# feeling so alone



## wishingalways

I feel so alone, even though im not and have a great family and support. I had bleeding on wed, came in on thursday night and was told my baby had died I was just over 16 weeks. Was induced and gave birth all in a little under 24 hrs. I got to hold my tiny but perfect little baba and will never forget how perfect he looked.

I feel so empty. It tookme and myDH 7 years and IVF to conceive my daughter and she was born pappy and healthyin January, she has just turned 7 months. When she was 3 months totally unexpexctedly out of the blue I found out I was pregnant. We couldnt quite believe our eyes we felt like the luckiest people alive. To have conceived naturally was amazing.

I also have a 10 year old who we told about the baby after my 12 week scan and he was over the moon that he was getting another brother or sister. I now have to go home when I get discharged and somehow tell him whats happened.

I feel like this should all be a dream. Im sitting here alone in the labour ward fee.i g like a nusiance. During birth the placenta got stuck and I lost near,y 4 pints of blood and I was very ill but after some blood transfusions im feeling a bit better. The mw yesterday who delivered my baby were amazing but today its new mw and I feel like no one wants to come and talk to me, its like they are avoiding me. My husbands on his way in but I cant stop crying and I know soon I will have togo home and tell my son whats happened.

I could really do with some support right now from anyobe who is willing to talk. Xxx


----------



## podders91

I am so sorry to hear this :(
A lot of people dont know what to say. MW's see so many births day in day out that it can hit them hard too when someone loses a child. They're not avoiding you I promise. Maybe they think you need some time in private. As for your little one, maybe your OH can tell him? I'm sure he doesn't want to but after what you've been through it would be a weight off your shoulders to not have that responsibility. 
For now, focus on yourself. Cry it all out. Take as long as you need to feel better and focus on the amazing miracles that you already have. 
However, take hope in your natural conception. Sometimes an artificial conception can bump start your fertility into doing what it should. Maybe your angel was here to let you know that anything is possible.


----------



## wishingalways

Tnank you so much for your reply, it meant a lot. I know most people dont know what to say but I really think I need to talk to someone who knows how I feel and because I dont have anyone its hard always having to explain things.

I got discharged yesterday and we sat down and told our son together, it was awful, to see him in so much pain. Pain that I couldnt take away. He got up after crying for 10 minutes and went through to his sister, picked her up and squeezed and hugged her so tight, which is exactly what me and my dh did when we got home from the hospital. We are so grateful for the family we have and that we were blessed with being able to have our little girl together. My son is from a previous relationship. I had got so used tous having 3 children when I found out I was pregnant naturally, we had it all planned and now I have no idea if I will ever fall pregnant again and that is also hard to bear right now.

Thank you for replying though it was nice of you.
Xx


----------



## LoraLoo

:hugs: Im so sorry for your loss hun. Does your baby have a name?

You story sounds quite similar to mine- we lost Alfie at almost 18 weeks into the pregnancy (we also lost Eve at 5 days old) the m/w sent me for a scan after struggling to find the heartbeat which showed baby had died. I was induced and like you placenta retained- very painful and lots of blood loss.

Physically, it took me about 6 weeks to recover. Emotionally? Im not sure you ever do, but you will get lots of support on here and SANDS could also offer you some support hun, they have a forum. If you ever want to chat im around on here most days, feel free to pm me.

Thinking of you xx


----------



## wishingalways

Thank you lora loo its a relief to actually find someone who has gone through the same thing and that also has other children. Sometimes I feel really guilty for feeling so sad because I have two beautiful children and if yoy had asked me a year or so ago I would have said all I want is a child with my husband which is exactly what I got. I couldnt believe it when we were lucky enough to have ivf work first time, but the 7 year journey leading up to that is one I would not want to go through again. We were so happy with our family and life and then unexpectadly we fell pregnant naturally. Nobody could quiet believe it, I couldnt believe it. I thought my god how lucky am i, then my world came crashing down and now I feel incomplete. We had all go so used to the idea of another family member and my son was so excited. 

My biggest fear now is that we wont be able to concieve again and I will fall into that horrible black hole of wanting another child and not being able to, lime before we had ivf. Its the not knowing thats hard.

We werent able to know the sex for some reason and I am struggling with that, trying to pick a unisex name but its really hard. I dont even know if they will find that out in the pist mortem because aparently the mw said the baby was very small for the gestation. I passed over 15 big clots and the placenta was in a bad way so thats obviously what. Caused it.

How did you get through it, its bad enough when its a late miscarriage but to then have your baby eve lost at 5 days old must have been awful. It makes me feel bad to feel so sad when other people have suffered through much worse, at least I only carried my baby for 16 weeks and not full term. I dont think I could have gone on if that had happened to me, although I suppose you have to think of your other children. Xx


----------



## LoraLoo

Y pain is your own hun you can't compare it to other losses. That little baby was just as important to you as a baby at full term, 5 days or beyond. I do think having other children helps in some ways, it gives you a purpose, a reason to carry on , but at the same time it can also make it hard to grieve as you don't really get that time alone just to think and remember. Just take a day at a time, the days do get easier with time :hugs: I promise. As for having another little one I think that's something the majority of mums yearn for after a loss, it's like a huge overwhelming feeling. I really hope you manage to get your rainbow baby hub, my friend needed ivf for her first then fell naturally with the other 2, as pp said sometimes it seems to kick start your body somehow ( really hope that doesn't sound offendive, hope you know what I mean) I hope the pm brings you some answers as I think it's important for some sort of closure and moving forward xxx


----------



## Radiance

:hugs: I'm very sorry for your loss <3
They aren't avoiding you, they most likely just don't know what to say or think you want privacy. My first week everyone sent a lot of messages of support but during this week everyone has backed off and I also feel alone in this. No one talks to me, I try not to feel too bad about it because I know it's because they just have no clue what I'm going through. 

My labor story is slightly similar, at the end I started gushing blood but it wasn't to the point I needed a transfusion, I also got very ill. I threw up several times and had diarrhea the whole time :( It was awful. A few days being home, a huge piece of placenta came out.. So far everything is back on track! 

And you should never feel bad for feeling the way you do. You carried a beautiful baby over 16 weeks, your baby. Each one of us had expectations and dreams of our lives with our angel babies. I actually get upset when people think that because you were in your first or second trimester think these losses don't matter. They do so much!! 

<3


----------



## Radiance

https://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

<3 Big hugs!!!


----------



## wishingalways

Thank you Radiance. I realise now looking back they probably did just think I wanted privacy but I had noone there at tge time to support me the next day as my husband had gone home to look after the other children and noone came to even ask if I was ok for even a few minutes. I sat and cried alone in my room and I could have really used a cuddle or a shoulder, anyway im home now and to be honest I just want to run away. I want to go and be alone and cry as much as I want to but my children need me. 

I am really struggling with not knowing what sex my baby is so I phoned the hospital today and actually the midwife who looked after me the next day was really nice on the phone and said she would phone the pathologist and make sure they find out and I will find out at my follow up appointment.

I love the name elijah its beautiful and I had a look at the link you posted too. The drawings in the sand are gorgeous. X 

I went onto the sands forum to try and speak to people but it makes me feel even sadder knowing how many people go through this heart ache. I want to hold onto a glimour of hope that we will be able to have another baby one day. X


----------



## Cheska

So sorry you lost your beautiful baby. Wishing you much strength in the coming hours, days and weeks. The early days are so difficult. It will never go away but time will eventually ease the pain you are feeling right now xxx


----------



## flycrazybird

<3 i too feel alone in my miscarriage. My husband seems to be doing okay and everyone seems to be over it. 
I think at a certain point, all mothers that suffer a miscarriage/still birth feel alone. Because it happened to us, inside us. Its easy to feel like its our fault, that we weren't enough for a baby. I've been struggling with these feelings since the weekend when i learned about my baby's death at 14 weeks. 
Maybe try doing something nice for you. go get your nails done are get a massage. hug your family and maybe have a game night. I've been trying to do normal things with my family to show myself that terrible things with no reasoning happen, but our life goes on and there are people that need us. Cry when you need to and leave it open to your son that he can tak about the baby whenever he needs to.
this is the worst thing ive ever been through and i cant imagine going through it more than once. but know you are not alone and when you feel like it, talk to us on here. because no one can understand more than other mothers that aree going through it too.
Hugs and prayers being sent your way. <3


----------



## Samie18

Sorry for your loss and sorry you didn't feel supported.
I'm a Midwife and every loss i'm part off is one you never forget. And although no where near as upsetting for you it effects us all. i'm sure they felt they we're doing the best by giving you time but i understand it's not always what you want.

I hope you are getting support and deal with your loss whatever way feels right for you and take time. This is a great network for support.

xx


----------

