# When to stop TTC



## Sarah69

Hi all

I haven't been on here for a little while. I don't want to sound negative but seriously need to think about whether or now we should carry on TTC.

Been TTC for over 5 years with a mc 4 years ago. We have tried Clomid & Tamoxifen. We have been told we have "unexplained infertility" as all our tests came back fine. We chose not to have fertility treatment such as IVF etc.

I turned 42 in May and my DH was 46 in June. I have been avoiding thinking about it as it makes me feel utterly gutted but I really have to think long and hard about whether we should carry on TTC or if we should set a date to stop and try to move on. My DH says he will support me in which ever decision we make. It just seems so final and I keep thinking, what if we'd tried a little longer? But we aren't getting any younger and it is taking it's toll on me emotionally. I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child but is it worth all this trauma?

So, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to make this decision for me, just for some advice.
Thank you


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## Ruth2307

Hi Sarah

I'm really sorry you've not been able to get pregnant after all of this time and also that you've had a loss. That is painful beyond words. :hugs:

This is a tough one. I know you don't want us to say 'it's up to you - only you will know' because you know that already. But I didn't want to just read and run.

I guess there comes a point when you have to accept that perhaps it's not going to happen for you and try and concentrate your energy and focus on other things. I remember posting once before about a site called 'more to life' which looked at exactly the issue you are facing. It made for some interesting and encouraging reading.

You need to weigh up the pressure of TTC and all of the associated trauma when you're unsuccessful vs accepting the possibility of life without natural children.

At 42 though I really don't think that you've reached the end of the TTC road and I'm hoping that you can perhaps adopt the NTNP route so that there is no pressure and therefore no expectations.

I hope what I'm trying to say has come across right because it's such an emotive subject to tackle via the internet.

We're all here for you though if you need to express yourself again.

All the best
xxxx


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## onmymind17

Honey i am so sorry that you have had to struggle for that long. I guess you have to follow what is in your heart. My DH and I have decided that if we are not pg a year from now (Julyish 2012) then he is going in to get fixed and we give up and move on, we just dont want to have to keep going with it, since its already been 3 years for us. I am sending you tons of hugs, and prayers that you have the strength and peace to decide what is best for you.


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## Sarah69

Hi to both of you :hugs:

It is such a huge decision to make. I do still have a small amount of hope that we will have a baby but, to be brutally honest I think our chances are slim.

I think we do, like you say, need a deadline so we will have to decide when that is and make it final. We did this about this time last year but I was so upset and couldn't accept I would never be a mother that we carried on. But another year has passed and here we are in the same situation.

I know I need to face this and make a decision - we can't keep trying for ever.
Thank you again. :flower:


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## Macwooly

Sarah I am so sorry that you have not been blessed with a LO after so long trying and I am so sorry for your lose :hugs:

I can only tell you what my DH & I have decided which may or may not be of help to you. 

DH is 41 and I'm 40 (41 in Dec) and we have agreed not to have fertility treatment such as IVF either and we have agreed to stop TTC when DH turns 45. He will get fixed at that stage. And we will have been trying for nearly 5 years by then also.

It is such a difficult decision to make and DH & I have discussed it many times but we keep coming to the same decision. I know if we are never blessed with LO(s) we will be disappointed but we feel we need a time when we say enough and for us that is it.

I wish you well in your decision and I hope you can find peace and contentment in whatever you decided with regards to TTC :hugs:


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## FBbaby

I am in a similar situation although I've 'only' been ttc for 2 1/2 years. I fell pg first month ttc, nothing since... In our case, besides my age (41 in Nov), OH came back with lowish SA, although still within the normal range. I guess the two together is why it hasn't happened. 

We planned IVF when we found out about OH SA, but OH was never overly keen and after a few months of pushing it back, he admitted he wasn't sure about it. I think he would have gone with it if I'd begged, but I wasn't prepared to put all the money in and go through the stress if I couldn't have OH 100% support so decided to move on from it.

Since then, my emotions have been up and down. A few months I feel totally defeated and don't believe it will happen, yet still getting all wround up if I think we are missing on a bd session at the right time, other months I feel motivated again, and start taking vits, counting the days etc... I go from telling myself to just give it up to telling myself that I should never do... The emotional exhaustion that comes with it prompted me to consider putting a stop to it when I turn 41 in November.

Saying that, for the past two months, I have seemed more laidback about it all, letting things come normally, bding only when OH and I are up for it and not being bothered if it's only once during my fertile period. I am not checking signs to see if I ov and all in all, I think this could be quite manageable long term if I can keep the emotions on track!! One thing I am sure about is that I am not, and don't think I would ever be prepared to take actions to make sure a pregnancy is impossible. I still need to feel that a miracle could happen, even if it's against all odds, so I will try to stick to that compromise, not freak out if we don't bd at the right time, or I don't ovulate this month, but not prevent either. 

Whatever choice you make, i hope it will bring peace of mind and a renewed sense of freedom and control :)


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## sarahincanada

Sarah69 said:


> Hi all
> 
> I haven't been on here for a little while. I don't want to sound negative but seriously need to think about whether or now we should carry on TTC.
> 
> Been TTC for over 5 years with a mc 4 years ago. We have tried Clomid & Tamoxifen. We have been told we have "unexplained infertility" as all our tests came back fine. We chose not to have fertility treatment such as IVF etc.
> 
> I turned 42 in May and my DH was 46 in June. I have been avoiding thinking about it as it makes me feel utterly gutted but I really have to think long and hard about whether we should carry on TTC or if we should set a date to stop and try to move on. My DH says he will support me in which ever decision we make. It just seems so final and I keep thinking, what if we'd tried a little longer? But we aren't getting any younger and it is taking it's toll on me emotionally. I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child but is it worth all this trauma?
> 
> So, any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. I'm not asking anyone to make this decision for me, just for some advice.
> Thank you

big :hugs: 5 years is a long time. Im almost a year of very actively trying and 6 months NTNP before that. the thought of someone deciding when to stop makes me very sad and I dont know how I will do that myself. So Im assuming you dont have children at all? I think this is even harder when you dont already have children (no offense intended for those trying for their 2nd, 3rd, 4th..). Perhaps you can ease of slowly but gradually doing less and less, for example if you temp stop temping, or stop ovulation sticks. Just Bd when you want, not within a set timeframe. 

may I ask why you chose not to have fertility treatments? Im always interested to know why when I read people saying that. I understand IVF as its a big cost and toll on your body, but not even IUI? Im trying that right now, Im hoping it will be the little boost we need :kiss:


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## Sarah69

Hi FBbaby

You describe very much what I go through each month :wacko::wacko:

BUT I have also decided to lay off the OPK's (I really do know after 5 years when I ovulate!) and the stresses of trying to BD at exactly the right time of day, never mind the right day - it's exhausting, for me and my DH. It is an emotional roller-coaster each month.

I have serious PMT today also which doesn't help...............

I just still have hope as we managed to get pregnant even though it was 4 years ago this month :cry: and, of course, I am 4 years older.

It is difficult because you don't think you'll be in this situation, you think that you'll get pregnant. But, as has been proved to me, just because you want something that bad does not mean you'll get it.
xx


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## Desperado167

Hi Sarah,am so sorry huni for your loss ,and your story is heart wrenchingly sad,Its something that is so close to my heart and I know myself that I could never make that decision ,I have also been trying for just over five years and have suffered ten losses ,I am 44 and dh is 46 ,he is happy to go along with ttc but I know he would rather stop ,I am lucky that I have been blessed with four beautiful children and I thank god for them everyday ,but I feel my family isn't complete and I do believe in my heart that I will get that beautiful extra sticky bean.I hope and pray that u can be at peace with your decision and find the strength to carry on.you know that we are all here for you wotever decision you make,Good luck ,:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Indigo77

I hope you find peace in whatever you decide....:hugs:


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## Garnet

You know I was just thinking about that. I always thought that I would be finished with the baby making by the time I was 42. I had my last baby when I was 40. After 2 MC and the years seem to creep up on me faster as I TTC. Also after the last MC my body was tired and worn out. My husband and I haven't decided yet but we think at 45 will be the last year. Good luck with your decision. :flower:


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## future_numan

That is a really tough one..
You will know in your heart when it is time.. (((HUGS)))


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## pdmcd17

hon I hear you it is a tough decision and only you and your husband can decide when it is time to stop.

I knew going into ttc my time line and it was for my own reasons and we discussed it before ttc. There are days when af comes i feel im done i cant take the emotional tole it has on both of us, and i change my mind again. I do know each cycle it gets harder

good luck in your decision it is one of the hardest one couples can make


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## lisap2008

So very sorry for all your going though.I was sort of in the same situation last year I had turned 41 and after one M/C and TTC sence 2008 we decided to stop TTC , I stopped keeping track of when AF came stopped all supplements and just started focusing on weight loss and going out meeting new friends ,attending events. totally thinking it would never happen , then late october I started feeling really sickly and decided to test and got a BFP totally shocked, so sometimes just because you stop TTC does not mean it will never happen. we ended up with another early M/C but I am hopeful it can happen at my age I will be 42 in September . and we might stop TTC again if I am not pregnant by December but as my DH says even when were not TTC , its like we still are because we normally happen to BD during my fertile time anyway.
Good luck in whatever you chose.:hugs:


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## FionaJames24

I'm glad I stumbled across this thread - It's a really difficult question but one that doesn't mean you won't conceive. I hear lots (and lots and lots..) of people fall pregnant a couple of months after they have stopped trying. It's actually really annoying when people tell me though beacuse I just dont' understand it. 
A friend of mine was trying to conceive for 3 years (unexplained) and then said she had had enough of the stress, threw the ovulation sticks and vitamins away and then fell pregnant. It could be coincidence but I hear it too many times.

The only thing I don't understand is how people stop trying - I mean, I will always remember when I am ovulating and it will be natural I think for me to try to 'do the deed' at around the rime. How do people really stop trying..and therefore stop stressing...over it? Surely they must still get optimistic each month?

You could try to 'stop trying' if that makes sense, without doing anythign drastic like you or your OH having an operation to make it physically impossible. You could agree on a date to stop actively trying. Perhaps you may fall naturally after that - I am thinking of doing the same thing. I really want to not get so up and down every month. It's so heart breaking when the witch comes - maybe all the people who tell me to stop trying are on to something..if only they'd tell me how to do it!! xx


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## FBbaby

FionaJames24 said:


> The only thing I don't understand is how people stop trying - I mean, I will always remember when I am ovulating and it will be natural I think for me to try to 'do the deed' at around the rime. How do people really stop trying..and therefore stop stressing...over it? Surely they must still get optimistic each month?

I've been asking this exact same question for many months :hugs: I too can't imagine not knowing at least approximately when I ovulate or when AF is due. I know it is possible because when I was single and not getting any bding, I often got caught with AF having no clue I was due, not able to remember at all last time she'd come, but that was before ttc and I can't imagine getting back to that unawareness. 

One thing I have noticed though is that since I have been relinquishing some control over the whole thing, my ovulation pains have been much less obvious. I assumed it was just a case of a not so strong ovulation, but I am now wondering whether there could be a psychological thing to it... I know from a previous experience that stress can trully induce symptoms that are real, but still stressed-induced. 

I'm still struggling a bit with the concept of not trying to initiate bd around ov time because less face it, however much it becomes a miracle to fall pregnant when you've been ttc for many years, it would be one miracle too far to fall pregnant having not have bded at all :haha::haha: My partner doesn't have a huge sex drive and in any case is often home late or too tired, so it's become more and more common we only bd once during fertile time. Saying that, I ovulated right in the middle of our last holiday and we were very active that week... still I didn't get pregnant, and that fact seem to have eased the urgency a bit. We've only done it once again this cycle, and that was my OH initiating it. I think this is the right balance for me, reducing the stress associated with regular and times bding, but not making conception ultimately impossible either!


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## Sarah69

I agree re the "not trying" as I am so tuned in to when I ovulate and when AF is due that I can't just "forget" when it's fertile time! And if you don't BD around that time you're not going to get preggers.

It is just so frustrating that some people seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and others like me have to go through such stress and an emotional roller-coaster each month.

It isn't fair, but life isn't fair is it? I don't blame anyone, it's just the way it is. I'm on CD27 today and daren't test so I will wait it out and see what happens................

Good luck to you all and keep in touch :hugs::dust:


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## babyforus

Im so sorry your having a rough time. I can't imagine yet what you must be going through. My husband and I have just started ttc and I am 39. Will be forty in about 6 weeks. I bought an ov monitor and fertilaid right off the bat because I knew age was probably catching up with me but until I started reading I really didn't realize how much. I don't feel old so I am not sure how this has happened, lol. I just hope that things will work out for you in the best way possible! Maybe do some deep breathing when you get stressed. I honestly don't have many answers just want to encourage you! Good Luck!


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## Wallie

Personally if you are "unexplained" and everything seems to be in working order I would start to think is there a lifestyle problem? I mean could it be your health that's holding you back? I've read the Zita West books and she has a website and her clinic is very into getting back to basics, health, fitness, etc, etc. Maybe you could have one last look at the likes of that and then if you've not fallen pregnant by a certain timescale, then what will be will be.

Here's some dust for you though, good luck :dust:


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## Spoomie

What a wonderful and honest thread. It is a question/fear that grows in my head ever month and it is really helpful to read al your comments. I'm sure it is a concern for almost everyone on the over 35s board, so well done for raising such a difficult subject. I am so sorry for your loss and can't imagine the strain of ttc for all this time. I had a mc at 12+2 last November. We had tried for about 6 moths to get pregnant (trying for our second child with 2 mc before he was born - I'm clearly not very talented in this area!) and the month it happened I promise that I had begun to think, OK, so maybe this won't pan out as I would've liked, and there will be no sibling coming along. I was 42 at the time and our little boy was born in 2008 when I was 40. I have to confess that since the mc I have been increasingly obsessed with ttc again and it hasn't happened, I am now 43. 

I also fear that this is a one way road and have wondered, how do we NOT use the CBFM, note CM, ovulation pain, symptom spot during 2ww etc etc. I'm thinking that the most gentle way to do this is to gradually ease oneself away from ttc because for me, a deadline would just make it feel more stressful and abrupt. I think it begins by allowing myself a glass of wine when I fancy one, focusing on my running again, and buying some new clothes instead of waiting, 'just in case I might need maternity stuff'. Not sure I've contributed anything new, just hope it helps you feel like you are as 'normal' as the rest of us! x


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## readyformore

Oh boy, I feel like an interloper but I'm responding anyway. I hope you can find my opinion useful as well. . . .

How do you decide if/when to give up? 

Well, at 34, I've already considered the idea. It might seem really drastic for my age, but my situation is unique. I have only 1 ovary, I struggled with infertility in my twenties and now again, I have an elevated FSH and a low AMH, and I've been told I'll have an early menopause. So, with that being said, I'm pretty sure my body is going to give out on me early. My guess is I'm perimenopausal already.

I think it takes a really strong person to ttc for several years. Seriously. The emotional torment that we endure each month. . . . I don't know how you've done it for 5 years. That's some major perseverance and determination. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go on that long. I know that for me personally, ovulation is completely unavoidable. I know exactly when I'm fertile. There is no way that I could ntnp because I would know if I had intercourse while I'm fertile and therefore, I'd be hopeful I'd be pregnant. I've already told my DH that at some point (not yet determined) he will have a vasectomy because I will have to accept what my body is telling me and move on. 

It's the hope really that kills you. Hope springs eternal! I had a patient once that had been ttc for . . .something crazy. . . like 20 years. She did fertility treatments and had her first baby at 42! Then. . . .she spontaneously conceived and delivered at 45!! Who is more fertilie in their mid-forties than any other time? Obviously, her story is very rare, but we all want to believe that it will happen to us. We all want a story book ending, don't we? It's these stories that compel us to move forward. But, reality? Reality is not very much in our favor. It's almost like you need to kill the hope to move on. How do you do that? I have no idea. . . . .

I do have children already and maybe that's a component to deciding. I don't have the same worries as others do. I know what it's like to rock my baby to sleep, teach him the ABCs, and send him off to school for the first day. But there is absolutely still a sense of loss. I envision this specific person that should be in my household. I look at my other children and think that there is a person that is similar to them, but different at the same time, and I may never meet him. . . . and just the thought of that makes me cry (literally, as I typed this).

Sorry if I rambled.

You are not alone. I desperately want a baby too, but at some point I know that I won't be able to handle the disappointment anymore. I know that even if I have another child, I will still be wanting more. For me it will never end. My body will give out before my desire does. I wish that there was a switch to turn off the desire. That would make things so much easier. . . .


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## cndnveggie

I just signed up for this forum so I could respond to this thread! I had done a google search about "how to decide when it's time to stop ttc", and this thread came up in the results. I identified with so many of the comments, I had to register so that I could respond and thank people for sharing their experiences.

A quick history about me: we have been trying for baby #2 for almost 3 years. We conceived our first child the first month we tried, so we had no idea we wouldn't be able to conceive our second child so easily. Both DH and I have had tests done, neither of us has any fertility issues. So we're dealing with unexplained secondary infertility. Like the OP, we've opted not to pursue IUI or IVF, and adoption is also not something we are considering. 

Anyways, I've been doing acupuncture and working with a naturopath since the beginning of this year, so for about 10 cycles now (my cycles are on the shorter side). I was hoping that those would give me the little extra push I needed, since we were unsuccessful for the previous 2 years, and had heard so many positive things about them, but unfortunately they haven't resulted in a BFP for us. However, I do think they've been a good experience, and have made me healthier overall, so I would recommend both/either to anyone who has fertility issues. If anything, it made me feel like I was doing something proactive about our fertility problems. As we're nearing the end of our TTC journey, we decided to give Clomid a try. The first 2 cycles didn't result in a PG, so I'm about to start my 3rd and last cycle with it. If this doesn't work, then we might be at the end of our TTC journey - hence my reason for the google search ;)

My situation is somewhat different than many of the others posted here. We do have a child already, and I think that changes things - I am already a mother, and so I don't have to choose between keeping trying or giving up my chance at motherhood. But I have different things I need to consider - how important is it for me to have a sibling for DS? What's the max age gap I'd want between kids? Is my stuggle with the emotional aspects of infertility affecting DS in a negative way? 

But the thing I struggle with the most, and which I think affects everyone with infertility, is the uncertainty of what the future holds. I admit that I'm a bit of a control freak, and while I have been able to let go and adopt a more "whatever happens, happens" attitude about TTCing, it's still hard to think about and plan for the future when I don't know if there is another child on the way. Little decisions such as whether to keep or sell all the baby stuff I've accumulated over the past 4 years, to big decisions such as whether we should buy a smaller or bigger car, or if DH can think about going back to school (which would require me to work, not as easy with a newborn). I feel like my life has been in limbo for the past 3 years while we've been TTCing, and it's become very tiring and depressing. I'm so ready to just move on, but I worry that I'll regret that we gave up. I would love for DS to have a sibling. But on the flip side, the longer we go, the larger age gap there would be between kids, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I also really identified with the people who said they didn't understand how people can NTNP - I'm the same way, I am so familiar with my cycle and know when I ovulate and when AF is due, I just can't imagine not thinking about it. I mean, I could see not charting and not paying so much attention, I've actually done that several times throughout the past 3 years. But I still know when we need to be BDing, and there is a lot of anticipation during the 2ww. So I'm not sure how it would help? And besides, it doesn't really help with the uncertainty aspect of it all - if anything, it would make it worse. So for me, I'm leaning towards a more certain/permanent decision, once we decide we're done.

One option I am toying with, that my naturopath mentioned, was that there was an infertility study that showed delaying ovulation (using progesterone, or maybe BC) resulted in a high quality egg when ovulation was finally allowed a few months later, and fertility rates improved. The downside of it is that you have to wait a few months while you suppress ovulation, which is definitely not a pleasant idea when you've been TTCing for a long time. However, since we're thinking we're done anyways, I thought maybe we could take a few months off (with me suppressing ovulation during that time), to remember what it's like to DTD and not be thinking about getting PG. Then if we decide we're not done, I'll go off the BC and hopefully the egg will be high quality, and maybe we'll get lucky. I don't know, I have to talk to the naturopath about it, but I like this idea for a lot of reasons.

Anyways, I'm sorry to come in as a newbie and ramble on, but I really appreciated reading everyone's comments and just wanted to add my thoughts and experience. I would recommend acupuncture to people who haven't tried it - it has been shown to help improve fertility, and although it hasn't worked for me, I do know a lot of people that it has helped. It's also just relaxing and calming, and really has helped me feel more at peace about everything. Working with a naturopath was also really useful - she has helped me tweak some things that my regular doctors didn't catch (low testosterone, thyroid numbers were a bit off, irons stores were low, etc.), and I think that's good for general health, and should also help improve our chances of conception.

I know what a hard decision this is, I've been struggling with it a lot over the past several weeks. I don't know if there is a right answer, and I don't know if I'll ever feel totally happy with the decision, but I completely understand the need to make the decision at some point.


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## Spoomie

Hi cndnveggie, thanks for your honesty and for such an in depth post. It is a real help to read the experiences of others in this area. I agree that it is a blessing to be in this position with a child already, but equally I think it can be tougher to let go because you are plagued by the nagging feeling that it all worked out once before and maybe this month will be the month it works out again. I totally get the problem with what to do with all the baby stuff, I hang on to absolutely everything...'just in case'... I also worry about the impact of my stress/sadness on my DS. It is now 9 months since my last mc and when he celebrated his 3rd birthday last week I felt acutely aware that I have been sad for much of his past year. I determined that I must try to be, or at least to feign happiness for him. Your struggle with the age gap conundrum is interesting and perhaps I can add something from my personal experience; my sister is 7 years and 9 months younger than I. I love her dearly, but in many ways our childhoods were not spent as siblings, we had different music, different fashions, different TV programmes etc etc and now we are not terribly close. It doesn't mean it's wrong, just that it's not what we dream of for our child, we dream of a playmate for them, and that's why we press on towards the ultimate goal. Wishing you a miracle xx


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## Indigo77

Sarah69 said:


> I would be devasted knowing we will never have a child

I don't think you're quite ready to stop TTC...

When that statement changes to 'TTC is too devastating'....then I would say you're ready.

:hugs:


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