# 14 year old step daughter having "cyber sex"



## mumof2girls

Hi really dont know what to make of all this but last night I borrowed my step daughters phone to transfer some pics that she had taken of my 2 girls. I came across one that was a shot of her comouter screen on msn.... I looked on zoom and she has been having cyber sex with a number of lads. The stuff she and these lads have been saying is very explicit and far from the "norm" you may expect from some 14 year olds. I have told her off in the past as she has a new boyfriend every other week and said it did not leave a good impression of herself . After reading the chat conversations on the photo I had no choice but to go through her texts and there were more..... now she wouldnt have had chance 2 delete coz I went in her room and asked to borrow phone she couldnt have said no coz then id have known she was hiding something. Anyway I told her I was banning her from computer and I have changed all her passwords and security questions on facebook and msn and emails etc and have confiscated her sim card and given her one and said only we are allowed the number etc. I hate taking all this away from her but what choice do I have? I spoke to her Dad who didnt want to know what she had been writing as you can imagine he was livid and gave her a right telling off but the thing is she doesnt see why its wrong and isnt even bothered!!! 

We have had a lot of problems with her in the past lying, stealing etc. She has no contact with bio mum and we currently go to family therapy due to her problems which I thought was working.... our relationship was back on track and I had started to trust her a lot more and give her more freedom..... thing is could it have stopped at internet chats and texts or could she have gone further? I have asked her but she says no but how can I believe her.... advice please im worried about her and im only 21 myself and never did anything like that. Ti be fair I have punished her exactly how I would punish my own 2 girls if they ever did anything like that and her Dad fully backs up my decision to remove priviledges.


----------



## Hamsterlovin

Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation! I think you have definately done the right thing by cutting off her communication sources e.g. internet. Maybe she thinks this is harsh but perhaps she canot grasp the risk of sexual grooing/ sexual attack she may be setting herself up for talking to men her age and maybe older. I was gong to suggest counselling but read you are already going to family counselling? Is this counselling as a group or are you seen indiviually? If it's done with everyone present maybe one to one counselling for your step daughter may be more effective as she may feel she can divulge more info if it is only her and a counsellor. Another point I wanted to add is that sexual promiscuity and an inappropriately high knowledge of sex etc in children can be indicitative of exposure to sexual abuse. If you think there may be a possibily that someone perhaps one of her 'net' friends may have been sexually abusing/grooming her then you need to investigate this further in any way you can. HOWEVER (and this is a big however) she is fourteen and I know a few people who engaged in sexual actvity as young teens and pre teens so abuse may not be a factor. You may just have an EXTREMELY sexually aware and developed girl on your hands.


----------



## un1corn

While I do agree with the points made above can I just add that I was sexually active at 13 and there was no abuse what so ever towards me I was just that way inclined as were most of my friends.. my cousin is 15 and we had this discussion recently when I borrowed her laptop and found similar stuff as you did, she feels safer doing the cyber sex thing rather than the real sex thing like we used to do before we all had the internet, as like she says.. as long as you dont meet up with anyone they cant hurt you, they can be deleted etc

I'm not saying its right but her parents kind of turn a blind eye as they know what she is doing but trust her enough not to do it in real life.. yes she has had sex but with cyber sex 'gets to say stuff that she would never do in real life' - her words.

I cant offer advice but can only pass on what I was told..


----------



## Hamsterlovin

un1corn said:


> While I do agree with the points made above can I just add that I was sexually active at 13 and there was no abuse what so ever towards me I was just that way inclined as were most of my friends.. my cousin is 15 and we had this discussion recently when I borrowed her laptop and found similar stuff as you did, she feels safer doing the cyber sex thing rather than the real sex thing like we used to do before we all had the internet, as like she says.. as long as you dont meet up with anyone they cant hurt you, they can be deleted etc
> 
> I'm not saying its right but her parents kind of turn a blind eye as they know what she is doing but trust her enough not to do it in real life.. yes she has had sex but with cyber sex 'gets to say stuff that she would never do in real life' - her words.
> 
> I cant offer advice but can only pass on what I was told..


"HOWEVER (and this is a big however) she is fourteen and I know a few people who engaged in sexual actvity as young teens and pre teens so abuse may not be a factor. You may just have an EXTREMELY sexually aware and developed girl on your hands."

I myself have friends as mentioned in my post that were sexually activ from the age of twelve. As someone who is qualified in the area of chld protection and welfare etc I was just making the suggestion that this sexual behaviour in a young teen could be indicative of abuse HOWEVER as mentioned in my post abuse may not be a factor.


----------



## mumof2girls

Hi thanks for replies there is absolutely no way she has been abused by anybody. Her mum used to hit her so there was an element of physical abuse but never sexual abuse. I do think she is just very sexually aware. I also agree with the fact that she is probably a lot safer than real life BUT I will not turn a blind eye although I understand why some parents would. I think she needed to know that at 14 that behaviour is not acceptable. We are in therapy as a family but she also has her own sessions as we thought she would benefit from it. 

I guess I was also angry as she shares a room with my 4 year old and 11 month old and she is on the computer at night while they are in bed or playing so I am concerned about what my daughter has seen as shes quite advanced for her age and can read a little bit. She doesnt have a webcam as I stipulated when the computer first went into the girls room that she wouldnt be having one. She had one when it was in the hallway and we could see what she was doing. 

I will bring it up in the next therapy session and see what they say. Thanks for replies x


----------



## suzib76

also to add in there is a certain sense of bravado for these kids hiding behind the web, she may be saying things she wouldnt dream of saying in real life - we all do, not always in a sexual way, but how many times have you read a thread where everyone is saying exactly what they think, in a manner that they *probably* wouldnt do in real life (there are a couple of good ones on the go today actually lol) but just a thought


----------



## futuremommy91

mumof2girls said:


> Hi thanks for replies there is absolutely no way she has been abused by anybody. Her mum used to hit her so there was an element of physical abuse but never sexual abuse. I do think she is just very sexually aware. I also agree with the fact that she is probably a lot safer than real life BUT I will not turn a blind eye although I understand why some parents would. I think she needed to know that at 14 that behaviour is not acceptable. We are in therapy as a family but she also has her own sessions as we thought she would benefit from it.
> 
> I guess I was also angry as she shares a room with my 4 year old and 11 month old and she is on the computer at night while they are in bed or playing so I am concerned about what my daughter has seen as shes quite advanced for her age and can read a little bit. She doesnt have a webcam as I stipulated when the computer first went into the girls room that she wouldnt be having one. She had one when it was in the hallway and we could see what she was doing.
> 
> I will bring it up in the next therapy session and see what they say. Thanks for replies x

Her mom used to hit her?! That's awful. But I'm confused- how do you know she was never sexually abused? I have a good friend who was sexually assaulted when she was 5 in the McDonald's tunnels- no one ever knew.

How do you and her get along? You guys aren't too far apart in age- does she respect your authority enough to where you could sit down with her and have a talk?

I would seriously consider either getting the computer out of the girls' room or removing the internet. I wasn't allowed internet on my own personal computer until I was 18. It drove me up the wall but in the end I think it was the right thing to do and will most likely do it for my kids.


----------



## Laura2919

I think that she is young and she clearly thinks its fine to do but as an older person you know its not. 
Kids these days grow up far too quick and they want to be adults way way way before their time. 
Keep on banning her and keep on at her that she is only 14.. 

x


----------



## shocker

Sounds like your handling the situation really well, I cant say id know what to do in that situation at all! have you thought about installing a nanny system on her computer? It blocks all websites deemed unsafe and even censors curse words, my sister has this installed for my niece whos 8 because you cant really tell what could pop up in a search engine! best of luck :hugs:


----------



## Christine1993

when i was fourteen i was having 'cyber sex' and had numerous boyfriends, a different one every week. and you are completely right, the impression it gives people is terrible, i was branded a slut, a slag and loads of rumours started going round about me regarding sex. at the time i thought it was 'cool' but looking back on it, well i can't be more ashamed of myself. i think you are absolutley doing the right thing by taking away her phone and internet etc, she is only fourteen and you only want the best for her.


----------



## Lullaby2009

I can empathise as I have a friend who has gone through similar, they had a strained relationship to start with (which by the tone of your writing, you seem to have too). It turned out that her step daughter PERCIEVED that her step mum was being quite controlling and it was her way of rebelling against it. I'm not suggesting that you're being controlling, but you say you've changed all her passwords and security questions, and that you had only just started to trust her and give her more freedom..... so could it be that she PERCEIVES you as controlling, when she may feel it's not your place to be that way? 

In another example, my own step daughter (much younger she's almost 8 and has been in my life since just before she turned 5) takes great exception if I discipline her, but is fine if her dad does it... she says herself that it's because I'm not her parent, she already has parents who tell her when she needs to calm down/say sorry/have a time out etc. and that it's not my place to tell her as well. It's a fair point, and if an 8yr old feels that way, maybe your step-daughter does too?

:hugs:


----------



## kit603

I don't really have much advice for you, but thought it might help if I pointed out that for some girls it does seem to be quite "normal" to have cyber sex. When I was younger (and i'm very much ashamed of it now!) I got talking to 2 guys online through a mutual friend, the first was my age and lived on the other side of the country and the second was scarily local and was like 21, which was 8 years older than me at the time. We were having cyber sex and I was stupid enough to give out alsorts of information including my telephone number. 

When my mum/dad found out they were livid and did exactly the same as what you have but that just made me want to talk to them more - i'd talk to them using schools computers/at friends houses etc and I just became more careful about text messaging etc and pretended that they didn't have my new number. Eventually they found out again and I was grounded for quite a while and after their reaction I didn't bother trying to contact them again. My dad actually phoned the 21 yr old and threatened to report him to the police etc (I was mortified but he never contacted me again!). 

I'm not saying what she's doing is right but it might help to figure out why she's talking to these boys this way. In my case, I was quite lonely as my parents were in the middle of a messy divorce etc and I liked feeling "important" and "wanted" if that makes sense? I think it also felt kinda cool to have guys interested in me because a few of my friends were already having sex, and I wasn't ready and it was a "safe" way to explore.


----------



## mandaa1220

I also think it's important that you explain why you don't want her doing these things... Taking things away without explaining will just make her angry and confused.

You are doing a great job... Parenting is stressful!


----------



## Chloe_toujour

Hmmmm.
Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you.. 

Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
Be careful when handling that situation. xo

GOOD LUCK :flower:


----------



## Rhi_Rhi1

read thro the posts here ... and i think u are right in takin it all away from her... at the end of the day you are just doing ure best by her.. she might 'hate' you now for it ... but really she will only thank you later on if she comes to her senses lol!


----------



## supriseBump_x

Chloe_toujour said:


> Hmmmm.
> Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..
> 
> Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
> and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
> Be careful when handling that situation. xo
> 
> GOOD LUCK :flower:

Just wanted to say *not most 14 year olds are sexually active!!* I was 17 and had been with my boyfriends 6 months before we both had sex for the 1st time. 

I feel you are handling the situation in the best way u can. Have u thought about letting her on the computer for timed, supervised periods of time? Also i would seriously think about taking the computer out of her room and have it somewhere where she could be kept an eye on when on it. 

Have u sat her down and told her why you don't want her doing these things? The guys might not be who they say they are... ect. She needs to know that its for her own good that you are being so strict. 

Hope it all goes ok :) xxx


----------



## hopeandpray

100% agree with surprise bump, i just turned 19 so i'm not that over the hill lol most 14 year olds are not having sex, regular or cyber and i think it is pretty serious for young girls to treat it in such a casual way


----------



## Chloe_toujour

Hmm maybe its just every teenager in my old school. There was about 10 pregnant first-3rd years when i left. and my friend was pregnant 3 times between 1st and second year and all of my class had had sex before 5th year (our morning conversations were rather sexual) and that meant we were all 15-16? in a catholic grammar school :L


----------



## supriseBump_x

Chloe_toujour said:


> Hmm maybe its just every teenager in my old school. There was about 10 pregnant first-3rd years when i left. and my friend was pregnant 3 times between 1st and second year and all of my class had had sex before 5th year (our morning conversations were rather sexual) and that meant we were all 15-16? in a catholic grammar school :L

Sounds like a load of bullshit to me...


----------



## AyaChan

I think your doing the right thing 

and at Chloe, you can not judge every 14 year old on your own experience. Plenty of 14 year olds still go around having fun without resorting to sex.

hope everything turns out ok for you OP.

x


----------



## aob1013

I agree with suprise bump and Sasha - i wasn't sexually active at 14 - i barely knew what sex was, neither is my brother who is 14 - he's more interested in his x box! You musn't generalise like that.

To the OP, i am so sorry you had to find such a shock, i'm sure most young people experiment like this .. do you feel like you can sit down and chat with her?! x


----------



## kit603

I know i've posted already but just thought i'd reiterate that having been on your daughter's side of things a few years ago... I can now say that I wholeheartedly believe that my parents did the right thing by supervising my internet usage, taking away my phone etc. Whilst I may have "hated" my parents at the time (although, I don't think it was that strong) I soon understood that it was all for the best.


----------



## mumof2girls

Hi just seen all the replies on here and wanted to thank you all for replying and give a little update. 

My step daughter doesnt hate me and I did explain why I have taken her stuff, she also knows that she now has to regain not only mine but her dads trust. She understands why I flipped, we are getting on fine and shes talking to me and asking my advice etc so I know she cant hate me that much! I think she hates the fact she has no phone or internet on hand and she will get supervised time on the computer in time.

I have no need to take the computer from her room as I have removed the internet dongle so she can still play games on it just cant get internet etc. I wont take the computer out as I do have the option of removing the internet and I dont think it would be right to take away the only "priviledge" she has right now which is games on the pc. She is trying hard to regain our trust but she knows it will take time especially with her Dad. 

Suprisingly she is admitting to me a lot more now like drinking alcohol with her friends (before she was grounded) this she admitted just tonight when she was straightening my hair! 

I think she will be fine it will just take time, we will get there in the end. We are stricter on her than her friends parents are on them but like I have said to her, her firends can stay out all night, parents will buy them cigs and alcohol and one of them aged 15 is pregnant and shoplifts etc so I think I am doing right by her and im only doing what I know for a fact I would do with my own two biological daughters. Although im not her mum I have to play a role because she doesnt see her real mum ever and I think she needs the female influence, im not that much older than her so she knows I will be more understanding than her dad (which I always am).

Sorry to go on lol but just wanted to update. Thanks once again for replies and advice much appreciated x


----------



## kit603

I'm glad to hear that she's making progress, and it definitely sounds like you made the right choices with her. Plus, if anything, it does sound like your bond has grown a little bit if she's able to admit things like drinking. :thumbup:


----------



## DottyLottie

I am not really sure how to advise, but wanted to say that I too would have removed all her computer use and sim card etc.
What she is doing is potentially ilegal, especially if the boys involved are much older.


----------



## mumof2girls

well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!


----------



## KatienSam

blimey she is playing up! you poor things. its not right that she has been experimenting with cyber sex etc, i dont feel. she needs to find another hobby and find herself beautiful and so respect her body not flaunt it to whomever will look. what kind of girls does she hang around with? i hope you come to some conclusions soon. xx


----------



## mumof2girls

Well things got a whole lot worse last night she actually didnt come home, she ran away at school to a friends luckily the friends mum rang the school who phoned me with the address she had been missing for about 3 hours.... the worst 3 hours of our lives! The police were even out searching for her then we had the whole "im not coming home" saga etc etc in the end her dad went to house and told her in no uncertain terms she was to get home. She wanted to go live at her mums but we were informed that if we let her go and she came to any harm we were responsible in the eyes of the law. The police came to see her and gave her a telling off about running away and about the picture thing. We have a meeting with school tomorrow so hopefully we can sort something out. I have phoned social services today to ask them to assess her needs and see if theres anything they can do so they will do that when we get back from holiday in a few weeks. I agree she needs a hobby but I think she has serious issues that need addressing first. x


----------



## KA92

iv been reading this very quietly not posting...but i kinda feel the need now,,,excuse me :)

reading this it seems that perhaps she has issues via her parents split up? she craves attention and she gets it via sexually activities? Plus nowadays sex is pretty much in your face your constantly being told how amazing it is(seriously who ARE these so called "amazing"people?) anyhow...

she may be feeling a little bit put out because of you and your chuildren or perhaps to do with the relationship between her and her mother? Plus add in some raging teenage horomones and some peer pressure and youv got one hell of a confused young girl!

I was sexually active at 14, just a few months shy of my 15th birthday yes i was young but we were together a long time before and afterwards....

anyhow good luck and i hope it worksout well (this is just my opinion feel free to :ignore:)

xx


----------



## aob1013

My god, i don't know what to suggest hun i really don't xx


----------



## missd

I too have say quietly reading the posts and would just like to add my thoughts. From your posts you seem to be the one that is issuing all the punishments and her father is not making an input, only to reprimand her and be angry?. Does he actually sit and talk with her in a reasonable manner? Do they have a good close relationship? I totally agree with KA92 but would also think it is linked to her mothers behaviour towards her as well and what type of attachment they may have had when she was younger. 

If her mother beat her and never had a close attachment with her as a child, this would have a huge impact on her behaviour as it is today. If that was the only sort of attention she received from her mother maybe her view is that if she does something wrong she will get the attention (i.e. punishment from you and her father) she craves that she never got when growing up. When I say attention I do not mean she is an attention seeker, the lack of positive attention as opposed to negative attention may explain her behaviour. She may also have a low opinion of herself as well as a result and think she is not worth much after all her own mother beat her so why should she believe that anyone else would be any different.

You need to go right back to the beginning of her life to try and understand her behaviour today

I may be totally off track here and I do hope I have not caused any offence in anyway but like I said its just my thoughts.

Good luck and for her sake don't give up.

xx


----------



## QuintinsMommy

mumof2girls said:


> well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!

I dont want to sound mean in anyway, but because people are going to be making fun of her at school for doing these thing might make her take a step back and look what she is doing! 

great job at thinking she needs to be on the pill, you dont want her to be having sex but you never know 

good luck :hugs:


----------



## lkb21

Hi, 

When i was 14 i was very sexually aware and had a few sexual experiences with boys (not full sex), which i now understand was not in my best interests and was wrong. I documented this is diaries, same as any young girls would (before the age of blogs or chat rooms, or even txts!!!). 

My step mother found one of my diaries and read it whilst cleaning... i still think to this day that this was a complete and utter invasion of my privacy and felt incredibly invaded. I later found out that after this instance she had found all of my other diaries an (most of them loackable) and the keys and had been reading them. It was a terrible terrible time. It makes me feel ill thinking about it! yes i was only 14, but they were my private things - everyone is entitled to privacy! some of the stuff in there wasn't even true - just teenage babble (teens will make things up). It was such a horrendous time, that i left my fathers house and went back to live with my mother (which in itself was a horrendous situation), my relationship with my father was a broken mess, and me and the step mother have never spoken since (this was 10 years ago), i am not allowed to even know where my father lives as she thinks i'm some evil devil that was walking round sleeping with everything that moved, and that i made her look bad by telling ppl she had read my diaries. 

What i am trying to say to you is that the 2 issues need seperating. Yes, your step-daughter should not be doing what she is doing, and needs some talking to!!! but i think you need to think a little more about her privacy! living under a microscope as a teen when your trying to find out who you are can be really damaging! believe me i know! 

i just wanted to offer a different perspective, hope you dont mind :)


----------



## Onika

Hi All just been reading what has been going on. Preggoeggo if there is one thing that needs to be maintained is openness, honestness and love. All of which I am sure you are giving freely. I started having sex when I was 12 it was taken not given but for the next 12 years I had sex with any one that talked to me basically because this is what I thought was required of me. Even though my parents only knew all of this through secretly reading my diary and grounding me every 5mins they never stopped talking to me and providing me with information to help me try to make decisions that would allow to have some choice in who I gave myself too and that I had full awareness of the consequences.
Sex ed class with Family planning, deportment classes to help with self esteem, and get the computer out of the bedroom if you havent already. Young people have too much privacy I know I know people that they need it but if my parents didnt read about some of the things they had I would be dead now I am sure of it this way they knew to keep and an extra special eye on me. 

Good luck and just keep on loving her because from the sounds of it she is really confused right now...Onika


----------



## Blah11

I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.


----------



## hypnorm

Blah11 said:


> I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.

and getting another lad to take topless pictures of her at school? I would call that more than just curious.


----------



## TattiesMum

mumof2girls said:


> well just to say I was sooooo wrong about her. Had a call from the deputy head at her school today to say that on Firiday it came to her attention that Jasmine and lad had stayed behind after pe instead of going to their next lesson and snook into the girls changing rooms where Jasmine had already asked him to take pics of her topless so he did, the result is they have both been excluded and she is currently in learning support segregated from her mates, we have a meeting with school on thursday to discuss it.... it seems my taking her internet, phone and grounding her has not worked coz shes doing it at school!!! The pics the lad took have been sent all round school so she is gonna be called all sorts and the girls especially are gonna bully her big time now! I am sooo bloody angry! Have made her docs appt to get her on the pill as her dad feels that getting pregnant will be the next shocker! I just dont know what to do this time girls, shes well and truly broken my trust, im very angry but also disappointed and heartbroken! I dont know how much more I can take from her. She is going to ending up having a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter who idolises her already! ARGHHHH!!! God knows what I should do now! Her dads equally if not more hurt/ angry and she gets home in roughly 30 mins and I dread the row!

Oh Hon :hugs::hugs::hugs:

I've been through all of this with one of mine ... including the topless pictures and the school being involved and I know how hard it is and how helpless you feel right now :hugs:

We tried all the supervised computer time, taking her phone away, grounding her, putting her on the pill etc - but as you now know they still have to leave the house at some point, even if it is just to go to school :(

We ended up with a 16 year old running away from home to live with her 17 year old boyfriend ... social services didn't want to know, the police merely said that it wasn't worth their while bringing her back as she would just run away again and a family court would just take her wishes into account and the school were constantly on my back for her truancy even though she didn't live with me ](*,)

We tried everything - mediation, tough love, understanding .... she did eventually come home but was then pregnant within 6 months with 2 possible FOBs. She is now an 18 year old Mum and we have a fantastic relationship - I absolutely love her to bits but she has certainly put me through the mill over the last 4 years or so!

I don't have any advice for you really Hon - as you can see I don't have any answers, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that someone else has been through this as a parent as well :hugs::hugs:

I just want to add that there is not necessarily any correlation between bad parental relationships and (for want of a better phrase) precocious sexuality - My D and I have a good relationship and, of my 3 kids, she had the best relationship with their father ... my other 2 are not promiscuous at all :shrug: - I just think that every person is different and that to look for causes/something to blame is counter productive at a time when all that really matters is maintaining an emotional contact :hugs:


----------



## Blah11

hypnorm said:


> Blah11 said:
> 
> 
> I know this is an old post but i think u were a bit harsh tbh. I lost my virginity at 14 and i wasnt a bad girl or anything. I think you should have spoken to her about the dangers of getting close to someone online and that they could be anyone but she's only being a curious teen imo.
> 
> and getting another lad to take topless pictures of her at school? I would call that more than just curious.Click to expand...

eeek yeah! I only read the original post :dohh:


----------



## mumof2girls

Hi I need to say that what I didnt realise when I wrote the post about the topless picture was that this happened before I found all the cyber sex stuff and text messages (not that I knew that at the time) it had only just come to the schools attention. Of course she ran away etc but police brought her home and gave her a telling off and told her that they would always find her and how dangerous it was to run away. She is going through a really tough time at the moment as inbetween all this stuff she was assaulted on the bus by 2 boys who battered her! They left her leg and face in a right mess and apparently the bullying had been going on for some time but she didnt say because she wanted these lads to like her, needless to say the police were involved and the cheeky gits have pleaded not guilty so the trial is fixed for 21st July. We have a strong case and witnesses as well as photographic evidence of the bruising etc. She has been under a lot of pressure which I can only assume have added to this behaviour. 

In reply to ikb21 I would never go and purposely find her diary and read it! I was looking at pics of MY kids on her phone (with her permission I may add) when I found the photo of the computer screen conversation it was only then I read her texts out of concern and I think I had every right to and believe me shes grateful it was me and not her dad who read them! 

She is a lot more honest and open with me now and after trying therapy etc shes decided its not for her and I cant make her go but we agreed to get a social worker in as an independent person to explain the dangers of internet and sex etc. My step son has a social worker who is arranging this for her. 

Its never going to be easy for her not having a mum and having a step mum but EVERYTHING I do is out of love for her and she now knows this. She is very close to my dad as her own Grandparents dont bother with her now shes a teen (which is another thing we have sussed out and sorted out) so she spends a lot of time talking to my dad when he's here and he has explained that I will never try and be her mum or take her mums place and that im merely a friend who she can turn to when she needs me. I couldnt have put it better myself and our relationship has just got better and better. I know theres more trouble ahead as with all teens particularly as she is now a year 10 and starting coursework for gcse's etc and she doesnt cope well with pressure but hopefully now she will come to me and talk instead of dealing with her problems with this behaviour. I truly believe that being provocative is a way of release for her and her way of feeling grown up. We have also given her more freedom she has her phone back now but still supervised internet access and she is on the pill and taking it every day and is going out with friends so we are getting there slowly!!


----------



## kit603

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress with your step-daughter, hope things stay better :)


----------



## Tishimouse

Chloe_toujour said:


> Hmmmm.
> Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..
> 
> Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
> and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
> Be careful when handling that situation. xo
> 
> GOOD LUCK :flower:

Whereas I appreciate what has been written here and it's always a good thing to receive an answer to your messages, some of what has been written isn't actually correct. I am also saddened by the lol at the end of stating that almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. Not a laughing matter.

Firstly, reading your step-daughter's texts is NOT illegal as there is no such offence or any statute law written in relation to doing so (my brother is a barrister and I have just mentioned it to him ... I won't quote his reply, but he assures me you haven't broken any law and you cannot be sued). I understand why you read them and I also understand other people feeling this as an invasion of privacy. It is a mixture of both, but you have read them under special circumstances with a view to helping the girl - not vindictively, but out of love.

I am saddened to read that almost everybody in this girls world aged 14 is sexually active, particularly as I see this as cutting childhood short for these individuals and find it hard to actually call them 'children' if they have moved forward into adulthood so early. A sign of the times I guess. However, in my family, the young teenagers are not sexually active, but very open in conversation with not a blush to be seen when speaking about sex, etc. I welcome this as sex should not be a taboo subject, but I strongly believe waiting until at least the legal age for having intercourse would be better. This way a child can have more of a childhood (I'm a true traditionalist ... and of course an idealist, so I don't expect everyone to agree). 

The legal age for sexual intercourse is 16, so anybody who has sexual intercourse with a minor under the age of 16 IS committing an offence. If someone is sexually active under the age of 16 with another person over the age of 16, it is the older person who will get into trouble with the law, as the child under 16 is not deemed old enough in law to give consent. It's a funny old world we live in.

That said, I wish you luck dealing with your 14 year old step-daughter. Life brings all sorts of problems that are difficult to deal with. I think I would be tempted to remove the computer from the bedroom whilst the younger girls are sharing to protect _them as_ prevention is better than cure. However, if this little girl is already sexually active (whether cyber or not) then I doubt you will be able to stop her. It sounds like a good subject to include in her therapy to make sure she is aware of the 'bigger picture'. I have since read the remaining posts and can see that you are making progress. I really admire you and believe your posts here will help others who have similar problems and need advice.

Take care :hug:


----------



## CookieDough23

Being explicit is quite common in young girls these days. I was sexually active at 14. It's pretty much the norm these days with obvious exceptions.

I do think you have done the right thing in cutting her communication though. I was a victim of grooming, I suppose you could say at 13 I was nieve. So definately make sure she is safe. Don't be afraid to lay down the law, I promise you she will hate you for it, but in the long run, she'll realise your only doing it for her benefit!


----------



## Avalnda

I'm only 18, I shouldn't be in this section :blush: but i did feel like adding my input.

My parents were always super open with me, they're a little wild sometimes and too comfortable for me. They were never strict with me, they obviously taught me manners and how to be polite, they had a time they'd want me to come home at, but they were pretty much just like "be honest with us, and we won't have a problem. We'd rather know what you're doing and talk about it, than have you hiding it from us and sneaking around" which i appreciate because I did talk to them about most stuff, and yes as a kid i still hid things because i was embarrassed. But for the most part, i never felt that need to rebel against them. I did my share of cybering, but it was more me testing the waters and i'm glad i did THAT instead of going around testing things in real life.. I've always been a good girl because i never felt like i couldn't do anything. I don't know, i just feel like if you talk to your kids and let them feel like they can talk to you without constantly getting into trouble, than you'll take away that rebellious element, and they won't be as likely to do something stupid just out of anger toward you. 

My best friend is now a drunk, she crashed into the chief of narcotics while she was drunk when she was 17, she's always rollin on E or sleeping with some other guy. and her mom was SO strict with her, she finally got to the point where she had no respect for her mother and she'd just walk out with her middle finger held high. 

another friend stole 2 cars, went to juvy, broke out, got pregnant, and is now on house arrest with her parents, expecting a baby soon. she was also raised by extremely strict parents, and siblings that were always telling her what to do.

i don't know, i mean i know it's not always the case, but the only friends i have left are the ones whose parents weren't strict, because we're all working and graduated, we have futures and are happy sober, watching movies, having dinner with our parents..

one more note, my mother was extremely over protected, she was adopted, an only child, so i see where my grandparents were coming from, but my mom did drugs in high school, got pregnant at 17, left home at 18, she's still wild, sometimes i feel like i have to kind of instill calm nature she's lacking since she's always been so rebellious. oh mother, she's such a rebel. i love her though :haha:

just my experiences, all people are different. I hope things get better soon. Just remember that communication is one of the most important things. :hugs:


----------



## Avalnda

Also, just wanted to add that I too am disturbed by the young age of which kids are getting into sex.. It makes me extremely sad to see kids as young as 13 carrying a baby around, that's not the way a teen should spend their middle school and high school years. it's hard enough being a teen without adding in sex and a child.

My gyno told me that she has 7 14 yr old patients that are currently pregnant... 7!! My high school had 300 kids. I don't live in a big city... very few doctors around, so when i heard this, i was so upset. I know I'm young, but my OH and I are waiting, we have lots we want to do before having children, I'm blessed i get to accomplish so many things with the man i love, instead of struggling to raise a baby at 14..


----------



## emilyjade

wow! i think your doing a great job with her, yeah alot of this has been a huge shock for you and her dad but just want to congratulate you on how well your doing! your not much older than her so maybe do girlie nights in your bedroom or a different room in the house with face masks and little things like that so you both can have time together and become even closer than you are. IM so sorry she has been attacked and i hope the court case goes as well as can be and you all get some sort of justice. Also to add to this yeah it is quite common for 14 year olds to get sexually active around my area too! x


----------



## jaytee.

From a teens point of view I think you're handling the situation really well! However this must have been so embarassing for her, I know a lot of people that were texting and talking over msn like that and it seems to be quite normal.. although I do not condone it at all because it gives people the wrong impression, at least it's not doing any harm to her health or wellbeing like a real sexual relationship. As for the lying, and the other problems, my stepsister is the same and I do feel it takes some good punishment for them to learn and change!


----------



## jaytee.

Tishimouse said:


> Chloe_toujour said:
> 
> 
> Hmmmm.
> Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..
> 
> Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
> and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
> Be careful when handling that situation. xo
> 
> GOOD LUCK :flower:
> 
> Whereas I appreciate what has been written here and it's always a good thing to receive an answer to your messages, some of what has been written isn't actually correct. I am also saddened by the lol at the end of stating that almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. Not a laughing matter.
> 
> Firstly, reading your step-daughter's texts is NOT illegal as there is no such offence or any statute law written in relation to doing so (my brother is a barrister and I have just mentioned it to him ... I won't quote his reply, but he assures me you haven't broken any law and you cannot be sued). I understand why you read them and I also understand other people feeling this as an invasion of privacy. It is a mixture of both, but you have read them under special circumstances with a view to helping the girl - not vindictively, but out of love.
> 
> I am saddened to read that almost everybody in this girls world aged 14 is sexually active, particularly as I see this as cutting childhood short for these individuals and find it hard to actually call them 'children' if they have moved forward into adulthood so early. A sign of the times I guess. However, in my family, the young teenagers are not sexually active, but very open in conversation with not a blush to be seen when speaking about sex, etc. I welcome this as sex should not be a taboo subject, but I strongly believe waiting until at least the legal age for having intercourse would be better. This way a child can have more of a childhood (I'm a true traditionalist ... and of course an idealist, so I don't expect everyone to agree).
> 
> The legal age for sexual intercourse is 16, so anybody who has sexual intercourse with a minor under the age of 16 IS committing an offence. If someone is sexually active under the age of 16 with another person over the age of 16, it is the older person who will get into trouble with the law, as the child under 16 is not deemed old enough in law to give consent. It's a funny old world we live in.
> 
> That said, I wish you luck dealing with your 14 year old step-daughter. Life brings all sorts of problems that are difficult to deal with. I think I would be tempted to remove the computer from the bedroom whilst the younger girls are sharing to protect _them as_ prevention is better than cure. However, if this little girl is already sexually active (whether cyber or not) then I doubt you will be able to stop her. It sounds like a good subject to include in her therapy to make sure she is aware of the 'bigger picture'. I have since read the remaining posts and can see that you are making progress. I really admire you and believe your posts here will help others who have similar problems and need advice.
> 
> Take care :hug:Click to expand...

I totally agree with everything you have said here. And don't worry, where I live only a tiny minority of teens are sexually active at 14. Talking about sex with your parents more openly actually prevents you from having underage sex, in my opinion. It did with me, and all the people I know who waited had good relationships with their mothers especially and talked about it.


----------



## jaytee.

Sorry for the 3 messages but I keep forgetting, could I also add that imo people are saddened and moan about the fact that children are getting sexually active at a younger age, but really the parents do have a huge part to play in controlling that and encouraging different, and children don't bring themselves up!


----------



## samface182

IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo. your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.

tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex


----------



## Abigailly

Chloe_toujour said:


> Hmmmm.
> Ok im only 17 and my mum did all that stuff with me (although i didnt really do anything) but it just made me hate her and fight with her more. Like me and my mum had such a good relationship when i was a child, and we do still talk all the time and hang out but its just not the same. Because she gets so angry easily and verbally abusive (name calling and all). But tbh. the way you took all your stepdaughters stuff away? thats just gonna make her hate you more. I mean you did handle the situation well- but you dont want her hating you..
> 
> Plus. almost all 14 year olds are sexually active. trust me. Lol.
> and reading her texts is illegal. even if you do suspect something. She could actually sue you for doing that.
> Be careful when handling that situation. xo
> 
> GOOD LUCK :flower:

She's 14 year old?! Its not her job to be her friend, first and foremost her job is to protect her! I'm not having a go at you, its the general 'I want to be your friend' attitude that bugs me. 
I wasn't sexually active at 14 (I'm only 20 now!!), nor was my sister, nor are any of the girls I look after now!! And yes I know these things, I live in a tiny community, gossip spreads.

From what I've read you've handled it perfectly. Something like that needs to be stopped! Especially as you're her step mum, you'll always have a 'difficult' relationship with her.


----------



## Abigailly

samface182 said:


> IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo.* your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case*. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.
> 
> tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex

It is at 14!! And if its on her mobile then it is personal, it will mean its either local guys which could mean its more, or it could mean she is handing out her number on line -which is just dangerous!!


----------



## mumof2girls

Hi just a quick update again! Court didnt go well about the assault as her strongest witness didnt turn up in the end she decided not to go through with it which the prosecutor agreed with as it was a weak case anyway.

Started to give her a little back as it has been a few months now and I put her on my laptop in the living room in front of me and oh.... well oh asked her to do something for him and she left the laptop on the arm of sofa and a message of her bf flashed up so I went 2 tell him she would be back in a minute and he was asking if she was still ok with doing a picture for him!!! Has the girl learnt nothing???? So we had another row..... oh took her phone and checked it and she has been sneaking out of lessons to meet him at school and has arranged to have sex with him!!! Oh went mad as any dad would and she clammed up and refused to talk so sent her to bed and knew oh was out the next morning so I had a chat with her then.... she opened up to me and said she wants to do it coz everyone else is I then told her that although I understand what shes sayin shes still 14 and its still illegal and told her to come to me anytime with problems. She didnt go to school that day as it was last day and need 2 keep her away from this boy until I find out why the teachers are letting her out of class!!! She really did open up to me and im so happy.... im gutted for her that she now has no phone and internet again for abusing her dads trust! Looks like im gonna have my hands full with this one eh. Thanks for all your replies xxx


----------



## Mrs_B

If this boy is of school age you need to talk to his parents and let them know what he is trying to talk your daughter into doing. 
Well done so far, I started having sex from an early age, and had much *much* older boyfriends behind my parents back. It really did me no good, and got me into some VERY dangerous situations! I wish I had had someone stopping me from getting into trouble in retrospect! If you need someone to talk to her about where her behaviour is leading, from experience, send me a private message as it's all a bit TMI for here...


----------



## cabaretmum2b

Dear me. First port of call: talk to the teachers, and find out WHY they are letting her out of lessons?!?
You're doing very well by talking to her about it and not just flipping out 24/7 - it will be difficult, as I think anyone who has been a 14 year old girl will tell you, but you really are doing well, and if you can keep it up then she will thank you later!


----------



## newmommy23

You're doing the right thing. I'd reccomend a nanny program. and she's lucky you aren't me cuz I would have taken the entire computer. and it's absolutely not illegal to read your minor stepchild's text messages. I can't even imagine having a cellphone at 14, but I wasn't lucky like that! I'm sure she's not paying the bills so that is your property.


----------



## newmommy23

why are they letting her out of lessons? that's horribly and wildly inappropriate! I wasn't even thinking about sex when I was 14, but 14 year olds today...seems to be more popular? I'm not sure I think it's a peer pressure thing which is very sad. keep trying to be there for her, and keep a very close eye on her. not to sound like a nazi or something, but maybe she needs to have things taken away from her for longer? I know it sounds harsh but you're doing the right things, just seems like only for short terms. Doesn't seem like she's learning a lot, sadly. Although maybe she's doing it more since you are saying not to? Ugh I don't know. what a hard situation. Makes me so scared for my daughter to get here.


----------



## samface182

Abigailly said:


> samface182 said:
> 
> 
> IMO, a girl at 14 is just discovering sex and so will the boys that she is having this 'cyber sex' with. i know it's tough, but your daughter is just growing up and is curious about sex. taking her sim card off her etc, wont help matters imo.* your almost making out that sex is wrong, which isn't the case*. of course you want her to wait til she is older and finds the right person to have sex with IRL. but talking about it with people or having 'cyber sex' is just curiosity. unless you have reason to believe it has went further.
> 
> tbh, i remember doing things like this when i was younger, it was harmless, i was simply curious about sex
> 
> It is at 14!! And if its on her mobile then it is personal, it will mean its either local guys which could mean its more, or it could mean she is handing out her number on line -which is just dangerous!!Click to expand...

all im saying, is i remember how curious about sex i was at 14


----------



## BabyNameLover

mumof2girls said:


> Hi really dont know what to make of all this but last night I borrowed my step daughters phone to transfer some pics that she had taken of my 2 girls. I came across one that was a shot of her comouter screen on msn.... I looked on zoom and she has been having cyber sex with a number of lads. The stuff she and these lads have been saying is very explicit and far from the "norm" you may expect from some 14 year olds. I have told her off in the past as she has a new boyfriend every other week and said it did not leave a good impression of herself . After reading the chat conversations on the photo I had no choice but to go through her texts and there were more..... now she wouldnt have had chance 2 delete coz I went in her room and asked to borrow phone she couldnt have said no coz then id have known she was hiding something. Anyway I told her I was banning her from computer and I have changed all her passwords and security questions on facebook and msn and emails etc and have confiscated her sim card and given her one and said only we are allowed the number etc. I hate taking all this away from her but what choice do I have? I spoke to her Dad who didnt want to know what she had been writing as you can imagine he was livid and gave her a right telling off but the thing is she doesnt see why its wrong and isnt even bothered!!!
> 
> We have had a lot of problems with her in the past lying, stealing etc. She has no contact with bio mum and we currently go to family therapy due to her problems which I thought was working.... our relationship was back on track and I had started to trust her a lot more and give her more freedom..... thing is could it have stopped at internet chats and texts or could she have gone further? I have asked her but she says no but how can I believe her.... advice please im worried about her and im only 21 myself and never did anything like that. Ti be fair I have punished her exactly how I would punish my own 2 girls if they ever did anything like that and her Dad fully backs up my decision to remove priviledges.

I think in my opinion this is harsh and in years to come she will hate you for what you did. Trust me on this. You could have talked to her first without going ahead on doing these actions. She will remember this at some point and ask herself why it wasn't handled differently. 

Laura :wacko:


----------



## KrisKitten

Quite frankly i think all of this 'you're going to make her hate you' stuff is complete and utter rubbish.
Im only 18 so im not talking as someone who doesnt know how a 14 year old thinks, especially considering i lost my virginity at 14. But imo you have done everything right, stuff like that can't be condoned. Shes should be taught to respect herself and her body and appreciate that sex and sexual activities are meant to be special.
I dont really think telling her off for it is saying that sex is bad? Its saying that allowing herself to be used that way at her age isnt meant to be right. If she thinks its ok to do then she won't think twice about offering herself up, there should be some reservations at least. And she should know that it isnt approved of.
Parents are there to teach kids the principles of right from wrong, if they do well then the kids will learn what the grey areas are themselves. 
If she grows up to hate you for taking away her facebook then im willing to bet there are a few more serious problems there :wacko:
xxx


----------



## mumof2girls

I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.

To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.

I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???


----------



## BabyNameLover

mumof2girls said:


> I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.
> 
> To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.
> 
> I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???

I agree I was a bit harsh over saying she will hate you. Fourteen, when your in high school, you are going to be exposed to sex etc. If her friends are doing it, then maybe she wants to fit in. At fourteen she shouldn't be having sex or even cyber sex. I would have done a six month ban not change all her passwords. This is extreme in my opinion, because I think she could just go and make another account using another e-mail. Many people have many different e-mails accounts. 

A stepmum is harder because you don't want to replace the mum but you want to be a good influence. Have you spoken to her mum about it? I'm thinking back to my childhood and if her father, has little to do with her, she's probably doing cyber sex as a way of releasing.


----------



## KrisKitten

mumof2girls said:


> I havent and would never tell her off for wanting sex because of course she does all her mates are doing it but what I am telling her that its not right for her while shes still 14! I truly believe that if I do flip out on her about sex then it will make her have some sort of idea that its dirty and wrong and its not its completely normal all her feelings are normal.... if a little premature so I havent flipped out I have talked to her.
> 
> To the posters who say she will hate me then I disagree and I am going to wait for the day she has a daughter and has to tackle these issues because then she will know how hard it was and she wont hate me..... she doesnt hate me now we now have an open honest relationship like a step mum and daughter should have but please dont expect me to let her get on with it because if I did that then I will have failed at my job to protect her. I found out and I know all about it therefore I cannot turn a blind eye. I also think if I let her carry on like this then she will think I dont love her or care about her and thats the last thing I want.
> 
> I think being a step mum is harder than being a mum but I think im doing ok...... im never gonna be perfect as I havent been through this with even my own girls yet so of course im gonna get things wrong but if we're honest what parent always gets it right???

Speaking as someone with a stepmum whom i adore I think you're doing a great job :thumbup: xxx


----------



## mumof2girls

If I hadnt have changed the passwords she could easily log on at school or a friends house! She couldnt make another account without me knowing as somebody on facebook would notice.
I cant speak to her mum she has no contact with her mum and hasnt done since 2002! Her mum is not allowed anywhere near her by court order. If she had a mum who was involved in her life then I wouldnt feel the need to step in but as she has no female guidance as such I feel like its my job in a way.... that may seem wrong but the girl needs some feminine influence x 

Thank you KrisKitten thats made my day.... sometimes its nice to hear your doing ok because sometimes I cant help but feel a failure x


----------



## KrisKitten

Its tough being a stepmum i know, me and mine have had many conversations about trying to avoid the 'wicked stepmum' role. All you can do is try your best, and if you do that, try and take into account her feelings and try and steer her the best way then you're doing a good job :thumbup:
:hugs:
Don't doubt yourself hun, even if she gets mad sometimes now one day she'll grow up and she'll be able to see you only ever try your best for her :hugs: xxxx


----------



## KandyKinz

I'm sorry your having such a hard time with your step daughter... You must be finding everyday life very stressful.

I unfortunately don't have too much in terms of advice as to how to fix it but I do have some comments based on my own personally experiences.. When I was a 14 year old girl, I was very much "into" sex. I loved reading erotica, I had blast cybersexing and that was also the year I lost my virginity. Frankly, sex can be a whole lotta fun and I think it's nearly impossible to teach a curious teenager otherwise! With that said, I think it's definitly important to teach your step daughter some thorough sex ed. There is alot of misconceptions out there and some of them could potentially land her pregnant or worse she could become infected with a dangerous STI. 

I'd also like to comment on punishments and parental control. I had a very overprotective mother. My curfew was way earlier then all of my friends, I wasn't allowed to walk anywhere alone, I wasn't allowed at any friends house without her first meeting her parents and one of the worst things that I hated was she was always spying on me.... She'd hack into my e-mail accounts and read my IM's. I'd get caught cybersexing and she'd take away my computer privileges for months and months. It really made me grow resentful. I absolutely HATED how I had no freedom of expression, no privacy... It drove me absolutely crazy to the point where I purposely became pregnant at 16 so I'd have an excuse to leave home. So while yes it is important to teach teenagers rights and wrongs it's also important that you still allow them to live their lives......


----------



## Kandie37

My 13 year old niece got in trouble last school year for sexting and my stepdaughter told me a few months ago that the same neice has already lost her virginity! Kids these days are trying to grow up way to fast. My 17 year old is already wanting a baby. Why can't they just be kids!


----------



## Stepbrother

She is online doing very dirty shows on webcam for much older men she meets in chat rooms. 20-30yo men and different each week. I told my dad what she was doing and the Internet is disabled until we figure something else out.

No matter what you've read saying it's normal, it is totally unsafe, msn etc can be recorded and videos and pics can be uploaded onto the Internet which would be highly sought after.

I want every parent to know not to let your daughter trust them not to record it. It's so easy to set up to record and 8/10 times they will be recording. Webcams are so evil. It's turned her into a sl?t before she's even had a bf.


----------



## aob1013

huh?


----------



## special_kala

i dont think them recording it would be the issue, surely them doing it at all is?


----------



## hopeandpray

Tbh I don't think that you could blame webcams! She must have some fairly serious self esteem issues that need to be worked on it that is the way that she feels she can get positive attention


----------



## KrisKitten

Stepbrother said:


> She is online doing very dirty shows on webcam for much older men she meets in chat rooms. 20-30yo men and different each week. I told my dad what she was doing and the Internet is disabled until we figure something else out.
> 
> No matter what you've read saying it's normal, it is totally unsafe, msn etc can be recorded and videos and pics can be uploaded onto the Internet which would be highly sought after.
> 
> I want every parent to know not to let your daughter trust them not to record it. It's so easy to set up to record and 8/10 times they will be recording. Webcams are so evil. It's turned her into a sl?t before she's even had a bf.

Sorry but who are you? You are her stepbrother, so OP's son? But OP just has 2 little girls? Or are you her brother? In which case why is your username StepBrother?
Sorry, i don't mean to be rude but I'm seriously confused, this is an old thread and you haven't introduced yourself....:wacko:


----------



## AppleBlossom

^^ I assume it was someone who Googled and thought they would just post a "new thread" on this thread iykwim?


----------



## KrisKitten

I thought that at first but he's talking like it's about the same person? I just don't get it lol maybe i'm just being slow..


----------



## annawrigley

I think the title to his post was his introduction,and its not about the same girl as in the OP x


----------



## KrisKitten

Aaaaaaaah! :thumbup:


----------



## annawrigley

Super sleuth thread stalker over here


----------



## KrisKitten

:haha:


----------



## jellytot3

Sorry I cannot give advice, didnt want to read and run.
Hope everything gets sorted xx


----------



## DerbyGirl

Hey there,

I have just read through this thread and I just wanted to add my tuppence worth... (sorry I know this is old but if the OP still reads, maybe it could help) I have been heavily involved in my niece's life (now 18) and she went through and is still going through some similar things.

It sounds like, for whatever reason, this poor girl is so desperate for approval from these lads that she will essentially do whatever they ask to keep them happy. It screams low self esteem and lack of confidence in saying "no". Have you ever looked into who initiated these incidents? My money would be on the lads personally but it isn't unusual for girls to seek approval/comfort from the opposite sex if they feel bad about themselves... I see you are working with the school so I hope that maybe through that she has perhaps received some kind of counselling. It may be helpful. Good luck! xxxx


----------



## Ribbleroo

You might consider installing an Internet filter on your computer. K9 Web Protection is free and works really well IMO. 

You can enforce google safe search and block social networking sites if you wish.

However, I believe it is not just what they can get to but how long they are online. Online and bored = trouble. We have found that restricting the amount of time they spend online is as important as a filter. For that I would recommend Computer Time. It's not free but it works well. 

Hope that helps someone


----------



## AppleBlossom

Lot of people searching "daughter having cyber sex" on the internet I see... This must be the number one link on Google for it :lol:


----------

