# How can I get my boyfriend to agree to have a child?



## GormanS

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Hes 32 years old and Im 33. My boyfriend is very responsible and has a good job in trades, and has his own place. Hes also very secure with his job and finically. Basically everything needed to start a great happy family life. 
However it is incredibly frustrating to try talk to him about anything related to having a baby. 
I swear he has a book of list of reasons to not have a child and theyre either pathetic or incredibly selfish reasons. Many of reasons revolve around how he was very miserable when he lived with his family. Also he have a very large lists of all things he wants to do that would cost a lot of money and have many expensive hobbies such as jet ski, sky diving, and other things. He also doesnt want anything to interfere our life. 

So last week, when my sister and her husband went on a vacation, we baby sat their 3 years old son. I was really hoping to show him that just because we have a child, it doesnt mean his life is over.
I tried to take him with me and my boyfriend to disc golf and my boyfriend wasnt too happy about it. Then when our nephew wouldnt stop crying a lot because he wants to play in the park, my boyfriend who hardly gets mad was pissed! He even told me to just strap him in the stroller and let him cry it out!
After that, my boyfriend refuse to let our nephew go anywhere with him!

At home, he doesnt really talk to or do anything with nephew and just lock himself in the office most of the time and only come out once our nephew is in the bed. 
I tried to get him to do something with our nephew, but he says he doesnt like to be slow down or have to baby sit somebody. It was incredibly frustrating!

I have even went as far as let him do his usual thing then treat him to his favorite dinner and dessert, run a bath for him and gave him a long nice massage in hope to get him to see how much Im willing to reward him if hes willing to help with the kid. I was hoping this would make him want to help with the kid even more and see how it could be a good thing.
That just failed miserably!

Im getting really desperate.


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## Webbykinskt

I felt like this before me and DF made a plan. It is really hard to change someone's mind... but you really need to get it out in the open and find out whether he's just not ready or if he never wants a baby. Sorry you're in this position and I hope it makes sense soon xx


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## LovingMyLife

Hello and welcome! I think that you need to sit down and have a serious chat with him. You need to let him know how important it is for you to have a baby. If he is not ready now, find out when he will be ready. You need need to make sure that you are visualizing the same future, including a baby.

A close friend of mine is in a similar position. Her boyfriend and her have bought a house and have lived together for the past few years, but he has no intentions of ever having a kid (he too had a bad childhood and upbringing). She has always wanted kids, and told me recently "I will have a talk with him in another 5 years and see where it goes from there!". I don't think I would give it that long, and if I dated someone that told me that they have no interest in having kids, that would be the end of the relationship...but thats just me. To me, having a baby is more important then dating someone trying to convince them to have a baby the whole time. I just couldn't see myself going further in a relationship knowing there was a chance he would never change his mind.

I know that probably doesn't help you and I rambled on a bunch, but you defiantly need to have a good serious chat about future...

Good Luck!!!


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## odd_socks

* Really sorry ur in this position  my OH is the same with his list of reasons (that are all completely stupid), it drives me nuts though...you really have to have a proper talk with him b/c if he does not want children YOU need to know, its not far to string you along for years and for one day you find out he has no intention of having any. Sorry if that sounds harsh, its not meant that way  u deserve to know where you stand, ive been going through the same thing with my OH too *


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## babyb54

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! :(

Unfortunately, some people just don't (and won't ever) aspire to have children. As other posters have said, you really need to find out if your OH is one of those people, because if so, you're on very separate paths. At 32, he's not a super young 20-something that just needs time to mature and grow towards that role (father).. if he doesn't even like being around children and has no interest in putting his wants and needs aside for a LO, then you may not be able to sway him. 

He's completely entitled to his feelings, of course, but if you both see yourselves with very different futures, this can be a deal breaker.

Anywho, I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation about children. Is it that he's just not ready now, or is that he never wants them? If it's the latter, then you'll need to face the hard decision of whether you're willing to give up the future you want for the one he does, or if you need to find a partner that's more compatible in that department. :(

I'm sorry, and hope I'm not overreaching. Just my two cents. I hope it all works out for you! :hugs: And in the meantime, we're all here for you!!!


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## GormanS

Thanks for all the replies.

Im ashamed to admit this, but when I first got with him, he made it clear he doesnt want to have any child ever. I was fine with that because I was 29 and thought Id feel too old to have a child and I was just starting to dating my boyfriend who got me into many actives. I thought Id be too busy doing all sort of things to even care.

However I am starting to get to point where I dont find the idea of going out and doing something every day without much time at home isnt that appealing any more. Also we are getting to the point where were basically hanging out with crowds in early or mid 20s more than our own age and no longer see many of my friends because they already move on and have their own life.
Even most of my boyfriends friends who were in special force or black water with him have moved on some time ago and they dont even really talk to him anymore. 
Hell a couple months ago, his old friend from college day was talking with him and I overheard his friend making fun of my boyfriend because hes still really fit and look like a professional athlete in mid 20s instead of someone who should be settling down. Then he even told my boyfriend that he is wasting his time doing those all his things and that he have done more than most people would have in a couple life times and that theres absolutely nothing more for him to prove. 

Thats exactly how I feel! I just wish hed for once just lay down on couch and watch tv and enjoy time being lazy at home instead of waking up early and going out to put his life on the line. I used to think women who was with a man that has sorta let himself go and isnt as fun is dumb for staying with him. But now I am starting to really envy those women. 

He doesnt exactly have a bad family life. He just have a parents who had him young then divorce when he was 10 then his mom remarried to a man who was more responsible. They dont really have much money until last year he lived with them. He also is a loner type and doesnt like to be around lot of people which creates a lot of tension between him and his family. 
I can see why he is a bit hesitated, but I have tried very hard to make sure he has the life he wants. I was so sure that once he sees that our nephew doesnt change his life, hed reconsider. But it doesnt work.
Im really tempted to try babysit our nephew more frequently just in hope to get him to see that it isnt so bad. But I dont know what else to do any more.

I really do love my boyfriend. Hes really good to me, no one has treated me as well as he did. I also have never had so much fun with anyone else or been exposed to so many new things and got to experience so many things that Id have never if I was with someone else. So I really want to make this work out. 

I guess Im just a fool.


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## babyb54

You're not a fool at all! You OH sounds like he's great and great for you in every other way (except that maybe you wish you could be lazy _sometimes_ hehe!). And I totally understand why you would have dismissed or not been bothered by his admission to not wanting kids back when you first started dating. 

DH and I had a similar experience - when we were dating, we both said "meh" to kids.. wouldn't rule it out, but were happy not to have any. But I totally 180'd on him after we were married, when my clock just kicked in out of nowhere. Now, fortunately for me, though my DH didn't love the timing, he _does_ want children and I've been able to get him to come around sooner than he might otherwise have...

But if your OH is adamant about never, you really do need to confront that together. One of you will have to cave.. and I don't think it's fair to you to have to keep pandering to him _hoping_ he'll change.


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## swasleyjoe

Maybe you should try to figure out the exact reason he doesn't like children, then try going from there. Maybe it's just a matter of getting used to kids.


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## odd_socks

*I agree with swasleyjoe, if u can find out the reason behind why hes not keen then u can move from there  *


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## Webbykinskt

I agree. Breaking it down and getting to the bare basics will help. I know it's hard hun... I thought I had to leave my OH over it, but we sorted it before I had to. You need to look after your priorities though. So if you know you really want children, then you need to go with that. Don't let him try and convince you that you don't need/want them just so you won't leave him. GL xx


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## GormanS

He doesn&#8217;t like children because he considers them a majority liability and getting in way of anything he wants to do. The example of him getting pissed about our nephew not stop crying at the disc golf is a good example.

Also when he was still living with his mom and step dad, they have to cancel numerous plans all of the times because his step sister have a weak immune system and get sick frequently. So they have to cancel many things due to her being sick, the weather, or just being worried that she might get sick. I think this is what causes him to really not liking children.

He also have pointed out that many of his friends basically let themselves go and their relationship became dull once they have children and that he see absolutely no joy in having children. He looks at having children as a chain and ball around his ankle.

I really don&#8217;t think he&#8217;ll try to convince me to stay. He has a very pacifism attitude when it comes to relationship which makes things even more frustrating. Sometime I just wish he&#8217;d get mad and yell just once so I can do the same without him just walk away.
It&#8217;s very hard because of my age. I really hope to have a child around 35 or so at latest.


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## odd_socks

* I think all you can do is ask him if you will both have kids, because you want children before you get "too old"....His step sister is a bad excuse, just because she was poorly it doesn't mean your child would be. I can see your frustration, I get it with my OH he thinks children stops you doing things in life, but ive told him its either we have kids or i will find someone who will want them, it would break me to lose him but i will not give up on having children, and you shouldnt have to either  good luck*


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## Webbykinskt

I hope it all works out for you hun. I really do. One way or another xx


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## joannemojo

this is an uncomfortable situation. With my previous boyfriend we got together fairly young and it was a few years till i discussed how i viewed my future with having a family etc. he told me in no uncertain terms that he didnt want to have a baby so i resigned myself to the fact that it wouldnt be on the cards and id have to settle with possibly getting married. we broke up for other reasons and it was only after we broke up that i reslised that i did still want a baby and would be clear about this from the start with the next partner and luckily my next boyfriend was happy to have a child with me, its now just down to money and timing. i dont know if i was lucky or whether it was because i was clear about what i wanted but i think you need to be clear with your partner about what you want.


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## LoveCakes

This is a difficult situation for you. He has been clear from the start though and bribing or pushing him into it will only cause resentment. I think you have to have a good chat and understand exactly what you both want out of life and if they are the same thing. Good luck!


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