# Anyone here do a step-parent adoption?



## CanadianMaple

We are just starting the process this month. My son's father has been really far behind on the support, we only get some when they issue a driver's licence denial. He rarely calls and when he does, it's usually ends up with him hanging up on me. He never checks in to ask about his son. 

My lawyer wants to offer him to sign away his rights. I'm not sure if he will sign willingly, so we may end up asking the courts to terminate.

It's a scary process. Just wondering if anyone else has been there.


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## CanadianMaple

Just a quick bump.


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## Lawyer chick

I have. I'm in Ontario Canada. In fact I do them at work as well


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## CanadianMaple

I'm in NB. My lawyer decided that since the courts were getting him to pay some to save his license, the courts may not terminate his rights.

Do you know what the usual guidelines the courts there look for?


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## CanadianMaple

Still looking for anyone who has BTDT.

My son's father just lost his drivers licence today because he is so far behind in child support. He wouldn't tell the enforcement officer where he lives (what province even) or where he works. He last saw our son last summer and spoke to him last for 20 seconds in October. 

I'm not sure if we have a case, men seem to have rights no matter what. He's been a pretty MIA father but will show up here and there to make himself look good. He's been pretty MIA since I got married last summer.


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## Lawyer chick

Would he consent to get rid of his support obligation? I just did grandparent adoption dad is missing in action. We still must try to locate.


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## mrsparoline

Not sure how different it is between Canada and the States, but I've been getting ready to go through the process myself. My son's bio-dad has agreed to sign over his rights and the only reason I think he might not is the influence his mother has over him. He hasn't seen my son in 4 years and child support was never established because we lived in different states and both states were passing the case back and forth because neither one believed they had jurisdiction. 

Anyways, like I said I'm sure it's a bit different but under most state laws here, if the father won't provide an address to mail the papers to sign over custody, then the courts publish the notice in the newspaper of the child's town and the town of the last known address of the father, and he'll have 30 days to contest.

Sounds like in your case it might be a bit different, so if I were you I'd just start preparing your case against him-any legal documents that state how much he owes and for how long he has been in arrears, any printed records of his court appearances that have been negative for him (many courts list these records online now), any texts/emails you may have received from him, etc... It's better to try to get all these things together just in case.

I really hope everything works out for you, keep us updated! I know the laws are probably very different, but if you just want to talk or vent about stupid exes, feel free to pm me!


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## CanadianMaple

I spoke to a new lawyer this week. She also thinks that the courts will probably not terminate his rights at this point, but he may sign since he is having such a hard time with support and doesn't see my son.

I am to now draft a letter asking him officially for his income information for 2010 and 2011, which I am not sure if he has filed. She said that since he did not uphold the court agreement, I don't have to either...I can deny access to prompt him to take me to court to get the support/visitation redone. The courts would likely stagger his visitation so he doesn't attempt to take him for the 48 hrs he was supposed to work toward a year ago.

She thinks the more pressure I put on him, the more likely he will be to sign away his rights.

It's so frustrating that he can be a deadbeat, yet have all of those rights. He has been paying a bit of support to get his drivers license back, but he's still not attempting to catch up. The lawyer said that since they look at support and access separately, I should take every dime I can from him. It will help our case, but won't be the smoking gun like I thought it would be.


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## mrsparoline

Oh man. It sucks so bad when a person can prove that they never deserved the title of "dad" or "mom" but you have to fight to get the courts to recognize they aren't healthy for that parenting role. It sounds like things will work out but it shouldn't be this lengthy of a process. Sorry you have to go through this!


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## Leelee227

I am going through this exact situation right now, but also in the States. My ex is about 5000 dollars in arrears with child support and has only spoken to my son once in the last year and a half. He is an alcoholic, which is why I filed for divorce two years ago. I have kept a journal over the last couple of years because journals are admissible in court, as long as they are well-kept. 
My ex was just served with papers yesterday (in CO) to report to FL next month for a hearing. If he does not file contest or show up for the hearing, the adoption will be finalized at the hearing. He may sign over his rights, though, because I signed an Affidavit of Child Support Forgiveness, which states that if he signs the consent, I will forgive all child support arrearage. You may want to ask your attorney about the possibility of signing something like that to lead him to sign a consent.


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## stevieshelton

I have never adopted but my momma went threw this with my biological "father" whatever you do, Do NOT give up!! My mom tried for around 3 years and finally got his rights terminated. That was when I was about 10 and I'm 19 now. Really push it! My daddy ( step father that's been more like a dad) was tryin to adopt me, and though we never got to do it, we regret it, as he passed away of colon cancer this February. My suggestion is to tell the court how loving your husband is to your son, how much good he's done and how having this "father" of his rights terminated would be better so a real man can step up and love your son and take care of him like you know he can!! I really hope this helps you even the littlest! Pleaaaase keep me posted so we know how it goes :) 
Good luck and god bless!!


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## amjon

I'm in the US, but just had a friend that did that. The FOB didn't send child support and her son didn't want to even talk to him. Her husband adopted him, but I'm pretty sure her ex signed away his rights willingly. They had to go to court several times though.


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## CanadianMaple

Thanks for your posts. It's now been over a year since he has seen his son and the last time he called was in December. He's been paying support since he knows the child support people will take away his license again. He's still in arrears and I'm sure he is not happy with having to pay all of this money.

We spoke to two different lawyers. Both said how hard it is to terminate rights and they told us to wait a few years and see if he makes any contact.

He was 3 when he saw him last and didn't see him much at all during his third year at all. I'm thinking he would be intimidated to try to make contact now, but the guy always was entitled and would probably think our 4 year old has been missing him or something. 

Thank goodness he left when my little guy was just young, he doesn't even really remember him and he hasn't asked about him since November.


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## SLCMommy

I am in the US, and we go to finalize everything in court on Sept 5th.

For us, there was a flat lawyers fee of $1,200 for an uncontested adoption. We met up with the lawyer, he asked questions, wrote up the affidavit/petition to relinquish/volunteer termination of rights and mailed it to bio father, and mailed me a copy.

Bio dad didn't sign it right away, took a good 3.5 weeks for his to do it, but he finally did. His papers needed to be signed in front of a notary and mailed back, which the envelope with stamps on it already came with his papers so he didn't need to pay for it to be shipped back (in our case, I think each lawyer is different).

As soon as my lawyer got the papers, he filed it with our state and that is how we got our court date. So, dad has signed over rights- but the actual adoption hasn't gone through, and that hearing will take place soon.


He had been involved in our two young sons lives, but only as a "pop-up Johnny father", which is a slag for a father who IS present, but not very often and only "plays" with the children but does not have any interest in taking care of them or providing for them. If he was a father that truly cared about his children, than of course I would never think of asking him to sign over his rights.

The bio daddy has drug issues, and while I am uncertain and this point of what they are, in the past he has been in and out of drug rehabilitation facilities and jail, has no higher education (which that part doesn't really matter ) but in that comes in turn, he is a entry-level job jumper. He will quit or gets fired or various reasons. 

Because of him being in and out of jail, and the fact he is a felon in a smaller midwestern town, he is having hard time keep at a job and now, even attaining one. With the economy the way it is, so many people have had to get lower paying jobs just to survive - and there is nothing wrong with it. But, an employer given a choice between someone who is a felon or not, well....

We have gone to court already for him not paying, the judge pretty much told him he needs to pay his child support but because he's got a record and a felon, employers are leery of hiring anyone with a felony.

He owes me a little over $3,000 in child support - and was only ordered to pay $100.00 a month, only $50.00 PER KID! Anything is better than nothing.

A few months ago, he had gotten a cash job doing labor, and was paid real good. It was just a summer job, but at least it was something. He had promised to put some money towards the child support. $300 in all. I told him his one son needed school clothing. He PROMISED he was going to do it. He absolutely never came through. According to his sister, he spent his money on liquor and "legal alternative drugs". Even though this tolls in line with his normal behavior, I was really, really hurt.

He now has a son with another girl (so now he has three children) who he lives with, etc.... *shurgs*


How I got him to sign over his rights was this:

I basically called him, and told him that what he was doing was unfair. That sometimes it takes more love to give up something than it does to keep it. That if my husband was going to assume all responsibilities of taking care of them because we got no help from him, than it's only fair that my husband get the rights too. That if he wants to be a father, he needs to own up or sign them over so my DH can adopt them. That the boys deserve both a mother and a father. I told him that I wouldn't barr him from seeing the boys when we are in our old hometown (we moved to a different state).

It wasn't easy. I had that same conversation with him about six times before he said yes. LOL


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## Leelee227

Just wanted to post a little optimism for everyone! After the last 6 months, my son's birth father still has not signed a consent, but his situation has been declared abandonment since he has not made any contact with my son in a little over a year with no child support. Next Friday my husband and I have a court date to finalize the adoption and terminate parental rights of the biological father. There is hope!


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## mystika802

I am in Ontario and wondering if anyone knows how long a consent to adoption is good for? I have one signed in 2007 and havent been able to afford the full adoption yet, I want to do it now, will it still be valid? Will I have to find him in order to finish the process? My son is 9, I have full custody and the consent to adoption, and he hasn't seen him since he was 2 (other than running into him twice over the years)


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## SLCMommy

mystika802 said:


> I am in Ontario and wondering if anyone knows how long a consent to adoption is good for? I have one signed in 2007 and havent been able to afford the full adoption yet, I want to do it now, will it still be valid? Will I have to find him in order to finish the process? My son is 9, I have full custody and the consent to adoption, and he hasn't seen him since he was 2 (other than running into him twice over the years)

I am not from Canada, but this is how it works in America, which I'd assume would be very similar to Canada:

Once a guy signs over his rights, there is not a "time limit". However, the faster the adoption process is done - the better in case bio father decides he changed his mind. He could get a lawyer and get it reversed before the adoption takes place. Saying now he is better suited to be a father, etc... That is why lawyers don't like mothers to take very long in between getting the father to terminate his rights voluntarily and the adoption process. 

If it's like America, no, you will not need to deal with biological father once he signs over his rights. After bio daddy signs his rights over, he has done is part and he is no longer further needed in the adoption process because him signing over his rights is saying "I no longer want rights to the child", so he would have NO say in whoever adopts your children as the father. So, there is no need to search for him or get him involved at all after he signed. 

The next step would be to hire a lawyer, which should be cheaper now that the "hard" part is over (getting bio dad to sign). In America, the next step would be for the lawyer to petition the court on your husbands behalf for your husband to legally adopt your son. The adoption hearing is usually quick and painless unless the judge sees your husband to be unfit of being the legal father. Please note, every area (even in America) has different rules: Have to be married for a certain amount of years, Adoptive father has to be a certain amount of years older, etc...

Where I am from, my husband and I only needed to be married for a year, and he had to be (and is) at least 10 years older than the children he was adopting. I know some places here in America, the marriage is a little longer in years. 

Some places also require a "home-study", for step-parent adoptions. Someone comes to your home and sees if it's fit. Where I live however, that is not needed to step-parent adoptions.

The only thing you will need to make sure is that your husband has no criminal history in any kind of sexual or domestic abuse, etc... They will run a background check on him. Keep note that not EVERY kind of crime will barr him from adopting your son, only the more "serious" ones.

Your next step is to contact a lawyer, and see how much the next process would be. 

Good Luck,

SLCMommy


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## SLCMommy

We had the adoption hearing September 5! The judge approved the adoption, and now my husband is the LEGAL father of my two boys!! :happydance: :cloud9:

We met our lawyer 20 minutes before the hearing. He went over with us how the hearing would go. Once we got into the hearing, the lawyer asked us questions in front of the judge like "Do you consent to the adoption?" and asked my husband "If you have any natural children with your wife, do you promise to treat these children the same as you would your natural children?" etc.

After, the judge each each child a toy and took a picture with us in front of his bench. I'll try and get the picture uploaded sometime.

:happydance::happydance::happydance:

Just thought I'd share the good experience! It can happen!


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