# Pregnant for the 5th time...



## anxious mommy

Following the death of one child, and two miscarriages, I'm pregnant again. Last time I miscarried, I was 5 weeks along and a heartbeat never developed. My first miscarriage happened at 4. So, my current 5 weeks along is a terrifying position, especially compounded by my anxiety disorder. I know that some cramping in a first trimester, even without bleeding can be normal, but I've never had a positive outcome with such things so their presence is currently terrifying for me. Any reassurance and support you have is greatly appreciated.


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## dairymomma

Hang in there. Cramping can be a good sign as it means your uterus is adjusting to the hormone changes and things are starting to stretch now that baby is there. I know to some extent what you are feeling though as I've had 8 losses and I dealt with rather bad anxiety during the first trimester of my current pregnancy. But know that it can have a good outcome. I had every sign of miscarriage under the sun with this pregnancy-bleeding, cramping, even passed a few clots-and despite this happening from 5 weeks to 10 weeks, ultrasound after ultrasound showed baby was hanging on. I'm now 32 weeks and counting.

I know it's hard to relax but try your best and just let yourself breathe. Today you are pregnant. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but today you are nurturing your rainbow. I have a son and a daughter and baby #3 is due mid-July despite all my losses so I know miracles can happen.


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## anxious mommy

Thanks, Dairymomma. I know you're right. I've even been through this with my current princess following her older sister's passing and my first miscarriage. I'm trying to think of the heightened anxiety as a good sign, particularly since the cramping has worn off today. Yay for crazy hormones, right? Two weeks till my first appointment with my fingers crossed for a strong heartbeat. Thanks for your support.


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## dairymomma

You are welcome. I know personally how hard it is to go through miscarriage after miscarriage so I understand. This baby was concieved after a 14 week loss in July and a blighted ovum in late Sept/early Oct. I didn't have a period in between my last m/c and this pg and my former dr was predicting miscarriage from my second blood draw. I even got a lecture on how I "should have waited because you were told to wait." once the bleeding started. Sure didn't make my anxiety any less to be getting nasty comments from my dr so I switched to my current OB. He's great. If you have an understanding doctor, it makes a WORLD of difference.

So try to relax. Those crazy hormones won't let you do it very much but pamper yourself-have a spa day or try a new hairstyle or go for a mani-pedi. Honestly, the only way I could get through those scary early days (and thanks to my 14 week loss, I don't breathe easy until I hit 15 weeks at least) was to pretty much try and forget I was pregnant at all when I could. It didn't work all the much but it did give me a few minutes of peace each day. I also had my dr, my naturopath, and my therapist on speed dial and talked to each of them at least once a week. Hearing someone else say my feelings of fear and anxiety were justified made a world of difference. Hang in there and hopefully the next two weeks fly by.


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## anxious mommy

I'm hoping so. I keep telling myself I'll breathe easier after a strong heartbeat, but it's also too easy to recall that silent sonogram a year ago in February. I have a mother's day gift certificate for a massage, but I don't know if I can get one while pregnant/first trimester, so right now it's chamomile tea and lavender aroma therapy until after I get my doctor's feedback. He was great through both of my miscarriages and always very considerate of the anxiety my first loss created, so we'll stick with him this time. I'm glad you have a better OB now. The last one sounds like he was seriously lacking in compassion and bedside manner.


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## dairymomma

Yeah, I love my new OB. He's been great. My former doctor was pretty good too and I honestly don't hold it against her how she treated me because I do understand why she was acting like that. This is my 11th pregnancy in 6 years and she's been there for me through 10 of them. She was getting so frustrated because my tests came back normal and I was doing everything right but I was still miscarrying and no one can tell me why. I think she was taking the situation personally because she's the doctor and she wasn't able to help me. It doesn't excuse her behavior totally but I can see why she said what she did. I've gotten over it. It just added to everything for me at the time though and I can't deal with her frustrated attitude while trying to keep myself on an even keel so I'm going to continue seeing this new doctor.

As for the massage, I've been told to avoid them due to my history but I also have unexplained bleeds in the first trimester so that's part of why I'm not supposed to have them. I also know that a massage can release toxins into your system so I think most doctors will say to avoid them until you are second tri and then again once your bump is too big to lay on unless the massage therapist has a pregnancy pillow.


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## anxious mommy

That makes sense. Regardless of the why, it's a good thing you have what you need now. I'm really looking forward to seeing my OB again since he's so good at putting my concerns to rest. Yesterday was a pretty good day, but today the cramps are back and I'm just stressed. At least some of that is the fact that my estranged father is likely dying and it pulls the other crazies out of my family tree with the obsession of trying to blame all the world's evils on me. Is there some way to distinguish between harmless cramps and the alarming ones aside from the absence of bleeding or the intensity of the cramp?


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## dairymomma

Not really from my experience. All of my miscarriages have started with minor backache and mild cramping though some of them have had bleeding start at the same time while others had bleeding start later. But with both my kids and this pregnancy, I had mild cramping/backache through the whole first trimester and I had bleeding with my current pregnancy so even bleeding isn't a go-to for me anymore. I guess I'd say if the cramping picks up and gets more regular, then it's possibly something to worry about but if it's just mild aches and there's no pattern, then it's probably just baby getting tucked in. And anxiety can make things worse. I'm sorry to hear about your father and that your family is trying to put the blame on you. I know that anxiety and stress can cause you to be even more aware of what's going on with your body and dehydration can cause cramps. So take it easy, push fluids (bladder infections or UTIs can also cause aches and crampiness), and try to relax as best you can. This too shall pass and hopefully your family situation resolves itself so you don't have to worry about that part anymore at least. :hugs: Thinking of you.


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## anxious mommy

I'm drinking so much water, I'm spending as much time in the bathroom as I did full term with dd. My family's craziness is why I don't usually talk to them and I'm hesitant to go and see my father. Fortunately, the cramps seem to vary in intensity and sometimes go away completely. Thanks again for the support.


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## dairymomma

:hugs:
You are welcome.


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## anxious mommy

Update since you've been following, my father decided not to die after all, which is fine, just makes the drama beforehand super aggravating. And I had my first scan today. Could see the sac and yolk, but no heartbeat. Doc thinks I might just be too early. Which is possible, but also how my last mmc started minus the more dramatic threatened miscarriage before hand. Hopeful still for a good response.


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## dairymomma

Glad some of the family drama resolved itself and that your scan went okay. I'm trying to do the math to figure out how far along you are and I'm thinking you are between 6-7 weeks? So yes, a heartbeat might not be visible yet as it doesn't start beating until after 6 weeks. The fact that there is a yolk sac is a very positive sign so I'd hang on to that hope. Did they do an abdominal scan or a transvaginal? The transvaginal is more accurate as they can get a closer look at things. With my early scan at 6 weeks, they couldn't see anything other than a 'possible gestational sac' with the abdominal scan but when they did the transvaginal one, they found baby and a hb. I was measuring 6+1 at the time and the technician had to hunt for several minutes before he could find the sac and baby.


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## anxious mommy

By lmp I'm 6 weeks 5 days, but I have a history of ovulating late in my cycle, so it's possible that I'm actually only 5w5d. They did both types of ultrasounds. She could hardly find anything with the abdominal and just the sac and yolk with the tramsvaginal. Which is all we found last time when I had a mmc with fetal death occurring at 5w5d. Scary time, but still lots of hope. I haven't been spotting any at all and the cramping is almost nonexistent at this point. Some yesterday after a pelvic exam, but nothing else. Just waiting on the tests.


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## dairymomma

Looks like you are spot on with the later date then. I ovulated later with both my kids and thus they moved my due date back by a week. I measured right on with those dates the whole pregnancy. So yeah, there's still hope. FX your next visit shows a flicker too!


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## anxious mommy

That's the prayer. I should here tomorrow at the latest where my hcg levels are and what they're doing. All my symptoms have dropped off, but my OB is pretty confident that's not a definite anything. So, waiting, hoping, and praying.


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## dairymomma

Hang in there. :hugs:


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## anxious mommy

Lab update: the numbers doubled and my OB is calling it promising. So now to wait for the repeat scan on the 19th in hopes of seeing a beautiful, healthy little one about 7 weeks along.


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## dairymomma

That's great news about the rising hCG! Glad to hear it!


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## anxious mommy

Me too. Now just hanging tight for a heartbeat on the 19th.


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## dairymomma

:thumbup:


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## anxious mommy

I'm having a freak out day. I haven't had any symptoms all day, and I just wiped and I think I saw some barely there pink spotting. I can't tell if I'm imagining it or if I'm just a bit chafed from sex and a pending yeast infection. I don't have a car, today, so I can't go to the ER because I don't have a car. So scared.


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## dairymomma

Hang in there. I know it's scary and I know what you are feeling right now. I wish I could :hug: you through my computer screen because I know the fear. I know it so well and I know how hard it is to try and be positive right now. What you need to do right now is crawl into bed or lay on the couch, drink plenty of fluids, and try to distract yourself. I always grab a book or put a movie going to try and take my mind off what's happening. Sure, it doesn't work but at least I feel like I'm trying. I could go on about how spotting can happen after sex or just because you are pg and it doesn't necessarily mean a thing or how symptoms can disappear due to worry & anxiety as well as your body adjusting to your hormones or the placenta taking over but I know from experience that hearing those things doesn't ease the fear. So I won't babble on about reasons for your symptom loss and the spotting. I'm just going to say I'm here and I know what you are feeling and I understand it. All you can do is take it easy and try to relax as best you can. I know it feels impossible but you can only try. Thinking of you.


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## anxious mommy

Thanks. That's what I did. And discovered that I apparently have a small tear by my episiotomy scar from my first pregnancy. I'm thinking, hoping, and praying that that'd where the pink came from. Under normal circumstances I probably wouldn't have noticed it. Cramps have disappeared with hydration. So I'm feeling better, but still nervous. Next Thursday I'll know something and that will make all the difference. I hope.


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## dairymomma

Hope you are feeling better today.


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## anxious mommy

Kinda. No spotting or cramping, but also no symptoms. One part of me is relieved, the other is convinced that this is another mmc. I'm not sure what's instinct vs. anxiety. But I'm hanging in there until the u/s on the 19th. It's weird. Despite the split, I mostly feel calm. Very few periods of identifiable panic. I guess I just don't know how I'm doing today.


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## dairymomma

That's how I was at the start of this pg. Calm and collected most of the time but then I'd have these periods of really bad anxiety and apathy where I was convinced it was all over. It's hard but hang in there. :hugs:


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## anxious mommy

That's all I can do. Still feeling apathetic today. I'm not sure which I prefer. The apathy or the anxiety.


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## anxious mommy

And today is a yay day. A nauseated till I wretch day. I'm still terrified of the 19th. I so desperately want that heartbeat. For me. For my husband who takes each of our losses as hard as I do. Watching his soul be crushed time and time again, counting losses, it just hurts and I'm very afraid of being hurt again. Which feels good to say.


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## dairymomma

Yay for morning sickness! I know it's hard but the days are creeping by and before you know it, your appt will be here. Thinking of you!


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## anxious mommy

Thanks. I'm sensing a pattern. Every couple of weeks my symptoms disappear, particularly after an emotional trigger like a heartbeat free u/s or possible spotting, and then they come back with a vengeance in a few days. Last time after I got the encouraging test results and this time on their own. Regardless, Pukey and blah for a few days is a small price if this little one turns out healthy. Just till Thursday. Doesn't seem so far right now.


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## dairymomma

Sounds like anxiety is working against you. I know when my anxiety is sky-high that's when my symptoms disappear. Hoping it's the same for you.


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## anxious mommy

Seems to be. All of it seems pretty mild today. And I can't pi. Down how I think Thursday's appointment is going to go. Regardless, just two more days and I'll know. Fingers crossed for good news.


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## dairymomma

Def FX on my end too!


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## anxious mommy

Thanks. Come tomorrow morning I'll have my answer.


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## anxious mommy

Perfect heartbeat. Measuring 7 weeks 4 days. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful sound.


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## dairymomma

:happydance: :wohoo: :thumbup:

Yay!


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## anxious mommy

Next appointment weeks.


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## marathongirl

Anxiousmommy- if you don't mind me asking how far are you from LMP? The reason I'm asking is that I am currently 7+3 from LMP and had an us yesterday where they say a fetal pole but no hb:(. I know you have been in limbo like me for the past while and things seem to be going in the right direction for you now!! Congrats on the hb btw :)
I feel like my symptoms are getting stronger and I have no signs of cramping or bleeding. Im supposed to go back in 2 weeks for another us to see what's going on. My doctor is convinced I will mc in the next couple of weeks. I don't quite remember your story but I know it wasn't all positive for you either. I just don't feel ready to give up yet. Any insight would be great.


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## dairymomma

Marathon-how sure are you of ovulation dates? It's possible you aren't as far along as you thought if you ovulated later and that's why there isn't a hb yet. With my other kids, I'm fairly certain I ovulated up to a week after I thought I did because they measured 5-7 days smaller than my lmp the entire pregnancy.


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## anxious mommy

I second Dairymomma. As of today, with my adjusted due date, I'm 7 weeks 5 days. I didn't have any spotting and my cramping was all minimal and probably stretching pains or implantation related. My symptoms flickered in and out. But, two weeks ago, when they thought by lmp that I was 6 weeks 4 days, all they could find was a sac and yolk sac they guessed was between 5 and 6 weeks gestation. And they were right. I ovulated late in my cycle (as I seem to be prone to after revisiting dd #2's gestational history). Long and short, you're not out of hope
And don't try and read the ultrasound yourself. I couldn't spot the heartbeat, I needed the ultrasound tech to point it out. So hope. Plenty of hope. Fingers crossed for you.


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## marathongirl

Thanks dairymomma and anxiousmommy. I know my cycles aren't long and I got my BFP on cd27. I suppose I could've ov'ed on cd17 but that's only 3 days later than what would be "normal" in a 28 day cycle. My doctor looked for a long time during the us and didn't give me any hope at all. For some reason I can't seem to let go.


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## anxious mommy

I never did. With my mmc, I had what they called a threatened miscarriage. Spotting and cramping. There was an ultrasound and they spotted a baby they measured at 5w5d. No heartbeat. I saw my doctor a week later and he offered very thin hope even though the ultrasound at his office showed no growth from the one at the hospital. I hoped for a different result than I got the entire 2 weeks till the next scan. Hope is there. It's not over for us until their isn't a little one inside. Our babies are our babies with or without us being able to hold them. Hoping for your miracle.


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