# Crying when arriving at nursery. How much is normal? Should I take him out?



## Sarah+

Hi Ladies,

I'm currently a stay at home mum but there is a daycare centre (what we call Nursery) in our street and as we recently relocated for my husband's work and have no family here, we decided to put Max (19 months) into daycare one day a week (just a half day so far). We thought it would be good for him to develop some independence and give me a chance to get a few things done.

I went with him twice for a couple of hours and he had a ball. The third and fourth times, he happily waved bye-bye as I left. Each of the three times since then, he has screamed no-no-no-no as soon as we arrive. I've stayed for half an hour but he still cries really hard when I do leave. I ring 15 minutes later and each time they say he's now fine but the last time I collected him, he was crying and they said he had started about 10 minutes before.


Is one day a week just confusing? Do some kids cry every time their parents leave? I just thought it should be getting easier to leave him now but it's like his reaction is getting worse each time. I want to pull him out but my husband says he will get used to it and we need to persist and it is good for him to be away from me for a few hours. The staff are nice and it seems to be a good centre. 

What do you think?


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## kiwimama

I'm not sure what to suggest. My lo had to go to a temporary carer while her normal one was on holiday for 3 weeks. The first day she went in fine, no crying etc, but the next day and everyday after she cried and clung to me not wanting me to go. It made me think "I wonder what happened on that first day that she would cry everyday after for 3 weeks?" 
If it were me, I'd be inclined (because the staff are saying that he is fine after 10 mins) to sit in the carpark in the car for 10 or 15 mins then peek in the window or door and see if he really is happy. Maybe you could cut down the hours so it's only a few hours a day, keep that up for awhile then increase an hour every couple of weeks? 
I really hope it gets better soon.:hugs: Maybe wait and see for another week or so? 
Gosh I'm really no help! :dohh:


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## Buffy71

Hmm it could be because it's such a short time only once a week that he never gets time to get used to it? On the other hand if your mummy instinct buzzer is bleeping, do what you feel is right. 

It's a toughy. If it helps, the setlling in days that H did she cried like a banshee. I was in bits thinking she would be unhappy but each time I picked her up she was fine and playing happily (except the first day when she grizzled for the full hour I was gone - I told them off for not calling me to pick her up early!). 

Anyway it turns out they know their stuff as by week two of doing 3 days a week, six hour days, she was complaining when I picked her up! Delighted to see me but then when she realised I was taking her away threw tantrums! 

Dont forget, the carers wouldn't want him to be sad all the time - they want happy kiddies as it's less for them to worry about and makes their day easier. My nursery said they'd call if they couldn't get her to settle and stop crying for longer than an hour and I believe them. If you think the carers seem nice I doubt they'd let your little fella be sad. 

However as I said - if the mummy sense is tingling then go with it. 

:hugs:


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## bloodbinds

Yeah i think it's because he's in for such a short amount of time only once a week. He's with his mummy all the time, and to kids that is the best thing in the world! If he went every day he would probably enjoy it more and be used to it as part of his rountine. Also because most children start going to nursery a lot earlier it is easier on them, but because he's going a little late and is very used to being with mummy all the time, it might be making it a little harder on him.
If it were me i would keep him in, and maybe start taking him in every other day or something so he gets more used to it and starts to enjoy it! :hugs:


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## Laura2919

Chloe and Jaycee started nursery at 4 months old so they were young but we had drama from them only a few weeks ago because they moved from downstairs to upstairs in the 2yr plus room. 
It takes a while but they did start to settle. Maybe 1 half day is a short amount of time for him. Would increasing him going to a day or two? 
My girls go 5 days a week part time.


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## Sarah+

Thanks for the replies. I think just half a day a week isn't probably enough for him to get used to it as part of his routine, but we really can't afford anymore days (as we have to pay the full day regardless of how many hours he attends) but he's a really social and confident little boy so we thought he would handle it well. We walked past today and he pointed and asked to go in!? I'm confident he's well taken care of there and I think he enjoys it once he's calmed down. I'm wondering if my husband took him if he'd get a different reaction? Still pondering if to send him this week or not... hmmm...


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## Laura2919

So if your paying a full day why not let him stay a full day? Its only one day a week. Its probably just a settling in phase, most children go through it.. Its normal


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## Harveysmum369

It depends on what sort of mood Harvey is in,sometimes he clings to me,others he wanders off and has his breakfast with no fuss.He used to go just one morning a week,he now goes 2.xx


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## Mum2b_Claire

Hmm, that is a tricky one. Have you thought about maybe taking him to groups / organised activities instead of nursery? I don't personally believe they need to develop independence at his age. Maybe give it a bit longer to see if he settles, but my personal thought on it would be, if he doesn't like it, (and you don't HAVE to send him), he isn't going to benefit from it anyway.


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## _Vicky_

no experience but didnt want to read and run - we are contemplating putting the boys in somewhere for exactly the same reasons soon and I am trying to work out when and how often too - its a toughie isnt it as you have the 'choice' 

I hope he settles soon xxx


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## _Vicky_

Mum2b_Claire said:


> Hmm, that is a tricky one. Have you thought about maybe taking him to groups / organised activities instead of nursery? I don't personally believe they need to develop independence at his age. Maybe give it a bit longer to see if he settles, but my personal thought on it would be, if he doesn't like it, (and you don't HAVE to send him), he isn't going to benefit from it anyway.

now see this is the way I am going too - and in my case there is two of them at home.


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## Buffy71

Just to say - H is clingy sometimes if I drop her off, but hubby usually drops her and she takes no notice at all and just leaves him to put away her things while she runs off to get her toast!! :)


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## Kiddo

Harvey is exactly the same. He's been going to nursery two afternoons a week for about 4-5 weeks now. He was great at his settle sessions and just walked in waving bye but since then he has cried most days when I drop him off. He cries when we pick him up as well. Sometimes he'll be playing with toys and only cry when he sees us but other times he'll be crying when we go in. The staff assure us he's fine in between but that he senses it's nearly home time so sometimes cries 10 mins before we go and get him.

I do think a lot of it has to do with 2 afternoons a week not being enough to get him in a routine. The staff who deal with Harvey say he is much better on Wednesdays than he is on Mondays. It's as if he forgets about it before Monday comes round again.

It is heartbreaking. If I didn't need to work then I'd maybe consider taking him out and if I earned more then I'd consider sending him an extra afternoon or two a week. It is a toughie.


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## Racheldigger

With Rowan, it's all about being hungry: the hungrier she is, the more she whinges and clings to me when I drop her off. She has breakfast at the nursery, and we don't have time for anything except num-nums before we leave. If nursery breakfast time comes and I'm still there, the change is remarkable: one minute she's holding on to my leg and sobbing, then one of the nursery attendants says "How about some breakfast, then, Rowan?", she scampers off without a care in the world, and the last I see of her, she's toddling along behind the attendant, solemnly and proudly carrying the breakfast milk!


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## hippylittlej

I am deputy manager of a nursery and we don't have any toddlers that cry when being left on a regular basis. We have two new starters recently both never been in daycare before, one little girl cried while her parents were there and as soon as they left she stopped. She however hasn't cried since and comes in fine without a problem, 2 days a week. One little boy only comes one day a week and he cries on the odd occasion but not for long and he is never crying when parents come to pick him up. I would suggest that you don't let staff know when you are coming to collect him and just turn up. If he is crying again I would question why. 

Children do cry and leaving parents (especially when it is only for a short time) can be hard, but usually if nursery are doing lots of fun stuff then the kids should want to come in and play. Does he appear to have bonded with his keyworker? We have little girl who has been coming for years but she isn't a morning person and cries until handed over for a cuddle and then she stops. If you stay for a while does he sit with you or play? Might be worth seeing what he does when you stay again. If he goes off and plays then he will be fine when you go, if he clings to you then he clearly isn't happy. Nursery maybe fine but he may just not be settling down. 

If you live fairly near by then I would suggest you drop him off, call see how he is and then pop back on the pretex of forgetting to leave his bag or something and see how he is at that point.

We have an open door policy at our nursery and I would have no problem with parents popping by at any point. If the nursery aren't ok with this then I would be taking him out.


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## karlilay

Completley agree with above comment. I worked in a nursery for 5 years, till i had my LOs. I would say one day a week is probably not enough for him to settle properly. If your quite happy paying for one full day, why not split the day into two morning/afternoon sessions. so he is going more often... A week is along time in a babys eyes :)
Iv seen children that come every day scream blue murder at the door and be clingy to their parents, and its just for show as soon as they go, they settle down and no more tears. I would have a word with his keyworker, maybe send a special toy with him from home to comfort him if he gets upset, and just have a talk with her about his favourite songs/toys... whatever would make the transition from you to her in the mornings easier. We had a special Thomas The Tank Engine book for one little boy that would come, and he used to come sit with me when he got dropped off and we'd read it together. (I still remember the names of the engines now lol)

Great suggestion is to just turn up unexpected, go pick him up early, and see how he is. The nursery, if it is a good one, will let you in open armed. I hope he settles for you, it must be horrible leaving him crying.. xx


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## Sarah+

Hi Ladies, 

Thanks again for the replies. After we walked past again yesterday and Max pointed again to go in (and hubby was very keen for him to try once more), I decided to give it another shot today. Well.... the crying was worse than ever :-( I stayed half and hour and he apparently only cried for a couple of minutes after, but then cried off and on again for the two hours I was away. One of the ladies was cuddling him when I arrived. I think I'll withdraw him. The purpose of him going was to socialise and to give me a break. He doesn't seem to enjoy it at all now and I dread taking him and worry while he's there, so at this stage, it's not the right choice. 


To answer some of the questions in the replies:

I take him to three groups each week - a music class, a toddler gym class and a library story time. These are great to give him interaction with other toddlers but we're new to our area so don't yet really have friends of his age he we see on a regular basis. I was hoping he might make these at nursery but there seem to be a lot of different kids each time...

I asked about doing one morning and one afternoon over two days but apparently that would mean paying for two full days (which we can't afford). I don't leave him for the full day because I think he would have a lot of trouble napping at the centre and I think a full day is too much at first. 

While the centre staff are nice, I am wondering if perhaps they just give the kids too much 'free play' and not enough planned activities, so M might be getting a little bored and therefore not looking forward to going as a couple of people suggested he should if it was a 'fun place' for him.

'Dropping in' at any time is allowed but it's hard to do a 'surprise visit' and you have to buzz the door and say who you are to get buzzed in.... 


Thanks for all the advice. I think to make it work he'd need to go 2-3 days a week to establish a routine and I think I would look for a centre that offered more structure. Starting at an older age (he's now 19 months) when they are at a clingy phase, also probably wasn't ideal.


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## mama2b

Is there anyway your husband can do drop offs ?

I stopped taking my LO as the crying was getting ridiculous. He has been there since 9months old and most times I do drop off he gets into a complete state. When my OH drops him off he waves goodbye and cracks straight on with playing, no problems whatsoever ! I know that when he does get upset as soon as the door has closed he is fine.

I agree half a day probably isn't enough and even with a couple of days it will still take time for him to settle in. When I picked Lucas up today there was a little boy that was so upset and it was only his second day. I guess its because they are aware of so many things but don't really understand why mummy is leaving them there. You could always try in another 6 months or a years time.

I know 100% that Lucas enjoys nursery as he is always happy when I pick him up and sometimes doesn't want to come home !!! We have had a few problems along the way and it has taken him a while to settle each time he has moved rooms but overall he loves it.


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## Bingers

Phoebe goes to nursery 2 days a week and started in October when she was 1. She cried when I dropped her off until recently and likewise used to cry when she saw me at home time. I knew, however, that she was fine and enjoying herself and to be honest she used to cry when I picked her up from my parents if they had had her for an hour or so! 

I agree that you know whether something is right or not but one thing I found that really helped was not hanging around when I dropped her off as it was not helping her or me! Now we go in and I take her coat off before she happily goes to one of the carers and I give her a kiss goodbye. 

I really recommend nursery as the way she has come on has been fantastic but you do need to give them time to settle and I think it takes longer the older they are! I too was worried about the napping situation but she naps at nursery better than she ever has done at home. I would look at sending him all day to see if that helps particularly as you are already paying for the full day!

I honestly would give it a little longer and beleive what they say about how he is! As my mum said when I was worried about Phoebe the staff would soon let me know if she was really really unhappy as it would be no fun for them and the other children! I know they were honest as they would say if she had been a bit unsettled!

Sending her to nursery has been the best thing for her! She is sociable and learns new things everyday!

Hope this helps but as I said earlier you have to do what you feel is right x


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## m_t_rose

Sarah+ said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> Thanks again for the replies. After we walked past again yesterday and Max pointed again to go in (and hubby was very keen for him to try once more), I decided to give it another shot today. Well.... the crying was worse than ever :-( * I stayed half and hour* and he apparently only cried for a couple of minutes after, but then cried off and on again for the two hours I was away. One of the ladies was cuddling him when I arrived. I think I'll withdraw him. The purpose of him going was to socialise and to give me a break. He doesn't seem to enjoy it at all now and I dread taking him and worry while he's there, so at this stage, it's not the right choice.
> 
> 
> To answer some of the questions in the replies:
> 
> I take him to three groups each week - a music class, a toddler gym class and a library story time. These are great to give him interaction with other toddlers but we're new to our area so don't yet really have friends of his age he we see on a regular basis. I was hoping he might make these at nursery but there seem to be a lot of different kids each time...
> 
> I asked about doing one morning and one afternoon over two days but apparently that would mean paying for two full days (which we can't afford). I don't leave him for the full day because I think he would have a lot of trouble napping at the centre and I think a full day is too much at first.
> 
> While the centre staff are nice, I am wondering if perhaps they just give the kids too much 'free play' and not enough planned activities, so M might be getting a little bored and therefore not looking forward to going as a couple of people suggested he should if it was a 'fun place' for him.
> 
> 'Dropping in' at any time is allowed but it's hard to do a 'surprise visit' and you have to buzz the door and say who you are to get buzzed in....
> 
> 
> Thanks for all the advice. I think to make it work he'd need to go 2-3 days a week to establish a routine and I think I would look for a centre that offered more structure. Starting at an older age (he's now 19 months) when they are at a clingy phase, also probably wasn't ideal.

It might be that your good-byes are too long. I find the kids who settle in the best are the ones who the drop off is quick and efficient one hug and kiss then bye. I don't think kids need to socialize at such a young age either. They don't even start playing together until around 2 so right now it would just be parallel play anyway. Probably it would be best to withdraw him until he is older anyway.


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## CocoaOne

My nursery only takes kids for a minimum of two days a week (either two halfs/ one and a half or two whole days) as they find that it takes the LOs so much longer to settle in if they only attend one day :flower:


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## lesleyann

kyle used to be horrible going in he goes 1 full day a week while im at college my mum has him the other 2, I found the longer my goodbye with him was the more he screamed however these last 4 weeks he has pretty much ran in to the room since and does not want to leave i have to carry him out screaming lol but its taken till now and his been going since september


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## cassysuri2010

My LO goes to a creche on a wednesday from 7 am to 4pm as I work. As soon as I leave her she cries but once im outside I can look through the window for a bit and she perks up. I honestly think staying with them makes it slightly worse. I literally give her kiss and wave goodbye and im gone. I hate it but otherwise shes kicking and screaming etc. They just miss you but with all the toys and attention im sure they are fine during the day without you. Plus its great when their happy to see you when you collect them!


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