11yr old worried as I'm expecting

[Apple Blossom]

Hi, i wonder if anyone has been in the same position and can offer some help. Me and DH have been trying for a baby for about 7yrs and just found out after IVF no.3 that we was successful this time, only thing is when I told my 11yr old son he wasn't too happy.

I have sat down and asked him what his concerns are and they seem to be his stuff and that he is worried that a baby will ruin his things. I think he is also worried about the amount of time he will get to spend with me. He has also been worried about me dying during child birth. I have tried to reassure him as much as I can but I'm really worried as I just want him to be happy.

Any advice welcome

 

[seoj]

First- Big CONGRATS! That is amazing!!!

Of course your son has worries- all kids do when another LO comes along and takes some of the "spotlight" away from them. Our oldest was 14 when her little sister was born. She adores her- but for sure it was hard when people would visit and want to see and hold the baby- and paid less attention to her. She wasn't the "baby" anymore. We just always kept a very honest and open line of communication- and we encouraged her to express he things she's LOVE about being a big sis. So we'd allow her to express her concerns and validate her feelings were normal- but mostly focus on the positives. Like having a little brother or sister to look up to them- how they can teach them things, and when older have a sibling to do things with and how they'd always have eachother etc...

Things will change- and your son will struggle to adjust a bit. But in time, you'll find your rythm and all will be Ok. Promise!!!!

Sidenote- one thing we did for our oldest was to make a book with stories and pictures ALL about her. Her Dad and I both wrote down some of our favorite memories or silly stories about her- and added pictures... and gave that to her right before LO was born. I just always reminded her that she'd always be my "first" daughter (even though she's not biologically mine- I've been her full time parent since I met her Dad when she was barely 9yrs).... We also make time for just us girls or just time for her and Dad when we can. We are all busy- she's 16 now! But it's still important. Although I'm sure a given in any family

 

[Apple Blossom]

Thank you so much Seoj what you have said is very reassuring and has helped me alot. I feel very guilty just of late and unable to enjoy the moment because I'm so worried about my son.

I love the idea of the book of memories what a lovely thing to do and very special. We like your family are very close and try as hard as we can to have good quality time together and i think that is key and we are always very open and honest.

He doesn't wish to talk too much about it at the moment but it is very early days so when we breach the subject again I will discuss with him the positives about the change in our family so he won't focus on the negatives so much.

How did your family treat your step daughter after the little one was born? my DH is my son's step dad and has been in his life since he was 3yrs old and I'm slightly concerned about his family treating my DH biological child different. We have already discussed the issue with my mother in-law and she has stressed that she will not treat them any different, but she can sometimes do things without thinking about it.

Thanks again for your reply it has been and will be most helpful

 

[seoj]

I would try not to worry too much hun- you should also focus on the joys of pregnancy, not what may (or may not) happen after LO arrives. Your son, although will take somet time to adjust- will do well overall I'm sure.

My SD really wanted a sibling- although she'd gone back and forth over the years (lol)- but I know she had concerns too. And honestly, I don't think my family treated her any different. Although my Mom did have her first 2 grandbabies in the same year- my niece (brothers daughter) is 7mos older than my daughter. So I'm sure her focus was somewhat more so on the babies-- again, they were her first. And- being diagnosed with cancer 2mos after my LO arrived- she certainly wanted as much time with them as she could get. But my Mom was still close to my SD- as she was her first grand child really- no others to speak of before I married my hubby and got my SD. So she used to do things with her- take her boating and do clay and art and water color-- honestly, and I'll try not to cry here- LOL-- but my SD got to experience and know my Mom better than my LO ever did. Because she was 9yrs and around my Mom and family for years before my Mom passed-- and my LO was so small still. sorry for the tangent... what I'm trying to say, is that biology doesn't need to exist to create love and experience. If that makes any sense after my rambling...

My other family members, although engrossed with a new LO (like most were- hubbies included)- still treat my SD same as before. If you have concerns with that- it certainly can't hurt to talk to OH about it... families will always be complex though

I was lucky my SD was very open and honest with me- I'm sure in part just because of who she is, but being a girl, maybe too? Your son might be a bit hesitent now- but he'll come around hun. It's all very exciting and new... and I'm sure all will be great!

 

[Apple Blossom]

Firstly so sorry for the loss of your Mom that must of been so hard. What you have said has helped me so much and I can't thank you enough you are so right that I shouldn't worry or focus on the bad things that maybe but the good that will be and this in turn will help my son.

We are very close my son and I and he knows that he can talk to me about anything and to be honest he is so helpful already with things to do with me and the baby that I really can see this continuing.

You sound like you have a lovely family and thank you for sharing your experience with me

 

[tina3747]

My son was 11 when we dropped the bombshell we were expecting again! A little different as we only planned him as an only child which contrary to what people thought , he loved bring the only one!
Anyway, he cried when we told him. Cried pretty much all day... Wed ruined his life, the baby will ruin all his things, it would get his nerves if it cried... How on earth could he do his homework with a baby crawling over his books!! We reassured him nothing would change but for the better, he'd be the one the baby looked up to, probably love him more than us, he'd still have the same life as before. We actually let him choose the name ( with a little guidance!) which was fun as we would come up Eith stupid stuff ect . LO is 2 now... Unfortunatly he does ruin all his stuff, gets on his nerves, nicks his food and generally is a pain in the arse to his big bro but I know he'd never change him for the world! The bond they have is amazing, he's the only one that can have him in fits of laughter.. He'll giggle a bit for us but we have to work for it! He's in histerics playing together... Melts my heart!!

 

[Apple Blossom]

Tina, thank you that is lovely and just what I needed to hear. My son knew we was trying so he kind of had the upper hand that it would happen for us at some point and his reaction reflected this. I just know that he will be fine and that he will love his Brother/Sister but as you say I'm sure they will get on his nerves also.

 

[xHaylesx]

Hi apple blossom,

Hope all is going well, my sons were 12 and 8 when we announced we were expecting baby number 3 and my 12 year old wasn't too impressed, 8 year old was totally over the moon. His reaction was "you are joking!" said in a sarcastic way , he too was worried about his "life" his football, cricket, x box etc etc ....

fast forward to now and DS (Mac) is 9 months tomorrow and i honestly can't imagine life without him. My 12 year old adores him, is always picking him up, playing with his toys, making him laugh. We still manage to do everything we did before (sports clubs) We always watch movies and have sit down meals after Mac goes to bed.

Things will turn out totally fine xx

 

[Apple Blossom]

Thank you Hayles I think what you just described is exactly what will happen to us. We had to tell him the news yesterday that not only are we having a baby but we are expecting Twins he was even less impressed at the thought of there being two. He has started to say my brother or sister it's usually followed by is not touching my Kindle or Xbox but I think that's a step in the right direction that he acknowledged them.

I'm pleased things worked out ok for you I'm confident we will be as DS is a sensitive boy and we are involving him all the time.

Thanks again x x x

 

[tina3747]

Thank you Hayles I think what you just described is exactly what will happen to us. We had to tell him the news yesterday that not only are we having a baby but we are expecting Twins he was even less impressed at the thought of there being two. He has started to say my brother or sister it's usually followed by is not touching my Kindle or Xbox but I think that's a step in the right direction that he acknowledged them.

I'm pleased things worked out ok for you I'm confident we will be as DS is a sensitive boy and we are involving him all the time.

Thanks again x x x

Wowzers.... 2 blueberries!!! Congratulations!!

 

[xHaylesx]

awwwwwwwwwww wowwwwwwwwwwwwww twins...massive congrats xxxxxxxxx

 

[Apple Blossom]

Thanks ladies, double the trouble though according to ds