# at my wits end :(



## louise1302

with my 12 year old, he has zero respect for me my house or anyone in it, or school for tyhat matter

he doesnt come home from school until he feels like it anything up to midnight when im going frantic and calling the police

hes naughty in school and has no respect for the teachers. he gets s4ent to short stay(isolation) at least once a week and has been suspended 5 times this year already

he hits my oh(his step dad) and i mean punches him in the face if he dares tell him off

when he does finally come home(he always does) hes so blase about it "oh ive been with my mates so what" 

and it gets even better tonight ive discovered over the week almost 20pounds has gone missing from my purse and my other sons medal he earned in a tournament has been stolen(it definitely cant have been the pther 2 older lads as theyve not left my sight when theyve played out its been on the green in front of the house

i dont know what to do with him for the best no punishment works i dont want to hit him, i cant ground him except for weekends as he just wont come home. he denys stealing and i cant actually prove it even though i know its him

i did hear something about the family intervention service who deal with naughty kids but apparently all they do is tell them to behave and then take them out and i dont want him rewarded for doing things the other kids do automatically and get nothing for iykwim

its not like he wants for anything his bedroom has everything from an xbox 360 psp and stereo to his own hamster

im so sad hes turning out this way :cry: my 10 and 11 yr olds are so much more mature and sensible and theyve all been raised the same way

his father is a waste of space he looks after him 3 weeks a year and lets him do whatever he wants whenever he wants from eating to sleeping and going to bed and gettingb up(obviously he doesnt have school there) 

i really am at a loss


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## xxxjacxxx

aww hun I really feel for you. We are going through something similar here with my 13 year old. Although he wouldn't dare even look at my OH funny, nevermind hit him.....I cant beleive he punches his step dad, that is down right disrespectful :shock:

I would start off by setting some ground rules, he is 12, he should be following your rules not his own! Give him a time to be home, if he's late, ground him or take his phone/laptop/xbox off him...this works with Ryan.

The school actually got a policeman to come into school to have a word with Ryan and he took him to our local police station and showed him the cells....:blush: Harsh but it worked for a while.

Im sorry, ive got no more constructive advice but you have to get a grip of him now, before its too late :hugs:


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## louise1302

thats the thing jac ive told him to be home by 3 30 every night this week but he just wont ive had the police and they give the oooh why are you running away talk wtf hes not running away hes arsing about with his mates, ive promised him rewards for coming in and also punishments for not like i wont get his hair cut until he toes the line, the gang hes in with atm just dont give a toss so neither does he

i even sent a fake letter from the police telling him he had a 6pm curfew and he ignores it


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## TattiesMum

Has he always been like this Louise, or is it something that has started recently?

Personally I'd get really tough - get the school on board... take him to school and collect him myself once school is over and confiscate all of his electrical items (playstation, xbox, phone - the lot) - to be earned back by good behaviour. Make sure that your money is hidden and locked away

It will be tough on you, because he's going to rant and rave and you are going to have to go out of your way every single day. If he hits you or your OH or trashes the house then press charges. 

Tough Love ... it's about the only option that you have left if you are to get him back on track :( :hugs: I've raised 3 teens and sometimes the only option is a harsh lesson in the realities of life - mine turned out OK in the end - at least relative to so many of their previous friends who seem to be in and out of jail or who have ended up dead thanks to drunken stupidity, car accidents in stolen cars or drug overdoses :( .... it's hard to raise kids in an urban environment these days, especially as they have so many rights and we, as parents, seem to have none :( :hugs:


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## louise1302

i wish i could pick him up but i have to work 3 days a week :growlmad: and i finish at 4, he finally came in tonight at 11 15pm and ive told him how unacceptable it is, im going to get tough and might use this as a kind of record or journal
wish me luck


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## Vickie

:hugs: Good luck


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## TattiesMum

Bummer :( Is there someone else who can pick him up from school?

I swear - we think when they are babies that we will relax when they get older, but the worrying just gets worse!

Good luck Hon :hugs::hugs:


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## shedevil

makes me kinda worried for whats in store for me..i have a 10 yr old girl and 2 boys 5 and 2.fun times ahead!


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## AnnaBanana9

:hugs: Good luck honey xx


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## Lois

It sounds like he has a hell of a lot of emotional pain (linked to his biological father maybe?) and being 12years old has absolutely no clue what to do with it or how to seek comfort in a healthy way. Have you considered the two of you having counselling together? If it is something he would refuse then perhaps you could have the counsellor come to your home so that you don;t have an impossible battle getting him out of the door with you. Being able to talk to someone independent may allow him to open up about things he feels he can't discuss with his family.

Is it likely that he and his friends are drinking and/or taking drugs do you think?

Sorry you're all having to cope with this.
Lx


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## louise1302

i dont think theyre taking drugs or drinking....snoking maybe because i have caught him before

tattiesmum its not a recent thing hes always been the one of mine to push the boundaries right from age about 5 he just got worse when he went to high school as thats a 20 min walk and his primary school was right facing. although he was much worse behaved at primary school

we have tried counselling ande tbh it was useless they made out oh and i were bad parents and took no notice of his behaviour or the fact i have 2 other older kids(1 is 11 months younger and 1 2 years younger) and their behaviour is reasonable(not perfect by any means but what kid is?)

hes been ok so far this morning and the other kids got to sleep last night because i nmade him sleep on a beanbag in my room (sad i know but the mood he was in hed have kept the thers up all night)


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## mommy43

oh hun i really feel for u i have a dd that did all that n more from about 13 she put me through hell i think what worked for me is start each day as a new one if theres punishment to be had have it immediatly remove something till the next day maybe is he sharing a room? if so it makes life a little harder as u cant take things out the room its not fair on the others does he n the others have pocket money? treats? i no it sounds harsh but i started giving mine to the others at a time dd should of been in but wasnt n using well u werent here it does cause outroar but i was determind to make her see she missed out by not being where she should i had to take n collect my daughter up untill now shes turned 16 but it was the only way to get her through school she is better now it seems to be something shes slowley growing out of but like u said i find shes immature i have others younger that are more mature n sensible good luck hun stay strong mean the things u say feel free to pm me i'll help if i can


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## Pixie71

My 13 year old daughter acts up too, does feck all to help,cant be arsed to tidy her room, wont take showers, got into trouble at school etc etc.
I think she has her nose out of joint at arrival of Thom (her dad never lived with us and plays up with seeing her). She gets on with OH but is cheeky. I think puberty makes it worse, maybe you need some 1-1 time with him find out whats troubling him??
Its a tough time, I know that.


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## Dinoslass

Oh, I am so sorry to hear all this. It sounds dreadful. I have three teenage children and all though we have had hard times with my daughter, we were able to set some rules, especially at the age of 12. 
Pity you can't pick him up from school as suggested before as that is what I would do. He is too young to be acting like an adult who decides all that. I would take away all his nice things, let him earn them back. Trouble is that that I do not know if he actually uses things like that at home because from the sound of it he is out most of the time. Is there anything that he does value? Or anything that he likes doing?
If you can not work it out do try and get someone in? Can't school take him a bit longer until you can pick him up? I know here some children have to make their homework in school, so have to stay back an hour. Or anyone else who can pick him up?
It is really hard to give advice, because no doubt you have tried many thigns yourself already.
Good luck!


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## mandy81

:hugs: no advice hun, just wanted to give you some :hugs:


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## louise1302

thanks everyone

he seems to go through stages depending on who hes 'hanging round' with and is very much a sheep if they say dont go home then he wont

he does spend time indoors when i can get him home, lol i did go to pick him up one day from school and they were bringing him to reception, he found out i was there and did a runner out the fire escape. when i finally caught him people were phoning the police because he was shouting that i was kidnapping him and i wasnt his parent :blush:

i have taken away his psp it would have been his phone but he sold that a few weeks ago :growlmad:but tbh i dont know what he values he seems not to give a toss about anything

i have told him if he comes home from schoool for the nextr 3 weeks that are left then ill let him go swimming with his friends in the hols, ive not allowed it before but he is a pretty strong swimmer


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## cabaretmum2b

Oh hun, I am sorry you're having to deal with all this :hugs:
I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but as his behaviour is so erratic, have you tried speaking to the doctor? There could be something causing his behaviour that could be helped, for example if he has more medically-based behavioural difficulties?
Aside from that, I can only suggest what everyone else has - take away his gadgets when he doesn't do as he's told etc.
Would it be worth seeing if you could get him home-schooled? That might take away the problem of him going to school and not coming back, and obviously he's not going to be in the same environment as his group of friends etc.
Carry on being strong, and good luck :hugs:


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## pinkmummy

I can't help but just wanted to send you lots of :hugs: xx


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## Publicstacey

No advice. Just feel for what you all are coping with. Good luck!


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## louise1302

well he actually came in from school today :happydance: however he did steal my bike this morning to get there
he got home at 3 15 (school ends at 2 45) so 30 mins isnt bad long may it continue


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## hypnorm

i'd take away any prividges, and make him earn them back. if he breaks the rules it gets taken away again.
does he share a room with his sibling? would it be better as he is the eldest to have his own room? just a suggestion?


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## TattiesMum

louise1302 said:


> well he actually came in from school today :happydance: however he did steal my bike this morning to get there
> he got home at 3 15 (school ends at 2 45) so 30 mins isnt bad long may it continue

That's really good and has given me an idea ... I know he's way too old for a reward chart, but how about a deal whereby if he continues to keep the rules then, after an agreed amount of time, he can have his own bike?

Bribery often works ... it's just a matter of finding the right bribe LOL


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## louise1302

well...it didnt last, he hasnt come home tonight yet. im pregnant, tired, in work tomorrow and tbh fecking had enough. nothing works at all. all i want to do is have a shower and go to bed but my life is being ruled by a 12 yr old who does exactly as he pleases
he cant have his own room because i only have 3 bedrooms and 4 children so they have to share


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## louise1302

he really is taking the piss i just went out for a walk to see if i could see him and on my way back he came round the corner saw me and ran off so i shouted i was going to get the police to come and find him and he ignored me. being pregnant im not in a fit state to run after him


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## Pixie71

He sounds like he is really testing you or could he have ADHD or something like that, poor you,


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## louise1302

hes still not home ive called the police ive had enough

my neighbour just told me she saw him creep up to the front window and stand looking in on us for ages she thought hed come in but hes run off again

i dont think he has adhd as when hes good he can be really good, he just manipulates people and because he knows theres nothing i can do about him running off he just does it


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## Vickie

:hugs: :hugs:


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## amylk87

I know this may sound silly, but does he know how much his behaviour is hurting you? Has he seen you crying over it? I say this because most boys tend to be mummy's boys and seeing their mother upset makes them sad. Maybe just showing him what it is doing to you may provoke some kind of guilt... good luck x


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## helen1234

oh shit hun, this really isnt what you need :hugs:

i'm crap with advice cos every child is different, but i'd start by sitting him down ad telling him how he makes you feel, i can really get to rosie emotionally if she knows i'm upset. ask him what he really wants from family life as staying out and stealing is unaceptable and he knows it.

i'd strip all priviledges xbox, phone, any money he has, lock your stuff up if you have to, he's got to feel the punishment for it to work.

i've taken rosies laptop because she went through my bedroom bedside table taking bits and bobs ;) and her room is a disgrace in fact it verges on unhygenic. 
if i shout at rosie i get verbal back, but if i completely blank her for a day or so she comes running, refuse to do anything for him, even cooking if he's not there for tea e goes hungry.

i think you need to try sit down talk to him if you can see whats going on :hugs:


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## louise1302

hes still not home the police are looking for him now

ive tried crying, telling him its no good for the baby, hes only eaten tea about 3 times in 2 weeks because i refuse to cook for him if he doesnt come home

nothing beats the lure of his mates-every morning he promises to come home and every night he doesnt :cry: im so tired and have got to leave for work at 7 30


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## danni1979

Oh Hunni
I am so sorry you're going through this,to me it sounds like a very def case of he's hanging around with a bad crowd,and from my own experiance there seems to be sod all you can do till he gets tired of them or you up and move lol,but none of thats gonna help you now!!
I havent been amum very long so dont have much experiance but how does he feel about his dad? Is he close to him?
Maybe you could have a chat with his dad and ask him to let him stay over for a week or so to give you a bit of a break and maybe break him away from his mates abit?? Maybe it might make him realise how good he's got it with you
HTH
xx xx


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## louise1302

hes still not in, no sign of him at all i feel sick


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## Vickie

:hugs: I'm so sorry he's putting you through this :(


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## hypnorm

Wish i could offer some advice, is there anyone you could speak to.
Or come down really hard on him. Take everything away from him? send him to his grandparents? 
have you spoken to his school? sometimes they can offer advice.. maybe even change school.


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## TattiesMum

Oh Hon :( :hugs:

I agree with the others - is there anywhere that you can send him to get him away from the crowd he is running around with?

It's soul destroying when they are like this .... my middle daughter put me through hell and back (she was older than 12 though) and there just doesn't seem to be anything that we are allowed to do as parents :shrug:

If we lock them up they can claim false imprisonment, if we punish them physically then it's abuse, the school just seem to concentrate on telling them their rights and then blaming us when they don't turn up :nope: Social Services don't want to know, nor do the police really :shrug: I feel for you, I really do :hugs:


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## louise1302

hes sat her absolutely crapping himself because he knows theres no excuse he can give the police that will justify what he has done

when they arrive that is :(

someone on my facebook suggested a genius idea.
i cant really pick him uo from school every day as i work until 4pm however theres 2 days a week i dont and his dad can do the other 3. if we pick him up at the end of school then he runs out of a different exit...but if i go beofre the end of school they can take me to his class and ill collect him 10 mins early
hes not even goine to school today-shame as he was really looking forward to sports day which means as his dad worked last night i havent been able to go to work either
thank you everyone :hugs:


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## isil

I'm glad he's not just missing a normal day of school and something that he was actually looking forward to. It makes being off and waiting for the police a punishment rather than a reward (being off school) especially if the police don't turn up. 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this :hugs:


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## hypnorm

i really do hope the police turn up for you, will give you a bit of back up.


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## louise1302

police came and were here less than 30 seconds their job apparently is to make sure ive not abused him, nothing to him about the amount of stress he put me under and the dangers of being out so late

they asked him why he did it and he said he didnt like being grounded and they said if he did it again he would be in trouble, but ive had the police to him loads of times and theyve not done anything so he knows nothing will happen, fail again


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## TattiesMum

louise1302 said:


> police came and were here less than 30 seconds their job apparently is to make sure ive not abused him, nothing to him about the amount of stress he put me under and the dangers of being out so late
> 
> they asked him why he did it and he said he didnt like being grounded and they said if he did it again he would be in trouble, but ive had the police to him loads of times and theyve not done anything so he knows nothing will happen, fail again

This is what I mean Louise :hugs: As parents we seem to have absolutely no power at all :shrug: 

The kids have all the power, and the authorities just don't back us parents up when we need help ... and yet it's all OUR fault in the eyes of the media etc when the kids go off the rails :cry:

My daughter ran away from home to live with her boyfriend - the police wouldn't do anything (there was no point apparently because the courts would just take her wishes into account anyway :dohh:), Social Services didn't want to know and the school just provided her with a mentor who wouldn't talk to me because it would be a 'breach of confidence' .... it didn't stop them sending the bl**dy truant officer round to my house and threatening me with fines etc when she didn't turn up to school though ](*,)

Thankfully she came to her senses of her own accord eventually (and she was a little older than your son), but I well remember the sense of powerlessness of those times :nope::hugs:


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## louise1302

well after everything hes put me through hes not come home from schoiol again tonight
have no idea where he is or what hes doing apart from begging for money at the shops an hour ago (someone told me)

im getting to the point im going to put him in social services care :(


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## shampain

I have no advice but just wanted to give you massive cuddles xxx


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## hypnorm

Maybe that might be the option, have you tried to sit him down and ask him why he isnt happy and what would make him change (sorry if obvious or tried already)

May be tell him that you are thinking of putting him into care if he is that unhappy.
I wish i could help more, i have a strong willed 4 yr old and i pray that he will be a good boy, i understand that you feel powerless.


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## louise1302

well i found him but not before brandon and 8 of his mates had battered his brother :growlmad: Bradley was out on his bike spotted brandon and told him to come home so brandon does no more than batter brad and ivite his mates to join in so now ive called the police, lets see how he likes being arrested i will not tolerate violence against his brothers

i asked his dad to take him full tim and was told he wasnt ready to have him grrr


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## hypnorm

I really feel for you.


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## 24/7

What a horrible situation to be in. :hugs:
When are the police coming round re the incident with his brother? xxxx


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## TattiesMum

Oh Hon :hugs::hugs:


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## v2007

Im so sorry your having to go thru this. 

How did you go with the Police?

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

V xxx


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## louise1302

the police didnt turn up until 10 30 this evening and i told them they couldnt talk to them as they were both in bed asleep, how ridiculous when i called them at 5pm yesterday

well drastic improvement today tbh

he let his dad pick him up from school and was nice, he came in and cleaned his room in return he got 30 mins on facebook(he has an account but he doesnt know the password and only uses it supervised tbh more to play the games) and whatever he chose for tea id cook-he picked cheese and onion pie?

he then went to bed and went straight to sleep at 10pm

i also got him a reward chat which we use with the students at school(special needs high school) its nothing to do with special needs though its just a basic reward chart numbered 1 to 50 in squares but to not make him feel left out i got all 3 of the older kids one and put their name on and laminated them. ive told them if they get 35 points in a week they can have a special treat although i havent decideed what that will be yet...any suggestions welcome but im not rich and probs will have to involve the baby some of the time if ross is working

maybe me absolutely losing the plot with him last night and dragging him home in front of his mates by the scruff of the neck and making him ask his father if he could go there gave him the short sharp shock he needs

im not counting my chickens but i am going to grab each positive day with both hands- have done nothing but praise him tonight hopefully it sinks in


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## v2007

:happydance:

Thats wonderful news. 

Sometimes a shock to the system is whats needed. 

V xxxx


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## Pixie71

Hey thats a good one. Keep it going
For treats as them what they would like in moderation and go with it....


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## louise1302

we have had a chat and rewards are as follows(there being 3 of them they cant be expensive lol) if they get 35 points out oif 50 for the week we will have a special dinner and dvd night with popcorn and stuff then if they manage that 4 weeks in a row we will have a day out somewhere ie cinema and bowling, swimming , theme park, zoo etc....doi you think thats ok


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## pinkmummy

I think that sounds really good hun :thumbup: good luck xx


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## louise1302

well the police finally came and took a statement from brad. Brandon also got the telling off of his life. turns out his face was known to the community policeofficer that came round as hed chased him for lighting fires on wasteground
fingers crossed he leaves the gang behind now


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## 24/7

Glad they came round, hopefully will scare him into following the new reward system xx


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## Pixie71

hopefully thats the jump start he needed. rewards sound good!


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## louise1302

great so now ive reported him to the police 3 times im getting a refferal to social services :( so if i was one of those mothers that didnt gove a shit and didnt call the police to try and straighten him out id be left alone go figure. im even more annoyed now.


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## TattiesMum

louise1302 said:


> great so now ive reported him to the police 3 times im getting a refferal to social services :( so if i was one of those mothers that didnt gove a shit and didnt call the police to try and straighten him out id be left alone go figure. im even more annoyed now.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I can't hug you enough Hon ... It's so frustrating isn't it? :nope:](*,)


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## louise1302

hopefully they are coming to help and not judge my parenting maybe they can offer some outside help. surely they must see i have 3 perfectly well behaved other children


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## TattiesMum

louise1302 said:


> hopefully they are coming to help and not judge my parenting maybe they can offer some outside help. surely they must see i have 3 perfectly well behaved other children

I hope so Louise, but you know what they are like :( They are part of the problem imo .... it's so easy to blame us as parents, despite our other perfectly behaved children, than to actually help :shrug: especially as the kids have so many damn rights that there actually doesn't seem to be any way to make sure they behave :nope:

The world has gone mad Hon :hugs: :hugs:

Maybe I'm being un-necessarily pessimistic (I always prefer that to being disappointed if I look on the bright side LOL) .... Be firm with them - show them your other children - stay calm - insist that they come up with solutions that involve Brandon and try not to batter them around the head with any blunt instrument that comes to hand ;) :hugs:


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## hypnorm

use this to your advantage too, make him see the trouble he is causing.. also explain to him what the social services are and what they can do. that might also frighten hima bit.


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## Parkep

I have no advice Hun just wanted to give you a massive :hug:


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## Pixie71

Am sure they are only going to try and help, they will see that its outside influence and not you.
Hugs


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## louise1302

well i havent updated on his behaviour for a day or so , so here goes, hes been ..........lovely
not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but lots better. hes met me and his dad from school every night although im in work the rest of week so the test will be if he meets ross

hes been in bed by 9 30 and asleep by 10pm every night and suprise suprise he hasnt been in any trouble at school maybe because hes not tired or grumpy- have had a bit of answering back but totally expected from a 12 yr old i dont expect perfection ,shame the problem lies with ross now hes saying why should we give him special treatment of picking him up from school when we dont have to do it for the others :argh: maybe one day he will see the benefit of the effort 

still waiting for social services to contact me to come and speak about him, hes dreading it because he knows its because of his behaviour. a trying not to worry about it because i know the issue isnt child protection more his behaviour and what they can do to help.....i hope

so all in all a positive start to the week oh and the reward charts are working well tbh im trying to make sure they get the 'prize' this week to show em what they can get if that makes sense

sorry for the waffle haha


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## TattiesMum

I'm glad things are going well so far Hon :hugs: You sound much more relaxed :D

Lets hope that SS lay down the law to him and that his behaviour continues to improve ... keep us posted :hugs::hugs:


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## louise1302

well things still seem to be going ok hes not run off at all this week from school and still on track for a reward night .dreading the day i let him play out again though hope he doest go straight back to them


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## Pixie71

All sounds better, he might not run back to them, may have copped on!!!!!


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