# I lost my baby today



## melany

I was not expecting this pregnancy. In fact, the entire time I was terrified. I have a 17 month old, how would i care for a newborn too? I all ready have no energy, etc.

But then I finally accepted it and really started to get happy about the baby. I started to cramp today and my doc said to go in for a quick check up. They tried to hear the heartbeat but couldn't so they went to the ultrasound. No movement at all. My baby died a week ago at 18 weeks. I'm 19 weeks now.

It's hitting me in waves and I don't know what to do about it.

They refuse to do a D&C so I am now in the hospital waiting for labor to start. I'm terrified again. I don't want to give birth to a dead baby. I just want them to knock me out and have me wake up not pregnant. Instead I have to wait up to 36 hours and go through labor just to give birth to a dead child.

I don't think I can handle this. I'm devastated.


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## imissmybabyja

Hi there..
I am sorry for your loss. I am guessing by now you have given birth. Did you have a girl or a boy? 
I lost mine on 04/21 at 18 wks. I had a boy and went through the same emotions. It's still hard to accept. But strongly believe time does heal. Not sure why we are being tested though. Keep questioning the timing.


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## melany

I haven't given birth yet, they said it could take up to 36 hours. This wait is horrible. I don't know the gender yet. I am so conflicted because I don't know if I want to the see the baby, I don't know if i will ever be able to get that image out of my head, you know? But I feel like I owe it to the baby to hold him/her.


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## Emmasmom2

Oh Melany, I am so sorry. I too have lost my precious girl on 4/21 and a day hasn't gone by that I don't cry myself to sleep. I am still in shock that she is gone. My advice to you - if I may - hold your baby, kiss him/her, tell hom how much you love him/her. My baby was born alive and kicking but she was too premature to survive. Emma passed away in our arms. We had her with us in the room overnight and it felt strangely normal, a baby in the cot, just so very silent. I loved holding her and singing to her, and when it was time to leave the hospital, my 2 year old son came with his daddy and got to meet his baby sister. He didn't really get it, of course, but he gave her a kiss and he told her he loves her. Four days later we visited her in the mortuary and said our final goodbyes. That was really hard, knowing that I will never see her again. Today/tomorrow is going to be really hard for you but later on it will be a blur. It is such an emotional time, you just need to get through it somehow. Cry, scream, do whatever makes it a bit easier. I didn't think I could do but I had to pull through for my other children. I hope you find strength and peace. {{{Hugs}}}


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## imissmybabyja

How far along were you, Emma's Mom?


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## imissmybabyja

I didn't hold him. I knew I couldn't handle it. Had he been alive I would have. And my memory of him is a hand wave that morning in the ultrasound. I didn't want to erase that.


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## Emmasmom2

I was 19+2 but she measured a week ahead.


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## melany

I'm afraid the baby will look...i don't know the word i'm looking for. But, I'm afraid it will be horrendous, you know? What if he/she is decaying? or the skin is coming off? I couldn't handle that. I mean if he/she looked like a really small baby sleeping I think it would be much much easier.


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## Emmasmom2

After you deliver can ask your nurse to describe the baby first and then see him/her if you'd like. At 18 weeks your baby is fully formed albeit very tiny. But the choice is yours, honey. Have you started the contractions yet? I hope all goes well.


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## melany

I passed the baby around 5 hours ago. I was delirious from lack of sleep but it honestly went better than I thought. The pain was intense, though. 

He was a boy. The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice very tightly. I am planning on seeing him in a couple hours.

I just want to thank everyone for your kind words and support


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## Missy86

I am very sorry for your loss


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## imogenwanted

Love and hugs to you and your family you are very brave xxxxx


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## kimmy04

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking about you and your family xoxo


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## nessaw

Am so very sorry for your loss. I had twins at 15 wks back in february. Sending you love and hugs. Xx


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## hayley x

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your baby son. My story is very different, but in the 5 years I have been an angel mum, I have read time and time again how the mother wishes she had held her baby. Seen her baby. Take photos of her baby. Basically be their mummy for the very short time you get to have them in your arms :'( it's so incredibly hard and I'm so sorry you are having to live this life. My thoughts and love are with you all. I hope you feel at comfort with whatever you choose to be the best thing for you to do - as a family. Just remember every single decision is right for you at that particular moment. Your baby will always know how much you love him regardless of any thing you do or don't do. xxxxx


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## Emmasmom2

I am so deeply sorry that he came too early into this world. God bless your angel and your family.


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## AndreZZ

I am so sorry to hear this. I will never understand why these things happen but I always like to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason...and for the best. I wish you all the best, a speedy recovery, and emotional healing that will surely come with time. 

:hugs:


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## calm

So very sorry for your loss


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## Jennifaerie

So very sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Camlet

:hugs: I am so sorry for your loss :hugs: xx


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## Eleanor ace

So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## susywoosy

I am so sorry for your loss. I had two late 1st tri losses which were hard. I cant imagine what u r going thru. Please know u r in my thoughts. :hugs: x


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## melany

These days are going so slowly and this haze seems to follow me. I have a 17 month old that I have to take care of and it hurts so bad when I see her and know that she will not ever meet her baby brother. 

I don't know if i can go through pregnancy again. We always knew we wanted two children but now I have to face the fact that we may only have one. I would be terrified to get pregnant again, especially after having a miscarriage so late. Instead of the 12 week wait it would become the 40 week wait. I would be on pins and needles the entire time never being able to fully appreciate it.

At least that's what I think now.

We're going to get him cremated and his ashes made into a glass memento. There are a lot of people who do it and the stuff they make is so beautiful. We need to have him here with us, not buried somewhere in a baby mass grave.


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## SabrinaKat

melany - give yourself some time to grieve and don't make any plans about the future - take it day by day, and look after yourself and your LO (and OH, too!) I had a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage (not the same, I know) and it was very hard, almost holding my breath for 36wks (he was born early due to my pre-eclampsia, but he was always healthy, and is now a lively, slightly demented 2 year old+). 

Treat yourself gently....

best wishes


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## Emmasmom2

I know exactly how you feel, Melany. I have been wandering in a fog for the last 3 weeks and the fog is just as thick. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare, I still feel fathom baby kicks and everything reminds me of her. There is no escape yet. 

We had Emma cremated as well and she is with us now. I couldn't have her anywhere else. The thought of another pregnancy terrifies me, but I also know that the gaping hole her death has left me with can only be somewhat soothed with another baby. Time will tell. 

I hope we all start healing soon. {{{Hugs}}}


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## LaceFace88

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son last month due to preterm labor and gave birth to him alive and watched him strugglle for his life and pass away in my arms. There are no words to make the pain go away it has been a little over a month for me and everyday is still a struggle. Just know we are here for you if you ever need to talk 
Xxxxxxx
Lacie


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## noshowjo

I'm so sorry


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## honeybunch2k7

:cry::cry: Thaqt's so heartbreaking! I hope you can find peace. :hugs:


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## Emmmalou

I am so sorry for your loss and can completely relate. My beautiful baby girl was born sleeping 6 days ago. I was 22 weeks+5. I too was afraid of what she may look like. The midwife took her to one side to clean her up and slowly described her to me, counting her fingers and toes etc. She then handed her to me wrapped in a blanket my mum had made, and we had her with us for around 24 hours. It was the hardest saddest time of my life, yet I felt so proud that I had made something so beautiful and holding her in my arms felt amazing. I know it's hard, but I'm sure you will be glad you've seen your little baby. Thinking of you x


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