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## MoonLove

Xx


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## 6lilpigs

She sounds like she is a little scared about the school coming up and is just looking for a little more reassurance :) I would check in on her a few times with a smile at bedtime tonight so she is not in there on her own thinking to deeply about it, I also wouldnt be suprised if it all stoppped after the first day or few days of school :)


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## Quartz

Have you talked to her about how she is feeling. Starting school is such a big big thing that means your emotions go all over the place and she is acting out.

It sounds to me as if she wants your attention and she wants to talk to you about something (almost definitely about school I suspect) but does not know how so is acting out to get your attention. She needs cuddles and reassurances that its going to be ok that nothing will change between the two of you and starting school is a positive thing.

The worse thing you can do right now is shout and withdraw as all that will prove is that her potential fears about starting school in relation to her home life is true and it will just cause her to withdraw.

Also just a heads up starting school can prompt in the short term a change of behaviour for the worst at home. This is completely normal a mixture of tiredness, being overwhelmed and having to stick to some pretty rigid rules during the day tends to overflow into acting out at home. The best thing you can do here is stick to any rules you had before and ride through it by supporting them. They do come out the other side.


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## Quartz

Also are the toys "baby" toys for want of a better word. It sounds like she has it in her head she needs to be a big girl for school (has anyone said anything like that to her) and therefore she needs to get rid of anything she perceives would not make her a big girl. She does not want to hence why she is doing it like she is.


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## MoonLove

Xx


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## Cattia

I think it's very normal for their behaviour to change when a big transition is coming up. She probably feels apprehensive and uneasy but doesn't fully understand her own feelings and is not able to article them yet so this is just her way of expressing herself. I think you need to try not to catastrophise things (I'm not being judgmental here, I'm a catastrophiser myself). If she has a few unsettled nights or a few evenings where she comes out of her room, it doesn't mean that she's never going to sleep or stay in her room every again or that you're going to lose all your evenings and get no sleep. It also doesn't mean you can't find ways to work through it with her. Even the best behaved children are bound to go through difficult phases every so often, but as long as you can support her through it and give her that security at home when everything outside home of changing, she will be fine.


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## k4th

:hugs: :hugs:

We have a 5 week old baby & dd starts school on Monday. She is pushing every boundary possible! I feel your pain!!! :hugs:

As others have said - starting school is a huge step & although 4 year kids can understand what's happening, I don't think they're capable of dealing with the emotions that such huge change can bring. And that leads to lots of negative behaviours. My dd keeps saying that she is excited about school, but gets a funny feeling in her tummy when she thinks about it!! We talk about the positives & the things that worry her - just for reassurance. 

Keep talking to your dd about school. The behaviour will pass! I hope you had a better night tonight!


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## MoonLove

Xx


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## k4th

:hugs: 

Sounds like she's trying to exert some control over something that she's in charge of. Starting school is someone else's choice iyswim?

I'd accept her choice & put the things away. I'm sure she'll ask for them back soon - or in a week or so I'd offer to let _her_ choose what she wants back from the pile. She'll probably want most of it.


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## Cattia

I forgot to say, my son does something a little bit like this too. After my DD2 was born back in April, he went through a phase where he would move ALL the toys from the playroom and put them somewhere else, but in a really organised way. He would group them together, so he would lay the books out in one place, the teddies somewhere else, then the cars etc. He would also add to it with other things, like hats, shoes etc, all in groups. He would say that he was making a shop or museum. He did it a lot for a few weeks, and he then did it a couple of times around his school settling in visit. I totally think it was a control thing with him as it is very different from the way he usually plays.


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## Hollys_Twinny

I think most children get to a point where they avoid going to bed. My 6 year old comes out with some of the shittest reasons why he 'has' to leave his bed. You just have to be firm. On the school front, all you can do is keep reassuring her, you might find that as soon as the first day is done she'll love it.


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## kanga

Haven't read the whole post sorry but when my son started coming out of his room at night I figured he wanted attention. When I put him down I would say, stay cuddled up and I'll come and give you q kiss in 5 minutes. And I would. And then I'd say that I'd be back in 10 minutes for a kiss. And most of the time he would be asleep then.

He's a bit older now and goes to bed with a torch to look at his books for a bit and then I go up after 20 minutes and he puts them down and goes to sleep fine.

She probs just needs some reassurance and physical love


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## MoonLove

Xx


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## Quartz

Bless her she sounds very anxious about starting school. 

If possible (and I know its not) try not to get stressed about it yourself. As an anxious daughter of an anxious mother and grandmother I know how much our anxiety can spiral. Behaviour changing at this age is normal and she will change - she is growing up


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## noon_child

Sounds like you can get quite panicky yourself about unexpressed anxiety. Maybe rather than trying to stop her thinking about school with distractions you need to let her know that everyone gets nervous about new things and reassure her that you and her teachers are there to answer any questions and help her whenever she needs it, that she doesn't have to look after herself that she will have lots of people looking after her. But just maybe during the day when she is calm. At bed time she needs the physical reassuring presence of you and or you OH. I'm sure you know what it's like to be unable to relax, sleep do anything other than obsess about what you are afraid of - wouldn't you like someone to sing to you, stroke your hair and tell you they will always keep you safe?

Has she ever seen you admit you are scared but push through the fear and come out the other side? Maybe you could tell her about a time when that happened and how much fun it was when you had stopped feeling worried?

I wouldn't focus too much on the toys. If she isn't allowed to throw toys, stick to the rule but be calm about it and aware it is likely a symptom of worry and nothing to do with the toys themselves.


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## wishingonastar

We found bedtime went from smooth process to hell in blink of an eye when our girls were 5 and 3. It got horrendous and we realised they were going to bed being told off, punished or shouted at most nights where they'd mess around, come out room, slam doors and all sorts

I sat googling bedtime problems and routines and used a combination of 3 routines to make our own specific one that worked for our needs. I also produced a sticker chart which stated in simple words and pictures what we expected (such as brushing teeth without whinging, staying in bed once we've said goodnight, being allowed one request). We adopted a strategy of going in after a timed interval and praising them on how well they were doing with staying in bed and laying quietly then went out again for further interval then returned. We use a timed music toy we have for this (my pal violet). Started with returning after the two min timer and now we do the ten min one. They were and continue to be generally asleep after one check in at most but all this meant they knew what was expected and what got rewarded and bedtime was mostly positive. 

It was as simple as our old routine stopped working so we had to adapt to their changed outlook and behaviour.

They were clear that if at the end of the week they had at least X amount of stickers from doing well at bedtime then they could choose a reward such as sweets or magazine at shop

I can honestly say it transformed bedtime for us all.


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## 6lilpigs

Hows it going for her :)


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## MoonLove

Xx


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## Quartz

can I ask why you are so scared of her coming into your room at night - I understand if you dont want her coming in bed as that is not for everyone but she could come in and tell you she is awake and scared - its normal a lot of children her age do at one time or another.

It sounds like she is waking up in the night and not knowing what to do and she wants to come in and get reassurance but she cant because she is worried about you and how you will react


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## pandacub

I was going to ask what Quartz did.. I'm seeing a lot of anxious words here, 'frightened' 'scared' and there's nothing to be overtly nervous about, it's normal kid behaviour :) I mean, it's a bit annoying, but if she was a good sleeper before, I'm guessing she'll naturally revert back to that when she's settled more at school. 
I agree that it sounds like she wants reassurance in the night but Doesn't know what to do?


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## MoonLove

Xx


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## Quartz

Have you spoken to anyone about this - I think its an association that if possible it would be good for you and her if you could break as it Ill be honest the fact that you have managed to get this far without someone coming into your room.

I dont see anything wrong with saying to her that your room is your room but I think you have to allow her to come in if she is scared - to me her behaviour is showing that something at night/sleeping is making her anxious and she does not know what to do.

In terms of how to handle it I will give you an example last night I was woken by my DD (who is 61/2) at the end of the bed terrified because she had a nightmare that people grabbed her off the street and kidnapped her and then were mean to her. She came in with us had a cuddle and went back to sleep. We talked about how it was just a dream this morning and she was fine I reassured her and she moved on. She was clearly distressed at the time and a cuddle and reassurance sorted it. I did not see it as breaching my sanctuary but simply tending to my daughter who needed me.


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## noon_child

I didn't get PND but I do understand some of the panic you feel (can't believe you had a second child - I've not gone there yet). When my LO has a bad dream I feel literally sick with the thought that we will both be up all night. BUT it is amazing how rarely we have a terrible night, and it is usually caused by me trying to get back to sleep too quickly without reassuring her enough, or not wanting to submit to the reality that some dreams are bad enough that she needs to share our bed for the night. The reality is she isn't a baby and now thank goodness she can explain what is wrong and understand my reassurance. I agree with PP that maybe you need some help learning how to let go of the past reality and embracing the new one, because you wasted 5hrs (when you could have been sleeping) worrying that you weren't going to get any sleep, which ended up being worse than what she would have brought you!


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## kaths101

Reading this it appears to me that your daughter is sensing your anxiety about bedtimes and night times, of course she doesn't understand why you are anxious but she is thinking there is 'something' to be anxious about at night times. 

I totally get what you are saying, I dread mine waking up as I'm the same the nights are for relaxing and having 'you' time but my 2 year old has been waking most nights and getting into bed with me and we all sleep well. They are only little once and I think as yours get older they will understand but it must be quite confusing that mummy's room is a no go area! Maybe that's why she is so focused on the stairs! :hugs:


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