# I think I'm losing my bond with my son



## Yorkshiredad

Hi all, I'm fairly new to all this forum stuff but I just need some advice from someone impartial.

About 5 weeks ago my partner left me for another man she'd only met the previous night and so now we share custody of our 18 month old son, but I'm starting to feel like the bond he and I once shared is rapidly slipping away.

Our setup is that she has him 1 week and I have him the next (Luckily I work from home so I can easily fit work around this) and while I was initially for this idea I'm starting to think it's causing more harm than good.

Before the split I was his primary parent, I did all his meals, changed his nappies, put him in the bath and to bed, etc. and so as you can imagine we had a very strong bond together but in the 5 weeks since the split though he's gone from the happiest child you can possibly imagine to one that throws tantrums for no reason and spends a good portion of the day crying uncontrollably.

The worst part for me though is how he reacts towards me when I go to collect him. He backs away from me and screams blue murder if I try and go near him. The most recent occasion, this past weekend, it took me 4 hours to settle him down enough to let me hold him. The fact that he reacts this way towards me when before this we had such a strong bond is killing me and I can't see it improving anytime soon.

I fully understand this is a massive change for him and he's at an age where he can't really understand but I'm terrified it's going to have a lasting effect on him.

I also think his mum could be doing more to help ease the transition, she never spends any alone time with him, always getting her friends or family round to help out with our son and I'm 90% sure she's already introduced her new boyfriend to him aswell.

I'm sorry if that didn't make sense, it's still a bit hard for me to comprehend and I try to avoid talking about it but I just really need some advice on how I can make things easier for my son on my side, even if his mum continues to act the way she is doing.


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## Jinty

Sorry to hear this. Its really sad when children are affected by parents splitting up. When i first read that you have him one week and his mum has the other, i instantly thought... that can't be good. My own opinion too but still hes young as well i don't think it does him any good. Kids need routines and changing one week to another i think will upset him. Especially after a big change of you and his mum splitting up. 

If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days. As they can't really tell between the number of days in a week and when he would actually be seeing you, i think this would be better for him. Obviously my own opinion.

I hope it gets better for you and your son. x


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## Yorkshiredad

Jinty said:


> If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.

Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.

She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".


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## BigZai

Yorkshiredad said:


> Jinty said:
> 
> 
> If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.
> 
> Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.
> 
> She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".Click to expand...

if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time


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## jemmie1994

Yorkshiredad said:


> Jinty said:
> 
> 
> If i was in your position i would prefer to have him more regularly for example every other day or every 2 days.
> 
> Unfortunately his mum & I live 100 miles apart now so that wouldn't really be feasible.
> 
> She wouldn't do it that way anyway, she wanted this 1 week on, 1 week off setup because, and I quote, she wanted to "have a life".Click to expand...

how old is she? if you don't mind me asking, is abit off to say she doesn't want her son for a week so she can have a life that's the choice she made when she decided to keep him :wacko:
sorry nothing to do with your problem i just find it abit odd

your son probably needs time to adjust to this new arrangement its all very new to him and is most likely very confused why his mum and dad arent together anymore


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## Yorkshiredad

BigZai said:


> if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time

I know that in her own mind she would prefer that, she's never been very maternal and she's admitted more than once that being a mother isn't all that fulfilling to her but it's complicated and I know that regardless of how much she wanted to, she would never allow herself to only have him on weekends. for fear of the backlash she'd get from her family and friends


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## Yorkshiredad

jemmie1994 said:


> =how old is she? if you don't mind me asking, is abit off to say she doesn't want her son for a week so she can have a life that's the choice she made when she decided to keep him :wacko:
> sorry nothing to do with your problem i just find it abit odd
> 
> your son probably needs time to adjust to this new arrangement its all very new to him and is most likely very confused why his mum and dad arent together anymore

She's 23 (I'm 26 in case you were curious). Our son wasn't planned and before we found out we were expecting she was very much the "party girl". Having to give that up was something she readily admitted she resented.

Like I said to another reply, she's not very maternal and only really took an interest when there was someone there to witness it


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## BigZai

Yorkshiredad said:


> BigZai said:
> 
> 
> if she wants to have a life so bad maybe she can just get him on the weekends and you have him the rest of the time
> 
> I know that in her own mind she would prefer that, she's never been very maternal and she's admitted more than once that being a mother isn't all that fulfilling to her but it's complicated and I know that regardless of how much she wanted to, she would never allow herself to only have him on weekends. for fear of the backlash she'd get from her family and friendsClick to expand...

Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.


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## Yorkshiredad

BigZai said:


> Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.

You're not the first person to say that. Both her dad and uncle have said he would be better off with me, but then at the same time, with the 100 mile distance they're not actively encouraging it because it would mean they see him less.


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## BigZai

Yorkshiredad said:


> BigZai said:
> 
> 
> Man I wish I could come up with a way you could convince her because the way you make it sound it would be best for your son especially since you work at home.
> 
> You're not the first person to say that. Both her dad and uncle have said he would be better off with me, but then at the same time, with the 100 mile distance they're not actively encouraging it because it would mean they see him less.Click to expand...

Maybe work out a different schedule where she only has him 4 or 5 days instead of a whole week. and also give your LO time to adjust to the situation offer lots of love and dont take his cries personally
Dont change your cologne or detergent or even your hair


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## Dezireey

I cant see an immediate solution for your problem here apart from your little boy eventually getting used to this new routine. His routine with you has gone away and as a little one he shows lack of understanding i.e why has Daddy gone now? Be the best Dad you can to him, be patient and make him see how he is still loved and cared for by you. I have a sneaky feeling his mother ( if what you say about her is true for her) that she will be giving you more time with your son as time goes by. In the long term things will be okay, but I guess you need a short term solution for this and I cant see one, sorry :(


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## Yorkshiredad

BigZai said:


> We're going to try and hammer something out this weekend when we do the "exchange" but I know that as soon as she hears something she doesn't like she'll storm off.
> 
> He gets plenty of love when he's with me, due to finances I've had to move back with my mum for the time being and she dotes on him and he loves being with her.
> 
> I think the problem lies with her, she has a stream of different people in and out of the house throughout the day and her dad has admitted it's confusing for our son.
> 
> Thank you for the advice.


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## BigZai

Well good luck and update us on how it goes, I rarely hear of a good dad its nice to know they exsist.

i also thought maybe you could get your son like a action figure, cape or stuffed animal and make up a story like the stuffed puppy will look after you when I am not around. Hes a little young for it but its worth a shot


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## Jinty

If that's her view on it doesn't sound like she makes a good parent. The distance would be very difficult. I guess in that case the best you can do is just make sure your son has a good time with you. Spend A LOT of time with him doing things he likes minus the spoiling obviously. Or try and get full custody?


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## Yorkshiredad

Jinty said:


> If that's her view on it doesn't sound like she makes a good parent. The distance would be very difficult. I guess in that case the best you can do is just make sure your son has a good time with you. Spend A LOT of time with him doing things he likes minus the spoiling obviously. Or try and get full custody?

I've considered going for full custody, but I'm sure everyone on here knows that were it to go down legal channels things would most likely go in her favour because she's his mother and he's in no physical danger with her.

Thank you everyone for you advice, I'll take it all on board and do whatever I can to make sure he's happy when he's with me.

I just hope I'm not doing more harm than good


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## Joyzerelly

At this age he may well be feeling abandoned, you as his main carer before the split should keep main custody of him now until he is old enough to understand the situation. My partner and I split and I have main custody of our son, daddy comes two or three times in the week to make his supper and get him ready for bed and then at the weekend he takes him during the day on both Saturday and Sunday but always brings him home for bed. When our LO is older he can spend the nights at the weekend with daddy. At the moment, your son is still very young, a baby really, as his security and a stable, consistent environment is the most important thing. I think he is feeling rejected and abandoned by you because he can't understand why he suddenly sees so much less of you. His world has been turned upside down. I would speak to your wife about this and try to work out a living arrangement that will make your son feel more secure and treasured. Something that your current arrangement clearly isn't. Good luck


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## Jinty

In most cases i guess they do but to say have him one whole week so she can have a life is a disgusting thing to say. Have you mentioned it before? See how she reacts? If she says stuff like that she might be willing to give you full custody lol


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## Yorkshiredad

Jinty said:


> In most cases i guess they do but to say have him one whole week so she can have a life is a disgusting thing to say. Have you mentioned it before? See how she reacts? If she says stuff like that she might be willing to give you full custody lol

She would never willingly give me custody, her mum walked out on her and her brother & sister when she was 4 and so no matter how much she might want to she'd never give me custody.

I'm starting to think my only option is giving her full custody, it's absolutely not what I want to do but it might be better for our son to have a stable home...


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## Mindy_mini

Joyzerelly said:


> At this age he may well be feeling abandoned, you as his main carer before the split should keep main custody of him now until he is old enough to understand the situation. My partner and I split and I have main custody of our son, daddy comes two or three times in the week to make his supper and get him ready for bed and then at the weekend he takes him during the day on both Saturday and Sunday but always brings him home for bed. When our LO is older he can spend the nights at the weekend with daddy. At the moment, your son is still very young, a baby really, as his security and a stable, consistent environment is the most important thing. I think he is feeling rejected and abandoned by you because he can't understand why he suddenly sees so much less of you. His world has been turned upside down. I would speak to your wife about this and try to work out a living arrangement that will make your son feel more secure and treasured. Something that your current arrangement clearly isn't. Good luck

WSS 

Your son is 18 months old he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Then he's moved from one house to another for a week at a time. That's enough to upset anyone's routine let alone a toddler. 

Hope you sort something soon for everyone's sake


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## Yorkshiredad

Mindy_mini said:


> Your son is 18 months old he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Then he's moved from one house to another for a week at a time. That's enough to upset anyone's routine let alone a toddler.
> 
> Hope you sort something soon for everyone's sake

Like I said to a previous reply, I'm starting to think that giver HER full custody is my only option.

I know she wont allow me to have full custody and, were it to go to court, I'd stand no chance. I gave her the house, the furniture, everything when she left me so she's the one with the stable home.

Just the thought of seeing him so little is killing me, but being the man (and the only one out of the pair of us who works) I don't see an alternative


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## Jinty

That is so sad. Well if your considering it then maybe mention it and see how she reacts? Maybe on a day where shes finding it hard? lol Theres no harm in trying? Even if you don't like you said it might benefit your son more. Its so sad :(


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## Joyzerelly

Yorkshiredad said:


> Mindy_mini said:
> 
> 
> Your son is 18 months old he doesn't have a clue what's going on. Then he's moved from one house to another for a week at a time. That's enough to upset anyone's routine let alone a toddler.
> 
> Hope you sort something soon for everyone's sake
> 
> Like I said to a previous reply, I'm starting to think that giver HER full custody is my only option.
> 
> I know she wont allow me to have full custody and, were it to go to court, I'd stand no chance. I gave her the house, the furniture, everything when she left me so she's the one with the stable home.
> 
> Just the thought of seeing him so little is killing me, but being the man (and the only one out of the pair of us who works) I don't see an alternativeClick to expand...

If I were you I would look into seeing a lawyer to discuss your options. You might have a better chance than you think, especially having been the main carer until your split. At least if you fight for custody your son will know that you did all you could to be with him and that you wanted him.
Also, could 'Fathers for justice' help you?


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## Yorkshiredad

Just a quick update for you all.

I got a text tonight saying that she wants him full time and that she only wants me to see him 1 weekend a month. This came completely out of nowhere (Although she is on holiday right now so there's a good chance she's had a drink or 2) and to be honest it's knocked me for six.

I've spoken to a few friends who have all suggested I seek legal advice which I'm probably going to have to do although with her being 'the mother', having her own house (Which I paid for) and me being the only one who works I don't fancy my chances.

I know a lot of you have to deal with fathers who don't care about their kids, but how can a mother do this to their child? Actively stop them seeing a father who devotes his entire life to them?


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## ace28

Could you not take her to court over this? Just a thought...


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## Yorkshiredad

ace28 said:


> Could you not take her to court over this? Just a thought...

I think that's the only option left, but what chance do I have? She's not a danger to him, she's just selfish and immature. All the rest is my word against hers and believe me she can bring on the waterworks if she wants to.


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## BigZai

Yorkshiredad said:


> Just a quick update for you all.
> 
> I got a text tonight saying that she wants him full time and that she only wants me to see him 1 weekend a month. This came completely out of nowhere (Although she is on holiday right now so there's a good chance she's had a drink or 2) and to be honest it's knocked me for six.
> 
> I've spoken to a few friends who have all suggested I seek legal advice which I'm probably going to have to do although with her being 'the mother', having her own house (Which I paid for) and me being the only one who works I don't fancy my chances.
> 
> I know a lot of you have to deal with fathers who don't care about their kids, but how can a mother do this to their child? Actively stop them seeing a father who devotes his entire life to them?

There are just crappy parents both mothers and fathers. It is really unfair because it effects the good parents, they are often forced to put their kids at risk. Get legal advice, take the risk, because if she has him that much who knows who is watching him while she goes out and parties. Some men are lucky and get full custody. start keeping text messages and screen shots of facebook or twitter, to show shes a party girl keep everything because the more you have the better.


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## BigZai

and check out https://www.fnf.org.uk/ idk where you are but I assume the UK


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## Yorkshiredad

BigZai said:


> There are just crappy parents both mothers and fathers. It is really unfair because it effects the good parents, they are often forced to put their kids at risk. Get legal advice, take the risk, because if she has him that much who knows who is watching him while she goes out and parties. Some men are lucky and get full custody. start keeping text messages and screen shots of facebook or twitter, to show shes a party girl keep everything because the more you have the better.

Oh yeah I keep everything, she's admitted in numerous texts that she doesn't do enough for our son and that, in her words, she's a terrible parent.

I just hope it helps


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## CaptainMummy

Hi, sorry to hear about your split!

I know how hard it can be. I split up with my LOs dad 2 months ago, and I was her primary carer before then. When I left (it was me who initiated the split) I took her with me but that night we decided on a schedule for us seeing her. We share custody, me having her 4 nights a week and him having her 3. 
I miss her terribly when shes not here, but I definitely feel our bond has gotten stronger. I must say though, that she also cries when I leave, and when I take her to her dad (we meet at the train station) she doesnt want to go to him, and sticks to me until I go. There has been a couple of occasions where she has cried for her dad too though, so for all you know, your LO might be the same with his mum as he is with you. Im sure after those few hours he has a great time, and enjoys being with you so much... But I know it can be hard. 

Havent read through all the posts (will have a read now) But I hope things get sorted out and you start to feel that bond growing stronger :hugs:


Just read through the other posts... Sounds like its not going to well. I would definitely fight for your son, dont just give her what she wants. Speak to someone who can help and I hope things go in your favour x


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## sophxx

Dont give her full custody at tge mo if you on tge birth certificate you have 50/50 rights I'd get legal advice straight away I do k ow a little girl who was that age and courts placed her 50/50 with her parents. Why does she have tge house can you not sell it and split tge money?


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## Yorkshiredad

MrsMurphy2Be said:


> I must say though, that she also cries when I leave, and when I take her to her dad (we meet at the train station) she doesnt want to go to him, and sticks to me until I go. There has been a couple of occasions where she has cried for her dad too though, so for all you know, your LO might be the same with his mum as he is with you. Im sure after those few hours he has a great time, and enjoys being with you so much... But I know it can be hard.

Thank you so much for this, this is exactly what it's like with us and for the first time since all this started I feel like maybe I'm not being selfish wanting to spend so much time with my son.

He does cry for me when we've spent the week together and he goes to his mum, I think maybe I just notice it more when he's crying for his mum as oppose to me.

Have things gotten easier for you and your LO (Look at me using proper forum terminology)? As in, has she settled into the routine now, or as much as she can do in 2 months?


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## Yorkshiredad

sophxx said:


> Dont give her full custody at tge mo if you on tge birth certificate you have 50/50 rights I'd get legal advice straight away I do k ow a little girl who was that age and courts placed her 50/50 with her parents. Why does she have tge house can you not sell it and split tge money?

The house is rented, we were planning on moving into it together and so I paid the deposit and first month's rent, almost as soon as that was paid she left me (Whether the 2 are connected I don't know).

I'm seeing a solicitor in a couple of weeks just in case she does try and take him from me.


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## xxxjessxxx

How you sound, I really don't think you should give her full custody.
Don't give up.
It will take time for your little boy to get used to things but it will get better. Just try and do the best you can for him and I hope things get better :) xx


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## Yorkshiredad

xxxjessxxx said:


> How you sound, I really don't think you should give her full custody.
> Don't give up.
> It will take time for your little boy to get used to things but it will get better. Just try and do the best you can for him and I hope things get better :) xx

How I sound? :p

Thank you, it's nice to know that other people can see it from my side.


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## xxxjessxxx

Well you sound very much like your being the father he needs, and you was the main carer when you and your ex we're together. So you really can't give up.
It sounds like her family know what's best to.
Maybe see if he settles more over the next few months, and if nothing changes then consider a different option :) 
I agree with another poster about giving him something that he can recognise and maybe help with the transitions from yours to his mums. Either way I wish you the best of luck :flow:


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## BigZai

Was that link any help? I saw a news clip about it but i wasnt sure if they could help you


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## Yorkshiredad

xxxjessxxx said:


> Well you sound very much like your being the father he needs, and you was the main carer when you and your ex we're together. So you really can't give up.
> It sounds like her family know what's best to.
> Maybe see if he settles more over the next few months, and if nothing changes then consider a different option :)
> I agree with another poster about giving him something that he can recognise and maybe help with the transitions from yours to his mums. Either way I wish you the best of luck :flow:

Thank you :) 

The thing that settles him most is the houses. I'm more than willing to collect him from her house but she flat out refuses to travel more than 10 miles so that's probably another reason why he seems more upset when he comes back to me.


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## Yorkshiredad

BigZai said:


> Was that link any help? I saw a news clip about it but i wasnt sure if they could help you

It was yes thank you :)

It's made me feel a lot better about things anyway


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## MommaAlexis

Your post rings a little bell that says you're being honest. Coming from someone who's learned the hard way to not trust a soul, I'm not sure why I believe you in E-land. I guess I just see so many men whining about their rights, but not about their responsibilities that to see someone not even mention their rights seems honest. Either way, I was going to say to just mention it in passing that if she needs a "break" to call you and you'll see what you can do, but if she's serious about going for full custody, get a lawyer STAT. What's that old story about Solomon I believe? With him cutting the baby in half or something? Ahh... Someone remember this story for me haha.


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## BigZai

MommaAlexis said:


> . What's that old story about Solomon I believe? With him cutting the baby in half or something? Ahh... Someone remember this story for me haha.

If your serious its about two women who are trying to claim a baby so the king says he will cut it in half and the real mothers says no just let her have him while the fake mom says yes cut him in half 

I agree something about him makes him seem legit in e-land not just a guy who wants custody to hurt the mother


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## MommaAlexis

Yes exactly! Your story reminded me of that.


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## BigZai

MommaAlexis said:


> Yes exactly! Your story reminded me of that.

Yea and in that story the fake mom had actually killed her own kid (by accident)


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## Yorkshiredad

Another update for you all.

We did the "exchange" today and managed to have a couple of minutes alone to talk things through.

She apologized for saying she wanted sole custody and that she said it out of anger (At what I have no idea).

We've both resolved to start afresh and be as civil with one another as possible for our son's sake.

Thank you all so so much for your kind words and your advice you have no idea how much it has helped me.

If anything changes I'll be sure to let you all know


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## BigZai

Yorkshiredad said:


> Another update for you all.
> 
> We did the "exchange" today and managed to have a couple of minutes alone to talk things through.
> 
> She apologized for saying she wanted sole custody and that she said it out of anger (At what I have no idea).
> 
> We've both resolved to start afresh and be as civil with one another as possible for our son's sake.
> 
> Thank you all so so much for your kind words and your advice you have no idea how much it has helped me.
> 
> If anything changes I'll be sure to let you all know

I would still talk to a lawyer


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## Jinty

If shes saying you can only have him once a month on weekends then you might as well go to court. Im pretty sure you would get more time than that? Thats horrible though! Im so disgusted i would never say to FOB that hes not allowed to see LO or he can only have her a certain amount of time. Even though he decides 2 hours a week is enough but i would never decide when he can and can't have her... Unfortunately if your both on the birth certificate you both have equal rights. Feel for you x


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## xxxjessxxx

I still think you should go to court as it could only be a matter of time before she acts out of place again. If you say you keep everything she texts and says that's good evidence. My dad when dealing with my little sisters mother, always had a voice recorder when he'd go and pick up my sister so if the mother said anything out of place ect then it was recorded. It helped him a lot in court :thumbup: x


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## BigZai

How are things? how is your LO?


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