# today i discovered hell is a place on earth and it is only going to get worse...



## amotherslove

i posted this is the miscarriage section too.. i dunno where i fit.. i was just hitting 12 weeks.. i dont know when second tri starts.. and my baby.. is a baby.. and.. god i dont know..

this morning before my class i went to the washroom, and when i wiped there was a bit of brown discharge... honestly.. i didn't even think it was cause for panic logically.. but emotionally i lost it so my mother and i went to the hospital... after a transvaginal US, abdominal US and bloodwork, they have confirmed that my baby has no heartbeat and my hcg is low.. hasn;t grown since my last scan which was at 10weeks.. they told me my options.. said i could wait to see if she passes naturally.. or take a pill to open the cervix.. or have a dnc... i'm.. wrecked. 

i know this doesn';t mean anything to those who CAN have other kids. it's just as rough, because ut's THAT baby... but.. the man who got me pregnant.. the love of my life.. has left me.. i can't try again.. i wanted this so bad.. my cousin is due the same date as me.. my friend is due around then as well.. everyone around me has babies and is pregnant.. and why me? why? i did everything right.. i don't understand.. my baby is inside of me.. dead... and i'm just waiting to expell her? the hospital gave me a container to put her in if i wish to bury her... it looks like a tub of icecream.. this is all so morbid... i want to be sick everywhere...:cry:


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## jaykay

I'm so sorry to hear your story. I lost my baby boy at 22weeks after going into prem labour. I've had no answers yet, and it was the worse experience of my life, i don't think i'll ever get over it. I hope you have got a supportive family, and the your hospital is offering support to. Take one day at a time xxx:hug:


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## mhazzab

I am so, so sorry you are having to go through this, and that you don't have your partner to support you, I'm glad you have your mum/mom for support though.

What you are going through is horrible you will have many emotions running through you from sadness and fear to anger and they will change at the drop of a hat. 

Sometimes there's just no reason for this happening, and it just isn't fair.

As for other people having the same due date, yes, that will be hard for you, i had the same problem, but, if they are true friends, they will understand how hard this is for you and give you space if you need it. Unfortunately after a loss, it does seem like the whole world is pregnant, I felt that too.

We will do what we can to support you, hugs xxx


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## amotherslove

thank you.. i just.. i'm like crying out for help.. but.. nobody can help me. i just want this all to stop...


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry, this is just horrible that you are going through this :cry::cry::cry: I am glad you have your mother there, I don't want you to be alone. I don't know what to say I wish i could comfort you or even hold your hand while you go through this :cry::cry::cry:
All I can do is tell you I am here if you need to talk or need a friend:cry::cry::cry:
We all are here for you. I lost my Ava at 18 and half weeks, but I gave birth to her on my toilet . I know how devastating this is :cry::cry::cry:
I am just so sorry, i am thinking of you and sending you prayers of strength.
XOXOXOOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## v2007

I am so sorry. 

:hugs:

V xxx


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## amotherslove

my close friend lost her taylor at 15 weeks i believe and she too gave birth on her toilet.. i don't want to have to do that.. 

i don't know.. at this point i wish i had gotten the pill they offered because i thought.. maybe if i didnt take it.. it wouldnt happen right away.. and now it's happening.. and the blood is happening.. and it's going to be slow.. the dnc would be nice because i already have to see michael (the babys father) everytime i walk into my house.. i don't want to have to remember the death of lily when i go to my bathroom..but with the dnc you only get a nurse.., i dont wanna do it alone..


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## KamIAm

Hi Sweetie ...and unfortunately welcome... :hugs:

I will say up front I do NOT know what you are going through or feeling like with all these thoughts and descisions ahead but I can say I know how it feels to loss your baby.... My Emma was perfectly healthy, it was me that failed her... I went into premature labor and she was born sleeping at 19.4weeks.... 

I am terribly sorry and hate that you are now here in this journey! It's a long journey but you are in the right place... I found so much love, support and understanding from all these ladies... They was/are my life line:hugs:

Please know there is NO wrong or right way in this... You do what is best for YOU ... My one lesson learned... :flower: 

I will say a prayer for you and your lil one... :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

amotherslove said:


> my close friend lost her taylor at 15 weeks i believe and she too gave birth on her toilet.. i don't want to have to do that..
> 
> i don't know.. at this point i wish i had gotten the pill they offered because i thought.. maybe if i didnt take it.. it wouldnt happen right away.. and now it's happening.. and the blood is happening.. and it's going to be slow.. the dnc would be nice because i already have to see michael (the babys father) everytime i walk into my house.. i don't want to have to remember the death of lily when i go to my bathroom..but with the dnc you only get a nurse.., i dont wanna do it alone..

I was supposed to get a D&E, I don't know if you know what that is but I would not put my Ava or myself through that. So i do agree having her on the toilet was traumatic, but it was so much better than what they would have done if I would have gotten the D&E. I got to bury my precious angel and that would not have been possible with the D&E. So in the end I accepted how it happened and felt that was best for me, not best for everyone, just for me..
Again I am so so sorry for your loss :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## amotherslove

what am i supposed to do with my baby after,.. i want to bury her.. but i cant very well go bury her in the backyard.. even if i HAD a backyard (i live in an apartment) i'm broke.. what do i do...?


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## MissingRyder

Some funeral homes in my area bury the babies at a reduced cost. You may check into that. I've also read on here where some bury their babies in a flower pot that they can move when they don't have a permanent place. There is no right or wrong answer it's whatever your heart has to do to feel right. Think it through and go through all your options. God Bless you and I'm very sorry you are having to go through this..... it's NOT easy and the most heartbreaking thing I ever had to go through.


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## young_n_proud

I really don't know what to say but I didn't want to R&R, I just wanted to give you hugs and you'll be in my thoughts


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## amotherslove

i'm going to call in the morning and am considering having lily cremated and possibly keeping her in an urn.. i don't know.. it's all so morbid.. i'm not good at death..


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## v2007

If you local hospital organises the funeral with you and their funeral directors, you don't have to pay. 

:hugs:

V xxx


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## amotherslove

i dunno if thats true here in canada:(


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## mhazzab

amotherslove said:


> i dunno if thats true here in canada:(

hopefully someone in here is from Canada and might be able to give you some advice. You said you posted in the miscarriage section too, that section is probably busier than this one so I hope someone else can help you out. Because my twins were born at the stage they were (23 weeks) legally we had to either cremate or bury them at a cemetary. I can't even try to imagine how hard it must be to be just given a container by the hospital.

I'm in the UK, and a lot of funeral directors do free funerals for babies. For our twins, the hospital actually paid, they said it was because they were not born alive (well, one was, but that's another story). However, I don't know if it's different if you give birth at home.

Please keep us updated with how you are getting on, we will be worrying about you xx


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## collie_crazy

I am so sorry you are going through this and feel so alone :( Please know that we are all here for you if you ever need to talk / ask questions or even just have a rant :hugs: 

Can you phone your hospital and see if they know of arrangements for after you have had your baby? A lot of hospitals / funeral homes have arrangements in place to care for babies who are born too soon. So if your hospital does not have any arrangements in place try phoning some funeral homes - I hope they can help you :hugs: 

This is not something any mother should have to do :cry: I'm sorry :cry:


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## mhazzab

collie_crazy said:


> Can you phone your hospital and see if they know of arrangements for after you have had your baby?

this is a really good idea - our hospital chaplain was actually the person who sorted out all the funeral arrangements for us...

We had originally been a bit sceptical about seeing her, as we are not religious in the slightest, but she was fantastic. I'm not sure we could have done it ourselves, we were a mess.

xx


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## KamIAm

My local hospital paid for everything, burial..lil memorial service, I just had to pay for a marker if I wanted one.... Yes, I got one :flower: So, definately ask your hospital or doctor

Also, I was given the pill once they seen my labor was no stopping .... I do not regret that descision... I didnt have to go days in labor, but instead I only took 6 hours to deliver Emma.... :shrug: They offered to do a D&E but once i heard what that was ..I couldn't do that... 

One regret I do have now..... Wish I would of had her cremated.... I have never heard of the flower pot idea, now that is great as well for tiny ones :thumbup: 

Keep us posted if you need anything!

Big Hugs!!!!


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## winterwonder

:hugs: I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. :flower:

Like the others have said your hospital is probably the best place to seek advice, i know ours sorted everything out for us, we had a communal cremation which is something that our hospital specifically did for ladies who lost their babies between 12-24weeks, and then the babies ashes were spread over a butterfly garden, which we wanted as like you we dont have a garden.


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## BMR3

So sorry for you loss. I kinda no what your going through. I lost my dd at 19 weeks and I choose the D&C because I personlly didn't think that I could handle giving birth to my baby like that. And my doc and I discussed my options but I still wanted a d&C because I wanted to know that my dd and the placenta came out perfectly so it could get tested. It was the right descion for me. Good luck!!

BMR3


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## kiki04

I am in Canada as well and the hospital took care of ALL the arrangements. She was cremated, and they did the memorial service. I just had to show up :flower:

I am so sorry you have to join us though. It alwasy breaks my heart when new people join because I know the pain... we all do and wish no one else ever ever EVER had to feel that :cry: Anytime you need someone to hold your hand to make it through another day, we will be here :hugs:


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## BMR3

I also wanted to add, when discussing my options about going home and letting my body miscarry naturally I asked what do I do sit on the toilet? My doc said that was an option but she suggested for me when I thought it was time for the baby to come out to lay in the bath tub. She said that way I would have less contamination for testing. 
Wishing you luck!

BMR3


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## DueSeptember

amotherslove said:


> i'm going to call in the morning and am considering having lily cremated and possibly keeping her in an urn.. i don't know.. it's all so morbid.. i'm not good at death..

*Usually when a Baby is already gone before you deliver the Hosp pays for it and everything is Free....If the Baby is Born after you Deliver then you have to pay..

I'm sorry for your Loss...it is so unfair and I feel you on friends and family having their babies everyone had their baby I'm the only one who Lost mine *


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## SarahJane

I am so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Jaydasmama

My heart hurts for you, please do your best to stay strong.... im in somewhat of the same situation,my amniotic fluid is at 3 and i am 21 weeks. Ive seen 3 OB's and a Perintaologist theyve all said the same thing. All I can do is wait. the emotions we as mothers go through, through these tough times are almost umbareable. Ive read a lot of poems and others stories. they somewhat help a little but nothing will take the pain away. Keep your head up


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## kiki04

Jaydasmama said:


> My heart hurts for you, please do your best to stay strong.... im in somewhat of the same situation,my amniotic fluid is at 3 and i am 21 weeks. Ive seen 3 OB's and a Perintaologist theyve all said the same thing. All I can do is wait. the emotions we as mothers go through, through these tough times are almost umbareable. Ive read a lot of poems and others stories. they somewhat help a little but nothing will take the pain away. Keep your head up

Hun I will be praying for you :hugs: Viability begins at 24 weeks so if you can make it til then baby still has a fighting chance :hugs: :hugs:


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## amotherslove

Hey girls, I'm in the hospital now, we've been waiting for lily to be born, but so far there's not much happening, cervix is open, they said they can see some tissue on its way out. They gave me the pills to jump start it... Hoping they work. I just got admitted for the weekend. :(


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## collie_crazy

:hugs: I am so sorry you are going through this, I am thinking of you :hugs:


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## MummyStobe

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

The ladies on this site are all amazing, please know that we are all here to help and support you in any way that we can.

Thinking of you and sending hugs xx


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## yazoo

:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Oh I've only just seen theis thread, just wanted to wish you lots of love, I hope it goes as peacefully as possible for you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the hospital sorts out some kind of memorial for you so you can have some closure. Huge hugs xxx


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## amotherslove

Been here over 24 hours.. Two doses of the pills and nothing, I'm considering dnc at this point. I just need to be assured by the hospital that I will get lilys remains. Its so much to handle


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## mhazzab

amotherslove said:


> Been here over 24 hours.. Two doses of the pills and nothing, I'm considering dnc at this point. I just need to be assured by the hospital that I will get lilys remains. Its so much to handle

Oh I'm so sorry this is going so slowly for you that's the last thing you need. Do whatever is right for you just make sure you get all the info you need before making a decision. Keep us updated, I really wish I could do something more to help you xxx


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## amotherslove

have now been kicked out of hospital, they needed my bed.. they sent me home to do it here.. but i'm feeling a little more comfortable with the whole thing now i think. so worn.. so emotional.. ugh. they said the doc would call me monday morning to see what can be done at that point if lily hasn't come along yet...


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## dnlfinker

I am sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for you loss. Please try not to do D& E . I did it in July , my biggest regret!


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## amotherslove

dnlfinker said:


> I am sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for you loss. Please try not to do D& E . I did it in July , my biggest regret!

isn't the d&e different from the d&c? i'm so confused


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## Andypanda6570

amotherslove said:


> dnlfinker said:
> 
> 
> I am sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for you loss. Please try not to do D& E . I did it in July , my biggest regret!
> 
> isn't the d&e different from the d&c? i'm so confusedClick to expand...

I am thinking of you and praying also, I am so so sorry you are going through this :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
You DO NOT have to get a D&E and yes they are very very different. When you are 15 weeks or more the only alternative besides giving birth (I gave birth) is a D&E, the baby is just to big for a D&C, but you are at 12 weeks so you have plenty of time to either get a D&C or naturally . 
Don't be confused you do not have to get a D&E..
XOXXOO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## mhazzab

how are you? xxxx :hugs:


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## amotherslove

coping.. started passing some.. tissue today.. it looks like stuff is going to come out in.. pieces.. i'm a little bit hurt.. i'm scared still.. i'm hoping theres.. enough to have cremated..but i'm ready for this to be over.. what the difference between d&c and the d&e??


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## Nikki_d72

I'm not sure hon, didn't want to r&R, but maybe have a read through the sticky at the top of the miscarriage section called miscarriage myths or something like that, I'm pretty sure it covers everything you need to know, not just myths. I read it a while back and it covers all sorts of procedures, as well as what to expect at different gestations - it may help you I think. 

Wishing you the gentlest time possible. xxx


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## Vickieh1981

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's not right and no mother should lose her baby.

I am going to be blunt here and hope that I don't upset you as I really don't want to. If you have a baby that is 10 weeks size you will NOT get any ashes from her. Even with stillborn babies sometimes you get nothing back as they are so small but in a 10 week old whose bones are not formed there will definitely be no ashes.

If you want to see your little girl after then do not have the D&C. The way they do them mean that you can't see your angel after.

Not sure how it is in Canada but over here the hospital arrange a service once a month for the lost babies and cremate them all together if you chose to or you can chose to arrange your own funeral. We buried Isabella and the funeral home charged us nothing. The only cost was the £600 for the plot at the cemetery.

Again, I am really sorry for your loss. These shouldn't be things we have to consider.


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## amotherslove

i've already spoken to the hospital and they said if they do the d&c i can almost definitely get the remains back to have them cremated. thanks for your help though.

unfortunately while i found the sticky helpful in ways, it didnt tell me anything new i couldnt find online.. for natural miscarriage i found out more through a friend.. the d&c is still very confusing to me.. but i think i understand it better now. 

i am hoping we can sort this all out with the hospital on wednesday at my appointment


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## Andypanda6570

amotherslove said:


> i've already spoken to the hospital and they said if they do the d&c i can almost definitely get the remains back to have them cremated. thanks for your help though.
> 
> unfortunately while i found the sticky helpful in ways, it didnt tell me anything new i couldnt find online.. for natural miscarriage i found out more through a friend.. the d&c is still very confusing to me.. but i think i understand it better now.
> 
> i am hoping we can sort this all out with the hospital on wednesday at my appointment

I am so very sorry you are going through this..:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Vickieh1981

amotherslove said:


> i've already spoken to the hospital and they said if they do the d&c i can almost definitely get the remains back to have them cremated. thanks for your help though.
> 
> unfortunately while i found the sticky helpful in ways, it didnt tell me anything new i couldnt find online.. for natural miscarriage i found out more through a friend.. the d&c is still very confusing to me.. but i think i understand it better now.
> 
> i am hoping we can sort this all out with the hospital on wednesday at my appointment


Please ask if they will be viewable. I don't want to upset back after a certain stage they cannot get your baby out whole. You will not get any ashes back at this stage even though you can have her cremated


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## sweetcheeks78

:hugs:


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## amotherslove

it's alright with me if i cannot get ashes back, i just dont like the idea of her.. rotting.. *shudders* but, i'm still going to have an urn.. just as a memory.. and it looks as though is have started to finally pass tissues.. not sure she's in there or not.. very confusing time. thanks everyone you're all just wonderful with how you treat men.. especially since even though my mind was moving into second tri, i know my baby wasn't and i can't imagine how hard it must have been to have to hold your baby.. though i think i wouldve liked to.


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## Andypanda6570

amotherslove said:


> it's alright with me if i cannot get ashes back, i just dont like the idea of her.. rotting.. *shudders* but, i'm still going to have an urn.. just as a memory.. and it looks as though is have started to finally pass tissues.. not sure she's in there or not.. very confusing time. thanks everyone you're all just wonderful with how you treat men.. especially since even though my mind was moving into second tri, i know my baby wasn't and i can't imagine how hard it must have been to have to hold your baby.. though i think i wouldve liked to.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I am really so sorry :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## amotherslove

amotherslove said:


> it's alright with me if i cannot get ashes back, i just dont like the idea of her.. rotting.. *shudders* but, i'm still going to have an urn.. just as a memory.. and it looks as though is have started to finally pass tissues.. not sure she's in there or not.. very confusing time. thanks everyone you're all just wonderful with how you treat men.. especially since even though my mind was moving into second tri, i know my baby wasn't and i can't imagine how hard it must have been to have to hold your baby.. though i think i wouldve liked to.

this should say treat *ME lol.. oh boy.

and thanks sweetheart.. moving on somewhat is the goal now<3


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## mhazzab

amotherslove said:


> amotherslove said:
> 
> 
> it's alright with me if i cannot get ashes back, i just dont like the idea of her.. rotting.. *shudders* but, i'm still going to have an urn.. just as a memory.. and it looks as though is have started to finally pass tissues.. not sure she's in there or not.. very confusing time. thanks everyone you're all just wonderful with how you treat men.. especially since even though my mind was moving into second tri, i know my baby wasn't and i can't imagine how hard it must have been to have to hold your baby.. though i think i wouldve liked to.
> 
> this should say treat *ME lol.. oh boy.
> 
> and thanks sweetheart.. moving on somewhat is the goal now<3Click to expand...

:hugs:


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## glbell920

I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the extra emotional anguish of knowing that you can't TTC. Not that you want or will ever replace the angel you just lost but not even having the option to try to conceive is an additional blow. 

My first miscarriage was with someone I loved very much. We were in a very difficult relationship and were separated at the time but I very much wanted my baby regardless of the circumstances. After I lost my baby, of course I knew that the situation wasn't the best to bring a child into so I was somewhat relieved. The fact that I knew we would no longer be together intimately was hard because he was the man I loved and now I had to mourn the loss of my child, my relationship, and the future I thought we might have had.

I wasn't sure if I would ever fall in love again at the time and could not image wanting to conceive with anyone else. Three years later I knew differently. I did find love again and married. We were pregnant only 2 months after we were married. I was ecstatic...he wasn't. He eventually seemed to come around and then the worse thing imaginable happened. I lost my baby at 15 weeks just a little over a month ago. Even though I married, my husband and I don't see eye to eye on whether to have kids or not so I feel similarly to how I felt after my previous loss. I try not to think about TTC'ing because I know in my heart I would try in a heartbeat but my husband is so against it. I don't even know if it's best for me emotionally since I'm still processing losing my baby boy.

I'll pray for you because I know you are in a tough spot emotionally.


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## amotherslove

glbell920 said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the extra emotional anguish of knowing that you can't TTC. Not that you want or will ever replace the angel you just lost but not even having the option to try to conceive is an additional blow.
> 
> My first miscarriage was with someone I loved very much. We were in a very difficult relationship and were separated at the time but I very much wanted my baby regardless of the circumstances. After I lost my baby, of course I knew that the situation wasn't the best to bring a child into so I was somewhat relieved. The fact that I knew we would no longer be together intimately was hard because he was the man I loved and now I had to mourn the loss of my child, my relationship, and the future I thought we might have had.
> 
> I wasn't sure if I would ever fall in love again at the time and could not image wanting to conceive with anyone else. Three years later I knew differently. I did find love again and married. We were pregnant only 2 months after we were married. I was ecstatic...he wasn't. He eventually seemed to come around and then the worse thing imaginable happened. I lost my baby at 15 weeks just a little over a month ago. Even though I married, my husband and I don't see eye to eye on whether to have kids or not so I feel similarly to how I felt after my previous loss. I try not to think about TTC'ing because I know in my heart I would try in a heartbeat but my husband is so against it. I don't even know if it's best for me emotionally since I'm still processing losing my baby boy.
> 
> I'll pray for you because I know you are in a tough spot emotionally.


i'm so sorry you lost your little boy. he really was a gorgeous little thing as i can see in your picture. i'm so sorry your husband doesn't wish to TTC... my ex boyfriend didn't want kids. so i left him. not having kids is not an option. i plan to do it myself next time. IUI seems to be my best bet<3


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## MummyStobe

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Thinking about you and sending big hugs :hugs:


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## KamIAm

Hi Sweetie!!!

Just checkin' in on you!! Sending loves and hugs to you .... :flower:


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## amotherslove

thanks ladies<3


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