# I feel nothing for them.



## mechanica

I had my twins on the 21/12. Twin 1 was delivered naturally and twin 2 was a crash section. It was the most horrible experience of my life. Noone listened to anything I was saying and despite me saying I wanted to push on my side (and being insistent about this) they upped my epidural so much as soon as I laid down that I couldnt feel a thing. I have massive control issues and the feelings of being completely out of control was awful. I know the section was necessary to save my daughters life but any time I think about it I just cry and cry. These are my 2nd and 3rd children. My first was a calm waterbirth. 

The twins are now nearly 2 weeks old and I feel nothing for them. I long to be pregnant again instead of them being here. I'm meeting their needs and I don't want to hurt them or anything, I just want someone to take them away and not bring them back. 

I'm breastfeeding them with no issues mainly because I fear that if I put them on a bottle I will just leave in the middle of the night with my first born and not come back. I think they're ugly and I don't want anyone to see them. I used to really like reading the forums about pregnancies and babies and now I just can't do it. I spend the entire day crying, feeding and changing nappies. I feel so sorry that these babies are stuck with me as a mother. 

My mum is helping (I'm a single parent) with my first born and with laundry and practical stuff. I've not been out of the house (except back to the hospital) and have literally spent the last 2 weeks in bed. I have no desire to talk to anyone or see anyone. 

I feel like my life has been ruined. I don't want them anymore.


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## Alwilan

I wish I could come and give you a big hug. 
I am so sorry you are feeling so down, but I believe how you are feeling is especially common with twins, 2 babies is going to make bonding harder and the hormone crash must be immense. I had similar feelings towards my first son in the first month, like you I believe alot had to do with having a bad birthing experience, I was also a single parent and I don't think not having someone else to help bare the burden helped either.
Please go and see your docs, they will be able to help. 
Your twins will be beautiful it is just so hard to see when you are down x x

Take each day as it comes and I'm sure this will soon be a distant memory.
Added to all this you have had them at a funny time, when the country almost shuts down and becomes focussed on christmas and new year. This time of the year, its easy to be down and depressed.
Take care, :hugs:


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## xforuiholdonx

:hugs: Your life isnot ruined, and it soundslike you haveacase of PPD. Mention this to yourdoctor, and get counseling if its needed.


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## chetnaz

I agree that it sounds to me like you have PND. Please talk to your health visitor or doctor about this. They will be able to help. It can be hard to bond with twins when they are newborn, esp if you had a bad birth experience. I'm guessing that you are tired (an understatment), sore and sleepless and it doesnt help that you're a single parent who has to face this challenging time on your own. I had issues to begin with too. I bonded with the twins and loved them at first sight, but I was so so scared of being alone with them. My mum came to stay with me to help after we left the hospital and if she dared say she needed to go home to wash/change/rest, I'd have a panic attack. And although I loved them, the first few weeks, I didn't enjoy them. I dreaded them waking up, because all they did was either cry (they had colic) or breastfeed. I also felt very distant towards my eldest son. By the time I saw to the twins needs, I felt motionally, physically and mentally drained and the last thing I needed was a four year old asking me questions and wanting me to play with him and so I pushed him away. I hated how I was with him. I was aware I was doing it, but I couldn't help myself. I was just knackered. Thankfully these feelings passed. And it will for you too. But you have to speak to a health advisor and get help, before it gets worse. Good luck.


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## apple84

:hugs: My twins aren't here yet and so I can't truly understand what you're going through, but I still offer you all my sympathy. :hugs: I would ask my doctor if I felt that way. My friend went on anti-depressants after her baby's birth and felt 100x better.


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## xxxemsxxx

:hugs: sorry you are feeling so down.
Like the others said please tell you health visitor or doctor and get some help.

Twins are such hard work, you are doing amazingly well looking after them.

Take care and I hope you feel better soon. xxx


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## RainbowGift

I cried reading this, I want to hug you and help you so much! You are not only depressed, but it also sounds like you have post traumatic stress and the babies represent that trauma. I PROMISE you, things are going to get better and you are not always going to feel this way. Grab the phone book and call a therapist or psychiatrist and ask if your appointment can be over the phone, as you can't leave the house right now. Keep crying your ocean of tears, because they are there to cleanse you and wash away the pain. Make sure you shower as much as you can and try to eat nutritious food (your mom can help with these things). When all else fails, turn to music and sing along if you can. There is something about singing.......

Maybe you could talk to your babies about how the birth was traumatic for all of you and that you will all have to work hard to get to a happy place together but that you WILL get there... and ask them for their help. :winkwink:

I am feeling so much love for you. You are going to get through this with flying colors, even though you can't even imagine the light at the end of this tunnel. It IS THERE AND IT IS BRIGHT. It's closer than you think. Try to relax your body and your breathing and find the sick feeling inside and send your breath and relaxation there. Be gentle with yourself. :hugs: :flower:


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## beckyboo1980

Didn't want to read and run. You have been through a huge trauma and are going to need time and help to come to terms with it. Huge hugs to you. xxx


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## booflebump

:hugs:

A crash section is tough on any woman, but after going through a vaginal birth, then having a crash section, followed by looking after two babies and a small child on your own, it's no wonder that your emotions are all over the place.

Have you been discharged from your midwife? If so, see your gp or health visitor as soon as you can. PND is a possibility, but it could also be a post traumatic stress after the delivery, considering the control issues you say you have. 

You need to take care of yourself - nourishing yourself, taking a long bath or shower, and getting out in the fresh air (even if your mum pushes the babies and you just slowly walk), as well as resting. 

You are doing amazingly well being able to breastfeed both babies, so don't be too hard on yourself.

As the PP said, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you might just need a little help to be able to see it

EDITED - just had a wee read back and I see you have bipolar :hugs: I wouldn't definately speak to your GP as soon as you can :hugs:

xxx


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## 17thy

I honestly think it sounds like a mixture of postpartum depression and post traumatic stress disorder from the birthing experience. It would really probably be very helpful if you talked to your midwife about it. I had a breakdown when LO was just less than a week old because things were VERY rough at that point, but I promise it does get better. It really might seem helpless right now but with the proper help and care I'm sure you will feel much much better.


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## emilyjade

i didnt want to read and run but these PP's have given so much better advise than i ever could. Hope you find the courage to speak to a DR xxx


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## _Vicky_

Oh sweetie I cried reading your post too. It so so so tough newborn twins and I didn't have a traumatic birth at all and have a partner and no other kids - at times I wanted to just run for the hills. 

I agree seek medical help and ask for all the support you can from friends and family - where are you based? ( I can't see on my phone) 

I agree get out as soon as you can xxxxx


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## Mom.to.Many

I have not had my twins yet, but I just wanted to say that it takes amazing strength to say the things you said. As mothers we are held to such unbelievable standards. If we feel differently about our children (or the births of our children) instead of the warm and fuzzy feeling we have been taught to feel by our mothers, and the mothers before them...tend to we attribute to that with failure. 

You are tending to their needs, you have been through a traumatic experience, you are being all things to all people... Now its time to put you first and get some help from your Dr. You are done with the hardest part and that is admitting you feel this way. A lot of women are too afraid to be this honest. 

As far as feeling like the babies are not cute... don't feel bad about that. I got so many awful looks from EVERYONE when I told them I thought my daughter was ugly. She had old man hair that only wrapped around her head from ear to ear, Her forehead was always so wrinkly and she had flared nostrils (I thought she looked like a old wise turtle). I went shopping soon after her birth and I showed a co worker of mine my new baby and he jumped. It CRUSHED me because I knew she was not that cute and it broke my heart... like I cursed her. By the time she hit aound 8 weeks she started to fill out some and quickly turned into an adorable little baby. She was chubby and bald, but I was always getting complimented for her beauty. Now she is 4, and beautiful beyond belief. I have been asked to surrogate because I make "such pretty babies" and I have to sit and laugh at this comment because I remember those first 2 months when I didn't want anyone to see her. As mean as it sounds... I just saw a picture of my daughter at one week old and had to laugh. What is now her best features were some of her worst at birth... its a trip. Just realize you are not alone. Any woman out there who will judge you for this is a friggen liar and I will call her out for you! LOL

I hug you from Idaho, hun. Just think... by the time I have my babies and feel this same way you will be picking yourself up, dusting off your knees and telling me that "it will be all work out just fine." We are women... our jobs are not easy, but we do it well and we have to stick together.

Peace


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## cosmicgirlxxx

I know exactly how you feel. My twins were born in the same way, twin one normal delivery and twin 2 crash section under a GA.
What you have been through is traumatic, I had to have counselling and am not over it yet. You need to seek help hunnie, do it soon and i promise you that you will start to feel like yourself again.
:hugs:
Where abouts are you hun? xx


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## wondertwins

You are getting good advice from all the other ladies. I just want to send my hugs and support. :hugs: :flower: :hugs:


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## tripletsOMG

Aww hun I am so sorry PPD and feeling of distance are increased among c/s and traumatic births. I am so sorry that u feel that way and at some point I think all mothers have these feelings to some degree. Sending big hugs ur way and hoping that you get the support you so desperately need.


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## niki_nichole

Things will get better :) Make sure you talk to your Dr and see what they can do. You have to help yourself before you can help your 2 little miracles!


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## mommyof5

Just wanted to send a :hugs:


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## MummybearD

I didn't want to read and run, sending you hugs from Toronto:hugs:


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## menb

Mom.to.Many said:


> I have not had my twins yet, but I just wanted to say that it takes amazing strength to say the things you said. As mothers we are held to such unbelievable standards. If we feel differently about our children (or the births of our children) instead of the warm and fuzzy feeling we have been taught to feel by our mothers, and the mothers before them...tend to we attribute to that with failure.
> 
> You are tending to their needs, you have been through a traumatic experience, you are being all things to all people... Now its time to put you first and get some help from your Dr. You are done with the hardest part and that is admitting you feel this way. A lot of women are too afraid to be this honest.
> 
> As far as feeling like the babies are not cute... don't feel bad about that. I got so many awful looks from EVERYONE when I told them I thought my daughter was ugly. She had old man hair that only wrapped around her head from ear to ear, Her forehead was always so wrinkly and she had flared nostrils (I thought she looked like a old wise turtle). I went shopping soon after her birth and I showed a co worker of mine my new baby and he jumped. It CRUSHED me because I knew she was not that cute and it broke my heart... like I cursed her. By the time she hit aound 8 weeks she started to fill out some and quickly turned into an adorable little baby. She was chubby and bald, but I was always getting complimented for her beauty. Now she is 4, and beautiful beyond belief. I have been asked to surrogate because I make "such pretty babies" and I have to sit and laugh at this comment because I remember those first 2 months when I didn't want anyone to see her. As mean as it sounds... I just saw a picture of my daughter at one week old and had to laugh. What is now her best features were some of her worst at birth... its a trip. Just realize you are not alone. Any woman out there who will judge you for this is a friggen liar and I will call her out for you! LOL
> 
> I hug you from Idaho, hun. Just think... by the time I have my babies and feel this same way you will be picking yourself up, dusting off your knees and telling me that "it will be all work out just fine." We are women... our jobs are not easy, but we do it well and we have to stick together.
> 
> Peace

Absolutely AMAZING post!!!! I wish there was a 'like' button!!!


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## Laura2919

Oh hun :hugs: 
I'm sorry to hear this. I would suggest maybe going to see a Dr, sounds like you have PND and it needs to be treated. Your on your own and although you have help from your mum your gonna be doing it alone with no partner to lean on for support, thats got to be tough in itself. 
I'm a single mummy to twins but they are nearly three and before that I had FOB to help me. 

I hope things get better for you hun. :hugs:


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## mechanica

Thank you so much for your kind replies. Sorry I am only just getting round to replying, I just didn't know how to respond. 

I live in north London. My midwife hasn't discharged me yet because the lack of bond between me and the babies. She urged me to make an appointment with the gp too so I have done so. It's tomorrow morning. I have no idea what I am going to say to her. She is a very nice GP but I feel like such a massive failure. We knew this may happen but I was so positive and happy when pregnant and even following the birth and it just feels like a failure on my part that I couldn't keep up the positivity. 

The twins are fine. Gaining weight, fairly good babies but I just feel like I can't love them. I resent that they've ruined my body and caused this massive crash in my mental health. I wish I could just be pregnant again. I feel sorry for them and think someone else could love them much better than me. These are much wanted babies (though I didn't bank on 2) so its even more confusing that now they're finally here I don't want them??

Do you think I should put them on a bottle? I don't feel any overwhelming rush of love when I am bf them, I just want them to hurry up and feed. I spend most of the day crying on them and apologising for being such a poor excuse for a human being. My first born keeps asking me why I am sad and have wet eyes :(. 

I don't want to be medicated. I don't really want to see the gp either. What will I say?? I would rather give the babies away than have someone take them off me because I am unfit. I have no idea what to do and am not sure I have ever felt so lonely. 

Thank you for replying to me. It means a lot x


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## RainbowGift

I'm so tired, that I can barely string thoughts together, but I couldn't leave this with no response. Forgive any mistakes I might make typing...

Tomorrow, you simply say that you need help immediately. That the babies needs are being met, but you are very distressed and crying all the time and are not bonding with them. 

I know you don't want medication, but it might be necessary... just to get you over the hump. My best friend is on prozac and still breast feeds- it's been around long enough to have been proven safe, supposedly. 

You are so depressed that you don't realize you can feel better. Try to accept the help that is offered, even if you don't believe it is going to help. It's hard to believe when you are in the lonely darkness. Do what the professionals suggest and this sickness inside you may be gone sooner than you think!!! I also think talking to someone in the field of psychology would be a very good thing to do.

I am loving you from across the globe. You are not alone. Try not to think past each present moment and try to relax your body and breathing and bring tiny bits of peace into yourself. :hugs:


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## Mom.to.Many

RainbowGift said:


> I'm so tired, that I can barely string thoughts together, but I couldn't leave this with no response. Forgive any mistakes I might make typing...
> 
> Tomorrow, you simply say that you need help immediately. That the babies needs are being met, but you are very distressed and crying all the time and are not bonding with them.
> 
> I know you don't want medication, but it might be necessary... just to get you over the hump. My best friend is on prozac and still breast feeds- it's been around long enough to have been proven safe, supposedly.
> 
> You are so depressed that you don't realize you can feel better. Try to accept the help that is offered, even if you don't believe it is going to help. It's hard to believe when you are in the lonely darkness. Do what the professionals suggest and this sickness inside you may be gone sooner than you think!!! I also think talking to someone in the field of psychology would be a very good thing to do.
> 
> I am loving you from across the globe. You are not alone. Try not to think past each present moment and try to relax your body and breathing and bring tiny bits of peace into yourself. :hugs:

Amen, girl.... you nailed it!


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## RainbowGift

How did it go? :hugs:


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## mechanica

Thank you do much for asking and for the support :hugs:

I saw the GP this morning. I cried a lot and she was very kind to me. She said she will do anything she can to help me. She agreed not to prescribe tablets just yet (she knows I hate them and have been on tablets most of my life) but has agreed to support me. She wants me to try and do some baby massage to encourage me to bond with the babies and she's going to liase with the midwife to see how they can work together. She did give me 3 things to do but I've forgotten the other 2 :nope: 

She wants to see me next week and she said to call in the meantime if I need her. She said she's not concerned with the babies (their needs are being met) but is concerned about how I am so detached from them. It's like they are someone else's children that I can just walk away from. She said that if I do decide to walk that I should just call her first and that she won't judge me. 

I still feel very sad for these poor babies. They don't deserve this. 

Thank you for being kind to me x


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## Alwilan

You are so brave posting this thread, and I can bet it will help other multiple mummys, who want to say something but can't either now or in the future x 
As much as you feel detached from them, your actions show subconsiously you care a great deal, seeking help and posting here. One of these days, I'm sure it all catch up together, in the meantime just do what you are doing :hugs:


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## Jmommy

I cant say that I know how feel, but I just wanted to offer some comfort that you are not alone. The birth of my son last July was emergency section which I did not want. I wanted the labor experience and all and then he was immediately diagnosed with Down Syndrome. I didnt hold him at all and I told my husband I didnt think I could love our son, and I cried and cried and cried. It has now been 6 months and things are going great, I hope time will be the answer for you as well!

Continue seeing your GP and asking for help when you need it! You are not alone!


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## chan8180

Ahh hun ive not been on here for a while and your post has made a huge lump in my throat, you have been incredibly brave to firstly admit to us but to also seek help well done this was a huge step in healing. I dont many answers and im sure you are getting the right help already but one source of support could be TAMBA they also have a manned helpline with twin mums on the other end to offer advice or just to listen when you need to vent. The website is www.tamba.org.uk the twin line is free and is open everyday from 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm on 0800 138 0509 (freephone).

I cannot imagine what you have gone through but with the right help and support im sure you will take small steps and grow to love those precious babies of yours. Good luck 

Chantelle x


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## RainbowGift

It sounds like that visit was one step in the right direction! :flower:
Have you been doing the massage? What is really going to help you is when the babies start smiling at you on a regular basis, things will probably start to kick in fast then.

Here is what I am most concerned about: What if the feelings don't kick in fast enough (I REALLLLLLLLY believe you are going to love these babies A LOT in the future) and you really start planning to "walk" and start an adoption process or something.... you would be doing these things under the a false impression that your depression is creating. 

Maybe you could promise yourself that you will care for them, with the help of others, for such-and-such amount of MONTHS and then sit down with a professional again to re-evaluate? 

Maybe we can all put our heads together here, and help you come up with a day-to-day plan that feels possible for you and you can keep caring for them without feeling so much sorrow and without criticizing yourself.

I feel that if you are being so honest about your lack of feeling for them, you would be honest if you were not meeting their needs or if you were thinking about harming them..... that would be another whole ball game.

How is your other child doing? Who else could help you during the day? What's your favorite music? :winkwink:

Loving you,
Jen


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## bubbakisses

I think that you need to go to your doctor asap, PND is very serious and you should get the help you deserve. Take care and enjoy your babies


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## wondertwins

I'm glad to hear that you've been able to talk to your doctor and that she's taking an active role in helping you. :hugs: 

I know it may not feel like it right this minute, but I can see that your babies are very lucky to have you! After all....despite this rough patch, your babies are being cared for and are safe, and you are being honest with yourself and your doctor about the feelings you're having. That's a huge and difficult step, and it says a lot about your strength as a woman. Try to stay open minded about treatment options and reach out for help whenever you need it. You and your loveys will make it through this.


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## RainbowGift

If you haven't remembered the other two things that the doctor recommended, call and ask. Tell them you are a twin mom and have "baby brain". I say this to people all the time... I can't remember ANYTHING some days, not even my own phone number. Call them! xoxoxo

I think about you a lot. Please check in with us from time to time and let us know how you are doing.


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## lizziedripping

Mechanica, what a courageous woman you are, and have taken such a huge step in sharing your feelings and approaching your GP :hugs: 

I am sure that Many women feel like you do, but are not brave enough to admit it - some of them suffering for months, if not years on their own with these overwhelming feelings. 

I felt some of what you describe after my first born, tho I don't pretend it was anywhere near as intense as it is for you. I spent a lot of time crying, struggling to bond and longing to have the excitement and anticipation of the pregnancy again. I felt completely underwhelmed by his arrival (the birth had been traumatic and exhausting), and shocked by how little I felt for him, and just how hard motherhood was. The pregnancy had been so wonderful and I just wanted to reverse time and be back there again. My gut was constantly twisted with anxiety, And I felt empty and so down :(

For me the negative feelings did pass after about 8/9 myths, but I battled alone rather than seeking help. I am so relieved you have taken that first step Hun, and hope and pray you find some peace sometime soon - pm me if you need anything :hugs:


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## wookie130

Mechanica, I just want to let you know I've read the entire thread, and am overwhelmed by the amount of courage it must have taken for you to express what is happening in your life at the moment with your twins.

PPD can range from mild to a psychosis state. The sooner you seek help specifically for this issue, the sooner you can have the type of life and perspective as a mother. I'm glad you've got a good relationship with your doctor, and have actively asked for help.

My heart goes out to you. Your situation touches me, and you need to know that there are many, many women (even on BnB) who are living with the guilt you've experienced...but you were brave enough to give this issue a voice.

With help, this WILL get better, and your ability to bond with your babies will improve. You must be diligent in exploring your treatment options...something out there will make this better.

Best of luck, and please keep us updated on how you and your kids are doing.

:hugs:


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## WantingABubba

Hello sweetie, first of all, big hug *hug*

I am sorry you're feeling this way, and I applaud your courage in coming on here and asking for help.

First of all, it's completely understandable you feel this way. Being a single parent is hard enough, without a small child and young twins to look after. Not only that but you had a traumatic birth where you felt your needs were not met.

It sounds to me like you may have PND. Although I've not had this, I do suffer with depression and completely empathize with your feelings of despair and loneliness.

I suggest you get some help, and remember we're all here for you on the forum *hugs*

Lots of love

xx


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## mechanica

Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much to me. 

I did go back to see my GP but it didn't go very well. I just feel completely empty so I just told her I was fine and left sharpish. She asked me to book an appt for next week and I went to the desk to do so but I just burst into tears and walked out. I don't want to go back. I have no energy. I don't want to talk to anyone. 

I feel completely over stretched. The babies woke every hour last night. First 1 then the following hour the next. I hate them. I dont want to hurt them, but i just wish someone would take them away. My 4 year old won't listen and I am just being a horrible, horrible mother. I'm so tired and I wish I could just turn back time and not have them. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep and fantasise about running away or throwing myself off a multi storey. I don't think I would, it's just fantasy. 

My boy is very unsettled and wants to be held constantly. I don't believe in letting babies cry so he is permanently attached to me and I feel like I'm neglecting the girl. I don't have enough hands. I think maybe he has reflux or something. I feel completely out of my depth, like I'm drowning. 

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your kind words. I don't feel worthy of them though. These were much wanted babies and I am so faulty that I don't love them. I am a terrible mother and I'm very sorry.


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## Cuffy

Without sounding stalkerish where abouts do you live? Have you enquirer about free assistance? Just wondering if any of us live close by enough to help if only just to give you a break for a few hours I find some days challenging with sleep let alone no sleep twins & a 4 year old!!


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## mechanica

I'm in N London. I do have a volunteer that helps me for 2 hours a week but I'm not sure it's practical help I need. Usually when she comes the babies sleep and i widh she would go home so i could sleep. I dont want to talk to or see anyone. They want feeding nonstop and I guess noone can help with that while I'm breastfeeding. I just don't want them. I want to send them back.


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## busymum5

We are all here for you as much as we can be via this forum. 
You are very brave to have posted the way you are feeling and you should not feel at all like you are failing your children. It is such a hard job being a mum. Let alone all the other pressure we put on ourselves to be at the top of everything that we sometimes need to give ourselves a break. 
Thinking of you lots, and sending you big hugs from down under in Aus. Please keep asking for help, there seem to be so many people who would like to. xxxxx


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## RainbowGift

It sounds like your feelings are getting lower rather than lifting.... but that is sometimes what happens before the lift.

Twins are very physically demanding, so the emotional demands we need to meet inside ourselves tend to get left behind. I know what it feels like to be pulled awake each hour, or even 1/2 hour, by two babies, night after night. It feels like you are a prisoner of war and being tortured. 

The stress of feeling like you can't give two babies what they need, when you know you could if it were one baby, piles up inside and that stress comes out as other negative feelings. This is especially true for people like you who want to control situations and have them come out just so. Twin babies force us to adjust ourselves and grow. The stretching hurts, but it eventually pulls us to a new place and we are improved beings.

Your "feeling nothing" for them has turned into "hating" them... but, if you really hated them you wouldn't feel guilty about the situation at hand, you wouldn't think they deserved better. Don't let intrusive thoughts guide you. Try to recognize them, like when a negative emotion wells up and you feel like you hate them, and say (even out loud if you can, it's more powerful that way): "I *don't* hate you, I'm just stretched too thin and haven't gotten over the trauma of your birth and have powerful hormones surging through me and I am exhausted and I feel far away from the rest of the world- which includes you. I feel terrible that you need so much from me at a time when I am so low and so I let myself wish all this weren't happening and you were still safe inside me."

Another great step would be if you could ask yourself if you WANT to feel something for them. If you are ready to start feeling some positive feelings for them... I know it sounds dumb to ask that, as you keep saying you feel like a terrible mom for feeling the way you do... but as you know, when you are in the grip of dark feelings, you can be at their mercy to the point where there is no room for even wanting to feel better, because it is like it is an impossibility and your will has no say in the matter. Is that where you are? Do you sometimes feel anger if people suggest things you could do to start feeling differently? Or, if not anger, a hopeless feeling like: "they don't understand that I can't possibly do that and even if I could it wouldn't help"?

I am still loving you from across the globe... and I'm believing in your future when you are too tired to. Let us lift you up!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


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## wookie130

RainbowGift said:


> It sounds like your feelings are getting lower rather than lifting.... but that is sometimes what happens before the lift.
> 
> Twins are very physically demanding, so the emotional demands we need to meet inside ourselves tend to get left behind. I know what it feels like to be pulled awake each hour, or even 1/2 hour, by two babies, night after night. It feels like you are a prisoner of war and being tortured.
> 
> The stress of feeling like you can't give two babies what they need, when you know you could if it were one baby, piles up inside and that stress comes out as other negative feelings. This is especially true for people like you who want to control situations and have them come out just so. Twin babies force us to adjust ourselves and grow. The stretching hurts, but it eventually pulls us to a new place and we are improved beings.
> 
> Your "feeling nothing" for them has turned into "hating" them... but, if you really hated them you wouldn't feel guilty about the situation at hand, you wouldn't think they deserved better. Don't let intrusive thoughts guide you. Try to recognize them, like when a negative emotion wells up and you feel like you hate them, and say (even out loud if you can, it's more powerful that way): "I *don't* hate you, I'm just stretched too thin and haven't gotten over the trauma of your birth and have powerful hormones surging through me and I am exhausted and I feel far away from the rest of the world- which includes you. I feel terrible that you need so much from me at a time when I am so low and so I let myself wish all this weren't happening and you were still safe inside me."
> 
> What would be another great step would be if you could ask yourself if you WANT to feel something for them. If you are ready to start feeling some positive feelings for them... I know it sounds dumb to ask that, as you keep saying you feel like a terrible mom for feeling the way you do... but as you know, when you are in the grip of dark feelings, you can be at their mercy to the point where there is no room for even wanting to feel better, because it is like it is an impossibility and your will has no say in the matter. Is that where you are? Do you sometimes feel anger if people suggest things you could do to start feeling differently? Or, if not anger, a hopeless feeling like: "they don't understand that I can't possibly do that and even if I could it wouldn't help"?
> 
> I am still loving you from across the globe... and I'm believing in your future when you are too tired to. Let us lift you up!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Absolutely priceless post.
I could not have said any of this better. 

Mechanica...I do feel there is a fine line (and it's sometimes blurred) between resentment and actual hatred. You could easily resent the feelings surrounding your situation, and feel resentment toward the twins for your current frame of mind. I do not believe for one minute that you genuinely HATE the children, for if you did, you probably wouldn't meet their physical needs, you may dream of harming them, or you would have starting pursuing your options in terms of adoption, etc. In other words, you'd be trying to find your way OUT of this, and not feeling any guilt attached to your behavior, either.

You, on the other hand, are immersed with guilt. I can feel the very weight of it in your words. This, is not pure hatred. This could very well be love...you're just not feeling any of the typical warmth or attachment we traditionally associate with the word "love."

I agree that you actually sound like your slipping further into the PND. I know you've stated that you want to avoid medication, but perhaps it is something to look into at this point. When one is low enough, and suffering from this type of illness, nothing feels like it will help, and it's easier to remain skeptical, and all the while you may be actually slipping lower and lower into it. I would encourage you to try something along these lines. If meds don't help, there are still other options. I would also encourage you to seek therapy, or a counselor you can safely and honestly share your feelings with.

You do not have continue feeling guilty, sad, or resentful.

I am afraid that if you continue on this way, it will only continue to spiral down. Please don't wait, honey. Call someone TODAY. Do not only for your twins, but for your 4 year old child, and for YOURSELF. :hugs:


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## Jordyn

I did not read the comments yet but I wanted to write to you and tell you that I know exactly what you are going through! And for you to be open with everything the way you wrote on here...i admire you so much. You might think huh..what is there to admire when feeling this way? Well I will tell you why. Because when I had my first child..i felt the exact same way. My every thought was giving him up and living with complete guilt for years. I lost all my friends because I was depressed and none of my friends understood how hard depression can take over your mind and soul. I would not tell anyone how I felt..i pretended all the time. I locked myself away and wouldnt answer the door or phone. It wasnt until I had my second child that I tried to get help..that was 6 years later. I fell so deep inlove with my second child while my first was hardly in my heart. My heart broke for him so much cause I just couldnt help how I felt about him. I decided to come clean and pour my heart out to family and children services. This turned out to be a bad idea in a sense because she didnt know how to help me. She took both of my kids away from me and I had to fight tooth and nail to get my children back. I also want to express that tho I had this feeling for my first...he was still taken good care of and and was still shown lots of love...the problem was that I just didnt want to fake it anymore.. All I could think about was when I was a child..i would have been been devastated if I knew back then if my mother didnt love me! The woman didnt know how to handle my situation so instead of helping me get better...she just took my kids away. I finally got my kids back and with the scare of actually losing my son..it was then that I realized that I needed him more then I thought. From that moment..i couldnt live with out him. It feels so good knowing that I love him so much now. I have to admit that im still not as close with my son as I am with my daughter but that is to be expected as the bonding was lost with my son for so long but the important thing is at least I feel at peace now. Just like you..i also had a traumatic birth with my son and I think it contribute alot to how I felt after. you should really see your doctor about this and speak to your doctor about seeing a post partum specialist. They deal with this all the time. And dont think for a second that you are alone. So many women experience this..its more commen then you know xxx


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## tripletsOMG

i am so sorry that u feel like this. You did so well growing and protecting them and doing everything to provide the best start to there lives. I know u love them and its devastating to think u feelings have changed after delivery:cry: i hope that u are able to heal emotionally and physically hugs from the us:hugs:


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## KELLYBD

Just wanted to say today is the first day I've sat and read all through this thread and my heart goes out to you sweetheart. You have shown so much strength of character to share your feelings openly with all of us when you are struggling to do so with your doctor. 

I can't even begin to put myself into your shoes as I've never had depression but I did live with a man who did and to be honest spent most of my life walking on egg shells until I understood him. 

There's no advice I can give you other than to keep coming on here and vent your feelings to us. Take some comfort at least in the fact that you are letting out some of your pain here and you are not bottling it up. BUT I strongly suggest you come clean with the docs. My ex kept saying to me "I've done the doc/councilling thing, they don't understand me/ can't help me" I basically had to push him through the docs door to get help and he did and he did get well, it was a long process but I believe saved his life. 

I know it's not the same but you need to let them help you, no matter how hard it is, you owe it to yourself to be happy again. 

With regards to the babies waking up every hour, I had that at first but it will get better even though it seems it won't. Something always sticks with me what one of the other Mum's on her, Vicky said. Remember each day is a day nearer to basically the twins routine being complete and you getting a full night's sleep.

I wish you all the luck in the world, you are a very very brave lady and I hope everything works out for you. xxx


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## WantingABubba

mechanica said:


> I'm in N London. I do have a volunteer that helps me for 2 hours a week but I'm not sure it's practical help I need. Usually when she comes the babies sleep and i widh she would go home so i could sleep. I dont want to talk to or see anyone. They want feeding nonstop and I guess noone can help with that while I'm breastfeeding. I just don't want them. I want to send them back.

I'm also in N London. If you ever wanna go for a coffee, or something, or want a babysitter, PM me. 

Also, you're breastfeeding, right? Well, for a start, well done for that! That's an expression of love. See, you don't hate them; you're just feeling stressed, depressed and your hormones are all over the place.

Could you pump? If you pumped and stocked it up in the freezer, you could get some time to yourself and away from the babies. You could even get donated milk, if you'd like.


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## WantingABubba

mechanica said:


> Thank you all so much for your support, it means so much to me.
> 
> I did go back to see my GP but it didn't go very well. I just feel completely empty so I just told her I was fine and left sharpish. She asked me to book an appt for next week and I went to the desk to do so but I just burst into tears and walked out. I don't want to go back. I have no energy. I don't want to talk to anyone.
> 
> I feel completely over stretched. The babies woke every hour last night. First 1 then the following hour the next. I hate them. I dont want to hurt them, but i just wish someone would take them away. My 4 year old won't listen and I am just being a horrible, horrible mother. I'm so tired and I wish I could just turn back time and not have them. I lay in bed at night, unable to sleep and fantasise about running away or throwing myself off a multi storey. I don't think I would, it's just fantasy.
> 
> My boy is very unsettled and wants to be held constantly. I don't believe in letting babies cry so he is permanently attached to me and I feel like I'm neglecting the girl. I don't have enough hands. I think maybe he has reflux or something. I feel completely out of my depth, like I'm drowning.
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your kind words. I don't feel worthy of them though. These were much wanted babies and I am so faulty that I don't love them. I am a terrible mother and I'm very sorry.

Bubba, you're depressed. You're *normal*, and depressed. 

To make things easier for you in terms of the babies wanting to be held all the time - try baby-wearing. It's possible to babywear twins, but you may just want to babywear one. But it'll help you a LOT. You'll have your hands free and he'll most likely be more settled.

You *are* worthy of our kind words, because you're an amazing, and brave, person who's just going through a hard time. You're not a terrible Mother - you're a Mother who's suffering.

Please, sweetie, talk to someone. Get yourself to the Doctor again and get some anti-depressants, or speak to a counseller over the phone. I'm on anti-depressants, and they've helped MASSIVELY. Also, have a look at this site. You're not alone - even if you feel like the only person on the planet going through this.

My heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts 

:hugs: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx :hugs:


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## RainbowGift

I'm worried about you, if you are reading this, please check in with us... even if it's just a few words. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


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## WantingABubba

RainbowGift said:


> I'm worried about you, if you are reading this, please check in with us... even if it's just a few words. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I second this x


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## wookie130

Yes, we're thinking of you, and would love for you to check in and touch base.

We're worried...


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## mechanica

Apologies. I have just read all your kind replies and I am overwhelmed. I am just posting because I do not want you to worry about me so am checking in to tell you I am 'okay'. I would love to tell you things have improved, but sadly not. 

Many thanks for all the support you have given me though, it was very much appreciated x x


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## WantingABubba

mechanica said:


> Apologies. I have just read all your kind replies and I am overwhelmed. I am just posting because I do not want you to worry about me so am checking in to tell you I am 'okay'. I would love to tell you things have improved, but sadly not.
> 
> Many thanks for all the support you have given me though, it was very much appreciated x x

:hugs: xx


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## cedrickerry

:hugs:

and some understanding

Kx


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## wookie130

I still pray that things WILL improve, and that you no longer have to feel this way. Thanks for popping in!


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## RainbowGift

Please keep communicating with us so that we can all help you through this. If we all put our heads together there will be at least *some* change for you. If you stop opening up, things might just stall where they are. Talking to us will at least get things moving inside you and hopefully breathe some fresh air through.


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## 6lilpigs

Just keep doing as your doing, taking care of their needs and getting through each day ok:) I never took to my 2nd child until he was about 6 months old, but I did everything as I should so I can look back and think it may not have been perfect but we got through it. I hope you visit more often, take care xx


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## fernanda

i know this thread is "old", but I just came across it and I had tears in my eyes reading your story! I can only repeat what everybody else said - I would really love to just give you a big :hugs:!
There is probably nothing we can do to ACTUALLY help instead of telling you to get counseling and try to encourage you. I wish there was a really good advice I can give you, but I think only one who has been in your situation can. 

Anyway, I think it is normal that when you posted again end of January and things haven't gotten better yet. It probably takes a lot more time than a few weeks. It might take a long time until you will learn to truly love them and see how beautiful they are, but I am sure you will get there eventually! Don't give up just yet and take things as they come. And sooner or later I am convinced you will see the beauty in those two little children. Just be patient with yourself and try to accept all the help you can get =) I wish you all the best!!! :kiss::kiss:


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