# Really worried about Maria



## Natsku

She used to be so confident and independent but over the last few weeks she's becoming increasingly clingy and anxious, to the point where I can't go anywhere without her, not even to the shop, because she becomes inconsolable. Last night I tried to go play poker and had to come back because OH called after an hour and told me she had just been screaming and crying non-stop since I left, refusing to eat or be comforted or anything. 

In the last two weeks she's become very attached to one of my hoodies as well. She sleeps with it, takes it everywhere around the house with her and even asked to take it to daycare too.

All she says when I ask her why she gets so upset is that she misses me. She's supposed to be starting overnight visits with her dad in a month's time but she already says she doesn't want to go, she doesn't want to be away from me at all. Sometimes she can't even bear to be in a different room from me at home, she has to sit right next to me.

This seems like really extreme separation anxiety and I don't know what to do :(


----------



## AngelofTroy

Poor Maria and poor you, that sounds really hard. I wonder did this start when you told her about the overnight visits with her dad? Could this be her way of expressive nervousness about the changes coming up? 

On a much smaller scale Micah started getting upset about going to his swimming lessons without me when he started nursery. 

Can you maybe carve out some special 'girl time' doing something special for just the two of you on a regular basis? When Micah is going through a clingy phase I make a big deal of having a 'mummy and Micah afternoon', we usually bake something together and while it cooks he chooses a film and we watch it snuggled up with popcorn. The physical closeness seems to help and then we chat while we eat whatever we baked and I try to figure out if anything in particular is bothering him. 

I don't know if any of that will help Maria as she's older but could be worth a try?


----------



## Natsku

It started before she knew about the overnight visits but around the same time that she started seeing her dad again at the supervised visits.

Kept her home today so we can spend some time together just the two of us and we're about to go for a sledging afternoon together. Baking together and watching a film sounds like a really good idea too.


----------



## Nibblenic

I would say its obviously linked to her having contact with her father again. As you have so many services involved with that I would certainly bring it up. It seems a fairly extreme reaction and something she obviously needs help with

Youve obviously hit the nail on the head it is all based around high anxiety, poor girls had a lot to deal with


----------



## kosh

Poor Maria!
As pp said, it has to be related to her seeing her dad again. Perhaps unconsciously she thinks/worries that in the long term you will be leaving her with her dad completely? Could you try re-assuring her that even if she starts spending time with her dad you will _always_ be with her?


----------



## Natsku

Been trying to reassure her. Got her 5 year check up next week so going to speak to her nurse about it, and our social worker comes round tomorrow so I'll speak to her too. Poor girl gets so upset, its heart-wrenching :(


----------



## bumpy_j

Poor Maria :( and I agree with the others, does she remember much about being separated from you before? I hope her social worker takes it seriously :hugs:


----------



## Natsku

She doesn't seem to remember her visits to her dad's, I asked her and she said she can't remember what it was like.

I'm starting to get worried that she has some kind of attachment disorder or something, the more I think about her early separations the more traumatic they seem, like when she was 16 months old and had never been separated from me before at all, not even for a day, and I had to go to the hospital and she was away from me for 3 weeks.


----------



## tommyg

Oh hugs, defently speak with her social worker. It has to relate to her having contact with her Dad. She might have been showing signs of anxiety before you told her about overnight visits but that doesn't mean her Dad didn't tell her. 

Did you ever get her the phone you were thinking about? Has he been able to talk to her unsupervised? 

I think the supervised visits need to keep going for a lot longer before she is ready to go to an overnight with somebody who is effectively a stranger to her.


----------



## Natsku

Her social worker didn't come round yesterday, I got the date wrong. Think I'll give her a call today and see if she can pop in.

I ordered the phone for her but it hasn't been shipped yet. When her dad calls on my phone I put it on speaker but she never wants to talk to him any more. She said to him last night that she doesn't love him or miss him at all. He does talk to her her unsupervised at their meetings though as the supervisor doesn't stay in the same room as them usually.


----------



## tommyg

Yip he is a stranger to her. She is in effect worrying about seeing someone who she doesn't know. 
How would any of us feel if we were being told, "this is a long forgotten Uncle who wants you to start visiting him, and stay overnight" ?

That thought just given me the creeps. She needs more time to slowly get to know him. You must also be feeling anxious about her seeing him. 

Does she know her grandmother on that side, or an auntie? Could they go with her to next visit might be helpful to have a familiar face there.


----------



## Natsku

The supervisor told me the plan is to get his parents involved with the unsupervised visits (I think they are basically trying to make sure that someone is still supervising even though technically the visits are supposed to switch to completely unsupervised) but Maria told me she doesn't remember them either.

To her dad's credit though he hasn't got upset about this and I had a long chat with him last night and explained my worries about Maria and said that we need to find a way to make sure visits don't cause her anxiety and he agreed.


----------



## tommyg

At least he's understanding that it must be difficult for her to be meeting him.

Oh no I was hoping she would know them so they could help break the ice even in the supervised visits especially since she is being left alone with him.

Is there any mutual friends that you both know who would be able to attend a couple of visit with her. Just someone who is able to make her see he's not completely scary? 

I can't remember the circumstances of your split but was violence / aggression involved could she deep down remember that?
I take it language isn't an issue with them?


----------



## Natsku

No we don't have any mutual friends, he doesn't really have any friends at all.

There was a lot of aggression involved with the split but she was fine with him before all the hospital stuff started. I think the long gap between visits has just made him somewhat of a stranger to her, he's also changed his appearance quite radically since she last had unsupervised visits with him so that makes it even harder for her. Language isn't an issue.


----------



## LaughOutLoud

It does seem she is more or less frightened of the situation, if not her father. Can't they let you visit with her till she settles? It seems all too new and sudden for her to be without you an meet "strangers".

I may say her behaviour seems acceptable given the cicumstance am I really feel for you both. Hope you get things sorted.


----------



## tommyg

Given the lack of mutual friends or family who are familiar I think I would ask to attend one or two visit with her. I know that isn't going to be easy for you. But it must be frightening to be told that you have to go to a contact center and be left alone with someone who you don't know.


----------



## Natsku

I'm not allowed to attend, I asked at the first visit.


----------



## tommyg

Seriously what a nightmare. Can you insist that the social worker does not leave her alone with him until she gets to know him.


----------



## Natsku

I'll speak to her. Now they're starting 'supported' visits instead of supervised and I'm not entirely sure what that means.


----------



## tommyg

Supported probably means that the social worker does need to stay and supervise. They need to know that she isn't coping and is becoming frightened. The visits might be appearing to go ok but they are missing that she is frightened and anxious


----------



## Natsku

The social worker said he's also struggling to set boundaries and limits to her behaviour in the visits which might be confusing her a lot.


----------



## tommyg

Ok so he has no control. And is possibly frightening her with his methods. 
It just sounds like a disaster and they have moved too quickly for them both. Although they have maybe decided he isn't a risk so going by the book no reason to stick to supervised visits. But maybe he needs parenting lessons? 

Social work need to be fully aware that she is deeply affected. I would ask for a physiologist to be involved to avoid any long term damage.


----------



## Natsku

I think parenting lessons are exactly what he needs, wonder if they have them here. I need to explain all of this at her care plan meeting on Tuesday.


----------



## tommyg

Good plan. I'm sure they must have something that he could attend or at least be able to point him in the direction of a good book.
I can't be easy for him either having your kid not wanting to know you
Hope they understand where you are coming from. Keep us posted.


----------



## Natsku

Will do, thanks for your ideas and advice.


----------



## tommyg

How did the meeting with the social workers go today?


----------



## Natsku

Went ok. I told them my concerns and we're going to have my support worker come observe us and see how clingy she is and they suggested that I start having short separations from Maria to go to the shop with plenty of reassurance beforehand. Also told my concerns to her nurse at her 5 year appointment yesterday and she's going to consult with the child psychologist about it.

However, her dad was there and things between him and Maria went much better actually. She separated from me happily after we finished at her check up and went to the meeting place for her visit time with her dad. Not sure but maybe it helped her to see us both at the same time so it was an easier transition for her. But she was very happy with him, giving him lots of cuddles and kisses so something has changed for her I think.

Also he is doing so much better now so I feel more confident about their visits so maybe my own attitude is coming across to Maria as well. He's off the cannabis completely now and on proper medication and keeping up his out-patient care. Even the social workers were saying how changed he is. On the whole, I feel much more positive since yesterday.


----------



## tommyg

Good seeing you both at the same time has to have helped. That is exactly why I was asking could a 3rd person attend the visit. 

Hopefully she will settle down in her own time now she is a little bit happier seeing her Dad.


----------



## Nibblenic

Glad there is more positive than negative news.


----------

