# Feel like a dirty secret



## Justhere

i cant give too many details.... but i feel like a child that how my IP's treat me anyway..my IM has to be in control of every little thing i cant even pick my own attorney she wants me to stay at her home for 2 days so she can make sure im resting after the transfer i have to away from my little one and thats gonna hard they want to keep the surrogacy a secret which is news to me i know they didnt want me saying their names online or whatever but they dont want me to discuss anything that goes on during our journey with anyone.... i was told today they dont want the child to ever know which thats their right but they way she told made me feel a little ashamed of myself she said she wanted to maintain a friendship but i think once i pop the kid out i'll never see or hear from them again.. again thats their right but THIS is not how i envisioned my surrogacy journey going :( i feel a little beneath them idk why, i know very little about them and they know almost everything about me it a little unfair and im seriously wanting to back out haven't signed contracts yet but they already spent loads of money on test and screenings....


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## Loski83

Why don't you tell them the way they are treating you is distressing you and that it isn't good for the baby so you need to work out arrangements that are good for all parties x


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## hopeandpray

If they knew that you were considering backing out I'm sure that they would do everything that they could to make the situation better for you. You need to tell them how you feel. I you don't feel like you can say it then write a little. Pregnancy is stressful enough without this on top of it :hugs:


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## naitken

Look at it from their point of view... Would you want to have another 'parent' involved in your child's life. This is just me, but as a surrogate, that implies carrying the baby and not much else. It's a lovely thing to do for someone...

If it were me in their shoes, I would want the same thing. I wouldn't want my child to have that 'added confusion' in their life. I would most definitely tell them when they were older and allow them to meet you if they liked (and you consented), but it would go no further than that.


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## TattiesMum

naitken said:


> Look at it from their point of view... Would you want to have another 'parent' involved in your child's life. This is just me, but as a surrogate, that implies carrying the baby and not much else. It's a lovely thing to do for someone...
> 
> If it were me in their shoes, I would want the same thing. I wouldn't want my child to have that 'added confusion' in their life. I would most definitely tell them when they were older and allow them to meet you if they liked (and you consented), but it would go no further than that.

I don't know that this is necessarily true ... I have a friend who has been a surrogate three times - all for people she met through her church - and she has stayed close friends with all of them :shrug:

As you say it's a lovely - no, *wonderful *- thing to do for someone and, for me, that should be recognised by more than just a financial contract for the duration of the pregnancy and then 'goodbye'. My friend isn't known to the children as a parent in any sense, but she is their Godmother and part of their extended family circle ... it seems to work really well :thumbup:

OP you really should have your own attorney Hon - it's not good that they are disregarding your feelings even though I understand their need to 'micro-manage' every detail :nope::hugs::hugs:


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## naitken

That was JMO. I completely understand that other people have other opinions. That is just how I would feel. The surrogate wouldn't be a dirty secret, but it wouldn't be something that I would expose until later in life.

I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, honestly.


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## TattiesMum

naitken said:


> That was JMO. I completely understand that other people have other opinions. That is just how I would feel. The surrogate wouldn't be a dirty secret, but it wouldn't be something that I would expose until later in life.
> 
> I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, honestly.

Opinions are good :thumbup: It proves that we aren't sheep and can think for ourselves :happydance:

I'm a bit of a stickler for telling children the truth (in an age appropriate way of course) from the off to be honest ... I always feel that finding stuff out like that when older is really damaging - not only because of losing a sense of 'roots' but because of realising that the people you should most be able to trust (your parents) have been effectively lying to you all your life. 

That's just me though and I completely appreciate that it's not everyone's way of doing things :)


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## Eleanor ace

OP, are you already pregnant?
Of course there are two sides to the surrogacy journey. The IP's are pursuing their dream of having a child and they are bound to want it to pan out as they want. But you are a person with your own hopes and opinions for how the surrogacy should pan out- it is your journey too. 
There should be a way to make all of you happy though, but the only way that will happen is through open communication. The IP's may not have given thought to how important the surrogacy is to you and how they are making you feel like a "dirty secret". I'm sure that they want you to be happy, and hopefully you all can be. But if not then you DON'T have to go through with it (I'm assuming from what you wrote that you're not yet pregnant, apologies if I'm wrong) if you aren't happy. :hugs:


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