# Lost our baby at 17 weeks after amino



## parky

Very sad to be joining this forum as we lost our little bean this weekend at 17 weeks. We are totally devestated and finding it hard to come to terms with everything. We feel terribly guilty that we chose to have the amino after our quad test came back with a 1 in 15 chance of downs. It took us a long time to decide to have it in the first place as we knew we wouldnt do anything but keep the baby if it did have downs but just felt we needed to be prepared which ever the outcome. We researched all the risks etc and although we knew there was a risk of miscarriage we new it was extremely low so took the chance. I started to get contractions on Friday and after 2 trips to the hospital they finally took my pain seriously and admitted me. My contractions got stronger during the night and through Saturday and my water broke at lunch time - my contractions got worse until about 9 pm when they suddenly stopped. We were confused about what was going on and thought maybe there was a tiny chance baby would be ok. A doctor did a scan but couldn't really make out what he was seeing and couldn't find a heartbeat do they left me overnight and planned a proper scan for sun morning. On sun morning after little sleep I told the doctor the catheter was causing me discomfort when I tried to sit up. She said this was unlikely to be the catheter and decided to do an internal. This is when they realised the baby was stuck at the top of the vaginal passage and had been all night!!! ( this is the part I struggle to get out of my mind!) I delivered the baby after a few pushes then was taken to surgery. All the tests so far seem to indicate infection caused our loss which was probably due to the amino! Today we got the amino results and they showed no chromosomal problems. We are really struggling with the guilt and blame ourselves for what happened- how are we ever going to cope with knowing our loss is our fault? Would love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar and can offer some advice


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I haven't been in exactly the same situation as you, I went into spontaneous premature labour and delivered my twins. 

Feeling guilt is normal for any loss, and I know you will feel it more because of the decision you made. All I can say is, it's not certain the loss is because of the amnio test, the infection may have been about to happen anyway. 
If it was caused by the test, you made the choice to have it, with the best of intentions, because it was the best thing for you to do as a family. It wasn't something you did at the drop of a hat, you put a lot of thought and research into it and you believed it was the right choice for you, you weren't to know you would be one of the tiny number who it went wrong for.
I know nothing that I can say will ease your guilt, but just know that we are all here for you, whether you want to cry or shout or ask for advice.

lots of love,
Mhairi xxx


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## Andypanda6570

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Ava right before I did the Amnio, they did a sonogram first before the amnio and the sonogram revealed her heart was no longer beating. I would not blame yourself. I had a lower risk than you for DS and I still was going for the amnio. I know right now your feelings are the way they are but in time you must realize it was not your fault.

This time is difficult enough for you without you blaming yourself , try to be gentle with yourself, it was not your fault.
I am so deeply sorry this is happening, I am here if you ever need me..Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Hellylou

I am so sorry for your loss, how awful. :cry:

I know nothing will ease those feelings that it may have been due to the amnio and therefore avoidable, but there is no way of knowing for sure. I lost my little boy due to my waters breaking early and infection at 16 weeks, and I had no amnio or anything that would have caused it. Sometimes these things just happen spontaneously and it could just be a terrible coincidence. I still torture myself, thinking maybe I did something too energetic, or maybe it was a scan I had at 13 weeks where I had slight bleeding afterwards. I have no idea, but ultimately I have to stop blaming myself, and I know eventually I will find some level of acceptance that this was just a terrible uncontrollable event and nobody's fault. Easier said than done, I know, but this wasn't your fault. :hugs:

This is such a difficult thing to be going through and we are all here to listen whenever you need to talk, because we know the pain you are feeling right now. There are some truly wonderful people in this section of the forum who have been my lifeline through these dark months since my loss.

Big hugs :hugs::hugs:


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## winterwonder

I'm sorry for your loss. I know its difficult but try not to blame yourselves, you did what you thought was right for the situation you were in and you've come to the best place for support s all the ladies here are lovely. :hugs: xxx


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## daopdesign

Hi, I'm sorry I can't offer any of my experineces with this as I've never done an amnio but I can imagine how awful you must be feeling. You cannot blame yourself and you made the right decision to prepare you both for what could have been a very big challenge ahead.

Again, another example of hospital care acting when it's just too late. I'm really sorry for your loss xxx


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## KamIAm

Hi Sweetie and (unfortunately) Welcome... :hugs:

You have found the perfect place to fall ... We will be here for you:flower:

I am terribly sorry you have been thrown into this nightmare but just know you are never alone ... I lost my daughter almost 9 months ago ... I started having contractions at 19 weeks, was admitted and monitored, had lots of scans done, she was perfect but they was trying to figure out why I was having contractions, there was no good answer they liked so they told me that I NEEDED to have an amnio done because I HAD to have had an infection and I needed that done to confirm.. I was given the talk about the risks but I was made to believe I had no choice and that this was what was expected... I had the amnio done sent back up to my room under observation when about 8 hours later my water suddenly broke, I wasn't having any contractions it just gushed! :cry: My Emma was born 6 hours later, born sleeping, she didn't have a chance .. Too tiny, weight 8.7 ounces and was 6 inches long ...

A few weeks later, I got the results of the amnio... NO infection... Nothing! I was just going into premature labor because my cervix is crap.. Weak, We now know I have IC, Incompetent Cervix.. aka Crappy Cervix..... Something VERY treatable...:cry:

So the Amnio wasn't NEEDED in my situation either... I still feel that test destroyed my hopes and dreams... My labor had stopped on it's own and then I had that amnio done and ended it all .... :cry:

I am SOOO sorry for dumping all this but I just wanted to you know ...YOU ARE NOT ALONE :hugs: 

XOXO ~ Kelly:flower:


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## parky

thank you all for your messages - as i am sure you all know, your words mean so much to us and although each message has set me off in floods of tears it is so helpful to know we are not alone with the way we feel. i am so sorry for all of your losses and hope i can be as brave and strong as you all are.


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## mhazzab

parky said:


> thank you all for your messages - as i am sure you all know, your words mean so much to us and although each message has set me off in floods of tears it is so helpful to know we are not alone with the way we feel. i am so sorry for all of your losses and hope i can be as brave and strong as you all are.

you will never be alone in here :hugs:. 
The first days and weeks are unbearable and heartbreaking, and you will never ever get over this, but I promise you that it does start to get a little easier over time. always here for you xxx


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## OliveBay

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Please be kind and gentle to yourself and please do not lay any blame on yourselves, this was not your fault. :hugs:


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## yazoo

I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't blame yourself. Always here if you need to chat. xxx


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## amotherslove

i am so sorry.. what a terrible thing.. it is not your fault.. doctors so downplay the risks involved in amniocentesis. i hope that the coming months are kind to you while you struggle to cope with your loss..


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## ashley2pink

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Please don't blame yourself. It's in no way your fault.


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## babylou

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had failed CVS and then Amnio as we had a 1 in 80 of Downs. We lost Samuel a week after the Amnio, and have been advised that either CVS or Amnio was likely to have been the cause. However, they can't rule out a natural loss. The Amnio results came back clear, no downs.....:cry:

I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment, empty, crappy and generally not too good. 

Both you and your OH need to look after each other and support each other through this terrible time. I know that's how we got through it. Our 7 year old DD was also a great help to us at this time. Do you have other children?

Please take care, and, believe me, it does actually get a little better with time.

Thinking of you.

love and hugs :hugs::hugs:

please PM if you need to chat xx


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## jennijunni

I am so, so sorry. Please dont blame yourself, even though it is a common reaction. Be easy on yourself. I am so sorry you have to go through it. We are all here for you and will be here to listen. I too lost a baby boy at 17 weeks. I am thinking of you, and keeping you and your husband in my prayers. Hugs.


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## kiki04

I lost my baby at 16 weeks and 6 days and I too blamed myself. Afterall, babies dont just die for no reason right? :shrug: Wrong :( I found every single thing I could to blame myself... it was this, it was that etc etc etc but when it comes down to the real truth, it could have been me, it could not have been me and I could no longer torture myself, which was preventing me from healing over something that was a "could be". You will never know the real cause so please dont make the automatic assumption (that so many of us have done) that is was you :hugs: This is already hard enough on you so please dont make it even harder, by adding insult to injury :cry: I know you want to find someone SOMETHING to blame... but blaming wont bring your baby back, nor will it heal the pain :hugs: My heart hurts for you so bad that you are carrying that burden of guilt, but I promise you one day, it WILL go away, it WILL get better and you will smile when you think of your sweet angel who is with you everywhere you go. How many people can say they have their very own angel? You have one of the best kinds too :cloud9:

I really hope the coming weeks are gentle on you and you find away to let go of that guilt.... its honestly something you have to do in order to heal properly... and I say this as we have all been in your shoes and know just where you are coming from :hugs:


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## emk10

Sorry you are going through this nightmare. 

Just wanted to send :hugs: x


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## parky

thanks again everyone - your messages really do help. i am finding things harder at night time for some reason - the minute i get in bed i cant shake the feeling of sadness and whereas during the day i seem to be able to push the thoughts away by keeping busy, i cant stop replaying everything once i am in bed. every morning it feels like it hits me a fresh!! 

i am so lucky that we already have a gorgeous boy (2 and1/2) and having him really helps although sometimes is a painful reminder of what we have lost and what our baby would have become. 

i am also finding it hard not knowing the gender of our baby. the doctors said it was too early to tell and we will have to wait for the postmortem but i want to name the baby so badly and it doesnt feel like he/she has a proper identity until we know this. last night my lovely hubby bought home a porcelaine feather christmas tree decoration and suggested we write the babies name on the back and bring it out every year when we decorate the tree as a reminder of our little bean. that set me off again but is such a lovely thought. did anyone else have to wait to find out the gender of their baby?

thanks again everyone - am so glad i found you all


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## Bride2b

Hi Parky, I read your post yesterday and just couldnt find the words to say to another mother who has had to join us here, especially at this time of year. I love logging onto here as everyone here is so supportive & I dont think I would be in the same place as I am in now without everyone. But at the same time feel such sadness to learn that another family have had to suffer something dreadful. All I can say is guilt seems to be a very common feeling - I felt huge amounts of guilt & often hear myself saying 'if I had this..' 'If I hadnt gone to work that day...' I dont know what caused my loss & have to wait a few more weeks to find out. It might be the amnio that caused it, but you went through with that with good intentions, but again it might not have been the cause. 
I am sure things will get easier once you know if your little angel has pink or blue wings, and you can give him/her a lovely name. Its very hard to try and grieve without an identity. I promise you things get easier, I lost my baby almost 4 weeks ago (we have the funeral tomorrow) and yesterday was the first time I managed to not shed a tear all day. I'm not sure how many of those days I will have in the near future but it gives me a sign that I dont always have to feel utter sadness when I think of him. There is not a second that goes by where I dont think of him. I think its about finding a way of making peace with knowing that you created a little life & that no matter what you will love him/her forever. And doing something that makes it easier for you. 
I have made up a beautiful sparkly photo frame with his little hand and foot prints and scan picture in. I look at it and it reminds me how much I love him & that he is special, but I dont feel sad as its something I have done in his memory.
The Christmas decoration is a lovely idea. Its these little things that do help you find peace.
I hope you dont have to wait too long until you get answers to your questions & before you can give your little one a name. In the mean time I'm going to give you a :hugs: and say I hope you find this part of the forum of use as you can guarantee someone else on here has felt/is feeling the way you are.
xx


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## v2007

Oh Parky, i am so sorry. 

V xxxx


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## MummyStobe

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard but please don't blame yourself, this is in no way your fault.

All the ladies here are wonderful and supportive and I hope you get as much comfort from them as I have.

Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. Sending big :hugs:

Fly high little angel :angel: xx


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## majored

Hi, im very sorry to hear your news. I lost my baby at 18.5 weeks and i gave birth to him last Wed, after my waters broke.

This last week has gone very slow but ive tried to keep busy. I blame myself for everything, things i did or i didnt do. The people on here have helped me no end, giving me support and help. 

I have good moments where i try and be positive and then the next thing im down again. I get very upset reading some of the ladies stories on here. 

We can all help each other. 

Please take care xxx


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## babylou

parky said:


> thanks again everyone - your messages really do help. i am finding things harder at night time for some reason - the minute i get in bed i cant shake the feeling of sadness and whereas during the day i seem to be able to push the thoughts away by keeping busy, i cant stop replaying everything once i am in bed. every morning it feels like it hits me a fresh!!
> 
> i am so lucky that we already have a gorgeous boy (2 and1/2) and having him really helps although sometimes is a painful reminder of what we have lost and what our baby would have become.
> 
> i am also finding it hard not knowing the gender of our baby. the doctors said it was too early to tell and we will have to wait for the postmortem but i want to name the baby so badly and it doesnt feel like he/she has a proper identity until we know this. last night my lovely hubby bought home a porcelaine feather christmas tree decoration and suggested we write the babies name on the back and bring it out every year when we decorate the tree as a reminder of our little bean. that set me off again but is such a lovely thought. did anyone else have to wait to find out the gender of their baby?
> 
> thanks again everyone - am so glad i found you all

Yes, we had to wait to confirm the gender of Sam. Ironically the Amnio provided the results for us, we chose not to have a PM done. It is a horrible wait, and very upsetting when confirmed. :cry:

The Christmas tree decoration is a lovely idea, I searched all over for something for Samuel. I found a little sleeping cherub (which is not really just for Christmas) and a glass dragonfly and both are on the tree now.

It's going to be a hard Christmas for us all. Sorry....

Take care and hugs to you all

:hugs::hugs:


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## Rhiannon

im so sorry to hear your sad news. my heart goes out to you xx


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## bellaswedus

i am so sorry about your loss. i did the amino yesterday and i am more scared of a mc than anything being wrong with our baby. i hope you have great support around you that can help you get through this hardship. big hug to you.


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my babies to spontaneous rupture of membranes and possible infection, possible IC, so it does unfortunately happen without any reason or disturbance such as amnio. So it could well be just horrid luck and nothing at all to do with you having the test done that caused this. I know you will feel awful guilt and try to blame something you did (we all do this, regardless) but please try not to let this consume you. I wish you gentle days ahead and I hope you find the comfort here that I do. xxx


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## parisa

Oh darling, it was not ur fault.....pls stop blaming urself. I know that baby was healthy and u decided to have the amnio, but they gave u a 1 in 15 chance of downs. You were both amazing parents to even go through amnio......u wanted to know so that u could educate and prepare urself for baby just in case he/she did have downs.....
If u knew that baby was healthy, u woulda never consedered amnio.
My story is a little different from urs, but when u read, u will see that I was truly at fault for the loss of my baby (now I am bawling).
That day I was going to doc and my husband honked the horn.....there were 42 stairs to get downstairs to the car. I was in a hurry to get to the doc and guess what? I was wearing my ugz boots and I slipped. To make a long story short, that night my water broke and blodd started pumping out of me as if I had been stabbed. E veryone kept telling me that maybe it was meant to happen and that maybe the baby had to go to be an angle becuz she would be born with downs, or some chromosomal defect......
Well, we had the baby tested and guess what? Baby was as healthy as could be. We then had the remains cremated.....
What kills me even more is that becuz we knew that the stairs were almost deadly for a pregnant woman, we were going to be moving in two weeks time. I was almost five months pregnant when this happened.

Sweetie, u cannot blame urself for this.....u were both amazing parents to be that u cared enough to even ask for amnio. How were u to know? It is just nasty things that happen in nature that steal our hearts and break us up like this....but i will tell u one thing.....it has been exactly one year now since my loss.....it will never leave ur heart, but it does get better over time.....trust me.

ps: i hate saying the words: 'i am sorry for ur loss' cuz it does nothing for the person, but what i will say is that i will pray for u tonight , I pray that God will give u strenghth and courage and will and power to wake up everyday and face the world.

Kisses,
Parisa
Parisa


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## Andypanda6570

parisa said:


> Oh darling, it was not ur fault.....pls stop blaming urself. I know that baby was healthy and u decided to have the amnio, but they gave u a 1 in 15 chance of downs. You were both amazing parents to even go through amnio......u wanted to know so that u could educate and prepare urself for baby just in case he/she did have downs.....
> If u knew that baby was healthy, u woulda never consedered amnio.
> My story is a little different from urs, but when u read, u will see that I was truly at fault for the loss of my baby (now I am bawling).
> That day I was going to doc and my husband honked the horn.....there were 42 stairs to get downstairs to the car. I was in a hurry to get to the doc and guess what? I was wearing my ugz boots and I slipped. To make a long story short, that night my water broke and blodd started pumping out of me as if I had been stabbed. E veryone kept telling me that maybe it was meant to happen and that maybe the baby had to go to be an angle becuz she would be born with downs, or some chromosomal defect......
> Well, we had the baby tested and guess what? Baby was as healthy as could be. We then had the remains cremated.....
> What kills me even more is that becuz we knew that the stairs were almost deadly for a pregnant woman, we were going to be moving in two weeks time. I was almost five months pregnant when this happened.
> 
> Sweetie, u cannot blame urself for this.....u were both amazing parents to be that u cared enough to even ask for amnio. How were u to know? It is just nasty things that happen in nature that steal our hearts and break us up like this....but i will tell u one thing.....it has been exactly one year now since my loss.....it will never leave ur heart, but it does get better over time.....trust me.
> 
> ps: i hate saying the words: 'i am sorry for ur loss' cuz it does nothing for the person, but what i will say is that i will pray for u tonight , I pray that God will give u strenghth and courage and will and power to wake up everyday and face the world.
> 
> Kisses,
> Parisa
> Parisa

Thanks for sharing your story, it is heartbreaking. You are very strong and you are right we can never blame ourselves, how can we when we are suffering so much as we wanted these little angels so bad. :cry:
So sorry for all the losses , my heart goes out to you all. XOOXOXOXO
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## parky

parisa said:


> Oh darling, it was not ur fault.....pls stop blaming urself. I know that baby was healthy and u decided to have the amnio, but they gave u a 1 in 15 chance of downs. You were both amazing parents to even go through amnio......u wanted to know so that u could educate and prepare urself for baby just in case he/she did have downs.....
> If u knew that baby was healthy, u woulda never consedered amnio.
> My story is a little different from urs, but when u read, u will see that I was truly at fault for the loss of my baby (now I am bawling).
> That day I was going to doc and my husband honked the horn.....there were 42 stairs to get downstairs to the car. I was in a hurry to get to the doc and guess what? I was wearing my ugz boots and I slipped. To make a long story short, that night my water broke and blodd started pumping out of me as if I had been stabbed. E veryone kept telling me that maybe it was meant to happen and that maybe the baby had to go to be an angle becuz she would be born with downs, or some chromosomal defect......
> Well, we had the baby tested and guess what? Baby was as healthy as could be. We then had the remains cremated.....
> What kills me even more is that becuz we knew that the stairs were almost deadly for a pregnant woman, we were going to be moving in two weeks time. I was almost five months pregnant when this happened.
> 
> Sweetie, u cannot blame urself for this.....u were both amazing parents to be that u cared enough to even ask for amnio. How were u to know? It is just nasty things that happen in nature that steal our hearts and break us up like this....but i will tell u one thing.....it has been exactly one year now since my loss.....it will never leave ur heart, but it does get better over time.....trust me.
> 
> ps: i hate saying the words: 'i am sorry for ur loss' cuz it does nothing for the person, but what i will say is that i will pray for u tonight , I pray that God will give u strenghth and courage and will and power to wake up everyday and face the world.
> 
> Kisses,
> Parisa
> Parisa

thank you so much for your reply and i really appreciate you sharing your story. im sorry you have found yourself here and your story made me very sad. you have really been through a lot and seem so strong and level headed about it all. Things have got easier on the 'guilt' front for me as the weeks have gone by - i would still give anything to go back and change the choice we made but i have come to realise that i would probably have beaten myself up about something else if it wasnt the amnio!!! i have also realised that there is nothing i can do to change the past and the grief is enough to cope with without adding regret etc into the mix. i am still having ups and downs and arranging the cremation etc has been very tough emotionally and its still 2 weeks until we actually have the cremation so i am sure there will be many more ups and downs but i feel like i am slowly getting there.
thanks again for everyones support


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## Nikki_d72

:hug: sweetie, you are right, you would find something else to blame, I think we all did. I lifted a heavy keg at work a couple of days prior to my waters breaking, I was blaming that, I was blaming having sex the week before, I was blaming only having a bath and no shower - it could have been any of these things or none, at some point you just have to accept that you will never know, though it's a long time coming and a tough place to get to. I hope the cremation is as lovely as it can be and I wish you gentle days ahead. xxx

Parisa, I'm so sorry for your loss too honey, thank you for sharing your story. Please don't blame yourself either, you didn't throw yourself down the stairs, you slipped honey, it was an awful accident.

xxx


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## parisa

Nikki, u r so sweet darling.
There are such amazing people here, such as urself.....just wondering how come I don't have more people like u in my life????? 
Like I mentioned before, I hate saying: I am so sorry for ur loss, cuz it just gets old.
But I was so sad for u, to lose twins.....that must be double pain and heartbreak.
I have come to realize that babies whom are not given a chance at life were meant to be flying abouve us an angels. Nikki, your little ones musta been too good for this world, trust me sweetie. 
I don't know what else to say...but it does get better over time, however there will always be a missing piece in every mother's heart when they lose either a fetus or child.

Kisses,
Parisa

ps; I am a great listener, and I am here for anybody who feels sad and wants to talk about anything...and I mean anything.


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