# Pregnant, leaving my baby daddy & husband of 9 years *LONG*



## Proserpina

(UPDATE 12-11-2013: I asked for a divorce.)

-----------------------------

My husband and I married young. I was 21 and he was 22. He's always been a little on the immature and naïve side when it's come to adult matters, and when we were young, I think I just assumed he would grow out of that. 

He didn't. Over the years he has proven time and time again that he simply does not "get" adult matters, especially when they pertain to finances. Every 3-6 months, he does something financially that gives me a huge headache that I have to fix. For example, last year he spent our rent money on a $400 work expense and didn't tell me about it. I learned of it a few days later when I was looking in my online account and saw that there wasn't enough money to cover the rent check I had just written. He also signed up for weight training lessons, telling me that they would cost about $200. I told him we couldn't afford it and to get that money back. A few weeks later, when I was cleaning out the car (and he still hadn't gotten the money back yet), I found his weight training contract. It was $204 *a MONTH* for 4 months for a total of $816! "About $200" my ass! I wound up having to put a stop on the payments and do a chargeback on the initial charge of $204 because the gym was refusing to give the money back at that point. 

As irksome as all of this was, like I said, it usually only happened every 3-6 months. It was a headache and I would fix it and that was that. 

Until this year. I conceived on or around December 28, 2012, and almost immediately after I got pregnant, DH went off the deep end with the irresponsibility. He began making absolutely terrible money at work, less than minimum wage (his loser boss pays him on commission when he shouldn't---that's a whole other story), and he's gone 6 days a week using our only car to work an awful 12 - 9 PM shift. In March he brought home two absolutely terrible paychecks amounting to $6-$7 an hour in wages for the time he put in, and I told him enough was enough and he needed to look for a different job, but he refuses. He loaned his loser boss $200 in January so that loser boss could go on a date (!) and hasn't been repaid yet; he refused to even ask him for it until I said I was leaving. A martial arts studio that he had taken a few lessons at began fraudulently debiting our account in December, and he hasn't gotten all of that money back yet, but is adamant that I not file a chargeback against them. 

But the biggest problem has been a woman whom I'll call Bimberly.* Bimberly moved to Illinois from Utah quite recently, and for reasons I cannot fathom, Bimberly put in an application at DH's place of employment and got hired. The problem: Bimberly lives 20 miles away from her job and does not have transportation to work. She has no plans for getting a car anytime soon. Instead of letting Bimberly reconcile this problem on her own, DH leaped in on a white horse and said, "I'll drive you to and from work! Every! Single! Day! And you don't even have to pay for your gas or tolls, I'll do it for free!" Lucky, lucky Bimberly.

DH did not consult me on any of this. He just said, "Oh, there's a co-worker who needs rides, I'm going to help her out." He didn't say, "This co-worker lives 20 miles away and it's going to cost us $11 a day in gas and tolls every day that we do this and I'll be gone an extra 2 hours a day on top of my already horrible work schedule, is that okay with you?" He just started doing it, and I watched in shock and horror as our gas evaporated and the odometer on our car skyrocketed. There were some half-fulfilled promises for Bimberly to at least begin paying for her gas and tolls (never mind the wear-and-tear on our car), but that ended quickly. 

I tried to intervene. I sat DH down and showed him how much extra mileage this is putting on our car (which currently sits at 109K miles and required several thousand in repairs last year). I showed him the astronomical costs of all this. I explained to him that there is no way we can sustain this level of spending, not even with help from SSI (our daughter is disabled) and tax refunds and student loans. I eventually put my foot down and told him that the rides needed to stop. I pointed out that we are moving this summer and we need to save for a deposit and first month's rent payment on a new apartment. 

He refuses to stop. He also refuses to look for another job, and lately he has been staying out every weekend until 3 AM or 6 AM with Bimberly and his boss and his other irresponsible single co-workers (I'm sure his coterie of freeloaders are a lot more fun than a pregnant wife and disabled daughter). And while there are things I could do to be subversive and make him stop, I'm done. If he won't listen to reason, maybe he'll listen to the embarrassment and hardship of declined debit cards, apartment applications, etc. 

So two weeks ago, we went to our bank and took his name off the account, and I gave him his half of the account, minus what his freeloading friends owe him. I'm looking for work. I have a bachelor's degree and (almost) a master's degree, although not in horribly marketable fields, but I believe I will be able to find something. My daughter's SSI is still mine and he has agreed to pay child support, so I'm not entirely without income, but I can't survive on this forever. I have a way to get my own car just as soon as I get a job. We're still living together until the lease on this apartment ends on July 31st, with each of us being responsible for half of the rent. Once we are out into our own apartments, I will file for full legal separation. 

It has already begun. His half of the account should have been more than enough to last the past two weeks, but he is completely out of money now and has been trying to pinch gas and food from me---I guess the poor baby spent too much money on Bimberly's birthday two weekends ago. I've made it clear to him that so long as he continues Bimberly's rides and refuses to reclaim the loans from his other freeloading buddies, he'll get not a dime from me. 

I don't believe that my marriage is over. We're not really fighting at all and at times are still very affectionate to one another, though I've stopped sleeping with him. I consider this to be a call for him to repent. He needs to be putting his family first, spending as much time as possible with us, and saving up for our needs (apartment deposit and first month's rent, new baby stuff, a second car, etc.). NOT Bimberly's needs, not the needs and wants of his freeloading boss and other co-workers, not anyone else. I have days where I feel angry and sad, but mostly I just feel determined. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2vNuaBQNKE

-------

* Name changed to protect the guilty, but Bimberly is a real Utah baby name, so I think it's fitting.


----------



## Dream.dream

Good for you for standing up for yourself and your daughter .


----------



## Sweetkat

Oh dear, he sounds so immature. You are not his mum and you should not be responsible for organising his finances... In hope he wakes up, smells the coffee and becomes more responsible!


----------



## Parkep

Wow... I am so sorry you are going thru this. You and your children deserve way better than what he has given you. The whole situation with Bimberly does not sound good either. 
I hope he grows up and gets counclimg and you can be a family Hun. But I think you are taking the right steps for you and your little ones. 
Can you not stay with some family?


----------



## Dezireey

Good lord. I just can't believe this man. He is treating you like his mother that gives him pocket money not a partner. I think you are doing the right thing and in all honesty, reading your post, I think your life and the lives of your children would be better off without this man permanently in it. I hate to say it but do you think he is having an affair with this 'Bimberly'? What the hell is he giving her free rides for? And spending that amount of time with her?

Cut him dead sweetie. No matter now much he begs. This guy has to learn the hard way that what he is doing is off the charts unacceptable. I couldn't cope with someone like this, kudos to you for being so mature about it all. I probably would have burnt all his credit cards and sold all his stuff to pay debts.


Big hugs xx


----------



## Proserpina

Parkep said:


> Can you not stay with some family?

They live in Washington state and I live in Illinois. They were pretty much begging me to come home as soon as this happened, but honestly, they all have full-time jobs, and even when I lived close to them, they hardly ever gave me any help with watching our daughter for me. FOB may be completely unable to provide, but even if we are separated, he will come over to my apartment in the mornings to put DD on the bus and get baby off to daycare while I go to work since his shift doesn't start till noon, so I'd rather stick close to him. Dropping a baby off at 11 AM is going to be cheaper than dropping him/her off at 6:30-7 AM. 



Dezireey said:


> I hate to say it but do you think he is having an affair with this 'Bimberly'? What the hell is he giving her free rides for? And spending that amount of time with her?

I haven't ruled out an affair, but I don't think it's happened yet. I think he's infatuated though, that it's probably an "emotional affair" at this point, which is why he's reluctant to let it go. 

His behavior lately has just been really scrubby. On Sunday I gave him my cashback-on-groceries credit card and asked him to pick up 5 very small, cheap items from the store while he was out. He came home with two bottles of sparkling juices claiming they were for me. Oh, you bought me treats with my money... how chivalrous of you!

Should have listened to TLC in high school:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5Thn61Cczg

He doesn't have any credit cards, and his credit is bad. Mine wasn't great years ago (I made a lot of bad choices while my mother was dying of cancer), but has steadily been on the mend. He's going to have a hell of a time getting into an apartment on his crappy salary with bad credit, and he knows perfectly well that we've had a hard time getting into apartments in the past because of our credit, but when I explain these things to him, he just doesn't seem to care.


----------



## Dezireey

Best thing for both of you is to let this man fend for himself. 

I am sure he will start appreciating what he has and what you have done for him. If he doesn't, well then he deserves whatever fate awaits him. Some harsh life lessons are needed for this man ( or boy? He behaves like a hormonal teenager)


----------



## daneuse27

I'm very sorry you're going through this. What a horrible situation. I definitely think he's deeply infatuated with this 'Bimberly' and he's letting it hurt his marriage and his family. My mom had a lot of these problems with my Dad that intensified as he grew older.


----------



## Yipee

Gosh, that sounds awful. Unfortunately, it seems like if he hasn't changed in all these years, it seems unlikely he will now, at least not in any kind of permanent way. Hope it all turns out well for you!


----------



## Proserpina

I invited DH on a little movie night last night. I got a movie from Netflix I thought we would both like (_Children of Men_), popped popcorn, had DD in bed and asleep, sodas and movie candy ready, etc. Sweet and simple. It went okay, but he made one comment that upset me. He said, "next time you want to schedule a date, schedule it on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday, because Bimberly and I are rehearsing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights." 

Shame on me. How dare I try to cut into one of Bimberly's nights to have a little time with my husband! What was I thinking? 

I am so done. If he has any desire to save this marriage, it's going to have to come from him, because obviously I just can't compete with his overweight freeloading dance partner.


----------



## daneuse27

Omg. That is just awful :hugs: I'm so sorry. I can't believe him. What a complete asshole. You go out of your way to suggest something nice for quality time and he tells you it should be scheduled around his time with some other woman? I have no words. You deserve WAY better than that and I'm so glad you realize it!


----------



## weebubba

Only you can decide what's best for you. It sounds to me like you are already a strong independent woman, you don't need to carry this man anymore. It takes two to make a relationship work and he isn't helping. You and your children deserve to come first and not second to free loading Bimberley! What kind of woman is she anyway to encourage a man to be away from his family?! 

It sounds as though you are doing a fab job as it is. Grab yourself some happiness even if it means going it alone. Maybe the reality of it all will hit him like a tonne of bricks and he may even grow a pair! Good luck for now and your new future whatever it may bring.


----------



## megsw1994

Cannot believe this! :hugs: .. You seem determined and strong enough to 'call it a day' with him, you deserve so much better!! Xx


----------



## creatingpeace

Wow douche central! Where do I apply to be Bimberley, like seriously???? How can both of them be so disrespecful. Hang in there. I advise you not to put any effort into anything at all with him. Sadly I do not think you can base any plans around him in the furture to depend on "daycare drop offs". He cannot be relied on.


----------



## Dezireey

Leave him to Bimboerly.

She will end up having to finance his life in the end as the novelty will soon wear off when she realises he is broke and had to rely on his wife for his cash. He's just not worth it Hun. Not after saying that to you, the tool.


----------



## nicki01

What a moron! You seem a strong headed lady and will so just fine without him! Go be happy and leave him to this free loader!


----------



## Proserpina

I don't think I've mentioned this in the thread before, but hubby is Mormon. If you do not know a lot about Mormons, they have something called a "temple recommend." You can apply for a temple recommend sometime around age 18-19 if you are getting married or going on a mission; otherwise, I think there's a minimum age requirement (21 or 25 or something). Having a temple recommend allows you to enter Mormon temples and observe Mormon weddings, as non-Mormons and Mormons without temple recommends are not allowed to go to temple weddings. Having a temple recommend basically means you are an adult member in good standing and grants you the privilege of being able to enter a Mormon temple. You have to be attending your meetings, not drinking alcohol or coffee, paying 10% of your income to the church, and doing other things if you want to hold a TR. 

Anyways, as someone who served a Mormon mission, DH first got a temple recommend when he was 18-19. The church first took it away from him 8.5 years ago (when he was 23) when he suddenly and from out of nowhere tried to divorce me. He did not bother to get it back until 2009, when he was 28. Though I am not Mormon, I have always encouraged him to participate in his church activities and hold a temple recommend. 

DH's temple recommend expired over two years ago, and he did not attempt to get it renewed. This had nothing to do with me. He seemed disinterested in maintaining regular church attendance, and my encouragement wasn't moving him, so I didn't bother. 

So, DH's sister is getting married in the Atlanta, GA temple on June 1st. Without a temple recommend, DH will be the only adult member of his family stuck standing outside the temple with the rest of us heathen, unable to see his sister's wedding. Even though he has spent the last two years periodically sleeping through meetings, wearing jeans and t-shirts to church, and often times skipping church altogether, I noticed these past two weeks that DH was putting on a suit and tie and actually going to his meetings. Sure enough, he mentions today that he has a meeting with his bishop and stake president after church to try and get a temple recommend. 

Guess what? They wouldn't give it to him. They want to talk to _me_ first. I couldn't be more pleased. I am seriously, seriously happy with the Mormon church today. I will be meeting with his bishop (and maybe his stake president?) next Sunday. 

I am going to do everything in my power to see to it that they do not give him a temple recommend so long as he is giving Bimberly rides. I am going to tell them that I believe he is having an emotional affair with her, that he has been seriously neglectful of his family responsibilities almost since the first day that he began hanging out with her, that he has been going out and partying with her until 3AM-6AM so that she could drink her face off and he could be her designated sober driver (Bimberly is also Mormon, so they are probably not going to like hearing that he is helping a fellow member of the church break the rules), and that he has basically forced me into letting him give her rides that I don't want him giving out and waste money that I don't want him wasting (Mormons would call that "unrighteous dominion" and it's a big no-no for the husband to do that to his wife). 

I believe that the other problems in our marriage could probably be reconciled _IF_ we could just get rid of Bimberly, but Bimberly is an impasse. She has to go. I'm hoping that pressure from his church leaders and the potential embarrassment of not being able to see his little sister's wedding will help.

Pretty darned happy today. Reckoning is coming.


----------



## daneuse27

I think what concerns me is that I don't see Bimberly as being the cause of the problem in your marriage; the underlying cause is your husband's priorities. If she were to drop off the face of the earth tomorrow, it wouldn't change him one bit. She may be gone but some other pretty thing may come around another time and you may feel jealous, paranoid or just plain worried that he would start treating you like this again. Her leaving wouldn't change how he's treated you this whole time and it wouldn't solve the problems of him being disrespectful, irresponsible and probably unfaithful.

I have a hard time believing that nothing physical has happened between them. I guess I've seen, heard and even been in too many situations where there drinking and chemistry usually lead to something. But I dont want to speculate.

Your husband doesn't deserve this TR so I think you're right to tell them the truth! It may embarrass, humiliate him and may motivate him to change his ways. However..I guess the thing that would bother me is that even if he does shape up because of that, Id have a hard time believing that he did it for me :(


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> I have a hard time believing that nothing physical has happened between them. I guess I've seen, heard and even been in too many situations where there drinking and chemistry usually lead to something. But I dont want to speculate.

Maybe this was wrong of me, but I stole his phone and checked his texts. I'm satisfied that it isn't physical. It could become physical, as they're obviously buds, but I don't think it's there yet. 

I do agree that there are underlying problems and that Bimberly is more of a symptom than a cause, which is why I've never tried to contact her directly (which a few friends have suggested). At the same time, we've been married almost 10 years without anything like this happening. Bimberly is the result of a perfect storm of circumstances that are unlikely to repeat anytime soon: they're both Mormon, they both dance, she's needy and stupid, he may be regressing to an irresponsible singlehood status over anxiety about another child that he does not feel he can care for, etc. That doesn't mean the underlying cause shouldn't be addressed, but get rid of Bimberly and maybe I can find time to work on the problem. 

I've been reading on how different couples navigate shared finances and I have some ideas on how we can reconcile my other issues with his financial irresponsibility. But it's all moot if I can't get rid of Bimberly. So I really hope his leaders take my side and pressure him to drop her. 

In the meantime, I am still preparing to legally separate from him and live without him. I want to save my marriage if I can, but I sure as hell do not need him. He has work to do if he wants to be a part of my life, and I will make him do it before I even consider taking him back.


----------



## daneuse27

Good attitude! I think he definitely has some redeeming to do if he wants to forgive how he's treated you and resume a marriage with him.

I'm glad you're satisfied there's nothing physical between them. I believe "the wife always knows" and obviously you know him best. Stealing the phone is a good reassurance too. He just has a strong lust for her I guess, and as you said, his life pressures are probably pushing him closer to what he finds comfort and fun in. I'll bet he feels like his old self when he's around her and can forget about his problems. I just wish he would think about how this is making you feel and where his actions are taking him. Does he realize how serious you are about planning for separation?

Also surely he must know that the bishop wants to have a word with you? If so, Id be surprised if he didn't assume that you probably wouldn't have good things to say.

I hope that the added pressure from the church causes him to drop her like you said. I just hope his biggest reason for dropping her is to be true to you more than anything else.


----------



## kassiaethne

Hope that meeting with the bishop went well


----------



## Seren0613

9 years of more than I would have put up with. I think you're better off without your man-child.


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> I'm glad you're satisfied there's nothing physical between them. I believe "the wife always knows" and obviously you know him best.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. It's probably hard for outsiders to understand, but the "Mormon" part of him is pretty ingrained in him (even if he sometimes does a terrible job living it), and a physical affair would get him excommunicated for sure. If his lover is Mormon, she'd be ex'ed, too. That's not a complete failsafe against it, but it does make it less likely. 



daneuse27 said:

> Stealing the phone is a good reassurance too.

Yeah. I don't like prying into his private stuff, but the texts between him and this woman were all about work or general friendship banter. One was probably a little on the flirtatious side, but clearly about their dance routine. 

The texts still made me roll my eyes because she kept talking about how "blessed" she is that he's helping her out and giving her all these rides. She has no idea that he's giving her all this attention and personal focus at my expense. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that he hasn't told her anything about what their friendship has done to his marriage. 



daneuse27 said:

> Does he realize how serious you are about planning for separation?

DH is very slow to take anything seriously, I'm afraid. We are living together until the contract on this apartment is up on July 31st, and pragmatically, his life hasn't changed very much so far. It could take some time living in separate residences before things really start to sink in. 



daneuse27 said:

> Also surely he must know that the bishop wants to have a word with you? If so, Id be surprised if he didn't assume that you probably wouldn't have good things to say.

He does! Both the bishop and the SP told him directly that they would need to talk to me before they could consider giving him a recommend. I made a sneak appointment to see the bishop several weeks ago and went and told him everything DH was doing without DH knowing. I think DH knows that I will make his relationship with Bimberly an issue. But it's the only hope he has of not being stuck outside the temple at his sister's wedding, so he's taking it. 



kassiaethne said:


> Hope that meeting with the bishop went well

I'm not meeting with the bishop until Sunday, May 19th. I hope it goes well, too. My big fear is that they'll wind up granting him a TR over my objections, which would seriously make me lose respect for the local leaders. But I think that is unlikely to happen. 



Seren0613 said:


> 9 years of more than I would have put up with. I think you're better off without your man-child.

I understand. I think I did not realize he was a "man-child" when I married him because he was only 22. We were both immature in a lot of ways and I assumed we'd grow out of it together. 

That said, he has a lot of redeeming qualities. They just really haven't been on display lately. Example: Way back in the day, I lived in a college apartment with five other women, and I broke up with him. A few days later, flowers arrived for every woman in the apartment. Six sets of flowers, no sender. We estimated that we were looking at (cheapest guess) $120-$200 in flowers. Several of the women were dating their future husbands, and the men all denied being the sender. I didn't think DH was the sender because, hello, I'd just dumped him, and he did a good job of acting surprised when he saw the flowers in the apartment. 

I didn't learn that he was the sender of the flowers until months later, when we had gotten back together and were engaged. I was shocked. I knew that DH did not have a lot of money and spending that much on flowers must have been a huge sacrifice for him. He said he'd wanted to send me flowers, but didn't want me to know they were from him, so he sent them to the whole apartment so that we'd be unable to narrow down the field of men who knew us and may have done it. 

And I guess I feel like that's what's missing from our relationship. Sacrifice. He used to be the kind of guy who would do anything for me. Now he's the kind of guy who won't do a thing for me no matter how much I ask nicely, cry, beg, plead, or yell. 

If he could find the man who cared enough about me to spend so much on flowers, maybe there could be hope for us.


----------



## daneuse27

Your last post reminded me of the saying "sometimes what draws you to someone is the reason you choose not to be with them."

How old is Bimberly? I find it hard to imagine that in all the time they've hung out, he hasn't once mentioned that him and his wife have been fighting. And I believe most logical people would realize that excessive time spent with a member of the opposite sex when your marriage is already on the rocks = trouble. When I was young and niave (about 20-21 years old) a married man (late 20s) befriended me. We had a lot in common, and I felt attracted to him and guessed he did to me too, but genuinely did not think anything would happen because of his wedding ring. We hung out outside of work too, which I saw nothing wrong with because its not like anything was going on. Well, I was proven wrong when he shoved his tongue in my mouth one day.
That married man is a different breed from your husband; your husband almost certainty feels attracted to Bimberly, but hes not the sort that would cheat for the thrill and fun of it like the man I knew was. Bimberly however, has to be extremely niave to think that their friendship is all well and good and there's no way "X's (insert your DH's name) wife" has any issue at all with all the time they spend together. She must also be aware that your DH is attracted to her, and she might like the attention. She's his escape from his troubled world of problems and he's putting her on a pedestal. Shes probably having as much fun with all this as he is. Again I'm speculating here, but unless she's very young or niave, I can't imagine her having no idea at all how inappropriate they are being.

That being said, I have a little bit of crazy in me, so in your shoes I'd probably be going right after Bimberly and giving her an earful of what I had to say, most of which wouldn't be nice things. But that wouldn't help really.This is all about your DH after all, not the girl. It would be better if your husband made the decision to drop her because he wanted to put YOU first; there wouldn't be nearly as much satisfaction in her making the decision to end things with him. That would not restore your trust in him and ultimately thats what needs to happen for your marriage to be saved.


----------



## Proserpina

*daneuse27* ~ Bimberly just turned 24. I'm 31; DH turns 32 in early June. 

This may come off as arrogant, but I think she's got absolutely nothing on me looks-wise. I'm 6'0" tall and have always had a very slender physique; I bounced back from one childbirth very well and I'm still very slender for 4.7 months pregnant. I started dying my hair red last year and it looks fantastic on me. I described Bimberly as "overweight" in an earlier post, but that's probably not fair to her. She's just on the plump side, which has never been DH's body type. I think she has some of the worst hair I've ever seen. It's very short and black/dark brown with the ends dyed a horrible golden-yellow blond, obviously done at home. Every time I see a picture of her or the few times I've seen her in person, I think, "Pepé Le Pew called and he wants his look back." If he goes for her, he's definitely doing what us religious types call trading a noble birthright for a mess of pottage (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mess_of_pottage). 

I'm not worried that he's going after her because she's younger and hotter. She's younger, yes, but not hotter. I worry that they've developed a bond because they're both Mormon and they both dance, which are two things that have never been true of me. I've taken a few dance classes, and I enjoy dancing with him when we get the chance, but it's hard for a tall woman to look good dancing. 

DH's last dance partner was 19 years old and definitely a 10, and I never had any problem with her.



danuese27 said:

> Again I'm speculating here, but unless she's very young or niave, I can't imagine her having no idea at all how inappropriate they are being.

I think it's possible that DH has assured her that I have no problem whatsoever with the rides and I'm totally cool with all of this. He's lied to me before, so why wouldn't he lie to her? 

Their texts to one another said absolutely nothing about our marital problems. Nothing about me at all.

I know that the best thing would be for my husband to drop her because he wants to put me first, but at this point I'll take whatever pressure I can get. And if he won't do the right thing, seeing him have to go through the embarrassment of not seeing his sister's wedding is a small consolation prize. His parents are devout Mormons, the sort who will be *REALLY* upset with him if he misses his sister's wedding due to not having a TR.


----------



## daneuse27

Given that he's lied to you and has proven to be dishonest, is it possible he's deleted the texts that he didnt want you to see? He may have suspected you'd look at his phone and only left the innocent ones on there..:shrug:


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> Given that he's lied to you and has proven to be dishonest, is it possible he's deleted the texts that he didnt want you to see? He may have suspected you'd look at his phone and only left the innocent ones on there..:shrug:

Doubtful. He's really not that clever nor devious. 

After a lot of thinking today, I have decided that I am going to send Bimberly a message on Facebook letting her know that I'm uncomfortable with her friendship with my husband. I'm not going to accuse her of anything, just let her know that I'm not comfortable with her spending 6 hours every week alone in the car with my husband, that we can't afford the rides, that he was never up front with me about the cost or time commitment, and that when I told him to stop, he refused. 

I'm hoping it will make her uncomfortable and get her to stop on her own. And if she refuses, I can tell DH's church leaders that she's aware that I'm not comfortable with her spending all that time alone with my husband, yet she won't stop. It's possible they'll tell her church leaders to have a talk with her. 

I know that DH and I would still have a world of problems to work out even if I get rid of her, but it's a start.


----------



## daneuse27

I think you're doing the right thing. In her shoes, I would definitely reassess my friendship with the man in question. if she doesnt, thatll tell both you ad the bishop something.

I was thinking today that if your DH truly has lead Bimberly to believe that you are totally ok with everything and there is no issue at all, then she can't be blamed for any of this. This whole mess is most likely 100% your DH's fault.

By having a woman to woman talk with her, hopefully she can see how untruthful your dh is and realize their friendship isnt healthy.

Let us know how it goes! good luck :flower:

PS. read a bit on your blog, seems very interesting, ill probably follow :)


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> This whole mess is most likely 100% your DH's fault.

The more I think about it, the more I think that is the case, especially since their texts said nothing about tensions in our marriage. I mean, sure, she's a little on the dumb side for applying for a job that she didn't have transportation to. But I probably shouldn't be faulting her for jumping all over someone's generous offer to drive her. 



daneuse27 said:

> Let us know how it goes! good luck :flower:

Thanks! 



daneuse27 said:

> PS. read a bit on your blog, seems very interesting, ill probably follow :)

Thanks again! I haven't updated it a ton since the separation started, but I think I will go back to it soon. Got my 21-week U/S this morning, so there will definitely be an update for that.


----------



## creatingpeace

I find just your writing in this post to be soooooooo good. I didn't know you had a blog, going for a read now :) 

Truth is...she is a single woman, your hubs is completely the one at fault. HAte to say that but he is the one with the responsibilty not her.


----------



## Proserpina

Thanks for the compliment!



creatingpeace said:


> Truth is...she is a single woman, your hubs is completely the one at fault. HAte to say that but he is the one with the responsibilty not her.

Completely agree. That's why I've been trying to move myself away from the mindset of blaming her.


----------



## lilmrspanda

Wow What an Ass :dohh: I found that tough love always works best when it came down to my partner and It worked well Hope you both can work things out 

Last October 2012 I had issues With my partner hanging out with a lady Friend Also way to much than Needed and the Best way to Solve it is Nip it in the bud as soon as it starts We had Week break After he had a Huge tantrum As i told him I did not like the situation that was going On and Its Ether the person you claim you Love,who you claim to want a future with and has always been there for you when needed and never asked of you for anything than this or some Girl you have meet less than 8 weeks ago Who Seems very interested in taking my Spot for less than a week to get back at her ex and you Really Want to Chuck us away over that..?..He claimed He only saw her as a Friend but Meh but claimed that the next day after He walked out on Me.. that maybe I was right and She looks at him more than a Friend and that He did not want anyone but me but I kept away from him for a Week must of took him about 2 to 3 months to trust him again fully I always Felt like Something Went on or was going to Happen I know my Bloke Like the back of my hand to know when Something " Seems Off " Due to him getting Really Upset "crying and Feeling guilty over something or a other" After that Week apart HE kind of knew that I was not messing Around And ever Since he has Cleaned up his Act Stopped Adding Random People He don't know on Fb and Looking for a better Job and Has been Completely in my good books and Gotten Keen on our Relationship to working out and Keeps Bringing up getting Married and t.t.c I think US girls are Way more mature than Men and Sometimes they just Don't get Why we get Fed up with situations they Seem to Event all by them self :growlmad:


----------



## Proserpina

*lilmrspanda* ~ Yeah, things definitely feel "off" where this woman is concerned. He's been irresponsible and negligent before, but never to this extent. 

I'm really not a prude about him having female friends. Like I said, his last dance partner was 19 years old and definitely a "10," and I never took issue with her. But he wasn't giving her hundreds of dollars in free rides, trying to bring her on dates with us, partying with her on weekends until 6 AM, etc. This has definitely not been typical of him and he needs to stop if he has any hope of saving this marriage. 

I'm hoping she is a naïve party in all this and that writing to her directly will send her running in the other direction. We'd still have plenty in our marriage to fix, but if she's out of the picture, there might be hope.


----------



## daneuse27

Have you contacted her on facebook yet?


----------



## lilmrspanda

I Gotten Myself Into a Situation that Was Very awkward 3 Years back when My Ex Convinced me that He and his fiance Had Split up and was only Living together Until he was able to get his own place and that they was trying to keep things Normal For there then 16 month Old Girl..the situation turned Really Messy By his Lies and I ended up being Stuck with him a Year and Feeling very sorry For the Little Girl Who I ended up Looking after Pretty much that Hole year that He really did not want Nothing to do with So it is possible that she is Just being Naive on How it is effecting you and your family..as a hole John on the other hand is a hole other Kettle of Fish He is Kind Of a loner So whenever He makes friends He kind of Clings on for them for Dear Life But I can also Relate to that as i was Like that growing up But he can't tell the difference between those who Use him and those Who are Real Friends..Like the once there was this guy he Meet on a course and According to this guy He had Lots of Neat gadgets and all this neat Stuff yet John was buying His Lunch for him as he Had no money.. :dohh: And He was going on about this Guy the one day on a bus ride home and I was Like A i ant surprised he ant turned round yet and Said He own Some Fancy Gun That Just Happens He is able to get Hold of and Johns Face told it all and the penny dropped.. that he was a complete Bullshitter and was using him.. This Girl Lets Call Her H.. was hanging Round him All the time Texting Demanding him to come on the course they was on always asking what he was upto /doing and was always on his tail if I he was not on time and Was hanging out with him away from the rest of the group.. I told Him How it was Like in my last message Has a huge fall out over it as I felt she was over stepping the Line of a Friend and was stepping on my toes..Her face Fell to the Floor When I went to help out on open Day She did not Speak a word to him at one point she Tried to Stand next to him when we was talking to the other group and i Stood in front of Stating My place Well and truly After the course Finished I sent her a Nice Little message Stating that Hanging around My Bloke like fly round Shit ant going to get anywhere and to basically Leave us Alone and Let us get on with things as up until She Starting Buzzing around him we had no issues So Maybe Sending Her a message Mite Open her Eyes up on What is Actually going on Maybe She Has no IDea that its Effecting you as a Family.


----------



## Dezireey

I don't want this to come across wrong Proseprina and I understand peoples relationships are different and different things are accepted. 

In my experience and learning of other experiences, once you are married and that ring is on your finger, the only type of 'friends' of the opposite sex you should theoretically have are those that are at arms length. i.e female wives of friends, work colleagues _only_ seen at work, social friends _only_ seen at those social functions or pastimes (if he dances and has partners, he should only be seeing these partners at the dance studio and practising at home in front of you, period)

I believe that no matter how innocent things may seem or how people become friends, men are wired differently and when they start spending a lot of time with another woman whilst married, it corrodes the marriage on a deeper level.

Their wife should be their only female best friend, the one woman they spend time with at home and out of the home. 

I think it is a recipe for disaster when any partner has a special friend of the opposite sex that they spend 'alone time' with away from the marital home. The other thing that makes my blood boil, is that more often than not, they are probably talking about the wife and kids aswell as job/ general topics. It would make me so angry knowing my husband was possibly even sitting in a car for five minutes offloading his problems onto the shoulder of another female.

Just my opinion, not meant to offend. I know you are being patient with him.....just ten times more patient than I would be about this other woman interfering with my marriage (and she is interfering by simply agreeing to spend all this time with another womans husband)


----------



## megsw1994

Ive been stalking this thread, i think you should definitley contact bimberly so she knows the situation and that its putting stress on your marriage, if shes any type of decent woman she'l step back then hopefully you could try resolve your marriage issues.
You may think because she isnt better looking than you he wouldnt cheat but my ex slept with my friend who was also my neighbour and she was ugly, horrible figure, always had greasy hair and he still did it, i didnt suspect a thing i even saw messages she sent him but thought nothing of it cos she was so bad, i know they say the wife always knows but i didnt suspect a thing she was still coming round my house every now and then even though she had f*cked my boyfriend, just keep an open mind as i wish i had suspected it because when i found out i felt stupid and hurt atleast if you dont completely rule it out you wont just have pure shock/disgust hit you.
I hope everything works out for you and completely agree you should tell church about bimberly, would love to know where i can read your thread as ive been stalking this thread quite abit lol!xx


----------



## Proserpina

I'm going to send her the message tomorrow morning after husband has gone to work. Reason being: (1) she works MWF, so she'll have a day to process what I wrote and think about it before seeing husband again, and (2) if she gets upset and tells husband that I contacted her, I don't want to have to face him for as long as possible. 

I figure the worst she can do is blow me off, and if she does that, I tell the church leaders on Sunday morning that she is aware of how I feel about them spending all this time together, but won't stay away. 

I am totally ready to do it though. Wish me luck!


----------



## Yipee

megsw1994 said:


> Ive been stalking this thread, i think you should definitley contact bimberly so she knows the situation and that its putting stress on your marriage, if shes any type of decent woman she'l step back then hopefully you could try resolve your marriage issues.
> You may think because she isnt better looking than you he wouldnt cheat but my ex slept with my friend who was also my neighbour and she was ugly, horrible figure, always had greasy hair and he still did it, i didnt suspect a thing i even saw messages she sent him but thought nothing of it cos she was so bad, i know they say the wife always knows but i didnt suspect a thing she was still coming round my house every now and then even though she had f*cked my boyfriend, just keep an open mind as i wish i had suspected it because when i found out i felt stupid and hurt atleast if you dont completely rule it out you wont just have pure shock/disgust hit you.
> I hope everything works out for you and completely agree you should tell church about bimberly, would love to know where i can read your thread as ive been stalking this thread quite abit lol!xx

Yup, I had a boyfriend that cheated with someone way less good-looking than I was. I think it had more to do with her making him feel good about himself, which I wasn't doing anymore. Mainly because I knew him well and was beginning to think he was an idiot.


----------



## Proserpina

I'm not ruling out him cheating with her just because she's a "5." Emotional connections can be strong. There have been guys in my life who never would have turned my head had we passed on the street, but once I got to know them, I thought, "Yeah, I could have seen myself dating this person had we met under other circumstances." (Unlike DH though, I always laid down silent boundaries with my platonic male friends and never crossed them.) 

I'm confident it's not physical as of yet. I'm worried it could move in that direction if this proceeds.


----------



## Proserpina

Bombs away. I just sent the Facebook message to Bimberly. 

Will post any updates here.


----------



## daneuse27

High five ! :happydance: I hope you receive a helpful and positive response soon.


----------



## Proserpina

She replied back with a brief note thanking me for contacting her on this matter and saying she will get back to me tonight. Perfectly polite.

So, we'll wait and see.


----------



## daneuse27

Oh, the suspense..

Its awkward now that facebook informs you that the message has been read. She wanted you to know she wasnt ignoring you which is, I agree, very polite.


----------



## Parkep

That was very polite of her.. And it doesn't leave you wondering when she will reply


----------



## creatingpeace

Oh I am very curious!!! Kudos to ou also for doing this!


----------



## Proserpina

So, here is your update: 

(1) Bimberly is a complete class act. I totally misjudged her. She was worried that these rides would cause problems from the start, but DH reassured her that I was cool with it and there was no problem. 

(2) She thought it was a really bad idea for him to be out all night partying with them without his wife and tried to discourage him. 

(3) She claims she's been paying for the rides every paycheck. This is the only part of the story that I think is "bull." But whatever.

(4) She is going to stop accepting rides from him and break up their dance partnership. 

I did tell her that if she needed a few weeks to make other arrangements, either with transportation or looking for a new job, that would be fine with me. I also told her that if she can find her own transportation and DH stops partying on weekends, I won't object to them being dance partners. But I do want the rides to stop. 

I told her that I had said some very cross things about her elsewhere, and even though she had never heard them, I apologized. So, "Bimberly," on the off-chance you ever find this thread and realize who I am and that I was talking about you: I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting down your weight, your hair, and giving you a derisive name. Obviously I should have talked to you sooner. Please forgive me.

Doesn't mean my marriage is saved, but maybe once she's out of the picture, DH and I can begin to work on things. We'll see. 

Next up will be the meeting with his church leaders on Sunday.


----------



## creatingpeace

Good for you that is progress. Good luck on Sunday.

Cheers Bimberly you aren't such a home wrecker after all.


----------



## daneuse27

Wow! If this is all true, she is a very classy woman. Your DH is a big liar though; thats a red flag that I think you should definitely look into. Do you feel you can trust him from now on?


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> Do you feel you can trust him from now on?

Nope. Trust is something we would have to rebuild. 

But it's not hopeless.

PS -- If she actually stops taking rides from DH, I think I will freakin' show up on her apartment door with some delicious baked goods, to say "thank you."


----------



## daneuse27

How did the meeting with the bishop go? Have things improved since you wrote to Bimberly? I hope so :flower:


----------



## Proserpina

I have many updates to post since writing to Bimberly and talking with the bishop, but have been so busy finishing my semester (wrote 20.5 typed, double-spaced pages in the past three days! And still have an 8-10 page paper to write). Will try to get to updating this thread in the next day or so.


----------



## daneuse27

Look forward to hearing how things are going! Good luck on all the school work.


----------



## Proserpina

So much has happened in the past 1.5 weeks... where to begin? 

I last posted here sometime in the day on Friday, May 17th. Late that night, DH called me and said we needed to talk when he got home, and it was really important, and it didn't matter how tired I was, it really needed to happen that night. Of course, I couldn't sleep after that anyways, waiting for him to get home. 

When he came home (long story short), he gave me the most round-about "this is going to end in divorce" speech I've ever heard. Plenty of clichés present such as "we're just too different from one another now." He said he couldn't stop feeling "betrayed" by the fact that I had asked for a separation, even though he acknowledged that I had really good reasons for it. He expressed interest in starting at square one with dating me and trying to get to know me again, and I said "Screw that. We've been married almost ten years and I'm carrying your second child. I'm not going to pretend that we don't have a history when we do." Our separation and near-divorce from years ago was one of the most traumatic experiences of my adult life (he had left me suddenly and without any attempt at reconciliation), and I hated that he was moving towards forcing me to relive it. I realize that I'm the one who asked for a separation, but I did so with constructive goals in mind. I said, "This is what is wrong with our marriage, and this is how you can fix it." In contrast, he was insisting that the situation was beyond repair---same as he had 8 years prior. 

He also pissed me off because he insisted that touching, snuggling, hugging me felt "unnatural" and "wrong," and that is why he has been voluntarily sleeping on the couch. Yeah, funny how he never has anything to say about how "unnatural" and "wrong" it feels when he's hard as a rock and desperate for sex! Men! I swear.

Saturday, May 18th was just horrible for me. I spent most of the day sobbing in various places around the house. Of course, DD noticed and asked what's wrong, and I couldn't help it, I just blurted out, "What's wrong is that your daddy doesn't love me anymore." I felt awful for saying anything about it in front of her, but I just couldn't hide it anymore. 

That night I was sleeping in bed when he came home around midnight and woke me up. He tossed our separation agreement on the bed and said that he wanted to tear it up and work things out with me. Then he launched into how sorry he was for the way he had been treating me, how it was true that he had gone about Bimberly's rides all wrong the entire way, how he should have listened to me when I said how much the partying hurt me, how he hadn't meant to be so negligent of his family, that he wanted us both to be able to talk about our problems and find constructive solutions to them, and so on. He was more humble and apologetic and engaged to all of the things I have been saying than I have seen him in years. He was like a completely different man from the man I had spoken to on Friday night. 

The one thing he said that pissed me off was that he claimed he hadn't been serious about the divorce-speech on Friday night, that he'd only wanted me to think divorce was imminent because it was the only way I would listen to him. I just don't have words for what kind of manipulative bull**** that is if true. But we'll come back to that in a second. 

Let's get back to Bimberly. So, on Friday morning, May 17th, Bimberly texted him and said that she would no longer be needing rides from him, and that she needed to cancel their dance rehearsal that night. She did not say why, but he knew something was up. On Saturday afternoon, May 18th, she sent him a very lengthy text explaining to him that she has been talking with his wife and it sounds like their friendship has been coming between his marriage, so she felt like they need to put their friendship and dance partnership on hold for the time being so that he can work on "what's really important." So, there's the reason for DH's about-face. Bimberly now has her own car (she got it last week sometime), so the rides will never be an issue again. 

On Sunday morning, I went to church with DH to talk to his church leaders. I said he had talked to me last night and seemed to be repenting of his behavior. His bishop asked if I would support him in getting a temple recommend, and I said yes. Beyond that, who the Mormon church wants to let into its temples is really none of my business. His bishop signed off on the recommend, leaving him with needing a signature from his stake president (more on this in a minute). 

DH asked me to talk to Bimberly for him since she pretty much won't talk to him, and I did. I let her know that I was feeling better about the state of our marriage and I appreciated everything that she had done for me. I made her a peanut butter and jelly pie (I make damn good pies) and dropped it off where she works on Monday, May 20th. But that's it. I get the impression that DH would like it if I talked to her more and pushed her harder to forgive him, but I won't. That's between him and her. She feels that he lied to her and manipulated her (guess what? he did!) and she won't forgive that easily. 

This past week we have done a lot of talking about finances, jobs, goals, and our other issues in our marriage. DH has been very apologetic throughout. I still have a lot of concerns and a lot of things are making me feel very wary, but I'm trying. 

Last night he called me up sounding really despondent and saying Bimberly is right, he was lying to and manipulating both of us and he deserves everything that's happened to him and has only himself to blame and it doesn't sound like she'll ever forgive him. He claims he was planning on reconciling with me for a long time, but just hadn't done it yet, and it's his fault for waiting so long. I asked him why he's even bothering trying to get a temple recommend, because one of the questions on the temple recommend interview is, "Are you honest in your dealings with others?" I asked him how he answered that question when he was asked by his bishop, and he admitted that he said "yes." But now he says, "You're right, I haven't been honest with the people who matter most to me, and I really don't deserve one." I don't think he's going to bother trying to get a hold of the Stake President before we leave for the wedding on Friday. 

Anyways, that's where we're at now.


----------



## LastBabyforMe

I hope the best for you and your marriage. I am praying that his self reflection and renewal will continue and make your union stronger than ever.

Selah


----------



## creatingpeace

How are you feeling about things right now?


----------



## mara16jade

Just wanted to see how you were doing. I came across your thread somehow and noticed you hadn't posted in here for a little while. Hope you all are doing ok. :hugs:


----------



## daneuse27

I second that.

For some reason, after reading your post, all I could think about was your peanut butter and jam pie. :haha: 

In all seriousness - it sounds like there's been a lot of improvement. Im glad your husband is now seeing where he went wrong. I hope hes stops his teenagish ways and treats you like a queen from now on. :flower:


----------



## Proserpina

So, here's an update: I birthed a healthy, 9 lb 5 oz (posterior!) son on September 29, 2013, and on October 29, 2013, I gave my husband a letter asking for a divorce. It's been 6 weeks and my feelings haven't changed in the slightest. I want a divorce. 

My husband continued to neglect me for the remainder of my pregnancy. He never helped with the housework. We moved in July and he was horrible about helping with the move. As the summer waned, so did his commissions at work. By September 13, his paycheck was for $349 net for a two-week pay period. Two weeks of going in to work early, staying late, working 6 days a week, and completely neglecting his 9-months pregnant wife and disabled daughter had gotten him a measly $349. We spent more than that on after-school daycare for our daughter + gas for him to go to work, so we actually *LOST* money on him working those two weeks. 

On September 12, 2013, we needed to pay the daycare bill and I had just gotten paid, so I gave my husband my debit card and asked him to pay it. The next day I looked at my account and saw charges I didn't recognize, but no charges for the daycare. I texted him to ask if he'd made expenses for work. His response (verbatim): "Wouldn't you like to know." He later tried to lie to me and say his boss had already paid him back (he hadn't), and he told me he had paid the daycare bill out of funds from his own account (he hadn't). I got a collections notice from the daycare 9 weeks later. I was due on September 20th, working full-time past my due date to try and save some money for our children, and my husband was stealing money from my account to loan to his loser boss and lying to me about it, acting like I was his personal work horse and he could do whatever the hell he pleased with the money I earned. In the weeks that followed, I realized that if he treated me that way when I was 9 months pregnant with his child, things were never going to get better. 

I was also not able to get over whatever the hell he had with Bimberly. I was not able to get over the fact that when I gave him an ultimatum, and told him that it was either her or his family, he chose her. I wasn't able to get over the fact that he was more devoted and attentive to her needs than he was to the needs of his pregnant wife. It may have only been an emotional affair, but it destroyed our marriage as surely as the regular kind. 

Finally, looking back, I'm angry that he claimed "betrayal" when I had asked for the separation and made me feel guilty for asking for it. I'm angry that he claimed he was only threatening divorce to manipulate me into listening to him, saying that I wouldn't have listened otherwise. He's so full of crap. His behavior has been borderline emotionally abusive and I'm sick of it. 

I just want to thank everyone in this forum for being so incredibly warm, encouraging, and supportive. I know I write novellas on this stuff. Thanks for reading and thanks for being there for me.


----------



## Ceejay123

.


----------



## creatingpeace

Sounds like you have made a very wise decision! Good for you...


----------



## daneuse27

First off, congratulations on your little boy! I remember you talking about a Dulah in your blog. Did she end up being very helpful through things? And how is the little man doing? :)

With regards to your ex, I have no doubt that you made the right decision! I think his priorities were elsewhere and he wasn't committed to his family. Lying is such a huge red flag, especially since it was about money. Im glad you got out; even if things seem incredibly hard now, they will fall into place :hugs:


----------



## Proserpina

daneuse27 said:


> First off, congratulations on your little boy! I remember you talking about a Dulah in your blog. Did she end up being very helpful through things? And how is the little man doing? :)
> 
> With regards to your ex, I have no doubt that you made the right decision! I think his priorities were elsewhere and he wasn't committed to his family. Lying is such a huge red flag, especially since it was about money. Im glad you got out; even if things seem incredibly hard now, they will fall into place :hugs:

My doula was nothing short of amazing. I know I would have caved and asked for an epidural had she not been there to help me work through the pain (not meant to judge women who get epidurals, btw; I just hated having one with my first). I found out later on that they had called for the c-section team to get ready because he was having decels into the 70s and they suspected a compound presentation (hand or arm coming out with the head) was keeping him from getting out. They didn't know he was posterior until he was out. Who knows if I even would have had a vaginal delivery without her.


----------



## babycrazy1706

Good on you! Well done! Xx


----------



## Aimee4311

I've just read through your thread. Congratulations on your son! 

Sorry your ex-OH is/was such an ass. It seems like he had a few moments if clarity when he was remorseful of his actions. Too bad that didn't stick! :nope:


----------



## Proserpina

Aimee4311 said:


> I've just read through your thread. Congratulations on your son!
> 
> Sorry your ex-OH is/was such an ass. It seems like he had a few moments if clarity when he was remorseful of his actions. Too bad that didn't stick! :nope:

I think he might be a sociopath. Whatever the case, I'm done.


----------

