# My story



## Rachiebaby24

Ok here goes.......

Joined this forum in 2008 when I thought I was pregnant - turns out I was!! :happydance: 

As early as I was, I knew I wanted a boy. All my life I have yearned for a son - dont ask me why I dont know. I have always wanted a son and never even imagined myself with a daughter. My OH has two girls from a previous relationship and did have a boy (but he was born too premature and did not make it).

When i found out i was pregnant, everyone assumed I wanted a boy for my OH (who really wants a son) but although i did, i wanted a son for myself. I built myself up to be having a boy even though i just knew i was having a girl. My mum and sister and friends all wanted me to have a girl but i wanted a boy. Before the scan I posted on here about how i was feeling as i felt very guilty....i had some negative comments such as be grateful but on the whole not too bad. 

I had my 20 week scan and was told she was a girl. I cried during the scan and after - i just couldnt help it. Eventually though I just started to look forward to meeting my baby and i went into labour on 13th November and 4 hours later my beautiful Maley was born. I didnt feel rush of love straight away, not because she wasnt a boy (although i did a quick check JUST IN CASE) but i think it was all overwhelming and her birth was very quick. Few weeks on and i fell so much in love with her that i was glad we dont get to choose the sex because i wouldnt have had my girl.....

4 months after my Maley was born my sister fell pregnant. I was convinced she was having a boy and was soo upset and jealous at the thought of her having a boy. and i hate to say it but when she found out she was having a girl at her scan i was relieved. :cry:

7 months after having Maley I fell pregnant again. This time i thought i was having a boy as the pregnancy was so different. lo and behold - im crying at the scan because im told i was having a girl. the disappointment seems to get worse and worse for me. I told my mum i wouldnt have any more babies because i couldnt handle the feeling of guilt when i was disappointed. all my friends on facebook were eager to know and all i put on the status was "its a girl" no happiness or excitement or joy at all. (hate myself for that now)

My Remi was born in April and she is such a mummys girl and my little rebel!! 

I have had a lot of discussions on here and having to defend myself so i think this forum is great as i certainly could have done with extra support when i was pregnant. 

Cut to now and the disappointment at not having a son is still there. When family or friends tell me their pregnant i panic in case they have a boy....i get all upset thinking about it. I have the contraceptive implant and m in two minds to have "one last try" when this comes out in 2 years - i dont want to resign myself to not having a son but i dont think i can handle the disappointment again - especially if it will be my last baby. 

i wish i could say that the feeling has gone away but sometimes it consumes me. I love my girls so much and glad i cant choose in a way because i wouldnt have my girls and i look forward to a future with my daughters but the yearning for a son hasnt gone away or even lessened...if anything its worse.

People need to understand that its a feeling that cannot be helped and its more than "oh i wouldnt mind one of each or i want a boy/girl". It can be depressing at times for me and i feel not only my own disappointment but my OHs. No-one tells a woman with PND to "be grateful you have a healthy baby" so to me its the same with GENDER disappointment. We dont want to feel this way but cant help it. At least with PND you can get medication. 

anyway im rambling now but wanted to say Hi and tell my story 

x


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## MeAndMyShadow

Thanks for sharing your story hun xxx


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## rwhite

Thanks for sharing your story doll, I really relate to everything you've said, despite only having the one child myself and of the opposite sex to yours. I become obsessed with what the gender of my friends and families unborn children will be, and even using this forum if I see that somebody is having a girl I instantly feel bitter. 

I hope we both get our dream genders in future and it can heal some of the emotional turmoil that comes along with having GD

:hugs:


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## BlueHadeda

Rachiebaby24 said:


> People need to understand that its a feeling that cannot be helped and its more than "oh i wouldnt mind one of each or i want a boy/girl". It can be depressing at times for me and i feel not only my own disappointment but my OHs. No-one tells a woman with PND to "be grateful you have a healthy baby" so to me its the same with GENDER disappointment. We dont want to feel this way but cant help it. At least with PND you can get medication.

Oh wow, I never thought about it like this, but gosh, you're so right! My husband also said "How can you help what you feel? You feel what you feel. It's not wrong!" I have rarely came across a woman who wanted another gender, who didn't still love and adore her baby. 

And thank you for being so open and honest. It's good to realise other people feel the same way. I always felt guilty for being envious when other people have the gender I wanted, or being glad when they didn't! I felt like such a horrible friend.


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## Missy86

Thanks for sharing hun x


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## mummystheword

"No-one tells a woman with PND to "be grateful you have a healthy baby" so to me its the same with GENDER disappointment. We dont want to feel this way but cant help it. At least with PND you can get medication."

This is sooo true! I felt exactly the same (I will get around to writing my story on here). This part of the forum is such a good idea as I wrote a thread back when I was pregnant (and awaited the negative comments). I hope it is comforting for ladies who experience GD now though :thumbup:

https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-second-trimester/591518-gender-disappointment.html


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