worst person in the world

[lillio]

I feel like... I've lost something. Had our 20 week scan yesterday, I wanted a girl, I thought, believed was CERTAIN it was a girl! Had a girlie name picked, girls bedding, literally could see myself and DH with our little princess... even during the scan i was convinced... but the lady doing the scan just quipped 'it's a wee boy' I was numb.

He was perfect, perfect size, moving all around but the rest of the scan was a blur, couldn't even thank the girl, followed hubby out of the hospital in a daze, got in the car and wept, howled! I just felt 'this can't be right' then when I saw the pain on DH's face I realised how bad I sounded!

Here we were leaving our big scan, having got the news that our, much longed for, baby was happy and healthy and here I was crying! Then the guilt hit! Here was this perfect wee baby kicking away and I was crying because in my eyes HE should have been a SHE!

I am the ultimate girlie girl, I have no idea how to parent a little boy, I have 2 brothers and one sister, of my brothers growing up one was a complete tearaway wee boy always up to mischief and the other was a complete zippy mummy's boy... they are the same now they are older... not helpful to me right now.

I know DH secretly wanted a little girl too and then I felt even WORSE knowing he was a little disappointed but I was behaving like a spoilt brat! Had it been a girl I would have been telling everyone running around buying stuff and celebrating... but I just felt numb, DH insisted on going for dinner as we had planned to celebrate but I couldn't pull myself together.

I feel awful, I feel disappointed, I feel guilty for feeling disappointed and I just cannot get past it. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this! All I hear is people saying how much you love your baby when it's born no matter what it's like... that just makes me feel worse... what if I don't love it? I'm all messed up. I was the most excited person in the world about having a baby, I've had a horrible pregnancy, hyperemesis and seizures and I still feel like crap... I had this terrible thought like 'I've gone through all this and I'm only halfway there and, this isn't right!!!'

I just had to get this out, I just hope someone out there can understand and no one is too judgemental... I couldn't feel any worse about myself. What do I do?

 

[curlylocks]

Hi Lillio,
No one will be judgemental in here, that is what this area is for, and we all feel the same in some way.
I can only offer that, as much as you feel pain now, when your little boy is born you will love him very much.
Is this your first baby?
I have 1 DS already. When we were able to find out the sex I couldn't bring myself to find out. I was so desperately hoping for a daughter. I couldnt every imagine having a boy as I am so close to my mum and sister. After 42 long weeks and a pretty awful labour, my beautiful little boy was born. I'm not going to lie, for a good few hours after the birth I was in shock (and feel guilty to say, dissapointed). It wasn't how I had imagined. But it soon passed. Our little boy was the 3rd piece to our family and was a healthy perfect little boy.
I hope I feel the same and can follow my own advice now that we are TTC #2 (even more desperate for a DD).
I hope you can soon enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

 

[Ms. Shortie]

Hi! Definitely no judgement here. It is perfectly normal to feel sad and disappointed when you had expectations and hopes. I really wanted a boy for my 2nd since my DH and his family really want one and it looks like it's going to be a 2nd girl (still waiting to confirm but at least 13 week ultrasound says so). I keep feeling disappointed about it and hoping I'll be surprised at the next ultrasound or birth.

Give yourself some time to come to terms with it and don't beat yourself up over it. I think when the baby arrives your maternal instincts really will take over and you'll love him to pieces and won't be able to imagine having it any other way. I know in some ways you don't want to hear that but I have never heard about anyone not love their baby... and I have heard of a lot of people who were gender disappointed.

Go enjoy your meal... treat yourself to a yummy dessert. You can always vent here without judgement.

 

[hannahhlove]

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get what you were planning so much on having I can tell you, from experience (not of having my own children - but my mom does home daycare) that boys can be a VERY wonderful thing. Before she started doing daycare a few years ago, I was so convinced I would only ever want girls and told my mom if it was a boy I'd give it up for adoption (obviously not but that's how I felt about having a boy!). Ever since she has gotten more boys than girls, I am now realizing that boys can be great fun!! You make your child into whoever you want them to be. You raise them to have rules and restrictions you would like, so they're not the child you wouldn't want!

I am now leaning a BIT more towards wanting a boy! I know it's only for my boyfriend since he wants a boy, since I would LOVE a little girl still - but it goes to show how perceptions can change big time!!

You're not a horrible person at ALL for feeling this way!! I mean, it's a 50/50 chance of having a girl/boy and you got the one you weren't planning on...but that doesn't mean you won't love it can care for it. Remember you can always try for another one I'm sure with a bit of time, thinking, and shopping - you'll feel a bit better about the situation. Boys can be great fun

 

[Adela Quested]

I highly recommend books about bringing up boys - when I found out I was having a boy I read "It's a Boy" by Michael Thompson & Teresa H. Barker. It really helped me to see that this strange creature was not that strange after all, and it helped me to adjust - I had no idea what to do with a little boy!!!

Don't feel guilty for mourning the 'loss' of your little dream girl. We also react differently when pregnant to how we might react otherwise (due to hormones etc), which is why your husband behaved very differently (plus of course you are two different people).

I promise you you will move past this, and you are NOT a bad person!

Edited to add: I love my little boy to bits now and I wouldn't change anything about him for the world!

 

[katherinegrey]

I could have wrote this exact post, in fact, I wrote one very similar when I first found out my baby was a boy, it just wouldn't let me post it for some reason! (think my computer is playing up!). I know EXACTLY how you feel, right down to the having a girls name picked out to the feelings of guilt for being totally underwhelmed it's a boy. All I can say say is nearly a week after I found out, I'm slowly coming round to it, I've bought a couple of blue things to get me used to the idea. I'm now getting excited to meet the baby I am having, as opposed to the baby I wanted to have. I didn't think I'd start to come round this quickly, considering I was so upset and cried so much when I found out it's a boy, but surprisingly I am doing. Give it a few days hun and you might feel a little bit different xx

 

[lillio]

thanks so much for all your replies... I'm coming around. I feel awful about my reaction and that's probably what I'm most upset about. I wanted a baby for so long, and now I've got one on the way, and I know that I will love him and do my best for him. This is my special baby and he was meant for me and now I can't wait to meet him!

Of course I'd still like a girl, but we'll try again (hopefully the memory of this nightmare pregnancy will fade lol) and in the meantime I'm more than halfway through before I get my baby.

It really helped being able to say this out loud, you've all been so supportive and I think just getting it out there, knowing that I'm not alone, that someone understands, has helped me immeasurably. Thank you xx

 

[Rafiki]

Dont worry wuth time you'll be the happiest mum but take your time,right now am used and there was a time i cried so much but now cry if you need to.It all be ok

 

[Viking15]

I wanted a boy and we are getting a girl, so I have the opposite problem, but I completely understand how you feel. I also had a boy's name picked out and I just can't picture myself with a little girl. Even still. My scan was three weeks ago, and I have had one little cry about it when alone. I don't feel any better about it. I feel resigned to it and disappointed. I feel like I am being punished. I realize that there are no guarantees, and I am lucky to be pregnant and have a healthy baby inside of me. I am still just gutted. My DH accepted it easily, and doesn't seem to understand why I feel this way. I try not to talk about it much since I sound like such an ass. I know that I do. I feel like a horrible human being for being so incredibly selfish. These are my true feelings though. I feel like my love for this baby has been shattered. HORRID right?

 

[destynibaby]

I know how you feel. I am also a very girly girl and always pictured myself with a princess. I wanted 2 kids. a girl first and then a boy. but now that im getting a boy first and i come on this site and see women with 4 and 5 boys, i feel like i will never get my girl and i definitely dont want that many kids trying to conceive a girl. We will for sure try again and im gonna do every old wives tale to get a girl. at 15 weeks tech guessed boy, i was disappointed but slowly came around to the idea and when it was confirmed at 20 weeks my baby is indeed a boy. I was just happy that he is healthy and was moving around, putting his hands in front of his face and hiccuping. I definitely still want my princess. But i will never take my prince for granted and he will be loved dearly. Im just happy I have a wonderful man by my side who is over the moon about his son.

 

[SabrinaKat]

I feel guilty writing this because I completely understand how you feel (wanted a little girl, have a little boy) and I was gutted for a few days, but Finn is healthy, happy and the sweetest little boy in the world (apologies to other mummies!).

I like some of the suggestions that the other posters have made! I also agree that once your LO comes, you will love him so much that it will be okay. Honestly!

best wishes

 

[Baby321]

Hiya,
You'll get over being disappointed. I have got over mine. I wanted a boy since I was pregnant second time round. This is my sixth pregnancy but I have had 2 miscarriages, so it is my fourth child. Each time I have wished for a boy especially when I was expecting my third child and also this time round but I don't think I will get my boy. this is my last baby due to having sections, I will be getting sterilised this time round because i am really risking my life now. I was told last time not to have any more babies but I have taken a risk.

When I had my 20 week scan, I felt very disappointed although I did not ask what it was the potty shot definitely looked like a girls. I had my scan 8 weeks ago, for a couple of weeks I did grieve that I would not get my boy but i am fine about it now just hoping baby to be healthy. I think about the people who have not been able to conceive a child at all, that gets me by.

You'll be ok after a few weeks. Remember you still can try again x

 

[lillio]

I wanted a boy and we are getting a girl, so I have the opposite problem, but I completely understand how you feel. I also had a boy's name picked out and I just can't picture myself with a little girl. Even still. My scan was three weeks ago, and I have had one little cry about it when alone. I don't feel any better about it. I feel resigned to it and disappointed. I feel like I am being punished. I realize that there are no guarantees, and I am lucky to be pregnant and have a healthy baby inside of me. I am still just gutted. My DH accepted it easily, and doesn't seem to understand why I feel this way. I try not to talk about it much since I sound like such an ass. I know that I do. I feel like a horrible human being for being so incredibly selfish. These are my true feelings though. I feel like my love for this baby has been shattered. HORRID right?

not horrid at all!! we can't help our feelings, I think especially when your pregnant every feeling you have just becomes magnified! It's so hard to get through the first 20 weeks if pregnancy, I know it was for me with sickness etc, so I consoled myself by constantly thinking, planning, dreaming about reaching that magical half way point and finding out what my baby was.

What I didn't realise was that everything that I had thought, planned, dreamed about revolved around the baby being a girl! I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from underneath me! I've spend the last few days reevaluating everything, remembering how much I wanted a baby, how hard we tried, how every negative pregnancy test broke my heart a little and I realised... Ive got exactly what I always wanted, I'm pregnant, I've made it to 20 weeks, baby us healthy!

I have spent some time chatting to baby (sounds weird I know) I've bought him a few bits and pieces, built him a teddy at build a bear, discovered how cute boys clothes can actually be and I feel a lot better! I can't wait to meet him now I'm so excited! I think my initial reaction to him has upset me so much and made me feel so guilty I'm almost MORE excited because I feel like I'm making it up to him.

Sounds bizare reading my original post now but... if I could magically change him to a little girl... I wouldn't do it. He's unique and he's my special baby and he's been sent especially for me. I just have to prove now that I can deserve him. You'll feel better soon, I'm sure we'll all have moments where we'll wobble, what helped me most was talking it through in here and realising I wasn't alone... or a terrible person. xx

 

[SabrinaKat]

What I didn't realise was that everything that I had thought, planned, dreamed about revolved around the baby being a girl! I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from underneath me! I've spend the last few days reevaluating everything, remembering how much I wanted a baby, how hard we tried, how every negative pregnancy test broke my heart a little and I realised... Ive got exactly what I always wanted, I'm pregnant, I've made it to 20 weeks, baby us healthy!

I have spent some time chatting to baby (sounds weird I know) I've bought him a few bits and pieces, built him a teddy at build a bear, discovered how cute boys clothes can actually be and I feel a lot better! I can't wait to meet him now I'm so excited! I think my initial reaction to him has upset me so much and made me feel so guilty I'm almost MORE excited because I feel like I'm making it up to him.

Sounds bizare reading my original post now but... if I could magically change him to a little girl... I wouldn't do it. He's unique and he's my special baby and he's been sent especially for me. I just have to prove now that I can deserve him. You'll feel better soon, I'm sure we'll all have moments where we'll wobble, what helped me most was talking it through in here and realising I wasn't alone... or a terrible person. xx

My thoughts exactly and beautifully put! I prayed for a healthy baby and got one.....!

best wishes

 

[misshopefull]

I already had a DS and I really wanted a girl and was so sure baby number 2 was going to be a girl. We decided not to find out at 20 week scan and I think looking back this was because I was worried they would say its a boy and I would be so dissapointed.

When DS2 was born and my OH said its a boy i said 'are you joking?' Total shock!

I did worry that I was going to be very disappointed as the news sunk in. When I got home I looked on line at all the cute girls clothes to see how I felt.

I still want a girl but sometimes I look at DS2 and think I can't imagine you being a girl!

He is a lovely baby. I feel like my heart could actually burst with love! He is so happy and I feel so lucky to have two happy healthy children.

Its totally different when you actually meet your child, they become more than just 'a girl' or 'a boy'.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy