# U/S Tech says "Girl" - I'm crushed.



## PeppersCastle

This is my first pregnancy and will be my only child. I've suffered enough with morning sickness, insomnia, headaches, severe depression etc etc 

I just can't do this again. 

I know that at 14 weeks it's not accurate. She did say "don't quote me on that" but it's all I can think of right now and I'm devastated. Truly devastated. 

I don't want a daughter. I don't know why. I just know that I'll never bond with her. This makes me sound like a disgusting human being, and I am a disgusting human being for even admitting it, but I won't *want* to bond with her.

I've been talking to my Dad and his wife trying to find out why I can't stand the thought of having a baby girl. We've come up with a few reasons but none of them seem to have any stick with me. 

I know I'm being overdramatic and there's plenty of people who would LOVE a baby girl. But I have to wait another 6 weeks to find out if I get my son or if I get a daughter. It's only been two days and I'm already jittery and anxious. 

I jut feel like a stupid annoying drama queen for being sad over something I knew was a possibility anyway. 

I just don't want a girl. 

Thanks for reading anyway. x


----------



## Oxygen7880

I'm really sorry that your feeling so upset about possibly having a girl. Have you considered seeing your doctor and maybe getting referred for some counselling etc. It may help you to uncover why you feel so strongly against having a baby girl. I think it could help you to work through the feelings you are having and start to enjoy you pregnancy even if it does turn out to be a girl. 
I have a girl and it's wonderful having a daughter but I know that won't help how you feel right now. :hugs:


----------



## maryanne1987

I agree with pp that in your situation is say speaking to a doctor or midwife is the way forward. It's clearly not a case of the usual gender disappointment and sounds like this runs a lot deeper. I wouldn't leave it as the fact you admit you wouldn't want to bond with her needs addressing sooner rather than later. Doctors aren't there to pass judgement on you but will most likely refer you for some counciling to try and get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do. I really hope you do manage to come to terms with things. Just remember that no matter the sex this baby is yours, and she/he will love you unconditionally. Hope you manage to sort things soon. Good luck.


----------



## PeppersCastle

I started the ball rolling for counselling last week so I'll be getting that appointment through within the next week or two. Hopefully, if it's confirmed to be a girl, I'll feel different.

Thanks for responses :)


----------



## kimmy04

I'm sure you have heard this a lot but I can promise when you meet your baby you will love her. I had a boy first and I really really wanted a girl. I was really young unplanned pregnancy had no idea how to care for a baby and only grew up with sisters. I was terrified of a boy. As soon as he was born it all changed. It's not the same as someone else's boy or girl it is your baby. You will love her and bond with her even if you don't think you will!


----------



## PeppersCastle

Thanks Kimmy, I'm really hoping so.


----------



## minties

This baby is a person, they are more than just a set of genitals. They will love you with all their heart, and need you like a tree needs the sun. 

How is your relationship with your own mum? I see you mentioned talking to your dad and his wife but not your own mother.


----------



## PeppersCastle

Minties - My relationship with my mother is now non-existant. She happily admits that she never loved me, wishes she'd aborted me, should've suffocated me when I was a baby. She was physically and mentally abusive. I'm not exactly full of confidence so when she told me I'd be a useless parent and my child would hate me for it... I believed her.


I'm hoping when I get to my counselling appointment I can talk this through with the counsellor and get a solution. I know, *if* it's a girl, I would love my daughter. I know I can't associate what happened to me with my daughter so that'll be something I ask my counsellor/therapist to help me with above all else. 

Thanks for responses.


----------



## lau86

Huge :hugs: from what you've said this is about much more than your babies gender. I think the counselling will really help. You will love your girly and she will love you. Don't worry x


----------



## pompeyvix

PeppersCastle said:


> Minties - My relationship with my mother is now non-existant. She happily admits that she never loved me, wishes she'd aborted me, should've suffocated me when I was a baby. She was physically and mentally abusive. I'm not exactly full of confidence so when she told me I'd be a useless parent and my child would hate me for it... I believed her.
> 
> 
> I'm hoping when I get to my counselling appointment I can talk this through with the counsellor and get a solution. I know, *if* it's a girl, I would love my daughter. I know I can't associate what happened to me with my daughter so that'll be something I ask my counsellor/therapist to help me with above all else.
> 
> Thanks for responses.

That is so awful, no wonder you are feeling how you are :hugs: I am so sorry you had a mother like that :(

I don't have the best relationship with my mum (nothing like how you described) but I am now enjoying the relationship with my own daughter in a way I never did and never will with my mum. I am so incredibly close to my girl and I love her in ways I never thought possible. I want to bring her up differently to how I was and I just adore life with her. I had slight gender disappointment when I found out the next one is going to be a boy, as I wanted another girl for both me and my daughter who wanted a sister.

I think counselling is vital for you to understand and come to terms with your feelings before she is born.


----------



## PeppersCastle

Hi everyone,

I want to first say thank you for the responses. I'm really glad there's a place for me to talk about things like this without being judged. I think it's really helping me and getting opinions and reading other peoples struggles is only raising my confidence in the fact that I'm not alone and my own issues are something I can fix and work on/through. 

I am still slightly disappointed the baby may be a girl but it's not as bad as when I initially found out. I think my relationship with my mother, her hatred of me, and the upbringing I had because of it will be a constant cause of anxiety for me, especially when it comes to my own child. I'm scared of failing. My mother has been thrown out of my life, for the safety of my baby, and I have no intention of allowing her near any of us. Not my child, not me, not even my dog. She's been made aware that any attempt to contact us will be recorded and forwarded to the police. I do NOT want her near my baby. 

Although slightly disappointed, there is a chance the anatomy scan will show us a boy, but in fairness I just want a healthy baby. Really I don't care too much about what gender it is, it's not going to be treated any differently regardless if it's a boy or a girl, I just want a healthy happy baby. I've been writing down a lot of my own thoughts/anxieties/fears in preparation for counselling and I should get the appt through very soon.

Again, thanks for replies and the hugs and stuff. I'm extremely grateful, and I hope everyone is doing good x


----------



## 2nd time

I just read through your thread what an amazing strong and insiteful woman you are. You are not a bad human for feeling like this your an honest amazing person for speaking about it and seeking help. After a traumatic childhood pregnancy is bound to bring questions and worries for you. And to be addressing things early your in the best place for a happy future.


----------



## pompeyvix

I know it's easy for me to say as I am not in your position, but try and see this as opportunity to break the unhealthy cycle you had with your mum, with your daughter (if baby ends up a she). Just because you have been emotionally and physcially abused, it can end there. You can ensure you have a healthy, positive relationship with your daughter growing up, creating your own special traditions and bonding in a way you never could with your mum :hugs:


----------



## PeppersCastle

Thank you both :) 

If I end up having a daughter, the full intention is to break the cycle, she'll be extremely loved. Only four weeks til I find out! xx


----------



## laura11111

This thread made me tear up. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are well on your way to sorting things out. You're going to be a great mom to a son or daughter:)


----------



## PeppersCastle

Thank you so much :)


----------



## cnsweeney

I just wanted to say that with my first I prayed for a boy . I also did not want a girl at all. Granted , I didn't feel like I could never bond with her and I agree with the others that counseling would make you feel so much better and sort this out I'm sure .. but I also have a bad relationship with my mother so maybe that's why some of us have a hard time thinking about life with a daughter .. but i just knew I was carrying a girl . I was only 18 and maybe that's another reason it was hard to think of raising a daughter . Girls in my head would be much harder to raise up than boys .. I guess I didn't feel I could fill the role like I should . But let me just tell you .. when they said ITS A GIRL.. all of these feelings went away . Shopping helps . Buying her clothes and toys . Giving her a name . It all helps and I immediately became thrilled . 7 years later life is better than I could have ever imagined and she has a beautiful little sister now and while we do still plan to try for a boy , it's only to try to balance out the hormones in this house ! Haha good luck to you dear .


----------



## DobbyForever

I agree that counseling would be beneficial. You are not your mother. This is your chance to do right by your daughter. It may feel awkward at first, it might hurt seeing yourself bond with her when your mom didn't bond with you, but you will love her. I'm so sorry again for what your mother put you through. You did not deserve that. My mom is my best friend, and I am sure your daughter will love you and look up to you. But I do think the disappointment comes from your experience with your mom and until you sort through those emotions you won't be able to enjoy your pregnancy. Biggest biggest hugs


----------



## DobbyForever

Just saw that you are feeling better. Hopefully once you start nesting and doing all the pre birth stuff, you'll feel even more connected :)


----------



## PeppersCastle

Thank you everyone! Counselling starts properly on the 26th of October and the week after we should be finding out the gender - I'm feeling infinitely better about the possibility although I still have bad moments - I'm definitely NOT my mother and will do my best should my baby be a girl or a boy, they will be loved and they will not be growing up anything close to how myself and my siblings did - thank you everyone for your kind words and, again, I really appreciate just how non-judgemental people are on this forum. It really helped to have a place to verbally cry about this and I really think having the opinion, truth-bombs, and support of others helped get me on the right track. 

Again, thank you so much!


----------



## cnsweeney

You're welcome ! Keep us updated with how you're doing :)


----------



## Jessicahide

I read you first post about your mother, i don;t know if this has already been said or not. Pregnancy is a very charged time, and allows us to feel things that we don't normally allow ourselves to feel and explore, such as abusive childhoods like your own. I think rather than this being about your little girl, its more likely about the struggle and rejection you have suffered at the hands of your mother, i am so glad you are taking up counselling, i hope that through the rest of your pregnancy you can use your counselling to address the real issues you have and grow as a person. 

I can tell from your post that you do love your child, but you fear becoming your mother or your daughter being like her, trust me neither you or your dd will be anything like her. I think you are feeling overprotection xx 

Sorry if this is old ground, i have not yet read all the thread but i will be after i post this to you xx


----------



## PeppersCastle

You're all very sweet and thank you so much for the support. I got my anomaly scan date through today - 25th of October so in a week we will find out if we have a baby girl or a baby boy - you're right, I am overprotective of my child, I look back at my first post and my claim of how I don't want to bond with my child if it is a girl and I'm slightly disgusted at myself for saying it and, as bad as it sounds, for meaning it at the time..

I love my baby and want him or her to have the best life I could possibly give it and I will do my best to give it what it needs. I will update with the gender - thank you so much :)


----------



## Jessicahide

PeppersCastle said:


> You're all very sweet and thank you so much for the support. I got my anomaly scan date through today - 25th of October so in a week we will find out if we have a baby girl or a baby boy - you're right, I am overprotective of my child, I look back at my first post and my claim of how I don't want to bond with my child if it is a girl and I'm slightly disgusted at myself for saying it and, as bad as it sounds, for meaning it at the time..
> 
> I love my baby and want him or her to have the best life I could possibly give it and I will do my best to give it what it needs. I will update with the gender - thank you so much :)



Don't feel disgusted, it was a grieving process, not grieving because of gd, but for yourself and your past xxx It's a difficult time full of all sorts of emotions, dreams and fears x you are doing great, can't wait to hear what you are having xxx


----------



## jtink28

i agree with pp. pregnancy is such an emotionally charged time. you're not just having a baby like many people think - you're becoming a MOTHER, and that's a huge huge thing. 

i have two boys, and always thought i wanted a girl. i'm done having babies, so my 2 boys are it for me, and i'm SO SO happy to have my little baby boys. no matter what the gender, you'll feel the same. i grew up with an abusive stepmother who sounds like your mother, and becoming a mother for the first time was very very scary for me. but it's the best thing on earth. 

hugs! can't wait to hear your update!


----------



## Jessicahide

Only a few days to go until you find out, how are you feeling xxx


----------



## PeppersCastle

We actually found out today as we managed to get the scan moved forward :D - 

Baby is a girl! So we have a Nova Jean on the way. I'm definitely feeling much better about it. The only problem with her is that she has bilateral talipes (clubfeet) and we're not sure of the severity yet. Neither I nor her father have clubfeet in the family, her spine and brain are perfect, and she can move her legs, so it's looking like it's just "happened" but it's fixable :) 

I am so in love with my baby girl already. Honestly feel so much better. Maybe this is what I needed? I can't believe I didn't want her. Even if it was a for a few days. I can't wait to get her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.


----------



## maryanne1987

Congratulations on your baby girl!! So lovely to hear your feeling better. She sound like she will have a fantastic mummy :)


----------



## Jessicahide

PeppersCastle said:


> We actually found out today as we managed to get the scan moved forward :D -
> 
> Baby is a girl! So we have a Nova Jean on the way. I'm definitely feeling much better about it. The only problem with her is that she has bilateral talipes (clubfeet) and we're not sure of the severity yet. Neither I nor her father have clubfeet in the family, her spine and brain are perfect, and she can move her legs, so it's looking like it's just "happened" but it's fixable :)
> 
> I am so in love with my baby girl already. Honestly feel so much better. Maybe this is what I needed? I can't believe I didn't want her. Even if it was a for a few days. I can't wait to get her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.

Oh that is such great news so happy for you mummy, not sure what the club feet entail or the impact they have but i am sure everything will be great xxxxxxx


----------



## Jessicahide

Jessicahide said:


> PeppersCastle said:
> 
> 
> We actually found out today as we managed to get the scan moved forward :D -
> 
> Baby is a girl! So we have a Nova Jean on the way. I'm definitely feeling much better about it. The only problem with her is that she has bilateral talipes (clubfeet) and we're not sure of the severity yet. Neither I nor her father have clubfeet in the family, her spine and brain are perfect, and she can move her legs, so it's looking like it's just "happened" but it's fixable :)
> 
> I am so in love with my baby girl already. Honestly feel so much better. Maybe this is what I needed? I can't believe I didn't want her. Even if it was a for a few days. I can't wait to get her in my arms and tell her how much I love her.
> 
> Oh that is such great news so happy for you mummy, not sure what the club feet entail or the impact they have but i am sure everything will be great xxxxxxxClick to expand...

Just read up and apparently super common and easy to treat xxx


----------



## PeppersCastle

Thanks everyone! 

It is common and easy to treat, hopefully she just has a mild form, the sonographer had gone over Nova a few times and even measured her legs before she noticed there was something wrong, so I'm hoping it's mild and won't need casts or surgery. But we'll get through it even if she does :)

I can't fault the support I've had from this forum. Thank you ladies so much. You are all wonderful. x


----------



## Jessicahide

PeppersCastle said:


> Thanks everyone!
> 
> It is common and easy to treat, hopefully she just has a mild form, the sonographer had gone over Nova a few times and even measured her legs before she noticed there was something wrong, so I'm hoping it's mild and won't need casts or surgery. But we'll get through it even if she does :)
> 
> I can't fault the support I've had from this forum. Thank you ladies so much. You are all wonderful. x


<3


----------



## DobbyForever

Congratulations! I agree with everyone there is nothing to regret or feel disgusted. I read an interesting article the other day about the parenting truths nobody ever talks about. Totally natural. I am so happy you are excited about your little girl. :). A few of my friends told. E they had club feet and I really did not see the difference/it never seemed to slow them down.


----------



## cnsweeney

Congrats ! & yes , don't worry about the club feet thing .. one of this minor treatable things :) I am so glad you are feeling better .. don't beat yourself up .. there is def. such a thing as gender disappointment and so many women experience it at one point or another and get over it and wonder why they ever felt that way . You aren't alone ! I'm so happy for you and your precious Nova :)


----------



## Sasha92

PeppersCastle said:


> I don't want a daughter. I don't know why. I just know that I'll never bond with her. This makes me sound like a disgusting human being, and I am a disgusting human being for even admitting it, but I won't *want* to bond with her.
> 
> I just don't want a girl.

When my sister first found out she was expecting she wanted a boy so badly. My sister is the biggest tomboy you will ever meet she is also bisexual so she just didn't want a girl, didn't think she could connect with one etc.. when she found out she wass having a girl she spent the WHOLE pregnancy in tears. Crying everyday she was in bits. 

My niece is now 5 and the biggest girly girly you could think of she loves pink and frozen and skipping she's just amazing and my sister always says she can't imagine having a little boy now. I know it's hard to stop wanting what you want.. I personally want a girl and know I'll be devastated to find out it's a boy but hopefully if your worst fear comes true you will be ok xx


----------

