# Calling all foster parents



## Hayley90

Could you break down how long it took for you to apply/ any issues you had/ how you find the system/ any other info?

Me and OH have been researching this for a while now, and i want to hear from other foster parents who are already in 'the system' - how is your support? that sort of thing. 

much appreciated ladies xxx


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## sophxx

im not inthe system yet but will be as soon as i turn 25 we will apply. just wanted to say good luck at the moment here its taking as little as 6 months for some parents to get through but they seem to be mixed raced couples as theres a big need for them


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## Rhi_Rhi1

sorry can't help atm, me and oh are going to start the process in the new year :) mostly i am worried about them not liking us based on age .. i am 23 oh is 24 will be 25 by time we are done :) i know we are technically old anough but i cannot find anyone who has fostered at this age ! everyone seems to be "older" at least 35 plus x


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## Hayley90

Haha, if you're worried - im 21!! 

It is within the limits here though, if they need people so badly they wouldnt turn a perfectly good couple away surely :shrug: Otherwise what is the point in the rules!
x


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## Rhi_Rhi1

oh haha thats ace :) :thumbup: and no you are right :) i just get nervous about my age because people mistake me for being so much younger! always makes me feel akward ! haha x 

when are you looking to start the ball rolling :) ? we are being held up by our house! we rent and it has a few HUGE issues needing fixed before we would even let a social worker inside lmao... the porch has just started to subside! unfortunately we rent the house from my mum and she is in no hurry:haha:


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## Hayley90

:rofl:

Well we want to move into a house in the next year or so, and then get a bigger car. After that, once liam has passed his fireman probation (praying he gets on a training course asap when he is home!) then we can start :D that way his job will be secure, and we will have enough ££ coming in :D 

Harrison will be bigger by then, and we will be married... we will be a lot more stable i think :) x


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## Rhi_Rhi1

Sounds like a busy year! :)


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## Hayley90

Naaa it wont all be in one year, christ, id die :rofl:

liam gets home next april. 
join firebrigade, start training. 
me learn to drive.

then 2013, 
bigger car
move house
wedding

2014... 
foster :D

well, thats the plan :rofl: so i would be 23/24 shock:) by then! x


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## Rhi_Rhi1

ohh. Well if everything goes ahead with us next year, i will try and remember to keep u informed, its the nitty gritty stuff i can't find the answers too lol! like i hear the interviews can get very personal! but i want to know what they ask etc.. just silly things like that :) so if i know before you i will let you know. x


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## readyORnot

I applied to be a foster carer in August 2009 and was approved in January 2010.

The assessment is intrusive and at times unpleasant but it's what one has to do so I guess the thing is just to be prepared to have every inch of your life picked over.

Before I applied I didn't do enough research into different agencies and simply applied to the same agency my friend (a long-term foster carer) is with. This was a huge mistake. Some agencies are appalling and offer no supprt at all - but I'll get into that in a second. Believe me, the best way to find out about the agencies is to look at their ofsted reports and select one which has had several years of "outstanding". And even then, you can't guarantee it won't be a nightmare.

By the way I'm not trying to put you off - fostering is one of the best things I ever did - but I wish somebody had been able to tell me what the real deal is like beforehand so I would have been better prepared for how stressful it would be.

Once I was approved I got children almost immediately, but I know people who have waited up to two years for a placement, and others who get on the wrong side of their agency or the local authority and somehow find themselves without a placement (despite daily adverts in the press begging people to become foster carers).
The first children I had were absolutely delightful. One of them had anger issues but he wasn't violent or anything, just that he was 10 and had major tantrums like a toddler.
My link worker (the social worker from the agency who is supposed to supervise me, support me, advise me and advocate on my behalf) was beyond useless. The children were only with me for two weeks but during that time they were shunted from one social worker to another and in that 2 weeks I dealt with a total of 5 different social workers acting for the children. The social workers failed to communicate with me properly - not telling me when I was supposed to be somewhere with the children, not telling me when pre-arranged appointments and parental contact was changed, leaving me to do things which should never have been my responsibility in the first place (when you're new you just do as you're told because you don't know any better, and this is where the link worker's supposed to come in).

Anyway, my second placement was two children under 5 and they were from a very difficult background. They were from a larger family so the rest of their siblings were spread out amongst 3 other carers.
One of them was extremely aggresive, violent and destructive (I have the scars to prove it!) as well as engaging in dangerous behaviour - and you're not allowed to restrain or touch them even if they're assaulting you. Me, the school, the GP, and the local authority paediatrician, as well as the case review officer all thought he should go for a mental health assessment so he could access things like therapy/counselling or whatever, but the mental health services would only accept a referral from the social worker (if he was my own child it would have been acceptable from a GP). The social worker, who was unhelpful, obstructive, and downright unhelpful for the whole placement refused to do the referral and whilst he made great strides in sme areas, his violence and aggression actually got worse as he got older. In the end I had him for almost a year before I handed him back because everything in my house was getting trashed and smashed on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that I was getting physically attacked daily by the child.
The sad thing is, I really cared about this kid and I was the first bit of stability he'd had his whole life but without professional help there was nothing more I could do for him other than be his punching bag. I took a week off and went away and the respite carer refused to take them again. They also caused her to crash her car and the same happened to me.

He and his brother also had other problems and did not get the help they should have been entitled to with regards to that. I really fought for them but sadly everything has to be signed off by their social worker and if she/he refuses to sign anything, there's nothing you can do. And you don't want to make a complaint too lightly because if you fall out with the local authority or your agency you may not get another placement again.

Anyway, his brother was with me for about 15 months until the placement finally ended but that year and a half that I fostered was the best and worst year and a half of my life. It was so stressful not being able to help these children and fighting and fighting and fighting just to get their basic rights (and still getting nowhere), but I know I made a difference to their lives, so it was totally worth it and I will foster again eventually.

I feel as though social services just writes off these kids and assumes they'll go straight from the social care system to the prisons system at 16, which really makes me mad, especially when I'm dealing with under 5s!


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## Rhi_Rhi1

thanks :) nice long post :) 

Also when people say intrusive what exactly do they mean ? ... i hear this alot but have yet to find an example, i know everyone has different tolerance levels, just want to be prepared if they are going to make me cry ! hahaha x


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## readyORnot

LOOL

well when I say intrusive, I mean they're going to delve into EVERY aspect of your life. I can't remember all because honestly I tried to erase a lot of that assesment experience from my memory as it was quite stressful!
But they asked me personal questions about money, relationships, and even things that you might see as innocent can be flipped around to where you wish you'd told a little white lie - like stupid me, I admitted that I was occasionally smacked as a child but my mother was down to be one of my backup carers so when they interviewed her they made her feel like a child abuser and even though she's been a qualified nurse/midwife for 35 years and working as a Health Visitor for 25 years (i.e. works with new mothers and under 5s) they basically said she needed to go on a course to learn how to doscipline a child without using violence. I was absolutely mortified, and she was not happy at all.

They 'searched' every room in my house, looking in every corner of my bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and everywhere. 

They wanted to know who my friends were, who my family were, who I talk to, where I go, who comes to my house... 

I was categorically told that it was no longer okay for anyone who was not an approved backup carer to spend the night in my home as long as I had a placement! So my brothers, my cousins, my friends - and certainly not a lover! One carer was in floods of tears because her 94 year old great-gran wasn't allowed to sleep over after travelling all the way down from the midlands (to South London).

Feel free to message me if you have any specific questions, or I'm more than happ[y to post in here as others may benefit too!

Have you gotten any further with your inquiries?


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## Hayley90

Ahh wow, brilliant information!!! thankyou!

Yeah i was interested in the interview process too, although i have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Would they mind that OH is in the army? Would that class him as violent? :(


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## readyORnot

Hayley90 said:


> Ahh wow, brilliant information!!! thankyou!
> 
> Yeah i was interested in the interview process too, although i have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Would they mind that OH is in the army? Would that class him as violent? :(

No, OH being in the army would not be a problem, although obviously both of you would need a full assessment.

I have nothing to hide either but it still can feel more intrusive than you might imagine. In fact, in some ways, it probably feels worse if you have nothing to hide! The assessment overall can take 5-9 months from start to finish before you go to panel for approval. It can take a little less if you make yourself very available. I've actually been through the assessment process twice because I eventually changed agencies.

They will do a CRB check and can ask for things like your full address history from birth to present day; employment history including any part-time or evening work you've ever done; significant Changes in individual or family circumstances (eg separation/divorce of parents, death of family members, start of a new relationship, major health events); I was also given some entirely unreasonable "homework" to do (when my first agency assessed me) which I later learnt they should never have asked me to do.
You may be asked to write a mini-biography (mine was 5 pages, size 11 font).


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