# Do your ex's bother with the kids?



## RaspberryK

Mines being a dick head and has got a new girlfriend which apparently means his weekends aren't free to see the children! 

So what are your arrangements and do they stick to them? 

Xx


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## ClairAye

My children's father hasn't seen them in almost 10 months. He got a new girlfriend about a week after we split up and so was never consistant because he always put her before his children. They moved away together in March after he hadn't been in touch for 5 months so... :shrug: I gave my ex way to many chances and I got everything thrown back in my face :growlmad:

I'm sorry your ex is being a dick :hugs:


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## RaspberryK

Sounds similar then, we were together 11 years and less than 3 months since we split he's found someone else despite 2 weeks ago maintaining that he loves me still and wanted to see if chances of reconciliation were still zero. 
He's had so many chances too. 
I got so mad that he's put his children second place but I'm worried it's coming across as jealousy rather than the actual reason which is him not prioritising the children. 
I actually feel sorry for this woman, she has no idea what she's getting herself into. 
Xx


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## ClairAye

I still worry I look jealous, but I'm definitely not, fact is I really hate him for everything he did to me and our children. My ex was also spouting bullshit about how much he cared about me and how he wanted to be in our lives... Whilst he was living with his girlfriend. Also about 10 days before we split up he was talking about moving back in to be a family etc! (we split a few months previous and I moved out with the kids, but we basically got right back together, stupidly.) He gave up trying after I told him I didn't want a personal relationship with him though, in fact, it's the last thing I told him before he stopped contacting me!

Having your children put in second place is such a sickening feeling. So many times he said he'd come see them but he was posting on Facebook about what him and his girlfriend were up to and it hurts knowing that they can put someone they hardly know before their own flesh and blood. :hugs:


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## modified

Nope. He's not seen her. Not even a photo.


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## RaspberryK

He just gets worse, he called ds from hers tonight and gets ds to talk to her dd on the phone - err that's so not appropriate. 
So he couldn't possibly make time for ds but he was there playing happy families with someone he's known 2 weeks. 
Wonder how she'd feel if it was her and her children too, I'd not get involved with a man had I witnessed that. 
Xx


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## ClairAye

What!? That is not on! How can either of them think that is okay? I'm shocked my ex's relationship is still going, he doesn't pay for them and moved about 300 miles away from his kids... How can someone stand to be with a person like that? I could never get involved with a bad dad! Bad dads are bad people IMO!


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## RaspberryK

Hi modified I remember you from when I was pregnant and mmc before dd, nice wrap! My god your baby daddy worse than mine hun. 

Agred Clair.

xx


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## pandacub

Jacobs dad sees him once a month, but he's not in his life in any way that really matters. He also got a gf a week after we split :/ fortunately I get on with her, but he is bloody lucky I've allowed things to remain amicable.


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## MilitaryMummy

Me and my dd's dad split when she was 6/7 months old. he saw her every week. Then he didn't show for about 9 months and decided to take me to court in this time for more access and overnight (which obviously he didn't get). Since then he has her every other Sunday and isn't even consistent with that. 

Which makes matters worse he cheated on me to be with his cousin... yes folks you read that right, and her 3 children (none are his). One of which is a 6 year old daughter (a year older than our dd) who he buys everything for.

last week was our daughters birthday. He had her the Sunday before her birthday and didn't even get her a card. He now wont see her again till next week. He sent no message for her birthday or anything.

DD has now got to the point that she is not overly bothered. She doesn't mention him at all. My new partner has been in DD's life since she was 16 months. She has decided to call him dad and always talks about him. 

Sometimes there is only so much you can do to help these men be good dads. In the end as long as you can say with a clear conscience to your children that you done the best for them, let the dads ruin everything on there own.

Hope your ok xxxxxxxxx


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## RaspberryK

Sorry to hear about your ex's being crap Fathers too, let the dad ruin iton their own is my motto now too. 
Xx


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## Ceejay123

I'm so sorry to hear about his inconsistency. :( x


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## baileybubs

I could have written half of these as well. My ex and I split a month after I had my son, but to be honest I should have kicked him out way before. 2 days after we split he was dating an 18 year old he worked with (he's 28 and I'm 32). He started seeing his kids once a week for a couple of hours initially but only when it was convienient, he then wanted me to take them to him all the time, provide nappies and formula etc yet gave me no money for support. It's been 5 months now since he's seen them, he sent ds a present with his mum (kids grandma) on his birthday and my dds pressie too which was 3 months late!! He tried inviting himself to my sons birthday party at my house when he hasn't seen the kids for 5 months and I refused, said he could come up any other time but didn't want his party ruined by this stranger who my son doesn't know, he apparently took that to mean I have said he can't see the kids. 
He also was begging for pictures of the kids (usually with a response from me of "why don't you come and see them then you can take your own pictures"). He's been using the pics I've sent to post on Facebook so that everyone thinks he's a great dad. Meanwhile I'm being made out to be th bad guy when he can't even be arsed to come and see them or give any child support! Too busy with his 18 year old gf (who is amazingly still with him almost a year later!).


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## RaspberryK

What a dick! Xx


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## ClairAye

baileybubs said:


> I could have written half of these as well. My ex and I split a month after I had my son, but to be honest I should have kicked him out way before. 2 days after we split he was dating an 18 year old he worked with (he's 28 and I'm 32). He started seeing his kids once a week for a couple of hours initially but only when it was convienient, he then wanted me to take them to him all the time, provide nappies and formula etc yet gave me no money for support. It's been 5 months now since he's seen them, he sent ds a present with his mum (kids grandma) on his birthday and my dds pressie too which was 3 months late!! He tried inviting himself to my sons birthday party at my house when he hasn't seen the kids for 5 months and I refused, said he could come up any other time but didn't want his party ruined by this stranger who my son doesn't know, *he apparently took that to mean I have said he can't see the kids. *
> He also was begging for pictures of the kids (usually with a response from me of "why don't you come and see them then you can take your own pictures"). He's been using the pics I've sent to post on Facebook so that everyone thinks he's a great dad. Meanwhile I'm being made out to be th bad guy when he can't even be arsed to come and see them or give any child support! Too busy with his 18 year old gf (who is amazingly still with him almost a year later!).

Sounds so like my ex. I told him I didn't want a personal relationship with him and he took that as 'I'm not letting you see your kids' ... What the? He also kept photos of the kids up as his cover photo for a while but has now removed it. I don't think anyone would believe the drivel he comes out with about him wanting to be a dad as he moved 300 miles away! These 'men'! Dickwads.


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## baileybubs

I'd like to think people don't believe my ex but his family don't seem to give a monkeys so they must partly believe him. Although I get the distrinct feeling his dad believes less than his mum coz his dad always gives me money when he sees me out of sight of his mum, he knows his son isn't helping so wants to help where he can. His mum was willing to bring him to my sons birthday party last week without even asking me if it was ok that they brought him! They may be his kids too but he hasn't seen them for 5 months and this is my house so I thought it was really rude of her to just tell him he could come with them! That was the only reason he was going to come though, coz someone was going to give him a lift here, when i suggested coming up earlier in the day (before my family arrived!) on the train he magically didn't answer and didn't show up. Pure laziness and selfishness, but then I don't know what he tells people. I'm sure he's telling anyone who'll listen that I don't let him see them. He had the cheek the day after Father's Day to send me a message saying "happy Father's Day, oh wait that was yesterday wasn't it?", apparently he was upset I hadn't sent him a Father's Day card from the kids!!


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## Kate&Lucas

Mine does, luckily. We have a loose arrangement in which he has Lucas overnight on Fridays and one evening through the week when he's free. It changes during the school holidays and is just sort of on a week-to-week basis. This week for example he's having him over Thurs-Sat because he's off work then. He's pays maintenance through CSA.
It used to be a lot better, we had a good co-parenting relationship in general and would take Lucas on days out or FOB would stay for tea now and then, and we'd keep in touch by text through the week. He got a new gf about a year ago though (who for unknown reasons seems to despise me), and it's been a lot less easy going since then. Still, I really can't complain.


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## teal

My ex has never met my son. Not my choice. I tried and that's all I could do. His loss because my son is wonderful xx


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## RaspberryK

Oh teal :-( ! 

Kate I'm thinking thar this girlfriend is going to spoil the coparwnting thing we had going on and it's going to make me look like the bitter ex if I make a fuss. 

Xx


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## modified

teal said:


> My ex has never met my son. Not my choice. I tried and that's all I could do. His loss because my son is wonderful xx

Ditto. I've asked him numerous times if he wants to meet her. Told him not to reply straight away, to take some time and think. "I don't need any time - I don't want to." :shrug:


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## RaspberryK

modified said:


> teal said:
> 
> 
> My ex has never met my son. Not my choice. I tried and that's all I could do. His loss because my son is wonderful xx
> 
> Ditto. I've asked him numerous times if he wants to meet her. Told him not to reply straight away, to take some time and think. "I don't need any time - I don't want to." :shrug:Click to expand...

How do they sleep at night? ! Xx


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## kosh

:hugs: to all of you 
I'm not single but my relationship is very shaky at the moment and I am very concerned re what will happen :nope:
can I ask you ladies - how do your children cope with their dads not being there?


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## ClairAye

kosh said:


> :hugs: to all of you
> I'm not single but my relationship is very shaky at the moment and I am very concerned re what will happen :nope:
> can I ask you ladies - how do your children cope with their dads not being there?

I'm sorry you are having troubles :hugs:

My daughter knows no different, we haven't lived with their dad since she was 2 or 3 weeks old and she hasn't seen him since she was 9 months old, even before he walked out he hardly held her or payed attention to her. My son wasn't quite 2.5 and was really upset at the start, he got up one night at 3am and sat at the top of the stairs crying his eyes out and shouting for his dad. It slowly got better and now he doesn't recognize him. If he sees photos of himself and his dad in his baby book or something (not that he has in a while) he sometimes says 'dad' but I think he just knows the figure of a dad? There is a photo of him in my parent's sitting room (as it's a photo of my dad on parade with my ex in the background) and DS, when asks, just says it's a man.

Now he tells me he doesn't want a dad, just mum :haha: It was really hard to begin with but it has gotten better. I just don't know how it will be in the future.

P.S - My ex has been absent for 10 months, so I guess it's easier for my kids not having a dad at all, compared to having a dad who pops in and out whenever he likes.


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## modified

ClairAye said:


> P.S - My ex has been absent for 10 months, so I guess it's easier for my kids not having a dad at all, compared to having a dad who pops in and out whenever he likes.

This is what I told my husband the last time I asked him if he wanted to meet her - if he says no, I will not ask again and he must mean it. He can't come waltzing into her life a year, 2, 3, 4 years down the line and expect that to be okay. I will be fully honest with my daughter about her dad but I won't have him coming in and turning her world upside down.

My heart breaks for her. I didn't meet my dad until I was 19. I grew up so sad about the fact, despite knowing what a horrible man my father was/is, and was consumed with shame and despair about what was so wrong with me that my own father couldn't love me. My heart _breaks_.


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## RaspberryK

DS is coping pretty well really, he did wet the bed when dh left for a bit and sometimes he has a meltdown about wanting daddy but mostly just when he's tired. 
It'd help if we had set days and times he saw him imo. 
Xx


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## baileybubs

My ds was too young to know any different as he was only a few weeks old. My dd barely noticed as well though to be honest, she was 18 months old when he left and was 21 months old the last time she saw him. She never said dadda so never learnt to ask for him so I don't really know if she notices but she certainly doesn't miss him. My own dad is a big part of her life and my new BF sees her every weekend who she calls by his name, he is like a father to my kids now so perhaps it might be more noticeable to them if there was no prmoninent male figures in their lives.

I think kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for.

But I agree with other pp's that I will not have him in and out of their lives. If he decides he wants to make an effort then he has to be consistent or not at all. But to be honest it's not looking likely that he'll want to see them any time soon anyway coz he hasn't bothered asking for months now. 

Modified I'm sorry for how bad you are feeling about it, I know I worry about my kids thinking they weren't good enough for their father but we know that's not the case. And it wasn't for you and your father. These men just cannot be responsible adults and cannot think for one second about how their actions affect their children.


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## modified

Oh, I definitely don't feel that way now! I haven't for a long time. Especially after finally meeting him and it being finalised that my mum was honest and he is not a nice person. It was when I was younger, pre-teen to mid-teens I'd say.


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## babyv13

my DD was 10 months when i split with FOB and he has her mon-thurs and i have her thurs-mon (so pretty much half and half). i'm really glad he sees her so much. he doesn't have a new partner yet that i know of but i don't think that will affect how much he sees DD. 

HOWEVER. he also has an almost 5 year old daughter that he has never met, he's never been interested in meeting her and has never even called her by her name :( it's awful. the juxtaposition between how he is with that DD and our DD is crazy. i tried to push contact with him and his daughter at first, i thought he was horrible for not being interested but i couldn't force him to do it. i thought that after our DD was born he would feel differently and want to meet his other daughter, i asked him 'does it not make you think about her?' and he said 'no, it makes me think of her even less now that i have a real daughter' :wacko: i am actually so ashamed every day that i was with someone like that, especially reading a few of the comments here where people have said they don't understand how women can be with men who leave their children - i was one of those women and i don't understand why and i hate myself for it! :( writing it down makes it even worse! 

this was one of the many reasons i didn't want to be with him to be honest, but i'm not sure why it took so long for me to realise it and do something about it :( i'm sure your FOBs' (clairaye, raspberry k, baileybubs, not sure who else!) new partners will realise eventually. it's difficult to have any respect for someone who does things like that.


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## modified

That's horrendous!! What a disgusting man! How that poor girl will feel in the future :nope:


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## baileybubs

Oh my gosh it makes me wonder how they process things, how is his other daughter not a real daughter? How awful! But that's how I worry my ex will feel towards my kids if (more like when) he has more. 

And babyv you aren't the only one, it's hard to see it when you are in a relationship and love someone. I've done it too. My ex husband had a son he didn't see when we met. He isn't the father of my kids but I speak to the girl he dated after we divorced (we have a unique bond in that we know what each other went through so strangely we are good friends) and she had twins to him, he never saw them ever. He then remarried and had 2 more kids, I then found out he got someone pregnant when we were married (taking the total up to 6 kids) and is now divorced from the second wife. I saw him recently and he was telling me how he'd walk over coals to see his girl and boy (from the previous marriage) but no mention of the twins or the son he had before he even met me (and apparently he denies even having the other boy with his one night stand when we were married). There are some awful people in the world!


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## RaspberryK

Shocking behaviour from all! 
Well he said he'd sort out properly the days and times to have ds and he said but his gf has arranged all weekend every weekend to be with him now so it's difficult. I've said that's tough, it isn't good enough so he needs to spend a day every weekend with ds in particular if he can't do the whole weekend every other week. 
The cheek of them! 
Xx


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## ClairAye

Really!? His children come before his girlfriend. Shocking behavior.


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## baileybubs

It is awful raspberry, my ex does the same and it used to annoy me but I just ignore it all now. People keep telling me that he'll be the one who regrets it later on. I'm not sure if that's true but I have received the odd drunk message from him telling me he's sorry he's been a rubbish father and he'll try harder etc. He never does then try harder but somewhere deep down he knows he's doing wrong.


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## RaspberryK

He was supposed to speak with her to arrange seeing her around the kids and either he didn't bother or she talked him into seeing her all weekend anyway. And she's a mum of a 3/4 year old too ... it's hard to believe that she'd be like this but from what I can tell she does little of the childcare anyway. 
Xx


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## mzhwd

Wow. I'm currently expecting and my husband whom I've been estranged from since finding out I was pregnant 3 months ago, says he wants to be apart of the kids life, but no longer married to me. I'm completely heart broken and blindsided by all of this. We're still pretty young both of us are 27 years old and this is our first child. I wish we could work it out, but honestly any man who leaves his pregnant wife idk if I can be with. I'm so lost in what to do and sad that this situation has me contemplating abortion.


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## RaspberryK

I'm sorry you're going through that xx


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## mzhwd

Thanks RaspberryK. Hopefully it'll get better.




RaspberryK said:


> I'm sorry you're going through that xx


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## RaspberryK

It will xx


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## tallybee

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

What a bunch of horrible losers. I am so sorry to read that you ladies and your lovely LOs are being treated so badly by these so called men! It makes me so angry.

My daughter is 9 and her so called father has not seen her since 2010. He made a horrible mess of things, with let downs and lies and no shows leading to no contact till he would get in touch making demands and being vile. I eventually told him no more. He has popped up a few times since making threats and trying to intimidate me but DD remembers and doesn't want to see him anyway.

On a positive note we met up with some of DD's half siblings, the other mum brought them to Scotland for a visit and it was fab. Just goes to show we don't need that arsehole to do right by our kids x


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## baileybubs

That's so true tallyb, my kids are perfectly happy without their useless father around. I have a feeling my ex will be very much like yours, my two are only little and it's already been 6 months since he saw them. He's got in contact this week saying he can't bare not seeing them any more and tried telling me he wanted them Wednesday and Thursday this week, well I work and they are in nursery so I said no, he has to have them on a day I'm not working, so if he lets us down (which I have no doubt he will) then at least I won't have to call in sick for work. So he's said he can't make it any other day but I'm not rearranging to suit him coz I gave him chance to choose his day months ago and he kept cancelling and I had no choice but to put them in nursery. 

How do you guys cope if and when your exes try to see them? Do you let them choose when? He makes me feel like the bad guy and like I'm stopping him seeing them but I feel that he can't just come along after 6 months of not bothering and decide he wants to see them on a day they go to nursery.


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## tallybee

baileybubs said:


> That's so true tallyb, my kids are perfectly happy without their useless father around. I have a feeling my ex will be very much like yours, my two are only little and it's already been 6 months since he saw them. He's got in contact this week saying he can't bare not seeing them any more and tried telling me he wanted them Wednesday and Thursday this week, well I work and they are in nursery so I said no, he has to have them on a day I'm not working, so if he lets us down (which I have no doubt he will) then at least I won't have to call in sick for work. So he's said he can't make it any other day but I'm not rearranging to suit him coz I gave him chance to choose his day months ago and he kept cancelling and I had no choice but to put them in nursery.
> 
> How do you guys cope if and when your exes try to see them? Do you let them choose when? He makes me feel like the bad guy and like I'm stopping him seeing them but I feel that he can't just come along after 6 months of not bothering and decide he wants to see them on a day they go to nursery.

Don't let him make you feel like the bad guy, I have seen your threads and it seems to me you have been more than reasonable. Your ex sounds like he just wants to call the shots and only bother when it suits him, which makes him a flake at absolute best (I'm sure we can all think of more colourful words :lol:)

If he wants to see them he will speak to you in an adult conversation and sort out a mutually suitable day/time. Why do they have to make it so hard :lol: it's that simple. 

The only way to deal with it is to keep your cool (easier said than done of course) and stick to facts. They always try to raise the emotion so we react (mine does anyway) and then they point the finger at us for being hysterical/unreasonable/etc. And keep a journal/log of every piece of contact, every call, text, email, visit, missed visit, etc etc. If anything it helps you keep sane in the knowledge that you DID try and WERE reasonable (also if you need the legal route it will be invaluable)

x


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## baileybubs

Thanks Hun, it is true they do try to raise the emotions. Last night he spoke to me on the phone (he never phones or answers my calls so I haven't actually spoke to him for 6 months it's all been facebook messages!) and he tried laying on the guilt by saying he cries coz he hasn't seen them and he's always saying to his girlfriend that he needs to put money aside for the kids etc. But actions speak louder than words don't they? I've never said he can't see them at all, in fact up until 4-5 months ago I was virtually begging him to come and see them! I just want him to be reasonable and realise I can't take them out of nursery to suit him, he had a chance to have them one day a week on a day of his choosing but he didn't come and let us down so now he has to do it on a day I don't work. He also wants to just take them with him to his new flat when he hasn't even seen them for 6 months and he made me feel bad about that too, but he keeps saying "I want to have them at my flat" "I want to see them on my days off"......key phrase there being "I want" and he doesn't get that it's not about what he wants or what I want, coz I'd love extra time to get to the gym etc if he looked after the kids, but it's about them not us. He just doesn't get it. 

I've kept all Facebook messages he's sent in the past where he's cancelled seeing them and let them down, and all our discussions of him seeing them.

Oh but this will make you laugh, he seems to think he'll get a loan shortly (not a chance with his gambling and credit history) but he tells me he's going to give me £800 for the kids and another £200 for me for all the sh*t he's caused apparently. I'll catch the flying pigs on that day I think!


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## tallybee

What a prat xx


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## Natsku

Maria's dad is a walking contradiction. He is taking me to court for visitation rights yet he doesn't even bother to turn up to her hospital appointment. He calls the social workers complaining I'm stopping him from seeing her (he's welcome to see her supervised) but hasn't called her in two weeks, I've called pretty much every day and he's answered a couple of times but that's it.


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## tallybee

I don't know how these guys sleep at night I really don't :-(


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## RaspberryK

tallybee said:


> I don't know how these guys sleep at night I really don't :-(

This is exactly how I feel. 

Things have been a bit better for us, still the odd day when we've been let down but it's mainly work which is a more valid reason in my opinion. 

Xx


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## PrincessTaz

I am so so sorry you're all going through this and sorry for your children. 

My mum was a single parent to me and my dad didn't end up being in my life until I was 16 but although it was hard at times for my mum and me I can honestly say now we have the most amazing relationship and I'm so thankful for my mum. She made sure I never missed out and was always there to be mum.and dad when needed. It really is their loss and although now me and my dad have a good relationship she has to live with the fact he missed out in so much which I know plays on his mind.

You're all doing a fantastic job!


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## baileybubs

Thanks princess taz xxx


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## WhisperOfHope

Lena's dad still sees her but you ask her what she has done with him or will be doing with him and its always the same reply "mcdonalds":dohh:


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## ClairAye

Raspberry K, I am so glad things have gotten a bit better for you! :)


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## newmummy1234

My ex has nothing to do with my lo but that's how I want it. He's a jerk and I don't want my lo subjecting to that. :(


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## ClairAye

newmummy1234 said:


> My ex has nothing to do with my lo but that's how I want it. He's a jerk and I don't want my lo subjecting to that. :(

Sorry to hear that but sometimes, like in my case also, it is for the best! :hugs:


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