# The footprint pendant:my loss story



## FngrsCrossed

Hello to all that read this, I would first like to offer my sympathy and empathy for your loss(es).

I am a mom to 4 cildren3 living and now..1 Angel (Masyn). It took me only 4 months to conceive after getting off Mirena. Dh and I were ecstatic to get a positive. We went to the Dr. and everything was going just fine. I did find out I had a cyst the size of my pregnant Uterus though. Dr. said there was no need to worry, it would eventually pop but still no cause for alarm (yea I know, not comforting). I went to my next appointments like clockwork, still no issues. We had our gender ultrasound in October, baby was backward and breech. So we never knew the sex. Dr. couldn't even measure any organs. we got to see the head, brain and a cute little leg. we were scheduled another ultrasound in November, on our anniversary. I remember thinking oh wow, what a great gift this baby is giving to us. The surprise of know the sex.

November came in and I was still doing fine. Went to families house to watch a football game and came home. Two days later (Nov. 7th), I wake up at midnight. I felt a little achy and weird. Dh says I started tossing and turning at about 10 p.m. I felt pain in my vagina, some contractions and like I was wearing a little "belt" of pain. I timed the contraction for an hour, then dh says, ok enough is enough, there comes a time when it's not about asking it's about telling you...you're going to the hospital. He rounds the sleeping kids up, and I wait outside. I was hurting so bad, standing made it worse. We got in the car, I drove, yes...I did drive. It would have felt like a long trip if Dh drove, so I drove. I was squeezing his hand with eery contraction. We got to the hospital, I got out, he left to bring the kids to my mom. I had to sit and register despite the pain.

The nurse came to get me wheeled my up to LDR. I got undressed and in bed. All this time I am thinking, make this pain stop! And this is only a UTI, I am going to be fine.:wacko: One of the nurses examined me, she says nothing, she tilts the bed to elevate my feet above my head, looks at the other nurse and leaves (I hate that). Then the other nurse asks me 2 more questions while she is typing and leaves also (I really hate that). so I am lying there hurting, waiting on dh, alone, confused, and scared as a sinner before God! The younger nurse comes bck in to finish asking me questions, I stop her and ask,"What am I dilated?" she says yes and nothing more. The older nurse comes back in and I ask her "well, how dilated am I?" She says, "8 and your bag is bulging." I began to cry, I though well maybe they can stitch me and stop these contractions. She tells me that they called my Dr. and he is on his way, he must have taken 10 minutes because he was there in no time flat. He examined me, said "You are 10 cm Danricka, your bag is bulging, do you feel like you need to push?" I told him no, (a lie) I didn't want that feeling to be the truth. He did an ultrasound and saw that baby was still breech. He said, we are going to have to do a C-section and left to get everything prepped to do so. Shortly after the news DH walks in, I tell him whats going on, and that "I can't do this." He says "you have to, you don't have a choice." He held my hand and I prayed silently and cried. More sooner than later, they came back to get me. 

I was rolled into the O.R. slid on the table, rolled to my side and given a spinal. they called my husband in after I was prepped. He held my hand as we waited; waited for the best, waited for the worst or something in between. I started to vomit, despite not eating late the night before. It was everywere, my face, my hands (which werent strapped), my gown, the floor...All I could do was pray, pray silently. Talk to God, beg God...even vow. I felt a sense of peace, and I said "God, this is your will and not mine, I dedicate and give this baby back to you, live or die this baby is yours." All along I hope live was the answer. Dh was crying, they pulled the baby out and wicked it off, no cry. Nothing. Dh cried harder. I felt responsible and inadequate. The neo-natologist came in and said, baby is alive, its a boy, we are giving him help to breathe. RELIEF.

I was rolled in the bed to see him in the NICU, with Dh by my side. He weighed in at a tiny 1lb 3oz and was 12 1/2 inches long. I began to have more hope after seeing him.

We spent so much time in the NICU, praying, hoping, and standing on Faith. I have always been a prayer, but having a preemie will definitely make you pray even more. We named him Masyn Josiah. I ended up getting and infection and had my hospital stay extended. Because of our babies status and the distance from the hospital, we were allowed to room in. The NICU Dr. was one that was on call, so we had to "deal with" the regular Neonatologist. He was a piece of work, proceeded to tell me on day 5 or 6 of our babies life that "it's all downhill from here." Yes you read it right! :growlmad:I was going to ask him why is that? Is it because you are giving up? Instead I said well, for you it is, but I am a mother and I believe in the power of prayer. 

On the 14th of November we were visited by the LPN in NICU, she asked me if I wanted to hold my baby, I started crying and said yes. Little did I know why she was asking. Later that night she phoned the room for us to come to NICU, we went and stayed for hours. Masyn's BP was all over, my parents came in and stayed for a while. We were told that we could go and get some sleep and if anything changed we would be notified. 2 hours of sleep and then a barge in the room by a nurse. I ran to NICU with a C-section as fast as I could. We got there to see them doing CPR on our baby. I broke down, they sat me in a chair, lifted him and placed him in my arms. I kissed his face. His skin was so soft. Soft as silk. I knew he was going and there was nothing I could do about it. Not even pray. I whispered in his ear, "I love you so much, more than anything in this world, you have been such a big boy; when you didn't have to be. If you are tired of fighting, I won't keep you here. If you are ready to go be an Angel then you can go...I love you." He took his last breath in my arms. Dh held him for a few minutes also. We gave him back to the nurse. The Dr. pronounced him at 3:23 a.m. November 15...our 10th wedding anniversary. :cry: We spent the next hour on the phone with both our parents, crying and in disbelief. Our beautiful son was cleaned up, dressed and brought to our room to spend time with us and give us a chance to say goodbye. We took pictures and admired him, we cried like we never had before. We were given a memory box; it holds his BP cuff, one of his diapers, his outfit, hospital bracelet and the precious little blanket they wrapped him in.

Besides the Dr. the rest of the staff were awesome. We got really good support from everyone. The hardest thing to do is to lose a child, so each and every one of you ladies have my deepest sympathy. :flower: I received a footprint pendant to wear in memory of my baby, he is missed and always thought of.


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## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Masyn :cry::cry::cry: Thank you for sharing your story, my heart breaks for you :cry::cry:
I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 i got pregnant by total accident, I was overjoyed though :cloud9::cloud9: Then to find out it was a girl, something I thought I would never have, I was in heaven .. Then at my appt. was told there is no heartbeat. I was devastated. I refused the D&E and after I found out what it was and I choose not to go to the hospital and I gave birth in my bathroom. We held her and we buried Ava on 3/11/2011. It has taken me till now 10 months later to be able to smile again, I was really bad for a long time.

Time does ease this pain there is hope, i promise you . You never forget but you do get through this . Nobody understand unless they have been through it, this pain is something I never even knew existed :cry::cry::cry: Most days now are good but then the pain sneaks up on me and find myself crying and just asking why.

The ladies in this section are amazing and I am so glad you found your way here, we help each-other so much. If you ever need to talk i am here. Again thank you for sharing your precious boy with us and your feelings, it means so much..
XOOXOX ANdrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Hellylou

My goodness what a tragic story, I am so so sorry. No one should ever have to say goodbye to their little baby like that. So sorry. :hugs:


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## Bride2b

I am so sorry, your story has had me in floods of tears.:cry: The things you said to your precious baby were beautiful. I too have a pendant in memory of my son - his little thumb print on a heart shaped pendant. My waters ruptured at 19 + 3 on 28th Nov, he still had a heartbeat when I was admitted, but I delievered him 8 hours after my waters went. The only time I got to tell him I love him was when I went back to the hospital to get imprints of his hands & feet & his little thumb (which was used for the pendant). I wish I had found more words to say like you did to your LO.

Again I am so sorry for your loss, everyone here is so welcoming & are so helpful in relieving the pain you may feel xxxx


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## kiki04

Oh hun what a tragic story :cry: I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon :cry: I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though :hugs: :hugs:


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## FngrsCrossed

Andypanda6570 said:


> I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Masyn :cry::cry::cry: Thank you for sharing your story, my heart breaks for you :cry::cry:
> I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 i got pregnant by total accident, I was overjoyed though :cloud9::cloud9: Then to find out it was a girl, something I thought I would never have, I was in heaven .. Then at my appt. was told there is no heartbeat. I was devastated. I refused the D&E and after I found out what it was and I choose not to go to the hospital and I gave birth in my bathroom. We held her and we buried Ava on 3/11/2011. It has taken me till now 10 months later to be able to smile again, I was really bad for a long time.
> 
> Time does ease this pain there is hope, i promise you . You never forget but you do get through this . Nobody understand unless they have been through it, this pain is something I never even knew existed :cry::cry::cry: Most days now are good but then the pain sneaks up on me and find myself crying and just asking why.
> 
> The ladies in this section are amazing and I am so glad you found your way here, we help each-other so much. If you ever need to talk i am here. Again thank you for sharing your precious boy with us and your feelings, it means so much..
> XOOXOX ANdrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:



I am so sorry Andrea for your loss also :hugs::hugs:. Ava and Masyn are little angels, and will be missed. It's just so hard not to question, why? I don't believe it telling anyone, God knows best anymore, I have been told that so many times I hate hearing it, probably like most of us who have lost of little one. I don't want to hurt you anymore by saying this, but, I have a daughter, I couldn't imagine losing her. So I can only imagine how you feel. It's just different with a daughter than a son. There is so much more to share between mother and daughter. So I know you pain has run really deep, for some time now.

I wish I could have a magic wand or something and erase all of our sorrows. Undo what we have all lost. Are you going to TTC again? DH and I are trying again. Dr. gave the ok despite the C-section. I just need to fill some of this void. I have all of the baby stuff and no baby. :cry: I was going to give up and return all of it. But DH wouldn't let me, because this is something we have been wanting for long time. So he isn't letting me give up so easily :hugs:

I was talking to DH the other day about still births. I told him that we are privileged, our baby lived 8 days and has a birth certificate. I also told him it may be a "mom thing" but just having your child acknowledged as being a person and being alive is so important. I needless to say, cried when the BC came in the mail. The the SS# 2 days later sent me into another fit of bawling. Thank you so much for reading and responding to it, I know it is a long story, but I needed to get it out. If you just need to talk, or vent or go blah, please don't hesitate to message me. :hugs: Support is so important. :hugs:


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## FngrsCrossed

kiki04 said:


> Oh hun what a tragic story :cry: I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon :cry: I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though :hugs: :hugs:



Thank you so much :hugs:, I am glad he was in my arms also. A lot of mothers don't get that advantage, but I did.:cry: The LPN was so wonderful, she told me she had lost a set of twins, and she didn't get to hold them while they were still living. So it meant a lot to her to make sure I did. I can never repay her for that. I wish he was here, but I can do nothing more than go on and keep him in my thoughts. He was scheduled to arrive 2/29/12 via C-section, MY LEAP YEAR BABY!! :baby: But I thank you also for reading and responding. My story is extremely long I know, but it is worth it in the end. :kiss:


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## FngrsCrossed

Bride2b said:


> I am so sorry, your story has had me in floods of tears.:cry: The things you said to your precious baby were beautiful. I too have a pendant in memory of my son - his little thumb print on a heart shaped pendant. My waters ruptured at 19 + 3 on 28th Nov, he still had a heartbeat when I was admitted, but I delievered him 8 hours after my waters went. The only time I got to tell him I love him was when I went back to the hospital to get imprints of his hands & feet & his little thumb (which was used for the pendant). I wish I had found more words to say like you did to your LO.
> 
> Again I am so sorry for your loss, everyone here is so welcoming & are so helpful in relieving the pain you may feel xxxx

Thank you so much :hugs::cry:, I am so sorry for your loss also. Seeing you that have responded thus far makes me emotional, and my heart is so heavy for all of us. (Oh God here I go crying) CRUD!!!:cry: It hurts my heart so much that this has happened to us. I am even more trying to fight to understand why this happens. I am sure those that have lost a LO gets the "we don't know why" response. I got the same one. DH asked could it have been stress, or the fact that I danced 2 days before. They said no. So I am pretty sure that you nor the rest of the Angel mommy's have gotten a reason why. 

Could they tell eve you what happened, and why your water broke so early? Are you TTC again or are you waiting a while?

I want to thank you too for reading my extremely long story, and be so kind as to respond. Yes everyone here is so welcoming, that's so comforting. I don't speak to many people about Masyn, just DH and my mother. It seems to make people uncomfortable. Especially the men in my family. So being here is such a good support system. :hugs:


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## winterwonder

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one :hugs:


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## kiki04

FngrsCrossed said:


> kiki04 said:
> 
> 
> Oh hun what a tragic story :cry: I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon :cry: I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though :hugs: :hugs:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you so much :hugs:, I am glad he was in my arms also. A lot of mothers don't get that advantage, but I did.:cry: The LPN was so wonderful, she told me she had lost a set of twins, and she didn't get to hold them while they were still living. So it meant a lot to her to make sure I did. I can never repay her for that. I wish he was here, but I can do nothing more than go on and keep him in my thoughts. He was scheduled to arrive 2/29/12 via C-section, MY LEAP YEAR BABY!! :baby: But I thank you also for reading and responding. My story is extremely long I know, but it is worth it in the end. :kiss:Click to expand...

Oh bless her :cloud9: Sounds like a wonderful nurse you had :hugs: I never got the chance to hold my daughter at all. She passed away before she was born and I had the d&c because my body wouldnt go into labour. It was just hanging onto my dead child like she was still here with us. :cry:


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## Jewels84

I am so sorry you've had to go through this! But the words you said to your LO brought tears to my eyes. Like you said, be thankful that you had those precious moments. I gave birth to my little boy at 20 weeks in November. He was not born alive, and at the time we chose not to see or hold him. I will forever regret that decision that I didn't tell my baby boy goodbye, or that I loved him. I know that he's in heaven now, and he knows mommy loves him, but my heart hurts that I just left him. :sadangel: 

But we are all strong and will get through our losses together. My DH doesn't like to talk about it...ever. So it's nice to have a community like this where we can all support each other.

I know all of our little angel babies are playing together in heaven, right now! :hugs:


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## Bride2b

FngrsCrossed said:


> Could they tell eve you what happened, and why your water broke so early? Are you TTC again or are you waiting a while?

They found no cause for my loss. They dont know why my waters broke, I had no infections, or disorders, my cervix was long....so its just unknown. I've found this hard to deal with as things dont happen for no reason, something must have happened for my waters to break.

I questioned myself too, like you did with dancing. I do 2 exercise classes & my consultant said exercise is ok as long as its not lifting heavy weights or hundreds of squats. One of the classes I do is lifting weight (not really heavy-but enough for some resistance to make the muscles work) and it does involve squats. The last 2 weeks before my loss the instructor was a midwife & she was very good at telling me what I can and cant do - so I am sure she wouldnt have let me do anything that would put me at risk. But I do question it, and have decided to not do the same classes once I fall preggers again (just as a precaution) and will chose something low impact.

As for TTC again, I hope to next month - well thats the plan. I am due to OV anytime now (based on my cycles before my pregnancy), thats if my body is doing the same as it was before. I am finding it quite hard not to just say blow it & try this month. I need to decide as need to start BD! My reason to wait is that I am getting married in 6 months & have brought my dress - its cost a small fortune so cant not wear it & I chose it when I was preggers & feel like my son helped me choose it as I found it 2 days after I found out I was expecting - I had searched for months for the perfect dress. I want to wear that dress for him really. I know that might sound silly! It is one size bigger than I am (as I should have a 3 month old when I get married, so wasnt sure how much weight I'd gain) so there is scope to be preggers as the dress is going to be too big now anyway.

Are you tracking your OV? You should join us on the other 'Life after loss' thread - there are a few of us there either waiting to try, just starting to try and some who have been blessed with their BFP. Its a great place for support, many you have already met on your thread. But its great to vent your frustration & have others around you who are trying to resist poas every 5 mins xxxx


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## due3may12

oh my god i am in bits reading that! especially when you whispered in his ear! your so so strong! and i think your making me believe in prayer even though tragedy has hit us both(feels like your prayer kept him alive for as long as he was and let you meet him, cud just be me thinking it though)
i am so desperately sorry for your loss! were here if you need us! 
all my love 
Karen
xxxxx


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## dancareoi

Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort. 
I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
I saw these words the other day:-

If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
xxxx


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## OliveBay

I'm so sorry for your loss, you've been through such an awful time. I hope one day you will be able to look back with fondness and a smile on those precious moments you had with your little boy, even though right now that probably feels impossible. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to recover and grieve. Take care and be gentle on yourself, and we're all here whenever you need support :hugs:


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## vermeil

:hugs::hugs::hugs:so very sorry... you are a very strong lady


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## FngrsCrossed

kiki04 said:


> FngrsCrossed said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> kiki04 said:
> 
> 
> Oh hun what a tragic story :cry: I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon :cry: I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though :hugs: :hugs:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you so much :hugs:, I am glad he was in my arms also. A lot of mothers don't get that advantage, but I did.:cry: The LPN was so wonderful, she told me she had lost a set of twins, and she didn't get to hold them while they were still living. So it meant a lot to her to make sure I did. I can never repay her for that. I wish he was here, but I can do nothing more than go on and keep him in my thoughts. He was scheduled to arrive 2/29/12 via C-section, MY LEAP YEAR BABY!! :baby: But I thank you also for reading and responding. My story is extremely long I know, but it is worth it in the end. :kiss:Click to expand...
> 
> Oh bless her :cloud9: Sounds like a wonderful nurse you had :hugs: I never got the chance to hold my daughter at all. She passed away before she was born and I had the d&c because my body wouldnt go into labour. It was just hanging onto my dead child like she was still here with us. :cry:Click to expand...


She was a wonderful nurse...I know that must have been so hard, both parts. The passing and then not going into labor. I look at this way, your body must have just loved being pregnant, and was in love with your little girl. Are you and your DH/OH going to try again?


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## FngrsCrossed

Jewels84 said:


> I am so sorry you've had to go through this! But the words you said to your LO brought tears to my eyes. Like you said, be thankful that you had those precious moments. I gave birth to my little boy at 20 weeks in November. He was not born alive, and at the time we chose not to see or hold him. I will forever regret that decision that I didn't tell my baby boy goodbye, or that I loved him. I know that he's in heaven now, and he knows mommy loves him, but my heart hurts that I just left him. :sadangel:
> 
> But we are all strong and will get through our losses together. My DH doesn't like to talk about it...ever. So it's nice to have a community like this where we can all support each other.
> 
> I know all of our little angel babies are playing together in heaven, right now! :hugs:


:hugs: Oh gosh, I wish I could ask you not to feel so bad about it; but "self" is the worst critic and the heart has a way of beating us up at times. Everyone handles grief differently. You did what you thought was best for you and Dh at that time. It's hard to say if you would have been able to handle seeing your LO like that at that time. None of us go into this thinking that we are going to go through something like we all did. We expect to be just like every other mom that goes to the hospital pregnant. We expect to go home with a heatly, and ALIVE child. 

I feel like and injured dog or something, trying to lick my wounds in the corner. I was first embarrassed about my loss. I think mainly because we as moms make ourselves feel so guilty for not having a full term child. Just simply because babies are suppose to be full term.

I know your little angel is looking down on you, and I'm sure that your little boy isn't upset or hurt about it. Just think one day you will be holding him, healthy and happy. :cloud9:


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## FngrsCrossed

Bride2b said:


> FngrsCrossed said:
> 
> 
> Could they tell eve you what happened, and why your water broke so early? Are you TTC again or are you waiting a while?
> 
> They found no cause for my loss. They dont know why my waters broke, I had no infections, or disorders, my cervix was long....so its just unknown. I've found this hard to deal with as things dont happen for no reason, something must have happened for my waters to break.
> 
> I questioned myself too, like you did with dancing. I do 2 exercise classes & my consultant said exercise is ok as long as its not lifting heavy weights or hundreds of squats. One of the classes I do is lifting weight (not really heavy-but enough for some resistance to make the muscles work) and it does involve squats. The last 2 weeks before my loss the instructor was a midwife & she was very good at telling me what I can and cant do - so I am sure she wouldnt have let me do anything that would put me at risk. But I do question it, and have decided to not do the same classes once I fall preggers again (just as a precaution) and will chose something low impact.
> 
> As for TTC again, I hope to next month - well thats the plan. I am due to OV anytime now (based on my cycles before my pregnancy), thats if my body is doing the same as it was before. I am finding it quite hard not to just say blow it & try this month. I need to decide as need to start BD! My reason to wait is that I am getting married in 6 months & have brought my dress - its cost a small fortune so cant not wear it & I chose it when I was preggers & feel like my son helped me choose it as I found it 2 days after I found out I was expecting - I had searched for months for the perfect dress. I want to wear that dress for him really. I know that might sound silly! It is one size bigger than I am (as I should have a 3 month old when I get married, so wasnt sure how much weight I'd gain) so there is scope to be preggers as the dress is going to be too big now anyway.
> 
> Are you tracking your OV? You should join us on the other 'Life after loss' thread - there are a few of us there either waiting to try, just starting to try and some who have been blessed with their BFP. Its a great place for support, many you have already met on your thread. But its great to vent your frustration & have others around you who are trying to resist poas every 5 mins xxxxClick to expand...



There seems to be no reason for most womens preterm labor. :nope: Just another unexplained mishap. I wish there was an answer...I mean really, knowing what happened and why has become important to me so that I avoid doing whatever it was again. Seriously, how do you avoid everything? If there is no explanation then "everything" is a possible hazard. :wacko:

I agree that your MW wouldn't let you do anything that would jepordize your pregnancy. I mean it's not like you were lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Seriously, look at all of the other things we lift throughout the day. We barely even notice how much bending and lifting we do. Especially if you have other children, work, or have chores to do in the house. When I was PG, it seemed like I was dropping things all day and having to squat down to pick them up. Pure madness I tell you!! I am so glad that you can relate about the physical activity aspect. I was giving myself a few mental gut punches thinking, maybe I jarred my baby around in there, and that's the reason! I probably could go on for days guessing and speculating what I did and why it all went the way it did. But I am not, I don't think either of us should do that. :nope: But it's so hard to take it like it's being left...in.the.air...:growlmad:

Yea, Dh and I have been attempting to try again. :shrug: He is now working nights and sleeping all day so it has gotten difficult to BD. I feel so bad at the though of waking him up for sex. :haha: I used to work 12 hour shifts and at night. It bites to be woken up just when you are getting so good in to sleep. And even worse if it's for sex that lasts forever...:blush::haha:

I didn't do much tracking on my OV...I used my calendar on FF. It still is using my using OV date. CD12 So I just went with that and we are going to see how it pans out. I looked for that thread, if you could sent me a link or something that would be awesome. Once you lose a child you kinda' fit somewhere in between. So it's would be nice to chat it up with ladies who actually can relate. [email protected] every 5 minutes. Oh, how I miss that!!! lol I haven't POAS since December when I was trying to make sure HCG was gone! Now I am excited, I wanna' POAS!!!:happydance:


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## FngrsCrossed

due3may12 said:


> oh my god i am in bits reading that! especially when you whispered in his ear! your so so strong! and i think your making me believe in prayer even though tragedy has hit us both(feels like your prayer kept him alive for as long as he was and let you meet him, cud just be me thinking it though)
> i am so desperately sorry for your loss! were here if you need us!
> all my love
> Karen
> xxxxx



Thank you so much Karen, :flower: I am just so glad DH and I got the chance to have him as long as we did. Something is better than nothing...I do believe prayer is what kept him alive as long as he was. I must say I honestly believed that he was going to be leaving within a few months. Early on the 14th while Dh was at work I was praying and I asked God to please let me handle everything concerning this baby, with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child. I think this loss hs built character for both DH and I. I have learned even more humility, compassion, and strength. 

At some point after my baby's funeral I told DH, I wish I could fall out on the floor kicking and screaming like a 2 year old on the candy aisle; but I can't. I don't get it, but I am not allowed to be a brat. My baby was born alive. He could hear my voice and he would kick in the incubator. Some parents didn't get to witness that. My baby sucked on the tube in his mouth; I saw his little gums and tongue. A lot of parents didn't get that either. I also witnessed his last breath..and it was an honor. :cry:

Karen, thanks so much for reading and responding. I decided to tell it as part of my healing. Thank all of you so much for your encouragement and support. It has been a breath of fresh air. And much needed. :hugs::flower:


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## FngrsCrossed

dancareoi said:


> Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
> I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
> This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
> I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
> We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
> My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
> I saw these words the other day:-
> 
> If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
> xxxx



:hugs::hugs::hugs: I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. :cry: You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol

I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. :hugs: I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...:hugs:


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## Bride2b

FngrsCrossed said:


> There seems to be no reason for most womens preterm labor. :nope: Just another unexplained mishap. I wish there was an answer...I mean really, knowing what happened and why has become important to me so that I avoid doing whatever it was again. Seriously, how do you avoid everything? If there is no explanation then "everything" is a possible hazard. :wacko:
> 
> 
> I didn't do much tracking on my OV...I used my calendar on FF. It still is using my using OV date. CD12 So I just went with that and we are going to see how it pans out. I looked for that thread, if you could sent me a link or something that would be awesome. Once you lose a child you kinda' fit somewhere in between. So it's would be nice to chat it up with ladies who actually can relate. [email protected] every 5 minutes. Oh, how I miss that!!! lol I haven't POAS since December when I was trying to make sure HCG was gone! Now I am excited, I wanna' POAS!!!:happydance:

It keeps going around in my head about what I should & should avoid next time - it drives you crazy as you just want to know what is was that made it happen!

The life after loss thread is in this 'Second Trimester Losses' section

https://www.babyandbump.com/second-trimester-losses/455615-life-after-loss-support-group-all-welcome-285.html

Theres loads going on there...its great to chat & is mostly chatter about rainbows & trying again xx


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## jennijunni

I am so, so sorry for the loss of you sweet Masyn. How tragic. I am glad that you were able to hold him in your arms, and be with him when he left this earth. I am just so sad for you. It is so awful to be part of this "club" but the woman here are wonderful, kind and amazing and will uplift you, and help you carry your burden. Lots and lots of hugs.


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so so sorry for your loss of your sweet wee boy, your story has me in floods, it's so tragic. What a wee trooper though to stay with you long enough to really marvel at him and to get to say a proper goodbye. I'm so glad that nurse was sent to help you and to let you have your last moments together, your words to him were beautiful. 

I also lost twins, my waters broke early and I delivered them 6 days later at 20wks. I believe my second twin, Hayden was born alive but they didn't make it known to me and I didn't know so I never said anything to him, I just wailed in his ear, the poor wee man. My DH only told me later he thought he could see his little heart still beating and I saw him twitch and relax but the doctor said there may be some "residual movement". I now am pretty sure that was his dying moment, I so regret not letting him go in peace and traquility. I now also know that if born alive they have a different legal standing here after 20wks and would have affected the hospital's neonatal death stats, which is why I think they weren't too forthcoming.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to let you know how precious it is that you got to hold your son in peace and say goodbye to him, but you know that already. It makes me so sad to welcome another lady here, I also wish there was some kind of magic way to erase all of our pain and undo our losses. I hate it that any of us are here but I do believe also that we are sent to each other to help each other, so I hope we can help you. Coming to this forum has helped me understand my feelings a lot better and there has been much practical help too. I feel I have made some very good friends here - these ladies know more about the inner workings of my mind than anyone else I would say! I wish you much love and gentle days. Floaty kisses to sweet Massyn. xxx


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## dancareoi

FngrsCrossed said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
> I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
> This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
> I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
> We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
> My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
> I saw these words the other day:-
> 
> If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
> xxxx
> 
> 
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs: I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. :cry: You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol
> 
> I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. :hugs: I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...:hugs:Click to expand...

thanks for your lovely words.
We have now had our service, which was the worst thing I have ever had to do, but we said good bye to our LO. Yesterday we laid the ashes to rest.
the hospitla chaplain did both services for us, his words at the service on monday were lovely. He mentioned our other LO who we lost in July 2009 and said the siblings would now be reuinted. It gives me comfort to think they are together and looking after each other.
My OH and I are closer now this has happened and I hope we can try again some time.
Best wishes and good luck to you too and I hope things will get easier for you too. I suppose there will always be some days that are better than others.
Thinking of you:hugs:


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## OliveBay

Having a funeral for a child is one of the saddest things on earath and something no parent should ever had to do, but it is such a vital part of the grieving process and should really help you to move onto the next stage. I'm glad you and your OH are supporting and comforting each other at this difficult time :hugs:


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## dancareoi

Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dancareoi

kiki04 said:


> Oh hun what a tragic story :cry: I am so so so sorry your little man slipped away so soon :cry: I am glad he was able to take his last breath cradled in his mamas arms though :hugs: :hugs:

Hi, I have been sharing my loss with people on this forum and have been speaking in particular to a lovely lady whose story is very similar to mine.

We have sent a couple of private messages but wanted to link or become buddies.

I notice you have buddies and wandered of you could tell us how to do it and what it means once you have.

Thank you


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## FngrsCrossed

Bride2b said:


> FngrsCrossed said:
> 
> 
> There seems to be no reason for most womens preterm labor. :nope: Just another unexplained mishap. I wish there was an answer...I mean really, knowing what happened and why has become important to me so that I avoid doing whatever it was again. Seriously, how do you avoid everything? If there is no explanation then "everything" is a possible hazard. :wacko:
> 
> 
> I didn't do much tracking on my OV...I used my calendar on FF. It still is using my using OV date. CD12 So I just went with that and we are going to see how it pans out. I looked for that thread, if you could sent me a link or something that would be awesome. Once you lose a child you kinda' fit somewhere in between. So it's would be nice to chat it up with ladies who actually can relate. [email protected] every 5 minutes. Oh, how I miss that!!! lol I haven't POAS since December when I was trying to make sure HCG was gone! Now I am excited, I wanna' POAS!!!:happydance:
> 
> It keeps going around in my head about what I should & should avoid next time - it drives you crazy as you just want to know what is was that made it happen!
> 
> The life after loss thread is in this 'Second Trimester Losses' section
> 
> https://www.babyandbump.com/second-trimester-losses/455615-life-after-loss-support-group-all-welcome-285.html
> 
> Theres loads going on there...its great to chat & is mostly chatter about rainbows & trying again xxClick to expand...


Thanks for the link, I will be popping my head it momentarily!!

Yea, it's just the matter of pin pointing what the "shouldn't do" is...No way to know until someone explain exactly what happened. Oh the stress of it all...:dohh:


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## FngrsCrossed

Nikki_d72 said:


> I'm so so sorry for your loss of your sweet wee boy, your story has me in floods, it's so tragic. What a wee trooper though to stay with you long enough to really marvel at him and to get to say a proper goodbye. I'm so glad that nurse was sent to help you and to let you have your last moments together, your words to him were beautiful.
> 
> I also lost twins, my waters broke early and I delivered them 6 days later at 20wks. I believe my second twin, Hayden was born alive but they didn't make it known to me and I didn't know so I never said anything to him, I just wailed in his ear, the poor wee man. My DH only told me later he thought he could see his little heart still beating and I saw him twitch and relax but the doctor said there may be some "residual movement". I now am pretty sure that was his dying moment, I so regret not letting him go in peace and traquility. I now also know that if born alive they have a different legal standing here after 20wks and would have affected the hospital's neonatal death stats, which is why I think they weren't too forthcoming.
> 
> Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to let you know how precious it is that you got to hold your son in peace and say goodbye to him, but you know that already. It makes me so sad to welcome another lady here, I also wish there was some kind of magic way to erase all of our pain and undo our losses. I hate it that any of us are here but I do believe also that we are sent to each other to help each other, so I hope we can help you. Coming to this forum has helped me understand my feelings a lot better and there has been much practical help too. I feel I have made some very good friends here - these ladies know more about the inner workings of my mind than anyone else I would say! I wish you much love and gentle days. Floaty kisses to sweet Massyn. xxx

Thank you so much for reading and responding...Yes he was a little trooper, he fought so hard and I was so proud of him for staying as long as he did. :smug: Dr.'s were shocked that he made them out of a lie also. 

I am so sorry you lost your little Angels. :cry: Loss is so hard, and there is no right or wrong way of handling it. So don't feel bad about the way you handled it; I can understand, your babies are a piece of your soul outside of your body, why would you let a piece of your soul go so easily without objection or feeling apprehension about it? I let go because I knew there was nothing else that I could do. I had to yield and speak to him before the last time he would hear my voice was gone. Deep down in the darkest crevice I wanted to go into a fit of rage, and wale. But like I said in another post, that isn't handling the situation with the grace of an adult and allowing God himself to crown my Masyn an official angel. 

He went through a lot here. He grew a fungus on his body becasue of the humidity in the incubator and the billi-light making heat. My poor child. They started putting a salve on him to get rid of it and did a biopsy on it to find what antibiotics would end up working to heal it.

I also believe that we are all here for a reason, the best friendships come from such bonds. There is a gentle understand between everyone that goes through this situation, and the kindest prayers for each others well being. Because of our losses it think it will end up making us better people towards each other and keep our view of human life being fragile at bay.

Thank you so much for your words, I am sending him floaty kisses all the time. Same to you dear...:hugs: and lots of hugs, an abundance of love, and "mini-mini" many kisses to your crowned angels.

BTW...it's not a problem for you to post about your loss, I love to read and respond. It's healing to the soul and doesn't matter if I started this thread or not. So post if you need to...:hugs:

Ricka


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## FngrsCrossed

dancareoi said:


> FngrsCrossed said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Hi, your story had me in tears. At least you were able to hold your little one at the end,that must be such a comfort.
> I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation in 2009 and last week had to`give birth` to my little angel who died at 14 weeks gestation (i thought i was 17 weeks)
> This is bad enough but i can`t bear to imagine the pain of losing a baby who was born alive.
> I was able to hold my baby, although only 14 weeks, was perfectly formed.The nurses brought my little one in a tiny little moses basket, baby was too small for the clothes they had, so were laid on top. I got to tell my little one how much they were loved, held its tiny hand and kissed it goodbye. I am glad i was able to do this.
> We are having a service on monday and burying the ashes on tuesday.
> My heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out for you. They say everything happens for a reason and time is a great healer. I am having trouble believing these words at the moment,but hope and pray they are true.
> I saw these words the other day:-
> 
> If teardrops were a staircase and memories were a lane, we`d walk right up to heaven and bring you back again.
> xxxx
> 
> 
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs: I am sooooo very sorry, just reading that makes me cry. I feel so bad when someone loses their sweet little baby. My heart bleeds for you. For the life of me I wish things like this didn't happen. MMC, Mc, stillbirth, infant loss; all of it hurts equally as bad. :cry: You know, I am glad he was born alive, so DH, the kids, and I could marvel at him. Dh and I nick named him "the corn niblet" because he was so small. Dh would call the NICU and tell the nurse he was the "corn niblets" dad and wanted to know if he could go in to see him. lol
> 
> I will pray for your strength as well as for your DH. The service is the hardest part of it all. Please be encouraged and don't forget to take refuge in each other, it makes the days a little easier. :hugs: I have heard that saying too, I don't know if it gets completely better and if the wounds just go away, but it doesn't hurt to know that weeping may endure through the night but joy cometh in the morning. Just hold on til' daylight...:hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> thanks for your lovely words.
> We have now had our service, which was the worst thing I have ever had to do, but we said good bye to our LO. Yesterday we laid the ashes to rest.
> the hospitla chaplain did both services for us, his words at the service on monday were lovely. He mentioned our other LO who we lost in July 2009 and said the siblings would now be reuinted. It gives me comfort to think they are together and looking after each other.
> My OH and I are closer now this has happened and I hope we can try again some time.
> Best wishes and good luck to you too and I hope things will get easier for you too. I suppose there will always be some days that are better than others.
> Thinking of you:hugs:Click to expand...


Ohhh, :cry: It is the hardest thing that you will ever have to do. Nothing is worse. I agree that your LO's are both together, imagine the fun they are having! No pain, no sorrow, free to just be and not shed a tear.

Cling to each other like you have never clung before...That's the thing that brings the most comfort right now. Enjoying each others company with no guests. Renting movies and flopping about on the couch under a blanket. DH and I did that, and it was quite soothing to just be with him and do nothing but be a couch potato. My mom took our other children and kept them for days so we could have no worries.

I am keeping you in my prayers along with DH..:hugs: I pray for peace over the both of you and joy for the future.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## FngrsCrossed

OliveBay said:


> Having a funeral for a child is one of the saddest things on earath and something no parent should ever had to do, but it is such a vital part of the grieving process and should really help you to move onto the next stage. I'm glad you and your OH are supporting and comforting each other at this difficult time :hugs:

I couldn't agree more OliveBay!! It's hard but it's also therapeutic and a really big step towards the healing process. Not to mention it's their right to be honored, every baby is a human being. Who doesn't honor a human life and celebrate it? No matter how long or short it was. Imagine losing a parent and just letting the city bury them anywhere!! No one does that!! And it's natural feel more love for your children than your parent, so if you love you child more than your mom and wouldn't let the city bury her then why do that to a baby? I love that you mentioned that, because it's so true...even the supporting each other, it's his loss too.

My DH held the casket and almost fainted!!! I had to grab him and hold him up. I have never seen his face that way before, that look broke me up even more. He is usually so quiet and so strong in everything. He is more humble than I am. That was my first glimpse in 16 years of being together that I have seen him in that light. I wanted to cradle him in my arms like a baby...even though I wanted to be cradled that way.


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## FngrsCrossed

dancareoi said:


> Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
> I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


You are going to have those days, sweet pea. I heard it gets hard when the EDD arrives. Thats my upcoming milestone. Allow yourself to feel how you want to and don't feel like you shouldn't. I hate the term "be strong", you don't have to be. People say that all the time to the grieving family. Heck if you want to have a falling out episode then do so. Cry alone if you have to, or cry with someone else. And when you are ready to resume then you can. Their is no wrong way to grieve. I have my moments in here when my other children express their grief or mention when they would be doing with him if he were "here now". If you need to scream into a pillow or rip up a phone book, that can help too.

i have even thought about taking some boxing classes or Yoga, to channel my confused "energy" somewhere.


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## sunkiss

your story touched my heart so much, still :cry:, i am so sorry u had to go through this, u speak with such eloquence and spiritual belief, the words u shared with ur precious baby were so beautiful, u have such strentgh to say that with what u were going through at the time, ur story will help so many others, takes a special kinda woman to give God an angel, may God continue to bless and strengthen u and ur family :hugs:


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## dancareoi

FngrsCrossed said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Thank you, you are right, although it was the hardest thing we have ever done, I feel we have been able to say goodbye and can try and start to look forward.
> I would have been 20 weeks, half way, today, so am feeling a little down again today.
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> 
> 
> You are going to have those days, sweet pea. I heard it gets hard when the EDD arrives. Thats my upcoming milestone. Allow yourself to feel how you want to and don't feel like you shouldn't. I hate the term "be strong", you don't have to be. People say that all the time to the grieving family. Heck if you want to have a falling out episode then do so. Cry alone if you have to, or cry with someone else. And when you are ready to resume then you can. Their is no wrong way to grieve. I have my moments in here when my other children express their grief or mention when they would be doing with him if he were "here now". If you need to scream into a pillow or rip up a phone book, that can help too.
> 
> i have even thought about taking some boxing classes or Yoga, to channel my confused "energy" somewhere.Click to expand...

Thank you so much for kind words. I know what you mean about expressing your grief i have felt like punching something to make myself feel better.
I read again a previous reply you made to one of my posts and it has brought tears to my eyes, about my two LO`s being together, it brings me comfort.
I hope you and your family get through this terrible time together and come out the other side.
Thank you and best wishes.:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## WantingABubba

My eyes filled with tears reading your story, especially when you whispered in his ear.

I am so very sorry for your loss :cry:


----------

