# 20 week scan today



## nuala

i had my 20 week scan today and was told my baby girl (found out sex today) has bad spina bifida and no chance of survial its all a haze my heart is breaking i cant do this took my husband and i 4 years for this.... so on tuesday i have to go into labour please if anyone has advice for me... i was told i can do a funeral is this true


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## hellohefalump

I'm really sorry for what you must be going through, I don't know the answer to the funeral question but I didn't want to read and run. *hugs*


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## Chocciebutton

So sorry to hear this........Ive not been in your shoes so I cant truly say I know how you are feeling, but imagining it seems unbearable :cry: . I hope you get the strength from somewhere to cope a little. I believe you can have a burial or a cremation if you wish, I believe that at 20 weeks a fetal death certificate is issued. I hope that you and your husband both get some support of some kind as it will be hard, especially as it took a long time for you to get this far . I will be thinking of you :hugs:


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## Imalia

I don't know what it's like where you are, but when I had my baby at 20+1, we were able to have a funeral, although we got no foetal death certificate.

I know it is a heartbreaking thing to face, DH and I had been trying for twelve years through three early losses to get to 20 weeks and be told our baby had died. There's nothing I can say that can make it better, but I hope the coming days are as gentle as they can be for you, and the ladies here are wonderful at giving support.

My PM box is always open if you want to talk.


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## AriannasMama

Nothing to say just :hugs:


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## Rachel B

So sorry :( :hugs:


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## netty

so sorry :hugs:

my sil lost her baby at 20 weeks earlier in the week
They were offered a funeral I believe.

:hugs:


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## Boothh

:hugs: so sorry hun xxxx


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## future_numan

Oh sweetie, my heart breaks for you and your husband :cry::hugs:


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## nuala

it hurts so much words cant describe as she is still living and kicking inside it hurts so much everytime she moves and kicks i really dont wana go through this this week i hope they will allow me to spend as much time as we need and bring a teddy and camera i want some memories i feel as if someone has ripped my heart out


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## sequeena

So so sorry :hugs:


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## netty

nuala said:


> it hurts so much words cant describe as she is still living and kicking inside it hurts so much everytime she moves and kicks i really dont wana go through this this week i hope they will allow me to spend as much time as we need and bring a teddy and camera i want some memories i feel as if someone has ripped my heart out

you take as long as you need with your daughter
take lots of photos and have lots of cuddles :cry::cry:


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## peanut08

OMG gutted for you cannot imagine what your both going through :hugs: i will be thinking of you xx


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## tabitha561

Im so sorry :(:( I cant imagine what your going through. I will be praying that it goes quickly for you :(:( :hug::hug:


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## SugarKisses

I am so sorry for your loss. I really am.

I have lost 2 babies now and had funerals for both. I didnt have much to do with my 1st because I so was numb, but I regretted it soon after and I made sure I did what I regretted with my first with my 2nd baby I lost.
Having the funeral is going to be so hard, but I would recommend doing as much as you can if thats what you feel like doing. I chose poems, the songs, chose what to put in the coffin, what colour coffin etc.

And when I lost my baby girl, I regretted not doing so many things with her with the time I did spend with her. So I did those things with my little boy. Like-taking as many pics as I could-both just baby and with me, daddy, family members. Pictures of feet, hands etc.
I bought a casting mould, and took moulds of his feet and hands, took hair from him, dressed him and cleaned him up. Held him as much as I could....
Hope you dont mind me suggesting this, like I said, I regretted not doing so many things with my baby girl and ill never get the chance back to do things differently.

Be gentle on yourself x x :hugs:


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## Jamaris Mummy

Hello Nuala I'm so very sorry about ur sad news. I had to deliver my baby boy at 16 weeks in august of last yr. What I can suggest is take time to think about how u want to remember ur baby, we never had a funeral but I wish we did now. We got footprints taken etc. We didn't get photos. The choice is completely up to u n ur husband, don't let ANYONE talk u in or out of anything. The nurse recommend we not take photos coz her professional opinion was it wouldn't help our healing. I now feel it would have. All the very best sweetheart. Big hugs and strength sent to u:hugs:It's a tough journey but believe me the heartbreak becomes more subtle with time, I never thought I'd say that after losing our son but it is so true. Our baby boy had no chance of survival either but had a different condition. Take care Hun, wishing u the best...


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## LHill2010

This thread brought me to tears. My heart is breaking for you. I don't know what you're going through, but just know that we are all here to offer love and support. I'm so sorry.


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## Hotbump

:hugs: there is member here i think that her username is teagansmama not sure and she has a daughter with spina bifida (sp?) im sure she wont mind if you pm her. Again :hugs:


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## iloveblue

So sorry you are having to go through this. 
We lost our baby at 20+3 weeks in October. We were offered the choice of making our own funeral arrangements but chose not to. We didn't get a death certificate - has to be over 24 weeks for this.

I really hope it goes as well as it can for you - do what feels right for you, and remember although the pain of losing your daughter will always be there, it does get easier.
xxxx


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## LittleAngel09

You poor thing. I lost my 1st baby to this. Its heartbreaking. You can have a funeral if you wish. The hospital did offer this to me, either one arranged by the chapel or to take her home and organise it myself. 

I'm thinking of you and if you need to talk pls message me. I'm happy to listen. 

x:hugs:


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## ladyredlainey

I am so truly sorry, I have never been through this so I can not imagine how your feeling. But I couldn't read and not reply.
I hope your able to have someone to speak to, to help you through this, and your husband to.
Sending the biggest load of hugs possible to you both xx:hugs:


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## kipperc

really sorry for your loss


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## BeesBella

:hugs:I am so sorry. I don't know what to say !


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## MaevesMummy

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Hello, I am so sorry to read this. You are very much entitled to a second and third opinion. You will have to decide what is best for you so hard and I can not even imagine how this must feel. If you want more opinions, do it, if you want to speak to parents of children who have been born with Spina Bifida, I imagine there are some places you can go. 
A friend recently had to let her baby girl go under similar circumstances. They induced Labour. I admire her, she was so brave and made a decision no parent should ever have to, but it was unselfish and completley for her little girl.
If you little baby girl passes away, they induce labou, and you can have a funeral.

We got a birth certificate for Maeve, she was born alive, and it is law any baby born alive must have one. we were also allowed to register her death.

You can chose to have whatever you want. We chose a wicker casket like a little moses basket, and a small imediate family service with donations to Sands. We had her cremated.
We have not found anywhere beautiful enough to scatter her ashes.

I can not imagine how hard this is, stay true to your heart, lots of love and best wishes will be thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## SilasLove

I am so sorry :hugs:


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## Jox

I'm so sorry ur going thru this :-( I just dont know what to say regarding the sb as I have no experience but if ur little girl does leave u there is a sticky thread in stillbirths section for memories with ur baby. That thread was my lifeline because now i have (almost) no regrets.

If u want a funeral u can have one, u can have a burial/grave or cremation. I dont think you'll get a death certificate unless she is born alive, then u would get a birth and death certificate.

If ur being given the choice whether or not to continue the pregnancy then their r some amazing mummies in the ethical prenatal loss section.

Again, im so sorry x


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## baileykenz

My cousin has sb and is an adult and i know theres all different stages..get all the help you can hun..do what ever makes you and husband feel you need too..
So so so sorry...i havent been through this but got told today i am having a silent miscarriage so i am hear for u if you need it..
Emma


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## nuala

thank you everyone for your kindness and support i really cant do this i feel soo lost i just cant cope... as i was told her brain and skull hasnt developed i still have hope and it kills me that she is kicking soo much i hope when i deliver her i get chance with her alive xo


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## babesx3

Massive Hugs XXX :hugs:
It is a terrible decision u have to make.. i can't imagine, as every part of u will want to protect your unborn baby..:(
As the others have said there are sticky threads in the stillbirth section that really helped me when i lost my son.... after reading lots of others storys i felt more preppared for what was going t o happen when i gave birth and i did everything i could for my baby, and i found comfort in that. i took pictures, spent time cuddling him, i have his footprints, and although i had no birth certificate they gave me a certificate to show his birth details etc... i had him blessed...
I had a funeral for him, chose music, and wrote him a passage... i also put pictures of his family in his coffin, and wrote him a letter telling him how much i loved and wanted him and had that put in his coffin..
I had him cremated, and so far have no scattered his ashes, but have him at home where i actually like him to be..on a high shelf in our lounge with and angel ornament, and pictures of his family, i feel like he is home where he should be...
we also planted a tree for him.....
I wish u the strength to get thru the following painful days XXX :hugs:


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## MaevesMummy

nuala said:


> thank you everyone for your kindness and support i really cant do this i feel soo lost i just cant cope... as i was told her brain and skull hasnt developed i still have hope and it kills me that she is kicking soo much i hope when i deliver her i get chance with her alive xo

Never give up hope, You are doing the right thing by you. Lots of love and praying for you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Groovychick

https://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj183/Untus/Sinhala/Teddy.jpg


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## purpleposting

Firstly, If it were me, I would definately get a 2nd/3rd opinion, just to be sure.
I don't know how you must be feeling, my heart is breaking for you. Prepare yourself with knowledge and write down what you want to do (take photos, prints etc) if that time comes.
Sending you massive hugs, x


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## bubble1990

Oh Hun I'm so sorry I didn't want to read and run thinking of you and your family xxxx


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## marnie79

i am so so sorry hun, i wish there was something i could saythat will make the next few day's weeks months easier for u, but i know from experience there isnt much anyone can say, just know that there are people here that will support u if we can :-( :hugs:


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## Weeplin

I'm so sorry hon :hugs: xx


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## Skye1

nuala said:


> it hurts so much words cant describe as she is still living and kicking inside it hurts so much everytime she moves and kicks i really dont wana go through this this week i hope they will allow me to spend as much time as we need and bring a teddy and camera i want some memories i feel as if someone has ripped my heart out


:cry:OMG this is heartbreaking for you, I really feel for you. I don't know what else to say other than send you hugs and I'll be thinking about you tomorrow :hugs:


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## cliqmo

I'm so sorry Nuala xx


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## Joyzerelly

I'm not religious but god bless you and your hubby during this impossible time. :hugs:


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## Mrs-C

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't begin to imagine :hugs:


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## nuala

ok so went to the hospital today and confirmed spina bifeda (sp) baby mollys skull and brain hasnt developed i broke down in hospital was soo hard to listen that my baby wont survive if i carry her for another few months i feel so lost and scared and i havent got a clue whats going to happenn thank you all kind friends xoxo i will keep you all informed


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## Jasiellover

So so so sorry :(


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## Groovychick

:hug:


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## babyfromgod

awww hun i am so sorry to hear about this :nope:


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## MaevesMummy

I am so sorry. Yopu need to do what is best for you both. I wish I could do something to help. Sands has helped me so much.
There will be others on there who have been through very similar.
www.uk-sands.org

Sending you love and hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## baileykenz

ohh hun i cant express my hurt for you and your husband..
thinking of u 
emma x


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## Tulip

Nuala my love, Im so sorry. My firsr baby was also diagnosed with anencephaly/acrania but at our 12 week scan. She also had no chance of survival and was suffering fits constantly - it was awful to watch on the ultrasound screen and a felt a duty to end her suffering, though it broke my heart a week before christmas.

As she was diagnosed so early I never got the chance to feel her kick or to see her (they took her from me vIa ERPC) and it makes me sad. Cherish every kick, though it hurts your heart. Definitely run through the thread about what you might like to do in the time you have when your angel arrives :hugs:

You have every right to carry her to term if thats what you want to do, but if you have a difficult delivery at term it may affect future fertility and pregnancies :-/

Lots of love to you and your precious girl xx


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## babysimpson

Just seen this thread and it is absolutely heart breaking. I had to deliver my LO at 14 weeks as the placenta came away and it was very hard to deal with. I could have took them home and had my own buriel / cremation but we chose to let the hospital deal with the arrangements. I didn't attend the cremation because it was too hard for me to bear saying goodbye so early on. I really hope that you get to spend as much time with your darling daughter before having to say goodbye and you get the chance to take photos etc or do whatever you would like to do. I sometimes think I was a bad mother not going to my baby's cremation but I have cherished them in my own way.

All my love to you, your husband and most of all your precious daughter Molly xxx


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## doddy0402

my heart breaks for you. take care of yourself.x:hugs:


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## Kapow

So very sorry. xx


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## Lea8198

I don't know what to say but I am so sorry you are going through this. Massive hugs (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


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## babesx3

:hug:


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## Lol78

I'm so sorry, I know how devastating this is.
We lost our baby boy at 22 weeks following our 20 week scan, not due to spina bifida but we were also told he had no chance of survival and had labour induced.
I found that reading the sections on what people did for their babies really helped. I am so glad we had photos and memories. I also found the funeral really helpful. 

I entirely understand the agony of feeling your baby kick and knowing what you know. It is truely awful and I feel for you so much. I can't say or do anything to make you feel any better, but I am sending you a huge hug. I'm so sorry.


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## MissMaternal

I am so so sorry for what you are going through... :hugs: I lost my little girl at 20 weeks, although not through SB or anything similar, no cause was found for her death. I cannot even imagine the feelings you are experiencing right now with the thoughts of what may lay ahead for you and your little girl. I decided to have my baby girl buried in a communal grave with other babies, organised by the hospital. I was in no fit state emotionally to be able to organise a funeral, although now i wish i had had the strength to. Having said that, i did what was right for me at the time, and that's what you must do too, if it comes to it. 

I would also recommend (like another member said) writing a list of all the things you want to do when she is born. Photos, footprints, have her measured, have her weighed, wrap her in a blanket, dress her, take her a teddy etc... the thread in the stillbirth section which lists all these things you can choose to do is so so helpful. I still wish i had held my daughter for longer, but again, you have to do what is right for you at the time. 

You will be in my thoughts :flower: :hugs: xxx


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## nuala

ok so had to go to hospital today and they have booked me in for friday morning i am soo scaredi just hope i have the strength for her.... went last night and got a teddy and blanky for her


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## Tulip

You will find the strength because you're her mummy and you will do your very best for her :hugs: Will be thinking of you on Friday x


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## MrsWez

I am so sorry your baby is so ill. I wish there were words to comfort you. :cry: Your situation is so heart breaking.


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## babyerin

I'm have tears in my eyes because I lost my sister the same way a year and a half ago.
She had Anencephaly where the brain/skull doesn't develop.

I'm at a loss at what to say, no words can really help to ease the pain. You can have a funeral, my sister had a beautiful service, and has a grave with a headstone. We had music and readings at the graveside.
My mum took lots of pictures which are now in a special book, and there is a special memory box that my Mum decorated herself where she keeps little things to remember her by. There are lots of things that you can do for your baby.
Remember, you are strong and you can do this, like another poster said, you *are* her Mummy, and although it may not seem it right now, nobody can ever take that away :flow:
:hugs:


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## babesx3

Hugs!!!:hugs:
I hope the birth is gentle on you and you get to spend some time with your precious little girl, take as much time as u need!!
:hugs:
were here for u when u need us XXXX


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## muffin1

I really don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you and your husband x


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## lottie_2007

So sorry :hugs:


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## kiwimama

Make sure you spend as much time with your little girl after she is born as you feel you need to. Take photos, get some prints of her feet and hands etc, if you are feeling up to it. 
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is completely unfair and no one should ever have to go through it. Be gentle with yourself and come together as couple with your husband and support each other, as he will be hurting too. :hugs: I'm so sorry again. :hugs::hugs:


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## nuala

yeah she has Anencephaly and my hubby wont let me google pics as he said it would scare me and just rem her the way the midwives will give her to me (hat on head) just a few more hours and im going into hospital im sooo scared i cant discribe... there ringing me at 7am to to tell me when to come in as they dont want me waiting with other mothers who are in to give birth as im goin to a private part of labour ward


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## babesx3

massive hugs darlin'...hope it goes ok XXX
Be thinking of u today!!!:hugs:


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## Kapow

Thinking of you today. xxx


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## Lea8198

So so sorry to read this. Huge hugs xxxxxxxxxxx


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## MummyJade

Thinking of you xx


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## MissMaternal

You're in my thoughts . . . :hugs: xx


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## babyerin

nuala said:


> yeah she has Anencephaly and my hubby wont let me google pics as he said it would scare me and just rem her the way the midwives will give her to me (hat on head) just a few more hours and im going into hospital im sooo scared i cant discribe... there ringing me at 7am to to tell me when to come in as they dont want me waiting with other mothers who are in to give birth as im goin to a private part of labour ward


If you ever need to ask any questions about Anencephaly please feel free to PM me, any time, and I will reply as honestly, and as soon as I can. Best of Luck hun :hugs: :kiss:

I hope it went as well as could be for you hun :kiss:


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## MaevesMummy

Thinking of you, dont google it, it isnt that bad, but when you see her you wont see her disability, you will see your beautiful little girl xxxxx


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## odd_socks

*so so sorry to read this *


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## future_numan

Just wanting you to know that I'm thinking of you at the terrible time and sending you a big :hugs:


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## deshka

nuala said:


> ok so had to go to hospital today and they have booked me in for friday morning i am soo scaredi just hope i have the strength for her.... went last night and got a teddy and blanky for her

I am in n.ireland to nuala and lost my baby on the 13th jan 2011 when he came too soon , i had bleeding on and off since 6weeks so i dunno what went wrong, i had a trapped placenta and iam devasted since the day we buried him on wednsday past... stay strong x pm if you need any help:hugs:


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## broodylocket

im so sorry hun, hope they give u the time u need after to say your goodbyes. but forever in your heart xxx lots of hugs and squeezes. thinking of u xxx


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## nuala

baby molly was born 25th jan 8 18pm passed away 10pm she was absolutely gorgeous we found out i was actually 24wks her funeral was today i didnt cope very well i was in hospital 5 days and labour 12 hours but worth it she is now an angel i will get back on soon xo


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## Tulip

:hugs: I'm so sorry darling. Fly high, Molly :angel:


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## peanut08

Bless you baby Molly xx


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## ladyredlainey

So very sorry for your loss, those cuddles you had with her must have been so precious.
rip baby Molly xxx


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## BlaireUK

I'm so sorry you lost Molly. Xxx


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## babyerin

Thankyou for updating us I have been checking back, you have been in mine and my mums thoughts.
:hugs:

And floaty :kiss: to baby Molly xxx


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## firstprincess

Sending you the biggest hugs possible, you are in our thought and were here to listen when you need to talk xxx


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## baileykenz

so so sorry hun..
i a,m thinking of u xxx


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## babesx3

Massive :hugs:
Just take each day at a time, thinking of you!!
rest in peace baby Molly :kiss:
here when u need XXX


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## danimarie

so sorry, goodnight godbless Molly xxxxxxxx


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## Weeplin

Sending you so many :hugs: I'm so sorry.

Fly high and rest in peace baby Molly xx :angel:


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## sianyld

Im so sorry hun, massive :hugs:

Rest in peace baby Molly xx


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## future_numan

What a beautiful name for such a beautiful angel.. sleep soundly sweet lil girl :cry:


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## FierceAngel

been thinking of you x if you ever want to talk just pm me xx


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## Lea8198

I am so sorry. Rest peacefully baby Molly xxx


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## Bernie

Thinking of you:cry: RIP little Molly:hugs:


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## v2007

I am so sorry. 

RIP Molly.

:hugs:

V xxx


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## Sherri81

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

:hug:


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## emmsie27

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: xx


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## Newt

Bless you little Molly x I am so very sorry :hugs:


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## SassyLou

:hug:


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## debjolin

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. xx


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## cla

my thoughts are with you xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## new bride

I am so sorry for your loss :cry:

Fly High Baby Molly:kiss:


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## sweetcheeks78

Hugs to you all, little Molly is at peace now x


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## Szaffi

Sleep tight Angel Molly!


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## nuala

thank you everyone

i miss her like crazy it hurts i am going to post some pics of her later on this evening


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## babesx3

:hugs:
Be lovely to see your beautiful angel :hugs:


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## apple_sauce

:hugs::hugs: I am so sorry for your loss


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## twinklestar

I'm so sorry,

fly high little angel x x x


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## appadog

nuala, I hope you are doing well. I feel your pain and wish you the strength to continue.

I just found out our baby has some form of sb at our 20 week ultrasound and waiting to see the specialists next week. I can't help but feel we are headed down the same route :(

Be strong!


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