# some day :) fostering?



## RedRose19

ive decided I would love to foster children.. and have a home for some child in need of help.. it warms my heart at the thought.. i know right now me and oh prob couldnt as were prob too young and not married yet and you have to have so many rooms available..

i was just wondering people who have/do foster would maybe give me the pros and cons about it?? :flower:

im think prob in the next 2 years ill be putting this into affect :thumbup:


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## CareBear

Can't help too much with your question but me and DH are thinking of fostering in a couple of years too, I would love to take pre-school children, and maybe early age children and prepare them for moving onto adoption. I meet a lot of foster carers in my current job and realised what an important job, although hard, that they do that I'd love to do it as well.

Just for info, you don't have to be married to be a foster carer, just thought I'd say!


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## Dinoslass

We only foster children during the holidays.
I love it. I think it is wonderful to give a child a place where he/she knows it is loved and taken care of, not on a professional basis like in a home but because she/he is wanted here. I love children and one of the best things is to see a child change from a shy uninterested pale child into a laughing happy loving one.
The importance of having a family who is there for you and let you be who you are is huge.
Of course there are some cons. You deal with children who all have some baggage, however small they are. Bonding is a big issue and not always easy to deal with. The natural bonding between a parent and child usually is not there, and because you act out of normal bonding with a child it is sometimes difficult. We have had children who lack in development on an emotional basis, who are scared of human contact and all sorts. So no, it is not always easy, but like with every child you learn about them and how to deal with them every day. 
And the happy times you get back are wonderful, as is the knowledge that you are the one helping this child to turn into a more stabile adult.
And in general every day life it is just having another child in your life, that you love!


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## fluffosaur

I work as a fostering social worker so feel free to ask me any questions. :)


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## RedRose19

awww thanks :)do you have to be earning alot before you can do it? im trying to figure out all the things which could stop me being able to foster so i can use this year to sort them out if that makes sense


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## fluffosaur

Absolutely not. A lot of our fosterers claim benefits and don't have full time jobs. We almost prefer it if you're not working full time so can dedicate 100% time to being a foster carer.

Pretty much anybody can foster unless you've got a schedule 1 offence (against a child).


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## RedRose19

also im only 19.. would that affect it too? i know my uncle and aunt used to foster from another country.. im living in ireland.. so maybe its different :shrug:

at the moment im a care assistant.. but im living in a shared house so im gonna have to wait a year so i can get my own place and something big enough.. 
and also (sorry for all the questions :blush: ) can you pick the age group ?


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## EmyDra

My family applied to become foster parents but it was two years down the line before it really got anywhere.

They were all approved and the rest of it, but because it took so long my Mum starting working part time to sustain the family. We agreed that because of the ages of myself and my brother (15 and 17) we could only have young children up to about 6 or so, we also could only do weekend respite due to my mum working.

The only children we were ever offered were eight year old twin boys with ADHD and bed wetting, which would need full time care which of course we couldn't do. We thought that was throwing us in at the deep end really - having never had a foster child before.

Eventually 10 year old Ciara came to stay with us (wrong age group again and also full time) but despite this we relished her time with her and loved her like part of our family. It was a bit difficult since when mum was at work I had to be with her a lot - because of her history she couldnt be left alone with my Dad or my Brother.
There was a few incidences, like the fact that she had a menstual cycle and no one had told us, which was obviously really embaressing for her to talk about (she used to hide dirty pants etc) and when she first moved in she cut herself on her finger with her shaving razor, probably out of protest since she had just been split up from her sister - but that was ok.

There was an incident where her taxi had dropped her at the school and she'd run off and the police got all involved and everything, it was her 11th birthday and she'd ran off with a man in his 30s whom she had some sort of history with. Complete shock to us, policemen going though her things trying to figure ut what had happened. She was found two days later with cuts and bruises and our social worker was very apoligetic and said that we could have her moved to another home if we wanted.

We didn't want her moved at all. Despite this we knew her now and she was happy and settled and we worried about her, of course we wanted her back!

There was another issue to do with the whole Catholic/Protestant thing also - the social workers didn't like her being placed with a protestant family because she was from a catholic family. We obviously didn't dismiss her beliefs or anything and supported her when she had her conformation. During the court case surrounding her disappearance and the (I presume) sentencing of the man, her parents actually commented to say that they were very happy their daughter be with us as we seemed like a nice family.

Then one day, after Ciara had been with us nearly six months, our social worker showed up and annouced they were moving her. From our large detached house where she had her own room, to a small semi with three other foster kids even further away from her school! Their reasoning: They wanted to move her to a Catholic family.

After that we were offered one other child some year or so later, but due to circumstances had to turn them down and simply because we were never offered any children under the age of eight or so, and ones that needed full-time care, gradually my parents have retreated from foster care and have found generally to have had a rather negative exprience with it.

So there is my honest story and opinions of fostering, its sounds great on paper and I really encourged my parents to sign up and tried to do my bit...but ti doesn't always run smoothly, who knows where they place the younger children - if they had done so my mother would have happily given up her job (that had been the original plan) to foster full time.


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## fluffosaur

You need to be at least 21 before you can foster. You can still attend an information evening though and get all of the advice you need before you begin.


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## cocokitten

EmyDra said:


> My family applied to become foster parents but it was two years down the line before it really got anywhere.
> 
> They were all approved and the rest of it, but because it took so long my Mum starting working part time to sustain the family. We agreed that because of the ages of myself and my brother (15 and 17) we could only have young children up to about 6 or so, we also could only do weekend respite due to my mum working.
> 
> The only children we were ever offered were eight year old twin boys with ADHD and bed wetting, which would need full time care which of course we couldn't do. We thought that was throwing us in at the deep end really - having never had a foster child before.
> 
> Eventually 10 year old Ciara came to stay with us (wrong age group again and also full time) but despite this we relished her time with her and loved her like part of our family. It was a bit difficult since when mum was at work I had to be with her a lot - because of her history she couldnt be left alone with my Dad or my Brother.
> There was a few incidences, like the fact that she had a menstual cycle and no one had told us, which was obviously really embaressing for her to talk about (she used to hide dirty pants etc) and when she first moved in she cut herself on her finger with her shaving razor, probably out of protest since she had just been split up from her sister - but that was ok.
> 
> There was an incident where her taxi had dropped her at the school and she'd run off and the police got all involved and everything, it was her 11th birthday and she'd ran off with a man in his 30s whom she had some sort of history with. Complete shock to us, policemen going though her things trying to figure ut what had happened. She was found two days later with cuts and bruises and our social worker was very apoligetic and said that we could have her moved to another home if we wanted.
> 
> We didn't want her moved at all. Despite this we knew her now and she was happy and settled and we worried about her, of course we wanted her back!
> 
> There was another issue to do with the whole Catholic/Protestant thing also - the social workers didn't like her being placed with a protestant family because she was from a catholic family. We obviously didn't dismiss her beliefs or anything and supported her when she had her conformation. During the court case surrounding her disappearance and the (I presume) sentencing of the man, her parents actually commented to say that they were very happy their daughter be with us as we seemed like a nice family.
> 
> Then one day, after Ciara had been with us nearly six months, our social worker showed up and annouced they were moving her. From our large detached house where she had her own room, to a small semi with three other foster kids even further away from her school! Their reasoning: They wanted to move her to a Catholic family.
> 
> After that we were offered one other child some year or so later, but due to circumstances had to turn them down and simply because we were never offered any children under the age of eight or so, and ones that needed full-time care, gradually my parents have retreated from foster care and have found generally to have had a rather negative exprience with it.
> 
> So there is my honest story and opinions of fostering, its sounds great on paper and I really encourged my parents to sign up and tried to do my bit...but ti doesn't always run smoothly, who knows where they place the younger children - if they had done so my mother would have happily given up her job (that had been the original plan) to foster full time.

its so interesting to hear peoples experiences of foster care/adoption

All local council/government funded companies seem to be a joke, the way your family were treated doesnt really suprise me, its exactly the same in England.
There was a show on TV lately, dispatches that went undercover to look at social workers and it was pretty horrific, a couple wanted to do a good job, but most were just lazy and did'nt want to work at all.

if they had to function like a proper business relying on profit i bet we'd see a massive difference in the state of the local council/nhs/social workers etc, they might actually be made to get on with some work! :wacko:


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## RedRose19

i want to do it to help children that dont have a home, not make a profit out of it


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## cocokitten

haha no! you misinterpretted completely what i said. christ no i didnt mean that.

I meant after watching dispatches and things about the NHS the people who work for these places (like social workers) seem to be soo lazy compared to people who work for say a shop or whatever, a business that relies on profit.

Because local councils etc are just handed money. so the staff don't have to work to keep their jobs.

They just seem so complacent.

Gawd im mortified you thought i meant that!!


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## CareBear

I saw that dispatches as well and was horrifed, the only thing I could take away from it was that not all social service departments are like that and I'm so pleased to work for a council that isn't like that! Well not from the little I've seen anyway!


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## cocokitten

CareBear said:


> I saw that dispatches as well and was horrifed, the only thing I could take away from it was that not all social service departments are like that and I'm so pleased to work for a council that isn't like that! Well not from the little I've seen anyway!

yeah, of course not all are like that, it was just awful to see the ones that were. like that woman who preffered to sit at her desk than go and see children.

and that woman who had just started and was talking to the reporter about how most of them seemed to prefer paperwork or anything to actually doing visits, just awful :cry:


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## EmyDra

cocokitten said:


> its so interesting to hear peoples experiences of foster care/adoption
> 
> All local council/government funded companies seem to be a joke, the way your family were treated doesnt really suprise me, its exactly the same in England.
> There was a show on TV lately, dispatches that went undercover to look at social workers and it was pretty horrific, a couple wanted to do a good job, but most were just lazy and did'nt want to work at all.
> 
> if they had to function like a proper business relying on profit i bet we'd see a massive difference in the state of the local council/nhs/social workers etc, they might actually be made to get on with some work! :wacko:

I couldn't agree more, and its such a shame when there are people out there with the hearts and homes for fostering, yet everything falls flat on its face.


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## RedRose19

cocokitten said:


> haha no! you misinterpretted completely what i said. christ no i didnt mean that.
> 
> I meant after watching dispatches and things about the NHS the people who work for these places (like social workers) seem to be soo lazy compared to people who work for say a shop or whatever, a business that relies on profit.
> 
> Because local councils etc are just handed money. so the staff don't have to work to keep their jobs.
> 
> They just seem so complacent.
> 
> Gawd im mortified you thought i meant that!!

sorry hun :blush: i got it completely wrong.. having a thick day i think :rofl:

thats just awful.. why go into that job if you dont wanna help people :wacko:
i mean i know its prob stressful but still thats just horrid..


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## sophxx

id love to foster to one day not sure oh would agree though! x


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## EmyDra

cocokitten said:


> CareBear said:
> 
> 
> I saw that dispatches as well and was horrifed, the only thing I could take away from it was that not all social service departments are like that and I'm so pleased to work for a council that isn't like that! Well not from the little I've seen anyway!
> 
> yeah, of course not all are like that, it was just awful to see the ones that were. like that woman who preffered to sit at her desk than go and see children.
> 
> and that woman who had just started and was talking to the reporter about how most of them seemed to prefer paperwork or anything to actually doing visits, just awful :cry:Click to expand...

I think I'll go and watch this now, sounds quite upsetting really. I'm in two minds about private healthcare/fostering etc. I think the problem would just be solved so easily if we worked for the things we take for granted and appreciated how brilliant they are. So what if you wait in A&E for 6 hours, its free! Even if time *was* money it'd cost you more than that!


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## Titi

Hi all-
I may be interested in fostering. DH & I are 34 & 36, and have not been able to conceive our own child yet. DH wants to wait until we are at least 40 to think about adoption, as we have only been trying 1.5 years. 
I had wanted to possibly adopt in the meantime, but knew nothing about it and reading some posts in another thread by fluffosaur I realize I am not yet anywhere close to being able to stop ttc-for a while at least-or give up hope of my own child, which it never did cross my mind was so important to be an adoptive parent. I always thought I guess adopting was kinda supplemental-I guess you see the media-Angelina adpoting and giving birth at same time.
Anyway-is fostering the same? Should I not foster if I am still dreaming of my own baby? Or is a wonderful kind caring thing to do in the meantime? DH and I are done with "ourself" time-we really feel the need to do something helpful with out time.
Thanks!


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## noshowjo

hi ya i am a foster carer and have been for almost 2.1/2 years i have 2 children placed with me age 4 and 8 . siblings . i would say my oppinions of fostering are . its a fantastic job , very rewarding , but its the hardest job inthe world , its so emotionaly draining . i started of as a resbite foster carer , then got the girls short term . 2 years on still with me . and soon to be decided if they are to stay with me long term untill adults , the job is so draining tho . as although we know 99% that they will remain with us , it all lies with a judge and we have herd of decisions of the judge to completly throw a spanner in the works and call for the children to be put up for adoption with family waiting . or reunite with bio mum . and in this case we believe reuniting is not the right decision . its so hard to not fall in love with children who live with you and you have got to be super strong incase they are taken away after years of being with u , my own children love there foster sisters very much and they all get on like a house on fire , but we have had placements that have clashed with our own kids and made things very hard , i am lucky to have 4 fantastic children , but i believe, with out blowing my own trumpet that that is down to me , because believe me they dont come shiny , smiling , and full of thankyou s and can i please . ha ha oh no ! most come upset , fret full, with attathment issues , and could buy and sell u in a day . so all i would say is , if you got the time , patience , and are super strong emotionaly go for it . if not and u think u would struggle with any thing i just said then have a big think first . xxx hope this heelps a little x


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## Sinead

My mum and dad foster and have done for the last 18 years and plan to do so for at least another 5. 

We have had numerous children through the doors, it can be heartbreaking and rewarding at the same time, a couple of long term girls are now grown up and regard my family as theirs, to the point they have changed their names and are totally my sisters. Another still visits on a regular basis. 

Some of the short term younger children have been returned to their parents, another has been adopted and the 2 she has now are currently nearing the end of their adoption process, so should be placed by the end of the summer. 

The only thing my dad would say is don't expect it all to be wonderful, as you will be disappointed, but its a great experience. 

During the majority of the time my mum fostered she worked full-time (nights), although now she no longer does so.


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## TattiesMum

fluffosaur said:


> I work as a fostering social worker so feel free to ask me any questions. :)

Now that my own children are grown and I only have one left at home, we are seriously considering fostering. I have a close friend who fosters mainly parents and babies on temporary placements and a neighbour who has two long term foster children from different families, so we have a pretty good idea of the commitment involved both in care and paperwork etc. 

Before we start the application process though it would be really helpful if you could give us some initial feedback on whether our circumstances would be acceptable:

We have been married for 10 years, together for 14. I have 3 children from my first marriage - two of whom (aged 21 and 19 respectively) no longer live at home. The youngest is a 17 year old boy who is still in full time education and who lives with us. I have always worked full time and my husband, who is the children's stepfather, was the stay at home parent from 13 years ago - when the youngest was 4. He is fully CRB checked incidentally.

We would like to keep this arrangement with a foster child - DH being the full time carer with me as a working mother .... I know that there are obviously a great many other factors that will be considered but, in principle, would that be acceptable?

Thank you so much for offering to advise :D :hugs:


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## QuintinsMommy

^ just lurking :/ but you would be a wonder foster parent <3


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## TattiesMum

Awww - Thanks Rome :hugs:

We are interested in taking older children - from 11 upwards - as teens are so hard to place because they are often so challenging, and maybe parent & child placements. We figure that we survived our own teens, who were hardly easy LOL, and so we have realistic expectations and a lot to offer, and of course we've had the experience of parenting a teen Mum :D

Our 3 are really enthusiastic about the idea which is fab - even though the girls don't live at home any more they are often here *and * have friends who have foster 'siblings' so they are realistic about the challenges too :happydance:


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## caRISSasBump

was a foster child from the age of 9 till i was 17- happy to answer any questions & to give you a point of view from someone who has been fostered. :)


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