# Loss at 22 and a half weeks :-(



## blav

Although each day is easier since our loss 2 and a half weeks ago, it's still pretty fresh. I wanted to write our story down sooner than later because I was afraid I might forget something. This is my first blog entry of many to come. I apologize for the length! 




Mateo's Story
It's been almost two and half weeks since we lost our sweet baby boy. I don't know if I'm ready to tell the whole story, but here's a start...

We found out we were going to be parents on June 20, a day after Father's Day. There were a lot of mixed emotions at first. Jose read the test and his response of "Um, yeah..." explained how both of us were feeling! We hugged, I cried, he told me he was scared. We went to bed. 

By the next day though, I think we were both filled with excitement. Although we hadn't been together long, we cared so much for each other, laughed constantly, and enjoyed every moment spent together. We waited anxiously for my first appointment in July. We talked about the baby all the time, it seemed like our only topic of conversation for a while. We broke the news to our families after my first appointment and were relieved that they seemed as excited as we were! 

It felt like we were doing everything right. I took my vitamins, went to every doctor's appointment, and stopped eating anything that might harm the baby. We kept track of how the baby was developing every week, every week more amazed at what was happening. Jose started talking to my belly and always said the sweetest things to the baby. I got to hear the heartbeat at my appointments and it was so strong and steady. I remember hearing it at one appointment, so amazed just thinking how perfect it sounded. 

Jose catered to all my cravings. Watermelon at first, then a late night banana popsicle run, milk duds - whatever I wanted. He offered back rubs, which for whatever reason, I was disgusted by. I saved a text message he sent me that said, "I think to myself that there is going to be a new person in this world with a little of you and little of me inside them. That's amazing to me when I think about it. I never thought I'd have kids. It makes me want to cry. I love that baby so much already and it's not even here". I remember reading it over and over. He and I went "window shopping" for baby things and looked forward to finding out if our baby was a boy or girl. 

In September, I went home to Maine to visit my family. My little sisters couldn't contain their excitement over being aunts. Sophie told me she was sure the baby was a girl, because boys are whiny butts and she didn't think my baby would be a whiny butt. My mom held a baby shower and we were blessed with some beautiful gifts from friends and family. I felt very lucky that day that so many people came together to show their love and support. I was sad to leave and head back to Richmond, but I missed Jose and Cooper!


We waited anxiously for our gender ultrasound on October 20. I had a feeling throughout the pregnancy that it was a boy, even though I think I had been hoping for a girl. It felt like we sat in the waiting room forever! Finally we got called in for the ultrasound, everything seemed to be looking good. Then the technician told us she knew what we were having...a BOY! Jose was obviously so excited. At the end, we learned that everything looked normal, and it was such a relief. We couldn't have been happier that day. We had so much fun buying cute little boy clothes, picking out bedding and trying to decide what color we would paint the nursery. I settled in quickly to the idea of having a little boy. Our sweetheart, Mateo.


My pregnancy had been pretty easy. Although I had had some nausea in the first trimester, the second trimester was going well. A couple days after our gender ultrasound, I started having some back pain. Everyone says it's normal, pregnancy comes with back pain, I didn't think much of it. I remember telling Jose that the pain was making me rather cranky, though! The night of October 27th, a Thursday, I woke up in the middle of the night with pretty severe cramps. I went to the bathroom and everything seemed fine for a little while after. Throughout the night I kept getting cramps and back pain and was generally uncomfortable but again, wrote it off. When I woke up the next day, it was more of the same. I also started realizing that I hadn't felt Mateo move very much. Finally, on my way to work, I called my doctor's office. I got a call back a couple hours later and the nurse reassured me that it was probably round ligament pain. She said that at 22 weeks pregnant there is a lot of stretching going on and that everything I was feeling was normal. She also said that at 22 weeks, most people don't feel much movement and that if he was in a different position than usual, I might not feel much. It was something of a relief to hear, but I really just had this sinking feeling that something was wrong. I brushed it aside. During my shift at work, I had some pretty bad cramps and almost a burning back pain. By midnight, when my shift was over, I called the on-call doctor to explain what was happening and to see if I should be concerned. She said that although it was probably nothing serious, she thought I should go to the ER. I told Jose and we decided that we would meet at the hospital.


It had been a long time since I had been to an emergency room. Never in my adult life, and never alone. I started getting checking in before Jose got there. I remember when I told my symptoms to the man at the desk he seemed quite concerned. I read what he wrote under the presenting concerns section "possible pre-term labor" and thought, that's ridiculous! We got checked in and I was wheeled up to the second floor. We sat together in a triage room making each other laugh.


A nurse came in to get vital signs and find Mateo's heartbeat. It took her a while, and I was getting anxious but she found it, strong and perfect as always. I could see relief in Jose's face, but, at this point, I just knew something was wrong. The doctor came in soon after that and things started happening really fast. She only looked at my cervix for a moment, but it was enough to know the news was not good. Jose told me it was after that, that he knew something was terribly wrong. Although, most of the next few hours is something of a blur, I remember her telling us that the bag of water was already coming out my cervix and into my vagina and that we would need to see a high risk doctor right away. At the time, I knew what she meant, but I didnt know what it meant for us or for the baby.

From there, we were taken to a room and told that we would be meeting with the high risk doctor and with someone from the NICU. Jose held my hand and told me he loved me. He asked if I wanted him to call my mom and I told him I did. She told me later that when she got his call, she thought I must have been in an accident or something, that she never would have guessed it was about the baby. I couldnt even talk to her for hours, I knew that I wouldn't have been able to get a word out through the tears. We were taken upstairs to meet with the high risk doctor who performed an ultrasound, confirming what the doctor suspected, an incompetent cervix and pre-term labor. She explained to us what was going on, drew a picture, and gave us our options. She told us that when this is found early on, a cerclage can be placed in the cervix and that 90% of women go on to have a successful pregnancy. The best of the options was having her attempt to put the bag of water back in the uterus and suturing the cervix, however she thought the chance this would go well was about 5% given how far I was dialted. Even if it worked, we needed weeks and weeks, not hours or days, and it seemed that we would be back in this situation sooner than we would be able to handle, regardless of our decision.

Together, we made the choice to let nature take its course. Even if we got a little more time, the chances that he would make it were small and the chances he would have a major disability were almost certain. Jose said that we couldnt put him through that, just because we wanted him so badly. And he was right. Just because we loved and wanted him so much, we still had to do what was best for him and put our own needs aside. I remember crying with every contraction, knowing that it meant we were one contraction closer to the end. Just wishing they would stop, that someone was wrong. I remember keeping my eyes closed just hoping that if I couldn't see what was going on, it wasnt happening. Wishing that I would fall asleep and wake up and that everything would be just a terrible nightmare. But none of that happened. 

For some reason, time seemed to be going by so fast, but slow at the same time. Jose didn't leave my side, holding my hand, kissing my forehead, reassuring me that I hadn't done anything to cause what was happening. It was difficult to know that we were there, but not for the happy time it should have been. That we were there welcoming our precious, innocent, perfect son but knowing that he wouldnt be with us for long. That we would have to say goodbye almost as soon as we said hello. They had told us that his skin would be reddish and would look wet. That there was a chance he could be stillborn. That he might make sounds, but that he might not. My biggest concern was that he would struggle or that he would be in pain, but we were reassured that he would not.

We had talked about so many things. What kind of parents we wanted to be, what we wanted to teach our baby. How we wanted to raise him, what we dreamed he would be when he grew up. Whether or not we wanted him circumcised, if we were going to breastfeed. We never talked about what we would do if something like this happened. It was a whirwind of facts, statistics, and decision after decision that we had to make. That we had minutes to make. The pain of the contractions was so intense, mostly in my back. It ached, it burned. I dont know whether I was crying from the physical pain or the pain of knowing we were that much closer to Mateo being born and this pregnancy being over.

My doctor came to see us that evening to talk about what was happening and the decisions we had made and would have to make. After talking to her, I decided to get an epidural, which finally gave me some relief form the physical pain that I had been in for over 24 hours. Several hours later, they told me I need a urinary catheter. I didn't want it. I had to choose between a foley catheter or straight catheter. I didnt want either. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to be told that they were wrong. Although in some ways, it was a relief that they had told us we could almost certainly have a full-term pregnancy in the future, I wanted THIS baby, not a different one. Soon after my bladder was emptied I could feel that his birth was close. I remember almost trying to hold him in. I just didnt want it to be over. 

I told Jose to call the nurse, I could tell he was so flustered. I'm sure he was just as scared as I was. She came in, the doctor came in, and one push later our precious angel was born. Jose cut the umbilical cord and they put him on my chest so that I could hold him. I burst into tears knowing that he was here, far too soon. That there was nothing that could be done. That he would die. That we would have to say goodbye. That it was over. I tried to comfort him, he was so quiet. We told him how much we loved him. His Papa kissed him. We looked at his tiny hands and feet. He had my toes, mouth, and chin. He had his Papa's nose. Everything was so perfectly formed. This wasnt his fault, why did he have to go through this? We were his parents, why couldn't we protect him? I didnt want anyone to see him. I just wanted to keep him safe and protected forever. What if someone thought he looked weird? I would be devastated. Jose told me he knew he was with his mommy and I held him for a long time. Jose held him as well. He was born just before 6:30om and passed away at 7:30pm. After a few hours, we finally gave him to the nurse. We said goodbye for the last time.

And it was over...but at the same time, just beginning...


----------



## mhazzab

Oh I am so, so sorry for your loss, I am crying for your little baby boy Mateo and for you and Jose. Your story is similar to mine in a lot of ways, and I really hate that another person has had to suffer the same.

I'm so glad you have found us here, and that you have felt able to share your story. 

Its 21 weeks since the same thing happened to me, and my beautiful twin daughters were born at 23 weeks, they didn't survive either. These weeks have been horrific, its a pain I never felt was possible. But, the others on this forum have helped to get through this, there's nobody in my real life that really truly understands what I have been through, apart from my husband. I have made some wonderful friends one here, who understand me, and I hope that we can do that for you too.

It's still such early days for you, do whatever you need to get you through the days. I'm here for you, whatever you need.

hugs to you xxx


----------



## blav

Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins :-( It's so true that no one really knows what you're going through, unless they have been through it as well. I actually used this forum a lot when we first found out and never thought I'd be posting in this section. As cliche as it sounds, if our story helps one person, then it's worth telling. <3


----------



## DueSeptember

*I am so Sorry for your Loss I Lost my Baby Girl at 24 weeks my water broke early at 23 weeks I know what you are going through..I'm also in VA Hampton Roads area if you ever want to talk I am always on here *


----------



## yazoo

I am so so sorry about the loss of baby Mateo. It has been 13 weeks since my son was born at 22 weeks also.You are so brave for telling his story and I'm glad you made your way here. This has been a wonderful support network for me and as mhazzab said the people on here know what you are going through. This pain is something that no parent in the world should have to feel but please know that we are all here for you if you need us. I feel quite lonely in my RL as no-one apart from my OH understands but here I feel like I get the support and comfort that I need and I hope that you get the same comfort also. 

You are in my thoughts. Fly high little Mateo. :hugs::hugs:


----------



## v2007

Hi :hugs:

I am so sorry for your loss :cry:

My daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks in 2007 :(

Please take it easy and :hug: and :kiss:

V xxxx


----------



## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss of lovely little Mateo, I'm sorry you are joining us on this hideous journey, I hope we can help you through though. Like you say if our stories can even help one person they are worth telling. they are worth telling to remember and acnowledge our angels too. I lost my twins at 20 weeks, after the amniotic membranes breaking of the presenting twin, Ethan 6 days earlier. There was nothing that could be done for us either. I feel your pain, that was so sad to read your story. What a wee warrior he was that he stayed with you for so long.

Much love to you and Jose and floaty kisses to wee Mateo. xxx


----------



## blav

Everyone's kind words mean so much to us. I truly appreciate the support and know that, together, we will all get through this. We will move on, but will NEVER forget our precious babies. Mateo will always be our first baby and will never be replaced. The mourning/grieving process seems so complex and misunderstood. Hugs to everyone <3


----------



## amy_1234

:hugs: your all amazing xxx


----------



## amotherslove

I'm so sorry for your loss of little mateo<3 :(


----------



## kiki04

:cry: I am so sorry :cry: 

We all share in that pain and I promise you if you EVER need us, we are here... this is such a wonderful support group I cant even begin to explain how much these ladies have helped me. 

May you R.I.P sweet Mateo as I know you had a little welcoming party in heaven and are now playing amongst the clouds with all our angel babies :flower:


----------



## daopdesign

OMG I am so sory for your loss, I just shed a tear for your little angel :cry: I am so sorry hun my thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so very sorry for your loss, if my Ava was not a girl we were thinking on the name Mateo :cry::cry::cry: I absolutely love that name. I lost my Ava at 18 and half weeks , I gave birth to her in my home. We buried her on 3/11/2011. My heart is forever broken and now I just call my life and my emptiness my new normal :cry::cry: I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and when at 40 I found out I was pregnant we were in shock but overjoyed :cloud9:
The day I went for Amnio they told me she was gone no heartbeat from that minute my life and my heart changed forever:cry::cry::cry: Then to know it was a little girl I never dreamed I would ever have broke me in so many ways.
My sister in law was also pregnant 8 weeks behind me and after loosing my Ava she lost her baby 7 weeks later at 16 weeks, it was just a devastating year 2011.
Just now almost 9 months later do i feel ready to try again, also I am 41 so I am terrified but more terrified not to try. :cry::cry::cry:
My heart breaks for you, time will make things easier, you never get over this you just get through it somehow. I have my good days and my break down days, I miss Ava so very much , but I am so grateful for being able to hold her and let her know i would have died for her if it meant she could stay.
These women on this site are beyond amazing and so supportive. Nobody understand me in my real life not even my Sister In Law, she choose to get the D&E which is fine but not my choice, so she never saw her baby or held her baby so she doesn't understand why I am still a mess and she is fine and I think it is cause she never met her little one and that is the way she wanted it, I guess we are all different :cry:
We all have been to hell and back and whenever you need one of us we are here, you can message me ANYTIME and I will be there for you, I promise.
Thank you for sharing your precious angel Mateo with us, you are so strong to be able to do that.
All My Love..Andrea:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: :hugs::hugs:


----------



## babylou

So sorry for your loss of Mateo. You story was so sad.... :cry::cry:

We lost Samuel at 15/16 weeks on October 9th

Sorry that you have had to join us here. I find that reading and chatting with others on this forum really helps, i hope it does for you too. 

Much love and hugs xxx :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## Andypanda6570

babylou said:


> So sorry for your loss of Mateo. You story was so sad.... :cry::cry:
> 
> We lost Samuel at 15/16 weeks on October 9th
> 
> Sorry that you have had to join us here. I find that reading and chatting with others on this forum really helps, i hope it does for you too.
> 
> Much love and hugs xxx :hugs::hugs::hugs:

So deeply sorry for your loss of precious Samuel..XOXOOOXOOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## MummyStobe

I am so so sorry for your loss. Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes.

The ladies on this forum are amazing, they have been my lifeline over the past three months and I hope you get as much comfort and support here as I do.

Sending big :hugs: to you and your family at this difficult time.

Fly high little Mateo xx


----------



## jennijunni

I am so, so sorry. I would love to hug you right now. Lots of prayers for you, Jose, and your sweet baby Mateo.


----------



## Hellylou

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is a truly devestating thing to go through, and we can all say from experience it is a very personal difficult journey to travel. 

We are all here to listen whenever you want to talk. Fly high little Mateo :angel:


----------



## NuKe

I am so very sorry for your loss. Mateo sounds beautiful. :hugs:


----------



## fluffyblue

im so sorry for the loss of your little man - hope you and Jose are doing ok xxx


----------



## angel jayvian

Iam so sorry huns ! I read your story and I felt like I was relieving my situation ...i lost my baby boy Jayvian at 21 weeks due to premature rupture of the membranes :(.. I also had, pain but didn't think anything of it ,i tried to sleep it off but the pain started getting worse. Its hurtful knowing that my baby boy heartbeat was strong but there was nothing anyone could of done to keep him in there :( . If you ever need to talk iam here for you huns..


----------



## blav

angel jayvian said:


> Iam so sorry huns ! I read your story and I felt like I was relieving my situation ...i lost my baby boy Jayvian at 21 weeks due to premature rupture of the membranes :(.. I also had, pain but didn't think anything of it ,i tried to sleep it off but the pain started getting worse. Its hurtful knowing that my baby boy heartbeat was strong but there was nothing anyone could of done to keep him in there :( . If you ever need to talk iam here for you huns..


That's exactly how I feel. Hearing that strong heartbeat and knowing there was nothing that could be done was heartbreaking :hugs:


----------



## vesper21

My hear sank when I read your title and thought to myself - 'please, god. Not another one'.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through - I lost my little girl in July after TTC for 5 yrs, at 23wks. I went through the same as you - my bags were bulging out because I had been 'silently' dilating. By the time the dr. checked my cervix I was already 3cm dilated... I stayed in hospital for a week before my precious girl was born. I was told my cervix was incompetent.

The road to recovery is not easy, you will continue to grieve even after you think you're through the other end... I'm relying on time to completely heal my broken heart and I know I'll get there. So will you.

Did your dr's diagnose you with incompetent cervix/PPRoM?

Sending you love and light xx


----------



## blav

vesper21 said:


> My hear sank when I read your title and thought to myself - 'please, god. Not another one'.
> 
> I'm so sorry for what you're going through - I lost my little girl in July after TTC for 5 yrs, at 23wks. I went through the same as you - my bags were bulging out because I had been 'silently' dilating. By the time the dr. checked my cervix I was already 3cm dilated... I stayed in hospital for a week before my precious girl was born. I was told my cervix was incompetent.
> 
> The road to recovery is not easy, you will continue to grieve even after you think you're through the other end... I'm relying on time to completely heal my broken heart and I know I'll get there. So will you.
> 
> Did your dr's diagnose you with incompetent cervix/PPRoM?
> 
> Sending you love and light xx

Yes, the did. The placenta came back with infection, but my labwork at admission didn't show an infection. There is really no way to know if the infection caused the labor or if the incompetent cervix caused me to go into labor and then caused an infection. My doctor said that next time around, between her and the high risk doctor, I'll have appointments every 2 weeks, even in early pregnancy. My cervix will be measured at every appointment and at 12 weeks they will put a cerclage in the cervix. We're hoping to try again in January, if I get a regular period.


----------



## vesper21

All the best with TTC, I'm sure 2012 will bring you lots of luck!

As aside do your research about the stitch they suggest... I was told when I was in hospital that next time around I would have a transvaginal cerclage (TVC) put in. This sounded fine until I started looking into it - it is successful for a lot of women. But it also has a higher-than-I'd-like failure rate... PM me if you want more info. 

Planning my next step helped me overcome a tiny bit of what I'd been through.


----------



## katie21188

I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy Mateo, my story is very similar as well i lost my twin daughters at 22+3 weeks on July 20th. I can't believe how many people have been through this, before it happened to me I thought it was rare but now realise it is a major thing that I really wish could change. its been nearly 4 months since we lost our twin daughters, we weren't given a reason as to why it happened to me they said it could have been due to twin pregnancy or ic. thinking of you and if you ever want to talk just PM me :hugs:


----------



## blav

katie21188 said:


> I am so sorry for your loss of your little boy Mateo, my story is very similar as well i lost my twin daughters at 22+3 weeks on July 20th. I can't believe how many people have been through this, before it happened to me I thought it was rare but now realise it is a major thing that I really wish could change. its been nearly 4 months since we lost our twin daughters, we weren't given a reason as to why it happened to me they said it could have been due to twin pregnancy or ic. thinking of you and if you ever want to talk just PM me :hugs:

I love your picture, Katie. Such precious little angels.


----------



## winterwonder

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss. xx


----------



## rossyrozela

Sorry to hear your pain,i too lost ababy at 20 weeks and 4 days,it happened on the 20/10/2011 ,i had to have atermination though ,it was the most painful experiance i ever endured in my life.
My thoughts are with you gal


----------

