# Being judged because I want a natural birth :(



## Shadowy Lady

I sill have some time to go before my due date of August 28th, but I have decided that I want to give birth naturally, at a hospital, with my two midwives and my husband present.

I suppose not getting an epidural or pain relief is not very common where I live (in Ottawa, Canada). So everytime the topic of birth comes up and I tell ppl what my plans are, they're extremely discouraging :( Most tell me that I'll change my mind when I'm there or just flat out don't believe me. It's even worse with my friends' husbands. I mean these are men who obv never gave birth and never will yet judge me anyway. They tell me I won't be given a medal for going through the pain.

I'm not going the natural route to receive a medal :/ I've done my research and believe this is what's best for me and baby. None of my friends who just went with the flow and got the epiural did that. None even knew the risks and didn't want to know.

I guess I'm just venting here. Have you been through the same scenario? What do you tell these ppl?


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## Dreamermama

Not getting a medal?? Hello! It's a great achievement to give birth naturally, to fight through the pain without unnecessary and potentially harmfull drugs.
You can tell them the medal will be how proud you will be of yourself for doing, or even just attempting to do what alot of people are too scared to do. Also your baby has the potential of being healthier and your birth will probably have less complications without drugs.
or next time a clueless man makes a comment like that, you can tell him "no uterus, no opinion!" hahaha 
I've had ppl tell me that as well "oh when it comes to it you'll be screaming for the epidural"
they can shove it, even if I really want pain relief, doesn't mean I'll choose it!
When it comes down to it, your birth has nothing to do with other people and their judgements, and everything to do with you and your baby and what you're comfortable with


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## Shadowy Lady

Thank you. I know it's only my opinion that matters and not theirs at the end of the day but it's sad to see fellow women (or even worse men), judge me on something this personal when they never even gave it a second thought. I never judged them for any of their births, it's their bodies and their babies, so their choice. 

My hubby is very supportive of my decision and my mind is made up too and that's all that matters :)


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## Lucky7s

It's really frustrating that people have such strong opinions of it. I am going through a similar situation. My sisters who both had epidurals think I'm trying to be some martyr .. and actually keep telling me the second I feel one ounce of a contraction that I will want an epidural. I keep doubting myself because I am kinda wimpy in the "Period cramps" department.. so I feel like maybe they're right. Another side of me makes me angry that they are so judgmental of me and not respect that I want to try to go as natural as possible. Overall I know it's my body and my choice, but I feel so confused sometimes.


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## Pixxie

Just stop telling them! It's nothing to do with them so just smile and nod and know you know better :) x


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## NaturalMomma

I don't get why some people are negative. Maybe they feel threatened because they chose to have pain meds and feel like those who don't are some how superior or something. Next time I would just say it's what is best for you and millions of women have done it without pain meds and there is no reason why you can't either :)


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## MrsStutler

I can't tell you how many times I was told "oh you will change your mind!" when I said I wanted a natural birth. It was annoying and very discouraging for sure. Even the nurse when I checked in for my induction asked what pain relief I would be requesting and when I said nothing she just looked at me and said "well we can always change that". 

I just started shrugging them off and saying "well I guess we will see won't we?". It helps that I am incredibly stubborn too, for every person that told me I couldn't do it I just committed to digging my heels in even more and I became determined to have a natural birth just to prove my point:haha: I did make it without the epidural but I caved to one round of IV meds at 4cm which helped get me over the hump and start dilating much faster afterwards.

You know what you want, so you should stick to it and just prove everybody wrong! I wish you luck and a smooth, easy delivery!


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## PhotoLC

It's just so ingrained in people's minds that birthing is a negative, painful and horrible experience that must be survived. That's so sad. I think that finding alternative tools to help you relax and enjoy your birth will make all the difference in the world. I'm using hypnobabies. I've had friends who are thrilled with other natural methods, too. 
Just try to wrap your head around the fact that your body is meant to do this, and it's a beautiful experience. By going into it with a positive attitude, you'll eliminate so much of the pain that stems from anxiety.

Oh, and just tell the negative Nancys that you've made your choice and while you understand their perspective, it's not the experience you want for you and your baby.

By the way, my husband is 100% supportive and thinks I'm a champ, but is the first to admit that he'd be so doped up on anything that they'd give him asap. Haha. Men are pansies when it comes to pain.


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## Shadowy Lady

thanks ladies, my DH 100% supports me as well and that's all that matters. I have actually stopped discussing this matter with ppl as I just don't feel like explaining it all to them. 

I have only one friend who delivered naturally and she has now moved to Victoria. We've been emailing though and she said she got the exact same reaction about her birth that what I'm going through. Whaty surprised me the most is the men (with no uterus....hahah) telling me that i'll change my mind.

I'm not even 100% opposed to drugs and I know the benefits of having them around. I just choose to go in with a frame of mind that I won't need them hopefully :)

Thank you for all your input and support ladies :)


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## Odd Socks

i had the same reaction first time & i did end up having pain relief.
second time round, i didn't bother telling people my birth plans because i didn't want the whole "you know how much better it was when you had pain relief, you won't want to do it any differently".
i did have a wonderful natural, pain relief free labour the second time, it was the most amazing experience ever!
xx


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## Shadowy Lady

Odd Socks said:


> i had the same reaction first time & i did end up having pain relief.
> second time round, i didn't bother telling people my birth plans because i didn't want the whole "you know how much better it was when you had pain relief, you won't want to do it any differently".
> i did have a wonderful natural, pain relief free labour the second time, it was the most amazing experience ever!
> xx

Thank you, this is the kinds of things I want to hear...positivity! I wish everyone else understood it :)


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## aliss

It's funny because I don't get that reaction anymore when I tell them what happened when I was incapable of dealing with shoulder dystocia due to an epidural. Oh, those statistics have names, don't they... huh. I think a lot of it comes down to people being ignorant of how medical interventions can cause problems. People feel SORRY for me because I am having a natural birth, pft. 

You might wish to connect with a doula and natural birthing groups in your area, there should be some in Ottawa you just have to look hard. If they exist here in MTL they gotta be in Ottawa!!!


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## Odd Socks

shadowy_lady, i found hypnobirthing (i got a cd) really helped, & i also read a great book (ina may's guide to childbirth), i'd recommend both!
xx


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## Shadowy Lady

Thanks guys. I have Ina May's book and I also will have two midwives and possibly a doula with me at birth. I'm not worried or scared of giving birth naturally. I'm just annoyed at lack of support and ignorance of general public on this topic. I'm also reading another book called A Pea in the Pod that has amazing coping with child birth techniques. The amount of information out there is pretty amazing...it's just that most ppl don't go there coz they just do what's done typically.

Odd Socks - I will be looking into getting a hypnobirthinng CD. Where did you get yours from?


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## NannyWhitney

I get the same negativity all the time, but as my mom said, "Doesn't that really make you want to do it to prove them all wrong???" And, being the stubborn pig headed person I am, it totally does! :haha:


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## Larkspur

I have had some people say amazingly ignorant things to me about my hope to have a natural birth at a birthing centre with a midwife instead of at a hospital with an epidural under the supervision of an obstetrician... including, but not limited to "Well, statistically, midwifes kill babies, you know" (not even true), "I guess you can birth wherever you want but I'd probably be dead now if I wasn't in a hospital" (sheer speculation) and the classic, "You'll be begging for an epidural after two hours". 

I could get into arguments but I guess those people have a right to their own opinions, even if I think they're under-researched or fear-based. I just laugh and say, "You may be right, I guess we'll see!" I mean, at the end of the day, anything could happen. I don't think I'll beg for an epidural, I don't expect to have any complications, and I really, really don't think either me or my baby is going to die. I'm just going to run with what I feel is right and if other people want to get their panties twisted about it, they can.


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## tjc4182

I had epidurals with both. It was a HUGE relief with my first, as I was not sure what to expect, and the epidural went great! With my second, not so lucky. It was mroe painful than ever as the student giving it did not do it right, took him 45 minutes to put it in and it never worked, so the regular dr came in and gave it to me. With #3 I plan to go all natural, worse case is I will take some IV meds and that is it. I think this is our last, so want to experience it all! Good luck...and we can do it!


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## Praying4bebe

I am also giving birth naturally at a birthing center with midwives in December. I accept that there are situations that can arise that cause a need for interventions like C-sections, etc, but having that happen when it isn't needed scares me to death. Lol. Doctors' offices and hospital scare me more than the idea of giving birth...which apparently makes me a weirdo. :dohh:

It's so strange what people tell you when they hear you have using midwives and planning for a natural birth. I had a 50 yr old male co-worker say "What???? You want to just stay home and have your kid in a tub or something???" when he overheard a conversation I was having with a friend at work. Who says that? Then I had a friend (not a close one though) who is a neo-natal nurse ask who my doctor is, I replied with "We are using a midwife clinic." She then said "Oh.....(long pause)...well, just so you know, all the women we see come in from midwives end up having to have emergency c-sections." And that was it. I was kind of stunned. She is a friend and it was just weird. I wanted to reply with something like "if a midwife is having to transfer over a woman's care, and they haven't had the baby, it would be because something is wrong or the woman wants to be transferred! Therefore they would need emergency care....which should be the only time the hospital should see them"! 

whoa! Sorry for the vent! Just been building up. I am reading a book with really good information called Preparing for a Healthy Birth by Sylvie Donna. It's thick, but reason to skim some parts and read the ones that interest you. Good luck ladies! We are powerful and can do this! It's natural and normal.:hugs:


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## aliss

Praying4bebe said:


> Who says that? Then I had a friend (not a close one though) who is a neo-natal nurse ask who my doctor is, I replied with "We are using a midwife clinic." She then said "Oh.....(long pause)...well, just so you know, all the women we see come in from midwives end up having to have emergency c-sections."

Brilliant logic from that one, why would a midwife transfer a woman who doesn't need medical intervention from a hospital :shrug:


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## Shadowy Lady

srsly ladies I'm so glad I'm not alone in hearing all these comments. I must say I have gotten much better at answering to them though, lol!

I mentioned in a different thread (US vs UK delivery), that here in Ottawa there seems to be a shift back toward natural birthing which I'm definitly glad to see. Apparently now in Ontario 40% of women who want midwives can't get them coz the demand has gone up quite a bit. I would have gone with a normal hospital/OBGYN setting if I hadn't done research and wasn't motivated by a few close friends who had chosen midwifery care. But I did my homework and this is the path I have chosen :)

I'm pretty open minded about labour though. I do understand that thing can go wrong and if they do, I want to do everything to have a happy and healthyh baby (interventions only if needed).


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## LauraReadDora

Don't some people in Canada just get midwives to assist with the pregnancy process? Do they all actually want homebirths?


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## Shadowy Lady

LauraReadDora said:


> Don't some people in Canada just get midwives to assist with the pregnancy process? Do they all actually want homebirths?

Well, in Canada it depends which province you're in as our health care system is provincial based. Here in Ontario for example, you can have either midwives or OBGYN but not both. However, the midwife is always backed up by and OBGYN in case of complications. I will have two midwives at birth and I get the follow up 6 weeks (post birth) visits too which is awesome! Midwifery care (and OBGYN care) are both fully funded by the government of Ontario.

No, not everyone with a midwife wants them to give birth at home. My own prefenernce is still to give birth at a hospital. I will be going to a hospital where my midwife has priviledges and so I can have a natural birth but be in a hospital. In my opnion this is the best of both worlds as I would feel totally safe and confident and I know that my midwife supports my birth philosophy. A couple of my friends have used midwives at the exact same hospital for birth and they whole heartedly recommended it to me :)

In Ontario at least, only 1 out of 5 women under miwives give birth at home.


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## aliss

I had a meeting with my doula today and she said out of 62 births she's attended, only 2 of them have been at home, so even women here in Canada who choose midwives and doula services choose hospital births or birthing centres, not home. Same for my midwife, I am only her 3rd home birth client as the vast majority choose hospital (as the birthing centre isn't open for a few weeks, it's brand new)


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## lemongrass

Shadowy Lady said:


> thanks ladies, my DH 100% supports me as well and that's all that matters. I have actually stopped discussing this matter with ppl as I just don't feel like explaining it all to them.
> 
> I have only one friend who delivered naturally and she has now moved to Victoria. We've been emailing though and she said she got the exact same reaction about her birth that what I'm going through. Whaty surprised me the most is the men (with no uterus....hahah) telling me that i'll change my mind.
> 
> I'm not even 100% opposed to drugs and I know the benefits of having them around. I just choose to go in with a frame of mind that I won't need them hopefully :)
> 
> Thank you for all your input and support ladies :)

I live in Victoria and I just found out that it has the HIGHEST c-section rate in ALL of Canada! That scares the crap out of me and just reinforces my decision to have a natural birth with a midwife.


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