# Being judged



## Lilly12

How're you ladies dealing with being judged for your parenting style?

Cosleeping, exclusively breastfeeding (or breastfeeding past 6 months), baby led weaning, amber necklaces, cloth diapers, homeschooling, not using the CIO method, babywearing/holding your baby a lot etc.

I know that a lot of people around me think that our parenting Style is going to scar our kid for life .
In their eyes she will be a clingy, antisocial hippy hermit that'll still want to breastfeed at 10 years old.. Or something.

It kind of bothers me because I know this is the best way for my DD to grow up. 
Why do people feel the need to tell us that 
It's better to let get cry it out , it's good for her lungs
She's never going to get off the boob
She will choke on something with BLW
Homeschooling is a joke and she will never be socialized this way and her education will be shit
She will sleep in our bed forever, she will never be independent 
Cloth diapering? Why bother , that's for hippies

And so on... 
How do you deal with that?


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## aliss

I will say, for me, it has gotten better as he has gotten older (mine is 13 months).

In the beginning, for example like yours is so young, people with other opinions seem to think they can still 'persuade' you into their parenting style.

Once you hit 10,12,14+ months, I think people finally realize "Oh.... so she's not going to change", and even better, "Wow, he/she has developed great!".

I got so much smartass remarks in the beginning with my exclusive babywearing, BLW, constant rocking/holding/shushing, etc. but now at 13 months, people see that he eats very well, walks excellent, and even self settles (after months of colic) with a huge personality.

They can't 'SEE' the benefits of your parenting right now. They will. And they will have to anyways, after all, it's your baby and your decision! (unfortunately it will take a longer time for the homeschooling to be evident but clearly they are ignorant anyways about homeschooling).

If what you are doing is wrong, then billions of women over millions of years have apparently been wrong too :rofl: 

Those poor monkeys, lions, dogs, attending to their young's cries & whimpers, nursing, sleeping next to them, didn't anyone give them a proper parenting book? Obviously not!!


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## henny

I just ignore it, I had people saying that I shouldn't have co-slept, thought BLW very strange, babywearing as odd, cloth nappies as being very hippy and bf past 4mths weird :ignore:

When someone called me an earth mother, it just made me laugh.


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## cowboys angel

I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.

Or, "Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" if I'm in a bitchy mood.


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## aliss

Also when people complain about him waking at night or being clingy, I remind them that I must have been night blind because I don't recall them being in my bedroom to assist me with night feedings so why the hell do they really care?


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## cowboys angel

:haha:


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## Tacey

I've found that the more confident I am, the less people get at me. Sometimes I cite research, but more often I just tell them 'It works really well for us.' and make it clear that's the end of the matter. I'm fortunate to have supportive family and if friends aren't as supportive, I just let the relationship fade away.


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## embo216

I think you should think to yourself that people who do the exact opposite are also being judged. Sadly in life we will always be judged for our choices (especially when bringing up our children) Just be confident in your decisions and hold your head up high :) x


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## Kate&Lucas

Usually just a smile and a nod. It's just not worth arguing about with some people.
I find that people will judge over anything. I was walking to the doctors the other day holding Lucas and singing the wheels on the bus to him - the looks I got from people where unreal! I still don't know if they were for carrying his lazy arse or my singing :lol:


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## Aunty E

Most people ask what we did to get an easy ride like Imogen. We follow the path of lest resistance tbh though, rather than all out natural parenting. I like to call our style lazy parenting :) honestly, it's so much easier to do night feeds if you don't have to get out of bed!!


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## Bumpontherun

Aunty E said:


> Most people ask what we did to get an easy ride like Imogen. We follow the path of lest resistance tbh though, rather than all out natural parenting. I like to call our style lazy parenting :) honestly, it's so much easier to do night feeds if you don't have to get out of bed!!

 :thumbup:

We don't go for all out natural parenting either but I did BF for 14 months, wore Helen a lot,part co-slept for the 1st 7 months, allowed her to feed constantly (she was still feeding 2 hourly at 6 months) and did BLW, oh and cloth nappies.

I agree that it gets easier as they get older. I tended to just say - 'oh it seems to be going really well so far' in a sort of vague way and then politely listened to what everyone else was doing. I think it helped that we both really believed in the way we were parenting. We have definitely reaped the benifits though - Helen was hard work as a baby but she's a lovely toddler. The only person who can really get to me is my granny - last week she said to Helen as we were eating lunch - 'oh are you still eating with your hands?' Helen can actually use a fork these days but we were eating shepherds pie made with mince which I think is pretty tricky for a 19 month old to eat using cuttlery. I just ignored her as it seemed pretty obvious that she still eats with her hands!


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## Eala

Unfortunately, having a child means that you will be judged no matter what you do. Whether it's by family and friends, members of the public, at baby groups, on the internet... Wherever. Someone will disagree with something you are doing.

The way I see it, there are two strategies which work for me. The first depends on the person being on the more "curious" side of judgemental, insofar as they would listen if I were to explain my reasons, any particular benefits (eg to cloth nappies). In that case, I try to be careful that I don't fall across the line into sounding judgemental about _their_ parenting in turn. So I tend to only do that if (1) the person isn't being an annoying wazzock and (2) I have time to think about how to phrase my reply.

The second option is to do as Tacey said, and just make some bland comment along the lines of "It's what works best for us" and then firmly change the subject. If the person obviously isn't open to listening to any potential benefits, and is just being a judgemental prat, then I have better things to do with my time than try to argue with them.

As Aliss said too, it does get better as baby gets older too :)


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## Thumper

cowboys angel said:


> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, "Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" if I'm in a bitchy mood.


:rofl: have to use that line!! Unfortunately it won't really work on parents or in laws lol

Also Eala, the word Wazzock isn't used nearly enough these days :rofl:


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## cowboys angel

Thumper said:


> cowboys angel said:
> 
> 
> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, "Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" if I'm in a bitchy mood.
> 
> 
> :rofl: have to use that line!! Unfortunately it won't really work on parents or in laws lol
> 
> Also Eala, the word Wazzock isn't used nearly enough these days :rofl:Click to expand...

Haha yeah, that line is kind of for those NON parent figure people.... :rofl:

I love that word, wazzock! What does it mean? lol


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## Eala

Wazzock? It's like.... idiot, only somehow stupider :rofl: Ignorant idiot? Pass, I just love saying it :blush: Hopefully the word hasn't changed in meaning since I learned it age 11 :haha:


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## lozzy21

I dont give a flying fart what people think of how i raise Niamh. If they think im doing something to harm my child they are quite welcome to ring social services and have told quite a few people that too. So far no visits from a social worker:winkwink::haha:


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## Mrs Muffin

Wazzcock :rofl:


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## Eala

Oi, it's wazzock ;) One "c", not two! Get your mind out of the gutter :rofl:


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## SBB

Wazzock :rofl: wazzcock :rofl: :rofl: 

X x x


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## cowboys angel

:rofl: Wazzock is now a part of my daily vocabulary!


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## Thumper

I love wazzcock! A new twist :D oh Eala I'm going to make sure I get that into conversation today. Wazzock. I think we all should :rofl:


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## NaturalMomma

I felt very lucky for the first 3 years. I didn't get any judgment. My friends didn't care that I was "different" and neither did my family. But then when I had ds2 things changed. We are as crunchy as can be, we parent this way because it is our instincts and I see how happy and healthy our kids are. This is truly what is best for our kids. But I have a sister who is a Pediatrician, and now she's started in on me. When I got pregnant with ds2 she wasn't thrilled about the homebirth, but knew it wasn't her place to say anything. Then a few months ago she told me I need to vaccinate the kids, and ds2 needs to be on whole cow's milk, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not dumb, may not have a MD but I am certified in various birth related areas including breastfeeding counseling (she's not, and has never taken anything on breastfeeding). She also said I shouldn't homeschool because that's not what is best. She has no kids, she has no idea what it takes to raise children and to make srue they are happy, healthy, well balanced, respectul, educated, etc. It takes a lot and there is no 1 way to parent, there is a wide range and we as parents need to utilize what is best for our family. Her critisism only happened once and that was that. I think she has realized that it's a lot different when you actually have kids.


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## 17thy

My daughter is 8 months and we've been CDing and self-leading with pretty much everything. She is the healthiest of her cousins, and the most advanced, so people don't bother me much anymore. But new people that find out I'm cloth diapering always give me a  look.

Its whatever. No one is ever going to agree with everyone else on parenting, all you can do is let it play out and let them see that your baby is happy and healthy.


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## Babushka99

Well one of my 'friends' said that my daughter is going to be a spoilt brat because I hold her all the time and never let her cry. Also lots of people have suggested cio to me and I just say 'oh I could never do that to her' but I don't think that is the right response to parents who did that because then they will feel guilty for their choice maybe.


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## Eala

Babushka - you could phrase it as "I don't think that CIO would work well for us" and then you're kinda saying the same thing but it's nigh on impossible for anyone to take offense at it.

Also, my LO napped exclusively on us for the first several months, and is anything but a spoilt brat. She herself decided when it wasn't what she wanted to do anymore, and that was that!


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## Vrinda

I read an interesting article on CIO https://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html
I am all for natural parenting. Whenever people make comments on natural parenting ways, mostly they are ignorant about its long term benefits, so in my opinion if they are making remarks, you can find this as an opportunity to educate them on these in non attacking style , as I think, most probably they are not aware of the benefits.


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## mummy3

I got called granola the other day :shock: :rofl: 

Just ignore peoples comments,there will always be someone who has something to say. All my LO's were bf until self weaned, never left to cio, nursed to sleep until they decided to go to bed by themselves, held a lot and they are a very independant bunch. i have a naping 4m old on me now:cloud9:


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## aliss

Granola!

But... I like granola.

So that's good, right???


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## cowboys angel

Yes?


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## Eala

Mmmmm granola. I don't like it crunchy though. I leave it in the milk till it goes soggy :blush:


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## Thumper

I like it with soya yoghurt :D Yummm, that's my everyday breakfast :) I pick the raisins out though :p


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## mummy3

:rofl: yeah granola is definately good although I'm told its not healthy...:winkwink:


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## littlestar85

cowboys angel said:


> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, *"Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" *if I'm in a bitchy mood.

LOL!!! :haha:


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## aragornlover8

I've been kind of casually judged by my immediate family. "Oh, you turned out fine and I let you cry. Are you saying that I was a bad mother?" "If you cater to her every whim, she's going to control you..." That kind of thing. It's nothing I can't handle, but it does get on my nerves sometimes.


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## Wantingbbbump

I got picked on & very rude comments from everyone because I breastfeed my son until 4months before his 6th birthday. When they said something about him being so old and on the boob I would always say " He will stop when he is ready" and then they would almost always say "but what if he never stops" and then I would shut them up by saying that we were looking into getting a cali king size bed so our son and his wife would have room so my son can have his boo boo and we would be able to co sleep with his family :rofl: I still get it over him being 6 1/2 and still sleeping in my bed in my arms. He will sleep in his room when he feels like it. I will do the same thing with the baby I hope is getting ready to grow in my tummy. I never let my son cry and he is a very happy little man. He is very polite and his teachers go on and on about how much they love him. I say we are doing nothing wrong!!


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## mummy3

^^ he sounds like a lovely polite little guy:thumbup: Good luck ttc:hugs:


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## cowboys angel

littlestar85 said:


> cowboys angel said:
> 
> 
> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, *"Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" *if I'm in a bitchy mood.
> 
> LOL!!! :haha:Click to expand...

I'm not exactly the most polite person... :blush:


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## fluffpuffin

I used to get upset about judgmental comments when Isla was younger and I had only just become a mum, but now I'm very secure about my choices and I noticed people have stopped questioning me or judging me, and I mainly get positive comments.


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## littlestar85

Wantingbbbump said:


> I got picked on & very rude comments from everyone because *I breastfeed my son until 4months before his 6th birthday. *


That's amazing, well done you! x


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## littlestar85

cowboys angel said:


> littlestar85 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cowboys angel said:
> 
> 
> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, *"Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" *if I'm in a bitchy mood.
> 
> LOL!!! :haha:Click to expand...
> 
> I'm not exactly the most polite person... :blush:Click to expand...

Haha, I am so tempted to use this next time certain people question my methods!


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## cowboys angel

littlestar85 said:


> cowboys angel said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> littlestar85 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cowboys angel said:
> 
> 
> I tell people if she turns out clingy, not well developed, whatever they are saying, to feel free to tell me "I told you so" but when she turns out just fine, be ready to hear it back.
> 
> Or, *"Well, I saw how your kids turned out so I just had to try something else" *if I'm in a bitchy mood.
> 
> LOL!!! :haha:Click to expand...
> 
> I'm not exactly the most polite person... :blush:Click to expand...
> 
> Haha, I am so tempted to use this next time certain people question my methods!Click to expand...

:shrug: I did it. It works quite well. Gets you some peace and quiet for a few days. :haha:


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## Wantingbbbump

littlestar85 said:


> Wantingbbbump said:
> 
> 
> I got picked on & very rude comments from everyone because *I breastfeed my son until 4months before his 6th birthday. *
> 
> 
> That's amazing, well done you! xClick to expand...

Thank you!! I am very proud of myself, I loved every moment of it. It has made ds & I so close and he still will ask to nurse from time to time but after I let him try he will let go and ask when I will be having a new baby and that he is going to teach it that sharing is caring..lol he just wants more of mommy's milk :rofl: He will be 7 when I have another (please god) so it will be funny to see if he will ask & if he does I will let him have a go just as I did with his sisters.


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## littlestar85

Wantingbbbump said:


> littlestar85 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Wantingbbbump said:
> 
> 
> I got picked on & very rude comments from everyone because *I breastfeed my son until 4months before his 6th birthday. *
> 
> 
> That's amazing, well done you! xClick to expand...
> 
> Thank you!! I am very proud of myself, I loved every moment of it. It has made ds & I so close and he still will ask to nurse from time to time but after I let him try he will let go and ask when I will be having a new baby and that *he is going to teach it that sharing is caring*..lol he just wants more of mommy's milk :rofl: He will be 7 when I have another (please god) so it will be funny to see if he will ask & if he does I will let him have a go just as I did with his sisters.Click to expand...

That's so beautiful! I'm planning to let my LO self wean too regardless of what age that will be at. x


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## moomin momma

My mother is the worst judge of my parenting. She keeps telling me to let my baby CIO (she's been saying this since she was a few weeks old. Even if I agreed with CIO, which I don't, surely that's too young?), she thinks me carrying Lucy round on me is weird and she keeps saying 'bet you won't keep breastfeeding once her teeth come through'. She thinks things like me not drinking tea and coffee is silly.

The hardest part is that I think she didn't do a great job with me. We're really not close - we see each other and stuff but there's always been this space between us. I'm not saying that her leaving me to cry for hours when I was tiny is the sole reason, but I have to wonder if it's part of it. I know that when I was a child I can remember not feeling I could go to her when I was upset. I want my girl to feel like she can, so now when she cries I just have to hug her and find out what's wrong. I think Mum is starting to get the message though, now that Lucy has started sleeping through the night and finding her own routine (shocking, she can do that without being forced into one!).

I just hope I remember this when I'm a grandma and don't agree with my girl's choices! I still have to let her make them!


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## Vrinda

What's wrong in NOT drinking caffeinated beverages?  I don't drink coffee and also avoid black tea. I have stopped coke too since many years, *for good*. And no alcohol as well. I once used coke to clean the toilet, and it worked great ! I am never going to drink that nasty stuff

Those who argue in favor, are basically addicted to it and do not really consider the serious health impacts. Also sugar is bad (especially the processed white sugar) so it needs to be avoided as much as possible from diet, which I've managed to do it. There are plenty of alternatives to white sugar : jaggery, molasses, honey etc

I am very careful when there are judgements or criticisms. There can be positive or creative criticisms or suggestions too, and its upto us to decide what is going to be helpful and avoid anything that is HARMFUL


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## lozzy21

Vrinda said:


> What's wrong in NOT drinking caffeinated beverages? I don't drink coffee and also avoid black tea. I have stopped coke too since many years, *for good*. And no alcohol as well. I once used coke to clean the toilet, and it worked great ! I am never going to drink this nasty stuff
> 
> Those who argue in favor, are basically addicted to it and do not really consider the serious health impacts. Also sugar is bad (especially the processed white sugar) so it needs to be avoided as much as possible from diet, which I've managed to do it. There are plenty of alternatives to white sugar : jaggery,molasses,honey etc

You dont have to be addicted to something to enjoy it, I enjoy tea, coffee and alcohol but i dont NEED to have it, im a firm believer of everything in moderation.

A friend of mine has recently become a veggie and wont eat any "processed crap" as she calls it and spends her entire day saying "ooo i wish i could have that" or "im really craving soandso" 

Your dietary choices are supposed to make your life better not make you miserable.


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## Kate&Lucas

lozzy21 said:


> A friend of mine has recently become a veggie and wont eat any "processed crap" as she calls it and spends her entire day saying "ooo i wish i could have that" or "im really craving soandso"

I was veggie for about 4 years and that sounds JUST like me :haha:
Only I'd say 'eurgh that's disgusting' while people were eating and secretly wish I could lick their sausage butty.


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## Vrinda

When I used the word addicted, what I meant is that caffeine/alcohol IS addictive ! Thats why its so difficult to give these things up. Like I said any judgment or criticism may come from both sides and I do not see any health reasons to enjoy these beverages. That is the choice I have made and I can get enjoyment from drinking fruit juices.

I also do not like processed food, it does not taste that great and since its loaded with lot of nonsense things thats why its addictive and difficult to give up, hence your friend might crave for it. Lot of processed junk has white sugar and glucose fructose syrup crap, which is marketed as okay as its cheap for making business/ profit reasons not that they are concerned about your health.

As for the meat industry goes, there is real crap( poo ) in its making. I do not support factory farming, its too disgusting for me even to look how they "process" the meat.
Also the byproducts of one farm going as a feed for another, even the idea makes me sick to my stomach.


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## lozzy21

There only difficult to give up if you drink too much of them. I gave up all caffeine when pregnant, just as i did alcohol but i started drinking it again because i enjoy it. I have one maybe two cups a day, the rest is water or herbal tea, some days i wont have any caffeine or alcohol or sugar.

You can eat meat and not eat animals that live in a tiny space standing in there own faeces all day, All my meat comes from a butcher that only uses free range animals from farms that are no more than an hours drive away. He can tell you exactly what farm is came from. 

There doesn't have to be judgement on both sides at all, yes some people do but not every one, if you choose not to eat or drink something that's fine, its your body but calling what some one else drinks nasty is being judgemental and rather rude.


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## Vrinda

If you choose to eat or drink something that you want to, its your choice. All I am saying is that I do not see any health reasons for me start doing so. As for the coke, I said it is nasty- atleast for me ( it was not mean to be rude to you, why it has to be taken as so personally !) I am orginally from India and what damage coke has done to our land and our water sources is beyond imagination. It is all documented in here. Just to call it nasty is not enough, actually, after watching this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRFyfTnxj80


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## lozzy21

If i had made a comment about vegetables just being food for animals you would have taken it personally. Respect is a two way thing. And in your original post you dident say anything about the ethics of coke you just said coke was nasty stuff. I try to not buy products by nestle because i dont agree with there ethics but id never call what they make nasty, some of it is yummy. The company is bad, the products are not.


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## Vrinda

For ethical reasons as well as what it contains like I said earlier sugar and high fructose cornsyrup ( which is in most processed food/drinks) plus pesticides maybe yummy for tastebuds, but IS nasty! In their adverts they always say "in moderation" its their marketing tactic

It has already shown its link to weight gain, which leads to diabeties. It causes u to have fatty liver by storing the excess amounts of sugar. The liver can only filter a small amount at a time. It is also the worst form sugar. People are not aware of the damaging effects on the body.They give sodas to children as a treat, without knowing that they are depleting the bones of calcium


How misleading this advert is 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W40yHDFxkAY

And the facts : 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYiEFu54o1E


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## aragornlover8

If it's given "as a treat" on an occasional basis, I really doubt it would do much harm. It's good for consumers to be informed, but I don't see anything wrong with a little treat now and then. All things in moderation, as they say.

I agree that the high fructose corn syrup ads are very misleading. For one, even if it was just like sugar, I don't need high fructose corn syrup in everything in my pantry. It's an unnecessary filler.


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## Babushka99

Thanks for the info Vrinda.


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## wigglywoo

Wantingbbbump said:


> He will be 7 when I have another (please god) so it will be funny to see if he will ask & if he does I will let him have a go just as I did with his sisters.

My dd is 7 and asked the other day if she could have some booby when the baby comes! I said she probably wouldn't be able to get any out because she will have lost her suckling reflex, but that I could express some for her to try! She self weaned at 2 1/2 but still remembers nursing!

Well done for nursing for so long! I missed it so much when dd weaned. Having another baby to nurse is something I'm really looking forward to!


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## Lilly12

wow thats amazing she still remembers that!


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## wigglywoo

I know! It's frightening what she can remember! She amazes me constantly by telling me little details about things in the past I'd have expected her to not know anything about!


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