# So I'm about to tell MIL that we are planning a homebirth...



## misspriss

I want someone else's opinion on how this sounds!

MIL is very different from me, she is very much a fan of pain medication, medical assistance, and C-sections. In fact, I think at one point she made the comment that she things all people should just go ahead and have C-sections! Needless to say, I am pretty nervous about telling her I plan to have a homebirth, but I am also tired of "being vague" about going to the midwife (she still thinks I'm seeing the OB, I just haven't told her I'm not yet). I figure I should go ahead and get it out there, unless you think I should wait?

Anyway, here is the email I was going to send her:



> Hey <MIL>!
> 
> Well I wanted to give you some updates :)
> 
> <DH> and I just wanted to let you know some changes in our baby plan! We have changed our health care provider. We now go to Deb <midwife last name> instead of Matthew <doctor last name>. Since I am in favor of a completely natural birth, we have decided to have the baby at home rather than a hospital. If things change and I am changed to high risk or it seems it would be unnecessarily risky, we do plan to deliver at ____ Hospital. However, as long as I remain healthy and low risk, we both feel that having the baby at home is the safer way to do it, and will ensure that we receive the natural and unmedicated birth that we want.
> 
> You are welcome to come with me (or us, if <DH> goes) to any of our prenatal appointments and meet Deb, who will be attending the birth, and hear the heartbeat and everything. We go on Wednesdays at 3:00, our next appointment is December 12th (and the next will be 4 weeks after that).
> 
> Just wanted to let you know about our change in plans, and thank you for your support in whatever we want! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. You know me, I have researched the crap out of this!!

(she made a comment about my pickiness and researching about strollers a few days ago, she knows I research and I'm picky!) And she specifically said (when I told her no more scans = no gender finding out) "Always remember we support what ever decisions you guys make" - I'm holding her to that!

What do you think?


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## devon_91x

Why do you feel you have to justify yourself to her? If it makes your and your DH happy then go for it! Shes lucky your even being nice enough to invite her to the appointments, i didn't ask my MIL to any!


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## misspriss

I don't feel the need to justify our choices, but we are pretty close to her and I want her to understand our choices, if that makes sense! 

Also, I just lost my Mom in June of this year, so my relationship with my MIL is more important than it used to be.


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## rachiedata

I think that's a nice email - however much it is our own decision as mothers, it is only natural and normal that grandparents want to be involved. I think even if she is the domineering type, by sticking to your guns and not giving her the opportunity to disagree or give any input (loved the line about supporting you in whatever you want!), you're making crystal clear that it is your call for your family and she has to respect that.

Good luck with your home birth!

(And I would have sooner had my MIL to any appointments than my own mother, thank god neither ever asked!)


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## devon_91x

misspriss said:


> I don't feel the need to justify our choices, but we are pretty close to her and I want her to understand our choices, if that makes sense!
> 
> Also, I just lost my Mom in June of this year, so my relationship with my MIL is more important than it used to be.

Oh i see :thumbup: Well hopefully she understands your choices and is supportive. Sorry to hear about your mum xx


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## misspriss

rachiedata said:


> I think that's a nice email - however much it is our own decision as mothers, it is only natural and normal that grandparents want to be involved. I think even if she is the domineering type, by sticking to your guns and not giving her the opportunity to disagree or give any input (loved the line about supporting you in whatever you want!), you're making crystal clear that it is your call for your family and she has to respect that.
> 
> Good luck with your home birth!
> 
> (And I would have sooner had my MIL to any appointments than my own mother, thank god neither ever asked!)

She isn't particularly domineering, but she does make her opinions known. Generally she is really awesome and supportive and I could not have asked for a better set of in-laws. She's just not like me at all. I'm the natural type (homeborn, extended breastfed, cloth diapered, co-slept) and was raised in that kind of environment. She had a C-section with DH, and he was sick a lot so she kind of views birth as dangerous and needing medical intervention.

DH got an infection when he was born, which is why he was in the hospital so long. He was in the NICU for 10 days from an infection. Hospitals (IMO) have more germs and more chance of infections!

Yes, I specifically wrote the email to _inform_ her of our choice, not ask for her input! However I tried to be nice about it, and offer to answer any questions that she had. I also wanted to allow her to meet the midwife if she wanted to, so that is the cause of the invite to the appointments. I know she really wanted to hear the heartbeat too. I would take my mom if she was still around. It also may make her feel better about the home birth to meet the midwife and attendants. Also, I just like having someone go with me. I've been to one alone, one with DH, it is just nice to be able to share the experience. Hearing the heartbeat is good, but sharing that with your family, that is great!

This is her first grandbaby, and DH was her only child. He had kind of a traumatic birth. Also, it wasn't customary to give maternity leave back then, I think she was back at work before he got out of the hospital (after a C-section, too!) so her memories of childbirth are not as safe and natural as my ideas.

The line about supporting us, that was her line! I'm just reminding her she said it!



devon_91x said:


> misspriss said:
> 
> 
> I don't feel the need to justify our choices, but we are pretty close to her and I want her to understand our choices, if that makes sense!
> 
> Also, I just lost my Mom in June of this year, so my relationship with my MIL is more important than it used to be.
> 
> Oh i see :thumbup: Well hopefully she understands your choices and is supportive. Sorry to hear about your mum xxClick to expand...

Well I have some time to bring her around. I think it will be good. 

And thanks, she was sick and suffered for a long time (she had bulbar onset ALS). I was so terribly sad to lose her, but relieved that she is no longer suffering.


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## aliss

Ah good luck! I had the same situation with my FIL (he is like my dad to me). I ended up not telling him until after the birth :rofl: But he understood and he is an old fart who thinks men should not even be there in labour.


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## misspriss

aliss said:


> Ah good luck! I had the same situation with my FIL (he is like my dad to me). I ended up not telling him until after the birth :rofl: But he understood and he is an old fart who thinks men should not even be there in labour.

LOL yeah. My FIL doesn't even like to hear about the baby development (baby is so long, has ear buds, etc) he says it freaks him out! Especially pictures! It cracks me up but I forget sometimes and tell him all about it.


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## lemongrass

That sounds like a nice email. It's nice that you want to include your MIL and make her feel comfortable as long as it doesn't stress you out too much or she goes overboard. I know how you feel on the disagreeing with inlaws bit. I get along great with mine, love em to bits! But my FIL is very pro-circumcision (not for religious reasons) and I'm not going to circumcise my baby if it's a boy. I figure we won't tell them until after though. If he puts up a fuss I'll tell him that he had his chance to raise his son how he saw fit, now its our turn.


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## misspriss

lemongrass said:


> That sounds like a nice email. It's nice that you want to include your MIL and make her feel comfortable as long as it doesn't stress you out too much or she goes overboard. I know how you feel on the disagreeing with inlaws bit. I get along great with mine, love em to bits! But my FIL is very pro-circumcision (not for religious reasons) and I'm not going to circumcise my baby if it's a boy. I figure we won't tell them until after though. If he puts up a fuss I'll tell him that he had his chance to raise his son how he saw fit, now its our turn.

Thanks! I just took a deep breath and sent it BTW!

Oh and they have no idea I'm not going to circumcise a boy! I wouldn't say they are pro-circumcision per se, just because I don't think they have ever considered not doing it, it's just "what people do" to them.

I'm just not mentioning it unless they ask! That is one thing that I just won't mention unless it comes up! LOL!


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## lemongrass

misspriss said:


> lemongrass said:
> 
> 
> That sounds like a nice email. It's nice that you want to include your MIL and make her feel comfortable as long as it doesn't stress you out too much or she goes overboard. I know how you feel on the disagreeing with inlaws bit. I get along great with mine, love em to bits! But my FIL is very pro-circumcision (not for religious reasons) and I'm not going to circumcise my baby if it's a boy. I figure we won't tell them until after though. If he puts up a fuss I'll tell him that he had his chance to raise his son how he saw fit, now its our turn.
> 
> Thanks! I just took a deep breath and sent it BTW!
> 
> Oh and they have no idea I'm not going to circumcise a boy! I wouldn't say they are pro-circumcision per se, just because I don't think they have ever considered not doing it, it's just "what people do" to them.
> 
> I'm just not mentioning it unless they ask! That is one thing that I just won't mention unless it comes up! LOL!Click to expand...

My husband brought it up while we were all together. I think he asked why they chose to circumcise him. It's been a back and forth argument between us as my husband would like to but he has agreed not to because I feel strongly. I didn't engage my FIL in an argument, just let him say what he thought about it. He didn't ask what our plans are though.


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## chattyB

You're a stronger lady than I!! I'm all about avoiding conflict at the moment, even if that means keeping my plans for a HB quiet from people who don't share our views .... I'll casually tell them after baby's arrival that he arrived before I had the chance to get to the hospital lol


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## fionar

Great letter! Hopefully she'll keep to her word and be supportive. I had the same issue with my grandma with my son, kept saying "oh, we haven't picked a hospital yet..." and around 6 months, she had a freakout at my mom about WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY DOING!?!?!!!?? and my mom had a heart-to-heart with her about how we were planning a homebirth and didn't want her to be all judgmental about it.

She was taken aback, and mom had to prattle at her about our midwife's qualifications and my health and the health of the baby and yadda yadda, but she ended up being cool.

Let us know how your MIL responds, wouldja? I'm curious on the followup.


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## misspriss

I will! I am all nervous because I have not heard from her yet! I texted her to say I sent her an email (I sent one she was expecting right before this one) and she said she saw them in her inbox but had not had time to read them!


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## Staceysparkle

That was a lovley email I can't see how she could react badly when you told her in such a nice way and invited her to your appointments. Hope she replys soon for you!


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## aliss

Misspriss,

You may also want to let her know that your midwife would be interested in addressing any risk concerns with her- my midwife did this for my OH and that's what actually turned him pro-homebirth! :)


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## pimento1979

Let us know what she says! :flower:


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## misspriss

I have lunch with her and my husband today! Haven't heard from her myself, but she did call DH and told him she "got the email about home birth". That is all he told me she said, but I know she talked a little while longer just to be saying that. I will find out in an hour and a half at lunch!


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## solitaire89

Good luck! Let us know :)


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## kajastarlight

I think it was very nice. Hope it all goes wonderfully!


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## rachiedata

misspriss said:


> ...just because I don't think they have ever considered not doing it, it's just "what people do" to them.

That's spot on that, I think what surprises and/or bothers people about home birth is that often they don't know anyone who has done it, it's out of the ordinary, they don't realise how common it is! A lot of mothers don't realise they have an option that's NOT the hospital.

I have funny memories of my FIL's reaction to us having a home birth, he tried to catch us out by asking MIL what she would have preferred with OH and his brothers, thinking she would say hospital. "I would have much preferred to be at home!" she said :) They are from a generation when men were shooed out of the delivery room. Both my father and my FIL were very involved dads, giving bottles, changing nappies etc., but I think we can forget that they were the first generation to be quite so involved and gory details can be a step too far for them!


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## kajastarlight

How did lunch go?


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## misspriss

Oh yes! The update!

Well, at the same time I sent her emails with our Christmas lists (she kept asking for those!) So when I got to lunch she started off with &#8220;And I printed off your emails because I had some questions&#8230;&#8221; Turns out, all she wanted to ask about was the dang Christmas list!

(I have a terrible time asking for stuff. DH always has a running list of expensive things he wants. I do not. I asked for a Gift certificate for prenatal massage and a self-study hypnobabies course, btw!) All she asked about was to confirm the time of my appointment next week.

Funny story about that, the midwife accidently booked me a week early in her schedule and thought I was coming in yesterday at 3:00 instead of the 12th at 3:00. So she already booked someone else for the 12th at 3:00 and I go in at 4:00 now :(. I will get stuck in traffic on the way home now! Ah well.

Anyway, so she said nothing to be about the home birth. I always have to leave before her and DH though. I wonder if she talked to him about it after I left. I meant to ask him&#8230;She had way more questions when I told her I was getting any more scans! To me, this seems much more of a deviation from &#8220;normal&#8221; than not having scans and not finding out the gender. Ah well. So far no questions!


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## misspriss

Okay so I texted DH. Apparently after I left, she just asked DH if he was okay with it, and he said he was fine with it. I guess she was worried that this was something I was pushing on him, and forcing him to go along? Idk.


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## kajastarlight

Sounds to me like she really wants to respect your decision even though it doesn't seem like the thing to do for her. That is an awesome sign that she really will be supportive of your choice! Yay :)


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## misspriss

I know. I'm happy she isn't just freaking out and telling us we are crazy, but I did expect her to say something.

She had A TON to say about us not getting a gender scan! Maybe after the scan thing, she has figured out that we will stand our ground on these things though...?


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## misspriss

MIL finally said something about our homebirth plans, apparently she is pretty okay with it! She said her only worry really is that SHE wont be able to handle it, because she is used to a hospital environment with doctors all around and she said she might freak out! I told her it would be fine, my dad would be there and hes done this before (since I was born at home, with the same midwife!) and my little sister would be around to help keep the mood good. I was glad she was pretty cool with it!

I am just glad she didn't try and tell us it was unsafe or bad or anything. I don't know if she looked into it, or if she thinks it is pretty safe, or maybe she just has learned that I do my research and she is trusting me? We shall see!!

:happydance::happydance:


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## aliss

misspriss said:


> MIL finally said something about our homebirth plans, apparently she is pretty okay with it! She said her only worry really is that SHE wont be able to handle it, because she is used to a hospital environment with doctors all around and she said she might freak out! I told her it would be fine, my dad would be there and hes done this before (since I was born at home, with the same midwife!) and my little sister would be around to help keep the mood good. I was glad she was pretty cool with it!
> 
> I am just glad she didn't try and tell us it was unsafe or bad or anything. I don't know if she looked into it, or if she thinks it is pretty safe, or maybe she just has learned that I do my research and she is trusting me? We shall see!!
> 
> :happydance::happydance:

Even if she doesn't agree, SOME WOMEN (yay) understand what it was like to be dictated to and are willing to keep their opinions shut :) 

I'm sure she'll be fine. My mom was a complete wreck when I told her, but when she was there with my sister durng the birth (upstairs with my toddler) she apparently did just fine. The reality of home birth is actually quite boring for most family as they are just sitting around waiting :rofl:


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## solitaire89

That's good news! :) Now you can *really *start to get excited!!!!


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## fionar

misspriss said:


> MIL finally said something about our homebirth plans, apparently she is pretty okay with it! She said her only worry really is that SHE wont be able to handle it, because she is used to a hospital environment with doctors all around and she said she might freak out! I told her it would be fine, my dad would be there and hes done this before *(since I was born at home, with the same midwife!)* and my little sister would be around to help keep the mood good. I was glad she was pretty cool with it!
> 
> I am just glad she didn't try and tell us it was unsafe or bad or anything. I don't know if she looked into it, or if she thinks it is pretty safe, or maybe she just has learned that I do my research and she is trusting me? We shall see!!
> 
> :happydance::happydance:

Okay, that is seriously cool.

And YAY for a supportive MIL. Makes things easier when people are on your side.


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## lemongrass

Thats great! Maybe she knows that it doesn't matter how she handles your labour and birth, what matters is how YOU and the baby handle it!


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## kajastarlight

So awesome!


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