# What kind of insensitive things were said to you?



## sunnylove

My overbearing, divorced, can't-cut-the-umbilical-cord-from-her-son mother-in-law was a terrible NICU grandparent. Just to give you some examples...

She was absolutely obsessed with his weight. Everyday she'd ask my husband what he weighed, and whenever he was almost to the next pound, for example, if he was 2lbs 15ozs, she would sigh and say "Ugh, I thought he'd be 3 pounds by now," same if he was 3lbs 15ozs, 4lbs 15ozs, etc. Even when he was 6lbs 15ozs! "Ugh, I thought he'd be 7 pounds by now!"

DS tested abnormally for a sex condition that almost all preemies test positive for because of certain proteins due to low birth weight. They rarely ever have the actual condition. When MIL heard that he tested abnormally, she said, "Does this mean when he grows up he's going to be gay?" and then mentioned her brother, who recently got a sex change to become a woman and said, "I wonder if that's what my brother has?" My son, of course, ended up testing negative for it.

She was talking to my DS in NICU and said "You're going to come over to Grandma's and tell her how awful mommy and daddy are to you!" He wasn't even home yet.

She had said that one of my son's nostrils is going to be bigger than the other because of the feeding tube that *I* made him wear, and that when he's a teenager he's going to blame me because of his "deformed" nostrils. 

She said "If he had been born on time he probably would have been 9 pounds." Not something you say to a mom who gave birth to a 2 pounder.

Do you ladies have any stories like these?


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## TheNewMrsB

The one I have had twice - once to my face and once when I was absent was 'arent you/ bet she is glad he wasn't 8+lbs, now that is painful'

Yes I am so glad my son came 5 weeks early, spent 2 weeks in hospital and I had to go through an inducted Labour stuck on my side with them loosing his heartbeat all so I didn't have to birth an 8lb baby!!

Your MIL sounds like a real peach though


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## vermeil

I actually searched through my old posts to find this one. Ok so when people say you're lucky you missed out on the yucky parts of pregnancy they`re not being intrinsically mean. BUT it`s still quite insensitive. I would have given my two arms for my son to reach even 30 weeks.

I remember someone telling me at the grocery store 'oh you`re so lucky your pregnancy was brief and you didn`t get too big!' I replied casually 'yeah, so glad I missed those last 3 months, and all my son has is brain damage, paralysis on one side and partial blindness! Was SO worth it!'

aaaah... the look on her face... I discovered that day I have a mean streak

ps update my son was diagnosed with a brain bleed and partial paralysis. After a year of intensive therapy all signs of paralysis have disapeared. He`s a bright, happy three year old. so HA =p


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## AP

https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/p...ings-you-should-never-say-mother-preemie.html

Yep... your jaw will no doubt drop


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## jandksmommy

Our little one came so early (23 weeks) that the neonatal team gave us her odds of survival and severe developmental and health issues then made us decide if we wanted them to try and save her (not a fun conversation while in heavy labor). Anyways, the worst thing ever said to me was this... "I'm not sure you made the right decision, it might have been kinder to everyone if you had let her go"... During her 1st few months, watching her struggle and suffer, I sometimes wonder that myself but for some one to actually say it to me!!!


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## ihave5boys

My 33 weeker was 4 12. I had people tell me, i hope my baby is that small. Them knowing he was a preemie. I said i would have rather had a healthy 8 pounder who didnt have to stay in the hospital and was oerfectly heathy to come home with me, that shut them up.

But later did have a couple 8 lbers and a 9 lber he was stuck in nicu for gettung stuck.

Vicki


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## SjandPeanut

My son was in NICU as he had group be strep septicaemia. I was told:

What's a big lump of a baby like that being with all the sick babies.

Two weeks of sleep you lucky thing. Most new mums would kill to have their babies looked after for the 1st two weeks 

You're lucky. The 1st two weeks are the hardest and you got to sleep.

Oh so you passed him the infection? Do you feel guilty when you think he nearly died?

To my son ' your bad mummy is a liability making you sick like that'

Will this baby be sick as well or can they give you a good scrub to stop the infection being passed...

Have you thought about ways you can make sure you don't infect this baby?

All or these can from my OHs family members...


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## maybenumber3

jandksmommy said:


> Our little one came so early (23 weeks) that the neonatal team gave us her odds of survival and severe developmental and health issues then made us decide if we wanted them to try and save her (not a fun conversation while in heavy labor). Anyways, the worst thing ever said to me was this... "I'm not sure you made the right decision, it might have been kinder to everyone if you had let her go"... During her 1st few months, watching her struggle and suffer, I sometimes wonder that myself but for some one to actually say it to me!!!

I was told pretty much the same exact thing...my Dr even recommended at 20 weeks to get a medical abortion.....some of my family even refused to acknowledge he was even born till after his first birthday....he's 4 1/2 now a very bright little boy :) he has hearing aids but other wise healthy


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## Princesa7

Granted my son is 13yrs now but he was born at 29.5weeks 3lbs 4oz had to be intubated due to his lungs and had to spend a month in the NICU....I used to get sooooo ticked off when ppl would say "well atleast you get to be home for a month and get rest/sleep/relax" I'd be like no I'm at the hospital daily til midnight seeing my baby as much as I can and when I'm not there I'm home stressing,unhappy w/out my child and constantly calling to check on him!


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## sunnylove

One thing that always bugged me was when people referred to my baby as being sick. Like, I understood to some extent he was "sick," but not really. When my brother was in the ICU due to a car accident, you wouldn't say he was "sick." My son had no issues with his lungs, brain bleeds, PDA or anything. He was just tiny.


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## Princesa7

sunnylove said:


> One thing that always bugged me was when people referred to my baby as being sick. Like, I understood to some extent he was "sick," but not really. When my brother was in the ICU due to a car accident, you wouldn't say he was "sick." My son had no issues with his lungs, brain bleeds, PDA or anything. He was just tiny.

Oh yeah my grandma was big on saying that,it drove me nuts!! Plus she'd tell people that my son was sick,I remember telling her to quit saying that to ppl when they would ask her about him,I'm like he's just little and has a minor breathing issue (wich he was only intubated for 2days) and just needs to keep his temps up and gain weight!!


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## Reba

"Oh you lucked out and didn't have to go through the last few weeks of pregnancy which are SO uncomfortable"
(OMG I was really enjoying being pregnant after 2 years of trying I actually mourned the loss of my pregnancy)

"Oh aren't you glad she came early? She would have been HUGE!"

"It must have been such an easy labour because she was so small"


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## sunnylove

I have seen on Facebook, at least three pregnant people in the last couple months complain about their pain and wishing they delivered early!!! One even said "I hope I have this baby several weeks early because I cannot deal with this pain!" OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.


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## vermeil

sunnylove said:


> I have seen on Facebook, at least three pregnant people in the last couple months complain about their pain and wishing they delivered early!!! One even said "I hope I have this baby several weeks early because I cannot deal with this pain!" OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

bleh. I'm 32 weeks along with number 2. I try to avoid the third trimester forum. The majority of posts there are ladies complaining. I know they`re just venting, I know they are actually happy to be pregnant. I have insomnia too, heartburn etc. But it does bug me. I would have given anything to reach 30 weeks.

In one thread I tried to sound encouraging and said 'I'm actually happy to have made it this far!' and people said I was guilt tripping them, I had no right to put them down like that, I was condescending etc etc. whoah. So now I just avoid all such discussions :shrug:


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## Princesa7

vermeil said:


> sunnylove said:
> 
> 
> I have seen on Facebook, at least three pregnant people in the last couple months complain about their pain and wishing they delivered early!!! One even said "I hope I have this baby several weeks early because I cannot deal with this pain!" OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
> 
> bleh. I'm 32 weeks along with number 2. I try to avoid the third trimester forum. The majority of posts there are ladies complaining. I know they`re just venting, I know they are actually happy to be pregnant. I have insomnia too, heartburn etc. But it does bug me. I would have given anything to reach 30 weeks.
> 
> In one thread I tried to sound encouraging and said 'I'm actually happy to have made it this far!' and people said I was guilt tripping them, I had no right to put them down like that, I was condescending etc etc. whoah. So now I just avoid all such discussions :shrug:Click to expand...

Wow ppl be tripping out,thats so rude! I know after my 1st being 2mo early and then having my 2nd 10yrs later I made it to 35weeks wich I was soooo happy and grateful for...even tho I ened up with gestational diabetes,horrible swollen feet and more weight gain I was happy not to have my 2nd be in the NICU and I would be willing to go thru even more the 3rd time around!


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## sunnylove

Exactly. I would have given my right arm to carry my baby to term. People just don't get it...


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## vermeil

sunnylove said:


> Exactly. I would have given my right arm to carry my baby to term. People just don't get it...

Exactly!! I thought the same thing. It`s been 3 years and ladies complaining of being uncomfortable, or that the birth wasn`t picture perfect still bug me. I try to be zen about it but mostly just avoid them altogether else I think I'd smack someone :haha:


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## sunnylove

It's ridiculous!! We also had a TON of people tell us "You're exhausted now? Ugh, just wait until he gets home. All he's going to do is scream." At a time like this, this is what you choose to say to us? My husband had a co-worker who was, almost everyday, telling him how everything would change when baby got home (and not necessarily for the better), and basically saying how we are lucky we didn't have to take care of him yet. Like, do you not realize how I would kill to have him home and screaming his head off, than in the hospital?! 

Truth is, we are much more relaxed, way less stressed, and not nearly as exhausted now that he's home!!


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## Feathers

My parents were the worst actually. We nearly fell out because they insisted on sitting at the hospital all day despite the 2 visitors rule being quite strict (understandable given space/ illness in the unit) and then berated me for not sitting with them all day because I didn't understand their needs. Not that I didn't visit with them but they wanted to be there for the entire day with her. My poor OH!
Also when we had trouble breast feeding (DD was fed through a tube and then could not suck or latch so we ended up teaching her to feed with a bottle) my Mum pointed out several times how she would never have considered ruining her child by bottle feeding them and how I'd just quit on her. Despite the fact we actually did it on medical advice.
Comments (like the above) about how nice it must be to recover without having to look after your child (actually I'd far rather she had been home thank you). 
Also I had many accusations from my parents that we were letting the medical staff there neglect her and harm her by not treating her (again rubbish, the staff were fantastic and her care was seriously amazing). 
All in all they made a horrid situation a thousand times worse and I'm still bitter about it now. All they cared about was their feelings. Not about how my OH and I felt with a child sick and unable to come home. Not about how we couldn't hold her for a while because of infection risk and breathing problems. But that their perfect grandchild experience they had dreamed of was ruined. Sorry. I still get angry about it.


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## ttc126

I got those comments too! "Oh its nice at least you get to sleep and recover!"

Umm no. I was sleeping in the parking lot of the hospital so I could see my son and be available if the nurses called and we lived too far to go back and forth multiple times a day. Soooo restful when you're passing baseball sized clots in various hospital bathrooms and can't even get a shower because you'll miss a procedure or a visit with a specialist etc. Soooo glad I got to do that!

The other comment I get is "wow you're lucky you missed the last month of pregnancy! You didn't have to gain as much weight!"

I would rather gain 100lbs than have a baby in the nicu.


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## wantabean2

My son was born at 38weeks and we got told there was only the smallest chance he would make it through the night. I ran to find the bounty photographer woman as I wanted a professional photo done of him. She done pics in the unit all the time. When I asked her reply was that I had to "wait and see if he made it first" what????!!! On our rooming in after he was out the unit I had a student midwife start going balisitc at me as my son had a dummy. Calling me a horrendous mum etc. I informed her that the nnicu had given him a dummy to help with his suck and swallow reflex. She just stared and the said "that's alright then".
My youngest who was premature got "aww he's not even that small, he doesn't look premature" from someone the day he was born. Emm..... A simple congrats should have been fine cheers. 

Some people are just clueless :/ 

Xxx


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## muffingirl

My mil did impressions of my baby girls cries as the doctors tried to insert yet another needle into her tiny veins, saying 'oh she's so quiet'. Could've tipped me over the edge!


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## sunnylove

This has to take the cake for me! At lunch with dh's family I was talking about how DH and I went skiing when I was about 3 months pregnant. I stayed on the bunny hill and didn't ski for very long. Then my MIL said "I bet now after know what happened, you wouldn't have done that." Nice. Thanks.


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## Meli_H

Hi ladies! 

I have a few that haven't been mentioned yet.

first, when diagnosed with incompetent cervix and PROM 22+3, my ob gyn said "don't worry. U can try again and we will do a cerclage". Wtf?? I DON'T CARE about another future baby. I care about this one I carrying right now!! Please let's concentrate on saving this one!

My mil telling me, and telling DH to also tell me to "stay strong and don't cry at his bedside" wtf?? I just had a baby, my hormones are all over, that's enough to make one cry, not to mention my baby is FIGHTING for his life! Seriously. ., not to mention SHE would cry at his bedside for the longest time. Hypocrite!

oh yah, mil and Sil also complained to DH that I "didn't seem to be in a mood to talk or visit" when they came to NICU to meet baby. Umm, u are correct. Forgive me for not being a wonderful hostess while my baby is fighting for his life, and everyday we get horrible news about his increasingly worse condition (during the first 5 weeks of NICU)

Wow...I feel better now having vented


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## sunnylove

Meli, I can totally relate. Ugh. My MIL always complained to my husband that whenever she visited I didn't talk much. Really? Maybe it's because of your stupid, ignorant, asinine comments or the fact that I'm going through something you don't understand in the slightest. My DH always told her "Mom, you are not going to win that argument." She always complained about not feeling "welcomed" when she visited LO in the NICU. Really?! NO ONE SHOULD BE WELCOMED INTO A NICU. It's a place no one should have to go to!!!


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## Meli_H

Sunny, 

Thank goodness DH shut both his sister and his mom down REAL quick. He told them "it's not about anyone except Xzavier. Get over it or else just don't come visit. We don't need the drama". 
They sulked for a few days then came back and haven't tried to pull that stunt again :winkwink:


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## Jes.shortcake

While my son was in the NICU I had to return to work till he came home and one of my co workers was like..."I told you pregnant women can't eat that much salt" excuse me? What the hell does HELLP Syndrome have to do with salt? Not only that, but I mostly had salads for lunch when I was pregnant (bc that's just what I wanted all the time) so exactly what salt are you referring to? 

My son was in the NICU passed his due date and I kept having to hear people ask why he's still in there and since he's over 5 lbs he should come home. Let the doctors do their job and don't make comments about something you don't understand. He had several complications and set backs.

My mil was just annoying. She would be at the NICU saying things like 'did u talk to the doctor about this or that', 'hold his head'(seriously lady? Lol), 'put his diaper cream on' when changing him (he developed a bad diaper rash bc he was pooping allll day due to a cow milk protein allergy he developed). I'm already on edge so please just be quiet lol. Quit hovering and just come visit and fuss over how cute he is like a normal grandma. I remember one friday we met them at the hospital and it was a long week for me and my husband. We weren't in a good mood and just wanted to see our son and his mom was just talking and talking and I guess we weren't chipper enough for her bc she got all pissy and was like 'why aren't y'all talking much to me'...Lady, I'm visiting my son in the NICU..I don't want to talk to anyone right now.


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## Jes.shortcake

Also we would get excited when he smiled and she would say every time 'he's not smiling that's just gas'. Can we just pretend he's smiling because he knows mommy and daddy are here and enjoy our moment? Seriously


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## Meli_H

Jes, 

your coworker and especially your mother in law sound like real jerks. Sorry. Hopefully ur relationship withur mil is back to normal?


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## Jes.shortcake

Well now she tries to tell us how to take care of him at home. I told my husband that this needs to stop because if I end up saying something it won't be pretty.


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## Meli_H

Jes, 

How annoying that u still have to hold your tongue!


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## JJKCB

the most hurtful one for me was from the midwife who wrote in my notes:

'mother uninterested, not interacticting with child or feeding child - likely abandonment'

it was later removed from my records but it drove me mad (never been so angry and upset at the same time)

I didnt hold my DS at birth because he was still born and revived and I hemorrhaged badly (had 6 emergency blood transfusions and blacked out) sorry if my unconsciousness seemed like lack of interest but I was busy dieing, also feeding refereed to breastfeeding which I physically couldn't do as my milk didn't come in until a week later... as for abandoned my son was NEVER away from me, he was the only child that never spent any time in the nursery at all and I did everything bathing, changing, bottle feeding 

when I tried to contest it they originally said 'postnatal depression' and tried to make me look mad until I proved my son never left my side

they also commented multiple times on how unprepared we where... sorry we thought I had a month left so when my waters (well jelly actually) violently exploded out of me and the hospital was 40 mins away though a blizzard I didn't think ill just pop to the shop and buy nappies ffs


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## JJKCB

Jes.shortcake said:


> Also we would get excited when he smiled and she would say every time 'he's not smiling that's just gas'. Can we just pretend he's smiling because he knows mommy and daddy are here and enjoy our moment? Seriously

I hated that too... just let us be happy


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## Meli_H

JJKCB,

Wow...those midwives were ridiculous! !


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## JJKCB

Meli_H said:


> JJKCB,
> 
> Wow...those midwives were ridiculous! !

unfortunately I dont think im a one off either... Ive met others with the exact same stories of the exact same midwifes (we even compared red books)

I though the maternity ward was empty due to the blizzard (only 4 people in 1 week) but apparently no one will go there anymore and I dont blame them... I wont go back


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## Foxybabyhg3

This is a screen shot of one of my friends comments and my response on my Facebook announcement. I was actually very restrained. I wanted to cap lock her to death!
 



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## Meli_H

Foxybabyhg3 said:


> This is a screen shot of one of my friends comments and my response on my Facebook announcement. I was actually very restrained. I wanted to cap lock her to death!

Some people are SOOO CLUELESS! !


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## 3xscharmer

I got asked by MIL if the doctors knew if they were going to make it yet and she asked every day for the first couple of weeks....ummm, thanks for pointing out my children might not live, really needed all that positivity. I also currently get asked "when will you know if they're normal"...really ppl! If I'm in a bad mood, I'll ask them to define normal, if I'm in a good mood I'll tell them that it can take 2 years to diagnose any conditions they may or may not have. I mean seriously, who does that? I don't walk up to random ppl or ppl I know and ask them if their children have any sort of developmental delays!


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## JJKCB

3xscharmer said:


> I got asked by MIL if the doctors knew if they were going to make it yet and she asked every day for the first couple of weeks....ummm, thanks for pointing out my children might not live, really needed all that positivity. I also currently get asked "when will you know if they're normal"...really ppl! If I'm in a bad mood, I'll ask them to define normal, if I'm in a good mood I'll tell them that it can take 2 years to diagnose any conditions they may or may not have. I mean seriously, who does that? I don't walk up to random ppl or ppl I know and ask them if their children have any sort of developmental delays!

normal??? 
whats normal? 

I was over a week overdue when I was born and I have developmental problems which before years of therapy where classified as severe (which wasn't discovered until I was 9 years old) and my cousin who was also full term was diagnosed with the same condition at 7 years old and my uni friend who was born at 26 weeks also has the same condition... 

where as developmental problems are increased in preemies its just as easy to have them full term and its perfectly 'normal' and can be pretty common really, tell them where to shove it they clearly have no idea lol


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## MommyGrim

Foxybabyhg3 said:


> This is a screen shot of one of my friends comments and my response on my Facebook announcement. I was actually very restrained. I wanted to cap lock her to death!

I had my baby shower at 32w (I had the twins 2 weeks later) and one of my friends made the comment that SHE wanted my babies to come early so she could meet them:wacko: I was also stressing out since I kept feeling like they were going to come soon and that definitely didn't help. I just said "Well, I would like them to keep cooking for A LOT longer!" :nope: Took everything I had not to scream at her! 
Her youngest brother was a 26-weeker, so I would think she would understand not wanting a baby born early!


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## Foogirl

My MIL was having a few problems of her own when LO was born. FIL was in a care home and of course things were tough for her. But She actually said to Mr Foo that she knew what he was going through, because she had to visit FIL every day and it was really restricting on your time. She also said to me "I hope you realise, I just don't need all this drama in my life at the moment"

Yeah, sorry if me and my daughter nearly dying has spoiled your day, like.


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## kirstybumx3

Foogirl said:


> My MIL was having a few problems of her own when LO was born. FIL was in a care home and of course things were tough for her. But She actually said to Mr Foo that she knew what he was going through, because she had to visit FIL every day and it was really restricting on your time. She also said to me "I hope you realise, I just don't need all this drama in my life at the moment"
> 
> Yeah, sorry if me and my daughter nearly dying has spoiled your day, like.

That's awful!
People are so clueless!


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## TMonster

I know my case is different since I didn't have a preemie but Zoe has a severe congenital heart defect. People kept telling me she looks so normal. It drove me nuts. She IS normal, she just has a problem that needs correcting. I still get it now 3 months later every time MIL comes to see her she tells everyone who will listen how normal she looks and how no one could tell she is so messed up.


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