# Time to share our story - Ethan and Hayden - LONG.



## Nikki_d72

Right, it's time I did this. Most of you know my details but I've never posted the whole story here and it's time I did. I originally posted about my loss in the Home and Natural Birthing section as that's where I'd been hanging out - I was planning a home VBAC but wasn't sure I was carrying twins (I had a gut feeling but hadn't had it confirmed as I declined the 12week scan as I didn't want the nuchal test as i knew with my age the numbers would likely be high and I'd be recommended amnio, which I didn't want at the time as there was a small risk of membrane rupture, how ironic.), I wouldn't have attempted homebirth with twins. 

Anyway since posting this the world has kept turning for all the other Homebirthers and Hopefuls, I got lots of nice messages at the time but you know how it is, nobody has messaged me or anything since. I'm glad I found you ladies though, I think at the time I hadn't accepted that I now belonged in the loss section, you know? Anyway, here's what I wrote the night after having our boys - I felt compelled to write it at the time but I could hardly see the screen doing it: 

(We hadn't named them yet when I wrote this - twin 1 is Ethan and twin 2 is Hayden. Ethan's name kept popping into my head while I was in hospital that last day, in labour [though I was denying it to myself] and the same thing happened with my 1st DD, her name popped into my head in labour and wasn't on my "list". I recently found my baby names book that I used while trying to find names for our first, 9 years ago, I hadnt seen it since as was packed away at MIL's place and Ethan was marked as a possible, I don't even remember doing it. With our DD, when I said the name in the car on the way to the hospital, to DH he just said yip. It was the first name we'd agreed on completely. This time he said the name to me and I told him it had been in my head all day in the hospital, but I was trying to remember the registrar's name who met us first as it was something beginning with E and I hated him, he was horrid! Luckily his name wasn't Ethan so I knew it was my baby telling me his name. It was then hard to decide which one it was but we thought as twin 1 was the one who came first and had to struggle on for 6 days with no fluid it must have been him. Ethan means Strong and Impetuous so that seemed to fit his situation as well. Hayden means Heather covered hill so was a wee nod to my homelnd and we both liked it so that was how they came by their names.)

Right, here it is, anything I've added retrospectively now is in []:

Unfortunately my waters broke on sunday night [31/07/11], at nearly 19 weeks. We live very rural, so had to travel an hour to meet my midwife at the birth centre, as per the instructions of the main hospital, in very bad icy weather (we never thought this would be a problem as we were due in December - summer here in NZ). We were allowed to stay the night there, with our DD, luckily there were no women giving birth there that night. [I spent the whole night staring at the lovely white bassinet next to the bed and crying.] An emergency scan was booked for the next morning, which revealed twins, with one right down at the bottom of the uterus, near the cervix. [This was so bittersweet, DD's face lit up when she saw it was two, so did DH's. It was so rotten to have to explain to her what was really going on, she crumpled.] Both still had great heartbeats but there was a peice of cord showing in the cervix so an emergency transfer was booked to the main hospital about 3hrs away. The roads were closed due to the snowstorms so they arranged a chopper, we got there in about 45mins once the helicopter came for us [about an hour after it was requested - it was a busy day for them] and amazingly they let DH and DD travel as well, they usually don't. [The guys were so good to DD, they put the headphones on her and linked them up to speak to her - they showed her all the sights as they went, it was a great distraction for her. Due to the snowstorm they had to fly really low over the trees and follow the river most of the way, it would have been spectacular if it had been for any other reason - I just spent most of it staring at the ceiling and praying silently to myself, with my bum propped up on a cushion to try to keep everything in.]

Anyway, by the time we got to the main hospital I was 3cm dilated and was told miscarriage was "an inevitability". [Sterile speculum exam by the brutal registrar with name beginning with E!] I lay in the labour suite for 2 and a half days willing my body to not go into labour [listening to other women give birth and praying I'd get to that stage but not yet], my bloods were coming back showing no infection so I was gaining hope. I was moved into antinatal and quizzed the Ob's on possible outcomes - eventually one [The one who I've now chosen for my care - he was the only one who left his ego at the door and seemed to have a heart and actually listen and take an interest. Luckily he's the only one who comes up here to do clinics so it was easy to swing it to see him.] gave me a peer review of all the available reasearch on midtrimester premature rupture of membranes which made for hard reading but the one peice of hope came if the leak sealed even partially and some further liquor was able to build up around the twin that had lost his (further scan revealed twin boys, probably identical, but impossible to confirm as I hadn't had the 12 weeks scan as I didn't want the nuchal test. They were sharing one bag, with a bag each within that [Monochorionic, Diamniotic. DD was rapt to be possibly getting 2 brothers, despite previously having stated that she wanted a girl, not a "rough boy", she said she didn't care, she wanted her rough boys!]). I hadn't leaked since but the original one was a massive gush, I was drinking water like a mad woman. Another scan was scheduled for monday to check liquor levels. The other peice of hope seemed to come from the statistic of ladies who went past a week with no infection, where the threat of infection dropped away significantly after that, so by Saturday with still no infection markers in my bloods I was starting to feel cautiously hopeful. I had been begging them to place a cerclage or use the uterine relaxant drugs to halt labour but they wouldn't as that would lock in any infection (which they said would be the most likely reason for my body to labour - to rid itself of infection) which could kill me, I eventually accepted that to be true, after much more quizzing, and had to consider my existing DD. We also discussed the options for trying to save twin 2, should the worse happen and they said they would cut the chord really short and stitch it and hope that my body would retain the second twin to at least 24wks, then there was more they could do to help maintain the pregnancy. [they just won't do anything until this stage, it's so frustrating]

I had a few painless twinges on saturday afternoon which scared me and I texted my own midwife, who asked if my bladder was full, and told me that a full bladder can trigger the uterus to contract (she knew I'd be drinking water like a crazy woman), so I went for a pee and they stopped. (every journey to the loo involved standing up, which I was scared to do, so was putting it off as long as possible every time.) By that night I was getting pains in my bum which I decided was twin 1 trying to turn himself and move out of where he was so low down, as I wasn't getting any tightenings on my tummy, so I decided to try to help him move up, and went into the open knee chest position that I knew could be used to disengage awkwardly positioned babies and rocked my hips and all the rest for hours. I could feel twin 2 dropped down lower near my pubic bone and thought he was having a harder time to get back to where he needed to be as his brother was lying in his way, so I was trying to jiggle him up with every pain surge. [I worry now that this caused them more suffering and that I should have just let them come, it haunts me.] I never admitted to myself that they were indeed contractions right up to the last minute, when I eventually called the midwife to ask if they could do a sterile speculum or a bedside scan to check (I wasn't going to allow any normal VE's to avoid possible infection and my MW had told them the same). They did a bedside scan and couldn't even see twin 1 as he was so low, but twin 2 still was visible and had a HB, though they didn't measure the rate, but it did look a bit slower to me than I had seen before. Anyway, they put an emergency line in my arm, took bloods and I asked them to call my DH (who was staying at his mum's with DD). By this point the pain had suddenly got on top of me (probably because I wasn't denying it any more) and they offered me G&A, then moved me through to delivery. 

Within minutes I could feel him moving down and he came before DH got there [Stupid MW wouldn't listen to me when I said he was coming now and said there was no flaring of the vagina - even I said there wouldn't be any flaring with such a tiny baby but she argued with me and said there would. My own MW has confirmed there wouldn't be, he was born within a couple of minutes. I could have done without that at the time, idiot.]. He had already passed by the time he came, which I was thankful for, as my biggest fear was my body pushing out a live baby and essentially killing it. They wrapped him and passed him up to me, he was so tiny, but perfect, my heart broke. They stitched the cord but told me the membranes of the second twin were bulging into the vagina already. DH arrived and we broke our hearts together, then my body started pushing out the second twin which is the most hideous thing I have ever felt, I fought it with every bone in my body but I could'nt stop it and twin 2 was born in the caul 15 mins after his brother with the placenta immediately following. I asked if he was alive when born and they said they weren't sure but they kept him down the bottom for a while so I wonder. He couldn't have survived long with the placenta out anyway and I was in so much pain and distress I didn't ask for him immediately [It was probably only a couple of minutes till I got him but it felt like for ever], I wish I did as he may have had more comfort on me. [DH has now told me he thinks he could see a HB at the time but didn't want to upset me, and I saw him move a tiny bit - probably him giving up his fight - but I didn't tell DH as I didn't want to upset him, I thought it was just residual movement at the time. I wish more than anything else I had stopped wailing and put him skin to skin on my chest to die peacefully before that. I now know that if they live for any time at all there is a legal difference and lots of paperwork to do for the hospital staff so I'm pretty sceptical.] The staff were very kind though, except for the interns I got when we first arrived [and the one idiot MW, the other was very good and kind. The idiot one proceeded to tell me that as they were 20 wks things were different and there was a lot of paperwork to do now, so she'd go and make a start. I felt like telling her so sorry my babies dying had put you out, but I couldn't be bothered] they were pretty brutal as they just seem to write you off. But after the event they were great and very sensitive. We're arranging a wee service today as we have to mark their short existence even though they never got to take a breath. [We had time with them in their tiny white coffin at the funeral director's rooms, we played a beautiful version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" that we downloaded (I saw two shooting starts a couple of days before i found out I was pregnant with them - one of the reasons I thought it was twins as I saw one before I found out I was carrying DD as well) and then walked them to the car that they were to travel to the crematorum in. It was so hard letting them go and seemed so wrong to see them in a box. We released two blue balloons for them - DD let one go and I the other but they stayed together right until they were just tiny specs. DH kept wanting to go as he wanted to think of them together and was terrified they would separate but I kept compulsively watching and they stayed together all the way, it was amazing.]

They said my markers for infection were high but that labour does elevate them and the membranes were very ragged so it was unlikely that any fluid had been able to regenerate around him and I probably had a subclinical infection - it wasn't detected in my blood until the last as it was probably not fully in my blood yet from twin 1 till then. They were confirmed as identical - we may have had more of a chance if they were fraternal, as they would have had their own full set of membranes and one wouldn't have dragged the other out with him. We had a 3 in 1,000 chance of conceiving identical twins (and we only BD once that month as DH had done his back in, so I reckon the odds were even higher than that, once you add in the odds of conceiving in the first place) and only a 0.7% of PPROM, it's been a nasty lesson in statistics, really. I feel stupid now for throwing so many about now in my defense of homebirth, though I still would support it, but it will never be for me now - I doubt we'll try again anyway. [We are now considering trying again but I seem to change my mind every other day - our reasons for wanting another haven't gone away and our DD desperately wants to be a sister, it's so heartbraking. I still wouldn't homebirth, not so far away from the base hospital now as I've no confidence in my body and know how tiny statistics can still happen. I don't know how I'll handle being back in that hospital again though - I doubt I could labour effectively being so full of fear and with such bad memories in there, so don't know what to do, but I'm jumping the gun, I may not even get pregnant again, I'm 39.]

Anyway, that's my hideous story, I'm so sorry if it upsets anyone, that's the last thing I want but I didn't want to dissapear off of here and not tell you why as you have all been so great [Homebirthers and Hopefuls thread]. The greatest irony is that I was sectioned as I couldn't push my baby out last time when I wanted to and this time when I didn't want to my body did it anyway, I feel so betrayed by myself. I didn't want to post this on the loss section as I don't know anyone there [So glad I do now!] and you ladies are the ones I've been getting to know but again I'm sorry if this doesn't really belong here and feel free to get it moved if need be. 

Thanks for reading, sorry it was so long but I needed to get it all straight.

Nikki xxx

ETA: I just realised that I hadn't shared the good bits, only the awful loss and that's not the full story. I need to honour my boys with the rest, sorry this is such a long one.

We had been NTNP for probably about 3 years, though admittedly there hadn't been a whole lotta action, as we were frantically renovating our house in Scotland to try to sell it, to get the money to return to NZ. We finally got back here in March 2010 and then set about buying land and arranging to relocate an old house onto it, so we could do it up. Anyway, all the consents, plumbing, wiring etc took for ever and we finally moved in on the 6th March 2011 with the house only really barely habitable! 

I had been tracking cycles since January, just with body signs, CM etc, learned from the TTC pages here. We saw 2 shooting stars within about a week of moving in here and I hoped it meant that we were going to finally have another baby (we saw one just before we found out about DD), and seeing two I dared to hope for twins. I've been told by quite a few fortune-tellers that I would have twins, so it was in my head. Anyway, DH did his back in quite badly, then just as it was coming right, he put his foot through some rotten boards in the house and ripped all his leg and put his back out again. Not looking too hopeful. Anyway I somehow managed to get one BD out of him, right on what I though was OV day (poor guy, so used). I thought we wouldn't have a hope in hell of conceiving with that but would see. 

I had some wierd symptoms but was fully symptom-spotting by then so thought they were all in my head. DD's assembly for Easter was on and there was a woman sitting behind me who had been drinking coffee and I had to cover my face with my shirt as I was starting to gag, this started me hoping. I was due AF on the 12th April so I tested and got the faintest of lines, showed DH but he was a bit sceptical as it was so faint, but he could see it. I did another the next day, and then the next and it got gradually darker - though never really dark, so I thought it couldn't be twins.They were definite BFP's though so we were over the moon. It seemed so right that I'd gotten pregnant immediately on moving into our "forever" house here in NZ, I was so sure it was meant to be. 

Anyway, I went to see a MW and started thinking about the birth. My first had been a hospital birth and was quite a negative experience, ending with a C-Section. I desperately didn't want to have another section if at all possible so got my records from the first birth and discussed VBAC. I was given the OK for that but the MW I was seeing wouldn't support me outside hospital and I had started to read about stalled labours etc due to fear so decided I wanted to homebirth and found another MW who would support me. I spent hours on the net reading about natural birth etc and lots of time on the home and natural birth section here on B&B. 

From about 6 weeks onward I started to get seriously sick and nauseous all day long and unbelievably, ridiculously tired. I never had any of this with my DD so though it must be a boy, as it was so different. As it got quite extreme I did allow myself to wonder if it were two. I got very big by about 12 weeks as well so lots of people were commenting that it must be twins, but I'm very short and lots of folk said that when I was carrying DD as well so I dismissed it. I was getting a strong feeling it was though, but didn't say to it many folk as I would feel silly if I was wrong.

I was working in the restaurant and my boss had gone for a hip operation, so I was doing some extra shifts to cover for him so I was pretty exhausted and the smell of some of the food was hard to handle! I had to change beer kegs etc as part of my job so I'd had to tell my work very soon - at about 8 weeks I think and ended up just telling everyone, we were so excited. I figured all that superstition was daft.

By about 14weeks I was finally feeling better and was able to start to really enjoy my pregnancy. My boss came back so I was able to drop the extra shifts and have more time with DD & DH and I was really huge for my gestation. I kept asking the MW to check both sides with the doppler but she could never get 2 HB's. I could definitely often feel movements at both sides of my uterus though and I thought either I was carrying twins or the tallest baby in the world, that it could reach that far! I was really looking forward to my 20wk scan, which was booked for Tuesday 26th July. My waters broke suddenly on Sun 24th July. it was the biggest shock of my life. Then the bad bit started. I will always regret not going for the 12wk scan, because I never got to celebrate carrying my twin boys until they were already in trouble - I never got to tell people with a grin "it's twins". I also wonder that If I'd known for sure they were there if I'd have educated myself on the risks and signs of early dilation etc and they may still be there, i may have picked up the slight signs I had. Maybe cervical changes would hve been picked up sooner and we could have had a cerclage fitted and saved them. I'll have to live with that decision forever. I made it with the health of my baby(ies) in my mind at the time but that doesn't make it any easier.

Right, now this really is a book. Sorry but I felt it was wrong to miss this out.


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## Andypanda6570

WOW :cry::cry::cry::cry: You are SO brave for posting all of that :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I can't imagine loosing two :cry::cry: I am so sorry .. You have been through so much I am so glad you told all this and what you have been through. It is such a hard road to travel and it is even harder when nobody understand us :cry::cry: Do you think you will ever try again? I know for me it has taken 7 months, I don't know why but I was just terrified for so long, I don't think I could ever go through this again , ever.:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am here for you if you ever need me, thanks for being such a nice person and always answering posts. I wish you the best with whatever you decide fir the future..

All My Love xoxoxooxoxox :hugs: XOXO :hugs: xoxoxoxoxoxoox


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## Nikki_d72

Thanks hon. In some ways it's worse losing two, as I know I'll never be a twin Mum now and they would have been so special, they seemed so meant, as it meant we could have a kind of "instant" family, you know? especially at my age. But in some ways it gives some strange comfort to know that they are together. At the time I was really hoping that Hayden would survive aftyer Ethan came but I'm kind of glad they are together now, it would have been wrong for one to be left on his own, I think. Losing your baby or losing two babies - it's bloody awful for all of us, I don't think it being two makes much difference really. Thanks for replying and thanks for reading all that! I still can't make up my mind about TTC, I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW, but will be terrified as well, and hate that my DD has been touched by such grief at her tender age and would hate for her to go though it again. But my desire for a sibling for her is greater than the fear i think. I also worry about how she will be when she's old enough to have babies, if there is no happy ending for us - she's already said she never wants to have any (despite the fact that she's daft about babies and coo's over any we see), so that worries me and gives me another reason to try. it's just so scary as pPROM can and does recur. 

xxx


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## readynwilling

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: i am so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Thanks readynwilling. What brought you to the second tri loss section?


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## daisy4871

My goodness...your story is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Sending you and your family :hugs:


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## Hellylou

Oh, what a touching and heartbreaking story, Nikki. My eyes are full of tears reading it. There are so many details in there that I can relate to as well, so it affected me deeply. Losing two like that...I simply cannot imagine.

I'm so glad you were able to share it here. When a pregnancy is failing but the babies are still alive and well in there, it is simply awful. I remember the scan, watching my baby kicking around in the last of the waters that were gushing from my body. I had infection already, and there was no hope. It is a terrible experience, and although the days get easier, it is as if you will never be quite the same person again.

I hope the decision about TTC gets easier as time goes on. There are no easy answers or guarantees, but if you spend these months getting yourself as physically and mentally fit as possible in order to give yourself the best possible chance of success if and when you do decide to try again, it is at least something positive to be working on in the meantime.

Thinking of you :hugs:


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## mhazzab

Oh Nikki...thanks for being brave enough to share that with us.

I'm sitting here in tears...so much of what you wrote could have been written by me. The memories of what happened in the 48 hours I was in the hospital still haunt me.

Everything you say about what it felt like to be a twin mum, and then losing that - exactly how I feel. 

I'm glad you decided to join us in here, xxx


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## Nikki_d72

Thanks ladies, I'm sorry if I brought back raw memories for you, I just felt that I'd never told you all my full story and you deserved to know, so you could make sense of my rambles. I'm so glad I met you all but I'm so sad at why we've met. Thanks all for being here for me, I often feel so lonely in RL on this awful journey. I've just finished work and have been surrounded by people but felt so alone. all I could think of driving home was logging in to catch up with you all. Thanks again xxx


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## collie_crazy

Oh Nikki :hugs: I am so sorry you had to go through all that but glad that you felt able to share your story with us here :hugs: 

Ethan and Hayden are beautiful names -- we were similar to you in that we had discussed names from the moment we found out we were pregnant but could never agree on one. But when the time came 'Emily' just came to us and seemed to suit her straight away. So I think you're right, our babies did tell us their own names.

Its so unfair that any of us had to even venture into 2nd Tri Losses but the kindness and love in here is second to none and it does help if even only a little to know that there are others going through similar things that can let you know that you're not alone :hugs:

I hope that you do get your rainbow one day, if that is what you decide is right for your family :hugs:


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## yazoo

Nikki, thank your for sharing Ethan and Hayden's story with us. You are very brave. Floaty kisses to your beautiful wee angels.


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## winterwonder

Thank you for telling Ethan and Haydens story, I am so sorry for your loss, and hope that are able to reach a decision about TTC! big hugs xx


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## mhazzab

Nikki_d72 said:


> Thanks ladies, I'm sorry if I brought back raw memories for you, I just felt that I'd never told you all my full story and you deserved to know, so you could make sense of my rambles. I'm so glad I met you all but I'm so sad at why we've met. Thanks all for being here for me, I often feel so lonely in RL on this awful journey. I've just finished work and have been surrounded by people but felt so alone. all I could think of driving home was logging in to catch up with you all. Thanks again xxx

I'm so grateful for all of you too, and Nikki, like you, all I can think of sometimes is coming on here to see how everyone is. 

Your story brought back some bad memories for me but also some good ones, you have inspired me to write Eve and Megan's story, which I will do tomorrow, so thank you, and floaty hugs to Ethan and Hayden xx


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## KamIAm

You are remarkable :flower: Thank you so much for sharing your story and your boys with us... 

:hugs: 

Xoxo


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## Sarah27

Thanks for sharing your story Nikki :) And such a sad but warm welcome here! 
You are soo early in your journey so take it easy on yourself and I soo know where you are coming from with wanting to be pg again straight away. Its hard but one day at time will get you through! And you are a twin mummy even tho they are angel twins xxx


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## KamIAm

I have found myself logging in here through out my day, checking in with everybody, just seeing how y'all are ...:flower:

You girls mean a lot to me!!!!:hugs:


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## SarahJane

Thanks so much for sharing your boys with us Nikki. I am so sorry :cry:

Never ever forgotten babe xxx

Big hugs :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

I've just realised that I've only shared the bad bits with you - only written about the loss, and not the joy of discovering I was pregnant and that's not fully honouring them, so I need to go back and edit it to add more. I know it's a book already so i don't expect you all to read MORE, but I feel I need to do it to fully honour them.


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## mhazzab

Nikki_d72 said:


> I've just realised that I've only shared the bad bits with you - only written about the loss, and not the joy of discovering I was pregnant and that's not fully honouring them, so I need to go back and edit it to add more. I know it's a book already so i don't expect you all to read MORE, but I feel I need to do it to fully honour them.

that's a great idea, looking forward to reading it xxx :hugs:


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## Cassie10

Wow... thank you for sharing your story of Ethan and Hayden. I can't begin to imagine what you went through and I hope you know how strong you truly are! :hugs:


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## DueSeptember

*Awwwwwwww  *


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## mhazzab

Nikki,

I've just seen the bit you added about becoming pregnant, thank you so much for sharing, it's nice to hear the whole story. 

Don't feel guilty that you could have done more, if you'd known for sure it was twins. You did what was right for you. That's one of the worst things about being in this situation, all the what ifs, they drive me nuts.

what you said about the shooting stars is lovely, I hope you see one again soon ;)

hugs, and thanks again for sharing xxxx:hugs:


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