# Would you say something, or let it be a natural lesson



## Warby

My in-laws are lovely people. They truly are, and I hope no one thinks I am bashing them. But I wonder what you would do in this situation.

They like to pick up thoughtful little gifts here and there for the kids. My MIL volunteers at a local thrift shop. There was a set of tiny espresso cups that my nine year old daughter would adore, so MIL picked them up. She also bought some brand new sleepers (sold for 25 cents each at the thrift shop!) that would fit my baby.

Last time she was here, she noticed that our crayons are mostly broken. So she picked up a nice new pack and brought them in.

Next time we saw them, she gave the dishes to my daughter, the crayons to my four-year-old, and the sleepers to me, for the baby.

That is all lovely except we also have a seven-year-old who didn't get anything. He wasn't deliberately excluded; it wasn't an outright attempt to hurt his feelings. She just didn't happen to see anything that reminded her of him. And these weren't birthday presents or Christmas presents, just small little inexpensive things.

An adult or an older child could take in in stride. But my seven-year-old was quite upset not to have gotten anything. I stepped in and told him that Grandma forgot to say that the crayons were for both him and his brother, and that smoothed things over.

It is a valuable lesson to learn that you are not going to get something every time. But I am not sure my very sensitive 7 year old son is ready for that lesson.

So, should I say something to my wonderful MIL? She would be devastated to think she had hurt his feelings and I don't want her to think we don't appreciate the gifts. Or should I keep a stash of a few trinkets to give when not everyone gets a gift? Or adopt a "that's life" approach?


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## moomin_troll

First off its great u have such a good mil :) we aren't all that lucky hahaha
I do think u should have a word with her though. Your child learns these lessons when it's another siblings birthday, so they get nothings. But when it's just random things it's not fair. If it were me buying for someone's children and I didn't see something for one, I'd tell them and say but here's the money the other things cost and u can save it or if parents agree I'd take them to buy a chocolate bar.


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## Rachel_C

Does it often happen? If not, I don't think I would say anything... perhaps MIL saw the problem with it anyway. If it's normally just something for one child, I'd leave that as I think it's fair enough to give something to one child if you see something they need/would really like. When we were little, whenever one of my grandmas came round she would bring something for all four of us so we grew to expect it - my parents were so embarrassed when we started saying, "What have you brought us?" instead of "hello" so they put a stop to it. As long as it's usually just the odd thing here and there for one or two kids, I would leave that but if it was three or four kids each time I'd probably stop it all together and have her only giving presents like toys for birthdays and Christmas, and practical things like baby grows can go to you.


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## nolansmom

I don't know if "say something" is the right way to put it.. Just put it on your son as him being sensitive and bring it up to her that way .. "remind her" that Ds is sensitive about those things and they all like getting sweet gestures from her.. 

OR - you could have not smoothed it over in which case she would have realized her error and not done it again. 

:)


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## SerenityNow

I think you did the right thing. I mean, i assume the crayons were for the family. I can definitely understand how your 7 year old would be upset at the appearance of everyone but him getting a little gift, but if he was fine with the explanation that grandma forget to point out that the crayons are for both of them-- phew, right?

I often pick stuff up a thrift shops for the kids and I just explain that you never know what you'll fine there. It isn't like going out shopping for a particular child. 

Grandparent gifts can have additional meaning and excitement for children though so it is tricky. Their whole relationship to that grandparent kind of dictates how they feel about it. I know that if one of my kids got a little gift from my MIL the ones who didn't would be really hurt because she is usually very deliberate about giving gifts, but my dad is l
practically a vagabond and you never know when you'll hear from him so if he happens to remember a birthday-- great-- but no one is expecting him to. And he usually gives them weird, random stuff anyway. They may feel they are dodging a bullet when the other child gets a gift from him.


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## suzib76

I would actually be saying that is out of line, if people want to give my kids then they give them all or none of them. I grew up being overlooked by my (step) nan who would buy my brother loads and I got something really shit, that was at Christmas and it broke my heart, if she bought things throughout the year I never got anything, he always did. She didn't quite see me as family because I had a different dad even though I regarded her son as my dad for a lot of years. I would never want my kids to feel that.

I also see it from the other side as having 3 kids I often pick up bits in the sales etc and I don't buy all 3 just because I see a bargain for one, they know that. Jack only asks for things when he wants a new game, and Leah is 12 so mostly has her own money. If I'm buying clothes I wouldn't dream of buying for 3 just because I had seen something for 1


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## Larkspur

I don't really see the problem. You gave the seven-year-old an explanation he was happy with; problem solved. If it is something that happens regularly or you felt he was being deliberately excluded for some reason, yeah, I'd say something but if it's a one-off, I wouldn't make an issue out of it.


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## JASMAK

This happens in our family too. It hurts them! Yes, life "isn't fair", but you expect family to be fair. Its probably not even about the gifts, but more that she never thought of him. :( Poor love


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## Butterball Ma

:( I'd just watch closely in the future to make sure he's not always the odd man out. It is nice of your MIL to be so giving, though!


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## hubbylover

Warby said:


> My in-laws are lovely people. They truly are, and I hope no one thinks I am bashing them. But I wonder what you would do in this situation.
> 
> They like to pick up thoughtful little gifts here and there for the kids. My MIL volunteers at a local thrift shop. There was a set of tiny espresso cups that my nine year old daughter would adore, so MIL picked them up. She also bought some brand new sleepers (sold for 25 cents each at the thrift shop!) that would fit my baby.
> 
> Last time she was here, she noticed that our crayons are mostly broken. So she picked up a nice new pack and brought them in.
> 
> Next time we saw them, she gave the dishes to my daughter, the crayons to my four-year-old, and the sleepers to me, for the baby.
> 
> That is all lovely except we also have a seven-year-old who didn't get anything. He wasn't deliberately excluded; it wasn't an outright attempt to hurt his feelings. She just didn't happen to see anything that reminded her of him. And these weren't birthday presents or Christmas presents, just small little inexpensive things.
> 
> An adult or an older child could take in in stride. But my seven-year-old was quite upset not to have gotten anything. I stepped in and told him that Grandma forgot to say that the crayons were for both him and his brother, and that smoothed things over.
> 
> It is a valuable lesson to learn that you are not going to get something every time. But I am not sure my very sensitive 7 year old son is ready for that lesson.
> 
> So, should I say something to my wonderful MIL? She would be devastated to think she had hurt his feelings and I don't want her to think we don't appreciate the gifts. Or should I keep a stash of a few trinkets to give when not everyone gets a gift? Or adopt a "that's life" approach?

I have 5 children ranging from 11 to 5. We have tried from the beginning to make it clear to the kids that they don't get things at siblings birthday parties or that it's not unfair if one of the kids got a snack or treat at school and they didn't. We call it "not playing the fairness police" they're not always gonna get what a sibling got. If a grandparent or my husband or I see something that one of our kids would LOVE, should we be obligated to buy for the other 4?? We have 3 boys and 2 girls. Even though I say that, it doesn't mean that I don't FEEL obligated...It's really up to what you think the right thing to do in your situation is, BUT I wouldn't say anything to the MIL because she didn't do it to hurt feelings so there's really, in my personal opinion, any reason to make her feel bad. The son is old enough to understand that he won't always get when the baby gets or when his sister gets....all three kids have different needs.


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## AerisandAlex

My DH has 5 children, 2 with me and 3 with his ex-wife... I play this 'fairness' game with them everytime they come to visit. Particularly with the older two from DH's previous marriage... they come over and says DD has 'everything' and then proceed to cry. The oldest one is 9 but he is very sensitive... I've tried to explain to him that although DD might have a LeadPad, he has an XBox which Aeris does not have, he also has a Nintendo DS and so does the other child, his 8 year old sister. That these things are just as equal so he's not being left out but he needs to accept that each child receives different things.

When we're gift buying though, for like Christmas, I am very picky about what I get for each child and even though they never get the same 'amount' the thought is still the same for each of them... however if I 'discluded' one of these children from a major holiday, or lets say got one a stocking full of toys I found at the dollar store and another a PlayStation, there is an obvious sign of favoritism that even they, at a young age, would pick up.. even if it isn't that way, that's the way they will feel.

I am also a child of 4, the eldest, and my family made sure to try and buy as 'equally' as they could because if they didn't there would be chaos as we were growing up.


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## Tiff

Your MIL sounds wonderful :hugs:

Could you maybe mention somehow to her how sad/hurt your 7 year old was that they were excluded? You could always mention how you smoothed it over, but it might plant the seed that if she's going to buy for the others its only fair to buy for them too. 

I get that life isn't fair, and kids just don't have the same logical thinking that we do. I personally would rather not getting anything for any children rather than to have 2 get something and another one not. Just my opinion though :flower:


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## Foogirl

I wouldn't mention it. it wasn't intentional, it just happened that way, and if she would be really hurt, why would you want to upset her.

I'd explain it to the seven year old, that sometimes this is how things happen and let them get on with it.


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