# Question mostly for those who don't believe in forced sharing



## SarahBear

What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing? My neighbor does this with her kids and we spend time with them almost every weekend. I love having kids for Violet to have regular interactions with, but I'm not so crazy about some of the parenting strategies used including this one. Additionally, it makes it awkward when Violet doesn't want to share something. I haven't faced that problem too much, but it has happened. For example, she recently didn't want the little boy using her balance bike. She was OK with it once his tricycle came out and she had the opportunity to use it, but it didn't seem like real consent.

Separate issue, but they also have become a little unfriendly to her. They are 2.5 and a few months from 5. Is this just age related, or something else going on? The only thing that made me wonder about age is that I once set up a play date that involved similarly aged children who were also unfriendly to her. We only saw those kids once.


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## seoj

It does get a bit awkward at times- I encourage my LO to "take turns"- but wouldn't want to force her to give up a toy (if it's hers)- obviously a bit different when it's public and she does need to share with other kids... so it's been a bit tricky at times to explain (in the moment)- I mean, she's not fully gonna understand yet. She's only 3. 

My friends (almost all) will make their kids give up a toy for LO if LO cries or wants it... I try not to make a big deal, I mean, that is their choice. But I also don't like doing the same-- so sometimes I just read the situation and do what feels right in that moment. Or I'll say "oh, it's Ok- she's fine, she'll move past it in a minute" or something along those lines. 

Not sure any of that helps. LOL. I think, like all things parent related, we just do our best in every situation and live and learn and grow right along side our kids ;)


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## kissesandhugs

What do you mean by 'unfriendly?' Bc my LO can certainly be a little stinker to other kids although I explain to him he's not being nice etc but I do put it down to his age right now. At almost 5 I think it's a different story. 

As for the sharing, I try to step in if my LO is wanting a toy of someone elses I explain to him that 'xyz' is playing with it right now and when he/she is done then he can have it and try to distract him with something else before 'xyz' parent steps in but I know it's not always easy to do that!


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## seoj

Oh- on the unfriendly thing- I've seen it too. LO will be playing with another child and doing GREAT! Then the next moment- that same kids pushes her away or get's sassy. Not that LO doesn't have her moments- she's never been physical with another kid- but she can certainly tell them how she feels! Again- I just step in when needed... try to diffuse when possible... and do my best to understand when they need to just work it out ;)


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## HKateH

I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:


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## Zephram

HKateH said:


> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:

I have to agree here. 

If my LO is hoarding toys or not letting other kids have a turn with a certain toy, then I remind him that we take turns. If he gets upset about that I'm not sure what the big deal is? Part of life is that you can't have everything you want all the time. I help my LO find something else fun to do whilst the other child has a go with the toy, and I remind him that soon it will be his turn again.


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## w8ing4bean

HKateH said:


> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:

Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?


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## chickenlegs

I sometimes think that you can look too much into things. If your kid has a toy, and another one wants it, you encourage them to finish their turn and them let them have a go, surely? I have never heard of anyone who has been damaged because of this, but then again I have never heard of "forced sharing". Sounds really odd to me.


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## kissesandhugs

Zephram said:


> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> I have to agree here.
> 
> If my LO is hoarding toys or not letting other kids have a turn with a certain toy, then I remind him that we take turns. If he gets upset about that I'm not sure what the big deal is? Part of life is that you can't have everything you want all the time. I help my LO find something else fun to do whilst the other child has a go with the toy, and I remind him that soon it will be his turn again.Click to expand...

I don't do the whole concept 100% and it's not written in blood on my wall that we do NOT share in this house but I instead assess each situation. If my son just started playing with something and is enjoying it,being quiet and being good and another kid wants it instead and says 'Isaiah's not sharing' I explain let him play with it for a little bit longer then we can switch and normally he drops it shortly after. I do the same if my son wants to play with something of someone else's. Now if he's hoarding toys or had one toy and is purposely holding onto it so another kid can't have it I will tell him it's the other kids turn. What I would consider selfish is if my son wanted a toy from 'xyz', got that toy, then wanted another toy 2 mins later from xyz, got it again etc etc. That's being selfish...getting any toy he wanted based on the sharing concept.


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## chickenlegs

kissesandhugs said:


> Zephram said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> I have to agree here.
> 
> If my LO is hoarding toys or not letting other kids have a turn with a certain toy, then I remind him that we take turns. If he gets upset about that I'm not sure what the big deal is? Part of life is that you can't have everything you want all the time. I help my LO find something else fun to do whilst the other child has a go with the toy, and I remind him that soon it will be his turn again.Click to expand...
> 
> I don't do the whole concept 100% and it's not written in blood on my wall that we do NOT share in this house but I instead assess each situation. If my son just started playing with something and is enjoying it,being quiet and being good and another kid wants it instead and says 'Isaiah's not sharing' I explain let him play with it for a little bit longer then we can switch and normally he drops it shortly after. I do the same if my son wants to play with something of someone else's. Now if he's hoarding toys or had one toy and is purposely holding onto it so another kid can't have it I will tell him it's the other kids turn. What I would consider selfish is if my son wanted a toy from 'xyz', got that toy, then wanted another toy 2 mins later from xyz, got it again etc etc. That's being selfish...getting any toy he wanted based on the sharing concept.Click to expand...

But I don't think that this is an example of avoiding "forced sharing". I agree that this is just common sense parenting.


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## alex_22

Yeah i encourage my child to share, like other people have said if he's playing on something and another child wants a turn I'll explain 5 minutes then you need to let so and so have a go, I don't just straight away make him give up that toy because if he was playing with it first then he deserves at least 5 minutes to play with it, I'd hate to think that he was being selfish in nursery I want him to be a lovely pleasant little boy and I think learning how to share plays a huge part in that, i hate seeing how upset he gets when other kids are being greedy with him and I'd just as much hate to think he was the child upsetting others through being greedy x


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## MumToEva

Just out of interest, how do you not do forced sharing if you have more than one child? I do a bit of a mixture depending on the toy in question - for example if it's DD's bunny or DS's toy train, then they are their own personal toys and i don't make them share them unless they want to, but if it's more of a communal toy then I sometimes enforce sharing the toy and I sometimes distract with another toy - given that most of the toys were bought for DD because she is the eldest it hardly seems fair that she gets first dibs on them. I have also duplicated some toys that are constant sources of arguments, like their scuttlebugs. 

Just that I wonder would some of you who only have one child at present feel a little bit different if/when the other child in question is also your child? Not trying to irritate, just something to think about :flower:


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## Zephram

alex_22 said:


> Yeah i encourage my child to share, like other people have said if he's playing on something and another child wants a turn I'll explain 5 minutes then you need to let so and so have a go, I don't just straight away make him give up that toy because if he was playing with it first then he deserves at least 5 minutes to play with it, I'd hate to think that he was being selfish in nursery I want him to be a lovely pleasant little boy and I think learning how to share plays a huge part in that, i hate seeing how upset he gets when other kids are being greedy with him and I'd just as much hate to think he was the child upsetting others through being greedy x

Exactly. It's about having a fair go.


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## alex_22

MumToEva said:


> Just out of interest, how do you not do forced sharing if you have more than one child? I do a bit of a mixture depending on the toy in question - for example if it's DD's bunny or DS's toy train, then they are their own personal toys and i don't make them share them unless they want to, but if it's more of a communal toy then I sometimes enforce sharing the toy and I sometimes distract with another toy - given that most of the toys were bought for DD because she is the eldest it hardly seems fair that she gets first dibs on them. I have also duplicated some toys that are constant sources of arguments, like their scuttlebugs.
> 
> Just that I wonder would some of you who only have one child at present feel a little bit different if/when the other child in question is also your child? Not trying to irritate, just something to think about :flower:

Yeah i agree those special toys I try and explain to the other kids and try and show them everything else they can play with (or sly it over if he's not paying any attention to it) and I also try and get them to play together then they can both enjoy it, im not looking forward to having to be a ring leader when my 4 month old is older lol x


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## kissesandhugs

I never label my parenting so I guess I wouldn't say I do the whole 'avoiding forced sharing' but after reading about it I certainly changed my views and switched up a little bit by not forcing him to share every time like I used to do but apparently I'm just doing what other parents have been doing :haha:


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## AngelUK

Actually I was thinking the same MumToEva. At playgroup my boys are great at sharing and taking turns without me having to prompt them. But Dominic does often take what ever Sebastian is playing with and my making him give it back is a kind of forced sharing too. I do sometimes tell Sebastian that Dominic wants a turn when I judge that Sebastian had a good go at the toy, and I also tell Dominic that he will let Sebastian have a turn again later. They have no personal toys apart from a few stuffies (and their scooters) that they don't share.
At playgroup, when they want to play with a toy that another child also wants, I will say it was Dominic's/Sebastian's turn if they were there first, and then if the child is too young to understand and starts to cry, I will ask the boys, "Oh dear looks like so-and-so really wanted the toy, s/he is crying. Do you want to let him/her have a turn now?" And they always always agree without problems.


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## SarahBear

HKateH said:


> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. *Am I missing the point?* :shrug:

Yes. Do you share all your personal belongings with all of your friends? Teaching kids that people have the right to make decisions about their personal belongings teaches appropriate boundaries. I do, of course, make her share things that don't belong to her. I think that if something is special to a kid, they should have the right to say "no" to sharing or to ask for it back when they want it back. Adults do the same with their personal belongings and would be uneasy with someone insisting that they share everything that someone else wants, on the other person's terms.


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## SarahBear

w8ing4bean said:


> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?Click to expand...

One could also ask why you would bring your child up to not understand or recognize appropriate boundaries or how to respect another person's feelings.


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## SarahBear

I think this thread is getting a bit off track. Yes I could have been more specific of being for those who don't believe in "forced sharing of personal items," but the point is, people came in who don't agree at all, and steered the conversation in a different direction. My question is for those who DO agree with the basic concept of not forcing kids to share personal items. Not those who don't understand or agree with the concept at all.


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## AngelUK

ah I misunderstood. But the problem is of course that when you go to a playdate at another child's house, what are the children supposed to play with if not each other's toys? I would never expect my children to share their little soft bunny and kitty, which are their beloved snuggly toys for bed but I would hope that my boys would not mind sharing their other toys for an afternoon. So if I knew that the toy in question was the very favourite special toy of the other child I would tell the mum that it is ok and my boys can play with something else. I would tell my boys, this is so and so's own favourite toy but maybe you would like to play with this or that.


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## felix555

I don't like it when my LO goes up to a child playing with something and takes it off them so yes I do step in, tell him the other child was playing with it first and divert his attention to something else. It's not that often I have to do it though and he's happy enough to move on.

I let him share his toys though except his favourite toys.


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## alex_22

SarahBear said:


> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. *Am I missing the point?* :shrug:
> 
> Yes. Do you share all your personal belongings with all of your friends? Teaching kids that people have the right to make decisions about their personal belongings teaches appropriate boundaries. I do, of course, make her share things that don't belong to her. I think that if something is special to a kid, they should have the right to say "no" to sharing or to ask for it back when they want it back. Adults do the same with their personal belongings and would be uneasy with someone insisting that they share everything that someone else wants, on the other person's terms.Click to expand...

I do share my personal belongings though like if my friend has no Internet on her phone I'm more than happy to hand mine over so she can have a go, make up they can use what they please, straighteners, hair dryer, im forever telling my friends to treat my home as their own when theyre here and like someome said what of you were at someone else's house and your lo wasn't allowed to play with anything? I'm not trying to be funny or cause a stir just genuinely interested to know how that would make you feel x


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## kanga

IMO All toys out at a play date are fair game and for sharing. So I encourage my children to tame turns with other children. Or ask politely for a turn. "Please may I have a turn when you're finished ". And if someone asks my child for a turn I encourage him to say yea , in 5 minutes when I've finished. And then swap. 

If he takes one of our home toys to a toddler group for example, then before we go I tell him he will have to share it if he takes it in. And if he doesn't want To shard it today, then leave it in the car or pushchair. 

It's just good manners. 

I think the first post here is over-thinking something that isn't that deep or complicated.


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## RaspberryK

There are very few things I wouldn't share with my friends, therefore I try to encourage sharing with ds except obviously particularly special items. 
I won't tolerate snatching and don't necessarily like to do the whole "in turns" thing unless it's a slide or something that is really for in turns, I always say wait until so and so has done playing and find something else or play together if the object allows. 
But I honestly can't abide "hoarders" children who gather up toys and not allow the other one to play with anything like some kind if dominant ownership these are mine kind of way or snatching/whining for a toy that the other has and as soon as they have it wants the next item. 
Xx


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## alex_22

RaspberryK said:


> There are very few things I wouldn't share with my friends, therefore I try to encourage sharing with ds except obviously particularly special items.
> I won't tolerate snatching and don't necessarily like to do the whole "in turns" thing unless it's a slide or something that is really for in turns, I always say wait until so and so has done playing and find something else or play together if the object allows.
> But I honestly can't abide "hoarders" children who gather up toys and not allow the other one to play with anything like some kind if dominant ownership these are mine kind of way or snatching/whining for a toy that the other has and as soon as they have it wants the next item.
> Xx

Yeah i don't like ds standing over waiting for the toy I'll tell him it's your turn soon go and find something else for now, I think it's important to teach sharing though because whether you like it or not it's what they have to do at nursery/school and if they're brought up being taught they don't need to share they're going to be punished for something that they don't understand seems a little unfair on the child really x


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## SarahBear

We honestly haven't had a lot of kids over to our house and while I wouldn't force Violet to share her favorite duplo person, I wouldn't view that the same as sharing the general duplo bricks. It's not about never teaching sharing. It's about respecting someone's personal things and their personal boundaries. If she was building something, I would think she'd have the right to say that she doesn't want others to help her with it, but hoarding all the bricks is different.


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## SarahBear

kanga said:


> If he takes one of our home toys to a toddler group for example, then before we go I tell him he will have to share it if he takes it in. And if he doesn't want To shard it today, then leave it in the car or pushchair.

This is an example of how to deal with personal toys and not forcing sharing. You're setting a boundary that toys brought to play dates must be shared, but then you're following it up with giving your child the opportunity to opt out of sharing the toy.


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## RaspberryK

SarahBear said:


> We honestly haven't had a lot of kids over to our house and while I wouldn't force Violet to share her favorite duplo person, I wouldn't view that the same as sharing the general duplo bricks. It's not about never teaching sharing. It's about respecting someone's personal things and their personal boundaries. If she was building something, I would think she'd have the right to say that she doesn't want others to help her with it, but hoarding all the bricks is different.

I agree with this! 
Xx


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## wannabemomy37

SarahBear said:


> kanga said:
> 
> 
> If he takes one of our home toys to a toddler group for example, then before we go I tell him he will have to share it if he takes it in. And if he doesn't want To shard it today, then leave it in the car or pushchair.
> 
> This is an example of how to deal with personal toys and not forcing sharing. You're setting a boundary that toys brought to play dates must be shared, but then you're following it up with giving your child the opportunity to opt out of sharing the toy.Click to expand...

I agree with this wholeheartedly. If you are going to a play date - to play WITH friends; then all the toys should be fair game. If the child has a favorite toy, that's great - but they should still be able to share it with others, right? :shrug: I love my blanket, for instance, but I'd be happy to let another friend snuggle it IF I'm not using it...
You're basically saying here that since Violet has a "favorite duplo person" that nobody but her can play with it? Is that really what you want to teach her? :shrug: She needs to know that just because its her favorite doesn't mean she can't share...And if she hides all of her toys that are her "favorite" then there's when the hoarding comes in to play.
Snatching toys is a different story to me; if child A is playing with a toy and child B comes by and swoops it up; it's obvious that child B is out of line and needs to give it back to child A. Child A can then have 5 mins and then let child B have a turn.
It's life. You need to share.
What is so important to you that you can't let someone else have a turn with it?? Honestly...


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## Moomette

With my two, if DD1 has a special toy that she doesn't want DD2 or any other child to play with, we will keep it in her room and not play with it with DD2 around, or if having a play date, she has the option of putting any special toys that she doesn't want the other kids playing with somewhere safe and they don't get taken out during the play date. Anything left out is fair game and for example I don't let her stop DD2 from playing with something if it's just lying around with DD1 not playing with it.


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## MommyJogger

I think the difference between our sharing of adult things and children sharing is that we adults choose our friends and the sharing comes from wanting our friends to be comfortable. Avoiding "forced sharing" allows children the opportunity to share from the same sense of community, it makes sharing a positive thing. Because getting _told _to give your toy to another child (especially a favorite one) makes sharing an act with negative emotional connection. It's not really sharing if it didn't come from the owner/user's heart. It's not that we don't want them to learn to share-- it's that we believe that this method will foster sharing out of a sense of love rather than obligation. And many times, kids are told to share with people they just met. If that's the case, you guys can PM me your addresses and vacate your homes for a while because I'd like my turn living there. ;)
If another mom tries to force her child to share, I step in and say my boy can wait his turn, then I get down and help him ask her if he can have the toy when she's finished her turn with it, with no time limit on the turn. If the kids are happy to play with it together, even better, but avoiding "forced sharing" is pretty big where I live so lots of others do the same, so I don't encounter it that often. Usually when the child sees that they have control over their turn, they're more than happy to hand the toy back and forth between them as they take random-timed turns with it. And if not, there are lots of other toys to engage whichever child isn't taking the current turn.
ETA: And having the bad experiences is all part of the process. Feeling the disappointment when you don't get a turn helps them tune into empathy for the person waiting when it's their turn. Not sharing and seeing the disappointment of their peers does the same. It's human nature to want to be responsible for the happiness of others, giving the power to them is one way for them to own that.


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## kissesandhugs

MommyJogger said:


> I think the difference between our sharing of adult things and children sharing is that we adults choose our friends and the sharing comes from wanting our friends to be comfortable. Avoiding "forced sharing" allows children the opportunity to share from the same sense of community, it makes sharing a positive thing. Because getting _told _to give your toy to another child (especially a favorite one) makes sharing an act with negative emotional connection. It's not really sharing if it didn't come from the owner/user's heart. It's not that we don't want them to learn to share-- it's that we believe that this method will foster sharing out of a sense of love rather than obligation. And many times, kids are told to share with people they just met. If that's the case, you guys can PM me your addresses and vacate your homes for a while because I'd like my turn living there. ;)
> If another mom tries to force her child to share, I step in and say my boy can wait his turn, then I get down and help him ask her if he can have the toy when she's finished her turn with it, with no time limit on the turn. If the kids are happy to play with it together, even better, but avoiding "forced sharing" is pretty big where I live so lots of others do the same, so I don't encounter it that often. Usually when the child sees that they have control over their turn, they're more than happy to hand the toy back and forth between them as they take random-timed turns with it. And if not, there are lots of other toys to engage whichever child isn't taking the current turn.
> ETA: And having the bad experiences is all part of the process. Feeling the disappointment when you don't get a turn helps them tune into empathy for the person waiting when it's their turn. Not sharing and seeing the disappointment of their peers does the same. It's human nature to want to be responsible for the happiness of others, giving the power to them is one way for them to own that.

Perfectly said.


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## SarahBear

Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?


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## Larkspur

SarahBear said:


> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?

LOL, not being horrible (I don't teach forced sharing either) but I find it hilariously appropriate that you are refusing to share your thread! :rofl:

ETA: in response to the original question, I would just jump in with, "It's okay, Violet can wait till you've finished with it." Or if the kid doesn't want her to have it at all and she's empty-handed, "That's one of your special things and you don't feel like sharing it right now, huh? That's okay. Maybe there's something else here that you think Violet might like to play with?"


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## sue_88

I don't expect my LO to share her special teddy, so he goes upstairs if we have people round. Everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.

This just seems like, honestly, another thing you're really overthinking. If you have these friends that don't match your parenting style so much you're questioning it infront of thousands, perhaps you need a few more likeminded people.


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## alex_22

SarahBear said:


> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?

How have people not stayed on the topic from what I've read forced sharing is any type of sharing at all whether it be give up that toy now or in 5 minutes, being told in any way you have to share something is forced sharing apparently and no one's talked about anything but sharing


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## MiniKiwi

^^ It has gone off topic and now it seems to have turned nasty too.

SarahBear - if you want the thread closed, PM a mod or just report a post and ask for it to be locked or deleted.


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## alex_22

MiniKiwi said:


> ^^ It has gone off topic and now it seems to have turned nasty too.
> 
> SarahBear - if you want the thread closed, PM a mod or just report a post and ask for it to be locked or deleted.

Where on earth has it turned nasty no one at all has been nasty :S


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## RaspberryK

Off topic and nasty where? :wacko: 

Xx


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## MommyJogger

sue_88 said:


> I don't expect my LO to share her special teddy, so he goes upstairs if we have people round. Everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> This just seems like, honestly, another thing you're really overthinking. If you have these friends that don't match your parenting style so much you're questioning it infront of thousands, perhaps you need a few more likeminded people.

It's not questioning your style when you ask for ideas how to navigate interactions with different styles. I think we've all met someone who does things differently than we do and wondered how to approach the situation courteously while also maintaining our own boundaries, especially in a situation where both parents directing their own children according to their own style would make the situation inequitable.
Honestly I think that elaborate rules about how long you can have a toy before your parent handing it over and which toys are share-able etc is much more overthinking than using the toy until they're done.


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## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> sue_88 said:
> 
> 
> I don't expect my LO to share her special teddy, so he goes upstairs if we have people round. Everything else is fair game as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> This just seems like, honestly, another thing you're really overthinking. If you have these friends that don't match your parenting style so much you're questioning it infront of thousands, perhaps you need a few more likeminded people.
> 
> It's not questioning your style when you ask for ideas how to navigate interactions with different styles. I think we've all met someone who does things differently than we do and wondered how to approach the situation courteously while also maintaining our own boundaries, especially in a situation where both parents directing their own children according to their own style would make the situation inequitable.
> Honestly I think that elaborate rules about how long you can have a toy before your parent handing it over and which toys are share-able etc is much more overthinking than using the toy until they're done.Click to expand...

I use the 5 minute rule if...
I dint know who had the toy first and my son could have taken it off that child 
I can quite clearly see he's hoarding it on purpose
And if it's somethong both kids play with a lot

My sons little tikes truck was always getting argued over and my son and friends little girl would hoard that so before they get the chance we tell them 5 minutes each, they now realised they don't like waiting around so one sits in the front and drives and the other sits in the boot, they figured that out all on their own


----------



## MommyJogger

alex_22 said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?
> 
> How have people not stayed on the topic from what I've read forced sharing is any type of sharing at all whether it be give up that toy now or in 5 minutes, being told in any way you have to share something is forced sharing apparently and no one's talked about anything but sharingClick to expand...

No, sharing a toy when they're finished with it of their own free will is not forced sharing-- so obviously not every type of sharing is forced. It's off topic (and I'm obviously guilty, too) because she didn't ask for input on her style, she asked how to navigate a social situation while maintaining her style. I wonder how much of the sharing you expect of your child you model for him/her.... I supposed when your child wants to use your computer or your phone you hand it over immediately? Or perhaps after a certain amount of time whether you were finished or not? 
If your friend needs to use your cell phone, do you immediately end the conversation you're having on it and start a timer so they know they have 5 minutes to make the call they need to make before you take it back? Or do you finish what you're doing and then allow them do finish the task they need the phone for? 
If a friend needs to borrow your car and you say "this week isn't good, but you can borrow it on Sunday", how would you feel if you were told you weren't being "good" about sharing your car because you had stuff you wanted to use your own belonging for? Or would that kind of piss you off because you feel it would be generous to let them use it at a time that's also good for you?
If you're using the only pen at the bank to fill out a deposit slip and someone else needs it, do you finish your slip first or do you guys take turns with the pen until you've finally both managed to fill out your forms?
There are lots of ways we share as adults that is contrary to the way forced sharing expects children to share. And being forced to share on someone else's arbitrary terms would most certainly put us off sharing if we encountered it daily as adults.


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## Andypanda6570

Larkspur said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?
> 
> LOL, not being horrible (I don't teach forced sharing either) but I find it hilariously appropriate that you are refusing to share your thread! :rofl:
> 
> ETA: in response to the original question, I would just jump in with, "It's okay, Violet can wait till you've finished with it." Or if the kid doesn't want her to have it at all and she's empty-handed, "That's one of your special things and you don't feel like sharing it right now, huh? That's okay. Maybe there's something else here that you think Violet might like to play with?"Click to expand...

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:Oh Jesus..


----------



## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?
> 
> How have people not stayed on the topic from what I've read forced sharing is any type of sharing at all whether it be give up that toy now or in 5 minutes, being told in any way you have to share something is forced sharing apparently and no one's talked about anything but sharingClick to expand...
> 
> No, sharing a toy when they're finished with it of their own free will is not forced sharing-- so obviously not every type of sharing is forced. It's off topic (and I'm obviously guilty, too) because she didn't ask for input on her style, she asked how to navigate a social situation while maintaining her style. I wonder how much of the sharing you expect of your child you model for him/her.... I supposed when your child wants to use your computer or your phone you hand it over immediately? Or perhaps after a certain amount of time whether you were finished or not?
> If your friend needs to use your cell phone, do you immediately end the conversation you're having on it and start a timer so they know they have 5 minutes to make the call they need to make before you take it back? Or do you finish what you're doing and then allow them do finish the task they need the phone for?
> If a friend needs to borrow your car and you say "this week isn't good, but you can borrow it on Sunday", how would you feel if you were told you weren't being "good" about sharing your car because you had stuff you wanted to use your own belonging for? Or would that kind of piss you off because you feel it would be generous to let them use it at a time that's also good for you?
> If you're using the only pen at the bank to fill out a deposit slip and someone else needs it, do you finish your slip first or do you guys take turns with the pen until you've finally both managed to fill out your forms?
> There are lots of ways we share as adults that is contrary to the way forced sharing expects children to share. And being forced to share on someone else's arbitrary terms would most certainly put us off sharing if we encountered it daily as adults.Click to expand...

If I can see he was playing with that toy first and is enjoying it then yes I'll leave him and offer the other child a different toy (I'll always make him aware that someone else wants to play with it too though) but a lot of the time that just isn't the case with kids they see someone else wants it so it becomes so much more appealing and they hoard as soon as i see that behavior I step in and 5 minute rule, the car thing it was already said that there are very few things we wouldnt share and we said we understand our children have those things so they don't get played with on a play dates but my mobile phone yes I make sure I hand it over as soon as i can I'll finish what I'm doing and give it over


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## Andypanda6570

I am sorry, but this is foreign to me, I am old and my kids are big. I do believe though every parent should parent the way they feel is best. I just don't think the comparison of us as adults compares to a toddler sharing..

After a certain amount of time my sons would be told to give the toy to the other child..I can't remember how many times I was at parties with my boys and they would be playing and there was another child crying pointing to the toy that my child had:wacko: I felt my son had it for 20 minutes and it was only fair it be given to the other child, why make him sit there and cry, when (In my opinion) he has waited a reasonable amount of time .? I am sorry I just think it's ridiculous.. I am also teaching him that he always doesn't come first to put others first and to consider others feelings.. We live in a cruel world and I don't want my boys to be part of that "Me, Myself And I" attitude.. Adults situations are totally different to me and not comparable, IMO.. But like I said we all have our own ways of parenting and I wouldn't judge it, but I would probably laugh at it, I am only kidding.. LOL.. I think we all just wanna raise well adjusted, decent, caring, humble and compassionate children and I don't think Controlled Sharing will hinder that, it's just not something I would ever consider :flower: Oh sorry forced shaing, got it confused with controlled crying :wacko: so many names to remember:flower:..


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## Natsku

Does the other parent know that you don't like to force sharing? If so, then let the other parent parent in their own style and you parent in your own style, so if the other parent tells their child to share don't stop the child from sharing as that would be undermining the other parent. 

I "force" (don't actually force as she understands that sharing is good and does so willingly) Maria to share as I think its an important thing to learn to do. I share my things so why shouldn't she?


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## MommyJogger

alex_22 said:


> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?
> 
> How have people not stayed on the topic from what I've read forced sharing is any type of sharing at all whether it be give up that toy now or in 5 minutes, being told in any way you have to share something is forced sharing apparently and no one's talked about anything but sharingClick to expand...
> 
> No, sharing a toy when they're finished with it of their own free will is not forced sharing-- so obviously not every type of sharing is forced. It's off topic (and I'm obviously guilty, too) because she didn't ask for input on her style, she asked how to navigate a social situation while maintaining her style. I wonder how much of the sharing you expect of your child you model for him/her.... I supposed when your child wants to use your computer or your phone you hand it over immediately? Or perhaps after a certain amount of time whether you were finished or not?
> If your friend needs to use your cell phone, do you immediately end the conversation you're having on it and start a timer so they know they have 5 minutes to make the call they need to make before you take it back? Or do you finish what you're doing and then allow them do finish the task they need the phone for?
> If a friend needs to borrow your car and you say "this week isn't good, but you can borrow it on Sunday", how would you feel if you were told you weren't being "good" about sharing your car because you had stuff you wanted to use your own belonging for? Or would that kind of piss you off because you feel it would be generous to let them use it at a time that's also good for you?
> If you're using the only pen at the bank to fill out a deposit slip and someone else needs it, do you finish your slip first or do you guys take turns with the pen until you've finally both managed to fill out your forms?
> There are lots of ways we share as adults that is contrary to the way forced sharing expects children to share. And being forced to share on someone else's arbitrary terms would most certainly put us off sharing if we encountered it daily as adults.Click to expand...
> 
> If I can see he was playing with that toy first and is enjoying it then yes I'll leave him and offer the other child a different toy (I'll always make him aware that someone else wants to play with it too though) but a lot of the time that just isn't the case with kids they see someone else wants it so it becomes so much more appealing and they hoard as soon as i see that behavior I step in and 5 minute rule, the car thing it was already said that there are very few things we wouldnt share and we said we understand our children have those things so they don't get played with on a play dates but my mobile phone yes I make sure I hand it over as soon as i can I'll finish what I'm doing and give it overClick to expand...

If your children are allowed to have things they don't share, then why do you call it "hoarding" here? Why isn't that just a toy they've decided not to share? Or perhaps just to not share with this specific person (because I also assume you choose who you share your phone with)? Also, re: cellphone: exactly. You'll finish what you're doing first. And YOU get to decide when you're finished. Just because your task makes more sense to you than your child's doesn't make your child's task with a toy less important to them than your task is to you.
Also: i get that another kid wanting a toy makes it more "valuable" sometimes. I would think children are socialized enough to be on both sides of that situation-- the toy user _and _the cryer that wants the toy. That's how they learn not to do that. But regularly having a valuable toy taken from you and given to someone else can definitely exacerbate that behavior-- they'll start to constantly feel like a toy someone else wants is about to be taken away from them, so of course they're going to panic and cling to a toy when someone else wants it.


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## felix555

No chance I make my LO share his favourite toy, it gets hidden when children come round. I actually had a thread about this not so long ago.

https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/toddler-pre-school/2241255-sharing-its-favoirite-toy.html


----------



## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> Can we just got rid of this thread since people can't seem to handle staying on the actual topic?
> 
> How have people not stayed on the topic from what I've read forced sharing is any type of sharing at all whether it be give up that toy now or in 5 minutes, being told in any way you have to share something is forced sharing apparently and no one's talked about anything but sharingClick to expand...
> 
> No, sharing a toy when they're finished with it of their own free will is not forced sharing-- so obviously not every type of sharing is forced. It's off topic (and I'm obviously guilty, too) because she didn't ask for input on her style, she asked how to navigate a social situation while maintaining her style. I wonder how much of the sharing you expect of your child you model for him/her.... I supposed when your child wants to use your computer or your phone you hand it over immediately? Or perhaps after a certain amount of time whether you were finished or not?
> If your friend needs to use your cell phone, do you immediately end the conversation you're having on it and start a timer so they know they have 5 minutes to make the call they need to make before you take it back? Or do you finish what you're doing and then allow them do finish the task they need the phone for?
> If a friend needs to borrow your car and you say "this week isn't good, but you can borrow it on Sunday", how would you feel if you were told you weren't being "good" about sharing your car because you had stuff you wanted to use your own belonging for? Or would that kind of piss you off because you feel it would be generous to let them use it at a time that's also good for you?
> If you're using the only pen at the bank to fill out a deposit slip and someone else needs it, do you finish your slip first or do you guys take turns with the pen until you've finally both managed to fill out your forms?
> There are lots of ways we share as adults that is contrary to the way forced sharing expects children to share. And being forced to share on someone else's arbitrary terms would most certainly put us off sharing if we encountered it daily as adults.Click to expand...
> 
> If I can see he was playing with that toy first and is enjoying it then yes I'll leave him and offer the other child a different toy (I'll always make him aware that someone else wants to play with it too though) but a lot of the time that just isn't the case with kids they see someone else wants it so it becomes so much more appealing and they hoard as soon as i see that behavior I step in and 5 minute rule, the car thing it was already said that there are very few things we wouldnt share and we said we understand our children have those things so they don't get played with on a play dates but my mobile phone yes I make sure I hand it over as soon as i can I'll finish what I'm doing and give it overClick to expand...
> 
> If your children are allowed to have things they don't share, then why do you call it "hoarding" here? Why isn't that just a toy they've decided not to share? Or perhaps just to not share with this specific person (because I also assume you choose who you share your phone with)? Also, re: cellphone: exactly. You'll finish what you're doing first. And YOU get to decide when you're finished. Just because your task makes more sense to you than your child's doesn't make your child's task with a toy less important to them than your task is to you.Click to expand...

I'm not using the term hoarding in refers to not wanting to share, when I'm sitting watching him looking at the child that wants the toy while he's got a smug look on his face like ha ha I've got it you haven't that's him hoarding that toy and I'll step in and shut that down, tbh the friends he plays with are friends he does like there's been plenty of times there's been kids he isn't keen on (always because they dont share well with him) so I avoid those people, like a pp said of my child has been playing with something for 20 minutes and another child really wants it I'll step in and explain that to him and get him to share it, I dont want to see a child upset because mine won't share and I don't like seeing my child upset because someone else won't share, but me finishing what I'm doing on my phone and giving it over is the same as telling him he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing if no one wanted my phone I'd play on it longer but I don't want that person sitting waiting ages


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## MommyJogger

Andypanda6570 said:


> Adults situations are totally different to me and not comparable, IMO..

Can you explain how they're not comparable? I think there's something to be said about which style fosters the "me, myself, and I" attitude. Because through forced sharing, kids learn that they get to take something someone else is using before they're done with it. Sometimes even if that something belongs to that person. I see forced sharing as not all that different from encouraging a child to snatch-- only with forced sharing, the parent is the one doing the snatching. I also wouldn't want another child to be forced to give up a toy if my son is wailing over it. My son has to learn he doesn't always get something just because he wants it badly enough. I'm there emotionally for him and respect those feelings of disappointment, and I'll help him find another way to engage, but I'm not going to teach him it's okay to infringe upon another person against their will to get what he wants.


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## Natsku

MommyJogger said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> Adults situations are totally different to me and not comparable, IMO..
> 
> Can you explain how they're not comparable? I think there's something to be said about which style fosters the "me, myself, and I" attitude. *Because through forced sharing, kids learn that they get to take something someone else is using before they're done with it. Sometimes even if that something belongs to that person. I see forced sharing as not all that different from encouraging a child to snatch-- only with forced sharing, the parent is the one doing the snatching.* I also wouldn't want another child to be forced to give up a toy if my son is wailing over it. My son has to learn he doesn't always get something just because he wants it badly enough. I'm there emotionally for him and respect those feelings of disappointment, and I'll help him find another way to engage, but I'm not going to teach him it's okay to infringe upon another person against their will to get what he wants.Click to expand...

Not really though, I don't force other children to share with Maria, and what parents would snatch a toy off a child? The way I do it, and the way I see other parents do it is reminding the child that its good to share and to let the other child have a go in a bit, or with younger toddlers offering another toy to distract them.


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## MommyJogger

alex_22 said:


> I'm not using the term hoarding in refers to not wanting to share, when I'm sitting watching him looking at the child that wants the toy while he's got a smug look on his face like ha ha I've got it you haven't that's him hoarding that toy and I'll step in and shut that down, tbh the friends he plays with are friends he does like there's been plenty of times there's been kids he isn't keen on (always because they dont share well with him) so I avoid those people, like a pp said of my child has been playing with something for 20 minutes and another child really wants it I'll step in and explain that to him and get him to share it, I dont want to see a child upset because mine won't share and I don't like seeing my child upset because someone else won't share, *but me finishing what I'm doing on my phone and giving it over is the same as telling him he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing i*f no one wanted my phone I'd play on it longer but I don't want that person sitting waiting ages

Except that it is distinctly not. What if he can't finish in the allotted amount of time? How do you know what he's trying to accomplish? At that age, play is their work. It's frivolous to you, but it's not to them. To them, it's exactly the same as you having the phone taken out of your hand in the middle of a conversation and handed to someone else. Preschoolers can't tell time. 
If a child is behaving the way you describe, people around here tend to step in and sportscast what's going on to help the "hoarder" understand the emotions their actions are causing and reminding them of a time when they shared something and enjoyed it, or when someone shared something with them and how it made them feel good. But I definitely don't think the answer to this behavior is to snatch the toy from them (because, seriously, from the kid's POV, how is you taking the toy away different from them taking a toy from someone?).


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## MommyJogger

Natsku said:


> Not really though, I don't force other children to share with Maria, and what parents would snatch a toy off a child? The way I do it, and the way I see other parents do it is reminding the child that its good to share and to let the other child have a go in a bit, or with younger toddlers offering another toy to distract them.

But that's not forced. I definitely encourage my son to share and talk about other times when sharing was fun and how good it made him feel to be shared with. But I don't _tell _him to hand over a toy, nor do I take it from his posession (snatching, and I've seen at least a few parents snatch a toy from their child to give to another in the name of 'sharing', even though forced sharing isn't big here) to give to someone else.


----------



## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> I'm not using the term hoarding in refers to not wanting to share, when I'm sitting watching him looking at the child that wants the toy while he's got a smug look on his face like ha ha I've got it you haven't that's him hoarding that toy and I'll step in and shut that down, tbh the friends he plays with are friends he does like there's been plenty of times there's been kids he isn't keen on (always because they dont share well with him) so I avoid those people, like a pp said of my child has been playing with something for 20 minutes and another child really wants it I'll step in and explain that to him and get him to share it, I dont want to see a child upset because mine won't share and I don't like seeing my child upset because someone else won't share, *but me finishing what I'm doing on my phone and giving it over is the same as telling him he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing i*f no one wanted my phone I'd play on it longer but I don't want that person sitting waiting ages
> 
> Except that it is distinctly not. What if he can't finish in the allotted amount of time? How do you know what he's trying to accomplish? At that age, play is their work. It's frivolous to you, but it's not to them. To them, it's exactly the same as you having the phone taken out of your hand in the middle of a conversation and handed to someone else. Preschoolers can't tell time.
> If a child is behaving the way you describe, people around here tend to step in and sportscast what's going on to help the "hoarder" understand the emotions their actions are causing and reminding them of a time when they shared something and enjoyed it, or when someone shared something with them and how it made them feel good. But I definitely don't think the answer to this behavior is to snatch the toy from them (because, seriously, from the kid's POV, how is you taking the toy away different from them taking a toy from someone?).Click to expand...

There's plenty of things us as parents have to do that they don't understand though, what about baths what if there's a kick off about going in the bath am I then also not taking his feelings into consideration because I've dunked hin in anyway, or bed time what if he's protesting because he's playing with a toy I'll take the toy off him and tell him he can play with it tomorrow its bed time so am I snatching it off him then too? unfortunately we have to be cruel to be kind and in my opinion teaching them to share is one of those things it's just what works for us just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's wrong it just doesn't suit you, we all have our kids best interest at heart


----------



## wannabemomy37

MommyJogger said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> I'm not using the term hoarding in refers to not wanting to share, when I'm sitting watching him looking at the child that wants the toy while he's got a smug look on his face like ha ha I've got it you haven't that's him hoarding that toy and I'll step in and shut that down, tbh the friends he plays with are friends he does like there's been plenty of times there's been kids he isn't keen on (always because they dont share well with him) so I avoid those people, like a pp said of my child has been playing with something for 20 minutes and another child really wants it I'll step in and explain that to him and get him to share it, I dont want to see a child upset because mine won't share and I don't like seeing my child upset because someone else won't share, *but me finishing what I'm doing on my phone and giving it over is the same as telling him he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing i*f no one wanted my phone I'd play on it longer but I don't want that person sitting waiting ages
> 
> Except that it is distinctly not. What if he can't finish in the allotted amount of time? How do you know what he's trying to accomplish? At that age, play is their work. It's frivolous to you, but it's not to them. To them, it's exactly the same as you having the phone taken out of your hand in the middle of a conversation and handed to someone else. Preschoolers can't tell time.
> If a child is behaving the way you describe, people around here tend to step in and sportscast what's going on to help the "hoarder" understand the emotions their actions are causing and reminding them of a time when they shared something and enjoyed it, or when someone shared something with them and how it made them feel good. But I definitely don't think the answer to this behavior is to snatch the toy from them (because, seriously, from the kid's POV, how is you taking the toy away different from them taking a toy from someone?).Click to expand...

So you're allowing a 2 year old to determine when they are done "accomplishing" their task at hand? That could take hours for all you know, when really if I was on the phone and someone else asked to borrow it I would tell the person I'm talking to that I will call them back and let the other person have a turn :shrug: 

And for the "lend your house" comment - It's not sharing if you ask to take over the house. If you needed a place to stay you can stay WITH someone in their house; not kick them out completely. A house is something that can be SHARED with more than one person. A duplo toy can be SHARED/take turns with more than one person. Anything can be shared - But in a sense, you asking us to "give up" our houses is the same as "snatching" a toy; Not asking for it and taking is NOT sharing.


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## MommyJogger

alex_22 said:


> There's plenty of things us as parents have to do that they don't understand though, what about baths what if there's a kick off about going in the bath am I then also not taking his feelings into consideration because I've dunked hin in anyway, or bed time what if he's protesting because he's playing with a toy I'll take the toy off him and tell him he can play with it tomorrow its bed time so am I snatching it off him then too? unfortunately we have to be cruel to be kind and in my opinion *teaching them to share is one of those things it's just what works for us just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's wrong it just doesn't suit you*, we all have our kids best interest at heart

I don't dunk my kid in the bath if there's currently a tantrum about it, no. I don't snatch toys at bedtime either. I think "cruel to be kind" has it's place, but certainly not in every day social interactions and definitely not if it involves something we want them to do self-directed one day. As for the bolded, you're the one that came into a thread about a parenting style and got catty about it with comments about how "all sharing is forced sharing".


----------



## MommyJogger

wannabemomy37 said:


> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> I'm not using the term hoarding in refers to not wanting to share, when I'm sitting watching him looking at the child that wants the toy while he's got a smug look on his face like ha ha I've got it you haven't that's him hoarding that toy and I'll step in and shut that down, tbh the friends he plays with are friends he does like there's been plenty of times there's been kids he isn't keen on (always because they dont share well with him) so I avoid those people, like a pp said of my child has been playing with something for 20 minutes and another child really wants it I'll step in and explain that to him and get him to share it, I dont want to see a child upset because mine won't share and I don't like seeing my child upset because someone else won't share, *but me finishing what I'm doing on my phone and giving it over is the same as telling him he has 5 minutes to finish what he's doing i*f no one wanted my phone I'd play on it longer but I don't want that person sitting waiting ages
> 
> Except that it is distinctly not. What if he can't finish in the allotted amount of time? How do you know what he's trying to accomplish? At that age, play is their work. It's frivolous to you, but it's not to them. To them, it's exactly the same as you having the phone taken out of your hand in the middle of a conversation and handed to someone else. Preschoolers can't tell time.
> If a child is behaving the way you describe, people around here tend to step in and sportscast what's going on to help the "hoarder" understand the emotions their actions are causing and reminding them of a time when they shared something and enjoyed it, or when someone shared something with them and how it made them feel good. But I definitely don't think the answer to this behavior is to snatch the toy from them (because, seriously, from the kid's POV, how is you taking the toy away different from them taking a toy from someone?).Click to expand...
> 
> So you're allowing a 2 year old to determine when they are done "accomplishing" their task at hand? That could take hours for all you know, when really if I was on the phone and someone else asked to borrow it I would tell the person I'm talking to that I will call them back and let the other person have a turn :shrug:
> 
> And for the "lend your house" comment - It's not sharing if you ask to take over the house. If you needed a place to stay you can stay WITH someone in their house; not kick them out completely. A house is something that can be SHARED with more than one person. A duplo toy can be SHARED/take turns with more than one person. Anything can be shared - But in a sense, you asking us to "give up" our houses is the same as "snatching" a toy; Not asking for it and taking is NOT sharing.Click to expand...

Yes-- he's the only one who knows when he's done. And again, your phone example is doing something you *choose *to do. My kid can choose to take a break from a toy and let someone else use it-- he does frequently. But you would be appalled if someone interrupted your conversation to TAKE your phone and that's what we're doing to kids when we force sharing-- it's about making the sharing the child's choice and on their terms, like we expect with any of our posessions. Also, you don't have to give me your house-- I just want my turn. You can have it back in 6 mo and then I'll take the next 6 mo.

ETA and now my kids are awake, so later folks.


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## felix555

Am I understanding this right that people think it's acceptable that their child goes up to another and takes a toy out their hand simply because it's now their child's turn? :wacko:


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## Andypanda6570

felix555 said:


> Am I understanding this right that people think it's acceptable that their child goes up to another and takes a toy out their hand simply because it's now their child's turn? :wacko:

Absolutely not.. I would take one of my boys to the side kneel down and say look now it's so and so turn, you had it for 20 minutes ( Or however long) and when he is done you can play with it again.. I would never sit there while my child grabbed a toy, don't know who posted what to give you that idea..


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## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> There's plenty of things us as parents have to do that they don't understand though, what about baths what if there's a kick off about going in the bath am I then also not taking his feelings into consideration because I've dunked hin in anyway, or bed time what if he's protesting because he's playing with a toy I'll take the toy off him and tell him he can play with it tomorrow its bed time so am I snatching it off him then too? unfortunately we have to be cruel to be kind and in my opinion *teaching them to share is one of those things it's just what works for us just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean it's wrong it just doesn't suit you*, we all have our kids best interest at heart
> 
> I don't dunk my kid in the bath if there's currently a tantrum about it, no. I don't snatch toys at bedtime either. I think "cruel to be kind" has it's place, but certainly not in every day social interactions and definitely not if it involves something we want them to do self-directed one day. As for the bolded, you're the one that came into a thread about a parenting style and got catty about it with comments about how "all sharing is forced sharing".Click to expand...

No I said from what I've read, that doesn't mean that's my opinion that just means that's how it came across from what I read, I like routine helps keep me somewhat sane so kick off or not we stick to it because routine is an extremely important thing to teach for later in life, jusy because I take a toy off my child in no way means I'm snatching it, what about say dinner breaks at work what if I hadn't finished eating but the break was over it hasn't been snatched from me it's just part of the routine and my child has a sense of time when I give him ample warning that it's bath time/bed time soon, I'm just trying to teach him valuable life lessons


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## felix555

Andypanda6570 said:


> felix555 said:
> 
> 
> Am I understanding this right that people think it's acceptable that their child goes up to another and takes a toy out their hand simply because it's now their child's turn? :wacko:
> 
> Absolutely not.. I would take one of my boys to the side kneel down and say look now it's so and so turn, you had it for 20 minutes ( Or however long) and when he is done you can play with it again.. I would never sit there while my child grabbed a toy, don't know who posted what to give you that idea..Click to expand...

I did have a feeling I was misunderstanding some of the posts, which is why I asked


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## RaspberryK

Wow if I didn't bath my ds or wash his hair or clean his teeth because he was having a tantrum about it he'd be one helluva dirty kid! 

No Felix no one has said that in this thread at all! 

Xz


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## morri

I can see various approaches when I am on a playground. I am also against forced sharing.For telling that they can have it once they are finished with it. Also telling that your lo will be fine waiting or looking out for another toy to play with. While you can play with legos you can't share an invidual brick. 
If a conflict occurs I would first have a look how it goes before I would engage.


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## Lady_Bee

I haven't read the whole thread... But I am somewhere in the middle with this.

I think it is a little rude to have another child come over to play and then let your child decide not to share. 

What we do is this:

Before a play date at out own house, I talk to Alexander and tell him that he will have to share his toys as so-and-so is coming to play. We then go through his toys and sort them out into a "willing to share these" pile and a "these would be too difficult to share" pile. We put the "too difficult to share" toys in another room out of sight. And then I make sure the remaining toys ARE shared. It's not a huge deal to my son and the other kid gets plenty to play with. Everybody wins.

I don't believe in just snatching toys from my kids to give to others, but I certainly don't allow them to not share. I just like to give him control over which toys will be available to others during play dates. His "special" toys are always changing and it's hard to keep up...

In a public place I'm more lenient but definitely encourage turn taking and step in when he begins to hoard toys! He is getting pretty good at sharing but I do have to remind him that another child seems to want that toy and maybe it's time to let him have a turn.


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## jd83

SarahBear said:


> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing? My neighbor does this with her kids and we spend time with them almost every weekend. I love having kids for Violet to have regular interactions with, but I'm not so crazy about some of the parenting strategies used including this one. Additionally, it makes it awkward when Violet doesn't want to share something. I haven't faced that problem too much, but it has happened. For example, she recently didn't want the little boy using her balance bike. She was OK with it once his tricycle came out and she had the opportunity to use it, but it didn't seem like real consent.
> 
> Separate issue, but they also have become a little unfriendly to her. They are 2.5 and a few months from 5. Is this just age related, or something else going on? The only thing that made me wonder about age is that I once set up a play date that involved similarly aged children who were also unfriendly to her. We only saw those kids once.

As to how to handle it, I would try to respect their parenting method while also getting yours across as to how you expect your child to handle the situation. I think just a verbal response when they are both wanting a toy would be good, just to show your stance on it. "You can have a turn when Violet is finished playing with it" or vice versa. I don't do time limits on sharing. When they are done playing with it, the other can have a turn, which I clearly verbalize. They are still at ages where I have to consistently repeat this. I would also have Violet put away toys beforehand that she doesn't want to share. I find nothing wrong with having some items that are just for her, just as we also have items we would rather not share. But those should be put away beforehand so as to not become an issue during the play date. I like pp response when at a play date that if lo doesn't want to share it, leave it in the car. I do similar with my kids. Toys at a play date are all for grabs by whoever is playing with them. If its out, I don't allow them to say no to others playing with it. They can put it away beforehand if they don't want it played with.

ETA: also, in response to pp asking how you deal with sharing when they are siblings...same principle. They can't just take a toy from the other, and say they need to share. They are told that they can have a turn when the other is finished playing with it. Yes, it sometimes results in crying because they want it now. But they also need to learn that life isn't always immediate gratification. Sometimes you have to wait a bit before you get what you want. My kids don't hoard toys the whole day, so its not a major issue. One will play with a toy for a bit, and then move onto another, so then the they get turns that way.


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## Mrs Bee

Wow.... What a minefield this parenting gig is.... I can't believe there's a 'style' that lets your kids not share! Learn something new everyday.... So far amongst my mummy friends I've found we let the kids take it in turns with the toys so everyone gets to play with each others toys.... And when there's a clash over a toy we just diffuse it as best we can and move on, both kids end up playing with the toy eventually 

I was bought up to share my things....I'd like Alice to do the same, obviously there's special things like favourite teddies, but those can be put away and all other things shared.


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## jd83

Mrs Bee said:


> Wow.... What a minefield this parenting gig is.... *I can't believe there's a 'style' that lets your kids not share! Learn something new everyday.... *So far amongst my mummy friends I've found we let the kids take it in turns with the toys so everyone gets to play with each others toys.... And when there's a clash over a toy we just diffuse it as best we can and move on, both kids end up playing with the toy eventually
> 
> I was bought up to share my things....I'd like Alice to do the same, obviously there's special things like favourite teddies, but those can be put away and all other things shared.

That's not what the style is, its more about *how* children are taught to share. Whether they are taught to share by only getting to play with an item for a set limit of time and then give it up to next kid who wants it, when they weren't done playing with it, or whether they are allowed to finish playing with it, and then allow another a turn. It's still sharing in both accounts, just different views on "when" the sharing is to occur, and whether a child should be "forced" to give up a toy in a set amount of time if another wants to play with it, or if the child is allowed to finish playing with it and then allow the other child to play with it. Also the idea of allowing a child certain things to be only theirs. Which we as adults do as well. My kids have toys that they don't share with anyone, as they are their favorites. That's fine, as they are perfectly willing to share MOST of their toys with their friends at play dates. They don't want their favorites broken or others to play with them. I have no problem with that. 

I think people have gotten sidetracked with thinking those who don't make their kids share at set intervals don't teach sharing. Yes, we do. Just a bit differently, as in the toy can be used by another child when lo is done with it. And vice versa. Honestly, most kids don't play with just one toy all day long. Eventually, their turn is over and someone else can have a turn. My kids move on to different toys pretty frequently. And respond pretty well for the most part to needing to wait until the other is done with an item.

ETA: My kids do have to do forced sharing at times, such as preschool and the sitter's house. While it may not be what I do at home with them, I also respect that they need to learn to obey the rules of where they are.


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## lhancock90

If we are at softplay, a playdate. school or another setting where toys are available for children, then yes the girls have to share, absolutely. Everybody gets a turn if its something everyone wants.

However, at home, with friends, family over, yes i will encourage the girls to bring out toys to play with for everyone however, if there are toys of their own they don't want people to play with, Then by all means they can keep those toys away. 
I will absolutely lend things to friends, but there are certain dresses, jewelry, items that no, i won't loan out. I don't have to. As my items its my right to decide what i lend out and if i want to. 

Yes i want my kids to share and they will, but i wont force them to share everything they own. Its not going to make them rude kids or selfish, its going to make them kids who both share and respect their own belongings and other peoples boundries.


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## jd83

Was thinking more in regards to siblings and sharing: another thing I do is if its a toy they clearly fight over often and both always want to play with, I just buy another so they can each have one since its clearly a favorite of both. Within reason pricewise, of course.


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## felix555

I think I've come to the realisation after reading this thread that I'm probably "a parent against forced sharing" :haha:


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## alex_22

felix555 said:


> I think I've come to the realisation after reading this thread that I'm probably "a parent against forced sharing" :haha:

I can't really say whether I do one or the other because I just judge every situation differently, like if ds was playing with something and my friends child come over expecting it me and the other mam would say no go and find something else and vice versa but say that child did go off and find something else and kept coming back every now and then to ask for a turn then I'd step in and ask him if he would share it


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## felix555

alex_22 said:


> felix555 said:
> 
> 
> I think I've come to the realisation after reading this thread that I'm probably "a parent against forced sharing" :haha:
> 
> I can't really say whether I do one or the other because I just judge every situation differently, like if ds was playing with something and my friends child come over expecting it me and the other mam would say no go and find something else and vice versa but say that child did go off and find something else and kept coming back every now and then to ask for a turn then I'd step in and ask him if he would share itClick to expand...

Me too that's why I've never thought too much about it but if I had to pick one or the other I'd say I'm against sharing just because that's what's expected.

I've been thinking of examples and what I've done that goes against sharing ...

I hide his special toy when other people come round
Last week we were in a waiting room and my LO went up and took a toy off a child (a dinosaurs and there were at least 3 others) the mom told the boy to give it to my LO, I said no he had it first and then diverted my LO's attention.
Over the summer we had a local fake beach with toys, kids would come up to my LO and try take the spade or whatever he was playing with (again, despite there being many others) and I would nicely tell them to go get another from the pile. Some were not happy with this!


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## alex_22

felix555 said:


> alex_22 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> felix555 said:
> 
> 
> I think I've come to the realisation after reading this thread that I'm probably "a parent against forced sharing" :haha:
> 
> I can't really say whether I do one or the other because I just judge every situation differently, like if ds was playing with something and my friends child come over expecting it me and the other mam would say no go and find something else and vice versa but say that child did go off and find something else and kept coming back every now and then to ask for a turn then I'd step in and ask him if he would share itClick to expand...
> 
> Me too that's why I've never thought too much about it but if I had to pick one or the other I'd say I'm against sharing just because that's what's expected.
> 
> I've been thinking of examples and what I've done that goes against sharing ...
> 
> I hide his special toy when other people come round
> Last week we were in a waiting room and my LO went up and took a toy off a child (a dinosaurs and there were at least 3 others) the mom told the boy to give it to my LO, I said no he had it first and then diverted my LO's attention.
> Over the summer we had a local fake beach with toys, kids would come up to my LO and try take the spade or whatever he was playing with (again, despite there being many others) and I would nicely tell them to go get another from the pile. Some were not happy with this!Click to expand...

Some what parents or children? I never let him just take what he wants tbh he's never really been bad for that anyway though he's kind of the opposite hes a little too soft with other kids he will let them take anything and won't stick up for himself, we were at a park before and he was waiting to go down the slide but he was letting every kid go down before him even kids that had already been down and come back up lol we had to tell him to hurry up and go down would have been there all night otherwise (after telling him how clever he was for sharing so well of course) he just makes me burst with pride when I see him do things like that


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## HKateH

SarahBear said:


> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. *Am I missing the point?* :shrug:
> 
> Yes. Do you share all your personal belongings with all of your friends? Teaching kids that people have the right to make decisions about their personal belongings teaches appropriate boundaries. I do, of course, make her share things that don't belong to her. I think that if something is special to a kid, they should have the right to say "no" to sharing or to ask for it back when they want it back. Adults do the same with their personal belongings and would be uneasy with someone insisting that they share everything that someone else wants, on the other person's terms.Click to expand...

I always offer sweets, crisps, food yes. If a friend asks to borrow something then I will be as accommodating as possible. Over my 29 years I have become confident in sharing as part of relationships and society. No I wouldn't necessarily lend my most expensive piece of jewellery out but then most socially aware adults wouldn't ask to borrow. I shall be bringing my child up with the social awareness enabling him to understand that you don't _ask_ to share everything someone else has. I won't, however, be teaching him that 'You don't have to share darling if it makes you uncomfortable'... Share the damn toy Myles; do unto others and all that...

Sounds awfully dogmatic to me!


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## w8ing4bean

SarahBear said:


> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?Click to expand...
> 
> One could also ask why you would bring your child up to not understand or recognize appropriate boundaries or how to respect another person's feelings.Click to expand...

Bit rude!


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## kissesandhugs

w8ing4bean said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?Click to expand...
> 
> One could also ask why you would bring your child up to not understand or recognize appropriate boundaries or how to respect another person's feelings.Click to expand...
> 
> Bit rude!Click to expand...

I'm sorry but how is that rude? She asked the same question you did but from her point of view? If that's the case, your question was also rude.


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## Natsku

The earlier comment about would you share your house - my family has done that, its called a house swap so we shared our house and all our belongings and they shared theirs. Nice sharing (and beats paying for a hotel :haha: )


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## Hunbun

This is actually a really interesting concept.

I am with a lot of the other ladies, where I do a mixture of both parenting styles, although I didn't actually realise it! I do believe in encouraging sharing but in most situations I would not force it. Just like I teach my children not to take toys away from others. I think a mixture of both styles is more realistic with adult life.


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## MommyJogger

HKateH said:


> I always offer sweets, crisps, food yes. If a friend asks to borrow something then I will be as accommodating as possible. Over my 29 years I have become confident in sharing as part of relationships and society. No I wouldn't necessarily lend my most expensive piece of jewellery out but then most socially aware adults wouldn't ask to borrow. I shall be bringing my child up with the social awareness enabling him to understand that you don't _ask_ to share everything someone else has. I won't, however, be teaching him that 'You don't have to share darling if it makes you uncomfortable'... Share the damn toy Myles; do unto others and all that...
> 
> Sounds awfully dogmatic to me!

How are people still not understanding the difference here? You _choose _to be generous. You were not _forced _to offer food. If your boss followed you home and told you to hand over the rest of the candy bar you were eating, _then _it would be equivalent to the sharing that gets forced on kids.
As for "do unto others", how many times does it have to be said that we are not anti-sharing? We want our kids to share and develop a keen sense of generosity just as much as you. We just believe that _this _way is more effective and there's research into early childhood development that supports it. It's not some hippie idea we pulled out of our butts.
https://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2013/08/16/0956797613482335.abstract
Do you know what dogmatic means? How is free choice (sometimes we share, sometimes we take turns, sometimes our things are only for us) more dogmatic than "we share. period. whether you like it or not."?


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## Natsku

Toddlers are naturally selfish and egocentric. They have to learn how to share but the methods of teaching that can vary. So long as they grow up happy to share their belongings then its all good, no matter which way they were taught. 

But of course we all have our own opinions on which is the better way. I don't remember how my parents taught me to share but considering it was the late 80s and I have four brothers it was probably through forced sharing and its worked fine for me but other methods might have worked just as well, can't know that.


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## lj2245

SarahBear said:


> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing? My neighbor does this with her kids and we spend time with them almost every weekend. I love having kids for Violet to have regular interactions with, but I'm not so crazy about some of the parenting strategies used including this one. Additionally, it makes it awkward when Violet doesn't want to share something. I haven't faced that problem too much, but it has happened. For example, she recently didn't want the little boy using her balance bike. She was OK with it once his tricycle came out and she had the opportunity to use it, but it didn't seem like real consent.
> 
> Separate issue, but they also have become a little unfriendly to her. They are 2.5 and a few months from 5. Is this just age related, or something else going on? The only thing that made me wonder about age is that I once set up a play date that involved similarly aged children who were also unfriendly to her. We only saw those kids once.

Ive read the thread and I'm not going to enter the debate or give my opinion on how I choose to raise my children. I will instead try to give my opinion on your problem.

You and your children are socialising with parents and children who have a difference of opinion on how they choose to deal with sharing. Your way of raising your child is as relevant as theirs and neither way is more important or should be enforced more than the other. 

It may make you uncomfortable when another child is forced to share with your child but likewise the other parent would feel uncomfortable when you don't enforce sharing when their child clearly wants to play with something your child doesn't want to share. You just have to deal with that as she/he would have to. Another parent shouldn't have to change their parenting style to suit yours just as you shouldn't have to change yours to suit them. 

I think the best way to tackle it is to have a friendly conversation about how you feel about forced sharing and allow the other parent to do the same, without any judgement or without telling the other parent they are wrong (and they should do likewise). It doesn't have to be a long conversation, just along the lines of "I understand that you teach BLah to share her toys and I respect that but I teach Violet differently and I don't want there to be any awkwardness on either side so thought we could discuss it briefly"

You may find that discussing it means she knows to distract her child when she wants something your child has and that she has the option of not forcing her child to share with yours when the role is reversed (something she might only be doing out of politeness).

I don't have any advice to offer on the unfriendliness because I'm not 100% sure what you mean.


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## NoodleSnack

HKateH said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. *Am I missing the point?* :shrug:
> 
> Yes. Do you share all your personal belongings with all of your friends? Teaching kids that people have the right to make decisions about their personal belongings teaches appropriate boundaries. I do, of course, make her share things that don't belong to her. I think that if something is special to a kid, they should have the right to say "no" to sharing or to ask for it back when they want it back. Adults do the same with their personal belongings and would be uneasy with someone insisting that they share everything that someone else wants, on the other person's terms.Click to expand...
> 
> I always offer sweets, crisps, food yes. If a friend asks to borrow something then I will be as accommodating as possible. Over my 29 years I have become confident in sharing as part of relationships and society. No I wouldn't necessarily lend my most expensive piece of jewellery out but then most socially aware adults wouldn't ask to borrow. I shall be bringing my child up with the social awareness enabling him to understand that you don't _ask_ to share everything someone else has. I won't, however, be teaching him that 'You don't have to share darling if it makes you uncomfortable'... Share the damn toy Myles; do unto others and all that...
> 
> Sounds awfully dogmatic to me!Click to expand...


Can you tell us of some examples where you shared things when you felt really uncomfortable about doing it? Why did you still do it? And was there any time you decided not to share something and had it taken from you as an adult?

If you want your child to have social awareness, he's got to first learn empathy, a skill which you are not displaying in this thread. 

People are more likely to share when they feel secure, they know that they will get their things back, in a reasonable or the same condition as it was given, or they can get more of it should they want to, that sharing it won't affect their life or well being in negative ways that they can't remedy. Children don't alway understand this. They may fear their toys being taken away completely, broken or changed in some way they don't like, or they won't be able to access it later if they want it. 

My definition of forced sharing is forcibly taking a toy away from a protesting child to give to the other, this is a step further than just telling him it's nice to share and leave him to it if he resists. It doesn't teach "social awareness" or "nice people share", it's the opposite of nice. If someone forcibly take someone else's possession in the adult world, that's not sharing, that's stealing. 

But let's say it's a public place where the objects are not anyone's possessions. Say you're sitting at a bench having your lunch and someone else comes along who needs a seat too, do you finish your lunch first or do you give the seat away right then? You might say you'll eat your lunch faster so other people will get to sit soon but children don't always understand the concept of time. Now hurry as you might, what if a guard comes along and shove you off before you're done? Is that the kind of "sharing" you think your kid should learn?

We don't have to force our kids to "share" to teach them to do it. In fact, if you have to force, you are not teaching it. They learn by watching us, by becoming more secured about their possessions and their ability to control their world, i.e I can get more sweets/crisps/food/toys/ whatever afterward if I want to so it's more socially beneficial to be nice to my friends by sharing then to hoard these things. When someone doesn't feel secure enough to share, maybe show a little empathy instead of labelling them as selfish right away. 




OP, to answer your question, if you're going to their house, the other kid's mum is going to feel a certain amount of host's responsibility so she's going to try harder to make sure your child gets to play with the toys. This is what happens when I go to my in-laws, but being family, I can just tell my SIL that it's fine, to let my niece have her toys and distract my son with something else. If other kids come to my house, I distract them with something else and play with them like it's the most fun toy ever. When he's older, I'll make the expectation clear that when we invite other kids to our house, as the hosts, we need to share the toys (that we left out for play), but I still wouldn't forcibly take something from him in the moment.


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## Wriggley

RaspberryK said:


> There are very few things I wouldn't share with my friends, therefore I try to encourage sharing with ds except obviously particularly special items.
> I won't tolerate snatching and don't necessarily like to do the whole "in turns" thing unless it's a slide or something that is really for in turns, I always say wait until so and so has done playing and find something else or play together if the object allows.
> But I honestly can't abide "hoarders" children who gather up toys and not allow the other one to play with anything like some kind if dominant ownership these are mine kind of way or snatching/whining for a toy that the other has and as soon as they have it wants the next item.
> Xx

I agree with this :) - I dont really do the take turns thing either.... if one of my boys wants a toy that another child has i will tell them to wait until that child has finished and encourage them to say 'please can i play with that once you have finished'. no time limit. If a child wanted to play with a toy my son had I would let my son know that the other child would like to play with it and when hes finished please could he pass the toy onto that child. again no time limit. 

if he was deliberately holding onto a toy that he didnt want to play with but was holding just because he knew the other kid wanted it (though hes NEVER done this) thats completely different and I would make him give the toy up.


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## catty

Am I the only one that HATES sharing with my friends. 
I once gave my friend my whole summer wardrobe as she couldnt afford any new clothes for her holiday and never ever seen it again despite asking several times. 
I once let a friend borrow my makeup on a night out and I endedup with a coldsore.
Iv leant dvds and random things and just never see any of it again. So I choose not to share, if I give someone something I tell them to keep it as I know it wont irritate me that way.

as for the 'forced sharing' I thought it sounded silly to start with but I actually agree with the concept. I think they shiuld share but I wouldnt grab a toy off my son when he was hysterical so that he would be seen to be sharing, id say hes just finishing playing with it you can have it soon
I wiuld use my judgement with each individual situation though.


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## w8ing4bean

kissesandhugs said:


> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
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> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
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> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
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> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?Click to expand...
> 
> One could also ask why you would bring your child up to not understand or recognize appropriate boundaries or how to respect another person's feelings.Click to expand...
> 
> Bit rude!Click to expand...
> 
> I'm sorry but how is that rude? She asked the same question you did but from her point of view? If that's the case, your question was also rude.Click to expand...

She basically implied i am not bringing my daughter up to respect others feelings just because i teach her to share ?!


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## MommyJogger

w8ing4bean said:


> kissesandhugs said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> w8ing4bean said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I'll be honest - I don't really grasp the whole 'forced sharing' thing as being a concept... Surely sharing is just something nice people do and we, as adults, encourage our children to do this from a young age? So what if my kid doesn't want to share his toys - it isn't going to kill him if I tell him he should! My view is that it teaches him that things like sharing really are non negotiable - nice people share; selfish people don't share. Am I missing the point? :shrug:
> 
> Exactly, why would u not bring your child up to share and play with others?Click to expand...
> 
> One could also ask why you would bring your child up to not understand or recognize appropriate boundaries or how to respect another person's feelings.Click to expand...
> 
> Bit rude!Click to expand...
> 
> I'm sorry but how is that rude? She asked the same question you did but from her point of view? If that's the case, your question was also rude.Click to expand...
> 
> She basically implied i am not bringing my daughter up to respect others feelings just because i teach her to share ?!Click to expand...

You implied she's not bringing her daughter up to share and play with others...


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## w8ing4bean

Crikey im not the only one on this thread who doesnt agree with it im not here to cause an argument


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## kissesandhugs

w8ing4bean said:


> Crikey im not the only one on this thread who doesnt agree with it im not here to cause an argument

Not agreeing and debating the topic is different than calling someone rude for having a different view. It's really not a big deal, this thread has been decent so should keep it going that way.


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## leoniebabey

honestly i think people way over think these 'concepts'

if we have friends over all toys are shared and i make my two share, they will be learned to share at nursery and school also!

If one wants a toy another wants generally i distract until the toy becomes available again but i have removed toys from them to give to others in the event that they are taking over multiple toys and being plain spiteful, or not sharing a toy which can be shared such as blocks or for example if they have the happyland sets out.
I think learning kids to share is an important part of life theres nothing worse than spiteful kids.


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## w8ing4bean

Christ sorry for having an opinion then. Maybe she should have worded it differently. Im not commenting anymore im not an argument starter honestly!!


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## lovelylaura

I think these things are so over thought and everyone thinks you should have a set rule for every situation. Just go with the flow. I don't force the girls to share and I dont tolerate snatching however if poppy has friends over and she was playing with a toy for an excessive amount of time I would encourage her to play with something else and let the other children play with it. I take each situation as it comes and with a 2year old and 3 year old it happens a lot. Really I think you just need to let these things go. If they come over to play a lot then they clearly don't have a problem that you don't force her to share and vice versa.


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## MommyJogger

I think the way the thread went is pretty revealing to WHY the original post is a really good question. Because it's not enough to just tell another mom "Hey, just so you know, we don't do 'forced sharing', so please don't feel obligated to tell your daughter to give mine a toy she's playing with". Because that kind of fyi garners responses like "Why don't you want your daughter to share?" and "But sharing is important, there's nothing worse than spiteful kids." and other things indicating that they think the OP is trying to stunt her daughter socially and not teaching sharing at all, rather than the appropriate response of "Oh hey, this mom uses a different method than me to teach sharing, let's best think how we can accommodate both our styles when our children play together".


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## HKateH

MommyJogger said:


> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I always offer sweets, crisps, food yes. If a friend asks to borrow something then I will be as accommodating as possible. Over my 29 years I have become confident in sharing as part of relationships and society. No I wouldn't necessarily lend my most expensive piece of jewellery out but then most socially aware adults wouldn't ask to borrow. I shall be bringing my child up with the social awareness enabling him to understand that you don't _ask_ to share everything someone else has. I won't, however, be teaching him that 'You don't have to share darling if it makes you uncomfortable'... Share the damn toy Myles; do unto others and all that...
> 
> *Sounds awfully dogmatic to me!*
> 
> How are people still not understanding the difference here? You _choose _to be generous. You were not _forced _to offer food. If your boss followed you home and told you to hand over the rest of the candy bar you were eating, _then _it would be equivalent to the sharing that gets forced on kids.
> As for "do unto others", how many times does it have to be said that we are not anti-sharing? We want our kids to share and develop a keen sense of generosity just as much as you. We just believe that _this _way is more effective and there's research into early childhood development that supports it. It's not some hippie idea we pulled out of our butts.
> https://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2013/08/16/0956797613482335.abstract
> Do you know what dogmatic means? How is free choice (sometimes we share, sometimes we take turns, sometimes our things are only for us) more dogmatic than "we share. period. whether you like it or not."?Click to expand...

How awfully patronising of you!

Honestly, I'm not accusing you (or anyone) of being anti sharing; I'm simply baffled by this whole thing being a concept. Theories and sources do not make good parents or a well rounded child - I don't understand why this concept even exists to be discussed - to me it is a sign of overthought into something that cannot be followed as a process. Children and adults are largely autonomous in their actions and reactions, therefore every situation should be assessed independently - some scenarios may call for sharing; others may not. Why does it need to be labelled?!


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## leoniebabey

i just don't understand how it's a 'style' at all and think it's slightly ridiculous. 
I would be mortified if someone thought my kids were spiteful so from a young age have taught them to share, i can't think of why anyone wouldn't want that.
I really don't get all these new parenting things at all, they werent around years ago and people turned out just fine.


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## MommyJogger

HKateH said:


> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HKateH said:
> 
> 
> I always offer sweets, crisps, food yes. If a friend asks to borrow something then I will be as accommodating as possible. Over my 29 years I have become confident in sharing as part of relationships and society. No I wouldn't necessarily lend my most expensive piece of jewellery out but then most socially aware adults wouldn't ask to borrow. I shall be bringing my child up with the social awareness enabling him to understand that you don't _ask_ to share everything someone else has. I won't, however, be teaching him that 'You don't have to share darling if it makes you uncomfortable'... Share the damn toy Myles; do unto others and all that...
> 
> *Sounds awfully dogmatic to me!*
> 
> How are people still not understanding the difference here? You _choose _to be generous. You were not _forced _to offer food. If your boss followed you home and told you to hand over the rest of the candy bar you were eating, _then _it would be equivalent to the sharing that gets forced on kids.
> As for "do unto others", how many times does it have to be said that we are not anti-sharing? We want our kids to share and develop a keen sense of generosity just as much as you. We just believe that _this _way is more effective and there's research into early childhood development that supports it. It's not some hippie idea we pulled out of our butts.
> https://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2013/08/16/0956797613482335.abstract
> Do you know what dogmatic means? How is free choice (sometimes we share, sometimes we take turns, sometimes our things are only for us) more dogmatic than "we share. period. whether you like it or not."?Click to expand...
> 
> How awfully patronising of you!
> 
> Honestly, I'm not accusing you (or anyone) of being anti sharing; I'm simply baffled by this whole thing being a concept. Theories and sources do not make good parents or a well rounded child - I don't understand why this concept even exists to be discussed - to me it is a sign of overthought into something that cannot be followed as a process. Children and adults are largely autonomous in their actions and reactions, therefore every situation should be assessed independently - some scenarios may call for sharing; others may not. Why does it need to be labelled?!Click to expand...

Some of us enjoy reading about ECD research. It's not "overthinking" things to apply what you learn about children into raising your child. Forcing sharing is overthinking it to me-- I see it as a socially-approved helicopter habit. Not forcing sharing likely IS the original concept-- back before we had time to actually watch kids closely enough to do much more than prevent death and maiming, much less give a crap whether they let other kids play with the stick they found. It gets labelled because labels are useful when we communicate. It's also not much of a label as much as a description. Besides, who cares if someone else overthinks their parenting? Better than underthinking it, right?


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## felix555

I think those that are against forced sharing are not against sharing just trying to work towards ways to ENCOURAGE sharing rather than force it?

Although the OP's post comes across a bit like she doesn't want her child to share at all which I don't think is what she means ... or maybe it is. Who knows.


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## MommyJogger

leoniebabey said:


> i just don't understand how it's a 'style' at all and think it's slightly ridiculous.
> I would be mortified if someone thought my kids were spiteful so from a young age have taught them to share, i can't think of why anyone wouldn't want that.
> I really don't get all these new parenting things at all, they werent around years ago and people turned out just fine.

We do this because it has been demonstrated that forcing a child to share _delays _their ability to share independently and makes them _less willing_ to share long-term. Age-appropriate behaviors aren't "spiteful" and what other people think of our kids should never come before our kids' development and what they think of themselves. We do it because we believe it to be more effective in raising sharing children than the methods that involve forcing them to share. 
Frankly, I think a lot of the time when people force their kids to share, they're less concerned about what their child is actually learning and more concerned about what random people think in public. 
1. Seriously, are kids more likely to do what you say or to do what you do? 
2. What are you doing? You're using your authority or your might to take something from someone smaller than you or to bully them into handing it over themselves. 
3. So if they do what you do and not what you say, what does that mean they're learning to do? They're learning that might makes right, that stronger people can take things from weaker people, that bullying is okay in some circumstances, and that "sharing" is something they don't enjoy.


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## alex_22

MommyJogger said:


> I think the way the thread went is pretty revealing to WHY the original post is a really good question. Because it's not enough to just tell another mom "Hey, just so you know, we don't do 'forced sharing', so please don't feel obligated to tell your daughter to give mine a toy she's playing with". Because that kind of fyi garners responses like "Why don't you want your daughter to share?" and "But sharing is important, there's nothing worse than spiteful kids." and other things indicating that they think the OP is trying to stunt her daughter socially and not teaching sharing at all, rather than the appropriate response of "Oh hey, this mom uses a different method than me to teach sharing, let's best think how we can accommodate both our styles when our children play together".

As Felix has just explained the way the original post came across was that way I certainly thought that until it was explained, but your accusing people of assuming people that don't make their children share are making them spiteful but your accusing parents that choose a different way of teaching how to share as being some kind of horrible monster that thinks their children's wants and needs are so much less important then their own which isn't the case at all and it's a pretty awful accusation to make its bound to get their backs up.

Each to their own, everyone has their own ways of doing it ALL with their child's best interest at heart


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## leoniebabey

oh my days no, no it doesn't, im done with this.
The way i see it kids need to be taught authority, it's not bullying it's saying i am the parent and your the child, my son would love to rule the roost and have his own way, i don't allow this and do make him share, it's learning kids good life lessons. Lifes tough and you dont get everything you want and everything to go your way. If he wants to pout about that then so be it but in all honesty he's pretty good at sharing, he has his moments like all kids but i'm quite proud at how well he does share when we are out and about.

You can teach kids to share and not make it something not enjoyable and bullying IMO!i think that's quite judgey to say people that do 'bully' their kids! If my son was hoarding a bunch of toys then 100% i would take some for the other children, same as if he was hogging something for the majority of the time.


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## AngelUK

MommyJogger said:


> Some of us enjoy reading about ECD research. It's not "overthinking" things to apply what you learn about children into raising your child. Forcing sharing is overthinking it to me-- I see it as a socially-approved helicopter habit. Not forcing sharing likely IS the original concept-- back before we had time to actually watch kids closely enough to do much more than prevent death and maiming, much less give a crap whether they let other kids play with the stick they found. It gets labelled because labels are useful when we communicate. It's also not much of a label as much as a description. Besides, who cares if someone else overthinks their parenting? Better than underthinking it, right?

Hm back in the time when kids played unsupervised with sticks, they would revert back to their instincts, which are pretty Darwinist if you ask me and that is definitely not fair or the way I want to bring up my children.


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## MommyJogger

leoniebabey said:


> oh my days no, no it doesn't, im done with this.
> The way i see it kids need to be taught authority, it's not bullying it's saying i am the parent and your the child, my son would love to rule the roost and have his own way, i don't allow this and do make him share, it's learning kids good life lessons. Lifes tough and you dont get everything you want and everything to go your way. If he wants to pout about that then so be it but in all honesty he's pretty good at sharing, he has his moments like all kids but i'm quite proud at how well he does share when we are out and about.
> 
> You can teach kids to share and not make it something not enjoyable and bullying IMO!i think that's quite judgey to say people that do 'bully' their kids! If my son was hoarding a bunch of toys then 100% i would take some for the other children, same as if he was hogging something for the majority of the time.

Not that I'm against being judgey, but I think it's judgry to say "I teach my kids to share. I don't want them to be spiteful.", implying we don't teach them to share and that they must be spiteful because of it, when multiple people have re-iterated that we do teach sharing. just not by forcing them to share.


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## pinklightbulb

Omg is this actually a debate?

Sometimes it's me that doesn't want to share my kid's toy, when it's expensive and could get broken by another child whose parent won't necessarily cough up for it if that happens. So if the kids are being rowdy I remove the toy or just don't bring it out at all. If there are other toys to play with it shouldn't be a big deal if it's just one/ a couple of toys that are out of bounds for sharing.


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## morri

Hi What some may not get is that children are inherently social. So often kids get touted as having to be told how to do things, but kids mostly learn by watching people around them and interaction with other people. kids love to make other people happy. If you trust your child on these decisions you'll be surprised.


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## twobecome3

interesting thread! 

unless the situation becomes violent I tend to hang back and see what happens. my girl is not quite two yet so it hasn't really been an issue - if she cant have something or something gets taken from her she moves on to the next very quickly.


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## MommyJogger

AngelUK said:


> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> Some of us enjoy reading about ECD research. It's not "overthinking" things to apply what you learn about children into raising your child. Forcing sharing is overthinking it to me-- I see it as a socially-approved helicopter habit. Not forcing sharing likely IS the original concept-- back before we had time to actually watch kids closely enough to do much more than prevent death and maiming, much less give a crap whether they let other kids play with the stick they found. It gets labelled because labels are useful when we communicate. It's also not much of a label as much as a description. Besides, who cares if someone else overthinks their parenting? Better than underthinking it, right?
> 
> Hm back in the time when kids played unsupervised with sticks, they would revert back to their instincts, which are pretty Darwinist if you ask me and that is definitely not fair or the way I want to bring up my children.Click to expand...

And yet for millennia, the children who were raised this way grew into adults that functioned much more cooperatively and community-based in society than we do today. The generations that were forced to share as children have grown into adults that don't like to see other people getting food and healthcare if they had to contribute even a small percent of their own wealth to help fund it, so obviously the actual long-term sharing message has been lost somewhere.


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## AngelUK

I am guessing you were not bullied by stronger children when you were growing up. Good for you. 
I think yours is a bit of a blanket statement. First of all, you are implying that humanity was kinder in the previous millennia than now, which is frankly a rather hair raising statement. 
Secondly, if you were correct, then all ex-communist state inhabitants would now be greedy selfish capitalists of the worst kind. And yet to the contrary most of them still tend to vote socialist cause they in fact DO want to have all the social wellfare that this brings.

But just to make one thing clear, I am not for forced sharing. I totally agree that some toys are too precious for everyone to play with. But I would not let my boys hoard ALL their toys if they had someone over for a playdate.


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## Babybear85

I'm.genuinely interested in both sides of this. Ive recently signed my son up to nursery and it's a monassauri nursery. I was reading and researching it all and part of thier policy is no forced sharing. It conspires that's pretty much how I do things in.regard to sharing and I didn't even realise it. With two toddlers it's pretty much a daily thing. What I noticed though recently is I don't really have to ask my eldest to share that much he's pretty good with it anyway of course we have bad days if he's tired or unwell but at a month under three I think.it's amazing to me that he offers everything to anyone, he'll offer his little brother his favourite stuffed animals if the mood takes, food, toys and I don't even have to ask him he already does it. Was I just a bit luckier in that he's happy to share, is it because he's already got a Brother so soon as there's only fifteen months inbetween or is it because unbeknown to me I don't practice forced sharing instead I've always suggested turn taking and distraction just by accident I don't know but the face thier arw nurseries who've cottoned on to it intereges me tbh therw must be known.researched evidence that it works


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## MommyJogger

Babybear85 said:


> I'm.genuinely interested in both sides of this. Ive recently signed my son up to nursery and it's a monassauri nursery. I was reading and researching it all and part of thier policy is no forced sharing. It conspires that's pretty much how I do things in.regard to sharing and I didn't even realise it. With two toddlers it's pretty much a daily thing. What I noticed though recently is I don't really have to ask my eldest to share that much he's pretty good with it anyway of course we have bad days if he's tired or unwell but at a month under three I think.it's amazing to me that he offers everything to anyone, he'll offer his little brother his favourite stuffed animals if the mood takes, food, toys and I don't even have to ask him he already does it. Was I just a bit luckier in that he's happy to share, is it because he's already got a Brother so soon as there's only fifteen months inbetween or is it because unbeknown to me I don't practice forced sharing instead I've always suggested turn taking and distraction just by accident I don't know but the face thier arw nurseries who've cottoned on to it intereges me tbh therw must be known.researched evidence that it works

The lab/research-based daycares at our university do the same-- no forced sharing, child-led turn-taking. 

Also wanted to add (not to you, to other posters who have commented on this) that no one, whether they practice forced sharing or not, allows their children to take every toy and not let other kids play with them, but we don't take them from our kids and give them to others. What we do in my home is sportscast the situation and try to help the child work through the obvious insecurities they're feeling. I'll say something like, "I see you have lots of trains there, and Suzy doesn't seem to have any trains. Is there a reason you don't want to share the trains with Suzy? (Lots of toddlers won't be able to respond, but it still models consideration for their feelings and acknowledges that there is a reason behind it, rather than labeling them as selfish or spiteful or insinuating that it's due to a character flaw rather than a situational emotion. And some toddlers will surprise you with a rather thought-through answer.) Would you like to pick a few of your trains you feel you can share with Suzy or would you like my help choosing trains you feel comfortable sharing? (And if it's a public space, an explanation about how the trains don't belong to us, that they're there for everyone's use, etc.)" For an older child (2.5+), I'll ask them what their plan is because most kids really like being able to formulate their own plans to problem-solve. Sometimes it's handing over a few trains, sometimes it's playing with all the trains for a few more minutes and handing them over then, sometimes just the opportunity to solve a problem means they hand over all the trains and then the other child can choose to share some back. If they can't work through it and find that they're comfortable sharing some of them and it's meltdown time, then something is usually really bothering the child anyway and for us, that means it's time to sit down with a soothing activity we can use to reconnect. A child that feels secure and connected, who isn't working through some other negative emotions maybe not even related to the toy or the other child, is going to WANT to collaborate to solve problems. I've been a temporary child carer since I stopped working, while I was pregnant before finding a more permanent nannying job because I didn't want to get hired by someone long-term just to have to go on maternity leave. So I've literally had dozens of children through our home because we were the stop-gap for people's unexpected circumstances before they could find a good daycare or a nanny or to get a job to afford care or they were suddenly put on third shift at the local root vegetable factory and needed time to find anyone providing care in those hours. I have never come across a child who wasn't willing and happy to share once they realized they had the power of choice and respect for their decisions. And these were kids from the lowest socio-economic situations in our area (which admittedly doesn't come close to the lowest in the country, but is still considered substantially disadvantaged and who traditionally exhibit the "worst" behavior).


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## NoodleSnack

MommyJogger said:


> AngelUK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> Some of us enjoy reading about ECD research. It's not "overthinking" things to apply what you learn about children into raising your child. Forcing sharing is overthinking it to me-- I see it as a socially-approved helicopter habit. Not forcing sharing likely IS the original concept-- back before we had time to actually watch kids closely enough to do much more than prevent death and maiming, much less give a crap whether they let other kids play with the stick they found. It gets labelled because labels are useful when we communicate. It's also not much of a label as much as a description. Besides, who cares if someone else overthinks their parenting? Better than underthinking it, right?
> 
> Hm back in the time when kids played unsupervised with sticks, they would revert back to their instincts, which are pretty Darwinist if you ask me and that is definitely not fair or the way I want to bring up my children.Click to expand...
> 
> And yet for millennia, the children who were raised this way grew into adults that functioned much more cooperatively and community-based in society than we do today. The generations that were forced to share as children have grown into adults that don't like to see other people getting food and healthcare if they had to contribute even a small percent of their own wealth to help fund it, so obviously the actual long-term sharing message has been lost somewhere.Click to expand...


You're stretching it. In the history of the world, when has there ever been socialised healthcare for hundreds of millions of people? In the US, conservatives who are more likely to be against sociaslised healthcare also tend to donate more, albeit to religious organisations, but which also do a lot of charitable work. 

Just saying, polical science is more nuanced than "people who don't want socialised healthcare don't know how to share." 

I am pro-welfare btw and love NZ system. I guess this thread might be going to News & Debates soon.


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## iiTTCii

When I was looking at this a few months ago, I read this article and I decided I was against forced sharing:

As soon as children are old enough to walk, we expect them to share. I prefer putting &#8220;share&#8221; in quotes, since this type of sharing is usually forced by the adult. Our goals are noble: kindness, generosity, awareness of others. Unfortunately, our approach backfires.

Kids learn more life skills &#8211;and develop better generosity&#8211;when they aren&#8217;t forced to share.

Of course, sharing squabbles happen all the time between kids. Here&#8217;s a typical scene: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says: &#8220;Be nice and share your toys,&#8221; or &#8220;Give Ella the pony. You&#8217;ve had it a long time.&#8221; What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play gets interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. It&#8217;s the parent who&#8217;s sharing here, not the child.

Traditional sharing expects kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we don&#8217;t do this ourselves. Imagine being on your cell phone when somebody suddenly comes up and asks for your phone or takes it from you. &#8220;I need to make a phone call,&#8221; he says. Would you get mad? As adults, we expect people to wait their turn. We might gladly lend our phone to a friend or even a stranger, but we want them to wait until we&#8217;re done. The same should apply to kids: let the child keep a toy until she&#8217;s &#8220;all done.&#8221; It&#8217;s turn-taking. It&#8217;s sharing. But the key is it&#8217;s child-directed turn-taking.

Positive assertiveness

Here&#8217;s what it looks like in real life. Instead of YOU saying &#8220;Five more minutes, then it&#8217;s Ella&#8217;s turn&#8221; or &#8220;I&#8217;m going to set the timer,&#8221; teach your child to say &#8220;You can have it when I&#8217;m done.&#8221; This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries on other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us as adults have trouble saying &#8220;no?&#8221;

True Generosity and Awareness of Others

When the first child drops the toy and moves on, remind her that Ella&#8217;s waiting for a turn (a great lesson in courtesy and awareness of others). The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy&#8212;it&#8217;s a joyous moment for both kids. That&#8217;s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. It&#8217;s true generosity. It&#8217;s a warm feeling. One she&#8217;ll want to repeat over and over &#8211; whether a parent is watching or not.

Emotional Impulse Control

What about the waiting child? Waiting is hard, especially for impulsive 2-6 year olds, but just like assertiveness, waiting is an excellent life skill. It&#8217;s OK for the waiting child to feel frustrated, sad or angry for a time. Don&#8217;t be afraid of a few foot stompings or tears. Learning to control behavior and express intense feelings appropriately is really the main job of early childhood. Impulse control (waiting for a toy and not grabbing) is a vital part of brain development and gets stronger through practice. The more practice kids get, the better. Sharing through turn-taking provides excellent practice.

Life is much more relaxing when you stop playing referee. Throw away your timer. Kids pick up the new method quickly, because it&#8217;s fair and simple. Let kids keep a toy until they are &#8220;all done.&#8221;


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## HKateH

iiTTCii said:


> When I was looking at this a few months ago, I read this article and I decided I was against forced sharing:
> 
> As soon as children are old enough to walk, we expect them to share. I prefer putting share in quotes, since this type of sharing is usually forced by the adult. Our goals are noble: kindness, generosity, awareness of others. Unfortunately, our approach backfires.
> 
> Kids learn more life skills and develop better generositywhen they arent forced to share.
> 
> Of course, sharing squabbles happen all the time between kids. Heres a typical scene: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says: Be nice and share your toys, or Give Ella the pony. Youve had it a long time. What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play gets interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. Its the parent whos sharing here, not the child.
> 
> Traditional sharing expects kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we dont do this ourselves. Imagine being on your cell phone when somebody suddenly comes up and asks for your phone or takes it from you. I need to make a phone call, he says. Would you get mad? As adults, we expect people to wait their turn. We might gladly lend our phone to a friend or even a stranger, but we want them to wait until were done. The same should apply to kids: let the child keep a toy until shes all done. Its turn-taking. Its sharing. But the key is its child-directed turn-taking.
> 
> Positive assertiveness
> 
> Heres what it looks like in real life. Instead of YOU saying Five more minutes, then its Ellas turn or Im going to set the timer, teach your child to say You can have it when Im done. This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries on other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us as adults have trouble saying no?
> 
> True Generosity and Awareness of Others
> 
> When the first child drops the toy and moves on, remind her that Ellas waiting for a turn (a great lesson in courtesy and awareness of others). The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toyits a joyous moment for both kids. Thats the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. Its true generosity. Its a warm feeling. One shell want to repeat over and over  whether a parent is watching or not.
> 
> Emotional Impulse Control
> 
> What about the waiting child? Waiting is hard, especially for impulsive 2-6 year olds, but just like assertiveness, waiting is an excellent life skill. Its OK for the waiting child to feel frustrated, sad or angry for a time. Dont be afraid of a few foot stompings or tears. Learning to control behavior and express intense feelings appropriately is really the main job of early childhood. Impulse control (waiting for a toy and not grabbing) is a vital part of brain development and gets stronger through practice. The more practice kids get, the better. Sharing through turn-taking provides excellent practice.
> 
> Life is much more relaxing when you stop playing referee. Throw away your timer. Kids pick up the new method quickly, because its fair and simple. Let kids keep a toy until they are all done.

Thank you for the indepth explanation. I now have a much more comprehensive understanding of what this thread is about and it makes me feel _more_ justified in my initial reaction. I have this decided that it is absolute bullshit. I'm unsubscribing to this thread as each and every 'against forced sharing' response makes me shiver at the thought of what too much time and an over reliance upon Doctor Google leads to. There is so much more I could say on this subject but I really feel there is no point.


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## emyandpotato

MommyJogger said:


> AngelUK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MommyJogger said:
> 
> 
> Some of us enjoy reading about ECD research. It's not "overthinking" things to apply what you learn about children into raising your child. Forcing sharing is overthinking it to me-- I see it as a socially-approved helicopter habit. Not forcing sharing likely IS the original concept-- back before we had time to actually watch kids closely enough to do much more than prevent death and maiming, much less give a crap whether they let other kids play with the stick they found. It gets labelled because labels are useful when we communicate. It's also not much of a label as much as a description. Besides, who cares if someone else overthinks their parenting? Better than underthinking it, right?
> 
> Hm back in the time when kids played unsupervised with sticks, they would revert back to their instincts, which are pretty Darwinist if you ask me and that is definitely not fair or the way I want to bring up my children.Click to expand...
> 
> *And yet for millennia, the children who were raised this way grew into adults that functioned much more cooperatively and community-based in society than we do today. *The generations that were forced to share as children have grown into adults that don't like to see other people getting food and healthcare if they had to contribute even a small percent of their own wealth to help fund it, so obviously the actual long-term sharing message has been lost somewhere.Click to expand...

Not at all true. We see the best of the past and idolise it and that's why people say stupid things like "what has humanity come to" and "the good old days", but in fact we're certainly improving overall as a society; we have governments that in some ways help those less fortunate than others, numerous charities etc. etc. In fact, overall we are sharing in one way or another far more than, say, 200 years ago. Maybe this isn't because of the good nature of humans in power so much and more because of the rising power of lower classes, that's debatable, but it's totally incorrect to assume a false past and say things used to be great and everyone shared and now everyone is bitter and we've only gone backwards. 

And I can kind of see the sense in the not forcing sharing thing, so not disagreeing there, but your comment simply isn't true.


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## MommyJogger

emyandpotato said:


> Not at all true. We see the best of the past and idolise it and that's why people say stupid things like "what has humanity come to" and "the good old days", but in fact we're certainly improving overall as a society; we have governments that in some ways help those less fortunate than others, numerous charities etc. etc. In fact, overall we are sharing in one way or another far more than, say, 200 years ago. Maybe this isn't because of the good nature of humans in power so much and more because of the rising power of lower classes, that's debatable, but it's totally incorrect to assume a false past and say things used to be great and everyone shared and now everyone is bitter and we've only gone backwards.
> 
> And I can kind of see the sense in the not forcing sharing thing, so not disagreeing there, but your comment simply isn't true.

Oh the past sucked. And I'm thinking closer to 12,000+ years ago. It still sucked, but we worked cooperatively or we would have died out. I'm not saying that their sharing policy in childhood is what caused it either. All I was really saying is that there was a point in human history where intense sharing and social goodwill was necessary for survival and they grew into humans who managed that without their mothers standing over them with a stopwatch app telling them how much longer they had to play with a rock before their turn was over.


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## MommyJogger

HKateH said:


> Thank you for the indepth explanation. I now have a much more comprehensive understanding of what this thread is about and it makes me feel _more_ justified in my initial reaction. I have this decided that it is absolute bullshit. I'm unsubscribing to this thread as each and every 'against forced sharing' response makes me shiver at the thought of what too much time and an over reliance upon Doctor Google leads to. There is so much more I could say on this subject but I really feel there is no point.

Then I guess it's good no one asked you. :thumbup:


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## emyandpotato

MommyJogger said:


> emyandpotato said:
> 
> 
> Not at all true. We see the best of the past and idolise it and that's why people say stupid things like "what has humanity come to" and "the good old days", but in fact we're certainly improving overall as a society; we have governments that in some ways help those less fortunate than others, numerous charities etc. etc. In fact, overall we are sharing in one way or another far more than, say, 200 years ago. Maybe this isn't because of the good nature of humans in power so much and more because of the rising power of lower classes, that's debatable, but it's totally incorrect to assume a false past and say things used to be great and everyone shared and now everyone is bitter and we've only gone backwards.
> 
> And I can kind of see the sense in the not forcing sharing thing, so not disagreeing there, but your comment simply isn't true.
> 
> Oh the past sucked. And I'm thinking closer to 12,000+ years ago. It still sucked, but we worked cooperatively or we would have died out. I'm not saying that their sharing policy in childhood is what caused it either. All I was really saying is that there was a point in human history where intense sharing and social goodwill was necessary for survival and they grew into humans who managed that without their mothers standing over them with a stopwatch app telling them how much longer they had to play with a rock before their turn was over.Click to expand...

Yes, but we haven't lost the basic instinct/understanding of the necessity to share. Early humans weren't more willing to share. Yes food and work was shared but if contemporary humans were forced to go back to basics food and work would be shared in the same way, out of necessity and instinct. Contemporary society is so vastly different and presents so many new challenges to instinct and behaviour, as well as a greater understanding of morality (thus we know it's good to teach generosity and kindness) that it can't be compared, and human nature/things necessary to survival 12000 years ago can't be reasonably compared to humans today: They were not more moral/more willing to share, simply lived in different circumstances, therefore their lack of any taught sharing is totally irrelevant.


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## YoshiPikachu

iiTTCii said:


> When I was looking at this a few months ago, I read this article and I decided I was against forced sharing:
> 
> As soon as children are old enough to walk, we expect them to share. I prefer putting share in quotes, since this type of sharing is usually forced by the adult. Our goals are noble: kindness, generosity, awareness of others. Unfortunately, our approach backfires.
> 
> Kids learn more life skills and develop better generositywhen they arent forced to share.
> 
> Of course, sharing squabbles happen all the time between kids. Heres a typical scene: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says: Be nice and share your toys, or Give Ella the pony. Youve had it a long time. What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play gets interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. Its the parent whos sharing here, not the child.
> 
> Traditional sharing expects kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we dont do this ourselves. Imagine being on your cell phone when somebody suddenly comes up and asks for your phone or takes it from you. I need to make a phone call, he says. Would you get mad? As adults, we expect people to wait their turn. We might gladly lend our phone to a friend or even a stranger, but we want them to wait until were done. The same should apply to kids: let the child keep a toy until shes all done. Its turn-taking. Its sharing. But the key is its child-directed turn-taking.
> 
> Positive assertiveness
> 
> Heres what it looks like in real life. Instead of YOU saying Five more minutes, then its Ellas turn or Im going to set the timer, teach your child to say You can have it when Im done. This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries on other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us as adults have trouble saying no?
> 
> True Generosity and Awareness of Others
> 
> When the first child drops the toy and moves on, remind her that Ellas waiting for a turn (a great lesson in courtesy and awareness of others). The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toyits a joyous moment for both kids. Thats the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. Its true generosity. Its a warm feeling. One shell want to repeat over and over  whether a parent is watching or not.
> 
> Emotional Impulse Control
> 
> What about the waiting child? Waiting is hard, especially for impulsive 2-6 year olds, but just like assertiveness, waiting is an excellent life skill. Its OK for the waiting child to feel frustrated, sad or angry for a time. Dont be afraid of a few foot stompings or tears. Learning to control behavior and express intense feelings appropriately is really the main job of early childhood. Impulse control (waiting for a toy and not grabbing) is a vital part of brain development and gets stronger through practice. The more practice kids get, the better. Sharing through turn-taking provides excellent practice.
> 
> Life is much more relaxing when you stop playing referee. Throw away your timer. Kids pick up the new method quickly, because its fair and simple. Let kids keep a toy until they are all done.

Love this!


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## AnneD

SarahBear said:


> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing?
> .

I was in this situation recently and I very nearly applauded them, to be honest. A kid of about 3.5 (so more than a good year older than mine) came over to ours to play with mine and that kid would not share. Worse still, she would not share my kid's toys with her, so by the time her mother finally 'forced her to share' I was more than a bit fed up with the attitude. We went outside at first to draw on the pavement because the sun was out. I brought a bucket of maxi chalks, set it down so that both kids could help themselves as needed and when my kid came to choose a chalk the other one snatched the whole bucket and wouldn't let her, shrieking all the while that all the chalks were hers and my child wasn't allowed to have any. Then she tried to stop my child drawing on the pavement and said she was only allowed on the grass. When we were inside, shrieks of 'miiiine' were all that was heard. My kid went to play with her Lego, the other one came and snatched. She took something else, that was snatched. A car was snatched, my kid went to build something with the blocks that weren't being used, the other kid went to snatch that saying that it was hers. The other mother was trying weakly with the whole 'Oh you really like this toy. You don't want to share it with X' stuff and all she was getting back was 'Yes! That's mine! She can't have it!' My kid invited the other to play with balloons. There were 15 and the other kid wasn't letting mine touch a single one. After a couple popped because she was throwing herself on whichever one my kid tried to touch, I confiscated them because I was so fed up with the other mother just watching. Felt tip pens? The other kid tried to hog the whole box. Teddies? 'Miiiine, miiine, miiine, miiiine!' All the explanations (by me) that there is enough for both of them, that my kid was happy for the other one to play with her teddies but she'd like to play too, so could they please share, that my kid had something first, that we don't snatch, and so on, just didn't register. So yeah, by the time the other mother let go of the 'You don't want to share this toy. Is there anything you could share' spiel (the answer to which, by the way, was 'no') and said it was my kid's turn to play with something that had been snatched from her a few seconds ago, I was ready to applaud her. Sharing is an important part of life and while I don't force my kid to hand over a toy the moment someone else wants it, I do teach her to not hog things and to share.


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## Larkspur

HKateH said:


> I'm unsubscribing to this thread as each and every 'against forced sharing' response makes me shiver at the thought of what *too much time and an over reliance upon Doctor Google leads to. *There is so much more I could say on this subject but I really feel there is no point.

Most people who use the no-forced-sharing approach come across the concept through a coherent, singular philosophy like RIE or Peaceful Parenting, not through hours of paranoid web-trawling, like you are suggesting.

If the approach doesn't suit you, fine, don't use it. But is there any need to paint everyone who thinks it's worthwhile as a hysterical, uncritical idiot living a pitiful and empty life?

To be honest, I fully understand why SarahBear left her own thread pages ago. She asked a very specific question and what she got in return was 10+ pages of people criticising (and misinterpreting) her parenting style, and not being even marginally helpful.


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## Natsku

AnneD said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing?
> .
> 
> I was in this situation recently and I very nearly applauded them, to be honest. A kid of about 3.5 (so more than a good year older than mine) came over to ours to play with mine and that kid would not share. Worse still, she would not share my kid's toys with her, so by the time her mother finally 'forced her to share' I was more than a bit fed up with the attitude. We went outside at first to draw on the pavement because the sun was out. I brought a bucket of maxi chalks, set it down so that both kids could help themselves as needed and when my kid came to choose a chalk the other one snatched the whole bucket and wouldn't let her, shrieking all the while that all the chalks were hers and my child wasn't allowed to have any. Then she tried to stop my child drawing on the pavement and said she was only allowed on the grass. When we were inside, shrieks of 'miiiine' were all that was heard. My kid went to play with her Lego, the other one came and snatched. She took something else, that was snatched. A car was snatched, my kid went to build something with the blocks that weren't being used, the other kid went to snatch that saying that it was hers. The other mother was trying weakly with the whole 'Oh you really like this toy. You don't want to share it with X' stuff and all she was getting back was 'Yes! That's mine! She can't have it!' My kid invited the other to play with balloons. There were 15 and the other kid wasn't letting mine touch a single one. After a couple popped because she was throwing herself on whichever one my kid tried to touch, I confiscated them because I was so fed up with the other mother just watching. Felt tip pens? The other kid tried to hog the whole box. Teddies? 'Miiiine, miiine, miiine, miiiine!' All the explanations (by me) that there is enough for both of them, that my kid was happy for the other one to play with her teddies but she'd like to play too, so could they please share, that my kid had something first, that we don't snatch, and so on, just didn't register. So yeah, by the time the other mother let go of the 'You don't want to share this toy. Is there anything you could share' spiel (the answer to which, by the way, was 'no') and said it was my kid's turn to play with something that had been snatched from her a few seconds ago, I was ready to applaud her. Sharing is an important part of life and while I don't force my kid to hand over a toy the moment someone else wants it, I do teach her to not hog things and to share.Click to expand...

Wow, I'm impressed that you put up with that so patiently! That poor child will soon find that other children don't want to play with her if she doesn't start sharing soon.


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## Larkspur

AnneD said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing?
> .
> 
> I was in this situation recently and I very nearly applauded them, to be honest. A kid of about 3.5 (so more than a good year older than mine) came over to ours to play with mine and that kid would not share. Worse still, she would not share my kid's toys with her, so by the time her mother finally 'forced her to share' I was more than a bit fed up with the attitude. We went outside at first to draw on the pavement because the sun was out. I brought a bucket of maxi chalks, set it down so that both kids could help themselves as needed and when my kid came to choose a chalk the other one snatched the whole bucket and wouldn't let her, shrieking all the while that all the chalks were hers and my child wasn't allowed to have any. Then she tried to stop my child drawing on the pavement and said she was only allowed on the grass. When we were inside, shrieks of 'miiiine' were all that was heard. My kid went to play with her Lego, the other one came and snatched. She took something else, that was snatched. A car was snatched, my kid went to build something with the blocks that weren't being used, the other kid went to snatch that saying that it was hers. The other mother was trying weakly with the whole 'Oh you really like this toy. You don't want to share it with X' stuff and all she was getting back was 'Yes! That's mine! She can't have it!' My kid invited the other to play with balloons. There were 15 and the other kid wasn't letting mine touch a single one. After a couple popped because she was throwing herself on whichever one my kid tried to touch, I confiscated them because I was so fed up with the other mother just watching. Felt tip pens? The other kid tried to hog the whole box. Teddies? 'Miiiine, miiine, miiine, miiiine!' All the explanations (by me) that there is enough for both of them, that my kid was happy for the other one to play with her teddies but she'd like to play too, so could they please share, that my kid had something first, that we don't snatch, and so on, just didn't register. So yeah, by the time the other mother let go of the 'You don't want to share this toy. Is there anything you could share' spiel (the answer to which, by the way, was 'no') and said it was my kid's turn to play with something that had been snatched from her a few seconds ago, I was ready to applaud her. Sharing is an important part of life and while I don't force my kid to hand over a toy the moment someone else wants it, I do teach her to not hog things and to share.Click to expand...

I think the problem here is not forced sharing vs no-forced sharing but a lack of clear boundaries. 

"The chalks and driveway are for everyone. You can choose some and X can choose some."

"X was playing with that. You can have a turn when she is finished." 

Easy. Returning something that has been snatched is a principle of non-forced sharing, and so is drawing clear play boundaries, rather than making flimsy pleas like, "Come on darling, please share, that's what nice children do."

After making those boundaries clear, if my kid was still screaming "Mine, miiiiine" and snatching, I would just take her home. She is obviously not in a good state for a play date.


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## NoodleSnack

AnneD said:


> SarahBear said:
> 
> 
> What do you do when someone forces their child to share with your child? And the child being forced is clearly protesting the sharing?
> .
> 
> I was in this situation recently and I very nearly applauded them, to be honest. A kid of about 3.5 (so more than a good year older than mine) came over to ours to play with mine and that kid would not share. Worse still, she would not share my kid's toys with her, so by the time her mother finally 'forced her to share' I was more than a bit fed up with the attitude. We went outside at first to draw on the pavement because the sun was out. I brought a bucket of maxi chalks, set it down so that both kids could help themselves as needed and when my kid came to choose a chalk the other one snatched the whole bucket and wouldn't let her, shrieking all the while that all the chalks were hers and my child wasn't allowed to have any. Then she tried to stop my child drawing on the pavement and said she was only allowed on the grass. When we were inside, shrieks of 'miiiine' were all that was heard. My kid went to play with her Lego, the other one came and snatched. She took something else, that was snatched. A car was snatched, my kid went to build something with the blocks that weren't being used, the other kid went to snatch that saying that it was hers. The other mother was trying weakly with the whole 'Oh you really like this toy. You don't want to share it with X' stuff and all she was getting back was 'Yes! That's mine! She can't have it!' My kid invited the other to play with balloons. There were 15 and the other kid wasn't letting mine touch a single one. After a couple popped because she was throwing herself on whichever one my kid tried to touch, I confiscated them because I was so fed up with the other mother just watching. Felt tip pens? The other kid tried to hog the whole box. Teddies? 'Miiiine, miiine, miiine, miiiine!' All the explanations (by me) that there is enough for both of them, that my kid was happy for the other one to play with her teddies but she'd like to play too, so could they please share, that my kid had something first, that we don't snatch, and so on, just didn't register. So yeah, by the time the other mother let go of the 'You don't want to share this toy. Is there anything you could share' spiel (the answer to which, by the way, was 'no') and said it was my kid's turn to play with something that had been snatched from her a few seconds ago, I was ready to applaud her. Sharing is an important part of life and while I don't force my kid to hand over a toy the moment someone else wants it, I do teach her to not hog things and to share.Click to expand...

Why do you let the other kid snatch from yours so many times? I'm not asking this as a rhetorical question. I'm genuinely curious about your rationale here. I read that you explained to him, but it still comes across as he gets to snatch again and again. To me, in that situation I feel it's up to me to speak up for my son since he's too young to do it himself and stand his ground. I understand it's a horrible situation for both parents but I don't think you should blame the child, it's what the adults are doing here. *Both* adults. If we are to teach them to be respectful of boundary, that means no snatching. On your daughter's side, don't you want to teach her to hold on to her things when it's unreasonable for someone else to take it away?To let the other child snatch from her is similiar to an adult snatching from her to "share" too.


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