# New here - lost my boy at 22 weeks (long)



## OliveBay

Hi everyone
I have to confess to lurking around this site since TTC and have found many sections of this site very useful along my journey, however I am a rather private person and never felt like I wanted to actually sign up and post anything. I never actually ventured into this section whilst pregnant though, as I wanted to stay away from anything sad or negative that could make me worry (not that it made any difference). Since losing my baby 2 months ago I have found this area a great source of information and comfort, but am only just feeling brave enough to declare myself and share my story. I'll try to keep it as short as I can...

This was our first baby and I conceived in just the second month of trying. I had a problem-free pregnancy, felt great most of the time and just loved being pregnant. We were relieved to get to the 20 week scan and be told that everything looked fine, foolishly thinking that this meant we were 'safe'. By 22 weeks I'd been feeling lots of wriggles and kicks starting to get stronger, but then I had a day or so when I felt nothing. I tried not to worry, checked all my pregnancy books and a few websites and convinced myself that baby had just moved into a different position. The next day I was still worried I hadn't felt anything so I phoned my midwife who told me not to worry as it was probably all ok, but to come to the clinic and she'd check the heartbeat just to make sure.

Two midwives at the local clinic couldn't find a hearbeat after trying for a good five minutes, so sent me to the hospital to be checked there. Still totally convinvced everything was fine and that my baby was just hiding in an awkward position like when I'd had my scans, I went to the hospital _on my own_ (which I now totally regret), where the midwife again couldn't find the heartbeat. A consultant came in and scanned me and I saw on the screen that the baby wasn't moving and had no heartbeat, an image that will haunt me for a long time I'm sure. I was induced a few days later and delivered my baby at 22w6d, a perfect but small little boy - we hadn't known the gender before but we'd both sort of hoped for a boy. We named him and spent a while holding him and had a funeral for him a week later. I'm not going to write what we called him as I'm still a bit paranoid about real life people finding me here. Its all been such a horrible experience, but my hubby and I are trying to support each other through this to find our 'new normal'. Although we are hopeful for the future, it just feels like my view on the world will never be the same - I'm sure you know what I mean.

We had an appointment to go through our results last week, and basically there was no conclusive cause of death. There was possibly a problem with the cord - it was long and coiled. I also had a weird blood test result at 13 weeks but the hospital have said they've only just started doing it so they don't really know the significance of that. We've been given the go-ahead to TTC again and my hubby and I are both keen to get going asap - despite still being in the process of grieving I can't imagine waiting.

I'm back at work now and having mostly good days with occasional emotional moments popping up every now and again. Today I'm feeling a bit weepy as I've been quite busy and work is a stressful place in general at the moment. Although my family and friends have been absolutely great, none of them have been through anything like this and I'm just starting to feel like I need to have some contact with people who've been through this themselves and know exactly what I'm feeling. The idea of going to the local support group suggested by the hospital just seems too scary so I was hoping that you lovely ladies here could help provide some moral support instead, particularly when that next BFP comes along (exciting but scary stuff!). Sorry for hiding from you all for so long.


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## jojo23

hi hun..firstly im so so sorry for your loss! I lost my little girl at 22 weeks and it was the hardest thing ill ever go through. i understand completely why you wanted to stay away for a little while, sometimes things like this can be a little daunting... but well done for writing it all down and thank you for sharing!

i have never met more inspirational and caring women than the ladies here in second tri losses and i know i wouldnt have gotten over alot of issues if i hadnt told them and gotten advice! the road ahead is long but we are all here to support you should you need it, i agree with trying to find 'normal' again... i dont think ill ever be as blissfully ignorant again and its tainted my thoughts of pregnancy forever! but i do think being pregnant with Lily made me realise how much i wanted to be a mother and how devastating it is to loose a child! all i can say is every day gets a little easier, you'll still have days where you cry your eyes out and feel so angry at the world that this happened but you'll get through every day and feel a little stronger with it!

i got the same answers as you did, no cause for her death although it looked like somethin wasnt 'right' but they couldnt put their fingers on it...at first i was annoyed by this but then my OH said to me we should be glad nothing major was wrong because it meant next time we had a better chance of everything being ok!

if you ever need support hun im always here and the ttc after loss section here is great the ladies there have become true friends to me!

always here hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## blav

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby son. We also lost a son at 22 and a half weeks due to a weak cervix, so different problem but very similar heartache. OH and I are also going to try again as soon as we can, so I completely understand how you feel about that (evne though others have seemed to be surprised by this). I hope that the ladies here can offer you some support and help your healing during this very difficult time. I'm sure our babies are playing together in heaven...lots of hugs to you.


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## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry for your loss :cry::cry::cry: thank you for being SO brave to come and share with us..I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 I found myself pregnant and totally surprised, we were done, no more kids for us , but God was I overjoyed :cry::cry::cry::cry: I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, I was set up for a D&E and at the time I didn't know what that was when I went home and found out what a D&E was I just could not do it and I didn't care what happened to me at that point I just knew I couldn't have it done, I didn't want Ava born that way (I already had the seaweed they call it up in me) I refused to get it done and I gave birth on my toilet, I know it sounds horrible but it was the best choice for me. I held my Ava and we buried her on 3/11/2011. My life is and never will be the same, I long for my little girl I miss her, my heart is broken, she is my little angel and I know she is waiting for me . I had an encounter with a total stranger who came up to me and said please don't think I am crazy but this is a need inside of me and I need to tell you this she said : you need to move on and let her go and you need to let go of this sadness you have so deep inside, everything is fine you are blessed and good things will happen for you, she hugged me and walked away. That was my sign from my Ava that i had to let go and let her get her wings, they say babies don't get their wings till their loved ones let go, and I so wanted Ava to have her wings,:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

Our lives will never be the same, I am crying as i am writing to you cause I know your pain and it hurts so deeply and nobody understands us, this is why i am here, cause I need to be around people who know my pain. Everyone thinks I should be over this well guess what i will never be over this, my heart has a hole in it forever and the only reason I am still alive is for my 3 boys cause if I didn't have them I know I would not be here, I would be with Ava.
If you ever need me to talk or cry just message me, we all are here for you day or night.
Again, I am so sorry.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## DueSeptember

* Sorry for your Loss the Ladies here are Wonderful!! I didnt want to go to counseling or support in my area either Ive just been on the website and when we are down we all support each other *


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## Blondie007

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs:: :hugs:


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## MummyStobe

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you've had to join us here. I lost my son 3 months ago at 19+5 and I too lingered here for a while before feeling ready to share my story.

All the ladies here are amazing. I hope you get as much comfort and support from them as I have. This site has been my lifeline over the past 3 months. Although my RL friends have been very supportive, they don't understand the pain I feel like the ladies here do. Our stories may all be slightly different but the pain and grief we suffer is the same. I don't know where I'd be today if it hadn't been for the support I got here.

I hope you'll join us in the ttc and pregnancy support group when you feel ready.

Thinking of you at this difficult time. :hugs:

Fly high little one :angel:


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## SarahJane

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my daughter in April at 22+5 with a very similar story to yours. Loads of love and hugs :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss, don't aplogise for not writing sooner, it's really hard to do. Thank you for sharing your little son's story with us, you are very brave. I hope you can accept our welcome into the club nobody wants to be part of! I never thought I'd end up in here, I don't think any of us did, but I am so glad I met the ladies in here, they really have kept me sane. 8 weeks was a hard time for me and many others, I hope we can help you through it. 

xxx


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## babylou

Sorry for your loss. I am pleased you found the strength to let us know your story. :hugs:

I understand not wanting to post straight away, in fact there are things about my story that I'm just not ready to speak about even now 7 weeks later.:cry: I know I will eventually, and I know the support will be here for me when I do.

love and hugs xxx :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

babylou said:


> Sorry for your loss. I am pleased you found the strength to let us know your story. :hugs:
> 
> I understand not wanting to post straight away, in fact there are things about my story that I'm just not ready to speak about even now 7 weeks later.:cry: I know I will eventually, and I know the support will be here for me when I do.
> 
> love and hugs xxx :hugs:

Yes the support for sure will be here..xoxoxoox:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Hellylou

Hi and welcome :hugs: I am so sorry for your loss and to hear such a sad story. Finding out such news without your OH there must have been particularly difficult. It's so tragic - we go through our pregnancies not imagining for a second that something could go so terribly wrong. It is such a shock, and for me, over 2 months later, I still can't quite believe that my baby is gone, and that it really did happen.

We are all here for you whenever you need to talk, and to see you through your TTC and rainbow pregnancy journey. You are not alone. :hugs::hugs:


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## yazoo

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. 

I also lost my little boy at 22 weeks and like you I lurked around here for a long time before I posted (I still haven't shared his story). The ladies on here are absolutely wonderful and I really don't know what I would do without them all. I look forward to coming on here everyday to hear from everyone and it has been such a great source of comfort for me. We share our pain, fears and even laughter and I am so thankful to every single person on here who has made this horrible journey more tolerable. I hope you can get the same comfort as I have. 

People in real life don't understand this grief what we carry inside. It will never go away even though people think we should get over it quickly. We will always carry this pain within our hearts and I don't think any of us will be the same people we were before we lost our babies. There will be good days and bad and I promise you we will all be here for you. 

Again I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. Fly high little one. :kiss::kiss:


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## rossyrozela

Iam so sorry to hear your pain,i lost my baby at 20 weeks and 5days,i went for my 20 weeks scan and i was told my baby had so many abnormalities and chances of life were next to impossible .I was adviced that termination was the best thing at that point .I ried and cried,i still have days when i cry,i guess its ok to let it out ,i always wonder if the pain will ever go away but i guess not.
Take each day as it comes and feel whatever you want to feel,i have found this site to be the most comforting place for me,it feels right to speak to pople who have been through the same, people say one needs counselling as for me i dont think it would work and what i went through is very personal and only someone who has been where i have been can understand it.
Once again iam so sorry for your loss and your pain.you are in the right place.
\


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## Andypanda6570

rossyrozela said:


> Iam so sorry to hear your pain,i lost my baby at 20 weeks and 5days,i went for my 20 weeks scan and i was told my baby had so many abnormalities and chances of life were next to impossible .I was adviced that termination was the best thing at that point .I ried and cried,i still have days when i cry,i guess its ok to let it out ,i always wonder if the pain will ever go away but i guess not.
> Take each day as it comes and feel whatever you want to feel,i have found this site to be the most comforting place for me,it feels right to speak to pople who have been through the same, people say one needs counselling as for me i dont think it would work and what i went through is very personal and only someone who has been where i have been can understand it.
> Once again iam so sorry for your loss and your pain.you are in the right place.
> \

I am also so deeply sorry for your loss. I lost my Ava at 20
weeks, That was 9 months ago and I cry all the time. This grief just never ends and the pain is so great that i couldn't explain it even if I wanted to ( To someone who never experienced it)
Nice to meet you and I hope you will join us here, all the ladies here are amazing.. XOOXOX Andrea:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## mhazzab

welcome, as Nikki said, to the club nobody wants to be a member of. I'm glad you have found us, you will find so much love and support here. I read your post last night, sorry I didn't get a chance to reply until now, but I wanted to make sure I had the time to do it properly.
Like you, I lurked around the pregnancy sections of this site, never expecting to have to come into here, and even when my pregnancy ended, I still just lurked in here for a while, until I felt the courage to post. Just reading the threads helped.
I'm so glad being in here has given you some comfort, and don't apologise for taking a while to say hi, it takes time to feel ready.

Like you, I had the perfect pregnancy. Although I was high risk because I was carrying twins, everything was going so well, and it was such a shock when it all came crashing down on me at 23 weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss, and that you were on your own when you found out, that must have been so hard.

Like you I am a bit paranoid about real life folks finding me on here, but, in the process of trying to heal myself, probably let out more identifying information about myself than I meant to! if you ever want to talk about what happened to you, or just to boast to someone about your beautiful little boy, I am always happy to communicate by PM, as are the others ladies around here. Do whatever it takes to find the comfort and support you need.

I have found it hard to find someone who understands me in real life, the idea of an in-person support group didn't appeal to me either, this forum really has been my life-line, I have made some wonderful friends on here.

I was never given a reason for my loss either, 'just one of those things' apparantly.
As you can see, I am now pregnant again, and have also found some wonderful support on the TTC and Preg. thread in here. We are here to help you deal with your grief,support you through TTCing, when you get that BFP and the whole scary 9 months after that!

xxx


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## OliveBay

Wow ladies, thanks so much for being so welcoming and for your kind words. Your stories and messages made me cry but in a way they were good tears - its good to let them out and know that there are people who know pretty much exactly how I feel. I'm so pleased I came out of hiding to join you!


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## prgirl_cesca

I am so sorry for your loss, I can just feel the sadness coming through your post.

Good luck with TTCing again, I hope it happens quickly for you and you have your much deserved baby soon. I'm sure it will all work out xxxxxxx


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## amotherslove

so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing. 
even as far along as i was, which was not as far as anyone else here, but father than those in the miscarriage forums, i still cannot write my story from start to finish. i told it to peple in pieces as it happened.. but now.. i just can't relive it.. so i can imagine what incredible courage it took to write that<3 welcome


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## QuintinsMommy

so sorry :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

amotherslove said:


> so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing.
> even as far along as i was, which was not as far as anyone else here, but father than those in the miscarriage forums, i still cannot write my story from start to finish. i told it to peple in pieces as it happened.. but now.. i just can't relive it.. so i can imagine what incredible courage it took to write that<3 welcome

And one day and trust me the day will come you will tell it, but in your time nobody else's. I told my story and then months later I also told a lie that I had to admit, the lie was I didn't go to the hospital when I should have and I gave birth in my home on purpose :cry::cry::cry: I didn't even admit that to my husband, but I posted it on here, why? Cause I was ready to and whenever your are ready then we all will be here for you, in your time , not ours..:kiss:
XOXOXOOXOXO


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## winterwonder

I'm so sorry for you loss :hugs: I lost my little boy at around 19 weeks and delivered at 20, I have found this place really helpful during this time even if i'm only lurking but i was also offered a chance to attend monthly meetings held by the hospital which i've also been going to and they're also really good even if you dont talk to anyone and just listen to others its a comfort to have others around who know what it feels like. xxx


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