# Torn apart..



## TrinUC

Hi, I'm new here.. I don't know where to begin.
I delivered my baby Monday at 4pm, I was 16 weeks. I'm extremely torn apart, especially now while I am making burial arrangements. This is extremely hard and painful. I can't stop blaming myself, I know I did nothing wrong and took very good care of myself while I was pregnant, but I can't make myself believe it wasn't my fault. I keep thinking that maybe if I hadn't forgotten to take my prenatal vitamin that one day or maybe if I had walked passed a group of people who were smoking faster this wouldn't have happened. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's just what I keep thinking.. I don't know. I'm very sad.


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## OliveBay

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain and sadness you are going through. It is natural to want answers but please don't blame yourself for what has happened. Allow yourself to grieve but please don't feel that it was your fault. Go easy on yourself and take care of yourself at this difficult time. Sending you lots of love and support :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Again I'm so sorry for your loss. It's sooo common to try to balme yourself, or any incidental things that happened just prior but please know that nothing you did/didn't do caused this. It is such a shock I know and it's normal to seek answers but unfortunately in most cases of pPROM there are no known definite causes, which is really hard to accept I know. It makes it even more difficult not to latch on to unrelated things - I had myself convinced that it was our water supply that had caused it due to bathing in it for quite a while there! 

Things will still be so fresh and raw for you, please be as gentle on yourself as you can be, especially whilst trying to arrange the funeral, it's hard going. Like I said before, don't be afraid to ask anything, no matter how strange it seems, one of us will have felt it/thought it etc and will be able to give you some support and validation.

I wish you as gentle days ahead as possible and I'm so sad to welcome you here xx


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## dnlfinker

I am deeply sorry for your loss :nope:. Please dont blame youself :cry:, there are things in life that we cant prevent:cry:. We all here can relate to the feeling of regret that hunts you today :cry:, but I promise taht it will get easier with time. I lost my little girl at 19 weeks of pregnancy :cry:and had D and E. There is not a day that I stop thinking about her :baby: and about what happened. We all here have the good and the bad days. I have to say that we been here for each other for a while , and def will be here for you if you are feeling down , or simply want to talk! 

THis is the worst of the worse places to meet because of the nature of this topic. Please please take care of yourself in this grieving moment, lots of :hugs:

Natalie


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## TrinUC

Thank you both so much, I work there at the hospital as a secretary in OB unit so the nurses who took care of me are also my coworkers and friends. Several of them are taking this very hard as well and are questioning their credentials as nurses, fearing they missed something that could have been prevented. I keep telling them it's not their fault and there was nothing they did wrong or could have done to prevent this and I feel like a hypocrite because I want them to believe it wasn't their fault, but I can't get myself to believe it.

It's also very hard because my niece passed away 6 years ago when she was 4 months old, I took her passing extremely hard and suffer from PTSD because of it and this is all bringing back so many painful memories. I want so badly to be with my niece and my baby, but I know I must push forward because my wonderful boyfriend and family need me to be here. It's just so very hard and I feel so weak.


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## TrinUC

dnlfinker said:


> I am deeply sorry for your loss :nope:. Please dont blame youself :cry:, there are things in life that we cant prevent:cry:. We all here can relate to the feeling of regret that hunts you today :cry:, but I promise taht it will get easier with time. I lost my little girl at 19 weeks of pregnancy :cry:and had D and E. There is not a day that I stop thinking about her :baby: and about what happened. We all here have the good and the bad days. I have to say that we been here for each other for a while , and def will be here for you if you are feeling down , or simply want to talk!
> 
> THis is the worst of the worse places to meet because of the nature of this topic. Please please take care of yourself in this grieving moment, lots of :hugs:
> 
> Natalie

Thank you very much. It is a terrible place to meet, but I am grateful to have met all of you.


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## Bride2b

Hi hun, sorry you have to join us here. I am new too, I lost my baby boy last Monday at just 19 weeks. You might have seen my thread.

I have similar feelings to you. I think its the initial shock of this happening as its not something you could even dream about happening. (not dream but you know what I mean). 

You will search for answers...I am, you will feel guilty.....I do, you will want to scream in pain....I have, and dread the day you have to have the funeral.....just like I am.

There is not a lot I can say that can take away the pain, except we are all here for the same crappy reason, and things in life are pretty crap if you end up here. But everyone here is always on hand to give advice & support. Its been my saviour. I am on here all the time, reading posts & taking advice from others who have been through what we have. Its a safe place where you can scream, cry....and hopefully laugh and not feel like you are burdening people that dont understand exactly what you are going through.

I would love to say things will get easier.....but I'm only 10 days in and havent found peace with it yet, mostly as its too raw, we've not had the funeral or any results back or answers as to why we had to lose our gorgeous little baby so suddenly and unfairly!

Please stick around, and please ask questions, as I say I dont know how I would have got through these last few days without these amazing ladies here!
Take care xxx


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry for your loss, it is just a terrible grief that we never get over .
I lost my Ava at 20 weeks .I gave birth to her in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011 and now I have good days and bad, but we get through it but never over it. Please don't ever blame yourself, that is part of the grieving process also anger but mostly sadness. I just feel I will never be the same, I am just so sad and I miss Ava so much every day:cry::cry::cry:
We are ALL here for you day or night, I promise you will get better it just takes a long time.
XOXOXOXOOX Andrea:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## amotherslove

i felt exactly the same after losing lily.. like if i hadnt eaten that meat slice once, or if i'd been on prenatals longer before.. and again with the smokers.. if i'd just done something.. i dunno.. it's just such a terrible thing

i'm so sorry for your loss<3


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## TrinUC

Bride2b - I am very sorry for your loss, it is a terrible thing to go through. Yes, I know what you mean, I know too that there is not much you can say because I know all we want is our babies back and nothing said will make that happen. It is extremely unfair and I feel extremely bitter because as I said I work on an OB unit and I have seen my share of drug addicted women who didn't care about their unborn babies and they managed to have full term, healthy pregnancies.. and I followed every single rule possible and this happened to me. It's just not fair..

Andypanda6570 - My condolences to you, as well. I can't imagine going through all of that in my home, I'm very sorry. I had an epidural at the hospital to help ease the contraction pains and I also needed a D&C because the placenta ripped in half. I barely want to set foot in or even drive by the hospital now. I will be burying my baby on Tuesday, the 13th, the burial was supposed to be tomorrow, but my 401k withdrawal check didn't make it here in time so I had to move it to Tuesday.

amotherslove - I'm sorry you lost your baby Lily. If only we could get ourselves to acknowledge what happened to us wasn't our fault, I suppose in time we will make it to that point.


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## sunkiss

awww hunny i am so sorry for ur lost :hugs:

it is such an awful thing to endure, a mommy should never have to go through this, i share ur pain as u can see from my signature and i dont know if we will ever get over it, but i do know with each day it is getting a little better, all we can do is take one day at a time, each day u may feel different emotions and that is ok, i know how u feel about blaming urself n the what ifs, i still feel that and i know its not my fault, every scientific reason will tell me its not my fault but its so natural to place blame on urself..the truth is that our angels were too precious for this earth...keep ur faith and know that God has a plan, its what helps me to get through it, ur beautiful princess Angel Adalynn is all around you, she will never leave ur heart, sometimes when i am feeling down i put Olivia's hat on my chest and i can feel her hugging my heart, ur angel will find ways to comfort u and bring u through this, take ur time n heal, u will see better days :hugs:


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## TrinUC

sunkiss said:


> awww hunny i am so sorry for ur lost :hugs:
> 
> it is such an awful thing to endure, a mommy should never have to go through this, i share ur pain as u can see from my signature and i dont know if we will ever get over it, but i do know with each day it is getting a little better, all we can do is take one day at a time, each day u may feel different emotions and that is ok, i know how u feel about blaming urself n the what ifs, i still feel that and i know its not my fault, every scientific reason will tell me its not my fault but its so natural to place blame on urself..the truth is that our angels were too precious for this earth...keep ur faith and know that God has a plan, its what helps me to get through it, ur beautiful princess Angel Adalynn is all around you, she will never leave ur heart, sometimes when i am feeling down i put Olivia's hat on my chest and i can feel her hugging my heart, ur angel will find ways to comfort u and bring u through this, take ur time n heal, u will see better days :hugs:

Thank you very much, I am sorry for your loss as well. Yes, it is a very awful thing to endure, I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. Yeah, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster, one minute I'm my old self cracking my usual jokes and the next I'm bawling, not wanting to talk to anyone. Like you said I too know it's not my fault and I'm very big on science, but it's diffcult making myself believe it. I felt Angel Adalynn move one last time before they induced me, I like to think she was telling me "see you later, mommy" I won't ever forget how it felt to have her dancing and doing somersaults inside of me. Just my like baby Angel Adalynn, Olivia will always be with you. :hugs:


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## yazoo

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened but I know that we all blame ourselves at one time or another. It is still very raw for you so please be gentle on yourself and take one day at a time. It has been almost 4 months for me and I still find it so hard. We're here for you whenever you want. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## winterwonder

I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: It is still so raw for you so don't expect yourself to come to terms with it yet, i still haven't 3 months down the line, but as others have said, you will always find support here.

xxxxxx


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## TrinUC

Bride2b said:


> Hi hun, sorry you have to join us here. I am new too, I lost my baby boy last Monday at just 19 weeks. You might have seen my thread.

I tried finding your thread, but I'm still a little lost with the interface of the forum... :(


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## TrinUC

yazoo said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what happened but I know that we all blame ourselves at one time or another. It is still very raw for you so please be gentle on yourself and take one day at a time. It has been almost 4 months for me and I still find it so hard. We're here for you whenever you want. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Thank you for your continuing support on my thread and even on yours. I am sorry for your loss as well.



winterwonder said:


> I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: It is still so raw for you so don't expect yourself to come to terms with it yet, i still haven't 3 months down the line, but as others have said, you will always find support here.
> 
> xxxxxx

Thank you you very much. I am sorry for your loss too.


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## TrinUC

I have a question -- how are all of your husbands, boyfriends, partners and so on taking everything that has happened?


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## TrinUC

winterwonder, I am sooo happy you were able to get footprints of your baby. Mine didn't come out too well with the ink, but then again Angel Adalynn was only 16 weeks.. I was fortunate enough to be able to find out her sex.


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## Bride2b

TrinUC said:


> I have a question -- how are all of your husbands, boyfriends, partners and so on taking everything that has happened?

I had a bit of a rant yesterday about my OH. My thread is called "Just need support,feel so lost." I did go off on one a bit but I felt really unsupported yesterday by him as his way of dealing with things is to make himself busy with things. He shut himself away in the office last night working on a business plan of a business he is looking to buy. I know this is important and ultimately wanting to do this for our family (when we finally have one!). I know this is his way of coping, as sadly he lost his dad on 21st Sept. His way of coping was to be there for his mum, he took control of the funeral & all the bills, payments etc.....he never grieved I dont think. We both had a few drinks a few nights after Bertie was born and he opened up loads. I say a few drinks (4 bottles of wine!! And I am usually a non drinker!!).

I think blokes deal with things very differently to us. They are better at hiding their feelings, but I dont think this means they are not hurting. Part of my OH hiding his grief I think is not to upset me by talking about it if he can see I am in a good place....but by not talking about it was upsetting me. Us women I think need a hug & just someone to hold you tight when you just want to scream and cry, men deal with it in a completely different way.

How is your OH taking it?
x


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## mhazzab

TrinUC said:


> I have a question -- how are all of your husbands, boyfriends, partners and so on taking everything that has happened?

we were told before we even left the hospital by the chaplain, that at some point we would get annoyed at each other because we would grieve differently...this seemed crazy when she said it, but actually turned out to be true.

we were so close for the first few days and stuck together, but then, I think he felt a bit smothered, and he wanted to get out and see friends, but I wanted to stay at home and see nobody. We did have arguments, I remember someone else asking the same thing on here before, and lots of us said their relationship started off very close, then became strained, and they had to be sure to talk everything through to get through it together.

Although both parents lose a child, I think it is different for the woman. We carried the child, bonded, felt them move and grow inside of us, and had to give birth. I think guys don't tend to bond till later on, so it's slightly different for them. We have to deal with the empty stomach, endless bleeding, crazy hormones. 

I also found that hubby doesn't talk about them much, but I know now that it's not because he doesn't love or miss them, but just because men tend to deal with things differently and keep things in to try and protect us. Hubby went to a funeral a few weeks ago, when he came home, he told me he had gone to the memorial garden, where we scattered the ashes, and said hi to our girls and told them we loved them and missed them. What he said (and did) was quite unexpected and it was so sweet. I loved him for that.

xxx


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## jennijunni

I am so sorry. It is normal to blame yourself, and is a part of grieving, but done let it get carried away. It can hurt your heart even more. Nothing you did caused this, please try to go easy on yourself. I am so sorry for your loss, it is so devastating. We are here to listen, and comfort as much as we can. Lots of hugs!!


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## winterwonder

The hospital i was at were amazing about creating as many souvenirs as possible, so i've also got buds handprints, his tags saying baby of christine, all his measurements in a pretty booklet instead of a birth certificate and they took photos for me as well.

My oh has been pretty good but doesnt always talk about him and can only cry in front of me, i know he only just got round to telling his best friend who lives abroad as the idea of writing that letter was difficult for him to do. 

i hope your ok xxx


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## TrinUC

Bride2b said:


> TrinUC said:
> 
> 
> I have a question -- how are all of your husbands, boyfriends, partners and so on taking everything that has happened?
> 
> I had a bit of a rant yesterday about my OH. My thread is called "Just need support,feel so lost." I did go off on one a bit but I felt really unsupported yesterday by him as his way of dealing with things is to make himself busy with things. He shut himself away in the office last night working on a business plan of a business he is looking to buy. I know this is important and ultimately wanting to do this for our family (when we finally have one!). I know this is his way of coping, as sadly he lost his dad on 21st Sept. His way of coping was to be there for his mum, he took control of the funeral & all the bills, payments etc.....he never grieved I dont think. We both had a few drinks a few nights after Bertie was born and he opened up loads. I say a few drinks (4 bottles of wine!! And I am usually a non drinker!!).
> 
> I think blokes deal with things very differently to us. They are better at hiding their feelings, but I dont think this means they are not hurting. Part of my OH hiding his grief I think is not to upset me by talking about it if he can see I am in a good place....but by not talking about it was upsetting me. Us women I think need a hug & just someone to hold you tight when you just want to scream and cry, men deal with it in a completely different way.
> 
> How is your OH taking it?
> xClick to expand...

My OH is doing the same, he's is burying himself in work. We both live with our parents, (he just turned 23 and I'm about to be 25, but I ran into financial problems when I lived on my own so had to move back in with my parents) but after he gets out from work he goes straight home, I'm finding myself begging him to come over and just cuddle with me. I feel like I failed him because of what happened to the baby so I feel like he's just staying away because he hates me or something, I know that's not true, but that's how I feel. 



mhazzab said:


> TrinUC said:
> 
> 
> I have a question -- how are all of your husbands, boyfriends, partners and so on taking everything that has happened?
> 
> we were told before we even left the hospital by the chaplain, that at some point we would get annoyed at each other because we would grieve differently...this seemed crazy when she said it, but actually turned out to be true.
> 
> we were so close for the first few days and stuck together, but then, I think he felt a bit smothered, and he wanted to get out and see friends, but I wanted to stay at home and see nobody. We did have arguments, I remember someone else asking the same thing on here before, and lots of us said their relationship started off very close, then became strained, and they had to be sure to talk everything through to get through it together.
> 
> Although both parents lose a child, I think it is different for the woman. We carried the child, bonded, felt them move and grow inside of us, and had to give birth. I think guys don't tend to bond till later on, so it's slightly different for them. We have to deal with the empty stomach, endless bleeding, crazy hormones.
> 
> I also found that hubby doesn't talk about them much, but I know now that it's not because he doesn't love or miss them, but just because men tend to deal with things differently and keep things in to try and protect us. Hubby went to a funeral a few weeks ago, when he came home, he told me he had gone to the memorial garden, where we scattered the ashes, and said hi to our girls and told them we loved them and missed them. What he said (and did) was quite unexpected and it was so sweet. I loved him for that.
> 
> xxxClick to expand...

Yeah, my OH went and spent some time with his friends the other day and I was a bit hurt because I felt he chose them over me, but I understand he needs his time to grieve so I got over it. At the hospital they gave us a teddy bear and I gave it to him and today when I got into his car he had the teddy bear sitting there on the dashboard in front of him.. that made me happy too.



winterwonder said:


> The hospital i was at were amazing about creating as many souvenirs as possible, so i've also got buds handprints, his tags saying baby of christine, all his measurements in a pretty booklet instead of a birth certificate and they took photos for me as well.
> 
> My oh has been pretty good but doesnt always talk about him and can only cry in front of me, i know he only just got round to telling his best friend who lives abroad as the idea of writing that letter was difficult for him to do.
> 
> i hope your ok xxx

The hospital tried to get the footprints and handprints for us, but they didn't come out too well.. I guess it's because Angel Adalynn was only 16weeks.
My OH has only cried in front of me also.. He's a very difficult person to read in general.. before all of this happened I used to tell him he was like a robot because he would never show any emotion.. happy, sad, excited, nothing, he was always just there


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## TrinUC

jennijunni said:


> I am so sorry. It is normal to blame yourself, and is a part of grieving, but done let it get carried away. It can hurt your heart even more. Nothing you did caused this, please try to go easy on yourself. I am so sorry for your loss, it is so devastating. We are here to listen, and comfort as much as we can. Lots of hugs!!

Thank you very much. I am trying very hard to stop blaming myelf. Thank you again.:hugs:


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## parisa

Let me tell u that there is nothing that u could haver done to jeapordize ur baby's health honey! Sometimes as healthy as mothers are, babies are still lost. That happened to me, I loset my girl at five months pregnancy. I was eating healthy, waling regularly, no drugs, smokes or drinks......but she was still taken away from me.
I hope that and I know that u will make it through this really heart breaking time,
The way that ur feeling is only natural, However, over time, u will get to know that non of this was ur fault, it ws just a force , a horrible, horrible force of nature.
I am here for u, and I do know how u feel.
It does become easier over time, but to be honest, you will never completely be over the pain, There will always be that broken piece in ur heart, but do remember that ur baby is now in a better place, that is the only way that u can think of it!

Love,
Parisa


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## TrinUC

parisa said:


> Let me tell u that there is nothing that u could haver done to jeapordize ur baby's health honey! Sometimes as healthy as mothers are, babies are still lost. That happened to me, I loset my girl at five months pregnancy. I was eating healthy, waling regularly, no drugs, smokes or drinks......but she was still taken away from me.
> I hope that and I know that u will make it through this really heart breaking time,
> The way that ur feeling is only natural, However, over time, u will get to know that non of this was ur fault, it ws just a force , a horrible, horrible force of nature.
> I am here for u, and I do know how u feel.
> It does become easier over time, but to be honest, you will never completely be over the pain, There will always be that broken piece in ur heart, but do remember that ur baby is now in a better place, that is the only way that u can think of it!
> 
> Love,
> Parisa

Thank you very much, I'm sorry for the lose of your baby girl. It's getting better every day, but it still stings. Thank you again,


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## daopdesign

I think every mother blames themself at first but you must understand that it was nothing at all that you did wrong. I too lost my baby at 16 weeks and going through that pain and the delivery was the worse time of my life. 

Afterwards you will feel like you are on an emotional rollercoster but it does get easier with time. Don't bottle your feelings up. I cried every morning for about 2 months when I woke up to the reality that I wasn't dreaming, I had lost my baby :cry::cry:

Now is the time to plan an amazing memorial so you can remember and cherish your baby forever. You are in my thoughts and I hope you stay strong for the next few weeks :hugs::hugs:


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## TrinUC

daopdesign said:


> I think every mother blames themself at first but you must understand that it was nothing at all that you did wrong. I too lost my baby at 16 weeks and going through that pain and the delivery was the worse time of my life.
> 
> Afterwards you will feel like you are on an emotional rollercoster but it does get easier with time. Don't bottle your feelings up. I cried every morning for about 2 months when I woke up to the reality that I wasn't dreaming, I had lost my baby :cry::cry:
> 
> Now is the time to plan an amazing memorial so you can remember and cherish your baby forever. You are in my thoughts and I hope you stay strong for the next few weeks :hugs::hugs:

Thank you, I'm sorry you lost your baby too. The pain and delivery definitely was the worse thing I have ever been through in my life, I felt cheated.. went through all of that and then left the hospital empty handed..

I think I'm doing better though, at night when I'm laying in bed is when it gets bad... Angel Adalynn had been moving around for a few weeks before I lost her so now when I lay in bed I expect to feel her moving and I feel nothing, but a broken heart. :cry:


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## jennijunni

I am so sorry. This loss is so fresh, and it will hurt for a long time. We are here to offer support and love, and if at all possible comfort in your time of need. We unfortunatley all share this common, terrible bond, but the friendships here, and the woman here are all so wonderful, and it makes the burden a little easier to bear. Lots of hugs to you, and I again, am so, sorry. Hugs.


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## TrinUC

Thank you very much.
Yes, in the short time that I've been a member in this forum I have gotten a glimpse of all the love and caring that is shared here. These women are all wonderful, including you. Thank you again for your kindness.


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