# Broken



## Angelica

I lost my baby at 16+2 weeks on the 18th Nov & am finding it hard to deal with. 

I had bleeding/spotting since my 12 week scan, in various colours, shades and flow. I had many scans which all showed that the baby was fine and doing well. 
However on the 14th Nov I woke up at midnight and realised I was drenched and ran to the toilet, there I bled loads more and passed clots etc. 

I went to a&e where they admitted me and said that my cervix was slightly open and it was a threatened miscarriage. I was so upset at this point and didn't know what to do. 
Anyway they kept me in hospital and said they wanted to observe me & couldn't send me home incase i miscarried and lost alot of blood. 

During my stay at hospital they scanned me many times using the portable scanner and the baby was showing a heartbeat at all times. 

I had another heavy bleed and bad cramping/contractions on 16th Nov and was sure I lost the baby but sure enough the portable scanner showed a heartbeat. 

The following day I was finally taken for a proper ultrasound. Myself & my husband had such high hopes, we thought this Dr would be able to tell us why I have been bleeding for so long. 

But unfortunately after scanning for less than 30secs she turned around to me & told me that I was miscarrying and the baby was now in my cervix!! These words and that moment keep playing in my mind :(

I was then taken to a special room where I gave birth to my baby on the 18th at 08:05
This is the hardest thing that I have done and now I am dreading the cremation that we have to arrange for my baby once the postmortem results are here.

I have a few questions- 

From what I have told you above, does anyone have any ideas as to why I may have miscarried? I keep thinking about it but nothing makes sense. 

And any ideas on how to cope with the cremation? I just think whatever progress we are making now to deal with this is going to be hindered when we have the funeral to deal with this. But we cant do it yet until the postmortem is done.


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## LoraLoo

I'm so sorry for your loss. My circumstances are a little different as ive experienced losing a child at 5 days old, 2 second tri losses (18 and 15 weeks) and 3 mc.

However, I didn't bleed or go into labour with my second tri losses, we found out through scans that they had died and i had to be induced. There can be so many causes but quite often a pm finds no reason so you need to be prepared for this. With my little girl she had a hypercoiled cord and my placenta had detached, but we never got a reason for my Son. It can be so many things from an incompetent cervix, to infection or chromosome issue. I really hope you get sone answers and that the coming weeks are gentle x


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## Angelica

Thank you. I really hope I get some answers too otherwise it will make it more difficult to accept/deal with it. 

I am sorry for your losses too x


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## Bevziibubble

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's heartbreaking. :cry: Thinking of you :hugs::hugs:


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## Juliet11

I am just so saddened hearing this. I want to send you lots of hugs and prayers of comfort during this time. 
Will be thinking of you.


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## karoolia

I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you some answers. Unfortunately I don't have any. Just wanted to send some love and support.


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## loves_cookies

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby boy 39 minutes after delivering him at 19+4 on 8th November. I didn't experience the bleeding you did, the first indication we had that anything was wrong was when I woke in the morning to find my waters had gone overnight. I went straight to the hospital and I was already 4cm dilated. I was already too far gone for them to be able to give me anything to stop labour and Alexander was born at 9:36 that night. 

There could be a number of reasons, I hope you're able to get the answers you crave. We're looking at a possible incompetent cervix, but I also had an infection which needed treating with strong antibiotics. My placenta appeared to be clotted and possibly partially abrupted. I also suffered a PPH. As there were so many problems with me and Alexander was born alive (something neither of my midwives had experienced at my gestation) we decided not to have a post mortem. I've also requested my notes from my molar pregnancy MMC earlier in the year as my care from the hospital during the management of that loss was substandard at best. Having carried a baby to term previously with no signs of cervix problems, if my cervix has become incompetent I feel they're to blame (although I'll never be able to prove it).

I don't really have any advice on how to cope with cremation, grief is such a personal thing. Alexander was cremated on Tuesday, like you it was something I really didn't want to do, but tried to look at it as the process we needed to go through in order to bring him home. In the end we decided to have a proper service with our parents and siblings present to say a proper goodbye to him so we picked poems and songs to represent our feelings.

I don't think the cremation has made things better or worse, the pain is the same. All I can say is take your time, don't rush. There is no set time to work through this don't work to other peoples schedule. People are clumsy and don't understand. Could you get yourself referred for some counselling maybe?


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## HollyDaisy

I am so sorry for your loss! Please know my prayers are with you. Have you experienced any other kind of female issues besides pregnancy loss? There could be so many things going on OR it could be nothing. I would encourage you to talk to your doctor and see if they can run some tests. Prayers your way!!


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## Angelica

love_cookies I am awfully sorry for your loss too. 
I hope you also get the answers that u need to move on. 
Do you have your 12 week appointment yet from hospital?

With me, I am simply so confused!! 
Although my bleeding went on for a month, the baby was doing well in all the scans. 
I miscarried on 18th Nov and the ultrasound I had on the monday (13th) was absolutely fine and I had an internal check that day too so obviously my cervix was closed- could it have opened up that quick? as on the morning of 15th they said cervix was slightly open. 

And if its something like placental abruption (which one of the consultants said she thinks it may be) then wouldn't something have showed up on the ultrasound of the 13th? Could this have happened so quick?
I have had 2 normal pregnancies so dont know why this went so wrong- I was 29 and 33 at the time though, so maybe age was not on my side this time :(

















loves_cookies said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby boy 39 minutes after delivering him at 19+4 on 8th November. I didn't experience the bleeding you did, the first indication we had that anything was wrong was when I woke in the morning to find my waters had gone overnight. I went straight to the hospital and I was already 4cm dilated. I was already too far gone for them to be able to give me anything to stop labour and Alexander was born at 9:36 that night.
> 
> There could be a number of reasons, I hope you're able to get the answers you crave. We're looking at a possible incompetent cervix, but I also had an infection which needed treating with strong antibiotics. My placenta appeared to be clotted and possibly partially abrupted. I also suffered a PPH. As there were so many problems with me and Alexander was born alive (something neither of my midwives had experienced at my gestation) we decided not to have a post mortem. I've also requested my notes from my molar pregnancy MMC earlier in the year as my care from the hospital during the management of that loss was substandard at best. Having carried a baby to term previously with no signs of cervix problems, if my cervix has become incompetent I feel they're to blame (although I'll never be able to prove it).
> 
> I don't really have any advice on how to cope with cremation, grief is such a personal thing. Alexander was cremated on Tuesday, like you it was something I really didn't want to do, but tried to look at it as the process we needed to go through in order to bring him home. In the end we decided to have a proper service with our parents and siblings present to say a proper goodbye to him so we picked poems and songs to represent our feelings.
> 
> I don't think the cremation has made things better or worse, the pain is the same. All I can say is take your time, don't rush. There is no set time to work through this don't work to other peoples schedule. People are clumsy and don't understand. Could you get yourself referred for some counselling maybe?


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## Angelica

No I am otherwise fairly normal & healthy and have 2 children already which I carried to full term. 

I am waiting for my 12 week appointment, which will probably be in Feb now. 
This is when they will discuss all results/reports with us including the postmortem :(









HollyDaisy said:


> I am so sorry for your loss! Please know my prayers are with you. Have you experienced any other kind of female issues besides pregnancy loss? There could be so many things going on OR it could be nothing. I would encourage you to talk to your doctor and see if they can run some tests. Prayers your way!!


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## LoraLoo

You could have a partial eruption like what I had. All scans had been fine and i heard her heartbeat the day before. It's just so hard to say as there could be so many reasons why x


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## LilFooshFoosh

I'm sorry for your loss Angelica. :hugs:

With mine, I didn't have bleeding but, similar to your case, I just woke up in labour one morning. The doctor thought it was IC so he put in a stitch and I was admitted for the night. When I was being discharged the next day with "a clean bill of health" I was told to just take it easy. The nurse took out my IV and I rolled in the bed a little bit to start putting my clothes on and my water broke. My baby was born a few hours later.

In our case it was Chorioamnionitis, which is an infection of the amniotic fluid, sac, and/or placenta, the baby may also become infected. I had been tested for infection but they all came back negative. When they did the postmortem they found signs of chronic inflammation on the sac and placenta though, which indicates that is where the infection was located and had been for some time. 

I also struggled with the loss and cried until my face was literally raw from being constantly soaked in salty tears. DH and I handled things a little differently but managed to support and respect each others needs. For me, I wanted to be alone and cry. I put together a box of mementos that included the US pics, a candle (that we light every year on LO's birthday), a onsie, the pages of the baby book I'd started and book etc. After a week I needed to get back into my normal routine. DH wanted to have his family around to help keep everything around the house going. 

I hope that you have a healthy way to mourn and that you have tons of love and support to get through this. :hugs:


<continued in spoiler but pg & kids mentioned>

Spoiler
We had an older child which impacted how we were able to mourn our loss. He was 3, we let him see that we were upset and he participated in the candle lighting, as well as putting the memory box together. But we also recognized that we had to keep going for his sake, so we tried to keep to our regular routine when he wasn't at daycare.

I went on to get a BFP 3 months later. That pregnancy was heavily monitored by a MFM specialist. I don't think I could have mentally handled it if I wasn't reassured on a weekly basis that everything was going well. At 35 weeks we found the cord was wrapped around her neck and that was why she wasn't descending, I was told it was common and unlikely to be a problem- she would probably untangle herself. I lost it- I didn't make it this far to have something happen in the home stretch!- and was at the hospital every other day until 37 weeks when they took her out by C-section. She came out with the cord so tightly wrapped around her neck (twice) that they had to put her back in to try to unwind it as there wasn't enough length to take her all the way out without causing her damage. She was entirely purple. I'm sure that if it hadn't been for my previous loss I would have just accepted that she would have been fine, waited and then been devastated when she wasn't. She is fine now.

It gives me comfort to think my lost baby helped me have my daughter. Like he is protecting us.


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