# To the baby boy I thought I didn't want



## Ashla

Hi everyone.

When I was struggling with Gender Disappointment during my PG I searched everywhere for others feeling the same thing. I wish I had known about this forum then!

Anyway, this is what I wish someone had told me when I was PG. If you are struggling with gender disappointment after finding out you are having a boy, please read! (Spoiler- it has a happy ending :winkwink:)

Dear Son,

I remember the moment I knew you were a he. It was the day before my 12 week scan and I was pulling into the driveway after work when it hit me: I was having a boy. It didn't stop me crying the next day when you moved in just the right way for the technician to be absolutely certain that you were a boy. I was so angry at the world. I had waited four years for you. I had said goodbye to two unborn babies. I had been to countless fertility specialists. I felt that I had put in so much work, that I deserved you. 

And the you I wanted was a girl.

Part of me wants to sugar coat the rest of the story, to say that after a few days I was happy to be having a healthy baby and that the gender no longer mattered. But I spent the rest of my pregnancy mourning the girl I wasn't having. I set strict rules around the presents that family and friends were allowed to buy you. No clothing with cars or trucks. Nothing too blue. Red was ok. Definitely no dinosaurs. My husband and I worried that I wouldn't bond with you. We stressed about the possibility of a caesarean because we felt that I needed every ounce of the hormones released after a natural birth to aid me in my motherly calling of bonding with you.

And then you were born. Red and squishy, crying loudly. Perfect. But still not a girl.

Everyone had told me that as soon as you were here, I wouldn't care whether you were a boy or a girl. But I did care. I held you. I nursed you. I loved you. I waited for it to not matter that you were a boy.

And then eventually... I noticed that when you were sad you arched you back and cried with every fibre of your being. I noticed that when you were happy you would wriggle and kick as if the joy was so great it leeched into every muscle and compelled you to move. And I came to understand how you feel everything through your body. You started to teach me what it was to inhabit a body as a male. When I look at your dad, I can see that he does the same thing. Society has taught him that he shouldn't show his emotions, but they are evident in the way his shoulders stoop when I criticise him, the way he folds into my hug after a bad day.

And slowly the love unfolded. We had moments of quiet perfection while playing and while nursing. I started to see myself in you: my need to be constantly moving, constantly achieving. I saw some of my own vulnerability in you and felt fiercely protective of you. While at a friends house, I watched some boys aged 5-10 kicking a soccer ball and I felt so scared for you. I didnt want you to have to make you way in that male world. I dont understand it. And if I dont understand it, how would I protect you from its shocks and difficulties? And then today, a tradesman came to our house. I opened the door with you, 13 months old, on my hip. And the tradesman said to you hello muscles. And my heart swelled with pride because you will inhabit a world that I never a will. A world of mate and football scores and dinosaurs and testosterone. And I am proud of your place in it already. I am proud of the part that I will play in helping you grow into that world.

If I had had a daughter, we would have gone shopping together. We would have discussed clothes, and politics and glass ceilings and boys. I would have taught her to find her own style and sass; and to put boys in their place when she needed to. When I was pregnant I spent so much time thinking about how I would teach the daughter I was not having. 

But you, sweet son, taught me that life is what happens when you stop telling yourself a story about what things should look like. You taught me the most important thing that having children can teach any of us: That we are not in charge of this journey, that it will not look like we expect it to look. And that love happens upon us when we open our hearts to what is before us in all its nuanced, complicated (dinosaur-ish) glory.

To my darling son, whom I thought I didnt want, I am so, so, SO glad you are here. You are perfect.


----------



## _jellybean_

Interesting...I would never show a child that though. I think it would be hurtful, tbh.


----------



## Ashla

I absolutely wont show this to him. Ever. The fact that it is a letter is just poetic license. It is for the eyes of this forum and my DH only. I agree Jellybean- our job as parents is to make our children feel unconditionally loved and wanted. Topics like this are for grown ups only.


----------



## Halle71

Lovely!

I came on here today to tell everyone how my 'gender disappointment' baby boy has turned out to be the most wonderful, smiley, content yet adventurous and determined 5 month old. He is a beautiful baby who brings a smile to everyone who meets him as he flirts his way through life!

You have written more explicitly about why women often think they would prefer a girl but I think we are coming from the same place and have both fallen in love with our little boys. 

I've come to realise that it wasn't that I didn't want a boy but that I wanted another girl. If that makes sense.


----------



## maybebaby3

Lovely :)


----------



## _jellybean_

Ashla said:


> I absolutely wont show this to him. Ever. The fact that it is a letter is just poetic license. It is for the eyes of this forum and my DH only. I agree Jellybean- our job as parents is to make our children feel unconditionally loved and wanted. Topics like this are for grown ups only.

It's very sweet hon. For some reason, I thought you were going to give it to your child. I'm exhausted lately...sorry. Glad you have peace.


----------



## Blackrain90

Oh hormones...actually started bawling when I read this. I don't know what I'm having yet, but everytime people make a guess that its a boy, based on my scan or how im carrying, I feel a twinge of disappointment. I have always wanted a girl first, just because we only plan on having two, so at least this would guarantee I get my girl. And I know deep down my husband wants to have his little girl too (even my family wants a girl since my brother is having a boy). But even though I know I will love this baby just as much if it's a boy, I have been worried sick that if it's a boy, I will be uncontrollably disappointed and that the baby will sense it and I think I don't want him (silly I know). I don't think I necessarily want it to be a girl as bad as you did, but reading this was very comforting, so thank you for sharing!


----------



## ocean_dew

Its beautiful and just what I needed, thanks :)


----------



## violet_joy

thanku so much for this, its given me hope i'll get thru it xx


----------



## shayzee

Aww, its good that you've written it down - it does help. Im trying to come to terms with the GD im going through( im angry & upset with myself for feeling it ).Some day i'll be able to talk about it...... .


----------



## Blackrain90

Turns out we are having a boy. I briefly went through some disappointment, but I realized it was more the fact that I couldn't buy little dresses or do his hair up in pigtails that I was sad about rather than just not having a girl. I have come to terms with it and now can't wait to meet my little man :)


----------



## Ashla

So glad it has worked out for you Blackrain. I was disappointed about the lack of cute dresses also. But I have found I am really enjoying buying him cute preppy outfits:)

I know you are going to have such a wonderful time getting to know your son. Congratulations on your little boy!


----------



## Ashla

shayzee said:


> Aww, its good that you've written it down - it does help. Im trying to come to terms with the GD im going through( im angry & upset with myself for feeling it ).Some day i'll be able to talk about it...... .

Yes, it is definitely hard to feel this way. You feel disappointed and then on top of that you feel disappointed with yourself for feeling disappointed! And underneath it all is a voice saying "but I am pregnant, I should be happy." 

When you feel ready to talk about it, please update us. I can't wait to hear your story.


----------



## theamanda

I went through disappointment when I found out I am having a boy. I didn't have it as hard as you, as at 26 ish weeks, It seemed to have all not mattered anymore.... I'm excited to meet my boy now. This story touched my heart though, and It has made me feel that much more love for my unborn baby boy.. thankyou so very much for sharing, and I'm happy for your found peace. :hugs:


----------



## Clever.Name

I think this is beautiful, and so so touching. Bumping it up for the GD ladies on here :)


----------



## Julia35

That's so beautiful, thank you for sharing. I've known for just a little over 24 hours that I'm having boy#3. I have cried and been angry and even questioned God. I could hardly sleep last night even. 

Then, I met a lady with a 5 week old boy that lost her daughter, during the birth. I held her baby, and cried with her. At the end of this day, it is not about frills and bows, it is about receiving a gift! How rude and spoiled I have been to not graciously except the gift I've been given. :)


----------



## proudparent88

So I know it's probably hormones also mixed with the fact that I am naturally an emotional person but this made me cry made me think of how I felt when I found out my second was a boy and I was devastated and cried for days on end and it hurt more returning the girl stuff i had gotten to exchange it with more boy stuff (I had gotten some of each) But when complications hit in the pregnancy and things I was angry at him for being a boy for causing so much heartache and grief inside of me when he was born I was still very angry and had trouble bonding with him until a few months later. I felt horrible for it but just couldn't help it. I look back now and I feel so very guilty for feeling the way I did considering we almost lost him more than once during the pregnancy and then at birth too. I eventually bonded and loved him without a problem and now he clings to me as if we are stuck together like glue he is now 2. He has had two surgeries because of problems after birth but is very healthy and happy still underweight even though he eats like craze but I feel he gets that from his dad as he is tall and very thin as well he can eat what ever he wants and never gain a pound. (Of course I am jealous over that one) :haha: But I love him dearly I thought for sure this pregnancy I would go through the same disappointment again if I found out that the baby was a boy but was overjoyed to find out and hear and see that it is a boy couldn't explain it I think it was the fact I hadn't had an ultrasound to see the baby before in another scan as well as I had a gut instinct that it was a boy. This time I didn't go through the disappointment and found out this baby is healthier and bigger than my other two who were too small to even fit in premie clothing at birth at full term. I am so happy and blessed to have my soon to be three boys as I have two and now one more on the way. This really hit close to home for me because I went through it all too and it's not easy but I am just so very very happy to have my boys! Thanks so much for sharing this because it takes away so much guilt I have felt for over two years over having Tommy. It means a lot to know that I am not alone and haven't been the only one to go through this. Sorry so long. :hugs:


----------



## Pink Sugar

Lovely post it made me cry also I remember how I felt about my fifth i was beyond disappointed more like devastated but now I love my little chunky monkey I honestly felt bad about this pregnancy cause he won't be the "baby" anymore he's my little snuggle bug I love him to pieces


----------



## Unexpected212

This is beautiful


----------



## jelissamo

I cant thank you enough for this letter. It's exactly what I needed to read this morning. I have a beautiful and lively little 2-year-old DD and I could have 5 more just like her. We're expecting our second and everyone has said that it's a boy. Boys scare me a little. I know girl things, eventhough I was a tomboy I am still uncomfortable with guy stuff. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope that it could be a girl and last night my husband scanned me (he's a sonographer) and sure enough we saw the little boy parts right there on the screen. I was happy to see my baby on the screen but it hit me it wasn't a girl. I had a miscarriage before this one and so I am scared that if I'm not happy it's a boy I might lose this one. I know that's stupid, but that's what I was thinking last night. reading this letter really helped me feel normal and it helped me see that I can find joy and pride in the little boy i'm going to have. I know I cant share my feelings with the people I know and love because they just wouldnt understand. I love my little growing baby. I pray as the weeks go by that I become less scared and more happy about his arrival. I know lilly will be happy no matter what. she'll be a great big sister. I find humor in knowing she's going to ask 'what is that?' when she sees his little boy parts. Thank you for your beautiful post. It's been a blessing to my confused heart


----------

