# Depressed over having a girl?



## wishinforaboy

As long as I can remember I always wanted a baby boy. My husband and I recently found out that we are having a girl we are both very depressed and saddened by this, we both don't know how we are going to raise a girl. one of my fears is that once the baby is born that my husband will walk out because he really really wants a boy and that I will resent the girl. We are both confused we feel guilt, depressed and don't know how to move forward from these feelings. I haven't even told my family because i'm so depressed and i really don't want to hear them saying that the little girl is going to be daddys girl i don't want anyone to judge us for how we feel we just need help before this baby is born.

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*ADMIN NOTE:
*As shown on post #10 

I locked this thread whist I made a reply but it's now open again.

I would like to remind members regardless of your own history and others, gender disappointment is NOT uncommon. Have a bit more sense about you than to throw rude unhelpful replies into the thread or to call out troll, which we NEVER appreciate ...someone has a problem so they are automatically trolling? No, that's not how it works.

This member found BabyandBump by searching for 'gender depression' so why don't you ladies come down off your high horses and actually help (did you have a gender preference now or previous pregnancies, how did you overcome those, share you bump bonding stories and your journey as you got bigger, I'm sure you can try and even succeed in helping even if you don't know what she feels like) or leave the thread.

Please don't ignore this message, doing so may result in actions being taken on your account.

:thumbup:


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## moomoo

Maybe look at it as though some people would be grateful for either sex but cannot or struggle to have children!!!?


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## alynn6758

well hun, there is a site called ingender.com for gender disappointment...there is lots of support there hun, I really recommend that site :)...I hope that when you see your baby girl, all those feelings melt away for you and your DH...:hugs:


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## SPN1304

Hiya,

I am sorry you feel this way and can't imagine what it must be like. I dont have any answers for you but I didnt want to read and run. There are some ladies on here who have experienced the same as you so hopefully bumping this back up will bring it to their attention.

Good luck!!


xxxx


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## stephwiggy

this is a subject that tends to get very heated ...


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## beauty

There was a thread like this the other day!!
Please can admin close this thread!!


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## mumoffive

What is it about having a girl that makes you so down? Is this your first? I had twin boys and then was so dissapointed when i had another boy. I so wanted a girl!!! Then i had a girl and i was over the moon. The thing is, you may well go on to have a boy next time so you just need to think positively. Why dont you talk to your dh..seems youre harbouring fears that are building up in your head and he may not feel as bad as that. Once you know he has accepted it, you may start to actually like the idea and accept it yourself x


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## Poppeteer

I'm guessing this is a troll post, due to such a controversial topic being a first post.

But when you get pregnant, you have a 50:50 chance of having a boy or girl. If the thought of having a girl is so terrible, then why get pregnant?
Its highly insulting for women who are desperate for a baby- any baby.


I can't comment further.

Saddening, depressing post :cry: if this is real my heart aches for your daughter.


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## v2007

I have 3 girls and i am grateful for all of them, whether they were girls or boys i dont care as long as they are happy and healthy.


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## Wobbles

*ADMIN NOTE:*

I locked this thread whist I made a reply but it's now open again.

I would like to remind members regardless of your own history and others, gender disappointment is NOT uncommon. Have a bit more sense about you than to throw rude unhelpful replies into the thread or to call out troll, which we NEVER appreciate ...someone has a problem so they are automatically trolling? No, that's not how it works.

This member found BabyandBump by searching for 'gender depression' so why don't you ladies come down off your high horses and actually help (did you have a gender preference now or previous pregnancies, how did you overcome those, share you bump bonding stories and your journey as you got bigger, I'm sure you can try and even succeed in helping even if you don't know what she feels like) or leave the thread.

Please don't ignore this message, doing so may result in actions being taken on your account.

:thumbup:


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## Wobbles

wishinforaboy - Please keep this to one thread.

Thank you


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## CandyApple19

your daughter didn't choose to be a girl, she is what YOU both made her. If you are seriously so upset about this i highly suggest you see a counsellor or a doctor to sort this out, i don't think your daughter will want to be born resented for the gender YOU made her.


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## Wobbles

Helpful!


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## alynn6758

I really think the admins or someone, should post something about this like refer them to ingender.com for support...that way ladies won't be getting upset or something...I don't know I just don't want to see people upset its not good for us :/


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## mommyof3co

Maybe start looking at all the fun girly stuff there is, lots more cute clothes for instance haha. Also you'll be able to share things that you liked growing up with her. I know with my boys they love just about everything Daddy did while growing up and that's a huge thing with them, it's so cute to watch how excited he gets when they go through different stages....you'll get to share all of that with her. I have 3 little boys and our last one we really wanted a girl, I was really upset for awhile but after the shock of not getting what I wanted wore off I was able to get really excited planning for a boy again. We are really hoping for a girl this time too and I know I'll be incredibly disappointed and upset if it's another boy because this is for sure our last child so last chance, but remember the most important thing is the baby is healthy and hopefully after getting used to the idea you will both come around and get really excited about this being a little girl


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## Wobbles

alynn6758 said:


> I really think the admins or someone, should post something about this like refer them to ingender.com for support...that way ladies won't be getting upset or something...I don't know I just don't want to see people upset its not good for us :/

We've put so much effort into BabyandBump in more than one way, 24/7 round the clock and we have a SUPPORTIVE forum here most times. Not sure I wish to point people to another website when I know there are so many who could really help others in these circumstances. Help them see there's a smile worth having ....


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## beauty

I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!! 

I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..

Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)


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## poppy666

I thought the same... maybe a sticky thread for gender disappointment & links that offer help etc... can understand something like this can get heated


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## tas1

Have you tried looking at girls things? Or finding a name?
I thought i would feel like this but im just grateful the baby is healthy and everything is ok.
Its a terrible situation to be in but you'll get use to it and you'll find there are some much nicer stuff for girls than boys!
xx


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## moomoo

alynn6758 said:


> I really think the admins or someone, should post something about this like refer them to ingender.com for support...that way ladies won't be getting upset or something...I don't know I just don't want to see people upset its not good for us :/

Maybe there should be a seperate "gender disapointment" forum... :shrug:


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## mommyof3co

alynn6758 said:


> I really think the admins or someone, should post something about this like refer them to ingender.com for support...that way ladies won't be getting upset or something...I don't know I just don't want to see people upset its not good for us :/

Or people can just read the title and tell what this thread is about and avoid it if it's something that will upset them :thumbup: We are all adults and have the choice to open certain threads or not. Everyone has different things that bother them, hey I hate to see threads about CIO but you know what I do? Just avoid them, I don't agree with the technique and would rather not read about people using it since I don't like it therefore I stay out of the threads, those people still need advice too though.


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## berryblue290

Go to a baby store and start poking around, I think it will instantly make you more excited seeing all the girl things! I can imagine it is hard but just think of the people in TTC who trying/can't have babies. She is a blessing, and maybe seeing someone will help you over come that sooner than later.


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## moomoo

beauty said:


> I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!!
> 
> I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..
> 
> Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)

^wss^


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## KeirasMummy.

Im sorry you feel this way, i have not experienced this & dont think i would ever be soo disappointed about the gender of my baby like to extremes of not wanting to bond etc .. so dont really know what advice to give, maybe you should go talk to your midwife or someone who can help! I hope you & your OH feel different about your baby soon, the main thing is you have a healthy baby & one that will be loved, which im sure with time she will be :thumbup:

I think alot of people get upset by these posts & it would be better if maybe you tried posting this kinda thing on the ingender forum if you are looking for more support & friendly advice :flower:


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## jessica716

Ever since i was little i always wanted a little girl to dress up....i love the pink clothes and the little dresses and all the girly stuff...i always always a bit of a tomboy so never had it myself!
I got to about 10 weeks and i realised that it was 50/50 and that i couldnt choose what i was going to have...i made a point of going out looking for clothes for boys which i found cute andmy OH talked about playing football and rugby with LO when he grew up if it was a boy...

By the time i had my gender scan i knew it was a boy and i'm happy about it...

don't get me wrong i love the pink girly things but now i have a little boy who by the time i have a little girl can be a big protective older brother!! xx


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## Smiley Girl

Well I think you are entitled to post how you feel, this is what forums are for, to help you get things off your chest and to get support from others that are/ have been in the same boat.

I really hope that you and your husband can find the support you need, both from within baby and bump and also by way of counselling too... I believe that loads of women have felt a little bit like this and you are brave for being so open and honest about how you feel. Good luck and I wish you both all the best for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of what will be a beautiful, lovely daughter.xxx


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## v2007

I know you were wishing for a boy but you got a girlie and they are fun. 

I have 3, 1 sleeping and they all gorgeous and brilliant and i will admit if i had another i think i would love another girl but if it was a boy i would be happy too. 

There are millions of things you can do wIth your daughter. 

I know you didnt get your wish of a little boy but you got a little pink delivery and thats something to be so grateful for. 

V xxx


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## Wobbles

beauty said:


> I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!!
> 
> I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..
> 
> Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)

I've known ladies who have gone through hell and back to start their own family and still suffer gender disappointment.

This thread isn't for you to lay down how you think our forum should work nor do I care if you agree with me.


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## dizzynic

I have 4 girls and i would really love to have a boy .Last pregnancy i convinced myself i was expecting a boy and was so disappointed when the sonographer said its a girl again . To get around my disappointment i named my bump and even gave her a nickname calling her 'Erinchops' i sung to her and after a while the feeling evaporated and i was so in love with my little girl i was so looking forward to meeting her . Circumstances took over at 38 weeks and my girl was stillborn :( such a sad time for me and my family . This time around i still want my boy but i am more looking forward to a healthy baby. Councelling sounds like a good idea for you and your husband to help you both deal with how you feel i am sure in time you will learn to love your baby girl and your disappointment will be a thing of the past.
Sorry if my post isnt much help but thought i would share :)


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## Hemoon

Hi Wishinforaboy. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you feeling this way. Although don't forget your hormones are naturally going to effect your emotions at the moment. I'm sure once you have got used to the idea you will wonder how you ever wanted anything different. 

I'm obviously no expert but I cant imagine your husband would leave you for a moment just because its a girl not a boy. If he even gives you a hint of leaving, just remind him that its his little swimmers that determine the sex ;)

I really hope things become a little easier for you over the next few days and you get some good advice.

Loads of love

xxxxxxxxx


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## tas1

I dont think this thread should close! B&B is for people to offer support for people. So if someone had prenatal depression or post natal depression and posted a thread on here for support would you write horrible stuff to them for not loving there baby at first?!? No i dont think you would,depression is an illness and not a very good one no matter what causes it! 
I think you should see a councellor or doctors to see if they can help!

My OH is currently trying to get over depression and has been signed off work for it,but im trying my best to snap him out of it and distract him. He is depressed about work so we have been looking for different jobs together and courses so he can get a qualification.
So why not trying looking at girls stuff and names and other peoples baby girls (dont get too close to stranger though they might think you are strange) but definately see someone about it! xx


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## aliss

All I can really say is that I think in-person counseling for you and your husband is really important at this stage. Having a baby is pressure enough. Hopefully a qualified counselor can help you come to terms with your gender disappointment.

Is this more about you not wanting a girl ... or that you feel your husband may leave you over it???


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## beauty

Wobbles said:


> beauty said:
> 
> 
> I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!!
> 
> I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..
> 
> Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)
> 
> I've known ladies who have gone through hell and back to start their own family and still suffer gender disappointment.
> 
> This thread isn't for you to lay down how you think our forum should work nor do I care if you agree with me.Click to expand...

HENCE you not closing it, me not reading the posts anymore, i dont agree with this post 1 bit, and one was closed the other day for the same reason!! 



I suggested a site for gender disappointments and bascially said i "don't agree with it being posted in this section" as do most other ladies, hence the comments on the posts!!
I do not CARE if you do NOT agree with me either, it is my own personal view that it is posted in the wrong section!! Hence why i suggested it be closed (which you havent done) because you didnt agree to close it..


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## Wobbles

aliss said:


> All I can really say is that I think in-person counseling for you and your husband is really important at this stage. Having a baby is pressure enough. Hopefully a qualified counselor can help you come to terms with your gender disappointment.
> 
> *Is this more about you not wanting a girl ... or that you feel your husband may leave you over it???*

So many ladies feel this way, it's so sad an expectant mother would ever feel like this :(


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## GDrag

Aw hun, I know the feeling. I was desperate for a girl with my first but it ended up being a boy. Please don't feel guilty about preferring one above the other, most people have visions beforehand of what they would like to do once boy / girl arrives.

My son is now 12 and I can't imagine life without him. He is a wonderful, helpful little man and I love him to pieces . . . but still . . . I hope this one is a girl!


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## aliss

beauty said:


> Wobbles said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> beauty said:
> 
> 
> I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!!
> 
> I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..
> 
> Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)
> 
> I've known ladies who have gone through hell and back to start their own family and still suffer gender disappointment.
> 
> This thread isn't for you to lay down how you think our forum should work nor do I care if you agree with me.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> I suggested a site for gender disappointments and bascially said i "don't agree with it being posted in this section" as do most other ladies, hence the comments on the posts!!
> I do not CARE if you do NOT agree with me either, it is my own personal view that it is posted in the wrong section!! Hence why i suggested it be closed (which you havent done) because you didnt agree to close it..Click to expand...

Poor girl is here looking for support. She's talking about a taboo but not banned subject.

And if you think her attitude about it is outrageous, well, I hope you don't get any postpartum depression because for the first 3 months of his life, I couldn't stand my little boy and hated my life!!! And I got nothing but support from girls here to get through it - rather than be cast away because I had some taboo thoughts about being a mother.


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## Wobbles

Beauty - All sections are for SUPPORT for all the emotions and roller-coasters expectant mothers come to face.

Yes we stop certain topics on the forum but seriously I bet you could find kinder and more helpful words than you think you could and actually be apart of a positive outcome, which MOST times happens.


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## JaniceT

I really hope you and your husband find the peace in mind and heart through this. Don't be discouraged any further than you are. I can understand that such a depression can stem from many reasons.

It took us a long time to have a baby, yet I know your ordeal. Half the world's culture prefer boys as the first child (many may disagree if they please) because where they come from, it is not a world of equality. It is a world of traditions and culture, where daily life is more aligned for the men and not women. It is a matter of survival for the male to care for the family.

In your case, it is a matter of preference. Some prefer girls just because the experience is absolutely more interesting when it comes to shopping and the relationship between mother and daughter. In your circumstance, you have your own reasons to prefer a boy.

If possible, take some time with your OH to go to the park and speak to parents of boys/girls let them share their experience with you. If you and your OH wish to try to embrace your daughter, then it is up to you both to make the first step.

We always thought we'd be getting a girl but are having a boy instead. I know nothing about having a boy but as a mother, i will learn. So will you, so take it one day at a time.

Wishing you the very best.


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## tigger867

Hi All,

I like to just say a small view about gender choice, i myself have three sweet girls, and expecting my fourth child, which i dont know what the gender is yet.
If im honest i love to have a boy, not just because i have three girls, but from the community i come from. Which is asian, they believe that a boy is the only gender that carry the family name and girls move on to other families and take the husbands name.
There are women out there where there husbands leave them just cos they cant give them a son, all cos of the family name to move forward. So you see, its not all because i want a girl or a boy, it can be more deeper than that. Im glad to say my husband will love me or what ever gender the baby is, but i know his family will give us grife,as he there only son.


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## lottie77

Hi first of all im sending you big huggs :hugs: i really feel for you and your hubby and the fact that you are both feeling guilt over your feelings about having a baby girl shows that you do care about this baby, and I suggest that you get straight to your gp and start to talk things through about how you feel before you both end up depressed and be as truthful as you can babes and hopefuly you and your hubby can begin to look foward to you girl being born with the help of proffesionals. Also you do not know how you are going to feel when baby is born or indeed how you will feel in the coming weeks and I really hope that you both will find joy when your girl is born :hugs: 
This is how you and your hubby feel and their is no shame in it Ive had similar feelings of guilt with this baby , not over gender but for not feeling much of anything as this baby was...... lets call it a huge surprise which was neither planned nor if I was totly honest wanted at the time, issues which I have talked through with my hubby and my gp/midwife and consultant and its made a huge impact in helping me and now I am looking fowarf to my 2nd girl being born.

Good luck with getting all the help you and your hubby need :hugs:


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## Eternal

lots of luck hun.

i was convinvced with my first it was a girl but when he was born it was a boy, i lay there really not knowing what to think. wasnt sure i could love a boy. but i most certainly do! 

im sorry you are scared about your husband leaving, i think that must be the hardest thing to deal with if i were you!

Im writting this watching my little boy dancing to music advert on the TV and cant think of anything more perfect, im so glad i had a boy even though i expected a girl. i know its not the same thing as really wanting one sex but this is your baby and she will be beautiful and perfect, your her mum and you WILL love her sooooo much!

you will cope, your a mum now and mums always cope when the going gets tough. give yourself some time, if your still struggling call your doctor/mw/someone to give you some support.


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## corrie anne

It is sad for you having a girl when wanting a boy. You and your husband wanted a boy, you are afraid of him leaving you because this child is a girl. These are things that are important to let your husband know. If he does not know what you fear, you are going to feel worse as the time of your delivery nears. Sit him down and let him know. Are you not wanting a girl because he does not want one? My father told my mother that he would leave her if i were not a girl, i of course, am and now she sometimes says she wishes i was a boy because they ended up divorcing anyways a couple of years down the road. And even if he does leave you, he is not the man that should bring up a child and be mean to her for not being that boy he wanted. You will have this child to love and care for on your own. 
I have 5 girls and a son. We were wanting a more even number of gender but this is what god gave us. I am please with the outcome and i do hope to have another son some day but if the baby ends up as another daughter, than i am fine with that. 
My 3rd daughter is named Addison. I named her, i loved the name, my husband likes to change the spelling of her name while doodling to say Add-a-son. I know that he would like more boys but it just does not work that way. 

You have a baby growing inside you, you feel her move, and heard her heart beat, she is real, she is you...She will be here soon but you still have time to adjust. 

If you feel that when the baby is born that you still have these feeling, you need to talk to someone about it because sometimes a child will not get the love it needs or even be tossed aside because of these feelings. You need to know how to deal with these feeling to make sure it wont effect the up bringing of your child. In most cases, after seeing the baby, feeling of disappointment parrish and love will replace it. 

The feelings you have are very normal. Do not feel like a bad person for the way you are thinking and feeling. Do not feel guilty for it, you will only make yourself feel worse. Your next baby could very well be a boy, or you will love that baby girl and hope the next one will be another girl too.

But before planning another child you need to know that these feeling will come up again but after going through it, you should know then how to handle it. Your OBGYN an refer you to speak to a councilor and you should not wait till you next appointment. This should be address now. 

I do not think you are a bad person, you have good intentions. Are are asking for help from us but the only real person that can help is yourself. You can take our advise and learn more about how you feel. Give it some time, make sure to talk with your husband about all the feelings you are having and work these things out. You both should feel much better after talking.


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## wishinforaboy

corrie anne: Thank you for the post, my husband and I have talked about this and he re-assures me that he will never leave me whether the baby is a girl or a boy but I still hold fears inside that I will resent the baby girl if something did happen. I'm just scared of having a girl and continuing to feel this way and he feels the same we dont want to have any guilt or depression once the baby comes.


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## Skydust

Hey, I think when she comes you will both be over the moon; if you are married you will have other children!! If your husband walks out; then he cannot love you and you need to be able to love your baby no matter the sex or it isn't fair on the baby. I knew someone who was desperate for a boy; she had two healthy girls and was told she could not carry boys. She insisted and got pregnant with a boy who was severely disabled; hun as long as it is healthy, that is what is important. You can have other children in the future. Wishing you the best x


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## Jkelmum

I never found out the sex of my 1st and i was only fourteen and always wanted a princess ...I guess because i was so young ...I had a boy ...and my first thought was its a boy what am i am gunna do with it :rofl: ...I can laugh now although it sounds awful it was a split second thought and i still fell madly in love with him and now he is a happy healthy 15 yr old strapping young man and we are very close ...good luck i am sure in time you will grow to love your little girl and grief over the boy u havent had xxx


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## kelzyboo

I'm so sorry you feel this way and i hope you find the right support, i would also love a boy but have a feeling it will be another girl. I think i will feel a little disappointed but i hope when i hold my new daughter that will just fall away, you will probably feel the same in the end don't beat yourself up about it, its natural to feel that way if you had a strong preference.

I don't think you will resent her, i think when she arrives those feelings will melt away as you fall in love with your daughter, i hope it does!! Maybe you will get a boy next, you never know.

I hope it works out for you xx


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## JaniceT

If your husband ever were to leave you because your child is a girl, then it is your husband's own doing. There is no reason to resent your daughter because she is not the reason for sad things happening. She didn't chose to be a girl.

For now, take the time to rediscover the joys of pregnancy and realign your thoughts on having a girl. In fact, you don't need to think its all pink and lace. Many bring up their daughters to love blue colour, bicycles and 'boyish' hobbies. It's a lot to do with how you refocus on your perception of gender. You can do it because you have all our support.


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## Miss_Mo

wishinforaboy said:


> As long as I can remember I always wanted a baby boy. My husband and I recently found out that we are having a girl we are both very depressed and saddened by this, we both don't know how we are going to raise a girl. one of my fears is that once the baby is born that my husband will walk out because he really really wants a boy and that I will resent the girl. We are both confused we feel guilt, depressed and don't know how to move forward from these feelings. I haven't even told my family because i'm so depressed and i really don't want to hear them saying that the little girl is going to be daddys girl i don't want anyone to judge us for how we feel we just need help before this baby is born.

Welcome to B&B!

First off I want to say you aren't alone by any means.

I just had my 20 wk scan on this past Thurs and was told that I was having a girl. It was a huge shock to my system as due to a long laundry list of reasons I was convinced I was having another boy. Needless to say I did/said some things on Thurs and Early Friday that I regret.

I'm still not jumping for joy at the fact that i am having a girl because honestly I feel like I'm paralyzed with fear but it's been a full 60 hours since I last had a crying jag about it. 

the ingender.com forum is a great place to visit for more information about GD.

My advice is to just sit down/lay down/make yourself comfortable, breathe and relax. Since both you and your partner are both suffering from GD maybe do something nice just the two of you. A movie and a dinner or cuddle up on the couch just something for the two of you to reconnect.

Once everyone is relaxed, I think you should share your fears w/ your hubby and hopefully he will share his as well. Once everything is out in the open, then as a team the two of you can move forward. I would totally leave family out of the equation for the moment as they can tend to complicate things.

Just remember that no matter what there is a wee baby who is counting on you when she arrives she'll be a completely unbiased little person who has no one else to count on but the two of you.


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## wishinforaboy

JaniceT said:


> If your husband ever were to leave you because your child is a girl, then it is your husband's own doing. There is no reason to resent your daughter because she is not the reason for sad things happening. She didn't chose to be a girl.
> 
> For now, take the time to rediscover the joys of pregnancy and realign your thoughts on having a girl. In fact, you don't need to think its all pink and lace. Many bring up their daughters to love blue colour, bicycles and 'boyish' hobbies. It's a lot to do with how you refocus on your perception of gender. You can do it because you have all our support.

My husband continues to tell me he will never leave me because he loves me and we will get over this.. we just need help overcoming this..


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## we can't wait

Hello. I want to start off by congratulating you on your pregnancy... while you may be struggling with it right now, it is still a very happy (and emotionally taxing) time. I have some experience dealing with gender disappointment. If it is alright, I'd like to share my sister's story with you.
My sister, Tanya, always said that she never wanted children. In late 2005 she got pregnant. She had a girl, and named her Lexi. Lexi was the center of her world for years. Although she never wanted children at all, she really came to embrace motherhood. The beginning of this year (2010) she found out that she was pregnant again. Again, she was not very happy about the pregnancy at first. Her boyfriend has three daughters: Lexi, and two from a previous relationship. When he found out about the pregnancy all he could talk about was "his boy." Tanya was terrified that if she was carrying a boy... that Ellis would ignore Lexi, who is a total daddy's girl. She wasn't worried about Ellis leaving her... so much as she was worried that he would accidentally break his daughter's heart. I was with her when she went for the gender scan. The sonographer told her that it was definitely a boy. Tanya cried the whole way home.
Austin was born September of 2010. I was the first one to hold him, the first one to feed him, the first one to change his diaper... my sister didn't want to hold him. It took about a week... but she finally warmed up to him. Ellis treats Austin the same as he treats Lexi. I don't know if it will continue once Austin is old enough to do 'boy things' with Ellis. But for now, everything that Tanya worried about... everything that kept her from enjoying her pregnancy.... never happened. Most of the time, the things that we worry about the most are things that never come to actually trouble us. As humans, we waste a lot of our time worrying about things that _could_ happen, but that will, most likely, never occer.

The point of my long and somewhat irrelevant story is that.... You WILL get past this. My sister LOVES both of her children... even though she was terribley depressed for the entire second half of her pregnancy & the beginning of her son's life. Try to look at all of the positives. Boys and Girls aren't that different really. The only things that separate them is their anatomy and their clothes. Lots of girls like to do the same things that little boys like to do. Try to have faith. You were meant to give birth to a beautiful girl. 
If your other half doesn't stick around, don't blame your baby. That child never asked to be born... and it never tried to cause you so much pain. This isn't the end of the world, although it may seem like it. You can always try again for another child. If you honestly can't bear to raise this baby... adoption is always a selfless and genuine option. 
I agree with the other ladies here. If you can, it may help to talk to a skilled professional who can help you both with your depression. Depression is very serious-- and you should definitely try to keep it at bay, especially while pregnant. Writing in a journal is also very helpful. You can express all of your feelings, and there is absolutely no one to judge you.
Given time, you will be happy about this, and so will your OH. All babies are precious blessings. I wish you the best of luck... and remember, others have gone through this... and you will make the right decisions for your baby. Good luck and many blessings.


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## Floralaura

Firstly I think you are brave for admitting your feeling (especially when you get a unwelcome vibe back of some!) there are many, many Parents (both Mums and Dads) who have experienced gender disappointment in some varying degree. 
With my 1st I wanted a Girl but from the day I saw the two lines i just knew He was A Boy and I was right, 2nd time around I was convinced I wsas having a Gilr and I was over the moon..I had a gender scan that confirmed to me that I was having a Little Girl, then my parnter made me have another as he didnt believe the scan..lo and behold there was my BOY. I was gutted, felt like I had actually lost my Daughter, had to go tell everyone that Isabel was now a Boy, my heart felt like it had been torn it two. I even blamed my OH for making me go back and check, like it was his doing. I took me a good few days to realised that I still had MY Baby, no matter what its gender was..my Baby was alive and healthy and that is what so many Ladies wish for. Now when I think about number 3 i do still get the pang of hoping that I get a Girl but I know now I will love and cherish that Baby no matter what. I know it may seem so hard now to belive that the future will be good but it will, when you have that Baby in your arms you will know that everything is ok. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me..x
Also just for the record I do not think this thread should be closed, things like this need to be talked about..it does happen, lots..and people need support and advice, not people to judge them..the longer it remains locked away the longer it remains taboo. People should NOT be scared to come here for advice!


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## Tiff

I wanted a boy when I first found out I was pregnant too. Girls terrified me, well teenage girls tbh and I didn't know how I would deal with one. Not to mention I have a very strained (at times) relationship with my own mother and I didn't want to have the same with a potential daughter.

I'm not going to lie, my heart sank a bit when they told me Claire was a girl. :nope: But then I got excited and it was okay. We actually had a bit of confusion as my Doctor got reports that the baby was a boy and not a girl... and by that point I was so used to calling the baby "she" and "her" that I was disappointed again with the thought of it being a boy! 

I think the advice of getting a counsellor is a good one. For both your husband and yourself to help you guys work through it. I love my girl and I would never trade her for the world, but it was an adjustment for me for sure. Someone trained might be able to help you guys dig down to the fundamental reasons why you aren't happy with the gender.

Take care and please don't let the other posts bother you. I had PPD as well when Claire was born and (like the other ladies have mentioned) I found this place a wealth of support and caring and helping me deal with the fact that I was totally overwhelmed with a newborn and being a mother in general.


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## topazicatzbet

welcome wishinforaboy, sorry you ve had a mixed welcome. 

i had always wanted 2 girls but when i fell pg with callum i just knew he was a boy, so i guess i was prepared when they told me he was, but a bit of me was still dissapointed but i went and bought all the boy things and i love my little man to bits but honestly i still want a girl, im hoping this one is, and i know if its another boy i will be a bit dissapointed again. 

give it time to get used to the idea, i bet you will both be doting on your little girl when she arrives.


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## JLFKJS

beauty said:


> There was a thread like this the other day!!
> Please can admin close this thread!!

Beauty if you don't like the thread quit poking your nose in it, no one forced you to open this thread or follow it! :growlmad:


I hope everything works out for you in the end, its not the first time that its happened to a woman. You may want to seek professional help and start looking at lots of pink stuff to warm you up to her. :hug:


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## Dragonfly

First off I am shocked. I never seen a gender disappointment thread before and I dont knopw what way to help. I cant say helpful things like go and look at things to cheer you up like girls clothes and pink things . Thats not going to work but all I can think of is you change your way of thinking and go to the long term ttc section in here, I dont mean that as cheeky but look in there and see how many would take any sex of a baby and then look how lucky you are. I am glad you have asked for help though as it concerns me you wont want your baby when its born. I hoep you can feel the excitement of having a baby regardless of the sex at some point for it is a great feeling, a happy healthy baby is all that matters and a gift.


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## trumpetbum

Firstly congrats. Can I just say that my eldest is the biggest tomboy in the world, girls don't always need to be pink princesses. If you and your OH are not into 'girly' pursuits then chances are that neither will your LO. Maybe a good way to come to terms with having a daughter would be to focus on her as your baby as opposed to baby girl, write down all the things that you think of when you think of a son and you might find that there are very few that can't be applied to a girl too, especially in this day and age. The few that can't can be something that you can look forward to if there is a son in your future. honestly, kids are such a treasure and teach us so much. I'm sure you will find parenthood awesome if you focus on the positives.
People always ask me if it feels different having a boy, but honestly it really doesn't as there's nothing i can do with him that I can't do with my girls.


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## Angelkissiz

beauty said:


> Wobbles said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> beauty said:
> 
> 
> I dont agree with admin on this i think it should be closed.. If BnB want open a gender disappointment section where they can post and direct them there, not in this section!!
> 
> I dont think anyone is being unhelpful there giving their own views..
> 
> Some ladies have taken years, heart ache to get here in 2nd trimster and i dont think a post like this is fair unless YOU expect to get views for others (which you may or may not agree with)
> 
> I've known ladies who have gone through hell and back to start their own family and still suffer gender disappointment.
> 
> This thread isn't for you to lay down how you think our forum should work nor do I care if you agree with me.Click to expand...
> 
> HENCE you not closing it, me not reading the posts anymore, i dont agree with this post 1 bit, and one was closed the other day for the same reason!!
> 
> 
> 
> I suggested a site for gender disappointments and bascially said i "don't agree with it being posted in this section" as do most other ladies, hence the comments on the posts!!
> I do not CARE if you do NOT agree with me either, it is my own personal view that it is posted in the wrong section!! Hence why i suggested it be closed (which you havent done) because you didnt agree to close it..Click to expand...

Then don't read it seriously quit making this thread all about yourself, this woman wants some support, not hateful words, get over it and move on!!!


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## kanga

I'm sorry that selfish people are hijacking your thread.

I'm even sorrier that you are feeling down about having a little girl. When I started ttc i was desperate for a girl (the opposite of you I know, but same principal!). My dh is one of 4 brothers. His brothers have only fathered boys. I really really wanted a girl i could bond with and I didnt know how I could look after a boy and was scared of rejecting him.

i would recommend counselling or that specific website as a starting point, that deals specifically with this. And see what the experts say.

With me, I have come round to having a boy or girl. Me and dh have talked about it a lot, together with my concerns. Talking has really helped. Do you have any friends with girls who you can drop round & see and ask them what it is like having a girl?

Girls can be very tomboy don't forget. It doesnt have to be pink items & dolls. I grew up with meccano & football and loved it! 

gl babe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## sjb1985

Hi hun. When i found out i was pregnant with Chloe me and my OH were convinced it was another boy, and were really hoping it was. We were that convinced that we picked a boys name but didnt even discuss girls ones. To be honest we were both wanting it to be another boy. When we were told she was a girl at the scan i felt awful, i really didnt want a girl. We halfheartedly talked about girls names and i tried as hard as i could to refer to her as her but it was hard. I felt no bond with the bump i was growing at all. We finally decided on a name the week before she was born, but in a way we were still trying to convince ourselves that she would come out a boy! 
Right the way through the pregnancy i just couldnt imagine us with a girl. 

Anyways the second she was born and layed in my arms i looked down at my beautiful girl and my heart melted. I love her more than anything and cant imagine her being a boy now! I said all along that i wasnt going to dress her in pink and now surprise suprise her whole wardrobe is full of pink, sparkles and glitter! Shes my little princess and a definate daddys girl! The man who said he definatly didnt want a girl is now the biggest soppy bollocks i have ever seen!

Anyways what im trying to say is dont feel bad about how you feel. It happens, and people that have never experienced it dont understand it. If your anything like me you will look down at your little lady and in an instant will wonder what you were worried about. 

xxx


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## MummyToAmberx

long as i can remember i wanted a boy.
when found out i were preg kept it surprized hoped whole pregnancy i was having i boy.
when my oldest popped out my heart sank, but as sooon as i seen her i was on cloud 9... how on earth could i be disappointed in such a tiny little gorgeous baby girl.

we tried again for a boy, my pregnancy totally different we had alot of hope got early scan were told was a girl, we both knew it deeep down i wont lie disappointment again. 
when she arrived she was perfect!!

i now cant pictiure my life with any sons, its girl power :)


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## Dream.A.Dream

Do you know what I find the most shocking about this thread, that a member has been so openly disrespectful to the admin and owner of the forum :nope:

OP- I suffered GD to some degree when I found out I was having a boy. I had always dreamed of a girl and everyone had convinced me I was having a girl. To try and "shield" myself from the disappointment I only ever looked at boys stuff and always referred to him as "he" before my gender scan just incase. After a day or so I came round to having a boy. When your LO is here I'm sure you will bond :hugs: xx


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## pip holder

OP :hugs:
An awful situation for you to be in. This is why I don't agree with gender scans to some extent :nope: it's hard to imagine the strength of feelings you're going to have when you see that little face for the first time :cloud9: :cloud9: you won't care if it's a boy/girl/monkey :haha: but when you get told whilst pregnant, feelings of resentment and worry can build.

Just trust in your hubby when he says he loves you and isn't going anywhere too, you'll get through this - I agree that you should go and look at some fun baby things - not pink or blue but just 'baby' things, get excited and have fun, you're going to be a mummy :happydance: :happydance:

Welcome to BnB too :hugs:


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## MikaylasMummy

i am sorry you have had such harsh words from some members about your dissapointment..i think this sort of thing is rarely carried on once babies are born and most people will set eyes on their bub and fall in love.i think what people said about counselling could be very beneficial to you and your husband to help you understand and work through your feelings..please give it a go!
also wouldnt your husband leaving you if its a girl be totally pointless as its the male chromosome that determines the gender??glad he has reassured you that this wont happen..all the best and i hope you begin to love ur little princess as u would a boy.xx


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## wispa86

firstly telling someone that is struggling with any part of pregnancy to go and see people worse off than them is shocking. yes someone is always worse off in every situation but that doesnt mean that people have no right to be upset or worried about something! i freaked out about how quickly i fell pregnant this time around and yes i am lucky compared to people that try for years but it doesnt mean i have no right to worry or be upset!

back to OP, im sorry that you are feeling this way, its good that you have found out because now you have some time to get used to the idea before she is here. this time around i really needed the baby to be a girl. my hubby has said no more babies and ive always dreamed of at least one of each so i get to do the best bits of both genders. i wound myself up something chronic for weeks and weeks thinking it was a girl and that i couldnt love another boy. everyone around me was convinced it was a girl and then i went for my 20 week scan they couldnt tell me. i was devastated so my hubby booked a private gender scan for me. when they said boy my heart sank but i kept it together because i didnt want the sonographer to know i was disappointed. instead of focusing on the bad i focused on all the good things about having a boy. now i am absolutely over the moon and i can not wait to meet my new little man, i think if he came out a girl id end up mourning a son that never existed.

like everyone said try and be positive and look at girly things and plan things for a girl, steer well clear of the boy things. perhaps see a counseller like people have suggested and just cherish that u have made a healthy baby.


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## 1stimemommi

dont be sad as soon as the baby comes all of those feelings will probably disappear. maybe theres a god out there who has a different plan for the both of you...i personally believe that everything happens for a reason. good luck girl keep your head up and take care of your little girl.


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## baby05

Hi, Wishingforaboy.

I deal with gender disappointment by find out as early in the pregnancy as possible, so I have more than enough time to adjust, in case my baby is ( yet again) not the gender I was hoping for. 
Often I wonder if any of my miscarriages were a girl. I wonder if the ones that I lost were my only chance.
This time I was really hoping for a girl, I think you are very very lucky IMO. But I get how you would want a boy too. 
It has been 2 months since we found out the baby is not the gender I had hoped for. I still get sad when I see the cute girl clothes. When I feel sad about it, I try to remember the positive things though. Even if the baby isnt healthy ( not all are) I will love the baby. And I will work my butt off to give the baby the best possible life.

I am sure you will Love your LO too. Right now we just have a picture in our minds of what they will be like as they grow up. But each child is special and we love them for the person they are regardless of gender.

I am grateful that I am able to find out early enough that I have time to accept reality for what it is! If I had to wait till the baby was born I would be a mess, 9 months of hoping and hoping and hoping, and this would be my 5th "disappointment"!!!!
But now that I know, and I have time to adjust and by the time LO is born, I will be able to give the baby all the love that she/he deserves!


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## aliss

Nice to see this has continued with some great support for her!


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## sequeena

OP all will be ok. When you see your daughter you will forget all your worries/guilt/depression/disappointment I'm sure :hugs:


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## Eliza_V

First off, welcome to BnB and congrats on your pregnancy.

Right.. I think everyone needs to lay off her. Gender disappointment/depression is recognised, and everyone may not agree with it (just as some people believe that depression itself doesn't exist, along with some chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia etc, and even IBS.. Everyone has their own opinions) but she has not come on here for abuse, she has come on _here for help and advice._

Yes, there are some women who have been trying for years and would be happy with a baby whatever sex it may be, of course we appreciate that. But that doesn't mean that everyone else has to tread on eggshells either. I work in an IVF clinic, and we do all that we can do make sure that these women are in a happy and safe environment, including feeling the need to hide our own pregnancies to avoid any upset which I don't feel is right. I didn't feel the need to shave my head when I took my Mother to chemotherapy just in case herself or the other patients looked at someone with their hair in envy (my Mum did do that sometimes as she loved my hair). As harsh as it sounds, there are things that disappoint and upset us everywhere and although some are unavoidable, we can _choose_ not to look and get ourselves upset even further. If you don't agree with this thread, you didn't _have_ to look.

Parts of this forum are somewhat beginning to resemble Yahoo Answers, whereby if someone asks something contraversial or "out there" they are considered a troll or hounded with abuse. People should NOT have to live in fear of asking for help, whatever the problem may be. What's next, pointing out spelling and grammar mistakes for the sake of an argument?

Anyway, to the original poster, I'm sorry you feel so much disappointment. There are plenty of support groups out there, and there are some people on here that are willing to help you and offer advice I'm sure. I don't know the gender of my baby yet, and although I am leaning towards one sex over the other I honestly don't know if I'll be disappointed or not if it doesn't work out the way I am hoping for. I've seen from experience though that a few do get initially disappointed, but them warm to the idea once they've had a look through some of the gender-related toys/clothes/etc. and almost certainly once they've held their baby for the first time. It might also be worth thinking about what it is about having this particular gender that frightens you or puts you off, and seeing if you can tackle those problems head-on with your partner and family - don't be afraid to tell them. You have been brave enough to ask for help in what is a contraversial subject, so you are definately strong enough to overcome your fears and love this little one as much as you would if it had worked out differently.

xx


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## NuKe

welcome to bnb and congrats! im sorry some people have been so unhelpful and unsupportive. I can understand your feelings, my oh and i really REALLY wanted a little girl, but we got one. Tbh I think I would have suffered from gender disappointment to some degree if we had had a boy. I've just never imagined myself with a baby boy? 

*at least you won't get pee'd in the face when changing a nappy!* :hugs:


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## allyk

i am sitting here reading this absoloutly gob smacked at some peoples responses... surely this forum is all about openess and being able to ask questions and state own opinions... without having to worry about prejudice or being judged!! anyway think enough people have made this point clear!!! 

I just wanted to say that i was absolutly desperate for a boy, (always believed my 1st should be a boy, with a girl to follow!!) so when i fell pregnant i automatically got myself into the i'm having a boy pattern calling it he looking at boys stuff, oh was also really looking forward to having a boy (he already has 2 girls!) but when we had 20 week scan i asked sonographer who said she thought it was a girl, i really hit rock bottom, and was so upset.. OH was great though he said its fine... but deep down in my heart i still desperatly want her to be a boy, (i've even gone as far as not buying too much pink and trying to stay neutral with colours) just in case my hopes comes true and the sonosgrapher was wrong!!!

Dont get me wrong i am sooo excted about having a baby just think deisappointment is always going to happen as this is something we do not have control over... I wasnt aware that there were councillers for this subject but i would definatly advise going to talk to someone about it someone who is not involved and will not judge you!!! 

I wish you the best of luck for everything


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## xxxjacxxx

To the OP- I think you need :hugs: firstly. So many harsh comments from people too quick to judge I think. 
Although I have not experienced this to your extent, I beleive everybody has the right to a voice even if the subject matter could offend.....I really hope you can sort this out somehow as I also beleive babies are a blessing regardless of gender:flower:

So to everyone that doesn't seem to have anything constructive to say, you know where your back button is:thumbup:


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## Aunty E

I thought that I didn't mind at all what this one was, having a had a VERY strong preference for a girl in my first pregnancy. I was wrong. When i found out Teddy was a boy, I suddenly realised that I had assumed we'd have another girl, I had picked out a name, I could totally see my life with two daughters. I'm still not all that on board with having a boy to be frank. And it's good that I know now, because if it's taken me 13 weeks to get to the point where I'm occasionally happy that Teddy is a boy, I dread to think what my feelings would have been like if I had found out when he was born. I'm sure that I'm going to adore my little boy when he's born, and it's not like I would swap him for your little girl ;) But there's nothing wrong with being disappointed. And don't let anyone make you feel bad. Just try and work through your feeelings of sadness with your OH and take care of yourself.

Oh, and picking out the name was what finally started me feeling better about things. Maybe that could be a place for your and your OH to start.


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## stucknthecity

Skydust said:


> Hey, I think when she comes you will both be over the moon; if you are married you will have other children!! If your husband walks out; then he cannot love you and you need to be able to love your baby no matter the sex or it isn't fair on the baby. I knew someone who was desperate for a boy; she had two healthy girls and was told she could not carry boys. She insisted and got pregnant with a boy who was severely disabled; hun as long as it is healthy, that is what is important. You can have other children in the future. Wishing you the best x



Not to be intruding but there is no such genetic disorder that causes a woman not to be able to carry one sex or the other. The sex of a baby is determined by the fathers contribution. The fetus will develop sex organs beginning in the 10th week and will be visible by ultra sound technologies by the 18th week. A woman's body will not suddenly start attacking the baby just because it has a penis or vagina. Also when you say severely disabled that can mean a number of things, chromosomal abnormalities , birth defects , birth trauma , what is it that was disabled about the baby boy? Again I am not trying to be rude but in a post like this where things have gotten heated and all she is looking for is a little support this statement stuck out like a sore thumb to me.


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## Eliza_V

stucknthecity said:


> Not to be intruding but there is no such genetic disorder that causes a woman not to be able to carry one sex or the other. The sex of a baby is determined by the fathers contribution. The fetus will develop sex organs beginning in the 10th week and will be visible by ultra sound technologies by the 18th week. A woman's body will not suddenly start attacking the baby just because it has a penis or vagina. Also when you say severely disabled that can mean a number of things, chromosomal abnormalities , birth defects , birth trauma , what is it that was disabled about the baby boy? Again I am not trying to be rude but in a post like this where things have gotten heated and all she is looking for is a little support this statement stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

Correct in that the genetic disorder wouldn't lie with the pregnant mother necessarily, it would lie with the father though (if it's a sex-linked recessive genetic disorder then they would both have to be carriers though). There are some genetic conditions which mean that being pregnant with a baby of a particular sex would result in some form of disability, or even a self-termination. This is why PGD is done in some clinics for predetermined gender selection, as a baby of a certain gender would not carry to term with a particular genetic condition (such as full-blown haemophillia with a female embryo - as the sex of the embryo is determined from conception).

It's a confusing subject, and it all depends whether it's X-linked recessive/dominant, Y-linked recessive/dominant, whether both parents are carries of said potential condition etc etc.. I think what someone is saying can easily be misinterpreted. I haven't studied it for years so my knowledge is pretty rusty, but what she is getting at is technically possible. xx


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## MikaylasMummy

stucknthecity said:


> Skydust said:
> 
> 
> Hey, I think when she comes you will both be over the moon; if you are married you will have other children!! If your husband walks out; then he cannot love you and you need to be able to love your baby no matter the sex or it isn't fair on the baby. I knew someone who was desperate for a boy; she had two healthy girls and was told she could not carry boys. She insisted and got pregnant with a boy who was severely disabled; hun as long as it is healthy, that is what is important. You can have other children in the future. Wishing you the best x
> 
> 
> 
> Not to be intruding but there is no such genetic disorder that causes a woman not to be able to carry one sex or the other. The sex of a baby is determined by the fathers contribution. The fetus will develop sex organs beginning in the 10th week and will be visible by ultra sound technologies by the 18th week. A woman's body will not suddenly start attacking the baby just because it has a penis or vagina. Also when you say severely disabled that can mean a number of things, chromosomal abnormalities , birth defects , birth trauma , what is it that was disabled about the baby boy? Again I am not trying to be rude but in a post like this where things have gotten heated and all she is looking for is a little support this statement stuck out like a sore thumb to me.Click to expand...

i know there are particular genetic disorders that only or mainly affect males and cause severe disability which i am assuming could cause miscarriage in pregnancy if the problem is severe..my oh's little cousin was born with muscular distrophy and im pretty sure this predominantly affects males and there is a high chance your child will have it if you and your partner have the gene..maybe this is the sort of thing she is referring to;


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## MikaylasMummy

vixiepoo said:


> stucknthecity said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not to be intruding but there is no such genetic disorder that causes a woman not to be able to carry one sex or the other. The sex of a baby is determined by the fathers contribution. The fetus will develop sex organs beginning in the 10th week and will be visible by ultra sound technologies by the 18th week. A woman's body will not suddenly start attacking the baby just because it has a penis or vagina. Also when you say severely disabled that can mean a number of things, chromosomal abnormalities , birth defects , birth trauma , what is it that was disabled about the baby boy? Again I am not trying to be rude but in a post like this where things have gotten heated and all she is looking for is a little support this statement stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
> 
> Correct in that the genetic disorder wouldn't lie with the pregnant mother necessarily, it would lie with the father though (if it's a sex-linked recessive genetic disorder then they would both have to be carriers though). There are some genetic conditions which mean that being pregnant with a baby of a particular sex would result in some form of disability, or even a self-termination. This is why PGD is done in some clinics for predetermined gender selection, as a baby of a certain gender would not carry to term with a particular genetic condition (such as full-blown haemophillia with a female embryo - as the sex of the embryo is determined from conception).
> 
> It's a confusing subject, and it all depends whether it's X-linked recessive/dominant, Y-linked recessive/dominant, whether both parents are carries of said potential condition etc etc.. I think what someone is saying can easily be misinterpreted. I haven't studied it for years so my knowledge is pretty rusty, but what she is getting at is technically possible. xxClick to expand...

woops didnt see your post before i answered sorry but this is exactly what i was getting at


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## Anicole10

Welcome and sorry for the responses you received from some of the women. Up until 20 weeks I was SURE I was having a boy. Even had names and a few outfits for the little guy only to find out we were having a little girl. Both my OH and I were silent when the sonogram tech broke the news. I secretly put a smile on my face and went about my day because I felt ashamed that I was somewhat disappointed. It took a few days and a few chats with my OH and mother before I became excited. I went out and bought a few outfits and some gender specific things...it even helped to name my daughter FINALLY (Nahla :). I can somewhat understand where you're coming from and I can only hope that once she arrives you wont resent her. It sounds like you and your OH have a good stable relationship and maybe just taking time for the two of you and discussing it will help. Everyone is right, having a baby regardless of gender is a blessing and exciting thing and raising a girl vs a boy shouldn't change when it really and truly comes down to it. Instilling proper morals and values as well as love shouldn't ever change with gender. I wish you the best.

As for everyone pointing fingers and being down right evil...think with your heart before your emotions. Each of us got to this point after traveling down different roads. Don't take your own frustrations and sadness out on someone else as you don't know their road and troubles!


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## corrie anne

I am glad you two were able to talk. It is important for you two to be on the same page and knowing what each other is feeling. You know that this baby is a girl. Give her that title. It made it easier by always saying her,she,girl other than saying this baby,the baby, that baby..... It makes it more real when referring the to her as she is. You dont have to name her just yet but that does help too. 
You are brave! Never feel guilty for your feelings, they are valid ones. Only time will tell how you will feel in the future, this thread is just a short fix if any. It will soon be in the mix of other pages and be forgotten by others but your feeling can very well be fresh in your mind daily. You know your mind and know how far it can take you, just to realize when you have a problem that wont go away and knowing when it is time to have a talk with a professional. Never feel like a failure and a horrible person b/c you have to talk to someone. Most people i know do. 

It is the people that have problems that dont get the help that worries me.

I hope that this thread does not change your mind about the online communication with other people and hope you get much use out of BNB. I dont post much anymore just more of a lurker but when i see someone that is having a problem, i will speak up and try to help as best i can.


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## PrayinForBaby

i'm not reading the whole thread...just wanted to give :hugs: and tell you girls are WONDERFUL! you'll see...soon you wont be able to imagine not being mommy to a little princess!


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## tasha41

I read a lot of negative respones and wanted to send you some hugs. :hugs: We all have our own challenges to work through, and feeling this way now doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum or love your child any less.. I think we can all relate to getting excited for something that doesn't end up happening. 

When I was pregnant, EVERYONE told me I was having a boy and I was so distressed, my doctor thought so, relatives thought so, even my OH until I was about 23 weeks, but I was desperate to have a girl. I thought for sure I was having a girl but other people caused me to doubt my instincts.. then at the 19-20wk ultrasound, the tech couldn't tell the gender, so I was devastated. I found out at 25wks, and I was elated that I was getting the girl I had hoped for.

Of course we are thankful our babies are healthy. Of course we understand we are lucky and blessed to be pregnant at all. I am sorry you've gotten so much patronizing 'advice', honestly I apologize so much for the unkindness, I know it doesn't help, it just makes you feel like more shit for feeling how you do.. like there is something wrong with you or you're a bad person. Gender disappointment isn't totally in your control, it's your knee-jerk emotional reaction.. perhaps you always dreamed you'd have a boy first when you were thinking about your future family. 

I think it would benefit you to look at girls' toys, clothes, nursery themes.. maybe list off some of the fun things you'll do with your little girl someday like ballet lessons maybe or sleepovers with her friends. It is an amazing experience being the mum of a girl, in a way you get to do a lot of the things you loved in your childhood and the things you didn't get around to <3


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## debbie7155

Ive just come across this thread..
I just want to hug you right now & say there is help out there for you, i suffer with very bad depression, i receive counselling weekly & social services are supporting me to, & i dont care what people think of me, as long as someone IS supporting you, thats all that matters..

please get professional help it truly does make a difference...one step at a time though ok.. even when we have bad days good ones will follw xx


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## ChristinaRN

Wishingforaboy- I have never been in your shoes so I don't have a lot to offer except for this thought to ponder.....if your OH's love is so shallow that he'd leave if it's a girl....maybe it's for the best. It's not like you got to pick and you did this on purpose! TOGETHER this is what you created....and technically it IS the sperm that determines the gender anyways. I am sorry that you are experiencing gender disappointment on top of a potential loss of a relationship.:hugs:


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## nkbapbt

Hi,

Welcome to BNB, first off I am truly sorry about some of the replies you received. I won't harp on this point, but I do want to say that even if some of us may not understand or even agree, even if we have very strong feelings towards a topic being discussed here on BNB. We all need to remember we are all here for different reasons, and yet we are all here as well for the EXACT SAME REASON....*SUPPORT*.

No one is asking anyone to fully support nor understand how the OP feels, however I think we can ALL relate to sadness or disappointment in our pregnancies. So instead of focusing on the exact topic, if you cannot relate to it personally, try relating on a different front. 

Try to remember we are all here for support. 

Back to you OP....I am sorry you are feeling this way, I too some what I felt disappointment when I found out our first child was a little boy. I was so unsure how I could possibly care, relate, play with even, emotionally bond to a boy. I have had less than stellar relationships with men, from my biological father, to my adopted one, to not being very close with my own much older brother. 

I felt very ill equipped to raise a boy. Top that off with the fact my family (mostly my real mom and adoptive mom) wanted a girl, so badly because there are two grandsons already. I felt a lot of pressure (as I do with this pregnancy) to have a girl.

However, my son was born 17 weeks early at 23.4 weeks. I had other things to worry about after that then what gender he was. I cannot say I felt that instant love, because I saw him for two seconds and he was rushed away to see if they could even save his life. When I finally could see him and touch him he was too fragile and critical, that I could only touch my finger tips to his tissue paper thin skin. He hated being touched because his skin was not fully developed and it hurt him.

I had to wait over a month to hold him. When I finally did, it was a complete circle. He was mine, I loved him wholly.

Though there wasn't instant love, I of course loved/love him..more than I could even begin to express to you. It was the situation of course that stopped the instant love. Raising a boy is so much fun, he is my best bud, he is a momma's boy to the fullest, he has been a delight to raise.

So much so...that I want another boy! I am now having the same feelings I did with him for this baby, scared they might be a girl! 

I truly think it's normal to have these feelings to a certain degree, I think it's also a lot more common than anyone will admit that even people struggling to conceive or who have losses, do not have some gender preference. It's human nature, it's not taboo in my mind. 

It's alright to be scared, it's alright to question yourself. 

I think the other ladies gave some really good advice. I would try it and if it doesn't work, maybe do talk to someone about it. 

I hope you come to terms with everything soon. Good luck!


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## pinklightbulb

Hi hun. Just wanted to send some :hugs: and was going to mention in-gender as well like some other ladies have. I have never suffered from GD but I did have a preference for a boy for my OH as he had his heart set on a son. (He already had one and only felt he knew what to do with boys. That and he didn't think he'd make a good 'girl' daddy.) So in case we found out we were having a girl I looked up GD and how to deal with it for him. They are lovely women over there and are so supportive and understanding of each other. You would be made most welcome hun. Give them a try, they will all know exactly how you feel right now.


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## MangoCoconut

HUGS. 

I wont ever judge anyone for how they feel, everyone is entitled to their feelings and I want you to know that there are a lot of people who have felt the same way. You are not alone


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## helloeveryone

Didn't want to read and run,,
go to the shops and start looking and buying some girls clothes,,
There is so much more choice for girls than boys...
Let us know when you feel better about having a girl because you will love having a girl,,They are lovely, I've got 3 ....
Good luck...:hugs:


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## Ember

So sorry you've been treated so horribly on here! We had a couple threads the other day about this subject and they were all perfectly civil and not nasty at all, so I assure you it is entirely possible. Unfortunately, there are some people out there that just can't help but say mean things to people that they don't agree with, even after being warned previously (and multiple times) to keep it to themselves and not attack others! I assure you we are not all like this! BnB is the most supportive forum I have found. We are a family here and we support each other. Every family has a few crazies that ruin get-togethers once in a while right?

On the topic, I completely understand your feelings and agree that seeing a counselor would help greatly if you are unable to overcome these feelings by simply talking them out with your OH. And from stories from other women that have experienced GD, most of them either bond with their baby over the rest of their pregnancy and forget all about their GD by the time of the birth, or they instantly fall in love after delivery and that's when it all goes away. Those that it does not magically happen for were always able to overcome it with counseling and possibly medication if it leads to PPD. I am about two weeks away from finding out the gender of my baby, and am terrified it will be a boy. Not so much because I'm afraid of having a boy, but because I want a girl so badly that I am afraid I won't bond with my son and that I will feel the way you are feeling now, or the way Miss Mo did a few days ago. After 4 years of TTC, I feel very guilty for having a preference either way, but I know that it isn't wrong. It's just natural. OH supports me no matter what, and I know that with his help, I will get through it.

I hope you and OH are able to overcome this together and be the happiest parents on the block (as long as you don't live on my block )! Wishing you the best of luck! We are always here for you if you need us!


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## storm4mozza

Hey first off congratulations =). 
secondly, my fiancee always wanted a girl whilst i always wanted a boy. Though his feelings changed when he realised we were expecting a boy, i understand that not everyones opinions change. Im sure your husband wont leave when the baby is born, you will most likely see her and realise that, boy or girl its your precious child and im sure you will love her just as much, i have a few friends who were worried they wouldnt be able to bond with a certain gender of baby but alot of them have overcome it as im sure you and your husband will. The most important thing is that she is safe, happy and healthy. Plus next time you may have a girl. My friend has 3 boys, she is now pregnant again and hoping to have a girl as she miscarried a girl before, but she managed to bond and love her boys im sure you will be no different.

Plus no offence to alot of the ladies here but as the admin said people are entitled to an opinion and its a support forum not one to criticize people we dont agree with 

goodluck with your daughter x


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## mrscookie

NuKe said:


> welcome to bnb and congrats! im sorry some people have been so unhelpful and unsupportive. I can understand your feelings, my oh and i really REALLY wanted a little girl, but we got one. Tbh I think I would have suffered from gender disappointment to some degree if we had had a boy. I've just never imagined myself with a baby boy?
> 
> **at least you won't get pee'd in the face when changing a nappy!** :hugs:

 
:lol: thats a good advantage!! xx


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## tabitha561

Let me first tell you I don't think people should be rude or anything like that. I have never myself experience gender disappoitment. I found yesterday we are having a girl ,but I really didn't care what it was anyway. I think maybe you need to talk to your OH how he feels. My family is all girls, I have two neices and 6 girl cosins on my father side. I just think about it like this, Me and My husband have never had a girl there are not many girls on his side of the family. In time I think you will accept it. You will take one look at her and fall in love. Just think of how many things you can show her what to do, and how many really cute things you can buy for her! :)


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## AppleBlossom

Only read the first few pages of this.

I know women who have struggled and are still struggling to even concieve at all. But there is nothing wrong with gender disappointment. This thread doesn't need locking. It's a real thing, it happens. There's no need for it to be so hush hush. It's a rare thing and so hardly needs it's own forum. The title clearly showed what this thread was going to be about, if you can't offer any constructive help or are against the fact that GD exists then you don't even have to open the thread, never mind comment.

To OP, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You need to remember that as long as your baby is healthy then gender needn't be an issue. Once you've given birth and seen her little face you will fall in love with her and all these feelings will disappear. Maybe try going to a clothes store and picking out some nice dresses or something. It might help you feel you have more of a bond with her :hugs:


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## coccyx

This is a baby that you and other half have created, it is part of you. 
To say you are both very depressed is sad to read, you will have to accept it and move on and embrace your daughter.
If you are so devastated then this is something you need to deal with before you go on to have more children


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## noagalefron

I recently had a similar reaction, although it was about not having a girl.

We have two boys at home and lost a girl to cancer three years ago. I really wanted a girl this pregnancy because at the age of 41 I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again. 

The disappointment also cause me to relive mourning the loss of a girl.

However ever after time I remembered that although many parents are disappointed that they did not get the desired sex during pregnancy they are never disappointed after. 
I believe that there is a reason it is a boy and not a girl. I guess no one can replace my angel daughter.

Noa


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## PeanutBean

Wow 10 pages in a day, is this a record for a member's first thread? :hugs: to you wishingforaboy, sounds like you need them. Pretty stunned by some of the responses, it's really not normally like that on this forum and I hope you'll stick around to see that.

I wanted a girl. In my son's generation there were two girl and 7 boys when I was pregnant. DH and I both felt we didn't really want a family of all boys so hoped for a girl first off so we could relax about gender. It didn't work out that way and we wanted boys too. It meant the pressure was on this time though so we found out at the 20 week scan and have been told it's a girl. Initially I was so overjoyed I cried then I immediately felt consumed with guilt as if I'd betrayed my son by wanting a girl. It was weird!

I think to whatever extent it is entirely normal to have some feelings about the gender, one way or another. I think you need to ask yourselves what it is about having a boy that makes you want one so bad and challenge the gender stereotypes you perhaps hold. Girls and boys are really not all that different and most of it comes down to how you treat them. I am sure that when that baby arrives you will both be so overwhelmed you won't think about the gender.

I do think it's important to take the time now to challenge your feelings, together as a couple, because what is really a shame is when boys and girls in the same family get treated very differently because of a preference for one or another. But there's time for you to talk this through and come out the other side.

My SIL and brother have 5 boys and I am sure the 5th, born this summer, was hoped to be a girl. It's clear my brother's girl sperm just don't work. My SIL loves her boys and I think alternates in her feelings. Sometimes I think she was probably relieved the 5th was a boy and then when she found out I'm having a girl she spitefully said "well now your mother will be happy" which is nonsense has my mum has absolutely no issues about the gender of her grandchildren other than surprise that I was able to create a girl!

Parenting is complex and sometimes you won't be happy about how your LO is turning out but that's where the unconditional love comes in. It has to transcend gender and I'm sure it will for you. Give yourself a break, then talk stuff through. Good luck!


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## emilyjean

I don't really have advice as I haven't gone through it yet. I just wanted to say that I'm struggling with infertility and I still KNOW that I'll have a twinge of disappointment if I have a boy. I want a healthy happy baby, but at the same time, I so hope that happy baby is a girl. It's not that I don't want a boy, it's that I've wanted a little girl my entire life. If I have a girl first, I'll be happy with whatever else I get, boys or girls, I just want to KNOW that I have my girl. 

So the 'people are struggling with IF' thing is bull. People that want so badly to get pregnant can still want a certain gender and be depressed/upset when they don't get it.


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## linsayp

When you get pregnant there is a 50/50 chance that you will have a boy OR a girl. When the baby comes I'm sure you won't be so upset (and I really hope you won't)
I'm afraid you are just going to have to get used to the fact that you are having a little girl as no amount of wishing is going to change it.
Good luck, I hope that soon you will be in a better place about all this.
Just think about the miracle growing in your tummy and think about the beautiful little girl you will have! Think about all the people wishing they were in your position right now after years of trying for a baby or having lost a child. I can't imagine how hard it must be for any of them accidentally stumbling upon your thread.
You are very lucky to be pregnant full stop, I just really hope your daughter won't grow up resented because she was born the wrong gender, by you or your husband.

Good luck.


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## GersPrincess

Hi there,

I am so sorry both you and your husband feel like this. It must be a truely horrid feeling, I won't pretend I know how you feel but I can empathise with you. 
I really would recommend speaking to some form of counsellor about this. The sooner you can learn to if not overcome your disappointment, but at least learn to come to terms with it, the sooner you can bond with your baby. Its an entirely different situation, but I remained on team yellow with my second child, purely because she was in a rubbish position. I found it impossible to bond with her during my pregnancy, and for months afterwards too, which unfortunately landed me with pretty severe postnatal depression. So I have a little experience with not being able to bond with your baby for whatever reason.

I have to say though (and I'm sorry girls!) If your feelings are so strong about this, I don't honestly think that choosing girls names and looking at pretty outfits is going to help either of you overcome this. I wish I was able to offer you some real advice, I just hope that there are others on here who are in a better position to offer you advice and support, or that your GP is able to refer you to somebody so that you and your husband can talk through all your feelings with someone completely impartial and help you to come to terms with this.

I wish you all the best for the rest of your journey to motherhood, and I hope that you can be a happy family when your daughter arrives xx


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## wispa86

just thought id pop back and add - when you have a baby boy, you only really have him until he flies the nest, when you have a baby girl you will always have her. she will always come home and will be calling you for advice. when a son gets married its all down to his wife and his mother in law.


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## Lucy Lu

Wow I just found this thread. Wanted to thank you for being brave enough to post it - I've found some of the comments on here a great source of comfort. I've held back talking about gender disappointment on here up until this point as I worried about feeling alienated and members getting the wrong impression of me. I think it takes some guts to admit what you have, and I think it's a really good step towards finding your peace with it. I know people who are adamant they never had gender disappointment, but you can't help but think by looking at them and some of their actions that just maybe they have some pent up feelings of something missing that would have been better for them to confront years ago.

I have a little boy and he is my whole life - I would of course never change anything about him for the world. We are TTCing our second now and I'm scared - actually terrified - of having even a second's disappointment if I learn I am having another boy. It's actually turned into more of a fear of being disappointed, than a fear of having a boy per se. I don't want to feel any disappointment in my future child - I would feel so guilty and awful. However, my whole life I have always pictured myself with a daughter. And I have to say I'm not sure how well I will accept it if I never have a daughter.

I don't want to offend anyone who has had infertility issues, as I could never imagine how painful that must be, but I wonder sometimes if it is a bit idealistic to say you never had any sense of gender disappointment, particularly for those with 2 or more children of the same sex. I think there are more women out there who genuinely do have a preference either way, but don't feel they can be open about it and provoke the kind of negative reaction towards them (like some of the comments in this thread) and what kind of mother they will or do make.

I am rambling now, but basically I wanted to say I totally feel for you, and hope you find your peace. I'm sure when your little girl arrives, the second you look at her, your heart will melt x


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## Ember

Lucy Lu said:


> I'm scared - actually terrified - of having even a second's disappointment if I learn I am having another boy. It's actually turned into more of a fear of being disappointed, than a fear of having a boy per se. I don't want to feel any disappointment in my future child - I would feel so guilty and awful. However, my whole life I have always pictured myself with a daughter. And I have to say I'm not sure how well I will accept it if I never have a daughter.

This is exactly how I feel, too.


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## Tiff

wispa86 said:


> just thought id pop back and add - when you have a baby boy, you only really have him until he flies the nest, when you have a baby girl you will always have her. she will always come home and will be calling you for advice. when a son gets married its all down to his wife and his mother in law.

My Mom used to always say to to me:

"A son is a son until he takes a wife however a daughter is a daughter for life."

Although not sure how reassuring that is to some people... but just thought I'd add that I have heard the same thing.


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## Aunty E

linsayp said:


> Think about all the people wishing they were in your position right now after years of trying for a baby or having lost a child. I can't imagine how hard it must be for any of them accidentally stumbling upon your thread.

Erm, it's an appropriately titled thread, I hope anyone who might be upset by it would choose not to open it.


It's not actually a 50/50 chance. Some families run strongly to one gender or another, my husband's family hadn't had a girl born in over a hundred years and I was distraught at the thought I might not have a daughter. We were very very lucky and got our girl first, but there's nothing wrong with being disappointed that you got one gender not another. I'm sure the OP will feel better when she holds her LO in her arms, but right now making her feel bad for feelings she can't help is no use at all. 

I'm very aware people struggle to conceive, that doesn't really make me feel any better when I'm struggling with pregnancy, or hormones, or morning sickness or gender disappointment, it makes me feel worse. This poor girl needs support and comfort, not a guilt trip.


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## Hayley90

I haven't and wont read the other replies, just gonna add my 2pence...

I know how you feel OP!
Except, in reverse. I dreamed of a girl, from day 1, and then i found i was having a boy, and started to plan my next pregnancy... im serious!

Harrison is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and your little girl will be too. You will have that rush of love, you will do absolutely anything for your little one, and you will love her as much as you would a boy. 

People used to look at me like i was mad when they heard "gender disappointment" - they thought i hated Harrison, or that I was disappointed in HIM. But im not, and never have been. Im disappointed with what i HAVENT got. 

You can compare it to christmas really...or any other time when you receive something. You get a heap of amazing presents, but that 1 little thing you wanted wasnt there. Everything else is amazing but that little bit of you cant help but think "oh i wish i had XXXX too" It doesnt mean you dislike the things you DID yet, you're just disappointed that you didnt get something else. 

Dont let people say you're ungrateful, and guilt trip you into feeling bad... you cant help how you feel, if you could you wouldn't feel like this. (in my own experience) the longing for a certain sex doesn't go away. But the love for the baby you DO have doesnt get any smaller either. 

Other posters - i read the first page and thought :shock: whoa. She was just asking for help?

:hugs: OP. xxx


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## ellie

Firstly, i'd say that i longed for a child for years and i could never understand anyone feeling bad or worried about one gender over the other.
But, I always pictured us with a girl, people always said they thought it was a girl when i was pregnant, we pickd out girls names. OH said once it would be terrible to have a boy because it would always be a reminder of a fling i had once (not sure why, thats apparently a psychological tendency :shrug: )
I was under a GA for the birth (emcs) and on coming to, OH said we've got a boy and i couldnt have been happier, there was not a trace of any negative feeling for me.
We both loved having a boy from the second we both knew. He's amazing :cloud9:

I hope its clear from some replies that 1. its common, 2. its related to fears and conditioned (i.e. learned) expectations about becoming parents, either for the first time or again, 3. its not likely to last once the baby is born and you find those fears arent really real, 4. you and OH need to talk about it. Imagined worries are worse than real ones :) can your mw or gp refer you for some counselling?
I also dont think its helpful to say 'look how lucky you are to have a baby at all', as that will make her feel more guilty which does dot resolve her fears. There was some good advise earlier about asking 'what is the worry' i.e. What had you imagined? What would be the worst thing about that? Are you woried about what other people might say about a girl? Why might they? What did you always think about yourself being a mother? How would that be different with a girl? Etc :)
good luck :hugs:


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## tommyg

I've read the thread you've had a few great responces and a few shockers.

If you want my view for what it is worth you have to think of why you wanted a boy rather than a girl? 

Me I'm team yellow, yes I have a preferance for a son but at the same time will be happy as long as it is born healthy and happy and I'm ok after the birth. 

My reasons for a boy:-

Would like my second child to be a girl and have a big brother to look out for her - is there any guaentte that would happen, how would I react if "DS" and "DD" never got on / fought with each other?

I think boys are more fun and dareing. But there is nothing to say that I couldn't end up with a tommy-boyish girl like her mum who was into everything. How would I react if "DS" turned into a big woose who wasn't intrested in any outdoor sports etc 

I'd like a girl to share coffee / friendship with but who knows if she'd be into coffeeing with her mum. Couldn't tell you when I last shopped with my mum other than for LO's pram or my wedding dress.

Girls tend to say closer to mum, the two members of my family who have emigrated were both men. 

Write down your list of reasons for prefering a boy then look for your counter arguments as to why a girl would be nicer.


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## EmmyReece

To OP, I am so, so, so sorry that you've had to read some of the shocking replies that you've received :grr: 

The title clearly states what the thread contains, so I don't understand why people who knew they were going to be offended / upset have opened it :wacko:

I've been ltttc and I don't have a single problem with your post despite me wanting a healthy baby more than anything else in the world :hugs: All I want is for you to get the support that you need. And, saying that, I really hope you come back and see the supportive replies off the ladies who have offered advice and support because the ones who have been harsh and too quick to judge you aren't worth worrying over because :hugs:

I wish I had more advice to offer, but if in anyway I can help (even by offering a sympathetic ear) then all you need to do is give me a shout :hugs:


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## tjw

In my previous pregnancy I dreamed over and over again that we were having a boy, even to the point of watching the sonographer point out his boy bits and dreaming of bringing him home, feeding him etc. Plus we went by ALL the old wives tales such as the needle trick and online questionnaires etc and ALL of them came up with a boy result.... So you can imagine our shock at the 21wk scan where we discovered we were actually expecting a girl....

I too felt a lil disappointed at first and it took a while to get used to the idea and despite feigning enthusiasm for all the world to see, when I was having the epi put in I was still fighting with my feelings about it. 

However, once she was placed in my arms all the negativity and uncertainty just melted away and I knew from that instant that she was the most precious wonderful gift I ever had. I have loved her with all my heart from that moment onwards and I always will. She fills our lives with so much joy and happiness every day :)

This time round I have no idea what we are expecting, but although I am hoping for a boy this time round I know with every inch of my soul that if we have a lil girl again, I will still love her with all my heart.

Not sure if you'll find any help in that or not, but I'm here if you ever want to chat xx


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## MrsBandEgglet

linsayp said:


> When you get pregnant there is a 50/50 chance that you will have a boy OR a girl. When the baby comes I'm sure you won't be so upset (and I really hope you won't)
> I'm afraid you are just going to have to get used to the fact that you are having a little girl as no amount of wishing is going to change it.
> Good luck, I hope that soon you will be in a better place about all this.
> Just think about the miracle growing in your tummy and think about the beautiful little girl you will have! Think about all the people wishing they were in your position right now after years of trying for a baby or having lost a child. I can't imagine how hard it must be for any of them accidentally stumbling upon your thread.
> You are very lucky to be pregnant full stop, I just really hope your daughter won't grow up resented because she was born the wrong gender, by you or your husband.
> 
> Good luck.

It took me five very difficult years to concieve Arf, finally resulting in a laparoscopy, the removal of my left fallopian tube and an IVF referral. We were supposed to start our first cycle of IVF in June 2009 and I got my (natural) BFP May 18th 2009. It is hard, I know that but you really can't help how you feel. I was completely daunted at the prospect of having a girl this time and I will admit, I wanted another boy. I'm a little worried about how I'm gonna cope and I just never ever envisaged myself with a girl, I always imagined my children would be boys (I really don't know why :shrug:) 

I'm now so excited about my little girl coming along but it doesn't stop me wanting another boy and so I do hope our third (and final) LO will be another little man :cloud9: xx


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## SIEGAL

I wanted a little girl so badly I convinced myself this baby would be a boy so I would be prepared. When I found out it actually was a girl, i got a little disappointed!!!! B/c I convinced myself so hard and was expecting a boy. But it went away in about 3 mins. Its funny how these things go. I am sure you will get over it if not sooner than later. Children are a blessing, whatever gender they may be.


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## RÃ³sa

SIEGAL said:


> I wanted a little girl so badly I convinced myself this baby would be a boy so I would be prepared. When I found out it actually was a girl, i got a little disappointed!!!! B/c I convinced myself so hard and was expecting a boy. But it went away in about 3 mins. Its funny how these things go. I am sure you will get over it if not sooner than later. Children are a blessing, whatever gender they may be.

This is exactly what I did, I secretly wanted a girl, my partner said he wanted a girl, not a boy, But I was totally convinced it was a boy, was waiting at the scan for her to say it was a boy, was in total shock when she said girl, I actually felt a bit flat as I had convinced myself it was a boy because I wanted a girl so much, took a day or two to get my head round that it was a girl, 

Good luck to you hun and I hope you find peace within yourself on your upcoming little girl xx


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## megan09

Don't really know what to say apart from I hope that you can move on from this, and that you can be happy. Must be really difficult to cope with. Good luck hun and hope you get the help you need. xx


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## jay83

Theres nothing wrong with choosing gender or wanting a specific gender, i wanted a girl with my first and second but they were both boys i was quite upset at first but once they were here i was ok loved them to bits....maybe same will be for u once she is born ul be ok as its still your baby, im pregnant with the 3rd but am scared to wish for a girl just in case its another boy eveyone says my symptoms say im having a boy so dont know....


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## Dragonfly

though when the baby is born its a different story. Personally I know how it feels when parents are gender disappointed from a child's point of view. I know my mum wanted a boy, she had me in my brothers clothes and my hair cut like a by for years and treated me like shit compared to my brother. I didnt even get xmas presents for girls was all boys i had to share with my selfish bro who wouldnt share with me. Never got on with her and cant please her. So I hope when your baby is born you do love it whatever the sex its not the babies fault, and kids will pick up on this. I am sure you will be chuffed when she is born , I never think finding out sex in scans is good and some are even wrong.


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## SIEGAL

Dragonfly said:


> though when the baby is born its a different story. Personally I know how it feels when parents are gender disappointed from a child's point of view. I know my mum wanted a boy, she had me in my brothers clothes and my hair cut like a by for years and treated me like shit compared to my brother. I didnt even get xmas presents for girls was all boys i had to share with my selfish bro who wouldnt share with me. Never got on with her and cant please her. So I hope when your baby is born you do love it whatever the sex its not the babies fault, and kids will pick up on this. I am sure you will be chuffed when she is born , I never think finding out sex in scans is good and some are even wrong.

I'm sorry that happened to you. :nope: I know alot of parents wish for the other sex, but rarely have I heard of that happening, the worst that happened to me, is that my father enrolled me in every sport on earth by the time I was 12!!! But maybe that was b/c I was chubby.....


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## Hayley90

I think thats ^^ a case of very extreme gender disappointment.. its a horrible shame that you were treated like that, its sad to think a parent wouldn't be able to move forward from that initial sadness and treat you nicely like they should :(

xxx


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## aob1013

I will never understand 'gender disappointment'.

I'm sure once your precious baby girl is here you will love her and care for her regardless of what gender she is. Gender doesn't matter, a healthy, full term baby matters.


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## EmmyReece

the OP hasn't been back on since the day she posted this thread :(

I hope she's getting the support she needs :hugs:


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## Lianne1986

maybe u ladies gave her all the support she needs :hugs:

so she feels like she doesnt need to come back here now :shrug:


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## jjbump

I think gender disappointment can often be attributed to expectations. There are perceptions like boys will be more sporty and girls will be cute etc. As one other poster said, sometimes it's down to cultures. My friend is Indian and his girlfriend is expecting. He wants a boy no matter what. His girlfriend is scared to find out the gender as she doesn't want him to lose interest. It's a real shame, but in some cultures girls are treated like second class citizens. 

I used to work with a guy who was useless around women - didn't know how to talk to them etc. His wife had a girl a few years ago and he was DREADING it, but now he is very different. His little girl has him wrapped around her little finger lol.

Now that I'm having a girl, my OH is slightly relieved he won't have to go to football matches as he hates sport lol. Mind you, girls can be just as into sports as boys.

xx


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## stucknthecity

MikaylasMummy said:


> vixiepoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> stucknthecity said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not to be intruding but there is no such genetic disorder that causes a woman not to be able to carry one sex or the other. The sex of a baby is determined by the fathers contribution. The fetus will develop sex organs beginning in the 10th week and will be visible by ultra sound technologies by the 18th week. A woman's body will not suddenly start attacking the baby just because it has a penis or vagina. Also when you say severely disabled that can mean a number of things, chromosomal abnormalities , birth defects , birth trauma , what is it that was disabled about the baby boy? Again I am not trying to be rude but in a post like this where things have gotten heated and all she is looking for is a little support this statement stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
> 
> Correct in that the genetic disorder wouldn't lie with the pregnant mother necessarily, it would lie with the father though (if it's a sex-linked recessive genetic disorder then they would both have to be carriers though). There are some genetic conditions which mean that being pregnant with a baby of a particular sex would result in some form of disability, or even a self-termination. This is why PGD is done in some clinics for predetermined gender selection, as a baby of a certain gender would not carry to term with a particular genetic condition (such as full-blown haemophillia with a female embryo - as the sex of the embryo is determined from conception).
> 
> It's a confusing subject, and it all depends whether it's X-linked recessive/dominant, Y-linked recessive/dominant, whether both parents are carries of said potential condition etc etc.. I think what someone is saying can easily be misinterpreted. I haven't studied it for years so my knowledge is pretty rusty, but what she is getting at is technically possible. xxClick to expand...
> 
> woops didnt see your post before i answered sorry but this is exactly what i was getting atClick to expand...



That's what I learned in a developmental class I took a few semesters ago as well, but generally in those pregnancies where their is a condition that causes abnormalities in one sex or the other they typically do not survive past the 6-10th week depending on gender. If they do survive you then have a child with a genetic condition. Women have been told for many years that pregnancy's that end in miscarriage were often not meant to be because your body knew something was wrong. Some people never knew they were pregnant to begin with that's how fast your own body reacts to certain chromosomal abnormalities. 

Original reason for my post was just to point out that the comment was not helpful or relevant at all to the OP's post. I realize mine was not either but being in a hormonal pregnant state I could not help myself. I do hope though that her and her husband have received some counseling on how to handle the feelings they are having.


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## Caitlin.

For some reason I thought I was going to have a boy and I really wanted a boy. When the ultrasound tech told me it was a girl I cried because I was so happy. She was healthy and that's all I really wanted. I was happy to be having a girl. :) My baby girl is a little over 2 weeks old and I am in love with her. She is so beautiful and she has made my life so much better. I wouldn't give her up for the world! You and your husband will love that baby girl just as much as you would if she was a boy. I promise. :flower:


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## Chocciebutton

Hi I am sorry that you are having a hard time adjusting to the fact that you are having a little girl, I am sure that with time you will be happy that you are! I hope that everything turns out fine! stucknthecity there is a condition that causes some mothers to miscarry boys....my mum had this problem and had several late miscarriages that were boys and a stillborn at full term, she was very ill each time resulting in coma but she was told that it was rare to have it so bad that that happens. Here is an article I found...
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-187011/Boys-raise-miscarriage-risk.html


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## Chocciebutton

^^^^^sorry I dont mean to offend anyone with this article, just that it may be something that not a loot of people are aware of


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## JaniceT

I do pray you would love your baby girl when she is born. My MIL didn't care much about my husband and his siblings, less even for her daughters. Never once did she hug them or even complimented or encouraged. It is a very sad mother - child relationship. I hope it will be different for you.


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## littleone2010

Hi there, so many people have said so much, I hope you can get support for this and indeed talk to your husband about your worries.
I knew my hubby wanted a boy and I was sure from the start it was going to be a girl and it was.
When we found out in the scan I could see he was dissapointed from his face, but he was happy she was healthy.
I thought they might not bond when she was born ect ect..I was so worried for many reasons.
From THE MINUTE she was born they have been inseparable... I am still surprised every day how much he adores her, He actually gets jealous im the one with her every day as a stay at home mum. He talks to her about what they are going to do together when shes older and more mobile its the most beautiful thing.
We were discussing the other day when to try for our next and he actually said "You know, I dont mind if we have another girl, because I know how lovely this one is, infact im sure it will be another girl!" 
Please talk to someone about this you never know the love you will both feel until you meet her, it could all changexx


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## flower01

girls are the best!! promise!!


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## Franki83

Hey sweetheart.
i can say to an extent, i do half know what you are feeling. i am onto my 3rd child. i have one of each already, and i desperately wanted another girl! as my first was a girl, and i found my son to be a complete culture shock to me! 
i got really down for a few weeks when i realised that i was having a boy. My husband was over the moon, as yes i have 3 children, but this is his first child.

I too am a sufferer of depression. Also i have suffered really bad post natal depression too. 
Advice i would give is to seek help immediately as you can also get pre natal depression which left untreated, after baby is born can cause you terrible heart ache. my sister had this and after Isobel was born, my sister had to have CPN's (mental health nurses) visiting her 3 times a day to check her and give her medication, all because she ignored pre natal depression.
Have you and your partner thought of doing a daft little thing? something i did, it helped me, a pro and con list? each go a seperate way, sit with a pen and paper, and deeply rack your own feelings and make this list. 
then get together and TALK to each other. communication is a vital key to recovery. 
i hope you do find your peace of mind, i really do, and please, ignore nasty comments, take them with a pinch of salt. 
keep us that actually do care for you and your situation updated, we are all happily ready to help you and give you big huge cyber :hugs:
And to those that have their own nasty opinions, well matbe they should take them off their pedestals and look to their own lives and realise everyone is not perfect, even them!


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## miss_danielle

ive wanted a girl from day 1 3 pregnancys down the line i have 3 boys..its sad at first as i wanted a girl but never mind how i look at the matter my boys will always be loved the same and no matter what 'tackle' my babys have ..their still mine and i made them and im grateful that i got the chance to have children as i think of those that carnt have any..and i have 3 perfectly wunderful boys who i love dearly


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## JohnsPrincess

*hugs* My husband and I had been trying for almost 4 1/2 years when I finally got pregnant. Even so, I pray every day that I will have a girl. I've always pictured myself with one. And the thing is, it's not that I don't want a boy, I just want a girl FIRST. I worry that if the baby is a boy, will I be disappointed? If I am, will I get over it?? I KNOW beyond a doubt that I will love this baby no matter what it turns out to be. But I also know that I'll be a little sad if I find out it's a boy... I don't think this makes me a bad person, or a bad mommy. I think it just makes me honest...

As for your husband leaving or you having issues with her once she's born...I would hope not. I mean, lol, it's the man who determines the sex of the child anyways, lol!! I am SURE that once you get used to the fact, and once you have that little princess in your arms, you'll forget all about having wanted a boy and will just be so so pleased to have a happy, healthy baby.


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## misstia

Compleely undersand, and don't feel bad.

My DH has twin girls that were 8 when I had my first. This was my first and I wanted to have a boy (DH already had two girls), we had a boy name and my best friend had a boy the year before and had all her things to hand over to me.

So we went to the ultrasound, excited to see our little boy (yes we knew it could be a girl but were in denial), when the tech said there were no boy parts I was devistated, not because I wouldn't love my little girl, but I felt my little boy that I created and dreamed of was taken away. It was a mix of hormones and stupidity.

I cried allllll day.... but then I went to the baby store and found that all the little girl things were sooooo much cuter than the boys, and I came home and sat with a name book until I found the perfect name "Autumn" that night.

After a couple of days, I couldn't remember why I wanted a boy in the first place... LOL, I'm such a girl person.

Well my daughter was born and she is my little princess. 

Well, pregnant again, and yes, would be nice to change things up a bit, we have 4 women in the house and DH could use the company, will find out next month. My hubby says he will sit down to pee if it is another girl.... can't wait to see this:haha::haha::haha:


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## miss_danielle

miss tia havent you shown anyone your scan for the nub gesses??? i am hoping its a boy for you but hoping its a girl so you can see your OH sit to pee lol


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## Freya

How are you feeling now honey? Have you gone to a doctor or talked to a counsellor about how you feel? I would never judge anyone with serious gender disappointment and hope you and hubby can work through it, it may be worth looking at the past, your relationships with your mothers etc to see any unresolved issues. It's amazing how influential our past can be on our present.

On a lighter note I can wholeheartedly say girls are wonderful. Daddy's girl they can be, but my little girl is all mummy and I hope it's the start of a beautiful friendship for years to come. Girls are fab!!


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## codegirl

I stopped reading all the replies but I really wanted to post to the OP.

We didn't find out the gender of Edward before he was born. I was convinced that I was having a little girl and was so excited. I was scared to pieces about having a boy. The little bit of experience I have with very young children was with all girls and I just felt like "what the heck do you DO with a boy?"

Then out popped (not really that easy but you know what I mean) my huge baby BOY! I remember feeling shocked and disappointed and 100 other not so positive feelings in those first few seconds....

then I didn't get to hold him, he was wisked over to a work area for the NICU nurses to work on (his birth was a bit tramatic) and I started to worry, and I think at that moment it didn't matter that he was a boy, he was MINE and I needed him and he needed me.

It's been almost 2 years and he is the light in my world. I love love love him!

I'm so hoping this one is a boy too now, which means I might have the same disappointment I had with Edward. But it was short lived and I know that in the end, I will love this baby no matter what.

Just talk to your OH honestly, maybe come up with some pros together about baby girls and know that you aren't alone. :hugs:


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## DisneyMom2011

I agree with the person who suggested looking up all the cute girlie things online or in the store. 

I'm not pregnant and I don't have any children but my boyfriend and I are planning to try for one within the next couple of months. 

I desperately want a girl. I'm not at all into little boy stuff like cars or sports or super heroes.... I actually hate all those things, so I was kind of concerned that I'd have severe depression if I ended up pregnant with a boy and not a girl. But I'm really ready for a baby and I'm doing my best to make this an awesome pregnancy, no matter if it turns out a boy or girl. I went online and got myself psyched up about a little boy. I looked up little boy names, I already know I want to give him a mo-hawk when he has enough hair, I looked up nursery decor and absolutely fell in love with something I found, and even found lots of toys that have nothing to do with sports, cars, or heroes. So, even tho I desperately want a girl, I will still be really excited to have a little boy. 

If you are somewhat a tomboy you can always share guy stuff with your little girl. Girls can do anything boys can do, and sometimes we even do them better ; ) I have a friend who's little girl LOVES cars. Especially the Pixar movie.

I don't think people should be so quick to look down their noses at this kind of post. Pregnancy is alot to go through, especially when you're stressed over something and don't have someone you can go to for advice. This girl had no one else to talk to and she came here looking for friendly help and advice, not to be scolded or looked down upon. I'm sure it doesn't make her happy to feel this way. And she's not trying to insult anyone. She's taking a step in the right direction, so I say :thumbup:


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## Shutterbug_71

wishinforaboy said:


> As long as I can remember I always wanted a baby boy. My husband and I recently found out that we are having a girl we are both very depressed and saddened by this, we both don't know how we are going to raise a girl. one of my fears is that once the baby is born that my husband will walk out because he really really wants a boy and that I will resent the girl. We are both confused we feel guilt, depressed and don't know how to move forward from these feelings. I haven't even told my family because i'm so depressed and i really don't want to hear them saying that the little girl is going to be daddys girl i don't want anyone to judge us for how we feel we just need help before this baby is born.
> 
> -------------------
> 
> *ADMIN NOTE:
> *As shown on post #10
> 
> 
> 
> I locked this thread whist I made a reply but it's now open again.
> 
> I would like to remind members regardless of your own history and others, gender disappointment is NOT uncommon. Have a bit more sense about you than to throw rude unhelpful replies into the thread or to call out troll, which we NEVER appreciate ...someone has a problem so they are automatically trolling? No, that's not how it works.
> 
> This member found BabyandBump by searching for 'gender depression' so why don't you ladies come down off your high horses and actually help (did you have a gender preference now or previous pregnancies, how did you overcome those, share you bump bonding stories and your journey as you got bigger, I'm sure you can try and even succeed in helping even if you don't know what she feels like) or leave the thread.
> 
> Please don't ignore this message, doing so may result in actions being taken on your account.
> 
> :thumbup:

my husband and I were like that when we found out about My DD..But it only took us a day to get over it... having a girl is the best thing ever... You will have a bestfriend for life.. My daughter is a 100% Daddys girl!! Having a girl is fun!!! you will know what todo with her once you see her in your arms trust me... Girls are a lot of fun! Just be happy that your baby is gonna be healthy and happy! :hugs: It will be just fine


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## Spetunia

It's not uncommon to get your hopes up high and feel disappointed. It's not that you don't love the baby you just wished you had gotten the gender you so prayed for. I have two boys and my oldest son really wants a sister. When he found out I was pregnant again he told me that what took God so long to put his sister in my belly. It breaks my heart to see him wanting a sister so bad and when we discovered that #3 was a boy too he wouldn't stop crying and he was very sad for awhile. One thing I do know is that I am grateful to have healthy children and I can't imagine my life without them. 

I don't think you are a bad person for feeling disappointed but I do know that once that precious little girl is in your arms you will find such joy and fulfillment:)


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## new bride

Hi wishinforaboy:flower:

I've not read all of the replies from the other ladies as there are just too many, but I did just want to say that some of the advice the ladies have given is absolutely brilliant. :thumbup:

I dont have anything to add as this is my first pregnancy and I'm learning as I go along :blush:

I did just want to send you hugs and say that I appreciate your honesty in asking for advice on your subject. You cannot please everybody all of the time and this is about you and your family and no one else. I hope that you can find some peace in the good answers given, and try to ignore the nasty comments.

I'm not sure when you are due but you're obv. further on than me (i have gender scan in 3 weeks). Please feel free to private message me if you want to chat x x


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## firsttimer11

We also want a boy. I am only 14 weeks along, but we are not going to find out. I am certain that once you see your baby you will fall in love. It may be hard to believe it now, but I think that will happen. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone - maybe someone who has been this before. :)


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## Lottie86

I never wanted children so wasn't in the best mood anyway when I found out I was pregnant however I thought if I am having a baby I want a girl. I wanted a girl to dress in pink clothes, cute little dresses, someone to go shopping with and have haircuts with and a little girl to have the same fabulous Mum and daughter relationship with that I have with my Mum. 
When we found out that Findlay was a boy I was absolutely _devastated_. I cried for the whole day and was in a foul mood for at least a couple of weeks if not longer. I never thought I could love a little boy like I would a little girl.
Now however I absolutely love him to bits and cannot imagine him being anything other than the adorable little boy he is and as for my upset over never being able to buy cute little dresses... well I got over that rather quickly once I discovered dungarees :haha:


You *will* get used to your baby being a girl I assure you but allow yourself time. It isn't something you will get over right away. You might even feel this way until your little girl turns up but the feeling will go away and you will love her just as much as you would love a little boy. Ignore anyone who judges you or gives you negative comments, you aren't choosing to feel this way. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Newmommy2011

That's why I'm going to make myself ready for them to tell me I'm having a boy. I want a girl. I think the worst thing is to be depressed about your own child coming into this world. God has a reason for everything, and if your husband really loves you he wouldn't leave you because you had a girl. Afterall it was his sperm that chose the sex! Lol


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## Cajadaem

:hugs:


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## Newmommy2011

I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.


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## MizzDeeDee

Newmommy2011 said:


> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.



How are you going to tell a mother that she needs to put her baby up for adoption because she is disappointed about the gender? Are you kidding me? :dohh:

You think she is being selfish while I think you're being extremely judgmental. I've known plenty of people that have wanted one sex and got another and they were sad about it, but they got over it and love their baby. I am sure op will too. 

Your attitude does nothing to contribute. She's asking for help as to how to deal with it, she's not asking to be told how selfish she is or told that she needs to get rid of her baby. That's not productive. It's mean. 

I can't even believe you'd say such a thing to her.


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## angelmyky

when i was pregnant i kept wishing for him to be a boy. 
i felt horrible for wanting a boy but it was like a massive wave taking over me whenever i thought about it.
i ended up depressed and angry with myself.
i had to seek counselling because i was worried i'd not want my baby if it was a girl.

then i had my scan to confirm i was having a boy and i cried like a baby because not only did i get what i wanted but i felt guilty for it.

so i still wasnt happy even though i wanted a boy. i took it all out on my husband (fiance at the time).

but each time i saw him wiggling around on the scan i thought "WOW thats my lil bugger, i cant wait to meet you".

when/if im pregnant again i know i want a girl, but if i have another boy then it wont bother me as much this time. i think i was deeply depressed before i even got pregnant. theres loads of girls in my family so i just wanted to add a boy i guess.

i think you should seek counselling. speak to the midwife/doctor too. i cant see why your husband would leave you for her being a girl, thats unfair if he did. if he loves you then it shouldnt matter what gender the baby is.
i would say that you need help, talking about it may help you.
but if that doesnt help then i dont have anymore advice for you, sorry.

i hope you start feeling better and enjoying your pregnancy soon. its a wonderful thing to go through.

:hugs: xx


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## mrs.beanz

You need to trust what your husband has said and Im pretty sure that once your little girl makes her entrance she will give the both of you the help you need to get over gender disappointment. I know that doesnt help with the feelings both of you have for the remainder of the pregnancy but to be honest I think the only person that can help you is growing inside you. 
Do you have any friends or relatives that have a child that is a girl that you and your husband can maybe babysit or spend some time with?


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## EmmyReece

Newmommy2011 said:


> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.

attitudes like that really don't help, who are you to judge the op and call her selfish??? I've been trying for a baby for well over 2 years and I don't think the op is being selfish, yeah I'd love either a boy or a girl, but I'm not judging, so what right do you have to judge???

it's probably replies like this that stopped the OP from coming back, she hasn't been back since the day she posted this thread :grr:


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## Raggydoll

:hugs: hun. I hope you're doing ok. I know your original post was a while ago.

I think the suggestion of looking up lots of girly bits is great. 

Do you have any friends or family with little girls, maybe spend some time with them.
I think when you have an image of the way something is going to be it can be hard to get your head round something different. It's especially difficult when you have pregnancy hormones thrown on top.

Look after yourself. x


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## Wobbles

Newmommy2011 said:


> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.

Don't send this thread down the same route again, leave it and move on to another topic you can actually add helpful constructive or friendly replies to.

You may not agree with me which supports the best interest of the forum (not my personal views or experience) because you have never been faced with gender disappointment. But either way you don't have the right to challenge the admin and throw such rude comments in.

MizzDeeDee said the rest perfectly :thumbup:


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## Ladybird28

I totally agree with Wobbles as gender disappointment is an awful thing to feel and is compounded by the op's husbands reaction to the news. I do feel that councilling may be a good option as I am about to give it a go to help me. I have 3 boys, the youngest is only 10 weeks old and although I love them more than anything in the world I am still suffering with bad gender disappointment. I have always wanted a girl and now I know that I cant have any more children as I just couldnt cope if it was another boy, it makes it even worse as it is so final that I will never have a daughter. It really hurts me when people say to me "a son is a son until he marries yet a daughter is a daughter for life". I just want to have the mother daughter relationship as my sons are all daddies boys and I am left on the sidelines most of the time, despite trying to be involved.
ooops just realised Im rambling bout my issues now, sorry. Just hope the OP is doing ok and she enjoys her baby when she arrives and that her OH sorts himself out. Take Care hun
xxx


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## Hayley90

Newmommy2011 said:


> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.

Would you say that to someone with post natal depression?

Just asking, because in a lot of serious cases of GD it is THAT bad. People get prenatal depression too... would you call them selfish? Would you tell them to put there child up for adoption?

GD is a MENTAL hurdle, something which no one chooses have, and no one likes having. I suggest you educate yourself about this before coming on here with your harsh, unneccessarily judgemental attitude... everyone else has been supportive.


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## Newmommy2011

Hayley90 said:


> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.
> 
> Would you say that to someone with post natal depression?
> 
> Just asking, because in a lot of serious cases of GD it is THAT bad. People get prenatal depression too... would you call them selfish? Would you tell them to put there child up for adoption?
> 
> GD is a MENTAL hurdle, something which no one chooses have, and no one likes having. I suggest you educate yourself about this before coming on here with your harsh, unneccessarily judgemental attitude... everyone else has been supportive.Click to expand...


To put a child in a situation where you can't love them and resent them. Yes I would call that selfish. I meant for her to put it up for adoption if she goes through counseling and is still feeling that way. That would be selfish not to give the child the chance it deserves. I wish I could help her, but this is something where she needs to see a professional to get the help she needs. If I knew I couldn't take care of my child or couldn't love them I would give them the chance and put them up for adoption.


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## Newmommy2011

MizzDeeDee said:


> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.
> 
> 
> 
> How are you going to tell a mother that she needs to put her baby up for adoption because she is disappointed about the gender? Are you kidding me? :dohh:
> 
> You think she is being selfish while I think you're being extremely judgmental. I've known plenty of people that have wanted one sex and got another and they were sad about it, but they got over it and love their baby. I am sure op will too.
> 
> Your attitude does nothing to contribute. She's asking for help as to how to deal with it, she's not asking to be told how selfish she is or told that she needs to get rid of her baby. That's not productive. It's mean.
> 
> I can't even believe you'd say such a thing to her.Click to expand...




Again I meant this as if she went to counseling and still resented her child. I'm all for her getting help and moving forward, but if she can't do that and will resent her child, maybe it would be best for the child to go to a family that won't. I would love for her to go to counseling get the help she needs and her post on here that everything worked out!


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## Newmommy2011

EmmyReece said:


> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> I don't agree with admin either. This one is out of our hands. I think you need to see a councelor, or maybe just put the baby up for adoption if you are going to resent her. I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish. Do whats best for the baby.
> 
> attitudes like that really don't help, who are you to judge the op and call her selfish??? I've been trying for a baby for well over 2 years and I don't think the op is being selfish, yeah I'd love either a boy or a girl, but I'm not judging, so what right do you have to judge???
> 
> it's probably replies like this that stopped the OP from coming back, she hasn't been back since the day she posted this thread :grr:Click to expand...



Everyone really read this the wrong way, guess I worded it wrong... I am not passing judgment. I would love for her to get help. I meant if she can't overcome it which I totally think she can if she works at it then she would want to look into her options. If she isn't going to try to get help then yeah that's selfish. She needs to get help for her Childs sake. Again, I wasn't passing judgment. Just think she needs more help then we can give her. She needs a professional. And there is nothing wrong with that! I see a counselor on a regular basis! Some of us just need that one person you can talk to.


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## Hayley90

Yes, you worded it horribly. 

She wont resent her child. She will love her baby.... speaking from experience. I love my son to pieces, but the fact i dont have a daughter still upsets me. 

She doesnt hate the baby, dislike it, or anything close. She is dissappointed with what she DOESNT have, not what she does. 

And even if she DID resent her child after counselling, who are you to tell her what to do with it? A little more compassion would go a long way...!

The poor girl hasn't been back online since she posted this, and I wonder why... people wording replies like yours and a few others have scared her off... when there are FIFTEEN pages of supportive advice and hugs! 

x


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## Newmommy2011

Hayley90 said:


> Yes, you worded it horribly.
> 
> She wont resent her child. She will love her baby.... speaking from experience. I love my son to pieces, but the fact i dont have a daughter still upsets me.
> 
> She doesnt hate the baby, dislike it, or anything close. She is dissappointed with what she DOESNT have, not what she does.
> 
> And even if she DID resent her child after counselling, who are you to tell her what to do with it? A little more compassion would go a long way...!
> 
> x


I've never been the most compassionate person to begin with I'm more of a do what you need to do. Everything happens for a reason. God has a reason for that little girl. If her husband is going to leave her for having a girl instead of a boy, and she doesn't want that then give the baby up and try for a boy if that's what she wants. I never told her she had to do anything. Just giving a suggestion. I don't understand what she's going through and can't relate, so if Shes that upset over having a girl, then put her up for adoption. There is no question she needs counseling. Only she can change what happens. If I am blunt and to the point, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe after she sees her growing in her stomach she'll feel better about her baby, I don't know what's going to happen. There is a difference between resenting your child and being disappointed...


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## BabyBrave

Hi. I haven't read the other posts but here is my advice:

I really wanted a boy. Our hospital won't tell you the sex so we didn't know which it was. I was really against having a girl for reasons I'm not very sure. I just felt so depressed at the thought. So when I got to 20 weeks I decided the only way was to decide our bump was a girl. We started referring to it as "her" and "she", working on picking names, etc. Also, all friends and family thought it was a girl.

After a few weeks of "feminising" our bump we really started to come around to the idea of a girl. It was never going to be pinks and frills but we came to love our little girl bump.

For us it turned out of "she" was a "he", but by the time our baby was born I was comfortable with either sex.

I understand the guilt you feel when you really want one sex over another. At least you're being honest. You're husband won't leave if he loves you. Many men who are hell-bent on boys are totally besotted with a girl.

Try and start to love your little girl now. Remember, she may be as brash and boyish as any boy. And you don't have to go all pinks and frills if it's not your style.

My heart goes out to you. Feel free to IM me if you ever want to chat. :hug:


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## poppy666

Newmommy2011 said:


> That's why I'm going to make myself ready for them to tell me I'm having a boy. I want a girl. I think the worst thing is to be depressed about your own child coming into this world. God has a reason for everything, and if your husband really loves you he wouldn't leave you because you had a girl. Afterall it was his sperm that chose the sex! Lol

Good idea Newmommy2011 :thumbup: I have 4 boys aged 18,19,20 & 10mths, when i got blessed with my youngest i soooooooooooo wanted a Girl so at my 20wk scan i wanted to know because i knew if they said 'another boy' id be upset/disappointed. When she confirmed 'its a boy' i admit i cried all that day just couldnt help myself ( selfish i know) It took me 8wks to even buy something blue for the baby, but i came to terms with it and now he's here i love him to bits x


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## Newmommy2011

I completely agree with babybrave!! That's what I'm doing! My bf thinks its a boy but I really want a girl! I'm just getting myself ready for a boy because the last thing I want is to be depressed over my baby!! I love it no matter what!! I honk everyone should be ready for whatever gift god gives you!!


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## Newmommy2011

poppy666 said:


> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> That's why I'm going to make myself ready for them to tell me I'm having a boy. I want a girl. I think the worst thing is to be depressed about your own child coming into this world. God has a reason for everything, and if your husband really loves you he wouldn't leave you because you had a girl. Afterall it was his sperm that chose the sex! Lol
> 
> Good idea Newmommy2011 :thumbup: I have 4 boys aged 18,19,20 & 10mths, when i got blessed with my youngest i soooooooooooo wanted a Girl so at my 20wk scan i wanted to know because i knew if they said 'another boy' id be upset/disappointed. When she confirmed 'its a boy' i admit i cried all that day just couldnt help myself ( selfish i know) It took me 8wks to even buy something blue for the baby, but i came to terms with it and now he's here i love him to bits xClick to expand...




Thank you :) I want to be able to tell my child how happy I was when I found out what sex they were!! I was already pretty upset when I found out I was pregnant. I was on bc and it isn't really optimum time. After I got to thinking about it. This baby is gods gift. I'm okay with everything now, and I never want my child to know how I felt when I found out I was pregnant I feel so guilty for not being happy. So now I can be excited for finding out the sex and everything else :)


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## daddy2b

I sympathise with the OP. Can't really offer much advice other than that you may feel different when the little blighter is out!

I crave for a girl and I worry about what I'll feel like when a boy pops out! But I feel blessed either way. :)


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## MizzDeeDee

Newmommy2011 said:


> poppy666 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> That's why I'm going to make myself ready for them to tell me I'm having a boy. I want a girl. I think the worst thing is to be depressed about your own child coming into this world. God has a reason for everything, and if your husband really loves you he wouldn't leave you because you had a girl. Afterall it was his sperm that chose the sex! Lol
> 
> Good idea Newmommy2011 :thumbup: I have 4 boys aged 18,19,20 & 10mths, when i got blessed with my youngest i soooooooooooo wanted a Girl so at my 20wk scan i wanted to know because i knew if they said 'another boy' id be upset/disappointed. When she confirmed 'its a boy' i admit i cried all that day just couldnt help myself ( selfish i know) It took me 8wks to even buy something blue for the baby, but i came to terms with it and now he's here i love him to bits xClick to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you :) I want to be able to tell my child how happy I was when I found out what sex they were!! I was already pretty upset when I found out I was pregnant. I was on bc and it isn't really optimum time. After I got to thinking about it. This baby is gods gift. I'm okay with everything now, and I never want my child to know how I felt when I found out I was pregnant I feel so guilty for not being happy. So now I can be excited for finding out the sex and everything else :)Click to expand...

How would you have felt if someone told you to put your baby up for adoption because you were upset about being pregnant?

You might not have "meant" it a certain way... but that was a horrible thing to say. She's allowed to be upset.. just like you were upset when you found out you were pregnant.


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## Newmommy2011

MizzDeeDee said:


> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> poppy666 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Newmommy2011 said:
> 
> 
> That's why I'm going to make myself ready for them to tell me I'm having a boy. I want a girl. I think the worst thing is to be depressed about your own child coming into this world. God has a reason for everything, and if your husband really loves you he wouldn't leave you because you had a girl. Afterall it was his sperm that chose the sex! Lol
> 
> Good idea Newmommy2011 :thumbup: I have 4 boys aged 18,19,20 & 10mths, when i got blessed with my youngest i soooooooooooo wanted a Girl so at my 20wk scan i wanted to know because i knew if they said 'another boy' id be upset/disappointed. When she confirmed 'its a boy' i admit i cried all that day just couldnt help myself ( selfish i know) It took me 8wks to even buy something blue for the baby, but i came to terms with it and now he's here i love him to bits xClick to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you :) I want to be able to tell my child how happy I was when I found out what sex they were!! I was already pretty upset when I found out I was pregnant. I was on bc and it isn't really optimum time. After I got to thinking about it. This baby is gods gift. I'm okay with everything now, and I never want my child to know how I felt when I found out I was pregnant I feel so guilty for not being happy. So now I can be excited for finding out the sex and everything else :)Click to expand...
> 
> How would you have felt if someone told you to put your baby up for adoption because you were upset about being pregnant?
> 
> You might not have "meant" it a certain way... but that was a horrible thing to say. She's allowed to be upset.. just like you were upset when you found out you were pregnant.Click to expand...



You know what I actually thought about it, and also thought about abortion that's human nature. I put on my big girl pants and am doing what I need to for my baby. If I thought adoption was beat for my child I wouldn't be selfish and I would do it don't try to act like you know me


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## EmmyReece

excuse me but you don't need to swear at MizzDeeDee, that's completely uncalled for


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## Newmommy2011

When you try to give advice and people keep on jumping your case you can deal with it however you want and I'll deal with it my way.


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## Hayley90

EmmyReece said:


> excuse me but you don't need to swear at MizzDeeDee, that's completely uncalled for

:thumbup:

X


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## EmmyReece

Newmommy2011 said:


> When you try to give advice and people keep on jumping your case you can deal with it however you want and I'll deal with it my way.

it's a public forum and people don't want to read language like you posted, why couldn't you have worded it a different way rather than coming out with that filth???

and from what I read, however harshly you worded it, I didn't see you offering any constructive advice to the op other than telling her she was selfish. maybe you should read your posts over before clicking the submit reply button :shrug:


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## Newmommy2011

I was giving this lady advice because that I is how I would handle it and because it's not the way you guys would handle having a child that you would resent, you guys jump my case. You guys don't know me and don't know her. Maybe she would rather put her child up for adoption then loose her husband, maybe they'll move on and love the baby and just maybe he leaves her and chooses to keep the baby. I was stating how I would react if I knew I was going to feel even after therapy yet you guys push away my opinion and try to make me feel like s#%! brcause it was different from your idea of how to react. In the end I was just giving an option and I find it ridiculous that everyone is acting this way because my way of dealing with things is different than yours, so yeah I'm starting to get pissed that when I wasn't judging her and just saying what I think would be best for the child. Now I'm being judged!


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## EmmyReece

How is this not judging her???



Newmommy2011 said:


> I know a lot of people that would be ecstatic to have any child and you are being selfish.

Yeah we might not know the OP but we didn't call her selfish. I know there's different ways of offering advice, but that was just cruel and heartless I'm sorry to say :shrug:


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## MizzDeeDee

Newmommy2011 said:


> When you try to give advice and people keep on jumping your case you can deal with it however you want and I'll deal with it my way.

Jumping on your case.. by telling you that you are allowed to be upset just like she is allowed to be upset? That's jumping on your case?

You're just angry because I brought to your attention that you had a problem with your pregnancy just like she did. You being upset is human nature...but I guess her emotions don't matter. 

I was simply making a point that you wouldn't appreciated if someone said something like that to you, but apparently that was lost on you. 

Not only are you being judgmental, but you're being hypocritical. I would think you would have some compassion given your history. 

You can't be so unsympathetic and expect people to not say something to you. Maybe you need to put on your big girl pants and realize that your anger and attitude is inappropriate.


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## Newmommy2011

There is also a difference with being upset with your child gender and resenting your child for something it had no control over. I can understand being upset because you want one sex and got the other but resenting your own child! Your flesh and blood???? Now someone that can do that truly needs to get counseling. I don't get what the big deal is? Yeah she's being selfish of she isn't going to get counseling. I don't see why most people anymore think they can fix everyone! Something like this they need a professional, not a blog.... That's what I was trying to get to! I see counseling and I don't see myself any worse than someone that doesn't if anything it's better to get counseling because then you can get the support and or help that you need. Whatever she does I want her to do for the baby. It's not about us anymore....


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## EmmyReece

We don't think we can "fix" her ... we were trying to offer support and not judge her. Wobbles has already made a post on the first page about people being rude and judgemental and had to come onto the thread again today because of it.

At the end of the day calling someone selfish for how they feel is being rude and judgemental. How would you feel if you'd posted a thread asking for support and advice and people had posted in the manner that you did?


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## MizzDeeDee

Newmommy2011 said:


> There is also a difference with being upset with your child gender and resenting your child for something it had no control over. I can understand being upset because you want one sex and got the other but resenting your own child! Your flesh and blood???? Now someone that can do that truly needs to get counseling. I don't get what the big deal is? Yeah she's being selfish of she isn't going to get counseling. I don't see why most people anymore think they can fix everyone! Something like this they need a professional, not a blog.... That's what I was trying to get to! I see counseling and I don't see myself any worse than someone that doesn't if anything it's better to get counseling because then you can get the support and or help that you need. Whatever she does I want her to do for the baby. It's not about us anymore....

Oh my.. your child couldn't help being conceived. I am sorry. You seem to have one set of rules for you and another for OP. 

I think that again, if have nothing to contribute then you might need to look to another thread where you can be more compassionate. 

You need to get off that high horse you're on. That fall from the saddle is gonna be pretty painful.


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## Newmommy2011

No, I got help where I needed it, and if I hadn't that would've been selfish of myself too! There is a difference between being upset and resenting your child that is the only thing that I was commenting on when I first did. I can understand being upset, just not resenting your child. I did think about adoption. If I were to resent my child then I would give it to someone that would love it! I don't get how I'm being hypocritical? Yeah I was upset, but I worked through it by getting counseling. I didn't go onto a blog and just post my issues to get everyones advice. Im not a very sympathetic person. I never got sympathy from my parents and I don't even show it with my bf. Not every woman is made the same way which we all know. I just don't see why if you wanted a boy so bad to get yourself ready to have a girl then you aren't dissapointed, and if it's a boy that's a ++


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## StirCrazy

Closed.

This thread has run its course. The original poster hasn't been back since she posted it (Dec 20th, 2010).


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