# Not Gender Disappointment... But Maybe You'll Understand?



## KandyKinz

I hope that it's okay that I post this here, I figured if anyone would understand it's you guys... Elsewhere, they just say I shouldn't be disappointed and I should just be happy with what I have... yadda yadda yadda.

I'm not upset or worried about gender. I don't know yet and frankly either or would be fine. I've been lucky and already have both. 

But I'm feeling devastated that there's only one in there. It's consuming me and I'm feeling very distant and unnattached to the pregnancy since I found out... And I hate being that way :cry:

It's weird... I've never actually been the type to want twins. I've always thought them to be neat, but having worked in the maternity field the idea of all of the risks involved carrying them has somewhat scared me away from wishing for them in the past. With all of my previous pregnancies, I always just assumed there was one in there and that was that. 

And then I got pregnant this time around and around 5 weeks I got this idea in my head that there were 2 of them in there and the idea stuck. It was just this overwhelming there's definitely two in there feeling. At my 9 week midwifery appt I was measuring 14 weeks which pushed my belief even further. But then I had my ultrasound the next day and the woman showed me just one little baby. I felt devastated. I felt even more devastated that I felt devastated. I should have been happy seeing baby there wiggling it's little arms and legs :(

I have moments where I accept that there's only one in there and I become overwhelmed with feeling void and detached. And then I have brief little moments of hope. Maybe they missed one in the ultrasound.... I keep googling missed twin stories and the thought just makes me feel attached to the pregnancy/babies again. I'm 12 weeks now, measuring 20. I look huge... I think it would be easier to accept and move on if it weren't for those additional signs. Maybe?

I keep looking at my ultrasound picture wondering if they got it wrong. There's a spot up in the corner that looks like it could be an embyro. I can't stop hoping for it to be a missed twin... But maybe it's a vanishing twin and I'm only half delusional for being so obsessed with the idea this time around? It's probably just a hematoma? I don't know... I wish I would have learned more about sonography in my training :/

I just really need to get over the idea and I'm having such a difficult time doing so. I don't want to come away from the next ultrasound feeling as disappointed as I was last time around.


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## hello_kitty

I know what you mean. Before dh and I even got married, I always wanted to have twins. I thought they were so cute, and I still think the same. My first son was born 8 weeks early, and stayed in the nicu for 5 weeks. During his stay, we were put in a room with twins. They were so adorable! But after getting first hand experience of taking care of a baby, I am glad I only have a singleton and not twins. Taking care of one baby is hard enough. I kept imagining myself with twins and dont know how I would handle taking care of 2 newborns and 2 toddlers ( I also have 2 babies right now). Feeding 2 at the same time is harder than feeding one kid, changing diapers, rocking them to sleep. Its double the work load. Also, I know I am not a baby producing machine and I could only be pregnant x amount of times. Dh only wants 3, so if I were to have twins, I would only get one more chance to be pregnant again.

Also, I heard there are other factors that play into conceiving twins. Majority has to do with genetics and if it runs in your family. Twins dont run in either side of my family so there is almost a 0% chance that I could conceive twins naturally.

I have no useful advise for you, but just hang in there mama and try to love the baby you are carrying now!


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## Misscalais

Aww. I understand how you're feeling, to hope for something so bad then not get it, then feeling so guilty about the way you're feeling because you still have a healthy baby.
It will get easier, dont beat yourself up about it.


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## mummy2_1

Does it feel similar to grief what u feel?? U was sure it was twins then to be told no its justice are u grieving fir a baby u thought was their. 

Hope u feel better soon, u have a healthy baby to look forward to.


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## calm

I craved the opposite, have a single baby. I wanted the independence I lost when having two (it was basically impossible to leave the house without my dreaded mother in law's help). I wanted to carry my baby in a sling, have him always with me. With 2 very needy twins I constantly had to juggle them, and then watch as other family member looked after the baby I couldn't. I had to struggle with the guilt of not being able to be a 100% there for each baby. Yes you learn techniques and you become an "expert" at dealing with 2 babies, but its still very hard. When both would cry with colics I would bounce one with my foot in its bouncer and hold the other, and cry myself with them. I missed a lot of bonding with them as the first two weeks I was very ill with preenclampsia, most probably brought on by the fact I had twins, and can't remember their first bottle or nappy change. My twins are my life and I don't wish either away, I couldn't be without them, but I wouldn't have had 2 together like this by choice if I could turn the clock back. They do look cute, when I take out the heavy awkward stroller into the street that sometimes doesn't even fit through the doors, I get loads of comments and people stop me, but its just an ideal people see from the outside. The reality is actually like having a meteorite hit you from space. I'm a stronger and better person for having my twins, but it has been hell sometimes, I wish I could say otherwise. Now they are 10 months old it is more manageable. I will not be having any more kids and I think I will always crave that one to one baby relationship. That too is an ideal in my head and I won't know how it is or of its like I imagine. Thought I would offer my experience. I have also always wanted a girl but I am a twin mummy of boys. So I do understand what its like to crave something you don't have. I am actually very happy now, never been so happy, but its took a bit to get here if you know what I mean. Hope you feel okay hun X


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## zmzerbe

I have never outspoken about the grief I felt recently at my scan as well for the same exact thing. I am only 6w 2d and had a scan on Monday, but for some reason I had it in my head that it was twins. The idea was so strong, specially since I am constantly hungry to the point where I feel like I need to eat for an entire football team. I was google image searching what a 6 week scan looked like with twins and had myself so prepared to spot them before the doctor did. When the image showed up on the screen, my heart sank because there was only one sac, and one yolk sac... not two. 

I feel as if I lost a baby I never had to be quite honest.


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## mummy2_1

I can't imagine the grief, my losses happened before I knew about the pg's, so to feel the loss of a twin pg into a singleton pg, it must feel like ur body and mind thinks.and believes there is two then to find out no its just one. I'm very sorry for ur sense of loss and hope u find comfort with ur healthy pg.


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