# My Story 21 week loss



## Laurenmomma

I needed to get my story down and maybe let people know it's not always horrifying as I was so scared!

I went to my 20 week scan last Friday on my own, Iv had 3 children before who are all healthy and happy so I thought it wasn't worth oh taking a day off and losing a day's pay when we will need the money. The night before I told oh I was feeling a sense of doom, I hadn't felt the baby move which wasn't usual for me but the midwife at an 18 week appointment told me it was normal and my placenta may have been at the front. I hadn't actually seen a midwife to check heartbeat or feel belly or anything. I asked but was told it was normal at 18 weeks to not feel anything, it wasn't for me.
I had also had an early miscarriage last November out of the blue, an early reassurance scan and my 12 week scan showed a flickering heartbeat and an active baby!

Anyway I lay down and I looked down, I didn't have no belly, the sonographer asked if it was my first and if I wanted to know the sex, I didn't.

She started scanning and almost straight away she grabbed my hand and said I'm sorry I can't find a heartbeat. I will never forget those words.

A doctor came in and scanned me again and said no there's no heartbeat the baby is about 15/16 weeks. I cried, and cried and was taken to a side room, walking past the waiting room with pregnant women tutting saying Ahhh as I had tears streaming down my face. I phoned my oh in floods of tears I couldn't get the words out, he said its gone I said yes.

He said he was on his way, in the mean time the midwife came in and talked me through what happens next to be induced and a doctor explained the induction procedure along with the funeral and post mortem details, I couldn't take it in.

I went to the toilet and when I wiped had a tiny bit of brown, the first time in the 21 weeks I had had this. I started cramping straight away all around my back, I told the midwife I wasn't ready to do it all that day and I'd come back on Monday. I left with my oh and the cramping just got worse.

Saturday morning I had a party with my daughter I couldn't let her down and then a family party too but I couldn't stay. The slightest thing would set me off, seeing someone with the pram I was ordering, a baby in a car seat i wanted to get home.

I told the kids, my 5 year old broke down that she wanted her little brother (we didn't know the sex at this point) my 4 and 2 year olds didn't really understand but it hit my 5 year old hard. 
Anyway Sunday came and I'd been up all night with horrible cramps and more brown when wiping this turned to regular contractions every 2-3 minutes lasting 1 minute. I took the kids to my sisters and my oh decided to take them out, I phoned the hospital and went up with my sister where they gave me the first pill, observed me and we left an hour later and went shopping. About 3 hours later the contractions started again but more painful so we had to leave the shops, I also felt sick and could feel me losing more brown mucus. Later on it stopped again. I had an amazing sleep that night, I must have known.

Monday morning came and I took the kids to school and went to my dads work (where my sister works too) I couldn't face being on my own.

We decided to go to ikea for some drawers for my boys bedroom. Walking round and the contractions started again but felt different. I started losing a lot more mucus and my oh picked the kids up from school, I got a bath and laid down on my bed, I felt two pops stood up and my waters had broke. I'd never had this in any of my pregnancies so it freaked me out.

I started having a panic attack as I tried to sort the kids out, my oh phoned my sister who luckily was 2 minutes away, I put another pad on and got the kids pyjamas and uniforms together for them to stay in my sisters. I had a few cramps more pressure contractions and she left with the kids. I phoned the hospital and said my waters had gone and I would be coming up.

I went to the toilet sat down and felt pressure then a head popped out, I screamed for my oh who phoned an ambulance but then I pushed the rest of his body out into my hand then minutes later the placenta came out too.

He told the ambulance caller that it would be easier for him to drive me to the hospital, I didn't want to waste an ambulance.

I pulled myself together wrapped the baby and placenta in a towel and grabbed a blanket which happened to be blue. I walked from the car to the ward shaking felt like I was in a dream. I saw a midwife and told her I'd had a miscarriage and the baby had been born at home, I burst out crying.

They took me to my room and unwrapped the baby and took him out. Minutes later they came back with a tiny Moses basket with the baby with a little knitted blue blanket over him. It was a boy!

I cried when I saw him, he was perfectly formed, 10 fingers and toes little ears mouth and eyes and a little Willy! He just looked like a tiny tiny baby!

He stayed with us for the next 5 hours while we filled in the post mortem request and the funeral details and I had blood taken and given my anti d injection. 

The next part was the hardest, leaving him there with the midwife, I'd just given birth and I was leaving with a plastic wallet with a few leaflets and the blanket is wrapped him in. I'm still thinking about that now! We filled a rememberance form out and gave him a name, Georgie.

Before he was born we didn't know if we wanted to see him, name him, bury him but as soon as we saw him he was a baby, our baby the same as the ones we had already.

I feel physically ok, bleeding as you do with any other pregnancy but no severe pains or anything but I'm hurting.

My daughter is devastated, I picked her up from school and she's been so teary and down. I bought her a blue teddy and told her it was her baby brothers and told her the name, she told me she didn't want Georgie as an angel she wanted him down here. She also came out of school with a picture she had drawn with a rainbow with me under it with hearts and butterflies. She's so aware it hurts.

I'm signed off work for 2 weeks but it's making me not want to go back at all. I want to spend time with my kids instead of the long hours I do. It's gona hurt me forever but I'm glad it's done, I'm glad it wasn't a full labour for nothing.

I'm sorry this was so long I don't have many people I can talk to about it so it's felt good to get it all out. Iv decided I want to try for another In a few months once the post mortem comes back and hope it tells me why it happened!

Thanks for your support on this site, it really does help to talk to people who don't know you personally who have been through the same x


----------



## maryanne1987

I so so sorry you had to go through this. Huge hugs. If you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to message me. I lost my dd at 19 weeks and it was heartbreaking. Yet like you I was grateful for the time I had with her. I hope you are being looked after and have plenty of support. I know it's hurts seeing your children hurting but they will bounce back, my son was devastated when we lost tabitha and although it took time he did get over it and now we can remember her happily. I hope the post mortem and funeral go ok and when your are ready to ttc again that you get your rainbow quickly xx


----------



## Laurenmomma

Thank you! Iv had a crap day today just everything reminding me then seeing pregnant friends pictures of scans and talking about hearing the heartbeat. I got to 21 weeks and never got to hear that, I never got to hear him or feel him, I never got to be excited or buy any baby stuff.

People keep saying these things happen, and look at the kids you have got. But that doesn't make it any easier at all. I'm not even in bed yet and I don't even want to get up tomorrow.


----------



## maryanne1987

People always try to help by saying the totally wrong thing. Doesn't matter if you have children, and yes these things happen but they shouldn't. All I can say is time is a great healer, it does slowly get better, and the pain never fades but it becomes easier to bare. The only way I coped was by taking it one day at a time as the thought of a lifetime of dealing with the pain was too much for me. Id just focus on getting through the day in front of me and not think any further ahead than that. Make sure you surround yourself with the people you love, try not to be alone and allow yourself to grieve. I'm really so sorry for what your having to go through.


----------



## lau86

I'm so sorry x


----------



## LDC

I'm so sorry for your loss of Georgie. I lost my baby at 21 weeks too, he was also perfect. I remember being so scared to see him and then as soon as I did all of my worries went away and I couldn't believe how scared I had been about what he would look like. He was perfect. 

My daughter was almost three when we lost our baby and like your daughter, she was aware that something was wrong and that mummy no longer had a baby in her tummy. We talk about her brother, when appropriate, and will be doing a balloon release next week on the anniversary of his birth. 

Please take time to recover; emotionally and physically. I took 8 weeks off work and it was definitely something I needed, I didn't want to go back before the funeral and PM results and I'm so glad I didn't. I also felt the same as you, with wanting to spend more time at home with my daughter as my job was stressful and impacting on my home life. It was like losing my son opened my eyes to everything around me and I quit my job, took a huge pay cut and started working part time and it's the best decision I ever made.

Feel free to message if you ever do want to talk, sending you best wishes xxx


----------



## Laurenmomma

Thanks so much ladies.

Iv had a better day today, I went to see my nan she lost 4 babies, 2 of which were still born and even now she cries about it and gets upset around their birthdays. At that time she had to do it all alone each time and the babies were just taken away. 

It was weird that my baby had died about 6 weeks earlier and was a boy, it was the same for her.

Iv got next week off work and although I feel ok I don't want to go back and be totally not ready for it especially as nobody knew I was pregnant in the first place and now they know what's happened it's like nobody knows what to say which makes it kind of worse!

I'm gona look for something part time in the mean time, I can always go back To my career x


----------



## catty

Im so sorry for your loss :(

must have been awful having to do that at home, i hope you have lots of support. 
I love his name! Maybe make you daughter feel including like laying things on his grave etc and talk about him with her i always think children are better knowing though as hard as it must be for her.

I am the same stage and i cant even imaging going through that, your so brave!!


Oh and also about work you take aslong as you need! I wouldnt even be thinking about going back unless you actually feel it will help you in some way. You can get a doctors line and not sure about your work but most would give you full pay.


----------



## danijoanne

I'm so sorry, love to you all xx


----------



## tag74

I'm so very sorry! :(


----------



## BabyBlondex

Im so so sorry, thinking of you and your poor family &#128156;&#9785;&#65039;


----------



## Hotbump

:hugs:


----------



## mummy3

I'm so sorry x


----------



## ElsMommy26

I am so unbelievably sorry - I'm just sitting here crying at work after reading this. You and Georgie are in my thoughts a:hugs:nd prayers.


----------

