# Happy 1st birthday Zane *pg mentioned*



## 3xscharmer

Well, here it is, Zane's first birthday. A year ago today was the worst day of my life and I'm still not sure how I should feel. I am kinda teary eyed and sad writing this so I know that I have feelings, but I think I may be holding back because I'm pregnant with 3 little boys and I don't want to put anymore stress on this already high risk pregnancy. I still miss my little boy so much, though I know I wouldn't have the triplets if he'd have survived but that doesn't make it any easier, although I do feel that this pregnancy has helped heal me some. This still feels like a really bad nightmare, I still feel like it didn't really happen, that it was all just a crappy dream and I'll wake up any minute. I'm still all jumbled up with my emotions, I still cry for no reason, I still have bad days, but I have good days too. DH and I are going to do a balloon release with DD today to celebrate his birthday...we're going to do it here at the house and I'm not sure if we'll say anything aloud, that's really hard for me, I don't want to fall apart.

*edited to add* - our balloon ceremony wasn't very ceremonious, DH brought home three balloons, one for each of us and we all went outside and DD asked what we were doing to do, I told her we were going to let our balloons go, she asked why and I told her they were for her baby brother Zane in heaven...then I fell apart, I was crying too hard to really say anything and then DH let his balloon go and DD steady chatted about them while I continued to fall apart (she's not quite three so she doesn't understand) I finally just let mine go, I don't even think I said anything in my head, I was crying too hard and figured that the tears say more than my words ever could. Maybe next year I'll have it more together.


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## Xpecta

:hugs: I can't even imagine what you've gone through. I've had early miscarriages, and those are hard enough! Sending you lots of love and hugs on this day! I hope the best for you and your family!


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