# Lost my little boy at 17+5 weeks.



## River12

Hi there,

I have posted in another thread but just wanted to put it out there and speak with other women who have been or are where I am right now.
I lost my little boy 1st march this year at 17+5 weeks. Sorry for TMI!

My pregnancy had been somewhat troublesome. I had some bleeding but was told it was nothing to be concerned about.

Due to a previous early miscarriage we were so anxious for that magic 12 week scan. I had seen our little baby already and saw a beautiful strong heartbeat. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I knew if all was ok with this scan we could share our fantastic news with the world. The day arrived and it went perfectly. There was our little baby I affectionately nicknamed Button on the screen moving his hands around. Then the Doppler was turned on and I heard the beautiful sound of his little heart racing. It was nothing short of amazing. 

At about 14 weeks the bleeding returned and continued for 2 weeks.
We were due to have our engagement party the following weekend when I would have been 16 weeks.
The night of the party arrived and people started flowing in. What a special night it was supposed to be for us. I started to feel slightly sick so I snuck off for a little lie down. The bleeding was still very apparent. Something wasnt right. I went to the bathroom to discover massive clots giving way as I sat then something got stuck!
I was rushed to the hospital. The Dr saw me straight away, and removed a large clot. I had a quick scan and saw that my baby still had a strong heartbeat. He was hanging in there.
We had to wait 2 days for a formal ultrasound. We found out I wasn't just loosing blood but my amniotic fluid was also leaking.
The following day I was referred to a maternity hospital and told to present there ASAP.
We were told that our baby would be ok in the protective walls of my womb where I can provide him with all he needs but his poor little lungs would not develop without the fluid for him to breathe in and he wouldnt manage on his own on the outside. We were advised to begin to induce my labour but I couldn't give up on him just yet. I was also fearful at having to give birth for the first time and not be able to take my baby home.
The doctor agreed to give me a week to see if I could replenish the amniotic fluid for my little Button. I was put on strict bed rest and was to report back to them in three days to ensure I hadnt developed an infection. I was prescribed some antibiotics to keep infection at bay and told to keep watch for any signs of infection including feeling ill, developing a temp and aching. If infection was to occur, my uterus could turn septic and require a full hysterectomy.
If an infection was to develop or there was no change within a week, they wanted to induce my labour. I knew in my heart this was not an option I would not do that while my baby still had a heartbeat!

I didn't develop an infection but when I went back the following week, there was still no fluid around my baby, and they wanted to induce me. My OH was beginning to agree with the Dr as he was now also concerned for my well-being. I couldn't do it and left the hospital.

the following night I felt my baby move inside me for the first time I couldn't believe it. Later that night I felt an uncomfortable sensation in my abdomen so I went to bed to try and sleep through it. I woke at 12.30am still with the pains. I had no idea what contractions felt like so I couldn't be sure what I was feeling. Deep in my heart I guess I knew exactly what it was I just wasnt prepared to believe I was in labour.
I was then taken by ambulance to the hospital and delivered my beautiful little boy at 10.45am. He was so tiny and so perfect! How could something so perfect be taken from you? This was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I wanted so badly for him to still be with us. It wasnt fair what we were going through. We had done everything right why did this have to happen to us?

I think he knew I couldnt make the decision to be induced so he made the decision for us. We decided to name him River - because our love for him will forever flow, just like a River.


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## Fruitymeli

sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Garnet

So sorry, lost my little boy same time:hugs::hugs:


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## Jenagainttc

So heartbreaking, I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. I've lit a little candle for river, and please God he helps you both to have a healthy non-problematic pregnancy in the near future.

Thinking of you xxx


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## Shezza84uk

So sorry for your loss River is a lovely name. X


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## mhazzab

I was so sad to read your story - it breaks my heart seeing another mummy having to find her way here. I love the name you gave to your son, it's just perfect.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been, to have the bleeding and fluid loss going on for so long, it must have been very hard for you to go through that. With my loss it was just three days between my first feeling that something wasn't right, and giving birth to my beautiful girls, and those three days were torture.

The following days and weeks were terrible, I've never known so much pain and I honestly didn't see how I could ever smile again, but slowly it started to get a little better. I miss my daughters so much but most of the time I can remember them with a smile now, instead of a breakdown. It seems so cruel to give birth to a perfect yet just too small baby and be forced to come home alone. I can't see a reason for it.

I wouldn't have gotten through this without the support of some amazing women on here, I hope you can find the same kind of comfort.

sending lots of love to you and little River x


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## creatingpeace

I am so sorry about River and your pain.


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## River12

thankyou all so much for your kind words.
You hear about things like this happening to people but I would have never imagined that I would have to go through something like this.
It is great to be able to have a place to talk to other women who have experienced the loss of a child.
We want so badly to start a family but after 2 losses I know I am going to be a wreck with any other pregnancy. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason but I just cant even begin to think what reason would there be for this to happen to us!
Im going to try and take some strength from others that have been there.


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## daopdesign

I had a similar thing happen to me from 12 weeks but it was spotting rather than bleeding but like you I went on and lost the baby, I was 16 weeks exactly when it was confirmed there was no hb. The didn't run any tests nothing, just said it's common. Hmmm, well I have to live with the fact that this was nature's way of ending something that wasn't meant to be. I'm now 31 weeks pregnant and everything is fine so don't give up hope or feel you will never go on to have a baby. Sorry for your loss, it's crap that you've found yourself here but there is lots of support for you xxx


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## mhazzab

River12 said:


> thankyou all so much for your kind words.
> You hear about things like this happening to people but I would have never imagined that I would have to go through something like this.
> It is great to be able to have a place to talk to other women who have experienced the loss of a child.
> We want so badly to start a family but after 2 losses I know I am going to be a wreck with any other pregnancy. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason but I just cant even begin to think what reason would there be for this to happen to us!
> Im going to try and take some strength from others that have been there.

Yes this is one of those things you just think happens to other people. You cant even begin to imagine understanding how it feels until sadly you are that person. So, it can be difficult to find comfort and support from people in your life. That's why I found this forum such a godsend, to speak to others about how I felt, to know that the anger, Bitterness, jealousy and never ending tears were normal. And then, that the all consuming urge to be pregnant again was also common. 
All I can say is that, I became friends with a group of woman who all lost their babies around the same time as me last year. A large number of us are now pregnant with our rainbow babies, most of us in or near third tri. It's been stressful and not always plain sailing but I believe we will all get our happy endings. A new pregnancy is very stressful, but I can say that the extra care I have been given by the hospital has been very comforting. Wanting another baby doesn't mean you love River and your other angel any less, it's just giving them a little brother or sister to make mummy and daddy happy. X


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## River12

mhazzab - you are so right. It is so hard to make people around you understand how it feels and the truth is they never will understand it.
One of my friends has just had a baby boy and she is keeping at me with coming to meet him and how perfect he is but I just can't do that yet. I feel terrible because I think to myself 'how can she be so truly insensitive about all this'' I know she isn't doing it intentionally because she just doesn't understand what it is like. Another friend is due 8 weeks before I would have been. I have been avoiding her too but I am sure she will at least be able to understand why I have been.
Are you pregnant now with you rainbow baby?
I can't wait to be there but I do know it wont make us miss our angels any less. Any other children we have will have 2 older siblings watching over them.


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## TJMYANGEL

Im so sorry for you loss and what an amazing name for your little boy xx


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## yellowyamyam

:cry: :hugs:


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## Aidan's Mummy

I am so sorry for your loss hun :hugs: x


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## mhazzab

River12 said:


> mhazzab - you are so right. It is so hard to make people around you understand how it feels and the truth is they never will understand it.
> One of my friends has just had a baby boy and she is keeping at me with coming to meet him and how perfect he is but I just can't do that yet. I feel terrible because I think to myself 'how can she be so truly insensitive about all this'' I know she isn't doing it intentionally because she just doesn't understand what it is like. Another friend is due 8 weeks before I would have been. I have been avoiding her too but I am sure she will at least be able to understand why I have been.
> Are you pregnant now with you rainbow baby?
> I can't wait to be there but I do know it wont make us miss our angels any less. Any other children we have will have 2 older siblings watching over them.

Some people have surprised me since our loss - I've been very disappointed by some people's insensitivity and completely surprised by other people who have reached out and 'understood', well as much as they can anyway. You certainly find out who your friends are. Don't force yourself to see your friends baby if you are not ready...after my loss it seemed like everyone was giving birth or pregnant and it was all girls which made it worse. It made me feel like a failure that I couldn't carry my babies to term and I was so jealous of those who could. They are just excited about their new additions but it feels like rubbing your nose in your failures (well it did to me anyway) if they are friends worth keeping they will understand. It's almost ten months since my twins were born and only now am I feeling more comfortable with seeing babies. For other people it's quicker, for some it's longer.

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and due almost to the day of my daughters' first birthday. I think they will love their special present.
X


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## TwoRdue

I am so so sorry for your loss, I know no words will make you feel better at this point and time.

I lost my twin boys at 17 weeks 5days to on the 13 of march, I had a lot of bleeding for the first 3months and a week before my water broke I started to losing my plug (not that I knew at the time). If you ever need to chat you can message me.
xxxx hugs xxxx


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## River12

thanks again to all for your kind words.
TJmyangel - River was one of our short list names for our baby but when we first laid eyes on our precious boy, it just seemed so fitting! I think of him constantly.

Mhazzab - thats exactly how I fee. I know she is just so excited to have a new addition, but it really does feel like she is just rubbing my nose in it. I received a text from her the other day saying we should catch up and I had already told her DH that we weren't ready so I really had nothing nice to say so I just ignored the text only to receive another one from her today. We have already told them that it is hard for us to see them right now but they just dont get it.
Congrats on your rainbow baby how exciting and how special to have your due date around the twins birthday!

TwoRdue - wow seems we are in almost the exact same boat except you were having twins. that's exactly how my situation panned out. I had the bleeding then eventually my "plug" if you like gave way and I lost the all important fluid around River. I had no idea at the time what was happening I had never experienced this. I just thought it was more bleeding because it was happening in the lead up to it. What is your plan now?

I only just got my first AF since River. Still waiting for blood tests and what not but my Dr has given me the ok to try again.


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## WJB

didn't want to read and run, sorry for your loss :( :hugs::hugs:


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## Redbear21

:hugs: So sorry, heartbreaking x


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## Cracker

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy.

Your loss sounds so very similar to mine on the 20th Feb at 15 weeks, I had a number of bleeds - about 4 days before I ended up in a&e after losing large clots but at every scan our little boy was doing fine. I started leaking fluid and went into PPROM also and I didn't realise my pains were contractions before I gave birth.

The loss is so raw and the shock is just unreal. I feel quite at peace about it now and I hope that in time you will too and you will get your special baby xx


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## River12

Hi Cracker, I think that is what made it all so hard. Every single scan I had (and there were many) he was fine, there was no infection and he had a strong heartbeat. I still don't actually know when I lost him. I am guessing it was during my labour some time. Each day is slowing getting better than the one before but I know I will never truly get over it.

We are heading out on a holiday in the next few weeks. Can't wait to spend some quality time with OH. we just miss our little boy so so much!


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## carly_mummy2b

I'm so sorry for your loss hun xxxx


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## TwoRdue

River12 said:


> thanks again to all for your kind words.
> TJmyangel - River was one of our short list names for our baby but when we first laid eyes on our precious boy, it just seemed so fitting! I think of him constantly.
> 
> Mhazzab - thats exactly how I fee. I know she is just so excited to have a new addition, but it really does feel like she is just rubbing my nose in it. I received a text from her the other day saying we should catch up and I had already told her DH that we weren't ready so I really had nothing nice to say so I just ignored the text only to receive another one from her today. We have already told them that it is hard for us to see them right now but they just dont get it.
> Congrats on your rainbow baby how exciting and how special to have your due date around the twins birthday!
> 
> TwoRdue - wow seems we are in almost the exact same boat except you were having twins. that's exactly how my situation panned out. I had the bleeding then eventually my "plug" if you like gave way and I lost the all important fluid around River. I had no idea at the time what was happening I had never experienced this. I just thought it was more bleeding because it was happening in the lead up to it. What is your plan now?
> 
> I only just got my first AF since River. Still waiting for blood tests and what not but my Dr has given me the ok to try again.

I am now WTT as I have to wait to have two natural cycles before the hubby and I can go back for the IVF as we still have two frozen embryos and another round that is paid for by the government but I also want to wait and see what the test on the boys and me say as depending on the out come it could change everything (I am due to find out next week fingers crossed).

I had a lot of discharge the week before my water broke and thought that it was normal but now I know the signs for the next pregnancy (not that I ever want that to happen again) as I was all new at it but the doc did say that it still would not have changed the out come as it was going to happen know matter what.

Will you be trying again?? for me its what keeps me going! Best of luck


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## DueSeptember

* Sorry for your Loss  what a cute Name!! *


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## River12

TwoRdue said:


> River12 said:
> 
> 
> thanks again to all for your kind words.
> TJmyangel - River was one of our short list names for our baby but when we first laid eyes on our precious boy, it just seemed so fitting! I think of him constantly.
> 
> Mhazzab - thats exactly how I fee. I know she is just so excited to have a new addition, but it really does feel like she is just rubbing my nose in it. I received a text from her the other day saying we should catch up and I had already told her DH that we weren't ready so I really had nothing nice to say so I just ignored the text only to receive another one from her today. We have already told them that it is hard for us to see them right now but they just dont get it.
> Congrats on your rainbow baby how exciting and how special to have your due date around the twins birthday!
> 
> TwoRdue - wow seems we are in almost the exact same boat except you were having twins. that's exactly how my situation panned out. I had the bleeding then eventually my "plug" if you like gave way and I lost the all important fluid around River. I had no idea at the time what was happening I had never experienced this. I just thought it was more bleeding because it was happening in the lead up to it. What is your plan now?
> 
> I only just got my first AF since River. Still waiting for blood tests and what not but my Dr has given me the ok to try again.
> 
> I am now WTT as I have to wait to have two natural cycles before the hubby and I can go back for the IVF as we still have two frozen embryos and another round that is paid for by the government but I also want to wait and see what the test on the boys and me say as depending on the out come it could change everything (I am due to find out next week fingers crossed).
> 
> I had a lot of discharge the week before my water broke and thought that it was normal but now I know the signs for the next pregnancy (not that I ever want that to happen again) as I was all new at it but the doc did say that it still would not have changed the out come as it was going to happen know matter what.
> 
> Will you be trying again?? for me its what keeps me going! Best of luckClick to expand...

My Doctor told me to wait one cycle before TTC again. Like you it is what keeps me going.
I had no idea what was happening at all but like you, I know the signs for next time and I am very much hoping that my next time will be all smooth sailing.

I have my fingers crossed for you and I hope all your results come back ok and you can begin TTC again. I hope so badly that the next round of IVF works for you and hubby! I have everything crossed for you!


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## Vickieh1981

River12 said:


> thankyou all so much for your kind words.
> You hear about things like this happening to people but I would have never imagined that I would have to go through something like this.
> It is great to be able to have a place to talk to other women who have experienced the loss of a child.
> We want so badly to start a family but after 2 losses I know I am going to be a wreck with any other pregnancy. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason but I just cant even begin to think what reason would there be for this to happen to us!
> Im going to try and take some strength from others that have been there.

Yeah it's definitely something like happens to other people and never ourselves. Hits like a slap in the face when it does :(

I'm so sorry you have had to come and join us here xx


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## Ersurgeongirl

So sorry for your loss


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