# Burying our twins tomorrow...



## ceve

Dear mommies,

I have found much solace in visiting this forum, but have never posted until now. Since we lost our 19-week twins (boy and girl) last week (7/7/15), I have received so many emails and notes from people who, although they love me, have never experienced a loss like this one. I really want to connect with women who are going through this, because I am thinking that maybe doing so will offer a special kind of healing :hugs:. 

So, our story (this may be a bit intense to read - I was as honest as possible): We began TTC two years ago, and it wasn't going very well (I am 30). In the Fall (2014), I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and he thought I wasn't ovulating at all, surely from the stress of writing a dissertation (what I was doing at the time). So we went the fertility drugs route, starting with Clomid and then, when that didn't work, moving on to ovulation inductions shots (Bravelle). I took 7 days of Bravelle shots and then, because our insurance wouldn't cover IVF, simply had timed intercourse with my husband. 

We got a positive pregnancy test shortly after that and then, at 8 weeks or so, went in to the doc's for an ultrasound. The endocrinologist told us I was pregnant with FIVE babies. The week following the news was horrendous; the doc told us we should likely have a "fetal reduction" but explained precious little about what that meant. Two weeks later, only four viable pregnancies were visible on u/s. At thirteen weeks, I began seeing a reduction specialist. She was lovely and counseled us that keeping one or two babies was the safest route to having babies "to take home." Not wanted to reduce at all but understanding the risks of not doing so, my husband and I decided to reduce two and keep two. 

We did first one reduction and then, a week later, another (around 14 weeks). They went well, even though they were emotionally very difficult and physically quite painful (needle in my cramping uterus for at least 1 hour, for one of them). We had signed forms before the procedures stating we knew the risks (5% miscarriage, 5% infection then miscarriage). Nothing happened for the first days after the two procedures. Then, 9 days after the second reductions the waters broke from my two reduced babies. I was terrified that it was from the live babies and spent 4 days in the hospital being monitored and on antibiotics to fight possible infections. The two live babies looked good, moving around and plenty of amniotic fluid. But I continued to leak following that hospitalization (June 13-16th), mostly amniotic fluid but some blood as well. 

Then the blood became more profuse and the cramping started. I figured I would take it really, really easy and sat mostly in bed. By early July, I was on self-imposed bedrest, mostly because I was in so much pain. I was going through pads like a mad-woman, but when I went to the hospital around July 4th, they said the babies looked fine and that there was "nothing we can do for you right now." 

On July 6th, I had terrible contractions and increased bleeding during the day, which was unusual (contractions seemed to happen more at night). At 9pm, I had terrible pressure around my lower back (as if I needed to have a BM) and then the red blood began. We were so scared, particularly because we were trying to stay so positive around the outcome of all this. My husband called the ambulance and we went straight to L & D. At this point, nowhere in my mind did I think I was in labor. I was just anxious to see how the babies were doing, if they were okay. In L & D triage, I was literally writhing in pain and not too clear-headed. I told the resident I did NOT want a digital exam (risk of infection) but she said I absolutely needed one, and found that I was 4cms dilated. I still did not believe I was in labor and fought them not to give me a medicine that would make me dilate more. After speaking to my sister, who is a midwife, I realized that I was really going to deliver our twins...

I got an epidural (wonderful move) and delivered them one by one, between 2 and 3am. They came out with their sacs intact (their waters had not broken) and their placentas. The nurse wouldn't let me see the sacs, I imagine because the babies were still moving inside of them. She took them out for a bit, popped the sac, I imagine watched them die of lung collapse, and cleaned them up beautifully. We got to hold them for an hour or so. They were gorgeous and delicate and it was so surreal. The nurse had put little crochet hats on them that grannies in our area knit for miscarried/stillborn babies. It was, overall, a very peaceful birth and moment with the babies.

I left the hospital in somewhat of an altered state. I still had my huge belly (the reduced fetuses were still in there, and I pushed them out the day after at home --- terrible docs at this hospital) and I was in a state of shock about the babies. I don't think I really knew they were gone at this point. A day passed and things got really real really fast. I began crying, hard. My breasts hurt so badly and my milk began dripping everywhere. My husband was in so much pain too but didn't know what to do with my crying. We regretted not having given the babies a proper burial in a cemetery (we had signed a consent form to send them to a common plot in a "miscarriage" part of a local cemetery). After a couple days, I was breaking... I called the hospital back a week later and, thankfully, was able to arrange to have the babies buried formally in an individual grave.

So, the burial is tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to make it through this. I think I will write them a letter with all the things I had planned for them and put it in their casket, along with the owl and giraffe stuffies I got for them. The funeral home said they would take their handprints. I am inconsolable. 

How are you getting through this, dear new friends?

Cee


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am so sorry :cry: it's all new and fresh right now and it hurts so much :cry::cry: It takes time to get a little peace, but the reality is you will cry forever, you will get stronger, but it is like a new normal.. I am not the same person I was 4 yrs ago after loosing Ava .. I am better, but just yesterday the tears came.. A piece of your heart goes with them, it is something you can't get back. Time does help , it helps with acceptance, but you never get over it, ever.. I remember when I came home it still didn't hit me what happened.. After maybe 5 days it hit me and I was just beside myself. My 3 boys at the time were 20, 18 and 12..At 40 I got pregnant ( Total accident) and it was finally with my little girl..I just was so inconsolable :cry: I didn't try again, I just was to scared to face it .. If I was younger I think I would have tried.. 

I know exactly what you are going through, please believe me though things will get better, don't know when, but they will..Always here if you need a friend to talk to... I am so sorry..All My Love, Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## LDC

Oh Cee I'm so sorry, what an ordeal. 

I, like you, have no one to really talk to about any of this - I delivered our little boy on Sunday. It hurts like hell and seems like there is a never ending train of emotions that I'm just riding through all the time. 

At the minute, my plan is keeping busy. Oh and I decorated the garden earlier and put lots of decorations on our fences Which actually made me feel like things were ok for an hour or two. I also decorated a little area where we planted some shrubs for our son and put some little ornaments down for him. I wanted a memory spot for him right at home where he should be. 

Tomorrow will be hard, but you will do it. You've been through so much. I think the letter is a beautiful idea and one that I think I will also do - we are waiting for a funeral date once the PM has been completed. The letter gives a chance to say whatever you want to your children and also help you with your grief. 

Sending you lots of love xxx


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## ceve

Andypanda/Andrea: I was so heartened when I saw that someone actually replied to my post! Someone out there is listening! I am so, so sorry for your loss. Ava must have been such a beautiful little girl, and I can just imagine how much you wanted her... It is comforting to think that, if I am patient, I will begin to feel more normal again... Right now, the pain is just so raw. I also feel so lonely, even with DH around. I guess dealing with pain is just such an individual process, ultimately. :shrug:

LDC: I read your recent posts after seeing your reply to mine, and I just can't believe you have it in you to help console me right now, with all you've also been through... My goodness, dear heart. Hopefully you are taking things one breath, one footstep at a time. :hugs:

I am dreading sitting down to write this letter --- how odd! I have so many things to say to our babies, but it is just so hard to sit down and do it. But if I don't, then I won't make it to the funeral home in time, so that is definitely motivation. Here is a pic of the stuffies I got for the babies. I have been clutching them in bed most of the day. DH doesn't know what to do with me, I think... He is in pain too, but it seems not like the moaning-bawling kind...
 



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## vermeil

*gentle hug* I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter and son. I wish I could magically whisk the pain and turmoil away... 

Men process grief differently, they tend to internalise it more and 'harden up'. Just try to talk it through with him.

The plushies are very cute! What a great idea. :hugs:


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## LDC

How are you feeling lovely? Did the funeral go as best that it could? 

The toys are adorable, absolutely perfect. 

I think at times like this it's nice to be in touch with someone who is going through the same wave of emotions. It brings comfort knowing that there is someone around who feels the same. 

I'm thinking about you, you're such a strong woman. You will come through this, hell I know it doesn't seem like it now though, I want to crawl in a hole never to come out but I hold out hope that each day is another day I've survived feeling like this. Xxx


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## Wriggley

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: I hope the funeral went well much love sent your way xxx


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## mbg81

So very sorry for your loss...sending you huggs


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## sethsmummy

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## Boozlebub

Thinking of you x


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## LoraLoo

I'm so very sorry, absolutely heartbreaking to read your struggles, and then loss of your beautiful babies.
We lost Eve at 5 days old to Meningitis, and Alfie at 18 weeks pregnant. We buried Alfie with his big Sister.
In time, physically you will heal, emotionally is a different story. Let yourself grieve, it's like a roller coaster. The pain never goes? But in time the good days will put number the bad.
Thinking of you and your little angels xx


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## ceve

What a lovely thing to sign in to this page and find all your warm and encouraging messages... Thank you all...

The funeral was very reassuring to me. It was so much worse to have our little babies in a lab in the hospital histology unit or in the funeral home than in the ground. I much prefer them at peace, and I have felt more peaceful since we buried them.

That said, I seem to have these moments when the reality of what happened just comes crashing down around me. Then I break down again. I just miss them so much!! My little sweeties, I want them back in there! :-(:-(


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## ceve

LoraLoo, I just read about how you lost your baby girl, Eve. I am so deeply sorry... Though everyone's story is so personal, I recognize many emotions from your initial posting in myself, especially the feeling that I failed my babies... That haunts me at night. The pathology reports showed that both babies were fine (and their waters never broke); so I just pushed out healthy babies because of an effaced cervix & contractions due to my reduction procedures... Heartwrenching thought...


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## LoraLoo

Ah thank you for reading her story xx
Guilt is the worst emotion I find, it's a pointless emotion that only serves as torture to ourselves, and yet we can't help it. You cAnt stop what you feel.
Do you think it would help to speak to a councillor? I've been speaking to one again the last 6 months and find it really helps. Those days when I'm punishing myself, she helps me see it wasn't my fault. If you could have saved our babies, we would have. If I'm having a good day, she reminds me that it's fine and that I am allowed to be happy.
I'm glad your babies funeral brought you some peace, it's a difficult thing for any mother to go through xx


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## elmaynet

I'm so very sorry for your loss. 
You will make it through the funeral and all the days after that. Today is the 25th anniversary of the loss of our first at 24 weeks. I subsequently had a little girl and then a twin pregnancy that I delivered at 28 weeks, one son survived and we lost the other. I still carry my first little boy and the twin we lost in my heart. They are always close and they mattered as your twins mattered. I'm so glad that you got to hold them and touch them and love them. Sending love.


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## ThiaC

I cried while reading this thread... All my losses were early, before 7 weeks, which made it a bit less painful.
I named them all, I felt their characters and saw their dreams.

A scientist wrote about an interesting study: When pregnant, bits of dna leak through the placenta. A mother carries her children's dna with her for the rest of her life, and her future children will have her dna strips as well as mother's previous children's dna strips in their body. If look hard, even parts of grandmas dna and grandma's older siblings dna can be found!

Those children, parts of them will always live in you and your children. They were there, they left, but won't disappear.


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