# I don't want my MIL to babysit!



## devon_91x

My OH asked if we could go out for dinner on Thursday evening and leave Darcey with his mum. I told him "maybe" but in my head it is a definate NO. To start with she is only 7 weeks so i don't want to leave her yet just so we can go for dinner. And the thought of his mum babysitting just worries me. I don't know why because she has never done anything to Darcey, but i just don't want her to babysit. My mum has only ever watched her once for a few hours whilst i popped out, and although i hated being apart from her, it didn't bother me too much. I know that my problem is with my MIL because i just can't stand her, but at the end of the day, she is MY baby. I carried her for 9 months, i gave birth to her, i look after her 24/7, so surely if i dont feel comfortable with this then thats my choice?

I just know my OH is going to be annoyed because in November it's my best friends 21st and im going up to see him overnight. I would rather my OH watched her but in all honesty, he just cant cope with her on his own. I went to dinner with my friends the other week and was gone for 3 hours. When i come home she was screaming and he looked like he was about to have a breakdown. So ive told my mum she can watch her overnight and told OH to just have a night off or see his friends. I know it dosn't seem fair that my mum can babysit and my MIL can't, but tbh i just don't feel bad about this because i just think "my baby, my rules". But should i feel bad? :shrug:

I know its wrong to feel this way, but sometimes i just think because im her mum im her "main" parent. I mean i always let OH make decisions etc and of course i know he has as much right as i do, but sometimes i just feel as tho what i say should go. Does anyone else ever feel like this?


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## Larkspur

As the mother of a baby boy, it does make me rather sad to think that one day my son's partner might treat me as a secondary grandparent just because I'm not her own mum.

If there is no particular reason that you feel unsafe about your MIL having LO (ie, she openly disregards your rules for LO, she has an unhealthy home environment, etc) then it may be a bit unfair that you treat her differently to your mum. After all, she managed to raise your OH, right? 

I can understand you not wanting to leave your LO at seven weeks but if you'd be prepared to leave her with your own mum, maybe consider cutting your MIL a break. It's her grandchild too, she would probably love to care for her.


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## whit.

Honestly, if I were your OH I *would* be quite annoyed especially since you've gone out without your baby already and he just wants to take you to dinner. 

What if he said "his baby, his choice" because you both share the same rights, your LO is just as much his to make decisions with. :shrug:

I say if your MIL hasn't ever given you a reason not to trust her then to let her babysit and have a nice dinner with your OH.


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## FarfromHome

I understand where you're coming from, as I'm in a kind of similar situation. I do love my mother in law and we get along fine, but for some reason I have anxiety about her watching my daughter ( who's just a little bit older than yours =) ) . I actually posted a thread on here awhile back about how I wasn't sure why I felt the way I did but I was just anxious about MIL watching her. 

I know our feelings can be powerful but sometimes they don't have any real meaning or reason behind them. I had to take a step back from the situation and *REALLY* think about why I was anxious about her watching my DD. To be honest, I couldn't really think of any real reason at all. I know she'll be taken care of and even if my MIL doesn't do something exactly the way I do it, it's just one night. My MIL is flying out to visit soon and DH and I will let her watch our DD so we can go out one night. 

Now, if you're genuinely worried about the care of your daughter under your MILs watch, then that's a totally different story. But, for whatever it's worth, I would encourage you to enjoy a night of free babysitting. It's so important to keep connected with your OH ( a lesson I learned the hard way =/ ) so I say go out and enjoy each other!


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## 2ndtimeluckyX

I know exactly how you feel, and at just 7 weeks old who could blame you! I felt EXACTLY the same. Now at 11 months I'm perfectly happy for either parents to babysit and in time you will too. Of course you are going to feel more confident leaving her with your own mother. Yes it's a bit unfair from your MIL point of view but you can't help how you feel. Your baby is still so new, don't feel bad about it :)


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## mummytasha18

I was like you! but then i had no other choice but to let my mil look after lo as i started college and she really enjoyed spending time with her grandson. i do think if she hasnt given you a reason not to trust her then why not give it a try even for a couple of hours. if your not comfortable with it while lo is so young then why not try in a few weeks :)


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## Liesje

Remember, she raised your OH so she must know a little bit about looking after babies. 
I can understand not wanting to leave your baby with someone you don't know as well as your own mother, but how would you feel if your OH felt that way about her?
As much as we'd like to be entitled to extra decision making rights because babies came out of us, it should be a mutual decision. 
I too as a mom of a boy am kind of sad to think I may not be trusted with my grandchildren :(


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## devon_91x

I probably should have given a few reasons why i don't feel comfortable with it. To start with she is always condensending me when she comes round. Whenever my LO starts crying shes like "You need to feed her" Even when i know shes not crying of hunger. She makes me feel like im starving my baby. I am trying to get into a routine with LO, that when she is sleeping and starts crying to be picked up, we just stay by her side and stroke her back to sleep. I know for a fact MIL will pick her up even if i ask her not to (she did this the other day and i was really annoyed) She wants me to start giving her Wheetabix because she gave my OH it at 6 weeks, which is NOT going to happen. Also whenever ive been round there ive noticed that she thinks its ok to let her dog jump up at my LO when shes in her car seat and she dosnt lock the dog in a different room. My mum has a dog and is so careful about leaving him near my LO and if she leaves LO in a room alone she 100% makes sure the dog is locked out from that room. I mentioned the other day about taking my LO swimming soon after her jabs, and she told me i MUST wait until 4 months. I just feel as tho she thinks she knows everything when it comes to my LO and seems to forget that i gave birth to Darcey, not her.

When i go back to work she is looking after her for a few hours one day a week which tbh i am dreading. If it wasnt for the fact i need to work then i wouldnt let her. At the end of the day i know its harsh but if i don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with someone then i should go with my gut, even if it is her nan.


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## mummytasha18

Have you tried telling her in a polite way that you wouldnt like the dog around your lo etc. when Dylan first went to mil i explained that i didnt want her dog in the same room as Dylan she completely understood and i explained how i done certain things etc. i know its hard but just try not to worry im sure it will all be okay!


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## whit.

Lay down some rules. I'd let her keep your LO for a dinner date to prepare myself for her watching her while you're going back to work.


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## KittyVentura

Larkspur said:


> As the mother of a baby boy, it does make me rather sad to think that one day my son's partner might treat me as a secondary grandparent just because I'm not her own mum.
> 
> If there is no particular reason that you feel unsafe about your MIL having LO (ie, she openly disregards your rules for LO, she has an unhealthy home environment, etc) then it may be a bit unfair that you treat her differently to your mum. After all, she managed to raise your OH, right?
> 
> I can understand you not wanting to leave your LO at seven weeks but if you'd be prepared to leave her with your own mum, maybe consider cutting your MIL a break. It's her grandchild too, she would probably love to care for her.

Nail on the head.

I also feel very worried, as a mother of a darling boy, when I read threads like this. Worried that my grandchildren through him, who I will love just the same as my grandchildren through Mops, might be kept for me or have visits limited on the whim of the mother.

I think what you HAVE to accept is that your OH is just as much a parent as you are, has just as much a say in LOs upbringing and who babysits and his mum is JUST as much a grandmother as your own mother is.

And just think of it from your child's side. How WONDERFUL is it that they have another grandmother who loves them SO much that they want to spend quality alone time with them. Is it fair to your child to restrict that for no other reason other than a personal disliking? As you are now forever linked to your MIL isit not better that you just learn to put your feelings aside and try to learn to like the woman?

I can completely understand not wanting to leave baby at 7 weeks, I really do. A if that was your issue I'd back you 100%... But you have to respect and accept that your MIL has just as much right to get to know and spend time with your baby as our own Mum does. 

As an add on, this advice is irrelevant if you had any genuine reason to feel your child wouldn't be safe in her care. My own Mum gets to see my babies supervised at all times by me, but having been neglected through my childhood, at the mercy of her temper and knowing how emotionally unstable, Id never leave my kids in her care. Ever. And she knows that. My MIL on the other hand has them a couple times a month xx


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## Liesje

To be honest, none of those things sound too detrimental, just different from your parenting, it's not like you can over feed a baby (they just return to sender), I'd talk to her about the dog thing though. Sounds like you just don't like her... I'm the same with my mom... I'm not really a fan of her either, she does everythig the opposit of me just for spite but I've come to realize that there can be more than one correct way to do something so it doesn't always have to be my way.


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## Larkspur

I don't want to come across as critical, but it seems like most of your concerns are founded on fears that she might not follow your rules, not that she has done anything wrong. 

If you draw clear boundaries about what you want (eg. 'Please don't pick LO up when she cries, we're trying really hard to establish a sleep routine', 'Please don't give LO any food, even Weetbix' etc) then I think you should at least give her a chance to look after LO and prove your fears unfounded. If she ignores them, fine, don't let her babysit, but if she follows them, then you will reassure yourself. 

I think it is also a bit, well, self-centred to think that you are the one doing her a favour by 'letting' her look after LO when you are at work. You could always pay a babysitter you know... or do your concerns about MIL's suitability as a babysitter somehow become less important when there's money involved?


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## KittyVentura

To add, having just seen your reply. You need to just make it clear what your routines are, what is to happen and what is not. IF she went against your wishes then you would have reason to not allow her to look after baby. But the fact she suggest things you do not agree with doesn't mean she will do them the moment your back is turned. 

I love my MIL dearly. She is like a Mum to me, we talk every day, go shopping together, gossip, etc etc. But when Fin was born she'd suggest I fret him water every time he fussed, from newborn. Kept suggesting it every time and it did get annoying. But I just explained each time that he didn't need any yet and when she had him I wrote a full list of his routine and I KNOW she followed this to the letter, that routine sheet stayed on her fridge for ages. 

Also, I think it's pretty insulting to not want her to look after your child except when you HAVE to for work. She will pick up on the fact that you never allow her to see baby alone except for when YOU need it and might decide not to help you out, after all she would quite rightly feel used. I know I would xx


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## babyjan

I think some people can't help but trust their LO's with their mum over their inlaws, I know I would rather my mum look after my LO and I have left him with my mum when he was only 8 weeks for 2 hours and I felt fine although I did call every 5 minutes lol

No disrespect to my mil but I don't think she'd be bothered by it she has plenty of other grandchildren from her daughters and my mother only has my son has her grandchild, plus I have a few reasons why I would prefer my mum over her baby sitting any day

OP, do what you think it's right if you don't feel ready to leave your LO just yet don't let anyone force you x


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## MummytoSummer

If your mil is good enough for you to look after your lo while you need to work then she should also be good enough to watch lo other times.

If you feel so strongly about her not looking after your lo then you need to also find alternative childcare when you go back to work because to be honest that's pretty insulting to expect it under those circumstances when you need her, but when your oh wants his mum to watch lo or she wants to, you don't want her to.

Give her a chance. Your lo will appreciate being given the same opportunity to have a relationship with her as with your own mum.

If you find she screws up by purposley going against your wishes, then fair enough, but until that day then I say cut her some slack.

X


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## devon_91x

Larkspur said:


> I don't want to come across as critical, but it seems like most of your concerns are founded on fears that she might not follow your rules, not that she has done anything wrong.
> 
> If you draw clear boundaries about what you want (eg. 'Please don't pick LO up when she cries, we're trying really hard to establish a sleep routine', 'Please don't give LO any food, even Weetbix' etc) then I think you should at least give her a chance to look after LO and prove your fears unfounded. If she ignores them, fine, but if she follows them, then you will reassure yourself.
> 
> I think it is also a bit, well, self-centred to think that you are the one doing her a favour by 'letting' her look after LO when you are at work. You could always pay a babysitter you know... or do your concerns about MIL's suitability as a babysitter somehow become less important when there's money involved?

No it's nothing to do with money at all, and tbh i am looking into seeing if i can afford/get help with nursery fees so that my LO can go to nursery rather than have my mum and MIL look after her.

I know nobody is trying to be critical but im assuming that you probably have a MIL who you get on well with and have never looked down on you as a parent and condesended you?

This is a woman who made me feel bad for formula feeding and told the rest of OHs family that i stopped breast feeding which made me feel like sh*t. She let herself into my flat whilst in was in hospital (bare in mind ive asked for the key back!) to change my bed sheets and took my washing home - which included my dirty underwear, rude, no? :growlmad: Then told OHs family she was doing my washing because i couldnt do it myself. Shes constantly slates my mum for no reason and makes bitchy remarks about my 15 YEAR OLD sister :dohh: Also when she was a few days old i walked into the garden to find she had taken a bottle out and started to feed her, without asking me. For the first few weeks i wanted me and OH to be the only ones that fed her, so we could get that "bond". To feed my baby without even asking is just rude.

And yeah before anyone says it, i completly agree that my reasons for not letting her babysit are because i have an issue with her, rather than worry about my child being with her. I would never stop her having contact with my daughter, but at the moment i just dont want her to be alone with her. When, and if, she looks after my LO when i go back to work, she will be 9 months by then and hopefully my feelings would have changed. Plus my LO will be alot older and i will (hopefully) feel more comfortable leaving her with babysitters.


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## pinklightbulb

Lay down the law. If she balks then you know there really are issues and you will have to sort them. If not, then all is well.


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## Liesje

Can I mail her my spare key in case shed like to break into my home, do my laundry and feed my kids without being asked? :haha:
She can tell my family anything she wants lol


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## devon_91x

To all the people saying "If she breaks your rules then fair enough" But if i'm not there when she is watching my LO, how will i know? For all i know she could be breaking my routine, she could be feeding her wheetabix, she could be letting the dog crawl all over her, but how would i know? I think thats what worries me alot. Not just with her, this worries me with my mum aswell.


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## devon_91x

Liesje said:


> Can I mail her my spare key in case shed like to break into my home, do my laundry and feed my kids without being asked? :haha:
> She can tell my family anything she wants lol

Lol! Okay i know it sounds crazy that im moaning about it, but im one of these people who don't like people helping. But to take my dirty washing home (espescially seeing as my massive maternity knickers where in there aswell :blush:) is very rude and i just think it invaded my personal space a bit. And to change my bedsheets just says to me she thinks my bedsheets are dirty which is rude. In my opinion you shouldnt go into someones house and just clean things, even if it is dirty. Well i know i wouldnt do that to someone else.


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## babyjan

Seems like she's being too kind, I'm sure she meant no harm in washing your clothes but I totally understand you being unconfortable with her washing your dirty underwear x


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## Larkspur

devon_91x said:


> I know nobody is trying to be critical but im assuming that you probably have a MIL who you get on well with and have never looked down on you as a parent and condesended you?
> 
> This is a woman who made me feel bad for formula feeding and told the rest of OHs family that i stopped breast feeding which made me feel like sh*t. She let herself into my flat whilst in was in hospital (bare in mind ive asked for the key back!) to change my bed sheets and took my washing home - which included my dirty underwear, rude, no? :growlmad: Then told OHs family she was doing my washing because i couldnt do it myself. Shes constantly slates my mum for no reason and makes bitchy remarks about my 15 YEAR OLD sister :dohh: Also when she was a few days old i walked into the garden to find she had taken a bottle out and started to feed her, without asking me. For the first few weeks i wanted me and OH to be the only ones that fed her, so we could get that "bond". To feed my baby without even asking is just rude.
> 
> And yeah before anyone says it, i completly agree that my reasons for not letting her babysit are because i have an issue with her, rather than worry about my child being with her. I would never stop her having contact with my daughter, but at the moment i just dont want her to be alone with her. When, and if, she looks after my LO when i go back to work, she will be 9 months by then and hopefully my feelings would have changed. Plus my LO will be alot older and i will (hopefully) feel more comfortable leaving her with babysitters.

My MIL lives 200 miles away and actually she does have some pretty old-school ideas about child-raising, so I would have to be pretty clear about my 'rules' were she to babysit. She was just 17 herself when she had my OH and by his own description, she wasn't a great mum - too young, not enough coping skills for three small kids. But you know, that was a long time ago now, so I figure she's had time to learn from her mistakes.

Maybe I am more laid-back than most people but I would honestly find it hard to get worked up about my child's grandparent taking my dirty laundry away to wash it (underwear included!) or trying to help out by giving a bottle, even without asking. I don't know about the comments about your mother or sister... if it were me, I would just stop that sort of thing dead in its tracks by asking her not to talk about my family negatively.

It sort of sounds like you made your mind up before starting this thread, but I hope the different perspectives have been helpful in some way.


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## Liesje

It sounds like you're just really detail oriented. All I can say is it won't kill your baby to deviate from her routine for a few hours while you go to dinner. My baby's routine is shot if he poops at the wrong time lol, it annoys me but he doesn't seem to notice one way or the other.


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## MummytoSummer

All you can do is trust her hun. The same as you'd trust a babysitter or your own mum. If you come home to a happy, clean, fed baby, then she can't have done anything too bad could she?

If you leave clear written rules or guidelines indicating how much to feed/when, her sleep times etc, then even if she uses them as a guideline I'd say let her. If she does pick your lo up when She cries its not going to be the end of the world if it's only once every couple of weeks or so when she babysits. It's not going to cause detriment to your lo's sleeping habits.

That's just my opinion though and at the end of the day it's up to you how you go about it. This is also coming from someone who HATES my mil, but I have no real justification, I try to hide my feelings towards her for my girls'sake and my oh's. It's his mum, I have to remember and respect that. I'd be heartbroken if I thought he felt the same way about my mum. Both his mum and my own mum have different parenting ways than I do (theirs are 30 years old for a start) but I know that bottom line neither will do anything to harm my lo's. That's good enough for me. Ok, so when they babysit I might come home and find my eldest went to bed later than I'd like or my youngest is being cuddled to sleep, but what's the harm for one night. Both my girls have had a lovely night with nan or grandma and my mum or mil have had bonding time, plus me and oh have had valuable couple time. Everyone's a winner. 

Sometimes I do think you have to just fight your feelings if they're just personal. If it is down to not wanting to leave her at 7 weeks that's another matter but the fact you've already left her and are willing to leave her with your own mum says that's not the case. 

X


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## mommyof3co

OP I am totally on your side. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone...if you don't feel comfortable with it do NOT do it. You don't need a reason. If your mommy gut is saying you shouldn't, then you shouldn't. She's already trying to overstep boundaries with you right there, picking her up when you told her not to. If she doesn't respect you with you right there watching why would she respect your wishes when you aren't there, she probably will think she can get away with it. Sure you could set some rules and then if she breaks them not allow her again, but if she gives her her first food, first of all way too early and secondly with you not even there to see it how are you going to feel? I know if it were me I would resent her for it. You should only do what you feel comfortable with, period.

As for the PP that said that you would be really hurt if your little boy's partner treated you that way, I can totally understand...I have 4 boys and probably will never have a girl so I will be that grandma. But if I'm being pushy and disrespectful I would hope I've raised my son to be a good husband and father and stick by his new family..his wife and child..and tell me when I've gone too far. I have a horrible MIL so I definitely have a good example of what NOT to do when my time comes, I hope that my DIL will love me and fully trust me, but if in her gut she feels she shouldn't leave her LO with me, while I might be a little upset or hurt, I still hope she would do what she feels is best for her child.


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## ttcmikeandme

Sounds like you already have your mind made up to be honest, but going to give my opinion anyway. ;)

The one thing that kinda irritated me to be honest was your statement that your LO is "your baby" more so than your husbands so it's your call on what to do. To me that is extremely unfair. LO is a product of the two of you, and the baby is not one person's more than the other. Your husband should have as much of a right to decide things as you, it should be a mutual decision.

As far as the things that worry/irritate you, would they still irritate you as much if it was your mom doing them? I totally understand the privacy thing of the underwear (my MIL did that once too, but look at her meaning behind them. Was she just trying to be kind by feeding baby and doing your laundry?

She kind of sounds like a supportive grandmother to me. Ultimately it is your & hubby's decision, so hope you two can work it out!


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## Angelz79

I have the same feelings regarding my MIL taking care of my son. She's a lovely lady, but a bit flakey. My LO is 5.5 months now and he has only stayed with her alone for a few hours and although he was fine, I still feel uneasy leaving him with her. I have no qualms about leaving my LO with my own mother, but I think that is because my own mother listens and respects how I want to raise my son. My MIL wanted me to start my LO on solids at 3 months because that's what she did with her boys. My FIL thinks it's "funny" to try to feed my LO things off his plate. So even though I know they would never intentionally do anything to hurt my LO, it bothers me that they even joke about it and makes me worry about leaving my LO alone with them. 

People use the argument that their MILs obviously know what they are doing since they raised our OHs, but that does nothing to put me at ease. My OH will be the first to admit that his childhood was the route of all his adult issues. 

I say trust your instincts and remember the things your MIL does that bother you the most for when your LO is grown and you are the MIL.


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## Juicybaby88

My ds is 15 months now & my mil has never watched him & there are no plans to either, I suffer anxiety and I have real issues with the way she would care for my son! She's quite flaky, doesn't listen to what your saying, gets distracted to easily etc! I appreciate it's her grandchild but it's my son & what I say goes! She can visit or my Dh can take him down there but that's it! If I feel comfortable in the future then I'll cross that bridge! U must always follow ur instincts, it's your child at the end of the day... U cZn never be to careful x


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## Bex84

Only do it when u r comfortable. My lo is 14 months and never stayed with anyone else ( before i get lynched my parents and inlaws only see my lo once to every two months they dont know her) me and my mil often have issues i let go. I personally think for people worried how much they will see sons children that as long as u respect boundries u will have a good relationship. Op i know exactly where u r coming from my mil wanted my lo weaned by 8 weeks ( she has obsessions over wheetabix) she keeps asking when im trying for a boy (i love my little girl and am happy to have her shes perfect so why mil cant love her for her i dont know) 7 weeks is very young. Me and dh always discuss decisions and i know he doesent trust his mother with lo. If u do before ready u will stress yourself out. Its not a competition who sees baby more. Maybe if u decide u want her to have her over to your house while u do stuff around house so u can feel comfortable her looking after lo. However i cant really talk as longest i have been from lo is 20 minutes having haircut while my oh looked after lo. Hope everythings works out ok. By the way it would drive me crazy if anyone tried to do my washing etc ...


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## AP

I would agree with you OP. It doesnt matter who has had her before, if you aren't comfortable then you shouldn't be forced into a situation. I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust.

I would probably try in the future but if you arent ready now, just don't force yourself :)


This is coming from someone who has never left the kids with her MIL but I think I have plenty reason :)


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## babyblog

Although you can't help how you feel I think you need to treat all grandparents equally- as long as they are capable of course. I don't really think it's a case of "what I say goes" when your baby has two parents! I say this as a mum of two boys who would hate to be the MiL that isn't allow to look after the grandchildren, and having seen my parents have to take a back seat with my nephew ( my brothers son) . 

In terms of caring for your LO when at work, whilst you can of course advise of routines etc I am in the mindset that if they're good enough to look after them then really you need to give them a bit of slack. My mm has mine when I work and I let her get in with it, I wouldn't dream of telling her how to do things as she loves then more than anything and knows how to care for them x


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## Larkspur

AtomicPink said:


> I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust. :)

Yes, but presumably her OH did spend the first part of *his* life with his mother and knows whether he trusts her or not. Does he not get equal say in the care of his child? :shrug: Does he get to say the OP's mother can't look after the baby because he didn't grow up with her and therefore doesn't trust her as much as his own mum?


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## AP

Larkspur said:


> AtomicPink said:
> 
> 
> I can completely understand why you feel that way - after all you know your mum inside and out, your MIL isnt your mum and you havent spent your first part of your life with her, so it will take time to trust. :)
> 
> Yes, but presumably her OH did spend the first part of *his* life with his mother and knows whether he trusts her or not. Does he not get equal say in the care of his child? :shrug: Does he get to say the OP's mother can't look after the baby because he didn't grow up with her and therefore doesn't trust her as much as his own mum?Click to expand...

And that's fair enough, if the OH had an issue with her mum that would need to be addressed too!


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## devon_91x

Obviously i know everyone has different opinions and i respect that but i think it really does just come down the to fact that i dont have a good relationship with my MIL. I 1000000% agree that both grandparents should be treated as equal and i would never want to make either grandparent feel left out. Both my mum, and OHs mum and dad see her twice a week. The thing that annoys me is that OHs family expect us to go to their house. I mean occasionally they do pop over here (uninvited) but they constantly want us to go over their house for dinner. Even when LO was 6 days old they made us go round to their house for like 6 hours for a BBQ. If my family want to see LO they appreciate the fact that they need to come to my house.

Just because she is my LOs nan, does that mean my insecurities about her looking after my daughter should just dissapear? I cant help how i feel and what is the point leaving her to go for dinner when i would just spend all my time worrying and not enjoying myself?


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## MrsKyliePaton

It amazes me the amount of people that don't trust there mil's, my mil has 6 kids the youngest being twins at 16 years old so I do trust her 100% what does your oh think of the situation? Does he trust his mum? If you both don't trust her then understandable, but I know my husband would be livid if I said to him his mum couldn't look after my girls because she does this that and the next thing, if you maybe give her a list of things to follow she might surprise you but you have to give her chance so she can prove herself trust worthy atleast x


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## Dk1234

I think you need to nurture your relationship with your oh. He asked you to dinner and he probably needs some time with you. Lots of new mothers pay all their attention to their LO and forget that relationship needs extra work. Also, if he asked if his mother could keep LO, IMO you should let her. Would you OH honestly out you LO in a bad situation. Just have him discuss the rules with her or you could. It's just dinner and if you time it correctly, with a 7 week old, she could likely sleep the entire or most the time.


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## Dk1234

I also agree you have to give her a chance, if she fails you fine. My in laws would do things very different from me but when I give the rules they follow them because they know we control whether or not they see LO much. I think it's a disservice to your LO to play favorites with your mom. Trust me, I know how you feel 100%. I would much prefer my LO be left with my mom but that is my insecurities and aren't well founded. Also, picking her up once isn't gonna harm all your efforts. I know my mil wouldn't do that either so I just let her. Some people can't watch a baby cry without stressing out, no need to get her so stressed while watching your LO.


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## devon_91x

Dk1234 said:


> I also agree you have to give her a chance, if she fails you fine. My in laws would do things very different from me but when I give the rules they follow them because they know we control whether or not they see LO much. I think it's a disservice to your LO to play favorites with your mom. Trust me, I know how you feel 100%. I would much prefer my LO be left with my mom but that is my insecurities and aren't well founded. Also, picking her up once isn't gonna harm all your efforts. I know my mil wouldn't do that either so I just let her. Some people can't watch a baby cry without stressing out, no need to get her so stressed while watching your LO.

I have said im NOT playing favourites with my mum. And if my MIL is going to get stressed whilst watching my LO then she shouldnt watch her, end of.


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## Dk1234

Uh I get stressed all the time when I'm with my LO. Does a crying baby not stress ou out? I wasn't being rude by playing favorites I just meant you let your LO be watched by your mom and not your mil. Surely you trust your OH's judgement.


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## MrsHedgehog

I think it's perfectly natural to trust our own mum's more than our MILs. I feel happier leaving LO with my own mum rather than MIL. I've known my mum my whole life but just known MIL for a few years. It takes time to build up trust. Don't let anyone push you into doing something you're not comfortable with. We have to trust our mummy instincts.


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## Jennifurball

devon_91x said:


> To all the people saying "If she breaks your rules then fair enough" But if i'm not there when she is watching my LO, how will i know? For all i know she could be breaking my routine, she could be feeding her wheetabix, she could be letting the dog crawl all over her, but how would i know? I think thats what worries me alot. Not just with her, this worries me with my mum aswell.

I totally understand that, like you have to wait for something to go wrong before you put your foot down. I am same with ex MIL, she used to put about 5 blankets on her and it made me so angry, she just kept feeling her hands saying I'm not wrapping her enough, I didn't want to leave her with her cos why should I risk my child not waking up from overheating just to make MIL feel included?

I would get help for nursery then at least you can relax.


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## _jellybean_

I disagree that because your the mom, your the main parent, and what you say goes. I think that you should have a conversation with you mil, and with your oh about the way you feel.


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## whit.

You would rather some stranger take care of your LO at daycare instead of your MIL?


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## aliss

At your LO's age, I think I felt the same way. In fact I recall writing her a long e-mail about how I felt disrespected this/that and how I wasn't going to put up with it etc.

Now, 2 years later, MIL and I get along very well. I will say the first few months of the first baby will be the biggest strain of any MIL/DIL relationship ever. You've got many many years ahead of you with this woman, so I really recommend working on repairing it rather than avoiding it.

It is my personal belief** (personal!!!) that it is important to pick your battles when you are trying to facilitate a grandparent-child relationship. What those battles are, those are for you to decide. I personally have relaxed on the "rules" as time has gone on, I will admit in hindsight, I was far too uptight on some things (I'm saying I was, not you). That at the end of the day, a happy and healthy MIL-DIL relationship is far more important than the minor details.

My mother and grandmother (her MIL) HATED each other, particularly for parenting differences that IMO were just that - differences - and nothing to do with danger/safety etc. That always bummed me out. And sometimes my mom was wrong. And sometimes my grandma was wrong.

I have since taught my son that when he is with his grandparents, he abides by their rules - even if those rules are not necessarily the same as mine. A good relationship with his grandparents (and witnessing me having a good relationship with them) is far more important in the overall picture than the little details. And most of all, as others have said, he's not "my baby my rules". He is "our baby our rules". I am his mother but his father and his grandparents (on both sides), his auntie, they are all authority figures in his life and are to be respected and listened to. Now, this obviously doesn't apply to a 7 week old but the principle is the same.


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## jenniferttc1

These threads make me sad reading as a mother to a boy! You have a daughter, so you don't have to put yourself in the "what if one day" situation. Its time to overcome your feeling towards her and let her see her grand baby. She is no less than your mother. 
Its not fair, and honestly If I was your husband I would be so disappointed and upset by this. My MIL will never watch my son, but I have a good reason, and thats cause shes an alcoholic and lives in bad conditions. I WISHED I could leave my baby with her, as his grandmother thats her right, but she choosed this path not me. 
If she has no issues other than you thinking she's a bitch then you are taking something special between your daughter and your MIL, and that will fall on you. Sorry to be harsh, I don't at all agree with "my mom is okay to watch my child, but not MIL" im sure other moms to boy will understand exactly what I'm saying. 
And I say this as a mother who just keeps the peace and not say anything negative towards my MIL.If she was not the way she is (was on drugs when my husband was little, kicked him out at 12 years old, let her boyfriends beat him, and is currently a drunk that sees her grandchild 3 times since he's been born, mind you she lives 20 mins away and when she does see him, she has had to many beers to hold him) I would let her watch him. I feel cheated honestly! Cherish that you have a MIL and loves and WANTS to be there.


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## whit.

Aliss, you're not allowed to change your profile picture. :rofl:


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## aliss

whit. said:


> Aliss, you're not allowed to change your profile picture. :rofl:

But I identify with Samuel L Jackson. I'm in every thread and he's in every movie. 

Except he gets paid more :cry:


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## Bex84

I feel sorry for op. It is difficult if u have a controlling mil. You often get judged as being unfair. The ops baby is only 7 weeks old. Her mil has time to build up trust with her. My lo is part of my relationship with my dh since we r a family. I dont want to be away from her so we go out as a family. I am fine with my mil seeing my lo as much as she wants but i dont want to leave lo. It is natural to trust your mum more and usually i know i personally feel much more able to express myself with my mum over how i want my lo bought up. I have a daughter but if i have a son in future who had children i would try and be respectful of dil and as my parents told me we all parent differently and if advice is wanted that u would be there. Just take your time op so u r comfortable your baby is still young u still have years where mil can look after your lo


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## jenniferttc1

Bex84 said:


> I feel sorry for op. It is difficult if u have a controlling mil. You often get judged as being unfair. The ops baby is only 7 weeks old. Her mil has time to build up trust with her. My lo is part of my relationship with my dh since we r a family. I dont want to be away from her so we go out as a family. I am fine with my mil seeing my lo as much as she wants but i dont want to leave lo. It is natural to trust your mum more and usually i know i personally feel much more able to express myself with my mum over how i want my lo bought up. I have a daughter but if i have a son in future who had children i would try and be respectful of dil and as my parents told me we all parent differently and if advice is wanted that u would be there. Just take your time op so u r comfortable your baby is still young u still have years where mil can look after your lo

I don't think anyone is going by LO's age at all honestly. I left my son for hours at a time around 6 months old. In my honest opinion is why couldn't trust have been build up before baby came? Or why doubt her parenting? I'm assuming she's with her husband cause he's a good man, which means her MIL did something right and raised a wonderful son and he's still alive. Or what makes you think your own mother doesnt sneak things to LO when your not around? I know my mother does. 
I gave views from someone that is not in no way close to her MIL and does not even let her watch him and never EVER will. I look at it as all these people trying to give a good eye opening to the OP, and how its not really fair and doing this is taking away special bonds between both her daughter and MIL.


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## Bex84

I can see where u r coming from i really can. I was just expressing its very hard to know full situation. My mil became more controlling since had lo. My mum has very simular parenting to me. I dislike my mil but i encourage a relationship with mil and lo. My dh is lovely but his mother has told me many accidents happening including dropping my dh out of pram twice in busy london street. My daughter will have a good relationship with mil due to i will encorage it. My mil is well known as being controlling and my dh agrees . I think because of my situation i empathise with op, im sure her lo will have a good relationship with her nana but i think every mother finds it difficult to leave lo wirh others to start with


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## mommyof3co

Maybe I'm crazy but I would totally rather have a stranger at a daycare take care of my child than my MIL. (Oh and BTW, my mom doesn't watch my kids either because we have issues) But those "strangers" are fully trained and held accountable in many ways to doing what is best for your child...MIL, not so much. Sure MIL loves the kid and I'm sure doesn't want anything to happen but she also has her own view on things and she's shown that she doesn't respect OP's wishes. With a daycare it's a business, you can fire them, you are paying them to do what is best for your child.

I'm really surprised by how many people say she HAS to give her a chance and if she fails then she can say no, first of all, she doesn't HAVE to do anything. And secondly this is a child we are talking about. OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her? Sure it's been little things in front of the OP but if the OP isn't there to watch whose to say she doesn't do whatever she thinks is best and while it might be with no intent to cause any harm if she's not listening to OP and the newest recommendations it could cause harm.

And I too feel that I"m the mom I have the final say. My DH and I have a wonderful relationship and we do compromise and all that, we never fight. BUT if he was wanting to do something that I felt might put the kids in danger, if I say no the answer is no, I don't care what he says. And the same goes for him, if he put his foot down about something I'm not going to just ignore him. But I do feel like I have the final say with the kids...and btw he agrees. I carried them each 9mo, I am the one that has been home with them every single day since birth and do the majority of the caring and raising because I am a stay at home parent so I know them better than anyone else and I do think a mother's intuition or instincts are stronger than a dad's and should be followed.

ETA and just because her DH is a great guy now doesn't mean that that shows MIL is fine. I'm a really great mom and a good person all around but my mom is never allowed to have my kids unsupervised. I was raised by her and my dad (who passed away) and had a really rough childhood. I'm a good person despite my raising. That is definitely not an indicator that MIL is fine to watch the baby.


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## porkypig

mommyof3co said:


> OP I am totally on your side. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone...if you don't feel comfortable with it do NOT do it. You don't need a reason. If your mommy gut is saying you shouldn't, then you shouldn't. She's already trying to overstep boundaries with you right there, picking her up when you told her not to. If she doesn't respect you with you right there watching why would she respect your wishes when you aren't there, she probably will think she can get away with it. Sure you could set some rules and then if she breaks them not allow her again, but if she gives her her first food, first of all way too early and secondly with you not even there to see it how are you going to feel? I know if it were me I would resent her for it. You should only do what you feel comfortable with, period.
> 
> As for the PP that said that you would be really hurt if your little boy's partner treated you that way, I can totally understand...I have 4 boys and probably will never have a girl so I will be that grandma. But if I'm being pushy and disrespectful I would hope I've raised my son to be a good husband and father and stick by his new family..his wife and child..and tell me when I've gone too far. I have a horrible MIL so I definitely have a good example of what NOT to do when my time comes, I hope that my DIL will love me and fully trust me, but if in her gut she feels she shouldn't leave her LO with me, while I might be a little upset or hurt, I still hope she would do what she feels is best for her child.

You are like the dream mil, your boys wives will be very lucky :hugs:


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## Soph n Chris

Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say....... 

I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations. 

Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....


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## Jennifurball

I really don't think you ladies with baby boys should be worrying. These are the 'old school' MIL's we are talking about, not willing to move ahead with new rules/anything out of their comfort zone. If you appreciate how these women make the mummy's feel, as you do, then I am sure you will do your best to make her feel good as a new mum and give her the right support rather than saying 'well I did this 30 years ago'.


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## mommyof3co

Soph n Chris said:


> Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say.......
> 
> I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations.
> 
> Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....


I don't know if it was partially a reply to me because what I said, I know a few others said it too. But I don't mean to say that my DH (or OP's DH) is less than a parent. Like I said, we compromise. But, for example...if my DH didn't agree with my choice to ERF my kids because it is the safest for them...guess what? They are going to ERF anyway. I will not compromise on their safety because he doesn't understand it. Now luckily, he totally does, just using it as an example. Or if he didn't want me to BF...I'd do it anyway because it's best for them...again not relevant because he does agree. Just like if he really wanted me to leave them with someone he thought was ok but I was uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, I would NOT leave them even if he wanted me to. Granted, thankfully we have a great relationship where if he knew I was uncomfortable he would never expect me to. As the mom I get the final say. But the same goes for him, if he didn't feel comfortable with someone we were leaving the kids with I would expect him to say no, no matter what I said. His loyalty is to our kids, above me. And if he feels they aren't safe somewhere I expect him to step in front of me and say it's not happening...and I will do the same for my kids. It's not about one being less than the other parent.


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## Larkspur

mommyof3co said:


> OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her?

And some people sacrifice babies in Satanic rituals, yes, you can never be too careful!!

Or... maybe you can be too careful. As far as I can see from this thread, the only things MIL has done in opposition to the OP's wishes are

- pick up a crying baby
- suggest that BF is better than FF
- suggest some Weetbix in formula at three months
- did some washing without being asked

I don't know but this doesn't exactly sound like the sort of reckless woman who might drive around town with an unsecured infant. So it's kind of hysterical to suggest that she is potentially a physical danger to the child. That, to me is the sort of helicopter approach that has resulted in the bridezilla/momzilla culture that you see on TV these days - the attitude that 'It's my day/It's my baby and therefore ANYTHING I say goes', no matter how irrational/inconvenient to anyone else/damaging to relationships.


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## Soph n Chris

mommyof3co said:


> Soph n Chris said:
> 
> 
> Personally - I don't understand the whole I carried her for nine months so I get more say.......
> 
> I carried my boy for nine months but that in absolutely no way makes FOB any less a parent to him with 100% as much right as me to be involved in all decisions be that as trivial as who watches or as important as vaccinations.
> 
> Your OH would probably be extremely hurt if he knew you had posted this thread I know mine would and I would be devastated if he thought I didn't value his opinion as a parent.....
> 
> 
> I don't know if it was partially a reply to me because what I said, I know a few others said it too. But I don't mean to say that my DH (or OP's DH) is less than a parent. Like I said, we compromise. But, for example...if my DH didn't agree with my choice to ERF my kids because it is the safest for them...guess what? They are going to ERF anyway. I will not compromise on their safety because he doesn't understand it. Now luckily, he totally does, just using it as an example. Or if he didn't want me to BF...I'd do it anyway because it's best for them...again not relevant because he does agree. Just like if he really wanted me to leave them with someone he thought was ok but I was uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, I would NOT leave them even if he wanted me to. Granted, thankfully we have a great relationship where if he knew I was uncomfortable he would never expect me to. As the mom I get the final say. But the same goes for him, if he didn't feel comfortable with someone we were leaving the kids with I would expect him to say no, no matter what I said. His loyalty is to our kids, above me. And if he feels they aren't safe somewhere I expect him to step in front of me and say it's not happening...and I will do the same for my kids. It's not about one being less than the other parent.Click to expand...

It wasn't aimed at you  I got so far reading the thread and was insensitive that I just spewed what was in my head. I have come across this MY BABY attitude a lot in this forum and honestly most people choose to start the journey together and what you say about joint decisions is perfectly right but you can't go into making a decision jointly with your head in the space of this is My Baby so My choices / feelings matters more.


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## mommyof3co

Larkspur said:


> mommyof3co said:
> 
> 
> OP should not put her child somewhere that she has a gut feeling is bad...it doesn't matter if it's the Grandma! What if her "fail" is driving her without a car seat...what if she gets in a wreck? "they didn't use car seats when mine were little and they are just fine!!!" You wouldn't believe how many Grandmas believe that. What if she gives her honey and she gets really sick? There are so many "what ifs" that if she "fails" like that can't be taken back. Unless the MIL can prove that she respects the OP and the way she wants to parent she doesn't deserve the privilege of watching LO. It's not on the OP...the MIL has SHOWN her she won't listen, why are people telling her to ignore what the MIL herself is showing her?
> 
> And some people sacrifice babies in Satanic rituals, yes, you can never be too careful!!
> 
> Or... maybe you can be too careful. As far as I can see from this thread, the only things MIL has done in opposition to the OP's wishes are
> 
> - pick up a crying baby
> - suggest that BF is better than FF
> - suggest some Weetbix in formula at three months
> - did some washing without being asked
> 
> I don't know but this doesn't exactly sound like the sort of reckless woman who might drive around town with an unsecured infant. So it's kind of hysterical to suggest that she is potentially a physical danger to the child. That, to me is the sort of helicopter approach that has resulted in the bridezilla/momzilla culture that you see on TV these days - the attitude that 'It's my day/It's my baby and therefore ANYTHING I say goes', no matter how irrational/inconvenient to anyone else/damaging to relationships.Click to expand...

Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with. I'm definitely not a helicopter parent but it is MY kid and what I say goes, period. If I don't feel comfortable with someone, no matter who it is, they aren't watching my kid. It's natural that she trusts her own mom more, she knows her more. BUT if her DH doesn't trust her mom then the baby shouldn't be left there either.


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## Larkspur

mommyof3co said:


> Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with.

I guess we must agree to disagree on this point. I do think it's relevant "what she's done". 

I personally feel that a good working relationship with a child's grandparents (and with OHs - let's not forget that the reason for this thread is that he's likely to be upset that the OP doesn't want his mum baby-sitting) is something that ought to be prioritised over what comes down to - in the end - extremely trivial and non-dangerous differences in baby care.


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## weewdy

I have the same rights to my daughter as my partner does and if he wanted/trusted someone enough to watch our daughter i would be behind him 100% as he loves our daughter as much as i do. I think its a shame how grandparents dont have the same equal rights. As for the poster saying put them in daycare i personally have worked in many daycares and half the workers couldnt care less about your child, half the time there there for the pay. Also in daycare your child will catch more illness bad habits etc. I would always chose family over random people. Unless they have down something bad to my child. The things you have mentioned your mil doing are not 'bad' as such. Im sure you could iron out any problems if you sit down and speak to her i dont think she would ever deliberately hurt your child. I hope you sort things whatever you decide on.


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## mommyof3co

Larkspur said:


> mommyof3co said:
> 
> 
> Thing is it doesn't matter what she's done. Watching her grandchild isn't a right, it's a privilege. And if she can't follow very simple things, such as not picking up the baby, with the mother RIGHT there telling her why would she listen when she tells her what to do when she's not there? It wouldn't matter though if she'd done nothing at all, if the OP doesn't feel comfortable with it for no reason whatsoever, it's HER child she shouldn't leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with.
> 
> I guess we must agree to disagree on this point. I do think it's relevant "what she's done".
> 
> I personally feel that a good working relationship with a child's grandparents (and with OHs - let's not forget that the reason for this thread is that he's likely to be upset that the OP doesn't want his mum baby-sitting) is something that ought to be prioritised over what comes down to - in the end - extremely trivial and non-dangerous differences in baby care.Click to expand...

I do think that a good working relationship with the grandparents (as long as they aren't toxic, which doesn't appear to be the case here) is a great thing and is what should happen. BUT I think things need to be fixed so that the OP actually feels comfortable leaving her LO with the MIL not her be forced into it. If that means spending more time together, laying down some ground rules and just talking to the MIL, telling her what she wants out of the relationship and seeing where things go. But just because the dad is ok with leaving LO there doesn't mean the OP should go against her gut and do it, it shouldn't be forced.


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## AP

You know, I think it's clear the OP has reservations, probably even ones that she hasn't spoke of here, instincts and all.

If the OH isn't happy, then yes, a compromise has to be reached. That's fair. But if the OH accepts that the mum has worries then the situation has no need to be forced.

Yep compromise is probably the key here dependant on where the OH stands on the matter.


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## weewdy

Can i also add that it takes two to make a baby so both have equal rights.


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## AP

Mommyof3co I agree with everything your saying. The relationship needs to be worked on first. 
What's the point in leaving your LO somewhere to have your own free time if all you're gonna do is worry. I think the concerns need to be ironed out and EVERYONE needs to benefit from LO going to stay

I remember my DH being unhappy with my attitude towards seeing MIL until I sat him down and explained my concerns. Of course we have equal rights but why force each other into things we could be upset about, theres no need. He does his best to keep us all happy and get along so I can gain some trust.(although I do have a rather sneaky MIL so a bit different here) Communication with the OH and both understanding the steps needed to take to make everyone comfortable would really help.


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## Emma&Freya

Its what you feel comfy with. My OH asks if his family can have Freya, its me that makes the decisions cos I organise stuff.

Im now not comfy with his aunty and nan having her no more.


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## fannyadams

Jennifurball said:


> I really don't think you ladies with baby boys should be worrying. These are the 'old school' MIL's we are talking about, not willing to move ahead with new rules/anything out of their comfort zone. If you appreciate how these women make the mummy's feel, as you do, then I am sure you will do your best to make her feel good as a new mum and give her the right support rather than saying 'well I did this 30 years ago'.

A bit OT I know but I wonder how most of us will be if our DILs wean at 12 weeks as that's the rule in 20 years time? Or the new rule is baby to sleep on tummy? Or anything else that we're all so passionate about now? 
It's easy to say our babies our rules but how will we be if our DILs bring their lo's up with rules that are totally against how we feel (ear peircing etc).


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## Dk1234

How would you all feel if your husband's said that your mom couldn't watch your child because he just doesn't trust her. Not because if anything she has done but just because. It isn't fair and honestly, I think it's a bit ridiculous to say what if she drives her without a car seat. I mean surely this woman isn't an idiot. It's dinner that might take two hours. Put baby to bed right when she gets there and she will probably sleep the whole time. This is sad to me. I mean I have a controlling mil and I understand not feeling comfortable but it is a disservice to the LO to hinder the relationship between one grandparent based on unfounded insecurities. I just identify because I have a son I guess. If she had truly done something, fine, some people truly have bad MIL's but this just isn't fair. Every older person I know says my son should be on cereall, they would never feed him behind my back though. She just sounds like a mother to me. I think it would do us all a little good to remember she was exactly in our position once upon a time. And one day, we will all be in hers. Hopefully our daughters and dil's won't keep our grandchildren from us simple based on things that could happen.


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## Kyliem87

I think people need to think out side the box sometimes. Just cause we were parented one way not everyones is the same. Yet we've all survived right? We are very traditional in a lot of things. We eat at the table EVERY night, if my mam goes on holiday she stocks the cupboards/fridge etc and leaves me money for odds and ends/fresh, my parents would NEVER ask my to lend them any money. Flip this and OH eats in his bedroom, buys his own food and has often bailed his parents out for 1 reason or another. Now this may seem OT however the point is - I don't get his lifestyle as that wasn't how I was raised. It's the same with general parenting - my mam had a routine from day 1, his mam didn't.

I trust my mams parenting styles as I saw them first hand. But I've had to learn to trust my in-laws. Whatever happens I know they love her and wouldn't do anything they think will hurt her. My MIL came on holiday with us in June for the 2nd week. Bare in mind we survived the first with no incidents. The 1st day there LO was lying on the sunbeds between my legs and MIL says "OOOO WATCH HER HEAD AT THE END OF THAT SUNBED!" yes it was annoying, LO was fine, but she meant well. Which is what I think your MIL means - we just sometimes take it the wrong way :flow:

I think you have an unhealthy view of LO being YOURS. Unfortunately our fellas CAN'T get pregnant, carry it for 9 months then birth it. This isn't a CHOICE thing. He never said "oh I don't want to do it, you do the hard work love" and had a leisurly 9 months. I was really poorly and have health issues even now. But that isn't HIS fault that he couldn't have them instead. You say on one hand you know he has equal rights etc. then in the next sentence say how your say should over rule his.

Either way I hope you figure something out :flower:


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## jenniferttc1

Wait, why is MIL not able to pick up a 7 week old baby that's cry anyways? That's what you do...? 
I had to fight with my mother and husband to pick up my child when he screamed cause they would have do CIO and thats way to young!


----------



## special_kala

The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.

And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.

We have different relationships with different people. That's life.

The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.

I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.


----------



## special_kala

And for the people worried about ending up like this mil....that's easily avoided. Treat your dil with respect from the get go, don't question their parenting, don't act like she has stolen your son or isn't good enough and learn when to smile and nod.

Easy :)


----------



## Soph n Chris

special_kala said:


> The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.
> 
> And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.
> 
> We have different relationships with different people. That's life.
> 
> The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.
> 
> I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.

And women don't understand what it's like to be a father


----------



## weewdy

Soph n Chris said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.
> 
> And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.
> 
> We have different relationships with different people. That's life.
> 
> The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.
> 
> I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.
> 
> And women don't understand what it's like to be a fatherClick to expand...


You bet me to it i was going to say exactly the same. 

Men get slated all the time for being bad dads but half the time the mums think there better than them and dont give them a chance.


----------



## Soph n Chris

^abso-bloody-lutley


----------



## special_kala

Who said anything about being a bad dad. Men do not have the same physical and hormonal connection we do as mother's.


----------



## whit.

My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:

It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.


----------



## Soph n Chris

We are talking about a fathers rights to make decisions about baby being just as important as a mothers rights. A (most) father will love their baby with the same unconditional love that a mother has. Is it their fault that they can't be pregnant? Should they be 'pushed out' of decisions because a mother is more hormonally (sp?) attached?? 

No.


----------



## Larkspur

special_kala said:


> The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this.

Well, different people interpret actions differently. The OP said her MIL came and did her washing and OP saw it as rude and a veiled commentary on her housekeeping skills. Other posters said they'd love their MIL to show up and cart off their laundry without being asked and would see it as being helpful. Same action, different interpretations.


----------



## weewdy

special_kala said:


> Who said anything about being a bad dad. Men do not have the same physical and hormonal connection we do as mother's.

They love their kids just as much asmums can. Hence the reason they should have just as big a say in their childs life as the mum.


----------



## special_kala

whit. said:


> My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:
> 
> It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.

I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.

So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?


----------



## Pielette

I don't think it's fair to say men don't understand what it is to be a mother. As a pp said, it's not their fault they can't carry and give birth to children! My DH adores our LO just as much as I do and we both give equal considerations to each other's feelings when it comes to LO.

As for this debate about MIL babysitting, yes I feel like a lot of mums on here with boys. We worry that we won't be allowed to be around much, that our DILs will be thinking oh God she's coming round again, put her off, or won't be allowed to spend time with our grandchildren for trivial reasons or simply because we annoy them. I hope that won't happen for us because I think we will remember not to force our opinions on them etc, but because we see it so often on here it makes us worry.

I have a MIL who has manic depression, is currently in hospital in a mental health section and has tried to kill herself on numerous occasions. Of course there is NO way in hell she will ever babysit my LO. In fact I can count on one hand the number of times she has even seen them. And I'll be totally frank, it makes me sad. 

My LO has four living grandparents. One is a manic depressive. One is a loving nanny (my mum). One is, excuse my French, an a**hole who we have nothing to do with (my dad). And finally one is someone who isn't 'good with kids' (FIL). So to all intents and puporses, my LO has ONE grandparent. It breaks my heart, because I had three and adored them.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think it's an awful shame to let trivial things ruin grandparent relationships. I'm not saying go out and leave your LO with her for a day. I think I just mean for a start, spend some time all together, let her see how you want to parent your LO and talk to her about how you would like her to do things. And at the same time try and improve your relationship. Family is so important. I want my LO to have a good relationship with all the family on my DH's side (all those who are possible).


----------



## special_kala

Larkspur said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this.
> 
> Well, different people interpret actions differently. The OP said her MIL came and did her washing and OP saw it as rude and a veiled commentary on her housekeeping skills. Other posters said they'd love their MIL to show up and cart off their laundry without being asked and would see it as being helpful. Same action, different interpretations.Click to expand...

Which probably means different history with her MIL which shouldn't be ignored.


----------



## belle254

I know exactly how you feel, I'm the same way. Comfortable with my own mum sitting but not the MIL. It makes me nervous; she doesn't read LOs cues (hunger, over stimulated, tired) and is very loud and in your face with her. She'll be a lot older by the time let her be looked after by MIL. I know it's not fair or practical but I knw what you mean by saying you feel like you have more rights as she came from your body. I regularly feel like OH should be paying more attention to my wishes rather than ignoring the littles things I say about LOs routine! Xxx


----------



## Soph n Chris

special_kala said:


> whit. said:
> 
> 
> My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:
> 
> It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.
> 
> I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.
> 
> So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?Click to expand...

I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....


----------



## Larkspur

Soph n Chris said:


> I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....

Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?


----------



## Kristin52

Liesje said:


> It sounds like you're just really detail oriented. All I can say is it won't kill your baby to deviate from her routine for a few hours while you go to dinner. My baby's routine is shot if he poops at the wrong time lol, it annoys me but he doesn't seem to notice one way or the other.

You haven't met my son then.
Routine goes wrong? There goes all my effort down the tubes!


----------



## Soph n Chris

Larkspur said:


> Soph n Chris said:
> 
> 
> I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....
> 
> Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?Click to expand...

Hmmmm


----------



## special_kala

Soph n Chris said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> whit. said:
> 
> 
> My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:
> 
> It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.
> 
> I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.
> 
> So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?Click to expand...
> 
> I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....Click to expand...

Love is hormones.

If my OH had a real issue with someone looking after the girls i would listen but like i said most women trust their mums more then their MIL which is normal


----------



## whit.

special_kala said:


> whit. said:
> 
> 
> My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:
> 
> It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.
> 
> I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.
> 
> So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?Click to expand...

And most men are probably closer to their mothers. 

I think the fair solution would be to talk it out with her OH and compromise. She's going to be leaving her LO with MIL while she works, why not try it out for a dinner out with her OH for an hour and a half instead of a whole day of work? :shrug:


----------



## nicb26

I totally understand how you feel. My oh wants mil and sil to babysit, but I don't feel comfortable, especially sil, as she hasn't really been around babies. My lo is on the move now, and accidents can happen very quickly, which is why I don't want sil as she doesn't understand what babies are like iykwim. As for mil, I guess I don't feel that I 100% know her, so I don't want to leave my baby with her. I know a lot of people say its oh baby too, so he has equal say... Well actually, he's quite happy for me to do all the work (be up all night, up early at weekends, prep all her meals etc etc etc), so I therefore feel that I should get the last word on who looks after her and when. In your case, 7 weeks is v young, I wouldnt blame you for not wanting to leave her at all. It's a tricky one, but you are her mother so I think it's your decision xx


----------



## Dk1234

Larkspur said:


> Soph n Chris said:
> 
> 
> I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....
> 
> Yeah, you gotta wonder who would get more 'rights' over an adopted child, huh?Click to expand...

Exactly this is just baffling to me. My husband and I wouldn't have a very good relationship if I felt this way. He is my partner and my equal. I can't imagine treating him as if he had less rights to my child.


----------



## Soph n Chris

special_kala said:


> Soph n Chris said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> whit. said:
> 
> 
> My mother had no motherly instincts, my father raised me. I don't think it's fair to write off all fathers because SOME might not have the instincts. Not all mothers have connections to their babies. :shrug:
> 
> It still doesn't change the fact that the baby is equally the fathers and he should have just as much right to make decisions regarding their well-being.
> 
> I didnt say all and i actually said most women are closer to their mothers.
> 
> So what would be the fair solution to this? The OP do do something she isnt comfortable with because the father has equal say?Click to expand...
> 
> I say what if it was the other way round. Mother if baby wants her mum to look after grandchild but father has concerns. Are the hen invalid because he doesn't have a 'hormonal' or 'physcial' connection to the child??? I thought bringing up a child was about love..... An emotional connection .....Click to expand...
> 
> Love is hormones.
> 
> If my OH had a real issue with someone looking after the girls i would listen but like i said most women trust their mums more then their MIL which is normalClick to expand...

By your statement I am therefore not 'normal' because I don't trust my mum the same way I trust my MIL. 

Also, does that mean a mother loves a child more than a father??


----------



## special_kala

dont be picky. It is not the NORM. better?


----------



## Soph n Chris

special_kala said:


> dont be picky. It is not the NORM. better?


I'm not being of picky, you can't make broad statements like that as though they are fact...

I can be picky though - rewording it like that still makes it the same statement just worded differently....


----------



## special_kala

In general women are closer to their own mother. How is that not true?


----------



## staralfur

My MIL used to go off all the time about giving my LO Pablum, ice cream, popsicles, you name it. And so I was VERY hesitant to leave my LO with her. 

But it's a problem easily solved by communicating. I just sat down with her before we left and said "I really feel strongly about not giving her food before 6 months, and I'm concerned you'll give her some while we're gone." She looked surprised and said that despite what she thinks, she would NEVER go against our wishes. And that was it! I have no issues leaving her with MIL now. I was fretting over nothing and a two minute conversation was all it took to fix. 

I think without at least having that conversation with her, you're not really giving a fair chance. If she brushes off your concerns, then absolutely you should make the call not to leave your LO with her. But she could be totally accepting and just not realize she's making you uncomfortable.


----------



## jenniferttc1

special_kala said:


> In general women are closer to their own mother. How is that not true?

That's probably down to mothers not trusting anyone though lol. Mother not letting daddy do his thing cause they are scared something terrible is going to happen that we can't control when not around.


----------



## Soph n Chris

Because it isn't fact. There are lots of families that aren't like this.... There are women that are closer to their fathers, MIL's, Aunties, friends.... The list is endless.


----------



## weewdy

staralfur said:


> My MIL used to go off all the time about giving my LO Pablum, ice cream, popsicles, you name it. And so I was VERY hesitant to leave my LO with her.
> 
> But it's a problem easily solved by communicating. I just sat down with her before we left and said "I really feel strongly about not giving her food before 6 months, and I'm concerned you'll give her some while we're gone." She looked surprised and said that despite what she thinks, she would NEVER go against our wishes. And that was it! I have no issues leaving her with MIL now. I was fretting over nothing and a two minute conversation was all it took to fix.
> 
> I think without at least having that conversation with her, you're not really giving a fair chance. If she brushes off your concerns, then absolutely you should make the call not to leave your LO with her. But she could be totally accepting and just not realize she's making you uncomfortable.

I totally agree half the time mil and even our own mothers dont realise they are doing/saying wrong things.


----------



## special_kala

Soph n Chris said:


> Because it isn't fact. There are lots of families that aren't like this.... There are women that are closer to their fathers, MIL's, Aunties, friends.... The list is endless.

Generally isnt fact

gen·er·al·ly/&#712;jen&#601;r&#601;l&#275;/
Adverb:	

In most cases; usually.


I did not say all i am aware there are exceptions.


----------



## Dk1234

I don't understand the point, so what she is closer with her mom. He is closer with his. That's not the point. The point she is dismissing her husband's wishes and she asked if people agreed and obviously we don't all agree.


----------



## highhopes19

I've got to say your mil sounds like a saint compared to mine :haha: mine really is the wicked witch.... Most recent thing which was the final straw tbh and it all kicked off was her knocking my lo over on purpose because she was standing in her way ( she's learning to walk) :growlmad:, ohhhh and stealing thousands of pounds of my oh, threatening to stab her 4 year old neighbour etc she's a delightful woman my mil.

I can get where your coming from though I really can I think you need to sit down with her before you go out and explain the routine you have in place perhaps write it down Aswell. It's for a couple of hours go for dinner enjoy yourselves even though it'll be hard not to worry atleast try. If all goes tits up and she unsettles your lo atleast then you can say to yourself and oh you gave it go.

Xx


----------



## Soph n Chris

I know generally isn't fact- in your very first 'statement' you made out it was a simple fact and the 'norm' 

state·ment/&#712;st&#257;tm&#601;nt/
Noun:	
A definite or clear expression of something in speech or writing: "do you agree with this statement?"

An official account of facts, views, or plans, esp. one for release to the media.


----------



## special_kala

It is the norm that doesnt meant there arnt exceptions.


----------



## AP

I don't think we need to go down the root of pulling each others posts apart now?! :wacko:


----------



## Soph n Chris

I think we had better agree to disagree..... Not getting anywhere


----------



## MummytoSummer

Ok, so even IF GENERALLY most women are closer to their own mothers, is it also fair to suggest that GENERALLY most men are closer to their own mothers??? Yes???

Then why if the father sees his own mother as someone capable of watching HIS OWN child, is this less important than if the mother doesn't want her to watch THEIR child???

It is NOT ok for a mum to say 'no your mum can't watch our baby, but mine can'. 

I'm sorry, that is just never ok, and to be quite honest not a healthy view at all in any relationship to think that one of you has the superior say over the raising of your child.

I've said it before I hate my mil, I hate how patronising she is and how generally uneasy she makes me feel, but I know she wouldn't do anything to harm my daughters because she loves them. If I were to tell my oh his mum couldn't look after OUR children because I wasn't comfortable with it, but my own mum can he would be heartbroken. If I ever did that I would totally understand if he were to say back to me 'fine then but your mum also doesn't look after them because I don't feel comfortable'.

Carrying a child for 9 months does not in any way shape or form make me any more of a parent. My oh would be devastated if I believed this to be the case. We love our children equally. I may have had that initial bond happen more quickly but his bond with our children was there within days and I know he'd sooner die than put them in harms way. Bottom line is I TRUST my oh and HIS judgement as well as my own.


----------



## weewdy

MummytoSummer said:


> Ok, so even IF GENERALLY most women are closer to their own mothers, is it also fair to suggest that GENERALLY most men are closer to their own mothers??? Yes???
> 
> Then why if the father sees his own mother as someone capable of watching HIS OWN child, is this less important than if the mother doesn't want her to watch THEIR child???
> 
> It is NOT ok for a mum to say 'no your mum can't watch our baby, but mine can'.
> 
> I'm sorry, that is just never ok, and to be quite honest not a healthy view at all in any relationship to think that one of you has the superior say over the raising of your child.
> 
> I've said it before I hate my mil, I hate how patronising she is and how generally uneasy she makes me feel, but I know she wouldn't do anything to harm my daughters because she loves them. If I were to tell my oh his mum couldn't look after OUR children because I wasn't comfortable with it, but my own mum can he would be heartbroken. If I ever did that I would totally understand if he were to say back to me 'fine then but your mum also doesn't look after them because I don't feel comfortable'.
> 
> Carrying a child for 9 months does not in any way shape or form make me any more of a parent. My oh would be devastated if I believed this to be the case. We love our children equally. I may have had that initial bond happen more quickly but his bond with our children was there within days and I know he'd sooner die than put them in harms way. Bottom line is I TRUST my oh and HIS judgement as well as my own.

I think you have worded this well


----------



## special_kala

weewdy said:


> MummytoSummer said:
> 
> 
> Ok, so even IF GENERALLY most women are closer to their own mothers, is it also fair to suggest that GENERALLY most men are closer to their own mothers??? Yes???
> 
> Then why if the father sees his own mother as someone capable of watching HIS OWN child, is this less important than if the mother doesn't want her to watch THEIR child???
> 
> It is NOT ok for a mum to say 'no your mum can't watch our baby, but mine can'.
> 
> I'm sorry, that is just never ok, and to be quite honest not a healthy view at all in any relationship to think that one of you has the superior say over the raising of your child.
> 
> I've said it before I hate my mil, I hate how patronising she is and how generally uneasy she makes me feel, but I know she wouldn't do anything to harm my daughters because she loves them. If I were to tell my oh his mum couldn't look after OUR children because I wasn't comfortable with it, but my own mum can he would be heartbroken. If I ever did that I would totally understand if he were to say back to me 'fine then but your mum also doesn't look after them because I don't feel comfortable'.
> 
> Carrying a child for 9 months does not in any way shape or form make me any more of a parent. My oh would be devastated if I believed this to be the case. We love our children equally. I may have had that initial bond happen more quickly but his bond with our children was there within days and I know he'd sooner die than put them in harms way. Bottom line is I TRUST my oh and HIS judgement as well as my own.
> 
> EDITClick to expand...


----------



## special_kala

Nice edit!


----------



## weewdy

special_kala said:


> Nice edit!

Thanks at least i can admit it sounded a bit harsh. Hence the reason i removed it. Sorry if it offended


----------



## highhopes19

weewdy said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> Nice edit!
> 
> Thanks at least i can admit it sounded a bit harsh. Hence the reason i removed it. Sorry if it offendedClick to expand...

What was that comment supposed to mean anyway :wacko: so because I hate my mil (with good reason Aswell ) I'm not in a loving steady relationship :wacko:


----------



## Dk1234

She admitted it was wrong. I think we're getting off topic. I'm sure she just meant in a living relationship compromise is important.


----------



## jenfirstbaby

I haven't read through the comments because, well quite frankly I can't be arsed and I know there's probably arguing somewhere... But I want to give my input...

I felt exactly the same as you, OP. I would have quite happily left my lo with my own mum, and not my OH! Actually I still feel more comfortable if my mum has her (me and oh have split, he doesn't do over nights etc) but anyway... 

I think the thing with the mil is quite common. I didn't want anyone on my ohs side babysitting for the first few months. Mainly because I don't know them well, and mil would make suggestions about giving her rusks in her bottle etc. I know she probably wouldn't have done anything like this tho without asking. 

It wasn't until recently that I feel ok about letting her go. Now that me and her dad have split, he takes her on a saturday. At first I was terrified but now im not too bad, and I actually look forward to a few hours to myself. 

My mil has now looked after her on her own for about 4 hours. I was worried leaving her then too but it went quite well. I still wouldn't let anyone have her over night tho.

Your baby is still really young so its no wonder you don't want to have anyone baby sit. Its a natural feeling to have and im sure as time goes on you will feel more comfortable with it. :thumbup:


----------



## weewdy

highhopes19 said:


> weewdy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> Nice edit!
> 
> Thanks at least i can admit it sounded a bit harsh. Hence the reason i removed it. Sorry if it offendedClick to expand...
> 
> What was that comment supposed to mean anyway :wacko: so because I hate my mil (with good reason Aswell ) I'm not in a loving steady relationship :wacko:Click to expand...

No it was nothing to do with hating mils. 

It was the debate on whether mothers have more say than the fathers over their babies because they gave birth to them.


----------



## mummylove

I can understand that u dont want to leave ur baby but shes not just urs she is ur OHs to and a bit unfair. As ur MIL ever done anything to hurt u offend u etc


----------



## Wobbles

Member edited a comment she knew quickly was wrong so let's not drag it on. It may not have been a moment of thinking before submitting but she did remove it fast, not something everyone would do!


----------



## kittylady

My baby is 11 weeks tomorrow. I have left her alone for over an hour for the first time today it ended up being 5 and a half but I ha an exam so no choice. I cried as i drove away. I totally understand you dont want to leave her with your MIL. The dog would be the biggest problem for me. I have cats but I'm really careful with them, I love them to bits but any animal can be a danger to a baby. Some people refuse to believe that their fur babys might ever be a danger but its true.

My MIL is pushing 70 and has arthritus in her hands and she said she wants to have her with hubbys brother. I dont trust his brother as far as I can throw him. Ten years ago he attacked his mum and nan. I know thats a long time ago but hes manipulative, tempremental and jelous and I have this fear he'd do something to her.:cry: So both of us agree its not for the best. 

However I agree if she was capable then it would only be fair to let her look after my baby. I hope I'm capable to look after my sons kids if i have a son as ellie wont be my last.


----------



## mummylove

When both my kids where young i left them with OHs family as they are the only family i have close till my family move here in 3 weeks. MY MIL and FIL are great we have are moments with eachother but i would never stop them wanting to watch their grand kids as they are as much mine as they are my OHs


----------



## Amber4

My little girl will never be left with MIL. Something which OH has always said even before I was pregnant. We have agreed she can stay when LO asks which we doubt as MIL doesn't give a crap about LO tbh. It's very sad though as my Nan (Dad's Mum) was my best friend and I loved her to bits! Her house was my second home! I do think if nothing serious has happened to make you feel this way then you should try talking about it, compromising and so on. Just because you don't like MIL doesn't mean your LO won't. A few hours won't harm LO. If I was left with a 7 week old baby I know I'd pick them up! Not to break a routine but because they needed me. I do agree about the weetabix but maybe printing out guidelines and showing her might make her realise. Last time I saw my MIL she told me to put sugar in her bottle to help her poo. When I told her why I wouldn't do that she did get it tbh and acknowledged what I said x


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## neadyda

I don't feel comfortable with my IL's watching my kids.... I suffer from anxiety and panics attacks and OH sees how bad I get... i dont trust them 100%. only person i trust with them 100% (apart from OH) is my mum. and he knows it and trusts her 100% too, more then his own parents. So he never ever pushes me to be uncomfortable in a situation just so his parents can look after the children because he respects my feelings as a person/the mother of his children/his fiancé.

So OP don't do anything YOU don't feel comfortable with x


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## MrsHedgehog

At the end of the day the most important thing is LOs well being. OP, if you genuinely don't trust MIL then don't leave LO with her. Are you all suggesting the she should leave her baby with someone she doesn't trust just to keep OH happy? I have lots of issues with my MIL not respecting my wishes when it comes to LO. I never left LO with her when she was so little (I never left her with anyone apart from DH until she was much older). It's taken time for us to build a relationship and now MIL watches LO twice a week while I'm at work. I still have some trust issues and would still be happier leaving LO with my own mum. I know that my own mum wouldn't go behind my back and do something I wasn't happy with. However, my mum lives in another country and LO is happier with MIL than at a nursery so we're doing what we have to do. Luckily DH shares my worries and doesn't fully trust his mum either. He even suggested we hide a camera somewhere to check up on what she's doing when we're not there! It was actually me who said that would be going a bit OTT! 

As for the argument about who has more say, mum or dad, I must say that I agree I have a little more say over certain things. DH and I are equal as parents and make decisions together, however, I know LO better than anyone so generally I get the final word. Mostly DH and I agree but if we ever differ then usually it's me who gets the casting vote. For example, there was a while when DH wanted to try CIO and I refused. In the end he agreed with me but I would never have allowed him to use CIO just to give him his equal say. If my DH had an issue with something I was doing then I'd obviously listen to him and we'd discuss it. If he wasn't happy about me leaving LO with somebody then I wouldn't do it. We parent together, we listen to each other and respect each others opinions. DH would never force me to do something with LO I didn't feel comfortable with.


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## aliss

OP's baby is still very young, 7 weeks. I think a lot of these issues will just take time to resolve, so they can both get used to their new roles. OP, have you actually sat down with her over a coffee and had a heart-to-heart? I know that is much more terrifying with an MIL than your own mother (for obvious reasons) but it really REALLY helped us repair everything (I think my boy was 6 weeks). I know it's easier said than done, but I would recommend clearing the air.


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## devon_91x

I knew people would disagree with me but i didnt mean to cause arguments. The reason i dont want my MIL to babysit is because she hasnt spent enough time with my LO to make me trust her. Once she has shown me that she can follow my rules (because at the end of the day she is MY baby so i want my rules followed. I would never look after someones baby and do what i please) then she can watch her. To everyone that said i dont want her in my LOs life, thats not the case at all. In fact we are going on holiday with them in March. I wouldnt be going if i didnt want a relationship between them. But the thing that ticks me off is that my MIL thinks there is a competition going on between her and my mum, which is ridiculous. My mum is fine about the fact we are going away with OHs family. But we are going on holiday with my family in July. When my MIL found out she got upset and walked out of my house. I wish she would see sense and realise that Darcey can have 2 nans without having to compete to be "favourite".

The reason i see myself as the "main" parent is because sometimes i feel like a single parent. Of course i find being a parent stressful, but i enjoy doing it. I enjoy changing her and getting up for night feeds. My OH acts as if its a chore. Just this morning i asked him to change her nappy whilst i make a bottle. He acts as though i just sit there and do nothing. He assumes because he works full time and im on maternity leave, i should do everything, which is unfair. I have tried to speak to him about this and he thinks im trying to argue, so its easier to just keep it to myself, or come on here a rant lol! Of course i 10000% respect his opinions as a parent and i know he loves our daughter to pieces, but i feel as tho he would rather sit and play xbox whilst i do everything. When i take LO for a walk to get fresh air, he hardly ever comes. He sits indoors playing Xbox and i take her out. Would you not feel like the "main" parent if this was your situation. I always bath her, he never offers. I even switched to formula feeding so he could help feed her. He gives her maybe 1 bottle a day. I always play with her on the play mat. I always get up for night feeds. He would rather lay there until she is screaming before he gets up. This is why my views are what they are.


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## AP

Oh Hun :hugs: I think you need to talk to him about spending time together as a new family. jeez our Xbox hasnt been touched for two years until only recently when the girls are in bed.


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## MummytoSummer

Sometimes men can need quite a bit of encouragement in the early days and reassurance that they're doing things the 'right' way with such a young baby. I know my oh was scared stiff he'd hurt her by holding her wrong, he was way to scared to bath her without my help. Even now as much as he's a hands on dad I do 99% of feeds and nappy changes with our youngest (she's now 8 months). 

Don't just expect that he should 'get it' the same way you did. Next time you want him to do a feed or change or bath her then sit with him and encourage him. Say things like 'see, she loves having her daddy feed/change/bath her'.

Maybe next time you need something from the shops go by yourself, leave your oh with your lo for an hour or so, perhaps even leave them at one of her feed times so that he will have to get on with it. Chances are he'll be just fine and probably also realise that watching a baby isn't quite as easy as he thinks. I think it's true that no matter who you are until you've been left alone with a baby for a significant amount of time you really are never prepared for how much work is involved. It's not surprising really that men assume we get to sit around all day. Give him the chance to see it from your perspective. 

I found my oh was much more willing to help once I stopped nagging him and instead started encouraging him and reassuring him he was a brilliant dad. 

Like I said I still do 99% of things with my girls as my husband works long hours etc but even so there's no way I think of myself as the 'main' parent. They are just as much his and his responsibility. If I was in your situation and my oh wanted his mum to babysit (baring in mind I hate my mil) then i would agree on the grounds that we together sit down with his mum and go through our routine with the girls and our rules. First and formost I know my oh loves our girls just as much as I do and he would never place them with someone who would harm them intentionally. Secondly he trusts his mum, who am I to take that away and say well sorry, you trusting her isn't enough. I trust his judgement. He trusts mine. If I say my mum is capable of looking after our girls, he won't argue with me. If he had issues with my mum then I know him well enough to know he would tell me and again we'd sit down with my mum and go through whatever his issues were.
One way or another we'd sort through it so that neither one of us was being undermind and felt we had no say.

If you have issues with the fact your mil doesn't know your lo as well as your own mum, then the best way to remedy that is letting them spend time together. What better way to start with than letting her watch lo for a couple of hours while you and your oh get some time off. It'll be around your lo's bed time or evening routine so if you timed it so that your lo was fed already, all your mil would have to do is be there incase she wakes up! Chances are she wouldn't have to do anything at all except maybe pick her up to settle her if she cries. You can't expect her to know her better without giving her the opportunities like you do with your own mum. Although there shouldn't be competitiveness between your mil and your mum, your mil could feel a bit pushed out especially if she knows you've left your lo with your mum but refuse to with her.

Either way I hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.

X


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## Dk1234

I agree. She may feel like it is a little competitive because she knows your mother is getting alone time with the LO. Also, I'm a SAHM for the most part but I would never consider myself the main parent. Do I do more, directly yes. But providing for your family is important and valid too. Look at it like this, what if he said the money was more his because he is the one making it right now. Not really fair or true. That being said, men often have to rise to expectations. If you let him sit and play Xbox of course that's what he will do. My dh would hardly ever get up and do something if he thought I would do it. I agree with encouragement. Make him feel like he is doing a good job and that he is appreciated. Also, ask him to do a certain bottle a day or all baths. My dh does every bath unless he isn't home. 

About mil, I honestly think its unfair to assume she would go behind your back and do something you specifically said not too. Very few people would do this. Before my in laws watch LO I give a specific routine to follow and a couple rules. The woman has raised children herself so even though we as mothers feel like no one is good enough, in reality I'm sure she is. And she loves your LO. Nursery workers don't. You should remember that this little person is part of her.


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## KiwiMOM

I felt the same way, I actually told my OH how I felt and it really upset him that I didn't want to go on a date with him for that reason and because my MIL is lovely. I just took the plunge tbh. Told myself I'd take baby steps, walks around the block together, a few hours for a movie and I'm now starting to feel more at ease with her.


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## _jellybean_

Your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to them. I still disagree with the "main parent" point that you made though. 

I think you really need to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. It's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with his lo, and he may very well come to regret it one day. 

Have you thought of couple's counseling?


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## lesleyann

At the end of the day of your not ready your not ready.. My MIL only looks after the kids after we have exhausted all other options normally. I say normally the mum should get to decide she's normally the main care giver knows her baby best and knows the routine. 

Every time my mil has watched my son she breaks a rule, so because of that she is last point of call... They moan we never go there buy yet they never come here, and that's because they know in my house I am boss where as at theirs there is not much I can do.


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## Liesje

Just because someone does all the "work" doesn't mean that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children. 
How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?


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## jenfirstbaby

I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry:) with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,. 

One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat :dohh: god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.


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## _jellybean_

jenfirstbaby said:


> I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry:) with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,.
> 
> One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat :dohh: god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.

That's so sad hon.


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## lesleyann

Liesje said:


> Just because someone does all the "work" that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
> How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?

He is the main and only breadwinner in our house so yes he does get final say if he want to upgrade the tv package or mobile contracts. I tell him what shopping we need he pays, I pick out stuff to buy for the house he pays...

He says its up to me who looks after the kids and will ask if I'm really sure before we leave the kids with anyone.


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## jenfirstbaby

_jellybean_ said:


> jenfirstbaby said:
> 
> 
> I don't think doing everything at home makes U the 'main parent'... But id defo say there is usually one parent who makes most decisions. For us, its me. I moved out and took lo with me. Her dad sees her 3 times a week, and is usually in a hurry to give her back cos he doesn't know what to do with her. He doesn't have nappies/wipes etc at his house, don't think its even crossed his mind. When I hand her over I have to hand over my pink lining bag cry:) with bottles, nappies, wipes, and milk powder already in a dispenser. As well as steralised spoons and dummies,.
> 
> One time he brought her back with a soaking wet nappy, even though when I dropped her off I told him she was due a nappy change. His reason was that id forgotten to put in the changing mat :dohh: god knows what he would do if I didn't do it all for him.
> 
> That's so sad hon.Click to expand...

I know, he really is clueless. When I left him he argued saying he wanted to see her every day, that 3 times a week wasn't enough etc. But now that its been a while he doesn't even ask to see her extra days and he doesn't keep her very long when he does have her. Last weekend he picked her up at 11ish and text me around 2 saying let me know when ur home and il bring her back. He hasn't given me any money since I left, about 2 and a half months ago. I went to asda with him once and he did pay for her formula and nappies., that's about the only time since she was born and shes almost 5 months. Hes never asked me 'does Jessica need anything'. :shrug:


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## devon_91x

Update! Let MIL babysit on Wednesday night for 3 hours whilst we went cinema. But she came to our house which suited me better. LO was asleep the whole time anyway which was good. But now she seems to think she can demand to babysit when she wants which is what i was worried about. Shes saying she wants LO to go over to hers Sunday morning now for the day, but me and OH don't even have plans so why would i need a babysitter? Plus Sunday is OH's day off so the one day we get to spend the day together as a family, and she wants to babysit. I appreciate maybe she thinks we would like the day to ourselves, but id rather LO with us. OH seems to agree with her, arghh.


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## KiwiMOM

devon_91x said:


> Update! Let MIL babysit on Wednesday night for 3 hours whilst we went cinema. But she came to our house which suited me better. LO was asleep the whole time anyway which was good. But now she seems to think she can demand to babysit when she wants which is what i was worried about. Shes saying she wants LO to go over to hers Sunday morning now for the day, but me and OH don't even have plans so why would i need a babysitter? Plus Sunday is OH's day off so the one day we get to spend the day together as a family, and she wants to babysit. I appreciate maybe she thinks we would like the day to ourselves, but id rather LO with us. OH seems to agree with her, arghh.

I felt the same after I gave with the walks around the block, it was like "ok now I can do what I want with your baby". You don't want her to feel like "fine you can babysit but ONLY when I say so" is your attitude (even if it is). I'd explain that Sunday doesn't work for you, but if she wants to do something with LO some other time that might be ok?

just a suggestion :flower:


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## shorman

Soph n Chris said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> The op is allowed to dislike her mil and not trust her.
> 
> And as for trusting her own mum more....well obviously! Most women are closer to their mums so go to them and trust them, some of that comes down to the fact we can say to our own mums no a hell of a lot easier.
> 
> We have different relationships with different people. That's life.
> 
> The mil has clearly done something to make the op feel like this. It's great some people have good relationships with their mil and its incredible sad that some wonderful women never got the chance to be mil's but that doesn't mean everyone else to suck it up and do things their not comfortable with.
> 
> I am the primary carer. I look after then 80% of the time so yes my opinion is a bit more valid then the girls dad. Men don't understand what its like to be a mother.
> 
> Wow how selfish you have no more say than the dad at all in my opinion you both made that child together just because you might look after your LO more does not give your the right to think your opinion is more valid, in my realationship we are 100% equal parents if we disagree we talk an dcomorise to something we both accept and are happy with, you say dads don't get what its like to be a mother but I agree with lady in we don't no what it's like to be a dadClick to expand...


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## Irish Eyes

lesleyann said:


> Liesje said:
> 
> 
> Just because someone does all the "work" that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
> How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?
> 
> He is the main and only breadwinner in our house so yes he does get final say if he want to upgrade the tv package or mobile contracts. I tell him what shopping we need he pays, I pick out stuff to buy for the house he pays...
> 
> He says its up to me who looks after the kids and will ask if I'm really sure before we leave the kids with anyone.Click to expand...

I would be really pissed off if my hubby ever felt that he had the final say in anything financial just because he's currently earning the money. Just like he would be (rightly) pissed off if i ever felt I had the final say when it comes to LO. We're 50/50 on everything. If he ever used the phrase "It's my money" then he'd know exactly where he could shove it - not that he ever would.

I'm looking after LO which enables him to work full time without paying for childcare. He works full time which enables me to stay home with LO and not worry about money. This doesn't give either of us the right to the final say in anything


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## lesleyann

Irish Eyes said:


> lesleyann said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Liesje said:
> 
> 
> Just because someone does all the "work" that they're the "main parent". I do all of the work because my OH is never home. He's never once woken up with him, changed a diaper or even fed him, because he works and I don't. I don't really think that makes me the "main parent" or have any higher deciding power regarding our children.
> How would you feel if he decided he was the "main breadwinner" and started making the financial decisions?
> 
> He is the main and only breadwinner in our house so yes he does get final say if he want to upgrade the tv package or mobile contracts. I tell him what shopping we need he pays, I pick out stuff to buy for the house he pays...
> 
> He says its up to me who looks after the kids and will ask if I'm really sure before we leave the kids with anyone.Click to expand...
> 
> I would be really pissed off if my hubby ever felt that he had the final say in anything financial just because he's currently earning the money. Just like he would be (rightly) pissed off if i ever felt I had the final say when it comes to LO. We're 50/50 on everything. If he ever used the phrase "It's my money" then he'd know exactly where he could shove it - not that he ever would.
> 
> I'm looking after LO which enables him to work full time without paying for childcare. He works full time which enables me to stay home with LO and not worry about money. This doesn't give either of us the right to the final say in anythingClick to expand...

My Dh has never said "It's my money".. what works for us would not work for others, I'm happy being at home and think that because he does work bloody hard at work 6 days a week then if he wants to have more tv channels or upgrade his Iphone as long as it does not take money from the kids then his free to do it. We have never had a situation yet where his told me no I cannot spend on something and likewise to him apart from when he is being crazy and says he wants to buy a 1.5k tv when we don't have the money lol

I know the kids best as I'm with them 24/7 where as he gets 2hours a day from coming home to them in bed Mon-Fri and 6hours on a Saturday and all day Sunday. I'm the one who gets them up and has set up a routine, I know when we have breakfast/lunch/dinner I know the foods my son will say he does not like just to get sweeties when he does infact like them.. so as the main care giver its my routine with the kids that are screwed if MIL messes it up, it wont affect Dh but it will me as I will be the one dealing with moody/overtired/hyper etc children


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## Katy Bug

I left my 5 week old with my fil and my husbands step mom who I also consider my mil and I love get more than my real mil. The date was much needed. You may be a parent but so is your OH. Let him take you out. Being around baby 24/7 every single day is enough to make you go crazy. I don't like my real mil either but I know I'm eventually going to have to get over not liking her and just let her babysit. Eventually it has to happen or some strain is going to happen.


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## AlyssaGW

devon_91x said:


> No it's nothing to do with money at all, and tbh i am looking into seeing if i can afford/get help with nursery fees so that my LO can go to nursery rather than have my mum and MIL look after her.
> 
> I know nobody is trying to be critical but im assuming that you probably have a MIL who you get on well with and have never looked down on you as a parent and condesended you?
> 
> This is a woman who made me feel bad for formula feeding and told the rest of OHs family that i stopped breast feeding which made me feel like sh*t. She let herself into my flat whilst in was in hospital (bare in mind ive asked for the key back!) to change my bed sheets and took my washing home - which included my dirty underwear, rude, no? :growlmad: Then told OHs family she was doing my washing because i couldnt do it myself. Shes constantly slates my mum for no reason and makes bitchy remarks about my 15 YEAR OLD sister :dohh: Also when she was a few days old i walked into the garden to find she had taken a bottle out and started to feed her, without asking me. For the first few weeks i wanted me and OH to be the only ones that fed her, so we could get that "bond". To feed my baby without even asking is just rude.
> 
> And yeah before anyone says it, i completly agree that my reasons for not letting her babysit are because i have an issue with her, rather than worry about my child being with her. I would never stop her having contact with my daughter, but at the moment i just dont want her to be alone with her. When, and if, she looks after my LO when i go back to work, she will be 9 months by then and hopefully my feelings would have changed. Plus my LO will be alot older and i will (hopefully) feel more comfortable leaving her with babysitters.


I completely understand. My husband loves my MIL more than me and it has caused HELL in our marriage. Hd even kicked me out bcuz I refused to sleep with him once bcuz of it and as soon as that happened, she moved in to take my place. He's disgraced me for her and even told me he regrets marrying me and she has told him to divorce me. For this reason, I want nothing to do with her. However, we've been trying counseling and trying to worknitboug and I just found out I'm pregnant. My first thought was..."I CANNOT let her near my child". I'm genuinely scared to let her around him/her bcuz I just feel like she will interfere like she did in the marriage. It's purely based on my fear of her being allowed in with my child the way she was allowed into my marriage and the damage she could do to my relationship with my child. 
She owns a basic school, so clearly she's good with children, but I don't want her to brainwash my child into thinking she's better than me or have him/ her running to her instead of me. So I am with you 100%. If she's intrusive, she needs to be cut off or she will push her way in more and more until she's fully able to replace you in your child's life.


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## mom2pne

As a grandma I will be mad if I am told that I couldn’t watch my grandson. In fact it happened within the last 2 weeks. My grandson will be here soon. I would have liked to have had more sitters for my kids, but I only had my mother-in-law and my oldest after my twins came because he turned 12 only 6 days after babies #3 and #4 arrived. And I only had him watch his brothers if I had to go to appointments or run to the store quick. My boys are 26, 24, 14, 14, and 11.


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