# Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie



## Crayz

"Omg. He/She is SOOOOoooo tiny!"

I had a woman come up to my daughter's incubator and actually say this to me. She was a friend of one of the other mothers.

I wanted to clock this woman in the baby maker.

Like, "Oh really? Is she? I didn't notice that my daughter was only 3 lbs."


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## dizz

I didn't mind the "oooh tiny" thing that much - when it was done nicely. When it was done in the street after discharge and it was done in a more "ooh look freakshow" type way - THEN it really bugged the snot outta me - I'd always rather people came up and asked what weight/gestation she was etc and got the story straight than assuming (even if it DID mean that doing the weekly shop took hours)!

The one that really really really annoyed me was MIL, when she got to see her for the first time - who just melodramatically burst into floods of tears and started weeping and wailing. Thanks, we really needed support in dealing with mentally processing all that had happened - and you just decided to hijack the moment with bloody theatrics. Then you have my mother who responded in a much more "oh she's beautiful, tiny, but look at her beautiful perfect mouth" way - which is what we actually needed - just the acceptance that she WAS a stunningly beautiful baby (yes I'm biased), just in extra extra small.

The other one that always irked me a bit, but I know was well intentioned was her head control which basically took off at the same rate it would for a normal baby - meaning that for quite a while you had this baby that looked newer than a newborn, but actually had the head control of a 2 month old - and you'd get little old ladies tutting disapproval that (as far as they thought) you weren't handling her like a newborn baby! I just started getting into the habit of smiling, winking and saying "she's not as young as you think she is."


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## toothfairyx

I used to get really razzed with people telling me I was lucky I wouldn't have stretch marks with them being so small , as if I would really give 2 hoots about that with everything going on!


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## Springflower

People treating my babies like they were a museum piece. I didn't mind if people ask to have a look at the girls but when ppl just walked up to them and start commenting drove me nuts!! Because I had two babies it would sometimes happen before I could get to the other incubator. Grrr!!!


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## chelseav1213

My preemie was 7 lbs 1 oz at birth.. I hate when people say "why isn't he home? Hes a normal size baby.. is it because of your diabetes?" Ugh! No! Its because he was born 5 weeks early! Makes me feel like its my fault hes in here! :(


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## lgc

Oh yes, the 'isn't he tiny' comments really grind sometimes. I stopped adding on the 'but he was premature' line when people asked how old he was but it just attracted more stares and comments, so I'm back to "He's 4 months but he was 2 months premature" which usually satisfies. Funny thing he seems huge to us now (8lb 14oz, was 2lb 12 at birth). 

Another comment that always gets right up my nose is "Oh but lots of babies get reflux"....as if I have nothing to complain about. Really? Have all those other babies not been able to lie down AT ALL for 3 months??? (Sorry rant over - his reflux is finally getting under control now we're on right formula / meds but im still a bit raw about it clearly!)


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## Crayz

Oh. I constantly feel like I have to explain to people why my daughter is so small..

Now I just do it so they'll feel like an ass for commenting on her size.

Like, "Oh, we'll she was born premature because she wasn't growing and then we found out she has two heart defects and horrible acid reflux, which makes her gag and power vomit several times a day."

Then they're just speechless, and I go on about my grocery shopping. It takes me double the time it used to because people stop me to comment on her size every aisle.


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## MegnJoe

Thank u for posting this. I was on my way down to another thread when it caught my eye. A mom was shopping today and I asked how old her lo was after she asked the age of mine, she said 3 months..I said oh my, he's tiny! I said it with a smile, but she kinda half smiled at me and kinda shuffled off. I feel like a dumb cow now! I am sorry. I just didn't realize but I do now!! And your babies are beautiful! I'm sorry again. I won't ever say that again. I will replace tiny with cute or just stfu haha.


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## Crayz

Megnjoe-that's very sweet, and thank you!

Your daughter is beautiful as well!

It's just a rant, and don't beat yourself up about it!

I'd have to say the comments are more heartbreaking than they are annoying. I can't speak for anyone else, it's just sad for me because I wish I had a full term healthy baby, but I didn't. It's hard to have to feel like you have to explain it to everyone because they look at you like you did something wrong.


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## MegnJoe

I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.


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## dizz

MegnJoe said:


> I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

Oh there's one regular (and bonkers) contributor to the comments section of the Daily Mail who in the last month has insisted that incubators steal the souls of the babies inside them, and loves to go on a "parents deserved it" rant everytime there's a story about a preemie in there.

If they weren't quite blatantly bonkers I'd be offended.


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## MegnJoe

dizz said:


> MegnJoe said:
> 
> 
> I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.
> 
> Oh there's one regular (and bonkers) contributor to the comments section of the Daily Mail who in the last month has insisted that incubators steal the souls of the babies inside them, and loves to go on a "parents deserved it" rant everytime there's a story about a preemie in there.
> 
> If they weren't quite blatantly bonkers I'd be offended.Click to expand...

Haha! U know these ppl have something wrong with them right?! My uncle is mentally ill, and he won't eat chicken. He believes he will die if it touches his plate. It's a psychosis! Stealing the souls huh? How about holding them in? I try to talk to my uncle about changing his perspective but my mom said I must be insane too repeating the sane thing expecting a different result lol! There's no talking to these types of ppl. I will have to look into the daily mail for a good laugh!


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## AP

My soul is stolen then :rofl: :rofl: Some would agree :rofl: :muaha:


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## MegnJoe

AtomicPink said:


> My soul is stolen then :rofl: :rofl: Some would agree :rofl: :muaha:

Lol!


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## whistle

dizz said:


> The other one that always irked me a bit, but I know was well intentioned was her head control which basically took off at the same rate it would for a normal baby - meaning that for quite a while you had this baby that looked newer than a newborn, but actually had the head control of a 2 month old - and you'd get little old ladies tutting disapproval that (as far as they thought) you weren't handling her like a newborn baby! I just started getting into the habit of smiling, winking and saying "she's not as young as you think she is."

When my LO was 3 or 4 months old, I took him to a baby group, and this other mum, who had a 9 month old and thus was queen of all the wombs told me 'you shouldn't hold him like that, Hold him like this'. I just turned away because I was so angry that she just assumed he'd plopped out yesterday and I hadn't been holding him - very comfortably, actually - for months already.


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## sethsmummy

I didn't have a preemie but can sympathise with you hun. I constantly got that about my son along with howearly was he,,,, urm he wasn't, he was late... followed by their "omg are you joking" .. hmmm yeah i thought i'd say it as a joke :s


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## WantsALittle1

For some weird reason, I think people view it as a compliment. Like in their minds tiny = cute, doll-like.

It bugs the crap out of me too. The last thing I want to hear is that my preemie is tiny. I pump 8 times a day, fortify two bottles with neosure, make her take Poly-Vi-Sol and Fer-In-Sol. I eat buckets of ice cream to make my breast milk fattier... All because I want a FAT baby. A big jiggly ball of fat and protein who is going to catch up to her cohorts, developmentally and physically.

Please don't remind me that, despite my greatest efforts, my baby girl is still itty bitty! I'm TRYING! :p


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## melissa84

A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I _was _trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed. :cry:


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## whistle

melissa84 said:


> A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I _was _trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed. :cry:

:hugs: People can be so insensitive. Pumping is such hard work, especially when you're exhausted and stressed.


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## katy1310

I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:

"You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
"At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

xx


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## Crayz

Yes Katy!

I agree. I got both of those! 

I just am getting tot he point where hearing how tiny she is from everyone is getting on my nerves. Like mothers will say it to their kids, "Yes Timmy, that is a tiny, tiny little baby. She looks like a doll."

Like, "HELLO! I CAN HEAR YOU!"

I tried to be snotty to a woman at the hospital one day for one of LO's pediatric appointments when she commented on how small my daughter was. I said, "Yeah, she was premature and has two heart defects."

The woman said, "Oh! My daughter was born with a heart defect too!"

Then the little girl who was about 3 showed me her open heart surgery scar :(

I felt terrible, but her scar was pretty awesome.


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## whistle

katy1310 said:


> I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:
> 
> "You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"
> 
> xx

Yeah, like, besides the 3 hourly overnight pumping, hour long journey each way to the hospital and constant worry about getting a phone call saying something had gone terribly wrong with our newborn, I was surprisingly well rested.:thumbup:

This thread is really cathartic. :haha:


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## AP

katy1310 said:


> I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:
> 
> "You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"
> 
> xx

I only had the 6lb 11oz to compare against the two pounder and trust me the two pounders harder! Besides who gives a monkeys how they got here, fact is the whole bloody experience is harder!


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## Agiboma

My all time favourite saying "you should have carried him to term" said by many family members mostly.


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## dizz

So what did you do for her to come early?


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## Crayz

I like to tell people I tried to bake her longer in my easy-bake oven, but she was a little raw in the middle...


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## Fiestagal

I got (and still get) the tiny comments all the time. They didn't bother me so much. The one that upset me the most was at a baby group, Connor was 7 months old and about 10lbish, I was giving him some puree food, another mother shouted across the room 'How old is that baby?' I realise that he looked younger, when I said his age and that he was prem she replied 'Oh my God, do you have any other small children?'


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## stepmum

katy1310 said:


> I had all sorts that upset me but the 2 that really stick in my mind were:
> 
> "You're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 8lb-er"
> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"
> 
> xx

I didn't get the size comments for too long as Oliver has always been a fast grower, he's now bigger than a lot of termies his age :thumbup:

However I did get the comments you've quoted..along with "at least you didn't get to the massive uncomfortable stage":nope:... a) for a 5ft nothing shorty carrying a quite decent weight of 4lb 13oz plus 2 cysts of huge proportions I did feel sufficiently massive and b) I would lovvvved to have gotten to the uncomfortable stage, I would liked to have experienced pregnancy from start to finish, kinda feel like I was robbed :cry:

I know it's also true but "he'll do it in his own time" kinda makes my heart sink. Oliver has been slightly delayed but it's so hard trying to explain to people that you not only have the usual new mum anxiousness of waiting for them to hit a milestone but I'm also waiting to make sure that nothing is wrong. I dunno it's hard to explain.:nope:


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## Crayz

Fiestagal-The nerve of that woman! I hope she felt like a total ass (but obviously not because she went on to ask yet another inappropriate question). Ugh. That made me mad just thinking about it.

Stepmum-I know what you mean. I worry a lot too. The thing is, you just have to wait around and see, and that makes it that much harder. Plus people will start asking me when the "time" comes I'm sure, "When is baby going to crawl, when is baby going to sit up..?"

When the baby is ready.

A family member of my husband's used to be a Nanny back in the day. She was giving me "tips." You know, tips I didn't ask for. It's a very long story, and the e-mail I wrote back wasn't the friendliest ever, but she really pissed me off. 

One thing she mentioned was a niece she has that was born with a congenital heart defect. She told me how she's 25 now and has been through about 10 surgeries. She's doing great and has healthy kids of her own, which is awesome. But she said her niece has a disfigured ear and is partially deaf. As she's writing this in the e-mail she writes, "Apparently deafness is very common among babies born with congenital heart defects."

Wow. Thanks for the extra anxiety! (and that is exactly what I wrote) 

Who DOES that?!


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## forevermoore

stepmum said:


> However I did get the comments you've quoted..along with "at least you didn't get to the massive uncomfortable stage":nope:... a) for a 5ft nothing shorty carrying a quite decent weight of 4lb 13oz plus 2 cysts of huge proportions I did feel sufficiently massive and b) I would lovvvved to have gotten to the uncomfortable stage, I would liked to have experienced pregnancy from start to finish, kinda feel like I was robbed :cry:

OMG I hate this!!! I have a friend who just had her baby (1 week overdue). I'm actually suprised im still talking to her after some of the awful things she said. She complained her entire pregnancy about not wanting another baby (she already has 3) and when she went for a scan at 30 weeks, they were concerned that baby may have stopped growing. She actually then had the hide to say to us, 'I hope the baby has stopped growing so they can finally get it out. I'm so over being pregnant. You're so lucky you didnt have to get to the uncomfy stage'. :devil::devil::devil::saywhat::saywhat::saywhat:

I cant believe that after seeing what we went through (Emily was born at 31w2d) she would even think that, and then say that out loud, let alone to us!!! 

Another lady stopped me in the shops to tell me how small Em is. Because Em wouldnt focus on her, she then proceeded to tell me that I shouldnt be suprised if later down the track we find out that she is mentally impaired!!!
Fighting back the urge to hit her, I turned and walked away, to which this b!tch had the audacity to then say "How rude!". Grrrrrrr....

I find it quite surprising actually, that people feel the need to stop me and tell me how small she is and to give their opinion. I would NEVER stop a random stranger and comment on their baby like that!


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## juicyfruity

Hi brave mothers of brave babies,
I lurk a bit as i'm at risk of having a premature baby and i just see such strength and inspiration from all of you, and definately sparks of feistiness :) 

I just wanted to share something i saw today thats relevent to this thread! 
Was at the super market picking meat for dinner when i heard a baby crying i looked up and saw this teeny tiny wee thing who was obviously not a newborn but had pretty definately been premature wailing. The mother looking stressed and anxious calmed the baby pretty quickly and then some older woman (fifties probably) came up to her and said "what a beautiful little miracle, you're doing an amazing job" and squeezed her shoulder then walked off with her shopping basket!

I dont know if you might find that a bit intrusive but it was so amazingly sweet! I felt a bit awful for eavesdropping to be honest but i totally got the warm fuzzies. wouldnt it be lovely if we had a world full of people like that?


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## seaweed eater

katy1310 said:


> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"

We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves. :dohh: :wacko:

I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry. :hugs:


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## Foogirl

Juicyfruity, that brought a lump to my throat. That would have made my day!


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## dizz

seaweed eater said:


> katy1310 said:
> 
> 
> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"
> 
> We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves. :dohh: :wacko:
> 
> I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry. :hugs:Click to expand...

I did regard avoiding having to do the meconium tar-poos as the one real perk of having a preemie...

My mum regularly tells me I'm doing a fantastic job and she couldn't have coped with a preemie, the tube feeds, hospital stay and everything - it's appreciated (unlike MIL who just complains she's not hit X milestone compared to her cousin yet...)


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## labmommy

We went to target with our baby one day and the cashier at the register actually said aloud "should that baby even be out yet?!" "Its so tiny!" Who are you lady and what is it your business???? Also, thanks to you, the whole front of the store is staring at us. Ugh.
A girl I work with found out from my coworker and friend that I was going to be delivering when I did. She (the girl) made it a point to announce to my entire workplace that I was in the hospital and made some mention of people coming to see me. Really? I'm about to deliver at 29 wks and may not make it through this surgery myself but you are telling ppl to come see me??? Anyhow, now, six months later, she is four months pregnant and complaining to me how she is so worried about having a big baby cuz they run on her husbands side and they are always overdue. She is so nervous about being overdue and pushing a big baby. Really. Really? Really?! My Noah was 1 lb 6 oz and Jonathan was 3 lbs. I about lunged for her over the lunch table. Find someone else to cry on with that one.


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## kazzzzy

I was only home from hospital 2 days after leaving my daughter in NICU, feeling very emotional, tired, worried & generally not in good form when this nosey busy body neighbour rang me and said "Oh I heard you had a little baby, is she very small, oh will she make it at all !!!!! " I was gobsmacked, it was the last thing I wanted to hear, I gave her a very short answer & told her I had to go, the cheek of her, I haven't even herard from her since, some people!!!


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## Betheney

I don't have a preemie but i've been told twice now I'll potentially be delivering within a couple of days because of PE only to have everything turn around at the last minute and not need to deliver after all. But it's still pretty touch and go so thought id visit this section to get an idea of babies born at 34weeks. 

But I came across this thread 

My daughter was born full term but after 2 months was a small baby and I loathed the comments but what I hated the most was people insisted on a reason. They would always ask "was she premature?" "Is she sickly?" "Does she not feed well" and I never really had a reason so I always felt like they were pointing the finger like I'd done something wrong because you need a reason to have a small baby. I can't believe I always wished I could say "yes she was premature" like that would make those comments all easier to handle. After reading this thread I see that isn't the case. Truth be told she lost a lot of weight at 2months old but the continued on the correct weight gain weight per week from then on.

Now she's reached the 20th percentile and people still say all the time "OH MY GOD!!! she looks to young to be walking" and I have to say "she's 2, but the baldness throws people a bit" because she's not even that small anymore so I assume that's why they think she's young 

I'm sorry, I've gone off on a tangent and don't really belong here but those "she's so tiny" comments really stung for a long time and this thread just brought back alot of memories.


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## Foogirl

Betheny, we welcome anyone here, and certainly coming in if you're at risk of premature birth is a great thing to do. The one thing I wished I'd been able to do before hand was talk to mums who had been through it, so I had an idea of what to expect.

I don't know how typical I am when it comes to the tiny thing I am, but I loved it. People would Oooh and aaaah and talk about how tiny she was, and I'd tell them with pride that she had been born early and they'd ask how she was doing and tell me how amazing I must be to get through it. I'm not normally one to seek validation from complete strangers but at that point in my life I had been surrounded by family and friends who just didn't get it. Who had an "ach just get on with it" attitude. This was my fault, not theirs because I tend to give off that air myself and if I had stopped to think how hard it was, I'd have crumbled at least twice a day.

I can totally understand how it is to deal with these sorts of things and not have a "reason". Our daughter has cerebral palsy and was diagnosed formally at two years old. Prior to that I had to deal with well meaning people (and not just complete strangers, my OH's family were the worst) just dismissing the fact she could neither walk or crawl, telling me "one day she'll surprise you and just do it". as if her restricted mobility was just down to her lack of will and very soon she'd be running about like every other toddler. On top of that, I had mothers of toddlers telling me how lucky I was that my little girl wasn't as running me ragged as they never got to stop for one minute with their active two year old. That really hurt but I had nothing I could say to them. As soon as she was diagnosed, I could then say "actually, No" and shut them up.

So, whilst I am usually bothered by people who wish they had a preemie, that's clearly not what you were doing. You would have liked to have a reason to throw back at nosy strangers to slap them down. I'm so with you on that.

I hope everything works out for the best with your LO. Remember every day is a bonus, and you've done really well to get as far along as you have. There are never any guarantees and premature birth is always tough no matter where you get to, but 34 weeks is a good gestation. We're here for you if you need us.


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## lozzy21

I had a big preemie and can remember people asking why she was not smiling at 7 weeks and when they were told she was 5 weeks early asked if i was sure?! No i just fell asleep for 4 weeks and missed a month of my pregnancy.


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## DonnaBallona

After my daughters birth, I remember being asked by one of the other mothers (of all people!!!) if I'd had her 'naturally'. when I replied that I'd had a cesearean she said 'ha, you took the easy option then!' 

I was sooooo angry-yes you imbecile, I actually CHOSE a crash cesearean under general and thought it'd be wild to miss my daughters first 3 days of life. idiot.

this time around, so far, the best one has been 
'god, another prem? you SUCK at pregnancy!'

that one stung a bit.


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## AP

The most common one I got was really weird. I would tell someone who asked how early she was and then they would say theirs was the same or earlier. And then later in the conversation their stories didnt match up. :dohh: I have no idea why people insisted on doing this, maybe to make me "feel better"?


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## Foogirl

AtomicPink said:


> The most common one I got was really weird. I would tell someone who asked how early she was and then they would say theirs was the same or earlier. And then later in the conversation their stories didnt match up. :dohh: I have no idea why people insisted on doing this, maybe to make me "feel better"?

Oh, I had a right one the other day and it immediately made me think how mad you'd be. At Abby's swimming lesson we were chatting to a young lass who's a lifeguard and saying Abby was 29 weeks. She then claimed she was the earliest baby to be born at Falkirk maternity and now that is closed she always would be. Fair enough, that may well be the case, however, I've serious doubts about her claim she was 20 weeks! It's likely not her fault, clearly that's what she's been told, but why would people do that.

It does also tap in to my other bug bear. On speaking about Abby's prematurity, I'm always regaled with stories about someone's sister's auntie's cousin's next door neighbour who was early and now they are a strapping 6ft rugby playing bruiser. I swear there must be a link between prematurity and tall people! As you say, thanks for trying to make me feel better but somehow I always felt it actually lessened the severity of our experience, as if we had nothing to worry about and it would all be fine.


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## PinkLady17

whistle said:


> melissa84 said:
> 
> 
> A girl at my work recently told me that I "was lucky" that I had my daughter early. But the worst was when she was still in the NICU one of the doctors there called and told me that they had to switch her from donor milk to formula because I wasn't producing enough milk. If he had said that in a kind voice I would have been fine, but he said it in a very accusatory and hurtful tone, like I wasn't trying enough or didn't care enough. But I _was _trying, I just couldn't get enough and already felt guilty and like a horrible mother. I cried and cried after that, I felt so ashamed. :cry:
> 
> :hugs: People can be so insensitive. Pumping is such hard work, especially when you're exhausted and stressed.Click to expand...

well, MIL called insisting that I should have somebody donate breast milk or pay somebody for it because "formula is bad and it is the reason she is still in NICU"... and then "by coincidence" SIL called the next day saying her cousin just gave birth and she was volunteering to give me her breast milk for my daughter..... hubby took care of them cuz he saw me crying cuz they made me feel bad that I can't breast-feed my child due to my health conditions and amount of medicines that i have to take...


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## PinkLady17

Actually the "she's so tiny" does not bother me... i call her "tiny and cute" myself lol..omg she's beautifulllllll :) <3

well, she has a month and a half in the hospital and we'll be for 4 more weeks there..... yesterday i went to visit and gave her a kiss and the disgraceful nurse came and told me I am forbidden to kiss my daughter and touch her... ..... i was like: excuse me, you're speaking to the mother of the child, no, i do not need your permission to kiss my daughter"..... well, she got nasty and i was like: i did not come here to speak to you, i came to be with my daughter, so keep quiet!".... the woman started to cry and blow her nose hahaha omg.... then hubby came later and the woman called her "supervisor" to kick us out and we overheard her tell the "supervisor": "...and she gave the baby a kiss"..... and husband turned around and said: "...and she is the mother... who the f*ck are you??? learn your place A'hole" LMFAO


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## bumpsmum

DonnaBallona said:


> After my daughters birth, I remember being asked by one of the other mothers (of all people!!!) if I'd had her 'naturally'. when I replied that I'd had a cesearean she said 'ha, you took the easy option then!'
> 
> I was sooooo angry-yes you imbecile, I actually CHOSE a crash cesearean under general and thought it'd be wild to miss my daughters first 3 days of life. idiot.
> 
> this time around, so far, the best one has been
> 'god, another prem? you SUCK at pregnancy!'
> 
> that one stung a bit.

With you here Donna, 9 weeks preg with no3 and still waiting on a congratulations, I've had lots of'oh dear, you don't do preg well' and 'oh f**k another preemie then' my fav is however my 76 yer old grand father in law telling me 'I told you you should have demanded to be sterilised with your last section' charming!!

I'm already doomed as to be having another preemie, no one wants to talk to/about me just what the drs say GRRR rant for today over lol xx


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## PinkLady17

MegnJoe said:


> I could never imagine thinking a preemie was born because the mother did something wrong! anyone who thinks that is case is an A hole.

thank you!... you just called my In Laws A'holes hahaha! :)
btw your baby is soooooooooo cute! aaawwwwwwwwww!


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## PinkLady17

dizz said:


> seaweed eater said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> katy1310 said:
> 
> 
> "At least you get time to recover and catch up on sleep before bringing her home"
> 
> We got a surprising amount of this when LO was in the NICU (and he was only there four days!). Seriously...there is not even any comparison. The day he came home was possibly the happiest day of my entire life. Yes, even though it meant we had to change his diapers ourselves. :dohh: :wacko:
> 
> I can't believe some of the comments in this thread. I am so sorry. :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> I did regard avoiding having to do the meconium tar-poos as the one real perk of having a preemie...
> 
> My mum regularly tells me I'm doing a fantastic job and she couldn't have coped with a preemie, the tube feeds, hospital stay and everything - it's appreciated (unlike MIL who just complains she's not hit X milestone compared to her cousin yet...)Click to expand...


urgh, i know what you mean...mine has a month and a half at the hospital and will be there for a while more and MIL only complains that she wants the hospital to allow her to see the baby..like it aggravates me cuz just as much as she wants to see the baby, her son and I want our daughter home already...and its really hard..I feel like I'm partially missing out on her first months of life and nobody understands it


----------



## Betheney

Foogirl said:


> Betheny, we welcome anyone here, and certainly coming in if you're at risk of premature birth is a great thing to do. The one thing I wished I'd been able to do before hand was talk to mums who had been through it, so I had an idea of what to expect.
> 
> I don't know how typical I am when it comes to the tiny thing I am, but I loved it. People would Oooh and aaaah and talk about how tiny she was, and I'd tell them with pride that she had been born early and they'd ask how she was doing and tell me how amazing I must be to get through it. I'm not normally one to seek validation from complete strangers but at that point in my life I had been surrounded by family and friends who just didn't get it. Who had an "ach just get on with it" attitude. This was my fault, not theirs because I tend to give off that air myself and if I had stopped to think how hard it was, I'd have crumbled at least twice a day.
> 
> I can totally understand how it is to deal with these sorts of things and not have a "reason". Our daughter has cerebral palsy and was diagnosed formally at two years old. Prior to that I had to deal with well meaning people (and not just complete strangers, my OH's family were the worst) just dismissing the fact she could neither walk or crawl, telling me "one day she'll surprise you and just do it". as if her restricted mobility was just down to her lack of will and very soon she'd be running about like every other toddler. On top of that, I had mothers of toddlers telling me how lucky I was that my little girl wasn't as running me ragged as they never got to stop for one minute with their active two year old. That really hurt but I had nothing I could say to them. As soon as she was diagnosed, I could then say "actually, No" and shut them up.
> 
> So, whilst I am usually bothered by people who wish they had a preemie, that's clearly not what you were doing. You would have liked to have a reason to throw back at nosy strangers to slap them down. I'm so with you on that.
> 
> I hope everything works out for the best with your LO. Remember every day is a bonus, and you've done really well to get as far along as you have. There are never any guarantees and premature birth is always tough no matter where you get to, but 34 weeks is a good gestation. We're here for you if you need us.

Thank you for your kind reply, a friend told me this is a really supportive section and your reply definitely proves that.

I saw the video of your daughter the other day and her determination at walking. I cried and cried when I watches it, it's so magical. I watched it about 2 days after my friends little CP son passed away at 20months and I'm just devastated they don't get to watch him grow and walk and beat the odds. All children are such special lil gifts.

I actually gave birth this morning at 3:46am and am now the proud mother of a little boy named Remi Archer who is 1.9kgs, 45cm and born at 33+5. He breathed on his own the moment he was born and i'm told is doing incredibly well at the moment but looks like they want him to have a feeding tube which I am a bit scared of for some reason, probably just because I'm not familiar with one. He's not even a day old so I'm still taking everything in but all in all I'm kinda pretty excited and happy, I love him to bits and just want to spend all day with him. I didn't know that in special care you can't cuddle them whenever you want. They only let me take him out during feed times and I find that difficult to deal with.

<3


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## 25weeker

Betheney said:


> Thank you for your kind reply, a friend told me this is a really supportive section and your reply definitely proves that.
> 
> I saw the video of your daughter the other day and her determination at walking. I cried and cried when I watches it, it's so magical. I watched it about 2 days after my friends little CP son passed away at 20months and I'm just devastated they don't get to watch him grow and walk and beat the odds. All children are such special lil gifts.
> 
> I actually gave birth this morning at 3:46am and am now the proud mother of a little boy named Remi Archer who is 1.9kgs, 45cm and born at 33+5. He breathed on his own the moment he was born and i'm told is doing incredibly well at the moment but looks like they want him to have a feeding tube which I am a bit scared of for some reason, probably just because I'm not familiar with one. He's not even a day old so I'm still taking everything in but all in all I'm kinda pretty excited and happy, I love him to bits and just want to spend all day with him. I didn't know that in special care you can't cuddle them whenever you want. They only let me take him out during feed times and I find that difficult to deal with.
> 
> <3

Congratulations on your little boy. Most babies don't get the sucking reflex until 34 weeks so this is why he will be tube fed and in the beginning it will be a lot of work for him so he probably won't manage all feeds. Sounds like he is doing really well so no doubt he will pick it all up fairly quickly. Once they are happy he can maintain his body temperature you will get more cuddles. I hope his neonatal stay is a short one xx


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## bumpsmum

Congrats Betheney

What a great weight, you did well to keep Remi in as long as you did, a soon as he's feeding we'll and maintaining his temp you'll get lots more cuddles, make sure your getting as much skin to skin contact, no one told us til day 3 with my first lo that we were allowed our hands in the incubator grrrr! Xx


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## MommaAlexis

Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!


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## Agiboma

Congrats Bethany, 25 weeker is correct they will try him on breast about 34 weeks when the sucking reflex comes in. Try and take it easy and enjoy your LO.


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## Agiboma

MommaAlexis said:


> Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

If you are saying that to the mom of the preemie then yes i wold be offended. We already know our babies are smaller than their actual age and tbh we really dont need any reminders from full term mothers who where lucky enough to carry their babies to term. This is just my opinion others may not feel the way i do.


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## AP

Foogirl said:


> Fair enough, that may well be the case, however, I've serious doubts about her claim she was 20 weeks! It's likely not her fault, clearly that's what she's been told, but why would people do that.

Get the book of records out....:haha:


> It does also tap in to my other bug bear. On speaking about Abby's prematurity, I'm always regaled with stories about someone's sister's auntie's cousin's next door neighbour who was early and now they are a strapping 6ft rugby playing bruiser. I swear there must be a link between prematurity and tall people! As you say, thanks for trying to make me feel better but somehow I always felt it actually lessened the severity of our experience, as if we had nothing to worry about and it would all be fine.

ARGH :grr: A lady done this to me at work last week, oh aye he was a rugby player no less! was close to interupting her sayin _"errr,hi, 29 weeker speaking, im a short arse  stop trying to make me feel better, just shhhust"_ I think people just realise they are talking mince sometimes and use comments like that to cover it


----------



## dizz

Agiboma said:


> MommaAlexis said:
> 
> 
> Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!
> 
> If you are saying that to the mom of the preemie then yes i wold be offended. We already know our babies are smaller than their actual age and tbh we really dont need any reminders from full term mothers who where lucky enough to carry their babies to term. This is just my opinion others may not feel the way i do.Click to expand...

If they come and ASK I always had less issues than them standing at a distance staring and/or pointing going "duh that baby's sooooo small" and speculating loud enough that I could hear.


----------



## AP

MommaAlexis said:


> Just curious, my friend has a preemie, I don't mention how tiny she is but she's half the sizeand double the age of my LO. I usually am just like "Omg! lara you're a giant!!" . Is that less offensive? I can't help it because there's such a huge size difference!

I wouldnt say either :thumbup: and would just find another compliment. Sometimes its easy to see someone is lying to make us feel better, and then resentment comes into it.


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## MommaAlexis

I should clarify lara is my daughter haha

Just seeing her daughter makes me realize how big mine has gotten, I do usually follow it by how adorable she is. I just realized after reading this that she may take it as bragging about my girl.


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## Foogirl

Betheny. Congratulations! It sounds like your LO is doing well, I hope your stay in NNICU is short an uneventful. Don't be afraid of the feeding tube. We came to love it so much we missed it when it was gone. So much easier for feeding them! Although, I will warn you, when Abby's came out it was 1 week....no...5 days....no 3 days....how about tomorrow you take her home and we were so unprepared! If you have any worries at all, we're all here. It's a tough journey, but remember to take care of you too. Also check out The Bliss website, loads of great ino there too.

Thanks for your lovely words about Abby. We are so aware her problems could have been much worse and how fortunate we are to still have her. It is hard some days, but she is an absolute joy.


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## DonnaBallona

Congratulations Betheney! your baby son sounds like he's got away to a cracking start-I hope his stay in the NICU is a short and boring one. My son is currently in scbu too; I miss him so much- I know just how you're feeling. big hugs :hugs: 

MommaAlexis; I wouldn't fret or overthink what you're saying to your friend. I honestly wouldn't think twice about that comment if a friend of mine had said it in jest- but if a random came up to me in the supermarket and exclaimed how much bigger her wonderful bruiser of a daughter was I probably would be a bit upset.


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## lil-lauren

my baby was 2 weeks early but in 3lb baby grows she didnt seem to grow and i always got comments i ended up screaming at someone in asda because id had enough, shes 26 months and only in 12-18 months clothes people still comment. the worst was a week or so ago someone asked if i feed her properly, i burst out crying (hormones got the better of me) and said yes i do and she eats better then you ever would you tramp. i felt so rude afterwards but i couldnt stop myself!!! i feed her fresh chicken breast or fresh fish with veg and rice or potatoes.


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## bumpsmum

Good for you Lauren lol xx


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## gryphongrl

Hi, I didn't expect to find myself here but having delivered my first at 33 weeks yesterday I am already a little crazy about how weird people are about my new daughter... She is not breathing on her own yet and will need care for a while (they've told me not to be too hopeful about her coming home before Christmas). One day out and hopefully you all don't mind me complaining a bit, this experience is so out of what I expected that reading your responses was really cathartic for me. 

- No one asks about the labor and delivery, like it doesn't count or something because she's small?! She's still more than 4 lbs and does have a skull, it's not like she just fell out while I was taking a walk! It was a real labor and pushing process and I'm a bit beat up like any woman would be. 
- So many people have said "cousin so-and-so was a 36 weeker and he's fine, just had a bit of jaundice, does your daughter have jaundice?" or "aunt whatever delivered two weeks early". I have gotten to the point already in 1 1/2 days where I can tell them that DAYS mean a world to a preemie, let alone weeks, let alone 5 weeks! Stop comparing! 
- One of my relatives asked if we'd be flying across the country to my hometown for Christmas so they could meet our daughter... like, What?! Maybe you should do some googling first, you want a baby of 38 weeks gestational age to fly across the country? Is this in one of those special medivac helicopters, perhaps?
-Already have gotten suggestions of what I possibly "did wrong". Like - maybe you ate too much and there wasn't any room for her. Maybe when I saw you slip on the stairs your water broke (I slipped like, 2 steps in a normal waddling pregnancy way). Maybe you did too much shopping on Black Friday. Maybe it's your age? (I'm 36.) Is this going to happen again? Is it because you planned a home birth? (Neonatologist thinks, by the way, some kind of infection caused ROM leading to labor, and said officially cause is totally unknown and it was officially not preventable.)

Well, thanks for letting me vent, I bet most of you have heard all of these before.


----------



## lil-lauren

gryphongrl said:


> Hi, I didn't expect to find myself here but having delivered my first at 33 weeks yesterday I am already a little crazy about how weird people are about my new daughter... She is not breathing on her own yet and will need care for a while (they've told me not to be too hopeful about her coming home before Christmas). One day out and hopefully you all don't mind me complaining a bit, this experience is so out of what I expected that reading your responses was really cathartic for me.
> 
> - No one asks about the labor and delivery, like it doesn't count or something because she's small?! She's still more than 4 lbs and does have a skull, it's not like she just fell out while I was taking a walk! It was a real labor and pushing process and I'm a bit beat up like any woman would be.
> - So many people have said "cousin so-and-so was a 36 weeker and he's fine, just had a bit of jaundice, does your daughter have jaundice?" or "aunt whatever delivered two weeks early". I have gotten to the point already in 1 1/2 days where I can tell them that DAYS mean a world to a preemie, let alone weeks, let alone 5 weeks! Stop comparing!
> - One of my relatives asked if we'd be flying across the country to my hometown for Christmas so they could meet our daughter... like, What?! Maybe you should do some googling first, you want a baby of 38 weeks gestational age to fly across the country? Is this in one of those special medivac helicopters, perhaps?
> -Already have gotten suggestions of what I possibly "did wrong". Like - maybe you ate too much and there wasn't any room for her. Maybe when I saw you slip on the stairs your water broke (I slipped like, 2 steps in a normal waddling pregnancy way). Maybe you did too much shopping on Black Friday. Maybe it's your age? (I'm 36.) Is this going to happen again? Is it because you planned a home birth? (Neonatologist thinks, by the way, some kind of infection caused ROM leading to labor, and said officially cause is totally unknown and it was officially not preventable.)
> 
> Well, thanks for letting me vent, I bet most of you have heard all of these before.


oh how stupid!! do people in this world really not have a brain?! your baby was born early because that is what has happened and all that matters is your recovery and your baby becomes the strongest it can be!! other people seeing her really isnt a priority and if they want to see her then get on a plane and meet this little person who has alot more going on then them!!! sorry rant over ha ha. i hope you all the best and im sure you are over the moon to finally meet her. each day is an amazing gift!


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## Stelly

I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia. 

The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head :dohh:


----------



## Foogirl

Stelly said:


> I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.
> 
> The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head :dohh:

This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"

I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires. :growlmad:


----------



## lilbeanhoping

Foogirl said:


> Stelly said:
> 
> 
> I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.
> 
> The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head :dohh:
> 
> This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"
> 
> I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires. :growlmad:Click to expand...


Ugh I agree! My most hated comment!
I still get this comment and pisses me off.
Like wtf yes im soooo lucky I didn't get to properly hold/kiss/snuggle my baby until he was 4days old due to everything he was going thru! And sooo lucky i got to sit by watching him suffer and fight thru things while I could do nothing but watch! We're so lucky he spent the first part of his life dealing with tubes and wires in places that make me cringe even thinking about! 
But no we're so lucky to have all that rather than some sleepless nights,difficulty walking and back pain!....oh wait we had that too but it was because of emergency csections, spending our nights at our baby's bedside in uncomfortable chairs, not sleeping out of worry and crying ourselves to sleep when we managed to.

Stupid ppl! 
(sorry rant over haha)


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## Betheney

The thing that annoyed me most is the amount of people who thought they would be able to come and visit in the nursery. I announced the birthh and I was shocked at the amount of people who believed they could visit immediately. They seem to think it was no big deal he was in special care. A lot of people seemed to want to see him when he's small but I'm sorry he's not a sideshow at a circus.

All of our family liver inter-state and I told ALL of them no one is visiting until he's at least out of hospital. My in-lawss rang and said can they visit that immediate weekend after the birth because all their other weekends are completely booked with Christmas parties and events. Like FFS rearrange your social calendar. So I told them no. So they booked a Tuesday and both had to take the day off work, they flew down in the morning and back at night. He was still in hospital when they booked but thankfully out by the time that Tuesday rolled around.

And the next thing doesn't really annoy me but I'm surprised at the amount of people who say "he just was just a bit impatient". I was induced. I'm sick of explaining preeclampsia to everyone.

I agree with gryphon about labour, people seem to think you didn't really go through labour because he's small. My sons head was 1cm smaller than my termie daughter, it still hurts!!!


----------



## katy1310

Foogirl said:


> Stelly said:
> 
> 
> I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.
> 
> The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head :dohh:
> 
> This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"
> 
> I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires. :growlmad:Click to expand...

This was it for me as well. I had strangers in the street saying to me "Oh well you're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 9lb-er", and people telling me I was lucky to miss the last 3 months of pregnancy, lucky we could - apparently - rest and catch up on sleep before she came home. Erm...yes, lucky that we had to watch our tiny little baby hooked up to all those machines, lucky to have to leave her 60 miles away from home....and as for resting, we were so worried the whole time she was in, scared every time the phone rang, not to mention the daily 120 mile round trips to see her. 

I'd rather have the uncomfortable stages of pregnancy a million times over than watch my baby fighting in NICU and going through goodness knows what just to survive. 

xx


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## MissMonty

My girls were born naturally @ 31 weeks due to spontaneous labour and spent 9 weeks first in NICU and then SCBU. I've had comments about how the birth must have been so easy because they were small! In my opinion pushing out a tiny baby was exhausting plus they were born 19 minutes apart so that was another 19 minuets of pushing straight after my first twin was born believe me that was hard work! Also someone said to me that it must be nice to have a good nights sleep and recover after the birth while they're still in hospital, now anyone with a baby who's been in special care knows you can't sleep for worrying and you're at the hospital day and night. I had the people just turning up at scbu too during visiting hours whilst I was holding one of my babies or expressing it was so stressful, some people are just thoughtless!


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## Betheney

I don't understand why people think you get to catch up on sleep with a baby in hospital. You have to express every 3-4 hours. I'd much prefer to get up to my baby all night than my alarm and breast pump. I was so exhausted those first few weeks from all that pumping.


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## gryphongrl

I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...


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## lilbeanhoping

Sometimes I said to ppl "well technically he shouldn't even have been born yet but is over a Month old....so depends what age u go by actual or adjusted." 
If their comment to me was snarky or rude sounding I of course sounded just as snarky back....but if they were being nice I said it in a nice way.


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## Betheney

gryphongrl said:


> I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...

I had something like this the other night. I had Remi in the Ergo and we went to a football match and were catching the train home. A woman walking past tsk'd and shook head. I wasso angry! I have no doubt her problem was the fact it was 11pm. But seriously he's older than he looks and knows no difference between 11am and 11pm.


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## Sproglett

Gone through some of the comments on here, sorry haven't had chance to read everything. My lo is currently 22w, he was born at 34+6. He is quite short like me and his dad (I'm 5'2, my dh is 5'5) I got so many comments like alot I have read... Responses I wanted to make in red

"He looks just like a doll" no, he looks like a baby!

"We'll at least you didn't have to get to the uncomfortable full term stage or have to wait for a late baby" actually at 34w+6 I had gained 4 1/2 stone, I also had a funny turn that put me in hospital over night a week before he came oh and this being my
4th pregnancy but my only baby, I would have loved to have experienced the full pregnancy even though I was petrified I would lose him

"I wouldn't leave my baby's cot side if I had a premmie" yes cuz I want to leave my less that 2 week old baby with someone I don't know rather than being with me an his daddy(I was at hospital next to my son 8am - midnight daily, I went home to sleep, my husband already tore me away to try to help me and our son)

"You had to have pethadine? God he was only 5lbs 10!!"he was also PREMATURE my body wasn't ready to have him yet

"Why was he early?"actually my waters went, the following day as much as the hospital wanted to keep him in another 2+ weeks, he had other ideas. He was also bery poorly, my blood tried to kill his blood cells and very nearly succeeded a o we were lucky he came when he did

"He'll get there" wow, u think??? Your opinion has really eased my mind, screw the fact that I know this and don't need reminding permanently that we had to wait so much longer for that first smile and laugh and for him to lift his head etc

And many more!


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## Foogirl

gryphongrl said:


> I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...

I'd come back with "no, that baby was born xx nr of weeks ago, spent xx nr of weeks in neonatal intensive care and finally came home to us xx nr of days /weeks ago. Is there anything else you'd like to know?"


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## arj

I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose" 

Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?


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## emaritska

arj said:


> I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose"
> 
> Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?

This is awful and unfortunately common I think! When Ethan was first born I didn't put any pictures online etc for friends as he was on CPAp and drips etc and I have some young relatives (kids) on there who may have been bit scared ..however once wa s just the ng tube I popped a few up and got " oooh, that's cute apart from the tube" ..one idiot suggested we remove "the thing in his nose to get a nice picture" :/


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## bumpsmum

mini rant warning: so this was a total surprise baby so
much so the baby's due date is the day we RETURN from out fully booked and paid for big family holiday! But.......it's ok because 'knowing me' the baby will be here well before the holiday and home and we can all go as planned!!!

Er no.........I'd rather have the baby safe in my belly til he/she is ready to come out not torn 10 weeks early thanks holidays happen yearly (finances permitting) I'm happy to miss this one out thanks.

it's getting on my last nerve now grr!!!


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## AP

:hugs: that's insensitive :(


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## Sproglett

Awww bumpsmum, good luck wit your pregnancy, hope this bean cooks to full term. People who haven't been there just don't understand!


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## Betheney

emaritska said:


> arj said:
> 
> 
> I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose"
> 
> Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?
> 
> This is awful and unfortunately common I think! When Ethan was first born I didn't put any pictures online etc for friends as he was on CPAp and drips etc and I have some young relatives (kids) on there who may have been bit scared ..however once wa s just the ng tube I popped a few up and got " oooh, that's cute apart from the tube" ..one idiot suggested we remove "the thing in his nose to get a nice picture" :/Click to expand...

I was really quite offended at the hospital as there's a photography company that goes around asking if you'd like professional photos of the newborn, when they saw me i was still in my be on the ward so they didnt realise where Remi was and i said i'd like some photos but we'd have to wait for a time of day when he's allowed out of the isolet crib as he's only out limited times each day and so they asked if he had a tube to which i replied "yes" and they explained that they don't take photos of newborns with gastric tubes they wait till it's removed and come back then to take the photos.

I was so offended as my beautiful baby was gorgeous to me with or without a tube and to insinuate it's not worth taking a photo because of his tube or that his tube is ugly really really hurt my feelings.


----------



## dizz

My MIL doesn't have a single photo up from the first fortnight of our girl's life - because of the nose tube and incubator thing. It makes me incredibly angry - like she feels her birth is something to be ashamed of - which I refuse to allow the baby to feel, since it was my body that screwed up - not her. One day I'll have it out with her - especially since the other (favoured) grandchild has photos immediately after they were born etc etc - like a "normal" baby.

In contrast my mum's got photos everywhere of her in the incubator, with nose tubes in - the works.

I'm just determined for there not to be any sense of guilt or stigma around the fact that she had to have a stupid plastic box instead of a nice warm tummy for a bit.


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## lilbeanhoping

Thats horrible people r like that about stupid tubes.
We have tons of pics of lo with all his tubes and wires. Posted on fb as well because ohs family is out of town and thats how we share pics and the only way for them to see him.
We dont have any around the house though. Personally im just not ready for that as i still kind of get upset seeing them because its a reminder of how my body is screwed up and caused him that pain.but hopefully one day ill get over it.


----------



## buttonnose82

I hated when people would tell me 'it must be nice to have such a little one, mine were all huge at birth' ...... erm yeah, I just LOVE having a 3lb 11oz baby!!!!! scared to touch him incase I 'broke' him!


----------



## dizz

buttonnose82 said:


> I hated when people would tell me 'it must be nice to have such a little one, mine were all huge at birth' ...... erm yeah, I just LOVE having a 3lb 11oz baby!!!!! scared to touch him incase I 'broke' him!

To be honest I think your undercarriage can get trashed a lot more delivering a preemie as the neo-natal team really do not give a stuff with the collateral damage they leave your bits in in their haste to get the baby out as quickly as possibly (it's at the roots of the social services crap they threw at me as well - me just wanting them to note my pain free gap to not leave my SPD with permanent damage so they referred me to SS as a "resistant patient" and I had to go through the whole investigation process) - so I came out with some pretty spectacular tearing and cutting from it all.


----------



## AP

That's a bit of a generalisation , I can't say the same about our neonatal staff


----------



## Ice Cold Cube

Today I got "Oh it must break your heart to leave her in there, to know she's not getting all the love that you could give her at home."

Yea, thanks for that! Just what I needed to hear!

Laura


----------



## AP

:hugs: Laura you'd be surprised at what the nurses do when you aren't there. Our unit just won an award based on a nomination I made for them with regards to the super care and attention they provided for us and Alex. We used to walk into the nursery and catch the nurses talking and singing to the babies. The nurses get to know their neonatal personalities and give them more than just the standard medical care. When you aren't there Ella has friends in the nurses for sure!


----------



## mommy0629

AtomicPink said:


> :hugs: Laura you'd be surprised at what the nurses do when you aren't there. Our unit just won an award based on a nomination I made for them with regards to the super care and attention they provided for us and Alex. We used to walk into the nursery and catch the nurses talking and singing to the babies. The nurses get to know their neonatal personalities and give them more than just the standard medical care. When you aren't there Ella has friends in the nurses for sure!

The staff at our NICU were absolutely superb also and I've actually been wanting to do something. What sort of nomination did you do for them and how? I was thinking of writing a letter and sending it the editor of a local newspaper and then to the hospital itself, but that's all I could think of. The NICU here is only 1 year old so I doubt the staff has gotten the proper credit they deserve. I wrote the nurses a letter and got them a bunch of chocolate lol the day we went home, but I'd like to do something more public for them, ya know?


----------



## ShelbyLC

My NICU nurses were absolutely fantastic as well. My girls loved their primary nurse as much as I did - they actually looked for her when they heard her voice. I cried when they came home because I felt guilty for separating them from her (and her from them)!


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## AP

Mommy0629 it's was the Mother & Baby and bliss big heart awards. I'm sure they will do nominations nearer November time x


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## Betheney

I had ups and downs with our staff. I found the love that they gave to the babies was fantastic, they were very cuddly and patient and really kind women. But nearly everyday when I went in he was either lying in his own vomit or poo. They'd always remark that he had to of done it within the last 5mins as they just checked on him but it was always semi dries and obvious it had been there a while I also found them quite bossy and not sensitive to the fact he was my baby and in the nusery, they would tell me when I could hold him and when I couldn't and I felt for weeks like he wasn't mine he was theirs and I got to spend time with him when they said so.

But they always put him first and everything they did was for his benefit so I really shouldn't complain. It's probably hard for them to tell a mother not to hold her baby. They just didn't seem very sympathetic about it. But then again I have a tendency to be really happy and upbeat in front of people and then cry when I'm alone, maybe they thought the nursery wasn't effecting me so didn't realise they needed to be sensitive with me. I really would of benefited from just a tiny bit of it. But like I said I don't think they think of the mother's much, which is fair enough I suppose


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## dizz

The hospital I had the misfortune to be at have very much got the view (stated to me at least twice by separate members of staff) that "we're not bothered about the mothers - we only care about the babies" sadly. Shocking that they have that and that they get away with it - but you're in a vulnerable place and at your lowest without much oomph to tell them how screwed up that is so they get away with it. 

Glad other places are different though - shame I live where I live.


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## Sproglett

Here's another 

"I wouldn't be able to leave them in hospital and go home, I'd sleep on the floor if I had to"

Yep because I wanted to go home without my baby in my arms, forget the fact I only went home to sleep and felt guilty every second I was away from my son, it tore me apart, I was there 7:50am - 12:10am daily! That's 17h20m a day, then 1h in total travelling so only was home 5h 40m maximum in which I had to get changed and sleep!


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## lilbeanhoping

That is really horrible some of you moms were treated that way. We were so lucky the staff in our nicu were amazing! Both for lo and for us as parents. They were so supportive to us while we were there. The two of us had to be transferred via ambulances from the hospital I had my emcs at to the hospital with the nicu and I must say even the ambulance teams were amazing.
I'm very great full for the people we had around us.


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## mummyosborne

The worst one I ever had I'm sad to say came from my LO's dad, needless to say we aren't together anymore, I was sorting through lo's clothes whilst she was still in special care and got a bit teary he told me to 'get over it, she's still alive'


----------



## Foogirl

mummyosborne said:


> The worst one I ever had I'm sad to say came from my LO's dad, needless to say we aren't together anymore, I was sorting through lo's clothes whilst she was still in special care and got a bit teary he told me to 'get over it, she's still alive'

Nice :nope:


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## Sproglett

:shock: OMFG


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## emaritska

Some of these are awful! However I must confess today I had my first moment of nearly saying something to a mum of a preemie :/ Now I feel terrible :( 

This mum (lets call her mum a) had her baby at 34weeks same as my lo, and same as us was very lucky in that baby stayed in for under 2weeks, mainly feeding and growing etc. her baby seems to be doing great and meeting milestones at actual age not corrected which is lovely, but ...we attend the same baby group and fb sites etc, and I've noticed she will use her lo adjusted age for everything not just when discussing milestones with doc etc, but at times very insensitively..so for example, today one mum at baby group basically said " I'm concerned my lo isn't sitting up yet etc" (her baby is a termie aged 6months), few of us chipped in the usual " they do things in own time etc, pointed out things her baby does well etc" and mum a pipes up " mmmmm, well my lo is only 3.5months old and is already trying to sit up so its bit worrying" ....
First mum looked rather concerned as this happens weekly and mum a's baby would appear to be incredibly advanced, I felt terrible for her, ESP as mum a's baby is actually 5months actual and therefore, I expect, just right on track ....
Fb is a constant stream of "oh he's only x months and already doing x" and almost goes as far to worry ther mums whose babies aren't doing things :( 

Makes me feel sad that I almost said "oh, I thought x was born in x and is therefore x months old?" :( 
Perhaps she is just preempting comments on his petite size and adjusting accordingly? 

*awaits a bashing from other mums*


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## lilbeanhoping

I'd be tempted to say something to! It seems as if she's intentially trying to make moms feel bad and make her child seem advanced. I get being proud about your babies accomplishments but that's a bit much. 
And saying her babys age is his adjusted age just isn't so, his age is his actual age! Adjusted age really only comes into the picture if he appears behind for his actual age. If he was behind for his actual and adjusted ages that's when there may be cause for concern. (my understanding anyway) 
Does that mean she celebrates his "adjusted age birthday"? Lol sorry, but she'd annoy me!


Don't feel bad for wanting to say something tho, ure just trying to not worry the other moms.


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## mummyosborne

I agree with the post above ^^^

Id find it hard not to say something! Its nice she is so proud of her LO's achievements but theres no need to put other mums down!


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## emaritska

Oooh so relieved its not just me!!! I just think its unfair on other mums, esp ones who already have concerns! It's a bit puzzling, if asked how old her lo is she always gives his adjusted age and awaits coos of how advanced he is :/ 
I give Ethan's actual age, then if someone comments on his size or development I usually say " mmmm he is a lil munchkin / hmmm we do have a lazy boy a times, he will catch up" or of relevant " he was a bit early so I cut him slack lol" x 

Thanks girls :)


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## Stelly

Well, I must say a wonderful woman who was in the waiting room with us at my son's physical therapy place gave me the warm and fuzzies. She was so very sweet. She saw him in his carseat and said he was a beautiful little boy. She asked if I minded if she had a few questions when she noticed his apnea monitor and I said no. Asked his age and weight etc, I explained he was a preemie. This woman just was in awe and said what a wonderful mom I was, and he has had wonderful weight gain since he was born and what a little miracle he was.... she was so sweet and genuinely so enthusiastic to get to learn about him.... I really appreciated it. She brightened my day becuase normally I get glares when people see his monitor or ask his age...


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## Sproglett

I also have a lazy bum, he's just gone 7 1/2 months (or should I refer to him as 6m lol) and is not yet sitting, I think I would have put mom a in her place as her baby is not 3 1/2m. Grr she's angered me lol


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## emaritska

Lol sproglett ...I grrrrr'd too! Ethan didn't sit till after 8months, In fact usually when I come on here and comment he isn't doing something, or the hv points it out, a few days later he does it! 

Did I mention he isn't crawling/ walking / making me cups of tea yet? ;)


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## Vicyi

I'm only 12 days into my preemie journey but I've already had TWO of the nurses say 'well at least you get to sleep through the night' and another say 'the good thing about having your baby is NICU is that they get them into a routine for you..' :grr:


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## AP

Jeeeezoooo..... of all the people you'd think would have tact :dohh:


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## Vicyi

Yeah I know. I thought if anyone would understand that would hurt it'd be them?!
I've also lost count of the amount of people/postnatal midwives/health visitors etc who have asked if she is 'breast or bottle fed' - erm neither she is tube fed. I understand they may mean breast milk or formula but then they should ask that! It was also worse when she was completely on a drip for first few days :(
I think that gets to me the most as i planned to breast feed but due to her Pierres I can't. I also don't like the fact that a lot of people assume she will breast/bottle feed eventually when in fact she may be tube fed right up until her cleft operation at a year old!


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## Sproglett

Vicyi - Awww hunny, hugs people don't understand do they, just cause they work on NICU doesn't mean they understand how hard it is for the parents of the babies they care for. 

Emaritska - lol, no mine neither I think it's about time he learnt to wash up as that's a constant lol. X x


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## Mommy2Dallas

two things that really upset me that were said to me while my son was in the NICU was...

Right after I had my son, His grandfather (fiance side) and step grandma came up and as they looked at him through the incubator I said "you guys can come up anytime and see him" and the reply I got what was not what I expect they say said "Oh, we wont be coming up here we'll just wait til he gets home" I will never forget how hurt I felt not for myself, but for my son. They are good grandparents, and they've done a lot for us and our son, but still to this day it stings a little. 

The next thing (Also from a family member) was while my son was in the NICU struggling for his life. My fiance's mother kind of brushed it off like what he was going through wasn't serious (My son was literally fighting to breath, fighting for his life) Instead she brought up over and over again how much it was like when her first grandson was in the hospital after being born and during his surgery for spinabifda. Granted, my nephew's surgery was major but he was born full term and healthy. She kept comparing it to my son :growlmad: it was really making me angry because it was in NO way the same. She had absolutely no idea what he or OH and I were going through. I sometimes still feel like they favor my nephew and brush my son to the side. Like, my son has trouble gaining weight and with reflux (He also has a food allergy to fish and peanuts) his peditrician is thinking about a swallow study, and I'm of course worried about that (what mother wouldn't be right?) and shes brushed it off like I was overreacting. Then I tell her not to give my son peanuts and what does she do? Gives him **** peanut butter!! She's lucky he didn't have a reaction like he did last time. 

I love my fiance family, I really do. I love his mom but sometimes I feel like she's trying to make a competition out of my parenting, or judging me as a parent. I dont know why? I've never done anything to her. I love her like a second mom but sometimes I just dont understand her.


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## myra

*"At least you can get some rest" with your baby in NICU*...No, I don't. I'm there twice a day with him, pumping every 3 hours day & night to make him milk, worrying about him, worrying about how OH is holding up under the stress of 2 jobs and a baby in NICU, and desperately missing my baby...I wouldn't call that restful.

*"That's so exciting you get to hold him for an hour every day"*

Granted it's better than not being able to hold him at all but I wouldn't call it exciting....

Other people get to hold their babies whenever they want. They don't have to watch their baby crying in an isolette, unable to pick him up and pull him to their chest to comfort him. This puts me to tears- I do the best I can, talking to him, singing him a song, putting my hands on his head and feet to comfort him with "containment"...but sometimes he just wants to be soothed by being held and I can't. It breaks my heart.

Other people don't have to be grateful for the opportunity to wash adhesive off baby's cheeks before it's reapplied so new tape can be put down to protect his skin from the plastic CPAP, or change his diaper, or take their baby's temperature...all just for an excuse to have some kind of physical contact with him.

Now that he's becoming more alert, I see my baby looking at the big plastic tube attached to his face- it seems he's trying to figure out what's stuck there...somehow it makes me so sad.

So an hour a day (every other day since OH and I take turns) isn't exactly what I would call exciting...

*Baby shower: *And this isn't a specific quote someone said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend, who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend, still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point people already have plans for a week away...who is going to come with so little notice?

My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. After such a challenging pregnancy with multiple hospitalizations, we were waiting for 3rd tri to start getting things for baby. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! Or tell me its not going to happen so I can start buying stuff. It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for- and looking forward to- that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.


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## ShelbyLC

myra said:


> *Baby shower: *And this isn't something specific that was said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point, who is going to come with so little notice?
> 
> My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.

This! People were constantly asking what we needed for the babies, saying "We'll get this and this and this for you!" and you know what? My babies are FIVE MONTHS old and not a single person has given us ANYTHING. I'm not upset because I expect anything - I know nobody is obligated to give us anything, but don't say you're going to help us out and then not do it, just because our babies are in the NICU :growlmad:


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## AmyB1978

ShelbyLC said:


> myra said:
> 
> 
> *Baby shower: *And this isn't something specific that was said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point, who is going to come with so little notice?
> 
> My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.
> 
> This! People were constantly asking what we needed for the babies, saying "We'll get this and this and this for you!" and you know what? My babies are FIVE MONTHS old and not a single person has given us ANYTHING. I'm not upset because I expect anything - I know nobody is obligated to give us anything, but don't say you're going to help us out and then not do it, just because our babies are in the NICU :growlmad:Click to expand...

 Same here. Sucks!


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## ShelbyLC

Yesterday I was talking to one of OH's coworkers, and she pointed out that my girls looked tired. I told her they had missed a nap - they refused to sleep! - so they were actually pretty tired.

So she said, "Yeah, preemies are gonna be tired for a long time anyway."

They're normal "3 month olds". They're tired because they need a nap. It has nothing to do with being preemies. :shrug:


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## Lisasmith

Brendan was 1850 grams when he came home, I was shopping with my two toddlers and had Brendan in a Moby and this little old bitch walked right up POKED HIM so hard it bruised and said "is that thing even real?" Apparently it looked like I was carrying a doll in a Moby wrap... I did lose my shit at her, in public and threatened to call the police for child abuse.


----------



## Stelly

...I would go postal on that lady- how rude and just ugh! 

The other day I went to our local craft store and the cashier noticed my sons heart & apnea monitor and asked what it was ... So after I explained he was a preemie and he needs it because he's on medication for his apnea and heart she goes " oh my god, I'm so sorry. Is he going to make it?" I was dumbfounded!


----------



## Lisasmith

Stelly said:


> ...I would go postal on that lady- how rude and just ugh!
> 
> The other day I went to our local craft store and the cashier noticed my sons heart & apnea monitor and asked what it was ... So after I explained he was a preemie and he needs it because he's on medication for his apnea and heart she goes " oh my god, I'm so sorry. Is he going to make it?" I was dumbfounded!

I completely lost it at her. Had my bub not been strapped to my chest I probably would have injured her. 

People really need to apply that brain to mouth filter.


----------



## juicyfruity

myra said:


> *"At least you can get some rest" with your baby in NICU*...No, I don't. I'm there twice a day with him, pumping every 3 hours day & night to make him milk, worrying about him, worrying about how OH is holding up under the stress of 2 jobs and a baby in NICU, and desperately missing my baby...I wouldn't call that restful.
> 
> Yes yes yes yes! i HATED that! pumping every 3 hours, getting up in the night to my alarm NOT my baby is just so horrible and so hard. Going to the NICU every morning staying till late at night. It was awful. And all around me I was being told I was 'lucky' you're getting a rest, you get the staff to 'teach' you how to care for your child, oh and "most mothers are disrchaged now even 2 days after delivery its so hard on them you're so lucky" that got me so angry. yes i appreciated being taught things like bathing and nappies as a FTM but lucky? NO WAY! i would have managed at home, changing nappies through an incubator is hard as i'm sure you all know. i'm all for looking at the positives but saying that i'm lucky it made me feel like me feelings werent valid.
> 
> Just a couple of days ago a lady said about her lack of smiling "oh its because she's got a sore tummy all the time" (we were talking about her severe reflux) I don't know why that pissed me off but it did. I guess I felt she wasnt validating that she will have setbacks as a preemie. My wellchild provider has also said "oh well she's small because you're small too!" i am very petite at 5'0 but was normal on the growth charts all through my babyhood and FOB is over 6ft! I know she was 34 weeks and not as desperately unwell as many other prems but she had a lot of setbacks for her gestation and even if she hadnt I hate feeling unvalidated. It seem like its a 'competition' like "oh how early was she?" "six weeks" "oh well my aunty's cousins brothers best friends neighbour had a baby at 23 weeks she had ALL SORTS of and her parents are just so positive! they had such a rough time of it but not little xyz is five and absolutely fine! you wouldnt know!" it seems once you've had a preemie everyone knows someone with a prem and not only that one who had a MUCH longer MUCH harder stay in the NICU with MUCH more positive parents :growlmad:


----------



## rbourre

juicyfruity said:


> It seem like its a 'competition' like "oh how early was she?" "six weeks" "oh well my aunty's cousins brothers best friends neighbour had a baby at 23 weeks she had ALL SORTS of and her parents are just so positive! they had such a rough time of it but not little xyz is five and absolutely fine! you wouldnt know!" it seems once you've had a preemie everyone knows someone with a prem and not only that one who had a MUCH longer MUCH harder stay in the NICU with MUCH more positive parents :growlmad:

Exactly! I get so tired of hearing about everyone who knows someone who had a preemie and hearing about how they had a tough time or even how they are doing fine. I'm glad they are doing good (or sad they aren't) but after hearing stories day after day after day...it gets to be too much. I like talking to people who actually have preemies and are going through the same things I am or have been there and I can ask questions.


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## Foogirl

And aren't all those preemies that had a tough time now 26, and a strapping 6ft tall. I swear there is a link between preemies and excessive height. I've never yet heard a story where my neighbour's sister's friend's cousin's preemie son is now a skinny 5 footer!


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## Betheney

I think what I hate the most is people expecting you to divulge your pain and what you were going through. I'm an incredibly personap person and hate people knowing when I'm stressed about something or upset about something. My preeclampsia and our special care nursery stay I never cried in front of anyone and come off as flippant on serious matters. Im not flippant I just don't want to share my inner most anxieties and pain WITH YOU?!?!? I hate pity eyes yhe most.

So when people hear of your struggles and they give me pity eyes and start sayong "oh it must be hard leaving everyday" and just nosying into my business. I don't understand how yout answer "everything is going just fine thanks" is a signal for "ask more questions that are inappropriate"


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## myra

I wish people would stop telling me "Just be patient." As if I haven't been putting all my energy into being patient from the minute he entered NICU!

In line with that, we've already had half a dozen people this week say things like "Don't be too eager for him to come home, having a newborn is exhausting...It's better if he stays in hospital a bit longer since you won't have any free time when he does come home." 

And they continue to push the point when we say that we'd rather be exhausted & have him home with us than be exhausted & have him in hospital. Yes, it will be tiring but that's part of having children- and we are so desperate for him to be well enough to come home and for us to feel like a family.


----------



## Foogirl

myra said:


> I wish people would stop telling me "Just be patient." As if I haven't been putting all my energy into being patient from the minute he entered NICU!
> 
> In line with that, we've already had half a dozen people this week say things like "Don't be too eager for him to come home, having a newborn is exhausting...It's better if he stays in hospital a bit longer since you won't have any free time when he does come home."
> 
> And they continue to push the point when we say that we'd rather be exhausted & have him home with us than be exhausted & have him in hospital. Yes, it will be tiring but that's part of having children- and we are so desperate for him to be well enough to come home and for us to feel like a family.

Oh that's unforgivable. Imagine thinking you'd prefer a wee one in hospital to a wee one at home. :growlmad:


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## Betheney

that is the most ridiculous statement i've ever heard. As if anyone would PREFER their baby in hospital. That just makes me angry.


----------



## PinkLady17

My ex mother in law (good riddance to her and her abusive son!) told me when baby was at hospital: "My friends and I are not buying gifts because we don't think your baby will make it"

she did not buy gifts after baby got out either way lol


----------



## lilbeanhoping

PinkLady17 said:


> My ex mother in law (good riddance to her and her abusive son!) told me when baby was at hospital: "My friends and I are not buying gifts because we don't think your baby will make it"
> 
> she did not buy gifts after baby got out either way lol

Wow!

"well I guess you've only got what, a couple years left, what's the need in buying birthday, Xmas etc presents!" 

Glad ure rid of them!


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## Sproglett

Omg pinklady that's awful, I don't know what I would have done if that was said to me, I'd like to think I'd b*tch slap her, but I'd have probably broke down in tears. Agreed you're better off without them x


----------



## PinkLady17

lilbeanhoping said:


> PinkLady17 said:
> 
> 
> My ex mother in law (good riddance to her and her abusive son!) told me when baby was at hospital: "My friends and I are not buying gifts because we don't think your baby will make it"
> 
> she did not buy gifts after baby got out either way lol
> 
> Wow!
> 
> "well I guess you've only got what, a couple years left, what's the need in buying birthday, Xmas etc presents!"
> 
> Glad ure rid of them!Click to expand...

good one! lol..


----------



## ShelbyLC

Sorry to bring back an old(ish) thread, but I didn't want to make another.

I was talking about my twins today with a friend's step-dad. We were at a get-together/party and it was my first time meeting him. He asked, "Why were they early? Were you doing crack or something?" I politely answered that, no, my body wasn't capable of handling twins. A few minutes later, on a separate strain of conversation, he said, "With two kids, your life is over. You should just give them to someone who wants to adopt them and move to a beach somewhere." Everyone got really quiet and I walked outside and cried. OH told him off and the guy left quickly after his wife apologized to me.

I can't believe the nerve of some people. It was NOT my fault they were born early. I didn't do drugs. I took care of them as best as I could. :cry:


----------



## Simonecah

I'm so sorry. What an obnoxious thing to say! I'm glad you brought back this thread. So cathartic so read all of the other obnoxious things people say. I'm not alone in hearing them., I wanted to add a few things that the NICU nurses say that really anger me...

He didn't like that (after trying to do kangaroo, but he dropped his sats too much)
He's just being a drama king
I heard he was really ding-y
He's being naughty
What are you doing NOW?

I want to tell them that NO, he is not being any of those things. He is just 33 weeks gestation, born at 29. He gets tired and he is just learning how to do these things that my body should have let him do inside. Have a little compassion. Furthermore, he is the sweetest little baby in the world! I am also annoyed when they come running in and rush to do things, when if they would just wait a bit, he would get better. Some of the are great, and some clearly don't have as much experience. Finally, let me do what I can! Some are great, and some insist on doing things that I can clearly do. If life were perfect, I would be doing everything for him. I want to be as involved as possible and I have said this repeatedly!

Anyway, done with my rant. Can't wait until this NICU time is over.


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## mommy0629

ShelbyLC said:


> Sorry to bring back an old(ish) thread, but I didn't want to make another.
> 
> I was talking about my twins today with a friend's step-dad. We were at a get-together/party and it was my first time meeting him. He asked, "Why were they early? Were you doing crack or something?" I politely answered that, no, my body wasn't capable of handling twins. A few minutes later, on a separate strain of conversation, he said, "With two kids, your life is over. You should just give them to someone who wants to adopt them and move to a beach somewhere." Everyone got really quiet and I walked outside and cried. OH told him off and the guy left quickly after his wife apologized to me.
> 
> I can't believe the nerve of some people. It was NOT my fault they were born early. I didn't do drugs. I took care of them as best as I could. :cry:

What?! Oh man I would have punched the ***hole in the face after the crack comment, he wouldn't have even made it to the beach one. People are just idiots I swear. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a jerk hun :hugs:


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## Fliss

lozzy21 said:


> I had a big preemie and can remember people asking why she was not smiling at 7 weeks and when they were told she was 5 weeks early asked if i was sure?! No i just fell asleep for 4 weeks and missed a month of my pregnancy.

Oh gosh me too - Nathan was 6lb 11.5oz (3.05kg) at birth and that was at 35+4 - and people KEPT ASKING if I was a. sure he was prem and b. sure of my dates - yes I bloody well was - I charted!!!!


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## MommyGrim

I had one of my friends mom tell me that I should be happy I had them early otherwise they would have been huge... :nope: (they were 5 lb 9 oz and 4 lb 11 oz at 34 weeks)
What I would give for them to have baked longer...


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## MommyGrim

Oh and MIL kept saying we were 'being paranoid and overprotective' for asking her to wash her hands well before touching the babies and telling her not to touch them while they were sleeping since they need their sleep to get better :growlmad:


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## Heramys

À friend of mine just said to me: "oh you're so lucky being at hospital still, getting all the help you need. I wanted to stay longer with my baby as i had so much pain after c-sec, but couldn't"...

I really got angry and said "well I rather be home and in severe pain with healthy kids, than having kids with a tube down their throat connected to a ventilator" :growlmad:

She got the message load and clear and apologised.


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## MYBezalel

Uhmm... I have a CRS IUGR baby, although he was born 36weeks, his size is of a 28weeker. 

One thing that hurts the most is being asked, "Why did this happen to your baby?" or "Why did you not get the vaccine before you got pregnant?"

Honestly, I never ever knew about the 2types of measles. I was just told by my mom that I already got it when I was a kid. But turns out it was the baby measles, not rubella. I already blamed myself for causing this to him, but when others would ask, "Why did you not get the vaccine?" or "What did you do wrong?" It hurts a lot even more.


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