# Anyone have the bad dreams come back close to DueDate?



## 3xscharmer

So, I've always been a vivid dreamer and after losing Zane at 17 weeks I did have a few bad dreams, but they stopped, until recently anyways. My due date is in exactly 2 weeks and I keep dreaming that I'm looking for my baby and I can't find him, so I spend the dreams in agonizing fear because I can't find my baby and I don't know where he is and I wake up crying and usually have a bad day because I understand those dreams and they make me even more incredibly sadder than I normally am. Just wondering if anyone else has been there and if it's normal...although how losing a child can ever be normal is beyond me. Just don't want to feel alone I guess because misery loves company and I am so friggin miserable!


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## Hopefulagain

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy Zane. I just wanted you to know that you are not at all alone. My daughter's due date is not until April 26 (we lost her at 21 weeks in December), and I'm not much of a vivid dreamer but I do remember some of my dreams. From what I can remember, I have not had bad dreams but I do wake up some mornings severely depressed and it does affect the rest of my day. There just seem to be some mornings when I am _more_ aware of the fact that my child is dead, its final and she is NOT coming back. I'm not sure if I have actually been having bad dreams on those nights that I just don't remember or what. But I certainly can relate to your experience. Please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone.


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Zane. 
I lost my beautiful Ava Sofia at 22 weeks and it will be 2 yrs. March 3rd/
I did have dreams and sometimes when I am alone I hear a baby crying :cry: it is just so sad, but it seems SO real. I hear the cry when I am wide awake, so I jump up and then realize it is only in my mind , still hurts though.

I dream Of Ava all the time so yes it is very normal and probably a way of our heart coping with this massive grief. Don't ever feel alone, I promise you are not. If you ever need me to talk or anything, I am always here.

All My love, Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Mahoghani

Right after Silver was born I had a lot of very morbid, disturbing dreams. Seeing him after he was born was very traumatic for me and I woke up in a cold sweat nightly for weeks afterward. They've subsided for now but I still have another month before his due date. The closer it gets the more I feel anxiety resurfacing... Of course that might just be PMS horemones. They hit me worse since he was born for some reason. I've started tracking how big he would be again... This week he'd be 36 weeks. I know it isn't healthy. To keep tracking where he would have been. But I can't seem to help myself. Maybe after his due date has passed I'll be able to let that go...


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## ginny83

My son's due date was 3rd April, I lost him at 16 weeks in October.

I don't have dreams that much about him, but I think about him a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get over this. 

I'm not looking forward to his due date, it kinda feels like a timebomb ticking away getting closer and closer


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## Andypanda6570

Mahoghani said:


> Right after Silver was born I had a lot of very morbid, disturbing dreams. Seeing him after he was born was very traumatic for me and I woke up in a cold sweat nightly for weeks afterward. They've subsided for now but I still have another month before his due date. The closer it gets the more I feel anxiety resurfacing... Of course that might just be PMS horemones. They hit me worse since he was born for some reason. I've started tracking how big he would be again... This week he'd be 36 weeks. I know it isn't healthy. To keep tracking where he would have been. But I can't seem to help myself. Maybe after his due date has passed I'll be able to let that go...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I also did the same as you, it is healthy and it is normal, very normal. It is our way of coping, this will pass and you will stop tracking. I kept my pregnancy ticker here on BNB cause I could not take it down, I left it up for a long time and then one day I took it down and replaced it with a ticker of losing Ava . Don't ever feel alone in your feelings, cause I can almost guarantee you aren't..XOXOXXOOOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks guys, glad to know I'm not alone. 
AndyPanda - glad you pointed out that the keeping track of milestones is normal, I do that too. And thank you so much for always being there for me, it means so much and I will never fully be able to express my gratitude for your kind words.

Hopefulagain - same here, I remember most dreams and they really set me on edge for the day and I just can't seem to shake them. Thank you for sharing your experience and comfort.

Maho - I'm on edge too, due date is in 5 days and I feel like just losing it! I'm kinda angry and this really isn't fair. I keep up with milestones too, I started doing that again when I got that overwhelming need to paint the nursery and I just couldn't seem to stop myself so after I painted I counted up my dates and sure enough, I would have been 32-33 weeks at the time and that's when I had planned to paint. It was like somewhere in my head my mind recognized that I SHOULD be preparing for a baby. I also go over to the third tri section and torture myself with looking at bumps and knowing that should be me and wondering if I'd be carrying higher or lower than those ladies. That IS really unhealthy and I don't stay long, but it sometimes comforts me in some weird way knowing that those babies are going to be born alive and healthy and screaming. Plus I was friends with some of them and want to see how they got on.

ginny - absolutely a time bomb, I know that feeling. I break down and cry at random times still even though it's been 5 months now and even when I'm not actively thinking about him, I still feel that loss, it's like it's a part of me even if I'm smiling or laughing at something funny, the sadness, the feeling of loss is still there. It's kind of comforting to me though to know that no matter how happy I am in any given moment, I still feel the pain of losing my son and that pain is really the only thing I have left of him, it's a part of me now, it's who I am and it is my constant reminder that he was here and he was loved and I will never forget him, never stop loving him.

So, 5 days away and thankfully, my dreams have been much more kind to me lately. I have been dreaming of love and happiness and I wake up still feeling the love of my dreams. Course I'm still falling apart, but my DH has decided that I deserve a new wedding ring (mine doesn't fit b/c I dropped 10lbs after losing Zane from not eating) and I have been spending every waking moment looking for the perfect ring and loving on my DD. We are also trying to get my cousin who's two from foster care and hope to adopt him in the future, but everything is still in early stages but so far things are going our way. Hope everyone else is doing okay. Thank all of you again for reaching out to me, still miserable and still loving the company. Hope we all find our healing and rainbow babies, no matter how they come to us.


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## Andypanda6570

Ava's 2yrs Anniversary is coming up on March 3rd and I am just crying so much lately. I can't believe it has been this long . I can't believe how my happiness was turned into horror and heartbreak. I was so excited just to be pregnant , but them to know she was a girl , I was just so happy.

I still search for the answer why this beautiful little Butterfly had to leave us, I miss her so much. She would have been 16 months and walking and laughing and spending her days and nights with her family..

It is so earth shattering this pain. I wish to God she was here. Nothing , tears, broken heart, praying will bring her back.. I know I have done them all. :(

You just get stuck in this horrific pain that never leaves, it never leaves.

XOXOOX


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## 3xscharmer

Andypanda6570 said:


> Ava's 2yrs Anniversary is coming up on March 3rd and I am just crying so much lately. I can't believe it has been this long . I can't believe how my happiness was turned into horror and heartbreak. I was so excited just to be pregnant , but them to know she was a girl , I was just so happy.
> 
> I still search for the answer why this beautiful little Butterfly had to leave us, I miss her so much. She would have been 16 months and walking and laughing and spending her days and nights with her family..
> 
> It is so earth shattering this pain. I wish to God she was here. Nothing , tears, broken heart, praying will bring her back.. I know I have done them all. :(
> 
> You just get stuck in this horrific pain that never leaves, it never leaves.
> 
> XOXOOX


I'm falling apart too, I feel so off balanced. I find myself falling apart at random times and then I usually feel restless, like I'm supposed to be doing something and of course that gut-retching pain that makes me want to just scream until I can't scream anymore. I wish I could change things for us, wish that this pain wasn't real, just another one of my bad and vivid dreams and that we could wake up...but this is our lives and yes, we have to live with this un-ending pain for the rest of our days. Just 3 1/2 more days until my due date, I don't think we are going to do anything special but cry, his birthday we'll release balloons and celebrate that he was born, but his due date is a day of mourning, meant to be spent with tears and pain. This just really sucks. So sorry you are still in so much pain, what are we supposed to be doing? Hoping you know because I have no friggin clue.


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## Mahoghani

Just under two weeks until Silver's due date. March 3rd... I keep trying not to think about it but I find myself increasingly sad "for no reason." If I stop and let myself think about it I know exactly what the reason is. But I try not to. 

We were going to start trying again this month. The closer it gets the more I'm not sure I'm ready. I keep thinking I'll feel different once we pass his due date. That I'll feel closure. Ready to start looking to the future. But the closer it gets the more I think March 3rd isn't going to be a magic date when I'm going to suddenly start feeling like the night mare is over. 

To make matters... more complex, a friend of mine is due in March. She was supposed to be induced March 21st but she is already dilating and I can't help but think wouldn't it be funny if she delivered on Silver's due date. Funny and kind of awful. She's having a boy and as it is I am struggling to detach myself from her and her pregnancy. She is so close to where I would have been. If she has Ayden on Silver's due date... I don't know how I will cope with that. :nope:


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## Andypanda6570

I don't know what I am doing on March 3rd, just crying and going to this horrible cemetery and bringing balloons again?

I did order a special little graphic from Carly Marie she makes beautiful things only for our lost little babies-children. I will probably just sit alone and cry like I always do, wishing someone could take my pain away.

I can't believe this is my life now? WTF did I do-we do to deserve this :cry:


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## SCJ110212

3xscharmer said:


> Just don't want to feel alone I guess because misery loves company and I am so friggin miserable!

You are not alone, I have been in the exact position that you are in. Actually, I am still experiencing just what you are describing. Although, within my dreams, I see my little girl growing up and I am with her father, just the perfect little family and I wake up upset. The smallest things that resemble a pregnancy or a baby, kills me. So, I understand and empathize with you. I lost my little girl Scarlet Chelsea, back in July but did not actually starting dealing with my loss of her until late October. I had recurring nightmares for the week surrounding her due date, as well as the day of which she was conceived, and the day I found out and all the little memories that I have memorized that seem insignificant. I am so sorry for your loss and I am here to talk if you need to. :cry:


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## gnomette

My dreams came back what did you do to make them stop I wake up sweaty an like I have just run miles with no water my mouth is so dry what did you do to stop it all x


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## Andypanda6570

gnomette said:


> My dreams came back what did you do to make them stop I wake up sweaty an like I have just run miles with no water my mouth is so dry what did you do to stop it all x

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

They will eventually stop, i think that comes when acceptance comes. It probably took me a good 6 to 8 months to finally accept my Ava's death. I dreamed of having a girl, after 3 boys it was only natural for me. It was 12 yrs since I had a baby my boys were 21, 19 and 12 when i got pregnant by accident at the age of 40. Finally got my little girl and then in an instance she was gone, it is just devastating. I think acceptance comes to us at different times, it will come for you. If you ever need to talk I am always here XOXO Andrea


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## missdion

I don't know how this works yet, so I'm hoping it isn't rude of me to get into a conversation that's already been started.

The experience I have with nightmares happend after my miscarriage, in 2010, I'd dream that was delivering a baby [i'm a ob/gyn, please don't hate on this you guys, I know some doctors are really shitty... but I don't think i've ever EVER mistreated a patient of mine.] and the mother didn't have a face, somehow I knew it was me, and I tried and tried and I just couldn't do it... finally, when the baby came out it would be dead. And that was when i'd wake up crying and shivering. it happend constantly right in the first months after the miscarriage and three times in the due date week. 

With my second loss it hasn't happend since I can only sleep with heavy medication. :(


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> I don't know how this works yet, so I'm hoping it isn't rude of me to get into a conversation that's already been started.
> 
> The experience I have with nightmares happend after my miscarriage, in 2010, I'd dream that was delivering a baby [i'm a ob/gyn, please don't hate on this you guys, I know some doctors are really shitty... but I don't think i've ever EVER mistreated a patient of mine.] and the mother didn't have a face, somehow I knew it was me, and I tried and tried and I just couldn't do it... finally, when the baby came out it would be dead. And that was when i'd wake up crying and shivering. it happend constantly right in the first months after the miscarriage and three times in the due date week.
> 
> With my second loss it hasn't happend since I can only sleep with heavy medication. :(

I am SO sorry for your losses :hugs::hugs::hugs: I also need medication now to sleep. It is just something i need or I will be up all night. I think of Ava and then some things that has happened and I just talk in my sleep and toss and turn, it is horrible. I would just rather take a pill and sleep through all this sadness . If you ever need a friend I am always here, Andrea :hugs:


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## missdion

i'm sorry for your loss too! :(

and yeah, the medication helps. the problem is, when i take it (pretty much every night) I feel dizzy the entire day... really dizzy, like I`m about to faint.
for now, it doesn`t matter, I don`t even wanna get out of bed anyways, but...

I`m already scared for when I`ll have to go back to work... cause, the dosage will HAVE to go down so I`ll be able to function... and I feel like it`s gonna be one hell of a struggle.


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> i'm sorry for your loss too! :(
> 
> and yeah, the medication helps. the problem is, when i take it (pretty much every night) I feel dizzy the entire day... really dizzy, like I`m about to faint.
> for now, it doesn`t matter, I don`t even wanna get out of bed anyways, but...
> 
> I`m already scared for when I`ll have to go back to work... cause, the dosage will HAVE to go down so I`ll be able to function... and I feel like it`s gonna be one hell of a struggle.

Maybe you can take it like 2 hrs before bed time and that might help with the dizziness. I just take the Xanax, it puts me right out. I take it like 7:30 and I am out by 10 10:30 pm/ If I take it during the day I also feel dizzy and exhausted. It is going to be a struggle , but you will get through this, never over it, but through it and we all are here to help, I promise.
XOXOXOOXOX :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## missdion

Thanks... it's really nice of you! :)


yeah, things got a little more complicated with me, i had a few panic attacks that got pretty bad, so my stuff is a little heavier, i'm taking sertraline and rivotril (clonazepam). If i don't take it i start shaking and hyperventilating... :( 

And i can't really seem nervous around patients, i work with pregnant women (yaaay me!) they need to trust me otherwise they freak out... so... i don't know what i'm gonna do about that! :S


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> Thanks... it's really nice of you! :)
> 
> 
> yeah, things got a little more complicated with me, i had a few panic attacks that got pretty bad, so my stuff is a little heavier, i'm taking sertraline and rivotril (clonazepam). If i don't take it i start shaking and hyperventilating... :(
> 
> And i can't really seem nervous around patients, i work with pregnant women (yaaay me!) they need to trust me otherwise they freak out... so... i don't know what i'm gonna do about that! :S

OMG that must be so hard being around pregnant women :cry: in the beginning days of my loss I would not been able to have done that. As long as the medication is helping then take it , how long are you taking it? I go on and off of mine , most days I am ok but I have those days when I am just very sad..
It is just horrible :hugs::hugs:


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## missdion

Oh no, I haven't gone back yet! Will have to soon though... 
I'm an ob/gyn. Need to be 100% to go back, it's a lot of responsibility, other people's babies! 
The medication has been really helpful, I've tried to go a few days w/o it, god, it was hell. 
I'm doing fine with pregnancies generally, I get texts from patients on a daily basis! I'll admit I cry a little when they come with pictures of newborns but... 
:) thanks!


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> Oh no, I haven't gone back yet! Will have to soon though...
> I'm an ob/gyn. Need to be 100% to go back, it's a lot of responsibility, other people's babies!
> The medication has been really helpful, I've tried to go a few days w/o it, god, it was hell.
> I'm doing fine with pregnancies generally, I get texts from patients on a daily basis! I'll admit I cry a little when they come with pictures of newborns but...
> :) thanks!

OMG LOL. I don't mean to laugh but how ironic..............:hugs:
OMG that must be so hard. WOW.. I agree you definitely have to be 100% to back to work.. You will be ok,,XOOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## missdion

You know that doctor of yours that treated you like crap? All of you ladies, remember him/her? 
That's on me! I'm paying for them! Only plausible explanation for this hell I'm in. Haha
It is! Absurdly ironic! You can laugh it's ok! 
Imagine this, when I do go back, I'll deliver about 4-6 babies/week, all the pictures all the crying and thankful parents! 
Can't wait! Hehe (irony intended) 
I think I'm gonna become one of those crazy barren ladies with dogs... 
Oh god! :(


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> You know that doctor of yours that treated you like crap? All if you ladies, remember him/her?
> That's on me! I'm paying for them! Only plausible explanation for this hell I'm in. Haha
> It is! Absurdly ironic! You can laugh it's ok!
> Imagine this, when I do go back, I'll deliver about 4-6 babies/week, all the pictures all the crying and thankful parents!
> Can't wait! Hehe (irony intended)
> I think I'm gonna become one of those crazy barren ladies with dogs...
> Oh god! :(

NOooo I didn't mean it like that, I meant your an OBGYN and now you have to be around babies all the time :cry: Sorry I didn't mean to laugh, but my God it is so weird.. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

I am sitting here thinking how hard it will be for you just to go back to work but an OBGYN, omg that is hard :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## missdion

It's ok Andrea, I mean it! 
I've laughed myself... It is very weird! I've been going through a little personal hell! Texts, hate email, bumping into babies I've delivered, getting paged in the middle of the night cause the nurse FORGOT I was in medical leave... All sorts if crazy things!
And yeah, it is hard, but it's hard for all if us, right? :/


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## missdion

You seem pretty amazed with the OBGYN detail! Haha... Yeah, it kinda blows now. But I love my job! :) so I'm guessing (hoping) at some point I'll be okay enough to go back to being who I was as a doctor.


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## Andypanda6570

missdion said:


> It's ok Andrea, I mean it!
> I've laughed myself... It is very weird! I've been going through a little personal hell! Texts, hate email, bumping into babies I've delivered, getting paged in the middle of the night cause the nurse FORGOT I was in medical leave... All sorts if crazy things!
> And yeah, it is hard, but it's hard for all if us, right? :/

I would imagine it would be very hard :hugs: I really hope things get gentler on you, maybe coming here and talking will help a little :hugs:

I think sometimes we have to laugh ,sometimes just to get through the day.
They say laughing is good for the soul . How long before you go back to work?
:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## missdion

it is hard, I`m not gonna lie to you. I`ve been as low as can be. :cry: it`s pretty much rock bottom, 50ft of crap and then me, as Rachel (friends) would say... 
it`s been very helpful coming here, I must admit it took me a week to get over my pride and write the damn post! :( don`t know if you've read it but it`s there! hehe

as for work, my leave is psychiatric, since I tried going back to work already, and... it wasn`t pretty... let`s just say that! so I don`t really have a death line, but, me and my doctor have been talking about it, and as soon as we can work the medication into a level I`d be able to function, I`m going back. :wacko:


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## 3xscharmer

gnomette said:


> My dreams came back what did you do to make them stop I wake up sweaty an like I have just run miles with no water my mouth is so dry what did you do to stop it all x

They do stop, mine flared up around the due date but after that they kinda went away again. I haven't had any for a couple of weeks now. I think that I have accepted Zane's loss, passing the due date was so hard but I made it through and I really think that it was the stress and anxiety of the approaching due date that brought them on. I hope yours calm down too. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

AFM - don't know if I mentioned the adoption on here, but it fell through, it just didn't feel right. DH and I are going to ttc soon and I am excited and hopeful, so I think that means I am ready now. I just don't think I was full on ready to give up ttc and go the adoption route yet. Things seem to be going okay, I can laugh now, but even while laughing I still feel that sadness, it's always there, even when I'm happy Zane's always missing. I have found that having something to focus on really helps, DH let me pick out a new ring for our 5 year wedding anniversary coming up in May because he felt I deserve it! So it is replacing my wedding set and it took over a month to find but I love it. I recently started Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and ripped in 30, so focusing on that is helping too. I know I'm rambling here, just not sure what to say at the moment other than the usual...THIS STILL FRIGGIN SUCKS! I'm still hurt, angry, emotional and in so much pain that it hurts to breathe...but that qualifies as being ok right? Bad humor lol! I am adjusting to this level of pain and it is becoming a part of me and in truth I am thankful for it as aside from his ashes, pain is my constant reminder that Zane was here and the love I felt for him is never ending. Hope you gals are doing as okay as you can :hugs:


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## gnomette

It will be a year in may an the dreams they just are getting worse turning into flash backs at times its odd x
it sounds to me like your taking some really positive steps to keep going an yay for the new wedding ring set x we started ttc in September an still trying lol but only one tube has its disadvantages lol more bad humour lol 
I hope that it doesn't take you too long x


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## Mahoghani

Sometimes I have this feeling like something is wrong and I can't put my finger on it. Sometimes it's to the point of panic, like if I don't figure out what it is something horrible is going to happen. Then I realize what it is. It's the pain. Just kinda lingering around the edges of everything else going on in my life. Just hanging out there... I know what you mean by it just becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. And that it is almost welcome because it is a reminder that my baby was here. The bad dreams come and go, seemingly for no reason. I'm getting used to them too. I thought they'd go away after his due date passed. They didn't. Not entirely. They're less frequent, more sporadic but they still pop up probably once a week or so. 
I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I wish I didn't have to say that. I've said it so many times and meant it every time but the frequency seems like it makes it mean less. But I am, so sorry. I wish none of us had to endure this pain. :(


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## 3xscharmer

gnomette said:


> It will be a year in may an the dreams they just are getting worse turning into flash backs at times its odd x
> it sounds to me like your taking some really positive steps to keep going an yay for the new wedding ring set x we started ttc in September an still trying lol but only one tube has its disadvantages lol more bad humour lol
> I hope that it doesn't take you too long x

My dreams have been really nice lately, I think my subconscious knows I can't handle it right now. I'm sorry about the flashbacks, I hope they ease off soon. I imagine as I approach Zane's 1st b-day the dreams will be back :( If I haven't said so before, I am so sorry for your loss.
Love the bad humor, sometimes it's all we have lol! Hope that it doesn't take you long either, getting pregnant isn't usually hard for me, keeping them seems to be the biggest problem and test after test after test all say we're normal...uggh! 

So, is there a group for us ttc after second tri loss anywhere?


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## 3xscharmer

Mahoghani said:


> Sometimes I have this feeling like something is wrong and I can't put my finger on it. Sometimes it's to the point of panic, like if I don't figure out what it is something horrible is going to happen. Then I realize what it is. It's the pain. Just kinda lingering around the edges of everything else going on in my life. Just hanging out there... I know what you mean by it just becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. And that it is almost welcome because it is a reminder that my baby was here. The bad dreams come and go, seemingly for no reason. I'm getting used to them too. I thought they'd go away after his due date passed. They didn't. Not entirely. They're less frequent, more sporadic but they still pop up probably once a week or so.
> I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I wish I didn't have to say that. I've said it so many times and meant it every time but the frequency seems like it makes it mean less. But I am, so sorry. I wish none of us had to endure this pain. :(

I feel like that too, it doesn't always immediately register WHY I'm in pain, only that I AM in pain and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I hope your dreams treat you kindly, it just sucks, one of my worst was where I spent the entire dream looking for my son and couldn't find him, when I woke up I just felt so lost and I REALLY FELT that intense panic until I remembered why I couldn't find him. It sucks. Thank you and so very sorry for your loss too, I say that a lot as well but I always mean it to, you made me cry!


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