# does a fob who ran away ever come back?



## surprisebaby

as title says. Not wrote on this forum for a while but have been reading lots of people's stories. 

i still can't believe i have a 11 month old daughter an her father has pretty much never even seen her (his choice). he hasn't been there throughout the whole pregnancy. i suppose i thought when she was born he would want to see her then, but no he still hides. we live in the same city( he is in third year studying law). In the past i have made numerous attempts to contact him which he ignores. i haven't wrote to him since August last year. i have decided maybe its just best i cut him off too until he (if he ever does) contacts me. his family are not interested either and sent back the photos i sent of LO.

What now?? is that it.... he'll never ever see her. how can he live with that? surely at some stage in his life (he is only 22) he will realise he has made a terrible mistake. 

Has anyone had similar experience when out of the blue the fob changes his mind or does it look like thats it, he will just never ever have a relationship with her?

sorry a lot of questions noone can really answer just wondered what everyones thoughts are..

thanks :) x


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## whoops

I'm dying to know this as well - I can't understand how somebody could have a child and never want to even meet them. I keep waiting for FOB to get an attack of conscience but looks like that's never going to happen.


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## surprisebaby

whoops said:


> I'm dying to know this as well - I can't understand how somebody could have a child and never want to even meet them. I keep waiting for FOB to get an attack of conscience but looks like that's never going to happen.

hmm just noticed your from Ireland. my fob is from northern ireland. i wonder if its because of how it looks to others? having a child out of marriage wouldn't be seen as the done thing so they try and cover it up. its sickening... so wrong. its gets me sooo angry sometimes. i feel like putting a public banner outside his university with his picture and charlottes picture saying something that make people know what he has done. he just wants to just cover this all up and carry on his life as if nothing has happened and that just infuriates me... he has no concern for how it affects me...never thought about offering me any financial help with charlotte... just cut me off with no thought or concern, makes me mad. I hope something happens in his life to make him realise what he has done...

and he is missing on such a wonderful daughter who lives in the same city as him... hes crazy to not want to see her.


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## chels24uk

My cousin has 2 kids by a "man" she was engaged to. The eldest he was a dad to for 3 years and the youngest he hasnt even met! He was in the army and ran off with some girl from canada. He decided neither of the kids were his and cut all contact. Its been 10 years now. 
I'll never EVER understand how anyone could just ignore the fact they have a child. Its sick


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## billy2mm

tbh i dont think a "man" who runs away at any point will ever come back to stay. he might flit in and out but never stay for any period of time.

my ex-hubby is too lazy to make the effort and he would have to spend his precious money to get the 650 miles up here to see the kids so its best that he pretends that he doesnt have any.


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## DaisyDoodles

My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!

We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:


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## sophieee18

My fob left when I was 30 weeks prego and saw Alfie 4 times. 3 times in the first week and the last time was when Alfie was 4 weeks old when we go him registered. It will be a year in April since we saw him, and as horrible as it sounds, I hope he stays away. I'm managing fine on my own and he will only cause more stress and problems if he comes back.


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## teal

My ex appears to have dropped off the face of the earth. He's never met LO - not my choice.


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## lal

Mine disappeared during pregnancy and now is very involved in our son's life. He is a complete a-hole as far as I'm concerned, and I have to deal with him now, but I know it will be better for the baby to have him around. I think his family had a lot to do with that in the beginning, but now I think he is really happy to see our son. Which is great for the baby, but also means we have to agree on custody/visitation/any decisions. There's good and bad either way, I wouldn't change my situation but if he hadn't bothered I would have honestly been a little relieved.


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## billy2mm

DaisyDoodles said:


> My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!
> 
> *We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere* that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:

:saywhat: :shock:


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## whoops

surprisebaby said:


> whoops said:
> 
> 
> I'm dying to know this as well - I can't understand how somebody could have a child and never want to even meet them. I keep waiting for FOB to get an attack of conscience but looks like that's never going to happen.
> 
> hmm just noticed your from Ireland. my fob is from northern ireland. i wonder if its because of how it looks to others? having a child out of marriage wouldn't be seen as the done thing so they try and cover it up. its sickening... so wrong. its gets me sooo angry sometimes. i feel like putting a public banner outside his university with his picture and charlottes picture saying something that make people know what he has done. he just wants to just cover this all up and carry on his life as if nothing has happened and that just infuriates me... he has no concern for how it affects me...never thought about offering me any financial help with charlotte... just cut me off with no thought or concern, makes me mad. I hope something happens in his life to make him realise what he has done...
> 
> and he is missing on such a wonderful daughter who lives in the same city as him... hes crazy to not want to see her.Click to expand...

:hugs:

My FOB is actually from the UK, so that's not a part of it. He's just a coward.

It's shit, isn't it. Everything in my life has changed - from where I lived to my career plans and he's just carrying on as if nothing happened. He is the one missing out though - my LO is only six weeks old and already I don't want to imagine my life without her.


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## DaisyDoodles

billy2mm said:


> DaisyDoodles said:
> 
> 
> My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!
> 
> *We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere* that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:
> 
> :saywhat: :shock:Click to expand...

I know! :nope:

His parents were so disgusted with his treatment of me and my son they cleared all of his stuff out and in doing so found a photo of twins with a note scrawled on the back.... when I tracked down some of his old friends, they reluctantly told me that he was the father and the twins would have been 12 when my LO was born - FOB had said nothing at all to his parents in all of those years (or me!!)

My son knows that somewhere out there he has half siblings, but we have no way of ever finding them for him! :nope:


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## Newdreemz

Its really sad that this is so "normal". They just move on like nothing happened. Unfortunately, its going to take me years to heal from the pain of it all. I wont explain my story because its pretty much the same. But it really does something to a womans soul. To go thru this is hard. But if anything, you learn from this, and become a hellava woman in the long run.


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## veganmum2be

fob has never seen LO, his choice. i live in wonder and fear i suppose that he will suddenly pop up out of nowhere and want contact...but its doubtfull! 

baffles me also!


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## teal

veganmum2be said:


> fob has never seen LO, his choice. i live in wonder and fear i suppose that he will suddenly pop up out of nowhere and want contact...but its doubtfull!
> 
> baffles me also!

I have that same sort of fear that in a few months or years he'll make contact and it will be a big disruption to my son :nope: xx


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## sophieee18

teal said:


> veganmum2be said:
> 
> 
> fob has never seen LO, his choice. i live in wonder and fear i suppose that he will suddenly pop up out of nowhere and want contact...but its doubtfull!
> 
> baffles me also!
> 
> I have that same sort of fear that in a few months or years he'll make contact and it will be a big disruption to my son :nope: xxClick to expand...

Me too!!


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## imaginary8x

Well, for me he didn't want to know when I was pregnant, I then contacted him after having Amy... well got threated, but i still didnt give up. xD sent him another message on myyearbook telling him he had till September to get in contact with me, as by that point I had enough of running after him. -.- and well he contacted me in September on Facebook wanting to be a dad etc. and that was pretty much the last time he saw Amy as well, says he is trying to get money to come see Amy but god knows. -.-


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## Kathleen

DaisyDoodles said:


> billy2mm said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DaisyDoodles said:
> 
> 
> My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!
> 
> *We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere* that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:
> 
> :saywhat: :shock:Click to expand...
> 
> I know! :nope:
> 
> His parents were so disgusted with his treatment of me and my son they cleared all of his stuff out and in doing so found a photo of twins with a note scrawled on the back.... when I tracked down some of his old friends, they reluctantly told me that he was the father and the twins would have been 12 when my LO was born - FOB had said nothing at all to his parents in all of those years (or me!!)
> 
> My son knows that somewhere out there he has half siblings, but we have no way of ever finding them for him! :nope:Click to expand...


My dad was married before he married my mum. He walked out on my brothers who were 5 and 7 years old-never contacted them again.
When his marriage with my mum broke down, I was 3 years old but it still made an impact on me, he walked away from both of us and never contacted, no birthday/christmas cards nothing!


I don't know why, it may be because it affected me or because I have to have answers but I finally managed to track him down when I was 17...was the most emotional and strangest thing I've ever done. I ended up in his town being welcomed by his family,they completely treated me as if I'd always been in their lives and I met my little sister. The best part....making my dad sqiurm! :rofl: The very 1st phonecall to him was his past catching up with him.

A year later with a bit more snooping, I found my brothers (from his 1st marriage) they were living in Austrailia-bloody amazing! And again...I pointed my brother (the other refused) in my dads direction and the old boy got the second biggest shock of his life!!! :rofl:

My brother came over to meet us and a few years later he moved to my dads town! 


This could be a rare case and I'm over the moon that I've become close to my dad (he had to work for it) but he caused hurt to 3 kids. It was a real shock to see in his house the 1st day I met him-he had a big baby picture of me on the wall which my stepmum had said that it had always been there.

I think the point I'm making after that reeeeeally long post is that, there is a way to get hold of people-takes some time but for these FOB who have left, chances are that they'll always be in fear that their child will turn up one day asking for answers.....which is when they get to deal with an 'adult' child....you should see this as a comfort, one day they'll squirm too!


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## OnErth&InHvn

I think it matters on the FOB. 

DSs dad wanted nothing to do with him until i got a DNA test done, then he wanted to be Father Of The Year but still wanted freedom...then he got a control/mean streak and filed for custody not realizing everything hed have to give up- so his parents ended up with DS while he gets off scott free. I never see him, i never hear from him. I go through his parents. Yet he can make major choices for DS- like putting him in school and lying to me about it. 

I wish hed go away and let me have DS, but he wont. Its all about control still.


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## Becyboo__x

Sounds exactly like my situation i had! well from what you have said!

FOB left me 16 weeks pregnant we was happy had our ups and downs like everyone does.. and he came to my 12 week scan he was more nervous then me literally legs shaking as we waited and after we saw baby for first time he was really happy .. couldnt stop looking at the scan photo.. he drank alot and was always 1 of them guys that came to mine at 2/3am drunk expecting to stay over .. obviously me being pregnant i was in bed and got angry when he did this.. but 1 night i met him at 4am pregnant and he was drunk.. and he just got abit abusive really grabbing my wrists pushing me and all that stuff.. But he left me and the next day he got with another girl.....?! :saywhat: ....... all because 1 of his mates (a girl) who has always fancied him told him the baby isnt even his.. so that was it kicked off and i never saw him again ....

he only asked me when i was 20 weeks what i washaving boy/girl over facebook then he deleted facebook and everything changed his number.. so i couldnt even talk to him.. was heartbreaking really but now hes still with this girl and iv managed to contact him.. iv heard diff stories about him missing me and still loving me.. which im ignoring cause i dont believe it.. but hes told me to leave him alone he doesnt want anything to do with the kid and never will :wacko: i think its his missus pushing him away aswell.. and now hes ignoring all CSA letters which makes me laugh theyll get him 1 way or another xD!

but yeah hes no dad can't believe he did it though overall


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## Aidedhoney

DaisyDoodles said:


> My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!
> 
> We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:

This sounds a bit like my sons father, he hasnt been since since the 22nd December the day his son got out of PICU after heart surgery and a stroke, he had previously been having contact.
Hey ho his loss.........my ex inlaws have regular contact.....the world has some fooked up people in it


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## DaisyDoodles

Kathleen said:


> DaisyDoodles said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> billy2mm said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DaisyDoodles said:
> 
> 
> My son's 'father' left when he was 17 months old because he said couldn't handle the fact that his son was autistic. He's never bother to visit in 14 years despite the fact that his own parents still have regular contact with us... some blokes seem to be able to just switch off the fact that they're a parent and in his case, he lost out BIG time, my son may have been a little harder than some to raise, but he's just been predicted straight A*'s for GCSE's and colleges are falling over themselves to offer him a place!
> 
> *We've since found out that he also has twins out there somewhere* that he hadn't even told his parents about despite knowing that a granchild was everything they ever wanted! :nope:
> 
> :saywhat: :shock:Click to expand...
> 
> I know! :nope:
> 
> His parents were so disgusted with his treatment of me and my son they cleared all of his stuff out and in doing so found a photo of twins with a note scrawled on the back.... when I tracked down some of his old friends, they reluctantly told me that he was the father and the twins would have been 12 when my LO was born - FOB had said nothing at all to his parents in all of those years (or me!!)
> 
> My son knows that somewhere out there he has half siblings, but we have no way of ever finding them for him! :nope:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> My dad was married before he married my mum. He walked out on my brothers who were 5 and 7 years old-never contacted them again.
> When his marriage with my mum broke down, I was 3 years old but it still made an impact on me, he walked away from both of us and never contacted, no birthday/christmas cards nothing!
> 
> 
> I don't know why, it may be because it affected me or because I have to have answers but I finally managed to track him down when I was 17...was the most emotional and strangest thing I've ever done. I ended up in his town being welcomed by his family,they completely treated me as if I'd always been in their lives and I met my little sister. The best part....making my dad sqiurm! :rofl: The very 1st phonecall to him was his past catching up with him.
> 
> A year later with a bit more snooping, I found my brothers (from his 1st marriage) they were living in Austrailia-bloody amazing! And again...I pointed my brother (the other refused) in my dads direction and the old boy got the second biggest shock of his life!!! :rofl:
> 
> My brother came over to meet us and a few years later he moved to my dads town!
> 
> 
> This could be a rare case and I'm over the moon that I've become close to my dad (he had to work for it) but he caused hurt to 3 kids. It was a real shock to see in his house the 1st day I met him-he had a big baby picture of me on the wall which my stepmum had said that it had always been there.
> 
> I think the point I'm making after that reeeeeally long post is that, there is a way to get hold of people-takes some time but for these FOB who have left, chances are that they'll always be in fear that their child will turn up one day asking for answers.....which is when they get to deal with an 'adult' child....you should see this as a comfort, one day they'll squirm too!Click to expand...

I know that if ever my son wanted to (and I've offered many times!) I could find his father without too much trouble. But as far as he's concerned, my new husband has been the only dad he's ever known and at the moment he's just not interested... whether its because of his autism or a fear of being rejected I don't know, but I'll always support him no matter what he decides.

With the twins, we don't even have their names, we know their mothers name was 'Chrissy' and they'd now be 28, but that's it, we just have the photo and the information from his friends that a woman he'd been seeing walked into the pub one evening, marched up to him and thrust a photo into his hands whilst calling him a few choice names and telling him that the photo was the closest he'd ever get to seeing his kids, he wasn't married to her so wouldn't have been on the birth certificate either! :nope: 

Aidedhoney, glad you too have managed to maintain a relationship with the ex inlaws, my son has most definately benefited from having them in his life and to be honest, so have I! :hugs:


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## dom85

I don't hold out much hope that Bradys dad will ever play a significant role in his life, he calls me around xmas and new year every year saying he thinks he's ready now and he text last week saying that hes in the process of sorting his life out but I just can't see him ever being a Dad really. Oh, and Brady will probably never know his other grandparents because his Dad is too chicken to tell his parents about him (he's 32 by the way)


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## sophieee18

dom85 said:


> I don't hold out much hope that Bradys dad will ever play a significant role in his life, he calls me around xmas and new year every year saying he thinks he's ready now and he text last week saying that hes in the process of sorting his life out but I just can't see him ever being a Dad really. Oh, and Brady will probably never know his other grandparents because his Dad is too chicken to tell his parents about him (he's 32 by the way)

Sounds pathetic to me!! You and Brady are better off without him!


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## surprisebaby

Thank you for everyone's replies.. i hoped there would be some happy stories. I liked the post about being reunited with her long lost father... that gives me a bit of hope. i think i am going to just give up on expecting him to get in touch..... totally his loss... hard to understand:shrug:


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## 18singlemom2b

i wonder this too. i didn't want fob to have no role in our daughters life, especially because we had originally planned this pregnancy, but considering all the negativity he has brought on since i got pregnant i think it's probably just best he stays away. if he can't be there from day one chances are he will never be reliable and i'm not going to allow an on again off again father in my daughters life. once she's born i am going to get him to sign away his rights.


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## lauramarie

FOB left when i was 4 months pregnant, didnt want anything to do with Jake, and didn't want to meet him. Jake was entered into the baby competition in the local paper, FOB saw pic and got in contact, decided he wanted to be a dad, this was a week before Jakes first birthday. Think it was a case of out of sight out of mind! Hardest decsion i ever made agreeing to contact, but i knew i had to do it for Jake, things were rocky to start with, he was demanding, we attended mediation, things ok at the moment he sees him for a few hours every friday, and seem genuinly intersted in him. Really don't know if it will last, i hope so for Jakes sake, i really don't want him to get hurt


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## sophieee18

lauramarie said:


> FOB left when i was 4 months pregnant, didnt want anything to do with Jake, and didn't want to meet him. Jake was entered into the baby competition in the local paper, FOB saw pic and got in contact, decided he wanted to be a dad, this was a week before Jakes first birthday. Think it was a case of out of sight out of mind! Hardest decsion i ever made agreeing to contact, but i knew i had to do it for Jake, things were rocky to start with, he was demanding, we attended mediation, things ok at the moment he sees him for a few hours every friday, and seem genuinly intersted in him. Really don't know if it will last, i hope so for Jakes sake, i really don't want him to get hurt

I hope it works out for you too! I understand how hard it must of been to allow FOB to see little Jake, hopefully things carry on going smoothly! X


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## Newdreemz

This thread pisses me off...so many deadbeats! Ughh


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## Bambers

I understand all you ladies and could hug you all. :hugs:

My first child's father (child now 20!) finished with me when he found out I was pregnant. We had been dating for 6 years - and much as I knew he was a total waster - I still got pregnant to him (I was only 19 at the time.) Anyway I spent the pregnancy in tears and was permanently stressed - he spent the nine months going through as many one night stands and bottles of beer as he possibly could. 

When I gave birth it was by emergency c-section with just my mum waiting outside.
The Ex rolled up to the hospital the day after, drunk, holding an engagement ring. (He had been wetting the baby's head :|). He said he wanted us three to be a little family, now he had got other girls and having a good time out of his system.
I accepted the ring, pleased at the thought of us being a family and the promise he had changed his ways.

We lasted eight months before I dumped him. He hadn't changed - he still wouldn't get a job, stayed out with his friends until 2/3 am and probably still got off with other women.
However, by now I was a different girl. I had been through so much during the previous 18 months my feelings were like stone. I knew I could get by without him and how much better off I would be.
So I told him it was over and moved me and little bubs into the back bedroom at my mother's house.

When he realised I meant it, he rang me - first crying and begging to have him back and then went onto to be rude and offensive. I was a slag and a bad mother. I didn't care what he said anymore, he lost all his power and I had gained it by the bucket load. 

He showed his true self over the following 20 years - I have had around £100/$200 in money for his son in the entire time, he has been married and divorced twice, still has no job and lives in a squalid bed sit smoking weed all day. What a catch!

It took me a few years to get totally on my feet but now and for the last ten years I have had a lovely, hard working partner who goes out drinking with the "boys" once or twice a year and puts all his wages into my bank account to pay the bills. He supported me when I started my own small business and helped me buy a lovely detatched house...best of all, I am expecting my second baby and my DP is so thrilled. So different from my experience with my first FOB. DP even sold his £5000 motorbike and put the money towards our "Bubs" fund. He isn't perfect (I mean what man is? Only us girls do prefection ;) ) but he is a good man and they really do exist.

The point to my story girls is - once a man is a dreg, they will always be a dreg and you and your lovely children are better off without him. It may be painful now and I know you feel so upset for your baby because the "pig" is rejecting the thing you find most precious in the world but hey, that's his burden to deal with...you and your LO deserve better.
And I promise...in a year or twos time, you will be so glad that he walked away - you will be happier, healthier and in a better place with a better life and very likely a better man. 

Be strong! You're better than him and will get all the good things you and bubs deserves :hugs:


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## syntaxerror

Mine disappeared for the first couple months -- he's back now and excited to be a daddy but doesn't hesitate to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore/doesn't want to work on things. Makes it hard to keep smiling and let him be around.


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## purpledahlia

:hugs: 

FOB has seen her 3 times, and given me £280 in total. Shes almost 16months. His Family have never met her, And he has done nothing but lie to me since the day i met him. He isnt in the picture and wont ever be, he has had all the chances he will get, My baby isnt going to be hurt by him flitting in and out of her life, Im putting my foot down now. I dont think he will ever grow up anyway hes a complete waste of space.


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