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## sweetlullaby

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## lauren-kate

About him being at the birth... it isn't his right to be there. It's up to you who is there, and he can't be there if you don't want him to be. 

He would get access to see baby, but that is the only point on which he has a 'right'.


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## lou_w34

Oh my god! I am actually fuming for you!!!

And for one, he will not be aloud in the hospital corridor, if you dont want him there, the hospital WILL and should remove him, so dont worry about that one, if you dont want him there, he wont be there.

Stop reading the law stuff for now, its just gunna stress you out more, take a break, and have a early night, and if you want to resume it tomorrow!

All i can say is that his mum sounds like a selfish witch!!!!

Ignore her, YOU no the truth, and that is all that matters 

big :hugs: to you!!

xx


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## sweetlullaby

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## lilyd

Totally agree with what the others have said. Trying to get their own way by intimidation and threats is no way to try and resolve matters.

He has no right to be at the hospital (you don't even have to tell him when you are in labour if you don't want to). No hospital is going to allow him to be there if it is against your wishes.

You can register the birth with or without him being there, but even if he is present and his name is going on the birth certificate (I am assuming from everything else that has been said that he will want it to, but if he genuinely wants a dna, does he expect you - and why would he want - to let his name go on there until he is proven to be the father) , it is up to you what surname your baby has. It is nothing to do with his mother.

I'm sure there is a huge amount of variation is what visitation courts award (although I doubt any court would award 50/50), but a (male) friend of mine had to go to court for access to his baby and he was awarded 2 hours per fortnight in a contact centre. This did not change until baby was 1. There was no violence or substance issues in the relationship, they just split on bad terms. If this is the road he really wants to pursue then I would let him - from my friends experience it is a long (and potentially costly) exercise. If he (and his family) are too immature to put aside the relationship breakdown and discuss an amicable agreement then ultimately it will be them that suffers. (Have they also asked if you will be breastfeeding? If you are then obviously your LO isn't going to be going anywhere overnight)

Maybe you could write a letter to both the FOB and his mother saying that you have never indicated that you would deny access and would like to work out a mutually acceptable agreement and see where it gets you (sorry if you have already tried this, I don't know the full story). Personally, I would also be inclined to say that if the FOB has doubts about the paternity that contact would be better of being postponed until the dna test results are through. Why would he want to bond with a child he doesn't believe is his?

Sorry I've rambled on!
Good luck, hope things get better x

P.S. Should also add that by the time my friend gets overnight access his son will be 2


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## sweetlullaby

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## lou_w34

I dont get why his mum cares so much... especially considering in her eyes he may not even be the dad. She just seems determined to make life hard for you! 

She cant have the best of both worlds, either they drop the dna demands, or they have the test and remain as detatched from you as possible until the results come through.

:hugs:


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## lauren-kate

Another thing I want to add.. with them being a bit 'off', (for want of a better word) I would document every time you meet with them, every text message, e-mail, letter, etc they send to you, and every one you send to them. You've suggested it may go to court eventually, but even if it doesn't, it's good to have everything documented and recorded. I did this, and I feel a lot better knowing that I have it, even if I never use it. I've even forgotten some of the things that I wrote down. This way, you can show a court that you are being reasonable and fair, and that you are not denying him access.


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## purpledahlia

im so angry for you,

Dont let him stress you out so much, He and his mum have no idea about anything and their demands are unreasonable and stupid. Let them make demands it isnt going to do anything other than push you away. 

Dont let them intimidate you!!

If i were you, I would write a letter. Then meet them (all 4 of you) and point by point go thru it. They say one thing, you exokain reasons/etc about that point. I think they need reassured your gonna let them see the baby, however i would make a strong clear point that that wont be happening till the DNA which he is demanding is done and they have results. 

'' If you dont believe this child is yours 100% then you have no right to be there, see the baby, speak to me, or demand ANYTHING untill the results are through. Im assuming you will be paying for the DNA test? If you think you doi have the right to those things then i can only assume your demanding a DNA test to be difficult. you simply cannot have the best of both worlds, you either believe the child is yours or you dont. Untill you decide nothing else is going to be discussed. I wont be bullied into anything '' - id say that in the letter.

And like someone else said, Id let them take you to court, their demands will be laughed at. 

x


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

yeah exactly. DO NOT tell them when you go into labour. I would tell them your not gonna inform them if they carry on like this. 

YOU make the rules, and they can like it or lump it. THEY do not make demands and you fit in to them, its the other way around ONLY. If the next meeting goes the same then i would say to them what i said above about DNA, then say, ill let you know when shes born and you can start court proceedings i wont be bullied by an unreasonable adult and his mother. then walk away.

Arse's


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

If you end up in an argument say to them, if you dont calm down and listen to what i have to say like an adult i am going to walk away right now and not meet with you again. 

stay calm! be the bigger person, let them loose their temper they will look really silly!


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## lilyd

Agree with Purpledahlia. Stay calm and if you do see them, just state your case. You are being perfectly logical and they are being both unreasonable and ignorant. I don't think any judge would look favourably on anyone that was trying to bully and intimadate someone who was about to give birth.


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## suzib76

i wouldnt meet them on sunday hun, you dont need that kind of stress right now - also not sure why the 2 mothers are meeting and trying to sort out things concerning 2 adults and their child - its your baby, if he wants to fight for access then he will, but you dont have to do anything other than have your lo, go home and enjoy it meantime


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## suzanne108

sweetlullaby said:


> 1. Im evil and havnt gave him a chance.
> 2. I wasnt complaining when me and FOB had sex...(yes she said this to my mother)
> 3. I've pushed FOB away.
> 4. I know where they live...i should have called around.
> 5. FOB wants a dna test because supposidly I had another guy on the go around the same time. (errrr wtf???!!!)
> 6. They think its acceptable for them to see LO a couple of nights a week and all weekend and that they can take LO to meet all his family etc.
> 7. LO should have FOB surname and if i dont SHE is going to create hell as well as him.
> 8. Wanted to know about baby being christened??!! my mum said that if i do get baby christened because me and FOB arnt married it would be a dedication blessing type thing in our church....she said why not ****** Church, the two churches are very similar anyway...errr wtf its the last thing on my mind and if i do go for somethig like a blessing i would have it in the church i grew up in and still go to!!???
> 9. He should get 50/50 access and HE will be getting it.
> 10. Fathers rights. Fathers rights.
> 11. If he wants to be their at the hospital in the corridor whilst im giving birth I CANT stop him.
> 12. He should be allowed in the room when im giving birth.

OK just gonna say what I thought when I read this initially..... (and my god it reminds me sooooooooo much of my situation with FOBs witch of a mother). 

You are NOT evil. She is! Stressing you out so much when you are 39 weeks pregnant is, in my eyes, evil. And something that a grown woman like herself should be more aware of.....and she's calling you immature?? You sound more mature than her. I mean, point number 2, what the hell is she the virgin mary??!!! 

I can't say whether you've pushed FOB away but even if you have, from what I've heard in your others posts he deserves it. 

How can they make all these demands when they are doubting that the baby is even his???? :growlmad:

It is up to you and FOB to arrange visitation but it sounds like he (she) is going to demand much more than they deserve. I would say that once a week is more than enough....and I'm not talking overnight. I'd say one afternoon or evening a week. And maybe even say that he can't take baby away from you until its a certain age....that depends on what you feel comfortable with. 

If they take you to court they do not have a leg to stand on. I very much doubt he'd get 50/50 access for a baby so young. In fact, I'm about 99.9% sure!! My friend has a law degree and I asked her about this...she said they won't take a baby of its mum unless LOs life is under threat i.e. she's a druggie or alcoholic etc. 

Will you be breastfeeding? Not exactly the right reason to consider it but could work in your favour :winkwink:

He has no right whatsoever to be in the room with you when you give birth...I'd even state it in the birth plan that he is not to enter the room. And should be physically removed if he sneaks in somehow!! As for waiting outside in the corrider....if he wants to do that let him waste his time and do it, doesn't mean he'll get to see you or baby at the end of it. 

About the christening......tell her to fuck off. Nothing to do with her! 

Babies surname is 100% up to YOU. And again, nothing to do with her, tell her to fuck off :haha: Are you supposed to have the poor child nameless until he gets his DNA test?? If he thinks the baby might not be his why does he want it to have his surname?? Total contradiction. Sounds like he's just making things up to suit himself. 

I waffled a bit :blush: 

I know I've said it a million times but because our situations are so similar it gets me a bit angry sometimes!! xxx :hugs:


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

i would write him a stronly worded email. and i wouldnt meet them 2m either! but id let them know everything by email, keep a copy and if they show solicitors then thats fine.. it willl be a fair email. i can write one for u to have a look if you want x


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

id write something like this, 
Bear in mind it might be a bit harsh because im in a foul mood... :wacko:

*Dear 'x'

As you know i decided against meeting you and your mother on Sunday. My reasons are as follows :

- My blood pressure is already high and i do not want to get into an argument with you or her in public as this would raise my bp more and poses a risk to the baby if that happens.

-I have decided on a few things which i will let you know now in writing.

As you know our mothers met up, and from what i heard it wasnt the best of meetings. 

I understand you want -

50/5- Access
Your name on the Birth Certificate
To take the baby overnight from early on
The baby to have your surname
The baby christened in your church
In the room whilst im giving birth
And in the hospital in general while im giving birth

As far as the Hospital goes I am allowed 1 birthing partner, This is 'x' and she/he will be with me the whole time in the room. Labour wards do not allow more than one person per patient and that is the rules. As you have offered me no support through the pregnancy i cannot see you supporting me at one of the most painfull times possible so i am having someone with me who will. You can try to get into the corridor if you wish but its against hospital policy, and without trying to start an argument you would be best to come after im on the ward in the designated visiting hours. You risk getting banned by the hospital from the hospital by causing a fuss.

As far as all the other things you want to happen go, I cannot understand why you want these things, and are demanding them when you do not even believe 100% that the baby is yours. I feel like you are doing it to be difficult and cause another issue. Either you think the babys yours and then have a right to ask for things, or you dont and as you have already noted, want a DNA test. It simply makes no sense to want both.

I will not deny you a DNA test (im assuming you are paying this and organising it?) However, you cannot make demands on me and bully me about other things untill the results are back. I will parent my child as i see fit untill the results are in, then i will consider your opinions on the baby and her/his upbringing. It makes no sense to give into your demands when you do not even think the child is yours.

I have 21 days to register the birth, a DNA test will not be done in time. I will be registering the birth as soon as possible as i need to claim my tax credits and child benefit. I simply cannot afford to wait weeks for a DNA test to do this as i need the money things in order. Therefore i will put my name only on it, and once the DNA test is back and you have prooved to be a supportive father we can see how things go and i will consider adding you onto the birth certificate. My baby is having my surname and im not discussing that anymore. Untill the DNA test results come back - which your demanding, i will be having limited contact with you. Since your denying your the babys father you have no place to make any demands about the child. We can discuss things in further detail once the results are back. I am being very fair, you want the DNA ... how can you want to be named on a Birth Certificate (which is for life) if you dont believe the child is yours? I feel very let down that you can be so cold towards your child.

Your demands will not stand up in court, so if you are going to go down that route then that is fine by me. I will not be bullied by you or your mum. It takes two people to make a child. You have not been around or involved in any way, you pushed yourself away and i feel hurt for our baby because of that, but it was your choice. 

I am also planning on breast feeding, so the baby will not be going anywhere overnight untill about 1 year old. And untill the baby is weaning will basically be with me all the time. Im happy to meet you and your family at pre-arranged times and places, but i will not be handing over my child and leaving for a few hours. I trust you can accept this as its for the welfare of the baby if the baby needs fed? and after all, this is about the child not anyone else.

From now on any discussions about the baby will be between me and you, no other family members have any right to interfere. WE are the adults/parents, we can discuss anything needed to be discussed. We do not need to have anyone getting involved as it will only make things worse i trust you as an adult can understand this? *

ok i waffled on a bit, maybe when i re-read that in the morning i would change some, but its a general idea of what id say. Its important to add in a few '' i feel's '' as that is more likely to make him feel bad rather than angry and defensive. you said you have 41 days or something to reg birth? we here have 21 so i just wrote 21.. u'd need to check what yours is. and i dont know if you are going to BF but if you are... 

hopefully some of it will be of use! 

I cant sleep. :cry:


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## oldermummy

Hi, I have just read your thread and would like to just say how awful all of this must be for you. 
I have been down the court route with my now teenage daughter and I would just like to advise you to be careful about anything you write to him, especially if he is threatening court as your correspondance can be taken into account. If you do write or email him, at the top put 'Without Predudice' (sp) , that way it couldn't be taken into consideration by a judge.
As difficult as it may be for you to try and put all of this out of your mind for the time being I would try to so you can enjoy you baby's birth and first few days. 
Sending you lots of hugs.


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## suzib76

Purpledahlia that is brilliant :) i think being in a harsh mood helped


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## purpledahlia

i just re-read it but i would take into account what older mummy says and add in ' withut predjeduce ' but even if it was taken into account in court i think its reasonable in the fact that its just clearly stating that he cant bully her and the courts im assuming and hoping wouild take that into account that she clearly feels intimidated by him, maybe id also add in something like ' i feel i cannot say this to you in person for fear of your reaction, ' or something. xxx


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:


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## sweetlullaby

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## lou_w34

That is one amazing letter!!
Its not harsh, its being straight to the point without being bitchy!

Well done! 

Hope your both feeling better :hugs:

xx


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## teal

The letter sounds really good! 

Hope you're feeling better :hugs: xx


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## sweetlullaby

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## purpledahlia

I would tell them to back off or you will contact the police as its harrassment. Def go to CAB tomorrow..


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## sweetlullaby

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## teal

I hope you manage to speak to someone tomorrow. 

It's horrible him and his mum are causing all this extra stress for you - especially so close to your due date. 

Sending you hugs :hugs: xx


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