# New baby, loss and grief question



## Hopefulagain

Hello, I am posting my question on this forum in hopes that someone could give me their perspective on the issue of having a new baby after a loss. Last month my husband and I loss our baby girl, Zoi Emerson, at 21 weeks gestation. For some reason, that is unknown to the doctors, I began having contractions and as a result went into preterm labor. We have a 7 yr. old little girl and were all really looking forward to welcoming Zoi into our family for all the reasons that a new baby brings. 
Because my past medical history was uneventful (before now) and because I am 36, we have been encouraged to try again right away for another baby. I still very much would like to have a baby and a sibling for my child, but there is fear and to some degree guilt that we would be replacing Zoi somehow. 
In my grief process, I realize that I am grieving many different aspects of my loss. Not only am I grieving the loss of my actual baby but also the idea of having a baby at all, a second child, a sibling for Elise and all of the experiences that we planned in our heads that will not happen. It was our assumption that Zoi would be the child who would fullfil all of that, but God has acted, and that is not to be. My question is...did a new baby fill any of these voids for anyone? I will forever miss Zoi for the individual that she is until I meet her again in Heaven, but does having another baby help at all in healing those other areas of loss?


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## Chatterwockin

I can only tell you of my experience of course. but I had my baby frazer in 2005 he was born sleeping at 36+6 weeks... I couldn't be a mummy with no baby... it was destroying me inside so we got pregnant as soon as I stopped bleeding... and in July 2006 had my little boy Alexander. I was still grief stricken and I still am now. but my arms were full of love and joy xxx I am so sorry you lost your baby xx wish no one would ever know that pain!


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## Lottelotte

I don't know the answer to that yet, but for me i found out i was expecting again on the 31st dec, less than 3 months after losing Rory. I have had feeling initially of just wanting Rory and feeling quite ambivilant to the new baby, to now of warming to my new baby and guilt for feeling that i am leaving Rory behind. It is really hard. And it is still very early days for me. 

I know that the first baby i lost, i didn't fall pregnant for 9 -10 months and emotional i didn't feel the guilt i feel now. 

But i do know, that i want to be a mummy more than anyhing and would have done anyhing to be pregnant again. My losses have just strengthened that.

Hope that helps. Also Sorry for your loss of Zoi.

Xx


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## Chatterwockin

that guilt will be there forever... every time you are proud and every Christmas every time you are happy grief will kick you.


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## kiki04

I dont know.... it has been almost 2 years since my loss and I still am not pg again :(


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## Riliye

My story is not quite the same as my loss was quite early on, but I do know that having Riley has eased that pain somewhat. The guilt and sadness remain, and I will always wonder about Little Baby Guthrie, but if nothing else getting pregnant again told me that I was not "broken", that it wasn't anything that I had done wrong or hadn't done right -- it simply wasn't my or LBG's time. 

I will always mourn LBG as the individual he was (I was always convinced it was a boy, a big brother to smile down on his little sister now), and Riley could never and was never meant to replace him. Losing him has made me appreciate her so very much, more than I ever expected. It made pregnancy a nightmare, true, but also made me so, so grateful for the good times. 

This is what I have found in carrying to term after loss.


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## Andypanda6570

I lost my Ava at 22 weeks, I gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3-11-2011. I already had 3 boys 21, 19, and 12. Ava was my surprise baby, I was 40 when I conceived and would have been 41 if she lived . For me now at age 42, 43 in June, I would tell you to please please try again. I can't cause I will be 43 soon and I feel it is to late for me, I will never have my rainbow and that hurts more than anyone will ever know. You are 36 and if I was your age I would have tried again in a heartbeat. You will always miss Zoi that will never ever change but I think having a rainbow helps so much on the journey of healing. Almost all the wonderful friends I have met have their rainbows and I know it has helped them, healed them fully no but has helped so so much. I am not saying to have another baby just to heal yourself, it is just so beautiful to be able to go on in a little way and I feel a rainbow represents you going on and having another blessing not only for you , but for Zoi also :hugs: I wish to God I could do this for me and Ava and I know people say your not old and this and that but I am old 42 will bring some problems my eggs are not young and for me I can't not go through another loss, it is just a chance i will not take, if it happened again it might literally kill me . You do what you feel is best, I wish all the very best . I am so sorry for your loss of Zoi.. XOXOOXOXOOX Andrea :hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

kiki04 said:


> I dont know.... it has been almost 2 years since my loss and I still am not pg again :(

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Love you, Krissy XOOOOOXOooooooXOOXOXO


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## kiki04

Love you too Andrea!! xoxox Always :hugs:


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## brittbray04

I lost my twins. They were born at 24 weeks on October 20, 2010. They were given the chance to thrive outside of my womb in the NICU... unfortunately due to the complications they had in the womb and the complications they started to have from being 16 weeks premature, neither of them lived... Today, I have a 5 week old baby girl.... And to be honest, she has helped the healing process. She filled the hole in my heart. I will always be heartbroken from the loss of my sweet boys and I will ALWAYS miss them and think about them EVERYDAY but if I would have never had my daughter, I may have never moved forward in my life. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you do have another baby one day.


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## mhazzab

Im so sorry for your loss of sweet Zoi. :hugs:

I had my twin girls in June 2011 at 23 weeks...I had an overwhelming urge to be pregnant again within days. I felt terrible guilt for this and at that point I think what I actually wanted was to be pregnant again *with them*.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to get pregnant fairly quickly after 3 months, and almost exactly a year later my daughter was born. I couldn't live my life without raising children and the urge to be a mum with a baby was stronger than any fear of what might happen or guilt over being pregnant again and somehow replacing them. 

18 months on now, I am still devastated at losing my babies, sometimes I look at my 6 month old and think there should be another there, wonder what they would have been like. I still cry for them and miss them like I can't even describe, but for me, having my rainbow baby helped. It doesn't heal all wounds but it certainly provides a good distraction and its nice to have something to smile about. I just wish I could have all three of them to cuddle
Xx


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## Mbrennan

I feel like I have the exact same story. I just lost my son at 21 weeks and am struggling with how to make since of it to my 6 yr old stepdaughter. I feel lost too.


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## Hopefulagain

Mbrennan said:


> I feel like I have the exact same story. I just lost my son at 21 weeks and am struggling with how to make since of it to my 6 yr old stepdaughter. I feel lost too.

Mbrennan,
I am very sorry for the lost of your sweet baby boy (I read your previous post). Our stories are basically the same. We have explained to our daughter that Zoi was born too early and she was not able to live because she was not ready yet. We had her cremated and held a small memeorial service by the lake for her. I think Elise understands, as a 7 year old can, but more so I think that she is really struggling with disappointment right now. We really hyped up the whole "You're going to be a big sister" thing and now she's not and it sucks and that part she gets. I feel like life for us is unfinished, like we are somehow suspended in time. We were thinking that we were gong to be having our second and last child and now here we are 6 months later still a single child family, no baby on the way but have baby gear what is now the "spare bedroom"....I'm confused...what now?:shrug:


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## Moti

I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet Zoi...:hugs:

Like you, I was 36 when we lost our son. Our doctor was encouraging about trying to get pregnant again. I personally had an overwhelming desire to myself. It was what I wanted, what I needed....I just had to be pregnant again. My OH was in agreement....he wanted to have what was ripped away from him in his words.

So we tried, and 2 months after our son was born I was pregnant with our rainbow. She is just a special little girl, our miracle. She is the reason why I'm here, why I get up each and every day. I still have an aching hole in my heart for my son...I don't know if that will ever go away, but now I have purpose and a reason to be here, a reason to keep moving forward.

I wish you and your family the best....:flower:


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## OliveBay

Hopefulagain, so sorry for your loss.

After I lost my little boy, my first child, at 22 weeks I was absolutely desperate to get pregnant again as soon as possible and was lucky enough to get a bfp by his due date just under 3 months later. This really helped ease the pain of the due date passing, but the whole pregnancy was emotionally quite difficult even though I really enjoyed being pregnant. I always had that feeling of "what if something happens again?"

Now our little rainbow girl is here and is now almost 4 months old. I still think about our boy every day and feel sad, especially at time like Christmas, the anniversary of when I had him or the anniversary of his due date. I think the fact that out rainbow is a girl has made it easier for me to move on and not to see her as a replacement baby, as that was something I was worried about before she came along.

I now feel almost fully healed mentally and like the devastation that happened when we lost our little boy happened decades ago or to someone else, if that makes sense. The grieving process has been very long and painful, but human nature is a wonderfully resilient thing and I have faith that one way or another most people eventually find their way back to happiness even after the most horrific experiences.

I wish you lots of strength at this difficult time and many positive thoughts for a happier future :hugs:


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## HBelcher33

Im sorry for your loss. I just lost my baby at 15w4d a week ago monday. My heart is broken. I have 5 other kids but it doesn't make it any easier. Im not sure if i will try for another. We weren't sure we wanted a 6th but when i got pg with this baby i was ecstatic! And now i want him/her back. I am emotionally not ready to try for awhile. If at all. I thought holding my youngest (he's 10 1/2 months) would help and it does sometimes, but being so fresh i still cry every day. Dh mentioned trying again when we can. I think he's just thinking of me. He thinks it will help. But im not so sure. And i am so scared something would happen again. I have had 4 other losses. But they were earlier.

Im so sorry anyone has to go through the loss. At any stage. My kids are sad. They ask if i can have another. They are young.

I hope to find strength to heal, for them and for myself. And then if its meant for another in the future we shall see. I def don't know that it will help me feel better. It always seem to in the past, but with a 4 month pregnancy loss its a lot harder for me.


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## avapopsmum

I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby girl Zoi. I also felt I had to try again straight away after losing my son at 21 weeks and was lucky that I fell pregnant with my rainbow just 8 weeks after my angel was born. One of the main reasons was that I was desperate to give my dd a little brother or sister as she had been so excited when I fell pregnant with Thomas. My rainbow isn't due until May but I do feel guilty sometimes that my poor angel baby seems to have been forgotten by everyone apart from me and OH just because I'm pregnant again. I'm having another boy and we've decided his middle name will be Thomas after his big brother so that his memory will live on.


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## Hopefulagain

avapopsmum,
Thanks so much for your response you brought up some very good points that I had not at all previously considered, mainly the idea of other people forgetting your angel because of the new baby. I also really like the middle name idea! Congratulations on your new baby and I wish you the best in the future.


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## Hopefulagain

HBelcher,
I am extremely sorry for your loss. It seems almost unbearable to me that this continues to happen and it breaks my heart everytime that I hear of another loss. We have decided to not actively try but not to prevent either (it's very stressful for us). I pray that we will have another and soon, but I also hope to be emotionally healed enough to enjoy the experience.


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## avapopsmum

Thank you hun I wish you all the best for the future too and hope you don't wait too long for your rainbow baby if you decide to start ttc again. I thought I would never get over losing Thomas and although I'm still incredibly sad about what happened and miss him every day the pain does get easier. Sending you lots of love xx


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## Mahoghani

I lost my little boy in September and we still haven't started trying again. I'm trying to lose weight and my OB suggested, since I am only 29, that we wait a few months. I think I'm waiting too, for his due date to pass. I feel almost like getting pregnant before he'd have been born is like forgetting him, rolling over his memory maybe. In honesty I wanted to get pregnant again immediately. I am still a little sad because it seems like everyone who lost a baby around when I did is pregnant again and looking to the future. But, I keep reminding myself that I didn't make this decision lightly and my time will come. In the mean time I'm trying to get myself healthy, both physically and mentally. And putting my memory box for Silver together one small piece at a time. On his birthday, or what would have been his birthday, we plan to name a star after him and buy our son a telescope so that he can see his brother's star in the sky. That helps for now.
And if I do get pregnant again, I think I'll feel like Silver is watching over him or her. Still part of our lives in some small way.


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## Hopefulagain

I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet little baby, Silver. To be honest, I think that I'm going to feel a bit guilty for getting pregnant again regardless of when it happens for us, simply because there is a since of moving on. To add to it all, we only wanted two kids and assumed that Zoi would be our last. It _is_ only because she did not survive that we are open to having another because we do want a sibling for our oldest daughter. Guilt is a strange thing...we will make it up even when illogical. In a way I feel that is replacing her. I'll feel bad for her for being "replaced" and bad for the new baby for being the "replacement". So I am choosing to not look at it from that perspective. If God chooses to sent us another baby, that as a total blessing. Maybe this child, the one that we would have never thought to have because three kids was never an option for us, is the one that God planned for us to raise and Zoi, was always His to raise. 
As far as other people being pregnant, I completely understand that too. My due date is not until the end of April and I feel myself getting antsy to be pregnant again. When I feel that way I immediately remind myself that it has only been 8 weeks since I gave birth to Zoi...my time too will come. I decided that the best way for me to deal with it is to secretly, in my head because if I have learned anything from this horrible experience its that I control nothing, come up with a date that I would not be okay being pregnant before. Since I'm a teacher, I came up with a general summer vacation deadline. Now, if I see or hear of other people being pregnant I just remind myself that I would not want to be pregnant right now anyway so there is no need to feel sorry for myself.


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## Mahoghani

We talked originally about starting to try on Silver's would have been due date... When we were trying to conceieve him I never bothered with ovulation charts and all that stuff. I didn't want trying to get pregnant to be an ordeal. Just let it happen if it was going to happen. But tonight, out of curiousity and the need to be doing SOMETHING, started one online and found out, interestingly enough, that I should be ovulating on Silver's due date. I feel sort of like maybe that is a sign? Perhaps that's hopeful thinking... Going to talk to my husband about it this weekend. :)


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## majored

Hi im very sorry for your loss. Its a very hard thing to come to terms with and most never get over it.
I lost Samuel when I was nearly 19 weeks. I was shocked to be pregnant in the first place as the doctors informed my OH that we would need IVF to have a child. Then I had a few problems during the pregnancy but they didn't cause me to loose him. The cord had got tangled around his neck and for a long time I blamed myself for this. I classed myself as old and overweight. After loosing him I was concerned that this would of been the only chance of us having a baby. At first I wanted to try straight away but I was told to give it at least 3 months before we did. Well 3 months after I started having stomach problems which they believe is IBS due to the stress of all of this. So to me I knew if I had tried again I would be worrying even more about everything to do with the pregnancy and in turn causing more stomach problems. 

Fast forward to now, well im 40 in August...still over weight....still worrying.... still having stomach problems. I would say if it feels right for you and you have the chance to try again go for it. By time I get myself sorted it will be too late for me. Having another child would not replace Samuel nothing would replace him but I do have a hole and I have the feeling that something is missing from my life and I think about all the things I would be doing now if I had him. 

Talking and asking questions on here can help a lot, at the end of the day we can all help each other and give each other support. 

All the best xx


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## essie0828

I think having Hayley helped me to heal. I was broken to the point that I wasn't functioning. Getting pregnant with her MADE me take care of myself and her. I had to eat for her, I had to sleep for her, had to get up outta bed and go to the doctor for her. And when she finally made it here, healthy, I finally felt love and warmth again. My heart was still broke but not destroyed. I'm thankful every min I get to spend with her. :hugs:


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