# Advice/Help



## daveww

hello everyone , im lookin for some advice in regards to my contact with my daughter and would like anyone who has had experience in this matter to help me


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## Happy

Hi, do you have any contact with your daughter at the moment? My ex husband visits our daughter who is 2.5 every Friday for the day.


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## Laura2919

Well if it helps this is the set up I have with FOB. 

He has the twins every other weekend Friday afternoon to Sunday evening. He also has them one day during the week and the night before his day during the week. His day changes as its part of his contract so this week is like this: 

He had them last weekend and then his day off was today, he didnt have them last night because on wednesday he has football so they dont stay on wednesdays and this is my weekend. Next week is his weekend to have them and his day off falls on the Friday so he will have them Thursday night, friday, saturday, sunday and bring them home at 6pm..

I still have them 20 days out of 28. Its not ideal but its nice to have a break.


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## daveww

i would me more than happy if i could get eithier of those options... i have had contact with my daughter who is 2 year 7 month for her whole life , her mother has not met a new partner and has refused all access now and will not have any communication , my sol has sent a letter requestin weekends and weds. but i no she will refuse , while all of this paper work is being sent back and forth im not seein my daughter and it feels as tho it could be a very long time before i do and im scared of my daughter losin the bond she has with me


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> i would me more than happy if i could get eithier of those options... i have had contact with my daughter who is 2 year 7 month for her whole life , her mother has not met a new partner and has refused all access now and will not have any communication , my sol has sent a letter requestin weekends and weds. but i no she will refuse , while all of this paper work is being sent back and forth im not seein my daughter and it feels as tho it could be a very long time before i do and im scared of my daughter losin the bond she has with me

I wish there was other men out there like you. FOB at the moment is only interested in one person and thats his new girlfriend. Chloe and Jaycee come a far 2nd. He only agreed to have them the extra night because his mum and my sister were here and I told him that he was entitled to time to himself and so am I. They both agreed. He just agreed to save himself the bother. Sat here with face like a slapped arse! 
One day he will be sorry though that he put her before his kids. He never bails on me though but thats simply because his mum pins him up. She wouldnt allow him to bail.

I dont say what she is doing is right but seperating is hard and if you have moved on (not sure if you said you did) she could be really hurt and pushed out. Even now sometimes I think the things he is doing we did together but I cant let it bother me too much because I know he is worthless and this same scene will play out numerous times in his life.


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## daveww

i need to correct my earlier post i just re read.... not was meant to be now. she stopped all my contact when she met this new partner.


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> i need to correct my earlier post i just re read.... not was meant to be now. she stopped all my contact when she met this new partner.

Ohhh well that changes things.. I'm not sure what to suggest but keep chasing the solicitor.


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## daveww

yeh i am doing but all the solicitor says is we have to allow the mother time to respond to my requests , in the mean time i have no idea whether my daughter is safe well and happy , dont understand why she can just take our daughter out of my life and i can do nothing about it any time soon i just have to wait !


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## JA1988

It is very wrong for her to be doing this without any valid reason (ie she has no right to do this unless you are a danger or have been abusive to your daughter or her mother or she has valid reason to consider you a threat). You need to send her a solicitors letter which firmly states that you wish for reasonable and fair contact to recommence IMMEDIATELY and that if she does not respond to the letter or get in contact with you within a certain timeframe, that you will be making an application to court for a contact order to see your daughter. Are you on the birth certificate? If not the you can also put in the court application that you wish to apply for Parental responsibility aswell. Unless you are a danger to your daughter, then the courts will not be impressed at all with your ex for refusing access and will most likely grant you fair and reasonable access. The whole process from application to a contact order being made shouldn't be much longer than 2-3 months which I know is a long time if you are not seeing your daughter, but the longer your ex denies access, the worse she will look, especially if she is not even letting you know how your daughter is, so you will have a strong case. Also once a contact order is in place, if she breaks it then you can go straight back to court again and you will already be in the system. If money is an issue then as you have such a strong case, you could in all reality just attend the court in person to save on solicitors fees but if you think that your ex is likely to accuse you of anything such as abuse then I would take a solicitor with you. 

My ex was verbally abusive and harrassing to me, pays no child support yet I do not deny access as I know it would be the wrong thing to do (unless of course he had been abusive to my son).


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## JA1988

daveww said:


> yeh i am doing but all the solicitor says is we have to allow the mother time to respond to my requests , in the mean time i have no idea whether my daughter is safe well and happy , dont understand why she can just take our daughter out of my life and i can do nothing about it any time soon i just have to wait !

To be honest, it is your choice what you do and the solicitor is only there to advise, you know your ex and if you really don't think she is going to respond, then personally I would be making the court application now. I think that she deserves a maximum of a fortnight to respond to letters, phonecalls, emails etc and if you hear nothing at all then you definitely need to make the application.


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## daveww

no she has no reason what so ever apart from the fact this new man has come in to her life and it would be a inconvience for her to have to speak to me about our daughter or allow me to pick her up. yes im on the birth certificate and got my sol to send a letter requestin weekends and weds , im 90% sure she will not even both to respond to court will have to be the route to take it. 2-3months just feels like a very long time for my daughter not to see me .. what if she forgets about me or does not recoisne me or something


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## daveww

JA1988 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> yeh i am doing but all the solicitor says is we have to allow the mother time to respond to my requests , in the mean time i have no idea whether my daughter is safe well and happy , dont understand why she can just take our daughter out of my life and i can do nothing about it any time soon i just have to wait !
> 
> To be honest, it is your choice what you do and the solicitor is only there to advise, you know your ex and if you really don't think she is going to respond, then personally I would be making the court application now. I think that she deserves a maximum of a fortnight to respond to letters, phonecalls, emails etc and if you hear nothing at all then you definitely need to make the application.Click to expand...






my sol when i spoke to her on tuesday said i could not make the court application yet because she needs time to respond and also i would have to try mediation first , a date will be set for mediation , which is just another waste of time cos she wont turn up thier eithier


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## JA1988

I know it is very frustrating, I have been on the receiving end of this, being taken to court when my son's dad has always had regular access to him. I told him of Dad's like yourself who have a genuine reason to go through the courts due to not being allowed to see their children, yet he has wasted tax payers money taking me only to be told by the judge he wasted everyones times bringing me to court when he has regular contact! It disgusts me!

Unfortunately you will have to offer mediation first and wait for her to respond but then you can make the court application and just sit tight for the hearing date. I can't imagine how awful it must be to not be able to see your little girl and I really hope your ex bucks her ideas up quickly for your sake. Even if she does though, I would still take her to court and get a contact order in place so that she can't do anything like this to you and your daughter ever again. How did this all happen? Did you just turn up one day for contact and she didn't turn up??


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## daveww

JA1988 said:


> I know it is very frustrating, I have been on the receiving end of this, being taken to court when my son's dad has always had regular access to him. I told him of Dad's like yourself who have a genuine reason to go through the courts due to not being allowed to see their children, yet he has wasted tax payers money taking me only to be told by the judge he wasted everyones times bringing me to court when he has regular contact! It disgusts me!
> 
> Unfortunately you will have to offer mediation first and wait for her to respond but then you can make the court application and just sit tight for the hearing date. I can't imagine how awful it must be to not be able to see your little girl and I really hope your ex bucks her ideas up quickly for your sake. Even if she does though, I would still take her to court and get a contact order in place so that she can't do anything like this to you and your daughter ever again. How did this all happen? Did you just turn up one day for contact and she didn't turn up??

yeh i will be followin it thro to the end for the contact order im not going thro this again, it all happend when i had my daughter one day and she mentioned a man who "was in mammys house" so when i dropped her off i told the mother what she said and asked who it was .... her reply to me was **** off none of your business .. to which i said it is my business if there is a man around my daughter in her own home . who was he?? since that point has changed her phone number so i could not contact her by phone and will not answer to any other forms of communication


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## JA1988

She is technically right that it is not your business who she dates, BUT if that man is around your daughter then I think you have every right to know and she certainly shouldn't have reacted the way she has. Could you not turn up at the house on a day you would normally have contact and see if you can speak to her? I am not sure what else you could do if she has blocked you from phoning? Do you speak to any members of her family at all like her mum, dad or siblings?


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## daveww

JA1988 said:


> She is technically right that it is not your business who she dates, BUT if that man is around your daughter then I think you have every right to know and she certainly shouldn't have reacted the way she has. Could you not turn up at the house on a day you would normally have contact and see if you can speak to her? I am not sure what else you could do if she has blocked you from phoning? Do you speak to any members of her family at all like her mum, dad or siblings?

yeh i have turned up on each of the days i would normally pick her up for the last two weeks and she just ignores the door ... i dont have any of her familys contact details


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## JA1988

That's terrible behaviour on her part. Well I would definitely recommend you keep a log of the days and times you have turned up for contact and she has ignored you and the days and times you have attempted to call etc and just crack on with the court case. I think the judge will be able to see you have tried your hardest. Are you paying maintenance and if so is it to her directly or through csa?


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## daveww

JA1988 said:


> That's terrible behaviour on her part. Well I would definitely recommend you keep a log of the days and times you have turned up for contact and she has ignored you and the days and times you have attempted to call etc and just crack on with the court case. I think the judge will be able to see you have tried your hardest. Are you paying maintenance and if so is it to her directly or through csa?

i have always just given her money direct and on two ocassions when i have turned up at her house and got no response i have posted the money because i dont want my daughter to miss out


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## Laura2919

JA1988 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> yeh i am doing but all the solicitor says is we have to allow the mother time to respond to my requests , in the mean time i have no idea whether my daughter is safe well and happy , dont understand why she can just take our daughter out of my life and i can do nothing about it any time soon i just have to wait !
> 
> To be honest, it is your choice what you do and the solicitor is only there to advise, you know your ex and if you really don't think she is going to respond, then personally I would be making the court application now. I think that she deserves a maximum of a fortnight to respond to letters, phonecalls, emails etc and if you hear nothing at all then you definitely need to make the application.Click to expand...

I agree with this..

Thats bloody terrible. Definitely apply to the courts


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## daveww

its nice that you agree with me and re assures me her actions are so so wrong ... but it does not help me and my daughter in the mean time its so frustratin !


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## daveww

feel horrible tonight , i would normally be sat happy watchin tv with my daughter asleep and maybe a little chat with her mam..... got a sinkin feelin and feel so so so lonely hate this


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> feel horrible tonight , i would normally be sat happy watchin tv with my daughter asleep and maybe a little chat with her mam..... got a sinkin feelin and feel so so so lonely hate this

Im guessing your split wasnt mutual?


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## daveww

yeh we been split for quite a little while now .. but was still able to see my daughter and have a little chat with mam


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## daveww

i have spent some time reading thro various posts on this forum and i feel physically sick at some comments and suggestions such as ... dont put his name on the birth certificate and make sure you breast feed.... because that will make it harder for the father with custody. where is the childs best intrests in that very very selfish !


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## littlekitten8

I hate to say this but you are in the minority for actually wanting to see your daughter. Don't judge people for their advice on here without actually knowing the circumstances. Alot of us have been using this part of the forum for over a year and know each other well. 

That said, I think your daughter is lucky to have a father like you. I know it is difficult and frustrating right now but at her age she will not forget you quickly. Nor will her bond with you be destroyed easily. You have to keep pushing for contact and she will thank you for it later.


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## littlekitten8

Unfortunately for me, James's father wants nothing to do with him since he was 11 weeks old so believe me you are to be applauded for doing what you are.


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## daveww

i certainly dont think i should be applauded , im not seekin access thro choice im doing it because she is my daughter and i love her with all my heart and want her to grow up noing im always here for her no matter what , i may of been a little harsh in my previous post as i dont no the full circumstances in which those comments were made , but i do feel as tho regardless of a womens view of a father they should never not put the name on the birth certificate or breast feed just to stretch out the process for the father.


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## littlekitten8

Most of the fathers are being verbally and physically abusive towards the mothers and this is why they want to delay the inevitable of contact.


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## daveww

well if they are being verbally or phsyically abusive to the mothers that is wrong but it is just as wrong to not put a name on the birth certificate because of that .... the man is still the childs father whatever his actions


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## Laura2919

I think that your ex is being very selfish but when you read some posts on here it can seem like we are anti men but some of the ladies here have gone through stuff that is unforgivable. 
I didnt have a violent/abusive relationship but since we have been apart he has moved on with his new girlfriend and suddenly doesnt want to do me any favours and I am a c**t for making his life hard. Actually its the opposite, I am just trying to move on with my life. 
I havent stopped him moving on, or having the girls. We have an arrangement which actually was pushed by me more than him. 
I'd never stop him seeing the girls. I have used the threat once and said take me to court but that was because he didnt want to have them more. :haha: doesnt make sense but if you read my thread you will understand. 

Anyway, I do think your in the minority, There are plenty men who dont see their children or even make an effort to see them. 

Hope you get to see your daughter soon.


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## daveww

when i went to see my solicitor i was told i do not have a right to see my daughter its my daughter who has a right to see me... which i sort of understand but think its a weird way of doing things. i was also told the access i get would be what is in my daughters best intrests, thro some of the posts i have read on this website there seems to be a lot of fathers who get every other weekend ... this would really kill me as it seems such a small amount of time and i no when im with my daughter she is really happy and smilin and when i take her home asks "daddy will you take me to the park tomoz" , so i guess what im askin is , what do people think is reasonable access that will be granted thro the courts .. is it every other weekend?


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## Laura2919

Actually most courts grant one night every other weekend so what I give is plenty. 

FOB gets contact every other weekend, one day during the week and the night before that day. He didnt want this. He was happy to miss the night before, because I might of stopped his social life.


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## littlekitten8

It depends on age. Most courts won't grant overnight access until the child is 4 years old. My niece who is 5 goes to see her dad from 9am Saturday to 6pm Sunday every other week. Before she was 4 she saw him every other Saturday from 9am to 5pm. Unfortunately the courts consider a child's relationship with their mother to be more important which is very wrong. I wish you all the best with it all!


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## mkm1083

daveww said:


> when i went to see my solicitor i was told i do not have a right to see my daughter its my daughter who has a right to see me... which i sort of understand but think its a weird way of doing things.

Sorry, I don't understand at all. You do have a right to your daughter _and_ she has a right to you. From what I'm seeing on this site, the UK just does not seem to value father's rights at all. And, for the record, your child's mother seriously has no idea how lucky she is to have the father of her child actually want to be in her life. This shit pisses me off.


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## Mally01

mkm1083 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> when i went to see my solicitor i was told i do not have a right to see my daughter its my daughter who has a right to see me... which i sort of understand but think its a weird way of doing things.
> 
> Sorry, I don't understand at all. You do have a right to your daughter _and_ she has a right to you. From what I'm seeing on this site, the UK just does not seem to value father's rights at all. And, for the record, your child's mother seriously has no idea how lucky she is to have the father of her child actually want to be in her life. This shit pisses me off.Click to expand...

Yeah, I think the UK are just quite harsh with men who abandon / leave a pregnant woman or their kid and then reappear later on with unreasonable demands or suddenly decide they want full custody or something. We are however, pretty good with genuine Dads who, from the get go are actively involved in the pregnancy and upbringing of their child but have maybe split up with the Mum or are being denied _any _access to their kid.


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## xSophieBx

My solicitor told me the same thing that he has no rights.. its my daughter that has the rights. Actually I think the legal system is more for the fathers these days.. and I think the legal system fails big time in the fact they don't care about fathers that don't pay for their child. IMO it should be law they pay for their child or they don't see them. As I am having this prob atm... FOB wants to see my daughter but isn't willing to contribute to her upbringing and never has... you can't pick and choose your parental responsibility.

In response to you saying about the disgusting things you've read on this forum... You don't know the full story and alot of the women have had to put up with ALOT of abuse etc me being 1 of them. I don't want that unstable weirdo(that has never lived with my daughter anyway) anywhere nr my child and messing her head up but unfortunately its gonna happen.. and its going to be MY child that will be suffering... so if I can protect her as long as possible I bloody well will be doing everything in my power to do so.

However, in your situation I think its VERY unfair.. you have clearly been a very good father and tried your best and shes bang out of order for what shes doing and its going to be your daughter thats hurt in the long run as she knows who her daddy is. I would apply for that court application asap and make sure u reply to all correspondence immediately. She is not gonna look good in court at all... Its frustrating but u WILL get access eventually.


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## Laura2919

Well all fathers absent or not do have to pay for their children its just getting them to agree but it never goes away, the longer they avoid it the more they have to pay so I think that its fair really just need some men with decency and respect to want to help raise the children they helped create.


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## xSophieBx

Laura2919 said:


> Well all fathers absent or not do have to pay for their children its just getting them to agree but it never goes away, the longer they avoid it the more they have to pay so I think that its fair really just need some men with decency and respect to want to help raise the children they helped create.

You'd think that Laura, but some quit their jobs to get out of paying...and CSA are useless.. The court took a step back as CSA are meant to deal with it all and their rubbish.. So no its not fair.. as you never do get the payments missed etc.


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## Laura2919

Yeah but you cant hold a gun to their heads and make them so the law is trying its best. My friends daughter is going to be 8 in January and her dad hasnt been much of a dad through those 8 years so she said when she hears that he is expecting another child she will contact CSA and this year he said he was having a boy with someone else so she took him to CSA and he owes £16,000 and has to pay back every penny, they found his employer and told him if he doesnt contact them in 2 weeks they will automatically take a payment they think suitable from his wages.. Which they did.


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## daveww

i certainly agree that csa should happen regardless whether or not the father wants to see the child or not and it should be enforced


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## daveww

i would be more than happy to give 80% of my weekly wage right now if it meant i could see my daughter sooner


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## littlekitten8

Thats a lovely thought but the point is you shouldn't have to!


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## xSophieBx

Laura2919 said:


> Yeah but you cant hold a gun to their heads and make them so the law is trying its best. My friends daughter is going to be 8 in January and her dad hasnt been much of a dad through those 8 years so she said when she hears that he is expecting another child she will contact CSA and this year he said he was having a boy with someone else so she took him to CSA and he owes £16,000 and has to pay back every penny, they found his employer and told him if he doesnt contact them in 2 weeks they will automatically take a payment they think suitable from his wages.. Which they did.

Wow I'm glad CSA actually helped someone! I havent heard any other success stories where single parents have managed to get their money back dated. 

Obviously u can't hold a gun to their head but stopping them from seeing their child unless they paid would do the job. I don't get to pick and choose so y the hell should he. I do think they should pay regardless but tbh if I could get rid of that prick out my daughters life(I have good reason too) & her have a stable upbringing then I wouldn't want his money anyway!


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## xSophieBx

Thats true what littlekitten said. Also I would refuse to give her cash as u have no proof... I would do bank transfers. 

Are u hassling your solicitor? U need to get onto them all the time... I also don't see why u can't apply for a court order now... my solicitor told me my ex has every right to make a court application whenever he wants.


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## daveww

i have been makin payments of £72 a fortnight and am no doin it thro cheque so its all logged , but i certainly agree with your point a father should not pick and choose his responseabilties ... a father should have to pay csa whether he sees the child or not and access should be arranged while court proceedings are takin place even if thro a contact centre


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## Mally01

I actually had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a single mum yesterday about CSA payments and how I go about this for my LO. I'm not sure whether to wait until my baby is born and then ask him for money or start asking him now. The FOB of my friends LO was so angry at her that he had to pay child support because in his eyes (and this is the impression I also get from my FOB) is that _*she*_ is the one who decided to keep the baby, not him, so therefore why the heck should he pay for a baby that wasn't his choice to have. Is this how a lot of FOB's think? that we ultimately made the final decision to go ahead with the pregnancy, therefore we should not bother them ever again for anything?


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## Newbieplusone

Hi Daveww,

You are not alone - my oh has a LOT of problems with his ex. And sadly l know quite a few male friends that have gone through similar...

My OH pays on time, travels 4 hours every other w/end, rents a property there so he can see the kids (only get 4 nights a month there!!) never misses a time he has with them, tries to call during the week but the phone ALWAYS gets ignored. Trusted that she had found a man that would care for his kiddies - luckily they love him!!  But she wanted to meet me because l saw the once every blue moon...

She doesn't reply to sol letters etc and the sol is just as hard work as she is! It's a sad state of affairs when the ex can't get over her own feelings for the kids - because no matter how much they are hurting the kids will hurt more when they finally see that Dad was trying and Mum stood in the way!

As l always say the OH when he is upset that he can't see them, eventually they will see all this and not be best pleased - make sure they know you did everything you could to see them!! 

Don't get me wrong, l haven't spoken to her or met her and as far as loving the kids are concerned etc she is great l just wish she would let up on OH sometimes...

I hope it gets sorted for you and remember the more she doesn't communicate etc the worse it will look on her when you go to court. Sorry this post won't take away the pain of when you can't see your little girl...

Good luck


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## daveww

has anyone ever been thro the mediation process?


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> has anyone ever been thro the mediation process?


I havent but my friend did. They arranged times that her FOB would have the baby and then they arranged money and stuff like that. 
Its not legally binding but you can then go to a solicitor who can draw you up documents. 

Its usually offered before court.


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## daveww

yeh she has refused to attend mediation but i still need to go just to show i tried , the legal system is seriously messed up in my opinion and takes such a long time , i just want to no my daughter is safe and well and give her a big hug .... but because mothers have all the rights its going to be a long time before i can do that. so to all the mothers who have stopped access i hope you think about the child who is missin out on time with the father and thats time that can never be got back


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> yeh she has refused to attend mediation but i still need to go just to show i tried , the legal system is seriously messed up in my opinion and takes such a long time , i just want to no my daughter is safe and well and give her a big hug .... but because mothers have all the rights its going to be a long time before i can do that. so to all the mothers who have stopped access i hope you think about the child who is missin out on time with the father and thats time that can never be got back

Its amazing how many dads actually dont want to know either.

FOB has the twins a lot, which I am glad because I dont want them to forget about him.


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## daveww

i certainly appreciate some fathers do not want to see thier children and in those cases they should have all of thier rights revoked, im just goin on the facts i have at the moment which are if a women decides for whatver reason she will stop access then both the child and father miss out for a long period of time till the legal process is completed


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## Laura2919

I really hope you get to see your daughter soon..


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## daveww

Laura2919 said:


> I really hope you get to see your daughter soon..

its actually nice to here that from a women just wish all women cared as much


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## Laura2919

daveww said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> I really hope you get to see your daughter soon..
> 
> its actually nice to here that from a women just wish all women cared as muchClick to expand...

She wont forget who you are and when she is older you can say you did all you could.. It will only reflect bad on her for stopping you seeing your daughter.


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## Mally01

I would be really happy and wouldn't stand in the way of my FOB having eventual access to my baby at any stage, no matter how much I was upset with him for leaving me, because my baby would know their Father and that is what would be important. I think ultimately, the majority of women would want the FOB's to see their children as that is what is best for the baby in most circumstances. I don't understand women who block access completely to the Dad's out of spite or other stupid reasons (i.e. If the Father is not an ogre and loves his kid/s and treats them right, why do this?) . I would do anything in the world to have my FOB acknowledge and love our child, so good luck to you. It's a shame other absent Father's don't behave like you.


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## daveww

Mally01 said:


> I would be really happy and wouldn't stand in the way of my FOB having eventual access to my baby at any stage, no matter how much I was upset with him for leaving me, because my baby would know their Father and that is what would be important. I think ultimately, the majority of women would want the FOB's to see their children as that is what is best for the baby in most circumstances. I don't understand women who block access completely to the Dad's out of spite or other stupid reasons (i.e. If the Father is not an ogre and loves his kid/s and treats them right, why do this?) . I would do anything in the world to have my FOB acknowledge and love our child, so good luck to you. It's a shame other absent Father's don't behave like you.

from what i have exprienced so far i think other fathers just give up as it seems everything is against us and how long it takes and the amount of money it costs, its a shame some fathers do choose not to do everything they can but maybe if the legal system was a little bit quicker and easier they might and in the end it will be the child that benefits and gets to see dad


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## Rhio92

Save recods of all letters, phone calls, payments, etc, and put them in a sepate folder for your daughter. One day, she'll start asking questions, and when she's older, you'll be able to show her the evidence of how hard you tried for her x


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## littlekitten8

I have done this for James. Every bit of contact I had with FOB to try to get him to come see James, every solicitors communication, every text, email, facebook message....and down to the letter he signed saying he wanted no form of contact....are all safely put away so that when James asks where his daddy is I can show that I tried everything in my power to get him to see him.


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## stevon111

must admit i have went through all the posts on this thread with very great interest.. firstly i would like to say WOW! to the poster Daveww very good thread and its been a very very interesting read and shows how much you do care for your daughter. i really hope you get things sorted out there.... i do generally agree with his post but make sure daveww if your paying your EX direct make sure its going through her bank account and not cash in hand otherwise 1 day your ex could get even worse and say you have not payed a penny towards your daughter.
2. there was a point way back about how girls dont seem to understand lads point of views on here and generally i put myself on the line in this 1 and i can say i genuinely do get help from the people on here with advice when i need it but i have noticed i wouldnt get as many replys to what a girl would who voices her opinions? thoughts on that anyone?
3. daveww im starting to get into a bit of a situation like yourself but im getting texts from my Ex partner stating that shes having major problems looking after our daughter the reason is very easy.. she wants her 18yo lifestyle back and is leaving our daugher with her alcoholic mother and she is not seeing our daugher upto 3 days at a time which is totally crazy when i will see my daugher 2 days a week and ive always met the times we have agreed but im starting to get tired of her not sticking to the times for example the other day we agreed she would pick LO up at 2pm and she was told this the day before and she was told at half 11 that day which she said was fine (had not seen our daughter for 2 days) and she text me saying i would have to keep her longer becouse she was at Mcdonalds with her friend and she turned up to pick her up an hour late which wasnt too bad but its little things like that which im getting tired of ....the fact she admits to getting nearly 800 pounds of benifits a month and she uses it as pocket money, no bills to pay, lives between her mothers and her dads house every other week, goes out and leaves my daugher with an alcoholic mother for nights. its all just crazy and shes not living up to looking after our little girl properly, she even let her 14yo step sister take her out on the train for a few hours to her grandmothers house which i was not aware of.

i dont think the way she looks after our daugher is acceptable but i will still try my best to help her out and try and help her with a routine to help our little girl try and cope with even though i feel so so sorry for faye being passed from pillar to post its not fair on her or anything!

i have no experience with court or anything like that or solicitors but if my Ex partner is not going to start looking after faye in the right ways and stick to times agreed then i think i could be soon going down that route to be fair.

good luck anyways daveww


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## Statik

I am shocked by some of this. Why on earth would you be upset that an abusive parent should not be put on a birth cert? If a man will abuse a woman either emotionally or physically then what would stop him from doing it to a child. A lot of women on here have been through hell and back trying to raise and protect their children. Including myself. No, the man I had sex with will not be on the bc. It is not right to put my child in danger or myself because he got laid. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but my kids will always come first. It is a hard thing to do, raising a child alone, and it is not a decision that people take lightly. Yeah, sometimes parents can be jerks to each other and play stupid games, but the majority of the time there is a lot more to it all. 
It just sounds like there is more to this story has been shared. I really hope your ex is not someone on this site who is being trolled. Your words are just too short, and some of it strikes me as very odd. Why wouldn't your daughter be safe?


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## Rhio92

A lot of us in here come from abusive relationships. Is it right that our children should witness that? Hell no.
If I could go back in time, FOB would not be on the bc. Simply because he has no interest in his son, he is only involved because he has certain control over me.
Do not judge us. You;re new, you've not been around from the start. Some women are in good places now, a year ago they were here broken and upset, unsure what to do.
We work damn hard for our kids to have good lives. Do not make out we are all against men.

Rant over.

Good luck :hugs:


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## stevon111

Statik said:


> I am shocked by some of this. Why on earth would you be upset that an abusive parent should not be put on a birth cert? If a man will abuse a woman either emotionally or physically then what would stop him from doing it to a child. A lot of women on here have been through hell and back trying to raise and protect their children. Including myself. No, the man I had sex with will not be on the bc. It is not right to put my child in danger or myself because he got laid. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but my kids will always come first. It is a hard thing to do, raising a child alone, and it is not a decision that people take lightly. Yeah, sometimes parents can be jerks to each other and play stupid games, but the majority of the time there is a lot more to it all.
> It just sounds like there is more to this story has been shared. I really hope your ex is not someone on this site who is being trolled. Your words are just too short, and some of it strikes me as very odd. Why wouldn't your daughter be safe?


AGAIN! a Very good post on this thread...and i personally totally agree but i feel if the law was different then all men should be named on a birth cert if the girl knows who the father is BUT anyone who is abusive or a danger should NOT have any rights over their child at all! The law is the way it is sadly and with it as current then i agree with the poster above that men should NOT be on a birth cert if they are a danger or mentally or emotionally abuseive.

i think again the poster above is right reading between the lines then i think the whole story needs posted so people can get a better idea of everything which is going on.


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## Laura2919

I think its hard to judge anyones situation properly on here. 
My FOB is a fool but was never abusive and never once gave me reason to doubt he would put my girls in harm but I respect that some of you ladies have had relationships like that. 

I dont think it was intentionally meant to shock or upset you. :flower: but I can see that when someone doesnt understand the situation it could come across like that...


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## daveww

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on thier because there are the parents !


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## lou_w34

daveww said:


> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another. 

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

:flower:


----------



## daveww

lou_w34 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !
> 
> That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.
> 
> Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.
> 
> But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!
> 
> What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out


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## Rhio92

daveww said:


> lou_w34 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !
> 
> That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.
> 
> Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.
> 
> But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!
> 
> What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...
> 
> i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess outClick to expand...

Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.


----------



## daveww

Rhio92 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lou_w34 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !
> 
> That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.
> 
> Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.
> 
> But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!
> 
> What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...
> 
> i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess outClick to expand...
> 
> Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.Click to expand...

im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/


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## Rhio92

daveww said:


> Rhio92 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lou_w34 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !
> 
> That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.
> 
> Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.
> 
> But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!
> 
> What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...
> 
> i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess outClick to expand...
> 
> Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.Click to expand...
> 
> im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/Click to expand...

He can't do anything to stop it, but he's fight damn hard through solicitors, HV, doctors, child care workers, etc, to get things sorted with the mum, get custody or whatever. He'd wouldn't rest until he knew his child was safe.

I'll say this for the last time, do not judge us when you don't know the full story, or from a few posts you've skimmed over.


----------



## daveww

Rhio92 said:


> daveww said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Rhio92 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lou_w34 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> daveww said:
> 
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !
> 
> That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.
> 
> Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.
> 
> But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!
> 
> What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.
> 
> :flower:Click to expand...
> 
> i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess outClick to expand...
> 
> Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.Click to expand...
> 
> im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/Click to expand...
> 
> He can't do anything to stop it, but he's fight damn hard through solicitors, HV, doctors, child care workers, etc, to get things sorted with the mum, get custody or whatever. He'd wouldn't rest until he knew his child was safe.
> 
> I'll say this for the last time, do not judge us when you don't know the full story, or from a few posts you've skimmed over.Click to expand...

i have not judge anyone , i asked a very simple question , would u think its fair if a man was able to stop a mother being on a bc for reasons he thought were appropraite which u still did not answer. and yes i will fight damm hard to make sure my child is safe but because of the law the way that it is , it takes a very very long time and in the meantime i have no idea whter my child is safe and well and have no way of noing


----------



## hubble

daveww
To answer your question...
It's hardly a comparable scenario is it? A mother is recorded on the birth cerficate is a record of the person who actually physically gave birth to the child. This is obviously not the case for men.
Alot of women find themselves in a very vunerable position and feel that the only protection they can claim for themselves and their LO is to not put the father's name on the birth certificate. Whilst you may have the best intentions, you are naive if you don't realise that there are some men out there who will misuse ther parental responsibility as a means of controlling their ex-partner and forgetting that it is a privilege only to be used in terms of ther child's best interest.
It is of course a false sense of security as the pro-father mentality of the courts will give parental responsibility to the vast majority of those who ask for it no matter what their character/intentions/actions have been.


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## daveww

hubble said:


> daveww
> To answer your question...
> It's hardly a comparable scenario is it? A mother is recorded on the birth cerficate is a record of the person who actually physically gave birth to the child. This is obviously not the case for men.
> Alot of women find themselves in a very vunerable position and feel that the only protection they can claim for themselves and their LO is to not put the father's name on the birth certificate. Whilst you may have the best intentions, you are naive if you don't realise that there are some men out there who will misuse ther parental responsibility as a means of controlling their ex-partner and forgetting that it is a privilege only to be used in terms of ther child's best interest.
> It is of course a false sense of security as the pro-father mentality of the courts will give parental responsibility to the vast majority of those who ask for it no matter what their character/intentions/actions have been.

i suppose thats were our views are diffrent .. it takes two to make a child! and yes certainly any women who is in a vunerable situation for whatever reason should not be put in a situation where he or she of the child is put in a dangerous position ... i have many views on were the law is unfair for children but wont bore you with them all , but i do say a father should be named on the bc regardless of anything , but he should not automatically been entitled to parentol responseability if he or she has a history of anything that would possible put a child or mother or father in danger


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## Rhio92

:roll:

Walk a mile in our shoes and see how you feel about it then.


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## Laura2919

Rhio92 said:


> :roll:
> 
> Walk a mile in our shoes and see how you feel about it then.

I think you could say that about everyone though. Im not saying what you have gone through isnt hard but we all have tough times in our lives.. Just different things 

Everyone would learn something walking a mile in anyones shoes.. :shrug:


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## Rhio92

Mmm you are right Laura :thumbup:

Dave, we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this way. I won't change my mindset, and you wont change yours x


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## Newbieplusone

Good father or not the CHOICE to have a baby with him was yours....and Daveww is right you wouldn't deny a Mother her right on the BC whether she is an alcoholic, drug addict OR physically/emotionally abusive to their partner, etc. Remember, the BC is also about hertiage and information for YOUR child also - unfortunately breaks up, bad relationships and bad words/deeds are exchanged. How you handle it for with your best intentions for your child(ren) is the most important thing...


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## Statik

No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant. 
NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head. 
It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine. 
So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)


----------



## Rhio92

Statik said:


> No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
> NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
> It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
> So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)

Well said! :hugs: xxx


----------



## Janidog

Statik said:


> No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
> NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
> It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
> So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)

But not all dads are like this................ many dads would love to see and spend time with their children but unfortunately the mothers have put a stop to them seeing their children, they're certainly haven't got their childrens best interest at heart.

1) A male friend had a one night stand, found out the girl is pregnant, but because the man didn't want a relationship with the mother, she banned him from seeing his son - a few years down the line and countless court cases he now thankfully has full custody and mother ended up in jail for perjury. 

2) Another male friend dated a woman for a good 6months, shes says no need to take the pill as i can't get pregnant. He stupidly agreed that they can stop using protection, hey presto she feel pregnant, dumps him and says she only used him as a sperm donor so he is still fighting to see his child.

3) Yet another male friend got married had 2 children, wife decide to leave him for another man, they divorce but as soon as friend gets in to another relationship, ex wife stops him from seeing his children, now 5 years on his 15 year son realises mother made up lots of lies and now lives with his father

And these men are all very good fathers - there are as many shit mothers as there are shit fathers.

Also Daveww has come on here for advice not a lecture and this is a 'Single Parent' section and not a 'Single Mothers' section so give the guy a break


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## Laura2919

Janidog said:


> Statik said:
> 
> 
> No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
> NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
> It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
> So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)
> 
> But not all dads are like this................ many dads would love to see and spend time with their children but unfortunately the mothers have put a stop to them seeing their children, they're certainly haven't got their childrens best interest at heart.
> 
> 1) A male friend had a one night stand, found out the girl is pregnant, but because the man didn't want a relationship with the mother, she banned him from seeing his son - a few years down the line and countless court cases he now thankfully has full custody and mother ended up in jail for perjury.
> 
> 2) Another male friend dated a woman for a good 6months, shes says no need to take the pill as i can't get pregnant. He stupidly agreed that they can stop using protection, hey presto she feel pregnant, dumps him and says she only used him as a sperm donor so he is still fighting to see his child.
> 
> 3) Yet another male friend got married had 2 children, wife decide to leave him for another man, they divorce but as soon as friend gets in to another relationship, ex wife stops him from seeing his children, now 5 years on his 15 year son realises mother made up lots of lies and now lives with his father
> 
> And these men are all very good fathers - there are as many shit mothers as there are shit fathers.
> 
> *Also Daveww has come on here for advice not a lecture and this is a 'Single Parent' section and not a 'Single Mothers' section so give the guy a break*Click to expand...

I agree.. I suppose he could say walk a mile in my shoes also and see what it feels to be a dad who wants to see his child but cant. :shrug: I can see his point of view. He is a caring dad who is doing all he can to see his daughter. There arent enough of those kind of dads around...

Plus remember, its just him against all you women :haha: give him a break. lol


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## daveww

thank you laura :)


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## xSophieBx

Sorry to butt in and ask a random question...

Janidog: On number 1, How did she end up in prison for perjury? Must be pretty serious for them to put her in prison and give the child to the dad as I would of thought that would be more detrimental for a child...


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## Janidog

xSophieBx said:


> Sorry to butt in and ask a random question...
> 
> Janidog: On number 1, How did she end up in prison for perjury? Must be pretty serious for them to put her in prison and give the child to the dad as I would of thought that would be more detrimental for a child...

She was constantly lying in court, making up stories and causing a lot of stress to her son and eventually she was seen to be quite an unfit mother. She was far more detrimental to the child then him being handed over to his dad. He is now a much happier little boy and his father dotes on him


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## Statik

daveww said:


> i have spent some time reading thro various posts on this forum and i feel physically sick at some comments and suggestions such as ... dont put his name on the birth certificate and make sure you breast feed.... because that will make it harder for the father with custody. where is the childs best intrests in that very very selfish !
> 
> ....well if they are being verbally or phsyically abusive to the mothers that is wrong but it is just as wrong to not put a name on the birth certificate because of that .... the man is still the childs father whatever his actions
> 
> ...so to all the mothers who have stopped access i hope you think about the child who is missin out on time with the father and thats time that can never be got back
> 
> a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on thier because there are the parents !
> 
> ...now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

I am just confused on if it is support needed or the bashing of mothers' decisions regarding the safety of their children and their own lives. BTW, women are killed everyday by their current or former partners. There is a lot of literature out there about why a toxic parent should not be allowed access to children, as well. Courts fail to recognize when a parent is toxic and harmful to a child, and most of the time will give such a parent full rights due to biology.
A parent is someone who takes care of, provides for, and loves a child. Biology does not make a parent. Parenting goes way beyond that and should be a selfless act. 
So, I only told my story because of the comments from Dave. I don't think it was fair to go off about other posts and the decisions of other posters. Being supportive goes both ways, and it is not because he is a man. I think bad parents come in both female and male, and I don't think it is fair to play the "father card" to criticize others. 
I do not post much in this board, but I do come in here and read as it helps me to get my head around some of the crap I deal with.


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## Laura2919

It's not just women that suffer from a violent partner. It happens to men also and I bet it happens a lot more than we know because it's hard for a woman to admit it let alone a man. 

Lets just say a woman was violent to her partner and he wasn't to her and they have a child and he leaves.. She is still on the babies birth certificate but of it was him being violent to her then he doesn't have a right. 

Come on now let's not act like its all one sided. Dave has a point! It is so annoying to read people who keep going on and on about how a man shouldn't be on the birth certificate yet if the roles were reversed then that's ok because she is a mum. 

I also believe children have a right to know where they came from. Regardless of the situation. 

And don't nobody say walk a mile in my shoes because walk a mile in mine. :shrug: everything is different for everybody..


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## daveww

i think laura is very mature and sees things from both sides. i am by no means anti women or have opinions against women , but when it comes to a child or children it should not matter whether your the mother or father... you should both be able to express your opinions and do what is right for the child.... my point being a mother feels for whatever reason she can withold the fathers name from the bc but what if a father had the same reasons that he wanted to prevent the mother from the bc?? ....after all is it not all about the childs best intrests so why is only one parents opinion and choice taken into account.


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