# Is everyone ready for my story?



## yellowyamyam

I have been typing/retyping this post in the last few days... I don't know if I should lay it all out or just swallow it and get on with things.

So here goes the story ...

We lost our son on Monday, 19 December 2011 at approximately 7.30pm at home. It was very quick and painless. I was sitting on the breakfast bar while waiting for my dinner to heat up when suddenly, I felt a 'pop' and water gushed out. I went to the toilet as quickly as I could. When no more water was coming out of me, I felt a pressure down there and I pushed lightly. I looked down and there they were... two tiniest feet ever sticking out of me. I screamed and screamed and screamed for 30 seconds or a minute or however long it was. A sudden reality smacked me in the head and I thought to myself - I had to do something about this. I was alone and nobody else can help me.

My mobile was in the kitchen and the landline was nearest to me so I walked to grab the phone as quickly as I could and went back to the toilet. I dialed 999 and told the guy that I was 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was giving birth to my baby in the toilet. He argued with me that at 16 1/2 weeks, baby wasn't formed enough for me to identify feet were sticking out of me. I told him I swear I saw feet. I, of course didn't dare to look down again...

He explained that because it was rush-hour and they had a lot of emergency calls that evening, no ambulance was available around our area. He was nice enough to stay with me on the phone; he even tried calling my husband. I explained to him that hubby had called in the afternoon to say his mobile was going to die soon and he had his work Christmas party that evening. True enough the 999 guy couldn't get in touch with hubby. About 10 minutes into the phone call, a sudden gush out of me again and ... again, I screamed and screamed and screamed and I said to the 999 guy that the baby is out in the toilet. He said to try to get a neighbour to stay with me so I won't be alone. I was reluctant to let any neighbour to see me in that state but I listened to him. I wanted to wipe myself clean when I felt the cord. Again, screamer me ...

Then he said there was an ambulance coming to me about 3 miles away. Very quickly, I thought ... how the hell will the paramedics come into the house?! The horror image in my head ... I confirmed with the 999 guy of what I had to do when the paramedics arrived at our house. He said I had to. I really had to. He told me the ambulance has arrived and I had to open the door for them. I took a deep breath, put the phone down and while screaming/crying, I took as much tissue roll as possible, reached down between me and carried my baby, walked to the door (luckily not too far about 7-8 steps) and opened the door for the paramedics. For a split second when I reached down for my baby, I looked down and I will never ever forget what I saw.

The paramedics cut the cord and I started bleeding a lot. I was taken to the hospital and with the help of one of the paramedics to get my mobile, I managed to track down hubby's colleague who told hubby to contact me.

In the A&E, the doctor said my placenta was still very high up so they had to give me something. After about 4 hours later, I was still bleeding heavily and they were about to push me to the theatre... the doc said "one last try" to remove the placenta manually. Luckily, my body listened; though I had to endure the pain when the doc scraped it out of me, I was glad surgery was not needed.

When I was resting in the ward, a nurse came and asked if I would like to see my baby one last time. I was terrified because what I saw for a split second was not an image of a baby. I asked the nurse if the baby looked like a baby. She said yes and she would make it as pleasant as possible. When she brought him to me, I cried, of course... He didn't have any skin yet but he had toes and fingers already. Though not much of a face, he had eyes and nose tip and outline of a mouth. Hubby didn't want a private funeral so we opted for the hospital to arrange the cremation. Hubby seems detached from the whole situation maybe because he didn't see the baby. He didn't want to. I didn't want him to too because I didn't want him to remember our baby as a skinless, faceless child. I wasn't sure if he was strong enough for that.

I feel so sorry that I "rejected" him when he came out of me. I regret that I did not step up and kept him warm while waiting for the ambulance.

I don't know if it is normal to act how I am now; I am normal, only sudden burst of tears once/twice a day. I can laugh and have conversations with people. Here I am with the in-laws for Christmas and everyone acts like nothing had happened. I know it is their style - don't ask, hush hush and things will disappear. But as much as I don't want to say it, we had our son even though he was only 16 weeks 5 days old... and I don't want the family to celebrate Christmas as though he didn't appear in my life, at the very least.

My family is far away but they have been checking up on me daily, asking me questions, etc. Here with hubby's family, it's all hush hush. I feel so awkward. They have no idea what had happened. Hubby only told them that I had a miscarriage. They know I was hospitalized a night but nothing more. I want them to know but hubby said to spare them from the details. They are far too polite to ask me for any details so either I tell them or they will never know.

Is it fair for me to remind them of my baby this Christmas? It somewhat bothers me that they could go on being jolly with Christmas spirits but on the other hand, I don't want to spoil it for everyone.

What am I to do?


----------



## Bride2b

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I am reading this in shock and just feel so painfully sorry for the scary sequence of events that happened.

I want to assure you that your reaction was probably 100% normal. Nobody expects their waters to suddenly break in the 2nd trimester and minutes later to deliver a baby. Having nobody around to hold your hand and experience what you felt & saw must make you feel so alone. You were probably in total shock & denial when it happened. I am glad you saw your baby when you were in the hospital, as you got to look at him/her and this you will never regret.

I would feel the same about people carrying on as if nothing had happened, I would feel really upset. I think people think of a miscarriage as losing the baby & never seeing it etc, but your experience was awful & think people may be a bit more sensitive if they knew a few of the details (maybe not all if you dont feel comfortable). Maybe they need to know that your waters broke & you delivered the baby. Its not a case of making people feel uncomfortable around you, but its at difficult times like this you need people around who understand. I am no expert but I suspect that if you dont talk about what happened to people you will find you will not come to terms with what happened.
Maybe disclose that you delivered your baby & you saw it to someone in the family you feel comfortable with. Its not a case of wanting pity but I would probably want to scream at everyone for being so normal.

Again I am so sorry, if you need any support you are in the right place, we have been through similar experiences here. Please take care of yourself xxx


----------



## mhazzab

Oh honey I am so so sorry to read what happened to you.
You must have been so scared I'm so sad you had to go through that alone, and that it took a while to get hold of hubby.

Please don't feel bad for 'rejecting' baby when it came out. I was the same, I was in shock and didn't want to see my twins, but they brought them to me anyway and I am grateful for that.

I've found that men deal with this grief differently, they feel they have to be strong for us, so often you don't see them getting upset. They also didn't have the same bond we do with baby, we felt them grow and move inside of us.

Your inlaws are probably thinking they won't say anything and by doing that they won't upset you, lots of people did that to me. But it had the opposite effect for me, it made me feel more upset because it felt like they weren't recognising my girls.

Perhaps, you could ask them to say a little prayer for baby at dinner tomorrow, or just to recognise baby in some way. Maybe you could get hubby to speak to them?

As for the way you are behaving, maybe you are still in shock. I felt numb and didn't cry for about 24 hours afterwards. Remember everyone is different and no two people grieve the same. There's no right or wrong way

Lots of love, mhairi x


----------



## kiki04

My goodness! :hugs: I cant even believe you are out and celebrating xmas just a few short days later :cry: I was still a wreck at home in tears and I too lost my daughter at 16 weeks 6 days. My situation was a bit different as we found out she had no HB and then I went in to have a D&C but still the pain in the same none the less. If you feel like you would like them to know by all means explain to them what happened. If you and your OH prefer to keep it private thats OK too... but I understand how that would be so hard to see them all behaving as if nothing just happened! Have they no sympathy at all? :cry:

I am so sorry you have been thrown into this nightmare with us :cry: But we will support you in every way possible. If you need to laugh,cry,scream,yell, be angry or just talk about your baby and remember.... we are here through it all :hugs:


----------



## jennijunni

I am so sorry. I too lost a baby boy at around the same time as you. I delivered him at home, and got to hold him, and I am greatful for that. You are fine right now, but be prepared for the onslaught of grief, it is coming, and if you are prepared for it, you will know what to expect. Your DH will not grieve like you. We have had 2 back to back 2nd trimester losses, and my husband who is the most amazing man, and we have 6 children together, and he is an amazing father, does not and did not grieve like me, and he never will. I think for you to have some closure, and some validation of your sons life, people should know that you actually delivered a baby, held him, and he was real. You will need some support and it would be nice if people would be there to support you. I am so, so sorry you had to go through this during the holiday, it is such a sad thing to begin with, but having to do this during CHristmas is just awful. Please, please take care of yourself, we are here to listen, and offer as much comfort and support as you need. Lots and lots of hugs!!!


----------



## OliveBay

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to read this. So sorry for your loss. You must still be in total shock about it all. Sending you lots of love, hugs and strength and this difficult time. :hugs:


----------



## amotherslove

of course it is fair to remind them of your baby.. it's unfair to yourself to not remind them. i hope this holiday season is kind to you my dear<3


----------



## Bittersweet

I am so sorry sweetheart you have Been very brave. :hugs:x


----------



## babylou

I am so so sorry for you, what a terrible time you are having. 

It must be so hard for you not being able to talk to your inlaws, I don't have that problem, but did feel incredibly lonely the first couple of weeks after loosing Samuel. I found that being on this forum was my greatest help at first, speaking with others that have been through the same or similar experiences.

Neither OH or I saw Samuel, we were advised not to, and I felt ok about this. But we did get some footprints and a memory box. 

I hope that we can help you through this difficult time. Please take care, and talk whenever you need to, or ask any questions.

Love and hugs :hugs:


----------



## yellowyamyam

hi. thanks for all your replies. here we are sitting around the fireplace and everyone is playing trivial pursuit... i am really suffering inside. hubby doesnt allow me to say anything about it because he doesnt want me to spoil christmas for everyone. but i feel that is so unfair to our son! he was their first grandson!!! yet nobody asked me anything about him and here i am not allowed to talk about him because everyone is having a good time. just because nobody talks about it, doesnt mean the world is peefect!

i think.i will just excuse myself and cry in the room. i am so angry with hubby and his family!


----------



## kiki04

Oh hun I am so sorry :cry: That is just awful :cry:


----------



## mhazzab

Oh I am so sorry you Had to sit through that. Feel free to ignore me but I think you need to find time today to sit with hubby and tell him what you are saying to us, surely he can't ignore you if you spell it out to him. 
I can see why hes trying to do what he's doing but it's just not working, and it won't. Your feelings should be top of his priorities. If he really doesn't listen, maybe you do just need to leave the room and cry if you need to. It will give you what you need, plus it might actually make them start talking about it.
My heart breaks for you dealing with this so soon after losing baby xxxx


----------



## daopdesign

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this section but there is lots of support for you here. First of all I want to say how amazingly brave you are for going through what must have been an awful and terrifying ordeal.

I too lost my little boy at 16 weeks but I was induced and after 8 hours of labour he 'popped' and was delivered. I too was scared to look because I didn't know what to expect but there he was fully formed but quite red and see through.

It's a shame you can't talk to your family and mine are the same so I have found comfort and support not only with my partner but from the wonderful ladies on here.

I'm sorry for your loss hun :hugs::hugs:


----------



## due3may12

i am so sorry for you loss! i lost my little boy (Kevin) on 12th but everyone saw him except my dad cz i knew he wouldnt be able to! and we buried him! 
i think its shocking the way you DH is reacting but he could be in shock or denial! if i was you i would say it to inlaws esp if its their first grandchild! it was my parent first grandchild and they know that they are grandparents! even though wen i found out that baby had died i heard mam say she wasnt going to be a granny anymore and i flipped out! but dont let them deny they are grandparents! and you and your husband are parent to a very special little boy! he might not be with you in person but he's with you in spirit all the time! i bought a little teddy that i carry everywhere to remind me of kevin! (its a little ram bcoz BF is farmer and i know kevin would have loved farming like his daddy)

but anyway im going to stop ranting on and i really hope your husband and inlaws talk about your little boy! 

P.S did you pick a name for him? it really helped me naming him even though i found it tough sayin his name at first! it made it more real and it might help your husband to make it more real for him too! 

im here anytime you need to rant back! 
all my love
Karen! 
xxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## mamalove

i'm so sorry you went through this hun :(
it must've been so hard for you x

you should remind them that you've lost a baby just a few days earlier,that maybe you'd like to talk about it with someone ..it might be easier if you had someone listen to you.
don't let them pretend it never happened,you dont deserve that ..your baby doesnt deserve it xx

i was 12/13 weeks when i suffered a misscariage on christmas eve 2005,it was really traumatic for me and no one ever talked to me about it,like it never happened..it made me want burst inside and i spent months crying every night when i was left on my own. i had his little scan photo and i slept with it ..for me that was MY baby,no matter how small he was,but to everyone else just a misscarriage :( 

big hugs to you hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry: I am so very sorry for your loss :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## majored

yellowyamyam said:


> I have been typing/retyping this post in the last few days... I don't know if I should lay it all out or just swallow it and get on with things.
> 
> So here goes the story ...
> 
> We lost our son on Monday, 19 December 2011 at approximately 7.30pm at home. It was very quick and painless. I was sitting on the breakfast bar while waiting for my dinner to heat up when suddenly, I felt a 'pop' and water gushed out. I went to the toilet as quickly as I could. When no more water was coming out of me, I felt a pressure down there and I pushed lightly. I looked down and there they were... two tiniest feet ever sticking out of me. I screamed and screamed and screamed for 30 seconds or a minute or however long it was. A sudden reality smacked me in the head and I thought to myself - I had to do something about this. I was alone and nobody else can help me.
> 
> My mobile was in the kitchen and the landline was nearest to me so I walked to grab the phone as quickly as I could and went back to the toilet. I dialed 999 and told the guy that I was 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and I was giving birth to my baby in the toilet. He argued with me that at 16 1/2 weeks, baby wasn't formed enough for me to identify feet were sticking out of me. I told him I swear I saw feet. I, of course didn't dare to look down again...
> 
> He explained that because it was rush-hour and they had a lot of emergency calls that evening, no ambulance was available around our area. He was nice enough to stay with me on the phone; he even tried calling my husband. I explained to him that hubby had called in the afternoon to say his mobile was going to die soon and he had his work Christmas party that evening. True enough the 999 guy couldn't get in touch with hubby. About 10 minutes into the phone call, a sudden gush out of me again and ... again, I screamed and screamed and screamed and I said to the 999 guy that the baby is out in the toilet. He said to try to get a neighbour to stay with me so I won't be alone. I was reluctant to let any neighbour to see me in that state but I listened to him. I wanted to wipe myself clean when I felt the cord. Again, screamer me ...
> 
> Then he said there was an ambulance coming to me about 3 miles away. Very quickly, I thought ... how the hell will the paramedics come into the house?! The horror image in my head ... I confirmed with the 999 guy of what I had to do when the paramedics arrived at our house. He said I had to. I really had to. He told me the ambulance has arrived and I had to open the door for them. I took a deep breath, put the phone down and while screaming/crying, I took as much tissue roll as possible, reached down between me and carried my baby, walked to the door (luckily not too far about 7-8 steps) and opened the door for the paramedics. For a split second when I reached down for my baby, I looked down and I will never ever forget what I saw.
> 
> The paramedics cut the cord and I started bleeding a lot. I was taken to the hospital and with the help of one of the paramedics to get my mobile, I managed to track down hubby's colleague who told hubby to contact me.
> 
> In the A&E, the doctor said my placenta was still very high up so they had to give me something. After about 4 hours later, I was still bleeding heavily and they were about to push me to the theatre... the doc said "one last try" to remove the placenta manually. Luckily, my body listened; though I had to endure the pain when the doc scraped it out of me, I was glad surgery was not needed.
> 
> When I was resting in the ward, a nurse came and asked if I would like to see my baby one last time. I was terrified because what I saw for a split second was not an image of a baby. I asked the nurse if the baby looked like a baby. She said yes and she would make it as pleasant as possible. When she brought him to me, I cried, of course... He didn't have any skin yet but he had toes and fingers already. Though not much of a face, he had eyes and nose tip and outline of a mouth. Hubby didn't want a private funeral so we opted for the hospital to arrange the cremation. Hubby seems detached from the whole situation maybe because he didn't see the baby. He didn't want to. I didn't want him to too because I didn't want him to remember our baby as a skinless, faceless child. I wasn't sure if he was strong enough for that.
> 
> I feel so sorry that I "rejected" him when he came out of me. I regret that I did not step up and kept him warm while waiting for the ambulance.
> 
> I don't know if it is normal to act how I am now; I am normal, only sudden burst of tears once/twice a day. I can laugh and have conversations with people. Here I am with the in-laws for Christmas and everyone acts like nothing had happened. I know it is their style - don't ask, hush hush and things will disappear. But as much as I don't want to say it, we had our son even though he was only 16 weeks 5 days old... and I don't want the family to celebrate Christmas as though he didn't appear in my life, at the very least.
> 
> My family is far away but they have been checking up on me daily, asking me questions, etc. Here with hubby's family, it's all hush hush. I feel so awkward. They have no idea what had happened. Hubby only told them that I had a miscarriage. They know I was hospitalized a night but nothing more. I want them to know but hubby said to spare them from the details. They are far too polite to ask me for any details so either I tell them or they will never know.
> 
> Is it fair for me to remind them of my baby this Christmas? It somewhat bothers me that they could go on being jolly with Christmas spirits but on the other hand, I don't want to spoil it for everyone.
> 
> What am I to do?




Im very sorry to hear what you are going through. The feelings and thoughts you are going through at the moment are very fresh in my mind. 

My story is not that different from yours. You can read my little story on one of the treads. I gave birth to my baby last Wednesday at 18 weeks when my waters broke in the kitchen. Some of the Doctors at the hospital gave me slight hope that the baby would be ok, others sort of told me straight that things were not good. I would have been so frightened doing things on my own it must of been awful for you. My OH works from home just as well, as my family live a good 4 hours drive away.
I also had a pressure feeling but i was scared to push but my OH saw a foot hanging from me. I was worried i might bleed to death if things started to happen at home. The baby was easy to deliver but the placenta wouldnt come out. I was scared and frightened to go to theatre so my placenta was removed manually which wasnt done in the nicest of ways and made me cry even more.

Trying to be normal or acting normal is the hardest part. Its christmas time and its like time stops for me and everyone else just carrys on. I cry everyday sometimes its in front of my OH or when im on my own and i try to dry the tears before anyone sees me. 

Nobody mentioned things yesterday but OH SIL asked how i was, so i just started to talk about things. Everyone else just let me talk and they listened. A little while later i asked her if she would like to see a picture of my son Samuel and she cried more than me. Then at 12 Oclock OH let off a lantern and watched it blow away high up in the sky. We all knew it was for Samuel but nobody said a word. 

The family may not want to say anything in fear of upsetting you as people dont know what to say or how to say it. 

I do feel empty and talking about the whole thing or crying does help. I do want another child even though it took me a long time getting my head around i was expecting in the first place. Im over weight unfit and old, it took me 3 years to have this one. It could take me another 3 years. 

If you ever want to talk about things were all here to help or for a chat. Please take care 
Sarah:flower:


----------



## yellowyamyam

I am back in our home now. I can't express how much I appreciate all your replies, ladies!!! I really truly do!!! :hugs:

So to update everyone, despite what hubby said, I went ahead and told the in-laws what happened to me and our baby. I waited after Christmas meal so everyone still had a good Christmas. I did not go into details; just a general idea of our son was delivered at home before the ambulance came, etc. I am so glad that I told them. I felt so much better after and everyone was actually waiting for me to say something!!! I am so annoyed with hubby!!! 

Anyway, Sarah was right. Talking & crying over it really helped me the past 2 days. I think when hubby told me not to say a word about it, it ate me up inside. I cried for 1.5 days non-stop. I hid myself in the room and only showed my face during meals. It was Christmas afterall though I didn't eat much at all. Today however, I felt so much better and started to feel hungry. 

A week ago at this time, I was crying myself to sleep in the hospital. Today, my tummy is flat, I feel lighter and empty inside.


----------



## winterwonder

Oh hun i'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: xx


----------



## majored

yellowyamyam said:


> I am back in our home now. I can't express how much I appreciate all your replies, ladies!!! I really truly do!!! :hugs:
> 
> So to update everyone, despite what hubby said, I went ahead and told the in-laws what happened to me and our baby. I waited after Christmas meal so everyone still had a good Christmas. I did not go into details; just a general idea of our son was delivered at home before the ambulance came, etc. I am so glad that I told them. I felt so much better after and everyone was actually waiting for me to say something!!! I am so annoyed with hubby!!!
> 
> Anyway, Sarah was right. Talking & crying over it really helped me the past 2 days. I think when hubby told me not to say a word about it, it ate me up inside. I cried for 1.5 days non-stop. I hid myself in the room and only showed my face during meals. It was Christmas afterall though I didn't eat much at all. Today however, I felt so much better and started to feel hungry.
> 
> A week ago at this time, I was crying myself to sleep in the hospital. Today, my tummy is flat, I feel lighter and empty inside.

Im so pleased that you are feeling better, having spoke about things and a good cry:hugs:

Dont try and go through this on your own. 

I will have days where i cry all the time and feel very down. The next day i feel slightly better about things and may cry just once. One of those days where i feel very down was yesterday. I cried over everything, felt bad, worried about the future and the past. I worried the my OH wouldnt want to be with me anymore and was just saying nice things just to make me stop crying. I know in the end he will get fed up with me crying thats why i try not to do it in front of him. 

Please take care Sarahxx


----------



## MummyStobe

I am so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you at this sad time. 
Fly high little angel :angel:


----------



## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a shock it must have been. My waters broke unexpectedly too, at just over 19 weeks but my babies lived for a further 6 days before my body decided to kick them out. It gave me time at least to come to terms with some of what was happening, although I refused to lose hope until it actually happened. 

It must have been so shocking for you to go through the whole thing so quickly and alone, I'm so sorry you had to endure that. Don't worry about your reaction, you were in shock, it's perfectly normal.

I'm sorry also at your OH's behaviour at Christmas, I'm glad you came out with your story, even if it was abridged a bit, Many people don't want to say anything until you do, they are so afraid of causing upset, espacially if they are very polite types - which it sounds like your DH's family are? Men do grieve differently to us and can't possibly have the same connection. The fact he didn't see him can make it harder to connect too - men are quite visual creatures. 

I hope you can let us support you as much as we can, I've found great support here - it really helps to talk to those who truly understand, which only those of us who have unfortunately been through this can. 

Much love,

Nikki xxx


----------

