# Doing the right thing??



## dustbunny

Little update. I had my LO on Monday after a rather traumatic labour. Came home from hospital Wednesday and have had zero sleep... but have lost 1lb shy of a stone!! Haha - alas, just bump not general weight loss. 

Am in a 2 and 8 over whether to tell FOB's mother that LO has arrived. I know before I have been adamant I won't be doing it but it's not sitting well with me... I actually feel guilty for not telling him. I was pondering over whether my mum could message his mother, so as to keep me and FOB out of it so to speak, on a grandmother to 'grandmother' level with the basic facts?? You all know what hes been like. :( 

I just don't fancy the shit storm which is bound to follow. I hate having a conscience and trying to please people sometimes. :(


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## jemmie1994

if you think it'll cause trouble i wouldn't, in time it will be obvious to them that LO has been born (do they know the due date?) and if they want get in contact they will just leave it to them if you've had no support don't put yourself out for them


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## dustbunny

Thanks, I really do not know why I feel like this. Think major lack of sleep is really getting to me. I remember when I was in labour thinking "if someone can sit back and let me take this much pain and merely assume they can walk in as if I had just done the shopping...!!!" 
They both knew the due date and they both contacted me last week. FOB said he had bought loads of baby items and 'useful' items even though he knew I had already got everything... then his mum said she hadn't got anything because I had never contacted her asking for what I needed... which means neither of them have got anything. It was more lies. 

Thank you jemmie1994 :hugs: :hugs:


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## Dezireey

Congratulations sweetie, glad all is okay now and you and LO are safe and sound. I guess FOB will know one way or another as time goes by so choose the best method that causes you less stress. Communicate and get it over and done with or just let him contact you when the penny drops that LO must have arrived by now. Good luck xx


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## Lemonflower

Congrats hun!! 

Nah, don't tell him, he's a prat!!

He or his mother will contact you no doubt soon or let him find out from someone else.
I let my conscience get the better of me and it caused me upset didn't it.

Just enjoy your gorgeous baby and try not to think of him.

xxxxx


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## teal

If you think he is going to cause upset then I would leave it for you. You've just had a baby and it's hard enough trying to settle in with your new baby without him either swanning in like he's the worlds best father or going in a strop. :hugs: 

I do agree with you, it sounds like lies. He's bought useful things but doesn't think you'll need any of these _useful things_ before you have your baby?

I know I mentioned it earlier but I didn't try to tell FOB until I had registered LO. I know some people might disagree with that choice but I didn't want him pushing in with surname drama and stressing me when I was already all over the place. Once I registered LO I send him an email but it came back undelivered (he also changed his phone number and moved) so the decision was really made for me. By the time your LO is registered you would have had a few weeks and a chance to think (between trying to sleep :hugs:) 

I wouldn't worry too much about your conscience after everything he's done :growlmad:

I tried to contact FOB but I still had a hard time with guilt. I'll drop you a pm about that later if you want, I think this reply is long enough! 

I'm here anytime though, seriously don't think you're alone because you're not :hugs::hugs: xx


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## whoops

Going against the grain, but I'd tell her/them. The last thing you need is more drama down the line, where they act like you've been shutting them out or not keeping them informed. I'd do what you can now to make sure your conscience is clear in the future, and to make it seem like you've always been the reasonable, forthcoming adult in the situation.


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## lemontree12

I have no idea what I will do when when the time comes for me to make that descision! 

My fob wants nothing to do with my daughter and has blocked me out of his life after 4yrs together! 

Part of me feels like I should inform him when I go into labour because if anything happened to me or the baby then he couldn't blame me for not telling him! But then again the actions and choices he has made in the last 4 months are down to him so mayb I owe him nothing!

I was also debating about sending him a picture of her when she was born and make him look at the little person he has took so many opportunities away from! His parents are gutted by his choices and they will also not be in her life! Their choice and I think they are foolish to let him decide something like that but hey...

Only u can tell what is best! But if it was me I would be telling them, u would give my right arm for my fob to be interested or even remotely ask if she was here! He's never asked how i am and how she is. So things aren't going to change for me! 

Do what's right for u and ur baby!
If u need to chat drop me a mail xxxx


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## dustbunny

Thanks ladies. Am really struggling at the moment with what is the best thing to do which is causing my anxiety to come back which could lead back to depression, something my MW is now worried about. Really do not want to get ill again. Tried writing a letter but ended up bursting into tears half way through, makes me so angry always being the better person and trying to include someone who blames me for everything and although has played at being interested... it has only been playing. I have never stopped them doing anything, never stopped them sending things or coming down off of their own back.

Just makes me so sad. :(


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## teal

I sent you a pm honey :hugs:

Massive, massive hugs :hugs::hugs: xx


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## MommaAlexis

Ifffff you're pretty and you know it clap your hands! *waits for claps*


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## dustbunny

Well he knows now and so far nothing but have a major feeling this is a calm before the storm. Will be worried all day waiting for a reply. :(


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## angelpkj

hang in there christ my hormones were all over show for months after giving birth to little one was an emotional wreck at times 
you will feel better i promise


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## dustbunny

For someone who keeps up-to-date with facebook, uploads photos etc etc and apparently waits with baited breath for contact etc... still no reply.


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## teal

:hugs: Just shows where the priorities lie doesn't it? Hope you're ok xx


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## dustbunny

I feel much better now that I at least gave them the opportunity. I've blocked them all now so if they want me they can contact me via a solicitor. :hugs:


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## Lemonflower

Same as my LOs FOB and family! No contact for over 3 weeks now. At least we did the right thing and told them though!
Not sure what he's thinking, saying planning! Like you just waiting now but who knows they've both been useless during pregnancy they may not even bother with solicitors!!

Seems funny now he was actually threatening joint custody a few months ago. I was so scared and now nothing... 

Has your FOB gave/bought your LO anything?? I've still not received a penny and LO hasn't even got a gift either.

xxx


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## dustbunny

Lemonflower said:


> Same as my LOs FOB and family! No contact for over 3 weeks now. At least we did the right thing and told them though!
> Not sure what he's thinking, saying planning! Like you just waiting now but who knows they've both been useless during pregnancy they may not even bother with solicitors!!
> 
> Seems funny now he was actually threatening joint custody a few months ago. I was so scared and now nothing...
> 
> Has your FOB gave/bought your LO anything?? I've still not received a penny and LO hasn't even got a gift either.
> 
> xxx


Nope, nothing, not seen a thing. He says he has but tbh wouldn't you have sent a cheque by now?? Or had the "useful baby items" delivered to my house directly?? Or even a teddy bear?? All lies at the end of the day anyway, think his mum and him need a chat before they both tell me different things. It is disgusting how they have both acted. GRrrr..... hate all FOB's... and men in general. :growlmad:


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## teal

dustbunny said:


> Lemonflower said:
> 
> 
> Same as my LOs FOB and family! No contact for over 3 weeks now. At least we did the right thing and told them though!
> Not sure what he's thinking, saying planning! Like you just waiting now but who knows they've both been useless during pregnancy they may not even bother with solicitors!!
> 
> Seems funny now he was actually threatening joint custody a few months ago. I was so scared and now nothing...
> 
> Has your FOB gave/bought your LO anything?? I've still not received a penny and LO hasn't even got a gift either.
> 
> xxx
> 
> 
> Nope, nothing, not seen a thing. He says he has but tbh wouldn't you have sent a cheque by now?? Or had the "useful baby items" delivered to my house directly?? Or even a teddy bear?? All lies at the end of the day anyway, think his mum and him need a chat before they both tell me different things. It is disgusting how they have both acted. GRrrr..... hate all FOB's... and men in general. :growlmad:Click to expand...

It's awful how many FOB's just don't care. 

My ex and his mum both know about my son but haven't bothered at all and it's coming up to three years since I've last seen FOB. :wacko:

Who needs them! These so-called men definitely don't deserve to know our LO's after all this. 

:hugs::hugs:


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## Lemonflower

It's FOB's mothers too, as women how could they stand by and let their sons do what they've done to us.
I know my mum would do they right thing... But then again it's maybe why these men have behaved the way have.

Teal.... Can I ask what your story is? Were you single and pregnant and then heard nothing?

xxx


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## jemmie1994

Lemonflower said:


> It's FOB's mothers too, as women how could they stand by and let their sons do what they've done to us.
> I know my mum would do they right thing... But then again it's maybe why these men have behaved the way have.
> 
> 
> 
> xxx

this exactly!
if i was FOB's mum i would be mortified at his behavior, yet she just appears to have shook it off and expects me to go to their house (where he is) so she can see Evie 
tbh i'd expect abit of understanding from her seeing as her husband split up with her and they had 3 kids, if his mum wanted to see them she had to get 2 buses to their house....hypocrisy much?


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## Lemonflower

Yeah let her come to your house, stupid woman.

My FOB's mother was left whilst pregnant and his nan claimed to have "loved" me like a granddaughter. I don't see how they know they're grandson is here and have done nothing! They also know i'm struggling financially to pay for my rented house that their precious son left me in and LOs bits ( i don't get benefits until May/June time thats when my Stat Mat pay kicks in though my monthly salary at the mo isn't much and only just covered my outgoings) They are a really f**ked up family though!
I'm glad my son won't be influenced much if not at all.
xxx


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## teal

Lemonflower said:


> It's FOB's mothers too, as women how could they stand by and let their sons do what they've done to us.
> I know my mum would do they right thing... But then again it's maybe why these men have behaved the way have.
> 
> Teal.... Can I ask what your story is? Were you single and pregnant and then heard nothing?
> 
> xxx

I had been seeing FOB for almost a year when I found out I was pregnant. (wasn't planned, I was on the pill). I waited a few days before I told him and he broke up with me when I refused to be pushed into a termination. I've not seen him since June 2009. He cut all contact :wacko: I did try to contact him once my son was born but my emails failed. 

I plodded along until I started feeling really guily the tail end of last year. I decided to try and contact him to give him once more chance, I did manage to get a contact number for him but I got nothing but abuse on the phone. 

Following all that if he ever changes his mind he'll have to take me to court before I'll allow him to see my son. :growlmad:

Sorry if I've hijacked your thread with this long post dustbunny :kiss:

I have no idea how their mums don't bother with what their sons have done. FOB's mother knows but hasn't bothered to contact me. My mum has said that she doesn't understand how someone wouldn't want to know their grandchild.


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## Lemonflower

What an idiot!!! Sorry hun!! :hugs:

I wonder whether these men will rear their ugly heads in years to come. And will then be "cool dad" taking out LOs after not giving them a second thought for years.
It is still early days for me and Dustbunny though - they may rear their ugly heads earlier. 
I think my FOB will once he gets bored or he visits a friend with a small child. He's a brat who will think, "I want one of those".


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## teal

I'm sure if that happens our LO's will see right through them. 

It's disgusting they just walk away from their children. I hate the thought after walking out they just swan in when they feel like it. 

xx


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## dustbunny

teal: really dont worry about it, I think it is lovely we all feel comfy enough to share our stories together. 

And as for them rearing their ugly heads, like weeds in my garden, they will be eradicated. I realised this morning, in the wee small hours whilst feeding LO, I have been a mug for so many people it is unreal. They still haven't sent anything and they had 9 months to get their act together, it is not like LO was not planned so they have no excuse what so ever. I would be a bit more understanding, maybe, possible, who knows, if this whole thing was not planned... but you don't agree to something, dilly dally over it when it happens and piss off. Yes I left him but did so in the hope he would grow up... but then it takes a big set of balls to grow up and nothing of his was particularly big. 

I think I am going to try and be a stronger person and cut people from my life who cause nothing but pain and drama. 

We all deserve better ladies!!! :hugs:


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## teal

Definitely don't need any drama hun :hugs: You're right, they've had nine months to step up. There is absolutely no excuse. 

I like the weeds comment :haha: suits them well!! xx


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## jemmie1994

I've realized how much of a mug I've been for FOB and his family too before them lot came along i had a relatively quiet life now there all this drama can't be doing with it unless they make a move I want nothing more to do with them and if FOB comes back in years to come he'll be sent off with a fly in his ear and minus his testicles...if he had any to begin with!

bloody men eh??


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## dustbunny

jemmie1994 said:


> I've realized how much of a mug I've been for FOB and his family too before them lot came along i had a relatively quiet life now there all this drama can't be doing with it unless they make a move I want nothing more to do with them and if FOB comes back in years to come he'll be sent off with a fly in his ear and minus his testicles...if he had any to begin with!
> 
> bloody men eh??

Hehe... Loving the "if he had any to begin with!" comment!!! 


I just cant fathom why guys get let off of things so damn easily because they are male. They have this get out of jail free card allowing them to come and go as they wish, the courts support this and they think it is best for the child to have useless idiots walking in and out. 

Ranting again, just had the health visitor question me about FOB... wtf!!! :growlmad:


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## teal

I hate getting asked about FOB. 

They do get of lightly. I don't understand why they don't feel guilty. I felt guilty thinking _I _didn't try enough when it was him who left. I know I've said it before but I strongly feel that no contact is better than half-assed contact. 

xx


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## jemmie1994

^^same dont understand how anyone can just walk away from their child it'd drive me mad not knowing whats going on with Evie, but i don't feel any guilt anymore i tried my best to get FOB involved but he just walked off...literally!
lesson learned...these guys must have a screw loose or something how can anyone not want to be there for these beautiful babies?


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## teal

Yep some serious loose screws :haha: 

I don't think I'll ever understand how my ex could just leave and then get on with his life as though nothing happened. I would have thought that would have been something that eats away at you. 

I always feel a bit off when it's fathers day but it does make me wonder if he see's adverts for fathers day and if it bothers him. 

What does still kind of upsets me is knowing that one day my little boy is going to ask about his "dad" and will find out the truth.


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## jemmie1994

im exact same! whenever i see adverts for nappies or anything wonder if he sees them and thinks of Evie bit of wishful thinking doubt he cares, am dreading the day Evie asks about her dad and i have to find a nice way to say he didnt want her, dont see why we should be the one to tell them should make these 'dads' do it! i dont want to make excuses for him and have her think her dads nice but i dont want to tell her the truth and have her get upset :/ 

sorry dustbunny totally taking over your post here


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## teal

Once I made it clear to my ex that I was keeping the baby (he tried to push me into having a termination) he asked what he was going to do when the baby tracked him down in 18 years.... I told him that was his problem and not mine. Selfish or what. Just left his pregnant girlfriend and he was worried about himself. 

I feel the same, I don't want to make excuses for him but I don't want to hurt my son when the truth is so, so harsh and horrible. I'm thinking something like your "dad" (I even hate typing that damn word) wasn't ready... feels like an excuse but still truth in it. I think we all love our children enough for two parents anyway :hugs: xx


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## jemmie1994

my god what an arse! they really dont think about anyone but themselves, my ex wanted me to 'get rid' at first then decided he'd stick around turned up for the good bits scans etc then once she was born she interfered with his going out and his xbox but ofc thats all my fault cos i pushed him out :wacko: 
that sounds like only way explain it really without them getting too upset but yeah least they will know they know they have mummys who love them more then anything :)


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## Dezireey

The only reason these men do this is because they *can. *Life throws lots of unwanted responsibilities at us and moments where we think we can't cope e.g loss of home, moving to another country, someone close to us dying etc, etc and the wheat is usually separated from the chaff and people who can sign a 'get out' clause and avoid responsibility and things they 'don't like to face' will always take the easy way out. Women are just built to be stronger, emotionally. We have to, otherwise I think the world would be in chaos. I agree with previous posts though, can't for the life of me understand the mothers of these men letting their sons get away with such crap. The only thing I can think of, is that they love their sons so much, they will believe anything they are told such as 'it's not my baby Mum, she may say it is, but its not the truth':shrug: 

No matter what happens, we have to carry on with our little ones and be happy, they can just go live their pathetic lives knowing somewhere in the world they have a child. There definitely should be a law though saying that they are forbidden to suddenly turn up years later when it suits them and play at being a lovely Dad, because they are not. These men are their own worst enemies, if they change their minds one day, they will never be able to reconcile properly with their children about the way they treated their mother. My boy will be told nice things about his Dad but he will be wise enough to think to himself 'my Dad is actually a real shit, he left me and my Mother'


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## MommaAlexis

Mine's mum has been very supportive and nice! I'm glad!


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## teal

Jemmie - what an arse putting his xbox first :growlmad:

dezireey - I thought about that too, no idea what they've said to their family! 

Alexis - that is brilliant she's been supportive xx


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