# Considering giving my baby up for adoption



## BrandiCanucks

My situation is complicated. You can read about it here:

https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-first-trimester/400791-afraid-unknown-4.html

As much as I wanted this baby, and as much as I love this baby, there's so much stress and turmoil between my husband and I and I've realized that I DO want to make my marriage work. It sucks that it took this long and this situation to realize it, but my husband and my family mean so much to me and I don't want to lose that.

So I'm considering giving my baby up for adoption. Not sure if I will go through with that decision at the moment, but it's been a strong consideration on my mind for the last few days.

Has anyone given their child up through open adoption?


----------



## Mummy2Angel.

I've had no experience etc of this situation. But i can understand why you feel like this.....and i'm not going to sit back and judge, i think if you did it would be a huge decision, there are lots of couples out there that cant have babies that would be very greatful. It would be a great thing to do. My main question that you have other children? So why would this baby be any differant? it's still your anyway :shurg:. But whatever you decide i wish you the best, and think it would be a lovely thing for you to do for someone else if you were sure about it hun x


----------



## new_mummy

Did you use a sperm donor AFTER you split with your husband?


----------



## BrandiCanucks

We had agreed to separate and divorce, and had even signed divorce papers. Assuming this marriage was truly over, and not being ready for another relationship, combined with my fertility issues (rapidly progressing endometriosis), I decided to use sperm donation.

I was ready for it, comfortable with my decision, REALLY wanted a baby (and still do) and in an attempt to save a little money for the baby, decided to go with the cheapest option, which has only a 10% sucess rate. Unless by some miracle, this is my husband's baby with only a 20 000 sperm count (we did have sex the night before I ovulated), that 10% got me good. 

Since telling him of the pregnancy, there have been mixed messages. One day, he still wants the divorce, the next, he wants me to stay and wants us to work on our marriage. I still love my husband very very much, and I really want to make the marriage work, however, he has said that he will not raise a child that is not his, nor will he stay with me if the baby is not his.

Maybe it's just my hormones making me think this way, or maybe it's the fear of losing my husband, my family and my home (I would be starting from scratch, pretty much rock bottom, if he left me) but I really want to try and save my marriage, and if it happens to not work out, then wait until the divorce is final before trying to have another child, sperm donor or not.

I keep debating with myself though...could I live with my decision of giving up a baby I so desperately love and want, regardless of whether my marriage works or not, or is it truly the right decision to give my child up for adoption?

It's all so confusing. I have been looking at prospective families, but haven't contacted any of them yet. If I decide to give my child up, it's not because I suddenly don't want the baby or because I don't love him or her, but because my marriage and family means a lot to me too. I'd also be making a very happy family out of a childless couple.


----------



## NeyNey

Wow it sounds like you're in some turmoil. I can't imagine being in your shoes. But I'm not here to judge. Yes you will make a childless couple very very happy, but you need to make sure you are doing this for you and the child, not for anyone else (including your husband) because in the end hun, you are the one who has to live with this decision.

Best of luck xox


----------



## QuintinsMommy

you could make another couple really happy
BUT
I have a feeling you will always regret giving your baby up,I've read your story. your relationship seems like its been rocky for along time if you give up this baby, and it doesnt work out, will you be able to forgive yourself?
what if this baby was your ex husbands? what would happen then? :S

Sorry I know nothing about divorce
but I do know alot about having a baby no one else wants, but me, and it worked out for me.
also, you wrote when you had a big chat with him about how HE felt how YOU don't love him , lots of men raise children that aren't theirs because they love the mother, doesn't he understand how you feel about giving up the baby? :S or is he just selfish?
I know break ups are hard, but they are called break ups because its broken!


----------



## Mummy2Angel.

How would you be able to give birth to this baby, hold it, see it and then hand it over to someone else, especially when you already have children? I could maybe understand why someone who doesnt have children might come to this decision, but you yourself must know how it feels to hold your child for the first time and the love you will feel, how would you be able to give that away? when you havent given any of your other children away? I'm not judging but just looking at it from another point of view hun x


----------



## BrandiCanucks

And that's what I'm afraid of too, holding my baby and not being able to give him/her away, or later down the road regretting my decision to give him/her up for adoption. I'd want an open adoption, for sure, because I know I'd never be able to fully give him/her away and out of my life.

I know deep down my marriage is over, but it's so hard to give someone and something up that you love so much and have had for so long. My biggest fear is being alone. I know I could make a great single mom, but I'm afraid of being without my husband and my family.

I also look at what I have now, a beautiful home in a friendly neighbourhood (the richer part of town, but we are not rich in any sense of the word), we do not pay rent or a mortgage, and leaving this means temporarily ending up in a dirty part of town, around drugs and stuff. It means temporarily ending up in rent-geared-to-income housing, and possibly on welfare. When I say I'd be starting from scratch, I mean starting from scratch. I'm a full-time student right now, set to graduate in June, but with a newborn baby, I wouldn't be able to just run out and find a job.

I'm just trying to weigh all the best options. I love this baby, I want this baby, regardless of what happens between my and my husband, but I also need to do what is best for the baby.


----------



## Ju_bubbs

From reading what you've said, I get the impression that its more your family situation that you want, rather than your husband deep down.. I dont mean thtt to come acros in a horrible way, just don't know if you've thought about it like that? If you were going to have to leave your home and start from scratch in a shitty huse in a shitty part of town whether you fixed your marriage or not, would having your husband still be so important to you?

As for adoption, obviously you've thought about it a lot, and still got a lot more thinking to do. I'm worrying that maybe you're considering it for the wrong reasons.. whether you and your husband go your seperate ways, or you try and work things out, you really have to put yourself and the baby first, adoption isn't something you can just live with for the sake of someone else.

I'm not sure I've worded all that very well, please dont take any of it the wrong way!
I hope everything works out for you and your baby whatever you decide to do :hugs:


----------



## billy2mm

have you thought about what if this baby is your husbands?

as you said he has a low sperm count and the ai you used only has a 10% success rate so to me its like there is just as much a chance of him being the father as the donor.


----------



## Seraphim

I hope you find peace somewhere - sounds like a very difficult situation :hugs:


----------



## 2ndtimer

i dont understand after reading all you post and your story.

you and your husband betrayed each other, by him having a vasectomy and then you using a sperm doner? i can clearly see that you both see each betrayal very significantly, and dont think you as a couple can completly put this behind you. Because of this how do you think that by giving up the one thing that you wanted so much and that was a huge part of your problems(a baby) is going to make things work between you. how will you be able to look at you husband without remorse if you give away your child.

how can your husband have such a high sperm count after a vasectomy?

i relaly dont want to sound harsh and am in no way judging you but i think you would be better off leaving your marriage and home, (not all dependant and income support houses are in these drug and run down locations) and concentrate on the live growing inside you and the 2 little children you already have. this situation you are currntly living in can not be the best for them and certainally for you also. good luck in whatever you do and remeber yur 2 LO and bumo come before anything else.


----------



## BrandiCanucks

We live in a city that has a very high drug usage rate and also carries the highest teen pregnancy rate in all of our province. Very few places in the city are drug-free, if at all. We actually just read in the paper this week that a house in our area (the richer part of town) was just busted for a grow operation - $26-million worth.

I want to work on our marriage. I know he still loves me (he's told me) and that he wants to work on it too. The only thing stopping us from working on it is that he believes I am the issue and need to change. He doesn't believe he has to work on anything.

I do want this baby, I love this baby so much already, and I love my husband and family too. Right now, I realize, was not the perfect time to be having another baby either.

I just don't know what to do. I always swore I wouldn't raise my children in RGI housing or on welfare, but when I said I'd have to start from the bottom, I wasn't kidding.


----------



## QuintinsMommy

where do you live?


----------



## Ju_bubbs

Raising children on welfare isn't THAT bad, some of us HAVE no choice in the matter, and most people probably have or will do even for a short time at some point in their lives because lives rarely go as planned, and are not always perect all the time. I don't see that as a reason to give away a baby that is clearly very wanted!

As for drugs again, most people probably have or will at some point in their lives have to live in a bad area at some point for whatever reason.. it's not ideal, but it doesn't mean your baby will turn into a drug user! lock your doors, take them to parks outside the area to play etc, and do all that you can to build a better life for yourself and your children.

Your best is all you can do in situations like this, it's not like you'll have to live like that forever :hugs:


----------



## Steph63

BrandiCanucks said:


> We had agreed to separate and divorce, and had even signed divorce papers. Assuming this marriage was truly over, and not being ready for another relationship, combined with my fertility issues (rapidly progressing endometriosis), I decided to use sperm donation.
> 
> I was ready for it, comfortable with my decision, REALLY wanted a baby (and still do) and in an attempt to save a little money for the baby, decided to go with the cheapest option, which has only a 10% sucess rate. Unless by some miracle, this is my husband's baby with only a 20 000 sperm count (we did have sex the night before I ovulated), that 10% got me good.
> 
> Since telling him of the pregnancy, there have been mixed messages. One day, he still wants the divorce, the next, he wants me to stay and wants us to work on our marriage. I still love my husband very very much, and I really want to make the marriage work, however, he has said that he will not raise a child that is not his, nor will he stay with me if the baby is not his.
> 
> Maybe it's just my hormones making me think this way, or maybe it's the fear of losing my husband, my family and my home (I would be starting from scratch, pretty much rock bottom, if he left me)* but I really want to try and save my marriage, and if it happens to not work out, then wait until the divorce is final before trying to have another child, sperm donor or not.*
> 
> I keep debating with myself though...could I live with my decision of giving up a baby I so desperately love and want, regardless of whether my marriage works or not, or is it truly the right decision to give my child up for adoption?
> 
> It's all so confusing. I have been looking at prospective families, but haven't contacted any of them yet. If I decide to give my child up, it's not because I suddenly don't want the baby or because I don't love him or her, but because my marriage and family means a lot to me too. I'd also be making a very happy family out of a childless couple.


It's the bit I've bolded that really gets me......you make having a child sound like a disposable comodity, it's like the timing is bad now so give this one up and then have another when the timing is better! If you do that with an open adoption, so the child would know if you had another child, how do you think that child would feel? You kept your first two children and kept a later child, but gave this one away? I'm honestly not trying to be harsh or nasty or anything, just looking at it from another angle :flower:


----------



## momofmister

Don't want to be harsh, but you said you Love your Husband and your family too! 
Did you even stop to think that the baby inside you is also Your Family. Just as much as your first two children are. Sounds to me like you LOVE your children, and you love what being married to your husband affords to you. Take it from someone who's mother had to start from scratch after she divorced my father. Kids don't care where they live. As long as you are with them they will be fine. I can remember my mom not having enough $$ for a toy box, so what did she do. She found a really big cardboard box and glued Mickey Mouse wall paper to it and called it our toy box. After 15yrs of hard work and sweat blood and tears my mother now lives in a 5 bedroom house and is retired this year. Took a long time but we made it and so will you.


----------



## BrandiCanucks

QuintinsMommy said:


> where do you live?


Brantford, Ontario

I suppose you're all right. Maybe I'm more afraid of losing what I do have rather than actually losing my husband. He doesn't provide me with my emotional needs, just the physical needs, and that's no way to live. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to tell me he loves me, or give me a kiss or a hug or spend any one-on-one time with me? No.

I think I would much rather start from scratch, raise my babies, love them and teach them how not to treat their spouse when the time comes, and BE FREAKING HAPPY..and who knows, maybe someone else will come along who does treat me well, who doesn't just provide the food and shelter, but the love too.


----------



## QuintinsMommy

ah, I'm from Niagara falls, good luck tho hun, 
It's always darkest before the dawn :)


----------



## angelmummy

*I want to work on our marriage. I know he still loves me (he's told me) and that he wants to work on it too. The only thing stopping us from working on it is that he believes I am the issue and need to change. He doesn't believe he has to work on anything*

this bit worries me, where you say he thinks you are the issue and you need to change. it sounds like he is not taking his part in this and accepting that it takes 2 to make changes and make a relationship work. why should you change hun and not him.
if he loves you and really wants it to work then he should accept that maybe he needs to change too.

i hope i dont sound harsh but i just feel you might be better focusing on you, your bump and the children you have and finding someone who will love you all for who you are and the children you have regardless.!!!

on the subject of your baby you are expecting. i think if you give your baby up for him, that there is a danger that ultimately you will always deep down hold this against him and it will always be an issue and in arguments you could end up always using the baby you gave up against him and in arguments.

hope you reach a decision you are happy with xx


----------



## Steph63

Have you made a decision? :hugs:


----------



## BrandiCanucks

Yup! I'm moving out on October 1 and I'm going to be a happy and proud single mother of three. I need to stop trying to please someone who really deep down doesn't want to be with me, and start supporting myself and my children.


----------



## billy2mm

BrandiCanucks said:


> Yup! I'm moving out on October 1 and I'm going to be a happy and proud single mother of three. I need to stop trying to please someone who really deep down doesn't want to be with me, and start supporting myself and my children.

well done hun!!!:happydance:

not gonna lie, it will be hard but its so worth it! :flower::kiss::cloud9:


----------



## lushious09

end of the day you made the decision to create this baby... i believe you should stick to that regardless of your husband... if he truely loves you he will stand by you ... good luck


----------



## Fliss

BrandiCanucks said:


> Yup! I'm moving out on October 1 and I'm going to be a happy and proud single mother of three. I need to stop trying to please someone who really deep down doesn't want to be with me, and start supporting myself and my children.

Oh well done :hugs: a very strong decision to make, I'm so pleased for you :kiss:


----------



## babybumpage

Before you move out, you need to consult a divorce attorney. If you have three children, it's him that should be moving out. You need to talk to a lawyer immediately to see what your rights are. If you know you are leaving, you need professional council to guide you through your decision, because you may be entitled to a LOT more than you think you are.


----------



## babybumpage

and to those who ask how you can give a child away, those of us who may never realize the dream of having a child of our own biological child would proudly thank anyone who could do something so amazingly significant as to place their child in our loving hands to safely and happily raise to the best of our abilities. I'm sure you have your reasons for saying "how could you" and questioning her motives, but she was bold enough to admit she was considering many different options. I applaud anyone who can be so truthful and admit openly how she feels.


----------



## 18singlemom2b

IN RESPONSE TO THIS;

could I live with my decision of giving up a baby I so desperately love and want, regardless of whether my marriage works or not, or is it truly the right decision to give my child up for adoption?

It's all so confusing. I have been looking at prospective families, but haven't contacted any of them yet. If I decide to give my child up, it's not because I suddenly don't want the baby or because I don't love him or her, but because my marriage and family means a lot to me too. I'd also be making a very happy family out of a childless couple. 

-


you say yourself you want this child and love this child already. this should be about you. you and your husband had issues and you took it upon yourself to bring another child into this world. if his love was really that strong, i think he would be able to look past the fact that this child isn't truly his. and what if you give this child up and things don't work out? or he continues to let you down? then how will you feel? will you regret giving your child up? it sounds to me like you will. just a little something to think about. good luck.


----------



## 18singlemom2b

i like in hamilton, ontario

my whole family lives in brantford though, we're only 30 minutes away

our area isn't really that bad, and i dont think anything can stop you from keeping your child if it's what you truly want. i fell pregnant when most of the people in my life were participating in drugs and other negative things, i still see drugs every single day. just since falling pregnant i've made a conscious decision to avoid these people as much as i can, because nothings more important to me then bringing this child up right. i cant protect it from everything in the world, but ill try my best and that's all either of us can do. unfortunatly since my ex left me, i'm forced to go at this alone and yes i will have to go on assistance for a bit and yes there are times i will have to struggle. but the chance at motherhood and to raise another human being is so worth it to me.

QUOTE=BrandiCanucks;6716934]


QuintinsMommy said:


> where do you live?


Brantford, Ontario

I suppose you're all right. Maybe I'm more afraid of losing what I do have rather than actually losing my husband. He doesn't provide me with my emotional needs, just the physical needs, and that's no way to live. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't want to tell me he loves me, or give me a kiss or a hug or spend any one-on-one time with me? No.

I think I would much rather start from scratch, raise my babies, love them and teach them how not to treat their spouse when the time comes, and BE FREAKING HAPPY..and who knows, maybe someone else will come along who does treat me well, who doesn't just provide the food and shelter, but the love too.[/QUOTE]


----------



## 18singlemom2b

you have tons of ppl here who are there for you!


----------



## BeckyBoo

Well hun, I'm a bit late on the discussion. But I think the thought of your baby growing up with someone would eat you up more over the years, than leaving your husband now.

I wish you and your three kids all the best!


----------



## PTwannabe

This is such a hard decision. Sorry you're put in this type of situation. I am not going to give any advice as it is not my place to do so. You need to be strong for yourself and do what YOU feel is best. I just want to show you some support. :)


----------



## PTwannabe

sorry I did not read up to your last message. Way to go on your decision. Stick true to yourself. :) I hope all works out with you. Please keep us updated on the move, etc.


----------



## hazzabeanie

im a bit late on this but i think your making the right decision being a single mum of 3, if you nearly got diforced then obviously things wernt right between you and you have a little baby inside you, being a mum already you should no that giving birth and bringing up something so special is the most wonderful thing. if you gave this baby away you would not only feel guilty but if you gave your marrige a second try and it didnt work how would you feel then? yes you would be giving someone who yearns for a child a happy ending but not for the right reasons. good luck do this for your kiddies xx


----------



## KrazedChaoZ

Your husband.. may not (and is well in the process) always be your husband. But your baby, will always be your child. So base your decision off your baby, not the hubby.


----------



## Katumz

I agree with everyone else do it for the child. If you need someone to talk to about adoption I just gave my baby girl to a wonderful family and so I know how it all works and my feelings towards it......however you situation is much different than mine which was unplanned and I'm 18.....


----------



## faye38

2ndtimer said:


> i dont understand after reading all you post and your story.
> 
> you and your husband betrayed each other, by him having a vasectomy and then you using a sperm doner? i can clearly see that you both see each betrayal very significantly, and dont think you as a couple can completly put this behind you. Because of this how do you think that by giving up the one thing that you wanted so much and that was a huge part of your problems(a baby) is going to make things work between you. how will you be able to look at you husband without remorse if you give away your child.
> 
> how can your husband have such a high sperm count after a vasectomy?
> 
> i relaly dont want to sound harsh and am in no way judging you but i think you would be better off leaving your marriage and home, (not all dependant and income support houses are in these drug and run down locations) and concentrate on the live growing inside you and the 2 little children you already have. this situation you are currntly living in can not be the best for them and certainally for you also. good luck in whatever you do and remeber yur 2 LO and bumo come before anything else.

 i toatally agree with you 2ndtimer the thing is if he loves you he wouls stick by you my dh would no matter what and theres a little baby involved who will be your other childrens brother or sister i hope u go with your heart good luck xx


----------



## CourtneyD

Have you considered a very open adoption. You have plenty of time to plan and navigate this journey. I wish you all the best in finding a family that can give your child the live you want him/her to have. 

May prayers and best wishes during this journey. I've been divorce and that process is awful. I'm sorry to hear you've got so much on your plate!
Courtney:hugs:


----------



## DaisyvonStarr

*I want to work on our marriage. I know he still loves me (he's told me) and that he wants to work on it too. The only thing stopping us from working on it is that he believes I am the issue and need to change. He doesn't believe he has to work on anything.*

I think this just answers all your issues.

Your husband does not sound like a very supportive person, why would you give up your own child just to try at a marriage that seems from how you have described very one sided on your part.

You are worth more than being treated in the way you have described.

Your children (including the on growing inside you) need you to be happy so they too can be happy and from an outsider looking I think you should take them and start afresh with your new bundle of joy :)

This is just my personal opinion and no offense is meant by it but I hope you read all the comments unbiased people have posted here for you and make the right descision :)

Yes money is important etc but love and happiness outweigh money by miles :)

x


----------



## Justagirlxx

If you gave away your child and your husband left you anyway, how would you feel? It sounds to me like you love your baby. Honestly if it were between my husband and my baby, I'd pick my baby 10,000 times over without even batting an eyelid. If he is the one that wants you to give your child up for adoption and that's why you are doing this, that is the wrong decision sweetheart. You love that child. It doesn't sound like YOU want to give it up. So don't. Keep it. Do what in your heart you KNOW is right. x

ETA The fact that he would even consider asking you to give up this child that you so desperately wanted should show you that he is not worth it. That's not love. If he loved you he would never ask that of you. x


----------



## kezhulme

Good luck hun, you're gona make a wonderful single mom x


----------



## xMissxZoiex

:hugs: Awh hunni, i feel for you! I remember you from right at the start of the pregnancy!

Im afraid im not much good for advise but there is a chance that the baby might be your husbands. Would he want to give his own baby up for adoption?.

and what if you do give the baby up for adoption and then you and your husband split up for good anyway!.

I know it must be scary, i couldnt even imagin how scared you must be being on your own especially with a LO on the way but you will get through it on your own!

I hope you make the final decision for you and no one else! Could you go though your life with the baby you are carrying calling someone else mummy?

Hope get things sorted soon

xxxxxx


----------



## xMissxZoiex

BrandiCanucks said:


> Yup! I'm moving out on October 1 and I'm going to be a happy and proud single mother of three. I need to stop trying to please someone who really deep down doesn't want to be with me, and start supporting myself and my children.

I just saw this update

That is such great news hun! I really believe you have made the right choice! All the best


----------



## SuperKat

BrandiCanucks said:


> Yup! I'm moving out on October 1 and I'm going to be a happy and proud single mother of three. I need to stop trying to please someone who really deep down doesn't want to be with me, and start supporting myself and my children.

Stumbled across this, I hope you are doing well. I am glad you came to this decision. Chosing your hubby over your baby would likely be something you deeply regretted, especially when you are newly divorced down the road, and are thinking back on the baby you gave up in an attempt to save a marriage that was already over =( Hang in there! It may be hard at first, but you can do it!!!:hugs:


----------



## Vickie

closed at OPs request


----------

