# Pregnant and becoming single. Again.



## SpecialScars

Hi all. Please help me if I'm posting this to the wrong forum. This is my first post on here!

I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. My first three are from my marriage - ages 15, 12, and 10. They will all be a year older when this baby arrives. I've been with my current boyfriend 3.5 years - we'll be 4 years 'together' in May, when I'm due. This is going to be a long post. . .


Since my divorce, I have struggled in many ways. We were poor, one reason for the divorce - he didn't work. I didn't receive child support for years and very little other support from family, if any. I moved from Tn to NJ 5 years ago to start and complete a master's program in education, only to decide I hated it and although I finished the degree, I didn't work in education. So I'm still poor, just being a server and bartender, but I am able to provide for all my kids regardless thanks to learning how to manage small amounts of money. 

I was living with my ex-inlaws 3 years ago and having issues, so my BF suggested I move in with him and his mother. He had been living at their family business for 3 years until he was discovered, then moved in with his mother. I was VERY hesitant to say the least, but it seemed better than the tension that had been building at the other house, especially the environment for my kids, who were having issues. I thought it would be best if I saw he could and was willing to, be independent and provide for us first - not just always being supported by his mom. I was right to have those fears. 

Since moving in, my oldest child has severe issues including attempted suicide. My bf pretty much disappeared emotionally, never has helped financially, and doesn't do anything around the house. literally. His mother is exactly the same. She has a reverse mortgage, and he doesn't pay rent, so basically I pay for these other two adults. All this on a waitress salary. I have had health crises with myself and my kids, major legal trouble, and financial issues these last 2 years and he has always been absent for help. There's so much more. Basically I've been a single parent since we've been together, working fulltime and not gaining any benefits of a relationship. His mother is a whole other story. 

Anyway, tonight I am talking with them both about what I want and hoping it goes well. For 16 years I've wanted to be a nurse-midwife but I have never had the support to pursue this. With my recent master's, I have seen that I am capable of doing this!! So currently I have 6 pre-reqs I am working on, then planning to go back to an accelerated BSN 11 month program in 2018, getting my RN license in 2019, and finally being able to be on my own without a dysfunctional relationship stressing me out all the time. I am breaking up with my 'bf' tonight. He hasn't felt like a bf in over 2 years. I don't even know how I am pregnant! We have sex about once every two months and mostly it's completely unsatisfying and forced. He's gained 70lbs in the last 18 months and continues to eat out three times a day even though he barely works as a massage therapist and doesn't have that kind of money. His mom pays most of his bills and he hasn't done a thing to change his financial habits or make money since knowing about this baby. He has no children and has never been married or dated someone with kids. He is an only child and his dad is estranged. 

I want to break up, but I cannot afford to move out by any means at all. People assume that I can but the reality is I work 40 hours in a job with unstable income - serving. I also live in one of the most expensive states - NJ, with 3 dependents. I live very simply, have an old car I paid cash for, shop at thrift stores, and cook most our food from scratch. We don't have tv or a home phone, and only my 15 year old has a cell. I'm still very broke. Honestly, I'd have to make twice what I make now just to consider moving out and affording local rent. More like 3x. 

So, I have to remain in this house. I don't want to pretend like I'm his gf anymore, even though I'm pregnant. I'm tired of his mom thinking we're actually getting married even though 2 years after I proposed to him, he's even more uninterested. . .my needs are simple I think. I plan on working until my due date, paying all my bills and preparing for the baby all on my own - acquiring what is needed without their help (they're not helping anyway at all). Then I want to focus on finishing my pre-reqs and attending FT school fall 2018-summer 2019, with financial and childcare support. Then I can afford to move out and be independent. I want to be free from expectation from both of them. I want the support I have earned by taking care of this house and myself without ANY support from him for the last 3 years. I want support for 2 years. I will still do all the cleaning and cooking and shopping and childcare until I'm in school FT, but then I need financial help. I will have a little bit of child support money, but only for half of my actual bills, not to mention things like gas and food. For two years under the facade of getting support and help and love from my 'bf' I have actually been single and doing everything myself. All school and extracurricular activities, even needing to get babysitters or rides for my kids because he doesn't feel like doing it and I"m working. 

I guess I don't really have a specific question, but wanted some general guidance. I don't have any other options that I can see. I have a limited geographical area to move around in, can't very well get a better job for at least 7 months now since I'm pregnant. . .can't relocate my kids bc 2 of 3 are VERY emotionally unstable and can't handle anymore moves or changes. . .one is 1.5 years from graduating an alternative high school. . .Short of relying on another dysfunctional relationship to 'save' me, there are no options than staying where I am and trying to raise this child peacefully in a plutonic co-parenting situation until i am on my feet. 

My biggest fear is that he will not pull his weight and get a good enough job to support us. . .he hsan't worked FT in years and years, supported and encouraged by his enabling mother to work int he field he feels called to - PT massage therapy and now he's finishing 3 year acupuncture school - which is cool, but he's not really interested in working FT and looking at massive debt, too. I just want out of this fake relationship now so I can enjoy this pregnancy regardless and look forward to being single. Again.


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## ikaria

Did you talk to your boyfriend? Did you break up?

What about your family/parents? Is there a way they could help you?


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## Aloha_liz

It's been two months since you've posted. Just checking on you and wanting to know how your situation was going? I know you say you can't pick up and move again due to the kids, but listen you gotta get out of NJ. I know the cost of living is through the roof. Go to your local library, apply in other locations such as Alabama. I have two cousins who were fresh here from a small country called Micronesia. Neither of them possess a degree or a diploma and they moved to Alabama and are both able to get a job and support themselves. They live alone. It's super cheap to live there. Another place that's cheap to live is Texas and Ohio. If that's not in your plan, have you thought about working remotely. You have a masters degree in education. There are definitely teaching jobs you can work from home. Look on indeed. There are also teaching jobs here in Yorktown, va paying 4k a month in teaching elementary or middle school. You have to make changes soon. Good luck to you and your family


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