Woman with anxiety disorder needs advice.

[cbbrankley]

I am 29 and have been married to my husband, who is 33, for 5 years. When we first got together my anxiety issues were more under control and I was able to go out and do things that I don't do now. I don't even go to the grocery store or drive because my anxiety is so bad.

However, since we met, I've always talked about having kids, at least until the last couple years since my anxiety has gotten worse. I've become scared to have children because of being scared of going out in public and of course, actually having a baby.

My husband has brought up having kids the last few years but I've told him I'm not ready now and he usually says that it sucks I'm not ready but is supportive of me. The other day he mentioned again that we should both go get checked out and everything so we could start trying. Even though I am terrified of being pregnant now, I kind of feel like maybe we should try.

I know with all my issues that it should be a definite no but since we both had the understanding that we wanted kids pretty much as soon as we got married, and it's already been 5 years, I kind of feel like I owe it to him. He has been far and beyond what a husband should be. He's been extremely patient and understanding with me when dealing with my anxiety and he's done everything he can to show that he's going to be there for me and take care of me as long as he's able.

He's always said that he wanted children sooner rather than later because he has the knees of an 80 year old already and has has 3 surgeries on one of them. He says that he wants kids before he gets to the point that he can't really play ball and stuff with them. He has a great job that more than supports both of us and our 5 pets. And every time I see him around a baby, I can tell how badly he wants one of his own.

When the subject came up the other day, he told me that he understands my issues and that he's willing to do everything that the child needs that I can't do, even though he believes that having a child will give me a purpose and motivation to do stuff that scares me now. He even said that he has faith in me and knows that I can handle it if I gave it a chance.

Please give your honest opinions (Please don't be mean though). What should I do? How would you handle this situation? Oh and btw, not that it makes a difference but I'm going to add that, my little sister is now 5 months pregnant and his brother and sis-in-law had their first child last March and I think he would like to have kids around the same age of their cousins. They all have their crap together though, lol.

 

[Amygdala]

I don't think your anxiety should stop you having children.
BUT: I think you need to be aware that a pregnancy and a baby will be an added challenge. Your husband seems to think it might magically cure you. You need to be aware that it will most likely make things harder for a while. There are all sorts of hormonal and psychological changes and very little sleep for a while and your previous issues put you at a higher risk of peri- or postnatal anxiety and depression. And being a parent is terrifying at times, for everyone.

So if I was in your shoes, I'd find a good behaviour therapist now and work on the anxiety, then try for a baby once you feel a bit more confident but keep in close touch with the therapist. I really wouldn't embark on this without the help of a mental health specialist, and one you like and trust. You owe it to yourself and your future children to try to be as well as you can be throughout this. There is no reason at all you'd be any less of a good parent because of your anxiety but you have to make sure you minimise the risks.

Once you do get pregnant, make sure you build a good support network from the start. Maybe go to prenatal classes, look up baby groups etc and make sure you meet some mummy friends. Trust me, it can make all the difference.

Those are just my thoughts of course. In the end, only you and hubby can decide. And only know can know if you're able to cope. Don't make decisions based on what you think you "should" do, because you promised hubby or for any other reason. Things change. If you're not quite ready yet, that's ok and should be respected.

 

[krissie328]

I agree with the pp. You should really seek the help of a mental health professional. I suffer from anxiety and in some respects it got better while I was pregnant. But I was always fearful for my baby. Then I had him and my anxiety about everything got much worse. When he was 9 months old I finally started some therapy and it helped a tremendous amount.

Maybe take a few months, get physicals and start some therapy and reevaluate the situation.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

It is completely normal to experience anxiety in your first pregnancy. I had all those fears too. I remember sending my DH to do most of the shopping because I was afraid of people seeing my belly. I would always wonder how the girls at the lake feel comfortable letting it all hang out in a bikini, when I would have to go out in public, I would wear something that would make it less obvious that I was pregnant as to avoid everyone wanting to touch my bump and asking me 100 questions or, worse, giving me their advice on child rearing.

Birthing a miniature human scared the living lights out of me. I was so worried about something going wrong. People always told me their horror stories (...gee thanks...) and I kept worrying about needing a C-section because I was a C-section baby - was born breech - and was worried about my children being breech. I avoided birth classes because that seemed weird to me to go to a class that teaches you something that should be so natural. I went into labor not knowing what I was doing but I ended up having an all natural, 4 hour labor and birthed her in only 2 hours of pushing. Considering that she was almost 9 lbs, that wasn't bad for a first timer.

I like to say that after I had my DD I lost all my dignity in the birthing center because of how many nurses and doctors saw a part of my body I aimed only my DH to see. I fell pregnant with my DS only 3-4 months after giving birth to my DD (was on BC that I wasn't taking at the same time each day) so I was now juggling between taking care of an infant and being pregnant again. My anxiety became worse and after birthing my DS I had to go on medication for anxiety/depression for a while because adjusting to my new life. As soon as my youngest hit the age of 2 and started being able to speak more, it seemed like a weight was lifted off me, so I weaned myself off the medication.

I know this doesn't really give you advice but I thought I'd share my story so you have some support and know you're not alone in your feelings. If you think that waiting is the better option for you, by all means do so. Do not feel pressured to get pregnant because "you have to". If your DH is staying around and is ok with you waiting, then I don't see why you can't. I would suggest trying to get your anxiety under control first though because, as the pps said, it only adds more stress to a relationship and your mental stability when a new addition is added to the family. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!

 

[dream2reality]

i have had anxiety issues too, and my best advice would be is to take little steps in recovering/ over coming your anxiety... like maybe go to a grocery store even for 5 mins walk around the shop and try your best to be strong minded and think of things that can get you through it. Like occupy your mind on the items on the shelf and try not to think about the anxiety.. but if you do feel anxious just relax and think it will go away/ get better over time. Little steps can always make a difference. even if u go for small walks around areas where u live to try to get rid of the anxiety feelings you get. because my anxiety use to hit me when i would do grocery shopping, but i tried and i tried to stop that anxiety feeling and now i am better than ever with it. I hope u do get better babe. xoxoxo

 

[cbbrankley]

Thanks Ladies! I'm still not sure what I want to do yet because I have always wanted children since I was a child myself. I was always that little kid that wanted to help with any baby that was around. A point I've made to my husband, which he understands, is that if something happened to him, I'd still need to provide for the child and I don't think I could do that by myself. So all logic and reasoning tells me to not even think about it but my heart tells me that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea. I want to have children before I get past the point of where I can no longer conceive. I already think I have something wrong since I've never been pregnant and for the first couple years of marriage we actually ntnp.