# Doula?



## tinytabby

I am planning a home birth, and was just thinking it would be myself, OH and the midwife (or midwives).

A friend said I should hire a doula too but I'm not sure. I know there are a few douas here do it'd be great to hear what you think, but also anyone who's hired one - what were the benefits and would you hire her again?


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## madasa

I wish I'd hired one. Both times. If I have any more children, I definitely will. For so many reasons!

With my second baby, my birth was very positive and I loved it. We did have some problems afterwards though - me and DH both panicked a bit and having someone there to help keep us calm and reassured would have been brilliant. We transferred at that point and lost continuity of care.... if we'd had a doula to transfer with us I think that would have helped a lot. Ante natally and post natally, we often felt trapped and a bit "bullied" by the "system" - having a doula to help us navigate policies and what not would have been a godsend.


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## fifi-folle

I'd love to but can't afford it :(
Where in Scotland are you, I have a few friends who've used a doula, could pass on recommendations...


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## Tacey

I'm so glad we've hired a doula this time. DH struggled a lot last time as he didn't know how to help me. He was also exhausted but couldn't nip off for a break. I felt I didn't get the emotional support that would have helped. I feel so much more confident knowing I have our doula on the end of the phone. She's a very calming, reassuring woman, and is great at gently helping DH see how he can support me. I'd definitely recommend meeting a few to see what you think.


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## madasa

fifi-folle said:


> I'd love to but can't afford it :(
> Where in Scotland are you, I have a few friends who've used a doula, could pass on recommendations...

If you are on any benefits at all, have a look at the Doula UK Access Fund. "A doula for all." 

I'm still a new doula and not completed the recognition process, so my fees are very low compared to the more experienced doulas who have been doing it for years. I have also worked basically for peanuts, just to gain experience and I know I am not alone.


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## fifi-folle

Not on benefits fortunately but I'm not working or getting MA now.


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## lozzy21

I think it defiantly helps having some female support during your labour and if you don't have a mother or close friend you want there then a doula is defiantly the way to go.


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## aliss

I agree doula is a way to go.

Bless men. Mine was wonderful.

BUT

Men do not like seeing their wives in pain. OR, their way to help is "don't be a wuss" :rofl: How can these poor guys possibly relate? Damned if they do, damned if they don't.

The majority of doulas have birthed naturally and will understand you, and encourage you accordingly. Women don't become doulas if they don't believe in the power of gentle encouragement of natural labour. 

I have my doula meeting next week, I look forward to meeting her. I wish I had her with my 1st! My OH was wonderful and supportive of natural delivery but could not encourage me the same as a doula could.


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## tinytabby

Thanks everyone. Your comments are really helpful. OH is a pretty steady kind of guy, he was my rock last year when I had a hideous medical procedure done to my broken elbow and I screamed like an animal! I don't know how well he will cope for labour but he's sure he can do it without a doula - he's not that keen.



fifi-folle said:


> I'd love to but can't afford it :(
> Where in Scotland are you, I have a few friends who've used a doula, could pass on recommendations...

I'm in Glasgow. Recommendations would be fab, thanks. The jury's still out but it might not hurt to talk to some.


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## fifi-folle

ah sorry I'm east coast :)


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## tinytabby

fifi-folle said:


> ah sorry I'm east coast :)

No worries.


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## booflebump

There's some lovely doulas in the Glasgow area - Arcanegirl has hired one, so she might have suggestions. Otherwise, have a look on Doula UK - they will all be listed there :thumbup: I'm a new mentored doula too, but on the other side of Scotland from you unfortunately!

xxx


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## karla1

madasa said:


> fifi-folle said:
> 
> 
> I'd love to but can't afford it :(
> Where in Scotland are you, I have a few friends who've used a doula, could pass on recommendations...
> 
> If you are on any benefits at all, have a look at the Doula UK Access Fund. "A doula for all."
> 
> I'm still a new doula and not completed the recognition process, so my fees are very low compared to the more experienced doulas who have been doing it for years. I have also worked basically for peanuts, just to gain experience and I know I am not alone.Click to expand...

we have hired a doula for our home water birth but are low on income so we have found a doula that is still kind of training i suppose is the best term for it as she needs some birth experiences for her to be fully qualified so its a win win situation.

we want someone there to support us and our choices and help keep things calm and relaxed and take some of the stress off us (silly things like making drinks or getting things from other rooms so OH doesnt have to leave me) and she needs the experience so she can fully qualify so between us we have negotiated what we all feel is a fair fee for her services and we have also given her our consent to use us as a "case study" and reference for other people to contact if they want to check her out before hiring her themselves

maybe ask around at any homebirth groups in your area if there is anyone training that you could do the same with


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## madasa

Wow, Karla - is it your EDD today?? HAPPY "DUE" DATE! :)

This is also a handy doula-finding tool:
https://www.douladirectory.co.uk/public/search/search.php

Failing that, try typing in your toan and "doula" into Google and see what comes up.
Good luck! :)


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## karla1

madasa said:


> Wow, Karla - is it your EDD today?? HAPPY "DUE" DATE! :)
> 
> This is also a handy doula-finding tool:
> https://www.douladirectory.co.uk/public/search/search.php
> 
> Failing that, try typing in your toan and "doula" into Google and see what comes up.
> Good luck! :)

it certainly is thank you :flower: but this little man is a typical lazy boy and is not showing any signs of coming anytime soon :nope:


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## Arcanegirl

This my hired Doula https://www.facebook.com/nurturingnaturedoulaayrshire
She is a training one and total cost is £200 which she will allow you to pay how ever you can. We had finance issues aswell which we spoke with her about, but very lucky that I got a PPI claim back that has paid for her hire.

Her name is Caroline and she has been so wonderful so far and gone above and beyond her services so far :D


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## Taramichelle

Tacey said:


> I'm so glad we've hired a doula this time. DH struggled a lot last time as he didn't know how to help me. He was also exhausted but couldn't nip off for a break. I felt I didn't get the emotional support that would have helped. I feel so much more confident knowing I have our doula on the end of the phone. She's a very calming, reassuring woman, and is great at gently helping DH see how he can support me. I'd definitely recommend meeting a few to see what you think.

No doula! I have met so many OH who felt uninvolved because some lady took his (her) spot. It's hard enough for some OH not feeling completely involved in carrying the baby during pregnancy, don't take that from them during birth. If you OH isn't completely competent, then you should at least discuss His/her feelings on the matter first. Remember a doula isn't a doctor or nurse (like a midwife) they literally had to take a class and pay a fee to be a support for you. If you have a support person, embrace them first before you waste your money.


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## Tacey

Taramichelle said:


> Tacey said:
> 
> 
> I'm so glad we've hired a doula this time. DH struggled a lot last time as he didn't know how to help me. He was also exhausted but couldn't nip off for a break. I felt I didn't get the emotional support that would have helped. I feel so much more confident knowing I have our doula on the end of the phone. She's a very calming, reassuring woman, and is great at gently helping DH see how he can support me. I'd definitely recommend meeting a few to see what you think.
> 
> No doula! I have met so many OH who felt uninvolved because some lady took his (her) spot. It's hard enough for some OH not feeling completely involved in carrying the baby during pregnancy, don't take that from them during birth. If you OH isn't completely competent, then you should at least discuss His/her feelings on the matter first. Remember a doula isn't a doctor or nurse (like a midwife) they literally had to take a class and pay a fee to be a support for you. If you have a support person, embrace them first before you waste your money.Click to expand...

Don't worry, my DH hasn't been kept in the dark. he's the one who wanted a doula. Of course I've discussed his feelings! I am also aware of the purpose of a doula. I don't expect her to be a medical support. I have two midwives for that. We have chosen (note WE) her because she is experienced in massage, homeopathy and hypnobirthing, and through our antenatal sessions has been passing on that knowledge to DH. She is able to take our daughter out to play during the birth to allow DH to stay with me, or she can give him a break if he needs it, which is something he says he would have loved to have first time round, as by the time I reached transition he was like the waking dead. He felt disempowered last time as he didn't know how he could help me, but our doula has already provided many suggestions for him, and will be gently encouraging him throughout the birth. 

It's a shame you have encountered people who have been railroaded by their choice of doula, but I assure you, that is not everyone's experience.


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## Mervs Mum

I a survey conducted by Doula UK, (I notice you're in America and the role of the doula differs somewhat there) 100% of couples said they would book a doula again.....so some of them seem to be getting the balance right....


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## madasa

Doulas support the mother AND her partner. In fact, knowing how dads are sometimes treated on maternity wards I see that as a pretty big part of my job! HELPING him to feel included, helping him NOT to feel helpless or scared and just relieving him if he is tired or overwhelemed and needs a break. Midwives are overstretched JUST trying to care for mothers and babies - poor dad is often completely ignored and left feeling totally useless. ("Like a spare tool" - OH's words).

Some dads are too full of adrenaline and their presence actually slows labour down. They are better off DOING things to help dissipate that adrenaline. They are too fired up to just sit there and be with their partner. They see her "in pain" and want to "fix it". I know ladies who went to the toilet on their own during labour because they couldn't "let go" during a contraction in front of their partner. They knew that they would get upset at seeing them "in pain" and that made them hold back. Sometimes the dad is just not well prepared, or he is tired or frightened. He's not giving good support to her at this point because he's in a bit of a mess himself. HE needs support too, and frankly it's a bit mean to leave him high and dry without it! 

Some dads are GREAT at sitting with their partner, in which case the doula's role is different! :) 

And IMO there is something to be said for having support from a WOMAN at this very feminine time.

Knowing what a doula does (because I am one), DH is completely up for having one if we have any more children.


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## karla1

i would also like to add the main reason we have hired a doula is because OH wanted one. he has got 2 children from past relationship and felt totally out of the whole birth process and very scared and worried as nobody was explaining what was going on or why is partner was in so much pain. with this being a home birth he was worried he would be pushed aside once again even more so this time with things like making drinks and fetching and carry things and would have no idea what was going on so he actually wants our doula to be there to support him and make sure the midwifes are talking to him and letting him be involved he wants to "catch" our baby when born and pass him to me but was worried MW's might take over and push him to the sidelines. our doula has been great at putting his mind at rest that she is there to support him


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## tinytabby

Thanks all for the different points of view - it's interesting to hear from people who don't want a doula. I think the point that we have to make the decision as a couple is right and I'll encourage OH to look at both sides of the story so we can decide together.


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## aliss

Taramichelle said:


> Tacey said:
> 
> 
> I'm so glad we've hired a doula this time. DH struggled a lot last time as he didn't know how to help me. He was also exhausted but couldn't nip off for a break. I felt I didn't get the emotional support that would have helped. I feel so much more confident knowing I have our doula on the end of the phone. She's a very calming, reassuring woman, and is great at gently helping DH see how he can support me. I'd definitely recommend meeting a few to see what you think.
> 
> No doula! I have met so many OH who felt uninvolved because some lady took his (her) spot. It's hard enough for some OH not feeling completely involved in carrying the baby during pregnancy, don't take that from them during birth. If you OH isn't completely competent, then you should at least discuss His/her feelings on the matter first. Remember a doula isn't a doctor or nurse (like a midwife) they literally had to take a class and pay a fee to be a support for you. If you have a support person, embrace them first before you waste your money.Click to expand...

Wow, never thought I'd find an anti-doula post in natural birthing! I find your post rather ill-informed about why doulas exist, what they do, what their training is, etc. perhaps you should do a little more research about them and their effect on labour.


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## Taramichelle

aliss said:


> Taramichelle said:
> 
> 
> No doula! I have met so many OH who felt uninvolved because some lady took his (her) spot. It's hard enough for some OH not feeling completely involved in carrying the baby during pregnancy, don't take that from them during birth. If you OH isn't completely competent, then you should at least discuss His/her feelings on the matter first. Remember a doula isn't a doctor or nurse (like a midwife) they literally had to take a class and pay a fee to be a support for you. If you have a support person, embrace them first before you waste your money.
> 
> Wow, never thought I'd find an anti-doula post in natural birthing! I find your post rather ill-informed about why doulas exist, what they do, what their training is, etc. perhaps you should do a little more research about them and their effect on labour.Click to expand...

For the record, my cousin is a certified and trained Doula and has been for almost 10 years. I lived with her during her training and watched her as she booked her first clients, which she needed to complete her certification. So yes, I know what a doula's purpose is and what they have to offer. Second, I was simply saying to go into it knowing any potential negatives from the experience, because there are some. And as for Feminine support, many women choose to have their mother or sister, free of charge, someone they love...know...and trust by their side. And yes, I understand that things in the US and UK differ, but here in the US, most decent fathers are involved in birthing classes and research on how to help the mother during labor...which is what a Doula does during her certification...look it up. No difference in my opinion, unless your Doula happens to be an expert at delivery herself, in which case this may sway your decision,which is a valid argument. Just don't discount the love and support your OH has to offer, that's all. I am for natural birth and always hav been. A doula is used in many unnatural births, don't please don't correlate these two.


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## aliss

Nobody is discounting love and support from their partner but a doula support is not the same as your OH's. They have different roles and my husband was very very good in my labour, but he was not a woman who had gone through labour to help me through it. A man going through a labour support class is not the same as a woman who has actually been through a natural labour. A man cannot understand to the same level, of no fault of his own, because he has not been through it.


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## Taramichelle

Absolutely. That's what I was saying, if u can hire a Doula who is a mom herself and has gone through a natural birth and u don't feel comfortable with a mom, sister or other female mom in your life, then you should hire a Doula. Just consider your options, that's all. In. Tough economy, a penny saved is a good thing.


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## madasa

It is far different actually choosing and hiring a doula than getting one assigned to you as part of the medical team. The same research also showed that it is different hiring a doula than having someone from your family or social circle support you. 

https://brendalane.suite101.com/doulas-more-effective-than-staff-or-mothers-family-friends-a351488

I've had my mother at one birth and my mother in law at the other. Neither of them have the knowledge, confidence in birth or passion for the subject that I have. Neither of them have the skills that many doulas do either! Both were emotionally invested in the birth of their grandchildren - both got caught up in the moment when what I needed was someone with a cool head and an outside perspective, to help calm or reassure or encourage. Not to mention, the individualised ante natal and post natal support... That is why, as much as love my mum and my MIL.... I will be having a doula next time. The majority of women are flippin' petrified of the process, IME, and being close to you, loving you, doesn't make them less afraid. If anything, it makes them MORE scared. Fear = ...???... I hope, it being the Natural Birth Section, that I don't have to spell out what THAT means... ;) 

Sure, not everyone needs one! Some people who do want one might be lucky enough to have a friend or relative who ticks all those boxes - lucky them! I know a few ladies chose an IM and decided that because of that they didn't need one. Different strokes and all that :D


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