# Too poor to have a baby



## Beryl

:nope:Yesterday morning I once again expressed my anxiety to dh regarding our finances - or lack thereof and having a baby. 
Thanks to the immigration process and having to leave school when we were younger, we have no savings and our income is at this time in our life limited. We work but our wages are very low, and I've recently given up a full - time job in order to trade it for trying to conceive, some online courses and lighter duty part time job. So even less money coming in now. Eventually with some courses and training we'd be able to earn more money, but with my being home with a baby this would all be delayed at least 5 years. Our status now is one bedroom apartment, would have to move into a two after baby is born. Last year at this time it was just me working as dh did not have permanent residence and we had no idea when that was going to happen -he has his pr now and is working full time , but I am not working full time, so we're not much better off *sigh. We are both frugal people, responsible and careful with money, but cost of living is too high, wages too low. We can't even afford a car, and won't for a few more years. *sigh

:nope:

The thing is, we may be pregnant now. My fingers are crossed that we are, and that we aren't. 

We decided, definitely if we are, we'll be over the moon with joy - scared shitless but happy. If not...we'll be done. Dh will have a vasectomy to remove further temptation and that will be the end of it.

I'll stay with the forum, because if we are pregnant (in 2ww limbo atm) then I'll need all the support I can get.

:hugs:

hugs to all. thank you for reading.
I said to dh, what if you're sick and lose a week's pay, and we have a baby at home..............we're f*^cked. I just don't won't to live with that sort of constant money worries and high level stress

I felt terrible putting money ahead of a baby and was worried all day that I'd really let him down. I apologized via cell while he was at work and told him how much I want a baby too . We've had this discussion several times, but he always ends up convincing me that love will find away, or we'll be poor but we'll have more love.

Yesterday, when he came home, and I asked how he was feeling, what were his thoughts. He said he can't live in denial any longer and he thought it best that we stop trying and give up on the dream of becoming parents.

I am sad but he's right, and I guess I'm right, but I never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life. I've really enjoyed sharing the delusion that we could make it work, we would find the money, we could enjoy being in love with our baby and all the money struggles would not matter. But it would be so hard on us. We are both orphaned only children and do not have the family to help us out. Retirement would probably not be an option. *sigh


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## Beryl

sorry, my paragraphs got out of order some how, hope it all still makes sense


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## mayheadd

Hi Beryl,
Having a baby is the best gift ever and not something to be anxious about.We put off having more kids after our first but we do regret it TTC now we could have had our kids years ago.


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## Beryl

mayheadd said:


> Hi Beryl,
> Having a baby is the best gift ever and not something to be anxious about.We put off having more kids after our first but we do regret it TTC now we could have had our kids years ago.

Thank you mayheadd, I agree having a baby would be the best gift ever. If we are pregnant we will be too happy to worry too much I think.

But dh says no to trying anymore if we are not. He's right, but I am very sad at the prospect of not being a mum. I am stunned as well, it was always he who assuaged my fears, in which I was always playing devil's advocate and making sure he was still as okay as I was to go through with it- trying to conceive that is. But now, he's not okay. :cry:

It's our wedding anniversary today, and he's happy about that, but I don't feel much like celebrating. I'm not angry with him, and I agree with him. But I am gutted.


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## torch2010

I think getting your husband to have a vasectomy is VERY extreme?!! There are lots of long term contraceptions you can use. Having a baby is scary. We are on baby number 4, we don't earn massive amounts, we don't have a car as they are just too expensive to run but we have a happy family life, our children are well looked after, have everything they need etc. We cut out the things we really don't need and replace them with the things we do


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## Beryl

torch2010 said:


> I think getting your husband to have a vasectomy is VERY extreme?!! There are lots of long term contraceptions you can use. Having a baby is scary. We are on baby number 4, we don't earn massive amounts, we don't have a car as they are just too expensive to run but we have a happy family life, our children are well looked after, have everything they need etc. We cut out the things we really don't need and replace them with the things we do

Thank you torch. It's my husband's decision to have a vasectomy - not my wish. :nope:

My dh is the one who will be working the much longer hours while I'm at home with the baby so I stand by his decision. If we were in our 20s being poor with kids would be easier, but we're not. 

This will be the most crucial 2 week wait of my life. If we're pregnant I get to be a mum, if not - never.

I have to put my husband first, he wants a baby as much as I do, but we can't argue with the facts. Our situation is that tight, we already do without a great deal of luxuries and some necessities too.


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## Beryl

I worry that I'll regret not fighting harder to keep trying. At the moment I'm more afraid of life without a baby than life with a baby and poor.

I'm sure we'll always feel sad, but one day we'll be happy about other things as well.


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## willowfleur

Beryl said:


> I worry that I'll regret not fighting harder to keep trying. At the moment I'm more afraid of life without a baby than life with a baby and poor.
> 
> I'm sure we'll always feel sad, but one day we'll be happy about other things as well.

Aw Beryl thats a tough situation to be in :-( I would agree, it would be awful if you were to spend forever regretting, a vasectomy you should really BOTH be 100% about otherwise you may end up resenting him/his decision - reversals I imagine come with their own problems. My sister made the decision not to try anymore after 3 years (they are also very hard up financially) ... she is now 41 and 4 months pregnant! It came as a real shock to her and naturally she is very worried about money but she sees it as 'we'll be o.k' and she will.

And so will you Beryl, I really really hope you get your BFP but if not perhaps ntnp may be the way for you guys

Whatever the outcome, sending lots of hugs and thoughts your way :hugs: 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Beryl

Thank you willowfleur :hugs::hugs:

Your caring response means a lot. Thank you for telling me about your sister.

I admit not trying, not preventing was what I was hoping for - let fate decide for us, when I talked to dh last night.


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## charm2mama

You and your husband know your financial situation the best so maybe it is not my place to say...but I really don't think you should give up. I know that for myself, if I don't go all out trying I will one day regret not having tried everything. 

Money is important, very important, but a child can thrive without being wealthy as long as he or she has a loving and supportive family. Of course, worrying about money all the time is a source of a lot of stress but I believe that you can always find a way. I think there are ways to make money while you are at home with your child. If I ever have kids, I thought about maybe opening a day care or take in 1-2 kids. In my area, childcare is SUPER expensive. I once helped look for a daycare for her child and the cheapest I was able to find was $800 (US) a month and this was a home day care run by a mother who wanted to stay home with her child. In addition to her child she had 2 babies (maybe 3?). That's a good monthly income. I don't know what the laws are for doing this, but this is just an example. 

I just pray that you get your BFP at the end of this 2ww. Good luck.


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## vermeil

Hello Beryl,

You`re in BC yes? I know it`s expensive to live there. There are many child benefits you receive after the birth of a child, for low income families. My uncle is the single breadwinner or his family, at minimum wage and I know he receives extra financial aid because he has a daughter. And if you`re working, don`t you get a year of maternity leave, with almost full salary? Finally here in Quebec daycare is subsidized and ends up costing only 7$/day, a small 140$ a month. That concept might, with a bit of luck, spread to the rest of Canada - there has been some talk of it. 

Money should never get in the way of a baby

wishing you the best of luck :hugs:


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## pdmcd17

Beryl I agree with vermeil in Canada there's lots of programs for lower income families. Including subsidized daycare and housing options ie coops may be a better bet then regional housing

My bil is having their second he's unemployed again and she works part time, with the help of some programs they are managing

I hope you get the outcome you want, good luck


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## Flowers Jasmn

Hi Berly,
Having kids is fun, don't worry about finances. They are times when you do well financially and on other occasion the finances nosedive. Look at the birds, do they have savings? but they wake up every morning and sing and rejoice and they get their daily bread. My advise is go a head and have a baby. Also, you DH should not attempt vasectomy at this stage, what if an inexplicable event occurs . There are other FP methods you can use in the mean time.


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## BabyBean14

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