# Attitude to scans - warning rant!



## Lol78

I'm so fed up with seeing posts about anomoly scans where the main focus appears to be finding out the sex of the baby. Does it not ever cross these peoples minds that that is NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT!!!

I know it's nice to get excited about finding out, but seriously it seems like some people and so damn unaware that the sex is the least important thing and not the purpose. They don't even consider that they may go and something could be seriously wrong. I would love to be so blissfully ignorant. 

I think I'm just annoyed there doesn't seem to be any appeciation that they have a healthy baby - it's just taken for granted. 

Sorry for rant, I've just had a bad day and this is really beginning to bug me.


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## Hoolie

So would I. Oh to be excited by the prospectof a sacn again and not filled with fear.

Alex


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## Mrs Doddy

maybe they do realise just don't want to focus on the other reasons as it worries them perphaps ??? I don't know just a thought. 

Every scan is important in my mind and will be worried before each one that all is ok with the baby and that it is healthy, finding out the sex will be great tho.


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## Lawa

To before most people would never imagine anything go wrong. 

Like all us girls no the excitement goes to fear :/


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## Lol78

Really? Are people that naieve that they don't even think about it? I find that staggering. I certainly did, even before what happened. 

What do they think the word anomoly means? I don't know why it's annoying me so much but it just is. I see it all the time and I want to scream at them that it's not important. What's important is that your baby is healthy but they don't even mention it half the time. I guess I'm probably just wishing it was me.


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## Mrs Doddy

I think it's hard when we have suffered xxxxx


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## Lol78

You're probably right. I guess I just wish people could really appreciate how lucky they are rather than just seeming to take it so much for granted. But then you don't know that until you know what it's like to loose something so special.


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## haylie_bbz

im sorry to hear you think everyone only goes on about the gender as they dont care whether the baby is healthy or not but in my case that certainly isnt the way things are. i choose not to think about whether something could be wrong with my child and distract myself by hoping i could find out the gender of my baby at that particular scan. there is always that worry in the back of my mind that something could be wrong but am i wrong for trying not to get myself worked up about it? i hope things go well for all of you in the future and sorry to hear about your suffering i know how it feels to have lost. i hope i havent offended anybody in anyway sorry in advance if i have


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## AP

I have to agree with the original poster. Obviously it doesnt apply to everyone but it upsets me too. I see a lot of threads too, even one that asked if that they couldnt tell the gender, could she get rescanned :dohh:


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## lauralora

I think its only the people who have sufferd a loss that are truely aware of how wrong things could be at a scan. 

If id not have misscarried i would have gone through that pregnancy jumping with excitement at the prospect of every scan, because untill bad things happend to me, i never really focussed on the negative side of pregnancy. i just took for granted that i WOULD have a healthy pregnancy with a baby at the end of it, how wrong was i!

worrying does no1 any good though, i think its nice some ladies still have that innonence about there pregnancies 

xx


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## Jellyt

I totally agree. I get really annoyed when say things like "We're finding out the sex today" and nothing else like that's the purpose of the scan. I think it is different for us ladies who've had losses and had pregnancies go wrong. I know i've been a wreck at every scan and finding out the sex at the end of our scan was a nice surprise but certainly not the purpose!


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## OmiOmen

I have to admit I was really happy to be able to find out the gender but I totally agree with you because the fear before going in the room for me and my husband was awful. I think one of the main reasons is because of having had bad scans in the past though and the idea that something could be wrong is a lot closer to home. I would not mind if the NHS did not tell anyone the gender though because like you say that is not what it is about and if your really want to know you can just get a privet one for about £25. I also can not see why people complain about paying for photos since that really is not the point of the scan it is to check everything is ok. Even the person doing my scan said that for 90% of the people who go for their abnormality scan they only think it is about the gender!


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## Lol78

Jellyt said:


> I totally agree. I get really annoyed when say things like "We're finding out the sex today" and nothing else like that's the purpose of the scan.

Yes, THAT is what I'm talking about. I understand that people are going to be excited to fnd out the sex, but it's just that absolute denial of the true purpose of the scan that gets me.


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## Lol78

haylie_bbz said:


> im sorry to hear you think everyone only goes on about the gender as they dont care whether the baby is healthy or not but in my case that certainly isnt the way things are. i choose not to think about whether something could be wrong with my child and distract myself by hoping i could find out the gender of my baby at that particular scan. there is always that worry in the back of my mind that something could be wrong but am i wrong for trying not to get myself worked up about it? i hope things go well for all of you in the future and sorry to hear about your suffering i know how it feels to have lost. i hope i havent offended anybody in anyway sorry in advance if i have

You've certainly not offended me and it's a perfectly valid point. 

I don't think "everyone" only goes on only about the gender, I only mean that there are a few who seem to treat it as a sex determination scan with no thought to the real reason for it. I know there are many people who post the gender and I'm always happy to find out what people are having and excited for them. In fact, I'll probably do the same myself if I'm lucky enough to get that far again. 

If you are able to concentrate on the positives, that's a really great way to be. :hugs:


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## bky

I was mainly worried my baby was still alive in there. I felt like all the kicks I had been feeling were delusions and nothing was comforting, so I understand where you are coming from. However, if that's what people want to focus on (I can't imagine they DON'T have a niggling worry in their heads somewhere, no matter their previous experiences), I'm all for letting them. It's also just exciting to see the baby again (I wish we could have a window installed, seriously :rofl:), but people don't often focus on that so much either. :shrug:


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## Saranna80

I probably shouldn't have read this thread - especially as you warned us it's a rant. 
That said, I think your comments are incredibly unfair on people that are excited about their 20-week scan for whatever reason.
Everyone that goes for their anomoly scan of course knows the real reason they're going but it's nice to be naive, it's nice not to have to worry all the time, and I, for one, am happy for those that can go to their scans without feeling nervous. 
I was lucky enough with my first pregnancy to be naive and happier than I ever thought possible. I didn't know anyone else that was pregnant, I wasn't involved in any forums like this one, I was completely BLISSFULLY unaware of the many, many complications that can arise during pregnancy and after. I wish I still had that naivety now and could enjoy this pregnancy without losing sleep wondering and worrying if everything is going to be alright.
The main reason this thread has made me write such a lengthy (and perhaps unpopular) response is because I can't forget that some of the women that you are having a go at may walk away from their anomoly scan with bad news. They may blame themselves that it's happened because they "took a healthy pregnancy for granted" or "were over-interested in the sex of the baby" and judgmental threads like this would probably serve to make a terribly upset woman feel even worse.
I feel sad that I've written such a lenthy reply but feel so strongly about the judgmental nature of this thread that I HAD to say something. Think about the ladies that you are upsetting. Think about the people that came onto this area to pluck up the courage and talk to somone about their loss and have been made to feel worse and like they can't talk to anyone due to the nature of this thread.
My response isn't intended to upset any of you - just my opinion.


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## Wobbles

Jellyt said:


> I totally agree. I get really annoyed when say things like "We're finding out the sex today" and nothing else like that's the purpose of the scan. I think it is different for us ladies who've had losses and had pregnancies go wrong. I know i've been a wreck at every scan and finding out the sex at the end of our scan was a nice surprise but certainly not the purpose!

I disagree - It may be that for you personally and of course thats perfectly 'ok' but not everyone thinks exactly the same.

I had a 'rough journey' TTC ...recurrent chemicals and an ectopic which was heartbreaking I never thought I would get there. I spent my whole pregnancy NERVOUS and nervous about every scan and YES of course I was relieved she was ok but I focused on looking forward to finding out the sex of my much wanted bump because it was positive thinking that he/she would be JUST FINE so it was not only a relief but I was over the moon that I could now call my bump a she I could get excited pick names ...these things I never thought I would do. That doesn't mean I thought it was the only purpose.

We then paid for 2 further private scans I just wanted to see 'she' was ok :happydance: so please people don't judge just because people post that they are excited and would like to know because your just assuming that they are avoiding what the scan is about ...well not everyone and I posted about my sexing scans all excited too that means nothing it doesn't sum me up.


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## AP

Aww I see where you're coming from there Wobbs, just hard to describe I guess - you have a valid point.


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## passengerrach

i agree with saranna and wobbles im sorry you have had a loss and understand that scans are probably terrifying for you but i think this thread is very judgemental and unfair i can only speak for myself but probably a lot of women are the same and we knew at the back of our minds that something may be wrong and that this was the main purpose of the scan but chose to concentrate on the exciting points of seeing our babys again and finding out if they are a girl or a boy what good does it do for us women to worry and get in a state about it before hand why is that so bad that some women try to concentrate on the positives rather than panicking for weeks on end? not looking to argue or anything just wanted to stick up for myself and other women that know that on the outside at least they have mainly concentrated on the sex i hope everything goes well for you hun x


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## Lol78

I'm certainly not going to get into any arguments about this. I was just writing how I was feeling, not meaning to offend. 

I am not criticising anyone who is excited about finding out the gender of their baby - I'm simply saying it upsets me to see so much focus on it when there often *seems *to be little thought given to whether the baby is actually healthy. I guess that doesn't necessarily mean that there actually *is* little thought to that.

This post (like anyones) is very much influenced by past experiences so perhaps it isn't the most unbiased. I was just writing what I am currently feeling but I can see how it could come across as judgemental. Like the title said, I just wanted to vent, but perhaps I should have done that internally. Having said that, I'm clearly not the only person on this forum who feels that way. 

Sorry if I've caused anyone upset, it was not intended.


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## Lexi mummy

oh hun sending you massive :hugs::hugs:

i hate to say it but i was one of those people you are talking about. when we had lexi's 20 week scan all i thought about was how i wanted a boy, when she told me i was having a girl i lost all interest in the scan and i actually was sad enough to cry afterwards because i wanted a boy that much. dh wouldnt look at her scan photos or talk about the pregnancy for a good week. it didnt even enter my thoughts that something could be wrong with baby only thing i was concerned about was the sex :nope: obviously you can imagine the guilt both me and dh felt when we found out lexi had died. my husband thought he had caused her death because for a while he didnt want her anymore. we were both silly and naive, but we still loved her and really the only reason we wanted a boy was because my sister has boys and dh has 3 brothers all we have both ever known is boys i guess. 

i guess a lot of people dont think anything will ever be wrong with their baby. once you have lost a child it makes you see things in such a different light. i too get annoyed with the type of posts you are talking about but then i remember when i was pregnant with lexi the sex was all i could think about. i guess for most women pregnancy is such an exciting time that finding out the sex is just exciting. it should be the same for all of us but its not anymore im afraid x


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## angelstardust

Similarly, I get upset with everyone moaning about being over due. How I would have LOVED to just get to my due date! 

But, for the majority of people, being pregnant is easy and they can quite happily expect to have a healthy baby at the end of it. Worrying about what could happen just doesn't cross their mind, why would it, you plan to go shopping one day with a load of cash you have been given, you don't get in the car and worry about crashing on the way there. 

Those of us who have had a crash will be more likely to get in the car and be frightened right up until we get to the shops and probably think about the airbags a lot. 

I can see where you are coming from, it upsets me also, but in the same sence, I am glad that for most people, pregnancy is easy and they can focus on all the good bits rather than worrying.


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## Tiff

I was definitely excited on finding out the sex of our baby long before it was due, but I definitely didn't disregard what the 20 weeks scans are for. :) I had mine done at 18 weeks, because I was having bad pains and ended up going to the hospital. Since I was close enough to my 20 week scan they decided to do the full one at the hospital, rather than sending me home to wait out the 2 weeks until my regular appt.

I can assure you that my main thought was if my baby was okay, but I was still excited at the prospect of finding out if we were Team Pink or Team Blue. 

Truthfully I don't think that everyone disregards the importance of the scan. :hugs: From your past experiences though I totally understand why you'd be frustrated with it.


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## im_mi

i can completely understand your frustration, lol78. however i dont think that the majority of girls take their babies' health for granted. And even if they did, can you blame them? it would be great to have that level of positivity. I remember when i was pregnant with my first, i went to the doctors and she explained when the tests and scans etc would happen and she made this huge deal about the scans being to check for problems and that theyre not just an opportunity to see the baby, that they are checking for serious health problems etc and i just kinda felt a little bit upset about that. Of course it had gone through my head that something might be wrong, of course i worried about it and first and foremost in my head was the fact that i wanted my baby to be healthy. however, when you are pregnant there is nothing more exciting than preparing for your baby and if you choose to find out the sex, it can be the real high point in your pregnancy. I know i wouldnt begrudge anyone the joy and excitement of that. just because someone doesnt mention in their post that they hope they have a healthy baby doesnt mean they arent thinking about it.


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## Sweetie

I went in for my scan at 19 weeks and I was crying on the way there so scared that baby wouldn't have a heartbeat anymore. It was funny because I wasn't even worried about anything else... 

We did choose to find out the sex. The tech wrote it down for us and we opened it together on Valentines day so we made that day more about baby being a boy and the scan day was about seeing that baby was doing ok. 

Coincidentally we didn't get all the measurements and the tech asked us to come back as she wanted to get us some better pictures


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## madasa

Lol78 said:


> I'm so fed up with seeing posts about anomoly scans where the main focus appears to be finding out the sex of the baby. Does it not ever cross these peoples minds that that is NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT!!!
> 
> I know it's nice to get excited about finding out, but seriously it seems like some people and so damn unaware that the sex is the least important thing and not the purpose. They don't even consider that they may go and something could be seriously wrong. I would love to be so blissfully ignorant.
> 
> I think I'm just annoyed there doesn't seem to be any appeciation that they have a healthy baby - it's just taken for granted.
> 
> Sorry for rant, I've just had a bad day and this is really beginning to bug me.


I didn't take DS to my anomaly scan for that reason: if they had to give us bad news, I didn;t want him there to see me hear it. And I didn't want DH to have t o take him out of the room and leave me to hear the news alone and without support. So I made arrangements for DS. 

It did bug me that everyone assumed I was going to be excited about it and afterwards they asked what did the little one think of seeing his baby bro or sis... All anyone cared about was "what WAS it?" I was thrilled that everything showed up as normal and average and healthy, and didn;t give a monkeys about the gender, everyone else seemed to be the other way round :wacko: I suppose it's different strokes for differrnt folks...


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## scaredmum2be

I actually cant wait for the next scan because i cant wait to see our little one bouncing bout again like it did on the first scan im actually excited to know about the sex of the baby but also to know that theres still a little heartbeat pumping away just to know everything is alright. I think that anyone who has suffered a loss would be very greatful to get great news on the sex of the baby an be lucky they actually get to the next scan.

I never got to see the first scan on my last pregnancy on this pregnancy i did but i more excited to see bubs again.
Of course im scared of possible things could happen to the baby but i wont know until im actually there but i cant go on being scared that something will happen again because all the excitement was sucked out of me on the last pregnancy an its only recently im now 17 weeks that im beginnign to get excited. there cud be a few things wrong with my baby as we speak i wont know until the scan but i try not to think bout it unless i want to sink into depression an i dont need the stress. People shud be tryin to enjoy an make the most of all the scans that they get given through good and bad !! x


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## alysedelovely

for me, I always think the worst so when they tell me something I am so happy and relieved. I guess the innocence has been taken out of all of our pregnancies, but at least we are realistic and therefore cautious.


:hugs: a million hugs to you :)


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## Jellyt

I'm sorry if my comment offended anyone. I'm actually really happy for anyone who can get excited about their scans and I don't assume that just because someone posts excitedly about the sex of their baby that they've not worried about their health and I do see your point wobbles. I'm sorry that you've had a difficult time TTC and I wish everyone here all the luck in the world and if concentrating on the sex helps you get through a worrying time then i'm not one to dispute that, I was just saying how I feel. I guess my comment weas fuelled by someone I personally know who has been a bit insensitive and I probably should have kept my emotions to myself xxx


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## Drazic<3

Personally, some peoples responces to scans confuses me too. Before my 13 week - I kept reading about excitement of girls and they didn't understand why I was nervous. Honestly, rather than resenting them I envied them and still hoped with all my heart that they would never find out the hard way, as many of us have done in a scan room, how things can go wrong - I am sure you feel the same. For me, all I do before scans is wish for a heartbeat. Then I can breathe and take in anything else which may come. 

Of course I want to find out babies gender when I can, but I am much more interested in being told baby is still growing with a healthy heartbeat, then I can process anything else. As long as baby will survive, everything else is very superficial to me but I can understand if you have been hurt, as we have, then the rules of the game change. It feels different and scary. 

Honestly though, I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologise in this thread! It had the rant warning and we all sometimes get upset about different things. Lol said it wasn't aimed at everyone and hell, we are all hormonal! If you need to rant girl go for it, much better than keeping it inside hey? No need for us to fall out about anything :hugs:

Sending love to you all :hugs:


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## Mummy2Asher

i have to admit with my son i never worried at anything, never doubted that he wouldnt come out kicking and screaming and he did, i was so lucky to have the most perfect pregnancy last time.
for me i knew the 20 week scan would be okay becuase i was getting so many kicks and punches but then i didnt think about other health problems that could occur.
i really think that if people havnt had a loss before they do just assume its all going to be fine xx


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## BrookieG

if im being honest i would LOVE to be a women who looks forward to scans for whatever reason, whether it be to see my baby again or find out the sex. Of course every woman wants to know their baby is healthy but like someone else commented when you've not had a bad experience you have the innocence and can be excited. I honestly think the women who write the threads about being excited about their scan to find out the sex are worried deep down but are focusing on the positive because they have maybe never had to deal with a negative experience. Me and my husband had to deal with going for a 12 week scan, excited to see a little baby and seeing nothing but a big black hole....this time round my husband was desparate to find out the sex of Bubs, it never even crossed my mind that he wasnt interested on finding out whether the baby was healthy or not coz he was focusing on the *positive* and in my honest opinion rightly so. I wish i could be more like that instead of not being able to sleep, being sick, coming out in stress rashes etc because i was going for a scan. When you loose a baby the innocence of pregnancy is swept from under your feet and the first half (in my experience) is the most difficult time you will ever face, when i read the threads about women being excited to find out what team they're on it makes me smile....yeah if im having a bad day i feel a pang of jealousy coz i wish that could be me but im glad that not every woman has to deal with a seriously worrying pregnany coz they havent had a loss, its not something i would wish on anyone....wow ive wrote a novel n will probably be late for work now but i just feel that we shouldnt be angry at women who are excited about finding out whether the baby is :blue: or :pink: i personally believe that deep down they have the same worries as us its just that these worries havent been shoved to the front of their minds coz they havent experienced what we have. Anyhooo i really better go to work, hope ive not upset or offnded anyone, this is just my personal opinion xx


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## nicholatmn

My 20 week scan, I wanted to find out the gender almost more than anything. My reason? Because so far, my baby has made it through further than the past three miscarriages I've had. I believe that this baby is a fighter, and I had hope and belief that this baby would make it through! All 3 of those miscarriages I had, I would have loved to know if they were a boy or girl so I could address them as so. I still talk about all 3. We have always wanted to name them by their gender, but we gave them gender-neutral names since we weren't allowed a DNA test on 2 of them, and one was a chemical. 
I don't know if it makes sense to anyone, but I would have loved to say I have x many daughters and x many sons... even if they aren't here. xx


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## jess_smurf

I think some people do pay for private scans to find out the gender, so when you see gender scan a lot of the times they only have the scan to find out the gender at 17-18weeks and they wont check anomolies. I think its nice for them to be excited about finding out the sex of their baby and why should they worry about their baby they shouldnt they should be confident that their baby is happy and healthy and i would want to take that away from them because i lost, I was the same when i have scan with kristian, this time i wasnt as eager to find the sex out i waited until they did all the checks first then i asked


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## Tegans Mama

Ok I haven't suffered a loss, but I have suffered being told my daughter has a life changing, life threatening and lifelong disability and it pisses me off no end that people go to a scan wanting a certain sex and not thinking that ya know, maybe something could be wrong.


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## babytots

Oh sweetie can understand where you are coming from. I was naive when pg with my girls of course I knew the 20 week scan was to check baby was ok and check its organs etc but I still felt to me the sex of the baby was important to me too.

Of course now after my losses I am not naive anymore and just want to have a good scan where baby is showing the right size and everythings ok and if we find out the sex then its a bonus.

I think those who haven't been through a loss just don't think about it as much as ladies who have been through a loss do and are just excited by the prospect of finding out the sex of the baby whereas with us we are excited about the prospect of finding out our baby is healthy. 

:hugs: x

Edited to add my reply was short as i had to go settle my youngest and didnt get chance to write as much as I would have liked.

I would give anything to have the naivety I had with the girls back and the naivety that the ladies who want to find out have now! I hate that every single day I am worrying about my pregnancy and would love to have a pregnancy again where everyday I can get excited about buying things and finding out the sex and all the other things. Instead I am scared of buying anything til baby is here and scared to find out the sex incase I get attached and lose my baby like I did with Jessica. I wake up everyday scared that I will lose my baby that day and would trade my right arm to be able to wake up and not feel that :cry:

I can see your point but after reading other peoples messages I agree it is slighty judgemental as some women may just want to focus on the positives rather then the negatives and they know full well that the scan is to check babys well being then to soley find out the sex (which on past experience doesn't happen til the end of the scan anyways). I would love to be able to focus on the positives but I can't :( x


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## angelstardust

I can't remember if I made a big excited post about my 20odd week scan. I probably did, but just because you only talk about being excited the gender, doesn't mean it's all your thinking about. 

I didn't mention anything negative to anyone (in real life, there s a few posts on here of how terrified I was) because everyone else was so worried on my behalf. I felt I was the only one happy that I was having another baby and so I had to constantly be positive and excited. My baby deserved to have a mummy who was looking forward to meeting her, not worrying about her dying or being born in Holland (https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html)

So even though to everyone I looked excited and happy, inside I was utterly terrified of never seeing my baby girl or even staying alive to see my boys grow up. 

Still, I wouldn't deny anyone their chance of being excited about being pregnant just because I have had bad things happen to me. I seriously love hearing peoples stories about a boring run of the mill pregnancy and birth.


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## madasa

I have a scan on Monday and I am dreading it. I don't want to go. Making myself get excited about seeing LO again and maybe getting another picture (we only have one, from 12wks) is just how I am coping with it. 

But still.... I'd rather everything was just considered "normal, low risk" so I could not-have this scan.


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## carrieanne

i have to agree i was so nervous ive had 3 mc and this pregnancy has been no walk in the park i had to have an emergency scan due to bloody discharge at 7+3 then at 10 weeks they found the babies intestines were outside in the umblilical cord a huge marker for edwards had to go for weekly scan for 3 weeks and the day we went for the cvs it had gone in we couldnt believe it we went for my nt scan the next day and the nuchal measurement was 2.7 which is the high end end of normal and 1 in 47 for down but with my bloods it was 1 in 294 but having the 20 week scan i have to admit i really thought they would find something wrong but luckly hes perfect having find out what we were having was just a bonus i think if you havent been in our shoes you cant comprehend how we feel and they think everything will be ok when in reality its not allways ok xx just realised that was a bit of a ramble sorry !


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## tiggerlix

i am also sooo nervous about my 20 wk scan in 2 weeks,and i have lost a baby at 15 weeks,was 14 yrs ago but that worry never leaves you.I very much want to know the sex more so for buying purposes as i dont think you can get many nuetrul clothing as you used to.Im also wanting to know the spine and brain is ok more than anything
xxxx


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## mordino

I can understand where Lol78 is coming from. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I was blissfully ignorant about any possible complications until my triple test which showed a higher risk for Downs. I was very upset....I refused amnio and was so nervous about my 20 week scan. I didn't even think about the baby gender, I was just hoping that the baby was okay. 

Now, I am pregnant again for the third time after losing my 2nd baby at 17 weeks. I am nervous about my 20 week scan next month. I am at risk for Downs again and I refused a CVS. Of course I would like to know this baby's gender for shopping purposes but it is the baby's health that is the most important to us. They check everything about the baby, so for me the 20 week scan is a milestone for that reason.


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## Jox

With my anomoly scan with kasper we had already decided we werent finding out babys sex so that wasnt 'the point' of the scan for me...I think the point for me was just being able to see my baby again....I dont think the idea of anything being wrong even crossed my mind.... It was a case of 'i know it happens but it wont happen to me'...it didnt but lost kasper at 36 weeks.

I will never be able to walk into a scan room now 'looking forward' to seeing my baby as i will just forever expect them to say 'im sorry...its bad news'

Oh the innocence....

xxx


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