# Still working while my daughter is in the NICU...



## NICUDaddy

So my wife and I have had our daughter in the NICU for the past month. She was a 25 weeker and is doing great now.

Anyways, I took the first week off from work due to this surprise delivery and spent it with my wife at the hospital. My wife is taking 6 weeks off and going back to work on Feb 11th. 

She was spending 6-7 hours in the NICU every day for 3 care times. She's now spending 9-10 hours there for 4 care times to have more kangaroo care time. I go up on the days where I get off work at 5pm so I can be there for her 6pm care time which is 3-4 nights a week. 

I'm not the kind of person where I can spend as much time as my wife in the NICU. I just can't do it. It's hard enough to see my daughter helpless in there day after day when I can't do anything about it. I'm kind of impatient so sitting there for long periods of time is impossible for me. I'm still working full time so I feel like when I have a day off I want to spend it at home to relax, take a nap and/or get a few things done around the house.

I feel like my wife doesn't understand that. She expects me, if I'm staying home on my day off to work, work, work. Don't get me wrong I get some things done but I need to relax too right? I'm still working 40+ hours every week until our daughter comes home. 

Should I be allowed time on my own to decompress and relax or am I off base here?


----------



## JJKCB

NICUDaddy said:


> I'm kind of impatient so sitting there for long periods of time is impossible for me. I'm still working full time so I feel like when I have a day off I want to spend it at home to relax, take a nap and/or get a few things done around the house.

It maybe a maternal thing (I had panic attacks leaving my son just to go to the toilet) but this confuses me completely, I honestly cant get my head around why you would/could want to be anywhere other than with your daughter when shes in hospital 

I can understand feeling helpless or scared but would never dream of leaving the hospital where my child is just because i'm 'bored/impatient and want to relax' that's such a selfish and un-parenteral way to think :wacko:

do you think your wife is relaxing and/or having fun in the NICU? 
everyone would rather not be there but you go for your child which should be the most important thing in your world


----------



## Cakeybabes

I'm sorry but I struggle to understand your point of view here. 

I had a 28 week baby in NICU and she was in there for 3 months. My husband went in to say good morning to her every day on his way into work (he then had an hour commute on top) and then went in every day on his way home. At the weekend we were both in there all day doing her cares, talking to her, discussing her care plan with the consultants/nurses. We both didn't want to be anywhere else.

I'm sure your wife would like some "me time" too but as a parent my belief is that your child should come first especially at a time when they need you the most (and FYI when they come home relaxing/me time is non existent!). Man up and get into the NICU to support your wife and baby.

Just my feeling on the subject, sorry if it sounds harsh.


----------



## sunnylove

Wow. First off, I completely disagree with the previous posters and think they were being way too harsh, in my opinion. NICU is HARD and no parent should ever be made to feel guilty for how much time they do, or don't spend there! Good grief, ladies.

OP, my husband was the same way. He hated being at the hospital. BUT that didn't mean that he hated seeing his son! Obviously we wanted to be with our son 24/7 but it was exceptionally draining for him and I totally understood that. He also worked 40+ hours a week and had to find time for himself, too. 

We all deal with NICU differently and I am kind of appalled these other ladies are guilting you about this. NICU is a horrifying experience and it's obvious you are a great dad and want to spend time with your daughter, and not some dead beat who could care less!! I have heard many cases where a NICU mom went back to work full-term while their child was in the NICU so that she could get time off work once the baby came home. Does that make them bad mothers for not being at the NICU 24/7? No!! I was not at the NICU 24 hours a day because honestly, like you, I could not sit and stare at my son for hours on end, and that didn't make me a bad mom. There was a small allotted time when we could hold him, and the other hours of the day we could just look at him. Mine was a 26 weeker and there is not much interacting we could do with them in the early days!

I wish your wife could understand where you're coming from a bit more and unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice except letting her know that OF COURSE you want to be with your daughter all the time, but it's difficult, especially since you work full-time. The key is to let her know that you absolutely want to be with her 24/7. Good luck!!


----------



## kit10grl

I agree with PP. Everyone deals with NICU in their own way and none of us should be making others feel guilty for how they cope. I have a strong fear of hospitals. I hate noise and always felt under intense scrutiny in the hospitla from nurses. All of. Which wou!d trigger my anxiety. Sometimes I just had to leave for my own. Sanity. Its very hard. For yyour wife. To understand. As she copes differently just keep reminding her u Want to be with baby but are finding the hospital a hard environment but that u appreciate its different for her and know its hard for her too.


----------



## Simonecah

Don't worry too much about everyone's different opinions....everyone will have one based on their own comfort level and different lives. I would say don't be too judgmental of her and help her try to understand your perspective. It is possible to have different ways to deal with it. Neither is "right", but it might be right for you. Do you feel bonded with your LO? My DH would Always read to our LO and that helped him. Also we would play cards and talk during our time watching our DS. It was a long 7 weeks for us and honestly I didn't want anyone's feedback about how we should do it, I wanted to do what was right for us. I chose to split my FMLA leave so I could have more time with him when he came home as our NICU was about an hour and half a way, it worked great and I was glad to have the time when he came home.


----------



## Foogirl

Firstly, congratulations on your LO. How is she doing?

It's tough, of course it is, it's tough for everyone involved. I do agree though, don't feel guilty for how you are reacting to this, you are doubtless torn in many different directions.

But here is the thing, if you are going to get through this as a couple, you are going to have to work as a team. Pull together and not apart, and this will count for when she is home too.

There seem to be a couple of different issues here. You don't want to be at the NNICU for hours on end and you should never feel guilty about that, no matter what anyone says. I was exactly the same and it really is a smack in the face to hear people say "Why would you want to be anywhere else than with your daughter in hospital" For me it was feeling so helpless, it was the noise, I was on edge with every alarm, it was the heat, it was the monotony. If I spent more than a couple of hours there I went stir crazy and the reality was she didn't need me there the whole time. I did her cares, I gave her cuddles. But the truth is, I felt she wasn't really mine. It has taken a long time for me to admit that to myself, let alone to anyone else and I'm damned if anyone will make me guilty for that.

But you are also working hard to pay the bills and that has to be done. Of course you need time to wind down. And so does your wife. So why not offer her the chance to wind down together. Go out for a meal, for a walk, do any of the things you used to do together. she might need some convincing, but in truth, she needs some time away too.

When you say she has you work, work, work, what is it she needs done? Is there any way you can ask friends or family to help out with the home stuff? Can you take some time off work, even just a few days to recharge?

The most important thing you need to do is communicate with her. Talk and listen. Let her know you are there for her and will do what you can, but also let her know you need to work through this in your way too.

Too often dads are forgotten in all this and are expected to be strong and just get through it. But it is really important that you are taken care of too.

Just a thought, remember when LO gets home she will need support too. Great that you work hard, but it's really easy to forget that having a baby all day is hard work too. There will be times she needs to wind down and relax after her day and you'll need to save your "me time" til later!

Let us know how you are getting on and please don't be put off by some of these responses.


----------



## AP

I think Foogirl is spot on. And I'm sorry if you've been made to feel guilty by previous posts. I don't think that's fair or right at all. :nope:

I do think you need to remember though that your wife isnt getting any relaxing time at all, in fact she may find herself very lonely and anxious. Had your baby been term would you be getting these relaxing days to yourself? If it's a no, you need to think about how your wife may be seeing this situation.

Hospitals are crap, I'd go stir crazy too. I'd find myself on a bus home only to leave the house half an hour later. I couldnt win. Hated being there, hated not being there. 

I think you need a compromise, and Foo's idea is great - get some time together, rather than you taking all these days to yourself. You guys need to stick together now. Talk to each other. Share your days experience. She'll need to hear some normal day to day stuff, you need to hear what shes going through, and you both need to have a relationship.
I know I hold some resentments over the NICU journey and what I should have done differently, and your wife might look back on this with some resentment (maybe she's not like that, but I can only speak from experience) so do try and find a happy medium for the both of you. x


----------



## Cryssie

I have a 29 weeker. But she was born because I had h1n1 and pneumonia. I missed the first month and a half of her life because I was in a coma. My husband devoted his time (had no choice but to take off work) splitting his waking hours between her and me. Our two year old went back and forth between our parents. When I woke up abd finally got to go see her, I only could go once a day. Then when I got released from rehab, we went twice a day because yes, after all that, we needed time to recollect and reconnect together. Plus we made a trip to see our son at least once a week.

Now we're all home, and hubby will be going back to work next week. So he'll want time to unwind then too, and he will have it. But he knows he needs to help out too. 

Go as often and as long as you can to see your daughter. It'll be joint effort for sure when you take her home tho.


----------



## kirstybumx3

My oh didn't spend an awful lot of time at NICU. He was putting in 12 hour days at work every day of the week to occupy his mind. When he did come to the hospital he didn't stay longer than 1-2 hours. I was ok with this. He found it very difficult and although I felt I was doing everything at the time, I did not feel any different towards oh because everyone deals with things differently. When LO was discharged my oh was a changed man completely! He wants to spend every second of his time with LO. He admits he was frightened if the outcome and that the hospital made him feel uneasy. He preferred to keep busy at work to move his mind away from worry and I respect that.


----------



## Betheney

My OH didn't spend a lot of time at the hospital but because I needed to be there as often as possible he had to step up at home. When Remi was in hospital our daughter Eva was 2 and he would pick her up from daycare feed her dinner and look after her all evening and all weekend completely on his own as well as do all the housework because I was in hospital. Oh and he worked fulltime the whole time too. 

Unfortunately when Remi was in hospital the time isn't like any other time. These weeks and months are going to be tough and yes you're going to have no downtime but you just have to put in the extra work for now. 

If my husband said he felt overworked and made me stay home from hospital one day because he just wanted some downtime I would of completely lost my shit.

However at home he needed to care for our daughter. If it was over housework I would of agreed to just let it go.

My point is that you just have to work extra hard these few months and then it'll all be over.

Your wife also needs your support as much as possible. Every time my husband groaned or rolled his eyes because I wanted to visit Remi again that day was really difficult for me :-( it meant he just didn't want to be a single parent AGAIN for our toddler and it made me feel so guilty and miserable that I was neglecting him and my daughter and then the whole hospital visit was crap and then I'd get really stressed the next evening when I want to go back again. It just mounted all the pressures of the nursery even more.


----------



## lozzy21

I can understand not wanting to be at the hospital all the time but your a parent now, your down time as you call it moves to the bottom of the list. If your baby had been born at term your day off would not be spent relaxing so it shouldent be much different now. You say your wife is at the hospital most days, IMO if your not wanting to be at the hospital then you should make it easier for your wife to be, do the house work, do the shopping, prepare tea. Being with a poorly baby is much more stressful than working.


----------



## Foogirl

I think that's incredibly harsh. My husband found being at work whilst Abby was in hospital was unbearably stressful. In many ways he had a much harder time than I did. He wanted to be able to see her when he felt like it, to talk to the doctors, to build up a routine and help with her cares. He felt even more useless as a father than I did as a mother. There is none of this easier on one or other parent, there are just different stresses.


----------



## JJKCB

Foogirl said:


> I think that's incredibly harsh. My husband found being at work whilst Abby was in hospital was unbearably stressful. In many ways he had a much harder time than I did. He wanted to be able to see her when he felt like it, to talk to the doctors, to build up a routine and help with her cares. He felt even more useless as a father than I did as a mother. There is none of this easier on one or other parent, there are just different stresses.

but OP said he didn't want to be at the hospital, he would rather have his own time and relax having naps etc...


----------



## Foogirl

JJKCB said:


> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> I think that's incredibly harsh. My husband found being at work whilst Abby was in hospital was unbearably stressful. In many ways he had a much harder time than I did. He wanted to be able to see her when he felt like it, to talk to the doctors, to build up a routine and help with her cares. He felt even more useless as a father than I did as a mother. There is none of this easier on one or other parent, there are just different stresses.
> 
> but OP said he didn't want to be at the hospital, he would rather have his own time and relax having naps etc...Click to expand...

No he didn't. He gave some very understandable reasons why he is avoiding the hospital. That doesn't mean he goes off to work and forgets all about having a baby in NNICU. I didn't want to be at the hospital in the beginning either. That doesn't mean I'd have been happy to go off to work every day.

I'm just stunned he's being painted as some kind of fekkless, useless partner and father, at a time when he's going through something we have all been through. Everybody deals with these things in different ways, everyone copes in different ways. The fact he has gone as far as seeking out not only this forum, but this area of the forum to look for some advice does point to him actually thinking about what is going on and needs some help. How many dads do that?

Perhaps his post is clumsily worded, perhaps he didn't quite put across the situation the way he meant to, perhaps he does actually think he deserves to have time off and doesn't realise that might not be in the best interests of his family. But he is a parent going through an horrendous situation so please, let's treat him with the same respect, care and sensitivity we do as the mums who come along and look for help and support.


----------



## JJKCB

NICUDaddy said:


> I'm kind of impatient so sitting there for long periods of time is impossible for me. I'm still working full time so *I feel like when I have a day off I want to spend it at home to relax, take a nap *and/or get a few things done around the house.
> 
> I feel like my wife doesn't understand that. She expects me, if I'm staying home on my day off to work, work, work. Don't get me wrong I get some things done but I need to relax too right?
> 
> 
> erm... maybe because that is exactly what he said ^ I dont need to put words in his mouth its a direct quote
> 
> I dont understand that attitude and never will from a parent, its your child they ALWAYS come firstClick to expand...


----------



## kit10grl

He doesn't say he doesn't want to be at the hospital. He says he finds it hard to the point of impossible to be there. That he wants to be at home. Personally the whole7 months dd spent in hospital I can't say I ever wanted to be at the hospital. I took days away from the hospital environment to relax because the hospital psychologist told me she was concerned about the effect it was having on me. I took naps. Doesn't mean I didn't want to be with my baby. But the hospital was too hard for me all day every day. You don't have to understand how some one else copes to be respectful of it.


----------



## Foogirl

JJKCB said:


> erm... maybe because that is exactly what he said ^ I dont need to put words in his mouth its a direct quote
> 
> I dont understand that attitude and never will from a parent, its your child they ALWAYS come first

And if that child is being very ably looked after by hospital staff they are coming first. When all you can do is stand outside a plastic box because your child is to ill to be picked up or even touched for its early days or weeks, some people find that too hard to bear to watch. I couldn't stand and watch whilst she was being incubated or worked on, does that make me a bad person? Or a bad parent? I couldn't stand to be in that environment hours and days and weeks on end. I was at home and guess what, I was napping, I was relaxing, I was having some time off. Because to my mind, what she needed was me to be strong and rested for those times when she did need me, for when I could cuddle her and feed her, for when I could pick her up without fear of losing her. If that was putting myself first then I'm guilty as charged. That was how I was able to deal with it, without damaging my physical and emotional health.

It is not our place to judge ANY parent in this part of the forum. Just because people deal with it differently, doesn't mean they are wrong.


----------



## Jes.shortcake

Having a baby in the NICU is extremely hard on both parents and very emotionally draining. There really is no down time. even when your at home relaxing..your still constantly worrying. The thing that helped me the most was my husband. He worked 2 full time jobs and was taking a couple classes but still made sure he saw Silas everyday. Even on days he had night classes..he'd stop by the NICU on the way home at 11-11:30pm. We had no down time. He was strong for me and was my rock through it all. Being a team and being there for each other will make this whole situation more bearable. She probably just needs to feel your there for her and your baby more. Like a pp said..make things easier for her at home so she can spend her time at the hospital. You'd be amazed what coming home to a clean house does to a woman. Lol.


----------



## kirstybumx3

Quite simply, how dare people judge others for the way they deal with hard times. Disgusting. 
Is it just me that thinks he obviously cares a lot by writing the post in the first place? His choice of words may be a little awkward but come on guys, we aren't a forum to jump on people and put them down... Or at least we never used to be. And especially not in preemie section, everyone on here deserves that extra bit of sensitivity!


----------



## Foogirl

Totally agree. How often do dads come looking for support? And one comes in and gets the same treatment we see on other parts of the board. That was never our way in here and it shouldn't be now. There are much gentler ways of suggesting supportiveness of your OH.

My OH came in here in the early days when his head was all over the place. Thank goodness he was treated with sensitivity.


----------



## kit10grl

My husband never came here but I am worried the first few posts scared this poor man away from ever,posting again asthey were so negative and he hasn't responded to the rest of the thread. That would be awful to have pushed someone out when they came here looking for help. Other nicu parents should know better


----------



## sunnylove

JJKCB said:


> erm... maybe because that is exactly what he said ^ I dont need to put words in his mouth its a direct quote
> 
> I dont understand that attitude and never will from a parent, its your child they ALWAYS come first

I'm sorry you don't understand that kind of attitude. Like a previous poster mentioned, I never wanted to be at the hospital either when I was there. I wanted to be with my son, yes. But there wasn't much I could do. And I'm not trying to judge but it doesn't sound to me like you had a long term NICU stay and so probably don't understand how draining it is long-term.


----------



## Foogirl

Yes, that's a very good point there Sunnylove. Each stay in NNICU is different, and experienced in a different way. I wouldn't say a long stay is harder than a short one, or that a 24 weeker is more challenging than a full termer, NNICU can be traumatic no matter how much time you spend in there. But each parent, each family, each baby has a totally different type of journey and how we all cope with it is a very personal thing. And it's that reason we don't judge folk on how they react to it. It's one thing to say "I couldn't leave my baby". But quite another to say "You shouldn't want to leave yours"


----------



## sunnylove

Foogirl, exactly. I know that short-term NICU stays can be just as traumatic. But if my son was in the NICU for only 1-2 weeks, I would probably be there with him 12 hours a day knowing it will be over soon. But when you know you're going to be in NICU for at LEAST 3 months, those ideas go out the window, and that's what I think some sort-term NICU parents don't understand. It doesn't make us bad parents.


----------



## JJKCB

and you know sweet FA about me or my experiences, you read one quick thing on my signature and assume you know my whole life... you also dont seem to have any grasp on what its like to leave a child at the hospital and have the pass on before you get back (its something you never come back from) and for the record the 'i dont like hospitals' is the stupid excuse ever come on who does like them :confused: but do whatever you like its you that is risking it not me

Im leaving this now because im going to end up saying something that cant be taken back if you keep pushing with self involved crap and assuming shit about my life that you know sweet fuck all about because I can pretty much guarantee you I have spent longer in hospitals than anyone of yous (and still am btw) and have far more reasons than the average person to hate them but would never put that before my child ffs


----------



## AP

May I please remind all of the forum rules



> Rudeness, flaming or trolling is not tolerated on, or about, BabyandBump or its members. Any member who is intentionally disruptive may have their account restricted or banned without warning.


----------

