# 8 y.o. is out of control



## zombiedaisy

My 8 y.o. is out of control. He doesnt understand responsibility and that he needs to help out. Ive been trying to work with him. He throws huge tantrums and freaks out and says things completly unacceptable (i hate myself, etc). 

So last night, i let him stay up late, and he got up very early (earlier then id recommend for staying up so late). I let him lay around the morning, but by late morning, almost afternoon I asked him to shut off the TV and I wanted him to come down so we could talk. I had won passes for a movie, and being pregnant and sick, I really have no desire to go, so I thought it would be nice for DH and him to go together since they both really want to see it. I asked him if he'd like to go and he got really excited. I told him that for him to get to go, I needed him to help me around the house. I told him I wanted him to do the dishes, and he freaked "I cant do that, im not doing it, i dont want to, im too tired, I hate chores". We then got in an argument about it and I told him if he was going to have an attitude he did not get the privilage of going to the movie. 

He went in, but threw a fit and made a mess, so I told him to go lay down to calm down. I went up there about 10 minutes later and calmly talked to him about his attitude and lack of respect. I told him he was going to go down and do the dishes and help around the house. He then clogged the sink, and I told him he needed to just stick his hand down and pull the stuff out, and he freaked out screaming and yelling and throwing another fit that he wasnt going to do it. He finally did, after 10 minutes throwing a fit. 

I just dont know what to do with him. Ive always felt his punishments should center around his actions, but how do I punish him on this one with a punishment that correlates to his actions?

The TV is def. being limited to pretty much none, and will be zero tv for a few days.


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## suzib76

He is 8 years old :shrug: 

I'm sorry but I think you are being way harsh with the poor kid, and he is that, just a kid. Why should he be doing the dishes for you at 8 years old?

The bit where you said he got up earlier Than you would recommend for having had stayed up so late kind of indicates that you are expecting a certain level of maturity from him which is way beyond his years

I don't think the poor kid should be punished for the dishes, I think it's wrong to expect him to do that in the first place.

Taking kids to a movie as a treat is meant to be just that, a treat, not something they have to earn by doing adult chores


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## zombiedaisy

In no way do I consider doing the dishes "adult" chores. If hes old enough to help make the mess, at his age, hes old enough to help do the dishes. Its like asking children to take their plates to the sink and empty whats left on them, cleaning up their bedroom because they made the mess, making their own bed... etc.

Going to the movies is a privilege and throwing fits mean privileges get taken away. He threw a huge tantrum, then privileges get taken away.


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## suzib76

I guess everybody is different but I absolutely would never in a million years expect an 8 year old child to be doing the dishes


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## Rockell8788

I did chores at that age! 
My almost 5 year old has to put her toys away every night, and make her bed. She helps mummy put washing in the machine And if she has made a mess she cleans it. She even hoovered my front room last week. My dd loves doing it all though and it a way for her to earn pocket money. 
I wouldn't use chores as punishment or to earn a treat such as cinema trip, but a way to lean responsibilities and earn 50p a week


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## suzib76

Oh I think there is a world of difference between putting their own toys away and being made to wash the dishes, and I'm guessing the hoovering was just her wanting a turn as opposed to it being a chore that she had to do?


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## mummy3

My daughter is 8 in september and is capable (and does) chores:shrug: She can hoover properly, can empty and load the dishwasher and wipe round etc. I totally do not think its unreasonable to expect some level of responsibility! That said its all in moderation, she isnt overwhelmed, she is expected to clean/tidy her bedroom and do chores as and when she is asked, of course she is shown how to do them initially and is rewarded in a general manner. She understands if she helps out then she will be treated when the time arises, as in if we are out and about she'll get to play at the park etc. 

I would be the same if she pulled a massive temper! there's no need for it, at 8 there should be more control. The movie wouldnt be happening. 

I'm thinking a fair part is he would have been over tired, perhaps a chat with him when he's had more sleep and explain why you withdrew his treat and what is expected and what will be the outcomes of his help:flower:

Also, my son is 4 1/2 and understands and even asks lol to do chores to earn whatever whim he has at the time! Sure he cant do dishes but can help say get the laundry out the drier or check the post:cloud9: My 1 year old and 2 year old are not there yet though!


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## hypnorm

My 7 yr old does chores intact he has asked e to do a list for him,he can wash up under supervision and dry, if he make a mess I will ask him to clear up and yes I will get the Whiney stuff too.

But as a kid I was never asked to do chores of any sort, made me very lazy.


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## ErinA

I have to agree with Suzi, its fine for an 8 yr old to do chores, but the dishes is a little much. I have an 8 yr old daughter and her "chores" are cleaning her room and putting away clothes after they're folded. At this age the chore should be about teaching them responsibility and taking pride in their things/home...not a way to get mom out of some housework. My 8 year old would be totally overwhelmed if tonight after dinner I told her to clean up the dishes. She would gladly rinse while I washed or help load or unload a dishwasher.


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## ace28

Funny that I came on here intending to ask advice about my seven year old cleaning her room, and immediately found this thread! 

I honestly think it depends on the kid. Some are mature enough to handle the extra chores and responsibility (and gains- allowance, whatever) that come with it, and some just aren't.

My seven year old is currently bawling because I asked her to clean her room. Yes, it's pretty messy and there are toys everywhere but you know what? She made the mess and at her age, she needs to be responsible for cleaning it up. She keeps asking for help doing so (mostly because she doesn't want to do it alone I think) but I told her that if she made the mess then she can pick it up. She really doesn't have any other chores around the house though, mainly because she's truly not responsible enough or emotionally mature enough to do it. If she's throwing this big of a fit about her room, I can't imagine trying to make her do anything else.

I think, in the OPs case, she knows her own son best. Would my 7 yr old be capable of dishes? No. Not without a lot of supervision. But maybe her son is and he just felt like being a brat that night. Who knows!


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## summer rain

I think people are being a bit harsh on OP. My 8 year old does quite a few chores as do my other boys; my 8 year old doesn't do the dishes yet but he is going to start soon. My parents brought me up not to do any chores or housework as they thought it to be 'unfair' and to be honest I would have loved to have done so, after leaving home I was so bad at managing my time and cleaning up and it took years to get into the swing of things. My OH was cooking tea for his whole family, cleaning up afterwards and doing all the washing and ironing by the age of 9 and he is super organised and responsible. OP my 8 year old is a moaner sometimes as well, he has been like that ever since I can remember even when he was 3 and learning to use the potty I remember him saying how impossible it was and how he just can't do this, he has never changed I think its just his personality. Overall though hes a lovely kid and seeing some genuinely out of control children his issues are very mild believe me xx


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## mummy3

ErinA said:


> I have to agree with Suzi, its fine for an 8 yr old to do chores, but the dishes is a little much. I have an 8 yr old daughter and her "chores" are cleaning her room and putting away clothes after they're folded. At this age the chore should be about teaching them responsibility and taking pride in their things/home...not a way to get mom out of some housework. My 8 year old would be totally overwhelmed if tonight after dinner I told her to clean up the dishes. She would gladly rinse while I washed or help load or unload a dishwasher.

I find that harsh to say that moms who are having their children do chores such as dishes are doing it just to get out of housework. 

There's ways to word things without offending:flower: Each child at this age is different. 

I feel learning these skills is a huge advantage, other parents dont but neither is wrong:thumbup:


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## ErinA

Sorry if it seems harsh, didn't mean to offend. But everyone keeps saying that each child is different and that some children can handle more responsibility at this age than others. I agree, but obviously the child being discussed isn't handling all this responsibility very well, so maybe giving smaller tasks (such as making his bed or just taking out the trash) could be his chore instead of doing a sink full of dishes.


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## suzib76

I don't know about harsh, but I read replies saying some kids are able to handle more responsibility at that age. Imo that is harsh. I think kids should be allowed to be kids as long as possible. My eldest is 11 and I wish I could have back the sweet innocent 8 year old that she was. Of course as they get older they get more responsibility, but I really think its a shame for kids of 8 years old who are doing chores like dishes and hoovering etc etc. I just let my kids be kids, they grow up far too quickly nowadays without us putting adult responsibilities onto them when they are so little


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## wanna_bump

My son is 7 and while I ask him to straighten his duvet on a morning or tidy his things away I wouldnt expect him to wash the dishes ect. When I am cleaning the house (hoovering, mopping, cleaning windows) he sometimes does offer to help and he ends up taking a great pride in it but more than that, enjoys it. 

The comment about letting him stay up? Im sorry but he is 8...while he is growing up he is still a child and needs routine, you are the adult and should tell him when its bed time. Since its the school holidays my son is in his pj's by 7:30, in bed by 8 where he is allowed the light on for an hour to read, play on his leappad ect. 

By the sounds of your post it doesnt sound like he's 'out of control' he just being a child and pushing any boundries you've set and therefore its important you stick to them.

Bottom line is chores/punishments/displine is important, they should however be age appropriate.


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## lhancock90

Kids mature at different ages, maybe you were mature enough to start chores at 8, but your Son obviously isn't. Maybe try a different chore, i wouldn't allow an 8 year old to do the dishes incase they broke glass/china etc and injured themselves.
Begin with small chores and responsibilities and work your way up. My 10 year old sister was the same, now she packs her own lunchbox, hoovers, tidies her room etc.


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## ace28

suzib76 said:


> I don't know about harsh, but I read replies saying some kids are able to handle more responsibility at that age. Imo that is harsh. I think kids should be allowed to be kids as long as possible. My eldest is 11 and I wish I could have back the sweet innocent 8 year old that she was. Of course as they get older they get more responsibility, but I really think its a shame for kids of 8 years old who are doing chores like dishes and hoovering etc etc. I just let my kids be kids, they grow up far too quickly nowadays without us putting adult responsibilities onto them when they are so little

You know, I agree to some extent about the kidn of different chores (my 7yo won't be doing dishes or vaccuuming for a long time, due to reasons stated above) but at the same time kids have to learn responsibility somehow.

I ask my 7YO to clean her room and she cries and asks why I won't do it for her. Obviously responsibility is a lesson she's yet to learn, but that's okay. She'll get it. And in the meantime, she's not getting out of cleaning it up just because she's crying and doesn't want to do it.


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## mummy3

Oh yeah it should definately be age and child appropriate:thumbup: My daughter has a bedtime of 7pm, does she moan and whinge about that, sure! But she still goes to bed then! The chores I ask her to do (which do change, she's not made to hoover/do dishes and all kinds all of the time) she does quickly and without moaning because she understands that by helping she not only gets rewarded for being helpful but that she gets out the door faster :haha:

A kid that has a chore to do is still a kid:shrug: Still likes to go the the park and be funny and cheeky, just happens to be able to and want to help out.

It should definately be individual to the child, as parents we all know what is appropriate for our kids:flower:


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## summer rain

Kids used to do a lot more chores a generation ago and there was no question of them being made to grow up too soon or anything else; I don't see doing small things around the house as being forced into adult behaviour-at all. I remember when I was young I actually felt sad that my parents didn't give me any responsibility but my friends' parents did and I used to sneakily wash the dishes and so on when they weren't looking :D xx


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## JASMAK

My son is 9 and doesn't do dishes, as he would struggle, but I try to get him to help with things that make him feel successful (confidence booster at the same time)! I agree, kids can do chores, and being preggy, you can use the help, not sure if he should be blackmailed, but that is just me. I am sure spending time with you was very special to him, but maybe list a couple chores and let him pick, or help him....there might be more success...and don't expect perfection. He's only eight! Sounds like he did great...yeah, there was attitude, but why argue with him? He isn't happy...does he have to be? I don't have a smile on my face when I do chores. He has a right to feel bummed, but maybe just ignore it, or tell him that it's a big job, but you can help if he needs it. He isn't a maid. My kids actually want to clean...but I don't take away family time or love if they don't. They see me do it, and Jas will say "you work hard mom" and I will say yes (I am a single mom to 3 during the week)....then he will go off on his own and help in his way. I let them earn extra money...like $2-3. They basically clean their rooms, pick up toys, close the blinds, little things to help without bein paid (they do get allowance, but not related to chores). But, big things they ask to do for money is mowing (with help), cleaning the shoe closet, weeding, and babysitting their baby sister (which means playing with her in the backyard or trampoline with me listening). I think if your child feels good about it, sees you are proud of whatever he has done, and doesn't feel like it's not good enough, you might get better results. Good luck! It's sure not easy when pregnant!


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## jcombs35

Wow. Zombiedaisy isn't even talking on here anymore, and I don't blame her! I have three kids, 4, 7, and 9. A couple months ago, I had a long day of running around. When I got home, my kids wanted to play in the pool, but I had a mess of a kitchen and still had to cook supper. I explained to them everything I still needed to do before we could even think about going in the pool. My two oldest kids asked, "What if we did the dishes?" I really doubted it. I said, "You think you guys can do the dishes?" They were very confident, so I let them have at it. They struggled at first, and I had to step in and help them problem solve a couple times, but my 9 year old washed and my 7 year old rinsed and dried, and they both put them away.

Sometimes we don't give kids credit for their abilities. We underestimate what they're capable of. Making them do chores to earn a privilege isn't going to hurt them. It is a critical life skill. (You want money, you have to work.) Pushing them to do something "hard" isn't going to hurt them either. They learn to problem solve, and if it's not so hard it's impossible, it gives them self-confidence to face challenges later on! I think this woman knows her child and knows what he is capable of! I often ask my children to do things I'm not sure if they can do. Then I stand back and watch. When I see them get frustrated, I step in and offer suggestions. If it ends up being too much, I step in and help.

That being said, I think that taking away his seeing a movie after he did something to win passes was a little harsh. That's just my own opinion though. 

Sounds to me like he is testing his boundaries. Hold your ground. He needs it.


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## nugget80

My girls are 10/11 and do very few chores beyond keeping room tidy HOWEVER this is all changing as they are lazy little toerags and need to learn a little responsibility! As of pretty much now they will be having a list of chores to do and if they want to go out at the very least they need to have a tidy room... They will also be required to complete the chores in order to gain their pocket money each month. I think asking an 8 year old to do washing up is perfectly reasonable though it sounds like he shares the attitude with my 10 year old who will moan and claim she can't do it til I get fed up with moaning and do it for her...!


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## JASMAK

I guess I am lucky that my kids do alot of age appropriate things already...but we don't call them chores...they are part of living. Chores to me = maid.


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## jcombs35

My oldest and youngest are very helpful on their own. But my 7 year old has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and a slow working memory, and sometimes it's a huge struggle getting him to do anything.


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## onemorebabe

I totally agree that the tantrums are not acceptable, I have a 7 yr old who does the dishes.. I Did the dishes at 7 years old.. There would be no movie till his attitude changed.. Yeah let kids be kids but dont let them be bratty trolls..


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## toolboxoftemp

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## Ginger_Bee

OP, If you even come back to read this: Your son sounds like he's got something going on that needs to be talked out. I don't think this excuses his behavior, but COULD explain it. Give him the "Mom-Interrogation" (ex: Anything going on w/school?, how's your best buddy?, Anything bothering you you'd wanna talk about? etc.) I'm guessing he already knows disrespectful behavior = consequence, yeah? Handle that normally, but keep a close eye for anything out of the ordinary with him, he is YOUR son, you know him best, Mama. As far as him being "out of control" don't forget you're pregnant, and no matter how many times you've traveled the PG road, each journey is different. Are you having any specific stresses this time around? Anything out of the ordinary? You could just have a lower patience level, who knows?! I hope for your, and your son's, sake things can be figured out, so that you can get back to a beneficial family environment. Good luck, Mama!

OTHERS:
It really saddens me that the OP asked for suggestions to deal with temper tantrums and disrespect, but most of what she got was judgement on her parenting style and choices. Not supportive, people. Nor was it even constructive criticism. 

Many of you are totally appalled about an 8 year old doing dishes. I'm sorry, but are you freaking kidding me? Do you have dishes that are family relics that you use everyday or something? This is very confusing to me. I don't understand your shock or horror. However, just because I don't understand it, doesn't make it WRONG . . . it just makes it DIFFERENT. I really hope one day Mothers and Fathers of the world will understand: Just because someone parents DIFFERENTLY it doesn't automatically equate with WRONG.

And as far as the whole he's 8 y.o. let him be a kid: My eldest sister had a JOB at 9. By her own choosing. She's always been an ambitious, forward thinking, strong person. She wanted to earn extra money, and was too young to babysit. So, she got a paper route. She'd get up @ 5 am, wrap and stuff papers (with her siblings help, yes we got a tiny cut, too!) and get on her bike to throw 'em. My Mom followed her in the car, everyday. 

Now, you wanna talk about a Mom doing something AWESOME for her child, as far as life lessons?! My mother was a single parent of FOUR. But she got up with my sister, every day during appropriate weather, for TWO years, because my sister wanted to earn extra money. 

My sister is now a college graduate, employed teacher with a massive savings account and probably the most responsible, level-headed, fun, and HAPPIEST person I know! 

Maybe I'm missing something but doing something like dishes is something of a life skill, in my opinion. Taking care of one's home environment is key to one's personal well-being. Shouldn't that be something taught early on, instead of thrown on them once they're on their own?

:hugs: Good luck to you all in your parenting endeavors.


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