# How are your parents/in laws dealing with your child's needs?



## RachA

Just wondered really. 

My parents and wider family are really supportive and trying to help me encourage Esther with her speech issues. 
But my in laws (mil really) just don't seem to be helpful. I know that part of the reason is that mil doesn't want a grandchild that isn't 'normal' as she likes to boast about them and what they are achieving etc. She's also been really unhelpful in the fact that we aren't really telling people about Esther until they ask (obviously family have been told and anyone who has dealings with Esther on a regular basis) but mil is telling people that I don't even know. These people are then 'sticking their oar in' and we've been told to seek second opinions as the people assessing her have more than likely got it wrong!

Just a little vent really and wondering how other people are finding their family with their child.


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## Tegans Mama

It's different for us because we knew about Tegan's problems before she was born so as she's grown and her needs have become more apparent our families have adapted to accept her. I think because her differences are very obvious people have found it easier to accept.


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## mommy2lilmen

My mom says Im looking too deep into things and not letting him be a baby (hes 3) and forcing him. My MIL says she doesnt see what we see. My FIL he is oblivious.. he isnt around anyways, few times a year... he did ask last night how it was going .. and said ok yep ok... and left it at that. Was he listening? probably not. My sisters, all think Im not doing something right. I have no one to talk to about it at all. My husband thats it. :( My little sister said I brainwashed my son to be autistic. that hurt big time. He was diagnosed WELL befor I told her, so how.. ugh:shrug:


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## anita665

I've had issues with my family not wanting to accept that there is a problem. My nan keeps telling me that she just can't believe it and my mother says she is sure there is nothing wrong.

The thing that really annoys me is that my mother ignores his needs. I tell her not to grab him and try to pick him up and she goes and does it anyway. He just freezes and she's telling me he's fine with it. It makes me extremely angry!! :growlmad:

OH said his mother didn't believe anything was wrong either. I guess it's a grandparent thing. As a parent you don't want to have to face there being something wrong with your perfect baby but then grandparents for some reason find this even harder to accept.


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## Peanut78

Mixed really, sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful and hurtful... 

Probably what bugs me the most is that they underestimate his abilities on a whole, treat him way below his level and try and "teach" him things he of course knows. No matter how many times we have explained it's not cognitive. I get extremely upset when they try and get his much younger cousin to "teach" him things :growlmad:

And no matter how many times I have explained to my mother that Theo has a neurological disorder which is the cause of his difficulties she will still ask me questions like, "I was wondering if you had looked into whether T has a problem with his vocal cords?" - ehh no, we know what the problem is and surely you can hear him making sounds :dohh: Or "I was wondering if you had had T's hearing tested?" - ehh yes, but why are you asking that when we have told you his reason for having a speech delay already :dohh:. She also asks me almost weekly if the speech therapist has said "anything new about T's prognosis", which is quite stressful and frustrating, especially when you hear the disappointment in her voice when I say no and that it doesn't work that way (you'd also think she would know better seeing as my sister was in ST during her primary years, although for very different reasons). I think she is still clinging to that there is a quick fix solution we just haven't uncovered yet :nope: I find it quite draining having to deal with those kind of expectations sometimes...

BUT having said all this, they are supportive on a whole and do mean well, especially my in-laws...


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## RachA

mommy2lilmen said:


> My mom says Im looking too deep into things and not letting him be a baby (hes 3) and forcing him. My MIL says she doesnt see what we see. My FIL he is oblivious.. he isnt around anyways, few times a year... he did ask last night how it was going .. and said ok yep ok... and left it at that. Was he listening? probably not. My sisters, all think Im not doing something right. I have no one to talk to about it at all. My husband thats it. :( *My little sister said I brainwashed my son to be autistic*. that hurt big time. He was diagnosed WELL befor I told her, so how.. ugh:shrug:

Wow - i cannot believe someone would even suggest that.



anita665 said:


> I've had issues with my family not wanting to accept that there is a problem. My nan keeps telling me that she just can't believe it and my mother says she is sure there is nothing wrong.
> 
> The thing that really annoys me is that my mother ignores his needs. I tell her not to grab him and try to pick him up and she goes and does it anyway. He just freezes and she's telling me he's fine with it. It makes me extremely angry!! :growlmad:
> 
> OH said his mother didn't believe anything was wrong either. I guess it's a grandparent thing. As a parent you don't want to have to face there being something wrong with your perfect baby but then grandparents for some reason find this even harder to accept.

Yeah - there is something in that. I think grandparents like to be able to tell people how great their grandchildren are and if they can't they sometimes don't know how to deal with it.


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## RachA

Peanut78 said:


> Mixed really, sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful and hurtful...
> 
> Probably what bugs me the most is that they underestimate his abilities on a whole, treat him way below his level and try and "teach" him things he of course knows. No matter how many times we have explained it's not cognitive. I get extremely upset when they try and get his much younger cousin to "teach" him things :growlmad:
> 
> And no matter how many times I have explained to my mother that Theo has a neurological disorder which is the cause of his difficulties she will still ask me questions like, "I was wondering if you had looked into whether T has a problem with his vocal cords?" - ehh no, we know what the problem is and surely you can hear him making sounds :dohh: Or "I was wondering if you had had T's hearing tested?" - ehh yes, but why are you asking that when we have told you his reason for having a speech delay already :dohh:. *She also asks me almost weekly if the speech therapist has said "anything new about T's prognosis"*, which is quite stressful and frustrating, especially when you hear the disappointment in her voice when I say no and that it doesn't work that way (you'd also think she would know better seeing as my sister was in ST during her primary years, although for very different reasons). I think she is still clinging to that there is a quick fix solution we just haven't uncovered yet :nope: I find it quite draining having to deal with those kind of expectations sometimes...
> 
> BUT having said all this, they are supportive on a whole and do mean well, especially my in-laws...

This is my mil to a t. Every time we go to speech therapy she expects Esther to come out talking. She also asks all the time what the therapist has said about when she's going to talk etc - very frustrating as i tell her every time that the therapist isn't there to give us a deadline but to help encourage Esther.


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## BlueHadeda

Interesting topic!!

My family is very supportive, but I do find that they kinda "forget" about us or my daughter's issues. When I do mention something, they are supportive though. My sister is exceptionally understanding and has been there for me all the way.

My in-laws...urgh! :dohh: MIL just keep on saying things like "I'm sure she'll outgrow it". Yes, mom, you can "outgrow" dead nerves. Just wait until you're 18, and they'll magically spring back to life! :wacko: 

FIL on the other had, feels so sorry for my daughter, that it makes me embarressed. But then he keeps on tickling her *every* time he sees her. And of course, without fail, she will wet her pants. :dohh: You just *can't* tickle someone with an overactive neurogenic bladder!!! Why doesn't he get it? Does he think it doesn't embarress her, wetting her pants in front of her grandfather?!?!

The rest of the in-laws kinda ignore it all, as if it's fixed now after she was operated on. I just feel that if they don't ask questions, I'm not providing info. They can read my blog if they're interested. 

I miss my mom (she's dead) so so so much, since my daughter's road to a diagnosis. She would've been my rock, supporting me and knowing when to ask questions and when to just listen. She would've believed me, and not belittle my opinion on my own child (like MIL does). She would've _get_ it all.


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## Nathyrra

My family have been largely supportive. I get well meaning comments like: 'he doesn't look like he has down syndrome' sometimes though. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to answer that one cos the genes don't lie.

My inlaws mostly sweep it all under the rug. My son is getting older, he's still not walking, and there are younger grandchildren on that side now, so sometimes it seems like he's ignored. My family are great though. He's always included, they even fight over who gets to hold him or play with him. Must be an inlaw thing @[email protected]


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## suzib76

my grandmother just cant get it, no matter how many autism books she reads she will never understand why i parent Jack the way i do. A few years ago she told me off because i was much more harsh on Leah in comparison with Jack - that is because they are very very different children with very different needs, she just doesn't see it. She is always cutting rediculous snippets out of the daily mail wherever it mentions anything to do with autism, or parenting, or weight (i am trying to shift some and Jack is a solid boy) she is so patronising it is unreal. i have had Jack for 9 years now, he is 10 in march and i have always done what i think best for him, all the health professionals tell dh and i how well we manage, but yeah, my own grandmother thinks even at aged 36, i need her to advise me (which tbh i wouldnt mind if she knew what she was talking about). 

My dad had told me for about 4 years now that i have to allow Jack the freedom and he will be fine, he cant understand why i don't let him out to play like his school friends do. He thinks i can sign him up to football or karate and he will suddenly change and be independent. Urgh

my mum i am not really close to, but she seems to be more understanding, although saying that i meet her for coffee every few weeks and the kids are at school so she rarely sees them. I am not sure how she would view things if she saw him all the time

just realised i dont have much in the way of family hahaha


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## RachA

Nathyrra said:


> My family have been largely supportive. I get well meaning comments like: 'he doesn't look like he has down syndrome' sometimes though. Not quite sure how I'm supposed to answer that one cos the genes don't lie.
> 
> My inlaws mostly sweep it all under the rug. My son is getting older, he's still not walking, and there are younger grandchildren on that side now, so sometimes it seems like he's ignored. My family are great though. He's always included, they even fight over who gets to hold him or play with him. Must be an inlaw thing @[email protected]


Well he looks gorgeous :). I think the comments on how he looks is meant to be reassuring that he looks 'normal'. Almost as if 'well you could pass him off as being like everyone else' iykwim. 

Funny how it does seem to be the in laws that have a harder time accepting things. My OH struggles a bit but I honestly don't think he feels he can talk to his parents about Esther. He said today that her nativity at Playschool today made him feel sad as she couldn't really take part. She wasn't sidelined at all but she obviously couldn't sing any of the songs. But she did enjoy it-she kept grinning at us as if to say 'aren't I doing well'. She sat where she was supposed to the whole time which is amazing for her as she's usually such a busy little thing.


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## shopgirl771

My MIL is hugely unhelpful saying theres nothing wrong with him, we should take him out of his nursery (where these issues were picked up) and that my OH had "attention" issues as a child and she managed to cope and ill just have to get on with it!!! Says she who cant cope with him on her own for more than one weekend in 6 months!!! (rolls eyes).

The annoying thing is that shes a mental health nurse so she should know better than many about these things. I think she doesnt want him labeled but i dont have an issue with labels so why should she.

I also get very annoyed with the huge amount of people that say "oh but hes only 2". like im being a paranoid mum. yes he is only 2 yet i and professionals can tell that somethings not quite right. hopefully it will correct itself in the next few years but im not going to waste time waiting to see if it does incase it doesnt and he falls seriously behind. any help he gets is not going to harm him in any way so why turn it down.

even my AIL whos son has ADHD is a little skeptical (professionals are suggesting possible adhd or similar but obviosuly waaaaaaaay to early to be sure). shes sympathetic but still in the "hes too young" gang.


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