# Should I find out? What's best?



## Scarlett2

I have two boys. With my first I desperately wanted a boy, I was one of four girls and the only grandchild (my sister's child) was also a girl. I wanted it for my father, who had never had a boy, for my husband, who really wanted a boy, and I suppose for myself because for some reason I thought it would feel more special. (No judgements please!) We didn't find out, I wish in retrospect that I had, I found it quite stressful not knowing and worrying about how I would feel if he had turned out to be a girl. 

With my second I desperately wanted a girl. We found out because I felt that if I found out I could get over the gender disappointment before the birth. And I did. I cried on the way home from the scan but got over it and by the time I gave birth it really wasn't an issue. I ought to add that we didn't tell anyone else (actually I think I told one friend who was in exactly the same situation and was also having a second boy, which really helped) and I was fully prepared for the comments post birth as well as preparing myself. BUT part of 'getting over it' (sorry, there doesn't seem a better way to express that) was feeling that I could always try again. We had always said that having three was an option. Four isn't. 

So now I am pregnant with number three. I really really thought I wasn't bothered and I don't think I am as bothered as hubbie is. But as time goes on I am feeling the same stress and anxiety as with number one because the reality is that I am worried about spending my life without a daughter. But this is definitely it. 

I don't know whether to find out and try to get over it, although I won't have the same fallback of 'we can try again' or whether to hold out for the birth and then when it turns out it's another boy I should, hopefully, love it regardless. I just don't know. I'm 28 weeks now.


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## CJHanson

I would find out. Do you have a "feeling"? I KNEW this one was a girl. We have 2 boys so o was a little nervous when I asked what it was but I was so sure she was going to be a girl..... And she is! But if you do have another boy that's ok, too! Boys are just as special and amazing! But I think you definitely should find out. I think it would just be better for you all around to know.


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## Scarlett2

CJHanson said:


> I would find out. Do you have a "feeling"? I KNEW this one was a girl. We have 2 boys so o was a little nervous when I asked what it was but I was so sure she was going to be a girl..... And she is! But if you do have another boy that's ok, too! Boys are just as special and amazing! But I think you definitely should find out. I think it would just be better for you all around to know.

I know this sounds weird but I really don't have a feeling at all. I had a strong feeling with my second that I was having a girl, and I wasn't. In my head I tend to presume that I'm having a girl and refer to the baby as she, but I've been wrong before. 

Thanks so much for responding. It's actually just helpful to feel that someone is sharing the burden!


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## CJHanson

My mom died when my youngest son was 2 weeks old. I didn't really feel The need to have a girl before then. After she passed I wanted a daughter to share the kind of relationship I had with my mom. I'm definitely very happy she's a girl. Before we got pregnant 3 was our definite limit.... Now my husband says maybe one more. But the thought of not having a girl was really hard..... But I love my boys so much! And I feel like if she had been another boy I would be just as thankful. But who knows &#55357;&#56898;. Are you going to fine out?


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## Scarlett2

I really don't know. We'd have to pay for a private scan, but we could probably afford it if we needed to. I sort of feel as though, if we privately, then if i cry it won't matter so much. Less of a quick in and out experience when compared with the NHS and they are probably used to it. 

Then again I wonder if ignorance is bliss and if fewer people are likely to ask whether I'm disappointed if the baby has just arrived....


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## Misscalais

I prefer to find out, i think it helps to bond easier :) i has happy to have either with my 1st as i wanted boys and girls. We didn't find out with him.
My 2nd i hoped for a girl but we had another boy, i was disappointed a little bit but was over it like the next day lol with my 3rd i had bad Gd when i was told boy but by the end of my pregnancy i was content and feel so silly and guild for feel that way. My 3rd little boy is so precious.
Anyway he was meant to be our last and i got pregnant again by accident and we are having a girl this time but definitely needed to find out either way because i knew the GD would be bad again if it were boy #4.
Good luck i hope you get a girl :)


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## MeaganMackenz

I'm you in reverse. We have always found out the gender so we know dd1 was a girl and that was fine. Second try we hoped for a boy but dd2 came. It took quite sometime to get to number 3 as we knew that was it and maybe even pushing it to try for a boy. Well, she's almost 8 months now. I cried for a few days off and on knowing I'd never have a son. I felt bad for hubby not giving him a boy. But I found out at 17 weeks and by the time I was near the end I was at peace with my gaggle of girls. If I was you I'd find out now so you can have time to yourself if it's an outie not an innie and feel your feels in private. OR It a girl and you can lose your mind with excitement for 12 weeks lol good luck


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## SaraVO

I think knowing and having time to either get over the disappointed or prepare for a new gender would be my first choice. But we never considered not finding out. I wanted to know, my husband wanted to know and financially I wanted to prepare for him. I really didn't have a preference for myself but I really wanted my husband to have a son so it was nothing but good news when they said he was a boy. But I do look at little girl stuff and think it's cute. But then I see little boy bowties and overalls and I'm over the moon excited. I can't wait for my little man. And I kind of love having two men in my life that I get to be everything to.


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## 6lilpigs

Could/would you sneak in for a private scan without telling DH? Just so you know either way. Then when you know you can decide your best plan of action to handle DH, whether to hold your silence for the big surprise or to start gently preparing him maybe in a humorous way. I just checked out your nub pics and I would lean girl on them, GL :)


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## chelsealynnb

I know the feeling. I have 3 sons, and am pregnant again now but it's too early to tell the gender. I've been obsessing over my 12 week ultrasound, trying to find any hint of a girl in there. I vented to some of my friends about how devestated I'll be if this new baby is a boy. I even teared up at a Christmas event the other day because I saw all these little girls running around in their sparkly Christmas dresses and tights :cry: One of my friends suggested that I try and pick out a boy name, so maybe if I find out it's another boy, I will feel more attached because he will have a name. Maybe that is a suggestion for you? I just want you to know, I know exactly how you feel! It bugs me when people say (although I know it's their best intentions) "all that matters is the baby is healthy!" I want to say, easy for you to say you're not the one with possibly FOUR boys!! Anyways, I considered not finding out, too, but personally I think the disappointment would be greater for me finding out at birth. For DS3, the tech told me probable boy at my 13 week scan and it really helped to prepare me for my 20 week scan when they told me boy for sure. I didn't even cry, I was surprised. I think it's better to know so you can get used to the reality, but that's just me. I hope we both get our girls!


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## Scarlett2

6lilpigs said:


> Could/would you sneak in for a private scan without telling DH? Just so you know either way. Then when you know you can decide your best plan of action to handle DH, whether to hold your silence for the big surprise or to start gently preparing him maybe in a humorous way. I just checked out your nub pics and I would lean girl on them, GL :)

Funnily enough I have thought about this. Somehow I feel I would rather find out on my own. BUT I would feel so uncomfortable about deceiving hubbie and it would be a pretty big thing to not 'mention'. Thanks for the girl 'lean' - I have no idea... I would be pretty surprised though. I've pretty much accepted it's another boy I think!


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## Scarlett2

chelsealynnb said:


> I know the feeling. I have 3 sons, and am pregnant again now but it's too early to tell the gender. I've been obsessing over my 12 week ultrasound, trying to find any hint of a girl in there. I vented to some of my friends about how devestated I'll be if this new baby is a boy. I even teared up at a Christmas event the other day because I saw all these little girls running around in their sparkly Christmas dresses and tights :cry: One of my friends suggested that I try and pick out a boy name, so maybe if I find out it's another boy, I will feel more attached because he will have a name. Maybe that is a suggestion for you? I just want you to know, I know exactly how you feel! It bugs me when people say (although I know it's their best intentions) "all that matters is the baby is healthy!" I want to say, easy for you to say you're not the one with possibly FOUR boys!! Anyways, I considered not finding out, too, but personally I think the disappointment would be greater for me finding out at birth. For DS3, the tech told me probable boy at my 13 week scan and it really helped to prepare me for my 20 week scan when they told me boy for sure. I didn't even cry, I was surprised. I think it's better to know so you can get used to the reality, but that's just me. I hope we both get our girls!

Thanks so much for this. You're right - people's comments do irritate me. I am also really fed up of people asking whether I want a girl, how I'll feel if it's a boy. Don't people realise that any answer to those questions is damning... It's either lie, or tell the truth and set yourself up for a whole load of other irritating comments if it is another boy after the birth...


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## kerrymom

First I want to say I love your name, my first born is Scarlet :)
I am sorry you are having a hard time, as if pregnancy and two kids isn't hard enough.

I would suggest you go ahead and find out and safe yourself the turmoil of not knowing for the next several months. If it's another boy you can take some time to be sad before he arrives. If it's a girl you can experience that joy and bond with her while she is still growing inside of you. Either way your emotions will be high, I think. 
Good luck whatever you decide.


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