# Found FOB.



## Croc-O-Dile

I found FOB on facebook after my best friend ran into him at the mall. After a lot of thought I decided to make a fake account that can not be traced back to me what-so-ever and message him. There's only one question I need an answer to. One question that's be eating away at me for Olivia's entire life. My message is this:


> "Do you ever think about your daughter? Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into some heartfelt conversation. That's all I want to know. Nobody will even know I asked you. You reply, even a one word answer is fine, and we go about our lives as they've been. Simple as that."

Now, do I press send?


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## we can't wait

I think you should send it if that's what you want to do. Like you said, it can't be traced back to you, and it's not like you're insulting or harassing him. It's just a simple question.

Its your choice. Weigh the pros and cons, and do what you feel is best. :flow:


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## Croc-O-Dile

It's hard for me to weigh the pros and cons because I don't know him now. I know who he was. But now, he's got this girlfriend who's only a year or so younger than him (He used to have a fascination with 14 year old girls....when he was 25) and his new facebook is a year old and still nobody under 20 is on there. He may just be more careful now, or him almost going to jail over the last girl may have changed things. I don't know. I think I want him to say "Not really" because then I won't feel so guilty. But what if he says he does? What if he wants to meet her? There's no way in hell I can allow that. There's no way in hell I can put Olivia in that sort of danger. Yet, I feel like if I don't ask I'm going to explode with guilt. I don't know.


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## Melibu90

If you send it i think i will be like a weight off your shoulders, you will have done your peice and see what happens, and if he does want something to do with your daughter no way can he walk back in and call any shots

:hugs:


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## Croc-O-Dile

Can I just say that I'm completely terrified?


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## Strawberrymum

I would be terrified to! try not to feel guilty its not your fault he isnt a dad to your daughter. i know that really hard though. has he ever tried to get into contact with you?


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## Croc-O-Dile

No. I don't know if he's never tried because he never wanted to or because my parents instilled the fear of god into him. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to fix things with him, I don't want to suddenly be his bff and have him taking Olivia on day trips. I just want answers.


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## Mei190

I can understand your fustration Ally. You just have to think though, would you be really happy with a negative answer? 'Cause it might turn out that way.
If it were me, sometimes it might not be worth knowing. 

Whatever you choose I am sure it will be the right decision :hugs:


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## Natasha2605

But hun, what happens if he says yes he does? Will a part of you feel bad maybe ( although you have no reason to) and reply to him again? What if he messages back saying yeah I do and then tries to keep talking to you to let him see her? What if rather than helping you it gives you a whole other load of thoughts that you just don't need? Or he may well say no - will you really be able to resist writing back to ask why or give him a piece of your mind?

Obviously it's your choice, I'm just worried that whatever the outcome it'll just put more thoughts and stress on you. You and Livi have managed fine without knowing how he feels about her and I dont think this could change it in a positive way.

Sorry if my replies a bit jumbled, Summer waited till I started replying to jump on my knee haha! xx


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## Shannyxox

I think you should hun, I bet it will be scary! But do what you think is best x


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## lauram_92

There have been so many times I have wanted to private mail fob on Facebook but i never went through with it because I know no answer will ever be the end. If you feel like you can take whatever answer he says, accept it and leave it there then maybe you should mail him. Don't feel any guilt, you have done an amazing job of raising your daughter and one day she will appreciate everything you've done for her. Hope all goes okay if you do mail him x


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## EllaAndLyla

I think Yes, by the sounds of it it is playing on your mind. I would do it just to put my mind at rest. But think of the outcome, if he says yes or no. Don't feel guilt because it isn't your fault xxxx


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## missZOEEx

I voted yes. 
my dad left when I was young & I wished my mum could have done this so that I'd know now whether he ever thought of me? If that makes sense? 
& I don't blame you for being absolutely terrified... I'm sure most people would be too. 
Good Luck x


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## sarah0108

I agree with what natasha said x


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## faolan5109

I think you would feel better if you did man. I know how awkward that can be though, but if he does answer at least you wil get something. And if he does not answer at least then you know where you stand.
-huge massive hugs- by the way


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## Lauraxamy

I think Natasha pretty much summed up what I was going to say. :hugs:


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## Natasha2605

Hope your alright hun :hugs: xx


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## QuintinsMommy

I would, actually I did before, my fob never answered


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## xx~Lor~xx

Also agreeing with Natasha. 

I would be hesitant to, there might be repercussions and you'd kick yourself. But if it's eating away at you, do it. 

x


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## rileybaby

I voted yes. if he doesnt reply or doesnt give the answer your looking for, its closure for you and your daughter, and you can try to accept and move on. As long as you are prepared for the reply you may get then go for it.xx


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## Croc-O-Dile

So I sent it. It never even occurred to me that he wouldn't respond, but it looks like he might be doing just that. He's obviously been on as he changed his profile picture. But he hasn't blocked the fake account out, so maybe he just didn't read it yet. I'm trying to convince myself he's at work and couldn't be bothered to reply, but will once he's home.


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## lauram_92

When I messaged fob to say Oliver had been born he never replied. I kept thinking he wouldn't have seen it yet but he just never replied and I thought it was worse because it showed how little he cared. I hope fob does reply to you. Let us know how you get on.


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## Croc-O-Dile

Thanks. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, it's so obvious that he wouldn't reply. Everything is a game to him, he does things to hurt people on purpose. If he thought I wanted him to message me, he is obviously going to not message me to piss me off and make it obvious that he's ignoring me by leaving me unblocked and changing something obvious like his profile picture. Touche, FOB. Touche.


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## Desi's_lost

Ally... Back away from it and run like the fucking wind. I know the inner termoil. It's miserable but I also remember you're thread about this guy. Don't you used to be terrified of him? The things he's done ally they don't change. You don't just stop being a pedo. What he's doing is establishing a life. Then once he's say well, he'll start praying in kids again. How do you know that the only reason he's 'changed' is that he came too close to being caught.... Delete the account babe. Even if he says yes... That's not a road you want to touch.


Eta: forgive all the freakin typoes. Damn phone


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## Croc-O-Dile

Desi, I think the only reason he's changed is because he came so close to being caught. I know people like him don't change. I know that he will always be a sick fuck and he can never have anything to do with Olivia. But, as much as he scares me shitless, I've realized that he's powerless over me. He can't touch me, he can't touch Olivia. I still have all my evidence of him being a pedo creep along with witnesses to the abuse and death threats in case he ever tried to go to court for a DNA. Which I'd fight, claiming religious rights against DNA testing. (Oh I've thought this all out)

I don't think he's going to respond, honestly. He's got too much pride.


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## lauram_92

Croc-O-Dile said:


> Thanks. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, it's so obvious that he wouldn't reply. Everything is a game to him, he does things to hurt people on purpose. If he thought I wanted him to message me, he is obviously going to not message me to piss me off and make it obvious that he's ignoring me by leaving me unblocked and changing something obvious like his profile picture. Touche, FOB. Touche.

I dont know much about him or your situation but I can tell you're better off with out him. Chin up. Don't let him get to you.


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## Desi's_lost

You have more faith in the system than I. 

You've prolly been told this before but he's not just any fob, he's a pedo freak of nature fob and even if he ever said he cared about it, it wouldn't ever be true. People like that only care about themselves. No matter what they try to make others think. by default, his answer will always be that he doesn't give a shit. 

:hugs:


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## Croc-O-Dile

I don't have faith in the system, I have faith that he values his life too much to challenge me. I ruined him, I could very easily do it again. I have his grandmothers phone number, address, place of work, etc. I know she doesn't know about Olivia. I have his entire family's contact information thanks to facebook. I know his bosses name. I know how to contact his boss. I know where to hit him so it hurts; in his pride. He knows he would never stand a chance in court, plus he would need to know where I am to serve me the papers. Plus, he's got a new girlfriend, he's going to want to keep her in the dark. I have her phone number as well. Turns out, I'm really good at finding people.


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## hot tea

I say no... Don't do it.

I think you have reason to be terrified. This man sounds like a potential danger to young girls. As a woman who was sexually abused as a child, leave it alone. If you start it up with this yes or no question, who know how far this will go.


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## Desi's_lost

You sound like you're ready for a war..but with how much you have on your plate, a war is the last thing you need to pile on top..

But do what you need to do.


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## hot tea

It is t worth the risk. He is a sick man. Perhaps he even ignores you to protect his child from himself - either way, it protects her to have him out of her life.

She is NOT suffering for not having him in her life. This guilt comes from you and you alone. Leave it alone. 

My heart is in my throat because of this thread. If only my own mother protected me.


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## Croc-O-Dile

I honestly don't see him replying, but I take no chances with him. I'm always ready for war, I have been since I was pregnant. It's second nature to cover my ass now. 

I wish he'd just screw up already and end up some jailmate's bitch.


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## Croc-O-Dile

hot tea said:


> It is t worth the risk. He is a sick man. Perhaps he even ignores you to protect his child from himself - either way, it protects her to have him out of her life.
> 
> She is NOT suffering for not having him in her life. This guilt comes from you and you alone. Leave it alone.
> 
> My heart is in my throat because of this thread. If only my own mother protected me.

I'm sorry you had to go through that :hugs:

But, that's exactly why he will never see her. The things he did to me he'll never have a chance to even think about doing to my daughter. 

I just wish I had answers for her. I just want some kind of closure with this all. I want to know he doesn't care, which by him ignoring me proves that. He's not trying to protect her from himself, he's far to narcissistic to think about anybody but himself. I don't really know why he doesn't care about her, I can only assume it's because he doesn't know how to care about anybody.


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## Desi's_lost

jailmates bitch :rofl: dont worry, he will end up in a world of shit. its just a matter of time. they always do.


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## Desi's_lost

The answers will come when you need them hun. And really, you may not have to worry about it ever, as long as she always feels loved. i never gave a shit about my bio dad till i started to feel like i was falling through the cracks.


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## hot tea

Oh hon... I understand exactly what you mean. There is no real advice anyone can give you, but know you're not alone and your protection and awareness of your daughter is a beautiful thing. 

He most likely doesnt know how to care for a person. It is best to look at him with a real mental illness - because I do truly believe that is what pedophilia is.


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## AriannasMama

Hope you get the answers you want Ally :hugs:. Some closure would be nice, but surely him not replying is closure enough. You and Olivia deserve so much better.


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## Natasha2605

I'm not really sure what you want from all this Ally, do you know? What do you want him to say to you? That yeah he does think about Livi : or no he doesn't? Because either way what difference does it make?

I'm just worried your opening yourself up to all sorts of problems but initialising contact with such a person as him. You say you want answers for Livi, what answers do you want? That ''yeah your dad said he does think about you but because he has done X,Y and Z to such and such he wasn't apart of your life, whether he wanted to be or not'' 

If he replies will you really be able to leave it at that : his reply? Because I doubt it. Curiosity is a bitch and I'd think is more probable to get the better of you. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but your one of the girls who joined just before me so I was pregnant with and I care about you, just don't want this to affect you negatively :hugs:


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## vaniilla

I would say no, your ip adress can be traced from where you logged in to message from what I know and also the guilt you feel now is nothing compared to the relief you will feel while your lo is growing and knowing that you have done the right thing, some things are best left in the past even when it's hard to move on from difficult decisions and experiences :hugs:


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## tasha41

I would say... does whether or not he thinks of her make a difference? 

Honestly, you are not looking to allow him into her life or anything like that or to get child support (as far as I am aware?)... whatever the answer is, I think it will kind of torture you... so I would either let it be, or contact him formally through an attorney or something if you wish to seek some kind of legal agreement with him as to custody and support.

Otherwise, you're either going to be hurt and angry to an extent, I imagine, if he says no he doesn't think of her ever. You love her to death and she's your perfect baby girl- how could someone, especially her father, NOT think of her?

But if he does think about her, you may start to feel guilt about him not being in her life- even if you know it's for the best.. and worse yet planting the seed in his head, that maybe he should seek you out or contact you, or try to get some kind of access to your daughter...


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## Croc-O-Dile

I do think I can just leave his answer (if he ever did answer) as it is and not respond to it. If he does admit to thinking about her, I don't want to know why because I know it's bullshit. If he admits to not thinking of her, there's one truthful statement I can say he's made.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of him in some way. I think about what's he's doing at that exact moment. I think about what things would have been like had he not have been a sick fuck. I wonder if he'd be proud of L if he knew her. I think about all the good times we had. I think about all the hell he put me through. I think about how he went through a phase of wanting to be superdad and how I wish he really was. I'm so tired of thinking of him. I just need to reinstate my faith that he's a no good piece of scum because those memories are starting to fade. It scares me that time has done this to me. Part of me still fears the very thought of him, but there's another part of me, the dominant part at the moment, that knows I'm stronger than he could ever be. 

I hate him. I really truly hate him. You know, I'm actually really glad that I did send that message and he blew me off because it's reminded me of how much he pisses me off. How can he sit there and go about life when I've put my life on hold to raise our daughter on my own? L was sitting on my lap while I checked my facebook and she saw a picture of him and didn't know who he was. In fact, she said, "Girl! Girl!" (He does look very feminine. :haha:) 

I can feel the rage coming back now. I was hoping that I could hate him without having the soul crushing rage, but I don't think that's possible. I suppose it's safer for me to have the rage than to have forgiveness.


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## lauram_92

:hugs:

I think you should just leave it. If you don't want anything from him then you're just getting hurt again for nothing. I know how it feels to think about someone, and question why don't they love their LO like you do? And why didn't they step up and be a father? It's hard. But atleast we are the ones in the right.


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## Croc-O-Dile

Yeah, I mean, I've said my bit to him and now it's done. At least now I don't have to wonder "What if I had contacted him?" because now that I have and he's ignored it it's on him. I don't feel like the bad guy anymore.


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## Natasha2605

As long as your at peace with yourself and your decisions that's the main thing :hugs: xx


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## Croc-O-Dile

It's 6pm here and still no reply. It's safe to say he's not going to reply. He's not one to reply late to anything. At noon tomorrow I'm deactivating the account and moving forward with my life. I'm finally going to be able to put him behind me. And while I still struggle with the things he put me through, I know now that it was ultimately his choice to stay away. I did what was best for my daughter and so did he.

I may always wonder about him, but that's okay. I've accepted that's it's a natural part of the grieving process that I've put off for so long.

Everybody forgets that he wasn't just my abusive FOB. He was two separate people. There was the man I feared more than anything, and there was the man I fell hopelessly in love with. The kind of love that made you physically sick at the mere thought of him leaving. I've never confronted the fact that while I hate him with such a fierce passion, at one point I loved him more than life itself. The transition from love to hate wasn't a gradual one either. One day I was at his house, laying in his bed and believing the sweet nothings he was saying, then next morning I wanted him dead. The love and fear I had for my child outweighed the delusional love I had for this man. He was not perfect by any means, and I put up with a lot more than I should have because he scared me, but I couldn't picture my life without him.

Now, here I am, almost 2 years later and I'm doing just fine without him. I have my moments where I want to just curl into a ball and disappear, but I believe that's normal given what hell I've been through the past 4 years. 

I've proved to myself that I am the better person. He does not control me anymore because I am stronger than him now. He's a coward and a fraud and I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. 

This was my rock bottom girls, so naturally this is where I start to rebuild myself. He will always be a part of my history, but he doesn't deserve to be a part of my future. 
I feel like I've just stood there watching my life burn, and now the fire's out and I'm left with the ashes of what was. It's oddly peaceful though, like a rebirth.

I can't thank you all enough for your endless support and kind words, even when I probably didn't deserve them. You truly are the best lot of people I've ever come across.:hugs:


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## rockys-mumma

Awh Ally :hugs: you're such a strong, level headed young woman. I think you have handled everything exceptionally well and that you are inspiring to other women out there. I'm glad you are ready to truly move on.


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## MommaAlexis

Sending love from OH and I!


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## Desi's_lost

You'll always deserve kind words and then some. :hugs:


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## 10.11.12

:hugs: I honestly don't understand how ANYBODY could stand to not know their own child. To at least answer one simple question for that child's' mother.


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## QuintinsMommy

:hugs: ally, I know my story is alot different then yours as FOB and I werent romanticly involved but it corses my mind really really often,wonder if he thinks of quintin,etc etc, 
but then I remember hes a shitty person and its not worth it. :hugs: (tho shitty in a crackhead in and out of jail kinda way which is also different)


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## Croc-O-Dile

Rome, thank you for sharing that. Glad to know I'm not the only one. :hugs:

And I'm glad that you never had necromantic relations. Dead people aren't as good in bed as you'd think. :rofl:


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## QuintinsMommy

:rofl: wtff spell check?! i didnt even notice that, omg peeing my pants rightnow, honestly so funny


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## Croc-O-Dile

:rofl: It seriously made my night. My OH was like, "What are you laughing about" Oh nothing, just talking about not fucking dead people.


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## Melibu90

Well done to you for going through all that and coming out the other side a wonderful mother :thumbup:
And im glad you got what you wanted to get at least you can drop all the guilt you were carrying, not that there should be any! :hugs:


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## Natasha2605

You said it all yourself really, you and Livi have come through so much together and of course it's natual human instinct to wonder about something that was succh a huge part of your life, both positively and negatively. Your LO's lucky to have such a strong woman as her mum because so many people would have crumbled in your circumstance :hugs:


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