# I need to get it off my chest



## Emerald87

Hi ladies. I didn't think I'd find myself here because since day 1 I'd always thought "I'm going to be happy with whatever, as long as it's healthy" - you know, the usual cliché.

Well here I am. The sonnographer today wrote the gender (70% sure as I'm only 12-13 weeks, but she's VERY good at her job) on a piece of paper and sealed it. We went to the park where we bid farewell to our lost little baby in January and thought it'd be nice to start fresh by reading it there.

I opened the envelope - expecting to see the words I was SOOO sure of. I knew in my heart what I was having, I'd known since week 1.

I was wrong. She's a girl.

I stood there - holding the words, numb and shocked. I was so sure it was a boy. I wanted a boy more than anything. I broke down and sobbed and had some awful thoughts that I'm so ashamed of I'm not even going to bother repeating them to myself. My husband was so supportive and held me close.

The main reason for wanting a boy is that I have hereditary ovarian failure. This child I am carrying is a pure miracle and I remember the pain I felt when I found out I might not have children at all. I was torn, broken, less of a woman. And now I have tremendous guilt that I'm bringing a girl into the world that is likely going to got through the same thing. If she's not as lucky as me to find her other half so early in life (I'm 24, been with him since 15) she may lose her opportunity. Contrary to popular belief, it's very hard to freeze eggs so she'll need a partner to make and store embryos. What if she doesn't find him and she misses out? It's my fault for creating her.

But it's not just that. I can't relate to a girl. I've never been the typical girl - I never went rogue as a teenager and I'm scared she will. I hate getting my period and the poor thing is going to get one too. The pressure on girls in schools these days are scary - they're having sex at 12, being pressured by older boys. I can only do so much to protect her. She's not even born and I already feel helpless to look after her.

I don't like girly clothes or pink, frilly things. I hate doing hair and makeup and dresses. I LOVE boys clothes - the tuxedos I could have dressed a boy in.

Oh and it gets even pettier - my mother told me I'm having a girl and she wants me to have a girl. I told her I want and am having a boy and she had the cocky attitude that she's right. Well I told her today and instead of supporting me and saying congrats she laughed and said "I told ya so" - how fucking mature (sorry for the language). Oh how I wanted a boy so she could shove her words somewhere the sun doesn't shine.

I can't say "I have a daughter" as I've always thought I'd have a son. The words don't make sense to me yet. I'm hurt and disappointed and heart broken - not just that she's a girl but also at myself for feeling this way. With the struggle we went through to conceive her I _should _be happy. The NT scan went perfect, she's perfect and healthy and growing ahead of schedule.

I hate myself for being wrong. I hate myself for being disappointed.


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## chetnaz

Aww Hun, go easy on yourself. It's natural to have dissapointment when you're expecting to hear one thing and you hear the opposite. You just need to get used to the idea of a girl and adjust. You mustn't feel guilty for health issues that may not be there. You said she might inherit it. And even if she did, look at you! You're having your baby, and she will too. And you will be there to support her if she has any difficulty. Im not a girls girl either, and I've always said I'm glad I have three boys rather than three girls, BUT I desperately want a girl this time as I want to experience that mother/daughter relationship. Doesn't mean she'll be dressed in pink frills and going to ballet. Shell probably be climbing trees and doing karate with her brothers! Try not to worry, everything has a way of working out. And I'm sure that once you have her and see her for the first time, all these worries will melt away, as mine will for me if I end up having another boy again. X


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## BlueHadeda

Ah honey, you sound so upset! :hugs: I get it, that's why we're on this GD forum. I'm so sorry about your loss and the problems you face getting pregnant. I too have some hereditary conditions I've most likely gave to my daughter, and some that's not gender specific, that we already know my eldest boy (and daughter) has and which my youngest boy most likely also have. So I understand how you feel about something like that. Who knows, maybe science will improve so much they can do more for her than they were able to do for you. We can't protect our children from _everything_ in life. My daughter got a neural tube defect in the 9th week of pregnancy. I will always feel guilty about it, but I also know that it wasn't really in my hands. Some things we just have to accept.

And like you, I'm not a girly girl. I hate doing my hair (and even that of my daughter, though I love seeing her in plaits). I hate make-up and cutex and girly clothes. I haven't worn high-heels for about 15 years now!! Still, I wanted a little girl, and I'm pregnant with my 4th and again praying for a last little girl again. I loved dressing up my little girl when she was small. I loved the cute clothes and the pink and the softness of a babygirl. 

I don't want to give you false hope, but determining the gender at 12-13 weeks is very difficult. Maybe, who knows, the sonographer was wrong? Though, I'm also at a very good dr and would've trusted her if she said it's a girl. Some of them really are just that good. 

Would you be able to have another baby one day, and maybe get the boy you want then?

You should give yourself time now to accept this baby's gender. I'm sure like all of us, you'll find that when baby is born, you really do love that little baby just so much that nothing else matters anymore. :flower:

Oh, and about your mom....maybe she didn't realise how much this mattered to you. :dohh: And don't be mad at yourself for being wrong! Loads of us women are wrong about these things. My MIL had bought all pink clothes and decorated the crib in pink ribbons twice for her 3 boys, LOL. She was just so sure, and still ended up being wrong.


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## Adela Quested

I'm so sorry :(

3 things:

1. If it's anyone's 'fault' that it's a girl, it's your partner's: sperm decides the gender. But of course there is no 'blame' to be laid.

2. Your daughter may not inherit the premature ovarian failure.

3. If she does: for starters she has prior warning, it won't take her by surprise. And seriously, who knows where reproductive technology will be in only ten or fifteen or twenty years' time? They may be able to freeze eggs by then, or she may choose to freeze embryos using a sperm donor. Or she may not want children ... there are just so many variables.

Don't get me wrong: your feelings are valid and I know this is causing you a lot of pain. Your fertility problems have obviously caused many problems for you and you can't bear to see your child go through the same. But you are reaching a bit too far into the future sweetie ... if there's any area of science that is advancing rapidly it's repro tech.

Don't be ashamed for feeling disappointed and having other thoughts. Even today I was chatting to another mother and she said that when she found out her baby (now 3) was a boy she was bitterly disappointed and felt like she didn't want him. By the time he was born she had processed her feelings and now (like me) she finds it hard to imagine having a girl. Gender disappointment, whether to a greater or lesser degree, is so so common. You're not a bad person.


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## Emerald87

Thanks everyone.

I thought I was feeling better today - I keep saying "her" and "my little girl" but it's all so fake. I'm trying so hard and thought I was all good until I went around BnB and realised how much I was resenting the ladies on team blue. Like it's their fault... For f's sake, it's so wrong of me. I'm just so jealous of "their little man" and "it's so great I'm expecting a boy". I tried to offset this by reading about the "advantages" of a girl and I just found myself scoffing at some of the suggestions.

I'm trying and I thought I was getting somewhere. Turns out I'm back to square one and finding myself resenting the beautiful life inside me. The self hate and the loathing isn't going away any time soon.


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## Missy86

Hugs hun :hugs:

I felt the same way as you, except I am having a boy and wanted a girl

I hated seeing all the pink bumps on bnb but it does get easier, I am really looking forward to having 2 little boys now


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## ds0910

I find myself resenting all the ladies with pink bumps because we desperately wanted a girl, but found out Thursday we are having a boy. My disappointment isn't to the same degree as yours as I already love my baby boy and couldn't resent HIM, but like you I AM still disappointed and saying "my son" just sounds WAAYYY off mark. I am hoping all this will go away soon, as I hope yours does as well. Good luck hun.


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## Emerald87

I'm finally feeling better and trying to find some girl names. I even pushed myself into getting some little clothes for her yesterday. I've made a lot of progress - all the resentment is gone, there's just a bit of residual disappointment and also holding out hope that the sonnographer was wrong. I'm going to beg to go back in a couple of weeks rather than in 7 weeks and ask if I can get some more of an indication.


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