# People criticising my birth choices



## cranberry987

Hi

This is just a rant really.

I feel like theres nowhere I can talk about issues to do with choosing alternative care throughout my pregnancy, ie refusing induction, having a natural birth and even a home birth.

I cant talk about it with friends as 95% of them say offhand jokes or lecture me about how dangerous it is. I feel like I cant be honest on here as this section isnt closed and people who Im complaining about from other sections may read it. My MW is a total cowbag and my relatives are uninformed and judgemental - for example MIL thinks she birthed in a special safe place because she went to a MLU and every time we talk (even tho I dont bring up HB), she reminds me that SIL needed a c section.

My husband is 100% supportive and I have a doula who is great but Im sure she doesnt want to hear from me every day and husband, well, hes a man, he just says itll be fine.

People who choose to have a hospital birth or wishing that they could be allowed to have an ELCS are allowed to talk about their birth choices and anxieties, wheres our opportunity? How are people allowed to be judgemental about my choices but Im not allowed to for theirs. Or am I allowed, should I be turning the situation around and tell them of the higher intervention stats and risks for specific situations. I kinda feel not as I respect their views. Theyve made a decision based on whats right for them. Wheres the equality?


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## chuck

we're the loons even though we want to do things normally..weird isn't it? 

It speaks volumes about how scared most people are by birth now.


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## special_kala

People can be so narrow minded.

If people put my HB down with comments like "ooo brave" i would just tell them the facts, its safer, its my choice, my body/baby and it wasnt open for discussion.


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## Mum2b_Claire

We're not going to be telling many people about our birth choices, I'm not interested in ignorant opinions...


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## lynnikins

i told one of my friends (first offline friend to know what we are planning ) and she was lovely and supportive but wasnt for her just like cloth nappies and BF and ERF arent either i respect its her choice even if its not what i would do and she after listening aggreed i was likely to get better care at home than the hospital


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## Kess

special_kala said:


> People can be so narrow minded.
> 
> If people put my HB down with comments like *"ooo brave"* i would just tell them the facts, its safer, its my choice, my body/baby and it wasnt open for discussion.

Nearly everyone outside my immediate family who has found out we're having a HB has responded with, "Ooh, you're brave!" I just mentally roll my eyes, I can't be arsed getting into a discussion of why I think those who voluntarily go to hospital are brave!


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## nov_mum

It's weird how this is a special section - doing what women have been doing for centuries is now an 'alternative birthing choice'. C sections are mainstream. What is up with this picture??


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## Samantha675

I am lucky, I seemed to have fallen into a circle where HB is the norm. Almost all my girlfriends HB, and those that haven't don't seem to care either way. So it is not all too often that I have to justify my birth choices, but when I do, I am quite happy to talk about why I have made the choices I have. But if I had to do it all the time, it would be quite wearing. Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best thing for you and for your baby! 

On meetup.com you can start groups for any kind of interest. Maybe start a mother's group that focuses on HB/natural birth?


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## jewelia

The entire process of birth as it is today (hospitals, birthing positions, etc) is so heavily patriarchal! I find myself increasingly frustrated by people's responses to the choices I've made for MY birth! I can 100% relate cranberry! It's SO frustrating. Especially because I've never been judgmental about the choice to birth in a hospital, or opting for a cesarean birth, etc. It's annoying when people feel it's their right to tell you how 'wrong' your decision is when it's NOT their child, not their birth and not their choice!

Just remember that the choices you've made are sound and thoughtful. You're not alone with this!


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## fides

Mum2b_Claire said:


> We're not going to be telling many people about our birth choices, I'm not interested in ignorant opinions...

Same here. 

My best friend is an MD-PhD, and a several weeks ago, she asked about our plans for birth - as soon as I mentioned I didn't want an epidural, things went downhill. :dohh: I'm certainly not going to mention we're now planning a home-birth.


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## abracadabra

Its a personal choice. If it is bothering you what people are saying, maybe keep it to yourself so they have nothing to criticize xx


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## cranberry987

I had been of the mind that, well if they can talk about their choices then so can I. And I've been v open about it. But I see now that's actually not the case. If I want to be a good human and fit in the no discussion of home birthing/natural labour is possible with most muggles. Thats just so... Unfair. 

I really can't be arsed with people telling me I'm brave, bringing up complicated births as a cautionary tale, telling me how wonderful their hospital experience was. When have I ever said to anyone "oh I'm thinking about a home birth, what do you think random person at work". If someone I knew was planning on having an epidural i wouldn't start telling them of the risks I'd say something supportive and encouraging

Do people think we choose home birthing on a whim?! That we're going to say oh your sisters friend had a stillbirth?! Oh I'll change my plans then. 

Even if I get my home both with no complications I'm sure the comments will change to "oh that's lucky, my friend had blah blah happen at home". 

I think I've now learnt that there's no point talking about it as people seem to think its their right to chip their oar in. It's just unfair that it's so one sided. It bothers me more that I have to keep quiet rather than what people actually say iykwim.


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## Xuxa

i wish i could have a home birth, but it really isn't the best option for me. I'm still doing it naturally though. Good for you for standing up to what you want!i really hope you get more support and i'm sure it will all be fine!xx


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## Linzi

I agree, I don't give a rats ass how anyone else wants to birth their baby, I don't see why anyone should judge me for the choices I make. Drives me round the bend.

I think aside from my husband & midwife the only positive comment I have had is from one of my friends who said how proud she is of me for doing it. Not in a patronising way though, in a nice way lol. Everyone else sticks their 10p in somewhere along the line. I don't really talk about it anymore, unless I know the people are going to be open to my opinion. At the end of the day there is always going to be someone who is 100% against & will be completely unwilling to have their mind changed so don't see the point in getting upset over what they think anymore.

Even my dad, when I talk to him about it he kind of like... sniggers & rolls his eyes. He's never made any comments but his whole attitude is like I'm being silly or something? I can't really explain. And it's like well... have you ever given birth? :rofl:

Totally agree with you I don't understand why people can't just keep their opinions to themselves!!

xxx


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## L Elise

Morning Cranberry! And Ladies! :flower:

Cranberry - don't let anyone stress you out. It's all ok. I get a common reaction here too, sounds like we all do. :smile:

In truth - I'm not bothered what they think. Their choice of how they had/are having their babies doesn't come up on my radar, why would their responses? 

To be fair, if you speak of your plans freely, you have to expect people to freely voice their opinions. As it stands people with our train of though appear to be the minority, so alot of those opinions are going to be negative. It's just statistics - but it *is* a frustrating position, I agree.

Just keep on hanging in there. You don't need to keep the company of unsupportive people. I wouldn't feel bad about reminding them of that.


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## madasa

There's some great groups and pages on Facebook - it's a relief sometimes to "meet" with like minded people, isn't it?! PM me if you want some of the FB groups and pages or if you just want to rant... any time :)


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## rh333rh

this thread is so helpful to me today, i actually had a counselling session this morning at the hospital regarding my first labour, i am currently 33+ wks with my second. I am planning a home birth, not so much because i do not want pain relief but because i do not want to feel trapped in hospital. i hated every minute of my first birth and really cant bear the thought of going through a similar experience again. 
cut a long story short ive had to remove myself from facebook, and avoid alot of my friends at the moment as everybody has negative opinions on homebirth (even though non of them have actually any knowledge on the subject). i have been critised, called stupid, brave (sarcasm), and even had people launch verbal assaults on me. i never tried to get into a discussion about it, but it has come up in convo, as people ask about what my plans are for the birth. now i feel the only way i can deal with this negativity is to avoid people all together. :cry:


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## Cocoa

I'm planning a home birth too and I've got to the point that I don't like to tell people as almost everyone has a negative reaction toward it! I just tell them, there isn't much more they can do at a birthing centre than they do at home! None of our parents are supportive and they just make me doubt myself as they come up with all the negative things that may happen - Thankfully the midwives like homebirths so they are very supportive - actually their maybe a bit too laid back about it! lol!

People around here just automatically assume you have to go into hospital to give birth.

I just hope I get the opportunity to prove everyone one wrong! I love visualising telling everyone I had my home birth and everything went really well - but unfortunately I have no idea what will happen! I can only hope!


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## cranberry987

If I get my home birth im gonna make a full length video and make all the doubters watch it from end to end :p MIL can sit through it and cluck about how risky it is while watching me do yoga and have shiatsu then waters breaking on the sofa which shes sitting on!


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## erinmt

I think it all goes back to the fact that people are so used to the "must go to hospital" mentality. They think that's all there is and nothing else. Kind of like a "sheep mentality", if most everyone on the herd is doing it, then it must be the thing that they need to do too. Birthing a baby is such a natural, loving moment in spite of all the "pain" that you could be going through while is happening, it will soon be all over and you feel like you have done something great when you do it naturally because you did not introduce all those nasty drugs that they give you in the hospital that who knows that they really do bottom line....


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## sarah1980

Mum2b_Claire said:


> We're not going to be telling many people about our birth choices, I'm not interested in ignorant opinions...

^^^ Exactly! 

The only people who know about my birth choices are my husband and midwife. 

Other peoples opinions are neither wanted nor welcome! :haha:


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## sam#3

mhmm... we are all mad hippy types that are of course putting ourselves and our babies in danger by doing things the way nature intended -_-


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## Kess

erinmt said:


> I think it all goes back to the fact that people are so used to the "must go to hospital" mentality. They think that's all there is and nothing else. Kind of like a "sheep mentality", if most everyone on the herd is doing it, then it must be the thing that they need to do too. Birthing a baby is such a natural, loving moment in spite of all the "pain" that you could be going through while is happening, it will soon be all over and you feel like you have done something great when you do it naturally because you did not introduce all those nasty drugs that they give you in the hospital that who knows that they really do bottom line....

It's the idea you get given from such a young age. My Mom has three foster children, 7, 8 and 9 years old. They couldn't get their heads around my planning to have Rowan at home. It had been explained to them a couple of times, but a few days before he was born my Mom was taking one of them to the hospital for a routine appointment, and at mention of the hospital she was asked again if that would be the hospital I would be having my baby in! :dohh: They're coming up to visit tomorrow, so we'll see if actually pointing out the spot in my living room where he was born will help make the idea sink in! We have photographic evidence too, as my sister was taking lots, so that might help bring the message home.


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## cranberry987

What do people say when they get told theyre brave etc? I usually ask why and say well ill have two mw to myself :) but a nice offhand funny remark would be much better. just cant think of one dammit!


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## wigglywoo

I usually just shrug and say that I'm doing what's best for me and then tell them all about the awful hospital birth I had with DD and that I wouldn't give birth in a hospital again if you paid me! That usually does the trick!


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## amberlindsay7

I'm in the very early stages of pregnancy (10 weeks), but have already stated looking into natural birthing options just out of curiosity. However, upon mentioning it to a couple of people, they have already had the comment "drug free birth; are you mad? You won't be able to take the pain and will be begging for an epidural blah blah". 

I can't believe this is the reaction I have received already just after airing some views for conversation - at least from the comments here I'm now prepared for the inevitability that other peoples opinions are likely to just get worse! Tanks for a really good eye opening thread - glad we have the B&B forum for support :)


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## Samantha675

I started an upholstery class last night, and one of the teachers used to work for an OB. I am now just waiting for the ensuing OB conversation.


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## madasa

I think folks are "brave" to go to hospy tbh!


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## MummyMEE

Hi Ladies, just wondered over from 2nd tri and I would just like you all to know that I don't think you are a bunch of hippies, what you are doing is amazing, you should be very proud of yourself and ignore the stupid uninformed philistines out there. As my first child was 8 wks premature I am under obstetric care and unable to deliver at my local Birth Centre :-( but I am still going to try for a G&A waterbirth if possible


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## FeistyMom

I personally choose hospital birth, but if I wasn't 100% confident that I'd have an unmedicated birth and the experience I wanted there, I would definitely prefer home birth to being forced into an experience I didn't want or need.

I am fortunate enough to know many women who have had home births - my cousin has 6 children, and all were home births. She had some complications with her last baby, and her MW was able to take care of things and get the baby the care he needed right away and without a bunch of unnecessary drama.

But what is infuriating me lately is that it isn't just friends and family who weigh in their opinions... its is insurance companies! A co-worker's wife is expecting, and is wanting a fully natural, unmedicated home birth. Even though it is significantly LESS expensive than a now 'traditional' hospital birth, the insurance company doesn't want to pay for ANYTHING. It is already frustrating enough for us to have friends, family, and practitioners telling us what to do... When in the heck did INSURANCE companies get to decide! They finally gave up on working with the insurance and are setting up a payment plan with their MW separately. Just seems an utter crock to me - especially when the statistics from around the world PROVE that home birth and unmedicated births are overall healthier for mom and baby, and reinforce how many non necessary interventions are made in US hospitals.

Sorry for the rant... Just so PO'd about the situation.


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## Blah11

Ive not really had any negative comments thankfully. A few 'you're brave' and 'id be to worried' comments but on the whole, i have a very supportive family and group of friends :)


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## cranberry987

someone just told me that i couldnt refuse a scan and called me hun. um... no...'hun'...


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## silver_penny

lol... You can refuse anything. Its your body and they can't force you to do anything. I would have told the person "Shove it, hun!" :haha:


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## madasa

"You can sacrifice YOUR bodily autonomy if you want to, but I'll keep mine, thanks, HUN."


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