# My journal: PAL journey



## cupcake23

Hello... I thought I would start a journal so I could have a sounding board 

Where do I start, I'm 31, oh 32. End of last year I decided that it was a good idea to try for #3, stopped the pill beginning of January and got my bfp on the 3/3/16, I was so excited that it happened so quickly and so happy that I would get my 2016 baby.... sadly at 8 weeks I started miscarrying which was devastating and I'm still trying to cope with many emotions and fears I have to ttc again&#128546; 

It's only been 2 weeks so everything is still very raw but getting better, took a test last night which was already negative, I thought I would be upset but it's really a relief, I have a scan in EPU on Sunday to make sure everything is fine. 

I'm trying to be calm and find peace with what happened but finding that is very difficult, doesn't help that my oh helps by giving me space which makes feels very lonely, luckily my 2 kids keep busy, though my dd asking for a baby sibling doesn't help&#128577;

After 2 healthy children having this miscarriage has questioned my body's ability to carry another, I suppose anyone that has a mc questions this &#128542; But I know my family is not complete and I can't wait to ttc, it will be an anxious journey but being on this board has kept me sane &#128515;

So... I already feel like my period is going to start, but my body hates me so is probably playing games with me! So I'm waiting for my 1st af then it's down to business.


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## Jchihuahua

Hi, so sorry for your loss. I would like to follow your journal. I also had a miscarriage recently, started bleeding on 20th March and I was also 8 weeks.


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## cupcake23

I'm sorry for your loss jchihauhua, thank you for joining me here, how are you doing? 

It was my first shift back to work last night since my mc, I was so anxious but my shift was pleasant enough and nobody asked me to many questions on my absence so I couldn't dwell on anything, it's good to be back, get some normality back in my life.


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## mrs unicorn

Hi cupcake, we've crossed paths on other threads but wanted to pop in to say hi and I'll be following. I'm glad going back to work wasn't too bad. It's so hard having to go back to 'normal' life afterwards. Fx af arrives soon for you. I'm cd6 into our first cycle TTC after the MMC so I'll be on this journey with you. Xx


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## cupcake23

Thank you Mrs Unicorn, thank you for all the advice since my mc and for joining me here. 

Well I've had 5 hours sleep, think I need more &#128564; But when I went to the toilet I definitely had ewcm... Mmm, I've been getting pinching/ slight cramping for the last couple of days so I thought af was going to arrive, usually have no cm prior to my period so this just confuses me! I've never taken bbt/ plotted charts to check out my fertility so any tips would be appreciate, does it matter that I work shifts?

So now I'm in 2 minds... Do I dtd and try my luck or wait for af first &#129300; Not even sure oh will touch me with a barge pole to be honest, last time (1st time following mc) I cried &#128580;


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## mrs unicorn

Maybe you're just about to ovulate then? My ovulation was delayed by 6 days if you took the erpc as cd1. You can temp if you work shifts, there's a bit on fertility friend that tells you the best way to do it. Do you use opks? That might be easier than temping, or use both maybe.


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## cupcake23

Thanks Mrs unicorn, when ever I click on a fertility friend link all the numbers/ chart confuse me &#128518; So I give up, never used an opk... I'm going to have to do some research.

So we did end up dtd, so here goes... I'm going to see how this month goes, anything can happen, if af arrives I'll start getting serious with ttc and see if taking bbt/ opk will help. I'm overall feeling so much better and was able to talk about my mc to a close work colleague without crying this morning, the physical part of a mc I could deal with but the overwhelming sense of loss and failure were so overpowering, I still feel that way but it feels so good not being engulfed by it all. It's also helped that I've had very supportive family & friends. 

One more night shift, then annual leave, can't wait.


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## cupcake23

So I've had 2 hours sleep post night shift:coffee: 

Think the rollercoaster of trying to deal with a mc has taken its toll on my relationship with oh, he said a few things that I can't forget and now that puts my ttc journey on hold, transpires that my oh is actually worried about us getting pregnant again in case I mc again, he doesn't think I could handle it, I don't think he could handle me:cry:

So Im lost, I was so positive yesterday morning, getting back to normal but this has thrown me, I know I haven't appreciated my oh feelings on it all but I thought our relationship was strong but apparently not.


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## mrs unicorn

Sorry to hear that cupcake. There was a time that my DH couldn't even think about bd again, he even said he didn't want to try again straight away and wanted to leave it a few months. I was crushed. We talked it through again the next day and said lets just see how we feel next cycle. Luckily he's on board with it again now. But it can be really hard to see things in a positive/exciting light again once you have been through such heartache. Maybe give him some time and try to have another chat with him?

I think it's natural to worry about mc again. I know I do, and all the ladies I chat to on here who have lost one do too. But the reality is we are no more likely to mc again than anyone else. Again, very hard to accept or believe but there's nothing to suggest that it would happen again. Is your OH aware of this?


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## cupcake23

Thank you Mrs unicorn, that's basically what happened, he refused to bd with me, technically I don't know if I'm even ovulating so all I wanted was a quickie before work &#128586; In my head if I fell pregnant then that would be lovely but I have no expectations this month, however my dh just felt I was using him, that I haven't coped well following the mc and communication has been awful between the 2 of us... I'll give him the last two, I went through the mc on my own, hiding in my bedroom. I've only cried to him once about it all but he knows I've spoken to others openly about it (close female family/ friends), he felt excluded, which he probably was but that was the only way I could cope with it at the time, I just couldn't share my grief with him, it just made everything worse. 

He just wants to know I am ok and that we are on the same page, it probably didn't help that I've barely seen him in 4 days, hopefully we can talk about things this evening. 

Anyway... How's your ttc going Mrs unicorn? I went on fertility friend and I can now understand the charts &#128578;, it seems so useful. Are things going well for you?x


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## mrs unicorn

I felt the same. I explained to DH that it was more about getting that side of our relationship back rather than TTC. I didn't know when I would ovulate either.

Glad you're getting to grips with FF. I like it because I feel like it confirms that I o'd and that's always a relief. I don't always temp during the tww because it stresses me out! I figure what's done is done by that point anyway!

This cycle is going well so far. I'm only cd8 but we're back to bd now. Always feels wierd sticking to a schedule!!


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## lesondemavie

Hi cupcake, Glad to see things are moving along for you a bit now, as painful as it may be. Forward is good, and you will get there to that baby. I think we're all questioning our bodies and what they can or can't do. We have such little control, and the stakes seem so high. If it helps any, my mother miscarried her 4th pregnancy, and then went on to have my youngest brother. There are so many stories is success after an MC. Fx that will be all of us one day too xxx.


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## cupcake23

I think the most important thing is that my relationship with my dh is strong so that we can support each other, I told him I've never known grief like it and he didn't expect my reaction, we've been very lucky in life, no big upsets so this has been our biggest hurdle, I still can't get away from doubting my body, it physically happened to me, so I did something wrong... those lovely thoughts in my head, I'm usually a rational person so know I had no control over it but like you say leson the stakes are so high, the fear is real. 

I really do hope that it will happen to all of us very soon x


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## lesondemavie

Yes, there is a beauty in this pain. DH and I grew even closer and it was just so wonderful to see how strong we are as a couple in the face of something so devastating (expected but wonderful). I wish we didn't have to find out, but I'm happy to say that we are more in love than ever before (and I didn't think that was possible).


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## cupcake23

So dh and I had a good chat last night, no distractions and everything feels so much better between us. 

I think I was ovulating this week from cm and some ovulation pain, not sure when to test as have no predicted af date &#129300; But I did buy some ICs, pack of 30 &#128586; So I'll probably become a poas addict.

I have my follow up scan tomorrow, hopefully all is well. I confirmed with an OB that it was ok to ttc following misoprostol and before af so that's reassuring but I probably should have waited for my scan just to get the all clear as I dread the thought of being told it's still incomplete but I'm sure everything is fine now.


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## mrs unicorn

I'm so glad you and your DH have had a good chat. It makes things so much easier when you've cleared the air.

In terms of af/testing do you know how long your normal lp is? Mine actually stayed the same after the mc so I knew when af would arrive - didn't stop me testing like a nutter though!!! :haha:


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## cupcake23

I have no idea, I was very lucky conceiving in each of my pregnancies, so this is all new to me... I have very regular 28 day cycles, each time conceiving it's been bang in the middle of it, this is all new to me.


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## ttc126

Hi cupcake I wanted to follow along. I too lost my 3rd back at the beginning of February. We will be ttc again next cycle which is about 7 days away &#128512; 

I think everything you're dealing with is normal and a lot of the relationship bumps will smooth themselves out.


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## cupcake23

Thank you for joining me ttc126, I'm sorry for you loss, good luck with your ttc journey.

You are completely right, I just naively thought it was all about me and how I dealt with the mc, not appreciating my dh thoughts/ feeling or the turmoil it can cause but like you say they things will smooth over.


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## cupcake23

I had my scan this morning, hpt was negative and misoprostol worked but I have to have another scan in 2 weeks time as she noted some bleeding in the endometrium... 

I asked her when i could start ttc and she said not until my first af, she didn't seem impressed when I told her I've had unprotective sex with my dh but she said not to worry, however I am now as I don't know how this isolated bleeding will effect ttc, she said if it's still there in 2 weeks I'll have to speak to the Drs. It's so frustrating as I just wanted to get the all clear &#128530;


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## mrs unicorn

Sorry about that cupcake. It's so frustrating when you just want to try and get back to normal. Are you still spotting then? Or could it be the beginning of af? It's just I remember at my scan at 11 weeks I started spotting and they said they could see an area that looked like it could be the start of a bleed. Hope it's af starting to arrive for you.


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## cupcake23

I'm so bored of it all, just wanted this to be over with.

When I went in she asked me if I had stopped bleeding, which I have, no spotting or bleeding for nearly 2 weeks, she asked me again about bleeding during the scan and didn't mention anything about af arriving. Considering it's been only 2 weeks would I expect af so soon? I don't know what to think, sometimes I think they should give you 5 mins to think of questions before they allow you to leave.


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## mrs unicorn

Could you call someone and ask? Has it been two weeks since you stopped bleeding or two weeks since you started?


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## cupcake23

2 weeks of no bleeding, my mc only lasted 1 week. I've been able to contact someone at work who's told me not to worry about the scan but not to get pregnant before af! I'm so annoyed with myself for getting carried away. Now I'm praying af turns up &#128532;


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## ttc126

Oh hon I'm sorry! Sounds very frustrating! I was told not to expect AF for 4-6 weeks post miscarriage. It's such a process. Your lining is trying to heal up and everything is trying to get back to normal. I got my first AF 31 days after my mc (from day of miscarriage starting not end of bleeding).


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## mrs unicorn

It took 34 days for my af to return after my mc (from the start) and I normally have 28 day cycles. So hopefully you won't have too much longer to wait. You also hear lots of different things about TTC straight after a mc. My hospital said it was fine once the bleeding had stopped. She said the only reason they say to wait until af is purely for dating purposes. But it's always best to take your docs advice, I just wish they were all on the same page.


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## lesondemavie

Hope it's coming soon cupcake. My MMC cycle was 30 days. AF came 31 days after I started bleeding. My cycles are usually 22 days (but my first cycle post-MMC was 24 days and this second one is shaping up to be 25 days bc I'm Oing a bit later than usual).


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## cupcake23

Thanks for all your responses. I have to be patient, there's nothing more I can do.


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## cupcake23

So I realised that I'm kinda in a tww/ af watch mode, I'm 100% sure I was ovulating last week, so every cramp/ twinge I'm feeling is being over analysed &#128580; 

It's 23 days since the start of my mc, only 19 since taking misoprostol so I think I will be waiting for some time for af, it would be amazing to get a bfp but if my body isn't ready for it I'm worried how this will effect a pregnancy &#128533; I feel very lucky that I'm getting such good care from the NHS plus it helps that I work within it so can ask endless questions, what doesn't help is being on annual leave and googling.


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## cupcake23

Not much to update.. I took 2 ic, both negatives, not surprised but thought I would start testing as af is still MIA.


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## cupcake23

Another neg hpt, af still missing. I keep thinking that af is going to arrive but no luck, slight cramping and right sided pain... I hope it arrives soon, back at work on Monday and it will be my luck it arrives then. 

Also since my mc my skin hasn't been the same, I did start taking omega 3-6-9 so I'm not sure if its that, I'm giving it time to settle, never really suffered with bad skin but it's starting to bug me, damn hormones. I also started to take pregnacare preconception vitamins, initially they made me feel nauseous but after 2 weeks I seemed to have got used to them. Hoping al these vitamins help with hormones and getting pregnant.


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## mrs unicorn

Sorry af still hasn't arrived, the waiting is horrible. I also take the Pregnacare vitamins. Not had any trouble with them. Was thinking about omega 3-6-9 too as I take EPO up till ov in an attempt to increase cm. Not sure it works but the bfp cycle was the first time I took it.


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## Jchihuahua

I am in the same position of waiting for AF. If I count the first day of bleeding when my miscarriage started as CD 1 I would now be on CD 35 and no sign of AF. I had cramping and was sure it was coming on Monday and Tuesday and a small amount of brown spotting when I wiped but that was it. I have done 2 HPTs, both negative. I can't bear the waiting. I want my cycle to restart so I can TTC again :(. Also, I have 4 spots on my chin and I never ever got spots before my miscarriage.


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## cupcake23

I thought I would depress myself by looking at the thread I posted my positive hpt in March &#128542;

Oh well, another 2 negative hpt today, can't help myself. Still cramping and now have backache so I'm sure af is coming, which is bittersweet but it means I can start ttc properly. It's a very frustrating process, I hope your af arrives soon jchihauhua.


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## cupcake23

So another bfn this morning, cd 30 if I count first day of mc.

Sitting here at work being asked when am I going to have another baby &#128530; Hate working here when every other person I'm in contact with is pregnant! &#128553;


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## ttc126

I'm sorry cupcake. :hug:


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## cupcake23

So slight PV spotting noted on and off since last night, only on wiping, wearing liners and nothing on it and I have no cramps so I have no idea if it's af or something else going on. Still getting neg hpts, I'm not expecting a positive, but it would be lovely to know what's going on with my own body. 

Apart from that I'm all good, have another scan on Sunday, hopefully get the all clear.


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## cupcake23

At last af has arrived!:wohoo:

So this means CD1, I have a pregnancy calculator for work and using the ovia app both giving me tha same predicted fertile week, I average 28-30 days, I've never had difficulty getting pregnant so I'm praying that it won't be too long till I see a bfp and hopefully a sticky bean :dust:


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## mrs unicorn

Yey, cupcake that's great news! Sending you lots of luck and baby dust!


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## cupcake23

Thank you Mrs unicorn, I'm feeling so positive for this cycle, it's ironic that I should have been excited about my dating scan today but instead I'm excited that af arrived :dohh:


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## Jchihuahua

Great news! Fingers crossed for a BFP at the end of this cycle for us both. My AF arrived yesterday. It feels like a weight off my mind. My dating scan was supposed to be last week :( x


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## cupcake23

Thank you jchihauhua :hugs:


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## cupcake23

So I'm back in EPU for what's hopefully my last scan post mc, I'm on cd 5 and last night dh was hugging me and just said 'let's make a baby' so happy because it's coming from him and I'm not the one forcing the situation &#128512;


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## cupcake23

All went well at my scan, no concerns so I've been given the go ahead to ttc :dance:


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## ttc126

Yay!!!!! Great news!!!!! Hope it's a lucky cycle!


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## Jchihuahua

Good news about the scan. Good luck this cycle. I am going to try the SMEP this cycle.


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## cupcake23

Thank you... What's SMEP jchihauhua?


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## Jchihuahua

https://spermmeetseggplan.com


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## cupcake23

Wow jchihauhua that first page is so interesting... Something to consider if this cycle doesn't work out for me. Thanks for the link x


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## cupcake23

Not much to update, cd 7- feeling good, spent the day with a friend and her gorgeous baby, it was so lovely having cuddles, can't wait for it to be turn &#128522; Was tempted to buy some opks but decided against it, will see how this month goes and go from there.


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## cupcake23

Well, I just don't know how I feel... My emotions are so up and down, it's ok when I'm busy, with kids or work but when I have some time alone all I can think about is the mc, how many weeks I should have been, I should be sharing my good news to all etc and these thoughts go straight to ttc, hoping and praying I get a bfp this month to actually thinking of not ttc in June as that would mean all my kids birthdays in March, should I even care? I hate overthinking but it's impossible not to. My life to this point as been relatively 'easy' I've always got what I wanted... Eventually... but this whole mc has dented my beliefs and made me into that anxious person, the one going crazy with 'what ifs' I'm pretty good at keeping things to myself, friends & family believe I'm doing well, which I am but I'm worried I'm about to burst and actually shout 'ITS NOT FAIR!' :brat:

It probably doesn't help it's been a beautiful day and I've done sod all, probably spent far too much time thinking today, trying to decipher different types of cm:dohh: what a learning curve.


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## ttc126

Oh cupcake! :hugs: What you're thinking and going through is completely normal! It's a big loss whether others recognize it or not! I've been overthinking as well! Could've written what you wrote in fact! You're just working through things still. The day I gave myself permission to go at my own pace and heal in my own time was the day I finally felt a little bit better. You are not alone here and I am thinking of you and praying you'll get your rainbow soon!


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## Jchihuahua

cupcake23 said:


> Well, I just don't know how I feel... My emotions are so up and down, it's ok when I'm busy, with kids or work but when I have some time alone all I can think about is the mc, how many weeks I should have been, I should be sharing my good news to all etc and these thoughts go straight to ttc, hoping and praying I get a bfp this month to actually thinking of not ttc in June as that would mean all my kids birthdays in March, should I even care? I hate overthinking but it's impossible not to. My life to this point as been relatively 'easy' I've always got what I wanted... Eventually... but this whole mc has dented my beliefs and made me into that anxious person, the one going crazy with 'what ifs' I'm pretty good at keeping things to myself, friends & family believe I'm doing well, which I am but I'm worried I'm about to burst and actually shout 'ITS NOT FAIR!' :brat:
> .

I feel EXACTLY like this too. :hugs: xx


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## cupcake23

So I realised this morning I worked 6 days in a row, 3 nights going onto 2 days, no days off in between, no wonder I'm so tired &#128555;

I was still fitting regular bd sessions, I think I had ov pains on Monday, plus loads of ewcm last night and this morning, we bd on Monday, and this morning, I would have liked to dtd on Tuesday & last night but it just didn't happen, felt guilty that I wasn't putting the effort as I know I will be so upset if this cycle doesn't work out but both me and oh were shattered. I had a feel of my cervix, felt low, soft & slightly open so everything is looking positive. 

I continue to take omega 3-6-9 supplements plus magnisium OK monthly cycle, it only contains half the required amount of folic acid so I need to make sure I'm adding this to my diet. I was using pregnacare prenatals which I started to get used to (was making feel me nauseous) but I thought I would try these supplements instead as the added magnisium is meant to help with hyperemesis which I suffered badly previously but not with my mc definitely a warning sign that things were not going to end well with that pregnancy. 

Dh already asked me if I've started testing &#128516; Told him it's far to early, so from next week this journal is going to be bombarded with hcg test. Can't wait x


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## ttc126

I can't wait for testing time!!!!! I usually have hyperemisis too but zero sickness with my mc.... Praying we get healthy beans &#10084;&#65039;


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## cupcake23

I really hope so too! I remember saying never again when I was pregnant with my dd, it never sat right with me that I had no sickness with my mc, tried to be happy but knew something was off, it's strange now I'm looking forward to hyperemesis (hopefully mild), at least then I know things are going the right way.


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## Jchihuahua

cupcake23 said:


> I really hope so too! I remember saying never again when I was pregnant with my dd, it never sat right with me that I had no sickness with my mc, tried to be happy but knew something was off, it's strange now I'm looking forward to hyperemesis (hopefully mild), at least then I know things are going the right way.

Same here. I was so, so sick with my two boys. I was throwing up 12 times a day and couldn't eat or drink or anything. This time I had no sickness at all, no symptoms. I knew something wasn't quite right :(.

I havent managed to follow the smep thing to the letter but have done quite well I think with the bding. I got a positive opk and ewcm last Saturday so at least I know I have ovulated and we bd Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.

Kepping everything crossed for bfps for us all xx


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## cupcake23

It's been a few days, been lurking on bnb, it seems very quiet these days and to be honest I haven't had much to say, don't know how many dpo I am (max 10 days) but I have been testing since Sunday, I've already taken 3 today :dohh: can't seem to help myself, thought I saw something this morning so I thought testing another 2 times would be useful:wacko: 

I hope everyone else is doing well x


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## Jchihuahua

Hi cupcake. I am also testing 3 times a day with ICs but nothing as yet. I think I am 10dpo but I am never sure if you count 1dpo as the day you get a positive opk or whether it would be a day or so after the positive opk. I feel pretty rubbish to be honest. My SIL is pregnant and is only one week ahead of where I should be and I saw her at the weekend with a lovely bump and I'm very happy for her but feel so down and deflated for myself.


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## cupcake23

Aww jchihauhua, it's tough, it's been a strange day for me, thinking of what should have been, doesn't do the soul any good but I just don't know how to actually feel sometimes, I have good days, but the rest of the time the overall feeling is numbness, like I'm just pretending to be my old self, the problem with that is that none of us will be our old selves, always a tinge of sadness. 

I was trying not to pin all hopes on this cycle but I've been caught up in it all, I don't know how I'm going to be if af shows up. 

Here's hoping we starting seeing some lines xxx


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## cupcake23

So I'm cd 25, I thought I saw something catching my eye yesterday morning on a ic, got some opinions on this post https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/pregnancy-tests/2392086-so-do-we-think-2.html#post37329522

Took a test 30mins and it definitely looks like a positive, even showed it to dh and he could see a line! keeping everything crossed, still very early days, so happy but so nervous that the tests are showing evaps or it will be a chemical etc 

Off to work, hope everyone is having a nice weekend x


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## Jchihuahua

Definitely a BFP. Huge congrats!! So happy for you :D x

AF came today for me so I'm out this month x


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## cupcake23

Thank you jchihauhua. I'm still so surprised, I'm trying to stay relaxed and not overthink but I know I already want an early reassurance scan. 

Sorry your af arrived, good luck for this new cycle.


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## cupcake23

So I'm 4+1 today, due 1st February 2017, if all goes well I'm going to be a mum of 3! This pregnancy already feels so different, no cramping no spotting and early bfp, feel so positive about it and can't wait to reach each milestone and enjoy this pregnancy... Not sure I'll be saying that in a few weeks when hyperemesis hits! 

Still get hit with moments of sadness, of what should have been, I'll always treasure the few short weeks I had with my 3rd pregnancy, it's strange to feel such sadness of the unknown.


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## ttc126

Congratulations cupcake! So so happy your rainbow is on the way! I'm so glad you have positive feelings so far &#10084;&#65039;


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## cupcake23

Not been here in ages, been so busy, kids/ work plus a big family wedding last weekend.

I'm now 6 weeks, feeling nauseous and had my first vomit this morning, oh the joys, it's amazing how grateful I am for these lovely symptoms, trying very hard to remain positive through it all, hoping for an early scan, would love to see a little bean with a hb. Im also trying to keep this a secret, only told my mum and she was so happy for me, it will be hard if my nausea/ vomiting gets worse but ideally would like to surprise everyone after my 12 week scan... On that note I've not even referred myself to the midwives, going to wait another week or 2, the aftermath of my mc. 

Hope everyone is well x


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