# lost at 18 weeks



## nic0le

My husband and I went for our 18 week checkup 2 weeks ago. We were so excited to hear our little bundles, strong heart beat again. We even brought our son in this day so he could join in our joy.

The Dr was playing around with the dobbler for about 10 mins, with a digruntled look on her face, and advised us, she wasnt able to hear any heart beat, but that would just mean the baby has his back faced to us.

My heart dropped & my husband lost all color to his face. We knew what this could mean. We jumped straight into the car and were off to the hospital for the emergency ultrasound the Dr was sending us for.

Because our son is under 12, I had to go into the ulrasound alone. I was watching our bundle on the black and white screen, and I knew something wasnt right at this point. The tech stood up, handed me a box of tissue, lowered the bed & advised me "honey, I wasnt able to find a heartbeat". Got up, and left the room. I was alone, starring at my baby who had passed. I was devistated.

Moments later, my husband was brought into the room, we were then shuffled into another room where a Dr had explained that because I was so far alone (18 weeks) I would have to have an operation, a D&E/C.. This was a Wed morning, and we were told the operation would be Friday morning & then just like that we were sent home.

I felt so confused, and numb. I had no idea that the life inside of me had left me. The Drs over the next few days confirmed that the loss had happened aprox. 2 weeks before this date, and I had shown no signs. I had no idea. The life I was so excited to bring into this world and love, was now gone, and I had no choice in the matter.

The next 2 days, we attempted to live life the best abbility we could for our son, until Friday came along.

Post-op was fun. Being asked a million times "so Nicole, how far along were you exactly"? How do you even answer that question? I was 18 weeks along, but the Drs were telling me the baby passed at around 15 weeks. I declined to answer the question after being asked 3 times. Then to ask me to read and sign a sheet of paper that included a question "any chance of pregnancy?" .. I couldnt handle this anymore.

The D&E/C went as well as expected, however the last 2 weeks have been really hard. Ive been experiencing complications. I have a blood clot forcing my cervix to stay open. Im on meds to see if it will help me pass it, but its like Im living this nightmare over and over again. 

When will this pain get easier? Im told by those who know, that I should concider myself lucky that I was able to have a baby already. That I should "take this has a blessing". I secretly feel like the only people who deserve to feel this pain and greif, are the people who tell me that I should concider this a blessing. 

Help..

-Mom of 1, lost our baby to be at 18 weeks, on September 12th, 2012


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## foxykins

im so sorry to hear about ur loss :hugs: and although is doesnt seem like it will get better time is a great healer. ive suffered from a mc and at that moment in time it felt like no one else was on my wave length. and as for anyone sayin it was a blessin well thats certainly not a great nor helpful thing to say but some people really just dont know what to say so they say the first thing that comes out of thier mouth. :hugs:


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## majored

nic0le said:


> My husband and I went for our 18 week checkup 2 weeks ago. We were so excited to hear our little bundles, strong heart beat again. We even brought our son in this day so he could join in our joy.
> 
> The Dr was playing around with the dobbler for about 10 mins, with a digruntled look on her face, and advised us, she wasnt able to hear any heart beat, but that would just mean the baby has his back faced to us.
> 
> My heart dropped & my husband lost all color to his face. We knew what this could mean. We jumped straight into the car and were off to the hospital for the emergency ultrasound the Dr was sending us for.
> 
> Because our son is under 12, I had to go into the ulrasound alone. I was watching our bundle on the black and white screen, and I knew something wasnt right at this point. The tech stood up, handed me a box of tissue, lowered the bed & advised me "honey, I wasnt able to find a heartbeat". Got up, and left the room. I was alone, starring at my baby who had passed. I was devistated.
> 
> Moments later, my husband was brought into the room, we were then shuffled into another room where a Dr had explained that because I was so far alone (18 weeks) I would have to have an operation, a D&E/C.. This was a Wed morning, and we were told the operation would be Friday morning & then just like that we were sent home.
> 
> I felt so confused, and numb. I had no idea that the life inside of me had left me. The Drs over the next few days confirmed that the loss had happened aprox. 2 weeks before this date, and I had shown no signs. I had no idea. The life I was so excited to bring into this world and love, was now gone, and I had no choice in the matter.
> 
> The next 2 days, we attempted to live life the best abbility we could for our son, until Friday came along.
> 
> Post-op was fun. Being asked a million times "so Nicole, how far along were you exactly"? How do you even answer that question? I was 18 weeks along, but the Drs were telling me the baby passed at around 15 weeks. I declined to answer the question after being asked 3 times. Then to ask me to read and sign a sheet of paper that included a question "any chance of pregnancy?" .. I couldnt handle this anymore.
> 
> The D&E/C went as well as expected, however the last 2 weeks have been really hard. Ive been experiencing complications. I have a blood clot forcing my cervix to stay open. Im on meds to see if it will help me pass it, but its like Im living this nightmare over and over again.
> 
> When will this pain get easier? Im told by those who know, that I should concider myself lucky that I was able to have a baby already. That I should "take this has a blessing". I secretly feel like the only people who deserve to feel this pain and greif, are the people who tell me that I should concider this a blessing.
> 
> Help..
> 
> -Mom of 1, lost our baby to be at 18 weeks, on September 12th, 2012

Hi, im so very sorry to hear what you have gone through. :cry: The stories on this thread make me cry quite often. Alot of the time women blame themselves and get angry, we just want an answer to why this has happened. Your memories will allways be there but the pain will get easier in time. 

like you i lost my baby at 18 weeks last Dec. I was lucky to get pregnant in the first place as my partner has problems. It was a real big shock to me as we thought it would never happen. I bleed from 9 weeks onwards i had a hematoma next to the baby. They thought at one stage i had an eptopic pregnancy, then my blood count was two high and it was twins. I lost the hematoma at 15 weeks and i thought it would be the end of it all and i could just carry on with my pregnancy. At 18 weeks my waters broke and 2 days later on the sunday the baby died. I delivered the baby on wed morning at 9.30am. I noticed the cord around his neck and they said that was not the cause of his death. Well it turned out it was the cause and the baby was not getting any use from the placenta. So MOTHER NATURE thought she would put a stop to my pregnancy. 

Use this board to help you as there are many people on here that can help you in all sorts of ways and give you support:hugs: Please dont feel your alone, most people find that talking about it will help.

I still now have my good and bad days. I look at friends with their babies and i think my son Samuel would have been 5 months old now. Since loosing him i have migraines and im having stomach issues which i still havnt sorted out. Everyone tells me its due to loosing the baby and im just stressed. My periods have never been the same but the dr said that can be normal for them to change. 

Please take care :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Pink_Sparkle

I am so so sorry for your loss. You will find this forum really helpful. I know it feels like your world has come crashing down but in time you will get through it. We are all here for you xxx


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## Mahoghani

I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: As I was reading your story I couldn't help being angry for you, it all sounded so much like my own recent experience. I was 16 weeks pregnant when I found out that my baby had passed. Like you, he'd been gone for about two weeks. The doctors induced a miscarriage 4 days later as they told me that a D&E wasn't a good idea because I was so far along. The whole thing was... indescribably awful... And afterward at my check up I had the same experience of being asked questions like "are you pregnant at the moment" and "how far along were you" and "what exactly happened again?" It was like having to live it all over again every time they asked.

I too have an older child. My son is 8 and this has been almost as hard on him as it has on my husband and I. It's hard for him to understand what happened and why it happened. 

:hugs: The women on here have been so wonderful to me. Something about knowing others have gone through similar experiences and being able to vent to people who understand helps. If you ever want to talk or vent or anything - PM me. :hugs:


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## nic0le

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I feel like everyone is looking at me like I should be starting to move on from this, I just cant. Its so nice to hear that Im not alone, because honestly, I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

Wed is my next appointment to see if my cervix has began to close, which hopefully will open the doors for me, to start to accept what has happened. Its just so hard to even begin to accept whats happened, when your constantly reminded of it every few hours, every single day.

Febuary 13th was my due date, and as every day passes & that day draws closer, I feel more and more scared as to the feelings I am going to feel. How have some of you delt with these dates? What are some comforting things my family & I can focus on, on that date?

Thank you all so much again.


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## confused2011

I too delivered my still born son on September 12,2012. I was 24 weeks when we discovered his heartbeat had stopped. The doctor believes it had stopped two days before..Sad that this is the thing that connects us but I am here for you


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## nic0le

i am so very sorry for your loss as well. this date will forever be burned into our minds. i am here for you as well. how are you finding ways to cope?


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## fee32

Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby 2 weeks ago today. I was 18 weeks and had to have him in the house. My waters broke 4 days before i had him but i was hopefull hed be ok as his heart beat was strong and so were his kicks. I feel empty and lonely and really dont know what to do x


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## nic0le

today i feel empty. i swear i can still feel my baby moving inside of me. 
i had to have a second D&C done on friday passed. i cant seem to wake up from this nightmare.

ive had to go to the hospital at least once a week since it happened almost a month ago. my baby is in that hospital, in some lab, being poked at and whatever else, and i cant help them. mommies are supposed to protect their children and even though i know our baby cant feel pain, it hurts to know their there without us.

i dont know how to move on from this...


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## Andypanda6570

nic0le said:


> today i feel empty. i swear i can still feel my baby moving inside of me.
> i had to have a second D&C done on friday passed. i cant seem to wake up from this nightmare.
> 
> ive had to go to the hospital at least once a week since it happened almost a month ago. my baby is in that hospital, in some lab, being poked at and whatever else, and i cant help them. mommies are supposed to protect their children and even though i know our baby cant feel pain, it hurts to know their there without us.
> 
> i dont know how to move on from this...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss :cry::cry:. We don't ever move on from this, we take it day by day and just hope and wish and pray tomorrow will be better. It has been a year and a half since I lost my Ava and things have gotten better, but i still cry on any given day and I think about her every single day. It is a long process to get to some kind of normal, our own special kind of normal. It is made harder by the fact that nobody understands us or that this pain is a life long thing. For people to say you should be over this that means they just don't understand, how could they? I was doing so much better and now my Sister in law announced she is pregnant, we both have 3 boys (Older) she is now 36 weeks and she isn't saying what she is having, but I know it is a girl. I have distanced myself from her a lot, I just don't know how I am going to deal with this birth. I have come to far in my pain to go to a dark place again when this baby comes. I just have to try and take things one day at a time, I wish you gentle days ahead and be gentle on yourself. In time it does get better but it never leaves and that is the scary thing of all this.
XOXOX Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dizzy65

:hugs:


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## majored

nic0le said:


> today i feel empty. i swear i can still feel my baby moving inside of me.
> i had to have a second D&C done on friday passed. i cant seem to wake up from this nightmare.
> 
> ive had to go to the hospital at least once a week since it happened almost a month ago. my baby is in that hospital, in some lab, being poked at and whatever else, and i cant help them. mommies are supposed to protect their children and even though i know our baby cant feel pain, it hurts to know their there without us.
> 
> i dont know how to move on from this...

After i lost my son, i hated leaving him on his own. I felt just like you I was ment to protect him and keep him safe. Then i had to deliver him and he was taken away and then he was on his own with nobody to look after him or care for him like a mum should. 

It takes time to sort things out in your head. You will have a mixture of feelings and thoughts. It will be a year this Dec for me i still have my low days but as time goes on your find you have more good times than bad times. Its not that you will never forget whats happened its just at the moment its all you will think about. Please give yourself time. 

Use this thread to help you, there are plenty of ladies on here that can help in many ways.

please take care xx


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## cp255

Im sorry for your loss although its no consolation. I hoping the coming days are not too difficult for you :( x


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## mummyto3

im so sorry for your loss and the way u were treayted just isnt fair massive husg to ua ll x rip angel x


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## Mommatobe2013

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know this feeling all to well as I lost my angel Zaira at 19 weeks this past May. People can be so insensitive and not even realize it. While it is unfortunate that some people can be so ignorant just know that God will see you through this loss. When I lost my daughter a piece of me went with her and my life was changed forever. You will never get over it but you will learn to cope and get through it. Praying for your strength and comfort.

Blessings and Hugs


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