# 9 months... Rainbowless



## Mahoghani

It's been 9 months since I lost my sweet Silver... 9 months and for all intensive purposes, it seems that most people have moved on. Forgotten. Everything keeps moving... we're trying again now. Since March... since his due date. But no luck. 

I've been avoiding this forum. Trying to keep myself from dwelling in the past. I don't think that Silver would want that for me. I keep him with me, every day. Live my life for him. I've lost 35 pounds. Am now thinner than I was in High School. I've taken up kick boxing and gardening. Two things I always wanted to do. And now, I'm trying to make him a baby brother or sister. But to no avail...

I keep finding myself enraged with... little or no reason. Little things set me off and for a moment it's as though I am seeing myself from the outside. It comes and goes. Usually it has nothing to do with my loss. It's random. Things that would have slid off before... Stupid, little things. I actually didn't realize what an angry person I've become until I was talking to my sister and stories kept popping up until I began to see a pattern...

I never went to see a counselor after my loss. It just seems so... I don't know. Pointless. Self pitying... weak? I didn't want them to make me feel better. To give me drugs to dull the pain... I wanted to feel it. To live it. To find a way to make it part of me instead of throwing it away. Throwing him away... Now I am wondering if I made a mistake.

It's been 9 months. And there are times when the pain feels as fresh as the day it happened. There are times when I break down and cry on the way home from work. When I just can't help it... Other times it seems faraway as though it happened to someone else. Every month when I feel the cramping and begin to bleed I feel such... white hot anger. I see so many women get pregnant and have babies so easily. Who don't seem to realize what they've been given. I see so many horrible mothers. Blessed with perfect children that they refuse to care for properly...

Most of the women who lost little ones around when I did are pregnant again. Some even expecting soon. And I am so glad for them. More so than for any other expectant mothers. Because I know that they understand, in a way that the others can not, the miracle grows in side of them. Even so I can't help but feel left behind. Like someone is trying to tell me that a rainbow isn't in my future, that I should just move on. Move where? I feel lost. Floating somewhere between hope and whatever comes after hope is gone. Resolve?

What do you do with your life when one dream dies? How do you find another? I know that we have not been trying for that long. A few months. But we tried for years before... I am going to be 30 in September. I know that isn't too old to have babies. But I can't try again for years. Something inside tells me that we will be trying again for years if we continue to try. I just don't think I have it in me. Not anymore.


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## Krippy

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lost. I am one of the lucky ones who seems to get pregnant easily but my cousin, who had a second trimester loss at 19 weeks, it took her 8 months. She was angry and stressed but it did finally happen for her and her DH. They now have 3 healthy, wonderful children. I really have no advice for you other than to stay positive and I think that you are doing everything that you can to be where you are. The journey is never easy for anyone and it is also never the same for anyone. Sending you peace and love.


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