When? Need advice

[Arlene04]

Hi all! My partner and I are both 33, been together a year and a half and plan on just enjoying being engaged and then one day up and getting married one day soon, perhaps elope or have a small gathering. Not sure yet! I've been married once before so planning a big traditional wedding is not for me I am just thrilled to have found the man that was meant for me all along.

So, I never thought at this age I still wouldn't have started a family. I got married young and did not have baby fever until my late 20s, when my marriage then fell apart. Now that I am 33 (34 in the spring) you'd think I'd be gung ho on having kids asap since that longing started several years ago now, and apart of me DOES feel that, but a part of me also is like my relationship is still fairly new, and it almost feels like I owe this relationship years of just us, that I feel was wasted on my ex husband. Does that make sense??

We are just on the cusp of being established in life... we both had to start over later in life, me leaving my marriage and he getting a new career. He's just about to get out of the training phase and be a salaried employee, which is great! And we're hoping to be financially stable and have our own house in the next several months. So, needless to say we've been dirt poor our entire relationship thus far lol We do things occasionally, but mostly we're homebodies. Can't afford to take any trips etc. Save save save! We've been in survival mode a lot of the times, but we still find time for some fun and there is always lots of love.

Now, i definitely don't feel the need to "travel the world" and do all these extravagant things before having a child, but I do wonder if it's unfair to not have more experiences together once our life is more stable before bringing in a child? But I'm also not super set on that, because I feel if we wait then things will be more difficult to get pregnant possibly, and I'd like to have at least 2 kids and NOT have them back to back. My sister was an older mom and she had so much trouble conceiving her baby and had miscarried twice before having him.

I would say I'm not leaning either way... but to be honest my feelings lean slightly more towards being eager to start our family next summer. There are so many things I am excited about to do with children and family trips. And yet I worry I'm cheating my relationship of time for just us. If we were younger, I'd probably wait a good 3 years.

Help

 

[Arlene04]

Knock knock

 

[Pineberry]

I totally understand wanting more time for the two of you, but I would say summer 2019 as a general timeframe of when you would like to start trying is a pretty reasonable timeframe, given your age and all. How does he feel about it? I think its always good to come up with some kind of general timeline when it comes to these huge things (not an exact date though) and just see how you feel when the time comes. Like my bf & I have set the end of 2019 as a general timeframe of when we want to move out of our apartment and settle into our own home, and then start trying for a baby couple months after that. IMO its just great to have a general idea of where things are going (because hey, we aint getting younger). If for example he totally cannot picture becoming a Dad at ALL within the next few years then that would be a problem that you would need to figure out.

Of course in general its more ideal to be together for a few years before having baby. But it also really depends on how strong your relationship is, and if you want at least two kids then the clock really does tick a tiny bit. Also remember, if you start trying summer 2019, and lets say you are lucky get pregnant right away.... it will still be spring of 2020 until labour and by then you will have been together 3 years!

I would not describe having a child as "cheating" your relationship of the time for just the two of you. If your relationship is healthy, solid and happy, then having a child with amplify that. If you guys had a difficult or unhealthy relationship, a child will amplify that negativity and make things worse. So always depends on your relationship with eachother. Also, you got another 9 months once you do get pregnant (and dont forget that it may take you a while to even fall pregnant) and you will still have plenty of time with just eachother once you have your child; it is all about making the effort to find the time.

Having a child really is just about the most wonderful thing a human can experience; please remember there is never a "perfect" time for it, at some point you will just need to start trying. And all the sacrifices (a little less time for eachother, less sleep) will be 100% worth it, believe me.

 

[Arlene04]

I wanted to thank you for your response... it really resonated with me. I think both he and I have this similar conflict within us with want vs need... we talked about kids early on in the relationship, and we're both hyper aware of our age. And yet we both also (even more so him) feel the intensity of our reality in our relationship thus far, that it's been difficult financially as we both make our way into this world of stability, possibly a decade later than most! Perhaps that worry will disappear in a few months when it seems things will look up for us, but that isn't a clear cut date so I guess that's why I'm wrought with worry! And yet at the same time if we were to accidentally fall pregnant even right now, I'd be elated!

 

[justonemore31]

Well DH and I have been together 17 yrs. Literally just teenagers when we got together. We have 6 kids together. We moved in together only when I was 7 months pregnant w our first. We didn't do any traveling or really have time just he and I. 22 monrhs after our first we got pregnant w our 2nd and so on and so forth. All our close in age which shows we didn't have much time for just us. But for us personally we don't care. We are so used to it that it doesn't even phase us. We have date nights at home. We have movie night at home. Our lives are surrounded by our 6 kids and I don't think we would have done it any other way. Everyone does it differently. If you don't want a baby yrt that's fine. You're still young and no it won't get harder as long as you're fertile and don't have issues conceiving, you and your DH. Even if you waited until you're 35 it really isn't that big a deal.