Why do people with kids...

[Mrs Eleflump]

...enjoy telling you how once you have them, your life is over?

I know several people who do nothing but moan about their children. They never have anything good to say about being a parent. Obviously not all the parents I know are like this, but a pretty high proportion are.

I mean, I get it, having kids is tough (okay, I probably don't get it, since I don't have any yet, but you know what I mean when I say this?), you lose sleep, you never stop worrying about them, they do things that drive you nuts, etc etc.

But if they're really that awful, why do people keep having them?!

Why do people seem to get such a kick out of telling hopeful future parents all the horror stories? Do they see it as passing on parently wisdom? Do they want to warn us off ruining our lives? Are they just being evil?

Do they really think that we haven't thought about the disruption and how our lives will change once we have a LO? I know you don't know how it is until you've done it, but every child is different so there's no way to know in advance what your hurdles are going to be, even if you've already had 10 kids!

I have health problems that could quite seriously impact on my baby's health, so I've given it a lot of thought, whether it's the right thing to do from that point of view and also from the financial/career/lifestyle angles, and we still think having a baby is the right thing for us. Why are so many people sure they know better than us?

Urgh, rant over...this just really quite upsets me I'm really not looking forward to the"everyone's opinion being shoved down my throat" part of pregnancy and parenting.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

Well, I thought I knew what to expect... That being said: yes, your life does change. I miss sleeping in until noon. Or having a couple of beers after a long day. None of that compares to waking up every morning to a smiling face that is thrilled to see me. And I'm sure the neighbors think I'm crazy after the reaction I had when I first saw her roll over. Being a parent is what you make of it. There are definitely rough times, and sometimes you just need a break, but knowing they are YOUR child and getting to watch them grow makes it so worthwhile.

The advice is just an unfortunate part of having children. You will figure out what works best for you. I tend to just smile politely and keep doing what I'm doing.

I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy when you do get to that point!

 

[Bex84]

We are trying for number 2 but saw this on the front page, I had this comment (when we were trying to conceive number one and had lots of problems this was not appreciated), just as I had people telling me the horrors of child birth when I was pregnant. However I can happily say my lo is the best thing that ever happened to me and I would not complain about the wonderful gift which is her. I would say for me my life became fulfilled and began when I had my daughter, I cant imagine life without her and wake up with a smile on my face everyday, I'm less stressed and a much happier person

 

[HoneyBee144]

Oh I hated it when people said this to me before I was pregnant and during, even now I have DS other people think they should say 'wait till he gets older' as if I hadn't realised he would! Sometimes people say it 'in the right way' without being smug or condescending as it does completely change your life and you never really know what to expect until YOU have YOUR child because like you said every child is different. On the other hand most people just say it in a condescending way as if you're the most naive person on the planet and it really irritates me

It must be so frustrating for you especially with having health problems and having to carefully consider everything, for someone to then come along and make such a gift sound so bad isn't fair. Everyone knows babies/children are hard work, you never quite know how hard till you've had them but then you never quite know how much you can love this little baby so unconditionally or how they can make you feel every single emotion possible, the good, the bad and the ugly. It has positives and negatives but to me the positives far outweigh the negatives

Sorry for the rant! Yes pregnancy and babies can be testing and hard but at the end of the day it is still one of the most amazing times so don't like anyone take that away from you

 

[Mrs Eleflump]

Thank you, ladies I know things will change and it will be different to anything I've experienced before...even having the cat waking us up at 5.30 for breakfast won't prepare us for a LO doing it through the night!

I'm just of the opinion that if I get to have children, and if I am lucky enough to avoid the problems with pregnancy (recurrent miscarriage, heart defects in the baby) associated with my medical condition, then even if my LO tries my patience and exhausts me, I'll still be grateful to have him/her and will attempt to keep my complaining to a minimum.

There's one guy in particular I know, he has three kids, and he is always so negative about spending time with them. It's as if he regrets having them, the way he talks. I don't know how anyone can feel that way about a child

I just get so frustrated when people ask if we're thinking of having kids soon (because we've been married more than three years and what are we waiting for??) and then when I say we'd like to, they start on about 'oh, you'll never get a lie-in again, you'll never have any disposable income again, your house will always be a mess, your brain will leak out of your ears from all the children's TV, you'll never have any time to yourself....'

 

[MummyJade]

My life did change... I was 18 living my life out every weekend even in the week, a baby was the last thing from my mind... never even gave kids a thought.. but the moment i seen that little line appear but life changed for the better...

Yes you cant leave the house in 5 mins, or get up when you want or do what you want without thinking of anyone else but you. but I wouldnt change it for the world...

People say it to be dramatic I think, but honestly you just roll with it and you enjoy it, you love every min.. Yeah you get tired and worried at some points, but your life doesnt end... it just begins x

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I think it's all about how you approach parenthood and how good you are at time management and multi-tasking. Plus it depends on your baby! Evelyn's pretty good at sleeping 9-9 without waking up, so I get to sleep in until 9 every morning. That's about two hours more than when I was working at my corporate job. I do my best to "clean as I go", and as soon as she's down for the night I go through and do a general clean-up to get ready for the next day. The time to myself is a bit of a problem, because my husband is currently away on military assignment, but I get time at night when she's asleep, and my mother takes her to church every Sunday and Wednesday. It's definitely a lot easier if you have a supportive partner that helps with the children. I think a lot of the people that complain are the ones that have partners who don't do much besides bring home the money.

Just tell the people you're sorry they have had a negative experience with their parenting, but you're quite looking forward to all of the positive experiences that come with being a mother!

Hopefully you have a healthy baby!

 

[Pearls18]

Hope you don't mind me posting Mrs E but saw this and wanted to comment. I love what the PP said "parenting is what you make of it" this is SO true, if I am in a bad mood I can certainly give myself a bad day and internally blame being a mother for it, when in reality kids are just easy targets for blame when you're having a tough time, which everyone has kids or not now and again.

I don't know why people feel the need to be so negative, it's almost like they smell your optimism and they want to extinguish it, or maybe they're worried about appearing smug so try and be negative as opposed to gushing, I don't know. But what I do know is that you are an intelligent enough woman to know what's right for you, to see through what people say whatever their intention and will no doubt be a fantastic parent, you'll have down days of course you will becoming a parent doesn't suddenly ascend you to cloud 9 as you know, you just have different problems, but you have amazing highs and that's what gets you through the sleepless nights or whatever. The only thing worse than worrying for a loved one is not having a loved one to worry for, so you rant away and remember to keep what they say in context. My fingers are firmly crossed for you, I hope you get your time soon and that you are looking after yourself

 

[Mrs Eleflump]

Thank you so much everyone This is why I love BnB.

I am definitely not so naïve as to think I will never complain or have rough times when I need to vent, absolutely not! I just don't understand why some people do it all the time and make parenting out to be such a negative experience.

It's lovely to come on here and see how devoted everyone is to their children, and I have seen from all the ladies on BnB over the last almost 3 years (eek, has it really been that long!!) that it is possible and in fact normal to have children and a life. I love how no-one here goes on about 'wait til you have kids, then you'll know what tired is' (and they're talking to me as a person who has severe autoimmune-related fatigue ).

 

[Erised]

My life begun when I had my children
Sure I loved the years I had before them, where I would sleep in until the early afternoon and stay up to watch the sun rise again. Now I'm lucky to make it until 11pm and get woken up at 7am, usually after a lot of broken sleep

Before my girls though, I was naive and wasted my days. Now I get to be responsible, have a routine and watch my efforts turn into an amazing life that tells me she loves me. How can anyone ever say their life is over? Mine has so much more purpose now

 

[GreyGirl]

Every day isn't perfect or a picnic - but I don't publicize it as it helps no one. Same way I don't moan about my OH in public or at work (now he works at the same place, so it's a good job I didn't!).
That being said, if someone asks me about childbirth or parenthood I am honest and balanced in my view.

 

[Mrs Eleflump]

That being said, if someone asks me about childbirth or parenthood I am honest and balanced in my view.

Thiiiiiiis! This is what I want as an intending mama-to-be I don't want to hear it's all doom and gloom, but I know it's not butterflies and cupcakes all the time either. I really value people's experience when they know more than me about something, as long as it's related in a constructive manner, not all condescending and scaremongering.

 

[GreyGirl]

That being said, if someone asks me about childbirth or parenthood I am honest and balanced in my view.

Thiiiiiiis! This is what I want as an intending mama-to-be I don't want to hear it's all doom and gloom, but I know it's not butterflies and cupcakes all the time either. I really value people's experience when they know more than me about something, as long as it's related in a constructive manner, not all condescending and scaremongering.

That's what I wanted before too. Thankfully most of my friends and my sister were balanced. I like to pay it forward to others. I had a close friend who was 4 months behind me in pregnancy ask me blunt and honest questions about labour - I told her what I could from my experience. I didn't paint it any different. If you ever have any questions and want honest answers, I can tell you what I know

 

[LockandKey]

I never really got why people say this to be honest, I have 2 of my own and have never felt that my life was "over," just more challenging, busy, some days are filled with smiles, laughter and joy, and others are filled with tears and frustration, but I would never trade it for anything, and I kind of feel sorry for anybody who says "their life is over" or says it to anyone else.

Date nights with your OH/DH become far more rare, but you appreciate it more, you gain an understanding of what your own mother and father went through, anything you did before children you can still do, just need a sitter or family member to watch the kids for a few hours, and the smiles, hugs, kisses, and hearing your children's laughter will always turn a bad day into a good one and melt your heart. Children are an amazing blessing, taking the good along with all the bad, and all cheesiness aside, I honestly feel like I have a real purpose for living now, because my babies need me.

 

[fides]

There are always going to be Debbie Downers. Once you've had a child, then it will be, "Oh, you just wait until he/she's teething/walking/potty-training/etc"

Each child is different, and each parent is different - how it's been for another person is NO indication of how it will be for you guys. Just take it with a grain of salt - maybe they're complaining just to vent and are using you as an outlet to blow off steam.

 

[tverb84]

I pretty much agree with fides about how every child and parent are different.

 

[crayoncrittle]

I cannot stand when people say this! Or "make the most of *insert activity* before you have kids!!!1" as if the moment you have a baby you have a ball and chain locked around your leg and you're not allowed to do anything else for the next 18 years.

It's like some people think their life will be over. My life has hardly begun! It is waiting to start the next huge chapter of the rest of my life.

Plus, just because it's crap for them doesn't mean it's going to be crap for me!

 

[katherinegrey]

I try to be honest when childless friends ask me what it's like, and unfortunately for me, I had a rough pregnancy and birth so maybe I sound like I'm dishing out horror stories, when really I'm just giving my version of it. HOWEVER, I do stress every time how it was all worth it. And it was. Like someone else said, parenting is what you make of it, if you start thinking, 'now I'm a parent I can't do xyz' then you're going to have a pretty miserable time of it. Instead I think, 'now I'm a parent, maybe I can't do this or that, but instead I'm a mommy and I wouldn't trade all the long lie ins and long soaks in the bath in the world for my son'.

 

[J04NN4]

I do think some people just like to play that game of 'I have it harder than you'. I do agree too that this attitude doesn't stop when you have a baby, you just get the wait until they're teething/walking/you have a second. Some people are just dicks, unfortunately.

That said, being a mum is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. And some days it's not particularly rewarding, either. It is a slog. But it is all I have ever wanted and I wouldn't change a thing. I waited for a long time to TTC and I thought I was super prepared, but the first months of motherhood came as such a shock to me. The recovery from labour, the sleep deprivation, the pressure on your relationship - it is brutal. And there is no real way of preparing for it. But you do get through it and then it becomes more and more fun

I love my son so much and I love being a mum but I wish I hadn't wished away those last few months of it just being me and OH and made the most of it a bit more. I was miserable and mopey and wanted a baby so badly that I didn't make the most of life before it changed forever. That's not to say my life is over now though, every day brings something new and fun and amazing

 

[deafgal]

I find mostly the older generations will tell you this. My MIL especially. I don't think she like kids very much. Even to this day, I can not relate to her and my son is in his teens (and even have some issues on his own where he need counseling to help him through it so it is not like he is an easy child. He is very difficult) yet I still love him and still have not resent having kids and still enjoy him .

She'll say things like I would rather have pain while pregnant than dealing with a baby (or something like that)...after I told her I can barely move and can not wait for my YDD to be born. but, nope , after my YDD, I rather deal with caring my bundle of joy than pregnancy pain. Way more.