# Funeral day approaching



## PallyD

Hi, 

I've got my baby girls funeral on the 15th and I'm dreading it. I've sorted everything out for the service but I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through the actual day. I've also been sorting out the complaints case with the hospital which is now an ongoing investigation and I just feel everythings sucked out of me and I don't know how much more I can take. I've pretty much been doing it all alone.

I don't know if its normal but ever since we've come home from hospital after giving birth to Hope (2 weeks ago) my husband doesn't want to discuss anything about the funeral or complaints investigation. He hasn't even asked me what was discussed at the meeting. I've pretty much told him what I've organised for Hope's service as he didn't ask questions. When I try talking to him its always he's very tired and we'll talk later even if I just generally want to talk. The later never comes and it all just gets brushed under the carpet. He was a rock when I was in hospital and was really there for me and at home he does everything to help with our two yr old but when it comes to me wanting to talk about anything to do with Hope he doesn't want to. He has always been a man of little words but at a time like this I just don't know what to think. He's made odd comments out of the blue how Hope is beautiful etc but for me its not enough and frustrates me. Sorry just realised I've gone on.


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## due3may12

hey hun sorry for your loss! i lost kevin at 18 weeks but my OH was great! but thats just men! they grieve in different ways! your Oh could stil be grieveing! the week i had to wait at home to see did i mc naturally, gerard was a depressed head and i had to comfort him but wen i went to hosp he was oppisite! but i think he had time to come to terms with things! was your mc sudden or was it mmc? 
on another note, im proud of you on how strong you are to look after service on your own! i know i wouldnt have been able to!
im here anytime if you need to chat! 
all my love Karen! 
xxxxxxxx


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## OliveBay

As PP said, men grieve very differently to us. They will often keep things inside because they are no so used to discussing emotions, plus they also often feel like they have to put on a brave face for us as they have to be 'the strong one'.

Please don't let this come between you, just accept that you are going through this in slightly different ways but you still need each other massively. Let this awful experience make you stronger as a couple, as no-one in your lives except for each other really knows what you have been through.

You have been so strong making the arrangements on your own and I really hope the funeral brings you both some closure so you can move on to the next stage of your grief. Be gentle on yourselves, as it is still very early days and your emotions (and hormones) are still running very high. Sending you lots of support and love :hugs:


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## Bride2b

I want to reassure you 100% that blokes deal with stuff differently. Your OH practically mimics what mine has been like. I go to see the counsellor at the hospital, and most of my sessions revolve around talking about him & how he doesnt talk much about Bertie, rather he avoids having to discuss stuff or changes the subject so I cant say what I need to. There never feels like a right moment to approach the subject and it feels like your walking on egg shells. My OH and I had a huge row about the funeral. The vicor was coming to see us that day and we hadnt discussed music or poems etc. He just snapped and said "what are we meant to discuss, its a funeral for a baby we dont even know." That tipped me over the edge. I get what he was saying, he hadnt developed a personality or 'lived' so we didnt really know him, but I felt like I knew him as he was growing inside me. Men dont have the same connection & dont really know how to deal with a funeral a) for 'someone' they never got to have a connection with/got to know & b)for their own child. 
Most men try and be strong for us, but by being 'strong' doesnt help as it appears that they dont care.

I too was so scared of the funeral, we had to wait almost 4 weeks for it, and honestly I think I would have been less scared if I was facing the death penalty. I can not put into words the fear I felt. I was terrified. I remember the horrible drive to the crematorium, and pulling into the drive and seeing the hearse with his tiny casket in. It all felt so public (even though now one else would have seen - except the traffic on the way there). No one should have to see a tiny casket in a hearse, I know that people must have seen it and thought "oh god that poor family have lost a baby" as thats what I would have said. 
I do want to reassure you though that some how the funeral itself was 'nice.' It sounds weird saying nice, but I cant think of another word for it. Yes I cried the whole way through & I couldnt take my eyes off the little casket, but it was done in the best way it could have been. We light candles and listened to music we had chosen. Its not something I never want to experience again, but I did find some peace in the funeral. Its really hard to explain.

Sending you lots of strength at this difficult time hun xx :hugs:


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## dancareoi

PallyD said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've got my baby girls funeral on the 15th and I'm dreading it. I've sorted everything out for the service but I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through the actual day. I've also been sorting out the complaints case with the hospital which is now an ongoing investigation and I just feel everythings sucked out of me and I don't know how much more I can take. I've pretty much been doing it all alone.
> 
> I don't know if its normal but ever since we've come home from hospital after giving birth to Hope (2 weeks ago) my husband doesn't want to discuss anything about the funeral or complaints investigation. He hasn't even asked me what was discussed at the meeting. I've pretty much told him what I've organised for Hope's service as he didn't ask questions. When I try talking to him its always he's very tired and we'll talk later even if I just generally want to talk. The later never comes and it all just gets brushed under the carpet. He was a rock when I was in hospital and was really there for me and at home he does everything to help with our two yr old but when it comes to me wanting to talk about anything to do with Hope he doesn't want to. He has always been a man of little words but at a time like this I just don't know what to think. He's made odd comments out of the blue how Hope is beautiful etc but for me its not enough and frustrates me. Sorry just realised I've gone on.

Hi, everyone deals with things differently and quite often it`s the OH who gets forgotten by everyone. As it`s the woman who has gone through the physical stuff everyone always asks her how she is, people tend to forget the OH. They too are suffering and it`s difficult for them.

Sounds like your OH is trying to be strong for you. By not talking about it, he may think it`s not happening and everythings not real. Or if he does talk about it he may break down in tears, again he may not want you to see this. By seeing how upset you are he probably doesn`t want you to see him upset.

The funeral won`t be easy. We were lucky in the fact that we didn`t have to arrange it ourselves. The hospital and the hospital chaplain arranged everything for us, they were so good.

Our funeral was my DH and me only and the service was taken by the hospital chaplain. He did it beautifully.

It was a very sad occassion, but we were able to say goodbye.:cry:

I wish you lots of love and best wishes for Hope`s funeral on Wednesday.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:I am so sorry for your loss.
&#710;My husband did the funeral, I just could not. I wont lie , I broke down and was hysterical:cry: It is a hard thing to go through but you will get through it, but it wont be easy. I lost Ava 11 months ago and my husband still does not talk about it. If I talk about Ava he will listen, but he is just the type (i think most men are) not to get into a conversation or his feelings about her. 
I forget sometimes my husband went through hell that day :cry::cry: He delivered Ava in my house and had to hold the cord until EMS got here.
He is strong for me, but i know he suffers in silence also.

It is just the way it is for most men, I have just accepted it and i know in my heart he feels the way i feel. In all honesty none of my family talk about it and i don't ever feel comfortable talking to any of them, just my best friend do i talk about Ava too.

I wish you much peace and much strength, I am so deeply sorry you are going through this. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## PallyD

Thank you ladies it means so much you replying and I know it makes sense what your saying. My husband will listen to me but never says anything back. I am trying to accept and be understanding that most men are like that. I know he cares and I'm just worried for him too as I want to try to be there for him as well and he knows that.


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## dancareoi

PallyD said:


> Thank you ladies it means so much you replying and I know it makes sense what your saying. My husband will listen to me but never says anything back. I am trying to accept and be understanding that most men are like that. I know he cares and I'm just worried for him too as I want to try to be there for him as well and he knows that.

Hi, You have each other and that will help you through.

My DH and I will have been married 15 years in August and have been together nearly 24 years. 

We have always been there for each other and in a way this terrible experience has brought us closer together. We are both in pain and hurting.

Just be there for each other, a shoulder for each other to cry on.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## PallyD

I'm not having a good day today. For the last few days I've had a sick feeling inside which just seems to be getting worse the closer we're getting to Wednesday. I really can't face letting Hope go and I certainly don't want her to think I'm forgetting about her. I keep hearing from friends and family be strong for your first child and the funeral will hopefully be a closer. I try hard to be strong for my son but I just can't. I don't know why the last couple of days I feel like its so unfair and I want Hope back. I really, really wanted a baby girl and I was excited to buy a pink dress but all that dream shattered on the 25th. I feel so low. :cry:


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## Bride2b

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
I dont know what to say to help, but I do think after Wednesday you will feel a big weight lifted off your shoulders xx


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## dancareoi

Thinking of you today.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## rtracey80

my thoughts are with you and your family today x


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## collie_crazy

Thinking of you today and sending lots of strength xxx


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## OliveBay

I hope everything went as peacefully as it could today. Although it will probably have felt like the worst day of your lives, I hope it has brought you some closure on this sad time so that you can start to look towards a brighter future. Sending you much love and support :hugs:


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## PallyD

Thank you ladies for your supporting messages. I haven't been up to coming on until now. Funeral day was really difficult as I'm sure you all know. I crumbled as soon as they said she's in the car. I initially couldn't go through with it but with my sister's support I managed to get through the service. We're scattering her ashes next week Wednesday with the other babies. I'm starting to really hate Wednesday's. It used to be one of my favourite days but not anymore. Wednesday she was born and died, Wednesday was funeral and now next Wed is the scattering of Hope's ashes. :-s I feel like I can't get out of this darkness but hopefully one day there will be a little light. Its going to be a month next Saturday yet it feels like Hope arrived only yesterday. Thank you for being such caring, lovely ladies and for allowing me to open up. xxx


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## Andypanda6570

PallyD said:


> Thank you ladies for your supporting messages. I haven't been up to coming on until now. Funeral day was really difficult as I'm sure you all know. I crumbled as soon as they said she's in the car. I initially couldn't go through with it but with my sister's support I managed to get through the service. We're scattering her ashes next week Wednesday with the other babies. I'm starting to really hate Wednesday's. It used to be one of my favourite days but not anymore. Wednesday she was born and died, Wednesday was funeral and now next Wed is the scattering of Hope's ashes. :-s I feel like I can't get out of this darkness but hopefully one day there will be a little light. Its going to be a month next Saturday yet it feels like Hope arrived only yesterday. Thank you for being such caring, lovely ladies and for allowing me to open up. xxx

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I am just SO sorry..XOXOOX


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## dancareoi

PallyD said:


> Thank you ladies for your supporting messages. I haven't been up to coming on until now. Funeral day was really difficult as I'm sure you all know. I crumbled as soon as they said she's in the car. I initially couldn't go through with it but with my sister's support I managed to get through the service. We're scattering her ashes next week Wednesday with the other babies. I'm starting to really hate Wednesday's. It used to be one of my favourite days but not anymore. Wednesday she was born and died, Wednesday was funeral and now next Wed is the scattering of Hope's ashes. :-s I feel like I can't get out of this darkness but hopefully one day there will be a little light. Its going to be a month next Saturday yet it feels like Hope arrived only yesterday. Thank you for being such caring, lovely ladies and for allowing me to open up. xxx


We all have a day of the week we dislike, mine is Mondays.

The funeral day for me was very difficult too, especially when we walked up to the door, and saw our babies little white casket in a moses basket in the funeral directors car.

For me, laying the ashes to rest wasn`t anywhere near as bad as the actual funeral, it was still upsetting, but not as heart wrenching as the actual funeral.

Our baby is now at rest in the babies`s memorial garden at the hospital. I know exactly where our LO was placed, so can now visit wheneverI wish. I also have the comfort of knowing our LO is with all the other little babies that are there, our LO is not alone.

Wishing you all the best for next week.

Lisa:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## PallyD

Thank's Lisa. I hope you had a good holiday.


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## dancareoi

We had a good week thanks, the kids enjoyed it.

Hope you are going ok?


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