# Argh!!



## purpledahlia

Ok, im in a huge Dilema, again.

FOB as you know was meant to come up etc.. we had arranged it and he never bothered etc, i told him that was it, he had let me down yet again and all the rest, then he said ok look ill come up at the end of the month, i said well im not free! i kept a whole weekend free for you and you didnt bother!! I have fully booked my weekends till end of nov as thats the only times i get the use of the car.. and the insurance runs out end of nov.....

So he gets the hint , im mad etc, he tries to call me everyday for about 4 days, i missed some, and i 'acidentally' missed the rest.. in the heat of the moment when i was mad he had yet again let me down i said to him id contact him when shes born and he can come up after but till then there was no point and that i didnt want anything from him and didnt need him.

Now i dont need him.. but i do need help buying baby things.

I got my Grant of 190 but after some payments coming out my acc im left with 150...my IS is coming in on monday and the 12th, Gonna get the form for the sure start grant signed on friday and sent off, but apparently it takes about 4 weeks and theres a postal strike... SO 5/6 weeks till i see it!! im due in 8!

I need SO much!!

I found a small cot for 100 and mattress is 65.. and while i was on mothercare i made a shopping list with the whole bedding that id need, cellular blankets, sheets, bedding set, mobile etc... its comes to 390!!!!!!!!! 

My mum thinks i should just ask him if he could buy it.. since he never came up but had money to come up he cud use that money towards the baby instead.. but im too scared to ask since i said i didnt need anything from him! Pride i guess.. what do i do? If he bought that i could get it built and set up in the next 2 weeks.. im 32 weeks on Fri.... :dohh: And then i would have the 150 to get things like baby bath, change mat, nappies, things for my hospital bag.. i dunno wot to do. x


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## sweetlullaby

Im not too sure on what to advice.....Do you have a moses basket or carrycot for LO that you could use for a while until you built up the money to get the cot and mattress etc?

£100 for a small cot? Hmmm do you have an Ikea anywhere near you...or you could order online? they do nice cots for reasonable prices theres a nice one at £75.00 and they're good quality also Smyths Toys do a small one for £59.99 at the minute. Are you looking for a specific mattress? The woman in mothercare told me that the cheapest one does exactly the same job and its just a bit of a waste buying the really expensive ones. Ikea do really cheap one for about £20-25 quid. Tthe Feet to foot foam mattress is about £30.00 in most places. 

I've only got a few cellular blankets as people have knitted them etc for me and they are pretty expensive unfortunatly but places like matalan do them for about £6.00 for cot/cotbed. You don't really need a beding set as the quilt you get with it isnt suitable under a year old, the pillowcase is useless under a year as well and a cot bumper can only be used for a short time as well(i think) so the only thing really useful in those sets is the sheets! As for sheets you can use normal flat sheets that you would use for a single bed and just tuck them in really well (i think!) or try instore or b and m bargains places like that (pound shops) they have sometimes got little baby sections and can get cot sheets for £3.49 for two etc and gorgeous shawls for £1.99 etc

Or you could contact him and give him a little white lie saying there's been a mess up with your money coming in and you've still things to get for the baby and ask him would he give you some money to buy stuff as your money isnt gonna come thru til after or really close to your due date etc. We all have our pride tho!

*sudden thought* could you ask your mum to lend you the money and you will pay her back the minute your sure start grant comes through?? If you talk to her im sure she'd understand about why you don't really want to ask FOB or could you speak to his family?

Try freecylce .....need a yahoo account to set up but you could try it on a whim that someone near you has some stuff you could collect? Or ebay and search collection in person only and within a distance radius? 

Kind of rambled a bit.... but hope something helps and that everything works out for ya :hugs: xx


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## lou_w34

I guess in situations like this, your just gunna have to bite the bullet, swallow your pride and ask him. Perhaps you could word it defferently though? Make it sound like your giving him a chance to be decent to help, soemthing along the lines of..... "Is your offer of buying the baby something still going to happen? As i need to know, and cant wait around for you to give me the money as im on a time schedule" Then if he says yes, say you still need to get the cot and bedding and would he like to get them? Then he can send you the money down?

Im sorry he's being a pain :hugs: Hopefully he will see it as a chance for him to do something of use.


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## purpledahlia

ooh i forgot to say sweetlullaby its not like a whole set of bedding on the shopping list, its just 2 packs of flat sheets (2 in a pack) and 2 packs of cellular blankets (2 in a pack) then a bumper and mobile out of a bedding set and a cot tidy, I just chose the stuff individually cos like you said dont need things like a quilt of pillow case or anything so not got the whole set just meaning all the bedding ill need, Chose the deals and the plain sheets/cellular as theyre cheaper...
Theres an Ikea inEdin but i cant get there unfortunately and i found with Ikea they only have 1 or 2 height options, The one i found has 3.. Mattress i have no idea if its the cheapest but i was advised to get a sprung one and thats the price for the size of the cot if u get me.. i thought £65 was cheap LOL.. thought mattresses went up to ridic prices like 150 and above? ~Ill have another look tho, 

Unfortunately my mum cant lend me the money, shes bought the pram and carseat at £550.. and as we've not sold our old house and they have to ehat it etc they cant afford to lend / buy me anything else esp with christmas coming up. (which suits me because the more they save the more chance my mum will get a new car and then i et her old one - i'd rather wait for that) 

I am on freecycle but all the time i go on the area im in is all Wanted and no Offers.. which sucks!!

I am gonna investigate Ebay tho, But even still.. No matter where the stuff is from... I cant afford it :(

I just dunno whether i should just struggle on or if i should just ask... He has done nothing so far.. If he saved money to come up here and pay for a BnB then do u think its bad to ask him to use that to buy some things? or would that be giving him some control...


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## Allgood

Hello there. I read these posts sometimes and get so angry.

He is the father of this baby, regardless of what issues you two have, he has an obligation to help you look after this child and that includes providing clothes, food, toys, bedding etc.

You shouldn't have to ask him, he should just be doing it. What kind of a man is he? Is he 6 years old or something? Tell him to man up, get a job and start acting like father.


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## Pyrrhic

You really don't need that much hun :hugs:

maybe post your mothercare list up so some of us Mums can have a look?


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## Perdita

How much???? I think you need to shop around a little - mothercare is quite expensive so it pays to try other places!


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## purpledahlia

Ive found tesco have flat sheets for cheaper, so thats fine, Its the cot and the mattress that are the main things. 

Allgood i agree he has an obligation... but hes so controlling and always seems to be lying to me..im ultimately scared of him to be honest. We had made arrangements to meet and discuss more important things 4 times in London and he never showed up, just left me waiting, and then he was meant to come up to Scotland, He just didnt get abck in touch for weeks and didnt come up, i gave up 4 days and said no to plans etc but he never bothered to tell me he couldnt make it. Hes so unreliable - its not good enough. Then the last 4 nights ive said to him will he be online and ill speak to him then.. hes said yes but never come on. Im just at the end of the road now. I really need a cot and mattress ordered but im scared he will either say no - or use it against me in the future '' well i did help i bought a cot '' althought it IS helping to buy it.. its hardly being a good father.. he thought coming up 4 days before im due and being here for the birth was showing '' all the commitment '' bearing in mind ive not seen him since i was 8 weeks when he told me i was a selfish bitch suining his life and i HAD to '' GET THIS SORTED OUT ASAP '' etc.

On the list i had -

2 pack of cotton flat sheets x2
2 pack of cellular blankets x2
waterproof mattress protector
bumper
mobile
knitted pram/cot blanket 
cot
mattress
think thats it, 
oh cot tidy 

Theres so much more i need, more muslins, bath support, some towels for baby (our ones are all hard and too rough for a baby - mum only just discovered fabric softner :rofl:) and nappies and wipes and changing mat and stuff. 

was gonna ask him last night but he never came online, should i just text him? What should i say? Can i borrow some money for some baby things till i have some?


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## purpledahlia

oh and Allgood... hes 27 in a few months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## sweetlullaby

Ahhh right lol thought you meant those bedding sets that start at like £50.00!

Flip.....:( I know its all really expensive for baby stuff....FOB in my case hasnt bought a single thing n i havnt seen him since i was 19-20 weeks. It is really hard...at times i've panicked and worried about whether i have the money for stuff. I work part time and my boss has been really decent giving me overtime in the mornings and stuff and I've saved like crazy and nearly everything i've bought has been on offer or reduced and family have helped.

Hmmmm only thing i can think of is sending him a message and saying to him look this is your child as well, you have a responsibility to her and there's a hold up with money i was supposed to be getting so i cant buy cot and mattress at the minute and do you want to buy them/send money to me?(sort of do your bit type thing) say do you want to buy them and if he says no .....then tell him that its his child that will be doing without and he's a cruel b******(sorry lol) and he can forget coming up when she's born type thing that if he isnt willing to help out now he's showing he doesnt give a damm about the baby or you. 

And if he does agree....its not really giving him any control because he will have only bought a cot/mattress/both and as we all know babys need and cost a hell of a lot more than that!And buying one or two things doesnt prove he's a good father etc. 

I hope that something works out for ya.....if he says no you could try and get a crisis loan (no interest dont think) off your local council/ housing benefits office place and pay it back when your Sure start grant comes through! xx


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## purpledahlia

Yeah i think ill text him, im just not sure what to say and because im pissed off at him for not coming online last night even tho we had agreed we both would and i was sitting.... i dont know how to word it without that coming across to him... he offered once to buy something as '' a sorrry to me '' to ME... idiot.. i dont want him to say sorry to me i want him to contribute!!


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## sweetlullaby

Yeah know what you mean....as a sorry to you...what an idiot!! Hmmm maybe dont mention him not coming online to talk to you last night might put his back up and make him be nasty. Just see if he says anything about it like sorry i couldnt come online something came up etc. But yeah give him a text about contributing etc xx


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## purpledahlia

well thats that idea out the window.. i didnt see your reply and i mentioned last night and hes name calling and telling me im hormonal and unreasonable and petit. I sat online till 12 waiting for him.. i said whatever is more important than discussing his child i hope he sorts it out because theres no way he is treating my baby like he treats me and he said he didnt know i wanted to talk about her.. what else would i of wantd to talk about?! christ sake it wasnta a courtesy call. I just wanna cry. I hate him.


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## sweetlullaby

:( He sounds like he's being a complete arsehole. Thats so unfair on you!!:( your not unreasonable and there is no need for him to call you names. What else would you have been wanting to talk about??!! what an idiot!! Your pregnant with his child!! even if it was just a courtesy conversation you were wanting to have it isnt fair for you to be sitting up until all hours waiting on him coming online as he had previously agreed. Its uncomfortable sitting in front of a computer/laptop for hours on end!!

This is so unfair on you :( especially because of money worries etc! Do you have a moses basket( not sure if you said you had or not) Could you use one for the first few months/ weeks until you can afford to get the cot and mattress etc?? It would be a good bit cheaper and you can always sell it on ebay once you got the cot etc. xx


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## purpledahlia

Do you think i should just bite the bullet and text again and say 

'' look despite being let down and pissed off with you i have to put my pride to the side for the sake of the baby, i was gonna ask you if i could borrow some money to buy a cot and mattress and a bit of bedding as i cant afford one and its kind of an important peice of furniture.. if not ill ask someone else '' 

see what he says?? hopefully he will say i dont have to pay it back?i was gonna say could i borrow £200........ ?? :S im scared


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## lilyd

Personally, I would ask him to buy the cot rather than lend you the money and see where you get. I think it is the least he can do. If he says no, then maybe you could ask him to lend it to you instead, but I don't think asking him to contribute £200 is unreasonable - he must realise how much kitting a baby out is going to cost?


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## purpledahlia

yeah its true, i dont really WANT to ask to borrow it.. id rather ask to have it for the cot etc.. but i guess im a scaredy cat. He is still texting.. says he might be on later.. i i guess i could just ask then? ah im getting a headache. Why do they manage to have so much control just by SPEAKING..


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## purpledahlia

he says i dont know what he ''intends to do '' for baby... but how can i know if he doesnt communicate with me and tell me!!!! im so frustrated!!! im like a big secret in his life, im not allowed to be fb friends with him and his friend who i deleted (cos he was going on and snooping on my page but yet im banned from his) keeps re-adding me.. im so fed up, why is he acting ashamed?!?!?!


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## teal

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time with him just now :hugs: 

I would agree that it's better to ask him to buy the cot rather than ask him to borrow money. You shouldn't even have to ask him - if he is wanting to be invovled then he should be asking you what you need help with. It might be better to ask him while you're texting rather than waiting around for him to come online again. 

xx


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## sweetlullaby

I would go ahead and just ask him in the text because if he doesnt come online then it'll keep getting put off and put off if you know what i mean. Just say "you said you dont know what you intend to do for baby"...if your willing you could contribute by buying the cot/ mattress etc as you cant really afford it right now and dont want LO going without

:hugs: it sucks i know :( they have so much control and everything they do/say affects us :( xx


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## purpledahlia

hes being horrible, i want to cry. :(


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## teal

I know it's easier said than done but try not to let him get to you :hugs: xx


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## sweetlullaby

:hugs: try not to let him get to you...i know its easier said than done tho ...my post on monday i was trying my hardest not to just burst into tears coz im so fed up with it all and worried :( It sucks. Have you asked him and he's been horrible or is he just being horrible? xx


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## purpledahlia

hes just being horrible. I said to him i dont know what he thinks he has done exactly to deserve me thinking about him and his feelings.. cos i can only judge by what hes done so far which is.. nothing.. but he said he will come on later and ill ask him then.


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## teal

I hope you get on ok later - if he bothers to make the effort this time :hugs: xx


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## sweetlullaby

I hope you get an ok as well and i hope he comes online for you! :hugs: x


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## purpledahlia

i said im not holding my breath and he said ''ok grumpy speak later'' gggrrrr


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## teal

It's horrible he is speaking to you like that when you're already feeling stressed. 

I imagine he is trying to be funny but you really don't need it. :hugs: 

I feel really annoyed for you - I must be feeling hormonal! xx


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## sweetlullaby

"ok grumpy speak later" 

I admire your strength :) i would have freaked out at that ....big time!! My horomones would have made me go mad! Agree with teal ..think he's trying to be funny which you dont need when your so worried and stressed out :hugs:

xx


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## purpledahlia

yeah hes trying to make the whole thing into a joke.. like i have no reason to be annoyed.. he doesnt get it!! i said to him im not caring about u coming online anymroe i am just mad at the way your fucking speaking to me!!! and he again tried to twist it to make me out to be the bad one! well hes not online yet.. 9.15pm!....


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## sweetlullaby

What an arsehole. :hugs: i hope he's been online by now its 23.20!! Let us know how you get on. They always twist everything to make us out to be the ones in the wrong!!Its really annoying!xx


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## purpledahlia

nope, he JUST litterally text me, '' not gonna be online because hes not staying at his mums, theres a reason for that ok, can i ring him '' i said no i cant ... friends gone into labour and want my phone free (for updates! :)) plus i just cant be doing with his sarcastic jokes and shit, nevermind!


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## teal

You would think he could have said this earlier rather than leave you waiting online :hugs: 

I think you made the right choice not phoning him - you don't need to listen to him being horrible and sarcastic. I really hope he does the right thing and helps you out with the cot - although it's not so much helping you out as helping out his child! xx


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