# Thinking of Adoption am i being selfish?



## mum2liam

Hi Ladies,

Well my hubbie and i have talked on and off about adopting, for the past few years.
We have 4 boys, and hubbie had the snip done after our last, who is 2 1/2 now.
We had talked about him having a reversal as we felt that we should not have got the procedure done so soon after the birth of our son, obviously there was alot of talking to decide, we got to the morning of the app and hubbie backed out, i mean i was upset, but would never make him do something if he was not 100% 
He explained his reasons for it, and totally got what he was saying.
The main thing being that it may not even work, and the stresses and upset that can come from that.
I have always yearned for a daughter,i feel very lucky and i adore my boys and wouldnt have it any other way, a daughter would complete our family.
And to give one a loving home would be very special.
At the moment i am doing lots of reading, research and reading peoples amazing journeys.
We have decided that it would be next year before we would start the process, 
We are located in Scotland so im not sure if the process differs from England at all, but just really looking for how the process starts and where you go from there?
Thanks in advance ladies, i understand people have different reasons for their own journeys, but am i being a bit selfish?
Xxx


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## missk1989

I don't think you are being selfish - we have a birth child and are now adopting. We could have accepted what we had but wanted more. We were told however that there are more boys in the system than girls and that they would say that specifying a girl means you wait longer for a match.

For us the process has had its ups and downs but nothing too bad. It takes up alot of time in appointments etc where they expect to see you for hours at a time without your children around so make sure you have a good support network.
Is there anything specific you want to know?


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## helloeveryone

I don't think you are being selfish, I am a foster carer, so know a bit about the process, you will have to be patient, like the previous person said have a good strong support network.
What age are you thinking of adopting?? Lots of people waiting for little one ( under 5 years ) but if you want older than that, the wait might not be as long, also there is lots of silblings about, and if you wanted and had room for two girls, then wait might be shorter.

I am so lucky as I have 3 girls and 3 boys, I love having a big family, and it gets bigger when we we have foster placements, my last one left 2 weeks ago to go to a lovely family for adoption, still miss him, but know he is being totally in the right home with his perfect family..
Good luck to you, and if you want to know anything, ask away, I might be able to help.xxx


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## mum2liam

Thank you for replying Ladies!x really appriciate it, looking and gathering all the info on it i can before we decide to go ahead next year.
My youngest son will be 3 in december, we live in scotland, and there is something said about either the youngest being 3, or there being a 3 year age gap between youngest and adopted? 
I would have been thinking about under 5, i guess for reasons i find important in my home. 
But how does the process go on, is it intimidating? and what kind of refrences do we need. And from who? 
What would be reason for refusal?
We have a 6 bed house, and with 4 boys of ours, and my 18 year old stepson living with us for now. So a full house, but plenty still plenty room. We also have animals.
We would love to welcome a child into our home, i love having a big family.
We have our own small business, so i am lucky enough to be a SAHM, im 35 and hubbie is 42.
Appriciate any advice that you can give. &#55357;&#56842;
I would love to think we could start the process next year! Xx


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## missk1989

In England any adopted children must be 2 years younger than the youngest in your household.
References- you and DP have to pick 2-3 each. Only one from each can be family.
It is intense, we had a 4 day preparation course and 3 workshops plus around a dozen 4 hours visits where they ask hypothetical questions and questions around morals etc. They will want to meet your children and know that you have prepared them without getting them too involved. 
They want to meet any significant ex partners -n anyone you have lived with or had children with.
There are also medicals and DBS checks.

Refusal would be if they felt you could not financially support another - they check all financial records etc, or if you are particularly against their way of thinking and aren't able to recognise the difference between a birth child and an adopted child.


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## Axl2

I think your self at all. So in Canada we have to do a 2 day seminar and a 8 hour homestudy which can be broken into 2-3 days. We only had to do 3 references 1 family member and other 2 can be friends or boss etc. I didn't find the process all that bad. I wasn't happy about the report our social worker done up about us. She kind of made my husband sound like he didn't really want to adopt and that he doesn't have interpersonal skills which isn't true, but not much I can do about that. They can refuse you for many different things. The animals shouldn't be an issue I have 2 dogs and 2 cats and we were approved.

Are you thinking private or government system?


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## KV_Tadpole

Not selfish in the slightest. Sounds like your hubbie is only against the procedure and not the adopting. And if you have more love to give (and just happen to want to give it to a girl) that's amazing :) There's so many children out there that need loving people like yourself :)


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