# Getting myself ready for gender echo in a week. And does gender swaying even work?



## Visje

We've booked a private echo on Sunday to find out the gender of our child, this will be our first, we'll be 15 weeks then.

For a lot of reasons, I prefer a girl. Without boring you guys with the details, I had a horrible relationship with my father, I experienced a lot of sexism growing up but now live in a culture that is more open-minded about feminism, my husband would be amazing with a daughter, and with both of us as parents then the idea of seeing a little girl grow up without having to put up with all of the obstacles that I did really appeals to my inner child.

My intuition says we actually are having a girl, but question this A LOT as wishful thinking is a powerful thing. My husband and mother-in-law are both convinced we're having a girl. He has had a lot of dreams with a daughter, I've had a few but not as frequently as I have. My mother-in-law would also love a granddaughter, she never had a daughter, and my husband's only brother has a son and is stopping with just him. I often wonder too how much their intuition is shaped by the fact that I've expressed a desire for a girl quite a bit.

We did think about trying to sway for this child, but I decided against it just because this was our first and I didn't know how fertile or not we were. Obviously we're very fertile, we're both in our 30s and conceived in 1 cycle, so this opens the door for trying to sway for our 2nd child. Part of our plan to keep my sanity until the echo is to think of going for our 2nd child as giving our 1st a good playmate. If we do have a girl 1st, I actually would prefer to have a boy 2nd, as I think that it's important for children to grow up not seeing the opposite gender as some sort of alien species, and it would be good for our daughter to have more good men in her life besides my husband. I know it sounds weird, but the idea of never having a girl scares me, and the idea of never having a boy just makes me sad. I would love to have 3 children altogether, but the jury is out on if finances will allow more than 2. So after the child we're expecting now then we could only have one more chance to get our girl, and I can see trying to conceive a girl for our 2nd being a lot more stressful than trying to conceive a boy for our 2nd, for the reasons I just described. And if we do have a 3rd, it would be nicer if we already had both genders and could just make a baby.

In any case, I'm wondering from peoples' experiences if swaying even works? I won't be actively thinking about that for the next 2 years or so, but if it is, it at least makes the possibility of this echo a lot less stressful, and lets me start habits right after the birth to maximize the chance of an opposite for our 2nd.

And last but not least, various pseudo-scientific tests that I have done, such as skull theory, Ramzi theory, and the baking soda test (it just blew a few tiny bubbles, like flat soda), heartbeat was 170 at 10 weeks, all say that we're having a girl. Again, worried that wishful thinking could end up being a complete mindfu&# and backfire if we find out we are having a boy.

So what should I do? I'd really love to go into this echo excited like it's Christmas morning and we're finding out what our present is, not scared as hell!


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## Misscalais

Swaying, like hard core swaying, diet, supplements etc does help to sway but nothing is ever 100% but it gives you a better chance. I tried to sway to get a girl ( we have two amazing sweet boys ) that we did not sway what so ever as I was happy to have either ( although with my 2nd I did want a girl but was just as fine with a boy ) but knowing that we will only have one more I really want a girl. Swaying for me is too hard but I am taking cal and mag tables trying to cut down on 'boy friendly' foods but that is about it. I've had two miscarriages this year, a friend miscarriage at 17 weeks and numerous other friends ( on here ) having miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies I'm at the point where I just want to be pregnant with a healthy baby and for it to happen soon, I'm only 26 and we've been ttc for almost 12 mths now :(
I hope you hear girl :) fingers crossed for you. Make sure you let us know.


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## Visje

I really hope so too. I thought I was ok with either, but now that we're in the week before we find out it's really screwing with my head to the point where I lost sleep over it last night. I posted an ultrasound in the gender prediction section, and when someone finally did answer they said boy. And actually a huge part of me knows we're getting a boy just because I never get what I want. That, and most of what scares me about becoming a mother doesn't scare me at all about having a girl.

I lost sleep last night and found myself doing some research about swaying, so I have an idea of what to be prepared for. It would be good to find something that's at least 80% effective, though it's tricky with a lot of the diets I've found online, as I'm vegan and so many of the girl diets require a lot of dairy. But I do hope that I can find a plan that I can follow, and not obsess too much about it, after all my husband and I have agreed that we're not going to start trying for our 2nd at least until our 1st reaches their 2nd birthday. Just find one so that way I can rest reasonably assured that we'll have a daughter one day and then enjoy our son. In hindsight, I wish we had swayed for this one, but I had no idea how fertile or not we were and didn't want to take chances as we're both in our 30s. And the more we talk about it, the more it looks like we're not going to be able to afford a 3rd, so if this one is a boy, then it's a 50% chance that we'll never have a girl.

Good luck trying to conceive your 3rd!


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## Visje

Alright, 2 guesses on here and 1 guess on In-Gender say boy, no guesses say girl, so maybe I did do the skull theory wrong. Really panicking right now too. With my history, there is no way I can do skin-on-skin contact right after birth, which has been emphasized as being very important, with a boy without feeling like a pedophile. Not to mention breastfeeding and bathing are going to be interesting.

I really should have swayed this time. I'll love him just as much, but at the same time, this stirs up way too many issues that I really need to be left alone as I'm becoming a new mother.

That, and a very high chance that I will never get the opportunity to be such a direct and positive influence on a girl's life as I would be if I had a daughter. That's a connection that I really need so badly it hurts.


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## Willow87

How about being a direct and positive influence on your maybe son's life? If you have a girl, it doesnt mean you and her will have such a great connection you know. I can relate in a way, like you I toyex with the idea of swaying but we decided to wing it and just have fun. Got pregnant right away and I so badly wanted a girl. Both families wanted us to have a girl. I felt so worried and pressured that I opted to stay team yellow till birth. Well I had a baby boy. I wasnt surprised at all really since hubby!s family is full of boys. I was smitten by him from the moment they laid him on me. He is now a gorgeous 2 month old and I could not wish for anything better. Do I still want a girl? YES! And I def plan to sway in 2 years time but for now, im going to enjoy my son . My advice is to chill. What will be, will be. Good lucj.


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## Misscalais

I don't understand why you would feel like a pedophile, it's kind if like saying breast feeding a girl would make you feel like a lesbian or saying that hubby would look like a pedophile having skin on skin with his daughter, that thought never enters your mind at all its just not a sexual thing what so ever. Your motherly instincts take over and you just want to cuddle your baby all day long. Skin on skin is important but not the be all or end all, if you don't want to do it get hubby to do the 1st few cuddles with skin on skin. No matter what you have gone through in life having your very own child, one who will be depending on your love and nurturing will be all that matters to you in that very moment. Seeing that newborn face for the 1st time, 1st cuddles there is nothing quite like it.
I hope this doesn't come off insensitive to you I just don't know how to word it properly. I'm absolutely not trying to offend you at all :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: 
When do you have your scan?


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## onetwothreebp

I really hope you hear :pink:! 

Not every mother/daughter relationship is special. I have a terrible relationship with my mother and sisters. I have a fantastic relationship with my son though, I absolutely adore being a mom to a little boy. 

If you do hear :blue:, I promise it's not the end of the world. It _will_ get better. 

:hugs:


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## Visje

I had my scan yesterday, I moved it as I couldn't wait any longer. And it is a boy.

I'm devastated. I could feel the presence of our daughter all around me up until this point, so why would the universe torture me like this? My father couldn't be around me without getting horny thoughts, so the idea of starting out with a child of the opposite gender is intimidating as hell, especially when as a mother I have to breastfeed.

I also keep hearing over and over that it's all in how you raise them. Take it from me, that isn't a guarantee. My parents tried to raise me to be a Christian and a Republican, and I ended up more interested in Eastern spirituality and moving to Holland to be with my husband. So I could raise him to be the most sensitive man ever, and he could just as easily grow up to be a womanizer. And before my husband, I had more men hurt me than I have fingers and toes to count them on. Peer pressure is also a very powerful thing, which could easily undo the best parenting we could give them, and based on the fact that "boys will be boys" seems way too accepted, this is so much more likely with a boy. I would have felt more comfortable with a boy if he had an older sister to help set the example that women are not the enemy.

I was fine for the first 3 or so hours after, then couldn't stop crying when I realized that the chances are now 50% that we'll never have a daughter. We had her name picked out since we met, and only figured out our boy's name a few months ago. And my father in law thinks I'm being insensitive, but I can't hide my tears. At the end of the day, for some people, gender disappointment goes much deeper than no ballet classes or what not, which I wouldn't force any daughter of our's into anyway. It's just after a childhood of being raped followed by an early adulthood of being used by men, I need to send a girl into the world confident and empowered, what she does with it is up to her.

With a boy though, I'm going to spend the first few years feeling way too intimate for comfort between breastfeeding, bathing, etc., and will be eagerly looking forward to the day where his privates are for his eyes only. Then the teen years paranoid about finding porn in his room. I'm not equipped for this, and I didn't realize it until last night.


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## babyhopes2010

:hugs: sounds like you really need to get some help in dealing with this hun :hugs:

I was physically abused as a child and was beaten by my brother alot. 
i actually wanted a boy- this time we are having a boy. i want to teach that boy to respect women to be confident sensitive and gentleman like. I feel by raising a good honest man itll some how undo all the hurt iv had from the past. i have a boy and a girl now. i will ensure that they respect eachother.

i would be funny about changing a babies nappy but honestly when u have your own baby u mmay not see it like that. x

at the end of the day you can only guide children. you cant set it in stone. 
wether boy or girl they will have choices in life.
there are serial murderers both male and female as well as pedophiles.


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## Visje

How do you make a boy, or a girl for that matter, immune from peer pressure? My husband is also a great example of what a man should be, but in my experience peer pressure is a very powerful thing not to be underestimated. I certainly don't want him to get bullied because we've raised him to be nice.


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## babyhopes2010

Visje said:


> How do you make a boy, or a girl for that matter, immune from peer pressure? My husband is also a great example of what a man should be, but in my experience peer pressure is a very powerful thing not to be underestimated. I certainly don't want him to get bullied because we've raised him to be nice.

Thats what im saying is you cant control who your child will be. you can give them morals,self respect and boundaries. Being nice doesnt mean he would be a push over. My husband is loving kind but he is also an independent strong confident man.

your father wasnt the way he was or my brother due to peer pressure!


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## MrsM17

It doesn't seem like your issues are which sex your baby will be more that you have unresolved issues that need dealing with before your son is born.

Having a baby is hard. People say that but x it by a million and you are still nowhere near. That coupled with gender disappointment and these issues set you up for PND. Pls go and see your gp for some support and a possible referal x


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## Misscalais

Sorry you didn't hear girl.
Congratulations on a healthy boy though.
GD is very real for everyone that experiences it regardless of the reason behind it. I don't want a girl just for the 'girly' things I want to experience all that comes with a daughter I'm not a girly girl what so ever I'm into cars and boats and I hate pink lol.
My sister was raped by a 'friend' when she was 15 and my aunt was molested as a child by one of my pops friends as well so I can understand the heart ache of that, men can be absolute pig headed wankers but so can women.
I'd love to help you with the peer pressure issue as well but I'm still freaking out about that as well. I'm terrified my kids will fall into the peer pressure pit. I guess teaching them right from wrong, being very open with them about how women should be treated and respected. And maybe even one day when he is much older talk to him about your experiences and what you went through ( obviously not onto all the details ) and I'm sure hubby is going to be a beautiful example for him. All we can do is the very best we can do and our kids will make what they want of it and hope that they choose the right walk in life.
You don't have to breast fed. You can express if you want or just do formula from day one its totally up to you. 
I really feel for you so much. And I hope that you do get your girl next, definitely look into swaying and I think u said you are vegan? So don't worry about not being able to have dairy you can take a higher dose in calcium tablets :)


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## babyhopes2010

gender swaying doesnt work and could lead to move disappointment. just cos this ones a boy doesnt mean you wont have a girl next time.


this was our last so we are delighted to have a boy and girl. wouldnt want to have a 3rd with the intention it must be a certain gender, gd is hard and very real i would have cried in the scan if they told me girl x


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## onetwothreebp

Gender swaying actually can work. 

I really advise you to seek therapy for the sake of your son. Having a boy is a very special relationship and I don't want you to miss out on that. 

We can raise our sons and daughters to how we think they should be but at the end of the day, they will still make their own decisions because they are their own people.


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## Visje

Thanks, and I still don't feel good. I took a walk with my husband to the park, and saw so many girls playing, my heart completely sank.

Agreed though that confidence and more confidence is important to keep him from getting bullied. On the bright side though, we're both tall even for Dutch people, so his size might save him from getting bullied as much.

I practice a lot of meditation and yoga, and while it still takes years to heal from 20+ years of trauma, it works a lot better than traditional therapy. Traditional therapy is more about scratching at my wounds from the past, not talking about how I can build a better future, and then throwing some antidepressant at me so big pharma can make some more money. Been there, done that with bad experiences with them. And I have been to more therapists than I can count, unless they have actually walked in my shoes, they have no idea. I'm very on guard about this as a parent, no one will ever talk me into putting any of my children on psychological medication, which they throw at them like it's candy and actually makes the problem worse, causing brain damage. In short, I need to leave my wounds to rest so they can heal as opposed to scratching at them, and work on building a better future.

In Holland, there's the same people who did the Dutch gender study through Maastricht University that got an 81% success rate for girls, and my husband and I are both open to trying them when we're ready for our next. It's about 1500 Euros though, so not cheap, but cheaper than flying to Cyprus for sperm sorting, which has a 90% success rate for girls, and cheaper than adopting. If anyone else knows of other ways to sway that promise a similar success rate, please let me know so that we have options.

Biggest fears right now, having my PTSD triggered by the baby stage with a boy, that, and feeling like the odd one out in our house. For me, having a girl was all about having a happy ending for the drama I survived by my daughter having a great start in life, and being able to take on the world with confidence. Boys have always had an advantage because they're boys, so a son being happy and fulfilled seems way too easy in comparison.


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## Misscalais

Men must be treated differently where you live cause we are all pretty much equals here. Boys have always had an advantage because they are boys? I really don't understand that at all so it must be something different where you live. Every girl and every boy have the same equal opportunities here if a girl wants to be a plumber or a builder she absolutely can, if a man wants to be a nurse or a ballet teacher he can. My uncle ( through marriage ) is Dutch and I must say he's a very over powering man.
I must also say and I was thinking about this last night when changing DS2 nappy in the middle of the night. Little boys often get erections. I was mortified the 1st time I seen DS1 with one as a newborn and I confronted hubby and he was like yeah it's normal it's NOT sexual in anyway what so ever it's just a reaction to the sudden cold or if they need to do a wee and haven't emptied their bladders in a while. So I thought I'd mention that incause you didn't know and it caught you off guard. 
Your son will be amazing, please don't box him in a stereo type before you've even met him and began to know him.
As for swaying it absolutely can be effective and it's better than doing nothing but other than that and lowering PH levels for a more acidic environment I don't think there Is any other natural ways. I'd be more inclined to pay for gender selection or not have any more kids at all if its effecting you this badly with one I'd fear that it would be even worse with a 2nd? We can't do GS in Australia otherwise I'd probably do it for our last bub being that I've already had two MC trying to even get pregnant.
Have you checked out the web site gender dreaming that has heaps and heaps of information for doing a good sway with lots of statistics and things as well :)


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## Visje

At least where I grew up, boys had a huge advantage because they were boys. I grew up in the Bible Belt of the US, where it had some very backwards views where it comes to gender roles. I remember getting a hard time because of being strong willed and outspoken, and constantly getting told it's not ladylike. In school, I wasn't taken seriously at all even though in tests I scored in the top 1%, with teachers including female teachers constantly favoring the boys. I constantly heard so many things such as "You're too smart for your own good." People really had no idea how to handle a girl with a brain who wasn't afraid to use it. And there's still a huge pay gap, with women making $0.70 of each $1 a man makes for a similar role.

And last and certainly not least, there was being shunned by most of my family when I opened up about the sexual abuse from my father, even being told that I asked for it. On the other hand, my older brother is clearly my mother's favorite child, even though he spent time in prison for beating his ex-wife and kids. But he was a son, and sons are what everyone there wants. This is exactly what I mean by boys having an advantage just because they're boys, just because of that they can do what they want and use women in whatever way they see fit. And the worst thing a woman can do if she wants to be popular is speak up against this.

That said, Holland has made much more progress than where I grew up, though it's certainly not perfect yet. But at least gender roles for both boys and girls here seem to be healthier, so it certainly helps me be confident about raising either gender. Though it did fuel my desire to have a girl, as girls have much more opportunity here, it's a good culture to facilitate the confidence that I want to give a daughter. If I was still living where I grew up, I think I would have preferred a son just so he wouldn't have to put up with the same crap I grew up with. At least though a son who grows up here is likely to grow up with a much more healthy sense of masculinity. I was just really looking forward to using the cultural differences here to make a better future for a girl.

Thanks for the reminder too that sometimes boys can get stiff. I encountered this while babysitting a boy a little while ago, and it really caught me off guard. But then someone else too said it's normal. It does help a lot that my husband is taking a month off to be with us after the birth, partly so that he can be in the room if I'm bathing, changing, or breastfeeding.

And I did have a thought yesterday that if, say, we have 2 children and our second is a daughter, that could actually help with the reasons I want to have a daughter. First off, let me make clear that I can't stand it when people go on about how great it is to have a boy first girl second so that the boy can protect the girl. If anything, I would want him to be sensitive and nurturing older brother, to fuel her confidence in men when she starts to date. Part of the problem of why so many women get raped is because they're taught to depend on men for protection, and even if her brother is the biggest saint to walk the earth, he can't be with her all of the time. Now on to the good things, our son being around for other pregnancies and births could be a great life experience for him, that then would help him be a better birthing partner when he becomes a dad. And then once our son leaves home, my husband and I can have some good one on one quality time with our daughter when she's a teenager, an age where gender differences are more apparent than the baby stage, and the biggest part I was looking forward to about having a daughter is the adult relationship.

Swaying for any other children will be a lot easier than this one anyway, as I just came off the pill and had no idea when I was ovulating, so we couldn't use timing. After this child arrives, I'm getting an IUD mainly because I didn't like what the pill was doing to my body anyway, so then I'll chart my periods so that we can use timing. That said, do you know if Gender Dreaming or any other sites have success rates comparable than the 81% from the place I've found here in Holland? Right now, I'm inclined to say pay for someone to help us sway for our 2nd, if that doesn't work, we could try Microsort for our 3rd either by flying to Cyprus or while visiting my family in the US, or adopt if we can find an affordable way to to that. If we do get to a 3rd child, I'll probably be 37 or older by that time anyway, so adoption might be preferable for biological reasons.


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## Misscalais

Wow that's crazy, I guess some parts of the world have been a bit slower on catching up with making all genders equal, I think china really needs to step it up with that the way they treat woman makes my blood boil.
I'm truly sorry for what you went through and to think that your family would treat you such a way after going through such an ordeal that truly breaks my heart.
Let me tell u, I think your son is going to be the most kind hearted respectful man having such a strong mum as yourself. I think he's pretty lucky to have parents that will take time to show him what real men are made of. I also hate it when people say big brothers are there to protect the sister. I have a big sister and she was horrible to me growing up I held my own and still do lol I have 3 sisters and a brother. He is one of the most amazing young men I know growing up with all us girls has taught him a life lesson that no other can teach he's going to make a brilliant husband and dad one day but I am worried because he is a very gentle, kind nurturing boy that a girl will take advantage of him ( which has already happened ) I just hope when he gets a serious relationship he won't be a door mat.
Um I do know I've read some statistics on gender dreaming but I only browsed through it quickly but I do know that the ones that did the hard core sway generally got the gender they were swaying for :) I'm glad hubby gets a bit of time to spend with you both, to be honest I didn't bath either of my boys until around 6 weeks by myself hubby did all the bathing each night ( it was only because I was so afraid I was going to drop them ) lol I think though my 1st bub was 10 weeks by the time I bathed him on my own and that was only because he had soiled himself lol! My older sister even bathed him before I did :-/ 
My mum was 36 when she had my youngest sister who is now 16 and very spoilt lol but she keeps my mum on her toes and feeling young :)


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## caleblake

Hey hunny, I'm sorry you didn't hear girl. I'm doing a really hardcore girl sway just now after 2 boys so watch my progress. I don't use in-gender, I use a site called gender dreaming which is amazing. It has a table with all the statistics from real people who have swayed (I will update when I know etc) and there is definately things that you can do to sway girl. I can ubderstand why you would be apprehensive about a boy but I have 2 and they are the most amazing, affectionate, mummies boys ever. Boys rock :)


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## Visje

It's getting a little bit better than it was. Now I joke that it would be great if we could have our son and daughter together as twins. I'm sure he'll be awesome, at least I hope so, but it's really a lot to wrap my head around parenting a gender that hurt me so much throughout my life. The idea of parenting a boy to me is 10 times more intimidating than parenting a girl. And the fear that a desire for a daughter will be a huge distraction from being a good mother to him also gets me a lot.

Those are the main things I struggle with right now.


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## Unexpected212

I remember when they said I was having a boy I was happy for my partner because that's what he wanted. Yet I was trying not to cry.

For me it was about having a girl to do stuff with that I enjoy, the doing the hair and choosing nice outfits, watching Disney movies together and me being able to teach her how to be a strong independent woman and teach her what I have learnt. 

Now I have a son it is the best thing in the world, he is beautiful and intelligent and is my little buddy who will sit with me and follow me around the house because he's so in love with me :)

HOWEVER I still really want a girl and will be trying everything I can to sway. We are thinking of trying in November when he's 13 months old....so I need to start reseaching it now. 

All the research I did pointed to diet swaying being the best way. It makes sense because my diet was ALL boy when I got pregnant. 

I have hope I might have a girl because my husbands brother had a little girl and the males sperm determines the gender...so hopefully my husband has lots of girl sperm too lol. 

I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted. I know how it feels and I'm always here if you need to talk.


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## Visje

I'm actually excited about a son now, but I am finding the fear that I'll never have a daughter to be very distracting, I even cried about it very quickly last night. But at least we're now down to one challenge about this. I think the diet theory makes sense though. I'm vegan, but was also eating a lot of salt, husband is crazy about tomatoes so we were eating a lot of those, I was eating lots of avocados, and our diet was rich in veg protein like lentils, beans, and seitan. So there you go, if any vegans or vegetarians reading this want a son, follow my diet, Italian and Mexican food especially is your friend!

I do have the urge to reeducate myself a bit on swaying and what works for a girl, so I can slowly over the next 2 years retrain my taste buds so that they're more girl friendly, but then still figuring out the right balance between that and being a good mother to our son. I'm looking at it though as building the team, with boys and girls both being important parts, and that's helping.


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## Visje

Update: It's not going well at all, it's now back to where it was the day after I found out. I can't stop crying, and I feel like I don't even deserve to be a mother for feeling like this. I try and bond with our son, I really do, but I don't feel a bond. And it's 5:30 am and I've been up for 2 hours. Besides, isn't part of having a child loving them unconditionally? That's where my parents failed, and clearly I'm on a path to do the same.


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## babyhopes2010

its normal not to have that big bond. you havent even met the lil fella yet :)


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## Visje

I know, but I felt a very strong bond with our (now nonexistant) daughter, my husband even had dreams about her. :-(


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