# Forever in my heart....Gavin Leonard Bell



## glbell920

I lost Gavin at 15 1/2 weeks. It's been a week now since I lost my baby. I don't feel like I can really share how I'm feeling with my family and friends. They don't really understand. They have been most loving and supportive and I still feel so alone. 

I had an unexpected unexplained miscarriage at 12 weeks 3 years ago so this pregnancy every day up to 12 weeks it was in the back of my mind that I could possibly lose my baby. Every day after I passed 12 weeks I was hopeful that I would go full term this time. I didn't even make any huge announcement that I was pregnant for fear that I would have to tell everyone if I lost the baby. 

The last month and half or so was really scary because I started bleeding. I went to the doctor and they did 2 ultrasounds and both looked perfectly fine. My baby was healthy and measuring right on point. They kept saying that sometimes women bleed. They couldn't determine why or see where it was coming from. They put me on pelvic and bed rest and figured it would resolve itself. I was on bed rest for 4 weeks and at my follow up appointment the doctor felt I was well enough to do modified bed rest....light activity but I could leave the house. That weekend I went to dinner with my husband and before we made it home I was cramping so bad it was hard to walk. I thought maybe I had done too much so I tried to lay down and relax. For 6 hours straight I had nonstop cramping that was so painful I couldn't sleep. Finally at 3:30 am Saturday morning I was able to get some sleep. I wanted to go to the ER but I didn't think it would do any good. With my previous miscarriage I went to the ER over the weekend and they said it wasn't much they could do if I was miscarrying. They sent me home and told me to follow up with my OBGYN that Monday. So this time I just suffered through the weekend. Monday morning I felt wet and thought it was from the bleeding but it was clear so I figured maybe my water bag burst or was leaking. I also noticed that once I stood up the bleeding was heavier and I was passing clots. I called the doctor's office and they saw me first thing. They sent me straight to ultrasound. By then I was crying I was in so much pain. I was hardly able to walk to the ultrasound room. The tech looked at my baby and everything looked perfect yet again. The heartbeat was strong. My cervix was closed and long. She was stomped. I was obviously in pain and bleeding but she couldn't detect anything on the ultrasound. They had to use a wheelchair to get me from ultrasound to my doctor's office. He examined me and thought that I had a twin pregnancy and lost one of the babies but the other was doing fine. This was all news to me since we had no idea that I possibly had two babies. We were only expecting one. I was relieved however that at least one of the babies was okay. He decided to admit me because I had a fever and an infection so they wanted to put me on IV and give me some antibiotics. Hours after I was admitted he came in to warn me that my fever was rising even on the antibiotics and they didn't know why. He said as a last resort they may have to terminate my pregnancy to save my life if they couldn't get my temperature down. I heard him but I was thinking all I needed was some time for the antibiotics to work and I'd be fine. At some point he came back with the most terrible news. They had to terminate my pregnancy because my temperature was dangerously high and I was at risk for my organs to start failing. In my heart I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to go along with it but I didn't really have a choice. My baby was too small to survive without me. At this point I was numb and tired. I just gave in. I delivered Gavin the next morning at 10:35. He was 2.7 ounces. He was the perfect little baby boy. I watched them clean him up and dress him. I held him in the palm of my hand. He was tiny but fully formed. I was in love with him as much as if he was full term....possibly more since I knew this was the only time I would have to share with him. I kept him with me all day. The hospital staff was wonderful. They helped to make our time together really special and memorable. I kept him with me in my room in a tiny basinett. I showed him off to everyone that visited. When it was time to let him go it was hard. I wasn't sending him to the nursery where I could call for him in the morining and bring him home with me. I was sending him to the morgue. I had to call funeral homes from my hospital bed to make arrangements. I wanted to make sure they could pick him up when I was released. I couldn't image leaving him there without me being there. When I got home it really hit me hard. I'm not pregnant. My baby is being cremated. I will never hold him again. I just cried. Everybody around me tried to be comforting and say what they thought would make me feel better but nothing makes you feel better at the time. 

Besides not having him with me, the thing that hurts most is the idea of moving on. Although I know I have to, I don't want to move on and forget how much I love him and how much he means to me right now. I have his picture on my night stand and I look at it every morining and every night. I have his face on my laptop and cell phone. I have all of the memorabila from the hospital...his teddy bear, blanket, hat, and life certificate with his tiny foot and hand prints. Those are the only tangible things I have of his and they mean so much to me. 

Everyone else has seemed to move on. Physically i'm 10% better and to everyone else I look fine but inside I'm still hurting and lost. I can't even talk to my husband because he doesn't understand either. I get upset with him because he acts like everyone else...like Gavin didn't exist. He may be dealing with it in his own way but I just don't understand how you lose a child and can go on like nothing ever happened. 

I'm doing my best to keep his memory alive. We had him cremated and I have a special place for his urn in the living room. I want to get a keepsake box/frame to put all of his belongings in. I just want him to know that he is very much loved and missed. I still don't know why but I am praying and trusting God for comfort and peace. 

Gavin mommy loves you and you will forever be in my heart.


----------



## Andypanda6570

Everything you are feeling right now I am still feeling 7 months later :cry::cry: You are NOT alone, I am here and I feel all you feel :cry::cry::cry: I lost Ava at 18 and half weeks I gave birth on my toilet bowl and held my little miracle and we buried her on 3/11/2011. I just got done crying, it comes and goes. One day I am ok and the next I am a mess, i am never really ok, I have a sadness about me that will always be within me, I have to accept it. i will never be over Ava's death, NEVER. But I do need to be ok for my 3 sons . I was 40 when I got pregnant by total accident and as fast as the love of my life came she left me :cry::cry::cry: Nobody understands me and they never will not even the people I love the most. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Gavin and i am here if you need to talk or need a friend I am here.
I wont lie to you , you will get better in time but you will never be over Gavin's death it will be with you till , I guess ,forever.. '
XOXOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Andrea


----------



## Hellylou

Oh I am so so sorry for your loss. It is a heartbreaking story, and touches me deeply because it is almost identical to my own. You will be very much in my thoughts over these coming weeks.:hugs::hugs::hugs:

I lost my boy at 16 weeks exactly just under 3 weeks ago, Sept 10th, but had infection and water leakage from at least 15 weeks onwards. By the time it was picked up, I was in terrible pain and my uterus was tender hard on one side to the touch. There was definitely infection in there, and, like you, I had to terminate, although it was very quick, which doctors said confirmed that the process had already begun, and I merely sped it up. There was no hope for my LO, and the loss of water meant he would have been terribly poorly, had I managed to go any further, and infection for me meant a threat to my life.

It is an awful thing to go through. If you need to talk, please PM me, I log on every day to this place and it has been an enormous comfort to me during the very dark days. Peace, love and strength to you during this difficult time :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## mhazzab

I'm so sorry to hear about your precious Gavin. You've been through a terrible time, something nobody should ever have to suffer.

I'm so glad the hospital staff were so kind to you, and you got to create some precious memories with your son. I had photos taken too, and they are my most treasured possesion.

Like you, I found it hard to find comfort from family and friends around me...of course they were so lovely and worried about me at first, but, in time, this seems to fade and they (at least appear to) get on with their lives again, whereas I was stuck in some kind of hell. This horror is something you can only actually understand if you have been through it. This is when I found this forum and I can tell you, if it wasn't for this place, I wouldn't be feeling as strong as I am today. It's been amazing to speak to others in the same situation (not that I would wish this on anyone else, of course).

I know what you mean about feeling like your husband doesn't care - we were actually warned at the hospital that one of us would probably get annoyed at the other for this reason at some point. Sometimes I worry my husband doesn't care, and then he goes and does something unexpected that shows he does. sometimes men just deal with things differently...they feel they need to be strong for us.

To keep our daughters' memory alive, we put a bench, with a memorial plaque, out in the garden, and bought two roses to go either side. I go to sit there when I am feeling sad. I also got some jewellery made up, with their footprints...something I can have close to me every day :) I also got a lovely woman to write their names in the sand (see pic on the left), I'm going to get these printed out and hang in my house. :) My daughters will never be forgotten, I won't let that happen.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a ramble! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and everything you are going through, there is always someone else who has felt it...so if you ever need to talk, you are in the right place.


xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## jennijunni

I am so sorry about Gavin. We are here to talk, we have been though it, and understand your pain so well. So please if you need anything, dont hesitate to ask. Lots of hugs, and I am glad that physically you are better.


----------



## kam78

Hi Sweetie ... and unfortunately welcome :flower:

First off, let me say... You are an incredibly strong momma!!:hugs:

I am extremely greatful your hospital gave you that much time to spend time with Gavin and make those precious memories.... Trust me, you will never forget...and the more time goes on, the more you will treasure them..

When my Emma was taken from me my WORST fear was she would be forgotten, like an "oh well", and as time passed it did seem as everyone else was getting back to their lives and I was stuck in this dark, lonely place...Misery... Everyone kept trying to help me, comfort me, give me advice but wow, I found my loved ones, family and friends was more hurtful than helpful... I finally had to just tell everyone what exactly they was doing to me... They finally let lose a lil and let me grieve how "I" need to grieve...

I have done just about everything I could think of to keep Emma in my home, in my life, in my living children's lives... I have her pictures (some of them) framed and on several lil tables along with her feetprints, a beautiful poem someone wrote and I have that framed, I have a memory frame/shadow box with her dress, hat and her last ultrasound pic in it and that is also in my living room, I too have bought a necklace , its a heart and has the siloette of a mother holding her child and I have Emma Gail engraved on it along with her date.. One thing I wish I would have one was have her cremated!!! I wish to GOD I would have done that, but I have never known anyone to do that, and never thought to ask til I joined this site and seen a lot of you girls have done that and wow! I would LOVE to have her with ME ... 

I have also read a lot of books, but to be honest, I have only found 1 that has be a lil helpful... It's written by Angie Smith and it's called "I will carry you"..actually there is a song, you can find it on youtube, and wow, it moves me deeply everytime I hear it... The book and the song gives me so much hope:flower:

Just please take one day at a time, NO RUSH, you do this YOUR way, you do whatever helps you and PLEASE don't let anyone think you are crazy or doing too much .... You aren't... Trust me:hugs:

I know your precious Gavin was welcomed by our lil babies... I imagine them showing him the ropes up there :winkwink: And knowing me, I imagine my Em' is alot like me, probably showing him how to be mischievious :winkwink:

You take care of you and know we all are always here for you, ALWAYS...Ask questionns, come cry, vent and scream...what ever you need... We understand sweetie:flower:

Kelly


----------



## kam78

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

This is a link to that song and an actual video of Angie Smith with her family...

Amazing! 

Hope this helps you all as it has done for me..... ((BIG HUGS!!))

Pfft, I hope I copy/pasted the link right, you all will see just how computer stupid I am LOL!!!! Xoxo


----------



## glbell920

Thank you so much everyone. Your words mean so much to me because I know you all truly understand how I feel. Before I posted my story I read many of yours and I am also so sorry for your loss as well. Reading your stories made me realize that (unfortunatley) I am not alone. It made me know that it is alright to feel how I am feeling. Those who have found peace give me hope that I will also someday. 

Kam, that video and song really touched my heart (and made me cry like a baby). Thank you for sharing.

mahzzab, I love the idea of the the bench in the garden. I've been spending a lot of time outside in our backyard. It would be nice to have a memorial for Gavin where I can spend time with him. The photo with Eve & Megan's name in the sand is awesome too!

hellylou, our stories are almost identical. I'm sorry that you lost your little man too. I think the worst thing about having to terminate due to infection is that I feel like my body betrayed me in a way. The safest place for my baby is the place that ultimatley caused me to lose him. The fact that the doctors couldn't even identify why or where the infection came from boggles my mind. I'm still struggling with that.

Andypanda, You are in my prayers. Losing a child is hard by any means but your story breaks my heart. God bless you, your family and sweet baby Ava (i love her name).


----------



## kam78

You nailed it right on the head when you said, The safest place for a baby is tucked away safe and sound in their mommies...

I too understand when our bodies fail us and I mean fail us miserbly! :nope: I was 19 weeks when my contractions started and went immediately to the hospital cuz deep down I just KNEW it wasn't good ... Once there they monitored me and decided yep I was in labor.. Well all the doctors decided to take blood work cuz they just KNEW the reason for my preterm labor was infection, so we waited for the results while they admitted me ... My results came back and they a slightly, barely elevated so they pretty much slammed the book and said "AH Ha, that settles it, you must be developing an infection, so they just put me on medication and left me in the hospital, well my contractions did slow down but when they would slow my meds down they would pick right back up, so after 4 days of that they decided I should get an amnicentisis to check for infection, I was scared to death, I knew it was very risky I have heard all the scary stories, I knew it could cause your water to break and I was also scared cuz the thought of a huge needle being inserted into my tummy, YIKES... BUT I wanted answers and I wanted them to see it wasn't a freakin' infections that it was just my crappy cervix, so I honestly thought once we got thru that then they would listen to me and just leave me on meds and bedrest.... Well, I did the amnio, and it wasn't painful at all, whew, lol... but I was scared to death.... He said amnio fluid was clear and looked good but they was gonna send it off for some testing, so just waiting and monitoring... Well that day I was crampy and they said that was to be expected so I just chilled in the hospital bed...But at 6:30pm that VERY same night, my water ended breaking!!! :cry: No one would listen to me.... I called for my nurse and her first question was "do you think you pee'd on yourself maybe?"... Seriously?? But then I got a different nurse, that was seriously my angel...God had to have sent her my way, just for me! She was remarkable, and I tell her still to this day periodically thru cards or emails how much she means to me.... Anyways, back to that night... The doctors came in and said, "Yep, you must have had a pretty bad infection to make your water break this soon"... Kept saying crap like " NOthing else we can or will do".. "this is your body's was of healing itself, to get rid of the infection"... I was so confused, Kept asking what meds they was gonna start me one or if they was going to insert a cerclage... They just kept shaking their head and gave me 2 choices... Either I just let nature takes it course and I deliver her naturally or they can do a procedure and take her out for me... Then my mind immediately raced to doing the math, Emma was 19.5 weeks.. Hmmm? Oh God! So they done another ultrasound just to check everything out and that was the most precious time, she was still alive...moving around, and I knew in just a short time period my body will have failed her... :cry: I was in such shock from that moment on... THey gave me a lot of medication so I was very loopy, regret that.. I shouldn't have listened again, I wanted to feel every tiny feeling... She was born shortly after midnight, born sleeping... I pushed her out and immediately was placed on my chest.... Teeny tiny perfect lil girl... She weighted 8 ounces and was 6 inches long... I held her, talked to her, apologized to her, cried, done lots of begging to God.. I asked my family and friends to please just stay home, I wanted ALL the time with her... Another regret now, should have had everyone met her but I was being very selfish that night, wanted her all to myself... and maybe even a tiny bit of worry, cuz she was so tiny and I didn't want anyone to think badly of her... I don't know ... They eventually took her away, about 3 hours later so I could get some rest... Yea, right... until they gave me meds to knock me out... But once I woke I had this overwhelming feeling of getting out of there, I think I thought if I just got home, it would all be ok... I dont' know... She my doctor came in that morning and talked with me.. and decided I could go home whenever I was ready... So, I asked for my Em' again and spent another few hours with her and then left.... I was sick! Leaving her behind?!?!?! That was the worst feeling ever.... Over the next few days while they was still running tests on her at the hospital, I would catch myself driving out to the hospital and just sitting in the parking lot crying cuz I knew my daughter was in there, alone!:cry: 
These last 6 months has totally flipped me and my life upside down... I am a completely different person now... Some good and some bad changes but I am who I am.... Still fighting tooth and nail for the memory of my daughter to remain alive ... I'll fight that fight for the rest of my life... 

Sorry for my rambling... Stupid body's.. I hate mine for failing me and my Em'

:hugs:


----------



## daopdesign

I'm so sorry for your awful loss :cry::cry: I know it doesn't make it any easier knowing that others have been through a loss but I know what you mean with saying it kinda comforts you to know your not the only one.

I lost my little boy at 16 weeks and similar to you around 12-13 weeks I started spotting blood but after a scan they said everything was fine. I thought I had an infection maybe but they wouldn't do anything unless the bleeding stopped and it did after a day or so, so I carried on and was told to enjoy my pregnancy! It turned out after lots of tests it was no infection or anything, just one of them things!:(

3 weeks later at the routine 16 weeks check up my m/w couldn't find a heartbeat so they sent me to hospital for a scan and there was my little baby lying hopeless :cry::cry::cry:

You are really brave for keeping him by your side as I was a little scared when I delivered him but you're absolutely right, even at this gestation they are perfect in every little way and I was so relieved after I saw him. I miss him terribly every day but it does get easier wth time. 

:hugs: Thanks for sharing your story :hugs::hugs:


----------



## SarahJane

I just wanted to send some hugs and say how sorry I am for your loss xx


----------



## Nikki_d72

I'm so, so sorry. My waters broke early and they also told me that they would have to induce me if infection set in, it was my biggest fear. In the end my body must have detected some infection and kicked my baby boys out, 6 days later at 20wks, I still didn't have significant markers for infection in my bloodwork, but histology on the placenta showed a strep b infection there, so that is probably why my body kicked them out. No real reason for the waters breaking in the first place, could be IC or infection but i also feel my body betrayed my babies and me, i understand exactly how you feel. Please don't blame yourself though, I know easier said than done. I wish you the easiest time ahead possible, it will get less raw with time, although i was feeling better and now am worse again in the last few days, so it will be up and down I suppose but those first few days and weeks are hell, I know. So sorry again and sorry you had to join us. xxx


----------



## winterwonder

I'm so sorry for your loss.:hugs:


----------



## kam78

Good Morning!!!!:flower:

Just thinking of you and Mr Gavin and wanted to send some morning love :hugs: your way...

Have an amazzzzzzing day :happydance:


----------



## DueSeptember

:hugs:


----------



## babesx3

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss..hes a beautiful little boy xxx


----------



## MrsRH

:hugs:
x


----------



## emk10

So sorry for your loss x x x


----------

