# Am I being really silly- friends child free wedding.



## Jazzy-NICU

I know that many people have child free weddings for many different reasons and I have no right to judge but I am really miffed! 
My OHs best friend of nearly 20 years is getting married and OH is the best man, he told oh the other day that they weren't having any children at the wedding! Our friends wife to be's sister (who we are also friends with her and her husband) have a little girl of the same age as our son and apparently she won't be their either which to be frank I think is horrible! Either that or they're lying and she will be there.
We're not the only family being invited without their children, they said they just want some time with their friends without their children there, this is fair enough but this isn't an acquaintance, this is a best friend! God father to our child, I just don't get it!
If it were an issue of money I could understand only inviting children to the ceremony and not the reception/sit down meal. 
What's upset the most is the woman's friends little girl is a flower girl, but yet her niece isn't invited, or our son?!?
My initial reaction is that I wouldn't go, which of course I will but I feel so sorry for OH as he's best man and wants our son there.
It's not like they don't like children, she works in a children's library!


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## Lilli

How can they say no kids and then have a flower girl?!

I do understand if people don't want children at their wedding, but if you are going to say no kids, it's only fair for it to be none at all!?

Dont think there is much you can do about it though hun, cant imagine it being about the money as surely you wouldnt have to buy a meal for a one year old?! take a packed lunch! Unless they are tight for numbers and can only have a specific number for fire regulations or something?! but still, one rule for some, another for someone else... not on in my book!


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## janey1975

I agree to have a flower girl but then say no children is very hypocritical. It's like they want the flower girl for the pictures etc but that is it. Seems a little harsh.

However, I do think that children at the ceremony can spoil it. I would have hated a young child/baby crying through my ceremony. I know that won't be popular with some mums but I have a child and a right to my opinion. After all, a wedding is about the couple and not the children. A friend told me that her father's speech could not be heard at her wedding because of a crying 15 month old baby. This was particularly upsetting as her father was giving an emotional speech about how his now son in law had supported his daughter through her cancer. So I hope you can see where I am coming from (although why that mother did not remove the child asap is beyond me!) But the focus should be on the couple's wedding and not the upset child.

However, I think older children should be allowed later on after the speeches. It's lovely to see them on the dance floor enjoying themselves; they make the evening in my opinion.

I do think you will regret it if you don't go or kick up a fuss x


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## ILoveShoes

Personally, I think its their day, so its their choice.
I don't think that they should compromise on what they want on their wedding day, in order to please other people.
Surely, your wedding day is the one day that you're allowed to please yourself?
xx


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## Banshee

I have to say I think that whatever the bride and groom want at their wedding is what goes. I have heard so many horror stories of people's weddings being ruined coz of relatives refusing to attend coz it's not religious or coz they can't sit with x, y or z. The wedding day should be about the couple who are getting married. Yes I'd probably be disappointed if my children couldn't attend a wedding but I don't think it'd be a deal breaker.


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## starangel27

We just got married it was tiny tiny wedding and our son was a nightmare if he wasn't ours he wouldof totally ruined wedding so I can understand not inviting kids


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## Pearls18

I agree that it's their wedding they choose, the fact they aren't having their niece there shows they are not discriminating- is the flower girl much older than your child and the niece? I'm sure they aren't doing it to be be spiteful, let's face it children aren't always great at weddings, it can be a long day and tiring and not everyone wants the stress of hearing children get upset, or hyperactive, or maybe they want the parents to enjoy themselves who knows but it is their big day, I would try not to take it personally, if you are that offended then I guess all you can do is not go yourself?


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## XJessicaX

I completely understand having no children at a wedding. Wedddings are expensive and often children are head counted when it comes to a sit down meal. They can be disruptive and really its completely up to the bride and groom. Its their day, their adult time where they celebrate their joining in marriage! I had no children at my wedding and that was because it was about adult company, excessive drinking and much merriment!


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## lozzy21

Why is it horrible? Its their day and they can do what they want.


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## RedRose

Well I wouldn't be offended to be invited to a child-free wedding- it would be a nice night off for us :haha:

Having said that, when I got married I wanted kids there. The day was about celebrating as a family, not about me.


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## Chatterwockin

I really don't understand this whole concept. can you imaging if I really"banned" anyone over 49 from a function.... its just not the done thing. so I am useless as I would just say sorry we can't come?


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## KittyVentura

I'd not go. Especially after being told they'd like to spend time with friends without the children present. Sorry, but me and my children are a package. No-one will ever be allowed to tell me not to spend time with them and if they are intentionally excluded from something that IS child friendly, then I will also not go.

To clarify, they are welcome to have the wedding they wish... Of course. Just as I am welcome to choose to attend.


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## WW1

Their wedding, their choice IMO. It's totally up to them.


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## LuckyYem

Pesonally I don't understand them having a child free wedding, but having a flower girl. But IMO it's their wedding, their choice. When we got married we had 7 children including dd1 we only invited 26 people (including children). They were all as good as gold, apart from dd1 saying at the top of her voice as I was half way down the aisle "uh oh mummy" which had everyone in stitches and calmed my nerves!


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## pumpkim

Their wedding, their choice IMO

We had a child free wedding and quite a few of our guests (including my brother) had babies or young children. If any of them didn't want to come because their kids weren't invited I would've respected their choice but I wouldn't have changed my mind. As it turned out everyone came and most commented it was nice to have the night off!


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## Gingerspice

Personally I think weddings are about two families joining and it isn't just all about the bride and groom so in that respect in families there are children, so to not aloow part of families their is pretty selfish. That is my opinion though which is why we never specified no children and I had crying babies through the service, and the vows and the meals. So what. They're children. They're still family and loved and what right is it for me to tell them I don't want them there for one day because it won't create the perfect picture or atmosphere. 

Anyway, now i've got my own rant out (sorry) it is still each couples decision as to what and who they do invite. As much as I would personally say, well we're a family unit so its all or none, so I wouldn't go at all and would tell hubs not to either. I appreciate though that isn't for everybody to be so blunt about it. 

In your shoes, its your decision whether to accept their offer or not. I just can't get over people's desire not to have children there - if parents want to attend a wedding hassle free then thats their choice whether to offload their children, but to force it on all guests when those children are nothing to do with your own responsibility is just selfish.

I don't see why others get stressed at somebody elses children. Each child is their parents responsibility and nobody else needs to get works up about it. Most parents are very good and go for a walk with a pushchair to get a nap in, or leave the service for a few minutes if worked up. If the adults (parents) think they will have a hell day taking their children with them, or they'd value some time off then thats their decision to make the call whether it will improve their day by not taking their children. Me being told by somebody else I will have a better time or have more fun without my child is just rude tbh. Some people work all week and to have a nice day out with the children would actually be very much enjoyed, so to get told that your time would be more fun away from those children because somebody has decreed it would be a better day for you is silly. stuff their day because quite frankly I'd rather make the decision whether I want to spend it with my child or not. 

Having said all that, if it was a close friend who told me it was purely a financial reason then I'd accomodate their request to limit numbers, but thats a generic 'we're limiting numbers' not a 'children will ruin it so are banned as standard'


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## lozzy21

Chatterwockin said:


> I really don't understand this whole concept. can you imaging if I really"banned" anyone over 49 from a function.... its just not the done thing. so I am useless as I would just say sorry we can't come?

But whats the chances of some one ages 50 running around the church, screaming during the speech's and knocking the table decorations over?

Not every one makes sure their children are behaving and are not making a nuisance.


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## Chatterwockin

lozzy21 said:


> Chatterwockin said:
> 
> 
> I really don't understand this whole concept. can you imaging if I really"banned" anyone over 49 from a function.... its just not the done thing. so I am useless as I would just say sorry we can't come?
> 
> But whats the chances of some one ages 50 running around the church, screaming during the speech's and knocking the table decorations over?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not every one makes sure their children are behaving and are not making a nuisance.Click to expand...

trust me my nan is more likly to kick off than my children are..... she would stop about the food... dig that tge bride was fat.... mention to every balding man how balding he is.... list is endless.


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## Gingerspice

no but perhaps the elderly might have certain control issues, they might get in the way when crawling at 0.2mph while pushing a zimmaframe. 

Also there's various disabilities which cause people to be very vocal and yell out when others would reserve themselves. there's loads of people in our church who have various disabilities in our church and to have said to them 'sorry you don't conform to the ideal perception, you might yell out during the vows or embarrass other guests so no disabilities thank you.' Its the same. there's no knowing how other peoples children will behave, leave that decision to each parents to discern if their child is capable of handling that situation and if not then most parents would recognise that and arrange appropriate care at their own decision to exclude their own child - not somebody telling them that their child will be a nuisance and is of so little value to that couple so they happily brush them aside and exclude them from the day.


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## Tiff

Well I guess I am selfish and hypocritical then. :wacko:

We had our daughter and my friends daughter as flower girls and those were the only kids at our wedding. 

Our wedding, our choice. Just as if it offends anyone then it is your choice not to go. Pretty easy really. :shrug:

If anything I think that weddings are incredibly expensive. To sit there and judge other people when you are not the one footing the bill is kinda rude.


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## Chatterwockin

I am not judging I just stated I don't understand it! if you are happy with your choice don't be tetchy about it! for me the concept is alien for your was right!


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## Courtney917

For my first wedding we had a childfree wedding, none in ceremony etc. However, for my second marriage we had children at both. Two of which are our own children. To be honest having kids there was a blast!!!! The ceremony was perfect. Our one year old slept the entire time and our 5 year old was adorable as the ring bearer. I can understand you bring offended by children not being allowrd since they are having a flower girl. However in the end its there day and sometimes as difficult as it may be we need to grin and bear it even if its upsurd!


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## Gingerspice

lozzy21 said:


> Not every one makes sure their children are behaving and are not making a nuisance.

well thats a different issue - as a family or friend of the person who isn't being responsible parents for their children; you are capable of raising your concern direct with them. lets face it, not many invite non friend or non family to the wedding, so they must be fairly close to you. the chances are if you asked that parent then they recognise their child doesn't cope well in that environment so would be happy to arrange other care, but then still allows other families to spend time together having decided their children are able to behave. I would take no offense at somebody telling me my child was too active so perhaps consider carefully me choosing to take her (in fact it happened recently to visit a newborn) She is very active and demanding but I'd hate to think that they then made a blanket ban to all other children just to not have to ask me politely to consider holding off my child meeting the newborn. 
It might be non confrontational to ban all children in your group based on a select few, but it will forever be a problem at family events/parties etc if nobody ever tells these people that their children are the reason that none are evr invited rather than offering to help them, or ensure games and children bags are provided etc.


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## fannyadams

I don't see how it's selfish. I had no children other than close family.
For one I couldn't afford all the adults I wanted if I included their children. Secondly I didn't want 40 under 5's at the wedding. It would have been like a crèche.
Luckily my friends all understood. If any of them had had a massive problem with it we could have talked.


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## Pearls18

For the people that enjoy having children at wedding that's fine, but just because you think that doesn't mean everyone else does especially if the bride and groom don't have children themselves. Weddings can cost thousands and if they have chosen not to have children that is their choice, they haven't done it to be rude, selfish or offensive, I imagine in lot of cases it wasn't an easy decision and they are worried to tell family and friends, but I imagine they are thinking people will understand as it is their day? If people are offended, don't go simple as.


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## Jazzy-NICU

The flower girl is younger than my son and their niece. I can understand not wanting lots of children there and in all fairness most of our friends do have children but like I said in my original post my oh has been best friends since they were children, the same sort of relationship that the woman has with her bridesmaid who's daughter is flower girl yet our son isn't even invited?! 
We have been to a few weddings with LO and he has always been so well behaved, I have taken his PJs and he has gone to sleep in the corner in the evening, he's that good! But if he wasn't I would of course take him outside/home whatever was appropriate. 
I will of course go but however stupid it seems it had upset me. It's one rule for her family and friends and another for his but we have always treated them exactly the same!


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## Mummy2B21

I would just respect there wishes on Their big day, I'm sure they have there reasons and have discussed it between them and its what they want I wouldn't cause a big fuss over it.


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## ellismum

Mummy2B21 said:


> I would just respect there wishes on Their big day, I'm sure they have there reasons and have discussed it between them and its what they want I wouldn't cause a big fuss over it.

Completely agree. If any of my friends chose to have a child free wedding I would respect their wishes and our friendship and arrange a babysitter and still attend (and have a bloody good night off lol!)

A very close friend of mind got Married last year and Els was a complete nightmare. It was a long hot day and he was bored and we were all missing out in sharing it. Luckily MIL was having him overnight anyway so she picked him up early and it was soooo nice to be able to enjoy ourselves.


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## suzib76

I think itis fair enough, after all it is their day. The wedding is for them and about them, on one else

I don't think having a child in the wedding party means that they are being hypocrites by not inviting every other child either


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## Jazzy-NICU

I understand they but our child isn't 'every' child he's their godson and the best mans son? I thought that would be slightly different, the same as the flower girl


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## fantastica

I think i'd be a bit upset if my best friend didn't invite my child to their wedding, especially if we'd grown up together (or OH and his)...unless they specified it was for financial reasons or whatever, maybe we wouldn't take him anyway and the break would be great, but if it was someone really close...no matter how reasonable and logical it may be, i'd still be upset.


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## suzib76

But your child can't be the flower girl?


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## Jazzy-NICU

Well of course he can't but that doesn't mean he can't be involved and should be excluded from the whole day! He's young enough to not understand but I do and it's not fair to have one friends child and not another


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## special_kala

Thing is when you start making exceptions it opens "well shes your niece/shes your cousins baby" etc

The flower girl is part of the wedding party. how old is she?


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## Tiff

Chatterwockin said:


> I am not judging I just stated I don't understand it! if you are happy with your choice don't be tetchy about it! for me the concept is alien for your was right!

People throwing around words like hypocritical and selfish, and I'm not to be "tetchy"? :haha:

Just as you are free to share your views on it, so am I. :flower:


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## Pearls18

What would have been nice really to include him without the slippery slope of inviting all children is if he could be a page boy, I think that is what I would have done in that situation not that I know it thoroughly.


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## lozzy21

If they make exceptions for one child where does it stop? 2nd cousin Mildred because you once changed her sons nappy?


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## beachgal

Unfortunately I'm on the side of - their wedding, their choice. Enjoy the "adult" night out celebrating their special day.


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## Jazzy-NICU

I like to think that any other people with children who weren't invited would understand that our son is the son of the grooms best friend/ best man, not someone he works with/ went to school with etc, if it was any other wedding than that of a best friend I wouldn't have been bothered at all.


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## Tiff

special_kala said:


> Thing is when you start making exceptions it opens "well shes your niece/shes your cousins baby" etc
> 
> The flower girl is part of the wedding party. how old is she?

This. :flower:

You make exceptions for one, regardless of the why there will always be someone else upset because they didn't get the same either. 

Honestly I'm sure they mean no disrespect to your son. I can only speak for ourselves, but I can assure you our decision was never "ha ha ha!" Etc.

My biggest peeve was how entitled everyone got about our wedding. We had to put our feet down somewhere, at times I think people get so caught up with other things they forget that the day is about the bride and groom. :flower:


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## pinklizzy

I don't really understand not having children at a wedding either but it's their choice I suppose. I'd probably just not go. x


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## lozzy21

I wouldn't. I have no problems with wedding where children are not invited but if i would be pissed if i had arranged a sitter for the day to turn up and find other children there who were not the couples and not part of the wedding party.


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## tommyg

I'm a selfish hypocrite!

DH and I have similar sized families and similar numbers of friends. We split our numbers to max 60 each, I invited my cousins kids, he ended up being forced to inviting 10 of his parents friends some of whom i'm never met before or since.

We simply couldn't invite all our friends kids which also becomes aquard with step families, and 18 y.os. do you invite partners?

Bottom line its their day and its up to them where they draw the line - which has to be drawn somewhere - money and space are never limitless.


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## Chatterwockin

do you get on with the bride to be??


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## supertabby

It's up to the bride and groom, their wedding their choice. Though I can see why you'd feel put out that they've got a flowergirl but a no kids rule for everyone else including best man's lo/godchild.

Personally I love kids at weddings, for us our wedding was about our vows and our loved ones - young and old. We only knew 4 children at the time though so wasn't loads, one of them held the candle. They didn't cry but I wouldn't have cared if they did, the parents all chose themselves to sit near the back so as to make a quick exit if they got noisy.

We were at a wedding last year, they had a "family kids only" rule and didn't invite friends children. This was fair enough as in their case if they had included kids with all invites they would've had nearly 50 kids (it was a big wedding lol). Our daughter was invited as we're family, plus oh was best man and groom is our daughters godfather. As it happened I missed half the wedding anyway as took Isobel up to bed in the hotel room and rest of time she was playing up.

I'm desperate for a friend to get married instead of all these family weddings, so I can get a babysitter and fully enjoy a wedding again lol!


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## Jazzy-NICU

Yes completely, we often do things as couples but OH and his friend do sports etc together so I don't spend as much time with her as they do.


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## Chatterwockin

I would just check with her yourself..... you know what men are like.... getting the wrong end of the stick...


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## Loui1001

It wouldn't bother me at all. It's a huge stress and expense to plan a wedding and IMO they should have the day they want. 

Their day, their party


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## Chatterwockin

I would make sure last thing you want is her saying to you on her big day where is my godson?


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## x Michelle x

Their wedding, their rules :)
When we get married we'll have our children there for the day time and the meal then off to stay with one of our parents (both sets have offered lol).
Then evening can be a bunch of grown ups getting drunk, dancing, (and for me) not worrying about children and just having a brill night.


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## Pearls18

Chatterwockin said:


> I would just check with her yourself..... you know what men are like.... getting the wrong end of the stick...

This is very true lol!


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## Lauki

It's their day! It's stressful enough organizing your wedding day, I wouldn't want to stress them anymore with being upset.

I would go as their friends and try and find someone to look after my baby. She wouldn't know any better (she's only a toddler!) and I wouldn't dream of not respecting the couple's wishes for THEIR special day.


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## Leesy

I'm planning my wedding atm. We are having my LO as page boy, 3 nieces as flower girls and maid of honour's 9 year old (my god daughter) as junior bridesmaid and they will all be in the photos. None of them will be attending the reception though... My own baby and niece's will all be baby sat in hotel rooms at the venue. I have no problem if any of them make noise or what not through out the ceremony as at the end of the day they are children and they don't understand!


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## Vesta

Weddings are such a pain to arrange. You can't please everybody. It's their day. It's up to them who they invite. Maybe they don't want the ceremony interupted, or are trying to keep costs down. Maybe they just don't like children! But whatever there reason, it's their decision to make. 

I remember when my auntie had an adults only (no under 18s) party for her 40th. Oh the uproar! She invited me because I was 17 and as far as she was concerned it was "close enough". But some people threw a right strop! "Oh if Vesta's coming you can invite X. He's only a year younger" and then "Oh but if you invite X then you should invite Y. She's only a year younger then X..."

I just don't think it's right to complain what someone else chooses to do for their wedding.


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## lhancock90

ILoveShoes said:


> Personally, I think its their day, so its their choice.
> I don't think that they should compromise on what they want on their wedding day, in order to please other people.
> Surely, your wedding day is the one day that you're allowed to please yourself?
> xx

Agreed. 
Yes i'm a Mum, my kids are the center of my world but i don't expect to be everyone elses.
I can totally see the logic behind a kid free wedding.


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## Laura_90

I wouldn't say you're being silly, I'd be upset if my bestfriend told me my son couldn't go to her wedding. 
In my opinion children make a wedding, they're the first ones on the dance floor.


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## GypsyDancer

KittyVentura said:


> I'd not go. Especially after being told they'd like to spend time with friends without the children present. Sorry, but me and my children are a package. No-one will ever be allowed to tell me not to spend time with them and if they are intentionally excluded from something that IS child friendly, then I will also not go.
> 
> To clarify, they are welcome to have the wedding they wish... Of course. Just as I am welcome to choose to attend.


I agree with this.
I have to say i just cant personally get my head around it when people dont want children there..just my feelings thats all..
Weve had a smiliar problem in ohs family..
His cousin is getting married..she has a little boy..younger than my toddler..and oh is a professional camera man..she askrd him to do her photos and hr was going to do them very cheaply but very professionally for them..
Then..a few weeks ago we were told no children..so..hes not doing her photos now and none of us are attending..im not iverly bothered about going anyway but as oh said if hea going he goes as a family..
I know some people say its money..we woyld quite happily pay for our boys..
Her little boy will be the only child there apparantly..

As it stands oh and i are engaged and we will definately be having children at our wedding as i couldnt even imagine just having our boys but no other children? Its a family event..

Having said that..i respect their wishes..we just wont be going!


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## Kte

I had to miss out on my own cousin's wedding because they chose no kids because there would have been too many there and she felt that if she said yes to one (family) it would be yes to all (friends). It must of been hard for her too really as then people couldn't go, like us, and I grew up with her, she's only 1 year older than me. It was upsetting at the time but now i'm over it and it was her day and choice at the end of the day.


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## tommyg

Kte said:


> I had to miss out on my own cousin's wedding because they chose no kids because there would have been too many there and she felt that if she said yes to one (family) it would be yes to all (friends). It must of been hard for her too really as then people couldn't go, like us, and I grew up with her, she's only 1 year older than me. It was upsetting at the time but now i'm over it and it was her day and choice at the end of the day.

Fair play to your cousin. I said yes to cousins but no to friends. And DH said no to everybody on his side. He never really grew up with his cousin but ended up with 10 of his parents friends.
I felt I wanted all of my cousin who I grew up with their and one is single but sees his son at weekends and i'd rather he brought his son than some random +1. It is just so so hard trying to draw the line but it must be drawn somewhere.


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## Rachel89

Jazzy-NICU said:


> I understand they but our child isn't 'every' child he's their godson and the best mans son? I thought that would be slightly different, the same as the flower girl


Please don'tbget mad at me. I think they or the bride just really wants flower girls and thinks its a lovely part of her wedding/service. 

She is probably only allowing them (for the sole purpose of being a part of her ceremony) as they are a part of the "service" and your son and other children do not serve that purpose during her wedding ceremony.

Therefore she isn't inviting him or any other child, because that would be unfair towards the others. I don't know what they think but I can imagine it being something along these lines, she probably doesn't mean it in a a bad way. 


IMO it would have been different if you guys had a daughter similar in age and they wouldn't have let her be a flower girl as well....then I might be upset.

I'mmjust trying to rationalize their decision <3


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## robinator

A friend's young son was the ringbearer at his aunt/uncle's wedding. However, after his duty was fulfilled, she had to take him out of the ceremony; he wasn't invited. Get some of that.


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## tokyo_c

robinator said:


> A friend's young son was the ringbearer at his aunt/uncle's wedding. However, after his duty was fulfilled, she had to take him out of the ceremony; he wasn't invited. Get some of that.

Wow, so she just had to leave with him, or have someone waiting outside to take him away? I would have refused if someone wanted to use my daughter like that!


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## Cat lady

I dont think your being silly. Personally I'd be quite offended if my childrens godparents didnt want my children at their wedding. I chose my childrens godparents very carefully, people to love and help guide my children through their life. If they didnt want them present on their special day, I would feel like I had made the wrong decision about godparents. (Sorry if that offends anybody, its just my opinion :flower: )

I had to limit kids at my wedding due to space, but I spoke to people (Family and friends) first to see if I had any volunteers to leave their kids at home. I had some people who put their hands up straight away - looking forward to a childcare free day, but some would struggle with childcare etc. 

We were invited to a wedding in Oz, which we really wanted to go to, but then we found out our ds wouldnt be allowed to go, we would have been expected to leave him with strangers (They had reccommended a babysitting service). We didnt go. 
xxx


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## tommyg

robinator said:


> A friend's young son was the ringbearer at his aunt/uncle's wedding. However, after his duty was fulfilled, she had to take him out of the ceremony; he wasn't invited. Get some of that.

I think I would have said Eh no. TBH I think not inviting your own neices and nephews to your wedding is a bit harsh. At the end of the day a wedding is about 2 people moving forward and usually they'll be hoping for a family of their own = little cousins for your neices and nephews.


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## Mummy May

I think they are well within their rights as its their day. Like someone else has already mentioned, its stressful enough planning a wedding without people getting upset over things. If its that big a deal to you, then just don't attend the wedding. I'm sure they haven't done it to be spiteful, its just the way they want it. xx


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## robinator

She had to leave with him; there was no childcare available. They were that adamant about no kids, I guess.


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## Helabela

we had a smiliar situation with my step sister. they were not allowing children during the day at their wedding, so i said we wont be going then! We went to the evening reception, as they were happy to have children there. Not quite same situation, as none of us where involved in the wedding, but i just dont think id be happy going if i couldnt take my little girl. What annoyed me most was there was a paige boy who was a baby, and two toddlers who were bridesmaids, obviously they were there in the day!


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## leash27

I honestly don't see a problem with it at all. DH and I spent 2 years planning and saving for our wedding so there is no way I would have let anyone pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do. Its pretty common these days for a bride and groom not to invite children to their wedding for many of the reasons people have already mentioned. Our venue only held 70 people during the day and 110 in the evening so we had to be pretty strict with numbers and children counted as a full person despite them not eating as much or drinking etc. In the end, we invited the children of immediate family only (so nieces and nephews). Most of our friends who have children were happy to get a sitter and have an adult night out so I don't think we upset anyone - well not that I know of anyways.

I think its important to consider that the wedding is about your OH's best friend and his bride. Thats how I would see it if it were me and I have a LO too.

x


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## rosie272

I think having a child free wedding is the couple's perogative really :shrug: I think once you have kids it's difficult to understand any reasoning as to why people wouldn't want kids at their wedding - but that said, I went to a child free wedding last year and it was bliss! I wasn't offended in the slightest that Charlie wasn't invited.


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## kit10grl

Their wedding their choice in my opinion. We debated doing a no kids wedding but as we were having some parents (my sisters) staying overnight it would be unreasonable to expect them to be away fromthe kdis overnight so we let them come. But otherwise i would have had no kids.

You have said that the couples other friends and family would be understanding if your LO was allowed to go to the wedding as your oh is so close to them BUT your not being very understanding that the other child involved is so close to them that shes involved and thats all they want. You arent willing to give their choice the understanding you want from the rest of their guests for your own child.

And the solution of well they could just include him as a pageboy/ringbearer etc then becomes about someone else telling them what to have at their wedding. If they dont want one why should they be obliged to have one to let your LO attend? If they dont want one thats their choice. Also that would cost them money for outfits etc too.

I'm not trying to be nasty but yeh the choice here really should be wether you want to attend not wether you should try to pressure or guilt them into changing their minds.


----------



## Tiff

kit10grl said:


> You have said that the couples other friends and family would be understanding if your LO was allowed to go to the wedding as your oh is so close to them BUT your not being very understanding that the other child involved is so close to them that shes involved and thats all they want. You arent willing to give their choice the understanding you want from the rest of their guests for your own child.

That's pretty much exactly how I felt about it. I'm actually shocked at all the replies from people on here who feel that their kids are entitled to something for another person's wedding. 

I guess I legitimately do not understand it. I've had friends who have said my daughter is welcome to their wedding, I've had friends tell me that they prefer that children do not attend. Either way, no skin off my back as its THEIR choice.

I'm speechless at the amount of "me me me" going on, I get that people's children are their world. So is mine! I love her, adore her and absolutely get giddy at the thought of showing her off to other people. But I'm realistic to understand that not everyone feels about her the way I do. Its not a slight against anyone's child. :shrug:


----------



## Pixelle

This is what I absolutely hate about weddings/parties/family events. As soon as a wedding etc is mentioned, people feel they have a right to make decisions about *someone else's* wedding...its just crazy.

I love my son to bits, he is my world, we are a package. But if my son wasn't invited to a wedding, so what? It doesn't mean he's any less loved by anyone. It doesn't mean he's not wanted. It just means he can't go to a wedding that he'd probably be bored at anyway!

We do plenty of family things together. I have no guilt about me and my oh going out once in a blue moon without our son...sure, I miss him but its good for all of us to have a break every now and then.

Weddings. They bring out the very worst in some people.


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## robinator

We were married in a small, family-only ceremony and then had a child-free reception. We did have childcare available, but we just wanted adults only at _our_ reception.

For us it was a matter of not having the money to rent the extra chairs and tables we would have needed and childcare was a LOT cheaper. Never know the reasons behind why someone makes this choice. But I can assure you, it's not because they're trying to be self-righteous jerks!


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## Kel127

I agree with the people who said their wedding their choice. Its their day to make it exactly how they want it, and if that means no kids then you need to respect that or not go.
My brother got married just after my son's first birthday. He got dressed up in his cute little suit and made for handsome little ringbearer, but as soon as his duties were done I had a friend waiting to take him for the rest of the evening, as he wasn't invited. I wasn't upset at all, that what my SIL wanted so I respected her wishes. Plus I got have a nice child free night to just dance and have fun with my family.


----------



## Lauki

To be honest. My sister is getting married in August (we also have to travel to the Netherlands as that's where my family is from) and I'm already dreading having to entertain Sophie, have a newborn to nurse and be maid of honor.

So stressful and it's not even my wedding! I'd probably be thankful if someone of my family to take Sophie out for an hour or two during the reception!


----------



## dani_tinks

We had a childfree wedding, well our son was there as page boy but we didn't invite anyone elses kids. So what? It was our day and that's the way we wanted it. If people didn't like it they could decline the invite for all we cared, our day, our choice.
I wouldn't mind if I was invited to a wedding that was child free, enough stress goes into planning them without people kicking off !


----------



## lindseymw

I really don't get the attitude of some people, I really don't. 

If I was invited to a child free wedding, I wouldn't think anything of it. I would try & get babysitters & attend or politely decline if I couldn't. I have been invited to many weddings, all of which children have been invited purely because the Bride & Groom have had children. We have the kids during the day & get a sitter on the night, then enjoy a child free night!

At the end of the day, a wedding is the joining of two people. It has nothing to do with anyone else how THEY want THEIR day. People should be grateful for an invite IMO.

There was hell on with our wedding because we said no to Aunties & Uncles (DH's mam was one of 20, so there would have 40ish Aunties & Uncles). A lot of them complained, but quite frankly I wasn't prepared to pay for an extra 40 people at £30+ per head whom most I had never met.


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## Lauren25

It's their wedding, their day, their rules!
Me personally we get married in June and I couldn't even think of not having children there, I also couldn't personally have our children there but say no other children!

I've only ever been invited to weddings where children are invited but still we usually get someone to come pick LO up after the meal so we can enjoy our time together not having to worry about him!

You say about him being his godson but at the end of the day their friends, so if your LO should be invited shouldn't families children, surely their 'higher' on the list!


----------



## Palestrina

Jazzy-NICU said:


> I understand they but our child isn't 'every' child he's their godson and the best mans son? I thought that would be slightly different, the same as the flower girl

I was reading all the posts up till this one and just had to make a quick comment. It seems like you are taking this personally that your son's importance is being diminished as their god son and seems to be less important than the flower girl. Try not to get overly bent out of shape about what role you child plays in another person's life or event. And try to remember that this couple is getting married to each other and want to have an event that centers around what they want. They did not invent a relationship, courtship, and plan a wedding just so that they could exclude your son from it. You need not be offended on your son's behalf. Try to enjoy the evening, be there for your friends in the way they've asked you to participate and try not to read too much into the philosophy that went into one day. This event is a few hours out of your lives, not worth having a fall out.


----------



## Palestrina

Laura_90 said:


> I wouldn't say you're being silly, I'd be upset if my bestfriend told me my son couldn't go to her wedding.
> In my opinion children make a wedding, they're the first ones on the dance floor.

I guess it's all a matter of preference. I simply hate kids on the dance floor, sorry! It's cute for like a moment, but then it's just annoying. I've got my drinkypoo and it's time for me to get my groove on good and proper.


----------



## Palestrina

GypsyDancer said:


> KittyVentura said:
> 
> 
> I'd not go. Especially after being told they'd like to spend time with friends without the children present. Sorry, but me and my children are a package. *No-one will ever be allowed to tell me not to spend time with them and if they are intentionally excluded from something that IS child friendly, then I will also not go.*
> 
> To clarify, they are welcome to have the wedding they wish... Of course. Just as I am welcome to choose to attend.
> 
> 
> I agree with this.
> I have to say i just cant personally get my head around it when people dont want children there..just my feelings thats all..
> Weve had a smiliar problem in ohs family..
> His cousin is getting married..she has a little boy..younger than my toddler..and oh is a professional camera man..she askrd him to do her photos and hr was going to do them very cheaply but very professionally for them..
> Then..a few weeks ago we were told no children..so..hes not doing her photos now and none of us are attending..im not iverly bothered about going anyway but as oh said if hea going he goes as a family..
> I know some people say its money..we woyld quite happily pay for our boys..
> Her little boy will be the only child there apparantly..
> 
> As it stands oh and i are engaged and we will definately be having children at our wedding as i couldnt even imagine just having our boys but no other children? Its a family event..
> 
> Having said that..i respect their wishes..we just wont be going!Click to expand...

Yikes. Friendships lost over a party. Who's to say that weddings are child friendly events? To people who want children at their weddings they are child friend events. For people who do not want children at their weddings they are not child friendly events. Who ever is throwing the party gets to say who's invited. Honestly, I don't think anyone wants to separate you and your children or wants to dictate whether you spend time with them or not. For goodness sake, stay home and spend time with your children and forget about the horrible people who want to throw a party in their own honor. How dare they! lol

Geez you'd think that people who are planning a wedding are sending out invitations that say "You are invited to our wedding but keep your stinking grovely off spring away from us!" lol


----------



## robinator

Palestrina said:


> *I've got my drinkypoo* and it's time for me to get my groove on good and proper.

:haha:


----------



## suzib76

Palestrina said:


> Laura_90 said:
> 
> 
> I wouldn't say you're being silly, I'd be upset if my bestfriend told me my son couldn't go to her wedding.
> In my opinion children make a wedding, they're the first ones on the dance floor.
> 
> I guess it's all a matter of preference. I simply hate kids on the dance floor, sorry! It's cute for like a moment, but then it's just annoying. I've got my drinkypoo and it's time for me to get my groove on good and proper.Click to expand...

I have to agree with this, I was at a wedding reception a few years ago, a lot of the guests were staying in the hotel as it was a remote location, ourselves included and there were kids ranging from 18 months ish right up to teenagers running about all over the place, you couldn't getup and Dance properly
for fear of a 3 year old tearing past and you colliding with them. A lot of these kids had been up to bed and ended up back downstairs, half my pictures taken that evening have kids in their pyjamas on them. I have a fab pic of bride and groom but just to the side of them is a 5 year old in Spider-Man pyjamas. For me, I would not want that 

I love a night out, I didn't take my kids to that wedding. They were welcome, but personally I like to have some adult time too, and when everyone is drinking and smoking at that time was allowed inside too, well that isnt an environment i would choose to putnmy kids in. It was actually the only time my mum babysat overnight, and it was almost 10 years ago.


----------



## Jazzy-NICU

Lots of people are saying if it bothers me don't go but my OH is the best man so how on earth can I do that! It does bother me, not that its a child free wedding but that they're saying it is but inviting a a child, but not my child.
To be honest given the option I would have taken him to the ceremony and an hour or two of the reception and then arranged for him to stay at his nannies etc.
But I have no option. Yes it's their wedding and they'll have the day that they want but it will effect our friendship and I will mention it after the wedding!


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## Lina

So, it would make you feel better that they had no flower girl? so, she should have a flower woman instead in order to keep you and others sweet? It is pretty childish and selfish of you to let a friendship be affected over that.


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## Lauki

suzib76 said:


> Palestrina said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laura_90 said:
> 
> 
> I wouldn't say you're being silly, I'd be upset if my bestfriend told me my son couldn't go to her wedding.
> In my opinion children make a wedding, they're the first ones on the dance floor.
> 
> I guess it's all a matter of preference. I simply hate kids on the dance floor, sorry! It's cute for like a moment, but then it's just annoying. I've got my drinkypoo and it's time for me to get my groove on good and proper.Click to expand...
> 
> I have to agree with this, I was at a wedding reception a few years ago, a lot of the guests were staying in the hotel as it was a remote location, ourselves included and there were kids ranging from 18 months ish right up to teenagers running about all over the place, you couldn't getup and Dance properly
> for fear of a 3 year old tearing past and you colliding with them. A lot of these kids had been up to bed and ended up back downstairs, half my pictures taken that evening have kids in their pyjamas on them. I have a fab pic of bride and groom but just to the side of them is a 5 year old in Spider-Man pyjamas. For me, I would not want that
> 
> I love a night out, I didn't take my kids to that wedding. They were welcome, but personally I like to have some adult time too, and when everyone is drinking and smoking at that time was allowed inside too, well that isnt an environment i would choose to putnmy kids in. It was actually the only time my mum babysat overnight, and it was almost 10 years ago.Click to expand...

Glad I'm not the only one who would prefer not to have my kids at a wedding (this isn't as mean as it sounds), until they are old enough to actually appreciate it and understand what's going on. I've never been to a wedding that's actually suitable for children. I can only see them get bored, which would then result in them disturbing the ceremony/party/reception.


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## Mummy May

I also think its pretty selfish of you. If it is that big of a deal to you, you can explain why you won't be attending. You have to also think of your husband whose friendship with his best friend you could potentially ruin because you're offended about something you don't really have any right being offended about xx


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## dani_tinks

Wow! If someone said our friendship would be effected because I failed to invite their children to my wedding i'd be questioning our friendship anyway. Infact, i'd probably tell them to grow up and that i'd rather have supportive friends than selfish ones anyhow.


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## RebeccaG

We have also been invited to a wedding end of march with a no children rule. I'm due end of February so would be pretty impractical for us to go as its 4 hours away. So would have to stay in a hotel and who would look after new baby and toddler etc?! We've declined anyway. 
I think all weddings are different. For me marriage is all about joining together and becoming a family so children (for me) are a part of that. We had children at our wedding not many as there wasn't many young children amongst our friends then but it was lovely seeing them playing outside with the bubbles. Also it depends on the location and set up of your wedding as some venues just might not be suitable. 
Try not to take it personally though hun xxxx


----------



## suzib76

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Lots of people are saying if it bothers me don't go but my OH is the best man so how on earth can I do that! It does bother me, not that its a child free wedding but that they're saying it is but inviting a a child, but not my child.
> To be honest given the option I would have taken him to the ceremony and an hour or two of the reception and then arranged for him to stay at his nannies etc.
> But I have no option. *Yes it's their wedding and they'll have the day that they want but it will effect our friendship and I will mention it after the wedding!*

I think it is awful that you are saying this. It will only affect your friendship because you are choosing to make it affect it. You could take the more mature opinion that it is their wedding and just be happy for them? I can't help but see your posts as being very childish and me me me, it isn't about you, it's about them.
And as for telling them after the wedding, what a horrible cowardly way to attempt to mar the memories of their special day. 

I think from their point of view I would see no problem losing a freind like that.


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## AP

Honestly if someone was that way to me after the wedding they could consider themself an ex-friend. :( I remember getting to my hotel after our secret wedding (people were beginning to find out) and and odd one or two people seemed to have a real go at me for not telling them
I had my wedding the way I wanted it. It wasnt them paying for it. It was me, I decide what happens. 
And I was pretty upset to read that and I have some resent for them now for not just being happy for me.

Please just accept this is what your friend has chosen and be there for here, whether it be in support or physically.


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## fannyadams

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Yes it's their wedding and they'll have the day that they want but it will effect our friendship and I will mention it after the wedding!

I think that is awful. It's horrible of you. Either go or don't.
It's their wedding. Life isn't all about you and your child. Your attitude is appalling.


----------



## Lauren25

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Lots of people are saying if it bothers me don't go but my OH is the best man so how on earth can I do that! It does bother me, not that its a child free wedding but that they're saying it is but inviting a a child, but not my child.
> To be honest given the option I would have taken him to the ceremony and an hour or two of the reception and then arranged for him to stay at his nannies etc.
> But I have no option. Yes it's their wedding and they'll have the day that they want but it will effect our friendship and I will mention it after the wedding!

Wow!!
Thing is if you have that much of a problem with it that it would effect your friendship why would you even be attending their wedding, whats the point in waiting til after!!!

How does your OH feel about this btw seen as though its his best friend and hes the best man ?


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## Jazzy-NICU

My other half is even more upset as it than me, he has been best friends with this man for 20 years. His fiancées friends child is invited but ours is not which he doesn't understand. I'm not planning to be horrible!! But why would I not mention that we found it strange without our child there when other people's were???


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## Tiff

To be fair, its more her OH's best friend... so I'm sure that it isn't the same level of friendship to her that it is to him.

My biggest worry would be if you did in fact tell them about how you felt after the wedding how they'd react and if it would affect your hubby's friendship with them. :nope: To be completely honest if someone came up to me after my wedding where I just shelled out thousands of dollars to have a celebration and tell me how shitty I was for not inviting their kid I'd be honestly and truly hurt! :( 

We didn't have ringbearers (page boys across the pond I think) at our wedding. I could have, my nephew was old enough but we didn't want to have them. It was just our preference, I'd be livid if my SIL came up to me and questioned my decision to not have her kiddo in our wedding party. I know its not your SIL, but trying to relate to the type of friendship/closeness as you would feel as they are your son's godparents. 

I actually just sat here at my desk in the midst of typing and trying to feel how I'd feel if someone actually said that to me. I know you don't feel that you can't go, but if it affects you this much then I'd be more inclined to think that's far better than being crappy about it after the fact.

Although if they asked why you weren't going I'd be honest about it. They MAY change their minds and have your kiddo as a part of it, hard to say. :shrug:


----------



## Tiff

Jazzy-NICU said:


> My other half is even more upset as it than me, he has been best friends with this man for 20 years. His fiancées friends child is invited but ours is not which he doesn't understand. I'm not planning to be horrible!! But why would I not mention that we found it strange without our child there when other people's were???

Other people's? Who else aside from their flower girls is invited? :flower:

I also don't think you are going to be horrible, but let's be honest: There's no possible nice way to broach this subject. :shrug:


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## Jazzy-NICU

And I'm questioning a friendship which to them doesn't include our child, we come as a package sorry.


----------



## Tiff

Then I think you both already have your answer then. :shrug:


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## Jazzy-NICU

Other people as in her friends child. Your right it is different as its not one of my best friends, they just wouldn't do it! They are all very family orientated which I thought this couple was but obviously not, plus it wouldn't be me mentioning it its my other half, it's his best friend after all


----------



## Cat lady

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Other people as in her friends child. Your right it is different as its not one of my best friends, they just wouldn't do it! They are all very family orientated which I thought this couple was but obviously not, plus it wouldn't be me mentioning it its my other half, it's his best friend after all

I dont think he has been purposely left out, its just its usually the bride that organises these things, and perhaps your lo has been left out accidently. If your oh is closer to the groom rather than you are to the bride, then maybe he just hasnt been thought about.

I still think being a godchild does make a difference, you choose your friends, not your family. You choose your childrens godparents based on the strength of your friendship.

I personally dont think you are being selfish but understandly upset that your child hasnt been included in heir special day. As you have included them in your childs life.
xxx


----------



## lozzy21

I dont get this at all, what are you actually annoyed about? Your LO not being invited or not having a part in the wedding?

Me, Niamh and Andrew come as a package, however i dont take her on nights out or to the cinema or to work. You can still be a package and not have to spend 24/7 with them. I love having kids at weddings, there will be 20 at mine :dohh: However there are some weddings where is not appropriate to have children. If its a disco in a social club then fine but if its a cocktail reception at a posh hotel then there is no way i would want children there, mine included. If you knew you had relatives that get too drunk and act like total dicks then why would you invite children?


----------



## tommyg

RebeccaG said:


> We have also been invited to a wedding end of march with a no children rule. I'm due end of February so would be pretty impractical for us to go as its 4 hours away. So would have to stay in a hotel and who would look after new baby and toddler etc?! We've declined anyway.
> I think all weddings are different. For me marriage is all about joining together and becoming a family so children (for me) are a part of that. We had children at our wedding not many as there wasn't many young children amongst our friends then but it was lovely seeing them playing outside with the bubbles. Also it depends on the location and set up of your wedding as some venues just might not be suitable.
> Try not to take it personally though hun xxxx

Depending on how close you are to the couple I would have been tempted to ask to take your new born, TBH I never really thought about it at my wedding one of my friends asked to bring their 3 month old leaving their older children behind. 
My DS was at his uncles wedding at 8 weeks and I was shocked to realise one of the brides friends had left her 1 week old at home with Granny sorry but I thought it was a bit wrong to say no to a 1 week old.


----------



## RachA

ILoveShoes said:


> Personally, I think its their day, so its their choice.
> I don't think that they should compromise on what they want on their wedding day, in order to please other people.
> Surely, your wedding day is the one day that you're allowed to please yourself?
> xx

^^^ This.
It is their day and their choice. We also stipulated no children but had two flowers girls - they were my sisters girls. I don't see the problem in it at all tbh.
We had to put up with the fact that friends that we'd really wanted there couldn't come because they were unable to get babysitters but we knew that when we made the decision of no children that it may well mean people couldn't come. We made the decision for money reasons - every weaned child was classed as a person therefore we would of had to of paid for a meal for them - at £50 a head we really didn't want to have to spend £750 on children's means. Plus it would of also meant that 15 adults wouldn't of been able to of been invited as we had very strict number limits.


----------



## RachA

tommyg said:


> RebeccaG said:
> 
> 
> We have also been invited to a wedding end of march with a no children rule. I'm due end of February so would be pretty impractical for us to go as its 4 hours away. So would have to stay in a hotel and who would look after new baby and toddler etc?! We've declined anyway.
> I think all weddings are different. For me marriage is all about joining together and becoming a family so children (for me) are a part of that. We had children at our wedding not many as there wasn't many young children amongst our friends then but it was lovely seeing them playing outside with the bubbles. Also it depends on the location and set up of your wedding as some venues just might not be suitable.
> Try not to take it personally though hun xxxx
> 
> *
> Depending on how close you are to the couple I would have been tempted to ask to take your new born*, TBH I never really thought about it at my wedding one of my friends asked to bring their 3 month old leaving their older children behind.
> My DS was at his uncles wedding at 8 weeks and I was shocked to realise one of the brides friends had left her 1 week old at home with Granny sorry but I thought it was a bit wrong to say no to a 1 week old.Click to expand...


I agree with this too - newborns were allowed - it was only once weaned that we said no.


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## lindseymw

All I can say is if I was the bride & read this, you would be uninvited, OH best man or not.

I'm sorry, but your attitude is appaulling. It's not your wedding to arrange nor pay for.


----------



## Jazzy-NICU

How on earth is my attitude appalling!!
I cannot help my feelings, nor will I apologise for them, I haven't said anything horrible about them, haven't said that I won't go have just said that the situation has upset me. I don't think there's any need for people to have a go at me for voicing my opinion! 
I treat people how I would like to be treated and I suppose because the thought would never enter my head to not invite someone's child I don't personally understand it.
By it affecting our friendship it has made me rethink how they must regard our child, I thought he was important to them that's all but by not inviting him it's obviously not important for him to share in their special day.
I don't think I'm wrong being upset by that!!


----------



## lindseymw

I'm sorry but you come across incredibly selfish.

You chose to have this couple as your son's godparents and now you expect because of that, they 'owe' you/your son something. At least that is how you come across to me.


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## Jazzy-NICU

Well I don't particularly care what you think of me to be honest!


----------



## Jazzy-NICU

Can I have this thread closed please, I wasn't looking for a character assassination!


----------



## lozzy21

So he can share in their day? He wont have a clue whats going on let alone remember it.


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## phineas

I'm having my wedding in may, my son and my nephew are the only kids invited. My nephew is no part in the wedding but hell still be there. All other kids are not invited! My bridesmaids child isn't and I've no prob saying no! 

My day my rules! If she has a prob with her child not being invited that's her fault. We are not doing anything wrong by insisting no other kids are there!


----------



## phineas

Also my daughter comes as my 'package' too and she won't even be there! Do I love her any less? Hell no! But I wanna enjoy my day!


----------



## Jazzy-NICU

I've obviously worded this whole thread wrong because everyone just seems to think I'm a bitch hell bent on ruining their day which isn't the case at all!!
Feelings are objective, it's upset me, if it wouldn't upset you then lucky you, something else might that I wouldn't bat an eyelid about but I would never call someone selfish or horrible like some of you have because I wouldn't be bothered by it!
Plenty of people have agreed that they would also be upset so I'm glad I'm not the only one. Yes I am probably being overly sensitive but when it comes to my son I am, something which again I'm not going to apologise for


----------



## fannyadams

I think you're taking it too personally.
I didn't invite my best friends kids and I adore them.
I would have loved them to be at my wedding but costs and other considerations meant I couldn't invite them.
Maybe your should have a chat with your friend. Maybe there's something you're not considering...


----------



## sparkle_1979

I think it's their day so it's up to them. I wouldn't take it personally x


----------



## Pearls18

Jazzy-NICU said:


> I've obviously worded this whole thread wrong because everyone just seems to think I'm a bitch hell bent on ruining their day which isn't the case at all!!
> Feelings are objective, it's upset me, if it wouldn't upset you then lucky you, something else might that I wouldn't bat an eyelid about but I would never call someone selfish or horrible like some of you have because I wouldn't be bothered by it!
> Plenty of people have agreed that they would also be upset so I'm glad I'm not the only one. Yes I am probably being overly sensitive but when it comes to my son I am, something which again I'm not going to apologise for

I don't think the couple have done anything wrong, but I don't think you are being selfish at all, it's understandable you are upset especially if it's not something you have considered before, you can't help how you feel, I think people are being unduly harsh, especially as you have said you are still going anyway. You don't need to apologise, you haven't come across as a bitch at all :hugs:


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## qpaulina42

I guess you were initially upset because you could not see their point of view as you had never considered not including other people's kids in events yourself. So now you see that a lot of people share that sentiment (of not wanting kids around at certain times/occasions) and maybe you can use the various reasons given (cost, preference, type of venue, etc) to see it from their point of you. Maybe you would feel less upset if you saw the rationale behind their decision. 

Also it seems that you are hurt that they don't share your family orientated values, which you thought they did. This is tougher because maybe you feel like you don't have as much in common with these people as you thought and are questioning your friendship. If being really family oriented is something that is really important to you in your friends, I guess you'll have to consider whether or not to bring it up at some point, or maybe watch for other clues. Do they have kids? If not, maybe their priorities/values are a little different for now, I know mine were before having kids. 

And finally, I would say that the thing most people are finding offensive here, I think, is that you feel that your kid is more special than any other because he is a godson and the best man's kid and should have presumably the same status as the flower girl (who is actually taking part in the ceremony) and be invited. The thing is, that while you think your son is special, and so do (probably) his grandparents, no one else is required to feel that way about him.


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## kit10grl

for me the issue with your attitude is the way you are making out your son should be entitled to go as hes their godson.

yes a lot of people have agreed they would be upset their cjild wasnt invited but they didnt say they would try to get the couple to change their mind. they simply said thye woudltn go. 

just because they dont want your child their doesnt mean they dont love him or want him to be involved in their lives, its one day, their day and not about your child.


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## robinator

Absolutely feelings are objective and you have every right to be upset. You do.

However, you are coming across as _completely_ unwilling to accept the fact that it is their day and they can do what they want. I think you are to the point that it wouldn't even matter why anymore, you are so blinded by your perceived snubbing.

Perhaps you could try to acknowledge that they have a POV, even if you don't know what it is? Throwing away a friendship for a half-day event that no one will remember in a year because of an unintentional insult is drastic.


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## seoj

Jazzy-NICU said:


> IBy it affecting our friendship it has made me rethink how they must regard our child, I thought he was important to them that's all but by not inviting him it's obviously not important for him to share in their special day.I don't think I'm wrong being upset by that!!

I do understand why you may be a bit put off they don't want kids (that is totally your right and those feelings are valid). You obviously want your son there- as would your OH. With that said, it's their day and in no way should be indicator of how they feel about your child overall... Just my two cents. You can own your feelings however you see fit. They are yours.


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## Flake-y

I'd probably be a bit annoyed getting a wedding invite without my LO being invited, cause he's part of our family. Then again, if he was invited, I probably wouldn't bring him, it wouldn't be much fun for him, sitting in a church, waiting around while bride/groom get photos taken, & he wouldn't be able to stay awake for the party afterwards, not that it would be something he'd enjoy anyway. He'd be happier at home with his toys, & I'd be happier enjoying myself without having to worry if he was bored/tired/needing fed etc!

Also, I can see why people wouldn't want kids at their wedding, it didn't bother me at my wedding, but everyone's different & for some people, a crying baby can really spoil the day.

I can see both sides!


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## Meredith2010

Sorry but I really don't see that they are doing anything wrong at all. It's their wedding - they can do what they like. I suppose the only thing I maybe would have done if I were them is have a word with you before the invitations went out and said "really sorry, your son isn't invited because we are having a "no kids" wedding other than the flower girl, and we can't make exceptions, I hope you are ok with this....." 

But having said that, my best friend got married in December. She and her now husband are Godparents to DS and he wasn't invited to their wedding. It never crossed my mind to be annoyed about it. What right do I have to decide who should and shouldn't be invited?! To be honest, the fact that your friends are having a flower girl is neither here nor there - it's their decision. I don't think you should have any say in who they do or don't have at their wedding, sorry.

We had something like 13 children at our wedding, all of whom were family but we didn't extend child invitations to anyone other than them. There was no way we could - most of our friends have children so there would have been over 300 people if we invited everyone's children! At the end of the day it's our wedding, our choice (and our money we're spending!)


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## Tiff

I don't think you are coming across as a bitch at all! 

But, I do think that you have some entitlement stuff going on because you and your OH named them as godparents. Which was incredibly sweet and what a wonderful gesture that was too.

However, it does seem that the fact that they are your son's godparents are clouding your views on it all. I get that it is upsetting to have people disagree with you, but that's part and parcel of posting in a public forum. :shrug:


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## Pixelle

Jazzy-NICU said:


> How on earth is my attitude appalling!!
> I cannot help my feelings, nor will I apologise for them, I haven't said anything horrible about them, haven't said that I won't go have just said that the situation has upset me. I don't think there's any need for people to have a go at me for voicing my opinion!
> I treat people how I would like to be treated and I suppose because the thought would never enter my head to not invite someone's child I don't personally understand it.
> By it affecting our friendship it has made me rethink how they must regard our child, I thought he was important to them that's all but by not inviting him it's obviously not important for him to share in their special day.
> I don't think I'm wrong being upset by that!!

The thing is though, it doesn't mean they care any less for your child. It doesn't mean he's any less loved!! It is just one day out of many. It isn't designed to hurt or snub you. 

I understand your son is precious to you and you'd like him to be involved but it isn't your wedding. The bride and groom probably love him very much and also probably had a hard time making the decision.
This shouldn't be a friendship breaker.


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## mojobear

Before I had my 2 children I decided I wanted my wedding to be child free, this was for many reasons, including costs and crying during the church and speeches to name a few. Unfortunately, there was one couple that this upset and who didn't come (which was their choice and that was fine) but then sent me a spiteful card on my wedding day (which wasn't).

Now, I would still make the same choices, my children mean everything to me, however, I totally get why my friends/family wouldn't invite them and on the few occasions that I can have some quality time just me and my hubby I cherish it.

I do understand why you are upset but after reading these replies I hope you will see it's not personal and this is the one day that the bride and groom choose how they want to celebrate with family and friends. I am sure that they love your child as well as their niece and they don't mean this spitefully in anyway.


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## Cat lady

I still agree with the OP, its one thing to talk to them and explain the no kids rule and perhaps we wouldnt even have this thread if the couple getting married had just said, looks guys we really love ... but we have decided on no children coming to the wedding. But not to have actually spoken to them properly is abit off, obviously that is my opinion, but I personally, would feel upset too. 

And I still think being godparents DOES make a difference, if you are that close to somebody that you have chosen them to be godparent to your child, why cant they talk to you in person about the no kids rule? As I said, in my last post, I think op needs to clarify that her lo is defo not invited, as it doesnt seem to have a concrete rule (I might be wrong here!). Also, the flower girl, may just be around for the ceremony and then being shipped off after her duties are fulfilled.

This shouldnt turn into a character assassination because of our feelings, we are all different and whilst some would easily accept not being invited, others would feel hurt by it. We cant help the way we feel, and to call somebody selfish because of how they feel is awful. Thats not the type of support anybody needs.
xxx


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## patch2006uk

I don't really understand the whole 'it's their day' thing. It's a wedding. It's a public ceremony and the whole idea is that it's shared with family and friends. If you think your wedding is more important than your friends and their children, then you have your priorities out of whack IMO. If it's a budget constraint, then fair enough. But to exclude children just because you don't want them to 'spoil' things is baffling. Children are a part of life. At my wedding we accepted that families of 4 are just that - families of 4. We don't get to split them up or ask them to leave 50% of their members behind just because it was 'our day'. 

To the OP - I totally understand where you're coming from. It does seem very strange that they want a flower girl but no other children. Very much coming across like children are a commodity that they can pick and choose whether they want around or not. I really don't know what I'd do in this situation, as I'm pretty sure none of my friends would exclude my son or other children from their weddings, as otherwise I don't think I'd have counted them as close friends, anyway. I can totally understand why you're reassessing the relationship based on this. 

It's a hard one, and there isn't a hard and fast answer and no real clear cut right or wrong. Every social group and family will have different expectations. It's just a shock to find that the group you belong to has different feelings to those you originally thought they had.


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## pinklightbulb

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill tbh. Your kid is your world. Not everyone's. Godchild or not, he isn't any more or less important than their family's children and they aren't invited. I don't think the couple are selfish at all.


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## Pearls18

This is getting silly now, the OP asked for it to be closed a while ago now, she's had a range of responses I think it is time it was locked?


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## Itsychik

I'm just seeing this now... and I've seen a ton of responses I agree with, and a ton I don't.

I absolutely agree with "it's their wedding, it's their choice." At my wedding we had kids, but that's because there weren't many (there were 4 total... and 3 of them were part of the wedding ceremony!) but my BIL is getting married in a few months, and they're inviting only some kids (my DS included). TBH, I almost wish he wasn't invited so I'd have an excuse to leave him somewhere and not 'be stuck' with him all day. Because I'm probably going to miss part of the ceremony (DH is the best man) walking around with my toddler so he doesn't disturb things, but they want him for the pictures etc right afterwards. I'm only bringing him because they want him there, but if they had said yes to other kids and no to my DS, then it would be their decision as well. I love him more than anything in the world but that doesn't mean I expect everyone else to.

As for a wedding being a public event (as mentioned by a PP)--it most certainly is not. Did you put an ad in a newspaper inviting anyone who wanted to come to your wedding? That makes it public. The birth of your child is a matter of public record--does that mean people are allowed to show up and bring whoever they want to the birth of your child? No. Just like people get all bent out of shape when their mothers/MIL's/sisters/friends/family think they have some right to show up at hospitals or homes and visit whenever they want after a baby is born (and the answer is always, your baby = your rules) why is it any different for a wedding, which can be just as emotional, stressful, and expensive? When I was planning my wedding I remember seeing countless arguments about this exact same thing, and I could never understand why people feel so entitled to be outraged when their children aren't invited to a wedding. Don't like it? Don't go--but I think that makes you a selfish friend.

ETA-- Sorry to the OP, this is not in any way directed at you... I just get heated up reading all of the responses of people posting outraged responses to something I consider to be the right of the people getting married.


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## patch2006uk

Legally it's a public ceremony. Anyone can come. Hence asking if anyone knows of any reason the wedding cant happen, and either the reading of the banns or the display of the intention to marry at a registry office. The reception, granted, is private. But anyone can walk into a wedding ceremony.


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## robinator

Huh? Since when?

We had an outdoor wedding at the lake and while obviously there were onlookers, no one dared to be rude enough to actually step inside the pavilion and take a seat.

Back to the OP with this argument, though, why disrespect someone's wishes just because you "can"? Is she supposed to go up to the couple and say, "you know it's a public ceremony so my kid can be here and screw you guys."? Because it seems to me that's exactly what you are saying when you bring up the public ceremony argument. Maybe it's legal, but there is also such things as tact and respect.


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## Tasha

robinator said:


> Huh? Since when?
> 
> We had an outdoor wedding at the lake and while obviously there were onlookers, no one dared to be rude enough to actually step inside the pavilion and take a seat.

Patch is from the UK. 

I doubt any one here would do the just sit down at a randomers wedding either, but legally in the UK you can walk in, because everyone must have the chance to say if they know if there is a legal reason the couple cant be married.


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## Tiff

I don't believe that's the case here tbh. We were going to have our wedding at an art museum and were informed because its a public place there was the chance to have random people show up. When we asked at the golf course we ended up at, they told us that it'd be closed to the public as its a private ceremony.

OP - if you still want your thread closed, pm me. :flower:


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## Palestrina

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Lots of people are saying if it bothers me don't go but my OH is the best man so how on earth can I do that! *It does bother me, not that its a child free wedding but that they're saying it is but inviting a a child, but not my child.*
> To be honest given the option I would have taken him to the ceremony and an hour or two of the reception and then arranged for him to stay at his nannies etc.
> But I have no option. Yes it's their wedding and they'll have the day that they want *but it will effect our friendship and I will mention it after the wedding!*

Oh dear. Of course you are allowed to have your feelings about it. But it seems like you are processing your feelings the way a child does - by feeling them and letting them consume you. An adult has feelings too, but adults can rationalize, they can see the other person's point of view, and they can come to terms with the situation. It doesn't seem like you are able to come to terms with the situation at hand. 

An adult might also empathize with the stress and financial turmoil that a wedding causes to a couple. And while it may be useful for you to broach the subject by saying to the couple "hey, my feelings are a little hurt that you don't want to include your godson in your special day. You two are such an important part of his life and we thought maybe you'd feel the same for him." OR "Would it be ok if we brought LO to the ceremony only?" But more reasonably an adult would accept the terms of the invitation and give them the benefit of the doubt that their intention was not to hurt anyone.

Furthermore, the spite you are exhibiting towards the flower girl is frightening. "That other child is more important than MY child" is not exactly mature. Dare I say that perhaps that child really is more important to them? Probably so, evidently so. Now what? If you can't put your own feelings and needs aside for a few hours then maybe it's best your OH attends the wedding and don't attend, maybe say that LO has been under the weather or something and stay home with him. Whatever you do just try to wallow in negativity and resentment. It's just a party. And think if you did bring him would you end up being upset if they don't spent time with him or would you end up being more mad at them?


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## robinator

Tasha said:


> robinator said:
> 
> 
> Huh? Since when?
> 
> We had an outdoor wedding at the lake and while obviously there were onlookers, no one dared to be rude enough to actually step inside the pavilion and take a seat.
> 
> Patch is from the UK.
> 
> I doubt any one here would do the just sit down at a randomers wedding either, but legally in the UK you can walk in, because everyone must have the chance to say if they know if there is a legal reason the couple cant be married.Click to expand...

Is that based off a law that was made hundreds of years ago and thus an archaic practice, or do people really still do that?


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## Palestrina

patch2006uk said:


> Legally it's a public ceremony. Anyone can come. Hence asking if anyone knows of any reason the wedding cant happen, and either the reading of the banns or the display of the intention to marry at a registry office. The reception, granted, is private. But anyone can walk into a wedding ceremony.

Ok that's a bit of a stretch now. A wedding is not a public event. When Kate Middleton got married did you go to the wedding? No, you watched it on tv and some folks made the trip out to watch their carriage go by. But did you go? No, because you weren't invited. And had you been invited sans LO, would you be miffed? No. If your best girlfriend invited you out for a girls night out would you be miffed that LO wasn't invited? No. Children can't be invited to everything. I will never understand this business of being attached 24/7. My LO is an entire human being of his own, as am I.


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## robinator

Palestrina said:


> "hey, my feelings are a little hurt that you don't want to include your godson in your special day. *You two are such an important part of his life and we thought maybe you'd feel the same for him." * OR "Would it be ok if we brought LO to the ceremony only?"

I agree with your post, but if she were to say this part, it would be an incredibly manipulative, passive-agressive statement. Guilt trip, here we come!


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## Tasha

robinator said:


> Is that based off a law that was made hundreds of years ago and thus an archaic practice, or do people really still do that?

Dunno really. Do you guys not have the bit where they said If anyone here knows of a reason why these two may not be legally married, speak now or forever hold your peace? :haha:


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## Tasha

OP, can you not see that if they allow your son there, then the same hurt and upset you are feeling will be felt by others whos child/ren werent allowed? It would spiral out of control, they allow your LO then they have to allow other close friends and family's LO's.


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## Tiff

Tasha said:


> OP, can you not see that if they allow your son there, then the same hurt and upset you are feeling will be felt by others whos child/ren werent allowed? It would spiral out of control, they allow your LO then they have to allow other close friends and family's LO's.

I can't speak for OP, but I do think she feels its a bit different as they are Godparents to her LO, so its not the same as just a random friend's kiddo. :flower:


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## Tasha

Tiff said:


> I can't speak for OP, but I do think she feels its a bit different as they are Godparents to her LO, so its not the same as just a random friend's kiddo. :flower:

I understand that completely, but others wouldnt. They just see it as one rule for one, one rule for another. Much like the OP is feeling about the flower girl, I guess. Like say I was going and her son was there, but my kid was actually related to the couple then I might be annoyed (I wouldnt cos its their wedding but just an example). 

I guess in my head where does it stop? If they invite him they might feel obligated to invite close family's LO's, then if they do that how far out do they say no, your kid cant come?


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## robinator

Tasha said:


> robinator said:
> 
> 
> Is that based off a law that was made hundreds of years ago and thus an archaic practice, or do people really still do that?
> 
> Dunno really. Do you guys not have the bit where they said If anyone here knows of a reason why these two may not be legally married, speak now or forever hold your peace? :haha:Click to expand...

We do, it's traditionally part of the ceremony, but I believe anyone would get their ass kicked if they stood up and said something lol


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## Banshee

robinator said:


> Tasha said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> robinator said:
> 
> 
> Is that based off a law that was made hundreds of years ago and thus an archaic practice, or do people really still do that?
> 
> Dunno really. Do you guys not have the bit where they said If anyone here knows of a reason why these two may not be legally married, speak now or forever hold your peace? :haha:Click to expand...
> 
> We do, it's traditionally part of the ceremony, but I believe anyone would get their ass kicked if they stood up and said something lolClick to expand...

My family are from northern Ireland and when I've been to my cousins' weddings there have been random people loitering at the back of the church on occasions. Think it's just people being nosey rather than wanting to object - lol ;)


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## Erinsmummy

I had children at my wedding but to be honest I think it's very understandable some don't. We have been invited to a wedding when my baby will be about 3 weeks old, they don't want children there, and as baby will be So small we won't be going, I don't want to leave him that long. I don't mind, thier choice :)


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## Jazzy-NICU

Can I ask, people who have said they didn't go to weddings because it was no children, how close were you to the couple? Were they best friends? Because I'm sure I would feel different if this were a work colleague, school friend etc. 
I obviously want to go and myself and OH were so looking forward to it as its been a long time coming, I suppose we were just shocked when they said no children as we had not expected it at all! 
Again I'll reiterate if it was a case of cost etc and they had explained that I would have of course been understanding but it's not that, they say they want to enjoy time with their friends without children there, again personal choice. I suppose I am less understanding of this because I act no differently without my child, I don't really drink so I won't go to there weddibg and get lashed! I will behave exactly the same as if he were there. I know that many people like time away from their children which again I understand but I work 3 12 hour shifts a week so spending time with my son is a pleasure.
Of course I'll enjoy myself but I won't enjoy it anymore without him there. After reading all the responses though I understand that it's not about me enjoying the days it's about them obviously and if they'll enjoy it more without children there that's absolutely their choice, I just thought they were people who loved being around children that's why I was taken aback x


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## Tasha

Jazzy, I think from everything you have said it *might* be about money but they are embarrassed to say. Some people might be fine in saying hey with (for example) 25 kids its gonna knock up our bill by x amount and we really cant afford that, but other people like to keep finances private.

Also if they say it is a money issue the as you've seen in this thread some people will say well I will pay for my own kid. Which then brings in the whole some peoples children coming and others not.


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## Cat lady

The wedding we didnt go to, they were good friends of ours, (Still are! But they are back in oz now). Although they werent in our wedding party, they were still a big part of our day, I had a disaster with my dress but my friend stitched everything up and was a huge support.
I think they were understanding that we didnt go to their wedding. I mean, it was in oz, I wasnt going to drag our 10mth old son who had had major bowel surgery when he was born half way around the world to go to a wedding where he wasnt invited and I would have to employ strangers to look after him. We were gutted but our child came first.
xxx


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## fantastica

Palestrina said:


> patch2006uk said:
> 
> 
> Legally it's a public ceremony. Anyone can come. Hence asking if anyone knows of any reason the wedding cant happen, and either the reading of the banns or the display of the intention to marry at a registry office. The reception, granted, is private. But anyone can walk into a wedding ceremony.
> 
> Ok that's a bit of a stretch now. A wedding is not a public event. When Kate Middleton got married did you go to the wedding? No, you watched it on tv and some folks made the trip out to watch their carriage go by. But did you go? No, because you weren't invited. And had you been invited sans LO, would you be miffed? No. If your best girlfriend invited you out for a girls night out would you be miffed that LO wasn't invited? No. Children can't be invited to everything. I will never understand this business of being attached 24/7. My LO is an entire human being of his own, as am I.Click to expand...


I don't think she is actually suggesting that the OP takes her child to the wedding anyway...just that legally anyone can show up. No-one actually does it though (that i'm aware of), socially it would be completely the wrong thing to do, but legally it has to allowed!


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## patch2006uk

Indeed. You don't invite people to the ceremony, you invite them to the wedding reception afterwards. We had people at our ceremony who weren't invited to the afternoon, or who were just there as transport. They have every right to be there if they want to be.


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## tommyg

Tbh the extras who sat at the back of the church did not bother me in the least, in fact I thought it was kind of nice that SILs friend wanted to see us get married.
The people who remain a bit of a bug bear wear the unwanted guests that mil insisted got invited to the wedding, DH even had FIL say 'we are giving you this money to help pay' they gave us £1500 towards the wedding and it cost us £500 for their friends that i've never seen since. It really grates me, if I could turn the clocks back I wish we'd said 'keep your money and your friends' but at the time I was marrying into this family and didn't want to get off on a bad foot.

I don't think I could have handled my friends giving me grief over their kids, I would have loved to have had them but would have struggle for space and numbers. 8 weeks before my wedding I was ready to 'pull the plug' on it and reorganize for a much smaller affair without the unwanted guests but DH talked me round.

They are having one flower girl, no other kids including a neice is you child any more important that their neice?
Is the flower girl staying for the reception?

I beg you if you value your friends to let it go.


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## Palestrina

Jazzy-NICU said:


> Can I ask, people who have said they didn't go to weddings because it was no children, how close were you to the couple? Were they best friends? Because I'm sure I would feel different if this were a work colleague, school friend etc.
> I obviously want to go and myself and OH were so looking forward to it as its been a long time coming, I suppose we were just shocked when they said no children as we had not expected it at all!
> *Again I'll reiterate if it was a case of cost etc and they had explained that I would have of course been understanding but it's not that, they say they want to enjoy time with their friends without children there, again personal choice. I suppose I am less understanding of this because I act no differently without my child,* I don't really drink so I won't go to there weddibg and get lashed! I will behave exactly the same as if he were there. I know that many people like time away from their children which again I understand but I work 3 12 hour shifts a week so spending time with my son is a pleasure.
> Of course I'll enjoy myself but I won't enjoy it anymore without him there. After reading all the responses though I understand that it's not about me enjoying the days it's about them obviously and if they'll enjoy it more without children there that's absolutely their choice, I just thought they were people who loved being around children that's why I was taken aback x

You're still a little stuck on you - who cares what the reason is that they don't want to have children? It may be because it's too costly, it may be because they don't want children crowding the dance floor and crying during their ceremony, it may be that they want it to be an elegant grown up affair, it may be because they want their friends to let loose and have grown up fun rather than be afraid of tripping over toddlers while drunk. It really does not matter what their reason is, and you do not need to condone their reason. You may not act differently around your son but perhaps they do, and that's what they are focusing on. Nobody is trying to come between you and your son, really what's the big deal? Do you have someone to babysit for you or not? Ok, we get it, you think your son should be invited but he's not. And that does not make this couple horrible people and they deserve to have the wedding of their dreams.


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## patch2006uk

I think the realisation that your friends aren't who you thought they were is perhaps the issue here. If you really thought that your son, being their godson, was an important part of their lives, and now you've discovered that actually he's not welcome to share in their wedding day, then I understand where the feelings come from. That's regardless of the rights or wrongs of having children there on the day. If you expect people to behave one way, and they behave the opposite, it's a shock. You can't control your gut reaction to something.


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## Jazzy-NICU

I think you've made your point now!! All you do us comment negatively, I get it you don't agree but I'm not going to change my feelings, nothing that you say will make me do that. 
I've agreed that they should obviously have the day of their dreams why are you posting like I haven't? 
I don't really see who you have to keep reiterating how awful I am when you don't know me, your the only person to repeatedly post making the same point? I've got your opinion now thanks for that!


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## Jazzy-NICU

And for the record it's got nothing to do with a babysitter, that's not an issue at all.


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## Jazzy-NICU

patch2006uk said:


> I think the realisation that your friends aren't who you thought they were is perhaps the issue here. If you really thought that your son, being their godson, was an important part of their lives, and now you've discovered that actually he's not welcome to share in their wedding day, then I understand where the feelings come from. That's regardless of the rights or wrongs of having children there on the day. If you expect people to behave one way, and they behave the opposite, it's a shock. You can't control your gut reaction to something.

Thank you this is exactly the point that I am trying to put across x


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## Tiff

patch2006uk said:


> I think the realisation that your friends aren't who you thought they were is perhaps the issue here. If you really thought that your son, being their godson, was an important part of their lives, and now you've discovered that actually he's not welcome to share in their wedding day, then I understand where the feelings come from. That's regardless of the rights or wrongs of having children there on the day. If you expect people to behave one way, and they behave the opposite, it's a shock. You can't control your gut reaction to something.

I think this its it too. 

I don't agree with your reaction, but you are entitled to your opinion. I have been in similar situations, people probably didn't agree with how I reacted but that is their issue, not mine.


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## lozzy21

You might not act differently when your child is not around but other people do, i certainly do. If i went to a wedding with out Niamh i would most likely get rather drunk which i would not do if there were children about.


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## Palestrina

Jazzy-NICU said:


> I think you've made your point now!! All you do us comment negatively, I get it you don't agree but I'm not going to change my feelings, nothing that you say will make me do that.
> I've agreed that they should obviously have the day of their dreams why are you posting like I haven't?
> I don't really see who you have to keep reiterating how awful I am when you don't know me, your the only person to repeatedly post making the same point? I've got your opinion now thanks for that!

I assume this is directed at me. I never said you were awful. And I do sympathize with your feelings, however I'm just trying to point out that you're allowing your feelings to consume you. If you have indeed come to the realization that your relationship with these people isn't how you imagined it to be then that can be a hard pill to swallow. You're not doing yourself any good by wallowing in anger about this. 

I too have chosen Godparents for my son and sometimes they're absolutely wonderful and other times they don't act the way I imagined them to act in certain situations. But overall I think we made a good choice and I try to look at the big picture rather than each individual occasion - they are people that have their own lives and I respect that. So you must ask yourself, are his Godparents otherwise attentive to your son? Do they visit him? Do they come to important events like birthday parties and occasionally get him gifts for Christmas? Are they otherwise involved in his life? These are imo the real needs a child has from his Godparents. If they are fulfilling the role aside from this then I'd try not to worry too much about the non-invite. But if they seem indifferent towards him in general then that's a whole other story and I would understand this reaction - it wouldn't seem so out of proportion. 

Don't take offense at someone who has a slightly different perception than you do. I'm not out to hurt you, just trying to offer a different view point, and hopefully get you to stop being so angry, anger does nothing to benefit any relationship.


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## qpaulina42

Random side note - I'm actually super impressed that you can act the same way when with or without your kiddo. We go out so rarely with LO (or at all, for that matter!) because I get all frazzeled with her around. I can't carry on a normal conversation with anyone, including OH, have to always know where she's at, stop her from getting into stuff that's not ok for her age, make sure she's fed, deal with the endless melt downs, etc.


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## Ceejay123

ILoveShoes said:


> Personally, I think its their day, so its their choice.
> I don't think that they should compromise on what they want on their wedding day, in order to please other people.
> Surely, your wedding day is the one day that you're allowed to please yourself?
> xx

WSS :) 

Although i do think its weird, no kids.. but one flower girl? Won't she be bored. Haha. But it's their wedding day, I wouldn't be pissed... Before I had riley, I would have said no kids at mine too., >< !


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## sun

I haven't read the whole thing, but I am of the idea that it is their wedding, their special day, and they should get to have things the way they want it. No children at a wedding is totally normal to me - I have been to several. I find it strange that you keep talking as if they are trying to separate you from your child and they they should know you are a package deal? There are plenty of things you will do without your children. My kids and I are also a package, but I'm not going to bring them to a 2h dentist appointment, to an adult movie, or to a no-kids event. 

A wedding is something you plan and want to remember as being one of the best days of your life. They planned their wedding as they want it so you should respect what their idea of a perfect wedding day is. If it doesn't match yours, that's too bad. I'm sure everyone would do it differently in some way. But it's their day and either support them or don't go. If you ask me, it's a no-brainer and completely ridiculous to lose friendship over them not giving your son special treatment.


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## xx~Lor~xx

My mum's cousin did this at her wedding, we were told there were no children allowed. I found it really hard and felt very offended. But, My daughter ended up being the ONLY child in the family that hadn't been 'invited' as my two cousins had been made into bridesmaids, and my mum's cousin's kids were obviously there. And it turned out that a number find her friends' babies had also been allowed to go. This was a few years back and it STILL makes me angry. I had to leave my 1year old, but yet everyone else's little kids ended up going?!?

At the end of the day it's their wedding... I did go as we respected their decision not to have children go. It was their day, but I felt really angry when I found so many kids had been allowed. I had never left my daughter before, and it was horrible. We left early.


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## MikaylasMummy

Well ours wi be strictly no kids except my own and our nieces(there is only two and we are very close and they are similar ages to my kids).we have a lot of people going and limited space and kids take up seats and meals.even my own kids will probably be taken home early.we have chosen to have an adult wedding and that's our choice.we are paying and I think it's actually rude to be upset about it to be honest.


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## Baby France

Jazzy-NICU said:


> I like to think that any other people with children who weren't invited would understand that our son is the son of the grooms best friend/ best man, not someone he works with/ went to school with etc, if it was any other wedding than that of a best friend I wouldn't have been bothered at all.

My twin didn't want children at her wedding. We were best friends all out lives (literally)

She didn't want any niece, nephews at her wedding. Nor her best friends baby.

Her wedding, her rules. 

She got so much grief from it, she decided to sod everyone off and go to South Africa to get married instead. 

I think its about the couple, before its about the families joining. I love the fact we got married and we had everyone there. But that was my choice.

As others said, you can simply 'not go'. Have a night off and enjoy yourself!


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## lightweight

When we got married we specified no children mostly because there were so many amongst friends and family we'd have ended up not being able to invite lots of the adults. We did have dhs nephews as ushers and his niece plus my god daughter as bridesmaids and my godson as pageboy.


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## tommyg

Baby France said:


> Jazzy-NICU said:
> 
> 
> I like to think that any other people with children who weren't invited would understand that our son is the son of the grooms best friend/ best man, not someone he works with/ went to school with etc, if it was any other wedding than that of a best friend I wouldn't have been bothered at all.
> 
> My twin didn't want children at her wedding. We were best friends all out lives (literally)
> 
> She didn't want any niece, nephews at her wedding. Nor her best friends baby.
> 
> Her wedding, her rules.
> 
> She got so much grief from it, she decided to sod everyone off and go to South Africa to get married instead.
> 
> I think its about the couple, before its about the families joining. I love the fact we got married and we had everyone there. But that was my choice.
> 
> As others said, you can simply 'not go'. Have a night off and enjoy yourself!Click to expand...

I can fully see why your twin pulled the plug on it - I came very close to pulling the plug on mine because of the shape of the top table - ils wanted it long traditional I wanted it round like the rest. If it wasn't for the amount of money we'd havd lost on deposits I would have said sod it. If you can't be happy with what we want then don't bother - it also bugs me we were conned into inviting a bunch of their pals.


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## Palestrina

sun said:


> I find it strange that you keep talking as if they are trying to separate you from your child and they they should know you are a package deal? There are plenty of things you will do without your children. My kids and I are also a package, but I'm not going to bring them to a 2h dentist appointment, to an adult movie, or to a no-kids event.


Exactly, there's lots of places people go without their kids. I don't see why everyone gets so bent out of shape over not being able to bring their kids to a wedding. I don't understand why it's such a big deal to be separated from your child for a few hours.


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## robinator

Because someone made the choice _for_ her, that's why it's a big deal. :wacko:


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## Gingerspice

Palestrina said:


> sun said:
> 
> 
> I find it strange that you keep talking as if they are trying to separate you from your child and they they should know you are a package deal? There are plenty of things you will do without your children. My kids and I are also a package, but I'm not going to bring them to a 2h dentist appointment, to an adult movie, or to a no-kids event.
> 
> 
> Exactly, there's lots of places people go without their kids. I don't see why everyone gets so bent out of shape over not being able to bring their kids to a wedding. I don't understand why it's such a big deal to be separated from your child for a few hours.Click to expand...


The thing is it often isn't just a few hours. The majority of weddings I've been to have taken an entire day with many requiring staying overnight far from anybody else that could be on hand to babysit as often the rest of close family are also going to the wedding. 
I like to have an invite to us all as a family, and if I decide it would be a nice day/weekend away for us all then I like to make the decision that as a family the one chance of us all being together for weeks or months (hubs works away for months on end) is my choice as to whether we spend that as a fmaily or a couple. If I decide that it may not be best or indeed I would enjoy it more to not spend it with my child also then its my decision to decline the invititation for my child. Being told from the offset that actually your child is not welcome isn't particularly inviting. It is their choice to not to choose to have children, but the first indication that thats the case being no name on the invite I'd find hard. I would hope that being a friend or family member then they would actually make poeple aware of that intention of no children in advance because its likely to have had opportunity to have come up ahead of an invite landing on the door mat. 

Thankfully everybody in my family and friends share my opinion that weddings are about 2 families joining, and its about sharing that joyous day with everybody of all ages in the group of family and friends - its not just about 2 people dictating their idea for a perfect party, so its not been a situation we've found ourselves in. We accomodated as many people as we could and we were considerate to others input on menu choices/who should get an invite/ times of ceremony etc/timing of activities in the day. 

I have to say if I got an invite for a wedding to just me and OH then I'd consider carefully whether to attend because the time OH spends with our child is very limited as it is without a third party telling him he then can't spend that day with her! In all honesty if I had an invite without my LO on it specifically written then I'd not necessarily assume it wasn't open to her anyway. Anybody is allowed to walk into and attend the church ceremony so if I want to take my great aunt Freeda then I could!


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## x Michelle x

robinator said:


> Because someone made the choice _for_ her, that's why it's a big deal. :wacko:

well no, she isn't being forced to attend the wedding and be without her son. She has the choice to attend or not :wacko:


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## Aphrodite

We had a child free wedding. We had nothing against children being thre, but we couldnt bank on their parents to make sure they behaved. The last thing I wanted was children running around screaming during the speeches or vows. Having said that, we had ONE child there as there was no way they would have been able to come to the wedding and I could trust her to make sure she behaved which she did. I just thought its my day Ill have what I want. If I got invited to a child free wedding now I wouldnt be offended, Id be excited for some adult time without the kids!!!


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## robinator

x Michelle x said:


> robinator said:
> 
> 
> Because someone made the choice _for_ her, that's why it's a big deal. :wacko:
> 
> well no, she isn't being forced to attend the wedding and be without her son. She has the choice to attend or not :wacko:Click to expand...

I meant the choice of whether or not to bring her child. _They_ said no; decision made.


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## Tiff

but surely she still has the choice to go or not? they made a decision yes, but she also has the freedom of choice on what she wants to do.

then it gets into moral territory: go and suck it up, or say something and potentially cause strife. it's a tough decision for sure.


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## robinator

I think my comment was lost in translation. It was sarcasm, anyway. I'll drop it lol


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## m_t_rose

I don't like children at weddings. They are loud and annoying and take the focus off the bride and groom. I have been to several weddings and I never bring my kids because it isn't fair to the kids (they have no where to play without fear of being stepped on) and they have to sit quietly for longer than they should have to and it makes me stressed out so I am more snappy at them). I like having a night without my kids and when I am out without my kids I don't want to be around a bunch of kids. Also my son has been the ring bearer in two weddings and has not gone to either reception. Maybe the flower girl won't be at the reception either.


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## Palestrina

Gingerspice said:


> *I like to have an invite to us all as a family, and if I decide it would be a nice day/weekend away for us* all then I like to make the decision that as a family *the one chance of us all being together for weeks or months (hubs works away for months on end)*
> 
> Thankfully everybody in my family and friends share my *opinion *that weddings are about 2 families joining, and its about sharing that joyous day with everybody of all ages in the group of family and friends - *its not just about 2 people dictating their idea for a perfect party*,
> 
> *I have to say if I got an invite for a wedding to just me and OH then I'd consider carefully whether to attend because the time OH spends with our child is very limited as it is without a third party telling him he then can't spend that day with her!*

A wedding is not about 2 people dictating their idea for a perfect party... it's 2 people PAYING for their idea for a perfect party. Are you paying for their party?

And no offense, but what does your husband's job have to do with attending a party? Why should others take that into consideration? You seem to forget that attending a wedding is special, you are invited to spend this time with them, nobody has an obligation to you. Nobody is sitting around writing an invite to you saying "let's break up some families!" Not!


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## louandivy

I find some of the opinions on this thread so weird. Its a party - the hosts are allowed to invite/not invite whoever they want?! I wouldnt be offended if my friend wanted me to go to a wedding without Ivy, just like I know they like to catch up with me at night without me being distracted by a child all the time. Its kinda entitled and self-absorbed to expect someone else's wedding/party preferences to change for your kid, glad none of my friends are like this!


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## Gingerspice

Palestrina said:


> Gingerspice said:
> 
> 
> *I like to have an invite to us all as a family, and if I decide it would be a nice day/weekend away for us* all then I like to make the decision that as a family *the one chance of us all being together for weeks or months (hubs works away for months on end)*
> 
> Thankfully everybody in my family and friends share my *opinion *that weddings are about 2 families joining, and its about sharing that joyous day with everybody of all ages in the group of family and friends - *its not just about 2 people dictating their idea for a perfect party*,
> 
> *I have to say if I got an invite for a wedding to just me and OH then I'd consider carefully whether to attend because the time OH spends with our child is very limited as it is without a third party telling him he then can't spend that day with her!*
> 
> A wedding is not about 2 people dictating their idea for a perfect party... it's 2 people PAYING for their idea for a perfect party. Are you paying for their party?
> 
> And no offense, but what does your husband's job have to do with attending a party? Why should others take that into consideration? You seem to forget that attending a wedding is special, you are invited to spend this time with them, nobody has an obligation to you. Nobody is sitting around writing an invite to you saying "let's break up some families!" Not!Click to expand...

I wasn't saying they should make allowances for my husbands job (although many do in many circumstances because they're friends and family so want us there so try to accommodate us) I was saying if that happened I would consider it carefully whether I would go. That was my opinion as to deciding whether to go in that circumstance and why I would make that decision should I be in that position as the OP was asking what others would do. 

As I said it hasn't been a problem because my friends and family all share the same viewpoint anyway. 

I wouldn't raise it to the B&G however, I would simply decline. There is no need to make an argument out of it, but if they did ask why, I would say because of family commitments. No friend of mine is likely to put me in that position anyway, because the only people who are likely to end up not inviting us all would be acquaintances, who probably aren't that fussed about me being there, and we may very well only be ships passing in the night in terms of friendships along the sea of life, and may very well value having the space to ask closer friends along.


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## tommyg

The point is if you are in your 30s their is a fair chance lots of your friends have kids if we had invited everybody with kids we are talking 36 kids! My max numbers were 120 - you work that out we'd end up offending friends by not inviting them because we had so many kids.

Their wedding their money their choice.

To the op maybe you should speak with the bride directly. She might not really want the flowergirl but the kid might have asked directly put her on the spot and shes said yes. 

Re your concerns on your choice of godparents do they play an active role in your sons life? That is pro ably more important than 1 day.


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## mayb_baby

A wedding is about those getting married, what they say goes and tbh I don't see how this can be an issue? why would you want young children there? Especially if they themselves don't have any


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## Wriggley

I absolutely agree its up to the bride and groom its THEIR day n o one elses so they have every right to say no children and do their wedding exactly how they want it

BUT 

If me and OH were invited to a wedding and it was a child free wedding and we didnt feel we could go - e.g. during the time my new baby will be breastfed or if i couldnt get a baby sitter (my mum and MIL are the only people who i allow to have LO and if they were going to the wedding childcare would be a problem) then id expect them to be accepting that we wouldnt be able to attend. 

Like them they have every right to decide what happens on their wedding day, i have the right to choose if i can go or not and i wouldnt allow someone to sit my children who i was not comfortable with doing so or during the time il be breastfeeding and i would hope they could respeact that as i would be respecting their choice to not have children there rather then complaining and throwing a paddy about it. 

really want im trying to say is - if it bothers you that much just say you cant go :shrug:


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## hel_5

I can understand why you are upset :hugs:

Just a couple of different thoughts for you, what if the bride wanted a totally child free wedding but got 'forced/pressured' into having a flower girl, maybe she thought you would understand and not need to explain it to you, maybe she has just had enough of it all and had lots of people asking why their kids haven't been invited so has just stopped explaining it, or maybe it's because she has dreamt about her wedding her whole life and always wanted just a flower girl, or possibly she has just been caught up in the whole wedding thing andit hasn't even crossed her mind that she might have upset you

I've worked with a lot of brides and the pressure some of them are under is ridiculous - there can't be any table numbers because x will be upset that they are sat at the last table, y will only eat plain chicken and chips but they are too shy to ask for it so would sit and eat nothing (then complain!) so if I show you a picture would you be able to make sure he gets it, and the list goes on.

It personally wouldnt bother me and I do think it's their day, their paying, their choice xxx


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