# StepSon and Girlfriend pregnant in H.S.



## StepinMD

Found out a few days ago through StepSon's facebook account that he and his girlfriend have gotten pregnant. They are both still in H.S., though SS is 18 and the girlfriend is 17. They have no job's, diploma's or driver's license. When confronted about the situation, he initially lied...lied...then finally admitted it. Apparently everyone in the girlfriends' family knew about the pregnancy, my stepson did not warrant us important enough for this info. The BioMother of my StepSon, myself and his dad (my husband)are disgusted by the fact that this was a PLANNED pregnancy and they want to get married. Yeah. My SS even posted to the girlfriend's mother that the pregnancy was NOT a mistake and he does not regret using a condom.



SS's BioMom and my husband decided it was best to ship his butt to another state to live with his grandmother and finish H.S. out there. His plane actually leaves tomorrow at 3pm.

The day after my husband and I confronted him, SS tells us his girlfriend had a miscarraige. Something smelled fishy to me so I logged into his email account (Ok'd by dad)and found that the day after the supposed miscariage, the girlfriend emailed a pic of an ultrasound. 



Now some fact checking...SS said they had unprotected sex on July 25th and that they baby was going to be due on May 4th 2013. The ultrasound sent in the email is not of a fetus that is a couple weeks old. Period. I have had three kids myself and believe me when I say that ultrasound has to date a pregnancy at 7-10 weeks. 

She is either a nutbag and lied about being pregnant, sending a random picture or maybe he is lying to his dad, BM and myself in order to stay at home. The girlfriend's mother has made an offer to let my SS live with her. How very white trash of her.



There have been other issues with my SS(i.e. getting a job, H.S. GPA 1.8 etc.) He does not engage in drugs or alcohol.



I would love to see him gone, even from a values' standpoint as my kids are ages 8, 6 and 4...his half brothers and sister. What the heck do I tell my daughter if the girlfriend is still pregnant? If they are still pregnant then this would be the BM and his dad's grandkid. My husband's grandkid. Maybe not my grandkid as I am just the Stepmom, but the baby would still be an extension of my family. As much as I HATE them for this situation, I do not want to be the b**ch and foresake a baby that needs help. I did stress that adoption in matters such as this were the BEST option for everyone. The baby goes to a loving home where his/her needs and wants are met and the SS/girlfriend can growup to become parents much later in life.

Please, I need some straigh-up, no nonsense advice. Are we stupid to kick him out or do I need a smack upside my head?



From a Step Mom in Maryland
:nope:


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## Liesje

I think it would be even harder to explain to your children how a parent could disown their child and send them out of state.


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## TaliaAndKalia

Liesje said:


> I think it would be even harder to explain to your children how a parent could disown their child and send them out of state.

I agree!


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## Muppet

I think you adults need to do some growing up.
Yes, they were silly for planning a baby in their circumstances, but fact is, there's a baby involved.

Personally I can't see how his girlfriends mother inviting him to live with her is white trash at all. It would mean he'd be a proper father and have to deal with day to day troubles of being a parent equally and not abandon this kind of thing on his girlfriend. Plus I think shes in her right mind offering that when the only other option is to be kicked out and sent away from shaming the family, or whatever reason you're giving for doing that.

You also have no right invading his privacy the way you have, especially when youre not even his mum, dispite any 'permission' from his father. A mature adult would surely just confront him and ask for an explanation, WITHOUT consequences for what he admits to, such as sending him away.

You'd never be able to keep it a secret from your children anyway. People talk, and if she's still pregnant, your stepson will STILL contact her regardless of where you send him.

At a time they both need support you're all pushing them both away. If she has that baby and let's you adults be a part of that baby's life you should consider yourselves VERY lucky.

I don't care if other people agree with me. I find your post and your attitude disgusting.
I'm even hoping this thread gets locked as you aren't a teenage mother, nor are you helping or advising.


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## StepinMD

Good advise, thank you. My problem is that he refuses to get a job (always says he is turning in applications when I know for a fact that he is not) and he is living with me and his dad and my three young kids. 

I have extreme serious doubts to his ability to support a baby emotionally and finacially and my husband (his dad) absolutely does not want, and cannot, support him much longer. My stepson should have graduated with the class of 2012. In this state, in order to graduate, one needs to pass 4 basic tests in biology, math, engligh and govt. After taking the tests over a dozen times, he has only recently passed two of them.

Even knowing his girlfriend was pregnant, he did not get a job. If there is a baby still, I want this baby to be a part of the family, just have a problem supporting a deadbeat. 

We cannot forbid him to do anything as he is 18, all my husband and I can do is stop supporting him by not paying for cell phone, extra clothes, "fun" money. But we have already done that and have nothing left.

I feel like the only one in the family that actually cares that if
1)if she is actually pregnant
2)how in the world can my stepson even think to start a family when he cannot even remember to change the sheets on his bed

My husband already booked the flight and the idea was not to disown him but to smack some sense in him. Life where he is heading will not be easy with his grandma and uncle. If there is a baby, he will graduate about the same time as the due date.


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## TaliaAndKalia

I think as parents, you need to be there for them.
I got pregnant at 16 and had my baby 2 months ago. I'm not 17 until december. My mum still supported me. They are going to do whatever they want to do whether you agree with it or not. I agree it's disrespectful of them to not think you important enough to know and to brag how it was planned when they are NOT in any position to have a baby. I think the fact they are lying to you probably shows they do respect you. Most teens who don't respect their parents will openly tell them the deal, because they don't care.

This girl is obviously keeping the baby, so you sending the childs dad to another state isn't going to help the situation one single bit. It's just gonna make her a single mum, and leave your grandchild with no father. 

I'm not saying throw a party and invite the family round for celebrations but sit down with them and have a MATURE, ADULT conversation.
It all seems very childish, snooping into email accounts and keeping secrets. This is a big thing and it needs to be discussed. You and your husband need to sit them down and tell your step-son, if they want this baby he needs to sort his life out, grow up and get a job etc. It's possible. I was immature, barely out of school, liked to drink and smoke. Soon as I found out I was pregnant and had that talk with my mum, I went out and found myself a job straight away and grew up for the sake of my daughter! 

As for the ultrasound.. maybe they were guessing how far along they were, as if they hadn't had a scan the doctor would be going off LMP dates? I thought I was 4 weeks pregnant, had a scan and I was 11+3. Or, they were lying to soften the blow to you? I don't know.:shrug:

As the other reply said, it'll be harder to explain to your other children that you've made their brother leave his pregnant girlfriend and unborn child because you don't like the fact she's pregnant. It will definitely scare your children. Not into not getting pregnant like a lot of people think. But into never speaking to you about problems they have. You'll probably find yourself in the same situation in 10 years, finding out through other people that your child is pregnant/got a girl pregnant. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, though :flower:


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## Muppet

I think you've gone about your original post in the wrong way then, your concern would have perhaps been more valid and seem less of a plot to rid your family of the 'shame'

So you can't smack sense into him without sending him away? If you stop financially supporting him he'll realise he has to step up when his baby is not automatically receiving the world without him working.
If he has no problem with that then I sincerely hope his girlfriend see's sense and leaves him. If my boyfriend wasn't doing all he could for our little girl I highly doubt he'd have a place in her life. However, I'm extremely lucky and not only is he providing her with the world, he's also working his ass off to provide for me too.

Maybe try talking to him and giving examples of his lifes outcome if he acts in certain ways. Such as gettin a job and graduating, that would give him and his little family some stability and things to be proud of, and a progressing life.


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## TaliaAndKalia

If he's 18 and you can't force him to do anything, how do you even know he will go away? Surely, he'd just move in with his girlfriend.. seeing as the offer is there anyway!


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## Muppet

Very well said Talia, and for an originally immature 16 year old, I think that advise is extremely mature and actually brilliant!:thumbup:


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## StepinMD

Thank you for the advise as I am very clueless in this situation. Being a stepmom does not give me much room in the decision making process but at least I can put my thoughts in.

Years ago I worked with some really great teen mommies that actually had the support of daddies. I am at the point now that I do not care how the pregnancy became to fruition, I just know in my heart that my stepson will end up disappointing his girlfriend.

My stepson had a friend over today and he was not quiet at all when describing that he will end up moving to the girlfriends house and bragging, "...free food and free rent". 

Maybe being just the step mom I should bow out but its hard to disengage when the girlfriends family and my stepson did not want us to know. 

I know in my heart that after the initial "disappointment speech" my husband would have given, if my stepson just owned up and told the truth...things might be different. 

In the end, my stepson is 18 and legally an adult. He can go wherever he wants to. If he wanted to stay here at home, all he had to do was get a job and pay for his own bills, that is all. 

I am more than willing to help out his girlfriend directly, I personally will not give him monetary support.


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## StepinMD

TaliaAndKalia said:


> If he's 18 and you can't force him to do anything, how do you even know he will go away? Surely, he'd just move in with his girlfriend.. seeing as the offer is there anyway!

His girlfriend lives with her father and two younger siblings. Her mother lives several states away with 5 other kids of her own. Apparently her father is the only one in her family that does not know she is pregnant (or shall I say maybe pregnant?)

I am really not sure how him moving in with her mother would work out. Maybe he would actually get a job there.

Odd thing here, I asked my stepson directly several days ago whether he feels his own baby would be safer here or at his girlfriend's mom's house. Quickly he answered, here at home with us. When I asked him why, he just mumbled, "I don't know". 

I am going to ask him again shortly (when his dad comes home in about 30 minutes)if his girlfriend is really still pregnant. At this point, I just need one little tidbit of truth and then I can possible begin to bully him.

By "bully him" I mean by making him work enough hours to safely put into savings about $100 a week. God, I cannot even get him to pick up the dog waste in the backyard.


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## TaliaAndKalia

Muppet said:


> Very well said Talia, and for an originally immature 16 year old, I think that advise is extremely mature and actually brilliant!:thumbup:

Haha, thank you :) not hard to grow up when you have such an amazing reason to! :cloud9: x


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## Muppet

You should probably speak to your husband and his mother (depending on if you have a relationship with her obviously, you can always get DH to instead) and get them to be a bit more pro-active unconvincing him then.
Give him the chance by saying things like 'I'd love you to stay here, until you're on your own two feet and ready to move out, but it isn't going to be free and you will need to get a job'

Being positive is always more encouraging than being negative.
If you're not careful, you'll all lose him and his child. Might be best to forget the past at this moment in time and just focus on the future and not boxing him in acting like he's not going to do anything, when you can encourage better behaviour.

You could even get him a job yourself and just tell him 'you start blah blah, you didn't even have to go out and get the job so now you can put all your efforts into working it instead' and just state that you're more than happy to have him around but he has to contribute financially being an adult, and that he has the means to do so now.


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## TaliaAndKalia

Oh right, ok, I see. Well, living in someone else's house, he'd probably have to get a job. Unless they're willing to give him a free ride? I think finding out if she's even really pregnant is the first thing you need to do! 

Unfortunately a lot of young men, don't see the responsibility until the baby is actually born. Some.. never at all.
But you, your son, your husband, his girlfriend, her parents, aren't the first people in this situation and won't be the last. 

I'm sure everyone here will tell you the same thing we have, support them! But in the end it's your choice and you need to talk about it. 

Supporting them doesn't have to mean financial support. Just be there. Let them feel like they can talk to you. From the second he feels like he can actually come to you with what's on his mind and get a half nice response, you're gonna get through to him about the job thing a whole lot easier! 

And if you do end up supporting them financially.. do what my mum does.
Although, I know she trusts me, I think as a parent of a teenage parent its normal to worry. I have my own savings and Kalia's dad helps me. But if there is anything I ever need that I can't get myself, my mum will buy it. Not give me the money, but buy it herself so she knows that her "financial help" is going to my daughter, and only my daughter.


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## StepinMD

Heck, I have to admit that (if the little one is coming)I REALLY want to be able to watch him (or her)...

If my stepson does not step up past the usual, "I love you" and "I will be there for you", would it be considered strange to still kick him out and maybe my husband and I can help with the baby's needs?

If I have not said it yet, THANK YOU!! Ahh, hubby just came home....time to find out the truth!


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## Muppet

Not strange at all, and I'm sure his girlfriend would be happy to let you be a part of the baby's life.

Heaven forbid, if something ever happened between me and OH I'd still let his parents see her and be a part of her life!
Itd be wrong to deny a child their family!

Good luck.


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## TaliaAndKalia

Nope! I'd do the same. Then he'd have no choice but to fend for himself. Being there for the baby is really your main concern :) 

Good luck!


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## nicoleJOLIE

perhaps he didnt find you important enough to tell you because he knows you well enough to see what a disappoionting reaction he'd get .. sending him away ? really ? all that says to me is that the CHILD has to suffer more than anyone in the situation ... like really get smart and deal with the cards you're dealt . she's pregnant, he's going to be a dad .if he has to learn the hard way so be it .. i think most of us on here have learned the hard way and have done a damn good job . be supportive of the decision they make together and dont come on here talking about sending a FATHER away because he's gone and got his girlfriend pregnant. she's lucky. some of us dont have the option of support from our childs father - even EMOTIONAL support .. this just royally pissed me off.

BTW - im 17 , and have a baby and done well enough on my own after being a little f*cking hooligan since i was 14 .. babys change lives. . 

and another thing - a good friend of mine had a planned pregnancy , been with her childs father for 2 years and have a happpy healthy little boy! idc if it was planned or not a baby is hard work (as u must know ) but a blessing ... accept it . fuck...


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## MumToBe2012

I can understand totally you being upset, and you have a right to be, but at the end of the day your step son is family and he's gonna need you now more than ever. You need to explain to him how much his life is gonna change and how responsible he's gonna have to become because you can't mess about when you have a dependent.

Try and have faith in him because when that baby is born he might surprise you. But he'll still need your support.


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## kirsteen

I think the best thing you all can do is just support him and his GF in what ever decision they make :flower: They will have to deal with it and live with this decision for the rest of their lives... and if they fail then at least you and your husband can say you tried to be their for them and the baby. If you don't or try to force them into something they don't want, your SS will just end up resenting you. And if I'm honest, I considered adoption. And realised that I would regret for the rest of my life giving up my baby. 
The most important thing here is the baby... its hard but just be their for them despite their mistakes and decisions.. having a baby young is not the end of the world.. with the right support they can still get jobs, be educated ect... I see you're worried about your children, and I understand that.. but when things happen things have to change and you're just going to have to accept this and do your best with the new circumstances.
And you never know! this baby might give him a kick in the right direction.. he will NEED to step up and support it.:flower::hugs:


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## fairyflowers

tough love without kicking him out across town would be best in my eyes. you - if he wants, his mum, dad, and the girlfriends mum and dad maybe could speak about living arrangments, but if anything id be more hurt that i wasnt told in the first place and this would speak allot in itself


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## beanzz

Haven't bothered reading the comments cos your original post sickens me. :coffee:

All three of you wanting to send a father away from his child?! And you call her mother the white trash for her being supportive and wanting her grandchild to have both his/her parents? Something is seriously wrong here. Try a more mature approach to the situation. Sorry if this has been resolved but it still needs to be said.

Whether its a lie or not you and your husband should be supporting him and giving them the benefit of the doubt from day 1 because that's what you do for your children when you're a parent, even a step-parent. 

Don't get why teen parents get all the grief after reading this crap.


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## BrookeKeana

You need to be there for them! Planned or not, they aren't gonna know whats hit them when that baby is born. You know. They need guidance from the adults around them, not to be pushed away.


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## amygwen

^ I agree your original post sickens me. It makes my head hurt the facts you are trying to state here. As a stepmom like you said, you don't have much to say about it - especially if the biomother is in the situation too. I'd like to think that if my son ever got a girl pregnant at a young age that I would be disappointed obviously but ultimately, you chose your husband - therefore you chose his son and you SHOULD be supportive. I can't believe that you said you want him gone, why would you even say that?

The fact is here that your stepson's girlfriend is going to have a baby, they both need to grow up and realize what's going to happen. The fact that they don't have a job is unrealistic and your stepson will need to get one in order to support his family. I think his girlfriends mom is awesome for wanting to help support him by living in her house when the baby is born. Maybe one day you and your husband will understand. But I think it's unfair that you want to ship him away.

Also - if you think she's lying about the pregnancy or something, then obviously you should speak to your stepson about it and get the truth. It's not fair that he's lying about all these different things, it's really confusing and not something funny to lie/joke about.


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## tasha41

The way I'm reading your original post is that you're still going through the shock and disappointment that I think a lot of parents feel when this happens. Try to just say nothing if you can't be calm and polite. I know it's hard, but freaking out will only push them away.

I don't think your stepson sounds overly mature... and I can totally see why you are concerned. Obviously, only seeing your side of things, it seems like they've made an irresponsible decision, if he is unwilling to work to provide for himself (his baby, his girlfriend), and can't seem to get his facts straight around it all. I don't think she's miscarried if she's sending him ultrasound photos- he's probably lied to stay here with her, and I don't think he's wrong for wanting to be with her during this time. But it's time he stepped up.

I think that you really have to set any name-calling aside. It sucks (trust me, I felt awful that my aunts had to explain to my young cousins why I was having a baby, or that my brother became an uncle at 15, OHs brother was only 13, etc) but your kids will accept it and love the baby I'm sure, if they are still pregnant and make the decision to keep the baby. 

I think that an adult conversation needs to happen. They decided they were grown up enough to get pregnant, so it's time to ask how they intend to support the child. What their plans for childcare are. How they plan to finish school. What expectations they have of their parents and yourself in the baby's life. I don't think discussing adoption is a bad thing either, in my opinion it's totally reasonable to ask if they've considered it or have questions or need help finding information.

Also, if you want to make a thread in "Kids & Teenagers" you may get more responses from parents of teenagers or older children, vs. teenage parents themselves, I think that's what people are often looking for when they post in here about stuff like this (not that I don't believe there is insight to be gained from people who have been there before :))


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## Shanelley

beanzz said:


> Haven't bothered reading the comments cos your original post sickens me. :coffee:
> 
> All three of you wanting to send a father away from his child?! And you call her mother the white trash for her being supportive and wanting her grandchild to have both his/her parents? Something is seriously wrong here. Try a more mature approach to the situation. Sorry if this has been resolved but it still needs to be said.
> 
> Whether its a lie or not you and your husband should be supporting him and giving them the benefit of the doubt from day 1 because that's what you do for your children when you're a parent, even a step-parent.
> 
> Don't get why teen parents get all the grief after reading this crap.


I couldnt have said it better myself


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## MarissaFaith

I find it sad that you aren't willing to help your stepson's future child, he will be an "extension of your family." I don't think this is the place where you should post things like this either. Find a nice family counselor, and bring your problems there.


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