# Am I being sacked as a Bridesmaid?



## Hunkdorey

Hi everyone!

I'm new here (this is my first ever post) and I'm in need of some help.

In November, my best friend of 25 years got engaged. She and her partner have been finding diffucult to conceive and are going to get treatment. As a result they opted to get married within a year - this September. She immediately asked me to be her bridesmaid and we were both so chuffed. She also asked another fairly close friend and her SIL to be.

Ok so my dilemma - in February, I found out I was pregnant. We werent trying but still, FANTASTIC news :happydance: I found out at only 4 weeks, on a Thursday and we calculated that I was due beginning of November. This meant that I will be about 34 wks pregnant at the wedding. 

On the Saturday, all the girls were meeting up to pick our dresses and stuff and I told her then and there, before any of the dresses were picked. She opted for an Empire line dress, one that, shouldn't be too much of a problem I thought for fitting when I got so big. Anyways, I really didnt think it was too much of a problem, until the brides mother kept thinking of ways to have me involved in the wedding, without having to be a bridesmaid. My friend and I both agreed, that, if she was still willing, I would happily be bridesmaid but would be totally understanding if she decided that she no longer wanted me to be - she assured me that this was NOT the case.

Roll on a month or two, and we are no further forward, the dress has been changed. It is now a bodice style dress, very fitted and I think it is boned at the waist (not entirely sure, I only saw it online). Also noticed however, when looking online that the store do a maternity section!! A few weeks later, her mum bumped into my mum and said that she was "very sorry about the way things have worked out, she wished they could have ended better". (?) Then when I text my friend asking her if I am still bridesmaid as the dress looks like its not too good for a pregnant belly, she text back saying "we'll speak about it when we meet it, its an awful lot of money to spend on a dress that we dont know will fit as it takes 16 weeks to make". I apologised for asking, incase it seemed rude, and she said "no, no. Dont apologise, would have loved for you to have been bridesmaid"

Does that not all sound like its been decided to you?? When I did meet her, she kept saying that I'll be too tired to be standing for the ceremony and stuff and she's just worried about me, but she still hasnt actually said yes or no. I really appreciate that she is looking out for me, but should it not be up to me to bow out? Especially since I already offered and she said no? I also offered to buy my own dress, incase something does happen and I cant make it - that way no money of theirs has been wasted.

Sorry for dragging this on, I'm just confused and actually, a wee bit hurt! I kinda feel like her or her mum dont want me to be bridesmaid, but dont want to say it and so are waiting on me to back out again.

Any thoughts? Advice??


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## Miss_d

It doesnt sound like she isnt wanting you to be bridesmaid at all, which i find sad :( your her best friend pregnant or not, you should be her bridesmaid, contact her and ask her so you know either way. :hug:


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## Mynx

It does sound alot like your friend doesnt want you to be bridesmaid and like MissD, it makes me sad too :( I would have loved for my best mate to be a bridesmaid at my wedding but we're really having to try and keep the costs down so we've compromised by having her daughter as a flower girl... tbh, if I'd have had the money, then I'd have had both of them in the wedding party! 
I think you really need to have a good heart to heart with her about it hun. She needs to tell you straight if you are going to be a bridesmaid or not and if not, then it's only fair she tells you the reasons. Maybe she's been pressured into it by her mum/OH or someone and she actually does want you to be a bridesmaid but feels she has to go along with what others are saying? 
Organising a wedding is so stressful without the added pressure of people saying that you should or shouldnt have this that and the other, so your friend may have been kind of rail roaded into a decision? :shrug: 

Either way hun, you need to know, it's only fair. :hugs:


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## Tiff

One of my BM's will be about 6 months pregnant at the time of my wedding. I can't imagine not having her there as I love her to pieces. There's ways to work around having a pregnant bridesmaid (not that its a massive issue) but there can be a seat arranged for you in the front row if you need to sit down, you can opt to wear flats rather than heeled shoes and we're having a bottle of water being held for her in case she needs a drink. 

:shrug: Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you can't be a part of it. I'd ask her straight out, and try to suss out what the issue is. Could be that she's having a hard time dealing with your pregnancy? :shrug: :hugs:


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## NuKe

Tiff said:


> One of my BM's will be about 6 months pregnant at the time of my wedding. I can't imagine not having her there as I love her to pieces. There's ways to work around having a pregnant bridesmaid (not that its a massive issue) but there can be a seat arranged for you in the front row if you need to sit down, you can opt to wear flats rather than heeled shoes and we're having a bottle of water being held for her in case she needs a drink.
> 
> :shrug: Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you can't be a part of it. I'd ask her straight out, and try to suss out what the issue is. Could be that she's having a hard time dealing with your pregnancy? :shrug: :hugs:

That was my first thought too!


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## Hunkdorey

Thanks very much for the replies. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable. 

Mynx - I think you hit the nail on the head, I kinda have a feeling that its her mums decision, and since it's her mum who is paying for the wedding, then she feels she has to please her. 

Tiff and Nuke - That was originally my first thought - I actually was dreading telling her, but she was really fine with it - well, it appeared so to me. But maybe not after all. I have asked her outright and got kinda non answers. We will see what happens when she goes back to the place she's getting the bridesmaid dresses from. I told her I saw that they had a maternity section, so she's going back there on Thursday night. Hope I will have an answer by Friday, she said she will phone me as soon as she gets in.

My mum thinks that I should just bow out, and to be honest, I feel like I should too. I know this sounds really bitchy, but I dont want to, as I dont want to make it easy for her and just make the decision for her!

Oh well, just need to wait and see for a few more days


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## leash27

It does sound like that is what she is trying to tell you without actually telling you hun. Maybe you should just ask her? I was MOH at my best friends wedding last year when I was pregnant, not as far along as you will be but I still caused havoc with dress alterations as they had already been chosen and paid for before I got pregnant. I felt awful because I know it stressed her out a bit worrying about the dresses fitting etc and I got the feeling she wouldn't have asked me to be a bridesmaid had she known I would have a bun in the oven. If it has upset you then talk to her about it? As a PP said, she may have been pressured into the decision by someone else.

x


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## Hunkdorey

Thanks for the replies! I was just wanting to make sure that I was not being unreasonable.

Mynx - yea, I think that shes kinda being pushed into it too. Her mum and dad is paying for the wedding, and her mum was kinda funny at first when I told her I was expecting. She instantly had all these other things I could do at first, but they werent just alternatives - I really felt I was being pushed towards them. So yea, I think you are quite bang on about that one!

As for whether or not she has a problem with the fact that I'm pregnant - I'm not sure. I was sort of dreading telling her, and when I tried to, she guessed right away. She didnt seem sad or anything, just genuinely pleased for me. But then again, I dont know if she's just putting on a happy face for me. 

I really need to ask her outright again, when I did the last time, I never really got an answer. She's going back to the place she's getting the bridesmaid dresses from this Thursday, as I had told her they had a maternity section, and said she would phone me once she's been. So hopefully I'll have an answer by Friday.

My mum thinks I should just bow out, as she thinks it's obvious that's what they want, and to be honest, I actually want to. I know this sounds bitchy, but I dont want to do it for the reason that I dont want to do this for her/her mum and make it easier for them. I want the truth just said to my face, not me making the decision for her to keep her conscience clear. Thats bad, I know :(


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## Hunkdorey

Thanks for the replies!

I do feel that it is more her mum's wishes rather than her own - she kept saying it was a lot of money to ask her mum to pay when I tried to ask her the other day. Her mum and dad are paying for practically the whole wedding, so she will be feeling bullied into it by her mum.

I dont think she has a problem with me being pregnant - at least I really hope not. When I told her she did seem genuinely pleased and told me not to be so silly when I offered to step down as bridesmaid. I really dont know.

I just feel like saying that I'm not going to bother anymore, just to either find a replacement or just only have two bridesmaids. My mum thinks I should, but to be honest (and I know this sounds bitchy) but I dont want to - I want be be told, to my face. I really dont want to make this decision for her:growlmad:


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## Mynx

Hunkdorey said:


> Thanks for the replies! I was just wanting to make sure that I was not being unreasonable.
> 
> *Mynx - yea, I think that shes kinda being pushed into it too. Her mum and dad is paying for the wedding, and her mum was kinda funny at first when I told her I was expecting. She instantly had all these other things I could do at first, but they werent just alternatives - I really felt I was being pushed towards them. So yea, I think you are quite bang on about that one!*
> 
> As for whether or not she has a problem with the fact that I'm pregnant - I'm not sure. I was sort of dreading telling her, and when I tried to, she guessed right away. She didnt seem sad or anything, just genuinely pleased for me. But then again, I dont know if she's just putting on a happy face for me.
> 
> I really need to ask her outright again, when I did the last time, I never really got an answer. She's going back to the place she's getting the bridesmaid dresses from this Thursday, as I had told her they had a maternity section, and said she would phone me once she's been. So hopefully I'll have an answer by Friday.
> 
> My mum thinks I should just bow out, as she thinks it's obvious that's what they want, and to be honest, I actually want to. I know this sounds bitchy, but I dont want to do it for the reason that I dont want to do this for her/her mum and make it easier for them. I want the truth just said to my face, not me making the decision for her to keep her conscience clear. Thats bad, I know :(

Aww it does seem that way from what you've said there hun. It's a real shame too because it's her wedding, not her mum's! Her mum and dad may be paying for the wedding but it's her daughter's day and she should respect the bride's choices, money or no money! It's a real shame that the bride doesnt seem strong enough to stand up for her choices, she'll regret it in the long run :( 
Dont bow out tho hun! Stick to your guns because it seems as tho your friend really wants you to be a bridesmaid but doesnt know how to say no to her mum. I hope it gets sorted for both you and your friend soon hun! It's definately worth having a chat with her about it tho and telling her how you feel about being pushed out :hugs:


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## honeybee2

my sister will be nearly 7 months and it wouldnt be the same without her even though she is a pain in the arse!!! Have a word with her hunny xx


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## Hunkdorey

OMG - I'm so sorry for putting on so many posts!! I kept getting a connection error and so just kept trying. Sorry for repeating myself lol!

Just going to wait and see what she says tomorrow night, hopefully we can have it sorted soon. Also, I do in some way, think she might be right - I don't know how I'll be feeling, but then again, I plan to be still working at that point - just taking a few days holiday before hand to make sure I'm well rested.

Thanks again for your replies xx


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## Jin

From your first post it does sound like it's more her mum putting pressure on her for you not to be bridesmaid.

My MOH is my best friend who will be 8 months pregnant at my wedding. originally we were having burgundy and Ivory for our colour scheme and then my MOH came to me and said did I mind if she wore a black dress as she has seen one she loves and will be really comfortable in but she understands that I've picked my colour scheme and won't wear that dress if I don't want her too. So I told her to get it and now we have just incorperated a little bit of black into our colour scheme so that she won't stick out like a sore thumb. 

At the end of the day i want my best friend beside me as my MOH and I couldn't care care less what she wears or that she won't match my other bridesmaid. 

Also I just wanted to add that my fiance and I have been trying for a baby since November with no luck but I still want my best friend beside me pregnant or not so I am also really sad to hear what you are going through. 

Bottom line is just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you can't still be a bridesmaid. There are ways around it. But maybe with her mum going on in her ear she hasn't really thought about other ways to work it. Could you maybe sit down together and discuss other options? Like maybe you could wear the same colour dress as the other bridesmaids but in a different style and explain to her that people will understand that because you are pregnant you are needing to wear a different style of dress.

It might be that she's not doing it to be awkward but with all the other stresses of wedding planning she's just freaked out a little bit and made a mountain out of a mole hill :hugs:


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## Hunkdorey

Jin said:


> Could you maybe sit down together and discuss other options? Like maybe you could wear the same colour dress as the other bridesmaids but in a different style and explain to her that people will understand that because you are pregnant you are needing to wear a different style of dress.

That was the first thing she said to me when I told her I was pregnant. She said that she would make me MOH so then that way, my dress will be the same colour, just a different style. I really do, the more I think about it, believe that it's her mum that pushing for this. To be honest, I dont understand at all. We have been best friends since starting primary school :sad2:

She did have one other suggestion, and that was to just have me as a guest, but I still go down in the morning with them to get my hair and make up done and enjoy the champagne breakfast (without the champagne lol) and sign the register/marriage certificate for her.

I thought this was quite a good idea, took a lot of pressure of me having to worry about being tired or whatever. It was only ever a suggestion though but now she seems to be speaking as if it had been agreed. We only spoke about it once, in amongst other 'how abouts'. She spoke as if she was giving me this great honour I wouldn't otherwise get by letting me be her witness. But surely, as her closest and oldest friend, it would be my job to sign anyway?? Or is that just me being funny? I did always assume that I would basically be chief bridesmaid when I was initially asked. I know, however, that was me being presumptious and I shouldnt take anything for granted.

sucks


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## Miss_d

your best just speaking to her rather than left wondering whats going on, tbh i dont think shes being fair at all, even if it is her mother laying down the rules she should be running it past you, but then again shes probably not wanting to upset you x


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## MissMummyMoo

Totally agree with everyone else. She should be telling you outright what's going on! It's not fair leaving you in the lurch :grr: hope you manage to get it sorted hun :flower: x


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## Hunkdorey

So, she went to the bridesmaid shop and asked about maternity dresses. She told me that they don't do maternity dresses, they just had sketches online. That was it. So I asked her what that meant and she said that they dont have any maternity dresses in store that you can see, you have to order them from the online sketches. And that was it!! :growlmad: Nothing afterwards to see if perhaps we wanted to think about that or anything, or that even it was too much hassle for her and she would rather me just not be a BM.

Honestly, getting really sick of it - I think it's fairly obvious that I am no longer a bridesmaid but she just doesn't want to seem horrible and tell me that, so I think I'm going to have to just bow out gracefully. Well, as gracefull as my hurt feelings will allow me.

Am actually getting raging just thinking about it - :hissy:


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## Tiff

I think you need to be more direct sweetie! As awkward as it is, I don't think she's going to be forthcoming unless you ask a point blank question. You can say that with how everything's been going you are getting some weird vibes, and are you still a BM?

Sorry that it has to be so cut to the chase, but if you word it like that she has no choice but to answer directly. :(


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## MissMummyMoo

I agree with Tiff hun :( what an awful thing to do! X


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## Mynx

Aww now it just sounds like she's dodging the issue here because she doesnt want to hurt or upset you.. but what she's not realising is that you're already hurt and upset by not knowing what's going on! 
I agree with the others hun, you've gotta come right out and ask her.. dont bow out till she confirms your worries :hugs:


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## Hunkdorey

A little update

I decided that I was just going to bow out. I couldn't be bothered with all the hassle of not knowing what was happening. She seemed genuinely upset. In fact, we both ended up crying!! I told her that I felt that her mum wasn't 100% behind my being bridesmaid but she told me that wasn't the case. That she was just worried about how I would be feeling. I also told her that I felt it would be so much easier if I just said now and made the decision now as any time I had asked her, I didn't get a straight answer. I can now relax and not worry for the next few weeks about what's going to happen with dresses and fittings and what-not. It also means that the decision was mine, not that I was sacked, lol.

I feel so much better now, I think it means I can relax for the whole day now, and if I do decide I'm really tired or whatever, I can just go upstairs to my room and rest - even if it is straight after dinner, lol! I She also said that I should still come and get my hair and make up done, sign the register and have my photograph taken with her.

All in all, I think it's reached a really positive ending - I didn't want it to fester with no answers and feeling things that I had no need to feel.


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## Mynx

Hunkdorey said:


> A little update
> 
> I decided that I was just going to bow out. I couldn't be bothered with all the hassle of not knowing what was happening. She seemed genuinely upset. In fact, we both ended up crying!! I told her that I felt that her mum wasn't 100% behind my being bridesmaid but she told me that wasn't the case. That she was just worried about how I would be feeling. I also told her that I felt it would be so much easier if I just said now and made the decision now as any time I had asked her, I didn't get a straight answer. I can now relax and not worry for the next few weeks about what's going to happen with dresses and fittings and what-not. It also means that the decision was mine, not that I was sacked, lol.
> 
> I feel so much better now, I think it means I can relax for the whole day now, and if I do decide I'm really tired or whatever, I can just go upstairs to my room and rest - even if it is straight after dinner, lol! *I She also said that I should still come and get my hair and make up done, sign the register and have my photograph taken with her.
> *
> All in all, I think it's reached a really positive ending - I didn't want it to fester with no answers and feeling things that I had no need to feel.

Well it sounds like a happy medium has been reached. It also sounds like you're actually quite relieved that you dont have to go thru the whole bridesmaid thing too. If both you and your friend are happy that it's this way now, then it was a good decision on your part hun :thumbup: At least now you can relax and concentrate on cooking your little bundle and the bride wont have the hassle of her mother or family going on at her about the situation - I still feel that this has been the case even tho she told you it wasnt. 
I'm glad it's all worked out for you both hun :hugs:


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## Tiff

Glad you feel better about all of this! :hugs:


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## Hunkdorey

Ok, so thought this was all done and dusted, but just got some very interesting news today!

After everything had been said, I felt a lot better knowing that we managed to sort everything out without anyone having any real ill feelings towards the other. As Mynx said, a happy medium was met.

So, she went home all ok yesterday and I felt ok too. Today she texts me saying that one of her other bridesmaids just told her she is pregnant!!! :haha:

LOL, I know this sounds harsh to be laughin, but really - you have to!! We dont know how far along she is as she hasn't been to the doctor, but I would guess not too far - maybe 4/5 weeks? So I don't know what my friend will do now? I feel sorry for her, I really do - I just wonder what her mum is going to say!! She only has three bridesmaids, well, originally she did before I bowed out. She said in a text, thats 2 down, only one to go - thank god the other bridesmaid is a lesbian! lol!!

Sorry, I know we all thought this thread was pretty much over, but I just had to share xx


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## Tiff

I dunno, just seems off to me that you can't be pregnant and a part of her wedding party. :nope:

Well, thankfully nothing will happen to the 3rd Bridesmaid!


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## Tarkwa

Oh dear!!! It's all such a mess now, isn't it! Is this other b'maid expected to 'bow out gracefully' too because she is pregnant? Harsh, but serves her right if she/her mum has a problem with pregnant bridesmaids! Or does this mean you can be a b'maid again? If so then they need to find somewhere that does maternity wear!!! We went to a wedding with a heavily preggers bridesmaid. Sure, fitting will have to be done right near the date, but any good seamstress would manage that.
I do think that your friends mum is probably hurting inside that her baby isn't pregnant and now has 'two' pregnant b'maids. When I told my mum that SIL was expecting accident number 2 the day before I found out I was preggers she just rolled her eyes and said how unfair it all was. If my baby had problems falling pregnant I would feel quite protective too if others around him/her were getting pregnant. I know it's 'wrong', but as an LTTTCer it is hard, despite being genuinely happy for that person.
Would love to know how this all pans out - do keep us posted!
xxx


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## MissMummyMoo

I'd love to know if she gets rid of the 3rd bridesmaid too! :lol: x


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## Hunkdorey

How weird - was speaking to her just tonight!! 

The other girl wont be BM - she already has her dress chosen and fitted and seeing as its all fitted and boned, it just wont work. She joked that now she actually has a dress to spare for another BM lol!! When I said that she maybe could still be bridesmaid she said no way!! She's not having me, her best friend, not be BM because I'm pregnant but letting another one still be!! Was quite please actually!

So, I dont know if I had said this earlier? But her brother's g/f is pregnant, was due on the 4th July, but today her waters broke and she went into labour. All is fine, mother and baby are good from what I've heard, mum has apparently taken everything in her stride!! And as for baby, I hear he is ok too - he's just tiny!! They don't know the weight yet, but he is in SCBU and will most likely be kept in until he is full term. I cant remember how far along she was - 32 weeks maybe?

So, it was said that maybe brothers g/f might actually be interested in being a BM now, as she will have no trouble at all fitting into the dress - she is so petite! I'm really really hoping things work out for her, as she doesn't need the stress - planning a wedding is stressful enough without all your bridesmaid going and getting themselves knocked up!! lol


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## MissMummyMoo

Tbh I think this is an awful way to choose your bridesmaids! :shock: seeing who will fit into the right dress :wacko: I had to do a similar thing a few weeks before the wedding but that was because my sister backed out last minute leaving me with 3 instead of 4 BMs. I suppose mine was different too as my BMs bought their own dresses too (I'm guessing your friend is buying them) x


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## Hunkdorey

Yea, she's buying and paying for the alterations. When I thought that it was still ok for me to be a bridesmaid, I felt really bad having her pay extra for either a maternity dress or for extra alterations, so I offered to pay. Didn't do much though, her mum was not happy really and I could kinda tell and didnt want to put my bestest in the middle of it x


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## Tiff

I agree with MMM. :nope: I can't believe that if you are pregnant you can't be in her wedding! :dohh:

But as I said earlier, I'm glad you are happy. :hugs:


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