# thinking of giving my baby up for adoption... but so many questions



## jmc339

Hello, I am 24 years old and currently 37 weeks pregnant with a little boy. This is an unplanned pregnancy and I am no longer with the father. Lately I have been wrestling with decision on whether or not to give this child up for adoption. I want what is best for this little guy. I have a steady job and know that I can be a good mother, I just don't want this poor little child to have to suffer because of my mistakes. He will also end up spending a lot of his young life being raised by a nanny since my job requires that I work 10 hour shifts overnights. That just isn't fair to him. 
The reason I am on here is because I don't know what to do because of the father. He was very excited about the pregnancy from the very beginning. I left him because he was starting to become a bit mentally abusive towards me and was using me for my money. I was not happy in the relationship and left so that I could get myself healthy again for the baby as all the stress of being with him was making me sick. The father then began to be verbally abusive towards me in text messages and in his facebook posts because he wasn't getting his way. His mother and brother both support me in my pregnancy and my decision to leave their son/brother.
I did recently ask him what he thought of adoption and all he had to say was that if I didn't want the baby he would take him out to Baltimore where he is planning on going to school and play hockey a few weeks after the baby is born. This guy only 22 and also has a criminal record. He served 17 days in jail and is now under 5 years supervised probation due to a him taking a plea bargain in a case where he was accused of terroristic threats and false imprisonment again a former girlfriend, he can't seem to hold down a job for more than a few months because he either quits or messes up too many times. If I choose to parent he said he will support me, but on our terms.. he wants to keep the government out of it in case he can't make a payment one month. Right now I am unsure because if he were to stop adoption proceedings, will that give him an edge in a custody battle? I don't want him raising this child, he is sexist, thinks the world revolves around him, can hardly pay for his own rent and enjoys sleeping around, he plans on being a full time athlete, student and employee.. how does he think he can raise a child at the same time? I want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what happened with them?


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## youngone

hey :) sorry i didn't want to read and run because i feel so sorry about the situation you are in 

so :hugs::hugs::hugs:

he sounds a lot like my ex actually and honestly- i would never let my child around someone like that- let alone help raise them. he would be the role model your son would have, look up to. boys alway want to be just like their fathers.

in saying that-i would be thinking more about what _you_ want not him because in all reality he doesn't sound like someone who would stick around and be responsible anyway?? so you would likely be raising him (especially because of his convictions?) I'm not sure only you really know- but think about what *you want* :flower: 

its really nice you are already trying to do right by your son, what a good mother :flower: xx


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## aliss

He has to agree to the adoption.

If you choose to keep the child, he will be allowed visitation and/or joint custody.

There is really no other option. However, he cannot 'keep the government out of it' -> if he wants any rights to the child, he must establish paternity. Unmarried means zero rights for the father until this is done.

I suggest you speak with a family lawyer. Unfortunately his past and current charges do not matter much to a family court, the standard for parenting is very low and unless he is specifically convicted of hurting the child and/or a child (and even then), he can retain his parental rights.


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## hannahhlove

I'm so sorry about the situation you're in. I can't imagine the thoughts and stress running through your head these days. When considering adoption, it is important to put that baby first - think about the life it will have either with you, with the father, with an adoptive family or if you and the father could work things out in some way - parent together. I'm not sure exactly how adoption works, but I think if he wants to put a stop to the adoption if you choose to go through with it, than he will need a paternity test (I think), if you decide to not put him on the birth certificate. It will then go through the courts, in which case it will be dealing with the government; which isn't what he wants. He has a criminal background and is on probation, so there are some big things against him in getting custody of the child. Have you thought about open or semi-open adoption? Maybe you two could both work out an adoption plan, where you could have some type of contact with your son even if he is part of another family. If you choose to parent - think of all the negatives and positives that come along with it. It looks like you're looking for the best option for your baby, and you have to make the for you and him only. Depending how long you've been working at your place of employment, you should qualify for some time of maternity leave. This could give you time to settle into a life of parenting, and getting your life sorted out. You said you work overnight shifts. Well if you take maternity leave for a few months (whatever amount of time is allowed) then hopefully the baby will be sleeping through the night after a few months and you will only need someone to stay the night to make sure everythings okay, as well as maybe a few hours in the morning to care for the baby while you get some rest. If you want it to work, you'll figure out a way to make it work.

Keep your head up!! You're doing the responsible thing by considering the two options you have now, and either way - both are major decisions, but only you can make it. Best of luck!!


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## Nise

If I were you I wouldn't make any snap decisions just yet. I think the previous poster made a valid point re taking your maternity leave and seeing how you feel about life with your baby once he's here. I can understand that your emotions are probably all over the place and trying to envisage your life and work as a single parent at this stage is damn near impossible - but who knows what opportunities may arise. Maybe a nanny wouldn't be the end of the world. With regard to your question about the father's rights. I am currently going through assessments to become special guardian of my niece. She is in care and whatever happens will not go back to her parents but the system is not considering adoption. They want special guardianship because it allows specific and regular contact with the birth parents (it's a long story but we are opposing this as both parents are heavy drinkers, long term heroin users, and there is a lot of violence in the relationship - all the reasons why the child has been in and out of care for most of it's short life) but still the system believes this child should be subjected to them - I can tell you almost without a doubt that if you decide to give your child up for adoption and the father does not agree, he will almost definitely be granted custody if he want's the child despite his convictions. The child care system will go a long long way down the road to keep a child with one (if not both) of it's parents. 

I wish you all the best of luck and hope things work out for both you and your little boy. :flower:


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## tryforbaby2

aliss said:


> He has to agree to the adoption.
> 
> If you choose to keep the child, he will be allowed visitation and/or joint custody.
> 
> There is really no other option. However, he cannot 'keep the government out of it' -> if he wants any rights to the child, he must establish paternity. Unmarried means zero rights for the father until this is done.
> 
> I suggest you speak with a family lawyer. Unfortunately his past and current charges do not matter much to a family court, the standard for parenting is very low and unless he is specifically convicted of hurting the child and/or a child (and even then), he can retain his parental rights.

Although I am sure we are all sad for your situation, the comment above ^ is correct, legally, in the United States. 

Women are strong sweetie, but Moms are even stronger! :flower:

Good Luck to you on whatever you decide.


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## jmc339

Just wanted to give you all an update. A little over 2 months ago I had my son, he weighed a whopping 11 pounds!! (no it was not a c-section) I decided to go with adoption. What really decided it for me was I found the perfect couple! They came to the hospital and stayed through all 24 hours of my labor and came in to visit with me before going to see their son for the first time (he had to be in the special care nursery due to a possible infection). The hospital gave them a room and they stayed in the unit for the entire week that he was there! We have an openness agreement where I get to see him at least 4 times this first year and they will give me updates at least once a month. So far they have gone above and beyond. They send me an update, usually with pictures and/or videos, at least once a week! I have already had one visit with him and we are hopefully planning on another really soon! They really want me to be a big part of my life and they themselves have become like family to me. It really is a wonderful and blessed situation. The FOB never tried to actually assert his rights, just made threats to try to control me and now isn't even responding to the updates I have sent him and actually even his own mother won't update him on his son because she doesn't like his attitude about it.


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## aliss

jmc339 said:


> Just wanted to give you all an update. A little over 2 months ago I had my son, he weighed a whopping 11 pounds!! (no it was not a c-section) I decided to go with adoption. What really decided it for me was I found the perfect couple! They came to the hospital and stayed through all 24 hours of my labor and came in to visit with me before going to see their son for the first time (he had to be in the special care nursery due to a possible infection). The hospital gave them a room and they stayed in the unit for the entire week that he was there! We have an openness agreement where I get to see him at least 4 times this first year and they will give me updates at least once a month. So far they have gone above and beyond. They send me an update, usually with pictures and/or videos, at least once a week! I have already had one visit with him and we are hopefully planning on another really soon! They really want me to be a big part of my life and they themselves have become like family to me. It really is a wonderful and blessed situation. The FOB never tried to actually assert his rights, just made threats to try to control me and now isn't even responding to the updates I have sent him and actually even his own mother won't update him on his son because she doesn't like his attitude about it.

Congrats and I'm so happy to hear a positive outcome for you, the baby, and the parents. What a wonderful outcome :hugs: He is a very blessed little boy!


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## ispeakinsongs

jmc339 said:


> Just wanted to give you all an update. A little over 2 months ago I had my son, he weighed a whopping 11 pounds!! (no it was not a c-section) I decided to go with adoption. What really decided it for me was I found the perfect couple! They came to the hospital and stayed through all 24 hours of my labor and came in to visit with me before going to see their son for the first time (he had to be in the special care nursery due to a possible infection). The hospital gave them a room and they stayed in the unit for the entire week that he was there! We have an openness agreement where I get to see him at least 4 times this first year and they will give me updates at least once a month. So far they have gone above and beyond. They send me an update, usually with pictures and/or videos, at least once a week! I have already had one visit with him and we are hopefully planning on another really soon! They really want me to be a big part of my life and they themselves have become like family to me. It really is a wonderful and blessed situation. The FOB never tried to actually assert his rights, just made threats to try to control me and now isn't even responding to the updates I have sent him and actually even his own mother won't update him on his son because she doesn't like his attitude about it.


That is wonderful news, very happy for you xx


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## hopeandpray

Fantastic update. So glad that you're happy with your decision. They sound like great parents for him.


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## Mummy2B21

If his name is on the babys birth certificate then he as as much right as you. If there is no proof he is the dad then he wont have a say in it.


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## vermeil

ooh congratulations! It sounds like such a happy outcome! I`m so happy for you and your little one :hugs:

I guess I come from the other end of the spectrum - adoption lists are years long here. I wish more people would give thought to adoption. It truly is the gift of a lifetime for a couple out there


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## Nise

So happy to hear things worked out for you, you're son and a wonderful couple. They sound like pretty special people. Hope everything continues to go well. :hugs:


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## jmc339

Just saw my 'little' guy yesterday! It was our 3rd visit together since leaving the hospital. And we are planning another visit soon so my family gets to see him as well since my little sister will be home from schood for a month. He is growing so fast and is ahead of schedule for many of his developing skills. Unfortunatly we had to cut the visit a little shorter that what his mom and I would have liked as he is dealing with teething and was past his afternoon nap and didn't want to sleep while his mom and chatted over lunch and the Christmas tree and the cat were no longer keeping him happy. The parents have been great, I am still getting emails and text messages at least once a week, still with pictures and videos of him. They have even been sending me little cards in the mail (we discovered that we only live about 10 miles apart) He is such a happy smiley blessed little boy!! Not only have I given my little boy a wonderful family but I have gained new members of my own family as they have welcomed me into theirs!


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## Milty

A relative of mine gave her son up in a similar arrangement years ago. Like you she felt like it worked really well. The father was supportive of the arrangement too. 

Anyway her son Graduated high school just last year and of course she got to see him walk across the stage. What was really nice his mom even sent out announcements to all of us as well so we could come if we wanted. 

I think it's a great thing when all things work so well together!

Congrats!


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## KozmikKitten

I just read this today as I stumbled around BnB. What a wonderful story. I look forward to adopting later in life, and yours is such a success story! Thank you for sharing.


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## hellohefalump

What a selfless thing to do... I really admire you. I'm so glad things are working out for you all.


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