# Help!!! PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME!



## Second Chance

22 single, mother of a wonderful baby boy, and in need of serious advice! My BD wants nothing to do with my son as he is married and doesnt want his wife to find out, however we have since than meet up at least 3 times a month and I think I may be pregnant again and odds are that its his, I havent filed child support as he pays me monthly But I dont know what to! I have no job, no car, no money and I can barely support my son... Any advice?:shrug:


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## Weeplin

I have no particular advice..but perhaps stop sleeping with a married man? I feel really really sorry for his wife, she should really know and now another baby is being brought into it. Sorry, I don't mean that as judgemental at all, I know you must have strong feelings for him but you and your lo and now your bump are going to get hurt in this too especially if he is not intending on telling or leaving his wife. :hugs:

I can't really help, I'm in the UK and have no idea about what you can get etc in the US but make sure he gives you what you are entitled to.

I hope you get it sorted hon x


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## lou_w34

Agree with above really...
Stop sleeping with him immediatley. This is where i am going to sound really harsh, but, if he hasnt left his wife for you even though you have had his child, he is never going to, so there is no need to sleep with him. Is it just a bit of fun for you? Or is it because you have genuine feelings for him?

I feel sorry for his wife, and to be honest i think she should no...

I would also make sure you are getting what you are entitled too from him, maybe contacting your version of the CSA may help, you can ask them what you are entitled too and they can help.

Hope i didnt come across as judgemental, but having been cheated on myself, i can only see how this is very unfair for his wife. I can see how this is a upsetting situation for you and your LO aswell, does he see LO? I would distance myself from him as much as possible, obviously let him see LO if he wants, but try to keep your relationship as distant as possible, in the end the only people who will get hurt are you, your LO's and his wife.

Good luck :hugs:

xx


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## billy2mm

get to the courts and get regular maintenence sorted out. dont let him hide his son away. you did wrong by sleeping with him. stop it now. he has cheated on her he WILL cheat on you too. he WILL NOT leave her. he wants his cake and to eat it too. dont let him use you and laugh at you coz you keep letting him back in. you are worth more and so is your son.


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## moomin_troll

I wouldn't give a crap what he wants or thinks, because if he didn't want his wife to no he shouldn't be cheating on her the scumbag! 
I don't understand how u feel as ive never been the other woman but u need to decide whether u want/can handle another baby and u need to go thru the courts and get a set amount of money as he could stop paying you whenever he wants.

Be prepare he will ask u for a DNA test


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## carolyn_s

moomin_troll said:


> I wouldn't give a crap what he wants or thinks, because if he didn't want his wife to no he shouldn't be cheating on her the scumbag!
> I don't understand how u feel as ive never been the other woman but u need to decide whether u want/can handle another baby and u need to go thru the courts and get a set amount of money as he could stop paying you whenever he wants.
> 
> Be prepare he will ask u for a DNA test

^^ WSS :hugs: xx


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## littlekitten8

I agree with the others I'm afraid hun. I feel sorry for this guys poor wife. She deserves to know what her scummy husband is doing. You need to stop sleeping with him, do a pregnancy test to confirm whether you are or not. And sort out some sort of proper maintenance. I'm sorry if that seems harsh but your priority should be your son.


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## Second Chance

My priority is my son! Always has been but yes I have genuine feelings for him I have for almost 4 years now... and his wife was informed about him abd what he was doing and she left for two months and came back! He doesn't see his son he doesn't care... which is why I take care of him myself, I have tried to stop seeing him but I can't stay away because I love him! We had an amazing relationship we have so much in common and we get along so well, and I keep hoping if I can keep him around eventually he'll see how much how I love him and come back to us... I hate to say it but if I am pregnantit may be another guys too and sadly I know this other guy would be there for our LO but I can't see myself telling either of them because I don't know which one will freak out more... I'm not a whore I was seeing this guy for a few weeks and we slept together once, he ended it with me and two days after sleeping with him I slept with babys dad.... don't think badly of me I am not a bad person, I don't intentionally wan5t to hurt people I just can't help my feelings! My son is my life and I make sure he is well take care of being I even think of myself, I don't know sorry u all think I'm a bad person, guess u can't really understand until you've been there thanks for reading and please don't judge me


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## lou_w34

Firstly none thinks you are bad person! And no one is judging you :hugs:

But unfortunatley hun, i dont think he is ever going to be with you :( Like i said before, you have his son, and he still is with his wife. He treats his son like a dirty little secret, and i cant see how you would want to be with him if he does not care about your son.

I guess it is hard for the rest of us, as none of us have been in your situation, but please dont think we think badly of you, as we do not. But id rather people told you the truth, then sugar coat things for you and you end up hurt in the long run.

He wants his cake, so dont let him have it, be strong, and see if he is willing to fight for you first. You and your son deserve more.

:hugs: xx


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## Second Chance

Thanks and I know that, I try to walk away I know he'll never be with me and I know if he was with me it would never work, because he can't stay satisfied but I. Don't like to face the truth....


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## lou_w34

You have to face up to it sometime, and now is a good as time as any...

He is taking the piss, dont let him. Walk away with your head held high and concentrate on you and your son, you dont need him. :hugs:


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## Second Chance

I know I am not being harshly judged but maybe its my personally guilty conscience, I just don't knw what to do otherwise I love my son and I want him to have a father and a family and a good life! And I am scared that unless his fathers in his life he won't be happy!


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## lou_w34

I think it is your own conscience, you know deep down that it is wrong, but try not too think about it, so its hard for you when others point it out.

And having a good life doesnt mean having both parents! You son will be perfectly fine with just you, as long as he is safe and loved he will be great, and most definatley happy.

There are so many people out there who have been raised in one parent families and they have turned out wonderfully :)

xx


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## Second Chance

I know but I am afraid of the questions I know will arise as he grows older, How do you tell your son that daddy can be there he just refuses to... How do you tell him that he has 2 sisters and brother than he isnt allowed to meet cuz daddy doesnt want him to. How do you tell him that daddy had a family and we were just his back up plan? I dont want to face it all!


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## Second Chance

I know I am going to have to but maybe I am just naiive enough to belive that he will come around before boog is old enough to ask!


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## lou_w34

Unfortunatley i dont think he will. 

All you need to be is honest with your son, obviously dont slag his dad off, but tell him the truth in the kindest way you can. I have a friend whos biological dad was... a twat basically. And she knows everything about him, her mum never hid anything from her, and she is just fine, she doesnt blame her mum, and she doesnt even hate her dad, she doesnt even think about him.

I think its better to have no father at all, then to sit and wait hoping one day he will turn up, you need to move on for your sons sake as much as your own :hugs:

xx


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## Second Chance

I really have been working on it, I am not trying to hold on to him but it is just as hard for him to let me go and it is for me and when I tell him I am done he gets all bummed out and pretty much begs me for a second chance!


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## daisygirl

just say no!

i mean, u and your son deserve so much better! he obviously thinks hes God's gift to women and can treat them how they like!

going behind his wifes back and getting away with it and stringing you along!

find someone who will be there for you and your children, always :hugs:


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## Second Chance

I really am trying its just so hard sometimes


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## lou_w34

Then you need to be the strong one. Say no, and mean it! And dont give in. Just remember if he really wanted to be with you, he would have left his wife by now, and be begging you for a chance, instead he just wants you for second best.

You shouldnt be anyones second best. Find someone who will put you first for once :)

xx


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## Second Chance

i know thanks guys, I am working on it... I get stronger everyday, i just wish it could be different as i truly do love him!! however he knows i think hes i piece of shit for doing this to my son and i remind him daily


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## Second Chance

This post is in my journal as well but I dont have any followers so I thought I might get more advice here since you all seem so genuine... 

Well I did alot of time matching and realized if I was pregnant it would be my baby daddys, and honestly, like what a stupid move on my part. So i called him up, I am already four days late I didnt know what to do so I text him and tell him he needs to get up (even though hes sick) go buy me a pregnancy test and bring it here, well on his to get the test he is texting me talking about how stupid he is and how much he hates himself for letting this happen and how if i am he is going to shoot himself (pity party central) so blah blah blah, he come over with an equate brand single test and i pee on it and wait, and during the wait I am picking it up and looking at it wondering if its gonna be positive, well five minutes elapsed and its still negative so I hand it to him and tell him to calm down were ok! Well i laid down on my bed while he was looking at the test and he has the gall to tell me " If it happens that the test is wrong and you ARE pregnant again we need to discuss something" so i asked him what the hell he meant (knowing in my heart what he was referring to) and he tells me "something neither of us want to talk about but we do" i FLIPPED out, I told him if he even mentioned the word abortion I would throw him out of my house, and he immediately took it back and started apologizing. I was ok for the remaining 20 minutes he was there trying to pretend I really didnt just hear him say that to me. I sat and talked to my roommate about the whole conversation and the more i talked the more disgusted I got... I mean seriously it was our irresponsibility that conceived this child and he wants to just throw it away with the garbage! Bullshit I finally texted him and told him that I was sick at the thought of him thinking that is ok, and that I dont think I can continue to see him! He was understanding and extremely apologetic but told me to take my time and he's be waiting when I made my decision. I love him with all my heart, but it seems the more i talk to him the less i respect him. He just doesnt get it, so i am now faced with the hardest choice I have yet had to make... Drop what we had and pretend it was nothing, take his money for our son and never see him again or stay with him and allow him to break my heart (now mind you we are NOT together, he has been married our ENTIRE relationship and i was his "mistress" god i hate that word, but decided not to leave his wife for me after all) and ignore our son? I know what I have to do, I just dont know HOW to do it!! Will no one help me? Please tell me how to do this?


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## bobblebot

Im sorry but as a wife whose husband slept with another woman and had a baby with her I know the pain and misery this will cost all involved!
He will not leave his wife if he hasnt already, some men are cheats and will always do it if its offered on a plate. You should have more respece for yourself and should have acepted your firt mistake and moved on to find a man of your own who an be an active dad for your child without bringing another child to get confused by the situation.
My ex was a little better than the man you are seeing as he did see the child and did tell me but it cost him his marriage and he is nowon his own, with his familytelling him how stupid he is and regretting it. He doesnt see his kid with her now as she moved on and married anotyer man and they agreed to let the new man be dad to his daughter so she could have a proper family. There was some decency in my ex but he is a cheat and i could not liuvethat life.

What I am saying is....leave this man alone to his family beause as it stands there will be no happy ending for you or your children with the current arrangenents. Just get in your lifeand make the best of what you have but pleaseno mire married men.

i have to be quite honest i justread what you wrote above and you sound very 'dependant' on this man that is using you....my biggest piece of advice is simple get some blinkin self respect hun....you were quite capable of getting your own regnancy test so why harrass himwhen he is ill? Even in my mariage I got my own tests and didnt depend like that or expect himrun around. You ranting at himabout mentioning abortion!!! Wellto be honest I think he has a fair point for discussion, he doesn't wantthis child,you do! that should tell you something! That if you are not prepared fully to raise this child alone then doi something. NowI am not for abortion but I think sometimes it is kinder to the unbon child than a lifeofpain and feeling blkamed or unwanted.

I don'tmean to sound harsh but you are a mother and need to set an examplefor your kids....if you have a daughter would you sit back quietly and watch as a married man uses her for sex,impregnates her but won't tell people about the child and watch as she lets himdo it not once but twice! Watch as she tells you she loves a man who lives with another woman, his wife, will you nottell herthat is not love but her probably thinking she can't do any better!

For the sake of your children if not yourself, arrange maintenane payments for the kids and then leave this man so you can be a decent parent....and for gods sake please use contraception in future then you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.I'msingle but I would never allow myself to sleep or see a married man because I know nothing good an comefrom it.

Grab yourselfsome self respect and leave, no one can tell you really what to do as yu'll do what you want, which id y u r in this positionin first place. At just 22 you have a lot of years ahead, do you want to be happy with a man who loves you or unhappy with a man who just uses you?


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## Second Chance

I couldn't get my own test as I am broke live in the middle of nowhere and have no car, I had to tell him! I am not pregnant this time thank god but if I were irregardless of whther or not he wanted another child I would not tear my child limb from limb while its still thriving inside of me THAT is something that I will never even concider. I appreciate your opinion but there are many points with which I don't agree as for him I have made my decision and he can either be in my sons life or I will have absolutely nothing to do with him! I am very emotionally dependant upon him because he is the only love I have known that I have felt this strong for, if you feel the need to judge I am sorry but no matter how I you may percieve me I am a good, dedicated mother to my son. And no amount of harsh words can change that! I hear all the advice people offer but no one seems to realize that I want my sons father to be in his liife and it kills me that he refuses. = am sorry that I look so bad to all of you who are married but you have to remember while I agreed to it, he came to me in the first place... many people speak on what they do not know, I myself am guilty of this but get know someone beofre u place judgment... they may just be doing the best they can...


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## whoops

bobblebot raises a really good point - that this man is setting a terrible example for your son. Your little boy is too young to take notice at the moment, but as he grows up, do you really want him learning that this is the appropriate way to treat women? By all means, let your son see his father but don't let his father treat you badly while doing so. You and him don't need to be in a relationship before he can spend time with his son.

I'm starting to cut people out of my life that don't treat me with respect, because I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that's ok. 

I'm not judging you - everyone makes mistakes at the end of the day, and my own track record isn't exactly blameless. But you do need to think about what kind of example you're setting. Children are like sponges - they absorb everything that goes on around them.


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## littlekitten8

I know its really hard, and its easy to think that your son will be the worse for growing up without his father, but sometimes kids are better off without their biological dads. My FOB is an abusive, selfish ******* and has had no contact with LO for nearly a year. James is certainly no worse for it! He is so much more chilled now his 'father' is off the scene. Please don't think LO will blame you for it. If you are honest with him he will do just fine. Good luck.


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## moomin_troll

If he had any feelings for you he'd leave his wife and see his son, but he doesn't and you sleep with him. That just makes u look like a idiot!
Ive been cheated on by an ex and it's heart breaking.

Yes his wife left but went back because that's her husband. He doesn't care for u and never will, all ur doing is hurting another family that he will never leave.

Ofcourse if it's nit with u he'd use another woman and that's his wifes problem but getting involved in is is stupid and ur not doing ur son any favours....this will hurt him in the long run


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## TattiesMum

Look Hon - I get that you are desperate for your LO's father to be in his life .... but you cannot MAKE that happen :dohh:

This man quite obviously just sees you as a sexual plaything and isn't the slightest bit interested in getting involved in an emotional relationship with you - if he *was* then he has had ample opportunity to do so :shrug:

It's one thing for a child to be told that his Daddy (who he has never met) had another family who he had to be with (or whatever you choose to tell him) and quite another for him to be exposed to a "Daddy" who comes to the house, ignores him completely, has sex with Mummy and then fucks off again :wacko: That's REALLY going to kill his self esteem :cry:

It doesn't matter how much we WANT someone to do something or for things to change - we quite simply do not have the power to change how other people behave ... all we can control is our own behaviour :flower: and right now you are heading down the path of seriously hurting your son :nope:

We can't tell you how to do this, or give you the strength to finish this toxic relationship - that's down to you .... but think on - in a few short months your son will be starting to become aware of what goes on around him and he really doesn't deserve to feel like a piece of unwanted trash just because you're prepared to accept the way that his sperm donor treats you :hugs::hugs:


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## aliss

Nobody can help you until you decide to help yourself hun :) You'll have to hit rock bottom (and it sounds like you aren't there yet). Until then, you should be filing for child support with your state because your son deserves to at least be financially supported by his father.


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## gemabee

hey hun... u really need to work on urself bein a stronger person... nd along the way - please stop sleepin with a married man, nd please stop havin unprotected sex!
walk away nd concentrate on ur son - he doesn't need this idiot in his life nd neither do u.
its the poor wife i feel sorry for.


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## scottishgal89

TattiesMum said:


> Look Hon - I get that you are desperate for your LO's father to be in his life .... but you cannot MAKE that happen :dohh:
> 
> This man quite obviously just sees you as a sexual plaything and isn't the slightest bit interested in getting involved in an emotional relationship with you - if he *was* then he has had ample opportunity to do so :shrug:
> 
> It's one thing for a child to be told that his Daddy (who he has never met) had another family who he had to be with (or whatever you choose to tell him) and quite another for him to be exposed to a "Daddy" who comes to the house, ignores him completely, has sex with Mummy and then fucks off again :wacko: That's REALLY going to kill his self esteem :cry:
> 
> It doesn't matter how much we WANT someone to do something or for things to change - we quite simply do not have the power to change how other people behave ... all we can control is our own behaviour :flower: and right now you are heading down the path of seriously hurting your son :nope:
> 
> We can't tell you how to do this, or give you the strength to finish this toxic relationship - that's down to you .... but think on - in a few short months your son will be starting to become aware of what goes on around him and he really doesn't deserve to feel like a piece of unwanted trash just because you're prepared to accept the way that his sperm donor treats you :hugs::hugs:

Totally agree with this!


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## Second Chance

thanks guys I am Doing my best to stay strong. And I know from the outside our situation looks so bad and it is really, but while I am doing my best, its so hard to walk away... I really do love him and he does give me money for our son, but I thought long and hard about it last night and your all right he doesn't need that example in his life! I want him growing up to respect women and this is not the correc5t way to go about that! Truth is I am terrified of him forgetting about us, about boog... yea I am stupid whatever but it doesn't change the fact that I can't turn my feelings on and off like a light believe me I wish I could but unfortunately that's not how it goes! My son is not an unwanted piece of trash, he wasn't intentional but I have loved him since the day I realized he was there! (Bout 3 weeks ges.) As for having unprotected sex, I have been on birth control for 3.5 months now its just painful for me to use condoms but I am not being completely unprotected... I have decided to stop seeing everyone and focus on my baby and wait to sleep with ANYONE until I know they will be there for their child should I happen to get pregnant! Its not much but its a sttart for me, I am terrified of letting him go because I don't want to be alone and while I know I am physically, he was always supportive emotionally (in his own way) and now I am afraid of losing it, but I am doing my best I have let him go and now I am waiting to heal...


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## AP

Set your son an example, stop sleeping with a married man. Karma will bite, I'm sorry - I did the same at 17 and the shoe was on the other foot a few years later - the hurt and devestation is awful and i would never ever play a part in wrecking a relationship again.


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## moomin_troll

He only told u what u wanted to hear tho, ur relationship with him was all fake just to gt what he wanted. I no how it feels to be in love with someone and for them to say whatever to get what they want....most men do it.

If anything u felt for him was real, he'd see ur son and leave his wife.
Ino u can't turn off ur feelings but to put it bluntly u can close ur legs and tell him to go else where and stand up to him and stop letting him use u


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## Second Chance

I am trying my damndest!


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## moomin_troll

I'm sure u are but like ive said I've never been the other woman but I have been in love with someone who just used me and said anything I wanted to hear. It's really not worth it.
U have to remember nothing he says to u is real, and then after he's been with he goes home and holds his wife! If anything that would put me off going with a married man.

U should go to court and get regular child support so he can't just stop paying u and f*ck him if he doesn't want his wife to no, she deserves to no exactly what he's up to after she gave him a second third whatever chance


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## Second Chance

She does know what he did, but he knows that if he doesn't pay me ill take it to the CSA in a second, I'm trying to move on from here...


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## scottishgal89

I thought she didn't know you had a child?


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## Trying4ababy

Truth is hun I have never heard of a married man who has left his wife for the other woman. You are just his fun on the side and you need to get away from him.
You said yourself he doesn't want anything to do with his son yet you go and possibly get pregnant again by him?

This next part may be a bit harsh...

You say that you don't have a job, car, and can barely support the son that you have now. Why in the world would you go an possibly get yourself pregnant again? I know BC can fail so that is why if I was you I wouldn't be having sex with anyone.


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## RiverSong

You're not a bad person you just made some bad choices, i dare anyone to say they have never made a bad choice :)

So what you need to do... Well firstly surround yourself with friends and people you can lean on. Sort out maintenance and make sure he sticks to it. You really should look at jobs etc now so you have a little extra money. Also check out the freebie section theres a charity who might be able to help with baby stuff (i'd link you but im on my mobile sorry :( )

I hope you're alright. Don't let this man take advantage of you or your sons... By the way if the baby turns out to be the other guys the same applies,

Good luck hun and do whats best for you and your babies.xxx


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## Second Chance

RiverSong, thank you for not judging, I appreciate your kind words more than you know :hugs:! I know I have made a terrible mistake by continueing our relations and I am now trying to remedy that mistake. I have been looking into jobs but it is hard for me to find work because I am a felon, no I am not using it as an excuse and I am not just sitting here hoping people will throw money at me, I am in school online full time and I am trying to make a better life for me and my son so I dont need FOB's help anymore and I can shake him for good! Im just having a hard time is all. I have ended communication with him except for on the days he pays me or to ask about his son, and I am no longer seeing him at all. This is a decision I JUST made last night, but I am determined to stick to it! 

Trying4ababy, It would have been a failed BC issue, I took it daily and that is why I couldnt believe it could be happening again! And i have cut my losses and dropped the other guy as well... I am terrified to be alone but at the same time i am scared of what could happen so I am just going to take care of myself and my son and maybe someday the RIGHT guy will come along and he love us both... I am sorry so many of you seem so digusted with my mistakes, but I cant take them back, and I got an amazing, loving, smart, and beautiful little boy out of it... So i cant say i regret anything that has happened between us! I just wish the situation itself could be a little bit different!

Daisy, she was told by my old roommate which is why she left him in the first place he denied it and she is in complete denial about it she moved back to be closer to her sister (according to him) and they arent really trying to work it out, but yet they are... I dont know but she has been told she is just denying that it is true!


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## aliss

Good for you hun :) Just keep at it with your school and hopefully you'll be able to pick up some work soon.


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## scottishgal89

I don't think anyone would judge you in here :shrug:
Just giving advice on what you have said.
I hope things look up for you soon and you manage to move on for the sake of your son


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## Second Chance

Thanks to both of you, I have been happy with my decision thus far, and I just really hope I can stick to it!! I do appreciate the advice, I just feel some wish the worst for me because they have been in the wifes shoes, and I am on this side...


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## sweetlullaby

Second Chance said:


> Thanks to both of you, I have been happy with my decision thus far, and I just really hope I can stick to it!! I do appreciate the advice, *I just feel some wish the worst for me because they have been in the wifes shoes, and I am on this side.*..

Im sure no one wishes the worst for you hun they just know from personal experience that it will eventually end really badly with so many people hurt :hugs: 

I agree with a lot of what the other girls have said so no point in repeating myself lol but good luck hun and I hope you make the right decisions and the best decisions for you and your gorgeous little boy :flower:


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## Second Chance

I know that I made the right choice FOB decided to text me last night and randomly ask if i tried to text him, I said nope and have a goodnight and didnt text him again! Oh well its hard and I miss him but life goes on... I know why i do it, i am doing it for days like today when I can celebrate my baby turning 6 months old!! Just some pics so you can all see the beautiful baby created by such a messed up man...
 



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## coccyx

contraception???? think how you would feel if you were his wife... I know he is the married one but you know he is married and still carry on. Surely you deserve better.


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## firstprincess

Oh sweetie what a bad situation. I understand some of what your saying and that you have feelings for him... have you told him that. He clearly doesnt care much for his wife, or you or his son if this is how he continues. Please file for some proper maintenance and support and ask him where things are likely to go. His wife should know. Hugs xxxxxxxx


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## firstprincess

Just wanted to say your little one is sooooooooo cute! lovely pics xxxxx


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## bobblebot

I do hope you are ok and are strong enough now to focus on building a life for you and your child/dren. I am still in love with my husband who had a baby with another woman, but I will not go bak to him because I have too much self resepct and know he willcheat again. It still hurts and I miss him and yes I cry but I have to face the fact that I do deserve better. 

It does hurt to detach yourself fromthose you love but it does get better and it is howing your kids how to be strong, have self respect and not to take crap.

Sort out maintenance, if he wants to see the kids let himbut if he doesnt, move on honey, make sure he pays but move on and focus on building a fantastic life for you and kids and one day someone you truly deserve will come along.


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## BeautifulD

I do kinda understand what you are going through..... Although I don't have a child with this shmuck.... here is my story... 

Before meeting L I was happily single going about my life, I had a failed marriage under my belt and dispised women that slept/ had affairs with married men after all that is what caused the breakdown of my marriage.... 

So this one night I was out with friends watching the football, they went home and I decided to stay... L approached me in his very charming manner, I was aware that he was one of the northern lads but somehow he seemed different (The Northern lads work down south seasonally and all the women know to stear clear as pretty much 100% of them have wives or girlfriends BUT generally they are open about this) so anyways we spent the entire evening chatting about our lives I told him about mine and he told me about his. He has two children, split from their mum four years previously and see's them every other weekend when he goes home, struggles with the fact that their mum is in another relationship and that person tries to play dad with his kids..... EVERYTHING was going great. we swapped numbers and he called me the next day and we arranged a date.... from there on we spent every evening together, I really fell for him. I even considered moving up to Doncaster after HE suggested it anyways a few months later and I was still completely oblivious as happy as happy gets... until the day I decided to look him up on facebook! That very day he was on his way home, we had a conversation and I had said that it was a shame that his kids didn't know about me as I didn't have my kids that weekend and I could have gone up with him and spent the weekend... his reply was that he was going to sit them down and tell them that he has a girlfriend. Horray I thought! Then for some reason I decided to look him up on facebook.... I have no idea why I did but I did.... And what I found broke my heart in two there and then - He was Engaged - to the mother of his children - who he had been with for 9 yrs! 

So I sat, shaking, crying, angry trying to decided what to do I decided to wait it out and wait for him to call.... He called about 10 mins later, was chatting away like usual and sensing that I was utterly peeved he asked me what was wrong... " Oh nothing honey I'm just on facebook,,,,,, and im looking at your page!!! CARE TO BLEEP BLEEP EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP IS GOING ON!?!?"
The phone went silent and he simply said oh..... and then followed up with the usual I was going to tell you, I just couldn't find the right time ect ect.... we are only together for the kids sake ect ect how he wishes that things were different.... anyways after lots of discussions with him I went against EVERYTHING I believed in and saw him again and again and again..... Until I found out that he had failed to mention that he was getting married in the september, we were on the back end of august!!! I was FURIOUS and told him that if he didn't tell her what has been going on I will.... but I didn't he managed to talk me round as usual BUT the difference was I had told him to get lost and that I NEVER EVER wanted to see him again.... And I didn't see him again until last season, we bumped into eachother as he was working down one of the roads by me UGH and after him begging me to give him a chance to explain I did foolishly.... we saw eachother through the whole season and now he's buggered off home. The last time I saw him was on the 15th of october after I went to leeds to meet him, when I came back my head was completely done in and I decided there and then that I was going to walk away as it wasn't fair on ANYONE most of all his wife, I feel utterly horrendous for doing what I have done and given the chance I would never have got myself into that sittuation..... I had no idea he was engaged, had I of known I would never have got involved with him...... so sweetie I do kinda understand where you are coming from, I struggle every day with not contacting him ect but I know its for the best Xxx


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## Fraggles

You have to stop sleeping with a married man, it should never of happened in the first place, I know you are hurting but imagine the pain that lady will be in when the man who commited to her slept around and got you pregnant and how do you know there aren't others???

Also just think if he's sleeping with numerous partners and if you are you risk catching STI/STDs and those could harm an unborn baby.

Put your child first set a good example and bring that baby up the best you can. I'd go down the legal route for maintenance and if his wife finds out well I hope she does so she can l know what scum he is.

Im sorry if im harsh but my baby was put at risk by a guy sleeping around behind my back with some women who knew I was pregnant.

If he has no morals or standards to set your son you need some.


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## Second Chance

Thanks I haven't spoken with him in over a week and it drives me nuts that he hasn't even tried to contact me but oh well! Thanks for the advice


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## moomin_troll

I'm sure he will call when he wants to get u into bed but I hope u continue to say no and stay strong for not only ur son but urself. U don't need to let someone treat u like a doormat....seems like he uses his wife for that one.


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## Emma 21

no one thinks you are a bad person its great that you are putting your son first. but i dont think this man cares about you or he would be there for you and your son. Leave him and go it alone. it is easy for a man to tell a woman what she wants to here while there is sex involved but if he loved you the way that you love him he would leave his wife and be with you x


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## Surreal

Sadly, I can totally sympathize with your situation -- except I found out he wasn't separating from his wife as he had led me to believe, and I was five weeks pregnant at the time. When I found out it hadn't happened, I told him to make a choice; either move out and leave her, or stay with her and leave me the hell alone. Guess what choice he made?

Believe me, you *can* do this, just as I have. Oh it was hell at first... I had allowed myself to fall in love with this man who was essentially going home and laying next to his wife every night. *Don't* be his "go to" when he feels the urge -- you deserve so much more then a man who's committed to someone else could *ever* offer. Hell, your son deserves more then that, just like my son deserves more then his pr*ck of a father could ever offer.

Sperm donation doesn't make a man a dad. That's all this man ever is to your son, genetical donation and income support... and exposure to a cheater will just encourage bad values in your son, and his outlook on the "acceptable" ways to treat women.

At first it's going to be hard, I know... I spent a lot of time crying. But time heals all things, and in the long run I believe it's strengthened my self-confidence more then anything. You can do this, leave him behind... and never look back. :flower:


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## Second Chance

Thanks sureal, it has been hard and I have had to contact him to ask for help with formula and and ride back from my moms (she lives 45 minutes away) but he was right there to do it sweet talking me telling me he's just happy to hear from even if I am mad at him. He says he is going to make an effort to ask about Raydynn more and be there for us when we need him, its hard for me to believe him but I want to give him the chance to prove that he wants to be there... I don't know I just now I'm guarded this time but I have to accept his help I can't do it alone otherwise


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## Second Chance

Ps surreal your son is really cute. :)


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## Surreal

Second Chance said:


> Thanks sureal, it has been hard and I have had to contact him to ask for help with formula and and ride back from my moms (she lives 45 minutes away) but he was right there to do it sweet talking me telling me he's just happy to hear from even if I am mad at him. He says he is going to make an effort to ask about Raydynn more and be there for us when we need him, its hard for me to believe him but I want to give him the chance to prove that he wants to be there... I don't know I just now I'm guarded this time but I have to accept his help I can't do it alone otherwise

Is he divorcing his wife? Is he willing to make a commitment to you? Also be aware that if he cheated on his wife, he will very likely do the same to you. I had found out about FOB later that this was in fact his *third* marriage, and that the woman he was married to now is the woman he cheated on his second wife with. And he cheated on his third wife with me, obviously. Very few men leave behind their cheating tendencies and move on... just remember to prepare yourself for the same pain his wife had to endure... if there aren't in fact other women on the side even now, that you don't know of.

Trust is a two-way street, and his is already questionable because of his treatment of his first wife. I wish you luck on your choice, whatever you make... but I think sticking with him is just asking for a world of pain. I'm sure if need be, you could find alternatives to travel? Though, of course helping you with his son is his responsibility. I've decided to go through the state, myself, as I know being involved with him he'll just continue to play mind games with me. He does with his second wife, whom he has a little girl with... and only off and on supports her, as he can't hold down a job for long. The poor woman is still hung up on him, even after six years of being divorced from him...




> Ps surreal your son is really cute.

Thank you! :D He really has become my whole world... I love him very much, despite the circumstances that brought him into this world. :)


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## Second Chance

I know what you mean and I am not going to be with him again but I do still need him at times... I know I could never be with him but it doesn't change anything... and I know what you mean about him being ur whole world my son is too!


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## scottishgal89

you don't NEED him. You want him to be there. You don't need him. Lots of us do it alone and cope. Don't mean offence or anything


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## xarlenex

I didn't read this full thread, so probably going to repeat something thats already been said.. Anyway, I'm glad you've put your foot down, just hope you can keep it up. Bit of motivation would be to just think of your son when he tries his 'charm' on again. Think about how a real man would want to know his son, and be there for him as much as he can. Think about how that beautiful little boy of yours deserves far better than a loser like that :hugs:


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## moomin_troll

You don't need a man!
I'm without my children father for completely different reasons to u and my kids come first, I have to live without their father and look after them and I am.
You don't need a man who uses and has no feelings for u, that goes home to other women or his wife at the end of the night. 

When my oh was alive Id always say I can live without u, I can't live without my kids.


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## gemabee

~daisychain~ said:


> you don't NEED him. You want him to be there. You don't need him. Lots of us do it alone and cope. Don't mean offence or anything

i agree... u don't need him at all.
no offence meant either but i think u rang him because u wanted to nd managed to find an excuse to do it (u needed a lift...?... bus / train / etc... u didn't NEED him... u wanted him there).
what needs to happen is for u to stop findin excuses nd jus back off completely.
i'm not tryin to be harsh sayin this... i'm jus sayin it 'matter of factly'.
deep down ur still wantin him to be with u... this is both unfair on u... nd his wife.
his poor wife!!! :nope::nope::nope:
the only person this isn't unfair on is him!!
i understand ur hurtin right now... nd i'm very sorry but i have no respect for women (or men) who ruin relationships / families / homes... my family has been torn apart because of women like u (i accept the men are jus as bad... but if women weren't chasin after them... they wouldn't cheat in the first place!).
BUT what i do have respect for is women who remove themselves from bad situations... women who are strong nd are amazin mummies!!
u have the chance to be the latter... so take it.


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## Second Chance

I hate to sound bitchy but I did NEED him, I had no other way home I called him to see if he could find someone to come get me but he couldn't afford a cab or find someone else there is no train or bus that runs between the two areas so yea I did what I had to do to get home... I am not concerned what people think of me due to my situation! And for the record I never chased him he came to me so call me a homewrecker all you want I have told him goodbye many times and HE always came back that is not my fault! My son is my world and if you want to assume I am a bad mother because I want the father of my child to be in my life! Than so be it, but you really should understand the situation before you assume you know what's going on!


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## gemabee

errr... no-one called u a bad mother.
calm urself.
i'm not gonna argue with u... but u got to ur mums somehow... so knew in advance u had to get back.
nearly all of us on this forum do it with absolutely no support from our fobs... nd we do jus great... u can too.
u don't need him... at all... stop lettin him disrespect u.


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## Jasiellover

hugs!


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## moomin_troll

gemabee said:

> errr... no-one called u a bad mother.
> calm urself.
> i'm not gonna argue with u... but u got to ur mums somehow... so knew in advance u had to get back.
> nearly all of us on this forum do it with absolutely no support from our fobs... nd we do jus great... u can too.
> u don't need him... at all... stop lettin him disrespect u.

I agree with what you've said.

I relied on my oh for well everything, I can't drive so now I have to do things without help I'm going to learn to drive and if I can't get back from somewhere I don't go.

No one on here that I've read has called u a homewreaker! We've all said u can do this without him in ur life n if u can't see that it's not our fault


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## scottishgal89

I agree with gemabee and moomin_troll. 
Noone is having a go at you. 
You asked for advice and we are giving you it. 
That's why you posted here in the first place...
I don't understand why you are being so defensive. 
You didn't NEED to phone him to get home. He shouldn't be a part of your life anymore. He's married. He should be there for his child. That is the only connection there is between the two of you


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## bobblebot

oh second chance please just grow up! You dont need him, as ive said before get some bloody self respect, stop acting like a helpless, pathetic kid and look after yourself. I'm a single mum of 5 and the only person i rely on is me. My ex had a baby with a woman like you and i had self respect and left the low life.

you don't need him, fact is he is not and never will be your man to need...get it!!!
If you have no way home then don't put yourself in that position in the first place. get responsible for your own actions and stop relying on him.

You ARE on your own, he doesn't want you so stop being pathetic and get a life on your own and let him take are of HIS family, wife and kids.

I may sound harsh and yes guess i'm having a go but if you were my sister i'd kick you're sodding ass...get in reality, wake up and be a proud woman and mother, not what sounds like some unconfident little girl looking for a daddy figure not just for kids but for herself....do your kids a favour and grow up!


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## v2007

Second Chance said:


> 22 single, mother of a wonderful baby boy, and in need of serious advice! My BD wants nothing to do with my son as he is married and doesnt want his wife to find out, however we have since than meet up at least 3 times a month and I think I may be pregnant again and odds are that its his, I havent filed child support as he pays me monthly But I dont know what to! I have no job, no car, no money and I can barely support my son... Any advice?:shrug:

So he having his cake AND eating it. 

Sounds like a wonderful fella!!!!:growlmad:

You are having unprotected sex with him and possibly pregnant and you have said you can barely support the baby you have already OMG, then why are you still having sex with him. :wacko:

I feel so sorry for his poor wife.:nope:

TBBH he is using you for a shag and thats it. 

He dont care about you, he gives you money to keep you sweet. 

If you let this carry on you will end up with more kids by him and maybe a son who thinks its ok to treat women like this.

Also you wrote ''odds are it his'' i am guessing there is another bloke on the scene or has been, i might sound like a cowbag but do you know the risks of having unprotected sex with many partners.

You both need to sort all this out cos if his wife finds out she is gonna flip, even more so when she inds he has a son.

Sorry if i have repeated what other have wrote.


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## 18singlemom2b

oh my god...if only you knew on how many level i can relate to you on..i'll private message you hun


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## 18singlemom2b

okay there's a few people that should stop being so harsh with this woman, like the reality is harsh and sure, tell her how it is because she did make a mistake but we don't know the circumstances around it. like many women here have also said, they entered into relationships with men blindly that they didn't even realize had commitments to other men! that's what happened to me, and by the time i figured everything all out, it was too late i was already pregnant. if you have never been the one on the other side of the table you can never understand the hurt that happens to the "other" woman. i'm not sure if this woman knew before, just talking about my own experience and some others that were mentioned here..

also to say that this other woman, and her kids are his family, you are forgetting one important thing. this woman and his child are his family too!!! whether he wants them to be, or whether they never talk again, he has abandoned a part of his family that he created. who cares how it came to be. this is his son and the mother of one of his children!


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## 18singlemom2b

*i meant other woman, as in his wife


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## AppleBlossom

First of all, you need to stop seeing him. He is only using you unfortunately. It's worse that he has a wife at home. Stop sleeping with him and get on with things. If you're pregnant, then contact Child support once it is born if you want to


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## aliss

18singlemom2b said:


> okay there's a few people that should stop being so harsh with this woman, like the reality is harsh and sure, tell her how it is because she did make a mistake but we don't know the circumstances around it. like many women here have also said, they entered into relationships with men blindly that they didn't even realize had commitments to other men! that's what happened to me, and by the time i figured everything all out, it was too late i was already pregnant. if you have never been the one on the other side of the table you can never understand the hurt that happens to the "other" woman. i'm not sure if this woman knew before, just talking about my own experience and some others that were mentioned here..
> 
> also to say that this other woman, and her kids are his family, you are forgetting one important thing. this woman and his child are his family too!!! whether he wants them to be, or whether they never talk again, he has abandoned a part of his family that he created. who cares how it came to be. this is his son and the mother of one of his children!

I do know what you mean about being 'duped' as I have as well in the past although I did not get pregnant so it was easier to walk away.

I think the problem here is that she says she wants him back despite this man making it painfully clear that he doesn't actually care about her.

("We had an amazing relationship we have so much in common and we get along so well, and I keep hoping if I can keep him around eventually he'll see how much how I love him and come back to us")

The ONLY way I was able to get past that situation was to admit that yes, I was wrong, and no, he doesn't actually love me, and no, things are not going to change (this has been going on for YEARS with her).

We can only control _our_ actions. Until we take responsibility for ourselves and stop making excuses for our poor choices, we can never move on. I think she loves her son more than anything else but I also think she loves *what she thinks this man could be*. But that is not what he is. Until she accepts that he will never be the father or partner that she wants him to be, she will never move on from this vicious circle.

Love someone for who they are and not what you think they can be.

Good luck to you (both of you!!!)


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## Second Chance

Thank you 18singlemum2b, its hard for me to get people to really understand the severity of the situation I do love him and want to be with him but I am slowly getting better, i had to. Call him to come get me fro. My moms because her transmission went out while we were there and I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE! You all act like its so easy, I have looked for a job I can't pay my rent and I can't find a job necaujse I am a felon! I have no income and there is no more assistance that I can receive ! Maybe you can afford to get do it completely alone but I can't!


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## scottishgal89

Why'd you go to your mums then? If you couldn't get back?
There should be no contact with him except if it's to do with his child. If he doesn't want that either. You should leave him alone. It's his choice really. 
It is harsh but as someone else already said, you are coming across "pathetic" and really quite childish. Prioritise your child and forget him.


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## Baby France

He doesn't love you - if he did, he'd be with you now. He doesn't care about you or his son - if he did, he would have left the minute he found out you were pregnant. You don't NEED him, you will ALWAYS be able to figure something out yourself with the help of your family and friends. I agree with Gemabee that I think it was just an excuse to contact him. 

I completely understand that it is hard to walk away from someone you care for - but you need to face facts, you are nothing but sex for him. You are his free ticket, always ready and willing for him to get his own way, because he knows how to push your buttons and charm you.

If his wife wants to stay with him and knowing full well he's out and about throwing his bits into anyone that'd have him then thats her choice. Personally I'd go about things the proper way - so he acknowledges his son as his own. 

I am not judging you. I've been there myself, however my OH and I went on a couple of dates and then I called it quits (when he told me he was married, no kids) within 4 weeks he'd left her and now he's divorced. I told him to sort his head out, get some space and a few months later we started dating properly, that was more than 3 years ago and we now live together and have two children. 

How to cut him out of your life will be hard. But remember that he doesn't care or love you - he cares more about how much action his pants are getting!! If he cared, he would have left at the beginning/pregnant. He keeps coming back because you LET him - that is your fault! If he has to promise that he'll ask more about his child...er WHAT? He is not a man, but a worm who's always on the look out for his next piece of arse. I'd keep reminding myself of the bad things he's said/done to make your heart strong and hard against his 'tales of love'


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## AP

Maybe some of the replies are a 'harsh' to some but unless someone has a magic wand to get this so called man to leave his wife then its pointless saying anything else, second chance is too defensive :shrug:
Stop calling this man, for gods sake, leave him to his wife. You are looking as awful as him now by encouraging his behaviour. You'll have no legs to stand on if his wife finds out, you won't look so innocent when you're the one needing him.


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## Second Chance

Wow ok, well let me start off by saying thanks you all for thinking in so pathetic! And for the record my son is my priority so that comment was unnecissary, you are all taking ur hurt for what your men did to you out on me! Look I am defensive because you are assuming that my son is second to anyone and that couldn't be farther from the truth! There have been a few people here who understood what have gone through and those few people who give me genuine advice are the ones that have the right to judge they now EXACTLY what I am going through! And they're more sympathetic, no I don't sympathy from any of you I just want honest advice on HOW to walk away how do I deal with it and along the way I am going to tell the obstacle I have to get past! If you can't help and only want to criticise please don't comment kepp your thoughts to yourself! I am looking for help and encouragment to get by not negativity and name callling! Thanks


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## scottishgal89

We can't give you advice on HOW to walk away.
Only you can do that.
People were supportive, but you saying you NEED him, isn't going to help. Because you don't.
We're not taking what our ex's did to us out on you, how can you make a comment like that when you don't know what they did?
We're giving you advice on a serious situation and being blunt with you to help you realise before you get hurt yet again.
At the end of the day, you posted on a PUBLIC forum. The name of your thread shows you know the situation isn't good in the first place. We all have different opinions and views and if you didn't want them, you shouldn't have asked.
I have not met one person in this section who is nasty and I have been in here nearly 2years. No-one called you a name. We told you the TRUTH. Something which by the sounds of it, you didn't want to hear.
We can't help you until your willing to help yourself


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## moomin_troll

Second Chance said:

> Thank you 18singlemum2b, its hard for me to get people to really understand the severity of the situation I do love him and want to be with him but I am slowly getting better, i had to. Call him to come get me fro. My moms because her transmission went out while we were there and I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE! You all act like its so easy, I have looked for a job I can't pay my rent and I can't find a job necaujse I am a felon! I have no income and there is no more assistance that I can receive ! Maybe you can afford to get do it completely alone but I can't!

Who here has said it's easy....no one!
My husband has died and he supported me n my son, week after he died I found out I'm pregnant. I don't have a job n despite laws no one will employ a pregnant depressed woman.
So no I can't afford to be a single mum n a lot of woman who have posted here don't get anything from fob, so ur lucky to get anything.

We've given u advice saying go thru courts to make sure u get child support from him....it's not our faults uve chosen not to read actual helpful comments.

The point is u don't need him, he doesn't love u and make sure he pays child support. And it's not our fault uve got a criminal record and can't find work either


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## scottishgal89

moomin_troll said:


> Second Chance said:
> 
> Thank you 18singlemum2b, its hard for me to get people to really understand the severity of the situation I do love him and want to be with him but I am slowly getting better, i had to. Call him to come get me fro. My moms because her transmission went out while we were there and I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE! You all act like its so easy, I have looked for a job I can't pay my rent and I can't find a job necaujse I am a felon! I have no income and there is no more assistance that I can receive ! Maybe you can afford to get do it completely alone but I can't!
> 
> Who here has said it's easy....no one!
> My husband has died and he supported me n my son, week after he died I found out I'm pregnant. I don't have a job n despite laws no one will employ a pregnant depressed woman.
> So no I can't afford to be a single mum n a lot of woman who have posted here don't get anything from fob, so ur lucky to get anything.
> 
> We've given u advice saying go thru courts to make sure u get child support from him....it's not our faults uve chosen not to read actual helpful comments.
> 
> The point is u don't need him, he doesn't love u and make sure he pays child support. And it's not our fault uve got a criminal record and can't find work eitherClick to expand...

:hugs:

So true, I missed bits out of my reply but you've covered it all. x


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## Second Chance

Being called pathetic is name calling... nobody's saying it "your fault" I am explaining to you how our situations are different! And how YOU may be able to do it but I am not!


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## Baby France

Second Chance said:


> Being called pathetic is name calling... nobody's saying it "your fault" I am explaining to you how our situations are different! And how YOU may be able to do it but I am not!

It sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself. You seem to want sympathy, but ultimately you got yourself into this situation. You CAN do it - you just have to WANT to do it!

My mum brought 5 kids up alone, with no job. She saved every penny she got and she only ever relied on my dad for the money he sent. He would see us, but thats because he wanted to. We ate beans on toast for alot of our childhood :lol:

If you didn't want people to be honest and open with you then maybe you should post for opinions on the internet in a public forum? 

People are only being honest and trying to give you a solution how to help yourself but by keep saying you NEED oh, it seems you are not at that point where you truly are fed up of the way he treats you and LO and want to continue being his shag piece :shrug:


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## AP

Sorry but you are feeling sorry for yourself, you knew what you were getting into playing with fire and you continued to do so by sleeping with him, so rather than help yourself and your son you dig a deeper hole. And calling him makes you look weak. Now we've all given advice but you complain you cant do it on your own. It sounds like you are complaining FOB didnt live up to his side of the bargain but in most cases they never do. We cant make him leave his wife for you. Thats all you seem to want.

Karma is crap, it hit me when i messed with a married man. :shrug: suck it up and learn, move on and become stronger.

Theres single mums on here who have posted on this thread with more children, children with disabilities, and they all manage and dont whine about how life never turned out how they wanted. They got up and showed some strength, and they'll be a role model.


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## v2007

Second Chance said:


> Wow ok, well let me start off by saying thanks you all for thinking in so pathetic! And for the record my son is my priority so that comment was unnecissary, you are all taking ur hurt for what your men did to you out on me! Look I am defensive because you are assuming that my son is second to anyone and that couldn't be farther from the truth! There have been a few people here who understood what have gone through and those few people who give me genuine advice are the ones that have the right to judge they now EXACTLY what I am going through! And they're more sympathetic, no I don't sympathy from any of you *I just want honest advice on HOW to walk away* how do I deal with it and along the way I am going to tell the obstacle I have to get past! If you can't help and only want to criticise please don't comment kepp your thoughts to yourself! I am looking for help and encouragment to get by not negativity and name callling! Thanks

Why??

You have said you dont want to stop seeing him so whats the point in asking for advice when seem to have already decided to continue seeing him. 

I would put yourself in his wifes shoes and then maybe you might get rid if him.


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## v2007

Second Chance said:


> Wow ok, well let me start off by saying thanks you all for thinking in so pathetic! And for the record my son is my priority so that comment was unnecissary, *you are all taking ur hurt for what your men did to you out on me*! Look I am defensive because you are assuming that my son is second to anyone and that couldn't be farther from the truth! There have been a few people here who understood what have gone through and those few people who give me genuine advice are the ones that have the right to judge they now EXACTLY what I am going through! And they're more sympathetic, no I don't sympathy from any of you I just want honest advice on HOW to walk away how do I deal with it and along the way I am going to tell the obstacle I have to get past! If you can't help and only want to criticise please don't comment kepp your thoughts to yourself! I am looking for help and encouragment to get by not negativity and name callling! Thanks

That comment is uncalled for....:grr:


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## AppleBlossom

I'm a single mum. I have been on the other side to you, fob cheated on me. That's his problem as far as I'm concerned. But it's not a nice feeling. Just for a minute imagine you were his wife and you found out he had potentially 2 kids with another woman who knew he was married. I don't think anyone has called you names, everyone has given advice. It might not be the advice you wanted to hear and that's why you're getting annoyed? People are telling you to walk away and forget about him. But I think you want him for yourself. But you need to realise he doesn't want you and instead of letting him use you, you should get you and your son out of the situation as quick as possible


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## gemabee

Second Chance said:


> Being called pathetic is name calling... nobody's saying it "your fault" I am explaining to you how our situations are different! *And how YOU may be able to do it but I am not!*

too bad because guess what... you have to. you don't have a choice.
i have been there... thinkin i couldn't do it... most of us have.
suck it up. 
i'll say it again - U DON'T NEED HIM.

as the cliche goes -
'u made ur bed... now lie in it'.

yes we've been harsh nd tried to give u a kick up the bum to help u walk... we've all given u advice... when lets be honest - u did a shitty thing.

the reason people are gettin fed up with u is cos ur ignorin the advice nd feelin sorry for urself... ur tryin to get sympathy out of people who have no sympathy for ur situation... not many people would.

we're not takin our hurt out on u... because we got over it!
stop bein so bloody rude.


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## Second Chance

My intention is not to be rude, I shouldn't have never posted at all, thanks for your advice I'm going back to journal now so thank you all and have a great new year


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## MrsBandEgglet

I get the impression you are harbouring a hope that he'll leave his wife for you someday? I guess as you have a child together now that's only natural but you knowingly slept with a married man and are now asking to not be judged. I'm sorry to be harsh but I just wouldn't have posted if I was you :shrug: You were aware of the damage you were causing and are now obviously repentant but unfortunately I think for many people it would be too little too late. 

Affairs destroy lives; if and when his wife finds out hers will never be the same again, she will probably struggle to trust another man that comes into her life, she will feel much less confident, the impact of an affair is devastating for all involved. His children with her could grow up with trust issues and fearing the worst in people. The impact on you is you may be constantly paranoid that any men you are with in the future will be just like him or there could be women out there just like you and you may worry you'll be the cheated rather than the cheater. Most importantly is the impact it could have on your son. 

My mother had an affair and ripped our lives apart and I'll never forgive her. You really should walk away completely now before any more damage is done. I do hope you can find some kind of happiness one day but I'd say learn a lesson from this, married men are off limits, that's what makes those vows so sacred. Don't mock them any more than you already have because some day *you* could be the wife


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## aliss

No personal judgment from me- 

There's one thing in common with every problem you have - whether it is with your FOB, being a felon, paternity issues with possible new beanie - you are making bad choices for yourself. Choices that don't make your life better, but make it worse. 

So until you decide to start making the right choices in life (and accepting your personal responsibility in making bad choices), then you're doomed to repeat this over and over again. Nobody can help you do anything until you choose to do the right thing. You KNOW what the right thing to do is, so you need to either do it or suffer the consequences again and again. Some of us in here are long past making those particular choices (I'm talking about 'taken' men) and we aren't judging it, we're saying how it is. In hindsight, everything that happened to me was because I wasn't doing the right thing. Nobody forced me to do the wrong thing, I did it on my own.

Good luck to you.


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## moomin_troll

I have days where I feel I can't do this, but then I think well I have to!
If u really think u can't look after ur son by urself then u need to look into doing whats best for him ur son not urself or this "man"


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## scottishgal89

My dad had an affair. It's had a huge impact on my life. I find it hard to trust and I feel bitter about a lot of things. I used to blame myself aswell. 
You knowingly went into this. Its hurtful. 
Your only thinking of yourself. 
I feel so so sorry for his wife and kids. 
I will never forget the day my mum found out. 
Truth always comes out in the end.


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## Abigailly

Play with fire and you'll get burnt.

Mother to mother, rathern than woman to woman (as if i didthatid probably get banned), but you can do it, you have no other choice. He's not going to leave his family. So you have to be strong. We all manage. You can too.

Take him to court for child support, he's his father, he has to pay too. Take two to tango and all that.

However in regards to the second, perhaphs you should think aboutsome long term contraception?


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## bobblebot

Yes i called you pathetic and no i'm not taking it out on you for what my husband did to me...and just to highlight he didn'tdo it alone...two were involved.

The reason i said pathetic wasn't meant in a name calling way, i said it as a wake up call to you and yes it caused a reaction and i bet it did make you think about what you're current position is.

BY allowing this man to treat you this way, by letting your emotions rule your behaviour and not looking at the situation for what it really is....pining for a man who walks all over you, uses you for sex, is someone eles and will never be yours, like it or not you are allowing yourself to act deperate and pathetic. Ask yourself if one of his kids with his wife needed a kidney and yours did too, whose kids life would he save....heaven hope that situation never arrives but i guess you know the answer....do your kids deserve that....if you and his wife were in life threatening situations who would he come to the rescue off...again you lose....if i'm harsh its becaue i am trying to help you see where this misplaced 'love' is putting you and your children.....always second, you can never be priority, whilst you may not have the self confidence to want more for yourself, don't you want more for your children?

I still love my husband but my self respect is worth more than having a cheat as a huband and i am not willing to have any of my hard earned money go towards supporting his onenight stand child, that is his issue. 

I am not saying the real 'you' is a bad person, we all make mistakes, but it is how we deal with them that makes us better people. You are probably a great mother but by walking away from this man who could never be good for you or the kids you would be a better mother. Ask yourself who you love the most, your kid or the man who uses you and then do what a mother should do and make the best decision for her children.


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## v2007

I dont think the OP cares or is coming back :shrug:

V xxx


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## Second Chance

Just for everyones update, I have gotten rid of BD and have moved on I am now with a wonderful man named mark he is great to my son and to me and best of all he is only with me!! Thanks for the advice ladies! I hope things work out with this one!


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## xtinydancerx

Second Chance said:


> Just for everyones update, I have gotten rid of BD and have moved on I am now with a wonderful man named mark he is great to my son and to me and best of all he is only with me!! Thanks for the advice ladies! I hope things work out with this one!

Good for you!:hugs:


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## Surreal

Second Chance said:


> Just for everyones update, I have gotten rid of BD and have moved on I am now with a wonderful man named mark he is great to my son and to me and best of all he is only with me!! Thanks for the advice ladies! I hope things work out with this one!

Whoot! Good for you, you deserve a man who is only your's! :thumbup: :thumbup: Good luck to you and your little man!


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## gemabee

all the best for the future x


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