# "But All Kids Do That"



## Starry Night

This is a really ranty post and I have never done one of these before but I am just stewing and I don't want to usurp anyone else's thread.

I am just so sick of hearing "but all kids do that" when I try to explain what makes my son autistic. I know people are trying to wrap their minds around my son's diagnosis. We were pretty shocked too. But I'm just so sick of it! I am tired of having to defend his diagnosis. We didn't seek it out! Everything had been done by the doctor(s). 

I'm specifically stewing about something my SiL said (my brother's wife). I was speaking with her and my mother over Skype and was just saying his occupational therapy was starting next week and they wanted to know what that was, so I was saying it was with the motor skills that some autistic kids struggle with such as balance (riding a bike, going on a swing, etc). And I mentioned how I wanted my first goal for my DS to be working on buttons and zippers.

Well, my SiL had to pipe up that her kids had a hard time with those things too Apparently, my 7 year old nephew just learned how to swing and that my 4 year old niece still has trouble on a bike. "She still needs training wheels". Um, yeah? She's 4? My son screams a fit just sitting him on the bike with training wheels.

I just feel like my concerns are being minamalized or that I'm making this whole diagnnosis up for attention. I never saught out the label. But I've always known my DS needed some sort of help and I thought getting specialist support would let others know I'm not crazy. But I guess it doesn't matter.

Personally, I am starting to think this whole "but all kids do that" is a cover for fears about their own kids. My DH and I really think both my niece and nephew could be somewhere on the spectrum. They hit on a lot of the red flags. They just don't have the speech delays and they are homeschooled so it's likely they won't really run into problems.

I've met other autistic kids. My son is most definitely autistic.


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## Thurinius

Oh I know that one!

People tell me about their not terribly social children not realising that their children could make friends if they wanted unlike my son.
Or say, well not all children are chatter boxes, my daughter is a bit quiet too.


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## AP

:hugs: I completely feel your post, and before diagnosis, we always heard the same. I can only imagine people are trying to reassure us but in reality we just want someone to accept it and support.


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## alibaba24

how frustrating for you. When DD was going through assesment's I heard this alot too. And it really messes with your own view on things. You come to accept there is a problem then suddenly you think wait is THERE REALLY A PROBLEM?! granted we never got the full asd assesment. but my sister often would shrug off anything I told her. as My nephew hits on alot of the asd flags. hes not diagnosed. I do believe he has sensory isssues but thats another story. 

anyway hopefully in time they will come around. they probably are trying to make you feel better or like you say even themselves feel better . sorry no better advice than try let it wash over you. you know your son better than anyone :flower:


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## Starry Night

:hugs: Thanks, everyone.

I agree with Atomic Pink that people are probably just trying to reassure me but it really does feel dismissive. So it's hard to let the comments go. I guess because we work SO HARD and my DS works SO HARD just to do the things that seem normal. Every simple behavioural issue has to be worked through. He has always been a happy, easy-going kid so it kind of masks the challenges---especially to others.

But yeah. Tired of the dismissive remarks. I still get comments on he "speaks just fine". He'll be 4 in about a month and still babbles most of the time and uses one and two-word phrases. The longer sentences are scripting...and even those aren't clear. I don't know any 4 year old that does that. Or even the "I wish my kids didn't talk so much" or "you don't want them to start talking". :dohh:


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## PresqueVu

Starry Night said:


> but it really does feel dismissive.

Yup :(

Comes from a good place I agree, but I find it hard to relate to other parents due to this.

I've had parents commiserate with me in a friendly fashion, when I'm there feeling truly thankful that he's having a 'normal' tantrum or something that a single adult can cope with rather than a meltdown. Their worst behaviour, is sometimes his best!!

It really doesn't take into account how hard some kids have to try either. My boy's phrase at the moment is "I'll be as good as I can be". He's got a good heart. :flower:

You know your own kid, you don't have to defend anything. :hugs:


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## mummy2o

It will be come more noticeable in some cases as they grow up. At 7 my son still needs training wheels (we're getting him a disabled tricycle soon though as training wheels don't go up any more :() and swinging on a swing is still out the question. However, he has managed to recently become dry at night, he is now speaking in longer sentences and he can tell me where all the buses go in Bristol.

On the plus side starry you'll miss all the why questions. I think as others say they mean it in good will, but its actually easier just to let us moan about our kids, like they do about theirs. We don't turn round and say I so wish x could do that, when they are complaining about their kids doing something we could only dream about at that stage in their development.

The best part about Oss now going to a special school is I meet none of the other parents as he goes off on the bus. Then when there is a school event going on and we all get together (none of the boys tend to have play dates and Oss doesn't mind) we support and help each other and give each other advise if that makes sense.


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## Starry Night

I'm fairly lucky in that several ladies at my church are fostering children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome which can have similar behavioral and learning issues as autism so I do get some understanding. Kids that look 'normal' on the surface but have their own issues. It's been the hardest with family. My DH's family has been having an especially hard time but my brother's wife has been difficult too but I do think it's because she is a known worrier (like me) and her kids really do hit a lot of red flags even if they actually aren't on the spectrum.

The biggest frustration and worry about them being so dismissive is with his bolting. He'll start running off while under another family member's watch and I'll start screaming at them to go catch him and everyone looks at me like I'm a pyscho and they'll say "he's fine" BUT HE'S NOT!!! My son will not come back on his own. You HAVE to go catch him and he WILL run into traffic. It's so terrifying. We use a harness and leash for a reason.


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## DonnaBallona

Believe it or not, I get this too, my youngest is tube fed, has significant medical issues and was recently diagnosed at great Ormand street with a rare disease. 

Yet still I hear 'oh yeah, my kids are fussy too!' :growlmad: erm.... No. My son isn't fussy. He can't swallow! 
I find it's mainly family that try to tell me that he looks fine. It's usually when I'm most worried about something too, so it really grinds my gears. 

I didn't ask for this, I don't want our life to be like it is. But it is what it is. 
X


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## kealz

I agree with all comments! My son has receptive and spoken language delay as well as global difficulties (2.5yrs) and my friend says they all struggle with dome things and then went on to moan that she couldn't get her language confident 18 month old to say "conservatory" properly! Grr! It's not the same! x


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## alibaba24

DonnaBallona said:


> Believe it or not, I get this too, my youngest is tube fed, has significant medical issues and was recently diagnosed at great Ormand street with a rare disease.
> 
> Yet still I hear 'oh yeah, my kids are fussy too!' :growlmad: erm.... No. My son isn't fussy. He can't swallow!
> I find it's mainly family that try to tell me that he looks fine. It's usually when I'm most worried about something too, so it really grinds my gears.
> 
> I didn't ask for this, I don't want our life to be like it is. But it is what it is.
> X

I think you were on the prem boards when my daughter was born :flower:

sounds unbelievably insensitive that kind of thing boggles my mind :shrug:


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## alibaba24

kealz said:


> I agree with all comments! My son has receptive and spoken language delay as well as global difficulties (2.5yrs) and my friend says they all struggle with dome things and then went on to moan that she couldn't get her language confident 18 month old to say "conservatory" properly! Grr! It's not the same! x

thats so annoying 18mo?!

my dd has an expressive and receptive language disorder its very diffult. good your lil guy is a delay more than disorder.


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## kealz

alibaba24 said:


> kealz said:
> 
> 
> I agree with all comments! My son has receptive and spoken language delay as well as global difficulties (2.5yrs) and my friend says they all struggle with dome things and then went on to moan that she couldn't get her language confident 18 month old to say "conservatory" properly! Grr! It's not the same! x
> 
> thats so annoying 18mo?!
> 
> my dd has an expressive and receptive language disorder its very diffult. good your lil guy is a delay more than disorder.Click to expand...

He is improving bless him but it's slow progress. We're waiting on assessments so unsure if he will be offically diagnosed with anything yet, just going by what special ed. service have said. How old is your dd? It must be difficult. 

Yep, my friends daughter has just turned 2 now and she can hold a full-on conversation!


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## alibaba24

kealz said:


> alibaba24 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> kealz said:
> 
> 
> I agree with all comments! My son has receptive and spoken language delay as well as global difficulties (2.5yrs) and my friend says they all struggle with dome things and then went on to moan that she couldn't get her language confident 18 month old to say "conservatory" properly! Grr! It's not the same! x
> 
> thats so annoying 18mo?!
> 
> my dd has an expressive and receptive language disorder its very diffult. good your lil guy is a delay more than disorder.Click to expand...
> 
> He is improving bless him but it's slow progress. We're waiting on assessments so unsure if he will be offically diagnosed with anything yet, just going by what special ed. service have said. How old is your dd? It must be difficult.
> 
> Yep, my friends daughter has just turned 2 now and she can hold a full-on conversation!Click to expand...



she is 5. the hardest part has been watching her socialising suffer. she is starting to make little friends now but its been a long time coming. we are going through assesments etc

at 2 my daughter would only copy certain words. crazy my 16 month old copies EVERYTHING


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## kealz

Do you find yourself extra sensitive to it all now with your youngest? I have a 2 month old and I am talking and singing to him constantly, he is a proper little chatterbox though like yours and loves nothing more than to have a little 'conversation'! I talk/sing a lot and read books with ds1 all the time and always have done, the rational side of me knows it's not my fault that he is struggling but with ds2 I somehow find myself thinking I won't let it happen again. It's mad!


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## mummy2o

kealz said:


> Do you find yourself extra sensitive to it all now with your youngest? I have a 2 month old and I am talking and singing to him constantly, he is a proper little chatterbox though like yours and loves nothing more than to have a little 'conversation'! I talk/sing a lot and read books with ds1 all the time and always have done, the rational side of me knows it's not my fault that he is struggling but with ds2 I somehow find myself thinking I won't let it happen again. It's mad!

I'm the same with DD. I do not wish for her to have autism also, although despite all this I don't think there is anything I can do to change who she is. Since autism is decided in the womb and all. Her delays are still within the normal range, but it still upsets me when I hear about people's kids running around and Erika seems to just crawl everywhere and even that was late. Also the health professionals seem to think its all my fault and I'm not doing anything to encourage her to talk/walk, etc. I really can't do much more in my day to encourage her right now. She gets my full attention most of the time since DS is away all week at school and goes to his dad's every other weekend. So 12 days she has my full attention. But still she's doing things DS does\did, just makes you wonder.


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## alibaba24

kealz said:


> Do you find yourself extra sensitive to it all now with your youngest? I have a 2 month old and I am talking and singing to him constantly, he is a proper little chatterbox though like yours and loves nothing more than to have a little 'conversation'! I talk/sing a lot and read books with ds1 all the time and always have done, the rational side of me knows it's not my fault that he is struggling but with ds2 I somehow find myself thinking I won't let it happen again. It's mad!

yes 100% I am constantly narrating to her. talking to her every second singing pointing books a lot more than i ever did with DD1 . not because DD1 didnt get these things she did but I just feel like i need to apply myself to langauge learning constantly. its so tiring and kids pick up language naturally from observing there peers (normally) so i know i am being a little OTT but cannot help it. for example my 16 month old waves and says bye to everyone when we are leaving somewhere or when she sees someone getting there coat etc. how does she know to do this?! something my first daughter did not just pick up naturally the way my baby has


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## alibaba24

mummy2o said:


> kealz said:
> 
> 
> Do you find yourself extra sensitive to it all now with your youngest? I have a 2 month old and I am talking and singing to him constantly, he is a proper little chatterbox though like yours and loves nothing more than to have a little 'conversation'! I talk/sing a lot and read books with ds1 all the time and always have done, the rational side of me knows it's not my fault that he is struggling but with ds2 I somehow find myself thinking I won't let it happen again. It's mad!
> 
> I'm the same with DD. I do not wish for her to have autism also, although despite all this I don't think there is anything I can do to change who she is. Since autism is decided in the womb and all. Her delays are still within the normal range, but it still upsets me when I hear about people's kids running around and Erika seems to just crawl everywhere and even that was late. Also the health professionals seem to think its all my fault and I'm not doing anything to encourage her to talk/walk, etc. I really can't do much more in my day to encourage her right now. She gets my full attention most of the time since DS is away all week at school and goes to his dad's every other weekend. So 12 days she has my full attention. But still she's doing things DS does\did, just makes you wonder.Click to expand...

what delays does she have? if you don't mind me asking


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## mummy2o

alibaba24 said:


> mummy2o said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> kealz said:
> 
> 
> Do you find yourself extra sensitive to it all now with your youngest? I have a 2 month old and I am talking and singing to him constantly, he is a proper little chatterbox though like yours and loves nothing more than to have a little 'conversation'! I talk/sing a lot and read books with ds1 all the time and always have done, the rational side of me knows it's not my fault that he is struggling but with ds2 I somehow find myself thinking I won't let it happen again. It's mad!
> 
> I'm the same with DD. I do not wish for her to have autism also, although despite all this I don't think there is anything I can do to change who she is. Since autism is decided in the womb and all. Her delays are still within the normal range, but it still upsets me when I hear about people's kids running around and Erika seems to just crawl everywhere and even that was late. Also the health professionals seem to think its all my fault and I'm not doing anything to encourage her to talk/walk, etc. I really can't do much more in my day to encourage her right now. She gets my full attention most of the time since DS is away all week at school and goes to his dad's every other weekend. So 12 days she has my full attention. But still she's doing things DS does\did, just makes you wonder.Click to expand...
> 
> what delays does she have? if you don't mind me askingClick to expand...

She's just always behind developmentally. She couldn't sit at 6 months, couldn't crawl until late, she's still not walking at 15 months (although my son just made the cut off at 18 months). These are the main ones, but we do ages and stages with the health visitor every 2-3 months. It's like a short sheet to see if they can do things across social, gross\fine motor skills and other developmental areas. She's always be the black area which is area of concern and refer to paediatrician which they won't do until she's older.


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## alibaba24

my daughter didnt sit herself until 9/10 months. crawl at 10 months and just started toddling 16 months. fine motor and language development is great hv was not concerned at all she was late in sitting. interesting each baby and health visitor


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## Starry Night

My son was behind on his physical milestones. He didn't sit up on his own until a year. That's when he crawled and he didn't walk until 21 months. The social stuff seemed normal to me at the time (being my first baby and all) but looking back on old videos I can see some of the red flags.

And yeah, I'm so hyper-vigilant with my daughter. I saw her doctor yesterday and he's happy with her development and ability to engage and joint attention. Made me feel loads better. But it's still hard to just sit back and enjoy her.


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## fidgets mammy

Hi, my son is dyspraxic and I get what u are saying, if I try and explain his difficulties in too hear, yeah but is that not just boys, or mine is the same. No, no they aren't. Exactly the same as dealing with two yr old twins having tantrums is not the same as their one child doing it. I don't think they mean any wrong by what they say, I think they think they're empathising with us, trying to make us feel better and not alone, but instead it feels like they're belittling our child's needs and efforts. Not to mention the support, heartache and general worry us parents deal with alongside it all. X


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