# Are you a mother?



## collie_crazy

I went for lunch today with some girls I am friendly with at work. It went well I suppose and on the whole they were lovely and supportive but one of them said something and it upset me a bit, I think she realised afterwards what she said had hurt me and wished she hadnt but it made me think :shrug: I dont think she meant any harm by it - probably more one of those moments when people are trying to offer words of comfort but it comes out wrong (I've had plenty of that!) 

Anyway she said something along the lines of 'I'm so sad this has happened to you, its so unfair, you deserve to be a mum and will make a great one on day' 

I replied that I am a mum, I just dont have a baby to hold - but I still have one to love and look after even if it is just by looking after her graveside - and if I wasnt a mum what does that make Emily :cry:

We sort of changed the subject after this and I know she meant no harm by it but - oh I dont know. Do others consider yourself mothers to the babies you lost? 

I know its the not the same. We dont have our children here physically with us to look after but they are still a part of us, still our babies, always our babies. So that makes us mothers right? Or not? 

I dont know. But then it got me thinking about what I would say when I am next pregnant and people will no doubt ask that question _Is this your first?_ and I dont know how I would answer that. Emily will always be my first born - so would I say no? Go into the whole story? And then when our rainbow is here it will get asked again and then what do I say? 

Those with children already do you count your angel baby when people ask how many children you have? I guess I would feel bad not counting her as though I was dismissing her / forgetting about her.

Now I'm confusing myself :cry::cry::cry:


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## daopdesign

Hi hun, I already had a baby at 18 months when I had my loss and in all honesty I think I would have coped worse if I didn't have him so I cannot even imagine what pain you have felt. I don't think she meant any harm as I believe no one knows how it feels to bury/lose a child unless it happens to them. I was a total mess, didn't think I would come out of it. Don't be scared in future of talking about your sad loss, it's your life, part of you and nothing to be ashamed of. 

You have to look to the future and try to be positive. I do consider myself a mum to two, how can I ever forget something I created? :hugs: to you hun xx


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## Vickieh1981

Of course you are a Mum. You will always be her mummy. Isabella is still my little girl, she just isn't here with us.

I found my answer when I had my rainbow baby depended on my mood. Sometimes I said she was my 6th and unfortunately we lost our little girl. If they asked I explained and if not I didn't.

Sometimes if I felt fragile thoguh I just said she was our fifth and felt guilty. xxx


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## ms.hope

I glad that you were able to see that her intent was not to hurt you. Of course your her mom no matter what.


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## Andypanda6570

Yes you are most certainly a mom :hugs::hugs::hugs: I am so happy that you know she meant no harm in her words. Emily was a gift from god and will always be your child. XOOXOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Imalia

Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.

Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"


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## Vickieh1981

Imalia said:


> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"

:nope: I can't believe anyone would say that. I would have been tempted to point out that 17 women a day lose their baby through stillbirth or neonatal death and she could well be one of those people at some point in her life so not to be so spiteful


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## fairywings

Imalia said:


> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"

Oh wow what a bitch! I would not speak to that person again either - really and I may be over-reacting but my first thought was what a spiteful bitch!

We are all still mothers. I know I have Amy, but even if I didn't and had only lost Ryan I still would be. And all of us still are. xx :hugs:


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## collie_crazy

Imalia said:


> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"

Oh my god! I cant believe she actually said that to you :cry: Sorry but what a heartless bitch! How dare she :cry: I dont think people realise how easily it could be them in our shoes! 

I got a bit upset last night and told my partner what I had posted - he said 'well if your mother were to die you would still be her daughter, so why is it any different when the roles are reversed'


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## Andypanda6570

Imalia said:


> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"

:growlmad:I would have stuck my foot up her where the sun don't shine:growlmad: 
:cry::cry::cry::cry:How dare she say that, how awful. I don't even know you and I feel like I have to apologize for her :cry::cry: absolutely thoughtless and SO not true. I am so deeply sorry :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## open lotus

yes ,you are a mother xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## fairywings

collie_crazy said:


> Imalia said:
> 
> 
> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"
> 
> Oh my god! I cant believe she actually said that to you :cry: Sorry but what a heartless bitch! How dare she :cry: I dont think people realise how easily it could be them in our shoes!
> 
> I got a bit upset last night and told my partner what I had posted - he said 'well if your mother were to die you would still be her daughter, so why is it any different when the roles are reversed'Click to expand...

And he would be very right. :hug:


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## mummylove

collie_crazy said:


> I went for lunch today with some girls I am friendly with at work. It went well I suppose and on the whole they were lovely and supportive but one of them said something and it upset me a bit, I think she realised afterwards what she said had hurt me and wished she hadnt but it made me think :shrug: I dont think she meant any harm by it - probably more one of those moments when people are trying to offer words of comfort but it comes out wrong (I've had plenty of that!)
> 
> Anyway she said something along the lines of 'I'm so sad this has happened to you, its so unfair, you deserve to be a mum and will make a great one on day'
> 
> I replied that I am a mum, I just dont have a baby to hold - but I still have one to love and look after even if it is just by looking after her graveside - and if I wasnt a mum what does that make Emily :cry:
> 
> We sort of changed the subject after this and I know she meant no harm by it but - oh I dont know. Do others consider yourself mothers to the babies you lost?
> 
> I know its the not the same. We dont have our children here physically with us to look after but they are still a part of us, still our babies, always our babies. So that makes us mothers right? Or not?
> 
> I dont know. But then it got me thinking about what I would say when I am next pregnant and people will no doubt ask that question _Is this your first?_ and I dont know how I would answer that. Emily will always be my first born - so would I say no? Go into the whole story? And then when our rainbow is here it will get asked again and then what do I say?
> 
> Those with children already do you count your angel baby when people ask how many children you have? I guess I would feel bad not counting her as though I was dismissing her / forgetting about her.
> 
> Now I'm confusing myself :cry::cry::cry:

Hun i am so very sorry for ur loss.

U are a mum Emily was a baby ur little girl but she was taken away from u.

My first pregnancy was a MMC after i lsot that baby i didnt class myself as a mum cus baby didnt make it past 6 weeks and at that stage its not really much. But to lose a baby that is actually a baby that makes u a mum but some people still class them selfs as mums even with early MCs. Sorry if ive put it wrong not sure how to write it. Wish u all the best for the future


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## Imalia

Yeah she was a complete bitch. She decided two months after our loss that she was ttc, got pregnant the first month. Decided to give her son the same name that we had picked and just spent her entire pregnancy either complaining how awful it was being pregnant, or being very smug about everything. I just felt like she'd stolen my baby, that she was stealing my life, even though that was irrational.


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## Nikki_d72

collie_crazy said:


> Imalia said:
> 
> 
> Too right we're mothers. Our babies not being with us doesn't take that away. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to upset you, but people can be thoughtless.
> 
> Unlike one of my (now ex) friends who this year on mothers day insisted she got to celebrate because she was pregnant and this was her first official mothers day, but I didn't because, and I quote, "Losing the baby kind of negates the whole motherhood thing"
> 
> Oh my god! I cant believe she actually said that to you :cry: Sorry but what a heartless bitch! How dare she :cry: I dont think people realise how easily it could be them in our shoes!
> 
> I got a bit upset last night and told my partner what I had posted - he said 'well if your mother were to die you would still be her daughter, so why is it any different when the roles are reversed'Click to expand...

Imalia, I'm dumbfounded anyone would say something like that at all, I'm glad you've cut her out of your life. Disgusting.

Collie, your partner has it dead right, that's a great way of explaining it. I've often said that if your mother, friend, brother, father, uncle, whoever died nobody would find it appropriate not to even say "sorry for your loss" but when your baby dies some people are fine with ignoring it entirely, I've come across that the most, more than any really bad words, but I've not been out of the house much, so I'm dreading some of the insensitive things that may come when I start back at work. My boss has been really kind, but did come out with the "at least you know you can get pregnant" line, I really hope she doesn't say it again or I'll have to point out how wrong it is to say, but I know she thinks she's helping so it'll be hard. It's hard when people upset you but you know they aren't meaning to, as you want to point it out but don't want to hurt their feelings either, I'm too soft to say much usually.


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## mdjoy

I have actually been thinking the same thing. When people ask I say 2 (i have 2 boys) If they say, oh no girls? I say yes, in heaven due to a late m/c. But I do notice this makes alot of people very uncomfortable. Why is this? Why does my little girl have to go unrecognized because other people are not comfortable with the fact that I had my baby die in me? I really feel like recognizing her is the least I can do for my baby girl. As a matter of fact I have been thinking of the loss of her alot lately. You are a mom. You carried your baby in your body and you go to her grave, she is your daughter even if she is not here with you. You are a great mom to her, and if you decide to try again, I am sure you will be a great mom to the baby you will have here with you too.


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## Wantingbbbump

You ARE a mom!!! When I got pregnant for the first time it was with twins. I was so excited because i was told that I would never have children unless I adopted or paid someone to have a baby for me. Well when I was 14 weeks I was having really bad pains and bleeding so off to the ER I went where I was told that I had lost my son and I was going to lose the other baby too. I had to fight very hard to keep my daughter in me long enough for he to live if and when she was born and I held her in to 37wks. As for my son Ethan, I will always be his mommy!! He is a part of my family and my daughters twin brother. On her birthday we sing to him as well because that would of been his birthday too...He would of been 12 this year. It is 100% up to you what you say if you are asked if this is your first pregnancy or if it's your first child when your baby is here. For years I never talked about my son because mc's weren't talked about. I didn't get a opt on what I wanted to do with him or even got the change to see/hold him...the Dr just took him away and came back to tell me it was a boy and that I would lose my other baby too. I am happy that you all get the choice now. I am very sorry for your loss!!!


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## Hevalouaddict

i say you carry a child in your womb may it be for 3 days or 103 days your still a mother x all the angels need there mummies too and i will always be a mother too my twins as you will always be a mother to emily x


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## MummyStobe

Yes we are all mums. All babies have a mum whether they live on earth or in heaven.

Everytime my mum tells me that I am Max's mummy I cry without fail. xx


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## Twinkl3

My situation to yours was different, I had a m/c at 8wks.

However that doesn't stop me from thinking that I am not a mum, whatever life deals me I am and always will be my angels mummy. Obviously my circumstances will be different when I do have a baby.

You are a mum and always will be Emily's mum, she's your precious daughter. Just because you don't have her to hold doesn't make you any less of a mother, you still look after her but in a different way. :hugs: :hugs:

Hope you don't mind me posting :)


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## SarahJane

I am the same as you as I have no earth babies. I work in a bank and constantly people come in with kids so I get talking and eventually they ask "so have you got children"?

My reply is always yes, I have a daughter but sadly she died in April. I have never had anything but a wonderful reponse. In fact people ask her name and what she looked like most times.

We are mothers, I delivered my baby on mothers day. It will always be a very special day for me and regardless of whether I have more children I will use that day and think of my first daughter and the happiness she gave me.


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## collie_crazy

Thank you girls :) You are all right - we are all mums no matter what gestation / age we lost our babies at! 

Whilst I was in hospital yesterday the doctor was asking about my pregnancy - he said 'So the foetus was 17 weeks' I replied 'No, my daughter was 17 weeks' and he rolled his eyes at me :cry: But I dont care what he thinks or what anyone else thinks - Emily is my daughter and I love her like only a mother can :kiss:


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## Adela Quested

collie_crazy said:


> Whilst I was in hospital yesterday the doctor was asking about my pregnancy - he said 'So the foetus was 17 weeks' I replied 'No, my daughter was 17 weeks' and he rolled his eyes at me

HOW DARE HE!!! I feel outraged just reading this!

Some doctors really need to work on their bedside manner. A far more appropriate response would have been, "I'm sorry, of course, I mean your daughter."

I know that doctors are looking at the medical side of things so they will say things like he did, but for heaven's sake, they are meant to be in the business of caring for people, not mocking them!


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