Why do I feel like this??

[maryanne1987]

I'm shocked at myself. We have just found out we are having a beautiful boy and I cried. The minute the sonographer said boy I felt numb, and then I got into our car and I sobbed. Real tears. And I don't even know why. I guess ive always thought this baby was a girl, I imagined her and her sister growing up close and even had a name picked out. And now I'm so happy we are having a healthy boy but I feel like I miss the little girl who was never actually there. Im so annoyed and disaapointed in myself for feeling like this. My DS and DH are so happy and I feel like I've spoilt this for them. I'm putting on a brace face and pretending im happy but I feel totally cut up by my feelings. I literally feel like a terrible mother for acting like this.

 

[Isme]

I'm so sorry. There's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. It is especially hard if you've built up the idea of something and now you're faced with the fact that it's not going to happen.

I'm really afraid that I will be in your shoes once we find out the gender. I want another girl so badly and have imagined exactly how life would go with a third daughter. (We kinda had a sneak peak into that while we were raising our bonus baby who was a little girl...) I just can't envision what life would be like with a son. It scares me.

I really hope this gets easier for you with time. I think it's great that your son was so excited and that your husband is really happy. I have to imagine that it helps to see things from the perspective of your loved ones. It's okay to be sad, though. You will love this little boy so much. That love won't be diminished by your sadness over the girl you won't be having. It's okay to grieve for that while also loving what *is*. I hope that makes sense.

Big hugs you.

 

[maryanne1987]

Thank you. Your reply made me feel much better. Today has been so hard. It's not that I don't want this little boy, cause I do, and I wouldn't change him but I'm just missing that little girl that I thought was there. This week has been tough cause it was the anniversary of my angel daughters birth so I think that's played a part in this. More than I realised. I've had a good talk to DH tonight, and he's been amazing. I have to admit I feel much better now. I ended up just crying about how much I miss tabitha. But I still feel like a terrible person for the way I reacted earlier. I feel like I've let this little boy down. I'm really ashamed. Thank you so much for not judging me, your reply really helped.

 

[Fruitmash]

You're not a terrible mother and you've not let anyone down. You have every right to mourn the child you thought you were having! Be patient with yourself, you've done nothing wrong, and I'm sure when you have you're son it'll be hard to remember even caring at all. I see that you're adjusting, I just wanted to reassure you that you're still a wonderful person, nothing has changed

 

[maryanne1987]

You're not a terrible mother and you've not let anyone down. You have every right to mourn the child you thought you were having! Be patient with yourself, you've done nothing wrong, and I'm sure when you have you're son it'll be hard to remember even caring at all. I see that you're adjusting, I just wanted to reassure you that you're still a wonderful person, nothing has changed

Thank you. I really appreciate that reply. I can honestly ay that the way I felt last week has now totally faded. My midwife reminded me that this baby isn't the daughter I lost and cannot replace Her even if it had been a girl. I felt like if I had a girl this time Id have my two daughters, like I should have. But it doesn't work like that and I will always be one daughter missing. This feeling wouldn't fade. I'm over the moon with my little man now. I've spent all week buying blue and we have picked a name. It feels strange thinking back to how I felt last week now, and I'm sure over time the guilt I feel about how I acted will fade.

 

[Fruitmash]

I'm really glad you feel better, I wish you and your family the best of luck for your future!