Your Parents are not to see the new baby before My Mum

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Third Trimester' started by shazland, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. shazland

    shazland Well-Known Member

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    Hi Ladies,
    I wont go on too long but I was shocked when my OH came out with this statement the other day.
    He seems to think it will be unfair for my Mum or Dad to see the baby before his Mum gets the chance to.
    I think this is unfair because it is me who has to go through labor etc, and I don't know how I am going to feel during or afterwards as it is my first baby and we don't know what the birth will entail. I might want my Mum their but I might not, I don't know, but I know she want's to be their.
    His mum is on her own and he is worried it will hurt her feelings if my parents get to see the baby first, but what about my feelings??
    Of course I'm going to feel more comfortable in my parents company after such an ordeal, he just doesn't understand and thinks I am excluding her and being horrible as usual. Is it normal for the mothers parents to see the baby before the fathers parents?
    Oh and I only have two days to sort myself out before the whole family are invited over WTF?. I never thought we'd be having this argument.
    I just want to know I am allowed my mum their if I need her and I don't have to entertain his Mother or his whole family before I am ready to. Nightmare!!
    I'd love to know what you ladies think. Any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. Lulu1982

    Lulu1982 Well-Known Member

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    Most of our friends will be seeing our baby before any of our parents do as they live quite a distance from us! I'm not worried about who's first to see her as long andd OH anmd I get the spend a few hours alone first with her. I think it's lovely that everyone is so excited about meeting her!

    Who's there for the delivery should be your choice as long as it doesn't make your partner feel excluded.x
     
  3. Jellybaby100

    Jellybaby100 Well-Known Member

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    This sounds exactly what happened to a friend of mine....her MIL wanted to be there AT THE BIRTH!!!! As is happened, she was there about 30 mins afterwards and was helping my poor mate BF and even whipped my mates boob out for her!

    I just dont think people understand how we will feel - stick to your guns, but put it to your OH rationally and calmly - mine is just the same and I get accused of just being 'grumpy and miserable' when in fact I am just knackered and annoyed!

    Good Luck!

    JB x
     
  4. mildred81

    mildred81 Well-Known Member

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    Personally i don't see what difference it should make to either of the grandparents, whatever happens they will have a new grandchild to love and that won't change if one set sees the baby 5 minutes before the other. If you want your mum there for support what is she supposed to do close her eyes when the baby is born. Tell you're other half his mum can come and see the baby as soon as she wants to but if your mum is there first you're not going to turn her away. xx
     
  5. crazylilth1ng

    crazylilth1ng Well-Known Member

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    I think he is being unreasonable. As you said... what if you decide you want your mum there during labour? What is she supposed to do, close her eyes when the baby comes out just so your OH mum sees baby first??? It is nothing to do with leaving her out and purely to do with what makes YOU comfortable during YOUR labour and delivery. It is a vulnerable time for you, surely your OH sees that?

    Just be straight with him... you might NEED your mum there to help you prepare and get ready to face everyone else.
     
  6. Blah11

    Blah11 ☼ Mummy to Amelie ☼

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    my parents both saw our LO before OHs :shrug: Sorry inlaws thats just the way the cookie crumbles when its not your daughter.
     
  7. Beccagal

    Beccagal Well-Known Member

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    Wow, your Oh's thought process is all wrong and needs you to break it down for him so he can hopefully understand. Yes, you should be able to have your mom with you when you’re going though such a hard/painful time. It has ABSOULTLY NOTHING to do with anyone else including his parents. So he should NOT take it personal which seems to be the BIG problem. Majority of times, girls need there Moms and that is a natural response that is in us from birth.

    It’s not a bunch of children fighting over who gets to play with the toy first.
    There is plenty of Baby to go around and I bet his parents are mature enough not to get upset if they don’t hold the baby first.

    Good luck explaining :dohh:
     
  8. NuKe

    NuKe mummy to 2 gorgeous girls

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    just tell him NO. it's up to you. :hugs:
     
  9. shazland

    shazland Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your comments guys. She just cries and pulls on my OH's heart strings all the time and it pisses me off. He's felt responsible for her since her husband walked out years ago and has this "me and Mum against the world" attitude. I would have thought me marrying him and having his child might have loosened the apron strings slightly but it hasn't seemed to.x
     
  10. Sherileigh

    Sherileigh Well-Known Member

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    I think it's up to you to decide who you want there. It's your birth, OH doesn't even have to take off an item of clothing or go through a minute of pain, so it's not his call. I want my mom there with us and if his mom is hurt by this then she needs to grow the hell up!
    With DS my stupid MIL just showed up uninvited and grabbed my son before my mom I was so pissed off! Still am! Lol.
    Stand your ground Hun!
     
  11. NuKe

    NuKe mummy to 2 gorgeous girls

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    I'm sorry but tough shit! I agree with Blah, when it's not your daughter that's just the way it is!
     
  12. booboomagoo

    booboomagoo Well-Known Member

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    Whichever mom gets to the hospital first will be the first to meet my little guy. My MIL is very cool and respectful of boundaries, so I don't mind if she's there soon after he's born. Hopefully, my mom will be able to fly out and be with me for the labour, so she'll probably meet him first, but I don't think my MIL will mind. I mean, she gets to live in the same city as him, and she got to be there for the 20 week anomaly scan. It all balances out in the end.
     
  13. shazland

    shazland Well-Known Member

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    If I had a great relationship with her I might feel differently. We get on on a level, and I like her most of the time I just don't understand some of her ways. Sometimes she is quite unkind about people. A friend of my sisters had a baby last year and she said it was ugly and weird looking! I thought that was just a hideous thing to say and would hate for her to see me in a vulnerable state only to go off and gossip about what the baby looks like etc.x
     
  14. luvmyfam

    luvmyfam Well-Known Member

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    You have to talk to him about this being YOUR labor/delivery. It's not him going through it. If you want your mom to be there then she will be there! My MIL will be at the hospital when LO is born, but completely understand boundries and that I don't want her in the delivery room. Your MIL would probably understand too if you want your Mom to be there :)
     
  15. Belle25

    Belle25 Guest

    I think your OH is totally over-thinking the situation, to even have thought of this.

    Your going to have gone through labour, its not a party exactly.

    You will feel tired and want to pick who you have around you. Its not selfish, its you who is going through the birth.

    This is one you decide on, don't be pushed into anything your not comfortable with.
    xx

    xx
     
  16. gills8752

    gills8752 Mum of 2 Girl

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    I hate the whole who gets to see baby first malarky. In my case, no one gets to see baby in hospital. No one is visiting in hospital except my husband (who'll obviously be there for the birth) and my daughter.

    My mum lives 700 miles away so wont see baby till she comes up a few weeks after she's born and my MIL will probably see her a few days after - up to a week after most likely when I can be bothered to leave the house to take baby to her. My FIL won't see baby for a good few weeks/month either as he works 500 miles away.

    The very very last thing I want is tons of family turning up to see a tiny, scared baby and getting man handled by everyone and their dog when that first week is such a precious time for baby getting to know Mummy and Daddy (and siblings)
    Even if any family get to see my baby in the first week, they won't be holding her, I'll be spending majority of the time naked to the waist breastfeeding and doing skin to skin so family can bugger off! :haha:

    You need to do what you want to do. You will never get back that first week of life with your baby and you must be happy with the choices you've made.
     
  17. charlie1510

    charlie1510 Well-Known Member

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    I'm having a c-section on Wednesday and I've banned everyone from the hospital until Thursday. I've told both sets of grandparents-to-be when the visiting hours are, along with the friends that I don't mind visiting the hospital. As far as I'm concerned they can fight it out amongst themselves!
     
  18. JackiePed

    JackiePed Guest

    There's alot of stress spent over the whole 'visiting after baby is born' thing... it's a shame. It should be simpler.
    Yes, I think your OH is being unreasonable to set such a rule. My mom did make a weird comment like that a few months ago, about how "It's REALLY important" to her to be there first.... and I just ignored it. I'm not going to pick and choose who is first, etc...

    I honestly just deal with visitors as they come. I really don't care when they come, as long as nobody tries to butt in during the delivery...which nobody ever has.
    I know that the visitor stage will be short-lived, and I don't have any visitors that will actually expect me to wait on them, so I just let them figure it out. It passes quickly, and LO sleeps for most of it.
     
  19. princess_bump

    princess_bump Happy Wife & Mumma!

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    i honestly don't think it matters who sees baby first!! your mum is there to support you, i found i needed my mum there first time round, she was their much more so to support my and hubby than for our daughter tbh! of course she loved seeing baby and they have a great relationship, but it doesn't matter who see's baby first! i think you OH needs to realise you might need your mum after pregnancy and labour!!

    what i find really harsh is his attitude on his family visiting! i think i'd go made if my husband told me i have 2 days to sort myself out and be ready for visitors!!!!

    i'd talk to him more, explain to him that you just don't no how you'll feel after baby is born, and that you need his support, rather than dictating terms :hugs:
     
  20. Sealgirl

    Sealgirl Well-Known Member

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    Uh no, I think your OH is being unreasonable too I'm afraid and tbh I can't believe he even said it out loud even if that is what he secretly wanted.

    When I'm not well, I always want my mum. So secretly I'm thinking I don't want OH's mum coming anywhere near me, until I've had a cuddle from my mum after the birth. I know its childish, but I'll be going through the trauma of giving birth. And even though I think I would have a right to say this out loud, I'm choosing not to, trying to tell myself that while my mum is my mum, she is only the granny to the baby, same as OH's mum and they both have a right to see the baby as soon as they want.

    Although if they outstay their welcome they will both be told to go (although prob in my head, I'll be saying, no actually just you go MIL!!!!) xxx
     

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