# One step forward, ten steps back.



## yazoo

I feel like any progress I have made is gone. I'm so down. I just want my baby. I'm sick of putting on a face and saying I'm ok when I'm not. I'm not ok at all. :cry::cry::cry::cry:

I'm in a mood alot of the time and today I just can't stop crying. Absolutely everything is getting on top of me. What is a little problem or issue in my life is intensified so much and I feel like it is a major issue. Before now I could deal with things pretty well but the littlest thing leaves me wanting to cry and just go and hide somewhere. Today I feel like just hiding from the world. I feel bad for my DD and OH because I am moody but I just can't help it. I feel anxious all the time and have an almost constant feeling of pressure in my chest which I think is anxiety but I'm not sure. 

I am absolutely dreading Xmas but I have to go ahead and pretend that I'm ok for the sake of my family. I really don't know what to do. I haven't shared how I am feeling with anyone but today I am just so down and can't stop crying so I felt like I needed to share with you guys. 

I'm sorry for the ramble. xxx


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## mhazzab

I feel the same :hugs:

this past week I have cried more than I have in ages. I went back to work two weeks ago and have ended up taking more time off as I couldn't stop bursting into tears (peoples stupid conversations didnt help mind you). I went to the in-laws on Sunday and ended up in tears when I came home, it was too much for me. And i cried when I came home from the supermarket on Saturday, because there was Christmas stuff everywhere, and all I could think about was Eve and Megan. I just want to hold them again, I miss them so much...I just keep thinking I should be wrapping them up warm in those cute little snowsuits you see, and showing them off to the world. Instead I'm sitting at home crying because I never got to know them.

For me, I think it's Christmas that's doing it...I know you have your due date soon too, the two weeks leading up to that were awful for me.

Sorry for waffling, just wanted you to know you are not the only one feeling this way, unfortunately I have a feeling it might get worse over the next 3-4 weeks, but, we are all here for each other and we can be honest about how we are feeling and, sometimes maybe it makes you feel a little bit better just to scream and shout and cry and let it all out. We'll get each other through this, I know we will xxxx


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## Hellylou

I'm sorry you're feeling so low today :hugs: 

I had a very bad dip a couple of weeks ago. I was down to the point where I just didn't want to get out of bed. With your due date and Christmas coming up it is no wonder you are feeling bad at the moment. And the weight on your chest is anxiety and grief. 

Perhaps you could try telling people around you the truth. Tell them actually you are _not_ ok. Let them in. I have been amazed by the support I have had from some of my friends and family as soon as they heard I wasn't doing so well. People can surprise you.

That's entirely your choice of course, and we are always here to lend an ear. I just know how hard it is to put on that brave face around people when inside you are falling apart - the mask needs to slip sometimes, and when it does, it's not the end of the world.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## yazoo

Mhairi- thank you. Your not waffling. Its so good to hear other peoples experiences and know that I am not alone. I am trying to avoid Xmas stuff in the shops and I can't go near the baby section because seeing new born baby clothes make me well up. I hate that we are going through this. I wish we could have our babies back. Life is so unfair. Its 2 and a half weeks to the due date. There is a woman I know who shares the same due date as me ad I have tried to avoid her since the whole thing. I can't bear to see her pregnant belly as I compare it to how I should have been. Thank you for being there for me love. We will get through this together. 

Helen, I confided in a close friend today about how I was feeling. We know each other years. He said "you need to move on from this". Thank God he wasn't beside me because I think I may have punched him. :haha: I think when he asked me how I was he expected me to say I'm was ok but I told him the thruth and that is the reply I got. :cry: I think everyone else probably thinks the same so I will just keep it to myself and share with OH and you girls on here. Its not like it has been a year since it has happened. Its only been over 3 and a half months. It wasn't a pet that I lost but a child. Do people really think that after loosing your child that its easy to go on with life as normal. :cry: Thank you for replying hun. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

You posted on my other thread I was feeling the same and still am, it is so normal and I know it comes and then it goes. The pressure you say you feel in your chest I get that also it is from nerves, but I would just make sure that it is from nerves and nothing more, be careful with that. I am dreading Christmas, i wanted to be pregnant by Christmas :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: I cry so much that my eyes swell shut, it is horrible, try to calm yourself and maybe just maybe by Christmas we all will feel a little better. I feel like a weirdo one day I am ok and happy and the next I am on the couch crying, my son thinks I am a nutbag :wacko::wacko::wacko: they just don't understand all he says is I know Mom your missing Ava again, i know mom :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
I want you to feel better and I wish i could wrap my heart around you and everyone and save us from this terrible pain, but I can't do that, all I can say is I am here always and i love you all. I pray things get easier for us all 
I love you All:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Honey I have been feeling the exact same way lately :( I feel like I was healing and getting better... but around the holidays I feel like I ma struggling. I should be enjoying snuggling with a teeny little 2 week old baby right now and I'm not. I always always talk about Hadlee like I am "Over it" but I never will be... but yet dont want to bring people down if I do talk about her. I just want xmas to be over, and I want this down feeling to lift off my chest soon. :( But if it helps any... I just started an anti-anxiety pill last week and it seems to have taken the edge off :hugs:


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## jojo23

awe hun im so so sorry your feeling down!! think this time of year is gonna be especially hard on everyone but we're all here for you whenever you need to have a lil rant. you should take some time out for yourself and go for a massage or somethin hun just to have a little you time away from everything cause lets face it as much as we all love our other halves sometimes we need an hour or 2 away from them lol. 

always here if you need anything hun xxxxxxxxxx


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## OliveBay

Sorry you're feeling so down. Is there anyone you feel really comfortable talking to and confiding in? I've found that I've opened up to some people who I wasn't very close to before, in fact I've confided in them more than I have with some of my best friends. Some people are just easier to talk to and have asked the right questions at the right moments. Its funny how you don't always find your support where you expect it.

Something to relax you would be a great idea, like jojo23 suggested. I have some relaxation cds that I find useful to listen to when I can't get to sleep. Or do you feel that talking to a bereavement counsellor would help? I'm sure your hospital or doctor could recommend someone if you felt that was what you wanted. 

I totally understand what you mean about the smallest things just feeling too much. Try to go easy on yourself and remember that our physical and emotional resources have been totally drained by the experiences we've been through - we need to give ourselves chance to re-charge our batteries and this takes a long time :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Oh hun I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, I am as well, I think it is Christmas and your due date doing it to you. The weight on your chest is anxiety and grief I think, I get it too and often feel like I'm holding my breath. I haven't got past my Due date yet so can't tell you about that but it's approach does weigh heavy on me too. i wish I could say more, but it will all be over soon. I do think you need to tell your family what you are really feeling though, so they can show some sensitivity to you on the day. Your'e not bringing them down, you are letting them in a bit and you may buy yourself some space and help as a result. I hope it's not too hard on you hon. 

I'm so sorry the first person you chose to open up to responded like that, I could choke him for you! Men just don't get it, even less than other women who haven't suffered loss and they want to fix it as well, so can't just listen. I hope you get better support, or just stick to those who know and understand...

I've been better able to hide from Christmas because it's hot here and still doesn't feel like Christmas as I know it, but for those of you who are feeling the change of seasons as normal run-up it will bring so many emotive feelings out. Denial isn't the best plan though I'm just gonna get taken by surprise by it, I can't ignore it much longer for DD's sake. 

I will say that if it wasn't for DD then I probably wouldn't still be here either and having to keep going for her sake is hard when I just want to go to ground but it has kept me busy and stopped me from going too deep into it, IYKWIM. I hope your DD helps you through this too. xxx


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## yazoo

Thank you Andrea- I too really want to be pregnant by Xmas. I guess I will know in the next week. I don't think I'd be so lucky though. LOL I know what you mean about feeling ok one minutes and then in the depths of drpression the next. I think at times I have multi-personality disorder. lol. Thanks so much Andrea for being here for everyone. I love you for that. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

Thank you Kiki- I wish you had your Hadlee here with you and I hope Christmas is gentle on you. Its crazy but I want to be pregnant so bad that I don't think I'd go on any pills but if it doesn't happen this month I might just give them a go. 

Thanks Joelene, your right maybe I do need to do something relaxing by myself. The weather in this damn country is getting me down too. I went to Jakob's grave yesterday and it was waterlogged. I just started balling. We will fix it up when this torrential rain lets up, if it ever does. 

Olive- I do have people who I am comfortable talking to but I won't take up the subject with them as anytime I mention Jakob, people seem uncomfortable. Its more than likely that they just don't know what to say. Saying that I got a beautiful message from an old friend yesterday who I haven't seen for years. She said all the right things and I appreciated it so much. 

Nikki- yeah the feeling in my chest is like I am holding my breath or like I have a big chunk of food lodged in my windpipe. Lol I could choke my friend too and this guy is studying to be a counsellor. I really thought he would understand and be emphatic because he is trained to do so but nope. 

I understand what you mean about only for your DD. Those thoughts have crossed my mind too but then I have to give myself a good talking to and think how silly it is. Like any other child she is really looking forward to Christmas and whether I like it or not I have to put on a brave face and make it a special one for her. I hope when you have to start thinking about Christmas that it doesn't hit you too hard but I am here for you if it does happen. 

Thank you girls so much. I appreciate each and every one of you and I am so glad that I have you all here. You are true friends to me now. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

yazoo said:


> Thank you Andrea- I too really want to be pregnant by Xmas. I guess I will know in the next week. I don't think I'd be so lucky though. LOL I know what you mean about feeling ok one minutes and then in the depths of drpression the next. I think at times I have multi-personality disorder. lol. Thanks so much Andrea for being here for everyone. I love you for that. :hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> Thank you Kiki- I wish you had your Hadlee here with you and I hope Christmas is gentle on you. Its crazy but I want to be pregnant so bad that I don't think I'd go on any pills but if it doesn't happen this month I might just give them a go.
> 
> Thanks Joelene, your right maybe I do need to do something relaxing by myself. The weather in this damn country is getting me down too. I went to Jakob's grave yesterday and it was waterlogged. I just started balling. We will fix it up when this torrential rain lets up, if it ever does.
> 
> Olive- I do have people who I am comfortable talking to but I won't take up the subject with them as anytime I mention Jakob, people seem uncomfortable. Its more than likely that they just don't know what to say. Saying that I got a beautiful message from an old friend yesterday who I haven't seen for years. She said all the right things and I appreciated it so much.
> 
> Nikki- yeah the feeling in my chest is like I am holding my breath or like I have a big chunk of food lodged in my windpipe. Lol I could choke my friend too and this guy is studying to be a counsellor. I really thought he would understand and be emphatic because he is trained to do so but nope.
> 
> I understand what you mean about only for your DD. Those thoughts have crossed my mind too but then I have to give myself a good talking to and think how silly it is. Like any other child she is really looking forward to Christmas and whether I like it or not I have to put on a brave face and make it a special one for her. I hope when you have to start thinking about Christmas that it doesn't hit you too hard but I am here for you if it does happen.
> 
> Thank you girls so much. I appreciate each and every one of you and I am so glad that I have you all here. You are true friends to me now. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Yea I think I have BiPolar disorder :wacko::wacko::wacko: I know it is a serious thing (I am not making fun of it) but God this is how I feel, how can I be on my kness crying then the next day i am laughing at something :wacko::wacko::wacko: this is just what we are going to go through for awhile it takes time, but we will get to a happy place I know it..
XXOXOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## babylou

I'm sorry it's such a struggle for you at the moment. 

I know alot of my focus is on being a strong mummy for my DD. She really hated me being in hospital when I lost Samuel. Indeed, we are hardly ever apart, so it was very difficult when I was away a whole night. OH works away alot, so although she doesn't like it she is more used to it.

So Christmas is a time for us all to be together and do family things. We will all remember and talk about Samuel I'm sure, and he will be part of that time together. Just not in the way we had hoped.

I hope you find something that helps you get through this time. We are all here to listen.

love and hugs:hugs::hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

How are you today, hon? Thinking of you xxx


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## Andypanda6570

Nikki_d72 said:


> How are you today, hon? Thinking of you xxx

Me too........ XOOXOX Hope you have a wonderful day ( The both of you) :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## yazoo

Hi beautifuls- I'm doing ok. I'm feeling better today thank god. What a rollercoaster we are on. I hope you are doing good..

:hugs::hugs:


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## TrinUC

Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss. With time we will all heal, I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I can't even get myself to believe it. 
I'm also very sorry about you sharing your due date with a woman you know, my sister is pregnant and I was 4 weeks further along than she is so I have been avoiding her as well. I know I will compare her progress with what mine should have been. I feel bad because my sister is trying to support me, but I can't bring myself to see her now. This is a very hard thing to go through and I'm very sorry that you have to experience this..


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## Nikki_d72

TrinUC said:


> Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss. With time we will all heal, I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I can't even get myself to believe it.
> I'm also very sorry about you sharing your due date with a woman you know, my sister is pregnant and I was 4 weeks further along than she is so I have been avoiding her as well. I know I will compare her progress with what mine should have been. I feel bad because my sister is trying to support me, but I can't bring myself to see her now. This is a very hard thing to go through and I'm very sorry that you have to experience this..

I'm so sorry for your loss, so recently too. I hope you stick around here with us and let us help you in any way we can. Feel free to share anything you like - rants, feelings, questions, anything you like. 

It's so hard having others due around the same time as you - a lady I know just had her son 2 weeks early and had the same due date as me, my other neighbour is 4 weeks behind me and I can barely look at her, all I see is her belly. It being your sister must be so, so hard, and nearly impossible to avoid - I'm so sorry. 

Much love to you and your precious angel xxx


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## TrinUC

Nikki_d72 said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss, so recently too. I hope you stick around here with us and let us help you in any way we can. Feel free to share anything you like - rants, feelings, questions, anything you like.
> 
> It's so hard having others due around the same time as you - a lady I know just had her son 2 weeks early and had the same due date as me, my other neighbour is 4 weeks behind me and I can barely look at her, all I see is her belly. It being your sister must be so, so hard, and nearly impossible to avoid - I'm so sorry.
> 
> Much love to you and your precious angel xxx

Thank you, I can tell you all are wonderful women and can help me get through this. I'm very sorry to all of you who have had to experience something so painful.


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## yazoo

TrinUC said:


> Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss. With time we will all heal, I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I can't even get myself to believe it.
> I'm also very sorry about you sharing your due date with a woman you know, my sister is pregnant and I was 4 weeks further along than she is so I have been avoiding her as well. I know I will compare her progress with what mine should have been. I feel bad because my sister is trying to support me, but I can't bring myself to see her now. This is a very hard thing to go through and I'm very sorry that you have to experience this..

Thank you for replying. :hugs: I replied on your other thread but again I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard for you with your sister being pregnant. I can't imagine that and I understand completely why you are trying to avoid her and each milestone she reaches will be hard for you. :nope: Life is very unfair and I hate that you have to go through that. You will receive great support here and will meet a great bunch of people. :hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

yazoo said:


> Hi beautifuls- I'm doing ok. I'm feeling better today thank god. What a rollercoaster we are on. I hope you are doing good..
> 
> :hugs::hugs:

I am SOOooo happy to hear it..XOOXO All My Love :kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## TrinUC

yazoo said:


> TrinUC said:
> 
> 
> Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss. With time we will all heal, I feel like a hypocrite saying that because I can't even get myself to believe it.
> I'm also very sorry about you sharing your due date with a woman you know, my sister is pregnant and I was 4 weeks further along than she is so I have been avoiding her as well. I know I will compare her progress with what mine should have been. I feel bad because my sister is trying to support me, but I can't bring myself to see her now. This is a very hard thing to go through and I'm very sorry that you have to experience this..
> 
> Thank you for replying. :hugs: I replied on your other thread but again I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard for you with your sister being pregnant. I can't imagine that and I understand completely why you are trying to avoid her and each milestone she reaches will be hard for you. :nope: Life is very unfair and I hate that you have to go through that. You will receive great support here and will meet a great bunch of people. :hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

:hugs:You're very welcome and thank you. Yeah, I started my own thread because I didn't want to disturb your thread and take it away from you. Yes, it is very hard with her being pregnant.. she came to visit me yesterday and I could barely look at her. I don't mean to be soo cold towards her, I wish nothing but the best for her and her unborn child, especially since she lost her first daughter when she was 4 months old, but I can't bring myself to touch her or hug her because I will feel her belly.

I've recieved a lot of support since I started here yesterday and all of you are wonderful women and I am very sorry any of us had to go through any of this, it's not fair at all. I feel like a 3yr. old claiming things aren't fair, but they really aren't..

How are you doing today?


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