# Did I do the right thing?



## Yammas

Hi 

I'm a single mum to be currently 17 weeks with my first baby. Me and FOB were friends with benefits so I felt that the same way I had the choice whether or not to have this baby he should have the choice whether or not he wanted to be a father. Of course he chose to leave and apart from initially trying to convince me to have an abortion once he realised my mind was set I've not heard from him again.

I text him to let him know when my 12 week scan was and had no reply so I'm debating if it's even worth letting him know about the 20 week one. I don't want to pursue a relationship with him but I wish he cared about this baby he has a son from a previous relationship so why take care of one and not the other? 

I don't want to out him as the father for him to resent LO but I don't understand how he can just walk away and care about protecting his reputation more than our child.


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## Rags

I'm sorry that this is becoming difficult for you. It's hard to understand that while you are looking forward to something amazing another person is blocking it out and pretending that it's never happened. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say though. I am a single mother by choice so never had to deal with the issue of if the father wanted to be involved - my head always knew that I'd be doing it alone. 

Anyway, that said I will tell you what I think. Personally I would probably not try to get in touch now or for the 20 week scan. He will be aware of the passage of time and will have a fairly good idea of when you will be due to give birth and you may well find that given space and no pressure he will get back to you nearer the time. If he doesn't then I would be inclined to text him and give him the details after the baby is born and nothing else. If he gets in touch then you can decide how much involvement he has at that time and if not, well, quite truthfully I've found it much easier raising my DS alone than my very good friend has had raising her daughter with a father who has very different parenting ideas than she does - so much so that they are now divorcing.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## Yammas

Thanks for your reply I know what you mean if he wanted to get in touch he would but I'll send a brief text with date and time so I know I gave him every opportunity to be involved then only contact him again after the birth. 

I just feel guilty sometimes and worry what he'll say to them if LO tracks him down in the future being told they weren't wanted I hope he's not that harsh.

I know what you mean about it being easier on your own. Me n my ex could never agree on how to raise theoretical children luckily we never conceived. The lack of negotiation is definitely one of the plus sides of being a single parent.


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## 44npregnant

I had a similar situation and it's hard to understand how a person can just walk away, but they do. Why? Because they do not have character and integrity. They would rather walk away than risk be obligated either emotionally or financially. Perhaps they will change their mind, one day. Probably not. You should prepare yourself to do this on your own and hope for your childs sake that perhaps they can have some sort of relationship one day. As for you, except that person for what they are and move on. Good luck with your little one :hugs:


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## teal

My son has never met his father so I do understand what you mean about not understanding how they can just walk away. I would just wait and drop him a text once baby is born and see what happens then. I sent an email when my son was born and heard nothing (my ex had changed his number by then!). He has your number so if he wants to get in contact he will. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and your little one will know how strong and amazing you are :hugs: xx


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## Rags

Yammas said:


> I just feel guilty sometimes and worry what he'll say to them if LO tracks him down in the future being told they weren't wanted I hope he's not that harsh.

Your dear child is going to know that you wanted and loved them very much from the moment you knew they were growing in you. Be honest with them when they ask you questions as they grow and resist the temptation to demonise the father and that will help them cope with whatever they find out from the father, or other people, in the future. My DS knows how he was made and that he will probably never meet the man who helped, all I can do is surround him with love from my side of the family and be here in the future if he needs me.


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## Yammas

Thank you for your support ladies I'd never bad mouth their dad but I just don't really know what to tell LO when they ask.


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## teal

Yammas said:


> Thank you for your support ladies I'd never bad mouth their dad but I just don't really know what to tell LO when they ask.

My LO is five and aso far hasn't asked but if/when he does I'll just explain to him that I love him very much but his father wasn't ready to be father (or something to that effect). Truth in it seeing as something isn't right if they can just walk away :hugs:


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## ClairAye

:hugs: My children's father walked away from them 8.5 months ago. I've discovered that you can't force someone to be a parent, I gave him so many chances but in the end he walked. When my children do ask, if they are still pretty young I'm just going to tell them that some families have a mum and dad/two dads/two mums/one dad/one mum and that it's perfectly normal to have any of these. Good luck to you! :flower:


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