# Feeling lost



## sharan

I lost my little boy yesterday morning at 22 weeks after going into pre-term labour.

I was admitted to hospital on Sunday night when I noticed blood whenever I wiped. At hospital I was told that the neck of the womb had started thinning and water sac had started bulging outwards by a cm. For that reason I was told by the OB that they will have to wait and see if the bleeding settles for at least 24 hrs before they will consider stitching the womb shut. However I was told that I'm very high risk of a miscarriage.

By Monday morning the bleeding had completely stopped and I had absolutely no pains or cramps. The OB came round to check me and baby and there he was on the scanner kicking and wiggling away. He was totally oblivious to everything. The OB said its a good sign things were settling and that if things remain as they do by Tuesday morning then they can consider progesterone and stitching.

The day went by and I became more and more optimistic. I even started to feel Beanie kick and move for the first time due to my anterior placenta. So I thought surely that's all a good sign. The OB came checked on Beanie and I and once again all was well. In fact I even said I feel perfectly normal again as though nothing has happened. The OB said he will check on me in the morning at 8.30 and then take it from there.

That night I slept peacefully knowing that things were starting to look up. I got woken up at 6.30 to some terrible pains in my stomach. I dismissed it as I thought it was due to the fact I was lying on my right side. Then again 15 mins later I got another sharp cramping pain. I again didn't think much of it but buzzed the alarm to inform the midwife. She checked my stomach and said that she couldn't feel anything when I said I'm getting the cramps so it could be just stretching pain. So I got out of bed and visited the loo and saw no blood and thought great this is good. Then as I brushed my teeth I felt the sharp tightening pain again but this time it was in my lower back too and there was no mistaking it; those were my contractions. I panicked and started shouting 'no no' as I just wanted my body to stop. I pressed the alarm again and at the same time called my husband who I sent home last night as he had not had any proper sleep. 

The midwives came in and saw me slouched over the chair and said they need to go get the one who is caring for me. A little while later another returned all cheery and said 'ahh so you're going to have you're baby now. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl'. At this point I knew that she clearly didn't know why I was there do whilst pushing back the tears I screamed it's a boy and I'm only 22 weeks. At this she turned to the others there and said get her notes now. 

I was moved on to the bed and given gas and air and then the urge to push came. I was told push on my contractions which I did. First the membranes came out then the Beanie whilst still in the sac then my placenta.

Beanie was born sleeping at 7.54am. He was perfectly formed and the most beautiful baby. I cried and kept apologising to him whilst I held him as I blame myself and body for him going. If it wasn't for my body failing him then he would still be inside me.

It's now over 24 hrs since I lost him and I feel so lost. Like a part of me has been ripped out. I even think I can still feel him kicking but I know it's not possible. I don't know what to do. My husband is trying to be strong and is going on like nothing has happened which I know is a copying mechanism for him but I can't just do that. I don't want to see anyone including my other son who is with my parents I just want this grief to go away.


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## nicksi27

Omg sharan im so sorry for your loss - my heart breaks for you reading your story. no words can ease the pain you are feeling right now; you must be in complete shock and despair. I remember the feelings of emptiness and anger. I was angry at myself and felt guilt that my body had let me down but you had no control over your body and its NOT your fault. when it happened to me i just wanted to shut everybody out and totally isolate myself - my OH tried to get me to snap out of it but i couldnt thats our coping mechanism, men grieve in a totally different way. Im sorry that i dont have any advice, it just takes time but you WILL start to feel better, the pain WILL ease. We are all here for you on this site and i hope you will find some comfort talking to people who have or are going through the same situation. once again, im so sorry you are going through this - its the worst pain in the world, like a physical pain. thinking of you xx


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## sharan

Nicksi27 thank you so much for your kind words. I'm just finding it hard to comprehend that come a few months time I won't be having my baby. I waited until after my 20 week scan before I bought anything and actually only bought his coming home outfit on the morning I got admitted to hospital. You think once you're over the 12 week mark that everything will be ok but that's not the case.

I have a massive yearning to be pregnant again. Not to replace my little boy because nothing and no one can replace him and he will always have a special place in my heart. But I just want another a child.


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## nicksi27

sharan said:


> Nicksi27 thank you so much for your kind words. I'm just finding it hard to comprehend that come a few months time I won't be having my baby. I waited until after my 20 week scan before I bought anything and actually only bought his coming home outfit on the morning I got admitted to hospital. You think once you're over the 12 week mark that everything will be ok but that's not the case.
> 
> I have a massive yearning to be pregnant again. Not to replace my little boy because nothing and no one can replace him and he will always have a special place in my heart. But I just want another a child.

:hugs: I understand your massive yearning to be pregnant again. Nothing can ever replace the little babies who are no longer with us but, if you're like me, you had all these dreams and hopes for this baby and they have all be snatched away and you need those dreams back is that how you are feeling? i was also waiting until after my 20 week scan to buy things because i always had this uneasy feeling that something was going to go wrong ... natural worrying or intuition i guess ill never know. All i do know is that one minute we were looking forward to seeing our baby at the scan and the next minute we were planning his funeral. I think the yearning for another baby is natural because after we lose a baby we are left devestated and feeling empty. You will go through every emotion possible in the comings weeks - be gentle with yourself and dont let anybody tell you how you should grieve. you will get though this at your own pace. feel free to pm me at any time. :hugs:


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## MizzPodd

Sharan I am so sorry for your loss... I too just recently delivered a beautiful baby boy. He was healthy too and kicking the whole time. No one grieves the same, and I think you are so strong every day you can wake up and live. My husband is very strong and holds it together when I breakdown sometimes. I think that all of these truamatic experiences we go through only makes us stronger individuals. I hope that doesn't sound cliche but I believe we are the stronger ones of our species. We learn how precious life is, and I know we know how to not take it for granted. 
Sweetie, it is completely normal to blame yourself, I am still blaming myself. Even if people say its not your fault, they don't understand how you feel unless they go through it. You and the other ladies are in my prayers, and I think if we all keep talking to each other, we will make it through this difficult time...


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am so deeply sorry for your loss..:cry::cry::cry:


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## Lottelotte

I am so very very sorry for your loss.
:hugs:
Xx


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## SassyLou

So sorry :hugs:


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## sharan

Thank you all for the lovely replies. I'm guessing what really gets to me is that I don't know why it happened. I generally a logical person and for me every cause has to have reason that I can look back and think...'yeh that was why'. But in this case I'm at a loss. I done everything by the book, I eat healthily, my weight was within the healthy range in fact I had barely put on weight, I was still doing moderate exercise but listening to my body and stopping when necessary. Beanie measured 3 days ahead at my 20 week scan so he was going strong...so why did this happen to me? My last pregnancy was perfect throughout.

I've got a consultants follow up appointment in Sept where I'm hoping they'll be able to shed some light. I've discussed it with my DH and we do want to try straight away and will wait until or near to my consultants appt before we try. I'm 31 this year and have always wanted 3 children so don't want to leave it too late.

We are going back to the hospital tomorrow morning to meet up with the Certificate Officer to arrange the funeral which is going to be so hard. No parent should be organising the funeral of their child!


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## MizzPodd

sharan said:


> Thank you all for the lovely replies. I'm guessing what really gets to me is that I don't know why it happened. I generally a logical person and for me every cause has to have reason that I can look back and think...'yeh that was why'. But in this case I'm at a loss. I done everything by the book, I eat healthily, my weight was within the healthy range in fact I had barely put on weight, I was still doing moderate exercise but listening to my body and stopping when necessary. Beanie measured 3 days ahead at my 20 week scan so he was going strong...so why did this happen to me? My last pregnancy was perfect throughout.
> 
> I've got a consultants follow up appointment in Sept where I'm hoping they'll be able to shed some light. I've discussed it with my DH and we do want to try straight away and will wait until or near to my consultants appt before we try. I'm 31 this year and have always wanted 3 children so don't want to leave it too late.
> 
> We are going back to the hospital tomorrow morning to meet up with the Certificate Officer to arrange the funeral which is going to be so hard. No parent should be organising the funeral of their child!

Sharan I completely understand honey. My baby boy was measuring 5 days ahead and I too was healthy and keeping a good eating diet as well as exercising.... Our babies were strong boys because they both were in good health, and it makes me wonder what could have happened??? I only got the infection after the sac of water started coming out. He was born normally like my daughter was; he wasn't in the sac or anything; it was a regular delivery. I am realistic and can understand why stuff happens too, but they have no explanations... I know it will be hard going through the arrangements. August 5th will be one month since we goodbye and I am dreading the day. I just want the hurt and pain to go away. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to try again... I stopped bleeding after 6 days when I got home, and I healed quickly versus with my daughter. We are trying again starting next friday after my 6 week check up because we want 4 kids, and still feel it was meant to be. I will have my angel always and his siblings will always be protected because he will be watching over them.

Let me know if you need to talk on PM or anything because I know I need someone or someones o talk to right now.:hugs:


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## chrislo4

I'm so sorry for your loss xxx


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## MalcolmsMiss

:hugs: I am so sorry


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## sharan

I haven't felt brave enough to come back and post for the last few days and now it's been a week since my little Prince became an Angel. I'm finding each day easier and I went to go see my little Angel today at the Chapel of Rest. He looked so peaceful and calm. He is so beautiful x

https://i.imgur.com/KFeLo.jpg


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## Sarahcake

Sharan, apologies for my intrusion into this section. 
I just wanted to come in and find out how you were doing so far, Im horrible with words but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are as well as you can be right now. 

Sukha is beautiful :) From what I can see from your avatar picture, he looks a lot like his older brother.

Anyways, ill bow out now, just wanted to come in with a hug and my best wishes, to not just Sharan but to all of you ladies xxx


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## MizzPodd

He is absolutely beautiful. He looks so peaceful and angelic. I pray you are doing okay... I had my baby boy Dejuan Jr. cremated so he would always be close to me. I know you are feeling it hard right now, but it will get a tad bit better in days to come. Everyone heals at their own pace. I find myself having spurs of depression and then I am okay. I think you should take your time and get through this the best way you know how sweetie. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

*There's nothing wrong with how you handle this time; I know that I have breakdowns sometimes out of nowhere still but no one judges it because we all are different. Please PM, again, if need someone to talk to.

You are VERY brave for posting this...:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

He is absolutely gorgeous. Thank you SO much for sharing your precious son with us. My heart is broken for you..:cry::cry::cry::cry: Rest in peace little one. I am just so so sorry XOXOO 
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## foxykins

so sorry :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## GuardianAngel

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## sharan

Sarahcake said:


> Sharan, apologies for my intrusion into this section.
> I just wanted to come in and find out how you were doing so far, Im horrible with words but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are as well as you can be right now.
> 
> Sukha is beautiful :) From what I can see from your avatar picture, he looks a lot like his older brother.
> 
> Anyways, ill bow out now, just wanted to come in with a hug and my best wishes, to not just Sharan but to all of you ladies xxx

Hi Sarah, I don't mind your intrusion at all x

I'm doing so much better now, thank you. I've come to accept what has happened and I'm in a much better place now. So that's the emotional side of me however rational side of me needs some medical answers. I'm so desperate to try again but know I should wait until my consultants appt. I really don't want a repeat of what happened.

As soon as I held him my first thought was 'Oh my days he looks just like Mehtab'. He has an identical button nose and beautiful mouth. I would have loved to have known what he would look like at 2yrs old. Whether he would have the same sort of outgoing, energetic and boisterous personality as Mehtab. Alas it wasn't meant to be. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. They do mean so much and I am genuinely touched xx


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## sharan

MizzPodd said:


> He is absolutely beautiful. He looks so peaceful and angelic. I pray you are doing okay... I had my baby boy Dejuan Jr. cremated so he would always be close to me. I know you are feeling it hard right now, but it will get a tad bit better in days to come. Everyone heals at their own pace. I find myself having spurs of depression and then I am okay. I think you should take your time and get through this the best way you know how sweetie. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> *There's nothing wrong with how you handle this time; I know that I have breakdowns sometimes out of nowhere still but no one judges it because we all are different. Please PM, again, if need someone to talk to.
> 
> You are VERY brave for posting this...:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Mizzpodd, thank you so much x I did get your PM but I just wanted to avoid coming on here for a while. I hope you don't mind.

We are having Sukha cremated too next Friday. We haven't decided what we will be doing with ashes yet.

I'm beginning to have more better days than not which is mainly down to the wonderful support I'm getting. Also my midwife has been lovely and spent over an hr with me the other day.

Your very strong too and I'm glad that you too are ok. I think we are lucky that we have another child at home that we can focus are energy on. I think that helps loads. :hugs:


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## nicksi27

Thank you so much for sharing beautiful pictures of your beautiful little angel. Xxx


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## Sarahcake

sharan said:


> Sarahcake said:
> 
> 
> Sharan, apologies for my intrusion into this section.
> I just wanted to come in and find out how you were doing so far, Im horrible with words but just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are as well as you can be right now.
> 
> Sukha is beautiful :) From what I can see from your avatar picture, he looks a lot like his older brother.
> 
> Anyways, ill bow out now, just wanted to come in with a hug and my best wishes, to not just Sharan but to all of you ladies xxx
> 
> Hi Sarah, I don't mind your intrusion at all x
> 
> I'm doing so much better now, thank you. I've come to accept what has happened and I'm in a much better place now. So that's the emotional side of me however rational side of me needs some medical answers. I'm so desperate to try again but know I should wait until my consultants appt. I really don't want a repeat of what happened.
> 
> As soon as I held him my first thought was 'Oh my days he looks just like Mehtab'. He has an identical button nose and beautiful mouth. I would have loved to have known what he would look like at 2yrs old. Whether he would have the same sort of outgoing, energetic and boisterous personality as Mehtab. Alas it wasn't meant to be.
> 
> Thank you so much for your thoughts. They do mean so much and I am genuinely touched xxClick to expand...

So glad to hear that your in a better place emotionally, I wish I could give you some advice but the best ive got is stay strong, you are doing so well :) 
I hope you get the answers you are looking for from the doctors as to what happened, he does look so small and perfect doesn't he.

The first similarity I saw between the pictures actually was his nose and mouth are so so similar to Mehtab, Im amazed that for someone so little, the resemblance is so striking at that gestation.

I really hope you are able to find peace after this, and please dont hesitate to give me a PM if you want a chat, I cant promise I can offer useful advice, but im a good listener :) Take care of yourself hun, xx


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## sharan

I feel as though I have taken 10 steps backwards today! 

I had my son's funeral this morning. It was a small and initimate service with only immediate family being there. I absolutely broke down when I saw the small coffin. I can't believe that that is it. He is no longer the concern of the hospital and he will matter no more to anyone other than us. Legally he does not even exist!


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## Sarahcake

I have no advice for you hun, I just wanted to offer you a massive hug. I cant even begin to imagine how hard today was for you and your family.

Your son matters to the right people hun, you and your family. xxx


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## sharan

Sarahcake said:


> I have no advice for you hun, I just wanted to offer you a massive hug. I cant even begin to imagine how hard today was for you and your family.
> 
> Your son matters to the right people hun, you and your family. xxx

Thank you so much for your kind words x

I thought I was beginning to feel better but today just made me realise that I was just suppressing my true feelings. I'm not sure what what I can do make it all better.


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## Sarahcake

sharan said:


> Sarahcake said:
> 
> 
> I have no advice for you hun, I just wanted to offer you a massive hug. I cant even begin to imagine how hard today was for you and your family.
> 
> Your son matters to the right people hun, you and your family. xxx
> 
> Thank you so much for your kind words x
> 
> I thought I was beginning to feel better but today just made me realise that I was just suppressing my true feelings. I'm not sure what what I can do make it all better.Click to expand...

Im not sure there is anything really you can pro actively do to make it all better, nothing you can do will change what is happened, as much as we would all love it to work that way :( 

Think it is gonna be a case of just taking each day as it comes, don't expect too much of yourself, you arnt superwoman. Ride it through as it happens, you want to cry, you cry, etc. Allow yourself the time to grieve, don't bottle it up. 

Thats the only real advice I can offer. Ive lost every member of my family besides my dad and my brother and this is how ive got through but ive never been in the same position to you so ive no idea if thats actually useful or not. 

Massive massive :hugs: to you xxx


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## Melanieanne77

Thanks for sharing the story of your beautiful boy. x


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## Blu_Butterfly

:hugs: just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and your family :hugs:


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## sharan

Blu_Butterfly said:


> :hugs: just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you and your family :hugs:

Thank you Blu xx


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## BlessedWomb

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby he was 20 weeks on Monday. He was my first born. It was my birthday. May God continue to bless us as we go through the pain. Every day my body is a reminder of what happened to me and I am too devastated.


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