# Close this please, i dont know how to request it otherwise i would!



## Momma.Bear

With your toddler? What would you do?
My 8 year old stepson this afternoon encouraged my 19 month old to touch him near his penis.
I snapped & dont want him near her ever again.
What would you do? How would you handle it?

As the whole story is not listed here, I shall list everything so that you can all get a grasp of the entire thing..

My stepson is 8.
He is on antidepressants due to his behaviour. He has been in a Mental Health Facility 3 times in the past year.
He has attacked adults and other children, leading to the hospitalization.
I have tried to help him any way I could, and also urged my OH to do the same.
He is at my home everyother weekend Friday to Sunday & it is impossible to watch him the ENTIRE time he is in my home, around my LO.
I am not banning the child from seeing his father, only from entering my home and being near my LO as I now fear for her safety.
I understand that he is only 8 and still a young child, but my LO takes priority and this is HER home and HER safe place and if i feel that her safety is in jeoprady, I will put a stop to it.


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## feeble

My goodness... That is very worrying... I would speak to both parents and seek some professional help... Under no circumstance leave him alone with either child, does he stay the night at your house?


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## Momma.Bear

feeble said:


> My goodness... That is very worrying... I would speak to both parents and seek some professional help... Under no circumstance leave him alone with either child, does he stay the night at your house?

Ive spoken to his father (my otherhalf) and i told him to speak to his Mother as well.
He does stay here, friday and saturday night every other weekend. But, as of now, hes no longer welcome here.


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## jen1604

Firstly,I know you're worried but I don't think its fair to say he's no longer welcome in your house. He's your OH's son. And he's 8. Anything that may be going on with him is not because he is a bad person or any of that,he's too small for all that,he's EIGHT. By all means yes keep a very close eye on him at all times but if there is something going on with him the last thing he needs is to be shut out by his dad and stepmum.

But I think you're definitely right in trying to get to the bottom of all of it,find out where he has learnt that behaviour from. Its very worrying,I would be worrying about him. 

If it was me I would be speaking to his mum myself if thats possible and his teachers/any other adults that are around him. And getting his dad to have a good talk with him about why we don't encourage people to touch us there,where has he learnt that,has anyone else done that/tried to do that to him etc. 

I hope you find out where this has come from.


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## Kitten-B

I would be absolutely appalled too but I wouldn't think it's anything sinister. My 5 year old stepson is a lot inappropriate when it comes to his boy bits and DH and I have spoken about it quite a bit (he thinks it's funny - i find it generally inappropriate and in need of some words). 

In the bath with my LO last summer (their one and only bath together I might add) he pointed out LO's "winky" and how small it was and tried to grab it. Was not impressed and he was told off but I think some boys at the sort of 5-10 age have a weird curiosity re their bits. I can only imagine that curiosity may be increased if they just live with their mums and see their Dad's less?

I think your Stepson needs a serious talking to from his Dad and has to understand he is never to do anything g like that again. But unless there's more to it I'd put it down to little boys and an obsession with their bits.


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## Miss_Bump

Hmm this is a tough one.

Does he know that it was innaporpriate? What was his reason to ask your LO to do that?

Kids do odd things and he just might not have known it was wrong, i dont know maybe im way off the mark here?


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## feeble

I would be more taking precautions, but be aware of overreacting, the fact is that this boy is your husbands son and he has to be able to come round... I think anything that is overreactionary at this point may well have the opposite reaction and cause long standing and very worrying damage to this child. 

He is eight, it could be innocent child's play, it really depends on the circumstances, I would recommend counciling for the boy and maybe family counciling? 

But don't over react, he is eight, he may have no idea how 'naughty' it is...


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## honey08

:shock:


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## sunshine114

I have to say, personally from my experience as a primary school teacher, 8 is plenty old enough to know that it is not appropriate, so yes, he is young, and yes, he is a child, but he is old enough to know you don't do that. Personally my gut response is to worry about what he has been exposed to, and I absolutely think you should speak to his mother but also to his school. And no, I wouldnt leave him alone with my child, certainly not until more is known about the situation.


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## Momma.Bear

jen1604 said:


> Firstly,I know you're worried but I don't think its fair to say he's no longer welcome in your house. He's your OH's son. And he's 8. Anything that may be going on with him is not because he is a bad person or any of that,he's too small for all that,he's EIGHT. By all means yes keep a very close eye on him at all times but if there is something going on with him the last thing he needs is to be shut out by his dad and stepmum.
> 
> But I think you're definitely right in trying to get to the bottom of all of it,find out where he has learnt that behaviour from. Its very worrying,I would be worrying about him.
> 
> If it was me I would be speaking to his mum myself if thats possible and his teachers/any other adults that are around him. And getting his dad to have a good talk with him about why we don't encourage people to touch us there,where has he learnt that,has anyone else done that/tried to do that to him etc.
> 
> I hope you find out where this has come from.

It's not just this behaviour that is leading to him not being welcome. There are a lot of other aspects, that i was able to tolerate, but this is where i draw the line.
I cant speak to his mother, as she despise's me and won't listen. As for other adults/teachers, that would be up to my OH, but as his son lives an hour (or so) from us, and my OH works fulltime and its incredibly hard for him to get time off, he is unable to do so.


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## Momma.Bear

He absolutely knows it was inappropriate as when my OH questioned him about it (i witnessed it) he lied and said he didn't do anything.
Last evening he shoved my LO and she fell and started crying & again he said "i didn't do anything". He also shoved our puppy for no reason at all.
I am uncomfortable with having him near my daughter, therefore, he will not be coming to my home.


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## Momma.Bear

I might add as well, he does not have an obsession with genitalia, quite the opposite. He won't let his grandmother in the washroom during a bath as "she might see my weiner".
So he has boundaries for his grandmother, who used to bath him, in seeing his genitalia but wants my daughter to touch it?
Nothing of that is 'innocent'


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## honey08

i wudnt let him near my child again :nope:

xx


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## lepaskilf

From reading all of your posts I would not want that child anywhere near my child EVER again!!! And I would seriously get you OH to take some time off work to spend with his son and go see a counselor!!!


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## suzib76

sorry but an 8 year old is a child, and whilst he may well know that it is wrong, he isnt doing it to be 'bad'

yes it is innocent, innocent to the point where he doesnt understand at all the implications of such 'sexual' behaviour 

an 8 yo child that is behaving in such an inappropriate manner needs HELP


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## Aidan's Mummy

I'm more concerned about your OH's son tbh, as what he is being exposed to. I'm not syaing its the case but children that have been abused etc do sometimes 'act out' what they have experianced. This is not normal behaviour and either you or your OH need to talk to his school as this is very concerning x


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## Momma.Bear

He is in councilling. Due to his behaviour. 
He's been in councilling for over a year.
His behaviour is getting worse as time goes on. He's also on medication for his behaviour. 
He is well aware that it is 'wrong' as he lied about doing it. He would only lie due to avoiding trouble.


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## Momma.Bear

This child is violent, crude and now doing this?

You may not agree, but I have to protect my daughter.


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## suzib76

yes he may know it is wrong, but his wrong is on a different level as to why we think it is wrong


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## Aidan's Mummy

At the end of the day hun he is your OH's son, for an 8 year old to be in counselling he must have some issues that affect him deeply. He is a child and it's your OH's responsibility to be there for him regardless of his actions, saying he isn't welcome etc will only intensify any underlying issues he has x


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## Gingerspice

Personally it sounds like some time needs to be spent with this little boy and explained about what is and isn't normal behaviour. Surely most children at about this age at one time or another got caought playing dr's or 'you show me yours and I'll show me mine' behind the school sheds or somthing - its exploring the unknown. Seeing something on somebody else is very different to knowing you have it and then saying granny can't see it or something to then looking at somebody else's who is different.Without time, exlaination and perhaps some quetioning as to why he's so intrigued - are others intrigued with him, then the problem is just brushed under the carpet and only likely to crop up with another child or somewhere else. It won't vanish by ignoring it and he won't understand why he's sudddenly been forbidden from seeing his sibling anymore without explanation as to why it isn't nice/normal and how restraint is required for such things now he's a big boy etc


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## Aidan's Mummy

I understand you are concerned about your daughters welfare too, just don't leave him alone with her and keep a close eye on him. x


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## Momma.Bear

Aidan's Mummy said:


> At the end of the day hun he is your OH's son, for an 8 year old to be in counselling he must have some issues that affect him deeply. He is a child and it's your OH's responsibility to be there for him regardless of his actions, saying he isn't welcome etc will only intensify any underlying issues he has x

I'm well aware that he is my OH's son. 
He does have issues, no one is denying that. But, I am not having him near my daughter.
In the 3 years that I've been with my OH, his son has punched a teacher along with 3 other students (same day), gone after his cousin with scissors because he "pissed him off", threatened his mother's life, punched kicked slapped his father (my OH), and now he's shoving my daughter & being innapropriate. 
I was willing to work with his son, get him through this, but not when my daughter's safety is being questioned. Up until now, he hadn't done anything negatively towards my LO, but now that he has, I draw a line.


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## pinklightbulb

Wow hun, I'm sorry these things are happening :hugs:
But I'm another that doesn't agree with flat-out 'banning' him. If he is receiving counselling then obviously he has got issues that are being worked on. 8 is a funny age, I'm wondering where your SS is learning these things? He is still young enough that he may know it's inappropriate but may not realize just HOW wrong it is.


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## Momma.Bear

Gingerspice said:


> Personally it sounds like some time needs to be spent with this little boy and explained about what is and isn't normal behaviour. Surely most children at about this age at one time or another got caought playing dr's or 'you show me yours and I'll show me mine' behind the school sheds or somthing - its exploring the unknown. Seeing something on somebody else is very different to knowing you have it and then saying granny can't see it or something to then looking at somebody else's who is different.Without time, exlaination and perhaps some quetioning as to why he's so intrigued - are others intrigued with him, then the problem is just brushed under the carpet and only likely to crop up with another child or somewhere else. It won't vanish by ignoring it and he won't understand why he's sudddenly been forbidden from seeing his sibling anymore without explanation as to why it isn't nice/normal and how restraint is required for such things now he's a big boy etc

The "show me yours I'll show you mine" business is all and well true, but that is when children of the same age group are together and being curious.
This is an 8 year old boy encouraging my 19 MONTH old DAUGHTER to touch him innapropriately AND when he is asked about it, he denys the whole situation. 
We HAVE spoken to him many times about all sorts of behavioural issues, and he continues to misbehave. I am fed up.


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## Momma.Bear

Aidan's Mummy said:


> I understand you are concerned about your daughters welfare too, just don't leave him alone with her and keep a close eye on him. x

It's almost impossible to be around him the entire time he is here. 
That would mean that I couldn't eat, shower or go outside with the dogs. 

And my biggest point, he did this when i was standing not 5 feet away from them. What would he/has he done when I wasn't around?!


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## pinklightbulb

When you post things like you want to 'ban' a child from your home, it's helpful to give as much info as you can so there isn't backlash hun. One incident may not be enough for other posters to see your point, but with more we can start to see what exactly it is you are dealing with. He definitely sounds unstable from your latest post, that's for sure. If he is physically violent with no warning then no I wouldn't allow him near my son.


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## Aidan's Mummy

I just don't think banning him will productive what so ever, he can be supervised with your LO so he would be no threat. I am just shocked that an 8 year old is acting like this, he must be a very confused, mixed up little boy and I truly believe his father banning him from the house will make him and hsi behaviour 10 x worse x


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## suzib76

he is 8 years old :shrug: he needs help


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## Aidan's Mummy

just seen your latest post. Could he not come round and spend time with his dad and then go home? You could take LO out for a little while or stay with your OH there. I just think he is banned he will just get worse x


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## Baby France

I completely understand your concerns in regards to your daughter. Its only natural to want to protect and nuture her.

I feel really sorry for your step son though. He obviously has so many issues that he is already receiving professional help.

I don't think its fair though to give up on an 8 year old. I think that is doing the young lad more on an injustice and _if_ something concerning is going on with him, you are effectively cutting a life line for him. 

If he did it in front of you, it seems to me that he is screaming out for help and attention.

I know your daughter is your number one priority, but this boy is your OH's son and I think that he has a duty of care for him. You stopping that is wrong....so I think that you and OH need to try and come to some sort of arrangement, but you cutting off from him will probably do this _child_ more harm than good.

A very very difficult situation for you to be in :hugs:


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## Momma.Bear

Aidan's Mummy said:


> just seen your latest post. Could he not come round and spend time with his dad and then go home? You could take LO out for a little while or stay with your OH there. I just think he is banned he will just get worse x

His mother is an absolutely cow and she wouldn't allow that, that would cut into her time with her new boyfriend.
It's basically a situation of all or nothing, or I would be willing to allow that to happen (him visiting his father, LO and I not there) but the only way that would work is for me to leave my own home for the entire weekend. And I'm sorry, that is not going to happen.


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## Gingerspice

I would suggest you limit your time with him and perhaps reduce your daughters time when its only you around at the moment to make sure you know there is alwayssomebody in sight while things get sorted. 
I would suggest your OH pends some serious quality time with him - how much time de he get with his dad? do you think it is all attention seeking behaviour and some real attention could help towards lessening the bad behaviour? I know lives are busy and it can be very difficult for parents of split relationships to see much of their children, but in order to put a stop to it all is it worth trying to increase time with him for his dad? (I'm not saying it will, I'm just trying to offer some help/advice to try to get what sounds like a very confused and attention seeking boy some relief to possible roots of problems?)


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## Momma.Bear

Baby France said:


> I completely understand your concerns in regards to your daughter. Its only natural to want to protect and nuture her.
> 
> I feel really sorry for your step son though. He obviously has so many issues that he is already receiving professional help.
> 
> I don't think its fair though to give up on an 8 year old. I think that is doing the young lad more on an injustice and _if_ something concerning is going on with him, you are effectively cutting a life line for him.
> 
> If he did it in front of you, it seems to me that he is screaming out for help and attention.
> 
> I know your daughter is your number one priority, but this boy is your OH's son and I think that he has a duty of care for him. You stopping that is wrong....so I think that you and OH need to try and come to some sort of arrangement, but you cutting off from him will probably do this _child_ more harm than good.
> 
> A very very difficult situation for you to be in :hugs:

I would agree with him "screaming out for help" if he HAD NOT denied the entire incident occuring.
There is no arrangement that would work as it would always boil down to OH's son being in my home and near my daughter and I am not allowing that to happen.


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## Baby France

Gingerspice has made a good point. If your OH was to take him out for pure 1:1 father/son experience, that would reduce the contact with your LO and give him some precious quality time that may help him?


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## minkymoo

Mommabear - my advice is to get some sleep and come back to this thread tomorrow hun. 

You're clearly still very upset about this (understandably so) and are taking other's opinions the wrong way (because you're angry). You did ask what others would do but are becoming further annoyed with anyone who says something you don't want to hear/disagrees with you.

:flower:


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## Momma.Bear

Gingerspice said:


> I would suggest you limit your time with him and perhaps reduce your daughters time when its only you around at the moment to make sure you know there is alwayssomebody in sight while things get sorted.
> I would suggest your OH pends some serious quality time with him - how much time de he get with his dad? do you think it is all attention seeking behaviour and some real attention could help towards lessening the bad behaviour? I know lives are busy and it can be very difficult for parents of split relationships to see much of their children, but in order to put a stop to it all is it worth trying to increase time with him for his dad? (I'm not saying it will, I'm just trying to offer some help/advice to try to get what sounds like a very confused and attention seeking boy some relief to possible roots of problems?)

My OH sees his son everyother weekend from Friday to Sunday. And that is the agreement my OH's ex came up with, and when my OH has tried to see his son more, his ex always says "they have plans" or "he's busy"
I try to be scarce when his son is around, so that they can have quality time together, I also suggest they go out & do things without myself and our LO.


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## Aidan's Mummy

I agree doing that in front of your screams attention seeking to me. If he was being sneeky/doing it in private then I could maybe see it as him being abusive etc. But he did it right in front of you, it seems this little boy is looking for attention and is doing anything to get it. Having parents spilt is very hard on a child and children react in a variety of different ways. There are reasons for this little boys behaviour and your OH needs to spend some serious time with him, talk to drs etc to try and get to the bottom of this. Banning him, making him feel segregated/unwelcome will just be counter productive and he will get far worse x


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## lepaskilf

At the end of the day he's your OH's son, not yours! 

He's already proved he can't be trusted and yes he obviously does need help and by the sounds of it he's getting it but he's your OH's responsibility, not yours!

You have 2 children who need protecting, and if he is jepodising that then you are right to ban him from your home, you are not banning him from seeing his OH, just from YOUR children's safe place!


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## Aidan's Mummy

ETA: Him denying it (knowing full well you were there) could still be attention seeking he knows he is lying/you know he is lying and during that confrontation he is still getting the attention on him even if it is negative attention x


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## Momma.Bear

minkymoo said:


> Mommabear - my advice is to get some sleep and come back to this thread tomorrow hun.
> 
> You're clearly still very upset about this (understandably so) and are taking other's opinions the wrong way (because you're angry). You did ask what others would do but are becoming further annoyed with anyone who says something you don't want to hear/disagrees with you.
> 
> :flower:

I'm not getting annoyed, I'm explaining why it is that I've chosen NOT to have him here.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I'm expressing why I've got the one I've got.
I can completely understand where most of the ladies are coming from, but at the same time, they aren't the one's who have dealt with the issues with SS thus far. That's why I'm trying to explain everything fully, I didn't feel the need to write an essay during my question, but to clarify things, i might.


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## Gingerspice

Please don't think I was criticising how much time he does get with his dad, or making any judgement on what they do do or how much time is available. I was asking to try to see if there was some way to allow a boy who seems to be crying out for help, the help of the person that maybe he is crying out for. I know split families situations are tough for children to understand, and despite rulings made by courts and agreements set in place by adults over how much time each should get; these are uncomprehesible to children and if he actually wants more time with Daddy then maybe the attention seeking is to try to get it (being a child he just doesnt nderstand that it isn't and spit families do have restraints and limitations in place that no matter how much bad behaviour thrown about can be changed)


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## Baby France

I understand that you are angry. 

But you are getting really defensive with us and are currently refusing to seemingly accept any sort of 'support' for him or ideas that people give.

This *boy* is only 8. He DESERVES time with his father. 

I can see and completely and utterly understand every single one of your concerns. Hell I would be just as furious as you.

He has issues. That is obvious, but in my opinion you are only going to contribute to his issues further by refusing to accept him into your home and family. That will effectively wipe out his 'safety' net.

There are ways and means so that you ensure your daughter is not subjected to some of his inappropriate behaviour again. But I think a blanket ban on your part is unfair. Unfair on your step son and unfair on your OH who, no doubt will probably be frantic with worry about whats happening with his son!!


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## Aidan's Mummy

I can completely understand this is hard for you hun, I just don't want his behaviour to be worsened etc x


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## Momma.Bear

lepaskilf said:


> At the end of the day he's your OH's son, not yours!
> 
> He's already proved he can't be trusted and yes he obviously does need help and by the sounds of it he's getting it but he's your OH's responsibility, not yours!
> 
> You have 2 children who need protecting, and if he is jepodising that then you are right to ban him from your home, you are not banning him from seeing his OH, just from YOUR children's safe place!

Thank you.

Just to clarify though, I only have one LO. I'm not sure where the two LO's thing came from?


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## minkymoo

Momma.Bear said:


> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> Mommabear - my advice is to get some sleep and come back to this thread tomorrow hun.
> 
> You're clearly still very upset about this (understandably so) and are taking other's opinions the wrong way (because you're angry). You did ask what others would do but are becoming further annoyed with anyone who says something you don't want to hear/disagrees with you.
> 
> :flower:
> 
> I'm not getting annoyed, I'm explaining why it is that I've chosen NOT to have him here.
> Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I'm expressing why I've got the one I've got.
> I can completely understand where most of the ladies are coming from, but at the same time, they aren't the one's who have dealt with the issues with SS thus far. That's why I'm trying to explain everything fully, I didn't feel the need to write an essay during my question, but to clarify things, i might.Click to expand...

Er, ok. 

What does your OH have to say about him being banned?


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## Momma.Bear

Just to clarify, there is not once that I said my OH couldn't see his son. Not once did i state the ban was from my SS seeing his father, only coming to my home.
I'm stating his son is not welcome in MY home. My OH can take his son to his parents house or elseware.


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## lepaskilf

Momma.Bear said:


> lepaskilf said:
> 
> 
> At the end of the day he's your OH's son, not yours!
> 
> He's already proved he can't be trusted and yes he obviously does need help and by the sounds of it he's getting it but he's your OH's responsibility, not yours!
> 
> You have 2 children who need protecting, and if he is jepodising that then you are right to ban him from your home, you are not banning him from seeing his OH, just from YOUR children's safe place!
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> Just to clarify though, I only have one LO. I'm not sure where the two LO's thing came from?Click to expand...

Sorry, I saw the 6 months until I say I do and only read half of it asumiing you had a 6 month old too! :dohh:


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## Momma.Bear

minkymoo said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> Mommabear - my advice is to get some sleep and come back to this thread tomorrow hun.
> 
> You're clearly still very upset about this (understandably so) and are taking other's opinions the wrong way (because you're angry). You did ask what others would do but are becoming further annoyed with anyone who says something you don't want to hear/disagrees with you.
> 
> :flower:
> 
> I'm not getting annoyed, I'm explaining why it is that I've chosen NOT to have him here.
> Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I'm expressing why I've got the one I've got.
> I can completely understand where most of the ladies are coming from, but at the same time, they aren't the one's who have dealt with the issues with SS thus far. That's why I'm trying to explain everything fully, I didn't feel the need to write an essay during my question, but to clarify things, i might.Click to expand...
> 
> Er, ok.
> 
> What does your OH have to say about him being banned?Click to expand...

Actually, he understands.


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## Momma.Bear

lepaskilf said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lepaskilf said:
> 
> 
> At the end of the day he's your OH's son, not yours!
> 
> He's already proved he can't be trusted and yes he obviously does need help and by the sounds of it he's getting it but he's your OH's responsibility, not yours!
> 
> You have 2 children who need protecting, and if he is jepodising that then you are right to ban him from your home, you are not banning him from seeing his OH, just from YOUR children's safe place!
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> Just to clarify though, I only have one LO. I'm not sure where the two LO's thing came from?Click to expand...
> 
> Sorry, I saw the 6 months until I say I do and only read half of it asumiing you had a 6 month old too! :dohh:Click to expand...

Ah, gotcha.


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## Momma.Bear

Gingerspice said:


> Please don't think I was criticising how much time he does get with his dad, or making any judgement on what they do do or how much time is available. I was asking to try to see if there was some way to allow a boy who seems to be crying out for help, the help of the person that maybe he is crying out for. I know split families situations are tough for children to understand, and despite rulings made by courts and agreements set in place by adults over how much time each should get; these are uncomprehesible to children and if he actually wants more time with Daddy then maybe the attention seeking is to try to get it (being a child he just doesnt nderstand that it isn't and spit families do have restraints and limitations in place that no matter how much bad behaviour thrown about can be changed)

I understand what you were saying.
I've suggested this to OH many times, but his ex is the one who's standing in the way.


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## Blah11

Sorry, I agree with the majority of the others I'm afraid. Also surprised that your OH is okay with you banning HIS son from HIS home. :\


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## Baby France

Momma.Bear said:


> Just to clarify, there is not once that I said my OH couldn't see his son. Not once did i state the ban was from my SS seeing his father, only coming to my home.
> I'm stating his son is not welcome in MY home. My OH can take his son to his parents house or elseware.

And are banning him from his family.

How do you think an 8 year old is going to feel when he is being rejected by his step mum.

He has issues on various levels. Do you think this type of response is going to help and benefit him in anyway? 

You are going to hinder him further by being like this.

As previously said I can understand your concerns. But having set rules and boundaries and you and your OH working as a team, you should be able to have a much tighter control of his lone access to your daughter.


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## Momma.Bear

I guess what's not being understood is this..

I have told my OH to try and spend more time with him.
I have told my OH to speak to his son's mother about his behaviour.
I have told my OH that his son needs more medical/professional help.
I have told my OH's family to speak to my OH's ex.
I have tried speaking to SS.
I have tired to figure out what's really going on in his head.
I have told OH to talk to him, to discuss things.
I have told OH to speak to his ex and to go to appointments.

Nothing that I am doing is helping. And, it all boils down to, this is my OH's son, not mine. My OH's ex won't speak to me nor listen to any advice I may give.
I am at the end of my tether here, and the only solution right now is to not allow OH's son here, until he can get the help he needs, until I can safely use the washroom without fear for my LO.


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## Gingerspice

I can understand you wanting to limit YOUR time and your daughter not seeing him, but by default you stating he cannot come to YOUR house at all will limit his time with his dad. How would overnight stays work? Will you always stay at a hotel will LO letting him be in a family home with hs dad? Will you kick him out with his father only highlighting the fact his step mum clearly doesn't want him around? I cn completely see why yo're stating why you wouldn't want to see him etc, but I think there's a bigger picture to it that will only lead to more separation, confusion and rejection?? (You may have already come up with suitable thing with your OH to make things work - I'm not asking for justitifcation from you here or expecting it - just raising some questions that you may have lready thought about - but if not perhaps just allows a bigger picture to be formed so you can then come up with solutions)


----------



## PepsiChic

Im another mother who agrees with the majority int his thread,

I feel so icnredibly sad for that little 8 year old boy, i want to so badly go and hold him and tell him he doesnt need to do this bad behaviour anymore because someone does love him, someone does care, and someone is worried about him and wants to help and spend time with him. - im not saying you/your oh doesnt love him etc but obviously he needs to hear. 

I know its scary what he did, but turning your back on him will just make things worse. Hes going to end up on anti-depresants before hes a teen if his own family wont even help him.

this whole situation is truely heartbreaking.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Um, to clarify.. 
This is MY home.
My OH does NOT live here FULLtime.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Have to agree with baby france

I cannot stress enough that I can understand the concerns you have and your want to protect your little girl. I understand that 100% But I'm sorry hun I just don't agree with banning your step son from your home when you go into a realtionship with someone that has a child then you are taking that child on aswell, you can't just say no more because it gets tough. What would you do if he was your son? Would you turn him away and place him into care? Or would you do your hardest to deal with issues, be there for a child that is obviously confused and send him the message that you are a stable thing in his life x


----------



## Blah11

Momma.Bear said:


> I guess what's not being understood is this..
> 
> I have told my OH to try and spend more time with him.
> I have told my OH to speak to his son's mother about his behaviour.
> I have told my OH that his son needs more medical/professional help.
> I have told my OH's family to speak to my OH's ex.
> I have tried speaking to SS.
> I have tired to figure out what's really going on in his head.
> I have told OH to talk to him, to discuss things.
> I have told OH to speak to his ex and to go to appointments.
> 
> Nothing that I am doing is helping. And, it all boils down to, this is my OH's son, not mine. My OH's ex won't speak to me nor listen to any advice I may give.
> I am at the end of my tether here, and the only solution right now is to not allow OH's son here, until he can get the help he needs, until I can safely use the washroom without fear for my LO.

Yes but surely when you got with your OH you accepted them as a package? His children should come before you whether he has full custody or not.


----------



## Momma.Bear

PepsiChic said:


> Im another mother who agrees with the majority int his thread,
> 
> I feel so icnredibly sad for that little 8 year old boy, i want to so badly go and hold him and tell him he doesnt need to do this bad behaviour anymore because someone does love him, someone does care, and someone is worried about him and wants to help and spend time with him. - im not saying you/your oh doesnt love him etc but obviously he needs to hear.
> 
> I know its scary what he did, but turning your back on him will just make things worse. Hes going to end up on anti-depresants before hes a teen if his own family wont even help him.
> 
> this whole situation is truely heartbreaking.

We do reassure him of these things when he's here. And my OH calls him regularily and makes sure he knows he's loved.

He already is on antidepressants for his behaviour.


----------



## feeble

I really think if you are in a relationship with someone, you have to accept their children. I could not be with a man who did not accept my children. 

Your step son is a PART of your future husband.


----------



## v2007

In response to the op, i would have to have 8 year old removed from house until i got to the bottom of why he was doing this. 

Not read the rest of the thread...have i missed summat. 

V xxx


----------



## Blah11

he's 8 and on antidepressants? wtf.


----------



## Baby France

Its so sad that a little boy so desperately needs help, he has a step mum who seemingly has supported any help and your OH is quite easy to shrug his shoulders and wash his hands.

Your OH needs to step up to the mark here I'm afraid. It seems he has had all the support from you and he needs to find out for himself what is going on.

I still think that you should offer the support you have done...but your OH is just as guilty of letting your step son down if he hasn't done any of the things you have listed above.

Please don't forget and keep in mind, that your step son is still a child. A child who needs support and guidance. From the adults who surround him.


----------



## PepsiChic

Blah11 said:


> he's 8 and on antidepressants? wtf.


my thoughts exactly.

hes FAR FAR to young to be on anti-depressants. this is AWFUL! not only are they not helpign him apparently, hes still developing and elarning and too young to be on them.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

I just find it heartbreaking that an 8 year old little boy is so disturbed he needs antidepressants :( He is just a child x


----------



## Miss_Bump

Do you know what his home life is like with his mother? Does he have other siblings?

You mentioned something about his mum wanting to spend more time with her new boyfriend? Maybe he feels pushed out from her due to this new relationship?

He may have lied about it to you as it may have happened before in his mothers home and he may have been badly punished for it?

So sorry you are in this situation


----------



## v2007

Anti-depressants at 8 :cry:

That's just wrong. 

VX XX


----------



## Gingerspice

agreed with above that it sounds like your really are trying everything you can and his dad is not helping what so ever.
Please don't give up though. It must be so tough feeling like nobody is listening when already trying to help this child who obviuosly has a lot to deal with, but if you do turn your back then there might not be anyone else to tryto fight his corner like you have been.
/i know you can't force OH to do any of the things you listed but has anybody else said to him directly how he really should do those hings you've suggested (so it come from somebody other than 'a nagging OH' which is maybe how OH views it?


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Read the first post and actually cried he is just a little boy :cry: There MUST be reasons why he is like this and it is honestly heartbreaking x


----------



## minkymoo

If your OH doesn't live with you full time, where does he live the rest of the time? Can he have his son there and you and your daughter go to visit so he still has that contact with you both?

You mention you are scared to go to the bathroom/leave LO alone with him for a second in case something is happening, so I have to ask, where is your OH whilst his son is with you?


----------



## Momma.Bear

His mother is a cow.
She is in and out of relationships, so it's not a new thing for SS.
He is an only child, that he's aware of. His mother also had 2 other children (before him) but that's a story all on it's own.
His mother is pretty irresponsible and I'm sure doesn't give a rats ass about SS. Anytime ANYONE has tried speaking to her, she won't listen, esp when it's coming from me.

I do feel bad for SS, and really wish i could help him. But right now, it's my LO i have to look out for.


----------



## Momma.Bear

minkymoo said:


> If your OH doesn't live with you full time, where does he live the rest of the time? Can he have his son there and you and your daughter go to visit so he still has that contact with you both?
> 
> You mention you are scared to go to the bathroom/leave LO alone with him for a second in case something is happening, so I have to ask, where is your OH whilst his son is with you?

My OH technically lives at his parents house. But he is always here. 

My OH doesn't always pay very close attention. I've caught SS doing things with OH sitting there, but he didn't even notice.


----------



## Miss_Bump

Momma.Bear said:


> His mother is a cow.
> She is in and out of relationships, so it's not a new thing for SS.
> He is an only child, that he's aware of. His mother also had 2 other children (before him) but that's a story all on it's own.
> His mother is pretty irresponsible and I'm sure doesn't give a rats ass about SS. Anytime ANYONE has tried speaking to her, she won't listen, esp when it's coming from me.
> 
> I do feel bad for SS, and really wish i could help him. But right now, it's my LO i have to look out for.

Sounds like she doesn't deserve to have a child.

No wonder the poor boy is so messed up :(


----------



## v2007

I'm sorry but this child is being punished because of his Mothers recklessness. 

If my child had attempted to touch another child i would want to know and i would want to know where they may have seen or known they were allowed to do this. 

He is clearly being exposed to something, but having him thrown into a mental facility and dosing him on pills isn't 'fixing' him, not that it would!!!

He needs proper help, guidance, boundaries and someone to look after him and not discard him when it gets too tough!!!!


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Your OH sounds like he needs to step up to the mark hun and work on his supervision skills. Even if his son wasn't there he still needs to be watching your LO so she doesn't get into mischief. Also is his mother is as irresponsible as you say she is I would seriously contemplate ringing social services. In fact does he not have a social worker? Due to the issues he is having? x


----------



## Blah11

Sounds like its def your OH who needs to take some more responsibility for him :shrug: His mother sounds like a waste of space but you can't try and change her, you can your OH.
If I was your OH I'd seriously look into getting a place of my own if you didnt want his son in your house and try to get his mum to let him live with me :shrug: Dont think it would be too hard to get her to agree either :(


----------



## Miss_Bump

What do social services say about all of this?


----------



## minkymoo

Momma.Bear said:


> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> If your OH doesn't live with you full time, where does he live the rest of the time? Can he have his son there and you and your daughter go to visit so he still has that contact with you both?
> 
> You mention you are scared to go to the bathroom/leave LO alone with him for a second in case something is happening, so I have to ask, where is your OH whilst his son is with you?
> 
> My OH technically lives at his parents house. But he is always here.
> 
> My OH doesn't always pay very close attention. I've caught SS doing things with OH sitting there, but he didn't even notice.Click to expand...

Could you try as I suggested then? SS goes to see his dad at his GP's house and you can drop by for a visit? That way there would hopefully be a number of adults to keep an eye?


----------



## Momma.Bear

Miss_Bump said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> His mother is a cow.
> She is in and out of relationships, so it's not a new thing for SS.
> He is an only child, that he's aware of. His mother also had 2 other children (before him) but that's a story all on it's own.
> His mother is pretty irresponsible and I'm sure doesn't give a rats ass about SS. Anytime ANYONE has tried speaking to her, she won't listen, esp when it's coming from me.
> 
> I do feel bad for SS, and really wish i could help him. But right now, it's my LO i have to look out for.
> 
> Sounds like she doesn't deserve to have a child.
> 
> No wonder the poor boy is so messed up :(Click to expand...

No, she doesn't deserve a child at all.
That's why she had her tubes tied at the age of 21 (when SS was born) and it wasn't by choice.
Luckily she won't have anymore, but it's still horrible that she's screwing SS up so badly now.


----------



## Baby France

Does he have a social worker? Are they involved? His support workers, could you speak to your SS and get details and get your OH to talk to them directly.

If his mum is so irresponsible and he has many people walking in and out of his life, you might not know what he has been subjected to.

MinkyMoo has come up with a good idea in regards to your OH having him at his house and you go to visit.

Does your OH not want him full time if his home life is so irregular and unstable?


----------



## Momma.Bear

minkymoo said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> If your OH doesn't live with you full time, where does he live the rest of the time? Can he have his son there and you and your daughter go to visit so he still has that contact with you both?
> 
> You mention you are scared to go to the bathroom/leave LO alone with him for a second in case something is happening, so I have to ask, where is your OH whilst his son is with you?
> 
> My OH technically lives at his parents house. But he is always here.
> 
> My OH doesn't always pay very close attention. I've caught SS doing things with OH sitting there, but he didn't even notice.Click to expand...
> 
> Could you try as I suggested then? SS goes to see his dad at his GP's house and you can drop by for a visit? That way there would hopefully be a number of adults to keep an eye?Click to expand...

OH used to take SS to his GP's house.
But OH can't handle the behaviour on his own and my inlaws are useless.
I would get calls/texts from OH saying that SS was misbehaving & he didn't know what to do.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Baby France said:


> Does he have a social worker? Are they involved? His support workers, could you speak to your SS and get details and get your OH to talk to them directly.
> 
> If his mum is so irresponsible and he has many people walking in and out of his life, you might not know what he has been subjected to.
> 
> MinkyMoo has come up with a good idea in regards to your OH having him at his house and you go to visit.
> 
> Does your OH not want him full time if his home life is so irregular and unstable?

No, CAS isn't involved (yet, it's definitely coming to that)

No, OH doesn't want him fulltime, he can't handle him (he says)


----------



## Blah11

Is your OH not very concerned about him? Sounds like your OH is making excuses to not have to deal with his sons behaviour :shrug: i feel more and more sorry for this boy the more I read tbh. His mum doesn't want him and neither does his dad it seems. No wonder he acts out.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Blah11 said:


> Is your OH not very concerned about him? Sounds like your OH is making excuses to not have to deal with his sons behaviour :shrug:

He is concerned, but I don't think he knows what to do/how to deal with it. And I've tried to discuss options, but nothing ever gets through, iykwim.


----------



## Baby France

Your OH needs to start taking on some responsibility. He needs to seek further help, advice and obviously needs support too.

This little boy is being let down by both sets of parents.

I can completely understand your frustration, but at this moment in time _you_ may be this only boys saviour. Especially if his mum isn't interested and your OH wants to turn a blind eye and won't try to seek further help.


----------



## feeble

This boy needs to be with people who care for him :(


----------



## minkymoo

Momma.Bear said:


> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> If your OH doesn't live with you full time, where does he live the rest of the time? Can he have his son there and you and your daughter go to visit so he still has that contact with you both?
> 
> You mention you are scared to go to the bathroom/leave LO alone with him for a second in case something is happening, so I have to ask, where is your OH whilst his son is with you?
> 
> My OH technically lives at his parents house. But he is always here.
> 
> My OH doesn't always pay very close attention. I've caught SS doing things with OH sitting there, but he didn't even notice.Click to expand...
> 
> Could you try as I suggested then? SS goes to see his dad at his GP's house and you can drop by for a visit? That way there would hopefully be a number of adults to keep an eye?Click to expand...
> 
> OH used to take SS to his GP's house.
> But OH can't handle the behaviour on his own and my inlaws are useless.
> I would get calls/texts from OH saying that SS was misbehaving & he didn't know what to do.Click to expand...

Hate to say it but, tough!! It's his son and he needs to be taught how to manage that behaviour through the social workers/mental health care team. It's not up to you to sort it out, your OH needs to grow a pair I'm afraid. Sorry to be harsh. I would suggest that you return to that old way until you've got to the bottom of this. Your OH is ok with you banning his son so I guess he has no choice now? Might make him step up a bit if you're not there to do it all for him.

What a shame for this poor boy.


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## Aidan's Mummy

I can't believe your OH doesn't want him :nope: So who does want this little boy? Neither his mum or his dad seem to be caring for his needs, his emotional needs sounds completely neglected! Your OH chose to have him he should address any issues his son has and not cop out when it gets tough. Does he not make you angry hun? x


----------



## Momma.Bear

Baby France said:


> Your OH needs to start taking on some responsibility. He needs to seek further help, advice and obviously needs support too.
> 
> This little boy is being let down by both sets of parents.
> 
> I can completely understand your frustration, but at this moment in time _you_ may be this only boys saviour. Especially if his mum isn't interested and your OH wants to turn a blind eye and won't try to seek further help.

I'm not "allowed" to do anything further.
When SS was in the hospital, I went with OH to visit.
OH's ex says "What is that bitch doing here? She has no right to come here"


----------



## RachA

Blind Post

I think 8 is plenty old enough to know that certain behavious are unacceptable. 
I wouldn't allow my lo's to be in a room along with him at all. 

Obviously something needs to be worked out. I would try and meet SS our of your own house.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Aidan's Mummy said:


> I can't believe your OH doesn't want him :nope: So who does want this little boy? Neither his mum or his dad seem to be caring for his needs, his emotional needs sounds completely neglected! Your OH chose to have him he should address any issues his son has and not cop out when it gets tough. Does he not make you angry hun? x

Yes, it makes me very angry.
But, you said my OH chose to have SS. He didn't.
OH's ex stopped taking her BC and didn't tell OH. So getting pregnant was a surprise and OH wasn't ready/didn't want children at the time.
So, to be fair, he has stepped up. But not as much as he should!


----------



## Lydiarose

Its extremelly disturbing that an 8 year old little boy is on anti depresents i cannot and will not get my head around that! :nope:

His mother is by the sounds of it exposing him to things,that are innapropriate to a child.

He needs to be with you/your oh full time,and have some TLC lots of talking and love.

It really makes me angry,your OH's reaction :nope:

If you and his dad or his mother cant and dont want him . . . he needs to be with someone who will give him the love and care he deserves.

He needs to be talking to people who love him not a random councellor and having pills shoved down his throught at 8!?

Christ i am lost for words.


----------



## v2007

I know you are upset at the moment but could you not adopt this little boy and give him the help he needs and craves. 

V xxx


----------



## Blah11

Momma.Bear said:


> Aidan's Mummy said:
> 
> 
> I can't believe your OH doesn't want him :nope: So who does want this little boy? Neither his mum or his dad seem to be caring for his needs, his emotional needs sounds completely neglected! Your OH chose to have him he should address any issues his son has and not cop out when it gets tough. Does he not make you angry hun? x
> 
> Yes, it makes me very angry.
> But, you said my OH chose to have SS. He didn't.
> OH's ex stopped taking her BC and didn't tell OH. So getting pregnant was a surprise and OH wasn't ready/didn't want children at the time.
> So, to be fair, he has stepped up. But not as much as he should!Click to expand...

Meh, he chose to have sex and everyone knows that when you have sex you risk getting pregnant or fathering a child.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Regardless of how he was born hun he is here, I am starting to understand where this little boys issues are coming from and I have a feeling his parents(if you can call them that) play a huge part in his behaviour. x


----------



## Baby France

I feel really sorry for you. You have obviously have your work cut out for you and have barrier after barrier being put up.

I know you probably feel as though everyone is getting at you. Please please don't take it like that. I think a lot of people are geniunely shocked and concerned about this poor boys welfare.

I know that you are a completely different type of mother to that of your step sons. 

But try and take a step back now and see him as your own. How would you want to do this? What would you do, if this was your LO who is being obviously neglected and unwanted?

Doesn't your heart break to want to do something further.

If your OH isn't taking the lead against his useless ex, I'd be contacting social services myself and force yourself into taking a more active role and making his mum realise that in six months time...you WILL be a member of his family and he WILL be a brother to your little girl.

:hugs:


----------



## v2007

Stopped taking the pill, got pregnant then got her tubes tied.:wacko:

Mental!!!!

V xxx


----------



## Lydiarose

didnt you say she had her tubes tied "not by choice" how is that even legal!?


----------



## Lydiarose

Im sorry i dont want it to seem like im nit picking,im just really . .. dont even have a word for it!


----------



## feeble

v2007 said:


> I know you are upset at the moment but could you not adopt this little boy and give him the help he needs and craves.
> 
> V xxx

Exactly what I would do. His behaviour problems are solvable with LOVE, he is only 8, he is probably a calm sensitive little boy, who has laid awake listening to his mother cavorting and seen things little boys shouldn't see... 

If he cannot have a safe, permanent home with his father, he should be put into care.


----------



## v2007

Lydiarose said:


> didnt you say she had her tubes tied "not by choice" how is that even legal!?

TBH it might not be a bad thing she has had her tubes tied, i mean look at the mess she has made of this little boy. 

Imagine if she did it to more children.


----------



## Momma.Bear

When OH and i got together i suggested him taking full custody of SS. 
At this point, i think he would be better in a home with people trained to deal with behaviours like this.
When SS gets mad at my OH he kicks, punches and slaps. And i personally cant tolerate that and dont know how i would react if he did that to me or LO.
I'm just at a loss right now.


----------



## Blah11

He obviously hasnt been able to verbalise his thoughts and feelings to his dad hence why hes hitting and lashing out. Your OH needs to step up, spend more time with him , talk and LISTEN to what his son has got to say. Sounds like he doesn't know him at all really.
I feel for you, I really do. Its unfortunate that you've been brought into this situation but please don't let your OH let his son down.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

:hugs: I would advise that you ring soical services before more damage is done to this little boy x


----------



## Lydiarose

:shrug: i dont understand how being forced into having your tubes tied is in any way ethical :wacko:


----------



## Momma.Bear

She was 21, has given birth to two other children (two other fathers) one of which is now dead (she was deemed at fault) and another she abandoned shortly after birth.
CAS showed up when SS was born and basically demanded she have her tubes tied.


----------



## Blah11

Lydiarose said:


> :shrug: i dont understand how being forced into having your tubes tied is in any way ethical :wacko:

Its not. Its against human rights.


----------



## v2007

When they lash out like that, you have to sit down with them and hold them till they calm down and you can reason with them. 

:hugs:

I can't imagine how crappy you are feeling but this little boy needs help and right now your the only one who might be able to give it to him. without him going into care and if he is left in the care system he may get worse.
V xxx


----------



## Baby France

SOMEBODY needs to step up to the plate for this little boy.

If his mum won't do it, his dad won't do it and you won't do it....someone needs to be contacted who will put this little boys best interests first.

You need to get this child into a loving environment of people who will give him the time of day, who are interested in him and his needs.

I find it shocking that your OH doesn't actually *know* whats going on with his counsellor and such and isn't more involved with things surrounding his welfare.

An 8 year old, sectioned 3 times and on anti depressants. I'd be at every single appointment and knowing the ins and outs of a cats arse for him!


----------



## v2007

The father died or the child died?

V xxx


----------



## minkymoo

Deary deary me. What a way to live.


----------



## Blah11

Momma.Bear said:


> She was 21, has given birth to two other children (two other fathers) one of which is now dead (she was deemed at fault) and another she abandoned shortly after birth.
> CAS showed up when SS was born and basically demanded she have her tubes tied.

There must be more to it than that as forced sterilisation these days is very illegal :shrug:


----------



## Momma.Bear

v2007 said:


> The father died or the child died?
> 
> V xxx

The child.


----------



## minkymoo

Baby France said:


> SOMEBODY needs to step up to the plate for this little boy.
> 
> If his mum won't do it, his dad won't do it and you won't do it....someone needs to be contacted who will put this little boys best interests first.
> 
> You need to get this child into a loving environment of people who will give him the time of day, who are interested in him and his needs.
> 
> I find it shocking that your OH doesn't actually *know* whats going on with his counsellor and such and isn't more involved with things surrounding his welfare.
> 
> *An 8 year old, sectioned 3 times and on anti depressants. I'd be at every single appointment and knowing the ins and outs of a cats arse for him!*

Damn right. It's disgraceful. My head is spinning.


----------



## v2007

When you say she was at fault, did she murder this child?

V xxx


----------



## Lydiarose

This is just getting worse and worse the more i hear.

I understand why this poor boy has so many issues.


----------



## Momma.Bear

v2007 said:


> When you say she was at fault, did she murder this child?
> 
> V xxx

She left the child with a babysitter that was drunk so that she could go party.
The babysitter murdered the baby.


----------



## Baby France

So why the hell after her abandoning and effectively killing two children has she been able to bring up a child?

After all the shit he's going through, obvious neglect and mental abuse (mental health issues) has this child not been whisked away at the first possible sign of ill treatment. His sections and medication is evidence enough!!!!

And why, oh why has your OH ever allowed her to have custody of him and never fought her tooth and nail to have him in his own custody, knowing what she has been capable of.

I'm not sure who I'm more disgusted in, the fact she's been allowed the priviledge of bringing up a child or your OH for completely allowing his son to be destroyed.


----------



## minkymoo

Momma.Bear said:


> v2007 said:
> 
> 
> When you say she was at fault, did she murder this child?
> 
> V xxx
> 
> She left the child with a babysitter that was drunk so that she could go party.
> The babysitter murdered the baby.Click to expand...

and your OH didn't want to get custody the minute his son was born?? This is madness!!


----------



## Momma.Bear

My OH's ex doesnt tell him about the apointments until after or just before & OH cant take time off work with no warning.


----------



## Blah11

and that'll be why he doesnt have a great relationship with his mother :( poor little boy.


----------



## v2007

Momma.Bear said:


> v2007 said:
> 
> 
> When you say she was at fault, did she murder this child?
> 
> V xxx
> 
> She left the child with a babysitter that was drunk so that she could go party.
> The babysitter murdered the baby.Click to expand...

Excuse my language but fucking hell now i see why this poor kid is messed up. 

What a sorry state of affairs :cry:

V xxx


----------



## Blah11

Momma.Bear said:


> My OH's ex doesnt tell him about the apointments until after or just before & OH cant take time off work with no warning.

I'm sorry but you're making excuses for him. He needs to be more proactive. This story is very sad.


----------



## Momma.Bear

My OH wasnt capable of taking custody when he and SS's mother split (financially)
When OH and his ex split, OH's parents actually had temporary custody of SS and just handed him back over, knowing the ex's history.


----------



## Blah11

Anyway before I go to bed, my final thoughts is that your OH is just as much to blame for doing nothing than his mother is. he needs to put it right and as a mother I'd of thought you'd be MAKING your soon to be husband step up to the plate and help his boy.


----------



## v2007

Momma.Bear said:


> My OH's ex doesnt tell him about the apointments until after or just before & OH cant take time off work with no warning.

Your OH NEEDS to be more proactive. 

He NEEDS to rings the Doctors direct and see what appts he has coming up etc. 

V xxx


----------



## Momma.Bear

Blah11 said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> My OH's ex doesnt tell him about the apointments until after or just before & OH cant take time off work with no warning.
> 
> I'm sorry but you're making excuses for him. He needs to be more proactive. This story is very sad.Click to expand...

In that case, im not making an excuse. 
His ex doesnt tell him, he cant help that part.
And he cant just take time off work, even when i tell him about our LO's appointments; its hard for him to be there. He usually isnt.


----------



## jenny_wren

no wonder the poor boys messed up

:cry:

why on earth didn't your oh fight for his
little boy, no way in hell would i let her have
custody after that, whether he wanted him or
not he should have fought for him, that lad
is a part of him and he left him with a clearly
very unfit mother, your oh needs a bloody
good slap, perhaps it could all have been avoided
if he'd stepped up sooner whether he could
financially afford it or not, it's not an excuse
not after her other poor child died

:nope:​


----------



## Momma.Bear

Blah11 said:


> Anyway before I go to bed, my final thoughts is that your OH is just as much to blame for doing nothing than his mother is. he needs to put it right and as a mother I'd of thought you'd be MAKING your soon to be husband step up to the plate and help his boy.

There is only so much i can do & theres little that i havent.


----------



## Momma.Bear

jenny_wren said:


> no wonder the poor boys messed up
> 
> :cry:
> 
> why on earth didn't your oh fight for his
> little boy, no way in hell would i let her have
> custody after that, whether he wanted him or
> not he should have fought for him, that lad
> is a part of him and he left him with a clearly
> very unfit mother, your oh needs a bloody
> good slap, perhaps it could all have been avoided
> if he'd stepped up sooner whether he could
> financially afford it or not, it's not an excuse
> not after her other poor child died
> 
> :nope:​

I agree whole heartedly.


----------



## Baby France

Blah11 said:


> Anyway before I go to bed, my final thoughts is that your OH is just as much to blame for doing nothing than his mother is. he needs to put it right and as a mother I'd of thought you'd be MAKING your soon to be husband step up to the plate and help his boy.

Ditto.

After you knowing all of this too, I'm surprised you don't want to snatch him away yourself (I know I do).

Your OH has completely and utterly let his son down. In so many ways its unreal.

He needs to stop the shit and the pussy footing around. 

His son has gone too far with your daughter. You put your foot down, stop the shit and save this little boy.

Fuck his mum and her feelings and sod your OH and the fact he can't cope. You have kids, you learn to cope and you show them what is right and wrong in this world and make him realise that he's been wronged.


----------



## Blah11

To be very frank with you, I don't know how you can love, marry and have a child with a man who won't take responsibility to help his own son.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I will be having a long conversation with OH tonight.
I havent been able to yet as he had to take SS home.
But after LO goes to bed, we will be discussing everything fully.


----------



## minkymoo

Blah11 said:


> To be very frank with you, I don't know how you can love, marry and have a child with a man who won't take responsibility to help his own son.

I'm afraid I agree. I would be running so fast you wouldn't see me for the dust from my Choo's.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Blah11 said:


> To be very frank with you, I don't know how you can love, marry and have a child with a man who won't take responsibility to help his own son.

At this point, im not even sure.


----------



## feeble

The thing is, this isn't some 'stray' child, this is the son of a man you are about to marry, I am sorry to be blunt but to me, if you are taking on the father, you MUST take on the son. In whatever capacity. 

If I had a child with behavioural problems I could not just toss that child away, I may have to seek out a suitable environment like boarding school or respite if it was really, really serious, but actually slapping and kicking is not 'that' serious... 

Anyway, this is just my view, but I would be seriously considering taking the boy in, or asking the father to pay for some sort of out of the home education where he may get emotional support needed.... 

Whatever, I think this boy needs to be out of this situation with his mother, because she is obviously a bit screwed up and it is affecting this boy.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

I cannot believe what I am reading. Why was this child allowed to stay with a mother that is clearly incapable of raising a child safely. Why has your OH allowed his son to be mentally abused because that's what it sounds like to me. Mental abuse of a child by an unfit mother and his irresponsible father and stood back and watch it happen. 

This poor little boy :cry: I actually want to bring him home and show him what real love, and stability is. No wonder he is so mentally disturbed neither of his 'parents' seem to care about his mental well-being. All this little boy needs is love, commitment and someone that actually makes him feels wanted. Not shoves him aside for men or comes out with the excuse I was trapped into having him. Regardless of how he came into this world this child is being abused and it's shocking. Child protection need to be called and this little boy needs people to step in and be his advocate, his voice in a disgraceful situation that has been allowed to go on for too long! x


----------



## Pramaholic86

I haven't read this while thread but I do understand where the OP is coming from, there's no way I'd take the chance of having him around my daughter. Regardless of age and circumstance she is trying to protect her child, I agree that the little boy needs help but I would absolutely not have him around my child unless I was confidant that I could trust him. It's an awful situation for all involved!


----------



## aliss

Sorry, I haven't read this entire thread. I have the gist of it though.

I'm not sure of the logistics, but this boy should never be allowed near your daughter again. Sibling/step-sibling perpetrated sexual abuse is one of the most common forms of sexual abuse. An 8 year old is aware of what they are doing. I understand he obviously has severe mental health issues/abandonment issues etc. and it is likely he has been susceptible to sexual abuse himself considering the circumstances but the OP has control over one thing only in this situation, and that is over the safety of her own little girl. 

I would have to report this to the police and social services. If you and your OH ever split up, you would have no control over preventing your daughter being around this boy on your OH's parental time. No control. No report, didn't happen <- it really is that simple in terms of custody arrangement. Good luck to you.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I want to call CAS, i want to find him somewhere suitable to be.
But its not really that simple.


----------



## Blah11

i think we can all appreciate how horrid it must be for you but someone needs to speak for this little boy. hes only 8, nowhere near a lost cause.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

I really don't understand that I'm sorry hun. You say you want to protect your daughter but this little boy needs protecting too. He needs someone to step up and stop this, if I knew his details I would ring them myself x


----------



## Baby France

I really do hope that you are able to see this from your step sons perspective.

I hope that somewhere you feel responsible and able to provide and loving and nuturing home for a little boy that has been passed from pillar to post and has _never_ had anyone to take proper responsibility.

I really hope you can do something that can prevent further damage and I hope you can repair some of the damage already done.

That poor little boy. 

I think that your stepsons 'parents' should be ashamed of themselves.

I do think that I would be questioning my future with a man who has allowed his child to suffer like that and has no balls to take a lead role in his sons life!


----------



## Momma.Bear

It's not that simple because unless you have proof that the parent is incapable, CAS won't do squat.
Heresay doesnt count.
It was CAS that allowed her to have SS back when she disappeared for a week after his first birthday for petesakes.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I will do as much as i can, keeping my LO protected.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Why isn't your OH doing more? I really don't understand him x


----------



## xemmax

I'm astounded that she is actually allowed to look after him. Poor, poor little boy.

Who is fighting his corner? Your OH NEEDS to step up. He owes it to his son.


----------



## Amber_Lynn822

I'm sorry I kind of scanned though this so if this was already said I'm sorry

Coming from personal experience, has your SS been abused? That sounds like that kind of behavior to me. I would suggest intense therapy, Children of abuse either do what's been done to them or shut down. I don't mean to offend by this, you never know.

And I would never leave him alone with your Daughter, There is no such thing as being too careful in such a situation. I was abused as a child (and turned slightly frigged with hubby even after years of therapy) and I am beyond over-protect of my stepdaughter I would never want her to experience the pain I did.

I'm giving big huge virtual hugs to you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## Momma.Bear

I don't know why he doesn't do more. And there is only so much i can say to him. I cant MAKE him do anything.


----------



## Baby France

I do but don't agree with Aliss.

If its the first time that it has happened. Then I would monitor it. I hope you are going to take some sort of further action to get him into a loving environment.

If it happened again, then yes I would probably report it to social services.

Something has to be done. Please just don't leave this with a blanket ban on that he can't enter your home. Please *do* something.


----------



## xemmax

What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.

Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I was molested at the age of 7 by my stepfather.
Perhaps thats why im so protective, but such is life.


----------



## Baby France

Ok, if you need grounds to show questionable parenting.

Report the sexual contact. That should set some alarm bells ringing.

To be completely fair though...between the anti depressants and 3 sections, its not like there isn't evidence there already really.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

I agree with baby france child abuse is everybodies business, you need to try and help him. Yes child protection need proof but if you tell them what you have told us they WILL investigate, I work with children and anything like this would be investigated throughly x


----------



## Momma.Bear

xemmax said:


> What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.
> 
> Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.

I saw it happen.
He had a hole in the crotch of his pants. He put his finger in the hole and said 'tickletickle' which is what we do to LO's bellybutton and she does the same if she sees yours. LO was right in front of him doing this, she then reached out and copied him and he didn't stop it, just watched her. I then stopped it from happening, i took LO and then directed OH to speak to SS.


----------



## aliss

I have a fair bit of experience working with sexual abuse victims (both professionally and academically, not a victim myself). I have a strong suspicion that this boy has been a victim itself from his behaviour and outbursts. (Child) male sexual abuse victims are likely to turn around and do it to others, moreso than female victims. 

I completely understand that many of you say he is 8 and needs help. That is obvious. However, there is no need for him to continue contact with the OP's toddler for safety reasons.

I'm sorry, but children who exhibit these behaviours at the age of 8 do not go to counseling and are fine once professionals have dealt with them. I have yet to see such a case where such behaviour such as violence towards animals, sexual invitation, extreme violence towards adults, etc. is reformed through counseling. 

I appreciate that there is good faith in you all, being mothers and wanting the best and to 'save' this boy (btw I am not saying that help should not be sought for him, of course the authorities MUST be advised of this behaviour). But for her to allow her child to have contact with this boy, as much as you think supervisation at all times will help, is going to lead to further abuse and I think she knows this.

OP's LO will not be 19 months old forever. OP will not be able to keep an eye on her child 24/7 at age 10, 12, 14... if the OP splits with her OH, that right there can lead to a good 2-4 days a week of unsupervised contact.

Report now. Immediately. You need to be proactive to protect her in the future should shit hit the fan and you split with your OH.


----------



## xemmax

Honestly, I would be alarmed by this behaviour too. You're right to feel protective of your daughter.

But your step son is a victim. He needs protecting. He is being failed by his mother and his father is not doing anywhere near enough to help him or prevent it. If a child can't rely on either of their parents, how are they supposed to be? :(


----------



## Baby France

Whatever happens when your OH walks out to take his son home tonight.

You need to be 100% aware that you have to act on the situation surrounding your stepson.

I think that we all have a duty of care to children. Be it our own, our step children or others. You need to ensure the safety and welfare of your step son.

I don't think this should be a situation where you no longer act or be denied a part in. You NEED to take an active role and stop this before worse happens.


----------



## xemmax

Couldn't agree more Lou!


----------



## Momma.Bear

Baby France said:


> Whatever happens when your OH walks out to take his son home tonight.
> 
> You need to be 100% aware that you have to act on the situation surrounding your stepson.
> 
> I think that we all have a duty of care to children. Be it our own, our step children or others. You need to ensure the safety and welfare of your step son.
> 
> I don't think this should be a situation where you no longer act or be denied a part in. You NEED to take an active role and stop this before worse happens.

OH took SS home hours ago.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

I agree just because he isn't your son you still have a certain responsibility to safeguard his welfare. No one should ever sit back and watch a child be treated this way, I know you are in a difficult situation but this is a child's welfare at risk nothing should prevent him being protected x


----------



## Momma.Bear

Aidan's Mummy said:


> I agree just because he isn't your son you still have a certain responsibility to safeguard his welfare. No one should ever sit back and watch a child be treated this way, I know you are in a difficult situation but this is a child's welfare at risk nothing should prevent him being protected x

The only step i havent taken is calling CAS. 
It's coming to the point that i will have to


----------



## Baby France

Momma.Bear said:


> Baby France said:
> 
> 
> Whatever happens when your OH walks out to take his son home tonight.
> 
> You need to be 100% aware that you have to act on the situation surrounding your stepson.
> 
> I think that we all have a duty of care to children. Be it our own, our step children or others. You need to ensure the safety and welfare of your step son.
> 
> I don't think this should be a situation where you no longer act or be denied a part in. You NEED to take an active role and stop this before worse happens.
> 
> OH took SS home hours ago.Click to expand...

I'd be making enquiries on to who, what, when, where and why to contact tomorrow then to getting this dealt with.

I'd also be telling your OH that this is something that needs dealing with properly and not to be swept under the carpet.


----------



## aliss

I appreciate that a lot of you feel that this can be fixed with love. I see that some have even recommended the OP adopt the child.

I'm sorry, I simply cannot agree. I strongly suggest the OP speak with psychiatric/psychological professionals in this regard. What has been studied over and over in 1000's of cases similar to this boy's behaviour have sadly shown that love and adoption cannot "fix" it. I am not saying he is doomed, please understand that. But the severity of his actions are far beyond the fix of love. You guys must understand... that all those adults that do things like this, a light switch does not flick on at age 18. There are some very serious indicators here of someone with some severe psychiatric illness, childhood conduct disorder, etc. This goes far beyond love.

The OP, again, needs to report this to the professionals (including this most recent incident) and allow them to do what they need.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I will be researching and making the appropriate phone calls tomorrow.


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

Your doing the right thing hun :hugs: x


----------



## Abz1982

Really sound slike your SS has not been taught how to interact with people properly. I bet he has been exposed to something repeatedly and he would lash out over that, and they have doped him up in the hope to hide it. 

It just sounds like there is a lot more to his behaviour than is being let on. If OH does not want full custody, If it was me I would be contacting Social Services and discussing it with them as really the child would probably benefit from a foster carer that is used to this type of child and can give him continuous 1 to 1 attention. 

Something is going on. Something that your OH is not aware of. For the time being, I would not ban SS, but do not let him alone with your daughter - if your daughter is in her own room when he stays over have her in with you. 

And for those that say 8 is too young ot understand..................They do. At 8 I knew what I should and Should not do.


----------



## Jemma_x

I cant really say much that hasnt already been said but its just wrong that an 8 year old is on anti depressants and having councilling. The first thing i thought was that he's been abused himself, do you know what the mothers partners are like? I do feel sorry for you but i want to slap your OH, he needs to take more responsibilty for his son. I really feel for the poor child, he needs some serious help in some form or another.


----------



## Momma.Bear

OH told his ex what happened.
She told SS 'thats gross, dont do that' and sent him to his room.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Jemma_x said:


> I cant really say much that hasnt already been said but its just wrong that an 8 year old is on anti depressants and having councilling. The first thing i thought was that he's been abused himself, do you know what the mothers partners are like? I do feel sorry for you but i want to slap your OH, he needs to take more responsibilty for his son. I really feel for the poor child, he needs some serious help in some form or another.

Ive met one of her exs. He was a genuinely nice guy.
Otherwise, no idea.


----------



## eddjanuary10

How awful, i hope he gets all the right help as clearly he is an extremely troubled little boy. in saying that i understand why u don't want him around your toddler, who knows what else he might do either now or in the future as your lo begins to understand more. very worrying. hope you get some good advice from whoever you contact tomorrow.

:hugs::hugs:


----------



## aliss

Oh ok... CAS in Ontario is what we called MCFD in British Columbia. Good luck with them tomorrow. You can also report 24/7 if you wish, they do have staff overnight.


----------



## xemmax

This really does need reporting to social services (or equivalent) for his sake. He clearly needs support.


----------



## aliss

CAS is the provincial equivalent of your "social services" (it's a bit different but it's the front-line contact).


----------



## louandivy

This poor kid could potentially be SO lucky to have you in his life. You could be the one to finally give him the chance he deserves, I really hope you take this opportunity :hugs:


----------



## mrsthomas623

I have read through the thread with my jaw on the floor with some of these responses- until Aliss came in! (Good to see you back!)

If this was in a more protected area of the forum, I would share my story. All I will say is- OP must protect her daughter, end of. Yes, I think her OH has majorly neglected his son- Yes, I believe he should not be with his mother. I feel bad for this kid BUT the only thing the OP can do is protect her daughter from a disturbed little boy. I would not allow him to be around her; besides maybe going out to lunch on his weekends (meeting up with OH and SS).


----------



## Betheney

i haven' read any comments but i think your actions were perfect!! i think you HAVE TO put the rights of your child before anything else. I hope you don't change your mind and allow him into your home occasionally i would hate for your child to be affected long term by being sexualised too young and i do beleive it is possible at 19 months.

Welcome back Aliss.


----------



## JASMAK

:hugs:


----------



## JASMAK

I have only read to page three, but I would be more worried about all the other things rather than the 'innapropriateness'. I mean, kids are kids...it's normal to be curious. I know it would bother me too, but at the end of the day...it was nothing more than 'hey, see this...touch it'...there was no rubbing, kissing, sexual activity. Nothing screams to me 'abuse'. KWIM? The other stuff is alarming, and I feel really sad for him. I hope that he gets help. He deserves it....he's just a kid.


----------



## PepsiChic

Momma.Bear said:


> xemmax said:
> 
> 
> What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.
> 
> Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.
> 
> I saw it happen.
> He had a hole in the crotch of his pants. He put his finger in the hole and said 'tickletickle' which is what we do to LO's bellybutton and she does the same if she sees yours. LO was right in front of him doing this, she then reached out and copied him and he didn't stop it, just watched her. I then stopped it from happening, i took LO and then directed OH to speak to SS.Click to expand...

Earlier uou said he OLD her to touch it...now your saying she did it of her own accord and he didnt stop her...thats two VERY VERY different things and saying he told her to do it has completely twisted the story :nope:

It doesnt sound form what your said like he told her, or purposely influenced her to do ANYTHING. He tickled himself in a private area as most boys do while growing up, and she saw him do it and reached out to do it too. 


saying he told her to makes him out to be some sick twisted kid when your now saying he didnt tell her to. this story doesnt add up and i think being a protective parent turned this into something its not.


----------



## feisty_filly

mrsthomas623 said:


> I have read through the thread with my jaw on the floor with some of these responses- until Aliss came in! (Good to see you back!)
> 
> If this was in a more protected area of the forum, I would share my story. All I will say is- OP must protect her daughter, end of. Yes, I think her OH has majorly neglected his son- Yes, I believe he should not be with his mother. I feel bad for this kid BUT the only thing the OP can do is protect her daughter from a disturbed little boy. I would not allow him to be around her; besides maybe going out to lunch on his weekends (meeting up with OH and SS).

^^ this


----------



## suzib76

Momma.Bear said:


> xemmax said:
> 
> 
> What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.
> 
> Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.
> 
> I saw it happen.
> He had a hole in the crotch of his pants. He put his finger in the hole and said 'tickletickle' which is what we do to LO's bellybutton and she does the same if she sees yours. LO was right in front of him doing this, she then reached out and copied him and he didn't stop it, just watched her. I then stopped it from happening, i took LO and then directed OH to speak to SS.Click to expand...


this is actually completely different to the picture you painted originally 

you made it sound like he was forcing her to touch him privately

you have created a 17 page thread based on nothing and jumped in to the defensicve at every single person who has dared to offer advice going on what you told them

what a complete waste of time


----------



## lylasmummy

suzib76 said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> xemmax said:
> 
> 
> What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.
> 
> Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.
> 
> I saw it happen.
> He had a hole in the crotch of his pants. He put his finger in the hole and said 'tickletickle' which is what we do to LO's bellybutton and she does the same if she sees yours. LO was right in front of him doing this, she then reached out and copied him and he didn't stop it, just watched her. I then stopped it from happening, i took LO and then directed OH to speak to SS.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> this is actually completely different to the picture you painted originally
> 
> you made it sound like he was forcing her to touch him privately
> 
> you have created a 17 page thread based on nothing and jumped in to the defensicve at every single person who has dared to offer advice going on what you told them
> 
> what a complete waste of timeClick to expand...

Couldnt agree more


----------



## Miss_Bump

Wow just wow!

After reading the rest of this thread after I went to bed last night and the way this poor boys childhood and upbringing has been explained and just gets worse I serious hope this thread is just some sick joke.

If not then that boy needs to go into care :(


----------



## stardust599

Poor boy :-(

Your OH sounds fucking awful. That's his son, who has some serious mental health issues more than likely down to neglect/abuse and your OH is too busy to take time off work? Great father material there!

Report everything to SS and hopefully this little boy will be taken into foster care into a family who will grow to love him and treat him with respect. He doesn't deserve what he has just now - he's 8 and still has a chance at a good life if someone cares enough to step in and help.


----------



## RedRose

Just read the whole thread. I hope you're ok today OP.

I am very surprised at the anger towards your OH for failing his son, because in reality, he has failed his son *and* his daughter.

Does your OH need professional help in dealing with this? I imagine he is sick with fear and confusion, and has shown himself to run away from his problems so far. It is imperative that he steps up and takes a very proactive role in helping his son, for his sake and now for your daughter's sake.

Hand on heart, I would do the same as you in your position. Clearly this dynamic isn't working and your daughter's safety has been compromised. Something has to change.



ETA I think aliss has it spot on.


----------



## feeble

Sorry but it sounds almost completely innocent from how you have described it! He didn't take her into a back room and 'ask' her to touch his penis as was previously insinuated, he would have been sat which meant his penis was far away from the hole in his crotch, and he had a little joke! There is no way a tiny little toddler hand would have tickled his actual bits

The boy is probably freaked out now after being shouted at for something that I actually think is rather normal! It's hardly outrageously worrying sexual behaviour isn't it! 

I would be asking why this eight year old has clothes with holes in, far more than I would be worried about him making an innocent joke with HIS SISTER ffs


----------



## Blah11

Sorry op, i too think you over reacted. Sounds like a silly joke, not behavior bordering on sexual assault!


----------



## KittyVentura

Momma.Bear said:


> Aidan's Mummy said:
> 
> 
> I understand you are concerned about your daughters welfare too, just don't leave him alone with her and keep a close eye on him. x
> 
> *It's almost impossible to be around him the entire time he is here.
> That would mean that I couldn't eat, shower or go outside with the dogs.
> *
> And my biggest point, he did this when i was standing not 5 feet away from them. What would he/has he done when I wasn't around?!Click to expand...

I assume yoru husband is home at the wekeend at times too. Surely between you you can supervise all day? I cannot leave my toddler alone for even a minute during the day (he is climbing now and pretty destructive)... so I have him in the bathroom with me while I use the toilet and when I shower. I have him in the kitchen with me when cooking/eating etc. That's when I am alone with him all day with no-one else to ask to watch him. There's also time when he's asleep to shower if needs be... or getting up before he does. Sorry, this is an awful situation for you to be in... but an inability to supervise 100% of the time is simply not a valid excuse. There are work arounds.

I think your anger at him and the situation is clouding yoru judgement. When you get serious with someone with a child that child becomes your responsibility too in part. Yes you have your daughter to think about but you also have an incredibly tormented 8 yr old stepson who needs your HELP... not banishment. Not excusing his behaviour, I agree it is unacceptable. 

Aliss gave great advice a few pages back about roads to go down and I would personally take that route... but be aware that banning him from your home could send him even deeper into whatever abyss he is in... and as a CHILD... does he deserve that? xx


----------



## Jadey-x

Just read this thread through, its absolutely devastating hearing about this poor boys situation! 

Also I do believe the 'inappropriate sexual behaviour' was made out to be something it wasn't. 

He obviously needs help, and I know its been said but I don't think banning him from the house is the answer

I genuinely hope he gets the help he needs, and you and OH can support him and arrange something that's suitable for everyone.. OH needs to pull his finger out tbh!


----------



## v2007

Wow, I am sorry but whole thread is based on nothing, what both kids have sone was totally innocent and you have made it seem so sordid and twisted!!!!


----------



## sept2010

I think the same as OP I have a daughter and if a 8 yr old boy told her to do sumthin like that i would be bannin him from my home... 

Lets not forget, Ten year olds are gettin girls pregnant these days! I kno a kids around that age, and they are more aware than you think.. Jus my opinion


----------



## mumandco

feeble said:


> Sorry but it sounds almost completely innocent from how you have described it! He didn't take her into a back room and 'ask' her to touch his penis as was previously insinuated, he would have been sat which meant his penis was far away from the hole in his crotch, and he had a little joke! There is no way a tiny little toddler hand would have tickled his actual bits
> 
> The boy is probably freaked out now after being shouted at for something that I actually think is rather normal! It's hardly outrageously worrying sexual behaviour isn't it!
> 
> I would be asking why this eight year old has clothes with holes in, far more than I would be worried about him making an innocent joke with HIS SISTER ffs

I completely agree with this,that is not behaviour I would be concerned about.he was having a little joke and play with his sister not getting off on it BIG difference IMO!


----------



## Andypanda6570

Momma.Bear said:


> It's not that simple because unless you have proof that the parent is incapable, CAS won't do squat.
> Heresay doesnt count.
> It was CAS that allowed her to have SS back when she disappeared for a week after his first birthday for petesakes.

Proof, I think she proved herself to the agency already. You said they wanted her to get that operation so why would they allow her access to her son if she proven time again she isn't fit? I do understand your concern and nobody can judge unless they have been where you are, but your husband sounds like a moron (Sorry) as parents we do anything and everything to protect our children. He should be the one making phone calls and seeking help and get things started. I am so sorry this is happening, but something does not sound right to me. For an 8yr old to be on medication something is going on . I would get your husband to put his thinking cap on and get off his ass and do something. Hope things get sorted :flower::flower::flower:


----------



## LTEx

i'm gonna get some flack for this, but to all the people saying you would still let him near your child, i bet yyou any money if it had happened to yourself you would be saying differently. Its easy for people to say 'dont ban him' as they're not in the situation. I'm sure if people thought their child was in danger they'd do everything they could to protect them. 

If his behaviour is getting worse why not try a different councillor hun? I would not have a child like that annywhere near my LO! I know alot of people wont agree with what ive said but its my opinion. Whether you just stop him going to yours until he has sorted his problems or whether you ban him altogether its your choice.

I understand you want to help him as you feel cos he's your OH's son you should be there, but you've said yourself its your OH responsibility & i think he should seriously have a word with childs mum, school, teachers & also bring it up with the councillor xx


----------



## mumandco

But the context he did it was Not in a worrying way! 

So after last night i think I should ban my nephew for coming over! He bathed with the boy last night (he's 9),I was sorting out some towels and when I turned around zack my 16 month old was attempting to touch my nephews willy my nephew just looked a bit shocked but that was it I just told zack no!
My nephew has not been abused should I ban him coz he didnt stop zack trying to touh him??

If the op ss was pulling his sisters hand to touch him very different and concerning but just doing something that you usually do to belly buttons yes he should know it's wrong but what if he's never been taught it's wrong!

It could be just a joke! I have plenty of what i see as funny stories that some of you would obviousley class as abuse!


----------



## mrsthomas623

I think a lot of you guys are forgetting this is just *another* inappropriate step in his behavior. She has stated that he has been violent with his father and has started directing it toward her LO. Also, he is 8 freaking years old, he knows he shouldn't be encouraging a little girl to touch his penis. Would you all have to same reaction of an * year old came up to your LO at a play place and showed them his penis and told them to "tickle tickle"??? I don't think it would be a laughing matter then. :nope:

There is no room for error when sexual abuse is involved. Abusers just get sneakier and sneakier. For all the OP knows is now that SS has been confronted, he will just try to hide it next time- sneak into her room while shes asleep or something. It does happen.


----------



## Blah11

But he didnt encourage her to touch his penis AT ALL. & yes, the hitting out isnt good but that has obviously come from him bring neglected and no one caring or listening to what he has to say.


----------



## mumandco

It's not sexual abuse though and he's hardly a stranger in a play place! If my nephew did the exact same thing as the op ss I would say "don't do that it's not nice," I certainly wouldn't be freaking out and banning him!
What if the ss doesn't know how to connect to people and that was the only way he felt he could reach out to his sister!


----------



## mrsthomas623

Blah11 said:


> But he didnt encourage her to touch his penis AT ALL. & yes, the hitting out isnt good but that has obviously come from him bring neglected and no one caring or listening to what he has to say.

I guess we will have to agree to disagree about that then. At 8 years old he knows perfectly well how to influence a toddler. He knows she will tickle it if he tells her to "tickle tickle." I am not saying this boy isn't a victim in all this too, but the OP needs to look out for her daughter.


----------



## mrsthomas623

mumandco said:


> It's not sexual abuse though and he's hardly a stranger in a play place! If my nephew did the exact same thing as the op ss I would say "don't do that it's not nice," I certainly wouldn't be freaking out and banning him!
> What if the ss doesn't know how to connect to people and that was the only way he felt he could reach out to his sister!

But your nephew wasn't sitting there encouraging you LO to touch him, your LO was curious with what he saw. :shrug:

The only way he knows how to connect with people is to have them touch his penis? Seriously? :nope:


----------



## mumandco

Perhaps he's never been told that you shouldnt touch people's parts and he thought it was the same a tickling her belly button


----------



## feeble

he didnt touch his penis, SHE didnt touch his penis, he was sat infront of an adult, saw a hole in his clothing and said 'tickle tickle' and put his hand in the hole. His penis wouldnt have been anywhere near it! 

it would be the same if it were a hole in a jumper or a hole in a sock, I very much doubt that 'i am going to get this toddler to touch my penis' went through his mind AT ALL if it did, why did he do it INFRONT of an adult??? 

it wasnt in a back room, or when they were on their own, it was in front of someone and to be honest, i would be happy my step son was engaging with his sister, i might have said 'please dont ask baby to touch people near the crotch because she might do it in the wrong situation' but i certainly wouldnt suggest he was committing a sexual offense and blanket ban him from the family home!!!


----------



## mumandco

And of course only the op knows what her stepson is like but I'm sure there are other ways to control it rather than banning him from the house


----------



## aliss

If the OP suspects some sort of possible sexual misconduct that sets off her "spidey-sense" then she should notify the proper authorities (the ministry). Bearing in mind this boy has such a long history of serious psychiatric issues and hospitalizations, it may be critical information. 

We must also keep in mind that "observed" SA (sexual abuse) by another individual only accounts for a miniscule, if any, portion of SA that is actually perpetrated. I'm not really sure what happened, clearly there is some debate, but the mother did find that "gross" herself, so I will just take on face value that perhaps something inappropriate did occur. 

If it was "innocent" as some of you believe, then that is the place of the boy's established psychiatric workers to still be aware of and help him to understand his boundaries, as well as "red flag" his behaviour. At 8 years old, here in Canada, he is not mentally capable of committing a criminal offense. 

I would like to say, not sure how many of you have spoken with a sexual molester before about their activity? I have, many, many times. They often "know", from society, that the behaviour is inappropriate but they do not believe it actually causes harm to their victim so they continue to perpetrate it. I cannot recall off the top of my head what the recidivism (re-offending) rate for childhood perpetrators is but it's somewhere around %30 (convicted, not actual occurrence) for those who have not sought extensive counseling and lifelong therapy. Those odds alone make it essential for his workers to be aware of any suspicious incidents, so they can help him avoid that 30% bracket IF there is something inappropriate.


----------



## feeble

what a good job we dont all ban our children at the hint of psychological issues. Jasper would have been out the day he realised his daddies willy floated in the bath and pushed it down to see it float back up (and giggled hysterically) perhaps we should have phoned social services immediately about our vile and inappropriate 1 year old...


----------



## mrsthomas623

feeble said:


> he didnt touch his penis, SHE didnt touch his penis, he was sat infront of an adult, saw a hole in his clothing and said 'tickle tickle' and put his hand in the hole. His penis wouldnt have been anywhere near it!
> 
> it would be the same if it were a hole in a jumper or a hole in a sock, I very much doubt that 'i am going to get this toddler to touch my penis' went through his mind AT ALL if it did, why did he do it INFRONT of an adult???
> 
> it wasnt in a back room, or when they were on their own, it was in front of someone and to be honest, i would be happy my step son was engaging with his sister, i might have said 'please dont ask baby to touch people near the crotch because she might do it in the wrong situation' but i certainly wouldnt suggest he was committing a sexual offense and blanket ban him from the family home!!!

I guess we are picturing 2 different scenarios :shrug: She stated she was nearby but that doesn't mean she sat right there watching. Also, the hole in the crotch could be right at his penis or maybe down by his ankle... only the OP could answer this. I remember being in 1st grade and sitting on the floor near a boy when I saw his "peepee" popping out of a hole in his sweat pants. So it is possible that the hole was right at his penis. I agree with ALiss, if it made the mom feel uncomfortable, I trust her gut feeling.

I don't mean to be so offensive or agressive, but I think when you have experienced SA then you are highly sensitive to any situation that may involve it. Ideally getting the boy help would be the first line in help but OP cannot control that. :shrug: So she must do whats best for the child she can protect. I think we all like to think of children as sweet and innocent toddlers like we have but its not always the case. :nope:


----------



## mrsthomas623

feeble said:


> what a good job we dont all ban our children at the hint of psychological issues. Jasper would have been out the day he realised his daddies willy floated in the bath and pushed it down to see it float back up (and giggled hysterically) perhaps we should have phoned social services immediately about our vile and inappropriate 1 year old...

But this child is not a year old! :dohh: He is an 8 year old that has become agressive and violent and now potentially sexually inappropriate.


----------



## feeble

she said she watched him do it... 

please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions. 

i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.


----------



## XfairyhopesX

My god i cant belive people dont think she should stop the little boy from being in the house i bloody well would if that happened to my little one. This does not mean she is saying never let the dad see him and dont encourage help but my god.... keep hin away from the LO is a definite. These deep rooted issues need addressing 100% but not in the company of a baby!!!!! OP you are soooo right on this xxx


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## tummymummy

I dont want to sound like a cow but probably will because im crap at expressing what i mean :)
I can understand the op worries but if it was one of her children acting inappropriately towards one of her other children she would probably just explain why you shouldnt do that and move forward, there would most certainly be no talk of banning them. I think this child has some issues and doesnt need banning imagine trying to explain that to an 8 year old it makes me sad. When my step daughter comes i just treeat her as my own and when she throws a train at my lo head i explain you dont do that andd she gets a time out and when she trashes things and breaks things she gets told off same as i would my own. We are a family unit when i met my oh i took on him and his child same as he did mine xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## mrsthomas623

feeble said:


> she said she watched him do it...
> 
> please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions.
> 
> i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.

I was not making any assumptions about you. :shrug: The OP stated herself, I believe, that she had been involved in some kind of sexual abuse- I don't have the time to search for the one little post. That is why I said the people who have been involved with it are usually highly sensitive about it. I know I am with my child, which is why he is not left with other people than the few I trust.

I get what you guys are saying but I believe if the mom gets a bad feeling about it- its not right.


----------



## XfairyhopesX

feeble said:


> what a good job we dont all ban our children at the hint of psychological issues. Jasper would have been out the day he realised his daddies willy floated in the bath and pushed it down to see it float back up (and giggled hysterically) perhaps we should have phoned social services immediately about our vile and inappropriate 1 year old...


This is not necessary!!! :nope:


----------



## xemmax

feeble said:


> she said she watched him do it...
> 
> please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions.
> 
> i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.

I agree with you. Just because you disagree with the OP it shouldn't be assumed you have no experience of SA.


----------



## feeble

mrsthomas623 said:


> feeble said:
> 
> 
> she said she watched him do it...
> 
> please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions.
> 
> i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.
> 
> I was not making any assumptions about you. :shrug: The OP stated herself, I believe, that she had been involved in some kind of sexual abuse- I don't have the time to search for the one little post. That is why I said the people who have been involved with it are usually highly sensitive about it. I know I am with my child, which is why he is not left with other people than the few I trust.
> 
> I get what you guys are saying but I believe if the mom gets a bad feeling about it- its not right.Click to expand...

It sounds to me like the OP has issues with the step son other than this. Which do need addressing

I would be the first to agree, if there were ANY other signs of sexual abuse or ANY sort of abuse towards the child, but as far as we know, it is just this one incident which could have been the start of something sinister, but could well have been a misplaced joke between brother and sister. 

Is that really enough of a reason to ban the child entirely from the house? 

To me, it seems like a good excuse to not have the boy around, who is clearly labelled as a hinderance by his father, mother and now step mother and by all accounts sounds a bit confused and unhappy in life. 

Its tragic, for the boy.


----------



## mrsthomas623

feeble said:


> mrsthomas623 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> feeble said:
> 
> 
> she said she watched him do it...
> 
> please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions.
> 
> i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.
> 
> I was not making any assumptions about you. :shrug: The OP stated herself, I believe, that she had been involved in some kind of sexual abuse- I don't have the time to search for the one little post. That is why I said the people who have been involved with it are usually highly sensitive about it. I know I am with my child, which is why he is not left with other people than the few I trust.
> 
> I get what you guys are saying but I believe if the mom gets a bad feeling about it- its not right.Click to expand...
> 
> It sounds to me like the OP has issues with the step son other than this. Which do need addressing
> 
> I would be the first to agree, if there were ANY other signs of sexual abuse or ANY sort of abuse towards the child, but as far as we know, it is just this one incident which could have been the start of something sinister, but could well have been a misplaced joke between brother and sister.
> 
> Is that really enough of a reason to ban the child entirely from the house?
> 
> To me, it seems like a good excuse to not have the boy around, who is clearly labelled as a hinderance by his father, mother and now step mother and by all accounts sounds a bit confused and unhappy in life.
> 
> Its tragic, for the boy.Click to expand...

I agree with you that this boy has been let down completely. It breaks my heart to read about his past and his parents. From what the OP has posted though, she has no control over this little boy, ex- to be able to get him help. Her OH doesn't want the boy, his mom should not even be allowed near him. Her hands are tied with trying to get him help in the 2 days every other week she sees him. His behavior seems to be escalating and she feels that she needs to protect her daughter. She is not cutting off all contact with him, just not allowing him in her house. He will still get time with his father.

I personally would run far away from this whole situation with my LO, as her OH has shown he has no interest in being this boys father, in a REAL way. :cry:


----------



## mrsthomas623

xemmax said:


> feeble said:
> 
> 
> she said she watched him do it...
> 
> please dont make assumptions on what i have or have not experienced, I am not about to discuss my personal life on the internet but i would thank you for not jumping to conclusions.
> 
> i just cannot see 'how' this was sexually inappropriate, asking a child to touch your penis is innapropriate, but that didnt happen.
> 
> I agree with you. Just because you disagree with the OP it shouldn't be assumed you have no experience of SA.Click to expand...

I wasn't trying to imply that, I was just trying to give reason why the OP may be highly sensitive to certain behaviors.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Well ladies, good morning.
I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.

The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'

He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.

Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.

For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.

Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.

If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.

This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.

This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.

Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.

Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!

Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.

I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.

God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!

:nope::nope::nope:

Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.


----------



## indy and lara

I haven't had time to read through all this but I have one comment really to make. It is all of our responsibility to make sure that children are safe. Not knowing the ins and outs of the actual incident makes it hard to judge but I will say that inappropriate sexualised behaviour is a big marker that a child has themselves experienced sexual abuse. It may well be that it was the type of natural curiosity that children sometimes act on or it may well be something far more sinister. However, while you are protecting your LO but PLEASE PLEASE do not just ignore what may or may not be happening to your SS. Your DH needs to man up and start taking control here. This is his child, whether he was planned is pretty irrelevant. If there is any suggestion that your SS has experienced sexual abuse then your DH needs to get him the hell out of his home situation. 

There can be no excuse for anyone ignoring a child who is at risk. None.


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...

Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'

If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?


----------



## indy and lara

Kids lie for lots of reasons. Usually if they think that they will get into trouble.

It breaks my heart that people give up on children. It is not too late for him to get the help he needs in life.


----------



## Momma.Bear

indy and lara said:


> I haven't had time to read through all this but I have one comment really to make. It is all of our responsibility to make sure that children are safe. Not knowing the ins and outs of the actual incident makes it hard to judge but I will say that inappropriate sexualised behaviour is a big marker that a child has themselves experienced sexual abuse. It may well be that it was the type of natural curiosity that children sometimes act on or it may well be something far more sinister. However, while you are protecting your LO but PLEASE PLEASE do not just ignore what may or may not be happening to your SS. Your DH needs to man up and start taking control here. This is his child, whether he was planned is pretty irrelevant. If there is any suggestion that your SS has experienced sexual abuse then your DH needs to get him the hell out of his home situation.
> 
> There can be no excuse for anyone ignoring a child who is at risk. None.

I'm not denying anything you've said.
But, I am protecting my LO. 
In terms of suggestion that SS was/is abused, there is nothing other than this act that suggests that.


----------



## Momma.Bear

indy and lara said:


> Kids lie for lots of reasons. Usually if they think that they will get into trouble.
> 
> It breaks my heart that people give up on children. It is not too late for him to get the help he needs in life.

I've TRIED to get him help.
I will CONTINUE to try.
He is just not to be in my home!


----------



## indy and lara

Momma.Bear said:


> indy and lara said:
> 
> 
> I haven't had time to read through all this but I have one comment really to make. It is all of our responsibility to make sure that children are safe. Not knowing the ins and outs of the actual incident makes it hard to judge but I will say that inappropriate sexualised behaviour is a big marker that a child has themselves experienced sexual abuse. It may well be that it was the type of natural curiosity that children sometimes act on or it may well be something far more sinister. However, while you are protecting your LO but PLEASE PLEASE do not just ignore what may or may not be happening to your SS. Your DH needs to man up and start taking control here. This is his child, whether he was planned is pretty irrelevant. If there is any suggestion that your SS has experienced sexual abuse then your DH needs to get him the hell out of his home situation.
> 
> There can be no excuse for anyone ignoring a child who is at risk. None.
> 
> I'm not denying anything you've said.
> But, I am protecting my LO.
> In terms of suggestion that SS was/is abused, there is nothing other than this act that suggests that.Click to expand...

I agree you are protecting your child but SS is your husband's son too. Who is protecting him? You have said he is aggressive, violent and out of control. This is behaviour which would suggest there is something seriously amiss.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Are we all missing the point that I AM TRYING TO HELP THIS BOY?! But i am protecting my LO at this time!
There is only so much that I can do as a "stepmother" especially when SS's MOTHER won't let me help! According to her it's non of my business and I need to keep my nose out of her business! She says the same to OH when he tries to ask about appointments, etc. OH doesn't even know where SS's doctor is because his ex moves around so much! 

FFS, stop making ME out to be the badguy because I'm protecting my LO! I'm doing what I can to help SS, but like I said, there is ONLY SO MUCH THAT I CAN DO!


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...
> 
> Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'
> 
> If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
> But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?Click to expand...

Either he didn't want a bollocking from playing with a hole in his trousers or that he saw your overreaction and suddenly realised it must have been wrong to do it, so then lie about it.

I lived next door to my nan when i was a kid. I walked my baby brother round there when i was about 10, he was 4. We always went to my nan's so i didn't see anything wrong. But when mum couldn't find me she went loopy and from her reaction i knew then that i was wrong, i didn't fully understand exactly what it was that was wrong but i realised that i was going to get a bollocking so i lied and said i didn't take him, i said he went on his own and i went to find him.

Kids lie if they think they're gonna get a telling off.


----------



## Momma.Bear

indy and lara said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> indy and lara said:
> 
> 
> I haven't had time to read through all this but I have one comment really to make. It is all of our responsibility to make sure that children are safe. Not knowing the ins and outs of the actual incident makes it hard to judge but I will say that inappropriate sexualised behaviour is a big marker that a child has themselves experienced sexual abuse. It may well be that it was the type of natural curiosity that children sometimes act on or it may well be something far more sinister. However, while you are protecting your LO but PLEASE PLEASE do not just ignore what may or may not be happening to your SS. Your DH needs to man up and start taking control here. This is his child, whether he was planned is pretty irrelevant. If there is any suggestion that your SS has experienced sexual abuse then your DH needs to get him the hell out of his home situation.
> 
> There can be no excuse for anyone ignoring a child who is at risk. None.
> 
> I'm not denying anything you've said.
> But, I am protecting my LO.
> In terms of suggestion that SS was/is abused, there is nothing other than this act that suggests that.Click to expand...
> 
> I agree you are protecting your child but SS is your husband's son too. Who is protecting him? You have said he is aggressive, violent and out of control. This is behaviour which would suggest there is something seriously amiss.Click to expand...

No one is denying the child has issues.
His mother is a cow & it's hard for my OH when his ex won't tell him anything!
SS had a CT scan, OH asked how it went, all his ex said was "fine" and then "i have to go" and hung up.
Yes, my OH needs to step up a bit more, but it's incredibly difficult when he's dealing with such a POS woman like his ex.


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...
> 
> Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'
> 
> If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
> But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?Click to expand...
> 
> Either he didn't want a bollocking from playing with a hole in his trousers or that he saw your overreaction and suddenly realised it must have been wrong to do it, so then lie about it.
> 
> I lived next door to my nan when i was a kid. I walked my baby brother round there when i was about 10, he was 4. We always went to my nan's so i didn't see anything wrong. But when mum couldn't find me she went loopy and from her reaction i knew then that i was wrong, i didn't fully understand exactly what it was that was wrong but i realised that i was going to get a bollocking so i lied and said i didn't take him, i said he went on his own and i went to find him.
> 
> Kids lie if they think they're gonna get a telling off.Click to expand...

The only reaction i had directed at SS was saying "what are you doing?!" and then i moved my LO & went and spoke to my OH.


----------



## BethK

I think TBH people can write until they're blue in their face but you wont budge so the only saviour for this boy is Social Services. You NEED to contact them and KEEP on at them, hopefully they will take this boy into care and he will get the help he needs with the aggression.

He's got a mother who couldn't give a crap, a father who needs to grow a pair and a step mum who see's him as a sexual predator at 8! He NEEDS someone to be on his side and he's not going to get that from you lot.


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...
> 
> Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'
> 
> If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
> But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?Click to expand...
> 
> Either he didn't want a bollocking from playing with a hole in his trousers or that he saw your overreaction and suddenly realised it must have been wrong to do it, so then lie about it.
> 
> I lived next door to my nan when i was a kid. I walked my baby brother round there when i was about 10, he was 4. We always went to my nan's so i didn't see anything wrong. But when mum couldn't find me she went loopy and from her reaction i knew then that i was wrong, i didn't fully understand exactly what it was that was wrong but i realised that i was going to get a bollocking so i lied and said i didn't take him, i said he went on his own and i went to find him.
> 
> Kids lie if they think they're gonna get a telling off.Click to expand...
> 
> The only reaction i had directed at SS was saying "what are you doing?!" and then i moved my LO & went and spoke to my OH.Click to expand...

It's not what you say to a child it's HOW you say it. Surely you know that?!


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> I think TBH people can write until they're blue in their face but you wont budge so the only saviour for this boy is Social Services. You NEED to contact them and KEEP on at them, hopefully they will take this boy into care and he will get the help he needs with the aggression.
> 
> He's got a mother who couldn't give a crap, a father who needs to grow a pair and a step mum who see's him as a sexual predator at 8! He NEEDS someone to be on his side and he's not going to get that from you lot.

I've already stated in the thread that I think he'd do best in a home that has the ability (or i guess education) to deal with his issues. That he's not getting what he needs & he deserves somewhere that can help.

But I'm a horrible person right?


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...
> 
> Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'
> 
> If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
> But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?Click to expand...
> 
> Either he didn't want a bollocking from playing with a hole in his trousers or that he saw your overreaction and suddenly realised it must have been wrong to do it, so then lie about it.
> 
> I lived next door to my nan when i was a kid. I walked my baby brother round there when i was about 10, he was 4. We always went to my nan's so i didn't see anything wrong. But when mum couldn't find me she went loopy and from her reaction i knew then that i was wrong, i didn't fully understand exactly what it was that was wrong but i realised that i was going to get a bollocking so i lied and said i didn't take him, i said he went on his own and i went to find him.
> 
> Kids lie if they think they're gonna get a telling off.Click to expand...
> 
> The only reaction i had directed at SS was saying "what are you doing?!" and then i moved my LO & went and spoke to my OH.Click to expand...
> 
> It's not what you say to a child it's HOW you say it. Surely you know that?!Click to expand...

Yes, thank you for questioning my knowledge/parenting there!
I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I simply asked what he was doing. Moved my LO and proceeded to go and speak to my OH.


----------



## BethK

[/QUOTE]

I've already stated in the thread that I think he'd do best in a home that has the ability (or i guess education) to deal with his issues. That he's not getting what he needs & he deserves somewhere that can help.

But I'm a horrible person right?[/QUOTE]


You don't need to ask that question as my previous replies already highlight what i think.


----------



## indy and lara

If your husband has worries/ concerns and his ex is restricting or making access difficult then he need to go straight to Social Services. It is not about people thinking you are horrible. It is about the fact that this child needs help immediately and no excuses are really acceptable as to why he is still living in this situation.


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> Well ladies, good morning.
> I've read through the responses, and I'm going to try to reply to what I can remember.
> 
> The hole in his pants was right beside his penis. He was sitting on the couch, feet on the couch and his legs open (as most children do) & he 'tickletickled' the hole knowing that my LO would follow suit, as that's what we do with bellybuttons.
> It was NOT innocent, he is 8 years old and well aware of what is 'right and wrong'
> 
> He will NOT be allowed to enter my home under any circumstance. He is NOT allowed anywhere near my LO.
> 
> Some of you said it might have just been a joke between siblings, are you forgetting my LO is 19 MONTHS OLD? & it being a 'joke' is just ridiculous.
> 
> For those of you saying, and being incredibly ridiculous, about banning your own children because your LO touched your OH's penis in the bathtub or for whatever reason - BIG difference here being, this is an 8 year old CHILD encouraging a 19 month old TODDLER to touch his penis. Not a TODDLER touching you OH because they don't know any better.
> 
> Those of you saying I'm overreacting, that this is nothing more than an innocent thing, or just a child crying out for help - let's have a child come into YOUR home and do something like this to your TODDLER and see how you'd react. I'm doubting as calm and collected as you're stating here.
> 
> If it were a situation of one of my children doing this to another, I would not just 'discuss it being wrong and move on'. My child would be in intensive therapy to get to the root of the actions. And furthermore, the majority of you are stating that most likely he has seen something he shouldn't have, or has been abused - I can guarantee that MY children will NOT have seen something they shouldn't have, and they aren't around anyone who could/would molest or assault them because I'm protective, and that is why he is being banned from my household.
> 
> This is becoming a pissing contest of who's right and who's wrong, and frankly, it's getting a bit silly. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion - i wrote this thread in order to get some opinions, but now with the lashing of myself and my OH, and claiming that 'love' will fix this child - I no longer need/want advice.
> 
> This child (my SS) is violent and becoming aggressive with my LO.
> He has now been inappropriate with my LO.
> He misbehaves and no number of 'time outs' or 'i love you, you don't have to act this way' will more or less 'fix him'.
> 
> Thank you all for your time (or waste of time, as some of you have stated) but this is really enough.
> 
> Just wanted to add, one of you stated you'd be more concerned about why an 8 year old had a hole in his clothing than his actions?! Really?! You'd rather know why a child has a hole in their pants then why they are encouraging a toddler to touch their penis. That's astounding!
> 
> Sounds to me like he was messing around with the hole in his trousers (i used to pick at holes in my clothes to make them bigger. Also used to do it with wall paper) and encouraged your LO to do the same. I doubt he was thinking "Touch my penis sexually", probably more laughing about being a hole in his trousers.
> 
> I think you've overreacted but like you say, you're not interested, you've banned him from your house and that's it. I just hope the boy gets the support he deserves from Social Services and finds a family that deserves him as obviously his mother and father don't.
> 
> God help your LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!
> 
> :nope::nope::nope:
> 
> Maybe you should request this thread gets deleted.Click to expand...
> 
> Now you're being ridiculous in terms of 'God help you LO if she ever gets a sibling to touch her skin!'
> 
> If it was him just playing with the hole in his pants, then there would have been no need to lie about it when he was asked. Simple.
> But, he lied, said he didn't do anything. My OH asked him what happened, and said what I saw, and SS said that it didn't happen. So please, tell me why a boy who was just innocently playing with a hole in his pants would lie when questioned?Click to expand...
> 
> Either he didn't want a bollocking from playing with a hole in his trousers or that he saw your overreaction and suddenly realised it must have been wrong to do it, so then lie about it.
> 
> I lived next door to my nan when i was a kid. I walked my baby brother round there when i was about 10, he was 4. We always went to my nan's so i didn't see anything wrong. But when mum couldn't find me she went loopy and from her reaction i knew then that i was wrong, i didn't fully understand exactly what it was that was wrong but i realised that i was going to get a bollocking so i lied and said i didn't take him, i said he went on his own and i went to find him.
> 
> Kids lie if they think they're gonna get a telling off.Click to expand...
> 
> The only reaction i had directed at SS was saying "what are you doing?!" and then i moved my LO & went and spoke to my OH.Click to expand...
> 
> It's not what you say to a child it's HOW you say it. Surely you know that?!Click to expand...
> 
> Yes, thank you for questioning my knowledge/parenting there!
> I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I simply asked what he was doing. Moved my LO and proceeded to go and speak to my OH.Click to expand...

You just don't seem to get it. You don't need to yell and scream to intimidate an 8 year old boy! Jeez!


----------



## mumandco

I think your oh needs to step up HELL of a lot more! If he knows is son is being abused he should be phoning the relevant people and certainly not taking him back to his possible abuser! If my oh had a child from a previous relationship and was just giving up on them I would question him as a person and ability to be a father


----------



## RedRose

Feel really sorry for the OP right now.


----------



## Momma.Bear

mumandco said:


> I think your oh needs to step up HELL of a lot more! If he knows is son is being abused he should be phoning the relevant people and certainly not taking him back to his possible abuser! If my oh had a child from a previous relationship and was just giving up on them I would question him as a person and ability to be a father

Um, no one knows if SS is being abused or not.
It's just that some of the posters assume if he's behaving like this he must be being abused.


----------



## lisa35

Poor boy sounds like he's had a bad time of it. He is your stepson but what if he was your DD how would you deal with it then? Would you not let him back in your home?


----------



## Momma.Bear

This whole thing started with my asking "what would you do?"
And has now become "You shouldn't abandon a child that needs help" and more or less stating that I'm a bad person because I want to protect my LO from a child with issues.
No one is abadoning him, he is just not welcome in my home where my LO is, her safe place.
This isn't just THIS incident, as I've posted, it's his behaviour in general, he's becoming aggressive towards my LO. I am protecting MY CHILD. 

If you think that bombarding me with "this kid needs help" will sway my choice in not allowing him in my home, you're wrong.
And I'd appreciate if you would all stop badmouthing my OH, I'm well aware he needs to step up, I've told him that. There is no need to talk shit about him over and over. I'm sure your OH's aren't perfect, are they?

I am aware SS needs help, and I am going to do as much as I can to help him.


----------



## mumandco

Momma.Bear said:


> mumandco said:
> 
> 
> I think your oh needs to step up HELL of a lot more! If he knows is son is being abused he should be phoning the relevant people and certainly not taking him back to his possible abuser! If my oh had a child from a previous relationship and was just giving up on them I would question him as a person and ability to be a father
> 
> Um, no one knows if SS is being abused or not.
> It's just that some of the posters assume if he's behaving like this he must be being abused.Click to expand...


Well he obviously has problems from what you've said about his behaviour,and your oh doesn't seem to be doing nowhere near enough to protect or help his son


----------



## Momma.Bear

lisa35 said:


> Poor boy sounds like he's had a bad time of it. He is your stepson but what if he was your DD how would you deal with it then? Would you not let him back in your home?

If he was mine, I would be getting him help. But he's my STEPSON and there is only so much I can do in terms of getting him the help he needs.
When the day is over, it's really up to his MOTHER to take him to appointments and such, YES my OH has a hand in it too, but he works 2 hours from his son, and it's not easy for him to take time off work. And NO that is not an excuse, it's the truth. And to add to that, his ex DOES NOT tell him if SS has an appointment, she does not tell him anything that occurs at these appointments, in her opinion, it isn't my OH's business. 
My daughter was in the hospital my OH wasn't able to come because he couldn't leave his work. 

If he was mine, he would be going for a psych evaluation and I would be taking the necessary steps to helping him. But he isn't mine, and that choice is not MINE!


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> This whole thing started with my asking "what would you do?"
> And has now become "You shouldn't abandon a child that needs help" and more or less stating that I'm a bad person because I want to protect my LO from a child with issues.
> No one is abadoning him, he is just not welcome in my home where my LO is, her safe place.
> This isn't just THIS incident, as I've posted, it's his behaviour in general, he's becoming aggressive towards my LO. I am protecting MY CHILD.
> 
> If you think that bombarding me with "this kid needs help" will sway my choice in not allowing him in my home, you're wrong.
> And I'd appreciate if you would all stop badmouthing my OH, I'm well aware he needs to step up, I've told him that. There is no need to talk shit about him over and over. I'm sure your OH's aren't perfect, are they?
> 
> I am aware SS needs help, and I am going to do as much as I can to help him.

Can you just say exactly WHAT it is that you're doing to help him?


----------



## Momma.Bear

mumandco said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> mumandco said:
> 
> 
> I think your oh needs to step up HELL of a lot more! If he knows is son is being abused he should be phoning the relevant people and certainly not taking him back to his possible abuser! If my oh had a child from a previous relationship and was just giving up on them I would question him as a person and ability to be a father
> 
> Um, no one knows if SS is being abused or not.
> It's just that some of the posters assume if he's behaving like this he must be being abused.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Well he obviously has problems from what you've said about his behaviour,and your oh doesn't seem to be doing nowhere near enough to protect or help his sonClick to expand...

He DOES have problems. And NO my OH doesn't do enough, but I'm not really sure how ya'll expect me to FORCE my OH to do things? He's a grown man.


----------



## mumandco

Sorry only now I'm seeing your last post,no my oh Is far from perfect but I know that if we ever split he would step up to the mark regardless,and if the boys appointments and I just said they went "fine" he would be finding out the answers!

Anyway to answer your original question what I would do is not ban him from my home but to limit his time there and your ohs parents house that way the time he spends in your house he can be supervised with your daughter


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> This whole thing started with my asking "what would you do?"
> And has now become "You shouldn't abandon a child that needs help" and more or less stating that I'm a bad person because I want to protect my LO from a child with issues.
> No one is abadoning him, he is just not welcome in my home where my LO is, her safe place.
> This isn't just THIS incident, as I've posted, it's his behaviour in general, he's becoming aggressive towards my LO. I am protecting MY CHILD.
> 
> If you think that bombarding me with "this kid needs help" will sway my choice in not allowing him in my home, you're wrong.
> And I'd appreciate if you would all stop badmouthing my OH, I'm well aware he needs to step up, I've told him that. There is no need to talk shit about him over and over. I'm sure your OH's aren't perfect, are they?
> 
> I am aware SS needs help, and I am going to do as much as I can to help him.
> 
> Can you just say exactly WHAT it is that you're doing to help him?Click to expand...

I have tried speaking to his mother, no avail.
I have spoken to my OH's aunt who is in contact with OH's ex and asked her to speak to SS's mother, as his behaviour is getting worse.
I have researched FREE councilling, so that the claim of "i can't afford it" can't happen & directed it to SS's mother.
I have gone when SS was in hospital and asked his mother what was going on, and what we can do to help, in which she literally didn't respond to me. (I couldn't speak to nurses/doctors as I'm not his guardian/parent)
I have spoken to OH's parents, so that when they are with SS they can help in terms of making sure he's alright.
I have spoken to SS myself, told him that if he needs to talk, I'm here to listen & when he misbehaves, I sit him down and try to get to the bottom of it. 
I have spoken to trained professionals and asked how I can help in this situation and everything that they've directed me to do, I've tried.
I will continue to research as much as I can to help this little boy, but like i said before and I will say again, I AM HIS STEP MOTHER AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT I CAN DO!


----------



## Momma.Bear

mumandco said:


> Sorry only now I'm seeing your last post,no my oh Is far from perfect but I know that if we ever split he would step up to the mark regardless,and if the boys appointments and I just said they went "fine" he would be finding out the answers!
> 
> Anyway to answer your original question what I would do is not ban him from my home but to limit his time there and your ohs parents house that way the time he spends in your house he can be supervised with your daughter

My OH's parent's house is over an hour from my home. So splitting the time between, wouldn't really work ATM, as it's winter & they're over an hour away.


----------



## indy and lara

Honestly I cannot quite believe this thread. We are not talking about an OH who doesn't do the dishes here, we are talking about a child who is possibly in a very inappropriate and possibly dangerous home situation. There is some indication from the behaviour you are describing that he may have been abused. Quite frankly I would be expecting my husband to move heaven and earth to sort this out, regardless of his work situation.

As adults it is our responsibility to ensure that our children are safe. I can understand your priority being your LO but your husband has another child that he needs to be taking responsibility for too. Too many children in this world are left to deal with horrific situations because it is too hard for the adults who should be making sure that they are safe. If we don't step up as adults, regardless of how tough it is, who will help them?


----------



## Momma.Bear

mumandco said:


> Sorry only now I'm seeing your last post,no my oh Is far from perfect but I know that if we ever split he would step up to the mark regardless,and if the boys appointments and I just said they went "fine" he would be finding out the answers!
> 
> Anyway to answer your original question what I would do is not ban him from my home but to limit his time there and your ohs parents house that way the time he spends in your house he can be supervised with your daughter

In regards to "stepping up to the plate" 
My OH and his ex split with SS was 1. 
My OH and his ex at the time didn't have a custody agreement.
My OH had his son everyweekend and every holiday.
It was only the beginning of last year, that his ex took my OH to court for a custody agreement & she put in place the every other weekend.
My OH has tried to take SS more often, but his ex will not let him, always says "we're busy".
My OH has even offered to go to his son's during the week and take him out for dinner, movie, etc and again, his ex won't allow it.


----------



## Momma.Bear

indy and lara said:


> Honestly I cannot quite believe this thread. We are not talking about an OH who doesn't do the dishes here, we are talking about a child who is possibly in a very inappropriate and possibly dangerous home situation. There is some indication from the behaviour you are describing that he may have been abused. Quite frankly I would be expecting my husband to move heaven and earth to sort this out, regardless of his work situation.
> 
> As adults it is our responsibility to ensure that our children are safe. I can understand your priority being your LO but your husband has another child that he needs to be taking responsibility for too. Too many children in this world are left to deal with horrific situations because it is too hard for the adults who should be making sure that they are safe. If we don't step up as adults, regardless of how tough it is, who will help them?

I've done what I can. There is only so much I can do with OH's ex won't let me even speak to her in regard to SS.
My OH needs to step up, I've told him that. But like i said, he's a grown man and I can't force him into doing things. Do I agree that he needs to do more, yes. But, I'm only one person and can't MAKE someone do anything.


----------



## Momma.Bear

And I'm not sure how many of you are Canadians, but, CAS doesn't work quite as hard as Social Services does.
If there is no proof that something bad is going on, they won't remove the child.

I've actually called CAS on a couple before, as they were doing drugs and their child was about a month old. They weren't taking care of their child properly.
CAS showed up to their home, couldn't see anything wrong and actually ended up donating gifts for xmas and birthdays to this couple. And that was it.
The mother found out it was myself who called CAS, and actually THANKED me. Because she got an XBOX and a bunch of stuff they couldn't afford.


----------



## Natasha2605

Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him. 

I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).

I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.

:hugs:

ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> This whole thing started with my asking "what would you do?"
> And has now become "You shouldn't abandon a child that needs help" and more or less stating that I'm a bad person because I want to protect my LO from a child with issues.
> No one is abadoning him, he is just not welcome in my home where my LO is, her safe place.
> This isn't just THIS incident, as I've posted, it's his behaviour in general, he's becoming aggressive towards my LO. I am protecting MY CHILD.
> 
> If you think that bombarding me with "this kid needs help" will sway my choice in not allowing him in my home, you're wrong.
> And I'd appreciate if you would all stop badmouthing my OH, I'm well aware he needs to step up, I've told him that. There is no need to talk shit about him over and over. I'm sure your OH's aren't perfect, are they?
> 
> I am aware SS needs help, and I am going to do as much as I can to help him.
> 
> Can you just say exactly WHAT it is that you're doing to help him?Click to expand...
> 
> I have tried speaking to his mother, no avail.
> I have spoken to my OH's aunt who is in contact with OH's ex and asked her to speak to SS's mother, as his behaviour is getting worse.
> I have researched FREE councilling, so that the claim of "i can't afford it" can't happen & directed it to SS's mother.
> I have gone when SS was in hospital and asked his mother what was going on, and what we can do to help, in which she literally didn't respond to me. (I couldn't speak to nurses/doctors as I'm not his guardian/parent)
> I have spoken to OH's parents, so that when they are with SS they can help in terms of making sure he's alright.
> I have spoken to SS myself, told him that if he needs to talk, I'm here to listen & when he misbehaves, I sit him down and try to get to the bottom of it.
> I have spoken to trained professionals and asked how I can help in this situation and everything that they've directed me to do, I've tried.
> I will continue to research as much as I can to help this little boy, but like i said before and I will say again, I AM HIS STEP MOTHER AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT I CAN DO!Click to expand...

Sounds like you've done a lot of 'research' and that's it.
Oh apart from asking OH's parents to check he's ok when they see him.

Have you thought about calling SOCIAL SERVICES? I know it's been mentioned MANY times in this thread but you've not said anywhere anything about it.


----------



## TigerLady

And everyone... BREATHE!

First, can I say that if you feel THAT strongly that the OP is not doing the right thing, just state that and leave the thread. You don't have to keep bashing and getting more harsh with personal attacks. The bottom line is, as only an online poster in a forum, you can't force her or anyone else to help this child, no matter how much you'd like to. State your feels and move on. Don't think you can bully someone into seeing things your way. :shrug:

To the OP:

Personally, I have to agree with you. If this were an isolated incident, I would probably be trying to make sense of it without forbidding SS in my home. However, it is not. It is the "straw that broke the camel's back" so to speak. And it is scary. Very scary.

I can't count the number of times I have heard abuse victims say "Why didn't my mom protect me?? She knew what was happening and she didn't protect me??" What are you supposed to do, wait until his behavior becomes outright and overtly abusive and then take action? No. This is a warning sign. A red flag. You are right to keep your LO from your SS until his behavior can be changed and he can be trusted.

I also understand how your hands are primarily tied. You are just a step mother without any legal power. I would be terribly frustrated in your situation. Obviously the mom is going to do anything but harm this poor boy further. And, for whatever reason, your OH feels overwhelmed and at a loss as to how to help him. So, he is mostly burying his head in the sand. It's horribly frustrating.

What I would do:

Tell OH that he needs to continue to see the boy, but at his own house and not yours. You'd be happy to have him to your house for shorter periods of time during that weekend, say for dinner or an outing as a family or whatever. But he cannot be at your house full time around LO where he cannot be fully supervised. 

Tell OH that he needs to start being more proactive (again! as clearly you have already done this). He is his father and has certain legal rights. He can call one of the boy's therapists and set up a meeting between them. He can go to the therapist and explain all his concerns, including this incident. My guess is all these therapists aren't working with all the right information. The boy's mom is probably not communicating how serious this boy's behavior is. Your OH needs to make it clear to those who are trained to help his son.

Call CAS. For sure. You may be the only one that can get the ball rolling to get this boy the help he desperately needs. That much is in your power. Whether they do anything or not, is out of your hands.

And, just a side note, for those that were so shocked that an 8 year old is on anti-depressants, I am not. They can be used to treat things other than depression. They are SSRIs... which mean they force your brain to not suck up all the serotonin it has. It forces your brain to have a more natural level of serotonin in it. That serotonin does a variety of things. With his behavior difficulties, an SSRI might not be an inappropriate drug. :shrug:

However, it is clear his behavior issues come from more than just biology. They are coming from his home life. :( He clearly has a crap mother. The sad truth of the matter is that if he is allowed to continue in her sole custody, he is likely a doomed child. :( You, as his step mother, have very limited ability to force a change in that. If I were you, I'd do EVERYthing I could to get him away from his mother and into care. Including stressing to your OH what a horrible person he child is turning out to be and it will be HIS fault if he allows it to continue. 

But, at the end of the day, there is only so much you can legally do to get him the help he needs. Contacting CAS and being very clear and concerned is your next step. Hopefully they will see fit to help this poor, desperate boy.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Natasha2605 said:


> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.

My OH has spoken to a lawyer about custody.
His lawyer told him that unless there are signs that [OH's ex] is an unfit mother, it's unlikely that the courts will remove [SS] from her custody. 
And unfit being, SS not eating, not having clothing, not attending school regularily, not having a home to live in, etc.
My OH plans to speak with his lawyer again.


----------



## XfairyhopesX

OP take no notice of this utter rammle, i agree about the fact this child maybe disturbed and requires help but your priority is your LO... cannot believe my ears here tbh!!!!

It is an outrage!!!! xx


----------



## BethK

Natasha2605 said:


> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.

From OP's posts I think that she would rather go to hell than apply for custody unfortunately. Seems to really have something against him. Although Step relationships must be hard if they're not your own blood.


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> This whole thing started with my asking "what would you do?"
> And has now become "You shouldn't abandon a child that needs help" and more or less stating that I'm a bad person because I want to protect my LO from a child with issues.
> No one is abadoning him, he is just not welcome in my home where my LO is, her safe place.
> This isn't just THIS incident, as I've posted, it's his behaviour in general, he's becoming aggressive towards my LO. I am protecting MY CHILD.
> 
> If you think that bombarding me with "this kid needs help" will sway my choice in not allowing him in my home, you're wrong.
> And I'd appreciate if you would all stop badmouthing my OH, I'm well aware he needs to step up, I've told him that. There is no need to talk shit about him over and over. I'm sure your OH's aren't perfect, are they?
> 
> I am aware SS needs help, and I am going to do as much as I can to help him.
> 
> Can you just say exactly WHAT it is that you're doing to help him?Click to expand...
> 
> I have tried speaking to his mother, no avail.
> I have spoken to my OH's aunt who is in contact with OH's ex and asked her to speak to SS's mother, as his behaviour is getting worse.
> I have researched FREE councilling, so that the claim of "i can't afford it" can't happen & directed it to SS's mother.
> I have gone when SS was in hospital and asked his mother what was going on, and what we can do to help, in which she literally didn't respond to me. (I couldn't speak to nurses/doctors as I'm not his guardian/parent)
> I have spoken to OH's parents, so that when they are with SS they can help in terms of making sure he's alright.
> I have spoken to SS myself, told him that if he needs to talk, I'm here to listen & when he misbehaves, I sit him down and try to get to the bottom of it.
> I have spoken to trained professionals and asked how I can help in this situation and everything that they've directed me to do, I've tried.
> I will continue to research as much as I can to help this little boy, but like i said before and I will say again, I AM HIS STEP MOTHER AND THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT I CAN DO!Click to expand...
> 
> Sounds like you've done a lot of 'research' and that's it.
> Oh apart from asking OH's parents to check he's ok when they see him.
> 
> Have you thought about calling SOCIAL SERVICES? I know it's been mentioned MANY times in this thread but you've not said anywhere anything about it.Click to expand...

I've said that it's basically my only option now.
But here's the thing, it's still my OH's son, and I'm not about to call CAS and have HIS SON thrown into care. He and I need to discuss it, and we began last evening. 
Frankly, I've done what I can, and if you don't think that's "good enough" i don't give a shit.


----------



## TigerLady

I agree with I&L about really being in your OH's face about he needs to do EVERYthing he can to help his son.

If it were me, I would be in his face, saying "Look! Your son is turning into a dangerous, violent, careless, little boy. He is going to grow into an even more dangerous, violent, criminal. He will end up in jail or worse! He's going to end up harming others. Is that what you really want? It will be your fault. He is still young enough to help. Help him!!!! Call his therapists, take time off work, call CAS yourself if you have to. But help him!"


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Natasha2605 said:
> 
> 
> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.
> 
> From OP's posts I think that she would rather go to hell than apply for custody unfortunately. Seems to really have something against him. Although Step relationships must be hard if they're not your own blood.Click to expand...

Oh first of all, you have no idea what i think.
I've actually been the one to say to my OH that we should get custody. I started saying it about 6 months into our relationship.
Don't base your opinions on a LACK OF INFORMATION.


----------



## TigerLady

Personally, I think this latest incident is some proof that this boy needs more help than he is getting. Unless CAS expects this to continue until he does real and permanent harm to some little girl???? :wacko:


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natasha2605 said:
> 
> 
> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.
> 
> From OP's posts I think that she would rather go to hell than apply for custody unfortunately. Seems to really have something against him. Although Step relationships must be hard if they're not your own blood.Click to expand...
> 
> Oh first of all, you have no idea what i think.
> I've actually been the one to say to my OH that we should get custody. I started saying it about 6 months into our relationship.
> Don't base your opinions on a LACK OF INFORMATION.Click to expand...

But you wont let him in your house! Not even one foot! So how on earth are you going to let him LIVE there!
That's where i based my opinion.


----------



## LaughOutLoud

I read this up to page 16 I think last night and TBH when I read about what his mother has done to the previous kids, well, I was too horrified, petrified and scared to read anything further. I normally read such things in papers, books but for this to unfold in a forum I was deeply disturbed I guess because its happening in real life and I was so scared for your SS.

I completely understand your fears and safety for your child and I would feel uncomfortable having him in my home with my LO. There is only so much you can do to protect her, even with your presence, its hard. I also strongly believe that your OH is useless, sorry to say but I dont know the extent of your relationship or whether he is the father of your child (I cant remember even if you may have mentioned it) and for a man to abandon his son like that, knowing what the boys mother is like, well that makes him just as bad as her. 

I dont know what you are doing with this man TBH, knowing what he is doing to his son, I wouldnt want want him near my LO nor me. I dont have any respect for him.

As far as what I would do if I was in your circumstance, I would inform the police immediately and also the Social Services or Child Support - whatever they are in your country and tell them of everything that you know because SS does need help and protection and needs a far much better environment than may be even you could offer in your home with a unstable father - unstable because there is no stability with his relationship with his father. I believe that for you to get involved further would be difficult for you as there is obvious conflict of interests ie your LO and i think that part of you is/may also be somewhat afraid of this boy and what he could be capable of.

I would then take my child and stay far away as possible from your OH who in my opinion does not deserve to be a father or have a family. I would though very strongly be getting involved directly with the relevant authorities to make sure they remove the boy to a safer more loving place where he would be nurtured correctly and taken care of and I would do it now.


----------



## Momma.Bear

BethK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natasha2605 said:
> 
> 
> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.
> 
> From OP's posts I think that she would rather go to hell than apply for custody unfortunately. Seems to really have something against him. Although Step relationships must be hard if they're not your own blood.Click to expand...
> 
> Oh first of all, you have no idea what i think.
> I've actually been the one to say to my OH that we should get custody. I started saying it about 6 months into our relationship.
> Don't base your opinions on a LACK OF INFORMATION.Click to expand...
> 
> But you wont let him in your house! Not even one foot! So how on earth are you going to let him LIVE there!
> That's where i based my opinion.Click to expand...

You're not getting the point that it's not just the incident of the hole in his pants, he's also becoming aggressive towards my LO.
I am protecting MY CHILD, and until SS's behaviour can be sorted, he's not coming in my home.


----------



## BethK

Momma.Bear said:


> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> BethK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natasha2605 said:
> 
> 
> Is it an option for your OH to apply for custody? Not sure how easy or how it works over there. If it's a case of your OH not wanting to do more then shame on him.
> 
> I feel so sorry for your SS, Up until a few pages back I was all for banning him from your home if he was showing signs of sexual behaviour towards your LO but he wasn't. You built it up as more than it was. No he shouldn't have lied when questioned but he's probably been a little taken aback by your sudden reaction and removal of your LO from his space, it sounds like he gets little positive attention from his mother so maybe he's been scared of how you and your OH would react to something he sees as harmless (and sounds as if it was).
> 
> I do feel for you as it's obvious you just want to do what's best for everyone. But I think your OH needs to take strides in getting custody of his son, settling him into a warm, loving enviroment (not necessarily living with you) and giving him some structure. I bet he'd come on leaps and bounds. All he needs is love and guidence, which it sounds like only your OH can give him in this instance.
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> ETA - Just seen your post about how you've been trying to make your OH step up but he won't listen. He should be ashamed of himself. His son didn't ask to be born.
> 
> From OP's posts I think that she would rather go to hell than apply for custody unfortunately. Seems to really have something against him. Although Step relationships must be hard if they're not your own blood.Click to expand...
> 
> Oh first of all, you have no idea what i think.
> I've actually been the one to say to my OH that we should get custody. I started saying it about 6 months into our relationship.
> Don't base your opinions on a LACK OF INFORMATION.Click to expand...
> 
> But you wont let him in your house! Not even one foot! So how on earth are you going to let him LIVE there!
> That's where i based my opinion.Click to expand...
> 
> You're not getting the point that it's not just the incident of the hole in his pants, he's also becoming aggressive towards my LO.
> I am protecting MY CHILD, and *until SS's behaviour can be sorted, he's not coming in my home.*Click to expand...

Exactly! So how are you going to have him LIVE with you if he's not allowed in your house?!


----------



## Momma.Bear

I'm really not sure what more I can say that I haven't said already.
It boils down to, I'll do what I can, and that's the best I can do.
I will protect my LO, plain and simple.
/end


----------



## LaughOutLoud

I think my post got pushed to the top whilst we were all trying to post a reply at the same time. I hope you will read it, thanks.


----------



## austinsmom

My heart goes out to this little boy. A mother that's a nut case, a father that doesn't step up, and a step mom that's banned him from the house.
Why not call SS and get this boy put up for adoption? 
Not really sure what advice you wanted to begin with?


----------



## krissy1984

I feel so sorry for this little boy, he needs someone on his side and to have a father who doesn't care and an awful mother makes me feel so sad. Im just wondering if your oh treats your ss like this whose to say he won't treat ur daughter like this if you split up? 

I think the ss needs help and people around him who care. if you are trying to help that's good hopefully he'll get some help

xxx


----------



## krissy1984

I do think ss should b allowed in the house just take lo everywhere with u. it won't be hard

xxx


----------



## Momma.Bear

I'm not sure where you all are getting the my OH doesnt care for his son?
Hes equally at a loss like myself.
He needs to do more, yes, but that doesnt mean he doesnt care for his child.


----------



## krissy1984

I think he needs to take time of work and sort this out with ss mother. His sons welfare is more important atm

xxx


----------



## Momma.Bear

krissy1984 said:


> I think he needs to take time of work and sort this out with ss mother. His sons welfare is more important atm
> 
> xxx

So he's to take time off work, then have no where to live because he cant pay his bills. Lose his licence because he cant pay his child support. Lose his car because he cant pay the insurance. Etc.

His son's welfare does take priority, but taking time off work isnt an option. A day or two for appointments, yes. But nothing more as he does have responsibilites over and above.


----------



## krissy1984

He only needs to take a few days off to sort things out not months. he needs to put this child first. He is a priority. im sure taking a few days paid holiday won't hurt him for his child


----------



## austinsmom

It appears that everyone's suggestions are impossible?:shrug:


----------



## Momma.Bear

krissy1984 said:


> He only needs to take a few days off to sort things out not months. he needs to put this child first. He is a priority. im sure taking a few days paid holiday won't hurt him for his child

That is possible. I thought you were implying a long term absence.


----------



## Momma.Bear

austinsmom said:


> It appears that everyone's suggestions are impossible?:shrug:

No, not at all.
But there is a reality & without all the details of suggestions, its difficult to say whether its possible.


----------



## TigerLady

So, what about my suggestion that your OH call his son's therapist and set up an appt on his own? One that he can be sure to go to, even if son isn't here. That way he can give the therapists all the information (gory details) the mom clearly isn't giving them?? :shrug:


----------



## Momma.Bear

I thought krissy was suggesting a long term absence.


----------



## Momma.Bear

TigerLady said:


> So, what about my suggestion that your OH call his son's therapist and set up an appt on his own? One that he can be sure to go to, even if son isn't here. That way he can give the therapists all the information (gory details) the mom clearly isn't giving them?? :shrug:

I'm not even entirely sure that SS is still receiving therapy.
Up until a few months ago i know he was going every week, but at this point i'm not sure.
I will tell my OH to inquire.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I would know all of the details if i was able to speak to SS's mother myself.


----------



## KittyVentura

I really think that, regardless of your belief as to whether CAS WILL take action or not, your best route now as a responsible adult and mother yourself is to call CAS and tell them EVERYTHING you know. Bring this boy's plight to the attention of those that can hopefully intervene.

I wish my own stepmum had done as much for me. I had an awful upbringing and was a very neglected child. Now I didn't act up like yoru SS has, in fact I was a very polite child... but I DID go to my dad and step mum's every other week dirty and riddled with lice. I'd cry all the time and stopped being outgoing... somethign was CLEARLY up. Instead of my own stepmum encouraging my father to do more... or notifying social services that I was clearly neglected... she would moan loudly at my father that she wished I didn't have to go there. She'd call me dirty and ban me from sharing drinks with my half siblings so they didn't get my "germs". I had to use a special "old towel" and special cutlery and plates etc to keep my germs away. 

Her behaviour made me even more depressed and the first time I ever self harmed was at their house. 

She could have helped me, I was a child. Nothing I did was wrong, clearly my own mother was neglecting me and my father wasn;t doing enough to help. Rather than help me herself she took actions that I do not doubt were in her eyes to "protect her child"...

I carried on being neglected and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.

That's a different situation to yours I know, I am NOT comparing the two. I am just imploring you to notify the authorities. He will thank you for it one day xx


----------



## TigerLady

He has to be seeing someone to get the meds prescribed. OH needs to talk to whomever that is. 

If he ISN'T in therapy, that is another reason for CAS to get involved and take action. This boy isn't going to make it without some real, and good, therapy. That's a given.


----------



## xemmax

indy and lara said:


> Honestly I cannot quite believe this thread. We are not talking about an OH who doesn't do the dishes here, we are talking about a child who is possibly in a very inappropriate and possibly dangerous home situation. There is some indication from the behaviour you are describing that he may have been abused. Quite frankly I would be expecting my husband to move heaven and earth to sort this out, regardless of his work situation.
> 
> As adults it is our responsibility to ensure that our children are safe. *I can understand your priority being your LO but your husband has another child that he needs to be taking responsibility for too. *Too many children in this world are left to deal with horrific situations because it is too hard for the adults who should be making sure that they are safe. If we don't step up as adults, regardless of how tough it is, who will help them?

I couldn't agree more.

OP - I'm not sure what's left to say or what you are hoping to come from this thread.


----------



## TigerLady

KittyVentura said:


> I really think that, regardless of your belief as to whether CAS WILL take action or not, your best route now as a responsible adult and mother yourself is to call CAS and tell them EVERYTHING you know. Bring this boy's plight to the attention of those that can hopefully intervene.
> 
> I wish my own stepmum had done as much for me. I had an awful upbringing and was a very neglected child. Now I didn't act up like yoru SS has, in fact I was a very polite child... but I DID go to my dad and stem mum's every other week dirty and riddled with lice. I'd cry all the time and stopped being outgoing... Instead of my own stepmum encouraging my father to do more... or notifying social services that I was clearly neglected... she would moan loudly at my father that she wished I didn't have to go there. SHe'd call me dirty and ban me from sharing drinks with my half siblings so they didn't get my "germs". I had to use a special "old towel" and special cutlery and plates etc to keep my germs away.
> 
> Her behaviour made me even more depressed and the first time I ever self harmed was at their house.
> 
> She could have helped me, I was a child. Nothing I did was wrong, clearly my own mother was neglecting me and my father wasn;t doing enough to help. Rather than help me herself she took actions that I do not doubt were in her eyes to "protect her child"...
> 
> I carried on being neglected and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.
> 
> That's a different situation to yours I know, I am NOT comparing the two. I am just imploring you to notify the authorities. He will thank you for it one day xx


I don't think it is entirely different, except where the step mothers are concerned. I think this boy is headed down the same path as you, or worse. :( 

And I agree that the OP should call CAS... whether her OH agrees or not.


----------



## krissy1984

No definitely not long term you and your lo need support too including financially only a few days. i think his mother is ridiculous not talking to you. your are his stepmum whether or not she likes it so therefore have a right to know things. it must be very difficult with someone who won't talk to you


----------



## stardust599

I don't know what answers you are expecting?

You feel guilty and unsure of your actions so you are looking for reassurance?

I don't think you care or want to help so why not just cut him out of your life and save yourself the hassle of helping him because it's easier. Children don't have a voice of their own and people who refuse to help disgust me. I hope you don't become one of them.


----------



## Momma.Bear

stardust599 said:


> I don't know what answers you are expecting?
> 
> You feel guilty and unsure of your actions so you are looking for reassurance?
> 
> I don't think you care or want to help so why not just cut him out of your life and save yourself the hassle of helping him because it's easier. Children don't have a voice of their own and people who refuse to help disgust me. I hope you don't become one of them.

No, I don't feel guilty, as I'm protecting my LO.

If i didn't CARE or WANT to help, I wouldn't. I don't do things i don't want to do.
I'd appreciate if you didn't pass judgement when you don't know all of the details about myself.


----------



## v2007

OP, what in all honesty is your next plan of action. 

I mean this chid has been banned from your house, his mother is a waste if skin and your OH is IMHO just watching the world pass by.......

V xxx


----------



## Momma.Bear

When my OH gets off work this evening, I am going to discuss with him calling CAS. I will tell him that even if he doesn't agree, I will be doing it anyways and that it would be easier if he was on my side & helping.
I will also be telling him to call his ex and get the details on SS's therapy, doctors, etc. He will also be telling his ex that he wants to be made aware of all appointments, and that he will be coming to the important ones (I mean, a checkup at the family doc isn't exactly a demanding appointment) I'm referring to all specialists, anyone that is involved in SS's mental wellbeing, medications, etc.
Contrary to the beliefs of most in this thread, I do not want to abandon my SS, I do not want it so that he can never see his sister (yes, he and we refer to my LO as his sister - he is her big brother), I just want to protect my LO until SS is sorted. Until I can trust that nothing bad will happen.

I want to get SS help, I don't want him to continue his life this way only to get worse (and I know he will get worse, as he's been getting worse, slowly but surely in the three years I've been with his father)


----------



## KittyVentura

Will you be calling CAS?


----------



## Momma.Bear

krissy1984 said:


> No definitely not long term you and your lo need support too including financially only a few days. i think his mother is ridiculous not talking to you. your are his stepmum whether or not she likes it so therefore have a right to know things. it must be very difficult with someone who won't talk to you

His mother doesn't like me because my OH started sticking up for himself when i came along. She walked all over him prior to me being in the picture, and once i said enough is enough, she started hating me.


----------



## TigerLady

I think that is a good next step. If your OH has the information about the doctors, he doesn't need to rely on SS's mom to tell him when appts are. He can just call and show up on his own. As his father, he has a legal right to that information. 

And definitely call CAS whether OH agrees or not. But get him on your side if you can.


----------



## Momma.Bear

KittyVentura said:


> Will you be calling CAS?

Yes. Whether my OH supports that decision or not, I will be calling them.
I will tell them all of the information that I have, everything that I know, and hopefully they will take action and help SS. 
I don't want him to end up in juvy/jail and I know that's the road he is on.

The only reason I am not having him in my home is to protect my LO. Not to abandon him.


----------



## Momma.Bear

TigerLady said:


> I think that is a good next step. If your OH has the information about the doctors, he doesn't need to rely on SS's mom to tell him when appts are. He can just call and show up on his own. As his father, he has a legal right to that information.
> 
> And definitely call CAS whether OH agrees or not. But get him on your side if you can.

OH's ex thinks that because OH isn't a fulltime parent, it's non of his business.
And I think that OH thinks that she's right. But, he does need to step up and make himself aware of the situation. I'm not sure he's entirely aware, he always says "boys will be boys"


----------



## TigerLady

You need to explain to your OH that just because he isn't the parent of "primary custody" doesn't mean he isn't a full time parent. :dohh: 

He's letting an abusive, mentally unstable, irresponsible ex walk all over him. Still. Not cool. Time to man up. Hopefully you can help him see that.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I've been trying to.
Believe it or not, hes better now than when we first met.


----------



## lisa35

TigerLady said:


> He's letting an abusive, mentally unstable, irresponsible ex walk all over him. Still. Not cool. Time to man up. Hopefully you can help him see that.

I agree he needs to grow a pair :growlmad:


----------



## TigerLady

I believe you have been trying and that he is better. But clearly he still has quite a ways to go if he is going to save his son.

If all of this works out, your SS will have been lucky that you are involved. It sounds like it would have been completely hopeless otherwise.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I try, really try, to help this boy. And have since day 1.
The first weekend i spent with my OH his son was there (at that time he had SS every weekend) and ive always done whatever i could to keep him content & feel wanted and loved.
I know its hard to believe that because ive decided to not let him in my home, but thats for my LO and i will continue to help SS anyway possible.


----------



## tina3747

KittyVentura said:


> I really think that, regardless of your belief as to whether CAS WILL take action or not, your best route now as a responsible adult and mother yourself is to call CAS and tell them EVERYTHING you know. Bring this boy's plight to the attention of those that can hopefully intervene.
> 
> I wish my own stepmum had done as much for me. I had an awful upbringing and was a very neglected child. Now I didn't act up like yoru SS has, in fact I was a very polite child... but I DID go to my dad and step mum's every other week dirty and riddled with lice. I'd cry all the time and stopped being outgoing... somethign was CLEARLY up. Instead of my own stepmum encouraging my father to do more... or notifying social services that I was clearly neglected... she would moan loudly at my father that she wished I didn't have to go there. She'd call me dirty and ban me from sharing drinks with my half siblings so they didn't get my "germs". I had to use a special "old towel" and special cutlery and plates etc to keep my germs away.
> 
> Her behaviour made me even more depressed and the first time I ever self harmed was at their house.
> 
> She could have helped me, I was a child. Nothing I did was wrong, clearly my own mother was neglecting me and my father wasn;t doing enough to help. Rather than help me herself she took actions that I do not doubt were in her eyes to "protect her child"...
> 
> I carried on being neglected and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.
> 
> That's a different situation to yours I know, I am NOT comparing the two. I am just imploring you to notify the authorities. He will thank you for it one day xx

Kitty, what a heartbreaking story. Makes me want to hug you:cry:


----------



## Lina

This is a worrying situation no doubt, but please don't banish him from your home he needs stability more than anything. Seek help, and get that little boy away from his current situation which looks to have contributed to his state. No child deserves this, he is a product of his circumstance.


----------



## Momma.Bear

Lina said:


> This is a worrying situation no doubt, but please don't banish him from your home he needs stability more than anything. Seek help, and get that little boy away from his current situation which looks to have contributed to his state. No child deserves this, he is a product of his circumstance.

I am not allowing him in my home to protect my LO, until his behaviour is under control i have to make sure my LO is safe.


----------



## xemmax

Well it seems like you're firm in your decision so I'm not sure what else there is for anyone to say.

I just hope you manage to find the right support for all of you as clearly the situation is out of control and you don't feel like you can support this child through it. He needs a lot of help and I hope your fiancé can protect him in the same way he protects his daughter.


----------



## Momma.Bear

xemmax said:


> Well it seems like you're firm in your decision so I'm not sure what else there is for anyone to say.
> 
> I just hope you manage to find the right support for all of you as clearly the situation is out of control and you don't feel like you can support this child through it. He needs a lot of help and I hope your fiancé can protect him in the same way he protects his daughter.

I'm supporting him in terms of finding him the appropriate help. And once he can be trusted near my LO, he will be allowed back in my home.
I'm doing everything i can for my SS while i still protect my LO.


----------



## Momma.Bear

And to be fair here, i asked for opinions on what others would do. Not opinions on what MY decision is.


----------



## xemmax

Momma.Bear said:


> xemmax said:
> 
> 
> Well it seems like you're firm in your decision so I'm not sure what else there is for anyone to say.
> 
> I just hope you manage to find the right support for all of you as clearly the situation is out of control and you don't feel like you can support this child through it. He needs a lot of help and I hope your fiancé can protect him in the same way he protects his daughter.
> 
> I'm supporting him in terms of finding him the appropriate help. And once he can be trusted near my LO, he will be allowed back in my home.
> I'm doing everything i can for my SS while i still protect my LO.Click to expand...

That's great. You all need professional support as a family, just try not to close the door and make him feel isolated. I understand you wanting to protect your daughter but I just hope your OH feels the same way towards his son.


----------



## xxxjessxxx

I've followed this thread, and I completely understand your sense to protect your LO.
Children are much smarter than we think and to this child he knows whats going on and what's exceptable and what's not. Whether it was meant sexually or not, Im not so sure but I understand you taking precautions.
Although you don't want SS in your home-does your OH still see SS? Like take him on a day out somewhere so he can still spend time, and possibly talk if anythings bothering him.
I've had a tough bringing up and gone through many many things that I will do my upmost to make sure my children never go through. But the main important thing that kept me going is having someone to talk to. So if he isn't still having councelling maybe see if he can? Even if there's any in the weekends when your OH plans to have him?
It's good to see that your determined to help this boy while keeping your LO safe, just make sure the boy still feels welcome and able to see his father even if it's not at your home. It's important he has the feeling of security and belonging thyat he can still turn to his other family :hugs:
Keep strong, and I look forward to hearing an update :hugs: x x


----------



## hypnorm

Sorry but I gave up reading at Page 26.
I feel so sorry for this child! The incident to me sounded just like a kid thing, kids experiement , they are discovering their bodies.. He was hardly sat there with his flies undone! My 6 yr old waves his willy n my 3 yr olds face because he thinks it funny.. I bath them together, yes they prod and poke each other bit that's a part of growing up. There's nothin malicious in any of it at all.

Has this kid been test for autism? They don't know that things are inappropriate and often don't know how to express themselves to the react violently. I don't believe this kid was trying any thing on at all and I think it's unfair to ban an already unstable kid from your home but then if your hubby doesnt live with you I can't see the problem he can just spend the weekend at his dads..
Just remember this lad will be your husbands child for the rest of his life whether you like it or not and it cme across that you don't like him, yet one post you say he'd be better off in a home! No he needs a loving family! And then you say your oh will apply for custody,, that won't work very well if he's not allowed near your child.. nd your hubby may start to resent you. 
I though somewhere near the beginning of this you were going to phone people And get things sorted.... Someone needs to and your hubby needs to step up and be a dad.. If not get a lawyer involved so she has to tell you every thing. Good luck.
Remember this is a CHILD!


----------



## OnErth&InHvn

Could there be a reason at his moms house for why he thought the touching was OK? Im implying maybe someone there does it to him or at school or some place?

I know thats AWFUL to say, but its possible. 

Otherwise, i wouldnt ban him from your house, but take precautions. Help him get undressed and dressed, bathed, maybe even talk to him and explain thats his body and its private and special, etc


----------



## OnErth&InHvn

Momma.Bear said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> This is a worrying situation no doubt, but please don't banish him from your home he needs stability more than anything. Seek help, and get that little boy away from his current situation which looks to have contributed to his state. No child deserves this, he is a product of his circumstance.
> 
> I am not allowing him in my home to protect my LO, until his behaviour is under control i have to make sure my LO is safe.Click to expand...

At least here you cant just stop the visitation or the mom can take the dad to court, so thats something to think about. 

and you said in the 1st post he had your LO touch him near the penis....they didnt do anything more than that. I understand your fear but hes not going to attack your LO.


----------



## Baby France

I'm just about to catch up, but I don't think its fair for people to be opened mouthed and shake their head at others responses when they came in only half way through the thread and maybe didn't realise that the OP updated first page last night with the *full* information.

I also think the OP has over reacted too in regards to this. I don't think it was a huge thing.

I have also spoken to people in regards to sexual offences. I've known some who've been put on offenders register because of others over reaction.

Sexual offences hold a very huge social stigma and once you've tarred with someone with that brush it is very very hard to try and get others to not look with blinkers eyes on.

So although I agree that caution should be taken, sometimes I think that some over react.


----------



## KittyVentura

tina3747 said:


> KittyVentura said:
> 
> 
> I really think that, regardless of your belief as to whether CAS WILL take action or not, your best route now as a responsible adult and mother yourself is to call CAS and tell them EVERYTHING you know. Bring this boy's plight to the attention of those that can hopefully intervene.
> 
> I wish my own stepmum had done as much for me. I had an awful upbringing and was a very neglected child. Now I didn't act up like yoru SS has, in fact I was a very polite child... but I DID go to my dad and step mum's every other week dirty and riddled with lice. I'd cry all the time and stopped being outgoing... somethign was CLEARLY up. Instead of my own stepmum encouraging my father to do more... or notifying social services that I was clearly neglected... she would moan loudly at my father that she wished I didn't have to go there. She'd call me dirty and ban me from sharing drinks with my half siblings so they didn't get my "germs". I had to use a special "old towel" and special cutlery and plates etc to keep my germs away.
> 
> Her behaviour made me even more depressed and the first time I ever self harmed was at their house.
> 
> She could have helped me, I was a child. Nothing I did was wrong, clearly my own mother was neglecting me and my father wasn;t doing enough to help. Rather than help me herself she took actions that I do not doubt were in her eyes to "protect her child"...
> 
> I carried on being neglected and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.
> 
> That's a different situation to yours I know, I am NOT comparing the two. I am just imploring you to notify the authorities. He will thank you for it one day xx
> 
> Kitty, what a heartbreaking story. Makes me want to hug you:cry:Click to expand...

Awww you're very sweet love. Honestly I am fine now though, I came out of all that and it actually made me stronger. I just share it to hopefully help the OP see the importance of acting for the stepchild - regardless of what horrors you feel th eneed to protect your own child from.

I think it's ended up given me a better outlook on life if I'm honest. I've been judged before as a stuck up, braggy bitch... all because I just happen to be completely satisfied with my life now. I do see it as pretty perfect... but when you've came from a background like mine how else are you meant to view a happy marriage, happy family and stable home? I probably just appreciate the things I have now more than some that haven't had a troubled past to compare today's "bad times" to... you know?

Anyway - I am waffling. 

OP - I personally do not agree with your choice to ban the child from your home but I do understand that you must feel him to be a serious threat to have taken this step. Well done on your choice to contact the authorities - I really hope he gets the help he needs xx


----------



## aliss

He is 8 years old, he is not criminally liable for sexual offenses or ANY offenses for several years under the YCJA here in Canada. _If_ the OP suspects that he may be starting to commit any sexual misconduct, his professional workers must be made aware so they can intervene now with appropriate measures.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I am no longer willing to defend my decision, I have a right as a mother to protect my LO anyway I see fit. End of discussion on that point.

Now..

I just spoke briefly with my OH (he's on his lunch break at work) and suggested calling CAS to help in regards to SS. His response was typical, as he doesn't want his son to "hate him" for calling CAS, due to anything that may arrise from doing so.
I then suggested that he and I take a break in our relationship so that he can put all of his spare time and energy into helping his son. I told him that his son is priority and it may be easier for him to help him if he doesn't have anything else on his plate (so to speak). His fear of that is that if we go on a break we won't come back from it. I understand that, but at the same time - with everything that is going on with SS right now, who knows if our relationship can withstand the outcome as is. I think it would be better if we take a break (on good terms) and if we never come back from it, at least it will have ended on good terms and not heartbreak. 
I will be discussing it further this evening when he's done work. But, at this time, I think the second option is necessary only because, as i said, then he can put all of his time into helping his son.
I will still push calling CAS, and I will still call even if OH doesn't agree.


----------



## Momma.Bear

hypnorm said:


> Sorry but I gave up reading at Page 26.
> I feel so sorry for this child! The incident to me sounded just like a kid thing, kids experiement , they are discovering their bodies.. He was hardly sat there with his flies undone! My 6 yr old waves his willy n my 3 yr olds face because he thinks it funny.. I bath them together, yes they prod and poke each other bit that's a part of growing up. There's nothin malicious in any of it at all.
> 
> Has this kid been test for autism? They don't know that things are inappropriate and often don't know how to express themselves to the react violently. I don't believe this kid was trying any thing on at all and I think it's unfair to ban an already unstable kid from your home but then if your hubby doesnt live with you I can't see the problem he can just spend the weekend at his dads..
> Just remember this lad will be your husbands child for the rest of his life whether you like it or not and it cme across that you don't like him, yet one post you say he'd be better off in a home! No he needs a loving family! And then you say your oh will apply for custody,, that won't work very well if he's not allowed near your child.. nd your hubby may start to resent you.
> I though somewhere near the beginning of this you were going to phone people And get things sorted.... Someone needs to and your hubby needs to step up and be a dad.. If not get a lawyer involved so she has to tell you every thing. Good luck.
> Remember this is a CHILD!

No, he hasn't been tested for Autism (at least not that I'm aware of)
I've never once said I didn't like my SS. When I said he'd be better off in a home, I was implying a home that had the capabilities of dealing with a child with behavioural issues. I actually have friends that are educated to do so & they run a foster home for troubled children/teens. These children see their parents regualarily, they just get the stability and education and help they need to overcome their behavioural issues.


----------



## jenny_wren

i would have made the same decision
if i'm honest with regards to taking a break
you're protecting your child, which
is something your oh should have done 8 years ago!
maybe he'll learn how to be a better father from it
if anything it might kick his arse into gear

i really hope everything works out for you all
and that poor little boy gets the help 
and support he clearly needs

:hugs::hugs::hugs:​


----------



## xxxjessxxx

Your being so strong and brave to call a break hunny! :hugs:
If that's what you think is best though.
By the sounds of it though, your OH wants to remain with you (as he feared you two not getting back together) yet wants to put more effort into his son.
I believe he does need help - but are you sure you need to sacrifice your relationship for it hun? His son should always be his first priority and I'm glad your pushing that too him, but isn't there a way of you two remaining together and giving him the support he needs to support his son? x x


----------



## Momma.Bear

OnErth&InHvn said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> This is a worrying situation no doubt, but please don't banish him from your home he needs stability more than anything. Seek help, and get that little boy away from his current situation which looks to have contributed to his state. No child deserves this, he is a product of his circumstance.
> 
> I am not allowing him in my home to protect my LO, until his behaviour is under control i have to make sure my LO is safe.Click to expand...
> 
> At least here you cant just stop the visitation or the mom can take the dad to court, so thats something to think about.
> 
> and you said in the 1st post he had your LO touch him near the penis....they didnt do anything more than that. I understand your fear but hes not going to attack your LO.Click to expand...

I'm not stopping visitations. OH can see his son, just not in my home. At his GP's home.
I understand your opinion on my SS's behaviour not exhibiting that he will attack my LO, but IMO, it's a red flag that it may happen and I'm not willing to assume it won't only to have him hurt my daughter & her wonder why i let it happen. The behaviour to me was innappropriate and I'm putting a stop to it before it could possibly turn into something more.


----------



## Momma.Bear

xxxjessxxx said:


> Your being so strong and brave to call a break hunny! :hugs:
> If that's what you think is best though.
> By the sounds of it though, your OH wants to remain with you (as he feared you two not getting back together) yet wants to put more effort into his son.
> I believe he does need help - but are you sure you need to sacrifice your relationship for it hun? His son should always be his first priority and I'm glad your pushing that too him, but isn't there a way of you two remaining together and giving him the support he needs to support his son? x x

My OH doesn't want to have to spend weekends away from myself and our LO. But in order to see his son, he will have to. 
At this point, it will be easier if we take a break and my OH doesn't spend as much time here, and spends more time with his son. If we're on a break, he can take his son extra weekends, longer on holiday weekends etc, without it causing an arguement or stress in our relationship.
I think his son needs more time one on one with his father, and if my OH is always worrying about LO and I (which he always does) then he won't be putting enough effort into the time with his son. 
If we take a break, and he can get his son the help he needs, we can come back from this stronger. And TBH, if we can't come back from this, then it wasn't meant to be.


----------



## xxxjessxxx

Momma.Bear said:


> xxxjessxxx said:
> 
> 
> Your being so strong and brave to call a break hunny! :hugs:
> If that's what you think is best though.
> By the sounds of it though, your OH wants to remain with you (as he feared you two not getting back together) yet wants to put more effort into his son.
> I believe he does need help - but are you sure you need to sacrifice your relationship for it hun? His son should always be his first priority and I'm glad your pushing that too him, but isn't there a way of you two remaining together and giving him the support he needs to support his son? x x
> 
> My OH doesn't want to have to spend weekends away from myself and our LO. But in order to see his son, he will have to.
> At this point, it will be easier if we take a break and my OH doesn't spend as much time here, and spends more time with his son. If we're on a break, he can take his son extra weekends, longer on holiday weekends etc, without it causing an arguement or stress in our relationship.
> I think his son needs more time one on one with his father, and if my OH is always worrying about LO and I (which he always does) then he won't be putting enough effort into the time with his son.
> If we take a break, and he can get his son the help he needs, we can come back from this stronger. And TBH, if we can't come back from this, then it wasn't meant to be.Click to expand...

Oh I see your sense in it more now :)
Well keep strong... will you still be supporting him through it?
I hope by the end of this everything goes the way it should :) x x


----------



## Momma.Bear

OnErth&InHvn said:


> Could there be a reason at his moms house for why he thought the touching was OK? Im implying maybe someone there does it to him or at school or some place?
> 
> I know thats AWFUL to say, but its possible.
> 
> Otherwise, i wouldnt ban him from your house, but take precautions. Help him get undressed and dressed, bathed, maybe even talk to him and explain thats his body and its private and special, etc

In all honesty, it's POSSIBLE that something could be going on at home. But at the same time, he lives with his mother & grandmother, and as far as i know there are no fulltime males around the house. I know, as horrible as it is, it's possible that if there is abuse going on that it's happening from his mother or GM, but I wouldn't want to make an assumption like that.

I'm unable to do any of the above suggestions (dressing, etc) as he's very private and won't let anyone in the washroom or near him if he's not fully clothed (except for his father and I would assume his mother). I would be willing to speak with him about his privates and them being, well just that, private but I find it inappropriate as his step mother to have that conversation with him. (Personal belief that conversations like that should be had with mother and father only)


----------



## Momma.Bear

xxxjessxxx said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> xxxjessxxx said:
> 
> 
> Your being so strong and brave to call a break hunny! :hugs:
> If that's what you think is best though.
> By the sounds of it though, your OH wants to remain with you (as he feared you two not getting back together) yet wants to put more effort into his son.
> I believe he does need help - but are you sure you need to sacrifice your relationship for it hun? His son should always be his first priority and I'm glad your pushing that too him, but isn't there a way of you two remaining together and giving him the support he needs to support his son? x x
> 
> My OH doesn't want to have to spend weekends away from myself and our LO. But in order to see his son, he will have to.
> At this point, it will be easier if we take a break and my OH doesn't spend as much time here, and spends more time with his son. If we're on a break, he can take his son extra weekends, longer on holiday weekends etc, without it causing an arguement or stress in our relationship.
> I think his son needs more time one on one with his father, and if my OH is always worrying about LO and I (which he always does) then he won't be putting enough effort into the time with his son.
> If we take a break, and he can get his son the help he needs, we can come back from this stronger. And TBH, if we can't come back from this, then it wasn't meant to be.Click to expand...
> 
> Oh I see your sense in it more now :)
> Well keep strong... will you still be supporting him through it?
> I hope by the end of this everything goes the way it should :) x xClick to expand...

I will absolutely support him during this anyway i can.


----------



## TigerLady

I find it very interesting that he is SO intent on being private on the one hand and threw up that red flag on the other hand. Almost as if someone is telling him "This is just between me and you. No one else looks or sees. No one else touches you here. This is only for us. Everyone else is wrong." iykwim. 

And, honestly, mothers and grandmothers DO sexually abuse their children. :( It is more rare, but it does happen. It is also possible that a teacher or coach or other adult in his life is doing it. 

Maybe threatening (or even making good) with a break from your OH so he can address these concerns with his son are just the kick up the bum he needs to take it seriously. 

I don't suppose there is any chance it was the parents of your OH that may have been inappropriate with him? I hope not.

The other thing, if you DO take a break, I would obviously make sure that visitation is set up between your OH and LO that excludes SS from being alone with them. I wouldn't trust your OH to make sure SS isn't behaving poorly toward LO - sexual, aggressively, or otherwise.


----------



## feeble

I would say that it would be nice for ss to spend time with his sister, even it it's just an hour a fortnight and is closely monitored x


----------



## Momma.Bear

TigerLady said:


> I find it very interesting that he is SO intent on being private on the one hand and threw up that red flag on the other hand. Almost as if someone is telling him "This is just between me and you. No one else looks or sees. No one else touches you here. This is only for us. Everyone else is wrong." iykwim.
> 
> And, honestly, mothers and grandmothers DO sexually abuse their children. :( It is more rare, but it does happen. It is also possible that a teacher or coach or other adult in his life is doing it.
> 
> Maybe threatening (or even making good) with a break from your OH so he can address these concerns with his son are just the kick up the bum he needs to take it seriously.
> 
> I don't suppose there is any chance it was the parents of your OH that may have been inappropriate with him? I hope not.
> 
> The other thing, if you DO take a break, I would obviously make sure that visitation is set up between your OH and LO that excludes SS from being alone with them. I wouldn't trust your OH to make sure SS isn't behaving poorly toward LO - sexual, aggressively, or otherwise.

Yes i do know what you mean.

And i know that women can also be offenders, i just dont want to accuse anyone. 
He's not in extracurriculars, so it wouldnt be a coach, but teachers are always possible.

It wouldn't be my OH's parents, 99% of the time they see SS my OH is there. 

As for if we go on a break and visitation with LO, it will happen in my home as my LO doesnt go to my OH's parents as they smoke in their home and im not putting my LO in a smoke filled environment.


----------



## TigerLady

I agree with not accusing anyone. That would be jumping too far to conclusions. I was more making the point that, even if his adult circle is fairly limited, it is still possible he is being abused. 

I'd be willing to bet it would be fairly easy for a male friend or OH of his mom to take advantage of the poor boy. Judging by her lack of care of what happens to him. :( 

I'm glad you have decided to call CAS. In the end, that is all you can do. The rest is up to his mom, dad, and therapists. We can only hope they will be proactive and save this poor little boy before it is too late.

But I still stand firm that I agree with you about keeping your LO away from him for now. I would do the same. Like I said before, I'd be willing to allow short visits -- maybe everyone goes to the park or zoo together or whatever. But I wouldn't allow him to be in my home with her for extended periods where he couldn't be fully supervised.

This situation sucks all around. :( I'm sorry.


----------



## Momma.Bear

TigerLady said:


> I agree with not accusing anyone. That would be jumping too far to conclusions. I was more making the point that, even if his adult circle is fairly limited, it is still possible he is being abused.
> 
> I'd be willing to bet it would be fairly easy for a male friend or OH of his mom to take advantage of the poor boy. Judging by her lack of care of what happens to him. :(
> 
> I'm glad you have decided to call CAS. In the end, that is all you can do. The rest is up to his mom, dad, and therapists. We can only hope they will be proactive and save this poor little boy before it is too late.
> 
> But I still stand firm that I agree with you about keeping your LO away from him for now. I would do the same. Like I said before, I'd be willing to allow short visits -- maybe everyone goes to the park or zoo together or whatever. But I wouldn't allow him to be in my home with her for extended periods where he couldn't be fully supervised.
> 
> This situation sucks all around. :( I'm sorry.

I understand what you were trying to get at, and honestly it wouldn't surprise me if OH's ex's friends/OH assaulted this poor boy. Thats why I'm always sure, that if i catch wind that she's with a new man, I tell my OH right away. 
I will call CAS, and I will make sure they have all the information I have. If i didn't have my LO, I would be taking SS in and raising him. But as of now, with his behaviour, I can't. Only in fear of something happening to my LO.

I will make sure that SS see's LO, even if it's just a trip to the mall, or dinner or a walk. But he will not be spending time in my home, iykwim. It will be something that can be supervised the entire time there is interaction.

It really does suck, for all parties involved.


----------



## XfairyhopesX

KittyVentura said:


> I really think that, regardless of your belief as to whether CAS WILL take action or not, your best route now as a responsible adult and mother yourself is to call CAS and tell them EVERYTHING you know. Bring this boy's plight to the attention of those that can hopefully intervene.
> 
> I wish my own stepmum had done as much for me. I had an awful upbringing and was a very neglected child. Now I didn't act up like yoru SS has, in fact I was a very polite child... but I DID go to my dad and step mum's every other week dirty and riddled with lice. I'd cry all the time and stopped being outgoing... somethign was CLEARLY up. Instead of my own stepmum encouraging my father to do more... or notifying social services that I was clearly neglected... she would moan loudly at my father that she wished I didn't have to go there. She'd call me dirty and ban me from sharing drinks with my half siblings so they didn't get my "germs". I had to use a special "old towel" and special cutlery and plates etc to keep my germs away.
> 
> Her behaviour made me even more depressed and the first time I ever self harmed was at their house.
> 
> She could have helped me, I was a child. Nothing I did was wrong, clearly my own mother was neglecting me and my father wasn;t doing enough to help. Rather than help me herself she took actions that I do not doubt were in her eyes to "protect her child"...
> 
> I carried on being neglected and attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.
> 
> That's a different situation to yours I know, I am NOT comparing the two. I am just imploring you to notify the authorities. He will thank you for it one day xx

Ohhhh KV!!!!!!!!!!!!! you have just had me sat here blubbing!!!!!!!!!!!! :hugs: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## meldmac

I didn't read the whole thread so I may be way off line here but I agree with those that say someone should check into what's going on in the boys home. Whether it's social services or someone else close to the boy. When I was very young my parents took in a foster child for about a year who had been badly abused by his parents and then subsequent foster parents. He was a very troubled 4 year old and constantly acted out. After a year my parents had to give him up to a family that wanted to adopt him permanently. We still kept in touch with that family over the years but lost touch after he was around 12-13 years old. We assumed that he was being well taken care of. However, we learned years later that at 16 he committed suicide :cry:. Whether it was from some residual feelings from before he was 4 or from something we don't know about. The only point I wanted to make with this is that please please don't just assume he's just being bad please make the effort to find out if anything deeper is going on. 

While I understand you wanting to protect your child (I'd do the same) I think you and more importantly your OH need to look closely at this. He may only be your step-son but he still is a child and needs protecting.


----------



## Momma.Bear

meldmac said:


> I didn't read the whole thread so I may be way off line here but I agree with those that say someone should check into what's going on in the boys home. Whether it's social services or someone else close to the boy. When I was very young my parents took in a foster child for about a year who had been badly abused by his parents and then subsequent foster parents. He was a very troubled 4 year old and constantly acted out. After a year my parents had to give him up to a family that wanted to adopt him permanently. We still kept in touch with that family over the years but lost touch after he was around 12-13 years old. We assumed that he was being well taken care of. However, we learned years later that at 16 he committed suicide :cry:. Whether it was from some residual feelings from before he was 4 or from something we don't know about. The only point I wanted to make with this is that please please don't just assume he's just being bad please make the effort to find out if anything deeper is going on.
> 
> While I understand you wanting to protect your child (I'd do the same) I think you and more importantly your OH need to look closely at this. He may only be your step-son but he still is a child and needs protecting.

I've already stated that I will be contacting CAS and having them look further into it & to get my SS the help he needs.


----------



## blinkybaby

Wow I've spent all day reading this thread!

OP, I really feel for you in this situation. As a step-parent myself (though not ot a child with issues as extreme as your SS) I know all to well that feeling of helplessness wherever your SS is concerned. You really have no power over what happens to him in any way and it's very difficult to have any say whatsoever in what goes on in his life, the authority is just not there. The most you can do is alert the authorities, which you have done.

I understand what you say about the behaviour getting progressively worse and this incident being the straw that broke the camels back so to speak as well. Only you were there, and it's all very well having people say it sounds innocent enough, but I'm sure as an adult you can infer the intent behind the action well enough. Maybe it was a slight over-reaction, but at the same time maybe it wasn't when you look at other stuff he's done in the past.

I do think in your situation I would either keep my LO away from him until he has a better support system in place, or at least monitor his time with LO like a hawk. Are you frightened he might lash out at her as well?

EDIT: Over and above what I've just said though, I feel most sorry for your SS. He sounds very lost and on a very dangerous path. I have no idea where to start to address the damage that has already been done to him and to repair his little heart, but the first thing I would want to do is get him away from the toxic environment he is currently living in.

Anyway, I'm waffling now, just wanted to say I hope you get it sorted. Sounds like a difficult situation for everyone involved.


----------



## Momma.Bear

blinkybaby said:


> Wow I've spent all day reading this thread!
> 
> OP, I really feel for you in this situation. As a step-parent myself (though not ot a child with issues as extreme as your SS) I know all to well that feeling of helplessness wherever your SS is concerned. You really have no power over what happens to him in any way and it's very difficult to have any say whatsoever in what goes on in his life, the authority is just not there. The most you can do is alert the authorities, which you have done.
> 
> I understand what you say about the behaviour getting progressively worse and this incident being the straw that broke the camels back so to speak as well. Only you were there, and it's all very well having people say it sounds innocent enough, but I'm sure as an adult you can infer the intent behind the action well enough. Maybe it was a slight over-reaction, but at the same time maybe it wasn't when you look at other stuff he's done in the past.
> 
> I do think in your situation I would either keep my LO away from him until he has a better support system in place, or at least monitor his time with LO like a hawk. Are you frightened he might lash out at her as well?
> 
> EDIT: Over and above what I've just said though, I feel most sorry for your SS. He sounds very lost and on a very dangerous path. I have no idea where to start to address the damage that has already been done to him and to repair his little heart, but the first thing I would want to do is get him away from the toxic environment he is currently living in.
> 
> Anyway, I'm waffling now, just wanted to say I hope you get it sorted. Sounds like a difficult situation for everyone involved.

He has started becoming aggressive towards my LO, so that and this incident are why I've made the decision I have.


----------



## TigerLady

blinkybaby said:


> Are you frightened he might lash out at her as well?

I'm pretty certain buried somewhere in here, she mentioned that SS has shoved and been aggressive toward LO.

While understanding that kids are sometimes aggressive and shoving is not out of the ordinary, if you pair together that he is 8 and LO is 1.5 (so SS should really know better!) and the fact that SS has punched other kids and adults, I think it is reasonable to be worried that SS might really hurt LO if he lost his temper.

I don't blame SS for that exactly. Clearly it isn't his fault that he has been raised in such a horrid manner and is acting out. However, the OP still needs to protect her LO before it is too late.


----------



## xxEMZxx

Blah11 said:


> he's 8 and on antidepressants? wtf.

This. Seriously, I didn't even think children were allowed things like that and it certainly won't solve the issues imo.


----------



## bbyno1

Wow,just spent most of my night reading this thread and still not at the end. Im quite lost for words if im honest.

If an 8 year old was to do that to my daughter,id be very worried.
This 8 year old happens to be your step son which makes things a little harder:shrug: I can fully understand you not wanting him around your LO as your only being protective. I do think an 8 year old knows right from wrong.

I think your OH needs to realise his son is in desperate need for help though. I think he needs to act on this QUICK. He shouldn't be gave up on and it seems like his mum has done that a long time ago. I think he needs some love. Wether that solves his issues or not,who knows..But this can't just be ignored. Something needs to be done about this.

I feel sorry for you,and your step son.
I feel your OH could be doing alot more as a father,and his mother is just a complete failure.


----------



## PepsiChic

xxEMZxx said:


> Blah11 said:
> 
> 
> he's 8 and on antidepressants? wtf.
> 
> This. Seriously, I didn't even think children were allowed things like that and it certainly won't solve the issues imo.Click to expand...

anti-depressants dont cure depression, they numb it.

so even if the kid was depressed they wouldnt actually help, thats why they are only suppose to be given to adults who understand that they need additional treatment to actually help cope wit the depression.

depression can NEVER be cured, only managed.


----------



## OnErth&InHvn

xxEMZxx said:


> Blah11 said:
> 
> 
> he's 8 and on antidepressants? wtf.
> 
> This. Seriously, I didn't even think children were allowed things like that and it certainly won't solve the issues imo.Click to expand...

there was an 8yr old in my apartment building who was on anti-depress and many other things and he was still violent and down right rotten. He was being abused and finally Childrens Services took him. There were other issues (not this kind of abuse so dont worry OP)


----------



## pinklightbulb

In all honesty I can see the OP's POV and agree with it. Sometimes when the mother of the child is bent on keeping info from the father there is nothing he can do about it, literally. In Australia, my OH would be allowed his medical records for instance, but if the mother says 'no custody' he can't do much about taking him to any appointments, can he? (This is actually the case. My SS is autistic and my OH wanted medical records, which they gave, but MOB refused access to let OH go to/take SS to any appts and he couldn't do squat when he rang his lawyer.)
What I'm saying is that it isn't always FOB not stepping up to the plate--sometimes he legally CANNOT even though he may really really want to. Just because a name is on a BC as FOB doesn't give joint legal parental rights. Not in my country, anyway. All it does is help MOB gain child support lol. It didn't give my OH any custody or legal rights whatsoever.


----------



## Maman

op i agree with you 100%. you are the only person who can protect your child, and this time you should.


----------



## JASMAK

hypnorm said:


> Sorry but I gave up reading at Page 26.
> I feel so sorry for this child! The incident to me sounded just like a kid thing, kids experiement , they are discovering their bodies.. He was hardly sat there with his flies undone! My 6 yr old waves his willy n my 3 yr olds face because he thinks it funny.. I bath them together, yes they prod and poke each other bit that's a part of growing up. There's nothin malicious in any of it at all.
> 
> Has this kid been test for autism? *They don't know that things are inappropriate and often don't know how to express themselves to the react violently. * I don't believe this kid was trying any thing on at all and I think it's unfair to ban an already unstable kid from your home but then if your hubby doesnt live with you I can't see the problem he can just spend the weekend at his dads..
> Just remember this lad will be your husbands child for the rest of his life whether you like it or not and it cme across that you don't like him, yet one post you say he'd be better off in a home! No he needs a loving family! And then you say your oh will apply for custody,, that won't work very well if he's not allowed near your child.. nd your hubby may start to resent you.
> I though somewhere near the beginning of this you were going to phone people And get things sorted.... Someone needs to and your hubby needs to step up and be a dad.. If not get a lawyer involved so she has to tell you every thing. Good luck.
> Remember this is a CHILD!

My child has autism and knows that would be innapropriate.


----------



## JASMAK

Momma.Bear said:


> xemmax said:
> 
> 
> What exactly happened in this incident? He tried to get her to touch him "near his penis" - what do you mean 'near'? Did you witness this or did someone tell you? Sorry if you've already stated - this just confused me.
> 
> Depending on the details I have to agree with the above - sounds to me like he could be the victim of abuse himself.
> 
> I saw it happen.
> He had a hole in the crotch of his pants. He put his finger in the hole and said 'tickletickle' which is what we do to LO's bellybutton and she does the same if she sees yours. LO was right in front of him doing this, she then reached out and copied him and he didn't stop it, just watched her. I then stopped it from happening, i took LO and then directed OH to speak to SS.Click to expand...

Just read this...your story keeps changing! This, what you have described sounds very innocent. You said that you were molested? Do you think that your past has made you fear this more? What you have described above sounds nothing but normal, and I would have delt with it with a very stern "INNAPROPRIATE" and then a talk about what you can and can't do (example: touch your privates in his own room, alone, only). The other stuff sounds like he needs help, but I think you may have made a mountain out of molehill here with the so-called 'touching'.


----------



## Momma.Bear

I'm quite sure that i've made my point many times throughout this thread & will not be making it again.


----------



## babyjiva

well haven't read all of it, but after a few pages my first reaction was "ouch." I do agree that the op overreacted and that it was easy for her to overreact given that the boy is not her son. and of course, given the nature of the problem. i think it would be a very hard thing to know what to do.

if it had been her own son (as in LO's brother) what would she do then? she couldn't kick him out!! so yes, it wasn't the right thing to do or say but someone else probably said that. he needs guidance.

yet, she is right to point out that she's tried everything she can and feels this is the last option. personally, because he is 8, I find it hard to understand how this can be such a threatening situation and disagree with the strong reaction but I don't see the need for argument.

I don't think a lot of the posts here are anything more than people making jabs which happens a lot on forums but I find it unfortunate when I see pages and pages of it.


----------



## Momma.Bear

If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.


----------



## Betheney

Momma.Bear said:


> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.

you made the right choice momma.bear protect your little one!


----------



## JASMAK

Momma.Bear said:


> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.

It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:


----------



## mumandco

I completely agree jasmak, yes the 8year old knew it was wrong but he didn't know it was anything sexual


----------



## Janidog

JASMAK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.
> 
> It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:Click to expand...

But its not her OH house, its her house, her OH lives with his parents!


----------



## stardust599

Janidog said:


> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.
> 
> It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:Click to expand...
> 
> But its not her OH house, its her house, her OH lives with his parents!Click to expand...


No it's the OH's house too - he lives there and the OP has banned the 8 year old CHILD from her house so the OH will have to find somewhere else to see him - his parents probably.

I am leaving too as I think it's a vile, sickening way to treat an innocent child, problems or not!


----------



## karlilay

I am lost for words. I feel for the poor boy i do, and as everyone else has said, your oH does need to step up a bit more. But honestly, if i was in your shoes. I would do the same. 
She is your child. He is not. Protect her... i think your doing the right thing. 

:hugs:


----------



## Janidog

stardust599 said:


> Janidog said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.
> 
> It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:Click to expand...
> 
> But its not her OH house, its her house, her OH lives with his parents!Click to expand...
> 
> 
> No it's the OH's house too - he lives there and the OP has banned the 8 year old CHILD from her house so the OH will have to find somewhere else to see him - his parents probably.
> 
> I am leaving too as I think it's a vile, sickening way to treat an innocent child, problems or not!Click to expand...

The father doesn't live there full time!


----------



## Janidog

I think maybe the OP should request this thread to be closed, as the thread is going around in circles and its not helping the OP


----------



## feisty_filly

Op was acting on gut instinct to protect her child! And I'm sorry but i would probrably act the same way. Issues or not it was inapropriate either way (weather she touched his bits of not). 8 is old enough to know that is wrong.


----------



## Betheney

so i've been thinking about this post a bit today and about what some people had to say about it being nasty to a 8 year old. I also want to put out there that my sister is 8 i know what an 8 year old is like and they know right from wrong and she knows that private parts are private and no matter what she would never ask or allow someone to go near her private parts. She's at that age where she wont allow family members in and out of the bathroom while she showers (where as when they were 2 you could)

But anyway, i've been thinking if the child was intentionally doing something sexual or something that he would know was wrong or something that was inappropriate that children who are abused or have issues often do then i beleive the mothers step was a correct one. She's protecting her own child and helping the SS by getting CAS involved.

But if it was just co-incidental that it was near his penis, just an acccident. Like someone said if it was a hole in a sock and the child got someone to poke him through it but in this case it was near his penis and it's just bad luck that's where it was. Then maybe the child shouldn't be punished the way they are. HOWEVER i would never risk saying "Oh well maybe it was an accident i'll see if it happens again" i think no one can be sure whether it was a completely inappropriate act or not and to risk it is just too risky, she's risking the well being of her own daughter here! and even if they were both step children and her daughter wasn't biologically hers i beleive she would still be making the right decision because to risk any child's well being is too important and i honestly think momma.bear would protect any child like that not just her own. Which she is actually doing by ringing CAS who will have vast amounts of support and services now available to help the SS.

I would take the same step that momma.bear did just in case. When it comes to the safety of my child there is no if's or buts. Momma.bear is helping him by ringing CAS it's all she can do and TBH she's done everything i would of done. 

Keep your head up momma.bear


----------



## KittyVentura

I've been thinking about this a lot through the night and have to add that, while most of us are really struggling to see what kind of threat an 8 year old can be... that an 8 year old could intend something sexually, we need to remember that children not much older have been involved in extremely violent and sexually related attacks on younger children. Jon Venables in the James Bulger case was just 10 at the time they assaulted and murdered that little boy.

Very rare and disturbing case... but it DID happen... and those boys intended and admitted intending everything they did that day.

Highlights even more for me the need to seek help for him now. I really struggle to comprehend the idea of a child inteding anything perverse or truly violent... but maybe that's because I look at my innocent little boy and cannot imagine HIM doing anything like this. I can't help but think how I would feel if hubby and I were separated and someone banned him from his father's home. It hurts me to think of anyone's little boy being treated this way... but having though more about real life serious attacks that troubled children have committed I can really understand the OP's desire to keep him away from her child.

Justified or not, if any of us truly TRULY believed that someone, anyone, was a threat to our child... would we welcome that threat into our homes still?xx


----------



## feeble

A ten year old is a whole quarter of an 8 year olds life older again... 

It's not like being 22 and being 24, there is huge developmental differences.

What gets me is this 'it's not MY child' you cannot marry the father and not accept responsibility for his son! Thats shocking!


----------



## mum22ttc#3

I agree with you OP. If I truly believed that the way an 8 year old was acting, with my LO was inappropriate then I would not hesitate in keeping him away from her. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh to others but protecting LO would be my number 1 priority, whether that make me a bad person or not. I think sometimes you just have to trust your gut instinct.

I have an 8 year old (a girl) and I know full well that she would know what was inappropriate or not and is fully capable of understanding the majority of her actions. She would certainly know that this was not acceptable.

Saying that I do agree with the others in that I think you need to phone the CAS and get him the help he needs. I do feel really sorry for the boy as up till now he hasn't had much of a life, hopefully you can help to change that from following up on what you plan to do.

:hugs:


----------



## red balloon

Hi
I've worked with children with sexualised behaviour. I would say
-he shouldn't be alone with your dd at the moment, though could maybe see her/you and your oh for a few hours rather than days? This is only if your dd is happy to see him.
- your oh needs to tell the mental health workers or social workers who must surely be involved. They can get him the help he obviously needs in this area.
Good luck!

Edit : I haven't read all the replies here. You've probably already been given this advice, since ive just seen how many pages there are x


----------



## minkymoo

Janidog said:


> stardust599 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Janidog said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.
> 
> It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:Click to expand...
> 
> But its not her OH house, its her house, her OH lives with his parents!Click to expand...
> 
> 
> No it's the OH's house too - he lives there and the OP has banned the 8 year old CHILD from her house so the OH will have to find somewhere else to see him - his parents probably.
> 
> I am leaving too as I think it's a vile, sickening way to treat an innocent child, problems or not!Click to expand...
> 
> The father doesn't live there full time!Click to expand...

This is where I got very confused as OH doesn't live there full time, he lives with his parents but IS at the OP's house 'all the time' which to me means he's living there? If he IS living with his parents then his son can stay there with him and OP and her daughter can make short visits, as was my suggestion pages ago, therefore he wouldn't need to know he was 'banned' which would add to his issues.

I think my head is just spinning a bit now.

I feel sorry for everybody involved, other than the mother, and totally see the OP's point about her daughter not being left alone with SS, but I can't make excuses for the father not being 'able' to do anything, legally. He can call social services, police, CAS (whatever that might be) over and over until something is done in my opinion. As can others. I would be doing EVERYTHING to get my son away from a potentially abusive upbringing if I were him. Throwing anti-d's down his neck isn't going to solve anything IMO.


----------



## pinklightbulb

Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.


----------



## hb1

surely the father could arrange telephone appt with therapist for updates ?


----------



## pinklightbulb

Sometimes (in my country) even that is not allowed, but I think that's only when the father has no custody, which my OH didn't. I don't know how it works in the OP's country :flower:


----------



## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.

I don't understand WHY he can't go to appts, other than the work issues. If it's work, I know if I spoke with my manager regarding this she would support me 100% to attend these appts. Hell, I would rather live on benefits in order to be able to be there for my child, especially if I was living with my parents and didn't have the albatross of a mortgage and other hefty bills to pay.

If SS/police/CAS were more involved they may somehow insist/order that the father also attends the appts as IMO it's to the benefit of the child. I'm confused how the mother has been 'forced' to have her tubes tied due to 'neglecting' a child previously, and has seemingly had plenty involvement with CAS yet they don't seem to be doing anything??? :wacko:


----------



## stardust599

minkymoo said:


> pinklightbulb said:
> 
> 
> Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.
> 
> I don't understand WHY he can't go to appts, other than the work issues. If it's work, I know if I spoke with my manager regarding this she would support me 100% to attend these appts. Hell, I would rather live on benefits in order to be able to be there for my child, especially if I was living with my parents and didn't have the albatross of a mortgage and other hefty bills to pay.
> 
> If SS/police/CAS were more involved they may somehow insist/order that the father also attends the appts as IMO it's to the benefit of the child. I'm confused how the mother has been 'forced' to have her tubes tied due to 'neglecting' a child previously, and has seemingly had plenty involvement with CAS yet they don't seem to be doing anything??? :wacko:Click to expand...



Oh the story is ridiculous and laughable, have you read the whole thread?

The mother has "forcefully" had her tubes tied as she already has 2 other children - she has a baby who was "murdered" by her drunk babysitter, another child taken into care cos she abandoned him/her and now the 8 year old with the serious issues. The father apparently couldn't take custody of the 8 year old because of "financial issues" so the 8 year old went to live with the grandparents (fathers side) but now apparently the father also lives with these parents so it seems he did have custody. And the child was just handed back to the mother.

Yeah right! A pig with wings just flew past my window - did anyone else see it?


It seems to me like the only person with the "issues" in this story is the OP!


----------



## pinklightbulb

Well, this is in my country, I don't know about yours, but if the mother has majority custody she can stop the father doing a buttload of things. If it isn't like that in the UK I apologize but I guess a lot of people think my OH is a bad father because he can't do anything about the mother of his child being a drug addict, not for want of trying but for lack of money. If you work in this country you are screwed in the family court system, if MOB isn't working she will get Legal Aid but if FOB works he pays for all legal help he needs out of his own pocket. It just makes me sad to see that sometimes what is out of the father's control he is often blamed for :( I think all the comments about her OH have just hit a little close to home. My OH would have loved to get custody of his boy, but ran out of money at around the $10,000 dollar mark-- yet people who don't know that would probably sit there and call him a shit father for leaving his kid with a fucked up mother when legally he has had his hands tied by her free team and he's run out of money to do any more :( Sometimes there is more to a situation than what you can see, especially in shared custody arrangements or any custody battles.


----------



## pinklightbulb

stardust599 said:


> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pinklightbulb said:
> 
> 
> Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.
> 
> I don't understand WHY he can't go to appts, other than the work issues. If it's work, I know if I spoke with my manager regarding this she would support me 100% to attend these appts. Hell, I would rather live on benefits in order to be able to be there for my child, especially if I was living with my parents and didn't have the albatross of a mortgage and other hefty bills to pay.
> 
> If SS/police/CAS were more involved they may somehow insist/order that the father also attends the appts as IMO it's to the benefit of the child. I'm confused how the mother has been 'forced' to have her tubes tied due to 'neglecting' a child previously, and has seemingly had plenty involvement with CAS yet they don't seem to be doing anything??? :wacko:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Oh the story is ridiculous and laughable, have you read the whole thread?
> 
> The mother has "forcefully" had her tubes tied as she already has 2 other children - she has a baby who was "murdered" by her drunk babysitter, another child taken into care cos she abandoned him/her and now the 8 year old with the serious issues. The father apparently couldn't take custody of the 8 year old because of "financial issues" so the 8 year old went to live with the grandparents (fathers side) but now apparently the father also lives with these parents so it seems he did have custody. And the child was just handed back to the mother.
> 
> Yeah right! A pig with wings just flew past my window - did anyone else see it?
> 
> 
> It seems to me like the only person with the "issues" in this story is the OP!Click to expand...

Even if the story is made up I'm just sad to see all the vitirol that has been heaped on the father in it. That's what really struck me.


----------



## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> Well, this is in my country, I don't know about yours, but if the mother has majority custody she can stop the father doing a buttload of things. If it isn't like that in the UK I apologize but I guess a lot of people think my OH is a bad father because he can't do anything about the mother of his child being a drug addict, not for want of trying but for lack of money. If you work in this country you are screwed in the family court system, if MOB isn't working she will get Legal Aid but if FOB works he pays for all legal help he needs out of his own pocket. It just makes me sad to see that sometimes what is out of the father's control he is often blamed for :( I think all the comments about her OH have just hit a little close to home. My OH would have loved to get custody of his boy, but ran out of money at around the $10,000 dollar mark-- yet people who don't know that would probably sit there and call him a shit father for leaving his kid with a fucked up mother when legally he has had his hands tied by her free team and he's run out of money to do any more :( Sometimes there is more to a situation than what you can see, especially in shared custody arrangements or any custody battles.

I can see how this would touch a nerve for you and that's a bad situation.

However, I am simply trying to get to the bottom of what is going on here as I am just getting more and more confused about how the authorities/parents/grandparents have handled this entire situation. I'm utterly bewildered. There seem to be twists and turns all over.


----------



## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> stardust599 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pinklightbulb said:
> 
> 
> Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.
> 
> I don't understand WHY he can't go to appts, other than the work issues. If it's work, I know if I spoke with my manager regarding this she would support me 100% to attend these appts. Hell, I would rather live on benefits in order to be able to be there for my child, especially if I was living with my parents and didn't have the albatross of a mortgage and other hefty bills to pay.
> 
> If SS/police/CAS were more involved they may somehow insist/order that the father also attends the appts as IMO it's to the benefit of the child. I'm confused how the mother has been 'forced' to have her tubes tied due to 'neglecting' a child previously, and has seemingly had plenty involvement with CAS yet they don't seem to be doing anything??? :wacko:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Oh the story is ridiculous and laughable, have you read the whole thread?
> 
> The mother has "forcefully" had her tubes tied as she already has 2 other children - she has a baby who was "murdered" by her drunk babysitter, another child taken into care cos she abandoned him/her and now the 8 year old with the serious issues. The father apparently couldn't take custody of the 8 year old because of "financial issues" so the 8 year old went to live with the grandparents (fathers side) but now apparently the father also lives with these parents so it seems he did have custody. And the child was just handed back to the mother.
> 
> Yeah right! A pig with wings just flew past my window - did anyone else see it?
> 
> 
> It seems to me like the only person with the "issues" in this story is the OP!Click to expand...
> 
> Even if the story is made up I'm just sad to see all the vitirol that has been heaped on the father in it. That's what really struck me.Click to expand...

We can only go by what we've been told. Even the OP has admitted she is questioning the relationship with her OH, to a degree (if I remember correctly).


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## pinklightbulb

It's making my head spin too :)


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## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> It's making my head spin too :)

There you go then. This is why I disappeared for about 30 odd pages :haha:


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## pinklightbulb

I think I'm having an off day :haha: I don't usually get sad about threads but this one has made me wonder just how many people think my OH is a shit father when they don't know the actual ins and outs of how it all works and how heavily biased the system is to the mother.


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## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> I think I'm having an off day :haha: I don't usually get sad about threads but this one has made me wonder just how many people think my OH is a shit father when they don't know the actual ins and outs of how it all works and how heavily biased the system is to the mother.

It's a possibility that some people might do, but I'm sure if they knew the detail they might feel differently. Unfortunately it's human nature to make assumptions until you get clarification or evidence to the contrary :flower:


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## pinklightbulb

I know. Maybe that's what I'm sad about :flower:


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## mum22ttc#3

stardust599 said:


> minkymoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pinklightbulb said:
> 
> 
> Yes, the father can call SS and the police, but he can't go to any appts. if the mother is not allowing it, so he may not know ALL of what is going on, just putting that out there.
> 
> I don't understand WHY he can't go to appts, other than the work issues. If it's work, I know if I spoke with my manager regarding this she would support me 100% to attend these appts. Hell, I would rather live on benefits in order to be able to be there for my child, especially if I was living with my parents and didn't have the albatross of a mortgage and other hefty bills to pay.
> 
> If SS/police/CAS were more involved they may somehow insist/order that the father also attends the appts as IMO it's to the benefit of the child. I'm confused how the mother has been 'forced' to have her tubes tied due to 'neglecting' a child previously, and has seemingly had plenty involvement with CAS yet they don't seem to be doing anything??? :wacko:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> Oh the story is ridiculous and laughable, have you read the whole thread?
> 
> The mother has "forcefully" had her tubes tied as she already has 2 other children - she has a baby who was "murdered" by her drunk babysitter, another child taken into care cos she abandoned him/her and now the 8 year old with the serious issues. The father apparently couldn't take custody of the 8 year old because of "financial issues" so the 8 year old went to live with the grandparents (fathers side) but now apparently the father also lives with these parents so it seems he did have custody. And the child was just handed back to the mother.
> 
> Yeah right! A pig with wings just flew past my window - did anyone else see it?
> 
> 
> It seems to me like the only person with the "issues" in this story is the OP!Click to expand...

If the story isn't made up then do you really think it is laughable?

For whatever reason the OP feels that her SS acted inappropriately towards her 19 month old daughter, that for me isn't laughable and I'm sure if you felt the same had happened to your child then you wouldn't be laughing either. :shrug:

I think some of the replies to the OP have actually been rather rude and certainly alot of them uncalled for. Why can't people just state their opinion and leave instead of posting more posts trying to rile others up.
If you believe it to be made up then perhaps it would be a better idea to report it?


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## Lightworker

hmmmm..... sorry coming in late here...if it was me personally, I wouldn't allow him at my home as well. I feel like hypocrite writing this because I am so anti-exclusion measures but...if he has a history of mental health problems etc.. I would worry for my LO. Can you arrange it so that perhaps he spends days out with you all? Whilst it might not be sinister n maybe its just childhood curiosity... this kind of thing can impact your LO negatively.


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## indy and lara

I think that many people on this thread have been concerned about what is happening to the OP's SS. Of course the OP should protect her child from a potential ( however small ) threat but people have been asking what is being done to protect the SS. If the situation is as messed up as the OP says then some serious intervention needs to be done in order to help that child. 

I for one don't think it is okay to say that it is hard due to work commitments etc.I have seen all too often at work the results of adults standing back and not getting involved. Children need adults to be their advocates. If we don't stand up for them who will?


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## pinklightbulb

I'm still on the side of keeping SS and LO apart if he's known to be violent. At 8 he should be old enough to understand the consequences of violent behaviour and would know why he isn't to be around LO if it was explained to him, just a thought.


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## minkymoo

pinklightbulb said:


> I'm still on the side of keeping SS and LO apart if he's known to be violent. At 8 he should be old enough to understand the consequences of violent behaviour and would know why he isn't to be around LO if it was explained to him, just a thought.

Agreed. But I think visits would be good for him to keep a relationship with his sibling whilst everything else is being worked on. I don't think he should be prevented from seeing her. 

I'm also with one or two others that the touching 'near'/tickly wickly through the hole in the trousers thing MAY be more innocent than it seems and the child lied because he thought -probably for the thousandth time - 'shit, I'm in trouble again, I'll deny it because I don't know what I've done that's wrong'. But that is a MAY. I wasn't there. I can see how the OP has reacted to it. The pushing/shoving with the baby is very probably a jealousy related problem. In fact, I think I can guarantee it. My 3 year old nephew does it to my neice. I know he's 3 and not 8, but chances are this little boy may be VERY immature given his history/background.

If the OH doesn't live with the OP then the actual banning issue/keeping him out of OP's home/not being left alone with DD isn't really an issue, especially as the father has agreed to this. The SS can be with his father at his grandparent's house during his stayovers and OP and her DD can visit for an hour or so, to keep the relationship going.

The main issue here IS the boy's behaviour/treatment/care/investigations into the possibility he IS behaving in a sexual manner, not the banning from the OP's home.


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## pinklightbulb

Yes, I agree with that too. If the SS is picking it up from somewhere that really, really needs looking into.


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## Momma.Bear

JASMAK said:


> Momma.Bear said:
> 
> 
> If it were my child behaving this way, i would be capable of directly getting them the help that they needed.
> As its my stepson and i am unable to oversee or even get him help directly, i have to protect my LO.
> 
> It's just that I have an 8 year old son...and honestly...this post makes me sick to my stomach about the way you speak about him. He is a child...not a teenager or some horny sicko. What you described was innocent!! She didn't even touch his penis, you admitted!! Makes me wonder if you are overreacting with the rest. I was molested too as a child. I know that fear that you are thinking about. But, you got to keep it in check. It's VERY unfair to make your OH not see his son in his own home...and this could very well backfire on your part. I am leaving this post as it makes me physically ill to think of a child the same age as my son, treated and talked about so perversly.:cry:Click to expand...

Just an fyi, as i said before in the thread, my OH doesnt live here full time.


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## Momma.Bear

Alright ladies, this is getting fucking ridiculous. You wanna keep making jabs at me when you don't know the whole fucking story?? Alright, here's the whole story *which really, is non of your business, but I'm going to share it*
(Keep in mind, this is all heresay, all of what my OH/family/friends have told me)

In this story, I shall call my OH "A". I shall call his ex "B" and I shall refer to his son as "C"

A & B were together 3 years, she then got pregnant. Just before B gave birth to C, they moved into a new apartment. Just about C's first birthday, B disappeared for a week. During this time, A took the time off of work to care for C. When B returned, she told A she was leaving him for (let's call him D). B said that she had left because she had "never cared for a child over 1 year old". B then moved all of C's items into the main bedroom and A moved into C's original room. Shortly after, A moved back in with his parents and B moved to a different town with C and D. 
Visitations began, A had C every weekend. One of these weekends, B dropped C off so sick that A had to take him to the hospital. It was at this time that C was placed into temporary custody of A's parents. Yes, A was still living in the home, but it was not HE that had the custody of C, his parents did. A was not given custody because his parents were the only ones deemed 'fit' to care for C at that time (financially, responsibly etc).
I'm not sure how long went by, by C was then placed back into B's care. No, A did not file for custody, why? You'd have to ask him. At this time C was in or around 2 I believe.
Fast forward a couple of months, something occurs (and no i will not share it) and almost a year goes by before A see's C again.
(this would be the intermission during the play, as i have no idea what went on the next 2-2 1/2 years)
Fast forward, C's 5 & I start seeing A.
So, everything's good, C's a typical 5 year old boy. 8 months or so go by, and things turn for the worst. C starts attacking kids at daycare, they send him home, he gets a "you shouldn't do that" from B and a "why would you do that" from A. He begins threatening his mother's life "I will cut you into pieces with a chain saw" (yeah, he said that) He attacks his father (when he's angry), calls his father a "fucking bitch" (yes at the age of about 5 1/2)
He starts school, almost gets kicked out of the school during the first year. He tells a teacher "I want to die", he goes to the hospital, there he admits he said it because he wasn't getting his way, he goes home. He attacks a teacher, goes to the hospital, they want to keep him for assessment, his mother refuses, he goes home. He attacks a student, goes to the hospital, they demand to keep him, finally B agrees. C is hospitalized for a week (or was it 10 days?)
Leaving the hospital, he is prescribed medication and the doctor suggests he have councilling & yes, my OH was there, the nurse actually called him directly because he asked her to when she knew when the appointment was. If he waited for B to tell him, he'd still not know. He begins councilling & his medications. (He is still on the meds, but I don't know about councilling)
As of now, he is still violent towards his father, and beginning to be aggressive towards my LO. He is still swearing (that i can handle). He acts out violently when he's angry (shoving my dog because he got a "talking to" from his father about listening). And now the incident with the pants.

What am I missing?

Oh and I might add, since C's behaviour started getting bad, I have been telling A (& B when she did speak to me) that C needed help. That he needed councilling etc. But no one listened to me.


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## Momma.Bear

Now, my OH does not live with me fulltime. Yes, he is here 'all the time' but, for example, he wasn't here last night. Last week he was only here one night of the week.
His parents house is in the town he works in, he lives there.

So, yes I banned his child from MY home. But he still has a home to take his child.


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## Momma.Bear

Janidog said:


> I think maybe the OP should request this thread to be closed, as the thread is going around in circles and its not helping the OP

How do I do that?!
Because this whole thread is becoming absolute bullshit & not getting anywhere other than under my skin.


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## Momma.Bear

I am no longer going to reply to this thread. 
Feel free to banter to eachother about how horrible I am for banning a child from my home to protect my LO.
Feel free to banter about how horrible my OH is.
Enjoy.


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## sophie c

oh dear :(


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## OmarsMum

Closed at OP's request


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