# second loss in 9months



## Bushmumma4

Hi ladies, 

I wish I didn't have to be here at this forum as I reckon many of you feel the same :( I'm so sorry to you all :hugs:

My family dealt with a mmc in late March of this year, we found out we were expecting ting again and wow how wonderful! I felt complete and nervous and along with that I had this constant feeling of worry for my unborn baby.

Sailed through all my appointments and we got ourselves a home Doppler to help ease our worries, what I fantastic device!! Jump to 16+3 and doctor hears baby's heartbeat racing at a wonderful sounding gallop of 160bpm - bliss :).

This appointment we arranged for a morphology scan to be done on the 15th Dec yay countdown was on, I'd be 18+1 and get to see my baby. 
Roll on to Monday 15th and hubby had gone to work early so he could be there to see our baby for the first time. The gel goes in and the sonographer starts looking g around, telling me I have an interior placenta (ha ha I thought so as movements were at low bottom and sides only ) and far an few between but I'd been feeling bubs since 14weeks.

A little more time goes and the sonographer Dias I can't get good measurements I'll get the other lady. 
I shrugged and looked at hubby ok then.she comes in and is aweful quiet , then says I have something to tell you---- we can't see a heartbeat... Our world just crushed, all I could manage to say is ok - to any thing she said.

She left us in the room and said take as long as you need, we feel to pieces! Crying and sobbing and saying sorry to each other. 

We were directed to go strait to my obgyn, he was as shocked as we were. No answers and he said Lynda and Craig this is a tragedy I have no words for. 

We knew we had to know the next step, I was not able to opt for a d&c as that could cause danger to my uterus. So I was prepared as good as I could be to be induced at 10am in Cairns hospital on the 16th December. 
The doctor finally inserted two tablets in me at 2pm and I had slight cramps moving toward the second dose at 8pm. I asked for something to ease the pain. They gave me codeine, it didn't help once the other tablets hit me at about 10pm I was in and out of the shower labouring like a pro (forgot to mention this is/was my ninth pregnancy/ would've been 4th take home baby). Then it hit me on my way back to the shower I called to my hubby and cried so hard saying " this is not fair baby , all this and nothing at the end no baby to bring home- he said baby stay positive and keep doing an awesome job.... He held me and cried with me then when found our inner strength to keep going strong. We were so exhausted and I called the nurse for something stronger she came back with morphine, it worked for about 20mins and then I found myself breathing through contractions again, ok more please I cried out.
Milly my mw had organized for me to have morphine on tap to self medicate.
She was gone for 10mins and hubby had fallen asleep on the bed they made for him. 

I was breathing and staying calm, shower sounds great about now I thought. I squatted in there but I was uncomfortable so I knelt insread, I had this bubbling feeling inside as though I opened, I got out and put my pants on with a pad and then I got another contraction which had my waters break and then I need to pee. I did pee and more fluid cane out too, I clambered onto the bed and again so calmly I was breathing and rocking my legs in and out. Another contraction and I felt "something" I rang the buzzer and Milly was there..... Milly "there's something there"...

She removed my underwear and sure enough there was my sleeping baby. 
Funny thing is that I was adimate I did not want to see touch feel hold or have anything to do with my baby for fear of it being harder to let go..
When Milly had said that it was indeed my baby I just birthed, I had my head bent over like a goose with their head up their arse trying to take a look at my baby. Milly said for my to stay still so she could take the cord from around baby's neck. I hadn't at that time paid attention to what she had said all I knew is I wanted my ba y in my arms. 
This little person was perfect!! Nothing wrong at all. 

Milly woke my husband and he was in shock it was over and asked why didn't I wake him? Sorry baby I didn't know it just happened. 

I held my baby and looked and checked over the tiny body, oh my we had had a son :( a precious tiny thought to be healthy baby boy. 
Milly came and asked would she like it if she cleaned him up some and wrapped him in a blue tiny mini baby blanket.
On his return he looked so beautiful, wrapped up sweetly. Thing is he was born with his eyes open. Like he wanted to see mummy and daddy before he left us. 

Harrison Cooper was born on the 17th Dec 2014 at 00:40 weighing 110grams and his length of 17cm. Turns out after the doctors checked to confirm millys saying of the cord around his neck 3 times- our son had been very active and choked himself. 

We have closure and a son that now lives with god.

Yesterday I was able to leave and took my three ba he's to the movies, it was hard but my eldest son (12) helped and comforted me through seeing other babies and guided me away with a hug and a kiss on the cheek saying it's going to get better mum, I'm here for you :cry:

Last night I slept so terribly and to it all seems harder, I know it'll get better but right horny brain says be grateful for what you have and I am really, my heart says listen - I'm f**king broken!!! 

Thank you for reading my story if you ha e gotten this far. I'm sorry for all other mum's and for what we must endure to move forward. Do


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## nessaw

Bushmomma I am so very sorry for your loss. I delivered twins at 14+5 in feb in similar circumstances and had a mmc in sept. Sending you and your family hugs.x


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## Bushmumma4

Hey nessaw, we have been on the same threads a couple times. I'm sorry you have had to go through this too. Thanks for reading and replying darlin.

I had to 're register as I couldn't remember my password but I thought if I used the same name with a number people might remember me :).

Hope things are looking up for you and I wish you all the best in your future endeavors xo


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## nessaw

I thought I recognised the name! We've just had rmc testing and nothing found so just taking timeout to decide whether to try again.


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## Bushmumma4

Oh huni :hugs: it's a hard choice to make, and the unanswered question of rmc must make it that Mich harder. They offered Craig and I that but the shock of Monday we said straight away no more! I'm already at the stage where I'm not sure if that was a wise choice of words but I do know that after loosing this baby that pregnancy would not be an easy enjoyable experience and I would not be able to buy a single item until I had the ba y well and alive in my arms! That alone sounds like too much stress and I keep telling myself - it's ok Lynda you have 3 healthy children at home that love you, why torture yourself anymore? 

All these question so soon and I end up a mess. 
Thing I said to my mw on Wednesday at 7am was - for a really tragic situation ~ this has been a great experience. 
I know that sounds strange but because I found out the reason off Harrison passing with any invasion of his tiny body , I feel blessed. The fact that I was lu my enough for Labour to only take 11 hours from my first dose , another blessing. Also I had no problems with delivery of the placenta , again another blessing. We were able to know just by looking that our ba y was a boy with out testing, another blessing. The fact that it was not caused by genetics and just unfortunateluck he was strangled by his life line doesn't make it easier but is more so ironic than much else . 

I know right now I want our son back and I know it's not possible though I can't help but wish this was just a horrific dream . 


So sorry for rambling it just spills out.


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## Boomerang

Hun its Tanya (Wales) I am so so so sorry :cry: pm me here.. snapchat (Tanyathenag) again my mobile broke and lost my log in details.. on acc and snapchat xx


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## Wriggley

I'm so sorry for your loss hun :hugs:


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## Emma23

So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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