# comments about special needs kids



## Adanma

Okay, I just need to get a few things off my chest. I am currently ttc #3 so I read a lot on the forums for that. I also have a 5.5 year old son who has Asperger's and a neurotypical 3 year old son. I understand that people hope and dream for perfect children. I understand that, and I felt that my first pregnancies, and I feel it now ttc #3. However, it makes my blood boil when people say things like they are actively trying to have a girl because there are more boys with autism. That goes beyond hoping for a healthy baby and into the realm of designer babies and eugenics. When I was pregnant with Ian (AS) did I touch my belly and think of how great it would be when he wouldn't make eye contact with me? No. Did I dream of the day we would be stopped in the mall because he was having a meltdown that was so bad it looked like we were kidnapping him? No. But I can tell you this: I knew as soon as I knew I was pregnant that no matter what condition my child was in when he was born, I wanted him. And he is my pride and joy. And it's hurtful when people are terrified they'll have a child like yours. 

Adanma


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## JASMAK

I hear ya!!! My daughter has autism, and people always comment to me...well, thank God she is a girl, because if she was a boy, it might have been worse! WTF? Then when I found out this one was a girl, people would say that was great because boys have autism more. My son doesn't have autism...so that doesn't even work in my family anyways, but HOW RUDE, right? Some have even said that it would be great if I now had a "normal" daughter. What is wrong with people??? Do people think I am trying to REPLACE my daughter??? :hugs: People are just really ignorant.


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## MrsRabbit

DS does not have Autism - he does however have sensory processing disorder and most likely OCD as well as asthma, allergies etc. When we got pregnant with our daughter - people made comments about how we shouldn't have had her. Even more so when she began having similar health issues as her brother.

Who is anyone else to say our children are less than theirs? That they cannot live completely happy lives and contribute positively to the world around them.

I've never been normal - normal is so boring. ;)


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## aob1013

Some people don't know how lucky they are hun xxxxxx


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## fairydreams

My dd was born prem and we have had the HV involved a lot recently as there has been issues such as her speach which she has therapy for and she has to take an inhaler for in the morning and evening and we have to carry one with us everywhere just in case. she also has the hayfever, eczema to go with it too but my main concern was her frustration, she has flipped out a couple of times in nursery because she cant communicate properly because her speach isnt mature enough yet, she gets confused and angry when people dont understand her so she then has the temper issue that the teachers have to deal with.
I was told when she goes up to reception in September that she will be monitored by the special needs team to which I didnt think nothing of, mentioned it in passing to my family and I can not believe how ignorant they are just because them two words have been mentioned! I know exactly how you feel hunni, she's still the same princess I fell in love with.

fairydreams :flower:


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## MUMOF5

My son has autism and i have had two other babies since him, when i was pregnant people would say to me "Are you hoping its a girl so theres less chance of it having autism?" Why would you even ask someone such a personal and insensitive question?!!:growlmad:. If all six of my children were autistic i wouldnt change a single one of them. Its not the easiest life for them or us as parents but its not like they have a life threatening disease, there are a lot of children far worse off. xx


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## Midnight_Fairy

People say to me silly things. They obviously have no clue about my life and I have now got a thick skin. I just think the ones making comments are the ones insecure about their own parenting ability's ;)


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## stephwiggy

i hope no one minds me posting here - you children will always be the apple of your eye and we pray for heath and happyness for our children - but they are our children and altho milestones may be different they are so rewarding. whilst i do not have a disblaed child i have worked with disabled/special needs children for years, and i myself have a disability. 

i wanted to wish you all well xx


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## Adanma

Thank you everyone for commenting. It makes me feel better knowing there are other mom's going through the same stuff. Mrs Rabbit: my son has SPD, ADHD, and a tic disorder as well. The sensory stuff is what he has the most trouble with. We've just gotten him comfortable with getting water on himself. (imagine bath time eh?) But he's been in the pool and everything this summer. It's a constant uphill battle, but like mumof5 said even if they were all autistic, I wouldn't change them for anything. Thanks again ladies for your support.

Adanma


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## Lottie86

I had someone stop and ask me what was up with Findlay when they saw his feeding pump. I explained about his problems and they told me that they had had a medical termination at 23.5 weeks as they found out their baby had a chromosome abnormality and were told it could have all sorts of issues that go along with the rare chromosome abnormalities and that they had been struggling to come to terms with the decision they had made. 

Of course I felt instant sympathy for them as that must have been a horrendous situation to be in (we didn't know about Findlay's issues during pregnancy) however she then said "having met your little boy I now know we made the right decision as I couldn't have put my daughter through all of that". I'm glad in a way if meeting Findlay has helped her come to terms with things more but boy did that comment hurt!!!


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## Adanma

lottie: whoa! I would have bitch slapped her! I don't care how hard of a decision it was! All she saw was the feeding tube and the problems. She couldn't see the child past that? I'm glad women have a choice when it comes to things like that, but it makes me shudder to think about such a late termination. It makes me think of my cousin Colin. My aunt had so many miscarriages. She finally adopted my cousin Renee, and two years later found out she was pregnant. She got a God awful throat infection which they wouldn't treat because she was so early in pregnancy. Well it got to the point where she needed IV antibiotics. Anyway, she went for an ultrasound and they saw he had hydrocephaly (water in the brain cavity)and a portion of the brain wasn't there at all. They were told he would never, walk, talk, see, eat on his own, etc and if she chose to have him he would need to be institutionalised. SHe chose to have him and raise him. He is in high school now on grade level. He reads and writes with a highly magnified computer screen. He walks with a walker. He talks. He's an amazing boy. It's this story that made me certain I could never terminate because of problems. Doctors don't know everything. I'm sorry she had to go through that hard choice, but how can you look at someone and their child and say you're glad you killed yours instead of having one like that?!

Adanma


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## MUMOF5

Lottie86 said:


> I had someone stop and ask me what was up with Findlay when they saw his feeding pump. I explained about his problems and they told me that they had had a medical termination at 23.5 weeks as they found out their baby had a chromosome abnormality and were told it could have all sorts of issues that go along with the rare chromosome abnormalities and that they had been struggling to come to terms with the decision they had made.
> 
> Of course I felt instant sympathy for them as that must have been a horrendous situation to be in (we didn't know about Findlay's issues during pregnancy) however she then said "having met your little boy I now know we made the right decision as I couldn't have put my daughter through all of that". I'm glad in a way if meeting Findlay has helped her come to terms with things more but boy did that comment hurt!!!

:hugs:. What an insensitive comment, id have been hurt too. xx


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## midori1999

I know how you feel. My son has Downs Syndrome and I constantly come across threads on boards like this about women terrified their child might have Downs or who are terminating because their child has Downs. (90% of women who find out their baby has Downs whilst still pregnant choose to terminate) I also hate it when women say it wouldn't be fair on their other children if they had a baby with Downs. 

I am all for women making their own choices, but it makes me feel physically sick, especially as I know that Downs seems like such a 'monster' until your child has it, then it simply becomes a genetic condition your child happens to have. My son is such an individual, Downs is only a part of who he is, but it is a part of who he is and I wouldn't change him for the world.


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## Adanma

Midori: I have a cousin with downs and it always bothers me when people choose to terminate because of that. Patrick is such a wonderful boy and talk about smart!

Adanma


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## Midnight_Fairy

I find it sad when people say oh I am sorry, as if your child's disability is a curse! I feel privileged to have my son to be honest...not burdened x


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## JASMAK

EmzyMathRuby said:


> I find it sad when people say oh I am sorry, as if your child's disability is a curse! I feel privileged to have my son to be honest...not burdened x


Yes! I had one lady say to me "what a shame" when she learned she had autism. WTF?!


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## DanielleM

Hi ladies have not posted in this section before (only just come across it) but I have a son who has cerebral palsy and he uses both a wheelchair and a kaye walker, thankfully he is very up to speed intellecutally and it is mainly his legs that are affected but I can sympathize with you all about the stares and people saying 'ah isnt he doing well', and I know they are trying to be nice but how on earth do you know what he was like before??? It is them pitying looks what really get to me as my son Evan will be 6 next week and will begin to realise that people are feeling sorry for him- he doesnt need their pity!!!
And Lottie86 I cant believe somebody could make such a hurtful comment about your son, I am actually speechless. 
The most hurtful comment I received actually came from Evan's biological father who left when I was pregnant then come back when he was 4 and left again after 6 months claiming that he was ashamed and embarrassed by his own son- his loss I say!!
Evan has been brought up by my current partner from the age of 2 and calls him dad, he actually cant remember the 'man' that come back for 6 months or he never mentions him and neither do I!!! Now we have another one on the way to complete our little family and yes I am very nervous about the health of this baby but whatever will be will be!!!


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## Tegans Mama

I understand completely, our daughters extra needs are entirely physical and becoming quite obvious as she gets older. It irritates me so much when people say they're sorry she is the way she is..... Why??? I'm not sorry, she was both this way and this is the way G-d made her.


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## Lottie86

It's such a shame that these people can only see our children's equipment and disabilities rather than their gorgeous faces. 

The other one that gets me is *'oh but he looks normal'*. A lot of people don't seem to grasp that just because he looks like other babies (bar his gastrostomy tube) that he could have anything wrong with him. If he had a something like Down Syndrome and so looked slightly different to other babies I think people would be more understanding and not make so many rude comments but because his rare chromosome disorder doesn't seem to produce any distinct facial differences people think it's fair to make comments about him. 

Don't get me started on the comments you get parking in a disabled space:

Them: either tutting at me or making comments to me about it being a disabled space not a parent and child space

Me: My son is disabled, he has a blue badge that is correctly displayed in the windscreen

Them: *peering at him* well he looks fine to me 

Me: :wacko::dohh::wacko::dohh:

They struggle to grasp the fact that he has bulky medical equipment that needs to be carried around with him and can need to be taken to hospital asap at times and so needs to be kept close to a car. Now you can guarantee when he is older if he needs a wheelchair these same people wouldn't _dream_ of making comments like this although that is very sad in a way too as it means people can't see beyond someones wheels.


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## Lottie86

Adanma said:


> lottie: whoa! I would have bitch slapped her! I don't care how hard of a decision it was!

I try not to judge people as I have no idea if I would have made the same decision she had made had I known about Findlay before he was born and tbh I am not 100% sure what I would do if I was faced with the same situation again (as in a future pregnancy they would do a cvs/amnio to check for this particular chromosome abnormality as it isn't one checked for on a normal cvs/amnio) and I am sure the lady didn't mean to upset me.

Admittedly if she hadn't told me about her baby and had just said something along the lines of 'I'd have got rid of him' I'd have been fuming with her.


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## DanielleM

Lottie86 said:


> It's such a shame that these people can only see our children's equipment and disabilities rather than their gorgeous faces.
> 
> The other one that gets me is *'oh but he looks normal'*. A lot of people don't seem to grasp that just because he looks like other babies (bar his gastrostomy tube) that he could have anything wrong with him. If he had a something like Down Syndrome and so looked slightly different to other babies I think people would be more understanding and not make so many rude comments but because his rare chromosome disorder doesn't seem to produce any distinct facial differences people think it's fair to make comments about him.
> 
> Don't get me started on the comments you get parking in a disabled space:
> 
> Them: either tutting at me or making comments to me about it being a disabled space not a parent and child space
> 
> Me: My son is disabled, he has a blue badge that is correctly displayed in the windscreen
> 
> Them: *peering at him* well he looks fine to me
> 
> Me: :wacko::dohh::wacko::dohh:
> 
> They struggle to grasp the fact that he has bulky medical equipment that needs to be carried around with him and can need to be taken to hospital asap at times and so needs to be kept close to a car. Now you can guarantee when he is older if he needs a wheelchair these same people wouldn't _dream_ of making comments like this although that is very sad in a way too as it means people can't see beyond someones wheels.

My son is 6 and has a wheelchair and I still get the tutting and disapproving looks when I park in disabled spaces, one woman even said to me that because I was pushing him in his wheelchair that I shouldn't be entitled to the space and she should!!! I kindly told her to f**k off!!! (pardon my french)!!!


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## MrsRabbit

That's stupid. I can barely get the kids out in a typical space if there is a mammoth SUV in the next spot it's even harder...I cannot imagine telling someone with a kid in a wheelchair they shouldn't use the spot.


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## Midnight_Fairy

I know people round here who found out I get DLA. Now, apparently I am not entitled (according to others) due to my son looking and seeming "normal" WTF get a life and stop interfering in mine lol. Its not easy to claim. You cant just make stuff up!


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## Emmea12uk

Lottie86 said:


> It's such a shame that these people can only see our children's equipment and disabilities rather than their gorgeous faces.
> 
> The other one that gets me is *'oh but he looks normal'*. A lot of people don't seem to grasp that just because he looks like other babies (bar his gastrostomy tube) that he could have anything wrong with him. If he had a something like Down Syndrome and so looked slightly different to other babies I think people would be more understanding and not make so many rude comments but because his rare chromosome disorder doesn't seem to produce any distinct facial differences people think it's fair to make comments about him.
> 
> Don't get me started on the comments you get parking in a disabled space:
> 
> Them: either tutting at me or making comments to me about it being a disabled space not a parent and child space
> 
> Me: My son is disabled, he has a blue badge that is correctly displayed in the windscreen
> 
> Them: *peering at him* well he looks fine to me
> 
> Me: :wacko::dohh::wacko::dohh:
> 
> They struggle to grasp the fact that he has bulky medical equipment that needs to be carried around with him and can need to be taken to hospital asap at times and so needs to be kept close to a car. Now you can guarantee when he is older if he needs a wheelchair these same people wouldn't _dream_ of making comments like this although that is very sad in a way too as it means people can't see beyond someones wheels.

I agree with everything that has been said here. My son looks 'normal' and we get the blue badge quiz everytime we use it. Why should I tell them what is wrong with him? Why does he have to look disabled? 

I am expecting number two and I don't put my hand on my belly and wish for anything. My boy may have so many different problems , but I don't see them. To me he is perfect. If the next child comes with it's own challenges then do be it. Every child who has special needs has a smile, a personality and capacity to love - I don't need more than that.


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## Adanma

You put that beautifully emmea.

Adanma


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## nicola1076

Hi I'm 27 I have a 4Year old who has Autism and also tm8 he was born premature at 27weeks. I can honestly say I would not change him for the world!

I have seen this section but I have previously chosen not to look on here due to the fact that I hate it when people say hurtful things like I wouldn't want a child with special needs or just stupid untrue facts about Autism. I even have had issues with family members too who when found out Jake had autism acted differently to him eg, asking him silly questions like how old are you?? or whats your name? GRRRRRR! I also have a second son who is 3 Joshua plus I am expecting our 3rd Boy in november. Yes I do have my hands full but mainly due to the fact Joshua has selective hearing and chooses not to listen to me ;) yes Jake has daily melt downs but with his pecs and visual time tables they are not as bad as they could be. Having Jake has made my life so wonderful (and josh too) I have met a wonderful friend who also has a child with Autism (a girl) and I wouldn't change a thing! having a child with special needs doesn't have to be such a negative thing I just wish people would see that! 

PS. I'm not worried that my 3rd baby will have autism to be honest I haven't really thought about it I'm just grateful to be expecting again :)


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## Adanma

Nicola: You know I used to think that people who were ignorant about autism etc were just dumb and didn't deserve such a special child anyway. I have come to realise though that they are simply ignorant. 

It really does take having a child with special needs to understand the beauty of that situation. That said, there is never an excuse to treat a child differently once you find out. There is never an excuse to proclaim how glad you are your kid isn't like that. You can be ignorant and not knowledgeable about something and not be rude. 

I used to shy away from this section too because i didn't want to hear that kind of stuff because I have a strong emotional response to it. I have found that that stuff doesn't really happen here. It's the OTHER sections you have to worry about! lol! And I like that I have found my voice and will educate people when they are ignorant like that.

Wishing you a happy, healthy, easy rest of your pregnancy!

Adanma


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## ocean_pearl

Hi girls, I dont have children yet but i work in early years looking after children with SEN especially autism. I find the comments you ladies have faced so ignorant!! I love the children i work with soo much, and they are all so individual and different and have their own little quirks just like all children.

My nephew has special needs and my sister has had the comments 'what a shame' 'but he looks normal' etc etc for years now. Its been hard but they're stronger for it.

And in regards to people wanting to have girls so there is less chance of autism, how stupid.I work with many girls with autism, some very high functioning and some very severe but they're such a joy to work with

:)


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## FlumpsMamma

it makes me sick to know that people are so prejudice again children with needs, they cant help it and in my experience if you look past the needs of these beautiful children you will see their wonderful personalities and warm hearts. I do not have a disabled child but if the one i am carrying now had any problems i wouldnt think twice about keeping it the choice has already been made me and my otherhalf have already said we would never get rid of this child unless i was going to die, but if i could pick between me living and my child even if disabled id pick my child. 
if my child is disabled and anyone says anything to me i know i will just brush it off because they cant understand, and generally people are scared of things they dont understand so they shun anything different.
so just stay strong ladies and ignore all the negativity its not worth getting upset over when you have such beautiful babies


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## MrsRabbit

I think God gave me a second special needs kid because he knew I could be a strong advocate for her thanks to all I learned with her brother. He picked me out of every woman on this planet to be mother to these kids and I am so thankful he thought I was worthy of them.


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## Adanma

MrsRabbit: I feel like that too! I have one autistic son and one neurotypical, but they are BOTH blessings and I feel so priveleged to be their mom!

Adanma


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## ZannahRain

As I read your comments I have to remind myself that I refuse to feel guilty for actually wishing my daughter did NOT have her condition. You see, she has been diagnosed with Leigh's Disease, a rare neurodegenerative disorder that has no cure and is terminal. If you took away that last part, I feel like I'd be right along with the rest of you and say I wouldn't change my child even if given the opportunity. But I don't see anything wrong in me wishing things were different so that I can always keep my baby.

I think one of the worst comments I've had came from her biological fathers (out of the picture and gladly replaced by my loving husband) step-mother, who had not seen my baby in over a year. We ran into her at Walmart one day and she asked how my daughter was doing. I explained that she had been regressing a lot more than normal and she was scheduled to get a Gtube placed because she could no longer eat anymore. She had the nerve to tell me that at least when she passes she won't be suffering anymore, then she gave me her number and said to call when there is a funeral. 

My daughter is STILL ALIVE, and showing all signs that she doesn't plan on giving up easily. And another thing, she is NOT suffering. The closest she comes to suffering is being upset after a seizure, and getting pissy when she can't find the control to bring her thumb to her mouth. After she said this I felt physically sick. I just turned and walked away for fear that otherwise I would be arrested for beating her with the nearest canned product.:muaha:

It's their loss. My daughter is an angel and a blessing.


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## 15.11.10

ZannahRain said:


> As I read your comments I have to remind myself that I refuse to feel guilty for actually wishing my daughter did NOT have her condition. You see, she has been diagnosed with Leigh's Disease, a rare neurodegenerative disorder that has no cure and is terminal. If you took away that last part, I feel like I'd be right along with the rest of you and say I wouldn't change my child even if given the opportunity. But I don't see anything wrong in me wishing things were different so that I can always keep my baby.
> 
> I think one of the worst comments I've had came from her biological fathers (out of the picture and gladly replaced by my loving husband) step-mother, who had not seen my baby in over a year. We ran into her at Walmart one day and she asked how my daughter was doing. I explained that she had been regressing a lot more than normal and she was scheduled to get a Gtube placed because she could no longer eat anymore. She had the nerve to tell me that at least when she passes she won't be suffering anymore, then she gave me her number and said to call when there is a funeral.
> 
> My daughter is STILL ALIVE, and showing all signs that she doesn't plan on giving up easily. And another thing, she is NOT suffering. The closest she comes to suffering is being upset after a seizure, and getting pissy when she can't find the control to bring her thumb to her mouth. After she said this I felt physically sick. I just turned and walked away for fear that otherwise I would be arrested for beating her with the nearest canned product.:muaha:
> 
> It's their loss. My daughter is an angel and a blessing.

That is the most insensitive thing iv ever heard... massive hugs to you and your little girl xxxxx


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## Emmea12uk

That is truely awful! What happened to "is there anything I can do to help?" or other kinds of support. I am horrified for you - that woman males me beyond speechless. Bless you for having the strength to walk away.


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## Nathyrra

That absolutely awful Zannahrain. There's only so far you can blame someones ignorance before what they say is just arsy and insensitive.

My son has Down Syndrome and he's the absolute light of my life. It does hurt when people on the pregnancy boards are wishing NOT to have a child like mine. I know that over 90% of people will terminate a child with T21. I think it's down to ignorance. Jeez, There isn't enough room on this page for me to list all the things my son brings to my life. I see the world differently, his arrival has bought our families closer together. Everyone absolutely dotes on him.

Loads of people have asked me if we're having a second child (one child is the norm in Germany) We were always going to have a second child but not because my son is invalid or something. It was a long hard road that brought me to this point but now everyday I thank the powers that be that my son was born to me, one extra chromosome and all!


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## Annamor

Some peopel dont know what they are missing out on... 

A dissabeld child "sometimes" give the parent so much more back, their joy of life seems bigger to me. 

But peopel are afriad they cant handle it.


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