# how to deal with the guilty that I caused my son to die



## momatobe

I was 17 when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was scared and I couldn't tell my parents. I feared they would be so upset at me. The thing was I didn't and I felt I couldn't tell my parents because I just thought they'd kick me out. So I thought I'd wait til I was really far along. I had gone without prenatal care those 16 weeks. I really knew nothing on what I was supposed to experience in a pregnancy and I just assumed everything was alright and even 
when I had started having contractions I didn't care I just thought it would go away. It didn't cross my mind that I might need to go to a 
doctor. I had never even spoke to him. I just 
expected him to be fullterm. I took my son for 
granted. I couldn't without a parent and I was 
so cowardly to face them. I couldn't tell my 
parents even when I realized things weren't 
going on wrong. By the time, I got outside help 
I was already going into labor. I had an 
incompetent cervix. And it couldve been 
avoided if I wouldve just gotten the proper 
prenatal care. He lived a little while longer. But 
I never saw accept when he was born. My son 
zachary james was so perfect and beautiful. I 
had complications and ended up losing 
consciousness. He died 4 days later. Everytime I
think of it it makes me feel more guilty and like I can't really cope with it so I tried bury it. But it always comes to haunt me in my dreams. After that, I never spoke about it. I always felt too stupid to. Also my family moreso act as if it was just that I was sick in the hospital. Besides my parents and the doctors no one else knew that he ever existed. I always felt so miserable without him. And no one even understood why. My parents actually acted like it was a good thing. I've thought of counselling but it's jard to really say or deal with this when I've been acting for so long?


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## MaevesMummy

What an awful thing for someone so young to have to suffer :hugs:
please dont feel guilty, they unfortunatly do not look for incompetent cervix untill something like this happens so you would have not known at all.
It really isnt your fault.
:hugs:
xxxxxxx


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## momatobe

I couldve gone to the doctor when I felt contractions. I couldve held on long enough for him to survive at least.


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## Imalia

I don't think you should feel guilty, but we all do. You were young and you made mistakes, but the chances are by the time you felt contractions it was probably too late. I beat myself up everyday about losing my son, because I knew something was wrong but I didn't fight for him. I knew, and I told the doctors, but I wanted everything to be fine so I didn't argue when they didn't check me out, or told me everything was normal. My son would have died anyway, the rational part of my brain knows that, the placenta and cord were failing and even if they'd listened and delivered him, he was too early to have lived, but I still blame myself anyway.

I was his mother, and I didn't fight for him, I didn't do all that I could have done, and by the time anyone else took me seriously he was already gone. 

Even if you had had prenatal care, even if you had gone to the doctors right when you started getting contractions at 16 weeks you would have lost him anyway. With an imcompetant cervix (From what I have read or spoken to others about, I have never experienced it myself) by the time you had contractions the cervix would have been too thin and too open for a stitch and it's very unlikely you would have made it another 8 weeks until he was viable.

I know you feel guilty, and you blame yourself, but whether it could even slightly have been our fault or not, we all do that. None of us should, but all of us do. I firmly believe from what you have said, that the outcome would have been the same no matter what you did or didn't do.

Unfortunately it seems like sometimes babies have to die before problems are noticed, I know I am still so very angry that the hospital keeps telling me what will be different next time, and it makes me feel like my son didn't matter until he died, why do we have prenatal care at all if they aren't going to do anything until our babies are already gone?


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## momatobe

he was 22 weeks. I spent 16 weeks knowing I was pregnant and not getting prenatal care.


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## MaevesMummy

:hugs:

I am affraid they wont do anything to stop contractions at that stage anyway. I know because I begged and begged them.
I had extra intensive Prenatal care and it didnt stop my little Maeve from coming early. Please dont beat yourself up about something beyond your control.
I went through all the guilt its only natural, but you cant be to blame xxxx:hugs:


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## lisabee

momatobe said:


> he was 22 weeks. I spent 16 weeks knowing I was pregnant and not getting prenatal care.

You have got to remember what age you were. you were only a young girl your not supposed to know whats meant to happen and bear in mind your circumstances wernt the greatest!!

Its easy for everyone to say not to feel guilty because you see it as your fault...but the pain does go away eventually, you just have to keep in mind that precious image you have in your head of him and keep that in your heart, one day you will get to see them again!!!

:hugs:


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## momatobe

yeah, I know it just hurts to think if he couldve been hear with me


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## iloveblue

I can't add anything to what has already been said but just wanted to send some hugs :hugs:


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## MaevesMummy

momatobe said:


> yeah, I know it just hurts to think if he couldve been hear with me

:hugs:
Make sure you tell them how you feel, the medical proffession will reassure you. Like I said this happens to women who have close monitoring.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## momatobe

yea GOD Makes things happen for a reason. It's for the best I suppose.


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## MaevesMummy

:hugs:
Its so hard to think about it that way, I know everytime someone says that to me I get really angry! How can this be for the best, How can someone wish us so much pain. 
But the thing I try to keep in mind are that some babies are just too special for this horible cruel life.
:hugs:xxxxx


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## momatobe

I know it was for me to think that. Idk


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## babesx3

:hug:
I'm so sorry you went thru all this alone!!
like the others have said, try not to blame yourself... :hugs:


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## Alexp

Sweetheart

I think even if you had done something and got advice, it may have still have happened. I still blame myself for the babies I have lost. I feel my body failed them in some way altough all tests were clear. I have spent years blaming myself and it lead to Self Harming when I was at my lowest.

Please get some counselling , you seem to have no support. I didnt either when I was younger, as losing babies was not a big issue to people. 

But mentally for me over the years it has been. Believe me it will help to talk to a counsellor. You are grieving the same as anyone losing a loved one or friend.

Alot of people do not realise that as soon as you know you are pregnant that it is your Baby, not a miscarriage,misabortion, feotus etc, that they refer to it as. Mine were all classed as Missed abortions on my notes. How bad is that ! They died inside me what had that got to do with abortion. I hated that description.(the Dr classed my 25 week baby as a feotus 20 years ago. I had to insist on a burial as they had to be 28 weeks for a death certificate) Those few hurtful words will never leave me. 

Go see your Dr and ask for counselling to talk it through rather than medication.:flower:


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## MaevesMummy

Alexp said:


> Sweetheart
> 
> I think even if you had done something and got advice, it may have still have happened. I still blame myself for the babies I have lost. I feel my body failed them in some way altough all tests were clear. I have spent years blaming myself and it lead to Self Harming when I was at my lowest.
> 
> Please get some counselling , you seem to have no support. I didnt either when I was younger, as losing babies was not a big issue to people.
> 
> But mentally for me over the years it has been. Believe me it will help to talk to a counsellor. You are grieving the same as anyone losing a loved one or friend.
> 
> Alot of people do not realise that as soon as you know you are pregnant that it is your Baby, not a miscarriage,misabortion, feotus etc, that they refer to it as. Mine were all classed as Missed abortions on my notes. How bad is that ! They died inside me what had that got to do with abortion. I hated that description.(the Dr classed my 25 week baby as a feotus 20 years ago. I had to insist on a burial as they had to be 28 weeks for a death certificate) Those few hurtful words will never leave me.
> 
> Go see your Dr and ask for counselling to talk it through rather than medication.:flower:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
The medical proffession can be so heartless and insensative xxx


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## ejsmom

It wasn't your fault. We can always do things different after something happens..We justify it. I have IC..I lost triplets girls at 23 1/2 weeks. I am not going to lie. I think about them all the time. I was under doc care from the first instance. From what they told me, you will only know..or be diagnosed with IC after having a loss in the second trimester. I know it's hard.. It was about 5 years ago for me. I look at my boys..and know something is always missing..three to be specific. I have had doubts on decisions I made. I was put on medicine to stop contractions, was on hospital bed rest. They still came.. My point for you..realistically, there was probably nothing anyone could do.. For future pregnancies, you will be considered high risk..They will watch your cervix, give you a stitch and medicine if needed. There is a very good chance the next time around you will have your bundle of joy. I think you should get the therapy esp..if your parents aren't as supportive as they should be. There are some hospitals that have support groups.. Believe me.. it will help if you talk about him. It will validate him and you will start to heal. The pain will never go away..but it will become more tolerable. 

I am pregnant now.. and still have the fear that I will have a loss again but I faith everything will work out.. My docs are good.. My high risk doc saved my son's life.. I was getting checked for my length..They were certain that my IC was caused by the fact that I had triplets.. apparently not..I have a manufacturer's defect. I have had two successful pregnancies since. MY boys are healthy and happy.

Lots of hugs... you are not alone. I know how hard it is.. But remember..it really wasn't your fault. You were young, inexperienced, and unsupported. You did what you thought was right at the time. I am sure if you had known the outcome, you would have done different choices..


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## v2007

:hugs:

V xxx


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## secretbaby

You had absolutely no way of knowing you had incomplete cervix. 

I was 35 when I got pregnant with my son we lost, after having a son in 1999 and never thinking I would/could have another baby. Believe me I did EVERYTHING text book, beacuse of problems with my first pregnancy I was straight under consultant care and had EXTRA prenatal care. Took prenatal vitamins, didn't do anything you are not supposed to do and I still lost my Son.... if you follow your logic through then my baby should have been absolutely fine, infact have the best chance going - but he still died. 

I too had lots of discussions with the doctors and peads about what happens if I went into labour early (you noormally go into labour 24 - 72 hours after PPROM which is what I had at 20.6 weeks pregnant) but I held on for 6 1/2 weeks .. it was hard as I knew from my long discussions that they will not give you anything to stop contractions (the meds they have only stop labour for a short time about 48 hours and are only used if they need to stop a mother delivering while they transfer her to a hospital with a better NICU unit). They also told me that they can't ressus babies under 24 weeks due to the size of the babies airways and the fact the ventilator tubes they use are as small as possible but too big for under 24 weekers. These are very hard facts to face when you are pregnant and know you could go into labour anytime before 24 weeks. I used to think hopsitals can do amazing miracles with prem babies, and sometimes they can, but alot of the time there is nothing they can do. Baby loss is often pushed under the carpet so you hear more of the miracles than the sad stories. 

Guilt is a HUGE part of babyloss - and it is misplaced - there is not one mum on here who doesn't have regreats or guilt. I read there stories and as an impartial outsider I know they have nothing to feel guilt about - but used to feel guilty myself about what happened to my son. 

It is also hard when not many people know -as you may not be recieving the support and help you need (sadly I know one friend who is now nearly 40 and had a stillborn baby when she was young and in an abusive relationship and apart from her hubby, her best friend and me no one knows... I only know because she told me after my son died... I had known her for 10 years at this point). Do you have a local SANDS support group? or have you thought of councelling? I used to think coucnelling was for the weak but went after my son died (after hubby insisted) and it did help, just to be able to get out every week and go somewhere and be able to talk about my son (rather than not talking incase I upset someone else)... your gp will be able to arrange you some NHS sessions (I think i got 6 or 8 free, and you can get re referred for more).

Hugs x


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## xcharx

:hugs: plz don't blame yourself... :hugs:


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## Weeplin

There is nothing I can say that has not already been said hon and I have no extra advice. You were young, scared and weren't to know. So please don't blame yourself :hugs:


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## ashley2pink

:hugs: Hun I hope you can find support, what a very hard thing to go through. If your family cant do that for you, try therapy. It will feel good to have someone listen to you


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