# Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do



## heatherr

I have a major issues going on and am really scared to talk about it with anyone I know! 

I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago. I have not told anyone yet. I don't know how far along I am. I took 2 tests at home and they were both positive. Could they be wrong? Is there any way to get a false positive? I put in the date I think my last period was and an online calculator says I am 11 weeks pregnant. I can't believe I could be that far along. 

I met this guy over the summer. We got along really well and were hanging out a lot. I found out he was 22 and I lied to him and told him I was 19. We sort of dated casually and had sex. Before him, I'd only had sex with one other person and he was my age. I just really liked the guy, but didn't plan on it going very far. I wasn't thinking when I lied to him, I just figured he obviously wouldn't want anything to do with me if he knew I was 17. I started to feel weird about lying to him and keeping it a secret from my parents and everything, so when school started back up I just made up excuses as to why I didn't want to see him anymore. I haven't seen him in several weeks.

I am FREAKING out. I don't know what to do. I was not on birth control, but we always used condoms. Sometimes he'd go in me without a condom and put one on later. I stil can't believe I could have got pregnant from that. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone. I don't want to tell my parents. I'm always so paranoid that they've found out somehow. I just need some sort of advice. I am trying to tell one of my friends in real life, but she was mad at me when I told her I was having sex with him. I don't want to admit to her that this happened.


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## MummyMana

I think your best first move would be to make a doctors appointment. Regardless of how you feel about telling people, you need to make sure your baby is healthy! Especially if you could be as far along as you think, you will be due your first scan soon!

Secondly, address telling people. Maybe wait until after your scan, but you will need to tell people at some point. You may be able to hide a pregnancy, but sooner or later you will stop being pregnant and start having a baby. Pretty hard to hide lol.

You should probably also talk to the man, he has a right to know he's gonna be a dada :) and you're gonna have to start being honest with him too :/

Congratulations btw :)


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## heatherr

I don't even know what to do about making a doctors appointment. I can't afford to pay for it and my family has insurance but I'm sure my parents will find out if I use the insurance card. I know they always send us notices in the mail after we go to the doctor, but I guess I could try to get it before they see it. 

I can't imagine myself having a baby. I don't know if I can be a mom right now. I don't want to have a baby like this, with someone I lied to.

I don't know how to tell my parents. They have no idea I've even had sex and they definitely don't know about this guy.


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## ClairAye

When I fell pregnant with my son I was just turning 17 and FOB was 22.

I just agree with Mana, you need to tell the dad and you should probably just tell your parents so you can get to the doctors and not sneak around them, as you can't be sure you will get that letter before them, though surely it doesn't say exactly what you went to the doctors for? (I'm in the UK so it's different here) If it only says that you saw a doctor and not what for then why not just go and speak to a doctor before telling anyone? Surely your parents don't need to know why you went? I think you need to speak to this guy though, he has the right to know! Good luck. :)


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## heatherr

I think every time we go to the doctor for anything we get a letter that states what it was for and what our charges are and other stuff about how it applies to the deductible on the insurance. I only know this because a few months ago I went to the doctor for a routine preventative exam, which is supposed to be free on our insurance, and they sent us a letter that said what the appointment was for and they had incorrectly charged us. I don't really know all of the info that is on there for sure though. 

I'm sort of thinking of not telling the guy at all. Maybe it'd be easier that way. I sort of want to tell him just so maybe he can help me figure out what to do, but at the same time I'm not sure if I want him to know. I don't want to tell him that I'm pregnant, let alone that I'm really 17 and still in high school.


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## ClairAye

But that is his child too and I believe he has a right to know that you are pregnant with his baby. Not meaning to be harsh but you have to stand up to your lies and tell the truth. Actions and consequences. It's not fair on him if you don't tell him.


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## ClairAye

And honestly I wasn't saying that to be mean :hugs: I know it can't be an easy situation!


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## heatherr

I know you didn't mean it to be mean. It's my fault for lying to him in the first place. I just didn't think this would happen and I'd ever have to tell him the truth. Part of me was thinking about just not telling him because it'd make it easier for him not knowing. I don't know if that'd be selfish or not. I just feel like chances of him wanting to have a child right now, especially with me, are very slim, so maybe I should just not bother him with it. 

But I know if my parents find out they will want to know who the father is and then I'd have to lie to them and say I didn't know or something. No option really seems good.


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## ClairAye

It would be very selfish IMO, towards him and your child growing up without it's dad. You don't know how he will react, so it would be awful if he was willing to step up but he had a child he will never know about. If you tell him and he doesn't come around, it's his loss but he may come around to it all, you have to take the chance!

Telling the truth will be so hard but eventually it will settle down, unlike if you keep the lies up, it wouldn't be good for anyone. :(


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## MummyMana

I think you need to stop lying tbh, it hasn't done you very well so far. If they ask who the father is, you can just say your ex boyfriend. It's not a lie, and it's not as bad as saying you don't know.

As for telling him, you have to think, not only does he deserve the chance to be a father, but your child deserves a chance to have a dad. Even if he doesn't instantly drop to one knew, you should at least have the capacity to be civil with him for the sake of the kid :) have a heartfelt conversation with him, tell him your sorry for lying, tell him about the baby, that you don't expect anything from him for yourself, but your child would really like to have a daddy in his/her life! Even if it's just a visit once or twice a week :)


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## Candykisses

First of all, congratulations :hugs:

I think the advice you've been given here is really good and I definitely agree that you should really consider telling the father. I know it seems tough but he may be able to provide you with some support; he may be shocked about your age and about the baby but he is involved too. 

Big hugs :hugs:


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## heatherr

If I tell my parents the father is my ex boyfriend they won't know who I'm talking about. They will probably think I'm talking about the boyfriend I had before this guy. That's the only one they know about. That won't be enough for them, they'll want more information.

I guess the other issue is that I don't know if I will keep the baby. If I don't plan to keep it I don't feel like I would have to tell him. Or I guess I just tell him I'm pregnant and not keeping, that way he can't say he never knew.


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## ClaRav

I would tell him first. How do you know he's going to react badly? Once he knows he's going to be a daddy he may just accept it and forgive you for lying. I met my partner when I was 17 and he was 24. I'm now nearly 21 and we are still together. I don't really think your age gap is that major. Once you've told him hopefully he will support you & it will be easier to tell family. Even if they fly off the handle I'm sure they will love little one once he / she arrives. You also need to get some medical care asap to ensure everything is going well in your pregnancy. Being a mummy is an amazing feeling, and trust me you will cope. Everyone finds their own way. Good luck xx


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## heatherr

You're right, ClaRav, I don't actually know how he'll react. I don't think he will be happy about any of it, but I won't know unless I tell him.


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## MummyMana

Maybe if you write him a letter then you can get it all down in a composed way, then give it to him in person :)


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## heatherr

Yeah, a letter might be a good idea. I just worry that telling him I'm actually 17 will make him mad, but telling I'm pregnant first will upset him too, so I don't know where to start. Maybe writing it down all at once will be better.


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## Breeelizabeth

First of all, congrats! I'm Briana and I'm 19 and 25wks pregnant. So I know how you're feeling. 

You need to be honest, with your parents and with the father, it's easier said than done. I was told I couldn't have kids and told my little one's dad that, then I had to tell him I was pregnant. I dreaded how he would react. I sent him a text and told him straight out what was going on. He wasn't happy, but he was somewhat supportive. Even now, he's still strange about it but he has agreed to meet his daughter once she's born. So he'll come around babe - and even if he doesn't it shows that you're better off without him. 

As far as doctors appointments go, have you considered seeing family planning? I'm not in America so I'm not sure if they charge to insurance or what the age restrictions are but it's worth having a look into if you're not quite ready to tell your parents. Do you have another adult friend that you trust who you could talk to? 
As far as telling your parent's who the babies dad is just tell them it's an ex. I told mine straight out that he wasn't someone I wanted around baby and that I didn't want to speak about him and they respected that (mostly:haha:) You do need to see a doctor, especially if you think you could be 11 weeks.

Good luck hun, pm me if you ever need to talk xxx


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## ClairAye

I agree with writing a letter, it seems like a good idea in your situation so he can't walk away and not hear it all if he does get mad.


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## heatherr

So, I decided I am definitely going to tell the dad, but I'm trying to determine who I should tell first. I don't know which will be worse - him or my parents. Also, do you think it's ok to not tell him in person or should I do it face to face, even if it's giving him a letter?

I just keep telling myself I'll just do it, but then I start over thinking it.


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## MummyMana

I think it's best to do it face to face, I'd just do it and get it over with so you don't have to keep thinking about it. Do it today! I'd probably tell him first, you never know he might help you tell your parents :)


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## ClairAye

I agree with Mana! Face to face is the hardest but best way IMO :) Good luck! :flower:


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## Breeelizabeth

I actually disagree with the PP's, I think that face-to-face isn't always the best way. Sending a text was the best way _for me_. It meant I could get everything out there without being interrupted or yelled at and had an opportunity to explain everything I had too. When I did talk to him in person he didn't want to listen to a word I had to say about why I wanted to keep bubs. It was much easier through text - and he actually took it in (cause he could look over my reasons whenever he wanted too)

Again, it's whatever works for you and what you're comfortable with. I'm not saying do it one way or do it another. Just giving you my experience :)


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## heatherr

I called him to see if we could talk, thinking I might just tell him that way, but he said he was busy and would call me back. I know if if I will tell him when he calls back. I planned to try to see if he would meet me somewhere, but when I think about being face to face with him I don't know if I will actually be able to admit to everything. I'm thinking I might just text him everything (I was already thinking that before I read the most recent reply, btw).


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## MummyMana

Did you do it? How did it go?


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## CathiiNoo

Congrats hun. I know you're in a difficult situation, I had to help my best friend through it when she found out she was pregnant at 17. It's an emotional roller coaster. But first things first, your baby's daddy has the right to know he has a child growing, then you together can discuss as to whether you gonna keep baba or not. I personally think you will regret it if you make a rash decision before thinking it through. You will learn to manage, every baby is a miracle. I hope everything turns out okay for you and I'm sure your parents will come around especially when they see their little grandson or grand daughter. Just know, it's not the end of the world having a baby. My best friend managed to finish school, get a food job, her license etc even with a child and without her parents help really. Be strong xx


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## atleastthree

heatherr said:


> So, I decided I am definitely going to tell the dad, but I'm trying to determine who I should tell first. I don't know which will be worse - him or my parents. Also, do you think it's ok to not tell him in person or should I do it face to face, even if it's giving him a letter?
> 
> I just keep telling myself I'll just do it, but then I start over thinking it.

Well done for making this decision - it's never too late to do the right thing! As women we often feel like they are our children more than theirs, but that's not true - a child has 2 parents and needs them both equally. I agree that face to face is best, coz that way you know he really got the message.


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## happybeany

Good luck hun. Have you told him? He might be willing to step up and be a great dad if you give him the chance.xx


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## heatherr

I told him everything over the phone. First I told him that I was pregnant because I figured he probably wouldn't hang up on me right away over that. He didn't really say much at first, but then just asked me a lot of questions like when I found out, how far along I was, etc. When I told him I think I'm 11-12 weeks, he seemed really freaked out. Then I told him the worst part - that I'm 17. I mean, I know a baby is bigger than that, but I was more embarrassed to tell him that I had been lying to him. His first response was "You're f%*king kidding me." Then he just said oh my god a bunch of times and that he didn't know how to react. Then he questioned if everything else I had told him was true and if I was sure the baby is his. Then he said he felt gross knowing he was sleeping with a girl in high school. I told him I hadn't told my parents yet and I didn't know anything for sure since I haven't been to the doctor. He wasn't much help there, just said that was great so he can deal with this news and wait for my parents to show up and kill him. He said he couldn't handle it right now and had to go and would call me back.


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## Eidson23

Give him time...you dropped a pretty big bomb on him, and men's brains don't work the same way as us. As for your parents, If my highly christian republican mother can accept that I got pregnant at 17 and then came out as gay at 23 and married a woman at 25 who's now pregnant with our first child together...then your parents will be able to deal with it. Of course every situation is different, and they might be mad and disappointed at first...but they also *may* surprise you. Just give it time. They deserve to know and may be more hurt that you didn't tell them sooner.


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## skyesmom

good job for telling him.

i also agree, don't worry about his initial reaction - you've dropped two big bombs on him, confessed you lied to him and it is normal for a person to doubt all your words, if you've lied for a while about something and then disappeared without a trace and then called him back to say you're pregnant.

he'll come around but leave him time. 

now it's time you face your parents and/or get a doctor's visit asap as you're around 12 weeks by now and you need a check up.

also, when you tell your parents, i'd be honest about everything so at least everything is out on the table - and by this i mean, tell them that you've lied to him about your age and about still being in high school. so that they don't see him as some prick who has seduced their innocent teen daughter and then left. this will just make your future relationship more difficult, have them hate him unnecessarily and so on. 

i say this as both your parents and him are gonna be a part of your and babies life for good, so it's way better to start that relationship with open cards and clean bill, rather than lies and unresolved doubts they bring hanging here and there around.


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## MummyMana

Well done for telling him! You did good :) I'm sure he will come around, about the age thing as well as the baba :) after all, it's not as if you told him you are 15, it's not like you were underage or anything, it could be worse!

I agree that you should be completely honest with your parents - put an end to the lies!

Seeing as you think.you could be quite far along, I really think you should get a drs appointment asap! I'd suggest inviting the dada along to it, that way he can see for himself that the pregnancy at least is true, and also feel involved :)


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## CathiiNoo

Well done for coming clean to him. I hope him and your parents surprise you with accepting baby.


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## ClairAye

Well done! Hopefully he comes around soon! :hugs:


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## northern_me

Good work! I can only imagine the anxiety you are dealing with.

I promise you it isn't going to be as bad as you think if you tell your parents. Despite what their first reaction may be, they are your biggest allies in this.


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## RubyRedLips

Heather, I'm just seeing this thread now and I wish I'd chimed in earlier. Sounds like you've been dealing with a lot of tough stuff for a teenager. 

Right now, the most important thing you can do is be seen by a medical professional. If you can't face telling your parents yet and are unable to visit your regular doctor, please find a Planned Parenthood clinic in your area. You need to be examined by a doctor and now is the time to make some very important decisions for yourself and the baby you're carrying. At Planned Parenthood (or a similar organization in your area) you can talk through your options with someone who's trained to assist women in your situation. Good luck to you in whatever you decide!

And I should add: If you haven't done so already, go to a drug store and purchase some prenatal vitamins and begin taking them daily.


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## heatherr

Thanks for all of the support.

When I tell my parents I will definitely tell them the entire truth because I don't want them to completely blame the guy and be even more upset with him than they already will be. Earlier today I thought I might tell them tonight. I have a tummy now where I never had one before. I am always paranoid that my mom is looking at me weird, like she knows something is going on. I try to avoid being alone with her because I feel she'll ask me. I bet if she really knew she would have said something already. I just couldn't tell them tonight. I got too nervous. 

I talked to the father and he said I have to tell my parents NOW. I asked him what I should do and he said he didn't know, he's still processing it all - it's all he can think about, but he can't make me do anything and doesn't want to make me do anything. So, he isn't much help.

I thought I found a good solution and that I would just go to Planned Parenthood for now because I honestly don't know if I can tell my parents any time soon. I went to their site and it looks like the closest one is over 100 miles away.


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## Eidson23

I promise, it won't get any easier as time goes on. You need to tell them ASAP. These are your parents. Do you really think they're going to throw their pregnant 17 y/o daughter out on the street? The worst thing that could happen is they get angry. You can't tell me your parents haven't been angry at you before, even had full blown screaming matches? They will eventually *have* to come to terms with it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life. The sooner the better, because it's only going to get harder and give them less time to process it.


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## MummyMana

It,sounds to me like the father is being pretty good! 

Honestly, I'd just go up to your mum and say "I've got a bit of need for you" if you act positive you are more likely to get a positive reaction. I think the hardest part for you will be telling them that you lied to the father, but you have learned from that so make sure you let them know that :)

Everyone is right that the sooner the better, especially if it is the only way to get medical attention.

It's great that you and the dad have been keeping contact, really! Especially considering how you thought he'd react!


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## skyesmom

i agree he sounds pretty promising :) despite the shock and still taking it all in. and i agree with the previous poster, approach them upfront, and the sooner you do the better. 

if you think your mom has noticed something, well.. maybe she did. moms have a 6th sense sometimes. and if she did, maybe it is tough for her to break the silence as well and she sees you behaving strange (ie avoiding being alone with her)... so the sooner you spit it out, the easier it will be, at least it's out there and you can start making a plan and considering your options all together.

good luck!!


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## LeahLou

Just wanted to stop by and say, you're doing great and will be fine! Congratulations feels funny to hear at first until you're ready to celebrate. 
I got pregnant at 19 with a guy I had dated in the past but had broken up with and hooked up with one night. It was a really sucky situation because he was abusive and my parents HATED him and didn't know 1) I was even sexually active 2) that I was seeing him somewhat again. 
Now I have a healthy 3 year old, married to an amazing man and trying for our 2nd!
Life throws curve balls but depending on what you do with what you're given, it can be the best thing that's ever happened! 
Keep us updated and know you have a ton of support on here!


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## heatherr

Eidson23 said:


> I promise, it won't get any easier as time goes on. You need to tell them ASAP. These are your parents. Do you really think they're going to throw their pregnant 17 y/o daughter out on the street? The worst thing that could happen is they get angry. You can't tell me your parents haven't been angry at you before, even had full blown screaming matches? They will eventually *have* to come to terms with it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life. The sooner the better, because it's only going to get harder and give them less time to process it.

It's not that I think they will kick me out. My parents aren't like that. Yeah my parents have been mad at me before, but I've never done anything like this. I'm such a "good girl" all the time. I've never given them any reason to worry and I'm usually always responsible. It's just how angry and disappointed in me they'll be. I just feel like it'll be really awkward once they know. I'm like the perfect daughter in their eyes.


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## KFrey

Hi Heather,
I have been following your posts and not chimed in yet because I never knew what to say. For starters, you are human and you make mistakes and you will always be your parents little girl. You are right that it will probably be awkward at first but I think you might be surprised of their reaction... or maybe their "after reaction" reaction... because they are human too and may not react the best. By the way you describe them, they sound like great people who really care and love you.

Everything will be okay and I think you will feel a lot better once you tell them. It is really important that you see a doctor ASAP. I don't think I would be able to tell both parents at the same time... I would probably do it one at a time or tell my mom and she would help tell my dad. That's what I did with my daughter and I was 26. 

Good luck to you hun! You are strong and can do this! Whatever "this" might be to you.


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## Feronia

Hi heatherr, it's unfortunate that you don't have a Planned Parenthood near you. Can you search around to see whether there are other options for pro-choice clinics? When I was a teen, I went to a free clinic in California that did not tell parents anything you didn't want them to know, and they offered a variety of options in terms of reproductive health and free contraception. There might be something like that in your area.


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## Eidson23

heatherr said:


> Eidson23 said:
> 
> 
> I promise, it won't get any easier as time goes on. You need to tell them ASAP. These are your parents. Do you really think they're going to throw their pregnant 17 y/o daughter out on the street? The worst thing that could happen is they get angry. You can't tell me your parents haven't been angry at you before, even had full blown screaming matches? They will eventually *have* to come to terms with it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life. The sooner the better, because it's only going to get harder and give them less time to process it.
> 
> It's not that I think they will kick me out. My parents aren't like that. Yeah my parents have been mad at me before, but I've never done anything like this. I'm such a "good girl" all the time. I've never given them any reason to worry and I'm usually always responsible. It's just how angry and disappointed in me they'll be. I just feel like it'll be really awkward once they know. I'm like the perfect daughter in their eyes.Click to expand...

I understand that, of course. I was the same exact way. I am also the most like my mother out of 4 kids, so when I got pregnant she was disappointed, but she also became my strongest supporter. Honestly, she handled me being pregnant so young better than she did me coming out as gay. It'll be tough to get it out there, but I promise, if they are the type of parents I think they are, they are going to support you even if they are disappointed.


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## heatherr

I think I'm officially the worst daughter ever now. So I have been working up to telling my parents for nearly a month now, since I found out. I have been trying to figure out howto say it and when, but every time I try I just can't do it. So a few hours ago I was in the shower and decided I was just going to come out and say it. So after I got out of the shower and got dressed and everything I just went downstairs and said "Well, I'm pregnant." My parents and sister were both just sitting there and I blurted it out. I don't think they even realized what I said for a minute. They thought I was joking. I showed them my stomach and told them to look, I wasn't lying. My dad just had a shocked look on his face and my mom almost immediately started to cry. Then my dad was like "What the hell do you mean you're pregnant?!" I told them I took 2 tests like a month ago, and that surprised them even more and when I told them I think I'm 12 weeks they were even more mad and my dad continued to yell and asked if I was planning to tell them when I was giving birth. My mom said she did know something was going on with me, but she didn't think something like this - so I was right about that. She knows I don't like to talk about things, so she didn't push it because she never thought it was something this serious. Then like I'm a little baby myself they sent me to my room, I guess because they couldn't even look at me. That's how it felt at least. They didn't even ask me any other questions at that point, which surprised me. Then when I was in my room I could hear my mom crying downstairs. So then they told me to come talk to them and of course they asked me who the father was. I had to tell them the truth. I'm trying not to lie to anyone anymore. So, I told them that I sort of dated this guy over the summer and I lied to him about my age. They freaked out over that. My just kept getting more and more upset and yelling at me, about how stupid I was, what was I thinking, all that stuff. I kept telling them I was sorry, but they wouldn't even accept that. So, I just sort of ran back to my room and they haven't talked to me since.


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## Eidson23

I'm sorry it's so hard :cry: it is going to be hard for a while...but you did the right thing. I can already tell you're going to be a good mother *and* I promise your parents will come around. Right now they are angry, disappointed, shocked. Let them feel like that. Now that you have taken care of all that, you _need_ to take care of yourself and your baby. You're already 12 weeks dear, if not more. Are you able to buy prenatal vitamins from a local drug store or Walmart? I would do that first chance you get.

Your parents will come around. They may even apologize for reacting so harshly. They will become your biggest support system, it'll just take some time. :hugs:


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## MummyMana

Well done for telling them! I'm actually pretty shocked by their reaction, but I take it it's not uncommon :/ I think they were probably more upset that you waited so long to tell them, I know that can make things worse... You did well though! Now you have that our of the way you can start planning and looking forward to your baby :) make that Dr appointment :)


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## skyesmom

good job for telling them!!!

sure, their reaction was harsh but they'll come around, you'll see. as pp said, they are shocked, disappointed and angry - all normal feelings to have as well, when someone breaks the news like this.

they'll come around though. it may take some time until the calm down and take it all in. but you did the right thing. it can't get any worse than this with them now, the worst storm is over and you'll see they will come around. they'll understand that their anger won't change the things and make them better.

it is just a lot for a parent to accept, especially if they didn't even know you were dating over the summer. they see you getting pregnant as their own failure at parenting, and no one likes to process, feel or admit that.

they may as well take it out on you not telling them earlier, and telling both to you and themselves that THAT is what made them most angry and disappointed... but it's not. it's just a very comforting lie they may hide behind, as i am sure they'll feel bad for reacting the way they did and not being supportive to you in this situation from the first moment on. but they'll digest even that, i promise.

how time to get that doctor's appointment done. and well, get the baby daddy to meet your parents. I'm saying this as seeing your baby on the ultrasound, no matter how shocking it is for everybody present, is as well a magical and bonding moment and as hard as it is, it sucks to have someone close to the baby miss out on a moment like that.


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## ClairAye

:hugs: To be fair, most parents aren't going to jump for joy at this situation, my dad didn't talk to me until I was about 25 or 27 weeks with my first, my mum did come around after a few weeks though. Well done though, and now it's out of the way you can get yourself to the doctor and get an ultrasound booked! :flower:


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## heatherr

MummyMana said:


> Well done for telling them! I'm actually pretty shocked by their reaction, but I take it it's not uncommon :/ I think they were probably more upset that you waited so long to tell them, I know that can make things worse... You did well though! Now you have that our of the way you can start planning and looking forward to your baby :) make that Dr appointment :)

I don't really know any parents (at least of my friends) who wouldn't act like mine did. Most people we know don't get pregnant at 17. In fact, I don't think we know anyone close to us that's had a kid at 17. For this reason, I feel like they will be ashamed of me or embarrassed that I got pregnant. I don't blame them, because I feel that way too.

Another problem is that I'm not looking forward to having a baby. I don't know if I'm going to be a parent to this baby yet. I'm just not sure. I'm not happy about it at all - I don't feel anything positive about it.


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## KFrey

Good for you for telling them! You will through this. Please make that doctor's appointment. 

There are so many people out there that would love to have a baby... don't rule out adoption! 

Your parents will come around... it is only a matter of time. I say you should keep looking forward from here on out... you can't change the past and your previous decisions but you have completely owned up and that is far wiser than any 17 year old I know!


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## KFrey

Please let us know how the ultrasound goes!


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## MummyMana

There's nothing to be ashamed of, really! Bringing a baby into this world is the most beautiful thing anyone can do - you are using your body to create a whole new human being! Pregnancy and childbirth is a completely natural part of life :) 

To put it into perspective, you could've come home and told your parents you are a third or a drug dealer, but your not. 

You really have nothing to be ashamed of, after all if having a baby was a bad thing, none of us would exist!


It's hard to imagine yourself as a mother when you first find out, but as time goes on you will begin to become excited :)


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## heatherr

^ It's just not completely normal for a 17 year old high school student who doesn't have a job and still lives with her parents to have a baby. I know it could have been worse, but it doesn't make my parents feel any better about the situation. To be honest, it doesn't make me feel any better either. I mean, none of my friends have babies. I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to college next year, not have a baby. 

I'm just worried, what if I never become excited about it?


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## heatherr

I'm sorry if I have a bunch of types. I'm on my phone.

My mom is going to make a doctors appointment for me. She said I have to go. I begged her to wait a little longer. I'm scared of going to the doctor. That made her even more mad.


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## MummyMana

I know you're scared and worried, but you will find a way :) does the father have a job? I assume you're in America as you said you're still in high school, so I'm not exactly sure, but even in America there must be financial help for you :) and as for college there's a lifetime to go back and study :) 

Try not to stress out too much, you've done the hard part now. And whether you keep your baby or choose to put it up for adoption, stress will not be good for it. 

Your parents are right, you do have to go to the doctor, not only for the baby's health but for yours as well! God forbid, but you never know if there might be a complications :/ 

You are doing well, try to focus on the positives of your situation rather than the negatives. I know what it's like to be in awful, life changing situations, and to deal with daily stress, and I know its hard to focus on positive things, but it really does help :) 

Have you spoke to the dad since?


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## skyesmom

it's good that your mom took that initiative. and please, go to that appointment. you need to get checked and know if the baby inside of you is ok. whether you decide to have it or have it adopted, they have their right to proper care.

of course, feeling like a total failure in this situation is normal. but you've kept it in and dealt all alone with it so far, and had no support system so no wonder you couldn't get excited. 
you already did the toughest part of telling your ex and your parents all by yourself - and that within just a few days - give yourself a break, it takes time to take this all in, also to you.

and yes, children change your life for good and having a baby at 17 and be the only one to have it among your friends can be a challenge but it doesn't mean your life is over or that you can't take your chance at college and higher education anyway. it will be harder then without a child, but it is not impossible. and if you got a good support system, managing it all together is doable.

try taking it one thing at a time. for now, go to that appointment. and whatever decision you'll take, take your time to really think about it and also talk to your ex as he should be a part of this too.


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## Feronia

You seem very mature and I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the right one. Don't let anyone -- not your parents, not the father, a doctor, or your friends -- pressure you to make any choice that you do not feel comfortable with making. Every choice has an emotional consequence, and only you know yourself and your situation enough to decide. If you decide to keep the baby and raise him/her yourself, there is probably help out there for you and plenty of women in your situation have gone on to complete their college education. It's tough, and you'll have a level of awareness and maturity that your peers will not have, but you can get through it if you put your mind to it. I'm sure you're aware of your other options and the emotional and physical consequences that come with them.

It's great that you'll seeing a doctor, but I think the important thing is that you start taking a prenatal vitamin and eating healthy if you aren't already. You don't need an ultrasound -- that may or may not even be standard care in your area -- but it will probably be done for dating purposes since you're unsure. Best of luck to you, and I hope your parents come around!


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## skyesmom

ah and one more thing (to all the teen mommies here):

there are certain advantages to having your children early, that you don't see now but you will discover later, and that's mainly:

- by the time you're in your late '30, your children will be grown up and independent, or well way more independent than a toddler is... meanwhile, you'll still be young, energetic and active to enjoy your life and your new free time you'll have on your hands.. with a bonus awareness of how precious that is. you may miss out on some clubbing and drunk nights in your '20s, but i assure you, partying when you're a bit more mature in your head just gets better.

- your kids have young grandparents. a thing NOT to underestimate at all - my own folks had me in their late '30s - which means that if i end up doing the same, they will be approaching 80 years of age when my own baby will be born - which can mean much less support in any sense. (fyi: i had two losses so having children before i turned 30 didn't prove so easy-peasy, anyway, never give up on your dreams!)

- by the time your kids reach college, you'll be in your mid 30s, which means full power working force with experience, meaning also a lot more money-making years before you hit pension, which makes it easier to be there as a financial security both for your kid and for yourself.

- a smaller generation gap, with all the cultural and mentality changes this brings.

- a chance to have your second or your third baby without the pressure of the age.

by this i don't mean to encourage anyone on getting pregnant as a teenager - it is a fragile phase in your life even without being pregnant, and not being financially stable or emotionally ready ain't no joke at all and puts a lot of strain on you, your life and all your relationships... i'm just speaking to the ones who are already there and may have a bad day or feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. :hugs:

(AND i don't mean to discriminate or judge anyone who is in their 30's-40's or later and attempting to have a baby. there are many advantages to that as well, but i find people mostly point those out as they're quite obvious, and not much of this is said for the teens or young mommies)


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## ClairAye

I'm the only person out of my old friends who had a baby/got pregnant. I got pregnant to someone I had known about two months, I had no job, I was living in a fairly unstable environment away from my parents. It's terrifying, scary and emotional, a lot of people on the forum have been there too :hugs: College can wait too, I'm hoping to go next year after having two kids, I'll be 20 and if my plans go the way I hope I'll be at uni at 21 and finished uni at 24, there is still time for these things!

You need to go to the appointment though, you don't need to be scared! :flower:


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## coucou11

Hi sweetie - been stalking a little, you seem like a really strong person and you have done everything right so far in this situation! 

Definitely go to the doctor, it will make it more real for sure but you need the support and care for the growing baby.

Also just wanted to share the option that if you aren't ready, you don't have to keep this baby. My sister gave up a baby boy she had when she was 17 for adoption. She now has two daughters. She is very happy with her decision, and she knows her son is happy too. Adoption is a beautiful, powerful, amazing gift and it could be the right thing for you. 

Good luck!


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## nic18

just read through this whole thread, so glad you told everyone you needed to, bet it feels like a weight has been lifted:)?
please go to the doctors you need to get checked out & have a scan to make sure everything is ok.

good luck :flow:


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## Eidson23

heatherr said:


> ^ It's just not completely normal for a 17 year old high school student who doesn't have a job and still lives with her parents to have a baby. I know it could have been worse, but it doesn't make my parents feel any better about the situation. To be honest, it doesn't make me feel any better either. I mean, none of my friends have babies. I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to college next year, not have a baby.
> 
> I'm just worried, what if I never become excited about it?

I know it's terrifying at your age. I was 17 when I got pregnant too. My son's father is a POS too. But your life isn't over. If you decide to keep the baby, you can still become a successful adult. It's a tougher road, but you'll be a better person in the end. I lived with my parents too. I am currently (and have been since I was 19) a 911 dispatcher for a police dept. I have the highest level of training I can have, not to mention now the experience to basically go wherever I want and get hired above anyone else. I go to school, online, for my degree towards criminal justice. I joined the military, thanks to my parents support at 23 years old. Something I always wanted to do and never thought I'd be able to because I was a single mom. My parents watched my son for all my training, and I'm now in the Air Force reserves. They pay for my school. My tuition assistance alone is $4500 per fiscal year, not including my GI bill which I'm saving for my son's college. I did all that, on my own, because I was driven to not just be a good mother, but the best version of myself. Your life isn't over.

If you decide to go the adoption route, you're still doing something that will be the most difficult thing you've ever done. But in return, you're giving your baby the best life you think they can have, and you're giving some family a gift they never thought they could have.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and seem much more mature than most 17 y/o. Right now it's a whirlwind of emotions. It'll calm down, and then you can make an educated decision that will be best for you and your baby. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be confused. Everything you are feeling right now is normal. It will all be okay. :hugs:


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## heatherr

MummyMana said:


> I know you're scared and worried, but you will find a way :) does the father have a job? I assume you're in America as you said you're still in high school, so I'm not exactly sure, but even in America there must be financial help for you :) and as for college there's a lifetime to go back and study :)
> 
> Try not to stress out too much, you've done the hard part now. And whether you keep your baby or choose to put it up for adoption, stress will not be good for it.
> 
> Your parents are right, you do have to go to the doctor, not only for the baby's health but for yours as well! God forbid, but you never know if there might be a complications :/
> 
> You are doing well, try to focus on the positives of your situation rather than the negatives. I know what it's like to be in awful, life changing situations, and to deal with daily stress, and I know its hard to focus on positive things, but it really does help :)
> 
> Have you spoke to the dad since?

Yes I am in America. The father does have a job. I talked to him today. He said he's not sure about all of this. He wants to move, doesn't want to stay around here and now with a kid he'll have to.He was planning to go somewhere else for graduate school. He also said he doesn't know how he's going to have a kid with a 17 year old girl. He says it's just weird, the whole situation is not good.

But I think he is actually being nicer about it than he could be and he did say he just doesn't know what to do right now because he just still can't believe I'm pregnant, and he doesn't want to say something he'll regret or something to hurt me. 

He just told me I have to go to the doctor and figure out how far along I am, that everything is ok, and what I want to do.


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## calliebaby

Just be careful. Someone mentioned that you are not underage/illegal. Technically, in America, anything under 18 is underage.


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## Eidson23

calliebaby said:


> Just be careful. Someone mentioned that you are not underage/illegal. Technically, in America, anything under 18 is underage.

Not everywhere...most states the legal age of consent is 16...


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## heatherr

It is 16 in my state.


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## calliebaby

I'm glad to hear that.sounds like he's taking responsibility. I wish you all the best.


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## skyesmom

maybe have him come to the doctors appointment with you, if you're as far along as you think you are, you'll definitely be able to see the baby (and it looks like a real baby at 12 weeks for sure), and it may make the things more "real" to him (and to you as well). he'll be able to have some contact with his child which is not just your words. (i don't mean to be harsh or anything, it is how it is with all the pregnancies, the babies are real to women much earlier than to men, simply because they are inside of us, and they can't have any direct contact with them 'till the baby starts kicking, moving etc and is born)


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## ClairAye

I agree with inviting him to the doctors/ultrasound. It's the thing that makes a lot of people realise 'Omg, there is a baby in there.'


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## KFrey

Heather,
When is your doctor's appointment? I am looking forward to hearing how it goes!


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## wookie130

Hi, Heatherr...I'm not a teen by any means (far from it...I'm 36! LOL!), but the title of your thread jumped out at me, and I've read through the entire thing.

First of all, :hugs: You are a very brave young lady, both for coming clean to the father, and also to your parents. It is very natural for your parents to be angry with you right now, and they too are only human, and are behaving out of shock and disappointment. I know the last thing you want is to hear that you've disappointed them, but, that's a natural response to this situation, and it will most likely improve. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't be angry...it makes it harder for you, of course, but you need to know that the anger comes from a place of love.

Secondly, I don't feel that anyone should be attempting to swaying you one way or another in terms of whether to keep the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption. This is a choice that is solely up to you, and the father of the baby...no one else. This is not something that your parents, your friends, the father ALONE, or people on a message board can decide for you. You must act from a place of both responsibility, both for the baby and for yourself, and from your heart. What will the best thing for this baby be? Do you feel that you're in a place emotionally, financially, etc. to raise a child? Or, is it in your heart that the baby would truly be better off being raised by someone with more stability, etc.? Also, if you did choose adoption, is it a decision YOU could live with? There is time for you to ponder these issues, and perhaps you need to speak to a counselor of some sorts to help you make these decisions. Again, it is up to no one but you, and the father...a decision needs to be made TOGETHER. And perhaps that means that you don't come to the same agreement on what should be done, but then you both must agree on how to proceed with your differences in opinion, etc.

Good luck, sweetie. You sound like a good kid with a solid head on your shoulders. You can and will get through this, but do not be afraid to ask for and accept help along the way. Your parents will come to terms with this somehow...but it may take a while. Just know that they love you, regardless of their reaction, and again, this is a choice that rests entirely on you two, the parents of this baby.


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## heatherr

KFrey said:


> Heather,
> When is your doctor's appointment? I am looking forward to hearing how it goes!

It's next Thursday. My mom is going with me. I don't know what to ask the doctor or anything. I don't think I will invite the dad to this appointment, unless he shows some interest in going. I tested him and told him when it was and he just said "good."


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## heatherr

wookie130 said:


> Hi, Heatherr...I'm not a teen by any means (far from it...I'm 36! LOL!), but the title of your thread jumped out at me, and I've read through the entire thing.
> 
> First of all, :hugs: You are a very brave young lady, both for coming clean to the father, and also to your parents. It is very natural for your parents to be angry with you right now, and they too are only human, and are behaving out of shock and disappointment. I know the last thing you want is to hear that you've disappointed them, but, that's a natural response to this situation, and it will most likely improve. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't be angry...it makes it harder for you, of course, but you need to know that the anger comes from a place of love.
> 
> Secondly, I don't feel that anyone should be attempting to swaying you one way or another in terms of whether to keep the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption. This is a choice that is solely up to you, and the father of the baby...no one else. This is not something that your parents, your friends, the father ALONE, or people on a message board can decide for you. You must act from a place of both responsibility, both for the baby and for yourself, and from your heart. What will the best thing for this baby be? Do you feel that you're in a place emotionally, financially, etc. to raise a child? Or, is it in your heart that the baby would truly be better off being raised by someone with more stability, etc.? Also, if you did choose adoption, is it a decision YOU could live with? There is time for you to ponder these issues, and perhaps you need to speak to a counselor of some sorts to help you make these decisions. Again, it is up to no one but you, and the father...a decision needs to be made TOGETHER. And perhaps that means that you don't come to the same agreement on what should be done, but then you both must agree on how to proceed with your differences in opinion, etc.
> 
> Good luck, sweetie. You sound like a good kid with a solid head on your shoulders. You can and will get through this, but do not be afraid to ask for and accept help along the way. Your parents will come to terms with this somehow...but it may take a while. Just know that they love you, regardless of their reaction, and again, this is a choice that rests entirely on you two, the parents of this baby.

Thanks for this response. It means a lot to me for some reason...it's like all of the things I have been thinking about. I know I have time to make a decision, but it doesn't feel like I do. In a way I do wish someone else could just make the decIsion for me. Up until yesterday I did not want to have this baby at all. Then today I wasn't even really thinking about it and I just got this really strong feelings out of nowhere that this is my baby and how could I not keep it? I think it's the first time I was able to process that it's an actual baby and not just this problem and secret. But then as soon as i had that deep feeling I felt so scared because I don't know how I can be a parent. I have never even had a job! I also don't know if I am ready to dedicate my life to a child. I guess I am also scared of the whole situation. I just don't know how it'll work out with the father and I always wanted to have kids with someone I was actually with.


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## MummyMana

He may well feel awkward about asking if he can come, I would just bite the bullet and say "you're welcome to come along if you want" :)

Not sure what to suggest as for what to ask the dr, they will probably just be referring you to the midwife it America equivalent, that's what my first drs appointment was "I'm pregnant" "ok we have a midwife appointment available in Tuesday at 11" "great thankyou", the initial midwife appointment they take blood to check you are immune to everything, blood type etc, and ask you a million questions about your families medical history (you may need the father there for that one as I'm guessing you wouldn't know his family's medical history) 

Good luck with the appointment I'm sure it will all be fine :)


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## heatherr

MummyMana said:


> He may well feel awkward about asking if he can come, I would just bite the bullet and say "you're welcome to come along if you want" :)
> 
> Not sure what to suggest as for what to ask the dr, they will probably just be referring you to the midwife it America equivalent, that's what my first drs appointment was "I'm pregnant" "ok we have a midwife appointment available in Tuesday at 11" "great thankyou", the initial midwife appointment they take blood to check you are immune to everything, blood type etc, and ask you a million questions about your families medical history (you may need the father there for that one as I'm guessing you wouldn't know his family's medical history)
> 
> Good luck with the appointment I'm sure it will all be fine :)

It's not that I mind asking him, I just don't really want him there. I rather have my mom with me and I don't want both of them there because it'll make it too awkward. I have yet to address him meeting my parents, but my mom is already threatening to call him herself. I swear she will steal his number from my phone if she can.


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## MummyMana

I'd say it sounds promising that your mum wants to meet him :) if you feel more comfortable going without him that is fine, I just thought you were worries about asking him! Do try to make him feel included though, if he feels pushed out he may not want to make an effort to be around, as he will feel he "isn't wanted" or isn't needed...

Oh and in regards to your other post, no one knows how to be a parent until they are a parent :) 50% is instinct, 30% is learned on the job, and the rest is just improvisation :) everybody has the capacity to do it, you just don't know that until you have a baby in your arms :) then they turn into a toddler and it's like starting from scratch lol


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## Eidson23

My son is almost 8 and I still question if I'm a good parent and doing things right. My wife is pregnant, and I'm scared to death of starting over again sometimes. I don't even know if I know how to hold a newborn anymore!

If you don't want him there, then don't force yourself to ask him. Your mom is the best support system at this point anyways. Everyone always grows up hoping to be with the person that they have children with and it will all be perfect, but things don't tend to work out that way. My son's father is a piece of shit, and I still can't regret being with him because my son is just the best thing that's ever happened to me. It sucks I have to deal with his dad for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to say, things don't always work out as planned. You have time to decide, and you seem very capable of making an educated decision about this. Either way, it'll be hard on you forever. You're taking all the right steps so far, even given the crazy surprise it was.


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## Feronia

MummyMana said:


> Oh and in regards to your other post, no one knows how to be a parent until they are a parent :) 50% is instinct, 30% is learned on the job, and the rest is just improvisation :) everybody has the capacity to do it, you just don't know that until you have a baby in your arms :) then they turn into a toddler and it's like starting from scratch lol

This is so, so true. You can never really know until you do it! I was 25 when I became a mom and before then I had never been around babies or kids. The first baby I ever held was my own, and it was scary, but I picked up the whole "parenting" thing. Though I still don't really feel like a "mom."

There's a learning curve no matter what age you are, and it's going to be there whether you're 17, 25, or 35. Babies don't really need that much in the beginning except milk, diapers, and love, and you really do pick it up as you go along. :flower:


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## wookie130

Perhaps seeing the baby a few times via ultrasound will make your decision easier, either way. You do have time, but definitely try to speak to someone...I would expect your feelings on what to do may become more clear as your pregnancy progresses.

Age does not make motherhood easier, but I'm glad I waited to have my life (career, marriage, finances, a home) all sorted before I added kids to the equation. This doesn't mean that life has to follow that linear sequence in order for you to be a good mother...for many, kids come first, and the rest comes later. Either way, there are plenty of resources available to help you along the way.


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## ChiiBaby

Heya hun, i know what you going though (sort of) I was 16 (now 19)when i got pregnant and my OH was 21 at the time. I was terrified what my mum and dad would think but they were okay with it as i was of age.

I hope it goes okay at the scan! feel free to message me x


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## RubyRainbows

Hi there! Congrats on your pregnancy! Regardless of the situation - a baby is always a blessing. You sound mature, and like you have a good head on your shoulders. You did the right thing by coming clean to your parent's and the father of the baby. Your parent's reaction sounds pretty typical, and it sounds like they are already "coming around." Of course your mom is going to be by your side and attend the appnt with you. Sounds like you come from a great family and they love you very much. They will help and support you i'm sure - just give them some time to come to terms with everything going on. After your appnt, i think you should plan a get together with your parents and the father of the baby. He sounds like a decent guy too - and i think it will help the decision making process for all of you to talk about your options. At the end of the day - the decision is all yours, though. You can still attend college and have a bright future for you & your child, if you decide to keep/parent the baby. And if you decide to place the baby for adoption, that is wonderful too! You can make a family's dreams come true with the greatest gift in the world!!

I am a social worker and i work with teen moms. Check to see if you have Nurse Family Partnership, Early Head Start, or Parents As Teachers in your area. These are 3 excellent prgms that help families/young moms.... all free of charge!

I think now that you've told everyone (at least the most important ppl), once you have some more time to process everything, and once you see the baby in an ultrasound... you will start bonding more with the baby.

Most importantly, if you haven't already - start taking prenatal vitamins ASAP.

Good luck at the appnt - keep us posted!! :hugs:


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## heatherr

I know that I can go to school still and that my life isn't over, but I just wasn't prepared for such a major change in my plans right now. Going to college won't be the same with a baby. Nothing will be the same. It's just like a huge curveball for me I guess. 

So like a day after I told the father that I had the appointment on Thursday and he just said "good," he asked me if I wanted him to go with me. I don't know if I should have said yes, but I told him my mom was going and that I just wanted her to be with me this time. I told him maybe next time. My mom said they most likely won't do an ultrasound at the first appointment. They might schedule one for me, but even then it'd be a few days away, not on the same day. So I could always invite him for that. My parents are mad at me because I won't let them contact him at all. It's just too awkward for me. Of course my dad is like "This is a 22 year old guy who got my daughter pregnant, I'm going to talk to him!" But I begged them to at least wait until after the appointment until I know everything for sure and at least get that step taken care of because that all freaks me out enough. They said fine, once the appointment is over then they will be meeting him whether I like it or not and whether I have anything to do with it or not.


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## skyesmom

that's a good plan. and sounds like he wants to stick around. 

your dad sounds still in the stage of accepting it and blaming everybody else around except of you (and himself). not that there is anyone to blame, but you know... sometimes shifting all the responsibility to another person makes it easier to cope, but it isn't always right.

maybe they think he's some kind of an unsupportive ass and who knows how they imagine him; from what you say, he sounds good and sounds like he wants to be there for you and the baby; maybe your parents will drop their insane anger and worry when they meet him. 

i would suggest you don't let them meet him alone and be there, so at least you're present and can have some control of the situation and stand and speak for yourself as well.
imagine you'd be alone meeting his parents and his mom raging out at you for lying about your age and getting pregnant on purpose so that her son would have to provide for you and you wouldn't need to worry about going to college, working, bla bla bla... and now because of you he can't go outa state to study as he planned, etc etc etc.. not nice. 
And no matter how angry, your parents should talk to him with respect.
Do his parents know about the baby by the way?


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## nic18

Hope everything goes well!
I agree about you going with your parents, 17-22 isn't that big an age gap and ofcourse they are going to have to accept and get over it now, what's done is done


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## skyesmom

oh and i agree: 17 to 22 may seem like a HUGE age gap NOW. plus, you really have a good and responsible head on your shoulders and he ain't a prick either :) and trust me, with time that age difference will disappear and you won't even remember it!


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## KFrey

Heather,
I definitely think they will do an ultrasound your first appointment. They always did with mine and you are so much farther along they need to do one. It is understandable that you didn't want the father to come. I would definitely give him a play back though on how it went and keep him totally in the loop so he doesn't feel shut out. PLUS you can send him pictures. I am excited to hear about your appointment! Seeing your baby on the screen for the first time... EEK.


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## ClairAye

I agree about the age gap, it's what myself and FOB had when I fell pregnant with our first and you soon completely forget about it!


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## heatherr

He hasn't told his family yet. He says he's waiting until I go to the doctor and everything is official and we know more details. Like he's still in denial about it...But I guess I didn't tell anyone for almost a month and was trying to just ignore it until it went away, so I shouldn't judge him right now.


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## emsmamasinc11

Hi! if you ever want to talk feel free to add me on fb i have a two almost three year old little man! my names Autumn renee ojeda :)


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## skyesmom

kudos to you for not being judgmental towards him! i understand the wanting to wait until the ultrasound, though. 

his parents will bomb him with questions, they may get angry just as yours, and it's easier if he has some answers, especially since you're around 12 or over weeks now and an ultrasound is more than due.

i feel his wait is not denial, it's more of a wait where he'll have some more concrete information and answers for them rather than "i got a girl pregnant, she's around 12 weeks now and she's 17 (which i didn't know at time). no, i don't know if the baby is fine as she was scared and hid it from everybody for a while and hasn't had an ultrasound yet". 

(a friend of mine was in a similar situation, he was 20 and his mom first accused the girl of inventing it all and wanted concrete proofs... she came around after the first freak out though and loves her grand daughter to bits!! MUCH later (i am telling you, 10 years later) she actually told us she freaked out because she knew many women who lied about being pregnant in order to get pregnant and "keep" the guy when they felt the relationship was wobbly. she wasn't referring to any particular age here, just a general thing. so who knows what is cooking in the parent's heads after all and what their concerns may be.) 

but you guys are doing it all good for now. both you and him! good luck with everything!


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## KFrey

Tommorow's the day! Are you getting nervous or excited or both?


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## nic18

hope all goes well tomorrow :)


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## wookie130

Good luck, Heatherr. One foot in front of the other! Whatever you choose to do regarding the baby and the father, we're here to listen and support you.


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## ChiiBaby

Good luck hun! hope it all goes well for you x


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## heatherr

KFrey said:


> Tommorow's the day! Are you getting nervous or excited or both?

Mainly just nervous. It will be real once the doctor confirms it. I don't like medical things to begin with, so just that alone makes me nervous. Also never really thought about something being wrong before because I was just concerned with how to tell people. But now I'm worried about something being wrong.


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## ClairAye

Good luck! Keep us updated :flower:


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## wookie130

If you've continued to have positive pregnancy tests at home, you are most definitely pregnant, that much is guaranteed. Tomorrow, there a few things that may or may not happen at the doctor's. The doctor MAY:

-Ask you for a urine sample. 
-Ask you for a blood sample.
-Ask you a series of questions about your LMP (last monthly period)...it helps if you know the first date of your last period, as they use that information to check how far along you actually are.
-Take your weight, health history, etc.
-Possibly perform a pelvic exam.
-Possibly perform either a transvaginal ultrasound (if you're about 9/10 weeks along or less), or an abdominal ultrasound, and compare how the baby is visually measuring to your LMP date, and if you're far enough along you may see a heartbeat, also.
-Discuss folic acid and/or prenatal vitamins, lifestyle choices, diet, etc.
-You may want to ask about resources in your community, such as WIC, Medicaid, programs for pregnant teen moms, adoption resources, etc. Let your doctor know you've been on the fence about what to do...whether it would be best to either raise the baby, or give him/her up for adoption. Let them know you need to know what your options are, & if there is someone on staff you could discuss and share your feelings about. :hugs:

Good luck! Hopefully all is well w/you and the baby, and that tomorrow brings you some answers and clarity.


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## heatherr

^ Thank you, that helps a lot wookie130. I will just have to see how it goes.


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## skyesmom

keeping my fingers crossed for you that it all goes fine!


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## rachieroo

Hi heather just read entire thread. I really hope things work out how you want them to. Good luck with your appointment xx


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## LittleLala

Hi heather, I've been stalking this thread... I really hope you are okay. 
Being nervous about going to the doctors is 100% normal. I understand. But it is the best thing that you can do. Doctors will not be judgemental, they will only want to care for you and your baby. 

I will be thinking of you. Good luck. You have already taken the hardest step by telling your parents. You are brave. You can do this! 
<3 :hugs:


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## xforuiholdonx

Good luck for today!!!


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## nic18

good luck today!


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## KFrey

Good luck today Heather!!!


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## heatherr

So, I'm back from my appointment now. It was really long. They just asked me a ton of questions, talked about all our options, did a physical exam, took blood, etc. I didn't get an ultrasound because I knew when my period was within a day and they said everything looks good. I will be 14 weeks tomorrow. I did get to hear the heartbeat though and they said it sounds perfect. I'll get an ultrasound around 20 weeks as long as everything continues to go smoothly. I'm due April 10.


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## wookie130

So happy it all went well! You're entering into the "safe zone" of pregnancy, as after around the 12 week mark, the risk of miscarriage does begin to decrease a lot! Hearing the heartbeat also is more peace of mind, for sure. I'm sure hearing that all was well was quite a relief.

How are you feeling about the pregnancy overall after your appointment? Are you having any strong feelings toward keeping the baby, placing the baby for adoption, or are you just sort of waiting it out to have a better sense of what your heart and head are saying?

Good luck! At 20 weeks, you'll have the option of finding out the gender, if you're interested. It will really look like a baby at that point...I loved having my ultrasounds. The technology they use now is amazing!


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## KFrey

I'm really surprised they didn't do an ultrasound. Even if you know when your last period was doesn't mean that you ovulated at the "normal" time. How are you feeling? 

Were you glad your mom was there? Was she supportive?


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## skyesmom

wow heather! congrats on the good news!

i am also a bit surprised that you didn't get the ultrasound done at this point, they can't really tell how far along the baby measures without it... but hearing a strong heartbeat is a great great sign, and at this point, as pp said, the risk of miscarriage or things going wrong is significantly lower!

what did your mom say? oh my, it must be a havoc in your heart now, i think it will take a bit for it to sit in!

while i still find it strange that they didn't do a scan now, i really hope that the 20 week one goes great <3 and maybe bring the dada to that one, as you'll be able to see the baby and find out the sex and all <3


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## nic18

that's great :) glad everything went well :)
I take it your in the US if your not getting a scan until 20weeks?
your also due on my sisters birthday :)


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## Feronia

Glad everything went well! There really is no reason to do a scan at this point if you're sure about when your LMP is and know the general length of your cycles. The due date they gave you might be off by a couple of days or a week due to variations in ovulation, but that doesn't really matter. Babies don't come on their due dates most of the time anyway. ;)

Have you spoken to the father since?


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## kazine

Wow I just read this thread through from the start, what a rollercoaster you have been on! Following and hoping for the best for you!


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## heatherr

wookie130 said:


> So happy it all went well! You're entering into the "safe zone" of pregnancy, as after around the 12 week mark, the risk of miscarriage does begin to decrease a lot! Hearing the heartbeat also is more peace of mind, for sure. I'm sure hearing that all was well was quite a relief.
> 
> How are you feeling about the pregnancy overall after your appointment? Are you having any strong feelings toward keeping the baby, placing the baby for adoption, or are you just sort of waiting it out to have a better sense of what your heart and head are saying?
> 
> Good luck! At 20 weeks, you'll have the option of finding out the gender, if you're interested. It will really look like a baby at that point...I loved having my ultrasounds. The technology they use now is amazing!

I don't know, it just feels more real to me now. I keep saying to myself, "I'm pregnant" over and over again. I spent almost a month trying to deny it or ignore it away, so now after telling people and going to the doctor in such a short time frame, it is sinking in now that it's real and not going away.

I don't really know if I'm any closer to a decision. Part of me wants to keep it and can't imagine giving my own baby to someone else, but then I get really scared and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and how much it would change me life. Sometimes I think I'm just not ready to have a baby and maybe it'd be better if it had 2 parents who were together and able to take care of it on their own, unlike me. Neither option sounds good. At this point I won't be getting an abortion, obviously.




KFrey said:


> I'm really surprised they didn't do an ultrasound. Even if you know when your last period was doesn't mean that you ovulated at the "normal" time. How are you feeling?
> 
> Were you glad your mom was there? Was she supportive?

They said they will get a more accurate "age" at the 20 week ultrasound, but even then it won't vary greatly. My cycle has always been regular, so the doctor said it's pretty safe to assume at this point.

I'm sort of glad they didn't do an ultrasound. It might have been too much for me to handle at one time. Plus this way the father can be there too.

I don't think I would have gone if my mom wasn't there with me. She stayed in the room with me the whole time. Afterwards I cried because it all just sort of scared me. But my mom said everyone's scared, even if they planned to have a baby. She said this is why she wished I hadn't been having sex in the first place because obviously I'm not ready to deal with the consequences, but that we can't take it back now so we'll just figure out what to do next. 




nic18 said:


> that's great :) glad everything went well :)
> I take it your in the US if your not getting a scan until 20weeks?
> your also due on my sisters birthday :)

Thanks!
Yeah, I'm in the US. 
It's actually the day after my birthday!
Actually mu dad has been a lot nicer lately and I didn't talk to him after my appointment (he was at work) but I know my mom must have. When he came home from work he hugged me and said, "Well, that'll be a nice birthday present at least, won't it?" I think he was half joking, but at least he's able to sort of joke about it now instead of being so mad like he was.




Feronia said:


> Have you spoken to the father since?

Yeah, I called him after I got home. I feel weird talking to him now, it's always awkward because he treats me totally different. He asked me if the appointment helped me figure out what I'm going to do, but I told him not really. He said if I need to talk about it I can call him. Then I started crying and he told me it'll be ok and that he won't abandon his child. And he told me how sorry he was that any of this happened. He says he needs to meet my family. So now I'll have to deal with that.


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## LittleLala

Oh heather I'm so happy for you. Things are really starting to get better. I am glad that your parents are really stepping up and being good parents to you in your time of need. And the father of your baby is sounding really mature and responsible too. 

I hope things continue to get better <3 
Good luck with whatever choice you make. Your mum is right- everybody gets scared. 

Thinking of you. :hugs:


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## ClairAye

Glad everything went well! It's great that the father is taking responsibility and being there for you too :)


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## skyesmom

:) :) :) so happy your dad is coming round and the father of your baby sounds like a great guy too.

and your mom is right, pregnancy and baby coming are always scary, no matter at what age and in which relationship or financial status. it is ALWAYS a major life change. and those kind of changes scare people and make them feel overwhelmed.

and especially, you get overwhelmed when trying to find an answer to all those questions now and at once. then it all collapses on you... but the thing is, you don't need to have them all now.

you won't know how to change a diaper until it's in front of you, you won't know how to manage college and baby until you're already in it, nor you'll know how to cope with the labor until the contractions hit... and so on. so you don't need to overload yourself with all of it now.

take it one step at a time. your feelings for your child will grow and evolve. same for his dad - and i am so happy to read he wants to meet your family from his own initiative - he does sound very mature.

and as far as you two are concerned - neither you or him can really have all the answers now on how your relationship will grow and how you'll manage it all. you'll discover it as it comes. from how maturely you both are taking it, though, whatever your personal arrangement may be, i feel you three will make a great family. and that's the most important thing. <3

but be proud of yourself - you are really doing great, even when it doesn't seem so.

and your dad is right - that really IS an amazing birthday gift :)


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## redneckhippy

I'm 30 years old, married, my husband & I both have stable, well-paying jobs with benefits, we spent 2 years trying to conceive and had to go through two rounds of IVF for me to get pregnant with this baby, so he could not have been more planned or wanted than any baby on earth ..... and I'm scared!!! Every first time mom is scared. I'm constantly terrified I will do something wrong and cause a miscarraige, and then when I think about after he's born I worry I won't know what to do or won't be a good mom or (and this may sound silly but it's one of my biggest fears) that I will set him down somewhere and accidently leave him there because I'm absent minded and always forget stuff (I don't carry a purse for this reason!). I don't think any first time mom ever feels confident, but I also think being scared and worried just shows you will be a good mom because it just shows how much we already love our little ones.


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## KFrey

Heather,
Your mom and dad sound WONDERFUL. What your dad said should speak a million words to you... that he makes it a positive and is joking with you about it. And your mom is such a MOM... "This is why I wish you weren't having sex in the first place." Reminds me of my mom and makes me smile. What a loving situation. You are really lucky. They are lucky to have such an amazing daughter as well... even if you made a mistake and they seem fully aware of how special you are. 

Does your parents know you might consider adoption? Or the father? 

I just want you to know that you can still do everything you had planned to do with your future with a baby. It would be more difficult but I've found that most things in life that are worth while usually are. 

Ultimately, you have to do what's right for you! We are all here to support you.


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## heatherr

I'm on my phone right now and sometimes it doesn't like when I try to post here, so this post may look funny, don't know.

My mom had no idea I'd ever had sex. I just told her after all of this came out that I had sex with my previous nd who us my age before this. She tried to get me to talk about it back then, but I convinced her I wasn't having sex do she didn't have to worry. She said I should have told her so I could have got on birth control, but I really don't think she would have happily taken me to get birth control. Anyway, it wasn't like I was having unprotected sex, but my parents don't believe that. 

Everyone knows about me considering adoption. Well, before I was even considering not continuing with the pregnancy at all. Now that I am at least definitely doing that, we are talking about things more seriously. Everyone says it's ok if I choose adoption. To be honest, it was only the past few days that my parents have talked about what we will do if I keep the baby. They said it's my choice, but I have to just think about it really seriously. They will help me if I keep it, but they said things will change and I'll have to get a job and all that, which I already knew. I don't expect my parents to also be the parents to my child. But they also said we just all have a lot to figure out still, they are still processing it and they have yet to even meet the dad, which apparently is going to happen tomorrow. I am scared if it doesn't happen soon, my mom will show up at his front door. 

The father hasn't really expressed how he feels either way regarding keeping it.


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## kazine

I'll bet the father is very nervous to express his opinions. He knows obviously it is ultimately your choice what to do, perhaps he doesn't want to get "attached" to the idea of being a father if there is a chance that isn't going to happen. Try to think of it from that way if you're feeling a bit put out that he is pulling back from you. It's as much his baby as yours remember! I'm sure if you decided to keep your baby he would step up and do the right thing but possibly for now he doesn't want to get too attached to baby knowing you might be putting them up for adoption. 

Hope you stay strong and make the right decision for you though, whatever that may be!


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## heatherr

Yeah, I know it must be sort of weird for him since technically I get all the say about what happens. I'd like to know what he really would like to do though, if it was up to him. I guess we have a lot of time to talk about it.


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## nic18

I hope you continue to keep coming on here :) I'd love to know how things work out


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## LittleLala

I agree- I hope you continue to share your story with us. I am amazed at how mature you are for your age. I meet plenty of 17yr olds who would not be anywhere near as brave as you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that I am on here trying to conceive a child, but I believe that the bnb community are not judgemental... I would have supported you if you felt the need to terminate earlier, and I will support you if you choose to either adopt out, or keep the baby. 

Whatever decision you make, do not let anybody make you feel bad for doing so. This is your life, your decision. You will make the right decision for you and your child. 

Good luck, sending hugs from Australia. 

<3


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## SurpriseBub

Hi Heather,

I just stumbled across this thread, and was really touched by you sharing this experience with us! :) first of all congratulations!! No matter the circumstances, it is a really amazing thing. I am 21 weeks and absolutely overawed every time I feel my baby move. Like your mom said, everyone is scared... I sure am! It is a big thing in anybody's life no matter when and how it happens. It sounds like you are doing really well getting your head around a really big moment in your life and a complicated situation to boot. 

I just wanted to wish you luck with everything! Did you ever watch 16 and Pregnant? I am a sucker for those types of shows... And if you are really considering adoption, you could look up Catelynn's episode from season one. She gave her daughter up for adoption, and the whole episode is incredibly touching. I think it captures the emotional hardship of making that choice, as well as how and why they made that decision for their child. I think you are very brave and making a selfless decision to at least consider adoption. I hope that your pregnancy runs smoothly, and you are able to make the best decision for you either way. As many people have said, don't let anyone force you to do anything- this is absolutely your decision. Wishing you lots if luck! :flower:


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## missk1989

Hi Heather,
I have been following your post with interest over the past few weeks. You have been so brave through all this.
Did the father meet your parents?


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## heatherr

LittleLala said:


> I agree- I hope you continue to share your story with us. I am amazed at how mature you are for your age. I meet plenty of 17yr olds who would not be anywhere near as brave as you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that I am on here trying to conceive a child, but I believe that the bnb community are not judgemental... I would have supported you if you felt the need to terminate earlier, and I will support you if you choose to either adopt out, or keep the baby.
> 
> Whatever decision you make, do not let anybody make you feel bad for doing so. This is your life, your decision. You will make the right decision for you and your child.
> 
> Good luck, sending hugs from Australia.
> 
> <3

Thanks, this means so much. I sometimes feel sort of weird because I feel like most people here are happy and excited to be pregnant. But it's nice to know that people in other situations still understand how I'm feeling and support me no matter what decision I make. I have really felt so much better about everything since I started posting here. I guess I just needed to talk about it with nonjudgmental people who could look at it from an outside view before I could actually get the courage to tell anyone in my life. I'd probably still be keeping it a secret if I hadn't been able to talk about everything here first. 




SurpriseBub said:


> Hi Heather,
> 
> I just stumbled across this thread, and was really touched by you sharing this experience with us! :) first of all congratulations!! No matter the circumstances, it is a really amazing thing. I am 21 weeks and absolutely overawed every time I feel my baby move. Like your mom said, everyone is scared... I sure am! It is a big thing in anybody's life no matter when and how it happens. It sounds like you are doing really well getting your head around a really big moment in your life and a complicated situation to boot.
> 
> I just wanted to wish you luck with everything! Did you ever watch 16 and Pregnant? I am a sucker for those types of shows... And if you are really considering adoption, you could look up Catelynn's episode from season one. She gave her daughter up for adoption, and the whole episode is incredibly touching. I think it captures the emotional hardship of making that choice, as well as how and why they made that decision for their child. I think you are very brave and making a selfless decision to at least consider adoption. I hope that your pregnancy runs smoothly, and you are able to make the best decision for you either way. As many people have said, don't let anyone force you to do anything- this is absolutely your decision. Wishing you lots if luck! :flower:

Yeah I have watched it before and I remember her story. Most of the girls on there are so trashy, so I can't even stand to watch it anymore haha.
At this point, I feel like considering adoption is mainly for selfish reasons right now. I don't think adoption is selfish, but I'm thinking of it in a selfish way. I mean, I would like my child to have 2 parents who are a little older and together and able to support a baby without help like I'll need, but I also just sort of want to be free to live my life without a baby. When I think of having a baby to take care of I don't feel any sort of positive feelings really. 




missk1989 said:


> Hi Heather,
> I have been following your post with interest over the past few weeks. You have been so brave through all this.
> Did the father meet your parents?

Yes. It was supposed to happen yesterday, but we did it today instead. He came over to our house for dinner. He was obviously uncomfortable and so were my parents. I was probably the most uncomfortable though. I felt sick the entire time. My parents sort of grilled him, but he expected that.He did really well. He's a really great guy. I feel even worse for lying to him, but I tried to explain to him that I just did it because I liked him a lot and figured he wouldn't really want anything to do with me if he found out I was 17, and he said yeah he would not have slept with me if he knew that. He acted totally different around me than he used to. Oh well. 
My parents told him what they already told me, about how they'll support me if I keep the baby but that we'll have to figure out how it'd work with him. He said if I keep the baby he will help take care of the baby and support it financially.


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## Eidson23

It's really hard to have positive feelings about being pregnant at 17. The positive feelings usually come much later. I just hope you don't think you'll ever regret keeping your baby. You're a very mature woman for your age (I was the same age when I was pregnant with my son, and had all the same feelings you do now), and I can't think of one regret I have keeping my son. I know you're probably afraid of change, but everyone is. I'm confident that you'd be a better mother than any of those trashy 16 year old girls on that show. You have the support from your parents, and even if you don't end up with him in the end, the father. I know it's hard to imagine yourself being a mother, but those selfish feelings do go away, it just takes time.

Of course, whatever you decide you have support here. I just hope you never feel like you'll be a failure if you decide to be a mom. Missing out on college parties and binge drinking and late nights really doesn't even compare if you ask me. I never felt like I missed anything having my son. Not that you can't go to college btw...because I am currently in college and working and Air Force reserves :haha:


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## skyesmom

thanks for the update heatherr and congrats for the meet the parents dinner, i am happy to hear it went well although it must have been very hard for you. 

and regarding the feelings for your baby, don't force yourself to feel anything you are "supposed" to feel just because it is "normal" to be excited about being pregnant and having a baby. it is normal to SAY that all the time. but i assure you, i think virtually every pregnant woman has freaked out at the thought of taking care of the baby and how it would affect her life.

you have plenty of time to make up your mind regarding adoption. and in the meantime just keep taking care of yourself and your baby so amazingly as you did so far.

(and the baby daddy might have been weird now, but his attitude towards you may change as well and go back to how it was when you were together when the things settle a bit. i don't know if that is what you want, but it could easily happen, once these big, initial steps are done).


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## SurpriseBub

True enough- there are some terrible trashy episodes of 16 and Pregnant. I just felt like that one was very touching :) 

40 weeks is a long time, so you will have plenty of time to weigh up your decision. Wishing you lots of luck as things go on!

It sounds like your meeting went well. It must have felt strange for all of you! I'm sorry the guy is acting differently... I am sure he is largely in shock! It took my oh a while to wrap his head around the fact that I was pregnant. I think we are forced to face that reality a lot more quickly because we feel the physical changes. I don't think he could quite fathom it before he saw a scan and my tummy started to obviously expand. 

I am glad you have found bnb helpful and I hope you keep sharing your story with us :)


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## MiniKiwi

You sound like an incredibly brave and mature woman. I know an unexpected pregnancy is terrifying, these first weeks are the hardest time, full of fear and uncertainty but I *promise* you things get easier :hugs:

I don't think it's been said enough, the father of your baby sounds great. I think a lot of young men might run a mile, not want to arrange to meet your parents and let you all know that he's prepared to take on this responsibility with you. He sounds lovely - do you think there's a chance you two could have a relationship? It's probably all a bit much to think about at the moment so it's understandable if you haven't given it any thought.

Your parents sound wonderfully supportive as well, I hope you let them know how much that means to you. I bet the dinner was awkward but the next meetings will be less and less so, you did well getting through that.

You also obviously have a lot of support here on bnb. I would keep talking to your mother about your options and the pregnancy and keep it out in the open, the awkwardness of the situation will ease. You'll come to the right decision for yourself and your baby :hugs:


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## Turtle0630

Heather, I've been stalking this thread too and wanted to let you know you have another supporter in me. I think all of these other lovely ladies have said all of my thoughts perfectly...you seem very mature, and the father sounds great. I'm so glad your parents are being so supportive now as well!

I also echo the thoughts that it's your decision what to do, and there is NO wrong decision in this. I do think the father has a say in it some as well, as it's also his child. I also believe even if you give the baby up for adoption there's a waiting period after the birth but before the adoption becomes official, in case either you or the father change your mind and try to contest it. So if you make that decision and don't have his support there could potentially be problems down the road but it sounds like he's a wonderful guy who is willing to support you regardless of what decision you make. :)

My cousin's daughter just gave up her little boy for adoption back in June and she couldn't be happier with her decision. She has a VERY open adoption with his parents and I think that's made the whole thing a lot easier on her. It's a very selfless act and one that I honestly don't think I would have ever been able to do. 

On the other hand, I know lots of people who had children unexpectedly at a younger age and decided to keep them, and never regretted it for a second. So there really is no right or wrong answer, only what you decide is best for YOU.

Good luck in making your decision. You still have plenty of time, so don't rush yourself. And I agree with your mom and everyone else on here that it's scary regardless of your age, relationship status, financial situation, etc. I'm 33 and married and DH and I both have stable jobs. We're trying for our first now and even though I want it so badly, every month as I approach that testing time I start to freak out and get scared thinking it might actually be the month it happens, and what in the heck am I going to do if it is?! Then of course I'm always sad and let down when it's not. So I think it's normal to be scared and to wonder how you will handle it, regardless of your situation. :hugs:


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## heatherr

MiniKiwi said:


> You sound like an incredibly brave and mature woman. I know an unexpected pregnancy is terrifying, these first weeks are the hardest time, full of fear and uncertainty but I *promise* you things get easier :hugs:
> 
> I don't think it's been said enough, the father of your baby sounds great. I think a lot of young men might run a mile, not want to arrange to meet your parents and let you all know that he's prepared to take on this responsibility with you. He sounds lovely - do you think there's a chance you two could have a relationship? It's probably all a bit much to think about at the moment so it's understandable if you haven't given it any thought.
> 
> Your parents sound wonderfully supportive as well, I hope you let them know how much that means to you. I bet the dinner was awkward but the next meetings will be less and less so, you did well getting through that.
> 
> You also obviously have a lot of support here on bnb. I would keep talking to your mother about your options and the pregnancy and keep it out in the open, the awkwardness of the situation will ease. You'll come to the right decision for yourself and your baby :hugs:

Thank you!

Yeah, he is really great. He is nice and smart and we get along really well and have a lot in common. I told him I didn't lie about anything other than my age and being in college instead of high school. Everything else about me was true, everything that he actually liked about me. I don't know if he'll want to be with me. I don't think he does right now, but like he told me, this is all a lot to take in all of a sudden after not even talking to me since the end of August. 
I didn't expect him to act so good about the pregnancy. He sort of freaked out for the first few days after I told him, but he has been more together about it than I have since then, at least when he talks to me. I asked him how he felt and he did admit he doesn't really know what's best. It's not like he really wants to have a kid right now and not in this situation either, but he said it is what it is and we just have to figure out how we're going to deal with it. Doesn't mean adoption is the right thing to do just because neither of us really planned or wanted a kid right now, but also doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do either. He told me he really just needs time to think about things. I sort of forget that he's only known for 2 weeks, if that, and I've known for over a month now. He told me he's also worried because he feels like a lot of responsibility will fall on him. I have my family who are willing to help me, but he's an adult and has to figure out how he's going to support a kid when he wasn't really planning on having one any time soon. Not that his family wouldn't help out. He said he did tell a few of his friends about everything and that I don't want to hear what their advice was. He hasn't told his family yet as far as I know, but it's not like I talk to him every day.


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## skyesmom

wow! he REALLY is amazing and mature!! 

especially when reading his thoughts on adoption and those last few lines about what his friends said when he looked for some support from them.. he's really great for protecting you, your baby and himself from all that crap, while also kind of being left alone with no support in it (i don't think his friends can empathize really, from what you say... men are kinda "trained" to act tough so they'll often say inconsiderate things without realizing what they are really saying).

and you two sound so sweet together, despite the entire chaos and the difficulty of the situation. i think your baby is really lucky to have both of you as parents <3 

and the pressure he feels may lift off a bit when he tells his parents - they will support him i am sure - it is true that he's an adult but you know... even adults don't need to do it ALONE, there's a big difference between being grown up and being on your own. and to his parents, he'll always be their son who needs support for their grand child... so i am sure it will all fall into its place. it is just so very fresh for you guys now.

i really really wish all the best for you three heatherr! that little one is blessed to be in your hands, no matter what you decide to do in the end <3


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## vermeil

*gentle hug* what a tough situation! Glad to hear he is handling it better now. Also glad to hear you are considering adoption, you can watch your little one grow up worry free and it's the gift of a lifetime for a loving couple .

Good luck! Thinking of you.


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## KFrey

Hi Heather,
How is everything going?


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## MiniKiwi

Hope you're doing ok :hugs:


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## chistiana

Wow what a roller coaster. I read this thread from page one and I am amazed about how mature you n fob is. Congratulation on your pg no matter what your decision will be. As long as it's something truly thought of n in your heart it's the right decision for you. Hope you re well.


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## heatherr

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now. I seem to be getting more and more tired. I feel so weak a lot of the time. I come home from school and nap almost every day. My mom is worried I'm not eating enough so she's always forcing me to eat. She's worried I might have anemia. I don't know. I have another doctor's appointment next week. 

I do have a noticeable bump now, but I'm still able to hide it. I'm normally pretty thin though, so I'm always worried somebody can tell a difference. Plus, my boobs are usually small and have already gone up a whole cup size! I think if anything else people have noticed that, but I doubt they're thinking I'm pregnant. I don't really want people at school to know right now. I have told a few of my friends. 

My parents said after the next doctors appointment we're going to have to tell the principal and nurse at school, in case something happens when I'm there. Plus, we will have to figure out what will happen once I have the baby, which will still be during the school year.


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## wookie130

Heather, since you're right at the beginning of the second trimester, it's normal to still feel that fatigue all the time. In the next few weeks, you may begin to feel really great and energized, and once you hit the third trimester...well...for a lot of ladies that's the really physically tough stage of pregnancy. It always was for me, anyway, but everyone is different. You're due in April, right?

Your mom sounds very responsible and concerned about what's best for you and the baby. Are you taking prenatal vitamins? Most contain enough iron that you won't become anemic...but maybe a quick blood test wouldn't hurt.

Keep at it. You're doing great, and all will fall into place. :hugs:


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## heatherr

I'm due April 10 as of now, but we'll know better after the ultrasound. Can't believe that's in just a little over a month. I want to find out the gender.

My mom had bad anemia during all of her pregnancies, despite taking prenatal vitamins, so I think that's why she's worried about it for me. I have been taking prenatal vitamins for about 2 weeks now.


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## SurpriseBub

Sorry you are felling so drained... :( with you mom's history, it sounds like it would be worth calling your dr. Some people need iron supplements on top of prenatals. 

Pregnancy definitely feels a lot like a marathon rather than a sprint! And I am sure it is tiring with school and everything else. Give yourself permission to rest as much as you can!


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## MiniKiwi

It's totally normal to have no energy at this stage. It does get better though. A trip to the doctor sounds like a good idea, if you're a bit anemic it's no big deal, you'll get some tablets to sort it out. I was anemic and the difference with some tablets or a diet change is so noticeable and quick! It stopped being difficult to get out of bed in the morning.

I understand not wanting to tell people, but I'm sure you'll feel relief when it's out in the open. You've nothing to apologise for or be ashamed of, I think you'll find most people are supportive. I'm quite thin too and my bump wasn't really noticeable until about 22+ weeks, so you probably have some time to come around to the idea of telling people when you're ready.

Sending lots of hugs and support, you're doing great :hugs:


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## heatherr

I had my doctor's appointment today. My blood tests from my first appointment indicated possibly very very low levels of anemia, but more of what is typical during pregnancy and since I hadn't started taking prenatal vitamins yet it was understandable. I had more blood drawn today and my doctor is going to send it to be tested to make sure the levels of whatever it is is where it should be. We should have the results tomorrow. I guess with my mom's history of it and the fact that I'm a teenager I am more likely to have anemia. 

Other than that, everything looks good. Next appointment in a month I'll finally get an ultrasound!


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## ready4number1

Great news! 

I have read your thread and glad everything is working out for you thus far. Please continue to update. Will you post a baby bump picture?


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## LittleLala

Good to hear you are healthy x


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## KFrey

Hi Heather,
I can't wait to hear about your ultrasound... in a month :) Crazy to think the first time you see your baby they will be able to tell you the sex. Do you have a preference on what you are hoping your baby will be? Any more thoughts on what you might do? Keep your baby or adoption? 

How are things going with the father?

I am so happy to hear you are right on course and healthy.

I'm getting a 3D ultrasound on Friday! YAY


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## x__amour

Been following your thread for a while but only now just had time to respond. 
I'm Shannon, 23. I have an almost 4 year old and a 6 month old.

So glad things are going well for you, I hope your pregnancy and family situation continue to get better. 
See you around. :hugs:


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## heatherr

KFrey said:


> Hi Heather,
> I can't wait to hear about your ultrasound... in a month :) Crazy to think the first time you see your baby they will be able to tell you the sex. Do you have a preference on what you are hoping your baby will be? Any more thoughts on what you might do? Keep your baby or adoption?
> 
> How are things going with the father?
> 
> I am so happy to hear you are right on course and healthy.
> 
> I'm getting a 3D ultrasound on Friday! YAY

How did the ultrasound go for you? Does your doctor always do 3D or did you have to go somewhere special?

I don't really have a preference. It's hard to imagine it being a book or girl right now.

I am leaning toward keeping it. It's hard to think of giving my child away. But I feel like I am still trying to talk myself into not keeping it. I can't commit to anything right now, I'm too scared to do that.

The father is coming to make next appointment with me. Things are ok with him. I told him how I felt like I didn't want someone else to raise my baby, but I'm scared to be a parent and feel to overwhelmed by it because I will have the baby with me and have to be the main one takes by care of it. He said the baby can live with him then. I said I don't think I could do that either. So he said maybe after the baby us born and then I graduate we can live with him. But then he said he doesn't know if that's a good idea, we'll just have to split time so it's not just me all the time. I hate the whole situation.


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## wookie130

Heatherr, you really have to just follow what both your head and heart are telling you to do. At your age, you will need some help in raising the baby, and I think it's great that the father is so willing to be a part of the baby's life. It's completely fine to need help...even us "old" (lol) people need help with our kids, and need a break from time to time. Of course, if you continue contemplating adoption, that is certainly always an option also...it will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but there are a lot of blessings with it also, both for you, the adoptive family, and for your baby as well. But again, you must follow your heart. Adoption is a decision that you must be 100% at peace with, even though it's a step that comes with an automatic level of self-doubt at times, I'm sure. 

As far as how to divide the baby's time up between you and the father, if you decide that you do want to raise your child, he or she will definitely need you more in the beginning, particularly if you plan on breastfeeding. Even if you plan on bottlefeeding, expect as the baby's mother, to be the "default parent." That is not to say that the father's role isn't crucial, or important, or any of that. But, babies do have a tendency to bond and form a stronger attachment to their mommies, at least in the beginning, so that's something to keep in mind. 

Do you have resources for acquiring what you need for the baby, if you plan on raising him/her? Brand new little newborns require very little, and as easy as it is to go overboard and buy every cute new baby item and fad on the market, they need little more than a safe place to sleep, diapers (cloth or disposable), a food source (breastmilk or formula), a few toiletries (shampoo/wash/diaper cream/lotion), and some weather and size-appropriate clothing. You won't need many toys at first, as they don't really have the ability or desire to play in the beginning...new babies do a lot of sleeping, crying, pooping, eating, and that's about it. LOL! My son is 11 weeks old, and is only JUST starting to seem interested in batting toys around a bit. What babies REALLY need to thrive are free...lots of holding, love, talking, singing, rocking, walking around, and just YOU and your attention. They are a massive time-suck, but I don't know how to describe it...they're the BEST and most rewarding time-suck on Earth.


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## heatherr

No, I don't have any of my own money at all. I've never even had a job. I'd have to rely on my family or the father for right now. I could get a job, but 5 months isn't very long to save up all the money I'd need. I will get a job if I keep the baby. Even if I can't make that much, I don't want to just rely on everyone else for everything.


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## lovingmumma

hi :) im milly and i had my boy at 18 (almost 21 now) , i just wanted to say that I'm so positive everything will work out for you. I know how stressful and overwhelming it all is but it does get easier, I was so surprised with how cheap it was to actually have a baby (not saying in the long run its cheap, but the first year basically cost nothing) money was my main worry when i was pregnant and i worked as a waitress until i was due, but after having my son i released he barley needed anything apart from me, a place to live and clean clothing. I breastfed and used cloth nappies which saved me a lot of money. there are so many things which you get pushed into thinking you are going to need to buy but really don't, things like crib mobiles, wipes warmers, basinets, baby shoes, change table and toys really aren't necessities. I made do with a big thick towel on the bed as my change table lol, until i found a good second hand one. 
I really hope you are able to relax soon and everything falls into place for you 
feel free to PM me if you ever want, I'm always up for a chat lol


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## Feronia

I totally agree with the others. Babies don't need to cost very much, especially in the first year. :) We are low income and have gotten by just fine without a crib, stroller, bouncer, playmat, changing table, or really any other major baby item (they don't even need lotion or shampoo at all). Cloth diapers are cheap in the long run and you can sell them back as your baby outgrows them -- flats are the cheapest, I got 36 of them for $1 each. Check for deals on craigslist or thrift stores. Exclusively breastfeeding is of course free, and it's so true that they don't need toys for a while -- just love and attention. 

It sounds like the baby's father is really mature and I'm so glad to hear he's supporting you in your decision making process!


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## KFrey

The ultrasound went alright but wasn't able to see his face... his back was toward us the whole time so we are doing a "re-do" on Saturday. The 3D is an outside service that we pay for... just for fun. I think some doctor's have the machines that can do the 3D ultrasounds but I've never seem them switch to it. 

The father seems to be very supportive still... which is really great but ultimately the weight falls on you who has to actually MAKE the decision. I trust you will make the decision that is right for you!


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## heatherr

Money isn't a huge concern for me. If I keep it, I will get a job to contribute because I don't want my child to have to live completely off my parents. I am not really factoring that into my decision though. My parents have already said they would help me with money and so has the father. I just don't know if I want to give up my life to be a parent. I never wanted to have a kid until I was like 35. I basically just feel that I'll be miserable.
I know your life doesn't end when you have a baby and that I can still go to college, but it isn't the same. It will require completely changing my plans, always having someone else that comes first, just more difficult to manage everything all around. I guess it's different if you are happy about it and want to make it work, but that isn't the case for me. I don't want to have to work hard and struggle right now.


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## SurpriseBub

As everyone has said, a baby doesn't have to be super expensive. So much of the gear is completely unnecessary- ie. I plan to have a wrap and carry her with me for the most part. I think that is both healthier (and happily enough cheaper!) for a baby's development :) it sounds like you have the money side of things in hand for the most part though, anyway!

I was wondering- do you know anyone with a baby or small child that you could spend some time with? I was a nanny a few years ago, and for the most part loved it! that time also gave me a pretty good understanding of what to expect as a parent. Just an idea! You are right- being a parent would involve sacrifice, but it also comes with big rewards. Being hands on with a child might help you better picture what life would be like either way. :)


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## heatherr

I have babysat a lot in the past and hate it. I know it's not the same as having your own child. You obviously feel different about your own baby. I think babies and little kids are cute, but I don't really like the constantly having to care for them part. I know I probably sound really horrible and selfish. It's like this is my baby so of course I don't want to give it to someone else or see it be part of someone else's family, but when I think of having to be a parent I don't know if it's something I want. I know I have already said all of this before. I just have the same thoughts over and over.


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## Feronia

You're not horrible and selfish, this was unplanned and it's a huge responsibility to be hoisted upon anyone. It's totally fair to say and think those things and I think it's really good you're exploring your feelings. Is there any way you can talk to moms who have chosen adoption (open adoptions particularly) and moms who have chosen to keep their babies? Maybe in person? It might be helpful to hear a variety of experiences before making a decision. Though of course, only you know how you'll possibly feel and it might be totally different to someone else, even in the same situation.

As an aside, I hated kids growing up! I didn't want kids at all until a few years ago. Couldn't stand them! It's so true that having your own is sooooo different to watching someone else's. What's disgusting and a hassle to take care of in someone else's kid is totally fine on your own! :D


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## MummyMana

Just wondering what it is exactly you feel you'll be missing out on if you have your baby? May be able to put some of those anxieties to rest :)


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## SurpriseBub

That isn't horrible at all! You are weighing up a big decision, and I think that it is good to try and be somewhat pragmatic about what the pros and cons are to both options . :) I had trying times as a nanny, but also loved the relationship I built with the kids. But even so, I think that having my own baby is going to be a different ball game. I guess I thought as close to a trial run as possible might help you picture life with a baby! ...not that I guess you really can picture that experience before it happens. 

I agree with Feronia that meeting birth mothers might be helpful :)


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## heatherr

MummyMana said:


> Just wondering what it is exactly you feel you'll be missing out on if you have your baby? May be able to put some of those anxieties to rest :)

I guess just being a regular person my age. I'm scared of the responsibility, not just being able to do what I want when I want, always having to make decisions based on having a baby. I can't go far away to school or just move away if I wanted to - technically I could, but it'll be too hard for me right now to not have help and support. I feel like I'll just have to go to school and then get a good, responsible job as soon as possible because I'll need health insurance to be able to support a child.


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## heatherr

SurpriseBub said:


> That isn't horrible at all! You are weighing up a big decision, and I think that it is good to try and be somewhat pragmatic about what the pros and cons are to both options . :) I had trying times as a nanny, but also loved the relationship I built with the kids. But even so, I think that having my own baby is going to be a different ball game. I guess I thought as close to a trial run as possible might help you picture life with a baby! ...not that I guess you really can picture that experience before it happens.
> 
> I agree with Feronia that meeting birth mothers might be helpful :)

No, I agree a trial run is a good idea, it's just that I've already been around babies plenty, but you had no way to know that since I don't think I've really mentioned it. The truth is I don't really like kids at all from those experiences, but I don't know if it's the kids and or just being uncomfortable in someone else's house, having to make sure I'm doing everything the way the parents like it and think it should be done.

I am going to meet with an adoption counselor. I tried to join this online forum for adoption, but you have to be 18. I wanted to see it from both sides. Oh well, the counselor can connect me with some people in person.


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## ajarvis

Mom of 2. Pregnant with 3 here :) I don't overly enjoy most children. My sons, my nephews and niece. That's about it. I have 0 interest in caring for other peoples kids. You probably couldn't pay me enough to babysit! Mine though, and my nephews and niece. Love em. Spend as much time as possible with all of them and love babysitting them too! Something different when it's your family ;) 

I should add I like my kids friends etc and they come over and hang out. I'm not total bitch. I'm just not a huge "kid" person. So if not mine I don't want to watch them all the time if that makes sense lol.


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## MummyMana

The stuff you are worrying about, it won't even have meaning once you have your baby... Your life will start when his/hers does, everything else will be a distant memory... You won't even remember being hung up about not being able to move away for school, it will honestly be the last thing on your mind. 

It all just come naturally, you don't so it because you have to.. Or realky because you want to... You do it because it's what you do... It won't be a case of " I have to look after my baby" it will be " I am looking after my baby, I love my child and nothing else matters as long as he/she is ok" it won't feel like a chore... Or a "responsibility", it's just life, the best life.


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## wookie130

I don't feel that it's entirely fair to heatherr to try to convince her that being a mother right now would be the best thing for HER. We can only speak from our own experiences, and not every young mother feels that having a child was her calling in life, nor do all young parents process the experience in the same way.

It seems to me that you're really on the fence, heatherr, and you're absolutely right to weigh all your options. Meeting w/an adoption counselor is a good idea. As rewarding as most of us on this thread find motherhood, it does come with a great deal of sacrifice, and it's HARD. I'm 36, and it's hard for ME, with an established career, a home I own, etc. I think that this will be the most important and significant choice you will ever make, and I mean EVER. Looking at both sides rationally is the best thing to do, regardless of what any other person thinks or says to you.

We support whatever you do. This is your life, and you must do what is right for you, whatever that is.


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## MummyMana

I'm not actually trying to convince her either way at all. I told her I would try and put some how her fears to rest.

She wants do find out about both sides of things, she is seeking information from the adoption side of view, obviously we have no idea about that so all we can do is tell her what it is like from the motherhood point of view. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her.


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## SurpriseBub

Let's not get heated! I think it is important that nobody applies pressure either way on here, as that simply isn't fair. 

Nobody other than you can make this decision, Heather :) and as everyone has said over the course of this thread, you seem to be handling it very well and in a very mature way. Whichever choice you make will be one of love- you either choose to give your baby a new family (something very special and selfless), or you choose to sacrifice other things in your life to be a mother now. Both are hard, and both can be hugely rewarding. I hope you still find the board helpful, and I hope you find 'real life' resources that will help you find the right path. :hugs:


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## heatherr

It's ok, I don't feel like anyone is trying to pressure me into anything. I have never had a child, so I don't know what it feels like when they are actually here. I just worry that it isn't always that great like it is for a lot of you. I'm sure if I keep my child I will love it, but I'm not sure if I will feel it is what I am meant to do and if I will be completely happy.

But today I was thinking about it, especially after reading some stuff here, and I think maybe I just have to deal with it. Like, I'm the one who had sex so it's my fault, now I just have to deal with the consequences even if it isn't the easiest thing to do.


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## Eidson23

I have been waiting and waiting for someone to say that heatherr and I'm really happy it came from YOU. I wasn't going to say it because I figured I'd have a bunch of angry women on my back, but when I first started following this thread I thought you were being very mature about it...but then all of a sudden you start explaining why you want to choose adoption and I kept quiet. You're right, you made the adult decision to have unprotected sex, you knew the possible outcomes and you did it anyways. I don't think ANYONE wants to have a baby at 17. I sure as hell didn't! I wanted to go to college like a normal girl and not have any responsibilities, I wanted to sleep in when I wanted and live with my parents as long as possible and spend money on myself. That's a normal feeling I think, especially to be scared that you won't feel connected when you're not READY to be a mom. But you know what...I sucked it up and took responsibility for my own actions, and I've raised my son to be a good man some day, and I've made something of myself against my odds. I think adoption is a great option for some people, especially when the conditions aren't ideal and they have no support etc...but this isn't going to be like giving up a puppy that you couldn't handle. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's the reality. This is a really hard decision for you, but it's one that will affect you forever either way. You either suck it up and take responsibility and raise your child and beat the odds and succeed the hard way, or you have to live with the fact that your child is with another family...as great as they may be...but 10 years from now it may really affect you knowing that. Adoption is a great choice but I feel like it is taking advantage and selling yourself short if it's for the wrong reasons.

Please don't take this as me scolding you or pressing anything, but I got a nice hard dose of reality from my own mother when I was pregnant at 17 that I better not only be a damn good mother but also make something out of myself.

PS-I hate kids too. Even to this day. They're cute from afar but you couldn't pay me to babysit or be a teacher and be around them all day. You don't have to be all cuddly and love children to be a good mom, if that's what you're worried about. I'm sorry I sound so harsh, I'm not meaning it in a negative way and I'm also at work answering on my phone so I probably sound like a royal bitch.

I also want to add that speaking to the adoption counselor is a good idea to find out if you are doing it for the right reasons. Like others have said, they'll be able to give you a perspective that none of us have.


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## CathiiNoo

Well said Edison!


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## LittleLala

I hope you are surrounded by supportive people who help you with making whatever decision works for you heather. Your family and the father sound like really nice people. I know things are hard for you right now, and if I could, I would give you a hug. 
I'll keep following, and listening, and supporting you. I really hope you are alright <3


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## heatherr

Eidson23 said:


> I have been waiting and waiting for someone to say that heatherr and I'm really happy it came from YOU. I wasn't going to say it because I figured I'd have a bunch of angry women on my back, but when I first started following this thread I thought you were being very mature about it...but then all of a sudden you start explaining why you want to choose adoption and I kept quiet. You're right, you made the adult decision to have unprotected sex, you knew the possible outcomes and you did it anyways. I don't think ANYONE wants to have a baby at 17. I sure as hell didn't! I wanted to go to college like a normal girl and not have any responsibilities, I wanted to sleep in when I wanted and live with my parents as long as possible and spend money on myself. That's a normal feeling I think, especially to be scared that you won't feel connected when you're not READY to be a mom. But you know what...I sucked it up and took responsibility for my own actions, and I've raised my son to be a good man some day, and I've made something of myself against my odds. I think adoption is a great option for some people, especially when the conditions aren't ideal and they have no support etc...but this isn't going to be like giving up a puppy that you couldn't handle. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's the reality. This is a really hard decision for you, but it's one that will affect you forever either way. You either suck it up and take responsibility and raise your child and beat the odds and succeed the hard way, or you have to live with the fact that your child is with another family...as great as they may be...but 10 years from now it may really affect you knowing that. Adoption is a great choice but I feel like it is taking advantage and selling yourself short if it's for the wrong reasons.
> 
> Please don't take this as me scolding you or pressing anything, but I got a nice hard dose of reality from my own mother when I was pregnant at 17 that I better not only be a damn good mother but also make something out of myself.
> 
> PS-I hate kids too. Even to this day. They're cute from afar but you couldn't pay me to babysit or be a teacher and be around them all day. You don't have to be all cuddly and love children to be a good mom, if that's what you're worried about. I'm sorry I sound so harsh, I'm not meaning it in a negative way and I'm also at work answering on my phone so I probably sound like a royal bitch.
> 
> I also want to add that speaking to the adoption counselor is a good idea to find out if you are doing it for the right reasons. Like others have said, they'll be able to give you a perspective that none of us have.

I think I have stated several times, even from the beginning when I wasn't sure about going through with the pregnancy at all, that I knew my reasons were mainly selfish. 

Technically, I didn't have unprotected sex. We used a condom every time, but I did let him inside me a few times without a condom on. But it doesn't matter because regardless of protection you take a risk every time you have sex. I was really one of those people who thought "it won't happen to me." I don't know why I thought that because it's really stupid.

The more I think about it since reading your comment an hour ago, I wonder why I should feel obligated to keep my baby if I don't want to be a parent. It would be understandable if I didn't have resources and support, but since I have those things adoption isn't as valid of an option for me? Why can't adoption be a responsible option? Like everyone keeps saying, I will have to live with the decision forever, and I think it's obvious by how much I go back and forth that it would not be an easy decision for me to make. What would I be taking advantage of? It's not like I'm taking advantage of adoption, pawning my kid off on someone else, and just moving on with my life as if nothing ever happened. If I don't want to be a parent and someone else is desperate to have a baby and ready to make those sacrifices, why would it be the wrong reasons? 
I have to be able to live with my own reasons I guess and I do realize that 10 years from now I might not agree with the reasons I have now. But then sometimes I think maybe in 10 years I will be somewhere in my life that I couldn't have gotten to with having a baby so young. Maybe I'll be happy with my decision. It'd be so much easier if I could just see the future and know. 

I just go around and around with my decision and I know fob is getting tired of hearing about it. He told me I should have just ended the pregnancy because I don't want any other option and it sounds like that's what would have worked out best for me. He also said if I really want to know how he feels, he doesn't want to be a parent, but he has friends who are adopted and even though they both have loving families, they have issues that stem from being adopted, so it sucks either way and I just have to figure out what I can live with and stop jerking him around with a new decision every day.

Anyway, then that made me feel guilty because what if my child feels unwanted because of me? I don't really want an open adoption, but I would do that if it made it easier for the baby growing up. But then what do I tell them for why I gave them up?


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## wookie130

Heatherr, I do and still feel that you're weighing all of this as carefully as can be expected. I am very proud that you're trying to do what is best for everyone...and yes, what is best for YOU matters also!

My former comment was not intended to turn this into a heated debate by any means. I just feel that describing how wonderful it is to be a mother is not helpful to someone who is not a mother yet, and is very much on the fence about being a mother at all... Motherhood is a very personal experience. For some, it was an accident, but a happy one, nonetheless. For others, such as myself, we had a long journey to become a mother, and wanted nothing more in our life than to have children of our own. Some of us are older women, some of us are younger, and that can change the experience dramatically, also.

I also feel that either decision carries lifelong consequences...either way is a different way of "taking responsibility" for the decision to have sex. Adoption is definitely NOT the "easy way out" and I know that the vast majority of women who have made that choice will tell anyone that it was the most difficult thing anyone can ever do. I can't even imagine having to make that choice, but again, I really wanted my children, and planned for both of them, etc., so my experience is very different in this way.

Heatherr, I do feel that the father is going to have to suck it up, and allow you to work through this...if he's tired of you going back and forth, that's just too bad!!! He doesn't have to endure any of the physical aspects of pregnancy, or any of the other challenges you'll face being the mother...not that his opinion doesn't matter, but it's definitely more in your hands. 

You're doing great. Whatever you decide to do in the long-run is the best choice for both you and your baby...it will become more clear as time moves on in your pregnancy which way you'll want to go.


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## Feff

Subscribing for now, will write a proper reply when my daughter is in bed :hugs:


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## Eidson23

heatherr said:


> I think I have stated several times, even from the beginning when I wasn't sure about going through with the pregnancy at all, that I knew my reasons were mainly selfish.
> 
> Technically, I didn't have unprotected sex. We used a condom every time, but I did let him inside me a few times without a condom on. But it doesn't matter because regardless of protection you take a risk every time you have sex. I was really one of those people who thought "it won't happen to me." I don't know why I thought that because it's really stupid.
> 
> The more I think about it since reading your comment an hour ago, I wonder why I should feel obligated to keep my baby if I don't want to be a parent. It would be understandable if I didn't have resources and support, but since I have those things adoption isn't as valid of an option for me? Why can't adoption be a responsible option? Like everyone keeps saying, I will have to live with the decision forever, and I think it's obvious by how much I go back and forth that it would not be an easy decision for me to make. What would I be taking advantage of? It's not like I'm taking advantage of adoption, pawning my kid off on someone else, and just moving on with my life as if nothing ever happened. If I don't want to be a parent and someone else is desperate to have a baby and ready to make those sacrifices, why would it be the wrong reasons?
> I have to be able to live with my own reasons I guess and I do realize that 10 years from now I might not agree with the reasons I have now. But then sometimes I think maybe in 10 years I will be somewhere in my life that I couldn't have gotten to with having a baby so young. Maybe I'll be happy with my decision. It'd be so much easier if I could just see the future and know.
> 
> I just go around and around with my decision and I know fob is getting tired of hearing about it. He told me I should have just ended the pregnancy because I don't want any other option and it sounds like that's what would have worked out best for me. He also said if I really want to know how he feels, he doesn't want to be a parent, but he has friends who are adopted and even though they both have loving families, they have issues that stem from being adopted, so it sucks either way and I just have to figure out what I can live with and stop jerking him around with a new decision every day.
> 
> Anyway, then that made me feel guilty because what if my child feels unwanted because of me? I don't really want an open adoption, but I would do that if it made it easier for the baby growing up. But then what do I tell them for why I gave them up?

I knew my post would make people defensive, especially you, and I apologize if I came off crude. I've kept up with this thread, and I have seen that you acknowledge that your reasons appear selfish.

If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".

Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has *been there*. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I _personally_ feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome _all_ obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.

I KNOW that this is hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (either way!) I tried to make sure I stated that I was answering in a short amount of time and on my phone, and I also said that I feel like you're taking all the right steps towards making an educated decision. Talking to an adoption counselor will probably help you tremendously. I didn't mean my post in a bad way, and didn't mean to make you feel guilty...but it's really hard to sugar coat things like this. Anyone in this position needs support, which you have here as well as your family, and a reality check.

I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't meaning to. I do think that your talks with the counselor will help a lot. Everyone here will support you no matter what you decide, including me. No one can know your exact predicament, even with the longest post ever we could never know, and no one has any right to judge you based on the little information we have about you.


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## Feronia

I think all options carry heavy emotional costs in a situation like this, and honestly I don't know what I'd do if I were in situation like yours. Only you can decide, but I can certainly sympathize with it being a tough decision.

My boyfriend (now husband) and I were having sex since we were 15, and like you, we used birth control but sometimes weren't very responsible with it. We had a few pregnancy scares when I was 16-17, and though I thankfully wasn't pregnant, I remember freaking out each time. I consider myself pretty responsible, but your situation could have easily been mine. I had no idea what I'd do either. Raising a baby at that age certainly has emotional consequences, as does giving the baby up for adoption, as does termination (though you're beyond that point anyway). Yes, you had sex, but you were using condoms, and this was an accident. It's nobody's fault. That happens sometimes, but it doesn't mean you would be making an irresponsible decision if you did choose adoption.


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## Feronia

Eidson23 said:


> If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".
> 
> Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has *been there*. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I _personally_ feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome _all_ obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.

Withdrawal has a failure of about 4% if done correctly (higher if not). Condoms have a failure rate of about 12%. Either method can fail. Hell, I've become pregnant on the IUD, the nuvaring, and the diaphragm (We've used every birth control method under the sun in the 12 years we've been together and I've never become pregnant using withdrawal, and the two of us are very fertile, lol). The point is that withdrawal, though not a perfect method by _any_ means is still something! Having sex without regard to _any_ birth control if you don't want to become pregnant is irresponsible.

Anyway, that doesn't really matter much since what's done is done. But how would adoption be not taking responsibility for one's actions? Sometimes it's better to raise the baby, and sometimes it's better for the baby, mother, and father to choose adoption. I know that babies who are adopted are ~very~ much loved and wanted, so I don't see how that would be an irresponsible decision. I personally don't think that either decision is "selfish." I think either decision will be the right one once she takes more time to process it over and make a decision.


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## heatherr

Eidson23 said:


> I knew my post would make people defensive, especially you, and I apologize if I came off crude. I've kept up with this thread, and I have seen that you acknowledge that your reasons appear selfish.
> 
> If you had sex without a condom in any way, shape or form...that's unprotected. But as you've stated, there's a risk most of the time regardless so that's beside the point. I think everyone who is not actively TTC thinks "it won't happen to me". I was in the same boat, been there. Look on the 1000s of threads of women who are pregnant from the almighty "pull out method".
> 
> Again, this is all my opinion from someone who has *been there*. Literally in your exact position, minus the lying about my age part. I _personally_ feel like part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. Flat out, no sugar coating. I feel like women who are strong enough to overcome _all_ obstacles thrown at them are the strongest. I feel like owning your mistakes makes you a better person, and inspires others to be strong as well. I feel like humans who are capable of sucking it up and working through their problems are the better people.
> 
> I KNOW that this is hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (either way!) I tried to make sure I stated that I was answering in a short amount of time and on my phone, and I also said that I feel like you're taking all the right steps towards making an educated decision. Talking to an adoption counselor will probably help you tremendously. I didn't mean my post in a bad way, and didn't mean to make you feel guilty...but it's really hard to sugar coat things like this. Anyone in this position needs support, which you have here as well as your family, and a reality check.
> 
> I'm sorry if I upset you, I really wasn't meaning to. I do think that your talks with the counselor will help a lot. Everyone here will support you no matter what you decide, including me. No one can know your exact predicament, even with the longest post ever we could never know, and no one has any right to judge you based on the little information we have about you.

Relax, I'm not sitting here super upset by anything you said. I get it.

The only thing I took issue with was that it basically sounded like you were saying, and especially in my case since I don't have financial issues or lack of support, etc., taking responsibility for one's actions/owning one's mistakes = parenting. I was mature when I first starting posting, but after hearing my reasons for wanting to choose adoption I was less responsible. But at the same time, I realize your are just sharing your own personal opinions and tbh that is what I'm asking for here. I rather people not sugar coat everything or say things like "everything will be fine" when that isn't always the case. That's not what I came here for. That's what all my friends tell me, but they just say that because none of them have been pregnant and what else can they say? 

Maybe I'm really not that strong. I mean, I've never even had a job before and have basically had things handed to me. I don't know how to cope relying only on myself, and now I have to consider not only myself but a baby that would depend on me too? I know I have support from my family, but I don't really want them paying for me and my child for years I admire those that sacrifice and work twice as hard to reach their goals, but I don't know if that is something I can handle any time soon. Not everyone is cut out to make it in those situations. Like I said last night, part of me does feel like that's what I deserve and I just have to deal with it. But then another part of me says just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I have to make life harder on myself when there are other options that might be better for everyone. 

I know you understand the situation I'm in and where I'm coming from.


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## heatherr

And yeah, maybe I need to hear from people who placed their children for adoption and find out what their reasons were and how they feel now. Maybe it will change how I feel. If there are people who had reasons similar to mine, it'd be interesting to find out how they felt about it later, compared to those that had to choose adoption more out of necessity due to their situations. I'm sure my feelings will change 20 times in the next 10 weeks regardless.


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## Eidson23

Heatherr, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I'd bet my life you're stronger than you think you are right now. Thanks for understanding.


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## wookie130

I think if there's a way to get hooked up w/biological moms that have placed their kids up for adoption, that would be a very eye-opening experience! Hopefully that is something a counselor can direct you toward!


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## wifey2013

Hi Heather,


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## SurpriseBub

I agree 100% that taking responsibility does not equal keeping the baby. It is being mature and responsible in your decision (either way), which you are clearly putting your whole heart and mind into. I don't think that it is right or fair for anyone to push explicitly one way or the other. 

If you meet with a counsellor, maybe they will help answer some of the concerns you have about adoption? I think in terms of open/closed there is a huge spectrum to work with. Some people seem to agree on visits, others on annual cards, others on completely closed. I am sure you can navigate a level of contact that both you and the adoptive parents would feel is best for everyone involved (and especially the baby). Personally, (but I have also never been a birth mother!) I do think that if you give up a baby, you should be willing to have contact with them at some point when they are older to offer closure if nothing else. 

It is true that if you parent, you would close certain doors, but you would also open new ones that You might not be able to see just yet. I have a friend who is in her 40s, and she had a friend who got pregnant during college. This woman kept the baby, and although it was tough, they have done great. She is also very successful in her career- having her baby young meant that while she was busy early on, when she was 30, her son was pretty self sufficient, and since then she has been able to do a lot in her career (while other women her age are often just entering the baby stage). 

Either way, there will be pros and cons for you. Wishing you lots of luck and wisdom as you explore both adoption and keeping the baby. :hugs:


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## Mummy1995

Feronia said:


> Glad everything went well! There really is no reason to do a scan at this point if you're sure about when your LMP is and know the general length of your cycles. The due date they gave you might be off by a couple of days or a week due to variations in ovulation, but that doesn't really matter. Babies don't come on their due dates most of the time anyway. ;)
> 
> Have you spoken to the father since?

I disagree as a student midwife. One of the least important things we look for on a scan is if the dates match. A scan in medical terms is to make sure there are no medical issues with the baby, its screening the baby, womb, placenta etc for any abnormalities, multiple pregnancy etc! Sorry I know its OT to OP but just thought id let you know as its a common misconception that the first scan is just to date pregnancy and see baby!


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## Mummy1995

Just read this thread.

Please realise you don't have to give up all these things because you have a baby, yes it's harder but it's not impossible. I was 16 when I got pregnant. Was with the father but he basically told me to get an abortion or he'd break up with me, and he did! I went to school til I was 38 weeks, work til I was 37 weeks (although was only working 4hrs a week) and had my girl at 39 weeks. I then returned to school when Isabella was 11 weeks and finished my exams and got into university. Im now over half way through my first year of bejng a student midwife. And it's an immensely pressuring course, I have to do 12 hour shifta with an hour drive there and back and fit in being a mum and work plus the general eating and sleeping! Ive done all this without any support from the father as he just isn't cut out to be a parent and doesnt want to be. My parents have been my rock and it sounds like yours will be too! Honestly if I can do it so can you. 

I'm saying this because you need to realise that having a baby doesn't stop you from being able to achieve your dreams! 

But of course adoption is an option that youre obviously toying with - and thats not a bad thing. I know I did!! Even when LO was here I wondered (sometimes still do) if shed have been better off being adopted. But I know I could never have done it, and if I had done id have completely regretted it. I think adoptions wonderful and gives others a chance to be a parent and babies a great life. But I think it's something you need to be 100% set on. If you have doubts then I think you would end up regretting your decision and I cant imagine how difficult that would be to live with. Good luck, hope you come to a decision soon so you can accept it and look positively to the future rather than having all this confusion on top of you xx


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## Feronia

Mummy1995 said:


> Feronia said:
> 
> 
> Glad everything went well! There really is no reason to do a scan at this point if you're sure about when your LMP is and know the general length of your cycles. The due date they gave you might be off by a couple of days or a week due to variations in ovulation, but that doesn't really matter. Babies don't come on their due dates most of the time anyway. ;)
> 
> Have you spoken to the father since?
> 
> I disagree as a student midwife. One of the least important things we look for on a scan is if the dates match. A scan in medical terms is to make sure there are no medical issues with the baby, its screening the baby, womb, placenta etc for any abnormalities, multiple pregnancy etc! Sorry I know its OT to OP but just thought id let you know as its a common misconception that the first scan is just to date pregnancy and see baby!Click to expand...

I'm a wannabe student midwife (applying for the second year in a row) :haha:, doula, and currently under midwifery care. It really depends on the area. I'm very against scans "just to see baby" so that's not what I meant at all. Here, early scans (around 9-12 weeks) are either for dating purposes if a woman is very unsure how far along she is or if a woman is 35+ (or high risk for NTDs) she is also offered a NTT. Otherwise, they are not standard at all, but maybe they are in your area. If a woman knows her LMP and cycle length, she is not offered an early scan (unless there are indications to do so). The actual scan for anomalies takes place between 18-22 weeks since you can't determine many anomalies until then, and it sounds like this is the same in Heather's area since her first scan takes place around then. :thumbup:


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## wookie130

As someone who had a bazillion early scans (history of recurrent miscarriage) during both pregnancies, I can tell you that that WOULDN'T have happened, without my history of pregnancy loss. My OB/gyn practice offers one ultrasound around 20 weeks to check for abnormalities (unless you opt for the nuchal translucency scan around 12 weeks, of course) and that's it, unless there are other reasons to perform an ultrasound. My early scans were reassurance scans, and to check for a heartbeat, viability, etc., especially since I tend to bleed in the first tri. So, yeah, without being a student midwife, or a wannabe student midwife rofl:), I can vouch for what Feronia is saying...I'm just a gal who has been pregnant a bunch of times, with only two live births to show for it, and that's why I needed more than the one anatomy scan. They can't really detect a lot of abnormalities in the fetus before then anyway, can they?

Anyhoo, yeah. Back to the topic at hand. :) LOL!


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## Mummy1995

Must differ, im in the UK and wr look for other things as well as Downs Syndrome in the 12 week scan :) I find it so interesting how practise differs so much between countries!


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## RubyRedLips

Heather, I just want to let you know that I think you sound like a fabulous young lady. This is a tough situation, but it sounds like everything will turn out just great for you in the end.

Please remember that this is your decision and yours alone. While it's great that you're seeking input from the baby's father, just remember that it's your legal right to make whatever decision you choose. It seems like you're getting a lot of pressure here to keep your baby so I just wanted you to know you have my 100% support in whichever of the 3 options (abortion/adoption/raising the baby) you choose. If you ever feel like you need a sympathetic ear, feel free to send me a message.

And for what's it's worth, I don't think there's anything about adoption that's selfish. If that's what you decide to do, you could be the answer to an infertile or same sex couple's prayers.


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## xforuiholdonx

This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well. 
I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER :hugs:


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## Feff

Hi heather, I've read the most of this thread and just wanted to give you a little input into life as a single young mother so you have a bit more of an idea of what it'll be like (if you don't choose adoption.

When I found out I was pregnant I wasn't with my daughters dad. We were in a relationship before I got pregnant but was split up (I thought we were getting back together) when I got pregnant. He didn't want anything to do with the baby when I was pregnant until I had a DNA test because of doubts, I refused because he was drinking a lot, smoked weed and was a dick to put it nicely. So I was a single when I was pregnant. Going through something that big on your own is HARD especially being 16. I had the support of my family like you have so that helped a lot, and my friends. I dropped out of college because I found it too stressful with getting ready for Elodie to arrive. When she did arrive I didn't get that rush of love people talk about. I know you said above that you don't really like kids but you know it'll be different with your own. Well that's what I thought too but it took months for me to bond with her, I loved her but not like she was mine, I kept thinking somebody would take her off me lol! I'm not trying to scare you just telling you the truth. As she grew up I found it really hard that I couldn't just go out and do what my friends do. I still find that hard. But you'll have the baby's dad to help so you will get me time which is so important to keep you sane! Now Elodie is 18 months it's so much easier, I can drive, I've done an open university course and I'm applying for jobs in my local hospital. When she's in bed I do some crafty bits, have a bath or do something for myself. I honestly can't imagine my life without her. Like you I was the good girl. So many people told me I wasn't the type whatever the type is. But things happen! I did think about abortion (not adoption because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it) but I thought that it was my decision to have sex. I knew the consequences so it was my responsibility! Elodie's dad is now in her life, he's seen her about 7 times and she loves him. It's hard having to share her lol!

Anyway sorry for the ramble, I'm really tired and have a cold so not in the best frame of mind! But if you want to message me feel free x


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## Turtle0630

xforuiholdonx said:


> This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
> In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well.
> I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER :hugs:

I completely agree with this. And even with both of your signatures, there's still a waiting period of I think 3 months?..something like that...where even though the adoptive parents have the child in their care, either biological parent can basically change their mind and take the baby back. The child is technically considered a ward of the state during that time, until the waiting period is over and the adoption can officially go through. It may differ by state, but that is how it was for my cousin's daughter recently. She gave her baby up for adoption in June (in Colorado), and both her and the father signed away their rights but there was still that waiting period where either of them could change their mind. I also know that she was put in touch with other birth mothers who had already given their babies up for adoption before she gave birth, and it helped her tremendously. In fact, she very good friends with one of the birth mothers now. I think it helps to have someone to talk to that knows first hand what it's like, so if you can find that (especially if you do decide to go that route, but also even in the time that you're trying to decide), I think that would help tremendously. Her adoption was a very open one and she is in contact a lot with the parents, including visits. It was the best decision that she ever made for HER, and she's so happy that she did it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's what's right for you, as only you can know what that is, just saying it was great for her.


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## RubyRedLips

xforuiholdonx said:


> This is just a thought as I know how adoption works in the US:
> In order to have your child adopted you have to have the fathers consent, meaning he has to sign away his legal rights as well, and if he doesn't then he can contest the adoption, etc. I think as the father of the child he should be consulted and he should have a say as to what happens as well.
> I'm happy to see you both working this out TOGETHER :hugs:

Actually, the law on this varies state to state. In every state, the biological father has the right to be NOTIFIED that the child is being put up for adoption. But if the parents were never married and never lived together (as in Heather's case), the birth father's consent is not required in most states.


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## peachymomma

I think you are smart to give a lot of thought to all decisions. It is a HUGE life altering choice no matter what you decide. You will NEVER be the same again. From now on you will always be a mother...even if you choose not to parent. I kinda get the vibe that everyone is nudging you towards parenting, because that is what they decided to do. Just because it was right for them doesn't mean it is right for you....and MORE importantly right for your baby. That should be your main focus. If you feel that your not ready to put another's needs before your own, then allowing another family who is ready to do so just might be the right decision. I think if you decide to parent you will do what you have to do for your child. Because you seem like a sensible/responsible girl. But you might end up resenting your child for the sacrifices you'll have to make. Being a parent is VERY challenging. Some days down right suck, tbh. ( tho there are tons of rewards too!) You just have to decide if you feel like you or another family can give him or her a more loving and stable environment to grow up in. But know that no matter what decision you make you will rise to the challenges involved. Cause when push comes to shove we taste what we're made of. Best Wishes to you, I look forward to following your journey.


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## Feronia

I don't get the sense that the majority of people on this thread are nudging her towards any direction over another, and there have been plenty of pro-adoption comments. I have said as well as several others here that either option is perfectly valid, isn't less "responsible," and that it's totally 100% up to her. Most of us here seem to be supporting her in her decision, whatever that ends up being.


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## heatherr

Regarding the father's consent to adoption, I have been trying to find the laws in my state regarding adoption (not just regarding the father) and it is a little confusing, but I think I found it. It sounds like I would only have 7 days to change my mind after I sign the forms. I wonder how many people do that? It also seems like generally you need the father's consent, but there are ways to get around that if they don't consent. Well, he can't force me to keep the baby, so he'd have to keep it himself and I don't really see that happening. 
Obviously I will have to talk to talk to a professional about it to know for sure. It seems really weird, like there are all of these loopholes for everything. 

But besides that, I just want to say that I really appreciate all of the support from everyone here. I know that a lot of people here that have been in completely different situations than me, even struggled to get pregnant, and you still support whatever decision I will make. It makes me feel not so bad about weighing my options. Even though it sort of sounds like I'm putting myself first in my decision, it doesn't mean I don't feel bad or guilty when I think of not parenting. At first, I was scared to tell anyone (in real life) that I was really thinking about adoption. But now I feel like people will be more accepting because so many people here have been too.


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## RubyRedLips

Heather, I'm a family lawyer so I know a fair bit about the laws of my state and those neighboring it but I'm not familiar with the little nuances of every state so I'd likely be of little help to you. But feel free to message me if you have any questions you want me to research about your particular state's laws. Adoption agencies can also be a good resource for you because they know the ins and outs of the rules and the process and have likely encountered every scenario.

I'm glad you're thinking carefully and weighing all the advice and opinions you're hearing here. The truth is, none of us know firsthand the benefits and challenges of each choice because we've each really only experienced one way. There are several young moms on here who can tell you all about the joys their child(ren) brought them, even though they were unplanned. I don't know anything about that (I'm currently pregnant for the first time with twins in my early 30s and they were painstakingly planned and achieved only through the help of fertility meds). What I can tell you is that my care-free college days and the rest of my 20s were some of the best times of my life. So I guess what I'm saying is either choice comes with pros and cons and it's up to you to weigh what's most important to you and what's in your heart.

I can tell you're a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders so you'll make the right choice for you. As always, continue to reach out to all of us with your questions and concerns.


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## MiniKiwi

I think an adoption board would be a good place for you to look. We are obviously the other side and can only offer our opinions based on our experiences of having children. Talking to women who have been through the adoption process (or even just considered it) would likely help you a lot more to understand that whole process and everything involved.

I'm another who can see that you're stronger than you think you are. Sending you lots of hugs :hugs:


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## Feff

What are you most scared of about having a baby? Perhaps we can help you with your fears? I'm not trying to push you into any decision but I can't help with the adoption part because I've never had any experience of it so I can try to help with the parenting part x


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## EllieBean

Hi Heather!

Obviously, your decision is yours alone and there is no way any of us will be able to tell what is best for you. I'd love to be able to help you, but I think nobody really can. Only you know how you feel. 

I got pregnant at 16 and first wanted to abort, couldn't go through with it and then decided I wanted to give her up for adoption. Obviously, I didn't go through with that either, but I completely understand what you're going through. I know how hard it is and I hope that you'll make the right decision. 
You don't need to think that either option is more or less selfish than the other. It's true, you are about to make a decision that will affect another person's whole life. But you can't forget that while being pregnant makes you a mother at least to some extent, that doesn't mean you cease to be your own person with your own wishes, needs and life. Keeping a child although you don't want to raise it wouldn't do it any favors. In that case, I believe that the child would lead a happier life growing up with adoptive parents who'll love it and care for it like parents should. 

I ultimately decided to keep my little girl because at some point in the pregnancy, I fell in love. I started loving her so fiercely I couldn't imagine anymore to ever give her up. 

When these feelings come, keep your child. When they don't and you don't want to be a parent, then don't. 

It's your choice and although I can't help you make your decision, I hope I could help make you feel better, because I understand.


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## heatherr

I have looked for adoption forums online and can't really find much out there. There is one that I signed up for, but was banned before I could post because you have to be 18. There are other places, but you have to be a client of the particular adoption agency. I can't believe I can't find any other active sites. I am going to meet with a counselor and I'm sure they can connect me to people, but sometimes I feel like I can be a little more honest if I'm not actually talking to someone face to face. I probably won't meet with a counselor until after my next doctor's appointment and the sonogram. I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'll see it and feel differently. I am still embarrassed to even say I'm pregnant to someone in person.


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## missk1989

heatherr said:


> I have looked for adoption forums online and can't really find much out there. There is one that I signed up for, but was banned before I could post because you have to be 18. There are other places, but you have to be a client of the particular adoption agency. I can't believe I can't find any other active sites. I am going to meet with a counselor and I'm sure they can connect me to people, but sometimes I feel like I can be a little more honest if I'm not actually talking to someone face to face. I probably won't meet with a counselor until after my next doctor's appointment and the sonogram. I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'll see it and feel differently. I am still embarrassed to even say I'm pregnant to someone in person.

there is an adoption forum on here. Maybe you could speak to those mums even though they were likely on the recieving end of a child?


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## heatherr

I didn't even know there was an adoption section here. I made a post there. Maybe someone will know a good site for me to check out or maybe there are people who have put their baby up for adoption.


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## MrsC8776

Hi Heather, 

I've been following your story and I wanted to start out by saying that you are an amazing young woman. You're smart and you want to consider all your options which I think is amazing. No matter what you decided to do, you will still be an amazing young woman. Since you have been having trouble finding info and wanting to talk to someone who has been in your shoes, I started searching. Thinking to myself "how in the world is there nothing out there for teen moms?" I did find something but I don't know if you've looked at the website or not. I haven't navigated through it much but maybe it could help you. :flower:

https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/teen_pregnancy

I hope it helps and that you are able to join. I see that there is a place to speak to birth moms on the right hand side of the page.


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## heatherr

^ Thank you. That site actually had a lot of really good info on it and it's easy to understand. Some things I found were just really complicated. It still doesn't have a messageboard, but I've pretty much given up on finding anything like that. I guess I will just wait until I talk to someone in person.


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## pansorie

Hello Heather. I am really sorry you found yourself in this situation, and I do hope it all works out for the best. I do find you to be a strong person, as I quite clearly remember what life was like when I was 17, and I knew back then I could not handle a child, and was one of the reasons I abstained from sex for as long as I did. 

I do think there is something that you have said a couple of times that I think you should reconsider, which is this:



heatherr said:


> ...and especially in my case since I don't have financial issues...

The fact is that you DO have financial issues now, especially if you are planning on keeping the child. I can understand you thinking this way, though, since in the same post you mentioned this:



heatherr said:


> I mean, I've never even had a job before and have basically had things handed to me.

While I am sure your parents will be more than willing to help you and the baby out I would not consider this a permanent situation. I would also reconsider the idea that because of their willingness to help this alleviates you of any financial obligation. I am also assuming that you are not familiar with your parents financial situation. I know it may APPEAR that they are economically stable, but as someone who works at a financial institution and looks at bank accounts day in and day out this may not always be the case. Unless you have intimate knowledge of their credit cards, loans, mortgage, 401k, etc I would not rely solely on them for years to come. 

For what you have said, I think adoption would be your best route this late in the game. You are handling the situation itself with grace and maturity, but you can tell just by your writing that you still are, very much, a teenager. And while having a baby forces you to grow up, you seem to have the foresight that motherhood may not be something for you.

I have a friend who had a child when she was 17 that she gave up for adoption. She said it was the best worst decision she had to ever make in her entire life. She actually still keeps in contact with the family, and visits them once a year. The adoptive parents are young, successful doctors. THEY are financially stable. THEY have the means to care for a baby. Teenagers, even with the support of their parents, generally do not. 

I know this is a horrible decision to make, and I wish you the best. Having a baby is tough. I am sure whatever decision you make will be the right decision for everybody in the end.


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## Desi's_lost

As long as her parents are willing to help, finances are no reason to give up a baby. If the parents have the means to help, it'll take 3-5 years and OP can become financially secure. Money should never be the main factor in deciding to give up your baby.


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## pansorie

Desi's_lost said:


> As long as her parents are willing to help, finances are no reason to give up a baby. If the parents have the means to help, it'll take 3-5 years and OP can become financially secure. Money should never be the main factor in deciding to give up your baby.


I never said money should be a main factor in keeping the baby. If anything, I said it seems like she realizes motherhood is not for her and THAT should be the main factor.



> _*For what you have said,* I think adoption would be your best route this late in the game. You are handling the situation itself with grace and maturity, but you can tell just by your writing that you still are, very much, a teenager. And while having a baby forces you to grow up, *you seem to have the foresight that motherhood may not be something for you.* My point on money is to not think of it as not being an issue just because mom and dad are willing to help. Fact is, if she keeps it it eventually will be._

What she has said throughout this thread: she wants to be a normal 17 year old/young adult. She wants to go to school, and the idea of caring for a baby is daunting for her. She also mentioned she wasn't interested in motherhood until something like her 30s. If anything, just from reading the thread it sounds like she doesn't want to be a mom, at least not right now, which is perfectly fine and understandable. The issue of finances is just one to consider in a whole slew of things to think about.


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## Feronia

I don't think any of us are in the position to advise Heather about what to do since it's 100% her decision. It sounds to me like she's working through totally legitimate concerns, and I don't think we can judge what the "best decision" (if there even is one) would be based on a few things said on a forum. I believe anyone in her situation would consider the things that would be lost from one's life, but those considerations don't necessarily mean that it's a clear decision.


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## heatherr

Well, I obviously could not afford to have a baby all by myself. I couldn't even support myself on my own. My parents have told me they will help financially right now if I decide to keep it. They do not want me to make a decision because of money. I do not have an in-depth understanding of all of their finances, but I assume since they can support our family and have offered to help with a baby that they are aware of what they can handle. We live pretty comfortably. It doesn't mean I feel good about them having to possibly support my child. I don't see it as a long term thing though. I don't want to be living off my parents forever, let alone my child living off them. It already makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about them supporting my child for the next few years. They did say I would have to get a job and contribute, which is understandable. Regardless, it will make me feel guilty. They already have to pay my medical bills out of pocket because our insurance does not cover my pregnancy. It covers me for other things, but not prenatal care. Although, the father has offered to contribute to that, but my parents said no. 

My ultrasound is this coming Friday and I am getting so nervous about it. I get a stomach ache when I think about it and my heart starts beating so fast. I don't know if I want Friday to come or if I want this week to drag on for a long time so I can put it off. How long does a normal ultrasound normally take?


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## wookie130

A normal ultrasound doesn't take long at all...30 minutes, generally, sometimes less. Some OB offices are more generous, and take their time with it, and give a nice long hour-long ultrasound, but generally they don't take this long, I'd say.

Do NOT be nervous, seriously. I LOVED my ultrasounds. It's not painful, and at your gestation, they'll be using the abdominal wand, rather than a transvaginal ultrasound device. You just pull your pants down a bit, they squirt the warm gel on your pelvis, and perform measurements on the baby, make sure that he/she has all of his/her body parts in tact, check his/her organs, check for abnormalities, and if you wish, you can learn the sex of the baby. Most of the time, most ultrasound technicians or doctors will provide a 4D view of the baby for you, and print off pictures...you will really be able to see the details of your baby's face, and he/she will really look like a baby. Bring up some 4D ultrasound photos on Google Images, and you'll know what I mean! There is really nothing to be afraid of...it is a painless procedure, and the odds of anything being wrong with the baby are very, very low.

How have you been feeling? Are you feeling any movements from the baby? Is your energy starting to return a bit more?

This is still your choice, whether or not to keep the baby...it does not matter what any of us feel you should or should not do, because we're not YOU. I think things will become a bit more clear to you after your ultrasound, however. There is something about seeing that baby that makes the whole thing a lot more real.


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## heatherr

I am not as concerned with the actual ultrasound as I am with what you just said...how nothing will make it seem more real than that! It sounds stupid at this point, but I'm still partly in denial. I don't know how that can be when I think about it non stop and now I am noticeably pregnant and people ask me about it and talk about me behind my back. I can't hide it anymore. But it feels like it's not real at the same time. Like somehow it will end and I'll go back to normal and everyone will forget. But everything will change once I see the baby on the screen and know it's really in there. I have not felt any movement yet.

Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me. But after that, I have to really start trying to come to a decision. I don't want to save everything until the last minute. I have to meet with an adoption counselor after all of this is done. Now, I am leaning more toward adoption, and even though I feel sort of sick when I think about it and it makes me sad, it makes me feel better than when I think about being a parent. 

I am excited to find out if it's a boy or a girl. I'm not going to wait to find out. I'm also sort of worried. I've been dreaming all of this weird stuff that they're going to find. I have crazy dreams related to the baby and usually the birth all the time! 

My energy level is ok. I am fine during the day for the most part, but by 5:00 I want to nap every day. Sometimes I have a hard time staying focused in school because I am really tired and want to get up and walk around, but can't. My stomach has also been killing me for the past 3 days or so. Really bad constipation and bloating and all that gross stuff that is apparently completely normal.


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## Aidan's Mummy

I hun I haven't read the whole thread but I have go the jist I think. I had my son when I was 17 and whilst my situation was different to yours I can completely empathise.



> Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me

I felt bit like this to but unfortunately it won't become clearer I think seeing your baby wil make it even harder. I kept my son and when I saw him it was such a rush of love. 

Meeting with an adoption counsellor I think would defiantly be a big help. Have you thought about what sort adoption you would like i.e open or closed?
Don't worry about what people are saying, I know it's hard but they don't matter. What matters is you and your baby. Good luck and eel free to message me


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## SurpriseBub

As hard as it can seem, try to ignore the people talking behind your back. High school can be a boring time, so they are just excited to have something to talk about! You know the whole 'it gets better' movement? It is so true... I left high school and have kept in touch with about 10 friends (to varying degrees). The rest of those people don't matter in the slightest, and you will be surprised how quickly you forget things like their last names! :flower: 

I was very nervous for our 20 week ultrasound, but was excited by the time it was actually happening. I asked lots of questions, and you can try to get the tech to talk you through it. It is all so weirdly fascinating! :) and just as an aside- the 4d thing doesn't happen everywhere. We just had the 2d, and I think a lot of places are the same- that just depends on what your doctor's office has in terms of both policies and equipment. I hope all goes well, and it is a positive day for you.


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## Garnet

I have read your whole thread and followed along! I was a young mother too! I was 18 and unfortunately had no support from parents! It was very hard but I made it through college and I have a very wonderful daughter out of it! It is a very tough decision because my parent already had my child adopted to others behind my back! I chose to do it alone! It is your choice and only You can decide! Always remember people talking behind your back they are not the one in this situation so they have not significance in your life!


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## skyesmom

i hope the ultrasound does offer you some clarity on it, as well as the meeting with an adoption consultant. 
adopting and parenting are both massive decisions to make and no wonder you can't find an easy and immediate answer to those.

you said you feel guilty about your parents supporting your child for some years - remember it is THEIR grandchild as well - not only you have a relationship to your baby, they do to. The choice to support both of you is their own - if i were in their shoes, i'd also rather support my kid and my grandchild rather than letting them struggle unnecessarily - which doesn't mean this will last forever or that you will never contribute to it. you don't sound like a spoiled kid at all and i am sure they are aware of that.

what does the baby daddy say about adoption? are you still waiting until the ultrasound to tell his family as well?

a big massive hug to you :hugs: i really hope it all goes well on friday :hugs:

and for those loudmouths at school... i'm sure they would all shut up if they could spend a minute inside your shoes now, and their stupid superficial teenage worries would seem pretty dumb and not much of a big deal.

as some previous posters said, you'll know who your real friends are. tough times like these are the best friend selector you can ever get. it hurts to be disappointed in some people and lose them as well, but in a long run it all pays out. you keep people that really care and really matter, and stop wasting time on those who judge you underneath a friendly smile.

you're doing an amazing job in all this!


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## heatherr

Aidan's Mummy said:


> I hun I haven't read the whole thread but I have go the jist I think. I had my son when I was 17 and whilst my situation was different to yours I can completely empathise.
> 
> 
> 
> Right now, I'm trying to sort of ignore the whole thing and the thought of deciding what I'm going to do. I am putting it off until the ultrasound because I hope that will make it clearer to me
> 
> I felt bit like this to but unfortunately it won't become clearer I think seeing your baby wil make it even harder. I kept my son and when I saw him it was such a rush of love.Click to expand...

Well, I'm hoping maybe I'll see the ultrasound and suddenly feel something and know that I should keep the baby. It's not that I feel nothing at all. I do care about it. But I don't have a strong gut instinct about what I should do either way. But right now it's also hard to really accept that it's happening, and seeing the baby will make it a lot more real and maybe it will bring things into perspective for me. I don't know. But maybe you're right and I'll feel even more confused :cry:



Aidan's Mummy said:


> Meeting with an adoption counsellor I think would defiantly be a big help. Have you thought about what sort adoption you would like i.e open or closed?
> Don't worry about what people are saying, I know it's hard but they don't matter. What matters is you and your baby. Good luck and eel free to message me

At first I thought I'd want a closed adoption. Even if I decide on adoption, it'll be really hard to see my child with another family. But I feel like it'd be bad to choose a closed adoption right now because down the road I might regret that. I think it might be easier on a child if they have an open adoption and there is no mystery about where they came from.



SurpriseBub said:


> As hard as it can seem, try to ignore the people talking behind your back. High school can be a boring time, so they are just excited to have something to talk about! You know the whole 'it gets better' movement? It is so true... I left high school and have kept in touch with about 10 friends (to varying degrees). The rest of those people don't matter in the slightest, and you will be surprised how quickly you forget things like their last names! :flower:

Luckily my close friends have been supportive of me. Even my ex boyfriend who goes to my school has been nice to me about it. I guess some people assumed it was his and that's how he found out. It's funny that it's people who I don't even associate with who are talking about me. They had no concern with me and didn't even talk to me before, and now they all are. I guess I am the first pregnant girl (that people know of) at my school since like 2006 or something. 



skyesmom said:


> what does the baby daddy say about adoption? are you still waiting until the ultrasound to tell his family as well?

He feels mixed about it. He basically says it's my decision, it's not like he can force me to give the baby away or to be a parent. He said in a way adoption sounds like a nice solution, especially if we could have contact with the family to know the baby is okay, but he feels uncomfortable when he really starts thinking about someone else raising his child. But I think it's always going to be uncomfortable to do, even if we decide it's the best solution. He said I can make whatever decision I want for myself, but that he should have the right to make a decision for what he wants to do. Well, unless he's planning on raising it alone...

He told his family that I was pregnant and that I'm considering adoption. They are upset about both. They understand why I am considering adoption, but I think it just upsets them that any of this is happening at all.


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## minties

You're being so brave and sensible. I was already pretty old when I had my kids, but my mum had me about 20 days after turning 18. She gave me and my brother a very happy childhood.

Not feeling much for the baby can be normal even for us who wanted kids. I was very detached especially from my daughter until I saw her in a scan.

Right now the baby is some strange person who has taken up residence in your body. You can't see them, you know nothing about them...he or she is a total stranger. That can make you feel weird and even cold towards the baby or pregnancy. Hell, I will be honest and admit I didn't even love my daughter until she was about 6 weeks old. I felt like she had ruined my life.

Love grows though, it really does. You have instincts that kick in and life changes but it becomes the new normal.

My precious 2 year old was struck by a car this week and it has made me realise how fiercely I love her, with every single particle of my being (same goes for my son). You never ever love anyone the way you love your children. It's actually quite overwhelming at times. It can make you cry at unexpected times with the shear force of emotion. It's unlike love for your parents or a boyfriend. It's deep and animalistic, it seeps into every pore of your body.

I'm not saying any of this to sway you as only you know what is best. You can also take that love and use it to assure that your baby gets the best life through adoption if you aren't ready to be a mother. Either way, you come across as a caring and intelligent person and you have some tough choices ahead. I wish you all the very best xoxox


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## KFrey

Getting excited for tomorrow??? I am exited for you :) Can't wait to hear about your experience and if it is a boy or girl.


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## Tmb0047

Following :)


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## heatherr

KFrey said:


> Getting excited for tomorrow??? I am exited for you :) Can't wait to hear about your experience and if it is a boy or girl.

Thank you! I'm just getting really nervous. I'm feeling sick to my stomach and probably won't sleep much tonight.


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## LittleLala

Don't worry heather it will be great! Very exciting. X


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## Laylagirl

minties said:


> You're being so brave and sensible. I was already pretty old when I had my kids, but my mum had me about 20 days after turning 18. She gave me and my brother a very happy childhood.
> 
> Not feeling much for the baby can be normal even for us who wanted kids. I was very detached especially from my daughter until I saw her in a scan.
> 
> Right now the baby is some strange person who has taken up residence in your body. You can't see them, you know nothing about them...he or she is a total stranger. That can make you feel weird and even cold towards the baby or pregnancy. Hell, I will be honest and admit I didn't even love my daughter until she was about 6 weeks old. I felt like she had ruined my life.
> 
> Love grows though, it really does. You have instincts that kick in and life changes but it becomes the new normal.
> 
> My precious 2 year old was struck by a car this week and it has made me realise how fiercely I love her, with every single particle of my being (same goes for my son). You never ever love anyone the way you love your children. It's actually quite overwhelming at times. It can make you cry at unexpected times with the shear force of emotion. It's unlike love for your parents or a boyfriend. It's deep and animalistic, it seeps into every pore of your body.
> 
> I'm not saying any of this to sway you as only you know what is best. You can also take that love and use it to assure that your baby gets the best life through adoption if you aren't ready to be a mother. Either way, you come across as a caring and intelligent person and you have some tough choices ahead. I wish you all the very best xoxox

Wow minties! I hope your son is ok! That's scary!


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## Feff

I hope your scan goes well :hugs: tbh my scans didn't make it seem any more real, for months after my daughter was born I was scared someone would take her off me! It felt like a dream. But you settle into motherhood at some point and then it gets easier x


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## skyesmom

good luck with your scan heatherr! :hugs: :hugs:


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## MiniKiwi

I hope everything goes well today. I'm often thinking of you and hoping you're doing ok :hugs:


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## xforuiholdonx

Good luck!!


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## heatherr

It's a girl!! I don't have time to post too much because I'm getting ready to pull into my school, but they said everything looks good, baby is measuring as she should be, and that the dating seems correct according to her measurements, so my due date will stay 4/10.


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## SurpriseBub

I was just about to say good luck... Will change that congrats! So pleased everything is looking good :) and congrats on finding out she is a she! :pink:


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## Feff

That's fab news she's looking good! How do you feel? I was so happy I was having a girl :haha: hope you're okay. Have you told her dad yet? X


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## Laylagirl

heatherr said:


> It's a girl!! I don't have time to post too much because I'm getting ready to pull into my school, but they said everything looks good, baby is measuring as she should be, and that the dating seems correct according to her measurements, so my due date will stay 4/10.


Congratulations! That's great news! Good luck in whatever you decide to do!


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## heatherr

Feff said:


> That's fab news she's looking good! How do you feel? I was so happy I was having a girl :haha: hope you're okay. Have you told her dad yet? X

I don't know. I still can't believe there's really a baby in there. I just had a regular 2D ultrasound, but the lady was really good about pointing everything out, especially when she had to move around and try a few angles to see what the sex was. Sometimes it was hard to know what you were looking at. The baby had her legs scrunched up really tight, holding them together tightly apparently, like she didn't want me to find out! But it was easy to make out her profile and one of her little arms and hand. 

I just feel so strange. I'm sort of in a daze. I know for some people it did not make it seem more real, but for me it really has. Like I keep thinking omg there is really a baby that is going to come out. I haven't really had time to process it. But I guess I was convinced something would be wrong, so now I at least feel like I can breath again knowing everything is fine.

The dad was there too. It was the first appointment that he's been to and he hasn't seen me in a month, so he was surprised by how noticeably pregnant I am now.


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## liz1985

Been following your thread for a while now. Can only echo everyone else in that you sound very mature. I think it's great your not rushing into any decisions. Glad your scan went well. It always made it so much more real for me when I had a scan, especially once I knew the sex. It was easier to imagine them as an actual person. Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## ClairAye

Congrats on a girl :pink:

How far along are you now?


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## heatherr

ClairAye said:


> Congrats on a girl :pink:
> 
> How far along are you now?

Thanks, I'm 20 weeks.


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## Eidson23

Congrats on a girl!


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## heatherr

Well, fob called me earlier tonight and said he doesn't want to give her up for adoption. He's been in touch with a lawyer regarding adoption already, before today. He said if I don't want to keep her I don't have to, but if I don't want to be a parent then he doesn't want me giving her to someone else. I don't even know what to think about this.He had acted like her really was up in the air before, and now he says he's been in touch with a lawyer...


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## ready4number1

It's good that he wants to be there. He probably feels a stronger connection now that he sees his baby. At least you know your child with be with her father if you decide you want to relinquish your rights.


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## MummyMana

Him talking to a lawyer was probably similar to you wanting to talk to an adoption counselor, just gathering resources to help with future descisions made :) 

Also if it's any help, my daughter's cousin was raised single handedly by her dad, she's 10 now and an amazing girl :)


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## wookie130

First of all, congratulations on your healthy girl! I know that for me, seeing my babies up on that screen always made things real...it was the first time I viewed them as little people who were gestating in there, and that they would be making an exit in about another 20 weeks.

So, you're halfway through. When do you meet with the adoption counselor? I wouldn't worry too much about the father's intentions in getting a lawyer...like someone else just said, it was probably a way for him to ask questions, and do some research, etc. I think it would be wonderful if he could keep the baby, if you decide to relinquish your rights to the baby and not raise her.

If you decide to raise her, it sounds like he is very open to co-parenting, and that your daughter will benefit from having two parents that love her and will contribute to her upbringing. Two people definitely don't have to live under the same roof for that to happen. It would be a lot of work, and perhaps she spends her time primarily in your care, but it would be a big blessing for her to grow up having a father that loves and spends time with her.

I think in any case, since the father is expressing that he wants to be a part of her life, and is even willing to parent her completely, than that should become a major part of the landscape at this point. So, in other words, your choice comes down to whether you want to be her primary parent that she spends most of her time with, with her father having some custodial rights/visitation, or do you want to release her entirely into the sole care of her father?

You do still have the option of giving her to an adoptive family. I guess my stance is that if one of you (or both of you) are willing to be involved in her upbringing, that would be more ideal for her than a different adoptive family entirely. That's just my opinion, and like I've said before, the choice is yours. You still have to do what your heart is telling you to do!


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## heatherr

For some reason he's just really upset me with all of this. It makes me feel Barclay he knows he wants to be her parent and I am so unsure about what up want to do. I just feel like if she is adopted then she'll have a mom and dad in her life. If she stays with him and I am not in her life at all, then I feel like I'll look terrible like a deadbeat dad but only a deadbeat mom. But at that point I wouldn't legally be her mother anyway because I wuld.just sign away my rights if that's possible in this sort of situation. This is really selfish of me I guess. But I don't know if that would be best for her because it feels like I'll just be abandoning her, whereas adoption just seems different. 

He said maybe if I'm want to be her mom but do not want to Cate for her full time he could keep her for the most part and I could visit, but that already makes me feel bad. What kind of mother sees their kid a few times a week? Then he said he just doesn't know and is just trying to give me options. He isn't being mean about it though. He says he understands why I am not sure and that if he was 17 he'd probably go with adoption too, but apparently he's been thinking about this for weeks and feels this is what he should do. He said he understands if I feel I am not ready, but he thinks he can be ready in 20 weeks. 

I don't know how I could go through with adoption because it sounds like he would block it. I don't understand the laws compleyelt, but from what I read the court would have to terminate his rights, which they can only do if they find he's not shown any initiative to be involved or to be a parent, or if he's basically disappeared and they can't reach him. He already told me that these things won't happen. The only other thing would be for me to lie and say I don't know who the father is, but I've done enough lying and I think it's too late to pretend like I have no idea who he is. Those things would be evil anyway, unless he was really unfit to be a parent or so something.


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## xforuiholdonx

I honestly don't think you'd look like a deadbeat mom. I know plenty of moms where the dad has custody... And I wouldn't lie to the courts because you could get in a lot of trouble for that. I hope that whether you decide to give her to him, or do it partially or what have you that it's the best decision for you. I gave birth to my daughter the day before my 18th birthday, and though I was shocked, and terrified to become a parent, the moment I saw her all that faded. She's now a perfect 4.5 year old with an 18 month old brother to boot. 
I think that you would and will make a great mother, and just know that what ever you choose to do, it doesn't make you a selfish heartless person! Here if you need to talk!
Congrats on your girly :)


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## KFrey

A girl!!!! Holy moly. They are the best. I wanted a boy so bad with my first but she was a girl. After having her, I wanted our second one to be a girl too because they are so precious. 

I'm glad that it's more real now and you can really start making some hard decisions. Good for the father to be making his own decisions. I can already tell he will be a good dad. I mean a lot of young unexpected fathers just go with the flow and wait for the mother to make all the decisions. He has really been proactive and supportive to you throughout this pregnancy. He seems very mature. 

I don't know how I would feel letting the father raise the baby full time. It's like you said its different when you give her to a couple. Your decision to keep her or let fob keep her is more in your face of what he was able to do that you couldn't if that would be the decision you made. The reality is this is a step in a different direction with new emotions and things to consider. 

Ultimately, it still is the same. That you need to do what's right for you. Everything will fall into place no matter what you decide.


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## skyesmom

congrats on the girl heatherr!

regarding the father, i think seeing your baby made it really real to him, as other posters i agree that him contacting a lawyer was similar to you looking for an adoption consultant, someone where he could ask questions and get informed about his rights.

it is good that he wants to be in the life of his child, and i am sure you two could co-parent even while living in separate places. if you feel like giving her up or letting him be the main parent and you visiting, there is NOTHING wrong with that. 

me, my brother and my sister were raised by our dad for quite some years, while our mom would have weekly visitations. really, there is NOTHING bad about it, i never missed any of my parents and loved growing up like that. Just because the society finds it awkward for children to stay with the father and have their mom visiting, doesn't mean that IT REALLY IS awkward or makes you a BAD MOTHER. it is not so. 
the choice in my family was made due to working careers of both my parents, my mom had a job that required her to travel a lot and move countries every few years as she worked as a diplomat, my father didn't need to. we chose this way as we found that changing schools, countries, languages, friends for the three of us every couple of years would have been really tough. My mom came to see us whenever she wanted when she was off the mandate, and would fly in anytime she could and we'd spend our vacations with her no matter where she was on the globe.

so no need to feel bad about maybe taking a role of the visiting parent for a while, maybe until you have completed your studies. my youngest sis moved in with my mom at some point, as she wanted to study abroad. if people talk and work together, things can be really really flexible in a family. what made us work so well was that we cared more on making the things work for US, rather than thinking what the world will say. all this was happening like 25-28 years ago when the social rules were even stricter than now, but we didn't care.

i'm writing this so you'd have an experience from a girl who grew up with her dad being the "main" caretaker - by this meaning living with dad and mom visiting - i put that "main" under commas as really, there was no "good daddy bad mommy" or "one parent cares/loves more than the other" in my family.

i also agree with you that any further lying is just damaging. also because if you would say sth like that, all it takes today is a DNA test to prove you wrong, a thing he can request to be done by a court and the fact you lied would put you in a bad position for any future custody.

you guys can still talk about it and maybe get a councilor or a couple therapist (although you are not "technically" a couple now), that could help you put the things into perspective together and suggest how to proceed.


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## heatherr

I do not want to lie about it and I don't plan to. I do feel he has the right to make his own decision just like I do. Doesn't mean it makes me feel good though. This was just never an option I considered happening. I'm confused as to what I should do. What if this is the plan and he changes his mind at the last minute? He told me that was ridiculous.


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## heatherr

My mom pointed out that at least this would give me flexibility as far as how involved I want to be. Adoption is final, and even if I have an open adoption I still can't change my mind once everything is finalized. But she said at the same time it would be wrong for him to be raising her as the main parent and for me to come along a year later and decide I want to have full time custody of her. I agree though, I shouldn't use this as something temporary until it is convenient for me. I guess in a way that's what's nice about adoption...I can't change my mind and would know that. Oh well. My mom even said she has considered keeping the baby if I decided I definitely didn't want to, but had not wanted to bring that up to me while I was still so torn on what to do. She doesn't think it would be right for any of us to stand in the way of him having her if that's what he wants.


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## MummyMana

I think your mum speaks a lot of sense, after all if he wanted to put her up for adoption and you didn't that wouldn't stand so it shouldn't in reverse.

She's right that you wouldn't be able to swoop in and just gave full custody one day, but you could always up your visitation, ie go from seeing her once a week to having her every weekend :)


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## heatherr

Obviously we have a lot to work out. I guess I could completely change my mind about what I want too. But I have been thinking about it and maybe him having her most of the time.e would be the best option. It still makes me feel guilty, but like you said MummyMana, maybe if I can work up to having her more and more. I just feel so bad about it still. I already feel like a bad mother. It's not even like I want someone else to be take care of her so up can go party or something. I'm not really into all of that, but I worry everyone will think that sort of thing. I just don't feel ready for the responsibility of having a kid to care for full time. But a lot of you have made me feel better about it.

Fob sent me a long text saying he was sorry to upset me and he didn't know it would upset me so much. He just decided he wanted to be her only dad, not just a birth father who sees photos of her and maybe meets her every now and then. He feels really bad about the whole situation and me being pregnant at all, but he feels like it would be another mistake to put her up for adoption and he doesn't think he can live with that. He said he is going to get ready for her and I can take my time to decide what I want, but that he is not trying to take over and say he has to have her. If I decide I want her to come home with me, that's fine, but he wants her to stay with him some of the time too. He will not sign adoption papers and he is more than willing to keep her all by himself even if I decide I want nothing to do with her at all. It made me feel so selfish.


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## MummyMana

Don't feel bad, you're trying to work out what's best for your baby here :) by the sounds of things it's now going to be a case of decoding whether you or him will have main custody, and like I said before children of single dads have great lives too :) it's no different to a baby of a single mother :) me and my partner recently split, I have imogen all of the time, he can see her whenever he likes, as much as he likes, it would be just like that :) it doesn't matter if the mother or father has main custody, you have to remember, your child won't know any different :) my daughter's cousin has never met her mum, and she told me that her daddy was better than a daddy and a mummy :) she doesn't know any different, she just accepts the situation


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## missk1989

I think he has taken the option of adoption away from you there but I dont think that is necessarily a bad thing. You know him and obviously like him enough to have slept with him so at least you know she will be loved and with someone you trust. It saves a lot of trouble of you finding her a family and she will be with her dad. DH cousin was raised by her dad and she has been very happy and healthy. She still sees her mum. 

I think he will be a great help to you whatever you decide and at least if he is getting stuff ready for her she will have what she needs if you do decide to keep her.


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## MrsC8776

I think him getting a lawyer is actually a smart move on his part. He's just getting answers and legal advice. Honestly, if the roles were reversed it would probably be something you would look into as well. He sounds like a great guy and for a guy who is 20 (?) he seems very mature. I can't think of any guy who at that age acted like a true man. :haha: 

Maybe this is far out there and not something either of you have thought about but what about living together? Not necessarily being in a relationship but still parenting together. You still going to college like you want and he will still be able to work or do what ever he does. Even if he does have custody of her. You could still be there and see her. I don't know how realistic that is for both of you and the situation but it's an idea. I thought about your mom having custody but I didn't want to throw that out there incase it would be too uncomfortable for you. 

I know this all changes your plan but maybe try to relax about it a little bit and just see what your heart says. For me, the scans helped things feel a lot more real but what really did it and started the bonding was movement. Feeling those kicks are amazing. This is a hard position to be in I'm sure but you are handling it all very well. :hugs:


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## heatherr

I am feeling better about the whole thing now. I guess I was just not prepared for him to say this. But now I realize that I do feel a sense of relief about everything. With adoption I felt like I needed to decide soon so I could sort of prepare myself and so I could find the best family and not feel rushed. Now I don't feel like I have to rush anything. For once, it has not been something constantly bothering me in the back of my mind.

He did mention living together a while ago, but basically took it back as soon as he said it. It would work out as far as me graduating not too long after the baby's born. He lives too far from my school for me to live there before I graduate, plus I don't think my parents would let me anyway. But I don't know if it's 've awkward if we aren't together.


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## KFrey

I'm so glad you are feeling better!


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## skyesmom

KFrey said:


> I'm so glad you are feeling better!

me too!!

and as far as it goes to living together while not being together and that being awkward... nothing prohibits you to try that option out and see how it goes, at least while your daughter is still tiny. you also don't know how your relationship will evolve once she's there.

if i'd see two young people acting like you two are, and even moving in together to try and find the best solution for your baby and for you two individually, well, i'd just say "respect"!

and as someone said, the FOB sounds so so mature and i can count on the fingers of one hand the guys that would act as responsibly as he does at age 22 (and the same goes for you! you act with great maturity and you're only 17 :) as said before, that baby is in great arms!)


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## wookie130

I guess I'll be the oddball here, and perhaps suggest that you pass on the moving in together thing. I think that there is more potential for the parenting relationship to go sour that way...I sort of think in this kind of instance, co-parenting separately would be the wiser and most doable option. That's just my opinion!


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## heatherr

Moving in together is something that I guess we could think about later. I don't see it happening, but who knows. I'm still not sure what I'm doing as far as my role in her life, so I'm not even ready to think about living together. Right now I just feel so happy that I don't have to make a super rushed decision and constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing, which is basically all I thought about for the past few months. I'm still worried about it, but it's like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders.


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## wookie130

I'm so glad to hear that things are becoming less anxious-feeling for you!


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## skyesmom

That's so good to hear. :)

maybe now that some pressure is gone and you start to feel the first kicks and your baby move, you may even get to relax into it and enjoy some magical aspects of pregnancy, despite it being insanely scary time (planned or not, there are always things to scare you, to worry about and to terrify you when you're expecting).

and honestly, i don't think that parents ever stop figuring out their roles in their children's life.. it's an ongoing process that changes a lot as we/kids grow up and one needs to constantly reinvent themselves on it. so no need to pres yourself to find a perfect answer right now. <3


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## MrsTaylorP

Hi, Heather. 

I just spent about an hour reading through everything. Your story really touched me and I just felt urge to share something very personal with you. I'm not sure if you are considering adoption anymore but here is my personal take on it (and please do not think for one minute that I am trying to say do it, just sharing my own experience).

I was adopted when I was 2 days old and my adoption was semi-open. My adoptive father spoke to my birth mother several times throughout my first year (no pictures upon her request) then after a year all communication was cut. I grew up knowing I was adopted and from day 1 I had so much respect and love for the woman who made the hardest decision in the world. When I was 18 I made the decision to meet both her and my biological father. My feelings for my biological parents have always been very positive ones and I was raised by two incredible parents and a sister (whom is also adopted). 

IF you decide on adoption, just know from an adoptees personal point of view, that you will be loved unconditionally! 

No matter your decision just know you are such a strong woman and I have so much respect for you! :hugs:


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## heatherr

MrsTaylorP said:


> Hi, Heather.
> 
> I just spent about an hour reading through everything. Your story really touched me and I just felt urge to share something very personal with you. I'm not sure if you are considering adoption anymore but here is my personal take on it (and please do not think for one minute that I am trying to say do it, just sharing my own experience).
> 
> I was adopted when I was 2 days old and my adoption was semi-open. My adoptive father spoke to my birth mother several times throughout my first year (no pictures upon her request) then after a year all communication was cut. I grew up knowing I was adopted and from day 1 I had so much respect and love for the woman who made the hardest decision in the world. When I was 18 I made the decision to meet both her and my biological father. My feelings for my biological parents have always been very positive ones and I was raised by two incredible parents and a sister (whom is also adopted).
> 
> IF you decide on adoption, just know from an adoptees personal point of view, that you will be loved unconditionally!
> 
> No matter your decision just know you are such a strong woman and I have so much respect for you! :hugs:

Thanks for taking the time to read everything. I know this thread is like getting out of control. I thought maybe I should have started a new one but didn't know if I should.

It means a lot that you shared something so personal. I know I was worried that my baby would feel rejected by me when she grew up, or not understand and hate me. 

I still think about adoption and think it would be a good option at times, but it's really pointless if he says he won't consent to it. Sometimes I am just still so unsure that I want to be a parent and I feel like it's fine if he wants to, but it makes me feel guilty if my child doesn't have a mother because I didn't want to be a parent. But if she was adopted, then she would have 2 parents. But then sometimes I do think I can handle being a parent. I wish I hadn't lied to him so that maybe we could be together or live together without it being weird, but I really don't think he wants much to do with me except for what he has to.


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## smoore

I definitely think it is best for baby to be with family since that is an option. You can choose what level you want to be involved. I would say though to just be consistent. If you decide you don't want to be involved, don't be involved. Then, someday if you decide you do make sure it is a life time change of mind. The only reason I say this is my oldest sister had a dad who would hmm haw a lot and come into her life for a weekend, then not call again for years..really like 5-6 years or more. That was really hard on her. It was not hard on her at all for him not to be in her life until he started doing that. The only time she got hurt by the situation was when he would suddenly get a wild hair and decide to be a dad for a few days. My mom finally told him to not contact until she was an adult and could make her own choices. 

Realistically, baby's dad is young. He will most likely date and marry someone else at some point in his life and your daughter will have two parents. Not saying that to be snippy or hurtful. I just don't think that adoption is the only way she would have two parents. My mom remarried when my oldest sister was about 5 or 6. She considers my birth dad to be her dad even though he is her stepdad. She has called him dad for at least my whole life.


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## mara16jade

Hi Heather! I just read your entire thread. I must say you sound like a very smart, mature and level headed young lady. :hugs:

I just had my baby in July, and while I was prepared, married and the baby was planned...my life has been forever changed. But for the good! The first few months are hard, yes. But it doesn't last forever. You'll be surprised how much the grandparents bug you to babysit - which will give you "you" time. I don't mean to sway you in anyway. Honestly. I have a family member who gave up their child, and I never, not once, think differently of them. I also have another family member who found out she is pregnant with an ex and didn't tell her parents for almost 3 months (she told me though). She's now 26 weeks, having a boy and is still trying to figure it all out. Unfortunately her parents have basically abandoned her and told her she's on her own for making this "huge mistake". :nope: Needless to say I'm very disappointed in her parents.

Anyways. If you're still thinking about talking to an adoption counselor, maybe they'll clear up some questions. Otherwise, it sounds like you have some options that don't require you to make any life altering decisions in the immediate future. 

I wish you all the best. And I'm so happy to hear the father sounds like a stand up guy and your parents have stood by your side. :hugs:


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## Vickster1

Hi Heather,

I've just read the whole thing . First of all congratulations! I'm due with our little girl on the 4th of April so we're pretty close. You seem very level headed to what's going on especially since you've had so much to deal with, especially with all the doubts about whether you wanted to keep her etc. The father sounds like a great guy considering everything he's dealt with. At least you know that he really does want to be involved and at least he's not a deadbeat who doesn't want anything to do with his child.

Hang on in there. We're all with you.


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## SurpriseBub

heatherr said:


> MrsTaylorP said:
> 
> 
> Hi, Heather.
> 
> I just spent about an hour reading through everything. Your story really touched me and I just felt urge to share something very personal with you. I'm not sure if you are considering adoption anymore but here is my personal take on it (and please do not think for one minute that I am trying to say do it, just sharing my own experience).
> 
> I was adopted when I was 2 days old and my adoption was semi-open. My adoptive father spoke to my birth mother several times throughout my first year (no pictures upon her request) then after a year all communication was cut. I grew up knowing I was adopted and from day 1 I had so much respect and love for the woman who made the hardest decision in the world. When I was 18 I made the decision to meet both her and my biological father. My feelings for my biological parents have always been very positive ones and I was raised by two incredible parents and a sister (whom is also adopted).
> 
> IF you decide on adoption, just know from an adoptees personal point of view, that you will be loved unconditionally!
> 
> No matter your decision just know you are such a strong woman and I have so much respect for you! :hugs:
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read everything. I know this thread is like getting out of control. I thought maybe I should have started a new one but didn't know if I should.
> 
> It means a lot that you shared something so personal. I know I was worried that my baby would feel rejected by me when she grew up, or not understand and hate me.
> 
> I still think about adoption and think it would be a good option at times, but it's really pointless if he says he won't consent to it. Sometimes I am just still so unsure that I want to be a parent and I feel like it's fine if he wants to, but it makes me feel guilty if my child doesn't have a mother because I didn't want to be a parent. But if she was adopted, then she would have 2 parents. But then sometimes I do think I can handle being a parent. I wish I hadn't lied to him so that maybe we could be together or live together without it being weird, but I really don't think he wants much to do with me except for what he has to.Click to expand...

You still have plenty of time to make a decision :flower: It kind of sounds like you guys could make 50/50 custody work? ...that would allow you time to work and pursue college etc, but also have your baby in your life and be a committed and loving mother. :) 

Just a thought- have you ever apologized to the father of the baby for the lie you told early on? Obviously it was meant to be a little white lie, and you didn't see any of this coming! ...but I just thought it might go a long way to improving your relationship with him if you sort of acknowledge and take responsibility for that. He probably feels a little resentment, and might really appreciate hearing that you understand the impact etc that that might have had on him. 

Hope all is going well for you and baby! :)


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## bdb84

You still have plenty of time to decide, but I, for one, love that your baby's father is so willing to be a part of her life. Maybe I'm biased but my uncle has raised his daughter, on his own, from day one. He is the most loving, hands on father that I know of, and my cousin is fully well rounded despite having a uncommon living situation (single dads, with sole custody, is far from the norm around here). 

Her mom is still in her life, but it varies by year. Some years she's more present, and others she doesn't see her at all. She does not hold any ill contempt for her mother, as she feels the best place to be, if not with her mother, is with her father. She's glad that she wasn't placed for adoption because she would have missed out on the wonderful relationship that she has with him. 

I don't say this to try to sway you.. but to just give you an example of how well it can work out if you do decide to relinquish custody to your baby's father. 

I do have to commend you for how maturely you have handled all of this. :hugs:


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## Feff

How're you feeling heather? How's bump? :) X


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## heatherr

smoore said:


> I definitely think it is best for baby to be with family since that is an option. You can choose what level you want to be involved. I would say though to just be consistent. If you decide you don't want to be involved, don't be involved. Then, someday if you decide you do make sure it is a life time change of mind. The only reason I say this is my oldest sister had a dad who would hmm haw a lot and come into her life for a weekend, then not call again for years..really like 5-6 years or more. That was really hard on her. It was not hard on her at all for him not to be in her life until he started doing that. The only time she got hurt by the situation was when he would suddenly get a wild hair and decide to be a dad for a few days. My mom finally told him to not contact until she was an adult and could make her own choices.
> 
> Realistically, baby's dad is young. He will most likely date and marry someone else at some point in his life and your daughter will have two parents. Not saying that to be snippy or hurtful. I just don't think that adoption is the only way she would have two parents. My mom remarried when my oldest sister was about 5 or 6. She considers my birth dad to be her dad even though he is her stepdad. She has called him dad for at least my whole life.

I agree. It would not be right to come and go as I felt like it and I definitely don't plan to do that.

For some reason it's weirder to think about him marrying someone and my child treating that person as her mom than it is to think about adoption. But I think that's just me being jealous. 



SurpriseBub said:


> You still have plenty of time to make a decision :flower: It kind of sounds like you guys could make 50/50 custody work? ...that would allow you time to work and pursue college etc, but also have your baby in your life and be a committed and loving mother. :)
> 
> Just a thought- have you ever apologized to the father of the baby for the lie you told early on? Obviously it was meant to be a little white lie, and you didn't see any of this coming! ...but I just thought it might go a long way to improving your relationship with him if you sort of acknowledge and take responsibility for that. He probably feels a little resentment, and might really appreciate hearing that you understand the impact etc that that might have had on him.
> 
> Hope all is going well for you and baby! :)

Yeah, I have been thinking maybe it won't be so bad if it's 50/50. Or I guess I should say it won't be quite as overwhelming to me. I mean, it's still a huge thing thinking about being someone's parent. It just freaks me out. 

I did apologize to him. He says he is over it and that it doesn't matter anymore. I don't know if it's really mad at me about it or just mad about the whole situation and has been made to feel bad about being with me at all by people he knows. He did say when he reached out to one lawyer they basically accused him of knowing I was 17 and just going along with it because he wanted to sleep with underage girls. And a lot of people he knows have been like "Why were you having sex with her?" Making him feel bad like he intentionally set out to sleep with a high school student. He is not like that though. I feel bad about that. Like you said, I didn't do it for a bad reason or to trick anyone. I didn't really think at the time. It isn't hard for me to pass for someone several years older, many people have thought I was. 




bdb84 said:


> You still have plenty of time to decide, but I, for one, love that your baby's father is so willing to be a part of her life. Maybe I'm biased but my uncle has raised his daughter, on his own, from day one. He is the most loving, hands on father that I know of, and my cousin is fully well rounded despite having a uncommon living situation (single dads, with sole custody, is far from the norm around here).

I doubt there is anywhere where it really is the norm. I think that's why I have a hard time with it because it's become perfectly normal for people to be single mothers, but for a girl to give up the rights to her child and let the father raise it is seen as weird. I don't think it is weird for him to want to keep her. He has said it scares him a lot and he's very nervous about it, but he feels like he can be prepared once she is here. I think he'll be a really good dad. 

But the more time that goes by I don't feel that I want to completely remove myself from her life. I don't think I'll be able to do that. I feel like wanting to do that was just really selfish of me and mainly just because I'm so scared of it all. I don't think me not being in her life or just seeing her a few times a year would really be best for her. If I imagine it being me, I feel like I would hate my mom and feel really unloved by her. At this point, I don't see myself keeping her all of the time though. I feel like we would just have to divide our time with her. For a while I convinced myself maybe having her on weekends would be good. But now I'm starting to feel bad about that idea because I'm trying to take the easy way out and give him the responsibility for the majority of the time. Until this all happened, I never realized what a selfish person I was. 



Feff said:


> How're you feeling heather? How's bump? :) X

To be honest, I feel pretty normal physically. I'm not so tired like I used to be. The bump feels huge. A few people asked if I'm having twins. I think it looks bigger than it is because I'm pretty small all over and only about 5 feet tall, so it just looks funny. I finally felt movement in there 2 days ago, but it can't be felt on the outside yet.


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## SurpriseBub

Awww, that is awful that people are being so hard on him- especially as he really didn't know that you were so young. I can see how that is a real downer for him, and I guess the only remedy is time. Though I guess neither of you have to tell new people you meet that he is older than you! I think it is great that you apologized to him for inadvertently causing whatever trouble- I am sure he appreciated it. I also think you shouldn't kick yourself for how everything unfolded- I looked older than 17 when I was your age, and it is very tempting to start living as if you are 21 when you can pass for it! What's done is done, and as big of an upheaval as having a baby will be, you will have a beautiful little girl to show for all of this. Life just throws you curve balls sometimes. 

It sounds like you are getting an idea of what you want to do custody-wise. :) I am sure at some stage, the right answer will become clear. It does seem as if something like 50/50 custody might work- especially with both of your families being involved, she would be a very lucky little girl to have you both and both sides of the family in her life. :flower:

Yay- baby kicks!!! That is by far one of the best things I have ever experienced. I still gets big smile on my face when my baby moves. so glad to hear like things are going well :)


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## beanzz

Only just read this. When I was 17 I had a 23 year old boyfriend so I would only ever feel guilty for lying initially not the age difference. Like what's been said though, what's done is done and it's no real biggy!

Congrats on your pregnancy and whatever decisions you make for when your baby arrives will be the right one, even if you feel selfish you're still going to be thinking of your baby's needs aswel as your own :)

Hope you're enjoying pregnancy, it's the best and you'll miss it hehe :flow:


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## heatherr

Well, I feel bad about lying and I feel bad that some people have made rude comments to him. It doesn't really matter in the overall picture because we'd still be dealing with most of these same problems regardless of my age. It just makes it a little more difficult when deciding how to handle everything because we are just at 2 different places in live I guess and it's not like he wants to be in a relationship with someone in high school. 

I'm not enjoying pregnancy and I can't imagine ever missing this, but who knows....


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## Feff

Honestly? I didn't really enjoy being pregnant either. I was scared all through it that something bad would happen, and how would I cope when she arrived and things like that. But as soon as she was born I missed being pregnant lol! Pregnancy is a scary, scary thing. Especially at such a young age and when it wasn't planned. I know it's a lot easier said than done but try and relax a little bit. Perhaps you could fill in a baby book?over here we have books that you fill in things like family trees, where you put your scans in and all memories. Have you started buying any clothes? Even if the baby is going to live with her dad it might help you feel a bit more involved and excited? X


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## skyesmom

Heatherr, the things between you will change a lot anyway once the baby is there, and you really never know how it will go. i also think once the initial decisions are set regarding the custody, etc... you guys should start talking about your mutual feelings for each other. 

your story ended abruptly when your school year started and "resumed" sort of in a really shocking way. neither of you had closure and while the baby is of course the emergency and the priority nr.1, neither of you should completely neglect your own personal feelings towards the other.

i think this is one topic that should deserve a bit more space and confrontation in your lives, no matter if you get to be together again or not.

it sucks when people are under so much pressure and bad influence from the world around them, he's good with not listening to all that crap but i presume he must feel very very lonely, with his closest friends telling him horrible stuff about your baby and the lawyers attacking him for an assault of a minor. none of that is anyhow helping a relationship between you two (no matter what kind of relationship it may be), nor his dealing with finding a right place for you in his life.

i really hope you guys take some private time to talk to each other and tell each other how you feel about each other regardless of the baby, the fact that you are still in high school and what other people say. just what is in your heart. 
if i remember well, you have already apologized to him for lying... maybe saying that another time when starting this kind of talk wouldn't harm but... both of you have more important things to focus your attention to than the age difference and the fact that you are 17. because you won't be 17 or in high school forever. and after your baby is there or in 5 years time, that age difference will make you laugh.

i find it a bit of a pity that you two lose each other without even trying to face it just because the circumstances are hard and weird. sometimes it seems that age and high school are worse problem to you two than having a baby (sorry if i got this wrong from your posts).


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## heatherr

Feff said:


> Honestly? I didn't really enjoy being pregnant either. I was scared all through it that something bad would happen, and how would I cope when she arrived and things like that. But as soon as she was born I missed being pregnant lol! Pregnancy is a scary, scary thing. Especially at such a young age and when it wasn't planned. I know it's a lot easier said than done but try and relax a little bit. Perhaps you could fill in a baby book?over here we have books that you fill in things like family trees, where you put your scans in and all memories. Have you started buying any clothes? Even if the baby is going to live with her dad it might help you feel a bit more involved and excited? X

Yeah, I'm constantly worried that something will happen, especially when I'm at school or something. I am way too paranoid about it. I have always been like that about health things, but it's way worse with this. I should never look things up online because that just gives you more reason to be worried! 

I didn't think about a baby book, but we have those over here too. I am looking at them on Amazon now :thumbup:




skyesmom said:


> Heatherr, the things between you will change a lot anyway once the baby is there, and you really never know how it will go. i also think once the initial decisions are set regarding the custody, etc... you guys should start talking about your mutual feelings for each other.
> 
> your story ended abruptly when your school year started and "resumed" sort of in a really shocking way. neither of you had closure and while the baby is of course the emergency and the priority nr.1, neither of you should completely neglect your own personal feelings towards the other.
> 
> i think this is one topic that should deserve a bit more space and confrontation in your lives, no matter if you get to be together again or not.
> 
> it sucks when people are under so much pressure and bad influence from the world around them, he's good with not listening to all that crap but i presume he must feel very very lonely, with his closest friends telling him horrible stuff about your baby and the lawyers attacking him for an assault of a minor. none of that is anyhow helping a relationship between you two (no matter what kind of relationship it may be), nor his dealing with finding a right place for you in his life.
> 
> i really hope you guys take some private time to talk to each other and tell each other how you feel about each other regardless of the baby, the fact that you are still in high school and what other people say. just what is in your heart.
> if i remember well, you have already apologized to him for lying... maybe saying that another time when starting this kind of talk wouldn't harm but... both of you have more important things to focus your attention to than the age difference and the fact that you are 17. because you won't be 17 or in high school forever. and after your baby is there or in 5 years time, that age difference will make you laugh.
> 
> i find it a bit of a pity that you two lose each other without even trying to face it just because the circumstances are hard and weird. sometimes it seems that age and high school are worse problem to you two than having a baby (sorry if i got this wrong from your posts).

He is perfectly nice to me and we text a lot, but he just acts totally differently toward me than he used to. So, I just sort of get the impression that he definitely has no interest in being with me. I don't bring it up because I think I'll just end up feeling really stupid and don't really want to hear what he probably has to say in response. I have just felt bad about lying initially, then basically just realizing it was going further than I expected and getting scared and leaving without giving much of a reason, then returning a few months later "Surprise, I'm pregnant." I didn't want it to turn into a big elaborate lie, and I was sure he'd find out I was lying pretty soon. It's more the fact that I had to admit to lying and it basically just made me feel pathetic. I know these things aren't the worst things in the world and not everything is my fault, but it's like on top of all that I don't want to ask him to be in a relationship with me. I don't want him to feel like he should be if he doesn't really want to be. Plus, with the fact that I didn't even know if I would be involved in our daughter's life very much, it didn't really seem to make much sense to bring all of that up anyway. But now regardless of what the relationship is between the two of us, I know now that I do want to be her mother and be in her life. The only problem is that the more attached I get to the baby and the more real the whole thing becomes, I start liking him more and more.

Having a baby is definitely the biggest issue here for both of us. Regardless of his age, I would still be freaking out. It'd probably be worse if it was with someone my age because it's hard enough finding a 22 year old who will take on as much responsibility as he's willing to, let alone someone like my ex bf who is my age. I can't imagine him raising a kid any time soon! 
The age difference doesn't bother me. It's not a dramatic difference, but it just feels like it now when you think he's graduated college and I'm in high school still. But when I'm 20 and he's 25 it won't be a big deal. I did tell him that and told him I wasn't lying about anything else. So everything he liked about me was still true. He said he knows and that it really isn't a big difference, but that he still feels guilty about getting me pregnant before I even graduated, and he says that's why he wouldn't hold it against me if I really wanted to be more removed. He said if it was 4-5 years ago for him, he probably wouldn't have kept a baby, unless the girl really wanted to.

I guess right now I also don't want to bring a lot of this up to him because things are going well and I'm just thankful that my daughter will have him for a dad instead of some loser who doesn't care at all. Sometimes I wonder if I did tell him how I felt, maybe he will admit to feeling the same way, but I'm just scared to. I used to feel more confident around him, but now I just feel silly. It's weird, sometimes I think "I was having sex with this guy, but now I get nervous just talking to him on the phone."


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## Lissa3120

There is honestly so much I want to say in this reply, but it would just turn into a memoir haha. So i'll stick with "wow" i'm in admiration of how strong, brave and mature you're being. Selfish? I really don't think you're being selfish at all, honest and realistic, isn't the same as selfish.

I really do think you'll be surprised how things will fall into place. Be that the baby with you, adopted, with it's father or with your parents. The only certain thing is, no matter what decision you make, it won't mean you love your baby any less than any other mother. You shouldn't feel guilty for you're feelings and thoughts... (little parenting secret... no one ever parents right :winkwink: no matter what, you always feel guilty, we always want more or different for our kids, no matter what our situation. The people who judge parenting the most are ourselves)

If you were to really consider your baby staying with her father, could you not do a term time sort of thing? In that he has her the majority of the week, enabling you to go to school, and live a reasonably teenage lifestyle, and then you were to have her over the weekends so that he has a break and a chance to enjoy his life, and if you wanted to go out on a weekend, your parents could always babysit on the odd occasion, then on school holidays, could you split that evenly so you have her half the time and he have her half the time?
I'm not sure how it would work out for you, but different things work for different people, parenting isn't a one size fits all situation. 
If I were you, whilst i think it's great that FOB is offering to take on the main carer role, i wouldn't commit to signing anything over at this stage, because all could change in the blink of an eye. But it's great to put plans and thoughts in place, as options.

I really struggled to bond with my baby during pregnancy and her early months. I was in denial for quite a while, in fact i think she was about 6 months old when the realization hit that i had had a baby. 

I don't know that much about adoption as it's not an overly common thing where i am (Rural UK) ...
There seems to be more of a negotiation when it comes to adoption now, maybe it's worth further investigation? 

Just don't stress yourself, once baby is here, what is best for you and your baby will become clearer.

It's hard to picture life with a baby, and it's hard to picture life without your own baby and it being with someone else. Just because it's hard to picture doesn't mean it isn't a reasonable option :flower:

I hope you make the right decision for you, and it works out for you and your baby. You shouldn't feel like you'll be judged or any less of a mother for making a decision that works for you. 

Best wishes :flower:


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## beanzz

heatherr said:


> Well, I feel bad about lying and I feel bad that some people have made rude comments to him. It doesn't really matter in the overall picture because we'd still be dealing with most of these same problems regardless of my age. It just makes it a little more difficult when deciding how to handle everything because we are just at 2 different places in live I guess and it's not like he wants to be in a relationship with someone in high school.
> 
> I'm not enjoying pregnancy and I can't imagine ever missing this, but who knows....

Aw, sorry you're not enjoying it. I agree with Feff, will getting involved with buying things for LO or something help make it at least a little bit exciting for you? 

Hope you do start to enjoy it but either way it's only 9 months :flower:


Also, I was 18 when I fell pregnant with my son... I'd already dropped out of college to work instead but my college had a creche/nursery on campus. Does your school have something like that? I know I was older than you are now but age really doesn't mean anything. You can still finish school, you can start a career, you can still get everything you want out of life even if you decide to be the main carer of your baby :) it's not as scary as it seems once baby is finally here. 
Good luck with everything :flow:


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## heatherr

I'm going to buy a baby book and start filling it out.

My current school doesn't have a daycare, but I won't be here too long once she's born. My college might have one, but to be honest I'm not even thinking that far in the future yet.


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## skyesmom

heatherr said:


> Plus, with the fact that I didn't even know if I would be involved in our daughter's life very much, it didn't really seem to make much sense to bring all of that up anyway. But now regardless of what the relationship is between the two of us, I know now that I do want to be her mother and be in her life. The only problem is that the more attached I get to the baby and the more real the whole thing becomes, I start liking him more and more.

:flower: so nice to read you are finding some clarity with your role in your babies' life :) i agree that it made no sense facing this topic before, but now that you know you want to be the mother to your daughter, i think you should tell him how you feel. you guys got nothing to lose.



heatherr said:


> He said he knows and that it really isn't a big difference, but that he still feels guilty about getting me pregnant before I even graduated, and he says that's why he wouldn't hold it against me if I really wanted to be more removed.
> 
> I guess right now I also don't want to bring a lot of this up to him because things are going well and I'm just thankful that my daughter will have him for a dad instead of some loser who doesn't care at all. Sometimes I wonder if I did tell him how I felt, maybe he will admit to feeling the same way, but I'm just scared to. I used to feel more confident around him, but now I just feel silly. It's weird, sometimes I think "I was having sex with this guy, but now I get nervous just talking to him on the phone."

see, THIS is exactly why you should tell him how you feel. i don't wanna sound pushy or anything but what i read here is your fear and his guilt. and fear and guilt shouldn't be the reasons to stop you guys from facing your feelings.

i am sure he'd act differently towards you if he knew how you feel. he liked you for who you are. i'm pretty sure he still does. but maybe he feels as awkward as you to tell you his feelings, and is bonding to you more and more as the baby grows, just like you do to him. these are all normal things to feel, biologically as well. hormones don't leave anybody indifferent, both you and him.

maybe he's afraid of speaking up because he thinks he has already ruined your life by getting you pregnant, and sees you act differently towards him as well (and you were the one to leave initially). 

i am sure it will mean a lot to him if you tell him how you feel towards him. if he feels so guilty maybe he thinks that deep down you hate him for what he's done to you. maybe he thinks he stands no chance with you in the same way you think you stand no chance with him.

but all these maybes will find no answer unless you face it. and i find it just sad that people like you two drift apart due to stupid crap like fears and guilt. you both are so brave and responsible and mature, this is the last step you guys need to face.

maybe try writing him a letter, like you did to us in this post. your honesty is astonishing, as well as your emotional maturity. tell him how you feel more and more bonded to him, how you are who you are, how you don't hate him for getting you pregnant, how you'd like a second chance for you two but are afraid of being refused.

:hugs: i really wish i could give you both a hug :hugs: i hope my post doesn't sound too pushy. i just have a gut feeling about this and can't help but telling it to you.


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## Feff

Skyesmom is talking nothing but sense Heather lol! I'm really glad that you've decided to be in your daughters life. I wish more than anything that my daughter could have a proper family, but her dad ruined that by being such a dick during my pregnancy and for 17 months of her life. If you feel like you want a relationship and he does too then give it a go! I would just tell him, ask him how he feels. You're bringing a child up together, you're going to be parents, an age gap isn't going to change that so it shouldn't change whether or not you give a relationship a go! :hugs: x


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## Turtle0630

Heather, I agree with Skyesmom as well. Not trying to pressure you into anything and of course you know your situation better than any of us and what's best for you. But I really agree with her on this, and I really think it's a great idea to tell him. The worst that can happen is that things might be a little awkward for a bit (but why really? It's not like he didn't know you liked him at one point, what's the difference now?). I just have this gut feeling about it too. I would though tell him your decision on wanting to be in your baby's life after all BEFORE telling him (or at least that that's the way you're leaning if you're not 100% sure yet). I only say this because if he didn't know that already but told you he felt the same way towards you, I would be afraid that he would always be wondering if you decided to stay in your daughter's life because of his answer/to be with him, as opposed to because that's what YOU want to do. Hope that makes sense. Regardless, thanks for keeping us updated so much, I really enjoy reading how things are going for you! :)


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## mummytobe_93

I honestly think the best thing you can do is go in to parenting with an open mind. Once you give birth to your child you might fe completely different and decide you want her most of the time or you may decide to go 50/50. Honestly it's hard to know what sort of parent you will be when you are pregnant, when the baby is there that's when it comes real I think you'll do a great job whatever you decide :)
Parenting is hard but you'll never regret the choice to parent xx


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## heatherr

skyesmom, I never really thought that maybe he thought I was upset at him about everything. I know he was annoyed because I would only ever call him to complain about everything. I have basically just been miserable about everything the entire time. But I've actually never blamed him or been upset toward him about it, never even crossed my mind to feel that way. I have only been upset at myself. I don't mind that you share how you feel. A couple of my friends also feel the same way and have been encouraging me too.

Turtle0630, I guess the main difference is that I'm just scared to tell him and be rejected and then of course still have to face him. I get what you're saying about telling him though. I agree. I am sort of worried if I do tell him how I feel that he'll think I want to be in her life to be with him or something. That obviously isn't the case, I mean even if we do get back together and it doesn't work out I would never just decide to not be in her life because of that. Our daughter is the most important
thing.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to just take the risk and tell him how I feel, but I really feel like I'm in love with him and I don't want to know if he doesn't feel the same way about me.


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## Feff

I know rejection is really hard, but living with the feeling that you want to give it a go but you're too scared is harder! The worse that can happen is he'll say no. Then you can just move on with your lives and focus on bringing up your daughter! I get you're worried about him thinking you're sort of using your daughter to get to him, but I honestly don't think he would think like that. If you feel you can't speak to him then text him? Just ask is there any chance that you could be a family, all together. Like I said, if he says no then you can all move on, and it's a weight lifted off your shoulders knowing the answer! And who knows what the future holds x


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## skyesmom

:) Heatherr it will all be good <3 i also agree with Turtle to tell him you want to be in your daughter's life and that that is the most important thing for you. make this clear first and then tell him you love him and how you feel about the whole thing.

i really think he feels the same but the guilt and the difficulty of your situation might overwhelm him as well. 

rejection IS hard BUT... not speaking up means not giving the real chance your love and your daughter deserve to have. imagine once she grows up, how would it be to hear: "I actually loved your mom/dad with all my heart back then when you were on the way, but i just never found courage to speak up?" - i personally would find it both incredibly romantic and beautiful but also very very sad.

again, i don't wanna sound pushy but... you two are facing way bigger challenges than being rejected at the moment. you are facing parenthood, pregnancy, schools, families, friends, major life changes. this all is already so much of a bravery, and i am sure in both your heart and his there is enough of it for this last little step.

it is normal for you to call to complain and be miserable about everything - that's a part of being pregnant no matter what kind of relationship you may be in. but men.. they don't get this even when they're 30-40 and planned it. it makes them feel helpless as they would love to "fix" the things for you but they can't (you know, like when your computer or your dish washer breaks... that's their logic). plus in this situation, i think his guilt may really filter the things in a way to make him think you are angry with him or blame him... 

...plus, he also may already feel rejected as you were so miserable so far about having HIS baby... guys are weird on this and this is one of the deepest rejections they can live (i got LOTS of male friends and some of them took this pregnancy nagging like "she isn't happy to have MY baby"... others whose girlfriends aborted felt devastated for the same reason for months and got no understanding from the most of their male friends too - the standard "man you're lucky to have dodged the bullet!" shit).

all this blabla to say that you two are great and deserve a chance. and any rejection will heal eventually, but the future regret of not having spoken up may linger on for way longer and if you can spare your future self from it, do it! (although i understand the fear as being rejected really really sucks at the beginning) <3 :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## wookie130

I think whatever you decide to do regarding the father is up to you, Heatherr. I'm not sure what my opinion is regarding telling him your feelings...but I'm sure that like everything else, time will give you a bit more clarity, and you'll figure it out for yourself. I guess the worst thing that could happen, is rejection. So, if you're up to facing that, then yeah, I suppose I'd advise taking the plunge and coming clean to him about your feelings. If that possibility is too difficult to face right now, than it's okay to hold off telling him too...

Honestly, I'm just so happy that you know what you'd like your role to be in terms of your daughter and pregnancy, even if you're not sure to what extent quite yet. That right there is huge! 

I hated both of my pregnancies, honestly. A lot of women enjoy being pregnant, and a lot of women don't want the experience to end. I was definitely NOT one of these women, and I definitely yearned deeply for both of my babies in a way that ached in my heart. I just didn't like anything about being pregnant, really. I was uncomfortable, I hated that weight gain, the hormones, I could barely move, and because I have a history of miscarriage, there was always constant worry and anxiety. I couldn't sleep, I craved gross food, my hair felt greasy, and I have no energy to do anything. It just wasn't a beautiful thing for me...but the births!!! Oh, goodness. I had c-sections with both of my babies, and unlike a lot of women who regretted having c-sections, or wanted a natural delivery, etc., I LOVED my c-section births! That moment when my daughter (and son) were lifted out of me, and I could hear that first cry behind the curtain, every pain, sleepless night, and other pregnancy-related annoyance was replaced by inexplicable joy and elation, seriously. That first cry is the most beautiful sound I ever heard. It is amazing how one single moment can change your life forever. While not every mother bonds with their baby immediately, or falls in love with their child instantaneously, I most certainly did, both times. If you're like I was upon seeing that baby, you may decide right then and there that you'd like to be the primary parent. I guess what I'm telling you, is prepare for your feelings to change, at a moment's notice. You just never know how you're going to feel at the moment of your daughter's birth. It can be a big game-changer, is all I'm saying! :)


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## heatherr

Thank you to everyone for being so encouraging. I am just so nervous to say anything to him about our relationship, but I am seeing him tomorrow (first time since the ultrasound close to 3 weeks ago), so maybe I can work up the courage then. I will have to feel out the situation and see if it seems like it'll be a good idea. He wants to talk about things, about how I'm feeling about everything (not about him, about the baby situation) not via text and without my family being around.

Meanwhile, I'm so tired but cannot find a comfortable position to lay in. I've had shooting pains in my lower back and hips for the past 2 days now. From what I've read it sounds like over the next few weeks she'll be doing a lot of growing. She must already be getting bigger because last night my mom could feel her kicking from the outside. I hope she'll do it so fob can feel it tomorrow.


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## Tmb0047

Good luck with today's chat....hope you walk away from it with a sense of comfort. Try not to feel uncomfortable around him. I am sure your "lie" makes you feel young and immature but I don't think that the FOB sees it that way...he seems like a great guy and you seem like a strong young lady. Just remember that you're strong and try your best to be confident in yourself when he is around. No point in continuing to beat yourself up over something in the past.....just look to the future! Everyone's story starts differently, and I think your future will be beautiful :)

When are you due? Feeling baby's kicks and allowing others to feel it is so amazing :)


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## wookie130

If he hasn't forgiven you already for the lie about your age, then he's going to have to learn to do so at some point. So, you messed up, and made a mistake. We've all done it, and you're certainly living with the consequences now...he really should just let it go, and understand that no one is perfect. You don't feel good or proud of how this all happened, and the fact that you're ashamed and he knows it says a lot about YOUR moral fiber. You have a conscience about it. He really needs to take that all in consideration, and realize that it's a mistake that needs to be forgiven, and that from here on out, the central point of interest is the daughter you have together, and go from there...if it leads to a relationship between you two, then that's great! If not, you can co-parent your baby together, and still give her the love of both parents, and both be an integral part of her upbringing and life. 

It will all work out one way or another. Not that there won't be bumps and hiccups, but communication and compromise will be what makes or breaks the arrangement, whether you're with him as a partner, or not! :)


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## wookie130

It's so hard to get comfortable the bigger you get. Don't forget to lie on your left side at night, and try a pillow between your knees. The farther along you get, the harder it will be to sit, lay down, stand, etc. After a while, all physical comfort seems to just go out the window...at least it does for me. One thing that always did help the aches and pains of pregnancy for me was a nightly warm (not overly hot) bath...it just helped to relax me, and ease some of the discomfort. I thought it kind of helped with sore boobies too.


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## Turtle0630

Hi, Heather! Just wanted to pop in and see how everything went yesterday with FOB? I hope well! :)


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## heatherr

Well, I didn't actually tell him how I feel, but I found out how he feels. I asked him if he liked me at all (not romantically, just whatsoever). He said of course he likes me. He knows I feel bad about lying. He said I just need to get over it because he got over it a while ago and we have bigger things to worry about now. I have been worried that his family hates me too (over lying and then just not knowing how I feel and wanting to do adoption). He told me I'm just being paranoid and that nobody is thinking about that stuff. He said if anything, his parents mainly blamed him for the situation, not me. All his mom keeps saying now is things like, "Imagine next year we're going to have a little baby at Christmas!" She's already buying Christmas baby things for next year. 
I told him he doesn't act the same way towards me now, just treats me like a friend. He said well yeah, because we aren't together. Then he asked if I wanted to be together, but I didn't want to say yes, so I just shrugged. He just rolled his eyes and said he is attracted to me, but everyone he knows has made him feel so bad that he feels like a creep being attracted to me now. It feels wrong to him. So, I started to cry because almost everything makes me cry now. I literally cry over something every day. He hugged me and I just cried and cried about everything, like all of the stress of everything just came out. He kissed me, but probably because he feels bad. Then he did the worst thing and told me if I was a few years older he'd ask me to marry him. He was like it's so weird because he never thought he'd feel that way or that he would feel this way about having a baby right now, but he can't really explain it. He said he thinks we just need to see how things go and for me to figure out how involved I'm going to be, where I'm applying for college, how we'll manage everything once I'm done with school this spring, etc.


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## Blu10

Heather i have been following your post for a while now. This baby has been a complete shock for you both but I honestly feel like you two are destined to be together and your last post confirms it! I understand you being scared.... i had my first baby at 27 and was still terrified but you seem like such a lovely girl and im sure you will make the right decision for your baby. Dont worry about what others think, if you and fob want to give it a go then ignore the rumour mill and enjoy x


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## SurpriseBub

Awwww- that sounds so sweet! It does really seem like you both have feelings for each other :) ...take it one day at a time and see what happens. 

...And don't get married for a good while yet! ;)


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## wookie130

Well...that's good, eh? :) I think things could develop over time, really. The baby really could change things between you, and unfortunately, not for the better for a lot of couples. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just realistic. Babies take a toll on couples, and it can be hard. On the other hand, it could deepen your sense of respect for one another, which may actually be good for developing relationship between you two. So...like someone above said, take it one day and one step at a time. You never know!


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## rhdr9193..x

iv just read through this whole thread. and wow what a roller coaster you have been on. 
you sound like an amazing woman and FOB seems to be level headed and very practical, and its great that he wants to be so involved. 
i can totally see this having a fairytale ending. i was 18 when i had my son and me and his daddy are still together. Yes having a baby does change your life but oliver is 2 and a half and im 6 months away from graduating university. 
Life throws curveballs but everyone can deal with them. Well done and big hugs xx


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## skyesmom

Heather! it is so so good that you two guys are stating to talk about your feelings!

he REALLY does sound like he's in love with you and cares A LOT about you, at least to me.
He was brave enough to tell you he feels attracted to you despite being under pressure. He DIDN'T say he DOES NOT feel attracted to you, but said how the external pressure makes him feel that this is WRONG. I also don't think he kissed you because he feels bad. I think he did it because he has feelings for you and it was the most normal and natural thing to do in that moment and he just did it. it is also very good that you let your feelings go and that stress melt out a bit.

and the thing about getting married and all: i don't think what he said is the worst thing ever. i think he's just trying to word his feelings somehow, a feeling of being surprised how much he actually WANTS the baby and a family life with you himself. I think he's surprised by his own reaction and his own feelings and their strength, i think any 23-year-old would be. I am sure having a kid now never crossed his mind as something he may actually be happy and excited about before it happened, but now that it is here and with YOU, he is actually excited, he's attracted to you, he's thinking of future with you and all. 

maybe he feels/fears that asking you to be in a committed relationship/marry him, would mean he'd force you into motherhood and into being a housewife and not taking your chance at college and whatnot (since he mentioned that if you were older - and already had your experiences and clear ideas regarding your place in your daughters' life - he'd ask you to marry him, but because you don't, he doesn't wanna force you).

i totally understand why you shrugged your shoulders when he asked you if you wanna be together, i get your fear... but you know you said just a part of your true feelings with it... and i think he'd be different to you if you told him how you feel.


if you ask me - without wanting to push you into anything - but i think you two should just start hanging out more often, and get closer again. and open up about your feelings gradually. i'm sure this guys cares a lot about you heather. 

the worst thing that can happen is that you two grow closer before your baby comes, and share a part of your pregnancy together. (by the way, did he get to feel your baby kick??)

as the previous poster said, children put strain even on most solid relationships, which is true, but you guys never took your full chance so far so... getting to know each other more before your baby is here can't do you harm, and may actually help you get at least a little bit ready for when the baby actually comes.

ps. it's also great that he told you how his family feels about you and the baby and how excited they are :) it's so good that his parents are also supportive like yours. you kids come from two good families and are really lucky! :) and i already see your daughter will have two grandmas to spoil her rotten :) (i mean this in a GOOD way!)


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## Mannie89

Hi Heather! :flower:
I've been following your thread for a while now! You seem like a very levelheaded young lady and fob sounds amazing as well. I have no words of wisdom or anything but I just wanted to stop by and give you some encouragement. Good luck! You will be an awesome mother. :)


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## Vickster1

it really does seem like he loves you but he's scared about it. i would not worry about the age gap at all - by the time your 18 it'll seem like a complete nothing. i suppose all you can do is keep talking about it and see how it goes. sounds to me though like you will be together at some point - even if not now. x


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## heatherr

Thanks for all your responses everyone. They've all made me smile and I have sort of been feeling sad the past few days. 

I don't think it's so much that I'm 17, like I don't think things would be dramatically different if I turned 18 tomorrow. He said he feels too young for all this stuff and he can only imagine being 5 years younger. It's not so much the actual numbers. Even when he thought I was 19 he didn't plan for things to get this serious. I mean, I really am a kid. I've never even had a job or had to do anything for myself. I guess that's why I felt like him saying he'd marry me was the worst thing, because he said only if I was older. I asked him if he really meant it and he said yeah, but then he'd probably wonder what in the he'll he had done. He said he just felt that way then, but it wasn't something he had really thought about before, especially since the way it sounded to him I seemed like I was going to want very little to do with being a parent. 
I did tell him that I do want to be her mother, but I'm scared to set a solid plan for who she'll be with and when. I think he is still worried that I feel this way because of his decision or that I feel pressured by him. I am still getting used to not constantly going back and forth in my mind about what I'm going to do. It's almost like I sort of convinced myself that I wouldn't be a parent right now, and now that I have decided, I have to come to terms with it all over again. I want everyone to know my decision had nothing to do with my feelings for him. Obviously the way he has been has made me like him a lot more, but I just had a feeling one day while sitting on the couch watching tv and out of nowhere I could just picture my daughter and I just felt like I knew she was meant to be mine. Before, I had similar feelings but didn't know if I could actually follow through with being the sort of mom she deserves.

We barely see each other. Only a few times over the past several months. I would think about it, especially because it feels sort of lonely. My friends are still my friends, but I think it's just sort of awkward now. They can't understand what I'm dealing with and I can't really relate to things they're doing because my mind's been elsewhere for the past 4 months. Anyway, I guess since we will both be raising our daughter we have more reason to spend time together. I don't want to seem desperate to be around him though. I already feel stupid, so I don't want to add to it. I really don't feel desperate about it though. In reality, I'd be really scared to get married. Doesn't mean that I don't like the idea of it. I understand where he is coming from as well. And really things are easy now compared to what it'll be like once she's here. 4 months really doesn't sound like long at all!!


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## hayz_baby

Hey, I hope your ok :)

Maybe you shouldnt have a plan? Maybe now all you need to do is concentrate on you and baby. Your feelings will probably change when you give birth, you will also need a lot of help. When baby is born just work together to get through the harder days and you may find what you really want will just slip into place. You don't have to be together to successfully raise this child but you can work together. I will gurantee you will want the help.
Please make sure that he is kept involved as much as possible, he's the dad and has made it very clear he wants to be in baby's life which is awesome and it's great he is going to step up to be the parent he needs to be. 
I guess what I'm trying to say is just concentrate on being a parent. Parent together and don't worry about much else. The rest will fall into place.

I Hope you keep well


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## heatherr

I know we won't have everything figured out today or even by the time she's born. I am uncomfortable not having some sort of plan in place for what will happen once she comes home, at least on a short term basis. I know we won't be deciding that anytime soon, but by the time she's due I hope we have a better idea of whether she'll be living mainly with him or what. He hasn't outright said it, but has basically said he wants her half the time and not less. He is willing to take on more if I can't, but he doesn't want me to decide that I want her all the time and he just visits a few times a week. I feel like it might be smarter to figure out a short term agreement that we can agree on and see how that works and adjust from there.


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## Britt1979

Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.

Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.


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## Desi's_lost

Britt1979 said:


> Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.
> 
> Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.
> 
> For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.

This is silly. We would never bash a woman for not having the money to raise their baby. We would never tell a mother that she couldn't have her baby so why tell this man that he can't have her?


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## Mannie89

Britt1979 said:


> Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.
> 
> Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.
> 
> For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.


^^ Love how people come to these sites just to stir shit up! Brand new member that's only posted once? Troll alert!! :dohh:

It doesn't sound like he's "bullying" you into anything. Sounds like he is trying to be an awesome dad to his daughter! And to lie to him about being the dad... um no. That is wrong and borderline sickening.


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## pansorie

Britt1979 said:


> For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims?

I guffawed at this. I'm sorry, but most people who have children do not have the money or the time. 

My assumption is he has an extremely supportive family who are willing to bend over backwards for him and new baby. And good for him for stepping up to the plate!


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## skyesmom

Britt1979 said:


> Heather, please don't let this guy bully you into taking adoption off the table. From what I have read, he sounds like he is trying to bully/guilt-trip you into placing adoption off of the table.
> 
> Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.
> 
> For real now, does this guy even have the money and time to care for the baby on his own like he claims? Somehow I doubt it.

hahaha totally Troll Alert! 

Just to remind you dear Troller, we live in the 21st century where it takes just one blood draw to prove someone a father of someone else, after that the legal consequences are effing tough for whoever lied there.

man some people definitely have time to waste!


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## wookie130

Yeah, definitely don't feed the troll. :)

While I think it's amazing that he wants this level of involvement with his daughter, and that he wants to be such a major part of her life, you could decide that you do want to be the primary parent, and want your daughter to spend the majority of her days and nights with you...my opinion is that if that does happen, he should support it, and maximize what time he does get with her in any way possible. 50/50 is a nice split, but it does mean a lot of bouncing your daughter in between two different homes, which can be a lot of transitioning for an infant/toddler/small child. On the other hand, if it happens from the get-go, your daughter won't know any differently, and it could be fine. It's just some things to think about. One major thing impacting your decision early on, is if you're planning to breastfeed your daughter vs. formula feed her. If you intend (or want to try) breastfeeding, she will have to spend the majority of time with you in the beginning, while you're establishing your supply...you could pump, of course, but you'll need that baby close by to latch frequently in the beginning so that you can get a good supply of milk going. If you want to skip that, and go right to formula, then it won't matter so much which one of you has her. Just something to think about! :) Also, it would help if you BOTH had all of the necessary supplies at both of your homes, if you're going to do 50/50, such as you BOTH having your own cribs, swings, bouncy seats, you'll both need carseats, your own stash of clothes. It will be far less that both of you have to tote back and forth...sometimes leaving the house with a baby can feel like you have to bring half the house with you! My suggestion would be to save yourselves some grief, and both have everything of your own for your respective homes, so that you don't have to pack and drag it all with you when you switch hands.

How are you doing on supplies, by the way? Now that you know that you want to be a part of the baby's life, have you started shopping a bit for her?


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## CathiiNoo

Wow! Britt1979 please read the ENTIRE thread before trolling . We have established long ago that she wants to be a mother to her child. She isn't an idiot and is mature enough to know what she wants to do with it being the right thing. 

Comments like these need to be kept off other people's forums. Thank you.


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## heatherr

I don't feel like he is guilting or bullying me into anything. I did and do still feel guilty sometimes over how sure he is and how unsure I am about things, but it's not something he's doing on purpose. He has never told me I have to keep her or be a mother. It's not as if I was dead set on adoption anyway. I will admit that his decision has strongly influenced mine. The fact that he wanted to be involved made it easier for me to consider it, opposed to me being a single parent at this point in my life. If he was not involved at all, I think I probably would be pursuing adoption right now. 


I don't share every conversation that he and I have. He doesn't think it'll be easy, with or without me. I think he's more scared and nervous than he is excited or happy. It's not as if he ever said he'd be a stay at home dad! She'll have to go to daycare. He has graduated college and has a full-time degreed job. He doesn't plan to rely on his family financially, but they are well off and they support his decision, so if there was ever the need for help I'm sure they would be willing. Even if they wouldn't be willing, I'm sure he could figure things out just like the millions of other parents out there do. He's not an idiot. 

It's funny because I'm sure like most of the other people here say, that poster is a troll. But based on what FOB has told me, a lot of people in real life actually ask him those things too. He said at first he just went to a website and asked what his rights would be where we live. Nobody took him seriously because he is a young guy who is willing to be a parent - which apparently is unheard of as far as some people are concerned. And there have been people he knows in real life who have also questioned it, or that have assumed he likes the idea of it now but that he has no idea what it takes to raise a baby and that he'll back out once he realizes it's not all fun and games. I feel really bad that so many people have been that way towards him. People don't really act that way towards young moms - everyone wants to help young mothers.




wookie130 said:


> Yeah, definitely don't feed the troll. :)
> 
> While I think it's amazing that he wants this level of involvement with his daughter, and that he wants to be such a major part of her life, you could decide that you do want to be the primary parent, and want your daughter to spend the majority of her days and nights with you...my opinion is that if that does happen, he should support it, and maximize what time he does get with her in any way possible. 50/50 is a nice split, but it does mean a lot of bouncing your daughter in between two different homes, which can be a lot of transitioning for an infant/toddler/small child. On the other hand, if it happens from the get-go, your daughter won't know any differently, and it could be fine. It's just some things to think about. One major thing impacting your decision early on, is if you're planning to breastfeed your daughter vs. formula feed her. If you intend (or want to try) breastfeeding, she will have to spend the majority of time with you in the beginning, while you're establishing your supply...you could pump, of course, but you'll need that baby close by to latch frequently in the beginning so that you can get a good supply of milk going. If you want to skip that, and go right to formula, then it won't matter so much which one of you has her. Just something to think about! :) Also, it would help if you BOTH had all of the necessary supplies at both of your homes, if you're going to do 50/50, such as you BOTH having your own cribs, swings, bouncy seats, you'll both need carseats, your own stash of clothes. It will be far less that both of you have to tote back and forth...sometimes leaving the house with a baby can feel like you have to bring half the house with you! My suggestion would be to save yourselves some grief, and both have everything of your own for your respective homes, so that you don't have to pack and drag it all with you when you switch hands.
> 
> How are you doing on supplies, by the way? Now that you know that you want to be a part of the baby's life, have you started shopping a bit for her?


At this point, I'll let him have her more than 50% of the time. I do not have an overwhelming feeling that I want her with me all the time. I feel really bad admitting this. I am scared to have her at all. Sometimes I wish I could just visit her. I mean, maybe having her 2 nights would be ok. I have only brought up 50/50 before because I just feel it might be unfair to make him have her more. But I do want to get a job after she is born and I will be starting college and my schedule will be a lot less normal than his will be. That's why I thought maybe I could try to have 2 days where my schedule was clear to have her. I know I might change my mind between now and when she's here, but I can honestly say I am not even remotely leaning toward the idea of having her the majority of the time. I do not plan on ignoring her for the rest of the time where she would be with him. I mean, I could visit her during the week when she was with him, but she could actually stay at his place during the week so she'd stay on a more normal schedule. 

I have not even thought about breastfeeding, assuming I will not have her that many days of the week. I really haven't thought about a lot of these things yet. Like, I know I want to be her mother and not sign my rights away, but at the same time I don't feel like this strong mommy urge where I'm excited about stuff and thinking about how I'm going to parent her. Sorry if this sounds bad. 

The only thing I've bought is a baby book, haha. It was less than 2 weeks ago that I actually decided on anything, so I haven't really gotten to that point yet. I don't have any money of my own, so my parents will have to pay for it. My parents are supportive of my decision, but I think they were giving it a little time to make sure I actually meant it. They just wanted to make sure I wasn't making a decision based on FOB's decision and that I was actually committed to it. He hasn't bought anything yet either. I asked him the other night and he said he'll worry about it in January. I can't believe in January it'll only be 3 months until she's here. Most of the time I don't even think about giving birth. Sometimes I'll suddenly remember that she will eventually come out and I will have to give birth and it scares the heck out of me. I have been watching birth videos on youtube and freaking myself out. Anyone here take birthing classes? Did they they help you at all?


Oh, and skyesmom, I forgot to tell you that he wasn't able to feel her kicking :nope:. My mom only felt it that one time, and I have also felt her from the outside too, but I guess she is not kicking that strongly often enough for people to feel it on the outside all the time. I feel her inside a lot though.


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## heatherr

OMG, I am sorry that my posts always feel so long. This is like the only place I ever talk about all of this. I mean, I do talk to my family and my friends, but I don't always like talking about everything with them and they can't understand in the same way. I just come here and end up typing way too much lol. It's like a diary for me now or something, sorry.


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## SurpriseBub

It will all fall into place- especially so as it seems both you and the father and your families are all on board. Your baby is lucky to have so many people to love and care for her! 

On buying baby stuff (assuming you are in the US): I found Amazon the cheapest for most things. We set up baby registries on there and Babies R Us. My parents wanted to buy our pram, but otherwise we are getting the rest- the registries are great a) if you are having a shower and b) as you get discounts (5-10% back at Babies R Us and a 10% completion discount for Amazon). Just thought I would share for when you are looking to buy. 

Babies also need less than the stores make you think- so don't feel you have to get every gadget they suggest! I am sure you guys will see what you want and need when you are ready :)


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## Britt1979

I assure everyone that I read the entire thread prior to drafting my reply.

I was concerned that Heather was being bullied by a guy that came off as more concerned that the baby doesn't go to strangers than really being a dad. However, Heather's reply to me makes me feel that he has put more thought into this than the previous posts implied.

I still caution that relying on a 23 year old boy to be a rock of a foundation is a dubious proposition and you should make your own decision on adoption without pressure from him and his parents.


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## mara16jade

^^Yup, Amazon.com is probably the #1 place we bought our stuff from. 

As well as Buy Buy Baby. They are the same company as Bed Bath and Beyond and also have 20% off coupons. And will even take (non-expired) Bed Bath and Beyond coupons as well.

My advice is to throw everything on the registry. That way once you know what you still need (assuming you have either a baby shower or people buy gifts for you) you can go back and use the 10% completion discounts that most baby stores offer after your baby shower date. Babies R Us, Buy Buy Baby, Amazon and maybe Target? All offer 10-15% off everything in your registry after whatever date you put for your baby shower.

Don't worry about not having a strong connection with your baby at the moment. A LOT of women don't even feel it after the baby is born! It can take weeks for some women to wrap their head around the fact they have a baby, and that strong, devotion of love will soon follow. :hugs:


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## mara16jade

Britt1979 said:


> Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.

But....not only is that wrong on so many levels, I believe that would be illegal as well. That has got to be some of the worst advice I've read on this board. :nope:


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## Britt1979

That advice was given before Heather replied to me and addressed my concerns about the boy. See my latest reply at the bottom of Page 31.


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## MummyMana

mara16jade said:


> Britt1979 said:
> 
> 
> Decide on your own if you want to place her for adoption, and if you do, just tell him he's not the father(lie if you must, just be convincing) and to step off.
> 
> But....not only is that wrong on so many levels, I believe that would be illegal as well. That has got to be some of the worst advice I've read on this board. :nope:Click to expand...

I wouldn't even call it advice, just someone bored and lonely trying to stir up trouble... Very sad indeed.


Heather, just a suggestion you dont need to even consider it if you don't want to, just throwing it out there :) seeing as your undecided on the percentage of time split between you and her father, have you considered maybe spending the first week after her birth all together as a family, that way you can both get a feel of what life as parents will be like at the same time, and hopefully it'll give you more information to be able to figure it out between you :) (also sorry if this has already been mentioned)


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## Britt1979

For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.


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## MummyMana

Britt1979 said:


> For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

Nevertheless you should not encourage someone to attempt take away someone else's parental rights (yes, rights) against their will.


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## Britt1979

MummyMana said:


> Britt1979 said:
> 
> 
> For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.
> 
> Nevertheless you should not encourage someone to attempt take away someone else's parental rights (yes, rights) against their will.Click to expand...


Fair enough. Like I said, the advice was given before Heather made things more clear.


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## mara16jade

That doesn't even matter. To give advice that can alter another person's life, and could land Heather in deep legal trouble - its wrong and deceitful. Even if the fob had also been 17 years old, no income, no college degree - you can't just decide for him that he will not be the father because you don't want him to. lol Come on.


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## Britt1979

I was merely trying to help someone stand up for herself and prevent getting bullied based on the information that was available before Heather replied to me.


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## heatherr

MummyMana said:


> Heather, just a suggestion you dont need to even consider it if you don't want to, just throwing it out there :) seeing as your undecided on the percentage of time split between you and her father, have you considered maybe spending the first week after her birth all together as a family, that way you can both get a feel of what life as parents will be like at the same time, and hopefully it'll give you more information to be able to figure it out between you :) (also sorry if this has already been mentioned)

We haven't thought about that, but maybe we will once we get closer to. He was suggesting different options, but then got frustrated when I didn't like any of the options, so he said I can figure it out. 



Britt1979 said:


> For what it's worth, I don't trust a man out of college that goes around having unprotected sex with a girl still in high school to be reliable or trustworthy enough to influence to be taken at face value, but I don't known him and Heather does.

If you had read the entire thread, or even just the first post, thoroughly like you said you did, you'd have known that he wasn't aware that I was 17 or in high school at the time. He didn't find out until I confessed to him at the same time I told him I was pregnant. Sort of hard to hide my age if we're having a baby together. He also told me if he had originally known I was 17 he wouldn't have been with me and he definitely wouldn't have had sex with me. He doesn't make a habit of sleeping with teenage girls. His previous girlfriend who he dated for a few years was his own age.


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## missk1989

Dont feel bad about long posts. It is good for you to be able to spill out all your thoughts. People have been following you for months now and I know I like to hear updates about how you are getting along, im sure others do too.


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## rebeccalouise

Hey Heather. I've just read through your entire thread, took me about an hour! :haha:

I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck, I was in your shoes whilst pregnant with my daughter - I'm now a very happy/blessed mother, due to marry my amazing partner in April, and trying for our second baby. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy to get where I am today, but I did it! With love, support and determination, anything is possible. I really hope everything works out for you, you seem incredibly mature for your age. I could relate to so many of your posts on this thread, made me relive a lot of feelings! :flow: x


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## Mannie89

Britt1979 said:


> I assure everyone that I read the entire thread prior to drafting my reply.
> 
> I was concerned that Heather was being bullied by a guy that came off as more concerned that the baby doesn't go to strangers than really being a dad. However, Heather's reply to me makes me feel that he has put more thought into this than the previous posts implied.
> 
> *I still caution that relying on a 23 year old boy to be a rock of a foundation is a dubious proposition and you should make your own decision on adoption without pressure from him and his parents*.



Man... not boy. He obviously has a good head on his shoulders, college degree, good job(as Heatherr mentioned), natural paternal instinct... this describes a man, not a boy. Unless you're like, 50 years old, 23 is not an age that most would consider someone a "boy." 

Heatherr, I would say this guy is a keeper! Even if you don't end up together as a couple, it sounds like you really lucked out to have him as your child's father. :thumbup:


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## wookie130

Why are we still engaging Britt1979 in this conversation? Seems to me like an exercise in futility...

Anyway, no, Heatherr, all of the stuff you mentioned in reply to my post does NOT make you sound bad at all! It makes you sound honest, and I wish more young mothers would be level-headed and self-actualized about their pregnancies. I certainly do not judge you for feeling the way you do about the baby, and your role in this thing as it stands right now. I'm just telling you that once the baby is born, you may feel immediately differently about your level of involvement in her life...then again, you may not, and perhaps you really will want the FOB to be the default parent. There is NOTHING wrong with that. 

I would suggest both childbirth AND baby care classes, which are both usually offered by the hospital you plan to deliver at, most likely. I learned a lot from the childbirth class...and then ended up having 2 c-sections! LOL!!! Oh well. I was happy to do the classes, and if they taught me anything, it was to expect the unexpected! You just never know what will happen, so it's best to try to be as informed about what could happen, and what options you have at the hospital, etc. The baby care classes will teach you things about feeding, car seat safety, safe sleeping practices (which are SOOOOOO important), infant crying practices, when to take baby to the doctor, etc. It's a good one for young parents such as yourselves!

My suggestion as far as shopping, is to check out quality consignment stores. I have gotten some really amazing bargains on just about everything...do get a brand new mattress for your crib, however. Amazon is really great for new stuff, however. But for cheap jammies, plain onesies, etc., Walmart and Target are just fine. Babies aren't too fussy about where their clothes and supplies come from! LOL!


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## gemmalauren

Read half of this post but was getting confused as time went on, I'm 19 & pregnant with baby number one, did you finally get to the doctors?


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## Eleanor ace

Hi ladies, just a reminder that if you have concerns about a poster please let admin know- you can report their posts with your concerns- no calling troll on the forum please :flower:.


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## xforuiholdonx

Yes Gemma, she's been to the doctor :) 
I'm so glad you've decided to have a part in parenting your little girl! It's a decision you won't regret!
Hang in there :hugs:


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## gemmalauren

Glad she went, hope she's okay :) is she having a little girl?xxx


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## heatherr

I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.


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## gemmalauren

heatherr said:


> I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.


Glad everything is working out, how is the situation with baby daddy, feel free to message me xxx


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## MummyMana

heatherr said:


> I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.

I dunno what it's like in America, but on the UK they use locozade


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## Mannie89

heatherr said:


> I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.



The stuff isn't too bad! It's just like really sweet koolaid. I got the citrus kind(orange) and it wasn't too bad. I drink Mt. Dew though so you can imagine it didn't bug me. :haha:


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## heatherr

I don't like sweet things. Thinking about it makes me want to puke already.


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## heatherr

gemmalauren said:


> heatherr said:
> 
> 
> I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.
> 
> 
> Glad everything is working out, how is the situation with baby daddy, feel free to message me xxxClick to expand...

I don't know how much you've read. Nothing has really changed since my last posts about him. He is willing to take on a lot of the responsibility of raising her, or at least caring for her for now. I am lucky that he is letting me be pretty flexible with how involved I want to be. I understand why he doesn't necessarily want to be with me,regardless of age. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't even know how involved she wants to be with the child you're having together?


----------



## gemmalauren

heatherr said:


> gemmalauren said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> heatherr said:
> 
> 
> I have been to the doctor several times since the start of this thread. Last time, I found out I'm having a girl. My next appointment is next week (I'll be 24 weeks) and I have to do the glucose test, which I'm not looking forward to because I throw up very easily even when I'm not pregnant and everyone says how bad that stuff tastes.
> 
> 
> Glad everything is working out, how is the situation with baby daddy, feel free to message me xxxClick to expand...
> 
> I don't know how much you've read. Nothing has really changed since my last posts about him. He is willing to take on a lot of the responsibility of raising her, or at least caring for her for now. I am lucky that he is letting me be pretty flexible with how involved I want to be. I understand why he doesn't necessarily want to be with me,regardless of age. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't even know how involved she wants to be with the child you're having together?Click to expand...

Its good hes offering support & not just done a runner
Everything will be okay in the end, can't imagine how your feeling, I'm still scared about it all at 19! Just keep strong xxx


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## Desi's_lost

I puked that nasty sh.t up :/ it was disgusting. You don't HAVE to drink it, they have a test that you can do where you don't have to drink it, they had me do that one after. I would request that if you know you get sick easily. Honestly, I don't think you should have to take the test if you're young, a healthy weight and don't have a family history or any symptoms, but the drs don't agree with me.


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## wookie130

Desi's_lost said:


> I puked that nasty sh.t up :/ it was disgusting. You don't HAVE to drink it, they have a test that you can do where you don't have to drink it, they had me do that one after. I would request that if you know you get sick easily. Honestly, I don't think you should have to take the test if you're young, a healthy weight and don't have a family history or any symptoms, but the drs don't agree with me.

I don't entirely agree with this, I guess. I think the gestational diabetes test is really important, actually. It is a very common condition during pregnancy, and while it seems to be even more common in older gals such as myself, it is not unheard of when a young lady/teen develops it during pregnancy. The risks involved in ignoring it are very real...stillbirth due to a retired placenta that lost functioning is a scary possibility for letting GD go, and yes, it does happen. I'm not sure about any alternative tests that are available...but honestly, I don't think the orange stuff is that bad. In the states it's called glucola, and it's usually a very sweet orange-flavored thing that is most easily done when you SLAM it as fast as possible, and do it while it's very cold. I don't love overly sweet stuff, either, and I survived it twice. LOL! It's the blood testing that happens after the glucola that always gets me. I'm not a fan of needles...brrr!!!


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## Feronia

wookie130 said:


> Desi's_lost said:
> 
> 
> I puked that nasty sh.t up :/ it was disgusting. You don't HAVE to drink it, they have a test that you can do where you don't have to drink it, they had me do that one after. I would request that if you know you get sick easily. Honestly, I don't think you should have to take the test if you're young, a healthy weight and don't have a family history or any symptoms, but the drs don't agree with me.
> 
> I don't entirely agree with this, I guess. I think the gestational diabetes test is really important, actually. It is a very common condition during pregnancy, and while it seems to be even more common in older gals such as myself, it is not unheard of when a young lady/teen develops it during pregnancy. The risks involved in ignoring it are very real...stillbirth due to a retired placenta that lost functioning is a scary possibility for letting GD go, and yes, it does happen. I'm not sure about any alternative tests that are available...but honestly, I don't think the orange stuff is that bad. In the states it's called glucola, and it's usually a very sweet orange-flavored thing that is most easily done when you SLAM it as fast as possible, and do it while it's very cold. I don't love overly sweet stuff, either, and I survived it twice. LOL! It's the blood testing that happens after the glucola that always gets me. I'm not a fan of needles...brrr!!!Click to expand...

There are definitely alternative tests and you don't have to do it either, especially if you don't have any risk factors or symptoms. I'm skipping the GD test this pregnancy since I have no risk factors unless I happen to develop symptoms. Some people drink alternative drinks or eat foods with similar glycemic indexes to the drink. Others monitor their own blood sugar at various times, and another option is to just stick to a diet similar to the GD diet and get additional exercise since that's all you'd be doing anyway if you were diagnosed with GD anyway. So there are alternatives if you think you'd vomit the disgusting orange drink up! (I almost did during my first pregnancy, hah.)


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## Feronia

Sorry, duplicate post!


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## heatherr

I did end up getting through the test. I drank the stuff while gagging and I did almost throw up. Then I could still taste it for most of the day, which would make me gag when I thought about it. But I'm ok now.


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## klink

Heather I've been reading all of this thread and I think you are being very mature about everything. I hope everything works out the way you want it to and fob sounds really like he likes you and your little one. Have you thought about any names yet? :flower:


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## heatherr

Thank you klink. We actually haven't talked about names. I don't have anything that I really like.


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## Desi's_lost

heatherr said:


> Thank you klink. We actually haven't talked about names. I don't have anything that I really like.

With my first, I came across "Assyria" in my bible as lit class. Changed it to Asyria and that stuck. With my second, we had the hardest time coming up with a name we liked. We basically settled on Khai the day I had him and literally picked his middle name in the prep room before my section. I hated that. But for us, it seems like a name will just pop up and seem right.


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## heatherr

There are tons of names I like, but none of them seem good enough. It's hard when you can only pick 1 name (or 2, considering a middle name).


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## HBGirl

I have not read the whole thread but just wanted to wish you all of the best with your little girl. Girls are the best!


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## heatherr

I have not posted to much recently because 1) there hasn't been too much going on and 2) I have been busy with the holidays and spending a lot of time with fob. His family had a big Christmas party and he invited me. I didn't want to go because I felt really awkward and of course I don't know anybody. But it went really good and everyone in his whole family was really nice to me, so I think if anything my child is lucky to be getting a great family. His mom showed me all this stuff she bought for the baby, mainly just cute little outfits and stuff. We have to get all of the big stuff still. I don't want a shower because it's embarrassing to me and I don't want to be the center of attention.


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## missk1989

heatherr said:


> I have not posted to much recently because 1) there hasn't been too much going on and 2) I have been busy with the holidays and spending a lot of time with fob. His family had a big Christmas party and he invited me. I didn't want to go because I felt really awkward and of course I don't know anybody. But it went really good and everyone in his whole family was really nice to me, so I think if anything my child is lucky to be getting a great family. His mom showed me all this stuff she bought for the baby, mainly just cute little outfits and stuff. We have to get all of the big stuff still. I don't want a shower because it's embarrassing to me and I don't want to be the center of attention.

Im glad they are being so nice and that the 2 of you are spending time together. I think it is appropriate not to have a shower if you are still unsure about how much of a part you want to play.


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## Feff

That's really good that they were so nice to you :) I bet it made you feel a lot better. Hope things are going well and sorry I haven't been able to comment much! If you do want to talk to anybody you can message me on here and I'll reply when I can :) x


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## LittleLala

Aww that sounds lovely. I'm glad to hear that you've had a nice Christmas :)


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## heatherr

I'm sick now, feeling sick to my stomach for the past few days. My books have also started leaking...ugh.


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## LittleLala

Ah the joys of pregnancy, lol. I'm sorry you have to go through this. :hugs: it will eventually get better, one day you will start to feel like your old self again <3


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## wookie130

How many weeks along are you now, Heather? I can't remember. Perhaps the sickness is a bit of a stomach bug? The leaky tatas are par for the course, naturally. But the pukey feeling...hmmm. I did start getting a little nauseous toward the very end, as both of my babies were putting pressure on my stomach contents, which is pretty common. Maybe that's what is happening to you?


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## heatherr

I'm about 25 weeks now. 
I haven't been throwing up, but I've had a constant queasy feeling for almost a week now. No food sounds good and I never feel hungry. Before this whatever it is, I seemed to feel hungry all the time. Even my favorite Christmas sweets don't sound good to me.


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## wookie130

Well, maybe you are just getting a little stomach bug. I would definitely keep trying to choke down a little something now and again, and keep taking your prenatal vitamins. I hope you feel better soon, and the yucky feeling passes!


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## heatherr

Well, to make me feel even better, fob says today that he wants to get a DNA test just to make sure he is really the father. I understand why, but I know he is doing it because his family wants him to. They think I might be lying to take advantage. But the only safe test is after the baby is born.


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## CelticNiamh

heatherr said:


> Well, to make me feel even better, fob says today that he wants to get a DNA test just to make sure he is really the father. I understand why, but I know he is doing it because his family wants him to. They think I might be lying to take advantage. But the only safe test is after the baby is born.

That is really crappy but I guess I can see why, I would not do it till baby is here and only if he pays for it which I am sure he said he would anyway :hugs:

Hope your ok


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## wookie130

Oh, man. Well, you've got nothing to lose by doing it, and giving them all that satisfaction and confirmation, I suppose. How do you feel about doing it?


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## heatherr

Well I know he is the father, so I'm not worried about that part. It makes me feel bad that anyone would doubt me, but I understand I guess. I don't know, his family is really nice to me, so it makes me wonder what they're saying when I'm not around. I am not trying to take advantage of anyone and haven't asked for anything.


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## smoore

I think that is understandable, especially since he may be taking on primary care taker for a while. It sounded like your relationship was pretty short so he may not feel like he knows you well. Plus, not to like rub your nose in it.. but you did lie to him about your age which is pretty big. I don't think it is unreasonable for him to request this and since you have no worries it doesn't hurt anything. :)


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## LittleLala

Ugh. It must make you feel horrible :( :hugs: obviously doing it will show them that he is the father, and it will remove any doubt. But I understand that just them talking about it (and you) must make you feel down. 

Hope you feel better soon x


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## heatherr

I guess the lawyer says it should be done just from a legal standpoint to officially legally prove he is the father. If we were married, he'd automatically be the legal father. I understand he is just trying to protect himself and his rights. He doesn't seem to think I'm lying about it being his baby, but maybe he does doubt it and just doesn't tell me.


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## LittleLala

I'm sure that it's just his family x


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## MummyMana

I reckon it's not to prove to him or them that he is the father, but moreso just to make sure he has legal rights, you know :)


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## Feff

Yeah, I would say it's more for legal reasons than because he has doubts. Which is understandable if it's being talked about that he will be the baby's primary care giver. I know how shitty that feels though so I get why you might be a bit upset x


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## skyesmom

i agree with the previous posters on this test being needed for the legal issues. he really stood up for you and this baby and i don't think he has any doubts about it being his. so many guys would have just ran away in this situation, regardless of their age but he so far acted great.

i think it might be his parents and his lawyer asking for this not to check if you are lying, but to make sure he gets the legal rights on your baby, as currently he has no and you guys have been talking about him being a primary caretaker.

it sure isn't the most charming thing to be asked for and leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but i'm sure no one is doubting that or putting it in question, just that they need a legal proof for legal reasons. :hugs:

have you met his parents yet?


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## heatherr

Yeah, he made me feel better about it. He says there are a lot of things we don't think about, reasons why legally he has to do it for him and the baby. He says it isn't because anyone doubts me. Although, I do know there are a few people who doubt me and think that I am trying to pin it on him because he has his life together. That theory doesn't make much sense to me because I have never asked him for anything, never tried to make him be involved...I have not forced him into anything. These people are not important and they'll all be proven wrong anyway. These are mainly friends of fob who don't know me. I wasn't even supposed to find out what they said, but did accidentally.


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## MrsC8776

I think you are handling this all very well. He is as well. I'm sure it's a hard thing to hear that he needs the DNA test. With that being said I'm sure it made him feel pretty uncomfortable to have to ask. I can see why his lawyer would want him to, you guys aren't married and in most states (if not all) he has not a single right until that test is done and submitted to the courts. Just keep your head up. It sounds like he truly believes in you and doesn't doubt you one bit. :hugs:


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## Midnight_Fairy

Just read through. I had my son at 17 it is scary but worth it. Big hugs x


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## heatherr

I have been really struggling for the past few days about my decision. I feel horrible and don't want to tell anyone in real life like fob or my family, but I am now feeling really unsure about being involved with my child at all. I don't want to go back on what I said before. FOB asked me if I wanted to help pick out stuff for the baby because he's going to start buying stuff now. I'm not really interested at all. I was interested a few weeks ago. I don't know if I'm just having a case of being really nervous right now. I think I was able to put things off until 2015, but now that it's January and it's 3 months away I'm starting to feel just as scared and unsure as I was back when I first found out I was pregnant.


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## klink

It's ok hun. Take a breather. I understand that all this is very freightening to you. And whatever decision you make is okay. Mybe you can go with him and pick some stuff out snd see how you feel after? You need to talk to him about your fears though to give him a heads up. :hugs:


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## mara16jade

The thought of L&D is very scary. Just take it one day at a time and relax. I'd go with him to look at/buy baby stuff. I find it fun even when its not for my baby. haha :hugs:


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## heatherr

Well, giving birth scares me, but that isn't what I'm most scared of. I just am back to feeling like I don't want to be a mom at all and that I was nothing to do with this baby.


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## mara16jade

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. But my only word of caution is, before you tell him and your family - be sure about your feelings. If you feel wishy-washy, maybe keep those thoughts to yourself to avoid unnecessary drama at the moment. You have three months before the baby is here. And then you never know how you'll feel until you see your daughter. If you want to mention to FOB that you're nervous about being a mom, I'd say that's pretty normal. But to tell him you want nothing to do with the baby...just be sure before you tell him that. Just my two cents.


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## skyesmom

heather love, it is totally normal to panic out. ALL pregnant ladies panic out in regards to being mums. people don't say it as it's easier to judge those feelings than just the politically correct "oh i am so thrilled, the only important thing is that the baby is healthy, other things don't matter".

it is a major change for a person at ANY age, let alone a tender age like yours! and it is totally OK to have your feelings. i'm with you of not telling it to people in your real life as they will misinterpret it due to the entire situation.

panic is normal. fear is normal. doubts as well. we are just human heatherr, and no matter how much we want it, we'll never be able to do it ALL perfect and right. and we'll always be afraid of big things that overwhelm us, no matter how much we may want them as well.

so take a deep breath and don't force yourself to feel or not feel anything. these waves of feelings are normal and they come and go, and get more intense in both ways (panic and excitement) as the term gets closer. it is also your hormones in it as well.

regarding buying baby clothes and stuff, i'd go with your FOB for a little shopping tour. those are those small moments you don't wanna miss out on as you may regret it later. so just go with it and see how it goes.

and if the panic gets you there, tell him that you are very scared about the things and so on.


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## wookie130

You know, I do get this, heatherr. But, I guess I'm going to advise you to not make any decisions of that caliber until after you've delivered the baby. If after that, you still want no involvement, then you can address it then. Childbirth is a scary thing for many of us...and motherhood is something that carries a lot of uncertainties, too. I guess I'm worried that you'll make a decision that you'll regret for the rest of your life...but, if after having and meeting your child you feel the same way, then perhaps your relinquishing her entirely would be best.


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## heatherr

I do not plan to tell anyone how I feel right now or make any decisions right away. I'm hoping it's just a feeling that will pass. I just feel this panic like I want my entire freedom and don't want to have a child to be responsible for at all. I had become very ok with the idea, and then over the past few days I'm like, "What am I thinking?!" I guess certain things just trigger it. I have to think differently about a lot of things in my future and I'm still not used to it. I think maybe having to go back to school after Christmas break is one reason I'm having this panic. I just realize all of the things I have to worry about and think about that none of my friends do.


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## skyesmom

you don't have to find the answers or solutions to all those questions right away. you'll deal with all those things as they come. one of the easiest ways to fall into the panic mode is to overthink of all the what ifs and problems and issues and challenges that will present themselves in the future all at once, and thinking of how you will be able to cope with all that. but you DON'T need to cope with all of that at once. it gets sorted out one by one as you go. just like you don't have ALL your school tests in ONE day, nor each single one of those tests determines your future forever by itself.

being scared and panicking out is normal but worrying and over-thinking won't help solve anything. it is true that your friends don't have to deal with the same things that you do, but i am sure their own problems overwhelm them in the same way like yours overwhelm you (i know you may laugh at all that right now but it is how it is, just think what used to worry you a year ago in comparison to this and you'll laugh).

you are dealing really well with all of this, trust me you do, both you and the FOB. you're showing maturity and responsibility way beyond your age and being strong and mature doesn't mean having no fears and doubts and problems and hardships.. it just means dealing with them with care and honesty the best that you can, and trust me, both you and him are already doing this.

give yourself some credit when the doubts come over you. you are so so brave and somehow you will find a way, i promise.


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## klink

I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do :flower: 
You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things. :hugs:


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## klink

I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do :flower: 
You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things. :hugs:


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## Hermione394

Okay I'm caught up.

It sounds like the FOB is being really supportive, which is definitely a good thing for you. As for wanting a paternity test, my guess, honestly, is that the lawyer is telling him to do so. Not necessarily his family or himself, but merely from a legal standpoint to protect his own rights (from people who would suddenly decide to lie in order to put up for adoption, for instance). 

As for your attraction towards him, maybe if you frame it in the stance of "once I'm 18, would you be willing to try us again?" It seems most of is discomfort is with you being a minor, so that might be easier. I'd also make it clear that it has nothing to do with your daughter, and you wouldn't fight him on his desires to have her 50% of the time if he said no, it's just merely that you are still attracted to him and want to give it a go. Just a thought <3.

I'm routing for both of you, you've got this momma!


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## heatherr

klink said:


> I didn't mean, tell him that you feel like you don't want to be involved. I meant more like, give him a heads up that you are confused and still don't really know what to do :flower:
> You will sort it out. Just give yourself some time to overthink things. :hugs:

Oh I know. I was just responding to everyone who had suggested not telling anyone that I didn't want anything to do with the baby at this point until I was sure.



Hermione394 said:


> Okay I'm caught up.
> 
> It sounds like the FOB is being really supportive, which is definitely a good thing for you. As for wanting a paternity test, my guess, honestly, is that the lawyer is telling him to do so. Not necessarily his family or himself, but merely from a legal standpoint to protect his own rights (from people who would suddenly decide to lie in order to put up for adoption, for instance).
> 
> As for your attraction towards him, maybe if you frame it in the stance of "once I'm 18, would you be willing to try us again?" It seems most of is discomfort is with you being a minor, so that might be easier. I'd also make it clear that it has nothing to do with your daughter, and you wouldn't fight him on his desires to have her 50% of the time if he said no, it's just merely that you are still attracted to him and want to give it a go. Just a thought <3.
> 
> I'm routing for both of you, you've got this momma!

Yeah, I know the lawyer has to prepare for the worst case scenario. Even though I know that I won't try to lie and put her up for adoption, they have to cover all of their bases. I'm pretty much over that now. I just took it the wrong way I guess. Plus, I'm just paranoid about what people think about me, so I just sort of read more into it than I should have.

As far a us being together, it's not something I will bring up any time soon since I'm back to feeling so unsure about what I will do. Around the holidays we did spend more time together and we almost slept together, but then I guess both realized it wouldn't be a good idea.


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## skyesmom

awwww that's actually such a cute thing to hear! :) it is good that you had some sort of a rekindling :) and if you end up wanting to sleep with each other it may happen when it feels less awkward.. but i'm so so happy to hear this :)


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## BabyCleo

Hello!! I read all through this and I just wanted to say congrats!! 

I never got pregnant at 17, (Im 23) however I did run away from home. I took off one night and never went back. (Its a long story) But when I did that, I gave up my education, money, and a comfortable lifestyle. I finished high school on time, however I was working 2 jobs at that time. Over time, I got a university degree (forensic science), I met my husband and we got a place. It took a lot of hard work, patience and sacrifice. I did make it however and now im sitting here happily married, pregnant and financially stable. 

I gave up a regular teen life because I had too. (Unstable home) and I do not regret any of it. Everything I wanted, I did eventually get. I PROMISE you, if you keep this baby, you will also get everything you want and have a normal life. 

None of my other friends ran away, but we stayed friends. I left with literally nothing but my handbag and my work uniform. I now live in a beautiful condo, fully furnished. I promise, you will be okay. I know that not being "normal" sounds scary, and it was scary for me but I made it work and it worked out really well!! 

Im not suggesting you run away from home lol, im just letting you know that I was someone who had a very different life and responsibilities than the regular 17 year old. I had to worry about rent, money, jobs, while my friends worried about college, parties, and parents. 

It will be okay no matter what you choose. Adoption is a very noble thing to do, and so is keeping your little one. If you want to message me please feel free, im having a little girl at the end of may. I can talk to you more about having a very different life at 17. :) <3


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## Blu10

How are things Heather?


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## Midnight_Fairy

Hope your ok x


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## Feff

Hope you and bump are well :hugs:


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## 40isnotold

I have also just read through your situation. Thank you for sharing it. I think the fob is a remarkable man to be so agreeable to taking on the responsibility of a baby. He sounds stable with a great family, so your baby will be loved, regardless of what you decide. 

I think that it is completely ok to wait until your daughter is born before making any decisions, including how often she should be with her dad. You may fall completely in love with her the first time you see or hear her and want to spend every moment with her. Or, when you see her, you may decide that her being with her father permanently is the best option for her. So, please don't worry about that for now, and please don't let the fob try to pressure you into deciding how to split the time (if you decide to be at least 50% involved and want to breastfeed, it may mean her spending more time with you at first). 

One piece of advice I would like to give you is to not be bothered with what people say or think about you and/or the fob. I know it is hard for a teen to accept that, but you are a strong young woman. You are going through a situation that most people your age don't go through. When everything is all said and done, it doesn't matter what others think - just remain true to yourself and do what you feel is right for you. Who cares what others think? What is important is taking care of yourself and the baby you are carrying so that both of you are healthy and as stress-free as possible. Things will work out the way they are meant to be - no need to rush to anything right now.

Good luck and I will continue to follow this!


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## wookie130

I totally agree with 40isnotold when she advised you to not think about how to split your time prior to your daughter's birth. I really, really feel that you should just see what happens once the baby is born...it's such a tough thing to gauge prior to that moment.


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## heatherr

It's not as simple as just leaving it completely up in the air. It affects more than just me. Financially, my parents have to cover everything for me. If I suddenly decide I want her with me most of the time, they will have to buy everything I would need. In no way am I saying that I will make a 100% definite decision about things at this point or even after she is born. It might take a while to find out what the best option is for everyone involved, but I feel for everyone's sake I need to at least have some sort of idea of what I want to do so everyone is prepared.

At this moment, I don't want anything to do with this baby.


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## Feronia

I wouldn't let finances pressure you into a decision before you're ready. Newborns don't need that much, so why not have the absolute bare essentials on hand (diapers, wipes, a few outfits, and a safe place to sleep, even if it's just your bed made up safely -- look up a safe cosleeping guide, it's easy). It wouldn't cost much, and you'd be able to get more if you decide to have her for longer periods of time. Don't go out and buy a stroller, high chair, bouncer, changing table, etc -- expensive things that you don't really need (we've gone without all of them). Then you wouldn't need to worry about imposing on anyone with finances and you'd have more time to make the decision that's right for you.


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## heatherr

I'm not letting anything pressure me into making a decision before I'm ready. Everyone involved understands the way I feel right now but that no final decisions are being made. It might be months after she is born that any sort of long standing arrangement is made, just depending on what happens. I just don't feel like I can be like, "Well, I'm going to leave everything completely up in the air until she's born, guys." Everyone will prepare for the most likely scenario, understanding that the plan could still change. 

Something miraculous will have to happen for me to want her to be with me all the time. I don't plan to argue about the 50/50 thing if it comes down to it. I really REALLY just want me own life. I want my old life back.


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## wookie130

:hugs:


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## heatherr

Sorry if I came off like a bitch in my last posts. I'm so stressed out about all of this right now and have basically just been crying non stop for a few days over everything.


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## klink

Don't worry about it. We all know how stressful pregnancy is and what hormones do to you! Not to mention being in your situation. It's all good! :hugs: :flower:


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## Feff

Big :hugs: heather. Hopefully you can come to a set decision soon and it'll make you feel better. I wish I could offer some advice but only you can make a decision now! I agree with a pp though to buy the bare necessities just in case, even if the baby doesn't live with you in the end you can give the stuff to her dad x


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## skyesmom

:hugs: no one is judging you Heatherr, this forum is here to vent away and say what's on your mind! and i agree with all the pps, maybe take just the very necessary for the birth, and when she's here provide the rest depending on how you feel. i am sure your parents understand your situation, from what you've written so far.


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I promise when the time comes you will know what is best for all involved XOXOXO Good Luck


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## BabyCleo

I fully agree with the ladies here!! You don't have to feel bad about freaking out. Hell, ive done it and this was a planned baby!! I still freak out now! :hugs: 

I agree with the other girls. Buy some diapers, clothes (just a few outfits nothing crazy) and the bare essentials to get through the first month. From there, you will have a better idea of what you want to do. You can also get things second hand too. 

Its a good idea to have some form of plan in place, but I do agree that you will know better once you give birth. Can you talk to your parents about your feelings? They went through having babies, and can be a great support network with how you are feeling. Sooner or later, your life will feel more normal again. I know you said you wanted your old life back, but the real reality is that your life will never be the same, and that's not a bad thing! Even if you do give up your girl for adoption, that will be apart of your life. Embrace it. Its a good thing. Babies are a gift! 

No matter what I know you will be just fine :) You are a very smart person for looking at all your options and wanting a plan sooner over later. Its also okay not to know what to do. Trust me, I have no freaking idea what im doing half the time! :hugs: 

Please message me if you would like to chat. :) Im all open ears!!


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## Midnight_Fairy

Thinking of you x


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## skyesmom

by the way, girls... you are all SO amazing! i LOVE this forum for being so accepting, helpful and non-judgmental!


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## heatherr

In about a month I'm going to a birthing class that is going to last pretty much all day Saturday and Sunday. 

We've decided on a name, but we're not going to tell anyone until she's born. Well, I pretty much let him come up with selections and then just told him which ones I hated and which ones I liked best and let him choose. I have a hard time calling her by a name at this point though. I still just say "the baby." I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so bad about it. This is the worst I have felt about it for the entire pregnancy. I don't know if I am just getting more and more scared the closer it gets to her being born, or if I'm just now realizing the reality of the situation and wondering why I ever decided to go through with this. 

FOB is getting frustrated with me. He told me he is not really excited about any of this either, but we just have to deal with it and that I'm obviously not ready to be a parent because I'm just a spoiled little brat who only cares about myself. :nope: He says I can make whatever decision I want, but then I can tell he gets annoyed when I say I just want to give her to him and be done with it.


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## BabyCleo

Ive picked a name and still just say "baby" ... to me it feels weird to call her by her name until shes out!! 

It IS a frustrating time, unfortunately time dosent just stop (which would be nice!) but I do think you should cut yourself some slack! you are being very hard on yourself!! Its okay to be annoyed and frustrated, don't feel guilty :hugs: as far as what FOB says, its not fair of him to call you a brat. Hes not baking a baby!! Does his/your parents have input regarding what they think you should do after baby is born?


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## heatherr

My parents do not think I should make any rush decisions once she's born. They think even if she is born and I still don't feel like I want to be a parent, I shouldn't just hand her over and make a decision that quickly because I could regret it, but they understand if I really decide I would rather she just live full time with fob.


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## SurpriseBub

Sending lots of good thoughts your way, Heather! Pregnancy is tough... Certainly tougher than I imagined, and I am sure even tougher when you are young and didn't expect to be in this position! :) I think you are clever to have a post birth plan in mind well before the big day, but also agree with your parents that you shouldn't rush to make a final decision. 

You still have a lot of time. Try not to pressure yourself too much. :) and don't be put off by the FOB. He doesn't get the stress and strain of being pregnant... he made his decision (which is great!), but that doesn't mean you magically know what to do. He is probably just frustrated with everything, which is understandable... But not a fair reason to lash out or be mean. 

Be kind to yourself! I hope that you find clarity as time goes on :flower:


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## Vickster1

So sorry you're feeling like that. It's good to hear that your parents are been supportive. 

Just don't rush into decisions now as you may regret them later. You never know what you'll feel once she's here x


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## Feff

I still call Elodie 'the baby' now and she's nearly 2 :haha: as a pp said, your life will never be the same again whether you choose to be in your daughters life or not. You will be a parent forever. Some days I would love my old life back but then I think why? I wasn't going anywhere. Now I'm a mother to a beautiful, loving daughter and just started a job I'm really interested in which has good prospects. If I didn't have Elodie I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I do now. Don't make any rush decisions. When I was pregnant and in the early days I used to think about asking my mam to take custody of Elodie because I thought I couldn't cope. Turns out I can and I could lol. If you want your old life back so you can still do fun things with your friends, sorry but they'll probably drift from you. The people I bothered with before I had Elodie I NEVER see. They'd drift from you anyway because as you get older and people go to different universities/colleges/jobs/get boyfriends everyone does drift. Sorry if that didn't make sense lol x


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## heatherr

Feff said:


> I still call Elodie 'the baby' now and she's nearly 2 :haha: as a pp said, your life will never be the same again whether you choose to be in your daughters life or not. You will be a parent forever. Some days I would love my old life back but then I think why? I wasn't going anywhere. Now I'm a mother to a beautiful, loving daughter and just started a job I'm really interested in which has good prospects. If I didn't have Elodie I wouldn't be pushing myself as much as I do now. Don't make any rush decisions. When I was pregnant and in the early days I used to think about asking my mam to take custody of Elodie because I thought I couldn't cope. Turns out I can and I could lol. If you want your old life back so you can still do fun things with your friends, sorry but they'll probably drift from you. The people I bothered with before I had Elodie I NEVER see. They'd drift from you anyway because as you get older and people go to different universities/colleges/jobs/get boyfriends everyone does drift. Sorry if that didn't make sense lol x

I guess a big issue for me is that I did have plans for my life and did feel like I was going somewhere, and now throwing a baby into it definitely messes it up. I'm not saying that I think I can't achieve things with a baby. It just changes my plans and the route I would have to take to achieve the things I want. I just fear I will not achieve the same things with a baby.
I have excellent grades in school and have applied to a few very prestigious schools. I really want to go to one of them. In some realm, it might be possible for me to go there with a baby, but it would be more struggle than I want. I'd have to move far away from everyone here and then I'd be raising her all alone with no physical support. I know this might seem stupid to some people and like a particular university doesn't compare to your own child, but I'm not ready to give up on it and be okay with staying here and going to a local school. I worked hard for years because I knew where I wanted to go. There are also other things I wanted to do when I was young that won't really be so practical because I'd have to put the baby first and have stability and a good job and all that. 

So, it's not that I just want to party and have fun and hang out with friends. I'm not really very into all of that anyway. Sure, I would like to go back to having a more carefree life. 

FOB told me if I get into one of the schools I really want to go to, I shouldn't turn it down just to stay here and that it doesn't mean I have to decide not to be a mother. But I feel bad calling myself her mother but leaving and letting him raise her for years while I'm away doing what I want. I guess I just see everything in black and white like I have to choose 1 thing or another and there is no inbetween.


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## Midnight_Fairy

Sometimes its easy to think what if but at a point in life stuff happens we may not like,just seems this happened earlier for you. I agree not making rash decisions yet. Its a hard time for you all. Hugs xx


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## SurpriseBub

I think FOB is right! Going away to college doesn't mean you have to give her up forever. I think nobody can fault you for wanting an education and a career... there are so many what ifs for you at the moment... Wait until you get college offers and for the baby to be born. Hopefully then the right solution will come I to focus :flower:


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## mara16jade

An education and career is VERY important, and I'm sure that if you and FOB brainstorm together, you could come up with a way to get what you want. In 4-5 years from now, you'll be in a very different part of your life, and I think everyone worries that after you've achieved your education and begin your career - you may regret not being your baby's mom. But you'll figure all that out after the baby is born. You have time. :hugs:

So have you gone shopping with fob for baby stuff? If so, how did it go?


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## 40isnotold

As far as the name thing goes, I'm 22 weeks and I have given my twins first names but I haven't actually used them. I still call them "the babies" in general or "the girl" or "the boy" if I'm referring to one of them kicking me.

As far as preparing and not wanting to buy things, one thing to take into consideration is how involved your parents might be in your baby's life if you decide you don't want to be a large part of her life, especially if you go away to college. If they will still be a part of her life, your parents may want the basic supplies anyways so that she can visit them. Also, keep in mind that regardless of how involved they would be or how much or little you think you may want her in your life, you can always buy inexpensive things and sell them used if they are not needed or you can buy used items and resell them if they are not needed. I am having twins on my own and have bought several things (from swings, to highchairs, to clothes and even toys, etc.) used in great condition. I bought cribs that were on sale from Walmart. My babies will not have extravagant things. Like a few others said, some basics like diapers and a couple outfits/blankets is all you may need in advance - everything else can be purchased once she is here if she stays with you and the few things already purchased can be given to her father if she doesn't.

Please try not to stress about things. Your baby can pick up on that. Things always have a way of working out. You are actually in a good position to be in considering the father wants to be involved, as well as your parents.


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## redneckhippy

My aunt got pregnant when she was 16 and had her son at 17. Like you, she was a smart girl with good grades and college prospects. Not only did she go to college, she went on to law school. Her parents helped her out with caring for the baby a lot in the early days, but eventually when she was able, she took over more of the care and ultimately went on to get married and have 2 more sons, all of whom have grown up to be great men. She did have to make difficult choices, but she realized that it was the best thing for her son for her not to give up on her education. It certainly is easier to accomplish those things without a baby, but not impossible.

I'm 30 and about to have a baby but I will be returning to school to become a Physician Assistant when the baby is 6 months old. If your not familiar with the program, it's super intense and it's going to be really hard to do it with a baby, but it's important to me, so I will make it work.


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## heatherr

It's not really a matter of me going to school or not. I know I will go to college. It will be harder with a baby, but it's not something I will give up. I can easily live at home, have the help of fob and my family, and go to a local state college. But my grades, amongst other things, could possible get me into an Ivy League college, or at least a pretty selective small private school, which is where I would rather go. The main issue is that not only would it be harder academically and require more effort, but it would require me to move away from home. I think it might be too much on me to move far away and have a baby to care for all on my own. Plus, most of the schools have requirements regarding living on campus and once they would find out I had a baby, that wouldn't really fly. I have not mentioned anything about my pregnancy during the application process to any of these schools, of course. 

Now that I've typed that out, I feel like it sounds so stupid. As if I should really care what school I go to at this point. For a while I convinced myself it wouldn't be a big deal and I'd just go to a college close to home and be a parent, etc. But more and more I'm feeling like I'll have a lot of resentment if I do that. I don't want to resent my child and obviously none of it is her fault. I guess I'd just be mad at myself.


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## heatherr

mara16jade said:


> So have you gone shopping with fob for baby stuff? If so, how did it go?

Sorry, just saw this bit. We're going to knock the bigger items out of the way first. The only things we've got from the store are a crib and stroller/car seat combo. For now, these will both be for fob's house. If I have her with me some of the time, we'll just share the stroller for now and buy a separate car seat for my car. I haven't really been into going to the store and buying stuff. Sometimes I do go online and look for stuff and send links to fob, just for little things like bottles and blankets and stuff. He's bought some of the stuff I've sent him. He has a list of essentials that his mom gave him so I've sort of been looking at items on there and sending him links to things I like.

I don't think we'll have to worry too much about clothes for the first few months. His mom has already bought a bunch of that stuff. Whenever she sees stuff on good sales she'll buy it, just like onesies and socks and things like that.

And I know someone mentioned my parents being involved with her. They do want to see her and help care for her. My mom said she will be buying stuff for her whether I like it or not. I have sort of made her not buy anything and she just told me that she's going to buy stuff at this point and I can get over it later. She thinks I will change my mind once the baby's here.


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## Feff

Couldn't you go to a local college for now and in the future maybe do your masters in a prestigious school? Nothing is wrong with going to a local college as long as you still fulfil your want of getting an education. I really wanted (and still do) to be a midwife or a children's nurse. But I chose to have sex, conceived Elodie and now my plans are on hold. I'm working my way up from the bottom (literally) as an auxiliary nurse at my hospital, because the degrees at uni were 37.5 hours a week which I couldn't do. I wouldn't throw away the chance of being a parent so you can go to a high end school, the school will always be there but your daughter will only be young once! (In no way do I mean any of this nasty, I'm just helping you see it from a different angle) x


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## redneckhippy

Most schools, even Ivy Leage and private schools, have family housing and day care. If you have the financial means, I would go to visit your top choices and find out about those options. I went to an elite private school and in my freshman dorm there was a lady who lived there with her 4 year old son and another family with an infant who lived there. I also did ROTC (Army scholarship) and in my ROTC group there was one guy who was married with 2 kids, one guy who got his girlfriend pregnant and had a kid during the program, and a girl who got pregnant during the program. All continued on with the program and graduated. Most of the private school in general do tend to be geared more towards traditional students (since most non-traditional adult students go to local state schools), but I also met plenty of non-traditional students at my private college. 

It may or may not be the right solution for you, but it is an option.


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## Feronia

Just to echo what some others have said, most larger universities have excellent family housing options. Another option is to go to a community college nearby for 2 years and then transfer to a 4-year university afterwards. Your child would be older and easier to care for then as well. :D I went to a 2-year community college and then transferred to a top university and then went to an excellent graduate school after that. The first 2 years are just general ed and it's honestly nice not to spend a huge tuition on that, especially when you can do it locally! The professors were great and class sizes were small, so it was by no means a worse education.

DH and I also got married at 18 and thus we didn't have to claim our parents' income when applying for FAFSA. As a result, we both got large scholarships for university.

Obviously these are all just options -- no pressure whatsoever! My point is that when you think you might not have options in a certain situation, you do! So decide based on your feelings for being a mom and how much you want to be involved -- which may or may not change after the birth. I think what you're feeling right now is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of.


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## heatherr

I've been punished for being so selfish lately. Today I wiped and saw blood two different times. The doctor asked if I'd had sex, and of course I haven't. I had to go in and get checked out. They don't know what caused it exactly, but they are not concerned. They ran a test for a UTI and that was clear. My cervix is completely closed. Baby is head down now and 5 days ago was not. The doctor said if the baby moved very quickly that can even cause it if I have a sensitive cervix. But it hurt so bad when she checked inside, worse than ever before. Then later I bled more when I got home, but she warned me that might happen after she checked me. There is no blood anymore. She has written me a note to stay home from school tomorrow to take it easy. I know I should probably go into school, but I think I might stay home just to be on the safe side.

I know I care about the baby because I was worried today, and not for myself. For once I felt like I completely stopped worrying about myself in this situation.


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## Feronia

That must be worrying! My best guess would be a sensitive cervix as well if you're not dilated and nothing showed up on your 20-week scan. When I had some bleeding the second time, my midwife could tell that a blood vessel on my cervix had broken. I also got more bleeding after she checked.

Take it easy tomorrow! :hugs:


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## Mannie89

heatherr said:


> I've been punished for being so selfish lately. Today I wiped and saw blood two different times. The doctor asked if I'd had sex, and of course I haven't. I had to go in and get checked out. They don't know what caused it exactly, but they are not concerned. They ran a test for a UTI and that was clear. My cervix is completely closed. Baby is head down now and 5 days ago was not. The doctor said if the baby moved very quickly that can even cause it if I have a sensitive cervix. But it hurt so bad when she checked inside, worse than ever before. Then later I bled more when I got home, but she warned me that might happen after she checked me. There is no blood anymore. She has written me a note to stay home from school tomorrow to take it easy. I know I should probably go into school, but I think I might stay home just to be on the safe side.
> 
> I know I care about the baby because I was worried today, and not for myself. For once I felt like I completely stopped worrying about myself in this situation.



Aw, Heather... That brought tears to my eyes. I can tell that you are truly an amazing person and no matter what happens at this point in time... you will be a great mother one day! :flower:


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## mara16jade

Hope you're doing OK. Lots of :hugs:


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## heatherr

Everything is ok today, but I am at home and will take it easy just to be on the safe side.

I did look up my number one school today. They don't really admit first year, non-traditional all students. They usually have around 30 spots for non-traditional students, which I will qualify as with a child. But you have to already have at least 48 undergrad credits and transfer in. So, that is an option I might be able to look into later.


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## Turtle0630

Heather, :hugs:! How scary! I'm glad to hear that everything is okay, I can't imagine how scary that must have been for you though. :( I hope you're able to relax this weekend and rest up! :flower:


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## BabyCleo

Gosh that's always scary :( Im glad you are okay!!

Please don't feel like you are selfish. You want your education, and that is not selfish at all. It will set you up to be a very good parent one day! 

May I ask when you are graduating? Im guessing you have some time between baby being born/going to college? You could always live off campus with baby (if you decided you wanted to keep her close) ... there is always a way around things. Trust me, at 17 I have no idea how I made it work. Honestly, when I left home I had zero idea what I was doing. When someone asked me how I managed it all I couldn't even answer. But somehow it worked. 

Sometimes its best to literally take one day at a time. I hope you get accepted into your first choice!! I remember how exciting it was when I was accepted. xox


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## heatherr

The baby is due April 10. I graduate at the end of May. 

One of my issues is that I don't want to move far away (the schools I like are all 8+ hours away) by myself with a baby. So even if I could find a school that offered family housing or would allow me to live off campus, I don't really want to be that far away with her on my own without my family & fob around. I know this is my choice and I guess if I wanted it badly enough I would move there and do it all on my own. 

If I go to a nearby school I will probably just live at home for now.

I guess another problem is that I feel the RIGHT thing to do is to stay at home, go to a school near by, save the money. I just can't accept it. It's not that I don't think it'll be a good education or anything. It's just hard to change your plans when you've had one vision in mind for a long time.


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## LittleLala

So glad to hear that your bleeding has stopped. That must have been terrifying. 

I don't really understand how American universities work so I can't really help with any input. Even though I'm not a teen (25- oh god, I still can't get used to saying that) I am currently halfway through my degree at uni. I am going to continue classes but take them online. Is that an option, to enrol as an online student? I know it isn't the same experience but in the end it gets you the degree.

Good luck with everything heather, I keep rooting for you. I know that in the end, whatever decisions you make will be the right ones for you.


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## mara16jade

Have you applied or been accepted to any schools yet?

When do you hear back from them?


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## OnErth&InHvn

Can you homeschool (online even?) the rest of the year?

In the US- K12 is an option. Its public school online but is an option!


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## MommaAlexis

Caught up!
Hey doll, I'm Alex. I was 19 when I got pregnant, the father was turning 24. It was a planned pregnancy. I felt fear and happiness all at once. Unfortunately, the bio dad kicked me out on the other side of the province and I had to scramble for a way home. I lived in a homeless shelter, I was two days from being evicted if I did not find a place in time. I never felt so unsure, I was literally terrified. I eventually found a place, but I can tell you it wasn't without moments of wondering how stupid I was. There were times where I cried for hours because my daughter would not stop crying and was so sick. I hated pregnancy. Furthermore I hated other kids lol.i STILL don't babysit. But then there are other moments. When my daughter took her first steps, it was like the fear and doubt and anger over the last two years just melted away. I cried haha, because I knew it was all worth it after all. Sometimes it takes 11 months of wondering what the hell you were thinking before it makes sense. And like someone else said, it's animalistic at times. My daughter screamed for hours every day sick, and it scared me. More than anything had. She gave me a reason to give a shit, and I don't see it as giving up my freedom anymore. It's just what I do, and the thought of someone hurting her makes me want to literally claw at someone's face. If it weren't for her, nothing else would be important. I am in my second year of university. I got a scholarship for having the highest female average. I live with my girlfriend. My daughter goes to ballet, and tells me I'm "just too cute" when I yawn. She's my best friend. And even though I know I spent hours doubting myself, it seems so far away now. 

As soon as that little girl starts acting like a real human, nothing will matter. As soon as she walks, or tells you what her favourite colour is, or tells you how pretty you are, everything else jist disappears.


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## MommaAlexis

Also, you should be aware that you are at high risk of postpartum depression, so how you feel may be caused by depression, which can be helped through therapy of some sort or medication once she is here.secondly not everything needs to be fifty fifty. Even if you have her on weekends and stay over at his a few times per week, or stay together for a week or two a month. Even having your parents take turns on a couple nights a month so you and fob can spend time getting to know each other for real. Maybe a play group through a young mom program? I took my daughter every friday morning with other teen moms! We learned tips etc, while the workers watched our babies in the next room. If you wanted to, you could add me on facebook to see what life is like for a previous teen mom, I also have an anxiety disorder which makes parenting interesting haha.


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## heatherr

LittleLala said:


> So glad to hear that your bleeding has stopped. That must have been terrifying.
> 
> I don't really understand how American universities work so I can't really help with any input. Even though I'm not a teen (25- oh god, I still can't get used to saying that) I am currently halfway through my degree at uni. I am going to continue classes but take them online. Is that an option, to enrol as an online student? I know it isn't the same experience but in the end it gets you the degree.
> 
> Good luck with everything heather, I keep rooting for you. I know that in the end, whatever decisions you make will be the right ones for you.

I am not very interested in taking online classes. I don't think they really work with my style of learning and I think I need the structure of actual class times, but it is always an option. I would rather go to regular face to face classes at a school close to home though.


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## heatherr

mara16jade said:


> Have you applied or been accepted to any schools yet?
> 
> When do you hear back from them?

I have applied to several schools. I applied to my top choices as well schools closer to home that I have think will be easier to get into. There is no guarantee that I will even get into the schools that I really want to go with. The deadlines just passed though, so I won't hear anything for a while.


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## heatherr

OnErth&InHvn said:


> Can you homeschool (online even?) the rest of the year?
> 
> In the US- K12 is an option. Its public school online but is an option!

I'm not very worried about finishing the last few months if high school at my regular school. I think I might feel different if I had an entire year of it left to go. But all of my teachers are aware of my situation and we have planned out how we will handle things once I have the baby. Luckily I am a really good student and they are all very happy that I am sticking with my academics and trying to make sure I stay on the same track. 

Sorry, I had to respond in so many posts. My phone isn't letting me multi-year in one post. MommaAlexis, your posts made me tear up. Thank you for being very honest about things and how you have felt in the past. I feel like I can imagine what you mean when you talk about how seeing her walk and talk take away all of the other feelings and doubts. I always feel so torn about everything, like part of me cares so much and wants to experience those great things with her and the other part of me is just so selfish. But then I read you posts and start wondering how I could ever just give her up completely. Ahhh, feeling so emotional right now.


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## OnErth&InHvn

Sorry im confused: Are you keeping her? Did you tell the dad? ( i missed those updates)

As for my own story:
At 19 I got pregnant and i wasnt married. It wasnt planned. The guy was a doodle and abusive. I had actually dated him in high school and he was sweet back then. I thought i was doing what was right and i was going to "make him be a dad"- BIGGEST MISTAKE. He denied our son and i made him get a DNA test, which started a domino effect of unfortunate events. He got custody of our son but doesnt even take care of our son and one thing after another. 

Im not telling you to give you a bad story. Im telling you because i dont have many regrets in life, seriously i dont, but this one is. I love my son, i dont regret that at ALL! I regret getting his dad DNA testing and "making him be a dad". I wish hed just up and leave and give me my son!


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## heatherr

OnErth&InHvn said:


> Sorry im confused: Are you keeping her? Did you tell the dad? ( i missed those updates)
> 
> As for my own story:
> At 19 I got pregnant and i wasnt married. It wasnt planned. The guy was a doodle and abusive. I had actually dated him in high school and he was sweet back then. I thought i was doing what was right and i was going to "make him be a dad"- BIGGEST MISTAKE. He denied our son and i made him get a DNA test, which started a domino effect of unfortunate events. He got custody of our son but doesnt even take care of our son and one thing after another.
> 
> Im not telling you to give you a bad story. Im telling you because i dont have many regrets in life, seriously i dont, but this one is. I love my son, i dont regret that at ALL! I regret getting his dad DNA testing and "making him be a dad". I wish hed just up and leave and give me my son!

Sorry, I know this thread is really long and it is hard to know what's going on. Maybe I need to put an update in the original post.

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm doing for sure, which is one of my main issues. 

I have told the father. I was strongly leaning toward adoption, but had not actually set anything into motion yet. Then he decided that he wanted to keep her, even if I didn't. He is being very flexible with me about how indecisive I am. Well, sometimes he gets frustrated with my back and forth, but overall he is understanding. So, basically I just don't know how involved I am going to be. I do care about her, but at the same time I don't know if I want to be a parent right now. I don't feel it is right to be a part time patent and go off and do my own thing, let fob care for her all the time, and still call myself her mom.


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## OnErth&InHvn

heatherr said:


> OnErth&InHvn said:
> 
> 
> Sorry im confused: Are you keeping her? Did you tell the dad? ( i missed those updates)
> 
> As for my own story:
> At 19 I got pregnant and i wasnt married. It wasnt planned. The guy was a doodle and abusive. I had actually dated him in high school and he was sweet back then. I thought i was doing what was right and i was going to "make him be a dad"- BIGGEST MISTAKE. He denied our son and i made him get a DNA test, which started a domino effect of unfortunate events. He got custody of our son but doesnt even take care of our son and one thing after another.
> 
> Im not telling you to give you a bad story. Im telling you because i dont have many regrets in life, seriously i dont, but this one is. I love my son, i dont regret that at ALL! I regret getting his dad DNA testing and "making him be a dad". I wish hed just up and leave and give me my son!
> 
> Sorry, I know this thread is really long and it is hard to know what's going on. Maybe I need to put an update in the original post.
> 
> Anyway, I don't really know what I'm doing for sure, which is one of my main issues.
> 
> I have told the father. I was strongly leaning toward adoption, but had not actually set anything into motion yet. Then he decided that he wanted to keep her, even if I didn't. He is being very flexible with me about how indecisive I am. Well, sometimes he gets frustrated with my back and forth, but overall he is understanding. So, basically I just don't know how involved I am going to be. I do care about her, but at the same time I don't know if I want to be a parent right now. I don't feel it is right to be a part time patent and go off and do my own thing, let fob care for her all the time, and still call myself her mom.Click to expand...

IF he is willing, then let him and go to court for visitation at least ( DONT GIVE UP ANY RIGHTS OR ANYTHING), that way it can be changed later when you are in a better place. If you completely give up custody it can be near impossible to get it back but if you have visitations or even a shared parenting, then it can easier to flip back later. I highly recommend shared parenting. You can even do " ill have her during the summer and well share major decisions" it doesnt have to be like mine with only every other weekend. Shared can open up a lot of give and take that you may feel right now " i cant do that" but later you will be so thankful you set it up that way.


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## BabyCleo

I just thought of this: what if you took a year off before heading to college? I actually applied, got accepted then ran out of money cause I wasn't living at home. I couldn't get any assistance (I tried) so I spoke to my university and I was able to put my classes etc on hold and go back when I was ready. Those years in between did wonders. Even though I did graduate later, my life was much more set up. You going to university with a 1 or 2 year old may be easier, and by then all your plans would be in place. 

Just something to think about! I didn't know I had that option available to me, but in the Canadian universities its pretty common I think.


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## OnErth&InHvn

BabyCleo said:


> I just thought of this: what if you took a year off before heading to college? I actually applied, got accepted then ran out of money cause I wasn't living at home. I couldn't get any assistance (I tried) so I spoke to my university and I was able to put my classes etc on hold and go back when I was ready. Those years in between did wonders. Even though I did graduate later, my life was much more set up. You going to university with a 1 or 2 year old may be easier, and by then all your plans would be in place.
> 
> Just something to think about! I didn't know I had that option available to me, but in the Canadian universities its pretty common I think.

I took years off and then went WITH 3 kids. :)


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## MommaAlexis

I went and did my first semester online when I was still on maternity leave! then went to actual class when she was a year old so I didnt fall too behind. Ill be done law school by the time she is seven, and have the rest of our life comfortable and with free time :)


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## heatherr

BabyCleo said:


> I just thought of this: what if you took a year off before heading to college? I actually applied, got accepted then ran out of money cause I wasn't living at home. I couldn't get any assistance (I tried) so I spoke to my university and I was able to put my classes etc on hold and go back when I was ready. Those years in between did wonders. Even though I did graduate later, my life was much more set up. You going to university with a 1 or 2 year old may be easier, and by then all your plans would be in place.
> 
> Just something to think about! I didn't know I had that option available to me, but in the Canadian universities its pretty common I think.

I don't know if I'd have the same sort of motivation that I do now. I don't know, never really thought of taking a year off as an option, but I guess it is. 


I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's crazy. I can't believe only 10 more weeks until the baby is here, maybe even less of course. It scares me so much. I have also been feeling very depressed lately and anxiety is through the roof right now. It's not even just over the fact that the baby will be here so soon. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just feel really bad lately. I just feel really lonely too. Things are not the same between me and my friends. It's not that they are mean to me. We're still friends. I guess I just feel so different now.


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## OnErth&InHvn

heatherr said:


> BabyCleo said:
> 
> 
> I just thought of this: what if you took a year off before heading to college? I actually applied, got accepted then ran out of money cause I wasn't living at home. I couldn't get any assistance (I tried) so I spoke to my university and I was able to put my classes etc on hold and go back when I was ready. Those years in between did wonders. Even though I did graduate later, my life was much more set up. You going to university with a 1 or 2 year old may be easier, and by then all your plans would be in place.
> 
> Just something to think about! I didn't know I had that option available to me, but in the Canadian universities its pretty common I think.
> 
> I don't know if I'd have the same sort of motivation that I do now. I don't know, never really thought of taking a year off as an option, but I guess it is.
> 
> 
> I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's crazy. I can't believe only 10 more weeks until the baby is here, maybe even less of course. It scares me so much. I have also been feeling very depressed lately and anxiety is through the roof right now. It's not even just over the fact that the baby will be here so soon. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just feel really bad lately. I just feel really lonely too. Things are not the same between me and my friends. It's not that they are mean to me. We're still friends. I guess I just feel so different now.Click to expand...

Your friends WILL change and thats OK. Really it is! 

Find a local MOPS group- you can even go while pregnant! Its for moms of children birth to 1st grade. Its a monthly meeting but theres play dates and outtings. Etc. You can meet a lot of NON judgemental people. Theres a Teens MOPS and a normal one. Some have Am and even PM groups. 

https://www.mops.org/groupsearch/


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## heatherr

^ Thanks. I checked and all of the meetings near me are on week days at like 9-10 am, so doesn't work for me right now. But I can look for other groups.


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## skyesmom

heatherr, friendships in life change whether you are pregnant or not, and both harsh delusion and great surprises will be there on the road. a situation like pregnancy or whatever makes you do sth different from what most of your friends do is a change factor. 

it sucks to lose people that you care for, but it also kind of makes a natural selection of those who are really worth investing in and those who are not.

and it sucks to feel lonely in hard times but you won't be pregnant forever nor in the high school forever (and your friends either) and even though it all seems neverending and overwhelming and like it's gonna be like that forever (in terms of how it feels), it is not. this phase will end.

same with anxiety and depression. I have depression too, i don't want to say i suffer from it because i don't, anymore. it took about 18 months to get a grip on it, and a therapy (no medication)... but i tell you, when it is there and it cuts you off everything and your anxiety can't be tamed with whatever usual thing you do to calm yourself down... let it be. it will go away, it will end. 
sometimes these phases come with a good reason, sometimes they are just there, without you experiencing anything particularly different than you did a day before when you felt fine. 
it is hard because it isolates you from everything, even from your own self and the anxiety has a nasty loop of "i'm anxious that i might get anxious", plus your hormones are blowing it all up for sure. (and don't underestimate this factor in whatever you are feeling, they're the strongest drugs on earth and not a lame excuse for whatever weird thing happens!)

but it will change i promise. and no women knows how she'll do to push the baby out of her vayaya, especially not the first time. you deal with it in the delivery room. so when all this comes to overwhelm you, remember that when the times come, you'll pull out something that you don't even know you have and deal with it. you've already come this far and did a great job.


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## heatherr

Yeah, I know friendships change regardless. I don't think that is what is causing me to be depressed. It just makes me feel worse because I feel so lonely. I still hang out with my friends sometimes, but they don't understand what I'm going through. So it's like even when I'm around them I feel isolated and lonely. I just don't have people in real life that understand. My parents are supportive of me, but I have a hard time talking to them about it because it just feels weird. And obviously they are my parents so they have certain feelings and opinions about the situation.

I texted fob and asked if I could go over to his place tonight so I can at least be around someone I won't feel so awkward talking about things with. I just said, "I guess so." So I regretted even asking him and told him nevermind I won't come over. But he said I should come over and he can show me the stuff he's got for the baby and all the stuff his mom has been hoarding and gave to him. He told me what he has, which is a lot of stuff I found online and he bought, but I haven't seen a lot of it. But then he said we don't have to talk about the baby at all if I don't want to right now, and he didn't seem upset about it. So, we'll see.


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## wookie130

Awww, I think you should go over there, even if it is to look at a bunch of baby items. It may curtail the loneliness, and maybe you can even enjoy a few good laughs for a while! :hugs:


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## skyesmom

i agree with wookie! if i were you i'd go. there is one person that shares this situation with you and it's him (as much as he can as he is not pregnant and can't be, but it is your common baby in there). 

i know "i guess so" can sound uninviting when you're already feeling low and looking through the dark glasses at the world and the people around you (maybe even without noticing it consciously), but give it a try.

baby stuff or not, if you don't feel awkward next to him (and it is definitely not awkward for him either from what he writes!), give yourself a treat. you don't need to bear this all alone and sharing a part of it with FOB is a treat to both of you.


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## MummyMana

Hey, I just wanted to sympathise with you a bit :) this is and odd one, but I know what it feels like to not have anyone who knows what it feels like to be in a certain situation (I hope that made sense)

Friends will try and sympathise and tell you they know what it's like, but you know that they don't know what it's like at all, and although they only have your best interests at heart and are trying g to make you feel a little more normal, it just feels like a little bit of a kick in the teeth, right? 

I actually met someone on this forum who is going through similar to me and has helped me out loads :) sometimes just talking to someone who understands can make the world of difference.


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## heatherr

Ahhhh!!! I just wrote out a big long reply and then it logged me out because I took too long. I kept having to re-write it because it was such a jumbled mess of stuff. 

But MummyMana, that all makes sense to me lol. It's like even if you are around friends and they are trying to be supportive, you can still end up feeling lonely because they don't actually know what you are going through. They are just saying the nice things friends are supposed to say, but it's not the same as having someone who has gone through it and can offer real advice or be honest with you about it. 

I know this is crazy, but I feel so great about everything right now. I'm sure I will feel different again tomorrow because that's what it always seems to be like for me. I don't know how I can go from feeling terrible this morning to the way I feel right now, but I'll take it. 

I did go over to FOB's tonight and spent about 4 hours over there. He didn't seem to mind in the end. We only talked about the baby and how I've been feeling for a little bit though, which was fine by me. It was nice to talk to someone who understands better than my friends do. He said he's been going through similar things with his friends and stuff, in his own way. Sometimes he wonders what he's doing and if he can really handle this, but he feels that once she's here none of this will matter at all. He thinks I need to focus less on practical things and plans and stuff and more on how I feel. 

But the truth is that since I was bleeding the other week I have felt differently about everything. I felt like I did several months ago when one day I just suddenly knew I wanted to be in my daughter's life and not as a part-time or long distance mom. But then somehow I started worrying and focusing on myself and all of these plans I had and the short term things that I wanted. But I don't know, somehow after what's happened the past week or so and after tonight I suddenly do not feel worried about anything for the first time since I found out I was pregnant. The craziest part is that tonight I'm feeling like I wish she was due in 1 week instead of 10. I want to see her and hold her and kiss her. It's like I was scared to admit it or something. I've been scared to admit to certain people I know that maybe I don't really want those "plans" I've had for years and maybe I'm just fine being a mom and going to a nearby school and that I'd be happy with that. It sort of hit me after I realized what makes me feel the weirdest about being around my friends is this pity they have for me. It's like "We're so sorry you ruined your life." I know they don't mean it in a bad way, but I find myself thinking, "But I'm not ruining my life!" I feel like maybe I've let a lot of people convince me that I am ruining my life or that I should want something else. I don't know, it's like whatever FOB said tonight just made something click for me or was just what I needed to hear and I wish I could describe it. And it has nothing to do with a relationship between us or any sort of potential relationship, because I'm not even thinking about or considering that right now. So, it's not as if my mind is clouded in that way. I just know this feeling will go away though, probably like it did months ago when I felt good for a few days.


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## Madjackrabbit

Hi Heather,
I read some of your story and just registered so I could cheer you on :) I can't pretend to know what you have gone/are going through but I do know what a surprise (shock) pregnancy feels like. I found out I was pregnant last November and although I am 28 and in a pretty solid relationship we do live on the other side of the world from all our friends and family and support. We had just moved provinces and didn't know anyone. To top it off, I am our main income earner so any time off affects our finances hugely. 

I didn't find out until I was 7 weeks along, and we spent at least 5-6 weeks trying to decide what to do until a series of somewhat unexpected and serendipitous events convinced us to give parenthood a crack.

Our little boy is 7 months old today. I took a whopping 8 weeks off work when he was born (at that point our financial situation drove me back to work) and his papa is a full-time Dad. It has been so busy and tough and rewarding and lovely all in one go. I didn't think I'd be able to but I'm even still breastfeeding (and expressing when I work). We don't know anyone who has the same situation as us and getting time to ourselves is hard with no family nearby but we're doing it and he's happy and healthy and a lot of fun. I admit I found the newborn stage very hard, especially with work looming, but please know that there is always a way to juggle it and it feels so rewarding.

Best of luck for the next few weeks of pregnancy, rest up and try not to worry - everything will work out just fine! Keep talking to people when you need to and don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. One day at a time :)


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## 40isnotold

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better emotionally. Us pregnant women really do go through some emotional ups and downs during our journeys. It's normal. 

As far as friends go, most of mine for the last 10 years have been women without kids, just like how I was. I had a couple of friends that got pregnant, but we didn't hang out as much because our interests were different. I didn't know how to relate to them. Now that I am pregnant, I am finding that I am rekindling those friendships and am not hanging out with some of my childless friends as much. You will make new friends with people who have children because your life will be different and that is ok. Friends do come and go in life. Even if you weren't pregnant, you would probably find that you lose touch with some of your high school friends anyways as you would make new friends in college. I am glad that the fob is someone you can talk to and that your parents and his parents are so active in this. I live 800 miles away from my family. While I always miss them, I miss them so much more now that I am pregnant. So, it's normal to feel alone sometimes. I certainly do and I'm on partial bed rest so I'm stuck inside except to go to doctor's appointments. 

I am glad that you are starting to get that mothering instinct. Sometimes, a scare is all it takes. I am 40 and choose to try to get pregnant after I turned 39. I have always loved children but was not ready to have them when I was married in my 20's. After I got divorced, the two men in the serious relationships I was in didn't want to have kids, so I decided to do it on my own. I am pregnant with twins. While I knew that it would be possible to get pregnant with twins since I was going to a fertility specialist and taking meds, I didn't think it would happen to me. I was scared, doubted myself and unhappy for the first 3-4 months. But, when I found out the genders at 16 weeks, I started getting excited. At 20 weeks, I was in the hospital because of a thin cervix and dilation. The emergency surgery to have a stitch put in was the scariest moment of my life because I knew it was possible to lose them. I realized how much I love them already and I've never laid eyes on them. I named them and I pray every day that they stay safe inside me until it is safe for them to be born. I was super happy that I made it to 24 weeks yesterday because they have a 50% chance of survival if they are born this week. I can't wait to meet them and hold them. Yes, it will be tough being a single mommy with family far away but I look forward to being their mommy and having them in my life. 

Just know that you are not alone in this. Even though they are all different, we all have stories to tell. This site has really helped me out. We are here for you to share in the happy moments and to help you through the sad ones.


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## mara16jade

Fear puts a lot of wild manifestations in our head, and once you try to let go of the fear (and sounds like you are!!), you can think more clearly. You're doing great, and you will be great. Keep talking with fob, sounds like it helps both of you. Don't be afraid to feel joy or excitement over your baby coming. So you're a little young. That doesn't strip you of your motherhood! You shouldn't feel like you need to be upset because you think other people expect you to, or be afraid to tell others you're plans have been altered a bit. :hugs:


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## heatherr

Thanks to everyone for your support. It doesn't matter if anyone has been in the exact same situation before. I think many of us on this site can relate to each other in many ways, even if the situations are identical. Of course, none of my friends has ever been pregnant, so they can't really begin to understand any of this. It's not their faults. I am glad they have not been in this situation. 

But I'm happy to report that I am still feeling positive about things today. I thought I'd wake up and be back to feeling bad about everything, but I still feel really good. I wish I could type more, but I'm on my phone at school now so I'll have to write more later.


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## wookie130

I'm glad you're feeling more happy and secure about everything. I'm telling you, it's a rollercoaster...pregnancy, of course, but also just life itself. Just when you think you have all of these well-laid plans, life of course has OTHER plans. I think it has happened to most of us, and for you, heatherr, it happened much earlier than expected. But, we can always adjust our thinking, and make the best and the most of the hand we're dealt in life, and I think you're definitely trying to do that. 

Hormones are just crazy, and I can tell you right now that they're a HUGE contributor to your ups and downs with this. Obviously, it's a complicated situation...but pregnancy hormones really take a toll on a woman's moods. 

Good luck. She'll be here before you know it! One foot in front of the other! :) :hugs:


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## Feff

Haven't got much time for a long reply but I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better about everything heather :) as hard as it is try not to worry too much about how you'll feel later on that day or tomorrow, just take each emotion as it comes and work through it. Big :hugs:


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## skyesmom

heatherr! so so glad that you're feeling better and that the talk and the evening with the FOB helped you out! 

i know you worry about this good phase being a temporary one. but if it leaves, trust me it can always come back and stay for longer. when i dealt with my depression, the first happy, quiet, good moments were just that - moments, milliseconds. i know rationally that i had them but i can't really recall them when i think of that whole year - i just remember the lows as they were 99.99 % of it. but then the good phases started lasting half a day, a day, two days and so on. and now it's the other way around for me. now i have moments of depression or sometimes days, but overall i am fine. and more than fine!

anyway, so glad you got a break from the darkness and got to feel some excitement and that those feelings are still with you! and you'll see, the time will fly by and she'll be there in a blink of an eye. 

and - it is so good that you and FOB can have this effect on each other and help each other in a situation like this. you don't have to be together but you can still be a family and imho, you two already ARE a family. :hugs:


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## ClairAye

I'm so glad you are feeling better about things! :hugs:


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## kbwebb

I just wanted to say, your amazing and I really think you and fob will do well in whatever you decide in the end. I had my daughter at 17 (19 now) and it was scary but I can't imagine life without her now. When everyone says about the rush of love after you give birth, I didn't feel that for three weeks, then one night I was feeding her and just thought, you know what I really love you.. So don't worry if you don't instantly feel it. I felt like such a bad mum because of it. Also I don't speak to any of my friends now, like pps have said everyone drifts at different points in their lives, and you're going through something huge that they don't understand but that's ok. Just take it a day at a time Xxx


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## Feronia

Glad to hear you're feeling better about everything! :)

I've had friends confess that they didn't love their babies for weeks or months after birth, and that's with planned pregnancies. It's nothing to be ashamed about -- pregnancy and after birth hormones are pretty intense, so expect anything!

I've also drifted away from almost all of my friends who don't have children and I'm 27. I think that no matter your age, it's a whole different world and you have different thoughts and experiences that can be really difficult to get around. I remember it being lonely for a while, but I did eventually make some friends with other moms.


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## mara16jade

Feronia said:


> I've also drifted away from almost all of my friends who don't have children and I'm 27. I think that no matter your age, it's a whole different world and you have different thoughts and experiences that can be really difficult to get around. I remember it being lonely for a while, but I did eventually make some friends with other moms.

This is so very true. My BFF of 13+ years has pulled wayyyy back and only visited me in the hospital, and never came to see me after! The next time she saw me was at Christmas (and my LO was born in July!). She is single and definitely living the single life. Guess my being married and now being a mom wasn't inline with her weekend plans. :shrug: Oh well! 

Don't worry. You WILL meet moms and I promise after all the awful hormones tame down, you won't feel so lonely. I remember crying for weeks after birth saying how lonely I was, and my DH would get so upset saying, "how could you be lonely, I'm right here?!". And it was true. I was just a mess with the hormones. :blush:

Hang in there :hugs:


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## heatherr

Thank you girls again for all your kind words. I am still feeling positive about things. I now find myself thinking about her and being a mom, but then I usually have this nagging thought, "But what if...." As in, wondering about all the things I'd be free to do without a baby. And now I am getting mad every time thoughts like that pop into my head. Before, I would just sit there and dwell on them for so long that it would drive me crazy. I think I just have to get over that "what if" thing and realize this is what my life is now. I love her and don't feel like I can just walk away. I also don't feel that it is an option to let her father raise her while I move hundreds of miles away to go to college somewhere fancy. I don't think I would enjoy myself because I'd feel too guilty. I wanted to have everything I wanted without having to make any tough decisions. I was talking to my dad and he told me truthfully there is no way around this situation without having to make some sort of tough decision and compromise. It's just facts....there is nothing I can do if I go off to college to just forget about the fact that I have a baby back home. ...and vice versa if I stay here...I will probably still wonder about what it would be like if I was going to one of those schools and having a normal college experience. In the end, I've decided I will be able to live with sacrificing school. I know I will get into the local state school that is within driving distance from my house.


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## heatherr

Oh, and today I am also wondering about something else. Last night and today I have experienced bad pains in my lower stonach, off and on
It is sort of like a cramp, tightening, and very painful...like I need to sit down if I am standing g when the pain comes on. I had already been having Braxton Hicks, but they were just tightening feeling, no pain like I have now. I didn't think this was anything to worry about until I looked it up like 10 minutes ago and it says Braxton Hicks shouldn't be painful. I am also feeling very nauseous since yesterday. I thought it was something I ate yesterday, but now I am a little worried about what could be going on.


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## Feronia

Heather, how many weeks are you again?
Braxton hicks do start to get more painful when you're closer to 37 weeks since oxytocin receptor sites start opening up and becoming active on your uterus, but if you're not near 37 weeks then start monitoring them. If they're increasing in intensity and regular, then definitely call your care provider!
You should also try drinking a lot of water and taking a warm bath or lying down. If it's nothing serious, that usually settles down an overactive uterus.

Edit: I just went back and checked, you're nearing 31 weeks right? Definitely monitor your pains then! They could be normal because braxton hicks do start to feel more painful when you're closer to term, but you don't want them increasing in strength or becoming regular.


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## heatherr

Yeah, I'm 31 weeks as of today I think.


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## Madjackrabbit

I would make an appointment to see your doctor just in case. I caught Norovirus in late pregnancy and at first thought it was just my morning sickness making a reappearance. By the time I realised it was much more, I was hospitalised with dehydration (not saying it's the same thing at all, but better to be conservative than worried).


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## missk1989

In regards to wondering what life would be like...I think that is totally normal. I still wonder now and I planned my baby at 23yrs old and he is now 2. It is totally natural.


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## wookie130

Well, Braxton Hicks aren't SUPPOSED to hurt, but for some women, they kind of do...so, that wouldn't surprise me if that's what is going on. I would call your doctor, and perhaps they can order you a nonstress test, which means that you get to sit in a comfy chair (at least the ones my my OB office were comfy...big leather recliners! LOL!), drink something cold and fizzy, and hit a button every time you feel movement from the baby. The test monitors fetal movement along with the baby's heartrate, and also, whether or not you're having contractions. I had to have weekly NST's done with both of my kids toward the end of pregnancy. I was having what I thought were BH contractions, except that they would sort of slam me hard, and I did feel pain. They would kind of grip me by surprise, and take my breath away at times...and there were times I felt a lot of pressure on my butt too. Well, the NST's revealed that I was having real contractions at times, just without any regularity that could be considered actual labor. I had both of my babies by planned c-section, so I was hoping and praying that real labor would not kick in before my surgery dates, and I was lucky enough that it did not...I was in early labor the morning of my son's birth, and didn't even realize it, however. So, I had him at the right time, really! 

So, long story short, you could be having some real contractions here and there. Or, you could just be having intense BH contractions...they CAN hurt. I would go get it checked out, and ask about having a NST done, and perhaps that will confirm what's going on. It would be helpful to know if they're real vs. BH, and then you'll kind of know what you need to be monitoring when it's show time (i.e. labor and delivery).


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## heatherr

Well, the pains turned out to be a really bad sign. Yesterday I came home from school and went straight to bed because I felt so bad. At about 8:30 pm I woke with a very intense pain in my lower abdomen and my back was on fire it hurt so bad. I still thought maybe it was nothing and tried to focus on something else, but then the pains kept coming...not getting worse, but just frequent. My parents rushed me to the ER at that point. My mom has a history of pre-term labor with both me and my sister. So, they examined me and said I was in pre-term labor, but only 1cm dilated. They said I was not in full on labor yet. They were able to stop the contractions and I am going to be on this medication called nifedipine that is supposed to help lessen the contractions. They gave me a shot of a steroid to speed up the baby's lung growth. I showed no signs of further contractions, so they sent me home on strict bed rest. They want to get me to 37 weeks, but the doctor said realistically we will be very lucky if we can get me that far, but it is not impossible. They basically made me feel like if I do anything I will cause myself to go back into labor. I don't know if they think I'm stupid or what. It was not my normal doctor of course.

But I am FREAKING OUT! I never even thought about this. I thought I'd at least have 8 more weeks. What if the baby comes and there's something wrong with her? How on earth am I supposed to not go to school for months???? I'm so scared.

I feel like I am being punished for all of the bad thoughts I've had...


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## Hermione394

heatherr said:


> Well, the pains turned out to be a really bad sign. Yesterday I came home from school and went straight to bed because I felt so bad. At about 8:30 pm I woke with a very intense pain in my lower abdomen and my back was on fire it hurt so bad. I still thought maybe it was nothing and tried to focus on something else, but then the pains kept coming...not getting worse, but just frequent. My parents rushed me to the ER at that point. My mom has a history of pre-term labor with both me and my sister. So, they examined me and said I was in pre-term labor, but only 1cm dilated. They said I was not in full on labor yet. They were able to stop the contractions and I am going to be on this medication called nifedipine that is supposed to help lessen the contractions. They gave me a shot of a steroid to speed up the baby's lung growth. I showed no signs of further contractions, so they sent me home on strict bed rest. They want to get me to 37 weeks, but the doctor said realistically we will be very lucky if we can get me that far, but it is not impossible. They basically made me feel like if I do anything I will cause myself to go back into labor. I don't know if they think I'm stupid or what. It was not my normal doctor of course.
> 
> But I am FREAKING OUT! I never even thought about this. I thought I'd at least have 8 more weeks. What if the baby comes and there's something wrong with her? How on earth am I supposed to not go to school for months???? I'm so scared.
> 
> I feel like I am being punished for all of the bad thoughts I've had...


If you have your parents contact your school, they might be able to arrange work to be sent home to you so you can stay on track even on bedrest.

Try to take deep breaths. You are being a good momma by taking care of yourself. You've got this heatherr!


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## Srrme

I've been following your thread, Heather, but I have not posted on it. I am so sorry you're having a rough time all of a sudden. I have had two premature babies (28.6 weeks and 35 weeks) so if you have any questions or want to talk, feel free to PM me. :hugs:


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## Feronia

I'm so glad you went in to check on the pains. Fingers crossed they can keep baby in there for longer, but if not, babies born at this gestation usually do very well. 

I'm sure your school can arrange for you to some at-home work given the circumstances! Take care of yourself -- you're a great mama.


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## mara16jade

Omg Heather! Yes, stay on bed rest and have your parents contact your school.

Your baby will be fine, 32 weeks is early, but not extremely early. The steroid shot will help, and every day you keep baking that bun will be a bonus. :hugs:

Drink LOTS of water and rest.


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## MummyMana

Hey Heather, I had the same as you! Ambulances to hospital at 30 weeks with contractions 2 minutes apart, was given nefedipine too, which did the trick! I went into labour again at 34 weeks which stopped on its own although I was 4cm dilated (which technically counts as active labour) and I had her at 36 weeks, so there is definitely hope that she will stay in there :) I wasn't even on bedrest (reading your post, in now wondering why they didn't put me on bedrest :/) 

Take it easy and try and stay calm :) even if baby does come sooner than expected, medical technology is great nowadays :) you've had the steroids which really help :) and at 31 weeks she's at a lot lower risk of the more serious complications associated with prematurity :) my friend has a 32 weeker who is two now and just like any other little boy :) I'm not saying it will be an easy or simple journey, but the prognosis is good :)


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## LittleLala

Oh heather that sounds so scary!! But please dont think that you're being punished-- you only had thoughts that every other person in your situation would have. We all know that you love your baby. 
Your parents will organise an arrangement with the school, surely they will be flexible for you during this time. 

Rest, rest, rest. Don't worry- everything is going to be okay. If your little one is born soon, she is past the "viability" stage in development and doctors will do everything they can to ensure that your baby is safe. 
Thinking of you x


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## heatherr

My mom is going to call my school on Monday. She says this is my last semester and I have perfect grades, so she is sure they will work with us. At least working on school work will give me something to do while I sit here. I will be checked next week and they said depending on how things look they may let me only do partial bed rest, but better safe than sorry right now. They said they will not release me to go back to regular activities like school.


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## Hermione394

heatherr said:


> My mom is going to call my school on Monday. She says this is my last semester and I have perfect grades, so she is sure they will work with us. At least working on school work will give me something to do while I sit here. I will be checked next week and they said depending on how things look they may let me only do partial bed rest, but better safe than sorry right now. They said they will not release me to go back to regular activities like school.

While it might be stressful, that might be the best for your health, hun. If they do say that next week, get a note for school to have it documented. That way, if anyone tries to fight you with bringing work home, you have documented doctor's orders which will help your case. 

But for now, just rest and drink water. Try not to stress too much, things always work out in the end. :hugs:


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## wookie130

Oh, how scary! Everything will be just fine. Just take it one day at a time, and take it easy. I pray baby girl can stay cookin' for another several weeks!


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## SurpriseBub

Big hugs, heather :hugs: ...that must have been incredibly scary. Every day is huge for your baby, so just focus on how far you have come and all the positive things by this point. As many people have said, 31 weeks is early, but the outlook if you have her today is very good... And constantly improving. 

Look after baby, and look after yourself, too. :hugs:


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## skyesmom

wow Heatherr!! so so sorry you had to go through that scare!

it is horrible to feel that fear and as hard as it may be, don't blame yourself for what happened, don't take it as a punishment for "bad" thoughts you had. being scared and panicked and thinking and feeling the way you did about your pregnancy, baby and becoming a parent is totally normal in a situation like yours.

just think how many kids are born to mothers who are drug addicts or chain smokers or alcoholics or in other way abusive of themselves and their children - the whole "punishment" logic really doesn't stand the ground. you're doing a great job here, you've been so responsible and careful with deciding the best thing for your daughter, both you and FOB.

no punishment here, just a little baby eager to meet her mommy sooner, just like you wanna meet her too! 

and she's really at a good gestational age, 32 weeks is sound even for twins who notoriously have lower birth weights to start with compared to singletons, so she's safe!

plus - both your sister and you are living proofs that it all went well for your mom back then when she had the same issue.

does the FOB know? maybe he could also come over here and there and keep some company to you two.


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## heatherr

Yeah, FOB knows. He came to the hospital last night. They had me there for 12 hours to monitor me. The panic definitely set in for him. He looked at me and was like, "I'm not ready for this!" I'm like no, I'm counting on you to be the one who is! But he stayed there all night until they released me. He said he'll come visit me. His mom is so sweet and called me this evening just to let me know she was thinking of me and she asked about my favorite magazines and snacks and stuff so she can put a little care package of stuff together for me while I'm sitting here doing nothing. She had me crying by the end of the call (happy tears, not sad). I made several huge mistakes that got me here, but at least I picked a good family for my baby to have.


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## LeahLou

I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks, they also put me on strict bed rest. I went into labor twice more even with the bare minimum so they kept me in the hospital till 34 weeks and I had Emmy a week later! Listen to the doctor and your body!! You got this. It'll give you some quiet time! I tried knitting and making a quilt and lots of books :)


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## LeahLou

Soooo glad you have supportive family!!!


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## Madjackrabbit

Sounds like your wee girl has amazing parents and grandparents; she's going to do just fine :) Rest up and take care of yourself - pretty sure you don't get punished for having freak-out-oh-crap-what-am-I-going-to-do-I'm-not-ready-for-a-baby thoughts or my little dude would probably have 2 heads!


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## skyesmom

awwww Heatherr that's so so sweet to hear, both the FOB and his family sound so supportive! and yes i agree, your little girl has two amazing parents and four amazing grandparents to take care of her!

and i agree with pps, books are a good company, maybe also meditation or something like that with relaxing music to it to cut the time... and friends and FOB that come to visit (and his parents as well if it feels ok for everybody)... anybody who can make you feel better, less lonely and spend some waiting time with you. plus, all your school stuff will still be there.


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## wookie130

You know, I'd tell you to read and get some good Netflix cued up, but...I think I'll just tell you to sleep. Sleep and sleep and sleep, because that's the one things new moms (and dads) want the most, and usually get the least amount! Sleep, and just rot in bed, seriously. I know that sounds boring, but to me, a mother of two under two, it sounds like ecstasy! LOL! 

Paternal grandma sounds like a sweetheart, and your own folks sound great! Sounds like you've found a wonderful family for your baby...your own! <3


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## heatherr

I wish I could just sleep. I'm too uncomfortable to sleep long. My legs bother me all the time...just feel restless. I'm already bored. My family doesn't have Netflix, so fob gave me his account details so I can use his. I'm going to binge watch a bunch of shows until I get tired of that.


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## Hermione394

heatherr said:


> I wish I could just sleep. I'm too uncomfortable to sleep long. My legs bother me all the time...just feel restless. I'm already bored. My family doesn't have Netflix, so fob gave me his account details so I can use his. I'm going to binge watch a bunch of shows until I get tired of that.

Are there any hobbies you've ever wanted to try that don't require a lot of moving? Knitting, crocheting, sewing? This might be a good opportunity to give them a try and it'll keep your brain active. 

It's also a good time to catch up on any books you've wanted to read. Maybe do some writing.


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## MummyMana

Get a Nintendo ds and a few pokemon games :D


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## Turtle0630

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Heather, how scary! I'm so glad you have such a wonderful support system around you. Take care of you and your little girl, everything will be okay! :hugs:


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## BabyCleo

Binge watch orange is the new black. soooo good lol. 

Try not to worry, 32 weeks is early, but it could be worse. My hubbys nephew was born at 27 weeks and is now fine :) 

I crochet, you should try it!!


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## wookie130

Yeah, I never slept when I was pregnant, either. I was way huge, way uncomfortable, and had hideous insomnia that kicked in around 1 a.m. every night.

Bad advice!!! LOL! :rofl:


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## dairymomma

heather-I've been reading your thread off and on for a while now and I just wanted to say that you are handling an immense amount of stress very gracefully and very grown-up. Friends who matter will stick around. After college graduation, I moved out of state to be with my husband (we had gotten married 2 months prior but were long distance because I was still in school) and lost contact with alot of my friends as a result. BUT the ones who mattered the most to me, I still contact on FB every once in a while and we meet up when I'm home visiting my parents. It's like the time between visits (sometimes it's been years) hasn't passed at all even though our lives have taken very different paths. We just chatter on like we saw each other yesterday. Good friends are like that-it doesn't matter where life takes you, you'll still be able to relate to each other no matter what. And it sounds like you have an amazing support system in place right now to help you through this scary time. And just because you had some issues now doesn't mean you'll def go early. I have a friend who had her labor stopped 5 times (!!) between 30 and 37 weeks and her baby stayed put until 38 weeks in the end. Take it easy and just hang out. I know it's boring to be on bedrest and you'll probably exhaust the number of things that will keep you occupied by the end of the day but you are doing the best you can to keep baby girl in there each day and that's what counts. Find some good movies or tv shows you can binge watch, stock up on books you've always wanted to read, do something crafty (I see others have suggested quilting or crocheting. I knit personally and used some partial bed rest time I had with my last pg to start a Christmas stocking project), build a puzzle, do crosswords or word searches, play cards, etc. If nothing else, ask your mom if there's something you can do for her-like folding laundry or (the most boring job in the world) sorting socks. Keeping busy as best you can will help the time pass by quicker. Do you have access to a laptop or a tablet? I played alot of computer games too. (I'm partial to hidden object games and have a serious collection of them that DH doesn't know about. :haha: 

Oh and if you have access to a computer with internet, you can watch plenty of free shows on sites like Hulu or Youtube. I'm in the middle of a 'Say Yes To the Dress' marathon on Youtube at the moment.


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## skyesmom

..or maybe drawing or painting or collage or something along those crafty artsy lines too :)


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## MommaAlexis

maybe watch some parenting movies to get you excited and help you see how no one knows what the hell they are doing. Theres this one HILARIOUS one with jennifer lopez - ummm The Back Up Plan. I loved watching it while pregnant cause it totally captured eveything about non typical pregnancy plans lol. I recommend it!


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## heatherr

So far I actually have been sleeping a lot actually. I guess not doing anything all day actually makes me more tired than doing stuff...

My mom called my school. They actually have a policy in place for homebound students, but I don't like it. They send a teacher to my house to help me. I think I can do the work all by myself. It is only about 8 hours a week they'd come to my house though. Until that is in place, my teachers are going to get at least this week's worth of work together for me and my mom is going to pick it up from my school tomorrow. I told her to see if they can not send someone over here. I just feel weird having someone from school come into my bedroom to teach me haha.


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## mara16jade

Oh that would be a little weird to have someone come into your bedroom to teach you. lol Well, at least if they have to, its only for 8 hours a week.

Have you thought of maybe working on a blanket? I'm not SUPER artsy fartsy, but those no-sew fleece blankets are easy and fun to make. They're just time consuming if you make a big one...and you've got the time. :) :hugs:

Here's an example if you don't know what I'm talking about:
https://www.joann.com/no-sew-fleece-blanket-pillow/P401713.html

Apparently it should have only taken 2 hours. LOL I must have either 1) done it the long way ;) or 2) did something wrong/harder but it still turned out the same. haha

Hope you're feeling ok, and finding stuff to do to keep you occupied.


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## skyesmom

or if studying and sleeping end up boring you out, you could maybe craft her a baby book :)


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## BabyCleo

I had to laugh about a teacher coming in and teaching you lol. I feel like that would be awkward for the both of you lol. Couldn't you just ... have a teacher you could call and check in with every few days instead? So if you had any questions on the work they could answer them? Id be so weirded out lol having someone come over. Im glad they are able to work with you either way!! 

And having nothing to do totally tires you out more. When I was 8 weeks I had a severe morning sickness - hyperemesis gravidum- and I was in bed all the time before and after I was admitted to hospital. I seriously slept all the time.


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## wookie130

I'm surprised they don't have a way for you to complete your coursework online...I'm a teacher, and this sort of surprises me that you don't have this option available. It would give you something to do while you're on bedrest.

I'm glad you can sleep! You'll be so grateful for it when your little miss finally arrives! My daughter was a good night sleeper, and took marathon naps during the day...she was sleeping through the night by 7 weeks of age. Now, my son, who is a few days shy of 6 months...ugh. I'm still up twice during the night feeding and cuddling him back to sleep. He's not the world's greatest sleeper. I'm finally realizing that I'm just never going to get to sleep they way I could prior to having my kids. LOL! It's okay. Somehow, someway, it's doable. :) So, I'm glad you're able to get some rest now.


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## heatherr

Well, I go to a small private schools, so I guess that's why they don't really have an online option. It is pretty strict here as far as "alternative" students. Unless you have a certified medical excuse and meet other guidelines, you are expected to be in class. 
A lot of assignments are done online anyway though because everyone in the school has ipads that we use for all classes. I can take a picture of my worksheets and stuff and send them to my teacher to turn my assignments in if I want. So, since I can communicate with them online I don't really feel that I need someone to come over here. I am pretty good at just reading the textbooks and doing the homework by myself. We'll see what happens when my mom goes in there today to talk to them. 

I still don't know if the baby is going to live with me at all after she's born, so I don't know how much sleep I'm going to need. But it doesn't hurt to stock up on it now. I watched so much stuff on Netflix yesterday. I bought a baby book a while ago, but only filled out a few pages, so I can work on that some more. There's only so much you can do before she's born as far as a baby book goes though. I'm going to find some other projects to work on. I've also made a big long list of books and am going to make my sister get them from the library for me. Yesterday I was even happy to fold a ton of laundry because I just needed something to occupy my time. I feel bad sleeping all day long.


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## MummyMana

I wish I could ship my laundry over to you haha xD


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## smoore

I'm not surprised by the homebound teacher at all. That is a very typical situation in this area. Our school is super technology based, and they still send a homebound teacher if a student can't be in school long term for some reason. 

I wish you the best and hope that everything goes well! I would think for those few hours you could go sit at the kitchen table with the teacher. You will still be relaxed and not standing for a long time.


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## 40isnotold

Your baby will be fine. You are far enough along plus the steroids help. I had complications at 20 weeks and was on strict bed rest. Now, I'm on partial bed rest and I'm at 25 weeks. I've been off work since the beginning of January. I met my first goal of making it to 24 weeks last week, and my next goal is 28 weeks. I'd be very happy if I make it to 32 weeks. 

You've got this! Please don't feel like you are being punished. Preterm labor happens to a lot of women and there are so many women who have great success stories. I'm so glad you have got a great support system with your family, the fob and the fob's family. I'm also glad that you can continue school. Yes, bed rest is boring, but the health of your baby is so much more important and you don't have much further to go.


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## OnErth&InHvn

Aww, stay hydrated! Sometimes that can cause contractions! 

I hope the baby lives with you. A baby needs a mommy. Of course a daddy too but there can be some attachment issues when a baby is separated from its mother.


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## wookie130

^^^ I don't know. Most of the time, baby needs to form a strong attachment to SOMEONE, and that certainly can be to her father. Babies generally form strong attachments to the primary caregiver, and I feel it's a myth that baby can only bond deeply with the mother. I know that this is true in the case of children who are adopted as infants...they can be as deeply bonded to their adoptive parents as anyone in a biological parenting scenario.

If heatherr chooses to not be the primary caregiver, and if FOB assumes this role instead, this is still a very lucky and blessed little girl. She will be loved, and THAT is what she needs, whether the daily needs are met mainly by her mother, OR father. 

:) :hugs:


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## skyesmom

wookie i couldn't agree more! the whole adoption wouldn't work at all if babies could only bond deeply to their mothers exclusively.

heatherr, don't feel pressured to act in any direction. you guys will know what works the best once she's here, not only in terms of emotional attachments but also in terms of practical things.


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## wookie130

Yes, skyesmom, I totally agree with you...it's really just one of those wait-and-see, play-it-by-ear-and-heart types of things, I think. I have no doubt that heatherr will do what is best for everyone in this situation, even if it doesn't conform to what others may perceive to be what is "best." It seems like there are strong extended families on both sides for support, and that the baby will be very loved by all, no matter what the living arrangement looks like. Families come in all different varieties, but what children need most, is LOVE! <3 She will be loved!


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## Turtle0630

wookie130 said:


> Yes, skyesmom, I totally agree with you...it's really just one of those wait-and-see, play-it-by-ear-and-heart types of things, I think. I have no doubt that heatherr will do what is best for everyone in this situation, even if it doesn't conform to what others may perceive to be what is "best." It seems like there are strong extended families on both sides for support, and that the baby will be very loved by all, no matter what the living arrangement looks like. Families come in all different varieties, but what children need most, is LOVE! <3 She will be loved!

Wookie, I couldn't agree with you more, including what you said in your previous post about it not needing to be the mother that a baby bonds with. It doesn't matter who it is, it just needs to have someone in its life loving and caring for it, that it can form a bond with. Fathers are just as capable at creating that bond with and caring for their children as mothers are, and your example of bonds formed after adoption is a perfect one. Heather, your little girl will be loved no matter what. You have such a strong support system, and the FOB is going to make a great daddy. Don't feel pressured into doing anything by anyone!


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## Rae15

Heatherr, I've been following your thread for a few weeks now and I have to admit, I'm very impressed. I'm also a senior in high school, happily married as well, and I know how stressful making after graduation decisions are and I'm not even pregnant yet! I understand the loss of friendships as well, because getting married at 17 kinda of puts a damper on high school life and friends. They're still your friends, but you're at different places in your life. You'll make plenty of friends that are in the same stage as you, promise. :) I took a chunk out of my day to read through your post and I mean, _every single post._ It's very obvious from the very first request for advice to now, you have grown and matured. Another thing, don't blame yourself for anything you have done in the past. Just learn from them. There is no use crying over spilt milk, right? :) Your "sins" have been transformed into a beautiful blessing that some women may never have the chance to experience, and that my friend, is a rare, blissful thing. You are a strong young woman, I think it's just time to forgive yourself and let yourself enjoy the miracle coming into your life. You are blessed with a supportive family, a FOB who wants to be involved in his child's life and isn't opposed to being involved in yours either. So please, let yourself be happy, Heatherr. :hugs:


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## heatherr

We are sort of leaving things to be determined as far as arrangements go right now. Once we do decide what will happen, things will be flexible into the future. My school will not give me a lot of time off after the baby is born, unless there are complications that would give me a medical reason to have to be at home and recover longer. A newborn doesn't count as a valid medical excuse as far as my school is concerned. Right now we are thinking of having her stay with her dad most of the time while I am still in school. He is able to take off a few weeks after she's born or once I have to go back to school. I can still go over there during the evenings or maybe have her on weekends. Then we will figure out what we do over the summer. I think we will have her continue to live with him for the most part and I will have her during the days while he's at work. 
I do plan to be actively in her life, and I can go see her at his house any time and plan to be over there a lot with her, but I think as far as a day to day schedule and care she will be better off for the time being actually living with her dad.


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## OnErth&InHvn

You all took that entirely wrong. I did NOT say the baby could ONLY bond with mom. 

I said


> Of course a daddy too but there can be some attachment issues when a baby is separated from its mother


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## chistiana

Heatherr I haven't written since the beginning of this thread but have been reading and after reading today it seems that even though you re still not 100% sure of the arrangements some things are actually so much clearer in your head now (like the fact you want to spend time with her) which is awesome to hear :) I think you ll be a fantastic mom and even though it's not something you can consider now I have an inkling that you n fob will end up together!


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## Kailetski

I've been lurking off and on since the beginning and would just like to add that I can see how much you've matured and changed. My first thought when you had mentioned pains was labour and I'm so glad you went in and are being taken care of now, just a few more weeks to hold out but even if she comes now I'm sure she'd do great, it would be hard at first but the chance of surviving at this point is very good, one girl in a group I'm in had her little girl at 22 weeks and shes home and doing good now!
You're off to an amazing start by having a plan and finishing school and all of that, just remember to not make any sudden decisions you may regret later, if you want to be a part of your daughters life, the time off school if you think you should, if you really think she would be better off with her father while you finish school try it out, do what you think is right, I'm sure in the end everything will work out great.


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## MrsC8776

I hope you're doing ok:flower:


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## heatherr

I really appreciate all of the support, especially people who have just recently posted for the first time who have been following my thread. Even if you've only posted here 1 time, I feel like you are all my friends who understand what I'm going through.

I am okay. I'm still on bedrest. At my appointment this week they said I am 2 cm dilated, but they aren't very concerned about that. I haven't gone into labor again, so that's the most important thing. They think it's better that I stay on full bedrest though. But I'm almost 33 weeks now! I'll have my 33 week appointment next week. 

I've just been keeping busy working on school work, reading, sketching. I do not have to have a teacher come to my house every week. It is a service that is offered, but is not always required. We are going to see how it goes and if me or my teachers feel I need extra help then someone can come over here. Right nowI am doing okay with the school work and most of my teachers are being really nice and supportive about it - I have been communicating with them via email. 

Things with fob are a bit complicated right now, but I'm not going to worry about that. 

My sleep schedule is really messed up though. It's almost 2 am and I'm wide awake. I'm constantly waking people up with my TV and stuff...it just seems to much easier to fall asleep at 12 pm nowadays and be up all night :shrug:


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## missk1989

Hi Heather, I'm glad your okay. I hope whatever is going on with FOB improves as you will need each others support.

If you want to sort out your body clock I suggest trying to stay awake a couple of hours later each day until you are back to sleeping at night. So if you usually sleep from 12pm, try to stay up until 2pm today and then 3/4pm tomorrow etc.

Thinking of you


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## Midnight_Fairy

Glad you are ok xxx


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## wookie130

Glad to hear the baby is staying put, and you're able to avoid a teacher coming to your house for the time being. I never slept well during pregnancy...particularly in the latter part.


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## skyesmom

hey heatherr! glad to hear you and the baby are doing good! omg 33 weeks, the time has flown by! real happy to hear she is staying put and being a good little girl baking in there <3

i also hope that the things with the fob get easier again, as pps said you'll need each other's support soon and you know, a bump or two along this road are a completely normal thing. everyone has incomprehension and rough times, even the most solid long term couples, in good or bad times, it is just a part of being humans i guess.

i'm sending you a huge hug :)


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## SurpriseBub

So glad to hear you are well and that baby is staying put! I say sleep whenever you feel like it- I am sure bed rest isn't fun, so I would just take whatever liberties I could!

I hope the next few weeks run smoothly. And I hope you can work things out with fob, too! I think you are wise not to worry about that right now. 

Take care of yourself :hugs:


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## heatherr

Things with fob will be fine. He is still being supportive and has visited me several times. I think the reality of everything is hitting him and he's been thinking, "What am I doing?" It's put him on edge a little.
I had sort of suggested the possibility of living together maybe once I'm in college to make it easier for everyone, but he isn't really into that idea. I suggested a few other things and he just didn't like those either. We're just disagreeing on some things. And he sends such mixed messages a lot of times.


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## missk1989

He is probably confused like you. Not many 21 year old men are ready for this kind of responsibility. He has been pretty calm whilst you have tried to figure things out. It is only natural to have a moment. Men much older than him question babies as the time nears. I am glad he is still being supportive.


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## heatherr

Oh yeah, I don't blame him for feeling nervous or uncertain. He tries to not let people know that he feels that way, but I know he does. I would sort of think it was weird if he didn't feel that way about it sometimes. Plus, he is taking on more responsibility than I am and he's got my uncertainty to deal with. Overall, he has been really understanding of me the entire time. 

It's also just a strange situation to be in. It's weird to be having a baby with someone you aren't actually in a relationship with, but you didn't actually break up with because you didn't like each other anymore, but we weren't really friends ever. I mean, we have become closer throughout the past several months, but it's just a weird mixture of different sorts of relationships...like not romantic, not friends, I don't know what it is. And like I said before this isn't a huge concern to me right now because I'm just glad we are on good terms for our baby's sake. Whatever we are right now works fine.


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## lauza1981

Hello heather, I've literally spent the last few days reading this thread on and off and I just want to say what a strong, mature young woman I think you are! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this situation has been and still is for you, but I think you have dealt with it all so strongly and you obviously have a good head on your shoulders! You're going to be a great mummy to your baby girl whatever arrangements you decide on. Hope you're feeling OK.


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## heatherr

I had my 33 week checkup today and doctor says it everything looks good...no change since last week, which is good. She is a good size and they do not think we will have anything to worry about if she ends up coming at any time now. But I am still on bed rest because obviously it would still be better if she stays in there for several more weeks.


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## missk1989

excellent, glad to hear all is well. Hope your not going crazy stuck in doors all day.:flower:


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## liz1985

Glad to here it sounds like she may stay put for a while yet.


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## skyesmom

:) awesome news! i hope you feel better as well!


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## BabyCleo

Awesome! Its good to know that if she does want to arrive now there wont be to many problems. That's awesome :) 

Hope you and FOB are doing okay!


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## Vicky_92

Hey heather :) I've just found your thread. Glad things are better with you. I had my son very young, so I understand how nerve wrecking it can be. Just came to give you a big hug, and to say my son is now 7, and being a mother is the best thing I've ever done and there is light at the end of the tunnel :). I'll be keeping a wee eye on this thread :)


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## Nikoru0111

Hi Heather, I think I posted at the beginning but managed to accidentally unsubscribe myself so I thought there hadnt been any new updates. I found the thread again and now I'm all caught up. I'm so glad that you are going to try and work out how to coparent, both of you sound like amazing people and your families sound so supportive and loving. I Guess your situation isn't one that people expect to find themselves in or would call perfect but I think the baby will have a lot of love and that will be perfect for her! 

I can't help but hope in the future, given time, you and fob work things out and can become a couple but of course that's not the main concern here and for a 17 year old girl you sound so mature! You all really will be okay and it will work out!

I'm sorry you have to be in bed rest but it's great news that baby is safe to come at any time now so you don't have to worry too much!

Freaking out is totally normal. I'm a whole 10 years older and I freak out every now and again. It is scary for anyone. The unknown is scary. You can never prepare enough for the unknown as there are so many different variables. Just try to keep an open mind and be flexir. I know you'll all do fab!


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## lusterleaf

I just read through this entire thread. You seem like a very mature and level headed individual, especially for someone that is 17. I am glad that you have FOB and parents on both side that are supporting you, and that the baby seems to be staying put for a little bit longer. I think going to a local college for now is not a bad idea. I actually work at a college and there are many students that transfer into our private university from a 2 year community college and they have all of their general requirements over with, and go on to excel when they transfer over here (plus they've saved a ton of money)... so I think that is a good option at first, and you can always transfer over to a school you preferred to go to in the future if you'd like. I also think its great you are sharing your story on here. Anyway I look forward to hearing your updates. Best of luck!


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## Blu10

Hi Heather, just caught up with your thread again, cant believe youre 33 weeks already. Glad to hear she is staying tucked up a little longer and youre doing well. Hugs x


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## heatherr

I can't believe I'm saying this, but she's here! I'm officially a mommy now! I just feel dizzy I guess. I feel really weird not being pregnant anymore and having her actually here. She was born at 11:07 pm on Friday after less than 7 hours of labor. She's 4 lbs, 3 oz and 18 inches long. Luckily, the steroid shot they gave me helped with her lungs and she is able to breathe just fine on her own. She is jaundiced and having trouble regulating & maintaining a good body temperature, so they are going to keep her in the hospital a little longer. They think she might be able to come home at the end of the week. 

We've named her Gabriella Everleigh (Everleigh is my last name, but we're using it as her middle name since she'll have fob's last name). 

I was discharged earlier today, stayed at the hospital for several hours, and am going to spend the night at home. Even after giving birth, I couldn't fall asleep at the hospital. My fear of medical facilities is almost a phobia, so I couldn't relax enough to sleep for more than a half hour here or there. I will most the full story of everything when I have a chance to get back on.


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## mara16jade

Omg Heather!! Congrats and I hope you're recovering well.

Can't wait to hear your birth story! :hugs:


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## LittleLala

Congratulations Heather!!! :hugs: such amazing news. 
So happy to hear that Gabriella is breathing on her own :) such a beautiful name choice, too. 

Looking forward to hearing all about the birth!!


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## MummyMana

Congratulations! :D wow she was at an amazing weight for her gestation too :D


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## Eidson23

Congrats heather!! I'd love to see a picture of her! I'm so happy for you, Its been such a whirlwind for you but you seem so happy! I know with time you'll feel much more comfortable. The hardest part is over! You're a mommy :hugs:


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## Feronia

Wow, congratulations! I'm happy that she's breathing on her own. I hope you're doing well with recovery and can get some sleep at home. :)


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## SurpriseBub

Congratulations! I hope you are both doing well :hugs:


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## Nikoru0111

Wow Heather congratulations! What a beautiful name you have chosen! Can't wait for a more detailed update! Well done dear!


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## peachymomma

CONGRATS!!! I hope you are both doing well. I look forward to hearing your birth story.


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## Feff

Congratulations heather! That's such a lovely name too. My friend gave birth on Friday and her daughter has to stay in hospital for a while as well. She didn't weigh much more than your daughter and she was only 3 weeks early.

Hope you're not too sore :hugs: try and rest as much as you can while they're still looking after her, huge hugs x


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## missk1989

I have never been so pleased for a total stranger! I hope you keep us updated on your progress when your not super busy being a mummy. I and likely many others are so invested in your story it would be lovely to hear how you continue.


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## SpudsMama

Oh wow, congratulations Heather! :happydance: That is a very good weight for her gestation too :) 

I've been reading this thread for a while now, your posts amaze me! You are *such* a strong woman :hugs:


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## chistiana

Huge congratulations! Gabriella sounds like an awesome little fighter and achiever already, breathing all on her own at only 33 weeks (if I m not mistaken??) take care of yourself now and I hope she gets to come home very soon!


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## CathiiNoo

Been reading your thread since the beginning. Congrats mommy! I'm so glad your princess is doing so well.xx


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## ClairAye

Congratulations! What a fab weight and length! Hope you are both well :flow:


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## lauza1981

Congratulations heather!! Hope you are both well and you've managed to get some sleep! x


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## wookie130

heatherr said:


> I can't believe I'm saying this, but she's here! I'm officially a mommy now! I just feel dizzy I guess. I feel really weird not being pregnant anymore and having her actually here. She was born at 11:07 pm on Friday after less than 7 hours of labor. She's 4 lbs, 3 oz and 18 inches long. Luckily, the steroid shot they gave me helped with her lungs and she is able to breathe just fine on her own. She is jaundiced and having trouble regulating & maintaining a good body temperature, so they are going to keep her in the hospital a little longer. They think she might be able to come home at the end of the week.
> 
> We've named her Gabriella Everleigh (Everleigh is my last name, but we're using it as her middle name since she'll have fob's last name).
> 
> I was discharged earlier today, stayed at the hospital for several hours, and am going to spend the night at home. Even after giving birth, I couldn't fall asleep at the hospital. My fear of medical facilities is almost a phobia, so I couldn't relax enough to sleep for more than a half hour here or there. I will most the full story of everything when I have a chance to get back on.

:happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:

Congratulations, heatherr! I'm so glad she's strong, and breathing well on her own! Very impressive for a preemie! Wow! And what a fast labor/delivery you had...whoa!

I am also excited to hear about our birth story, if you're willing to share. I hope you got some good sleep last night, and are ready for some mega cuddling with Gabriella (lovely name, by the way!).

Praying she gets to come home by the end of the week...they like 4 lbers to be AT LEAST 5 lbs before sending them home in most American hospitals...so I'm sure they're trying to get her to feed well, and pack on a few ounces. :) 

Again, congrats! Let us know if you need ANYTHING, and please, continue to stay in touch on here (or in a parenting journal, if you're compelled)! :)


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## skyesmom

OMG Heatherr!! Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl, mommy!!! amazing news and amazing that she can breathe on her own, what a little miracle she is already!

i hope you get to take her home asap, and to get some rest at home too, after the birth and the hospital stress and all <3

your labor sounds super quick, only 7 h for a ftm is amazing! i so so look forward to reading your birth story!

and beautiful beautiful name, and a lovely middle name/surname play! what does the fob say??

massive hugs from me!


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## doctordeesmrs

Congratulations Heather hope you are both doing well :flower:


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## Hermione394

Congrats Heather! I can't wait to hear more!


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## Turtle0630

Huge congrats!!! I love the name, and also can't wait to hear more about your birth story if you're willing to share! :)


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## k4th

Congratulations on your baby girl's safe arrival. I've been following your thread for a while - you are such a brave young woman! 

I hope you get some good sleep at home & your little girl puts weight on well & can leave hospital soon :flower:


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## Srrme

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl! :cloud9:


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## lusterleaf

congratulations!!


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## OnErth&InHvn

Congrats!


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## mummytobe_93

Congratulations :)!!


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## BabyCleo

OMG :happydance: Congrats!!!

That's a good weight for her! Such a pretty name too. I am totally waiting here for a full birth story!!

I hope you and FOB are doing well, and you are enjoying being a mama :) I hate hospitals too so I totally get going home to get some rest. :hugs:


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## Madjackrabbit

Congratulations! So happy for you :) Enjoy!


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## lisaalove

Congratulations! Been silently stalking for a long time, your fears reminded me a lot of my own when I had my first. I'm happy for the three of you!! I don't think I've ever been so excited for a complete stranger to have a baby :haha: Can't wait to read the birth story


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## Kailetski

Congratulations! I'm in tears reading this, hopefully she'll be home soon, try and get some sleep while you can and I'd love to keep reading about everything if you can keep us up to date here or with a journal!


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## Midnight_Fairy

Congratulations x


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## ellahopesky

congratulations! x :flower:


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## SparklesHeart

Congratulations from a loyal stalker! Xx


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## heatherr

OMG, all your comments have made me so happy and made me tear up! Thank you!! I wish I could respond to everyone individually. A few of you have commented that you've never felt this happy for a stranger before, and in the same way it's like I have never felt such a feeling of caring from complete strangers before. I am honestly so happy to be able to share all of this with you because I have really felt your encouragement and support throughout this entire journey and it has made a huge difference to me! :cloud9:



Here is the longer version of everything, and once I typed it all out I realized just how long it is. Sorry for the length!


On Friday afternoon I took a shower and got out, got dressed, and I was sitting in bed drying my hair when I felt sort of like I was peeing myself. It was like a constant trickle, but slower than as if I was peeing. I still didn't think it was my water breaking. I hadn't had any contraction like pains at this point. I had been feeling a lot of pressure down below and just felt like I had to go to the bathroom even more than usual. So I went to change my pants at this point and the water was still just flowing out and it was obvious I wasn't peeing. It was so weird because I realized what it was, but at the same time felt like it wasn't really happening. Part of me had blocked out the idea of labor so much that I almost couldn't believe the baby was actually going to come out, even though I knew that would inevitably have to happen.

Luckily this was at around 3:15, so my sister had recently gotten home from school. I told her that I thought my water broke and she didn't believe me until I showed her my wet pants and the fluid running down my leg still (eww). So she tried to call my mom, but we couldn't reach her. So she called my dad and he came right home. He said he almost got into 3 different accidents rushing home to get me. FOB works a few minutes from the hospital, so I told him what was going on and just had him meet us there. 

It was about 45 minutes after my water broke that contractions started while in the car on the way to the hospital, but they were pretty mild at that point. By the time I got checked into the hospital and they were able to examine me, I was close to 4 cm dilated and contractions were getting worse, with most of the pain just in my back. Everything kind of stalled around 5-6cm. Then a few hours later the contractions started hitting pretty hard, and everything sped up really quickly around that time. I rapidly went from about 6 cm to 10 cm within a few hours and then I pushed for less than 10 minutes. By the time you could actually see her head, I barely had to push because she was practically sliding out on her own. She came out so fast that despite their best efforts, I did end up having a minor tear and having to get a few stitches. They told me not to push, and I wasn't pushing, but she was coming out anyway. They were all amazed at how fast she came out, especially since it was my first baby. The nurses kept calling her torpedo baby. It didn't feel like she was just flying out to me, but I guess compared to many babies she did. I didn't get an epidural, so I felt every bit of it. I won't lie, I was screaming towards the end of it and wishing I had an epidural more than anything. I was thankful that she popped out really quickly, despite the tear, because I could not take the "ring of fire", as one nurse called it, burning sensation once she started to crown. I had really wanted to do it without an epidural, but was pretty sure I would end up getting one. I'm sure I would have gotten one if the labor had been a longer one. I still don't know how I managed to make it through the entire thing without an epidural, but I'm so glad and proud of myself that I was able to do it.

Like I said before, her main issues have been jaundice, regulating and maintaing body temperature, and her weight. While her weight wasn't bad for her gestation (she was 34 weeks exactly when born), it fluctuates very easily. Between Saturday and Sunday she had lost a few ounces due to burning calories when eating and due to her body trying to regulate her temperature. It's just crazy that something as simple as eating can cause her to lose weight, but I guess it's easy when you barely weigh anything to begin with. She has had no problem eating and took to the bottle right away. She hasn't needed any supplemental nutrition via feeding tube. She hasn't had any breathing issues. They said in this case we're lucky that I did go into early labor a few weeks ago since I got the steriod shots which probably really helped with her lung development. She probably would have needed more assistance if I hadn't had those shots.

Between Saturday and Sunday she lost a few ounces simple due to burning calories when eating and with the temperature issue. She ended up slipping below her birth weight Sunday night. She had an explosive poop and she lost a few ounces after that. But now she is moving in the positive direction and as of today is back over her birth weight. They say they want her weight to move in the positive direction and stay above birth weight for a week before they will send her home. So at this point the earliest she would be able to come home is next week, but she has to meet other criteria as well.

They aren't as concerned with the 5 lbs mark as they are with her weight just moving in a positive direction. The other criteria she has to meet is maintaining body temperature better on her own outside of the isolette, no breathing issues (including no Bradys when they stop breathing for like 15 seconds, which she hasn't had at this point), taking a bottle at every feeding. 

We are really lucky to have a private NICU room. I have been spending the days here, then going home to sleep. I feel guilty when I leave, which is usually around 7-8 pm, but there is only a small couch here and with the amount of times they have to come in and check on her, I just cannot fall asleep. FOB took yesterday off, but he did go into work today to wrap up the things that he was in the middle of on Friday. He will come by tonight and stay until after I go home, until about 11. 

They have been letting us do any of the care for her that we want, all of her feedings and changes. Due to the temperature issue, she hasn't had an actual bath, we can give her little sponge baths though in her isolette. 
There is so much more I could say and post, but I have to take a break now. I will keep everyone updated.


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## Turtle0630

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm so happy that everything went so well for you (for the most part) and that it was a "fast" labor. I know 7 hours of pain sucks but I'm glad it wasn't longer. :) You sound so in love with her already! I can't wait to hear more, and what you and FOB decide to do as far as living arrangements, etc. Keep us posted! <3


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## BabyCleo

Am I allowed to ask for a picture? Lol. Im so glad both you and her are okay, I hope she keeps gaining weight! Thanks for the update! Xox


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## wookie130

I'm sure she's just beautiful and perfect, heatherr. I'm so proud of you, and how you handled the labor and delivery. I cannot imagine not having the pain relief! Wow...you're a ROCK STAR!!! LOL! 

Sounds like she's doing really well, and that although she won't be coming home YET, she's on her way, and life will really begin. You're handling it all with grace, and maturity, and I'm proud of you! Take it from me, the ol' lady (ha!), that things really do just have a way of falling into place. 

I am so glad to hear you're taking the nights off to sleep. NICU nurses are angels, and she's in great hands!


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## skyesmom

OMG heatherr i was bawling my eyes out reading your birth story! so so happy for you and so proud of you for making it without an epi and in such short time, also despite your general fear of hospitals and such (and strong fears are known to halt labor!)

as wookie said, you're a rock star and a trooper!! and one damn good mamma, handling the birth and the nicu time so well :hugs:

and it is sooo good to hear that she's doing well and regaining her birth weight slowly, and that you guys have a private room to take care of her while in the NICU. 

was the FOB in the room with you when she came out? sorry for the tmi, it is just that your whole story and journey are so amazing and emotional and mature... and really thank you for sharing it with us! :hugs:


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## OnErth&InHvn

I hope she continues to grow big and strong! 

I also hope even more so now that you and FOB can make things work!


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## Srrme

:hugs: I'm so glad she's doing well! I had a 35 weeker and 28.6 weeker, so know the NICU all too well. It seems like she's doing fabulous!!!

:hugs:


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## SurpriseBub

heatherr said:


> OMG, all your comments have made me so happy and made me tear up! Thank you!! I wish I could respond to everyone individually. A few of you have commented that you've never felt this happy for a stranger before, and in the same way it's like I have never felt such a feeling of caring from complete strangers before. I am honestly so happy to be able to share all of this with you because I have really felt your encouragement and support throughout this entire journey and it has made a huge difference to me! :cloud9:

I am so glad you and your little lady are both doing well!! :flower: 

Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us! I am so glad I found this thread, and there have been many times when it has touched me to see the kind interactions exchanged. :) to think of all the good things your daughter brought into the world before even being born! 

Congratulations again. It sounds like you handled birth amazingly well :) and I will be hoping little Gabriella continues to gain weight and get closer and closer to going home!


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## LittleLala

Wow what an amazing birth story. It made me giggle when you spoke about your water breaking :haha: silly billy!! But I totally get it- I'm totally in denial that I will have to go through labour at all lol.

Holy moly no epi??! You really are amazing!! Just THINKING about the ring of fire makes my privates shrivel up and cry haha. 

So happy for you Heather, can't wait to hear more. Congratulations xx


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## SparklesHeart

You've done a fantastic job! No pain relief - warrior!! Much quicker recovery that way too. Hope you're healing well, and Gabriella continues to grow big and strong. Love and hugs!


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## Feff

Wow she was quick coming out wasn't she! No hanging about for her :haha:

You're handling it all so well heather, much better than I would've done. It's good they're letting you do most of the care for her too. 

I don't blame you for coming home for rest, I hated sleeping in the hospital and I was only there for 1 night. I can't imagine having to stay there longer than that.

I hope she manages to regulate her temperature soon and keeps putting weight on, then she'll be out of there before you know it :hugs: x


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## Madjackrabbit

Nice work on the speed birth! I'm impressed - I definitely got the epidural but our fella took a couple of days to make his appearance :S

Glad to hear you're getting some rest, and don't feel guilty - you'll be much more functional during the day for her if you can sleep at night...

Hope she keeps packing on the pounds and the temp issues sort themselves out quickly :)


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## Kailetski

It would be great if you would quit making me cry! As others have said I'm hoping well get to see some pictures and hear many more updates in the near future, I'd also love to know how things go with her father, it's kind of like reading a really good book that you just can't put down, you just get so engrossed in the story and become so attached to the characters. :winkwink:


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## Turtle0630

Kailetski said:


> It would be great if you would quit making me cry! As others have said I'm hoping well get to see some pictures and hear many more updates in the near future, I'd also love to know how things go with her father, it's kind of like reading a really good book that you just can't put down, you just get so engrossed in the story and become so attached to the characters. :winkwink:

Haha, I agree with Kailetski! I can't wait to find out what happens next! :haha:


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## alibaba24

Hi Heather. I have been following this thread for quite some time but never posted as the other ladies have already said things i would have. I just wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful baby girl . I also have a premature baby and she is the light of my life. Look after yourself and keep us updated. a picture would be great! ;) x


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## nic18

Congratulations!!!


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## vermeil

Congratulations! Sounds like the birth went well. Hope you're getting some rest


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## Topanga053

Heather, congrats!! I've been stalking and I'm so glad to hear your baby was born and is healthy!! I'll be waiting to read all the updates!!


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## MommaAlexis

Oh my goodness!! congrats little mama bear!! Can't wait to hear more, so glad for you that she's safe and happy :)


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## 40isnotold

Congrats! You have picked such a beautiful name and I love how you are using your last name as her middle name. I have been following your story and want to say how much I admire you. You are such a strong woman and I'm glad you shared your story with us. I look forward to more updates, as well as a picture, if you are willing to share.


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## liz1985

Congratulations heather. Sounds like you both did and fab. Loved reading your birth story. So glad shes doing so well and will hopfully be able to come home soon.


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## Feff

Hope you're resting up and healing well heather :hugs: and I hope Gabriella is doing fab x


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## mara16jade

How are you feeling? How is your baby girl?


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## LoveMyBaby786

Just stumbled across this thread whilst having a browse through bnb. Read it all and wow what an amazing woman you are! A huge congratulations on your baby girl! Hope you both are doing well x


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## Mooshoo

Just seen this while browsing. Your sound so mature with all your posts. Congrats to you!


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## mrs n

I found this post by complete accident,not sure how though but once I read your first few posts,I realised that you were someone very sweet,special and down to earth.ive read each and every one of your posts and as far as I'm concerned in my eyes you are one of the most amazing,sensible and strong women I've ever heard of,massive congratulations on the birth of your baby girl,I'm sure your doing an amazing job and I'll be keeping an eye out for updates on you all.xxx


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## Twag

I have read your whole thread and I just wanted to say Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl a beautiful name and I wish you and your little family all the best for the future :hug:


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## Tmb0047

Congrats heather! Hope all is well with you, baby and FOB :)


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## Feff

Hope you're all doing okay heather :hugs:


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## Desi's_lost

Seems like she logs in daily..


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## alibaba24

iv been checking daily for an update lol


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## skyesmom

a massive digital telematic hug to you, FOB and your little family Heatherr! enjoy your baby girl and nevermind the bnb, there's plenty of time for updates <3 <3 <3


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## heatherr

Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates. I have been on here pm'ing with a few people who I talk to regularly, but I haven't had the chance to make a post. I have just been really busy and tired and not had the mental strength to even post an update. I feel like a scatterbrain lately.

Gabriella is still in the NICU, but is scheduled to come home on Monday if all goes well (keep your fingers crossed please lol). Nothing major has happened, but we just had to wait until she could reach all of the criteria they wanted her to meet and maintain her weight and body temperature better for 1 week solid. But I have to go back to school. Having a baby, even if she is in the NICU, doesn't count as a medical reason for ME to be off school, so I will get in trouble if I don't get back and my teachers can fail me. So anyway, FOB has been saving his vacation time so he can take off when she comes home. I feel so overwhelmed with the thought of going back to school. Thankfully it's only for a few more months. But I'm really depressed about it.

I'm sorry there aren't a lot of details here. I will post pictures. I'm going to put some watermarks on them first. I don't think anyone here will steal them, but you never know who is lurking and not even a member here. I had pictures of myself stolen off another site once. Anyway, I'll try to post again really soon with some pics, but I'm sorry I have a horrible migraine and just want to go to sleep right now. I just saw that people were sort of worried about me so I thought I should let everyone know that I'm ok.


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## Feff

Glad to hear that little miss will be out of NICU soon :) I hope these last few months of school will fly by for you! It's good that fob can take some time off work to look after the baby. 

Thank you for updating us all :hugs:


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## Desi's_lost

Your school sounds so unreasonable. I was only pregnant while still in school but they let me go in two hours late every day because I was always tired and emotionally really screwed over. Why should it be any different than if your family was taking a vacation? As long as you keep up with the work, they should work with you. 

I'm glad that your LO is doing good, hopefully she is ready to come home very soon!


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## smoore

I would think you would still not be able to go back until your doctor releases you? Medically you should get at least 4-6 weeks?


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## heatherr

Desi's_lost said:


> Your school sounds so unreasonable. I was only pregnant while still in school but they let me go in two hours late every day because I was always tired and emotionally really screwed over. Why should it be any different than if your family was taking a vacation? As long as you keep up with the work, they should work with you.
> 
> I'm glad that your LO is doing good, hopefully she is ready to come home very soon!

My school doesn't approve of taking time out of school for a vacation either. If you miss more than 2 days in a row you need a documented reason that has to meet their other criteria. They can't stop you from taking the time off, but they can give you incomplete grades. They don't really seem to count just keeping up with the work as fully participating in class. 

I go to a private prep school. They are pretty strict about missing classes. Technically a teacher is allowed to fail you if you miss 9 classes in a single course, but I don't think it's actually been done before. They all pity me now, the teachers and counselors and stuff.


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## wookie130

How frustrating about school...you only JUST had the baby, and she's been in the NICU. To me, that's MORE than a reasonable excuse for you to be missing class, but hey...who am I, you know? Ugh.

How is little G doing? Is she eating well, pooping okay, and letting you get some sleep at times? :rofl: Newborns can be tough. Mine were both pretty fussy newborns, especially in the evenings, during what is referred to as the "purple period of crying." That stuff does pass though, and then it's on to the next challenge. LOL!

So glad FOB is so willing and capable of stepping in and supporting you and G!


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## Desi's_lost

heatherr said:


> Desi's_lost said:
> 
> 
> Your school sounds so unreasonable. I was only pregnant while still in school but they let me go in two hours late every day because I was always tired and emotionally really screwed over. Why should it be any different than if your family was taking a vacation? As long as you keep up with the work, they should work with you.
> 
> I'm glad that your LO is doing good, hopefully she is ready to come home very soon!
> 
> My school doesn't approve of taking time out of school for a vacation either. If you miss more than 2 days in a row you need a documented reason that has to meet their other criteria. They can't stop you from taking the time off, but they can give you incomplete grades. They don't really seem to count just keeping up with the work as fully participating in class.
> 
> I go to a private prep school. They are pretty strict about missing classes. Technically a teacher is allowed to fail you if you miss 9 classes in a single course, but I don't think it's actually been done before. They all pity me now, the teachers and counselors and stuff.Click to expand...

Ah! I went through public school. But honestly, that's even more annoying because you pay to go! All the more reason for them to work with you. It's not like you're just flaking out.


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## Blu10

Congratulations Heather! Cant believe ive only just seen the update. Hope youre all ok xx


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## heatherr

After about 17.5 days in the hospital, Gabriella came home on Monday. Yay!! She weighed 4 lbs, 13 oz when she left, so she'll be at the 5 lbs mark in no time. Her weight has gone in a positive direction for over a week solid now, which was their main concern. We did have to get a different car seat that is certified for babies under 5 lbs. for them to allow her to leave. Thankfully fob's mom knew somebody who had one that they don't need anymore, so we're borrowing that one for a short time until she's big enough for the one we have.

She came home with me and will be here until the end of the weekend, then she is going to start living with her dad during the week and then stay with me on the weekends. It just makes more sense for him to have her during the week since I will be returning to school next Monday and he is able to be off work with her for a few weeks. I will go over and visit her. Then she will spend the nights at my house on the weekends for now. Then I will be off for spring break the week of Easter and then neither of us can be with her during the day. Luckily we have a few relatives who are able to help watch her for a few months until I'm done with school. Then we'll worry about the rest later I guess. I feel bad dragging her back and forth, but it's just not an ideal situation and we have to sort of do what works best with our schedules. 

It's kinda of weird being home alone with her all day. I was staying with her every day at the hospital, but there's constantly someone in there checking on her, so it's not like really being alone. I don't mean this in a bad way, but it just takes some adjusting and makes me nervous.

I also received 2 college acceptance letters back already, one for a school far away and the other for the local school I want to go to most. So, obviously I'm not going far away.


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## Srrme

Congratulations on having her home! It's such a GREAT feeling bringing your baby home from the NICU!


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## Madjackrabbit

Congratulations on bringing your wee girl home! Best of luck for the next few weeks, I'm sure you and her dad will rock it :) and don't worry about moving her from place to place, she won't notice at that age I'm sure! Take care


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## KFrey

Congrats Heather!


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## lisaalove

Congratulations sweetheart. Happy to hear you guys have your little girl with you.


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## Feff

Brilliant news heather :) don't feel bad, you're doing what's best for all 3 of you and as long as she's healthy and happy that's all that matters. Really happy for you :hugs:


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## alibaba24

congratulations on bringing her home. its scary but soon you will wonder why you were ever so nervous. x


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## Andypanda6570

:kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss: Congrats!! All the best!! XO


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## Turtle0630

Congrats on bringing your little girl home! It sounds like you and FOB have everything planned out nicely. I wouldn't feel bad for having to bring her back and forth...she won't have any idea at this age and if it just continues like this once she gets older, it'll be all she's ever known so she won't even blink an eye over it! Good luck, I'm really happy to hear everything is going well so far! Can't wait to see pictures once you're able/comfortable with posting some! :hugs:


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## skyesmom

YAYY!! Congrats on bringing little Gabriella home! SUCH a great news!
i love how you and FOB planned it all out and are trying to make things work for all of you. 

it must feel super strange to have this new little person in your life for real now (as the hospital is still a place you kinda GO to, it's not your "real" life, by this i mean your everyday life in your everyday surroundings), but it will all settle. don't feel bad about yourself for whatever feeling may come over you; the reality of it is gonna sit in on both of you only now, when she's in home care, at your or at his.

adjusting to parenthood takes time and honestly i think it's a life long process, you grow up together with your kids, even if you have them at 40 for the first time.


...and... CONGRATS on getting into BOTH schools!!!! you rock!!! Gabriella's got one smart momma! 

(i know in the sight of being a parent, this achievement of yours may seem a bit less significant and less acknowledged, but hey... this is your own accomplishment and nobody else's, while pregnant and with a baby! and because of it, it is even more so of a damn great job!) :hugs: massive hugs to all three of you!


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## Turtle0630

Skyes is so right, you getting into both schools is a huge deal and something to be very proud of! It's easy to get overshadowed by your little girl's arrival and her coming home but it definitely deserves recognition! Congrats, I'm really proud of you! Sorry for not acknowledging it before! :)


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## Midnight_Fairy

Congratulations bringing her home x


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## daneuse27

Just spent a fair amount of time reading up on this thread. I think you and FOB have both been very brave, and it sounds like things are coming together. Congrats on getting into both schools!


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## BabyCleo

Congrats on bringing her home and on the schools!! I agree with everyone else... she wont realize being moved around at all. It sounds like you and FOB have a really awesome plan!


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## Vickster1

So happy for you. I'm sure I don't just speak for myself that i'd love to see a photo of her at some point. xxx


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## CathiiNoo

Photos would be great ;)


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## alibaba24

CathiiNoo said:


> Photos would be great ;)

:haha:


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## 40isnotold

Congrats on being able to bring her home and on the college acceptances. Please don't worry about her being in two households. I think it's great that both you and the fob are being so active in your little girl's life. I'm with the others when I say I would love to see a picture (only if you are comfortable with it).


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## wookie130

I think one of the greatest gifts you can give your daughter, will be to see you working hard to finish your education. It sounds like being accepted into not one, but TWO of your school choices is a wonderful step in the right direction!


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## pradabooties

Wow! I just read through this entire thread! I started because I believe I may be pregnant and although I'm slightly older at 23 I'm a little nervous to tell my parents. I didn't expect to fall so deep into a thread and care so much about someone and their story that I don't even know!

I'm so glad it's all worked out in the end for you all. Things have a tendency to work out! Would love to see photos x


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## Andypanda6570

How are you doing? :hugs:


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## nic18

fantastic news :)


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## IsabellaJayne

ive just read this while thread. How inspiring! I had my first at 21 and was petrified, so cant't jmagine how you felt at 17. It's so fantastic though! :) Im now pregnant with my 2nd at 23 so couldn't have scared me that much haha! 

Fab journey and love her name. I wish you all huge happiness and glad she is home. She's got fantastic parents


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## alibaba24

Hi heather . I was online earlier seeing if you had updated and I noticed you were viewing this thread. It would be great to read a little update I know there are a few people you pm on here but theres lots of members have been following and supporting you who would loooooove to know how your lovely little girl is doing (and you) :flower:

hope you are all settling into parenthood well :hugs:


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## Srrme

I hope you and your little girl are doing well! :D


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## Feff

Hope you're all well heather x


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## onebrightstar

Thinking of you and Gabriella! X


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## Hermione394

Thinking of you :). I'm sure you're really busy with school and motherhood, but you're in all our thoughts!


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## Andypanda6570

Thinking of you both.. Hope you post an update soon.. XO <3..I must admit I am getting a little concerned..<3 Hope you and Gabriella are ok..xo


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## DanteRoman

I have read through the whole thread and can say I'm truly inspired and feel very proud of you!!! Well done!!! And congratulations xx


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## CarolinDallas

Heather, I just read this entire thread. Great story. I'm glad you and Gabriella are Ok :) and I'm glad you have a supportive family and FOB. Best wishes and keep us posted


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## ClairAye

I hope all is well with you. :)


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## Eliza_V

She logged in 2 days ago, and her on other occasions since her last reply (albeit not posting) :coffee:

ETA (9.30pm UK time): She's currently viewing the thread. Heatherr, people would like to know if you're alright...?


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## heatherr

I was on here a few days ago trying to post an update, but ended up getting interrupted by something at home and then didn't feel like coming back and retyping everything again.

I'm sorry that I haven't been posting regular updates here. I had planned to. I don't know how to explain it,but I've just been having a really hard time dealing with everything in my life. I feel really tired all of the time and haven't really been spending much time doing anything online. I always feel guilty, like there is something more important I should be doing. It has nothing to do with anyone here. I have been pm'ing with a few people, so that is why you might see me logged in without replying to this thread. I don't mean to upset anyone by not posting regular updates here. I'm back in school now. A lot of times in the evenings I visit Gabby at her dad's house because she stays there during the week days. I feel like I am trying to force motherhood on myself. Ever since she came home I've felt disconnected I guess, don't really know if that's the right word for it. It's like I love her, but I don't feel like her mom. I feel like she's somebody else's baby. I am not finding that any of this is coming very naturally to me. 

Gabby is about 6.5 weeks old now. She was just under 7 lbs the last time we weighed her. She's a little behind on developmental milestones, but the doctor says it's just due to being premature and she will probably catch up without any issues - in other words, everything seems perfectly normal considering her gestation at birth. She doesn't smile yet, but she makes other silly facial expressions. 

Meanwhile I also had my birthday on the 9th and turned 18.

That's basically all that's been happening. I am thinking about getting a job once school is out. Although we don't know what we're doing with Gabby over the summer. If I don't work during the weekdays we won't have to worry about getting anyone to watch her and then that would save money. I don't know, it's not like I could even make a lot of money but at least I'd feel like I was contributing by doing something.


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## alibaba24

Hi heather I am sure your not upsetting anyone at all. I am sorry you are feeling disconnected from your baby girl. I am sure it probably has something to do with the fact she is not living with you and your visiting her. so possibly bonding is not happening. lots of parents feel disconnected even when they are with their baby all of the time. Have you considered spending overnights with her? I do hope you feel better soon. I know when my daughter was in special care due to prematurity I felt disconnected as everyone else seemed to be caring for her while I helplessly looked on. Once I got her home and spent time alone with her is when we really bonded. Do you get to spend 1:1 time with her?

:hugs:


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## wookie130

Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. :) Just sayin'.

Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will. :hugs:


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## heatherr

alibaba24 said:


> Hi heather I am sure your not upsetting anyone at all. I am sorry you are feeling disconnected from your baby girl. I am sure it probably has something to do with the fact she is not living with you and your visiting her. so possibly bonding is not happening. lots of parents feel disconnected even when they are with their baby all of the time. Have you considered spending overnights with her? I do hope you feel better soon. I know when my daughter was in special care due to prematurity I felt disconnected as everyone else seemed to be caring for her while I helplessly looked on. Once I got her home and spent time alone with her is when we really bonded. Do you get to spend 1:1 time with her?
> 
> :hugs:

She does stay with me overnight on the weekends and she did stay with me for the full week after she came home from the hospital and during my spring break week. I've been visiting during the week to try to spend more time with her and hoping it'd help me. I do feel guilty just going about my regular life all week long and just being a mom on the weekends. I don't know what else to do.


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## heatherr

wookie130 said:


> Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. :) Just sayin'.
> 
> Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will. :hugs:

Thanks wookie130. I just started to feel like some people here were upset that I wasn't posting a lot lately and I felt really bad. I did come here several times with the intention of posting a long update and then I just lost the motivation. It seems like most people were just concerned about me. I don't want anyone to think that I got all of this great advice and support here when pregnant and am just deserting everyone now. I'm also trying to do more productive things with my time and I tend to get sucked into the Internet even when I just intend to come on here and post an update - before I know it I'm watching a full concert on youtube, shopping on another tab, etc. and then I'm on the computer for hours and my whole night is gone. I became so lazy during my pregnancy. So I sort of decided to take a little break from the Internet since I felt like I should be devoting my time to other things like school and baby and exercising and my own hobbies and things like that. 

But I REALLY appreciate everyone's concerns and I will try to post more updates, even if it's just to let everyone know that things are okay. It is lonely now, in a different way than when I was pregnant. Of course my friends wanted to come see the baby. They ask me about her and stuff, but they have other things they're concerned about. It's like they've forgotten that my entire life isn't all about being a mom, but it's all they think to ask me about. And of course on the weekends when my friends are doing things together I really can't.

And I'm sorry to say, but there is no further development with the relationship between me and fob. I know a lot of people were hoping for that haha. We get along.

I will be on some more later tonight. I'm going to eat dinner and probably get stuck washing all of the dishes afterwards, but I'll log in after that.


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## alibaba24

heather perhaps your feelings of guilt are what is fuelling your feelings. please try to realise motherhood is different for every women. you have to find what works for you and your child which is what you have done. some parents stay home with the baby. some go back to work immediately and put their baby in full time childcare . some fathers stay home while the mother works and vice versa. It is not always completely dreamy. If I were you id visit my doctor and discuss how your feeling. can you speak to your own mum about it? how are your parents with everything? 

:hugs: 

Its such an emotional time and things to tend to work out and settle over time


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## skyesmom

wookie130 said:


> Am I the only one who feels that heatherr doesn't owe any of us updates? LOL!!! I love a good story and update as much as the next person, but I do think we need to cut her a break, and let her find her way in this transition without the added pressure of people stalking her login info, etc. :) Just sayin'.
> 
> Heatherr, I'm getting ready to make supper, and take the babies to the park, so I'll post a bit more later. The short version of what I'm going to say, is that it'll all fall into place, somehow, some way. It just will. :hugs:

i second every word wookie said! life's stressy enough especially in the first few weeks and a thread on internet really ain't a priority and it shouldn't be another source of pressure!

heatherr, you really don't owe anything to anybody here, and moreover, THANK YOU for sharing everything you did so far with us.

it is your right never to update again if you feel that's the right thing for you to do. it is your right as well to post 100 new threads with 100 new questions that bug you - this is what support forums are about. :hugs:

and regarding the lack of bonding - give yourself time. 7 weeks look like an eternity but it's nothing, really. you've got loads of things going on: a brand new (and premature) baby, first in NICU then home, back to school, coping with co-parenting, your last year of high school, turning 18... i mean, a standard teen usually freaks out for months just because of this last one, let alone all the rest you're dealing with. 

give yourself time - sometimes things come with a delay because it's simply all too much to take in at once. plus your hormones are still all over the place and they play a big (and often underestimated) role, too.

massive hugs to you :hugs: you are one strong woman!


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## wookie130

Okay. So, what I was going to tell you earlier, was that there are LOTS of things going on in your life. Lots and lots and lots of things. You're a new young mother. I think one misconception that exists, is that you should be head over heels in love with your daughter by now, etc. Well...no, that isn't how it works for everyone. Bonding can take time, and motherhood sort of fell into your lap, and you didn't plan it at this point in your life, etc. So, that's a huge change. Your hormones can also be fueling the guilt, and negative feelings...PND is common, and it's something to keep an eye on, if you feel that this may be factoring into how you're feeling. I'm sure things are overwhelming, and 7 weeks? Phew, you're JUST getting started on this journey. That is a tiny, tiny, tiny baby. Just wait until she starts interacting with you, and becoming a little person with interests and opinions. It gets more fun when their personalities develop. Right now, she probably cries, sleeps, poops, and eats. A LOT. Later, she'll still do all of this, and a whole lot more. :)

There's nothing to feel guilty about. Things will work out, and you'll get a handle on your schedule, and your life. :hugs: It really just all falls into place eventually.


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## eppgirl

Heather, I just wanted to say, I've read through this whole thread and been following your journey just haven't posted as I didn't know what to say. First off, you're awesome! I don't know if I would have had the strength or maturity to do what you've done. Secondly, as everyone else has said, sometimes bonding takes time.
With my first, I had a csection, and for the longest time I felt like I still had to give birth. Like that baby in the bassinet wasn't mine. Until he actually started smiling, laughing, and interacting, it was really hard for me to believe I actually had a baby, he did nothing but sleep. And I was home all the time with him. It wasn't til he was around 4-6 months that we really got to bond.


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## OnErth&InHvn

Youre her mommy, whether every day or weekends. Shes not going to care as long as she sees you and you have a good relationship. :hugs:

I have felt like you in a similar way with my son. I see him every other weekend and at times felt like his babysitter rather than his mom. I had to come to a place of what i said above. He is mine. I made him. I carried him. He is mine even every other weekend and NO ONE and NOTHING can ever change that. Id LOVE to see him every day. Id LOVE to have an ever stronger, better bond but even at 10, he knows im his mom and he loves me and loves the time we have. When hes older, ill be honest with him and tell him why its the way it is. 

I tell you because it wasnt ideal. It wasnt the dream I had. I HATE it but I get to see him. The alternative is not seeing him and that would be worse.


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## MommaAlexis

I didn't fully bond with my daughter until she walked. Then I cried like a baby. Lol it was my first sign that she was like a real person ya know. I spent a day teaching her what trees were! Maybe bring her out and show her something you love or a good memory place :)


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## Wobbles

vixiepoo said:


> She logged in 2 days ago, and her on other occasions since her last reply (albeit not posting) :coffee:
> 
> ETA (9.30pm UK time): She's currently viewing the thread. Heatherr, people would like to know if you're alright...?

Wowsers .... this is quite an uncomfortable post. No pressure to update you all then? Seriously members will update when they are ready if at all and shouldn't be cornered liked this then feel like they have to explain why they logged in an didn't update you! 

Heather don't apologise. You don't owe anyone an update on your personal life, you post for support when you feel you need to how you need to <3 you want to completely ignore this thread/situation one day you log in you do that :winkwink: 

x


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## heatherr

Thanks for all of your replies. Makes me not feel so bad about the way I'm feeling, or maybe I should say the way I'm not feeling. Sometimes when she is with me I wonder if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel bad that I'm happy she is not with me the majority of the time. I worry that by saying this people will get the wrong idea about what I'm saying, but I hope not. In no way do I want to hurt or or anything. I love her, but I feel like I'm babysitting somebody else's baby at the same time. I will probably have her during the day all summer long because that just makes the most sense. I hope that will help improve things. I know it sounds so bad, but I'm thinking there goes my summer vacation....I think I'm turning out to be a horrible parent and I don't deserve her. It's weird because when she was in the hospital I went to see her everyday and spent most of the day there constantly, and now that she's home I feel disconnected??? 

I don't want to tell fob all if this because I feel horrible admitting it. I'm scared he'll think I'm crazy or he'll agree with me that I'm a horrible parent because I let him do most of the work. 

This weekend she is staying with me, so we'll see how it goes. I've just been crying today because I feel so guilty. I hate the way I feel.


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## OnErth&InHvn

There goes your summer vacation to take your baby girl!! You can do everything with her that you could otherwise! Look at it that way!

Camping? Yep
Swimming? Yep
Park? Yep
Movie? Yep (maybe during a nap but you could!)
Out to eat? Yep
Friends/Family? Yep (they better let you anyway!)

I really cant think of anything you couldnt do in some way, shape or form! You may have to adapt a bit but we all make it work! :kiss:


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## Blu10

Hi Heather, big hugs hun, being a mommy is tough and these babies dont come with a manual. Have you spoken with your health visitor about how you are feeling?x


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## skyesmom

heather love, it will all adjust and don't bash yourself for all those feelings, it is normal to have them in your situation. 

it is also important that you speak freely of those feelings you have, as this will help you deal with them. bottling it all up in fear of being judged is a no-go, and also it cuts you off getting help and support that you do need.

have you thought of talking to a councilor or a psychologist, even at your school? i think it could be useful to you, if only for having a real life person that is paid to listen to you without judging and with respect to your privacy and secrecy.

from what you write it sounds to me you may be going into post-partum depression to some degree. i don't mean or want to scare you, but you're dealing with a lot of pressure, you've got poor psychological support in terms of telling the people around you how you feel because of the guilt, and guilt itself is a tricky thing that can easily drag you down before you even know it. all this is more than enough to kick start PPD, even without considering your hormones and the changes your body is going through now.

and just to let you know: you're NOT a horrible parent. despite all your contrasting feelings, you still take all your responsibilities, go visit your daughter, take care of her and have her on the weekends, deal with the fob and his family and your family, and school and all. give yourself a credit for it. you're not acting out of any of those "bad" thoughts and feelings. that's a sign of incredible maturity and strength.

the things will adjust but i think YOU need a more concrete psychological support in all this. and don't think it's anything shameful. i've gone through an undiagnosed PPD that later turned into a full blown depression after my losses, and it took me a good year of hell before i asked for help and got myself a therapist (no medication ever taken). and during that time, i had all sorts of "weird" "terrible" "bad" feelings or thoughts one could imagine, went through periods where i had NO feelings at all for anything or anyone around me or myself (the scariest part i think). As long as you don't make important decisions based on these states of mind, it is all ok.

you are one great woman and the love for your daughter and bonding with her will come eventually, and maybe even faster if you don't try to force it or feel obliged to have all that love at once ready-made now and beat yourself up for not having it all just there.

massive hug to you!


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## alibaba24

just another little idea have you tried doing any type of baby massage with her or just skin to skin when my second daughter was little like yours I would do baby massage on her before putting her to bed for the night and she loved it and it really relaxed us both. she is 14 months now and still loves it. it just chills us both out and good for bonding. also there is a teenage parenting forum on here maybe you could start a thread in to find others who are feeling similar. not even having to stick to teenage parenting theres lots of sections you could find lots of online support if you think it might help 

also I want to add if you dont feel comfortable doing any of that that is ok too. I never done baby massage with my first daughter she was premature and in scbu. ( i wish i had now though) every womens journey is different try to shrug that guilt even those who look like so called perfect mums have days where there is all sorts going through their mind about how tough parent hood is etc even if they dont admit it x


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## smoore

Blu10 said:


> Hi Heather, big hugs hun, being a mommy is tough and these babies dont come with a manual. Have you spoken with your health visitor about how you are feeling?x

After reading your latest posts.. I was wondering this as well. You could be dealing with a real depression that is causing the disconnected feeling. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a health care provider either way about your feelings. They are not there to judge and are qualified to decide what is going on.


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## wookie130

You know, I did bring it up in my last post (when I mentioned PND, that stands for post-natal depression), and I do tend to agree with the other ladies who suggest seeing your doctor about it.

PND can cause feelings of inadequacy as a mom, feelings of "not deserving" your child, a lack of connection between a mother and child, and guilt. Honey, please go talk to someone. They can help you work through these feelings, and perhaps even start you on some temporary medication to sort things out a bit faster. If you get help sooner, you will better bond with your daughter, and not feel like a failure. You are NOT crazy, a failure, a horrible parent, etc. You are young, your hormones are probably way out of wack, and none of these things are within your control. There is absolutely NO SHAME in getting some help with your feelings, and seeking someone who can help you cope. If let go, PND CAN be dangerous, as things can escalate beyond your ability to control your behavior. I'm not saying you are anywhere near anything remotely like that, but as a preventative measure (and hey, just because you're worth it, and so is Gabriella), you should get help for both of you. PND is a really common thing after a woman has a baby, and there are varying degrees of it, and it may feel a little different from mom to mom. Maybe you could talk to your parents about your feelings, and ask if you could speak with your OB or doctor about what's going on, because I do suspect that it's a bit more than just making a serious life adjustment...it's a real condition that requires real treatment, and it has nothing to do with your character, your love for your child, etc. It's just one of those things, seriously, and it's OKAY. :hugs: Like I said earlier, just keep chugging along. Things do get easier, and perhaps with a bit of extra help dealing with the hormonal changes, you can start to feel better about where things are standing currently. :hugs:


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## heatherr

I am going to talk to my doctor about this. I am still nervous to admit this to someone in person, but I am tired of feeling this way. It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be. 

I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do. 

I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.


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## heatherr

OnErth&InHvn said:


> There goes your summer vacation to take your baby girl!! You can do everything with her that you could otherwise! Look at it that way!
> 
> Camping? Yep
> Swimming? Yep
> Park? Yep
> Movie? Yep (maybe during a nap but you could!)
> Out to eat? Yep
> Friends/Family? Yep (they better let you anyway!)
> 
> I really cant think of anything you couldnt do in some way, shape or form! You may have to adapt a bit but we all make it work! :kiss:

Yeah, I know you're right. I just seem to think of any negative thing I can right now. I have a hard time thinking of anything positively.


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## Eidson23

Heatherr, being a teen mother increases your chances of having PND. Because your hormones in general are not completely matured enough, the rapid increase of hormones during pregnancy and the the almost instant decrease once you deliver can really do a number on your body. I know it's scary to talk to someone about your feelings, but they really do sound like classic PND. It can get worse if you don't seek some sort of help. I hate that you're feeling so awful, I hope in time things will get better. I'm not a professional, but I was also 17 when I became a mother and if you need to talk feel free to PM me.


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## BabyCleo

I agree that it may be PND. I would talk to someone like your doctor or even your mum if you can. Sending love <3


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## MarissaLeigh

once you become pregnant, statutory rape is barely a concern anymore.
the main concern is the baby. 
you have a couple options:
1. get consent from your parents that its okay to be with him 
(itll keep him out of trouble if your parents allow you to be with him).
2. pretend you really don't know who it is, the state wont question you or test the baby if you don't want them to. its YOUR decision.
3. have one of your parents take you to court to get emancipated.
4. just tell them after you figure out exactly what you want to do, if they don't approve that's too bad because you're considered independent when you become pregnant.

this is what you should do now, have him or any older friend take you to the ER (not obgyn, er is faster) and tell them your symptoms, if any. they'll bring you back and ask if there is a possibility of pregnancy. say yes. they will test you and let yoy know, youll be in and out in no time. 
THEN if they say yes, you need to think about if you're keeping it or not.
if you decide to, then you need to grow up now, get your life together, start planning out for your child. 
if you keep the baby and need help, MESSAGE ME. ive been through this.
GL.


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## alibaba24

heatherr said:


> I am going to talk to my doctor about this. I am still nervous to admit this to someone in person, but I am tired of feeling this way. It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be.
> 
> I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do.
> 
> I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.

It is good your recognising that its not what you want. depression can lead people to make decisions they never would usually make, Definately after speaking with your doctor about it and giving yourself some time you will know better how you feel . doctors see this ALL THE TIME so don't feel strange about it. just be as honest as you can :hugs:


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## skyesmom

heatherr said:


> It does feel beyond my control right now - not my actions, but my emotions feel out of my control and like they don't change no matter what I do or how positive I try to be.
> 
> I have started to feel so overwhelmed that I have considered telling fob that us don't want to be a mom and that us want out and seeing if he'll let me back out now. But the rational part of me knows that is not what I want to do.
> 
> I'm mainly concerned because it keeps getting worse and not improving. That it the scariest part.

this is exactly how depression feels like: your own feelings being completely out of control, almost a separate entity from you that you neither can access really nor you can control, and whatever you do that usually made you happy, calmer, content and positive just doesn't work.

and the more you try to feel good, the worse it gets, and the harder it seems to control... PLUS, there's all the extra guilt you feel for NOT being happy and positive, and a general feeling of being a failure because of this as well. and helplessness, loads of helplessness.

but there is a way out i assure you. it is a phase and eventually it will end. no matter how scary it is and how impossible it feels that it will ever change, it doesn't last forever. and it will end quicker if you ask for help and talk to a professional. 

you're very smart and brave to keep away from any hard decision making during this process. the feeling of wanting out is normal when you're this down you know - every time my depression has gotten me, i felt like i wanted to end my relationship to the best person i've ever met in my life, because i couldn't feel a damn thing for him or anyone else - but i knew it wasn't what i really wanted. and when the depression phase would be over, i was so grateful for not taking that step.

the sooner you get the support, the better. your doctor is a professional and they won't judge you. like wookie said, it's just one of those things, it's not your fault or anything to be ashamed of. and most importantly - it can be treated and you can heal. this comes from someone who's been so deep down that hole to be suicidal for a while, from an undiagnosed and underestimated PND. but one doesn't need to come that far or wait that long to get some aid.

feel free to PM me if you wanna talk. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## wookie130

MarissaLeigh said:


> once you become pregnant, statutory rape is barely a concern anymore.
> the main concern is the baby.
> you have a couple options:
> 1. get consent from your parents that its okay to be with him
> (itll keep him out of trouble if your parents allow you to be with him).
> 2. pretend you really don't know who it is, the state wont question you or test the baby if you don't want them to. its YOUR decision.
> 3. have one of your parents take you to court to get emancipated.
> 4. just tell them after you figure out exactly what you want to do, if they don't approve that's too bad because you're considered independent when you become pregnant.
> 
> this is what you should do now, have him or any older friend take you to the ER (not obgyn, er is faster) and tell them your symptoms, if any. they'll bring you back and ask if there is a possibility of pregnancy. say yes. they will test you and let yoy know, youll be in and out in no time.
> THEN if they say yes, you need to think about if you're keeping it or not.
> if you decide to, then you need to grow up now, get your life together, start planning out for your child.
> if you keep the baby and need help, MESSAGE ME. ive been through this.
> GL.

She's had the baby, nearly 8 weeks ago. :wacko:


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## Madjackrabbit

Hi Heather,
I just wanted to lend my support and agree with the above posters - you are not a horrible person or a bad mother because of how you are feeling, and the feeling of guilt is something that many many people struggle with.

I went back to full time work when my son was 8 weeks old and from that experience I can say that the pressure of work or school on top of the post-partum hormones caused me to feel the same way - I felt like I was letting my family down and neglecting my baby. With a lot of support from my other half I stopped feeling so emotionally awful after a few weeks but I can't stress enough that if you cant speak with FOB or your family that you find a doctor or counsellor that you can ask for help from. They will be very used to helping with people suffering from feelings of guilt or sadness and I really hope you get a workable response from them.

In the meantime, please know that you're doing great, your daughter will be just fine and I'm sure as she starts to get more interactive you'll find it easier to connect - I didn't feel a close connection of sorts until my kiddo started laughing, then it was infectious and lovely. 

If you would like any of the tools I used to help ease the pressure of work + baby + insanity, please feel free to PM me :)

Huge hugs


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## heatherr

Now I've started having anxiety over things, such as driving. I get really nervous about doing things that used to not bother me. I don't know if the anxiety is related to the other stuff at all, but it's getting bad.


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## Eidson23

Depression and anxiety are often hand in hand. Please talk to your doctor they really will be able to help you.


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## KFrey

Hi Heather! 
It's been awhile since I have checked up on you but I still think about you and hope you are doing well :) It took me awhile to bond with my daughter too. Everyone is different... hang in there. I am 100% positive you will figure this all out. Having a baby is a huge adjustment and along with it comes a lot of emotions to sort out. 

Anyways, congrats on your bundle :) I bet she is beautiful.


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## wookie130

Heatherr, talk to your folks about seeing a doctor. You do NOT have to feel like this. It's not something easily managed without help, so do go talk to someone as soon as you're able. :hugs:


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## Srrme

heatherr said:


> Now I've started having anxiety over things, such as driving. I get really nervous about doing things that used to not bother me. I don't know if the anxiety is related to the other stuff at all, but it's getting bad.


It is related! I have anxiety, but it got very bad after I had my last son. :nope:


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## heatherr

I looked up a quiz regarding postpartum depression and it actually mentions depression & anxiety, so I know that is the reason for my anxiety too. I've never had anxiety issues before. I scored a 25 out of 27 on the scale based on my answers. Obviously it's just an online indicator to help you realize if what you're feeling might be an issue,not an actual diagnosis. But that has convinced me that there must be something wrong. Yesterday I told fob about the anxiety attack I had while driving. I was only driving across town, maybe 30 minutes, and I could only make it half way and had to turn around and go home because I couldn't even drive on the road. He also thinks I need to talk to a doctor. My anxiety is preventing me from calling. I am going to talk to my parents tonight. I know I sound like a baby, but I might need my mom to actually call the doctor and make an appointment because I just get too nervous to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's like I'm so anxious and nervous about everything lately and I never used to be like this. It's becoming really debilitating as far as a lot of every day tasks go.


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## wookie130

Definitely have your mom do it. There's no shame in it, whatsoever. No offense, but from my rather "mature" (lol...I'm almost 37!!!) vantage point, I still view someone in your age group "a kid", and there would be nothing wierd or wrong with your mom making the phone call. My mom was calling the doctor for me until I was 20ish, I think. I actually can't remember. That now feels like a few thousand years ago. :rofl: But yeah, you don't have to keep feeling this way. Do what you have to do for you, and for your baby. Things will start to feel better and different once the professionals figure out how to get things under control for you.


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## skyesmom

heatherr, also phone anxiety is a part of depression, don't feel stupid or immature for asking your mom to call a doctor for you. also, online test is not a diagnostic tool but it is a good indicator, especially with that kind of high-end score you got.

and anxiety can interfere with so many everyday things, that are usually banalities that you don't even think of when you feel good. i once had a day where i couldn't leave my room. i had anxiety over exiting the flat. i never had that before or after that single isolated episode. i had to call my OH to get home from work as soon as possible and get me out lol. 

also, one of my dearest friends has depression and anxiety and i regularly call up doctors, public offices and even order food for her, as she can't bear talking on the phone (she's in her 30ies mind you!). she usually texts me and then i do. nothing shameful, not a big deal for me, and a massive relief for her.

and actually - talking to your parents and asking your mom to call is a VERY mature thing to do - it is dealing with your issue the best you can. also opening up to the fob about it is a great and brave move! good luck, i keep my fingers crossed for you :hugs:


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## LittleLala

I agree completely with what skyesmom has just said. It's mature that you're going to talk to your mum about it and try to tackle this situation. 
I'm 25 and I still make all the phone calls for my twin sister because she becomes too anxious. She's been sick for a while now and hasn't gone to a dr appointment yet because I haven't been able to come with her! So don't feel alone or immature, lots of people older than you struggle with daily tasks due to anxiety.


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## Topanga053

heatherr said:


> Thanks for all of your replies. Makes me not feel so bad about the way I'm feeling, or maybe I should say the way I'm not feeling. Sometimes when she is with me I wonder if I have what it takes to be a mom. I feel bad that I'm happy she is not with me the majority of the time. I worry that by saying this people will get the wrong idea about what I'm saying, but I hope not. In no way do I want to hurt or or anything. I love her, but I feel like I'm babysitting somebody else's baby at the same time. I will probably have her during the day all summer long because that just makes the most sense. I hope that will help improve things. I know it sounds so bad, but I'm thinking there goes my summer vacation....I think I'm turning out to be a horrible parent and I don't deserve her. It's weird because when she was in the hospital I went to see her everyday and spent most of the day there constantly, and now that she's home I feel disconnected???

Heather, I'm in a very different position than you. I'm 28 now. I was 25 when my husband and I started trying to get pregnant and we'd been married for four years. I had a miscarriage before I finally got pregnant with my daughter and she was very, very much wanted. I had cried for years, hoping to get pregnant, so the pregnancy was heaven for me.

So I was surprised when I had a hard time connecting with her. I will never forget in the hospital right after the birth when they put LO in my arms and--because I was so tired and sore and out of my mind--I remember so strongly wanting to just throw her down on the floor. That sounds so awful saying it even now. I didn't, of course, but I did hand her back to my husband because I was so scared how strong that impulse was. it went away, thank God, but the bonding was slow coming. I had PND For awhile myself (I think I started feeling normal around 8 weeks when I went back to work). 

For me, having balance in my life was important. I love LO to pieces now, but I needed to go back to work and have date nights with my husband and see my friends. I used to feel bad and be TERRIFIED that the fact that I was so happy away from her meant that I was not a good mother. I kept thinking that I bet a lot of my friends didn't feel that way, so I must be the worst mother in the world. Eventually, I just learned to accept that that's who I am. I love my daughter and I would give her the world (a lot of people tell me I'm a wonderful mother, which is funny, since I doubted myself so much internally!), but I also need time apart from her. That doesn't make you a bad mom; it makes you human.

Also, it has been easier for me to bond with her as she gets older and can interact with me more. A newborn can't do anything. She's not smiling at you or giggling or playing peek a boo with you. She's just there and needs stuff from you, without being able to give anything back. Eventually that balance will shift and she'll be able to start giving you feedback. For me, the laughter and the tickling and the games really helped me bond more with LO. I love her way more now at 15 months than I did when she was first born. Maybe that's awful to admit, but it's true.

Relatedly, I think it's awful the unbelievable pressure we put on moms to LOOOVE every second of motherhood. But the hidden secret is that most of us don't. It's hard work. And there are tantrums and dirty diapers and late nights and not enough support. Never mind being a teenage mother at the same time.

So be patient with yourself, love yourself, and trust that you're being a good enough mother. The bonding will come in time, if you want to keep working at it. But give yourself time.



heatherr said:


> I know I sound like a baby, but I might need my mom to actually call the doctor and make an appointment because I just get too nervous to do it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's like I'm so anxious and nervous about everything lately and I never used to be like this. It's becoming really debilitating as far as a lot of every day tasks go.

HAHAHA :haha: No, I get it! It's not related to depression or PND (neither of which I have right now), but I have terrible anxiety when it comes to making phone calls. It's so stupid, but I always have. I'm a working professional (I'm a lawyer) and I Hate hate hate making phone calls. Thank goodness I can have my secretary make a lot of work calls for me. And at home, I make my husband do almost all of the phone calls. :haha: I just figure that some people have different talents. I've accepted that i'm just not comfortable making phone calls, so I have others do that for me and I try to do other tasks in return! So don't worry about it and do whatever you need to do to get that appointment made and start getting the help you need!


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## wookie130

^^^WSS x 8,000!!!!!

*slow claps*


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## heatherr

Topanga053 said:


> Relatedly, I think it's awful the unbelievable pressure we put on moms to LOOOVE every second of motherhood. But the hidden secret is that most of us don't. It's hard work. And there are tantrums and dirty diapers and late nights and not enough support. Never mind being a teenage mother at the same time.
> 
> So be patient with yourself, love yourself, and trust that you're being a good enough mother. The bonding will come in time, if you want to keep working at it. But give yourself time.

YES! I think this is SO true. I have felt this pressure and not just directly from people I know. That's just how it's portrayed everywhere - like you just give birth to this human and suddenly you just love every minute of it and if you don't then something is wrong with you. And I think I have especially felt an extra sense of pressure because of the entire situation, as if I had to prove I could be a good mother. There is this feeling that being a good mother = loving every single second of motherhood. 

Also as far as the anxiety I'm experiencing, I also think it is in part just due to feeling overwhelmed by this major change in my life. I feel like there is a pressure to suddenly become a fully formed adult because I'm now a parent. I went from being a 17 year old who never even had a job before to feeling like overnight I had to become a relatively self-sufficient adult and do everything for myself. I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else?? And I wonder how fob can even put up with me. I end up feeling bad for him and never wanting to face him again for as long as I live. He offered to keep her this coming weekend if I didn't want to. That makes me feel guilty because he deserves to have a life too. He probably thinks I'm going to murder our child now. 

I talked to my mom today and admitted everything I've been feeling. It turned into a big tear fest. My mom is going to call the doctor tomorrow morning. I know in reality this isn't my fault that I feel this way, but I still feel like I'm letting my parents down even more by getting myself into this situation and then not even being able to handle it.


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## OnErth&InHvn

heatherr said:


> He probably thinks I'm going to murder our child now.

Please dont think that way. :hugs:


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## more babies

I've been following but haven't posted but when it comes to PND I think people need as much support as possible. I got pregnant at 16. FOB wanted nothing to do with the situation and basically slowly disappeared. I accepted it and moved forward. The day my water broke my first thought was honestly my life is officially over. Horrible I know but I was only 16 and had no idea what things would be like with a baby and still living at home with my parents and being a single mom. I didn't know it at the time but I suffered bad with PND right away. I actually didn't realized I had it until I came out of it almost a year later. I was a completely different person for almost a year. It's honestly hard to remember a lot of it since it was nearly 13 years ago but I spent that whole summer taking care of my daughter then went back to senior year of high school in September. Mentally it was hard, very hard. To go to school and be a kid then come home and be a mom all at 17. I actually ended up moving out on my own with my now husband at 19 and had my second daughter at 20 and became a stay at home mom. I didn't suffer PND with her. I just had my son at 28 and have suffered with extreme PND from minutes of giving birth to him. I instantly wanted nothing to do with him because it was too overwhelming for me. Crazy right considering this was my third child and really the only planned one yet the thought of taking care of him if he cried was too much to handle. Thank goodness my husband stayed with me at the hospital the entire time and was amazing with him. Honestly though every time he cried and my husband had him I just rolled over in the bed facing away from them and tried to block it all out. Two days later we went home and within a few minute of being home I just burst into tears and completely lost it for no reason. My husband of course was completely confused because he had no idea what was going on. I just kept telling myself that those first few months are the most difficult and I know I never liked the newborn stage with my girls so I just needed to make it past that and everything would be fine. So I lied and said I was fine and lied on the PND questionnaire at my doctors office even though had I answered honestly it would have screamed PND. I wasn't bonding with my son like I felt like I should have been and I couldn't understand why I was finding taking care of him so difficult especially since I had done this all before at 16 and 20. My PND with my first wasn't the same as with my son. Anyways after I few months went by I finally opened up to my husband and that definitely helped to make me feel less alone but things were still very difficult. One my son became more interactive I did start bonding with him and it has grown stronger every day. Along with my girls he is what keeps me happy. I'll admit I never went and got help even though I know it's PND. My son will be 2 in July and I'm still not past it. There are a lot of other stressors that I think have kept it going on for this long but I do wish I had just gotten help or spoken up right away when I knew something wasn't right. Like I said I knew something was off within minutes of having my son. I've tried to deal with it on my own and at times hasn't been fair on my husband or my kids because my unhappiness effects everyone in the family. Don't feel stupid for having your mother call for you. I'll be 30 soon and like I said have attempted to deal with this on my own knowing what the problem is because talking about myself to doctors makes me so uncomfortable. So good for you for being able to talk to your mother about it and if that gets you the help you need then really that's all that matters. I'm working my way of out mine and like I said I have a lot of other high stress issues going on but don't let it linger for this long like I have. And please please don't feel bad for anything it makes you think or feel. It sounds like you're doing a great job! It's not easy and especially not the newborn phase. I promise you once you are able to interact with your daughter it'll make it easier to connect with her and then she will hit milestone after milestone and it'll just fly by. It will come. Not everyone enjoys those newborn stages even if they're happy and in the ideal situation and not suffering from PND. Good luck and lots of :hugs: :hugs:


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## skyesmom

heatherr said:


> I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else??

hon, i'm 33 and i lived away from my parents for the past 15 years (overseas for most of those), yet when i visit my mom, she still makes me breakfast and comes to wake me up in the morning, just like when i was a kid. she'll still buy me the same little mommy presents as when i was a teen or college student studying abroad: nice fresh socks and underwear and all those sorts of stuff. she even buys that now for my OH as well, as she says he's her son too! 
it's not a fact of being immature or incapable of getting ourselves something, it's our ritual and our way to say we care. you're always gonna be their child, no matter how old you are and how old they are. adults are someone's children, too (i don't know how close your grandparents are, but check them and your parents out and you'll get what i mean!). 

accepting their help and care is not a sign of being an immature child. it's not like you have to refuse having your parent's love and care now that you're a parent yourself, neither they have to lose their 17 year old teen daughter just because you have a daughter of your own. 

i 100% agree with Topanga on the pressure of the perfect motherhood the western culture imposes (it's not the same everywhere around the world i assure you) - and as you said, in your case you feel it even more because you feel you need to "prove" you can be a mom. 
the thing is - you've already proved that, every single day ever since finding out you were pregnant. being a perfect parent is impossible - simply because we're human - which doesn't mean that anything else means "horrible". Parenting is a JOB, the toughest job ever, and as every job it has its ups and downs and things you love and the things you hate.
the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them. and ultimately, it is the latter that counts, right?

i am so proud of you that you talked to your mom and that you're getting help. :thumbup: it will be better. you're already taking huge steps in that direction, even though to you they may seem tiny. 

also, don't feel guilty if your OH offers to have Gabriella over the weekend sometimes. he's not alone on his own at his place, and if it helps you to recover a bit, it is the best for everybody. he may even feel guilty himself for putting you in this situation and all that. 

:hugs:


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## susannah14

Another one here who has read the entire thread but not posted yet. Just didn't feel I had anything helpful to add until now.

You're doing the right thing by facing the situation, getting help and talking to your parents about it. But I also want you to know that what you're feeling is way more common than you think. When I had my first, I was 27, married for 5 years, and I COULD. NOT. BOND. with my son. For a good few months I felt like I was babysitting someone else's child. I didn't feel like a mother. I wasn't myself. My husband would come home from work and I would hand my son to him without a word and go upstairs. It was awful.

But it got slowly better. I don't think I had PND, just a mild case of post-baby blues and I never saw a doctor for it, but it got better on its own. As my son got older, it was easier to bond with him. He's now 2.5 and he's the most AMAZING little person and I'm completely totally utterly in love. I'm just saying that it's normal for the love to take time, it's normal to not feel like a mother the second your baby comes out, and it's normal to need help. Please don't feel guilty about it. You have come a LONG way since your first post, don't forget that. You should be so proud of yourself.


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## Topanga053

heatherr said:


> YES! I think this is SO true. I have felt this pressure and not just directly from people I know. That's just how it's portrayed everywhere - like you just give birth to this human and suddenly you just love every minute of it and if you don't then something is wrong with you. And I think I have especially felt an extra sense of pressure because of the entire situation, as if I had to prove I could be a good mother. There is this feeling that being a good mother = loving every single second of motherhood.

Oh absolutely. The media and Facebook are terrible about that. I admit, I was guilty of it too. We post these pictures of ourselves with our newborns and gush about how amazing it is, but we're not honest publicly about the hard parts. The PND, the lack of bonding, the late nights, the diapers, the fights with our significant others. And so like anything else, because we only show the _happy_ parts publicly, we think that everyone around us is blissfully happy with their kids, so there must be something _wrong_ with us if we're not happy all of the time. It's a lie, and it's a really damaging one. I think we're only hurting each other and future mothers by not being honest about what a difficult journey motherhood can be. The more we are ALL honest, the less we will think that we're alone or believe that if we're struggling, it must be because we are bad mothers.



heatherr said:


> Also as far as the anxiety I'm experiencing, I also think it is in part just due to feeling overwhelmed by this major change in my life. I feel like there is a pressure to suddenly become a fully formed adult because I'm now a parent. I went from being a 17 year old who never even had a job before to feeling like overnight I had to become a relatively self-sufficient adult and do everything for myself. I mean, my mom still packs my school lunches! Then when I start thinking about that sort of thing I start second guessing being a parent again and I start telling myself she'd be better off without me as a parent because obviously I'm still a child and how am I supposed to be trusted to be responsible for somebody else??

I think this makes PERFECT sense! :hugs: Again, I was not *not* a teenage mother, but even with a stable marriage, a good income, and a planned pregnancy, I STILL struggled to adjust to the sudden change of having a baby. I can only imagine how it feels to try to do that when you are 17 years old. I think you need to give yourself a lot of credit for all that you've done so far and how mature you are for your age. You are young, but you are clearly already far more mature than a lot of people who are a lot older than you (trust me-- I know a lot of older parents who are not as mature or thoughtful as you are!). Give yourself credit for that. You do not have to do everything all at once. Do whatever you can, when you can, and forgive yourself the rest.


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## Topanga053

skyesmom said:


> the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them.

I think this is SO true!! If I were asked about my own mother, I would say that she is the best mother ever. She is warm, loving, a great listener, always played with me, taught me a lot, gave me great advice, and was just generally my best friend for most of my life. I couldn't possibly imagine a better mom than her.

After I had LO, I was talking to my mom about my struggles and feeling like I was not a good enough mom (specifically, that I could never be as good of a mom as she was to me) and she opened up to me about her own experiences as my mother. She told me that when she was pregnant with me she was scared because her mom was so distant that she didn't think she "knew" how to be a good mother. She didn't think she was capable of being a good mother because she never had what she considered as a strong role model. 

But seriously, she is the BEST mother ever!!! So really, I think we doubt ourselves and worry that we're not able to be "good enough" mothers, but most of us turn out to be exactly the mothers that our children need. :hugs:


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## skyesmom

Topanga053 said:


> Oh absolutely. The media and Facebook are terrible about that. I admit, I was guilty of it too. We post these pictures of ourselves with our newborns and gush about how amazing it is, but we're not honest publicly about the hard parts. The PND, the lack of bonding, the late nights, the diapers, the fights with our significant others. And so like anything else, because we only show the _happy_ parts publicly, we think that everyone around us is blissfully happy with their kids, so there must be something _wrong_ with us if we're not happy all of the time. It's a lie, and it's a really damaging one. I think we're only hurting each other and future mothers by not being honest about what a difficult journey motherhood can be. The more we are ALL honest, the less we will think that we're alone or believe that if we're struggling, it must be because we are bad mothers.

so so true, especially in the western culture. southern / southeastern Europe is a tad more honest and direct about this, i guess they don't censor themselves as much on the hard things.

...and how your kids view you, well.. check this out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLRs29PmOmg


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## susannah14

Topanga053 said:


> skyesmom said:
> 
> 
> the thing is - moms always have much worse impressions of themselves as mothers, than as their own kids perceive them.
> 
> I think this is SO true!! If I were asked about my own mother, I would say that she is the best mother ever. She is warm, loving, a great listener, always played with me, taught me a lot, gave me great advice, and was just generally my best friend for most of my life. I couldn't possibly imagine a better mom than her.
> 
> After I had LO, I was talking to my mom about my struggles and feeling like I was not a good enough mom (specifically, that I could never be as good of a mom as she was to me) and she opened up to me about her own experiences as my mother. She told me that when she was pregnant with me she was scared because her mom was so distant that she didn't think she "knew" how to be a good mother. She didn't think she was capable of being a good mother because she never had what she considered as a strong role model.
> 
> But seriously, she is the BEST mother ever!!! So really, I think we doubt ourselves and worry that we're not able to be "good enough" mothers, but most of us turn out to be exactly the mothers that our children need. :hugs:Click to expand...

This is really sweet :flower:

When I was pregnant with my first, my mom was reminiscing over the birth of her first child (my brother), and she said to me, "You won't BELIEVE how much you will love that child." So when I didn't feel that gigantic rush of love, I felt terrible. I wish I'd known that it was normal for love to take time too. For her it was right away, for me it wasn't. I hadn't heard any stories of mothers who had difficulties bonding. I just thought, what kind of mother doesn't want to hold her own kid? Now I know better. And I think it's important to talk about.


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## heatherr

Well at least now I realize I'm not such a freak for feeling the way I have been. I still feel bad about it, but it's nice to hear others admit things too, so thanks. I read through everyone's replies, but I'm about to run out to watch my sister's volleyball game and don't have time to individually quote everything. 

My mom just called me from work to tell me she talked to my doctor and they can get me in next Monday, so I'll let everyone know how it goes. I'm just going to try to not dwell on all of it until then.


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## Feronia

:hugs: :hugs: I'm so glad you're going in next Monday. A lot of people have said some wonderful things already, but I'll reiterate: you are SO not a freak for feeling the way you do. There is definite pressure to feel like the perfect mother and to love your baby 100% from the start and love motherhood at all times. That's just not how it is in reality, even when the baby was planned and very much wanted.

When I was pregnant with my first, a friend at work admitted to me that she didn't love her son for the first 3 months. That made me feel a lot less pressure as a first time mother to do everything and feel everything perfectly. After my second, I experienced some awful post-partum anxiety for a little bit, and I'm not an anxious person at all! These hormones are crazy, it's not your fault in the least. I'm so glad you aren't blaming yourself and that you're seeking some help!


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## heatherr

I met with my doctor yesterday and they did a physical exam and took some blood work to see if my thyroid could be playing any roll in how I'm feeling. They said that sometimes thyroid problems can first come about during pregnancy or after childbirth. They don't think that's the main thing going on, but they just want to make sure there is nothing wrong there. It'll be a few days before we get the results back. 

I scored pretty high on the postpartum depression questionnaire they did with me. they HIGHLY recommend that I do counseling, for a minimum of at least 6 months. My doctor really wants to prescribe anti-depressants, but we're going to wait for me to meet with a mental health professional first and see what the best course of treatment would be. 

I feel like my mom doesn't believe any of this. I don't know if she really thinks I'm making it up, but she's acting as if everyone is just blowing things out of proportion and there is really nothing wrong with me.


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## Eidson23

I'm happy you're seeking treatment! My mother has ALWAYS been like that. She thinks mental health disorders are just an excuse and people who suffer from them are just weak. But when she saw how badly I was suffering from anxiety in high school it opened her eyes a lot. Sometimes it's hard for parents to think that there could be something seriously wrong with their children. Not to mention I remember you saying you have a good life and loving parents and private school, so it may be hard for her to see you have all these things so why would you be unhappy? Unfortunately, when chemicals start getting imbalanced in your brain you could have everything in the world and still be depressed. I hope things start looking up for you!


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## Desi's_lost

There are times..most times.. That I can't walk down the street alone when there aren't other people out because I'm afraid something to the tune of a zombie apocalypse will start. I can't stay in my own basement for more than about five minutes without being certain a monster will jump out and kill me so I go about my laundry for as long as I can and hope that I can finish my business before the anxiety takes over and I flee in terror. It sounds stupid. Even I know it's stupid but those feelings are REAL for me and they make life very difficult. My mother thinks I'm just an immature kid. Even my OH has limited patience because they just don't get it. Don't let your mom sway you from getting help. I've wasted most of my life struggling with everyday tasks because everyone around me told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and I'm just now getting help and I regret it very much.


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## skyesmom

i think it's hard for a parent to grasp that their child can have a mental illness/ disorder. i mean, just writing or saying it sounds like something horrible and incurable and to be ashamed of, unfortunately there is this stigma on depression that is still present in our society. we're all supposed to feel instantly happy, with big (fake) smiles on our faces no matter what.

but if the brain chemistry is OFF because hello, you just had a baby at 17, and you're a cocktail of hormones even without the additional pressure of your age and all that you feel you have to prove, it is NOT your fault and it is something very very REAL. 

but because it's invisible (except for your behavior and how you feel), people struggle to acknowledge it and accept it. i think there's more empathy to someone with a broken leg or arm than to someone with depression.

my mom struggled with accepting mine and i think she never really grasped it, this is one thing i actually don't mention to her anymore as she can't deal with it and ends up saying stupid stuff without really meaning it (and then apologizing later). 
i think she can't really deal with the fact that her baby might be "off the hook" in some way, let alone suicidal (i think admitting such thing to a parent is just one of those things that are too much for them to handle, at least at the beginning).

give her time. she'll have to come to terms with it. try not to take it against her (easier said than done!). she agreed to taking you to see a therapist as your doctor recommended, right?

EDIT: and once more, thanks for sharing your story with us :hugs:


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## heatherr

I think all of you areright - it's just hard for parents to admit that something could be wrong with their child and there is definitely stigma against mental issues. 

If I was making this up for some reason, I think I would have been telling tons of people just to get attention or sympathy. In fact, I think one reason she's having a hard time accepting that this could really be happening to me is because I have been keeping it secret from everyone. I had mentioned feeling sad and having a hard time bonding with my daughter/feeling like she was somebody else's child I was just babysitting. But my mom said that was probably normal to start with, especially given the circumstances of the situation. I mean, I believed that too for a while. It was never anything I went into a lot of detail about because I was ashamed of how I felt. It's one reason I wasn't updating on here because I didn't have the energy to write a bunch of lies and pretend like I was loving being a mom, but I didn't want to tell the truth either. So, I guess when I think about it, this is pretty new information to my mom. 

She is also mad because she wants me to be closer to her and share things with her, but I keep a lot of stuff really private. I think she is still mad that I never told her I was even having sex. I feel like I am close to my family, but I have a hard time speaking about some things with them. I feel like they expect me to be a certain way and I really want to please them, so it's why I never told her I was having sex or that I felt this bad, etc. Whether she realizes it or not, my mom is very image-conscious. Sometimes I have a hard time talking to her about problems because I'm worried she's more concerned about how it makes me and us look to outside people. I think she feels like anything that is wrong with me is seen as a reflection of her or her parenting.


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## skyesmom

i could have written what you've just written about me and my mom when i was your age. she was also getting mad and was disappointed if i didn't share my stuff with her, but when i did she made scenes and couldn't accept what i was telling her (having sex was one of those - i was 18 and a half so not crazy stuff like being 12 and dating a 30 year old). then i stopped talking to her out of that reason and got pretty distant for some years (not like, not talking at all but no intimate talks), and then somehow when i was 24 we started stitching our relationship up and we eventually healed it completely (except for that depression topic and ehm... sex details, i think we can pretty much talk about anything).

but it was TOUGH. the toughest part was for her to accept that she couldn't be a mom AND a best friend, as much as she wanted to, because she couldn't stop herself from judging and making drama if it wasn't how SHE has imagined me to be or things to be. But she eventually accepted that i was a person of my own and that i had my own choices and she even admitted that she tried to "correct" her mistakes through me. that alone changed A LOT. she also changed a lot as a person, became way less judgmental and perfectionist OC freak. i'm actually very proud of her for that! not everyone can change their ways, in their 20s let alone in their 50s!

maybe try telling her that you'd tell her more if she judged you less.


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## redneckhippy

I want to second what everyone is saying about how normal PND is. My son could not have been more planned or wanted. We went through IVF twice to get him. But I still got really depressed and anxious after he was born. I remember just holding him staring of blankly into space and times at night when he was screaming in his crib and I was just standing there next to the crib sobbing, knowing I needed to feed him, but just not able to do it quite yet. It was really hard. Several friends from my birth class had their babies around the same time so everyone was posting all the happy baby pictures on FB and I felt like I was the only one feeling that way, but the truth was I was posting the same pictures. Recently I went on a walk with a few of the girls and as we were talking it turns out they also delt with depression. FB just makes us think that everyone else is perfect. Now things are a lot better. But it's important to get help because if you don't it will just get worse and worse.


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## BabyCleo

Hey! - Popping back in :) 

I developed a thyroid issue during pregnancy, at 7 weeks they caught it. I had severe anxiety before then. I also had to see a mental health therapist, she deals with pregnancy related women and depression. she has been wonderful! Im on a close watch for PND as I ready have those issues. I would invite your mum to sit in on one of your sessions. It may help her bond more with you, and get to hear a professional confirm that you aren't making this up. :hugs:


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## Kristalebear1

I've followed your thread for sometime but just now posting. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, I honestly believe it stems from being bullied so severely in school growing up that now I'm afraid of doing things and getting ridiculed. The feelings I feel are very real, walking down the street by myself for instance I think everyone is judging me "she's fat, she shouldn't wear that, what's wrong with her" even though I know hardly anyone cares.. I have been called fat by a car passing once its funny though because I WAS walking, and it hurt at first it stung but I let it go. I still feel people judge me, I'm afraid to play sports (P.E used to terrify me when I was I school and id constantly forge notes to get out of it) I'm afraid because I think people will make fun of me. I have a hard time working and holding down jobs because everyday going to work is like talking myself into getting up, and talking myself out of a panic attack. It is so hard to never feel good enough, never feel confidant I am doing my job right, etc. I am actually glad I was on a no work order from my OB and after the babies here i will be a sahm.. But I have dreams. I want to graduate college, I want to work in a field where I can help people who feel the way I do, better yet help children who felt the way I did growing up. I had extremely hard times making friends as I was teased, and very shy, because of that to this day my social life suffers. I sometimes have panic attacks walking my dog. Luckily I have an amazing OH who understands, my mom is getting there I think she feels she's to blame for it and she's not. 

I am just now getting help, and will have a full work up done after I have the baby. I know my anxiety issues, panic attacks, and paranoia may seem imaginary to so.e but they are very very real for me. I also have suffered with bouts of depression caused by my anxiety, my inability to hold a proper social life, hold a job longer than a few months, my inability to cope in new situations, I can't even order pizza in the phone as I can't breathe when talking to a stranger. 

It is a very gold thing you are getting the help you need, its not your fault you feel this way, you have no control over it, and with time and proper treatment it will work out. I hope your mom comes around to being more supportive. My issues may not be caused by PND but just like PND its not something chosen, its something that exists and effects everyone who has it differently.


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## MommaAlexis

Something that Ive found very important - anyone elses opinion on your mental health won't change your mental health. If you feel something is wrong, its because something is wrong. So, maybe be sensitive to what she gets told but dont lessen your help for her benefit. My mother and I can't talk about my mental health at all. She blames me and says I never tried to get better when I was younger, she doesnt really get that THATS what was wrong. I couldn't get help. lol.


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## wookie130

Perhaps the mental health professional could speak with your mother once you see her/him...PND is completely common, and even more so in your particular age group. Perhaps in her generation, it was referred to as "the baby blues" or some other thing, but it's real, and it's triggered by hormones and actual chemical imbalances in the brain. I hope the psych does get to speak with your mom, and tries to let her know that this is a treatable, real condition, and that getting help does HELP. :hugs:


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## Turtle0630

Hope you had a nice mother's day, Heather! :flower:


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## heatherr

Thanks Turtle0630. My Mother's Day was nice. It felt very weird to me, sort of uncomfortable to be a mom this time. 

I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately, everybody. I've been really busy. I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression and have been seeing a psychologist who specializes in post natal issues. She further diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety. She is 45 minutes away. I've already had a few panic attacks driving to her office. I never had panic attacks before and I was never nervous about driving. I am just fed up with this. 

I am going to be on some meds for now to help me in combination with other treatment, but hopefully I won't have to take this stuff for long. I have not noticed a huge difference yet.
I've had to play catch up at school because for a few weeks I just couldn't focus or absorb anything.

But overall I feel really positive about it all. Now that I've actually told people and professionals are helping me I feel a huge weight lifted. 

Gabriella turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe she's almost 3 months old. I have still been taking her on weekends. She likes her dad more than me. She obviously is more bonded to him. I'm sure she can tell how I feel. Even if we're with her at the same time she will turn to look at it all the time and pays no attention to me, unless she realizes I'm holding her and he's across the room where she can hear him talking and then she cries until I give her to him. When she is at my house and he's not around she does better with me, I guess because she somehow realizes he's not there so she has no choice. He feels very guilty or responsible for how I feel. But he's been the most understanding person so far and I think I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else.

I have more to put here, but I'm out of time for now.


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## missk1989

heatherr said:


> Thanks Turtle0630. My Mother's Day was nice. It felt very weird to me, sort of uncomfortable to be a mom this time.
> 
> I'm sorry for the lack of updates lately, everybody. I've been really busy. I was officially diagnosed with postpartum depression and have been seeing a psychologist who specializes in post natal issues. She further diagnosed me with postpartum anxiety. She is 45 minutes away. I've already had a few panic attacks driving to her office. I never had panic attacks before and I was never nervous about driving. I am just fed up with this.
> 
> I am going to be on some meds for now to help me in combination with other treatment, but hopefully I won't have to take this stuff for long. I have not noticed a huge difference yet.
> I've had to play catch up at school because for a few weeks I just couldn't focus or absorb anything.
> 
> But overall I feel really positive about it all. Now that I've actually told people and professionals are helping me I feel a huge weight lifted.
> 
> Gabriella turns 11 weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe she's almost 3 months old. I have still been taking her on weekends. She likes her dad more than me. She obviously is more bonded to him. I'm sure she can tell how I feel. Even if we're with her at the same time she will turn to look at it all the time and pays no attention to me, unless she realizes I'm holding her and he's across the room where she can hear him talking and then she cries until I give her to him. When she is at my house and he's not around she does better with me, I guess because she somehow realizes he's not there so she has no choice. He feels very guilty or responsible for how I feel. But he's been the most understanding person so far and I think I talk to him more than I talk to anyone else.
> 
> I have more to put here, but I'm out of time for now.

Please dont feel you must apologise for not updating. Whilst it is nice to hear how you are getting on you have your life to get on with and i'm sure everyone understands that. :flower:


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## chistiana

I m so glad you re getting this sorted. Well done and I m sure you lol feel better real soon. It takes some time for medication to build up and have an effect so don't get discouraged.


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## skyesmom

thanks for the update Heatherr! It also takes a bit to find out what is the best medication combination for you, it's not like prescribing paracetamol for fever and it works for 99.99% of people.

glad to hear that you got some relief now and that people understand and support you.. especially glad that the FOB is very understanding and that you two can talk about everything. that's a huge treasure that not all the "official" or "standard" couples enjoy. 

kudos to both of you for how you're doing all of this! i'm super proud of you!


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## OnErth&InHvn

She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings. 
She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.

Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help. 

Im glad youre getting help.


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## heatherr

OnErth&InHvn said:


> She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings.
> She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.
> 
> Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help.
> 
> Im glad youre getting help.

I know she can't understand it or think the thoughts I think she does, but I feel like she must be able to pick up on my mood and feelings.

I do spend one on one time with her. She stays with me at my house every weekend and he is not here during that time. Usually Fri & Saturday nights and then she goes back to his place on Sunday evening. I don't let me parents take care of her. Well, I let them take care of her to the extent that any grandparent would, but that's it.

Although, he has offered to keep her over the weekend if I don't feel like I can handle it. Both he and my dad treat me like I'm going to have a mental breakdown or something. I don't think I'm that bad! But I have continued to keep her on the weekends because I feel it's important. It's not like I hate being with her or taking care of her or anything like that.

This weekend the weather is supposed to be really nice, sunny and in the mid 70s. Fob's dad has a big sailboat, so we're going to the lake and taking her for her first boat ride on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.


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## alibaba24

heatherr said:


> OnErth&InHvn said:
> 
> 
> She doesnt know how you feel, she doesnt understand those thoughts or feelings.
> She is more bonded only because she is with him more but she still knows you are her mom.
> 
> Can you spend just one on one time with her and not with dad? That could help.
> 
> Im glad youre getting help.
> 
> I know she can't understand it or think the thoughts I think she does, but I feel like she must be able to pick up on my mood and feelings.
> 
> I do spend one on one time with her. She stays with me at my house every weekend and he is not here during that time. Usually Fri & Saturday nights and then she goes back to his place on Sunday evening. I don't let me parents take care of her. Well, I let them take care of her to the extent that any grandparent would, but that's it.
> 
> Although, he has offered to keep her over the weekend if I don't feel like I can handle it. Both he and my dad treat me like I'm going to have a mental breakdown or something. I don't think I'm that bad! But I have continued to keep her on the weekends because I feel it's important. It's not like I hate being with her or taking care of her or anything like that.
> 
> This weekend the weather is supposed to be really nice, sunny and in the mid 70s. Fob's dad has a big sailboat, so we're going to the lake and taking her for her first boat ride on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it.Click to expand...


that sounds really positive Heather. Its so good to see an update. I am sure Gabriella will love being on the boat you must take photos of her first boat ride!Babies are funny little things. my daughter who loves my family went through a phase of not wanting to be held by anyone apart from me. she was around 10 months then I think. she is still funny now at 14 months! they just get used to people so even though my little one knew my family she still wanted to just be with the one person. they go through all sorts of changes preferences and what not. we as parents just have to roll with it lol! there is MANY threads on here from upset mothers who's child prefers there daddy even though the mother is doing all the care etc. Its the joys I hope you have a great weekend


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## heatherr

We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement. 
It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed. 

At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends. 

It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.


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## missk1989

heatherr said:


> We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement.
> It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed.
> 
> At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends.
> 
> It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.

Remember he is a bit older than you and he was never in doubt of his role in the same way. He didnt have to figure out what he wanted to do with all those crazy hormones in his body and watch his body change without being able to control it. Give yourself a chance. :flower:


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## more babies

Number one you're dealing with PPD and he is not. Also, it may be good for you to have her more often then not then you would get to be more comfortable with her but also still have that mental break on the weekends. It would give you more time to bond with her and get into your own routine with her. Also, she's getting older and she's right at that point where I think things get a little more fun. She will start hitting milestones and become so much more interactive. Even just something as simple as you being able to make her laugh can have huge effects. I've posted once on here but just to say it again I have 3 kids and was not a fan of the baby stage with any of them and least of all with the only one of them that was truly planned. But once you can really interact with them and like I said they start hitting milestone and doing more it really changes a lot. Not saying there still aren't hard days but it's SO much better then the infant stage. It feels like it starts to go by so much faster once they start hitting milestones especially once they're moving around. You can get into the excitement of it all watching them try to learn and master new things and it gets better and better as it goes along. Please don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing great and you are definitely not alone!! :hug:


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## OnErth&InHvn

Heather-
try having her for 1 week at a time and see how it goes. Dont commit to all summer...just take it 1 at a time. Maybe even an extra day on your weekend working up to the week. 

You can do this!


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## Peanutt

heatherr said:


> We are currently trying to figure out what we're going to do over the summer. Right now Gabriella is taken care of by 2 friends/relatives during the day Mon-Fri, but it's not really a long term arrangement.
> It makes the most sense for her to be with me during the days. If that's the case, then it also just makes more sense for her to stay at my house Monday through Friday instead of him having to drop her off and pick her up every day. It scares me. I feel like no matter how I explain it, I will always come off as selfish or like I just don't want to deal with her, but that's not it. I just don't feel comfortable as a mother yet. It just makes me feel nervous and overwhelmed.
> 
> At the same time, I'm thinking that maybe the summer would be great for the two if us because I won't have a bunch of other stuff to be worried about like school and friends. So, I think once I'm out of school we will switch and I'll have her during the week and he'll have her on weekends.
> 
> It's weird because I feel like I'm babysitting his child. I feel like he was instantly her dad as soon as she came out and he didn't struggle with those feelings at all and I'm the one who gave birth to her yet I don't feel like I'm her mom. He doesn't do anything to make me feel like that, I just do.


Heatherr,
I've read this entire thread and I have to say that I'm impressed by your maturity and how you've been handling the situation. No, things aren't ideal, but honestly that's how life goes. Rarely is it ever ideal. You make plans but you must be flexible and you've shown that you are.

It's understandable that you haven't bonded with your child yet. When your life settles down with school being out, I think you should take Gabby for the week like you're thinking and just be a mother. You don't have to feel like one. But feed her and care for her, spend time with her like a mother. I think you aren't comfortable with her because you haven't been able to get into a routine with her. Once you have a routine, I think you'll find you're much more comfortable and you'll find it will come more naturally to you.

As much as people love to do new things and explore, we take comfort in routines. With Gabby, it doesn't sound like you've had a chance to set one up with her. And that's something that just takes time.

You've had a lot on your plate for anyone to handle. But it is doable, even at your age. And again, I'm really impressed with you, young lady. You can do this.


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## BabyCleo

I think its a great idea to take her for a week and just see how it goes. I think you will feel more like her mum if you take her for mon-fri during the summer. Its probably what you need :hugs: 

Im glad you got support with the PND - and don't worry about FOB or your dad treating you like you are going to break down at any second, ive been treated like that before and people do snap out of it. Many are just confused as to how to handle it. :hugs:


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## heatherr

I'm finally updating since it's been a few weeks. I had final exams and graduation and a bunch of things to do regarding that, so I haven't had a chance to post. 

I am feeling so much better now that my medicine has had a chance to start working. I don't constantly feel like I'm being swallowed up by a black hoke anymore. I'm just sort of scared that it's fake happiness caused by the meds. I don't want to be in this stuff very long, but I'm scared I won't be able to maintain my emotions without it. But anyway, it is amazing how much better I feel now.

This is the first week the Gabriella will be staying with me M-F. I'm not really worried about it. A few weeks ago I was not really looking forward to this change, but I am looking forward to this summer. 

Fob and I are in an actual relationship now. Well, this relationship is less than a week old, but we are trying it. His mom is already making comments on pics on Facebook saying things like, "This will be a great photo for your wedding announcements." ugh. We are going on vacation with his entire family next month, so we'll see how it goes once I have to meet everyone.


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## Eidson23

I'm so happy things are looking up for you! Becoming a parent shouldn't be this horrible experience and I feel like you're just now going to get the chance to enjoy it. You're doing great, and congrats on the new relationship!


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## wookie130

Hi, honey!!! :)

Glad to hear the meds have helped...happiness is happiness, and however you're attaining it is beside the point! I'm glad you're looking forward to time with baby G...you'll have your tough moments, definitely, but hopefully you can better bond w/her now, and she'll really begin to feel like your child. Give it time, and just take it day by day. :hugs:

Hey, I think it's great you two are giving it a shot at a real relationship! I hope it works out for both of you!


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## mara16jade

That's such a great update! Congrats on graduation! Nor sure if I missed it, but did you mention where you're going for college?


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## skyesmom

awwwwwwwwww what a great update, i'm on cloud 9 now :))))

firstly, congrats on your graduation and exams! you ROCK girl, seriously! you DID it all, the baby plus getting into college plus graduating high school PLUS getting a grip on your PPD! Chapeau!!

second, it is SO GOOD to hear you are doing better and that your meds are working! This is just the first step, as my own therapist said, some people need meds to kickstart the recovery process and get you just above that limit where you feel good enough to get a grip on your own emotions again. <3 i am confident you will do great!

and well, as for you and FOB being in an actual relationship... that's a cherry on top!! <3 <3 <3 so happy for all three of you!!! (and your MIL sounds awesome, if i may add!)

thanks for the update!


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## Turtle0630

All of this is wonderful news, so happy for you! Congrats on your graduation, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better and that the meds are helping, and that's great that you're looking forward to having her during the week for the summer!

I'm also really glad to hear that you and FOB are giving it a go, and I really hope it works out for the two of you! Hope you guys have a great vacation together, and good luck with meeting his whole family! <3


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## ClairAye

Love the update! I hope things keep going well for you! :D


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## Srrme

Fabulous update! Congratulations on graduating and everything else! &#128522;


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## heatherr

mara16jade said:


> That's such a great update! Congrats on graduation! Nor sure if I missed it, but did you mention where you're going for college?

Thanks. I'm going to a school that is only about 20 minutes from my house. It's a large, major state university. I'm more of a small private school sort of person myself, but this will be fine. I really wasn't looking forward to the having to live on campus part of college, so now I can at least get out of that at least. I'm just going to live at home for now and commute.


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## SurpriseBub

So glad things are looking so positive for you :flower: I hope you have an amazing summer. And congratulations on the new relationship! 

Don't worry about the meds- enjoy the fact they are such a help for now. You will work out what to do when the time is right at some point down the line.


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## liz1985

Fab update. Glad everything is going well and congrats on your relationship with fob.


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## lisaalove

I'm so happy to hear things are going well! I understand the worry about fake happiness but it's not it just helps get the overwhelming negative out and when your ready to get off them you'll know and it wont be that much of a change!


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## alibaba24

So glad everything is feeling a bit better for you heather. Still be great to see a photo :D lol


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## bbygurl719

I just took three days to read this entire thread between taking care of my 3. I think your an amazing young lady and wanted to say I am so proud of you. Congratulations on everything thru this thread.


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## Wifely

I fell pregnant at 17 and the father was 21. Honesty is always the best policy in situations like this. You need to make sure that you and the baby are healthy and not wanting to tell anyone will only work for so long (that belly will be getting pretty obvious in a couple of months). What worked for me is to speak with my mother before telling my dad or the rest of my family and friends. You need to see a doctor and get official blood work and an ultrasound to see how far along you are and that everything is going well. Regardless of how you choose to handle the situation not telling anyone is harmful and potentially fatal to you and your little one. No matter what you will need support and resources. It seems like your first act as a new mom is going to be a tough one, but you need to tell your parents and the father of your child.


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## LittleLala

Wifely said:


> I fell pregnant at 17 and the father was 21. Honesty is always the best policy in situations like this. You need to make sure that you and the baby are healthy and not wanting to tell anyone will only work for so long (that belly will be getting pretty obvious in a couple of months). What worked for me is to speak with my mother before telling my dad or the rest of my family and friends. You need to see a doctor and get official blood work and an ultrasound to see how far along you are and that everything is going well. Regardless of how you choose to handle the situation not telling anyone is harmful and potentially fatal to you and your little one. No matter what you will need support and resources. It seems like your first act as a new mom is going to be a tough one, but you need to tell your parents and the father of your child.

The first post is quite old now, and she has already had the baby and everything. She did a fantastic job :) x


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## Feff

Would love to hear an update on you, fob and Gabriella :hugs:


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## chistiana

Same here! :)


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## heatherr

Gabriella is 22 weeks old today.....almost 6 months!!! That is so crazy to me. She is so Nguyen really well, but still just a little behind size-wise (still in normal range for her age, but lower percentile). Developmentally, it seems to be the same thing. She is hitting all of the milestones she should and the doctors are not concerned, just feel she is still catching up a little bit. But she is so funny and has developed a personality now. 

She lives with me M-F and it has really helped me a lot. I actually feel like her mom now. It did take a few weeks for it to feel normal. She lives with her dad on the weekends. I get sad when she leaves, and if you remember before I didn't really feel that way, just guilty. Her dad and I are still together, but it's weird when you do everything backwards. We have this baby together but don't live together and we split our time with her. It would make more sense to live together, but I don't really feel ready for all of that right now. 

I'm still seeing a therapist and taking meds for postpartum depression and anxiety. They help me a lot, but I still just don't feel exactly like my normal self. I don't really feel depressed, but the anxiety is an issue still. And I'm sure part of that is also just changes going on, getting ready to start college, etc. I just want to rush everything and hate having to take the time to work through things. 

But yeah, everything is going really well lately compared to several months ago. I don't really see any of my friends anymore, only a few if them, but I don't really care. The nice thing about having Gabriella with me earphone all day is that I'm too busy to dwell on a lot of things that used to bother me.


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## alibaba24

Thanks for the update heather glad things are going well for you and the little one and fob . x


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## Midnight_Fairy

Lovely update xx


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## liz1985

Fab update!


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## k4th

Great update!! So fab to hear you sounding happier :)


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## BabyCleo

Awesome stuff my dear!!


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## ClairAye

Lovely update! I'm so glad things are going well for you! :flower:


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## wookie130

So, so glad that the meds are managing things a bit more for you! And I'm so glad that you're finally feeling like a mom to baby G...I knew it would fall into place, and it just took some time for you to get your feet wet with the whole thing. It is such a big, big change. Having a child really throws everything upside down, and it completely changes EVERY aspect of life...it's no wonder you were feeling disconnected, depressed, anxious, etc. And you're still very much post-partum, so your hormones have far from calmed down yet. I'm glad to hear you and FOB are still a "thing", and that you're finding a living arrangement that works between the two of you...and I'm happy the baby is doing so well. Right around 6 months, their personality does start taking off, and it does start to get more fun. They just start doing goofy and cute little things, and their curiosity and learning just seems to take off...it's a lot of fun to watch them grow and change.

Nice update! Don't be a stranger!


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## missk1989

Thanks for updating. It is always good to hear you are doing well. :hugs:


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## Feff

Lovely update, I'm so glad to hear things are going well :) :hugs: 

I think having a certain level of anxiety is a given when you become a parent really, but I think it's fab that you're on the meds to help you. 

I hope things continue to go well for you all xx


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## lisaalove

So happy to hear things are going well for you all. ^.^


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## skyesmom

awwww heather thanks for the update and so so happy to hear it is all going well and on the right path for you and your family! you three are so amazing with handling the whole situation, and who cares if it is "backwards" compared to the rest of the world - it is YOUR own original artwork of life :) and massive congrats on all of it!!!


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## cjb

Lovely update x


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## Hermione394

I'm glad things are going so well dear <3.


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## heatherr

Hi everyone!! How you are all doing well. I've started college now and it's taking some adjusting. Gabriella is going to a sitter's house during the day Monday-Friday because I have school and her dad works all week. I cried a lot when school started. It's crazy to me because back when I joined this site and for many months after that I never thought I'd be at the point where I was crying when I had to be away from her for so long. It was rough on her too, but worse on me I think :cry:

For the most part, I haven't really thought too much about what I could be doing as far as school goes. I'm not really upset about not going to one of the schools I wanted to go to or moving away from home. I guess I'm too busy thinking about other things to worry about that now - doesn't seem really important. I'm glad I didn't let that make me decide to not be involved in her life like I am now.

But she continues to catch up as she should be. She can sit on her own now, has just started eating some solids, and is "talking" a lot. She just seems really happy. Her main struggle right now is sleeping at night. She still wakes up several times. We are working on adjusting her sleeping schedule and trying to stay consistent no matter whose house she is at. She doesn't nap for long periods of time either. She just doesn't like to sleep....


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## alibaba24

Hi heather. It's so hard handing over your baby I know but I'm sure you will both get used to it in time. My 1 year old also doesn't sleep well so I can totally sympathise with you ! Sounds like Gabriella is right on track for her development which is awesome ! Babies are all so different. Who does she look most like ? How are things with her father ? X


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## skyesmom

Heather hon! thanks for the lovely update!

Happy to hear you are adjusting to the things slowly and so proud of you for having made the right decisions for you and your family in the end. You did a really brave and responsible decision-making journey and should really pat yourself on a shoulder for that!

and also great to hear Gabriella is catching up so well! i'm sure she's a smart little cookie, especially with both you and her dad being the way you are - she has loads of good stuff to inherit and learn from you both <3

and sorry to hear that she isn't much of a sleeper - i was just the same as a baby and even now i don't need more than 6 hours to function well and absolutely detest the afternoon naps (and in my '20s even just 4h per night for months was enough) - maybe she is just like that) - it sucks for your parents when you're little but it is a great advantage in the college years ;)


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## heatherr

alibaba24 said:


> Hi heather. It's so hard handing over your baby I know but I'm sure you will both get used to it in time. My 1 year old also doesn't sleep well so I can totally sympathise with you ! Sounds like Gabriella is right on track for her development which is awesome ! Babies are all so different. Who does she look most like ? How are things with her father ? X

She looks more like her dad. His mom showed me a picture of him at the same age and they look like twins. Well I guess if anyone doubted me before, now they know that he's definitely her father haha. 
But really, I get along really well with his family and they always include me in things and I know they would be there for Gabriella if she needed anything. 

He and I are still together and it's going ok. It's not the most normal relationship because we have this baby but we don't live together and we only see each other a few times a week now that I've started school and my schedule is weird. I am worried to live with him because I think I feel like I'm married and have a baby and I'm not ready for that. I always feel like he'll get tired of me and want to be with someone else.


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## heatherr

skyesmom, I don't even want to think of her in college yet! But yeah, I love naps. Her dad is a lot more go go go all the time so maybe that's where she gets it. I can only imagine what she'll be like when she can start to move.


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## alibaba24

Don't rush into a living arrangement for convenience. You have been through a lot take time to be your own person too as well as working on your relationship. Its really great that his family are so supportive towards you and the little one too


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## wookie130

Sounds like things are going pretty well! I knew things would fall into place...proud of you for going to college, in light of everything else (i.e. the baby) going on! :) I'm also glad to hear you're finally feeling like a mother, and that you're happy you've decided to play such a primary role in her life. It's hard to relinquish our babies to someone else's care...I do it daily with both of my children, as both my husband and I teach. It's really, really tough on me. I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but that just isn't in the cards for my family, ever. So, while I used to live to work, now that I'm a mom, now I work to live. It really is what it is.

I'm glad to hear you're still with FOB! Take it one day at a time, and if you aren't comfortable with the idea of moving in together, there is certainly no rush, or reason to pressure yourselves into taking that step. :)


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## nnaime

So happy for you! Things will always work out the way the are meant to be :flower:


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## bakedbean

I've just read your whole thread in 2 hours - wow what a rollercoaster that was! I am so glad everything is working out so well for you, you both sound like amazing, inspiring parents :D Best wishes for the future for you and your family xx


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## NennaKay

Just found your thread yesterday and have finally read it in it's entirety! I'm so pleased that you seem to have found your groove and that everything is falling into place for you! Good luck on your continuing motherhood journey! :thumbup::flower:


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## AnnaKlop

Congratulations btw


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## Abii

I just read through all of this and feel like I need to subscribe for dedicating so much time to it lol:haha: 
Wow you have had quite the journey, lots of ups and downs and it just goes to show you how strong and mature you really are. I'm happy that you are connected to Gabby now and that you and your baby's father could work on your relationship. I hope everything is continuing to go as well as it has been :)


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## medic76097

Found this today and love it. &#10084;&#65039;


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## brittany12

Just read this entire thread and am so happy with your last update! Hopefully things are still going well for you!


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## BabyBlondex

I feel I've neglected my 2 babies while reading this! I couldn't put my phone down! Heather or read your entire story and I think your an amazing young woman and mother an such a fantastic role model for others your age &#128156;

I was 19 when I first got pregnant but sadly that was ended with a miscarriage. Only two find out I was pregnant 6 months later with a little girl followed by a shock pregnancy 19 months after my little Layla was born I now have 2 little monkeys who are my entire world and hope to give them a little brother or sister soon. Your story has touched me and I will forever think back to this thread and the amazing journey you've been on, take care of yourself and little Gabriella &#128156;&#128156;


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## heatherr

Hi everyone!!! Thanks to everyone who has commented in this thread recently. I can't believe people are still reading through this entire thing - this thread is so long now. 

BabyBlondex, your comment sort of made me cry. Thanks ;) 

Gabriella celebrated her first birthday at the end of February and we had a little party for her. She is on target developmentally and size-wise, although still on the smaller end. She isn't walking on her own quite yet, but I think it will happen any time now. She walks around while holding on to stuff.

Her dad and I are still in a relationship right now, but I'm still living with my parents. Even though I'm a mom now, I haven't really felt ready to live on my own or to live with my boyfriend. Right now we basically split Gabriella 50/50 during the week. We are planning on moving in together before I start school again in the fall, but it makes me nervous. I'm almost done with my first year of college. 

Nothing major has really happened since I last posted, which is probably a good thing. I think I've had enough major things in my life for a while.


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## BabyBlondex

So happy to see you reply heather! And even more better to see how well your doing &#128516; Happy belated birthday to little Gabriella! If it's any consolation with them walking both my two didn't walk until 15 months! &#128514; Your doing so well, you seem like a very strong young woman and a very fantastic mum &#128156;&#128156;


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## brittany12

That makes me really happy to hear!


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## LittleLala

So happy to read your update. Congratulations on everything going so well, and on nearly completing your first year of college! Amazing work. 
I can't believe she's one already. I remember when you first posted this. 
:hugs:


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## kksy9b

Wonderful update! Congratulations on nearly bring done with your first year of school!


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## ClairAye

Lovely update! I can't believe your wee girl is one already! Happy Belated Birthday to her and well done on almost completing your first year of college! :flower:


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## liz1985

Aw lovely update. Glad everything is going well.


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## skyesmom

thanks for taking time to update Heatherr! So glad to hear that things are going well, you are one amazing lady! A baby, a relationship plus almost one year of college down already... you got lots to teach to many who are 10 years your seniors on how to deal with life. so so happy for you!

and regarding living together... try not to think about it too much now, and try to take it one day at a time - it is a pretty overwhelming thought at any age and situation, let alone yours. 
I still remember when you posted here first, I am sure that if someone would have told you on that day that 20 months later your life would be like this, stating all you have accomplished and how much you have grown, you wouldn't have believed it. 

Congrats on everything, you surely are one amazing soul!


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## wookie130

<3 <3 <3

That is all! I'm so glad you're doing well! <3


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## Bumblebee2408

OMG found this thread totally randomly and wow.... I can honestly say I've spent the last hour+ reading from start to finish.... you are an inspirational young lady and I'm sure this post may help other girls who are possibly in the position you once were!

Thank you for keeping this up to date and I'm so pleased to see your most recent post about how well Gabriella is doing. Keep up the good work 

Xxxxx


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## rapunzel87

Just read the whole thread from the beginning. Firstly, Heather you are incredibly strong & level headed! You have had a baby, completed school and started college! I have no idea how you do it. But you are doing so so so well! I really hope things keep going well for you. Would love more updates when it's convenient for you!


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## heatherr

^ Thanks. I can only do it because I have a lot of help. I can't really take all or most of the credit for managing everything. It's harder to do 2 things at once now that she is mobile and gets into EVERYTHING. When she is at her dad's I literally do nothing but sleep or relax because it's the only chance I have to do it without being interrupted. This isn't a complaint, just how it is. Like right now, I'm actually home alone without baby or anyone else, and here I am sitting in bed playing on the computer. 

I can't believe it's almost summer. I had to go out and buy her new spring and summer clothes this past weekend. Everything is so tiny and cute, I wanted to buy everything at the store. I remember last summer when she was only a few months old and how nervous I was because I was going to have her with me almost every day. It's really funny how the things that made me so nervous then are second nature now. She's starting to walk without holding onto to anything now. For the most part, she still holds onto things, but she has taken her first steps unassisted, so by the time the summer is here she'll be walking all over the place. I actually don't like how fast time is moving sometimes, it's scary!!


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## brittany12

Isn't it crazy how quickly you become so attached and amazed by such a little human! Time seems to never slow down in fact it only seems to go by faster every day! Cherish every moment! How are things with her father? Still going well?


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## littlelegs91

I have just sat and read through your whole thread you sound like a great mum hun keep it up and your schooling your little girl will be very proud of you when she Is older and I hope your relationship keeps going well. xx


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## Mrs W 11

Another one who has just read this thread from start to finish and it was like a book I just couldn't put down! And what a happy ending, I'm so glad to hear that you, Gabriella and fob are doing so well. Huge congratulations to you, you are a huge inspiration! 

You should totally turn this story into a book one day to help others in your shoes starting out. It's a wonderfully honest, raw and brave account of your story. You are a fighter for sure x


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## MrsKatie

Wow. Just read through this myself- finally caught up. I'm kind of speechless, what an amazing story, what an amazing woman you are. Thank you so much for sharing your story here!

And I'd love to see Gabriella pics if you want to share!


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## Tryingagain3

I've just read the whole thread.. Well half yesterday half today! And wow! You are such a great girl. You've come so far. I was 18 when I got pregnant and it was so hard I also suffered with pnd and anxiety badly. You've done so well and you should be so proud of yourself! I'm glad you and fob are together and things are good with him and school. Your such an inspiration to all young mums. Well done you! You sound like a great mummy. I feel like I know you now. Look forward to more updates from you in the future! Xxx


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## BronteForever

I also just sat and read the entire thing and really feel like I have no choice but to comment now. It definitely read like a book and I so wanted to know how you, fob, and gabby ended up but I felt like I couldn't cheat and skip to the end. I was an emotional rollercoaster reading this. I can't imagine what it must have been through to live through. But you sound like an amazing girl and I'm so glad all three of you are in such a good place in your life right now.


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## Jencocoa

Sweetie I am sorry. I know this is scary.You have to just bite the bullet and tell someone and get to a doctor, for your health and the babies. Just start there. You don't have to make every big decision today, just go one day at a time. Your family may be mad, or they may surprise you and be more supportive. Good luck!


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## Jencocoa

Oh my, I didn't look at date or that there were hundreds of replies but I see now this has had a happy ending, yay!!! Congrats!!


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## honeybee2

Just read all this.

Hats off- what an inspiration you are.

:hugs:


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## heatherr

I'm so glad that people continue to find this thread and get something out of it.

Gabriella is walking all over the place by herself now. I'm definitely getting my exercise chasing after her and just keeping up with her all the time! She's "talking" a lot now, but you can only understand a tiny bit of what she says. Her favorite thing is "uh oh." Everything is an "uh oh" situation to her right now. 

FOB and I are still together, but I feel like it might not last too much longer. I think it's mainly my fault. This sounds horrible, but I can't commit to being a mom full time. I love Gabriella 24/7, but I enjoy only having her with me half the time. It's one of the major reasons that I still can't commit to moving in with FOB. That was the original plan this summer, but I'm really torn about it. I love him and want to be with him. I kept coming up with excuses as to not have to admit one of the real reasons. I didn't even want to admit it to myself, but it's true. I just don't want to have to be a mom 24/7. It's not because I want to go out and party or anything stupid like that. I don't even do that sort of thing. But sometimes I do feel like my life is over. There is a lot I want to do that I don't feel I can do while also having to be responsible for a child. I don't know what's wrong with me and I feel so guilty about it. Sometimes I find myself thinking I made the wrong decision to be involved in her life. I should have just given her to her father and removed myself from the situation. These feelings have gotten worse over the past few months. When I finally admitted all of this to fob, he couldn't really sympathize and told me I just needed to grow up. I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I feel. Nobody understands and it just makes me sound like such a terrible person.


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## RaeChay

Hi Heatherr - you've gone through so much at such a young age. You have dealt with it with maturity and grace beyond your years. It is a good and healthy thing to open up about these feelings you're having - it's much better than hiding it or trying to deny it.

Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings. 

I can't promise that being a mom will get better - but I can tell you that not all "stages" of childhood are wonderful. For some people, you just try and get through them and onto the next stage. I for one am not super into babies. Others can't stand the teen years. I can tell you though that I almost always hear that it gets better (when you're going through a rough patch). Best wishes for you.


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## Witchrose

Heather, please don`t be hard on yourself. You don`t sound terrible at all! So you don't want to "mother" all the time. So what! Who does? Everyone wants and needs time to themselves. That's not being selfish. That's being healthy and keeping things in balance.

My husband and I both have specified "me-time" everyday. Because we do that, and honor our own mental and emotional needs, we are in a much calmer, happier state of mind to deal with parenting.

Don't deny your feelings. Make sure to give yourself breaks. And don't stress yourself out trying to match some vision in your head of what a mother should be like.

Also, if you don't want to move in with your boyfriend now, please don't feel that you have to. If having this part-time arrangement is working out well, there is no reason to feel bad at all about it! Do what is right for *you* and your circumstances. 

That said, if you are uncertain about whether or not you want to move in, could you have a trial run of it? Start staying over more often/longer length of time to see how it makes you feel?


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## skyesmom

RaeChay said:


> Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

THIS <3 <3 <3 
Don't make any decisions when you feel overwhelmed and at your lowest. Please don't. it's likely that it won't be the right one and that you may regret it later.

Heatherr, you are being so so brave and both you and OH are dealing with loads at all stages with a small baby at such a young age. It is good that you opened up about your feelings to him, but it is also normal that he couldn't empathize 100% with you, because he is young, too, and even grown up men lack that sort of maturity.

Being overwhelmed with motherhood is a normal thing at every age, let alone yours. Babies are demanding. But kids DO grow up and as they do, you will have more time for yourself and will have to tend to less and less of their needs as they grow.

I don't know if Gabriella goes to daycare or you guys have her only with either you or him, but if you do move in together, could this be an option? It would leave you that "me time" every day. 
Also, you could arrange the times when she is with your or FOBs family only - ie. one day a week that you would have for you two, at least for the first times of your new life together. It is NOTHING horrifying to have a baby over at the grandparents for a day. Back in the day when not everyone had their own flat or house, and the families were way larger, people lived together in the same house/household with their broader family and the care for the kids and babies wasn't singled out to a single mom&dad couple only. The weight placed on parents today comes also from this - that most of the parenting is done by two people alone, while before it was more distributed. And it's a tough thing to pull off at any age.

Maybe you could talk to a councilor, or have a talk with FOB, yours and his family together with a councilor who would mediate and explain that while you TRULY ARE doing an AMAZING job of growing up as quick as you can and coping with the motherhood, that you STILL DO need their support and understanding. FOB is four-five years older than you - meaning he had those extra four-five years time for himself that you didn't. I am sure that with a qualified and more neutral person to help them understand you and what you are struggling with, it could really help your situation.

It sounds like you two guys really love each other - which is an outstanding thing to have, after all you guys have been through so far - i can count the couples with a similar kind of strength, love and maturity on the fingers of one hand. 
From what you are writing here, it is not your lack of love for him nor for your daughter that hinders you from moving in with him - but a lack of a living arrangement in that new framework regarding your baby that would be suitable for you to cope with.
A wish for a well-planned baby schedule and a well-planned family schedule (which also includes YOUR schedule as you are a crucial part of your family) is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And it can be sorted out. 

You love them more than enough - enough to have decided to give her a life, be her mother and sort the things out with him - which is a miracle to pull off even for a lady in her 30s (i'm in my 30s and i have friends who could learn quite some things from you!). What you need is just a concrete day-by-day plan on how to sail into that new sea together - with the help of your and his family. 

I wish you all the best dear. I am sure you guys can do it. And that you can do it. You already have come so far and please, when the things feel impossible to fathom or accomplish, just remember that first day when you got your BFP and look all that you have accomplished so far, as a person, and give yourself some credit for it, it's nothing short of a miracle. You are absolutely the most mature "teen" i've ever seen, not only on bnb but in my real life too. I say "teen" because it is only your physical age that would classify you in that category, not certainly your maturity and behaviour, those are well beyond your young age! :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Amygdala

I'm much older than you and all my babies were very much planned. And I still feel like I need time off from being a mum sometimes. It's so normal, especially in the early years! There's no shame in wanting time to yourself and to not constantly have to be there for a toddler 24/7. I know that most of my friends feel the same, some more and some less so but I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better for having a break. 
But before you make any decisions on your relationship based on these feelings, consider that it will get easier! Do you have the option of nursery or daycare soon? Even if you don't, she'll start school in only a few short years. If there's no other option, you could always keep this current arrangement until then. Or how about one of her grandparents taking her one day a week? Or you do move in but still have dedicated mummy days and daddy days, where the other parent gets the day off? Now that I'm pregnant, my husband often takes our older kids out for the day at the weekend and also gets them ready in the morning while I get a lie-in. Those little things go a long way towards balance, you just need to be on the same page about them. Best of luck to you!


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## heatherr

Thanks to everyone who commented and you understand and support. After everything else I've experienced here, I probably shouldn't be surprised at everyone's kindness. I was really embarrassed to admit how I've been feeling, even here. I honestly cried sitting here reading everyone's responses because I finally don't feel so alone in feeling this way.



RaeChay said:


> Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.

I had been seeing a counselor for almost a year, up until a few months ago. I received treatment for postpartum depression and was also on medication for it. I was removed from the medication many months ago and was doing well with just the therapy sessions. At the time that I stopped seeing this person, I had been doing well for months and felt okay stopping our regular sessions, but now I'm thinking it may be something I need longer term. 

Normally postpartum depression doesn't last this long and I thought it was over for me. I wonder if the way I feel is normal or if it has anything to do with the depression relapsing. I do have really bad, low days, like the day I posted my last message here. The next day,I felt much better about everything and felt silly for posting all of my feelings. Today I'm somewhere in between. It's really tiring dealing with the extreme emotional changes from one day to the next. When I feel really low I do tend to make major decisions or declarations about things - everything becomes very black and white at that point and there is no compromise as far as the situation goes for me. 




Witchrose said:


> Heather, please don`t be hard on yourself. You don`t sound terrible at all! So you don't want to "mother" all the time. So what! Who does? Everyone wants and needs time to themselves. That's not being selfish. That's being healthy and keeping things in balance.
> 
> My husband and I both have specified "me-time" everyday. Because we do that, and honor our own mental and emotional needs, we are in a much calmer, happier state of mind to deal with parenting.
> 
> Don't deny your feelings. Make sure to give yourself breaks. And don't stress yourself out trying to match some vision in your head of what a mother should be like.
> 
> Also, if you don't want to move in with your boyfriend now, please don't feel that you have to. If having this part-time arrangement is working out well, there is no reason to feel bad at all about it! Do what is right for *you* and your circumstances.
> 
> That said, if you are uncertain about whether or not you want to move in, could you have a trial run of it? Start staying over more often/longer length of time to see how it makes you feel?

I guess I just feel this extra pressure, especially because of my age, to prove everyone wrong and be the perfect mom and I get so upset with myself that I'm not. 

Right now, I'm very happy with only having her half of the week. Of course, I see her more than that because he and I spend plenty of time together with her. When I have those thoughts I think "What kind of a mother thinks that?" I just feel it's weird for me to not want to live with my own child all the time. 

I suppose I really should start increasing the amount/length of time I stay there and find out how I really feel about it. Sometimes I really like the idea - I wouldn't be considering it if part of me didn't want it. I just have extreme moments of panic over it too.


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## heatherr

skyesmom said:


> RaeChay said:
> 
> 
> Can I suggest that you try to see a counselor to help you work through the things you're dealing with? Parenting babies/toddlers is hard at any age, but your special set of circumstances could certainly warrant some extra support. Most importantly, don't make any major decisions on days you are having negative or low feelings.
> 
> THIS <3 <3 <3
> Don't make any decisions when you feel overwhelmed and at your lowest. Please don't. it's likely that it won't be the right one and that you may regret it later.
> 
> Heatherr, you are being so so brave and both you and OH are dealing with loads at all stages with a small baby at such a young age. It is good that you opened up about your feelings to him, but it is also normal that he couldn't empathize 100% with you, because he is young, too, and even grown up men lack that sort of maturity.
> 
> Being overwhelmed with motherhood is a normal thing at every age, let alone yours. Babies are demanding. But kids DO grow up and as they do, you will have more time for yourself and will have to tend to less and less of their needs as they grow.
> 
> I don't know if Gabriella goes to daycare or you guys have her only with either you or him, but if you do move in together, could this be an option? It would leave you that "me time" every day.
> Also, you could arrange the times when she is with your or FOBs family only - ie. one day a week that you would have for you two, at least for the first times of your new life together. It is NOTHING horrifying to have a baby over at the grandparents for a day. Back in the day when not everyone had their own flat or house, and the families were way larger, people lived together in the same house/household with their broader family and the care for the kids and babies wasn't singled out to a single mom&dad couple only. The weight placed on parents today comes also from this - that most of the parenting is done by two people alone, while before it was more distributed. And it's a tough thing to pull off at any age.
> 
> Maybe you could talk to a councilor, or have a talk with FOB, yours and his family together with a councilor who would mediate and explain that while you TRULY ARE doing an AMAZING job of growing up as quick as you can and coping with the motherhood, that you STILL DO need their support and understanding. FOB is four-five years older than you - meaning he had those extra four-five years time for himself that you didn't. I am sure that with a qualified and more neutral person to help them understand you and what you are struggling with, it could really help your situation.
> 
> It sounds like you two guys really love each other - which is an outstanding thing to have, after all you guys have been through so far - i can count the couples with a similar kind of strength, love and maturity on the fingers of one hand.
> From what you are writing here, it is not your lack of love for him nor for your daughter that hinders you from moving in with him - but a lack of a living arrangement in that new framework regarding your baby that would be suitable for you to cope with.
> A wish for a well-planned baby schedule and a well-planned family schedule (which also includes YOUR schedule as you are a crucial part of your family) is NOTHING to be ashamed of. And it can be sorted out.
> 
> You love them more than enough - enough to have decided to give her a life, be her mother and sort the things out with him - which is a miracle to pull off even for a lady in her 30s (i'm in my 30s and i have friends who could learn quite some things from you!). What you need is just a concrete day-by-day plan on how to sail into that new sea together - with the help of your and his family.
> 
> I wish you all the best dear. I am sure you guys can do it. And that you can do it. You already have come so far and please, when the things feel impossible to fathom or accomplish, just remember that first day when you got your BFP and look all that you have accomplished so far, as a person, and give yourself some credit for it, it's nothing short of a miracle. You are absolutely the most mature "teen" i've ever seen, not only on bnb but in my real life too. I say "teen" because it is only your physical age that would classify you in that category, not certainly your maturity and behaviour, those are well beyond your young age! :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

When I'm in school Gabriella does go to daycare during the weekdays, some days only half day because I don't have classes all day long every day. During the summer, she is with me during the day. I don't mind this and it doesn't overwhelm me because we still split the time with her. I might see if we can agree to keep her in daycare full time during the weekdays when I started school again in the fall, this way on days when I have fewer classes I can have that extra time to myself or to study or do other things that I need to get done. 

I also feel guilty moving in with him because he will be supporting all of us since I don't have a job. I could get a job, and he doesn't care if I do, but we decided that it'd be most cost effective if I was home to be with Gabriella all summer long. I agreed to that and I would honestly rather be home with her all day than go to work and make next to nothing. It's fine right now because I live with my parents, so I don't feel as guilty with them supporting me. I told him how I feel and he says he can afford it and he wants to do that for me and that I don't need to feel bad about it. He wants me to be able to focus on school and whatever I want to do and not worry about working right now. I still feel bad about it though - not that partners who don't work or who are stay at home parents should feel bad. I just feel bad complaining about so much while everyone pretty much spoils me and does everything they can to make things easy for me. 

And thank you thank you for everything nice you said in your post. I might not agree with all of the great things you said about me, but it does make me feel loads better for the time being.


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## heatherr

Amygdala said:


> I'm much older than you and all my babies were very much planned. And I still feel like I need time off from being a mum sometimes. It's so normal, especially in the early years! There's no shame in wanting time to yourself and to not constantly have to be there for a toddler 24/7. I know that most of my friends feel the same, some more and some less so but I don't know anyone who doesn't feel better for having a break.
> But before you make any decisions on your relationship based on these feelings, consider that it will get easier! Do you have the option of nursery or daycare soon? Even if you don't, she'll start school in only a few short years. If there's no other option, you could always keep this current arrangement until then. Or how about one of her grandparents taking her one day a week? Or you do move in but still have dedicated mummy days and daddy days, where the other parent gets the day off? Now that I'm pregnant, my husband often takes our older kids out for the day at the weekend and also gets them ready in the morning while I get a lie-in. Those little things go a long way towards balance, you just need to be on the same page about them. Best of luck to you!

I had a whole response typed up to this and then hit the backspace key and deleted it all :growlmad: 

Anyway, I don't think I'm in danger of ending my relationship, but I worry he'll get tired of me being this way and dump me. He's never said anything about leaving me if I don't move in or anything like that, but I just think it's what he wants. Maybe it's just my paranoia thinking he will leave me since I can apparently only stand to be a parent to our child half the time.I'd want to leave me. I know I can't make decisions just to please him or anyone else, but still puts pressure on me.


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## skyesmom

heatherr honey, thanks for keeping us posted and for being so open about your feelings <3 from what you describe and the mood swings you have, it could be your depression relapsing a bit or you dipping into it when you feel overwhelmed.

It is a common thing for most of the people who have dealt with depression, be it a post-partum one or not. it just makes you discover how deep your own personal hole can be so when you slip, you can really slip deep. I've had a ppd following the second pregnancy loss and it took about two years between being diagnosed and getting into therapy (non-medicated), and still from time to time when i get overwhelmed or feel pressured, i relapse for some days. Relapses DO get shorter and shorter as you learn how to spot them and deal with them before they manage to catch some momentum and drag you down. i wouldn't be too surprised if you've got a little bit of relapse with all that stuff going on. it doesn't mean being dependent on seeing a councilor all the time, but just for those times when you feel like you need an extra hand. 

regarding your OH supporting you, well... you guys got a lifetime of parenting ahead of you, and if he supports you now for a year or two or whatever, trust me you'll have plenty of time to pay him back. It is the best thing for your family at the moment - the three of you - from everything you said.
Also, as you feel guilty for him supporting you, maybe he also feels guilty for the fact that you are facing college and motherhood together, and he genuinely and honestly wants to do whatever he can to make it right and good for you. Like you do for him. 

you know how to recognize your dark days or your intermediate days and your great ones, too - which is already a great guidance when it comes to decision making. and in those darkest days, getting your feelings out on a message board is certainly a WAY smarter decision than making a drastic decision and acting upon it in your real life. :) so you see, you're already handling it pretty well, even when you don't feel so <3


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## BabyBlondex

Heather your doing so well sweetie! Depression is a horrible thing to have I've suffered with it since before I had kids and have been on medication for nearly a year now and I feel like a new person, I'm also a better mother and partner! If your still struggling please don't hesitate to see your doctor about going back on the meds, its not a bad thing and nothing to be ashamed of, ive learnt that the hard way! My stubbornness and embarrassment of 'Giving in' to medication nearly saw my 2 beautiful kids without a mother just before Christmas. So I'm kinda glad I saw sense! 

I also need me time, A LOT actually lol if I'm having a bad day my oh takes the kids up his mums house for an hour or 2, sometimes thats all you need! Lol

I like to think of your story and how strong you are, it gives me hope, even though I'm a bit older than you, I find you more of an inspiration than most people my age. 

Keep up the goos work heather, I enjoy reading your updates. &#128156;


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## flashy09

Is there an update to this? Did you stay with FOB? How are you feeling?


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## heatherr

flashy09 said:


> Is there an update to this? Did you stay with FOB? How are you feeling?

I can't believe this thread is still getting posts after such a long time!

Gabriella is 2 years old :shock: and growing strong and healthy everyday. She is still slightly behind size-wise, but _almost_ there. She hasn't seemed to have entered the terrible twos yet. 

FOB and I are still together. I moved in with him, which was a huge adjustment for me and was really difficult because my family was against me moving in with him so it caused some tension. My mom just doesn't like me "shacking up" with guys. It's like, we have a child together - people know we had sex. Things are better now. I'm getting ready to finish my second year of college, which I'm finding really easy. I'm off on Fridays, so Gabriella goes to a sitter Monday-Thursday. I'm not as stressed out about being a parent now -it's finally become normal to me. If course, I haven't talked to anyone I went to high school with in about a year. Our lives are just completely different and I'm fine with that. Plus, my boyfriend is way more attractive than all my "friend's" boyfriends they've met at college :blush::happydance:
I do struggle with making friends now because my life is still a lot different than most of my classmates and I'm also not interested in typical college life. Plus, I prefer to just be at home instead of going out. But I do wish I could find people I had more in common with.


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## Twag

It is fantastic to hear everything is going so well - wishing you all the best for you and your family :hugs:


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## kksy9b

Amazing update. I'm so happy that Gabriella is doing well and that you've found your new normal. Congratulations on everything you've accomplished so far!


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## ClairAye

Wow, I can't believe she is two! I'm so glad everything is going well for you!


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## capricornteen

Step 1: Relax. Breathe. Stressing out will scare you more than you already are.
Step 2: Do you have a car? Planned Parenthoods and Women's Centers are very helpful for teens. As I recall, they don't tell your parents, but research that, I'm not sure. You want to go to the doctor first and confirm you're pregnant, and that you're okay. People don't want to let the news out until then because it could just be a missed period or a miscarriage can happen.
Step 3: Tell the father first, in this situation. Because he's legal and you're not, your parents will immediately worry that you were aggressively raped. Talk to him and let him know what's happening.
Step 4: Tell your parents and do not lie about the fact that you had consensual sex with an older guy. You don't want anyone physically hurt and if your parents knew that, maybe they'd avoid charging him with statutory rape. Sit down with them and thoroughly explain yourself. Ask of them to hold on with their judgments or reactions until you're done, listen and accept responsibility.

I know it must be terrifying to think about, but you should just be honest. But firstly, calm down and take care of yourself. If my reply didn't help, wikiHow has a lot of good articles on how to break the news of being a pregnant teenager to everyone.


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## capricornteen

capricornteen said:


> Step 1: Relax. Breathe. Stressing out will scare you more than you already are.
> Step 2: Do you have a car? Planned Parenthoods and Women's Centers are very helpful for teens. As I recall, they don't tell your parents, but research that, I'm not sure. You want to go to the doctor first and confirm you're pregnant, and that you're okay. People don't want to let the news out until then because it could just be a missed period or a miscarriage can happen.
> Step 3: Tell the father first, in this situation. Because he's legal and you're not, your parents will immediately worry that you were aggressively raped. Talk to him and let him know what's happening.
> Step 4: Tell your parents and do not lie about the fact that you had consensual sex with an older guy. You don't want anyone physically hurt and if your parents knew that, maybe they'd avoid charging him with statutory rape. Sit down with them and thoroughly explain yourself. Ask of them to hold on with their judgments or reactions until you're done, listen and accept responsibility.
> 
> I know it must be terrifying to think about, but you should just be honest. But firstly, calm down and take care of yourself. If my reply didn't help, wikiHow has a lot of good articles on how to break the news of being a pregnant teenager to everyone.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY, I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T READ THE DATES.:hugs:


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## lenorajoy

Holy moly! It took some time, but I just read through the whole thread and wanted to add one more I-just-read-through-this to the heap! It's lovely to read all that you've been through and see an update like this most recent one. 

I wanted to add that I really appreciate that you keep coming back to update everyone. You may feel that this thread has been a place to ask questions and vent, like it's only for your benefit. But I want to make sure you know, as much as you've taken from this thread and these people you've never met over the years, I guarantee you've given just as much back to all of us! You've shared so much of your private life and your feelings and you've been so open, honest, humble, and kind. Even in the moments you thought you were being selfish or horrible. You gave so much to those that are going through or have been through something similar to know they're not alone in their feelings. Even though my own life and experiences with pregnancy and motherhood (so far) have been so different to yours, there were so many things I could relate to and it made me realize I'm not the only one to feel certain ways, especially in regards to those first several weeks of motherhood.

I'm so happy you're all flourishing and Gabby is thriving under your love and care. I wish you the best and I hope you're proud of everything you've done!


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## Littlebear11

Just spent awhile reading all of that. Im glad everything is going good with you. I'm 19 and pregnant and pretty nervous about giving birth hopefully I'm as strong as you! Do you have any pictures that we can see of her?


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## Tropiclands

In just seeing your responses Heather, I can see that you are different. In a good way. There's a reason this thread hasn't died. I'm going to agree though that you need to take care of you and find the support that you need. Are there any groups in your area for what you need?


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