# It wasn't easy...but she is worth it... *trigger warning*



## redlemonade

I wasn't going to write a birth story but actually I think it might help me to heal a little. Therefore, be warned that this story might be unpleasant reading for some...

I had a relatively easy pregnancy and was considered low risk so we aimed to have an all natural home birth. I went into early labour at 40 + 8 and we were so excited. Laboured well all that night at home using only the TENS but by the following morning, labour had stalled. Labour started and stopped like that until, 30 hours in, our midwife said I needed to go to hospital and be induced. After 30 hours I was still only 1cm dilated!

By the time I got to the hospital, I had reached 2cm and the doctor was happy to let me progress on my own which was great. BUT again, labour stopped and started constantly. I got to 48 hours in, or thereabouts, when I was admitted to the labour ward but labour stalled once there again! I couldn't believe it!! It was so incredibly frustrating. The hospital were SO accommodating to my birth plan (no drugs, no interventions unless necessary) but eventually they suggested ARM which I allowed.

Unfortunately there was grade 2 meconium present in the waters and a horrible doctor came in and told me my baby could be stillborn (!!!!!) if we didn't do something about it, and insisted on starting the syntocinon drip. I had wanted badly to avoid this and my wonderful midwife advised I didn't have to consent to it but I was scared - who wouldn't be?? 

I found the drip incredibly painful but managed with gas and air, and my affirmations and hypnobirthing cds. I was so in the zone and focused on meeting my baby. However, I was having 2 hourly VE's, on the instructions of the nasty doctor, and AGAIN I stalled at 7cm over the course of 4 hours. This was now about 70 hours in and I literally hit a wall. I knew that I was becoming too exhausted and because labour stalled again, that I was possibly going to end up with a c-section :cry: 

SO I opted for an epidural to get me through to the end. I'd so wanted to birth without an epidural but I knew I needed help at this stage. I got to 10cm very quickly after that but then my baby's heartbeat dropped and suddenly the room filled with people - OBs, paediatricians, midwives...

She was back to back and 'stargazing' which means her head wasn't tucked to her chest, which makes birth more difficult. They needed to get her out fast and we had 2 failed vacuums. Then they said they would have to use forceps and perform an episiotomy :cry: I was so upset at this but also absolutely terrified and overwhelmed and exhausted. It was everything I didn't want in a birth. 

She came out with about 4 pushes and the forceps. It was scary seeing the OB pulling with the forceps though!! I remember crying and telling her to be gentle. My baby came out covered in meconium and was placed on me for just a few seconds before being taken by the paeds team for assistance. They were worried about her inhaling and ingesting meconium, plus she had a high level of lactic acid in her blood, like we would if we'd run a marathon. It was clear she found the birth very difficult :cry:

They gave us about 15 minutes of skin to skin before taking her to the neonatal unit. My husband went with our baby and my lovely midwife went off duty after staying late to be there for the birth. Suddenly the room was empty except for me. I was covered in blood and meconium, and the room was a mess with birth crap. I was alone, unable to move, for about 30 minutes I think. I couldn't quite comprehend what had just happened. I think I was in shock. I couldn't believe that I'd just had a baby because I felt more sad and lonely than I'd ever felt before. Somebody brought me tea and toast and I thought 'wtf do I want tea and toast for, bring me to my baby!'

DH returned and I was brought to see my baby, though I wasn't allowed to hold her or breastfeed her :( It was so hard to see her in an incubator and not to be allowed feed her as I'd so wanted. I was then brought to my ward, despite my protestations that they shouldn't separate us. It was devastating. They said she should be out of neonatal after 1 or 2 nights though. 

The following morning, I was finally allowed to hold and feed her. Breastfeeding was a challenge but I was determined. I only had an uncomfy chair to sit on in the neonatal unit, which wasn't great for breastfeeding OR my recovery, but I was there as much as possible. 

Blood tests then revealed that she had 'markers' for infection and she would need to stay in neonatal, for 5 days total :( I, again, argued that they should try keep us together but they couldn't/wouldn't. I became really upset at one stage, with a whole team of doctors, and cried that everything had gone wrong since I arrived at the hospital. One of the doctors remarked that I should have spent less time reading those books that claim birth is natural because 'sometimes babies die' :nope: That was hugely upsetting for me to hear and I found it unnecessary for him to say. That comment, and the one about stillbirth being a potential, makes me wonder how close I came to losing her..? 

I was determined to breastfeed, so I stayed with her, on that uncomfy chair, most of the time and at night I relied on the nurses to call me when she looked like she needed feeding. So, several times a night, I would be called to go down 3 flights to her, feed her, then express for times when I couldn't be there for a feed. I'd barely get back to my bed before I'd have to head back to her. It was exhausting.

I was discharged 2 days before her and bawled my eyes out all the way home. That was the same day my body went into shock from everything that happened and the lack of sleep - almost 1 full week since first going in to labour. I was vomiting and shaking and my whole body hurt.

It was fantastic to finally get her home 2 days later but it took another week for me to feel better. I was throwing up over her head while breastfeeding, into a bucket held by my husband! On top of this, she had tongue tie which was killing my nipples. At one stage, she threw up blood and I panicked until I saw that it had obviously come from my bleeding nipples :/ The tongue tie has now been snipped so we now have to wean off those damn shields! I'm so proud that we've managed to breastfeed - in fact, I've mastered the art of one-handed typing as she's feeding as I type :D

I've loved her from the minute I saw her and would happily do time for anybody that dared to hurt her. So, yes, she's been worth it. But the phrase 'all that matters is a healthy baby' is upsetting for me to hear, and I hear it a lot. I found the birth and especially the aftermath so hard - and it definitely wasn't easy on my baby either. She's a VERY attached baby; I'm sure she's making up for the time we were apart. 

Honestly...it breaks my heart every time I think of her being in distress during birth and being taken from me immediately once she was born. It must have been so scary for her :cry:

She's thriving now and putting on heaps of weight. I love her more every day! She loves feeds and cuddles and hates this current heatwave. She's already got her own little personality at 3 weeks of age :haha:

If you've made it to the end, thanks for reading and I hope it hasn't triggered/scared anyone!


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## pinkstarbinks

Congratulations & well done on your new arrival, that sounds a horrible experience! Glad baby is happy & thriving close to you :flower:


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## Chickensoup85

Congratulations! I'm glad you're both back home and recovering. 

I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you both and that you had such an awful, insensitive doctor!! x


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## redlemonade

Thank you both :flower:


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## Bevziibubble

Congratulations and well done! Sorry you had a difficult time :hugs:


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## tristansmum

Congratulations! I'm sorry you had a hard time. My first labour didn't go to plan and it took me a long time to come to terms with it and the failure I felt. However for me the memories lessened over the months and I hope this happens for you too. X


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## Clever.Name

Congrats Redlemonade!! Sorry to hear about your traumatic birth experience, but glad baby and momma are now healthy....all the best!


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## redlemonade

Thanks everyone! :)


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## Mrs HM

I'm so sorry you didn't get the experience you wanted. But congrats on the arrival of your DD! You will heal mentally and physically in time.


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## 2Pups4Kids

Wow redlemonade I can't believe how you were treated in hospital like that. What a traumatic experience. :( I wouldn't wish that upon anyone, but you were strong and here you are! 

Glad to hear things have gotten better since and that you can now fully enjoy your LO without all the worry. xx Thanks so much for sharing.


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## redlemonade

Thanks guys :thumbup:

I do hope time is a healer! It was quite a traumatic experience but I'm here looking at my gorgeous baby girl breastfeeding and I couldn't be more in love! :D


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## cncem

Thank you for sharing your birthstory, I know it must have been hard having to relive that. I'm sorry things didn't go to plan, but congrats on your beautiful healthy little girl!!


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## Linny

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl. I'm so sorry you didn't get the birth experience you wanted. In time when things have settled it might be an idea to perhaps contact the hospital and ask to see someone there to talk through the whys and what happened. Just a thought. 

It must have been awful to be separated from your baby, I'm so sorry. It looks like you are trying to focus on the good despite all this. 

I too didn't get the birth I wanted - restricted growth meant she came out early and breech which meant section. She was very small which meant a 6 day hospital stay after but it was a special care ward so I was allowed to stay with her. We have had all manner of health problems with her ever since but we are home and I am enjoying being a bigger family. 

Anyway just wanted to say congrats x x


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## redlemonade

Thanks cncem and Linny :)

Linny, I'm sorry that you didn't get the birth you wanted either :hugs: I'm also sorry to hear your baby had health problems; I hope she is doing better now. It's hard when they're so small and sick :( Thanks for the idea to contact the hospital - I might do that in time..


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## Coco Tutu

Oh my God Red! I just read your birth story and even though I knew most parts from our PMs, I just now realized how hard it has been and how horrible that doctor was. You are truly my hero and I am never going to whine about my birth ever-ever again. I am so happy that I know that both you and Indi are thriving now *HUGS*


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## redlemonade

Coco Tutu said:


> Oh my God Red! I just read your birth story and even though I knew most parts from our PMs, I just now realized how hard it has been and how horrible that doctor was. You are truly my hero and I am never going to whine about my birth ever-ever again. I am so happy that I know that both you and Indi are thriving now *HUGS*

Thanks Coco. But it's all relative really, and you're perfectly entitled to 'whine' (though you've never whined!) about your birth :D


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## mommyharris

Congratulations! Indeed, it was worth it.


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## bubblebelly

wow I am so late!!!
first and foremost congratulations !!
you did so well mama Red... im so sorry that you had such a hard time before during and after... 
woooow.. and I thought my labour to some degree felt traumatic...

im so glad you are doing better with your little girl.. you are so strong!
you will look back and be proud of yourself and your beautiful daughter...

labour and birth nearly never goes to plan.. and never usually is what we imagine its going to be like!.. but try and focus your happy memories on the end product..and that is little Indi 
=)

wish we all lived in the same area so we could do our own little mothers group and coo over our babies!!

hope to keep seeing you around on the boards hun!!
take care 
xx


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## sbl

Congrats!
Sorry you hard such a difficult birth. 
My lo was taken to special care after birth too. I got no skin to skin at all and she stayed in for a week after me. So I understand how you feel completely. 
Its not something you can truly empathize with unless you've been through it yourself I think. 
I'm glad your lo is doing good. 
Take care x


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## redlemonade

bubblebelly said:


> wow I am so late!!!
> first and foremost congratulations !!
> you did so well mama Red... im so sorry that you had such a hard time before during and after...
> woooow.. and I thought my labour to some degree felt traumatic...
> 
> im so glad you are doing better with your little girl.. you are so strong!
> you will look back and be proud of yourself and your beautiful daughter...
> 
> labour and birth nearly never goes to plan.. and never usually is what we imagine its going to be like!.. but try and focus your happy memories on the end product..and that is little Indi
> =)
> 
> wish we all lived in the same area so we could do our own little mothers group and coo over our babies!!
> 
> hope to keep seeing you around on the boards hun!!
> take care
> xx

Thanks Bubble :) I wish we lived in the same area too, it would be so cool to have our own mummy/baby group lol! 

Hope you're doing well hun!


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## redlemonade

sbl said:


> Congrats!
> Sorry you hard such a difficult birth.
> My lo was taken to special care after birth too. I got no skin to skin at all and she stayed in for a week after me. So I understand how you feel completely.
> Its not something you can truly empathize with unless you've been through it yourself I think.
> I'm glad your lo is doing good.
> Take care x

Thanks sbl :)

I'm sorry to hear you had a similar experience, it really is an awful thing to go through, especially being separated. :hugs:


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## eris

Congratulations on your baby! I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm even more sorry you had such jerk doctors at times. Some of them really dislike the natural birth movement because it takes away from them and the hospitals. But the good news is that it's all over now and its time for you to heal and be with your healthy LO.


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## redlemonade

eris said:


> Congratulations on your baby! I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I'm even more sorry you had such jerk doctors at times. Some of them really dislike the natural birth movement because it takes away from them and the hospitals. But the good news is that it's all over now and its time for you to heal and be with your healthy LO.

Thanks eris! I agree, I think doctors sometimes feel threatened by the natural birth movement. That was why I wanted to avoid hospital altogether! Oh well, next time :)


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## xxyjadexx

Congratulations. It's the most awful feeling leaving your newborn in the nicu :-( I still, a year later, can't think about my little girls delivery and subsequent stay in nicu without welling up!!


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## redlemonade

xxyjadexx said:


> Congratulations. It's the most awful feeling leaving your newborn in the nicu :-( I still, a year later, can't think about my little girls delivery and subsequent stay in nicu without welling up!!

I'm really sorry you went through a similar experience. I wouldn't wish that on anyone :hugs:


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## MintChocChip

Sorry to hear your story was so traumatic. I too had a difficult experience and only now 2 years on am I really coming to terms with it. Hugs -you did amazing and congratulations on your happy and healthy girl!


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## redlemonade

MintChocChip said:


> Sorry to hear your story was so traumatic. I too had a difficult experience and only now 2 years on am I really coming to terms with it. Hugs -you did amazing and congratulations on your happy and healthy girl!

Thanks :flower: I'm really sorry that you also had a difficult experience. Every time I think I'm coming to terms with it, I cry again. It's devastating really and so few people understand; they think I should just 'move on'. Hopefully I will some day!


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## Ashla

You did good mama. You were brave and strong. Hold on to that.


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## Rcx

Congrats on your baby girl. I am so sorry your birth experience was so stressful. I'm glad that you're both ok now xx


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## RcdM

Congrats and so sorry things went pretty much the complete opposite of how you wanted! 

I know what you mean about feeling awful about how traumatized she must be after going through all of that! But I assure you she won't remember, she probably doesn't even remember now. So try not to let that bother you! :)

The birth of my dd was crazy but at the same time everything happened so extremely fast that I barely had time to process it, definitely much different than your story. I had an EMCS at 30 weeks and my dd was in the NICU for 5 weeks. I know it's not easy being separated. I honestly didn't feel like I bonded with her until a few months after she was home. It was so hard to be in the maternity floor and walk by all the rooms and hear moms with their new babies in there with them, only to retreat to my empty room every time. I pumped every 2 hours night and day and made the journey up to the NICU floor several times a day, while recovering from the c-section... so it took me like 15 minutes just to get there, so I know exactly what you mean - by the time I got back to my room it was about time to pump again. And going home without her was so sad. But two years later all of that is just a memory, part of our story, and I rarely even think about it because time flies so quickly and she's here and healthy and all of that is in the past.

Best of luck to you and your new baby girl! :)


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## redlemonade

Thanks everyone :thumbup:

RcdM - thank you; I don't think she remembers anything at all from being separated from me, thankfully. And we do have a fantastic bond. I can totally thank breastfeeding for that :D

I'm sorry that you had a similar experience :hugs: I'm so relieved to hear that you don't think about it so much anymore, and I can't wait to get to that stage! Having said that, I am doing ok. I am, however, making a complaint about some of the doctors I met as they were pretty nasty. I kind of feel I *have* to. 

I see from your signature that you're due very soon RcdM - best of luck with everything!


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