# My husband and I got into a physical fight...



## Maze

Now, I have to say and I am sure it sounds typical of someone talking about something like this... but this has never ever happened before between us. I don't know where it came from and that is the scary part. For it to happen while I am pregnant? I just can't imagine it, it doesn't seem real. 

I have been really sick with this pregnancy and in and out of the hospital for hyperemesis and high blood pressure. Yesterday, I was feeling terrible and our daughter (19 months) was also having a very hard day. She spent a lot of the day screaming loudly and every time she started up it was a challenge to get her to calm down. Last night I got her to fall asleep with me around 9pm, I was exhausted and so nauseous it was a miracle I was able to drift off at all. An hour later I woke up with her screaming in my ear. I tried to snuggle her and calm her down but nothing seemed to be working. My husband came up and tried as well, but after about 10 minutes I started getting worked up. I felt so stressed and so sick, I turned away and just yelled "STOP!" Obviously, that didn't work. Somewhere in my husband's mind it made it worse but from where I was sitting her screaming stayed the same. I then said to him. "You need to take her." Because I was losing my patience and felt like I was going to start screaming and crying too. So he picked her up and went downstairs. 

Another 10 minutes passed and she was still screaming. I felt so guilty for having sent her away that I called down to him and said to bring her back up. To which he responded "What, so you can hit her this time?!" I couldn't believe it... I felt my head hit the roof! How could he suggest I would beat on my crying baby? I have never laid a hand like that on our kids and never will. He knows my parents hit me growing up and he knows how I feel about it. I was so upset that I stormed downstairs, furious at him. As I came down the stairs he got into my face, I told him never to say something like that to me again and tried to get by him so I could try to calm down our daughter. He grabbed my arms and wouldn't let me near her. I just about lost it, somewhere between my hormones and my exhaustion. I couldn't believe my loving husband was acting this way. Had he lost his mind? Apparently he thought I had. 

I struggled against him and with each struggle I got more worked up and more disbelieving that this was even happening. I felt like he was acting delirious and my reaction was to reach out to slap him. I didn't slap him very hard, I am not proud that I slapped him at all. But he was holding me back from my crying child who I just wanted to comfort, accusing me of being some kind of monster because I asked for a moment to myself to calm down. He reached forward with his hands placed just above my stomach and shoved me, hard, backwards. I fell down. I was so confused and betrayed and started shouting "I am pregnant, how could you push my stomach while I am pregnant?" I became hysterical. I tried kicking at him, I went into complete fight or flight mode, suddenly afraid that he'd attack me and I had to protect the baby inside as well as my daughter who was crying on the couch. He didn't shove me again, once was enough in my eyes. I did hit him once more (not proud of that) and said how could he accuse me of being a danger to our children and then shove me while I am with child... that he was the monster and not me. That I only wanted to try to calm our daughter down and I would never ever hurt her. 

He seemed to realize what had happened and let me go. I reached out and snuggled our daughter and she immediately calmed down and fell back asleep in my arms. My husband and I tried to talk about what happened, and I guess we found some sort of resolution. Yet, I can't shake it. I am both mortified with myself and with him. I have a sore muscle in my abdomen that I think got pulled, and it is just an awful reminder of our melt down...

I can't talk to anyone in my life about what happened, I am afraid it would get blown out of proportion. 

Where do I go from here? What would you have done?


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## surprisedmama

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot excuse either one's behavior, but he should have never, ever put his hands on you while pregnant.

Doesn't matter if it was done in the heat of the moment or not, it happened and it was wrong. Yes, you were both tired, but still not an excuse.

Is there any way you both can do a counseling session or two? Or perhaps there is a crisis line you could call into anonymously to get some advice and to vent to? I really feel that you both need to speak to someone who isn't involved regularly in your lives. A non-judgmental person?

In the meantime, I would make it 100% clear that the behavior isn't acceptable and you'll leave if it happens again.


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## rachy01

thats so sad...i dont think either of you meant it to come to that. it sounds like are both absolutely appalled at what happened though and that should be enough for you guys to agree that things must never ever get physical again. i think when one persom starts it its greenflag to the other to do it back and i think in that moment he probably even forgot to think about the baby inside you.

you guys just have to be clear it will never get physical again. i think he was angry and upset because he may habe felt that you shouting "shut up" was a display of aggression towards your daughter but i think he misunderstood and wasnt considering how exhausted sick and emotional you were after looking after your screaming daughter.

please dont feel so awful, try and turn this negative into a positivr - you are not a domestic abuse family...you are a family who doesnt agree with physical aggression to deal with thing...you will support the other when they need a few minutes to collect themselves etc.

pay lots of attention to how you are feeling and if you get any strange pain, speak to your mw straight away....just say you fell on your bum (i would never advise lying if you were saying he regularly hits you etc its just in this situation you dont need any agencies getting involved).

xxxx


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## chulie

I really don't know what to say and no man should ever lay his hands on a woman but it sounds like a situation that just escalated way to quickly. The fact that he made a comment about you hitting your daughter...maybe he saw a frustration in you, you didn't see and he was genuinely trying to protect your daughter. I know YOU know you would never hurt her but maybe in his mind he didn't see that. I also think you hitting him is equally as wrong and you both need to make sure you have a few more conversations to make sure you both understand te escalation that got you where you were. You also need to remember what your daughter witnesses between the two of you and make sure that never happens again. It may have only been once but that has registered in your daughters mind and you two need to do lots of hugging and hand hiding to show your daughter how adults should react. Clearly as the man I am definitely saying he's a jerk but that won't help move things forward so my oppinion is to talk a lot and just make sure neither of you yell in front of her ever again....ever!!


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## SteffyRae

I honestly think that with your daughter screaming like that it worked on both your nerves and he being stressed knowing you were stressed really thought he was protecting his daughter with restraining you.. Now the pushing was seriously screwed up and I don't find a excuse for that because soon there will be another screaming baby and what happens when both your stress levels are 10 times worse than that.. You guys need to have a serious conversation (without the baby girl there) and figure out what happened.. Honestly mistakes are made in the heat of the moment but if this continues you need to leave. I'm not saying he is abusive but figure out whats going on.. abuse starts somewhere trust me I know first hand


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## Maze

Thank you for your responses, I think maybe trying to talk to a hotline might be a good idea. I just know if we brought it up with families or friends it would change the way they look at us forever. Everyone sees us as this perfect couple and amazing parents. It was like something out of the twilight zone last night.

I really don't think I was in the right for hitting him. I am so embarrassed about that, I don't hit people. Why would the first time I ever lay a hand on someone be my husband who I generally adore? It was like some sort of instinct came in and I just saw him as someone standing between me and my crying baby. It was like he wasn't even my husband anymore, just an obstacle. 

I am also so upset that our daughter had seen any of that. It is just not something we do, we're gentle people who live for our family. It feels like such a mess.


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## Sparkles237

In all honesty I think you were both in the wrong, I'm sorry if this is harsh but he didn't get into a physical fight with you, you actually provoke him into that reaction. you should never of hit him, he should never of pushed you and you shouldn't of kicked him. Don't lay all the blame on him you did play a big part of this too. I agree with another poster he may of seen something in you that made him think you'll lose your temper with your daughter so didn't want that too come too it and to be honest of much as you say you wouldn't of done so you just never known, the fact you lost your cool so quickly and easily with him it shows you possibly could of done. 

I think you both just need to calm down from it all and then talk but don't blame him for the whole thing your as much to blame women shouldn't lay their hands on a man as much as a man shouldn't on a women.

I personally see this as you were both tired, you snapped and he wanted you to calm down before you went too your child specially after what happened.


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## Maze

Sparkles237 said:


> In all honesty I think you were both in the wrong, I'm sorry if this is harsh but he didn't get into a physical fight with you, you actually provoke him into that reaction. you should never of hit him, he should never of pushed you and you shouldn't of kicked him. Don't lay all the blame on him you did play a big part of this too. I agree with another poster he may of seen something in you that made him think you'll lose your temper with your daughter so didn't want that too come too it and to be honest of much as you say you wouldn't of done so you just never known, the fact you lost your cool so quickly and easily with him it shows you possibly could of done.
> 
> I think you both just need to calm down from it all and then talk but don't blame him for the whole thing your as much to blame women should lay their hands on a man as much as a man shouldn't on a women.
> 
> I personally see this as you were both tired, you snapped and he wanted you to calm down before you went too your child specially after what happened.

I appreciate your honesty, and as I said I am not proud about hitting him. He did get physical with me first though, he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go and it was hurting. It wasn't an attack, but he still took it to a physical level first. If he had just stood in front of me, I don't think I would have hit him.

I also don't think it is fair to assume that I could be capable of hitting my children because I hit him. He is much taller and stronger than I am, he can be very intimidating to someone. I feel like the way I'd react to someone stronger and bigger than me who I am feeling threatened by and the way I'd react to a crying child would naturally be two very different things.


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## tubs

Haven't read all the replies. It's sounds to me that you both found yourselves in an extremely stressful situation that just got out of control. Both of you are to blame as you both lost your temper. Sounds like you have a loving relationship. Have a chat about it and just agree to never letting this happen again. Maybe come up with a plan for soothing your daughter when she's having a bad day.
I don't think it was right that ur husband pushed u but it seems like you started the physical thing. I'd say he scared himself looking back. 
Try not to stress about it. Sometimes it takes an incident like this to appreciate the loving relationship you usually have.


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## CelticNiamh

I am trying to say this without getting my ass thorn apart but he is not a monster just think about it for a minute!

You lost your patience which I completely understand esp. when you are sick and tired and a screaming child in the middle of the night; I can understand your frustration and mummy guilt for snapping. 

But he obviously was feeling bad and tired any may be annoyed at you for snapping as well, you then came down the stairs and started pushing him out of your way and YOU hit him, what made him want to stop you? You were both probably out of control and it does sound like it escalated very quickly and while he should not have pushed you, I do think it is a natural thing to do when someone is pushing you and has slapped you? Or when they are not acting as they normally do....

I guess my point is, you need to question your behaviour more than his, put yourself in his shoes what would you have done, I do not think he should carry all the blame here. 

In saying that, I do think you will be ok, and I am sorry for being so harsh and blunt and for probably going against the grain looking at it from his point of view and not the pregnant womans!!!! 

I do not believe in any one hitting or being abusive be it a man against a woman or the other way around.

It is good that you sat down and talked about it and keep talking! You will work it out and I say never let it happen again: flower:

ps please do not think, I think bad of either of you, because I can completely understand how it could happen and I guess it is more important to deal with it now and make sure it does not happen again :hugs:


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## Maze

Ok, I changed the title of the thread. My intention was never to put all the blame on my husband as if it were I never would have included the fact that I had hit him in the first place. 

Just to be clear though, I did not come down the stairs and slap him. I came down the stairs, he got into my face and grabbed my arms tightly. I don't know if any of you have been physically restrained out of nowhere by someone much stronger than you, but it can hurt and it can be scary and it is a physical act even if it isn't a punch or a shove. I tried to get him to let me go before I ever hit him, my hitting him was a response to him not letting me go. I didn't just hit him because I was mad at him, sure I was mad, but I would have been completely satisfied with telling him off verbally.


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## jjbump

Sparkles237 said:


> In all honesty I think you were both in the wrong, I'm sorry if this is harsh but he didn't get into a physical fight with you, you actually provoke him into that reaction. you should never of hit him, he should never of pushed you and you shouldn't of kicked him. Don't lay all the blame on him you did play a big part of this too. I agree with another poster he may of seen something in you that made him think you'll lose your temper with your daughter so didn't want that too come too it and to be honest of much as you say you wouldn't of done so you just never known, the fact you lost your cool so quickly and easily with him it shows you possibly could of done.
> 
> I think you both just need to calm down from it all and then talk but don't blame him for the whole thing your as much to blame women shouldn't lay their hands on a man as much as a man shouldn't on a women.
> 
> I personally see this as you were both tired, you snapped and he wanted you to calm down before you went too your child specially after what happened.

I agree with this. My parents were physically abusive to me when I was a child and I would NEVER hit my children OR any other adults, regardless of how angry I get (and I do get angry). Women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women. I'm only saying this because the title infers the OP did nothing, when it sounds like both sides were to blame. OP, I would talk to your OH and ask why he was restraining you. Did he have good reason to think you would hurt your child i.e. have you shown signs of becoming physical before? I don't wish to judge you at all, and I'm certainly not excusing his behaviour, but if someone lost it and started slapping/kicking me, it would worry me the next time they get angry.


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## Sparkles237

Maze said:


> I appreciate your honesty, and as I said I am not proud about hitting him. He did get physical with me first though, he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go and it was hurting. It wasn't an attack, but he still took it to a physical level first. If he had just stood in front of me, I don't think I would have hit him.
> 
> I also don't think it is fair to assume that I could be capable of hitting my children because I hit him. He is much taller and stronger than I am, he can be very intimidating to someone. I feel like the way I'd react to someone stronger and bigger than me who I am feeling threatened by and the way I'd react to a crying child would naturally be two very different things.

when your angry you don't realise how you come across at times, you could probably have stormed down the stairs making him think he needs to calm you.

my fiance restrained me one time when i got very angry and he didn't do it to be nasty or horrible he did it to calm me down, he didn't grab my arms hard but cos i was fighting against him it hurt a little and seemed like he was holding them hard but it wasn't intentally. I still wouldn't say what he did was getting physical, it's a mans way of calming someone down, by taking hold of the other persons arms and holding them still so they calm down.

i didn't say you would of hit your child at all, but anyone in the heat of the moment, when tired and angry are capable of anything, you prob knew yourself you wouldn't of done, but how you came across to your husband may of made him feel like you was at that moment capable so he tried to stop you and calm you before you went near her but in his mind he most likely thought you may of lost your temper with her, and it is so easily done.

i think the best thing to do is to just talk to each other and put this aside.


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## laila 44

I think u both need to take a step back from the situation. No one is really at fault but rather it can get blown out of sorts in a stressful situation. Your husband was wrong in that he never should have shoved you but I think it was more of a reaction as opposed to a direct action if u know what I mean...perhaps u can try and sort out the issues your dd is having bc this can put a strain on a couple....


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## Lizkikulwe

Sorry that u had to get to that extent. Good to know that u realized the mess, I suggest first write a letter expressing yo feelings about the incident and then request for a talk.
Donot involve a third party in this before it gets out of hand.

In yo conversation, try not to be defesive and accusing him to have caused everything as this may lead to reconsilation abortion.
Wish u all the best.

Xxxx


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## Mrsmac02

So sorry to hear you and OH have been having a tough time :hugs: 

IMO, and it truly is just my opinion, you were both in the wrong here. But reading through your posts, its clear you know that, and by the sounds of it, you both feel pretty bad about what happened. 

You cant take back what happened so just try to learn from it and move on. 

Again, just my opinion, but it sounds like your daughter's behaviour is putting a strain on you both.

I know shes only 19 months old but maybe your DH and yourself could do something manage your daughters behaviour differently which would put less of a strain on you both particularly when you're feeling so yucky? xx


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## rachy01

btw maze, props to you for changing the title of the thread  

xx


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## smokey

I think your both to blaim and as bad as each other.
Your hormones, stress and tirdness came to a head and you acted out of desperation but then hes facing a screaming struggling woman who he probably believed at the time posed a risk to his daughter and acted out of desperation.
Probably neither of you where thinking clearly but even if you dont realise it your original post is as though you are trying to justify what you did and how you behaved and that he was the hysterical one more to blaim then you.
He knows you better then anyone here and he saw somthing in you that was off at the time.

How have you both been with each other since?


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## Pielette

It seems very clear to me that you were both in the wrong, but actually I think you both reacted in the way you did out of love for your child. I'm not saying its right, but I think he genuinely thought you were extremely stressed and worried about how you would deal with your daughter, and you saw red because he was at that point an obstacle to you getting to her. And I'll be honest, if someone was preventing me getting to my son when he needed me I can guarantee I won't take that calmly. 

It really doesn't matter who started it, although I agree the grabbing of the arms and refusing to let you past is pretty much a red flag to a mother. What matters is that you were both physical with each other which is unacceptable. 

That being said, I think the reasons behind your reactions and the sequence of events suggests that there's no reason why you can't get past the situation given the right amount of communication. It may be that he does harbour genuine concerns about your childhood and it's effect on you as an adult - something you may refute but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it and put his mind at rest. This isn't domestic violence as far as I can tell and I would really urge you to talk as much as possible. Don't try and sweep it under the rug. If you need a professional to listen to you both and guide your conversations that's fine too and may be very helpful.


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## Maze

jjbump said:


> Sparkles237 said:
> 
> 
> In all honesty I think you were both in the wrong, I'm sorry if this is harsh but he didn't get into a physical fight with you, you actually provoke him into that reaction. you should never of hit him, he should never of pushed you and you shouldn't of kicked him. Don't lay all the blame on him you did play a big part of this too. I agree with another poster he may of seen something in you that made him think you'll lose your temper with your daughter so didn't want that too come too it and to be honest of much as you say you wouldn't of done so you just never known, the fact you lost your cool so quickly and easily with him it shows you possibly could of done.
> 
> I think you both just need to calm down from it all and then talk but don't blame him for the whole thing your as much to blame women shouldn't lay their hands on a man as much as a man shouldn't on a women.
> 
> I personally see this as you were both tired, you snapped and he wanted you to calm down before you went too your child specially after what happened.
> 
> I agree with this. My parents were physically abusive to me when I was a child and I would NEVER hit my children OR any other adults, regardless of how angry I get (and I do get angry). Women hitting men is just as bad as men hitting women. I'm only saying this because the title infers the OP did nothing, when it sounds like both sides were to blame. OP, I would talk to your OH and ask why he was restraining you. Did he have good reason to think you would hurt your child i.e. have you shown signs of becoming physical before? I don't wish to judge you at all, and I'm certainly not excusing his behaviour, but if someone lost it and started slapping/kicking me, it would worry me the next time they get angry.Click to expand...

I had already changed the title of the thread before you posted this (I am sure you didn't see that though.) It was never my intention to place it all on him. 

I still stand my ground that he was physical with me first. Him grabbing me came out of nowhere, I didn't want to have my arms grabbed and held like that, I didn't see it coming and wanted him to let me go. When he wouldn't let me go despite my trying to pull away, that is when I started getting freaked out and that is when I slapped him. I still wish I hadn't slapped him at all, I feel horrible about it, but it wasn't completely unprovoked. I understand now that he probably wasn't trying to hurt me by grabbing me, but at the time during the moment it is really hard to see things from all sides. Grabbing someone isn't OK either, and while it can be done to prevent whatever, you can never tell how someone is going to react to being grabbed like that... and not letting them go when they make it clear they want to be let go, that can be threatening. It wasn't like restraining someone in a bar fight. We were alone in our own home and I just wanted to help our daughter. He also didn't say "Just calm down" or anything like that to me while holding me, his grip just kept getting tighter and mad. 

I have never ever shown signs of hitting anyone. I have never hit anyone before. He knows I was hit growing up, so unless he felt because of that it was just a matter of time before I hit our kids, I don't know. Not a fair assumption, but I suppose it can happen. I was hit by my parents until I was 23. It's only been five years since I was last hit, and even when they hit me, even as an adult... I never ever hit them back. I just took it. 

Now, during our conversation I told him I felt like, in a way he paid the price for what my parents did to me. That when he was grabbing me maybe I reacted more strongly because of what happened. Everyone reaches a breaking point, and I was hit so much growing up that I was determined not to become a victim in my marriage as well. I made it clear from day one that he was never to hit me or our kids, that I wouldn't take it. He knew that as soon as he started dating me.


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## jellybean83

Im not quite sure in what your looking for in this thread when most posters have said you were both in the wrong and mayby to talk it through some more,But you keep re itterating what happened and that he restrained you first,You both acted badly and for the sake of your kids need to have a plan in place to recognise the danger signs of you both losing your heads before you do,I saw my dad hit my mom on a regular basis but i refuse to allow it to be a touching point in my marriage.

Hope you get it sorted.


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## Maze

Pielette said:


> It seems very clear to me that you were both in the wrong, but actually I think you both reacted in the way you did out of love for your child. I'm not saying its right, but I think he genuinely thought you were extremely stressed and worried about how you would deal with your daughter, and you saw red because he was at that point an obstacle to you getting to her. And I'll be honest, if someone was preventing me getting to my son when he needed me I can guarantee I won't take that calmly.
> 
> It really doesn't matter who started it, although I agree the grabbing of the arms and refusing to let you past is pretty much a red flag to a mother. What matters is that you were both physical with each other which is unacceptable.
> 
> That being said, I think the reasons behind your reactions and the sequence of events suggests that there's no reason why you can't get past the situation given the right amount of communication. It may be that he does harbour genuine concerns about your childhood and it's effect on you as an adult - something you may refute but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it and put his mind at rest. This isn't domestic violence as far as I can tell and I would really urge you to talk as much as possible. Don't try and sweep it under the rug. If you need a professional to listen to you both and guide your conversations that's fine too and may be very helpful.


Thank you so much for your response. My husband and I came to a similar conclusion, that in some obscure way we were both just trying to protect our daughter. That it was all out of love and not just anger... but this morning I was worried that maybe we were just trying to sugar coat things. I was worried that no one else would see it that way. So your post brought a lot of comfort to me and I appreciate that. :hugs:


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## jellybean83

Just to add i didnt want the first bit in that post to sound harsh it wasnt intended that way,

Its strainge how the heat of the moment can boil over so fast and that you both thinking you were protecting your daughter resulted in what it did,Hope you can both talk it through x x


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## Maze

jellybean83 said:


> Im not quite sure in what your looking for in this thread when most posters have said you were both in the wrong and mayby to talk it through some more,But you keep re itterating what happened and that he restrained you first,You both acted badly and for the sake of your kids need to have a plan in place to recognise the danger signs of you both losing your heads before you do,I saw my dad hit my mom on a regular basis but i refuse to allow it to be a touching point in my marriage.
> 
> Hope you get it sorted.

I was looking to talk through the issue with someone other than my husband of course. In a way that wouldn't have a backlash on our family and friends. I know I have said several times that he was physical first, but that is only because I guess I was caught off guard by some of the things people had to say. I was surprised that a few people didn't view him grabbing me and not letting me go as being physical. I suppose in a way it turned into me trying to defend myself, not defend my slapping him, but defending the way it actually escalated. At least from my point of view. I didn't want people to think I slapped him out of anger, despite that I was angry. I was also overwhelmed, scared and confused and feeling threatened. 

I have gotten some really helpful and comforting insights though, so I am glad I asked for advice.


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## kimmym

Maze said:


> Thank you for your responses, I think maybe trying to talk to a hotline might be a good idea. I just know if we brought it up with families or friends it would change the way they look at us forever. Everyone sees us as this perfect couple and amazing parents. It was like something out of the twilight zone last night.
> 
> I really don't think I was in the right for hitting him. I am so embarrassed about that, I don't hit people. Why would the first time I ever lay a hand on someone be my husband who I generally adore? It was like some sort of instinct came in and I just saw him as someone standing between me and my crying baby. It was like he wasn't even my husband anymore, just an obstacle.
> 
> I am also so upset that our daughter had seen any of that. It is just not something we do, we're gentle people who live for our family. It feels like such a mess.

THIS right here describes my life for the past couple months.i can only assume its hormones as id never wish to inflict pain on the one person i love more then anything.but lately he brings a lot of violent reactions out of me.it scares me as i too am never physical and it feels like im not even myself.for the most part ive been able to just walk away and calm down but had a child been involved as well id have reacted the same.

As for his reaction,i'm honestly surprised my OH hasnt done the same,and if he had i wouldnt blame him.its all about control and patience.and lately ive lacked a lot in both departments.my OH is extremely patient and has enough for the both of us apparantly.and it sounds like yours really didnt mean to and hadnt thought it through (as most of the time violent actions arent usually thought through).
i hope you two work it out and can get pass it. 
<3


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## surprisedmama

Maze said:


> jellybean83 said:
> 
> 
> Im not quite sure in what your looking for in this thread when most posters have said you were both in the wrong and mayby to talk it through some more,But you keep re itterating what happened and that he restrained you first,You both acted badly and for the sake of your kids need to have a plan in place to recognise the danger signs of you both losing your heads before you do,I saw my dad hit my mom on a regular basis but i refuse to allow it to be a touching point in my marriage.
> 
> Hope you get it sorted.
> 
> I was looking to talk through the issue with someone other than my husband of course. In a way that wouldn't have a backlash on our family and friends. I know I have said several times that he was physical first, but that is only because I guess I was caught off guard by some of the things people had to say. I was surprised that a few people didn't view him grabbing me and not letting me go as being physical. I suppose in a way it turned into me trying to defend myself, not defend my slapping him, but defending the way it actually escalated. At least from my point of view. I didn't want people to think I slapped him out of anger, despite that I was angry. I was also overwhelmed, scared and confused and feeling threatened.
> 
> I have gotten some really helpful and comforting insights though, so I am glad I asked for advice.Click to expand...

Whether it be on here or with someone else, I really think you need to continue talking. Continue talking to your husband and find a professional whether it be on the telephone or in person. Yes, it may be going overboard for one incident, but I think you need an unbiased person. We're pregnant here, so a bit biased.


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## WannaBtheMum

It sounds like you are both very stressed at the moment, and although that's no excuse for things escalating that way, I think it's important that you were both able to acknowledge your fault in this situation. I think counselling is a great idea because there is obviously something underlying that led to this eruption, even if that is just exhaustion! Talking with a mediator will help you both air your stresses and help you communicate more with each other. I hope you are able to work this out together and get back to enjoying your pregnancy. 
P.s is there anyone who would have your daughter for a sleep over so that you could have a little time together, without having to tell them any of the recent events?

Good luck


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## jjbump

Maze said:


> I was looking to talk through the issue with someone other than my husband of course. In a way that wouldn't have a backlash on our family and friends. I know I have said several times that he was physical first, but that is only because I guess I was caught off guard by some of the things people had to say. I was surprised that a few people didn't view him grabbing me and not letting me go as being physical. I suppose in a way it turned into me trying to defend myself, not defend my slapping him, but defending the way it actually escalated. At least from my point of view. I didn't want people to think I slapped him out of anger, despite that I was angry. I was also overwhelmed, scared and confused and feeling threatened.
> 
> I have gotten some really helpful and comforting insights though, so I am glad I asked for advice.

Maze, I am sorry to hear your parents were physical towards you for so long! Usually people who have been abused like this as a child find it hard to break that cycle with their own kids, but it sounds like you've worked hard to ensure this doesn't happen and the fight with your husband was a one off. 

Like the others have said, it's worth both talking about the triggers so you are aware what to do if this happens again i.e. if your OH sees you getting wound up, you go into another room while he takes care of your toddler. It's easier said that done, believe me especially with a toddler who is trying your patience in the middle of the night!

It's really sounds like a combination of a lot things that came to a head, so I wouldn't worry too much about it apart from agreeing with each other the roles you played in how it escalated.

Best of luck.


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## Pielette

Maze said:


> Pielette said:
> 
> 
> It seems very clear to me that you were both in the wrong, but actually I think you both reacted in the way you did out of love for your child. I'm not saying its right, but I think he genuinely thought you were extremely stressed and worried about how you would deal with your daughter, and you saw red because he was at that point an obstacle to you getting to her. And I'll be honest, if someone was preventing me getting to my son when he needed me I can guarantee I won't take that calmly.
> 
> It really doesn't matter who started it, although I agree the grabbing of the arms and refusing to let you past is pretty much a red flag to a mother. What matters is that you were both physical with each other which is unacceptable.
> 
> That being said, I think the reasons behind your reactions and the sequence of events suggests that there's no reason why you can't get past the situation given the right amount of communication. It may be that he does harbour genuine concerns about your childhood and it's effect on you as an adult - something you may refute but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it and put his mind at rest. This isn't domestic violence as far as I can tell and I would really urge you to talk as much as possible. Don't try and sweep it under the rug. If you need a professional to listen to you both and guide your conversations that's fine too and may be very helpful.
> 
> 
> Thank you so much for your response. My husband and I came to a similar conclusion, that in some obscure way we were both just trying to protect our daughter. That it was all out of love and not just anger... but this morning I was worried that maybe we were just trying to sugar coat things. I was worried that no one else would see it that way. So your post brought a lot of comfort to me and I appreciate that. :hugs:Click to expand...

I really do think you're right, it seems to have stemmed from wanting to protect your daughter. I think his reaction though may indicate that he's perhaps a little concerned about the effect your childhood has had on you, even if he didn't realise he had worries about it.

So a bit of counselling might help to get things out in the open, plus like WannaBtheMum has said, a bit of time alone to spend just being a couple would be a great idea if you have someone who can look after your children :flower:

As long as you can apologise to each other and talk about why you both reacted the way you did, and how you could avoid it in the future. You'll be ok as long as you can be open and honest :thumbup:


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## CelticNiamh

Maze said:


> jellybean83 said:
> 
> 
> Im not quite sure in what your looking for in this thread when most posters have said you were both in the wrong and mayby to talk it through some more,But you keep re itterating what happened and that he restrained you first,You both acted badly and for the sake of your kids need to have a plan in place to recognise the danger signs of you both losing your heads before you do,I saw my dad hit my mom on a regular basis but i refuse to allow it to be a touching point in my marriage.
> 
> Hope you get it sorted.
> 
> I was looking to talk through the issue with someone other than my husband of course. In a way that wouldn't have a backlash on our family and friends. I know I have said several times that he was physical first, but that is only because I guess I was caught off guard by some of the things people had to say. I was surprised that a few people didn't view him grabbing me and not letting me go as being physical. I suppose in a way it turned into me trying to defend myself, not defend my slapping him, but defending the way it actually escalated. At least from my point of view. I didn't want people to think I slapped him out of anger, despite that I was angry. I was also overwhelmed, scared and confused and feeling threatened.
> 
> I have gotten some really helpful and comforting insights though, so I am glad I asked for advice.Click to expand...

I think hormones had a lot to play in it as well, we are so not our selfs when pregnant: dohh: he held you back (did you ask him why he did so you understand better I am sure you have :)) your reaction to it was to hit him! Which is a pretty strong reaction, I am telling you hormones, dam things, tiredness and stress and being caught off guard have a lot to answer for.

May be you actually need to speak to someone about what happed in your past as a child because it provoked such a strong reaction in you as well, just a thought! I know you are feeling horrible about it: flower:. I am also glad you got some help from posting; youre very brave to do so! :thumbup:


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## bumski

i hope both you and oh are ok now, it does sound like you both have your heads screwed on and lets be honest we all make mistakes one way or another at some point in life, it does sound like you both regret it and have realised what you have done, that being said , sont beat yourself up over it, if it never happens again then no harm done you may just help each other out a little more in stressful situations.
you are brave posting as some people are way to judgemental when they have never been in the same situation as you. iv been in a violent relationship before and my ex used to restrain me (so he called it) to start with so i know how powerless this can make you feel and when there is a child involved you focus on them and find strength and anger that you may not always want to. im not by any means saying your oh is violent to you i just think it was a mistake that can be moved on from if you both understand the impact it had on each other.
I understand where your anger may have come from and do not judge your reaction as your human and obviously made a mistake which you have openly admitted to. Good luck to you both, i agree maybe a good talk and date night to get you both back on track x


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## DLA

I'm so sorry this happen. Yes obviously as you know, you both have some blame in this. I think the key will be working on the trust both ways and be as open and honest with each other. I swear communication almost always helps marital issues, regardless of what they are about. 

On a different note... I've never ever been violent of hit anyone in my life but if someone was keeping me or restraining me from my child, I'm pretty sure it would be natural for me to start swinging. Not saying it's necessarily right but if I felt my child needed me, nothing or no one would stand in my way. So I can be sympathetic to how this could escalate to what it did.


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## chulie

....and just so you don't feel like you live in some world where this only happened to you. After reading this I was reflecting on my times with my daughter and I do remember one time, I was so sleep deprived and my daughter was crying and crying......my husband was holding her and I was SO pissed. Pissed HONESTLY because he couldn't calm her..pissed because I was soo sleep deprived. Tired, sad and I felt like everything was on my shoulders! I stormed upstairs and yelled at him to give her to me and he quickly spun his back to me and said "no way, I can see your not in the right frame of mind. Go away, take a deep breath and then I will give her to you". I ran off crying but he was right. I was in no state to hold my daughter. I took a deep breath and went back and he gave her to me and I was calm. So..it happens. To ALL of us. If I hadn't walked away or he hadn't worded it so well..that could have gotten worse...and my hubby and I are also one of those couples say are "perfect". It happens. Your not a bad person or a bad mom. He's not a bad husband or dad. Take a deep breath. Hug it out and move forward. And remember to hug every day so your daughter sees hands are for hugging only ;) haha


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## annio84

I've been thinking about this while reading through the posts. When I was a child my mother was very abusive to me, I used to get hit a lot. My dad never hit me but he also never stepped in to intervene. Sometimes I wonder if he knew what was happening because I like to think I have at least one decent parent and maybe he was oblivious, but there were times when she would lose it in front of him and he never stepped in - the official line was that I was a difficult child.

For me, I know I would never behave like that to my child but I still worry about it and I would hope that if my hubby ever felt i was on the verge of losing it - even if he were wrong - that he would step in and do whatever he had to to protect our child. Because as much as I love my dad, if he had the slightest idea what was going on and did nothing, then I effectively had two abusive parents and no one to stand up for me.


I don't want this to sound judgy or as though I'm saying you were wrong and he was right but you don't need anyone else to tell you why you hit out (and incidentally, having been treated like that as a child I would panic and start hitting too in that situation) but you need to try and think about what your hubby was thinking (and I'm only speculating) but if you think about his point of view and then try talking again you might find it easier to sort out what happened and how to avoid it happening again. I know you have talked and I don't suggest dwelling on it but you don't sound like you've found resolution. Ask him why he tried to restrain you and tell him what you would prefer if he ever feels that way in future - eg you'd rather if he calmy asked you to calm down first or whatever you think would work.


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## Maze

Thanks everyone. I talked to him today on the phone on his lunch for a bit. I told him I posted about what happened on my forum and read a couple of things a few people had to say, he is supportive of the fact that I wrote out what I was feeling and I told him I'd let him read what I wrote when he gets home.

I feel like some part of him is worried that this is 'the beginning of the end' for us and that I am not going to be able to get beyond this incident. I really do love him and don't have one foot out the door, but he knows we need to talk about how everything was ultimately handled, by both of us.


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## THart

First I want to say that I think you are incredibly brave for posting this, this place is filled with us women who are extremely judgemental (even when we try not to be). Simply kudo's for seeking help among such a high strung hormonal place.

I also want to say that I'm sorry the situation escalated the way it did. I think that you are both very rational people and that this is the first time such a thing has happened for you, making it harder to recover/cope with.

I don't think issue is of who got physical first, becuase I both think you reacted for the same reasons - the protection of you daughter. If you kept trying to get by he probably reacted instinctively to keep you in place because he knew how upset you were, and of course you were on a mission to comfort your daughter and the restraining wouldn't have made sense to you like it did to him.

I do not like physical violence in any shape, and I fully believe that you do not either. But yes, I have slapped someone before (not my OH, but still...) and I can say I'm not proud of it either.

Talking it out with each other is a very good step, and perhaps talk about boundaries incase you evry reach stress levels or a situation like this again. I think he needs to talk to a third party as well, and that after you should find a third party to talk to together. (maybe its over kill, but I think I would prefer that to anything else).

The hardest part of this I think is your daughter having viewed it. I've read that your parents hit you, so you do understand the impact of a child witnessing/experience violence, and I think this would be your biggest motivator to ensuring it doesn't happen again.


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## jjbump

annio84 said:


> I've been thinking about this while reading through the posts. When I was a child my mother was very abusive to me, I used to get hit a lot. My dad never hit me but he also never stepped in to intervene. Sometimes I wonder if he knew what was happening because I like to think I have at least one decent parent and maybe he was oblivious, but there were times when she would lose it in front of him and he never stepped in - the official line was that I was a difficult child.
> 
> For me, I know I would never behave like that to my child but I still worry about it and I would hope that if my hubby ever felt i was on the verge of losing it - even if he were wrong - that he would step in and do whatever he had to to protect our child. Because as much as I love my dad, if he had the slightest idea what was going on and did nothing, then I effectively had two abusive parents and no one to stand up for me.
> 
> 
> I don't want this to sound judgy or as though I'm saying you were wrong and he was right but you don't need anyone else to tell you why you hit out (and incidentally, having been treated like that as a child I would panic and start hitting too in that situation) but you need to try and think about what your hubby was thinking (and I'm only speculating) but if you think about his point of view and then try talking again you might find it easier to sort out what happened and how to avoid it happening again. I know you have talked and I don't suggest dwelling on it but you don't sound like you've found resolution. Ask him why he tried to restrain you and tell him what you would prefer if he ever feels that way in future - eg you'd rather if he calmy asked you to calm down first or whatever you think would work.

It's so sad, Annio84 - this could have been written by me. Relatives knew about my abusive mother, but no one ever stepped in to help. 

I can't speak for Maze, but I would guess the whole episode has drawn difficult memories from the past.

Maze, I've just read your last post. I really don't think it's the beginning of the end. You've both gone through a difficult time and it just means working through it. Don't give yourself a hard time about it all, these things happen and you'll get through it.


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## JenzyKY

I think it's crazy that people think the slap is the first physical part of this altercation. If I was held down to the point of pain from my child I would do anything to get out. That is instinct. To hold down an abused person would be purely terrifying. We teach people in my NICU to walk away when the baby gets to be too much. OP did this. 

That push is simply scary. He could've killed you and the baby. It raises many red flags. Please get outside help for the both of you. 

There's something underlying here.


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## exoticsiren

I think no matter what no guy should hit a woman! Pregnant or not! Ive dealt w abuse an its not good at all especially when children are around... If it happens again id leave... U both need to talk w someone an help prevent it in the future..gl hun


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## babyhopes2010

thats frightening that that sort of thing can just happen.

ur DD had probably worked u both up. u may be acting different and its got ur DH worried.

now i dont think its ever right to hit a women but you sound awful the way you acted
u both need to sort this out soon, this kind of behavior can escalate. and where 2 people wouldnt normal be violent this incident could be the start of more.

p.s u sound v mature in how u are now dealing with the situation now.
im sure u can work through this.


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## Nicolalove353

I wanted to cry when I read this. I can't imagine how you felt when he pushed you. You did the right thing asking him to take your daughter away from you when you felt out of control. I think both of you are in the wrong here but it sounds like you both are handling it well. I would seek outside help though in case a similar situation happens again. Especially since you will have your daughter and the baby. It is really scary that he pushed you down. I'm sure he didn't realize his own strength ( at least i hope he didn't) but it really could have hurt you and the baby. 

With the hitting part, I did the same thing to my baby's dad. We have been fighting so much and we were in the car and he would not drop the argument. He kept pushing and pushing. I felt out of control and I punched him in his leg. I shocked myself, I have never even thought about hitting someone. I know it was my hormones raging because I felt like I was losing it. 

I hope you guys can work through this.


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## lewood88

Maze said:


> Pielette said:
> 
> 
> It seems very clear to me that you were both in the wrong, but actually I think you both reacted in the way you did out of love for your child. I'm not saying its right, but I think he genuinely thought you were extremely stressed and worried about how you would deal with your daughter, and you saw red because he was at that point an obstacle to you getting to her. And I'll be honest, if someone was preventing me getting to my son when he needed me I can guarantee I won't take that calmly.
> 
> It really doesn't matter who started it, although I agree the grabbing of the arms and refusing to let you past is pretty much a red flag to a mother. What matters is that you were both physical with each other which is unacceptable.
> 
> That being said, I think the reasons behind your reactions and the sequence of events suggests that there's no reason why you can't get past the situation given the right amount of communication. It may be that he does harbour genuine concerns about your childhood and it's effect on you as an adult - something you may refute but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it and put his mind at rest. This isn't domestic violence as far as I can tell and I would really urge you to talk as much as possible. Don't try and sweep it under the rug. If you need a professional to listen to you both and guide your conversations that's fine too and may be very helpful.
> 
> 
> Thank you so much for your response. My husband and I came to a similar conclusion, that in some obscure way we were both just trying to protect our daughter. That it was all out of love and not just anger... but this morning I was worried that maybe we were just trying to sugar coat things. I was worried that no one else would see it that way. So your post brought a lot of comfort to me and I appreciate that. :hugs:Click to expand...

i agree with this one all the others was ganging up on you which tbf isnt fair at all and shame on them, hun ive been there your not alone just ppl like to think that being a mother is all roses and rainbows and tbh its flipping hard at times your husband was so in the wrong for gripping you i would have reacted the same and NO it doesnt mean your a bad person for doing so!!

i hope everything is sorted and as i quoted before you aint alone :hugs:


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## runnergrl

I just want to hug you because I could see this happening easily between my husband and myself. Let me back that up by saying he has never ever been physical with me, but we have gotten into some pretty nasty fights and his words (and mine) have wounded very deeply. We have gotten through it and forgiven, but when it comes down to our child, I dont think there is anything either of us wouldnt do. Even if it meant protecting him from each other if we actually thought the other could potentially do harm. 

What hit me the hardest in your original post, was your husband's verbal response to you when you asked him to bring her back up.. saying "why, so you can just hit her?" I really think he honestly thought you might have reached that breaking point and he was just trying to protect her from you. (sorry if that sounds harsh) and then your response to him when he was holding you back from her was you reacting in a way that was intended to comfort and protect her..no matter what was in your way.

I dont think blame should be placed on either one of you.. you are human. both of you. and you both reacted with your child's best interests at heart. You reactions, while scary, were both justified in my opinion. Right? no, but justified. Don't beat yourself up :hugs:


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## ashleyy0

runnergrl said:


> I just want to hug you because I could see this happening easily between my husband and myself. Let me back that up by saying he has never ever been physical with me, but we have gotten into some pretty nasty fights and his words (and mine) have wounded very deeply. We have gotten through it and forgiven, but when it comes down to our child, I dont think there is anything either of us wouldnt do. Even if it meant protecting him from each other if we actually thought the other could potentially do harm.
> 
> What hit me the hardest in your original post, was your husband's verbal response to you when you asked him to bring her back up.. saying "why, so you can just hit her?" I really think he honestly thought you might have reached that breaking point and he was just trying to protect her from you. (sorry if that sounds harsh) and then your response to him when he was holding you back from her was you reacting in a way that was intended to comfort and protect her..no matter what was in your way.
> 
> I dont think blame should be placed on either one of you.. you are human. both of you. and you both reacted with your child's best interests at heart. You reactions, while scary, were both justified in my opinion. Right? no, but justified. Don't beat yourself up :hugs:

This!!! 110% Agree:thumbup:


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## craftymama

I grew up with alcoholic parents. My dad loves my mom so much he'd give up anything for her, do anything for her, and go along with anything she wanted him to just to keep her. And he made it very clear most of our lives that SHE was his everything. I no longer speak to either of them. My mom used to keep a 2x4 as a spanking stick, and I can tell you she had to replace it a few times from breaking it on us. As we got older she used her hands a lot more and the final straw for me was the night she punched me in the face. I ran away that night, and made it clear I was never again going to be hit. That I would do what it took to make sure the world knew what she was. I've always known in my heart that the way she treated us was not the way a mother should treat her children. That being said, even though I grew up knowing it was wrong, knowing that I would never hit my children, I can tell you I feel the anger in me that I know was in her. There are times I look back and realize I was so mad I COULD have hit my kids. I am always aware that possibility is there. I am always vigil. And I do my best to walk away when I feel that anger escalating. I yell. I hate that I yell. I've had times where I sat in a dark room and bawled because I yelled at my kids and "sounded like mom". She is the one thing I have always said I wouldn't be, and somehow our children can bring out the monster we don't want to be. The fact is, the possibility is always there. You grew up in a home where hitting was the way things were done, and you need to be aware that regardless of what you THINK you will do, you are always going to be at risk for losing that patience. I am terrified to become like my mother, and it's the one thing that backs me off. But I count on having my husband there to take over when I am just reaching that breaking point. You can't help how you grew up. But you can help how your kids grow up. And your OH is an integral part of that. I agree with others in that he may have seen in you something he hasn't before this situation. And he reacted. And in turn, you learned that you CAN hit someone. I am so sorry that you and your OH had to go through this, abuse is a scary thing. Especially for a person who has been down that road before. Just don't let it get that far again.


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## amandad192

I think alot of people have really over reacted to this tbh.
I've had a lot of times where I've turned away from the kids and shouted something like "shut up" or "go away" I WAS NOT abused as a child but we were smacked and I know I will NEVER smack my kids. Shouting and getting my OH to take the kids for 5 minutes while I calm down always helps. I take a few minutes pull myself together then I'm ready to be calm and help my LOs calm down.

I think you need to explain this to your OH, that sometimes you might stress too much and shout but that you would never hit her. That way next time you need him to take her for a few minutes while you calm he'll understand that you won't come back to her until you feel ready.

I think you both need to sit down and have a quick chat about how you were feeling at the time so that you can understand each other, then sweep it away and never mention it again unless things ever become violent again, which I honestly don't think will ever be an issue for you.

I don't think either of you need councilling over this because that will just be making a mountain out a mole hill.
big :hugs: I'm sure your relationship will be just fine after a little chat x


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## iluvmyfamily

People saying you reacted in a bad way..I don't agree with them. I say this because I've been in your situation before. Times have been hard, both DH and I would be arguing and there were times I wanted to leave the house and he'd hold me by my wrists and not let me go. I felt restricted and did swing at him. He then let me go. We talked about it afterward and everything was talked about. I don't think your husband is a bad person, I don't think you're a bad person either. I do believe that your husband said "why, so you can hit her?"...to be a smartass though. All you said was "take her", you didn't say anything threatening. I've lost my cool before with my kids to the point I told DH "take him/her before I lose it". It doesn't mean I'm seriously gonna hurt my kid, it just means I'm human and it's OKAY to feel as if you're losing patience and you just need to run away from the kid and the situation at the moment. NOTHING wrong with that. It's better than staying and doing something you couldn't control!! I think things just got heated pretty fast with you and him. And of course the baby crying nonstop really got to you. You're pregnant, you're trying to calm down the baby, and your husband doesn't understand that your hormones are going nuts right now, he isn't gonna get that. He shouldn't pass judgment on your actions. He shouldn't hold you by the wrists no matter what honestly. All you were trying to do was go to your daughter.


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## Maze

I just wanted to thank everyone who replied since my last post. I read every response and appreciated them. I just didn't feel like posting again right away because the whole thing was weighing quite heavily on me and I didn't even want to think about it anymore. 

Things have been going much better for my husband and I, we did have one argument where he started pointing at me with his hand right in my face. I asked him to back up and he didn't listen. That was pretty upsetting, but afterward I told him that he couldn't be doing that. It was intimidation and when I asked him to stop or step back he should have respected that, he agreed. During the argument I didn't retaliate physically and despite how aggravating his finger in my face was, he didn't touch me.

I told him if anything like that happened again we'd have to talk to someone about our problems, he agreed. I told him that someone would likely be his mother (she is a counselor.) It's been over a week since and we are obviously working much harder to pick up on our emotional limitations. We both know if anything that is even remotely out of line occurs from now on that we will need outside help.

Thanks again for all your support and advice. :hugs:


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## CelticNiamh

Maze said:


> I just wanted to thank everyone who replied since my last post. I read every response and appreciated them. I just didn't feel like posting again right away because the whole thing was weighing quite heavily on me and I didn't even want to think about it anymore.
> 
> Things have been going much better for my husband and I, we did have one argument where he started pointing at me with his hand right in my face. I asked him to back up and he didn't listen. That was pretty upsetting, but afterward I told him that he couldn't be doing that. It was intimidation and when I asked him to stop or step back he should have respected that, he agreed. During the argument I didn't retaliate physically and despite how aggravating his finger in my face was, he didn't touch me.
> 
> I told him if anything like that happened again we'd have to talk to someone about our problems, he agreed. I told him that someone would likely be his mother (she is a counselor.) It's been over a week since and we are obviously working much harder to pick up on our emotional limitations. We both know if anything that is even remotely out of line occurs from now on that we will need outside help.
> 
> Thanks again for all your support and advice. :hugs:

Good luck :hugs: I am sure you will be fine though :flower:


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