# Torn - help??



## MadamRose

Not sure if this is the right place to post but just need to write it down somewhere.

I am overjoyed that I’m having a baby and in the end baby being happy and healthy is the most important thing. I was convinced this baby was a boy and now I’m leaning girl. Since leaning girl I’ve started to feel disappointed. I really wanted to stay team yellow, but I’m worried if I do and have a girl the disappointment will be there for a few days after she’s born and ruin what should be a lovely time.

I’m torn on if to book a gender scan - If I do I’d not tell anyone and act like I was still team yellow but just to allow me to get over any potential gender disappointment


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## atx614

Hm that is hard! I feel like if it were me and I knew I would feel disappointment we’d that I would do a gender scan so that I could make peace and come to terms with another girl on my time and then of course get excited about it as time goes on so by the time she is here I am mentally prepared and excited. I feel like if you wait and it’s a girl then the disappointment process will begin at her birth. Better to get it over with now IMO!


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## MadamRose

atx614 said:


> Hm that is hard! I feel like if it were me and I knew I would feel disappointment we’d that I would do a gender scan so that I could make peace and come to terms with another girl on my time and then of course get excited about it as time goes on so by the time she is here I am mentally prepared and excited. I feel like if you wait and it’s a girl then the disappointment process will begin at her birth. Better to get it over with now IMO!

This is almost exactly what I’m thinking at the moment. Is it wrong I’d want to tell family etc I’d stayed team yellow so it was just for me


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## Bittersweet

Totally feeling the same hun petrified tbh that this one is a mother boy as we won’t have another and my body probably won’t manage another baby. 

my thinking is actually once baby is here it won’t matter because you’ll have all the hormones and endorphins from birth and seeing your baby for the first time will superceed those feelings! Well I think so anyway! 

so as much as I sit on the part of thinking we will find out and il get the time to get over it but since it’s my last pregnancy also got the fear it will taint this pregnancy experience for me and it’s the last one. 
I hope this makes sense but essentially if this is your last one balance out the tainting of the pregnancy or the really low gamble you’ll be disappointed at birth. 
For what it’s worth I posted in here not too long ago and the responses were clear that everyone who felt like this ot went post birth x


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## MadamRose

Bittersweet said:


> Totally feeling the same hun petrified tbh that this one is a mother boy as we won’t have another and my body probably won’t manage another baby.
> 
> my thinking is actually once baby is here it won’t matter because you’ll have all the hormones and endorphins from birth and seeing your baby for the first time will superceed those feelings! Well I think so anyway!
> 
> so as much as I sit on the part of thinking we will find out and il get the time to get over it but since it’s my last pregnancy also got the fear it will taint this pregnancy experience for me and it’s the last one.
> I hope this makes sense but essentially if this is your last one balance out the tainting of the pregnancy or the really low gamble you’ll be disappointed at birth.
> For what it’s worth I posted in here not too long ago and the responses were clear that everyone who felt like this ot went post birth x

Thanks I had I’d with DD2 after birth but it went quick as I said well next one might be a boy. I’m worried that this time after birth I won’t have that - well there is always next time


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## Bittersweet

Yep I can empathise completely. But then I’ve to think il have two boys who might give me grandchildren one day and il be a grandma to a girl


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## LoneWanderer

I suppose, like, I'm just thinking... say you had the gender scan and found out you were having another girl, and were disappointed, and then said you didn't know to everyone... would that not make you feel worse everytime someone said 'ooh, maybe a boy this time?' or 'I think it's definitely a boy'... and you knew it wasn't? Not telling anyone that you know seems a risky game to me.

I think in your case the scan might be a good idea, and take a few days to process the result either way - as you say, a healthy baby is the most important thing and either kind would be very much loved. But I do think if I were you I would say I knew after I'd got my head round it, it's a big secret to keep if it's not a 100% happy one..?


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## atx614

I don’t think it would be wrong for just you to find out and tell everyone you are team yellow still. It’s not their business lol. I had a friend who had three boys and she was so depressed and didn’t bond well with her third cause she wanted a girl so bad. She said several times she wished she had found out during pregnancy becuse then she could have prepared herself. But she swore her whole pregnancy she was having a girl cause her pregnancy was different from her first two. But she did bond with the baby after a few months and some Medicine for PPD and all is well now! Not saying at all that will happen to you, but just don’t want it to cause you PPD if you are already susceptible to that at all

what bittersweet is saying makes sense too though, you will have all the endorphins at birth and that will help you too.


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## MadamRose

atx614 said:


> I don’t think it would be wrong for just you to find out and tell everyone you are team yellow still. It’s not their business lol. I had a friend who had three boys and she was so depressed and didn’t bond well with her third cause she wanted a girl so bad. She said several times she wished she had found out during pregnancy becuse then she could have prepared herself. But she swore her whole pregnancy she was having a girl cause her pregnancy was different from her first two. But she did bond with the baby after a few months and some Medicine for PPD and all is well now! Not saying at all that will happen to you, but just don’t want it to cause you PPD if you are already susceptible to that at all
> 
> what bittersweet is saying makes sense too though, you will have all the endorphins at birth and that will help you too.

Thanks scary and one of my biggest fears!


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## MadamRose

LoneWanderer said:


> I suppose, like, I'm just thinking... say you had the gender scan and found out you were having another girl, and were disappointed, and then said you didn't know to everyone... would that not make you feel worse everytime someone said 'ooh, maybe a boy this time?' or 'I think it's definitely a boy'... and you knew it wasn't? Not telling anyone that you know seems a risky game to me.
> 
> I think in your case the scan might be a good idea, and take a few days to process the result either way - as you say, a healthy baby is the most important thing and either kind would be very much loved. But I do think if I were you I would say I knew after I'd got my head round it, it's a big secret to keep if it's not a 100% happy one..?

Yes I get you didn’t think of that as tbh not many people have commented. The one person has asked what I think it is but not many people have said oh it’s definitely a xxx


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## atx614

I also have a friend who is 2 months PP with her fourth boy (they did not find out) and she did yes she was disappointed but happy as she knows what she is doing and has clothes and things already. So I know they really wanted a girl but all is well and they are happy as can be with no issues other than disappointment at first


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## Flueky88

I was never fond of team yellow, for myself at least. I felt more GD with dd2 than dd3. I found out days before we revealed to family and friends. 

Things that helped me were: going ahead and believing I was having a third girl so I had even more time to process my feelings, and finding out at 16 weeks. I knew this was my last baby but I was honestly excited when I found out girl as I'd already accepted that reality. 

Choose what is best for you about when to find out, and you absolutely don't have to let people know that you know.


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## MadamRose

So I calmed down a lot last night. I weighed things up and decided that I can find out after the 20 week scan if I feel I need to but if I find out too soon and regret finding out I can never take it back. 

I’m going to take a step back so loads of positive things around having another girls and go from there. I was playing around with spellings of the girl’s name I want which has helped too.


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## Bevziibubble

That's great, I'm glad you're feeling better :)


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## Suggerhoney

I think u should find out and tell everyone hon. If i was in ure shoes that is what I wud do xx


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## KatBar

I have two boys. When pregnant with number 2 we were going to save the surprise for birth. 
It ended up kinda of getting spoilt, so I found out it was another boy around 15ish weeks.
I was disappointed, and definitely took some time to process it. By the time I was due to give birth with my second son tho, I was very excited and all disappointed had gone.
I'm now pregnant with number 3 and not sure what to do either.. My hubby wants the surprise at birth (but has said I can still find out myself).
I think it will be a boy.. My hubby and I already have two boys, my hubbys brother has 3 boys, and my sister has a boy. Boys have just dominated and I don't think this will be any different. I feel like if I wait till the birth, they're going to hand me another boy and I won't feel surprised at all (because that's what I'm expecting). I also worry about the gender disappointment ruining the birth (I had such a lovely time bonding with my second son because I had already long got over any gender disappointment beforehand).
However I agree with one of the previous posters about how it'll be hard if you have that gender disappointment, and then noone knows and keeps going "oh you might have a lovely surprise etc".. I do think that would be tough to deal with! 
I know I'd struggle with this myself a little - which is why my decision is made harder by hubby not wanting to know.

Fingers crossed it works out one way or another, and maybe we are all pleasantly surprised :).


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## Suggerhoney

KatBar said:


> I have two boys. When pregnant with number 2 we were going to save the surprise for birth.
> It ended up kinda of getting spoilt, so I found out it was another boy around 15ish weeks.
> I was disappointed, and definitely took some time to process it. By the time I was due to give birth with my second son tho, I was very excited and all disappointed had gone.
> I'm now pregnant with number 3 and not sure what to do either.. My hubby wants the surprise at birth (but has said I can still find out myself).
> I think it will be a boy.. My hubby and I already have two boys, my hubbys brother has 3 boys, and my sister has a boy. Boys have just dominated and I don't think this will be any different. I feel like if I wait till the birth, they're going to hand me another boy and I won't feel surprised at all (because that's what I'm expecting). I also worry about the gender disappointment ruining the birth (I had such a lovely time bonding with my second son because I had already long got over any gender disappointment beforehand).
> However I agree with one of the previous posters about how it'll be hard if you have that gender disappointment, and then noone knows and keeps going "oh you might have a lovely surprise etc".. I do think that would be tough to deal with!
> I know I'd struggle with this myself a little - which is why my decision is made harder by hubby not wanting to know.
> 
> Fingers crossed it works out one way or another, and maybe we are all pleasantly surprised :).


I think finding out will definitely help u process it if it is another boy hon.
Like leaving it untill the end mite not help.
At least finding out u can get over the gender disappointment and by the time ure due ure be excited.

My DH didn't want to know with this one but I did.

I've now booked a privet gender scan for 3 weeks time.
I'm not bothered as long as baby is healthy.
Me and DH have 2 boys and one girl.
I think deep down it wud be easier if this one is a boy because we have all the stuff. But In another way it wud be lovely having a girl because my DD really wants a little sister.

Do u think u will find out hon? U never know it mat well be a little girl


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## KatBar

Suggerhoney said:


> I think finding out will definitely help u process it if it is another boy hon.
> Like leaving it untill the end mite not help.
> At least finding out u can get over the gender disappointment and by the time ure due ure be excited.
> 
> My DH didn't want to know with this one but I did.
> 
> I've now booked a privet gender scan for 3 weeks time.
> I'm not bothered as long as baby is healthy.
> Me and DH have 2 boys and one girl.
> I think deep down it wud be easier if this one is a boy because we have all the stuff. But In another way it wud be lovely having a girl because my DD really wants a little sister.
> 
> Do u think u will find out hon? U never know it mat well be a little girl

Thanks :). Yeah, I think I am leaning towards finding out at the moment.
We had initially planned on being two and done, so I got rid of all the boys baby clothes. So boy or girl, I need to shop for this baby and I do like being able to buy more than just the gender neutral stuff. 
I also agree about being able to process any disappointment ahead of time. I know thats probably best for me since I had that experience with my second son, and was very excited to meet him by the time he was born.


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## motherofboys

I was tempted to not find out, but I'm glad I did in the end. It allowed me time to process. Next time I'm not even telling most people that I'm pregnant until I know the gender, and then I'll do it once I'm ready and announce we are pregnant with a boy/girl


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## Suggerhoney

KatBar said:


> Thanks :). Yeah, I think I am leaning towards finding out at the moment.
> We had initially planned on being two and done, so I got rid of all the boys baby clothes. So boy or girl, I need to shop for this baby and I do like being able to buy more than just the gender neutral stuff.
> I also agree about being able to process any disappointment ahead of time. I know thats probably best for me since I had that experience with my second son, and was very excited to meet him by the time he was born.


So sorry about my late reply. I unfortunately got high risk results for downs syndrome so we are waiting on some new results of the harmony test so not in the best place at the moment. 
We have our gender scan a week on Saturday so I hope I get my results b4 that and I'm praying they come back all good and baby doesn't have it then I can get excited for finding out gender


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## KatBar

Suggerhoney said:


> So sorry about my late reply. I unfortunately got high risk results for downs syndrome so we are waiting on some new results of the harmony test so not in the best place at the moment.
> We have our gender scan a week on Saturday so I hope I get my results b4 that and I'm praying they come back all good and baby doesn't have it then I can get excited for finding out gender

Sorry to hear that!! Fingers crossed for good news after the next tests!


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## MadamRose

So I went for my 20 week scan I was feeling 100% about not knowing. Then my friend sent me this saying she thinks it’s the gender and now I’m torn all over again - she said if it is it’s clearly a boy and I just don’t want to get my hopes up ](*,)](*,)](*,)


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## motherofboys

It's so hard to say. My friend recently had our little group guess what her babies gender was from a side profile scan at 16 weeks and I was the only one who said girl. Most of the others were even pointing out that they could see a scrotum. She is having a girl. I CAN see what your friend might think is the baby boy parts, but purely because of that experience above I wouldn't want to get your hopes up just in case.


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## MadamRose

motherofboys said:


> It's so hard to say. My friend recently had our little group guess what her babies gender was from a side profile scan at 16 weeks and I was the only one who said girl. Most of the others were even pointing out that they could see a scrotum. She is having a girl. I CAN see what your friend might think is the baby boy parts, but purely because of that experience above I wouldn't want to get your hopes up just in case.

Thanks I was feeling fine and I had grown okay with it but now she’s said that to me it’s made me question all over again


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## motherofboys

It's such a tough choice when you have such riding on it. I always wish I hadn't found out with my first. I would have been so happy to hear "it's a boy" after he was born, and then I would have had that experience without worrying about my reaction if I wait


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