# How long did you feel sad about birth not going to plan?



## baileybubs

Hey everyone,

Just wondering if I will ever get over feeling sad about how my labour went completely the opposite to what I wanted. Basically I had wanted a water birth with just gas and air, or at least an active birth. I was actually looking forward to using my TENS machine and birthing ball and really wanted to try and enjoy the experience as so many other women seem to have. However thanks to my high blood pressure I ended up having my waters broke when I was only 1cm dilated, being attached to a drip, blood pressure cuff and several monitors and not being able to move at all. At one point I was trying to lean forward as it was more bearable with the pain and the midwives had to push my back to lying flat position as I was knocking the monitors off my stomach! 
Not long after this I had to have the epidural because the pain was just so intense and seemed like one never ending contraction, despite only being 3cm dilated at this point!!
In the end baby's heart rate kept dipping as I was unable to push her out due to a rim around my cervix (whatever that means!!) and as baby was back to back they couldn't get forceps on her head and I had to have an EMCS.

It's not the EMCS that bothers me, in fact that bit was fine. It was being attached to all the drip and monitors etc, not being able to move, and having the intense contractions that were brought on by the drip that upsets me. It just wasn't this wonderfully pleasant experience that other people have described.

Has anyone else felt this way and how long did you feel like this?

I also feel like I may never get that nice experience in future either if its not possible for me to have a vbac.


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## rayne22

I didn't have a birth plan, but my labour and delivery didn't go as I imagined it would. I was induced early due to blood pressure and protein in urine, was hooked up to machines like you, my iv was put in poorly so couldn't move my arm even if I wanted to. I did want an epidural, and after 3 hours of trying to push baby out, I was so exhausted, I pretty much told the nurse to think of another way to get the baby out cuz I can't push anymore. Dr ended up being able to use forceps to get baby out. 
Afterwards I felt like a failure for not being able to push my daughter out-even with the help of meds, and that I was too much of a chicken to try different labor positions or to speak up about my iv. I felt guilty and sad about it for a month after daughter was born, and then had no time to think about it. Now that I'm pregnant with number 2, I will definitely be more assertive about things and take as much control as I can. All I can be is hopeful that next time will be better. And at the end of the day I have a healthy baby.


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## teal

I still feel sad about it but it gets better :hugs: 

I wanted a water birth at a birth centre but when waters broke they were a thick meconium so ended up transferring to high risk unit attached to monitors, was emergency forceps delivery followed by 3 hours in theatre being stitched up :( 

Xx


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## baileybubs

I think I just wanted to experience this "magical experience" that I had read from other women and yet mine didn't happen anything like that. Plus now I feel I have to wait longer to ttc number 2 coz I ended up having a c section. Of course I am so thankful that Emilia is here safe and is healthy, I just get a bit jealous when I read about other people's brilliant birth stories lol!! Is that a bit weird of me?


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## teal

It's not weird at all. I feel jealous, especially when it's a water birth because that's what I'd wanted. :hugs: you're not alone in feeling that way xx


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## baileybubs

Thanks teal. I had told myself before the birth that I should keep an open mind and I pretty much knew it was possible I wouldn't be able to have a water birth, but I just don't think I expected everything to go the complete opposite to what I had hoped lol! 
And it's so scary when your baby gets in distress too, doesn't make for a very magical experience really lol! 
I'd still do it all over again though exactly the same if I had to for her, or for any future child lol!


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## Aready

Not sure if this makes you feel better at all, but my birth plan went according to plan and I wouldn't call it a "magical experience".


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## baileybubs

I didn't really have a set birth plan as such, I just knew I didn't want to be stuck still on a bed lying down, and I really didn't want to have to have an epidural. I guess none of it really matters anyway I just find myself a little sad about it every now and again.


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## XJessicaX

Hey, if I am completely honest my disappointment in my 1st labour only truly went after my 2nd labour. My first was just nothing I had imagined, I probably had a bit of post traumatic stress after it! It lessened 6 months PP but it still was a sore topic. My second labour was fast and easy. Walking out of hospital I had this clear headed feeling of "WOOHOO I DID IT!" and it completely erased my first bad experience!


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## MumMumMum

I ended up induced for pre e with my first, in bed on monitors and drips. I lost a lot of blood & was out of it for a lot of the labour - I only really remember the pain.

I wanted a water birth. I still haven't really got over how it went. I'm ok until someone talks about a water birth or there's one on tv. 

Because of last time i've been told there's no chance of a water birth this time either. I'm looking at another induction for going over anyway.

This time i'm just hoping to remember it and have it as complication free as possible.


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## tristansmum

I was so upset after my first was born. I had no set birth plan but still had an idea of a nice natural birth. I ended up induced with obstetric cholestasis which went ok. Didn't need the drip or anything. However it took a while and by the time I was 3 cm I was shattered. So don't cope well with the pain and ended up getting pethadine. This meant I was too tired and out of it to stay upright. Anyway fast forward to 10cm and me pushing fir hours. Nothing was moving so went to theatre for forceps and spinal. He still would nor come so had emcs. I was so dissapointed I didn't push him out. Bf and bonding was not good. Had bad baby blues for about 6 weeks. I waS jealous of my friends and their natural, vaginal births. I was obsessed with watching birth videos like obem and then felt so upset cause the ladies could give birth properly.

I think at 5-6 months I felt better. Time enough had passed that I could let it go. I became determines that next time I would do it differently. I knew I would try for vbac.

3 weeks ago I got my vbac! Spontaneous labour at 40+6. From first painful contraction (had painless bh type contractions all day) at 7pm to him born 11.10pm was 4 hours! 1 hour of pushing. Only had gas and air and nothing for pushing. Something things still didn't go to plan... I laboured on the bed as still had to be on monitor and I got a tear after his shoulder got a bit stick but I did it!!!! I finally feel healed about my first experience. I


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## Dawnlouise30

nearly 8 months PP i am still not 'over it', but i am not quite as bitter and annoyed as i was.

I had a similar experience to you, though he was finally delivered with forceps in theatre in the end. but yes, i was induced then they put a drip on, constant monitoring, not being able to be in the position i wanted to be in etc..... it all felt very much out of my control.

I had a birth review when LO was 4 months and that helped a bit.


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## baileybubs

Thanks ladies,

I think thats the nail on the head of it Dawn, the lack of control I had in anything.
I am hoping for a vbac next time and maybe that will take away this disappointment, but hopefully it will dwindle anyway.

tristansmum, congratulations on your vbac!!


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## cocosianelle

I could've written that first post myself as my birth was so similar!

Like you I wanted the natural route, lovely calm water birth with just gas and air - no epidural and hubby and I hadn't even spoken about a c-section as my pregnancy had been really straight forward.

After spending 3 days in 'labour' and finding out our LO was big and back to back their really was no other option other than the c-section. Very similar to you I was put on a drip as soon as I got into hospital because my pulse was too high. I too was hooked up to god knows what machines and couldn't move anywhere which was horrible. I only managed to get to 5cm after having my waters broke and that was with oxytocin to speed up my contractions, that worked because they seemed never ending but I just wasn't dilating. Following this I decided to have the epidural as my contractions were just horrific because of baby being back to back. The midwife told me I'd be able to sleep, no chance it wore off in about an hour so after prodding and poking around to try and move it we just gave up. I'd also had a spinal block which didn't take so in the end when it had taken me over 12 hours to go from 4cm to 5cm enough was enough. 

To be honest I don't remember everything that happened where as my hubby does and its him I feel more sorry for as I was just crying in pain all the time. I think it was a bit of a relief having the EMCS as I just knew nothing was going to get the baby out and I remember just sobbing when I'd only got to 5cm. Its funny because thats where you need to get to have a water birth - how ironic!

It took me a few days for everything to set in and then it hit me what I'd been through and I had a good cry. I think two things that really helped me, my hubs was amazing through out everything and I couldn't have done it without him and the other thing was being told by numerous midwives/doctors that I'd never had given birth naturally which made it more acceptable for me.


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## Nikkilewis14

i had a pretty traumatic birth. 2 hours of hard pushing, falling asleep between contractions, tailbone cracked, and an episiotomy, then baby went into distress and had cord wrapped around her neck twice, def not the birth i imagined.. I still suffer from PPD and get sad about it quite often even though that was almost 6 months ago.. i think its natural to feel that way!.. no worries!


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## OmiOmen

I am really, really sorry you had a bad experience. I think a lot of what you have said is a natural way to feel after a negative experience. :hugs:

I wanted a natural birth and was hoping I might get a home birth with DS1 but he was breach, I had pre-eclampsia and strep-b and some minor concerns so had to have a planned c-section. I was really jealous of people who got a nice pregnancy and/or birth but started to feel more positive about 3 years later when I was approaching a VBAC with my second. The pregnancy did not have any medical issues but then I went overdue and then my waters broke and even though his head was really low not much was happening so I ended up getting induced. After 4 hours of labour I was in agony and asked for an epidural even though I was only 3cm's but it didn't work and the pain got worse and I felt it in my bladder and knew something was wrong. The doctor could not see any outward signs of an issue but since I was not progressing and DS2 was having minor signs of distress he suggested an EMCS and I agreed knowing I would die if I didn't. Just as we was getting ready for theatre DS2 showed massive signs of distress and I was rushed out of the room within a minute. I was right and when the surgeon cut through the first layer DS2 was outside of my uterus. My uterus, vagina and bladder had all ruptured, my urethra was crushed, I'd lost a fair bit of blood, my bowel had dropped under the uterus (it should sit above it) and I apparently just looked a horrific mess inside. I was told me and DS2 were minutes away from dying. Plus I now have to wear a catheter to act as a stent for a month to fix the damage of the crushed urethra. I was pumped full of drugs via a drip for a couple of days before switching to a pile of oral and injection medications for a week. I am particularly mad about the recovery process involved and having a lot of restrictions for 6 months. I feel VERY lucky we made it but upset about what we went through. If I felt bad about not getting a natural birth with DS1 after 3 years I am sure that I will now never learn to stop feeling jealous about positive birth stories after what happened with DS2...I know that sounds horrid but I can not help that pang of jealousy.

I think talking about it on threads like this can help though because you know your not alone in what you are feeling.


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## teal

Sending everyone massive hugs :hugs: you're right talking about it helps. I always found when I mentioned how I felt I always got the "healthy baby is all that matters" comment and obviously everyone knows the babies health is top priority but the mother matters too and those kinds of comments can be very silencing. (In my experience) 

It really does help knowing we're not alone :hugs::hugs:


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## baileybubs

Gosh omiomen, your labour and delivery makes mine sound a walk in the park!! I'm so sorry you and ds2 had such a traumatic time!! I would be suffering PTSD if that had been me, I was actually wincing reading hour story!! Big hugs to you and your LO for making it through that! And I would imagine the recovery is still ongoing for you at the moment so I hope it gets better Hun :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: 

Teal yes I do feel that too, of course I am over the moon that my baby is safe and healthy and if someone told me I had to go through it all again to keep her safe or for a future child yes I would do it, but it doesn't stop it from being a traumatic experience and doesn't stop us wishing it had been different. It can be a little upsetting when people do "wave away" your feelings of sadness and disappointment regarding what is, for a lot of women, quite a horrible thing to go through.


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## OmiOmen

I got seen by the mental health team as is normal for those types of births and they said that the PTSD was in the normal range for that experience. I think it would be worse had it been my first, you sort of bounce back quicker the second time. :thumbup:

I agree with teal too, saying it is a healthy baby that matters is true but doesn't help much when your struggling to deal with what you have gone through. :flower:


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## cocosianelle

Oh wow OmiOmen what an experience you went through! Really glad everything turned out ok & sounds like you are on the road to recovery.

I think it does help to talk about it and its good to hear other stories as I sometimes feel I'm being a bit OTT when telling other people what happened.


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## OmiOmen

cocosianelle said:


> I think it does help to talk about it and its good to hear other stories as I sometimes feel I'm being a bit OTT when telling other people what happened.

I think it is worth remembering it isn't a competition and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's. Pregnancy/birth/motherhood comes with so many expectations and when they turn out massively different to what you expected it is natural to be saddened by it. I know that out of 4 pregnancies (MMC, natural MC, Pre-eclampsia/breach position, and uterine rupture) I was left feeling like my body failed each time. Even when the outcome is positive in the end the journey there can have a huge emotional effect still. :flower:


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## aliss

Truthfully about 2.5 years which was when I had the 2nd. I wasn't sad about it not going to plan, but upset that it went a way it didn't have to (there were some medical mistakes with mine). Big hugs :hugs:


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## preg_pilot

OmiOme - Wow... that sounds horrific... I thought my labour and delivery was bad until I read your story...

I felt sad for about 1-2 months after birth of my son. He´s now 4 months old, and I´m still recuperating, but getting better every day.

I planned a home birth, in water with hypno-birth pain management.
Not what I got.
I ended up in hospital, with a drip, with a failed epi (paralyzed with pain on my right side, basically desensitized on the left side, while hypersensitive on the right one).
Took 10 hours after I got into the hospital (after 28 hours at home, thereof 8 in severe pain)
We ended up with a ventouse delivery with an episiotomy, I lost a lot of blood, and got a spinal headache for 3 days afterwards. My son ended up in ICU with jaundice as I couldn´t breastfeed him properly at first.

What I´m really worried about is if I ever do get pregnant again, is if I´ll completely and totally panic about the future labour...


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## Louise88

My midwife told me with my first its best to always go in labour with an open mind as you don't know how its going to go until your doing it, I want a water birth this time but still have the thought in my head when the time comes my labour may decide to take a different turn. I think it's important that we don't get to dead set on giving birth one way and still keep In mind what could happen instead.


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## teal

I feel like I did have an open mind. I knew I might not get a water birth. It's not much that my birth was very different to what I wanted, just how traumatic it was for me. I am jealous when women have wonderful births with no complications and no on-going issues because of serious 3rd and 4the degree tears...

Edit : jealous might not even be the right word. Of course I have some pangs of jealousy but mostly I'm just sad.


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## Viola Payne

But a healthy baby isn't all that matters, mothers matter too.

It is jaunt very sad to me that birth seems to have gone full circle, at least in the US, and has now become more dangerous again.

In my situation they kept trying to convince me to have a c-section saying that I wouldn't dial ate. They were using some pretty obvious emotional/psychological manipulation tactics to try to get me to agree to the surgery by scaring me into it but I knew there was nothing wrong. All they talked about was what could go wrong, not that there actually was something wrong. I don't want to go into details. Suffice to say I had forceps delivery after 38 hours of labour. To this day I have intense feelings of hatred toward my midwife, haven't ever disliked anyone so intensely in my adult life before. But her betrayal, the sense of being alone, the total awareness that they were lying to me (telling me there are no risks to a c-section), then afterwards her constantly telling me all that matters is a healthy baby - trying to convince me that they were justifies in what they did, all awful.

Omi your experience sounds truly horrendous, thank God you're okay. I know one other woman who had a ruptured uterus (from c section scar) and ended up with hysterectomy. C-sections are very risky for mothers and babies but hospitals seem to love them since no one can say they didn't do absolutely everything to try to save mom/baby of there's a lawsuit. It's clear that hospitals have their own interest which may be adverse to the interest of women and babies. What's concerning is how little knowledge and awareness there is of these underlying issues


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## LockandKey

2 years later and I'm still quite sad about how my first birth went, I was completely robbed of my experience, and that wasn't the worst part, my newborn baby suffered from it because of the morons working the floor that night. I really wanted an all natural birth, and got anything but.

my problems started with DD being in a bad position during labor, which caused sporadic, unstable contractions, so I broke down and asked for the epi after dealing I stopped dilating, was threatened with pictocin, and dealt with painful contractions every 20 seconds for 2 hrs straight. DD was facing sideways coming down the birth canal, which was never caught, and the doctors never even knew it was going on (actually I never even knew myself until I told my story to my now midwife, and she figured it out without even being there!) and got stuck twice on her way out, first her head, and then her shoulder. I was only pushing for 5 mins before they decided I needed help, not even a fair chance really, so they gave me a 3rd degree cut, pulled DD out with the vacuum and forceps, and broke her collar bone to get her out the rest of the way when she got stuck for the 2nd time :( Just thinking about it now still ticks me off. For some reason they decided a student would be the best person to sew me back up after getting my cut, which took forever to finish, I didn't get to hold her because of that, DH got to hold DD first, actually, I didn't get to hold her until about 3 hrs after she was born because when I was ready to hold her and try to bf her, they decided I needed to get up from off the bed after being done receiving my stitches and go to the bathroom.

I had extra damage done to my insides after having the forceps shoved up in me that it took over a year after DD's birth to recover from until sex no longer hurt, and even DD suffered. The damage done to her neck from the forceps had ripped her delicate neck muscles, so she couldn't bf properly until my lactation consultant had helped us out for 4 weeks straight. Then DD had to take 5 months of physical therapy. She's alright now, you'd never even know by looking at her what she and I have been through, but really, who the hell wants to deal with all that crap during the first few months of your baby's life? That hospital was complete rubbish! I suffered from really bad post partum depression because of everything that had gone on, which also resulted in difficulty bonding with her for the longest time, and at the time we weren't even living close to family, so I had no one available to offer me some help or relief, I had to deal with everything all on my own.

I can honestly say it was the worst experience of my entire life, and although I am going through a midwife lead clinic that are very well educated on the birth process and have much more experience in labor, delivery and birth, I am still extremely nervous and paranoid about going through the same again, like a fear has been instilled within me, and the paranoia is so bad that I have been doing research non stop, doing exercises and baby positioning techniques daily just to avoid everything I mentioned above. Everyone says try not to worry, it won't happen again, but how can I not when I have only had a very negative experience to go off of? :nope:

I have tried to talk to my family and friends about my experience before, and they always just brush it off with the "don't worry about it, you and Nora survived, that's all that matters," response, and I know there is some truth to that, I am extremely grateful that my baby and I are still alive and well today, but that sort of answer just ticks me off, as if my feelings, fears, and the nightmare I endured doesn't matter. 

I've been given a 2nd chance to try and achieve the birth experience I would like, I just pray that all my hard work, and the trust I have in my midwife pays off.

Anyway, sorry for the super long post! It really does feel better to rant about it sometimes


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## aliss

Viola Payne said:


> But a healthy baby isn't all that matters, mothers matter too.

I agree. It's amazing how many women accept being butchered for 'the sake of a healthy baby' when they could have had BOTH


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## XJessicaX

But on the other hand some women are butchered and then lose their babies. I think this is the outcome we all fear during pregnancy and labour and just having a healthy baby is so overwhelmingly the top priority that acceptance in a disfiguration of their own body is easier.


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## preg_pilot

LockandKey - Thank you for sharing your experience, and I wish you the best of luck in your second labor and birth. :hugs:
I share your trepidation about ever getting pregnant again.
My LO is 5 months old now, and I´m still recovering from the birth, will probably have many more months in physical therapy.


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## aliss

XJessicaX said:


> But on the other hand some women are butchered and then lose their babies. I think this is the outcome we all fear during pregnancy and labour and just having a healthy baby is so overwhelmingly the top priority that acceptance in a disfiguration of their own body is easier.

Of course, but it doesn't have to be that way either. Here in North America, the rates of C-sections/episiotomies is downright disgusting because medical staff in general treat it like no big deal. You can have it both ways the majority of the time. There's no need for some poor woman to limp around and piss herself for months afterwards for the "sake of a healthy baby" when the baby's health was never actually an issue.


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## LockandKey

aliss said:


> XJessicaX said:
> 
> 
> But on the other hand some women are butchered and then lose their babies. I think this is the outcome we all fear during pregnancy and labour and just having a healthy baby is so overwhelmingly the top priority that acceptance in a disfiguration of their own body is easier.
> 
> Of course, but it doesn't have to be that way either. Here in North America, the rates of C-sections/episiotomies is downright disgusting because medical staff in general treat it like no big deal. You can have it both ways the majority of the time. There's no need for some poor woman to limp around and piss herself for months afterwards for the "sake of a healthy baby" when the baby's health was never actually an issue.Click to expand...

exactly WSS, like I mentioned, I was only pushing for 5 mins before the nurse just gave up on me and decided "well if you can't get this baby out yourself I am calling in some help." I had been laboring in that hospital for 9 hrs and I guess they were getting pretty sick of me and wanted me to get out already so someone else could use that room for a while. Total BS in my opinion, I didn't even get a fair chance to push really, and even though she was out in 10 mins with the help of intervention, there was so much more damage done to the both of us than there would have been if they just let me push her out myself. But somehow, her not being out in those first 5 mins of me pushing made her life in danger, and I've heard of ladies pushing for an hr or two with their LO's just fine...doesn't make sense really, the system here most often likes to do what is most convenient for them or what will get them the most money.


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