# Why am I jealous/Iritated when in-laws hold my baby...



## lu-is

I get really stressed and iritated when my in-laws come to visit, some of it is due to issues with my sister in law (she's got some mental issues and her, my husband, and I don't get along but that is a whole other story), and some of it just seems to have sprung up since the birth of my little guy.

I think my MIL and FIL are both nice and we get on okay but when either of them are holding my little boy or talking to him I feel really jealous or anxious and just want to hold him myself again. I feel like some of their comments get on my nerves and I end up counting down the minutes until they leave. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is there some sort of hormonal reason I could be feeling like this?

I'm okay when my mother holds him and I do let my MIL hold my son but I really want to get him back as soon as possible... I don't like feeling this way.

They keep on hinting that they want to come baby sit him (they hint a lot)and I panic when I think about it.


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## Irish Eyes

I'm exactly the same! There are some people that I get really annoyed with when they're holding him & I watch their every move. One SIL I don't mind but MIL & the other SIL I can't stand holding him. Everytime it happens I have to tell myself that I'm being completely unreasonable - hopefully I'll stop feeling like this soon.

MIL has asked that she looks after LO when I go back to work and she'll charge us less than a nursery but that thought makes me feel physically sick. No idea why I feel like this!


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## 060509.x

I feel a little weird when some people hold her, when she was first born I wasn't attached at all, I let anyone who asked, stupid I know. 

Now, I just feel jealous and want her back when others have her. I don't get why I have her 24/7! And I know the people who hold her are trustworthy.


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## little_lady

I get irritated when people treat Isabelle like an object and moan that they haven't had a "turn" at holding her. It's not about them! 

Having said that, there is a tendency for us mums to be a bit unreasonable, it probably is hormones and the fact we're so attached to our babies. As isabelle has got older I haven't minded so much as she'sore independent anyway.


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## Twinks

I'm the same! Ims fine with certain people holding him but MIL (whom I get on with well) I don't like holding him. I think it's because she comes round and just takes him straight away out of my arms and then hangs onto him for ages even when he's crying lots. I need to be more confident at saying I'll have him back now me thinks! Hope this feeling does pass cause I don't like it.


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## Angelz79

I'm so relieved I'm not alone here. I have no problem with anyone else holding LO, except my in-laws. They are perfectly nice and we get along well, but I just feel like my MIL is just waiting to snatch him up the first chance she gets. I understand she's family, but she hovers while I'm nursing just waiting to take him. We were at a family gathering last week and I finished nursing, handed LO to my OH to burp, and she walked over, just took LO from him without saying a word and walked into the other room to "show him off" to the other relatives. I thought that was MY job since I did put in 9 months carrying him and then pushed him of my body!


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## klabro

I feel exactly the same way. The first time we went over to their house after LO was born it took everything I had not to snatch her back out of MIL arms. I don't feel this way about my own mom holding her and I really do like MIL. I think a lot of it for me is that my mom gives LO back when she cries or thinks she needs to eat but MIL will just sit there with her while she is fussy until I have to go take her back. I know its irrational but I can't help it. Hopefully I calm down soon :)


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## jenfirstbaby

I feel like this with OHs family, not just his parents. I think ots because they all want to hold her so she's being. Passed about. X


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## hansolo

Oh my! You have just described me in a nutshell, haha. I used to get on quite well with both of them, but now they are irritating the hell out of me, especially MIL. I can't even really explain why! Little things she says or the way she says them makes me feel like she's criticizing my parenting, particularly since I started FF. That and the fact she literally WILL NOT PUT DS DOWN from the moment we arrive at their place to the moment we leave. They hardly got to see their first grandchild because of family issues, so now it's like they won't let this one out of their sight! If we don't see them for one day out of the week they (well, MIL in particular) are calling up to ask why. 

Then again, my feelings are probably increased because I lost my Mum six years ago, so I'm missing out on her support and just getting an earful from OH's instead! :dohh:


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## misse04

I'm exactly the same still and my LO is one! lol I dont like sharing but fine with my mum I really dont know what it is x


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## Irish Eyes

I've just realised why reading these replies make me so concerned. None of us have good reasons as to why we feel like this, the MILs haven't actually done anything wrong.

One day I'm going to be the MIL and a thread like this will be written about me :-(


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## AP

I used to be the same, I've eased up a bit now though!

As for babysitting you are under no-obligation to give up your LO so they can babysit, only do it when you are ready


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## Ganton

I felt exactly the same way around my MIL today. She kept looking across to see if he was still feeding and just kept saying "I'll take him off you when he's finished feeding if you want", except I knew she didn't really mean the "if you want" bit! She seemed annoyed that he was taking so long.

The problem I have is that she gives a lot of advice, but in a way that you can't really disagree with, and I'm too shy around her to speak up for myself. I normally just nod and agree, but I feel like I need to be able to assert myself if I don't agree with the way she's doing something with my baby. 

When MIL was holding my baby today, he started sucking his fingers in a way that I instantly know means he's hungry. I know I only have 11 days experience with my baby, but I've quickly learnt his feeding signs. I felt like I had to justify myself though to get him back and my MIL made a comment about the fact that I was talking to her as if she'd never had children.


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## mistyscott

Yep, totally get this feeling - but mine is with the nanny in-law! My mil is absolutely lovely, but has twin 11yr olds so we don't see her much. My hubby's nanny on the other hand has WAY too much time on her hands, and is totally head over heels for LO. I should be really grateful she loves him so much, but I find it really grates on me and at family occasions I pretend not to hear her requesting to hold LO and give him to his nanny as quick as poss! 

She's always calling herself 'nanny' to LO, and I always correct her and say 'great nanny'. She also has an annoying habit of saying 'what's your mummy doing to you?' if he cries while I'm holding/feeding/dressing/playing with him. Um, I'm being his MUMMY! 

Sorry, rant over....


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## mrs.amillian

AtomicPink said:


> I used to be the same, I've eased up a bit now though!
> 
> As for babysitting you are under no-obligation to give up your LO so they can babysit, only do it when you are ready

This is reassuring, I know my MIL would love Tessa on her own, even offered to have her when I go back to work, it's not going to happen mainly cause I will do one shift a week.
She looked really disappointed when I said this, but my feelings of possesiveness have only increased since her birth.

On thursday we had friends round, and one of the girls put her babies toy on the play gym to dangle, after a while Tessa was playing with it and she took it off the gym and put it in her bag.
I know she was only slowly packing up to go, and didn't even realise what she's done but I was so so annoyed, my poor baby was having a great time and all of a sudden the toy had gone!
I'm being completely irrational and no malice was meant but I really felt for my babe, who has completely forgotten about it, lol :dohh:


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## liz1985

I used to feel a little like this, then one day it suddenly clicked, that one day my son ( probably) will have a wife and a baby, and I'll be the mil, and it really upset me to think that I'd see my grandchildren less because I have a son instead of a daughter, and that I'd have a dil writing about she hates it when I hold her baby, and she doesn't want me seeing it. 

Now I try to make sure in laws have just as much time with LO as my parents do because I know they love him just as much, and now I've started to think how lucky LO is to have so many people who love him, when some children don't have anyone.

It's different if someone gives you a reason Not to want them near LO and I know relationships with in laws can be hard.


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## Jenna Lynn

I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.

No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.

( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)

Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.

(The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!) :haha:

It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.

Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control. :hugs:


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## mrs.amillian

Jenna Lynn said:


> I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.
> 
> *No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.*
> 
> ( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)
> 
> Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.
> 
> (The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!) :haha:
> 
> It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.
> 
> Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control. :hugs:

This ^^ it's like a physical ache, it's horrid!


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## Pinky00

Ooh I'm glad it's not me, my MIL is a lovely lady who I've never had any issue with but when she holds LO and he cries, she will try anything and everything to soothe him barr passing him back to me or DH!!!

Yes she is an experienced mum, but no one knows our LO like we do. I hate seeing him cry to the point where he can't catch his breath, no amount of bouncing, rocking or singing to him will help, he just wants us!

I loathe to be pushy and ask for him back as I don't want to offend, but when she says "oh he has wind pain" I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs "no he hasn't, he is overtired and just wants us"

Arggggh ok, rant over, I feel better! :)


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## pinklightbulb

I used to be like this till I realized one day that MIL will be me, twice, as I have no girls. Then I was really sad and tbh it was one of the reasons I had gender disappointment with my second son. Unfortunately the old saying "a son is a son till he takes his wife, a daughter is always a daughter for life" seems like it's very true from the amount of MIL bashing threads on here, particularly the ones where MIL truly hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes, I am very sensitive about this subject. Ladies with girls won't understand, not even if they have a boy as well-- it's scariest when you have only boys and see MILs being vilified for just being, well, themselves and not the OP's mother/family :shrug: There is just some outright hatred for MILs that really I feel is not deserved a lot!

And before anyone asks yes I had such a row with my MIL that I flew home with my toddler on Christmas Eve six hours across the country. (Obviously we were supposed to be spending Christmas there with MIL.) Seven months on, I feel horrible about it. OH doesn't really get on with her, but that's not the point. MIL never gets to see Eamon and has never seen Liam but I was still selfish enough to ruin Christmas. 

At the time it seemed perfectly rational I should take my son and leave as I felt threatened. In hindsight, it was a terrible thing to do. The heat of the moment is a funny thing, I guess I'm trying to say. It's not easy to learn to deal with it but it is a very useful quality to have.


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## vintage67

I now hope neither of my sons marry or they are both gay.

I am so sick of this. I am glad that you all can come somewhere and vent, but agree with some of the other posters. As a mother with two sons, this is terribly depressing, disheartening and disconcerting.


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## pinklightbulb

I get the "primal" thing... but your MIL mothered your OH, so it isn't as though she is any more or less experienced than your own mum. Sometimes it really pays to remember she isn't just "MIL, oh what a pain in the ass", she is OH's mother and how would you (all yous are general btw) feel if your OH felt this way about your mum and started imposing boundaries/rules about what she was able/not able to do just because it wasn't HIS mum and he felt funny about it? You'd tell him where to go, of course! I see a lot of double standards about MILs on here.


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## Arlee

lu-is said:


> I get really stressed and iritated when my in-laws come to visit, some of it is due to issues with my sister in law (she's got some mental issues and her, my husband, and I don't get along but that is a whole other story), and some of it just seems to have sprung up since the birth of my little guy.
> 
> I think my MIL and FIL are both nice and we get on okay but when either of them are holding my little boy or talking to him I feel really jealous or anxious and just want to hold him myself again. I feel like some of their comments get on my nerves and I end up counting down the minutes until they leave. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Is there some sort of hormonal reason I could be feeling like this?
> 
> I'm okay when my mother holds him and I do let my MIL hold my son but I really want to get him back as soon as possible... I don't like feeling this way.
> 
> They keep on hinting that they want to come baby sit him (they hint a lot)and I panic when I think about it.

I could have seriously written this post :haha:


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## fionagrace

I get like this and I really hate it. I wish I could switch off my emotions when im around my inlaws but its so hard.
OH and I are quiet, calm people and our house is always chilled out. OH's family are the total opposite. As soon as they are in contact with our son it is like a frenzy of shouting, clapping, bouncing and baby passing. Then the cameras come out and it gets even more extreme as everyone wants a picture of him in various poses. I get really worked up when I see LO looking so confused and sometimes I just want to leave the room. By the time they leave or we leave LO is always screaming and just seems overwhelmed by the whole thing :\ It also gets on my nerves when they shove their fingers in his mouth to keep him quiet whilst they pass him about..
I dread the day they ask to look after him at their house but as others have said I really don't want to exclude them, especially as I will one day be the mother in law! Hopefully it is all hormonal and I will get over it soon :nope:


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## charlie_lael

I can understand feeling anxious when other people hold your baby. It's only natural. You probably don't feel that way with your own family because youve known them all your life and you trust them.

Not saying you don't trust your in laws, I know I do, but it would still bother me because it's natural. You're naturally going to be cautious and irritated with other people handling your baby unless you've practically lived with them your whole life. I'm sure it will ease off as your child gets older and is less vulnerable.


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## charlie_lael

fionagrace said:


> I get like this and I really hate it. I wish I could switch off my emotions when im around my inlaws but its so hard.
> OH and I are quiet, calm people and our house is always chilled out. OH's family are the total opposite. As soon as they are in contact with our son it is like a frenzy of shouting, clapping, bouncing and baby passing. Then the cameras come out and it gets even more extreme as everyone wants a picture of him in various poses. I get really worked up when I see LO looking so confused and sometimes I just want to leave the room. By the time they leave or we leave LO is always screaming and just seems overwhelmed by the whole thing :\ It also gets on my nerves when they shove their fingers in his mouth to keep him quiet whilst they pass him about..
> I dread the day they ask to look after him at their house but as others have said I really don't want to exclude them, especially as I will one day be the mother in law! Hopefully it is all hormonal and I will get over it soon :nope:

The finger thing is disgusting. I would have slapped all of them! Or shoved my fingers in their mouths and seen how they liked it.

Jeez. That's gross and horribly unsanitary.


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## mamawannabee

I really needed this tonight, I was with MIL and FIL today and felt like this, so upset I was crying. Luckily I had sunglasses on so I could hide it, but OH went and got LO and brought her to me. MIL had her and she was fussy, so she got up, walked to the neighbors and said "I'm stealing her". I could have taken her head off I was so mad. I don't feel this way with anyone else hardly, and don't want to feel it, but I do! I have a lot of resentment toward her just because my mom is dead and she is alive to meet her granddaughter, but this is more than just that. 

I really can't stand that they try to soothe her and leave her crying as some others have said when I know she just wants me or OH! I dread going to see them, because I know I'm just going to get mad. :hugs: to you all, this is such a terrible feeling.


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## amygwen

It's normal to feel that way. I was really similar when my LO was smaller. Even now, even though my LO is much older, I still don't really trust my in-laws entirely. I have several reasons for this. I feel 100% different about my parents with my LO though, I trust them entirely.


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## lu-is

Thanks for all the different posts it was really helpful and insightful to read them. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way, there are so many things to think about.

I've devised a plan for the next time they come to visit and LO isn't napping or eating, I think I will quietly retreat to my room for a nap or to read, or I'll go play the piano or something. This will give them their chance to play and interact with my son and I won't be bothered about every little thing that happens. My DH will still be there, and if he's hungry or fussing too much someone will let me know - or more likely I'll hear as the house isn't very big. It's not that I don't want to visit or talk to them I just think it would be a great way for them to have baby time without me giving off anxious/negative/whoknowswhat vibes. 

I'm getting a little anxious for next weekend already because we are attending a family reunion for my FIL's side I hope it goes well and I can keep my "mama bear" feelings in check. I'm going to try and spend this week relaxing my self so I can go into it with a positive, relaxed mindset.

ETA: I'm also really glad to hear that this feeling will hopefully pass with time. :)


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## Larkspur

mistyscott said:


> She's always calling herself 'nanny' to LO, and I always correct her and say 'great nanny'. She also has an annoying habit of saying 'what's your mummy doing to you?' if he cries while I'm holding/feeding/dressing/playing with him. Um, I'm being his MUMMY!

Oh god, that would drive me insane. Passive-aggressiveness is my pet hate. 

Having said that, it's been good for me to read this thread for the reason that other posters have mentioned... I'm due with my first (maybe only?) and it's a boy. One day I will be the MIL and it would hurt for my DIL to resent me for wanting to be a part of my grandchild's life in the same way her own mother is. 

I guess it is a good long-term lesson in making sure I develop a strong relationship with any future DILs, and a good short-term lesson in being open-minded about my own MIL. I admit I got my back up a bit the other day when my OH told me she'd told him she'd "been to visit [LO's name]". I was like, "Um, he's not even born yet, I thought she was visiting ME." But I'm sure she was just making a joke, not being dismissive of me as just a walking womb containing her grandchild. :haha:


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## SamanthaYC

I only feel this way about my MIL, and I have good reasons. 

1.) She won't let anyone else hold my son

2.) She actually said "no, he's fine" to me when he was fussing and I went to take him back 

3.) She literally races me to him whenever he wakes up from his nap. Literally. 

I finally had enough when we had a small get together at her house. He was being really fussy that day and she offered to put him down to sleep for me while I ate, and I agreed because I just returned from work and was quite hungry. After about 20 minutes, I go to check on him and she is standing over him trying to make him go to sleep on his stomach with a blanket wrapped over his head!! :nope: I scolded her and told her that he could suffocate with the blanket, and he is supposed to be on his back! He wasn't even sleepy. His eyes were wide and he was looking around contently. I took him back to the party and he eventually fell asleep in my arms. But she kept glaring at me the whole time.

What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.


You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!


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## libbylou

I definetly get irratated when MIL and FIL hold LO

They are both heavy smokers and they always reek of smoke. DH and I are both very paranoid about smoke even thirdhand smoke as he's had cancer twice and I HATE when they hold her because all I can think about is all those disgusting chemicals on their skin, hair and breath that is getting all over my precious little girl. And then she stinks after they hold her

LO also pretty much gets hysterical when anyone holds her but me. Yet they insist on holding her even when she's screaming herself red and sweaty and crying so hard she can barely breathe and I end up feeling ill and have to demand to have her back so I can calm her down and they keep going "its ok we don't mind that she's crying"...well I do, especially because she's hysterical!


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## Jenna Lynn

SamanthaYC said:


> What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.
> 
> 
> You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!

This ^^ and I'm still trying to find a tactful, polite way around it. My in-laws gang up on me and never allow me to be with my baby. They just pass her around from one to another and rush her out of the room when she gets fussy so they can try to hide it. They just refuse to give her up and I can't understand why, especially now that she can communicate what she wants. She's in the phase now where she _reaches_ for me and they still try to purposely distract her away from me! Now I boldly follow them around and snatch her back up, which has created some lovely tension. :haha: 

When LO was three months old, we went to a birthday party of a mutual acquaintance and I was pushed on the sidelines while they did what they wanted with her. *My first Christmas with my first baby*, they completely took over. I didn't spend one moment with my baby during Christmas, she was in their laps just being passed around while looking dazed and finally, crying hysterically. (Then, just giving up and going into overtired mode.)

By the time we got home, my LO was up all night screaming in her sleep from overstimulation!

i finally had enough and have learned to be a lot more assertive (ie, getting right up in their face when LO is being fussy and saying, "Ok, Mommy is taking you now.") 

But, really, it doesn't matter if it's the in-laws or my own parents. I've become invisible. :haha: They basically just come up and snatch my LO out of my arms. I know they're well-meaning and love her so much, but it's irritating.

I take a deep breath and say, this too shall pass. LO has many people that love her and battle for her affection but it's really overwhelming sometimes. Especially when they view you suspiciously because you don't do things the way they feel you should. :shrug:

But being a Mommy has taught me one thing; how to be a bitch and not apologize for it. Not to care about anyone's opinion because (as I've discovered) _everyone_ has a opinion once you have a child.

I just try to stay busy now when other people have her and get what I need done. The separation anxiety eases with time. And, no matter what the opinion is, at the end of the day we are still their Mommies, and ultimately we have final say on everything concerning our babies.


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## AmethystDream

I think that some people are kindof missing the point. It isn't because of who they are, it because of *how* they are. 

Regardless of who it was who was grabby, entitled and refused to return my baby when they were upset or I asked, I wouldn't then be as comfortable with them holding the baby. 

That is why some ladies are perfectly happy with some SILs holding the baby and not others.. it isn't about titles or them being your OH's family, it's about how they react to you and your child. 

A for instance? I have 2 MILs and Inlaw families, I have no issue at all with one of them and it happens to be ex's family. MIL remembers enough about being a Mum that babies want their Mummy. They don't want to be rocked/walked/shushed into submission, whilst getting more and more upset. There is a major difference between trying to settle a baby to be helpful and being selfish. Being selfish is putting your own needs above that of the baby and many of the problems described here are because of that, not because they are the dreaded MIL.

Now my OH's Mother, my 'current' MIL, is one of those described. She would snatch the baby at every opportunity, be in their face, do everything she wanted to do regardless of how much it upset the baby. She is also the type who would argue, pout and get angry because - heaven forbid - you would like to get your baby back to comfort them! 

I know that I am not perfect. however, I also know that I will NEVER act that way with any potential Grandchildren. I won't snatch baby away, wake them purposely, walk off with them, make jokes about stealing them, judge the parents, give unsolicited advice or put myself above the needs of baby and their Mother. I also will not make myself so unapproachable or react so childishly that a parent can't happily and comfortably ask for their baby back.

So, you see, this is far less to do with Inlaws than it is selfish behaviour. Big red herring.


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## Pinky00

Exactly wss ^^

If anyone else was the way MIL is I would feel equally annoyed....but no one else does it!


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## Angelz79

I agree it's not WHO MIL is, it's HOW. I realize she raised 3 children, although I question how well they turned out, but that's a different issue entirely. I nurse LO, burp him beautifully, hand him over perfectly happy, and when he starts to fuss and want his mommy again, she say, "oh he's fine, he just as wind". When I read the earlier comment about wind, I had to laugh because it's totally true!

My ILs think I am overprotective, but what mother isn't when her LO is so young? FIL actually told me to relax and let LO be when I had to go looking for him after MIL took him into another room for half an hour. This from the same man who asked me if LO was sleeping through the night 2 days after he was born!

I am sad to think I will be the MIL one day as I have a son, but I would like to think that I will think of what the child wants and needs rather than think I know best. I know the bond between a mother and daughter is different than that of a mother and son. I've been trying to explain that point to my OH since I found out I was pregnant and his mother started emailing and texting for updates (she never phones, which is another irritating thing as having a detailed conversation via text is inefficient).


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## RedRose

I remember when Lily was a baby I didn't mind people holding her unless she started crying, then I would feel really anxious. But, unless my memory is playing tricks on me, everyone _except_ PIL would hand her back to me if she was crying. They would always take her further away from me or ignore me when I said she was hungry/tired etc. It made me really resent them tbh, because it's selfish. They should have wanted their new granddaughter to be comforted more then they wanted to hold her.

Maybe PIL come on so strong because they have an inherent fear that they are family outsiders? Of course this would only seek to alienate a new mother even more.

And those who are worried because they have boys- don't be! My brother is really close with my mum. It's perfectly do-able to raise sons who are close to their family in the same way daughters are! Just give any future DIL space if you feel she wants it!


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## whit.

I sure hope I only have girls. I would hate if my sons wife felt this way about me holding my grandchild. :(


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## JadeBaby75

This is one thing that scares the crap out of me when having a son. I would hate for my DIL to feel this way about me.


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## tommyg

Amythest hit it on the head that new mums can't stand IL's being selfish with their baby. I also wonder if it's something to do with most people having 100% faith in their own mum, as in you've only known her all of your life!!! You 100% have faith that she will never hurt you or your baby or her behaviour is to help you not to hurt you she knows the second you are irritated and when you want LO back. 

Where as MILs are generally new in your life, you have never been 100% reliant on them, they will never know you the same as your own mum.

However I have realised over the years my MIL is selfish not only with DS, but generally the stuff she expects her children to do for her and never offers to help anybody unless it suits her. 

I can see MIL is selfish but DH can't. So maybe daughters can't see their own mothers selfishness??? 

To the mums of boys who are scared of becoming a MIL. Chill be supportive and caring and I'm sure you can gain DIL's trust. Don't ever admit that you don't care about her the way her own mother does, esp if her life was threatened during pregnancy!


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## eulmh82

I'm the same!!!!!!! I thought it was because they were my husband's family but I'm fine with his grandparents aunt and cousins it;s just my MIL and FIL. Their comments just irritate me - I swear they are fighting for top place with my LO. I had to stop them coming over at one point as they were over 5 times a week - just dropping stuff off and my LO was taken off me a lot especially when he cried and then she gets annoyed when I get stressed that I dobn;t ask her for help. i wouldn;t mind HELP but what I do not want is somebody else taking over my child! I am very protective over what I see is my territory - my house - I do not like somebody else doing my washing and commenting on my knickers - nor do i like being gievn some different dishcloths becayse she doesn;t like mine. Nor do I like the constant questions of "ios he ok like that" wouldn;t you prefer to do it this way - if I would bloody prefer to do it that way I;d be doing it that way wouldn;t I! My FIL suggested last week that I would need to take my dummy off my LO as his teeth won;t come through - der coz you see a lot of toothless 2 yr olds with dummies. He only has it to sleep btw and when he;s old enough to bargain it in for something I will be doing. MY FIL also told me I couldn;t give my 15 wk old baby a rattle that is suitable from birth in case he hit his head. I'll just sit in him a little crash helmet then shall i!


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## eulmh82

and you are so right with the comment of <MIL has had her chance now she needs to let me mother my own son! I'm mad again with her thinking about it! GRRRRRRRRRR


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## Ganton

I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.


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## erikab922

I get so upset and stressed out when my in-laws come over, once I had to leave the room with the excuse that I needed to express milk but in reality I was sobbing at the thought of them being with her. FIL (actually DH's stepfather) is an illiterate a-hole who keeps going on about how he can't wait until she's older and he can take her fishing. Over my dead body, the guy gives me the creeps. My MIL is a perfectly nice and well-meaning lady but she has made terrible life choices (choice of husband for one thing, who she married mere months after the death of her first husband just so she could have someone to help her with her kids, never mind that he bullied the crap out of all of them) and I don't trust her with my baby. They were over once when the midwife came to make her visit when LO was a week old and MIL was doing _everything_ wrong. Lucky for me the midwife was the one to point it all out to her.. 'I know we used to do it this way but it's not safe, you need to do it like this' for everything she was doing. MIL is nice but dim and was unfortunate to have had a terrible, abusive childhood so is not very 'motherly'. I always make a point to say to my husband 'I'm not picking on your mother, I'd be the same way with my mom if she did these things'. I guess that's an easy thing to say when my mom is 4000 miles away though.


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## losingtheplot

Shit, i must be an awful mother as i am happy to pass my babies around eekk! my Mil was waiting outside the room when i had my last two babies and held them for me while i had a shower! But my MIl is awesome and very laid back and does not question my parenting at all!

But something happened the other day that i never thought would bother me, ok so when my LO chews on my mums or best friends fingers it feels fine they are family but the other day a not so much friend, but lady i know popped in for a cuppa and ask to hold the baby fine yes she loves attention so anyway she lets her start chewing on her fingers and seriously i thought i was going to be sick it was awful! so we all have things that make us feel horrible! i honestly did not know how to get my baby back quick enough <shudder> x x x


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## eulmh82

losingtheplot said:


> Shit, i must be an awful mother as i am happy to pass my babies around eekk! my Mil was waiting outside the room when i had my last two babies and held them for me while i had a shower! But my MIl is awesome and very laid back and does not question my parenting at all!
> 
> But something happened the other day that i never thought would bother me, ok so when my LO chews on my mums or best friends fingers it feels fine they are family but the other day a not so much friend, but lady i know popped in for a cuppa and ask to hold the baby fine yes she loves attention so anyway she lets her start chewing on her fingers and seriously i thought i was going to be sick it was awful! so we all have things that make us feel horrible! i honestly did not know how to get my baby back quick enough <shudder> x x x

That would bother me. My MIL keeps kissing LO's head and it drives me mad -I know she;s his grandma but I hinestly think she;s pretending he;s hers!


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## Saphira

Jenna Lynn said:


> I experienced the exact same thing and really believe its primal. My biggest piece of advice is to not burn bridges during this phase because one day LO will be independent and you will be grateful if the in-laws can offer you a break.
> 
> No one knows LO in those first tender months like Mommy does. Its no coincidence that newborns cling to Mommy and have no social-interaction interest. Mommy reads baby's early signals and knows what they require; in-laws tend to ignore signals until baby is screaming down the house because they dont want to give LO up. This is very distressful for both Mommy and baby, who just want to be with each other.
> 
> ( Baby believes their survival is being jeopardized by being separated from Mommy; Mommy feels hollow and lost without comforting Baby in her arms, her heart literally aches.)
> 
> Some more advice: learn to be assertive! The most dangerous animal in nature is Mama with babies, for good reason. Your in-laws are triggering this primitive Mama Bear in you so use it to tell them to back off. This is intimidating for new mommies but it gets easier once you start asserting yourself more.
> 
> (The trick is asserting yourself firmly and politely when your primitive Mama Bear just wants to rip someone's face off!) :haha:
> 
> It will pass, ladies. Its natural for Mama and Baby to want to be close right now so stay in close proximity for when your LO needs you, and dont ever allow anyone to pressure you into something you arent comfortable with.
> 
> Trust your instinct. You are the Mommy, you have the control. :hugs:

This makes SO much sense! I couldn't have thought of a better explanation for this feeling. Thanks Jenna Lynn! I don't feel so strange for feeling the way I do anymore. I'm going to have my husband read this tonight so he can see where I'm coming from better. I truly do like both of his parents, they're both great people and I mean that. That's why it was such a mystery to me when I began feeling frustrated/upset/nervous when we see them - my daughter is ripped away from me (how I see it) and her signals often go ignored. I must say though, things are getting better thankfully.

Wanted to add - I'm living abroad so my mom doesn't have much relation with her granddaughter. When she was here to visit for a couple weeks there are a few things that frustrated me too (for example, my daughter was crying because she was overtired and I tried to take her from my mom a few times and she kept trying to handle it.. :wacko:) So, this isn't me just mother in law bashing! The difference would be that I can tell my own mom what bothers me but it's not that easy to tell my mother in law in fear she'd take it the wrong way or be upset at me.. just to clarify.


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## tommyg

Ganton said:


> I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.

My MIL has done this twice, first time I'd walked the wee man to sleep and the second time we were staying at their house and she came into the room at 8.00 to lift him while we slept "too keep him in his routine" what f'ing routine we were baby led and routine random. I woke to find DH say something to her and her lifting him and was too tired to know what to do. But I see it as another act of her selfishness wanting time with LO without me. It is another reason why I don't trust her.

How would I have felt if my own mother had done this...probably equally upset...and see the act as putting her own wants over LO's needs.


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## pinklightbulb

eulmh82 said:


> That would bother me. My MIL keeps kissing LO's head and it drives me mad -I know she;s his grandma but I hinestly think she;s pretending he;s hers!

Really?
Grandma can't even kiss LO without it being an issue?!
I'm with vintage. I hope my sons turn out gay.


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## Arlee

Well I am living the dream ladies! I just told my Mother in law yesterday that she is no longer allowed to see my children! I won't go into why too much, as it is too much to tell, but the last straw was when she said I wasn't allowed to attend my sister in laws wedding, and my Husband would have to go without me, bacause my sister in law doesn't want babies at her wedding. I am still breastfeeding so I can't leave the baby as she doesn't take a bottle at all and she also has seperation anxiety. So no more mother in law for me! Yay! My Husband is totally in agreeance and supporting me which is awesome.


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## jenniferttc1

I hope my future DIL doesnt not feel this way about me holding their baby :cry: Seems like alot of MILs get pushed to the side and just not important. Makes me feel really sad as a mother to a little boy.


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## lu-is

tommyg said:


> Ganton said:
> 
> 
> I agree that this isn't about who the person is, but how they are. My own mum picked up my sleeping baby today and deliberately tried to wake him up. Half an hour later, a very upset and tired baby was handed back to me. I was equally annoyed with that as I would be if it had been my MIL. The only difference is that I feel more able to tell my mum that I'm not happy with what she did, and ask her not to do it again.
> 
> My MIL has done this twice, first time I'd walked the wee man to sleep and the second time we were staying at their house and she came into the room at 8.00 to lift him while we slept "too keep him in his routine" what f'ing routine we were baby led and routine random. I woke to find DH say something to her and her lifting him and was too tired to know what to do. But I see it as another act of her selfishness wanting time with LO without me. It is another reason why I don't trust her.
> 
> How would I have felt if my own mother had done this...probably equally upset...and see the act as putting her own wants over LO's needs.Click to expand...

I agree, there are things my own mother says and does with my LO that make me roll my eyes too or make me very frustrated. I think a major difference between my mom and MIL is that my MIL lives near us and my own mother lives in a different city so we don't actually see her near as often.


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## Angelz79

I think us mothers with sons just need to remember these feelings when we become the MIL. The majority here agree it is not actually their MIL they have the negative feelings towards, it's their MIL's actions which are perceived as selfish. When our own mothers behave the same way, we are comfortable enough to say what's on our mind and personally, my mother understands and listens. From what I read here, very few of us feel comfortable speaking our mind to our MILs so instead we bottle it up for fear of offending the ILs and keeping the peace.


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## nicb26

I'm the same, even though I like my inlaws! I'm with her 24/7, dh doesn't do much baby care, so I feel like she's mine (I know that's wrong) and always just want her back. I wasn't like it when she was newborn, but as she's grown so has our bond, and I hate being away from her now.


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## Saphira

Angelz79 said:


> I think us mothers with sons just need to remember these feelings when we become the MIL. The majority here agree it is not actually their MIL they have the negative feelings towards, it's their MIL's actions which are perceived as selfish. When our own mothers behave the same way, we are comfortable enough to say what's on our mind and personally, my mother understands and listens. From what I read here, very few of us feel comfortable speaking our mind to our MILs so instead we bottle it up for fear of offending the ILs and keeping the peace.

See, that's just it. I don't feel like women with sons need to worry about the future. Respect your future daughter in law/s and try to be as easy to talk to as you can for them and there shouldn't be an issue..


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## lisa1980

I think it's partly down to how they behave but it's also down to how comfortable you feel with saying what's on your mind to them, which is often harder with ILs as it's not the same relationship as you have with your own parents.

I'm lucky and my MIL is great. She is generally very easy to get on with and I can speak my mind with her, and she's supportive of decisions I make for LO. She sometimes does things that grate on me slightly, but no more than anyone else tbh, and most of the time it's just me being over-hormonal or over-tired and cranky rather than her fault. I think if she was like som eof the MILs I read about on here then we'd have much more of a problem, but she never purposely tried to undermine me. If anything, my family are more likely to be overbearing on many occasions. I try to make sure that my ILs get as much time with LO as my parents as I know they love him to pieces and I don't want them to feel excluded, but it is tricky to balance sometimes.

I hope to have a similar relationship with my DIL if my LO has a family :thumbup:


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## aliss

vintage67 said:


> I now hope neither of my sons marry or they are both gay.
> 
> I am so sick of this. I am glad that you all can come somewhere and vent, but agree with some of the other posters. As a mother with two sons, this is terribly depressing, disheartening and disconcerting.

I totally agree with you and I've got only boys too (and probably only will as this is the last planned).

Some girls, okay, I understand. But sometimes girls, you are just completely OTT. 

Perhaps it has a lot to do with some girls being new mothers, being insecure about their authority as a mother, and feel a direct "challenge" from their MILs, I don't know.


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## Victoriaaa

im the same, and then they make me feel bad for holding him while im there etc, or feeding him etc. Finally spoke up the other day, and will be doing more often if needed. I asked to feed him once and they looked am me like i was the devil and sulked. If i want him back i will. People have had their times with their babies.. now its time for us to have ours.

For me its nothing to do with thinking of my inlaws as competition or a challenge.. i get on really well with them but i not going to be shunned for wanting to hold/feed them if i want to if their with us. Simple


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## charleosgirl

I don't have issues with IL's but with having their only granddaughter I noticed they say how's my girl, (actually my own mom does this too) and especially MIL takes her without asking, offered to babysit when they were visiting so I could run some errands. I said no that's fine cause she's with me all the time. I know they love her so much and miss her but there are some boundaries, I am flexible though for the most part and try to consider their feelings., if she just wants me or if I don't want others to hold or feed her. I'd say with IL's there is always going to be a bit of a balancing act no matter how well you get on.


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## aliss

I personally don't understand when people get offended by the "my baby" part.

My MIL has always called my boy "mon bébé d'amour" which literally translates to "my love baby". I thought it's cute. She knows it's not her baby :rofl:


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## Jenna Lynn

aliss said:


> Some girls, okay, I understand. But sometimes girls, you are just completely OTT.
> 
> Perhaps it has a lot to do with some girls being new mothers, being insecure about their authority as a mother, and feel a direct "challenge" from their MILs, I don't know.

Perhaps. Or perhaps it's the other party feeling insecure / threatened because LO has a natural attachment to Mommy the first few months (a natural phase), and Baby constantly grizzling/fussing for Mommy somehow makes said other party feel inadequate or rejected.


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## highhopes19

I feel like this when my mil holds my lo, because a few weeks back I was standing in the door way of the front room when she was holding her, lo started getting restless and wringing, and mil went "ssshhhh mummy's here" "come to mummy" my blood was boiling! I ran in snatched Isabelle gave her a filthy look and stormed out the room!


It wasn't a slip of the tongue as she kept repeating it over and over to her :growlmad:.

Now whenever she goes near her I get an awful sick feeling in my tummy


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## vintage67

Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?

Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.


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## AmethystDream

vintage67 said:


> Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?
> 
> Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.

I don't have 'so much animosity' towards my MIL but I do take exception to her horrible behaviour. There is quite a big difference. I also happen to be well into my thirties with 4 children, so the theory falls flat with me.

I have to be honest, I also find it a little patronising.


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## vintage67

Not at all. The time period of 18-25 or so is full of insecurities and becoming an adult woman. Throwing motherhood into the mix at a young age can make someone feel very insecure and even defiant as they feel people think they are unknowledgeable. I don't think that's patronizing at all. A lot of younger women on here have commented about people saying things to them in public about the way their baby is dressed, etc. I think we all get that from people; I know I have. But the young mom immediately thinks it is a shot at her for being young. Just wondering if that increases some of the MIL animosity as well.


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## tommyg

I'm 36 and have MIL issues. 

I rant on here because it's safe I never pass my worries or problems to my family why worry them with my problems? Hence my family don't know the half of it. She had my 40 year old sister seething and my 70 year old uncle described her as rude at my sons Christening because MIL on 3 occassions took my son from my sister when she was trying to make sure my extended family got to meet him and got photos with him.

So no age has nothing to do with it.


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## AmethystDream

vintage67 said:


> Not at all. The time period of 18-25 or so is full of insecurities and becoming an adult woman. Throwing motherhood into the mix at a young age can make someone feel very insecure and even defiant as they feel people think they are unknowledgeable. I don't think that's patronizing at all. A lot of younger women on here have commented about people saying things to them in public about the way their baby is dressed, etc. I think we all get that from people; I know I have. But the young mom immediately thinks it is a shot at her for being young. Just wondering if that increases some of the MIL animosity as well.

I must respectfully disagree. I'd say that you are generalising and not really giving enough credit to the woman who have posted here about their problems. 

I certainly wouldn't say that a lot of young Mums would take a random stranger's unsolicited comments as a slight on their motherhood and not all ladies with MIL problems are feeling animosity towards them because of their age and/or status as a new parent.

Equally, not all MILs are well intentioned women who are just overexcited to be a Grandparent.

To be scared of a Son's future relationships because of threads like these is bizarre. Be respectful to your Son and his partner and you won't end up in a situation like has been described. If you act like an entitled, manipulative person you will more than likely be treated that way, regardless of who you are and what your title is.


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## aliss

... But I think vintage is referring to instances that really have nothing to do with the MIL being evil in any way.

For example, girls here have been upset just because they hold the baby, or kiss the baby on the forehead. They say it's "just because" it's MIL. Very, very few women will complain about this when their own mothers do it. 

So I think the truth has to lie somewhere in the middle in many instances. Nobody's denying that some MILs are just nasty people (my dad is the one who is the nasty "FIL", whereas my MIL & FIL, & mom are gems) but sometimes it really does seem like girls just feel insecure and challenged by the "other woman", so to speak.


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## AmethystDream

aliss said:


> ... But I think vintage is referring to instances that really have nothing to do with the MIL being evil in any way.
> 
> For example, girls here have been upset just because they hold the baby, or kiss the baby on the forehead. They say it's "just because" it's MIL. Very, very few women will complain about this when their own mothers do it.
> 
> So I think the truth has to lie somewhere in the middle in many instances. Nobody's denying that some MILs are just nasty people (my dad is the one who is the nasty "FIL", whereas my MIL & FIL, & mom are gems) but sometimes it really does seem like girls just feel insecure and challenged by the "other woman", so to speak.

When it is 'just because it is MIL', I wouldn't say that age or experience has anything to do with it. Vintage was asking if _anybody_ on this thread was anything but a young inexperienced Mother and to come to that conclusion, considering some experiences that have been shared, was quite unfair. 

As I said, regardless of title, we will not feel comfortable with some people being around our children because of the way they act. Not because of feeling threatened or challenged but because they don't put the needs of your child above their wants.

I was 21 when I had my eldest Daughter and I didn't feel threatened in the least by anybody in my child's life or feel any animosity towards my, then, MIL at all. Now should my current MIL had been around then, my feelings towards her inappropriate and damaging behaviour wouldn't have been anything other than a fully justified reaction to her actions. Not a reflection of personal insecurities on my part nor an overreaction due to age or experience. 

I also think that I would have felt insulted should someone have suggested that it was down to my age and experience, rather than the reality of the situation.


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## tommyg

Regardless of age "when it is just MIL" very often it is lots of little things that add up. 

Yes it might be "only natural" that MIL would not be that worried about my life and her concern would "naturally" be for her unborn grandchild. Well I can honestly tell you it hurt, even after I gave birth she couldn't bring herself to ask if I was OK? 

Do you honestly think I would be happy for somebody who openly admitted she didn't care about me handle my son?


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## highhopes19

vintage67 said:


> Is anyone in this thread having so much animosity towards their mother in law over the age of say, 28 or so? Or are all you that are so threatened, very young mothers?
> 
> Because I think aliss hit on something with some of the insecurities that ALL new mothers have but maybe more intensely if you're only 19-23 or so.

I just have animosity towards a daft batty old cow referring to my lo as her mum, and doing things deliberately to make it look as though I'm going insane..... Because of this I have every right to hate her!


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## pinklightbulb

If you (general) have good reason to dislike your MIL, you shouldn't be offended by those of us with only boys wondering just how petty some other women can be as DILs and fearing for ourselves later on as a result when we are the MIL. In this thread alone there are a couple of shining examples of plain petty; these are the examples vintage, aliss and me are really focusing on. Not the genuine "my MIL is a PITA" examples.


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## tommyg

What would you see as petty?

Remember one thing in isolation might not be the full picture.


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## Saphira

pinklightbulb said:


> If you (general) have good reason to dislike your MIL, you shouldn't be offended by those of us with only boys wondering just how petty some other women can be as DILs and fearing for ourselves later on as a result when we are the MIL. In this thread alone there are a couple of shining examples of plain petty; these are the examples vintage, aliss and me are really focusing on. Not the genuine "my MIL is a PITA" examples.

I personally don't feel I need to justify my feelings of frustration/nervousness when my mother/father in law come over by listing reasons online.. I'll keep my post as is. Everyone's situation is different and no one else should judge it as "petty" from the outside.

My daughter will never be kept from her grandparents. They see her 1-2 times a week and we are all on good terms with one another. Does that mean I always feel comfortable when certain situations come about? Nope.


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## pinklightbulb

Surely some of the examples even stand-alone are petty. I shouldn't have to point them out lol. They speak for themselves, history or not, and some examples even say (paraphrased) "I know it's wrong lol but I can't help myself", which says to me there's no good reason and it's just "because".


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## susywoosy

hansolo said:


> Oh my! You have just described me in a nutshell, haha. I used to get on quite well with both of them, but now they are irritating the hell out of me, especially MIL. I can't even really explain why! Little things she says or the way she says them makes me feel like she's criticizing my parenting, particularly since I started FF. That and the fact she literally WILL NOT PUT DS DOWN from the moment we arrive at their place to the moment we leave. They hardly got to see their first grandchild because of family issues, so now it's like they won't let this one out of their sight! If we don't see them for one day out of the week they (well, MIL in particular) are calling up to ask why.
> 
> Then again, my feelings are probably increased because I lost my Mum six years ago, so I'm missing out on her support and just getting an earful from OH's instead! :dohh:

Its so funny u should feel like this as i've often thot my newly irritated feelings toward MIL stems from the fact i lost my mum 4 years ago and that i feel angry that my mums not here to support me and spend time with DD. i got on so well with my in laws for years, then my DD arrives and i get so jealous and irritated by things she says and does. i've convinced myself she doesnt like me and plays nice just to get her hands on my daughter. totally irrational but just how she makes me ferl x


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## pinklightbulb

And I don't have a good relationship with my MIL either-- but it was me questioning myself about why that made me see I was not being fair. I can admit it and I've now made much more of an effort. I flew home across the country on Xmas Eve because my MIL fried my brain so much, and like I said, in hindsight, it was a selfish thing for me to do. OH and Eamon missed out on Xmas with their mother and grandmother because of me and my insecurities. I regret it very much now.


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## SJP82

I've been following this post with a lot of interest as it's not the MIL that gets my goat, it's actually the FIL. He is just totally smothering from the moment I enter the house, in her face straightaway, and I just want to shout just back off and give the poor child some space! He would rather let her cry in his arms until she falls asleep into submission and then look at me smugly after half hour as though he has the magic touch. Quite frankly I find it totally and utterly selfish. My comments of, she's hungry, or I'll take her now fall completely on deaf ears, and it's that ignorant self righteous attitude that I detest. If it were my parents, I would feel a lot more comfortable saying something, but for sake of family politics I have to bite my tongue.

I'm in my 30's so certainly don't fall into the 'young mum' category, however I do perhaps think that the relationship breakdown between new mum and in-laws is perhaps due to a shift in generation upbringing.

We all rant about inlaws...they had in-laws too when they had babies. It does make me wonder why some of them can behave in the way that they do given that it must have frustrated the hell out of them when they were once in our position? Did they not want to scream 'please leave me be and let me parent in my own way?' If not, then why not? I honestly think it's because women in those days weren't as independent as today's woman. They relied a lot more on the man in the family, they were a lot younger when they had children, and to be honest, they were probably a lot more used to just being told what to do, and doing it without question. This attitude has shifted a lot in the past few decades, so for all you concerned mums of boys only, I really don't think you have anything to worry about. So long as the mother of a child's wishes are respected, and boundaries are not overstepped, I see no reason why animosity should arise. Be there to help if asked, but just don't suffocate them with your good intentions, no matter how well meaning.


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## tucker07

i dont really like it when ppl hold my lo either! i have to sit right there. and wont let certain ppl hold him. i secretly like that right now hes not letting some ppl hold him


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## jenniferttc1

I must be a shit mom.....I let everyone hold him. :rofl: I don't get jealous at all.


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## RedRose

I'd like to share my thoughts even though I don't really feel qualified- we have a strained relationship with PIL but it is 'well justified' and instigated by my husband, so it doesn't feel like our relationship is strained because of *my* issues, iyswim?

But I stand by what I said earlier, and I think that in general PIL do come on stronger than others because they are so aware of being family outsiders. And this of course could alienate a new mother, regardless of her age.

In this thread we have seen the mums accused of being insecure and threatened, but I would go so far as to say that it is actually MIL who behaves as though she is threatened and feels insecure of her place in her sons new family.

You can see it happening already in this thread, mums of baby boys wishing they were gay so there was no 'evil' DIL on the scene. 

I realise that it's a bit like the chicken and the egg and whose 'issues' came first, but I have to say in my experience it is the MIL who alienates the DIL through her insecurity in her role as grandparent and also her changing role as parent to her son.

I think if MIL's could only relax in their trust that they have raised their son to pick a good partner, and is secure enough to give her adult children the space they need while maintaining support, they would have a much closer and more genuine relationship with their DILs.


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## RedRose

(sorry to post again but I'm on my phone and can't add anything to the end of my previous post)

Also, I don't think it's necessary for our mums and our MILs to have an 'equal' relationship with us. I think it is natural and makes sense to me that when we become mothers we become closer to our own mother- who better to support you on this new journey than the person who went through the same journey years earlier with you? It's cyclical and should continue down the generations. I think it's really beneficial for everyone to have a good relationship with your MIL, but I don't think that it can be or should be equal to that of our mums.


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## pinklightbulb

I've never said DILs were evil, not once. (Seen a LOT of MIL is evil on these boards, however.)
And yes, of course and naturally MIL may feel threatened. "OH" is still her son and "LO" is still her grandchild, and she knows she comes second to DIL's own mother and even her own son now that he has a family of his own. Who wouldn't feel threatened by that? 

I know I would/will one day, no matter how nice I am to DIL, I will always be the "second" mother/grandmother. And it's going to hurt. A lot. If that comes across, I will be truly sorry and will apologize for it, but the facts remain that paternal family is often overshadowed and overlooked by the maternal side.

Just putting another view-- MIL's, no matter how mean or nasty she is or how uncomfortable DIL feels around her. This is most likely the reason why. No doubt DIL feels threatened, but for MIL, it is quite possibly worse.


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## Jennifurball

SamanthaYC said:


> I only feel this way about my MIL, and I have good reasons.
> 
> 1.) She won't let anyone else hold my son
> 
> 2.) She actually said "no, he's fine" to me when he was fussing and I went to take him back
> 
> 3.) She literally races me to him whenever he wakes up from his nap. Literally.
> 
> I finally had enough when we had a small get together at her house. He was being really fussy that day and she offered to put him down to sleep for me while I ate, and I agreed because I just returned from work and was quite hungry. After about 20 minutes, I go to check on him and she is standing over him trying to make him go to sleep on his stomach with a blanket wrapped over his head!! :nope: I scolded her and told her that he could suffocate with the blanket, and he is supposed to be on his back! He wasn't even sleepy. His eyes were wide and he was looking around contently. I took him back to the party and he eventually fell asleep in my arms. But she kept glaring at me the whole time.
> 
> What I am trying to say is that it seems like I have to compete to be able to care for my son. She needs to let me mother my baby, as she had her chance to mother all three of her children.
> 
> 
> You girls are not alone with this feeling! It's terrible!

I was going to read the whole thread before replying but then I saw this! I am absolutely appalled by that. My MIL is no better, she put Scarlett in a sleep bag for an 18 month old with a blanket on the other day, we have been over the blanket thing sooooooooo many times with her. I don't even know why she had a sleep bag for an 18 month old, she is 7 weeks old! This is the person who DEMANDED I use a sleep bag on her at 4 days old, the one she gave to me was for a 3-6 month old. I honestly don't get her logic.

She also sucks Scarlett's dummy before giving it to her, that is one thing that makes me heave, even I wouldn't do it and I am her mum. How on earth is someone's mouth cleaner than it just dropping out onto the sofa, in the cot etc? :nope:

I guess I feel sorry for the MIL's who have done nothing wrong but from my experience and stories from my sister with her MIL, they are just overbearing and feel they have something to prove because they aren't the mother of the child's mother and my MIL from day 1 has made out I do everything wrong. She sterilises the bottles and guesses how much water to use so I have to do it all again. I keep telling OH to speak to her because if I do it will get nasty because I have had so much crap from that side of the family and I am sick of it. My sister said my MIL was even giving my mum filthy looks when she first held Scarlett in the hospital, that is low. :nope: :growlmad: She is my mum's grandchild as much as hers FFS.

She is also rough with Scarlett when she cries, she holds the dummy in her mouth really hard and rocks her violently and thinks putting her in a million layers will make her sleep better, yes, permanently if you don't effing stop. :growlmad:

I have even told my mum she can't sit her when I return to work because MIL will expect the same, so I am having to pay for childcare simply because she does not listen to me or respect my wishes with how I wish to care for my baby.

I knew I shouldn't have come on this thread, my blood is boiling for me and everyone else now! :haha:


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## eulmh82

RedRose said:


> I'd like to share my thoughts even though I don't really feel qualified- we have a strained relationship with PIL but it is 'well justified' and instigated by my husband, so it doesn't feel like our relationship is strained because of *my* issues, iyswim?
> 
> But I stand by what I said earlier, and I think that in general PIL do come on stronger than others because they are so aware of being family outsiders. And this of course could alienate a new mother, regardless of her age.
> 
> In this thread we have seen the mums accused of being insecure and threatened, but I would go so far as to say that it is actually MIL who behaves as though she is threatened and feels insecure of her place in her sons new family.
> 
> You can see it happening already in this thread, mums of baby boys wishing they were gay so there was no 'evil' DIL on the scene.
> 
> I realise that it's a bit like the chicken and the egg and whose 'issues' came first, but I have to say in my experience it is the MIL who alienates the DIL through her insecurity in her role as grandparent and also her changing role as parent to her son.
> 
> I think if MIL's could only relax in their trust that they have raised their son to pick a good partner, and is secure enough to give her adult children the space they need while maintaining support, they would have a much closer and more genuine relationship with their DILs.


You are soooooooooooo right and you have worded my opinion in a much more articulate way than I ever could have. My MIL has been overbearing in insisting i call her if I need help - the implication is before my own mum. I feel like she is fighting for my spot when you;re right it;s clearly her who is insecure! I guess boys don;t talk to their mums as much as girls so she is always going to be the second one I go to! She's been in tears on many occasions apparently because she's not been included as much as she wants to be - the fact is I took her to look at houses when we were looking, she came to help me pick my wedding dress, she;s stayed over night once when LO was going mad. I don;t think I could include her more than I do but she;s the one who is threatened - I thought it was me who was threatened but I see it now it;s her!!!!! I have a little boy but I really hope I can learn from this experience and do my best for my future DIL and any grandchildren
I will not: 1) keep asking if the baby is "ok like that"
2) ask my daughter in law if she would prefer to do it this way - ie my way
3) give my DIL new dishcloths because I don;t like hers
4) go through my DIL's washing and laugh at her knickers
5) snatch my grandson away from my DIL
6) insist that my DIL can't cope when actually she's doing just as good a job as any other new mum
7)make fun of my DIL for worrying about baby's weight gain
8)talk to the baby as a way of questioning my DIL's mothering techniques
9) make comments on housekeeping
10) tell random people that she thinks she can do it all by herself

think that's the end.... :) I need to remember all of these things because I don;t want to get my DIL's back up like mine has been got up.


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## vmaddoxx

I am in the same boat! I dont mind anyone else but my mil holding my daughter. She waits to 'pounce' on my daughter and I just cant stand it. She wants to do everything with her and for her and exclude me at every cost. I know that it is totally unreasonable and makes no sense, I am pushing my mother in law away and burning some bridges here. I wish that I wasnt. My daughter is 18 months and I am still feeling this way. What do I do? any idea why I feel this way? I wish I didnt.


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## stephalie

I get that way somewhat. I get annoyed because my MIL takes him from the second I come into the house or she enters mine until I leave. I don't mind that as much as I mind how badly she over stimulates him. He'll cry often because she is forcing herself on him too much or doing too many stimulating things and he just cries. When I try to take him she will practically run away and my DH has to pry him free. THAT is what annoys me the most.


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## nadream247

COMPLETELY AGREE. my dad and step-mom were just here visiting and the minute my 6 week old started crying, my step-mom goes, "oh no sounds like she wants her nana!" and she went and grabbed her before I could even say anything, and she tried to soothe her but just did everything wrong. and even if I had picked her up and couldn't get her to stop crying right away, at least I would know that I'm doing that things that usually soothe MY daughter -- I'm not just stuffing a pacifer in her mouth and rocking her back and forth while she is screaming crying (like she did!). AND then she has the nerve to tell me "I'll calm her down" when I go over to her (after cringing for a minute to let her "try) and she turns away from me with my baby. This is SO aggrevating. But on the other hand I feel guilty because they come to visit just to see her, but honeslty, why can't they enjoy her when she isn't crying - why does she have to want to take her when she is crying? next time I'm going to say something to her - or I'm thinking of even saying something BEFORE they come, about how important the bond between mother and baby are and that my breasts start to pulse (i'm breastfeeding) when she cries so I need to take her because she is MY daughter! I also only feel this way with certain people, so far it's just with my step-mom! will see about MIL in a few weeks!


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## onetwothreebp

I had about 8 different people to reply to before I noticed this post was almost a year old. I'm just going to slowly back out of this thread... as a mother to a son, I get defensive about in-law bashing!


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## twobecome3

I was a nervous wreck staying at the inlaws up until recently. the first time we stayed over they hogged the baby, didn't want to give her back when she was upset, bossy bossy bossy, and kept her up way past her bedtime. she screamed the house down. I was so pissed I barely said a word to them the next day, and we left early. even vowed on the way home that they would have to come visit us from then on:haha:. talked to my mom about it and she made a good point - everyones just trying to find their way with the new baby. and I needed to speak up cuz ppl cant guess how I feel, and they just think they are 'helping' by hanging on to her when shes fussy. so I talked to my H about it and we agreed that he will take the baby back whenever shes upset and we will all be going up to bed around 5-6 pm. so over the next few visits it got easier and i got less anxious. i still get a bit uncomfortable sometimes when they are holding her so i just go into the other room and watch tv so LO doesn't pick up on it. i don't feel this way at all when they come to ours. just when we stay over there im out of my element, i just try to stick to our routine as much as possible. i think its just easier with my own mom cuz she can read me like a book so she knows when somethings upsetting me. also i think MIL's tend to be bossy out of habit because boys tend to need more social direction. ie. H's mom still texts him to remind him to call his sister, grandma, dad, etc on their birthdays. she plans all their get-togethers, meals, activities, etc (just like im the social director at our house) so it just kind of carries over onto the new baby when we're there as she's used to running the scene at her home. 

another factor for the MIL/DIL rift is menopause starting round the same time the new baby arrives. so her hormone shift meeting our hormone shift. my MIL has been really intense/strange lately. SIL came over last week and WENT OFF in a megarant about how needy/lost/crazy shes been, calling/texting SIL constantly, crying for no reason, etc.

i hope that made sense, im sleepy.


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## twobecome3

onetwothreebp said:


> I had about 8 different people to reply to before I noticed this post was almost a year old. I'm just going to slowly back out of this thread... as a mother to a son, I get defensive about in-law bashing!

ohhh geez :dohh: i didn't realize this was an ancient post :haha:


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