Who Would Love More but Unsure b/c of Pregnancy/Birth/Postpartum issues?

[fides]

i've been lucky to have easy births, but it's pregnancy itself that is the issue (super sick most of it, bad carpal tunnel & spd), plus after the birth, PPD is horrible and i have an almost non-existent milk supply.

but i've always wanted 4 kids.

super torn.


anyone else WTT sort-of but ultimately unsure?

 

[LockandKey]

Yes me! *raises hand* I've always wanted 3, and both my pregnancies have been easy and wonderful, I really loved being pregnant. My first birth was a horror story with a long recovery, but my 2nd was much better with quick healing time. Never had much of PPD, and really, DH and I have a large enough house with the finances and large enough vehicles. The real reason I'm not sure is my mentality and whether or not I can even handle 3. DH and I do not live near our families, they both live a 6hr drive from us, we rarely get to see any of them, maybe 6-10 times a year, if we are lucky and have the money and the time to take the trip. That also means I never get breaks, and I have to do everything myself, and I never have the luxury of simply packing up the kids and drive down the road to see grandma or my aunt and uncle. I am managing now, but it is a huge challenge, and most days I find it really difficult to evenly divide my time between the 2 I have now and making sure they have enough attention from me.

It's hard to tell how things will play out in the future, and even though my toddler is very well behaved, I doubt I would be able to handle a 3rd until the two I have now are both in school full time. We may be waiting at least 4 or 5 years if it does happen. I'm still undecided, so just playing it all by ear and see where we end up in a couple of years or how I feel later on.

 

[fides]

awww, that must be rough to have a newborn without help.

wonderful advice on playing it by ear.

 

[AirForceWife7]

Definitely in the same boat here

We're not even thinking of TTC yet for another few years, even with Brenna being almost 3 years old.

Labor was absolutely great, but I had a traumatic birth. Episiotomy followed by a 4th degree tear, I had nerve damage to my urethra and bladder, and was unable to urinate at all for a month and a half following birth. 6 or 7 catheters in and out (can't remember), and having to self-catheterize. This ruined breastfeeding for me, too I was in so much pain.

Baby was totally 100% fine though

Sorry for the sappy post, haha. Sometimes it's hard to find others that can relate!

 

[LockandKey]

don't apologize, I'm so sorry about your horrible experience, I completely understand. I had an awful birth with my first too I had a 3rd degree episiotomy cut, and DD was born via vacuum and forceps. The forceps had damaged my insides that sex was impossible until 12 weeks after delivery, sex still hurt until 1 year after her birth, and DD was born with a broken collar bone and had neck damage from the forceps that made bfing a huge struggle, we saw a lactation consultant multiple times every week for the first month until she was able to bf properly, and then she needed physical therapy until she was 6 months old to correct the damage to her neck.

That obviously didn't keep me from having another, but I was traumatized from the experience for a long time. I remember having nightmares about it, I got jealous of anyone who had a wonderful birth, I blamed myself, and I felt I had no one to talk to about it because the typical response was to brush it off and simply say "well at least you and your daughter are safe," and it would make me so mad. That is what's most important, but what I really needed was the chance to properly grieve.

I was so afraid during my 2nd pregnancy that I was going to have the same thing happen again. I was determined to have things different this time, so I found a wonderful midwife instead of an OB, ans she helped me achieve the birth I had been wanting, and this time there was no intervention, no damage to my son, and I didn't even tear I was up and walking fine only hours after my son was born. I think my son's birth is ultimately helped me overcome a lot of what happened the first time around.

sorry for the rant

 

[AirForceWife7]

don't apologize, I'm so sorry about your horrible experience, I completely understand. I had an awful birth with my first too I had a 3rd degree episiotomy cut, and DD was born via vacuum and forceps. The forceps had damaged my insides that sex was impossible until 12 weeks after delivery, sex still hurt until 1 year after her birth, and DD was born with a broken collar bone and had neck damage from the forceps that made bfing a huge struggle, we saw a lactation consultant multiple times every week for the first month until she was able to bf properly, and then she needed physical therapy until she was 6 months old to correct the damage to her neck.

That obviously didn't keep me from having another, but I was traumatized from the experience for a long time. I remember having nightmares about it, I got jealous of anyone who had a wonderful birth, I blamed myself, and I felt I had no one to talk to about it because the typical response was to brush it off and simply say "well at least you and your daughter are safe," and it would make me so mad. That is what's most important, but what I really needed was the chance to properly grieve.

I was so afraid during my 2nd pregnancy that I was going to have the same thing happen again. I was determined to have things different this time, so I found a wonderful midwife instead of an OB, ans she helped me achieve the birth I had been wanting, and this time there was no intervention, no damage to my son, and I didn't even tear I was up and walking fine only hours after my son was born. I think my son's birth is ultimately helped me overcome a lot of what happened the first time around.

sorry for the rant

No need to apologize! I love to hear things like this! It gives me hope

If we ever have another, I am going to do a complete 180 next time! Midwife instead of OB, little to no medical intervention (I had tons of drugs and an epidural last time), hoping to be successful with breastfeeding, etc! It's great to hear you had a wonderful experience the second time around.

I am just so scared that it will happen again, but luckily planning for another is way far off

 

[LilyValley]

I feel the same, the birth of my son was quite complicated and traumatic and I felt affected mentally by it for months afterwards. I also felt neglected by the midwives who helped to deliver him; part of my problems arose when I couldn't feel when to push because of the epidural and the midwife didn't coach me through it, she just said "yeah just keep pushing when you have the energy". I'm sure I passed put a few times, I don't remember much.

I also contracted a kidney infection which turned into sepsis, I could have died. The midwives who checked on me in the days after LO's birth dismissed my aches and pains, one was even quite snappy with me when she called at 7.30am about 4 days after he was born and I didn't answer the door straight away (I was in the bathroom, I didn't hear it). I called the emergency drs during the night after having episodes of shaking but they said I'd be ok until the morning, I ended up being taken to hospital the next day after ringing the labour and delivery ward, I couldn't get through to my dr! I was kept in for 5 days without my baby, it snowed and the roads were blocked so DH couldn't get him to me.

Ha even recounting that makes me upset! I truly believe that I was neglected by the hospital and the healthcare team who visited me afterwards. Breastfeeding obviously couldn't happen and my mood was horrifically low because I was full of infection. I get pangs of guilt and resentment and jealousy whenever people talk, about their amazing labours. I feel like I was robbed really. A friend is about to have her baby and seems to think that epidurals and drugs are always a choice, she's very high and mighty about being against an epidural, which is making me feel even worse.

We're due to ttc baby 2 in the new year, I'm terrified but I feel like it's unfair on my DH and my DS if I refuse. I really want another child, more than anything, but I just wish I didn't have to go through labour and recovery again. The past stories on here have helped a lot though, it's nice to hear positive stories of second time labours .

 

[AirForceWife7]

Too bad we can't carry the pregnancies and make the guys give birth, eh?

I'd pay to see a guy try and push a baby out of his peen. Hahahaha!

 

[I Love Lucy]

Me!!! DH is super ready for #2 already but I'm less thrilled about the idea. I had a really rough pregnancy with being super sick and then once that finally went away I had horrible heart burn and acid reflux. The idea of going through that with a LO to take care of is terrifying. Not to mention, due to BFing I'm struggling with vaginal dryness so that along with the second degree tear that I don't believe has every healed properly actually being able to have enjoyable sex is not the easiest thing for me.

 

[sausages]

Me!!! DH is super ready for #2 already but I'm less thrilled about the idea. I had a really rough pregnancy with being super sick and then once that finally went away I had horrible heart burn and acid reflux. The idea of going through that with a LO to take care of is terrifying. Not to mention, due to BFing I'm struggling with vaginal dryness so that along with the second degree tear that I don't believe has every healed properly actually being able to have enjoyable sex is not the easiest thing for me.

Sorry, before i posted about me i just wanted to say that i had terrible vaginal dryness with BFing. The only lube we found that was any good was Durex Play - it's something about it being silicone based or something like that and not water based.

 

[sausages]

With us it's not me who is unsure, but DH. He cites many reasons for not wanting another, but aside from practical, material reasons he also says he's scared of the pregnancy. We have had two late losses both delivered by c-section with me knocked out and the first one was particularly traumatic - massive bleed, couldn't find the heartbeat, then found it but it was slow, broke waters which gushed more blood, fired me into operating room and knocked me out, hacked me apart (scar from hip to hip), DS in special care, they failed to instal pain relief properly so i woke up in agony then after a battle DS died, but i had to stay in the new mums ward. Horrendous.

Thankfully my last two planned c-sections were a different story!!

BUT, because of our losses DH is hesitating. He doesn't want to have to keep going through to hospital to be monitored when i am panicking because i can't feel the baby moving. He fears the constant fear of loss and the constant worry.

It's not like i don't fear those things, but to me it's all worth it. It was worth it to go through what we did to get the children we have now, so i know it will be worth it for baby number 3 (5!)

 

[fides]

oh, my goodness sorry for your losses.