What's your motivation?

[TiggerToo]

i hope your not talking about my fertility.. i have aggressive stage 3 endo. 1 tube blocked. and a huge cyst on the my left ovary.. my dr said i have a 5% chance of ever having a baby on my own....

No sweetie I think she meant mine (although she was saying at our age as a whole our fertility is at it's highest) but obviously it's not the case for you.
Im really sorry you are suffering with that It must get hard, here for a chat hun! I've only been trying one month but I think I may have PCOS, my periods are nasty pieces of work

Ick. Other things, though, can give you nasty periods; I had them for YEARS until (sorry to say!) I hit about twenty-six. At my house it was pretty much "normal" - my mom, my sister, and I all had horrid ones until we hit about the same age (obviously not at the same time!).

Well it's just they are stupidly irregular and when they come it's a complete horror film! (haha sorry tmi there!)
It's always extremely painful aswell, mind you this happened before I went on the pill years ago, I've only been off it for a week and it's all good so far. And yes I know most people ttc after their first normal bleed but sorry I couldn't help myself

Yep - been there, done that....used to change the old hospital-thickness pads AND a super heavy tampon EVERY HOUR (try doing that when you're 16 and in high school, with seven minutes between classes!) and my mother thought that was OK. OMG. I eventually went on the Pill, they got straightened out, they went haywire a couple of more years (I was sort of sporadic with the Pill and stuff kept getting shifted around), and then around 25-26 I was fine.

 

[Brosey]

i hope your not talking about my fertility.. i have aggressive stage 3 endo. 1 tube blocked. and a huge cyst on the my left ovary.. my dr said i have a 5% chance of ever having a baby on my own....

No sweetie I think she meant mine (although she was saying at our age as a whole our fertility is at it's highest) but obviously it's not the case for you.
Im really sorry you are suffering with that It must get hard, here for a chat hun! I've only been trying one month but I think I may have PCOS, my periods are nasty pieces of work

Ick. Other things, though, can give you nasty periods; I had them for YEARS until (sorry to say!) I hit about twenty-six. At my house it was pretty much "normal" - my mom, my sister, and I all had horrid ones until we hit about the same age (obviously not at the same time!).

Well it's just they are stupidly irregular and when they come it's a complete horror film! (haha sorry tmi there!)
It's always extremely painful aswell, mind you this happened before I went on the pill years ago, I've only been off it for a week and it's all good so far. And yes I know most people ttc after their first normal bleed but sorry I couldn't help myself

Yep - been there, done that....used to change the old hospital-thickness pads AND a super heavy tampon EVERY HOUR (try doing that when you're 16 and in high school, with seven minutes between classes!) and my mother thought that was OK. OMG. I eventually went on the Pill, they got straightened out, they went haywire a couple of more years (I was sort of sporadic with the Pill and stuff kept getting shifted around), and then around 25-26 I was fine.

Oh I'm glad! I'll hopefully be alright then, I was abit worried but if you were like me and turned out fine, there is hope for me haha

 

[Chris77]

Call me old fashioned, but I'm FLOORED at the number of people on here who are not married, but are TTC. Or even the very VERY young ladies who are still teenagers by definition. I'm not judging, just surprised. So I'm curious....what's your motivation? Are you planning to get married, or not? If so, why are you TTC now?

We've been married for a little over 3.5 years now, and I'm in my 2WW of cycle 3 post-Mirena. I have lots of friends who have gotten married over the last 4 years, but many of them start TTC immediately after getting married. I have thoroughly enjoyed my selfish time with my hubby, and we're finally ready for the next phase in our lives...

Marriage isn't a pre-requisite to having children. If it works out that way, hey fantastic. People have children for many reasons. It really isn't our place to question. Unmarried couples TTC can be just as good, if not better, parents than those that are married. TTC isn't a competition. Noone is better for doing it one way over an other.

I have known many couples outside of marriage who have done a wonderful job raising their child or children....better in fact than some married couples I know!!

You chose a path that is right for you and your hubby. Others are choosing a path that they feel is right for them. The main goal is that the child(ren) are loved and cared for.

 

[mammag]

i hope your not talking about my fertility.. i have aggressive stage 3 endo. 1 tube blocked. and a huge cyst on the my left ovary.. my dr said i have a 5% chance of ever having a baby on my own....

No sweetie I think she meant mine (although she was saying at our age as a whole our fertility is at it's highest) but obviously it's not the case for you.
Im really sorry you are suffering with that It must get hard, here for a chat hun! I've only been trying one month but I think I may have PCOS, my periods are nasty pieces of work

Ick. Other things, though, can give you nasty periods; I had them for YEARS until (sorry to say!) I hit about twenty-six. At my house it was pretty much "normal" - my mom, my sister, and I all had horrid ones until we hit about the same age (obviously not at the same time!).

Well it's just they are stupidly irregular and when they come it's a complete horror film! (haha sorry tmi there!)
It's always extremely painful aswell, mind you this happened before I went on the pill years ago, I've only been off it for a week and it's all good so far. And yes I know most people ttc after their first normal bleed but sorry I couldn't help myself

Yep - been there, done that....used to change the old hospital-thickness pads AND a super heavy tampon EVERY HOUR (try doing that when you're 16 and in high school, with seven minutes between classes!) and my mother thought that was OK. OMG. I eventually went on the Pill, they got straightened out, they went haywire a couple of more years (I was sort of sporadic with the Pill and stuff kept getting shifted around), and then around 25-26 I was fine.

Oh I'm glad! I'll hopefully be alright then, I was abit worried but if you were like me and turned out fine, there is hope for me haha

They say women hit their peak fertility in their mid 20's, wonder if that's why your periods straightened themselves out? Your bodies natural 'peak fertility' phase? I just turned 26 so hoping that I'm hitting peak fertility as well!

 

[TeddyBearPug]

I just want to say that I do not judge others based on their age and ttc. I think if you ttc while in grade/high school it is alot harder to support yourself and the baby along with the maturity is not there to really make that big of a decision. There are alot of teenage moms that are great! and alot of babies that are left with the grandparents too. Everyone is different. I have to admit that when some of my friends had their babies it made me want a baby at the time. I had the yearning and NEED to have a baby. But i had to stop and look at my life and situation and really think if it would be good for me and the child. My answer was always...nows not a good time. Now looking back and fearing i may never have a child (theirs been no diagnosis that i cant conceive, just a fear) sometimes i think....maybe it would have been easier to have a child much younger! The reason i say that is because it seems like teenagers are popping out kids faster than us "older" ladies! lol! I know its ridiculous and wouldn't change it now, but would it have killed me to have a baby younger?! No...but my life would not be as good for a child as it is now. Honestly hope i did not offend anyone.

 

[ahicks07]

wah wah wah, lets go start another thread and complain about this one that hurt our feelings.

Good grief, people. Some of you....who are getting uber defensive, MUST have a guilty conscious or SOMETHING, because there was absolutely nothing malicious behind my original post. I was genuinely interested to know why in the hell teenagers and nonmarried people were TTC. Alicia - your story about your medical issue...yeah, THAT is a motivation. THAT is the kind of answer I was looking for. Fine. Some of your don't believe in marriage. Okay....so just say so....but you realize that having a hissy fit about it is just as judgemental as "us religious folks who believe marriage comes first." So yes, Hello, Pot, meet Kettle.

I tried to keep it within the lines of a friendly debate. You guys are the ones who got defensive and angry, and turned it into a political debate. So congratulations, you brought it all on yourself. I was just trying to understand the motivation behind someone who is choosing a different lifestyle than mine. That's what you've all been "preachin" - "it's my life to live how I want", yaddi yaddi. Yes, you're absolutely right. And all I was doing was trying to understand it from your point of few. Instead, you decided to get cranky, angry, and mad by reading more into the question that was there.

 

[tiger]

wah wah wah, lets go start another thread and complain about this one that hurt our feelings.Good grief, people. Some of you....who are getting uber defensive, MUST have a guilty conscious or SOMETHING, because there was absolutely nothing malicious behind my original post. I was genuinely interested to know why in the hell teenagers and nonmarried people were TTC. Alicia - your story about your medical issue...yeah, THAT is a motivation. THAT is the kind of answer I was looking for. Fine. Some of your don't believe in marriage. Okay....so just say so....but you realize that having a hissy fit about it is just as judgemental as "us religious folks who believe marriage comes first." So yes, Hello, Pot, meet Kettle.

I tried to keep it within the lines of a friendly debate. You guys are the ones who got defensive and angry, and turned it into a political debate. So congratulations, you brought it all on yourself. I was just trying to understand the motivation behind someone who is choosing a different lifestyle than mine. That's what you've all been "preachin' - ths it's my life to live how I want, yaddi yaddi. Yes, you're absolutely right. And all I was doing was trying to understand it from your point of few. Instead, you decided to get cranky, angry, and mad by reading more into the question that was there.

now that is super offensive!

 

[ahicks07]

now that is super offensive!

And the creation of the other thread was not?

 

[Aliciatm]

I'm not just talking about you I've had a lot of people pm me saying I'm too young

 

[Aliciatm]

All i know is these kinda threads get blown out of proportion some people took it offensive not saying you shouldn't have opinions I just think this site should be for support...

 

[ahicks07]

I never EVER called anybody too young. Never. I don't like that people put words in my mouth that weren't there.

Trust me, I am VERY opinionated, and if I wanted to be ugly and judgemental, I could. I haven't even scratched the surface because that was NOT my intent. I've been on these boards for a few months now and I was genuinely curious about "why" some people do things differently than perhaps I would. I feel like I can be more supportive if I understand your (not directed at any individual person, your as in anybody) story a little better.

Meaning, Alicia, I'll use you as a guinea pig for a moment - if I didn't know your medical story (which I did, a little, because we've posted in another thread and I read part of your journal and got the idea), and I saw you posting about TTC for 3 years and I know your only 18 years old, the FIRST thought in my head is "good grief, she is young....I wonder why she's TTC already?" But am I going to come out and say that to you? No, I'm not, because I don't know your story, and I'm going to want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you have a reason and aren't just some silly teenager who thinks that a baby is "fun."

 

[Aliciatm]

Okay I see I mistook your intent... Ive been on here for a bit and just want everyone to feel like they have support... My situation is a whole lot different than most I don't just think a baby is fun I so understand the responsibility that comes along with motherhood I was a mom to my mom at three when i would have to drag her out of drug houses so she wouldn't overdose... I want to be the mother I never had... I've been longing to be a mother for a long time.... Is really hard with no family just dh to support me

 

[Tiff]

Even though threads like this are created with the best of intentions at times, stuff like this is only bound to cause hurt and upset. Really, at the end of the day it isn't anyone else's business why someone is TTC.

OP - I just wanted to touch on a comment that stuck out to me:

Trust me, I am VERY opinionated, and if I wanted to be ugly and judgemental, I could. I haven't even scratched the surface because that was NOT my intent.

Which brings me to quoting our TOS:

Rudeness, flaming or trolling is not tolerated on, or about, BabyandBump or its members. Any member who is intentionally disruptive may have their account restricted or banned without warning.

I do understand what you were trying to convey. But there are ways to get your point across without being rude or judgmental. I'll leave this thread open for now, but if I see comments going downhill I will lock it.

 

[TiggerToo]

I'm not just talking about you I've had a lot of people pm me saying I'm too young

You're not fourteen. For someone to do that is nuts. Not to mention rude!

The posts in textspeak scare the crap out of me. And I've seen a few...the ones you KNOW were written by someone barely old enough to drive. I've wanted to PM a few of them...."uhm, excuse me, does your MOTHER know you're online this late"?....and yet I see some well-meaning soul passing out TTC advice. Meanwhile, this RN (me!) is going, "WHAT???!!!"

I let it go - I have to, I can't be the Baby Police, but I wonder, OMG, look at what MTV is DOING...!!!!????

 

[TiggerToo]

IF I was to have gotten pregnant before I got married I would have shamed my famliy (not saying that about anyone else who gets pregnant before they get married) its just the way my family is! My dad would have not allowed us to even have a wedding or such. It would have not been a good situation for me at all!!!!!! NOT to mention what my dad would have done to my OH!!! YIKES!!!

NOW for the young part........I was 21 and my OH was 19 when our first was born. HE was SOOOOOO planned! We waited 5 months after we got married to start trying and got pregnant the first month! While being young parents is not for everyone for us it worked and we wanted a child so bad! We had our second at me 24 and OH 22. Our second ended up having Down SYndrome. At the time I owned my own bussiness which allowed for the weekly Dr visits and being in the hospital several times! SO looking back I would not have changed having my babies so young! I also want to be able to enjoy my Grandchildren and not be 50 or 60 by the time I get my first!

Ahem. (And please take this as it's meant: from an older sister. I'm not being mean or critical. I just want you to think.)

Fifty is so far from old it's ridiculous. And you could very well be seventy five depending on how old YOUR child is when they have their own kids. You have no control over that.

How old do you perceive fifty to be?

I have two brothers, both over the age of 55. One of them is a certified black belt and is a karate instructor for his fellow officers employed at the Federal Prison in Memphis, Tennessee. The other one rides his mountain bike in the Cascade Mountains in upstate Washington, north of Seattle. My sister, who runs MARATHONS (it's not my fault she's nuts!) and is FORTY-EIGHT, would completely disagree with you! As for me, I'm a few days shy of 38, and can pass my military PT test with higher scores than my colleagues who are ten years my junior - and with less effort. Believe me - I've tested with them and it's almost embarrassing. For them.

In 1973, my mother gave birth to me at age 39. Weird back then. My dad was 44. Also weird. My brother had his own daughter 3 years later (Mom was pregnant at his high school graduation - I still get kidded about that). Very weird, even now.

Funny thing is, I never remember FEELING weird that my parents were older. I never felt they were "holding me back" or that they were "struggling to keep up". Oh, heck no. On the contrary. I was the youngest in a family ridiculously (for the times) older than I. All I could think about was when I'D be old enough to not be the youngest. I'm learning that will never happen - my almost-fifty year old sister actually asked me, "how old do you think you are, anyway?" the other day - WHAT? I guess still not old enough!!

(My comeback was - "watch it - I'm far enough behind I just might outlive all you jokers." Sort of metered their amusement at my expense for a while!)

My mother is now 76. I just started thinking of her as "old" about six months ago. It's scary as hell, too - but I bet I feel no differently about it than my oldest brother does.

What the heck is wrong with being fifty? Or sixty? Believe this: the older you get, the younger those ages look.

This is when I'm going to play my age and experience card and say "call me in fifteen years or so when you're forty and tell me again how old fifty looks".

When people would tell my dad (who passed away in 2005; he'd be EIGHTY-ONE if he were living) he was getting old, he'd half-jokingly tell them, "That's fine, but I made it, and you're still hoping."

The older I get - and the older I will continue to get - the more wisdom evident in the statement.

Call me in fifteen years. Just be gentle - I'll be FIFTY-THREE.

Age is two things: it's a number, and it's relative. Believe you're old at forty and you'll be dead before you're fifty - if not in body than in spirit, which can be just as important. Look in the mirror like I do every day and think, "38? WHAT? There's got to be a mistake somewhere 'cuz I neither feel it nor look it" and you'll live to be ninety, like my grandmother. And I'm OK with that.

Buzz me.

 

[Lilbynon]

i think the first of this thread is judgmental.. you never know the young ladies could have better relationships than yourself. Who are you to judge other people. I think God will do what he wants planned or not. I dont think you should be posting things like this. Its not only judgmental but hurtful. You have no idea what some people have been through or their thoughts on ttc. Also how can you judge someone you dont even know??? its ridiculous.

im not saying that anyone at any age weather it be 15 or 70 is wrong to ttc. I think the urge to have your warm sleeping infant in your arms can come at any age. Also, i don't see age determaning wheather or not you are amazing parents, its more about what is in your heart

 

[artiste]

I'm not just talking about you I've had a lot of people pm me saying I'm too young

You're not fourteen. For someone to do that is nuts. Not to mention rude!

The posts in textspeak scare the crap out of me. And I've seen a few...the ones you KNOW were written by someone barely old enough to drive. I've wanted to PM a few of them...."uhm, excuse me, does your MOTHER know you're online this late"?....and yet I see some well-meaning soul passing out TTC advice. Meanwhile, this RN (me!) is going, "WHAT???!!!"

I let it go - I have to, I can't be the Baby Police, but I wonder, OMG, look at what MTV is DOING...!!!!????

Just FYI I'm 30 and I use text speak sometimes on forums because I'm laying on my side in bed nursing my baby with my laptop behind my back so she doesn't try to play with it. I have one hand behind me to type and my head cranked over to look at the screen. I use the least amount of letters I possibly can. That's also why I sometimes skip apostrophes even though it bothers me when other people do that.

 

[MunkyPickle]

thank you... its absolutely dumb. Its racist you might as well be telling me i dont deserve anything..

Racist would be if they were telling you that you shouldn't have kids because you are white...
Childish.... thats the term you are looking for AND what alot of this bickering is.

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Yes, some people marry, and divorce, but getting married forces you (well, some people) to work harder at a relationship that's worth saving. By not being married, it's too easy to give up and walk away because their are truly no strings attached.

I understand your viewpoint, but my approach to my relationship with my husband completely changed when he became my husband. It just changed things. Solidified our relationship. There's a reason behind the phrase "and 2 become 1." That doesn't happen just because you're happy and in a committed relationship. If you're truly happy and truly committed, why is a "piece of paper" so scary?

I don't think marriage is a piece of paper. I think it's a symbolic promise. My opinion is that "playing house" is just lazy. There's no financial benefit to playing house. If you're paying bills with a combined income as though you were married, one of you is likely to get SCREWED if the other gets a wild hair and walks away. If you're paying everything halfies like roommates, it becomes a business transaction which is just plain boring.

Hi ahicks,

First of all I would like to say that Marriage is just as easy to walk away from than an unmarried relationship (perhaps not legally, but it happens on an extraordinary rate!). Furthermore, if you are 'forced' to work things out because it isn't so easy to walk away from I would really question the foundations of the relationship. Of course all relationships aren't peachy all the time but the thing that encourages people to stay together is love! Not a contract...That, to me seems very business-like and devoid of emotion in my opinion. My oh and I have experienced difficult times but we persevered because of a genuine and all encompassing love for one another.

Secondly, I am truly happy for you to have found solace in your communion to your husband. However, if marriage solidified yours (or any) relationship I feel the need to question the 'solidness' of that relationship prior to marriage. If I ever got married the only thing that would change would be our titles. We couldn't be any closer than we are, we couldn't feel more love or devotion for one another apart from that which comes with the passing of time, life experience and wisdom.

Thirdly and finally, I think your comments regarding 'playing house' as you put it are ill conceived and quite condescending. Considering that in your last post you claimed not to be judgemental, that comment was well within the realms of judgemental-ism! I don't know about you ahicks, but the majority of people do not get married for financial benefit! You are basically saying that people who live together and are not married are pretending, living in the shadows of married couples. Living in 'lazy' limbo until the ring is planted on the finger and we can be granted 'real couple status' worthy of your respect.

Like I said earlier, I may not agree with, but I do respect your opinion. I appreciate the debate you bought with your first post, but the following posts seem to be quite patronising and bring the initial post into disrepute regarding your initial intentions.

Ttc is loaded with enough emotion, anxiety and stress already and so topics like these will always be hot issues. Personally, I welcome the debate - I am confident enough and happy enough in my own skin to answer your questions without recompense to how you may see people like me (unmarried and ttc). However, I can see how other people would be upset.

 

[Babee_Bugs]

Ive been with my OH for nearly 8 Years now... First baby wasnt planned and i was 17 when i fell pregnant and had him when i was 18... yes it was hard, but i dare say at whatever age having a baby is hard... I would even go as far as saying the older you are and the more time you have had with just you and your partner would be harder to bring in another person (baby). As you would be soooo use to doing your own thing, going out for dinner dates e.t.c e.t.c

This happened to my sister and her husband... there were married for about 10 years and had a child... But having that child changed everything!!! it just put a whole big rift through them and there couldnt work out there differences untill there seperated and divorced...

Now to me thats far worse.

We planned our second child, we bought our own house, my partner has a very good business of his own, and trying again for Baby number 3, which hasnt happened since me having a ruptured brain anuerysm... My body and hormones havent settled after that which was in august 2009. We havent got married yet as it was either buy a house or get married... being sensible i wanted the house for us all... Would of been nice to of got married, but its not important compared to putting a roof over my babies heads.