# What NOT to say a few days after someone has had a mc



## cheeselover

I know people are often shocked and don't know what to say after someone has had a mc but these were from a close family members and I only had my d and c on Tuesday!!!!

"Do you think all your stress (over the polyp I had) caused it?" 

"Well, its only your first pregnancy/mc...Aunty ***** had 3, imagine how that feels!".

Amazing. Anyone else had some crackers like this?


----------



## Carley

I hate hearing 'I'm so sorry' It gets old when EVERYONE says it...


----------



## toot

yes when i had my m/c someone came up to me and say that they were sorry then they asked if we were still going to ttc. what the F*** why would would anyone ask that? Some people don't think befor they speak.


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Oh geez, the things people have said to me. Someone even suggested it was a sign from god, and that was one of the nicer things they said to me. It's one thing to be inarticulate or unsure of what to say, it's another to be downright hateful, which is what I got.

Oh how about, "A baby would have ruined your life [so thank god you miscarried]."


----------



## Abbys_Mummy

Hmmm i lost my daughter it wasn`t a m/c she was born at full term but ppl kept asking me `how are you are you ok` are that makes me so angry


----------



## Carley

That makes me angry. I've always said I'd rather miscarry then lose another child at 24 weeks. No one else understands that.


----------



## Abbys_Mummy

i don`t think it matters when you lose the child it hurts either way but the more you know the baby the more you feel you have lost if that makes sense


----------



## Carley

I think for me it is because you don't have to see your child fight for life, fight for every breath.


----------



## Abbys_Mummy

i had a baby that was born full term she couldn`t swallow so i had to watch her been suctioned out through her nose and mouth and she kept getting sick and knowing for 3mnths she wasn`t going to be with me for very long


----------



## Carley

Do you have any idea why she couldn't? That must have been hard!


----------



## Abbys_Mummy

it was a major birth defect they could never tell me why


----------



## Malingo

When I m/c Someone told me 'it's a blssing in disguise' in an inappropriately cheery voice..I then got bombarded with you didnt lose a _baby_. and it wasnt meant to be. x


----------



## Abbys_Mummy

I hate when people say that it is so old oh it wasn`t meant to be arrrh stupid people


----------



## polo_princess

When my cousin miscarried a woman at the hospital, she didnt work for the hospital, proceeded to tell her she must of done something really bad as this was gods way of punishing her.

Its shocking how in sensitive some people can be!!


----------



## anita665

I hate it when people tell you they think it's caused by your stress because then it just makes you blame yourself. I also hate it when people tell you stories about people who've m/c loads as if to say your pain is nothing in comparison.


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Malingo said:


> When I m/c Someone told me 'it's a blssing in disguise' in an inappropriately cheery voice..I then got bombarded with you didnt lose a _baby_. and it wasnt meant to be. x

Gd I hate that! What the heck is wrong with people? :gun::gun:


----------



## Gatorade

I was told pretty much everything in ths thread when I m/c. It's a blessing, it's probably better this way, you weren't far along so it's "OKAY"... 

I understand that it's hard to know what to say, so I'm not upset over past sorries. There's nothing that can be said to make it better.


----------



## Nic-Flowers

My fiance's sister looked at the pictures of our son, (m/c but delivered at 18 weeks) a few hours after I got out of the hospital and she just tossed them on the table and said "thats so gross" I tried to hit her...:blush:


----------



## cheeselover

Nic-Flowers said:


> My fiance's sister looked at the pictures of our son, (m/c but delivered at 18 weeks) a few hours after I got out of the hospital and she just tossed them on the table and said "thats so gross" I tried to hit her...:blush:

Oh my word!!! Did she apologise afterwards???


----------



## Mynxie

"you wouldn't have coped anyway, with being disabled"


----------



## wantababybump

After my m/c my supposive 'bestfriends' (whom Im not friends with anymore over alot of other stuff that happened) said "well at least you can have more" and "you are still young" it made me feel so shitty because I already knew I could have more and didnt need them to tell me so. Ive also had "Well at least you were only 10wks if you had of m/c further along it would have been much harder". The same friend that said "well at least you can have more" gave me a card on New Years eve when we exchanged gifts (I had my m/c December 25th) that read: "To Percilla, Shawn and baby [hehe] to think this time next year you will be a happy family of 3!" I was very upset because she didnt even think twice about looking at the card to make sure seeing as though she obviously made it out when I was preggers. Some people.


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Oh yes how could i forget this one- "I bet you got an abortion."

Yes, someone really did say that to me.


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Nic-Flowers said:


> My fiance's sister looked at the pictures of our son, (m/c but delivered at 18 weeks) a few hours after I got out of the hospital and she just tossed them on the table and said "thats so gross" I tried to hit her...:blush:

How dare she? I'm sorry, and I can't say I would've acted differently. :grr:


----------



## Gabi

Some people can be really insensitive. I don't know if they're doing it on purpose though. I pity some people with what they say about a m/c. For someone who hasn't had one they cannot begin to imagine what it's like. To them if you loose the baby at say 8 weeks it's not so bad because you didn't get to know it. Nonsense! By that time we've already dreamt of who they'll look like what sex they are what their name will be what they'll do in life.

A few that I can remember that got up my nose. "Are you ok??" "I'm soooooo sorry." I had one person who was once a friend of mine say "I'm sooo sorry you must be feeling aweful!" Umm thanks for rubbing it in!
My mom annoyed me with her "Oh it's not the end of the world" speech. The director here at work nearly got a stapler thrown at him when he told me not to dwell on the past. This was my first day back at work after my D&C. 

The one that annoyed me the most was "It was God's will" Now explain to me this. How does that work? If it's his will why the heck did he bless me with a baby to begin with? Why go through all the effort?

"Everything happens for a reason" was another one.

I go alot of them. They were well meaning but at the time they were tasteless. I read an article in my one pregnancy magazine about a woman who's had 6 m/c in 2 years. She shared her views on what you should and shouldn't say to someone. It was quite an interesting read. 

Her most useful advise was. "If you don't know what to say. Don't say anything. Don't sit there trying to come up with something nice and helpful to say. Being quiet and allowing me to get through it on my own works just fine."


----------



## Uvlollypop

oh my reading this thread brings back some memory's for me... 

when i found out Skyela's heart beat had stopped at a scan (29weeks) the consultant turned round and said where you trying for long or was 'it' a mistake-because i was 18 about to turn 19 at the time, then everyone referred to her as 'it' even when i was giving birth the midwifes were explaining to me how small 'it' would be and that 'it' may not look like what id expect a new baby too look like... i was like no 'its' a she and she has a name..anyway they were wrong and she was huge @ just ove 6lbs so what do they know!

and with my missed/m/c the second time over it was 'well at least youve been here before you know what to expect' dont worry your young' you got pregnant too soon after losing skye' all sorts of nasty comments..
the d+c was the worst 'evacuation of the products of conception' 'removing the tissue' 

i have photos of skye up -scan, after she was born and when i had her home after the funeral, and a few people have asked me to cover them up because its photos of a dead body...

i refuse to put my babies away in shoe boxes they existed

people dont think, sometime i feel like saying to people like that- ive had my pain yours in in the post-


-----sorry for long reply im not sure where all that came from:S--


----------



## Uvlollypop

on the other hand i had a handful of very helpful friends....i might start s thread actually what too say to someone after a loss......


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Uvlollypop said:


> oh my reading this thread brings back some memory's for me...
> 
> w*hen i found out Skyela's heart beat had stopped at a scan (29weeks) the consultant turned round and said where you trying *for long or was 'it' a mistake-because i was 18 about to turn 19 at the time, then everyone referred to her as 'it' even when i was giving birth the midwifes were explaining to me how small 'it' would be and that 'it' may not look like what id expect a new baby too look like... i was like no 'its' a she and she has a name..anyway they were wrong and she was huge @ just ove 6lbs so what do they know!
> 
> and with my missed/m/c the second time over it was 'well at least youve been here before you know what to expect' dont worry your young' you got pregnant too soon after losing skye' all sorts of nasty comments..
> the d+c was the worst 'evacuation of the products of conception' 'removing the tissue'
> 
> i have photos of skye up -scan, after she was born and when i had her home after the funeral, and a few people have asked me to cover them up because its photos of a dead body...
> 
> i refuse to put my babies away in shoe boxes they existed
> 
> people dont think, sometime i feel like saying to people like that- ive had my pain yours in in the post-
> 
> 
> -----sorry for long reply im not sure where all that came from:S--

First of all, I'm sorry that people were so insensitive to you. :cry::hugs: I was also asked by a staff member if Oh and I were trying. I got the feeling that maybe they think it won't matter as much to lose a baby that wasn't planned. Other than that I don't see the point of asking whether a baby was planned or not. :growlmad:


----------



## Uvlollypop

and also they dont see early losses dont matter as much as late ones i felt like my last m/c was whitewashed over because it was 'early' and 'normal'


----------



## honeybunch2k7

Uvlollypop said:


> and also they dont see early losses dont matter as much as late ones i felt like my last m/c was whitewashed over because it was 'early' and 'normal'

:hugs: They gave me stats on how common it was, as if that made me feel any better.


----------



## Uvlollypop

yeah they did that to me too.... not helpful


----------



## MimiUK

because my loss was though an ectopic in my right tube, people have tended to focus on the medical aspect of things and not aknowledged that i have lost a baby too.

i go back to work next week and am very afraid of telling people why i have been off as i dont want to hear all of these comments. 

DP and i work together too so i know he would prefer us not to tell anyone other than my boss who had to know for time off.

I dont think I will tell anyone but at the same time it makes me fell like i am ashamed of what i have gone though.


----------



## Uvlollypop

you shouldnt feel ashamed of what youve been through at all!! these are the negitive things people can say, you will be suprised about the positive things people can say/do 

bottling things inside will make you feel worse.....


----------



## shadowsilk

one thing I hate is: OH MAYBE it's for the best. well u do have enough kids be happy with what you have~! you dont need another one!


----------



## cheeselover

I agree with UVlollypop, you will be amazed how people react. I went back to work on Monday and the support I received was just so positive. You will be surprised at how many women have been through the same thing and offer their support. The first day is the worst and then it gets easier. I know you need to protect OH's privacy (you said he'd prefer not to tell anyone) but you also need to grieve, which may include talking about it . Go with the flow and if you need an understanding ear, go for it.


----------



## FJL

I just can't believe how insenstive people can be. I've never been through a m/c but a good friend of mine has had 3 and I cannot believe the comments she has had to endure.

Even my Mum who had a m/c before I was conceived seems to think its a 'blessing in disguise' because your body is rejecting an unhealthy baby but if I had a m/c I wouldn't want to hear that! A loss is a loss and how or why it came about is just not relevant...


----------



## maddiwatts19

_I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!. 
If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_


----------



## sleepinbeauty

I hate the ones where they say "well you're way too young anyways" "it wouldn't ruined yor life" "it was a sign from God (or whoever)". I've heard these directed towards a few of my friends and I fucking LOST it. we even once got "you didn't want it enough"

FUCK THAT.

sorry for my language, but I'm so pissed off about this.


----------



## shadowsilk

maddiwatts19 said:


> _I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
> But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
> If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_

Omg thats ... just wrong!!!!
ugh!
I wanna stab her for you. can I please? :):blush:


----------



## maddiwatts19

shadowsilk said:


> Omg thats ... just wrong!!!!
> ugh!
> I wanna stab her for you. can I please? :):blush:

_Hehe!! Yes ofcourse you can!!
Thank you!!.
Shes a bad mother anyway!! Grrr!!!

Sleepinbeauty, i'm 19 and ive had all the "you were ruining your life anyway" with my first miscariage, so i completely understand what you mean! 

xx_


----------



## shadowsilk

maddiwatts19 said:


> _Hehe!! Yes ofcourse you can!!
> Thank you!!.
> Shes a bad mother anyway!! Grrr!!!
> 
> Sleepinbeauty, i'm 19 and ive had all the "you were ruining your life anyway" with my first miscariage, so i completely understand what you mean!
> 
> xx_

oi now my dads not understanding.i hate that./


----------



## MrsF

one of the first things i heard on thurs was 'well, at least you know you can get pregnant' it took me 2 and a half years to get that BFP in the first place - i dont want to hear that at the minute... 

having read this thread, i'm so angry that people dont stop and think about what they say. i would rather people around me say 'i havent a clue how you feel, or any advice' and let me just sob. 

some people are rude-swearing-words-i-cant-type-here.
thankfully, BnB people are not! x x x


----------



## maddiwatts19

MrsF said:


> one of the first things i heard on thurs was 'well, at least you know you can get pregnant' it took me 2 and a half years to get that BFP in the first place - i dont want to hear that at the minute...
> 
> having read this thread, i'm so angry that people dont stop and think about what they say. i would rather people around me say 'i havent a clue how you feel, or any advice' and let me just sob.
> 
> some people are rude-swearing-words-i-cant-type-here.
> thankfully, BnB people are not! x x x

_Totally agree with you hun!!
xxxxx
_


----------



## honeybunch2k7

maddiwatts19 said:


> _I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
> But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
> If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_

Wuuuuuut??? *jaw drops* Do I need to fly to England and whoop some azz???


----------



## honeybunch2k7

maddiwatts19 said:


> _Hehe!! Yes ofcourse you can!!
> Thank you!!.
> Shes a bad mother anyway!! Grrr!!!
> 
> Sleepinbeauty, i'm 19 and ive had all the "you were ruining your life anyway" with my first miscariage, so i completely understand what you mean!
> 
> xx_

I'm sorry, I got that,too. Whatever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say, STFU?


----------



## Gabi

maddiwatts19 said:


> _I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
> But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
> If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_


Say what?!? Bitch! That's really spiteful of her. That's disgusting!


----------



## charliesmom

Im going through a mc right now and in a way this thread was really entertaining and got my mind off of the mc even if a for a few minutes, but holy shit! I cant believe some of the things that people will say!


Like the card that sayd "to think this time next year you will be a happy family of 3!" I would have punched her in the stomach right then and there!


----------



## bethyb

hey ladies,
iva had two missed miscarriages one in nov 07 and one in march 08 and since then two positive tests (the early ones) that led to nothing - i came on as usual so i was pregnant but i guess they just didnt stick from the beginning.
So had some very low points over the last year but i feel differently than some of u ladies..
I guess my way of coping is that i was blessed with my babies and for that im truly grateful they can never be a mistake or something not meant to be as they will always be in my heart but i do think they were my angels not meant for life, i dont need whys ill now. (ive been tested and nothing shows up) I think people who havnet had a miscarriage doesnt know the sheer amount of hurting that goes on and me personally my emotions were all over the place so everyone was going to say the wrong thing as what is the right thing to say? if i heard im sorry.. i cried whatever people said. yes people said some stupid things but i guess i wish i had thier ignorance instead i see into ur pain too cuz i felt it first hand and it tough and every pregnancy is then for me placed in gods hands as i know i cant control what happens. and i pray ill be given another batch of stretch marks soon :)


----------



## bethyb

also as to the horrible comments ive read just shows how strong we can be in dealing with these hurtful things on top of losing our babies! ignorance and cruelty really!


----------



## Totally Mommy

favorite I got :rolleyes:

"Well at least it was still early so you weren't so attached"

This was said just because I found out only days before miscarrying.


----------



## tillymum

It's unbelieveable what people say and how insensitive they can be.... 

For what it's worth I had a few myself.....

One of my 'best' friends said that it probably happened because I was travelling at the time! Thanks that really made me feel better for pointing out that it was all my fault!!! 
Then she went onto say that we were better off as it would give ourselves more time to set ourselves up after moving back home!!

More recently one of my DH's friends who knew about my mc said to another friend .... in my company ... "Well at least we are able to have children" I was so stunned I was unable to say anything!! I was having mc#2 at the time. This wasn't directed at me but it bloody hurt! 

For all those who say 'At least you know you can get pregnant'' yes but I don't know whether my body will let me carry a baby full term ...Big difference!!


----------



## cleckner04

I didn't get a chance to read through all these yet but I wanted to share my experience. My best friend whom has a baby that was born on the same due date as my baby was supposed to be(So I was sad about talking to her in the first place), said "well at least you still have your dog." I have no previous children and this was my first pregnancy. All I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mom and now I realize it might not happen and this is what I get from my friend for support. LOL! I love my dog but even I know she is just a dog. :cry:


----------



## shadowsilk

cleckner04 said:


> I didn't get a chance to read through all these yet but I wanted to share my experience. My best friend whom has a baby that was born on the same due date as my baby was supposed to be(So I was sad about talking to her in the first place), said "well at least you still have your dog." I have no previous children and this was my first pregnancy. All I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mom and now I realize it might not happen and this is what I get from my friend for support. LOL! I love my dog but even I know she is just a dog. :cry:

a dog is nice. But having a dog around doesnt substitute for a child.
Thats for sure. <3 .


----------



## Ju_bubbs

The worst one for me so far has been 
"atleast you already have 3 kids"
GRRRRR yes i know that, and i know i am very lucky to have 3 kids already but that doesn't make it any less painfull to lose a baby!

And, "well you were only 4 weeks, it wasn't even a baby yet"
Yes, i know this too, but it WAS growing in me and WOULD have been my bloody baby!!!!

I really wish some people would just say nothing at all.


----------



## shadowsilk

Ju_bubbs said:


> The worst one for me so far has been
> "atleast you already have 3 kids"
> GRRRRR yes i know that, and i know i am very lucky to have 3 kids already but that doesn't make it any less painfull to lose a baby!
> 
> And, "well you were only 4 weeks, it wasn't even a baby yet"
> Yes, i know this too, but it WAS growing in me and WOULD have been my bloody baby!!!!
> 
> I really wish some people would just say nothing at all.

i get that alot too.
I had a miscarriage last march so.
" But you already have 2 beautiful kids, why want more" because I love having children, and I want 4 kids, whats it to ya, right? 
Lol.
and the it was only suchandsuch weeks one, I get that too.
I'm like who cares. I was excited, and now it's dying inside of me, step off. LOL


----------



## Hevz

Rachael was born at 24wks and lived for 17 hours and Thomas was born at 34wks and lived for 28wks.


Blimey...if I only had enough time to write down all the insensitive things that have been said to me.....

You are young, you can have another

Maybe you were too young and your body couldn't cope with pregnancy

At least now you can go to college

Are you gonna try again soon?

It may be ok next time


With Thomas, my friend was due the day after me....she drank and smoked like a trooper and complained the whole way though her pregnancy even though I'd lost Thomas.
She said she wanted me to be her baby's godmother....when she got her Christened, she didn't ask me:cry:. 

At the Christening, she found me crying in the toilets and said

"everything happens for a reason"
I mean WTF:hissy::hissy::hissy::hissy:how would she bloody well like it if her babies had died in her arms and she had nothing to show for it apart from a few pics.


The same "friend" said to my hubby that I was "out of order" for giving Thomas my name and putting it on the headstone:dohh:. Erm....it was my baby too and he was known as baby Lievesley for his short life in the hospital....why the hell shouldn't I give him my name????? Hubby didn't bother in the slightest about it anyway:hissy:



Oh yeah, also I got pregnant the month after losing Thomas (not planned) and everyone kept saying

Awww, it'll be fine this time

I'm glad you got pregnant so quick, it'll help

At least you've got something to look forward to....etc:dohh:


And yep....I too had a couple of people say about my picture of Rachael 

"is she dead there?"

....as if you need to ask as she's lay in a little moses basket with a blanket and a teddy...at 1lb 10ozs she would have been in an incubator with monitors, wires and a ventilator obviously when she was alive (those pics are more upsetting though I think)


----------



## x_Rainbow_x

*after my first all i got was:

your young.. itl happen dont worry everyone has them..

after my second all i got was

your still soooo young. 

it was stress from OH going away..

you worry to much people go threw worse..[/COLOR]
after my 3rd

o well wasnt your time.. maybe next time..

4th time: *after they knew summat was wrong*

o well atleast your getting help

atleast u didnt give birth

your body isnt ready yet

god isnt ready to give you a baby yet..

the list goes on*


----------



## v2007

On the day Taylor died, my sister clled me and said are you gonna have another. 

I hadnt even delivered Taylor at that point. 

My sister lives in a world where she drinks tea all day, thinks the bloke shud go out and wrk and kids are to be had just for the benefits. 

Sadly i live in the real world where babies die through miscarriage, stillbirth or neo natal death. 

Cos im now pregnant with Spud she thinks ill be ok and when this 1 is born ill be 'over' Taylor and my life will be fucking hunky dory!!!

''U will be fine'' is another belter, what a ppl psychic now??!!

Sorry for swearing. 

V x x x


----------



## Hevz

v2007 said:


> Cos im now pregnant with Spud she thinks ill be ok and when this 1 is born ill be 'over' Taylor and my life will be fucking hunky dory!!!
> 
> ''U will be fine'' is another belter, what a ppl psychic now??!!
> 
> Sorry for swearing.
> 
> V x x x

That's the sort of comments I had when pregnant with Thomas, my 2nd baby:hissy:....and no, he wasn't alright was he?:hissy:

Strangely enough people still said it when I was pregnant with Lauren....they can be sooooooooooo stupid:dohh: Luckily Lauren was ok and people would still say

"I knew she'd be ok":hissy::hissy::hissy::hissy::hissy:

Idiots, aren't they.



People still say to me "well you've got 3 gorgeous children and another on the way"

Yes, I know that and I love them all dearly and know I'm very lucky to have them but 3 healthy babies out of 6 previous pregnancies isn't brilliant odds is it, all I can do is hope and pray "Smudge" will be born healthy and at term.


I will be thinking positive thoughts for you and "Spud" too V :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## WelshGirl

Have only just seen this thread...

My 1st son William was stillborn at 28 wks.....and the thing that bugged me the most was when I overheard (they had no idea I was there & could hear them) someone at work saying "What's she making such a fuss for, it was only a miscarriage".

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying a mc isn't heartbreaking, but they just didn't get the fact that I had to go through labor, that i got to hold my little boy etc......it really upsets me that people don't get the fact that William looked just like any other tiny baby boy. It constantly breaks my heart that no-one outside of my family will even acknowledge that he existed.....that people don't get the fact that I am still a mummy, that William is & always will be my son....

Other than that, it's just the usual

It obviously wasn't meant to be. IT????!!!! Why can't they even say 'HE'.

Now I am pg again, so many people say Oh it's bound to be ok this time. Really?!?! Have they got a crystal ball, have they?!?! 

Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!!! Why can't these people think before they open their big, stupid mouths??!!!

xxx


----------



## SJK

all i had last month was,
it was gods way, something wasnt right or there'll be plenty more or
its as well you werent further on 
:gun::gun:

:cry::cry::cry:


----------



## shampain

Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x


----------



## Hevz

shampain said:


> Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x

Thank you babe. I've never found "I'm sorry" upsetting. After all, that's what I say to people in similar situation....what else can you say?:dohh:

I just wish they'd stop there instead of saying "it was for a reason" etc:dohh::dohh::dohh::dohh::hissy:


----------



## WelshGirl

shampain said:


> Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x

Thanks hun xx

Like Hevz says, I don't find "I'm sorry" annoys me....it's what usually follows that!!! Like when people ask "Are you ok?".....WTF??!!!

xxx


----------



## JASMAK

Hmmmm..I thought I replied to this post before. I had a few really hurtful comments. We have had two ladies at work who have had one miscarriage each (one was her first pregnancy, the other lady had two previous abortions, but this was her first "wanted" pregnancy). After my second miscarriage, one of my co-workers told me that he didn't feel sorry for me after my miscarriages, because I already have children. That was quite painful, and made me feel like I had no right to feel upset, which I clearly was (I took a week off work after each miscarriage).

Another comment which I find hurtful, and I get it from a number of people who know me well, or not very much at all...and that is my daughter is special needs. She has ASD. When I m/c I have had a similar comment, which is along the lines of..."well, why would you want more kids when you already have a disabled one", or, "you probably lost that one because it was like your daughter, so it's for the best"...which, the second one REALLY bothers me, because it implies that I don't want my daughter. I could have a MILLION of my daughter! 

I have also had the "just be thankful you have two kids", and "it was for the best" bull shit comments too.


----------



## chrissie33

The one that sticks in my mind (though perhaps I am a bit sensitive about it) was when I was talking to a relative after my first mmc about the statistics involved in mc - I made some comment that I have been told 1 in 4 pg end in mc - she replied yes, but 3 in 4 dont..... that really hurt me at the time as that made me feel a whole lot worse.... why couldnt I be one of the 3 in 4 instead of the 1 in 4...... it still bothers me a little but I think the key thing is that people who have not had a mc have no idea what it feels like.....


----------



## Kaelia67

Some people are just insensitive twonk's sadly and other's are just so wrapped up in themselve's they have no idea what you are going through.
I hate the usual one's: Oh well at least you have children already, or It must have happened for a reason.. also, well at least you can get pregnant.
Most of the negative comment's I have had, have been from people who (A)Don't have children or (B) People who have never gone through the ordeal of a MC or still birth.
If they have no understanding of how it feel's...why on earth do they feel the need to comment? They should remain quiet.


----------



## Freya

Crikey, it's amazing how similar reactions to our losses have been! Noticed a few comments girls received saying "perhaps you were too young"... HA... I had the opposite and had two people say "well, you're getting on now, perhaps you should have thought about starting a family earlier" :rofl: Looks like we can't win.....You just have to laugh about it!

Also I've had "at least you know you can get pregnant" YES, but little did folk know the battle I had staying pregnant! 

There has been some real hard times listening to other people and their reactions.... but they didn't know any better and they were 'trying' to say and do the right thing. Hearts in right place - misguided application! :dohh: Hopefully these people will never know the heartache of m/c or loss to find out 'what not to say'!

xxx


----------



## Lazy Leo

I've found this thread quite sad. Not sad in the sense of tears, but sad in that it is so bitter. What are you meant to say to someone who has just lost someone precious? This applies to all areas of loss: one of my friends died and I did I asked his widow how she was coping. I mean, she was coping as best she could with the death of her 6 year olds 39 old dad. She was on autopilot. I knew that but what else could I say? 

Do you do the opposite and not acknowledge what has happened?

Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family? 

I know it's a tough time, I know it hurts like hell because I've miscarried as well and I had the well meaning comments. But I knew what they were - well-meaning. Tactless though they may be, when they are well intentioned (and not bitter and twisted) then I accept them for that - well meant but clumsy.

I've read this and it looks really harsh - I guess all I'm asking is what should people say? I think Molly's thread of what you should say is a great idea. I'm really sorry if this upsets anyone, it's not my intention.


----------



## fairywings

:cry:

Luckily I have never been in any situation like any of yours, but if I ever did I would be devestated and can't belive people have malice for tongues and can't even think. 

This thread has really got me nearly crying, I really feel for your losses and no matter what anyone says they were your children and it must be agonizing. I don't want to come across as patronizing, I could never claim to understand, but everyone deserves to be happy and I am sorry for everyones little angels who did not get to be here.

Don't know whether my words are as bad as anyone elses, if they r I don't mean them to be. :blush:

:hug:


----------



## todteach

After I had my missed miscarriage at three months pregnant, I had one friend who told me and I quote "Oh well, it was only your first time trying anyways." *like my pregnancy wasn't validated because it wasn't full term* And another that asked if my uterus was too damaged to have children and told me that she was glad that it had happened early. 

I know that these people didn't mean to hurt me, however, the way that they approached the subject, was not in a caring or sensitive way at all. 

I would never in a million years wish this type of loss on anyone, but if you haven't gone through it, you don't fully understand. 

:hug:


----------



## mBLACK

Nic said:


> Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family?

I'm just going to state the obvious - At the time (I'm assuming) you don't want to look at the small positives, how could anybody want to? When you lose something that means that much to you it just seems hateful that people would want you to 'look at the positive side' - WHAT positive side? There really doesn't seem to be a positive side to losing somebody close to you, how could having a miscarriage be any different? Also, not to be cheeky but I think that your last statement (How big of a loss would that bring) is not appropriate in this area, it implied to me that having a miscarriage is not a huge loss. I know you didn't mean it that way though, & pardon me if I'm incorrect that's just the way I saw it. Please don't think I'm being arrogant, I just wanted to point my view out to you incase somebody felt uneasy by it.:D
Now, I hope I didn't offend anybody as I have never suffered a miscarriage. I am trying to empathize how I would feel if I were in the situation though I know that I haven't been there and couldn't possibly understand the pain.


----------



## Lazy Leo

Hiya, 
I have miscarried and I don't think it was a big a loss as knowing that you have absolutely no chance of having a family. That would be my worst nightmare. I knew even in my darkest moments that I could go on from my miscarriage, no matter how much I wanted to shout and scream at the world and stop it revolving, but deep down I knew I would get it over it. I know I can try again. I know my baby wasn't ready for this world. 

People asking if I was ok, or saying that I could try again didn't make me feel any worse - in fact I don't think it's possible to feel worse at that moment in time. To know that you have failed to do the most basic human act - to keep your baby safe - the guilt tears you apart inside.

Sure those statments may not have helped me much but nor did they offend me or make me feel worse. They comfort me indirectly, because although they don't take the pain away they show that people care. I would rather know people care and don't know what to say, or even say the wrong thing than they stay away from me and ignore the issue. Because I knew that time does heal and I would move on. 

And time has helped me heal and maybe some people don't understand it, but I eventually came to understand that my baby could not have survived. A friend's baby was born with her stomach not attached to her osophagaus and a number of other defects. She is strong and is going to be fine, she'll get home when she is 8 months old or so. I've come to the conclusion that that little girl is strong enough to be here, strong enough to go through the numerous surgeries. My baby wasn't. And nature protected her and saved her going through a lot of pain she wasn't strong enough to endure. 

Even when I'm sad about the journey I've been down I'm grateful that I haven't had to experience multiple miscarriage, that I haven't had a stillborn. For those who have experienced this I don't know how you go on. But this thread was never about trying to find answers. I think we all have our own thoughts and beliefs and no-one should force their opinion on anyone else. 

But I for one don't think family and friends should be slated when their intentions are well-meant. When they are bitter or angry, that's another matter.


----------



## cheeselover

I started this thread a couple of days after my mc/dc. At the time I was very sad, hurt and angry and needed a place to vent. The comment 'do you think all your stress caused it (the miscarriage)' was made by my own mother (I was too embarrassed to admit it at the time). Six months down the track all is well with out mother/daughter relationship, she has apologised and all is forgiven. She said to me she didn't know what to say (she's never had one) and she literally said the first thing that came to her head and regretted it straight away. I understand now that hers and other similar comments are not meant to be vindictive or hurtful - she is my mother and she loves me, she didn't know what to say and just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It has taken me six months to be able to look back at everything that happened and not cry (well, not straight away) BUT it has been a rollercoaster of emotions to get here. I think forums such as this allow you to go throught this process and whether that is venting about that things that piss you off or just looking for someone that has had a similar experience and knowing you are not alone is comforting. I have spent many a night just reading stories here and feeling better for it. I don't think there are any right or wrongs in these situations, you just go through it until you feel better and you come out stronger on the other side. Good luck to everyone XXX :hugs:


----------



## Kaelia67

I didn't take offence to any well meaning comment's. I do understand how difficult it is for family and friend's to find the right thing to say. I'm fully aware of that. 
I don't for the life of me understand why people who barely know me could understand my grief or feel the need to comment on it with some random off the cuff remark as if it was nothing. 
Alot of the negative comment's were not well meaning and were often said to other friend's or family member's in my absence.
Carrying a child is a fight for me from conception onward's. I have already lost 3 babies. One of them during a prem birth. 
Yes I am blessed that I have children. I am aware of that. My Children fought to be here and I have done everything within my power to hold on to them. 
Every pregnancy for me goes this way...after the inital shock and happiness of finding out I'm pregnant then come's the worry. The detachment from my child. I can't bond with my babies during pregnancy as I really don't know if I will be able to carry them full term and I know if I get through the early stages I'm at risk of yet another prem birth. My bonding begin's when a live baby is passed into my arm's, even then I worry as they are tiny and need scbu.
I don't expect most people to understand this, but I do expect people to at least think before they speak.


----------



## starbucks101

Ive read through all this thread and it is heart wrenching, Ive nenver had a misscarriage & wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy, I have absolutly no idea how your feeling/how you've coped or those moments of utter dispiare. 

I have no idea what to say to anybody ive will hold my hands up to perhaps the ignorance of "you can try again" Never ever meant maliciously or to try and show that losing that baby wasnt important. 

Only ever because i cared and " im so sorry, is there anything i can do?" never seems enough. Obvioudly its not said at that point only when things are starting to become clearer & mum is feeling better. 

Ive seen someone say : Well at least they are safe in heaven and dont have to be brought into all the sh*t in this world. 

I no the lady meant well but i thought that was very tactless... 

Any ideas on the right things to say would be appreicated.


----------



## Jem

I'm very sorry for all your losses and admit I don't know what you've been through so can't even begin to imagine xxx

I know though that I got annoyed with my OH's auntie when my OH's other auntie miscarried at 11 weeks. Her response was "I don't know why she's making such a fuss, it was only like having a heavy period" Yep she said that. Shocking or what.


----------



## shadowsilk

sometimes it's easy tobe super antisocial when you miscarry but for some reason everyone wants to know what happened and why. I hate that.


----------



## 6lilpigs

My dad said to me after an early miscarraige 'You were just full of wind' then OH piped up 'Yeah thats what it was love'. But I know in their own demented male way that they just didn't have a clue what to say and probably said the first crazy thing that came into their blessed male heads lol. Reading this therad to be honest Inow wouldn't no what to say. I think we all say what we think is neutral (apart from the truly evil people out there). What should we say?


----------



## Hevz

I still say "sorry"....what else can you say?
:cry:


----------



## Lazy Leo

It's so hard to know what to say. My mum held me and told me that 'it was nature's way'. It didn't help much but she was so stunned as she didn't know we were ttc and here was her baby girl telling her she had lost her baby. She was in shock I think. For me, it was just enough to be sobbing in my mum's arms, I wasn't really interested in the words anyway. 

It was a few weeks before I told my gran, and she just burst into tears. 

For me it was easier to deal with my mum's matter of fact way of trying to comfort me, to cut through my fog and haze of pain and shock and hurt. My gran's tears pulled the rug from under me. I was so glad it was a few weeks down the line - had the happened when I was at my lowest I don't know how I would have coped with it! When my mum found out she then apologised that she must have seemed 'hard' and as though she didn't care because she didn't burst into tears. It's a minefield! This site is wonderful though, people here are generally much more aware of people's state of mind and have a much better idea of what to say - even if it's only to give a passing hug. 

I was appalled at the lack of information I was given when I started to m/c. This site kept me sane.


----------



## SianMA

I found that one or two of my nurses just saying that they were sorry to hear about my miscariage and that that I could talk to them whenever I needed (then or in the future) was helpful. It just let me know that they knew I was hurting and that if I needed to vent they were there (much like everyone here on B&B) but that they also understood that I might not want to talk at all.

DH was really good, whenver I had to lie to my family/ friends that i had been ill with a sore throat he just backed my story up or held my hand - He knew I felt awful lying about something so painful but it just felt good to know he was on my side.


----------



## Kaelia67

I have alway's said action's speak louder than word's. Just a Hug and I'm alway's here to talk if you ever feel up to it, is often the best way to go about thing's. That way you are giving them the option to talk, if and when they are ready (rather than saying Oh what happened, get it off your chest, you will feel better etc.)
I think just knowing people cared and offered to be there when I needed them was the most helpful for me :)


----------



## Jen Jen

6 days after i m/c - 'i thought you would be over it already' :gun:

some people!
xx


----------



## NickyNix

It's not even been a week since I m/c'd (my first) and I'm still bleeding.......

Here is what I have had in the way of comments........

"Well, you're getting older and older and older...and you do have a son already...." - My Mum!!!

"It's strange because there is no family history of miscarriage....." - My Mum.........._again!!!1_ :witch:

*Question - I am 37 years old and have an 8 year old son - does that mean I don't qualify to have another baby????*

]"Hi how are you? I've got a stinking cold and feel like crap" - My sister
*Reaction - F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

"Oh sorry to hear that...I've lost 2 babies....." - A friend
*Question - is it a bloody competition then????*

Aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh

Rant over xx


----------



## Neecee

When I miscarried I found out whilst I was in hospital (for something else), here's just 2 of the pieces of CRAP that came from peoples mouths:

Sonographer: Erm..no heart beat, looks like a missed mc, here's leaflet about mc, you can go back to the ward now.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm sure the baby's still there - it's just hiding from you!

Doctor: Are you sure you've got your dates right? Maybe it _is_ there.

And all this s**t from so-called 'health professionals'...


----------



## daniella00

I had comments about it was gods way and was meant to be etc... i M/C at 18 weeks, i had to give birth and we had the funeral last Friday.
I had comments from my friend who has had 3 abortions that 'its so hard to get over,im just getting over it now!!!???' whhhaaattt?? you chose to get rid of your babies how can a miscarriage be compared to THREE abortions!!!!

That makes me mad! Also advice from people who have never misscarried or even have children is sometimes bad, they try and be nice but it just comes out wrong!! ..like 'oooh you can get drunk now'!!!

MY best friends been great though and so has my sister, i dont know what id do without them as my OH doesnt want to talk about it!!:hissy:

Im slowly starting to be ok now. Every day im getting better.:cry:


----------



## Angeldust

I hate hearing people say it was not meant to be this is said by outsiders 
but cause i have lost 8 how can thesa all be not meant to be the arss holes
:hissy: i would rather them say nothing and keep there opinion to them selfs

Another is , I was worried a few weeks back because of thesa results i am waiting on cause this will be wether i can get help some kind of medication or for them to find out a reason why my babys heart stops round 8wks and 10wk
and if all comes back normal which already has done at my local hospital
and they give me asprin and fragmin which did not work ,
This could be the end for me really or get pregnant only to lose another,

and i was saying this to my mum and she said well if thats what they say they cant help you either then you will have to get on with it look at your cousin ?? she had many losses and she aint got no children and she gets by 
:hissy::hissy::hissy: erm but i am not her am i and she is like 20 years older than me they can do more for you this day in age 

Drove me nuts she said that :hissy:


----------



## Angeldust

daniella00 said:


> I had comments about it was gods way and was meant to be etc... i M/C at 18 weeks, i had to give birth and we had the funeral last Friday.
> I had comments from my friend who has had 3 abortions that 'its so hard to get over,im just getting over it now!!!???' whhhaaattt?? you chose to get rid of your babies how can a miscarriage be compared to THREE abortions!!!!
> 
> That makes me mad! Also advice from people who have never misscarried or even have children is sometimes bad, they try and be nice but it just comes out wrong!! ..like 'oooh you can get drunk now'!!!
> 
> MY best friends been great though and so has my sister, i dont know what id do without them as my OH doesnt want to talk about it!!:hissy:
> 
> Im slowly starting to be ok now. Every day im getting better.:cry:

So sorry hun on your loss :cry: :hugs:


----------



## moomoo

ooooh let me see - "IF it is a miscarriage, then at least you can try again!" (doctor in accident and emergency):hissy:

"better luck next time!" (friend, as if it was like doing the freeking lottery):hissy:

*******s.........some people can be soooo insensitive..someone said i've been OTT recently...thanks a bunch!! :hissy::hissy:


----------



## Shazzy

Lazy Leo said:


> I was appalled at the lack of information I was given when I started to m/c. This site kept me sane.

agree with that 100%.

The one thing that really gets me going, is now a week after the m/c they ask me why i didnt notify them. Im sorry but i was not up to emailing all my friends and family and sharing my loss duh! :hissy:

Ppl mean well i know they do. But just a hug and a sorry is the best medicine.


----------



## ClaireyF

I lost our baby at 7 weeks, i felt so alone even though my husband was trying so hard to make me feel better. No one knows what to say and I agree that 'a sign from God' does not help in the slightest. I was so angry that some people get pregnant and then just decide to have an abortion coz they no longer want a baby. was this just me being bitter or did other people feel the same? I'm pregnant again now but very apprehensive x


----------



## WelshGirl

ClaireyF said:


> I lost our baby at 7 weeks, i felt so alone even though my husband was trying so hard to make me feel better. No one knows what to say and I agree that 'a sign from God' does not help in the slightest. I was so angry that some people get pregnant and then just decide to have an abortion coz they no longer want a baby. *was this just me being bitter or did other people feel the same?* I'm pregnant again now but very apprehensive x


I have to admit to feeling that way sometimes.....I'm not anti-abortion, but it still makes me angry/upset jealous...... we lost our much-wanted little boy at 28 weeks in Jan this year, and even though I am pg again, it still hurts.....


----------



## ClaireyF

I have to admit to feeling that way sometimes.....I'm not anti-abortion, but it still makes me angry/upset jealous...... we lost our much-wanted little boy at 28 weeks in Jan this year, and even though I am pg again, it still hurts.....[/QUOTE]

Thank god I wasn't the only one! I just kept thinking how much i would have loved our little baby no matter what. i can't understand what it moust be like at 28 weeks though as the pain was bad enough at 7 weeks. Good luck with your pregnancy :D x


----------



## SeekingBFP

Most of my friends/family know that DH and i arent religious so i hate when they tell me its "gods way". If there was such a loving god why'd he take my f*cking baby? And yes, i do say that to them


----------



## JASMAK

"it's meant to be" hurts hard now, because I have had three...so now I know there was very likely nothing wrong with the baby...but with me, and these babies were TRYING to be...and my body failed them. So..."it's meant to be"...I just want to punch people in the face when they say it.


----------



## todteach

Sending :hug:


----------



## Debbie82

I remember when I returned to work after my mmc, one of my colleagues said to me

"You know I had a miscarriage, it wasn't planned so I was relieved when it happened!"

Wtf, is this meant to make me feel better


----------



## JayleighAnn

My aunty had a 42week stillborn december 2007 and I think the worst one was "well maybe it was for the best" wtf? why would you say that!


----------



## Hevz

JayleighAnn said:


> My aunty had a 42week stillborn december 2007 and I think the worst one was "well maybe it was for the best" wtf? why would you say that!

I dunno babe but I have heared this "cracker" many times too:hissy::hissy::hissy::hissy:


----------



## trishk

I had a d&c on a friday, my boss rang me on the monday to ask when was i coming back to work. I went back the following monday. I had kept in contact with them throughout yet when i returned to work he proceeded to give me a warning for missing the week and took 2 days holidays off me. It was the only time i was off sick! Can you believe that?


----------



## JayleighAnn

Hevs - I just didnt understand it at all, how is losing a baby "for the best?" be it miscarriage or stillborn?

trishk - Thats unfair,do you not get grievence time at your work?


----------



## todteach

trishk said:


> I had a d&c on a friday, my boss rang me on the monday to ask when was i coming back to work. I went back the following monday. I had kept in contact with them throughout yet when i returned to work he proceeded to give me a warning for missing the week and took 2 days holidays off me. It was the only time i was off sick! Can you believe that?

Are you serious? Not much of a holiday! Did he realize that you had just lost your baby? I would investigate this further, perhaps with HR. After my missed miscarriage, I was on "short term disability" not "vacation".


----------



## trishk

im not working there any longer! Taking the holidays off me was "punishment" as I didnt get paid for my time off. and yes he did realise i lost a baby i had been totally honest with him. I probably could of taken it further at the time but i really needed the job my husband wasnt working.


----------



## loz

i lost my baby at 18 weeks due to amniotic bands, these bands wrap round the baby and can cut off blood supply to limbs and babys can lose limbs. post mortem showed that my baby had 2 fingers missing and a club foot but actually died due 2 a band wrapping round umbilical cord. someone said 2 me after (aint u glad it died as u would ov had a disabled child!!) i hardly think that 2 fingers missing is a disabillity and my baby wouldnt ov had a quallity life!


----------



## morayo

hi all, i just m/cd at 6weeks on sunday, it was a complete one and i didnt need any medical intervention and i have also heard different comments from people evn my own parents, i think we shd take into consideration the fct that some of this people can see ur grief like all over ur face and just dnt know what to say and at the same time dnt wnt to keep quiet so they dnt seem uncaring.i think my best was from my dad and my boss at work"which was, take heart, cry all u want to, then start ttc again, which just about sums up all u can do in the circumstances.


----------



## morayo

cheeselover said:


> I know people are often shocked and don't know what to say after someone has had a mc but these were from a close family members and I only had my d and c on Tuesday!!!!
> 
> "Do you think all your stress (over the polyp I had) caused it?"
> 
> "Well, its only your first pregnancy/mc...Aunty ***** had 3, imagine how that feels!".
> 
> Amazing. Anyone else had some crackers like this?

i heard the same comments and more, and the first one was from my mom, i dint bother replying her and i think she got the msg, though i know she didnt mean any harm by asking, she was probably just as puzzled as i was and said the first thing that came to her head, and if i must be honest with meself, i had asked my self the same question over and over again,and sweetheart beleive me, we all dnt want to have the experience of having 3m/cs in a row, so lets keep it at the back of our mind thatthe perzon that said to us to be thankful its just one and not three or four is probably still grieving over her own loss and in a sick way is still looking for comfort from u. there is this lady that stays down the road from me, we dnt talk but i know that her 1st pg was a full term stillbirth, then she had two girls and just recently she had another stillbirth, im thinking if she walked up to me and said i shd ntr be upset over my 6wk m/c afterall she's had two full yterm stillbirths i would probably hug her and cry with her rather than take offence. im sorry this is so long, just trying to let u consider some reasons why some people make those seemingly insensitive comments. love u all:hug:


----------



## cheeselover

Hi Morayo - all is forgiven with my mum (read post #73). It was all a bit too much 2 days after the event however which is why I needed to vent at the time.


----------



## Tasha

I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).

The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain.


----------



## morayo

NickyNix said:


> It's not even been a week since I m/c'd (my first) and I'm still bleeding.......
> 
> Here is what I have had in the way of comments........
> 
> "Well, you're getting older and older and older...and you do have a son already...." - My Mum!!!
> 
> "It's strange because there is no family history of miscarriage....." - My Mum.........._again!!!1_ :witch:
> 
> *Question - I am 37 years old and have an 8 year old son - does that mean I don't qualify to have another baby????*
> 
> ]"Hi how are you? I've got a stinking cold and feel like crap" - My sister
> *Reaction - F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
> 
> "Oh sorry to hear that...I've lost 2 babies....." - A friend
> *Question - is it a bloody competition then????*
> 
> Aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh
> 
> Rant over xx

ha ha ha, im sorry, but u seem to have heard some out of this world bad comments. i have a question fro u though, are u an individual that usually takes care of urself by urself and have other running to you for support and encouragement? there is a strong undercurrent under all the above that those people making the comments dnt think it would hurt u. im sorry for your loss and all u have had to endure, and im glad to see that u still have a sence of humour despite ur loss.wish u the best love.:hug:


----------



## missywoo

Well ladies I'm back to work tomorrow after my M/c last wed and I know I'll be inundated with these kind of comments all day - dreading it. however I don't think any of the ones I'll experience tomorrow will be as bad as the midwife in hospital that horrible night when I first arrived, frightened and bleeding and begging for some hope it was all going to be OK. As she was taking down some notes - time bleeding started, no of weeks pregnant etc she asked me my occupation. When I told her I was a Personnel Manager of a company nearby she asked me if I could get her son a job as she wanted him 'out from under her feet' 
I swear to god I thought my man ( who incidentally told me later he thought I was going to bleed to death)was going to knock the stupid fat cow out!


----------



## JASMAK

loz said:


> i lost my baby at 18 weeks due to amniotic bands, these bands wrap round the baby and can cut off blood supply to limbs and babys can lose limbs. post mortem showed that my baby had 2 fingers missing and a club foot but actually died due 2 a band wrapping round umbilical cord. someone said 2 me after (aint u glad it died as u would ov had a disabled child!!) i hardly think that 2 fingers missing is a disabillity and my baby wouldnt ov had a quallity life!

How terrible! I have a child with special needs, and I would never wish her not to be!!! How awful! Some people just don't get that your baby is your baby...and you want that one! Sorry someone said that to you! :hug:


----------



## WelshGirl

Tasha said:


> I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).
> 
> The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt *I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain*.


I feel the need to reply to this, yet I am absolutely lost for words.....I am stunned that any woman could say that to her own son.....I hope you don't take offence at this, but she seems to be the worlds most inconsiderate, insensitive b**** :grr:
I am so sorry that your OH had to hear that from his mother :hugs:

xxxx


----------



## Tasha

WelshGirl said:


> Tasha said:
> 
> 
> I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).
> 
> The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt *I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain*.
> 
> 
> I feel the need to reply to this, yet I am absolutely lost for words.....I am stunned that any woman could say that to her own son.....I hope you don't take offence at this, but she seems to be the worlds most inconsiderate, insensitive b**** :grr:
> I am so sorry that your OH had to hear that from his mother :hugs:
> 
> xxxxClick to expand...

No offence taken at all, I completely agree, it broke my heart for him, he had enough to deal with, with out that


----------



## passengerrach

when i miscarried on the day we went to hospital to have it confirmed my 'friend' put up her photos of her scan all over facebook sayin how happy she was i mean couldnt she have waited a week or even a few days not the very same day and we were at pretty much the same stage. and my boss said 2 me well it wasnt planned was it!! i just wanted to shout well what the hell does it matter if the baby was planned or not it still hurts all the same


----------



## Waitingtobump

maddiwatts19 said:


> _I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
> But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
> If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_

OMG!! That is just ridiculous! How could anyone ever even think that is remotely okay to say to anyone! GAHHH!! I wish I could find this woman one day!


----------



## todteach

Waitingtobump said:


> maddiwatts19 said:
> 
> 
> _I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
> But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
> If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!_
> 
> OMG!! That is just ridiculous! How could anyone ever even think that is remotely okay to say to anyone! GAHHH!! I wish I could find this woman one day!Click to expand...

That's just plain rude and unacceptable! How dare she make a comment like that. She didn't "forget". I'm so sorry hun. :hug: If you find her Waitingtobump, hold her until I get there!


----------



## bubblegum07

It will be a year in Dec. since my m/c and I still hear things like " Maybe it was for the best" " You will get another chance" and my favorite "At least you can get pregnant..some can't even get pregnant.." People can be so stupid sometimes.....
My problem now is that it has been a year and I'm still not preggers and it seems like everyone I know is getting there wish...My husbands step-cousin and his wife got married like a year ago and they are pregnant. My husband's Aunt said"Oh did you hear about T & H expecting? Isn't it exciting? She has been trying for like 8 mo. so they are glad it FINALLY happened!"
OH REALLY....8 MONTHS..try 2 F***ING YEARS....oh yea and a M/C.....let her try to deal with that!! Ugh! People kill me.....sorry for the rant! :hissy:


----------



## mugzy

My brother and a good friend from when I was a kid had their babies only a day apart in September, about 2 and half weeks before Victor was born. She sent me an email a week after he died. Cut and paste from the email:
_Please tell your brother congrats on their new little one. Eat him up Helen your the lucky Aunt who gets to spoil and give him back when you've had enough._

I know she didn't mean to hurt me... and probably wasn't thinking. But I don't want to be the lucky Aunt. I want to be the one they hand him back to when they've had enough.:cry:


----------



## daniella00

mugzy said:


> My brother and a good friend from when I was a kid had their babies only a day apart in September, about 2 and half weeks before Victor was born. She sent me an email a week after he died. Cut and paste from the email:
> _Please tell your brother congrats on their new little one. Eat him up Helen your the lucky Aunt who gets to spoil and give him back when you've had enough._
> 
> I know she didn't mean to hurt me... and probably wasn't thinking. But I don't want to be the lucky Aunt. I want to be the one they hand him back to when they've had enough.:cry:

oh babe that so horrid. so sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 17 weeks 4 days i cant even begin to understand how bad you must be feeling.
Im sending you big hugs

xx


----------



## Wishfull

A so called friend of mine said to me after my m/c "it wasnt the right time anyway" I could of went for her if she hadnt been on the fone an the way she said it. She also said "did you even really want it". "Of course" i wanted to scream at her. Tell her she knew nothing about how i was feeling. How cruel an cold i thouht that was of her i could hardly speak for the tears an the lump in my throwght.

I just dont know what goes through some peoples heads. 

Take care girls as i suppose its only realy us that know how we are feeling after a m/c

xxx


----------



## Drazic<3

man, im gobsmacked at these stories. Some people are insensitive, but others are just plain evil. All i can say is that im so sorry.

I guess this was one benefit i had of keeping things all to myself (and OH). We never told anyone. All this time later none of my friends or family know we lost one.


----------



## becky77

a lady i know who had had 4 m/c got told by her dr to try getting pregnant with somebody elses sperm as her partners was obviously no good, she could not believe what she was hearing and it sent her oh completely of the rails.
i have been very lucky people have been kind .


----------



## Logiebear

Because I have 3 kids already I got told I should be thankful for the kids I have and it was a blessing in disguise. Also, it clearly wasn't meant to be and the most common one was you are young enough to try again!!


----------



## kisskadee

daniella00 said:


> I had comments about it was gods way and was meant to be etc... i M/C at 18 weeks, i had to give birth and we had the funeral last Friday.
> I had comments from my friend who has had 3 abortions that 'its so hard to get over,im just getting over it now!!!???' whhhaaattt?? you chose to get rid of your babies how can a miscarriage be compared to THREE abortions!!!!
> 
> That makes me mad! Also advice from people who have never misscarried or even have children is sometimes bad, they try and be nice but it just comes out wrong!! ..like 'oooh you can get drunk now'!!!
> 
> MY best friends been great though and so has my sister, i dont know what id do without them as my OH doesnt want to talk about it!!:hissy:
> 
> Im slowly starting to be ok now. Every day im getting better.:cry:

I love you! I will always be here for you! you are my bestest friend and I will always be here if you ever need to talk. Much love x x x x:hugs::hugs::hug::hug:


----------



## beanz

"at least you know you can get pregnant" and "they say you are more fertile after a miscarriag" are right at the top of my what not to say list at the moment. Particularly when you've been told that you will miscarry naturally at some point but your body is still working to keep the damn thing in you when all you want is for it to be gone as soon as possible. Right now I couldn't give a damn about being 'more fertile' and knowing that I can get pregnant isn't really helping!


----------



## AlwaysPraying

Lazy Leo said:


> I've found this thread quite sad. Not sad in the sense of tears, but sad in that it is so bitter. What are you meant to say to someone who has just lost someone precious? This applies to all areas of loss: one of my friends died and I did I asked his widow how she was coping. I mean, she was coping as best she could with the death of her 6 year olds 39 old dad. She was on autopilot. I knew that but what else could I say?
> 
> Do you do the opposite and not acknowledge what has happened?
> 
> Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family?
> 
> I know it's a tough time, I know it hurts like hell because I've miscarried as well and I had the well meaning comments. But I knew what they were - well-meaning. Tactless though they may be, when they are well intentioned (and not bitter and twisted) then I accept them for that - well meant but clumsy.
> 
> I've read this and it looks really harsh - I guess all I'm asking is what should people say? I think Molly's thread of what you should say is a great idea. I'm really sorry if this upsets anyone, it's not my intention.

I think this really gets to the bottom line of what we are all going through. It's always such a terrible thing that there really is nothing that anyone can say. Well intended or not, everything seems cruel. I take the same thought as you and understand that people don't always know how to feel or what to say, but it still stings when the wound is fresh. People shouldn't have to say anything because things like this shouldn't have to happen to any of us. But it does and I understand that, and understanding that is accepting that, just that. The fact that it happens. 

I wrote a post on just what you were talking about a couple weeks back. But my response is that I know we all are sensitive but why should that just be ok? Why do WE women who are suffering the most have to put on a smile and say to ourselves, "she meant well" when we are hurting so incredibly bad and wounded when all we want to do is say, "NO, what you said is hurtful and wrong for me, it doesn't help!". But that just stirs up so much junk I don't think any of us at the time are strong enough to do that, and not to mention that it's not socially appropriate. I just wish it was. I wish we could say, "you know what? that's not helpful when you say that". But instead we smile and say, "thank you for your intentions". That is what's sad to me.


----------



## moomoo

Some of mine to add to the pot:

"Better luck next time!" - wtf this was not a lucky prize draw!!

"Now you can have a baby when you are actually ready! - my boss said this to me...

"you are young, you can try again" - So i deserve this more than an older person would??!"

After falling pregnant 5 months after losing bubs:

"Oh you must have fallen straight away after your miscarriage" - If you count nearly half a year as straight away??!

My personal faves, said to me from a so called medical professional, during a call to EPAC - 

"Unless you are bleeding or cramping we will NOT scan you" ok well i didnt bleed or cramp last time but my baby had still died!!!:hissy:

"Do you realise how EXTREMELY common miscarriage is?" - Yes im part of that statistic thanks very much and i dont need reminding!!!:hissy:

"We are NOT here to provide reasurance!" - funny that, thats exactly what i thought you were there for!!!!!!!!!?:hissy:

Another thing is to not say anything, there is nothing worse than someone who cant even look at you, as if youve done something wrong!!

x


----------



## AlwaysPraying

I have a couple today:

- Maybe God wanted you guys to be married first. (thats one cruel god to take my baby from me because we're not married to get his point across, are you kidding me?)

- Maybe this is telling you to get your genes tested (yeah, and how does that factor into it? my baby died from a genetic problem, so yes, we have to have our genes tested, but still it doesn't quite equate to me)

- Well, at least you know you can get pregnant (we all know how brutal this one is)

- You WILL be a mom (I hate this one, as if right now just wasn't the right time)

UGH


----------



## beanz

yeah - that whole 'you will be a mum' shit gets right on my nerves. I would love to get hold of the crystal ball these people seem to have.

Am shocked anyone would say the god thing, I hope you punched them!


----------



## verona

i had just lost my baby when i was out shopping with my mam and her friend, she picked up a little pair of socks and went aww arent they cute :( 
Dont think it was intentional though but still hurt


----------



## ohmybabybump.

"that's why you should stay unpregnant"
"how did that happen? what went wrong?"
"i'm so sorry"
"you're young, you'll be able to have plenty of babies"
"you'll be a great mother someday"


----------



## ohmybabybump.

"maybe you weren't meant to have that baby"


----------



## AlwaysPraying

Could you just imagine if people said stuff like this to other people who suffered a loss of their partner or parent? "Oh, sorry, doll, your mom was supposed to get smacked in that car". WHAT? If it doesn't make sense for them, it shouldn't make sense for us.

The BEST comment I ever had was from my uncle, he said, "I heard about your loss, that's very terrible and I'm really sorry". I said, and almost yelled, "THANK YOU! YES, it WAS terrible!!". 

It just summed it up for me, plain and simple, direct and to the point. I loved hearing that from him, it was so nice.


----------



## harrypotter

dont try again, you will only end up losing another and we have to try and cope with you when it happens.......... yes i got upset, pretty understandable i thought!! this was from one of my ex best friends,
i didnt listen, this was said after my 2nd miscarige, i did have to cope with a 3rd but thankfully that was the final one.


----------



## trying4#1

When people say hurtful stuff, try your best to ignore, because most of the stupid things they say as not worth listening to unless they have also been through it themselves.


----------



## trying4#1

There were plenty of people I wanted to say a few things to after it happened to me. A good thing I didn't say what I thought really. They weren't worth it.


----------



## harrypotter

i tried to ignore it and as they say good things happen to good people, well her and her bloke split up the month i had my son (Nov 04) and i split up with my ex when i was preg with my 2nd son in July 06 and got with her ex (he was my best friend most of our lifes anyhow!) been together now almost 3 years and expecting our daughter in 8 weeks.


----------

