When is the right time?

[DJS]

I'm going back and forth on the idea of when is the right time to start our family.. My husband and I are both 27 (almost 28) and have been together for 6 years. He would like to start trying for our first baby next month which I originally agreed to and was ecstatic about. Now, after thinking for a few weeks, I go back and forth. I started taking prenatals about 6 months ago, I have read two books on pregnancy and I just had an appt with my OBGYN to get all checked out. I love the idea of starting a family together and we are financially stable to do so but I suddenly feel scared of the responsibility and changes that will naturally come.

Is this normal? How do you know when you are ready to become a mother?

 

[Fluffycookie]

hey and welcome! I've had to wait several years to start a family because of circumstances, but now that we are ready to start trying soon, I find myself having cold feet sometimes too! I think that's completely normal, becoming a parent is a huge change after all and comes with a lot of responsibility.

Some things that help me calm my nerves in those moments are:
I made a "bucket list" of things to do pre-baby, and made sure I/we did them!
I have talked to my husband at length about how our lives will change and who will take over what jobs etc. This makes me feel like we, as a couple, are more prepared. We want to try and have one date night a week once the baby is 6 months old for example Of course only time will tell how things go, but talking it thourgh has helped me a lot!

Otherwise, is there anything specific you are worried about in TTC/becoming a mum?

 

[Fluffycookie]

oh and I forgot to add: we're both 27 too.

 

[DJS]

Thanks for the reply! That's a great idea.. I think what is giving me cold feet is we don't really know what to expect. I think if we made a list like you suggested that would probably ease my nerves.

I think we just want to be the best parents possible so I just want the timing to be perfect... but as everyone always says.. There is no perfect time!

 

[Reiko_ctu]

It makes sense to get cold feet. It's a huge change going from kid free couple to parents. Like, the hugest change you'll ever experience. I like the idea of the bucket list. We didn't do that because I was in school most of our early married life. There are some things I wish we could do now that will have to wait 10 years till our babies are old enough.

Even ttc number 3, I feel so anxious to start but also feel the cold feet thing. So, normal, and I don't think it should stop you from trying. You might get pregnant right away, then you've got 9 moths to prepare. Or it could take a few months or a year and then you've got even more time to prepare.

I also think, as far as fertility goes, the older you are the more difficult it's going to be. Our bodies are made to have babies when we are young really. Obviously we can't tell the future but in general I think the longer you put it off the more difficult you will find it is, both ttc and adjusting to parenting. Just my opinion though.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

I don't think the cold feet ever really goes away. Even when I was on my third, I still had cold feet when I became pregnant although I did it twice before. But I made it through and now we have a beautiful baby girl. Sure, it changed my life having children. I won't lie when I say that there are times when I wish I could just get up and go out without having to worry about lugging around the kids and there are times when they drive me bat crazy, but other things have changed too, things that I wouldn't give up for the world. Watching my children grow is the greatest blessing I've ever been given. The memories of my pregnancy and birth are things I'll remember forever because there is only one time you're given to be able to feel that baby inside of you, and those nine months go by quick. It may not seem like it at the time but when you look back, I think all of us that have been through it miss it in some way or another.

 

[bam418]

Hubby and I are both 28 and we're both back and forth on the cold feet front. It's definitely super scary, especially if it's currently just the two of you. We're both slowly warming to the idea, but there are days where one or both of us question if we can really do it!

It does help me to think that our parents got through it just fine and they aren't perfect either.

 

[swedengirl]

I have had this occasionally. I feel totally excited at the prospect of being a mum and feel we are in the right place. But suddenly when I am sat thinking about it sometimes I get this overwhelming nervous feeling. I spoke to one of my friends who is a mum and her midwife told her that the best mums always have a moment of cold feet when TTC. It is a sign you are reflecting on this huge thing in front of you and fully understand the responsibility that you are taking on.

I don't know if that helps but I found comfort from it. And do think there is some truth to it, as my nervousness comes when I am reflecting on how I want to parent, what things I want to instill in my child etc. Not from practical things.

 

[KalonKiki]

It's normal to have doubts and feel a little scared or nervous when it comes to TTC, I certainly did when my date was finally here when we went to TTC my DD. It really sounds like you guys are in about the best position that one can get to have a baby though, I'd honestly say that it's probably the right time for you. Things do change when you become parents but it's not as scary as one might think. Part of me wishes we'd been able to wait longer for our first baby (happy surprise) but I was 21 when I got pregnant with my DS so quite a bit younger than you are now and my DH and I had only been together for 7 months when it happened. Things have a way of working out though and I definitely wouldn't wish my DS away for the world, he's absolutely wonderful.

Having kids just creates a new norm for you. You won't have the same freedoms and joys that you do now but you will have different joys that are equally if not more wonderful and completely worth sacrificing some of the freedoms of being childless.

Also if it makes you feel better, I battled for 9 months on the issue of whether or not I should have a 3rd baby, it took a pregnancy scare to make me realize that I do want another. I still feel cold feet now and then after the realization but I know in my heart it's what I want and I'm sure I won't regret it. I don't think that you will either.

 

[MindUtopia]

Yes, it's normal. There is no perfect time, though there definitely are bad times (like ill health, financial or personal instability, relationship troubles, etc.). It sounds like there's no reason it should be a bad time for you, but it may not feel like the perfect time either and that's pretty normal. We felt the time was right when it was a good time for me professionally to take some time off (actually that's the case this time around too) and when we felt like we'd lived and done all the things we really wanted to do before life started to change for us. Our daughter is 4 now and it was definitely the right time. We're now trying for our 2nd and the timing is very similar. I'm in a good place professionally to take a break from work next year, we've gotten through the tough bits of having a baby and a young toddler and our daughter is much easier now, and we've had plenty of quality time together recently so we kinda feel ready to dive back in to having a new baby and all that comes along with that. Becoming a parent is a huge personal transition. It changes so much. And you'll probably always feel hesitant and unsure if you're ready, but that's normal. In fact, I cried my face off about how I wasn't ready and I would be a terrible mother about 6 hours before my water broke and I went into labour with my daughter! Turns out we were perfectly ready and everything was fine, but change is scary and that's actually okay. If all other things are falling into place, you're probably more ready than you feel.

 

[Symphony7]

I'm 29, waited 4 years to TTC, and am currently pregnant and I still get cold feet! Kind of late now, but I occasionally have times when I think "omg I'm not ready for this, I want to just go on living my life care free like it used to be!" But then other days I am so excited I can't wait to meet this baby.

 

[DJS]

Thank you everyone for the sound advice. We decided to give it a try! We are now almost 9 weeks pregnant due in October and couldn't be more excited!

 

[hui]

your answers helped me a lot.
my boyfriend wants to have a baby so bad and I'm kind of feeling the same but on the other hand I'm very scared. Especially was I'm loving my freedom but on the other hand I can totally see us with a baby. But I'm also aware of all the big changes and how exhausting this all is too.... why do we get older that fast