# want a child, afraid of pregnancy



## wonderdog

So, I've joined baby and bump solely to get some advice. I am 28 years old, my partner is 32. We've been together for 4 years, and have lived together for 3 of those years. As I've gotten closer to the 30 year milestone, and as he passed it, we've both been realizing we want children. I always thought I wouldn't want kids, so this is a surprise to me. Peter would be a wonderful father, and we make a pretty good team when it comes to making decisions about our home, dog, cars, and everything else life brings. But I'm not sure I'm mother "material".

Pregnancy terrifies me. I've been scoping forums for women who feel like me, and most are afraid of the pain. It's not the pain that deters me, not that I'd be looking forward to it. Pain, to me, is short term, will pass, and makes us stronger. Obviously, I don't believe women have to go through this because we're the "sexy sinners" (probably more likely that men just couldn't handle it).

I am scared of growing something inside of me. I can't exactly put my finger on what it is, perhaps the movie Alien had an influence on me. Imagining an embryo/fetus/infant developing in my uterus literally makes me nauseous. I also want to vomit when I see (or even hear of) a child moving around in the womb (oh, and those pics of the foot pushing on the stomach from the inside!). This has caused some very unpleasant discussions with Peter, and for the first time, he has made me feel VERY abnormal. To him, millions of years of evolution should have made me crave a baby in my belly. I honestly don't know what to say, because I kind of feel like a weird-o anyway. Shouldn't I crave to be a part of the miracle of life? Adoption seems like an easy solution, and I especially feel that it is important to consider children without parents before making a child. Peter is afraid he won't love a child from different parents the same way he would love his own offspring.

Not only that, but I am afraid that I am more of a "cool aunt" or "awesome babysitter" than a mother. Being a mother is a very important role, not to be taken lightly, and I wouldn't want to screw up. I am sort of a freak when it comes to worrying about those I love most; I fear that something tragic will happen. I think this trait would be magnified with a child. I'm also a fairly lazy person, and I just don't think I have what it takes to be an awesome mom.

Hopefully there's some mothers out there who felt like me at one point. Perhaps there's some advice for Peter on adoption. Or maybe someone can tell me all these feelings will go away as soon as I get pregnant. Don't worry, I know this is NO JOKE; we will not be getting pregnant until I know it's what I want. And it's okay to tell me I should never have children, if that's your opinion.


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## wellsk

I'm not sure what to say, your feelings seem rather unusual to an extent. Although I think some of your feelings are normal. 
I think a lot of us are very scared, as this is a step into the unknown. You see other people being mums and that they can cope. But you will never know how strong you can be until you actually try for yourself.
Would you consider the worry of the physical side of being pregnant an actual fear? Also you talk about that you worry a lot. Would you consider it almost like anxiety? Or have you been diagnosed before?
Maybe you would benefit from something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It may help you change your thought processes to a more positive one.

For me, I'm not afraid of the pain. Like you, I think I can cope with that and it is only short term. But I am frightened of being responsible for something for life, and I worried that my body will not be the same after pregnancy (I used to have an eating disorder and low self esteem, so thats a big thing for me).

I don't know what to suggest about the adoption thing. I would love to adopt too. But like your OH, my DH does not want to either for similar reasons for you. Although he has agreed that if we can't get pregnant, then he'll consider it.

I think you may have a difficult time if neither of you are prepared to budge over pregnancy/adoption kinda thing. You need to make a decision between the two of you what is the best course of action, and both of you must make the choice.

Also, what about surrogacy? Using your eggs and your OH's sperm. Then it would be biologically your child, but you wouldn't have to go through the pregnancy.


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## CakeCottage

See for me it's not the fear of pregnancy, I'd love that part!! I'm terrified of being someone's 'mum' but I think the want for a child more than anything outweighs that fear! 
Maybe you would benefit from a bit of counselling before getting pregnant? 
It's only 9 months of uncomfortableness and you get a beautiful baby  x


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## Gunnhilde

Nope, I'm with you and I've had a LO already. We're planning on having 4 more and I can't tell you how much I freaking hate being pregnant and/or breastfeeding. Hate away, but it is true. I do love being a mom though. :shrug:

It really did feel like my body was invaded the whole time and everything about it was pretty awful, I'm not going to lie. The endless morning sickness that rotted my teeth and left me carrying a throw up container everywhere I went, the painful kicks and my stomach moving around in public, and just general discomfort. 

How do I deal with us TTC in a few months? I've realized that pregnancy is a temporary thing that you just have to trudge through, no matter how miserable you feel (and trust me a lot of women feel miserable for many different reasons).

Mmmm, I'm not exactly lazy, but sometimes I can be a lazy parent. Cooking a meal every day? Uhh, not likely. There are workarounds to the laziness thing as long as you are willing to find them.


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## bitethebullet

Hi there. I don't think your feelings are abnormal in any way and I felt fairly freaked out by the thought of pregnancy before I became pregnant. This is my first baby and the experience of pregnancy is a lot less scary than I expected, I think it's because changes occur very gradually so you have time to accept what is happening to your body. I sometimes still find it hard to believe that there's a little human being in there though!


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## seaweed eater

I agree with Gunnhilde. Pregnancy is weird, and it probably won't seem less weird when it's happening to you. I say this as someone who, beforehand, was really excited about and looking forward to experiencing the weirdness. I haven't been disappointed.

Lots of women hate pregnancy. They go through it in order to have the kid at the end. Contrary to what your partner implied, there's nothing different or wrong with you as a woman if pregnancy doesn't seem magical to you. It's a selfless thing. Some women have relatively _easy_ pregnancies, but to the average woman it's uncomfortable, often disgusting, and LONG.

Also, what you said about motherhood probably magnifying your tendency to fear that tragic things will happen? That is probably true. I think becoming a mother brings that out in many women even if they didn't have much of it to begin with. (I don't think it would be any different with an adopted child, either!)

The point I'm trying to make is that being apprehensive about pregnancy and motherhood is nothing to be ashamed of. :hugs: That said, it sounds like the thought of pregnancy causes you _anxiety_ in a different way than it does many other women. And also that, while you want a child, the thought of being a mother also causes anxiety. Anxiety is generally VERY treatable. I'm just going from your post here, but if I'm right that you really want a child and problem is basically that thinking about it also makes you anxious, then in a way that's good news because there are good treatments available to help you manage your anxiety so that you can accomplish the end goal that you want. It won't make pregnancy your favorite thing ever but it can help you to avoid feeling overwhelmed or panicked by what might happen. Same for your fears of something tragic happening or screwing up in your role as mother.

The one thing I can't tell from your post is whether you truly do want to have children or not, anxiety aside. I assume that this is just because you didn't bother to talk about the reasons you do want them. I don't think you have to be sure it would be amazing (how could anyone be sure of such a thing?), just that you are really up for the adventure. (I say this as someone who doesn't have kids yet herself.) But since you said that you discovered to your surprise that this is something you want, I assume you really do want it.

There's really no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about how you are feeling. :hugs: Your feelings are your feelings, and you are doing a courageous thing in facing them and trying to figure out what they mean.

Also, I don't believe that you have to be a super nurturing, motherly type to be a great mother. If you and your partner are both awesome people who have a solid relationship and can be great role models to a child, that's worth a lot more IMO than cooing at babies, baking all the time, or whatever it is that you associate with more motherly women rather than "cool aunts." Your child will be a person, not just a baby -- and if it's your biological child it will be a person who is probably somewhat like both you and Peter. And either way you will find a way to relate to that person as who he or she is, not just as "baby" or "child," if that makes sense.

Sorry to write you a novel. Clearly I have a lot of thoughts. :p


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## Pearls18

I am sure you're not alone. I have a friend from uni who used to describe foetuses as parasites lol (she didn't mean it harshly, she was just like 'well technicaly if you think about it...') and this freaked her out, I think if you over think it it is a crazy notion. Lots of women have fear of pregnancy and birth, I think you have to put this aside as this is all very short term as you say and decide if you want to be a mother, then work backwards. I wouldn't worry about not being a natural mum, you can never know what time of mum you will be until it happens, your love for the baby will guide you. Once you have made this decision then you need to decide how strong your fears are, will you 'get over it', maybe you'll need councelling (I know women who have done this particularly for fear of labour) or perhaps even adopting. Try not to overwhelm yourself with too many thoughts at once, if you decide you want to be a mum I'd take it a day at a time. Although your feelings may not be the concensus I am certain you are not alone!


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## snb1978

when i was pregnant i read in my pregnancy book that pregnancy is like a parasite inside you, like it says above, as your baby is living off your body, I loved being pregnant but looking back it is a massive thing on a womans body, I never really felt that maternal before or whilst pregnant but since having baby i feel this is what my purpose in life is to be mother to my little one I love it so much and I am very maternal now, good luck in whatever you decide to do x


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## lozzy21

Im not going to lie at first it is pretty creepy but once your used to it its the most amazing feeling and the end result is more than worth it.


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## lily28

Fears stem from anxiety, lack of knowledge and understanding. I think you are a mature person and you will make a wonderful mom, you seem insightful and cautious. Maybe you are not ready yet and that's ok, in fact it is completely natural. There will come a day that will not think of fetus as an alien a parasite or anything gory. When you understand you self and your needs and be 100% ready for having children and being their mother you will see pregnancy as something wonderful. Fear is a complicated feeling, and you just need confidence, and the time to build it of course. You must explain to your OH that you need time to get to understand things and feel 100% ready for it. Pushing you to it and making you feel bad is not productive. 
My advice is to start educating yourself and your spouse on all things baby/fertility/pregnancy etc. Be positive about it and open minded. Try to be more aware about your feelings, why do you really feel like that? Some fears are completely irrational, and have nothing to do with reality. It takes time but I'm sure you can overcome them if you want to.
BTW no one can say to another person, you should/shouldn't have children. It is a very personal choice, and not something for others to judge.

Good luck with everything!


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## katy1310

I spent years and years being terrified of the thought of pregnancy - I think just the fear of the unknown. I was also very scared of the thought of giving birth, and even more terrified of the thought of a c-section. 

I always wanted children though, and it really worried me that I felt that way about being pregnant. I didn't feel like you do about the thought of something growing inside me, that didn't bother me at all, it was just the whole thought of what it was going to be like.

In the end, we decided to take the plunge and start trying, and from the minute I found out I was pregnant, I loved it. The only part I didn't like was the fact that I was convinced something was wrong or would go wrong with the pregnancy, and I was so nervous all the time. 

I ended up having to face my ultimate fear - an emergency c-section - and even that wasn't so bad. I don't know if the fact that Sophie was born 13 weeks early probably took my mind off everything else - I was just so focused on wanting her to be ok. 

We are WTT again and even though I've been through pregnancy before, I'm a little bit apprehensive, but I certainly want to do it again :)


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## Luxoire

i have always wanted a baby, so for me i am looking forward to it all except the pain - that is literally mind distracting...that is what scares me most and the thought that i have ot push it out of that relatively small hole :smile: 

i understand how you feel and i have known a few friends feel the way you do...i have also read in other forums of people in this situation consider surrogacy ...there was a lady that did not want the stretch marks, morning sickness, fatness, vaginal tearing and all the other stuff that came wiht carrying teh baby, but she wanted her egg and hubby's sperm, so they found someone to carry it for her....some would argue it is not the same and the bond of carrying that child is not there..but for them i amsure it was the best of both worlds...their child biologically and their eggs and sperm...

I can understand your OHs point of view if you adopt and maybe later on have your own kids, he may feel differently towards the adopted child (not guarateed but a possibility)

I would say you should both speak to a counselor about it openly and honestly and try to work though your fears, and if you cant then seek out alternatives....sometimes being a parent can cross the boundaries of biology, and maybe you both need to lear/understand that in different ways - your husband so as to help him deal with adoption if it happens and you so as not to feel inadequate, abnormal and less of a woman/mother...because you will still be a mother to the child you adopt or bring into the world...


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## Gunnhilde

lily28 said:


> Maybe you are not ready yet and that's ok, in fact it is completely natural. There will come a day that will not think of fetus as an alien a parasite or anything gory. When you understand you self and your needs and be 100% ready for having children and being their mother you will see pregnancy as something wonderful.

Sorry, but I just don't think that is going to be the case for all women. I even went into my first pregnancy thinking it was going to be great; it wasn't. I'm 100% ready to be a mom (and already am) but pregnancy to me is awful and it really does feel like an alien inside of me.

:flower:


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## lily28

Gunnhilde said:


> lily28 said:
> 
> 
> Maybe you are not ready yet and that's ok, in fact it is completely natural. There will come a day that will not think of fetus as an alien a parasite or anything gory. When you understand you self and your needs and be 100% ready for having children and being their mother you will see pregnancy as something wonderful.
> 
> Sorry, but I just don't think that is going to be the case for all women. I even went into my first pregnancy thinking it was going to be great; it wasn't. I'm 100% ready to be a mom (and already am) but pregnancy to me is awful and it really does feel like an alien inside of me.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...

Obviously I'm not a spokesperson for the entire female population. I've never been pregnant, and so I have zero knowledge of what it feels like. If you say it feels like an alien I'm sure it does. My point was that the feeling of the alien is less important/diminished by the desire to have a kid. I know many women just put up with it, and tough it out with really difficult pregnancies, but are willing to do so because of their desire to become mothers. Even a very difficult high risk pregnancy can be a wonderful thing because of the reward of having a baby, it the means to an end. KWIM? :kiss:


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## sausages

I also think that it's wrong of your DH to assume that all women should crave a pregnancy (although i am sure he wasn't being intentionally mean when he said that). I am quite certain (as this thread shows) that many women just don't enjoy being pregnant at all. It is a huge, huge change in your body.

For me it was wonderful. I am one of those women who really really enjoys being pregnant. Yes there are downsides of course and i do get uncomfortable, but i thoroughly love it none the less.

Definitely have an honest discussion with your partner. Surrogacy is good option if you really don't want to be pregnant and so is adoption, but surrogacy would cost money for the IVF and adoption is not the easy option you might think. (SIL & BIL are currently waiting to be matched and it has been a long, hard, intrusive slog). 

Perhaps you need to try to forget about the actual pregnancy part for now and focus on whether you are ready to become parents. If you decide that the answer is yes then maybe just forge ahead regardless? :lol: That's maybe easy for me to say when i _like _pregnancy, but my thinking is that once it's in there you just have to get on with it? :)


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## Pandora11

I completely understand. i want kids but it freaks me out, the whole thing... even before you get to the giving birth part! The hospitals, something growing inside me, all the changes...i cant put my finger on it but it's all something i'd rather not go through. 

I had a previous mc and the whole time i was pregnant i felt weird.. (besides the hormones etc) and every time i picked up a pregnancy book or got pregnancy related post it kinda gave me the heebies jeebbies and no one understood what i was talking about!


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## BabyBean14

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## Liesje

I know exactly how you feel. I don't think part of being a mother is looking forward to or even enjoying pregnancy. My baby was a surprise because I too was afraid of pregnancy and wanted to adopt, but I don't regret any of it. Pregnancy sucked and was gross and pretty much the most painful time in my whole life, so don't wait for yourself to warm up to the idea of sporting a big disgusting belly if you want to be a mom. That part is temporary. Also, I'm not sure where you are, but elective c-sections are available in almost all countries now so you don't have to go through all that fun labor stuff. That's what I did, it worked out well for me.


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## wonderdog

Thank you for everyone's thoughtful words. You don't know me, I don't know you, and yet every single one of you wrote the truth, and chose kind words. I'm really happy to hear from different women, and all of your different experiences. For now, I think I will pursue couples counselling (we're not married yet, though I did sort of make it seem that way) just to figure out our feelings. I do want children (in a few years), it's just the getting them part that we need to figure out.


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## wonderdog

I should also add that I liked all the parasite/alien talk! Some of you did not feel that way, and that's awesome. Trust me, I envy those of you who love being pregnant! Who knows, maybe I'd love it once I did it. :wacko: And for those of you who do love pregnancy, thank you for not making me feel bad! 

Again, thank you for your honesty, and although I may not know where I stand just yet, I know where to start, and I know I'm not a freak!


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## Blue_star

I'm pregnant for the first time i'm only 22 my baby wasn't planned I never thought i'd have a baby until I was at least 30. I worried about what it felt like to be "Pregnant".. In my experience it's been fine it doesn't feel strange to me at all i'v got used to the idea I don't really feel anything there unless the baby moves around which I find is more an interesting feeling and I think it's kind of cute. At first I was very nervous and stressed but after awhile it starts to just feel natural. I think being pregnant is easier then taking care of a newborn lol as my baby grew I felt more and more of an attachment to her and I like the ultrasounds that kind of thing it's a whole different experience between you and your partner for the next nine months.

It's not as bad as you think sometimes I get heartburn I was sick alot the first few months but it went away and I started to feel like my normal self just with a baby bump. Time flies and before you know it your out buying baby things and getting ready birth. Also if you feel that way strongly adoption is great option to giving a baby a nice home!


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## mnjhowell

Pregnancy is the easy part, it's raising the little one that's hard! :)


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