# Ready to share my story - 5 weeks later



## 3xscharmer

I lost my son Zane 5 weeks and 2 days ago at 17 weeks. I have had 6 early miscarriages (1 healthy DD) and to loose my son so far in is devastating. My pregnancy with him was going pretty good, I'd had some spotting from weeks 4-6 but he held in there and I finally made it past the dreaded 12 week mark. I wasn't neive enough to consider myself "safe" and I was constantly worrying about every little thing and constantly dreaming that he wouldn't make it, waking up crying so relieved it was just a nightmare...until that nightmare became my reality. On Thursday September 6th we went to one of those early ultrasound places and were told he was a boy and he looked perfect, HB was good, I wasn't dissapointed even though I wanted my DD to have a sister, I was coming to terms with it and we named Him William Zane because William is the family name. I love his name so much and it made me really excited to be having a boy. 3 days later on Sunday September 9th I woke up feeling funny, I had been feeling him moving for about 2 weeks and I just felt empty, I couldn't feel him at all. So I grabbed my HB monitor and started trying to find his HB but couldn't and I remember DH coming in and asking me if I'd found it yet and me telling him NO and then falling apart crying asking him why I couldn't find our baby. So I went to the local small hospital which didn't have an ultrasound department and they tried on their doppler and couldn't find anything so they transported me via ambulance to the big hospital with DH following us in the car. At the big hospital I waited forever for an ultrasound and when they gave me one they wouldn't let me see the screen but from my angle I could just see that green HB line and it was flat, I told DH and cried forever until the ER doc came in, I could see she was having trouble telling me, so I just said "it's bad news huh"? she said "yeah kid, I'm sorry there's no HB (fyi, I'm not a kid persay, I'm 24) so they sent me to L&D and I waited there for my doc, when she came in she did another ultrasound to be sure and she didn't hid the screen. I was given some tabs to bring on labor and at 2:22am on Setpember 10, 2012 my son was born with his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck 3 times and his face discolored where he had been strangled. He was perfectly tiny, had his sisters nose and so beautiful. He was 4.4 ounces and 7 1/2 inches. I cried before I had him and after, but I didn't cry when I held him, he was just so beautiful and I wanted to remeber every detail so I just stared at him, I didn't speak except to ask DH if he wanted to hold him, I only touched him with my fingertip because he was just so fragile looking. I had some complications with my placenta so I had to have a D&C about 12 hours later. We left the hospital that evening and we brought him with us, we decided that too many times we've walked into a hospital pregnant and walked out with empty arms, so this time we got to bring our baby with us. I cried the 45 minutes to the funeral home and the 45 minutes home, sobbed actually. We creamated him and he's now in a heart necklace for me to wear. I picked the heart instead of the cross to replace the heart he took with him when he left me. I haven't worn it yet, DH was not happy with the chain part of the necklace, he said it was too flimsy and will get me a good one so it doesn't break. My house became a prision for me after that, I couldn't take showers with my dd because I knew the last time I took a shower with her my son was alive, doing laundry I would come across maternity clothes and other clothing I'd worn with Zane and I'd fall apart, on my knees in the laundry room sobbing while clutching those clothes. I would find myself holding my breath waiting to feel movements that were never going to come. It's been 5 weeks though and I'm doing somewhat better, I still cry at random moments and have been crying the whole time I've been typing this. We have decided that even after 7 losses and no explanations we are going to try again soon and that fills me with so much hope, I know that nothing can replace my son, I've had enough losses to know that one baby cannot replace another, but I need something positive to look forward tood. I hope that someday I will find myself back in the hospital but this time with a screaming healthy baby in my arms. I am so sorry to those who have had to endure this, the pain is un-measurable and pray that someday we are all blessed with our rainbows.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Lottelotte

I am so sorry. There are no words.... :cry:
All i can hope is that the coming weeks and months are gentle on you. And that we get our rainbows soon...


I lost my Rory last week, and we had the funeral this afternoon. I hate that any of us have to go through this, it is just so unfair. I also lost a little girl last year. 

Thinking of you :hugs:

Xxx


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## 3xscharmer

I am so sorry for your losses, I know today must have been so hard, fly high babies, fly high :hugs: :hugs:


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## Hellylou

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy at 16 weeks on 10th September 2011, exactly a year before. My loss was to PPROM and he passed during delivery but that date will forever be set in my heart and I am so sorry that the date will have the same sadness for you too.

Wishing you gentle days and weeks ahead and hoping for that rainbow baby for you soon.


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
I am so so deeply sorry for your loss of Zane, what a beautiful and fun name. I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, i gave birth in my home, we buried her on 3-11-2011. I was 40 when i got pregnant by accident, i already had 3 boys 20, 18 and 12, so Ava was just a blessing to us, the little girl i never thought I would ever have :cry::cry: Now she is gone and my heart still aches for her, things were getting better until my Sister In Law announced her pregnancy, she is now 37 weeks and is not saying what she is having, i just know it is a girl. She also has 3 boys 16,13 and 10 and she is 38. The baby will be here soon and I don't know how I am going to get through it. All we can do is take it one day at a time. The pain gets a bit easier as time goes by, you just accept it is a new normal now, but you just never ever get over this, it is impossible. I am always here if you ever need to talk, I am so sorry you are here with us, but these women are amazing and if it was not for them I just do not know what i would have done..
All my Love, Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

Hellylou - so sorry for the loss of your son too, in some strange (hopefully non-offending way) I am glad I will not be alone in my grief on September 10 of next year. So glad you were able to get your rainbow, with all the losses I've had, I don't know if I will ever have a rainbow as they can't find anything wrong with us.

Andypanda - So sorry about Ava, I'm pretty sure you comforted me with some of my other losses, so glad you reached out to me again. I hope you are able to find away to cope with your SIL's pregnancy, it's hard when everyone else is getting pregnant and having their babies and we know in our hearts that it should've been us. I know I don't deserve to have a baby any more than anyone else here, but after 7 losses, I'm just ready for it to be my time, my silent prayer to God is "please let it just be my time now". Are you done having babies or are you going to try again? Good luck either way and I pray for all of our healing. 

RIP babies, fly high..


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## SabrinaKat

I'm so sorry, sweetheart -- I am glad, however, that you were able to come on and tell us your story....

I hope that little William Zane is looking down on his mummy and knows how much you love him....

best wishes, honey........

Pamela


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## Andypanda6570

3xscharmer said:


> Hellylou - so sorry for the loss of your son too, in some strange (hopefully non-offending way) I am glad I will not be alone in my grief on September 10 of next year. So glad you were able to get your rainbow, with all the losses I've had, I don't know if I will ever have a rainbow as they can't find anything wrong with us.
> 
> Andypanda - So sorry about Ava, I'm pretty sure you comforted me with some of my other losses, so glad you reached out to me again. I hope you are able to find away to cope with your SIL's pregnancy, it's hard when everyone else is getting pregnant and having their babies and we know in our hearts that it should've been us. I know I don't deserve to have a baby any more than anyone else here, but after 7 losses, I'm just ready for it to be my time, my silent prayer to God is "please let it just be my time now". Are you done having babies or are you going to try again? Good luck either way and I pray for all of our healing.
> 
> RIP babies, fly high..

I am trying now but only till December. I am 42 years old so even if I do get pregnant I will be 43, that for me is the cut off :cry::cry: So if it happens it happens if not, at least I can say i tried. All My Love To You XOXOXO :hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks Sabrinakat, such kind words mean a lot.

Andypanda - I hope it happens for you and you get your rainbow, if not then I hope that you are at piece with your decision to stop trying. Good luck, wishing nothing but the best your way.


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## Wilfbown

I am so sorry Charmer :hugs: Stay strong.

My thoughts are with you and your family xxx


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks Wilfbown, I'm trying to be as strong as I can but some days are just harder than others. Hope you are doing well.


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## Pink_Sparkle

Thank you for sharing your story. Im so so sorry for the loss of your little boy. I lost my baby girl 2 months ago when my waters broke at 19 weeks. We're not sure why this happened, infact we have our hospital appointment tomorrow to discuss the results of her post mortem. Like you we are looking forward to the future and hope to conceive soon. No baby will ever replace our angels....The will be forever our precious babies xx


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks Pink, I actually read your story when I was pregnant with Zane still and cried...hope you are finding peace and healing...good luck at your appt.


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## Av2805

Charmer,I have no words I sat and cried reading your story. I lost my little girl at 20 weeks due to pprom on the 31st July this year. All I can say to you is my heart aches for you and I know how hard it is every single day:hugs: xx


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks AV, so sorry for your loss, it is a daily fight to keep the tears at bay and focus on life...I'm sure it'll get easier, but it'll never truly be "okay" again. Losing a child is never "okay" so I'm just struggling to find my new normal and hoping the day comes where the pain isn't crippling. Hope you are finding your peace and healing as well.


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## Av2805

I know it is Hun :hugs: and I don't think it's ever ok either my Auntie lost a child 30 years ago and she said something that kind of made me deal with each day a bit better,she said I've got a Christopher shaped hole in my heart and he will always be there and that's what we have chick and they will always be with us no matter what. Xxx


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## babyhopes2010

:hugs:


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## babyfromgod

I'm so sorry for your loss xx


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## MissWhite91

Hun i am so sorry for your loss. Im in tears after reading your story, you will one day walk out of the hospital with your baby but for now your angel babys are flying high and watching over you. Sending you lots of :hug: and :dust:


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks everyone for your support, it's been just over 8 weeks now and it is getting easier...


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## TatorMom

I'm so very sorry about Zane.:hugs: It gives me hope and strength to know that you and your OH are trying again. One minute I want to try again and the next I don't. It's such a bizarre state to be in. With having our boys we know how much we have to gain, but also what we lost. I know that if we hadn't of lost our triplets at 16 weeks 4.5 years ago we never would've had DS1, so it wasn't in vain and I would've have gone through it a million times to have our amazing little boy. The same happened with DS2, after I m/c at 6wks. It doesn't make you forget, but for me I feel like it made sure our experience and grief wasn't in vain. It made me feel like we hadn't gone through the loss to end up with nothing. It also dulled the pain to be able to be looking forward to a new life, and made bringing our beautiful boys home oh so much sweeter. I don't know if any of that makes any sense. DH and I just talked about it and he's 100% supportive of trying again right away, as it's painful for him too and he desperately wants another baby. I'm just so terrified. I'm terrified I'll loose the pregnancy at 36+ weeks, or something will happen to the baby after it's born and we haven't even started trying yet. DH said I'm way over thinking it and I need to enjoy every moment because we never know how many moments we'll get, and I know he's right, but it's hard to not worry. I called my OB this after noon and asked her to take my IUD out tomorrow morning, so we can go ahead and start "not, not trying" for awhile. I took our son to COSI (children's museum) today and looking around almost every mom had their face buried in their cell phone. It made me sad and angry all at the same time, and I'll admit I had been guilty of that too, but those moments with your kids may be the only one's you get. DH and I have learned that first hand. I just wanted to plead with them, please please enjoy these moments. Soak them up because life is so very fragile. One moment you and your child could be here and healthy and the next, gone. For that I'll be forever thankful to Grace and Paige. They've taught me to live in the moment and not take things for granted in a way I never would have had we not had and then lost them. I don't want to be anxious and worried, but just soak it up knowing that we really have no control over many things in life. I feel like I can't give my boys enough hugs and kisses and can't tell them I love them enough. I'll always love our baby girls and be forever thankful for them. We've had moments of numbness, anger, anxiety, and unconsolable sadness. Our baby girls broke our hearts when grew their wings and left this earth, but they made DH and I better parents, better spouses and better people. 

:hugs:To every parent who's lost a baby, no matter how small, I wish you healing, strength, love, and rainbow babies.:hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

It is just a really confusing time, DH and I had a sit down a couple of minutes ago and decided that we (me) just weren't ready even though like your DH mine is all about trying again "whenever I'm ready" but October 30th made exactly 3 years since the very first miscarriage and in those 3 years I have been pregnant 8 (8) times and that includes a full-term pregnancy and 5month PP with my DD. I think that at this time I've just had enough of being pregnant but I go back and forth from wanting to not-wanting and it changes from minute to minute. I am so sorry that you've had so many losses as well, it does make the children we have that much more special but yeah, we do often get so caught up that we take it for granted even after all that we've been through, which is yet another reason we are going to wait another couple of months, I've gotten so caught up in the ttc and m/c process that it's taking it's toll on me and I feel that I'm only half a mom to my DD. Plus I think I want to get through the holidays "happy" instead of worrying about another m/c. We are also thinking about adoption...but not sure on that yet, I've been looking into it since before having DD but have only just recently been more seriously considering it. Good luck with whatever you and dh decide, hope that you are at peace with whatever decision you make. We are so lucky to have gotten to experience all that we have, losses included because it has made us the strong ppl that we are today. Good luck in your future journey of NTNP, hope you get that sticky, forever baby!


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## majored

Hi, ive very sorry for what you have gone through. I lost my baby last year just before christmas. My waters had broke and i gave birth within a few days after i took the tablets. My son was born at 9.30am with the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times. They informed me this was not the cause of me loosing him ( Samuel). We had a pm done to check what went wrong and to help me have an answer for our loss. After waiting for 3 months they informed me that the cord had caused it. Samuel had been that active and he had tangled himself up. This in turn slowed down the blood flow to/from the placenta and this had created small blood clots which could only been seen in a lab. So they checked to see if my blood clotted easily, which came back ok. The blood clots were caused by the lack of blood flow due to the tangle. My waters then broke as my body knew that the pregnancy was in trouble if you like. Samuel did live inside of me for 2 days after my waters broke, i was 18 weeks. I also had trouble in delivering my placenta i was so stressed out i didnt want an operation. So they give me a manual placenta removal, which was the worse pain ive ever had. However it was over in seconds. 
It took me along time to come with to terms with the fact that i had not done anything to cause this. I felt like trying to get pregnant again straight away, however couple of weeks later i saw things in a different light and i know iam such a bad worrier and i need to get better before i try again. Time is running out for me as my age and my weight is my main concern at the moment. 

Life at times can be so unfair at times, but time is the only thing that heals.

Please take care


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## 3xscharmer

Majored - thank you for sharing your story, it is very similiar to mine, they tried several times over a 12 hour period to manually remove my placenta and yeah, it hurts pretty bad especially becuase mine was stuck and my body was not ready to say goodbye. I am so sorry for what you've been through and yeah, I am going to give myself time, I've been pregnant so much these past 3 years that I just feel like I deserve some time to live and not focus/worry about getting/being pregnant. Take care of yourself and I hope that as you approch Samuel's first birthday you are easy on yourself. Good luck in your journey and hope you get a sticky baby soon. :hugs:


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## xforuiholdonx

:hugs:


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## maxalias

oh sweetie, I am so sorry, Your story sounded so familiar to me. I knew our baby was sick when we had the 12 weeks scan but it was just before the amnio at 16 weeks that we had a scan and our wee girl was gone. I also have her ashes in a heart shaped locket, I also had to buy a better chain as the one was far too flimsy that came with it and I couldnt bare the thought of losing it. My wee daughter wears her sister around her neck sometimes, She loves her sister, she is 4 years old and has been amazing support to me. WE lost our wee girl on the 1st september this year and it still feels lie someone elses bad dream. I am sending you my love xxx


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## 3xscharmer

Thanks Maxalias, sounds like you lost your baby girl just 9 days before I lost my son. How are you getting on? I still cry and fall apart most days so we've decided not to ttc again and are instead looking into other alternatives. My DH got me a chain for Christmas but it didn't fit so I still have to get one but DH really wants to pick out the chain so I have to wait on him to find the "perfect" one. Sending my love back to you xxx


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## houli1983

:hugs: :hugs: xxx


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## Maxparedesmom

I'm so sorry for ur loss .. My story is pretty close I lost my son at 19 weeks 5 days when we lost his heart beat . I gave brith to him 12/20/12 and also cremated him and I too have a heart necklace with his ashes inside of it.. It's truly hard to get threw everyday .. They say it gets easier but I don't think It does...


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## FarfromHome

:hugs: You are in my prayers:hugs:


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## 3xscharmer

thank you to everyone who has offered me love, kindness and support. As we approach his due date of February 18th, I find myself dreading that date and crying much more. 

Maxsmom - So sorry about your son, I wrote to you in your thread and wanted to tell you that I hope you are doing okay...but I know your not "okay", losing a child is NEVER "okay" and will never be okay, so I don't think we'll ever be okay either again. Hope that you are finding some peace and comfort in your time of grief and know that we are ALL here for you if you need to talk :hugs:


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## Maxparedesmom

Thank you 3xscharmer .. It's hard .. We are trying again . That's all that gets me threw most days is knowing we are trying.. We know this cycle prolly won't work since I haven't gotten my af yet .. But we are hoping for next month


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