# My 18 week little angel



## SatansSprite

So, on Wednesday June 8th, I was having abdominal cramps severe enough to send me to ER. They were not constant though and felt more like contractions. I was kept overnight so an ultrasound could be done in the morning, and ultrasound said everything looked fine, and that what I thought were contractions weren't because according to the doc it was too soon.

I was diagnosed with a UTI though and given an antibiotic for this and sent home. Well at home the contractions didn't stop, and in fact that night (now Thursday) I started to bleed a little bit. I called the midwife when this happened but she said it didn't sound like anything to worry about and that it was quite possibly just a result of the infection irritating the uterus.

Fast forward over the course of the next few days where nothing really changed symptom wise. I kept having these contraction at extremely irregular intervals and never lasting more than 10 seconds in length.

This brings us to Monday June 13th. This was the day I was really starting to doubt it was the infection irritating the uterus and that more was involved, since by this point it was 4 days I'd been on my meds. I had made up my mind at this point to just finish out the last 3 days of the meds and then demand my midwife do some looking into what was causing my contractions pain.

I went through the day in a bit of pain, like the past few until early evening. At this point I realized I had not gone poop for a few days, so I decided to try and go poop. I spent a fair bit of time here, not forcing anything but yet still trying to go. I did this until about 8-8:30. All of a sudden I started to really feel like I was going to be sick, so I had my OH get me a bucket. A short few minutes later I had a couple dry heaves, and on the second or third one there was a HUGE gush come out me, not vomit but amniotic fluid. This was immediately followed by blood. 

My OH quickly brought me to the ER, where I was immediately taken in. I had to be given 2 bags of IV fluid to get my blood pressure back up, which had gotten apparently dangerously low. They called down the on call OB from the birthing unit. It took him a little time to get down, and just before he got down though, I mentioned to a nurse that I felt something was starting to come out, because with the contraction I'd just had I had felt a very full hardness down in my vagina. The OB came down and was mentioning that the baby as coming but that it was too early for it survive, not that I didn't realize this already.

He then ordered two types of meds, one in IV format and one in tablet format. I never found out what the tablet one was, because I was never given it. I can only assume it was meant to help flush things out, and that it wasn't needed because just as he was calling for the meds, another contraction hit me and I felt the hard full object even further down my vaginal tract. I was smart enough to know it was the head of the baby. I didn't know if the doctor wanted me to push it out yet, but I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop it. My body did it by itself, and just as the doc had finished asking the nurses for the meds, I felt a popping sensation followed by something much more squishy-like, and I knew I had just pushed the baby out.

It took a few more minutes, and a little bit of the doc pushing on my stomach but I also pushed out the placenta. I didn't look at it, I just couldn't bear it. One of the nurses suggested finding out gender, but I told her no. Unfortunately the doc chose that moment to state it, and so despite not wishing to find out at all, I learned that my little baby was a boy.

Im not thinking about the fact I know the gender though, in my mind im trying to think of it as genderless, because it's just a little easier to deal with.


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## Weeplin

I'm so so sorry for your loss hon :hugs: x


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## jojo23

im so so sorry you had to go through this hun. i lost my daughter at 22 weeks, like you i hadnt wanted to know gender or see the baby but after i gave birth i did both and it sort of brought me peace as odd as it sounds. i was in total shock after giving birth though and it took me a few days before it sank in. all i can say is we're all here for you and it will take a while for you to feel up to anything.i couldnt even bring myself to talk to people that werent my closest friends and family!!

its such an emotional time hun and no one can tell you how you should feel but coming on here really helped me and i would never have gotten over it otherwise. we named our daughter and buried here but you have to do whatever is right for you and dont let anyone try push you into doing anything!

if you ever need anything im always here even just for a chat! dont feel like your alone hun your never alone while we're here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx lots of hugs and love to you


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## daopdesign

It sounds to me like you haven't yet come to terms with what's happened. I can totally understand with everything happening soo quick for you. I too got sent away being told everything was 'normal' and fine but I complained about spotting at 13 weeks. 3 weeks later my baby son died. 

Your delivery as far as the 'popping' and gush was exactly what I felt. After I delivered my legs wouldn't stop shaking, my other half had to hold me down. After about 10 mins I got the courage to look at my baby and I'm soo glad I did. I had nothing to be scared off and at least I could say goodbye.

Were you pleased to be pregnant? There's lots of woman also been in the same boat as you so you're not alone hunny. :hugs: Do you know why this happened to you?. Sorry for your loss but it does get easier and sometimes talking about it is the best healing in the world X


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## MrsH86

So, so sorry! Thinking of you and your family x


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## SatansSprite

daop, yes, I was incredibly happy to be pregnant. As far as my not looking, I just couldn't, I was extremely emotional at the time, and I didn't have anyone there with me at the time, I was alone, as my OH had to watch our son, and I just...I wasn't strong enough to do it.

As for if I know why, not yet. The doc sent everything to the pathology lab or something like that to have tests run, and probably won't get the results until tomorrow. I'm hoping I get some answers though, so I can see if it's something that can maybe be avoided or prevented when (not if, but when) me and my OH try again.


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## Bartness

:hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry: I am so sorry. I lost my Ava at 18 weeks 3 months ago and honestly I am still not handling all that well. I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and i was 40 at the time and then found out I was expecting, very big SURPRISE. We thought we were done and to be told it was a girl :cry::cry::cry: for me was heartbreaking, it was the daughter I never thought I would have. I was set up for an operation called a D and E at the time I didn't know what it was but after finding out I thank God I didn't have it done. Ava came out on her own in my bathroom :cry: we buried her on March 11th and I go to see her every other day :cry::cry::cry::cry: A D and E I later found out is when they go in and take the baby out piece by piece :cry::cry: I could have never buried her or held her or anything. So I am glad she came out on her own and so fast it was like 40 minutes when i gave birth, the nurses told me I have a guardian angel watching over me that it happened the way it did, I just think it was Ava's way of wanting me to see her and be at peace and I am knowing I have somewhere to go to pray to her. My sister in law 6 weeks after me loosing Ava lost her baby at 17 weeks :cry::cry: i was in shock, but she chose to get the D and E, which is fine we all are different.
I want you to know how deeply sorry i am for your loss :cry::cry: I know exactly what you are going through. if you need a friend am here xoxooxxo :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## ms.hope

I am so sorry for your loss--I lost my [email protected] 22 weeks and it is the hardest thing to deal with and I was in alot of physical pain. I got the chace to see my angels and they were boys. seeing them has helped me come to terms with what happen and I had their faces embeded in my memory along with pictures foot prints and items they dressed them with.


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## SassyLou

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## daopdesign

SatansSprite said:


> daop, yes, I was incredibly happy to be pregnant. As far as my not looking, I just couldn't, I was extremely emotional at the time, and I didn't have anyone there with me at the time, I was alone, as my OH had to watch our son, and I just...I wasn't strong enough to do it.
> 
> As for if I know why, not yet. The doc sent everything to the pathology lab or something like that to have tests run, and probably won't get the results until tomorrow. I'm hoping I get some answers though, so I can see if it's something that can maybe be avoided or prevented when (not if, but when) me and my OH try again.

I can imagine, it's the most terrifying thing I've had to do too. You just can't explain it other than being emotionally all over the place. I really feel for you, what a shame you had to do this on your own. You might just get an answer as there must have been some reason why the contractions started so early on. I had a missed m/s, don't know why it happened. :hugs::hugs:


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## SatansSprite

Thanks everyone. Like lots of you have said, Im just so emotionally everywhere right now. I couldn't identify the emotion even if I was asked to right now, I just dont know even what to be thinking right now.

I felt so strong when I was still in the hospital being kept overnight, but now at home I'm starting to fall apart. Only thing even remotely keeping me together is knowing I got my little boy here who needs to be looked after.


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## Hotbump

:hugs:


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## daopdesign

SatansSprite said:


> Thanks everyone. Like lots of you have said, Im just so emotionally everywhere right now. I couldn't identify the emotion even if I was asked to right now, I just dont know even what to be thinking right now.
> 
> I felt so strong when I was still in the hospital being kept overnight, but now at home I'm starting to fall apart. Only thing even remotely keeping me together is knowing I got my little boy here who needs to be looked after.

Same here, my little boy is 20mths old and every time I look at him I feel sad that he won't have his little brother but at least I have him x


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## SatansSprite

In a tiny way, Im actually HOPING they tell me it was because of the infection I had. At least that's something that I could even be put on a low dose of antibiotic to ward off anything for it. At least if it was due to the infection, it might be easier to prevent later on, or at least attempt to.


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## maybebaby3

i'm so sorry for your loss :cry: :hugs:


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## pip7890

I am so sorry for your loss.

Pip x


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## SatansSprite

Thanks everyone. The OH and I actually had a good chat about everything today, cause my mom came to watch our son to give us a mental and emotional break. So in our chat, we sort of decided that once I get through some appointments I've got related to this event, and once my body has a chance to heal, we feel one of the best ways to sort of emotionally heal from this, will be to look to the future and focus on at least attempting to try again. Of course this does depend on what doc says and such, but, Im crossing my fingers that doc gives us the ok and that it doesn't take long for me to heal. I think that, for me, looking forward and to the future will be the best thing for me.


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## daopdesign

Good for you, I'm doing exactly the same :) You'll (should be) monitored like a hawk next time but hopefully you'll get some answers and next time this can be prevented. It's pretty sad really that it takes a woman to have to go through this for anything wrong to be found out. Chip up hun and good for you keeping positive. The first 2 days I thought I'd never get out of this black hole but it does get easier x


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## SatansSprite

The only time it really seems to hit me is at night or when I go to lay down. There's nothing to distract my mind then, unlike during the day when I got my son and other things to do to distract myself with.


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## daopdesign

SatansSprite said:


> The only time it really seems to hit me is at night or when I go to lay down. There's nothing to distract my mind then, unlike during the day when I got my son and other things to do to distract myself with.

Yep I know how you're feeling. The mornings after I found out and I would cry as soon as I woke up. It sounds crazy but after I delivered him it was like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Oh god it soo fuk!in difficult but it will get easier hun, take one day at a time, you're not gonna feel the way you do now forever :flower: :hugs:


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## SatansSprite

My OH had a rough patch today where he broke down which was making me break down and neither of us were in any state to watch a 3 year old, so I called my mom and thankfully she was nice enough to come over to keep an eye on, and entertain, our son and give us just a bit of space we needed to recollect ourselves. 

We went for a walk and thats where we actually were able to kinda discuss the whole "future" plans I mentioned and such.


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## daopdesign

You'll probably find this brings you even closer together. Although it's like the worst thing any pregnant woman can go through if you get through this together you can do anything as a team! Now's the time to focus on the future and adding one more addition to your family which is what you guys want. These things happen and you never expect them to happen to you but you'll be OK XX


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## SarahJane

I am so sorry for your loss hun xx


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## mdjoy

So sorry to hear this. I know,I was looking forward to finding out too, now i don't even want to know now..


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