# Am i being too hard on her? pretty long sorry



## Jo

This might be a bit rambly so please bare or is it bear with me LOL

So it is Emilys 10th Birthday on the 9th Oct and Jacks on the 4th

Being a mean mummy i am i had kind of decided not to do a party for Jack this year and let Emily have a party at home with a sleep over ( heaven help me) and do really girly things, a funked up pass the parcel and stuff, go all out to decorate the rooms etc..

Any one morning last week i mentioned it to her and said she could have 4 people to sleep, 1 on her futon and 3 on airbeds they would just about fir with a bit of rearranging, but guess what this wasn't good enough she wanted 5 to sleep over, she got the lip out when i said no and why etc.. and i must admit to getting rather riled and snapping at her, when that little blip was sorted she then said " well it will be rubbish with HIM here!!!" meaning Jack :shock: because she wouldn't be able to have music loud in her room etc after say 8 o'clock

Well that was it i flipped my lid on her and told her " if it wasn't for HIM not having a party you wouldn't be able to have one like this either"
Anyway to cut quite a long story a bit shorter i have cencelled it and am now not going to do anything for her to celebrate with her friends.


I feel that just lately she has zero respect for me and just expects to gob and gob at me with no consequences what so ever.
I do feel a bit guilty now but i'm not going to back down as to me that is basically saying yeah be a bitch and i'll be cross but i'll get over it

Do you think i have been too hard on her?


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## polo_princess

I cant speak from experience but no i dont think your being too hard on her ... your doing a lot for her to have that party and little Jack wont be getting one so she can have hers.

Unfortunatley its one of those situations where she will have to learn ... if you dont you know its just going to add to her thinking she can have no respect for you as you'll just back down :hugs:


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## ~KACI~

No i don't think your being harsh, you've allowed her 4 thats plenty and like you said its jack making the sacriface, just don't go back on your word because like you said she'll just think your a pushover. I know you probably feel guilty but like PP said its one of those life lessons x


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## Jo

Thanks guys, i though twice about posting this as i didn't want to come across as a bitch to my kids

I just wanna say though that i don't favour Em over Jack as it may seem like that
I just left it too late to arrange 2 parties in 1 week

The other thing that pissed me off is that she kinda knew i would be pushed to do stuff as this was gonna happen on a friday and i help out in school on an afternoon now.
So i was gonna have to get it all ready just me and Jack then whizz to school then back again to get food ready before they all piled in.
I guess i just lost my cool which i'm not proud of but like we said there is no way i can back down now, plus even if i wantd to i couldn't afford now as i have bought Xmas pressies with the money i would have spent LOL :blush:


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## polo_princess

At least she may think twice before she kicks up next time hun, you've done the right thing!!


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## sam's mum

Totally agree with the others - you're not being too hard on her at all. I'm sure she'll learn from it and realise how much effort you were going to for her :hugs: x


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## Mynxie

No, you were having a big event for your daughter and not an event for your son, if she can't respect you well then she doesn't deserve to have a big event if she's just gonna throw it back in your face...hopefully she'll learn her lesson


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## Mamafy

You did the right thing hun:hugs: coincidently your little boy is 1 day older than Joe:cloud9: plus I have a 9 year old too:dohh: so TOTALLy know what you're up against:hissy:

I think parenting is the hardest job (and rewarding) in the world, lots o sh1t (literally :rofl: ) and very little thanks.

I'd have a little family party for her and her brother, no frills just a cake and stuff and hopefully you've taught her a good lesson:hugs:


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## Tilly

I think you are doing the right thing, definitely. She needs to learn the consequences and don't feel bad, we all understand im sure.


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## Eelis

I don't think you did the wrong thing. I would have done exactly the same.

I remember my mum cancelling my planned 16th birthday party because she caught me smoking in the garden (happy days lol). I was so upset but I knew it was going to happen if I got caught so could hardly complain. We still marked my birthday, we went for a family walk down the canal. It was an ok day out (and it meant I wasn't still being punished) but hardly the fun party I had originally been looking forward to!


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## miel

i think the same ...and i do like Mamafy idea..just a little something in family to let her know you love her but she has to learn you are the one making the grown up desicion and not her ...

ps:ah kids! can't wait until i get mine !!LOL


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## Jo

thanks girls, I think we will have a little family tea party or go out for something to eat, i'm not going to ignore her day, but i really do think she has got the message

Mamafy from one stressed mum to another :hugs:


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## Rachiebaby24

I think you have done the right thing and shouldnt back down...she will think twice about moaning and being ungrateful next time sacrificies are made for her....these are all lessons in life!


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## MummyJade

Fair play to you hun, some people i know let their kids walk all over them and mouth at them and then give them sweets! I think you done the right thing i would be the same.. i will not be treating my child if she cant have respect and learn to understand its give and take. xx


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## gummybear

I agree with everyone else.

Also, if your daughter shows true remorse and not "I want it so I'll pretend to be sorry", but "I'm really sorry I argued with you mom", maybe you can sit down with her and talk to her about how it's completely unacceptable but you appreciate her apology and can come to a compromise - say, a sleepover with 2 friends, or a party for a few hours with a few friends but no sleepover. That way she is rewarded for apologizing, but still being punished for what she did and you aren't backing down.


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## Linzi

I have no experience but agree with the others

xxx


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## mBLACK

Just a suggestion is maybe tell her that she can have 4 friends & that's final, and until she starts showing you more respect (and I'm talking longer than a day - two, three weeks maybe) she won't be having a party.


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## TallulahM

Can I be the odd one out? A bit nervous about disagreeing with everyone but....

Whilst your daughters behaviour was not acceptable, she was only expressing her frustrations (about not being able to play music), perhaps in the best way she knew how at the time, and possibly following your lead in the conversation (you mentioned you were a bit snappy).
She is certainly old enough to understand the situation, but she is 10 and pushing her boundaries, trying it on for a 5th friend - she is also still learning about how to best communicate those frustrations and get what she wants, and let's face it, she cocked it up!

I can imagine my kids (8 and 9) behaving in the same way, not sure I would have cancelled the party without speaking with her first and giving her a chance to make amends though...
I would probably have waited until I myself had calmed down, and then explained again, without snapping, why 4 children was enough, and that I appreciate how frustrating it is having to keep the music down, but that there are other people in the house to consider - just as the family has considered her in trading off Jack's party for hers.... it's all about give and take, we can't have everything we want.

I would ask her to think about this and come back to me when she was calm and let me know if she would like to go ahead with a party for 4 children with music turned down or off at X time, or have no party at all. Her reaction afterwards would have then determined my decision as to whether or not to cancel the party...

I should add, that it is so easy for me to say all this, I may have very well reacted the same way as you in this situation, I appreciate kids try our patience sometimes and we make snap decisions and then wonder if it was the right one. I think you came here asking for an honest opinion, so there's mine, hope I didn't offend you....


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## leeanne

I would have done the same, Jo! Sometimes you have to use tough love and although they don't get it now, they some day will. :)

:hug:

I once did something that was unacceptable a few weeks before my 16th birthday. My party was canceled and although it was sad for me, I did get why it happened.


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## Jo

Tallulah i am not offended in the slightest :)
You made some great points thank you, and maybe i should have stayed calmer LOL no maybe about it, i did try to explein the 4 friend rule but she just wouldn't let it go, suppose that is why i flipped

The thing is i suppose this was just the culmination of quite a few attitude strops etc...

I think i may talk to Ant tonight see what he thinks and maybe open it up a little to a couple of friends for tea


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## Jo

leeanne said:


> I would have done the same, Jo! Sometimes you have to use tough love and although they don't get it now, they some day will. :)
> 
> :hug:
> 
> I once did something that was unacceptable a few weeks before my 16th birthday. My party was canceled and although it was sad for me, I did get why it happened.

Ooh i'm fascinated now :lol: are you gonna tell me?


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## x-amy-x

Personally, i would sit her down and have a talk with her. I think that i might compromise with her, she thinks her party is cancelled yeah?

I would tell her that i was unhappy with the way i was spoken to and what you had offered her etc. I would probably allow her maybe 1 or 2 friends over. I think i agree with Tallulah, she is just pushing her boundaries, but it is her 10th birthday. Double figures an everything. It should be special and memorable and hopefully she learned a lesson this time.

But obviously i have no grown up children so i cannot make a knowledgeable suggestion. You know your child and what will and will not benefit her. I know i pushed my limits as a child and my parents often went back on their word but i was generally a good kid. Obviously if she is constantly like this towards you then she needs to learn her lesson.

I also thinks she should share a tea party with jack, he shouldnt have to sacrifice anything bless him... :hugs: Kids can be a handful at times, i was once haha xx


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## JayleighAnn

On the 12th xmas (2 months before my 13th Birthday) I ran away from my mum's house to my dads house, I had asked to go live with my dad after a big family dissagreement with my mum, and she said under no circumstances was I going to live with my dad as he wouldn't be able to provide properly for me (I didn't understand at the time, but I do now) but I got my grand-dad on my dad's side to pick me up anyway. I then expected the nice big sterio for xmas that my mum had promised me, as 12yr old's do! Low and behold, my xmas presents from my mum was a bar of soap, black nail varnish and black eyeliner.

Now clearly this is extreme compared to you'r daughter getting a bit mouthy, but boy oh boy did I learn my lesson as 3 months later I went home crying as my mum was right all along. I got my sterio as she had already bought it, but no doubt if she hadn't, I would not of had it when I moved back home.

So....I think you should stick to your guns, not let her have a sleep over, yes a family tea party, but no friends over, and explain to her exactly why you have done this. 

Good luck :)


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## AppleBlossom

I would have done the same, I don't think you're being harsh at all. Besides which, you've punished her now, if you go back on it now it'll make her think it's ok for her to do it again. I think you should just explain to her why she's being punished, she will soon learn that she can't always have her own way. My sisters are exactly the same with my parents but they hand out punishments but never keep to them and as a result they end up getting away with murder which isn't fair on my mum and dad or them. Good luck!


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## nightkd

I don't think you were being harsh at all. But perhaps now, if she is showing remorse, sit down and ask her if she would still like a party. But make sure she knows it is your house, and therefore your rules.


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## acv_17

I don't think you're being harsh at all...Kids need boundaries and consistency.

Have you asked her(when you both are calmed down of course) why it is so important to have 5? It could be something like she has a group of 5 friends that are equally important to her and she doesn't want the 5th to feel left out...I can see that would be very important to a 10 year old. 

If it's something like that, maybe consider having a party , but no sleepover, as a consequence for her behavior?


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## nightkd

acv_17 said:


> Have you asked her(when you both are calmed down of course) why it is so important to have 5? It could be something like she has a group of 5 friends that are equally important to her and she doesn't want the 5th to feel left out...I can see that would be very important to a 10 year old.
> ?

This is exactly what I was thinking. It might not be that she was 'pushing her boundaries' as much, as thinking that she had 5 friends and didn't want to leave one out, but didn't know how to phrase this, or get the opportunity to explain. You never know!

I was planning a surprise for my mum's birthday when I was about...7(?) it was shortly after my dad left and he was helping me. I was getting excited about it, so I told her (I can't remember exactly what I said) that I was planning something with my dad for her. I told her it was a secret and I couldn't tell her exactly what it was. She started screaming at me and shaking me and I had to admit (cowering in the corner) that I was planning a meal or something for her birthday.

Think she must've been paranoid that my dad was kidnapping me or something (like he'd bother) but as a little kid I obviously phrased it in such a way that got her riled when I thought it was perfectly innocent. 

Obviously this is a bit more extreme than your case!!! But sometimes kids miss out those little details because they don't think they're important, and then don't understand what's got you so angry. So it is worth clarifying with her. :)


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## MissMandieMitz

I don't think it was harsh of you at all.

I have a friend whom I've known almost all my life. When we were younger (around 10 or so) she would push her mom over the edge and her mom would tell her that she was grounded for so long. The next day, her mom would tell her she's not grounded anymore. Thus, my friend would do what she wanted, because she knew her mom wouldn't stick to the punishment she was given.


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## LilFlower08

Ha...what a wonderful topic... i grew up with two extremes.

My dad, who i utterly adore and have to say stick by my "daddy's girl" tag from my OH... he was strict and at times insensitive to how i felt (i thought!!) but now, i look back and he was very boistorous, loud and shouty when he tried to say no to me, he'd struggle to explain why and often use the "because i siad so" line or "my house, my rules" one!! It used to frustrate me so much and i'd get so distressed at time but now i've grown up to realise he had his way of doing things and he was doind it all im MY best interest... he found it hard to "talk" and even harder to "listen" but deep down he always understood. 

My Mum on the other hand (who i adore just as much!)... soft as you like, always gave in (even if it did take some like moaning) and always cleared up the mess when (like she had said) it went rong...
She was never irresponsible she just let me have alot of slack and i loved it, but also new that i shouldnt abuse it... if there was issues she REALLY opposed she'd pass the buck to my dad and hed say no because she couldn't take the dissapointment id get.... so they both had roles and both used to work them acordingly... now i am close to both and appreciate everything they do (or dont do!!!) and realise there reasons.... 

Parenting was never gonna be easy.... but they always tell me that i was the worst one out of me sis... myself ...and my bro!!! Ooops!!

xx


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## LilFlower08

Don't know why i added this bloody history post...ha! but i suppose thats just two ways of perneting iv experience both of which i appreciate late as im sure whichever way you choose your daughter will always appreciate it later! xx


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## enigma

I would probably have gone off on one too if im honest.
Its girls these days, they seem to be born with pmt. My daughter developed an attitude problem as soon as she learned to talk.
Lads are alot more chilled out about things where as girls tend to get a bit tetchy.


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