# trying or success stories after stillbirth



## Myangelavery

Hi ...i am new here. I need some hope after 2 miscarraiges ten yrs ago and a beautiful stillborn daughter ar 34 weeks in sept 2010. We are trying to conceive after use of provera for 3 months to regulate periods( a month after avery was born i bled for 3 weeks after my lochia bleed for 2 weeks!) Feel like its never gonna happen:cry:


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## lauraemily17

I am so sorry for your loss, it must have been so hard :hugs: 

I haven't been in your situation but didn't want to read and run. 

I really hope you get your rainbow baby, sending lots of :dust:


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## nunu123

hey myangelavery, sorry for your loss, i was in the exact same situation, i gave birth via c-section to my still born daughter in october 10 2010 at 38 weeks. yes 38 a week before she was born exactly. was extremely devastating. selected not to see my baby, i wanted to keep a beautiful pic of her in my mind as i imagined her before birth. if i had seen her i would have never forgotten her i think. so i think it was a wise choice. trying now its been four cycles of trying. but nothing so far. just had af on the 5th. it was early and heavy contrary to previous cycle which was only only brown discharge. so seeing a doc on the 16th for follicle check and hoping and praying for a healthy and happy pregnancy. baby dust to all.


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## Myangelavery

hey nunu....so sorry! I was due October 10, 2010....we were hoping for that date.! We have officially been trying fot 2 months bc i was on provera to stop 3 weeks of non stop bleeding in november ...then took it for 3 more cycles to try to regulate so couldnt really try for a while but never tried to prevent. We dont know why avery died....we asked for an autopsy which was supposed to be done but wasnt. I was 34 weeks while she only measured at 28. We suspected preeclampsia bc high bp and extreme swelling....not returning to those drs! ever!!! I had reported less fetal activity and he shrugged it off! Praying for u and ur bfp!! Hoping sometime in the near future stillborn rates will decline...the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. Hugs and baby dust to u<3 I am here if u need a friend!


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## Mrs.JI

So sorry for your loss hunx Can't imagine what you are going through. I do wish you all the best


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## jamhs

I'm so sorry for your loss! Just to let you know you can go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies after having a stillborn baby, my grandma had 6 babies after losing her daughter. Good luck and all the best for your future family!


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## tu123

I am sooo sorry you went through this. It must have been heartbreaking:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

I am afraid i have no success stories execpt that i had 5 MCs but then produced a healthy daughter.

Praying that you get a healthy BFP soon and that you get better care next time.


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## ann89

Hi I belive I've spoken to you before.

I didn't have a stillborn but my daughter was born at 40 weeks and lived 48 mins. after birth. Right now I'm having hormone problems I'm pretty sure. Since I havn't had a pp period yet.

I'm so sorry for you loss and you can always message me if you need to talk :hugs:


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## dani86

Myangelavery said:


> Hi ...i am new here. I need some hope after 2 miscarraiges ten yrs ago and a beautiful stillborn daughter ar 34 weeks in sept 2010. We are trying to conceive after use of provera for 3 months to regulate periods( a month after avery was born i bled for 3 weeks after my lochia bleed for 2 weeks!) Feel like its never gonna happen:cry:

Hi I'm also ttc after a stillbirth and haven't got a clue where I am in my cycle yet, I hope to get preg soon coz that's all I want in life to have a baby, good luck to you too x x


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## Delish

Good luck to everyone trying. I'm here too, right after a stillbirth, TTC is one thing I can throw myself into to keep me moving forward.
I'm still spotting a teeny tiny bit after PP bleeding so no clue when to 'start', hopefully soon, though I know I probably can't properly try until first proper period.


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## dani86

Delish said:


> Good luck to everyone trying. I'm here too, right after a stillbirth, TTC is one thing I can throw myself into to keep me moving forward.
> I'm still spotting a teeny tiny bit after PP bleeding so no clue when to 'start', hopefully soon, though I know I probably can't properly try until first proper period.

im in the exact same position as you. still bleeding after stillbirth and need my period to hurry up. when did you have your baby?? it is the only thing that keeps me going thinking of getting pregnant. good luck sweetie x x


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## Delish

July 1st, so still very recently. Do you have much bleeding still? I keep thinking I'm done then a little more spotting again, very frustrating. But it feels like it must be about to totally stop soon. I hope?! xx


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## dani86

Delish said:


> July 1st, so still very recently. Do you have much bleeding still? I keep thinking I'm done then a little more spotting again, very frustrating. But it feels like it must be about to totally stop soon. I hope?! xx

u r in same situation to me! i had my baby 27th June 2011 at 36weeks think it was coz of pre-eclampsia as my blood pressure was 170/110 went to hospital on the wed they told me to come back the friday but was too late by then :-( im also done but spotting i keep thinking it has gone and then i wipe and its there again, not enough to even fill a panty liner barely any on tissue as well so fingers crossed my body gets back to normal soon!! x


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## Delish

dani you must be my BnB twin :hugs: my boy was 36 weeks too.
I really hope we can have matching BFPs asap as well. I'm always here if you want to chat or buddy up as we go through this, I'm bracing myself already as I know every step of the way is going to be so hard.
(Myangelavery, nunu123 & ann89 the same goes for you ladies as well of course. And anyone else :hugs: :hugs:) xxx


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## ann89

When I had my daughter at 40 weeks I bled for four weeks after.. :/


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## dani86

Delish said:


> dani you must be my BnB twin :hugs: my boy was 36 weeks too.
> I really hope we can have matching BFPs asap as well. I'm always here if you want to chat or buddy up as we go through this, I'm bracing myself already as I know every step of the way is going to be so hard.
> (Myangelavery, nunu123 & ann89 the same goes for you ladies as well of course. And anyone else :hugs: :hugs:) xxx

i hope we get our BFP together too and it will b extra hard for us i jst know it!!id love to buddy up and chat it kinda makes me feel betta talking to someone who knows and feels exactly what im going through. u from uk? x x


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## Delish

Yeah I'm in Norfolk, you?

Getting bloody frustrated today, I thought the spotting was done and it was just discharge (sorry TMI) but I still noticed a tiny bit was tinged red, everytime I think it's done it's not! I know I'm gonna need patience a lot but I'm not a patient person and I hate this waiting to start thing.

Anyone using OPKs or anything?


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## dani86

I'm in newcastle upon Tyne! I'm using opk but no smiley yet! I'm so down today as was my due date! I'm waking up peeing on opk sticks still bleeding feeling down and thinking why me I shudnt have to b doing this I should have my baby now!! My bleeding has gone from nothing and then this morning I have a few tiny clots I'm like what the hells going on!! X


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## Delish

Oh dani mega, mega hugs, I know how hard today must be for you. I haven't had to face mine yet, few more days to go. I hope you've been able to take it easy and be good to yourself as much as possible. I know what you mean, its surreal isn't it, we should be thinking labour & baby not starting from scratch. But at least TTC is something to focus on.

I dunno whether or not to say my bleeding's done now, I kind of think it is but there is so much discharge, or actually that's maybe not what it is, it's more like CM??? I never heard of this before and didn't haveit last time, might go Google it now actually. 
OPKs negative so far. Have treated myself to a CBFM for when my period starts again, can't be bothered to temp this time.


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## dani86

Your like me I google everything!!! Yesterday was hard but went out for meal with oh!! My bleeding hasn't appeared today but I'm sure it will b back I hope not tho!! How much was your cbfm?? Do u think they r any good? U ever used one before?? Hope ur feeling ok today and ur right ttc is something to focus on for us jst hope we get our bfp very soon x x


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## Delish

Hmm well I Googled it and it seems to be normal after all but couldn't find out whether or not I can start trying while it's happening. I did just use an OPK though and for the first time I *think* I see a line. It's really really faint so maybe I'm imagining it but I haven't seen any imaginary ones before!
I paid £50 on ebay for my CBFM & it came with I think 1 box of sticks. I saw someone selling one on here for £40 the other day, are you thinking of getting one?
I haven't used one before but used the cheaper version 'Persona' last time and I did get pregnant in the first month using it BUT the whole month it never once told me I was fertile! So that was a bit weird but I'm hoping the CBFM is a bit more sensitive. xx


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## dani86

I got preg the first time I used an opk last time so was worth the money then, I jst hope it's that easy this time! I tested again this morning and again no smiley for me I think my bleeding has stopped now tho which is good!! I think I may buy myself a cbfm and see if it works I'd pay anything to get preg quick!!! How u feeling bout facing people is it bothering you??? I won't go anywhere unless I know I wnt see someone I know I can only speak to my close friends and family at the min and also haven't turned on my mobile since this has all happened as I know I'm Gunna have so many texts, however I enjoy talking to my bnb girls x x


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## Delish

My opks don't give me smiley faces just lines, yours sound much more fun! I just hope the faint line was a surge coming & not leaving (didn't test yesterday, well I did but the test messed up). I'm really shocked if I'm ovulating already as there's still a bit of that weird mucus stuff, I thought it all would have to clear first, but not going to ignore it just in case.
Def get a cbfm if you think it might help, can't use them til the 1st day of your next cycle though so it's opks until then.
I'm exactly the same as you, I'm glad it's not just me - when I go into town I won't go near the side where my office is in case I see people I work with. I also hate going down my road or to the shop as I know people will wonder where the baby is. :( Feel almost like panic attacks sometimes when I think of facing my office. xx


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## dani86

Mine are the clear blue digital ones!! Got a dreaded text from my old boss this morning somehow she has got my oh phone num and has asked if I've had my baby yet and had to tell her :-( I'm exactly the same with facing people I can't do it, I feel like I can't see people till I'm pushing a baby around! One thing is my consultant did say my nxt pregnancy they will try n start me off at 36weeks so at least it's a month shorter!!! 
I will get a cbfm after I have a proper period, think my pp bleed has stopped now so hopefully that means my body will hurry up and go back to normal x x


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## andie526

hey hun sometimes i go over to third trimester and ask these kinds of questions.... its always nice to get some encouragement from ladies whove been there and are now just on the brink of having a healthy baby.


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## Delish

Thanks andie526 - I might try that at some point, right now I don't like looking 3rd tri though, reminds me I should still be in there :(

Oh dani what did you say, did you tell her? I feel exactly the same - don't want to go back to work until I'm pregnant again so I don't have to be just 'the one who lost her baby'. Had to take my toddler to the docs today and had total panic attack about going in, hate any medical place right now and last time I was in there I was happily pregnant.

Anyway, my OPKs are negative now, only ever got a faint line not a strong one, not sure if I ovulated or not?? We only DTD once anyway and I still get the odd bit of PP something... hmm... oh well, I tried, but I knew I probably couldn't try properly until my first cycle. Just impatient.


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## dani86

i know what you mean i had to go to docs for my blood pressure bout a week ago and i thought the last time i was sitting here was my 36week appointment to see midwife :-( i did tell her and she was like im so sorry nobody told me u must b in pieces!! 
My opks are all still negative i def havent ovulated yet so havent had sex in a while im trying to save it for when i get that smiley face!! 
Anyways ive put myself on a diet to see if that helps coz ive put so much weight on off last pregnancy and im supposed to be getting married next june but i cant even think of weddings at the moment coz i want a baby so much more!!!
I wish we would both hurry up and ovulate x


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## dani86

delish i went out to boots tonight and purchased my clearblue fertility monitor it cost me £122 so better be worth it lol!!!! i want to start testing now tho but it wnt let me:-( x x


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## Delish

I'm on a diet too, I'm low-carbing - I read a thread on here the other week about low-carbing for fertility and I remembered I was low-carbing both times I got my BFPs before! And well, I need to lose about 40lbs :blush:
I really hope you get your BFP in good time before your wedding! I'm sure you will, did it take you long last time?
It's not the same at all, but I had booked a holiday to Florida for next October and now I dunno what to do - I can't go pregnant, wouldn't take a very young baby & no way will I put off TTC for it. I can move it to later if I need to but until I get a BFP no idea when that would be. I couldn't face going just us 3, not to take away from my little girl but I had such a lovely picture in my head of 4 of us going and I can't do it with just 3 now :cry:

Do you have pregnant friends? One of my closest friends is pregnant and I saw her today, it's so hard. If I'm not pregnant before she's due I'll go insane. I know I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself, prob doesn't help.


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## dani86

i need to lose a lot of weight too so im on a low carb diet too so hope that helps with my bfp!!! None of my close friends are pregnant but ive deleted my facebook account as cant bare to see all the pregnancy updates of people and new arrival pics...one of my close friends is trying to get preg tho so i hope i get my bfp first not to be evil or anything i jst cudnt bare it if she does first!!! what u gunna do bout florida then?? i suppose u cud postpone it until beginning of 2013 and upgrade a bit so there is a pro of waiting and hopefully you will have new baby by then!! i think i will b preg when i get married next june and ive never wanted to b a fat bride :-( but im getting over it as i want a baby more now so id rather b fat with a baby on the way than babyless!!! x x


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## dani86

ahh and it didnt take me long last time the first time i used a ovulation prediction kit i got my bfp dnt think i will b that lucky this time round tho!!! x x


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## dani86

Delish got my 1st smiley this morning so looks like Im about to ovulate for this 1st time since giving birth!! So made sure me and oh had sex and will do for next 4 or 5 days I dnt think I'll fall preg this month but is good to know that my eggs are still working lol, any luck with your opks yet?? X


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## Delish

Hooray for a smiley! That gives me hope too then, obviously you can ovulate before getting your first AF (I wasn't sure!). Everything crossed for you, get bonking ;)
I'll try an OPK later but I think if I had a surge it's been and gone, I never got more than a faint line and I don't even get that anymore... We did do the rudies once on one of the days I had a faint line so I guess there's a chance but I'm definitely not optimistic.

No idea about Florida, guess I'm hoping I get pregnant in time that I can make a decision on when to move it. Unless I get pregnant in the next 2 months I think it's definite I have to reschedule just dunno when.

You won't be a fat bride if you're pregnant, you'll be a lovely glowing bride and it will make it extra, extra special!


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## dani86

i could never read any other opk apart from clearblue digital ones they r so much easier to use and read but are quite expensive at around £20 for 7 sticks but hey if they work i dnt care lol im gunna b bonking all bloody week now twice a day :sex: i also jst used my cbfm i put it on day 5 yest so i could start using it today and i got 2 bars on that which means high fertility so something is defo going on in there!!! 
Iv jst got in from the cemetry been to visit my lil princess x x


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## Delish

The cheapie OPKs used to be fine for me but I have to say they never came up positive for me last time either, it's a miracle I managed to conceive at all actually considering we DTD once that month at a randomly early time!
Good news is I'm 99.99999% sure my bleeding is done for good this time, but I seem to have loads of CM which I think is the good kind... I don't know whether to resume rudies or not just in case?? I should have just done what you did with the CBFM. I reckon it's too late now...

I haven't been to the cemetary since the funeral yet, people keep offering to take me but I don't really want them hovering (I don't drive).
Got very upset when DH put an old scan pic up on display without thinking. :(


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## dani86

u should jst try the cbfm from tomorrow to see what it says!! i used to hate going to cemetry at first and cry every time but i find peace from it now and enjoy decorating her lil grave cant believe how much a gravestone is gunna b tho!! i cant bare to look at scan pics coz i think it reminds me of when my baby was alive!! i think u should defo start bonking :sex: jst incase. imagine getting a bfp in 2 weeks times wud b amazing but i doubt it will happen but u never know x x


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## dani86

U should join the rainbow makers thread it's good fun lots of ladies on who also have angel babies and are ttc again x x


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## Delish

I keep meaning to post on it, but big established threads scare me, I think I'll be ignored...
Been a weird day.


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## dani86

How's it been weird?? U wnt b ignored I jst joined yest or day before and there is a girl from Norfolk on there too x x


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## Delish

Sorry, was in a miserable mood when replying earlier.
Weird, well had odd really dark spotting which isn't PP bleeding, isn't AF, don't understand it and now it's gone and I'm thinking did I imagine it.
My toddler pointed at my belly and said 'baby' and I burst into tears. And my low-carbing doesn't seem to be going right and it's just one more thing my body can't get right anymore. Sorry, self-indulgent whinge. I should come over to the other thread when I'm in a better mood.


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## dani86

Bless you!! My bleeding kept coming and going like that you know and then I jst stalled sex for a few days and it went!!! I've had a few glasses of wine tonight to cheer me up a bit but u shud defo come and join in when u feel better! Must have felt shit when ur toddler said that but jst think there will b a baby in there soon, it is hard but as you've said to me ttc is the only thing keeping us going at the min and get that cbfm set on day 5 so u can start tomorrow!!! What's ur names by the way?? Mines Danielle!! X x


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## dani86

And my diet isn't too good either had a pizza tonight a big greasy takeaway one! I'm smoking loads to have since I lost baby but I dnt help it hadn't smoked since last October/November now I jst have no will power as soon as I get that bfp I will stop tho x x


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## ca154853

Hi MyAngelAvery
I am so sorry for your loss and completely understand that everyone's loss and situations are different. I do want to give you hope by telling you I also suffered a full term stillborn. I was induced when they found no heartbeat. My baby Kaitlyn was born the day before her due date. They think it was a cord accident. That was back in 2001. I have since had 2 beautiful healthy boys. I will tell you that because they could not determine the exact cause of the still birth I have since been considered high risk and am usually induced between 37-38 weeks. Hang in there baby girl. I know it is tough. My heart breaks for you. :'( Nothing will replace little Avery but you will be able to give her brothers and sisters have no fear.


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## dani86

U feeling better today delish?? X x


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## Delish

Yes thanks dani, was having a very feel sorry for myself day yesterday! I'm Claire by the way :)
Still can't seem to get in ketosis with my low-carbing but haven't cheated exactly, just probably eating a few to many of the low-carb bars and stuff. Do you still have smilies?? I dunno why I have so much EWCM when my OPKs have stopped giving lines. Weird weird weird xx


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## dani86

No more smiley only had the one but Gunna :sex: one last time tonight jst incase!! I have those feel sorry for myself days too!! That is weird have no idea what it could be Hun. My diet has been crap today I ate a nandos :-( x


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## Becktoria

Hi dani and delish, I recently lost my baby at 36 weeks due to placenta abruption. I feel completely lost and feel like I'm on my own. I feel as tho I'm never going to b happy again. I hav a great family and husband but nobody truely knows how I feel. I just want my baby it hurts so much. I would love to have another but scared it will happen again ice not had my 6 weeks check yet.I hope u don't mind me commenting I just feel u will both probably know how I feel xx


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## Delish

Becktoria - big, big hugs to you, of course we don't mind you commenting! I know exactly how you feel but you're definitely not on your own, promise.
I haven't had a postnatal appointment or a consultant one yet either and this is week 6 now. When was your little one born (if you don't mind me asking)?
There's no rules hon, if and when you feel ready to try again just go for it, it's definitely a scary time but also something to focus on. But don't worry about whether or not it's too early, I did at first but it's helping me.
Talking to others in the same position is really helping too so I hope you stick around. xxx


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## Becktoria

My little girl too keeps touching my belly and asks why has the baby gone . It breaks my heart as I want her to hav a little brother or sister so bad. She was looking forward to her little sister that I lost at 36 wks two weeks ago.hope u don't mind me posting a reply I just understand how upsetting it is wen your little one mentions baby xxx


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## Becktoria

I lost my baby girl two weeks ago. I have another little girl who is 4. I was having pains an thought I was going into labour then I thought my waters had broke an it wasn't it was blood. I knew from that moment my baby had gone. My husbands gone back to work today and it's just me and my girl at home, I feel as though I don't want to go out an bump into people I know but I know I have to to entertain my 4 year old. My hearts just broken and sometimes I can't believe what's happened. Glad I have someone else to talk to now who knows what I'm feeling. I hope your appointment for your check comes through soon, I want my appt too I need answers xxx


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## Delish

Aww bless your little girl, mine is only 18 months so though she points at bumps and says baby which is hard enough, she didn't really understand I don't think and I'm thankful I didn't have to tell her the baby was gone. I can't imagine how hard that part would have been for you.
I know exactly how you feel, I dread seeing people I know, or even people I don't know but who've seen me pregnant and must be wondering where the baby is. I have no idea when that stops. :(
It's very hard when you have another LO to entertain because you have to carry on as normal for them, of course we're so lucky to have them as a reason to keep going but we also don't get that time to just shut ourselves away and be selfish and wallow because it's not an option with LOs around.

Did they give you any idea what might have happened? I don't expect to be given much new information as I declined post mortem, however he had the cord round his neck so that sort of seemed obvious to me. I suppose there might have been more to it. I won't be chasing up my appointment to be honest as I dread going back into the hospital, but if I get sent one I'll go. xxx


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## Becktoria

I declined Post mortem Too I didn't want her little body messed with. They have sent off my placenta too see if there was anything up with it, also there was a huge clot hidden behind it so I don't know how long that was there for. I need answers so I can move forward. Have you had any aftercare? Have any midwives Been out to see you? I just wish I could feel better, my hearts been ripped out and I don't think I'm ever going to get put this frame of mind. Lots of my friends are pregnant including my sister an it hurts so much to think they will get to cuddle there babies an watch them grow, I will never get that. Sorry to so negative I'm on such a downer today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Thanks for listening xx


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## Delish

Sorry for not replying sooner, I'm away at my dads at the mo. I really hope you can get some answers soon. I had one midwife out then asked them not to come again, it just reminded me of what wasn't here :( and physically I'm fine. Asked the HV not to come too. How about you, are you having much aftercare?

One of my friends is pregnant too and it's really hard being around her. I actually pray I'm pregnant again before she has hers and then it'll be easier to handle I think.
I hope you've had even slightly better days this week hon, I know how wrenching it is. Sometimes it's so raw it's like being punched in the gut, others I almost feel like it happened to someone else. It's like I can't quite process this could actually be my life now :(

xxx


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## pamepinto28

Hello everone,
Im new here and I hope you dont mind if I post. I too have had a stillbirth at 34 weeks. My husband and I tried for years to get pregnant and ended up doing fertility treatment to get pregnant. We were elated!! My water broke at 33 weeks and they wanted to keep her in longer and put me on bedrest. During that time we somehow contracted Ecloi and she passed before we knew there was a problem. I was told I may never get pregnant as I have a conditon called Poly cystic ovarian syndrome. My husband and I were devastated. I didnt think I could get ever get past the pain. I hid and didnt want friends or family to visit. I didnt want to see anyone. I didnt want questions and didnt want those who didnt know to ask how the baby was. Unfortuneately they asked anyway. Eventually I had no choice but to face it. It was not easy....My baby girl passed in April 2006. It has bee 5+ years. I went back on fertility meds and had a beautiful son Oct. 2007. Then very unexpectantly we fell pregnant again on our own and I had another beautiful son Nov 2009. And once again I am pregnant with a daughter who is Due Dec 9th 2011. I want to share my story to give some hope to all of you. Its been 5 years now since we lost our beautiful baby girl and its still hard. That sting never goes away. Never. You will always remember with a heavy heart, always wonder and always miss him/her however it does get better. Slowly there will be days where you feel you can smile again. where you thik about it a little less. and life somewhat returns to normal. Then one day you reralize that you will make it thru this. And you will be a stronger person. There is hope. It does get better. I am praying for you all. There is no right or wrong way to deal with such a heartache. You just have to get thru today and tomorrow gets easier. I promise. Best wishes to you all. If I can help in anyway please feel free to let me know. Ive been there.... big hugs to you all!


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## Becktoria

Hi delish hope you are ok. How have you been. I've had bad few days but went to see one of my friends today which made me feel bit better. Although I've had pelvic infection and got to go for scan on Monday as had lots of pain. Fingers crossed everything ok. Xx


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## Delish

pamepinto28 - thank you, those are really lovely, kind words. I so appreciate you taking the time to write that. xxx

Becktoria - sorry to hear you've been having a bad few days but glad you're friend has helped you feel better. Ouch for the pelvic infection, hope it goes ok on Monday, keep me updated. Is it to do with the birth or totally unrelated??
I went to light a candle at the cathedral and write a prayer for my boy this week, which I'm glad I got to do, I know it doesn't 'do' anything but it helped me I think. Still focusing quite hard on trying again, I find I need a couple of 'projects' on the go to keep my mind busy if you know what I mean? xxx


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## Myangelavery

Hey girls!! thank u to everyone posting giving each other hope...i have noticed we all feel the same after our losses andam glad that there are people to talk to. I am goin on almost a year since avery was born and still crying and looking at pictures, her room still looks the same and i talk about her everyday. Its so hard!!! Not pregnant yet....tried soy isos this cycle but my boyfriend and i keep arguing that hes not ready! Still thinkin it will never happen hoping no problems r in there! good luck evryone & baby dust!!<3


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## Delish

Hugs to you Myangelavery, I'm glad you came back to the thread (and sorry if we took it over a bit for a while there!)
I'm sorry you're having a hard time convincing your boyfriend, can understand him being worried/scared to try again as it's such a personal thing and everyone is different, maybe you can explain to him this is what you need to heal so he can try to understand you more?
It *will* happen for you hon, it happened once and it will happen again! Did it take you long the first time?
Hope the soy works for you, it's for irregular cycles right?


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## Myangelavery

they say to use soy for irregular cycles but it can lenthen your leutal phase and my cycles are 25 to 27 days so i thought id give it a shot.....althought when time came to try my boyfriend filled me in that he wasnt ready. I wish i didnt pump myself with estrogen just to be turned down lol;-) We werent trying when we concieved avery just not preventing and took about 6 months. My cycles didnt get regular til may or june so hoping thats why it hasnt happened yet. Thank u so much for your kind words ...hoping bfp story for the thread soon!!!0 babydust to u sweetie!!!!


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## Jox

Hi, My son was stillborn at 36+2 weeks 2nd January 2010, 36+2 weeks later my Rainbow was delivered by csec at 34+3 weeks. I fell preg just 3 weeks after my Angel was born.

I am soon going to be ttc my 2nd Rainbow. After falling preg so soon after birth i am now worried I will have problems ttc but i suppose only time will tell.

My bf is currently preg, due just 2 days after my angels due date so it is a little hard and im hoping to be preg before she has baby in the hope it makes it all a little easier to deal with iykwim?

Im sorry for your losses and really hope youve all got BFPs just around the corner x


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## dani86

Hey everyone, haven't posted On bnb for a while so jst been catching up on posts!! Becktoria I'm so sorry for your loss it is one of the most painful things to go thru in the world! I lost my lil girl on 27 June and each day is hard for me some days easier than others, I know what u mean bout going out coz ur scared to see ppl coz I feel exactly the same and there's only certain places I will go. I dread the day someone close to me tells me that they r preg it will kill me so hopefully I get preg first then wnt find it as bad iykwim??! X c


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## Delish

Hmm Myangelavery I bet if you just jumped his bones he probably wouldn't turn you down!

*waves at dani*

Becktoria how are you doing this week?


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## dani86

Hi Delish :hi: x x


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## Myangelavery

lol!!!;-)


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## Becktoria

Hi ladies sorry not replied. Not been too good , after having my scan they decided it didn't look normal, plus pains I've been having not normal. So I got admitted to hospital and had an operation so they could have look inside. They found I still had bits of placenta left inside!! D&C done. Bit sore today :( just one thing after another,plus it would of been my beautiful little girls birthday today. I just ache for her so much :( my lovely little sister has bought me a star that's now named after her, so everytime I look into the night sky and I see the stars I will think of her and she will be twinkling down on me. Hope all you ladies are ok. Gives me great comfort I have people to chat with thankyou so much xxxxx


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## Becktoria

I meant my little girls due date :( xx


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## Delish

Oh Becktoria I'm so sorry you've had to go through that, as if you haven't had enough to handle. :( Big hugs to you, hopefully now your body can heal properly, we have enough pain to handle in our hearts without the physical letting us down too.

What a lovely thing for your sister to do, I'd been thinking about doing that or something similar. I was thinking in the future when I come to tell A/future children about their brother I can also use it to show them he's a star in the sky watching over, seems like it'd be a nice way to explain it. Do you know if it cost a lot?

I'm quite emotional today, hormones not helping with that.

I hope your week goes a bit better hon, always here if you need to chat. xxx


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## Myangelavery

Omg so sorry u had to go thru that sweetie ....thats aweful!!!!! My boyfriend and i signed for our daughters autopsy after i had her because nobody knew what happened and 3 months later they told us they didnt know y but it just wasnt done!! Its so painful to have a stillborn baby and have to say goodbye but then it feels as though u can never catch a break!! hugs to u becktoria!!<3


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## Becktoria

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a lot better today. Delish big hugs too you hope you are feeling bit better today. Spoke to consultant who's doing my 6 week check she saud I should have my appt through at beginning of September so fingers crossed I will get some answers. I hope so as I really want to try again once I'm physically better. I will speak to my sister and find all the details for you with buying a star. I sobbed when she gave it to me it was such a lovely thought. Really want a glass of wine tonight, can't wait to finish my antibiotics. Got a few days supply after op just in case. Lots of love to everyone xxx


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## Delish

Glad you're feeling better Becktoria. My consultant appointment will be September 2nd, I'm dreading it, but glad it looks like yours is coming through quicker than mine - seems to have taken ages. I doubt he can give me any answers but I hope to ask him about what they will do for me in future pregnancies.

I had a bad day today as my friend found out today she is having a boy and I couldn't stop crying at the bus stop. I hate feeling so jealous but I can't help it. :(

Hope you can have your wine soon hon, I have had some this week for the first time in about 3 years, was lovely!


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## Becktoria

Oh delish I know exactly how you feel, it must of been awful for you. Sending a big hug your way. I'm finding it difficult to be around anyone pregnant at the min. My sister is booked in for her c section in 3 weeks, it's going to be so hard when she has her baby especially if it's a girl. We went through pregnancy together and couldn't wait to be off on maternity together bringing up r babies. It's going to b a constant reminder that my beautiful girl should be here and would be the same age as her new cousin.it crushes me inside. I even think my husband is getting sick of my constant downers. I know he's upset too but I think men just tend to get on with it. This whole in my heart is never going to go is it? When I wake up in the morning the agony slaps me right in my face. I've got another little girl that keeps me going but I'm struggling even with her.:( I'm so glad you have your appt through and I hope you get some answers and reassurance for future rainbow babies. I don't want to try until I've seen my consultant . Plus I'm still bleeding,even more so now I've had op to remove bits of placenta. I just worry this has affected my fertility I know that sounds silly but can't help think the worse. I hope you have a better day today. Let's keep are chins up :) xxxxx


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## ascharnh

I have been reading everyone's posts and just wanted to say thank you and introduce myself. My name is Angela. I lost my twin little boys, Christian and Everett, at 22 weeks gestation a week ago today. They were my first. The doctors don't know the cause, but we are still waiting for the placenta pathology to come back so maybe that will give some answers. We have spent the last week planning the funeral which is today in about 2 hours. I don't know how I am going to get through it. I have had thoughts of running away because I don't think I can handle it. It helps me to read your posts and to think about trying again to have a rainbow baby. Learning all the lingo, slowly but surely. My heart aches like I never knew it was possible to hurt. Thank you for giving me some hope.


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## mhazzab

ascharnh said:


> I have been reading everyone's posts and just wanted to say thank you and introduce myself. My name is Angela. I lost my twin little boys, Christian and Everett, at 22 weeks gestation a week ago today. They were my first. The doctors don't know the cause, but we are still waiting for the placenta pathology to come back so maybe that will give some answers. We have spent the last week planning the funeral which is today in about 2 hours. I don't know how I am going to get through it. I have had thoughts of running away because I don't think I can handle it. It helps me to read your posts and to think about trying again to have a rainbow baby. Learning all the lingo, slowly but surely. My heart aches like I never knew it was possible to hurt. Thank you for giving me some hope.

Hi guys, sorry for jumping onto this thread, just saw this last message and felt I had to reach out to you, Angela. I was going to PM you, but it wouldn't let me. I lost my twin girls at 23w, almost 9 weeks ago now. My heart has been broken by losing my little girls, I just wanted to say that if you want to talk, I'm here for you. I've found a lot of comfort from speaking to others on here, particularly those who have also lost twins.

I hope the funeral goes okay for you (if you know what I mean), I'm so sorry you are having to go through this xx


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## Becktoria

Oh angela massive hug to you. I hope the funeral went as well as it can be. I lost my liitle girl at 36 weeks pregnant 4 weeks ago tomorrow. It's the most painful thing anybody can go through. I hope you get the answers you need, I'm in limbo too I just have no answers to why this happened and frightened it will happen again. If you ever need to talk to anybody I am always here for you. I find it a great comfort to speak to all the lovely ladies on here and we all know what each other are going through. Lots of love xxx


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## Delish

Thanks Becktoria. Trying to be reasonable about it but I don't bloody well feel like being reasonable to be honest! I want to shout in a big loud voice IT'S NOT FAIR! But I don't like making a fuss so I keep quiet obviously.
It must be even worse for you with your sister being so close to her due date. Your husband probably just doesn't know what to do for you hon, I'm sure he's not fed up with you. I don't talk about it in much depth with mine anymore, I mention if I have a bad day or something upsets me, but that's it, I don't know how to handle his grief and I don't want to put mine on him. So we try and look ahead as much as we can because looking back's too painful.
Sorry, that was a bit rambly and didn't make a lot of sense! I hope your bleeding stops soon anyway, I know I was so relieved when mine did, it's one less reminder of what's happened I guess.
I'm due to test when my appointment comes so I'm crossing everything I can go knowing I'm pregnant but somehow I know I can't get that lucky, since the universe seems to have it in for me lately. :(

Big hugs to Angela & mhazzab. Angela I really hope the funeral went as well as possible for you and that you are being kind to yourself today, I know I dreaded G's funeral so much and the day was just another torture to get through. But we get through it somehow. God knows how.
You are always welcome here to cry, rant, whatever to us, we all know your pain hon. And if you do start trying again we're right here for that too, it's a scary & stressful thing this time around I'll admit but so much easier for having others to share it all with.

I've written bloody loads now, I'll shut up! xxx


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## mhazzab

Delish said:


> Big hugs to Angela & mhazzab.

thanks Delish!

so sorry all of you have had to go through this. I was worried throughout my pregnancy that something bad would happen, but I didn't seriously think that it would - these sorts of things happen to other people, don't they? For those waiting for answers as to why - I hope you get them. It took over 7 weeks for me to get my appoinbtment, seemed like forever. There was evidence of group B step in the placentas, but they said that probably happened because of the premature labour (apparantly I'm a carrier). Basically I was told there was no known cause for my premature labour, and it was thought that I would be at no higher risk next time. Although it's good that there were no genetic issues, or cervix problems, it's scary that we don't know why it happened. 

For those who are trying again - I wish you all the luck in the world. I finally ovulated last week for the first time post partum, so next time the egg's on its way, I will be trying for my rainbow with you. 

xx


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## ascharnh

I just took an ovulation test this morning for the first time because I wanted to start tracking my cycles and it came back positive. It has only been 8 days since I delivered. Anyone know if it is possible to ovulate this soon after delivering? My doctor said to wait at least 2 cycles before I start trying again but I want to so bad. I am probably not ready emotionally though since I just buried my boys on Sat. I just don't have much else to live for right now. I know you all will understand since you have been through it as well. Thank you Bectoria, Delish and mhazzab for your kind words. The loss of my two beautiful boys has been unbearable up to this point and I don't know how I am going to survive it. All I want to do is lie in bed and stare at the wall all day every day. I hope this gets better with time.


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## Delish

ascharnh - I'm not an expert but I'm wondering if the pregnancy hormone could still be in your body giving you a false positive? Did you take any negative opk tests before the positive one?
I know they came up (false) positive for me for about a week after the birth because of this, then not long after that I got positives again which I assume were proper ones but I didn't count myself as properly trying until my first period tbh so I could track properly.

Big hugs to you, you do whatever feels right for you hon, if you're not sure you're ready yet then tracking is still a good idea so you're ready to go when you want to, but if you do decide to go for it don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't, not even the doctor (unless there's a medical reason for it obviously). We all react differently but we all need to do whatever works for us to try and heal our hearts a little. There is NO right or wrong here. xxx


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## ascharnh

It was the first one I took since delivering. I have taken one every day since and they have all been negative. I had a D&C to remove the placentas after giving birth and am still bleeding from it so I doubt I would be able to get pregnant right now anyways. I am just going to keep tracking it so maybe we can try on the next positive. I don't know how I am going to be pregnant again though. I will be a nervous wreck, I just know it. The doctors sent me home when they shouldn't have so I have absolutely no trust in the medical system anymore. Sucks!


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## Nikki_d72

Hi Ladies,

Can I cautiously join you? I lost my ID twin boys, Ethan and Hayden at 20wks, due to pPROM, followed by labour 6 days later, on 31st July. I haven't had my follow-up yet but I had no markers in my blood for infection for those days really but a positive swab for GBS, so have no real answers what happened either, yet. The only reason we even got that swab result was because I did it myself, they forgot to do them when they were doing the speculum exam and due to the menbranes being ruptured it wasn't a good idea for them to be going in there any more than neccessary. The placenta went to histology but we declined autopsy on the boys, as they were apparently normal, they doubted they would get much from that and we couldn't bear the thought of them being messed with any more - I know that's daft as they had departed their wee bodies but that's how we felt. We have the placenta back but won't have any actual results until the follow-up, if at all.

I'm not even sure we want to try again, we can't make any decisions until we have seen the consultant, and even then I'm not sure we could go through it all again, but I feel awful for my DD, she was so looking forward to being a sister - she's 8 so very well aware of what's happening and has already been asking if we could try again. Maybe the regret of not trying through fear would be worse than the fear itself? I don't know. I feel so guilty even thinking about it - I don't really want another baby, I want my boys back, but I can't have that. 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm so sorry for all of your losses, I wish none of us had to be here and meet this way.

Thanks for listening xxx


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## jesz9

I am very sorry for everyones loss....it jus breaks my heart. My son was stillborn at 21 weeks last October...my amniotic fluid got low is the only thing we know of....we had an autopsy done, but he was perfect, just measuring a bit behind. We got him through doing fertility treatments....and I wanted to offer some hope here.....after almost a year.....we have done IVF and we are expecting twins.....everyday I am scared to pieces.....but trying to stay positive....I just wanted to offer hope that miracles can happen....hoping you all get the miracles you so deserve *big hugs*


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## Delish

ascharnh - big hugs to you hon. I know how scary it is but if & when you want to go for it you will find so much great support here, that's for sure.

Nikki - of course you can! I'm so sorry to hear about your boys, it's no daft at all, I couldn't bring myself to have a post-mortem either, it just felt wrong for me, but they've looked at the placenta and taken my blood. My consultant appointment is next Friday so I guess I find out if there was anything wrong then but my gut feeling is it was a cord accident as it was wrapped around his neck a few times. :(
When is your follow up?
I wish I could give more useful advice but I only say what I said to the previous lady - if you decide you want to try again we're all here to support you, no one can take the fear away but there is a lot of comfort for me in knowing I'm not alone in this journey. I will always make sure people know my next baby will NOT be a replacement. That could never happen. But I got pregnant because I wanted to raise another child and that need hasn't gone away, it's stronger than ever. My son is always my baby but I still have the longing for a baby in my arms. Hope that makes some sort of sense!

jesz -hi & welcome to you too. So sorry for your son too, but congrats on your two rainbow babies! Wishing you a very healthy, happy pregnancy, thank you so much for coming here to encourage us all.

I just wanted to say that I'm so dreading my consultant appointment. I saw a photo of the hospital today and felt sick and cried. Over a PHOTO - and I'm meant to go back in there! :(


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## Nikki_d72

Oh delish, best of luck - I know how you feel there - I had to go to the wee rural unit where I went for my emergency scan and I was shaking, I can't imagine what it will be like if I ever have to go back to the main hospital where I had the boys. I've asked for my consultants appt to be at the rural unit, so I don't have to - that's the only joy of being so far away, not so good when the s**t hits the fan but at least I don't have to go there all the time. Can you request being seen anywhere else?


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## Delish

Thanks Nikki - I don't think I can go anywhere else :( Just got to grit my teeth and get through it somehow! I'm trying not to think about it but I can definitely tell the anxiety is coming out in different physical forms. I think the mind can refuse to worry but the body knows what's going on!

Hope everyone's ok today & looking forward to hearing some lovely rainbow announcements soon (and a cheeky hope that one of them will be mine).


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## Becktoria

Hi delish, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you for your Friday appointment. I hope all goes well and you get some reassurance if not answers to help you in future pregnancies. Big hug xx


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## Becktoria

Hi ladies didn't have anywhere to go to speak to anyone. Feel so depressed today. I've been doin so well, and today I feel as though I've just hit a brick wall an this heart wrenching emotion has slapped me in my face. The only way I can describe it is as if I'm suffocating an I can only come up for tiny bits of fresh air. I want my baby girl so much, I can't function without her. I know everything still raw it's only been just over 5 weeks. My sister is booked in to have her baby next week an I think it's Just brought all this pain I thought I was handling well back. I feel so jealous I can't help it. My little girl was supposed to be born before her baby she should b here with me now. I don't no how um
Going to get through the next couple of weeks with a newborn coming into the family when there should be 2 little babies. I feel as though I can't even talk to my husband at the minute about how I feel, I think I'm getting on peoples nerves. Crying writing this. So sorry for the rant you are the only people who know how I feel. I feel so alone :( x


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## Delish

Hi Becktoria - first, thank you for thinking of me hon. I'm dreading it, will let you know how it goes though.

Secondly, have a big virtual hug. I'm sorry you're feeling so low, it seems to be like that really, you think you're doing ok then it hits you again and you have to pick yourself up all over again. And again. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you with your sister, my friend is pregnant with a little boy and it's killing me daily, if I'm not pregnant again before he is born I don't know how I'll cope. I honestly don't think I can even handle seeing her soon.
Put yourself first, if you're not up to going over to see the baby straight away (I wouldn't be) then don't. They will understand and if they don't then honestly - tough! I know it's hard not wanting to upset others but to be honest sometimes it's either them upset or you, and at least their being upset doesn't involve their having lost a baby. Can you tell I'm starting to develop some toughness??

I'm having a bad day too, got my period yesterday when I'd been getting quite positive about this month. So have to start again and looks like my cycle's messed up too. And my little girl smashed her front tooth and is now missing a chunk. :( Spent a lot of yesterday and today crying and feeling it all over again, got to pick myself up and start over.
xxx


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## DMH1988

I'm new here too. It's been almost 2 months and I am at a point where I have to have others to talk about it who actually understands. I have my boyfriend to talk to but it's hard for him and I don't want to bother him with it everyday. For the first two weeks after, the minute he would get home I would just lose it and break down crying. He said it's hard coming home to someone so upset all the time.


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## Delish

Big hugs DMH1988. You're always welcome to talk on here with us. Feel free to share as much or as little as you want, we all understand. Are you trying again or just thinking about it? x


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## DMH1988

I want to try but he's not ready to really try. At the same time we aren't really preventing either. His idea of "preventing" is the pull out method. I tried to tell him that isn't that effective but he's a hard headed man.


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## Nikki_d72

Beckatoria, I hope you are feeling a little better, it must be so hard to have your sister pregnant and about to deliver, it's bound to stir everything up for you. I know what you mean about getting on everyone's nerves, I feel as if it's all I talk about to some people and it must be irritating, I'm not talking about them and I worry they will start to avoid me. If they are true friends though, they will understand and you can't be thinking about everyone else just now. I'll try to take my own advice too! Delish, good luck for your appointment, hope it goes well for you and you get some good info. I would reccommend you write your q's down if you haven't already as you are likely to get flustered and forget some. ((big hugs)) to you both. 

DMH1988, I'm glad you found these ladies, they are a great support to everyopne and each other. I'm sorry your partner finds it hard you being upset, men can be so different in the way they deal with things. I hope you can convince him to try again when you are both ready, or that his "prevention" fails, hehe. Shouldn't say that I know. Big hugs to you too. xxx


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## Becktoria

thanks nikki, its so hard at the min i was doing so well for weeks then all of a sudden as my sisters due date is getting closer im a mess :( 
thanks to everyone thats replied :) 

DMH1988 i know how you feel with your partner , i think im really starting to get on my partners nerves im constantly crying lately, like you the minute he walks in im in tears. Im trying my best not to go on about it all the time bue its so hard. 

My little girl who is 4 was crying to me the other day, she said she wants the baby back and can the fairies take us to heaven to see her. It just breaks my heart i so want her to have a brother or sister. When i got pregnant she asked me how it got in there haha so we told her we wished for the baby and the fairies come and granted our wish. So now she keeps saying and touching my belly saying is there a baby in there mummy and i tell her no and she says " why not because ive wished for another one" Its so so sad and so unfair. I want another baby so bad but dont think my body is ready just yet. i need my period to return to normal first and go from there. Its so frighteneing though isnt it if we get pregnant for next time. 

Delish ive been thinking of you today. How did it go hun?

Sending big hugs to everyone. dont know what i would do without this site

xxxxx


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## Delish

Aww Becktoria that's so sad about your little girl saying that, maybe tell her sometimes it takes a while for fairies to make the wish come true? Bless her though.

DMH perhaps your partner is scared of actively trying but if his 'method' fails he'll actually be happy? He must know it's not a good prevention so maybe he's hoping the decision will be taken out of his hands if you know what I mean?

My appointment was truly horrible, had to go past all the maternity sections to get there, the consultant stared at me constantly making me really uncomfortable, then said I seemed flat and he was worried about me, had I considered medication? I was quite upset and cross, he doesn't know at all how I am, he had only seen me for 5 minutes by that point! Obviously I wasn't at my best, it was very hard being there.
Anyway the short version is there was nothing they could find that caused it, and I'll get consultant-led care and extra scans in future.

Sending hugs to all you girls and thank you for the kind thoughts. xxx


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## DMH1988

Delish, I think you are right. He doesn't like the idea of a baby being "planned" which I know because he's said so before. I was with his sisters and mom yesterday and his nephew who's 4 pointed at a picture of a baby and said "you have a baby like that. where is your baby at?" I just looked at his mom because I was just at a loss as to what I should tell him since he's only 4. Thankfully she handled it for me telling him that my baby was in Heaven with Jesus, but the rest of the day I was a mess and I couldn't stop crying.


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## katie21188

Hello, can i join you also? I'm currently almost 7 weeks out of delivering my twin girls Ella & Lilly due to pprom also. 
I went to hospital and they admitted me in for the night, I was 22 weeks pregnant. 
The next day I had an ultrasound and it looked really good, I was still producing amniotic fluid and the babies looked great. They were going to send me home but my mum made me stay in another night which I am glad I did as that night I started getting lots more pains and ended up being fully dialated before they checked me :( and 15 hours later I gave birth to Ella who was stillborn and then 3 hours later her sister Lilly. 
It was the worst day of my life and I was in a lot of shock so didn't wanna see them for a couple hours but then I really wanted to. They were so beautiful and looked just like my fiancé and I. 
We at at the stage we really want to try for another baby and i'm thinking we will but I am scared also it will happen again, everyone reassures me it wont but no one can tell the future :(
We also didnt want to send the girls for a PM so they did some tests at the hospital and everything came back normal, there was no signs of infection or anything so we were told they think it is just due to multiple pregnancy.

I am really surprised at how many people have been through the same thing. I am hoping for our rainbow baby soon :)

Do use have a lot of people around you that are pregnant? for me I swear everyone in my DH's family is having babies, mostly all around our girls due date which was 21st November so it will be very hard and am thinking I would love to be pregnant by then :)


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## darkNlovely

ascharnh said:


> I have been reading everyone's posts and just wanted to say thank you and introduce myself. My name is Angela. I lost my twin little boys, Christian and Everett, at 22 weeks gestation a week ago today. They were my first. The doctors don't know the cause, but we are still waiting for the placenta pathology to come back so maybe that will give some answers. We have spent the last week planning the funeral which is today in about 2 hours. I don't know how I am going to get through it. I have had thoughts of running away because I don't think I can handle it. It helps me to read your posts and to think about trying again to have a rainbow baby. Learning all the lingo, slowly but surely. My heart aches like I never knew it was possible to hurt. Thank you for giving me some hope.

Hello, I also lost twin boys at 22 weeks. Everything was normal and no complications until I went into premature labour and had to deliver. The only thingthe dr. noted was that one of the umbilical cords was thinner than the other and that same smaller one may not have been getting enough nutrients.


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## Delish

Hi Katie, I'm SO tired so sorry for a short message but welcome to this thread, wish you didn't have to be here but there's such a supportive bunch of girls here. And yes it seems the whole world is getting pregnant just to spite me lately. *sighs* One of my closest friends is the hardest one to handle.

Hugs to everyone. xx


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## Nikki_d72

Oh Beckatoria that's heartbreaking your wee one saying that. We had something similar in that when I was in hospital after the membrane rupture we asked our wee girl to cross her fingers for us, my OH checked her in bed at night and she was sleeping with all her fingers tightly crossed. Then when it all went wrong anyway she started asking if she hadn't done it enough and I was so sad and peeved at myself for asking her to do that, I didn't think it through. We reassured her though and apologised to her for asking her to but she's 8, nearly 9 so can understand a bit more. It's so sad though seeing them go through this. I think as long as you explain that it's not because she didn't wish hard enough or anything like that you've not got a baby yet, then it should be OK as they do often blame themselves too. It's a hard one as she's maybe a bit young for the truth but this is the problem with the stories we tell to explain things, they've got a habit of tripping us up, haven't they! Maybe say they will only bring one when they know Mummy's body is all healed? Oh I dunno, that's maybe gonna make her hassle you all the time, asking if you're better...sorry I can't be of more help.

Katie, hiya, I replied to your PM before I read your post here so I now realise I've asked you a few things that you've already covered, so just ignore those bits. I also read recently about how the weight and extra fluid with twin pregnancies can trick the body into thinking it's time to deliver when it isn't and given your story and the fact there was no infection or anything that maybe is a possibility for your case? Oh we'll never know, will we? 

My best friend and neighbour is 20weeks pregnant and another friend is due right around my due date too, it's getting hard. Half of the place seems to be pregnant just now, it's known as a fertility hotspot in the area! I think it's just due to the amount of young families here though.

I've just come to the horrible realisation that I can't afford to stay off work any longer so am going to have to ghet back into it - I'm a part-time duty manager in a small resaturant so it's going to be soooo hard to past a false smile on my face and welcome people in. Lots of folk saw me with my big twin belly too, but may not be around enough to know what's happened so I'm so afraid of the "oh you've had your baby then?" remarks that are bound to happen now and then. Also I seem to be OK until anyone asks me how I am, then I lose it, so that's bound to happen a good lot of the time from the people that do know what happened. It's a small place I live in and the work only has a small amount of staff, only myself and the owner has their manager's ticket (which you need to sell alcohol over here, if you are in sole charge, which I am as it's only tiny) so there isn't anyone to take over if I have a meltdown, I'm so scared. We also get a lot of young families in with kids, babies etc which I normally love but it's going to be a hard part now too. Maybe it will be for the best anyway to force me out of the house and into society?

Hope you are all as well as you can be today.

xx


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## Becktoria

Hi ladies didn't no where else to go feel like I'm
All alone an got nobody to talk to these days. Well my sister has had her baby. Feel happy for her but have this overwhelming, suffocating sadness. I've not stopped crying all morning. I'm petrified to go an see her an the new baby. It's just a massive reminder of what I should have. I feel broken xxx


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## Delish

Oh Becktoria I'm so sorry, I'm not surprised at all you're struggling with it, I know I would be handling it terribly. I can't bring myself to look at my friend anymore and I don't know how I'll make myself go see the baby if I'm not pregnant before he arrives. Awful as it sounds I think I'm going to try and see much less of her until my turn comes round again because it feels like a twisting knife in my stomach every time.
I hope it doesn't lose me a friend but I have to look after myself now, which I haven't been very good at doing, and I think you have to do the same hon.
Don't rush yourself, if you decide to go see the baby I think you should warn your sister in advance it will be hard for you and you might not stay long. She will understand, if she has any compassion at all!

Have you talked to a doctor/counsellor/local SANDS group? I haven't but it's not really for me, I find it better coming on here to talk to people, but I wondered if it might be something for you? Whereabouts in the country are you? xxx


----------



## Becktoria

I know what you mean delish I feel as though somebody us just rubbing salt into my wounds. I want a baby so bad I want my little girl. My other sister( I have 3) has contacted sands for me an they are going to get back to her and let her know if there are any active groups in my area. I'm from up north? In Cheshire, what about you?I feel better for coming on here though,it helps me to talk to people that have been through the same. I can't help but feel jealous and I know I shouldn't ,why me, why us, just why did this cruel thing have to happen. I seem to b having more bad days than good lately. I feel as though I'm being a burden on my friends and family, I'm sick of myself crying so they must b thinking the same. I want my mum so bad, I need her. She passed away straight after my 1st daughter was born, I didn't really get to enjoy her being a newborn and was wishing for this time to b so different and full of happiness, how wrong was I. I wish mum was here just to cuddle me :( sorry for sounding so depressed um
Normally a very bubbly positive person xxx


----------



## DMH1988

Becktoria, I feel the same way. A friend of his family just had a baby and I couldn't even think to go to the hospital and see them. I had spent the morning swimming with them and then they were heading to see the new baby. I cried all the way home and then got into bed and cried until he got home and finally calmed me.

I know a baby being born is suppose to be a happy thing, but it's just hard not to feel sad at the same time when that was suppose to be you. I don't think they can truely understand our sadness because they got their miracle when we didn't.


----------



## Becktoria

Well it's my appt tomoz wiv consultant. I'm so nervous about it. Don't think I will get any answers to why I had placenta abruption. I want to try again
So bad but so petrified will happen again. Plus I need to lose some weight first. You don't mind as much about the weight as you have your beautiful baby but we don't have are angels so makes me feel depressed that much more :(


----------



## Delish

I was just wondering yesterday how you were doing Becktoria, I meant to come and post but got carried away making candles (decided I needed a hobby!).
What time's your appointment? Have you got a list of questions to ask? Mine was horrible but I cross everything you have a consultant who has sensitivity as most people seem to have better experiences than I did. I had placental abruption too but he didn't really mention it as a factor so I'm assuming it probably happened after G died. In a way it's good I guess to not have a reason as it means there's nothing wrong for future? But frustrating too.

I don't want to talk about losing weight this week, I have fallen off the wagon bigtime! Getting back on next month if not pregnant I guess.

I really hope you'll be trying alongside us soon (when you're ready of course), I'm very ready for my rainbow baby and hoping & praying for yours too. xx


----------



## Nikki_d72

Hi ladies, hope you are well. 

I had my follow-up last Thurs and it went quite well really. I had swung it so I got the OB I have some faith in (he's the only one that comes up this way so I requested my appt nearer here rather than the base hospital) and I'm glad I did. 

He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission. 

I thought I would have to fight for monitoring in any future pregnancy as lots of the doctors were maintaining that I couldn't have IC as I had birthed my first DD at near enough full term but he said straight away that they would be monitoring cervical length by ultrasound weekly from 10 weeks if I get pregnant again and doing a cerclage immediately if any change. He said that as I'd had a previous c/section that they could rule out a non stardardly shaped uterus as it would have been noticed when they were rummaging about in there so he really thinks it was just the distension caused by the twin pregnancy that caused the IC but they will treat it very seriously anyway. There is a chance that the previous C/S may have done something to the cervix as he told me that's where they are working when they do it and I had a small extension downwards as well.

He said there was no medical evidence for waiting longer than a couple of months post birth for a loss at 20wks, the rest was for emotional reasons. When we left he gave us both a big hug and told us how sorry he was for our losses, I wasn't expecting that!

I came away quite uplifted as so much of what he said was what I was going to harangue him about and I didn't have to. He actually said I'd obviously done my homework and asked very good questions - wow! An obstetrician without a huge ego!

Since then though I've hardly been able to sleep, I just can't still my mind and I seem to be going backwards, I feel so guilty about wanting to try again so soon. I was wondering if we should wait till after the boys would have realistically been here, had they survived, as then the new pregnancy (if I'm so lucky) will have been possible without their loss, IYKWIM? Have any of you thought about this? I'm so scared that if we are successful, and get to term and bring home a baby, that every time I look at him/her I think "you are only here because your brothers died" but then that would make him or her even more of a gift from her brothers, oh I don't know, my head is all over the place. 

That's my update anyway, hope to be joining you in the quest for a rainbow soonish, once I get my head a bit straighter....


----------



## Becktoria

Hi ladies had my appt today. Didn't really get any answers but wasn't expecting to.she the only thing that was a little cause for concern was that my placenta was on the small side she seems to think maybe it hasn't attached properly to begin wiv and may hav not been picked up on scan. Everything else come back fine. I have to have mmr jab as I'm not immune to rubella so once I have this done tomorrow I can't try for a baby for 3 months :( so will have to wait til after Xmas. I've also had full blood tests done today to check for any blood clotting disorders but she doesn't seem to thinking have this. Also been sent for scan on 7th to check everyting ok an if there are any fibriods present. Consultant was lovely and really thorough. Next time I get pregnant I will be monitored very closely and have regular scans, also baby will b delivered at 34wks if I get that far, fingers crossed and praying we will never have ti go through this heartbreak again. I still feel petrified for trying after Xmas as nobody can giv us any definite answers as to if this will happen again. Feel so down tonight, just bringing all those painful memories to the surface. Nikki I'm so glad u got answers, lots of baby dust for you I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. I know exactly what you mean about having baby and thinking they wudnt b here if this hadn't happened, but your rainbow will be your ray of sunshine and a true blessing. I know I won't start to feel happy again until I have a healthy, crying baby in my arms. My beautiful girl will never ever be replaced but having another will fill some of that hole that has been left in my heart. Delish thankyou for your kind words. I don't know what I wud of done without you ladies, let's all stay in touch. I am always here for you all for a chat . Big hugs to everyone xxxxx


----------



## mhazzab

Nikki_d72 said:


> Hi ladies, hope you are well.
> 
> 
> He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.

That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.

xx


----------



## Delish

Hi Nikki, Becktoria, mhazzab *waves*

Becktoria I'm really glad your appointment went ok. I'm amazed they told you you'd deliver at 34 weeks next time, did they say why? I asked if I could be induced before 36 weeks and was told no (but they will do it at 36) as they think the risk would be greater before then. Frustrating how it differs depending on your consultant!
Such a shame you can't try for 3 months, but you could use the time to prepare so you're ready to go when you get the ok? Eg. get your folic acid, start tracking your cycle so you know where you are with it all when the time comes. Might help keep your mind busy if nothing else.

Everyone feels differently, but I'll try and explain how I feel about wanting to try straightaway. But these are only my reasons, not wrong or right, just how I feel. I wanted to have another baby to hold, to watch grow up, to grow up with my daughter. That was taken from me and it's NOT that I want to replace him, because I can't, children aren't interchangeable. In the same way as having a child already doesn't somehow lessen the pain or make up for what I've lost.
But. I still have that want & need, for a baby in my arms. I can't have that baby in my arms and I'll love and miss him until I die but his not being here doesn't change that need, if anything it makes it a million times stronger. I did have another baby, I do have a second child, but I want another one here. With me, with my daughter.
I don't know if it makes sense but I'll stop now before I get upset. Hope it's understood a little.

None of us are wrong for however we choose to go on from here. But whenever any of you are ready I promise I'm right here to hold your hands through it, Becktoria you're right - I dunno what I'd do without the support of others going through this. No one else can EVER understand unless they've been in our shoes.

Massive hugs to all of us. xxx


----------



## Nikki_d72

mhazzab said:


> Nikki_d72 said:
> 
> 
> Hi ladies, hope you are well.
> 
> 
> He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.
> 
> That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.
> 
> xxClick to expand...

Hi Mhazzab,

The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.

How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.

Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM? 

Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?

My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well. 

Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.

I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!

Sorry this turned into an essay!

ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xx


----------



## Nikki_d72

Becktoria said:


> Hi ladies had my appt today. Didn't really get any answers but wasn't expecting to.she the only thing that was a little cause for concern was that my placenta was on the small side she seems to think maybe it hasn't attached properly to begin wiv and may hav not been picked up on scan. Everything else come back fine. I have to have mmr jab as I'm not immune to rubella so once I have this done tomorrow I can't try for a baby for 3 months :( so will have to wait til after Xmas. I've also had full blood tests done today to check for any blood clotting disorders but she doesn't seem to thinking have this. Also been sent for scan on 7th to check everyting ok an if there are any fibriods present. Consultant was lovely and really thorough. Next time I get pregnant I will be monitored very closely and have regular scans, also baby will b delivered at 34wks if I get that far, fingers crossed and praying we will never have ti go through this heartbreak again. I still feel petrified for trying after Xmas as nobody can giv us any definite answers as to if this will happen again. Feel so down tonight, just bringing all those painful memories to the surface. Nikki I'm so glad u got answers, lots of baby dust for you I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. I know exactly what you mean about having baby and thinking they wudnt b here if this hadn't happened, but your rainbow will be your ray of sunshine and a true blessing. I know I won't start to feel happy again until I have a healthy, crying baby in my arms. My beautiful girl will never ever be replaced but having another will fill some of that hole that has been left in my heart. Delish thankyou for your kind words. I don't know what I wud of done without you ladies, let's all stay in touch. I am always here for you all for a chat . Big hugs to everyone xxxxx

Thanks, Beckatoria. I'm sorry you didn't really get any answers, I didn't really either but was just glad they will monitor me in future, I'm glad they will for you, too. :hugs: 

I'm with Delish, try to use the time to prepare as best you can. I want to lose a heap of wieght, but I'm 39 so don't have too much time up my sleeve but if I can set a date for myself I might try to do a bit, though it can't be too severe or I might mess up my cycles. Anyway, is there anything you'd like to do before you try again? Go on holiday, lose weight, get wildly drunk, jump out of a plane? You could make a mini pre-pregnancy "bucket list" and work your way through it. Says the woman sitting in her dressing gown, lol. I've got flu, I've an excuse for today, don't for all the others though! Anyway, just a thought, that mabe having a date to work to may bo no bad thing, as I'm swinging from wanting to try right now, to doing the things I know I should first, so if he'd said "wait till blah" it may have motivated me abit instead of this endless indecision. Loads of babydust to you for December, could you go away for a romantic Christmas together somewhere? xx


----------



## Nikki_d72

Delish said:


> Hi Nikki, Becktoria, mhazzab *waves*
> 
> Everyone feels differently, but I'll try and explain how I feel about wanting to try straightaway. But these are only my reasons, not wrong or right, just how I feel. I wanted to have another baby to hold, to watch grow up, to grow up with my daughter. That was taken from me and it's NOT that I want to replace him, because I can't, children aren't interchangeable. In the same way as having a child already doesn't somehow lessen the pain or make up for what I've lost.
> But. I still have that want & need, for a baby in my arms. I can't have that baby in my arms and I'll love and miss him until I die but his not being here doesn't change that need, if anything it makes it a million times stronger. I did have another baby, I do have a second child, but I want another one here. With me, with my daughter.
> I don't know if it makes sense but I'll stop now before I get upset. Hope it's understood a little.


Thanks, Delish, that does make perfect sense. It breaks my heart to see my daughter lonely and wanting a sibling soo bad, she asks me every day if we'll try again, it was the first thing she asked when she came home from school after we'd been to our appointment. I also have the need for a baby and none of the reasons for that have gone away, I really want one right now, even though I know I'm probably not emotionally ready, but I doubt I ever will be, really. I was just wondering if I should wait until after the boys' due date so that it would be possible for any new baby to exist even if they had survived, it's just a stupid thing I'm stuck on. No-one has the magic answer, I know. 

Thanks to all of you for your lovely support here by the way, and for being so welcoming xxx


----------



## mhazzab

Nikki_d72 said:


> mhazzab said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nikki_d72 said:
> 
> 
> Hi ladies, hope you are well.
> 
> 
> He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.
> 
> That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.
> 
> xxClick to expand...
> 
> Hi Mhazzab,
> 
> The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.
> 
> How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.
> 
> Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM?
> 
> Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?
> 
> My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well.
> 
> Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.
> 
> I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!
> 
> Sorry this turned into an essay!
> 
> ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xxClick to expand...

Nikki  thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time. 

I had a lot of discharge during pregnancy, but then it got kind of green and snot-like on the Friday (sorry if TMI, lol) and was like little lumps. Like you, I wondered if it was the plug. For the previous couple of weeks I had been having Braxton hicks. Looking back, that weekend I had a few mild contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I didnt realise that was what they were. There may have been a clear watery discharge too but Im not 100% sure. On the Sunday, there was a tiny bit of blood in the discharge, and I had another couple of contractions so I went into hospital. They examined me manually/visually, but as soon as they finished, I started having really bad contractions. I keep going over in my head, I wonder whether everything would have been okay if I had refused the exam, and I feel guilty, but then, I know that something was wrong before that, maybe it just sped things along.

I was having really bad contractions and in labour for about 3 hours before my waters from the first twin literally exploded, yuk, they hit the wall opposite me and soaked the midwife (!). After that, everything stopped, and it was almost 24 hours before the contractions started again and my girls were born a few hours later.

They did say I would get extra scans, possibly antibiotics, and internal scan around the same time I lost the girls, when Im next pregnant. I reckon I will really push for the extra care, Im not going through this again if it can be avoided. We were supposed to have it with this pregnancy, but it hadnt started yet by the time I had them. Maybe I should go back to the consultant and ask them about what we have discussedI might do that when I find myself pregnant again, so we can discuss what extra care I get, and when.

Thanks again, sorry it was so long! xx


----------



## Nikki_d72

mhazzab said:


> Nikki_d72 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> mhazzab said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nikki_d72 said:
> 
> 
> Hi ladies, hope you are well.
> 
> 
> He said that there was Group B strep evident in the membranes and placenta, though he has no way of knowing whether the memrane rupture introduced the strep or the strep broke the membranes but he thinks my cervix opened enough to allow the membranes to become exposed to the bacteria which weakened and broke them. That's pretty much the conclusion I had come to as well, as in retrospect I had a few signs of silent dilation, though I didn't recognise them at the time and I tested positive for GBS on admission.
> 
> That's the same thing that they told me, baby and placenta infected by group b strep but they don't know if it caused early labour or was a result of it. Their conclusion for me was no known cause. Do you mind me asking what signs you had of silent dilation? When I went into hospital, they examined me and they said my cervix was closed, but within about 30 mins when I was examined again it was fully dilated? I still worry if maybe it was a cervix issue.
> 
> xxClick to expand...
> 
> Hi Mhazzab,
> 
> The signs were very very slight, but about a week prior to the rupture I had a snotty clump of discharge, after no discharge the whole pregnancy (all my mucus production seemed to be happening in my nose, lol, same as with DD) and I remember thinking "that looks a bit plug-like" but then there was no more and it went out of my head. From about then on (in hindsight) I had a watery clear discharge, which kept making me run to the loo to check for blood as it had that dribbly feeling to it (sorry TMI), it had no smell and wasn't the milky discharge you normally get with pregnancy but it's been so long since I was last pregnant i just thought it must be pregnancy discharge. I've since read it can be a sign of silent dilation and one of the Obstetricians said something similar. The whole time from about 10 weeks I had lots of what I thought were Braxton Hicks and I was generally damn uncomfortable for most of the time, but the distension was probably caused by the twin pregnancy.
> 
> How were you checked though? By internal Ultrasound, or just manually? The thing is, it starts to dilate from the inside out, so it could start funnelling for quite a while, allowing the membranes to bulge into the cervix quite a bit but not be picked up from a visual or manual exam, unless it's by U/S. A manual exam may have triggered the sudden dilation for you as well. I don't know how dilated I became because I wouldn't allow any more manual exams after the first sterile speculum on admisssion, to try to keep infection out, but i obviously dilated enough to push them out.
> 
> Did you have obvious contractions before your waters broke? i.e was it early labour proper, or pPROM?
> 
> Did they say whether they would monitor for cervix issues in any subsequent pregnancy? If you are worried I would push for that, as too many times IC isn't diagnosed till you've had two or more losses, that's just not on, as far as I'm concerned. Did they say they would do anything for you in a future pregnancy?
> 
> My Ob did say that strep is naturally present in many women at some point (which I knew) and that in itself is no cause for alarm, only if it's in the urine, then it signals a massive overgrowth. He said normally there is no way for it to get into the upper tract (uterus) unless the cervix has opened to let it in, but I know if it's in the urine it can trigger contractions as well.
> 
> Can I ask how long your waters were broken for before you went into labour? This may help you ascertain whether the strep would have had time to ascend after the rupture, or whether it was more likely the cause of it. I had 6 days from rupture to labour, so for me there really is no way of knowing which came first but if yours was quite fast then I'd be asking the question how it got in there and definately pushing for cervical checks in future. he said that after a rupture it's not a case of if infection will happen, but when.
> 
> I'm sorry you got no answers, i didn't either really as there is no way of knowing for sure but I was glad I didn't have to fight for the cervix checks, as that was my main concern as well. Can you get back in touch with them to ask some more questions? Hope you get somewhere, otherwise, if you get pregnant, just make some noise until they listen to you!
> 
> Sorry this turned into an essay!
> 
> ETA: I've also read that the body can be tricked by the weight of twins + amniotic fluid etc to think it's time to go into labour, so it may just be a twin thing too, sad as that is. xxClick to expand...
> 
> Nikki  thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time.
> 
> I had a lot of discharge during pregnancy, but then it got kind of green and snot-like on the Friday (sorry if TMI, lol) and was like little lumps. Like you, I wondered if it was the plug. For the previous couple of weeks I had been having Braxton hicks. Looking back, that weekend I had a few mild contractions. This was my first pregnancy so I didnt realise that was what they were. There may have been a clear watery discharge too but Im not 100% sure. On the Sunday, there was a tiny bit of blood in the discharge, and I had another couple of contractions so I went into hospital. They examined me manually/visually, but as soon as they finished, I started having really bad contractions. I keep going over in my head, I wonder whether everything would have been okay if I had refused the exam, and I feel guilty, but then, I know that something was wrong before that, maybe it just sped things along.
> 
> I was having really bad contractions and in labour for about 3 hours before my waters from the first twin literally exploded, yuk, they hit the wall opposite me and soaked the midwife (!). After that, everything stopped, and it was almost 24 hours before the contractions started again and my girls were born a few hours later.
> 
> They did say I would get extra scans, possibly antibiotics, and internal scan around the same time I lost the girls, when Im next pregnant. I reckon I will really push for the extra care, Im not going through this again if it can be avoided. We were supposed to have it with this pregnancy, but it hadnt started yet by the time I had them. Maybe I should go back to the consultant and ask them about what we have discussedI might do that when I find myself pregnant again, so we can discuss what extra care I get, and when.
> 
> Thanks again, sorry it was so long! xxClick to expand...

No worries. It wasn't as long as my ramble! 

Hindsight's a wonderful thing, isn't it? I go over and over things too. I don't think you should blame yourself for allowing the internal though, unfortunately it sounds like it was fairly far advanced by that stage - given that you'd had a bloody show by then. The only reason I asked that was that there is no way they could discount funnelling etc by a manual exam. It would have happened anyway. It does really sound like a true case of preterm labour for you, maybe triggered by the strep - they told me that I would go into labour if my body detected infection as a protective mechanism and that's what happened to me. I'm no doctor though. I had SROM with DD before labour started (but at near enough term, so it didn't matter) and I was put on a time limit to deliver because of the chance of infection, but I think it was 48hours or something like that, so I would wonder if the time your waters were broken for would be enough to allow it to ascend, or if it somehow got in prior, causing the labour. No-one seems to be able to say for sure, do they? I wish some more research would be done on this, so less people need suffer this. 

There's quite a good website I found all about pretem labour and avoiding it : https://www.keepemcookin.com/symptoms.aspx

It might be worth a look. 

I'm glad they have offered extra care for you, you may just have to push for it to start earlier - the risky time for IC seems to be from 16-27 weeks, I think so ideally monitoring should start prior to then, especially if a rescue cerclage is going to possibly be needed - the best results seem to be when they are placed about 12 - 14 weeks, before things get too critical. I'm sure if you were to be pregnant with a singleton, it would be less likely though but worth the caution anyway. 

Did you know you were carrying twins? If so, did anyone warn you about the possibility of preterm labour? I didn't know I was carrying two for sure, I had a strong feeling but I'd declined the 12 week scan as I didn't want the nuchal test - my anomaly scan was scheduled for the day after I ended up having the emergency because my waters had gone the day prior, so it was bittersweet to find out and see them both on the scan that day.

Oh, that's turned into another ramble, sorry!
xxx


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## Becktoria

Hi everyone. How r u all doing? Need somebody to talk to. :( it's been 9 wkd this week since my angel went to heaven. Feel really really down. My other little girl has started school so I'm in house all day, thinking of even going back to work but emotionally don't think I can hack it. Not due back at work offically until march as that wud of been the end of my 9 month maternity. It's driving me insane being at home wiv no baby. As well as my sister who has just had a beautiful boy one of my close friends had her baby boy last week too. Feel so lonely, and negative and jealous. Does any1 else feel the same? When am I going to feel better, I was doing do well but feel I've took 5 steps back with nobody to talk to. :( sorry for going on :( x


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## DMH1988

I have those days sometimes. I'm getting close to my due date which happens to be his birthday so I know that will be the hardest day for both of us. I was with his mom at her doctor the other day and a baby in the waiting room was screaming and crying the entire time. The man with her just sat there reading and completely ignored her. By the time his mom returned I was practically in tears. It was terrible :cry:


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## Nikki_d72

Hi Beckatoria, aww I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I've had plenty like that, I think I'm getting better and then back it all comes. 

It must be hard being on mat leave without your baby, do you think you might go back a bit early? What do you do for a job, would it be a hard one to return to? I've just returned to work but it's only P/T at nights so I'm still alone most of the day. I had to go back as no mat pay here for a loss like mine but in some ways I'm glad I did, it's one more small step acheived, if you know what I mean? It would depend on what job you have though, as to how hard it would be going back. I'm not saying right now either but maybe in a while it may give you something to focus on, outside yourself? I have to put on an act to get through it but even kidding on I'm Ok seems to help me slightly. We're all different though and I may crash again soon!

Sending you big hugs xxx


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## mhazzab

Becktoria said:


> Hi everyone. How r u all doing? Need somebody to talk to. :( it's been 9 wkd this week since my angel went to heaven. Feel really really down. My other little girl has started school so I'm in house all day, thinking of even going back to work but emotionally don't think I can hack it. Not due back at work offically until march as that wud of been the end of my 9 month maternity. It's driving me insane being at home wiv no baby. As well as my sister who has just had a beautiful boy one of my close friends had her baby boy last week too. Feel so lonely, and negative and jealous. Does any1 else feel the same? When am I going to feel better, I was doing do well but feel I've took 5 steps back with nobody to talk to. :( sorry for going on :( x

I'm so sorry you are finding it so hard just now. It's been almost 14 weeks for me, and I am on maternity leave still too, I felt so stupid in the beginning for taking it when I didn't have my babies with me. I felt so lost at first, all my spare time before had revolved around buying baby things, reading up about twins etc. I didn't know what to do with myself, but, slowly, I have come to find purpose in my days by trying out new hobbies. In the beginning I didn't think I would find anything that would take my mind off the twins for a bit, but I got there. Of course, this is not the life I would have chosen, but I felt I had to do something to bring myself away from sitting at home crying all day.

As for other people's babies - everyone else seems to be having them, don't they? I still can't stand to be around young children and have been avoiding friends who recently gave birth, so you are not alone there! It's like someone is ripping out my heart when I hear a baby cry or see a mother holding their baby.

I'm at home all day and on the internet a lot, so if you are ever feeling down and need someone to speak to, I'm here for you xxx


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## Delish

Hey Becktoria sorry you're feeling so down. I wanted to reply earlier but I just had laser surgery done and everything's been so blurry I could barely read the thread nevermind reply!
I hope you're feeling a little better. *hugs* I can imagine the days feel really empty, I found that even with A around I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to do fun stuff as it felt wrong, and I didn't have any plans because all my plans had been for a baby. I've started making myself go to toddler groups now but I find it hard to force myself because I know at least some of the women know I was pregnant, but they don't know me well enough to ask, so I just feel... weird.
Maybe use the time to be kind to yourself, I think you need to keep yourself occupied with some kind of project maybe, but also just take time for you, do whatever makes you feel even a tiny bit better.

I've been called this week by my new manager asking when I'm coming back, which is a bit cheeky but he means well. I said maybe October but I feel sick at the thought. Honestly I don't want to go back until I'm pregnant again. Which sounds really stupid because I definitely wouldn't tell anyone! But I'd know and that'd make all the difference for me....


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## Becktoria

No that doesn't sound silly I don't want to go back to work until I'm pregnant again. I've decided I'm not going back until january. I've joined the gym, going to go everyday whilst my little girl at school, lose some weight and maybe it will release some of those happy hormones. How was you Delish after having your eyes done? I really would love to have my done , I wear contacts everyday, can b such a pain. Need some advic if any1 can help, stopped bleeding after baby and d&c on 2nd September and I still haven't had my period although I'm getting period type pains, I'm getting bit worried just want it so I know everything ok an I can get on track for TTC for December x


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## Delish

Hey Becktoria. It sounds like a positive that you're going to the gym (I would rather be shot!), definitely something to put your energy into... literally! And it's good to have a date in mind for going back to work. What do you do?
My eyes were ok when lasered but after was beyond painful! They're ok now though, sight really improving daily but it takes time to perfect. I wasn't allowed to wear contacts and hated glasses so much.

I'm no expert but if you stopped bleeding Sep 2nd you should be due your period fairly soon, I assume your pains are probably telling you it's on the way. I think it was 3 weeks for me but don't hold me to that! It can be longer, everyone is different, but I hope it comes really soon for you so you can track. I noticed my cycle was totally different length to pre-pregnancy so just to warn you that could happen.

I have some news anyway, I got a positive preg test today. Very, very, very scared & nervous... but cautiously happy. And also feel guilty and I know you girls will understand that. x


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## mhazzab

Delish said:


> I have some news anyway, I got a positive preg test today. Very, very, very scared & nervous... but cautiously happy. And also feel guilty and I know you girls will understand that. x

oh my goodness, congratulations! that's great news, but I totally understand why you feel scared, nervous, guilty and happy all at once! and probably about a million other things!

My husband keeps telling me that I have to think of it as giving my girls a little brother or sister, because they will, of course, never be replaced and will always be in my heart. hopefully I will have my BFP soon too, to make my girls big sisters....

congrats again and I do hope you manage to find a little bit of excitement in amongst all the other emotions. We just have to believe it will all work out okay this time. xxxxx


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## DMH1988

Question ladies about LH and ovulation. I'm on CD 23 and no LH increase. I didn't start checking until a few days after bleeding stopped. Is it possible I could have ovulated that soon after?


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## Nikki_d72

Congrats Delish! Well done, and I hope you can find the joy and ecxitement in there also... xxx


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## Delish

Thanks girls xxx

I just wish I could relax, if you could see me I'm driving myself nuts already! I hope to see all of you with your bfps when you're ready, no one deserves it more x


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## ladydray

Hi girls, just wanted to say a quick hello like many (or all) of you i lost my little boy at 33weeks in march 2010 ans ttc hopin for a bfp very soon as we have just got a clearblue fertility monitor!


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## Becktoria

Delish congratulations!!!!!!! That is fabulous news and gives us all hope. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy it will b a difficult time but you will have your little ray of sunshine before you no it. Big big hugs xxxxxx


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## mhazzab

ladydray said:


> Hi girls, just wanted to say a quick hello like many (or all) of you i lost my little boy at 33weeks in march 2010 ans ttc hopin for a bfp very soon as we have just got a clearblue fertility monitor!

hi ladydray! I'm so sorry for your loss. I got pregnant last time on my first cycle using the CBFM...I wasn't ovulating anywhere near when I thought I was, so it was very helpful!!! I'm hoping it works again for me this time! good luck! xxxx


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## ladydray

Huge good luck to you! sending lots of :dust:
im cuyrrently 5 days late but had "BFN so just playin a waiting game xxxx


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## mhazzab

ladydray said:


> Huge good luck to you! sending lots of :dust:
> im cuyrrently 5 days late but had "BFN so just playin a waiting game xxxx

oooh fingers crossed you get your BFP :) xxxxx


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## Nikki_d72

Good luck, Ladydray!

How is everyone today? I've been getting worse and worse this week, AF has just showed up but we still hadn't got round to DTD anyway, but that maybe explains why everything seems to be amplified for me just now. My cycles have come back pretty regular, so I suppose that's good but I can't help but let it upset me that my body is so damned efficient at "getting back to normal" yet it couldn't protect my babies. Does that make me sound like a lunatic?

Everyone around seems to be announcing accidental pregnancies too, even a guy I barely know was confiding in me last night that he thinks his wife is pregnant and how is he going to afford it blah blah, it took all my strength not to scream at him! I was at work, so it wouldn't do to drag customers over the bar and choke them, really, would it?! I wanted to though. I tried to tell him that he should count his blessings but it's hard to do without sounding condescending and I don't think he's clicked that I lost the pregnancy, even though he would have seen me with a belly up until recently and now not. Too wrapped up in himself to notice. Anyway, it was so unexpected and random, I couldn't believe it. I'm hating work, I have to admit.


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## ladydray

Oh Nikki Sending u huge hugs, I have to say im feeling the exact same, after i had keilan i stopped the after baby bleed and started af 2 days later been regular as clockwork since! my body can obviously sort itself out but it didnt keep my baby safe.
Ive been going through the gettin angry at pregnant people too, esp accidental one or the condescending people that go 'oh i conceived straight away.' make u wanna swear at em. 
if you need a chat chick im always around 
:hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Thanks hon. xxx

My friend has just offered to check out a local counsellor for me, so maybe that will help, though I'm a bit scared as I've heard a lot of folk say you get worse at first before you can get better - anyone any experience on this?


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## Delish

Big hugs Nikki. I swear people go around getting pregnant to spite us sometimes! I thought I'd find it easier after getting my BFP and I sort of do but I still feel rage and jealousy towards them for their innocence, for the way they can sail through pregnancy without the fear I'll always have.
I haven't had counselling and wouldn't want it tbh as I'm firmly in the denial camp right now, I'm sure it's not the best approach but I think whatever helps you keep on going and that's working for me for the moment.
BUT, I think it's a good idea if you're struggling and you feel you need help. Definitely check it out, one thing I will say is that finding the right counsellor will be the most important thing.

PS. I hope no one's bothered by me still posting in here. I know this is the TTC forum but the thread does say trying or success stories... I won't be at all offended if anyone wants me to go elsewhere now x


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## v2007

This is long so bare with me. 

My daughter Taylor was stillborn at 40 weeks on the 16th July 2007.

https://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd204/molliesmum/scan0005-1-1.gif

It took me and my ex years to concieve her and i was desperate after i had her to have another baby.

I had a high BMI so i needed to lose some weight to concieve. 

Anyway 7 weeks after she died, i was sectioned :(

I was so ill, i couldn't cope, i took an overdose and came very close to the edge.

I realised i had to keep going for my other daughter. 

https://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd204/molliesmum/katie006-1.jpg

My :af: was all over the place and by May 2008 i had the witch 3 times :(

On the 1st May (CD1) i started taking Agnus Castus, Dong Quai and had lost 18lb at Fat club.

No :af: in June but on the 7/7/08 i had a regular 35 cycle and on 12/08 i got my :bfp:

It was a hard pregnancy, high BMI, developed Gestational Diabetes, low fluid. 

Anyway at 37+4 on the 7th April 2009 at 09:21 my Rainbow baby made her entrance into the world screaming, awake and pink. 

https://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd204/molliesmum/Katie035.jpg

She is now a healthy 2 year old, chatty, in Nursery and the love of my life and my reason to keep going. 

https://i224.photobucket.com/albums/dd204/molliesmum/DSCF6223.jpg

I wish EVERY one of you fabulous ladies a rainbow baby or babies. 

You deserve them and billions of floaty kisses to your :angel:

:kiss:

If anyone is offended or upset by my story, please feel free to tell me and i will edit it. 

V xxx


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## Nikki_d72

Hey Delish, I don't want you to go anywhere! You're a great inspiration and it does say trying *or *success stories, I for one want someone to cheer on!

V, thank you for sharing your lovely girls with us, I'm so sorry for the loss of lovely Taylor. Well done on keeping going, I'm so sorry to hear you came so close to the edge though. It's good to hear a story that gives the rest of us courage to try again, thank you xxx


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## ladydray

Delish i too would love you to stay, its so nice to hear of success stories because after losing keilan i feel like im never going to get that rainbow baby. 
V im so sorry for the loss of beautiful taylor you have a gorgeous family. 
xxxxxx


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## Delish

Just checking in to see how all you girls are?

Becktoria haven't heard from you in a bit I hope you're ok? I'm having a rough few days but hopefully will pull out of it soon.

x


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## Nikki_d72

Hiya, I'm fine. 

Had a work night out last night and figured out it was the first night out by myself since I arrived back in NZ, which will be two years in march, think that was long overdue. It was good to have a bit of a blow-out and I didn't get all drunk and teary so I was quite proud of myself. Did get a bit drunk though, hehe, didn't take much, I'm a cheap date now. Managed to sneak in a quick hungover morning :sex: before the DD woke up and I reckon I should be round about OV time, so here's hoping. I'm not getting very strong signs this month though so I doubt it, I'm not using OPK's or BBT, just body signs, in an effort to try not get too obsessed, yeah right!

I hope you pull yourself out of your bad place soon, Delish. I had a bad week last week, it seems to swing about like that a bit, doesn't it? You'll have extra stuff to deal with being pregnant now, I hope you can keep yourself calm-ish. How are you feeling physically?

How is everyone else? I hope you are all OK, tell us how your journeys are going...


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## kadee80

Hi I had a stillborn son back in June this year at 39weels 5days and am ttc now. This month is our first month of seriously ttc. I am on cd4. My cycles have been 26 days since I lost my son. I can't offer you any hope as yet but can offer support as i am going throught the same thing. I hope we get our BFP's soon.:hugs::


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## ladydray

oh Kaydee :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::cry:
so sorry for your loss!
I am so far doing well but its been 19months for me...... im having a positive month this month and hopin with the help of CBFM this will be our month! 
Delish this sounds ridiculous cos i know how crappy you feel at mo but i promise it will start to ease soon. i remember place i was in this time last year and was so down i made myself ill! 
hoping the rain clouds start to clear soon sending you so many :hugs:
:dust: & FXd for all xxxxxx


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## Nikki_d72

Kadee, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you get your rainbow soon. 

I hope this is a good month for all of us, well as good as can be. xx


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## Delish

Big hugs to you kadee80.

I'm a bit better today thanks Nikki, it's been a tough few days with my little girl being injured/sick, visiting my son's grave for the first time, and morning sickness kicking in. I just feel a bit overwhelmed right now tbh but I know I just have to keep on trudging on.

ETA: I have everything crossed this is your month Nikki! And everyone else trying this month!

Massive love to everyone on this thread. xx


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## Nikki_d72

Oh Delish, that sounds like a big week, take it easy on yourself honey. I hope your wee girl is doing better xx


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## Becktoria

Sorry ladies not been in touch I've been so poorly. Been back in hospital ( is this ever guna end :() had period pain or what I thought was period pains 10 wks after d&c so was relieved but pains got worse over the day and by the nxt morning they were horrific and cudnt walk. Admitted to hospital and put on morphine for pain relief. Had scan had two massive clots and possibly still after d&c retained placenta!! Will b rescanned on 24 th and go from there if still there. Only good thing that's come out of it I've had my period. Just feel I'm never guna get my rainbow as keep having so many setbacks . V2007 you give me so much inspiration your children are beautiful, I cried when I read your story , you give me hope. Delish I've missed you, hope u are ok. When is your dating scan. You keep your chin up. You give me such hope too, keep us updated. All the sickness will be so worth it when you get your ray of sunshine. I never suffered with it with either of my girls. My family have touched me to I don't know what I would do without them,they bought be a neclace that has my angels footprint on, my elder sister askede for daughters footprints they did at hospital and she had this beautiful neclace made with her name scripted at the back, now she will always be close to my heart when I wear it :) xxxxxx


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## Becktoria

Kadee80 so sorry for your loss. These ladies are brilliant to talk to. We all know what you are going thru. Big hugs xxx


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## Nikki_d72

Becktoria, I'm so sorry you are going through all these setbacks, here's hoping this is the end of it for you now. 

That was so lovely of your sister, really thoughtful. 

How is everyone? I'm off to bed, it's 11:45 here, I'll log in in the morning to see how you're all doing...


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## Delish

Becktoria said:


> Sorry ladies not been in touch I've been so poorly. Been back in hospital ( is this ever guna end :() had period pain or what I thought was period pains 10 wks after d&c so was relieved but pains got worse over the day and by the nxt morning they were horrific and cudnt walk. Admitted to hospital and put on morphine for pain relief. Had scan had two massive clots and possibly still after d&c retained placenta!! Will b rescanned on 24 th and go from there if still there. Only good thing that's come out of it I've had my period. Just feel I'm never guna get my rainbow as keep having so many setbacks . V2007 you give me so much inspiration your children are beautiful, I cried when I read your story , you give me hope. Delish I've missed you, hope u are ok. When is your dating scan. You keep your chin up. You give me such hope too, keep us updated. All the sickness will be so worth it when you get your ray of sunshine. I never suffered with it with either of my girls. My family have touched me to I don't know what I would do without them,they bought be a neclace that has my angels footprint on, my elder sister askede for daughters footprints they did at hospital and she had this beautiful neclace made with her name scripted at the back, now she will always be close to my heart when I wear it :) xxxxxx

Oh hon I'm glad to hear from you but so sorry you've been going through all that, as if you haven't been through enough already. Crossing everything that you're finally all-clear now. Glad you finally got your period though, at least you can chart when you're ready now so you'll have some idea of what you're doing when you start to try.
What a wonderful thing your family did for you, some friends on another (small) forum did a collection for me and got me some lovely keepsakes and it was so amazing. People can be so kind.
My scan is November 28th. I thought I'd look forward to it but tbh I really dread it, I'd like to stick my head in the sand and not peek out for 9 months! I'll see my (hopefully new) consultant for the first time straight after.

kadee80 I hope you stick around, these girls are all amazing.

xxx


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## Krippy

Hi...I am new here as well. I lost my son, Richard James, almost 4 1/2 weeks ago I wanted him so bad and miss him terribly. I chose to spend as much time as I could with him and my husband and I were able to spend 2 days with him before we had him sent for an autopsy. I was 39 1/2 weeks pregnant and went into labour naturally and delivered naturally. My loss was attributed to my son having a short umbilical cord and when he engaged to begin early labour he passed away. This was my first child and the loss has been horrific. My husband and I have been given the go ahead from my Dr. to try again and it is all I can think about. I know that nothing will replace my first son but I can't bear waiting. Thank you for posting all of your stories as it as helped me immensely to read them.


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## Nikki_d72

Oh Crippy, I'm so sorry for your loss, to lose one so close to meeting them is just unimaginable to me. I can't imagine your pain, I'm so sorry.

I hope you can find some peace one day though I know that will be a long way off, in the meantime don't hesitate to get in touch to vent or express whatever feelings you have. I hope we can all help you work through this awful time xxx


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## Becktoria

Krippy I'm so sorry you have had to join us, but like nikki said you can express your thoughts to us all here and we are all here for you. Like you I lost my baby very close to the end. It's the most horrific thing to go through to lose a child. We are all behind you trying again, I think we all have the need to hold a healthy crying baby in our arms, sprinkle lots of baby dust your way. I can't ttc until December, I'm so read to try now though and just hope it happens quick. We all know exactly what you are going through, I wud be lost without these ladies. Sending you a massive hug, always her for u xxx


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## Becktoria

How u doing delish? X


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## Delish

Hi and welcome to you Krippy, I'm so sorry for your loss hon but glad you've found us here. These girls are amazing. Big hugs to you, I know how raw your pain is and I know too well that desperate need to have another baby. Here for you every step of the way. xx

Hey Becktoria, I'm ok, suffering very nasty morning sickness and just had the flu (I think? Lasted one day and was after the flu jab! But was horrible, I'm sure it was flu...).
Started back at work last week, was fine, people are 'looking' as expected but my team have been great and just chit chatting crap as usual which is just what I needed tbh! Finding it hard to keep the secret though, my manager knows but that's it. How are you doing hon? Counting down to trying? xx


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## Becktoria

Hope u r feeling better delish bet u can't wait to have your scan. Well my first period arrived, so happy never thought I wud say that bout a period!! But it's give me hope everything working normal. Can't wait to ttc in December :) just hope I get pregnant straight away, took me couple of months with my little angel. Also I'm going back to work in Jan, I'm really scared. I'm frontline staff and hav to deal wiv public all day long,really worried that if I get an aggressive customer i will be in tears. Usually before all this happened I would let it go over my head but I seem to be very teary at the slightest thing. How did u find going back? I work 4 full days a week too but really I wud like to reduce my hours to 3 days but I know they won't even consider it. Feel quite panicky in going back is this normal? Hope everyones doing ok. Xx


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## Delish

Hiya Becktoria, I'm afraid to say I dread my scan! Not looking forward to it at all, convinced myself it will be bad news.
Glad you finally got your period though, funny how you suddenly find it so exciting! Just in time as you can get a good idea this month of tracking your cycle, then you're all systems go for December. :)
I hope going back to work will be ok for you, what is your manager like? I found the worry about going back was the worst bit actually, I am quite enjoying being back. I do get teary sometimes though and spend half my day in the loo either constant weeing or being sick! It's only 2 days a week though. Could they ease you back in by doing 2 or 3 then working up to 4 days? They must be a bit sympathetic!

Hope everyone else is ok? Thinking of you all. x


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## BMR3

Hi all-
I just wanted to introduce myself, I've been lurking for about a week and realized how much it has helped me, I have also joined second tri loss but nothing for Stillbirth. Well here goes, I am currently 27yo and my DH is 28yo been married for 6 years, I married my high school sweetheart so we actually have been together for a total of 13 years. In 2003 I found out that I was pg, my DH and I were so excited and were surprised because we weren't even trying. Had a great pregnancy, never sick, nothing to complain about. My dd was feb. 19 but on the morning of the 9th I started having contractions. My DH took me the hospitol, they hooked me up to all monitors and thats when i got the heart breaking news. NO HEART BEAT. I gave birth at 38 weeks to my beatifully perfect sleeping son. We were devastated and heart broken. My DH and I decided to not ttc until we were both ready. It took 4 years before we decided to ttc again. We had no problems and gave birth to my son born screaming on 8-25-08. So happliy enjoying raising our son we decided to ttc one more time. Got BFP right away. On Sept 9 2011 my DH and I went in for are ultrasound at 19 weeks, to hear the bad news that there was no heart beat. I could not believe that this could happen again. Thought that after my son born still in 2004 that my bad luck had changed. I was sent home for the weekend and was to return the following Monday for a D&C. We found out that it was a girl and there was no known problems all test came back good, no answers. My Dh and I have decided to ttc after we get back from vacation (Nov 26 - Dec 3). 
Sorry I went on so long. Hoping to get to know all of you ladies and joining with a BFP in Dec.

BMR3


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## weeyaosi

so seeing a doc on the 16th for follicle check and hoping and praying for a healthy and happy pregnancy. baby dust to all.


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## Delish

Hello to you BMR3, welcome to our thread. I am so, so sorry for your losses, unimaginable to go through it twice. Proof as if any of us needed it that life is so bloody unfair sometimes.
I hope you stick around and chat with us, there's always support here when you need it.

weeyaosi I'm not sure what your story is but I see your profile is now inactive? confused.com but someone feel free to fill me in!

I had a lousy day today, someone at work who didn't know what happened emailed welcoming me back asking for baby pics. I had a total meltdown crying and shaking. So embarrassed, thought I had better control of myself than that. :(


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## Nikki_d72

Oh Delish, so sorry to hear that happened to you. Don't be embarrased, you're human. 

xxx


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