# TTC after a fullterm stillbirth



## thumpette

Hi Girls, 

I just wanted to introduce myself (and am desperately seeking positive stories after loss so feel free to share them here!)

After a perfectly healthy pregnancy I went to the hospital on January 11th 2015 with reduced movements only to find out my little boy's heart had stopped beating. I went into labour myself that night and Max was born on the 12th at 5.21pm. He was 7 pound 5 ounces and just the most beautiful baby in the world (slightly biased). I was 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant, being taken in the following day to discuss induction. As a lot of you here will know, life is so incredibly cruel and I'm sure the pain of this will never leave me. At the same time it has been worth every tear to have the privilege of carrying, giving birth to, and holding my beautiful little man, even if I never got to look in his eyes or feel his warmth. 

I've written a blog here if anyone would like to see it- it has some photos of Max in it from the amazing 'Now I lay me down to sleep' charity. I don't think the photos are disturbing or anything, but just so you know in case you wouldn't like to see them. 

(sorry tuns out I cant post this because I'm new, I will do when I've had enough posts)

Although I know I will never replace Max, I am completely consumed by the thought of getting pregnant again as soon as possible to give him a little sister or brother. I am just turned 32 and it took us over 18 months to conceive Max, I am terrified of it taking that long again, and even more terrified of it never happening. Physically I have been really lucky, had a straightforward birth, a small tear which has healed really well and am feeling physically back to my old self. In face I've really thrown myself into getting healthy so I've been out walking and running and am now back at my pre pregnancy weight (although could do with losing a couple more stone from here which I'm now working on). 

I thought I had stopped bleeding at about 2.5 weeks pp, but I started again last week and bled for another week. I'm not sure if this is because myself and my hubby BD too early or just because I was doing too much exercise, or if it was a period like the doctor thought. I'm taking a course of antibiotics anyway just in case and going to go with the assumption it was my cycle returning for the moment. 

I know being pregnant again is going to be tough and scary but I just have to try, I can't imagine a life which doesn't involve getting to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital. 

I hope we all get our little rainbow babies soon :hugs::hugs:


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## Sunshine14

Ahhh hun I just had to send you a message & the biggest of hugs xx I can't even begin to comprehend what u have been through to be so close & have it all torn away must just be so heartbreaking & devastating xx U r a very very brave woman & I wish you all the love, hope, joy and happiness in the world wrapped up in ur rainbow baby xx did the hopsital say what happened to little Max? Also rest assured they will monitor u so closely next time that*everything will go well hun xx I know ur desperate to have another baby (I would probably be the same) but I would just ask have u dealt with the grief hun? -- obviously only u can know what is the right thing to do following the lose of little Max but please, please make sure ur ready to ttc again sweetheart as it can be such a rollercoaster xxxxx

The good luck story that I would tell u is that I used to live in Kilkenny in Ireland and I used to go walking with a lovely lady and she had a girl, then a full term still born baby and then her son and he was absolutley fine - she said they never found a reason but they watched her like a hawk with her litle boy - I hope that reassures u somewhat hun xxx please take it easy and look after urself on ur ttc journey & don't forget u have time on ur side as ur still only 32 sweetie xx good luck xxxx


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## Sunshine14

PS do u use OPK's and the SMEP (sperm meets egg plan) hun? - I have been pregnant 5 times in the past 14 months (finding it hard to get a sticky bean due to my age!) and I would put all my pg's down to the SMEP & knowing when O is & making sure to dtd those days - I just have to get a good egg! xxxxx good luck anyway hun xx


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## thumpette

Sorry to hear that Sunshine, really hope you get your sticky soon! 

I know what you mean about grieving, to be honest I can't imagine ever being in a 'good place' about this. I know pregnancy now will be so difficult, but I think that will be the case whether it happens in 3 months or 3 years. Because it took so long last time we're hoping that the old wives tail about being more fertile after a loss holds true. 

When I was trying before I used temping to track my cycle, have never used opks or anything. I might try now alright- what ones would you recommend? There seems to be so many!


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## thumpette

In terms of knowing what happened, we get the results of the post mortem on Monday week- just hoping it's nothing that's likely to re-occur, and even more importantly that it's something that meant Max didn't suffer xx


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## Blu10

Thumpette, I cant imagine how difficult losing Max has been for you both and Im so sorry that you didnt get to keep your lovely little boy.
Good luck trying for your rainbow baby, sending you stacks of baby dust xx


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## Sunshine14

thumpette said:


> In terms of knowing what happened, we get the results of the post mortem on Monday week- just hoping it's nothing that's likely to re-occur, and even more importantly that it's something that meant Max didn't suffer xx

:hugs::hug::hug: It must still be so raw hun if u haven't even had the results of the post mortem, let alone be able to understand them & process them.  Just be kind to urself hun loads of tlc for urself & ur OH. At least when u find out what happened u will hopefully be able to understand what happened. I hope there was a specific reason for it so they can make sure it dosn't happen again hun xx as for dealing with the pain sweetie I am not sure that u will ever really get over the lose of little Max. U will adjust to the situation and time will eventually make it easier but the pain of the lose will always be with u, although it will lessen xxx have u been offered any counselling at all babe? So u can speak to someone who will just listen and be trained to understand how u feel? I know everything costs a fortune in Ireland but u might be able to find some free counselling through one of the charities / the hospital. MIght be a thought hun? I also hope this website helps u to get ur feelings out rather than bottle it all up sweetie - the ladies on here are lovely & it will help with the healing for u to talk about what u have been through xxx :hugs: I know I cant even comprehend what u have ben through but I'm her hun if u want to vent at all xxx hopefully u will also get some other good luck stories on here too sweetheart xx :hugs::hugs::hug::hug:


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## Sunshine14

thumpette said:


> Sorry to hear that Sunshine, really hope you get your sticky soon!
> 
> I know what you mean about grieving, to be honest I can't imagine ever being in a 'good place' about this. I know pregnancy now will be so difficult, but I think that will be the case whether it happens in 3 months or 3 years. Because it took so long last time we're hoping that the old wives tail about being more fertile after a loss holds true.
> 
> When I was trying before I used temping to track my cycle, have never used opks or anything. I might try now alright- what ones would you recommend? There seems to be so many!

Ur right about the old wives tail thump there was a scottish study done on 30,000 women (u can google it) that found that women who fell pg within 6 months of a miscarriage were more likely to have a healthy baby and less complications such as c-sections, etc. I think it makes sense as nature is trying to do it's job. I personally think that is the reason that I have had 5 mc's is cos my body is trying to get pg & cos of my age I have to churn through the eggs until I get a healthy one (if that ever happens!!!) Do u take a multi vitamin hun? Pregnacare do a good conception one for him and her - me & my honey take them plus I take a million other things to try to improve my egg quality .....

Re the OPK's (ovulation prediction kits) u can get them really cheap & delivered to ur door -- I buy 50 strips on amazon (I also get the strip pregnancy tests as saves a fortune in shop tests) and then I test once a day (usually evening after work after hoding wee as long as possible) until I see some colour coming & then once I see the colour progressing (that might take a few days) I would test every 4 hours (obviosuly not through the night) until it gets as dark or darker than the control line & once it gets darker u can stop testing as u know u will O in next 1/2 days or so. We tend to dtd every 2 days from about cd6 and then make sure to do it when I get the positive OPK and keep going then until Ims ure Ive O'd just to cover all bases. I don't temp or anything as would be to disorganised but I find OPK's are great for making sure we dtd at the right time! Just don't test with first morning urine (fmu) as it tends to be more concentrated & u would be more likely to get a positive that isn't a real positive - that is why I test late afternoon onwards -- hope that helps hun xx


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## thumpette

Thanks Sunshine, that's really helpful. I'm actually going to our first councelling session this afternoon through one of the charities. We've also been to a support group with other parents and will be going to the next one of them next week. I've also been writing a blog which has over 7000 views now and has really helped me to write as well as allowed me to connect with people in a similar situation. I completely intend to get all the support that's available to get through this, I know if I didn't it could drive me insane with the grief.


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## Sunshine14

Thats great thump sounds like ur getting all the help u can get hun & the counselling will really help xx all those things will really help u cope with the loss of little Max -- so all u need now is ur bfp!!! Good luck babe with ur ttc a rainbow journey xxxxxx


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## Natnee

Hi thumpette, so so sorry to hear about Max. I went through the same thing last April. I woke on 25th April to feel something wasn't right. Couldn't find a heartbeat on my doppler and went in, no heartbeat heard or seen on scans. I'd lost all the fluid which must've been a slow leak as I had no idea. I then had to go home having taking pills to induce me. 2 days later Poppy was born at 40+6. The post mortem revealed absolutely nothing,nothing wrong with me/placenta/Poppy so be prepared to hear this, that it's 'just one of those things'. While in a way it was good to hear, that there wasn't anything underlying that would prevent us trying again, in a way I wish there was something I could perhaps research or just be so aware of if I do get pregnant again. But they have told be I'd get loads more scans and they would also induce me at 37 weeks. 

I know exactly how you feel about NEEDING to be pregnant. I think I felt like this the day she was born, just wanting to still be pregnant. We didn't try again straight away, we went on a holiday with my daughter, so wanted to do that before trying again. Then I fell pregnant after 2 cycles trying, but I had a mc at 6 weeks. We were advised to wait a cycle, and then as it was christmas and we were spending it with in laws I decided to wait til after christmas. So now cd17 into ttc cycle 2. I fell first time with both my daughter Belle and with Poppy, but I don't have age on my side, i'll be 39 next month. So don't worry you are still young!! 

I'll be honest with you. I'm now absolutely petrified about being pregnant and having another baby. What if it happens again, how on earth would I deal with it. How am I possibly going to get through a whole 9 months and never feel like i'm in the 'safe zone' Not just getting to that 12 week scan and being relieved that you are mostly out of the woods, but the whole pregnancy!!! It worries me no end. But then I think of say in 5/10 years time, when it will be too late and how much I would regret it. My daughter is always making reference to 'when I'm a big sister' and it breaks my heart that she isn't, well not properly. So it's now or never really. 

Take care now, Nat xxx


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## thumpette

Hi Nat, 

So sorry to hear about Poppy (I love both your girl's names by the way)

I have a feeling I will be exactly the same as you, it seemed that my fluids were gone too. I had a scan the Tuesday previously which felt very rushed but I made a point of asking if the fluids were ok. I had been having stress incontinence when I was sneezing and coughing for most of the second half of my pregnancy so I was wearing pads, but there was only ever a tiny bit of what I believed to be urine and all my scans showed the fluid levels were fine.

In the scan that confirmed no heartbeat though they confirmed that there was little to no fluid around him, and when they went to break my waters in labour there was no membrane to break. I just cant understand how it happened. There 100% was no gush and no trickle. 

We've started trying already now, though I'm still not sure if bleeding I had last week was more lochia or a period. I'm trying to accept that even I get pregnant there's a good chance of having an MC, although I know that if that happens it will be heart breaking too. I'm so sorry that you lost your first little rainbow bean. The road ahead feels like a scary stressful place, but to have any chance of making that pink, healthy wiggling baby we just have to walk the road anyway. I hope there's rainbows waiting under the clouds for us both.


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## sjn21

Hey, this is my first time on here. I just registered after readying this thread... 

I found out 5 weeks ago today that my daughters heart had stopped at 33 weeks (not quite term I know .. But weighed 4lb 4oz, and beautiful) and I delivered her on the wednesday. I should be 38 weeks pregnant with my daughter, and all I can think about is 1) how cruel this world is. And 2) how desperate I am to become pregnant again. It took us 6 months of really trying to concieve my daughter, although prior to those 6 months we were 'not preventing' for a further 4 months. (Dasie is our second baby - we have a beautiful son of 3 and a half)

The weekend our hearts were ripped out, I had noticed less movement on the Saturday, but then she gave us some good belly moving kicks in the evening that reassured us. Then Sunday we were at a christening and I hadn't felt much but assumed she was resting r as were were out and about. That evening whilst at work on a night shift (I'm a nurse) I started feeling sick... With worry. I knew something was wrong, so when I went to get monitored ... There was no sound on the Doppler. They scanned me, and there was no movement in her chest. Everything was still and her heart wasn't beating. Our consultant appointment with post mitten results is next Friday. Although they are suspecting a placental abruption. 

I was very lucky and 'bled' for only 2-3 days (heavy bleeding) and then it was just spotting on and off until I was 2 weeks postpartum. We started to be 'intimate' after a week... Not to 'try' but because our hearts were broken and this has bought us so much closer, I find my husband more attractive now that when we first started dating. We are however not using protection, and in my eyes the sooner I fall pregnant the better. I don't want to replace my little girl... I couldn't. But i still want a baby in my arm. 

I hope you are all successful at getting your rainbows ... Everyone tells me to let our wounds heal. But they never will. And the thought of a healthy baby to bring home is the hope that keeps us going at the moment. Xxx


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## thumpette

So sorry to hear that sjn21, life really is so cruel. While we were trying and now I'm forever seeing heavily pregnant women smoking or parents screaming at their kids for no reason or just generally being shit parents and I feel so angry that they have healthy children with no appreciation for them. At first I was so angry that we are good people who would be good loving parents so why did it happen to us, but since I've connected with other people in parents support groups or online I realise they are all amazing people too- life is just incredibly cruel and unjust. 

What was your little girl's name? 

I completely know what you mean about being closer to your husband, mine has been amazing, he was with me every step of the way through labour and when I saw the love in his eyes for Max I fell more in love with him for that than I ever knew possible. 

As unspeakably awful as this has been I'm determined that Max's legacy will be to make us a stronger couple who can cope with anything life throws at us, because what could be worse than this? When we hopefully do have our living child (or hopefully children) it'll make us better parents too. 

I hope your results go well on Friday and that there's nothing which is likely to reoccur. Xxx


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## thumpette

I've finally got enough posts to share my blog link if anyone would like to read it. It's got some pics of our precious little boy in it too. People have told me that especially the first entry 'tgere are no words' helped them explain to family and friends what they needed as support. 
https://l4stars.wordpress.com


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## Blu10

Thumpette, your blog is heartbreaking and full if raw emotion, I wish this hadn't happened to you and your DH. Max is so so beautiful and perfect. I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon and Max will be watching you all from the stars &#128519; xx


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## Natnee

Hi sjn21, so sorry to read about Dasie. It's so cruel isn't it, why did this have to happen to us. I don't know about you but I would read or hear about this happening to people but it would never cross my mind that it would happen to me. I think even now it seems like it's all been a dream. I'll be going about my business and that 1% of the time where Poppy isn't on my mind will suddenly snap back to reality and I realise it wasn't a dream and it just hits me like a ton of bricks again. Again and again. It only happens to other people, including my own mum, 40 years ago my older brother was stillborn, full term. Therefore it wouldn't possibly happen to me, as these things don't strike people so close. How silly and naive I was. 

Thumpette I have just read your blog. I didn't at first when I noticed you'd posted the link to it earlier, as I just thought it would be too upsetting. However I was wrong. It was so moving and yes I did have tears rolling down my face but because you have completely captured every emotion I have felt and still feel. That line. I think back to the weeks/months before Poppy was born and completely oblivious to what was about to shatter my world, now there's that line. Certain songs I can't listen to because it reminds me of being pregnant. My husband has just read it too and he thought it was really lovely. 

I must ask if that's ok where you got the little star plaque from, I really love that. The words are beautiful. I keep thinking rainbows are signs, although not always the case. Last month Belle chose a little rainbow ornament to go into our fish tank, I think I was just about into the 2ww that month and thought it was a sign, alas not. I'm just going into the 2ww again, and yesterday we went to Build a Bear with her, and she chose to make a rainbow coloured bunny. Again I see it as a sign!! Silly I know!


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## thumpette

Not silly at all Nat- I really hope the little rainbow bear is your good luck charm this month. 

My friend got me the little star somewhere in London, will check with her where but I had a look and found it online here: https://www.sincerity-by-jules.co.u...ok-for-rainbows-when-its-dark-look-for-stars/


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## Natnee

thumpette said:


> Not silly at all Nat- I really hope the little rainbow bear is your good luck charm this month.
> 
> My friend got me the little star somewhere in London, will check with her where but I had a look and found it online here: https://www.sincerity-by-jules.co.u...ok-for-rainbows-when-its-dark-look-for-stars/

Aww brilliant. Now i've seen the make, I've just contacted a little shop near me, they sell the East of India plaques, while she doesn't have that one in stock she's going to order me one in specially!! Thanks for that, I love it!!! :thumbup:


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## thumpette

I love it too- it's funny how the smallest little thing can make such a difference. It totally inspired me to write the blog and inspired me to really try to live my life by the positive message it shares. We can't make this pain go away, can't stop the rain or light the dark sky but we can choose how we deal with the cruel hand we've been dealt. 

I had a really tough day yesterday but last night I came up with an idea that I love that I wanted to share with ye. 

I've decided to make a scrapbook for Max to tell his story. I'm going to start with a pic of his positive pregnancy test, write about how I felt, how I told my husband, what my early symptoms were etc. then I'm going to add loads of photos and stories about the pregnancy, concerts I went to while I was pregnant, what foods I liked eating, what his kicks were like. Then pics of the clothes we bought for him, pics of decorating his nursery. 

Then obviously the pics of him and of us all together. 

The thing I love the most about the idea is that doesn't have to be the end. I want to keep adding pics of his name written in the sand in all the countries us and our friends have done it and will continue to. We both intend to get fit and to do runs for charity in his name, we can add them. Then hopefully in years to come when we have more kids they can read the book and Max will feel real to them and they can draw little pictures for him and add them into his book. I have this image in my head of a future child drawing our family portrait of little stick people, and always adding a little star in the picture to show their big brother who will be always with us. 

I love how this idea doesn't have an end date, it can carry on into the future indefinitely so long as we keep remembering him. Xx


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## Natnee

That sounds like a lovely idea. We've got a special box that we were given in the hospital. There's a local charity to us that provide the memory boxes. It had a candle, 2 little teddies (one was buried with Poppy), a little charm, a memory stick which had poems and useful info on. They did her foot and hand prints, took photos in the hospital and also someone came in to take casts of her hands and feet which we have as a little plaque. We also took a lock of her hair so that's all in there. Did you have anything like that for Max at the hospital? There's also another charity that provided a cool cot, so Poppy could stay with us all night in the room. 

I like to try and talk about Poppy all the time with Belle so she doesn't forget. We have a picture of Poppy, that was drawn by sister in law. I don't really know how much Belle understands of what really happened, she was just about to turn 4 when Poppy died. We often take her to Poppy's grave. She still refers to the nursery as Poppy's room. Although when she started school last year and they did 'families' she didn't include Poppy in a picture she did of her family.


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## thumpette

Yeah we had a similar box from the still birth charity here. No foot or hand casts which I would have loved but have the prints and the lock of hair and the teddy and little candles and blankets. The book thing for me is more for telling the story in the future of things we do for Max. I think all of the little bits we have in whatever form are so precious. 

That must have been tough when Belle didn't draw Poppy in the picture- though it's lovely she still talks about her room. Would you help her draw another picture and maybe encourage her to draw a rainbow in the sky as the end to show that her sister is around and sends a rainbow sometimes to brighten the sky and make you all smile. Then maybe she'll always think of Poppy when she sees a rainbow just like you? Xxx


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## Natnee

thumpette said:


> Yeah we had a similar box from the still birth charity here. No foot or hand casts which I would have loved but have the prints and the lock of hair and the teddy and little candles and blankets. The book thing for me is more for telling the story in the future of things we do for Max. I think all of the little bits we have in whatever form are so precious.
> 
> That must have been tough when Belle didn't draw Poppy in the picture- though it's lovely she still talks about her room. Would you help her draw another picture and maybe encourage her to draw a rainbow in the sky as the end to show that her sister is around and sends a rainbow sometimes to brighten the sky and make you all smile. Then maybe she'll always think of Poppy when she sees a rainbow just like you? Xxx

She actually does draw rainbows quite often, there's one she's drawn stuck to the side of her bed. Next time she draws one I will have to say how I love her drawing rainbows and that it makes me think of Poppy when I see them! 

I love my little hand and feet cast as it's 3d, rather than being just an imprint, so it's like I can stroke her feet and feel her hand.


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## thumpette

Natnee said:


> thumpette said:
> 
> 
> Yeah we had a similar box from the still birth charity here. No foot or hand casts which I would have loved but have the prints and the lock of hair and the teddy and little candles and blankets. The book thing for me is more for telling the story in the future of things we do for Max. I think all of the little bits we have in whatever form are so precious.
> 
> That must have been tough when Belle didn't draw Poppy in the picture- though it's lovely she still talks about her room. Would you help her draw another picture and maybe encourage her to draw a rainbow in the sky as the end to show that her sister is around and sends a rainbow sometimes to brighten the sky and make you all smile. Then maybe she'll always think of Poppy when she sees a rainbow just like you? Xxx
> 
> She actually does draw rainbows quite often, there's one she's drawn stuck to the side of her bed. Next time she draws one I will have to say how I love her drawing rainbows and that it makes me think of Poppy when I see them!
> 
> 
> I love my little hand and feet cast as it's 3d, rather than being just an imprint, so it's like I can stroke her feet and feel her hand.Click to expand...

Yeah I'd have loved something 3d- tried to get them done but the places we called you had to bring the baby into the shop- we weren't up to explaining why that wasn't possible. Anyway I think no matter how many momentos we'd gotten it would never be enough. 

I got the results of the post mortem yesterday. Max was totally perfect. The placenta had a problem with the maturity of the blood vessels which meant he wasn't getting enough nutrients in the end. It's so awful to know how close he was. On the positive they reckon there's no additional risk of this happening to me again and no reason to not try to get pregnant as soon as possible.


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## Natnee

Oh Thumpette, so sorry. But at least it's good that there's no risk to try again. It's horrible isn't it that there wasn't really anything wrong as such that caused it. Hope you are ok.

Well I'm feeling sorry for myself today, af has arrived 2 days early. Here's been me looking for rainbows as a sign again! Although last week we saw a rainbow and I said to Belle that we can pretend that it's Poppy sending the rainbows and she seemed to like the idea.


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## thumpette

Oh no, so sorry to hear that. I hope next month is luckier! 

That's lovely about thinking about the rainbow as a message xxx


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## charlie15

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy Max. He really is beautiful. Reading your thread while about TTC afterwards really resonates with me as we lost our daughter Zoe on 25th January and I am in 2 minds, one the one hand I am petrified of being pregnant again but one the other I want yo be. For me I have to wait as my birth was traumatic resulting due to abruption and an emergency Csec and some time for me in intensive care, so I really have no choice but to wait.

I don't know if you have read the book " and they were still born" It really touched me reading about how other people keep their babies alive and what legacies they have left. I totally know what you mean about wanting to remember forever, I have been so afraid that we will forget Zoe, but how can you? 

I saw your blog, I have not had the chance to read it all but I have the same star that I also bought after Zoe died :) xxx


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## thumpette

charlie15 said:


> I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy Max. He really is beautiful. Reading your thread while about TTC afterwards really resonates with me as we lost our daughter Zoe on 25th January and I am in 2 minds, one the one hand I am petrified of being pregnant again but one the other I want yo be. For me I have to wait as my birth was traumatic resulting due to abruption and an emergency Csec and some time for me in intensive care, so I really have no choice but to wait.
> 
> I don't know if you have read the book " and they were still born" It really touched me reading about how other people keep their babies alive and what legacies they have left. I totally know what you mean about wanting to remember forever, I have been so afraid that we will forget Zoe, but how can you?
> 
> I saw your blog, I have not had the chance to read it all but I have the same star that I also bought after Zoe died :) xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. The book sounds lovely- I'll definitely look it out. I hope you are physically doing ok- I guess you have to wait at least 6 months do you? X


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## charlie15

Thank you. I would think at least 6 months. I will wait and see what my obstetrician says at my de briefing which should be soon. 

I am not sure I could manage any time sooner tbh though. Are you TTC now?have you been told what extra care you will get in your next pregnancy? I have been lucky enough to be supported by an amazing bereavement midwife and I know in another pregnancy I can see her throughout and get more reassurance scans should I want them. I hope you got good support too? I hear of some women not seeing a bereavement midwife at all.


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## thumpette

charlie15 said:


> Thank you. I would think at least 6 months. I will wait and see what my obstetrician says at my de briefing which should be soon.
> 
> I am not sure I could manage any time sooner tbh though. Are you TTC now?have you been told what extra care you will get in your next pregnancy? I have been lucky enough to be supported by an amazing bereavement midwife and I know in another pregnancy I can see her throughout and get more reassurance scans should I want them. I hope you got good support too? I hear of some women not seeing a bereavement midwife at all.

We're actively TTC already. I didn't think I was back ovulating but I've been temping and I got crosshairs now to say I oved last Friday. I don't think our timing was great if that is correct, last bd before that was Tues night- possible but unlikely. 

Yeah there's probably something to be said for an enforced waiting period. I was keen to TTC right away because of how long it took with Max and there is a chance of more fertility after a baby. I'm really not sure how I'd cope emotionally if i were pregnant.

They told me I'd get lots of extra scans and be induced around 38 weeks next time. There is a bereavemebt midwife but I've had no real dealings so far. What does yours help with?


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## charlie15

She actually does a lot of the deliveries for still births. She obviously didn't do mine as mine as I was rushed to theatre. But she took Zoe and dressed her and took lots of lovely photos whike I was in intensive care. She came and saw me and then once I was well enough I went to the bereavement room which is a room dedicated for mothers and fathers delivering a still born baby. Dads can stay the night and it's just a much nicer room. She bought Zoe to see us there and we stayed until my discharge home. Since then she has visited me twice at home. I have her work mobile number for any questions or concerns and I can arrange to see her a the hospital now, which I did last week. I am planning on seeing her again next month to chat about a future pregnancy. Then she is available to support me then too. She really does amazing work, I feel very lucky to have had her look after me, she has been a great help.


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## thumpette

charlie15 said:


> She actually does a lot of the deliveries for still births. She obviously didn't do mine as mine as I was rushed to theatre. But she took Zoe and dressed her and took lots of lovely photos whike I was in intensive care. She came and saw me and then once I was well enough I went to the bereavement room which is a room dedicated for mothers and fathers delivering a still born baby. Dads can stay the night and it's just a much nicer room. She bought Zoe to see us there and we stayed until my discharge home. Since then she has visited me twice at home. I have her work mobile number for any questions or concerns and I can arrange to see her a the hospital now, which I did last week. I am planning on seeing her again next month to chat about a future pregnancy. Then she is available to support me then too. She really does amazing work, I feel very lucky to have had her look after me, she has been a great help.

Wow that sounds a great support. My bereavement midwife just advised me to get an epidural for the birth. She gave her number alright but I've not been told what she can help with- maybe I'll contact her and see what she can offer.


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## Natnee

Hi Charlie15, so sorry to hear about your loss too. I know how you feel about being getting pregnant again, we are ttc again, but I am very anxious and scared about it. I have a bereavement midwife too, although she was only appointed in her job when we went in to get post mortem results. I had a lovely lovely midwife who helped me deliver Poppy, they were all lovely when I was in hospital. I had rather shocking treatment once I had got home and the few weeks after the birth. But when I fell pregnant again last year my bereavement midwife came to my house to see me, and as they wanted to take bloods just to check hcg levels she did that at my house. If/when I fall again she will help me getting early scans. 

I got my little star plaque the other day too! xxx


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## charlie15

Thumpette, maybe give her a call and see what she says. Even to just talk to someone about another pregnancy or how you are feeling. As for TTC I really hope you get your BFP very soon. It's amazing how quickly the body snaps back after all we endured. It felt quite biazzare to me to think I was possibly ovulating after Zoe died. 

Natnee sorry about your loss of your baby Poppy xx Great that you had a lovely midwife but I am so sorry about the poor care you received afterwards. I think I was treated so carefully by everyone as I nearly lost my own life ( sounds very melodramatic, I know, but it really is how it was) so maybe that's why I was so well cared for. But that shouldn't make a difference in my opinion. Loosing a baby is enough of a reason to give women extra special care and attention. From you signature I see you had a miscarriage after Poppy, so sorry x


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## wildflower79

Hi ladies, I'm so sorry to read about all of your heartbreaking losses :hugs:

We lost our daughter back in August, not quite at full term - I was 30 weeks. I felt desperate to be pregnant again so we started ttc not long after, but I was really struggling and obviously not ready. After taking a couple of months break, we're now back to trying again and I'm currently in the 2ww. I'm feeling stronger than I was, but still pretty anxious.

Really wishing we all get our rainbow babies x


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## thumpette

Sorry for your loss wildflower. Really hope it's a short journey for your positive result with your happy outcome this time xxx


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## Natnee

Hi wildflower, sorry about your baby girl. It's horrible how we are having to 'meet' in these circumstances isn't it. Good luck to you in your 2ww! I'm just approaching my ovulation time, hopefully over the weekend. Doing opk's for 2nd month, but first time using last month wasn't quite successful, had weird results!! 

I was feeling ok this morning, the sun is shining, I've cleaned the inside of the car (really needed doing!) makes me feel better when I get a job done like that!! So then I go onto Facebook and see that a friend, a mum who has a daughter at Belle's school is pregnant again. And she has another little girl. Makes me feel sort of angry thinking 'you've got 2 why have anymore'. It's already horrible doing the school run as there's so many other mums who have recently had babies. Now I feel pants again.


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## charlie15

Natnee said:


> Hi wildflower, sorry about your baby girl. It's horrible how we are having to 'meet' in these circumstances isn't it. Good luck to you in your 2ww! I'm just approaching my ovulation time, hopefully over the weekend. Doing opk's for 2nd month, but first time using last month wasn't quite successful, had weird results!!
> 
> I was feeling ok this morning, the sun is shining, I've cleaned the inside of the car (really needed doing!) makes me feel better when I get a job done like that!! So then I go onto Facebook and see that a friend, a mum who has a daughter at Belle's school is pregnant again. And she has another little girl. Makes me feel sort of angry thinking 'you've got 2 why have anymore'. It's already horrible doing the school run as there's so many other mums who have recently had babies. Now I feel pants again.

:hugs::hugs: I know what you mean, every Facebook announcement of a 2nd or 3rd baby kicks me in the stomach as well as seeing families of 2. I guess it's natural to feel like this, anger at the unfairness of it all. :cry:

Hi Wildflower, sorry for your loss. My baby Zoe also had Edwards syndrome. :flower:


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## wildflower79

thumpette, I've just read through your blog, thank you so much for sharing it with us. Max is just gorgeous. The amount of love that you have for him comes shining through in the words and emotions you've written. The photos you had taken are amazing. I've never heard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, but it sounds like a wonderful charity. I especially like the one with the three of you together - you make a beautiful family. I'm just so so sorry for what happened :hugs:


Natnee, It must have been so difficult for you to deal with another loss after what happened to Poppy - such a beautiful name. It all just seems so cruel :hugs: I totally understand your feelings about being scared of the next pregnancy. I had an early loss before losing our daughter, so was relieved to get to the 12 week mark. I was also nervous for my 20 week scan, but at the time everything still seemed fine. It wasn't till I got to 27 weeks that they realised something was wrong. I think in any future pregnancy I won't relax until I get my baby in my arms, and even then I'm still anxious something else could go wrong after that. Like you said though, I think if I don't try and put off doing it because of the fear, I will regret it in years to come. 


charlie, I remember you posting a thread when your baby was diagnosed with edwards. When you said you were carrying on with your pregnancy I thought how strong and courageous you were, such a wonderful mum :hugs: I'm really sorry you've not only had such a sad experience, but also a really traumatic one too. That must have been so frightening for you and your family :hugs: I was told edwards was just a one off thing, and not likely to happen again in any future pregnancy. 


I haven't had any dealings with a bereavement midwife. I can only assume my local hospital - we live in a smallish town, don't have anyone like that, because nobody mentioned anything. I have to say all the staff I did have dealings with, were wonderful and treated me with kindness and care. I spoke with the ante natal midwife at the hospital about future pregnancies and she said they'd want to see me straightaway and I could have a scan whenever I wanted one. It's good to know we'll be getting exrta support and reassurance.


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## Natnee

We are going to plant a tree at Poppy's grave this afternoon. She's buried at a natural burial ground, so once a year they have a tree planting day. We have chosen a wild cherry tree for her.


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## charlie15

Natnee said:


> We are going to plant a tree at Poppy's grave this afternoon. She's buried at a natural burial ground, so once a year they have a tree planting day. We have chosen a wild cherry tree for her.

That sounds lovely :flower:


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## wildflower79

Natnee said:


> We are going to plant a tree at Poppy's grave this afternoon. She's buried at a natural burial ground, so once a year they have a tree planting day. We have chosen a wild cherry tree for her.

That's a lovely idea. Cherry trees are so pretty x


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## Natnee

How is everybody doing? Are you still in the 2ww wildflower? I'm now 4dpo, I think, so patiently waiting that out. 

Well I know I keep looking for signs, no rainbows this time lol! But the other night I won the raffle at slimming world, and I won a scented candle. It's got a lovely saying on the front 'If you can dream it, you can do it' I know my slimming world leader had a different ideas for that, i.e. to lose weight! But I had a completely different thought about it - a baby! And the weird thing was that I said to myself, 'I really want that candle i'm going to win that' and then she called out my raffle number, was so weird.


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## LovingAngel

Hello Ladies,

I am hoping to join your group. I had my angel daughter Ava in November at 25 weeks. This is now our 3rd cycle trying and I am also on 4dpo. :) I am slightly getting concerned that my temp was only 97.41 this morning. I am hoping that doesn't mean I have I have a lack of progesterone this cycle. What do you ladies think of that? Are you ladies doing anything to increase your chances in landing a rainbow? Hubby and I just want our rainbow before next Christmas so badly.


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## DrMum

Hi ladies. I'm sorry to find there are so many of us with heartbreaking stillbirth experiences.

I just wanted to give you a light at the end of the tunnel. Last march our daughter was stillborn at 34 weeks. Her post mortem results took forever ( or so it seemed at the time). 6 weeks after her delivery by c section, I found I was pregnant, and the next day we got her post mortem results which showed an extremely rare heart condition which wasn't there yet at her 20 week scan but had evolved over time causing a heart rhythm abnormality which caused sudden in utero death. 

This pregnancy was the longest and hardest 38 weeks of my life. 

BUT our beautiful son was delivered safely a few weeks ago and is such a joy. We received such great monitoring, echos, scans the works during his pregnancy. Much harder was the psychological element and learning to control the fears. Once I accepted that pregnancy was never going to be the same for me as for most normal, carefree people, I somehow accepted that there would be things which would just be different for us.

Last week was our daughters first birthday and I must admit I felt quite overwhelmed with how much emotion we have experienced in the last 12 months. But we are survivors and here we are!

I know I'm only one story, but I also remember straight after our daughters birth desperately trying to find stats and stories and experiences to try to help me through another day. 

If any of you have specific questions please feel free to PM me and I would love to try to help. Ultimately we support each other through. 

Wishing everyone peace in their journey through this unthinkable trauma.


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## charlie15

Hi loving Angel and DrMum. I am so sorry for both of the losses of your daughters. Congratulations DrMum on your little boy, I am sure last week was very hard and painful. I too had to have a c section with my Angel, Zoe, I was thinking that I would have to wait ages before I could try again to let my uterus heal. It was my second Csection though and it wasn't straightforward as the were in there for 3 hours, but post op scan showed all is good, no adhesions, all back to normal. Would love to get pregnant again sooner that the year I am probably going to be advised at my de briefing ! At least 6 months. 

Natnee, tha candie was meant for you and your very soon to be rainbow baby I hope xx


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## thumpette

That's a lovely story DrMum- thanks for sharing! Xxx


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## LovingAngel

Dr Mum, thank you for sharing your story. It truly inspires us Angel Mommies who are waiting anxiously for our rainbows. xx


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## wildflower79

Natnee, the 2ww has now turned into the 3ww. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant though. I've taken 4 tests this week, the latest this morning and all bfn's. I really just want af to show now - I keep cramping like she's coming, but then she doesn't. I had a cycle in Oct or Nov where I was a week late too. Maybe things haven't settled down yet after giving birth. I think I must have O'd really late and probably missed my bd'ing window altogether! How is your 2ww going? Any symptoms yet? When do you plan on doing your first test?

Hi loving angel and dr mum. So sorry for both your losses :hugs: 

Thanks for sharing your story dr mum and congratulations on your little boy. Some days I get so down thinking that this might be it and I might not even have another child. Then other days I feel so lucky to have my daughter and worry about all the things that could go wrong if I did get pregnant again. It's like a spin cycle of emotions.

Really hoping this will be your lucky month loving angel x. I don't know anything about temping, because I've never done it. I see a lot of ladies on here do and I might give it a try if we don't get anywhere next cycle. I have bought some CB opks which I've never used before, so hopefully they might help. I'm just hoping they help quite fast though, because they cost a fortune!


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## Natnee

wildflower79 said:


> Some days I get so down thinking that this might be it and I might not even have another child. Then other days I feel so lucky to have my daughter and worry about all the things that could go wrong if I did get pregnant again. It's like a spin cycle of emotions.
> 
> I have bought some CB opks which I've never used before, so hopefully they might help. I'm just hoping they help quite fast though, because they cost a fortune!

Thats just how how I feel wildflower. Plus i turned 39 on Sunday so I have a rapidly ticking clock not giving me a lot of time! 

I'm now on 8/9 dpo, I'll say 8 to be safe. I did a couple of ic yesterday afternoon and thought could see something, but only holding them up to the light/lamp, but I can still see the lines now (veeeery faint), so not sure if evaps, or if evaps would've faded by now? Did another ic and a superdrug with fmu and can't see anything. I guess it's still a bit early. I have been having waves of nausea over the past few days, and also boobs are LESS hurting than normal in the week up to af.

I've used the cb digital opk, a couple of times. First time oh bought the advanced digi ones and I didn't get on with them, but last time got the normal digi ones and they seemed a bit better, got 2 days of smiley so think I can say when i might of ov.


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## charlie15

Ooh sounds exciting Natnee, fingers crossed there a strong BFP there in a few days :happydance:


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## wildflower79

Sounds promising Natnee! Keep us updated on your tests.

I've started spotting this morning, so hopefully af has finally arrived, 10 days late! Its been a weird cycle this month.

I didn't buy the advanced opks, because they sounded more complicated and the reviews weren't as good. Did you start using them as soon as af finished? What time of day did you use them?


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## Natnee

Ive been poas like a mad woman and just getting bfn, so think the other day was evaps. 

The first time I used opk's (2 cycles ago) I just bought some ic. The morning I got a really dark line, OH went and bought the advanced ones and the first day I just got a circle, but I think they all do that as they need a base line to start from. Then the next day I just got a flashing smiley, and then every day til the box ran out of sticks and I never got a solid smiley. SO I was rather confused with when I ov! Last cycle I got a pack of normal digi ones, and got 2 days of smiley faces so I think they seemed to work better for me. I started to use them about cd9/10 I think.


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## DrMum

Hope things are going well for you ladies!

I just thought I should maybe have added in that I used the clear blue fertility monitor to conceive my wee rainbow. What was interesting, was that it stayed at high for around a week before I finally got a peak. And it was that peak that I conceived. I've read that a long high is common after a stillbirth as it takes a bit longer to peak and ovulate. I also had one session of acupuncture 2 days before I got my peak.

Not sure if that will help anyone or not, but I thought I'd just add it in :D

Thinking of you all and wishing everyone wonderful rainbow babies in the very near future.


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## LovingAngel

Thanks for the helpful info again Dr Mum! I used the advanced Clearblue Opk this month and I also started acupuncture as well! I'm on CD 9 and praying for my rainbow!! :)


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## wildflower79

Well af did arrive, I was quite relieved in the end. Hoping we'll get luckier this cycle. I think I'll start using my opk's as soon as af finishes, because I'm worried I might miss something!

Have you tested anymore Natnee?


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## Natnee

Yes I've been testing like a lunatic all week and right up til this morning with an ic - bfn. Even on a frer yesterday, although from previous pregnancies I would've got a +ve by now. But then later on this morning I get a lovely visit from :witch:

So feeling pretty crap. Then I see a lady who I used to work with, when i was at work today, but not seen since before I went on maternity leave (I work in sainsburys in the clothing department and she used to come in to do the jewellery) So she was in doing her shopping and i say hi, she says 'hello how's the bab.. (about to say baby) realises and quickly says 'how are you?' So i just say pleasantries and then rush out to the warehouse and burst into tears. 

So now wondering what's up. That was a 26 day cycle, they're getting shorter. I don't know what to so. I used the opk's and thought we'd timed bd ok this month, was feeling more confident. It's 'only' the 3rd cycle this time round we've been actively trying but I turned 39 last Sunday and I'm scared that I'm just getting too old. Is it too soon to go to the doctors?


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## wildflower79

I'm sorry you've had such a disappointing and upsetting day Natnee. I still find it so hard talking to people about what happened, especially when you just bump into people unexpectedly. :hugs:

I don't think 3 months is that long (I know it seems long!) to be trying, so don't give up hope just yet. One of my aunties conceived accidentally while on bc when she was in her early 40's. If you feel like you want to talk things through or get some advice from the doctor I'd make an appointment. I'm sure they will be happy to see you after everything you've been through.

Lets hope next cycle will be luckier for all of us!

I'm on cd 6 now and might try my opk's tomorrow. I need to have a good read of the instructions yet.

How are you getting on Angel?


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## SanJan

Hello all,

This is Janaki here. Just wanted to say hi and join the club. We haven't started TTC as such after the loss yet. The Dr had advised for a 3 months break for my body, but more than that I need to get myself prepared mentally before we TTC. I mean, I badly want to have a baby but the journey quite scares me a lot. But, I'm sure my longing for a baby will take over soon and we'll be back to TTC soon. Till then I'm concentrating on weight loss as I gained a lot towards the end of pregnancy due to pre-e. I hope I can hang in here to the discussions till then.

Lots of :dust: to all you folks TTC


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## wildflower79

Hi Janaki - so sorry for your loss. I think taking a few months out is a good idea if you feel you need to. I started ttc a bit too early after my loss and taking a few months off has really helped. 

How is everybody else doing? 

I got two days of smiley faces on Weds and Thurs. We bd weds and fri night, so hope thats enough. We missed thurs cos hubby was too tired! :dohh:


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## thumpette

Sorry for your loss Janika. Xx

I'm on cd3- feel like it's my first proper period since Max was born. Last month was extremely light and painless- this just feels back to normal. Although I was dissapointed by the bfn this month there was a part of me relieved too. As much as I want it I'm so scared to be pregnant and to risk more loss. 

This month I got a new bbt thermometer and fancy digital opks. I'm also gonna keep focusing on getting fit and losing weight. I'm now 12 pound lighter than before I conceived Max and I ran my first 5k yesterday. I've also started accupuncture with a fertility accupuncture specialist. Really would love to get pg this month. My due date would be jan 13th (Max was born on jan 12th) and if they induced at 38 weeks it would be Dec 31st (which was Max's due date) would be lovely to have that connection. Fingers crossed for us all xxx


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## Natnee

I'm now in 2ww AGAIN! CD17 today. This cycle I have not done opk's. I've tried not to obsess over it TOO much, although it's hard not to!! I went by ewcm, which started last monday so we bd monday, wednesday and saturday. Did intend every other night but Friday was just so tired and had to get up for work saturday. Ewcm seemed to have cleared up by saturday but then a bit more this morning, so not sure what that was? Just hoping it was enough. So no idea when I ovulated but just have to wait and see again.

This month is going to be worst for emotions as af will be due to week before Poppy's birthday. 25th is the day I found out she'd died, then 27th she was born. I can't think of 
anything worse if af does show as I'm bad enough as it is when she shows every month let alone next week.


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## thumpette

I really hope this is your month Nat, coming up to all those painful anniversaries must be so difficult. Crossing everything that your little rainbow is planted and growing right now xxx


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## wildflower79

Well done on running your first 5k thumpette! Do you go running everyday? I can't believe how unfit I am. Me and hubby used to do a lot of mountain biking before we had our lg, but we don't get out much on our bikes these days. The other weekend lo was staying with grandparents, so we decided to go out for a ride. I had to push up every hill- even the little ones and I was exhausted when I got home. I really need to get fitter. I do walk the dogs a few miles everyday, but I guess that's not really active enough.

Where did you get your new bbt therm from? I was thinking I might start temping, but no idea where to start. Do you need to buy an expensive one? Really hoping your cycles are getting back to normal and you won't have to wait much longer for your rainbow x

Really hoping this is your month too natnee. Thinking of you as Poppy's birthday approaches :hugs:

I've had a really busy week this week, so the first part of tww has flown by! I don't really have any symptoms, so I'm not feeling too hopeful. Hoping not to test before weds or thurs.


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## thumpette

Hi wildflower, run every second day. Still crazy slow but I haven't run in the last 2 days and I really feel the difference mentally. Had a bit of a crap day today. I have been used to the anger and sense of unfairness and denial. Today I sat in Max's room where I should have spent so much time nursing him. I put 'somewhere over the rainbow' on and I just cried and cried. I just felt so unbelievably sad. 

I really hope I get a bfp soon, I so need that light of hope. 

The bbt thermometer I got was from an Irish website- was only 15 euro or something and it does the job!


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## thumpette

Nat, (sorry if this sounds like a stalker) I was just thinking about you and your 2ww and wondering how you were going so I looked up your recent posts and saw the news. I am soooooooooo happy for you. I got tingles all up my spine and my eyes got watery! Sending a million good wishes your way! Xxx


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## Natnee

thumpette said:


> Nat, (sorry if this sounds like a stalker) I was just thinking about you and your 2ww and wondering how you were going so I looked up your recent posts and saw the news. I am soooooooooo happy for you. I got tingles all up my spine and my eyes got watery! Sending a million good wishes your way! Xxx

Hey you stalker! lol! I just thought I'd better come on here and tell you guys my news, you beat me to it!! I'd been doing ic since Friday and was getting these faint lines but seemed to be only coming up after the 10 min timeframe so wasn't sure. Wasn't going to start frers for a few days but just couldn't resist this morning, and lo and behold a line came up within the 3 minutes! Faint but definatly there, and strong enough to be clear on a photo to text to oh!! Only cd24 today so nervously waiting til end of week, then the 6 weeks mark, then.. oh heck the whole pregnancy. Shit it's going to be a long time. If all goes to plan and they induce me at 37 weeks as they said they would, i'll have the best xmas present EVER. 

Crikey I'm getting all emotional again. I should've know something was up yesterday, we went to see Cinderella at cinema and I cried about 4 times!!


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## thumpette

Ha! Sorry for thunder stealing! It's only cos I care! :) 

What are ic and frers? 

I can only imagine the 33 and a bit weeks of fear ahead but I hope so much that it'll be worth it for the most amazing Christmas present. What date is your 37 weeks? Xxx


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## Natnee

Ic is internet cheapie tests, and frer is first response early results tests!

Working it out from my last af date, if I was to go full term it would be 2nd Jan, but because of being induced early it will work out at 12th Dec. I guess could go a few days either way if I date different from scans. 

I'm trying to think positively and not dwell on the past and try and think of this as just a normal pregnancy. Well not a normal one but what I'm trying to say is I'm going to try and just be as worried as anyone would be while pregnant! 

It just seems weird that I could actually have a baby by christmas!


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## thumpette

I really hope you do. Take it one day and one milestone at a time. Keep us updated! :)


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## wildflower79

So pleased to come on and read your news Nat! Really, really wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months. Did you have any symptoms before you tested?

How are you thumpette? I get bad days where the grief just seems to hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better :hugs: I think some times it does help just to open up and let everything come flooding out. 

I tested earlier after getting excited reading about Nat's bfp, but it was bfn. I'd only just been for a wee an hour earlier though, so prob not the best time to test :wacko: Af is due around Fri, so I guess there's still a chance, but for some reason I feel like its not going to be this month.


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## thumpette

Oh no, sorry about the bfn but as you say it's still early to test- especially not even with fmu. Hopefully the result will change later in the week. 

I'm ok, just wrote and shared a little ranty blog getting a few things off my chest! I know the people who have been crap probably won't even read it- but I feel better for saying it! 

https://l4stars.wordpress.com

I'm cd 12 today, ovulated on day 13 last month but I used to be more like 14-15 so we'll see. Opks showing high for 5 days- no peak so far. Temps still all over the shop! 

Fingers tightly crossed for us all! Xxx


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## charlie15

Hi everyone, I am still stalking but not much to say. Huge congratulations Nat, I am so happy for you and hopeful for your lovely Christmas bundle. I think you have a great attitude :) 

Sorry about your BFN wildflower. Can I ask you, as your daughter also had trisomy 18, do you plan on having an tests done early on? I know it's a fluke but my mind is trying to figure things out with that, do I have the harmony test, amino should I get pregnant again? 

Thumpette, I read your link to your blog. It totally resonated with me, the help or the deep hurt that others can cause, how everything is so polarised. I feel that too with so many people, you really see who your true friends are. I hate it when people don't acknowledge Zoe, it makes me feel like a part of me is invisible. Lots of hugs. By the way you write beautifully. 

AFM, I saw my obstetrician last week for the de brief and he has given us the all clear to TTC when we are ready, which surprised me but I am happy about that. We have not TTC this month, but we also were not preventing either, but not intentionally at all! I would also prefer to not try next month as the due date would be almost the same as the day Zoe was born and died, and I want that date to be all hers alone. It I am starting acupuncture, I had been having I since we lost Zoe for healing so will try I now for TTC, I have not used it before but I have really enjoyed it and really like my acupuncturist too, she's very lovely.


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## thumpette

That's it exactly. The part you say about feeling like a part of you is invisible. When I read back over it I see I mention the tan thing a lot! As you might be able to tell it really wrecks my head when people suggest that I'm having a great holiday! Glad it resonated with you- it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I've found writing so therapeutic. 

That's really good news that you got the ok to TTC whenever you feel ready. Xxx


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## wildflower79

I can relate to what you're saying too thumpette. When we first lost dd, I found it so difficult when people didn't acknowledge her life. I remember some conversations, where I suppose people meant well and were trying to make me feel better/more positive, but what they were saying just seemed crazy. How you describe part of you as being invisible, is exactly how it feels, and for me thats just got worse over time. Hardly anybody ever speaks to me about dd anymore and I feel as though I've become quite withdrawn from others with my feelings and emotions about what happened. 

charlie, I'm glad to hear your dr's given you the all clear to start ttc. It must have been so hard not knowing how long you'd have to wait. 

I was just thinking the other night about future tests I might have done. At the moment I think I'd just feel so lucky to be pregnant again, I really don't think I could risk having cvs or amnio. I'd definitely consider having the harmony test, depending on how finances were at the time. I know that's not 100% though, although its pretty accurate.


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## thumpette

How's TTC going since wildflower? Have you tested again since. Looks like I'm ovulating today! Ewcm and a peak on my opk. Hopefully performance anxiety doesn't get to himself now!


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## SanJan

Hi all,

Congrats Natnee :) :happydance:

Well, we had a counselling last week with the high risk specialist and got the reports for tests on all clotting disorders. Everything came back normal. And Dr has given a go ahead for TTC from next month when we feel upto it. The trouble is I really don't know if I'm up to it or not. Sorry for the rant, but the fear of something going wrong itself is going to get me so stressed out. And even if I try to see the positive side and hope that things will go well, then the guilt overtakes the fear. How do you get better from this :cry:

Currently, we have planned to be on NTNP mode. Lets see how it goes.


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## charlie15

Sanjan, well it's good news that all is ok. But yes I hear you as to when emotionally you are ready. It's so hard. I lost my daughter 4 days before you lost your daughter. Currently I feel ready on the one hand to go, but on the other I feel very emotionally drained. I guess my way of dealing with that is that I am taking a pretty laid back approach to TTC this time, no charting, no OPKs just plain old DTD at what should be the right time! I don't have the energy to invest any more than that. But we are all different and I don't think time heals as such, but with time you develop skills to cope with your loss and the feelings you gave about moving forward. Big hugs x

Wildflower, I know that invisible feeling does get worse. It's when you can shut down conversations by mentioning anything to do with your baby or pregnancy. And from what I read, a pregnancy after a loss means others breathe a sigh of relief, thinking it's all ok now! It's very hard. I go back to work next week and I am dreading it! The last time I was there I was very pregnant. 

I got AF a couple of days ago. I am undecided about TTC this month. Crazily the due date would be the day we lost Zoe! What would you all do? I cannot decide should we or leave it? Chances are it won't happen but you never know! Not sure how I would feel with a baby been born around that time. Also for me I want that to be Zoe's time. Does that sound odd?


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## wildflower79

Sanjan, glad to hear your tests came back normal. It is so hard beginning to ttc again. I felt so scared when I first started and even now I wouldn't say I feel v confident or positive, but I do feel a bit more able to cope with things than I did for those first couple of months x

thumpette, I didn't bother to test again because I could tell af was on her way and she ended up arriving on thurs morn :growlmad: At least she was on time this month. I had a couple of really down days, but have picked myself up a bit now. Looking on wards to next cycle and trying to keep myself busy in the mean time.

What time of day do you use the opks? I did mine first thing in morn, but wondering if I should have checked it in the aft too. Or maybe I'm just stressing too much over timings. Fingers crossed and really hoping this is your month x

charlie, that must be so difficult deciding whether to try this month. We were taking a break from ttc when it would have meant the same due date, so I didn't really have to worry about it. It's such a personal choice and just depends on how you think you'll feel about it in the future. I don't think it sounds odd at all about wanting it to be Zoe's time :hugs: Good luck for work next week - hope you get on ok x


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## thumpette

In terms of trying on a month which would lead to a due date similar to the baby that died- we have that this month. In some ways I would dread it as I know it would be a tough time but in another way I'd love for another baby to have that connection with their special big brother. 

I'm so obsessed I couldn't handle holding off a month anyway so we've been really trying. 

I do the opks with Fmu (it says to on the directions on these) I got a low reading the first day and then 8 high readings and then a peak on day 15. Some ewcm yesterday (day 15) and then loads (more than I've ever had this morning). Dtd yesterday evening and this morning. Hopefully will get a temp rise tomorrow to confirm ovulation. It didn't rise today, but could also be because I've been sleeping so badly for the last couple of nights. So delighted we've done well with timing, despite the pressure, and also hopeful around the peak reading and the crazy ewcm. Trying not to get my hopes up but it's hard!


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## thumpette

No temp rise today- so confused! But I've been sleeping really badly and my timing has been all over the shop so it might be that. Have a really dodgy stomach tonight too! Hate the 2ww! Just focusing on running now.


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## thumpette

Finally had a good night's sleep and a huge temp rise- tho I think I OVed on day 16. I was messing with FF and I changed it to work off OPK results instead of temp. Does anyone know how to get it back?


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## charlie15

Yey for temp rise thumpette!


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## SanJan

Thumpette - Yay for the temp rise. Hopefully the 2WW goes on soon and you get to the testing soon :happydance:

Charlie - I totally get the going to work part. But, trust me, once the initial period is over, getting into the rhythm of work helps you a bit. I had actually cut short my maternity leave and joined back in March itself(Otherwise I should be joining around this time). 

And, right there with you on the due date thing too. That's the main reason we don't want to TTC at least till august. Anyways, we are planning on taking a break from TTC till next year Jan, till Ananya's birthday - I need this time both physically and emotionally.


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## thumpette

Sanjan, I have such respect for anyone who is able to be logical about needing the time to grieve and heal and can wait. I think it'll be such a positive thing long term. For me- logic doesn't get much of a say, I just want a baby to bring home so badly I know I'll cope with whatever trying throws up. I'm not one for patience! 

Feeling hopeful but trying to keep realistic. 7dpo today. I've just not been feeling myself- I have a constant niggling headache. My stomach is very sensitive. I've been getting mad waves of nausea over the last 2 days (tho haven't been sick) The most exciting one (because it was an early sign with Max) is that I'm burping a fair bit! Took a test this morning and it was neg but I guess it is very early! Trying to be realistic but still feeling a little bit hopeful!


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## SanJan

Hi, Great about the symptoms :) its too early to test though. So, keeping everything crossed.

Well, most of the times, logic works, but there are still days when I just want to chuck all the logic out of the window and start trying :haha: Thankfully, things are really busy with me going back to work after long time and we moving to a different house and all,so it helps..


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## wildflower79

sounds promising thumpette! really hoping you get your bfp soon x


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## thumpette

Thanks wildflower. I'm trying to remind myself that my head is probably trying to convince my body of these symptoms cos I want it so much. Trying to not get too hopeful but it's hard x


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## wildflower79

I know what you mean thumpette - I've had pregnancy symptoms every cycle up to now. I'm not even going to think about symptoms this cycle. How are you getting on? Have you tested anymore?

I'm just waiting for O day, but it seems to be taking forever! It should hopefully be around thursday if I'm on time.


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## thumpette

Head totally wrecked! I feel pregnant. The nausea and wind especially. Anyway I had a temp drop today (still not holding much faith in my temps this month because of sleeping so badly) I normally get my drop the day I start my period, so I was worried I'd start today and then not only not be pregnabt but also have too short a luteal phase (today is either 9 or 10 dpo) Anyway went to the loo around 12 hours ago and there was pink in the water and light pink when I wiped. I thought that was the start of AF. We went for a long walk which always gets my flow going but when I wiped after there was barely anything. Been checking all evening- there's an odd bit of pinkish red discharge but when I wiped just now nothing again! I don't think it's AF? Not yet anyway. Could it be an implantation bleed? Technically yes but I'm trying not to hope! Away for a mini break and don't have a test with me! Going to buy a first response one tomorrow when the chemist opens and take it Wednesday morning if no sign of AF by then. I'll either be 11 or 12 dpo by then. Fingers crossed!


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## wildflower79

It could be implantation bleeding! fingers crossed for you x


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## thumpette

Had a temp jump again today- but the bleeding has continued! It's quite red now- which makes me think I'm out but still not as heavy as normal period blood. I took a test this evening and it was bfn. My head is all over the place. Going to take another test in the morning but I'd say the fact I'm still bleeding after 36 hours and it's quite red means I'm out &#128543;


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## wildflower79

That sounds really confusing. No wonder your head is all over the place! I don't know why our bodies have to behave so crazy, just at the time we need them to be acting normally. I really hope you can figure out what's going on x

I had a neg opk this morn, was kinda expecting to see a smiley face. I started with ewcm around lunch time, but twice when I've wiped its been streaked with blood? I've never had that before. Freaked me out a bit, but since I've googled it it sounds like a few ladies do get it around ov. I'm just hoping its not a sign I've already O'd, because hubby's been ill and we've not had chance to bd yet.


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## thumpette

That sounds weird, it's amazing all the weird symptoms that can happen and be normal but that no-one has heard off. I stopped bleeding for hours earlier but back really heavy this evening so I think my last bit of hope is gone. I hope this us your month wildflower x


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## Natnee

Hi guys, things not looking so promising for me. So i'm 5+5 today and as if on cue I get some weird discharge this morning, just the same as when I started the mc at 6 weeks last year. Took it easy today and it seemed to ease but it's got worse again this evening, and hitting my panty liner rather than just when wiping. It's just like a browny discharge rather than bleeding or red. I just knew this would happen. It's Belle's birthday tomorrow and I've got a party to sort out for her on Sunday. 

I even spoke to my bereavement mw the other day and she booked a scan for me in a few weeks when I will be 8+6. Don't think I'll get to that!


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## wildflower79

Hi Nat, I'm really sorry to read things aren't looking good. It's so unfair, you've been through so much already :hugs: How are things this morning? Have you been in touch with the dr or hospital? I really hope they'll book you in for a scan asap. Hang in there till you find out more, it might not be as bad as your fearing x


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## charlie15

Hi ladies! Sorry it wasn't your month Thumpette, here's hoping for you next month!

Wildflower, did you get your smiley face??

Natnee, I am so sorry that you think this pregnancy is not progressing. I hope you manage to get a scan soon and that its just funny early tri bleeding and nit another mc xx

Not a whole lot to say on TTC here, we didn't this month, but will next month. I am back at work and it's tough. A few people talk to me about what happened and ask, which I far prefer. Most just behave as if I have been on holiday for a whike! Back to that feeling invisible again. But I only work 2 days a week, so at least I am not full time :)


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## Natnee

I'm pretty sure it's gone. It's pretty much just like a period. Passed quite a biggish clot earlier. If still bleeding tomorrow I hopefully will be able to see a registrar and they will also take bloods to check whatever.


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## wildflower79

Thinking of you Nat :hugs:

How are things with you thumpette?

Hoping things get easier for you at work charlie. And fingers crossed you get a lucky first month ttc. Will you be using opk's or temping or anything? 

I never did get my smiley face and now I've run out of opk's. So I don't know if I just missed my surge, or if I haven't even o'd yet. I had the ewcm on weds, so you would think O would have happened by now? It's a bit confusing!


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## charlie15

I'm sorry Natnee, did you see the doctor at all? 

Wildflower I have opted not to do OPKs or temp, I did with my last 2 pregnancies but not with my daughter. I learnt a lot temping though. Mostly that I O on CD14 and that's when I am most likely to get pregnant. Any later I end up with a really weak O and a short LP. So the plan is BD like crazy around CD14. I can usually tell when I have O'd though. Last month was CD 14 so think my body is back on track now. Are you temping at all? 

How are you thumpette?


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## Natnee

Hi ladies. I've been to the Epac and had a scan but sadly I've lost this one too.


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## charlie15

Natnee said:


> Hi ladies. I've been to the Epac and had a scan but sadly I've lost this one too.

I'm so so sorry, lots of hugs :hugs:


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## thumpette

Sorry I haven't been online for a few days. Oh Nat, I'm devestated for you. I'm so so sorry. Sending you so much love and hugs and good wishes. 

I'm grand- 4 months today. Missing my little guy so much. 

Www.L4stars.wordpress.com

I'm cd8, not temping this month- trying to tone down the crazy. Still TTC and will be using opks etc. trying not to get as blindly optimistic as last month. It hurt too much. 

Again Nat, so so sorry! &#127775;&#127775;&#127775;


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## wildflower79

Oh Nat, I'm so sorry - was really wishing for some good news for you. It's so unfair you're having to go through even more heartache. Thinking of you and sending you :hugs: x


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## SanJan

Nat, really sorry :hugs:


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## Natnee

It's really sinking in today, feeling so down and confused to what to do now. I guess I sort of knew i'd lost it before the scan, that had just confirmed it. Then yesterday I had Belle off school as she had to go to hospital for an eye test (she needs glasses bless her) 

Anyway today on my own again and it's sinking in a bit more. I'm not going to have my baby by christmas as I'd thought. I think I'm feeling down a lot about Poppy as well. I almost breezed through her birthday as 'I was pregnant' so it lightened the whole weekend. So now the sadness from her birthday is hitting me. 

I don't know what to do about trying again. Of course they say to wait a cycle but it's purely for dating purposes, so THAT isn't going to stop me. So normally they won't do any tests or anything unless you've had 3 mc, but my bereavement mw says she is going to arrange an appointment with a consultant. But then the lady who carried out the scan said 'ooh you might even be pregnant again by the time you see the consultant' which to me sounds like the appointment won't be for a couple of months, after all they've just said to wait a cycle! 

I do want to try again straight away and not wait a cycle, but then what if there IS a reason i've had 2 mc at 6 weeks, there's a problem that's causing them. If I got pregnant again straight away it might happen again at 6 weeks. I'm 39 it's not like I can be breezy about this and wait a few months/several months. Of course the mw is saying 'you're not old we see plenty of women in their 40's having babies'. Yeah maybe but I don't want to be that far into my 40's having babies. I think of the future - when it's 10 I'll be 50, when it's 20 I'll be 60. I can't be adding many more years onto those figures. 

They advised me I could start taking aspirin as soon as I fell pregnant again which could help if I have blood clotting problem that can cause mc, but won't hurt if I don't. But I can't help thinking what if it's not that, but it's x,y,z that needs alternative treatment. 

I'm thinking of just going to speak to my GP and just sound it out to her, not wanting to go behind my bereavement mw back or anything but I guess just to get a different medical opinion.


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## thumpette

Can totally understand your predicament Nat. I think having a good chat with your GP could only help you make sence of it all. It's just so unfair after all you've been through that you're going through this now. Xxx


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## Natnee

Yes it really really sucks. I'm wondering what I've done to deserve all this! 

Felt so low this morning, it doesn't help when Belle says things like 'I really want to be a big sister'! 

But had some slightly better news, that I've got an appointment to see a consultant on the 2nd June, so only a couple of weeks (ish) to wait. I think I can cope with that!


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## charlie15

Aww Hun it totally sucks. I am at least glad you don't have long to wait to see your consultant. Lots of hugs xxx


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## wildflower79

Glad your appointment came through so quickly Nat. I really hope you get some answers or some reassurance that everything is ok. I know people that have had early losses in a row and then gone on to have a healthy pregnancy. I can totally understand you questioning why its happened though and its always scary to think it might happen again :hugs:

Charlie, I've never done temping, but I might try it if we don't conceive in the next few cycles. Even just to get a better idea of how my body is working! I don't think I'm going to bother with the expensive digital opk's anymore either. I might order some internet cheapy ones instead.

I'm going to take a month off ttc next cycle. We're away with family beginning of July and if we fell that cycle I'd be around 5/6 weeks while we're away and I'm just too scared something might go wrong. It'll be nice to just be able to relax and enjoy my holiday too.


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## thumpette

Officially 2ww time again. Managed to bd every day for the last 4 days- very impressed with DH! Gonna skip a day and then one more for luck. Had lots of super stretchy cervical mucus so hopefully it's a good sign. Trying to think of all the reasons why it'd be bad to get pg this month. I am doing a 10k run on June 1st in memory of Max for the Irish stillbirth charity. I'll walk it anyway but if I'm not pg I can properly go for it. Also we have tickets to go to Blur in Blackpool on June 10th. If I'm not pg I can really enjoy the gig and the rollercoasters. If I am I'd probably give my ticket to my brother in law and stay at home wrapped in cotton wool and checking for blood every 30 seconds! Obviously I'm really hoping I am pg- this is just me trying to prepare myself!


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## Natnee

Fingers crossed for you Thumpette!!!

We're going to see Take That at the O2 in a couple of weeks. Thinking I might be pregnant, we got seated tickets, normally we go for standing to get right down the front! Now have probably got to take my binoculars as we're right at the back :dohh:


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## thumpette

How have you been doing Nat? Holding off trying again until you have your consultation? Been thinking lots about you. It really is so unfair what you've been through. Hope you enjoy Take That! Seen them a few times and they are always amazing! Still remember the circus tour- just unreal. Hope you manage to enjoy it xxx


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## Natnee

I love them! I've been a fan since they were about first time round, went to their concerts then. Seen all the latest concerts. Just gutted Jason Orange left as he was my favourite! I feel so much for Gary as his wife had a stillborn little girl a few years ago, also called Poppy. Every time I hear his song "Let me go' it gets me as he wrote that about her. 

I'm thinking it would be wise to wait and see what happens from my appointment, seeing as I haven't got to wait too long for it. At first I was like 'right lets just try straight away but I think it would be better to see if there's actually a problem going on first.


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## thumpette

Knew about Poppy but didn't know about that song! He's very upbeat on it! Yeah it'll be weird with just 3 of them now! (Robbie's not back for this tour is he?) 

When the appointment is so soon it seems like a good idea to wait. Hopefully a small adjustment somewhere will help you get to bring a precious baby home screaming next time. 

I'm 4dpo- trying not to go mad with symptom spotting and false hope but it's so hard. Will probably test next sat (12 dpo) if evil AF doesn't make an early appearance again xxx


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## thumpette

6 dpo. Going to the toilet a lot today and having slight uti pain (early sign with Max) also having slight twinges in my side- trying not to get my hopes up! &#128584;


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## wildflower79

Really hope they're early symptoms for you thumpette! How's preparation for the big run going?

Hope you enjoy the Take That concert Nat. I remember when they split up first time round and half the girls in my class at school were inconsolable! I was never really into TT that much, but had huge crushes on the guys from Bon Jovi :blush:

Af is offically a few days late for me now! Was due around last thurs. I've had some pretty bad nausea for just over a week. Some days it comes and goes, some days its there constantly and it varies between being mild and then pretty severe. I also have sore bb's. I've got two tests in my drawer upstairs, but I've been too scared to take them! :dohh: I kinda want to give af a few days to see if she arrives, because I'm worried if I get a positive test it might turn out to just be a chemical.


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## thumpette

Ah wildflower! So excited for you! I am in awe of your willpower! Really hoping this is the lucky month for you xxx


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## wildflower79

I don't know about willpower - feels more like I want to bury my head in the sand from all the worry for a bit longer! I'm still not sure when to test. If I get to thurs with no af, then I'll be a week late, so might test then.

When are you planning on testing?


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## charlie15

Oh I so hope BFPs for you both. But I totally get your not wanting to test Wildflower xxx


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## thumpette

I'm probably going to test on Friday but it'll still be too early probably then. I'll test again on Monday before the run if no AF before. Good luck wildflower! Are your cycles normally regular?


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## wildflower79

I caved early! Do you think that line looks alright? I've heard bad things about the blue dye tests. It did come up within 2 seconds. I'll get some digi's when I get chance to go to sainsburys.
 



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## thumpette

Ahhhh! That looks like a very clear line to me! So so happy for you! Xxx


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## thumpette

Wildflower I'm waiting hard on the digital test! Get thee to sainsburies! &#128536;


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## charlie15

Looks like a BFP to me! Congratulations Wildflower. Hope you're not feeling too freaked out. Xxx


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## wildflower79

Thanks ladies! I made it to Sainsburys. Just got 2-3 on the cb digi! I was so scared it was going to say not pregnant or just come up 1-2. I'll test again in a few days and hopefully it might have gone up to 3+.

I'm not too freaked out at the moment, but not really thinking too far ahead. Just going to take a day at a time, because that's all I can deal with for now.

Fingers crossed for you testing on Fri thumpette x

How are things with you charlie? x


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## charlie15

One day at a time is a good way to be. The best way :) yey for 2-3 on digi!! 

I am good. CD 13 today so should be Oing tomorrow. We are going for it this month for the first month TTC, yikes!


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## thumpette

Amazing Wildflower! All anyone can do is one day at a time. I took a notion and tested this evening. Negative but way too early, on an old internet cheapie not even using fmu! 
Will let ye know how Friday goes. 
Wildflower- you've made my day!


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## thumpette

Feeling a bit pmt-y today. Slight achey back and general body aches. I feel like I'm out already :(


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## SanJan

That's awesome news Wildflower :)

So happy for you :happydance:


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## wildflower79

Wishing you lots of luck charlie x

Aww, I really hope it's not af on her way thumpette x

Thanks sanjan x


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## thumpette

Took a first response test this morning. BFN &#128543; today is 11 dpo so potentially still too early but I think if I'm honest with myself now I know I'm out. I want another baby so badly. This is so unfair :(


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## wildflower79

It is so unfair thumpette :hugs: It's so difficult getting your hopes up each month, just to have them all taken away from you again. I really hope your rainbow isn't too far away x


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## thumpette

Thanks wildflower! AF arrived today. Gutted but sure what can you do. Hope you and bean are doing good xxx


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## wildflower79

Sorry about af arriving x

I woke up in the night with pretty bad stomach ache. Sent me into a right panic! I managed to get an appointment with a dr at a&e this morning, but he didn't really do much. Basically said there wasn't much you can do this early and just wait and see what happens. He said the stomach ache might not be anything to do with the pregnancy. I've not been so bad this afternoon, but its started up again after eating my dinner. I don't know, maybe I've just eaten something dodgy, but can't help worrying it's all going wrong. Haven't had any bleeding up to now, which I suppose is a good sign. I might ring the midwife in the morning if its still hurting, see what she says.

I think its tomorrow you said you were running your 10k? Hope all goes well for you.


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## charlie15

Sorry that AF has arrived Thumpette :( let this month be your rainbow baby :) 

Wildflower, I have had some awful cramps with all pregnancies, including my daughter, hopefully it's just the baby settling in. But I can totally imagine how every twinge is going to worry you. I do think pregnancy after what any of us have gone through will be at all easy. Hugs and keep us posted xx


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## Natnee

Congratulations wildflower!! 

I'm just sooooo cross. Was supposed to be seeing a consultant tomorrow. OH rang to check where we were going at the hospital to be told they want to put the appointment back a week, because my notes hadn't yet been got from the archives. The consultant wants to read through them first. Well they've had a couple of weeks from when the appointment was made and I can understand she wants to read them, BUT I don't know what a blind bit of difference that will make to my current circumstances as I could tell her in one breath what my history is. 'little girl born no complications and now 5 years old, little girl stillborn with no complications throughout pregnancy and no results from tests as to why she died, no previous history of mc until now.' Can't see how any of my past has any reference to me now. 

Just so pissed off, they've had 2 weeks to sort this out. Everythings just been put back a week now. Still waiting for af to come after mc, and we haven't bd so no chance of me being pregnant yet. Just hoped might be somewhere into getting some answers if there are any. 

OH has emailed the specialist at the local private hospital to see what he can suggest. If the NHS can't even get my notes available what faith do I have in them doing tests etc.


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## wildflower79

Nat, that's so annoying. How hard can it be to find some notes!! I would have presumed all notes would be on computer these days?? Really hope they get their act together soon and hopefully you'll get some better help from the private hospital x 

Thanks charlie. I'm still getting some painful stomach pains, but not as bad as they were that night. I'm not even sure if it's baby related or maybe some ibs type pain.

I went to see a nice doctor at my surgery yesterday and she helped me feel a bit better. I'd really let the anxiety get the better of me and was feeling really panicky all the time. She's referred me to a mental health support worker, so hopefully that might help with the anxiety issues a bit. She's put me in for an early scan, but she said it's about a 6 week wait, so won't really be early by the time it comes through! I'm debating whether to book a private one for around 7 weeks. I'm still so scared I won't even get that far though. Nausea has been worse last day or two - I'm hoping that's a good sign. Got my booking in app with midwife on thurs.


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## charlie15

Oh Nat sorry you have been messed around! I hope some way or another you get what you need xx

Wildflower, I can imagine how much anxiety you are having. I think I would be the same. If you think an early scan would help you, then I would have a private one. Myself I am not a fan of early scans, but that's me! I know plenty of ladies who get them for a variety of reasons.

Hope baby is getting comfy in there x


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## thumpette

Nat I was just coming on to see how your appointment went- that is a joke that they've put you off! Grrr. I hope it at least happens next week. :( 

Wildflower, hope the pains arent anything to worry about- come on sticky bean. 

Im cd7 again- mad how it rolls around! Did a mini marathon on Monday in aid of Feileacain who are the Irish stillbirth and neonatal death charity. Was all very emotional because 8 people (including my sister) initially promised they'd do it with me in Max's name and every one of them dropped out for one reason or another- some without even telling me. 

Anyway I did it with one of the girls from my support group and also my best friend (who hadnt thought i wanted her to do it at first) and it was lovely to remember Max and wear a tshirt with his name. Had really bad AF cramps and was bleeding quite heavily but managed to jog the whole 10k so very proud of myself!
 



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## charlie15

Thumpette, well done you!!! What a great thing to do. I love the medal. Sorry all those people cancelled on you! That's not very supportive unless they had a very good reason, could have come to cheer you on.

I am now 8dpo. Trying not to symptom spot!!


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## thumpette

Hi Girls, 

I just wrote a blog entry about ttc after loss- I thought you might like to read it Xxx

https://l4stars.wordpress.com/2015/06/07/my-lie/

AM


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## Natnee

Oh wow Thumpette, amazing words from you again. You completely sum up what goes around in my head but I just can't put into words. 

Hopefully my appointment goes ahead tomorrow, not heard either way from them. My OH had emailed the Dr at our local private hospital but don't think he's heard back from him. 

I guess the slight bit of good is that af came back practically right on time on Friday at 29 days so I'm now on cd4. And it's also not been too heavy, was worried it might be but it even seems to be lighter than normal and almost finished.


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## thumpette

Thanks Nat, really hope it goes ahead tomorrow- good that your in time for ov this cycle too if you get the ok to go ahead. Hope you get some answers xxx


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## wildflower79

Well done thumpette - you should be very proud of yourself! - especially finishing when you weren't feeling your best. 

Thanks for sharing your blog again. I have all these muddled up thoughts and feelings going round my head and I could never put them down into words the way you do. 

Nat, I really hope your appointment goes ok tomorrow. Sounds good that your cycle has returned to normal and hopefully it won't be long before your rainbow comes along x

Fingers crossed charlie. Are you planning on testing early?

I can't seem to stop worrying about every little thing. I was so relaxed my last pregnancy, even after having an early mc before. We were in the middle of moving house, so v busy and I guess that helped. Time seems to be going so slowly this time!

I was called today for an early scan. I think they must have had a cancellation. I got to see a little heartbeat flickering away, which I was so happy about. The tech said I was measuring smaller than what I thought I was though, so that's made me a bit worried. She put me around 5 weeks instead of 6. It's possible my dates are out by a bit, but I can't see they could be out that much, because I was getting ms pretty early on. I know measurements aren't always v accurate early on, but I can't help worrying. It's going to be a long few weeks!


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## charlie15

Hope all went well today Nat. Hope they got your notes! 

Thumpette, have not had a chance to read your latest in you blog as had family from Oz over so busy. But I will as I too love the way you write, very eloquent and on the mark. How are you doing otherwise? 

Wildflower yey about heart beat on the scan. I wonder if the measurements are that accurate and I thought you rarely saw a HB at 5 weeks. I think worry is very natural after all you have been through. I too had a MC before I lost Zoe, also T18 so our stories are sadly very similar. 

AFM, well I got a BFP yesterday. I finally tested as I deep down knew I was pregnant. Had been having loads of cramping which I never have. I am really trying not to think about it at all as its so early. So let the worry commence!


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## wildflower79

Congratulations charlie, that's amazing news! xx


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## Natnee

Fantastic, congratulations Charlie! xx 

Well I had my appointment and it went ok. The consultant was really nice, you know how some healthcare people aren't really people people, but she was good. She explained how my age will affect things (i'm 39) so gave us percentages of having another miscarriage. I'm still in the 25% zone, it's when I go over 40 the risk increases to 50%. 

They took bloods so will be testing my thyroid, hormones and also blood clotting. It was in a way a good thing after all that they put the appointment back as one of the things they are testing is best done on certain days of your cycle, 3 or 4 I think she said. She said 'come in when your day 4 to get the bloods done' when I said I was on day 5 she said that was ok so I was able to go and get all the bloods done. 

She also said to wait til July to try but I don't know about that!! If I was to fall this cycle I would still manage to have a baby age 39, but leaving it a month I'll be 40!! She said give your body a chance to settle down after the mc but in my opinion as it was only at 6 weeks, and af came back at the right time, I can't see how affected my body has been. It's not like a loss at a later time. We'll see!!


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## charlie15

Nat appt sounds good. Great that you are getting lots of testing done. I agree I wouldn't want to wait until July especially like you say it was an early mc and your body has snapped back fast. 

I have a feeling that I am having a chemical pregnancy. The line got darker yesterday but now is lighter than it was 2 days ok. I don't have any symptoms as such, which I know is early but normally I would be bloated now and I am not. Time will tell I guess. But now I am just expecting a late AF.


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## Natnee

charlie15 said:


> Nat appt sounds good. Great that you are getting lots of testing done. I agree I wouldn't want to wait until July especially like you say it was an early mc and your body has snapped back fast.
> 
> I have a feeling that I am having a chemical pregnancy. The line got darker yesterday but now is lighter than it was 2 days ok. I don't have any symptoms as such, which I know is early but normally I would be bloated now and I am not. Time will tell I guess. But now I am just expecting a late AF.

Aww hope everythings ok Charlie. :hugs:


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## thumpette

Wildflower, hope everything is going ok? I'd deffo take seeing the little heartbeat as a good sign xxx

Charlie, fingers crossed for you that it's a sticky bean, 

Nat, glad you got your appointment at last and that they are taking it seriously with tests eTc, I wouldnt wait either! Hopefully this is your month! 

I'm cd 13 today's got my +opk this day last month but still neg today! &#128543;


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## wildflower79

Nat, so glad you got a nice dr at your appointment - it really makes a difference. I wouldn't worry about waiting either if you don't want to. It sounds like your body has got back into its usual cycle, so I can't see why you'd need to wait.

Charlie, hope things are ok? Really hope it was just a dud test and not a sign of a cp :hugs:

Do you usually ov on cd 13 thumpette or is it sometimes later? Have you had any ewcm? That's what I went by last cycle, dtd every couple of days, since I never did get my +opk. 

Sickness has kicked in for me pretty bad at the moment! Although it's not nice, I'm hoping it's a good sign that things might be going ok.


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## thumpette

How are you feeling wildflower? 

Finally got a +opk yest. Hubby sick but managing to dtd so far! Brave solider! Just hoping even if I don't get pg this month that I'll have a decent luteal phase!


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## charlie15

Good luck Thumpette! 

Wildflower hope the sickness isn't too bad. Did you have that with your last pregnancy?

Well it was as I suspected a chemical pregnancy. Which is ok, better to go wrong straight away than later. So it's fine. I saw a FS after my loss with Zoe as I wanted some opinions on having investigations to make sure my insides were all ok after the traumatic nature of Zoe's birth, they did advise a hystoscopy which I will have over th next couple of months. Anyway I spoke to me FS today and told him about the chemical. He has advised me to have my natural killer cells tested. After I had my first daughter I developed post partum thyroiditis which then became Hashimoto's thyroiditis ( an auto immune disease) that can be connected to resurrect losses. Not sure how that would relate to Zoe though as she had T18. But I guess there's so much they don't know so worth getting it checked out.


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## wildflower79

I'm sorry charlie :hugs: Hoping your tests come back as showing no problems and it won't be long before you get your next bfp x

Good luck thumpette x

I do usually get sickness when I'm pregnant, so getting used to it now! Still feeling anxious and worried. 12 weeks can't come quick enough! If everything's ok at 12 week scan we've been thinking we might have the private nifty test to check for edwards. That'll be a worrying couple of weeks but I think I just need to know.


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## thumpette

Sorry Charlie, hadn't seen your post. Lots of hugs xxxx

Wildflower, libel to hear things are progressing but of course your anxious. Test sounds like a good idea if it gives you some peace of mind. 4dpo today- not feeling hopeful because of the lack of ewcm- have a feeling I didn't ovulate at all. Started taking a vit b complex today to see if it'll lengthen my luteal phase. One of my friends who had her stillbirth the week after me just found out she's pregnant. Beyond thrilled for her- so hoping everything is ok! Here's to lots of rainbows lighting the sky! &#127752;&#127752;&#127752;&#127752;


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## wildflower79

Hi ladies, how is everyone doing?

I'm plodding through 1st tri - time is still going by slowly. Got my first consultant app and 12 week scan on the 17th July. 

Hope everyone's ok x


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## wildflower79

Ugh, just spent the evening at A&E. Got a blood test earlier from the gp because I've been feeling a bit breathless at times this week and the test came back slightly raised for chance of blood clot.

I can't have a scan till probably mon now as the u/s department is closed for the weekend! Dr in a&e seemed to think not likely a blood clot, but she couldn't say 100%. They've started me on injections just in case. Back home now but feeling worried!


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## charlie15

Oh Wildflower sorry you have been in A&E with this added stress. I work in A&E, the blood test that they do to check for clots is always raised in pregnancy so very unreliable as a marker. So hopefully it's pregnancy breathlessness, which I get badly right from mid 1st tri and not a PE. But you're on the treatment in case. Hope it's nothing more than just another pregnancy irritation! Yey for scan date, how ar you feeling about that? Have you decided on NIPT? 


I am fine. Unfortunately no TTC this month as OH is out of the country for my 5 fertile days, literally from CD 11 to 15!! Oh well what can you do? Next month it is! 

How is everyone else doing?


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## thumpette

Sounds scary wildflower but hang in there and hopefully it'll be nothing to worry about. 

That's frustrating for TTC this month Charlie! I'd be kidnapping him lol! 

I just got AF yesterday- no feb babba :( it's so crap- really thought it would have happened before I go back to work but I'm actually due back the day before AF is due next month. Feeling very down but weirdly not as completely devestated as last month. My cycle was 27 days this time and hadn't gone past 26 before. Starting to temp again too and might get fertility tests done just to see if there's anything obvious. I've started taking vit b6 complex to try to regulate luteal phase. 

Wrote a blog yesterday asking people not to avoid talking to us about Max and have had lots of messages after it so I think that cheered me a bit yest. &#127752;


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## wildflower79

Thanks charlie. Yes, the dr in a&e said the test always comes back raised in pregnant ladies, so she didn't even know why the gp did it. I have come down with another cold/virus thing this week, so hopefully that could be causing me to feel a bit breathless and also all the anxiety is adding to it I'm sure. Still worried my scan will come back positive though - can't help it!

I'm sorry you'll have to miss ttc this month. That's so frustrating, especially as it seems to take an age for ovulation to come around every month anyway x

Sorry about af thumpette. Did you have any fertility tests when you were trying to conceive Max? Hoping next month will be lucky for you. I'll go and read your blog while I have some time to myself x


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## thumpette

Yeah I did- they all came back clear. Kinda glad that things are a bit off still with my cycle so I still have hope that when things regulate it'll happen. X


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## charlie15

Lol Thumpette, I should have kidnapped him!! Sorry about AF but you are right it will happen when your body is ready. I know my cycles took a long time to normalise after my daughter, about 6 months from when AF returned. I have just read your latest part of your blog. As usual totally resonates with me, doesn't really matter what you say, just acknowledge my little one and let me talk, so very true. It hurts so much when people just say nothing as if this huge part of your life that has totally changed you to your core has never happened. It really upsets me. Glad you got lots of positive responses from that. Hugs x

Wildflower, yes silly of your GP to run that test. Hopefully it is all your cold, hope you get better soon though x


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## cleeann

Hey sweetie.. I'm Courtney. I also am TTC after a fullterm stillbirth. 

I had my Ashton at 39 weeks and 6 days. It is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I lost him a year and two months ago. The pain is hard to deal with, I'm sure we will struggle with it the rest of our lives. It never goes away, but it has gotten a little easier to accept.

It makes TTC so different. I am desperate now for a brother or sister for Ashton. My SO and I have just started the process though, and I am worried about how stressful it will be. I am 22, and would love a buddy to talk too. If you need an ear or someone to vent/talk to, I am here.

:flower:


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## thumpette

So sorry for your loss Cleeann, beautiful name for your precious baby. I hope your journey to concieve again will be short and straight forward. Xxx


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## cleeann

thumpette said:


> So sorry for your loss Cleeann, beautiful name for your precious baby. I hope your journey to concieve again will be short and straight forward. Xxx

Thank you hun. Hopefully you get your second baby soon. You're more than welcome to send a friend request or message if you ever need to talk to someone who understands.


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## thumpette

Hi everyone, how's this month going? 

I think I oved yesterday. Did a skydive yesterday to mark 6 months from Max's birth. Would be lovely to have conceived on that day. Bit worried about ov on cd 17 as have been having 26-27 day cycles but hoping the vit b complex and new accupuncture lady this cycle will help lengthen it. Gonna start eating pineapple if I get another high temp tomorrow cos it's meant to help with implantation. &#127752;


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## wildflower79

Cleeann, so sorry for your loss of your precious Ashton :hugs: Wishing you won't have to wait too long for your rainbow xx

thumpette, that's so brave of you to do the skydive! A wonderful way to mark Max's 6 month birthday :hugs: It would be awesome if you did conceive on the same day. Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for you x

I've been really busy the last 2/3 weeks, which is good because time has flown by! My test came back clear for blood clots, so that was good. Had my 12 week scan this morning and it went perfectly. I was sooo relieved! They dated me at 12w3d which is a couple of days ahead. I was worried after they said I was measuring a week behind at my early scan, but I guess that scan measurement wasn't very accurate. Saw the consultant after, not my usual one though, cos she was on holiday. He didn't really seem very positive about the private non invasive blood test and kept going on about an amnio, but I told him I wasn't going to risk the chance of mc with that. Still deciding whether to go for the private test, but thinking I probably will. I'm just so scared it'll show positive for edwards again. Part of me just wants to forget about having any tests and just carry on as normal till the end, but I don't know whether that's just me wanting to bury my head in the sand because of the fear. It's all really confusing.


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## thumpette

Great news about the scan wildflower. I know it'll never feel safe till you hold your wriggling baby but it's a massive milestone reached. The tests sound like a huge decision- I guess knowledge is power but can totally understand why you'd be reluctant. Will be thinking of you- keep us up to date. 

I'm 7dpo today- hubbie convinced this is the month. Been feeling a little light headed and crampy- I know it's too early for symptoms but I live in hope. Will test next Friday if no sign of AF before that.


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## Natnee

Hi everyone, not been on here for ages, just sometimes it's all too much and gets a bit obsessive. Things not going brilliant for me. Finally got results last week from all the tests they did, and they all came back clear, no hormones out of whack or anything, so the mc I guess were just 'one of those things'

BUT, yes here's a but&#8230;..the same day I had results of a smear test i'd had done a couple of weeks before. (I've been very bad and not had one since 2007) and they detected low grade abnormal cells and found I have HPV infection. I have to go for a colposcopy to investigate more. So it might mean nothing or they might have to treat it. In the leaflet that came with the letter is says, 'don't get pregnant til treatment has ended' So now I'm just so worried and stressed about what going to happen. Another brick wall has been flung up in front of me! 

Anyway today I'm cd28 and just waiting to see what happens, we only dtd once last month (before I got the smear results) so it's possible I could be pregnant but unlikely. I did a cheap tesco test just now and it's bfn. I would've thought I would've seen something on it if I was pregnant. I usually get bfp before af is due but usually I use frers. Might have to get some of them later. Anyone else used tesco's ones? They are blue dye so not sure how great they are.


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## wildflower79

Hi Nat, I can totally understand how you feel like its another brick wall flung in front of you :hugs: It's tough enough going through ttc and then to be told you have to wait longer, it must be so difficult.

I don't know much about abnormal smear tests but found this https://www.cancerscreening.nhs.uk/cervical/publications/whatyourabnormalresultmeanspdf.pdf , although you've probably already been given information already. It sounds as though the cells can often return to normal by themselves. 

Really hoping you don't have to wait too long before you can start trying for your rainbow baby again x


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## wildflower79

Forgot to mention about the tesco tests. I'm not sure if they're supposed to be early test ones or not? I've used Sainsbury blue dye tests a few times and I've never had a prob with them. I got my bfp on one, but I was nearly a week late when I tested. There was a lady on the pregnancy test board that got faint lines on 2 sainsburys and 2 tesco tests, but it turned out she wasn't pregnant. After reading her experience I don't think I'd trust them again.


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## Raerae513ttc

I don't know where to start... I am heartbroken and having a hard time dealing with the loss of my daughter. My husband and I were ttc for a year and a half when we finally went to a fertility clinic. We did two cycles of Clomid with IUI and the second one we were pregnant. After a normal pregnancy we went in for a scan June 18th, 10 days before due date and there was no heartbeat. Our world came crashing down. I was induced and delivered our baby girl Mallory on June 20 at 12:27 am. She was beautiful and perfect. 
Since then I have just been trying to figure out what happened and why. A nurse from my doctor called and said I had something called velamentous cord insertion. The cord did not attach correctly to the placenta. The thing that bothers me the most is everything I have read says you can see it in the ultrasound. It's hard for me not to blame the doctor. Maybe if she had seen it my baby would be alive. 
I am seeing a new doctor Wednesday for my 6 week follow up, I can't go back to my other doctor it's just too hard. I would like to get pregnant soon. I still can't believe this has happened. It feels like a nightmare. 

I'm sorry that you all have to go through this also. Life can be so unfair sometimes.


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## charlie15

Raerae513ttc said:


> I don't know where to start... I am heartbroken and having a hard time dealing with the loss of my daughter. My husband and I were ttc for a year and a half when we finally went to a fertility clinic. We did two cycles of Clomid with IUI and the second one we were pregnant. After a normal pregnancy we went in for a scan June 18th, 10 days before due date and there was no heartbeat. Our world came crashing down. I was induced and delivered our baby girl Mallory on June 20 at 12:27 am. She was beautiful and perfect.
> Since then I have just been trying to figure out what happened and why. A nurse from my doctor called and said I had something called velamentous cord insertion. The cord did not attach correctly to the placenta. The thing that bothers me the most is everything I have read says you can see it in the ultrasound. It's hard for me not to blame the doctor. Maybe if she had seen it my baby would be alive.
> I am seeing a new doctor Wednesday for my 6 week follow up, I can't go back to my other doctor it's just too hard. I would like to get pregnant soon. I still can't believe this has happened. It feels like a nightmare.
> 
> I'm sorry that you all have to go through this also. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

I am so so sorry about your loss, lots of hugs. I hope you do get some answers to why that happened xxx


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## thumpette

Sorry haven't seen last few updates on this. Nat, so sorry you have another block in the way. I once had a borderline abnormality. It didn't require any treatment- they just followed up with 6 monthly monitoring for 2 years and then I was given the all clear. 

Raeray, I am so so sorry for your loss. I hate to hear of new people joining this awful awful club. I'm sure Mallory was beautiful. It's so cruel that she wasn't given her chance at life. Aside from the TTC stuff the main advice I can give you is to get support. I have found losing Max to be such an isolating experience. No matter how hard they try people who haven't lost a child just cannot get the pain and the loss- it's a great comfort to find people who do. I hope it's not a long wait for you to find your rainbow. 

I know a lot of people who had massive struggles to concieve number one and who concieved their rainbows within 3-6 months. 

I'm almost 7 months now and still waiting, but my cycle feels more normal and I'm hopeful that it'll happen soon. Xxx


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## Raerae513ttc

Thank you Charile and Thumpette. Since going through this horrible nightmare I have heard so many terrible stories of loss. My best friends mother had a full term stillborn and I am very close to her so we have been talking a lot. 

I saw my new doctor and the plan is birth control for a month then he wants me to go back to the fertility clinic. He said there is no reason trying for something that's didn't happen the first time. I'm just so ready to try again.


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## wildflower79

Raerae, I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your beautiful daughter. :hugs: xx


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## Natnee

So sorry to read what happened Raerae xxx 

Well I'm feeling a whole better about my situation. I spoke to my bereavement midwife who had spoken to the coloscopy sister, and said that mine is low grade so not overly concerned. In fact if the whole population was tested about 3 quarters would have this virus present. I haven't even been sent an appointment yet and it was 3 weeks tomorrow since I got the letter!! 

Anyhow, so, we have still been trying. A friend at work asked me if I was still going to try and it got me thinking, why not. If they were concerned about the smear results then surely they would've got me in by now? If I hadn't had the smear I would be none the wiser and would be trying anyway. So if it happens then it happens. I'm on cd14 today, we bd cd10, then cd11 I was getting ewcm, that stopped cd12, then we bd again last night cd13. Not doing any opk/temping or what not, just taking things as they come.

Another thing is that we are going to New York in October, over half term. Basically my FIL has rented a massive apartment and loads of OH family are going. It's my BIL 40th, and he's also running in the New York marathon so it's a combination of celebrating his birthday and seeing him in the marathon. IF I was to fall this month then I would be about 13 weeks by then. I have been reluctant to go because 'oh i might be pregnant' but I have been putting things off and not doing things over the past year in case I'm pregnant and I guess this was a too good opportunity to miss. All we have to do is pay for flights, then of course spending money, but it will be great for Belle to go and her 2 cousins will be there too. (whispers - I'm kind of thinking sods law and I will be pregnant, but I'm only whispering that as don't want to jinx it!)


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## wildflower79

Haven't posted on here in a while. Just wanted to say hi and hope everyone is doing as well as they can be x


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## adr75050

Im desperately looking for women who I can gain support from who have experienced similar loss. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn, was due for C-section on 9/28 and on 9/25 I went in for reduced fetal movement and no heartbeat on my home doppler. She was delivered by C-section 9/25. She was perfect and so pretty, 7lbs and 4 oz. The doctor said when she removed her the cord was loosely around her neck, but we know little else and are awaiting an autopsy report. We buried her 10/3 (Adalynn's original due date) and I am struggling to make since of this. We sold our house and racked up 40K in fertility debt to do 6 rounds of IVF and uterine surgery to get her. 3 years of IVf for our baby girl to never take her first breath. I dont know how to cope with her loss and I havent set foot in her room. I feel like my doctor should have caught something, we just had a sono on 9/17 and she was fine. By 9/25 they told me they suspected she had died 2 or 3 days earlier. My husband and I are not TTC yet and have no more money for IVF. Im grieving alone and feel no one understands. Hoping to find like minds and experiences on here.


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## charlie15

adr75050 said:


> Im desperately looking for women who I can gain support from who have experienced similar loss. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn, was due for C-section on 9/28 and on 9/25 I went in for reduced fetal movement and no heartbeat on my home doppler. She was delivered by C-section 9/25. She was perfect and so pretty, 7lbs and 4 oz. The doctor said when she removed her the cord was loosely around her neck, but we know little else and are awaiting an autopsy report. We buried her 10/3 (Adalynn's original due date) and I am struggling to make since of this. We sold our house and racked up 40K in fertility debt to do 6 rounds of IVF and uterine surgery to get her. 3 years of IVf for our baby girl to never take her first breath. I dont know how to cope with her loss and I havent set foot in her room. I feel like my doctor should have caught something, we just had a sono on 9/17 and she was fine. By 9/25 they told me they suspected she had died 2 or 3 days earlier. My husband and I are not TTC yet and have no more money for IVF. Im grieving alone and feel no one understands. Hoping to find like minds and experiences on here.


Oh I am so so sorry to read your incredibly sad story. I have no words of comfort really, just to say let yourself grieve, give your self time and keep Adalynns memory alive with you. Lots of hugs xxx


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## SanJan

Hi adr75050

I'm really sorry :hugs: Take your time to grieve. And, if you just want to vent, we are here. This is the most difficult time for any mother(yes, you are a mother now). But, when you give time, you'll learn to live with the pain :flower:

wildflower, how are things going? Hoping that you have a totally boring and uneventful pregnancy.

Charlie, How are you? We are officially TTC from September. But planning to test only after delayed AF. So, waiting now(not so patiently :nope:)


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## thumpette

Adr75050 I am so so sorry for your loss. It is extra cruel to have your dreams shattered after such a battle to get there. My little boy Max was stillborn in Jan at 41+4. He was perfect, just the placenta wasn't fully functioning at the end. It's the worst thing that can ever happen anyone to lose their child. Our journey to get Max wasn't as tough, 18 months trying before concieving naturally mid-tests. We have been trying again now for 7 months and no luck yet. My best advice is to get support, find local groups, make new friends who get it, because unfortunately the world doesn't. I've been writing a blog since Max died, feel free to read it/ share it as you like. 

Always here if you need to talk. 

I'm just so sorry you're here xxx


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## adr75050

Thank you all for your words of support. I have looked into support groups. One only meets monthly and another will begin weekly meetings on 10/19 assuming they have enough people sign up for it. Hopefully that will help some.

Thumpette - I have been reading your blog and planned on emailing you. Your story really reasonates with me. 

Unfortunately I had my two week follow up with my ob/gyn yesterday and her nurse either didnt bother to familiarize herself with my file or the doctor failed to put the information in because she asked me if I was breast feeding. I was already anxious about going to this appt bc I have a lot of rage and hatred right now for the doctor. I feel like she was dismissive of my concerns and didnt bother to spend adequate time during my appts checking out my daughter. Then to be asked that by the nurse. Im disgusted with her and her practice. When I was in the hospital waiting my c-section my doctor had the nerve to ask me if this was my first pregnancy. I thought, "really?! Your not even familiar with my case and I sent you all my records?!" She went on saying, "I see your on medication for your thyroid. Do you have a thyroid condition!" .....Mind blown. She acted like this was the first time she ever heard any of my medical history. She is incompetent, Im never going back.


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## SanJan

Hi adr75050,

That's really awful! She's really incompetent. I don't know why people choose this profession when they lack the basic quality of compassion needed in this medical field. I hope you find a local support group soon and more than that, you find a good OB soon. :hugs:


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## thumpette

Adr, that's so horrible. Some people really shouldn't work in healthcare. How have you been apart from that? Are you based in the UK? X


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## adr75050

I dont know if I am coping with everything well or not. I dont really have anyone to compare myself to, or to relate with who has endured a similar experience. I feel like it depends from minute to minute and day to day. I do know that my waking thoughts are of my daughter and before I go to bed every night. Not sure if it is healthy, functional, or normal or not. But she consumes my thoughts off and on throughout the day everyday. I have avoided many people and interactions in the last two weeks, Im just not ready to talk about losing her with extended family and friends. I can't talk about her without losing emotional control and crying hysterically about what Adalynn has lost (wondering who she would be and what she would look like) and what we have lost (every first and all our dreams for her). I cant pull myself back together when that hits so I try not to go there. I have a support group that I am going to today with my mom. My husband cant stand the idea of going because he thinks it will be too depressing. Im in the U.S. So I get barely any maternity leave. I was going to be out until Dec 1st but I would get my checks deducted from until July to be out that long. If I go back October 27th then I dont loose money for the rest of the year. I am debating when to go back. Losing the money was worth to be home with Adalynn. To be home by myself is a different story. I just started my job in August so I dont really have a close realtionship with anyone at my work and I dread going back to see them again. Seeing the look on their faces as they tell me their sorry for our loss and try to hug me. Person after person after person. I just dont know how to deal with it. I could never go back there again and it would still be too soon. I dread the awkwardness and my emotional instability of breaking down crying everytime they say something. 

I ve been reading some blogs (yours too Thumpette) and everyone writing them lost their son/daughter before we lost Adalynn. They seem to be so much further then us in the grieving process and I wonder if we will ever get there too. I remember feeling like that when I was pregnant with Adalynn. Yearning to be 20 weeks when I was 12, once I was 20 weeks I yearned to be 29 and so on. Just to have some sense of security that the further along I was, the safer my baby was. Boy, was I wrong. In my heart, Im know I am wrong now too. That being 3 years out from your child's death, 10 months out, or 10 days doesn't ever mean it gets easier. I just want to believe that it does because I cant imagine falling apart emotionally and feeling this broken inevitably. All I know is I love her, I miss her, I yearn to hold her, and Im so scared that everyone will forget her. I love her so much I want people to know that she was here and that she mattered and that she was beautiful. But we did not have an open casket viewing and only immediate family got to hold her and see her. So I feel like to everyone else, she was never real. Everyone has started to move on with life and I dont know how too. My husband went back to work and family doesnt come around to check on me daily anymore. Im not ready to answer questions from neighbors, colleagues, etc. I want to hide, probably not healthy or functional but that is how I feel right now.


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## thumpette

Oh ADR, that's all so tough. To be honest it sounds very similar to my early months after losing Max. I just cried all day every day. I actually burst all the blood vessels in one eye from crying to constantly. Now, it's 9 months today since he was born. I'm functioning in that I get up and eat and shower and go to work, but he is still in my mind every waking second. I miss him so much and the little boy I miss changes every month. I tortured myself recently looking at the 9-12 month clothes in the shop to see what size he should be. 

I'm so glad you're going to get support. I genuinely don't know where I'd be without the people I've met through support groups, either online or physical. As you are seeing the world will move on, but other parents of precious babies will always now how important it is to remember them. By the way I just love your little girl's name. How did you come up with it? Xxx


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## adr75050

Thank you. I came across it and just loved how "old school" it was. We have a 10 year old daughter, but I never got to pick her name. We adopted her as a newborn and it took two years to finalize. So her name, Anna, was actually picked by her birth lady and by the age of two she already knew her name and it fit her. Anna has an "old school" feel to it too, so I wanted our 2nd daughters name to fit well with hers and kinda come from the same era or time frame. I loved the idea of having two girls with A names. So Anna and Adalynn is what we decided. We loved the idea of using the nickname Addie with her too. 

Thumpette- I read how you went through the 9-12 clothes and tortured yourself. I can so see me doing that too. Yesterday was horrible. I want so badly to hold my little girl, to feel close to her...that yesterday I opened her memory box and looked at her pictures. She really was so beautiful. I came across a little clip of her hair they took at the hospital and taped to a bookmark. I wanted so badly to touch something of hers, so I pulled up the tape to feel the soft hair. When I went to tape it back down I realized what an imperfect mess I had made of the lock of hair. It was one perfectly placed pretty gathered clipping of her hair (perfect just like her). After I was done with it, it was a tattered disorganized mess. Instead of looking like my perfect baby girls hair, it looked like a cat fight on scotch tape. I cried hysterically and showed my husband, who to my surprise was less then understanding. He told me I was being ridiculous and that it was still her hair. I told him I ruined it and that I just wanted to be close to her and I didnt know how to do it. He was less then supportive for sure. We are definitely starting to split apart in the methods in which we both grieve. He doesnt have to grieve like me, but he could still be empathic to my feelings and supportive of how I grieve. This really is a lonely journey.


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## adr75050

Oh BTW- the support group I planned to attend yesterday cancelled. So I made an appt to start seeing a therapist. IDK why, but there doesnt seem to be much support here or the turn out is so poor that groups get cancelled. Hoping something will have enough involvement to make a group so I can find some local support. Once a month is too far away and too infrequent for my sanity right now.


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## thumpette

I'm sorry to hear about the hair, I can totally understand how upsetting that must be. It's tough when people have different outlooks but I'm sure your husband is grieving just as much in his own way. If you'd like to join an online support group I could add you to one I'm in? Most of the girls are in the U.S.- there might even be someone near you? Just pm me your email if you like abs I'll add you? X


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## adr75050

I would like to join. I could use all the help I can get. I have PM you my email address. thank you


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## wildflower79

adr75050 said:


> Im desperately looking for women who I can gain support from who have experienced similar loss. My beautiful daughter, Adalynn, was due for C-section on 9/28 and on 9/25 I went in for reduced fetal movement and no heartbeat on my home doppler. She was delivered by C-section 9/25. She was perfect and so pretty, 7lbs and 4 oz. The doctor said when she removed her the cord was loosely around her neck, but we know little else and are awaiting an autopsy report. We buried her 10/3 (Adalynn's original due date) and I am struggling to make since of this. We sold our house and racked up 40K in fertility debt to do 6 rounds of IVF and uterine surgery to get her. 3 years of IVf for our baby girl to never take her first breath. I dont know how to cope with her loss and I havent set foot in her room. I feel like my doctor should have caught something, we just had a sono on 9/17 and she was fine. By 9/25 they told me they suspected she had died 2 or 3 days earlier. My husband and I are not TTC yet and have no more money for IVF. Im grieving alone and feel no one understands. Hoping to find like minds and experiences on here.

adr, I'm so so sorry to read your heart breaking story. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious and beautiful daughter. :hugs: It's such a cruel thing for any mother to have to go through and it's so horrible that you had to go through such a tough journey trying to conceive.

I really don't think there's any right way to grieve for your daughter. It's such a mixture of different emotions that always seem to be changing. I still struggle now and its been over a year. They organised for me to attend some bereavement counselling, but I just couldn't face going. The thought of having to talk about my daughter and what happened - I just can't do it right now. Maybe someday I'll feel ready, I don't know.

I also don't feel as though I connected with my husband very well to share our grief. He seemed to get back to work and be able to move on, but in all honesty I actually have no idea how he's feeling on the inside. I probably should try and talk to him more, but I just don't know what to say or how to say things. 

Please feel free to share your thoughts with us all whenever you feel you need someone to talk to. :hugs: x


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## adr75050

Thank you wildflower. I feel the same with my husband, he says he has accepted the fact that there is nothing we could have done to save her. But that doesnt change the fact that she is not here with us.


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## LoraLoo

Do you mind another stalker? Thumpette- I'm so sorry for your loss, and yours too adr. Losing a child is the most devastating thing to go through.

I've not had a full term stillbirth- my pregnancy losses were at 18 and 15 weeks, and Eve we lost at 5 days old. We are TTC too. Ttc and pregnancy (and beyond) after losing a baby is really tough xx


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## adr75050

Welcome Loraloo. I am sorry you find yourself joining such a group. But I can definitely say I feel like we all need each others support. I know I do. I would love to hear more about Eve.

So, tomorrow marks one month since Adalynn entered our world and our lives forever changed. We plan to go to the cemetary and release a single balloon to signify the one month. My daughter (10), and my husband and myself will all attach a note to the balloon prior to releasing it. I find myself breaking down at random times throughout the day. Something about picking my daughter up for school makes it an ideal time to cry in my car each day. But I return to work on Tuesday and will no longer pick my daughter up. Im sure i will be randomly breaking down in my office at work, im dreading returning. 

I called my crap doctor on Friday. The nurse informed me that she knows my daughters preliminary report came back from the autopsy. She said she scanned it into my file, but that my doctor was not available to review it with me. She said they would call me Monday to go over it. Im so anxious to know.....anything. Knowing why, wont change anything. Wont make me feel any better about losing my precious baby. But I desperately seek out an answer to WHY just the same. Im terrified they will say they have no answers and she was perfectly healthy, but I am equally terrfied they will say they found a cause and know what contributed. Either way, I know I will cry hysterically and that Monday will be a hard day. I will call their office first thing in the morning and bug them all day until i have an answer. I have already waited all weekend, I just need to know something....anything.

I started a support group on Monday, I will return this monday. I thought if the women were not in the same situation (full term loss) as me I would no find it comforting or relatable. I was wrong. Each womens story had pieces that sadly fit into my puzzle and were a reflection of my loss and sadness. One loss at 21 weeks, one at 23 weeks, and another two first trimester losses with an etopic pregnancy. Each story, each child, each loss made me cry with such intense sadness for myself, for Adalynn, and for them.


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## adr75050

Loraloo- I just read about Eve in your post. Her pictures are absolutely beautiful. No words can express how sorry I am for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family, as there is nothing worse then lossing your child.


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## LoraLoo

Thank you adr.

I really hope you get some answers as to why Adalyn died. The not knowing is really hard. We got answers with both Eve and Eden and although it opened up a million more questions that could not be answered, so many more whys, it definitely helps to have a reason I think.

The balloon release sounds lovely xx


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## adr75050

So i heard from the doctor yesterday and the preliminary report did not say or identify a cause of death. So we were told we have to wait 90 days from the date of Adalynn's death before we can get a complete report. The doctor said the preliminary just gave information commonly found in a physical check report - weight, gender, etc. So we wait some more. SMH....


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## LoraLoo

&#128547; everything takes so long doesn't it? Sorry you are no closer to any answers x


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## hopie2015

Thumpette- I have to read all of the posts on here, I only read a few and then clicked on your blog and read all of your blog. My gosh, I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby, Max. Like you said - he is the most beautiful, precious baby ever. You are a phenomenal mother and a phenomenal writer. (perhaps you are a writer by profession?) I read your blog in tears. I had two losses - one at 6 weeks, the other almost 10. I can't even compare my feelings to your incredible loss when Max was born. 
Your strength inspires me and so does your bravery. You and your husband are an inspiration. My prayers are with you, that you receive wonderful, beautiful blessings as you and your husband so deserve. Take good care and keep on writing!


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## thumpette

Thanks for the kind message Hopie. I'm sorry for your losses. &#128536; I haven't written anything since school about 14 years ago. Max has reminded me of a long since forgotten passion. Xxx


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## Uni tsi

Thumpette, thank you for starting this thread. It's been really helpful to read over the posts here and see myself in everyones stories and see how so many of us have the same feelings in response to our tragedies. I'm basically just lurking. It's too hard for me to write about what happened. But I wanted to tell you all 'thank you', I am here, and I am reading, and I appreciate you sharing your stories.


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