# Why Does This Pain Never End For Me?



## Andypanda6570

Part of me wants to get stronger but the other part of me is just gone:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: I have been crying ALL day and it wont stop for me, why? I can sit here and type to everyone in need and say it gets better but why isn't it getting better for me? :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
Why do I miss her so much why am i always angry and fighting with my family, why can't i just accept she is gone and move on, why? I can't sleep i dream every night sometimes good sometimes bad, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!! 
Nobody understands me so what is the point in talking to people in my everyday life, there is no support or understanding just telling me to move on and I can't, why am I still stuck, why?

I am so scared if I do get pregnant and lose this child it will break me and I will leave this earth 
that I am sure of. I feel so helpless, I want her back I want to hold her and love her and dress her and feed her.

I really feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown, I try so hard for my 11yr old to keep myself together but he knows he hears me cry every night.
I am afraid that if I don't get better i am not going to make it, I am so lost, i just want my baby back...:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:


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## jennijunni

I will tell you what someone wise me. It is okay to let her go, and it is okay to say goodbye. She will always be with you, but you need to live, and you need to heal, and part of that is letting go. It is so hard, and seems nearly impossible, but you cannot live your life ruled by this grief, and sorrow. Ava would not have wanted that for you. So as sad as it is, it is time to say goodbye. I am so sad for you, because I know your pain, and I dont think it ever fully goes away, but it will get better, if you let it. Lots and lots of hugs and prayers for you. I am thinking of you.


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## Nikki_d72

I think Jenni's said it way better than I could have, hon. You need to give yourself permission to let it go, to let her go. She will always be in your heart but you don't need to punish yourself forever, she would want you to live until you meet again. I don't want to be another one of those people telling you to move on, as I don't think there's a worse phrase to make you feel like you are leaving your wee girl behind and I don't think that's what happens - I think she'll travel your journey with you and she will long to see you smile again.

You're right, you are always there for others, you need to listen to yourself, you are such a brilliant person, Andrea, so kind and thoughtful. The world would be a lot worse a place without you in it, hon. I hope you can get past this darkness soon and try for your rainbow, you can do this and it's OK to do this, she would want a wee sister or brother to watch over with you. xxx


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## Hellylou

Andrea I have been right where you are now, and this is why I am off work again - it comes and goes in waves for me. At the weekend I felt like there really was no point and I didn't want to carry on. Those thoughts are frightening. People may not understand, but talk to them. Talk to us. Talk and talk until those thoughts are released because they eat you up from the inside.

It is and will always be very painful, and Jenni has said it perfectly. All I will add is just remember what that lady said to you that day. Ava is ok, and your prayers are being heard. Hold on to that, and one day you will find some level of acceptance of all this. It's the hardest thing in the world to accept, but you _will_ find a way to live with it, and find some peace. We are all here with you.:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: Thank you SO much, you all are the wise ones. I feel like I type here and I do mean what i say to everyone, but in the meantime I am not moving on like I am telling people they will do in time., It has been 9 months and let me tell you not a day goes by that I don't think of her and wonder what she would look like. I have very thick hair and I just know she would have had my thick dark hair and my husbands light blue eyes. Ava meant so much to me and loosing her has just killed me and my spirit and I really don't think my family (All boys)have no idea of not only the pain I am in but the enormity of it, how could they , they are boys. I am not saying men don't feel this pain, but it is our bodies these precious lives are coming out of . I never believed it when people said a part of their being, soul heart was missing I mean i knew they were in pain but my God how true it is, your just broken and never to be whole again. I would not wish this pain on the devil himself.
I Love You All SO Much, So Much :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:


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## yazoo

Andrea darlin, I am so sorry that you/we have to go through this. I wish you were beside me- I would give you the biggest hug ever. 

Ava was and still is a part of you and it so normal for you to miss her like this. She was going to be your little princess after having 3 boys. Ava really would want you to get better and I truly believe that Ava sent that woman to you because she wanted you to know that she is ok and that she wants you to get better. She would not like for you to have thoughts about being with her right now. She knows that one day you will be with her and you will spend eternity with her and I bet she would say to you "Mommy now is not the time, now is the time for you to be with my brothers and my Daddy. One day God will decide when it is your time to be with me but right now I am happy here with God and my angel friends and I want you to be happy too."

Feeling better does not mean that you love or miss Ava any less because the intensity of your love for her and how much you miss her will always be immense. Do you remember how positive you felt when that woman said them things to you? You were so positive, you truly believed that it was a sign from Ava that she was ok.

I really hope you can find it in yourself to accept that Ava is happy where she is right now and I hope you can find a way out of this terrible grief that engulfs you. You are such an amazing, thoughtful person and I hate that you are going through this. Massive hugs my good friend. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

yazoo said:


> Andrea darlin, I am so sorry that you/we have to go through this. I wish you were beside me- I would give you the biggest hug ever.
> 
> Ava was and still is a part of you and it so normal for you to miss her like this. She was going to be your little princess after having 3 boys. Ava really would want you to get better and I truly believe that Ava sent that woman to you because she wanted you to know that she is ok and that she wants you to get better. She would not like for you to have thoughts about being with her right now. She knows that one day you will be with her and you will spend eternity with her and I bet she would say to you "Mommy now is not the time, now is the time for you to be with my brothers and my Daddy. One day God will decide when it is your time to be with me but right now I am happy here with God and my angel friends and I want you to be happy too."
> 
> Feeling better does not mean that you love or miss Ava any less because the intensity of your love for her and how much you miss her will always be immense. Do you remember how positive you felt when that woman said them things to you? You were so positive, you truly believed that it was a sign from Ava that she was ok.
> 
> I really hope you can find it in yourself to accept that Ava is happy where she is right now and I hope you can find a way out of this terrible grief that engulfs you. You are such an amazing, thoughtful person and I hate that you are going through this. Massive hugs my good friend. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Thank you :hugs::hugs::hugs: Ya know I kept and keep thinking back to that encounter and I say to myself how can I sit here and cry and be so selfish in the sense how many people can say that a total stranger came up to them and said that??????? How many ? She just kept looking at me and I knew that look was her debating if she should approach me and I thank God she did. I should be more grateful , I feel very selfish.
I just want my life back, I want to be whole again. I just miss her so much , thank you for being such a good friend to me :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## mhazzab

Andrea,
I don't think I could ever find any better words to comfort you, than what has been said already, everyone else has said it all so perfectly and I completely agree with everything above.
You mean so much to me, to all of us here, and of course to your husband and sons, and Ava would never want you to leave everyone to be with her, she will watch down on you, a perfect angel, until the time you meet again. Keep hanging onto your encounter with that woman, remember she said that Ava told you she was okay, and that she wants you to be happy...try and remember that, always, I remember how good you told us you felt that day. read back that thread, if you need a reminder of that feeling.
love you xx


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## Andypanda6570

mhazzab said:


> Andrea,
> I don't think I could ever find any better words to comfort you, than what has been said already, everyone else has said it all so perfectly and I completely agree with everything above.
> You mean so much to me, to all of us here, and of course to your husband and sons, and Ava would never want you to leave everyone to be with her, she will watch down on you, a perfect angel, until the time you meet again. Keep hanging onto your encounter with that woman, remember she said that Ava told you she was okay, and that she wants you to be happy...try and remember that, always, I remember how good you told us you felt that day. read back that thread, if you need a reminder of that feeling.
> love you xx

I love you too, so much.. Thanks...:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dnlfinker

My dearest friend,
First of al i want to give you a big hug. I wish i can do it in person or atleast give you a call, but i am stll away. Here is the virtual one though. I know its easily said then done, but we all have our moments ! *Think of it as a good sign, a sign that her memory is kept alive . You have to be strong , strong for Ava because she would not want you to be sad. She sent you a wonderfull message a week ago , because she loves you and feels how much you love her. Its okay to be sad, but at the same time you have to be strong! 

Your family *is not suppose to understand this, they are " allients" when it come to this issue Its really hard to accept this, but after some time its not worth to try to explain or mske thm feel the pain that you are expriencing.What is important is that *you have connection to ava and that you can feel each othe. She def feels the warm of your heart, even though she is not physicaly with you. She is very proud of you, but wants you to be able to continue and be the best mom to her siblings.

I am sorry, i got to run for breakfast with family

I will call as soon as i come back on sunday! Lots of love!


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## Andypanda6570

dnlfinker said:


> My dearest friend,
> First of al i want to give you a big hug. I wish i can do it in person or atleast give you a call, but i am stll away. Here is the virtual one though. I know its easily said then done, but we all have our moments ! *Think of it as a good sign, a sign that her memory is kept alive . You have to be strong , strong for Ava because she would not want you to be sad. She sent you a wonderfull message a week ago , because she loves you and feels how much you love her. Its okay to be sad, but at the same time you have to be strong!
> 
> Your family *is not suppose to understand this, they are " allients" when it come to this issue Its really hard to accept this, but after some time its not worth to try to explain or mske thm feel the pain that you are expriencing.What is important is that *you have connection to ava and that you can feel each othe. She def feels the warm of your heart, even though she is not physicaly with you. She is very proud of you, but wants you to be able to continue and be the best mom to her siblings.
> 
> I am sorry, i got to run for breakfast with family
> 
> I will call as soon as i come back on sunday! Lots of love!

Thank you and I know you are so right. I love you, Natalie..Your a great friend to me..:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## babylou

Sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Hope you are feeling a bit better soon. I never have a day when I don't think about Samuel, alot of the time I am ok, but sometimes I just have 'down' times for no obvious reason. 

I know you miss Ava, but you had your wonderful message a few days ago, maybe re-reading this thread may help as suggested.

Take care.

Love and hugs
:hugs::hugs::kiss:


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## collie_crazy

Oh Andrea:cry::cry: 

I can not say anything that hasnt been said so well already. Sweetie you know Ava would not want this - she will be watching you and worrying about you. I truly believe our angels live on inside of us, you NEED to go on with your life and live it to the full - for her and your other children if nothing else. 

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I have been seeing a psychologist and honestly it has really helped me to have someone to talk to that wont roll their eyes at me for going on about Emily, or judge, or get upset when I get upset. It helps to have someone I can rant and rave and moan to but also to have someone I can share my happy memories of Emily and my pregnancy with -- so many people in my life just dont want to speak about it anymore but she listens and helps me to sort things in my mind. 

I know its not for everyone though and I'm sorry if my suggesting that upsets you :hugs: but I love you, we all do, and it hurts so much knowing you are in so much pain and there is nothing I can do to make it any better :cry:


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## Andypanda6570

collie_crazy said:


> Oh Andrea:cry::cry:
> 
> I can not say anything that hasnt been said so well already. Sweetie you know Ava would not want this - she will be watching you and worrying about you. I truly believe our angels live on inside of us, you NEED to go on with your life and live it to the full - for her and your other children if nothing else.
> 
> Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I have been seeing a psychologist and honestly it has really helped me to have someone to talk to that wont roll their eyes at me for going on about Emily, or judge, or get upset when I get upset. It helps to have someone I can rant and rave and moan to but also to have someone I can share my happy memories of Emily and my pregnancy with -- so many people in my life just dont want to speak about it anymore but she listens and helps me to sort things in my mind.
> 
> I know its not for everyone though and I'm sorry if my suggesting that upsets you :hugs: but I love you, we all do, and it hurts so much knowing you are in so much pain and there is nothing I can do to make it any better :cry:

I love you and thank you. I am going to look for a grief counselor now and make an appt, I need to do this now before it gets worse. You are so special to me, thank you XOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## amotherslove

Andypanda6570 said:


> collie_crazy said:
> 
> 
> Oh Andrea:cry::cry:
> 
> I can not say anything that hasnt been said so well already. Sweetie you know Ava would not want this - she will be watching you and worrying about you. I truly believe our angels live on inside of us, you NEED to go on with your life and live it to the full - for her and your other children if nothing else.
> 
> Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I have been seeing a psychologist and honestly it has really helped me to have someone to talk to that wont roll their eyes at me for going on about Emily, or judge, or get upset when I get upset. It helps to have someone I can rant and rave and moan to but also to have someone I can share my happy memories of Emily and my pregnancy with -- so many people in my life just dont want to speak about it anymore but she listens and helps me to sort things in my mind.
> 
> I know its not for everyone though and I'm sorry if my suggesting that upsets you :hugs: but I love you, we all do, and it hurts so much knowing you are in so much pain and there is nothing I can do to make it any better :cry:
> 
> I love you and thank you. I am going to look for a grief counselor now and make an appt, I need to do this now before it gets worse. You are so special to me, thank you XOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

i was going to suggest this same thing. having someone to talk to that you don't have to worry about upsetting with your tears is so very nice. i am considering seeing a counsellor myself. i really hope that they can help you through this<3 i so wish i could take the pain away from you.. from all of you.. but thats the scary part isn't it? not having pain.. the minute i stop hurting as much.. the guilt sets in.. why am i not as sad.. will i forget her.. irrational fears and worries.. but it's scary. many hugs to you my dear<3


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## bek74

I hate seeing you in so much pain, it makes me so bloody angry, I wish I could ease your pain some how, I wish I could change what happened, I feel so helpless.
Babe Ava is your baby girl and if I experienced what you have I don't know if I could ever get through it. 
I think grief counseling sounds good, something I would need in your position.
I love you xxx


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## Andypanda6570

bek74 said:


> I hate seeing you in so much pain, it makes me so bloody angry, I wish I could ease your pain some how, I wish I could change what happened, I feel so helpless.
> Babe Ava is your baby girl and if I experienced what you have I don't know if I could ever get through it.
> I think grief counseling sounds good, something I would need in your position.
> I love you xxx

I love you too ,my bestest friend :cry::cry::cry: I really think I need someone to talk to to , Bek. It is waring me down , i have been ok since the post, but I know today when i go to visit Ava it will start again, I don't like to be around a lot of people especially people i don't know and today for Thanksgiving I have to go to my SIL and there will be about 30 people there, not bad people just not my family and I just want to eat and go home, I don't want to go but I have to for my kids..
Love You XOOXOX


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## mhazzab

Andypanda6570 said:


> bek74 said:
> 
> 
> I hate seeing you in so much pain, it makes me so bloody angry, I wish I could ease your pain some how, I wish I could change what happened, I feel so helpless.
> Babe Ava is your baby girl and if I experienced what you have I don't know if I could ever get through it.
> I think grief counseling sounds good, something I would need in your position.
> I love you xxx
> 
> I love you too ,my bestest friend :cry::cry::cry: I really think I need someone to talk to to , Bek. It is waring me down , i have been ok since the post, but I know today when i go to visit Ava it will start again, I don't like to be around a lot of people especially people i don't know and today for Thanksgiving I have to go to my SIL and there will be about 30 people there, not bad people just not my family and I just want to eat and go home, I don't want to go but I have to for my kids..
> Love You XOOXOXClick to expand...

I hate being around people I don't really now, and big groups of people, these days :(
Wish we could all come with you and hold your hand. hope you get on okay, I will be thinking of you xxx


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## babesx3

:hugs:
Most of what i would say to you has already been said....

It does get easier andrea :hugs:

I still feel when out with my kids that one of them is missing... i often turn to make sure they are all with me and count 4 but think i should have 5 :(... i have had a footprints necklace made of charlies footprint and i now wear it everyday..makes me feel like he is with me wherever i go ..its really helping like i am acknowledging his existance even though he is not with me......

:hugs:


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## jennijunni

I hope today is a better day for you!! Happy Thanksgiving mama. Lots of hugs!!


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## Andypanda6570

jennijunni said:


> I hope today is a better day for you!! Happy Thanksgiving mama. Lots of hugs!!

Thanks you my love...xoxoxooxox Andrea..Thanks for caring :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Andrea I dont know what I can add on that all these lovely ladies havent already said. Its been 6 months for me and I am still just torn about it sooooo badly :cry: I finally realised I cant do this on my own anymore and got myself some anti-anxiety meds. They make me sleepy but man have they helped lift a weight off my shoulders! I have only been on them for 4 days now but in general, I think they are just what I need. The small things that seemed big, dont seem so big anymore and I can FEEL happy... like really feel relaxed and happy. Just some food for thought for you... and I am OK admitting I couldnt do this alone :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

kiki04 said:


> Andrea I dont know what I can add on that all these lovely ladies havent already said. Its been 6 months for me and I am still just torn about it sooooo badly :cry: I finally realised I cant do this on my own anymore and got myself some anti-anxiety meds. They make me sleepy but man have they helped lift a weight off my shoulders! I have only been on them for 4 days now but in general, I think they are just what I need. The small things that seemed big, dont seem so big anymore and I can FEEL happy... like really feel relaxed and happy. Just some food for thought for you... and I am OK admitting I couldnt do this alone :hugs:

Love you, thank you. I was prescribed Xanax but it takes the edge off and I stopped them when I started to TTC, I think I just need some people around me to talk with who have went through this, i pray to God that works, cause i don't know what else will..:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Well we are always here ready to listen when you need us :hugs:


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## bek74

I wish I could go with to Thanksgiving and hold your and and shelter you. I love you and cry thinking about your pain. 
I know people say little Ava is in heaven and she is watching down on you and waiting till the day you will both meet again, and that Ava would want you to let her go and move on with your life. I know all of that too be true and so do you, but you don't want her in heaven, you want to hold her, brush her hair, dress her in pretty clothes, and enjoy the experience and love of raising your daughter. I don't know how one lets go, I don't have the answers but I do know that I am always here for you if you ever need me and I love whole heartedly my bestest loving wonderful friend xxx


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## angel jayvian

I know exactly the feeling...people around me don't understand me .. But then I remember that i.can always come here where there are others, that understand this pain completely..I just wish we were all close to eachother ... Hugs n kisses love ya.


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## Andypanda6570

bek74 said:


> I wish I could go with to Thanksgiving and hold your and and shelter you. I love you and cry thinking about your pain.
> I know people say little Ava is in heaven and she is watching down on you and waiting till the day you will both meet again, and that Ava would want you to let her go and move on with your life. I know all of that too be true and so do you, but you don't want her in heaven, you want to hold her, brush her hair, dress her in pretty clothes, and enjoy the experience and love of raising your daughter. I don't know how one lets go, I don't have the answers but I do know that I am always here for you if you ever need me and I love whole heartedly my bestest loving wonderful friend xxx

I love you too more than you know BEK:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## fluffyblue

Hi hunni, im so sorry for your pain, I lost Jess over 20 odd years ago and its never left me, it did sink into the back ground for a while but after then having two healthy children and then trying for a 3rd and suffering 5 more losses it brought all the pain and anguish back. 

I had exactly one year of complete and utter pain after my 3rd loss, for some reason I had pain like no other loss even more than when I lost Jess. I was only 9 weeks but the baby was so wanted it felt like it consumed me. I didnt eat, sleep or be normal for months, I drove my hubby mad with trying to conceive again so much so we became ovulation buddies ie only met at ovulation time!

But for some reason on the babies due date I let it go, I was a complete mess that day but for some reason it felt like closure to me I still dont know why, I think it was because then I felt like my baby was an angel and had a presence in my life.

I now have Ollie and he has taken away all my pain but I have lost 6 babies and my only wonder now is "what if"

xx


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## Andypanda6570

fluffyblue said:


> Hi hunni, im so sorry for your pain, I lost Jess over 20 odd years ago and its never left me, it did sink into the back ground for a while but after then having two healthy children and then trying for a 3rd and suffering 5 more losses it brought all the pain and anguish back.
> 
> I had exactly one year of complete and utter pain after my 3rd loss, for some reason I had pain like no other loss even more than when I lost Jess. I was only 9 weeks but the baby was so wanted it felt like it consumed me. I didnt eat, sleep or be normal for months, I drove my hubby mad with trying to conceive again so much so we became ovulation buddies ie only met at ovulation time!
> 
> But for some reason on the babies due date I let it go, I was a complete mess that day but for some reason it felt like closure to me I still dont know why, I think it was because then I felt like my baby was an angel and had a presence in my life.
> 
> I now have Ollie and he has taken away all my pain but I have lost 6 babies and my only wonder now is "what if"
> 
> xx

I can't even imagine loosing 6 that must be beyond devastating :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so happy to hear you have your little cutie Ollie :hugs::hugs::hugs: that gives me hope. I also worry cause of my age I am 41 and even,when ,if ,I do get pregnant I will be 42 when I give birth. I also have a thyroid problem which is controlled , I am just so scared that so many things can go wrong for me, but if i don't try again that scares me more than anything, so i am in limbo right now..
So sorry for your losses XOXOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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