# My Miscarriage Story



## moomoo

Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.

When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.

When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.

All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep. 

I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air. 

After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.

On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"

A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.

In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.

We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.

To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.

I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.

xx


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## JASMAK

Great idea...good to get thoughts out

Well, let's see. We started TTC pretty much as soon as my daughter was born (JAN 2005). We had troubles getting pregnant with the first two kids, and just thought that we'd take the "stress out of it" by just not using birth control. I remember we BD about three weeks after I gave birth, and I thought "oh-oh"...that would be so soon (I had a section). Well, I didn't end up getting pregnant by that method, so we decided that DEC 1, 2006-we'd start "trying-trying". You know, checking when you ovulate, BDing on the right days, POAS near AF time. Nothing...until I think it was eight months later, we actually only managed to BD once that month, I got pregnant!!! I was over the moon! I told everyone at work, because I never had a m/c before, so it never occured to me that I might. I bought things for my baby. I ate well, exercised. I taught water aerobics at the time, and told my whole class. A few weeks later, I was about to go out for dinner with friends. They were actually already on their way over to my house to pick me up, and I went pee. There was blood on the toilet tissue. Not lots...but, it was red. Then I remembered earlier that day: I was taking a nap, and I woke to a big sharp pain in my tummy, but I just shrugged it off. I went to the hospital with my sister. They found the baby by u/s, and everything was fine. There was blood coming out of my cervix, but my cervix was closed. They said it was 50/50. I went home and the bleeding and cramps were horrible. I knew it was over. I wished I had asked for an u/s pic...but, I had nothing. My husband took me on a vacation...for a week. It was very relaxing, and a good time to grieve. I had to tell everyone at work, I had to tell my then four-year old son, I had to tell strangers...because everyone knew. It was a nightmare that went on and on. But, I fell pregnant just a few short months later. I thought this MUST be it. One m/c, OK...fair enough. It happens, but, no, not two. I told my sister, husband, friend, mother...that was it. I had learned. It didn't last long before the bleeding started. This time it was 3am. I put a pad on, and ran to bed sobbing. Rob asked me what the hell happened...and I just said it was over. I cried all the way to morning-horrible loud cries of pain, anger,a nd sadness. That was my Christmas baby...just before Christmas. I was going to tell everyone for Christmas. I went to the DR a couple days later. It was over. I already knew. After this m/c, my life pretty much fell apart. You see, between those two m/c, my daugher, then almost three, was diagnosed with Autism. I couldn't handle my world of hurt. I felt very alone, not just with my TTC troubles, but with my daughter. What did this mean for her future, her world? And I had alot of anger about my losses and no one to turn to, and with everything going on with my daugher, I bottled my own problems away. To make matters worse, I wasn't even getting pregnant on my own anymore. I took five weeks off work for stress, and finally did some grieving. I got a few books on m/c, and grieving, joined this site. I saw a specialist and had some tests done. Then I was put on Clomid, and Prometrium. Ten months after my last m/c, and first round of Clomid...PREGNANT! I videotaped the result. I was jumping up and down, and screaming with excitement. With all these drugs...I have FINALLY got my dream come true!!! The excitement lasted a week. The bleeding started and I was rushed to hospital. The cramps were so horrible...I had to breathe through them. I knew it was over. My friends work in the ER. A DR, two friends...my twin sister works there. It was horrible, embarassing, and not a private moment. I had a scan the next morning, and it was over. My OB said that I ovulated from both ovaries, and it very well might have been twins. That is where I am. It is not a happy place to be, but that is my story.


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## misstrouble

Thanks for starting this thread Moomoo. It helps to talk about it but you never know who to talk to. This is a long one sorry! I was not ttc(i have 2 children) and when the test came up pos I was shocked scared but excited. I called my best friend round and told her the news and I remember saying that things were not right and that may baby was going to die. Over the next 3 weeks I had different bleeding from spotting to fresh red and clots. I also had my hcg levels checked,and they dropped at one point. 3 times we were told that I was m/c but 3 scans showed baby and a heartbeat. I saw a dr on the Monday after quite bad bleeding over the w/e, but again scan confirmed all was ok. The dr said that there was no reason for bleeding and that everything looked fine. I was at no greater risk of m/c than anyone else. The whole time I had been pregnant I had pains and cramps and bleeding on and off but to be told this we thought our 'Bubble' would be ok. 

2 days later the bleeding got heavier and the pain got worse. I was at work (they knew what was going on) and I had to leave and take myself to A&E. When I got there, the pains in my cervix were like a huge pressure build up and I was bleeding heavily. When they called me to go to tri -age I stood up and I just flooded everywhere. They took me through to wait for gyneacologist (4hrs) and I felt so ill and was still bleeding very heavily. 

They finally agreed to admit me and left me on a bed, naked from the waist down with a white blanket over me! At this point I knew there was no hope for my baby .

I was scanned the next day and they confirmed what I knew (although deep down I thought the heartbeat would be there). They told me it was incomplete and that I needed to stay in. Luckily I did as I suffered 2 hrs of the most intense contractions and still more bleeding and narrowly escaped a blood transfusion. 
I never knew it was like this. I 'assumed' a m/c was just a heavy period, and I so wish I had some idea. 7 weeks on and it hurts so badly although it was not planned it was wanted so much. Not a day goes by when my bubble is not in my thoughts.


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## Wishfull

Hi ladies heres my story too.
Thanks for starting this its good to just get it all out.
It was Monday 20th October and it was 2pm i had went to the loo and noticed some brown blood. I cried a bit then, and panick went through me. I was 10weeks1day.After that there was no bleeding till later that night 8pm. Just smeary but bright red blood. I had been sitting on sites all day trying to find out if it was normal and in fact there was lots of women who bleed at the start of pregnancy. But i foned NHS 24 they booked me in for a scan the next day 21st October. I went there myself as my partner had only got his head round to the fact we were going to have a lovely baby on the friday before, it was now tuesday. I had no more bleeding during the night. 
When waiting in the waiting room with loads of couples i thought they must be thinking what a shame.
I remeber sitting there with my wee fat belly thinking 50/50 at what the out come would be, more just kidding myself really. Thats the last memory i have of having my baby in my belly.
They took me for a scan, my baby didnt seem so bright as it had done when i got a scan at 7 weeks. It was dull but i could see my baby, then she stopped rolling the thing around on my belly and said " im really sorry but i cant find a heart beat" I said check again check again are you sure, i was crying so so much. She said baby stopped growing at 9weeks1 day. A week ago i couldnt believe it. My whole world had come down. The shock the sorrow. 
I was sent home an told to fone the next day an say weather i want a d +c or it to happen natrually. I chose the d+c an was booked in on the 23rd at 10am.
But 5 am i woke up with a pain in my tummy and a feeling like i was bursting for a pee.
Lots an lots of clots but no real pain in my tummy. I foned NHS 24 an they said just keep check of the clots. In other words to see if i had passed the baby.
I seen my tiny little baby an that thought still haunts me. I'll never forgive myself for flushing. But i didnt know what to do i was alone. I felt as though it wasnt real. I was unusually calm id say for that situation.
I was told if i felt sick or faint to go straight in. It had settled a little, went in for a scan an they said baby was in fact gone but some stuff left.
Later that day about 5pm the most awful pain my god i actually thought i was goung to die i couldnt breath or walk. I was having contractions with large clots every 60 second.
After one really large clot i felt ok. An could go back to bed an rest. I was so so weak for days.
Its been 3 weeks tomo since that happend. An im still haunted by it. 
I so despretly wanted my baby. I would say im getting better at dealing with it. Its still in my thoughts every day, how far should i be? Names? clothes, all the things i would need to be buying.
But most of all i just think how much i want my baby. All our little angels. We all miss them so so much. 
I miss you my baby. I love you my baby. Im always just here my baby.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Flossie03

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories, I'm so sorry to hear all these stories but at the same time it's important to share, so here's my story...

I have a 4 year old son who I fell pregnant with the first month of trying, I thought it would be that easy again so we waited until the time was just right to try again, we started ttc in June and it took until september to get our BFP, we were so happy, the timing was perfect. I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms which, if I'm honest, worried me from the beginning, with my son I had so many symptoms as well as terrible sickness. I remember saying to my husband I was worried that things weren't ok but he reassured me and said that maybe I was just lucky to not be so ill this time around. So I put it to the back of my mind, told our families and a few close friends and excitedly planned for the future. Just as I reached 7 weeks I woke up to go to work on a tuesday morning, went to the loo and when I wiped there was a very small smear of brown discharge. I called in sick and went to my GP who basically told me to wait and see. Later that day I called my GP again as the bleeding had continued although it was still very light and only when I went to the loo, this time she referred me for a scan. The next day I went to the hospital, my hubby had to work so I took my mum with me, the waiting room was full of women going for their 20 week scans, all coming out of the scanning room with their pictures and looking so happy. After over an hour of waiting I was taken in, given an internal scan and told that the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks and I was miscarrying. I tried to hold it together but burst into tears, I had alreay expected the worst but it was so hard to hear those final words- "I'm sorry but you are having another miscarriage" (I had a miscarriage many years ago which the doctor knew about). The next hardest thing was phoning my husband and crying down the phone to tell him we had lost the baby, he came straight home and we spent the afternoon just holding each other.

Over the next couple of days the bleeding turned red but was still quite light and not like a proper period, then over the weekend it got much heavier, I was passing clots and tissue and having bad cramps, this took about 3 days and I just couldn't do anything apart from focus on getting through the physical process, I couldn't even begin to grieve while my body was going through the process, I felt incredibly low and weak and could barely even look after my son, my husband was great and took over everything for a few days at home to let me rest. 7 days later I went back to the hospital for a repeat internal scan which confirmed that I had passed everything, the bleeding carried on for a few more days but was much lighter and then completely stopped. After the second scan all my emotions came to the surface and I had a difficult few days, I felt very low and flat and realised I just needed to grieve.

3 weeks later and it feels like it all happened so long ago, I have changed as a person and will always have this feeling of sadness but I also feel that I have coped and I have carried on regardless, things are getting easier each day and I know that this is a long journey that I will be on, I have bought a memorial pendant which I wear on necklace and it is so that I can remember our baby in a very personal way, it brings me so much comfort. 

We still hope to complete our family in the future, we hope that the happiness we had for such a brief time will be ours again xx


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## Rumpskin

All your stories make me so sad. I feel your pain ladies and you have all been very brave reliving your stories.

I have told my story already. I am due to go home for the first time since it happened tomorrow. I want to get back to normality very soon but am dreading finding the baby magazines/books by my bed, things that I had put aside for LO's arrival and the beautiful most amazing scan picture when I saw my LO for the last time, alive. I miss you baby.

All I can say is that reading your stories is allowing my own grief to be pushed aside to think of someone else going through this ordeal.

One day we will all get our dream xx


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## Drazic<3

Thank you all so much for being so brave and sharing. I havent done this before but im going to give it a go. sorry its long, its the first time ive let myself thing about it this much,.

Well. I was nearly 15. Id been kicked out of home by my abusive dad and was living in care. Me and OH had been together since we were 14 and kids being kids we experimented and i managed to get pregnant. When i found out i was terrified, actually frozen stiff with fear. I told my OH who for a 15 year old was amazing mature, actually excited and happy about it. He promised me he would get a job and we would move into a place of our own..ect. Im not an idiot, i know it would of been so hard, but he made me really think we could do it. I didnt tell anyone else at all as i was too scared. It never dawned on me that we wouldnt have the baby. From that initial burning fear, i got used to the idea. I was excited and i was madly in love with this little bump inside me.

My OH parents were going to Devon and invited me. We stayed in this little cottage by a river in the middle of bloody nowhere. Me and OH were excited and the first night we were there he gave me this little boys t-shirt he had brought. I was so happy, happier than i had ever been before. I had a little drop of blood but i had no idea that it was anything to worry about. I was getting period like pains to but again, i wasn't sure it was anything to be concerned about. 

Me and OH were allowed to sleep in thew same room in separate beds with the door open (bit late for that, we thought) but we had a little row and had is back to me. the pains were getting worse and worse and i curled myself into a ball and cried. I think it begin to dawn on me that all my dreams were over, this little ray of sunshine in what was essentially a dark miserable place that was my life had gone. In that moment, with my baby dying, i have never felt so alone, so broken. I got myself downstairs to the bathroom and laid on the floor and cried. There was loads of blood. I really thought i was dying. part of me _hoped_ i was dying. 

sorry if this is tmi, but i saw what i thought my baby might be. wrapped it in tissue and flushed the rest away. Just something else i cant forgive myself for. im not sure how long i was down there. I got myself into some state of normal and got back into bed. I just curled up and sobbed. My OH woke up early and came over to give me a cuddle, lifted back the sheets and saw all the blood and said 'what happened to my baby?' (he has since apologised for that several hundred times) and hugged me. Everything was pretty much over by then. I somehow got myself together for the day went downstairs and OH's mum, as matter of fact as anything, say 'I think i had a miscarriage last night'. I dont know if by some fluke she did, or if she was trying to hurt me. She never went to the hospital or anything, and she just looked me square in the face. Later, i went to the little river and let my baby float down the river. God. it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I never told anyone else. Still all this time later noone other than my OH knows. She has still never said a word to me about it all these years later. Maybe i should be over it by now, but i just cant move on. They guilt, the hurt, the fear that i might never have a baby of my own. :cry:

I got a little tattoo of a butterfly on my tummy for Drazic. (we always though of him as a he. i dont know why)


_Though this journeys over, id go back if you asked me too. Im not dead, just floating. underneath the ink of my tattoo, ive tried to hide my scars from you. Im not scared, just changing...your my crack of sunlight. _


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## becky77

what a good post well here goes

I went for my 10 week dating scan and they could not find a heart beat and the baby only measured 61/2 weeks so they arranged for me to come back for another scan 9 days later as there was no sign of bleeding and they said it was not unusual not to find a heartbeat at 6 weeks , so i then had the most awful 9 days ever and i think i new then that my lo was gone. on the night before the 2nd scan i started to spot red blood but only very light,as you can imagine when i went for my scan there as still no heartbeat and baby had not grown they told me baby had died at 6 weeks and as i was already bleeding to go home and wait for it to happen.well 3 days later i was still only bleeding lightly and having very mild cramps but felt really groggy and ill that night i had some more pain and passed a large clot, which i think was my baby, since then i have carried on with light bleeding and very few cramps i am still bleeding now 15 days later although it is like black blood now, just want it to end so i can move on.


I feel kinda empty i have not cried and dont think i will although i do feel very sensitive to anything pregnancy or baby related.i also feel like one of my worst fears has come true and am even more protective and cuddly with my boys if thats possible.

thats my story nothing to bad very heartbreaking for me anyway.

xx


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## haaza123

Here's my story.

My first mc happened in may 2008. On Wednesday i had brown discharge which i thought nothing of, i also had very sharp cramps which i ignorned. On the friday i had a busy day, im the room leader of the baby room of a private day-care nursery, we took the baby's to the park for a picnic. When i got back i had tiny bit of blood in my underwear when i went to the toliet. I didnt say anything as my manager didnt know that i was pregnant even though i was 11+6. There was only four or five people who knew at work. I waited till i got home and called my gp for an appointment, they didnt have any available. The bleeding got worse so on sunday i called the emergency doctor who i explained my situation to. The doctor said i'd have to wait till monday to call my local EPAU. Monday i didnt know what to do and was panicky so i went to work and told a very close friend that i was bleeding. She tried to reassure me and told me to go to the doctors, i already had an appointment booked for my 12 week scan the following monday so i told her that i'd wait till then. She told me off, so i booked an appointment for after work. The doctor examined my pelvis, she listened to me and checked down below. She then signed me off work for the next day and said that she'd call the EPAU for me to get an emergency scan ready. I called my friend who was still at work and told her to tell my manager that i needed to talk to her and not let her go home. Got to my workplace. Told her i was pregnat, she started to congratulate me when i broke down and cried. She was so sweet. CPuldnt beleive i kept it from her for so long. She told me off for not telling her that i was bleeding earlier as she would have sent me home. Her and her husband took me home. Thats when i told my husband and mum. I told them a lie, said doctor said it'll be nothing probably and they were sending me for a scan for precautions. Next day doctor called and i went for a scan. I got my dad to drop me off and told my husband to go to work. (BIG MISTAKE) They did an internal scan, sonographer showed me that there was no heartbeat that the baby hadnt developed from my last scan when i was 8+5. Will never forget that scan, my head and eyes made me see a limp body just floating in me. They took me to another room where i texted my hubby saying 'No baby for us' and an consultant spoke to me about what to do next. I was given a choice between an ERPC or to get rid of the baby naturallly. They told me if i chose naturally then i'd be in alot of pain and see alot of blood. They Said that i would end up in A&E anyway. After sobs of tears and an hour later i opted for ERPC which they booked for next day. After that it was all over, went back to work the following monday.

Second mc happened in july 2008, my friend told me that she was pregnant on the monday, on the monday my AF was late. Tuesday i tested BFP but faint. Wednesday told a couple of friends and word got around so everyone knew, my manager was on holiday and was coming back to work on Friday. We had sports day on Friday where i told my manager on the field. She told me that i wasn't allowed to do any lifting or anything, she said that she had to protect me. I felt wet and sticky down below so went back to the nursery to find i was bleeding. Told my manager and she got her husband to take me home. Went to the doctors, the doctor was very insentitive said that there was nothing he could do. He then asked if this was a unplanned pregnany. Then was lost for word when i said no, he just shrugged and told me just to get on with it. Had four days off which i had booked off earlier on as i was going away. 

Third mc happened in Sept 2008. Got my BFP on the monday which was very faint, then the next day i tested it got fainter. Saw the doctor friday morning and showed her the test she gave me a week to miscarry and told me to carry on as normal as it would apparently be easier for me. She was alot nicer then the last. Said that its obvisous that i needed hospital help to maintain a pregnancy. Went back to work, i had informed my manager earlier on in the week that i had very faint line. She wasnt there but her husband tried to send me home but i refused. I booked off tues and wed (not sure why) Told my manger on monday what the doctor said. I miscarried on the tues and texted a work colleague to let her know. She told my manager for me that the bleeding had started and went back to work on the thursday. 

Sorry this is so long but its helping writing it all down. Thank you.xx


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## Jodie__x

I'll add mine then , Ive been meaning to post it , but never really been ready to write in here :( !


It all started happening sunday 13th of July, when i was 21 weeks, me and OH where walking down to get a Chinese when i started to get quite bad pains in my tummy , but i just assumed baby was in an awkward spot. it carried on all night so i put myself to bed , all through the night i was in total agony ! i remember being hunched over in the bed like what i can only describe as a sort of gollum like position. i didnt want to say anything because i thought i just needed a No.2 and was exaggerating. 
Hoping they where just going pass i was going to wait till morning before doing anything. i got up monday morning after having no sleep through the night , and found that my plug was coming out .
Went straight to the hospital , and they took me straight to the labour ward and after and examination found my cervix had opended and there where bulging membranes coming out . The first consultant that came to see me was such actually vile, and i hope she never has to go through this. came in and basically dismissed my little boy as nothing , she just said "where not going to do anything because your only 21 weeks so it can just be classed as a miscarriage instead of a delivery ok" , and left:cry: .
After that they just took me to the bereavement suit , after a couple of hours another consultant came in and told me he wasn't going to just leave me without trying . They Put me on medication to reduce the water in his bag , and another to stop my body going into labor , and tilted my bed head down hoping gravity would help too. after 48 hours they where hoping to stitch my cervix together and that id be ok . by Monday night i had the urge to push and was in so much pain , But i told them it was just trapped wind and got by on paracetamol and back rubs . Tuesday i was feeling alot better in my self after my examination when they found the bag had shrunk and all was looking hopeful , all i had to do was get through till morning when they where going to put the stitch in . Then i started bleeding , it gradually increasing . But the midwifes and doctors said it might be nothing . still in denial i persuaded everyone it was just wind and survived on just back rubs . although The pains where getting so strong . By about half 10 i couldnt handle it no more . and the consultant came to examine me. he had a feel and could feel his feet in the bag hanging out my cervix. labor was inevitable and the told me there was nothing they could do . although i refused to push and pretended to be asleep so they would leave me alone i knew i could do it , at half 10 i started on the gas and air and began to push . at 11.05 My lil boy was born , in his placenta. Although they said he would be still born he came out alive and held on for 35 minutes. I didnt understand why nobody would help him . after he had gone they took us to the bereavement room , and took him for some pictures and hand prints , they brought him back and measured & weighed him at 14 ounces he was a ft long he was so perfect i never knew it was possible to love someone that much. 

I basicly just coppied that from when i had rit it previous , But have just cried myself reading through ! ,

Thanks for starting this thread x


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## cleckner04

I guess I will share mine as well. We got pregnant quickly. Two months of trying and I got my :bfp:. I was so excited but in the back of my mind I kept thinking that it was all too easy. DH and I were keeping it quiet with family as we live 800 miles away from them. So we decided to take a vacation home to share our news with everyone in August. I was between my 8th and 9th week. I kept thinking to myself that just a few more weeks and I'd be out of the "danger zone". As soon as we got home and around family we told everyone we came into contact with. That was our first mistake. The vacation went smoothly and we had a party planned to celebrate our pregnancy and to celebrate being home. The day before the party I started getting severe cramps. Severe enough that I had to stop and breath until the pain passed. This being my first pregnancy, I just assumed it was growing pains in my uterus. I honestly had no clue as I don't know what a healthy pregnancy feels like. Sure enough, that night I found red blood when I wiped. I freaked out. My husband and I rushed to the hospital immediately. We got pulled over by a police officer on the way for speeding and ended up getting escorted into town to the hospital(thank god we didn't get a ticket on top of everything else). After several hours of testing and an internal scan, we found out that the baby stopped developing in it's 6th week. We don't even know if it ever had a heartbeat. I opted to be admitted into the hospital that night for a D&C the next morning. I was 9weeks2days pregnant the day I got a D&C. It was traumatic and it all happened so fast. I just wanted it over with. I woke up scared to death and crying after the operation. When I was released from the hospital that day, we had to deal with the party that was going on at my inlaws house. The very party that was supposed to be a celebration for our pregnancy. Alot of the family didn't even know. I had several aunts come up and congratulate me and give me a hug. It was humiliating having to explain that the baby was gone. I kept my head held high and sat through the entire party. I had to keep sneaking to an empty bedroom quite a bit to cry and get it out so I wouldn't cry in front of everyone and make a scene. 

We decided to name our baby Cameron. We'll never know if it was a boy or girl but I like to think that he was a boy. I think giving him a name makes him more real even though I wasn't that far along he was still real to me. This all happened August 29th but we aren't trying again yet as I am terrified of it all happening again. :cry: My entire life all I've ever been sure about is that I want to be a mom. Now I want it even more than before but since I've never had a baby, I'm scared it will never happen for me. So that's my story. :blush:


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## daniella00

This is a good idea!

When i found out i was pregnant it dodnt feel right, i feltlike something was wrong so i made a private apointment for a scan at seven weeks. Two days before that i had some bleeding, very red but it didnt last long. I was devestated and called NHS direct who then got a midwife to phone me. She told me to rest and i did until i had my scan.

At the scan eveyrthing was fine, the baby was doing well and the heart beat was strong. I was so happy! But i still wouldnt let myself get excited about it..i rested for a few more days but as i had no more blood i carried on as normal.
I then had more bleeding at ten weeks, again not for long, only when i went to the toilet. I had another scan and again everything was ok.

I then had my 12 week scan and went away in holiday hoping everything was ok.

Then at 14 weeks i had a horrid mucus discharge so i went to the docs and she said it was cervical erosion and not to worry about it. Then the mucus turned into blood at 14 1/2 weeks. I went to the hospital and they examined me again and said everything seemed fine and that it was the erosion.
I was bleeding very heavliy like a heavy period but they didnt seem worried.
I carried on bleeding and also passed clots but still baby hung in there!
I bought a doppler and listened every morning and night for baby, it was so comforting hearing her heart beat!

Then from 16 weeks i bled so heavily and had more trips to the hospital, they never scanned me just internally examined me and they said to just rest. Which i did!

Then one friday when i was 17 weeks and 3 days i started gettin tummy ache it just felt a bit uncomfortable.
That night i couldnt sleep and knew i had gone into labour at about 2am.

I stayed at home until 7am as it wasnt too bad and i knew what was happening and would have rather been at home. When i got to the hospital the doctor said it could be braxton hicks! i knew it wasnt but he insisted and told me not to worry and he would admitted me to hospital just to keep an eye on them!

I was examined again by a consultant and he told me that i was probably going to miscarry. He then scanned me and i saw my beautiful baby moving about legs and arms everywhere!

Thats the last time i saw my baby.
One hour later she was dead..
I miscarried at 17 weeks 4 days at 1.30pm Saturday the 27th september.

I was in so much pain, there was just me and my partner in the room as the nurses sort of left me to it, which at the time i was really mad about it, but now im glad i was left with just him.
I went back home that night.
I didnt see my baby as i didnt want to.
I had to phone the hospital after i had gone home to find out what sex the baby was and i was told the baby was a little girl.Just as i thought! 

The following week we had a funeral for her with just me and my partner there. It was lovely. He carried the coffin down and we had her cremated.
Im now waiting for my consultants appointment next Friday to find out what happened. Its now been seven weeks tomorrow and i cant believe how long ago it seems! I would have been nearly 25 weeks, its crazy to think that.

I hope we can try again soon. Im not sure what the docs will say to me but i can't wait for my appointment to finally be able to talk to them about it and hopefully try and move on.



I know you never get over anything like this. I'm sending my love to everyone on here.

xxxx:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Dona

I will share my story too.

We had been married for 11 yrs and thought it was the right time to try for a baby. I came off the pill and got pregnant in only 4 months. We were over the moon and so were my family and close friends. Everything was perfect, the finding out part was just how I wanted it. My Mum and my hubby waiting for the result of the digital test in the livingroom, turned positive and everyone just hugged. Then at 5 weeks I started to get light brown bleeding. Went for a scan at the pregnancy support unit at 6 weeks and everything seamed fine, good strong heartbeat was present. Then the bleeding got more frequent and heavier. Went back for another scan at 8 weeks and was told that the sac was not growing at the same rate as the baby. They told me that there was a high chance I would m/c. I went home and 4 days later I had a m/c on my own in the bathroom. I was lucky as I didn't have much pain. I remember looking down the toilet and saw my baby. It mentally scarred me for a long time. I went to counseling which helped. I was gutted as getting pregnant and finding out was the perfect story, just how I imagined it would be. How would it ever be like that again. Anyway, I started trying again right away and became pregnant after 4 months, and everything was again perfect. My 13 week scan was on the same day as my due date of the baby I'd lost. I felt strange that day, joyous but thinking about 'what if'. 

I am sending lots of love and hugs to everyone who has been through loosing a baby. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I am also sending you lots of luck and wish you all the best in getting your :bfp: soon xxxxxxx


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## morayo

hi all
heres my story! me and my oh had been ttc for about 8mnths, my oh had an accident and had a pelvic fracture so he had some surgery and implants in his pelvic/thigh so our bd is kinda a chore for him at times . we had been trying for about 8mnts. he was away when i did the test at work and got the bfp, i told my mom, my mil and just kept the secret to myself. i have a five yr old dd so i sorta knew i was pregnant be4 i did the test.
six weeks into the pg i got to work one morning and had this terrible back ache, it just kept throbing on the left side , i went to the loo and saw some brown spotting on my undies, i wiped and ther e was more but when i wiped again it was all clear, i went to the staff hospital that day it was a friday i remeber, and the doc just examined me told me i had a threatened abortion and gave me a sick leave for two days, told me to put my feet up and that was it. i called my dh and told him the news but i dnt think he thot i cld ever m/c
i didnt have anymore spotting that day,or the next, i was very happy and i thot that was it that my baby was intact only for me to wake up on sunday morning, and wipe myself.RED RED blood, i knew it was over cos i had gone over all my symtoms overnite, and i cldnt feel any pain in my boobs or lower belly . 
my mom came over and we sat together in the living room, the contractions started and kept coming and going in waves, it was terrible , i really put up a bold face infront of my mom, but after a while i just told her to go home and take my daughter with her. called my husband after they had left, he said his flight wa delayed but he was on his way, i eventually went to the loo and passed some very large clots i started crying then and flushed the clots. dh came home and i cldnt hold back the tears! i didnt realise until then how much i wanted the LO . it ws very traumatic for me.i creid for days afterwards i had to tell my boss at work who told everyone else and i jsut cldnt stand the pity i heard in theri voices when they called to tellme sorry formy loss.today is the fourth week after i had my m/c, im not over it till now and i still imagine what cld have been, i hav a neighbour who is pg and developing nicely and i wonder why i had to lose mine. got my af yesterday but decided not to let depression get the better of me, i miss my baby that left and i beleive i wil conceive another very soon and he /she will saty the whole nine months and thereafter.amen!


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## Rumpskin

morayo said:


> hi all
> heres my story! me and my oh had been ttc for about 8mnths, my oh had an accident and had a pelvic fracture so he had some surgery and implants in his pelvic/thigh so our bd is kinda a chore for him at times . we had been trying for about 8mnts. he was away when i did the test at work and got the bfp, i told my mom, my mil and just kept the secret to myself. i have a five yr old dd so i sorta knew i was pregnant be4 i did the test.
> six weeks into the pg i got to work one morning and had this terrible back ache, it just kept throbing on the left side , i went to the loo and saw some brown spotting on my undies, i wiped and ther e was more but when i wiped again it was all clear, i went to the staff hospital that day it was a friday i remeber, and the doc just examined me told me i had a threatened abortion and gave me a sick leave for two days, told me to put my feet up and that was it. i called my dh and told him the news but i dnt think he thot i cld ever m/c
> i didnt have anymore spotting that day,or the next, i was very happy and i thot that was it that my baby was intact only for me to wake up on sunday morning, and wipe myself.RED RED blood, i knew it was over cos i had gone over all my symtoms overnite, and i cldnt feel any pain in my boobs or lower belly .
> my mom came over and we sat together in the living room, the contractions started and kept coming and going in waves, it was terrible , i really put up a bold face infront of my mom, but after a while i just told her to go home and take my daughter with her. called my husband after they had left, he said his flight wa delayed but he was on his way, i eventually went to the loo and passed some very large clots i started crying then and flushed the clots. dh came home and i cldnt hold back the tears! i didnt realise until then how much i wanted the LO . it ws very traumatic for me.i creid for days afterwards i had to tell my boss at work who told everyone else and i jsut cldnt stand the pity i heard in theri voices when they called to tellme sorry formy loss.today is the fourth week after i had my m/c, im not over it till now and i still imagine what cld have been, i hav a neighbour who is pg and developing nicely and i wonder why i had to lose mine. got my af yesterday but decided not to let depression get the better of me, i miss my baby that left and i beleive i wil conceive another very soon and he /she will saty the whole nine months and thereafter.amen!

I am so very sorry to hear your story darling. I am still waiting for AF to turn up and hoping she will be here in a few weeks time so that I can get back to a normal cycle. You sound so brave and a fighter.

Good luck sweety xxx


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## fallenangel27

Hi I am sitting here, exhausted after last night's drama.

It all srated just over a week ago when I went for my 12 week scan. My husband and I were anxiously waiting while I was scanned and 'interrogated' about whether or not I was sure about my dates etc (I was, as I had had IUI with assisted ovulation 10 weeks earlier). It was then announced that it was bad news and she left the room, leaving my partner and I in tears, with no explanation! We were escorted to another room to wait for a more senior sonographer to arrive who scanned me internally. We were told that the baby had probably died at around 7 weeks (this I knew to be untrue as I had had 7 and 8 week scans and baby was fine then). My water sac however, was the normal size for a 12 week pregnancy. This they had no explanation for. I was sent to a ward to talk to a doctor (waiting a further hour for this) who sent me home with an appointment for 2 weeks later at the Early Pregnancy Clinic. I was not offered a D & C but sent home to wait. Nothing happened for a whole week, I was afraid to go out in case I suddenly started to bleed heavily. I stayed at home, on my own, waiting. I had had early miscarriages in the past and knew what to expect with those, but had not had a late one before. Nobody had explained what may or may not happen. So I was in for a shock!

At about midday yesterday, I started to have contractions. coming about every 5 minutes, speeding up to every 3. At 4.15pm, my water broke - soaking my clothes and the sofa, I was NOT expecting that. Contractions then started to come every minute. After about 30 minutes, I had the urge to push (I was glad that I already had 3 children so I knew what to do, it was very frightening). Firstly, out came a placenta, larger than I was expecting from what the hospital had said. Later, a fully formed baby, the size of the palm of my hand (obviously 11 -12 week size, not 7 - 8 as I had been told and expecting to pop out). About 10 minutes later, another baby came out, slightly smaller than the first (nobody had detected that I had been expecting twins, although I had my suspicions as I had started to show slightly earlier than expected), followed by another placenta. Then it was over, all contractions stopped. I bled profusely throughout the night and was worried that it was too much. Today I feel weak and shocked. I was not expecting to go through full labour and give birth to twins. I should have been given a D & C. I am too numb to cry and my husband is angry with the hospital and my lack of care from them. I hope no-one else has to go through this, insist on a D & C if you are more than a few weeks. Scans are obviously not as accurate as we may think, how could two babies of that size be missed???


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## Rumpskin

fallenangel27 said:


> Hi I am sitting here, exhausted after last night's drama.
> 
> It all srated just over a week ago when I went for my 12 week scan. My husband and I were anxiously waiting while I was scanned and 'interrogated' about whether or not I was sure about my dates etc (I was, as I had had IUI with assisted ovulation 10 weeks earlier). It was then announced that it was bad news and she left the room, leaving my partner and I in tears, with no explanation! We were escorted to another room to wait for a more senior sonographer to arrive who scanned me internally. We were told that the baby had probably died at around 7 weeks (this I knew to be untrue as I had had 7 and 8 week scans and baby was fine then). My water sac however, was the normal size for a 12 week pregnancy. This they had no explanation for. I was sent to a ward to talk to a doctor (waiting a further hour for this) who sent me home with an appointment for 2 weeks later at the Early Pregnancy Clinic. I was not offered a D & C but sent home to wait. Nothing happened for a whole week, I was afraid to go out in case I suddenly started to bleed heavily. I stayed at home, on my own, waiting. I had had early miscarriages in the past and knew what to expect with those, but had not had a late one before. Nobody had explained what may or may not happen. So I was in for a shock!
> 
> At about midday yesterday, I started to have contractions. coming about every 5 minutes, speeding up to every 3. At 4.15pm, my water broke - soaking my clothes and the sofa, I was NOT expecting that. Contractions then started to come every minute. After about 30 minutes, I had the urge to push (I was glad that I already had 3 children so I knew what to do, it was very frightening). Firstly, out came a placenta, larger than I was expecting from what the hospital had said. Later, a fully formed baby, the size of the palm of my hand (obviously 11 -12 week size, not 7 - 8 as I had been told and expecting to pop out). About 10 minutes later, another baby came out, slightly smaller than the first (nobody had detected that I had been expecting twins, although I had my suspicions as I had started to show slightly earlier than expected), followed by another placenta. Then it was over, all contractions stopped. I bled profusely throughout the night and was worried that it was too much. Today I feel weak and shocked. I was not expecting to go through full labour and give birth to twins. I should have been given a D & C. I am too numb to cry and my husband is angry with the hospital and my lack of care from them. I hope no-one else has to go through this, insist on a D & C if you are more than a few weeks. Scans are obviously not as accurate as we may think, how could two babies of that size be missed???

OMG, I am so very very sorry darling, I cannot express in words my utter sadness to your story. It is utterly disgusting the lack of support you were offered, you could have avoided so much trauma. You sound such a brave woman to go through what you did. My heart goes out to you and your family for what you have been through.

I think talking about our miscarriages has helped alot of ladies including myself on this forum. With my first miscarriage, I was not told what to expect and in some ways, I was glad as it would have freaked me out. I m/c at 9 weeks but my symptoms went a couple of weeks before hand. I knew in my mind something was wrong. I passed LO at home.

With the last one, I got to exactly 12 weeks and I started to bleed. Again, my symptoms had gone a couple of weeks before and I had a gut feeling that this pregnancy would not last. I ended up being in so much pain with the contractions, I was taken to hospital by ambulance as I was so scared to go in the car. I lost so much blood. All I can say is thank goodness for gas and air and morphine otherwise I would have passed out I am sure.

The miscarriages have scarred me and I am scared of getting pregnant again. I am hoping blood test results will show up why it has happened.

xxx


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## chrissie33

Oh fallenangel that is horrific sweetheart and I am so sorry you had to go through that! When I had my first mc, that was a missed mc they told me, baby had died a few weeks before my 13 week scan -they told me it was rare, but reading the forum here, I realise that it is not as rare as they make out! I have since had 2 more mc and having no children yet am waiting to see a consultant to see if they can find anything wrong. I understand your despair honey and you among friends here who can relate to how you are feeling. 

Im sorry to hear about all of your losses girls :hug: i do think moomoo this was a very good idea as talking about it certainly does help!


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## Rumpskin

chrissie33 said:


> Oh fallenangel that is horrific sweetheart and I am so sorry you had to go through that! When I had my first mc, that was a missed mc they told me, baby had died a few weeks before my 13 week scan -they told me it was rare, but reading the forum here, I realise that it is not as rare as they make out! I have since had 2 more mc and having no children yet am waiting to see a consultant to see if they can find anything wrong. I understand your despair honey and you among friends here who can relate to how you are feeling.
> 
> Im sorry to hear about all of your losses girls :hug: i do think moomoo this was a very good idea as talking about it certainly does help!

Sorry for your losses darling. Good luck with your consultants meeting and let us know how you get on xxx


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## dizzy65

i guess ill put up my stories (plural) too

Baby # 1 

i was 16 years old OH and i had only being going together about 2 months, we were camping and we decided that we loved each other enough that we wanted to start a family. And thats what started this. i never thought nothing of it. OH and i thought it never worked so like 1 month later i started getting all the signs. and of course the important one late for AF so OH bought me a pregnancy test and i took it.. i said bfp OH and i were over the moon in thoughts of having a family.. About 1 month and a half after i got really really bad stomach pains i collapsed to the ground in agony, i fainted my stomach never felt like this before i was crying.. i got rushed into the hospital andthey told me i lost the baby. i was devistated.. and now thinking back to it if i would of had the baby. i never would of graduated high school, or anything i am doing now.. but still in hauns me i miss my little bean so much and wish it was still with us. as this only made OH and i closer and we new we wanted a second chance at a family with eachother.. rest in peace Babe <3 loved for always

Baby # 2

This summer a second unexpected suspected surprise i was pregnant this time i lost it at just over 2 month. in the same month i lost my first baby. It was mainly because i was way to stressed out and it couldnt handle it.. for the second time in my short life i had lost my child. When OH and i found out i was pregnant for the second time we were over the moon happy. Then while camping thats when it all happend i was really stressed out because of stuff that was happening (which im not goina go into detail about) and then i got really bad cramping followed by blood nd yet again they told me i lost mychild. i cried for ages and still do about the loss of baby # 1 then shortly after baby #2 ... although devistated OH and i decided to keep on TTC in hopes we get a sticky bean sometime.. I miss my LO so much.. Love u for ever and always <3

wow it feels better to get it all out in the open and talk about it ... i never really did with OH before


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## chrissie33

Its quite therapeutic to talk about it with people who have / are experiencing the same as you. Sorry to hear of your losses babe and I hope you get you BFP soon xx


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## nat23b

Hello,
It has really touched my heart reading everybody's heartbreaking stories. I think it is such a great idea for people to be able to share their stories. I have spoken to a number of friends and family since my miscarriage but although they mean well, I think it is very difficult for them to actually comprehend what I was going through. To be able to share my story with people who have actually been through the same thing is incredibly helpful. 

My story started on Tuesday 18th November 2008. I was 10 weeks pregnant and woke up to notice quite a lot of dark brown discharge. I had had some light spotting previously which did last more than a day so I wasn't particularly worried. I went to A&E anyway so I can be reassured that everything was fine. I had 2 internal scans done and was told that they could see the embryo but it looked much smaller than my 10 weeks and it did not have a heartbeat. I was told that either I got my calculations wrong and the embryo was infact only 5-6 weeks old and too young to have a heartbeat or that the embryo had died a few weeks ago. I knew in my heart that I definitely didn't get my calculations wrong and that our baby had died. 

I started bleeding red blood shortly after the scan. The next day, I started having very bad cramps which were getting closer and closer together. I didn't realise at that time that I was having contractions. I passed out the embryo later that evening. It was so strange looking at the thing, it was about 2cm long and still had the sac intact. My OH and I ended up putting it in a jar because we didn't know what else to do with it. It didn't feel right to flush it down the toilet or throw it away. We decided to bury it in our back garden. 

My emotions have been all over the place. I was completely devastated for the first 2 days, crying at the drop of a hat. Today I am feeling better and have come to accept that it wasn't meant to be. I am planning to wait for my next cycle before trying again. 

Nat


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## eclipse

Ok, I'm trying to get the nerve to tell this story, it has been held inside so long. My situation was a tiny bit different from some other stories posted so far.....
I was on birth control for 15 years almost straight. One month I had some bizarre breakthrough bleeding. I didn't really think much of it, but when it came time to have my real period, I didn't get it. I took a test and the line came up as dark as the control line immediately. We didn't really want kids but the minute I saw that line and showed my husband and then our guests in the driveway as they pulled up *heh* my views changed. 

I found a new OB and had an appointment made. I worked in a surgery center at the time and had already told my coworkers and boss because I was so excited. I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood. I immediately called my OB, who I had never seen, and they told me to come over right away (They rock). I went over. They drew blood for the levels and did an exam. My cervix was closed but the doctor said it didn't look good and to come back in two days and check the levels again. Go on bedrest. No work, hope for the best. 

Fast forward to the night before the appointment. The cramps came. I got up in the middle of the night, and sat in the lazyboy...heating pad. Cried my eyes out as the waves hit. Deep down I knew it was over.

Then we went to the appointment. My husband kept saying to think positive. I was basically gone until they brought my test results of blood in which were through the roof. Hope was renewed for both of us, as the score was off the charts. So next step was an ultrasound. We headed over to there and burned forever in my brain is my baby, lifeless at 6 weeks, but my sac 10 1/2 weeks along. Just lying there. Me willing it to move. My doctor said my cervix was still closed but the blood and contractions were ridiculously severe and could be seen on the ultrasound and he said that I would end up at the ER anyway because they weren't doing their job, my body wouldn't let go. He sent me for an emergency d and c because I was already dangerously anemic. As he called for me to be sent to the hospital across the street, my husband and I walked to the parking lot and he just started crying and I lost it. It was one of the worst moments of my life. 

I went for the d and c and it was fine, except for the IV debacle because I was so dehydrated and anemic. I healed quickly, but it took me a long time of grieving. I guess I still am, since I'm crying now. This happened in late 2005, and even though I have my beautiful son, I cannot forget. Lately, its been really hard again, I don't know why. This is a good thread, and I'm sorry I talked so long, but this is a good purging of my soul.


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## jo_79

My world collapsed when i was 29.5 weeks pregnant, by that time it doesnt even enter your mind that anything will go wrong. I already had a 4 year old and this pregnancy was progressing well. All scans were good and i found out i was having another girl. Things progressed great and i was getting all the baby things ready and started to get her room prepared. One night 3 days after xmas 2005 i got up from watching tv cos i needed a wee, to my horror when i stood up i could feel a running sensation on my legs, at first i thought id wet myself!! But it was blood, and lots of it, i panicked and rang my friend to take me to the hospital, i had to speak on the intercom as it was about 10pm and they were so rude to me for not ringing first and that they were very busy and i could only come in if it was an emergency, they let me in after i shouted back at them through my tears. After shoving me in a room with my 2 closest friends supporting me they called out the on call consultant to do an ultrasound, i knew after 5 minutes of him searching that there was no heartbeat, no little white flashing dot on the screen :cry: yet he carried on looking for about 15 minutes only to tell me my baby had died. After being left again i was given tablets to induce labour and told to go home and come back when the pain got really bad that was at 2am. I never slept all night trying to think what the hell had happened and what i had done wrong. I was back in hospital by midday the next day with my best friends beside me. The midwife i had was wonderful and caring and couldnt do enough to help me, i had all the drugs they offered cos i wanted to numb out what was happening. At 5.56 that evening i gave birth to Hollie. She looked perfect, just as if she was sleeping. The midwife stayed on for 4 hours after her shift to make sure i was ok and to deal with everything else. The midwife said to me that the placenta and the cord didnt look as you would expect and asked my permission to send samples off to be tested. They concluded after 6 weeks that the cord had somehow twisted and basically starved my baby of everything she needed. I still blamed myself and couldnt face carrying on with my life but i knew i had to for the sake of my 4 year old daughter. 
My special angel is now buried in the baby memorial garden where i live, i rarely talk about it but its coming up 3 years now and i just want anyone who is in or has been in that situation to know that the pain does heal with time. I havent had another child yet but i am trying now for the first time since then. 
:hug: to everyone x


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## momoftwo

Your story make me very sad! Do not dispare, you will get you sweet baby one day.


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## pecsi9870

hi everyone, I'm new here. I just read your stories and fighting back tears. I guess this is so because I started to m/c on Nov 30th. Here's my story.

DH and I have 2 kids together( dd 12yrs and ds who turns 8 on new year's day). I have an 18 yr dd. We decided to ttc last year feb. I got our bfp in Jan of this year. At my 12 weeks scan, it was seen that i was starting to m/c. Radiologist suggested i m/c on my own. I disagreed and had my D/C done the next morning. This was in March.

We didnt really ttc actively after that. DH said if it was to happen then so be it. However, in Nov. he decided he was ready again. We got a BFP in the second week of Nov. On the 26th I have severe back pains that radiated to my lower abd. No bleeding. On 28th had some brown spotting. Nothing on the 29th. On 30th I was in so much pain I got not lie or sit down, i was up and down the driveway all morning. I had a friend ( a nurse) who i called to give me an injection for pain. Anyway that did not help and I started bleeding actively. My heaviest bleeding was on Dec. 1. I knew i had pass the conceptus and because it was early I did not require a D/C.

I am still feeling nausated, breasts pains ( more than when I was preg) and sometimes lower abd pains. The bleeding has stopped.

We have not yet discussed whether we would try again. DH and I were looking so much to having another LO. I remember during the pains I told him I had had enough! but i would like to get a BFP and a healthy nine months and baby.

You are all in my prayers. thanks for this thread.


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## moomoo

bumping xx


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## susan_1981

Excellent thread to start so that all our stories are in one place.

I found out I was pregnant on 23 October 2008, think I was about 3.5 weeks. I got quite an early BFP. Didn't feel happy or excited though strangely, just felt very shocked and paranoid something would go wrong. We had only been trying from the beginning of August (although not that hard the first month as we were on holiday). Didn't take us long to get pregnant. Obviously, even though I was shocked, I was also happy but I just didn't feel pregnant. My boobs were killing me but that was my only real symptom.

Anyway, I went through the first 12 weeks without any problems (or so I thought). My bump was starting to show from about 6 weeks and I went for my midwife appointment at 10 weeks, she measured my stomach and said I was measuring at the larger end of normal for my stage of pregnancy but it probably only meant I was having one (I thought I might be having twins because I'm a twin and I just felt I looked quite big). 

Then went for my 12 week scan on 23 December 2008 to be told the baby had stopped developing at 7 weeks 2 days. The sac was measuring 12 weeks 2 days. The sonographer said "I'm so sorry, but your baby hasn't developed". When she said this, I just felt like this was a dream and I would wake up. I've never felt like that before. She then got someone else in to confirm it. He came in and rubbed the bottom of my leg(!) and confirmed it. I felt so shocked. I felt like I should be crying but nothing was coming out. The worse thing was looking at my husband's face. 

Afterwards, he told me that he had looked at the screen and saw our little baby and got all excited, just for a tiny moment before we had the bad news. I, on the other hand, had a feeling something wasn't right. She wouldn't turn the monitor round for me to see and I lent up to look and the baby looked so tiny (I had had a 12 week scan before when I was 17 - had that pregnancy terminated for various reasons that were right for me - and I remember the baby being quite big on the screen. She was doing lots of stuff (which I now know was measuring the baby) but I just thought she was trying to enlarge the picture so that it was clearer for us to see. Obviously not the case.

The tears started when I called my mum. She asked me how it went and I said "It didn't go well, my baby's dead". My mum was so shocked and almost in tears (but I had to pass the phone over to my husband at that point because I was crying so hard). Then I had to tell my sister who, again, was really shocked and upset. I had told quite a few people that I was pregnant as I had always loved a drink so I wanted to tell everyone at work before they guessed through me not drinking. I told them about 2 weeks before my scan. I had to text them all and spent most of that night on the phone. Everyone was calling me and was really supportive, although I found it really diffcult to talk about without crying.

I had to go back to the hospital the next day (xmas eve) to discuss my options. They said I could wait a couple of weeks and come back for a scan but I knew there was no point. I hadn't got my dates confused and the sac was measuring 12 weeks and my baby was only measuring 7 so I knew it was over. I decided for an ERPC which I had done the next available day which was 29 December. In the meantime, the doctor at the hospital said I had to go down for another blood test for the ERPC in case I lost a lot of blood. Sat in the waiting room there and couldn't stop cryiing. I thought people were probably looking at me tinking I'd been diagnosed with something incurable. 

I went in for my ERPC on Monday 29th. Thought I had cried my last tears but they started again as I was being wheeled down. My mum and husband were with me. Next thing I remember is waking up at 10.30am, an hour after I'd been put to sleep. They let me go home at 12.30pm. The nurses were so supportive, kept telling me how it shouldn't be happening to me and they were so sorry, this made me cry more but was nice at the same tme.

Anyway, a few days on, my bleeding is really minimal and I feel so much more positive. From the day I found out I was pregnant, I didn't feel it and I couldn't imagine ever having this baby. I still wonder if it was a sign that I knew something wasn't right. I suppose I'll never know.

Now, I feel a lot more hopeful about the future. I'm 27 so have plenty of time to try again and hopefully next time it'll be a happy experience, even if this means throwing up every day from the word go. I don't care. The more symptoms I have the better. I really didn't have any apart from the sore boobs, but that seemed to disappear about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

I'm back at work on 7 January which will be hard as last time I was there, I was leaving early for my scan but I'm hopeful 2009 will bring me lots of baby dust and good luck. Sorry for going on, I feel like the last 12 weeks have been the longest of my life xxx


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## susan_1981

Also, just to add, it also helps me to talk about it on here. My husband is very much a person who likes to hide his feelings and I know he doesn't really like talking about it, whereas it's all I seem to want to do. I always thought before me and my husband got married that he didn't have emotions because he never showed any, until I saw a tiny little tear in his eye on our wedding day. That's when I knew he was human O:)


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## JAS

I am not exactly sure how to post my story, so I hope I've done it correctly. I've never felt compelled to talk about myself on forums but I experienced a m/c yesterday and I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. So here is my story. My husband and I were married in August of this year and we decided to have children right away. I was shocked and happy at how quickly we conceived (within 2.5 months). It was the most exciting news for the both of us. I'll never forget how excited he was when I told him the tests had come back positive. For the next few weeks everything was wonderful, I started to show, I was really sick but I kept thinking that my little baby was growing inside of me and it reassured me. On Sunday December 28, at 2PM I noticed a small amount of red blood. I called a friend of mine who tried to reassure me, as she had bled in the first trimester and had gone on to have a healthy child. I then called the Healthline where a nurse advised me that unless I was experiencing cramps (which I wasn't) and the bleeding appeared to be spotting (which it was), I didn't need to go to the hospital, but I should see my GP within 24 hours. I called in to work on Monday and made an appointment with my GP. Because of the holidays, my GP was not able to get me an emergency ultrasound and she recommended the best way to get one fast was to go to the ER. I immediately called my mom who took me to the ER and sat with me for 8 hours. When I finally got in, at 8PM the ultrasound people had gone home for the night and I was not able to get one. However, the ER doctor performed a pelvic exam and instructed me to come back the following morning for an u/s. I knew for certain on Monday night I was experiencing a miscarriage, as the bleeding was much stronger and I was starting to clot. My husband and my mom tried to reassure me, but I knew in my heart we had lost our baby. I returned to the hospital on the morning of the 30th and had my u/s first thing. I had to wait in the ER to meet with the dr. who would give me the results. I sat in the ER for another 4 hours before I was able to get a room - if I had had any doubts up to that point, I knew for certain - if it had been good news, they would have just put in an open bed in the hallway, rather than waiting for a private room. There was one specific nurse who was wonderful and recognized me from the previous evening. She came and gave me a hug. Once the doctor had informed that I had indeed lost my baby, the OBGYN on call came in and advised us that since I was in my 11th week, I had to have a D/C. I was immediately admitted and taken up to day surgery where I had to wait for an opening in one of the operating rooms. The nurses up in D-S arranged for a counsellor to come and speak with me - I thought that was extremely helpful. I have already arranged for further counselling in the hopes that this can help calm my fears of having another miscarriage. 
I am feeling like a rollercoaster of emotions. I got home last night at 7PM and I felt I could take on the world, until about 2AM when my world crumbled around me... Nights are the hardest right now. I feel extremely brave during the day - I even had the courage to explain to my stepdaughter what happened and I have managed to tell most of the folks we had told, but there is something about the night time that is so difficult. 
We had picked out a name and bought a ton of baby stuff. Nearly all the clothing we purchased, I am okay with recycling for our next child, with the exception of a pair of shoes and a build-a-bear bear that I had specificallly made for "this baby". I wish I knew how to better deal with my feelings and I wish I had a plan of attack - I am trying hard to be strong for my husband because he falls apart whenever I do. 
I am sorry my post was so long, but I just needed to get my thoughts out. 
My thoughts and prayers are with all of you at this time.


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## Orange lady

Hi girls,
Here's what happened to me. 
I found out I was pregnant on 5th November. I was about 5-6 weeks I think. We had only been trying for about 2 months so were thrilled and really shocked when I did the first test. I felt pretty well at first and everyone kept commenting on how well I looked, but no one could put their fingers on why. I remember feeling like I was glowing, and felt really peaceful. 

We were due to have all family round for Xmas and Boxing day this year, and my NHS scan wasn't til 30th Dec. So we decided to pay for a private scan before Xmas so we could date it properly and then tell family at Xmas. 

The day of the scan arrived and for weeks prior I was dreading it. Not excited as my friend said I should be. When we arrived at the place both my husband and I didn't want to go in. It was weird. Well they did the scan, with a probe. The woman faffed about finding and measuring my ovaries, which I thought was weird. But then she found the baby. I remember seeing it there on the screen, little head, peanut shape thing. She then said nothing. Nothing for about 5 minutes. Then another woman came in. She twisted the thing inside me loads of times, and eventually told us that the baby had no heartbeat and had died at 8 weeks. I still had all the symptoms of pregnancy. But for the 2 weeks prior to my scan, I felt really poorly, and really moody. The only way I can describe it is to say it was like I was under a cloud. I cried in the place, just a bit. Then we were sent to A&E.

A&E said I probably had a missed miscarriage. My body still thinks we're growing a baby but the baby has died. They scheduled a scan for 2 days after. The NHS ladies were great, they did the same scan and I knew from when I saw their faces that there was no doubt. Secretly we were hoping there had been a terrible mistake and that the scan place just weren't able to find the heartbeat. But no.

I had an ERPC 4 days later. They gave me drugs to soften my cervix, which was the most painful thing ever. Only afterwards I was told it was similar to labour pains but I had no painkillers. Physically I felt better straight away, and 3-4 days later my symptoms went. That was 2 weeks ago. 

I feel a little better now, but still look terrible! My poor body needs to catch up a bit. I'm gutted for my baby. I loved it, even if it was only 2cm long! My husband and I do want to try again, but we are waiting for my next cycle first. I need to feel well again. I am dreading the same happening again. Everyone around me is having trouble free pregnancies, but I failed to grow my baby properly. It's stupid but I do feel responsible. 

We told our close family anyway in the end and it has helped. Only then you find out how many people have had the same experiences. But it's brushed under the carpet.


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## megan16

i found out i was pregnant when i was 6 weeks gone .we was so excited because it had taken so long for us to get pregnant 4 years everything was ok for a week then i went to the toilet i found that i was bleeding red blood we went to a & e to be reassured that everything was ok they booked me in for a scan on sat morning .i had a internal scan everthing was ok we saw the heartbeat and was told my due date it was the same due date as my first childs 14 feb we was so pleased .we then came home and told all our family .the bleeding stop and for the next 3 weeks everything was ok .then i got up one morning when i should have been nearly ten weeks to find i was bleeding again red blood not a lot just enough to go on toilet paper but not on nickers i also had no pain .i went to the doctors and he booked me in for a scan .we had to wait a couple of days for the scan the bleeding never stop but was still only enough to go on toilet paper .i had to have another internal scan she was taken ages and i new something was wrong she then said i am really sorry i cant find a heartbeat she said the baby had dead at 9 weeks .i had a erpc they gave me the first lot of tablets then and was told to go back 2 days later for the tablet that soften the cervix by this time i was crying .then i had to go and have some blood taken .the next two days was bad i kept thinking the baby would come out and go down the toilet this was the one thing i did not want to happen .on the sunday we went back to the hospital and they put the last lot of tablets on my cervix .within the hour i start to get contractions they was so painful then about another hour later i needed to go to the toilet they was a bed pan on the toilet i then felt the baby come out then i looked down and saw my baby the nurse then came and check to make sure it had all come away .i was bleeding a lot then i pass a big clot and was told to lay on the bed .the nurse came in and went though all the paper work and told me what they do with the baby .then about 2 hours later i left the hospital and went home .the next day at night i had really bad pain so went back to doctors they booked me in for a scan at 12.30 we then went back up to the hospital for the scan the scan area is where pregnant woman have their 20 week scan i was so angry i sat their waiting 30 minutes pass i was still sat their with all the pregnant woman i then got up went to the reception and asked way i was till sat here when my app was at 12.30 she said the doctors do not start till 1.00 i then went mad and said why make app for 12.30 then i had never been so mad .they then got the doctor to see me had another scan everything looked ok .i left the hospital so mad .its nice to have some body to talk to other then my husband .sorry if its gone on two long lisa xxx


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## Stanny

It has been nearly a week since we lost Bobba our nick name for the baby.

I was 11 weeks 1 day when it was confirmed that I was losing Bobba.
It started on christmas day 2008, I had a tiny stain of dirty brown blood in my underwear. We had cooked dinner and had everyone round, my first alcohol free christmas. I instantly felt anxious and sat at the table and told my Mum, nobody else was there. Not long after everyone began to go and I went straight to bed.
In the morning boxing day there was a bit more dirty blood, so i decided to lie down all day as I thought maybe I had done too much leading up to christmas, as our new settee didn't arrive till xmas eve and the tree was only done that night, all a rush really. I text one of my mates and she said not to worry with it being dirty blood it can happen. She is 4 weeks in front of me with her pregnancy.
That evening I got ready and went to my Mum and Dad for meal, we were also due to go to a party after. My stomach didn't feel right and I had more dirty blood, so I told mum and dad I didn't want to go to party, we came home and I went to bed with a water bottle as it felt like period pains.

When I woke up on Saturday 27th December my PJs had red blood in them and blood was coming out when I went to the toilet, I shouted to my partner and we both got ready to go to the hospital. 

I went straight through A&E they did blood tests and sent me to EPAU. The Gynaecologist was lovely, she did an internal and said there was lots of blood and took what I thought were swobs until after she told me, she was helping the clots away which were the baby.
She lowered me down and said, Do you know what is happening" to which I said, "am I losing the baby" to which she replyed "yes" and got hold of my leg.
They kept me in for a couple of hours to make sure I didn't lose too much blood and feel faint. Over the next few days I had waves of pain and blood with clots coming out. It has calmed down alot and I am due back on Monday for a scan to make sure everything has come away naturally, I don't want a D&C to top it off.
We managed to enjoy New year as we had a trip planned to London this has helped with our grief. But time will tell, I hope I never go through this again and have a healthy baby next time we conceive and lets hope it is soon.

Love to everyone. We now how precious conception and babies are after going through a miscarriage. I am missing Bobba in my belly....xxx


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## born2Bmama

Hi All,

I am new to the boards but am so grateful for a chance to get my story out. I have been keeping much of it inside for many years. I am so sorry for all of the losses you have all had to experiece and I hope that by sharing my story it will bring some kind of support to others. I have two very different experiences so I appologize if it gets long.

My story begins in Jan 2004. My DH and I had been married just over a year when we started ttc. We were being pretty casual about it so it took about six months, but just after Christmas we got a positive test and where so excited. We told all of our family right away and I started making plans for a nursery and shopping for baby things. It never accured to me that the pregnancy wouldn't go well. I was 23, healthy and no one I knew had experienced m/c so why would it happen to me. Everything seemed to be going well. I had all of the symptoms. Looking back though we couldn't hear the heartbeat at my first OB appt. My doctor said it was probably to early but now I am not so sure. I was exactly 13 weeks when I woke up on a Sat. morning and saw a little pink on the tissue. I thought maybe I had a UTI since I had issues with that in the past. I decided to wait a little to be sure before I called my Dr. As the morning went on I started to feel a little crampy. When I went to the bathroom again it was apparent that I was actually spotting and I got scared. I paged my doctor and she told me to take it easy and keep my feet up. Hopefully, it was nothing. I continued to have mild cramping throughout that evening, but I think our minds have a way of protecting us and I continued to believe everything would be ok. By the next Sun. morning the spotting had gotten darker and the cramps a little worse so I called my Dr. again and she told us to meet her at the clinic so we could check things out. My DH drove me to the clinic and as I walked into the exam room I felt a gush of blood and I knew then it was over. I fell apart in me DH arms. My Dr. confirmed I had lost the baby and I was devistated. :hissy: She sent us home with a perscription for pain meds to finish naturally at home. It was really painful and scary but I was lucky that it went quickly. It was over by that afternoon and we were left to pick up the pieces of our broken dreams and grieve for the baby we already loved so much. It was very difficult to handle the grief. Our family and friends didn't understand what we were going through and the support we needed wasn't there. We had nothing to hold on to no momentos. We didn't even know the sex of our baby so coming up with a name has never felt right. I internalized much of what I was feeling and isolated myself. It was just to painful to see others close to us all having perfect pregnancies and babies at that time and not even have my baby acknowleged. The solution for me was to get pregnant again as soon as possible. This time I got proactive and took the ovualtion tests because every time a month went by I was devistated all over again. I was just so ready to be a mother.

Thankfully, we concieved again around the time our first baby was due. Our son Aidan was born healthy & full-term in June of 2005. We were again blessed with the birth of our daughter Sienna in March of 2007. 

We decided to ttc again in June 2008 and got pregnant on the first try. From the start everything went well. We had an ultrasound at 13 weeks to get accurate dates. The baby was perfect and the right size. I could already see all the fingers and facial features. We had made it past the critical 1st trimester and we thought we could count on this pregancy ending well. We had another ultrasound at 20 weeks, again everything was great, right on track for the due date, and we found out we were most likely having another little girl we couldn't be sure because she was so active they couldn't get a good look. We were so happy with the idea of another girl and started to feel our family was complete. We even picked out a name that we both loved a huge accomplishment for us. I saw my Dr. a couple weeks later and again she was very active and her heartbeat was strong. I will never know what happened in the next two weeks but everything was about to change. We were 24 weeks along on a Thrs. I decided to lay down to rest and thought it was unusual that I wasn't feeling her move as she usually did whenever I laid down. I told my DH when he got home but neither of us knew if we should be concerned it had only been a short while and they don't even tell you to track movements until 28 weeks. So we decided to call our Dr. the next morning. They got me in later that Fri. morning just to "check things out". Again, I think my brain was protecting me because even though deep down I knew the worst was possible I really didn't let myself believe it. I even went to the Dr. by myself while my DH was at work. Unfortunately, my Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat with the doplar and I started to panic. They encouraged me to have hope and they schedualed a ultrasound and called my DH. We were together when the ultrasound confirmed there was no heartbeat. Our little girl had died. :hissy: I can't even put into words my reaction. We were sent to the hospital and given the option to induce labor or wait for it to happen naturally which could take up to 2 weeks since she had just passed away in the last couple days. I knew I couldn't live that long knowing she was gone inside me so we decided to induce labor that afternoon. I just could not believe what I was doing. What had happened? 

Our daughter, Mikayla, was born on Saturday, November 22, 2008 at 24 weeks. She was 1lb 3oz. and 11 in long. She was perfect in every way. We will never know for sure why she passed away, though there was a blood clot in the placenta that may have been the cause. I am grateful for the time we had to hold her & to name her. And I am thankful that this time I have pictures and footprints and other momentos to hold onto. We decided to have her cremated and we held a funeral service for her with our close family and that has been an incredibly healing experience. This time we feel we have the right to grieve and be more open with what we are going through. Thankfully, everyone has been so much more supportive this time around but as more time passes the less I feel can go to them. So I am happy to have found this site.


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## StaceyStepmom

I didnt think i would have the courage to write about my miscarriage but Im glad i have this site to support me with all you kind people. :hug:

I found out I was pregnant in June,and my fiancee was overjoyed as was I...this was our first together! It all came crashing down when I started to get some bleeding around my 11 week mark...I went to the walk in clinic as I couldnt get in to see my own doctor and he did an internal and told me i have a 50/50 chance of keeping it and he ordered for a emergency ultrasound in the city the next day. So off we went, my fiancee and I had hopes that everything was gunna be okay..i waited in the room and the doctor walked in, as soon as he did the internal ultrasound...he told me that I lost the baby :(:cry: So, hearing this we drove all the way back home (2 hours) and just cried....I was bleeding soo heavy so they finally decided to do a D & C so it would "clean" me out they said. After they did that surgury..I left so empty and lost. Worst feeling in the world! 

Since my Miscarriage in september 2008, My first period was November 29th and it lasted like 2 weeks...super super heavy! and then it went away and came back December 27th and Today (january 30th)...Im still bleeding!! No dr knows whats wrong with me, Ive been to 3 doctors!! They did do another ultrasound and I did find out I have a bicornuate uterus which they are saying is why I miscarried (not enough blood to the baby) and it is a little tough to carry a baby to full term but my dr also told me that if I am on Prometrium then its possible that I can carry to the full term. Anyways....thank you for letting me tell my story! :hug:


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## faun

This is my story i had two children really easily with no problems so thought that this one would be the same. 
The first time i m/c'd was the day before my 12 week scan *sorry if this scares anyone*.
It was about 9pm and i went to the toilet i thought wow this is a long wee as it wouldn't stop after 3 or 4 mins i looked into the toilet and it was blood. I was bleeding really heavily like someone had turned a tap on with large clots my hubby rang nhs direct and they said i was loosing the baby and if the bleeding didn't stop to go to A&E. I didn't want to go as i thought it would stop after sitting on the toilet for an hour bleeding constantly my hubby dragged me into the car and took me to hospital. I am very pleased he did as i was just going to sit there for as long as it took i was told at the hospital if i had done this i would have bled to death. When i got there they put me in a side room and monitored my loss at 4am i was rushed into theatre for an emergency d&c as i had lost so much blood they had to make it stop. In theatre i had to have 6 pints of blood given to me and i died on the table due to massive blood loss and had to be brought back. I was very weak for weeks afterwards as i had severe anemia due to the massive blood loss.I was so grateful just to be alive that i didn't really mind about loosing the baby.
The second m/c i was about 10 weeks when i started spotting two days later i lost the baby at home and it was all over very quickly with hardly any bleeding.
The third m/c i went to my twelve week scan and the nurse said i am really sorry but there is a sac but no baby i had a blighted ovum. This one devestated me as i had got to the scan and thought everything would be fine. A year on i am pregnant again and hopefully this one will be a sticky bean.


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## Drazic<3

Hope you dont mind girls, but i removed a little of my story. Somethings are too painful to be reminded of :hugs:


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## Las78

I'm so sorry to all of you, miscarriage and stillbirth is such a devastating experience.

I'm on to day 3 after my miscarriage, I'm hoping writting about it might take some of the pain away or at least let me move on from the past 7 horrible weeks.

I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks, baby wasn't planned although we had toyed with the idea of another one on and off we hadn't made any decisions, having 3 girls between us we both did really want to try for a son. We were a little apprehensive at first for financial and several other reasons although it wasn't long before we were telling everyone I was pregnant and happy it had happened.

A couple of weeks later I started spotting, didn't think much of it and it was gone the next day. I was sent for a scan just to make sure and that was classed as my dating scan, I was 10weeks and 3 days. We saw our baby for the first time and it was amazing. Baby appeared to be doing well andthey picked up low lying placenta but not to worry as this normally moves up by 20 weeks, they would keep a check on me though.

The next few weeks passed in a bit of a blur, starting bleeding, into hospital, scans, internals, all the rest of it, each time baby in no distress, growing well. The latest lot of bleeding last week was heavier and there were quite large clots and I was conviced the pain I was feeling were mild contractions, I was now getting concerned, back into hospital, this time they say I have a chronic Haemotoma, a pool of blood under the womb, I'm signed off work for 2 weeks to take it easy. I read up on the internet all about it and in most cases pregnancy continues fine with bleeding but no other problems except possible early labour.
I have stronger contractions over the next 2 days, Dr says it's probably just my body expelling the blood, I feel slightly reassured.
Friday morning, feel a gush of blood, had this before, not too concerned, call the midwife and ask for an appointment that afternoon more for reassurance and to hear baby's heartbeat than anything. Drop the girls at school and drive home, feel a huge contraction, praying for traffic lights to change. Looking back I should have known what was happening at this point, felt that real pressure just before babys born, didn't think anything of it at the time, got home ran to the loo and lots of blood, several clots, I looked down to see what was going on and there was my baby hanging out of me, I just remember saying Oh God about 10 times before reaching for my phone for an ambulance. I called directory enquiries!!! Luckily they put me straight through. The paramedics were here within 5 minutes and an ambulance not far behind. They did all the checks and got me straight in the ambulance to hospital. I could feel baby against my legs, I was ever so careful not to move in case I hurt him, still hoping despite being told to expect the worst, that he may just make it - I was 17 weeks 5 days, in reality there was no hope I just didn't want to accept it.
I got to A&E and put on drips and prepared for transfusion in case necessary, had the gynae's all round me for what seemed like ages. They eventually agreed to cut the cord, I can't explain how devastating those few seconds were, till then I had my baby safely close to me, then he was taken away.
I was taken up the wards after this and went through several internals and scans as the placenta was still intact and not moving. They tried to pull at it but nothing, then they gave me an injection to try and move it naturally, nothing, I eventually went into theatre for a D&C, I wish this had happened straight away instead of being drawn out. Despite this the doctors were all amazing.
The nurses were lovely but kept talking about buriel, post mortems etc, it was all too much to deal with. We decided to see our baby later that day, he was beautiful, so tiny yet so perfect. We chose not to have a post mortem, we have one child together and did not feel the need to see if it was anything genetic and besides he was too perfect to touch, we wanted him left that way.
We had him blessed and named him Ryan Peter, we will bury him at a woodland buriel park.
We left the hospital at 10pm, I walked away feeling very lost, very cheated, very angry that my baby was not coming with us.
It's been a very hard few days. I am so grateful for my daughters who have kept me going, this has made me realise just how precious they all are and for my other half who has been by my side throughout this whole ordeal and supported me amazingly, I have remembered why I love him so very much.
I'm hoping it will start to get easier sometime, I don't know how or when but just take each day at a time and not a minute passes where I don't think of my little baby boy asleep.

Thanks for reading.


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## seasaw

Hi all, here is my story....

Last year we were not TTC but not taking any precautions. I had my yearly smear (since they discovered pre cancer cells) and discovered I had BV. I was treated for that and off we went on holiday.
My period was due in the last two days of the trip but there was no sign. I just put it down to the flight etc.
A week late and I decided to test, I don't know why as I had no other symptoms and as we were not trying and it was not on my mind every moment of the day as it is now! But I tested and it was positive, this was Wednesday and 1 week 4 days late.
I tired to work out how far gone as the period prior to the holiday was very short and was a funny colour and more like a brown discharge. I had put that down to the pills for the BV but now I was thinking ,may be it was implantation.
I was giving myself a range of 5 to 8 weeks.
I made an appointment for the Friday to see the doctor.
Friday came and I had some small bleedng when I wiped. I was worrid but as I was seeing the doctor later I thought I would discuss that then.
I went to the doc's and he seemed quite un-interested and just gave me a number for the mid wife and told me to call and speak to her.
I called the mid wife and expalined abut the bleeding and that I was worrid because 3 years prior I had a cycst on my tube, which was not picked up untill I collapsed and had to have emergency surgery, also I have had pre cancer cells removed in the past so my down stairs area has given me lots of worry over the years.
The mid wife made me an appointment for the Sunday for an early scan.
Over the weekend I began to bleed more. I was to go out with my family as it was my birthday weekend and I was trying to get on with things. One visit to the toilet produced alot of blood and I went home.
First thing in the morning I went for my early scan at the clinic. They did a test which was positive but the internal scan showed nothing but a mass near my right ovary.
They took blood and made me wait 5 hours there for the results.
The count came back as around 121 but they wanted to do an internal exam. They looked inside and saw I was closed but alot of blood.
I was admitted and was told more blood was to be taken the next day (my birthday!)
It's the monday now and more blood taken and I was told my count had dropped to around 98. I was losing less blood now but I had bad dragging pains. I knew I had lost what ever was there.
Tuseday came and i was discharged and told to come back on the Thursday for more blood tests.
Thursday:- bloods taken and told they will call later with results. Called and results were now 86. Had to go back on Sunday for more bloods as they were not dropping quick or low enough.
Sunday:- Bloods taken and results showed 100 or so. 
They were now confused. Went back on Tuesday and had more bloods, they stayed the same. Another internal scan showed nothing. I had stopped bleeding now.
Lots of doctors and nurses were talking and I was there 7 hours until I was advised I was a mystery. They said they could see no pregnancy but were unsure if the mass they saw may have been an ectopic but as I had no pains as you would have with ectopic they ruled that out. I had a choice:- open me up and have a look and poss D&C or have an injection of Methatrexate ( excuse spelling ). I took the shot and went home.
No more bleeding after that even though they said I would as it will bring what ever is left out of me.
I had to go back to the hospital every Sunday morning for a month untill my blood was down to nil!

Eventually they did and I was told not to TTC for 6 months due to the shot stripping my folic acid.

My cycle was odd for a while and I missed a period but now I am regular again and I am back on board.

It is tough going through a m/c and lots of emotions are floating about. But I think what was meant to be etc. I am now more aware of my body and what it is doing and I know that when it's time it will stick.

Hugs to all.

xx


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## moomoo

Bump xx


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## babybuffy84

Ok this is my story.

So we decided to start TTC in october 2008 fell pregnant in december 2008,from day 1 i was kind of paranoid that it was too good to be true as i had fell pregnant so quickly.So i booked in for an early reassurance scan at a pivate scan place when i went they said oh your only measuring 5 +1 when i thought i should have been 7+2 they could only see the pregnancy sac so they said come back in 2 weeks.
We returned 2 weeks later for another scan by this point my pregnancy sac measured 21mm but they couldnt see any signs off a baby or pole and said to go straight to my doc.The next morning went straight to the docs who ordered some bloods done 48 hours apart they were showing as normal they werent dropping but they were rising slowly i then had to wait a week as i was due to have my 10 week scan the following monday so went for my 10 weeks nhs scan and yet again there was nothing there and i was diagnosed as having a blighted ovum.
My sac was still growing even though there was no baby,i then had to wait another week to get an appt at the epu where they did another scan and confirmed my MMC then had to make the decision of which option i wanted but they said the best option was the d&c as my body wasnt going to miscarry normally.
That was 6 weeks ago tomorrow and i miss our gorgeous little 'pip' everyday.
When i woke from theatre the first thing i remembered was dreaming about my baby and i saw my grandad carrying him away all wrapped up in a big blue blanket :hissy: so we think that our baby was a boy.
I will always miss my baby he is in my thoughts everyday and will never ever be forgotten.
Thanks for letting me share my story:hug:


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## rachjim98

So sorry for all of your losses and thanks for sharing your stories ... 


:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:


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## AP

We decided to TTC in December 2008. I came off the pill immediatley, and just carried on like rabbits like normal.

Three months later I tested positive. i only tested because sods law says that if you test, AF comes the next day, and i wanted AF to move her arse before I started my new job a few days later.

A few weeks later, (about 6 weeks) I started to bleed. At the very same time, all my symptoms came to a huge halt. my boobs no longer hurt and i no longer felt queasy. I suddenly felt 'normal' . Normal, well, hard to describe, but I no longer felt pregnant.

The bleed was little, but red.

I knew straightaway it could mean the worse. It got a little heavier the next morning, so I called NHS 24 and they suggested i head for the A & E.

I arrived at the A £ E and was rushed to a ward. they asked for a urine sample immediatley and once they took that, i was wheelchaired (I know, I felt silly) to the EPU dept.

The EPU made me wait for flippin ages so they could squeeze me in, but i eventually got a scan and they couldnt see too much going on - they were concerned it was too early to see anything.

I returned to the EPU about a week later with my gay cousin - my OH had to work.

I was getting an external when they asked me to have an internal. i had to get me trousers off and have an internal next to my gay cousin, and he never said a thing, the poor soul! Obv the dept assumed he was my OH! i was in good humour about it - I guess i had just accepted what was going on.

Then I had it confirmed that i had a blighted ovum - where the sac grows but theres no fetal pole. Well if there was a fetal pole, it wasnt there now. i went home and creid to myself.

The midwives suggested i have the D & C. but I was going on holiday in a week and thats when they could book me in. So i said i'd try natural and they still said it wasnt a good idea for me to go on holiday, especially with the flight.

i was in no pain. Ok, maybe an odd cramp, but my periods were worse. i had clots though.

I went on the holiday, against their wishes, and the bleeding was still like a period, with clots. i drank plenty alcohol and fluids and it was pretty crap to be on holiday and to be too scared to wear a bikini. I did manage a bikini for an hour or so, I used a tampon for an hour and changed again to pads straight away.

After 4 weeks of beginning to bleed, I returned to the EPU for my final scan and HCG blood tests, where they told me there was only a little bit of blood left. By the time I got home, I'd passed that blood, and was pretty much done.

My second miscarriage was much more early. A CB digi did have me wondering, as the test would not move from 1-2 weeks when i should have been 5 weeks.(so it should have displayed 2-3 at least) I started to bleed quickly, just like a period. A scan the next day showed nothing, i felt like a right fraud. They eventually took my blood, which was simply at 12, which confirmed a failed pregnancy.

5 weeks later i got my current bfp. So it can happen.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## AP

orange lady said:


> only then you find out how many people have had the same experiences. But it's brushed under the carpet.

so true!


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## Csunshine013

Just want to say You Are All my Hero's!
Ok so I have been putting off writing our story in hopes that I could forget.
Well I haven't so here is our story. 
We were married Aug. 08 and had a really great time bd'n for bfp and by Dec we got it. I was really amazed at it had been almost 10 years since I had been pregnant with dd. I knew right away that I was and tested the eve before af was due. I told my dh that I didn't know for sure and that we would test first thing in the morning. Yes we were, I was so excited and he was really trying to adjust. He grew more excited as the days moved by and my body started to show. 
It was my second normal visit to the gyno and didn't think anything of it. I was gaining the weight he said I should and not at a rapid state. I had already heard the heartbeat twice so I didn't think anything about it as we were in the second trimester now at 15w+5d. The dr gyno entered and tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't locate it so had me go down the hall all the while telling me not to panic yet. I of coarse already knew as it was very easy to find the heartbeat the first two times. I went into the room and he did the u/s and no heartbeat in my little one. At this point I was very upset and cried and just left the office. I had to phone back to find out when my appt was the next day. I then called my mom first and she wasn't there. I called my dh and really don't remember what he said just that was not what I wanted to hear and yelled at him and called him some not nice words and told him off. He was at work and out of town and couldn't be home with me and I was angry to have to go through all these emotions alone. I finally calmed down when he called back and told me he would be home shortly after 5pm mind you it was about 10:45am. I was very upset that the dr couldn't do anything right then and am so glad now that I was made to wait. The next day I went back to office for u/s to verify and yes heard that sad news once again. Dr then did an amnio to see if any tests that they could run would give us reason as to why this happened. It was very painful and I don't wish this procedure on anyone and wouldn't choose to have this again. After 3 needles we finally got enough fluid to run tests that in the end didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know. I was made to wait until Monday Mar. 8 to check into the hospital to have my m/c induced. When I walked in I had come to terms with what had to happen and my night shift nurses were wonderful in explaining what was going to happen and that it may take a while. I didn't expect it to happen at the middle of shift change when the new shift was arriving. I was not a good patient as I woke up about 5am with severe cramps. I got up about 45min later to use the bathroom just thinking I would pee. I started to walk and it had started bright red blood everywhere. I pulled the cord in the bathroom so I could get my nurse there and they all came. 5 three nurses and 2 students. This was not the time for this and I told them. Here I was sitting on the toilet over a hat to catch the baby and 3 new faces staring at me. I made everybody but my two nurses and it happened. My sweet little girl came out. I was then walked to my bed and told to expect the rest to follow. When the dr came about hour later and cut the cord the rest was not ready to come. He showed me and my dh our little girl and she was perfectly formed with fingers and toes eyes ears nose and mouth. Just precious. I then waited for another hour and still nothing so they sent me down to surgery for d&c. I was very disappointed in the staff in pre-op as one of them asked oh just gave birth whatcha have. HUH! I just looked at the anesth lady I said just make sure you knock me all the way out! She did and when I woke up it was done. I went back to my room and had to stay for the day as just had surgery and was hooked up to pictocin. On Monday it will be 4wks I am finally starting to be myself and looking forward to the future. I have wonderful pictures from the hospital staff and have appologized for my actions and they all said they would have acted the same way. I felt humilitated and depressed but very grateful to be able to share my story here. We are off to try again as soon as af shows. Sorry so long, just nice to be able to finally tell someone. Thank you for reading.


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## rachjim98

Hey everyone this is from the post I did about 3 weeks after we lost our little girl Rebecca Ann. I didn't realize there as another post going around like this. Hope you don't mind I added mine to this?
I have come along way since I first wrote this and I owe a lot of this to all of you wonderful women on this site.THANKS SO MUCH!!:hugs: 


Hello everyone, my name is Rachael and my family and I have just went threw the loss of our little girl. We were 19 + 5 weeks when we found out we lost her, Rebecca Ann is what we named her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and was amazed to find so many other people that have experienced this as well. So here is my story. I hope it can help someone else, as well as help me to talk about it.

On Tuesday November 18th 2008 we went in for our 20wk ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and the nurse was acting weird she didn't turn the monitor my way or anything. She asked what Dr. I was seeing today, well I was under the impression this was just a u/s appointment I told her. She left the room for 10 minutes and came back with my Dr. He says how have you been feeling, has the baby been kicking? I was feeling sick to my stomach and tired but fine. I thought I had felt the baby softly but I had also brought that up in my last appointment I didn't feel her kick so much. 
Then he turns the monitor our way and this is how he let us know. Well there is the spin looks like a train track and there is the chest and as you can see there is no heartbeat. Then he proceeds to tell us that the baby was measuring between 18 and 19 wks ( I was 19+5 at the time) I didn't hear anything else, he could of told me the world was about to end and I think I would of took it better. We were then told we had to go to the hospital and be induced and decide what we wanted to have done with her remains. 

Well I was ready to hurt everyone in that room we didn't even have a name yet and all the sudden I have to decide NO!! This wasn't suppose to happen, I am healthy I have done this before (2 beautiful Kids 9yr old girl and 6yr old boy) WHY WHY WHY??? That is all I I Could hear in my head. My Husband holding my hand so softly but with a crack in his voice asked what do you mean, she hasn't had any cramping other then (Braxton Hicks) or bleeding what went wrong? But nobody has answers all they kept saying was we are sorry and it wasn't anything you did. Why do I feel like it was something I did or something I could of done to stop this from happening.

On Wednesday Nov 19th I went to the hospital to be induced and I had to sign this paper that said Fetal Demise Induction and I lost it.. as I am right now writing this. The nurse her name was Kim and she was wonderful, took me and Jim to the room. She told me they will be putting a purple flower on the door so everyone will know what is going on in the room. I was giving a pill on my cervix to help dilate me and given one to take by mouth as well.I was offered pain medicine if I would like. 

Through out the day Kim would ask us questions on if we would like to hold the baby when she comes or them take her away clean her up then bring her back. Jim was against seeing the baby I think because he was scared ( he wont admit that). I wasn't sure what I wanted to do this was all so unreal to me. I just cant believe I am going through this I cried a lot of the time. Jim had to leave and go get our children from school so I was alone but Kim was a great help. 
We live out of state from all our family so Jim had to bring our kids back to the hospital with him. I tell you what that hospital made us feel so comfortable and they even had a nurse's assistant take our little ones in a separate room and took care of them while my husband and I was going thru this horrible time. I cant thank them enough for all the help and support the offered and gave. 

At 8:30 pm I gave birth to our tiny little girl Sweet Rebecca, I looked over at Jim and he said she is so little he could see her, I tried to look but then the nurse covered her little body so all I seen was butt and legs. Jim cut the cord and the Dr. took her out of the room. Kim came back in about 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to see her. YES I WANT TO SEE HER. I still wish I could have never let her go. They took pictures of Rebecca and she gave me the clothes she put her in. We also got footprints and the blanket she was put on to take the pictures. In the pictures you don't see her face just her little body, hands and feet. I got all of this in a purple keepsake box they gave us. We did tell our 9yr old that her little sister turned into a angel so now we have a little angel looking over us all the time.

That weekend we had her cremated and brought her home in a beautiful flowered urn. This is still so fresh, I go back this week to have my follow up and hopefully they can tell me what went wrong. The Dr. at the hospital says it looks genetic her legs were not proportionate with the rest of her body. Everyone was helpful in their way, but kept saying you have 2 beautiful kids. Yes well I love my kids and I loved this baby and I really wanted to have this baby. We will not be trying again, I have already made up my mind I cant go through this again. I feel so empty my heart aches. We will count our blessings we have 2 happy and healthy kids and we now have a beautiful angel watching over us, we will meet again one day.

This is a very hard road to walk down and I wish that nobody ever had to walk this road. To all of us who have traveled this road I am truly sorry for all the pain that comes with this. May our angels fly together! Thanks for listening to me.


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## hoping4miracl

This is a good idea so I can get this off my chest. 

Here is goes ok we started to talk about ttc and we said we would wait till after xmas 07 but ended up getting pregnant out of the blue and I was so happy but started to bleed and after getting my bloods back my levels were dropping and I was so devasted and never thought in a million years that this would happen to me this was nov 07 then we were trying and the month we weren't trying I got pregnant again but took ages to show up on the hospital tests but my hcg was 800 at the start I started to brown spot about 6.5 weeks and ended up going into the emegency room and they said the they couldn't see any baby or sack and told me to come back in a week in the meantime they done blood work to see was my level's rising which they were and was so happy and then the bleeding stopped for a while and then started again and kept on being like this till I was 11 weeks in and out of the hospital every couple of days and by this stage I though things would be ok but then I really started to bleed heavy but stoped and thought everything would be fine but there was not pain but then a week later @ 12 week pg started to bleed really heavy gushed of blood coming out every time I stood up and went into the emergency that morning and they done a scan and every was fine seen baby moving around and his heartbit but when I got home I got really bad pains didn't bother going into the hospital but I was getting real bad contraction pains all day until the night I passed hugh clots and went straight in and she done a scan and said everything looked fine again seen my baby boy moving around and his tiny heart and then she checked my cervix and she said it was slightly open and my chance of mc increase but shortly after she checked me I was in so much pain I felt like I was going to pass out and I was sweating like a good thing and was like this for a good hour and I ended up sitting on the tiolet and the urge the push but as I did I seen something white immediatly I put down my hand to catch him and he looked so period didn't look like anything was wtrong and you could see little tiny leg curled up and his little arms and this was the worst experience I have ever experienced and I will never forget him I think of him every days and wonder what life would be like now I lost him on sept 9 08 and the hospital gave us a tiny little white coffin for him and I buries him with my dad the last 6 year have been just horrible for me with my dad dying from cancer at only 55 and then I got a :bfp: a month ago and lost my 3rd pregnancy 3 weeks ago @ 5.6 days and really was devasted again but nothing like what I have expereinced before but still very upset I feel like I will never have a little baby in my arms thanks for letting me get this off my chest and I do feel talking on the internet to all you people it does help baby chris junion we love you so much and miss you:cry::cry:


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## CoachingBeef

Well I finally feel ready to talk about the whole experience so.. here it goes..

I got my BFP on 16th March after trying for 4-5 months. My husband and I were so excited and told everyone pretty much as soon as it was confirmed by the doctors on 20th March. Everyone was really pleased for us and we were both really chuffed. 
I booked myself in to see the midwife on the 7th April. Told a little fib and said I had no idea how far on I was so I could get an early scan. Cheeky I know but this was my first pregnancy and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. My husband, Dan, came with me to our appointment. Did all the usual stuff, bloods taken and medical history gone through. She put us forward for an early dating scan which I was happy about. So we went on our way and waited for the dating scan appointment to come through. 
We started looking in Mothercare and various other baby shops. Looked around for cool little shoes and started thinking of names. Life was great :)
Since I found out I was pregnant I was taking tests pretty much everyday, just wanted to see the line get darker really. Also spent around £40 in digital tests just to see the weeks go up!

So - as you can imagine I was horrified when I went to the toilet on 10th April and found some blood in my underwear. It was a tiny amount but I'd been having mild cramps all day.
My husband took me to the hospital as soon as I was ready and we waited for 3 hours to be seen. In that 3 hours the bleeding was getting heavier and gradually dark red. The hospital first of all took bloods. I normally hate getting my blood took but I was so numb with fear I just sat there. The doctor then checked my cervix (it was closed), took swabs and then an internal examination. He then done an internal scan which showed the sac but no baby or heartbeat. We were heartbroken. They diagnosed a threatened miscarriage. They said it might be too early to see anything and made an appointment for the 20th to check the progress.

Well after passing huge brown clots and more brown blood I went back to A&E (they said if there was anymore bleeding or clots then I had to go back) Sorry if this is too much information but the clots were really thick and brown. The biggest was maybe the size of a 50p coin. I was so scared. I cried there and then. I thought this was the end.
We searched online quickly and it all pointed towards miscarriage.
He checked my cervix again and it was closed. Therefore still classed as a "threatened miscarriage" took more blood and sent me on my way. He said not to worry too much as the blood/clots are brown and I don't have major cramping. I kinda felt like I wasted his time a bit and I felt as though he didn't check me properly internally. I kinda got the impression he hurried himself as he felt awkward? I was lying there crying whilst he was checking.
I got my dating scan for the 17th so they told me to go to that one instead of the 20th one.

So.. the 17th comes around and we head to the hospital for our scan. 
Not good news..
Nothing had developed since last week so I was basically waiting to miscarry. If nothing had passed by the next Friday I was advised to discuss ways of getting rid of the pregnancy. 

The next day (18th April 2009) the pains started getting worse. By 8pm I was in agony. Somehow I managed to go to the shop for some wine. I just needed something for the pain. The pain gradually got worse. I was lying down and kind of struggling to breathe. I felt bad because my husband felt helpless. Nothing helped my pain.
Then, all of sudden, I felt something in my underwear and the pain instantly stopped.. I still can't get over how the pain just stopped.
I went to the toilet and my husband was with me, I knew I couldn't do what I was about to do alone..
There is was, the sac on my sanitary towel.. I was surprised at how big it was.. It was about the size of a lime or lemon.. I just sat there crying for what seemed like hours. Eventually my husband said we couldn't sit there all night. I managed to put it down the toilet and my husband left me to clean up. He went upstairs and I just sat there. I couldn't bring myself to flush my baby away.. I know this is not a very nice thing to share but I fished it out of the toilet again and contemplated burying it in the morning.
In the end I shouted for Dan to come and flush it away. He waited till I was upstairs but I was still listening for the flush. When I heard it I fell to bits again.
I couldn't sleep that night so I went back downstairs and finished off the wine.

Telling people was pretty hard. We phoned most people as I couldn't face anyone.
I had a week off work and Dan had a few days. It was awful just sitting around thinking about it so I asked the doctor to sign me off the sick.
When I went back the first day it was awful seeing people watching me. There was another lady in the office who was pregnant so I kinda dreaded seeing her but in the end I was ok with it.
The first night out we had afterwards was horrible. Three people congratulated me on our pregnancy which had me in bits so I just knocked back the drinks. I got very very drunk that night. 

So, a month on and it's still pretty painful for my husband and I. I can't get over what happened and it doesn't seem to be getting easier. 
I'm currently on my period (gutting because we started trying as soon as I stopped bleeding from my miscarriage)
This AF is insane, I can't get over how much blood there is. 
On the bright side at least I kinda know where I am with my dates now.

So there it is, my miscarriage story. Sorry it's long. xxxxx


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## Allure

hi everybody!

first of all let me say that i'm very sorry for all of your losses, or rather OUR losses.

i got pregnant the first time my boyfriend and i had sex, i couldn't believe our luck! and i never imagined that i would lose the baby, so when i started spotting i assumed it was just my cervix getting ready:dohh:. anywho..we couldn't see the heartbeat at 6.5 weeks, then the doctor couldn't see the fetal pole!!!
a week after that, i miscarried on a sunday morning..it was very painful but it lasted only a little while. i was very upset, and embarassed to face all my friends because my boyfriend had already spread the good news..

after a month i got pregnant again, i wasn't even trying..but then we weren't on any birthcontrol..this time it lasted 7 weeks, only to find out that the baby had stopped growing at 5weeks. i sat my bar exam and passed with flying colours, a day after that i had a massive headache and i was feeling feverish. i miscarried two days after the bar exam:cry:, this time i didn't take it lightly, i was traumatized by the whole process..to make things worse, this time i'd even told my boyfriend's mother, and most of his family members knew and my sister and friends too..so i had to deal with the pain all over again..i didn't even get to see my baby's heartbeat:(.

both of my miscarriages occurred naturally. i went for a checkup after the second one and was diagnosed with malaria!!!! the doctor told me that this could have been the cause..it came as a shock to me as i'd never had malaria before..

my cycle is now back to normal, it's been seven months since my last miscarriage, and i hope that i get my :bfp: soon, and that this time i'll get to have my :baby:.

:hug:


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## Amsbabes

This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me.
At the beginning of June 2009 I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and with University later in the year, I didnt know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriends Workplace to tell him. His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasnt in the best financial place and neither was I.
I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldnt talk to anyone about it. Once he was home. We sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination. How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to.
That week I went to the doctors to arrange a termination. She worked out that I would possibly be 10 weeks pregnant. This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible.
I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7. Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, why are you going to doing this? Its not right! But then there was another one saying you have to Its your only choice. I really didnt know what to do. I was so stuck. Everyday of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isnt like that. Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldnt help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dieing. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldnt keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
Consultation day. How I was scared. I knew that it wasnt the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I though that I must do this. It wont be right on the baby. When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relived and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relived at the fact wit was developed at much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldnt see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didnt. 
I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldnt have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home. I still dont know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer. 
I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week after people support and thoughts I finally came to clear decision. I decided to keep it.
Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldnt stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right. He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy.
I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end. This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
But then disaster struck. The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctors straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldnt stop worrying, even with people telling me its normal and that it would be nothing, deep down inside I knew that it wasnt. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
My worse fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning. Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didnt know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didnt know whether to cry or not. But I didnt. I had to be strong. I really didnt want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost. She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. Im really sorry. I didnt know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didnt care. I was silent all the way home.
He sat with me telling his feeling. He was very emotional. I couldnt blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldnt believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then Im at the other end of the spectrum. I really didnt understand why it had to happen to me. I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didnt happen. What was I to do?
The next day I just didnt do anything. I couldnt eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be. I just didnt want to accept it. But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen. I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happen. I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost. The pain I felt will never go away. The worse pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The bay I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy.
This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. Ill keep dreaming.
In the mean time I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything alright with me and that my body will return to normal. Part of me doesnt want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before.
If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me.
But to all the pregnant women who might read this. I wish you all the best with your babies. I hope all this doesnt happen with you because I wouldnt wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage. I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little start tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there. This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.


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## lola1985

my story is prettysimilar to moomoo's,
it all started when i was 7 weeks i was shopping and i noticed a brown discharge in my pants, i didnt phone the doctors because my sister in law that live with us, who was 35 weeks at the time, had these brown discharfes and they had always turned out to be nothing. Two days later on the friday i went to the toilet and there was pink/red blood, i panicked and went straight to the emergency room at the womens hospital. after hours of waiting i had an internal examination, the doctor said my cervix was closed and the blood looked old so i was not to worry. I was given an appointment for an early scan the monday. So begins the first horrible waiting period!! i went back on monday and had the internal ultrasound, she said that I was showiing 5 weeks when I was 7 weeks and 3 days. I was told that everything will be fine and that its very common and was given an appointment for a second scan in 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were hell I still dont know how I coped. I had no more blood since that fridays first and last bleed. 2 agonising weeks later I went back and was told that there had been no growth, but that the scan had shown the beginning of a fetal pole which u couldnt see on the first scan so they could not confirm that hr baby was dead, even though at this piont I should have been 9 weeks 3 days and the scan was showing 5 weeks and I hadnt had sex since I found out I was pregnant. I was beging the nurse to just tell me either way but she said she could beause of the difference in the scans, I just wanted someone to say what was happening, either way! I was also booked to go on holiday the day after this news, so I was given pain killers and towels for if i m/c on hol. The next week on holiday was a blurr untill the following wednesday TMI COMING UP i was going down to poolside when blood started literally running down my legs, it was so bad i was forced to stay sat in the shower for five hours having contraction like pains coming in waves every minute. I cannot describe the pain, then i felt lots of small clots then a huge clot bigger than my fist which couldnt make its way out on its own so i had to push it out, which was my baby. however horrific this was, the time since has been even worse, we started trying straight away, i ovulated 3 weeks after and the week after which i guessed would be my period due date came and went with no period just one small show of blood which brought it all back and has left me a wreck. like others have said, its not the m/c i am always upset about, its the missing of those pregnancy milestones. I am just dreading my due date which was new years eve.


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## LuiBlu

fallenangel27 said:


> Hi I am sitting here, exhausted after last night's drama.
> 
> It all srated just over a week ago when I went for my 12 week scan. My husband and I were anxiously waiting while I was scanned and 'interrogated' about whether or not I was sure about my dates etc (I was, as I had had IUI with assisted ovulation 10 weeks earlier). It was then announced that it was bad news and she left the room, leaving my partner and I in tears, with no explanation! We were escorted to another room to wait for a more senior sonographer to arrive who scanned me internally. We were told that the baby had probably died at around 7 weeks (this I knew to be untrue as I had had 7 and 8 week scans and baby was fine then). My water sac however, was the normal size for a 12 week pregnancy. This they had no explanation for. I was sent to a ward to talk to a doctor (waiting a further hour for this) who sent me home with an appointment for 2 weeks later at the Early Pregnancy Clinic. I was not offered a D & C but sent home to wait. Nothing happened for a whole week, I was afraid to go out in case I suddenly started to bleed heavily. I stayed at home, on my own, waiting. I had had early miscarriages in the past and knew what to expect with those, but had not had a late one before. Nobody had explained what may or may not happen. So I was in for a shock!
> 
> At about midday yesterday, I started to have contractions. coming about every 5 minutes, speeding up to every 3. At 4.15pm, my water broke - soaking my clothes and the sofa, I was NOT expecting that. Contractions then started to come every minute. After about 30 minutes, I had the urge to push (I was glad that I already had 3 children so I knew what to do, it was very frightening). Firstly, out came a placenta, larger than I was expecting from what the hospital had said. Later, a fully formed baby, the size of the palm of my hand (obviously 11 -12 week size, not 7 - 8 as I had been told and expecting to pop out). About 10 minutes later, another baby came out, slightly smaller than the first (nobody had detected that I had been expecting twins, although I had my suspicions as I had started to show slightly earlier than expected), followed by another placenta. Then it was over, all contractions stopped. I bled profusely throughout the night and was worried that it was too much. Today I feel weak and shocked. I was not expecting to go through full labour and give birth to twins. I should have been given a D & C. I am too numb to cry and my husband is angry with the hospital and my lack of care from them. I hope no-one else has to go through this, insist on a D & C if you are more than a few weeks. Scans are obviously not as accurate as we may think, how could two babies of that size be missed???

I don't know if anyone posts or reads these; however I wanted to share my story with you all. Firstly I'd like to thank FallenAngel, as she is the first person that I've known to have gone through something scarily similar. I've felt so alone because my experiance has been so different from others that have gone through a m/c. So thank you for sharing your story. It has helped me in more ways than you can imagine.

I am 22 and have always wanted to be a mother. Being a gay woman I never thought that it would be possible without NHS help - help I was certain I would never qualify for. I met my fiance, Dani, in May of 2008 and we decided that we wanted a child more than anything else in the world. We privately seeked out the perfect donor - someone with a great healthy life and all of Dani's attributes, so that if our baby looked like the donor, she/he would look like Dani too. Our very good friend agreed and was more than happy to be the donor of our baby. We saught out a lawful contract and set about artificial insemination - which we managed ourselves. 

We only had to try once and I knew I was pregnant; even before I'd missed my period. I got a test and it was possitive - it was one of the most defining moments of my life. I'd never been so scared and happy [up to that point]. When I found out, on the 27th November 08, I was only 5 1/2 weeks.

At 8 weeks I was already showing. I was convinced I was having twins, something inside me just knew it - the same way I had known I was pregnant before the test proved it. However at my 8 week scan there was only one baby. I never questioned the midwives and doctors. I trusted them.

At 10 weeks I started to feel very sad - like I was aware I was losing my baby. Dani bought me a dopler so I could listen to my baby's heartbeat. It was always there, pounding away. At my 12 weeks scan everything was fine. I was expecting the worst. I was always expecting the worst - but eveything seemed ok, and I began to feel better. 

By the time our 20 week scan came around our baby was getting big and always moving around. I found out I was having a bouncy boy, and couldn't have been more chuffed. We started thinking about names and got our house ready for him coming. Yet always in the back of my mind I was convinced I was miscarrying, or about to.

At 27 weeks I started contracting. I went to the hospital for a check up; the midwives said that everything was fine, baby was perfectly normal - I'd thought to myself, how could they know without doing a proper scan? When they detected I was still contracting an hour later they done an internal to make sure my cervix wasn't opening. It wasn't - but when they came out I suddenly descovered I had gushed bright red blood. They decided to keep me in over night for observation.

My overnight stay turned into a full weekend in the hospital - randomly contracting, although I never lost any more blood. My baby's heart beat was fine, and everything seemed normal.

On the Monday they sent me home with a clean bill of health for me and baby. I stopped contracting and since then til 33 weeks everything was hunkydory. At 33 weeks I started getting very painful Braxton Hicks. The pain was intense and very low in my back.

At 38 weeks exactly my waters broke, and I went in to the hospital for a check up. They told me I wasn't in active labour and I was to go home and sleep it off. That was at 0230 Monday 13th July 09. At 0500 I was pushing leaning over an electricity box outside my mums house.

We rushed back to the hospital where it was descovered that our boy was coming out OP. Posterior positioning is very painful as the baby comes down back to back, and it feels like it's trying to come out of the wrong exit if you know what i mean.

I stuck to only using gas and air and after only half an hour of pushing I gave birth to a happy and healthy 7lb 9oz boy. Samuel-Alexander. My active labour is on record at a mear 2 and a half hours!

After the birth of my boy is when things started to get horrific. The midwives hadn't had time to give me an apisiotamy and had to let me tear, so my stitches where horrendous, and on top of it I developed a rash that turned into third degree looking blisters that covered me from breasts to soles of my feet! It was the most aweful irritation I've every felt in my life. Uncontrollably itchy and very painful. I cried out in discomfort for two solid weeks.

Eventually I was diagnosed with PUPPPS. Don't ask me to tell you what it stands for, but it basiclly means that male phoetus DNA had seeped back through the placenta into my blood stream. My body hadn't attacked it as a foriegn body due to it protecting my son. However now that I was post natal it was pushing it out through my skin, causing cappilary bleeds all over my body.

The whole two weeks after I couldn't understand why I was crying so hard with sadness, like I'd lost my baby, when I was sat looking at him sleeping. I still felt pregnant and was terribly depressed.

The midwives told me it was postnatal depression and to just take it easy.

17 days after the birth of my son I started having contractions. I was walking to the toilet when my body involuntarily pushed. When I felt it slide out I knew instantly what it was, but as i'd had so many stitches I was fearful [yet hoping] that they'd just came undone and I had bled out. An almost black 'clot' was lying the length of the sanitary pad I was wearing. I looked at it and felt empty, like I'd finally gave birth and wasn't pregnant anymore.

I told Dani what happened, phoned the midwives who said to keep it so they could have a look. I wrapped it, still on the pad, in a pink dog poop bag. I felt sick doing it. The midwife came the next day and told me that it was just a clot. It looked like a big chunk of placenta to her - but Sam's placenta was fully intact. When I asked her if it could have been a twin she changed the subject. I was horrified.

I couldnt do anything else but to leave it all wrapped up. I put it in the bin. It's one thing to pass it into the toilet and flush it away, it's another to have to hold it in your hands and have nowhere else to put it but out with the trash. I hated myself. I knew what it was, even if the midwives we're too reluctant to tell me the truth.

When i consulted an independant source to find out for sure, it became apparent that it was more likely I had lost a twin. The PUPPPS rash, to my absolute horror, was my body 'recycling' my dead son.

I can't believe that a baby could go unnoticed throughout a full pregnancy. And more so that the people who you trust to care for you and your baby [or babies] would be so shallow as to try and deny you the right to know the truth.

Sorry about the long read - but it does feel better writing it all down. I feel so mixed up about this. I'm so thankful i have my son, Sam. But i am still grieving the loss of our other boy. We named him Jacob-Anthony. He is our little sonflower.

I feel horrible even writing this story here now that I think on it. I must seem terribly selfish; is it insensitive? I still have one of two... should i not be sad for the loss of Jacob? I don't know...

I'm at a loss. All I know is I love both my sons. Here and on high. Thank you for your time. My heart goes out to everyone here. I wish you all peace of mind and happiness now and in the future. You are all wonderfully brave woman, and should be proud. All our little angels are together looking down on us - and most likely having a great old time running riot around heaven. 

Be sure; we'll meet them someday. They'll never be alone. x


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## cowjunior

hello everyone,
I thought I would share my story. I had a small bleed when I was 9 weeks which continued as brown spotting for several days. I also had small pieces of tissue similar to when I have a period. I think I knew it was over then. I went for a scan after 4 days of bleeding and they told me that the fetus had no heartbeat and measured 8 weeks and 4 days. I was booked in for a D and C today, 9 days after my initial bleed. I never progressed to red bleeding. My reason for posting is that I just want to say there is nothing to be afraid of with the operation and I was able to leave after 4 hours. I am sad about the whole thing but am grateful that I didnt have to go through a painful ordeal that some ladies go through.


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## momma2naynay

My story starts on 5/13/10. Suspecting I was pregnant, picked up a pack of pregnancy tests on a trip to Walmart. We weren't trying, but have wanted another so we were excited. I had some brown spotting, but had that with my previous pregnancy and wasn't worried. 

Then Sunday 5/16/10, I noticed red spotting, and went straight to the ER. They examined me and said my cervix was closed and my HCG level was 100, and to follow up with my doc. Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I made the earliest appt with my doctor that I could and then scoured the internet for information on where my HCG levels should be for where I was in my pregnancy, since I felt in my heart that 100 was low. I continued to have the brown spottong but no more red. 

Then, on Wednesday 5/19/10, I spent that day feeling terrible, my heart was racing, I was dizzy, having hot and cold flashes, and weak. I thought I was having a reaction to some meds I was taking for an infection. So in the evening after my husband came home from work we went to the ER, they did more tests and confirmed what I had known deep down and didn't want to admit, my HCG level had gone up to only 108. On the way home I cried and cried. I followed up with my doc at my scheduled appt the next day and she again confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable. And I was sent for testing to be sure it was ectopic, which it wasn't. 

On 5/21/10 at 11:25 pm, I completed the miscarriage. In the hour and a half before it happened, I was in pain, to me it was worse than a period, but not as bad as labor. I bled for a few days after, but the pain was gone. I wasn't prepared for the relief and the guilt I felt after it was over. 

As I rested afterwards, I couldn't help but think of what my baby would have been like, would it have been a boy or a girl (I really wanted a girl), curious like big brother, or relaxed like daddy. I couldn't cry. I've had some good days feeling I can go on, and some bad, where it hurts to think of it, and feel like I can never go through this again. I'm feeling depressed and like I have an air of sadness around me that I can't get rid of. I can't stop thinking about it. Not an hour goes by without thinking of the baby we lost. :cry:


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## mrshuebner201

so here is my story.
it was april 19th 2010 and i was going in to what i thought was my diabetes test but ended up being a check up. i brought my friends along cuz they wanted to see the baby. my husband had work so i told him he didnt have to worry about coming.. 
i was sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in talking to my friends about the baby and everything i wanted to do for her room ( i found out it was a girl a week before that appt.) and how i love her name Madelynn Elizabeth Huebner =] the doctor comes in feels my tummy asks a bunch of questions and then does the doppler to hear the heartbeat. im laying there on the table waiting to hear the heartbeat myself.. but the lady was having a heard time finding it she said the baby might be a little bit lower and thats why she cant find it. so she goes and gets the ultrasound machine and puts it on. as soon as she brings it up the baby is laying there motionless with no heartbeat..
i automaticly look away cuz i new she was gone.. =[ the doctor keep saying look this is where the heartbeat is suppose to be and there is nothing there.. tears rolling down my eyes i said "i dont want to look. please stop telling me to look" she said she was going to get the specialist to take a look maybe he can find the heartbeat. and use a bigger ultrasound machine. i had to move to another room all the while i texted my husband saying there wassomething wrong with the baby.. she said what and i couldnt even finish the text i was crying to much. the specialist started the ultrasound and confirmed that my baby was no longer alive that she had stopped growing at 13 weeks. 
then continued to ask me if i had any cramping or bleeding and i remembered that a weeks exactly before that i had gone into the er for some sharp pain i was having in my stomach. the doctor did an ultrasound that night and my baby was moving around like crazy heartbeating and looked bigger. they said the pain was just from my uterus growing bigger.. 
so when the specialist told me my baby died at 13 weeks i couldnt believe it i was suppose to be 17 weeks prego. this couldnt be happening not to me. i was only 19 barley married and extremely happy.. my husband called and i couldnt even tell him anything i couldnt hold back the tears long enough to tell him our baby was no longer there. my friend kimmy had to tell him and he told her he would be there in 5 minutes. when he came it was the worst filling ive ever had to give him a hug and just cry in his arms. the doctor decided to go ahead and do a d&c for the next morning. that night when i went home i couldnt tell anyone what had happened my husband had to call my parents and his parents to tell them the bad news i could do nothing but cry that night. when i had the surgery they put me under and when i woke up i felt completly empty they had just taken a part of me that i would never be able to get back and i have no idea how to deal with that feeling.. =[ it has been 5 weeks since my missed miscarriage and i sit there and think about how big i would have been if i was still pregnant about how i would feel right now if i was pregnant. what i would be thinking about if she would be kicking up a storm in my belly right now. =[ i just feel like ive been robbed of that one feeling that every woman wants to feel.. i still have no idea how im suppose to deal with this loss that i have had. the more i think about it the more i just wanna break down and just give up on life.


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## lightweight

OH & I were married last May. I didn't want to risk being pregnant before the wedding although the first time we BD'd was actually 10 days before wedding. Took tablets on honeymoon to delay AF so really started trying after that. 6 months later nothing had happened so went to GP. She started blood tests and told me to BD at least once a day between days 12 & 16 - I decided to start with day 11 which was that day! It worked - I was due AF on Christmas Eve and decided not to test until after christmas so I wouldn't be disappointed so got BFP on 27th December. We were so happy. Only told both sets of parents to start with - and one of my best friends as we were staying with her for her 40th birthday when I was just over 5 weeks. At 6 weeks I had some browny discharge and panicked. Went to EPAU who scanned me and saw that everything was fine. It was amazing to see that something was there. 8 weeks 2 days I went to toilet, wiped and lots of red blood. Had few more drops of really dark red blood when I went to toilet next few times. Went to A&E - who couldn't scan as Sat - who referred me for scan on the Monday. Went for scan at 8+4 and saw hearbeat really clearly and baby moving around. at 9 weeks plus 6 I had a bit of spotting. Thought I wouldn't worry too much, we were moving 2 days later. Next day - 10 weeks - had more spotting - bit more blood. Spoke to midwife who suggested to come in to EPAU next morning - day we were moving - but as it was a Friday I didn't want to wait until Monday. So I went to EPAU on my own for scan as OH needed to be at home for removal men and I didn't want to ask Mum as I felt bad that she'd be seeing bad news - I think I knew. Baby was still there but no heartbeat. It was horrible. They reckon it died either later the day of the scan or next day. OH came to pick me up and I spent most of moving day in a blur. carried on bleeding for a few days - went back for scan 2 weeks later but baby & sac were still there. Waited another 2 weeks - bit more bleeding - re-scanned, but baby still there - although sac smaller. Booked me in for ERPC which I had just over 4 weeks after MMC diagnosed. Felt rough for a week afterwards - which I think was emotional as well as physical. 

Started getting back to normal - had AF 3 1/2 weeks after ERPC. Started temp charting and trying again. Due on Apr 23rd - and knew I'd ov'd but temps hadn't gone down. Tested on April 24th - BFP - only said 1-2 weeks on conception indicator, but knew it was early to test. Really happy, but cautious. A bout 4 days later realised most of pregnancy symptoms had gone. tested again and still said 1-2 weeks. Went to GP who tested and said it was negative, although very faint possibility. Sent for HCG test. Test came back low, but still high enough to be positive for preg. GP said she'd see me again in about 10 days to re-test. at just over 6 weeks started spotting - which then turned into more bleeding. Went to EPAU at 6 weeks + 4. Sent for HCG - phoned later that day and said it had gone up but still wasn't really high enough. small possibility was viable but not hopeful. That evening I miscarried - bleed really heavily for 2-3 hours. Was getting worried at amount of blood but it eased off. Went back to EPAU 3 days later for blood tests which had dropped completely confirming m/c. Wasn't as emotional or upset as first time around. I think i knew all along something wasn't right and reckon baby never made it past around 4 weeks.

Now waiting for AF and an appointment to go to re-current miscarriage specialist.

It's been an emotional rollercoaster the last few months...


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## Onika

Hubby and I got decided to after our 2 surprise babies are now growing into awesome kids 5&6 pidgeon pair and that we were married and getting settled that we might try to plan a bub. My sister was pregnant and we thought we would time it so that our babies would be about 6 months apart as all other cousins are so grown up now. She lost her baby in november 09 at 11 wks. 

Then in Feb 10 my sis and I did a test 2 days apart being on similar cycles and the were both pos. We were so excited we started calling our babies the twins because even before the pregancy we both talked about having twins and then once we had out dating scans it turns out that they practically are being only days apart. Sounds crazy I know but right from the start I had the feeling that things werent right I am not sure if it was stress because my sister lost her baby, or was it stress money, house, work the lot. I had been spotting the whole pregnacy I had not had this with my first 2and the Dr said that happens sometimes with C-sections so i was wasnt concerned on April 26 I couldnt get comfy on my bed so I laid on the kids bed and then I laid on the couch and then I got up and had a shower a hot shower I realised my back was aching really really aching. I went to the toilet and my spotting had turned red not the brownish colour it usually was and I knew something wasnt right.
When I arrived at the hospital the nursing staff were great the Ob and gynnie dr from emergency came and saw me and we did a scan 13 wk 2 day heart beat good baby had the hiccups and was moving around but the pain OMG the pain so they gave me some pain killers (panadol) and said that if the pain doesnt go away i would have to stay over night. And so I did stay over night. Hubby was on a plane looking after a bunch of teenagers for a state rugby trip...so i was by myself....That night was horrific I knew I was losing the baby and nurses on the ward were not that friendly at first once the Dr ssaw me everything changed and they gave me some morphine after 8 hours of labour pain and cramping and I feel asleep. I wish I hadnt though when I woke up I was in a pool of blood and I broke down. I got in the shower and there was a big clot on the floor I cried some more knowing exactly what was happening and having no one there to hold me.
The Dr returned in the morning and we did another scan and there was no more heart beat, my heart brokw where was it what happened why would this happen in less than 24hrs. So it was recommended that I birth the baby as this puts less stress and healing time for the body or something. 

That night I got my mum to stay because I didnt want to be alone and nothing the drugs didnt work and the next morning I was told I will have to have another course. At 8.45am 28 April I felt my baby coming and the drs wanted to keep the baby to test and so on. I birthed my baby into frickin bed pan (sorry that picture haunts me and its what I see when I see my baby) he was beautiful, tiny hands of angel about 5mm wide. he reminded me of my son. About an 1hrs later I was discharged. 

Now I am empty and my sisters baby is growing inside her and she has a belly and is 18wks on Saturday and she just felt her baby move for the first time. 
i am happy for her.
Its been 4weeks and 1 day I am lost, I am lonely and I confused, but sometimes I am not.
That is my story....:sad1:


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## 9jawife

Amsbabes said:


> This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me.
> At the beginning of June 2009 I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and with University later in the year, I didn&#8217;t know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriends Workplace to tell him. His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasn&#8217;t in the best financial place and neither was I.
> I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldn&#8217;t talk to anyone about it. Once he was home. We sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination. How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to.
> That week I went to the doctors to arrange a termination. She worked out that I would possibly be 10 weeks pregnant. This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible.
> I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7. Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, &#8216;why are you going to doing this? It&#8217;s not right!&#8217; But then there was another one saying &#8216;you have to&#8230; It&#8217;s your only choice&#8217;. I really didn&#8217;t know what to do. I was so stuck. Everyday of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn&#8217;t like that. Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldn&#8217;t help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dieing. He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldn&#8217;t keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt. But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
> Consultation day. How I was scared. I knew that it wasn&#8217;t the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I though that I must do this. It won&#8217;t be right on the baby. When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relived and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relived at the fact wit was developed at much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldn&#8217;t see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didn&#8217;t.
> I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldn&#8217;t have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
> I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was &#8216;You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home&#8217;. I still don&#8217;t know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer.
> I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week after people support and thoughts I finally came to clear decision. I decided to keep it.
> Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldn&#8217;t stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right. He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy.
> I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end. This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
> But then disaster struck. The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctors straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
> The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldn&#8217;t stop worrying, even with people telling me it&#8217;s normal and that it would be nothing, deep down inside I knew that it wasn&#8217;t. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
> My worse fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning. Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didn&#8217;t know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
> I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didn&#8217;t know whether to cry or not. But I didn&#8217;t. I had to be strong. I really didn&#8217;t want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost. She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. I&#8217;m really sorry. I didn&#8217;t know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didn&#8217;t care. I was silent all the way home.
> He sat with me telling his feeling. He was very emotional. I couldn&#8217;t blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
> I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn&#8217;t believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then I&#8217;m at the other end of the spectrum. I really didn&#8217;t understand why it had to happen to me. I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didn&#8217;t happen. What was I to do?
> The next day I just didn&#8217;t do anything. I couldn&#8217;t eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
> I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be. I just didn&#8217;t want to accept it. But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen. I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happen. I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost. &#8216;The pain I felt will never go away. The worse pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The bay I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy&#8217;.
> This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. I&#8217;ll keep dreaming.
> In the mean time I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything alright with me and that my body will return to normal. Part of me doesn&#8217;t want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before.
> If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me.
> But to all the pregnant women who might read this. I wish you all the best with your babies. I hope all this doesn&#8217;t happen with you because I wouldn&#8217;t wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage. I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little start tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there. This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.

Hi Amsbabes,

Your story really touched my heart as it sounds almost like mine. I hope in the two years that have passed you have managed to heal somewhat. I know it is something that never really goes away. My pregnancy was completely unexpected and couldn't have come at a worse time. Chronic illness, finances, etc. I actually prayed several times that God would take my baby because I could not see spending the next 8 months unable to take any medication for my severe depression/anxiety that was crippling me, for fear it would harm the developing baby. In the end I decided that I could afford to wait a little for relief in exchange for giving my baby life. There was no way I could terminate a pregnancy I've been looking forward to for almost ten years. 

But just as suddenly as I started to feel happy, the cramps I'd be feeling throughout my pregnancy grew much sharper. I then started bleeding, and I knew it was all over. The following evening, at home alone while my husband was at work, I miscarried in the bathroom. It was one of the most awful, most surreal experiences I have ever had. Here was the baby that had been a part of me for six weeks, a baby whose heart was once beating and all organs formed, laying in the toilet. I know it was the baby because I forced myself to take a good look at it, so I would know if I had miscarried or not. I put a glove on my hand and fished out the tissue with the handle of the toilet brush. Definitely an embryo: whitish, solid. Immediately following came the yolk sac and the largest chunk of uterine wall or blood clot, I'm not sure which, I have ever seen. I sat there and cried and cried, feeling like a failure. 
It hasn't even been 24 hours and I feel empty. I know it's silly, but I wish I hadn't asked God to take my baby. Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I didn't. Or maybe if I had controlled my stress, I would have been able to sustain the pregnancy. I'll never know. I like the idea of getting a small tattoo on my womb area to honor the baby. 

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I did read most of the other stories in this thread, and my heart goes out to you all. Losing a baby at 6 weeks gestation is hard enough, let alone 12 or 24. The only blessing I can think of in my case is that I did not kill my baby. It's hard enough to deal with when it was out of my control-I cannot imagine knowing I did it on purpose. I am not trying to advise anyone else in a difficult/crisis pregnancy, just for myself I know if I ever have another unplanned pregnancy, that is something I will not consider after what I've been through.


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## kaiticat

Hi everyone, thank you for sharing your stories! It's a relief to not feel so alone.

Well, I'll start off by saying that it was July 2010 when my ex boyfriend and I had unprotected sex, and I forgot to take my birth control 2 days in a row. 
I realized about 2 weeks after that I was pregnant because I had a very light period (I'm used to having very heavy periods), I also found that my breasts were very sore, and I was getting very nauseous especially when I smelled meat. I never told anybody because I was scared and I had just turned sixteen. 
I remember in the beginning of september 2 months later that I was having bad cramps and knew immediately that something was wrong. The cramps kept getting worse, and I was sweating bullets and could barely breathe. I then felt a small gush and ran to the bathroom to check. Sure enough I was bleeding slightly and passing small clots and gooey material, and later on in that night I had a slightly larger clot and knew I'd lost my baby. 

I never had any kind of support from anyone and my ex boyfriend made me feel stupid for not saying anything, and being afraid and extremely emotional.
I look back now and I know that it was almost for the best because I was and still am so young. I had a terrible relationship with a guy who never wanted children, and I couldn't imagine getting myself to the place I am now if I would've had my baby. I do want children someday, and I do think about my son everyday! It's still an emotional and hard thing for me, but I know my little boy is watching over me and proud of me! He's my little angel!


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## jesuslover

I am 37yrs old my husband and i finally got pregnant at 9weeks went to my 1st obgyn appt only to find out no heartbeat omg i was devastated and so was husband so my being scared to death of a d&c we decided to go with the choice of miscarrying natural i hurt and bled for 5 weeks still passed nothing finally i had to have a d&c (suction) while put to sleep and let me ease anyones mind had i known before what i do now i wouldve had this whole thing behind me and past me weeks ago id advise the d&c anyday over natural may god be with you all and im so sorry for what any of you is facing


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## marovichk

I found out I was pregnant on June 26th, after seeing the positive result on the pregnancy test I immediately made an appointment with the Dr. to confirm the pregnancy as I was having brown spotting. Got into the Dr.s the next day and they confirmed I was in fact pregnant and that the brown spotting was nothing to worry about as brown blood usually means old blood and that it was most likely due to the egg implanting. They did a trans vaginal ultrasound that day and told me I was about 4 weeks along, on the ultrasound all you could see was the sac. Leaving the Dr.s office I was thrilled, scared, and relieved that the bleeding was nothing to be concerned about. Between June 26th and August 7th I had three more appointments, with an ultrasound done on July 18th showing the baby`s heartbeat was strong at 158 bpm, hearing the heartbeat I got tears in my eyes and was overcome with joy, it was the first sign of the living breathing angel inside of me. We left that day with pictures and of course showed everyone we knew the pictures of my baby which my sisters lovingly named my bean. August 7th I went in for a routine check up and everything was normal. Then the night of August 10th I started spotting again, dark brown blood so I wasn`t too concerned and went about the night normally. Saturday I woke up and the spotting was gone but back by mid day. and Saturday night the cramps started, light but noticeable. Sunday I woke up to light bleeding and slightly worse cramping, so I took it easy on Sunday and first thing Monday morning I called my Dr. and She told me to rest and if it got any heavier to give her a call. Tuesday morning I was having terrible cramps and bleeding like a light period. I called the Dr. and they had me come in 2 hours later. When I got there they took me into the examining room and she checked to see if my cervix was dilated and said it was normal and that that was a good sign, she also said she could see no blood oozing from the cervix, but to be safe she wanted to do an ultrasound. We Got moved to the ultrasound room and as soon as the tech found the baby I knew something was wrong as I could no longer see the heart beating. I panicked and felt sick and she told me to hold my breath so she could listen for the heartbeat. She did that twice and confirmed that the baby had passed. My boyfriend and I immediately lost it, she left and gave us a moment. When I gathered myself she came back led me back to the examination room where the Dr. talked me through a natural miscarriage and passing the baby at home. She explained the process and apologized for my loss and then we went home. My emotional state all day was a complete wreck and hearing the words everything happens for a reason, this is natures way of taking care of something that is wrong did not help one bit. There was no physical pain besides some slight cramping until I was jarred out of a dead sleep at around 1 am with the most horrible stomach pain I have ever experienced in my life. I got up and walked straight to the bathroom and passed small blood clots and there was heavy bleeding. Between 1:15 and 3:30 a.m. I was having the most painful contractions that were taking my breath away, they started at 3-4 minutes apart and gradually got closer together (about 30 seconds- 45 seconds apart) with heavy bleeding and golf ball sized blood clots being passed. At around 3:35 a.m. I felt a huge gush of water come out, I rushed to the bathroom and sat down the cramping at this point was unbearable and making me light headed finally my body naturally pushed and I felt another gush and immediate relief from the cramps followed, I stood up and looked into the toilet and I had passed my baby. No blood clot, no uterus, no blood, just my baby laying there in the toilet I fell to my knees and started weeping, my whole body started to shake and then another cramp in my stomach came. I walked to the bedroom to get my boyfriend out of bed and as soon as I seen him I couldn`t speak I just fell into his arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life. I grabbed his hand, led him to the bathroom and he looked in the toilet and began to cry, seeing the baby again sent me into complete panic mode as this time I could see his hands, feet, eyes, and umbilical cord. I sat there next to the toilet for what seemed like half an hour with thoughts just flooding my mind. Do I pick the baby up? Can this really be my baby just laying in this toilet with no blood, no placenta, nothing at all? Why me? and everything else imaginable. Finally I stood up, closed the lid, and flushed it. I decided against touching the baby at all because emotionally I couldn`t have handled it. From 3:40 to 6 am I basically spent that whole time in the bathroom passing baseball sized blood clots and having contractions every 1-3 minutes. At around 6:15 I finally fell asleep as the contractions let up. Wednesday was an emotionally trying day but physically there was a dull constant pain in my stomach and occasionally I was just having slight cramping like you do during menstruation, with constant heavy bleeding and the most awful smell. Those same symptoms have been consistent for the past 5 days since that night, today the cramping got very bad again and I walked into the bathroom sat down and felt what seemed to be a huge blood clot come out, I stood up and looked into the toilet and there was the placenta. Since I have passed that about 3 hours ago to now I`ve had inconsistent cramping, with a consistent feeling of nausea. Hoping this lets up soon and that I am at the end of this horrific experience. 

This was one of the most heartbreaking things to happen to me and I know that many other women out there who have gone through it would agree. I hope my story helps women who are/will go through this to know a little bit of whats to come, and although there is no preparing for it, take solace in the fact that you are not alone. My prayers go out to anyone who has gone through this or is going through it right now. Thank you for taking the time to read my experience Good luck to all of you, my prayers and thoughts are with you.


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## Allyyboo

My first one happened last year 8/16/11. Me and my bf werent that serious and had only known eachother for a few months. I was only 17 and very naive. I never thought I would get pregnant so when I missed my period I didn't think anything of it. Two weeks later i had begun spotting which turned into a period flow. I had also started getting the worst cramps of my life. Finally I went to an after hours pediatrics with my mom and learned I was preggo. They then rushed me to the hospital to see what was happening. All I could do was cry I knew what was happening and I didn't want to except it. On top of that I had my mom yelling at me for being irresponsible and the rudest nurse taking care of me. After everything I was discharged at like 2am. That night I barely slept my cramps had gotten worst and i started to throw up. I texted my bf to tell him but no response which made me feel more alone then I already did. The next morning I followed up with my doc and had a d&c. After this I started my senior year. Throughout the year I couldn't help but think what if I had known and wonder how life would have been with it. After a while I just came to the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be or the right time. 
So time went on I graduated and got a second job for the summer. August came around again and it was the day I was suppose to get my period. Right away I knew I was preggo so with my friend I took a test and it was positive. I called my bf and told him right away. We both couldnt believe it. This time I took my self to the docs right away. my first appointment was 08/16/12 so it made me really uncomfortable about everything cause it was a year to date from my last m/c. They did an u/s and didn't see anything. I got scared immediately but my doc said it was probably just too early. I went back 3 weeks later and saw my baby for the first time. 6w2d with a visible heartbeat. A week went by and I begun spotting brown so I called to ask if it was normal. They said yes that if it got bright and worst to go to the ER. 3 days later I knew I had to go at least get checked. As soon as my bf got off of work at 8 we went in. it took them 3 hours to get me in a room and another hour to get me an u/s. The whole time me and my bf talked about our baby and how it was fine. He was excited to see the u/s and so was I. when they were doing it everything seemed fine but when they came back with the results they said there was no heartbeat and it stopped developing at 6w3d. I tried to fight back the tears but i couldn't. Finally I stopped and we just sat there quietly. All I could think about was what happened in a day, did I do anything? I looked over at him at one point and saw he was tearing and bawlled my eyes out. After this everything has been really rough. Currently I'm not bleeding but at my check up my doc saw something and got a little scared I go back Monday to find out what it might be. Sorry for writing so much but its the first time I actually let it all out.


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## franks

I found out I was pregnant on August 12 2012. My husband and I were expecting our first bundle of joy April 19, 2013. We were so excited. I has started getting morning sickness, smells making me sick and always being tired. As miserable as this was I was super excited. We scheduled our first prenatal for September 13, 2012. We headed out on our honeymoon September 1, 2012. Two days into the honeymoon I started to spot. We didn't really think to much of it as any sites I looked at said to start to worry if blood was red and in pain. We had a rough honeymoon I was sick and miserable cranky and everything. We flew home after our honeymoon 7 days. I went to emergency the next morning as spotting had still continued. They did 4 ultrasounds and wouldn't tell me anything. Finally they showed me the monitor I say the baby they said we have watched it for 5 minutes and there is no heart beat. The baby was only measuring 6w 4d when I should have been 8w2d. The baby had died before we left on our honeymoon. I went home in hopes that the baby would come on its own. I went for blood work every other day. Exactly one week from my first hospital visit I started to bleed heavy and got rushed to hospital the miscarriage had started. They were having trouble getting the bleeding to slow down. They did a exam and was able to pull the baby out. I got to see the very tiny baby sitting in the pan next to the bed. It was so heart breaking. They got everything under control and sent me home. That Wednesday I had the worst possible cramps ever. We went back into the hospital to find out I was in labor as the body was trying to finish the clean out. I pushed one big push and the rest of the lining appeared. This was finally the end to this miserable deal. I am now working on the emotional part as the body is now completed with the miscarriage. We are planning on trying right after my next period in hopes to conceive a healthy baby.


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## LightofLuna24

hi ladies, 
this is the first time i joined a forum but ive been reading a lot in this website. 
anyway, i am truly sorry about the loss and im hoping for the best for all of us and lots of baby dusts to everyone. 
here's my story 
Me and my dh got married in april but because of certain reasons i remain on the pill. my dh have 3 kids and i adore them like my own. one of the reason why we dont want to try yet was because the youngest was only 2. so we waited. because i was feeling nauseated and dizzy and weak and all i keep on checking hpt although im on the pill. it kind of worries me because my AF has always been irregular and i dont want to be worrying like this every month so i have decided to see my GP. we had lots of blood tests and u/s to check and she diagnosed me with polycystic ovaries. since i have a lot of friends with pcos me and my dh decided to ttc since it might take a while for me to get pregnant so i came off the pill. since i dont know when i ovulate i kinda am not sure when is the best time to BD so we just BD whenever we feel like it. since i didnt have my period in august i have decided to take a pregnancy test. it came back BFN. so i thought its just one of those months that i didnt have any period. 
a week after ,aug. 24 2012, me and my dh was in my in laws house and i fell asleep on the sofa as i feel really exhausted and my boobs were sore as ever and ive been cramping like im going to have my period. i keep on going to the bathroom to check if i started but nothing there. on the way home me and dh decided we will have a quite drink since we do that occasionally and as a bonding aswell because we have been in a lot of stress lately. just when my dh decide to have a shower while im preparing the drinks and it came to me to do HPT just so i know i am safe to drink. and to my surprise i got a BFP..:thumbup: i went upstairs and asked my husband if that real or am i hallucinting since it was my first pregnancy i havent seen a BFP on my own hpt before. my husband was in shock and thought i am putting a prank on him. and then after a couple of minutes it sank in and we are over the moon. we have done another hpt the next morning and it says im 2-3 weeks pregnant.:happydance: 
we told everyone that day because we were so happy. i took things slowly and carefully and i wake up every morning thinking theres two of us. ive got a tummy buddy and ive never felt so happy. my bump is starting to show though i was only 10 weeks. 
coming to my 11 weeks im having this brownish discharge and it kind of worries me. my dh keeps reassuring me that thats just old blood and that we'll be fine. sept 24 exactly a month after we found out i started to spot. its not a lot but it raised the red flag and phone the epau and they booked me for an early scan the next day. i started to have back pains and period like cramps. for some reason i was dreading to accept that i might be losing my sweat pea. the next morning my dh book the morning off work so he can come with me to the hospital. i didnt have any bleeding that day so i was hoping its just cervical erosion or something. as i laid there they asked me how far i am and i said coming to 12 weeks. the nurse said that the baby is too small for an abdominal scan so she did a transvaginal exam and broke the news to us. the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. i couldnt cry or speak or anything i just stare blankly. my dh was the one talking to the gp about our options and it feels like the whole world crash on me. i had the D&C as its very painful and im losing a lot of blood. after the surgery i was sent home empty. :cry:thats when it sink in me that my little angel has left me and im never gonna see her again. 
although we didnt find out the gender we assumed she was a girl and named her Luna after the moon. i still think about her all the time and i cry myself to sleep ever night. i havent got nothing to hold on to but the four weeks of feeling her inside me and everything wont be the same anymore. my eldest step son was upset when we told him but then he said he'll still wait for her when she comes back. the other two was too young to understand a miscarriage so we told them the baby went to heaven quickly coz she's needed to be there,.. we are just waiting to be emotionally prepared and maybe after christmas we'll try again.. but im so so scared.. still looking hopefull and i know things will only get better..


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## LuckyMommyof2

Allyyboo, you did not do anything wrong and I'm so sorry for your losses. I just had a miscarriage and passed my sac yesterday, I have to say it wasn't very painful and didn't last long. I'm hoping now my healing will begin and I wish the same for you as well.


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## LuckyMommyof2

Sorry for your loss franks. I know how awful it is to see the sac.


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## LuckyMommyof2

LightofLuna24, I'm sorry for your loss and pain, both physically and mentally. I'm glad to hear that you are trying to remain positive and stay hopeful :hugs:


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## MommyNikki

I went in for my 8 week baby appointment, Just as I had done my past 2 pregnancies. I have two healthy kids and no complication with either, other than the fact I had c-sections due to size and progression with my first. I urged them to do a U/S because I was unsure of my date (and also I loved getting to take home sono pics)...The U/S became frantic during the exam and eventually told me she was bringing in the doctor. There was no heartbeat. Although I didn't plan my pregnancy, I felt like I could just die right there. I had no bleeding, no pain. It was a missed miscarriage and had I not pushed for getting the U/S I would have been going day to day thinking I was still carrying a healthy baby and getting even more excited about my baby-to-be.

I went to the hospital later that evening. I lied about having pain so they would do another scan. I know thats wrong, but I needed a 2nd opinion and I had hoped that maybe their equipment was more sensitive and could pick up a heartbeat or show that I was too early to have one and not 8 weeks along as I had thought. I would not recommend you do this. Seeing the baby on the screen and absolutely no movement or noise was like being stabbed in the heart twice in one day. They scheduled me for another U/S for a day later to confirm that there was no heartbeat (because they did not know I had already gotten one earlier that day) and to proceed with a D&C if the baby was not viable. 

After the 3rd U/S, I was just a wreck. I wanted the D&C the next day because I just wanted this nightmare to be over. Its very emotional carrying around your deceased baby and I could not imagine waiting to pass the baby naturally. I asked for a picture from the U/S to bring home. I bought a beautiful frame from Hallmark that was specific for missing someone who has passed. I put the sono pic in there and hoped it would bring me closure. I never want to forget my baby. I am a mom to 3 children, not 2, unfortunately one is not with me anymore. 

I am TTC again, I am in no rush. I have to feel in my heart that God has a plan and that he wasn't trying to teach me a lesson with what happened, but that it just was not the right time for this little one.

I am sorry for everyone else's losses. It is soo difficult to go through.


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## MommyNikki

To those of you who seen your baby after passing it, my heart esp goes out to you because I would never be able to come back from that. The whole experience always plays back in my mind and if that were apart of it, I dont know how I would have ever gotten past that. 

Im so sorry.


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## LuckyMommyof2

MommyNikki, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't blame you for going for a 2nd ultrasound and lying about it, I kept hoping they were wrong about my m/c at 7 weeks. We have similar situations, I have 2 beautiful daughters and my first was a c-section as she was breech. I feel like I have 3 children too and I haven't received any pics from the ultrasound taken but I'm hoping to get 1 from the doc when I go in from a follow up. I have to tell you, I decided to m/c naturally and it happened yesterday. It wasn't as painful as I was anticipating. I had cramps for maybe 15 minutes, got up to do something in the kitchen and felt a "plop". Ran to the bathroom and there was the sac and placenta. Again, not as bad as I anticipated. I will probably never get the image out of my head and that's ok because now I'll have a memory of what my baby looked like when it came out. My husband and I would like to try again but I'm hesitant and scared but we'll have to see what God's plan is. Take care.


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## jessandaj

So sorry for your loss :( 

Well me and dg had been trying for 15 months. I decided on oc 27th that i was gunna get it over with and test. I dipped it and went away from the bathroom and waited 5 minutes, I went back in and picked it up and turned it upside down so i still couldint see (hated seeing those damn negative) a few seconds later i flipped it up and saw a faint second line and i just remember my mind going 1000 miles per minute. I ran in and showed my husband, we were both skeptical since it was faint but still got excited. He took me out to dinner and got another test for me. I took the cheap test and another first response and again there were lines on them. We finally accepted i really was pregnant it was not a if annymore. The 29th i saw some pink but it was so very light and i was worried but looked it up and it seemed to be normal and was probally breakthrough bleeding. On the 30th my husband brought me home a digital (i was dying to see pregnant) I took and there it was that word i had wanted to see for ages. Later that day i noticed a bit more blood after i picked up the house, we went to the e.r and they said my cervix was closed but my hcg was only 22 so i was either really early or it was threatned miscarriage. I woke up to a feeling of a small gush the next morning. I knew it was blood. I went to the bathroom and sure enough....red blood. I bled that whole day the next day and then went to the er for another hcg test on the 2nd. I knew what was happening. After hours she came in and said your hcg was only 7.....I kept it together while she was there, she said nothing was on my scan and the baby was probally passed already ( i was so early i dont know how she expected them to see anything anyways though) she also said maybe i wasint pregnant.....yeah im sure i though 5 test and a dr saying his were positive 2 days before..im sure it was false lady. I continued to bleed until the 5th. Yesterday i saw a tiny tinge of pink but that was it. Its been extremly hard to even accept ive been pregnant and ive lost my baby already and its over.

sorry for all the losses everyone


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## LuckyMommyof2

Sorry for your loss too jessandaj. This is a tough thing to go through but we've got each other.


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## rajnin

I had a missed miscarrige in July 2012 I am now "trying" again with fertility treatments.

The pain keeps coming back and tears dont stop, although I am "trying to get pregi again" each month I am filled with hope it works, I was really down yesterday and I read this message and I thought I would share it as it did help me and I hope in some way it can help you all too:

A lady had a MC and her midwife said this to her: " When you get pregnant, although it ended in misscarrige, it means a soul is ready to come and experince this amazing journey with you, just was not the right time. Usually you will have a succesfull pregnancy soon afterwards as the soul is waiting to come.

Miscarrige is really hard and I would have been 23 weeks this week if I didnt loose it, and now I am back to square one of trying to get preggi with treatment/injections/dr appointments etc but i wont stop untill I have my little baby in my arms and I pray we all have our time again. Good luck everyone and please stay strong and keep faith and hope  xx


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## peppermintpat

Hi all. Im 16...yes a bit young i guess to be going through something like this. I have been struggling the past five months with the fact that my first pregnancy ended with me having a miscarriage. I really dont have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriend doesnt really understand how it makes me feel and why I am so sad about this. It was our fault I got pregnant. We had unprotected sex a few times. And one morning in June I woke up with horrible cramp like pains. Except they were worse than any cramp I had ever had. I went to the bathroom and passes a clot or so I thought. Five minutes later I was back in the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. I told my mom later that morning after she woke up. We made me a doctor appointment with my OBGYN doctor for that day. The doctor checked me out and told me I had had a miscarriage. I couldnt believe it.I couldn't think of anything to say. My jaw just dropped and I wanted to cry but I held it in. The baby would have been born in March of next year. I have mixed feelings about what happened. Im relieved in a way because I am not ready mentally for a child and I couldnt support a child financially. But at the same time I wish the baby hadnt died and had survived.


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## LuckyMommyof2

peppermintpat said:


> Hi all. Im 16...yes a bit young i guess to be going through something like this. I have been struggling the past five months with the fact that my first pregnancy ended with me having a miscarriage. I really dont have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriend doesnt really understand how it makes me feel and why I am so sad about this. It was our fault I got pregnant. We had unprotected sex a few times. And one morning in June I woke up with horrible cramp like pains. Except they were worse than any cramp I had ever had. I went to the bathroom and passes a clot or so I thought. Five minutes later I was back in the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. I told my mom later that morning after she woke up. We made me a doctor appointment with my OBGYN doctor for that day. The doctor checked me out and told me I had had a miscarriage. I couldnt believe it.I couldn't think of anything to say. My jaw just dropped and I wanted to cry but I held it in. The baby would have been born in March of next year. I have mixed feelings about what happened. Im relieved in a way because I am not ready mentally for a child and I couldnt support a child financially. But at the same time I wish the baby hadnt died and had survived.

It's ok to have mixed feelings, you went through something shocking. If you need anything, we are all here for you.


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## Gettingby

I found this thread about a week and a half ago. At that time I was pregnant but absolutely terrified of the prospect of miscarriage. This is was my first pregnancy and I was ecstatic. Now, I have miscarried and am horrified. I feel compelled to tell my story because the emotion is raw but there are things I didn't know and wish I had. I hope my story helps not only me but someone else. With that said, I intend to tell my story in all its raw detail and it is not for the faint at heart so please do not read on if you don't think you are up for it!!
About me, I am 33 years old and have been married to the love of my life for 1.5 years; he is 8 years older than me so he is 41. At 16 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) (for those who are unaware this is the leading cause of female infertility). In the years following the diagnosis, I prepared myself for the worst - potentially never having children. This was not easy for me because I ADORE children and really wanted one of my own one day. 
In June 2012, we decided to stop trying to prevent pregnancy and simply see what happens. In July my period was late (which is very common for women with PCOS) but I took a pregnancy test anyway - BFN. Following my period at the beginning of August, my period was once again late. I decided not to take a pregnancy test until I had waited enough time to be more confident that my period was not just late. On day 47, I took a pregnancy test, I saw the minus sign right away and began to tidy up in the bathroom. As I turned back to the test it was becoming a BFP!! I almost fainted. I wasn't even really TTC and here I was pregnant with a disease that is well known to cause infertility. When I told my DH he was shocked but happy. This was Sunday September 16th. The following day, I called my doctor to make an appointment, she was on vacation so I could not get in until the following Thursday (September 27th). Additionally that day I went out to the store to get prenatal vitamins and felt I had to buy another pregnancy test just to be sure. I took the test and sure enough another BFP. The following weekend, DH and I had plans to go away for his b-day and on the saturday I had the faintest pink when I wiped but that was it. I tried not to panic because I had read about implantation bleeding and it didn't continue. On Sunday, DH and I did the BD and later, I had more obvious pink discharge. Again, I assumed this was the result of our activity and it turned brown but lasted most of the week. As my dr. appt was coming up I decided to wait it out. I took the day off work so I could attend my dr appointment and feel no pressure to rush to and from work. That day my Dr was more than 1 hour behind schedule and when I finally got in she told me that I had been squeezed in (despite having made my appt over a week ago), she needed more time with me and that I would have to come back the next day. I was not amused but also told her I had been spotting. She reacted to that and told me that she wanted to be sure it was not ectopic so I was sent for an early U/S that day. I was taken immediately at the U/S clinic and had a transvaginal U/S because my bladder was not full enough. I think the technician sensed my fear so at the end (even though she is legally not to say anything) she showed me the US video and told me my baby was fine. I even saw the heart beating like crazy. I started to cry and thanked her for telling me. 
The following day I came back to my Dr as requested. Again she was 40 mins behind schedule and when she finally saw me she basically rushed through 100 different pieces of papers and requisitions. I felt overwhelmed and expressed my fear of miscarriage given the fact that women with PCOS are up to 3 times as likely to miscarry (45% chance). My Dr looked at me and said 'oh is that what they say? I don't think that is true.' I wanted to be comforted by this but deep down I knew better. This was not the first time I had the feeling my Dr. didn't know much about PCOS. She concluded by telling me that 1 in 4 women miscarry and there is no medical intervention so I should just relax and go with the flow. I left with all my paperwork having made my 12 week appt. When I got home I realized half the paperwork was not complete and that I would need to call on Monday to have the information provided. On Monday when I called, the receptionist said I would need to come back in. I told her absolutely not because I had taken 1.5 days off work and the information needed to be provided over the phone. She passed me to the nurse who did just that.
I should also mention that my spotting had not really stopped and on that very same day it actually got worse. Nothing major but when I wiped there was a small amount of bright red blood. I was stressing out more than I was able to manage partially because of the poor treatment I felt I was receiving but also because I continued to fear for the fate of my baby that I now realized I wanted more than life itself. That evening I went to the hospital. They took my blood and my HCG levels were at the low end of normal but there has been some debate of whether I was 8 or 9 weeks so that could have been the reason. I was not able to have an U/S that night but they scheduled me for one the following day. On October 2, I had an U/S and again a wonderful technician who showed me my baby and told me it was fine with a heartbeat of 156 beats per minute. I had to technically wait for the official results and sat at the hospital for over 2 hours even though I knew my results were ready. The Dr. eventually came to me and told me the U/S was normal but in typical fashion he gave me the liability clause of 'just because it is normal doesn't mean I can guarantee you won't miscarry - the longer you carry the better it is'. I have no understanding of why doctors feel this line of discussion is helpful but this is my second experience in weeks so perhaps they learn that in medical school. I left feeling better because I knew my little peanut was okay but I still had so many reservations. 
That weekend was Thanksgiving (Canadian) and I spent the weekend with my family. The amazing thing was the spotting stopped. I started to relax and take a deep breath. Maybe this was supposed to be afterall. On Tuesday (October 9th) unfortunately the spotting returned. Again it was different. It seemed heavier and more like bloody discharge. I panicked. The rollercoaster I was on was becoming far too much. The spotting did not stop. On Thursday (my mother's birthday), I was at work and went to the washroom. I was 9/10 weeks. When I wiped there was a clot in my hand the size of my palm. At that point, I was sure I knew what was happening. I tried to call my DH at work but he didn't answer. I sent him a rather abrupt and rash email and left for the hospital. He called me when I arrived in the parking lot and I told him I had to go and that I would call him when I knew something. I told the triage nurse that I thought I was miscarrying, she took me in and measured my vitals and the best thing she could come up with to say was 'stressful day eh'. Really - that is the best you got? I was sent back to the waiting room and was called into an exam room around 30 mins later where I continued to wait. Eventually the Dr came to see me and I told him my story. He was great. He told me he would need to send me for another U/S to determine what was going on but wanted to know if I was up for it. I told him I was and within the next hour I was again laying on the same bed I did a week ago. This time I had to have a transvaginal U/S. The technician was very quiet and spent far longer doing the U/S than the previous 2 times. At the end, she neither showed me the screen nor said a word. I said 'you aren't going to tell me anything are you?' She replied, 'no' I am not allowed. At that point, I knew the outcome so I said 'I realize that but the last 2 U/S the technician showed me and told me everything was fine so your silence tells me everything is not'. To this she did not reply. When I got back to the exam room I called DH and told him my suspicions. He told me he was on his way and arrived 30 mins later.
Shortly after the Dr. came into my room and told me exactly what I already knew. My pregnancy was not progressing and the baby no longer had a heart beat. This is when my real nightmare began. I told the Dr. I was leaving on a trip in under 2 weeks so I needed to know what this meant. He told me I could either take some medication to speed up the miscarriage or have a D&C. He told me he would contact the on call OB/GYN to come and discuss my options. For the next hour DH and I just sat together and cried. I felt guilty and kept apologizing and he just kept saying you didn't do anything wrong. When the OB/GYN arrived, he too was very good and did what was in his power to try and explain. He informed us that up to 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage and that it was not the result of anything I did or didn't do. This is the body's way of quality control. I appreciated his attempt but I just wasn't really up for it. He told me since I was going away, he would not recommend a natural miscarriage just in case something went wrong. He indicated I could take misoprostol or have a D&C later than night. I had no idea what to do and asked him for advice. He indicated that he would recommend the misoprostol rather than the D&C so as to avoid the general anesthetic. I agreed and was informed that I would be sent home with 8 misoprostol tablets and pain meds. I was to put 4 tablets intravaginally which would be absorbed and would cause contractions. I was told that what I would experience would be like a 'bad period.' If nothing major happened I would need to take the other 4 tablets. I asked the Dr. if it would be a problem for me to wait to take the medicine until Friday so I could be at home for this. He said that would be fine and that if I had too much pain to come back. 
I didn't sleep at all that night but decided to go to work the next day as a means to keep me distracted. Surprisingly it managed to work fairly well. That night (Friday October 12) I finally managed to muster up the nerve to take the misoprostol and some preemptive pain meds. I felt like I was choosing to murder my baby even though I knew the baby was already gone. I had read a few stories of people who had used misoprostol but their experiences varied so much that I didn't know what to think. Within 30 minutes I began having cramps but nothing unbearable. I sat with my DH and watched TV and managed to get about 1 hour of sleep. At 12:30, DH went to bed and asked me to come but I said I couldn't. By this point the cramping was significant enough to keep me awake. I stayed awake with a heating pad on my stomach until around 2am when I decided to lay on my stomach with the heating pad on the floor. I managed to get about 1 hour of sleep. At 3:30am I woke up and felt the need to go to the bathroom. I knew I was bleeding more heavily. 
I had no idea what was about to happen. As I sat on the toilet I had a strange feeling that something feel out of me. I tried to stop it but didn't. I quickly turned around and there in the toilet was my perfect little angel complete in his (or her but for simplicity it will be him here on out) gestational sack. I did not have any idea that this is what I would see. I just expected 'a bad period' or to my way of thinking - lots of blood. I don't know what came over me but I felt and immense need to hold him. I reached in and pulled out the golf ball sized clear sack containing my wonderful baby. For anyone reading this, be sure to do some research about what really happens when you miscarry and what you may experience so you are more prepared then I was. I have a science background with a major in biology and studied human development so you would think I would have had a clue but I didn't. If you are reading about fetal development and are looking at pictures of your baby week by week, they are frighteningly accurate. My baby looked just like they said (2 eyes, 2 arms and 2 legs) and about 1 inch in length.
As I sat in the washroom holding my child, I just cried. I told him I loved him and that I was sorry. I had no idea what to do. I had so many emotions running through me and couldn't come to terms with any of them. I grabbed some toilet paper wrapped him in it, kissed it and said goodbye. I am sorry to anyone out there for this is too much but it is reality and I wished I had read someone's story like mine. I left the washroom went back to the floor where I laid not sleeping and crying until the morning. DH came and laid with me. I wanted to spare him the pain so all I told him was 'its gone'. 
The next 2 days (and today is only day 2) have been a real wild ride. The hardest time is when I am with DH. He has been amazing but that child was a representation of us and just seeing looking into my DHs eyes makes me cry. DH is a typical man. He wants so badly to be strong for me. I know he is hurting but he has had this idea that he cannot let me see that. This has been very hard for me. I understand different people deal with things differently but his tough guy persona makes me feel a little like I am alone in my grief. We had not told anyone of our pregnancy so we are all we have for support! This morning I told him that I understood his need to be strong but that what I really needed was to know I wasnt alone and that that he too was grieving. It took some time but he finally let me in and suddenly I wasnt alone. He is angry, sad and all around just lost. Just like me. 
Now that said, the purpose of this thread was to help someone. I hope my story prevents someones horror like mine and surprisingly just writing this has helped me. I am by no means over the pain (especially since I am still bleeding and having cramps) but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. This baby was meant to come into my life and unfortunately leave when it did. This baby taught me that I was never okay with the idea of not having kids and that I absolutely want to try again. Given our ages we dont have forever, so I suspect we will begin again soon. But I will NEVER forget that little beautiful baby that was mine if only for a 3.5 weeks! I feel for everyone on this forum now that I have come to understand real pain in my life. I wish you all success and happiness in your future parenting.


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## Gettingby

Also - sorry for the length of my story but I hope it helps someone!!


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## mamaofthree

Hi Everyone,

Ive ony just plucked up the courage to talk about this and it makes me cry a month on.

I was breastfeeding my fourth son, and no excuses, I knew I was passed the time whereby this could protect me but just figured that as we'd got to 18months and it hadn't happened it wasn't going to. wrong! because that month I ovulated, and I just knew I would be pregnant. Sure enough three and a bit weeks late I felt incredibly tired so bought aclear blue digi which said 3+ weeks. I knew I wasn't this far along, but booked a scan privately for 7weeks to make sure I hadn't made a mistake. I took four tests all had very strong lines. My symptoms over the next few weeks ironically were the strongest of all. I even had morning sickness which I never get. Bizarely before the scan I had a dream that we had a still born baby and had a sense of impending doom. From my last period I should have been around 8 weeks at the scan. I arrived for the scan and the sonographer said she saw a baby and heartbeat, baby measuring 6weeks. I said it can't be as I had a positve test over four weeks ago, and she looked at me daft saying I must be mistaken. At that point I knew something was up, and posted, but I guess lots of women do get their dates wrong. So I carried on as normal but withion the3weeks my symptoms had vanished. I told DH but he just though I was being paranoid as we have four babies with no problems. Two weeks later I had red blood on my pants and back ache after being at the park and went straight to a&e explaining I was in pain. They kept me in over night but said it was likely nothing as my cervix was still closed. Oh how wrong they were! I had a scan the next day, and had to stay on surgical assessment while all the old dears whispered about my being in due to constipation grrrr lol. Then at htreepm I was taken for a scan, and sat to wait in an antenatal waiting room with ladies with bumps. I cried and cried, but they did nothing to reassure or comfort, and made me wait an hour in that room with a full bladder. When entering the room I started to bleed heavily and apologised to the nursing staff!!!!! What an idiot. I told the sonographer I had a bad feeling about this, and she said not to give up hope yet. I watched the scan anxiously, praying for a healthy baby, but when she said it's blury you need an internal...I knew it was over. The internal showed a good sized baby at 10ish weeks, but i knew it wasn't moving and could see the screen was fuzzy. She double checked, and then touched my leg. I burst into tears.....This baby looked perfect, just like my others and I just cant get that out of my head. I went on to miscarry naturallytwo days later. It was horrendous and like labour. I spent a week in bed feeling awful, and really dizzz. I suspect I lost too much blood but there was no way I was going back in! Four weeks on, and we started trying gain as mc association say no increased risk of ttc right away, only for dating purposes drs advise a wait.

Now I find out my diabetic partner has been hiding his high glucose results and this could have been the cause due to DNA damage in the sperm. I am struggling as just want to replace this baby. I know this sounds bad but it's helping me cope, but now I just don't know if we can have anymore with his health the way it is :(

Thankyou for letting me share. I wish I'd done it righ away! so sick of friends sayying i should be thankfull i wasnt further along, or for the children I already have. I am thankful but wanted this baby too. So sad! Hope everyone else is coping. 

xxxxRach xxxxx


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## elohcin

Here are my experiences....

Miscarriages 1-5 were all very similar...just like a late, heavy period. (they were all between 4-7 weeks) My first was probably the worst, because it was the most shocking (not that the rest weren't as awful, but I just knew what to expect), and it was also the latest of my "earlier" miscarriages, at 6w4d. Cramped like a normal period too, but I cramp a lot anyway. (with my very first one I also DID take methergine after an E.R. visit...miscarriage happened while we were on vacation. E.R. was terrible, asking if I was sure I was ever pregnant, how did I know, etc, then the vaginal u/s was terrible and made me bleed a HUGE gush afterward)

Miscarriage #6 was a MMC, we didn't find out until my 10 week u/s. Baby had passed a week and a half prior. I was adamant about avoiding a D&C so it was a full 2 weeks before my hCG dropped low enough for the process to begin. I had NO spotting or cramping or ANY signs of it happening until the night of 12 weeks, then I woke up in the night with full on contractions (literally, just like full-term labor) for about 45 minutes and then I passed the entire sac intact. The pain disappeared with that. I bled like a regular period for about a week more.

Miscarriage #7 was an ectopic. I had an empty uterus at my 6w5d u/s, but very clear tubes as well. My levels we dropping normally, and I started bleeding that same day, and my doctor assured me it was just a normal miscarriage. I bleed for a week...which WAS a "normal" miscarriage for me. EXCEPT there was zero cramping. At 8w3d I started to feel gassy, but without the gas. I had some dark red spotting/bleeding off and on. Called the nurse but she wasn't concerned. By that night the pain ceased. In the morning it was so bad, I barely got out of bed and just laid on the bathroom floor, unable to move and afraid I was going to vomit. Hubby (a medic) came home, MIL and FIL came over (RN and MD) and gave me zofran and a percocet for the pain, and then we decided hubby would call work so they could transport me to the E.R. (did NOT want to go in ourselves and have to lay on the waiting room floor in horrible pain) About an hour and a half later I was in the u/s room, and while she was scanning the pressure ruptured my tube. I went back to the ER and was into emergency surgery a bit later and had lost 800cc of blood by that point, and they removed an 8cm mass from my tube, as well as the tube itself. Couldn't do it laproscopically because of the extent of the bleeding and the damage, so I had a full 5" abdominal incision to recover from. Had NO bleeding or spotting after the surgery though. I DID suffer from some depression after this loss. Whether it was from the experience itself or from a culmination of 5 consecutive losses in 12 months, I don't know.

Ever since my 2 losses over 7 years ago, I have struggled with bitterness and jealousy (regarding others pregnancies). I have yet to learn to overcome that, but have realized it's just part of the grieving process, so I try not to beat myself up. Emotionally, I have good days and bad. Mostly good as time passes, but when I have a bad day it creeps up on me and it is REALLY a BAD day.


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## LightofLuna24

thanks luckymommyof2, i'll wait for the right time to be blessed again.. :)


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## sylvialh

I'm currently completing (I hope) my miscarriage. I was 13 weeks according to my last period. I had had an easy pregnancy, almost no nausea, and only sightly sore breasts. We went for an aging ultrasound only because we weren't convinced that we were so far along (we thought more like 8 weeks)

at the ultrasound the tech said the baby measured 8 weeks and we were actually kind of laughing because that's how far along that we thought we should be. Then she said that she couldn't find the heartbeat and that she should be able to at that size.

we didn't know what that meant, and she just said she would have the dr look at the ultrasound report and then call our midwife. She said to call the midwife in an hour. We knew that was all bad news but tried to stay positive.

Our midwife called about 20 minutes after we got home to say we had miscarried. We were heartbroken, obviously. I started drinking pretty much immediately and some friends (who are 5 months pregnant) came over for support. That was on Wednesday.

On thursday I stayed home from school, having gotten some extensions. I went to school and work on Friday & Saturday. I was on my feet all day Fri & Sat. I had a few spots on Sat & Sunday but nothing started until Sunday night. Monday I had a heavy period. Tuesday we were at our family dr and she gave us a prescription to help us pass it but thought it would probably pass naturally because it had already started.

Our family dr asked if I was staying home during this time and I said no. I should have just said yes, gotten a note and gone home!!

I went to school after the appointment, and had a few cramps on the way. At school I got a really painful cramp and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later I went back to class, and only a few minutes after that I had another one and left again. I realized I would not be able to go back, but my phone was also in the classroom. 

I waited outside the class until a lady walked by and I asked her to help me and get my phone. She got the phone but didn't stick around to see what was wrong even though I was obviously in pain.

I called my friend to pick me up but I had no signal, so I had to leave the building. It was really cold outside and I was super upset. My friend didn't answer so I called my Mother in law. She was on her way, but I was afraid she would not find me because the building I was in is a maze and I hadn't been able to describe where I was because I wanted to get somewhere easier. My phone was also on low battery and I didn't know her number by heart - typical!

I tried to get to the main school building but on the way I had a really bad contraction and had to lie on the floor. I was in a lot of pain when all of a sudden three student nurses appeared and asked me what was going on.

I told them and they said I should go to health services, which was down the hall. I tried to get up but couldn't so we stayed there. I asked one to call my MIL and to save the number because my phone was dying. I kept trying to change position and get more comfortable but they kept asking me to put my head down because I was very white. 

Two security guards appeared and one kept asking me questions that I didn't want to answer (just normal stuff - name, DOB, student number). They called an ambulance. They also asked if I wanted to go into a nearby classroom and they emptied it (there were just 2 people) but again I couldn't move.

I said I wanted to go to the bathroom but it was too far away. So I asked them to empty the mens, which was closer. They said ok, but again I couldn't get up. 

Finally my MIL arrived and I was still lying on the floor in a lot of pain. The pain slowly subsided and I was just exhausted. Then the ambulance came so I went with them

While I was in the ambulance I could feel blood trickling out of me. I knew that I had bled too much for the pad I had on that I was leeking, but I didn't feel too bad physically.

When I got to the hospital I was able to go to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down I felt something slide out and I heard a big plop. There was blood everywhere but I didn't flush because I wanted to see it. I thought the DR would get it out and I could see it. I cried out when it happened and my husband reassured me it was ok. I came out of the washroom and he went in and flushed. I was sad that it was gone, but I also felt silly wanting to see it. I'm sure it would have been really gross.

As soon as it fell out I also felt really relieved that it was over. I also felt guilty for feeling relieved. 

Two days later I am still really sad that I didn't get to see it. I have dreams about what it looked like (mostly just a round red sac), and I feel empty and tearful. I haven't said anything to my husband because I know he feels terribly that the whole thing happened at school while he was at the movies. I don't want him to feel bad because there was no way we could have known that would happen- we had just been at the dr hours before!


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## lilithc

It all started with an iPod update, yes an iPod update. I kept all the data around my menstrual cycles nicely stored within a lovely app, and I organised my sex (and everyday) life accordingly.
So, yeah, the iPod update. Well, that update caused the loss of all the data I held on my monthly cycle. I felt lost, I could not remember when my last period was and I was just feeling funny. I decided to take a pregnancy test - surely this could not have happened, I am not mumsy at all, this is a bad time! But it did, the test was faintly positive, and then it hit me could this be true? Four tests later I was convinced that it was, and then panic. We cannot possibly afford this, I have to work twelve hour shifts just for two of us to scrape by, nevermind three! Am I what a mother is cut out to be? Am I capable of being responsible for another life totally dependent on me when I cannot even remember to turn the light off when I exit the kitchen? Am I going to hate that child for stealing my independence? What if I give birth to the next Ted Bundy? I mean, lets face it we are both just a little bit odd. The only thing that never crossed my mind was the following: How would I feel if I lost whatever was inside me? Not through any fault or decision of mine, just if I happened to lose it. And that was the only question which would have rendered all the others insignificant.
The doctor confirmed there was a pregnancy, even though all they did is take my word for it and prescribe me with this magic folic acid which I was to start taking immediately. So I did, and suddenly, I felt I had started taking care of something I previously was not so sure I desired. My partner was in the same state of disbelief I was, and had gone through the same exact feelings of denial You are kidding, right? panic We cannot afford to raise a child can we? and finally acceptance Ezra would be a nice name for a boy... and I think Isobel for a girl.
After all the aforementioned stagesand multitude of emotions, I felt something which can only be described as happiness. I was actually happy; there was the prospect of me giving life to a tiny person who would be wholly created by us and wholly dependent on us, even though that last part scared me to death.
And then it came, the first drop of brown spotting. I did not panic as I had heard all the expert opinions on the subject sometimes there is some remaining blood from your last period implantation bleeding, definitely do not worry, some women experience bleeding all the way through and reach full term, giving birth to healthy babies the placenta might be growing low, take it easy you get the gist.
I started spotting on what was the fifth week of my pregnancy, there was barely anything there, size-wise there was probably a tiny pinhead implanted on my uterine wall nothing more than that, yet I felt like I was carrying Jesus Christ. No, I was not a virgin and no, I smelt no lilies and yes, the feeling was probably based on some archetypal Christian remains due to my upbringing in a Greek Christian Orthodox society, but I felt great! Even though my boobs were hurting, even though I had to run to the toilet more often than I would like, I felt great!

Following that, I felt scared and worried! A visit to my GP was all it took for me to end up in the local Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit.

Blood test 1: HCG levels of 195, come back in two days.
Blood test 2: HCG levels at 297, not quite doubling but it could be too early.
Blood test 3: HCG levels at 541, well done, appropriate rise.
Blood test 4: HCG levels at 1621 appropriate rise, we will book you in for an ultrasound!

At that point, I started actually believing that I had to take my mind off the little voice inside me, which told me everything was going wrong, and started believing in numbers and doctors. HCG is rising perfectly fine and appropriately to the gestation week I should be at... "Great"! I was told to return to the hospital the next day for an ultrasound with a full bladder. So, I drank the OCEAN, seriously, I drank more than I had ever drunk before. Three litres of water in less than three hours (two toilet trips later, I was ready for my scan). It seemed that everyone, but me, had believed in numbers and doctors, people started saying stop worrying, it will be fine We will not discuss this spotting situation every night for the next seven plus months are we? dont be silly, it is just one of them things, as long as the hormone levels are rising you will be a - ok.
Suddenly, six weeks pregnant, I found myself in a dark room full of strange women, all eager to see shape in the white noise of the ultrasound machine.

Abdominal ultrasound: Cannot see much, her bladder is too full. Go to the toilet and come back.

- Piss interval 

Transvaginal ultrasound: I cannot see anything; her bladder is still too full. Let me try with a higher sensitivity attachment.

Transvaginal ultrasound 2: Tubes clear, ovaries clear (good news, no ectopic). Uterus CLEAR (silence).

That was the longest, most deafening silence I had ever experienced, the lights came on... it could be too early, the endometrium is thickened but I cannot get a clear picture. So another blood test was in order.

If the hormone is still rising we will schedule another ultrasound next week, if they are falling however, it will indicate that you have either miscarried or you are in the process of miscarrying. And then the answer finally hit me Yes, I was bothered about what happened to my little tiny pinhead, I did want my tiny pinhead and yes I felt like my heart was about to be ripped out.

Blood test 5: HCG levels 1400

I could not stop the tears from falling, even though Nurse Corrine was extremely understanding and obviously really gutted too. I am sorry darling, but it seems like you are miscarrying, there is nothing you could have done differently and you could go on and have a football team if you want, but this one was not meant to be.
And there it was, that familiar feeling of helplessness, a feeling of emptiness and loss. I was certain I had experienced that one fifteen years ago when my mother had suddenly passed away, and it was the same exact feeling of numbing internal pain over something so final I could not possibly change.

-What about me Corinne? Where does that leave me? Is my body going to recover quickly? Will I have to go through a D & C? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

- You will be fine darling, your body will recover but you have to come back in three days for another blood test so we can make sure your HCG levels are still dropping and then we will discuss what to do from there. And this happens to a lot of people, do not blame yourself.

I did not weep until I was in the safety of my own parked car. And then I wept, and wept and wept some more. It was not so much what I had lost, but what I would not get a chance to have. It was for my dreams, my hopes and my vague imprerssion of what that child might have looked like. Would it have my hair, would it be unfortunate enough to have my partners nose? I would never be able to find out. I am not silly, I know that those thoughts were completely irrational given the short time of my pregnancy but I could not help but having them (blame it on the hormones). I felt useless, unable to give life to something without killing it (kinda like a short-lived goldfish which you failed to feed for a week), I felt helpless, alone and most of all EMPTY.
Then I had to break the news to the people who love me, and that was hurting me even more. I also had to break the news to my partner, who after years of coping with my hypochondria, thought that the danger of the spotting - come bleeding was all in my head. But this time, the only time, he was not right.

Three days later I had another blood test.

Blood test 6: HCG levels 200

Then the contractions started but I was alright with that, I go through those every month anyway THANK YOU PRIMARY DYSMENORRHEA!!! It was all good.
I have tried not to look back, after all shit happen they say. I have tried to reason with myself and be cynical about it, but I cannot be. I cannot sit here and be romantic about it either. I know exactly what I would say to myself if I was not the one experiencing the feeling of loss, I would say come on, you will be fine, it was very early you are young and you will try again etc. that was what I actually said to the people who I have had to break the news to I am alright, these things happen, we are young, it will happen at some point, no biggy what I really wanted to say though was please leave me alone, I am dying inside.
I do not feel any guilt, shame or anything of the sort, about what happened to me. It happens everyday and it is a deeply disturbing experience, to say the least. Some choose not to talk about it - I know many of you who have gone down that path - and I respect that, but I chose to write about it... I found it almost cathartic writing about it. As the days passed, I feel that noone mentions it, and I understand why (after all there is not much to say), but I needed to remember this, I needed to document and to share it, as Pierre Corneille puts it "One often calms one's grief by recounting it".


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## monetka01

moomoo said:


> Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.
> 
> When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.
> 
> When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.
> 
> All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep.
> 
> I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air.
> 
> After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.
> 
> On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"
> 
> A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.
> 
> In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.
> 
> We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.
> 
> To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.
> 
> I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.
> 
> xx

So sorry for you loss. Everyone's loss is unique to their own experience but I found true comfort in knowing and believing in God's will and He knows best. I got married at the end of August, 2010 and got pregnant around the 2nd week of September. Unfortunately, I miscarried on the 31st of October, and the fetus measured at 7.2 weeks. That was the most terrible experience of my life, I felt as if I was in labor for a dead fetus. The pain lasted at least 18 hours. But after everything ended, me and my husband were able to move on. Then in December, I had no period for 59 days, then the bleeding and horrible cramping started. I'm fairly sure it was my 2nd m/c, it was a lot heavier than usual period and lasted for 8 days. Then the worst happens, it's been almost 2 years and I haven't been able to get pregnant, at all. My periods were so irregular, some months 32 days, some 28 days, some 48 days. I finally signed up for Fertility services, found out my TSH was at 7.13, official hypothyroidism. Started on Levothyroxine in late August and got my HSG done on August 25th,2012 (LMP being August 20th). HSG came back normal with no visible blockage. Then on 10/4/12 I took a pregnancy test, it was slightly positive (but very early). OB ran HcG tests to confirm pregnancy and confirm that it at least doubled within 48 hours (which it more than doubled). Everything was normal, I felt super pregnant. Me and my husband were over whelmed with JOY! On 11/6 we got our first transV U/S with confirmed heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, I felt as if I was in heaven. Of course we shared the news with everyone (within our family). At the same time, my husband's brother's wife was pregnant too and she just got off BCP, she was 2 months ahead of me. 
On 12/4/12, I had my 2nd ultrasound, I was 11.5 weeks (or so I thought). Turns out, the fetus is still stuck at 7th week of development, (remember that we had heard the heartbeat at 7.5 weeks ). So sometime between that Tuesday and Thursday, something had occurred. I didn't have ANY bleeding, no weird discharge until Monday morning (12/3/12). I got a weird orange discharge in the am then brownish/reddish spotting by 5 pm that day. No cramps, nothing. 

I didn't think I will make it home that day from my appt, I was praying that something would happen to me before I make it home. I didn't know how I was going to live. And my husband? It hit him the worst, I've never thought I would see a man break down this way. It was terrible. The only thing that saved us from the breakdown is our strong faith in God and His decree. Here I am, with my dead baby inside me, hoping to make it until tomorrow for my d&c so that I can ask for tissue examination and testing. I'm only 27, I don't have any female disorders, uterus is perfect, blood work is good, my thyroid is at 3.0. I didn't even take Tylenol, for my once a week terrible migraines, for the 1st 2 months. 

I do want to point out that my mother started TTC at 25 and she had 5 m/c before having me and my brother. She also had abnormally structured uterus and rh- blood type , where the antibodies attack the fetus . (At the time in my country, we didn't have any options for that blood type, so she was only able to have 2 children). After 5 m/c she was finally able to successfully conceive and carry to term at age of 29 and she got pregnant with my brother 2 moths afterwards. 

I'm very hopeful, I just know that everyone is born into this world and leaves this world at appointed time. Everything happens for a reason and only God knows why. The best thing to do is thank God and pray for another chance, and know that only God works miracles. 

One of my husbands coworker's wife was told that she will NEVER have a child, by multiple physicians, due to injury that she endured during childhood fall, long story short, her uterus was unable to house a healthy pregnancy to term. She kept miscarrying and then stopped trying. She was only 19. Just recently she gave birth to a health baby boy! Stories like that inspire me to have hope. Don't ever compare yourself to another (in a negative or positive way). We are all unique individuals. The best thing to do is stay positive, take care of currently present issues (maybe it's living situation, financial stability, or perhaps a bad characteristics). Only God will know what you deserve and what you will receive. It is not our job. I hope my story helps, even if it's just 1 person. God bless


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## bakeranm99

moomoo said:


> Hi all, i thought it would be good for me (and you guys if you feel you can) to write on here your story about your miscarriages/losses. I dont want to glorify what happened at all, but i feel as though by sharing my story i might be able to help someone. Please add your stories.
> 
> When everything started to happen i was 10 weeks 6 days. It was a friday, i was just about to get in the bath when i noticed some brown blood in my underwear. I didnt think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before calling NHS direct. By the morning there was more brown blood so i called. They told me to get some rest and relax and if there was any red blood or pain to call them back. All through the saturday i had no bleeding whatsoever so i thought that was it.
> 
> When i woke up on sunday morning the bleeding had got heavier, it was red and i was passing lots of tiny little clots..but the bleeding wasnt heavy at all. I decided it would be best if i popped to the out of hours GP at the hospital. He told me that as my bleeding was not heavy that everything was fine, but scheduled me an early scan for the following wednesday.
> 
> All through monday was the same, but during the night i started to get a colicy type pain..it felt as though i had a bit of a dodgy tummy, it was uncumfy but i managed to get a bit of sleep.
> 
> I woke up on tuesday still getting this pain, was more like bad period pains and was coming in waves. By 1 o clock the pain was getting pretty bad, so i thought i would have a bath to see if it would ease it. I had got in the bath and the pain was so bad i could hardly get out..i was breathing through each contraction, and with each one more blood would come out. I managed to get out of the bath, dried myself and layed on the floor. I couldnt even stand up the pain was so bad so i rung NHS direct again. They sent an ambulance for me as i could hardly speak. The contractions were coming 30 seconds apart and each one lasting for about 90secs. The pain felt as though someone was pulling out my insides. By the time i got to the hospital they gave me some gas and air.
> 
> After about a further 3 hours on the gas and air the contractions subsided, and i was in no pain whatsoever!! The doctor examined me and said "oh if you are having a m/c then at least you can try again" I can remember thinking no one was telling me what was going on. All i wanted to know was if my baby was okay. They also refused to scan me until the weds.
> 
> On the wednesday i went to the scan. I think i knew deep down after all the pain and blood there would be nothing there. They told me that the baby measured 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. We were then sent to the gyne ward where i was examined and she pulled away tissue from my cervix. I can remember thinking to myself "was that the baby?"
> 
> A week later i went for the second scan and got the all clear. It was a relief but at the same time it was sad. I kinda thought they would be wrong and up would pop a healthy heartbeat.
> 
> In hindsight i had an orangey discharge for a week or so before the m/c. I dont know if it had anything to do with the m/c but thought i would mention it.
> 
> We decided to start trying as soon as i stopped bleeding. Although im pretty sure i didnt ovulate that cycle at all. When my period arrived i felt absolutely gutted.. i found i was more upset and emotional now than when the m/c had happened.
> 
> To this day i still think about my baby every hour, nearly every thought is ocuppied about "what i would be doing/eating/saying if i was still pregnant" I also think i grieve more of where i should be in my pregnancy, than for the actual process of m/c. I also appreciate that when i need to cry, i cry...when i need to get angry i do. Otherwise it would just eat me up inside.
> 
> I hope this stories, and yours if you add them will help someone.
> 
> xx

I'm so sorry for your loss:hugs:, I have to say it sounds much more painful than mine, as I had morphine coursing through my veins throughout the whole experience (I was 14 weeks and the doctor decided to induce labor to get everything on it's way before the long weekend- memorial day). I think this post is a great idea, so I am going to post my story after this. 

Also, you mentioned the orange-y blood prior to the mc. I think that it is possible it is connected. Recently I had a chemical pregnancy at 4 weeks. I had a brown discharge (which I thought was implantation bleeding), then 2 days of no spotting, the full on red. I think the body takes a minute to get moving sometimes... Either that or it really was implantation bleeding in my case. I think that the most difficult part of pregnancy in general is that no woman is the exact same and it's hard to tell what is "normal" since we are all so different...


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## bakeranm99

Great idea for a post! Get the feelings out! :thumbup:

MC1- I was 14 weeks along, or so I thought. I went to the doctor for my check up. She couldn't find a heartbeat with a doppler, so she sent me for an ultrasound. The baby had passed at 13.2 weeks. I was medically induced 2 days later, she said it would be better to get things finished before Memorial Day weekend. I waited 4 hours and the baby was out, then 5.5 more hours before the afterbirth. I thought things were fine, as the ultrasound showed all clear. 

1 month later, I thought it was time for AF, but after a month of heavy/light/on-off bleeding, and even negaitve pregnancy tests, I hemorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion and a D&C (personally I think this should have been done to begin with). Turns out that although urine tests were negative, this whole time I had HCG of about 6 two months after my miscarriage (and blood test determined I was pregnant). After the hemorrhaging, they said my levels were going down and that I the blood test finally said I wasn't pregnant anymore. I was put back on the pill and on iron supplements as I was anemic from the long term bleeding. Overall it was awful, but I think that my doctor made it worse. The D&C should have been done to begin with- everyone I have spoke with said that it was ludacris for that not to have been non-negotiable. 

MC2- I was only 4 weeks. It was the first month we had even tried to conceive, and the first month back off bc. I had a feeling I was, as I had been tracking when we bded and the days for implantation bleeding (I think) were right on track. Two days later, I started heavy-periodlike bleeding. I swear it felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. I have been so nervous as the only experiences I have had with mc are that they are incomplete and result it anemia and hemorrhaging. It ended up being similar to a normal af and nothing to worry about. However, this AF following it, has been less than semi-normal... makes me nervous. I go to the doctor for a so-called annual tomorrow, so hopefully they will give me answers and maybe check everything out! 

Overall, mc is difficult and scary. It's such a taboo subject. The most difficult part I think is that no one pregnancy is the exact same, nor mc, or af. It's hard to determine what is "normal". Fear of the uncertainty can be overwhelming and stressful. I hope all you ladies find the strength to heal and get help if you need it! :hugs:


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## thelowlander

I sit here on my couch still trying to collect myself. I am numb and ever so lost. I am so thankful for all you ladies who have shared your stories. I just can't get past the horrific events that have happened and yet the mesmorizing life stopping moment of seeing my baby. The overwhelming swarm of emotions that started to flow as I held him, and then the numbness as if someone flipped a switch. I just stared in awe. 

So here is my story. 

I was married for 15 years and had 3 beautiful children with a man who took us all for granted. A very long story of patriarchal type society. I divorced and had all but given up. I met a man who amazed me with his true happiness in life and love for his children. Long story short I ended up pregnant and very excited to share this with him. We were unable to keep things to ourselves as I seemed to show very quickly and the holidays were coming up. My family would be horrified of the embarrassment of an unwed daughter pregnant. He and I worked through all of this and continued to fall in love all the more. All of our children were very excited and so were his family. 

I have never seen a man so excited and in love with a tiny little baby. He just glowed himself;) 

I knew from the beginning something was off. My body hurt so badly. It ached. I showed very quickly. Had huge headaches. had the promising sickness that should have meant things were ok. But I just felt "off". I had one streak of spotting. I put myself on bed rest at about 8 weeks. 

We went to doc appt as usual at about 10 weeks. They saw a heartbeat on ultrasound. It was strong. 

Went in 11.5 weeks or so and heard the heartbeat. As I went in for my 12.5 week appt I was hopeful that this one would be fine. I finally reached the 2 trimester! The doctor could not find a heartbeat. I was numb. I remember being so angry as I passed through the waiting room seeing the women who clearly were unhappy being pregnant and/or not taking care of themselves and baby clearly. i was so bitter in that moment. Why them and not me?

I went home to naturally mc. It was a long week of denial. no signs of mc. Considered having another US. And then it happened. He was with me...

I jumped off the couch after contracting for hours mumbling in panic over and over "oh God oh God...it's happening".. to the bathroom. He waited outside as I wouldn't let him in. I sat on the toilet and it was like a mini labor. My water broke... I grabbed towels and quickly sat on them. I didn't want him to fall in the toilet. I waited. My body wanted to push but I was so scared for what was about to happen and what I'd see. I finally had to mentally calm and "open" my mind and sould or something.. and then it happened. There was my little baby. Perfect. Over 2 inches long or so? As I had guessed, a boy. Tiny little fingers and toes. Little face adn ears. I welled up with emotion and started sobbing as I scooped the towel up with my little one. And then as if someone flipped a switch, my emotions we silent. I sat in awe and just stared. I couldn't believe my eyes. Finally I wrapped him and we went up to the Oak tree behing my house and buried him. I was just so numb...

I waited and then ran for the bathroom as my body literally burst. Many blood clots and blood everywhere. I flushed and figured it was over. But again I ran from the couch and my body would do it again and again every 15 min or so. Then it stopped for half an hour. I thought the horror was over. But it started again. as it burst 3 more times if felt as though I would pass out. We rushed to the hospital. 

I sat in the waiting room running for the bathroom feeling my life slip as they ignored. Finally I'm called into the room to submit my info. I'm sitting on a blanket I brought. They are taking their time as I feel every burst happening. Finally I say "Mam, I'm sorry but I think I've completely filled your chair." As I stand up she goes pale and now...finally...everyone starts to rush. I'm rushed bleeding alll the way down the hallway to a room. Where I continue to burst and I start to fade out to the floor. My hearing is gone and everybody starts to fade. I end up on the table still bursting. A doctor finally comes in clearly annoyed to even be there. He spreads my legs and does not tell me what he is doing at all. Takes some sort of suction thing and starts aggressively "getting things". As I start to slip away again my man asks if I can have anything for pain (duh) and they do so and the torture continues. He jams me packed full of stuff because they can't stop the bleeding and we wait for my doctor. I am moved to another room and fade out again. I find out later my blood pressure was 58 over 47? And I was white ashy grey color. 

My doctor comes in and starts reeming on my stomach with his other arm up you know where just severely jamming and trying to get whatever is causing all this. I start to fade out again. He starts talking about having forceps brought up etc... as I'm clenching the bed handle. I am so dehydrated the last hours I can't even swallow. When I try, I start to choke on my tongue. At that moment one single tear makes it, and I beg and tell him I am just all done. Please...please put me under. 

They finally do so. The lady tells me the medicine will make my already low bp drop and she will be trying to stabilize it with other medicine. Scared but feeling "all done" I slip away... I wake up and it is done. I am pale, weak, but finally not bleeding. They can't decide whether or not to do a transfusion... 

Anyway... Lesson learned... Get a d and c. I would never try to do that naturally again.

But it's hard. I am ever grateful for that moment of peace before the trauma. The closure of seeing my little one. 

I don't know if I'll ever get over the horrendous trauma at the hospital. I felt like a breeder cow or something. 

I know this is long. And I'm sure I have misspelled so many things. But as I lay on the couch trying to heal. Completely anemic... I wanted to write this out. To try and emotionally heal. I am just beside myself. I don't know how I'll ever see my body the way I used to.


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