# Struggling.. :(



## babesx3

I'm really struggling at the moment.....:cry:

On monday afternoon we get the postmortem results from Charlie..:cry:
Whilst i've wanted to know what happened to my little boy, i'm also dreading it abd not sure i do want to know....I'm affraid of what they are going to tell me... I hate the idea that there was something wrong with him, but i also hate the idea that he died for no reason..:cry: I'm so confused how i feel. I'm not sure i'm strong enough for this, i'm crying such a lot at the moment and have pain in my chest... i never knew grief could hurt so much...:cry:


On thursday is Charlies Funeral and cremation... its the closure i need , but again i'm dreading it as it is my final goodbye, and i'm scared how it will feel seeing his tiny coffin and then having to say good bye again...:cry:

Then on sunday i have some family coming over to plant Charlies tree in our garden.

Just feeling like this week is too much. and then when its over.... its all over :( not sure i'm making any sense. just want to get how i feel off my chest..... hope u don't mind.....

iIf anyone has any tips to get thru all this i would apprieciate it!!:hugs:


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## Jox

:hugs: take it 1 minute at a time. just follow ur feelings. If I want to cry... cry. If u want to laugh... Laugh.

There is no easy way thru it, just follow ur heart.

Knowing or not knowing why Charlie died is hard. I to didn't want to think that there was anything wrong with kasper. we decided against a pm bit had placenta tested. I prepared myself for them find8ng no cause :-(

It's gonna b a tough week but just take it as it comes :hugs:

Xxx

:kiss: for charlie


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## Jamaris Mummy

:hugs: to you darling, and I agree, just go with your feelings, they hurt so so much but they are better out then in..It is so gut-wrenching I know..all the very very best hunni..I wish I got to have a memorial for my little man, your family coming over the next day to plant the tree sounds so beautiful. Thinking of you....:hugs:


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## babesx3

Jox said:


> :hugs: take it 1 minute at a time. just follow ur feelings. If I want to cry... cry. If u want to laugh... Laugh.
> 
> There is no easy way thru it, just follow ur heart.
> 
> Knowing or not knowing why Charlie died is hard. I to didn't want to think that there was anything wrong with kasper. we decided against a pm bit had placenta tested. I prepared myself for them find8ng no cause :-(
> 
> It's gonna b a tough week but just take it as it comes :hugs:
> 
> Xxx
> 
> :kiss: for charlie

thanks:hugs:
Its so like that isn't it... I cry , I laugh, I cry , I laugh.... all so mixed..its like i'm me but then i'm grieving , its so mixed.... i feel like i have a split personality:haha:

I can understand why u didn't want a PM. I was unsure too...:shrug: 
:kiss: for Kasper xxx


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## Jox

It is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions. U often question y u feel a certain way. Then feel guilty but honestly thru speaking to others ull see how ur feeling is completely normal.

When people say it gets easier, it does.... Kind of. The days if pure grieving become further apart but when they do come they are a lot harder to deal with :hugs: as awful as it sounds its just something we have to learn to live with as its part of our life now :cry:

No one should have to live without one of their children :-(

Xxx


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## janie0

Thinking of you xoxo

Our pm results were ridiculously delayed. I'm glad to hear you are getting yours so soon.


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## Suze

Nats I can't explain how much I am going to be thinking of you this week :hugs:
I'm afraid I don't have any magic tips...I would say just do and feel what YOU want to do and when. 
I was 'pleased' to get a very defininte reason for Joe's death, I think it made it easier for me to understand from a factual point of view. But then I was sooo upset that he was such a poorly little boy and that I really wanted him to be 'perfect' ...although he was perfect to me.
I don't think there's a magic tips because at the end of the day we lost our babies and nothing gets any sadder than that. It's all a no-win situation because all we want is our babies back....

Oh my god I hope I am not making you even more depressed with my ramblings here! 
I think you just need to be as easy as you can on yourself this week and get as much rest if and when you can and take any help with the kids too. You know where I am :hug:


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## Bingles

massive hugs and thinking of you xxx


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## cla

hun iam thinking of you:hugs::hugs:


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## Huggles

I'm sorry you're having such a tough week. We didn't have a PM as Jarrod died due to being born too early, and we didn't have a funeral either so i didn't have those things to get through. But i must admit i found the week leading up to his due date extremely difficult and I felt a lot like you're describing now.

But i agree with the other ladies. Take each moment as it comes and do what you need to do, be it cry, laugh, rant, smile, whatever you need to do, do it. I find the more i try and hold my emotions in the worse they get. But if i just acknowledge how i'm feeling and let myself feel like that it passes more quickly.

I hope today wasn't too hard on you. Thinking of you all this week. Big :hugs: to you and floaty kisses to Charlie :kiss:



Jox said:


> When people say it gets easier, it does.... Kind of. The days if pure grieving become further apart but when they do come they are a lot harder to deal with :hugs:

I am finding this to be very very true!


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## babesx3

Thanks!! :hugs:


Well i got the results...

They found no causes for Charlies Death . Not sure how i feel about it at the moment..just taking it in...
But i guess the positive is it means i can TTc again...
I'll never forget my little boy Charlie though XXX


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## Jox

:hugs: its so hard to know what to say. Im 'glad' Charlie was perfect and that ur able to ttc again.

:hugs: and :kiss: x


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## Huggles

It is difficult - on the one hand it's great there was no specific cause and therefore you can TTC again, but it's also not nice having no specific reason because there's almost more worry that it will happen again then.

Big :hugs: and i'm glad you go the results.


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## babesx3

:hugs: Thanks i don't know what to say either...:hugs:

It just makes me feel like he should stilll be here in my tummy, if there is no reason that he shouldn't be...:nope:


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## babesx3

Thanks huggles..they have said they will give me as many reasurance scans as i need when/if i get pregnant again...
initially she says..8,12,16,18,20 weeks....


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## Huggles

Well that'll be nice - at least you get to see your baby often! I will also have a lot more appointments and therefore scans next time, but mostly to check for infection and to make sure the stitch is holding. I guess we'll never rest easy until we bring our babies home from the hospital.


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## RainbowDrop_x

I'm so sorry for you're loss..

I'll be keeping you and you're family in my thoughts :hugs:


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## janie0

I'm glad you got the results. Our pm results revealed absolutely no cause for our baby's death as well, which makes it hard to accept.....

Thinking of you xo


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