# I'm new on here and would like to share my story.



## iloveblue

Hello everyone

We lost out baby on Friday afternoon. 

It was all very quick (thankfully). I had been having period pains for a couple of days and was advised that this was normal and to take some paracetemol. Thursday evening these pains turned into what felt like mini-contractions (my 3rd baby so I recognised the pain) - I was up all night in pain, made two more phonecalls and ended up on labour ward at 9am yesterday morning.
I was scanned and no heartbeat was detected.
I was given the pill to induce labour at about 12 and told to go home as it could take 48 hrs. Went home for an hour to grab some stuff - then straight back into hospital where baby was born an hour or so later. I am 99% convinced I was already in labour as it was so quick.

We decided not to see the baby - and were back home that night. I was 20 weeks.

No idea why this happened - lots of blood tests and swabs taken.

Looking back I was amazingly calm on Friday - it didn't feel real, at times I thought I was about to wake up and it was all a bad dream. Since I got home it has been much harder - have cried so much I can't physically cry anymore at the moment. DH has been amazing - as well as the rest of my family. We have two boys aged 4 and 6 - had no problems with either of these pregnancies.

I keep seeing reminders everywhere - just broke down again earlier after seeing the anomaly scan date filled in on calendar, we never made it that far.

I'm also having tremendous feelings of guilt and disloyalty about the fact that we chose not to see the baby (although I know it was the right decision at the time).

I have had a niggling feeling all the way through this pregnancy that something wasn't right - particularly over the last few weeks as I wasn't feeling much(any?)movement. I was finding it hard to commit to things that involved baby plans - eg booking private gender scan, booking holiday during maternity leave etc and I never felt like that when pregnant with my sons.

So many questions and feelings - I felt it might help to write some of them down here. 
I am really keen to chat with others who have gone through this - and I will be doing this in real life too.

Sorry for the long post - thankyou for reading it, if you made it to the end!


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## forgodssake

Didnt wanna read and run but really dont know what to say - am thinking of you and sending :hug:


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## hopes-up-sd

So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. :hugs:


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## babesx3

Massive:hugs:
so sorry you lost your little one....
I lost my baby 7 weeks ago.... for me i found out my baby had died at a routine appointment when they couldn't find HB. so i had a couple of days to research what happens and so was preppared to see my baby once i had delivered. The hospital did say to me theytake pictures of your baby and keep them on file in case u change your mind about seeing your baby. i don't know if your hospital do this , but if u change your mind?
I know its so hard at the moment and grief is so strong..... we have had our baby cremated , had a small service and planted a tree for him. I've found it incredably comforting to have done something for him....
Maybe u could plant a tree, or plant a flower for your baby to remember him?

the first couple of weeks are so hard especially when you have other kids that u have to be strong for.....

we are here if u need to talk XXX

big hugs!!!:hugs:
7 weeks on i am finding it easier to deal with, i still miss him desperatly but he has his place in my heart now..
Be gentle on yourself , its a huge ordeal u have been thru XX


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## kanga

very sorry for your loss x

I havent had a 2nd tri loss but I have had 2 mcs, and can relate to being completely calm at the time of it all happening. And then it hits you like a brick a few days later when the shock has worn off. 

It's all part of the grieving process, I wish you all the best x


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## iloveblue

Thanks for the support *hopes* and *forgodssake* - it really does help writing it all down.

So sorry for your loss also *kanga*.

*babesx3*- I'm so sorry you have gone through this too. The hospital did take photos and they will be in my notes so we do have the option to access them if we want to. They did a set of hand and foot prints which we were'nt ready to take on Friday but are there for us also when we want them. Planting a tree/flower is a lovely idea - I think we will definitely do that. Am also going to put together a little keepsake box with scan pic and a bootie I had made (hadn't got round to making the 2nd one) plus a few other little reminders.

I am feeling a bit better today - more positive. I felt awful yesterday - very down and hopeless and just like I was going through the motions. I was also finding it hard to be around my boys.

I still havn't had any milk coming through yet - does it always happen?

*babesx3* will you be TTC again soon or are you going to leave it for a while?


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## babesx3

Its lovely having a keepsake box. we were given one at the hospital, i've put his cards, scan piccys , footprints etc etc in it. and his pictures, i look at them from time to time when i want to be close to him.....
I cried a lot during the first 2 weeks especially and then gradually less. although i cried every day for almost 7 weeks till his funeral and then it seemed to calm down..almost like as he was at rest i felt better...
we had a post mortem done on charlie as i wanted to know what happened, that took 6 weeks to come back... di u decide on one?
We have started to TTc now. the results from PM showed no reason for his death, which was hard to take on board but it means no reason not to TTC. i don't think i ovulated this month though.. so it may take a while to get back to normal. i bled for the first 3 weeks anyway, then a week off then got AF which stated with3 days of spotting then 5 days bleeed then spotting. so was longer than my usual..
do u plan on TTC? i guess its still very early days. i remember being desperate to be pregnant again after i lost charlie , i just felt so empty. i'm a bit more at ease now, and whilst iwant to be pregnant again i'm trying to trust in mhy body to get pregnant when its ready...
Just take each day as it comes... the first days are soo hard , its such a massive blow... i know i just felt utterly gutted..:cry: i still am , think it just gets easier to deal with...
the hospital gave me tablets to stop milk from coming in, so not sure. it may not :shrug:
take care :hugs:


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## cla

hun iam so sorry hunxxxxx


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## charmed

im so sorry for you loss and hope you can heal and be at rest, you sound like a great mum and very strong i was and still am a mess 1year after loss my beany xxxx


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## janie0

So sorry for all you've been through xo

We have similar stories & I also have a 6 yr old boy. PM me if you'd like to talk. Take care.


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## zimmy

:hugs:


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## dizzy65

so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## iloveblue

Thanks for all the messages of support. It really means a lot.
Would like to hear your story Janie - not sure how to PM people though. 

I am still very up and down at the moment. Felt quite postive yesterday but am feeling very low today.
I still havn't had any milk coming in, and am kind of assuming that it won't now. 

The midwife popped round earlier with an envelope with photos of the baby and it's hand/foot prints.
Can't bring myself to look at them yet - have put them away for now.


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## babesx3

:hugs:
you look at them when you are ready!!
Its really good of them to bring them for you !
:hugs:


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## v2007

I'm so sorry :hugs:

V xxx


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## iloveblue

Thanks v2007

I still havn't looked at them yet - am feeling much stronger today and don't want to bring myself back down.
I know there is no rush and will wait until the time is right.

I was also impressed that the midwife bought them round for me - everyone I've dealt with during this sad time(apart from GP yesterday who wasn't particularly sympathetic) have been absolutely brilliant - the midwives at the hospital were all lovely.


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## twinklestar

:hugs: im sorry :hugs:

sweet dreams little angel :hugs:


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## Laura2919

:hugs: sorry for your loss. I couldnt begin to imagine what it must be like.. take care, sweet dreams to your angel


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## Nosy_Cow

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## Clo

*hugs hun* so sorry for your loss xxx


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## scarletsmum

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have been through similar with a 16 week loss. I was induced too and decided that I didn't want to see the baby after delivery. I just knew that it would be too hard for me and too traumatic. I have this image in my mind of this beautiful little perfect baby and I just want to keep it that way. I know the feeling of guilt, but it really is ok. You have to do whatever seems right for you. No-one else can tell you otherwise and just wanted to offer lots of love.


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## Sunshine.

I am so sorry for your loss

x x


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## Carmello_01

:hugs: I'm so,so sorry


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## wldgreen

It seems like you have had some help and encouraging words along the way. I lost my baby girl September of 2009, (I was20 weeks)I have had a second m/c since then. We decided to stop trying and to get our lives back on track. I too have two healthy boys with no problems durning their preg. After my second loss my doctor did blood work on me, and it turns out I have something called MTHFR. We decided to see our daughter and kept her in the room with us for awhile. We had her cremated and she sits on our tv stand. People say it gets easier and I suppose it does. It took me almost a year before I would hold another baby or buy baby clothes. Her due date was hard, but leading up to her first "birthday" or the day I delivered her was the hardest. I still find myself sad at times when I think of her and how old she would be. I don't think about her every second of every day anymore, so I guess it does get better as time goes on. This website has helped me a lot. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.


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## marnie79

:hugs: im so sorry for the loss of ur baby, i hope the coming days are gentle n u and ur family :hugs:


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## 3rdandlastime

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. 
I am so sorry for your loss! I don't exactly know how ur feeling but I have had losses at 6 weeks and 12 weeks. 
I hope you are taking care of yourself, xxx


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## Clo

So sorry for your loss hun xxx


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## Sweetie

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## MaevesMummy

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Your Story brings tears to my eyes, you have managed to convey the pain in this. Its sad but beautifully written.
I thought I had commented before but I think I pm'd you instead. There are some things where words just can not say.
I hope you are as ok as can be under circumstances xxxxxxxxxx:hugs:


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## secretbaby

So very sorry for your loss. 

I often too felt like it was happening to someone else - and was amazingly calm at points that really I feel I shouldn't have been. Our son was 27 weeks gestation and lived for 4 hours, we did see and hold him but I had alot of guilt about the fact that I didn't hold him enough, take enough photos etc... I know now that this is part of the grieving process, you will not find one mum who has lost a baby (whatever stage) that does not have some guilt about something - and it is always misplaced, and part of grief.

Looking back on it now (our son died in may 09) I can now honestly say we made the decsions that were right at the time. I knew from 20.6 weeks when my waters went that there was a huge chance our baby wouldn't make it but I was not prepared (like you at the end everything happend amazingly quickly). No one ever plans for this - we do the best we can at the time. 

Please give yourself time and please do not feel guilty - you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.


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## iloveblue

Thankyou for all your lovely comments - it seems so long ago that I started this thread. 
Its just over 8 weeks now, but it still hurts everyday. :cry:


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