# OUTRAGED with my kid's school/principal!!



## jrob

So, our little one is in 1st grade and therefore it is his second year at his elementary school. We have had nothing but problems. I am not one of those parents that thinks our kid can do no wrong. But things are getting out of hand with this school. I really need advice because it's getting to a point where his emotional well-being is at stake, as well as our names. Here is the background of the story. It is VERY long. If you read through the whole thing, I will be amazed. But on the chance that SOMEONE might read this and have some insights, I am posting it. I don't even know if this is the right place to talk about something like this but I am in serious need of advice right now! So here goes.....

Last year (Kindergarten) started out horribly. During the second week of school, my stepson was suspended for 3 days. He was definitely having some adjustment and behavioral issues, and we still never figured out what the problem was since he has always been so well behaved. In a single day he pinched a kid, he said because he was talking while the teacher was talking. NOT acceptable, but nothing that can't be handled. He pushed a couple kids because he wanted to be in the front of the line. And finally, he got upset with another child who wanted to play with the blocks he was playing with, threw the block on the ground, it bounced and hit her in the hand. Causing tears and the need for an ice pack. =( None of these things are acceptable to us and we gave him appropriate consequences as well as spoke with him about his behavior. We discussed why it was not okay to act that way and discussed alternative, more appropriate responses for the future. But... we were called in to come get him and he was not allowed back for the next 2 days. There were no prior incidents. No phone calls. Nothing. Just the suspension and a threat that if it happened again they would expel him. That was the first red flag. He was 5!

He was put on a behavior chart that was sent home daily. Whenever he did something the school deemed poor behavior he earned a frowny face. When he was good, a smiley face. His teacher wrote the smileys and he was forced to draw his own frowny faces but never came home understanding what he did wrong. There was one instance where he earned a frowny face for "playing with his sleeves during circle time". He was reprimanded for not participating in certain activities, and when I questioned him about it his response was... "Because I already know it. We say every day "J says juh. J says juh! Why do I have to keep saying it if I know it?" I explained that it is part of being in school to participate in everything, even the things we already know. That it helps the other kids learn and it wouldn't be fair if they didn't do it just because HE already knew it. And that eventually he would start learning new things and to be patient. Maybe there would be a time he doesn't know something but someone else does. Would it be fair for him not to learn it just because someone in his class already knew it? No. And he seemed to grasp that concept. So, with the numerous frowny faces for things I don't think merited a poor mark, and frowny faces that were earned due to ACTUAL behavior issues like talking too much during circle time, etc nothing was coming of it. His father, mother, and I all requested a different method and the teacher refused. 

Throughout the year more and more things happened. It started to seem like they were just trying to find reasons for him to be in trouble. It was all little things. Until one day, his father got a call to come get him. I was at work with the car and his father explained that to the school. He told them that he would be willing to come get him but that he would have to walk (he uses a cane to walk, and sometimes even needs a wheelchair) and asked if they could please call his mother first and if she couldn't get him then he would. They put it on record that he refused to pick him up. And did not call him back. Mom's brother ended up picking him up and it was explained to him that while playing with action figures my step son said "I'm going to get an army and kill you." YIKES! He was sent home for this remark and was not allowed to return to school until we brought him to the local hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. The psychiatrist who treated him said he was just being a little boy and saw no problem (besides the obvious) in what he said. Nothing that merited more than a discussion about appropriate things to say and things that may never be said in school. The principal was not there this day. When his father called to find out exactly what happened, she gave a whole new story that differed from what the school counselor, teacher, AND my step-son had told us previously. She claimed that this incident happened in the hallway with no provocation. We asked for a report in writing stating this and she said she could get it from multiple staff members who were there to witness the incident. She provided no such documentation, only her own statements in writing. 

After some time, my step son started saying how much he hated school. And asked if he could be homeschooled. He said people were mean to him. How heartbreaking it was to hear this little boy who loves to learn say he doesn't want to go to school anymore! He started talking about a boy on the bus who was bullying him. We brought this to his teacher's attention, and nothing was done about it. The boy on the bus was calling him four-eyes, stealing his backpack, and ripping his art projects. We called the school to have this investigated...to no avail. Finally, after several phone calls to the school in an attempt to get in touch with the principal (she was never available) his father called and said "I really need to speak with her about this and if I don't hear back I will have to call the superintendent." We got a phone call that afternoon. She told us a few days later that these accusations were false, and left it at that. She provided no documentation of addressing this incident as required by HIB laws in NJ. I asked myself, how can my step-son learn not to behave a certain way towards others if someone is doing it to him and getting away with it? This other child was known for behavioral issues. He was a 4th grader who had been moved to the front of the bus (where the Kindergartners sit) because of issues he was having bullying the children his own age. Which begs the question, why would you sit a known bully next to small children? I know this because the bus driver is my neighbor. He claims it didn't happen either. But I don't trust that because there was another time that we were late to get to the bus stop. When we were pulling up to the street we found our kindergartner WALKING HOME BY HIMSELF. Obviously this guy doesn't pay attention since he let a 6 year old off the bus with no adult to pick him up. The supposed protocol when a parent is not at the bus stop is to take the child back to the school and have a parent come get them. And pay a fee for the child attending the after-school program (which costs money). So... with the school not taking care of the problem all we could do was be there for him and talk to him, and make sure that WE taught him these values.

This is only a few of the numerous issues we came across throughout the year, the worst of which was when child protective services was called on us claiming that we "beat and tortured" him. On picture day, on the way to the bus he started messing up his hair. His father LIGHTLY smacked his hand down. Since he had NEVER raised a hand to him EVER, this freaked my step-son out and he went to school very . Obviously! I mean I would have shown up at school upset too as a child if this happened RIGHT BEFORE I GOT ON THE BUS! I, of course, in no way condone putting your hands on a child. Nor does his father. This was more of a knee-jerk reaction that was a quick response to him putting a hood over his gel styled hair. So I guess even the action itself startled him.The child protective services worker investigated, told us we were absolutely wonderful parents and apologized that this was even happening. She said things happen and that we did nothing wrong. The case was closed immediately. We were even offered help if we needed it because she felt that the school may be trying to start problems with us. She was concerned.

So the year went on... minor problems from that point forward. At least as far as his behavior was concerned. However, I was going to school for teaching and needed to log observation hours. I cleared it with the board of ed. I even told them my step son was a student in kindergarten and asked if it would be a conflict of interest since I was looking to observe a 5th grade classroom. They gave me the green light. I did one day of observations and it went great. I even saw a friend in the faculty lunch room who was subbing that day! The night before my next scheduled observation I received an e-mail from the principal stating that I neglected to inform her of my relationship to my step-son and that she would not have allowed me in the school if she had known. That it was a conflict of interest and basically acted like I lied to her. She treated me like I did something wrong. Like I hid information from her and acted like I had an alterior motive for wanting to observe a classroom besides just looking for the convenience of observing in my own town. Meanwhile, there are subs, teachers, and even student teachers that have worked in this school where their own children attend. She caught wind of my friendship with the girl who subs there. My friend informed me that the principal called her into her office, closed the door and sat her down and said, "It has come to my attention that you are friends with Ms. R" (I would like this to be somewhat anonymous so I am not providing my real name. I'm sure you understand.) She continued, "I strongly urge you not to have any affiliation with that family if you want to have work in this school." My friend never received a phone call again for work in the school. We have NO idea what we did to this woman that she is so hateful towards our family.

Over the summer we tried to get him into a Catholic school for this upcoming school year. Unfortunately, we could not afford it and got denied financial assistance. So we had to put him back in the public elementary school. His teacher this year seems WONDERFUL and there was only one incident during the first week of school. We got a call saying he bit someone in the bathroom. He's not a biter so this was weird to us. He claims he saw a friend from kindergarten and got excited and ran to hug him and tripped, accidentally biting him. We can't possibly know the real story, so I can't say who was telling the truth. We spoke to him about biting, gave him an appropriate consequence in case it was true. I told him, regardless if it WAS an accident or not you don't need to be hugging people in school. Keep your hands and body to yourself and you won't have anymore mistakes like this. At back-to-school night, the principal announced to the ENTIRE parent population "We've had a great start to the year. We had an incident with the first graders in the boys bathroom, but otherwise a great start" WHAT??? What was the purpose of saying this??? Except maybe to make a jab at us?

Which brings me to my most recent event, and the biggest reason I am here. A family friend is in an ongoing custody battle with his ex. She calls child protective services on him CONSTANTLY. It's at the point where CPS has asked her to stop because it's always unwarranted. They told them they need to work through their issues and stop calling for every little thing because they need to spend their time on cases where children are actually in danger. She called once because her son had diaper rash and tried to claim that the father was doing something of a sexual nature to their son. It's crazy. Anyway, my step-son's mother lives in a house with this friend (the father in the custody battle). He is her adoptive brother. So recently, there was a call made falsely accusing him of hitting his son and my step-son. My step-son even told CPS that it never happened. As per protocol, CPS called the school to cover all their bases. Almost a month later, when they went to my stepsons mom's house to close the case they informed her of something that horrified me. My step son's principal called them to complain about us. The worker said she found is strange, as she does not usually deal with principals. They don't usually have enough contact with students or their parents and usually don't get involved in investigations unless specifically asked to. Here is what she told her:

She said his parents (us) are not involved in his life and are very neglectful. That the only person with involvement in his life is ME. She claimed to have NEVER met his mother and has no idea what she looks like. She complained that she never shows up to school functions or parent-teacher conferences. Meanwhile, the three of us have attended every conference TOGETHER. She had an individual meeting with the principal after bringing her the paperwork from the psych evaluation last year so that he could return to school! And she has gone to more school events than both his father and me combined. We're all working parents. We can't make every single school function.That's ludicrous to expect and NOT CPS worthy. She said that the school staff and faculty don't like to speak with the father because he is aggressive towards them and threatens them. He is probably one of the quietest people I have ever met in my life, and is far from aggressive. The most aggressive thing he ever did was say he would call the super if he didn't hear back from the principal since we had been calling several times for 2 weeks to speak to her. She claimed that my step-son is receiving failing marks in class and that we are doing absolutely nothing about it. But....he comes home with 100's on his tests. All of his classwork and homework have smiles and stars and "great job"s written all over them. We have seen NOTHING to suggest he is doing poorly, nor have we been contacted about that being the case. She claimed we neglect him academically. But his father sits with him every single day of the week and works with him on homework. My step-son LOVES homework. His mother has another, younger child, who gets jealous that she doesn't have homework. So I gave her a box of old math, phonics, vocab, and scissor cutting skills workbooks of my stepsons, as well as flashcards, educational games, and electronic devices so she could have "homework" to do when he does his. We are very involved in his academics!! She claimed that we don't answer or return phone calls, and we don't respond to correspondences that are sent home. We return EVERYTHING sent home to us. And we have never gotten any phone calls except one to ask if his mother would be joining us for parent-teacher conferences next week, since only his father's signature was on the sheet. Mom was at work and couldn't pick up the phone. By the time she called back, the teacher had left for the day. We are on text alerts with his teacher as well as on her e-mail list. No attempts have been made to contact us about anything else. She claimed that he has social issues and can't connect with the other students. That he has no friends. Today was his Halloween parade. His student-teacher ranted and raved about what a wonderful child he is and how well he is doing making friends as well as how great he is doing academically. While we were there THREE of his classmates asked for his telephone number so their parents could call us for play dates. So, those claims were all false.

Luckily, the CPS worker didn't believe a word she said. She warned mom that she believed the principal was purposefully trying to make us look like abusive and neglectful parents. A different worker than the other time, too. She voiced concern about the impact this principal may be having on him.

So my question is, or questions are... what do we do? Who do we contact? The board of ed? The superintendent? A lawyer? CPS? How do we make sure this woman does not ruin our child's future? And how do we make sure she stops making false claims and accusations about our family? This whole situation is detrimental to ALL of our well-being. We are a close-knit family. Things didn't work out between mom and dad. But they remained friends. Mom is one of my closest friends. We all go on family outings together. We went to Medieval Times last year together as a family. To the NY Renn Faire over the summer together. We all went trick or treating together tonight and then out to dinner AS A FAMILY. There is nothing but love and respect between us. I am hurt, not only by what is being said about me, but about the people I love. We are a young family and sometimes I think we are judged for it. I am 30. Dad is 29. And mom is 26. Age does not have anything to do with ability to parent. I know 40 year olds who can't handle their kids. And I know 20 year olds who are the most devoted and loving single moms I have ever met. Still, I think we are being treated unfairly possibly for being a young, split-home family. I don't know what to do. This can't be legal!

I know this was super long. And if anyone took the time to read this, I appreciate it SO much! Any advice would be appreciated. I am lost. We all are. And we are very scared. Oh... and there is only one elementary school in our town. So we don't even have an option to put him in another one. I was on the verge of tears when I heard about all this the other day. Please, if you can help us, I am really needing to hear from people to find out what we can do.


----------



## jrob

A note... or continuation of the story really....

Anyone who knows us and him knows what a sweet, caring, lovable, bright and happy little boy he is. He really is SUCH a joy to be around. And I'm not just saying that because he's my step-son. He is thoughtful and inquisitive and a GOOD PERSON that cares very much about the well-being of others. He puts the needs of others above his own and is very intuitive and empathetic to children and adults alike. Everyone knows how devoted we all are to him. I love this child as my own. He is my world. Last year he kept referring to himself as a "bad boy". Something we have never said to him. His sense of self was rattled and threatened by all this. He seems to be having a much better year. Perhaps it is his teacher. He loves school again. And he is always smiling and happy. Last year he exhibited stress behaviors such as picking at his face and arms. This has stopped thankfully. We DID take him to a therapist once because he was having some issues with lying. But this has also stopped since he stopped being told every day that he was being "bad". A huge problem seemed to also be his teacher aide. Her remarks were always negative on his behavior sheets. "He was defiant when his teacher asked him to put away his materials". This boy is METICULOUS and was slowly putting away papers he had cut out. Putting them in order so they wouldn't get messed up. She wanted him to clean up quickly. Again, I explained to him why. I always explain things. My methods are a majority of positive reinforcements and discussions to understand WHY things are they way they are or WHY we shouldn't do certain things. It's all about understanding in my opinion if you want negative behaviors to stop. I told him that teachers have a BIG job and it takes a LOT of planning. Teachers plan very carefully so that activities get done by a certain time. If they don't start when they scheduled to start an activity then the whole day can get messed up. And that teachers work hard AT HOME and don't get paid to do it to make those schedules. I told him that even though he wanted to be neat, that when his teachers say to clean quickly, it's because she has another fun thing for the class to do and she worked very hard to be able to do it. So in the future, let's respect our teacher to make sure her hard work pays off. He understood this. His teacher's and aide's tones that were conveyed in their remarks on the behavior chart always seemed negative to me too. And when he had substitute teachers he never got a single bad remark. Always glowing reviews about him and his day. So there were some MAJOR incongruencies in the reporting of his behavior.

Anyway.... about that therapist we took him to for the lying. We didn't continue treatment with the therapist because he didn't listen to us or him and immediately sent us to go put him on ADHD medication. This year has been proving, thus far, that he doesn't need them. And we were right not to want to shove medicine down our 6 year old's throat. He showed zero signs of hyperactivity outside of that kindergarten classroom, and does not exhibit this behavior in school now. He has Medicaid (NJ Family Care) as insurance, so decent therapists are not easy to come by on his plan. We never found another one and have had no reason to seek one out since that time. I feel his behaviors were a direct result of his circumstances. Now that the only issue seems to be his principal those behavoirs have dissipated. He does not seem affected by the CPS visits as we have explained that they are nice people who come to help families. He has no idea what it actually means to have them visit.


----------



## Bex84

I would contact superintendent and make an official complaint. I would also ask the cps people who offered to help to make a statement to the superintendent and also your friend who supplied if she's willing. Before being a sahm I taught primary and none of the things your lo is accused of would be deemed worthy of suspension. They have obviously never worked with a child with real behavioral issues. I would request a meeting with superintendent and principle and I would be discussing about how they have allowed bullying. I would keep a diary showing when you attend events and speak to teachers. Ask supply teachers to write a report on how he did. Your poor son and you. It should be applauded how you co parent. If they keep calling him bad it will be self fulfilling profecy, I can't believe they would make such a issue about small issues. Don't even threaten with super intendent just call


----------



## RachA

I'm really sorry that I don't have any advice for you-I'm in the UK and I don't know how things work where you are. 

How your step-son is being treated is disgusting and several times reading your post I was nearly in tears. The school have handled it all wrong IMO and what you've been doing to deal with the issues is so right. 

I'm not one for homeschooling as I don't feel like I'm equipped to do it but I think if that was going on then I would pull my child out of school and find someone to teach them until I could find a school elsewhere. 

The PP had some good advice for you. 

I really hope you can sort this out really quickly as it's so unfair on all of you.


----------



## jrob

Thanks for the support ladies. I posted this on another site and feel like I got a lot of responses condemning me for writing so much. I just wanted to give a detailed background. Lots of victim blaming going on in other places. I know this story seems crazy. It's crazy to me too. But I got a lot of people trying to say I wasn't telling the truth! And from many people who admitted they didn't even read it all. I don't need that kind of negativity when I am dealing with a situation such as this :cry: I feel much more supported here and I appreciated the responses.


----------



## jd83

Wow, that's so awful:( I would be contacting the superintendent and requesting a meeting to discuss all of this, how these false allegations and over the top consequences are affecting your family. It's definitely not right, and sounds like you guys are absolutely being targeted by this principle for some reason.


----------



## Jchihuahua

That is awful. I feel that he was treated dreadfully. I teach 4 and 5 year olds myself and pretty much of all the things he was being punished for are commonplace behaviours for many children of that age. The thing he said about the army which resulted in him being sent home and made to see a psychiatrist is crazy!!! We have kids who want to play armies/guns all the time. We discourage that sort of play but it is something pretty normal to many 5 year olds. I had a little boy tell another boy he was going to cut off his head the other day (when questioned he'd heard it being talked about on the news with the current issues going on Iraq and Syria). I spent a long while talking about it to him and why it was inappropriate to say that and I discussed it with his mum but it never would have gone any further than that. I don't understand why your step son's school has acted this way. It seems like they massively over react to everything.


----------



## Bex84

I can totally believe it, I've worked with some very judgemental people in the teaching profession. The amount of working class bashing I heard go on by some was rediculus, I don't think they realised I come from working class background. I saw one teacher really talk down to one mum about she couldent afford a trip which was voluntary contribution. I was so annoyed for her.I think its awful this principle is creating a personal vendetta. As above I taught 4-6 years and all behaviours are normal


----------



## Rainbow82

Gather all your evidence together, especially from the second CPS worker as any report the principal made should be on record and all the things like school reports, photocopies of his work with praise/good marks on to show how inaccurate it was and go straight to superintendent and the board. Doesn't sound like your done has done anything I don't deal with at school on a daily (hourly) basis. Sounds like she made up her mind about him early on when there may have been one or two genuine incidents and Been looking for fault ever since. Also sounds like she doesn't like your family set up when in actual fact you should all be congratulated on being able to all parent cooperatively together without major issues.


----------



## Feff

I'm not any help at all but I can't believe how they're treating you all! Why would the even do this, what are they gaining from it? :dohh: i hope it's sorted soon! X


----------



## jrob

Thanks again ladies for the support. Even on that other site more people started responding, some with some pretty good advice. I guess I jumped the gun with some of the negative comments and felt very defensive being called a liar. And some of the really mean posts were completely removed thankfully. It just added to the stress. But I probably shouldn't let that stuff get to me. No one actually knows me so I can't expect everyone to accept my story. 

A little update... we had parent teacher night tonight and his teacher and the student teacher had nothing but love and praise for him. Apparently he is "blowing them away" with his math skills. That felt so good to hear. Lots of good vibes from his teacher. The gym teacher stopped us on our way out though saying that he's had some issues following directions and that she has to repeat things often. Which takes her attention away from the other kids. And asked us to talk to him about it, which mom drove me to and from the conference and we spoke with him together about it. The only thing that bothered me was when the pe teacher corrected herself from saying "he's having some issues/problems" to saying "he is a problem". I felt that was a pretry negative way to present that info. Either way we spoke to him about it and hopefully he will pay better attention in that class. Despite the remarks he had nothing on his report card to suggest any behavioral issues (which they do in this school).but if she felt the need to say something then we need to try to help remedy the situation.


----------



## Bex84

Well done for your lo for teacher night, that is awful that pe teacher said he is a problem maybe she should have changed words to I am a crap teacher as I can't control a class which would have been more correct


----------



## jd83

Glad to hear he got good reviews from his regular teacher:) That's great! have you managed to get a meeting set up regarding the crap the principle is making you put up with? I still think you really need to address that; its not okay, and is very discriminatory towards your family.


----------



## sethsmummy

oh my gosh hun some of these teachers are your sons school are awful! A lot of children that age need a little extra guidance and need given directions more than once. :dohh: Well done you for being a fantastic step mum :D and for not smacking the stupid teachers... id have been very tempted lol xx


----------



## Rainbow82

That PE teacher sounds awful, if I told parents their child was a problem for something minor like that I'm pretty sure I would be in trouble with the head. However just a thought but if this teacher us saying dhe needs to repeat instructions but he's not having any other issues how is his hearing? When I was his age my teacher used to tell my parents same thing but actually she had to repeat things because I just couldn't always hear them first time. only thought if it as a friends little boy had same thing recently and in pe, it's often noisier, teacher stood further away etc and other distractions and he couldn't always hear first time, just needed his ears syringing to remove excess wax, helped with the recurrent ear infections too. Glad his class teacher was so nice.


----------

