# One Blighted Ovum - One Missed Miscarriage



## CurlySue

That's all.

I'm done.

Didn't I know all along?

So I lost twins then, eh? Fucking fantastic.


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## Jelly_Tot

:hugs: so so sorry for your loss hun xx


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## FEDup1981

:hugs: so sorry xxx


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## Smurfette

Sweetie I'm so sorry :sad1:

:hug:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Oneday

I'm so shocked and gutted for you, all I can say is sorry x


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## beauty

I am so sorry huni.. xxxxx


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## wrightywales

So sorry hun :hug::hugs:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## tansey

I'm so sorry hun :hugs:


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## helen1234

so so sorry hun
:(


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## embo216

I'm so sorry. :hugs:


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## NickyT75

Oh no! this is awful :( 

im so sorry hun :hugs: I dont know what to say... its too cruel for words :cry: xx


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## Redfraggle

:cry: I'm gutted for you. So so sorry. 

:hug:


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## chefamy1122

I'm really sorry :hugs::cry:


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## jeanettekaren

Thinking of you xxx


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## wishing4ababy

so sorry hun. :hugs:


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## Dilek

Oh no Curlysue......... No one deserves this, especially one of us. My heart goes out to you.


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## Bexy

oh no!!! I'm so sorry Curlysue - thats incredibly cruel!! :hugs:


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## hayley352

im so sorry hun xxx


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## toby2

oh my lovely I cant tell you how very sorry I am to hear that, what a crushing, horrible shock for you, you must be devestated- I just cant believe after everything you have been through you have to deal with this as well. I just wanted to send you the hugest hug of all times for now, dont be on your own and take the bestest care of you, am here if/when you want to chat 
xxxxxxxx


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## x_Rainbow_x

oh CS im sooo sorry babe :(

xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Pippin

Oh crap I am so sorry CS, words can't say how sorry I am. I hope you feel better in time life can be so cruel sometimes. xxx


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## puppymom32

Curly,
That SUCKS I am so sorry and my heart hurts for you. I know words cant make it better but we are all here if you need us. 
Big Hugs and Love
Amy


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## miel

i am deeply sorry ...


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## Zipp

That is so awful, I am so sad for you.
x


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## Mrs G

So sorry hun. You are in my thoughts.

Kath xx


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## akcher

I'm sorry to hear of your loss :hug:


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## Beckic

God hun - I am so very sorry. 

Bx


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## chele

oh honey, I am so sorry to hear this
In my thoughts x


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## twinmom07

I am so sorry... your in my thoughts.


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## BigFoot1980

I am so sorry.


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## Mervs Mum

I'm sorry hun :(


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## maz

Oh no ... I am soooo sorry hun. I don't know what to say. I'm sending you a big hug. I know it won't help to take the pain away, but I don't know what else to do. I am so very upset for you.

:hug:


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## Jessica0901

So sorry to hear that 
x


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## CareBear

I'm devestated for you and I can't imagine how upset you and OH are. Thinking of you and sending my love x


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## Tory123

So sorry for you and OH x


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## Steph63

I'm so very sorry, thinking of you & OH

:hug:


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## jonnanne3

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## NeyNey

:hugs: Sweetheart, I'm so sad to hear this :(


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## future_numan

I am so sorry. This my be very hard. :sadangel:


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## Blue12

Words cannot express how sorry I am for you right now. Take care of yourself.


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## oliveoyl

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Mrs T

Am so sorry 
XXX


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## CurlySue

Well I woke up at 5am this morning as has been customary. I turned around and I looked at OH. Recently, he's been waking up with me and smiling. Yesterday, sitting in that waiting room, he asked me "Will we get a picture today?" and was planning on scanning it and sending it to everyone he knows. 

He was looking at cots in Ikea the other night. 

He was smiling like a little boy and telling me how nervous he was. 

That's breaking my heart more than anything. That he actually thought there was something there. That he had actually bonded with it, whilst I always knew. 

He cried last night. 

I can't cope with this.


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## MrsJD

Mother nature is one cruel fucken bitch!

Heartbreaking news :hugs:

XXXXX


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## CurlySue

Someone thought to make everything perfect. We found out on Sunday two of our best friends were due on March 3rd, 5 days before our due date would've been. They got pregnant their first month of trying. That was hard. Not as hard as it'll be seeing their kid and knowing it was supposed to be our kid's friend.

OH's auntie had her baby girl two nights ago. The night before we found out our babies had died at least two weeks ago. They were too small to be seen. 

When will I stop crying?


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## toby2

oh my lovely this is such a crap, hard time and other peoples babynews just rubs salt into the wound, i dont know why but life does seem to be a bit like that.
You will stop crying but not for a little while and although its hard its better to be feeling this that keeping it inside of you. Your little toffee crisps were here they just didnt make it and that is the saddest thing. I know its hard to look at hubby and think that somehow you should have been able to make things different for them but what happened wasnt down to you, its just one of those horribly sad and cruel things.
people will say the wrong and the right things to you about your babies and some of it will make you cry and some of it will piss you off beyond belief, give yourself as much time as you need,its important and please try and be kind to yourself, you deserve all the love in the world(((((((((((())))))))))))


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## rachelle1975

I'm so sorry chick. I know nothing anybody says will make it better and i understand how heartbreaking it must be to watch DH be so upset. I hope that the pain lessens at some point for both of you :hugs:


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## princess_bump

am so deeply sorry for you losses, thinking of you xxxx


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## CurlySue

I'd honestly rather the IVF had not worked at all than to have to go through this. It's cruel. It's false hope. If I had any reservations about my lack of belief in God they've gone, now.


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## Sambatiki

Oh CS Im so so so sorry :hug:


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## toby2

It is very cruel and very, very hard. Some people say everything happens for a reason but I could never, ever get that straight with the loss of babies-all seems so very pointless, am so very sorry you have had to go through this and i know nothing i say will make it better for you but I do care and I wish I could change things for you as do lots of other people, for what its worth
xxxxx


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## Coffee

So very, very sorry to hear this. 
Sometimes i just wonder wtf is wrong with this world, i really do.


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## NickyT75

Oh hunni i have tears rolling down my cheeks for you now :cry:

I wish there was something i could do to ease your pain but I know from experience that nothing anyone could ever say will even come close to doing that :(

it breaks my heart to hear you feeling like you let your DH down in some way coz you really didnt it was out of your hands completely... but I can totally relate as I remember feeling this way too :hugs:

Please be gentle on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve for your babies :hugs: xx


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## MrsJD

CurlySue said:


> When will I stop crying?

OH CS I feel your pain, you will stop crying, it will take time! You will be grieving and it's so painful. As Toby says people will say the right/wrong things to you and that's crushing at times.

They say time is a healer, time helped me.

:hugs:
xxxxxxx


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## Nicnac

:hugs::hugs::hugs: I'm so sorry hon :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## missmarls

I don't even know what to say...I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Pippin

Hon, just out of curiosity did they scan you internally? I'm heartbroken for you, do you get another go on the NHS or is it private next? Just ignore me if your not in the mood for questions :hugs: I understand.


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## CurlySue

It's okay Pippin. It's fine. Another free go but I don't think I can go through this again. I don't feel, right now, that I could cope with it. J's words just keep ringing in my head. "Will we get a picture?" "I am so confident that everything is okay that I have booked an appointment this afternoon because I know you will not need me." It breaks my heart over and over again. I can't even look at him without wanting to curl up and sob myself unconscious. 

It was an internal scan. I told her I didn't feel good about it; that I completely expected there to be nothing inside. "You weren't wrong," she said. "I can see two sacs but no embryos. We call it a missed miscarriage." 

I just call it the end, really. Out of 12 eggs only 2 were any good and those 2 were genetically abnormal. Doesn't bode well, does it?

I only wish I could stop crying. I can't. That little voice just comes back. "I dreamed of our baby last night. He was the cutest thing I ever saw."

I truly believe that it...they...would have been. They would've been the most beautiful babies I ever saw.


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## krissi

Oh hun I am so very sorry, life is so bloody cruel xx


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## MrsR32

Oh CS, I'm crying for you, I can't believe this has happened to you after all you've already been through. No-one should have to suffer like this.

Just remember that you and DH need to comfort each other - he will not want you to feel worse because of him, you will get through this by doing it together.

Thinking of you.


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## CurlySue

I am just so sad for him. For me and for him. He's in bed now. I'm down here because I don't want him to see me cry any more. I'm looking for somewhere to go. I want to just pack a bag and disappear somewhere for a week. Not yet, obviously, but soon. I need to take myself away from this house, from this whole thing. As it stands now, I cannot go through this again. I might feel differently with time but this is like nothing I have ever felt. 

Like I said, I'd rather it had never worked. I'd rather have not been given this hope only to have it taken away. I could've coped with losing one but losing both has just killed me.


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## MrsR32

I know you're finding it difficult to be with him but why don't you go up and get a big hug from him - you don't need to say anything, just be there for each other. Try not to pull away from him too much, you might want to be on your own at the moment but you will need him (and he will need you too).


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## Nicnac

Hey hon,

:hugs::hugs:

I can imagine it's hell at the moment, but don't pull away from DH. A break somewhere different sounds good for both of you. Different surroundings may be a helpful distraction. 

I think you will feel different about another try, I know it's way too soon to even contemplate now, but you're a really strong person, and I know how much you want this. :hugs: 

I am so gutted that you're having to go through this, hon

Big Big :hug:


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## TrixieLox

So sorry. I can't fathom why some of us girls need to go through this and yet others have it so easy. What gives? Sorry. x


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## cazhd

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Pippin

CurlySue said:


> It's okay Pippin. It's fine. Another free go but I don't think I can go through this again. I don't feel, right now, that I could cope with it. J's words just keep ringing in my head. "Will we get a picture?" "I am so confident that everything is okay that I have booked an appointment this afternoon because I know you will not need me." It breaks my heart over and over again. I can't even look at him without wanting to curl up and sob myself unconscious.
> 
> It was an internal scan. I told her I didn't feel good about it; that I completely expected there to be nothing inside. "You weren't wrong," she said. "I can see two sacs but no embryos. We call it a missed miscarriage."
> 
> I just call it the end, really. Out of 12 eggs only 2 were any good and those 2 were genetically abnormal. Doesn't bode well, does it?
> 
> I only wish I could stop crying. I can't. That little voice just comes back. "I dreamed of our baby last night. He was the cutest thing I ever saw."
> 
> I truly believe that it...they...would have been. They would've been the most beautiful babies I ever saw.

Thank you. x You will stop crying eventually but you must allow time for both you and J to grieve without feeling guilty. Remember it's a loss of hope as well of life so it's double the grievance right now, your allowed to cry and for as long as you need too. I'm sure you will feel like going through this again once the pain has subsided. I know you think I'm being very bossy here with the 'you will', 'your allowed' statements but I'm hoping it will help in a way, eventually. You can do this again but just not for a while, there is hope and I hope in time you see that too. xxx


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## Mrs G

I agree with what the others have said hun. You need one another now and do not feel you have to be strong for him or not let him see you cry. You do not need to think about trying again or making any decisions right now. You must allow yourself to grieve and do what ever you need to do that.

We are all here for you hun. Life is so unfair. 

Kath xx


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## toby2

you dont have to make decisions about anything today((((((((((((())))))))
lots of love
xx


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## MrsF

Hun, i've only just seen your update, i'm so so so sorry x x x my thoughts are with you both x x x be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you want to feel x x x i know words can't take away the pain, anger, torment, crap x x x take care hun x x x


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## BizyBee

My heart aches for you CS. I am terribly sorry for your losses. Life is so cruel! :hug:


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## CurlySue

I feel exhausted. And pathetic. I feel utterly pathetic. There are no babies left so why is my body not letting this go? I feel like a sad, rejected lover who clings to her former boyfriend even though he doesn't want her any more. 

Have spent today in my pyjamas reading holiday brochures because I have to go *somewhere*. That has been my thing. Nothing works, so I pack up and get off, but whilst I am there I wish I was at home with my baby, wish I couldn't afford a holiday because I have to pay for baby stuff, wish I was in one of those family resorts where there are little babies in rubber rings...

I can't escape this. But I can't do it any more. I don't want to give up but I don't want this to be my life. I hate my life. This was the one thing that I was looking forward to. It hasn't happened. I don't think it ever will. 

So, where do I go from here? I never wanted the career. I never wanted the business suit. I just wanted the baby. 

The baby (babies) didn't want me, though...


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## MrsJD

Oh CS, I'm crying reading that last comment.

Don't ever feel pathetic. You can do this, not just now but you are a strong person and will get through this journey. Just believe in yourself.

:hugs:


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## sparkle83

*hugs* I cant add any more than the others have already said, but I am so so sorry to hear this


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## Blue12

CurlySue I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

Thinking of you.


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## dawny690

So sorry hun xxxx


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## Oneday

Curly Sue, Don't be too hard on yourself Hun . Everything you are feeling is normal. I have been there myself a few time and felt the same. It's hard but with time you will get over this and come out fighting the other end x Keep ur Hubby close and you will get thru this x


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## toby2

((((((((((()))))))))))))mmc are a very difficult thing to get yout head around, dont know why our bodies carry on as if the babies are still there but they do. Its not a personal failing of your body lovely lady, its a very sad thing that happens to some people and my understanding is no one knows why. I nearly stopped after my two mmc but in the end it overwhelmed me and i carried on, i know your journey is very different to mine but i hope you have another chance. Do whatever you need to get through. I know the nightmare you have had with your hospital but do they offer counselling for m/c?they did at mine and talking through it help me a bit, not for everyone but maybe worth a thought
thinking of you
xxxxx


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## CurlySue

I hurt so badly I don't even know where to start. I hate my body for getting my hopes up when my mind knew better. I hate my hospital for putting me through this when it might've been picked up by crappy levels of HCG (they don't DO blood testing, just send you away for three weeks to twiddle your thumbs!) I hate this Grand Maker who I never quite believed in yet who everyone seems to put every miracle ever granted down to (what about the tragedies? Surely this great God is to blame for those? Is he so fucking blameless?). I hate myself for not listening to my lifelong instinct and actually believing that something might come of all of this.

Note to self - you have never been wrong. Why would you start now?

I hate myself for actually having fleeting moments where I hope the pregnancy of our friends doesn't continue because then at least there would feel like there was some justice (and I know that's terrible - but they got pregnant in their first month, how could they POSSIBLY know what any of this is like), also because I cannot handle the thought of their baby being a month old when ours should be three weeks old, their baby having its first birthday when ours should be having its first birthday five days later...

I hate the fact that there is something dead and empty inside of me yet the hospital have sent me away for a week and are refusing to do anything about it. I explained that I just wanted it gone right away but was told no. No, you just have to deal with it. It might be that you bleed by yourself so just wait it out.

You know what? I don't WANT to bleed by myself. I can't emotionally handle bleeding by myself. I just wanted them to do ONE FUCKING THING for me, because they haven't wanted to all along. They've not got anything right. It's a pure fluke of absolutely everything there is that I managed to get pregnant but even THAT wasn't right.

I hate that there is only one hospital in my area that does IVF; hate that it's been five weeks and they STILL haven't told me what happened to the two embryos they may or may not have been freezing. Here I am, waiting to miscarry, and I don't even know if I have a fucking back up option.

I'm past sobbing my heart out, now.

I just want to scream my lungs out.


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## Georgie90

I am so so sorry :hugs:

I dont know what ese to say as I have noo idea what your going through...I just didnt want to read and run.

:cry: 


xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## MrsR32

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with your hospital's poor decisions. All your emotions sound completely normal and I agree with toby2 that maybe talking to someone trained to listen will help you. You have to do everything at your own speed though and trust that you and your DH are strong enough as individuals and as a couple to get through this in your own way.


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## toby2

Curly Sue your hospital are fucking *******s, mine is fairly shit but even they gave me the option of a d/c straight away-wont ask you if you have tried talking to them as i am sure you have but the one thing i will say is everyone you speak to will say something different-is there anyone who can try phonning them again and explain what utter pain you are in and try and get them to give you some options? Am so sorry you are feeling the way you do, I really am-you are not wrong for having hope, you are only human. As for all the other things you are feeling, i dont know if it helps to say it but i think they are a normal reaction, including and especially how you feel about your friends pregnancy. What has happened to you really isnt fair in anyway at all and your journey there makes it all the more cruel. As for the bleeding part, try not to think about it, it is likely it wont happen and if it does there are things that can help.
lots of love
hope it doesnt sound like i am brushing your feelings aside by saying they are 'normal'-am not at all and like lots of other people am here to hear what you have to say whatever it is you are sayingxx


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## CurlySue

There is no real end to it. That is the problem. All along I knew in my heart that I would never have children and all along I have been proven right about that. Yet, people expect me to carry on and try again as if I believe there is some chance of it happening, but I don't, and if I DO carry on I am just lying to myself because I don't believe for one second that it's going to work. So, really, it's just going through the motions because there IS no end. I keep going to bed thinking "Tomorrow will be a better day" but it WON'T be a better day because nothing will have changed. And I still have a physical miscarriage to look forward to. 

I want that silent, healing cry. The only cry of late has been a repetitive sob that just makes me ache.

I went to see a counsellor during IVF. Wasn't good for me really, didn't help. I still had panic attacks and felt out of control after it. I suppose it helps some people and it's good for those it does help.

More enraged with myself to be honest. And all of the things that used to make me happy don't, now. Liverpool on TV? Fuck it, don't want to watch them. Funny film on? Yeah, doesn't make me laugh. Open word document? Can't write a thing down but this. And I've been doing just about everything that I wasn't supposed to do during pregnancy, drinking lots of caffeine and eating Feta Cheese. It's like I'm punishing the pregnancy for not working. Like I am in defiant mode and I can't get out of it.

Someone told me last night "They might see a heartbeat next week, you never know." There isn't a fucking baby any more, how can there be a heartbeat? The anger came recently. It's biting and it's dreadful and I honestly feel like there is nobody I can talk to because there is nobody I know who has been through this. My best friend has had two abortions so how can I let it all out with her when all I want to do is scream at her for being so irresponsible and for throwing away and killing something that I would've loved? Seems ironic now, really. We are both two babies down.

I'm so sorry for dumping all this here. I am just so lost.


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## toby2

Thats what here is for, nobody is the same as you but there are lots of people here who can relate to some parts of what has happened.Tomorrow wont always be a better day but quite often its a different one-you will find a way through this, some people will help you and some will anoy the crap out of you. Doing it here is so much better than doing it on your own, it can be a lonely time. I dont know how long it will take for your anger to pass or get to the point where its occasional but it will even if it doesnt feel like it. To me you sound like you know yourself very well-you talk about writing, maybe writing how you are feeling-here or where ever will be a help to you, its better than keeping it in your head
((((((((((((()))))))))))))))


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## readyforbaby

So sorry for your losses. It is definitely difficult to believe that things happen for a reason when something so cruel happens. It just doesn't make sense. I lost my dad and my first pregnancy this year and I can't understand why and how this is happening, but know you are not alone in your void and that there is a lot of love here at BnB and many who understand such a tragedy. I do think you need to feel how it happens, there is no magical thing, but there is a light to hopefully reach. I am truly sorry for your loss.


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## CurlySue

I could write and write and write. It wouldn't begin to touch what I feel, this anger, this resentment, this utter fucking hatred for just about everything. I don't have a child. I will most likely never have a child. I don't have a two year old I can pick up and cuddle and give all of my love to because I have too much. I don't have a four year old I can pat on the head and think "Oh well, at least I still have you." I don't have a ten year old I can hug and kiss and tell them how proud I am of them. 

This makes me bitter, too. 

That I don't have what other people have. 

That I may never have it. 

How the fuck is that fair? 

You see? i shouldn't write anything down. It just ends up like this.


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## peartree

CS, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope you and DH will be able to help each other through this.

I can't believe the hospital is being so incompetent with regards to communication and I can't believe they're being so f***ing insensitive! Is there an option to go private for d&c?

*hugs*


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## CurlySue

It would be the same hospital. There is only one in my area for private or non-private. I DO find that insensitive. It's just another thing in a long list of fuck ups they have made in relation to all of this.

One thing I know for sure is that I seriously want to go elsewhere. I'd love to move to another city, get better treatment somewhere else, because this has been awful from the start. I am an emotional wreck because of them.


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## Kelly9

I sincerely hope that things get better for you. It breaks my heart to read your posts and think of what you are going through but don't feel bad for how your "writing" turns out that is what we are here for, to keep give you as much strength as you need and to pull you back from the highest and of ledges. Let it out we'll always be here no matter what.


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## Nathyrra

Oh no, how heartbreaking...

How very unfair is this life that takes away so cruelly from people who deserve it most.. I cannot believe it. I really can't. It's just not fair.

You really don't need this added stress of your incompetent hospital. What bloody tools they are. There's been countless ocassions they could have made this a little easier for you and they haven't. You have every right to be angry at this situation. I don't know what to say, I feel angry for you..

I cannot believe some people swan through life without a scratch whilst others have to endure crap at every bloody turn. It's so unjust.

If you need someone to talk to, or unleash your anger on without worrying about what other people think you know where I am.. I'll always listen..

Thinking of you :hugs:


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## CurlySue

I just don't know what to say any more. This is just not fair. I might sound like a spoiled brat saying that but...why do I deserve this when these "first month off the pill" people just sail through? What have I done to deserve this when there are undeserving people all over that get pregnant not problems whatsoever and sail through their pregnancies without a scratch or a mark? 

I feel like we are experiments; that there IS some Higher Being up there using us as his own miserable puppets. People to be made examples of.

"Oh, don't worry. You could be like poor [insert name] - you wouldn't want that, would you?"

We are the examples. It's not unlucky, it's just plain cruel.


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## Farie

:hugs: :hugs: oh honey, thinking of you


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## Nathyrra

There's no justification why =( That's the hardest thing to deal with. Some people get everything they want, some people don't. There's no great life lessons to be learnt from it. It's just a cruel sack of BS.

If and when you ever feel strong enough to go through IVF again and are considering private in another country. Germany has a good standard of care and you'd be very welcome to stay with us..

I wish there was a way to take at least some of the pain off your shoulders for you.


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## CurlySue

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I just got a letter off the hospital, sent by FIRST CLASS RECORDED DELIVERY POST yesterday. What do you think it was offering me?

A twelve week scan and ante natal care.

Sent yesterday.

The day after they told me at the SEVEN week scan I was miscarrying.


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## Farie

What a bloody joke, that is awful :hugs:
So sorry honey you did not deserve this to compound your hurt.


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## oliveoyl

Oh no - how insensitive! I'm so sorry


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## krissi

Hun that is terrible they should learn to bloody communicate x


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## JASMAK

Sorry for your losses hon. :hug:


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## babymaybe

Curly Sue - I don't know what to say other than I'm so very sorry.


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## peartree

OMG.... I'm so angry for you! Yet another f**k up in their long list of incompetencies. I'm so sorry you have to go through extra pain because of numpties. :nope:

Where are you based, if you don't mind me asking?


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## Lilly123

Im so so sorry hun.. i am crying for your pain.... my thoughts are with you and Oh :hugs:


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## hopefulfor09

I am so sorry.....hugs....


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## Mendy

:hugs::hugs::hugs: So sorry CurlySue! It's so freakin unfair how you try so long for something and then crap like this happens! :hugs::hugs::hugs: My thoughts are with you! 

How freaking horrible of the hospital! You'd think they would update their notes so something like this doesn't happen! :cry::cry:


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## BizyBee

I can't believe the hospital did that! How ridiculously insensitive. I hope one day you have the strength to try again and end up going to a hospital where they can empathize with you and treat you like a person, not a freakin' animal. I am sickened by this and it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about what they put you through...


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## JASMAK

CurlySue said:


> I feel exhausted. And pathetic. I feel utterly pathetic. There are no babies left so why is my body not letting this go? I feel like a sad, rejected lover who clings to her former boyfriend even though he doesn't want her any more.
> 
> Have spent today in my pyjamas reading holiday brochures because I have to go *somewhere*. That has been my thing. Nothing works, so I pack up and get off, but whilst I am there I wish I was at home with my baby, wish I couldn't afford a holiday because I have to pay for baby stuff, wish I was in one of those family resorts where there are little babies in rubber rings...
> 
> I can't escape this. But I can't do it any more. I don't want to give up but I don't want this to be my life. I hate my life. This was the one thing that I was looking forward to. It hasn't happened. I don't think it ever will.
> 
> So, where do I go from here? I never wanted the career. I never wanted the business suit. I just wanted the baby.
> 
> The baby (babies) didn't want me, though...

CS, please don't think that the babies didn't want you. I lost twins too, in October, and I am not going to say that I know what you are going through, because we all experience our losses differently. I can definitely relate to some of the feelings you have described and the anger, shock, and overwhleming sadness you are feeling. Please do not bottle them up, you must cry when you need to and let yourself grieve for your babies. Even if all along you were perhaps thinking the worst, you still loved them, and you still hoped and dreamed of them. You will never forget your twins, but time will help the pain of losing them. I really believe that one day, we will be with our babies. You are a mom, and the babies wanted to be with their mommy, so much. But, for some reason, they can't, and it isn't fair - but it isn't your fault, and your babies love you. I really believe this. Please take care of yourself, and if you ever want to, please feel free to PM me. :hug:


----------



## CurlySue

Right now I just feel like i was never even pregnant. 

I never felt pregnant to begin with. I never connected with anything inside of me, could never picture it or them, could never bond because I never for one second believed that anything was there. Instinct, maybe? I'd say maternal instinct but to be perfectly honest I'm starting to feel like there was never anything there at all, so it can't be 'maternal' really...

When our friends told me they were having a baby I looked at her and I thought "You have a a baby inside of you." My follow-up thought? "I don't." I sat in their living room and I imagined a baby running into the furniture. When I sit in mine? I imagine nothing of the sort. I heard them speaking of prams knowing that was something I'd never push, heard them speaking of decorating a bedroom knowing it was something I'd never do. 

We planned a 2015 visit to Disneyworld and I nodded and smiled, knowing I'd never go...

The funny thing is, when I eventually DO bleed it won't even be that out of the ordinary since I've had cycles longer than this...

I'm trying to push to the back of my mind the fact that I was supposed to be pregnant yet I'm not, that I am not carrying a child right now. That the pregnancy tests might come back positive but there's no baby in there. 

I'm seriously trying to push to the back of my mind the fact that there might never be...

But, I'm just in the strangest mood. It's like I'm waiting for something to change, yet nothing is going to change. I'm waiting for something to happen...but nothing is going to happen. And, the funny thing? I don't even feel like crying any more. I just feel like it's any other day.


----------



## Blue12

CurlySue,

I haven't been through nearly as much as you, and I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

I have said alot of the same things to myself that you have said here. I recently bought a book called Unsung Lullabys - Have you ever heard of it or read it - I am about half way through and I find it profound in capturing this torturous experience.

Best wishes CurlySue.

:hugs2:


----------



## HS Bean

I am so sorry, that just isn't right.


----------



## CurlySue

Nothing is right, you are right there. Nothing is fair. It took me years to get to this point and it only lasted three weeks. Other people come off the pill and are 'there' straight away. That's not right. 

I am trying not to reach the realisation that it might be ANOTHER three years before I get to this point again. My mind can't tolerate that. It can't accept it. I'm not ready to deal with that. 

It feels like everything has changed yet outside, life still goes on and in reality, nothing has changed at all. I'm still infertile. I've seen two lines on a test but I was never 'pregnant'...not really...not in the true sense of the word. There was never a heartbeat. 

It's another thing that haunts me, that. As well as "Will we get a picture?" J said to me "All I want to see is a heartbeat." He didn't get either. 

Good God, how bitter am I?


----------



## leeanne

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. :hugs:


----------



## HS Bean

CurlySue said:


> Nothing is right, you are right there. Nothing is fair. It took me years to get to this point and it only lasted three weeks. Other people come off the pill and are 'there' straight away. That's not right.
> 
> I am trying not to reach the realisation that it might be ANOTHER three years before I get to this point again. My mind can't tolerate that. It can't accept it. I'm not ready to deal with that.
> 
> It feels like everything has changed yet outside, life still goes on and in reality, nothing has changed at all. I'm still infertile. I've seen two lines on a test but I was never 'pregnant'...
> 
> Good God, how bitter am I?

I know, it feels like the world should at least stop for a few mins, things shouldn't keep going on like nothing happened, because something important did happen. I am so sorry you are hurting, I can tell you it will get better, but right now it doesn't feel that way.


----------



## vineyard

:hug:

I'm sorry for your losses.


----------



## Nicnac

Morning hon,

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I'm so sorry to hear about the f**k up from the hospital, what a bunch of incompetant w******rs.
It's still so very raw for you hon, and your feelings are perfectly natural, but it won't be another 3 years. And you're not bitter. You're just grieving for your loss.
It will get better hon, and it will happen for you. I wish I could take away the pain for you:hugs:

:hug:


----------



## toby2

Its a horrible feeling when then world around you continues and you just want it to stop when something so big has happened to you. Everytime I read what you have written there is so much I want to say to you but I do realise I am not the right person to say it. For what its worth I dont think you sound bitter, I think you sound very sad,angry and hurt about a completly shit,unfair and unjust situation you are in. I do understand why you are feeling otherwise but your babies were there, you and body did what it was supposed to or you wouldnt have got you +ve result-they just didnt stay long enough to make it.
xxx


----------



## CurlySue

Nicnac said:


> Morning hon,
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> I'm so sorry to hear about the f**k up from the hospital, what a bunch of incompetant w******rs.
> It's still so very raw for you hon, and your feelings are perfectly natural, but it won't be another 3 years. And you're not bitter. You're just grieving for your loss.
> It will get better hon, and it will happen for you. I wish I could take away the pain for you:hugs:
> 
> :hug:

That's the thing though, Nicnac.

I don't think it will. 

I never thought it would. And, it's so scary to be proven right about that...

How do I come to terms with a childless existence? How do I accept that maybe, just maybe, it isn't 'meant to be'? 

Why can't I be one of those people who have no maternal instincts at all and don't WANT children? It'd be so much fucking easier...


----------



## Sammy2009

This must be absolutely awful for you... i just dont know what to say... I am so sorry for your loss.... i think i know you from another forum you were on.

Nothing i say will make you feel any better right now but i just wanted to give you some hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## JASMAK

I don't think I know enough about your infertility to comment on whether you will ever be able to have a child with your DNA, but there is certainly other ways to have children. It may be a hard long journey...and may be something you are not willing to explore (my husband and I went through the motions to adopt and then decided against it) but, don't count yourself out just yet. Just because your mind set is not there, does not mean that it will not happen. I think that many women who are faced with infertility for whatever reasons, often feel like it will never happen.


----------



## srm0421

Dear, I read the whole thread and I felt like I had written it myself. I had a Missed M/C in July of 2005, the only difference is that I had a little baby in there that just wasn't alive. I too had to wait a week but please please please understand that there is nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. I was so angry and so bitter and just smoked all day long not wanting to get out my pajamas or even be bothered to talk to anyone. People got pg around me and I was so angry too. I had m/c before this so I though I would never hold my baby in my arms and it took a long time to get my emotions under control. My (now) husband would hold me at night while I cried and not say anything just hold me, that was good because there are no words to say. Nothing will ever make it better and I didn't want to forget my baby even though it had been gone for weeks before I found out. I took a HPT when I got home from the u/s because surely it would show up negative if the baby was gone right? Wrong, I can't tell you how long it will take for you to feel better or if you ever will. I still think about it and my due date and what their ages would be today. I got pg afterwards and was scared shitless the entire time, I didn't want to bond with the baby because I didn't trust it. I got very lucky and have an almost 3 year old now but am having trouble getting pg again and have been told that with PCOS I am more likely to m/c even though I had one healthy pg so now I am back to being scared. I really feel for you because I remember those feelings, to tell you the truth the only thing that made it better at all was giving birth to a healthy baby. :hugs2: for you and I hope that you can hold your child in your arms one day and finally be able to be happy instead of the anger that has and will continue to be inside you.


----------



## CurlySue

I can't imagine ever giving birth to a healthy baby. I never could. If I could get pregnant straight away then that might fill some kind of void but it took me so long to get here that I can't imagine getting here again. Not by myself. It just never worked for me and I don't know how long I can go through month after month of nothing happening. I have so many stupid problems that it's virtually impossible anyway. 

The other problem is there is only one hospital in my region that does IVF and I have utterly no faith in them. They were incompetent from start to finish and I can't go through that again. I just can't.

Adoption? 8 months to get approved and they 'hope' to place "within 2 years" - if you want a baby then it's even longer. Again, a long, long journey and I don't think I can go through this. I really don't. What I'd give to be able to feel positive but I don't. I never did. 

I see no end to all of this. No end at all.


----------



## Lilly123

Oh honey... as a ray of light... the fact that you fell pregnant with your 1st IVF is a good thing and is a good sign for IVFs to come.. I know u cant even think about that now.... but just so u know not all hope is lost... you will have your baby...please dont give up... this is not your fault..you have to be in it to win it and it is so unfair what has happened to u.. and i think your hospital is up to shit! is there no way you could travel to another clinic and stay there for like 2 weeks and do your IVF there?

Big hugs to u.....:hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

It isn't really that simple to me, Tanya. its just how I feel. I had 12 eggs. Of those, only 2 were good enough quality to replace and those were chromosomally abnormal, it seems. So, out of 12 NONE were good enough. 

Says to me that the problem might be my eggs after all and if so, no amount of IVF is going to work. 

Sorry for being negative, but I've felt all along that the problem might have been egg quality. The hospital I am at are so shit they wouldn't even acknowledge that, I'd bet. 

Not sure how I would go about transferring. Not even sure I want to do this again, tbh...


----------



## MummyClements

Im sorry to read this - i havent read all the way through.

I had this happen too :( I was gutted as was desperate for twins. :(

I had to wait a week to see if i bled, but i didnt, so i opted to wait 2 more weeks in case a heartbeat appeared but it didnt :(

I cried for weeks but that pain does pass.

I am not sure if it is any help but I would be more than happy for you to have one my eggs in the future. I dont want this to sound insensitive as its meant in the nicest way possible.


----------



## Kelly9

What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.


----------



## alison011177

im so so sorry x


----------



## DaniGirl

I'm soooo sorry :cry:


----------



## Lilly123

CurlySue said:


> It isn't really that simple to me, Tanya. its just how I feel. I had 12 eggs. Of those, only 2 were good enough quality to replace and those were chromosomally abnormal, it seems. So, out of 12 NONE were good enough.
> 
> Says to me that the problem might be my eggs after all and if so, no amount of IVF is going to work.
> 
> Sorry for being negative, but I've felt all along that the problem might have been egg quality. The hospital I am at are so shit they wouldn't even acknowledge that, I'd bet.
> 
> Not sure how I would go about transferring. Not even sure I want to do this again, tbh...


Im so sorry hun... I understand. I just dont want u to give up hope.. I want u to have your dream...I definitely think u would need to transfer.. but take your time hun, grieve and we are all here for u.. I am truely truely sorry :kiss::hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Kelly9 said:


> What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.

I want the child to be mine. I want it to be my baby. I want to look at it and say "She's got my eyes" or "He's got my nose". If the baby could only be mine or OH's, I'd rather it was neither. It's just the way I feel, in the same way I wouldn't expect him to bring up a child that came from another man's sperm. It'd always feel more mine than his, just like if the opposite was true it'd always feel more his than mine.

I'd adopt before I did that. Never used to feel that way but I do, now. 

Before I did all that I'd go through the genetic testing to see if it IS my eggs that are the problem. More time. More pain. More emotional anxiety. I don't know how much of it I can take really. I know I never want to feel this way again, and most of how I feel is incredibly angry and bitter towards the hospital that failed to treat me. I'd complain, but what's the point? It's the sodding NHS. They kill people and get away with it.


----------



## maz

It's very early days for you yet hun. I have some idea of what you're going through, although for me I bled straight away. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to be told at your scan that you've MCd. I found that once my bleed was finished I instantly felt 'physically' better - there's still the emotional anguish, which does get easier, but is still there - almost 8 months later.

When you feel better there are still options for you. No doubt you'll get to go for a review appointment at the hospital, and I'd take this opportunity to tell them how you're feeling. If you aren't happy with their response, then I'd write to your MP and voice your concerns, and tell them you need their help. Perhaps you could be referred to another hospital - even if it means travelling a bit - for your next cycle.

It is a long way down the line at the moment but, I hear what you're saying about the egg donation scenario. I can understand you wouldn't want your child to be your DHs but not yours, so what about embryo donation? It's practically the same as adoption from the point of view that the child isn't genetically yours, but the waiting time won't be as long, you won't be subjected to the same invasive questioning, and your capabilities as a parent aren't scrutinised by a bunch of social workers ... Plus you'll definitely get to have your baby instead of a 5 year old or older.

The most important thing at the moment, is that you take your time to recover. I really believe that once you have your bleed, as horrendous and painful (physically and emotionally) as it's going to be, you will start to feel better.

:hug:


----------



## CurlySue

maz said:


> It's very early days for you yet hun. I have some idea of what you're going through, although for me I bled straight away. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to be told at your scan that you've MCd. I found that once my bleed was finished I instantly felt 'physically' better - there's still the emotional anguish, which does get easier, but is still there - almost 8 months later.
> 
> When you feel better there are still options for you. No doubt you'll get to go for a review appointment at the hospital, and I'd take this opportunity to tell them how you're feeling. If you aren't happy with their response, then I'd write to your MP and voice your concerns, and tell them you need their help. Perhaps you could be referred to another hospital - even if it means travelling a bit - for your next cycle.
> 
> It is a long way down the line at the moment but, I hear what you're saying about the egg donation scenario. I can understand you wouldn't want your child to be your DHs but not yours, so what about embryo donation? It's practically the same as adoption from the point of view that the child isn't genetically yours, but the waiting time won't be as long, you won't be subjected to the same invasive questioning, and your capabilities as a parent aren't scrutinised by a bunch of social workers ... Plus you'll definitely get to have your baby instead of a 5 year old or older.
> 
> The most important thing at the moment, is that you take your time to recover. I really believe that once you have your bleed, as horrendous and painful (physically and emotionally) as it's going to be, you will start to feel better.
> 
> :hug:

To be 'proven right' at that scan was heartbreaking. I told her before she put that sodding wand in that I felt there was nothing in there. I felt so bad for J when she told me I was right. I haven't bled yet. This pregnancy must've ended close to three weeks ago and my body won't let go. I just don't understand why. Exactly 4 weeks to the day that I found out that something had stuck I found out that it was all over. One whole month of tentative hope. That is just cruel, to me. 

I still have the problem of there only being one hospital dealing with fertility in my area and I honestly don't know how to go about changing of if I even WANT to. Embryo donation would just seem like a very expensive and very uncertain thing, to me. Again, I'd have to go through the testing to see if it IS my eggs before I'd take that step.

You were the same at one point, no? You thought the problem might be your eggs. Did anything ever come of that? 

I'm just in limbo now. I'm sitting here knowing that there is nothing inside of me and cursing my own body for failing to let go of it. It's as if nothing is happening. I feel as if I should go to work on Monday because nothing is changing. Obviously, I have to go back to that shithole on Tuesday for another scan (just to drag it out that bit more) and then I can think about the actual physical miscarriage, but I just feel so odd at the minute that I can't even fathom that part. 

Can't understand anything right now.


----------



## maz

CurlySue said:


> You were the same at one point, no? You thought the problem might be your eggs. Did anything ever come of that?

We had a chat about it, and have decided to go for our NHS treatment. I'm going to voice my concerns about our poor fertilisation rate, and request that they do ICSI. Hopefully, they'll use the information from our previous cycles and agree that it can't do any harm. The way I see it, to do the same thing when information is there to show it hasn't worked, would be a waste of NHS resources. 

If that cycle doesn't work or at the very least improve our fertilisation rate substantially, then we're going to research further testing. Not sure if the testing would be available on the NHS or if we'd need to go private. But no doubt if it is available on the NHS, it'll take ages for the tests to be done, and even longer to get the results.


----------



## CurlySue

My problem wasn't fertilisation rate. They fertilised well. My problem was that they didn't develop and that the ones that DID develop and were transferred were most likely chromosomally defective. To have one blighted ovum is bad luck. To have two at the same time? Well, to me that indicates there was something wrong with them. 

Apparently when this happens it is usually a problem with egg quality! Have done some research and they reckon that twin blighted ovum are less frequently seen than sodding pregnancy-related cancer.

The woman doing the scan referred to it as a 'missed miscarriage' but since she saw nothing in either sac I have deducted this is what it was. From 'seeing nothing' she meant she didn't even see a fetal pole which indicates there never WAS a fetus. To happen to one? Bad luck. Both? Hmm...well, the fact that the other embryos stopped developing so early or were simply poor quality and for these to be abnormal does set off alarm bells. 

Cramps are pretty bad today. Never thought I'd actually be hoping for blood but it's about time my stupid body started cooperating.


----------



## Nathyrra

CurlySue said:


> Kelly9 said:
> 
> 
> What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.
> 
> I want the child to be mine. I want it to be my baby. I want to look at it and say "She's got my eyes" or "He's got my nose". If the baby could only be mine or OH's, I'd rather it was neither. It's just the way I feel, in the same way I wouldn't expect him to bring up a child that came from another man's sperm. It'd always feel more mine than his, just like if the opposite was true it'd always feel more his than mine.Click to expand...

I would never go for donor eggs for exactly the same reason. 

I really think it'll do you at least no further harm to try and get into another hospital. That hospital has rocked your confidence. They should be answering your questions and putting you at ease. Waiting is making the situation worse.. Bloody tools.

:hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Nathyrra said:


> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Kelly9 said:
> 
> 
> What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.
> 
> I want the child to be mine. I want it to be my baby. I want to look at it and say "She's got my eyes" or "He's got my nose". If the baby could only be mine or OH's, I'd rather it was neither. It's just the way I feel, in the same way I wouldn't expect him to bring up a child that came from another man's sperm. It'd always feel more mine than his, just like if the opposite was true it'd always feel more his than mine.Click to expand...
> 
> I would never go for donor eggs for exactly the same reason.
> 
> I really think it'll do you at least no further harm to try and get into another hospital. That hospital has rocked your confidence. They should be answering your questions and putting you at ease. Waiting is making the situation worse.. Bloody tools.
> 
> :hugs:Click to expand...

I hate it. I truly do. Wouldn't recommend it to anybody. 

Our Mission Statement is "Individualised treatment by caring professionals."

That is what it says on their website. What a fucking joke. 

Thanks for the earlier offer, love. It did mean a lot. To be honest, though, I don't even know if I want a further cycle. I just don't have faith that it would work!


----------



## Nathyrra

CurlySue said:


> Nathyrra said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Kelly9 said:
> 
> 
> What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.
> 
> I want the child to be mine. I want it to be my baby. I want to look at it and say "She's got my eyes" or "He's got my nose". If the baby could only be mine or OH's, I'd rather it was neither. It's just the way I feel, in the same way I wouldn't expect him to bring up a child that came from another man's sperm. It'd always feel more mine than his, just like if the opposite was true it'd always feel more his than mine.Click to expand...
> 
> I would never go for donor eggs for exactly the same reason.
> 
> I really think it'll do you at least no further harm to try and get into another hospital. That hospital has rocked your confidence. They should be answering your questions and putting you at ease. Waiting is making the situation worse.. Bloody tools.
> 
> :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> I hate it. I truly do. Wouldn't recommend it to anybody.
> 
> Our Mission Statement is "Individualised treatment by caring professionals."
> 
> That is what it says on their website. What a fucking joke.
> 
> Thanks for the earlier offer, love. It did mean a lot. To be honest, though, I don't even know if I want a further cycle. I just don't have faith that it would work!Click to expand...

Do you think your hospital will offer you some type of egg screening? I think in knowing what you're dealing with might give you a little more confidence to try again.

Still cannot believe it. How many times can life knock you down. So unfair. :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Nathyrra said:


> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nathyrra said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Kelly9 said:
> 
> 
> What about using an egg donor? Would you consider that? I mean genetically the baby isn't yours but if you got pregnant you would still get to carry the baby and develop a bond that way? And you wouldn't have to go through another egg retrieval again so it wouldn't take as long.
> 
> I want the child to be mine. I want it to be my baby. I want to look at it and say "She's got my eyes" or "He's got my nose". If the baby could only be mine or OH's, I'd rather it was neither. It's just the way I feel, in the same way I wouldn't expect him to bring up a child that came from another man's sperm. It'd always feel more mine than his, just like if the opposite was true it'd always feel more his than mine.Click to expand...
> 
> I would never go for donor eggs for exactly the same reason.
> 
> I really think it'll do you at least no further harm to try and get into another hospital. That hospital has rocked your confidence. They should be answering your questions and putting you at ease. Waiting is making the situation worse.. Bloody tools.
> 
> :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> I hate it. I truly do. Wouldn't recommend it to anybody.
> 
> Our Mission Statement is "Individualised treatment by caring professionals."
> 
> That is what it says on their website. What a fucking joke.
> 
> Thanks for the earlier offer, love. It did mean a lot. To be honest, though, I don't even know if I want a further cycle. I just don't have faith that it would work!Click to expand...
> 
> Do you think your hospital will offer you some type of egg screening? I think in knowing what you're dealing with might give you a little more confidence to try again.
> 
> Still cannot believe it. How many times can life knock you down. So unfair. :hugs:Click to expand...

Not sure if they would offer it. It's something I'd have to discuss but since i don't want treatment at that hospital again I suppose I'd have to go through it all elsewhere. 

Just not sure how to go about being referred elsewhere...


----------



## Mrs G

I don't know if this is helpful to you at the moment but I just wanted to say that you are entitled to be treated at any clinic you choose. We are not being treated at our local clinic, we chose to go to one further away cos we felt more confortable there, their success rates are better and they had less of a waiting list. They sorted it all out for us and arranged to transfer our funding from our local PCT. Although your PCT will fund it, the actual treatment can be carried out anywhere. When you feel you can, it might be worth researching other clinics near to you.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do now, but the pain will in time ease. You are such a strong woman to have got this far and I know that strength will get you through this. You are in my thoughts.

Kath xx


----------



## CurlySue

There is one in Manchester but it's apparently even worse than this one. There's a private one in Manchester that has some contracts with PCTs for NHS treatment and I've written to them to ask if they cover Liverpool as well but other than that the nearest is Leeds or Sheffield.


----------



## toby2

Thinking of you(((((((())))))))
when I spoke to the consultant I saw I asked him why I didnt bleed with my mmc(babies stopped at 6wks, I found out at 13wks) and he said six weeks was average time to start bleeding- I know this isnt always the case as I know lots of people do after they find out fron their scans.
When you go back on Tuesday maybe you or you oh could find the strength to ask about what the first scan showed so you know for sure whether it was blighted ovum or mmc, I know you know what you are talking about but sometimes they are vague when they talk to you and it leaves you lots of gaps to fill in yourself, if you cant face it then I am sure it is something someone will be able to do for you at a later date. On a physical side dont suffer with your cramps, take pain killers and have a hotwater bottle
xxxxx


----------



## CurlySue

Toby, she said "I see two sacs but nothing is inside either of them. They are completely empty."

No fetal pole. No yolk sac. 

She called it a missed miscarriage because I think it sounds less cruel than a blighted ovum but I know that's what it was. I know that's what they both were. Two in one go. There is bad luck and there is bloody well cursed!!! 

I just want to bleed now. I just want it over with. You were worse off than me in that you went seven weeks without bleeding. If they send me away again on Tuesday though I'm refusing to move. They can give me something to fix things there and then or at least schedule something.


----------



## toby2

It was crap i didnt bleed but everyones journey is different, not better or worse. i know how lucky i am in other respects. i was fortunate enough to have a kinder hospital, they offered me a d/c straight away both times, had to wait a few days but at least i knew it was there- i cannot imagine that wont be what happens for you on tuesday, like you say just refuse to leave if you dont get what you want,its utter mental torture and there is only so much any one person can take-is your gp any good?they maybe some thing they can do if you can talk to them and explain how you are feeling? i know what you mean about feeling like you might as well go to work but I really hope you dont, its still really early days for you on the emotional side and on the physical side home is the best place to be if anything starts
xxxxxx


----------



## Millnsy

Hi CS

I've been away for a few days so have only just logged on. I am shocked and saddened to hear your awful news. Nothing more to say, just didn't want to read and run...

Millnsy x


----------



## peekaboo

Been silently following your journey and have to say I'm so sorry. Even though I don't know you my heart sank when I saw the title of this post. I just hope you get some answers now and better medical help than it seems you've had so far. x


----------



## Brambletess

Hi CS

Just got back from holiday and was GUTTED to read your post. Its so unfair you are having to go through this. I don't know what else to say, other than, I know how you feel. Please don't rush back to work. I was off for two weeks after mine and needed all of that time to feel strong enough. The emotions grab you at the strangest time and you do not want to be at work feeling like that. I was bad for a week and then off and on the following week. Each person is diiferent and it can take much longer for others. Its a massively hard thing to get through and i hope it all resolves itself on the phsical side as soon as possible.

I know it all seems stacked against you right now but it may be that batch of eggs were not viable but in a future go you will have some that are. Its a free go, its worth doing but only when you feel strong enough. 

Once again, so upset for you as I know what it means to you.

xx
Bridget


----------



## toby2

thinking of you for tomorrow and i really hope it goes the way that is best for you
lots of love
xx


----------



## Pippin

Thinking of you today CS, hope they gave you some answers. :hugs: xxx


----------



## CurlySue

No answers.

Sent away until next Thursday.

"I am 99.99% sure this is not a progressing pregnancy but you'll have to come back next Thursday and speak to a doctor about options. I saw a fetal pole today. There wasn't one last week, or if there was we didn't see it, so because of that no doctor will see you."

She gave me information to make an appointment with a miscarriage counsellor - yet won't do anything to help me. 

There are no answers.


----------



## MrsJD

CS, was there one or two FP's?

This is a nightmare! They've sent you away due to seeing the FP as they can't do anything until they are 100% it's not progressing.

X


----------



## CurlySue

One.

One sac (the bigger one) was totally empty. The smaller one (far too small for gestation, she said) had a fetal pole. It's tiny, she said, far smaller than it should be, and she is 99.99% sure that it's not viable. I will likely bleed before then, she said, but no doctor will do a D&C or medically managed miscarriage until this third scan. It's NOT progressing. She even said that the fetal pole was probably there last week but it was too close to 'the wall' (or something) that the scan did not pick up on it. 

Nine days away.

Nine more days in limbo in case I bleed, and for what? 0.01%? I don't think 0.01% is worth the mental torment I am feeling right now. 

What the fuck am I supposed to feel like right now? She's told me I'm miscarrying. She's told me there is no chance yet nobody in that shitty hospital will do anything to help make this easier.


----------



## Nicnac

Hey hon,

I'm so sorry there's still no answers. I can't believe that they can act like this. 

I don't know anything about the IVF process, but if they are spotting a FP now, which they didn't see last time, why isn't that a positive? 

Wish there was something we could do for you.

:hug:


----------



## Nicnac

Sorry hon, was typing and didn't see your reply.


----------



## Jkelmum

:hugs: sorry for your losses


----------



## Pippin

Goodness what a roller coaster I'm so sorry hon. I read a post in first tri which had the same and a miracle did happen so I understand their reservations but it doesn't help the mess that's going on in your head right now. I guess you have to see this as the final straight but think about the future and the fact there was a fetal pole, so a sign that maybe this can work in the future. Hope that doesn't come across wrong :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Dunno, it just gives me false hope. It was there but didn't develop. So, in one go I had both a blighted ovum and a missed miscarriage. That makes me feel pretty shitty to be honest.


----------



## Pippin

CurlySue said:


> Dunno, it just gives me false hope. It was there but didn't develop. So, in one go I had both a blighted ovum and a missed miscarriage. That makes me feel pretty shitty to be honest.

Understandably.


----------



## toby2

so sorry you didnt get any answers- to be honestly I dont know what to say, I just cant believe you still have another nine days to wait, its so hard to understand why it has to be that way-what a blow
lots of love
((((((((())))))))


----------



## CurlySue

I can't believe it either, Toby. My mental state wasn't great as it was. I had come to terms with things and was looking forward to scheduling something today and at least having an end to it all. No closure. No moving on. More uncertainty. 

How is it fair?


----------



## toby2

it is not even the tinest bit fair and to be honest, even from a medical point of veiw its difficult to understand. I know the absolute last thing you need at the moment is people giving you advice but its very hard to leave you sitting there and say nothing- I understand a tiny part of what you are going through and that tiny bit atually nearly broke me so I just cant imagine how you are getting by day to day. Is there any chance you could go to your gp and tell him how this is effecting you, firstly to get some support and secondly it may be possible for him to refer you back or get something done differently at the hospital, although not easy it is possible for gps to do this-I am sorry if this is going over old ground
xxx


----------



## CurlySue

There is only this hospital, Toby, so the GP could not really do anything. He can't refer me elsewhere either because there isn't an elsewhere. 

I cried, cracked, I told her my head was a mess, I could not cope any more. I wanted something done now. I did not want to wait. It made no difference whatsoever.


----------



## toby2

I dont understand why they do it-just seems so cruel, they just seem to look at the physical side and totally ignore the mental and emotional side of it. I am so very sorry this is happening to you, and I wish there was something i could do to help the next nine days pass for you-its crap curly sue it really is,there is no justifying it-hope you have people around you to help you through this you deserve all the support you can get
xxxx


----------



## CurlySue

I'm going to have to go to work. I can't go tomorrow, my head is too much of a mess, but I'll have to go on Thursday and Friday and then next week, until scan on Thursday. I'll just have to tell them that if I start bleeding I will have to leave straight away. I can't just indefinitely stay off though.


----------



## toby2

No, it gets difficult doesnt it? see how you go I guess?In some kind of way it may act as a distraction and if it gets to much you can always leave and get the dr to sign you off, dont see how they could say no-for most people bleeding starts gradually so you would have time to get home if you needed
xx


----------



## maz

CS - what a horrible situation.

What I don't understand is why they won't just help you move past this ... It's not as though you could have made a mistake in your conception date and you're not as far along as you thought you were. If you hadn't had IVF with a definite conception date, I could nearly understand them wanting to be triply sure that it wasn't going anywhere. This is just crap altogether.

I hope this horrible nightmare is over soon.

:hug:


----------



## CurlySue

That is my point exactly, Maz. There is no mistaking my conception date. I can be no less than 8 weeks pregnant exactly today. Even if she DID see a fetal pole, if it's only measuring 5 weeks, 5 and a half weeks or whatever that is STILL non-viable because it's close to three weeks behind where it should be. 

There's no way around this. It's not viable. It's stopped. Ended. There is no chance. So why won't they help me move past it since my body clearly doesn't want to do it? 

Oh, she made a point of telling me that when I do bleed it will be like the worst period I have ever had in my life because I am passing a fairly large gestational sac and a second sac with a fetal pole.


----------



## toby2

(((((((((((((((cs)))))))))))) thinking of you
i know its easy for me to say but i hope what she said about bleeding isnt worrying you too much, if you start to bleed there are lots of people on here who can answer any questions you may have-that was another stupid thing she said because everyone is different
lots of lovexx


----------



## Farie

So sorry CS
They just keep throwing shit at you don't they :hugs:
Really hope this gets cleared up so you can move past this awful situation


----------



## CurlySue

I had come to terms with it all. That is what is pissing me off so much. They don't seem to care that I had come to terms. They just want to drag it out even more. Like I said, regardless of whether there is a fetal pole or not it's not viable, so why make this harder then it has to be?

Honestly, I don't want to do IVF again. If ever there was an experience that was going to push me towards adoption it is the experience I have had at the Hewitt Centre.


----------



## Mrs G

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. :hug: I can't understand why they would want to prolong this for you. It is so unfair and cruel.
xx


----------



## CurlySue

If there was a realistic reason for it then I'd understand, but she'd told me that even if there is a fetal pole it's a missed miscarriage. If there is a 5.5 week 'baby' at 8 weeks it's quite clearly dead after all...

I just don't understand. I am so angry right now. Imagine I was one of those emotionally unstable people who get to a point where they want to harm themselves when things get this bad. Do they care so little that they'd send me away to do that? 

I'm not one of those people, but I could be couldn't I?


----------



## Mrs G

They seem to have forgotten the emotional side of this and just be dealing with the physical. :hugs:


----------



## krissi

OMFG I can not belive you are being treated like this CS my heart really goes out to you xx


----------



## CurlySue

It's not quite right is it? See THIS is the reason why some women fake severe cramping just to get treated like a real person. This is why people try to cheat the system, because the system doesn't give a shit.


----------



## Mynxie

so sorry for your loss sweetheart *hugs*


----------



## toby2

Are you def going to work tomorrow?take it easy if you are and leave if it gets to much
xx


----------



## CurlySue

Just had a bit of a mental breakdown. Ended up making myself sick, literally. 

Can't go to work. Don't want to look like I am taking the piss but I can't go in like this...


----------



## JASMAK

Take some time off - you will need it. I had to take two weeks off for each miscarriage, and you will want to take time off for the bleeding too.


----------



## Brambletess

No don't go to work, you are far too vulnerable right now. your gp will sign you off, It knocks you for 6 at times and the emotions can be like a steam roller. This is real grief you are experiencing and in no way should this be undermined. Although it has been 5 weeks for me and I feel much better, I am not really myself. I am nice one minute then a bitch the next. Nearly got into a fight with a stranger today because she was threatening me. Normally I would have backed away but I feel so much anger in me right now. I realise its a stage of gief though. Oh Curly sue, I am so upset for you, if you are finding it hard to cope please see GP about what help is available. Dont try to deal with it alone.Big Hug


----------



## toby2

oh lovely(((((((())))))))) Just what everyone else said really-do what you need to get you through and dont give work or anyone else a second thought, if they have an issue with you being off they will get over it but its really important you have the time you need after the horible shitty and sad time you are having
lots of love
xxx


----------



## Oneday

Take as much time as you need, you don't need any added stress and remember your employers cannot disapline you for any time off that is pregnancy related x


----------



## CurlySue

I haven't even started miscarrying yet. This is what is worrying me. I have been off now for 6 working days. I am not due back at hospital until next Thursday. Then they will schedule something. Might not even be until the following week. By the end of it all I might have even been off for THREE weeks.

That just looks terrible.

If this were a straightforward miscarriage it would be okay, but my body is clinging on, my mind is cracking daily and this really could go on for days and days and days. I haven't even BLED yet. 

I'm just scared, really.


----------



## Brambletess

Speak to your doctor and ask for advice, I am sure he/she will sign you off sick for two weeks, then it is in black and white. You are not throwing a sickie, you did not ask for this, it is important you look after yourself physically and emotionally during this time. If it takes three weeks, thats what it takes. After your bleed or D&C you will need a couple of days and then afterwards you can think about returning to work. Its not just the miscarriage, its everything building up to it that has to be taken into consideration. Don't worry about this, see your GP, and then focus on coming to terms. I had three weeks off over mine, the week leading up to the bleed and then two weeks after. i needed it and my work totally understood. I doubt they would want us in anyway when in a highly emotional state, it would be distressing for us and distressing for colleagues too. Thinking of you :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

I'm going to see what the doctor says. I was all up for going in today but I knew I wasn't ready. I was only doing it to please 'the boss' - but nothing has changed, has it? I'm still in limbo. I seriously don't think this hospital realises what it's doing to my mental state. 

I'm now concerned that I am getting an infection. My temperature has gone high, I feel shaky and weak, nauseous yet constantly hungry and I could honestly sleep all day. When you consider the fact that the sac with the fetal pole must've been dead for three or four weeks it wouldn't be totally inconceivable that infection was starting to set in, especially when they are refusing to do a D&C and my body is not doing its job.


----------



## Rumpskin

I did not start bleeding until 4 weeks after LO had died. If you are feeling poorly, definately go to the doctors and get checked out.

I am so sorry, I know how hard it is xxx


----------



## Pippin

Hon I totally agree with what Brambletess has said, you must look after yourself and sod work, they come very low down the list of priorities now. I know work is important it is for me too but you are number 1 not them :hugs: Hope it goes well with the doctors. x


----------



## CurlySue

Rumpskin said:


> I did not start bleeding until 4 weeks after LO had died. If you are feeling poorly, definately go to the doctors and get checked out.
> 
> I am so sorry, I know how hard it is xxx

I don't even know when it died. All I know is that by the time they intervene it has been dead for a hell of a long time and I'm showing no signs of bleeding. Having severe pain in my ovarian region as well, on my right side. But no bleeding. No anything. Just feeling sick and weak and in pain and no bleeding. 

I can't believe they are doing this.


----------



## vineyard

CurlySue said:


> Rumpskin said:
> 
> 
> I did not start bleeding until 4 weeks after LO had died. If you are feeling poorly, definately go to the doctors and get checked out.
> 
> I am so sorry, I know how hard it is xxx
> 
> I don't even know when it died. All I know is that by the time they intervene it has been dead for a hell of a long time and I'm showing no signs of bleeding. Having severe pain in my ovarian region as well, on my right side. But no bleeding. No anything. Just feeling sick and weak and in pain and no bleeding.
> 
> I can't believe they are doing this.Click to expand...

You really should go in, especially if you are running a fever and in pain and weak. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's not fair at all.


----------



## toby2

((((((((((((()))))))))))))))oh my lovely-am not suprised you are scared, made me feel like a ticking time bomb, nothing will suddenly happen, you will get warning if anything starts, probably quite a lot of warning, i know that doesnt help your situation but its horrible to be sat expecting the unexpected. I hope you managed to get to a gp and they were understanding-you really need some support from someone and if you dont feel well you need checking, maybe to do with whats going on or it may just be that you are run down with the physical and mental stress of it all but you should get that reassurance either way from a dr.
I also took three weeks of for both my mmc, within a space of a year and it just takes what it takes, what ever problm that causes at work isnt your problem and it will pass, like bramble says if you just tell your dr you need signing off for two weeks then you wont have to worry anymore
biggest of all hugs for you, am thinking of you
xxx


----------



## CurlySue

I got signed off for a week and if on Thursday I manage to get something sorted GP will sign me off for longer. I'm just going to ask for the tablets. I know it will be painful but if I want a D&C I'd be looking at an even longer wait and I just want this over with now.

The irony is, I now have what feels like morning sickness and the tiredness I had at the very start before symptoms vanished is back. I feel awful. Utterly, totally awful. I got my letter from GP but now I am terrified about phoning work. I just know I will get someone in a bad mood making me feel awful. Being all snipey and funny with me. 

Really do feel awful. And my mother isn't helping. She's been going on all kinds of websites and is trying to convince me that they were wrong, that this is what has happened, that when I go for scan next Thursday there will be a healthy nine week old baby with a heartbeat. I feel guilty for shouting at her but I did. I don't need that. I need realism. I don't need a miracle.


----------



## toby2

((((((((((()))))))))))
Can you email work and send in your sicknote?or get someone else to do it for you, i couldnt manage those phone calls either times and i quite like my boss.
Its hard with your mum, dealing with other peoples reactions and grief when you dont know what to do with yours is so tough-its cause she cares and wants it to be ok but like you say that doesnt help you.
I know you will have thought it through and read up on it but i chose a d/c because i felt the physical part would be quicker-i was in and out for day surgery and had a day in bed and then was physically ok, obviously what you cjose for you is right for you
Glad your dr was of some help
lots of love
xxx


----------



## Sickovwaitin

I'm sorry to hear your news. :hugs:


----------



## maz

Could you not just post in your sick note with a covering letter. That's what I did when i was signed off for my MC. I emailed them when i got back to work to let them know the state of play. Mind you, my bosses are in Manchester and I work in Belfast, so seeing my manager is pretty difficult at the best of times.

Sending you big :hugs: and hoping your hell is over with soon. 

Hope you start to feel better soon.

:hug:


----------



## toby2

how you doing today?Hope you managed to sort work out without to much stress
lots of love
xx


----------



## CurlySue

I emailed work. Waiting for a response. I just put the following: - 

Hi Marie,

I'm sorry to email but I just feel really bad about not being in the last week and I'm still feeling stupidly upset when I have to talk about things. I didn't want to burst into tears whilst speaking to you and I feel awful that this has become complicated and is dragging on. My head is in a bit of a mess at the minute and I'm sorry it's all gone tits up.

The hospital have told me to get signed off by GP next week because they refuse to do a D&C or a medically managed miscarriage until I have had another scan next Thursday and apparently there is a very high risk that I will start to spontaneously miscarry before then. They said that it is still a missed miscarriage and that they are 99.9% sure that there is nothing in the sac except a very small dead fetus but they will not help me to miscarry until they are 100% sure its not progressing. Last week they saw nothing at all so the fact that they saw a tiny fetus has made them order another scan even though they assure me it's not viable (makes no sense to me). They've sent me for miscarriage counselling but won't do anything about the physical side. They said that the other sac has continued to grow (it has an eight week old placenta but no baby) and because it is still giving out pregnancy hormones, that is what is stopping me from miscarrying naturally.

James is going to bring in the note from GP on Monday when he goes into town. I'm sorry this is dragging on. I don't want to look like I am taking the piss and once it is all done with (will ask for D&C or tablets which will mean it's all finished by the weekend) I will come straight in. I'll work some lunch hours if you need me to.

Give me a ring if you need to. I just didn't want to get upset down the phone and look like an idiot. I feel really awful about not being in. I will see you soon and I'm sorry this is taking so long.

Does that sound okay? I am really dreading a response.


----------



## krissi

I think that sounds fine hun you are under no obligation to offer up so much info if you have been signed off so i think you are being more than resonable in the circumstances xx


----------



## CurlySue

I honestly didn't want to be signed off. I went to ask for advice since the hospital did tell me to get signed off and the GP took one look at the state of me and told me I could not go into work with the thread of bleeding over my head and when my emotional state was so fragile. 

I meant to go in yesterday. I felt I should. Then I had my little breakdown on wednesday night and realised I just wasn't ready. It's not over. It's not done. It's still waiting to happen and it's just really hard to deal with anything right now.


----------



## Lilly123

I think email sounds good hun.. u need to take time to heal. physically and emotionally... i know FJL also went thru a terrible time... have you got her email?

Take care hun:hugs:

I cant begin to imagine your pain but it will ease with time like all pain does but for now.. you have to heal...:hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Haven't got her email, no. I just want it over with. It doesn't seem fair that it is being dragged on and on and to be perfectly honest it has left me in such a state that I don't want to do this again. Ever. I know that sounds defeatist, but I can't cope with this.


----------



## Lilly123

I will ask her to contact u hun.. she has been thru it and maybe she can offer some words of comfort...i know not much will help now... but talking to somehow else u has been thru this may help..

I actually read that many women who go through a missed miscarriage actually have post natal depression...which i can completely understand... what u r going thru is so terrible.. now i know u cant see thru the darkness but there will be light.... but for now.. just take care of yourself.. you need to get thru this. Big :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

If I have to go with this hospital I will not do it again. Have contacted my PCT to see if I can get funding transferred to a hospital in Manchester who have said they will take on my case if the PCT will transfer the NHS funding. I can only hope they say yes because otherwise I am not doing it again. I am not allowing any place to treat us the way that this hospital have. Once I have been transferred I am going to write the biggest, bitchiest letter there ever was because I don't think they should be allowed to get away with it without being told straight up how utterly shocking they have made us feel. 

Thanks Tanya. Its nice when somebody else has felt like this. Not nice that they felt it, obviously, but it makes me feel less alone.


----------



## Lilly123

CurlySue said:


> If I have to go with this hospital I will not do it again. Have contacted my PCT to see if I can get funding transferred to a hospital in Manchester who have said they will take on my case if the PCT will transfer the NHS funding. I can only hope they say yes because otherwise I am not doing it again. I am not allowing any place to treat us the way that this hospital have. Once I have been transferred I am going to write the biggest, bitchiest letter there ever was because I don't think they should be allowed to get away with it without being told straight up how utterly shocking they have made us feel.
> 
> Thanks Tanya. Its nice when somebody else has felt like this. Not nice that they felt it, obviously, but it makes me feel less alone.

of course honey.... i have messaged FJL and will come back to u

I agree.. they have treated u shockingly.. its a disgrace.. nex time, and there will be a next time, when you move to manchester you call the shots and you must ask for HCG blood tests and early scans....its ridiculous that it got left this long! makes me so angry for u :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

Tanya said:


> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> If I have to go with this hospital I will not do it again. Have contacted my PCT to see if I can get funding transferred to a hospital in Manchester who have said they will take on my case if the PCT will transfer the NHS funding. I can only hope they say yes because otherwise I am not doing it again. I am not allowing any place to treat us the way that this hospital have. Once I have been transferred I am going to write the biggest, bitchiest letter there ever was because I don't think they should be allowed to get away with it without being told straight up how utterly shocking they have made us feel.
> 
> Thanks Tanya. Its nice when somebody else has felt like this. Not nice that they felt it, obviously, but it makes me feel less alone.
> 
> of course honey.... i have messaged FJL and will come back to u
> 
> I agree.. they have treated u shockingly.. its a disgrace.. nex time, and there will be a next time, when you move to manchester you call the shots and you must ask for HCG blood tests and early scans....its ridiculous that it got left this long! makes me so angry for u :hugs:Click to expand...

I just want my choice to matter. I want my emotional health to matter. I want to be treated with some kind of dignity and respect and from the very first instance, when that woman who totally misdiagnosed me laughed in my face when I dared question it, I have felt 'wrong' about all of this. 

We should feel right, shouldn't we?


----------



## toby2

you should feel right and like you are being supported, cared for even. I think it is a really positive step forward that you have enquired about funding transfer-really hope that works out for you.
I think your email was very honest and gives clear reasons why you cant be in work- i hope the response suprises you in a nice way but dont dread it, the dr has told you your are not to go to work because you are not well enough, its not a choice you have made so you really dont have to feel bad or guilty and what ever response you get isnt going to change your ability to go to work, maybe get oh to read it first to see if its worth you reading(((((((()))))))))
I have read a bit about post natel depression with m/c too, at the very least you have been flooded with a stupid amount of hormones that have crashed up and down, thats not something you can control or 'get over'. I think you are being amazing, you are taking care of yourself in a way that your hospital should be
xxx


----------



## Lilly123

CurlySue said:


> Tanya said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> If I have to go with this hospital I will not do it again. Have contacted my PCT to see if I can get funding transferred to a hospital in Manchester who have said they will take on my case if the PCT will transfer the NHS funding. I can only hope they say yes because otherwise I am not doing it again. I am not allowing any place to treat us the way that this hospital have. Once I have been transferred I am going to write the biggest, bitchiest letter there ever was because I don't think they should be allowed to get away with it without being told straight up how utterly shocking they have made us feel.
> 
> Thanks Tanya. Its nice when somebody else has felt like this. Not nice that they felt it, obviously, but it makes me feel less alone.
> 
> of course honey.... i have messaged FJL and will come back to u
> 
> I agree.. they have treated u shockingly.. its a disgrace.. nex time, and there will be a next time, when you move to manchester you call the shots and you must ask for HCG blood tests and early scans....its ridiculous that it got left this long! makes me so angry for u :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> I just want my choice to matter. I want my emotional health to matter. I want to be treated with some kind of dignity and respect and from the very first instance, when that woman who totally misdiagnosed me laughed in my face when I dared question it, I have felt 'wrong' about all of this.
> 
> We should feel right, shouldn't we?Click to expand...



of course you should feel right... and they have treated you so appallingly.. unbelievable...


----------



## maz

Hi CS

Your email sounds fine hun. You shouldn't need to feel anxious about the reply, as you offered more information than you had to.

I really hope that FJL gets in touch with you. She has been through what you're going through so is probably the best person to help you. I hope that this hell is over with very soon.

:hug:


----------



## CurlySue

In what is their first show of human niceness (after a muck up by themselves) the hospital called today. They first asked why I had not attended my scan yesterday only to realise they had booked it for the wrong date (would that mean I would have turned up next week for no scan?) and then telephoned me back to have a little chat with me. 

"I did your first scan," the woman said. "I remember you were very upset and wanted things over with as soon as possible so I can only imagine how hard it is to be left a further week." Yes, I said. It is awful. 

She said that to prevent any further delay she has booked a D&C for the day after the scan. "Otherwise, you would have had your scan and then had to wait another week for the procedure because nobody provisionally booked one for you at your last scan." 

It was nice of her. Was nice of her to think of that. She said obviously, if there is anything in that scan that means that they have to wait further then that could be a good thing. She didn't seem hopeful, as she shouldn't be since there is no hope, but as she said it's better to have something you do not need than to NOT have something that you really do require.


----------



## babymaybe

It's about time they showed you some human kindness CS. Bless those nurses that are hardworking and caring.


----------



## CurlySue

J keeps talking about the woman from the other day. How hard she was. How cold. How the only thing she didn't do is go out into the reception area, pick up a newborn child and say "This is what you're NOT having, so get used to it."

That is how she was. I sometimes feel I am too sensitive but J is not so it can't be my sensitivity. 

I wondered why she had not provisionally booked something since she knew it was what I wanted. She even acknowledged to this nurse today when she spoke to her that she could've provisionally booked it, seeing how desperate we were for a resolution. 

I'm just glad someone was kind enough to think ahead.


----------



## toby2

thats good to hear, am glad she did that for you-think most nurses are great but it does seem that some are hardened to their job-i actually had a student watching one of my scans when they knew baby had died, i looked down and the women had actually given her the probe and was giving her directions ffs, i know they need to practise but you would think there was a time and a place-nothing people say about their treatment at hospitals suprises me, upsets me but doesnt suprise me


----------



## Vickie

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your losses


----------



## CareBear

I'm glad someone is doing something at last. I'm so sorry you're going through this, your email to work was fine, don't worry about that you need to get better in yourself first before worrying about work.


----------



## CurlySue

CareBear said:


> I'm glad someone is doing something at last. I'm so sorry you're going through this, your email to work was fine, don't worry about that you need to get better in yourself first before worrying about work.

I know you are right.

But look at RAFA. Bless. Pepe Reina is currently asleep on my feet...not the real one, no. But for a bald man I wouldn't say no...


----------



## CareBear

Thank you! and Lol at Pepe Reina!


----------



## Farie

Hey honey :flower:

I am so pleased someone has finally treated you like a human being, offering a little support and thoughfulness, you deserve it, and it is good. Although perhaps rather too little, to late.

Biggest hugs, thinking of you

Ps your email to work was fine :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

It was nice for someone to actually think of the emotional side of things rather than just focusing on what they have to do as part of their job description. 

I just wish something would happen, now. I wish I would spot. Cramp severely. I wish I would show *some* sign that my body has accepted that there is nothing to hold on to. 

Never wished for the witch to show up before but at least it would mean closure, no?


----------



## toby2

It would mean closure, i think an end to the physical part gives you time to process the emotional and mental part.
(((((()))))))


----------



## Farie

I think your right, it would give closure, a physical support of the emotional and mental knowledge you have. 
A point to go forward from, if that makes any sense?

:hugs:


----------



## Mrs G

Just wanted to stop by with :hig: I am glad things are starting to sort out but I cannot believe how insenstively they have acted and how much additional pain you have been put through. 

Kath xx


----------



## toby2

morning my lovely, thinking of you
((((((())))))))


----------



## CurlySue

Morning all. Still feeling sick, still feeling crappy. Seriously, if I didn't know what had happened I might be happy that FINALLY the symptoms had arrived.


----------



## toby2

Oh darling what a pile of shite, cant think of anything you can take to help either?
biggest of all hugs and i hope everyone is looking after you well
xx


----------



## Nicnac

Hey hon,

Sorry you're feeling crappy :hugs:

Glad to hear that someone at that bloomin hospital is finally treating you like a human being. I just gobsmacked that they continuously make stupid mistakes, the level of care is chronic. I really hope they can transfer you to Manchester.

I hope this week goes ok and things can start, to help you heal.:hugs:

Big Big :hug:


----------



## CurlySue

I hope so too. Have to wait until the PCT get back to me. I have made initial queries with them but so far nothing, yet. 

Just can't believe I started getting nauseous AFTER the babies had died. Where is the logic and fairness in that? Sod's law, is what it is. Sod's law.


----------



## Nicnac

CurlySue said:


> I hope so too. Have to wait until the PCT get back to me. I have made initial queries with them but so far nothing, yet.
> 
> Just can't believe I started getting nauseous AFTER the babies had died. Where is the logic and fairness in that? Sod's law, is what it is. Sod's law.

There is no logic to it, and definitely no fairness in this, in any of this. It can be amazingly painful to look around and see the total injustice in this world, and especially the TTC world. I can't imagine how you must feel, hon. Just wish I could do something. I'll keep putting my £'s on the lotto and we'll get you sorted, then send some :grr: round to that hospital.

:hug:


----------



## CurlySue

I'm being such a fecking saddo, Nicnac. I'm reliving my youth by watching bloody Boyzone videos because its the only thing that is making me happy, taking myself back to a time when nothing mattered any more.


----------



## toby2

hope boyzone did the trick, even if only temporarily!
lots of love


----------



## CurlySue

Heh, well, not really, but they did make me cringe. Watched a film called Role Models. Easywatching and ridiculous, but it did make me laugh at times. 

Woke up this morning feeling sick and with cramps. Wonder if this is the start of anything...

Sad that if all was working out I would be 9 weeks today :(


----------



## Farie

:hug:

Role models made me laugh, total gaff but funny!


----------



## CurlySue

Some of the innuendos were hilarious. Poor Stiffler though. He's never going to move away from those parts is he?


----------



## Pippin

CurlySue said:


> Heh, well, not really, but they did make me cringe. Watched a film called Role Models. Easywatching and ridiculous, but it did make me laugh at times.
> 
> Woke up this morning feeling sick and with cramps. Wonder if this is the start of anything...
> 
> Sad that if all was working out I would be 9 weeks today :(

Hey hon :hugs: cruel how time seems to fly when we just want things to be different and it goes so slowly when we have hope. Do I detect a little hope from the second statement though? I hope having the time off is letting you sort your head out a little bit. Try and plan some nice things to look forward to like a weekend away or a nice dinner out somewhere. Used to help me with all the disappointment as shallow as it seems. xxx


----------



## CurlySue

Pippin said:


> CurlySue said:
> 
> 
> Heh, well, not really, but they did make me cringe. Watched a film called Role Models. Easywatching and ridiculous, but it did make me laugh at times.
> 
> Woke up this morning feeling sick and with cramps. Wonder if this is the start of anything...
> 
> Sad that if all was working out I would be 9 weeks today :(
> 
> Hey hon :hugs: cruel how time seems to fly when we just want things to be different and it goes so slowly when we have hope. Do I detect a little hope from the second statement though? I hope having the time off is letting you sort your head out a little bit. Try and plan some nice things to look forward to like a weekend away or a nice dinner out somewhere. Used to help me with all the disappointment as shallow as it seems. xxxClick to expand...

Ah no, love, I meant 'the start of a miscarriage'. I have no hope. 99.99% certainty of non-viability is pretty conclusive to me. I just want it to be over now to be honest. I think that they've been ridiculous in dragging this out with such bad odds and I know that makes me sound terribly defeatist but I hate doing this to myself. I'd LOVE to think there was some hope but there simply isn't. It's just cruel that it's had to go on this long with no hope. 

Just looking forward to my holiday now. I am going to offer all this negativity and all of these dead things and thoughts to Anubis. He's meant to like that.


----------



## Pippin

Ahhh I see, miss read sorry. I hope it does happen naturally for you this week. Totally understand you wanting it to be over. I'm just like you, I like closure, I like to move on quickly. I hate any kind of hanging on in limbo land.

I admit I had to look up Anubis but yes that is a good idea. I'll happily deliver it all to him for you........

Holiday sounds like a very good thing I hope its the tonic you need to forget all this for a while :hugs:


----------



## CurlySue

One of the day trips we are going on says this: - 

West Bank visit
The West Bank of Luxor is known as the city of dead. It is the funerary complex of the ancient Egyptians. Here you have the opportunity to let go of anything that has died and no longer serves you using the power of the god Anubis, jackal headed god of the underworld. Explore the cycles of birth, death and rebirth which are rooted in Ancient Egyptian mythology.

Sounds good to me.


----------



## Pippin

CurlySue said:


> One of the day trips we are going on says this: -
> 
> West Bank visit
> The West Bank of Luxor is known as the city of dead. It is the funerary complex of the ancient Egyptians. Here you have the opportunity to let go of anything that has died and no longer serves you using the power of the god Anubis, jackal headed god of the underworld. Explore the cycles of birth, death and rebirth which are rooted in Ancient Egyptian mythology.
> 
> Sounds good to me.

:thumbup: sounds good to me too.


----------



## toby2

When are you on your hols? 
you sound a tiny bit more at peace today which is nice to hear-films and music always good to help you through
xx


----------



## Farie

CurlySue said:


> Some of the innuendos were hilarious. Poor Stiffler though. He's never going to move away from those parts is he?

Nope, forever typecast! :haha::haha::haha::haha:
Poor bloke!


----------



## toby2

hey lovely lady, thinking of you for tomorrow-really hope you get the nice lady who is able to put you first, just cant think of anything I can say that is going to make tomorrow any easier but with your d/c pre booked I really hope you get the physical closure you need and deserve
lots and lots of love
xx


----------



## Brambletess

Will also be thinking of you and your OH tomorrow x, big hug and hope you sleep ok tonight.


----------



## toby2

thinking of you(((((()))))))))
x


----------



## Nicnac

Hey hon

Hope you're ok, thinking of you.

Anubis sounds a good idea.

As for Boyzone....my guilty pleasure was NKOTB (New Kids on The Block)...showing my age, but Joey, hmmmmm.

Not long till hols


Big :hug:


----------



## CurlySue

I was a Jordan fan. I was like seven or eight though so you have to forgive that, Nicnac.

Thanks for the well wishes, girlies. I am in such intense agony right now that I don't even know if I'm going to be able to bite back before I tell them what I think of them. 

Don't know if I can go through another day of this pain. It really is unbelievable...


----------



## tansey

Just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you.
I was in really bad pain before I knew I had an empty sac and once they knew that I had to stay in hospital so they could manage the pain - they gave me morphine! I hope you get sorted asap :hugs:


----------



## hopeful4baby

Dear Curly Sue!!

I just want to say how deeply sorry I am to find out your sad news after returning from my holidays.
:hugs:

And I want to join this huge support group you have here to wish you'll get through everything the least painful as it possible! 

And here is to hope that one day it will work out!


----------



## CurlySue

Thanks love. Hope you had a nice holiday and that things are fresh and lovely, now.

I just want the pain to go, now. Want it to end. It's been 16 days since I found out that babies were gone and that's a long time to carry something with you. My body wants them gone. It's telling me that. For three or four days, now, it's been trying its best but nothing is happening. My hope is that they at least give me something to make this last day easier before they finally do something to end all of this. 

One day it might work out. You never do know. But, I don't know if this experience means that it will have to 'work out' on a different path. 

Only time will tell, I guess.

I would've been 12 weeks exactly on my second wedding anniversary. That's a real kick in the teeth :(

Oh and Toby, sorry, forgot to reply. Hols is 10th September.


----------



## Nicnac

CurlySue said:


> Oh and Toby, sorry, forgot to reply. Hols is 10th September.

I'm off on the 12th, can't wait.

Where are you off to?

:hug:


----------



## Pippin

Hey CS, hope they gave you something to take the pain away today and gave you confirmation regarding tomorrow. Was thinking of you today. x


----------



## CurlySue

Confirmation that there was nothing there last week, really, that they may have seen this abnormal shape as a fetal pole so it most likely WAS two blighted ovum. There is no certainty about that but the only thing that is certain is that there is nothing in either.

Another thing they confirmed is that I have no embryos frozen. 11 fertilised (they told me 10) and out of all of them they were all bad quality. 

The two they put back, since both fucked up, seem like they were bad quality, too.

Who can have that many poor quality embryos without having messed up eggs?

D&C getting done tomorrow morning at some time. And they gave me some codeine as well, which helps. 

Back to square one then, eh?


----------



## tansey

So sorry hun. I hope after tomorrow you can start to heal. :hugs:


----------



## Pippin

Awww what a complete mickey mouse hospital! How can they be this crap!!! So sorry hon. :hugs: Glad you're finally getting things sorted tomorrow, maybe you can take this right to the top after and get some compensation or something, at least make enough fuss to be transfered to a different hospital for the next go.

Not sure about your egg quality hon, I'm no expert, but I have heard of bad rounds of IVF and then good ones. My SIL had two bad rounds and a good round when she fell pregnant with my nephew. I've also seen a few stories on here where one round produces very few eggs and the next round getting a much better and successful crop (is that the right word sorry???) So hopefully this will happen to you too in the next go.

Hope it goes well tomorrow and gives you the closure and pain relief that you need. Will be thinking of you. x


----------



## Lilly123

will be thinking of u tomorrow hun

xxxx:hugs:


----------



## maz

:hug:

Thinking of you hun. Hopefully, once tomorrow is over, you will be able start dealing with your grief for this horrible situation. I hope the codeine works and takes away some of the physical pain.

Good luck tomorrow - if that's the right term to use (?) - but I'm sure you know where i'm coming from ...

:hugs:


----------



## toby2

(((((((((()))))))))glad that you have some decent pain relief and that you have your d/c booked for tomorrow-hang in there lovely lady
xxx


----------



## Brambletess

I am really hoping tomorrow is as quick and as painless as possible. You so need this to end, its a nasty horrible experience at the best of times let alone the aganising wait you have had and insensitive treatment. Quite worrying all the conflicting information you have had, deffo grounds for changing hospitals and a formal complaint.A new hospital will hopefully guide you in regards to egg quality and i think a FS needs to clarify if you have pcos or not. Hope the pain is gone after tomorrow, will be thinking of you.


----------



## toby2

hope you are home soon 
(((()))))))


----------



## brumbar

hope all was well today..... and so sorry for your loss......


----------



## CurlySue

Home now. In bed. In stupid pain. Bleeding rather horribly as well, will have to keep an eye on that since I seemed to gush all over the bed when I got up (ugh tmi).

Just feel like crying really. Sorry to be a moaner. Really am. It just wasn't a nice experience. I woke up in tremendous pain. Went back to the little day ward and there was only two of us there. After about an hour of ridiculous, throbbing, pulsating, uncontrollable pain (with no call button, might I add) a nurse asked "Are you in pain?" "A lot," I replied. "Oh, I'll go and get you something. We can give you something good for the pain." 

An HOUR AND A HALF LATER...she brings me a paracetamol. I actually want to cry, thinking about the whole last few months. Its like it's broken me in a way. 

Now, again, I don't mean to moan...but, fuck me, I find that horrendous. A bit like the nurse telling me she will give me a discharge leaflet with important information on it in relation to what to look out for, bleeding and symptoms and the like - then told me she had none left so said "just phone if you have any concerns. Someone'll answer." 

Really wanted for this to be a nice send off to this hospital, a nice goodbye. Perhaps something to make up for all that's gone before. 

It wasn't, really. 

Ah, well. It might be all hospitals that are like that. They might all be that slow. They might all be that incessantly awful. But, I certainly feel like I've had a rough ride and it doesn't feel right at all :(


----------



## maz

That hospital of yours seems as though it's run by a bunch of amateurs that don't know their arse from their elbow. Thank goodness you don't have to have any more dealings with them. I hope you're not in too much pain hun, and you can start to deal with your losses.

:hugs:


----------



## toby2

oh my lovely -you are not moaning, what a horrible day made harder, all hospitals are not like that, that one has out done itself at every turn.
Am glad you are home and safe, if you are hurting or even if not ring your out of hours drs and get some stronger painkillers, you really shouldnt have to suffer. Hope your bleeding settles down soon-from what i remember the things you need to look out for are an infection so temp, funny smell, feeling ill or excessive bleeding so if you still having gushes or anything else comes out by tomorrow ring for reassurance, to be honest it sounds like you are probably better speaking to your gp than that lot. Oh yes and dont drive or do anything strenuous for 24hrs after G.A.- you will prob find you need a good few days to feel physically any better but if you dont feel right ring your gp, you know your body well
lots of love
xx


----------



## CurlySue

Thanks for telling me all that, Toby. Isn't it just shocking that they discharged without giving ANY of that information? I was just too dazed to ask. Couldn't find words. 

I feel weepy and sad. I feel like a little girl again. The whole experience from start to finish was just so awful that I want to cry for it all. I keep looking back at myself in Barcelona. It was the second day I had been taking Buserelin. I was so full of hope. I was picking up those tiny little Barca socks saying "I will buy these soon." That was my holiday to begin it all. My little 'break' at the start of it all. 

We went away to prepare ourselves. So full of hope, we were. I can picture myself smiling. 

When I look at that person it's not me. 

That's not me any more. 

How dramatic do I sound, now, when I say that I want to cry for that poor, 'innocent', hopeful person that I was?


----------



## toby2

If i am honest, I have cried over what has happened for you and i have never even met you so I dont think what you say sounds dramatic at all. For me, losing my babies changed bits of me and I dont think they will change back- I suppose when i am feeling ok i can see that is what life does to us but sometimes its just really horrible to feel that way- I supposed the truth is once you know something you know it and no amount of closeure can change that but you can get your hope back and your happiness, it just takes time to build it back, the early days are the hardest and this has been dragged out for you longer than was kind or fair but you are still you even if you dont feel like it-you are an amazingly strong person and you will get out the otherside of this even if you cant see it now, sometimes it takes a long time and soetimes you need things to help you get there but at some point you will wake up and not feel like you do today- the waiting is hard but in lots of ways i think you have got yourself through the toughest times
everytime i say anything i worry about saying the wrong thing because i havent walked in your shoes but saying nothing was the worse thing anyone could do for me
lots of love
xx


----------



## CurlySue

I don't want to feel this broken by everything; this damaged by the whole experience. I want to think "That's one try out of the way, lets have another!" I would give anything to have that smile and that hope back. 

I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past two months and it's making me so, so sad. I keep looking at pictures on the wall, wedding pictures, almost two years to the day. I look so happy. My OH, he looks so happy, too. I knew of trying, back then, but I didn't know of hopelessness. 

I don't want to be this changed person.


----------



## MrsJD

Do you know what? Nothing ceases to amaze me about that hospital. They sound utter shite and I&#8217;ll be having doubts about going to their trials. 

You will get through this, it might not seem like it just now especially after that horrendous experience. 

:hugs:

XXX


----------



## BizyBee

I agree. Your hospital seems horrid and what they've put you through is awful. We know this is difficult for you and we're hear to listen.


----------



## CurlySue

MrsJD said:


> Do you know what? Nothing ceases to amaze me about that hospital. They sound utter shite and Ill be having doubts about going to their trials.
> 
> You will get through this, it might not seem like it just now especially after that horrendous experience.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> XXX

All scans are delayed at this wonderful hospital, apparently, so that women due their 20 week scan (which checks for abnormalities, no?) are having to wait until they are 23 weeks, which gives them ONE WEEK to make a decision on a termination if any problems are established. 

Brilliant, eh?

To say I have been rendered faithless is an understatement.


----------



## JASMAK

CurlySue said:


> Thanks for telling me all that, Toby. Isn't it just shocking that they discharged without giving ANY of that information? I was just too dazed to ask. Couldn't find words.
> 
> I feel weepy and sad. I feel like a little girl again. The whole experience from start to finish was just so awful that I want to cry for it all. I keep looking back at myself in Barcelona. It was the second day I had been taking Buserelin. I was so full of hope. I was picking up those tiny little Barca socks saying "I will buy these soon." That was my holiday to begin it all. My little 'break' at the start of it all.
> 
> We went away to prepare ourselves. So full of hope, we were. I can picture myself smiling.
> 
> When I look at that person it's not me.
> 
> That's not me any more.
> 
> How dramatic do I sound, now, when I say that I want to cry for that poor, 'innocent', hopeful person that I was?

:hug: I know this has/is really hard for you. It is OK to feel this way and to want to cry. Just let yourself. It will be like a release of sorts. This is never easy for anyone, but you have it double whammy because you tried so hard for this too. You are not just grieving the lost pregnancy, but also the hard work you put into becoming pregnant. Also, you just had a sudden loss of pregnancy hormones. Ever heard of the "baby blues"? This is it hon. I got it will all my m/c.

When I had my D&C I bled pretty bad for the first day, but after that it was better. Any temperature, extreme pain, smelly DC...and the like. Mostly look for feeling unwell and fever.


----------



## CurlySue

It's not a pleasant experience, that is true Jasmak, but the alternative was much worse. Apparently the larger sac measured 36mm. It was still growing. 

People said expect the 'baby blues' - seems harsh when there is no baby, but then all of this seems harsh when there is no baby. The physical pain is pretty bad at the minute. I'm concentrating on that before I start to deal with the mental pain. Trying to, anyway. Trying to find a comfortable position to lie in tonight because I have been up since 3.30am (Codeine only did so much) and the sleep would probably be a good thing. 

Maybe one day it will stop feeling so unfair. We were supposed to be going to a barbecue next weekend but since our friends are going for their 12 week scan next week (their baby would've been due a little before ours) I don't think I can face it. 

I only hope they understand :(


----------



## toby2

((((((((()))))))))I am sure they will understand
I think what has happened to you is really unfair so its only natural you feel that way, i think that the pain you feel with that becomes less acute and settles down to a point where life can carry on and please believe me when i say your hope and happiness will creep back in, they really will.
How are you physically? if you still need codiene today please give your out of hours gp a ring for a chat-it may not be their idea to keep an eye on you but just force them to, its your body and your too important to get caught up in their crappness
lots of love and keep talking
xxxx


----------



## Lilly123

your hospital sounds horrid hun.. i am so so sorry u had to go thru this terrible experience.. i have tears in my eyes reading your post...

i hope the pain subsides soon hun.. both physically and mentally so u can move on..

big :hugs:


----------



## Pippin

Not much I can say but wanted to give you :hug: Hope you feel better soon physically and mentally :hugs:


----------



## Poshie

Hey. How are you feeling. Your physical pain experience reminds me of mine. When I went to A&E because I couldn't handle the pain, they also gave me codeine which really helped. Although by the time that happened, I'd already been through the worst of the pain. We were travelling back in the car after a weekend away and I was in agony, writhing around in the passenger seat. No position was comfortable. DH took me to A&E when I couldn't speak. Spent about an hour there and passed the sac. Pain stopped. 

Thinking of you :hugs:


----------



## toby2

lots of love lady, hope things are starting to settle down a bit for you physically?
thinking of you
xxx


----------



## ramblinhaggis

Take care curlysue, i hope the pain and bleeding stops for you very soon xxx


----------



## Farie

:hug:


----------



## CurlySue

Bleeding got better, thanks. Brain didn't get so much better. OH seems to think that I should be 'over' things straight away. After he picked me up following D&C he barely spoke to me all night. The only times he did speak to me he was in an utterly bad mood, which wasn't particularly fun, said he wasn't in a bad mood with me and that he was just simply in a bad mood. I stayed upstairs, he stayed downstairs. He didn't even come up to see me. Not at all. Not to ask "Are you okay?" or "Do you need a hug?"

No and Yes?

Yesterday we went to the match. I had been looking forward to it, actually, but I was looking forward to being almost ten weeks pregnant when I went. I wasn't. I was one day post D&C which is a kind of raw and painful time at the best of times. He told us that we were getting dropped off at Anfield and then getting picked up. We weren't. We got a taxi there, yes, but have you ever tried getting a taxi after a match has let out? Well, it's nigh on impossible. So without even thinking, he said "Oh, we'll just walk."

I thought "Lets see how far I can walk without wanting to die, eh?"

I didn't get far. So we ended up waiting at a bus stop for hours. And he seemed in a bad mood then, too, as if I had ruined everything by simply not wishing to walk the four miles home the day after having a D&C. 

THEN, he decided that we were going to go to his auntie's barbecue straight after. He decided this without even asking a) if I wanted to or b) I felt up to it. To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel ready for sitting around all night whilst his whole family get drunk but I don't particularly seem to matter any more, these days, so I went along with it because I simply cannot be bothered arguing. 

It's like normal life has resumed, which is what I wanted, yes, but something HAS changed, and it'd be nice if I were allowed to come to terms with that in my own time without OH expecting me to run a marathon immediately after. I had his mother asking me if I wanted a double JD and Coke, highlighting the fact that I could drink, now, if I wanted to. The fact that i wouldn't drink a double JD and Coke before all of this makes me wonder why I all of a sudden would now. Did THAT part of me change, too?

I don't know. It's back to work tomorrow, life resumes, it all moves on as if nothing ever happened and it just doesn't feel all that right.


----------



## Lilly123

oh honey.. I am so sorry.. I suppose DH does not understand or does not want to understand.. men deal with grief differently.. but he is being far to harsh on u.... he needs a talking to.. u need to tell him how u feel...

I am so sorry hun about this.. I wish i could make the pain go away for u

Thinking of u again.. big hugs:hugs:


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## toby2

I believe people want you to 'move on' in these situations because they care and they just want you to be alright, however the unfortunate part is that is what you'want' too but wanting it doesnt make it happen. It can be very hard and very hurtful when those closest to you seem to have no understanding at all of how you are feeling, I know its hard but for now just try and concentrate on you. You have a small bit of physical closure but you have also had an operation and sometimes its worth reminding people of that, you need time and space to physically recover so you dont get ill, as for the brain part, well like we have talked about thats slower to happen and it is such early days for you. Its a horrible feeling when the world around you carries on regardless and you just want it to stop so you can catch up with yourself, there is lots of love and understanding for you here which i really hope can be of some comfort to you, all be it a little one
big hugs
xxxxx


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## hayley352

im so sorry to hear what u have been through, it sounds like ur hubby doesnt understand how u r feeling, either that or he is trying to block it out, men just dont talk about their feelings, well mine doesnt anyway.

i cant believe the hospital offered u paracetomol, that would touch a headache let alone the pain you was in.

i know its not what u want to hear right now, but time is great healer and u will get that family that u so much deserve. their are no words that can comfort you right now, if i was there i would give u a big hug.

stay strong xxxxx


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## Brambletess

Hiya

Firstly, just wanted to again express my sorrow for what has happened, its never easy and it takes time. You should not be expected to be back to normal straight after a D&C and do not feel like you should be. 

Re: Dh, mine got back to normal very quickly and infact only felt dissapointment at that time. You have to realise its not the same for them and they deal with it in very different ways. If he is feeling fine, it may be hard for him to understand why you can't move on now and that is frustrating him. If you are still upset it drags him back to a place he no longer wants to be. He could also be directing his anger over what has happened at you. Its cruel but this happens and is part of his own grieving process. The best thing to do is to talk about this and try and get him to open up about he feels, so you can understand. You both lost all the dreams and hope you had and have to deal with the aftermath of this. This acute stage does pass, but I know for me, I still wanted to talk about it for a quite a while afterwards and my OH and mother had lost interest to some extent. It is a lonely difficult time but there are lots of women on hear that really care and have been through the same thing so you are not alone. 

For me the fact OH moved on so quickly was bewildering and difficult, but don't try and do so yourself when you clearly need time. It takes as long as it takes. Thinking of you xx


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## CurlySue

Jesus Christ, there was just a total moment of De Ja Vu as well from when I was on holiday during my wedding. 

Whilst we were there, this Spanish footballer named Antonio Puerta died of a heart attack, leaving behind a pregnant girlfriend.

Yesterday another Spanish footballer named Dani Jarque died of a heart attack whilst ON THE PHONE to his pregnant girlfriend.

Almost two years to the day, exactly. 

I don't know why this makes me so sad. It's my favoured sport, my little life's distraction, so when I hear about these unborn children losing their fathers it's just shocking. 

I understand what you are saying, Bramble and Toby, also Hayley. It's just that even if I am emotionally raw does he really expect me to be able to walk four miles the day after a D&C? That, to me, was more than thoughtlessness. It was like he simply did not care. When I said it to him he said "I forgot."

How the fuck could he forget?

I suppose I am just really angry with his carelessness. It might be his way of dealing with things but he shouldn't expect me to be the same, really :(


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## toby2

I suppose he forgot because like brambletess said, he wants to-it is shit, i can remember ny oh comming home from work a day or so after my d/c and crapping onto me for about half an hour about stuff that had happened at work that had bugged, i really didnt know what he expected me to say about it when all i could think about was what had happened to me. Completly understand your anger, just try and remember that by the sounds of things his reaction is fairly standard-hurtful but unintentionally so.
Tkae care of yourself today and go easy at work tomorrow
xxx


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## Nathyrra

Glad that you finally got your D&C. I hope the physical pain is easing up a little for you. You've been very brave.. :hugs:

As for your husband. It seems a bit reckless to me. Sure, men are programmed differently to us and we strive to understand them and their feelings, but it should work both ways. He should strive to understand yours too. Afterall you are carrying the physical scars too. Forcing you to do so much so soon isn't really fair on you. Perhaps you could both sit down and talk about your feelings. Once. Agree that you both think differently but that he shouldn't expect you to be 'fine' again so soon as much as you don't expect him to feel exactly as you do right now.

I'm sorry this nightmare never seems to end for you.. :hugs:


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## Farie

Just stopping by to offer hugs, I don't think there is any new or different advice that I can offer regarding your DH.
Men are different, they think differently, they deal with things differently and they sometimes forget we are not like them, they forget we need something different from them.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## toby2

hope work wasnt too horrible if you went back today?take it easy when you get home
lots of love
(((((((((()))))))))


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## toby2

bought you a :flower: and a nice cuppa :coffee:


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## CurlySue

Thanks love. Needed that.


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## toby2

:wine: and :cake: today-keep going lovely lady,its not long till the weekend again, did you go back to work? hope you going ok and getting a bit more support from oh-thinking of you
lots of love
xx


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## toby2

:flower::flower::flower::flower::flower::flower::flower::flower:
:hugs:


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## CurlySue

Bless you, Toby, you are good with your cheerleaders, you are. Just not really feeling the 'babyness' of late and so have totally switched off. Wander back on occasion but I suppose I need to just move on, now. For the time being, I just have to pretend that there was never a positive test, there was never a possible child, that this here thread is kind of...well, representative of a lie. 

It's the only way I can cope with it.

Being back at work is just...killer!


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## toby2

Understand that-can be hard to do anything that was connected with before, work must be very tough, one more day and its the weekend is all i can say about that.
Can post in your journal or something if that is better, just want you to know I am thinking of you because I am and because I know all of this doesnt disappear over night and having people recognise that counts, at least it did for me
lots of love
xx


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## toby2

ps i do realise i am prob also a part of things you dont want to think about that but maybe we can ignore that for the time being too
xxx


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## Nicnac

Hey hon

Popping by with some :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: and some :kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss: and some :flower::flower::flower::flower:

Hope you feeling ok today and work isn't too much of a drag. At least it's Friday!!!

Soccer AM starts tomorrow with lots of lovely football all over the tellybox!!!

Big:hug:


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## CurlySue

Bless you again, Toby. You can still talk here. Am just not likely to be very responsive to positive thought since I have none at the moment. Never believed I'd have a child, repeatedly proving myself right. 

Soccer AM DOES start, Nicnac. La Liga starts soon as well so I can continue gushing over my perfect little Icon Boy (AI = artificial intelligence? The boy seems to be on another plane, sometimes and I love him so immensely it's ridiculous - isn't even on my team...) 

Did you see we signed the gozziest thing there is, though? He is adorable, though. There are pictures of him on our official website and he just looks so wonderfully hungover. Its unfortunate there is less than 2cm between his eyes, really. 

Work was utter shit. The one good thing is that my boss decided to pay me for my time off, the whole 12 days. He doesn't pay for sick days usually but signed it off as compassionate leave. Means I won't be skint.


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## Nicnac

Hey hon,

Good on your boss for giving you a break over your pay. There are some jobsworth w**nkers out there that wouldn't. I know it's no comfort, but it's not another kick.

I saw the signing, Aquilani? He does have that mediteranean swagger about him, doesn't he? I see what you mean about the eyes, just a touch too close! 

So is it an easy 3 on Sunday with Spurs? I always think first game of the seaon can go either way. Not just with you guys, anyone really, but you know, sometimes nerves, big games, too gooder summer!! 

We've got Wigan at home and part of me just doesn't want to call it. You do hope that we as Villa would walk'ish this one, but it's the edge of the unknown/unpreditcable with them, and it goes the other way.

Hopefully the mid week action a few of them got was a good warm-up. Did you watch the England match? It was a strange thing, but I didn't think we'd lose, because how many times have we always come back in the 2nd half to win or draw. Why can't they get it right in the first?

Sorry, hope I haven't hijacked your journal with football! Just a bit excited it all starts again. Kind of missed Adrian Chiles on a Sunday evening! That just makes me weird, non?:rofl:

Hope you have a good weekend


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## toby2

no positive thougth provocing i promise just a whole lota lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!:hugs:
all though am slightly outta my depth with the football talk but all sounding good if thats your thing!
glad your boss is paying you
xx


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## CurlySue

Nicnac said:


> Hey hon,
> 
> Good on your boss for giving you a break over your pay. There are some jobsworth w**nkers out there that wouldn't. I know it's no comfort, but it's not another kick.
> 
> I saw the signing, Aquilani? He does have that mediteranean swagger about him, doesn't he? I see what you mean about the eyes, just a touch too close!
> 
> So is it an easy 3 on Sunday with Spurs? I always think first game of the seaon can go either way. Not just with you guys, anyone really, but you know, sometimes nerves, big games, too gooder summer!!
> 
> We've got Wigan at home and part of me just doesn't want to call it. You do hope that we as Villa would walk'ish this one, but it's the edge of the unknown/unpreditcable with them, and it goes the other way.
> 
> Hopefully the mid week action a few of them got was a good warm-up. Did you watch the England match? It was a strange thing, but I didn't think we'd lose, because how many times have we always come back in the 2nd half to win or draw. Why can't they get it right in the first?
> 
> Sorry, hope I haven't hijacked your journal with football! Just a bit excited it all starts again. Kind of missed Adrian Chiles on a Sunday evening! That just makes me weird, non?:rofl:
> 
> Hope you have a good weekend

I suppose you are right. No kick!!!

Yeah that's the one. Boss eyed boy. He's pretty cute on this here picture though: - 

https://cache1.asset-cache.net/xc/89757043.jpg?v=1&c=NewsMaker&k=2&d=77BFBA49EF878921CC759DF4EBAC47D0703012A447EAB833C23A046C49EAACD8EA0907831ED831D8

I think it's because you can't see the eyes. Supposedly alright though, despite being made of glass (as if we don't have enough glass boys already!) So yeah, looking forward to that (and hopefully getting number 19 this year) and looking for Return of the Pep Guardiola and his Beautiful Tiny Boys. I am such a fickle bint. I to go Anfield loads, love it, but then I go to Camp Nou ONE time and fall in love with the place. Shame. Think it's because it's a novelty. The atmosphere in Spain is just so much different to here. 

Spurs beat us last season!!!!!!!!!!! Wigan are kind of a middleish side. They're good at Parking the bus, that is one thing. They only park the bus against the top of the table teams though. They actually battle it out with anyone outside the top four. Not sure about their or your injuries, or whether you've signed anyone decent. I hear you want Sjneider (sp)? I want him. 

Have no interest in England. Im a Club before Country girl. I normally want England to get beat to be honest, I have no idea why. I suppose I despise most of the team. And I just never had that 'patriot' bone. It's a common thing in Liverpool. Hardly anyone gives a toss about England. 

Hijack away. It's not really a journal, per se, but I am trying to distance myself from the fact that I happened to get a positive pregnancy test for four weeks in a row...so, might as well paint it Red and Pep coloured. 

Hope you do too!!!


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## CurlySue

toby2 said:


> no positive thougth provocing i promise just a whole lota lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee!:hugs:
> all though am slightly outta my depth with the football talk but all sounding good if thats your thing!
> glad your boss is paying you
> xx

Hee you should adopt my team as your own. Even if you haven't got a clue! Makes the weekend more interesting. 

Hugs is always good. Positive thought, not so much, because it makes me want to kick things. Literally. 

I am glad to be getting paid. Means I can afford holiday clothes now, which is always a good thing <3


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## toby2

lol at kick things-usually the person with the positive thoughts im guessing!
dont think it is long till holiday now is it?
ummmmmm will adopt your team if you tell me who they are and i promise not to ask girly questions whilst you are watching!
xx


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## toby2

:wacko:missed all football action was busy stripping woodchip wall paper from hall walls, think football might have been more interesting!!!
Hope you have had a chnace to rest up my lovely and rally a bit for next week?
lots of love
xx


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## CurlySue

Was shite anyway, Toby. Since we had a) children on the bench and b) two of our players attempted to knock each other out (one ended up with 12 staples in his head, the other with a partially displaced jaw (possibly fractured) and stitches in his chin) it was never going to end well :( Was counting on them overpaid fools to make me feel better and they failed miserably. 

Grr. Arg. 

Weekend went too fast. The only thing which feels better is that it's less time to my holidays. Hope yours was fine. 

If nothing else, I've almost stopped bleeding.


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## toby2

thats good about your bleeding,hope it finishes soon-when are your hols?cant be long, am sure you have said before but i cant remember
have a :coffee: to start your day
thinking of you
xx


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## toby2

:cake::cake::cake::cake: today, its tuesday which means your nearly half way there and just that bit closer to :plane: on your hols!
thinking of you
xx


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## CurlySue

Aw bless you, Toby. Today is tuesday and I just had a nightmare at work. Was so bad yesterday that I had a panic attack and did not even go to bed. Today I am just exhausted. 

Really need that holiday...


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## toby2

not long to go(((((((((()))))))) sure you have had all the advice in the world but drinking a bottle of rescue remedy helps me some days!
are they being ok with you at work?wont ask if they are cutting you any slack as people never do :(
hope you get some rest tonight lady, go dip your self in lavander and warm milk
lots of love
xxx


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## toby2

One more sleep and its the weekend
:winkwink::winkwink::winkwink::winkwink:
hope you are getting through the week my lovely and the last couple of days have been a bit easier than the first or at the very least you have had some sleep
lots of love
xx


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## CurlySue

Things getting so much worse, Toby. Second week back at work and I cannot get anything right. Doesn't help that two days after bleeding from D&C stopped I got AF. 

I feel, after this week, that I might end up getting sacked anyway. My head is not in a good place and I am messing up the simplest of tasks.


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## toby2

((((((()))))))))have you thought about asking your dr to sign you off until you in a better place?you have been through such alot
xxx


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## toby2

:hugs:hope you can forget about work for the weekend and have some rest
xx


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## toby2

Hello my lovely how you doing?:hugs:
I know you said work was a nightmare this week but i really hope you cant forget about it over the weekend so you can rest and have some time to yourself-are you out and about much?sometimes its nice to have the distraction but sometimes its just all a bit much-what ever your doing i hope your ok(as much as can be)
thinking of you
xxx


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## CurlySue

Work was indeed awful and I have been left with a whole lot of responsibility next week which I am not sure I am ready for, but all I can do is try. 

I'm finding it harder and harder to be on this site though, so I have been kind of sporadic in my visits. I don't feel like I fit in a whole lot any more. Just don't know any more. 

Think I am just too tired for all of this. 

The sight of a ticker makes me want to cry. The sight of a positive pregnancy test makes me feel horrible. 

Guess I'm not cut out for this.


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## Blue12

My heart just goes out to you daily Curlysue as I peek into your journal. You have been through so much. I wish I could do something to help.

Im so sorry.


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