# everyone told me i would be safe......



## millianaire

A week ago today i lost my baby boy nathan. 

i went into hospital with what i was told a kidney infection on saturday night, and came out on wednesday without a baby.... It all happened so fast , two days they werent worried about my pregnancy they didnt monitor nathan or scan me until they scanned my liver and baby at the same time and realised their was not enough fluid around him, he died 4 hours later..... 20+3 but stopped growing at 17weeks. 
so many questions no answers real pain i gave birth i held him, i took photos, i christened him and blessed him, took prints i sang to him, i had him with us for the night. I done everything and the pain is still there, i gave him the best send off i could when i say i i mean we, my partner was there the whole time. 
my partner wants to try again when we get the all clear i dont know if i can do labour again or anxiety of pregnancy this was our 1st naturally pregnancy after 5 miscarried clomid attempts.... im mentally and physically exhaused and running to thailand on saturday for three weeks to distract myself waiting for postmortem am i crazy? 
please tell me this pain gets easier, my sister in law is a benefit bum and she is due in decemember how am i going to cope with a newborn as my partner wants her here for xmas? 
someone please tell me how im suppose to feel and why im fine one minute and wanting to take my own life the next just to be with my baby boy again... why am i not crying all the time why am i shopping for clothes? i printed out all the photos yesterday as if it was another normal day... i want to speak to people about him and show him off but no one will every understand what my baby boy looks like in my eyes he would look like an alien to everyone else... he was so tiny but fully formed all fingers and toes 

my life feels like its not worth living right now i want him back i want answers but i dont want answers because i know someoone somewhere has messed up i know i had an infection and they did not catch it or treat it but what do i do to prove it how can i fight doctors and hospitals for neglect so that no one else has to suffer through my pain... im so sorry for everyone elses losses im being so selfish i just want time to go back to when i was 17 weeks please can someone make that happen?


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## BunnyN

:hugs:

So sorry for what you are going through. I know there are no words now that I can say that will make it all better. It will always hurt but in time the hurt wont be as overwhelming. I hope there will be some moments with your little boy you can remember with fondness. Did you give him a name? I am sure the photos of him are beautiful. We have a scan picture done at 10 weeeks of the baby we lost. It was so perfectly formed, just with no heartbeat. I still wish I could show that picture off like a proud mother but somehow it just feels awkward and strange. It is a comfort to have it though.


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## Myshelsong

First off I am so so sorry this happened to you. There are no words that will make this any better, and I am sorry for that too. The only thing that has helped me just wrap my brain about our loss, was to read about other people's losses as well. Just knowing that I was not alone, that someone did understand the grief and heartache I was feeling. It didn't turn those feelings off, but for some morbid reason made it sting less, Let me cry it out with those other mothers as I felt their grief I felt mine.

So here is my story. We tried for over five years to get pregnant, did 6 medicated IUI's and an IVF cycle and too our amazement I got a double line. First time in my life I was pregnant, it was a miracle. We were so happy until we weren't. It was a routine ultrasound, we had just had one done two weeks prior but we're moving onto an OB and they wanted one for their records. So at 21 weeks we got the horrible news that our son had passed in the womb, and it looked like it happened about a week prior. I had no complication or complaints, no cramps or discharge. My body had no clue. I have never felt so betrayed in my life, what did I do, what did I miss? 

I was induced and gave birth to our little guy the next day and said goodbye a few hours later. My husband couldn't bring himself to see him, so it was just me in the room with our angel. I didn't take any pictures, but I did get his foot and hand prints in a little box. We have his ashes and memory box on my bedside table and I have had a few days where I clutch the box and scream and cry into the room about how unfair it all is.

The one thing to remember is that this is a trauma, your body not only is going through postpartum hormones but it is grieving your baby. It is going to be awhile until you feel like a human being again. It is ok to be pissed and angry and sad and depressed at the same time, but if you are feeling like you are down so low life has no meaning anymore I would suggest a grief counsellor. Talk to your partner about how you feel. Write it down, start a journal.

I am so very very sorry for your loss, if you would like to talk privately just message me.


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## millianaire

wow what amazing replies, 

thankyou so much for sharing your stories, i was so mad and sad when i wrote my post it all just seems so surreal, it all happened so fast and there are just so many unanswered questions and a long time to wait for the postmortem. 
my little boy nathan had the best send off we could give him and we have all the memories we could of done with him, i have heard many stories out of the wood work since my tragic event but the problem is it will never take away my loss, i feel so sad for other stories and for anyone who has had full term losses i probably wouldnt be able to cope that far. my partner is a superhero i couldnt put one foot infront of the other if it wasnt for him. 

i am very lucky to have a great support system that will get me through it but right now i sit here and feel like i dont want to get through it i want to go back in time and change it to make t better, everyone kept saying to me to stop worrying i got past the 12 week mark the chances and next to nothing but i guess im one of the very unlucky ones, if i ever get pregnant again im not sure if i could cope properly with the amount of anxiety i have, not only does my body have to get over the traumatic effect labour left on my body my body and mind i also mourning the death of my baby so many things to try and 'get over' before i can move on

im so sorry for everyone else losses i wish this never happened to us but apparently god has a plan for us all or hes playing a sick game not sure which one yet. 
i just wish i knew my baby was safe and happy now from the suffering i feel he was in inside me due to stopping grow at 17 weeks but still fighting to 20 weeks 

my love and thoughts to you all 

G x


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## Twag

:hugs: I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Nathan :hugs: there are no words that will make this better for you just wanted to send you some :hug:


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## OnErth&InHvn

Why are you feeling that way and is it normal? Yes its VERY normal!! Grief makes you do "crazy" things. There will be moments of crying, anger, normalcy. There will be moments when you spit fire at other people for your loss. There will be moments you dont want to get out of bed. 

YOU WILL MAKE IT THOUGH. :hugs::hugs:

ETA: You dont have to " get over" anything. No one should make you feel that way. Its also ok to have anxiety about a new pregnancy. :hugs:


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## klabro

First of all I wan to say I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that all of the emotions are completely normal and your grief will continue to change every day. Some days I really felt how I did before any of it happened and some days I was a mess crying at anything and everything. It is all normal. 
I delivered my twins alive at 21 weeks because my cervix thinned out. There was absolutely nothing wrong with them and it was heartbreaking. The only thing that helps heal is time. As for the anxiety of another pregnancy, it is very real. I am 18 weeks into my pregnancy after the loss now and I can tell you that I do feel joy, but it is harder to connect. The innocence of a first problem free pregnancy is gone. However, with each week that passes I feel a little better. Just give yourself time. You may not be ready right now, but in time you will start to think about pregnancy again and it wont sound so awful, or at least the fear wont seem so overwhelming anymore. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I'm here if you ever need to talk.


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## Left wonderin

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy , I'm sure he was beautiful xxxxxxx


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## Ashaford

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is something I wish no one had to endure. 

I went into labor at 16w5d. I had a very large subchorionic hematoma that my doctor didn't take seriously. She just kept saying "lots of women have them and have healthy babies." What she didn't say was that the bigger they are the more likely you will go into pre-term labor. I landed in the ER with contractions and lots of bleeding on a Sunday. My doctor was out of town. The ultrasound showed our little boy was doing just fine. Plenty of fluid, moving and kicking, and a healthy heartbeat. 4 hours later I delivered him, still in his amniotic sac. He was still alive but for some reason my body just couldn't hold onto him. 

This all happened in May. My husband was at a loss. I was just sad all the time. I couldn't be around pregnant women or even friends with small children. It took 4 months for me to feel like myself again. My little boy's due date is Friday - Some of those feelings are coming back. Why me? Why him?

All that to say - It gets better. the pain never goes away but it just gets more manageable. My sister sent me this quote from the movie The Rabbit Hole. It holds true today. I still carry him with me and it's fine. 



Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.


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## Myshelsong

Ashaford said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is something I wish no one had to endure.
> 
> I went into labor at 16w5d. I had a very large subchorionic hematoma that my doctor didn't take seriously. She just kept saying "lots of women have them and have healthy babies." What she didn't say was that the bigger they are the more likely you will go into pre-term labor. I landed in the ER with contractions and lots of bleeding on a Sunday. My doctor was out of town. The ultrasound showed our little boy was doing just fine. Plenty of fluid, moving and kicking, and a healthy heartbeat. 4 hours later I delivered him, still in his amniotic sac. He was still alive but for some reason my body just couldn't hold onto him.
> 
> This all happened in May. My husband was at a loss. I was just sad all the time. I couldn't be around pregnant women or even friends with small children. It took 4 months for me to feel like myself again. My little boy's due date is Friday - Some of those feelings are coming back. Why me? Why him?
> 
> All that to say - It gets better. the pain never goes away but it just gets more manageable. My sister sent me this quote from the movie The Rabbit Hole. It holds true today. I still carry him with me and it's fine.
> 
> 
> 
> Becca: Does it ever go away?
> Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
> Becca: How?
> Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be aweful - not all the time. It's kinda... not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And... it doesn't go away. Which is...
> Becca: Which is what?
> Nat: Fine, actually.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you all the love this Friday.
Thank you so much for this quote, it is beautiful.


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## BunnyN

I agree that is a lovely quote.


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## Left wonderin

I agree too and its more than fine it doesn't go away as you will find that you will want to remember as it gives testimony to your son . 
Its not ok now ,your not ok now but trust that you will be .
For now just do what you need to do to get through each hour ,each day . You are grieveing and will go though every emotion . Its normal so don't let it scare you. Scream when you have to , cry , hide under the duvet whatever it takes to get through .

One day you will notice you smiled without having to think about it , then a laugh will come . One day you will notice " oh today wasn't too bad .... Then over time and slowly you will notice that the good days start outweighing the bad and the pain becomes bearable and not so raw . 

You will never ever forget and you won't want to . Remember Nathan on his special days . He will live on in your heart forever in a very special way , will always be your first born and your son xxxxxx


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## millianaire

I lay there at night and me and my partner both say goodnight to nathan, everyday i try and distract myself from the pain that i have been through, my friend msged me and told me her story of a fullterm still birth, it really put nathan into perspective, even though my loss was/is hardi couldnt imagine how i would of done full term loss my heart breaks thinking about it, the quote was lovely.... and i don't know how you have all managed to stay so strong i have amazing support around me. I think the hardest part for me is the waiting for post mortem results now to find out if my little boy suffered or whether it was me, i may never get the results i want but at least i can have a bit of closure and concentrate on the next step whether it be trying again or having to look to adopt. Im not going to give up my fight for a family sometimes it just feels like god is telling me i dont deserve one and i dont know why i dont have a career i love my job just plod along i have holidays every year but is that enough for a lifetime? and probably get married one day. thankyou all for your support today is a better day from when i first wrote this post, i will be flying to thailand on saturday for a distraction break im sure the 15hour flight will give me plenty of time to think about my little angel in the sky. Do you ladies say your a angel mum? do you consider these losses as children? a mean person i know said 'its not really a baby though its a fetus' heartbreaker i know just wanted to know what your opinions are???:hugs::hugs::hugs::cloud9:


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## Ashaford

I am glad to hear you are feeling better. I hope you enjoy your time in Thailand. Just be patient with yourself. Know that you have thousands of women to comfort you if you need it. A friend gave me a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" - it's a daily devotional that helps you along the way. It really helped me get through some of the tough times.

Regarding your question about angel moms, I believe you are a mother as soon as you see that positive pregnancy test. You immediately change the way you eat, sleep and maybe even exercise. You are caring for a little person growing inside you. I think most people that think of our babies as a "fetus" are either male or have never experienced the joy of pregnancy. I am a proud mother of an angel.


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## StillPraying

As Dr. Suess once wrote, "A person's a person, no matter how small." 

I lost my son at 15 weeks. I refer to him as my son, because even though he was only with me for 15 weeks, he was mine and I knew him. I felt like God was punishing me for something, and still sometimes feel that way. But I have started to come to terms with that. 

You most definitely are a mother, even if your babies are not here on this earth.


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## Left wonderin

Your son was most definetly a baby , a person , your son . You are a mum ,


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## BunnyN

I agree. You are a mum as soon as you see the positive test. I think a loss is a loss no matter at what point it happens. There are things that must be so much harder about a full term loss for example but there are also things that are hard about a first or second tri loss. I think in some ways the earlier your loss the less people understand and the lonelier it can feel. I am blessed with two children who are 3.5 and 1.5. Of course your love grows as they grow and you get to know them and spend time with them. I cant imagine loosing one of them but I don't think anyone who looses a child as a 3 year old or 15 year old wishes that they had never been born. They are devistated but thankful for the time they had. It is like trying to compare which is harder, grieving the loss of your newly wed husband or the loss of your husband of 50 years, both are tragic and you deserve to grieve. Our loss was only at 10 weeks and we never got to see the baby except on a scan but it was very much a baby to me. Having children already is a great comfort to me and I am grateful for them but it doesnt take away the loss of our baby. In some ways it even reminds me of what we are missing and what 'should' have been. I still cry about our losses sometimes and I didn't even make it to second tri with them.

Sorry I am rambling. I think I just want to say you are a mother who lost your baby and you deserve to grieve. Dont try minimise your loss or let other people's lack of understanding make you feel like you are overreacting. Your body and emotions have both been through a lot and you are still going through it. There really is no right way to feel. You just have to take it one day at a time. You will have good days and bad days. Its great that you already have days that feel a bit better. There will probably still be days that feel even worse. Gradually there are more good days than bad ones and eventually they will be mostly good ones. I found I even resented feeling better, like it was a sign I was forgetting about our baby but you will never forget and you will always grieve its just that the grief becomes more manageable and you can feel sadness without it taking over your life and without it stopping you from being a happy person.


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## Myshelsong

I also have a hard time wrapping my head around if I am a mother or not. There are moments I truly felt like one, I loved my baby so much but there is nothing here to physically love, so I am confused at how to feel. Right now I think it is ok to not know who I am yet. I will work that out as I go along, that is the last thing that I need to worry about.

I honestly don't know how I have gotten through this month. If I didn't have my support system, I don't think I could have.


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## OnErth&InHvn

I consider them my children. <3 

:hugs:


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## millianaire

Hello. Ladies I'm in Thailand on my distraction break and guess what it's not very distracting my heart just wants to go and mourn in England he is all I think about, I want answers what happens once pm comes back and there not the answers I want.... Or expect? What do I expect? What questions do I need answering is this one of life's cruel plans or did the hospital fuck up? I feel like I'm losing the plot with all the questions and try not to mention it to my partner but everyday his name comes up..... I can't forget him and everyone wants me to.... I cried so hard the other day thinking my little man has been cremated and we weren't there it was our decision to say goodbye to him when we walked away from the hospital..... I really don't feel like I can't ever change the pain I'm feeling when I think about my first baby gone.... Why is this happening to us to me? What have I don't to deserve this? Why didn't I feel he was in trouble? What signs were there? I was meant to protect him not hurt him now I don't know if he will ever forgive me , specially if we try again how can I? 

I'm aching mentally and physically please someone tell me this gets easier

3 weeks yesterday :( not that I'm counting .... Not so happy holidays knowing I have to come back to it all xxx


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## Myshelsong

I just want to give you a hug, but you are half a world away. So I hope you can feel the love.

It has been 6 weeks for me and I can honestly say the first three weeks I was drowning in grief. I couldn't feel anything unless it was sadness, I could barley put one foot in front of each other. I cried every day, some times hysterically sometimes just silent tears streaming down my face as I drive.
I just want to say that what you are feeling is 100% ok and normal. Not having answers is hard and sometimes too much to handle.
I don't have any answers for you with what happened, but you don't deserve this. None of us deserved this, this was the worst thing ever and there was nothing you could do. I know wrapping my head around the fact that I couldn't do anything, he was gone before we knew is the hardest thing. The guilt that I didn't know he was in trouble, that I didn't save him.... six weeks later, my rational mind has helped heal my guilt, but my heart is still broken. But I does get easier. There are bad days but there are good days coming as well. Just keep your chin above water in the mean time.

Good luck


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## millianaire

Myshelsong said:


> I just want to give you a hug, but you are half a world away. So I hope you can feel the love.
> 
> It has been 6 weeks for me and I can honestly say the first three weeks I was drowning in grief. I couldn't feel anything unless it was sadness, I could barley put one foot in front of each other. I cried every day, some times hysterically sometimes just silent tears streaming down my face as I drive.
> I just want to say that what you are feeling is 100% ok and normal. Not having answers is hard and sometimes too much to handle.
> I don't have any answers for you with what happened, but you don't deserve this. None of us deserved this, this was the worst thing ever and there was nothing you could do. I know wrapping my head around the fact that I couldn't do anything, he was gone before we knew is the hardest thing. The guilt that I didn't know he was in trouble, that I didn't save him.... six weeks later, my rational mind has helped heal my guilt, but my heart is still broken. But I does get easier. There are bad days but there are good days coming as well. Just keep your chin above water in the mean time.
> 
> Good luck

Hello darling, thank you for your reply, I feel the love and the hug sent from a far and I respond the same way, I feel like I have been very strong through this but when the upset comes it comes so so strong like I can't control the outbursts and the pain and I sit their hating myself and my life but it lasts up to about 2 hours before I start fighting my own feelings. I just don't understand with all the modern technology out their and hospital tests and ultra scans ect how no one picks up these problems or can find patterns with these types of things yet.... We have a really long road ahead to deal with it all but leading on my friends and family I feel like I'm just going on an on about it.... Add me on fb if u need someone to talk to Hun (gina hare) pic of me and my partner both with sunglasses on in front of a building with pond xx


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## Left wonderin

3 weeks is no time at all . The loss of your LO is still so raw and painful and will be for a while yet . There is no miricle cure but over time you wil begin to feel better that I promise . 
You are not "going on" about your baby , you are grieveing . Anyone who doesn't understand that can go and jump !!! Be kind to yourself you sound like your being really hard on you ... You will heal but it will take time xxxxxx


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## Left wonderin

I remember when the Inital pain went I was left feeling soooo angry at the world for ages .


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## millianaire

Thankyou, I do feel like I'm
Being hard on myself but that's because I feel like the rest of world just want me to 'get over it' already and start looking forward I feel so resentful of the people who keep telling me how I
Should feel these are the same people that told me 'ur past 12 weeks the chances are super slim stop worrying and enjoy ur pregnancy be happy' I know little did we all know I had a right to be anxious.... grief is a choice I have also been told I can let it take over my life or fight strong and see a different light at the end of the tunnel... all I want is to stop hurting the people I love around me by exciting them with a baby then snatching it away they don't deserve it either.... I wish I knew what was meant to be or going to be because this road had been long and I'm
Tired of it same questions same results same boring conversations about infertility ect maybe this is someone's way of telling me that I'm not meant to have children maybe this time I should listen and just give up 

Love to all
You fighters out there you have been great with me....


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## BunnyN

I agree 3 weeks isnt any time. It is good not to let grief take over your life but 3 weeks of grieving isnt the same as taking over your life. It is reasonable and healthy that you are still grieving. Pushing your feelings under the carpet, bottling it up and putting on a happy face all the time is more likely to cause you long term harm IMO. Feeling better is a gradual proccess. I cried every day for weeks after our loss and it was at 10 weeks so I didnt go though everything you did. Honestly it took 4 or 5 months before I really began to feel myself again and could really enjoy life again. At about 2-3 weeks after was probably the hardest time for me. It was when the shock of what had happened began to wear off and I wasnt walking around in a daze anymore, I had to get back to facing real life and felt sooo not ready for it but everyone else seemed to be forgetting and thinking I should be okay now. From there I began feeling better step by step. I still feel sad sometimes and cry sometimes about it but it hasnt taken over my life.

Your baby deserves to be grieved. Dont let other people hurry you. I am sure they just care about you and worry about you but you do need to grieve. Grieving is part of moving on.


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## millianaire

Hello, 

I know grieving is going to take time, it's the nightmares I can't handle I feel like my body was letting me down being infertile for 6 years an now this, how do you know if your meant to have kids or not naturally, how do u know when or if u should try again.... I am very lucky I have a lot of support I just miss being pregnant and knowing he was growing inside me :( I don't miss the attention of being pregnant and I feel like if I ever fell again I would never tell anyone until baby born so that I don't have to listen to people telling me stories or stressing me out about how I should feel, I miss him so much he's left me feeling like shamu in Thailand so have constant reminder he was there.... Now I have to deal with my sister in law giving birth in December talk about a kick in the teeth :( how the hell in gunna deal with a new born is beyond me.... :(

Thinking of you all ladies always here if u want to chat xxx


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## BunnyN

A newborn is going to be hard to deal with so soon. Hugs


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## Left wonderin

I had to deal with something similar when I had my mmc at almost 13 weeks . My sister had her baby girl on the 5th of December and I started spotting on the 20th . Got checked out saw baby and hb all ok ... Went back on the 22nd for routine scan.. No hb. Had dnc on Christmas Eve . Had Christmas dinner with my sister so had to deal with baby . I was dreading it !!!! But to my SUPRISE / shock I was drawn to the baby when I got through the door . I held her most of the day and people left me to it . I feel it in a strange way actually helped me to grieve and say goodbye to my baby . I couldn't hold her tightly enough !


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## Myshelsong

I am sorry you ar having nightmares, thankfully I have not had any yet. But I have had a few dreams of me as a mother with my baby, waking up to the reality is not great.

Freaking infertility, I feel the same way, it has been five years for us of infertility and tests and procedures. The struggle is real, do we have kids, do we try again, do we adopt?
We have already completed the adoption paperwork and checks and classes but we are putting actually pulling the trigger on hold until we complete the IVFs. We have three embryos left so we are going to give it another go. I am still in shock that this actually happened to us, but every day honestly gets a little better.


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