# Judah



## jennijunni

I was about to leave for my 16 week appointment, I felt like I had a lot of discharge right as I was walking out the door. I went to the bathroom really quickly and saw that it was blood, not a lot just a bit. I had an intense workout right before and though that maybe I had overdone it, though that has never happened before. But I had a deep feeling of dread. I left to go to my MW appointment, with apprehension and fear. 

On the way to the doctors, I live about 30 minutes away, I could feel the dread building. I kept praying (I am a very spiritual person, and my faith is a very large part of my life), and kept praying that I would find peace, and that everything would be okay. I did get the peace I was searching for, but I could not shake that feeling of dread. I got to the appointment, told the receoptionist that I was bleeding a bit, but still waited for about 45 minutes. In the meantime my mind was going 100 miles a minute. 

When I finally went back, I explained what happened, we scheduled my 20 week U/S, and waited for the MW. I mean, what could go wrong, this was my 6th pregnancy, and 5th child, I have had bleeding in other pregnancies and everything was fine. So the MW came in, and started looking for the HB, since my babies tend to attach the placenta to the front of my uterus, sometimes it is hard to find a HB. I was not really worried yet, she then got the U/S machine, and as soon as she put the picture on the screen I knew that my child was gone. He was just laying there, not moving, and I started to get the feeling of dread. SHe said she had to get the doctor because of the way the baby was laying, he came in, did the U/S, and I immediatley started crying, I knew he had died. He had passed quite recently, he was not measuring very behind, and I had just had an U/S at 12 weeks. I was sobbing, and the OB and my MW were holding me, and trying to console me. They explained all that would happen, and what to expect. I wanted to have him at home and not have any medical intervention, and they were in agreeance, since I am so "crunchy" and since things had already started, they knew it would be soon.

So that was a Thursday, that day I was a mess, and could not be consoled. The next day my children, my DH and I planned to go to a church campout. I was not going to spend the night, but my children wanted to so badly, and I wanted them to have a nice evening. I went and enjoyed watching them, and whatnot. I left the campout later in the evening, and brought my youngest baby home with me, she was 16 months at the time. We went home, the bleeding was picking up a bit, but not so bad. I knew that I would actually have to labor, and that was okay with me. I wanted this baby to be brought in the world like I would any of my other children, in a peaceful, quiet, natural way. I had a few more cramps, but they were not bad. I thought I would have him that night or the next day. I layed down for bed.

At 4:00 am I woke up with a large contraction, and got up out of bed, and felt something coming out, I rushed to the bathroom, and placed my hand between my legs so I could catch him, but all that came was a huge blood clot, about the size of my hand. I gave a tiny push, and my water broke, and I delivered him into my hands. I thought that he was going to be a girl, and was surprised to see that he was a boy. I cried and looked at him, and cried some more. I passed some other large clots, and cleaned up, and took care of him. I called my mom, and my DH, and told them that I had had our son. 

Everything seemed fine, for a few minutes anyway. I was sitting on the couch, and felt a large gush of blood, so I got up to go the bathroom, and as I was walking blood was pouring out of me, it was all over the floor. I passed another blood clot which I then thought was the placenta. I changed my clothes again, because they were covered in blood, and sat down again, only to have the exact same thing happen. Blood everywhere. They said there would be blood, but this was a lot of blood. I have a medical background, and went to nursing school, and new something was not right. I called the oncall doctor, she sleepily called back, and I told her I just delivered a 16 week baby, but not sure if I delivered the placenta, she said there would be no placenta, I was like "huh?" Looking back, I realized looking back, she thought I said 6 weeks pregnant. SoI was standing in the bathroom, holding a towel between my legs, and the blood was coming through the towel, all over the floor, in puddles. I was soaking a pad every 3 minutes. I had the thought to go get my DD and nurse her to try to stop the bleeding, but the walk upstairs was so long, and I was starting to feel foggy. I finally got the energy to walk upstairs, got her up, and nursed her, all the while the blood just kept coming, I also was doing uterine massage, but nothing stopped it. I decided to call my mom. My DH was too far away, and he had our other 5 children with him. 

My mom walked into my house, and into the bathroom, where I was frantically trying to clean up all the blood, as I was cleaning it up, it just kept gushing out. I just did not want the littles to see the blood. She said we are going to the ED. At this point I did not care. On the way I soaked another towel, when we got there, it became an emergent situation. I was stripped down, and as I was standing there, a puddle of blood at my feet, the doctors and nurses started IV after IV. I was laying in bed, and the blankets were turning red. I started to get the feeling that I was going to die, I had my mom call my DH and tell him to get there right away. I love my DH so much, and had to see him just one more time. In the meantime the OB came in, who was a total asshole, but that is another story, and he tried to get the placenta out, but could not. My pressure then bottomed out, and I had no blood pressure, I was bleeding to death, and they could not stop it. They could not take me to the OR, because I had already lost so much blood, and if I did go to the OR, I would have died. I was also scared I would have to have a hysterectomy, which I did not want either. I was given 2 or 3 pints of blood in the ER, and was stable enough to go the OR. I was intubated, and they were able to get the placenta rather quickly. My DH got to the hospital just in time, and we were able to see each other, and he gave me a quick blessing.

All in all I lost half of my blood volume. It was the most tramatic thing I have ever gone through. I am fine now, and am healing well now. Physically I am doing well, I still get tired rather easily (this happened June 4), but that is getting better as well. Emotionally, I think I am doing well. I am sad sometimes, but I will not be defined by this. I have 6 living children that need me, and I need to take care of them. We named our 3rd son Judah. He was perfect in everyway. We are TTC now, and hope to be pregnant soon. I know that will heal me, knowing my body can carry another life. Hugs to all of you! While this is by far the most difficult thing I have ever through, it has made me a stonger woman, a woman of purpose, greater faith, and even more determination. Thanks for reading!


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## kimmyttcno3

oh my goodness my lovely, how tramatic for you xxx


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## Mon_n_john

You poor darling. My deepest condolences. I pray that your next pregnancy is healthy and results in a perfect little baby.


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## mum2beagain

im so sorry for your loss and thr traumatic birth of your son :hugs:


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## daopdesign

Hi hun, I delivered my son on the 3rd of June so I know exactly what you went through and what it was like holding such a small and beautiful thing. Did you want to deliver at home instead of hospital? I can only imagine what you went through that night but at least you are well now and coping OK, it does get easier with time. Have you had any reason why this happened? xx


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## Andypanda6570

:cry: I am so deeply sorry, I also delivered my daughter in my bathroom at 18 weeks. It was a nightmare at the time , but I will forever grateful that I got to hold her and bury her. For me it was the best way to go I didn't want a medical termination. I know what you are going through and i am here if you ever need a friend. What we have been through it is just terrible but the toll it takes on our heart is another story. To remember is painful to forget is impossible :cry::cry::cry::cry: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## jennijunni

daopdesign said:


> Hi hun, I delivered my son on the 3rd of June so I know exactly what you went through and what it was like holding such a small and beautiful thing. Did you want to deliver at home instead of hospital? I can only imagine what you went through that night but at least you are well now and coping OK, it does get easier with time. Have you had any reason why this happened? xx


I just wanted to be home, and wanted to hold him and not have him taken away from me I guess. It just seemed natural to stay at home. I know we were at the same time in our pregnancies, and that we both delivered on or around the same day. I think of you often mama!! And no they dont know what caused it, they think it was from a virus I caught.


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## PJ32

I am so sorry for your loss :hug: you sound like a very brave lady xx


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## ashley2pink

:hugs:


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## jojo23

i am so sorry for your loss and the traumatic time you had... your so brave and strong and we are all here together! best of luck TTC again xxxxxx


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## daopdesign

jennijunni said:


> daopdesign said:
> 
> 
> Hi hun, I delivered my son on the 3rd of June so I know exactly what you went through and what it was like holding such a small and beautiful thing. Did you want to deliver at home instead of hospital? I can only imagine what you went through that night but at least you are well now and coping OK, it does get easier with time. Have you had any reason why this happened? xx
> 
> 
> I just wanted to be home, and wanted to hold him and not have him taken away from me I guess. It just seemed natural to stay at home. I know we were at the same time in our pregnancies, and that we both delivered on or around the same day. I think of you often mama!! And no they dont know what caused it, they think it was from a virus I caught.Click to expand...

Can't believe we were hours apart with our little angels. It doesn't make it better but I'm glad you know what I went through xx


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## DueSeptember

*I lost my baby June 4th too  so sorry for your Loss...*


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## jennijunni

DueSeptember said:


> *I lost my baby June 4th too  so sorry for your Loss...*


It is amazing how time moves. I cannot believe it has already been almost 3 months. It seems like yesterday. Hugs mama!:hugs:


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## kiki04

OMG I am so sorry :cry: How traumatic for you :hugs: I lost mine at 16+6 but they did a d&c but overtime I carry the regret of not delivering instead. I wish I would have gone that route instead. I hope you and your OH conceive quickly again so you can begin mending that empty void that we all feel :cry:

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## DueSeptember

jennijunni said:


> DueSeptember said:
> 
> 
> *I lost my baby June 4th too  so sorry for your Loss...*
> 
> 
> It is amazing how time moves. I cannot believe it has already been almost 3 months. It seems like yesterday. Hugs mama!:hugs:Click to expand...

*Thanks! It has almost been 2 months and I still always think about her *


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## jennijunni

DueSeptember said:


> jennijunni said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DueSeptember said:
> 
> 
> *I lost my baby June 4th too  so sorry for your Loss...*
> 
> 
> It is amazing how time moves. I cannot believe it has already been almost 3 months. It seems like yesterday. Hugs mama!:hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> *Thanks! It has almost been 2 months and I still always think about her *Click to expand...


Oops!! I did mean 2 months! I must have hit the 3 instead. I seems like yesterday somedays and others a lifetime ago. Hugs!


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## Hotbump

:hugs:


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## kam78

Wow, you are one strong, amazing woman .... You children are so blessed to have you as their mother ... 
I too, as many here, have lost a child.. My Emma was born sleeping at 19 weeks 4 months ago and I also have 4 living children. Have you gotten to comment alot, "You should be thankful for the living children that you DO have".... Ugh! That's the worst one.. I used to get that one a lot ... : (
Good luck with TTC!! That is exciting!! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers! Can't wait to hear updates on that : ))


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## kiki04

jennijunni said:


> DueSeptember said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jennijunni said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DueSeptember said:
> 
> 
> *I lost my baby June 4th too  so sorry for your Loss...*
> 
> 
> It is amazing how time moves. I cannot believe it has already been almost 3 months. It seems like yesterday. Hugs mama!:hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> *Thanks! It has almost been 2 months and I still always think about her *Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Oops!! I did mean 2 months! I must have hit the 3 instead. I seems like yesterday somedays and others a lifetime ago. Hugs!Click to expand...

Tell me about it... I hit the 2 month mark just 2 days ago :cry:


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## maybebaby3

so sorry for your loss and the traumatic delivery you had :hugs:


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## jennijunni

kam78 said:


> Wow, you are one strong, amazing woman .... You children are so blessed to have you as their mother ...
> I too, as many here, have lost a child.. My Emma was born sleeping at 19 weeks 4 months ago and I also have 4 living children. Have you gotten to comment alot, "You should be thankful for the living children that you DO have".... Ugh! That's the worst one.. I used to get that one a lot ... : (
> Good luck with TTC!! That is exciting!! I'll keep you and your family in my prayers! Can't wait to hear updates on that : ))


Oh, we get that comment all the time. We have 4 bio children, and we are the parents of our 2 nieces, so that makes 6 wonderful, beautiful children. I am greatful for them everyday. But that does not make the life of my son any less important. KWIM?


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## nadinek

so sorry darling, your faith is inspiring. prayin God blesses you, heals you and gives you another little one very soon.


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