# Marriage before Babies?



## Georgie90

What is all your opinions on thismy family are quite set on Marriage first, I dont think they are going to take it too well if I get pregnant before getting married  I am quite scared to tell some of them actually!

OH would also prefer to be married first, I thinkalthough he can be swayed ;) thing is we cant afford bothI am not too bothered about a wedding and would rather leave it till after having our first child..

What do you all think?


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## silverbell

It's a very personal thing, so you'll get lots of different answers here.

I personally wanted to be married and have a few years of marriage behind us before we tried for a baby. It's just the way I personally wanted to do things.

You don't have to spend a fortune on getting married. We spent around £4K but could easily have spent half of that and still have had a great time. It depends what kind of ideas and expectations you have about your wedding day. Again, a very personal thing.

Hope you can come to a decision x


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## libbymarks198

baby first, marriage is nothing in this day and age you can get a divorce if your not happy there is no point in it what so ever, i want to get married but only so i can have a wedding i dont think being married is any different or better than not...

i would say a baby first


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## fluffosaur

~


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## lily28

Umm for me it was always wedding first kids later (very square and conservative, because I was a love child, and they treated me like a mistake). Although I kinda regret it. I should have knocked my self up while I was young. My advice is hurry up because you might regret it, like I do.


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## Celesse

I'm not married and not got any intention of getting married. It wouldn't change anything between me and OH. We already live together and share all bills. I would never give up my name, and he wouldn't give up his name. He has parental responsibility for Abigail. 

Neither of us would want a big party..... If I was to get married I wouldn't want to have anyone there, except maybe Abigail. However our parents seem to think they would have a right to be there.....er no! If we did get married then it would be a personal romantic event, none of this showy rubbish. 

A piece of paper, a ring and a party only mean as much as you want them to. A baby is a real human life that links you together forever.


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## xsophiexleax

I'm not entirely sure.. I'd like to get married first and have a while of married time with just me & OH... but that would mean pushing having a baby back further.. it's a hard decision!


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## booflebump

Its a very personal choice. Marriage is a huge commitment to each other, and for us is something we want to do before we TTC. But I dont think it really matters in the grand scheme of things xxx


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## Noodles

I personally wanted to have my husband's surname before my child had it. But each to their own.


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## lily28

I'm married and I kept my name. If I have a kid it will take his name.


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## Celesse

My LO has both surnames.


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## Mindy_mini

Personally, I couldnt ever imagine planning to have a baby before marraige but it is a very personal thing.

I dont really see the point in marraige after kids (well planned children any way) if you're not prepared to commit to some one for life, then imho you shouldnt be having children together. raising children is a life time commitment to them and each other so if you're not prepared to marry first what does that say about your dedication to the children.

plus if you cant afford to get married now, you'll never be able to afford it - children will always need something that eats into that wedding savings fund.


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## Damita

It is up to the couple, personally I think marriage before children just because I like to be old fashioned so does my husband.


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## Georgie90

I thought it was an old fashioned thing as it&#8217;s my grandparents that would be disappointed if we didn&#8217;t, well don&#8217;t get married first. My mum isn&#8217;t bothered, I don&#8217;t really care about getting married first, yes it is the traditional way but I think times have changed. That&#8217;s why it&#8217;s down to personal preference. 

Thank you all for your replies :hugs:

I don&#8217;t agree with that if you can&#8217;t afford to get married before children you never will, a lot of couple have a lot more money now then when they first had children, as time has moved on, they work better jobs etc. I would love my child to be at my wedding, but that is personal to me, and I think a child is much more of a commitment then a wedding, but I only say that as to me a wedding is a party :haha: :blush:

x


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## Aidan's Mummy

Aidan wasn't planned but in no way would I call him a mistake. He is my unexpected miracle. 

I do not beleive that marriage purely proves your commitment to each other as some peole go into it for the sake of it. Nor do i believe it has any kind of affect on what type of parent you are
xx


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## lily28

Aidan's Mummy said:


> Aidan wasn't planned but in no may would I call him a mistake. He is my unecpected miracle.

You are a very good mother, I wish more women would think like you!:flower:


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## booflebump

Georgie90 said:

> but I only say that as to me a wedding is a party :haha: :blush:
> 
> x

I used to think that. But now its happening to me, its a whole other story. Becoming each others husband and wife is huge - it scares and excites me in equal measures :hugs:


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## Georgie90

i may change boofs, I am very excited to be getting engaged (whenever it happens) and looking forward to that, as for us at the min thats a huge commitment xx


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## Staceysparkle

I got engaged at Christmas and me and OH were going to get married first but we realised we both want a baby so much right now it felt as though we wanted to rush the wedding and almost get it over with so we could TTC. We have just started TTC but still plan to get married a few years down the line and I love the thought of having bubs at our wedding. I dont feel that not being married makes much difference as me and OH know we are both committed to each other and a child is a far bigger commitment than a peice of paper to us. 

Good luck with your decision.


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## Aidan's Mummy

I also love the thought of Aidan being a page boy :cloud9:
xx


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## RedRose19

like the ladies have said i think its a personal choice but it wouldnt bother me which came first.. but if i was in your situation id prob chose baby first because if i could only afford one then it would have to be baby lol


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## RedRose19

Aidan's Mummy said:


> I also love the thought of Aidan being a page boy :cloud9:
> xx

id love my own kids to be at my wedding too :cloud9:


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## tasha41

I think marriage first... if it's a priority for you.

I waited. I didn't want to get married just because I was pregnant... and now I probably never will. We have a kid and a house now that will always be our #1 financial priorities :(


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## 24/7

I wanted to get married before we TTC, and we are. I felt that OH and I should make a commitment to each other before we make a commitment together to a child. xx


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## BradysMum

We were married first, and had been for 3 years before DS was born. That aside, I didn't and still don't think marriage is that important. Don't get me wrong, I am so in love with DH and I love being married to him, but being with him in general was always more important than getting married. Our kids would have had DH's surname even if we hadn't been married


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## Caroline:-)

For me I definately wanted to be married before having kids... It wouldn't have felt right to me to have kids before hand... but as many people have said, it's a personal decision - although it's important to me I certainly wouldn't expect everyone to feel the same way and totally respoct that this may not be right for others...


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## BButterflies

I don't think I would plan to TTC with my OH until we are married, so hopefully he hurrys up and proposes!


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## MRSRICHRS2K

i have two children aged 7yrs and 4.5yrs from a previous relationship and we werent married and to be honest didnt make any difference to us or family.. i am now married (april 09) and we would like a child together.. i personally think having a child together is such a strong bond and brings you so close together


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## aob1013

It doesn't matter whatsoever :D

You can be married but have a very unstable relationship etc etc etc. 

I'm engaged, but would not go and get married because it's the 'norm', Leni won't know either way if we were married - and we are secure enough in our relationship without having to prove it to anyone else by getting married.


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## jen1604

OH's family would have liked us to get married.Before Ophelia and then after Ophelia and before Lennon.It was mentioned more than a few times.

But I just have no interest whatsoever in ever marrying anyone :shrug: I just dont get it.My mum is the same,she's never been married.


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## Mum2b_Claire

Noodles said:


> I personally wanted to have my husband's surname before my child had it. But each to their own.

You don't need to be married to take your OH's surname. You can change it by deed poll.


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## mamalove

Having a child together is the only real commitment you can make with someone.
You can get married today and divorced tomorrow.


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## November1984

I have an ex husband and we never had kids together though. 
Marriage to me is a piece of paper that makes you more attached financially.
I am not married now but feel more 'married' to my fiance than I ever did with my ex husband. IMO it's a state of mind. 
I will petition for a name change without marriage so our last names are the same but don't know if I will ever be married again. I'm not going to be forced into marriage because of last names or to be politically correct.


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## BabiesOneDay

VERY hard decision. I too struggle with it. Personally, I want to be married first. But I feel it may also be due to not wanting others to perceive our marriage as one we only entered into because of a child. That doesn't exactly sound like the right reason, does it? LOL. I'm confident we will marry, but due to our goals toward school and careers, getting married first means no baby for at least five years. That pulls me in the other direction often. Good luck to you making your decision. Whatever you decide is right for you.


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## welshwarriors

It comes down to personal choice really.

Hubby and I had a talk about the next few yrs a few yrs back, and we were both pretty happy with getting married, me finishing college and then trying for a baby. 
It might be very negative thought, but hubby has a dangerous job (he's a soldier) mainly of course when he's deployed, it was important to him to know that through marriage I would get all the support offered by the army etc in case something happens to him. On the other hand it was important to me to finish college, in case anything would happen and I have to support the family.


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## Niki

My OH said we have to get married first then have kids so we are getting married next year. by bloody hell i am sooo broooody today and everyday lol. Most people say that if you get married first that I'm doing it the proper way LOL!!!


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## wtt :)

We got married because we wanted to and when we did we both agreed we weren't ready to start our own family. That's why marriage happened before the kids ;) (we got married with just the two of us there, and the lady at the court house who took a couple of pictures with a disposable camera :haha: and it was the best day of my life!)


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## aliss

Georgie90 said:


> What is all your opinions on thismy family are quite set on Marriage first, I dont think they are going to take it too well if I get pregnant before getting married  I am quite scared to tell some of them actually!
> 
> OH would also prefer to be married first, I thinkalthough he can be swayed ;) thing is we cant afford bothI am not too bothered about a wedding and would rather leave it till after having our first child..
> 
> What do you all think?

Just in my experience, I was in the opposite situation.

I wanted marriage first, kids next. OH wanted kids first, marriage next. Different backgrounds (his parents never married, marriage is not a big deal in Quebec at this time either, sort of a unique cultural situation).

Anyways, I "caved" (for lack of better term) and we TTC before marriage. It took 2 cycles!

During my pregnancy and after LO was born, the whole marriage thing means squat to me. Technically, yes, I have an engagement ring and I have a "fiance" (although I've never used that term). I am mom, he is dad, we have baby, dog, and house. Once I got pregnant, I really couldn't care less for wedding planning. It just never crosses my mind.

The thought of spending $$ on a wedding annoys me. I was never "Bridezilla", but I would just like a nice sweet little honeymoon. That's it. No need for a big bash. I'm not sure if it is because of the baby, or because we are already 26 & 32 so we are already settled.

Of course, this is from the female perspective. I'm not sure how it would work for your OH. Good luck!!!


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## lily28

aliss said:


> The thought of spending $$ on a wedding annoys me. I was never "Bridezilla", but I would just like a nice sweet little honeymoon. That's it. No need for a big bash.

This is how I always felt. Unfortunately our families pressured us for a big bash and they made us get married in a church, such a waste of money, I don't even like weddings. I wanted to elope and spend a week out of the country. 

I also got married before babies, to prove I'm not marrying because I'm pregnant. I don't know if it worked though, everyone at the wedding thought I was pregny. Even my MIL. 7 years later no one has asked me about it though , weird huh?


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## bethsbooboo

We are married but only as we were'nt thinking about trying for a baby at the time, I think each to their own, we have plenty of friends who have recently had babies that aren't married yet. Just think, when you do get married your LO could be paige boy or bridesmaid!


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## Georgie90

where abouts in essex r u from hun?

xx


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## bethsbooboo

Originally a Romford girl so not too far from you! we're in Chadwell Heath at the moment though and looking to move to Chelmsford very soon. x


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## Georgie90

aww very close then!
x


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## babyblog

I think you are influenced by experience alot of the time. I have had quite a 'traditional' upbringing (if that's the right word?). My parents were married before having my bro and me-in fact everyone in my family has been married before children came along, so it was kind of expected of me. Not that that's why i did it-but i wanted to concentrate on my wedding planning, it was exciting, it was fun, we had fantastic hen/stag nights, we spent quite a bit on the wedding which we wouldn't have done if we had kids by then, we enjoyed a romantic honeymoon.

Personally, i don't like the idea of having your own child at your wedding-but again that comes from my upbringing, to some of my friends that is not important but to me it is. 

I liked the idea of the wedding being a thing between my OH and myself, and we then TTC afterwards.

Though, i must admit-if i could only do one, it would be a baby everytime :happydance:


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## princess_bump

for me, biggest commitment we have ever made was having a child together and a mortgage. we've never seen marriage as something we needed to do before having children. we got engaged and started ttc just before, i knew i wanted to marry james, he's my soul mate. but making the commitment of children was a much bigger thing for us. now we're getting married in a couple of months time, and having our daughter there is the most wonderful thing ever! though once we return from florida, as husband and wife, nothing will change for us! we'll still have the same bill's, mortgage and be the same parents and just as in love as we've always been :cloud9:

i think it's total personal choice, and something only you and your partner can decide on :)


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## NuKe

Georgie90 said:


> What is all your opinions on thismy family are quite set on Marriage first, I dont think they are going to take it too well if I get pregnant before getting married  I am quite scared to tell some of them actually!
> 
> OH would also prefer to be married first, I thinkalthough he can be swayed ;) thing is *we cant afford bothI am not too bothered about a wedding and would rather leave it till after having our first child..*
> 
> What do you all think?

this is exactly how i felt too! in my family, marriage has ALWAYS come before kids, but thats not to say they disapproved of us ttc before marriage. we aren't even engaged! (yet! :blush:) tbh, i wud go to city hall in jeans to get married.


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## lynnikins

For us it was Marriage first then children, its mostly been that way in my family except for an Uncle who got his GF pregnant before they got married but they were married before my cousin was born, 
To me i knew i wanted to spend my life with my hsuband so why not prove that to everyone by getting married , taking his name and wearing his ring, getting married wasnt a huge thing we did it caus we wanted to and never even had considered having children beforehand, Yes we were young when we got married (20 and 21) but i am much happier knowing that we were married first after seeing so many of my friends relationships breakdown during pregnancy ( a very very stressful time for most couples ) even when they had planned to have the child and now they are single mums and struggling and their LO's barely see their dads.
we dont see our children as a commiment to each other but as a commitment together towards our children to be there for our kids for their whole lives , our marriage is a sign of our commitment to each other and although it can legally end in divorce if something that bad happend then its alot harder to get out of a marriage than to just walk out on your OH and child, ive seen it happen


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## Darkest

We were engaged before we even fell preg with our first. And stayed that way for the next 5 years. We knew we were going to get married one day, but were not fussed if kids came before or after the wedding.
We had 2 before we got married, and now are trying for a 3rd. Just the way things went, no forward planning involved.


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## Button#

We got married two years ago and we are WTT for our first. This was right for us because we were ready to get married then but not to have children. I think individual circumstances have different needs and if you don't care that much about getting married then there is no need to go to the trouble and expense (no matter what that expense is, big or small) of a ceremony you don't believe in.

We both have had traditional upbringings but to be honest they were more likely to put us off marriage so I'm not sure how much of an influence they have been. We loved getting married and having our families all in one place as we don't get to see them that often, but our biggest commitment so far has been getting a joint mortgage together. Not as romantic as our wedding but far more bindng in a financial sense.


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## wannabeprego

I am very traditional. I wanted to be my OH's wife before I had his children. I wanted to know that he was committed enough to me to get married. I also wanted to have a few years of being married first before we started TTC. I wanted to be his wife, not just his "baby's mamma" and I wanted to take his last name as well. I think that having a child is a much bigger committment than marriage is because you can simply get a divorce, After all a child ties the two of you together for life. But, if a man loves you enough to have his baby, than why wouldnt he want you to be his wife??? Also an unmarried man can walk away from his committment to his child at anytime as well, men do it all of the time and the women gets stuck with the responsibilty. 

Also why should a man marry you if you are willing to have his children without the committment of marriage?????? Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free??? Also another question, if he doesnt want to marry you than you may want to question where the relationship is going, does he love you enough to make you his wife or not?? If not , than maybe you are just not the one for him. How many times do you see guys that end a relationship and after meet someone else and marry, hmmm??

I have a girlfriend that was dating a guy from college for about 8 years, and she wanted to get married and have kids, and he wouldnt make the committment of marriage. So you know what she got sick of waiting and left him. Her biological clock was ticking and she wasnt waiting on his sorry behind to make a choice. 


When I said my vows I meant them and want to grow old with my husband. I also fell that if I am going to go through the difficulty of pregnancy and the pain of child birth the only man I would ever be willing to go through that for is my husband. I always dreamed of a wedding since I was a young girl and was able to have a beautiful one with my husband. I also wanted to create a traditional environment to raise our future children in since I am a role model and an example for my children after all. 

You also have more rights when you are the wife if things do ever get bad and you get divorced. 


Just my own personal views on the issue, of course I have read a variety of views on this issue and of course every one's situation is different, but this is my opinion on this topic. :flower:


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## MrsWifey

We started TTC before we even talked about marriage. We knew we wanted to spend our lives together and have children and marriage is a way to consolidate that commitment. I think it's up to you what your priorities are as to whether to have babies or a wedding first. If I had to choose between them then I would have chosen babies and so would my husband. You need to make the choice that's right for you, not grandparents or anyone else. Even if they don't like that you get pregnant before getting married surely they'll get over that as soon as they meet their grandchild.


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## PinkEmily

I grew up knowing that i wanted to be married before having kids. My family are all religious and believe that also. OH is more relaxed about the whole thing. 

I know that my family are disappointed that we aren't married and expecting but my views have changed towards the whole thing since my own parents split up when i was 14. For me, i think we are in a great position to have a baby at the moment. We have our own house with a mortgage, OH has a great job and we will have been together 5 years when the baby is born. I don't feel that having a marriage certificate will change much. But i would like to get married one day... maybe in a year or two :)


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## ManicsGirl

Ideally I'd like to be married to my OH before TTC, but if we have a happy surprise before marriage, I wouldn't get married just because of the baby. The way I see it, marriage is a commitment to each other, having a baby isn't - it's a commitment to the child.
I see getting engaged as a commitment as well, and a joint mortgage is probably a bigger commitment again. But I don't see the point in getting engaged if you have no intentions of getting married, it totally defeats the purpose of the "Will you marry me?" question.
Personally, I don't want a big wedding, I would be so happy with just the two of us and our parents (although having mentioned this to OH before, he was like "what about our brothers and sisters and their partners?" which then snowballed out to his extended family :dohh:). Having a baby wouldn't mean I'd have to put back that sort of thing, but it might if I was more bothered about the ceremony than the actual "being married part". IMO, if you're that desperate to marry your OH/FOB, the ceremony shouldn't matter.

This may sound a bit harsh, but these days it does seem like there's some confusion between a marriage and a wedding. Which is why I totally respect those of you who say that you don't see what difference a bit of paper makes :thumbup:. If I knew that marriage wasn't on the cards, then I would TTC as soon as we were both done with uni and earning some money, but because I know that we both want it, coming from traditional Catholic backgrounds then I would like us to commit fully to each other and be able to have time to enjoy it before having some very much wanted LOs.
Although, I'm pretty pissed with my parents cause I only recently found out that they married 2 months after I was born, but they always told me that they were married for a year longer than they actually were on their anniversary. It hurt, because initially I felt like they were ashamed of me, but now I have been thinking that it would have been for my own protection as well, v. judgemental family back in those days who are now mostly dead lol.


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## sarah1989

Its a hard decision! 

I am fine either way, and would have loved having a child even if not married, but only if I knew the man I had a baby with was someone I would marry in the future. I was brought up on very conservative values (date for a few years, no sex before marriage, marry and then have children a few years later). 

My DH and I were not dating long before we decided to get married. My family was appalled at that... I am not sure how they would feel about children before marriage. We decided to start TTC'ing before our wedding, but we did know a marriage was in our near future. I think in the end it depends on who I was having children with. If I was having children with anyone I could - then no I would not want that, as I would want to know that my children would have a stable life with a mother and a father. If I was looking to start a family with someone and settle down with them, then I would say for sure go for it, knowing I would be with the person long term/rest of my life. 

I am now married, and do appreciate the time I have alone with my husband, and having money to spend on things we want to buy, but at the same time we do want children and look forward to that day when we are able to! :) A wedding was not something I ever thought I _needed or wanted_, as long as I had a commitment to someone was enough for me. We had our marriage ceremony mainly for our families, because that is what they wanted. You do not have to spend a fortune on getting married, we spent 2500$ CAD and it was a simple but fabulous day, and I wouldn't change a thing :D

Best of Luck on your decision!!


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## Avalnda

I don't know, it's different for everyone, whether it's the way they were raised or just their general opinion on the matter, we each have our own reasons for wanting something different, and i respect that. I personally want to marry my OH before we start trying, not because of tradition, or the way i was raised, i just want to celebrate our commitment without waking up at 3 a.m. to feed a baby (not that i'm saying that's a bad thing, it's definitely a blessing, but i could go without it on a honeymoon :haha: ) Plus I would absolutely ADORE the title of his Wife, and I do feel a bit shy about the idea of telling anyone i know that i want a baby, my parents are very open and untraditional, but for some reason I'm more the parent of the family :haha: i don't like to cause a fuss or draw attention to myself or my family. Society is so judgmental, i don't enjoy the idea of being just another gossip. I suppose I'd prefer marriage just to stay out of the limelight, i prefer my privacy :shy:


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## EllaUmbrella

I think that the "take-away lesson" from this is, "don't be judgmental towards other people, b/c you don't know what's important to THEM vs. what's important to YOU." 

I don't really care either way...I *do* know that if I'm really old and at the end of my life, looking back on my life, I will be very sad if I never got to have a child. However, I will not be 'too' broken up if I never got married.

That's how I make my life decisions actually...asking will this matter at the end of my life, is this important at the end of my life, is this a story I want to tell my grandkids one day. Though it may seem grim, it isn't really, it keeps you happier b/c it puts things in perspective. :) :jo:


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## JCsquaredd

I say follow your heart! Children are a bigger (definitely more of a life-long) commitment than marriage is these days.


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## abarker6

Hi my name is Abbee. I haven't ever posted in this section but I would like to post to the OP. My family was dead set on the whole getting married before having kids until my older sister got pregnant at 20 and wasn't married. 

I am 19 and have been engaged for almost 2 years. My fiance and I at first weren't trying to prevent a pregnancy but after seeing what my sister went through we decided to wait till a couple of years after we have been married cause we would like to enjoy ourselfs and our marriage before trying to bring a child into our relationship. I would love to be pregnant and have a LO of my own to take care of and cuddle at night. But then again I would also like to have fun at night with my fiance and our families before having to worry about being home early to put or child to bed. (Just how I see it)

But sorry got off topic. The way I look at having children before marriage isn't as crazy as it always was when we were little to me. It is the couples choice and if that is what you would like to do then I say try talking to your OH and see what he has to say. 

:)
Abbee


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## LankyDoodle

To me, yes, marriage before babies was and is important, but it's a personal thing. We have friends who have been together for years and have 3 lovely children but would never contemplate marriage.

We made a conscious decision to wait until we were very settled and knew each other as well as possible before having children. We had been married 6 years when I got my BFP and she was born in April. We had been together 8 years when she was born. From our point of view, we had 8 years of ups and downs (my health being the main one), but it was 8 years of getting to know each other, having fun, enjoying being DINKYs. So now we have her, we've brought a modicum of life experience that I personally feel is important. I was desperate for a baby from about 2 years into our marriage but my husband wanted to wait and it was actually the right thing for us to do so - I would never have forced his hand anyway.


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## 4magpies

Kids first for me... wedding later. I think thats what my family knows is going to happen anyway. They arent bothered as long as I am happy. Getting married isnt a big thing to me or OH. Dont get my wrong I would love a lovely wedding but they cost a fortune and I would rather spend the money on other things.

We bought a house together and I see that as a bigger commitment than getting married. If we decide to get married in the future then fair enough but I will be having children before I get married as I dont want to have to wait and if he is committed enough to make a baby with me then I am happy with that a huge party & a ring on my finger doesnt really matter to me.

xxx


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## 4magpies

Mindy_mini said:


> if you're not prepared to commit to some one for life, then imho you shouldnt be having children together. raising children is a life time commitment to them and each other so if you're not prepared to marry first what does that say about your dedication to the children.

I am commited to my partner to life. Just because marrige isnt that high up on our cards does in no way mean that we are not commited to each other!!

Thats an awful attitude to have.

How can you say that I shouldnt be having children with my other half because we arent married. 

I would probably make a better parent that some of the married people I know. Being married doesnt make you better parents than a couple who are not married.


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## Aidan's Mummy

Marriage just makes you more secure in a legal point of view

But can sometimes be a bad thing as some couples can't afford a divorce, therefore are stuck in a loveless marriage where the children suffer
xx


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## Trying4ababy

Marriage before babies was a requirement for me. I don't believe in having sex before marriage


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## EllaUmbrella

I would echo that, "Marriage DOES NOT make you a better person or more righteous."

These are U.S. references but....

-Jon & Kate (from the U.S. TV show J&K + 8)? 
They were MARRIED, young, had 8 children, Awww how perfect right?? - no, they are both horrible people (IMO) in different ways. (You can google them if you aren't familiar, you'll find a bunch of stuff)

-Balloon Boy's parents? MARRIED, with several children, owned a house, etc. Awwww, how "perfect!" That's the good ole' American dream! Yet...NO....they're HORRIBLE people. (Here is the news story on Balloon Boy: https://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/18/colorado.balloon.investigation/ ).

~People in general seem to want a superficial way to quantify if someone is a "good person" or not. (ex: married, own a house, have children, have a "good family," etc....)

Yet...being a good/better person is not easily quantifiable, and (gasp!) being married (and having kids!) is Not a qualifier for being a good or righteous person. Sorry, there's just no easy way to judge people.....so maybe we should stop.

(*I'm not saying that any above posters are saying this, am just saying as an example....*) Waiting until you're married before you have sex, doesn't make you a "better" person. Waiting until after children to get married (or not) does not make you a "worse" person.

How you DO tell a better or more virtuous person, is more complicated, and for a different post...it's less tangible, things like being patient, kind, loving, non-judgmental.....

This reminds me of the TV show Will & Grace [yes clearly I watch too much TV] where one of the running jokes was, if someone tried to make an actual point, W&G would say something like "Wait, if you don't pay attention to fashion, then how do we know that you're better than other people??" Exactly....you Don't.


----------



## Trying4ababy

My choice was because of my religion and personal beliefs


----------



## EllaUmbrella

Trying4ababy said:


> My choice was because of my religion and personal beliefs

Totally, I was *not-at-all* saying that you're trying to pull a "holier-than-thou" card, just that surely everyone knows ppl who are like this...

"Oh they were married and THEN had kids, so they're *better* than those heathens" :wacko: or whatever. Some ppl in my own family are like this. :dohh:....

....Or, maybe people are only like this in the U.S., or disproportionately in the U.S.?
If you saw the whole Sarah Palin thing u know what I mean. People going "Ohhh her pregnant teenage daughter is soooo cute, since she's engaaaged..." 
I shudder to think what these same people's comments would be if the Obama family showed up with five children, one of them a pregnant teenager. Good ole' American racism :growlmad: . Being judgmental leads to a slippery slope of misogyny and racism.....

Anyway *takes deep breath* I'm getting WAYYYY off-the-rails, this subject of "judgment due to the order of one's life choices" just touched a nerve with me. 

~Again, my answer is that "in my life I will regret not having a child, more than not getting married," thus, having a child is more important to me so I don't care about the order. :flower:


----------



## Seity

Marriage first was a requirement for me. However, having a slip of paper doesn't always mean you're in a committed relationship any more than not having it means you aren't. Plus, some of my friends can't marry because they are of the same sex.
I think it's much more important that the two people involved have discussed what they want out of the relationship, have discussed having children and how many, and have a realistic expectation of what's involved once another life becomes involved in that relationship. I also feel finances should have been considered and talked about in relation to bringing up a child as well.


----------



## jeanniepresto

do what u want .... thats all that matters


----------



## Georgie90

4magpies said:


> Mindy_mini said:
> 
> 
> if you're not prepared to commit to some one for life, then imho you shouldnt be having children together. raising children is a life time commitment to them and each other so if you're not prepared to marry first what does that say about your dedication to the children.
> 
> I am commited to my partner to life. Just because marrige isnt that high up on our cards does in no way mean that we are not commited to each other!!
> 
> Thats an awful attitude to have.
> 
> How can you say that I shouldnt be having children with my other half because we arent married.
> 
> I would probably make a better parent that some of the married people I know. Being married doesnt make you better parents than a couple who are not married.Click to expand...

Mindy...what an awful thing to say! Making a commitment is not about signing a piece of paper and having a ring on your finger, at all...really commitment is being dedicated to each other, and that in no way means married. Thats a ver naive approach that someone wouldnt be dedicated to their children because they wasnt married...:shrug::dohh:


----------



## lulu61388

marriage and then babies for me, it has never not been in the order for me. i don't feel that just because OTHER people don't take marriage seriously doesn't mean that my OH and i will do the same. i have had several incredible examples of marriage in my life. my grandparents were married for 45 years, my parents just celebrated 32 years together and i have a first cousin that has been married to her husband for 12 years.

now that i am engaged my mom has been giving me a lot of advice on how she and my dad have done so well together. marriage is tough and hard work but i will not even think about TTC until we are married for at least 2 years.


----------



## emmad339

Mindy_mini said:


> I dont really see the point in marraige after kids (well planned children any way) if you're not prepared to commit to some one for life, then imho you shouldnt be having children together. raising children is a life time commitment to them and each other so if you're not prepared to marry first what does that say about your dedication to the children.

Personally I think that comment is really ignorant!!! - my partner and I are not married but that certainly does not mean that we are not committed to each other and definately does not make us less dedicated to our children - how dare you! My partner had been married previously and that ended in divorce so just because you have a piece of paper and a ring, it does not necessarily mean you will stay together forever. If you strongly believe in marriage before having children then that's your opinion and you are entitled to that but don't cast doubt on my dedication to my children just because I am unmarried :growlmad:


----------



## JCsquaredd

EllaUmbrella said:


> ....Or, maybe people are only like this in the U.S., or disproportionately in the U.S.?
> If you saw the whole Sarah Palin thing u know what I mean. People going "Ohhh her pregnant teenage daughter is soooo cute, since she's engaaaged..."
> I shudder to think what these same people's comments would be if the Obama family showed up with five children, one of them a pregnant teenager. Good ole' American racism :growlmad: . Being judgmental leads to a slippery slope of misogyny and racism.....

SOOOO agree!!


----------



## lolis

***DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion***

I really resent it when someone says that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and a ring. My marriage is definently not just a piece of paper and a ring.

I think that everyone here has been really respectful to those who are in unmarried relationships, however those of us who are married have to tolerate others saying that our marriages are nothing more than a piece of paper and a ring.

IMO, marriage is a social contract. You are legally committing yourself to another individual for the rest of your life before a group of people. You make a vow "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

I understand that some people say that they don't need to legalize their union and that marriage is not important to them. Great. You are entitled to live your life as you please, and that's awesome, right?

I just don't understand how to people can be totally committed to each other and not bother getting married - IMO.

IMO, I would not have children with someone who didn't want to marry me first. IMO, someone is holding out for something better or something else. IMO. 

IMO, I wouldn't want to have a child in an unmarried relationship - I feel that is inherently an unstable relationship - again, just my opinion. 

Yeah, you can get divorced. But bear in mind that it is a lot easier to walk away from an unmarried relationship.

*In the end, we are all entitled to live our lives as we please, and that is great*. We also don't have to chose between children and marriage - we can have one, neither or both.

Go ahead and flame me, but it's just my opinion. I don't really care what others do, because it's really not any of my business.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

lolis said:


> ***DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion***
> 
> I really resent it when someone says that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and a ring. My marriage is definently not just a piece of paper and a ring.
> 
> I think that everyone here has been really respectful to those who are in unmarried relationships, however those of us who are married have to tolerate others saying that our marriages are nothing more than a piece of paper and a ring.
> 
> IMO, marriage is a social contract. You are legally committing yourself to another individual for the rest of your life before a group of people. You make a vow "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."
> 
> I understand that some people say that they don't need to legalize their union and that marriage is not important to them. Great. You are entitled to live your life as you please, and that's awesome, right?
> 
> I just don't understand how to people can be totally committed to each other and not bother getting married - IMO.
> 
> IMO, I would not have children with someone who didn't want to marry me first. IMO, someone is holding out for something better or something else. IMO.
> 
> IMO, I wouldn't want to have a child in an unmarried relationship - I feel that is inherently an unstable relationship - again, just my opinion.
> 
> *Yeah, you can get divorced. But bear in mind that it is a lot easier to walk away from an unmarried relationship*.
> 
> *In the end, we are all entitled to live our lives as we please, and that is great*. We also don't have to chose between children and marriage - we can have one, neither or both.
> 
> Go ahead and flame me, but it's just my opinion. I don't really care what others do, because it's really not any of my business.

Yes and IMO and personal experiance ALOT of people are stuck in loveless marriages because they can't afford a divorce
xx


----------



## lolis

> Yes and IMO and personal experiance ALOT of people are stuck in loveless marriages because they can't afford a divorce
> xx

Out here in the US, where 1/2 of marriages end divorces, I don't think it's that expensive to get divorced. Like, I said, it's possible to get divorced. 

And I would never stay in a loveless marriage, not matter what the cost. Even if I had to do the most digusting job ever to afford it, I would. :)


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

My sisters divorce is costing her £1,000. Sheis already working two jobs.
xx


----------



## Ozzieshunni

lolis said:


> Yes and IMO and personal experiance ALOT of people are stuck in loveless marriages because they can't afford a divorce
> xx
> 
> Out here in the US, where 1/2 of marriages end divorces, I don't think it's that expensive to get divorced. Like, I said, it's possible to get divorced.
> 
> And I would never stay in a loveless marriage, not matter what the cost. Even if I had to do the most digusting job ever to afford it, I would. :)Click to expand...

I have to say, I got married for all the wrong reasons and I am now part of that statistic in the USA. I got divorced and met and great man and we wanted to get married no matter what because it was our way of showing how committed we were to each other. Not to say that's for everyone. We were TTC before we got married and are still TTC. We hope to renew our vows back in the USA for friends and family over there. To me, it doesn't matter. If you love someone and want to bring a child into the world, you don't have to be married. It's just your own preference and beliefs. Being happy is what is most important.


----------



## Ozzieshunni

Btw, my divorce cost $500 total, that's all the fees and filing of paperwork. Don't tell me that's not expensive. And that was an amicable divorce. It could have been more had we gone to court.


----------



## lolis

Okay, I won't tell you. ;)


----------



## Ozzieshunni

Sorry, I just really hate my ex and he was an asshole about it all :grr: I had to pay partial rent on our apartment until the lease expired even though I wasn't living there.


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## lolis

It's okay, I was just playing. I've seen some epic divorce battles...so if they could have been divorced for $500 - they would have been really happy!

Most people don't get my sense of humor, so I am not easily offended. :)


----------



## JCsquaredd

lolis said:


> Yes and IMO and personal experiance ALOT of people are stuck in loveless marriages because they can't afford a divorce
> xx
> 
> Out here in the US, where 1/2 of marriages end divorces, I don't think it's that expensive to get divorced. Like, I said, it's possible to get divorced.
> 
> And I would never stay in a loveless marriage, not matter what the cost. Even if I had to do the most digusting job ever to afford it, I would. :)Click to expand...

That's MUCH easier said than done. There are so many reasons why someone might feel stuck in a relationship. Divorce can be expensive, especially if income is low (or not-existent) and someone has children to care for. There are women who are SAHMs and haven't worked in a long time which can make finding a job difficult and scary. Would you rather be in an unhappy marriage or not be able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or you children? Not to mention the enormous variety emotional and psychological reasons why it could be difficult to get out of a relationship.


----------



## Ozzieshunni

This is true. I stayed with my ex for about 4 years because I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone else and felt I had no choice. When he told me children were a burden, that's when I knew I couldn't stay with him.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Also I was 17 when my son came along so marriage wasn't legal. And now it is my main aim is to pay my way through Uni so marriage is really not a fiancial option right now
xx


----------



## lolis

JCsquaredd said:


> lolis said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes and IMO and personal experiance ALOT of people are stuck in loveless marriages because they can't afford a divorce
> xx
> 
> Out here in the US, where 1/2 of marriages end divorces, I don't think it's that expensive to get divorced. Like, I said, it's possible to get divorced.
> 
> And I would never stay in a loveless marriage, not matter what the cost. Even if I had to do the most digusting job ever to afford it, I would. :)Click to expand...
> 
> That's MUCH easier said than done. There are so many reasons why someone might feel stuck in a relationship. Divorce can be expensive, especially if income is low (or not-existent) and someone has children to care for. There are women who are SAHMs and haven't worked in a long time which can make finding a job difficult and scary. Would you rather be in an unhappy marriage or not be able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or you children? Not to mention the enormous variety emotional and psychological reasons why it could be difficult to get out of a relationship.Click to expand...

Dood, people have free will to make choices. They may not be easy, it may not be fun, it may be difficult and painful. Having lived on both ends of the income scale, there are plenty of resources out there for peoplel like SAHMs. My mom stayed home when were kids and managed to divorce my dad and get a job. 

Of course, I do understand that it doesn't apply to everyone's situation. 

Maybe that's why the divorce is rate is about 1/2 and not 3/4's?


----------



## Ozzieshunni

Statistics show that most women will be married twice, live in another country, and have muliple jobs. My mum told me that my life made sense cause I've done all of those :haha:


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

That actually sounds true. Wise words lol
xx


----------



## lolis

Ozzieshunni said:


> Statistics show that most women will be married twice, live in another country, and have muliple jobs. My mum told me that my life made sense cause I've done all of those :haha:

Yep, that sounds about right! :)


----------



## Ozzieshunni

:rofl: It was how she justified my doing something so out of character.


----------



## JCsquaredd

lolis said:


> Dood, people have free will to make choices. They may not be easy, it may not be fun, it may be difficult and painful. Having lived on both ends of the income scale, there are plenty of resources out there for peoplel like SAHMs. My mom stayed home when were kids and managed to divorce my dad and get a job.
> 
> Of course, I do understand that it doesn't apply to everyone's situation.
> 
> Maybe that's why the divorce is rate is about 1/2 and not 3/4's?

Free will is pretty debatable considering the (often subtle and usually unconscious) influence of social policy, sexism, racism, classim etc. Plenty of resources for SAHMs? If that were actually true than single mothers wouldn't make up the highest portion of people living in poverty. There's a massive difference from low income and actually legitimately struggling to _survive_. Like I said, there are MANY psychological and emotional reasons as to why it would be hard to get out of an unhappy relationship such as learned helplessness, feelings of invalidation, anxiety, fear.. the list goes on and on.

Maybe leaving your SO would be easy for *you* if the relationship was not a happy one but you can't make the generalization that it should be easy for everyone.


----------



## lolis

JCsquaredd said:


> lolis said:
> 
> 
> Dood, people have free will to make choices. They may not be easy, it may not be fun, it may be difficult and painful. Having lived on both ends of the income scale, there are plenty of resources out there for peoplel like SAHMs. My mom stayed home when were kids and managed to divorce my dad and get a job.
> 
> Of course, I do understand that it doesn't apply to everyone's situation.
> 
> Maybe that's why the divorce is rate is about 1/2 and not 3/4's?
> 
> Free will is pretty debatable considering the (often subtle and usually unconscious) influence of social policy, sexism, racism, classim etc. Plenty of resources for SAHMs? If that were actually true than single mothers wouldn't make up the highest portion of people living in poverty. There's a massive difference from low income and actually legitimately struggling to _survive_. Like I said, there are MANY psychological and emotional reasons as to why it would be hard to get out of an unhappy relationship such as learned helplessness, feelings of invalidation, anxiety, fear.. the list goes on and on.
> 
> Maybe leaving your SO would be easy for *you* if the relationship was not a happy one but you can't make the generalization that it should be easy for everyone.Click to expand...

*That's why I said: 

I do understand that it doesn't apply to everyone's situation.*

So be careful about saying things like, "You can't make the generalization that it would be easy for everyone," because I didn't.


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## Aidan's Mummy

Wow only 9 posts and straight into a controverisal topis. You like to make an entrance :)
xx


----------



## lolis

Aidan's Mummy said:


> Wow only 9 posts and straight into a controverisal topis. You like to make an entrance :)
> xx

I am not shy. And I've lurked for a long time. :)


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## Aidan's Mummy

It's good you have made the step to posting. This forum is very supportive
xx


----------



## lolis

Aidan's Mummy said:


> It's good you have made the step to posting. This forum is very supportive
> xx

Thanks, but I think I will probably go back to lurking and talking to my cat. :/


----------



## lulu61388

lolis said:


> ***DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion***
> 
> I really resent it when someone says that marriage is nothing but a piece of paper and a ring. My marriage is definently not just a piece of paper and a ring.
> 
> I think that everyone here has been really respectful to those who are in unmarried relationships, however those of us who are married have to tolerate others saying that our marriages are nothing more than a piece of paper and a ring.
> 
> IMO, marriage is a social contract. You are legally committing yourself to another individual for the rest of your life before a group of people. You make a vow "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."
> 
> I understand that some people say that they don't need to legalize their union and that marriage is not important to them. Great. You are entitled to live your life as you please, and that's awesome, right?
> 
> I just don't understand how to people can be totally committed to each other and not bother getting married - IMO.
> 
> IMO, I would not have children with someone who didn't want to marry me first. IMO, someone is holding out for something better or something else. IMO.
> 
> IMO, I wouldn't want to have a child in an unmarried relationship - I feel that is inherently an unstable relationship - again, just my opinion.
> 
> Yeah, you can get divorced. But bear in mind that it is a lot easier to walk away from an unmarried relationship.
> 
> *In the end, we are all entitled to live our lives as we please, and that is great*. We also don't have to chose between children and marriage - we can have one, neither or both.
> 
> Go ahead and flame me, but it's just my opinion. I don't really care what others do, because it's really not any of my business.

tbh i can't stand when i hear "oh it is just a piece of paper" ...no it really isn't. i'm not saying that every couple with a child needs to be married, but there are still those people out there (including my OH and i) that want to be married, want to make those vows and want to be legally bound to each other. i also want to share the same last name as my OH and our future child.


----------



## Georgie90

lulu...thats the reason I would want to be married before having child - all so we can have the same surname, but you dont need to be married to change your surname anymore....i appreciate that everyone has different opinions...i was just curious as to what people thought..:)


----------



## RoxyRoo

We started TTC last January, we were engaged at the time. 

As it turns out we've been unable to conceive so far :'(

In the meantime we decided to run away to Gretna Green and get married, just the two of us! I'm so glad that we did. It feels even more special to be TTC now, our bond seems to have strengthened further, even after 7 years together.

So, yep, I'm glad that we're now married before we'll have children, but it didn't used to bother me. Strange how your feelings on it can change, eh?

Oh, and it also annoys me when people say that marriage is just a piece of paper. It is so, so much more to my husband and I.


----------



## lily28

RoxyRoo said:


> We started TTC last January, we were engaged at the time.
> 
> As it turns out we've been unable to conceive so far :'(
> 
> *In the meantime we decided to run away to Gretna Green and get married, just the two of us! I'm so glad that we did. It feels even more special to be TTC now, our bond seems to have strengthened further, even after 7 years together.*
> 
> So, yep, I'm glad that we're now married before we'll have children, but it didn't used to bother me. Strange how your feelings on it can change, eh?
> 
> Oh, and it also annoys me when people say that marriage is just a piece of paper. It is so, so much more to my husband and I.


Oh congrats! :flower: You eloped! So ramantic, it was my dream to elope!!!:cloud9:

IMHO marriage makes the bond stronger!


----------



## PeanutBean

We got married before having a baby. My sister and sister-in-law had their when weddings when they were pregnant (one with first and one with second child) and my other brother married when his first twins were 6 months old. We're kind of easy about it. We wouldn't be bothered if any of us hadn't got married. I took my husband's name but only because I thought it was better than my own and I had some shit I wanted to close off by not even being linked with my name anymore, I actually don't agree with taking the husband's name on principle as I feel this marks an ownership of the woman by the man.

In the UK where there is no common-law for long term partners there is undoubtedly better security and rights for married people, it's worth doing it for that.

On the discussion about commitment, I would argue that marriage is not a particularly fool-proof method of judging how stable a relationship is. There are people in partnerships that last a lifetime and people who marry badly and quickly split up. You can't pigeon-hole a relationship on whether people marry or not. You can be trapped in a loveless (or worse) relationship with or without a marriage certificate and you can break a marriage just as easily as a free relationship, if not quite as cheaply.

The reality of marriage is that historically it has come about as a financial contract between one man and another (the father) whereby the daughter was thrown into the bargain. Everything about the traditional Western ceremony demonstrates this. It's only more recently that we have come to feel marriage is about love and very recently indeed that love is the only reason to do it. Obviously I'm not commenting on other traditions and religions. I imagine there are cultures around the world with ceremonies more and less enlightened than our own currently are.


----------



## candeur

Well, Seren wasn't planned but if she had been then I would've been married beforehand... Not because I think it's the right thing to do or anything, just because it would've been my ideal situation... I've been with my OH for 5 years, and I'm still waiting for him to even propose but he's nagging me for another baby... I've told him that I'm not having another one until we're married... My reasons for this include; I want to have the same surname as Seren and any other baby we may have, for me it's an issue of security aswell and finally... it may give him the kick up the arse he needs to ACTUALLY PROPOSE!! :rofl:


----------



## Sooz

When we decided to get married I still had no desire to have kids (the broodyness hit about 3 months later....was a real shock I tell you) so really it was a no brainer. With hindsight though I don't know how we would have afforded it with a baby alread,y as we saved as we went, because the original savings were towards our first home. 

We've now just brought our house and need to save again for a baby, but I feel for me this is the right order of things as I need to feel secure before I start TTC.


----------



## SylveryStar

Being from a Christian background I would like to be married, then concieve. It just seems right to me for a child to be born into a family commited to each other. Although I do agree, sadly, that marriage doesn't mean what it used to to people:( 
I cant wait for either! Until then ill satisfy myself with daydreaming.
P.s- I'm new and this is my first post. Yay!


----------



## SylveryStar

Sooz, your wedding dress is amazing!


----------



## Ozzieshunni

SylveryStar said:


> Sooz, your wedding dress is amazing!

Yay! First post :flower:


----------



## Sooz

SylveryStar said:


> Sooz, your wedding dress is amazing!

Thank you! :hugs:

Here's a better picture with my bridesmaids.
https://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r27/sooz22_2006/entic_093.jpg


----------



## 4magpies

SylveryStar said:


> Being from a Christian background I would like to be married, then concieve. It just seems right to me for a child to be born into a family commited to each other.

My family is committed to each other though... I dont see why I have to be married to be committed to my partner & him to me.

This is the 20th century and it does seem things are very different across the pond in america.

xx


----------



## Elhaym

4magpies - I agree with you. I have been with my partner for 7 years, but neither of us has ever been much into the idea of marriage. Children are much more important to us. We may get married a few years down the line, when our kid/s is/are older, but if we never did I wouldn't bother in the slightest. We are together and love each other, and that is what matters. If I ever get married, it will be because we have decided we want to, and not because we feel we should do. If that makes sense. :D

Married or not, as long as you can provide a loving home for your child, it's all good IMO.


----------



## 4magpies

Elhaym said:


> 4magpies - I agree with you. I have been with my partner for 7 years, but neither of us has ever been much into the idea of marriage. Children are much more important to us. We may get married a few years down the line, when our kid/s is/are older, but if we never did I wouldn't bother in the slightest. We are together and love each other, and that is what matters. If I ever get married, it will be because we have decided we want to, and not because we feel we should do. If that makes sense. :D
> 
> Married or not, as long as you can provide a loving home for your child, it's all good IMO.

Thats exactly how I see it.

xxx


----------



## PeanutBean

4magpies said:


> This is the 20th century and it does seem things are very different across the pond in america.
> 
> xx

I don't think I would be too controversial in saying that Christianity is more prevalent in the US than here these days. I think there are more people taking it further over there too. So I guess that's probably why marriage is a bigger deal over there.

Some of the traditions seem to be more firmly held there too, like father of the bride paying for the wedding and giving away his daughter. I think generally speaking we might be a bit more relaxed about it here.


----------



## Serene123

We want to get married and it would have been much easier to save to get married before I had Caitlyn. So, if you DO want to get married I say do it before babies. If you're not bothered about being married then don't.


----------



## LunaRose

I'm unmarried & have a son. It wasn't a planned pregnancy but it was a happy surprise! OH & I have a property together, share money and the bills so other than the piece of paper we are as good as married!

Before I got pregnant I did want to be married first but only so I would have the same surname as OH and the baby! 

I know people have made nasty comments about me having a child out of wedlock, but it doesn't really bother me! It's quite an old fashioned view to look down on women who have children before marriage! I'm in a long-term loving relationship and we are financially stable so why that matters, I don't know!

xx


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## Dumpling

I have always wanted to be married before having children. My parents have been happily married for 27 years (still hold hands wherever they go, are eachothers best friends etc.) & I always wanted that too, however, my OH doesn't really believe in marriage. Again his parents have been married for 27 years so its nothing to do with his background. After 5 years I've finally come to the realisation that I want to be with this man for the rest of my life & if that means I don't get married, I won't get married. There has to be compromise in a relationship! However, if he said he didn't want children, that would be the deal breaker for me. We'll be TTC next year & if I'm not married before then, I won't ever do it. I don't want my own children at my wedding & I don't want him to propose just because he feels he has to because I've had his children/am pregnant!

It does make me a bit sad that I will be missing out on something so special, but I'd rather be with him & not married than anything else IYKWIM?!


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## SylveryStar

I didnt mean it in that way...commitment truely has nothing to do with marriage. It's just a personal plus:flower:


4magpies said:


> SylveryStar said:
> 
> 
> Being from a Christian background I would like to be married, then concieve. It just seems right to me for a child to be born into a family commited to each other.
> 
> My family is committed to each other though... I dont see why I have to be married to be committed to my partner & him to me.
> 
> This is the 20th century and it does seem things are very different across the pond in america.
> 
> xxClick to expand...


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## rainysunshine

To my OH and I, our commitment began a long time ago, at no specific date or time. We have been committed to each other for a long time and that commitment isn't any less because it wasn't done in a church or when we said "I do." We actually say I do to each other all the time in romantic moments, etc. To me and OH, marriage is purely legal, as neither of us have a religious attachment to the ceremony (though we are both religious - I'm learning buddhism and he's learning all, leaning towards episcopal). The decision to get married is based on mostly my father financially supporting me and providing health insurance for me if I'm not. There are benefits to legal marriage, but for us, the benefits of not being married are greater. Marriage isn't an emotional thing for us. It is legal. Our relationship wouldn't be any stronger if I wore I white dress and said "I do". 

But that is for us. Everyone is different. I have two sisters who are married. One got pregnant within months of getting married, the other will be waiting a couple years to try. My parents divorced when I was 10, my dad remarried, but my mom has been in a long-term relationship that will probably never lead to marriage, but is still very committed. 

OH's father cheated on his wife with OH's mother, so his mother was never married. He never knew his father. 

Even in one family, there are many different "right" paths to building a family.


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## ljo1984

im very traditional so i wanted to get married before having children, although i have friends who have had kids out of wed lock and ive nothing against it, just wasnt right for me. my brother gets married in 2 weeks and they are then TTC. much be the way we were brought up or something ha ha. my mum always used to tell us you get married then have children!!


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