# Does anyone find it hard to get excited for their pregnancy after their loss??



## ColorMeFamous

I'm 31 weeks, almost 32 weeks, and I know that she is more than likely going to make it but I just can't help thinking something is going to go wrong. I can't even buy her anything because I'm so paranoid. I had a miscarriage in July and she's due this July. Am I the only one??


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## usamom

No- not at all! I'm only 16 weeks but am still terrified. My last loss was a missed m/c. It was so traumatic and I suppose I didn't realize how much until now. I haven't bought a single thing and don't plan to anytime soon. Since I have no symptoms still- it's even harder for me. I kept thinking it would get better and still hasn't.

So yes- I do understand where you are! Hugs to you!


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you!! I'm so sorry you had to go through that :( it's almost been a year since my miscarriage and I still think about her everyday :( I thought this baby would help me get past my miscarriage, and in some ways it has, but not completely. I know there's a huge chance of miscarriage in any pregnancy but it still bothers me... I tried to make my pregnancy more real by naming my baby and I still am not excited. It still doesn't seem real if you know what I mean... I haven't posted it on Facebook or anything either... I don't know. I feel something is wrong with me haha!


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## usamom

I really do understand! No FB announcement for me either. Just told family at 15 weeks!


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## ColorMeFamous

I hid it from my family for 20 weeks. Even now I haven't told some of them. I hope that once I have her, all of this goes away. I don't want my lack of being able to connect with her now to affect her after she's born. I'm sure as soon as I see her I'll be ecstatic though!


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## rayraykay

I totally understand. I had a missed m/c in November and it made it really hard to get my hopes up for this baby.

I got myself a sonoline B fetal Doppler which has helped calm my nerves quite a bit. I listen to the baby's heartbeat pumping away whenever I'm nervous or full of doubt. That has really helped. I'm almost to 12 weeks, and while I'm super nervous to announce it to anyone, I think it will help make it more real and help me to get excited since I know my family and friends will be stoked. 

I really wish you both all the best & healthy happy babies! It will happen!


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you!! Yes, maybe announcing will make it real :) I am announcing in June so I hope people are supportive. I'm not in the ideal situation but I have a lot of support and love around me :)


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## nabo86

i know how you feel - i am nearly 38 weeks pregnant after a mmc last may

we went for a walk around the hospital yesterday and i still couldn't help feeling everything could still go wrong and it may have been a pointless visit... :( 

the labour ward is ward 8 and the postnatal ward is ward 10 - problem is this meant I had to walk past ward 9, the ward where I had to go to lose my last baby - i nearly burst into tears and hung back from the other couples so they wouldn't see me being upset

i want to believe that in less than a month i will be holding my little girl and she will be ok!


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## JayDee

My baby died because of a labour complication so I won't be happy until I am carrying a baby out of the hospital...
Completely understand not being excited yet, I haven't told anyone other than dh obviously and I'm almost 12 weeks, somehow it feels like there isn't really anything to tell yet if that makes sense


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## AwesomeSauce

I am having a hard time too. I have told some people, and they seem excited and filled with hope. I told them that they have to carry hope for me because after three consecutive miscarriages I can't carry it for myself.


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you for sharing your stories ladies!! I hope we all have healthy little babies soon!! I'm definitely glad I'm not the only one. I felt like such a bad mom for not being able to connect with my baby girl. I know as soon as she is born and healthy that I will be able to bond and love her unconditionally but it's scary waiting for that moment to arrive. I wish I could see her and see that she was doing well. Her kicks are reassuring but I hate not knowing.


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## xjesx

I suffered a loss at 8 weeks.

I am currently in my 7th week....let's just say every possible pregnancy symptom/sign I am welcoming with arms wide open.

A week ago I had wiped and notice faint brown which i assume to be dried blood. Well don't I freakout. Just have a total breakdown. My hubby tried to be supportive and said "that's normal hun." I responded with "ya it was really normal last time." He got so mad and walked away from me while I lying on the bathroom floor crying. I wanted to punch him. At that moment I knew he too was still having trouble dealing with the January loss and not knowing how to comfort me.

I am just "negative". I am guarded and not wanting to be too hopeful because I can't imagine what the disappointment would be like if I go through it again.


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## MamaTex

I am excited but the worry is still in the back of my mind. I have been more open about what is going on and have long since announced, but the thought is still in my head that the baby might not make it for some obscure reason. I have bought a few things and am in the process of decorating the nursery, but it seems odd to be doing this. I sometimes get to thinking I will wake up and things will be over, just like that. Just take comfort in how far you have come. Chances are things will be fine.


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you for sharing ladies... Everyone seems to deal with grief differently. It's hard when the person you want to be there for you is not grieving the same... I have the same issue :( I just want to cry and talk about it and listen to my dad miscarriage music and he just wants to avoid it. 

I am definitely grateful she is almost here. One month and I'm full term. I still can't seem to connect with her but I'm sure once she is here I will feel better about it. I announce my pregnancy this week so I hope that maybe it will help me accept the situation better. Get a better grasp on it...


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## dairymomma

I can tell you it's okay to feel that way. I don't feel happy until I'm holding my baby in my arms and can count those fingers and toes, hear them cry, and snuggle them close. In five years, I have had two kids and six miscarriages. Finding out I'm pregnant isn't a source of joy for me and hasn't been since my first miscarriage because odds are (for me anyway) I'll miscarry before 10 weeks. I don't even think of baby names until after the baby is born! So, be comforted and know it's okay to feel almost apathetic about this. My doctor said its just one way the human heart insulates itself from another heartbreak to not feel excited about being pregnant after a loss.


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## ColorMeFamous

Yes, it definitely makes a lot of sense. I took a big step today and announced my pregnancy. Surprisingly everyone is absolutely ecstatic!! I'm super happy they are :) I hope she gets here safe!! These next 52 days or whatever are going to kill me. I just want to know she's going to be okay. I know it was probably a fluke that I lost my baby but it still weighs heavily on my mind :(


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## Wyldemomma

I think you all are completely normal. I had a MMC 3/12 and two consecutive MC at the beginning of this year. I am now preggo again and don't really feel joy or happiness, it's more of an indifference towards everything. I have told some close family and friends who have been my support system through the last 16 months and I let them carry the excitement and joy. 

I'm so glad there are other women out there who are willing to admit they are not over the mon about being pregnant, even though its all they really want in the world.


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## ColorMeFamous

I'm glad I'm not the only one! I felt like such a bad mom. Even with my first, I didn't let myself get emotionally connected. I just couldn't. And that was before the miscarriage. Now I love her more than anything in the world! I feel so bad because all these moms are so in love with their little babies and feel so connected with every kick that they have and I just can't do that. I wish I could. I wish these last 8 months were bonding time with my baby... I just seem to be the type of person who needs to actually interact in order to build a relationship... Still feel so guilty though. Wish I felt like they do in the movies lol.


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## Wyldemomma

My best friends favorite phrase is "it's not like the movies dear". I think being reserved and cautious are typical symptoms. I'm at a complete loss as to
How I am going to handle the next 7 months. You pining foot infrint of the other and try To keep breathing. I think once you hold your baby in your arms that immediate bond/love will make up for the last few months. Don't feel guilty, your heart is just protecting itself.


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## cb1

I can really relate to this. I can't even let myself imagine this going full term at the moment (I'm 5 weeks), I don't feel excited at all and the only planning I'm doing is mentally composing the email to my manager at the point it all goes wrong..

One thing I have found this time around is that no one else is excited for this pregnancy either. My husband has barely acknowledged it which I guess is his way of dealing with the past, my sister is trying to put it out of her mind and even suggested we do a charity bungee jump yesterday as she'd forgotten! And the only other person I've told changed the subject at the point she realised what I was telling her. 

I remember how happy I was at this point with my son, and really wish I could have an enjoyable carefree pregnancy!! If I make it to 2nd tri hopefully I'll relax more then xx


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## Maxparedesmom

Hello all I understand as well since I lost my max while I was 19 weeks and 5 days on 12/20/12 I feel like ill never truly feel ok and be able to really connect with my new baby . We are hasn't another boy and its really hard not to think something will happen .. I to have named him but maybe for another reason I just want to know his name longer then I knew my max. If that makes sence. . I lost him 2 days after I found out he was a boy and had named him dot his time around I paid to find out the sex earlier .. Even knowing I don't feel any better though.. I hope everyone is doing well ..


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## jajonesey

I completely understand your panic, though 31 weeks is a dream to someone like me! I told my husband yesterday, and now he's excited. I admire his ability to be supportive regardless of what's going on. 

But with each pg, i get less and less excited. I tested yesterday after AF was a no-show, and I'm 5 weeks. I'm about as un-inspired as one can get. In fact, i was actually pissed off - bfp kind of ruined my day - because i had a million plans for the day that all just took a back seat. 

In fact, yesterday morning, i was thinking, "well...maybe it won't be so bad if we don't have kids." Twenty minutes later, BFP. No Joke. ](*,)

Part of the problem (and no one prepares you for this) is that i suffer really bad ppd after the D&C. Last time it was so bad, I had to get help. All i can think about now is what happens in 4, 6, or 8 weeks when i get more bad news again? 

:cry:


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you, ladies for sharing your stories. It really is so scary :( and clearly we are all at different parts of our pregnancy and still, it never gets any easier. It might be nice to keep updating on this post and seeing how everyone is doing! May help us keep up the hope!! I'm 33


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## ColorMeFamous

Oops!! I'm 33 weeks tomorrow and still feeling all the same feelings as you ladies are. I haven't packed a hospital bag, haven't bought anything for baby. I seriously just can't wrap my head around it! I just had a terrible dream that I had her at 36 weeks 5 days and I had nothing for her so maybe that will get my ass in hear :/ I'm so nervous and the weeks are going by so fast! I just wish they went a tiny but slower. I'm moving on July first so I'm also stressed about that. Congrats on everyone's pregnancies!! I'm excited for you all even if you aren't <3 I hope we all cook up some sticky babies... Losing one is hard and losing multiple is even harder. Getting your hope up is definitely hard. I just think I'm going to have a stillborn. I know it's so dumb. I just think if something will go wrong, it just will. I hope all of our babies come safely <3


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## nabo86

jajonesey said:


> I completely understand your panic, though 31 weeks is a dream to someone like me! I told my husband yesterday, and now he's excited. I admire his ability to be supportive regardless of what's going on.
> 
> But with each pg, i get less and less excited. I tested yesterday after AF was a no-show, and I'm 5 weeks. I'm about as un-inspired as one can get. In fact, i was actually pissed off - bfp kind of ruined my day - because i had a million plans for the day that all just took a back seat.
> 
> In fact, yesterday morning, i was thinking, "well...maybe it won't be so bad if we don't have kids." Twenty minutes later, BFP. No Joke. ](*,)
> 
> Part of the problem (and no one prepares you for this) is that i suffer really bad ppd after the D&C. Last time it was so bad, I had to get help. All i can think about now is what happens in 4, 6, or 8 weeks when i get more bad news again?
> 
> :cry:

I'm really sorry for all of your losses, I really hope this is your sticky rainbow baby and wish you a happy and healthy 9 months xxx


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## ColorMeFamous

I find it quite interesting that you can get PPD after you "deliver" so early. I don't know if that's what I had or I was just upset about my loss but I cried so much. Every day until I was far into this pregnancy, I would look up "miscarriage" on Instagram. Just to reassure myself that I wasn't broken. That this was a reality for so many other people... I sort of think of this baby as being my miscarried baby in a sense. I know it sounds weird. I just know when I found out about my pregnancy last time I was so scared. I wasn't ready at all! I just prayed that she would come a little later when I was actually ready for a baby. I didn't want a baby then. When I lost her I was absolutely devastated. I really blamed myself for a while. Still do a bit. I asked whatever god was out there to give me a sign. Three months later, I found out I was pregnant again. My due date is my daughters birthday. I don't know if it's coincidence or what but I find it has helped me accept my miscarriage. The extra three months have helped me to get through college and better prepare myself for this baby. I have been measuring farther along so I think it would be interesting on the day I lost my past baby.


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## Wyldemomma

I too seeked help after my first MMC. Even though my brain understood what was going in my heart/soul were so devistated and messed up. My husband and I were fighting all the time, I was lashing out, there was a lot of anger. Sometimes I think there still is. Last night I was extremely angry because I didn't feel as tired and my boobs weren't as sore (tmi) and I kept thinking "this is it" I don't know how I'm not going to think like that. I have my first scan scheduled for the 11th, I know it's only a week but I'm sure it'll feel like a life time. 

How did you ladies deal with the scans? I feel like I'm going to be a nervous wreck.


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## cb1

Hi Wyldemomma, how far along are you if you don't mind me asking? I really hope your scan goes well next week. I don't have any advice on how to cope with scans I'm afraid - this time around I don't think I'm going to have any early scans, I just find the whole experiance too stressful. Plus as all of my mmc's were picked up on scan and followed with an erpc I always have that nagging doubt in the back of my mind "what if they got it wrong?"


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## nabo86

Wyldemomma said:


> I too seeked help after my first MMC. Even though my brain understood what was going in my heart/soul were so devistated and messed up. My husband and I were fighting all the time, I was lashing out, there was a lot of anger. Sometimes I think there still is. Last night I was extremely angry because I didn't feel as tired and my boobs weren't as sore (tmi) and I kept thinking "this is it" I don't know how I'm not going to think like that. I have my first scan scheduled for the 11th, I know it's only a week but I'm sure it'll feel like a life time.
> 
> How did you ladies deal with the scans? I feel like I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

i've had 5 scans so far...

one at 6 weeks (NHS) as i had some bleeding
one private at 8 weeks
one private at 10 weeks - this one was very important to me as in my mmc the baby died at 9 weeks
one at 12 weeks (NHS) - routine
one at 20 weeks (NHS) - routine

I felt awful before each scan, poor DH had to deal with all my stress and tried his best to stay strong for me, I know now he was hiding a lot of his own anxiety. I was OK after each scan for a couple of days but then sink back down and I was a nervous wreck, very emotional and not very nice to be around but it was just worrying about what I would see in the scan.

I have a scan tomorrow to check the position of my baby - I can feel her kicking now so it is the first scan I'll have where I know I'm going to see her and she is ok. I'm not worried at the minute but not sure how I'll feel tomorrow - I always hope I'm not in the same room or with the same sonographer as in my first pregnancy - I know neither of those things affected the outcome but it just makes me feel a little better!

I don't have any advice to cope but hope everything is well in your scan xx


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## ColorMeFamous

It was nerve wracking!! I saw the baby and couldn't see the heart. (7 weeks 6 days) I just wanted to cry!! The ultrasound tech then showed me where it was and I felt a little okay but it still didn't help. At my next one (20 weeks) I saw her flipping inside me and just being super active!! It helped but it still didn't make me feel secure. The only thing that helped me was when I started feeling kicks! I like being able to know she's moving and being active throughout the day!!


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## ButterflyK

I am finding it hard to get excited and don't even want to tell the OH until a ultra sound shows a Heartbeat, we have yet to make it to that point so while I feel different this pregnancy I still feel like it's going to be bad news.


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## ColorMeFamous

I felt the same way... I've made it to 33 weeks so hopefully you will get a sticky baby too! Please update us when you see that beautiful heartbeat <3


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## Wyldemomma

Cb1 I am about 6 weeks, still really early. 

Thank you ladies for all your wonderful responses! I told my husband I would probably cry through it all!


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## cb1

I'm slightly behind you then at 5+4. I really hope your scan goes well next week, and will be keeping my fingers crossed for you. This is such a difficult time isn't it?


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## Wyldemomma

Yes it really is. I am thankful though that there are women out there who have experienced the same things and are willing to talk about it and help each other through it! 

When will you have your first scan?

Colormefamous- how are you feeling today?


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## KatOro

Hi ladies. Big hugs to you all!! 

It is so hard to know how to feel after a loss. I found out I lost my baby in November 2012 at 7 weeks. It measured behind at 6 weeks. I never ever expected to experience PPD/PPA after the miscarriage. Nowhere did I read this was even possible. And my doctor did not mention it was a possibility (which, upon reflection, really bothers me).

I went through a major bout of depression and anxiety that just cleared up a month or so ago. I did not realize what was going on until it was over. I really could have used more support and guidance. Even the ladies I could commiserate with didn't offer much other than, acknowledging it is painful and it will get better but you'll never get over it. 

I almost left my partner and took my daughter to live with a new potential mate. I was one foot out the door when something told me I might not be thinking clearly. I felt like I finally had some gusto to make some big changes and when I made some and they were the wrong ones I got scared. I completely froze and could not make any sense of anything. 

I just found out I am pregnant again and I THINK this is what I want and want to spend my life with my current partner and father of my 3 1/2 year old. 

I know it will be hard but I think I am ready for the battle.
Sorry I hijacked this thread...this is the first time I have really looked at the past 6ish months from the outside. I am such a mess still, but getting better every day.

I know its VERY soon since I found out I am pregnant again...I hope I can feel the magic I felt with my first two pregnancies. I know I might not and that makes me feel bad for this baby. I sure do appreciate this pregnancy (so far) more than the first. 

One thing that is super hard is I have quit smoking (tobacco and green) for both pregnancies so far and know I will for this one too. However, I feel like it is going to be much harder this time around. It's like...I smoked for the first trimester in my first pregnancy (didn't find out until 14ish weeks) and my daughter was fine. 2nd pregnancy I quit the day I found out (9dpo) and lost that pregnancy.I know its the best thing for everyone and I will quit, but I can't shake the guilt of not being 100% gung ho.

I never expected motherhood to come with so many deep emotions. Thank goodness for this website, it's so nice to know other people share the same trials and tribulations. Amazing how in some cases we can learn more from strangers on different sides of the planet than we can from our own direct support system.


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## ColorMeFamous

Wyldemomma- I'm feeling okay. Stressed. I need to find a place to rent by the 30th and haven't yet :( I am so worried that something will not pull through for me. I really hope for me and the kids sake that something does. I can't believe all this :( it's so terrible. 

Katoro- thank you for sharing your story!! I know the feeling of guilt. I had taken prenatal vitamins with my first, carried her full term, and then didn't with my second. I ended up losing that baby between 5-6 weeks. I have taken prenatal vitamins with this one and she is doing great. I know it was probably totally unrelated but still. Makes you wonder. Just remember that you are not only eating for two, but breathing for two.


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## cb1

Hi everyone - hope you're all ok today.

Katoro, i hope you find the support you need here, it sounds like you've been through a tough time of it recently. Don't feel bad if you don't feel the magic this time around - its understandable to feel apprehensive after everything you've been through. Well done on the smoking thing - I quit a few years ago, but had recently started again due to some personal issues. I quit as soon as I got my BFP, but its not been easy.


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## dairymomma

jajonesey said:


> I completely understand your panic, though 31 weeks is a dream to someone like me! I told my husband yesterday, and now he's excited. I admire his ability to be supportive regardless of what's going on.
> 
> But with each pg, i get less and less excited. I tested yesterday after AF was a no-show, and I'm 5 weeks. I'm about as un-inspired as one can get. In fact, i was actually pissed off - bfp kind of ruined my day - because i had a million plans for the day that all just took a back seat.
> 
> In fact, yesterday morning, i was thinking, "well...maybe it won't be so bad if we don't have kids." Twenty minutes later, BFP. No Joke. ](*,)
> 
> Part of the problem (and no one prepares you for this) is that i suffer really bad ppd after the D&C. Last time it was so bad, I had to get help. All i can think about now is what happens in 4, 6, or 8 weeks when i get more bad news again?
> 
> :cry:

Like you, I wasn't happy to find out I was pg this time round. I have 2 kids who mean the world to me and it's taken me nearly a year to accept I might only have two. I've been tested, poked, and prodded without any answer as to why I keep having mc after mc. When I got my bfp, I got mad. I got even more mad when I started spotting last week. It was like, "What? You've got to be kidding me! SEVEN miscarriages?" Turns out it is a hematoma causing the spotting and my bean is still sticking nicely at 10wks. You just get so mad because just when you start thinking "Okay, I'm good with where life has taken me. I'm happy where I'm at." BAM! That's when it hits you-BFP. And like you, I've suffered ppd. Unfortunately for me, I was dealing with it after my first mc five years ago but wasn't diagnosed until about six months ago (two kids and five more mc later). I hid how bad I truly felt from everyone including my dh AND myself. So, having been there and done that, I'm hoping this one is a good one for you. :hugs:


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## Wyldemomma

I am glad to hear everything is going ok with the pregnancy diarymomma and it was just a hematoma.


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## Maxparedesmom

Every scan is scary to me as we'll as that is how I lost my max at 19 weeks . 2 days before he was fine went to a routine app and his heart wasn't beating anymore . So I don't think i will ever be ok getting scans .. I also was depressed and went to therapy after.it helped a little but mostly I think it's a battle with ur self ..even his birth was horrible I had bad doctors that didn't care and did horrible things . That's one reason I needed help.


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## ColorMeFamous

Awe I'm so sorry :( I'm glad your pregnancy is going well now!! I hope you have a healthy little one <3 doctors are assholes sometimes. I guess it just becomes so routine that they begin to become normalized to it. :( I wish you had a better experience. Thanks for sharing your story <3 I'm sure max is a beautiful little angel <3 

So my one year anniversary of the passing of baby Nova is coming up! What do you guys do for your little ones "birthdays?"


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## Maxparedesmom

Thanks ... I haven't had his one year but I'm thinking of making him a cake :) that's what anyone would do for his first bday and I guess it just seems right .. U know?


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## ColorMeFamous

Oh yes!! That would make sense!! I sort of was thinking I might release a floating lantern for her and write her a little message. I think making cupcakes or a cake might be nice too!! :)


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## dairymomma

I haven't done anything because I've had so many but when we finish landscaping our yard, I'm going to plant a little 'hidden' garden with stepping stone and a special rememberance tree.


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## ColorMeFamous

Awe!! That's beautiful!!


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## Wyldemomma

That's so great ladies! We didn't do anything because I got a BFP that morning (it didn't work out but that's ok). I had thought about planting a flower or something as well, it's do beautiful!


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## hinkybinky

I've just read through and can completely relate to the feelings you all describe. I found out yesterday that I'm expecting again, this will be the 5th time since DH was born. Two didn't last long at all, and two were mmc, babies measuring 8-9 weeks lost at 10 and 11.5 weeks.

I have spent the entire afternoon in tears. I am not sure if I am grieving the babies that are gone, or if I am grieving this loss in advance (I genuinely do not feel much hope at all), or grieving the loss of my ability to be joyful or excited about something that should be such a happy time. It is a loss of innocence that I truly would not wish upon anybody.

I have been booked in for a scan at the EPU next Thur; I will only be 4.5 weeks so unlikely they'll see anything but it seems I cannot be referred to my specialist (who I'm currently seeing under the guise of recurrent micarriage clinic) at the ante-natal clinic until I've had a scan. Daft sysem and bound just to cause me more stress and worry. The sonographer is lovely but I have had my heart broken in that scanning room more times than I care to remember.

I do keep trying to just take one day at a time and be happy to be pregnant today. But there's no joy in being pregnant without a happy ending. 

It is good to find others with similar stories and I hope that we can somehow draw some strength and comfort from each other xxx


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## Wyldemomma

Hinkybinky- we are all here for you! I have found that sharing my story with other women who have gone through a similar experience extremely helpful. I hope the scan goes well and will help you be able to breathe a little easier.


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## hinkybinky

Wyldemomma said:


> Hinkybinky- we are all here for you! I have found that sharing my story with other women who have gone through a similar experience extremely helpful. I hope the scan goes well and will help you be able to breathe a little easier.

Thank you! I find a good cry sometimes helps. And, as you say, just getting it all out and knowing someone is listening, so thanks xxx

OH has come home and been lovely, and my DS is back from his grandparents' so feel a bit more normal now!

Guess we just have to accept it will never feel like a normal pregnancy for us. I have been trying to count my blessings though. For now I have my little full-stop sized bundle of joy :cloud9:


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## ColorMeFamous

Yes! We are all here for you!! I can't wait to hear about your scan!! I really hope you get a sticky baby!! Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching. It is such a relief to find other mothers that feel the same way!!

As for me, I still haven't gained weight for 7 weeks. Movements have decreased and she is measuring 2 weeks behind what she normally was. I hope little Ambriella Lové is okay... Wish me luck! I go in next week to find out...


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## dairymomma

Hinky, so sorry for your losses but you are def not alone here. Even though I have two kids and am currently 12 weeks into this pg, having had 6 mc before and since the births of my children has def colored my view towards pregnancy. I will probably never be happy to see that bfp and I don't every stop expecting to see blood when I go to the bathroom. I've always mc between 6 and 9+4 so when I woke up on 9+5 this time, I breathed a huge sigh of relief...until I went to the bathroom and wiped pink. It was like, "Oops, I jinxed it..." Luckily everything has been going okay otherwise and the spotting is just from a small uterine bleed that should go away soon but it's still nerve-wracking to see that.


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## ColorMeFamous

Oh no doubt!! I hope it goes away soon!! I totally take every "bad" symptom and just completely overreact over everything too. It's hard not too. I'm glad everything is okay with baby though!!


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## nabo86

Hi

I don't want to upset anyone, I want people to be filled with hope but I have come back to let you all know my little rainbow girl was born last Tuesday by C-Section and she is wonderful

I worried every second of every day from the day I got my BFP, right up until theatre until I heard her cry and she was in my arms

I wish you all the very best in your pregnancies whatever stage you are at and hope all your beautiful babies will be born without any complications


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## ColorMeFamous

Oh wow congrats!! Definitely lots of hope <3 so glad your baby was born nice and healthy!'


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## hinkybinky

nabo86 said:


> Hi
> 
> I don't want to upset anyone, I want people to be filled with hope but I have come back to let you all know my little rainbow girl was born last Tuesday by C-Section and she is wonderful
> 
> I worried every second of every day from the day I got my BFP, right up until theatre until I heard her cry and she was in my arms
> 
> I wish you all the very best in your pregnancies whatever stage you are at and hope all your beautiful babies will be born without any complications

Congratulations xxx


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## Wyldemomma

How is everybody doing this morning?


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## hinkybinky

Hi Wyledemomma, am just counting the days until my repeat scan - they didn't see much on Thursday except two 'sac like structures' (4w4d) so I have to go back again this Thur and hopefully they will see a bit more. I am trying to hope for the best but it's hard :-( It was all very hush-hush, wouldn't show me the screen, talking in code. They took my hcg and progesterone levels and seemed happy with those: 2800 and 28, so that's something to hold onto. Week is going to go so slow.

How are you?


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## buzzy

You are SO not alone!

I had a healthy baby in 2009 and then two miscarriages. I was told with this pregnancy that I had miscarried at 7 weeks and then found out at 11 weeks that I was still pregnant.
It was a very traumatising time and lots of people in my entourage kept on getting annoyed with me for not being happy, but they didn't understand that I had grieved the loss of my baby only to have to reaccept its existence.

I'm now 24 weeks and started preterm labour at 22 weeks, so am very very worried. 

I think that we always worry when pregnant - even when things are going well.

Big hugs xx


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## ColorMeFamous

Pregnancy-wise I think things are going well?? She's ridiculous active but I also hear that happens before a still birth so once again I'm on high alert!! Otherwise, things are getting very bad. I don't know if you guys know but there are terrible flash floods in Alberta, Canada right now :( everything is a complete disaster... They have started to pull bodies from the water now... It's absolutely frightening. 

I can't wait to hear how the ultrasound goes!! I hope all is well!! Are they suspecting twins??

Oh wow!! That is so scary!! I hope your baby stays in there a while longer!! Definitely not done cooking yet! I believe they can deliver babies at 23 weeks now but obviously we want baby as developed as much as possible!!


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## Wyldemomma

Hinky-when is your next scan? Mine is 7/2


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## hinkybinky

Wyldemomma said:


> Hinky-when is your next scan? Mine is 7/2

I had my scan yesterday. Different sonographer, who was able to locate a gestational sac (just the one!) with yolk sac, and fetal pole with a little flicker! :cloud9:

I will now have my next scan at 12 weeks but have had reassurance from EPAU that if I have any bleeding or pain they will see me for a scan earlier than that.

Good luck for Tuesday x


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## ColorMeFamous

Ahhh!!! I'm so happy everything went well at your scan!! Can't wait to see the next one!! 

@wyldemomma I hope all goes well!! Keep us updated!! That's one day before I am full term!


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## hinkybinky

ColorMeFamous said:


> Ahhh!!! I'm so happy everything went well at your scan!! Can't wait to see the next one!!
> 
> @wyldemomma I hope all goes well!! Keep us updated!! That's one day before I am full term!

Thank you! Not long for you now, eek!!


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## dairymomma

Color-wow you are almost done! So jealous right now...It's in the 80's where I live and I can't STAND being preggo in the summer heat...I'm fine if the temps stay in the 70's but anything over 80 is just unbearable when I'm NOT pg and even worse when I am. I know I'm only 3 months but I can't control my internal thermostat when I am pg so I'm constantly way too warm. Blah...

Wylde-Hope things are still going well. How are you feeling? Hope your u/s tomorrow goes good! I've got one too to make sure my hematoma is going away/gone, so I've got my fingers we both get GREAT news.

Hinky-seeing that little flicker is the most amazing thing, isn't it? Makes everything seem so real. Glad you got to see your little bean and that things are looking good!


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## ColorMeFamous

Ahhh!! Two more days to full term!! I just want to see her healthy face right now so I can stop worrying!! Yeah it's only 30 degrees Celsius today and I am dying!! 

Can't wait to hear about ultrasounds!! I wish I had more haha!! Hope all comes back perfectly!!


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## dairymomma

Hope Wyldemomma got better news from her u/s than I did. The good news is the hematoma is gone but the bad news is my baby no longer had a heartbeat. They couldn't tell me from the u/s why my baby died but it happened very recently as the baby was measuring 13 1/2 to 14 weeks and I'm 14+3 today. :cry: I'm just devastated. I've never m/c this far along and wasn't prepared to hear this. I 'knew' something wasn't right, though, and even mentioned feeling odd about this pg to my DH last week. Guess this is why I couldn't find the nerve to tell everyone I was expecting even though it's been 3 weeks past the point I told with my ds and dd. I'm probably going to leave BnB for a while until I'm recuperated (they are scheduling me for a d&c hopefully in the next few days. kinda nervous as I've never had one but not really wanting to go thru a natural mc right now as I'm further along and hoping to go out of town next weekend.) so I won't be posting anymore for a bit. Just wanted to thank all of you ladies for your support and encouragement these last few weeks. It's meant a great deal to me. Hope the rest of you pg ladies have a wonderful pregnancy, an easy delivery, and a healthy happy baby to enjoy! I'm going to go hug my two precious miracles.


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## hinkybinky

dairymomma said:


> Hope Wyldemomma got better news from her u/s than I did. The good news is the hematoma is gone but the bad news is my baby no longer had a heartbeat. They couldn't tell me from the u/s why my baby died but it happened very recently as the baby was measuring 13 1/2 to 14 weeks and I'm 14+3 today. :cry: I'm just devastated. I've never m/c this far along and wasn't prepared to hear this. I 'knew' something wasn't right, though, and even mentioned feeling odd about this pg to my DH last week. Guess this is why I couldn't find the nerve to tell everyone I was expecting even though it's been 3 weeks past the point I told with my ds and dd. I'm probably going to leave BnB for a while until I'm recuperated (they are scheduling me for a d&c hopefully in the next few days. kinda nervous as I've never had one but not really wanting to go thru a natural mc right now as I'm further along and hoping to go out of town next weekend.) so I won't be posting anymore for a bit. Just wanted to thank all of you ladies for your support and encouragement these last few weeks. It's meant a great deal to me. Hope the rest of you pg ladies have a wonderful pregnancy, an easy delivery, and a healthy happy baby to enjoy! I'm going to go hug my two precious miracles.

I am so sorry, you must be heartbroken :cry: Sometimes fate can be so cruel. Cuddle your little ones tight and take care of yourself. I hope the D&C is not too awful; I would make the same choice as you I think about that. Hope to see you on here again when you are ready. Take it easy xxx


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## dairymomma

Thanks. I was just numb yesterday and now today the sadness is hitting a little harder. More tears, hugs from my kids, etc. Getting antsy because the dr's office hasn't called with my appt time yet and I just want it over. Hope to hear from them soon and if not, I'm calling in this afternoon. I need to set up a sitter for my kids and get a ride so the sooner I know the better. Plus, I really don't want to miscarry naturally this time. I'm 5 weeks further along than my other m/c and it hurt badly enough then. And who really wants to deal with a m/c while their young kids are watching? Not me.


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## Wyldemomma

dairymomma said:


> Thanks. I was just numb yesterday and now today the sadness is hitting a little harder. More tears, hugs from my kids, etc. Getting antsy because the dr's office hasn't called with my appt time yet and I just want it over. Hope to hear from them soon and if not, I'm calling in this afternoon. I need to set up a sitter for my kids and get a ride so the sooner I know the better. Plus, I really don't want to miscarry naturally this time. I'm 5 weeks further along than my other m/c and it hurt badly enough then. And who really wants to deal with a m/c while their young kids are watching? Not me.

Dairy I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I am at a loss of words because as all of us on this forum know, there is nothing that you can really say to make it better.


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## dairymomma

Thanks Wylde. I've been thinking of you alot lately and really hoping your pregnancy is going really well. I feel like I have all this leftover hope for a healthy pregnancy for myself and instead of it going to waste, I'm going to spread it out to all you other ladies. :) So help yourself to an extra dose, alright? hehe (trying to inject humor so I don't cry...)

Anyway, I'm doing better now that I'm not freaking out about the physical pain part of a natural m/c. I have some of those nice pain pills that knock you out for an hour after you take them and plan to use them if/when the pains start to get bad. And we are only 25 minutes from the nearest ER if I need to go in. Really really hoping to make it to my D&C appt though but it's probably going to be on Tuesday and I've typically m/c within a week of the baby stopping development which would be in the next few days. So we'll see how the weekend goes and go from there.


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## ColorMeFamous

That is just devastating!! I can't imagine the pain you are going through... Especially because you got so far along in your pregnancy... That's so shocking :( you are in my thoughts and prayers!!


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## dairymomma

Thanks Color. It's pretty junky and dealing with the dr's offices since Tuesday has only added to my rollercoaster of a week. But I'm getting a little better every day and I know once (if) I get the D&C, I'll be even better as I can start healing physically not just mentally and emotionally.Hoping to have a little break after this so I can get some pretty extensive testing done (NK cells, hysteroscopy, maybe even some genetic testing on myself). Waiting to talk to the dr before going into any of that but I'm sticking to my guns. Something is wrong here and I'm not going to rest until I know what's going on.


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## dairymomma

Oh and happy Full Term! Just noticed you are 37 weeks now. Yay!


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## Wyldemomma

dairymomma said:


> Thanks Color. It's pretty junky and dealing with the dr's offices since Tuesday has only added to my rollercoaster of a week. But I'm getting a little better every day and I know once (if) I get the D&C, I'll be even better as I can start healing physically not just mentally and emotionally.Hoping to have a little break after this so I can get some pretty extensive testing done (NK cells, hysteroscopy, maybe even some genetic testing on myself). Waiting to talk to the dr before going into any of that but I'm sticking to my guns. Something is wrong here and I'm not going to rest until I know what's going on.

We went through all that before this pregnancy and I think it is just as emotionally draining unfortunately. I think what the drs don't understand is that you want them to find something WRONG so you have answers. I know you want to take a break from the forums but please keep us posted on your recovery. I can't speak for everyone but I know sometimes it just nice to cent it out. Still thinking about you girl!


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## ColorMeFamous

I totally understand how you would want to figure out what's going on. Especially since it has happened more than once. And now this late in the pregnancy? A lot of times around 12 weeks, things happen because hormone levels start switching from the corpus luteum to the placenta. Sometimes the hard part is finding out why this is happening. Once you find out, a lot of the time it is really easy to correct. I hope you find out what is wrong... I also hope your rainbow baby comes when you are ready for it! Mine helped me cope but everyone is different. And thank you!! Yes! Finally full term!! Still not counting my chickens before they hatch though! Until I hear that first cry and all her tests come back normal, I think I will continue to be skeptical. It seems as though everything that happens is a sign of her not doing well. Like my mom had this thing where her placenta randomly stopped working (not sure what it was called) and I have a lot of the signs that go along with it. Eg: lazy baby, not gaining weight, uterus not growing... It certainly is nerve wracking. I just hope I find out soon how she is doing.


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## nabo86

i'm so sorry dairymomma :hug:

i was 12+3 when i found out my first baby had died and i had to wait from a Friday to the Tuesday because it was a bank holiday weekend and it was the worst 5 days of my life :cry: like you I dreaded the process starting naturally - in a sense it was a relief when the day came, i found it impossible to start getting over my loss while i was still carrying my child...

i hope you get the answers you need to help move on in time and you get your rainbow baby when you are ready :hugs: xxx


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## dairymomma

I will certainly keep y'all updated as I find things out. Actually thinking I'll just push for the hysteroscopy for now and try some natural things on the side. I want to get my mineral levels checked. Alot of research I've found on natural treatments points to low levels of things like calcium, selenium, and iodine as possible causes for recurrent miscarriage. At this point, I feel like I'm grasping at straws but I can't afford to do all the medical testing I want so I'm going to do what I can for now and see what happens. And thank you all for the support. I can't say it enough, how much it means to me. Especially since it's looking like this thing started here at home this morning. I've been cramping (light period cramps that are s-l-o-w-l-y getting stronger) and wiping pinkish brown cm since mid-morning. Trying to get things moving a bit faster by walking, sitting on my exercise ball, etc All the things that helped my labors with my dd and ds but no luck so far. Looking to be a LONG night...Not upset with the doctor anymore but I still wish they had been more up front about the wait times on phone calls and scheduling. And kept me updated more. The communication was so bad and it made my last week so much worse.


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## ColorMeFamous

We are all here for you!! It's a hard thing to go through... I lost my baby between 5-6 weeks along and I still can't seem to get over it. I can't even imagine the pain associated this far along in the pregnancy. I am so sorry you may not get your D&C... Maybe it is a blessing in disguise though? I know for me, holding my little baby in the amniotic sac really helped me cope. My friend had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and got to find out the sex and hold her little girl and take pics. It helped her cope too. Everyone is different with how they cope. I hope you know that if you ever need to talk, all of us are here for you. Feel free to personal message if you want as well. You are in my thoughts and prayers!


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## hinkybinky

dairymomma said:


> I will certainly keep y'all updated as I find things out. Actually thinking I'll just push for the hysteroscopy for now and try some natural things on the side. I want to get my mineral levels checked. Alot of research I've found on natural treatments points to low levels of things like calcium, selenium, and iodine as possible causes for recurrent miscarriage. At this point, I feel like I'm grasping at straws but I can't afford to do all the medical testing I want so I'm going to do what I can for now and see what happens. And thank you all for the support. I can't say it enough, how much it means to me. Especially since it's looking like this thing started here at home this morning. I've been cramping (light period cramps that are s-l-o-w-l-y getting stronger) and wiping pinkish brown cm since mid-morning. Trying to get things moving a bit faster by walking, sitting on my exercise ball, etc All the things that helped my labors with my dd and ds but no luck so far. Looking to be a LONG night...Not upset with the doctor anymore but I still wish they had been more up front about the wait times on phone calls and scheduling. And kept me updated more. The communication was so bad and it made my last week so much worse.

Hi, hope everything is okay with you. Have you got OH there with you? 

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you lots of :hugs: and strength xxx


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## dairymomma

Looks like yesterday was just the warm-up round. The cramping and spotting stayed the same all day and finally stopped just before I went to bed last night. Nothing this morning when I got up but lunchtime I wiped brown cm again. Feeling twinge-y down below today but not really achey or crampy so I think it's things just *starting* to shift. But the dr called (FINALLY!!) and I'm scheduled for tomorrow AM bright and early. So glad DH is going to bring me to the hospital. We weren't sure he'd be able to take time off from work but he'll be there to hold my hand. Whew...

And I'm actually starting to feel happy again. The world feels all bright and new for some reason. I feel in my heart that this baby was destined for Heaven from the moment of conception and how can I be sad about that? I've never felt this way after a m/c and it's a little unnerving in a way but I guess I shouldn't complain. I am going to make an appt with a therapist just to talk. I want to make sure I'm not 'hiding' my true feelings as I've dealt with post partum depression in the last year and I really don't want to do that again.


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## dairymomma

Update-the D&C went fine and things are looking up. The 'official' diagnosis for this mc was a clot. When my hematoma started healing, it formed a blood clot which, unfortunately for my baby, was in the wrong spot. It interfered with the blood flow to the placenta (probably pulled the placenta away from the uterine wall a bit too much and the placenta didn't have enough time to reattach before it was needed to support the pregnancy) and that's what ultimately caused the mmc. Glad we were able to figure out what happened here but I'm still getting some more testing done. This was the 3rd pregnancy I've had with a hematoma and I don't have a clotting disorder so we are going to try and track down why I keep getting bleeds.


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## ColorMeFamous

Awe!! I'm so sorry!! That is very odd that you would get these clots and not have a clotting disorder! It will be very interesting to find out why all this is. I'm so glad that they were able to find out why you miscarried. It must have provided you some sort of closure. 

As for me, I ended up having a beautiful little girl on the anniversary of my miscarriage, July 18! She was born 6 lbs 14 oz and was 21 inches long! The cord was around her neck but she made it through! I hope this gives you ladies some hope! I definitely look at her and think of her as my little Nova. I am so blessed to have my miracle baby in my life. <3


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## nabo86

hugs to you dairymomma - i'm glad they are starting to give you some answers xx

congratulations colormefamous - your daughter is beautiful :) xx


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## dairymomma

Ooo, Color, she's simply adorable! Congratulations! I'm doing a happy dance for you. I'm so glad your delivery went well and she's finally here. Feels so much better doesn't it? :)

As for my clots, I have a theory that the bleeds form because my body 'thinks' it needs to miscarry so the placenta starts detaching from the uterine wall. But then the progesterone I'm taking stops the process before it can get too far so the bleed starts healing and the placenta reattaches. Only this last time, the bleed formed later in my pregnancy and the placenta couldn't reattach in time. Because of this, I'm going to ask the Dr. about switching to a different form of progesterone or a higher dosage with my next pregnancy to see if that helps with these bleeds. We'll see what the dr says about my theory and what he finds when he does the scope.


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## ColorMeFamous

Thank you very much ladies! 

Keep us updated!! That sounds very possible! I really hope they find some way for you to carry a beautiful bundle of joy to term!


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