# Thoughts of suicide....



## Danie1stbaby

I've decided to vent on this board because strangers will tell you the truth and its easier to vent to them instead of people around you.

Killing yourself when you have a child is such a selfish act,but what if you feel cornered and feel as if you have failed yourself,family including your child?

I have actually considered suicide today.I feel so weak to be so close to ending my life.It feels as if it already ended anways.

My main question is,why am I always abandoned? How can someone who sacrafice so much and give so much love,be treated so poorly? what is my purpose here on Earth? I don't need to be justified by anyone,but we do need others in order to survive.If we didn't we all will be on a planet alone.

I had my first child 6 weeks ago.First time pregnant,and delivered a little girl.I am 27.I was a virgin until age 22.Never was a serial dater,only been with one other guy besides her father and her father was the first person I went unprotected with.I was with him for 3 years but he was never with me I guess.He told me I loved him too much.

He abandoned me at 4 months pregnant to be with a teenage prostitute.She is a real and actual prostitute.I found out bc a cousin sent me a link of nude pictures of them together online.Docs thought my baby was not gonna make it,she was growing properly,so I called to tell him even though it was a month since I've heard from him.He had his number changed and didn't want me to have it.His other child's mother and the prostitute had it,plus he was living with the teen prostitute and her family.

So much I could share,he gave me and my baby his ass to kiss.My family invited him to the hospital when I was in labor.He was there for me,and signed the birth certificate,which I regret.He walked away again 2 weeks after her birth.During those 2 weeks he told me she was his girlfriend back when he walked away and that she is now pregnant with his child,she isnt a prostitute anymore..so he thinks.My niece came home upset from church and told me she saw them in church.Then on mother's day,I got no happy mother's day from him and my cousin messaged me to say,she saw him and the girl on a horse carriage ride.Then a few days ago,he had his cousin message me on fb from his account,and it said"you can move on,keep the child you have,I'm having a new one anyways" He feels no remorse

I feel dead inside.Its not just him,the other guy i dated is on baby 3 and live with his children's mother.My dad left our family for another woman,even though he was there for me and took care of me,he still abandoned us as children.Do you see the pattern?? Every man I have loved,has chosen another woman over me.Now,my daughter is abandoned.

Not just men that have drove me to this,its my life choices.I made mistakes and I dont know how to cope.I just want to rest in peace.Im tired of people saying be strong,you have a child to live for...I cant even live for myself.Im more hurt that,my family and friends had higher hopes for me and I failed them.Now I am a statistic,single mom,out of wedlock,living back at home,no car anymore,not chasing my career,etc Im not in self pity,I am in shock,that my life has taken such a turn.I had it all under control,I just fell in love alone.The chance of enjoying my first pregnancy and baby has been stolen from me,all bc I fell in love.

I'm not that strong I must admitt.I can't take but so much.I lost everything,because I chose to love someone who didn't love me.I keep crying,and screaming out to God to help me.My cries are on deaf ears it feels like.I just want to stop caring,I want to get better but Im hurt to the corse of my soul.He's on carriage rides while I'm deciding whether or not I want to live.Yes,I have discussed him a lot in this thread bc he is the icing on the cake.I lost everything,even my high self esteem because of this man.My own brother stopped talking to me bc I had a child.He had high hopes for me and now he feels my life is over.

No,my child is not in danger,never crossed my mind to hurt her.I just feel awful that she was born into this situation.I fel awful for being willing to abandon her too by ending myself.I just feel like a bad mom.I wake up everyday unhappy,its draining and I cannot cope anymore.I fel like if I were dead no one could hurt me anymore and I wont be such a burden.Im so angry with myself.How did I end up this way? My doctor prescribed Celexa anti depressant.It still does not erase what Im feeling.I have yet to take those meds.I just hate my life,and hate who I've become.I feel like I've met the devil when I met him.My life was not the best before,but it wasnt what it is now.I stay in my mom's room until daybreak everyday because I am afraid of being alone.Today she told me to get out her room crying.So me and my baby are in my room alone.My thoughts are racing,my life is in a tug of war,should I stay or should I go? I can't take but so much.


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## BigZai

You want the truth short and not so sweet
Get over it.

Seriously i dont want to be mean but you have a child and no matter wht happens you have to pick yourself up and keep going. When you feel as if you failed ignore it because if your child is healthy (excluding diseases that are beyond your control) and they are happy 70% of the time you are doing fine

The depression and thoughts of suicide and pity are nothing but wasted energy

I would also like to say depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain so if it is clinical depression seek help


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## BigZai

Oh and it can be postpartum depression is very serious and has aused women to kill themselves AND THIER BABIES!!! 
And it is something you cannot just get over like i just said

And take the meds your doctor prescribed
You must MUST know that the meds will not work in a day or a week you need to take them as prescribed for at least a month for it to really work

I know i changed my tone from the first post but take from eerything i said
You need to take your meds, let things go and be strong for your kid who would be screwed without you
If you killed yourself he would have custody since he is on the birth cert and he would either
1. Treat you LO like crap
Or
2. Give LO up and then LO would grow up going from foster home to foster home feeling like nonody want them like you feel right now


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## BigZai

Sorry for the typos im on my phone

Please PM me i have a slightly similar situation 

My FOB left me told me to kill it and now is engaged and has a baby who is 3 months younger then my LO


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## Jinty

^ What she said.
I'm pretty sure 100% of parents on this part of the single parents forum has found it extremely HARD bringing up LOs on their own. Even if their still with their partners, it's still hard. It's true what Big Zai said... Best thing for you to do is to get over it. It's the only way for you to get past it.

Sorry to say it, but it's true you NEED to stay strong. You brought a baby into this life it's your responsibility to look after LO. Even you said your dad left when you was young, now the same has happened to your LO. Does LO need to lose a mum too?! Yes it is selfish, even just thinking about it. 

There's people in the world that has it a LOT worse than you. No one can help you but yourself. You need to be motivated to get yourself better before anyone can help you. Being negative and thinking about suicide is not going to get you anywhere. IF you want to get past this then you need to be dedicated and motivated. NO ONE can do that for you. 

There's only so much everyone on this forum can say to you before you find the strength to do it yourself. Your an adult and you have LO, you can't just depend on others.

Sorry if its harsh and hard for you to read about. I'm just being honest.


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## davidjoemum

why those people message you where he is with who and what is he doing now?you dont need that and thats not gonna make you feel better.you had prove how idiot he is by leaving you and your LO.he is the one who gonna miss out.
you need to get help move on and enjoy to being mum
good luck


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## jemmie1994

go to your doctor and get help!
you need to get a grip for your daughters sake giving up isn't an option
everyone on this forum has been let down by a man you just gotta pick yourself up and keep going


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## Shezza84uk

Seek help immediately! Be assured you can start over someone is out there to love you and your daughter but love starts with you. Teach your daughter the art of love by showing her how much you love her when you feel down cuddle your baby realise that you are not a faliour he is! She is not abandoned because she has you it's his loss.. 

Do not hesitate to seek professional help baby blues is not uncommon sending you courage, strength, peace and most of all acceptance of your circumstances it's not the end of your life just the beginning of a new chapter.. 

Hugs xx


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## angelpkj

think about this 

your pitying your situation 
hate the fact that all the men in your life and various others have fucked you over 


so now put yourself in your daughters shoes 
your the one person she knows and needs 

and your considering to fuck her over and leave her in god knows whos hands?

you gave birth 6 weeks ago 
give it time!
its taken me a year to be almost human and normal and feel happy again 

you need to change how you think 
its not just you FOB left he left LO 
you and LO are in this together 

all you can do is channel your pain into good-use it to make yourself a stronger woman 

we have all been thru so much heart ache and so many tears have been shed but in time the hurt heals and with it you have a new attitude to life 

you are only a victim IF you allow yourself to be 

don't let yourself be a victim to the hurt and pain of life


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## angelpkj

and FYI 
i come from a family where a child from wed lock is a big NO NO 

i got pregnant after being with someone 2 months
he left me at 5 months pregnant 
i had to move back home
i dont drive 
i work in a shitty job 

i felt utter shite 
i was just another number and so was my child 


a year on i have my OWN home and i'm getting somewhere with my job 

if you had told me all this 6 weeks after giving birth to my child i never would of believed it 

stand firm


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## Dream.dream

telling some one whose feeling like this to get over it is honestly one of the worst things you can say. 

if it si post partum depression or any kind of depression, if physcial not something you can just pick yourself up and get over, 

go to a doctor and try and get some help, for you and your babies sake, lots of hugs


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## BigZai

Dream.dream said:


> telling some one whose feeling like this to get over it is honestly one of the worst things you can say.
> 
> if it si post partum depression or any kind of depression, if physcial not something you can just pick yourself up and get over,
> 
> go to a doctor and try and get some help, for you and your babies sake, lots of hugs

Actually someone with some form of depression needs to take responsability 
Which means
Getting help (which she did)
Taking meds as prescribed (she didnt)
Giving the meds a month to work (she didnt)
And excepting things for what they are (shes not)

So yes she needs to hear(read) get over yourself. There is nothing we can say to help you because she is already neglecting the meds which her doctor prescribed.
When someone has this issue and is not doing anything to change it tough love is the only option and holding her hand and helping her throw this pity party will not change a thing

I have a father who only took his meds for clinical depression for a few years. And i barely remember him being happy and a good dad. Ever since he stopped taking them he has been throwing a 15 year long pity party neglecting my mother my siblings and myself. He now lives alone in a hell hole because he wont just get over himself and get over what pride he does have and take the damn medication.

I know its a chemical imbalance in the brain and people cant just get over it but there IS a point where they need to take responsability.


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## Shezza84uk

Dream.dream said:


> telling some one whose feeling like this to get over it is honestly one of the worst things you can say.
> 
> if it si post partum depression or any kind of depression, if physcial not something you can just pick yourself up and get over,
> 
> go to a doctor and try and get some help, for you and your babies sake, lots of hugs



I agree with this! I'm sure it's said with care but tough love isn't for everyone. In this situation she might be having pity on herself but who hasn't? when expectations are not met and reality hits you it is hard to accept this is the outcome. 

Abandonment is a real thing it's a huge condition that can lead to severe depression put post natal in the mix and imagine her turmoil. 

I really hope the op seek help but most of all I hope she realise that life has so much to offer x


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## Dream.dream

if anyone whos actually delt with depression before ( which i have) you should know that most people need support and encouragement and tell some one to suck it up is dismissing there feelings instead of trying to encourage them to help them selve. yes they need to adress whats causing it but not in the way suggested, its better to have some acknowledge that the feelings are real and valid and then help them find a different way to think about things, 

yes many have neglected the meds her doctors given her so maybe there is a reason for that. but bottom line you should never dis miss someones feelings when they are at the point of suicide you really wouldnt want to make them feel more helpless.


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## BigZai

@Dream.dream
She wrote that she is writing to strangers because they tell the truth so i did. I told her to go to the doctor and get help and when I realised that she wrote that she was to the doctor and got meds but didnt take them I said take them and give them time.
I understand it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It also has to deal with hormones and the pain of just being alive. My father has severe depression. I have problems with it and my mother worked in psych for 30 years. I know it does not make me an expert but t has given me enough knowledge to understand that while it is not something you can just get over... you need to. 
I am not dismissing her feelings because they are real and there is nothing wrong with feeling your feelings and let them run their course but when you are a single mother who is NOT taking the med the doctor gave you telling her to think of things in a different way wont help.
It is like in AA they say "give me the power to change the things I can, and accept the things I cannot change" the key part of that is acceptance. and how do you accept things? You make the choice to. Change what you can take the meds and accept that your life is the way it is.

Suicidal thoughts and threats are often for attention. I almost killed myself in middle school I had it all planned out and I told one person. They of course told the school and they found that my arms and legs were covered in cuts. My problems were not solved by people saying trying to find deeper reasons for why i did it. No one could help me I drank, cut myself, binged, purged and starved myself and what helped me get over it is getting pregnant(LO gave me a reason to change) and cutting all of the people who brought me down out of my life.
Maybe get over it is not the perfect phrase but it gets the point across. When it comes down to it it is up to the individual to decide what to do. She is at a fork in the road and she can either keep going down the road she is on or she can MOVE ON.

To the OP You have every right to be pissed and upset you have real issues with hormones and you need to do whats best for your kid which is NOT killing yourself. What you feel now is what she will feel when she is older and thinks dad doesnt give a crap and mom couldnt stand being alive because of me and you are setting herslelf up for this vicious cycle. so this is what you do
1. take a deep breath and take a moment to yourself
2. allow yourself to feel everything anger sadness and grieve the hopes you have lost
3. TAKE YOUR MEDS
4. Think about the good things in your life (really think hard)
5. Exhale and let go all the pain of feeling like a failure because you are not a failure. Many women are single mothers and many can empathise with you. It sucks to do this alone but hang in there. The moment where you feel like it cannot get any worse is the moment you need to hang on as hard as possible. There is a light at the end of the tunnel there is an end to this pain and it is not found at the bottom of a pill bottle. 
Please let us all know you are ok and PM me because I will talk everything you want out with you. I will listen (read) without judgement or bias. 
And to everyone who thinks I am a horrible person I am taking from my own life and trying to help just like you


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## BigZai

It would be really nice to know you are alright....


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## BigZai

I am being harsh I am sorry about that.


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## aintlifegrand

Trust me, do not end your life, I promise with every thing I have, that it will get better. You have been through a lot, get to a counselor ASAP. You have been wronged by a man, but I promise you that there are many out there that will treat you like you deserve. Please dont, send me a personal message with your number, I would love to speak with you


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## Laura2919

Suicide isn't something I've ever had to consider so I don't really know but I do agree you've got to get over it. Your living like there isn't anything to live for yet this world is a massive place and if you let go of your guard something would come along to make you incredibly happy but it's letting go, It's learning to know your strength rather than your weakness. 
Would you want to leave your baby behind? one of the greatest gifts we could be given? Who would care for her? Would you allow her to be placed in foster care? What people who commit suicide don't realise is everyone you leave behind. It is a selfish act and leaves a trail of destruction behind it. 

Go and see a dr and tell them how you feel. You need to be stronger for your LO.


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## Laura2919

Shezza84uk said:


> Dream.dream said:
> 
> 
> telling some one whose feeling like this to get over it is honestly one of the worst things you can say.
> 
> if it si post partum depression or any kind of depression, if physcial not something you can just pick yourself up and get over,
> 
> go to a doctor and try and get some help, for you and your babies sake, lots of hugs
> 
> 
> 
> I agree with this! I'm sure it's said with care but tough love isn't for everyone. In this situation she might be having pity on herself but who hasn't? when expectations are not met and reality hits you it is hard to accept this is the outcome.
> 
> Abandonment is a real thing it's a huge condition that can lead to severe depression put post natal in the mix and imagine her turmoil.
> 
> I really hope the op seek help but most of all I hope she realise that life has so much to offer xClick to expand...


I don't think BigZai meant to say it in such a way! I mean, I understood what she meant. 

I think we all understand abandonment to a point as we are all here in the single parents part of the forum. 

I agree it sounds very much like PND but I also agree with BigZai she has to take some sort of responsibility to get better if she cant see past her fog then she cant get better. 

I also think she needs to see a therapist, she needs to talk about this and get it all out or its going to live inside her forever.


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## gracexxx

I know exactly how you feel. I was with FOB for over a year, then we broke up and after i found out i was pregnant, but after a chat he promised to be there for me and out baby. At 7 months pregnant he ran off in my opinion deciding he wanted nothing to do with it ( he wont actually talk to me, so i just have to assume he wants nothing to do with us)
Since giving birth i have found out he has another gf and shes pregnant with his baby and hes decided to bring their baby up together but not ours, it kills me every day believe me, so when i say i know how you feel i really do. Stay strong x


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## kelzyboo

Sounds like post natal depression, you need immidiate help, please see a doctor before it takes all the enjoyment out of your first few months with your child, its something you'll never get back.

I will say this, i've been in a far worse place than you are now and i never seriously contemplated suicide, i thought about it but never 'really', i couldn't abandon my older child, i just couldn't do it to her and i wouldn't want to leave her, no matter what.
If you really could leave your baby, you need professional medical help asap.
I hope you get that help soon x


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## tooyoung

is she okay? is there any way to find out? I hope she hasn't hurt herself


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## BigZai

tooyoung said:


> is she okay? is there any way to find out? I hope she hasn't hurt herself

I was thinking the same her public profile said she logged in yesterday
hope shes alright


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## Lemonflower

Please stay strong hun your LO needs you. Don't abandon her like you've been abandoned.
You're gonna be one tough cookie after going through all this I promise. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel even though I know it doesn't feel like it - I felt like you during pregnancy but I got conselling which I believed worked and I'm focusing on being the best mum I can be.

Don't let that man spoil you being a new mummy.

Please get help. Speak to family, friends or a doctor. 

:hugs: xxxxxx


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## AnGP53

your suffering postpartum go get help asap love 
you can hurt yourself or your LO 
also you can be very happy when you recover your not on this earth to please anyone because you do bad you get judged you do good you still get judged so please think for your LO and yourself at the end of the day he's a loser how can you feel bad you should laugh in his face for going with a dirty filthy whore! she's worth nothing and i bet it on anything they will not last and he's going to be miserable let karma hit him in the ass .
get your head out of what he's doing or what your family and friends think and concentrate on your LO look for an activity to concentrate on yourself go to the gym, yoga, pilates go have a drink with a friend remember how important YOU are. get a babysitter or family member to help you because thats what you need the most because your not you right ,your in pain from labour, pain from your breast if breastfeeding, your not sleeping well your just getting used to your new life and your hormones are all crazy but its all going to get better when you get help trust me baby your going to be the best mother your going to be happy you don't need a man to make you happy! also i was just reading a magazine where jennifer lopez was explaining that she got postpartum and got help because she felt as if her twins didn't like her and my mother suffer postpartum too she didn't like me an my grandma raised me the first 3 months its happen sweety 
big hugs to you and LO enjoy this time of your life its the best part of life ever <3


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## MommaAlexis

Look up the song No lies Just love by Bright eyes. :)


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## surprisebaby

hi hope you are ok? I notice you made references to God and Satan in your post. And somehow I thought of this quote from the Bible. I personally find reading scripture really soothing when I am upset or hurt. I like this promise that God gives;

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Which means he has a good plan for your life. You need to believe in yourself more. Stop listening to your feelings. They are not always right. They are just feelings and they change all the time. sorry if thats sounds obvious.

I, like others here have been through a traumatic time, felt so abandoned, but what you are feeling now as you noticed is related to your past of being abandoned so the pain will be stronger, because you are grieving being abandoned when you were younger as well as what's happening now. That is why it might be particularly hard for you. Its a process you go through. A kind of grieving process.

It really does get better. I remember I used to cry every day when I was pregnant and a lot when my baby was just born too, but now I rarely cry. I have finally got through it. And you can too. Give yourself a chance to.

Try and go and socialise (mother and baby groups). It'll give you structure to your week. You maybe already do this, but I found going to baby groups made me focus on my new life instead of being focused on the past.

I think it was really brave of you tell us all of this. Don't be scared to talk to us all again. We are here for you xxx


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## Cata

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWAqd4LMO4g


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