# I cried today...



## kiki04

When setting up the xmas tree :cry: Hadlee should be here, sleeping away in her little bassinet while we had our xmas music on and me and the older kids and daddy decorated the tree, until she started screaming, then I would go get her and change her and nurse her until she was happy again.... but instead I was hanging an ORNAMENT ON MY TREE TO REMEMBER HER!!!! :brat: I am just getting so angry all over again lately... I want my baby... and I want to be pg again... and I dont get either of those right now :cry:


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## blav

Aww, I'm so sorry :-( I wish I had something to say that could take away your pain and sadness. Hadlee wasn't there in person, but was certainly watching over her family today, especially her mom who she knows loves her so very much.


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry hon, it's so unfair. I havent even thought about a tree yet, I'm hiding from the whole thing. 

Huge :hug: to you xxx


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## mhazzab

I'm sorry...I cried yesterday too because of Christmas, I went shopping with my sister in law and there was decorations and Christmassy things everywhere, cute little clothes for babies.
It just made me think I should be looking after my gorgeous little girls right now. 
Sorry for waffling just wanted you to know you are not alone, we all feel the same, I think the next few weeks will be bittersweet for us all xxxx


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## MummyStobe

Sending big :hugs: I wish there was some easy way for us all to be able to get through the big milestones without any additional pain :hugs:
I'm trying to focus on this Christmas as my nephew's first Christmas and making it special for him. I've already arranged for my sister to bring him over when I put the tree up to distract me, going to leave it a few more weeks though because I don't think I could face it being up for too long.
Max's due date was New Years Eve so that is going to be the hardest date for me. I hate New Year normally anyway and now i'll never be able to enjoy it xxx


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## Hellylou

:hugs:Sending hugs and thinking of you today. It really is so very unfair, and I wish for all of us that this wasn't happening. 

We will get through these things together :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so sorry . I am dreading it, I am taking down the tree tomorrow and Ava should have been 4 months :cry: she would have been looking at me from her little seat and saying my mom is crazy she is fighting with a tree and ornaments :blush: I do it every year. I love you all and I know I always say it and believe me my loves our angels are with US I promise YOU this. I wish everyone a beautiful and A happy and healthy holiday.. 
Love You Alll :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## OliveBay

I am with you all on the dreading Christmas thing. I _should _have been starting my maternity leave soon and just sitting at home all cosy, getting fatter and waiting for the snow to come, and instead I'm back at work feeling far from in the Christmas spirit. Christmas carols always make me a bit emotional too, so goodness knows what I'll be like this year when I'm hearing them all the time. My way of trying to cope with this Christmas is by getting planned and prepared as soon as I can with presents, to prevent me from having anything to stress me out nearer the time. Then I'm hoping I'll be able to sit back and enjoy it all if I do feel in the mood, or just stay away from all the busy-ness and merriment if I am feeling a bit down. 
Hopefully it won't be as tough as we're all expecting - sometimes the anticipation can be worse than the thing itself (Until I lost my baby I always used to be an optimist, but then that suddenly changed - maybe I'm getting some of my old spirit back!)
Sending lots of hugs and support to you all :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

I took DD to see Arthur Christmas yesterday and was on the verge of tears all the way through it, even though it was a funny happy film - thank the lord for black 3D glasses! So pathetic but everything around Christmas is just too emotive.


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## babylou

Sorry that you are feeling this way. 

I am hoping that we can have some family time over Christmas as OH works away often and DD misses him terribly (me too). Hopefully we can focus on being together.... 

I would have had a 6 month tum by then :sad1:

Sending lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## angel jayvian

Xmas should of been a happy time for all of us , with our little bundle of joy... its so unfair!!!!!! :(... Hug and kisses to all!


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## jennijunni

I cried last night too while we were putting our tree up. Hugs!


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## Maddysmum

I feel the same we were so looking forward to xmas this year, Maddi would have been a couple of weeks old by then. big huggs to u mate


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## kiki04

Yeah Hadlee would have been about 2 weeks old by now :(


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## mhazzab

kiki04 said:


> Yeah Hadlee would have been about 2 weeks old by now :(

:hugs:

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like my grief is getting worse at the moment, not better. I honestly think its the thought of Christmas without my precious babies that's doing it. Roll on 2012 hopefully that will be a better year for all of us x


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## Hellylou

It's pretty daunting, for sure. I want to make it nice and special for my kids, and I am excited for them, but the knowledge that by christmas I should have been 7 months pregnant and excited about the arrival of my baby,is pretty hard to take, and I am trying not to dwell on it too much at the moment.

And yes, 2012 has got to be a better year for us all. :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

mhazzab said:


> kiki04 said:
> 
> 
> Yeah Hadlee would have been about 2 weeks old by now :(
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like my grief is getting worse at the moment, not better. I honestly think its the thought of Christmas without my precious babies that's doing it. Roll on 2012 hopefully that will be a better year for all of us xClick to expand...

Same here Mhairi. 2012 has to be better, it can't be any worse, surely!


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## yazoo

I'm sorry hun. I feel exactly the same as you. I feel like I am getting worse instead of better and Xmas and Jakob's due date around the corner isn't helping at all. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Well I am in the getting worse group too :dohh: I know its because of xmas and like already said, I have other kids who I want to make it special for.. but its hard. 

Come ON 2012! Just get here already so we can ring in a new year and hopefully a BETTER YEAR.... for all of us :hugs:


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## TTCMetalMom

My baby would have been born on the 1st, my partners birthday, and I felt sad that I didn't have my baby as I decorated my house up :/


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## mhazzab

TTCMetalMom said:


> My baby would have been born on the 1st, my partners birthday, and I felt sad that I didn't have my baby as I decorated my house up :/

I'm really sorry for your loss :hugs:

I can't stop thinking about my angels, and what christmas would have been like, can't wait till the festive season is over...

xxx


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## Andypanda6570

TTCMetalMom said:


> My baby would have been born on the 1st, my partners birthday, and I felt sad that I didn't have my baby as I decorated my house up :/

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I am SO deeply sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk we all are here for you, I promise you that..
XOXO Andrea:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Bride2b

mhazzab said:


> TTCMetalMom said:
> 
> 
> My baby would have been born on the 1st, my partners birthday, and I felt sad that I didn't have my baby as I decorated my house up :/
> 
> I'm really sorry for your loss :hugs:
> 
> I can't stop thinking about my angels, and what christmas would have been like, can't wait till the festive season is over...
> 
> xxxClick to expand...

:hugs:


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## KamIAm

Hi Sweet Thang ...

Yep, I'm totally with ya all on this.... Feel myself slowly slipping quietly down into that ever-so welcoming darkness again.... I put on a GREAT show for everyone, ecspecially my OH and children, want to try to make it a great one for them BUT I feel like I'm going backwards again too....

While decorating our tree, we was having such a wonderful time.. Listening to Christmas music and lots of laughs and cuddles but all the while I was thinking ... "I should have Emma here now! She would have been 4 months old!!" ... Ugh!

The kids still ask me from time to time "how old would Emma be now mom?".... It kills me.... But I smile and tell me... Then that always is followed by a "Oh, Man I wish she was here..." ... So do I .... :cry: Then other day I walked into our bedroom and noticed my OH had tears in his eyes and looking at our Em's picture and things.. :cry: We all miss her terribly ... 

Hating all the "what if's" and ecspecially all the "would have been's" .... :cry:

Sadness & depression is knocking on my door again .... 

I'm SOOO sorry babe for spilling all that on your thread... Just kind of fell out... 

I hate it that you all are in this terrible nightmare as well!!! hate it!! :nope:


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## sunkiss

im so sorry hunny, i know so much of how u r feeling right now...missing my baby too so much and not being pregnant just makes u feel so empty inside, i pray the pain can be replaced by a wonderful gift this yr :hugs:


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## DueSeptember

:cry:


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## AmandaBaby

I'm so sorry :'( x


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## duckytwins

:hugs: 

i wish i could offer some... well, anything, really... i'm sorry


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## parisa

kiki04 said:


> When setting up the xmas tree :cry: Hadlee should be here, sleeping away in her little bassinet while we had our xmas music on and me and the older kids and daddy decorated the tree, until she started screaming, then I would go get her and change her and nurse her until she was happy again.... but instead I was hanging an ORNAMENT ON MY TREE TO REMEMBER HER!!!! :brat: I am just getting so angry all over again lately... I want my baby... and I want to be pg again... and I dont get either of those right now :cry:

This message has made me cry for u........I am actually shedding tears as I am typing. I am soooo sorry honey. Unfotunately ther eis nothing that u can do to bring ur little angel back. She is with u, and while u r decorating that tree, she is a part of u and will always be.......
I hope to God that when the time is right, u become pregnant again. It is very natural to mourn, and nobody can tell u to stop crying and that it was meant to be and all that crap. When u lose a child, non of that makes sense.
I still cry for the baby that I lost, I still talk to her....I still remember her. I had so many dreams, plans and wishes for her.......but her life was over too soon. Please take care of urself and ur beautiful children, they too must be suffering...although I don't know their ages. I know that u can always become pregnant again, but I also know that non of those pregnancies will be Hadlee.......Just keep her memory clos in ur heart, and that is really all that u can do! I wish I could be there to give u a hug.

Parisa


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