# Update after nearly 4 months



## daveww

well after nearly 4 months i have still not spent any time with my little girl or even seen her. the only thing i have really had in this entire time is pictures my girl has drawn of me or for me at her nursery. ( her nursery are very good) when i call them they tell me if she has made any pictures for me and i go and collect them :)
apart from that all that has happened is sevral delays of going to court from my girls mother , such as letters from her sol sayin "we could try" mediation , so my sol sets a medation meeting up and the mother does not attend , says she didnt get the letter lets make another appointment , then not attending that one and statin she doesnt want to go ahead with mediation anymore , next delay her sol rights a letter askin for me to put forward some contact options days and time etc. so my sol send one bk with my suggestions so i get a reply back sayin they will need a little time to think about it , so we give them time , then they say we dont agree to what you proposed but we will offer you time in a contact centre. so i agree to this but say i will still continue with court action as thier is no reason why it should be in a contact centre , but am happy to accept that so me and my girl at least get to spend some time together while we wait for court. next response... the contact centre offer is only on the understanding that the matter ends here and i do not pursue court action! ... so basically now back to square one and waiting to get this to court which is going to take a few months. so basically no further forward at all and now have to spend more months without my girl seeing me and not noing whats going on in her life.


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## dustbunny

Don't get me wrong as I think it's a very harsh situation you are finding yourself in but if the mother is not happy with you having contact at all then why is the nursery giving you access to your daughters work? I'm not saying in any way, shape or form this shouldn't be allowed but my understanding of when I have spoken to nurseries about my concerns with FOB they have told me that under no circumstances would they contact him/let him pick her up/have contact etc etc etc. Please don't take my asking in the manner in which it is not intended, it is purely from a view of my own situation I'd like to know. 
Also what times etc are you proposing? I just can't fathom your LO's mother as you actively want to be involved and she's not letting you. I just find it so hard to understand. Really hope everything gets sorted for you soon. 

:hugs:


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## Laura2919

Does your ex know that nursery and you have contact? 

I hope something comes of it all soon.


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## daveww

i have parental responseability of my daughter jointly with her mother , parental responseability covers lots of areas one being contact but it does not specify how much or little thats why it needs to be decided by a court. the things it does include tho is things such as education healthcare religion etc. and any parent who has parental responseability is entitled to information , input and consulting in any decisions concering these areas. i have not spoken to my girls mother directly (her choice) so i cant confirm whether she nos im in regular contact with the nursery , she can not stop any contact between me and the nursery tho because i have that parental responseability , it only covers very limited and very specific things tho .... i cant for example pick my daughter up or visit her in the nursery without the mothers consent , but i can phone and speak to a member of staff (on a daily basis) if i want , i can only ask questions about what my girl has done at nursery and how she is developing education wise. if she has done drawings or made things etc. i am entitled to pick them ( not every single one but a selection) ... i have to make a appointment with the staff for a time to pick them up ( u cnt just turn up whenever u feel like it) ... any father with parental responseability is entitled to do those things. just to add also , i rang my girls nursery when contact stoppped and explained my PR and the information i would like them to tell me as her mother was making things difficult and i did have to attend a appointment with the manager at the nursery and take forms of my id my daughters id and also a copy of my daughters birth certificate with my name on as the father , at which point they gave me a password which i have to use when i ring so they can confirm its me who thier speaking to on the phone. so in your situation he couldnt just ring up and say hes the father tell me what shes be doing at nursery type of thing. he would have to go thro the proccess of ID and provin PR etc. ..... which im happy to say my girls nursery where very good with and took less than a week to get a appointment and arrange everything.


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## Laura2919

My nursery are not allowed to give information out unless they contact me first. They can only give information out to whoever is down on the paperwork and that's all my family. I asked this and my nursery said they don't allow it. That's why I asked you. FOB only knows what the girls get up to through me. He doesn't pay any attention to them anyway.


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## dustbunny

This has got me a tad worried with regards to my own situation. I know my FOB has shown no interest and has been a bully, I would hate to think if he so decided he could find out things behind my back and potentially without my knowledge. If I found out this had been the case well hell would hath no fury.


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## Laura2919

Dustbunny, I don't think all nurseries are like the one Dave's little girl goes to cos I know my nursery doesn't allow for FOB to contact them regarding the girls.


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## daveww

any Father with Parental Responeability is able to do it he has a legal right , if the nursery is not aware that they have to give this information then i guess the father may need to take legal action of some sort as the nursery would be in breach of the law


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## daveww

here is a small section of the goverment website detaling the law of PR

Where more than one person has parental responsibility for a child, each of them may act alone and without the other (or others) in meeting that responsibility;

However case-law has established that in certain circumstances parents are under a legal duty to consult, meaning that where parents are separated, the resident parent is not always entitled to act without first consulting her ex-partner. Back in 1998 the Court of Appeal (Re H (Parental Responsibility) said that a father with parental responsibility would have to be consulted on &#8220;schooling, serious medical problems and other important occurrences in the child's life'.

Parental responsibility is not concerned with the day-to-day care of the child, does not permit either (separated) parent to interfere with how the other parent cares for the child when the child is in their care. In A v A (Shared Residence) [2004] EWHC142 at paragraph 118 Mr Justice Wall remarked:

&#8216;It is a basic principle that, post separation, each parent with parental responsibility retains an equal and independent right and responsibility to be informed and make appropriate decisions about their children. However, where children are being looked after by one parent, that parent needs to be in a position to take the day-to-day decisions that have to be taken while that parent is caring for the children. Parents should not be seeking to interfere with one another in matters which are taking place while they do not have the care of their children. Subject to any questions which are regulated by court order, the object of the exercise should be to maintain flexible and practical arrangements whenever possible.&#8217;


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## Laura2919

Well the girls nursery said they only give information out to the people I've put down on the forms which is my mum, dad and sister. They said they wouldn't supply information to their dad unless they asked my permission first.. 

Let him take legal action. Hope he has the funds lol. Maybe if he took an interest in how they are getting on I'd let him know but he would only do it just to piss me off.


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## daveww

to be completely honest it would take very little funds ... a simple letter from a sol explain to the nursery they are legally obliged to give this information i think would be enough ..... i very much doubt any nursery is going to spend money on legal fees and going to court when they are the ones in breach of the law. after all the nursery is not going to want bad press etc. in not complying with the law.


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## Laura2919

They probably wouldn't but he wouldn't know that so just shows how interested he is in his children doesn't it. He only phones up to fish for information but who cares. If he wants to know he can feel free to ask me. He is that concerned he doesn't even know the nursery the girls go to. I gave up trying to feed him information a looooooooong time ago


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## daveww

in some situations i dont think the nursery should be givin information or any of a childs work to fob. but the law is pretty bad for both mothers and fathers thier is bad points on both sides of the law , in this case it is bad that any father with PR regardless of whether he is involved in the childs life can just do this at anytime. i think thats wrong and needs to be changed. in my situation tho it has been fantastic in keepin me updated in a very small way about my girl. bcos until its been to court if the mother does not want to give any information i would not no anything , so i am very gratefull for this law.

if any father was really bothered he can go see a sol who can make a application the education department tho are legally obliged to give information to which school or nursery the child attend to a father with PR. but only a father who was really wanting to be a good father would probably do that , so in the majority of cases where it seems the fob does not want to be involved its a safe bet to say they would not even attempt to do that.


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## MommaAlexis

Haha I think you just made every single mom on here sweat a little bit with worry!


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## 17thy

I am honestly a little weirded about by some of the responses on here. A father is ...well HALF of the baby why on earth shouldn't he be allowed to get drawings from his daughter? Especially if he has rights.

I understand when there are shitty fathers that don't want anything to do with the baby but clearly this man wants to be involved in his daughters life. And the nursery is in the right by following the law.


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## MommaAlexis

I don't think they were attacking OP, this is a single parents thread so I'm assuming these women are not with the FOB. They are just concerned that their own FOB could do this, if there is legitimate reasons he shouldn't be getting updates, I'm sure he just worried some mommies and they want to find out the what, where, and why behind him being able to get updates.


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## LoveMyBugg x

17thy said:


> I am honestly a little weirded about by some of the responses on here. A father is ...well HALF of the baby why on earth shouldn't he be allowed to get drawings from his daughter? Especially if he has rights.
> 
> I understand when there are shitty fathers that don't want anything to do with the baby but clearly this man wants to be involved in his daughters life. And the nursery is in the right by following the law.

Half of the child biologically doesn't always mean s***. Good for families with fob's who take healthy part of the child's life, not all do. Sperm equals "father", not always daddy. 

Nobody here was attacking OP. At all. From what I can tell he's a good dad, doing what he can until the courts officialize for him. 

OP- must be tough.. :nope:


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## MommaAlexis

I have to agree with that. Some men just don't deserve to know.


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## dustbunny

17thy said:


> I am honestly a little weirded about by some of the responses on here. A father is ...well HALF of the baby why on earth shouldn't he be allowed to get drawings from his daughter? Especially if he has rights.
> 
> I understand when there are shitty fathers that don't want anything to do with the baby but clearly this man wants to be involved in his daughters life. And the nursery is in the right by following the law.

I think it is extremely easy to judge a situation you know little/nothing about based on the concept that every father wants to be included in their child's life fairly because you are lucky enough to have a man who wants to stand by you and your LO's. 

From my point of view HALF the baby might be FOB but in all honesty it took a couple of seconds commitment from FOB to create a baby... I am guessing here as I have not calculated how long it takes for cum to get where it's going, not to be too crude. It would have taken me growing the baby for 9 months for it even to exist but I get that is pure biology. Aside from that FOB has done nothing but cause me upset, pain and grief. Attempting to bully me into going back out with him and making excuse after excuse for he hasn't bothered or tried. It expected me to jump through hoops yesterday after he sent a bunch of shitty flowers not for me but to make himself feel better after he has done F all. So no, I don't feel bad for not wanting him around anymore.

Dave is the rare exception of a man... the only man on the single parents forum... who wants to be included in his daughters life but his ex won't let him. Although his nursery is being good to him the other people on this thread were relating his experiences to our own worries because we have the reverse situation to him. To think someone who does F all, contributes F all etc could one day decide to phone up the nursery and find all the info out behind our backs is not nice.


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## Laura2919

17thy said:


> I am honestly a little weirded about by some of the responses on here. A father is ...well HALF of the baby why on earth shouldn't he be allowed to get drawings from his daughter? Especially if he has rights.
> 
> I understand when there are shitty fathers that don't want anything to do with the baby but clearly this man wants to be involved in his daughters life. And the nursery is in the right by following the law.

Jump down off your high horse :roll: and while you are there remember everybody is different and their situation is different. 

FOB makes an interest in his child when he wants. The last time my FOB had his children was 5th Feb and since then hasn't seen them once, for me this is wrong, his girlfriend lives within spitting distance of my flat where he spends most of his days when not at work and even when he is at his mums she only lives a 5 minute drive, obviously he wants to be a part time dad so why should I let him have anything? Why on earth should he be allowed to phone and ask even the most insignificant question when he can't even call me and ask how his children are. How does he deserve this right? because he chucks some money my way at the end of the month?

On 8th January after a weekend at his he dropped my girls back with chicken pox, ok all kids get them I didn't have problem but that WHOLE week he NEVER called once to ask how they were doing. Is this what you call a dad? Such a fantastic dad he gave up his midweek access without a fight really, he just said oh I would still like to have them. Whooooooopie! FANTASTIC that you still want to have them! Not! 

When my children are in his care his mother does the majority of their care, she takes them out while he either goes to football or back to his girlfriends house so please the next time you fancy putting up a general post like you did remember just because he sees his children doesn't give him the RIGHT to know anything about them. If he was to come to me and ask me about them once in a while he would have the right.. 

Because of that I have requested no details be released to him and the children don't do pictures for him as everything is kept until the end of the term and given to me then (thats just nursery policy, unless we ask)

AND if you read our posts properly you will see we have never said we don't agree that Dave gets the information, there isn't many men like him fighting as hard as he is, he does deserve to know. 

Maybe you can use a different term that 'weirded out' because quite frankly there is nothing weird about any of our situations :roll:


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## MumToBe2012

I agree with Laura tbh. Things change when a baby is brought into the world, especially for the people involved. Some men refuse to man up when you're pregnant, but as soon as that baby is born some realise that a baby is REAL and it's only then that they chose to be there for their baby. It's horrible, because as the person that's pregnant, YOU'RE the one that has to deal with the what ifs, the changes to your body and the massive changes your life is going to have. As the mum you can't get away from the situation as easily as the dad can. But you have to look at things realistically - you cannot determine how things are going to be once the baby is here because it hasn't happened yet, same with you can't judge how great of a parent someone is going to be until they ARE a parent. Besides, sometimes a baby can make someone a better person/more mature.


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## Jo

Cleaned up x


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## daveww

well went to see my sol this morning , its gonna take a few days too put all the paperwork together so she made a appointment for me to come back next wed when it will all be done ready for me to sign , so we can get that submitted to the courts on weds then its just a case of waiting to hear back from them with a date ! .... i actually feel as tho things have just picked up a gear and there isnt much longer to go , think i mite be getting a bit carried away with myself tho lol


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## Lemonflower

Hi Dave. Do you get get financial help for your legal fees ?
xx


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## daveww

Lemonflower said:


> Hi Dave. Do you get get financial help for your legal fees ?
> i havent yet ive paid everything myself but im made a application to help with some of the costs


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## Lemonflower

Thanks Dave. FOB works full time and I was wondering whether he's have to pay for courts and solicitors.
x


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## daveww

Lemonflower said:


> Thanks Dave. FOB works full time and I was wondering whether he's have to pay for courts and solicitors.
> x

they will do a assesment to determine if he qualifies for legal aid and how much... if he has a partner livin with him they will assess them as a couple... if he or they earn a large amount of money they will have to pay all costs themeselves ... if they earn not so much they may get some help with legal costs such as they might pay 50% of the fees etc


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## Laura2919

How does that work? Do you get a whopping bill at the end? :shock: Does it worry you that it might be a lot of money, I am talking a lot! 

I'm glad things are progressing, hopefully that wont take long and you'll get a court date


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## daveww

well for just general stuff like a hour with my sol or letters n things ure talking around the region of £100 per hour..... the overall costs to go to court tho ranges from around £2000 to maybe £8000 it depends on how my girls mother chooses to act .. if she doesnt turn up at court or makes things very difficult at court then the court may have to wait a couple of weeks to get more information which involves another court date which in turn means more money ! .... ideally if she is open , honest and upfront about everything then it should not take more than two court dates ( i doubt she will be that) .... it worries me no end that it could get so expensive but what option do i have? .. if it came down to it i could live very happily with not much money but getting time with my lil girl ... but i could never live happy well off and fairly wealthy but not spending time with my girl ... so its a easy choice really


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## Laura2919

Wow :shock:


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## daveww

it really all boils down to the mother in a way ... if she comes to court and is just honest then it can be very straight forward and not cost too much , but if a mother wants to be horrible and not turn up to court , then on another occasion turn up but say she needs more time .. stuff like that ... then it means there is more court cases more letters more litigation thats when the costs will start growing


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## Dopeyjopey

I'm so sorry it's been so long. I can't imagine how that must feel. But it's great that nurserylet you contact them. Fingers crossed your ex doesn't make things any more difficult.

On another note - she doesn't know how lucky your daughter is to have a dad that cares so much. Los of us in here would kill to have their ex make an effort.


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