# My angel baby, lost at 23 weeks 23/09/2011



## feeble

Here is my story. 

I got pregnant 23 weeks ago, it wasnt planned. We hadnt expected to have another baby for a good while. I couldnt believe i was pregnant, it didnt feel real somehow but all the signs were there and we went in for our 12 week scan (at 9 weeks) and even on the way i told Liam that i thought something would be wrong, or i thought that we would get there and there wouldnt be a baby. I didnt think there was anything 'wrong' with the baby... just that the baby wasnt there.
*
It was confirmed that i was pregnant with a baby and i continued feeling not pregnant right up until our 18 week scan on the 19th of August. On the way there i still said to Liam 'are you sure i am pregnant' 'are you sure its a girl' 'i dont feel pregnant' liam go so bored of me asking these questions about the baby that he was quite exasperated by then. Still i continued, so clearly unsure about the baby in my belly. I would say to him 'do you remember when i was this pregnant with Jasper? It was very different wasnt it?'
*
With Jasper i can remember waking up in the morning and talking to him even before i knew he was a boy, i was so pleased when i found out his sex because i could talk to him as a boy rather than 'the baby'. Finding out the sex seemed to just solidify a bit of his personality, his character.
*
With this baby girl. Well i just think i never connected with her, it never felt real and then when i was told everything was okay... well i was willing to go along with it because i SO wanted a baby girl, it seemed SO perfect and right. I so wanted to meet my daughter.
*
But it is not time for us to meet her yet.
*
So when i went in for our 23 week scan (routine, just to check the babies heart, not because of a worry about any problems) I was not thinking for a second that there would be any problem.
*
That moment, when the radiographer held the ultrasound machine over the baby, and she was all squashed and there was no movement. Oh it was horrible. Mum burst into tears, no one could believe it. She said she would just check but i knew. I knew she was dead. She put her hand on my knee and just said 'i am so sorry'
*
'i need to phone Liam' i said, wiping the gel off my belly
*
'would you like some photos'
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'No thanks, good for dead baby photos cheers'
*
'She has some of the baby before she died' said mum through her tears
i was already out the door, funny how quickly all the air can leave a room when you hear words like those, that airless, claustrophic room with a stranger, that picture still up on the screen of my dead child was too much for me. I needed to go outside quickly.
*
I went out the front, sat on a little bench and phoned Yeovil college to get hold of Liam. Finally managed to convince the air-head blonde on the phone that actually going to get liam from his class personally and getting him to a phone was exactly was what necessary after much 'oh but i can get him to call you within about half an hour' etc
*
Sat on the bench, watched the minutes tick by. 9 minutes. Mum appeared... without Jasper
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'where is my baby?'
*
he was with the nurses having a whale of a time. She had come to make sure i was okay. Of course i wasnt okay but i only had one thought in my head. I Must Phone Liam.
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10 minutes, Liam calls.
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'Liam'
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'Are you okay?'
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'Liam our baby girl is dead'
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'What! No, Fuck off!' tears etc
*
Liam comes home on the train. we go back into the airless, NHS building
find Jasper. Making everyone smile.
*
'Is everything alright'
*
Oh how you wish you could tell the truth when people ask you that... No, No everything is NOT alright, not only have i just found out my baby is dead and has been for some time, meaning my body has been hanging on to, and treating a little dead child as a live one. Not ONLY have i just found that out, i know that i have to birth this baby, that it is big enough that I will have to labour it and deliver it. I know that i have to do that and whats WORSE is that rather than you just TELLING me what it is i have to do, dosing me up with whatever drugs that you need me to take and then letting me go home for a bit, you are going to FANNY about asking me questions like 'is everything okay' and expecting me to break down in tears and require the paid-for-mental support of some overworked NHS nurser when ACTUALLY all i need is clinical support from you people and i can go and grieve with my family and friends.
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'I'm coping, what happens now'
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'well we need you to go to obs and gynea and speak to a consultant'
*
lovely, wonderful, fucking tip-top. Here we go on back to the room where all the pregnant women sit, wide eyed and hopeful, praying for a wee boy or a wee girl whilst clutching their maternity notes and clinging on to their nearest and dearest to share in the excitement
*
wonderful
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So here i am in the obs and gynea waiting room, Oh look there is a girl i went to school with, who dated my brother once, FANTASTIC just whats needed. Trying not to make eye contact, trying not to cry, trying not to ming out all these lovely volumptious pregnant folk with my sad face and eyes that tell a different story to any they want reminding of at the moment
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'Fiona Ryan'
*
Thank fuck for that... off we go then, into yet another Airless room (this one has a window that doesnt open and 'sensitive' purple chairs and wall decorations
Jasper runs around giggling. Midwife walks in
*
'How are you?'
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ARGH!
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'I'm coping, what happens next'
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'do you need a minute?'
*
No i do not need a minute, i need the very opposite of a minute, i need to go back in time and not be in this situation, i need to have found this out at home or weeks ago or IT NOT TO HAPPEN AT ALL
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'no i would like to know what happens next'
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'right well we are going to give you this pill, its a hormone which will stop your body from thinking the baby is there. Then you will come back in in 48 hours (Saturday Morning) and we can start labour as we would if you were having a full term baby'
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lovely
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'so i have to go through a labour, a proper actual labour'
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'its like a mini labour yes'
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'i would like all the drugs please'
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'okay i think we can arrange that'
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good.
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'now, how are you feeling mentally'
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like i would rather be anywhere else in the world then right here in this purple room with you
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'i'm okay, how long will it take'
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'hopefully not too long, as its your second baby'
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great, marvellous so no real answers there
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'when can i go home'
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'i need to go and get you the hormone from the labour room, that will take me around half an hour, you can wait here'
*
Great, i can sit in this room of death and pain for a whole half an hour, i dont even have enough battery on my phone to play solitaire. Nice. (i should probably add here that the midwife i dealt with was lovely, she obviously cared very much about my situation and about me, it is my lack of ablility to deal with such things that are making me seem like such a cynical twat, it was not her fault i felt like that, i just wanted her to give me a bullet point of information, whatever drugs i needed to take and let me go home. thats why i wasnt at all nasty to her, she was actually very very nice)
*
'can i sit outside?'
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'yes there are two benches out there, go and sit outside'
*
then i had to phone Anna, it was nearly as hard as phoning Liam. She's such a good friend and has already had a shite week, telling her that her Godchild had passed was not great for either of us.
finally, midwife is back with the drugs
*
'now before you take this...'
*
what? what could you POSSIBLY want me to do, jump on my head? do a little dance? answer pointless questions about sod all so you can tick off a little form?
*
'...can you just confirm blah blah blah blah'
*
confirmed
*
'now i can see your the type of person who likes to get things done with and put away and not really think about them but you have to be nice to yourself'
*
okay midwife lady, lets try and say this as pleasantly as possible
'i am able to grieve, i am able to go home and sit with my family and my friends and cry and shake and sob, i am able to write poetry, talk about how i am feeling and if necessary go to a big hill and scream and scream until its all out, what i dont need is to do that here, this is the clinical bit, the grieving bit comes after this whole mingfest'
'okay dear, well take this pill and we will see you in 48 hours, if you have any cramping or contraction feelings then come in earlier or give me a call'
*
'thanks'
*
-----
*
Thursday was HORRIBLE, this all happened by sort of 11am, by 1pm i was contracting every half an hour or so with period type pains, nothing major just thought i would leave it. I was thinking about how i felt about everything and trying to understand why i felt so calm about it on a spiritual level.
*
well maybe its because these things happen in nature
maybe its because i never really felt the baby existed in the first place
i think its because this baby never really had a soul, my daughter, my Ivy-Mae never came into this body, this life. That little baby body in my belly was never inhabited. It grew for a while and when it was not entered into, it died. Its natural. It never was.
perhaps that makes me seem like a cold heartless bitch. Perhaps i should have felt more 'loss' from the situation but actually my overriding feeling was absolutely feeling sorry for myself.
*
I knew that 48hours after taking that pill, i would have to deliver a baby, i would have a labour and go through contractions and (this is the bit that terrified me) push out a baby with no life in it.
i didnt know what she would look like, she had been in there so long she had started to compact herself down.
took a dihydracodine, fell asleep at 10pm
*
I woke up at 4am on Friday morning, still contracting regularly (much more painfully now though) Anna was online, god shes amazing, chatted to her.
*
Went to sleep at 6am, slept til 8.30. Woke up
Major wincing contractions. Cant be bothered doing this for another whole day.
*
Phoned the midwife
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'come in, the labour ward isnt busy'
*
cried all the way there, so so terrified of what was about to happen. Liam was great, mum concerned i hadnt eaten took us to waitrose for coffee and cakes, last thing on my mind was coffee and cakes, actually best thing ever coffee... needed it.
got to hospital in a blur, receptionist (perfect)
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'hi i am here to give birth'
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'well are you in labour'
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'sort of, its a still birth'
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'Oh, go and sit in the waiting room'
*
labour ward waiting room, yay and whoop, praying no one comes in
finally we are carted off. Room 9... will never forget it
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'this is your midwife'
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'hello'
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'hello how are you?'
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'Okay, we are obviously going to be spending some time together, i dont want you to ask me how i am, i am sorry if i seem cold but i feel like i am going through a clinical proceedure, i dont feel like i have lost a baby i dont feel like i am grieving a child. I would just like to get this over with as quickly as possible and on as many drugs as you are willing to give me'
*
'what drugs have you had so far'
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'i had a dihydracodine at 8pm and 2 paracetamol at 8am'
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'okay well it sounds like you could do with some more dihydracodine then, good choice'
*
i think i am going to like my midwife
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'i would rather you just brought me drugs, dont wait for me to ask for them or ask me if i want them, just hand em over'
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'no problem, i see you are allergic to Ora-Morphine'
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'yes i am but i would like to make it very clear that i am NOT allergic to Morphine'
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'very good, noted'
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'excellent, could i have gas n air'
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'yes as much as you would like, i will go and get you a tube now'
marvellous, after a DC and a swil of gas n air i felt much better
*
---
*
3 hours later
*
contractions ramping up a bit now, had an internal and some 'speed me up drugs'
more DC
injection in the arse, Morphine (But a bit stronger apparently)
hammered... properly hammered. me and Liam necking gas n air and giggling whilst the midwife and mum are out of the room. This went on for a few hours
at about 4pm the contractions were HARDCORE and very low (wont be long now)
more morphine, double dose...
*
7pm - me and Liam alone in the room, the contractions stopped, i assumed my cervix had dialted and i would get another contraction telling me to push, this was the bit i was most worried about because i didnt want to feel a tiny baby, i didnt want it to hurt, i didnt want to see it. i was so scared before hand but now it was here and it was So Calm.
I felt so rational
so at peace
*
for ten minutes i waited and then i realised what was going on
i called a midwife
i said goodbye to my little girl
i pushed her out of my body.
*
she was delivered at 19.10 in a calm room. She was born in her sack complete with placenta and waters. I just had a shower filled in some paperwork (fucking NHS) and went home.
*
It was peaceful, it was how it should have been and it was the end.
Do i feel like i gave birth? No, i can't call it that, i delievered a dead shell of a baby, i didnt birth a soul into the world, my daughter is still there waiting for her body, she never entered that one. Perhaps the post-mortem will tell us why on a clinical level that body never survived but i know what happened on a cosmic level, i could feel it and it was clear to me.
*
I am not sad or bereaved or angry or hurt, i dont blame myself or anybody else. It was a minging thing to go through but actually, at least it wasnt my first born or a much longed for, much planned for little baby, i havent wrote this so people will feel sorry for me, or wish things were different (though i totally do wish things were different) but because actually, it is one of the most horrible things i think a human can go through and actually it was 'okay' because its YOUR mind that dictates how these things affect you, its up to you wether to make the most out of horrid situations or not. I delivered a stillbirth baby girl, not many people have to go through that (thank God because it was a proper ming fest) but actually, it was spiritual, compassionate, gentle and loving because we chose it to be. Because I chose it to be.
*
that baby taught us that we have room in our hearts and our lives for another little person and that is a special lesson. We came together, me and Mum and Liam in our grief and dealt with it as we could I imagine i will have some more grief to deal with when my emotional self pops its head out of the fog and decides to start the 'what if' games, but blissfully, for now, while i deal with the here and now, my brain is stopping that emotional Fi from coming out so much. Right now i need to deal with WHAT is happening and when thats done i can start to pull her out of her hiding and comfort her.
*


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## feeble

Oh sorry it's so long! 

Since then we have had the postmortem results, baby girl had her cord wrapped around her neck twice very tight.. That's the only cause they could find. Just terrible bad luck 

Thanks for reading x


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## kiki04

My goodness :cry: What a terrible ordeal for you and your family :( I am so sorry you had to find yourself here, in this group, but if you had to join any group in the world to have other people who can understand and share your feelings and your grief of this awful situation we have all been placed in, this is the one to be a part of, as the ladies here are so amazing and have helped me tremendously. I hope we can do the same for you... so just remember anytime you need to talk, scream, yell, cry or embrace your daughter, we are here for you :hugs: :hugs:


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## feeble

Thank you Kiki, I feel glad to have found a place that caters for the second tri loses, different from full term and from miscarriage I think x 

Thank you for replying x


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry for your loss. Like Kiki says, I'm glad you have found us, we are here for whatever you need.
Posting from my mobile right now, so will keep it short as im sleepy! didn't want to read and run. Will write a proper reply tomorrow when I get on the laptop xxx


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## DueSeptember

*Sorry for your Loss  *


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## dnlfinker

Sorry about your baby girl


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## feeble

Cheers all x


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## winterwonder

I'm so sorry for you loss xxx :hugs:


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## babylou

So sorry for your loss. 

At the beginning I kind of had the same feelings with Samuel. When I was first expecting my DD I bonded with that bump, and loved every minute of her growing inside of me. Now I am not saying that I didn't love Samuel with my whole heart because I did, but it wasn't the same. Perhaps the shock of the pregnancy (we had given up trying DD is 7 years old and we struggled to concieve), and the thought of tiredness and pain was all too real for me, I don't know.

But I soon got excited and looked forward to meeting my baby, those few weeks before the bad news were great, and I got over the sickness, only to receive the bad news like you.... Samuel was 15/16 weeks when he fell asleep.

Yes, I think your emotional side with start appearing, and it will be truly horrible. It sounds like you have good support in your family, and I expect your son will become a tonic for you and your OH. 

All of us here on this forum have had terrible experiences, and it has brought us together to talk and support others. I found the ladies on here gave me such comfort and understanding when I needed it. (Thankyou all :hugs:) I hope we can do the same for you.

Take care 

Love and hugs:hugs:


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## OliveBay

So sorry for your loss. There are so many similarities in our situations. I went for an emergency checkup at 22 weeks in September as I hadn't felt any movement for a couple of days and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was sent to the hospital and they scanned me and it showed the baby was dead. This was our first baby, and very much planned and wanted. We were totally heartbroken as everything had been fine in the pregnancy until then. Like you I went back to the hospital to be induced a few days later. The whole process is just awful, but the midwives were fantastic. I have to say, I never realised what late-stage miscarriage actually involved - I guess its not the kind of thing anyone likes to think about really.

I hope you have managed to grieve at home with your family and are feeling strong enough to deal with what the future has in store for you. I'm sorry you've had to join us here, but pleased you've been able to share your story with us. Sending you lots of hugs, support and positive thoughts for the future :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry for your loss :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
After I lost Ava it didn't hit me for like a week and after that it was another 2 weeks before I came out of my bedroom/.
Ava was not planned, i already have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and finding out at 40 I was pregnant was a huge shock to everyone. Most were happy for me but my husband was not thrilled he felt we were done raising our kids and now it was our time. After about 3 months he did get excited but kept saying it is going to be our 4th boy . I didn't even care what it was I was just so happy and felt so blessed. Then we found out it was a girl :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9: I can't even describe how I felt. You know when you want something SO bad and then accept the fact you will never get it? Then all of a sudden your dream comes true!! That is what it felt like just happiness. Then I went in for my amnio and before she could do it the sonogram told her there was no heartbeat:cry::cry::cry::cry: I don't think I ever screamed that loud in my life, I was and still am heartbroken over loosing her. I am better but my heart will always be broken and this emptiness never leaves me. I had her in my home we held her and we buried her on 3/11/2011, I can't believe it's 10 months she is gone :cry::cry::cry:
I want to try again in February and I am hoping things will be ok, I will be 42 in June so I am scared. I went to my doctor on December 12th and he told me to try again . We will see. Thank you for sharing your story and for reading mine. I wish you all the best for 2012. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Andrea


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## MummyStobe

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. 

All the ladies here are amazing, I hope you get as much comfort and support from everyone as I have.

Xx


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## jennijunni

I am so, so sorry. I think a lot of us have had similar feelings as you, and it is strange how our mind and soul know things our bodies dont. I am sorry you had to go through this, and that you have to be part of this club. Lots of hugs to you. I am thinking of you.


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## yazoo

I am very sorry for your loss. Xxx


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## Nikki_d72

Hi Fi, I am so sorry for your loss. 

I had a similar feeling about things when I was pregnant with the twins - I wanted them so badly and was stoked to be pregnant but I didn't feel the same bond with them as I did with DD and she was unplanned. I had none of the mad dreams and things this time that I had when I was carrying her and I had a strange sense of dread I couldn't shake. I started doing yoga and during the visualisations bit I just couldn't see my baby (it wasn't confirmed I was carrying twins till the emergency scan after my waters broke, I was due my scan 2 days later but I had a strong feeling tthere were two, but couldn't visualise the birth at all) and one session I started crying uncontrollably for no reason. I often think that on a spiritual level I also knew that it wasn't to be. 2 spiritualists recently haven't picked up on them despite getting lots of other things about my life and I wonder is that because they didn't actually enter their bodies or were never meant to stay? 

I'm rambling but I wanted you to know that I get where you're coming from on the deep unconscious lack of bonding and maybe the innate knowledge that things weren't right, even when there was no physical evidence of this. 

I'm sorry again for your loss. I'd also like to say that you are an extraordinarily good writer.

I wish you gentle days ahead and I hope we can all help you through as much as possible, the ladies here have helped me tremendously these last 5 months.


xxx


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## feeble

Thanks nikki x at first I thought it was me being cold or trying to shy away from the heavy reality but I didn't feel at all pregnant with that baby, even now I feel pregnant I feel quite firm in the knowledge that in the summer we will have a fourth member of the family but my head is a bit more causious about things x 

I am having quite a horrid time at the moment, my partners mother is being particularly cruel and I do need some support surrounding that but I am going to wait until j's nap to go into it properly... 

The due date would have been the 18th jan... I am dreading it :(

Thanks everyone, I know some would have put this in the stillborn section but as the baby died at 18 weeks and it was 23 weeks when we birthed her, I feel more connected to this forum x


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## Nikki_d72

The funny thing is I felt way more pregnant physically than last time as I was so ill and wiped out and HUGE, but obviously I know now why, and on a concsious level I was so pleased and happy but still had that wierd sense of disconnection and dread, like something was going wrong,even though there was nothing physically wrong with my babies - it was just a bloody leak that caused them to lose their lives. 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time from your partner's mother. You post wherever you feel comfortable hon, we're not caring about cutoff points of gestation or otherwise. There are quite a few ladies here who birthed at 20-odd weeks or thereabouts, you are more than welcome here, though I wish you didn't have to be here at all.

xxx


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## feeble

Me too:(I wish iwascomplaining about my baby bump and sore feet, waiting for mum to arrive in the country to help us out... 

It's just so sad, but hopefully these feelings of missing wht should be happening now will ease after the due date, and then of course when my new bean is born in August x


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## natty1985

So sorry for your loss xxxxxxxx


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## Hellylou

Wow, reading all this...I have to say I totally agree with what you are all saying. I felt the exact same feeling that this baby wasn't going to happen. I honestly suppressed those thoughts as much as I could but I couldn't help it - I just couldn't see that in February we'd have a baby. I never felt like that with my first two. I just pushed these feelings away, but when everything went wrong in September there was a total inevitability about it. Wow. I thought it was just me.

I am so sorry for your loss...xxxx


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## feeble

mamas instinct knows best hey x 

that was the biggest thing for me, i couldnt picture myself with another baby in January... it just never seemed real...


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## Hellylou

Yes! And I kept saying to my husband all my fears, and he actually said to me "it's like you're just waiting for it all to go wrong!", seriously. Everyone was moaning at me to stop being so negative and stay positive but I knew, I just KNEW! My instincts were spot on, and I so wished they weren't. In my first two pregnancies it never even crossed my mind that anything would go wrong, and it didn't. This last one...everything was wrong, right from the start. I have never really faced that, until now.


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## feeble

In my lowest points i think i 'made' it happen by not connecting with my baby, i think thats why its quite a hard thing to come to terms with, really we KNOW that we had a mothers instinct that not everything was okay, that the baby wasn't full of person if you know what i mean... to me it felt like the table was set but no one had come to dinner... 

but in our darkest moments we think that we could somehow of caused it by not connecting... i dont think thats true though. 

My spiritualist friend said to me that the spirits that spent time in our babies knew that they would never make it skinside and they just wanted to feel our unconditional love, so in some way we chose to allow that them as they chose to experience it... i think thats beautiful x


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## Hellylou

I'm very spiritual, and do reiki healing, and during my short labour I gave my little boy as much reiki as I could to help him on his way. It was not much, but it was the last and only gift I could give to him, as my body had let him down so badly. It was my only way of connecting with him. I had only just started feeling him kick when I lost him, and during the labour he was kicking til the very last moment. Those were our moments, I think. I connected with him and he connected back, and then he was gone. He's still with me, though, every day. 

I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to happen, that he wasn't going to make it, but somehow it wasn't all for nothing. He's with me, just in a different way.


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## kiki04

Well here is a true testament of mothers instinct!!! I wrote this post on another forum I visit on May 17th!!! 



> but since day one I have felt like something was going to "happen"with this pg. I just feel so blessed to ahve 3 perfectly healthy children, no asthma, no allergies, no disabilities or diseases etc etc etc that its almost like I pushed it with 4. Like I will go in at my apt this week and there will be no HB or I go for my u/s and there will be something wrong, or I will go into labour prematurely and something will happen. Is this weird? I never felt this way with my other babies

Hadlee was born on May 26th.... 9 days later.

This still weirds me out to this day. I somehow just knew somewhere deep down inside.....


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## Bride2b

I think there is worrying (which we all do naturally) and then there is mothers instinct. I was the same from day one of my pregnancy, I was so scared to tell anyone in case something went wrong...thats why I never told my work colleagues. Maybe something in me knew I would never hold him with his heartbeating. I also could not quite visualise us having him in April, it just didnt seem like it was real.:cry:

x


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## MummyToAmberx

:hugs::hugs:


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## tummymummy

Im so sorry for your loss hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## mischaa

totally agree with mothers instinct with my daughter sarah I was lay in the bath at 23wks an knew something was not right I lay there an begged my baby to hold on in there atleast a week longer and sure enought a week and 5 days later I went into labour and she died in my arms 30 mins later :(


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## Eve

So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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