What's your motivation?

[Nimoo]

okay here i go if you take offensive thats up to you but im not going sit and put what people want to read to make them feel better i will only put my oppinion!!

im 20 i have a 2year old boy ive been with my dh for 5 years married for 4 living together for 4 years in our own home so basically im a teen mum and very proud my son was planned and that was because im in love stable family wise and money wise!! and now we want to expand our family and thats our choice simple as!!
anyway i would just like to say the reason why people judge teen mums is cos of the stereotype hole that theyre in and trust me i dont fall down there, and its very rare any teen mum does!! my son is always dressed well in only the best that there is, always clean and well fed, has the best manners and is super intelligent hey hes just finished potty training in 5 days i dont go out and leave him with anyone, hes always happy and is very much loved by his mummy and daddy!! i personally think if you make the choice to ttc at any ages you have to make sure your bringing them into the best situation possible and be prepared cos babies put alot of strain on a relationship married or not!

oh and by the way im not trying to justify my age or situation im just trying to share some of my info, and im not really fussed if anyone judges cos thats life and i welcome debate its healthy!

 

[ahicks07]

.

 

[Aliciatm]

Ending on a good note then I wish everyone their because at the end of the day that's what we are all here for goodluck and babydust to all

 

[3boys]

my husband and started ttc when i was 18 and he was 21, He had a fantastic job and we lived on our own, I have never burdened anyone with my children and have never regreted my decision to have them young. My motivation is that I always wanted to be a mam. My husband and I are still going strong and are very much in love after 10 years. You cant judge every situation by age, there are alot of older mums out there that dont make great mums.

 

[MiissMuffet]

I have been with my partner for many years and we are not married. We act like we are, we do everything that a "married' couple would do, we just havnt had a wedding or signed any paper. We dont need to and I don't see any problem with it as we are happy and our daughter is happy. We are TTC again and I'm sure our next baby will be happy too that's what matters.

 

[Quackquack99]

Yeesh, what is with all the teenage bashing? As far as I'm aware, as soon as you turn 18 in the uk you are an adult. Therefore as an adult you are legally old enough to make any decisions concerning your life. So who are we to say that an adult at the of 18 shouldn't ttc? No I'm not a teenager anymore, I'm 21 and expecting my first baby in 9 weeks hopefully. No one can judge any situation by their age. By the time I was 18. I moved out of my parents home. Why? Because I was an adult. Secondly, I'm not married or even engaged but why would that be relevant? Marriage does not necessarily mean that someone will work at their relationship harder. If anything, having a child will because no parents would want their child to come from a broken home. That is the main reason why I don't want to get married just yet. I don't know how hard parenting will be but I have seen many marriages and relationships under a lot of strain afyer having a child. few of those marriages have faltered and ended in divorce. Someone mentioned that living together would be like a 'business transaction' but I'm sure most relationships are like that married or not. In any committed relationship, you both usually pull all of your resources together and prioritise all of your bills etc TOGETHER. You both make ends meet. Yeesh

 

[wanabeamama]

hello ladies i havnt read the intire thread because well i just didnt have time but i thought EVERYONE's motivation on here is to become a mother because were women and most women that is the most important ting in the worl to us any of us that are lucky enough to conceive will love our child unconditionally because its a child that was made in a loving relationship regaurdless of our situation love is free and doesnt come with boundaries everyone is different i have no intrest in why people want to conceive i just admire the fact that they want to hold a beautifull baby and will do anything to do so.

 

[TiggerToo]

I think the original target was VERY YOUNG teenagers getting PG because it's hip or has been glorified by the media.

I also think the original target (and was what I personally meant) was 18, 19 year olds getting PG aimlessly because they think it's cool. And they ARE out there. They're the ones who need some guidance and even unsolicited SISTERLY advice.

I certainly didn't mean accidentals (that could've been me, to put it bluntly), and I didn't mean anyone who has their act together.

What needs to be said is the "stereotype" of young fifteen year olds who are still in high school who get pregnant willy-nilly (again, not accidents - I mean kids in HS who WANTONLY go out and get PG) is more than an urban legend. It's reality, and the media are doing nothing about it except make teenage pregnancy sexy, so to speak, like they do just about everything else. Whatever that reality show is has made celebrities out of teenage mothers. I mean, come on, people.

 

[TiggerToo]

I'm not just talking about you I've had a lot of people pm me saying I'm too young

You're not fourteen. For someone to do that is nuts. Not to mention rude!

The posts in textspeak scare the crap out of me. And I've seen a few...the ones you KNOW were written by someone barely old enough to drive. I've wanted to PM a few of them...."uhm, excuse me, does your MOTHER know you're online this late"?....and yet I see some well-meaning soul passing out TTC advice. Meanwhile, this RN (me!) is going, "WHAT???!!!"

I let it go - I have to, I can't be the Baby Police, but I wonder, OMG, look at what MTV is DOING...!!!!????

Just FYI I'm 30 and I use text speak sometimes on forums because I'm laying on my side in bed nursing my baby with my laptop behind my back so she doesn't try to play with it. I have one hand behind me to type and my head cranked over to look at the screen. I use the least amount of letters I possibly can. That's also why I sometimes skip apostrophes even though it bothers me when other people do that.

Oh, no - that's not what I mean - what I mean are the ones you read and you KNOW the author doesn't even have a learner's permit. You can tell the difference in shorthand and flat-out tweenspeak.

 

[TiggerToo]

Yes, some people marry, and divorce, but getting married forces you (well, some people) to work harder at a relationship that's worth saving. By not being married, it's too easy to give up and walk away because their are truly no strings attached.

I understand your viewpoint, but my approach to my relationship with my husband completely changed when he became my husband. It just changed things. Solidified our relationship. There's a reason behind the phrase "and 2 become 1." That doesn't happen just because you're happy and in a committed relationship. If you're truly happy and truly committed, why is a "piece of paper" so scary?

I don't think marriage is a piece of paper. I think it's a symbolic promise. My opinion is that "playing house" is just lazy. There's no financial benefit to playing house. If you're paying bills with a combined income as though you were married, one of you is likely to get SCREWED if the other gets a wild hair and walks away. If you're paying everything halfies like roommates, it becomes a business transaction which is just plain boring.

Hi ahicks,

First of all I would like to say that Marriage is just as easy to walk away from than an unmarried relationship (perhaps not legally, but it happens on an extraordinary rate!). Furthermore, if you are 'forced' to work things out because it isn't so easy to walk away from I would really question the foundations of the relationship. Of course all relationships aren't peachy all the time but the thing that encourages people to stay together is love! Not a contract...That, to me seems very business-like and devoid of emotion in my opinion. My oh and I have experienced difficult times but we persevered because of a genuine and all encompassing love for one another.

Secondly, I am truly happy for you to have found solace in your communion to your husband. However, if marriage solidified yours (or any) relationship I feel the need to question the 'solidness' of that relationship prior to marriage. If I ever got married the only thing that would change would be our titles. We couldn't be any closer than we are, we couldn't feel more love or devotion for one another apart from that which comes with the passing of time, life experience and wisdom.

Thirdly and finally, I think your comments regarding 'playing house' as you put it are ill conceived and quite condescending. Considering that in your last post you claimed not to be judgemental, that comment was well within the realms of judgemental-ism! I don't know about you ahicks, but the majority of people do not get married for financial benefit! You are basically saying that people who live together and are not married are pretending, living in the shadows of married couples. Living in 'lazy' limbo until the ring is planted on the finger and we can be granted 'real couple status' worthy of your respect.

Like I said earlier, I may not agree with, but I do respect your opinion. I appreciate the debate you bought with your first post, but the following posts seem to be quite patronising and bring the initial post into disrepute regarding your initial intentions.

Ttc is loaded with enough emotion, anxiety and stress already and so topics like these will always be hot issues. Personally, I welcome the debate - I am confident enough and happy enough in my own skin to answer your questions without recompense to how you may see people like me (unmarried and ttc). However, I can see how other people would be upset.

Good point.

Know why we got married?

When I met DH on a deployment he was working in Saudi Arabia for the US government. We had a long distance relationship for two years. We couldn't be together if we weren't married (I was about to separate from active duty at the time but came back in several years later) because a single woman can't just up and move to KSA like I could've managed if he'd lived in Europe. You can't get a visa for it; the Saudis forbid it. If you're going to be a nurse or a nanny or a teacher in a foreign school, that's different - but the opportunity for any of that didn't exist for me back then.

So we got married, and I lived in the Kingdom as a civilian for three years. (And boy do I have stories I could tell!) And sometimes we'd both think it was the wrong decision, and we'd just persevere because we figured we'd get through it. It wasn't always about love, and it wasn't always NOT about love. I could've walked out at any point and so could he.

But we didn't, so eleven years later we're still here - and TTC! - and sometimes I wondered if that would ever happen.

Had we sort of NOT had to get married, I don't think we would've. Crazy decision and crazy circumstances. But it's worked for us, though even sometimes we don't know how.

 

[AJbabybump]

i think its wrong that you can say that you need to be married to ttc or have a baby. im 20, and i havebeen trying for2 years with my partner who i have been with for 7 years.
i always did want to get married up until my dad passed away 5 1/2 years ago, and then i couldnt stand the thought of going down the isle with somebody else but my dad giving me away. i think the women on here are all obviously in stable relationships, as most women have been trying for a year plus.
as i said, im only 20, but i have a car, my own house, my partner has a very stable and fiancially well business, and we both feel we have everything, mentally and physically to welcome a baby into our lives. there is nothing our baby wont go without. we dont need to be married to support, cherish and love a baby

 

[LilLeafyLea]

Good point.

Know why we got married?

When I met DH on a deployment he was working in Saudi Arabia for the US government. We had a long distance relationship for two years. We couldn't be together if we weren't married (I was about to separate from active duty at the time but came back in several years later) because a single woman can't just up and move to KSA like I could've managed if he'd lived in Europe. You can't get a visa for it; the Saudis forbid it. If you're going to be a nurse or a nanny or a teacher in a foreign school, that's different - but the opportunity for any of that didn't exist for me back then.

So we got married, and I lived in the Kingdom as a civilian for three years. (And boy do I have stories I could tell!) And sometimes we'd both think it was the wrong decision, and we'd just persevere because we figured we'd get through it. It wasn't always about love, and it wasn't always NOT about love. I could've walked out at any point and so could he.

But we didn't, so eleven years later we're still here - and TTC! - and sometimes I wondered if that would ever happen.

Had we sort of NOT had to get married, I don't think we would've. Crazy decision and crazy circumstances. But it's worked for us, though even sometimes we don't know how.

Hi Tigger,

What a lovely story! I certainly see that you married for love (as you couldn't bear to be parted) and certainly for reasons that were right for you both at that time (If I understand you correctly?). I'm also very interested in the tales, prey tell, prey tell! Start your own journal!

Congrats on surviving more than a decade together!! Tell me to mind my own but do you think you'd have lasted this long in the relationship if you hadn't got married?

Me and my oh have got to breaking point on a couple of occasions but the one major reason we are still together is that I simply can't imagine being without him or having anyone else in my life - it's sooo cheesy but he does complete me.
Yes, he drives me mad on occasion and I am pretty sure I do the same to him - I'm a bossy madam, fiesty and abruptly direct at times. There is no beating around any bush with me and I expect the same from him, whereas he would rather imply something using 50 words rather than just say it outright using 5! But life is all about the ups and downs, it's how you deal with them and more importantly, how you learn from them that counts!

Wishing you the best of luck on TTC xxx

 

[Lara+sam+bump]

I got pregnant at 18, was unplanned but he was the best thing that I ever did and there is not a single day that passes that I wish I had done differently, I was not a child having a child, I have raised my son as well as any 30 or 40 year old first time mum ever could of. Me and my OH are still together, but not married, we probably will get married, but its not the be all and end all, its a piece of paper and means nothing, its loving each other and building a stable home enviroment for our son which is important, Noah couldnt care less if his mummy and daddy were married or not lol. Also we will be TTc #2 in January when I will be 22 and OH will be 24, age means nothing in the grand scheme of things and neither does marriage.

 

[Feb4th2011]

now that is super offensive!

And the creation of the other thread was not?

no.

 

[ahicks07]

now that is super offensive!

And the creation of the other thread was not?

no.

Well, I guess that's the great thing about being individuals, and having our on opinions. I thought the other thread was offensive when it was created, but I clarified myself to Alicia, and I think that she's okay with that, based on her response. If I'm wrong, i'm wrong, but at least I tried.

Yeah, I'm a "nutcase who believe in marriage before babies, and doesn't believe that babies should be having babies." I don't live in happy pony rainbow land where just because you want a baby means you should try to have one. I think you should be able to provide a good home, be responsible, financially stable, and have a good head on your shoulders before doing so. Some of you feel that you can do that without marriage, and some of you feel like you can do it when you're young - well, thats fine. I can't tell you how to live your life, and I'm certainly not going to change your mind... but yeah, I can voice my opinion, just like you've all done as well. Those of you who disagree with me are calling me judgemental, but you're no better than I am, because you're judging me because my opinion is different that yours. You've all stated your opinion and views, and now I'm stating mine. NO, I'm not being rude, or violating TOS, I'm just doing what everyone else already has.

 

[Aliciatm]

I do understand your opinion you are correct I just think Internet stuff gets turned upside down

 

[Leannxo]

Well, to be perfectly honest Im 18 me and OH have been together since i was 13. We are ttc we both have steady jobs and we live together we are planning to get married i don't see anything wrong with it if we have our lifes together i understand where some people think its bad when teenagers get pregnant cause i know half of everyone i know is under 17 and pregnant i know a 14 year old pregnant and she don't even know who the father is.

 

[court.]

i completely agree with the teenagers ttc. I am married but me and my husband were together for 10 years before we ever got married just because we didn't like the conventional pressures that society tries to put on people to get married. We were in a completely commited relationship and new we would be together forever. I think theres nothing wrong for people to ttc unmarried if your in a committed relationship. Not all people believe in marriage anymore.

I really agree with what you say about the conventional pressures about getting married. My fiancé and I are planning on getting married at some point, but neither of us feel like we have to do it just because we want kids (and our families feel the same way). We know that we love being together, are extremely happy together, but don't need that piece of paper validating our relationship. I think it's more important to be in a committed and happy relationship because there are plenty of unhappily married couples which conceive, then divorce. Getting married won't magically make everything work. I do not criticize either side though...... people should do what makes the most sense in their situation instead of what society or whatever else may want them to do.

I'm not sure about wanting kids so early... I personally always said that I never wanted any and then bam! at 25 (I'm 26 now) I knew I wanted kids, but didn't feel like I wanted to start trying until this year. My sister on the other hand had her first at 19 and she is a fantastic mother and in April her and her husband just had their second child. She always knew she wanted to have a family and would rather do that then go out and party. She's 24 now and still stands by that decision. Again, I think people should do what they feel is right for their life. There is no right way or one specific way to live life.

Very well said

 

[alli.s]

Call me old fashioned, but I'm FLOORED at the number of people on here who are not married, but are TTC. Or even the very VERY young ladies who are still teenagers by definition. I'm not judging, just surprised. So I'm curious....what's your motivation? Are you planning to get married, or not? If so, why are you TTC now?

We've been married for a little over 3.5 years now, and I'm in my 2WW of cycle 3 post-Mirena. I have lots of friends who have gotten married over the last 4 years, but many of them start TTC immediately after getting married. I have thoroughly enjoyed my selfish time with my hubby, and we're finally ready for the next phase in our lives...

i think you're being really condescending with this comment... i may never get married because i just don't really believe in it. Since when did you need the label of 'married' to get by on TTC or having a family, it's 2011... guess what people now cohabitate and don't marry because it simply is not for them. I'm sorry i just feel as though this comment was really judgmental and some things are better kept to yourself.

 

[court.]

I think everyone is here for the pure motivation and love of being able to experience being a mother.