When you're not ready to say your complete but you know that it's inevitable.....
- Thread starter Lizzybee
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no real advice as I'm likely in the same boat (we still aren't set in stone but DH seems pretty done and I'm still not sure what I want). I try to focus on what I DO have and not what could be. I realize that if I never have another baby- I am still blessed and will incredibly happy with my boys. That ping of wanting another wont go away, but I think in time it will lessen.
I also try to focus on his reasons for wanting to be done (for my DH its a desire to move on to the next stage and be out of the baby phase) and the positives that can come from it- more sleep, easier to get around not being tied to a nursing/nap schedule, date nights again, easier to take vacations, trips with just us, kids getting into extracurriculars etc. My LO just turned one a week ago so its been especially hard lately. We made an agreement to not make any final decisions until after he weaned and my hormones settle. But the other day he said that we are absolutely not having another (but then sometimes makes random remarks like a couple weeks ago said the older the baby gets the easier it is to think about having a third).
Finally, I would say to start a hobby or activity that is completely for you- that doesn't involve your kids or DH- just for you. Whether its exercise, joining a study group at church, learning an instrument or taking an art class- find something where you can channel the frustration and pain and let it act a bit like therapy as you work through it.
I also try to focus on his reasons for wanting to be done (for my DH its a desire to move on to the next stage and be out of the baby phase) and the positives that can come from it- more sleep, easier to get around not being tied to a nursing/nap schedule, date nights again, easier to take vacations, trips with just us, kids getting into extracurriculars etc. My LO just turned one a week ago so its been especially hard lately. We made an agreement to not make any final decisions until after he weaned and my hormones settle. But the other day he said that we are absolutely not having another (but then sometimes makes random remarks like a couple weeks ago said the older the baby gets the easier it is to think about having a third).
Finally, I would say to start a hobby or activity that is completely for you- that doesn't involve your kids or DH- just for you. Whether its exercise, joining a study group at church, learning an instrument or taking an art class- find something where you can channel the frustration and pain and let it act a bit like therapy as you work through it.
Thanks kksy9b. All good ideas, I think I'll have to try one.
The most heart breaking thing is going to be having to get rid of the baby stuff unsaved because I thought we were having another. It will be like grieving.
The most heart breaking thing is going to be having to get rid of the baby stuff unsaved because I thought we were having another. It will be like grieving.
WackyMumof2
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Before the recent situation with my kids father, I was undecided in the beginning if this 4th baby was it or not. But this whole pregnancy has just been physically draining that I started to tell myself I couldn't and wouldn't do it again - not for us anyhow but will consider a surrogate pregnancy for my cousin. I'd said something to the other half about it and he'd been thinking the same thing as me. He's decided he's also done. While I am upset that we are never going to have that little girl we were hoping for, there is also no sure fire way of knowing we would get her if we went ahead with a 5th pregnancy either. I'm pretty calm and accepting in our choices. And if the kids father hadn't felt the same way with the way I was thinking, I think I'd probably still be confused as to whether I wanted to go there again or not.
c1403
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Similar boat to you. DH says he is done and I think I am but do keep thinking about it.
How I try and convince myself is that the girls are older now (5+3) and we're at a different stage where we can do things that maybe we couldn't with a baby in tow. We can go to museums, parks, long drives etc. It's a totally different experience when they reach school age.
I also like to focus on their learning now DD1 is at school and tell myself a baby may take that time away from us. They play together well,toys/board games aren't appropriate for a baby, have a bedroom each etc are all my real for stopping at two.
How I try and convince myself is that the girls are older now (5+3) and we're at a different stage where we can do things that maybe we couldn't with a baby in tow. We can go to museums, parks, long drives etc. It's a totally different experience when they reach school age.
I also like to focus on their learning now DD1 is at school and tell myself a baby may take that time away from us. They play together well,toys/board games aren't appropriate for a baby, have a bedroom each etc are all my real for stopping at two.
I only have 1. He has 2. I've just asked him if we are having another, he said I don't know. But when we've just discussed it, he got really annoyed because of the finance and lifestyle being affected. So I asked him what the positives were, he said "because you want one". So really, he doesnt, it's because I do.
That's what hurts. He won't give me a proper answer . He won't tell me how he feels.
That's what hurts. He won't give me a proper answer . He won't tell me how he feels.
jtink28
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i've been feeling down about not having a 3rd. my DH is 100% done, absolutely refuses to have another. he has a 13 year old daughter from when he was very young, and we have our 2 boys. i don't care about trying for a girl, i just always imagined i'd have 3. but...i'm 38 this year and money is tight and we want to buy a house and life is just starting to get easier now that ds2 is almost 2. i can't imagine starting over again at the newborn stage. but....i'm broody and want one more, lol. i know we won't, but..oh well.
I've come to conclusion My husband is cruel. He keeps showing me pictures and videos of our DS as a baby, but then talks about getting rid of his stuff to charity or to other people. Also he made a point today of saying how tired he was because DS was up in the night.
I just can't deal with this.
I just can't deal with this.
misspriss
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This is tough. DH and I felt that way after the first two. DH was sure he was done, I was not. One day we were talking about DTD and I knew I was fertile (we were using NFP) so I said no, too risky. He said he would be fine with a baby. Thus, #3.
Now we BOTH feel like we are done. The broodiness is 100% gone. I don't know what to say except that if you don't agree on being done, you aren't necessarily done 100%. You are both part of the relationship.
I have seen firsthand how horrible this is though, one of my good friends in my mom group really wants a third, but her husband is not on board. It is horrible for her and it is not good for their relationship either.
Now we BOTH feel like we are done. The broodiness is 100% gone. I don't know what to say except that if you don't agree on being done, you aren't necessarily done 100%. You are both part of the relationship.
I have seen firsthand how horrible this is though, one of my good friends in my mom group really wants a third, but her husband is not on board. It is horrible for her and it is not good for their relationship either.
Everyone that is replying to me already has 2 or more. I only ever wanted kids with him, we never said only one. I just want to cry. I tried to sort the baby clothes out and I just cried. He was complaining about how much "crap" is in the loft. It mainly baby stuff, pram/ pushchair etc. I know when he asks what we are doing with it I will cry because I can't bring myself to part with it.
Why do people ask me "the questions" and not DH?
" You only wanted one then?"
" Why didn't you have another?"
"Are you having anymore?"
I want to scream " ask him, he's the one who's made this decision, not me". But then I'd look like a weirdo and make my husband look bad. Or make them feel awkward.
How can I honestly answer this question without doing any of that?
" You only wanted one then?"
" Why didn't you have another?"
"Are you having anymore?"
I want to scream " ask him, he's the one who's made this decision, not me". But then I'd look like a weirdo and make my husband look bad. Or make them feel awkward.
How can I honestly answer this question without doing any of that?
JDsBaby
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Hi Lizzybee,
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I agreed before we married that we wanted to at least have 1 baby together. He has 4 from his previous marriage and I have 1 dd who is 17.
I always wanted to experience having another baby and my husband knew/knows that, I made it clear it was important to me. He was all for it and at the time seemed excited and was all for it. I have to also indulge I am older, I was 38 when we started. I had all the blood work and tests my Dr gave me the go ahead....Well we had 1 blight ovum and 1 missed miscarriage.
After the last loss my husband decided he was done, no more. I thought he was just upset from loosing our baby but then he told me he never wanted to really have a baby and he but went along with what would make me happy. Boy do I feel deceived, it has really caused a strain in our relationship. Everyday I struggle with the debate of staying and no baby or leaving my best friend. I'm 40 now so going out into the single world and trying to meet a man who wants to have a baby seems impossible.
So here I am stewing and trying to figure out what to do with my time, hurt feelings and longing for the child I will never have. Though I'm not done time is not on my side and either is my husband.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I agreed before we married that we wanted to at least have 1 baby together. He has 4 from his previous marriage and I have 1 dd who is 17.
I always wanted to experience having another baby and my husband knew/knows that, I made it clear it was important to me. He was all for it and at the time seemed excited and was all for it. I have to also indulge I am older, I was 38 when we started. I had all the blood work and tests my Dr gave me the go ahead....Well we had 1 blight ovum and 1 missed miscarriage.
After the last loss my husband decided he was done, no more. I thought he was just upset from loosing our baby but then he told me he never wanted to really have a baby and he but went along with what would make me happy. Boy do I feel deceived, it has really caused a strain in our relationship. Everyday I struggle with the debate of staying and no baby or leaving my best friend. I'm 40 now so going out into the single world and trying to meet a man who wants to have a baby seems impossible.
So here I am stewing and trying to figure out what to do with my time, hurt feelings and longing for the child I will never have. Though I'm not done time is not on my side and either is my husband.
I feel for you. I am lucky not to have experienced the things you have, but I understand the feeling of being decieved. Do you think he means it, or just a way of deflecting his pain?
My DH is my best friend too, I couldn't leave him because if that but also I couldn't ruin my DS life because I wanted something I couldn't have. I'm going to have one last ditch attempt next week. But I'm frightened of the response.
I hope you are able to decide your future. How I wish I'd forced him to be more open earlier on. 😘 Lots of hugs.
JDsBaby
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I felt and feel the same way, I had my IUD removed when he said having a baby is what he wanted. Now that he has changed his mind I refuse to get on any form.of birth control. Like you said why should I put my body through the side effects because he changed his mind. I do let him know when it's my fertile week so if he slips and I fall pregnant he cant blame me.
I didn't do it. Instead a week ago I told him that I was sad and miserable because I wanted something he didn't and I was struggling to get over it. He didn't talk to me for a week. How's that for being honest with the man you love? A whole week. Now I'm more sad because as well as battling with that I daren't be honest with him because he won't talk to me. 😭
To top it off my nan is asking when my DS is going to get a younger sibling. What do I say??? Do I make my DH out to be mean or do I lie?
To top it off my nan is asking when my DS is going to get a younger sibling. What do I say??? Do I make my DH out to be mean or do I lie?
Today my friend told me she was pregnant. I'm happy for her but so very sad for me. I can't tell anyone. DH will just be annoyed because I'm sad. My family all want to know when I'm having #2 so I can't tell them. I can't tell my friend as that would make her feel awful. I have no one to talk to. I'm stuck in a rut and don't know the way out. I cry when I'm alone. I know I'm not even on the right thread formthis but there isn't one suitable and I'm probably doing your heads in now too. Buy this is the only place I can be honest. I can't see you rolling your eyes or your disapproving faces. I can't tell the tone of your voices. I'm safe here. My life is taking a direction that I don't want it to both personally and professionally and I have no control over changing it.
I'm such a sad case. Why wasn't I more direct, forceful even in earlier days, why did I think it would work out in the end? How wrong I was.
Either make plans and stick to them/make them happen or don't. At least if you don't you can't be disappointed.
I'm such a sad case. Why wasn't I more direct, forceful even in earlier days, why did I think it would work out in the end? How wrong I was.
Either make plans and stick to them/make them happen or don't. At least if you don't you can't be disappointed.
twinklestar25
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Oh Lizzy you sound so sad, does he know your true feelings? I ended up showing my dh my posts on here to get him to understand. We had abit of a row about me been distant and a disagreement about getting a dog! And I showed him my posts to help me get across how I’m really feeling as it’s so,times difficult to express When talking about it and on here it’s all here over the weeks of his I’ve been feeling, which is really useful to look back on actually.
I stopped my contraception, well I wasn’t on any for years then went on the pill came off back on for a month or so then came off compleatly as didn’t want the side effects. Hubby wanted me off it anyway tho.
Hope you can get your hubby to see how this is effecting you (((hugs))) x
I stopped my contraception, well I wasn’t on any for years then went on the pill came off back on for a month or so then came off compleatly as didn’t want the side effects. Hubby wanted me off it anyway tho.
Hope you can get your hubby to see how this is effecting you (((hugs))) x
I don't think I could show him these posts. They are my sounding board. A bit like my diary, except sometimes people respond! 😂 I know own I need to get over this but but I just don't know how to, especially now my friends are having baby no2 and my family ask me constantly. But they only ask when he's not there. It makes me so sad. I don't want to paint him as a bad guy, because he's not, but I wish he could be made to feel awkward. My step dd, says she won't ask him because he just changes the subject and won't talk about it, whereas I will. I just want to cry most days. I sometimes feel there's no point in sex now either. That's not good for a marriage is it? 😢
