# FOB and and attempting co-parenting



## daniyaaq

This is quite a long story but I will try summarise as I really need advice etc.

I have a DD who is 5 years old, I met her father one drunken night when I was devastated after breaking up with an ex girlfriend and struggling with sexuality and the likes. He was friend of a friend we were at a party he knew I was a lesbian I had too much to drink the rest was history. 

He wasn't all thrilled when I got pregnant, demanded I have an abortion and it was a very messy couple of months with lots of bad words exchanges etc. I initially wanted the child to have him in her life but when I realized how toxic and manipulative he was I stopped trying. When baby was born I informed him but he didn't respond, he resurfaced when she was 2 months except he was trying to have a relationship with me aswell...things became even more messy including sexual assault. When she was 4 months I told him to stop trying to be with me. He told me he doesn't want anything to do with me or baby and we messing his life. We never lived in same state but were 3hour drive apart...after that encounter I moved even further away.

When DD was a year I wanted to visit family overseas and of course I needed his signature for passport. Another messy encounter that ended with him trying to rape me, I was stronger this time I managed to fight him off. He apologized claiming 'he thought I liked it rough'. We went overseas for 3 months and when I came back I told him, we still lived in a state further away. He made no contact whatsoever, 6 months later we went back overseas, this time for 5 months. We came back and informed him again. This time we moved to home 3hrs from him, he made contact, from my understanding current gf found out and wanted him to, keeping in mind the gf lived in same state as us so he would pop in to see DD when he came to see her. 

After DD 3rd bday, he broke up with gf and therefore stopped coming to see her, he would however call. He demanded to take DD for weekends interstate, I told him that she doesn't yet have a good relationship with him for her to be far from me for overnight visit, he took that as me coming between her and him, insulted me. He never came to see her except 3 times we ran into him at occasions (we kinda run in aame circle)

Come 2015, I went overseas again, I was pregnant with number 2 (sperm donor) had a horrible pregnancy that resulted me being on bed rest. Before I left his sister had a baby and all of a sudden his family started demanding to see my daughter, I would take her to them when they were in town (sister partners family was here). When we were gone he demanded to see DD because his grandmother was visiting, despite my condition and all evidence I presented to him he dished more insults and basically stressed me out.

We came back after I gave birth, told him we back and he never responded.
Now I have always been of the opinion its his job to work for his relationship with DD. But I take responsibility that I may have made it hard with times I moved, I'm also aware that while he has interest it's little. I want to attempt to play an active role in fostering their relationship and I need help.

Where do I start? How do I start the conversation with him? We both have very ill feelings towards each other but this is about DD not us. I know he doesn't trust me but I want to try.

I asked DD to call him today, they spoke for about 2 minutes before he hung up and he never said anything to me?

What kind of contact would you start with? 
What kind of communication plan would you implement that avoid less conflict? 
I already tried to limit communication, I stopped engaging him when he attacks me and insults me, what else can I do?


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## bbbbbbb811

Maybe I will be the only one but I wouldn't try co parent. For 5 years he has been abusive, raped you and that isn't someone I would want looking after my child. Verbal abuse in an argument is one thing but he has been physically violent on more than one occasion (and I'm so sorry you had to go through that :hugs:) 5 years is a long time and not have a relationship by now, he doesn't want it to work otherwise he would of made more effort by now, he is probably being pressured by people who know he has a daughter and doesn't want to admit what a lazy dad he has been so pretends to be a dad again(like with his girlfriend and family)m Hope you get it sorted and he doesnt cause you any more problems!


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## daniyaaq

I do completely agree that he is being pressured to have a relationship with her, but a part of me, I don't know maybe I'm falling for his verbal abuse but at times I feel like I'm playing a part in them not having a relationship. 

Just want to try so I can say I did and he doesn't have room to accuse me of doing anything wrong.


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## daneuse27

Dude, he RAPED you. This is not something that can just be shrugged off. My stomach turns at just the thought of my daughter being alone with a someone who is a verbally abusive rapist. Even if you just did 'supervised' visits, it still wouldn't work, because he clearly doesn't respect your boundaries if he's raped you, as well as tried to do it again numerous times. 

Even the rape aside, he still insults you, makes demands, and has no respect. It's hard to co-parent with someone like that. I would not make any effort at all at this point. And if he makes any more demands, then I would tell him you're not proceeding any further with his father-daughter relationship until he turns himself into the police for rape. That would at least prove that he admits what he did was wrong, and intends to do the time, and change. But right now, Im seeing no willingness on his side to change and that scares me. I hate to think of your daughter being treated the way you've been treated at the hands of this creep.


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## KylasBaby

I'm with the others. I don't know why you would want there to be a relationship. He has raped and sexually assaulted you! Not sure how you can trust him especially with a small child. And he's also verbally abusive. Someone that is sexually, physically and verbally abusive isn't good for a child to be around. He doesn't try to initiate contact so i would do both yourself and your daughter a favor and just leave it alone. She's 5 now and will be much more aware of things than if she was a baby. 

As the pp said, he keeps doing these these things so he has no desire to change. I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that with my child. I think you're both better off without him.


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## malia

daneuse27 said:


> Dude, he RAPED you. This is not something that can just be shrugged off. My stomach turns at just the thought of my daughter being alone with a someone who is a verbally abusive rapist. Even if you just did 'supervised' visits, it still wouldn't work, because he clearly doesn't respect your boundaries if he's raped you, as well as tried to do it again numerous times.
> 
> Even the rape aside, he still insults you, makes demands, and has no respect. It's hard to co-parent with someone like that. I would not make any effort at all at this point. And if he makes any more demands, then I would tell him you're not proceeding any further with his father-daughter relationship until he turns himself into the police for rape. That would at least prove that he admits what he did was wrong, and intends to do the time, and change. But right now, Im seeing no willingness on his side to change and that scares me. I hate to think of your daughter being treated the way you've been treated at the hands of this creep.

^^^^^ this

Why do you want your child around somebody who thinks rape, and speaking to you the way he does, is ok? I would consider his behaviour grounds to completely cut him off from my child's life.


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## OnErth&InHvn

get a court order in place and leave him out of it as much as possible!


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## jessmke

daneuse27 said:


> Dude, he RAPED you. This is not something that can just be shrugged off. My stomach turns at just the thought of my daughter being alone with a someone who is a verbally abusive rapist. Even if you just did 'supervised' visits, it still wouldn't work, because he clearly doesn't respect your boundaries if he's raped you, as well as tried to do it again numerous times.
> 
> Even the rape aside, he still insults you, makes demands, and has no respect. It's hard to co-parent with someone like that. I would not make any effort at all at this point. And if he makes any more demands, then I would tell him you're not proceeding any further with his father-daughter relationship until he turns himself into the police for rape. That would at least prove that he admits what he did was wrong, and intends to do the time, and change. But right now, Im seeing no willingness on his side to change and that scares me. I hate to think of your daughter being treated the way you've been treated at the hands of this creep.

Agree with this 100%. I would be getting a restraining order against this creep. I would not want someone with a history of verbal and sexual abuse to be an influence in my daughter's life.


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## JumpingIn

Run, run, run


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## DreamCatcher_

I agree with all the other comments, why would you want this person near your child? I know it's hard having a FOB who doesn't seem to care about their child, but in the long run your child will be much happier without a forced relationship and you will be much better off too.

Soon your child will start to notice how her daddy is, and that's not something you should be okay with.


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## Noria

Get a restraining order against him and keep your daughter away from him!


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