# I hate my luck



## faolan5109

As some of you may know, I was married to someone who was not my sons real dad. He became very abusive and did drugs so we separated and now are in process of going through a divorce despite my efforts to try and fix things. Anyway, he threatened to take my son from me because I quote " your a c*nt that's why":nope:. I had finally had it at that point and took actions to make sure that could not happen ( back story, when my son was born he took it upon himself to sign his birth certificate, I did not make him he wanted to. I told him it would jinx things, and look who was right). 
All of that was back in august and now finally after months the court case in closed and he is no longer on the birth certificate. But just when I think I can breath a sigh of relief my son's real father decided that to contact me about seeing lane.:growlmad::growlmad:
Now at first I told him to find a nice lake and jump in it	:finger:, but now he is threatening me with court and says he wants partial custody of hi if I wont let him start seeing him by himself twice a week and overnights come January. :gun::grr: 
I am ready to have a nervous break down. If court with my ex was not bad enough now I have to deal with this jack off. Who does he think he is. 18 months of no contact no support and saying he is not mine and now this?? 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry just needed to vent girls, I am just at such a loss right now.


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## QuintinsMommy

:hugs: why don't you want him to see his real father?


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## faolan5109

Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane


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## smatheson

:hugs:


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## Croc-O-Dile

Oh god, hon. :hugs: 
Could you maybe compromise with him and do public or supervised meetings? Does he happen to be dating someone new atm? Because it might just be the influence of his new chick making him try to be a man.

On a side note, Dan finally deleted me off facebook. I got a proper goodbye message and everything. I was like, wtf? Okay. :haha:


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## Rhio92

:hugs: xxx


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## QuintinsMommy

honestly maybe it should be up for the court to decide...if hes on drug I think you can request a drug test..or explain to them why you want supervised only visits


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## faolan5109

Croc-O-Dile said:


> Oh god, hon. :hugs:
> Could you maybe compromise with him and do public or supervised meetings? Does he happen to be dating someone new atm? Because it might just be the influence of his new chick making him try to be a man.
> 
> On a side note, Dan finally deleted me off facebook. I got a proper goodbye message and everything. I was like, wtf? Okay. :haha:

Nope same girl sadly, I told him if I am there then fine. But we will see. 

And what?? What did he say, crap about it being to hard for him? LOL


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## faolan5109

QuintinsMommy said:


> honestly maybe it should be up for the court to decide...if hes on drug I think you can request a drug test..or explain to them why you want supervised only visits

I know but I really dont want him around my son without me there. And then expose my son to two stranger rather then one.


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## AriannasMama

:hugs: If thats how he truly is I don't see how the courts could even give him anything but supervised visitation rights. 

Sorry you have to go through all this.


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## Strawberrymum

sorry you have to go through this :hugs: 

i would either stay out of the courts and do supervised visits in public or go to court and ask for supervised visits at a contact centre with drug tests 

guess i dont know what i would do unless it was happening. hope it works out


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## x__amour

I hope things get figured out. :hugs:


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## aidensxmomma

:hugs:
Sorry you have to go through all this hun. I really hope it get figured out soon for you so you don't have to stress about it. :hugs:

I think even if he did go through the courts it would be hard for him to get unsupervised visitation because he spent so much time denying your son and not doing anything to try to see him/support him, iykwim? Or at least he would have to do supervised visitation for a while first. Tbh, I'm not sure how it all works because I've never had to go through it all. :shrug: Sorry. :flow:


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## Croc-O-Dile

faolan5109 said:


> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> Oh god, hon. :hugs:
> Could you maybe compromise with him and do public or supervised meetings? Does he happen to be dating someone new atm? Because it might just be the influence of his new chick making him try to be a man.
> 
> On a side note, Dan finally deleted me off facebook. I got a proper goodbye message and everything. I was like, wtf? Okay. :haha:
> 
> Nope same girl sadly, I told him if I am there then fine. But we will see.
> 
> And what?? What did he say, crap about it being to hard for him? LOLClick to expand...

Yeah, pretty much. He was all, "It's nothing personal, but with everything going on with Kel I just don't want you to have to deal with me." :dohh:
Seeing as I forgot I even had him on facebook, he must have been pretty easy for me to deal with.


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## amygwen

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it sounds so stressful. In the end though, everything will work out, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep that thought in your mind through this stressful time. I don't have much advice for you, I have no clue what it's like to go through this, but I can't imagine the courts wanting your FOB to have anything to do with Lane when he hasn't been around his entire life anyways.


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## annawrigley

faolan5109 said:


> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane

So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:


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## Croc-O-Dile

annawrigley said:


> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...

He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.

K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?


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## QuintinsMommy

annawrigley said:


> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...

its not illegal. My dad signed my brothers birth certificate and hes not the real father and he knew that.. hes a shit father and a even worse fake father so I don't know what my mom was thinking :dohh:


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## annawrigley

I'm pretty sure its illegal here :shrug: Either way, its wrong


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## sarah0108

I agree with Anna tbh! 

Okay he may have been a dick, but im not gonna lie we've all had shit from FOB in some shape or form.

I think its only fair Lane gets some kind of father figure in his life :shrug: and i really dont agree with having someone who isn't my kids dad on the birth certificate in the first place?


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## wishuwerehere

I completely agree with anna, especially as far as his bc is concerned - that just seems so unbelievably wrong. You may have had your reasons at the time but I can't see how that benefits anyone, I'm very glad his name has been removed.
I suggest you go for supervised access - that way if he does pose a threat to your son you can intervene and remove him from the situation. How do you know he'll be a shit dad if you don't give him a chance? Lane might be what he needs to sort himself out.


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## AnnabelsMummy

we all make mistakes especially when put under pressure? - the BC thing was silly.. but you've got it removed.. so it's sorted. 

and as for FOB.. we don't 100% know the ins and outs.. we only know what you've told us.. 
i can't see many courts favouring someone who's had no interest for this amount of time.. and his history? and why? .. although its hard work.. maybe let it go to court, he hasn't got alot to go by really has he?

and as for lane seeing FOB.. i think you can judge whether it's right or wrong, we don't know how bad FOB is.. if you feel it's a risk - it doesn't matter what anyone says - your duty is to protect your child..
if you just feel the man is an idiot, and bit of a plonker - then maybe he should be given a chance...

do you not have centers where he can see the child for an hour.. supervised a week.. you can go to and it's kept on record, and if he lets the child down once, you can stop him seeing him then, because he's blown his chance?

and personally.. i wouldn't let my child stay over at someones until i felt comfortable with it either.. the most important thing being a mother is doing the best thing for your baby - and NOT putting them at risk..
it's a difficult one, because sometimes we think it's best for children to see thier dads and its the wrong decision (more often then people give credit for), and sometimes dads arent given a chance when they should be.. 
x


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## faolan5109

Croc-O-Dile said:


> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...
> 
> He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
> She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.
> 
> K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?Click to expand...

I know he can't join the military because of his health and mental health ( he tried to kill himself three years back with antifreeze) I agree with you there is something up, and I did make attempts for him to see Lane until now and every time he told me that lane was not his and to fuck off. So after 5 or 6 times of that I was like Well fuck that. 
I know he is at school now, but I don't think that has to do with anything with Lane. I am dreading if this goes to court because I know he would see him without me there and I don't want to expose Lane to that. The poor kid has gone through enough with men I don't need anything else to confuse him.


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## annawrigley

faolan5109 said:


> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...
> 
> He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
> She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.
> 
> K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?Click to expand...
> 
> I know he can't join the military because of his health and mental health ( he tried to kill himself three years back with antifreeze) I agree with you there is something up, and I did make attempts for him to see Lane until now and every time he told me that lane was not his and to fuck off. So after 5 or 6 times of that I was like Well fuck that.
> I know he is at school now, but I don't think that has to do with anything with Lane. I am dreading if this goes to court because I know he would see him without me there and I don't want to expose Lane to that. *The poor kid has gone through enough with men I don't need anything else to confuse him.*Click to expand...

Its not his fault you put somebody else's name on his BC then jumped into another relationship straight after that one went to shit


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## sarah0108

How is seeing his real father going to confuse him?

Let them build a relationship slowly..


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## faolan5109

annawrigley said:


> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...
> 
> He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
> She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.
> 
> K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?Click to expand...
> 
> I know he can't join the military because of his health and mental health ( he tried to kill himself three years back with antifreeze) I agree with you there is something up, and I did make attempts for him to see Lane until now and every time he told me that lane was not his and to fuck off. So after 5 or 6 times of that I was like Well fuck that.
> I know he is at school now, but I don't think that has to do with anything with Lane. I am dreading if this goes to court because I know he would see him without me there and I don't want to expose Lane to that. *The poor kid has gone through enough with men I don't need anything else to confuse him.*Click to expand...
> 
> Its not his fault you put somebody else's name on his BC then jumped into another relationship straight after that one went to shitClick to expand...

He did not want to be a father until last week. did not want to sign said BC at all, I asked him when I was pregnant. Im sorry but the abusive asshole does not deserve to be a father. Just because you shot the sperm does not mean you should be a dad. he has no right to just come around when he feels he is able to now. He should have grown up long damn time ago.


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## AirForceWife7

I really hope you don't have to go to court :hugs:


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## Hotbump

I think you should give him a chance, everyone deserves one. I know its not the same thing but my OH once hit me and I kicked him out. He asked for forgiveness and that he was going to change but I didnt feel like I could believe him because he had been verbally abusive for a year of our relationship. In the end I gave him a chance and about 8 months on he is different person. All I'm saying is to give him a chance, you cant think for him so you cant know if he really has changed if you dont give him a chance at all. Then what? Lane is going to miss out on knowing his dad and he is going to miss out on knowing Lane. You can have supervised visits, if I was you I would give him a chance.


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## sarah0108

i agree Cindy


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## x__amour

My OH didn't know his father for 18 years, it destroyed him every day. Now he knows him and knows who is he and he's fine. They don't talk much but he knows who he is now.


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## annawrigley

It is shitty of him that he's shown no interest until now, but it's not too late


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## Croc-O-Dile

This isn't about whether or not he's just an asshole. He hit her. If a man has the balls to hit his woman he has the balls to hit his kid. It's not about her going through a bad break-up with him, it's about domestic fucking violence. It's about protecting your child, and sometimes you have to protect them from the people you'd least expect, like their father.

The BC thing is not important now. It's done and over with. None of you know Kelly, nor do you know the circumstances of her relationship. Her ex was a great father to Lane until he went bat shit crazy. Nobody saw that coming. Her new boyfriend isn't just some random guy off the street, either. She knows her FOB better than any of us, she knows if it's being truthful, which he's not. This thread was not a "Hey everybody, tell me what I've done wrong regarding the men in my life!" She just wanted someone to tell her it would be okay, support her, and give her constructive advice. Bringing up the BC is not constructive advice. It's a moot opinion which has no importance regarding the reason for this thread.


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## brandonsgirl

AnnabelsMummy said:


> we all make mistakes especially when put under pressure? - the BC thing was silly.. but you've got it removed.. so it's sorted.
> 
> and as for FOB.. we don't 100% know the ins and outs.. we only know what you've told us..
> i can't see many courts favouring someone who's had no interest for this amount of time.. and his history? and why? .. although its hard work.. maybe let it go to court, he hasn't got alot to go by really has he?
> 
> and as for lane seeing FOB.. i think you can judge whether it's right or wrong, we don't know how bad FOB is.. if you feel it's a risk - it doesn't matter what anyone says - your duty is to protect your child..
> if you just feel the man is an idiot, and bit of a plonker - then maybe he should be given a chance...
> 
> do you not have centers where he can see the child for an hour.. supervised a week.. you can go to and it's kept on record, and if he lets the child down once, you can stop him seeing him then, because he's blown his chance?
> 
> and personally.. i wouldn't let my child stay over at someones until i felt comfortable with it either.. the most important thing being a mother is doing the best thing for your baby - and NOT putting them at risk..
> it's a difficult one, because sometimes we think it's best for children to see thier dads and its the wrong decision (more often then people give credit for), and sometimes dads arent given a chance when they should be..
> x

I agree with this... we cant really judge someone we dont know and only know half of a story from someone who is involved in said story. 



faolan5109 said:


> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around lane
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...
> 
> He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
> She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.
> 
> K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?Click to expand...
> 
> I know he can't join the military because of his health and mental health ( he tried to kill himself three years back with antifreeze) I agree with you there is something up, and I did make attempts for him to see Lane until now and every time he told me that lane was not his and to fuck off. So after 5 or 6 times of that I was like Well fuck that.
> I know he is at school now, but I don't think that has to do with anything with Lane. *I am dreading if this goes to court because I know he would see him without me there and I don't want to expose Lane to that. The poor kid has gone through enough with men I don't need anything else to confuse him*.Click to expand...


This part got me confused. You have mentioned over that he hadnt shown any positive interested in Lane since before he was born and was abusive to you during your relationship. *Now im not in the legal area nor am i involved in any understanding of courts and legal advice.* But i am pretty sure that most courts wont just hand over a child to the biological dad and say 'Alright then, your back on the scene now, you say you have changed...heres your kid'

There will be steps put in place and things that will need to be checked and ticked off a list before he would ever be able to have a day or spend some time with Lane ALONE without you. He is a stranger to Lane. IF visits are allowed etc and the court orders him to be in Lanes life, the visits would be supervised and most likely at a center mentioned above where it is noted down when he turns up etc. And if he doesnt the rights would be taken away. 

Having said all that... it could be said that you didnt allow him in his life etc as you didnt declare him the childs father and therefore wouldnt allow him near the baby and he has lost precious time with his child growing up etc. There are two sides to every story and if it went to court the judge would want to hear both sides. All i would suggest is, if you have evidence of him hurting/abusing you... verbally and physically then i would gather it all up. Ask for character references for both you and him etc. 

And most of all, dont stress too much. It wont be good for Lane. Spend positive time with him right now, dont let him know that mummy is worried etc :) i know i know, easier said then done :) Chin up hunny.


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## AirForceWife7

Croc-O-Dile said:


> This isn't about whether or not he's just an asshole. He hit her. If a man has the balls to hit his woman he has the balls to hit his kid. It's not about her going through a bad break-up with him, it's about domestic fucking violence. It's about protecting your child, and sometimes you have to protect them from the people you'd least expect, like their father.
> 
> The BC thing is not important now. It's done and over with. None of you know Kelly, nor do you know the circumstances of her relationship. Her ex was a great father to Lane until he went bat shit crazy. Nobody saw that coming. Her new boyfriend isn't just some random guy off the street, either. She knows her FOB better than any of us, she knows if it's being truthful, which he's not. This thread was not a "Hey everybody, tell me what I've done wrong regarding the men in my life!" She just wanted someone to tell her it would be okay, support her, and give her constructive advice. Bringing up the BC is not constructive advice. It's a moot opinion which has no importance regarding the reason for this thread.

Bang bada boom :gun:

That's why IMO it's so hard to give advice on this thread. Because no one has actually experienced what the OP has & doesn't live her life day to day. All I can say is that I hope she gets it sorted out & that she doesn't have to go to court. If her FOB thinks he's gonna just get rights to his son handed over to him after not being in his life for well over a year, then he's got another thing coming.


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## annawrigley

Croc-O-Dile said:


> This isn't about whether or not he's just an asshole. He hit her. If a man has the balls to hit his woman he has the balls to hit his kid. It's not about her going through a bad break-up with him, it's about domestic fucking violence. It's about protecting your child, and sometimes you have to protect them from the people you'd least expect, like their father.
> 
> The BC thing is not important now. It's done and over with. None of you know Kelly, nor do you know the circumstances of her relationship. Her ex was a great father to Lane until he went bat shit crazy. Nobody saw that coming. Her new boyfriend isn't just some random guy off the street, either. She knows her FOB better than any of us, she knows if it's being truthful, which he's not. This thread was not a "Hey everybody, tell me what I've done wrong regarding the men in my life!" She just wanted someone to tell her it would be okay, support her, and give her constructive advice. Bringing up the BC is not constructive advice. It's a moot opinion which has no importance regarding the reason for this thread.

:coffee: So did FOB, he's seen Noah since he was born with me there, he has never hit him or shown any signs of wanting to and hasn't been violent to me either. Although he is still a twat in a lot of ways, he is a changed man. I never said just hand him over to FOB (because I wouldn't do that myself), but I think he should see his child. Supervised. And there is nothing wrong with that. My child is protected, he just happens to see his dad as well.


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## sarah0108

Croc-O-Dile said:


> This isn't about whether or not he's just an asshole. He hit her. If a man has the balls to hit his woman he has the balls to hit his kid. It's not about her going through a bad break-up with him, it's about domestic fucking violence. It's about protecting your child, and sometimes you have to protect them from the people you'd least expect, like their father.
> 
> The BC thing is not important now. It's done and over with. None of you know Kelly, nor do you know the circumstances of her relationship. Her ex was a great father to Lane until he went bat shit crazy. Nobody saw that coming. Her new boyfriend isn't just some random guy off the street, either. She knows her FOB better than any of us, she knows if it's being truthful, which he's not. This thread was not a "Hey everybody, tell me what I've done wrong regarding the men in my life!" She just wanted someone to tell her it would be okay, support her, and give her constructive advice. Bringing up the BC is not constructive advice. It's a moot opinion which has no importance regarding the reason for this thread.


Ally - ANY man could hit their child, no-one is saying 'Yeah go hand over your child to someone he doesn't know' all people are saying is to give him a chance. 
Damn, my mum was abused by my dad for years, she still let us see him (when he could be arsed) and he never EVER hit us, he was a nasty piece of work but never to us. We don't see him now but that was *our* choice, and i'm glad i was allowed to make that decision for myself.

Kelly would not have to leave Lane in his care without her there, so i highly doubt he'd do anything to him.

Of course no-one knows the situation inside out but all we are saying is that he at least deserves to know his real dad, if FOB fucks it up again then yeah okay, he won't see his kid, fair enough.

ALOT of girls on here have been through DV ... :coffee:



brandonsgirl said:


> AnnabelsMummy said:
> 
> 
> we all make mistakes especially when put under pressure? - the BC thing was silly.. but you've got it removed.. so it's sorted.
> 
> and as for FOB.. we don't 100% know the ins and outs.. we only know what you've told us..
> i can't see many courts favouring someone who's had no interest for this amount of time.. and his history? and why? .. although its hard work.. maybe let it go to court, he hasn't got alot to go by really has he?
> 
> and as for lane seeing FOB.. i think you can judge whether it's right or wrong, we don't know how bad FOB is.. if you feel it's a risk - it doesn't matter what anyone says - your duty is to protect your child..
> if you just feel the man is an idiot, and bit of a plonker - then maybe he should be given a chance...
> 
> do you not have centers where he can see the child for an hour.. supervised a week.. you can go to and it's kept on record, and if he lets the child down once, you can stop him seeing him then, because he's blown his chance?
> 
> and personally.. i wouldn't let my child stay over at someones until i felt comfortable with it either.. the most important thing being a mother is doing the best thing for your baby - and NOT putting them at risk..
> it's a difficult one, because sometimes we think it's best for children to see thier dads and its the wrong decision (more often then people give credit for), and sometimes dads arent given a chance when they should be..
> x
> 
> I agree with this... we cant really judge someone we dont know and only know half of a story from someone who is involved in said story.
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> faolan5109 said:
> 
> 
> Because he left me while i was still pregnant to have sex with an underage girl. He does or did ( he says he is clean but I am not sure i trust him) a lot of drugs. Told me lane was not his and hit me. He is not the type of man I want around laneClick to expand...
> 
> So did FOB and he sees Noah (with me there), sometimes being a father can change somebody. He's still a prick but he doesn't touch drugs and he's not abusive anymore and he's great with Noah. He should be given the chance at least. It was a bit stupid (and illegal?) to let your ex sign the birth certificate when you knew he wasn't the father :dohh:Click to expand...
> 
> He hasn't tried to have any contact with Lane until now. He does make a point to go out of his way to piss her off every now and then, but to the best of my knowledge he never even asks about Lane.
> She wouldn't keep him from Lane if she thought he changed. While some guys do step up, most don't. And after 18 months of denying his own son, I doubt he's suddenly going to be father of the year. Honestly, I think there's something fishy about this.
> 
> K, do you know if he's joining the military or anything that would pay him more for having a child?Click to expand...
> 
> I know he can't join the military because of his health and mental health ( he tried to kill himself three years back with antifreeze) I agree with you there is something up, and I did make attempts for him to see Lane until now and every time he told me that lane was not his and to fuck off. So after 5 or 6 times of that I was like Well fuck that.
> I know he is at school now, but I don't think that has to do with anything with Lane. *I am dreading if this goes to court because I know he would see him without me there and I don't want to expose Lane to that. The poor kid has gone through enough with men I don't need anything else to confuse him*.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> This part got me confused. You have mentioned over that he hadnt shown any positive interested in Lane since before he was born and was abusive to you during your relationship. *Now im not in the legal area nor am i involved in any understanding of courts and legal advice.* But i am pretty sure that most courts wont just hand over a child to the biological dad and say 'Alright then, your back on the scene now, you say you have changed...heres your kid'
> 
> There will be steps put in place and things that will need to be checked and ticked off a list before he would ever be able to have a day or spend some time with Lane ALONE without you. He is a stranger to Lane. IF visits are allowed etc and the court orders him to be in Lanes life, the visits would be supervised and most likely at a center mentioned above where it is noted down when he turns up etc. And if he doesnt the rights would be taken away.
> 
> Having said all that... it could be said that you didnt allow him in his life etc as you didnt declare him the childs father and therefore wouldnt allow him near the baby and he has lost precious time with his child growing up etc. There are two sides to every story and if it went to court the judge would want to hear both sides. All i would suggest is, if you have evidence of him hurting/abusing you... verbally and physically then i would gather it all up. Ask for character references for both you and him etc.
> 
> And most of all, dont stress too much. It wont be good for Lane. Spend positive time with him right now, dont let him know that mummy is worried etc :) i know i know, easier said then done :) Chin up hunny.Click to expand...

I agree with this about the contact, even when my FOB saw the kids before hand when we did legal stuff, even that had to be scheduled and done carefully, they were only allowed over night if i said so, we had to do other things before we arranged access AND most of it was under my control with timings etc.
The courts would not just hand over a child to someone they barely knew, it'd be done gradually



annawrigley said:


> Croc-O-Dile said:
> 
> 
> This isn't about whether or not he's just an asshole. He hit her. If a man has the balls to hit his woman he has the balls to hit his kid. It's not about her going through a bad break-up with him, it's about domestic fucking violence. It's about protecting your child, and sometimes you have to protect them from the people you'd least expect, like their father.
> 
> The BC thing is not important now. It's done and over with. None of you know Kelly, nor do you know the circumstances of her relationship. Her ex was a great father to Lane until he went bat shit crazy. Nobody saw that coming. Her new boyfriend isn't just some random guy off the street, either. She knows her FOB better than any of us, she knows if it's being truthful, which he's not. This thread was not a "Hey everybody, tell me what I've done wrong regarding the men in my life!" She just wanted someone to tell her it would be okay, support her, and give her constructive advice. Bringing up the BC is not constructive advice. It's a moot opinion which has no importance regarding the reason for this thread.
> 
> :coffee: So did FOB, he's seen Noah since he was born with me there, he has never hit him or shown any signs of wanting to and hasn't been violent to me either. Although he is still a twat in a lot of ways, he is a changed man. I never said just hand him over to FOB (because I wouldn't do that myself), but I think he should see his child. Supervised. And there is nothing wrong with that. My child is protected, he just happens to see his dad as well.Click to expand...

Agree :thumbup: No-one expects to suddenly hand over their child full time to someone they don't know.


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## Hotbump

I wend thru DV first it was verbally then it got physical. Like I said I kicked him out, he asked for forgiveness and I didnt want to believe he was going to change. I gave him a chance anyways but when I go and look back I wonder to myself what if I hadnt gave him a chance? I would of never known that he was really honest that he was going to change, my kids would of never known who daddy was if I had kept them away from him. I'm glad I gave him a chance because he loves his kids more than anything and our relationship is better and stronger than ever....but if hadnt I gave him a chance my kids and I would of missed out on such a changed person.


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## Desi's_lost

This is a stupid point to make, obviously but why does she have to subject her son to a shitty person? 

....

She doesnt. Obviously she can judge if he's shitty or not and he obviously is as he choose not to be in his sons life. A childs life isnt a game. You dont just get to choose when you feel like being there. Either you are or you arent and he wasnt so oh well. Boat sailed, fuck off asshole fob.


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## sarah0108

Because every child deserves two parents and if he is willing to see his child then why not?

:dohh:


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## Rhio92

Surely he deserves one more chance :shrug:


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## Desi's_lost

Lane can still have two parents one day. two loving parents. not a loser that couldnt get his priorities straight for what, 2 years?


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## sarah0108

Yeah he can, but he can also at least have contact with his real father.

Every kid/parent deserves a second chance. No-one is saying FOB is an angel, just stating that if he wants to be involved let him, if he fucks it up then fuck him


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## bbyno1

He doesn't sound like the 'perfect' father to be honest. Far from it actually..BUT i do think he deserves a chance. I would try and arrange something between yourselfs if you don't want to go through the courts. You obviously know him alot better than us but,maybe just maybe he has changed or at least is trying to?
Something must have clicked/sparked for him to wanna see his son again surely?
If i was you i would do supervised visits for a long time. Suss him out. He might wanna be that dad he should have been from the start? See how good he is around Lane and see how they bond? 
Hopefully he has changed and they can have a growing relationship. That would be lovely for Lane. If not then go from there..


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## sarah0108

Ellie you worded it so much better than i have :rofl:


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## bbyno1

I know he should have stepped up and tried to see Lane a long time ago. But better now than never i say. I would hate growing up not knowing who my dad was. I would let him know he has one last chance to proove he can be a great father to him. If he blows it at least the egg is in his face iykwim?


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## bbyno1

sarah0108 said:


> Ellie you worded it so much better than i have :rofl:

:haha: Im so rubbish at wording things. Always know what i mean myself tho lol!


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## sarah0108

bbyno1 said:


> I know he should have stepped up and tried to see Lane a long time ago. But better now than never i say. I would hate growing up not knowing who my dad was. I would let him know he has one last chance to proove he can be a great father to him. If he blows it at least the egg is in his face iykwim?

Agree 100% this is what happened with me and my real dad :thumbup:


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## Kiss_me_silly

:hug: x


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## QuintinsMommy

i honestly don't know how i feel on this now that i read the whole thread.. good luck:hugs:


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## Desi's_lost

sarah0108 said:


> bbyno1 said:
> 
> 
> I know he should have stepped up and tried to see Lane a long time ago. But better now than never i say. I would hate growing up not knowing who my dad was. I would let him know he has one last chance to proove he can be a great father to him. If he blows it at least the egg is in his face iykwim?
> 
> Agree 100% this is what happened with me and my real dad :thumbup:Click to expand...

The thing is its a risk on both Lane and her. There are just as many negative what ifs as positive. I'm not sure how supervised visitation works there, but its doesnt take long to pull a gun. Extreme, I know, but if the man was violent in the past, you never know. 

Personally i dont think a guy blowing his kid off for over a year suddenly just turns up going 'well, i'mma fight you for partial custody now.' Would be one thing if he approached OP politely and reasonably but..he hasnt. Just threats and complaints. I'd put my money on him just trying to put her through the ringer again.


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## AriannasMama

I think as a mother she should protect him from negative influences while she can, once he's old enough to make his own decisions, if he wants to meet his dad, he can :shrug:


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## AirForceWife7

AriannasMama said:


> I think as a mother she should protect him from negative influences while she can, once he's old enough to make his own decisions, if he wants to meet his dad, he can :shrug:

Couldn't agree more :thumbup:

In all honesty, if Jon EVER put his hands on me/abused me I would leave him in a second & wouldn't let him see Brenna until he'd take me to court :shrug: I know that's pretty extreme but anyone who put their hands on someone in a forceful way is just the scum of the earth IMO.

If he hits you, what's stopping him from hitting his child?

Edit: Plus, if a father physically abuses the mother I doubt the court would be all gung-ho about the father seeing his child alone.


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## brandonsgirl

AirForceWife7 said:


> AriannasMama said:
> 
> 
> Edit: Plus, if a father physically abuses the mother I doubt the court would be all gung-ho about the father seeing his child alone.
> 
> I agree!Click to expand...


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## sarah0108

:dohh: ANY man is capable of hitting a child, whether they are abusive or not!


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## sarah0108

Desi's_lost said:


> sarah0108 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> bbyno1 said:
> 
> 
> I know he should have stepped up and tried to see Lane a long time ago. But better now than never i say. I would hate growing up not knowing who my dad was. I would let him know he has one last chance to proove he can be a great father to him. If he blows it at least the egg is in his face iykwim?
> 
> Agree 100% this is what happened with me and my real dad :thumbup:Click to expand...
> 
> The thing is its a risk on both Lane and her. There are just as many negative what ifs as positive. I'm not sure how supervised visitation works there, but its doesnt take long to pull a gun. Extreme, I know, but if the man was violent in the past, you never know.
> 
> Personally i dont think a guy blowing his kid off for over a year suddenly just turns up going 'well, i'mma fight you for partial custody now.' Would be one thing if he approached OP politely and reasonably but..he hasnt. Just threats and complaints. I'd put my money on him just trying to put her through the ringer again.Click to expand...

Well over here it wouldnt be partial custody it would be supervised visits which is TOTALLY different


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## annawrigley

Er well we don't have guns here and if you think he would just turn up and shoot his child maybe you shouldn't either. Get real


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## sarah0108

:dohh:


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## AirForceWife7

sarah0108 said:


> :dohh: ANY man is capable of hitting a child, whether they are abusive or not!

You're right! But this man has already abused the OP .. shouldn't she protect her child? :shrug:

It's not a matter of a man that is capable of being abusive .. it's the fact that he already has been abusive & she's doing what she feels is right, which is protecting her child from possibly having to go through the harm that she did. I would do the same thing.

Why would I risk my child's welfare when I know full well how excrutiating it was to get beat by someone who says they love me? Just doesn't make sense.


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## annawrigley

I protect my child, he still sees his father. Just cos a man hits a woman does NOT mean he is going to hit his own child. Especially in a supervised situation. Theres nothing to be protected FROM. Any man could turn round and hit his kid. Under your logic every man that has ever been violent to anybody ever, ever got in a fight, ever pushed his mum out of his way, fought with his siblings, should never be allowed to see his children. Its ridiculous, fathers have rights.


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## AirForceWife7

annawrigley said:


> I protect my child, he still sees his father. Just cos a man hits a woman does NOT mean he is going to hit his own child. Especially in a supervised situation. Theres nothing to be protected FROM. Any man could turn round and hit his kid. Under your logic every man that has ever been violent to anybody ever, ever got in a fight, ever pushed his mum out of his way, fought with his siblings, should never be allowed to see his children. Its ridiculous, fathers have rights.

I only said that a man who physically abuses the mother of his child shouldn't see his child. Not all the other additions you've put in there? So I don't know where you're getting that from, as I've never said it, nor do I think it :shrug:

What I think needs to be done is that the father needs help & some counseling. He shouldn't just be given the right to see his child after beating on his OH, whether he is a "father" or not. 

And yes there is something to be protected from ... the chance that the father MAY abuse the child. Sure, every father that abuses his OH may not abuse his child, but some STILL do. I wouldn't want to take that chance with my child & would get the hell out of there until the guy gets some help. Then maybe I'd let him see his kids, AFTER he has proven he's changed.

Anyway, I hate arguing with people on here, and this is just my opinion. Everyone's views are different & we handle things differently in certain situations. I think we should just agree to disagree & leave it at that.


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## Hotbump

AirForceWife7 said:


> annawrigley said:
> 
> 
> I protect my child, he still sees his father. Just cos a man hits a woman does NOT mean he is going to hit his own child. Especially in a supervised situation. Theres nothing to be protected FROM. Any man could turn round and hit his kid. Under your logic every man that has ever been violent to anybody ever, ever got in a fight, ever pushed his mum out of his way, fought with his siblings, should never be allowed to see his children. Its ridiculous, fathers have rights.
> 
> I only said that a man who physically abuses the mother of his child shouldn't see his child. Not all the other additions you've put in there? So I don't know where you're getting that from, as I've never said it, nor do I think it :shrug:
> 
> What I think needs to be done is that the father needs help & some counseling. He shouldn't just be given the right to see his child after beating on his OH, whether he is a "father" or not.
> 
> And yes there is something to be protected from ... the chance that the father MAY abuse the child. Sure, every father that abuses his OH may not abuse his child, but some STILL do. I wouldn't want to take that chance with my child & would get the hell out of there until the guy gets some help. Then maybe I'd let him see his kids, AFTER he has proven he's changed.
> 
> Anyway, I hate arguing with people on here, and this is just my opinion. Everyone's views are different & we handle things differently in certain situations. I think we should just agree to disagree & leave it at that.Click to expand...

My OH once hit me, and use to drink but he has NEVER touched my boys :thumbup: Of course he has changed but if I had never gaven him the chance I would of never known and my boys wouldnt of known their dad...that doesnt sound fair to neither my OH or my boys :nope:


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## AirForceWife7

I'm not saying to not give him a chance at all .. I believe everyone deserves a second chance :thumbup:

All I'm saying is that I would wait until I knew he had changed or gotten help before I would let him see his child, just to be safe. But that's JMO :flow:


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