# Does anyone else do this?



## Bride2b

I just wondered if its me being curious, but has anyone else looked at peoples bump pictures in the 2nd & 3rd trimester threads to see their bumps? I have looked to see how big my bump might have been. I looked frequently when trying to decide when to try again so I could see how big I would be if I fall pregnant again for the wedding. Everytime I look it upsets me but I cant help myself.

I also just looked at my step dad's niece on FB who is pregnant and was about 6 weeks behind me. I have hidden her from my news feed as I just dont want to keep being reminded of her happy bump. I just couldnt help looking to see if there are any new pictures of her & to see what she had written about her bump. I'm so jealous! I feel like a horrible person.

I dont know why I feel the need to do this as I know ultimately it has me in tears and I feel really depressed. Has anyone else looked at bumps?
Maybe I am curious as I have never really had a bump as Bertie was my first experience of pregnancy & at 19 weeks I was tiny (where I am small anyway). I dont know if I'm upset that I never got to look & enjoy being pregnant.

Am I crazy?:blush:


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## collie_crazy

I done similar and I don't know why either it hurt so much - a bit like picking at a scan I suppose!

I had joined a 'Jan 2012' due date thread and months after losing Emily went back in to find out how the other woman were doing and looked at there bump pics, finding out gender, buying things etc. I haven't been back to check if any of then have given birth etc yet though :cry:


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## Bride2b

Yes picking a scab of a very deep cut!

Its weird what we do....I know it upsets me but I still do it. I know I am completely obsessed with pregnancy & just cant bear to think about not getting pregnant again soon. I just wish I could see that I will be pregnant soon. I just cant deal with my loss the whole time I feel like this!


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## amanda83

No, you're not crazy. I feel the same way. I got off facebook when I lost Jaxon at 22 weeks. I had just posted preggo pics of me standing up with a 20 week sticker on my belly...I just didn't want to see peoples lives anymore, people announcing their pregnacys, preggo pics, baby pics, etc. So I got off it all together. Not to mention everyone in facebook world don't know I lost my baby. I'll get back on when I'm ready I guess, or maybe when I have a baby in my arms in the next year or so.
I find it crazy hard seeing bumps, etc.
I hope you are doing ok :)


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## mhazzab

you are not the only crazy one, Gemma! An aquaintance of mine was also pregnant with twins, 7 weeks behind me, due in November. About a month ago, I decided to sneak a peek at her FB. She also had twin girls (of course she did, it couldn't be boys could it, everyone I knew who was pregnant last year bloody well had gorgeous little girls), and had a photo of them as her profile pic, oh my god it was like a knife through the heart. I totally don't grudge her them, she had struggled for years to get pregnant and conceived through IVF but wow did it hurt seeing her talking about them and seeing the two little baby girls together. I cried for a long time after that. I've no idea why I did it, some morbid curiosity I suppose. It was never going to end well, I'm such an idiot sometimes! xxx


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## dancareoi

Bride2b said:


> I just wondered if its me being curious, but has anyone else looked at peoples bump pictures in the 2nd & 3rd trimester threads to see their bumps? I have looked to see how big my bump might have been. I looked frequently when trying to decide when to try again so I could see how big I would be if I fall pregnant again for the wedding. Everytime I look it upsets me but I cant help myself.
> 
> I also just looked at my step dad's niece on FB who is pregnant and was about 6 weeks behind me. I have hidden her from my news feed as I just dont want to keep being reminded of her happy bump. I just couldnt help looking to see if there are any new pictures of her & to see what she had written about her bump. I'm so jealous! I feel like a horrible person.
> 
> I dont know why I feel the need to do this as I know ultimately it has me in tears and I feel really depressed. Has anyone else looked at bumps?
> Maybe I am curious as I have never really had a bump as Bertie was my first experience of pregnancy & at 19 weeks I was tiny (where I am small anyway). I dont know if I'm upset that I never got to look & enjoy being pregnant.
> 
> Am I crazy?:blush:

Hi, you are not crazy,it is natural to be curious and you are not a horrible person. You have been through a terrible loss and all the emotions, no matter what they are, are natural.

I haven`t looked at the pregnancy ones as it is too upsetting to see pregnant ladies.

However, I am lucky enough to have 3 gorgeous kids, 10, 7 & 20 months.
Each time I was pregnant my belly got bigger earlier.

When I was pregnant this time I was in maternity jeans almost straight away. At 17 weeks, when I lost my LO, I had quite a big bump and had just bought a whole new wardrobe of maternity clothes as none of my stuff fitted.
I looked like i was 5 - 6 months pregnant at that stage.

Now i have lost my big belly (well still have a big belly, but a babyless one)
I have gone back to my normal clothes, but all the maternity ones are still hanging in my wardrobe (I`d just spent £35 on Ebay for a winter maternity coat)

I`m just hoping DH agrees to try again. I am 40 now,time is ticking and he is so worried how it will effect us all if we try again and things go wrong again.

Your time will come and you can be the one then posting your bump!!
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Bride2b

Thanks ladies...I'm glad its not just me! I guess I am not as crazy as I thought. It is curiosity I suppose as I dont really know a great deal about pregnancy as I have never needed to. In all honesty for someone who doesnt know much the contact with midwives is very limited....how are we supposed to know what is normal?


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## dancareoi

There is something else i am doing as well. I have a bounty pregnancy guise, which details week by week what is happening to me and the baby.
I keep looking at that to see what should be going on - coming up to 21 weeks now.
I don`t know why I do it, it just makes me more upset.


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## dancareoi

Sorry should read guide not guise - I can spell honest! Although my keys stick so a lot of my words, unless i check it properly, miss lots of letters.


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## Bride2b

I unsubscribed to all the Bounty & Emmas diary stuff, as in the first few weeks I had endless offers & updates from them. It was like a stake through the heart! It was just as bad having to go onto them to unsubscribe as it was like unsubscribing from my pregnancy!

Its funny you should say about having a look at what should be happening. I have an iphone app that still has my data stored even though I deleted it (but then I reinstalled as I liked the app and wanted it to be there ready for the next time). Anyway today I looked at that app to read about what my baby should be doing....again I might as well just rip my heart out and stamp on it! Its so shit knowing I'd have 11 weeks to go until I was supposed to meet my baby. I should be staying at home next weekend when my best friend goes to Dublin on her Hen Do (I'm maid of honour) as I should be too pregnant to fly! I should be 'full term' and 37 weeks when she gets married, but I wont be. I actually think the closer to the end it gets the harder this is getting to try and keep it all together!

Sorry to sound depressing....just having a few bad days x


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## dancareoi

That`s understandable.

I remember feeling like that after my first MMC on 20th July 09. On aug 14th that year we went to Butlins in Minehead for a weekend for my DH`s 40th birthday. I remember sitting there one night in the entertainment room and crying, my DH aked what was wrong and I replied I should have been pregnant sitting here.

i think all the plans we make when pregnant take into account how far on we will be at each stage, so each time one of those planned events comes up is it going to bring back sad memories.

I had some junk mail this morning from a 4d pregnancy clinic in Birmingham, congratulating me on my pregnancy. Just what I needed!

i assue you will now be going to Dublin to have the `craic`, try an enjoy it. 
I remember before our Butlins trip, DH,ne ad kids went to our local pub one hot sunny evening and I got bladdered on vodka and coke. I don`t usually drink, I think it was just a way of forgetting things for a while.

All i`ve done this time is have a couple of large baileys. Too fattening to have any more than that as I now want to try and loe a few pounds, so I`m ready to go as soon as DH agrees(if he does)

Your time will come and then you can make lots of new plans.

Lisa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dancareoi

sorry about my spelling, but all my keys stick, it`s like a whole new language trying to read what i have written. xx


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## Bride2b

Ha ha I make typos all the time! No I'm not going to Dublin, it just doesnt feel right going as the only reason I would be there is because my baby died. Its not right! I know the girls feel a bit shitty for leaving me, but I'll be no fun if I go as all I would be able to think is that I shouldnt be there xx


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## dancareoi

Bride2b said:


> Ha ha I make typos all the time! No I'm not going to Dublin, it just doesnt feel right going as the only reason I would be there is because my baby died. Its not right! I know the girls feel a bit shitty for leaving me, but I'll be no fun if I go as all I would be able to think is that I shouldnt be there xx


That makes sense, no point going if it will upset you and that in turn will upset the others I suppose.
I`m guessing it`s about 10 weeks since you lost your little one, still early days.
Life is so cruel that it does these things to us.
What doesn`t break you makes you stronger - although at the moment i feel broken.

The only thing that is keeping me going at the moment is the thought of trying for another - although i have to get DH to agree as he is reluctant.

I will remain broken if he says no!

I hope you start to mend soon.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## amotherslove

i watch my cousin grow.. because she got pregnant the day before i did.. so she's EXACTLY the same weeks i would be... it's heart breaking. i do mourn the chance to be huge and have people say "omg you're gonna pop" and stuff like that.. :(


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## Bride2b

I know what you mean, I feel broken & hope the wound heals slightly when I do get pregnant again - I think the waiting is killing me though. I just want to know when it'll be & it'll give me something else to focus on. I will keep my fingers crossed that you OH says yes! I'm lucky I dont have this hurdle as OH wants us to have kids sooner rather than later x

motherslove thats so tough! Its going to be hard when your cousin gives birth as you know that it should be your turn too. my cousin is/was 2 weeks behind me & although I look forward to her little one arriving safely I know my LO should be there already x


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## amanda83

I agree with your comment..."it gets harder". My due date is next Sunday and it's ripping my heart out thinking about it. Everything has been a constant reminder. I stood in my friend&#8217;s wedding in December and had to wear a maternity dress as there wasn't enough time to have it re-ordered, I almost didn't stand in the wedding, but I did it for my friend, the entire day all I could do was think&#8230;I&#8217;m supposed to be huge right now. Christmas was horrible; it too was a constant reminder that I should have been pregnant not to mention my best friend announced her pregnancy to the world on Christmas Eve.
I received an email from a co-worker who lives in Aberdeen on Monday wondering why I wasn't on maternity leave yet...oh my the joy just never ends. Sorry to be depressing but I too am having a pretty rough few months. I look forward to the healing (hopefully) after my due date has passed.


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## dancareoi

i am having a down day today,3 weeks ago today my LO was born sleeping. I woke up this morning feelings out of sorts. The thought of not knowing if we are going to try again is tearing me apart - if DH says no I don`t know how I will cope. I am just about managing at the moment, but without that i will remain broken.

Good luck with making a new LO.

Amanda83 - the due date is always going to be the worst, hopefully once that has passed things might start to get a little easier for you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Bride2b

Amanda & Lisa big hugs to you girls xxxx

Amanda the whole dress thing is so sad, that must have been so awful! My best friends OH had to argue with the shop assistant to swap my bridesmaid dress for their wedding, he ended up getting angry and shouting that i'd lost the baby and needed a smaller dress - they soon took it back!
I hope the next few weeks are easy on you & that your due date isnt too hard. Have you planned on doing anything nice? Maybe to celebrate that your LO is special? Candles, balloons? Maybe even a build a bear (i know its not the same). I hope to light some floating candles & send them to sea (as OH is a keen surfer & no doubt if our little one had made it he'd have been surfing before he would walk!) I might do a build a bear too & call him Bertie & give it to my rainbow when they are born. xx

Lisa - 3 weeks is so soon, I had barely left the house at 3 weeks. I'm in my 9th week and still not back to work. We've had an awful time getting everthing organised & only collected the ashes monday & need to organise these to be put with OH dad who recently passed away. I think most people have 'closure' meaning baby is put to rest within a few weeks. Our process has been dragged out by people not doing their jobs properly, hence I am still in a mess about it all. 
I know I've said it before but I really hope your OH says yes to trying again. He must have been pleased you were expecting before.....so he must want another, I think men are more scared in case it happens again, where we are more scared that we dont try xx


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## amanda83

Lisa, 3 weeks isn't very long, you must be experiencing some pretty raw emotions still. I really hope your OH wants to try again as well, I'm sure he will. I think men express their emotions and feelings is such different ways, maybe he needs to come to terms and absorb what has happened before he is ready for the stessful craziness that comes along with trying (if you're anything like me). Just hang in there and take care of yourself and your body until you hopefully try again.

Bride2B we haven't decided what we are doing on Jaxons due date yet, we just know we want to spend it together all day and reflect on our little man. The candles in the ocean are such an amazing idea. I love it. I would love to do something beautiful like that, when I decide on what it will be I'll let you ladies know. I'm sad to hear that everything was so dragged out for you. Ours was thankfully a very fast process, Jaxon passed on a sunday and we picked up his ashes on Monday. The funeral home provided the cremation and beautiful urn for no charge which I thought was so sweet, they do this for still births and infant loss. I love that your LO is being buried with his pop, that must ease your mind knowing he will be well taken care of :)
xo


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## dancareoi

Bride2b - thanks for your kind words. Our LO was accident and DH was not happy - although he hasn`t said anything, I think he feels guilty anout how angry and upset he was when we found we were having another. Once we had the scan he started getting his head round everything and we started making plans. He is thinking sensibly about what effect another loss will have on us all. i am scared of this too, but agree with you, I am more scared about not trying. xxxx

Amanda, i think your comments are right - I think he thinks we need to come to terms with this first.
I have been to docs again today as she wanted to check on me, I am still up and down and teary very easily, she said she doesn`t want to put me on drugs of any sort to make me feel better, as if we try again she doesn`t want drugs in my system.
She suggested vitamin supplements, especially vitamin B which helps your mood and how you feel.
I have bought 3 boxes of pregnacare pre conception vitamins, I thought I might as well look on the hopeful side and get my body as ready as possible if we do try again.
I think Bride2b`s idea of lighting candels in the sea is beautiful.

Bigs hugs to both of you and thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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