# He wants a baby but wants to wait - advice please?



## Elodie

Hi
I've just turned 36. My partner is a bit younger, at 31, and although he wants us to have a baby together, he isn't ready and wants to wait.
I'm not ready either (who ever is!) but I know that time is ticking by and I just don't know how long it will take or even if I can get pregnant (I've never tried). Family history is good, periods are regular, but you know I just am so scared that every month I wait will make it harder. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship in which we wanted children prior to this. I wasn't sure that I even wanted them myself, but since I have been with him, I just know that I do; I know he will be an amazing father and he has a very close family. I feel that the longer we wait, the greater the chances are that I will deprive him and myself of having a family. We talk about it a lot, and to be honest he's probably sick of me going on about it all the time. I've had the careers, the travel, all the other stuff, and now I just want to settle down and have a family together.

I try not to think about it too much, but the reality is that it is consuming me. All of my friends are a lot younger, and not in similar relationships, so it can be hard to relate. I have been to a counsellor (about other things) and we discussed all this - she says that my partner and I need to get a move on if we want more than one, and she's right.

I just need some advice as to how to deal with this. I don't want to keep hounding my partner, I don't want to trick him, nor do I want to force him into anything. I'm really sick of all these 40-something celebs popping out kids, as it makes men think that this is normal. He says we can always adopt (I don't want to) or have IVF (also something I don't want). We have an amazing relationship and I know that it will survive through any difficulties.
We are also moving to France next year from England to be around his family. I am really hoping that this next stage may make some decisions for us.

Thanks for listening, please give advice if you can.


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## Butterfly67

Hi Elodie, it's a tough one but I think that if he really isn't ready yet and gets fed up with hearing about it then maybe leave it for 6 months and say that you guys should chat again about it then. Yes, fertility drops after 35 but I don't THINK there is a massive drop between 36 and 37 and as long as you stay on the ball and get everything checked out quickly then you will hopefully have time. But maybe point out to him that you can only start getting help (if there is anything wrong) after 6 months of trying so it would be worth starting to try before you are 37 if you can so that you have time for a couple if you want. Also It has taken my friend about 2 years (after trying for a year) to get as far as starting IVF so IF there is anything wrong then it can be a long process and I think in the UK they stop IVF at 38 or 39 (I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong on this) so maybe once he knows those kind of facts he will realise that you are not just pushing him for the sake of it :)
:hugs:


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## sarahincanada

hi, if I could give any advice it would be start sooner than you think you are ready...as you never know how long it will take! I would say the chances that it takes longer than you think are high....sure you might be one of those people who falls pregnant easily, but you may also be with the many of us on here who have been trying for a year or more.

now if he is really not ready I wouldnt push him, but perhaps he could give you a compromise and say you will start trying before you turn 37? then at 37 you can both go for testing. if he really wants kids then he has to realize its going to have to happen earlier for him as you are older. 

I was in a somewhat similar situation.....I was 29 when I met my hubby and he was 20!!! we are now 29 and 38! so we waited as I wanted to make sure he was ready....but to be honest I was not ready either as in the 9 years we have been together I left my job and set up my own business, we moved from the city to the suburbs then moved again to our dream home. We set up another business together too. So it was probably me that was equally not ready. but I always told him from the beginning we would have to have kids earlier for him as I am older.

finally last year, aged 37, we started to try and I turned 38 last October. Well it hasnt happened yet! so now my 40 birthday is looming next year and I panic here and there. there are people on here that get pregnant within 6 months but a lot more of us taking longer. 

So definitely try and talk to him some more, but its hard if he truly isnt ready. However I dont think theres ever a time to truly be ready for children, to be honest Im not ready even now but I now want them and the clock is ticking. so he might just have to move forward a little sooner than he wants but Im sure if it happens he would be ecstatic


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## Indigo77

If you are both certain you want children, then you should start ttc asap. Read the statistics. Have him read the statistics. Do not take fertility for granted because it may not be there once he thinks he is ready. Besides, once you are pregnant, he will have 9 months to get himself ready...


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## readyformore

I totally agree with Indigo. 9 months is a long time to prepare.

You will never regret a child. I can guarantee you of that. 

At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive. Honestly, you don't have too much time to wait. If you want 2 children and start today, you'll be 37ish when a baby comes. If you want another, you could be 39. To be completely scarily (is that a word?) honest with you, it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40. We all know people that have done it, but it isn't common. All of those celebrities have had a ton of fertility treatments. If you were a movie star and had millions of dollars to give towards repeated IVFs, I might say it's okay to wait another year, but no more.

Get statistics from your ob/gyn and share those with him. When you are considering waiting to have kids until your late 30s, it may scare some sense in him.

I'm 34 and have been ttc for 13 cycles. I also had a baby 2.5 years ago and was "waiting" as per my husband's request. I wish I wouldn't have waited.

*stupid biological clocks* *ugh*

Maybe suggest some not trying not preventing for 6 months and then go straight to ttc? He doesn't need to know that the ntnp is actually well timed bd.

Good luck.


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## Butterfly67

readyformore said:


> ... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.

With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.


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## Sophia17

Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!


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## Macwooly

readyformore said:


> At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive




readyformore said:


> it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40

I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.

Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.

Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.

Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs :thumbup:


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## A43

Hey it might not be like what you think....
My story - I am going to be 38 this Sept..we tried (husband will be 36 this year) and fell on the 3rd month. I gave birth in April. I admit I was the same as you - really worried about the body clock thing, I also used a fertility monitor, took vit b6 complex and eve primrose (first 2 weeks of the month)..I had fairly reg periods before...every 32 - 34 days. I was a size 14 and drank wine most weekends. I am not encouraging this, I am just stating the fact that its is possible it could be all so different than you think - but both you and your partner need to really be in agreement or it will drive you apart. 
Most of the ladies at the mothers and babies class are over 30..3 have a full head of grey hair..so if you are pretty regular with the periods it could all be so much easier than you think.. xxx dont let the media scare you too much. 
I am aware of the age thing hence why i am on this forum, I dont want another soon, but feel I might have to ...but at the end of the day it may be like it was when we conceived our first. Try and keep positive xxx


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## readyformore

Butterfly67 said:


> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> ... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.
> 
> With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.Click to expand...

I apologize if I offended anyone.:hugs: (it is certaintly not my goal to upset anyone on this board) Impossible is likely too strong of a word, but I feel that difficult is appropriate, (it's also very likely that I typed this after loosing all of my optimism about 7 months ago. My PMA is gone, so just disregard this note if you aren't having a downer of a day!).

Unfortunately, statistics aren't in our favor anymore.
It is possible to have a baby into your 40s of course, but it is also likely to be difficult to conceive and carry a baby. I would never encourage anyone already into their mid-thirties to wait longer. It only gets more difficult as we age.

Sorry for the hurt feelings, but I do still believe it to be true that it is more difficult.


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## Macwooly

readyformore said:


> Butterfly67 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> ... it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40.
> 
> With all due respect ready, I think that is a bit of a rash statement to be making on an over 35 board when there are quite a few ladies getting a BFP over 40.Click to expand...
> 
> I apologize if I offended anyone.:hugs: (it is certaintly not my goal to upset anyone on this board) Impossible is likely too strong of a word, but I feel that difficult is appropriate, (it's also very likely that I typed this after loosing all of my optimism about 7 months ago. My PMA is gone, so just disregard this note if you aren't having a downer of a day!).
> 
> Unfortunately, statistics aren't in our favor anymore.
> It is possible to have a baby into your 40s of course, but it is also likely to be difficult to conceive and carry a baby. I would never encourage anyone already into their mid-thirties to wait longer. It only gets more difficult as we age.
> 
> Sorry for the hurt feelings, but I do still believe it to be true that it is more difficult.Click to expand...

It sounds like you need some :hugs::hugs: :)

I do agree if someone is in the situation to start TTC and they are 35+ then no time like the present :thumbup:

But one ray of PMA is the over 35s June testers who had a 28% BFP rate which is above the medical stats :D


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## A43

god yeah its supposed to be more difficult for sure, but each person is different and the stats are based on overall over 35's not individuals.


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## Butterfly67

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: ready


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## crystal443

Macwooly said:


> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive
> 
> 
> 
> 
> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40Click to expand...
> 
> I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.
> 
> Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.
> 
> Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.
> 
> Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs :thumbup:Click to expand...

This is what we were told by our IVF clinic:thumbup: Its more of an individual case by case sort of thing. She also mentioned there are lots of ladies in their late 30's or early 40's that are very fertile and ladies in their mid 20's that have problems. I had issues in my early 20's getting pregnant and am now 36 and am still having issues:growlmad: Some of the other ladies were right in saying however he'll have 9 months to get prepared:haha:


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## dachsundmom

Ready- :hugs::hugs::hugs:

It may sound silly, but PMA is all I have to hold onto.


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## readyformore

Send some my way dachsundmom! My well is dry.:hugs:

(BTW, and totally off topic, I can never remember how to spell your name! Everytime I have to scroll up to read it, lol).


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## dachsundmom

readyformore said:


> Send some my way dachsundmom! My well is dry.:hugs:
> 
> (BTW, and totally off topic, I can never remember how to spell your name! Everytime I have to scroll up to read it, lol).

That's bc I forgot one of the 'h' in dachshund, lol. Most shorted it to dmom, lol.

My well is dry somedays and others it's there. 

:dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust::dust:


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## readyformore

crystal443 said:


> Macwooly said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> At 36, your fertility has already taken a nose dive
> 
> 
> 
> 
> readyformore said:
> 
> 
> it is very difficult if not impossible to have a baby at 40Click to expand...
> 
> I find these statements a real generalisation as every woman is different. Yes hormones and egg quality & quantity can decline with age but our eggs and hormones don't wake up on our 35th or 40th birthday and say enough & stop! The decline varies from woman to woman and unfortunately for some this decline starts long before they turn 35 or 40.
> 
> Elodie - It is a difficult situation for you and the last thing you want is your OH to feel resentful if he feels pressured into having a child.
> 
> Maybe discuss just coming off birth control for 6 months and see what happens which will allow him time to adjust. Also at the end of this time if he is more on-board with TTC then you can start testing as well.
> 
> Yes 37 is classed as old by the medical profession but many of the over 35s are getting their BFPs :thumbup:Click to expand...
> 
> I had issues in my early 20's getting pregnant and am now 36 and am still having issues:growlmad:Click to expand...

Yep, that's me too. I feel like I've capped of my childbearing years with infertility crap!

And elodie, I'm so sorry that I single handedly hijacked your post. But, getting back to the original topic, you seriously won't regret a child. And I'm doubtful that your OH will either.:hugs: Even if he thinks he's not ready, he will be when he sees his baby.


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## Indigo77

Sophia17 said:


> Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

Not a bad idea....if he objects, at the very least get yourself checked out...

BTW, he may feel differently once you move. 
It isn't as scary when you have your family as a support system around. 
This actually ended up being a major factor in our ttc choices...we did not have family around....


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## crystal443

Indigo77 said:


> Sophia17 said:
> 
> 
> Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!
> 
> Not a bad idea....if he objects, at the very least get yourself checked out...
> 
> BTW, he may feel differently once you move.
> It isn't as scary when you have your family as a support system around.
> This actually ended up being a major factor in our ttc choices...we did not have family around....Click to expand...

:thumbup:


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## LLbean

explain to him that it may not be as easy as he thinks...My hubby INSISTED in waiting professing how we were VERY FERTILE and it would happen right away...now he is panicking because he knows it is not the case and my time is ticking! I just turned 41 and far as we can tell all my tests are fine...his sperm showed issues but after 3 months it has improved (so not always is it the "older" woman that has the issues you see) We had to contact a Fertility specialist today because if he had no luck this month I cant just wait around as most fertility places don't want to use your own eggs after 42...so yeah TIC TOC! So now he is sad and definitely paying attention. I wonder if he is mad at himself now for making me wait this long


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## Indigo77

I bet he would be kicking himself in the ass if he could right about now....


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## sarahincanada

Sophia17 said:


> Waiting is hard...trust me I know as I was in the same situation. One thought is ask him if he would be willing to make sure everything is ok with both of you ( do all the prep stuff such as making sure your shots are up to date, you are ovulating, his sa is good, etc).... This can often get him thinking about it more also....just a thought....that way you are good to go when he's ready. Best of luck!

thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.


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## SweetPickles

Your situation is similar to mine, I think. I'm 35, and my OH is 30. (I think it's the perfect age difference :winkwink:)

I finally felt ready to TTC #1 this year (no way I felt ready before now). Initially he wanted to wait just a little longer, and I honestly wouldn't mind having a couple more years for just the two of us, but I wanted to take advantage of as much time as possible and he readily agreed since he really wants kids, ideally more than one.

Not saying that you need to start right this minute, but I'm thinking that if having kids is important to him, he should understand that getting pregnant after 35 or even well after 40 is certainly possible and wonderful - but it can take longer and have its own risks that I know I don't need to mention. If he's anything like my OH, he has no clue whatsoever about these things. :dohh: 

Whatever happens, I hope you and your OH are able to make the decision that's right for the two of you!


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## readyformore

SweetPickles said:


> Your situation is similar to mine, I think. I'm 35, and my OH is 30. (I think it's the perfect age difference :winkwink:)
> 
> I finally felt ready to TTC #1 this year (no way I felt ready before now). Initially he wanted to wait just a little longer, and I honestly wouldn't mind having a couple more years for just the two of us, but I wanted to take advantage of as much time as possible and he readily agreed since he really wants kids, ideally more than one.
> 
> Not saying that you need to start right this minute, but I'm thinking that if having kids is important to him, he should understand that getting pregnant after 35 or even well after 40 is certainly possible and wonderful - but it can take longer and have its own risks that I know I don't need to mention. If he's anything like my OH, he has no clue whatsoever about these things. :dohh:
> 
> Whatever happens, I hope you and your OH are able to make the decision that's right for the two of you!

Well, now that was very nicely said!:thumbup:


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## Caseys

sarahincanada said:


> thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.

Sarah, I just wanted to let you know I was in your shoes. Unexplained infertility, everything looked wonderful, no reason for it not to work. I tried a bunch of IUI's, a polyp removal surgery, etc. Finally got preggers thanks to IVF after trying for 5 years. We started trying ~age 32 and I am about to turn 37. Hang in there!!!

Like the other women have said, you just never know how long it's going to take. I would do what feels right in your gut. (This last comment is directed towards the original poster, whose name I seem to have forgotten, sorry!).


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## Suki73

I would strongly advise not waiting, if you can avoid it. This issue is an issue a woman has with her body, and sadly a lot of men simply have no understanding of that. They assume far too much. 

If you want to have a baby with your OH I feel you should go ahead. Persuading him might be difficult but there is no "right time" for a child - it's a decision that can be deferred indefinitely and then - you end up with egg on your face and no eggs in your ovaries. 

JMO, but I feel strongly about this.


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## sarahincanada

Caseys said:


> sarahincanada said:
> 
> 
> thats a good idea, but the only issue is if all the tests come out great he might think they have lots of time and thats not true.....all mine and hubbies tests are perfect (including FSH even though Im 39 this year), I responded great on first cycle of clomid with 3-4 follicles and a perfect lining...and still not pregnant. so even with all the tests being perfect it could take years. its so annoying, I wish it could be more clear cut.
> 
> Sarah, I just wanted to let you know I was in your shoes. Unexplained infertility, everything looked wonderful, no reason for it not to work. I tried a bunch of IUI's, a polyp removal surgery, etc. Finally got preggers thanks to IVF after trying for 5 years. We started trying ~age 32 and I am about to turn 37. Hang in there!!!Click to expand...

thats great to hear! I think we will try IVF next year, going to start IUIs now till the end of the year if they will do them that long. I dont mind doing IVF as I would love to be able to freeze some embryos for future use, as they would be my 39 year old eggs! although I know sometimes theres not enough to freeze. How many embryos did you have put in? how was the IVF process with all the meds and the egg retrival? the nurse I was talking to about IUI mentioned how IVF is much more intense so I just wonder. thanks for the pma :flower:


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## Caseys

sarahincanada said:


> thats great to hear! I think we will try IVF next year, going to start IUIs now till the end of the year if they will do them that long. I dont mind doing IVF as I would love to be able to freeze some embryos for future use, as they would be my 39 year old eggs! although I know sometimes theres not enough to freeze. How many embryos did you have put in? how was the IVF process with all the meds and the egg retrival? the nurse I was talking to about IUI mentioned how IVF is much more intense so I just wonder. thanks for the pma :flower:

Sarah, it was definitely more intense and not exactly "fun". We had two put in and fortunately only one took, as DH only wants one child. We have frozen some for the future in case he changes his mind though as well as in case it doesn't make it to its due date. It's worth it though, and know of several women older than me whom it has worked for. It's also very expensive if, like me, your insurance refuses to pay for it.

Feel free to message me for more information privately as I know we have gotten a bit off the original topic.:dohh:


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## Quisty

The response I am about to give you might stir up emotions and anger in you or other people. I would like to stress that what I have written is based on how I would feel in your situation and how I would tackle the circumstances you find yourself in. This is my opinion only.

If I were in your exact position I would try to conceive on the sly. These are my reasons, but you need to decide whether these work for you:

1) The reality is, it is generally a lot more difficult to conceive after the age of 35. Some women are lucky and dont have any issues, but I would rather be prepared for the worst case scenario and presume I will be one the statistics that has problems than blindly go along thinking that everything will work out in the end.
2) You never really know how many children you may want until you become a parent. You need to think not only about the difficulties in falling pregnant with your 1st child, but the chances of falling pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th!?
3) You have a lot more to potentially lose than he does. If the relationship does not work out down the track, you may have lost your opportunity for children but nothing changes for him. I would feel extremely resentful if I was robbed of having a family by an ex-partner, only to find years later he was married and settled with his own brood years down the track.
4) For me, part of the of experience being a mother that I did not want to miss out on was the experience of pregnancy and child birth. In my opinion your partner's suggestion to adopt, is a flippant response that does not seriously take your concerns into consideration. He might be happy to adopt, but you clearly do not want to go down this path. That means you both need to talk more about the situation, not less! I would be angry that he is getting annoyed that you keep bringing up the topic of children. He is either walking around with blinkers on or doesn't care about how worried you are. You are 36 NOT 26!
4) I would be prepared to be a single Mum if things did not turn out.


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## readyformore

Quisty said:


> The response I am about to give you might stir up emotions and anger in you or other people. I would like to stress that what I have written is based on how I would feel in your situation and how I would tackle the circumstances you find yourself in. This is my opinion only.
> 
> If I were in your exact position I would try to conceive on the sly. These are my reasons, but you need to decide whether these work for you:
> 
> 1) The reality is, it is generally a lot more difficult to conceive after the age of 35. Some women are lucky and dont have any issues, but I would rather be prepared for the worst case scenario and presume I will be one the statistics that has problems than blindly go along thinking that everything will work out in the end.
> 2) You never really know how many children you may want until you become a parent. You need to think not only about the difficulties in falling pregnant with your 1st child, but the chances of falling pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th!?
> 3) You have a lot more to potentially lose than he does. If the relationship does not work out down the track, you may have lost your opportunity for children but nothing changes for him. I would feel extremely resentful if I was robbed of having a family by an ex-partner, only to find years later he was married and settled with his own brood years down the track.
> 4) For me, part of the of experience being a mother that I did not want to miss out on was the experience of pregnancy and child birth. In my opinion your partner's suggestion to adopt, is a flippant response that does not seriously take your concerns into consideration. He might be happy to adopt, but you clearly do not want to go down this path. That means you both need to talk more about the situation, not less! I would be angry that he is getting annoyed that you keep bringing up the topic of children. He is either walking around with blinkers on or doesn't care about how worried you are. You are 36 NOT 26!
> 4) I would be prepared to be a single Mum if things did not turn out.

It did not stir up anger in me, but it did get me thinking (and women have been doing just that thing for hundreds of years, btw). . . . 

My second child was a "surprise" baby. (Trust me, when you are 24 and ttc for 19 months and go through 4 IUIs to have a baby, it never in a million years crosses your mind that you could actually get pregnant from ONE single event of unprotected sex).

With that said, I think that if you are in a committed long-term relationship, and you plan on having children, an unplanned pregnancy is a tremendous blessing! You don't have the same worries that you do prior to ttc. It's just "Oops, I'm pregnant. I'll have to cope." After my unexpected pregnancy, I say just this to all of my friends. Sure, the timing in your life might not be good, but it works out wonderfully. 

For me personally, I would have a difficult time with the guilt of getting pregnant on the sly. If my husband thought I was on the pill or using an IUD and I wasn't, I would personally feel guilty. And, I feel that it could potentially hurt our relationship. We value honesty very highly.

But (shh, this part is a secret), if I am so fortunate to have another baby, I'd like to 'accidentally' get pregnant again quickly like after my first. Maybe get caught up in the moment again (or lock my heels together behind his butt, lol)? I'm not sure, but I had hopped for it and I am 100% positive that he would not want another. But, I know from experience how he loves and cares for his unexpected babies. I'm confident it would work out for us. 

It could be good depending on the type of person he is, but if he found out that you did it on the sly, he could be really hurt and resent you for it. It's something to think about for sure.


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## Indigo77

The OP is MIA........just saying....


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## readyformore

Indigo77 said:


> The OP is MIA........just saying....

Oh, but now we've gotten something even more interesting to discuss Indigo! :haha:


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## Indigo77

Won't stop us...:haha:


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## readyformore

If she's MIA, I truly won't feel horrible if this entire thread gets hijacked!


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## Indigo77

Maybe we're too scary and blunt? We tend to get a lot of 1 x posters...


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## readyformore

Well, if we're giving out awards for scary and blunt I'm first in line.


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## Indigo77

I would vote for you.... :haha:....


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## readyformore

Sweet!!

Literally everyone tells me I'm blunt. Scary? Not so much.

Just as long as noone calls me an a$$, then I'm okay, lol.


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## velo

Does he have something specific in mind he wants to wait for, or is it generalized anxiety about less freedom? For instance when I was with a previous partner, he didn't want to have kids until his business was successful. Which was always "just around the corner".. oh for about 7 years until we split up. 

If he has a milestone, is it reasonable? If he doesn't, I think all you can do is remind him noone is ever ready, and that fertility decreases as time goes on (no magic drop off at any age of course, just a continual decline) and you might not get the chance. And hope he doesn't take too long to come around.


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## Suki73

I just think a lot of men don't "get it" because they do not have that biological imperative staring them in the face. 

I was with someone for 10 years and it was not "suitable" to have kids. This was my fault as much as his, I have to say. But that relationship broke up and I found myself unexpectedly distraught at the thought that I may never have children. 

I strongly feel that if the OP wants children she and her OH will have to make a decision sooner rather than later. For many this is a dealbreaker in a relationship.


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## Bubba3

Great advice girls.:flower: As for being blunt , we all need truths sometimes .:thumbup:You got me back in line when I was ss like a loony:winkwink: I totally took our fertility for granted , I'm ashamed to say I think I was totally arrogant about the whole thing. I'm also lucky to have two already and now I really feel for some of you tryi g for a first. Please , please not in a patronizing way I guess I just only now properly understand how tough this all is. 
Were having tests but so far the dr thinks it's age related for us. Me being 36 . 
Take care all:hugs:


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## Elodie

Thank you to everyone for all the advice - it is greatly appreciated and means a lot to me. 

My partner is definitely 'waiting' for the right time - ie when we have moved to France, when he has a good job over there, we have a house, more money etc etc, but who knows when all this will happen?! It could be years. I have to take this gently with him though, making him aware of the statistics and of my feelings. I don't feel anyone has been blunt at all, in fact, I am grateful for the honesty and sharing of stories that I have read here. 

I think part of the problem is that we live in London and most people our age are still acting like they are in their 20s, getting drunk, partying, and generally refusing to grow up. We are off to France this week and I will be ovulating, so you never know... we aren't using any contraception at the moment but are being 'careful' so there could be a chance. So my OH knows that there is the possibility that we could get pregnant.

Also, I need to start looking after my body a bit more if I want to conceive. I currently have a stressful job, drink a reasonable amount, and don't do a load of exercise - although I'm slim I know I could be a LOT healthier. So I need to sort myself out too, but I guess without the motivation of knowing that we are going to start trying, I think, what's the point? I know that sounds ridiculous as I should be looking after myself regardless!

Thanks so much everyone, I really, truly appreciate all the support. Will keep you posted on what happens in the near future!


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## Junebug_CJ

Bonne chance alors Élodie!!!
Just for the record, we conceived our first month of trying when I was 36. It REALLY depends on many factors, on top of the woman's age. In my day to day job I see many couples who deal with infertility and the majority are in their 20's-30's.


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## truly_blessed

Here's my two penneth for the taking.

I, like you, began to worry about having children when I turned 35/36 ish. My DF is 14 years younger than me so age really was an issue for us. At first he really wasn't ready but when I turned 38 in Dec 07, I decided I couldn't leave it any longer. I came off the pill in July 08 and we didn't actively TTC but didn't prevent it either. It took until Sep 09 for me to get a BFP which unfortunately ended in MMC in Nov 09. We then started actively TTC again in April 10 and did OPKs and clearblue monitor and it still took until May 11 to finally get a healthy pregnancy and I'm now 41, 42 in Dec. I also had 2 very early losses or chemicals in 6 months.

To anyone who says it's impossible to get pregnant naturally over the age of 40, it seems myself and a few other ladies on here must be miracle workers.

It does take longer, it is more stressful as you are constantly worrying about whether or not it will ever happen, especially if it's your first.

My advice would be don't wait until you're ready, it's likely it will take you much longer than you think to conceive. 

If you have the money it may be worth going private for blood tests to check your FSH and progesterone levels and put your mind at ease a little. At least then you'll have an idea of how much time you have. If possible get OH to have sperm analysis as you never know. Funnily enough we actually managed to conceive this one after I had blood tests and a hycosy (HSG) but DF was advised to take zinc and selenium for his sperm as there were some questions around the quality and he's only 27.

Good luck hun xx


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## newbie74

Hello Elodie,
I thought I would add my 2 cents.
I got married to my first husband when I was 27. My husband was 36. He said the first time in his life he was excited about settling down and have a family. I was glad and told him I would like to get pregnant with my first before I'm 30. 
When I was 20 I was on the pill, missed one pill and got pregnant. I was in college and didn't go on with the pregnancy:( So I always thought I have to be extra careful because I get pregnant very easily. After this I was very serious with the pills and never missed another one.
Came age 30 and my ex said he needs more time. I said ok, my career was nowhere yet, I had so much going on, so I didn't mind. 
Then I was 32 and he said again he is not ready and actualy he doesn't know if he ever be ready. He was already 42, had a great carrer, made tons of money. He said he doesn't want the responsibility and basically he doesn't want to grow up. It was a very difficult time. I was very sad, wasn't angry but very very sad. After a few weeks not really talking I told him, that I loved him but if he makes me choose between him and a baby, I'm sorry but i will choose a baby. He said to me with teary eyes that he doesn't want to lose me and needs 1 more year. I said ok.
age 33 nothing and at the end of that year we separated. After the holidays I've moved out. We were both very sad, he was crying I was crying...
Next year I met my second husband :) He already has children and he was very excited about having more. Especially because he only sees his children every other weekend. 
So we started trying when I was about to turn 36 (last year), I stopped the pill and I was sure I will get preggo right away.... Not so much...
After 2 iuis, HSG, tons of blood tests still nothing. I just found out a few days ago that my AMH is is less than 0.1. Basically I don't have much eggs left. I was/am devastated. My insurance covers iuis but not IVF. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that right now I feel so much anger toward my ex for wasting my time. I just got a "hey, how is everything" email from him. I can't even reply because i just want hurt him so bad.
Noneless to say, since our separation my ex told me that he regrets his decision, and he would want me back and would make as many babies as I want. Thanks a lot!

It is very difficult. I think at least what you should do is have all tests done: FSH, E2, HSG, AMH, d21 progesterone. So at least you know what shape you're in. And have a better idea how much time you have. Although those results can drop tremendously after 35.
I wish you all the best!


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## Suki73

newbie74, 

Just want to say :hugs: I really, really get where you're coming from. I spent 10 years of my life with a timewaster, who left me completely broken at the age of 33. I have since met someone absolutely wonderful and we want to have a child together, but I'm 38 and have no idea if I can still conceive. I'm terrified, actually. 

The anger is very difficult to deal with. I still feel it and I probably always will. The only thing I can say is, don't waste any more time thinking about him, focus on the positive stuff, and remember, you can do plenty of things to help the process along, whether that involves natural interventions or medical assistance. 

Wishing you all the best. :dust:


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## newbie74

Hi Sukie,
Thank you for your kind words. I would like to make it clear that, I've moved on with my anger and I am focusing on the good things and i have a wonderful husband, so it is very easy to be happy. 
I have a great relationship with my ex, we respect each other and I know that I could always count on him if needed. We are like brother and sister. I'm just feeling angry right now because I got my AMH result a few days ago (middle of pms hehe) and I just felt like I lost all hope and its because I've wasted my time with him. If you read my journal you can see that I went thru lot of treatments, monitoring and such.

Elodie, one more idea if you don't mind: maybe if you do all the tests and have a clearer picture, you can show him everything (your results and statistics) and explain everything. That might bring him "to his senses" :)
And another thought many of my friends suggested that I should be "crafty" and "trick" him somehow. I rejected the idea, like you did. I didn't want to have a baby knowing that he didn't want it as much as I did, i didn't want to force it on him.
Now?? maybe I should have. I don't know. Then again, probably even knowing what I know now and been through what I've been through, still couldn't do it. But at least the knowledge might have convinced him.


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## Elodie

Hi everyone and thanks again for the posts and advice. 

Newbie74, I'm sorry to hear of your previous sadness, but it sounds like now you are with a really great guy who wants to have children with you, so try to stay positive (easy to say I know).

Nothing short of a miracle has happened recently. A week and a half ago, before we were due to go to France, my OH and I had a very honest and open conversation. We have discussed having a baby on many occasions, so no surprises there. I did say to him that no-one (including myself) ever feels ready and that he is the first person that I have wanted to have a family with, and I know how important it is to him too.
Then, he said that we should start trying! Without any pressure from me, just discussion of the situation and the reality of my age etc. So we started TTC that night, I was ovulating whilst we were on holiday, tracked my LH surge and temp etc. I know it is early days and that it might take a while, but just the thought that we are TTC and that it is a mutual decision has brought us so much closer. I feel really happy and excited at the moment, and am pleased that the decision has come mutually and hasn't involved any manipulation nor trickery. I know that there may be ups and downs along this journey, but I feel I am now entering a new exciting stage of my life that I am ready for.

Thanks again everyone.


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## Jax41

Hi Elodie, I've stalked you on here but had to post now to say so happy for you, that's fab news, now go get that BFP!!!

:dust::dust::dust::dust:


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## newbie74

Elodie, I am so happy for you!!! He sounds like a very nice guy! You guys are going to be very happy! Lots of baby dust to you!!


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## Elodie

newbie74 said:


> Elodie, I am so happy for you!!! He sounds like a very nice guy! You guys are going to be very happy! Lots of baby dust to you!!

Thank you so much! I'm wishing you all the luck in the world too.

:flower:


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## LLbean

Elodie...YEY glad he is finally on board...lots of baby dust to you and hope that BFP shows up REAL SOON!


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## Junebug_CJ

Perfect Elodie, so glad he came to his senses :haha:

As for hormonal investigations, if you are having regular periods, you do not have a problem with ovulation. It is not something I routinely recommend to patients unless they've been trying for 1 year (for under 35 years) or for 6 months (for 35 and up). It takes on average 6-12 months for a healthy couple in their mid-30's to conceive, so give it a shot first before getting potentially unnecessary investigations done. The best and easiest way is to start doing Basal Body Temperature monitoring to pin-point which days you ovulate (if you have regular cycles you ARE ovulating!), then :sex: for the 4-5 days before and of ovulation! www.fertilityfriend.com allowed me to do this and we conceived the first month I tried!


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## truly_blessed

ar Elodie, that's great news


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## Indigo77

Glad you worked it out...Agree that dishonesty is never the right path...


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