# My story



## Hellylou

Hello. Some may think it's early to be sharing but for me I need to talk this through and I think it's in my nature to talk rather than wait. It has only been a few days since I lost my little girl but I need to do this. Please hear my story.

3 weeks ago I had my dating scan which made me 13 weeks. At that scan they tried to do an NT scan to check for downs, but couldn't get a good angle. The sonographer was pressing so hard into me it was agony, and left me bruised on my right side. Immediately afterwards I went to the toilet and there was blood when I wiped. I told the midwife and she dismissed it saying let them know if it got any worse. 

4 days later I started to bleed whilst away on holiday. It was not much, and looked like a 'show' before labour. I watched and it stopped, but then the next days started again, this time a little red. I went to the emergency room at the local hospital and they found strong heartbeat and said I had ectropian cervix but didn't scan. Blood was from cervix, nothing more. Told me to get a scan at my own hospital as soon as I could.

I went to my own doctor on return the following week and she said no point in a scan as I had an appointment with obstetrician coming up, and they would check me over then. I waited another week, and by this point I was feeling a little ill. At 15 weeks I began to get a fever and went to hospital, where they checked my cervix, listened to heartbeat, said all was fine but didn't scan. Put me on antibiotics for infection but then I started bleeding. This time it was different. It looked more brown and mucousy (sorry if too much info). I was being checked by so many doctors but no one would scan because the heartbeat was strong and they said my cervix was closed and that was it. Then the blood turned red and even then they said sometimes 'women just bleed for no reason'. I knew it was more than that, and I felt ill, and things were hurting down there.

Finally at 16 weeks the pain started in the night, the bleeding was stronger, and I was taking to emergency room and admitted to gynacology ward. The heartbeat was still strong but it was clear I was leaking amniotic fluid (and had been all along for the last week but no one would see it). By this point I had an infection in the womb and the amniotic fluid was escaping.

They scanned me at last and saw the baby was fine but the fluid was going and there was nothing they could do. I was contracting, and in pain, and there was a clot on the placenta. It looked like it had caused the membrane to rupture. At 16 weeks they said there was nothing they could do to stop the loss, and the pregnancy would fail, and with infection also it posed a danger to me. I believe that the initial scan I had where the sonographer was so rough with me ruptured something back then and started a chain of events that lead to this. I haven't decided how to deal with that yet.

On Saturday I gave birth to my baby. She was perfect in every way, and only passed away seconds before she was born. I couldn't bear to see or hold her then, it was too devestating, but we saw her yesterday to say goodbye. I don't know if I can give her a name. We have 2 children already, Hannah, 12 and Daniel, 10. This one will just be our little Angel who didn't quite get to us to join our family, but will never ever be gone from our hearts. 

Thanks for taking the time to read. I don't know how I can get through this right now but some kind words from those who have been there will certainly help.


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## collie_crazy

I am so sorry you have had to find your way here. What an appauling state of affairs when not one of those doctors you seen scanned you. Maybe there was nothing they could have done to stop the loss but nonetheless they should have scanned you to know exactly what was going on. 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter :cry: 

I lost my daughter, Emily, 7 weeks ago - she was buried 6 weeks ago today. She was 17 weeks and we lost her through Turner Syndrome which is a chromosome abnormality. We did decide to name her because she was our daughter and deserved to be acknowledged - she will always be our first born - but I know different people deal with things in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

I wish I could tell you it gets easier - but I dont think it ever does. I think we certainly get better at 'coping' but I dont think that pain ever goes away. People will tell you that time heals all wounds, well I dont think it does - I think we just learn to live with the scars. 

:hugs::hugs::hugs: 

I have found great comfort and support from all the ladies here. Its sad that we have been brought together in this way, but we are here for each other. If you ever need someone to talk to, someone that knows what you are going through then feel free to PM me or post on here - there will always be someone ready to listen.


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## mhazzab

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, you have been through a terrible time and it's still such early days for you.

12 weeks ago today I lost my twin girls when I went into premature labour at 23 weeks. The first few days and weeks were hell and I really wondered how I would get through this. It still hurts and I miss my girls so much, but I'm able to deal with it better than I could all those weeks ago. I've heard other people say you just find a new 'normal', and that's what it is.

We had a funeral, and it might sound strange, but for me, it helped me to see our close family and friends crying for our girls at the service. it helped recognise that they were a part of our lives and always will be.

I've found so much comfort on this site from speaking to other ladies who have been through the same thing. They have shown so much love and importantly, understanding, which has been hard to find in the 'real world'.

take care of yourself and we are always here for you when you need someone to talk to.

xxx


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## secretbaby

I am so very sorry for your loss (((hugs))) - I had PPROM and lost my baby at 27 weeks (my waters fully went at 20.6 weeks) with PPROM (waters going extremely early) infection is often a cause for it... reading your post I thought that this may have been the case with your loss rather than the sonographer - but I am no medical expert just someone who has lost a baby to PPROM - but it maybe worth asking your doctor about it.


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry, words cannot express. I am thinking of you and sending prayers of strength. 
XOXOXOXOXOO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## angel jayvian

So sorry for your loss .. I loss my first baby. jayvian at 20.6 weeks due to pprom. he was perfect I feel like I failed :(.. I hate the fact that all I got from the hospital was these things happend...but looking back I had bleeding from the beginning of my pregnancy and every time I went to the emergency room all I got was some women bleed and just look at me like am over reacting...and now look my baby boy is gone I knew something was wrong .is a shame they have to wait for something like this to happen to try and prevent and keep us in close observation.:(


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## LauraLoo1612

I am soo soo sorry for your loss. Your story brought tears to my eyes. :cry:


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## daopdesign

Oh I am so sorry to read your story, how awful and I know what you went through as I too had a loss and delivered at 16 weeks. I would wait for the path results and see what they say but it does sound like an infection. Stay strong hun, we're all here to offer our support :hugs: xxx


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## Hellylou

Thank you so much. It is so hard at the moment. I keep bursting into tears in an instant when I am not even expecting to. I can't bear that I am not pregnant any more. One minute I was, and now I am not. All the plans we had and the excitement has gone. I just can't bear this. I keep reliving Saturday and the trauma that terrible terrible day, and still can't quite believe it. It's like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I just want her back...


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## daopdesign

I know there's not much anyone can say but I can tell you it does get easier with time. The memorial service and before event was obvously the worst for us as a family but it does get easier to deal with I promise x


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## MummyStobe

I'm so sorry to read about your loss sending big hugs to you :hugs:

Thank you for sharing your story so soon it must have been very hard for you. It took me a while to tell my story because I couldn't face coming on the site but I'm glad that I did because everyone on here has been brilliant, although my family and friends have all been very supportive I've found it very helpful to be able to share how I'm feeling with people who have been through the same thing. I'm sure everyone will agree with me when I say that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk.

I lost my little boy, Max, on 10th August at 19+5weeks. I was having bleeding from about 16 weeks and was always told that it was from my cervix and Max's heartbeat was always strong but I then lost my fluid immediately after my anomoly scan which started off my labour and I delivered Max less than 48 hours later. Part of me has always wondered if I lost my fluid because the sonographer was pressing so hard during my scan but my consultant has told me that bleeding can cause waters to break and it was most likely because of that.

Take care xx :hugs:


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## Hellylou

I have had another shock to add to things...it turns out it was not a girl, but a boy we lost. 

When the baby was born I was unable to look because I couldn't take any more horror than the event itself at that point. I didn't want to know the sex at that point either for the same reason. When we saw the baby on the Monday I could only bear to look at the face and upper body, I couldn't bear to see more. It may be hard to understand but it's like I could only take small bits of information and trauma at a time. Too much at once would have sent me over the edge.

When the nurse brought the baby to us, in a tiny crib, she let slip she would 'bring her in', but then said they couldn't confirm the sex. So we took from that it was a girl. There was always that small doubt, but she said 'her' more than once.

Today I spoke to my obstetrician saying I now needed to know for certain, and she confirmed it was a boy.

I'm not sure what I am feeling right now. Relief to know for sure but strange to have got it wrong these last few days.


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## mhazzab

oh my gosh I'm really sorry they got it wrong, or at least led you to believe your baby was a girl. That must be hard for you and probably very strange after thinking one thing to be told another. I'm glad you finally know for sure now. Have you decided whether to name him?

xx


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## jojo23

awe im so sorry hun what an awful thing to go through.

i lost my little girl at 22 weeks, they never found a reason although the doctor said it was most likely chromosomal! its been 7 months since i gave birth to her and i still think about her every day..not all day like i did at the start, but at least once everyday i pause and think of her!

i still find it hard to see women with new babies or hear of someone i know being pregnant! i dont think that will pass for a long time.

i named my little girl Lily, i wouldnt have called her that if she had survived but Lily just seemed perfect at the time, light and innocent and almost too beautiful for this world!! 

if you ever need anything we are all here for you and i know i wouldnt have gotten through alot of hard days without the ladies here! thinking of you and your little angel

and remember, every day may not be good but theres something good in every day!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx jo


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## emk10

Sorry you are going through this nightmare. I too, know only too well what you are going through. The week following the delivery of Emilia was one of the worst of my life, but it really does get easier, I promise you that. 

I was just like you, crying in an instant, on and off all week. All my body and mind were crying out to do was to care for my baby. My boobs were even producing an incredible amount of milk, which was quite distressing. However, you have to bear in mind that your body is raging with hormones at this point. Once the hormones subsided, so did my emotional state. 

Take in easy on yourself and take one day at a time.

RIP little angel x x x


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## mdjoy

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Vickieh1981

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to live with the feeling that this could have been preventable. 

These early days are awful, you need to just let yourself do and be whateever is best for you. I remember going outside and screaming really loud into the garden because I had such a knot of pain inside me that needed to come out.

xxx


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## Hellylou

emk10 said:


> Sorry you are going through this nightmare. I too, know only too well what you are going through. The week following the delivery of Emilia was one of the worst of my life, but it really does get easier, I promise you that.
> 
> I was just like you, crying in an instant, on and off all week. All my body and mind were crying out to do was to care for my baby. My boobs were even producing an incredible amount of milk, which was quite distressing. However, you have to bear in mind that your body is raging with hormones at this point. Once the hormones subsided, so did my emotional state.
> 
> Take in easy on yourself and take one day at a time.
> 
> RIP little angel x x x

It is so awful, isn't it? I am just getting the milk now, which hit me again like a sledgehammer because I knew there was a possibility of it (from websites, mind you - no medical professionals warned me!), but hoped I might have been too early for that. 

I had a midwife phone me today to ask why I hadn't made my appointment at the local surgery and asking if everything was ok. No one had passed on the information to her. I felt sorry for her having to break it to her like that over the phone and how she must have felt so unprofessional. I hope she's making some angry calls right now, because the breakdown in communication is amazing.

At least one positive thing came from that call - she told me I can take medication to stop the milk flow, which is great. I can't cope with that part of it. It's like a cruel reminder of everything I have lost and my body is just thinking 'ok, baby must be here now' and it's just not. So someone is calling today to fix that side of things at least.

It's amazing...one thing that kept coming to me throughout this whole ordeal is thinking of other people that have been through this and feeling such an empathy and connection. It's one of the reasons I had to come here so soon. I really feel for every single one of you here. It's just the worst thing to happen and no one else gets it. I never understood it before now, even having been pregnant before and having children, I never knew what this kind of event meant, and now I do. I hope I can help others as much as hearing all your kind words and stories has helped me.

x


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## kiki04

I lost my sweet angel Hadlee Raye at 16w6d. Her heart just stopped. No one ever told me otherwise and I have asked for the post mortem and cant seem to get one. I am so sorry you had to go through this hun :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry you are joining us, I am so sorry for your loss. 

I'm glad you are getting pills for the milk, I got it too and none of the doctors or hospital MW's warned me that it might happen either, I think they didn't want to tell me anyhting else in the state I was in. I was filled with greif that I had this precious resource with nobody to feed with it but in the end I was sad when it went away, it was one more reminder gone - that's a bit nuts I know but that's me. 

I hope you get the support you need here and elsewhere to enable you to cope and eventually accept and heal a bit. 
Rest easy, little man xxx


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## emk10

Hellylou said:


> emk10 said:
> 
> 
> Sorry you are going through this nightmare. I too, know only too well what you are going through. The week following the delivery of Emilia was one of the worst of my life, but it really does get easier, I promise you that.
> 
> I was just like you, crying in an instant, on and off all week. All my body and mind were crying out to do was to care for my baby. My boobs were even producing an incredible amount of milk, which was quite distressing. However, you have to bear in mind that your body is raging with hormones at this point. Once the hormones subsided, so did my emotional state.
> 
> Take in easy on yourself and take one day at a time.
> 
> RIP little angel x x x
> 
> It is so awful, isn't it? I am just getting the milk now, which hit me again like a sledgehammer because I knew there was a possibility of it (from websites, mind you - no medical professionals warned me!), but hoped I might have been too early for that.
> 
> I had a midwife phone me today to ask why I hadn't made my appointment at the local surgery and asking if everything was ok. No one had passed on the information to her. I felt sorry for her having to break it to her like that over the phone and how she must have felt so unprofessional. I hope she's making some angry calls right now, because the breakdown in communication is amazing.
> 
> At least one positive thing came from that call - she told me I can take medication to stop the milk flow, which is great. I can't cope with that part of it. It's like a cruel reminder of everything I have lost and my body is just thinking 'ok, baby must be here now' and it's just not. So someone is calling today to fix that side of things at least.
> 
> It's amazing...one thing that kept coming to me throughout this whole ordeal is thinking of other people that have been through this and feeling such an empathy and connection. It's one of the reasons I had to come here so soon. I really feel for every single one of you here. It's just the worst thing to happen and no one else gets it. I never understood it before now, even having been pregnant before and having children, I never knew what this kind of event meant, and now I do. I hope I can help others as much as hearing all your kind words and stories has helped me.
> 
> xClick to expand...

Thats terrible hun and not something you need at a time like this :hugs:. The care I received at Nottingham City Hospital was fantastic and I couldn't have faulted anything. They warned me about the milk so I was prepared, however I wasn't prepared for how distressing it would be!! I think the care I received made the whole nightmare that little easier to deal with. So sorry you didn't recieve that same level of care :hugs:!! x x x


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## Cassie10

I am so sorry for your loss hun. :hugs: Take it easy on yourself for a little while and come here anytime you need to talk.


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## Vickieh1981

I had the same thing with the milk but was fortunately still feeding my little boy. It must be hard to have the milk as a reminder :(


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## Mellybelle

:hugs: I am so, so sorry for your loss. :hugs:
It doesnt get easier, but you learn to cope with grief. I think the only way for it to get better is to suddenly develop amnesia and forget that our angels had ever existed and thats something I would never want. 
I found it very important to name my babies and to ensure they would never be forgotten. I made a little memorial garden in my yard for them. Little things like this make it easier. 
You will find that you have changed. Things that were once important will now seem so trivial. I can never go back to the person I was before my losses. I'm not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. But i cant change it.
BnB has been my saviour and I have made some amazing friends on here. The support from this site is amazing. 
:hugs:


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