# An apology, an explanation and an admission.



## Gnomer

First off. I don't have a clue how many times I have started to write this, been unable to express myself properly, and given up in a fit of frustration. Tonight though, I have promised myself that I will see it to the end. 

I lurk here more than I should. I also don't post anything. Please bare with me whilst I try to explain to you ladies why. Please don't judge until I have got everything out. 

Firstly. I owe you all a massive apology. I will explain my reasons, but first I need you to say how very sorry I am for reading and running. I know all you ask for is a hug, an acknowledgement, but I haven't done this. And for that, I cannot explain how sorry I am. 

I owe you an explanation. And I will try my hardest now, whilst also telling my story. I hope I make sense. 

Last year I was using the implanon contraception. I'd had this new one in a year or so, after previously having one in for 3 years. AF was severely messed up. I could bleed for 6 weeks, and then not bleed for half a year. The first three years the bleeding wasn't as bad. 
I visited my doctor several times and he said it was just hormones, and to persist with it. 
I don't want to ramble, so I will cut to it. After frequent visits to my doctor, I finally got a pregnancy test done. This came back positive, but my HGC level was low. I was sent for a scan. I can't remember much from this in all honesty. I pretty much went through it in a blur. The best way I can explain it is that I've just woken up from a dream, and although the emotions felt very real, I just cannot remember the details exactly. I can just recall snippets. 
I've since tried working out dates and such, but with no success. I had a scan shortly after. I think maybe a week or two later? I can't remember. 

I remember the room i was in for the scan. Very small, very dark. There wasn't much room for anything in there. I don't remember the face of the midwife there. I pretty much lay down and stared at the clock on the wall against the bed. 

I don't remember seeing the screen, and I don't remember much of what the midwife said. I cannot remember the order of what she told me. I just know the fetus measured 16+5, but it had no heartbeat. I don't remember making a follow up appointment. I cannot even remember if what happened next happened on the same day or not. 
I was booked in for a D&C, after being told my options. I just wanted the quickest method to end this. And was advised to have a D&C. 
Then I was sat in this room. Watching a rubbish cookery program thing, on the 12th May 2010. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix, or something to that effect. And then there was this pain. So uncomfortable. I remember pacing around the room, unable to sit still. I could drink or eat before the general anesthetic. And I was so thirsty. And there was all this food and drink on tv. And this pain. This annoying, frustrating pain. 

I had my D&C, and all went smoothly. I sat in my office, and shredded all the documents. Removing this massive burden. The only thing I kept was the hospital bracelet, with my name, DOB and that days date. I'd had my implanon replaced with another. And I pretended it never happened. 

I never grieved. I told a very close friend, but refused to let her attend anything with me. I never cried. I never spoke about it again. I hid in my room during the day. Would let my friend take me out the occasional night. But I felt a strange detachment. My OH came back into my life a month later. I was still feeling this strange detachment, but he was my childhood sweetheart, and had always been someone I trusted completely. 
Slowly I found myself enjoying life again, enjoying his company. Although he kind of knows the reason for my strange, completely un-me-like personality swap then, I have never, ever confided the total truth. I leave out most of the big details. 

I know what a heartless bitch I am. And I know I do not deserve to tell my story here, where so very many of you come for support. I feel incredibly rude. And ashamed. 

Now, my reason for reading this thread, and other loss threads. Bare with me please, I know this is going to sound insane. 

I am currently 16+2 with a very planned LO. I am overjoyed. But I have this shadow. I've had it since we started TTC. I am blessed with good fertility it seems. After having my third implanon out on the 17th February, I was pregnant in under a month. 
At first my shadow stated as a niggle. A feeling I couldn't kick. It grew and grew. I know it is my guilt. After blocking out the events of last May, suddenly I was thinking about it more and more. Where now its constantly on my mind. I started reading your stories. I needed to see how you ladies dealt with it. I needed to know what I did wrong. So very, very wrong. 
I couldn't bring myself to post anything. I'd try, and then I'd get a new wave of guilt and shame, and embarrassment. Who am I to think i can comfort others, when I couldn't even grieve for my loss. I didn't deserve to help. 

But now I am starting to understand. I even think I am starting to grieve. I'm dreaming about my baby. I don't know if its this LO growing inside me, or the one I ignored. Last night, for example, I dreamt about having a premature baby. So small. No longer than my hand, from head to his little tiny, tiny toes. I dreamt I carried it around in a blanket, and it grew and thrived. I woke with this huge feeling of love. Then I remembered my guilt. 

I suppose this thread is made for my own needs. My own selfish need to tell my story, to help my guilt, and maybe even release a bit of my shame. 

I hope you all understand I mean no harm. I haven't explained myself as much as I wanted to. And I fear I might have come across as wanting a pity party. I assure you, my intentions are good.


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## kimmyttcno3

Don't want to read and run hun but sending you a big hug. All of us deal with grief in different way's so who's to say what we should or shouldn't be feeling or acting. xx


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## tootsiegb

sending you love honey, as kimmy said we all grieve differently xxx


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## donna79

:hugs:
We all have our coping mechanisms and everyone deals with it in their own way XX


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## hayley x

:cry: I am so sorry for all you have and are going through. How you 'reacted' to the loss of your baby is personal to you. There is no right or wrong way. the fact you didnt know you was pregnant until that scan that told you you are pregnant but your baby has no heartbeat must have been so much to take in all at once. For you to tell people youre pregnant then tell them baby has died all at once would have been so hard, so I can see why you thought you'd keep it to yourself. I promise you your angel baby wouldnt want you to feel guilt. Guilt is over powering and such a horrible feeling :( theres nothing you could do to change the outcome :( Have you considered any form of counselling? I have found pregnancy after loss to be one of the hardest rollercoasters of my life. Theres so many feelings in there guilt for your angel, guilt for the current baby, if your happy for this baby then you feel you shouldnt be happy cause your other baby is dead. I assure you all the feeling you'll be feeling we've all felt at some point but it really does help to get them out. Grief can be so lonely as well, talking to people who understand really can help. 

Thinking of you and always around if you need to talk. xxx


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## kiki04

OMG honey :hugs: That is such a burdern to ahve carried on your shoulders for so long :cry: I am so glad you finally felt comfortable sharing your story. My first reaction to your story is that you WERE grieving... by shutting the world out and pretending it never happened IMO is a form of grief. You carried that grief with you for a year, but never letting anyone else in to help you. Now that you have another LO on the way and are willing to open up your life and share what happened I feel like you will feel a wave of relief and slowly begin to complete your grieving process. :hugs: And please know that you are a;ways welcome in here... no matter WHAT the story... a loss is a loss and we all need support after a loss regardless of circumstance :hugs:


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## jojo23

awe hun im so sorry you had to go through all this...as many of the ladies have said everyone goes through grief differently and everyone goes through stages of guilt even though we all know we havent done anything wrong... the only thung you can do is admit your emotions and move on, for some that happens quickly and for others years later.

none of us would ever judge you like that and no matter what you think you do deserve to post here and you deserve the support your ready to ask for, i cant imagine how awful it was to go through it alone and it so nice to hear your pregnant again, this is your second chance and your chance to show everyone what a fantastic mother you will be. done ever be ashamed of what your feeling and i think its about time you forgave yourself and grieved for your little angel properly...then you can have this little baby without a doubt in your mind(or heart) lean on your OH when needs be, thats what theyre there for!!!! and always come here for any support you need!! anyone who ignores or judges you doesnt deserve to be here

im always just a message away!!!

lots of love and :hugs: xxxx


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## hannpin

I am so sorry you had to go through that alone. I know how horrible guilt can be, and it is ammazing how your feelings can change in an instant they are shared. We are all here for you xxx :hugs: xx


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## punk_pig

kiki04 said:


> OMG honey :hugs: That is such a burdern to ahve carried on your shoulders for so long :cry: I am so glad you finally felt comfortable sharing your story. My first reaction to your story is that you WERE grieving... by shutting the world out and pretending it never happened IMO is a form of grief. You carried that grief with you for a year, but never letting anyone else in to help you. Now that you have another LO on the way and are willing to open up your life and share what happened I feel like you will feel a wave of relief and slowly begin to complete your grieving process. :hugs: And please know that you are a;ways welcome in here... no matter WHAT the story... a loss is a loss and we all need support after a loss regardless of circumstance :hugs:

I agree with this wholeheartedly:hugs:

Do you think you could tell your OH a bit more now that you've started to open up?


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## DueSeptember

:hugs:


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## cosmicgirlxxx

:hugs:


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## Khadijah-x

Well done for finally plucking up the coirage and posting here x

Hun, dont feel guilty! Everyone deals with the loss of a loved one in many different ways. some like to sit at the grave and weep, others like to drown their sorrows and go out drinking, others like to try and forget it. No way is the wrong way. 
You did what helped you through that time

My granddad died 3 years ago and my aunt said its only just hit her..
Now she's started the grieving process..

You suffered a very traumatic time, the mind works in strange ways to deal with things.
If you feel guilty for not grieving for your baby then maybe you could arrange something in memory of him/her?
Like buy little memorial jewellery, maybe a sponsored run in his/her memory to raise money for a child loss charity?

You have nothing to feel guilty for but doing those things^ may help cure that feeling!

You dealt with your loss in the way you felt right, there is nothing wrong with that.
You love your LO who is off playing in heaven with my angels , and now he/she has a little sibling growing :) and I pray that goes well for you <3 xxxxxxxxxx


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## SarahJane

:hugs:


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## Gnomer

Thankyou so much ladies. After typing that last night, having having very mixed emotions about it all, today I feel a bit of relief. I don't feel as silly. With all these new emotions after ignoring the whole thing for a year, I thought I was starting to lose the plot. I've never been much for opening up and telling people what I'm feeling. I let everyone know everything usually, and just put on the 'I'm not letting it bother me' face. 

Except with this. With this only 2 people in my world know small details. And I cannot tell you how better it feels to have been able to tell my story. 

Thankyou for the support. I cannot explain how nervous I was about saying this. Means so much ladies <3

Oh and to add. I have been debating telling OH today. I know I can, and he will support me. I just don't think I'm ready. I know I have nothing to fear about telling him, but I keep making excuses to myself. Maybe I'll worry him more than I want to. Or maybe I'll stun him into silence, or scare him, or put him on the spot. I think explaining to OH fully is going to be a while off just yet.


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## SatansSprite

Like the other ladies here, I feel like you did grieve, just in your own way. I deal with things much the way you did. I tend to shut off from the world and just, become very emotionally distant about them. I don't share my feelings well either.

It's only been recently Ive learned to start opening up about things, so don't ever feel bad for how you dealt with it. We all do what we need to do, just remember that if you do feel the need to talk, there are some very wonderful and supportive people on this site here.


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## kelzyboo

I'm starting to see that guilt is pretty much the norm when we have been through what we have. Everyone deals with things differently, how one mum grieves isn't the same as another. Don't feel bad for not greiving in the 'right' way, there isn't one. Everything you feel is normal, no-one tells you how to deal with a loss like that, there are no rules to follow to greive 'normally', we are all different so don't feel guilty for anything you feel.

You will always find support here and when your ready, i'm sure your OH will be a huge support to you x x


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## Frustrated194

:cry: :hugs:


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## secretbaby

You have NOTHING to apologise for - if reading and not replying helped you then this forum has done its job, to help people who have been through the unimaginable pain of child loss. 

We all grieve differently - and I totally agree with the post two above -trying to 'forget' and 'blocking out' is a way of dealing with the pain - the immense pain of loosing your baby. I can not even imagine going through loss with only a little support (even if that is how you wanted it) I know that my friends (internet ones and real life ones) often carried me through the very very hard times and I am so glad you posted on here now.

Pregnancy after loss is a terrifying journey, it was one I started with a planned ttc, but it didn't mean that I was not scared every second I was pregnant - sometimes more than others, I used to post on here (and sands) when I was at my wits end, when I felt I could take no more and the lovely ladies here and on sands helped me get through, one day at a time by letting me know that my fears were not stupid, were real based on what I had been through but they were there with me every step of the way. I know that like grief pregnancy after loss and the fears it can bring up are different for all of us - depending on our circumstances of our previous loss. The only piece of advise I have is that remember you are not alone, we are here to support you if you want to post, and here if you don't. It did get easier for me when I passed the stage that I had PPROM and when I passed the stage that my son was born without having had pprom this time.

I will be thinking of you xxx


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## pip7890

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have struggled with the burden of your grief for so long.

I understand your reluctance to share the full story with your OH but when you eventually do I am sure you will feel your burden lift even more.

As many of the other posters have said we all deal with the loss of our babies differently. Have you considered naming your baby, or perhaps planting a tree or writing a poem? There are many different ways we can mark their passing, irrespective of how long they were in our life for.

You have taken a massive step posting on here. Well done.

:hug:

Pip x


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## daopdesign

This will stay with you for the rest of your life, no need to make yourself feel bad. Some of us just get a real sh!t hand dealt sometimes. Only you will can decide what you need to do to cope with your loss. There's plenty of ladies on here that totally understand what you've been though :)


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## Gnomer

Thank you so much. I don't feel as 'unfeeling' now. I put the fact I blocked it out as a sign i didn't care. But I am starting to realise I did actually care. I think its definitely this pregnancy that has made it all come back to the front of my mind. I'm slowly creeping up to 16+5, and I'm a nervous wreck! Along with the dreams and the guilt, its been a rather strange, and stressful, time. 

I think I've been building up to this out pour for a while. I needed to release. And reading this forum has helped me understand so much more. 

I've been thinking about how public I want to go with my past. And I think it will always be something I keep to myself. Maybe one day tell my mum, and definitely tell OH at some point in the near future.


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## daopdesign

God help me too when I get to 16 weeks :( I don't think I'll be able to even start to enjoy my next pregnancy until babies safe in my arms!


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## jojo23

the time will come when you feel ready to tell people hun but until then dont feel overwhelmed by it all. just take it one step at a time and i bet any money that when you do tell your OH it will make you so much closer to each other and you can grieve together. stay strong xxxxx :hugs:


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## Gnomer

Thankyou girls. I hope so much I come to terms with it, and these darn dreams bugger off. As much as I love dreaming about my LO, and I strongly suspect recent dreams have been about my lost LO, I hate waking up then having the sudden reality shock. 



daopdesign said:


> God help me too when I get to 16 weeks :( I don't think I'll be able to even start to enjoy my next pregnancy until babies safe in my arms!

Yep I'm resolving myself to this now. I thought I'd be fine, not a worrier or anything. But this pregnancy has brought about emotions and worries I never even knew existed! 
On the other hand though, I never paid any attention to any of these pregnancy feelings last time, and this time I'm loving being aware of the changes! 
*smooshes* 

And thank you Jojo! My OH is so caring. When the time comes, I know he'll be the best help I could have asked for <3


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## MrsWez

:hugs: How people deal with a loss is individual to the person. You had to deal with a pregnancy and a loss at the same time, and that was no doubt was a shock to you. 

Reading and running sometimes helps to make you feel like you are ready to share because other women are going through a similar loss. No one should judge you on that. 

Good luck with your pregnancy, try not to be too hard on yourself. :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thank you fro being honest it means a lot. xxooxox


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## Tatertot

:hugs:

It's hard to be brave, isn't it?

Don't ever apologize for the way you handled your loss. As some others have said, there's no right or wrong way to grieve or feel. You did the best you could and that's all you have to do.


I hope that you are able to use this site to give you some support. I too read and run more than I should. Sometimes I read things fully intending to post something, but then I can't. I get stuck in my own sadness and can't handle it. Just keep doing the best you can! :hugs:


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## ajraye

:hugs:


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## Hotbump

:hugs:


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## Baby France

:hugs:


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## vermeil

yes we all grieve differently... :hugs: you did absolutely nothing wrong! Do not let the guilt take over and overcome you - let it pass you by, little by little. And yes take the time to grieve this shadow and live the emotions you couldn`t last year


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## Tatertot

vermeil said:


> yes we all grieve differently... :hugs: you did absolutely nothing wrong! Do not let the guilt take over and overcome you - let it pass you by, little by little. And yes take the time to grieve this shadow and live the emotions you couldn`t last year

Nicely said.


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## Doodlepants

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss.
xx


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## Gnomer

I've taken a week out. Not completely out, but mainly trying to figure out where I am with my emotions. 
I've kind of spoken to OH about it, and he agrees with me that I need to do my own bit of grieving now. Although my ignorance last year shows I did actually grieve, I think I need it to be a bit more open to ease my guilt. 

Its strange explaining this guilt. I know its something I shouldn't be letting myself feel. After posting this on here, your replies helped me understand that I wasn't odd and uncaring. I just handled it different. Logic tells me I shouldn't feel guilty for handling it differently. But, I can't help it!

So my action plan. 
First and foremost, I need a place I can associate with my angel. I spent a lot of time on top of a giant hill last year. It was my quiet, thinking spot. I say hill, its more like the edge of a quarry, on the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom. Anyway. It doesn't get much people traffic, and I think its a lovely place to feel close to my LO. Me and OH are going to go up this coming weekend, which is also our anniversary, and have a picnic. I'm going to fill him in on the full story too. Maybe.

Secondly, I need to start being more open with my feelings. Not to the world, but at least to those who love me. Bottling all this up is definitely no good for me. 

And you know. I feel better. As if suddenly I'm through all the confusion, and I kinda know what I need to do. 

thank you all so much! I suppose I jsut needed to hear I wasn't a bad person.


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## Gnomer

I've taken a week out. Not completely out, but mainly trying to figure out where I am with my emotions. 
I've kind of spoken to OH about it, and he agrees with me that I need to do my own bit of grieving now. Although my ignorance last year shows I did actually grieve, I think I need it to be a bit more open to ease my guilt. 

Its strange explaining this guilt. I know its something I shouldn't be letting myself feel. After posting this on here, your replies helped me understand that I wasn't odd and uncaring. I just handled it different. Logic tells me I shouldn't feel guilty for handling it differently. But, I can't help it!

So my action plan. 
First and foremost, I need a place I can associate with my angel. I spent a lot of time on top of a giant hill last year. It was my quiet, thinking spot. I say hill, its more like the edge of a quarry, on the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom. Anyway. It doesn't get much people traffic, and I think its a lovely place to feel close to my LO. Me and OH are going to go up this coming weekend, which is also our anniversary, and have a picnic. I'm going to fill him in on the full story too. Maybe.

Secondly, I need to start being more open with my feelings. Not to the world, but at least to those who love me. Bottling all this up is definitely no good for me. 

And you know. I feel better. As if suddenly I'm through all the confusion, and I kinda know what I need to do. 

thank you all so much! I suppose I jsut needed to hear I wasn't a bad person.


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## chichestermum

:hugs:


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