Why do I still feel like this?

Discussion in 'Gender Disappointment' started by Fallacy, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    For my first baby, I wanted a girl. So when I came out hearing, "It's a boy!" I cried in bed for a few days before I got over it. Like, hey, I can still have one more. Every time he kicked, I felt horrible for being disappointed. Flash to now, and I couldn't love my DS more. He's the light of my life and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

    So I went to the gender scan today thinking, if I have another boy, he'll have a little brother! They'll be close and play together!

    But I really really wanted my little girl. My precious little girl whose name I have wanted to use for so long.

    And the gender scan pic looks exactly like Micah's did at 16 weeks. It's another boy. I smiled and thought of all the positive things I had tried so hard to focus on before. I didn't even feel too bad!

    But during the drive home tears just came out....and kept coming out. I'll never have a little girl. This is our last baby. DH said as much. He's insanely disappointed too, so it's hard for us to talk about it. He wanted a little girl too. I'll never have a mother-daughter relationship. My sons will get married and never talk to me again, just like my dad and his mom and my husband and his mom. ...And my sister and her son. I guess I'm surrounded by bad mother-son relationships so I feel scared. I'll never braid my daughter's hair or buy her dolls. Or dress her up as a princess and comfort her after her first heartbreak. She won't go to me when she's getting married or has her first baby - my sons' wives will all want their moms there when they give birth.

    I just feel so crushed. I'm mourning the daughter I'll never have when I should be happy about the healthy little boy inside that I do have...After all, Micah is perfect and so loving, so why wouldn't this LO be?

    I got the scan at 15 weeks, is there any chance it's wrong when it looks exactly like Micah's 16 week scan? :shrug:

    I'm kind of glad in any case I got the scan since I had originally planned on staying team yellow and I don't know if I would've liked having his birth tinged with gender disappointment...
     
  2. katherinegrey

    katherinegrey Well-Known Member

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    I feel almost exactly the same as you. I wanted a girl for my first pregnancy, and it was a boy. Like you, I adore my son. I soon got over the disappointment, as I thought the next one would be a girl. It isn't. It's my second and last baby and I'm having another boy. I don't feel in any way disconnected from my pregnancy, or resent this baby, I simply grieve for what I won't be getting, for a wish that will go unfulfilled. I actually went straight into denial when told at 16 weeks it was a boy, but my 20 week scan today confirmed it, and there was no mistaking it at all. I'm coming around to the idea, but I don't expect the disappointment to ever truly leave to be honest. I will always see mothers and daughters and feel sad that I didn't get to experience that too. I think it's a case of just coming to terms and dealing, rather than 'getting over it'.
     
  3. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    That's my thoughts exactly. I love this baby very much and do not have any resentment towards him, but I'll never get that wish I had for a girl...I guess in a way it's a little funny. My mother always wanted a son and got three daughters instead. I guess some people just are destined to have one gender, and we're meant to have what we're given.

    I went shopping a little earlier and bought some stuff both for this LO and Micah...I liked doing things that way. I know I have tons of boy clothes considering Micah is only 11 months, but I wanted to buy a little something to make it real. And there were a lot of cute 18 month clothes I got for Micah, which was nice. I did tear up a bit when I was having trouble finding something cute for my new little boy though...I glanced over at the huge girl section and saw countless things I'd get. So many boy stuff is sports themed and neither DH or I are very into that, so it's a little hard. Sigh.

    I feel a little better, but just wish things could be different.
     
  4. Zeri

    Zeri Well-Known Member

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    Glad you're feeling a little better. I know what you mean about the boy/girl clothes. I'm having a boy too and went looking at boy clothes the other day. The boy stuff us only half as cute as the girl stuff. Everything is the same theme too - cars or sports or animals. I looked over at the girl section and everything was soo cute! It doesn't make GD any easier that's for sure...
     
  5. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    Right? It really doesn't help...Micah's been wearing the clothes I got him and looks really cute though, so I like thinking of his little brother wearing the same things...

    Can anyone tell me the benefits of having all boys, preferably with a close age gap? Today is hard. :nope:
     
  6. nickyb

    nickyb Well-Known Member

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    They will be best buds and u will feel so proud watching the two of them together my two youngest sons are so close there each other's shadows and it's beautiful :)
     
  7. kaths101

    kaths101 Well-Known Member

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    I have 2 boys 22 months apart, my eldest is nearly 3 and LO nearly 1, they are the best of friends, my eldest adores his little brother and vice versa. I dress them alike ..this is VERY cute. For parties I buy special clothes..a nice shirt and I get matching!
    We were at the park today and there were 2 brothers the same age gap. They were 4 and 6, a little boy was blocking the slide stopping the little one going down, the 6 yr old ran over and shouted let my brother down! They were so close and stuck up for each other.
    The only thing I miss with a girl is the clothes but I saw lots of girls today dressed in blue and jeans etc, my friends little girl will NOT have her hair done or wear a dress and she is only 4!!
    I think mother son relationship is what you make it! I guess the same came be said for mother daughters, I wouldn't have had my mum at the birth of my children but I would have had my MIL..in some ways I'm closer to my partners family than my own.

    Things will be just fine x
     
  8. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    Thank you, I really needed to hear that... It really helps to know that maybe one day I can form really good relationships with my future daughter in laws. It would kill me to be on bad terms! And I suppose you're right. As a little girl, I was all tomboy. I hated sitting for my hair to be done and quite honestly never wore dresses or the like. I wanted to be in boy things more often than not. I guess in a way, I wanted to have a chance to have a good mother-daughter relationship since my own is strained at best.

    My little boys will be my world. I enjoy my son so much and he was so cute today. He crawled into my lap and fell asleep so we took a nap together. I'm excited for Micah to be really (hopefully) close to his brother. I hope they'll stick together and be great sibs. Maybe the close age gap will make it so they are into the same things at relatively the same time. My older sister has boys 4 years apart and they, while close in their own way, never played together at all for obvious reasons.
     
  9. kaths101

    kaths101 Well-Known Member

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    :flower:
    What will the age gap be between your boys? another thing I always think and I know from friends who has one of each it's really hard to occupy both or keep both happy at the same time if you go for a day out. My friend finds if they do something girly the boy misses out and if they do trains and things the girls is bored ..they are quite a bit older..6 and 10 I think but they struggle to do things as a family.
    With our 2 boys imagine the fun at fairs, dinosaur parks, Thomas days out, they can go on rides together. They will always be at the same stage more a less of liking things and once the LO is a bit older they can do everything together.

    I know ALOT of men that are very close to their mums. My ex used to ring his mum every day and talk for at least an hour. It's up to us to not be the dreaded MIL and to be there for them all when they need us.

    My little boys swimming teacher always says to me you are so lucky to have boys, she had 2 girls and a boy and says the boy is always so much more cuddley and needs her more than the girls..and girls tantrums are worse! :haha:
    Also just think we avoid all the worry of hormones, rows over makeup and short skirts, periods and who they are going out with, getting pregnant etc etc.. :haha:
    Xx
     
  10. kaths101

    kaths101 Well-Known Member

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    Here's a few pics of them in their matching outfits and to show how close they are :kiss:

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  11. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    Their age gap will be 16 months or so. So pretty small! Kind of where I wanted it to be, but bit nervous. Loved the pics of your little ones though! Love the matching outfits! I'm so tempted to do the same thing. I like the idea of it being easier to do family things too...I know a lot of families that struggle with planning things because their daughters and sons don't get along or find the hobbies of the other gender boring. :p Not sure many boys would like being dragged shopping or girls going to a sports game for example. At least from prior experience. Each can be completely different as an individual. :thumbup:

    I'm adjusting a little better. I really don't know what to do to help DH though. He wanted a daughter even more than I did.
     
  12. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    Just when I think I'm doing okay, I realize I'm not. I've been staying out of places I usually visit, like the baby name sections, because seeing all the threads on baby girl names makes me feel jealous and upset. I posted baby's ultrasound and had bunch of boy responses and I again felt my stomach turn.

    I guess I've been in denial. I'm trying to tell myself it's okay for so many reasons. I keep trying to wait out for the 19 week scan. But the scan looks just like Micah's so I know not to hope. I feel fine during the day...it's at night when it's bad. :cry:
     
  13. katherinegrey

    katherinegrey Well-Known Member

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    I know how you feel. I avoid opening most of the threads on second tri boards, as I can't stand any more ecstatic 'I'm on team pink' threads. I especially hate the threads that happily proclaim how they're now having one of each, and their families will be perfect and complete. I know they're only happy, but it feels like a knife every time.
     
  14. SabrinaKat

    SabrinaKat Delighted Mum to Finn

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    I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time, but I think it's great that you are expressing how you feel now - what I mean is, you know you will love your little boy no matter what, but there will be always a little part of you that will always wonder, 'what if'.

    I wanted a girl more than anything, but after several miscarriages and about to start IVF, we got lucky naturally with our little boy. I do sometimes look at the girls' clothes in stores, but I think my Finn won't be happy with those clothes (that is a bit of humour, honestly).

    take care of yourselves and just remember, just because your family may not have close mother/daughter-in-law relationships, you can break that pattern?

    best wishes
     
  15. Fallacy

    Fallacy Soon to be mum of 2!

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    I know...That's part of the guilt. I've had several miscarriages, and one right before I got pregnant this time actually. I do feel blessed to even have this LO, which is why I know I already love him no matter what. :flower: I want to meet him and give him his kisses so I won't even think of other things.

    Either way, I'm glad I'm going through this now.
     
  16. moter98

    moter98 Well-Known Member

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    I know how you feel. I'm having boy #3. There will be good days and bad days. I don't think I will ever not have a desire for a girl, but it has nothing to do with my little prince I'm about to have. It's more so, I want my little princess too.
     

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