# My sister is 16 and pregnant! As teen mothers can you give me some advice please?



## MyFirstNoodle

Hello,

I don't belong here as i'm a LTTCer. I'm 21 and I have 2 younger siblings. My brother who is 18 and my sister who is 16 (17 in March) 
My family and I have recently found out my sister is pregnant. I suffer from PCOS and have been TTC this past year which my family know about. I'm in a stable relationship..engaged and live with my partner.
It was a massive shock to find out my sister was pregnant as this is the second time. 
She fell pregnant last April which she decided she couldn't go threw with it. She use to live with her dad (We have different dads but the same mum) and came to live with our nan (Mums mum) in feb last year. My nan warned her before moving in if she was to fall pregnant then she was to leave her house....so 2 months later when she did fall pregnant she was too scared to go back to her dads and have to tell my nan she decided she couldn't keep the baby. She done her GCSE's and the the relationship with her then boyfriend broke down because of it. She then met this new boyfriend who she is expecting with. 
Over the Christmas period I allowed my sister and her boyfriend to stay at mine. She got sick one of the nights so I made her do a pregnancy test the next day which was negative. 4 weeks later she starts crying in my aunts kitchen whilst my nan was shouting at her about college and tells us "shes pregnant"
My nan reacted badly and told her to move out if she wants to keep the baby.... I understand my nan's point of view...my sister or her boyfriend have no jobs, nowhere to live and no way of paying for the baby. So my nan thinks if my sister stays and lives with her she will have to pay for this child as my sister has no way of doing so...shes not entitled to any benefits ect until 18. My nan doesnt want to be raising another child after raising her grandchildren (Me and my brother) as well as her own children. The teen moms on BnB seem so mature compared to my little sister I just dont think she will cope. I feel so awful for thinking this but shes very immature my sister. 
I feel if I support my sister im disobeying my nan which I never want to do as she has done alot for me but at the same time I wouldn't want to see a 16 year old pregnant without any support. 
The day my sister told us all she was pregnant again she even offered me her baby as she knew I was struggling to conceive just so she doesnt lose her family again.
I just want to hear from teen moms who were at my sisters age when falling pregnant or are my sisters age now and currently pregnant...what are your thoughts on this matter? I mean how did your familys react? did they react the same as mine and come round? Are you struggling? Whats going through your mind when reading this? What would you of done in this situation?
I mean she doesn't work and obviously isn't entitled to a council flat until 18. Did any of your mums kick you out? what did you do? did you cope or a family member take you in? how do you support your baby financially? I know these are alot of personal questions but I dont want to see my little sister struggle. 

Im sorry if I came across rude. I am only just barley out of teens myself and TTC so I may sound hypocritical but me (Personally) ive changed so much in 5 years I couldn't imagine how I would of coped if I fell pregnant at 16! 

Any advice on this situation would be really helpful. Thanks x:hugs:


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## 17thy

Well I had just turned 17 when I fell pregnant. I had only been with the father for 7 months and 5 of those he was in military academy. So we fell pregnant 2 months after he came home. He had just signed up for college and took the tests to get in when I found out. I was living with my father at the time and DH basically lived with us a few days every week. About a week after I found out he came over while my dad was working and I packed all of my shit in his truck and left my dad a note telling him I was pregnant. 

I left by choice. We went to his parents house and the police were called on us so I had to stay with my mother for a week and then we told her we were going to get married down at the court house one day after the marriage license was valid. So we told everyone we got married after his mother suggested we wait to have a nice wedding in a months time. So we lived with him parents then had a "real" nice wedding almost a month later. I didn't work (I still have never worked almost 2 years later lol) he held down a minimum wage job and we moved into a studio apartment and we've been out on our own ever since. Although he has a much better job now and we live in a way better place lol. And number 2 is on the way.

So I mean it can totally be done if she is with the right person. But a lot of people DON'T end up with the right person. So I wish her luck...


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## emyandpotato

If she is genuinely homeless she'd be placed in a mother and baby unit so that wouldn't be an issue and I'm pretty sure she is entitled to benefits :shrug: Please try not to be negative about it, everyone is negative around teenage pregnancies and it doesn't help in the slightest, it only alienates them. What she needs is support. She may surprise you by how mature she can be; we are often less mature around our parents and older siblings anyway as that's the natural roles we adopt, when she becomes a mother she may prove you all wrong. My parents both thought I was too immature and I think I'm managing okay. I don't think there's any advice to be given seeing as you have no say in the situation, except to hold off from pressuring her at all, even if you're being helpful in your eyes. Just try and offer unconditional support.


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## MyFirstNoodle

Thank you so much for your reply and im very happy everything has worked out for you. In the UK my sister would be unable to get married unless she has parental consent. That is another thing...as my nan has custody of my sister she is the one that says what does and what doesn't happen regarding my sister. My nan has been extremely adamant she will not allow my sister to move in with her boyfriend...pregnant or not. My family are not racist and neither am I. As we live in London its very multi cultural. My sisters boyfriend is lithuanian and unfortunately his english isn't very good and neither is his parents. This has frustrated my nan even more purely because she has been unable to talk to my sisters boyfriends parents regarding the situation!
The week my sister told us she was pregnant she told us her partner told her "If you or your family persuade you not to keep the baby I will stamp on your head 10 times" I mean they are not really the words of a man that really loves you. So again I come back to my worry of her struggling...I dont want that for my sister. Im worried only 8 months after the end of her last pregnancy when she was adamant she did not want to be pregnant to suddenly change her mind.... could it be because of things her partner is saying...such a mess atm!! x


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## 17thy

Ah idk I'm completely anti-abortion so I can see where he is coming from, he shouldn't be threatening about it like that but I can see the need to try to protect his unborn child.


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## MyFirstNoodle

emyandpotato said:


> If she is genuinely homeless she'd be placed in a mother and baby unit so that wouldn't be an issue and I'm pretty sure she is entitled to benefits :shrug: *Please try not to be negative about it*, everyone is negative around teenage pregnancies and it doesn't help in the slightest, it only alienates them. What she needs is support. She may surprise you by how mature she can be; we are often less mature around our parents and older siblings anyway as that's the natural roles we adopt, when she becomes a mother she may prove you all wrong. My parents both thought I was too immature and I think I'm managing okay. I don't think there's any advice to be given seeing as you have no say in the situation, *except to hold off from pressuring her at all, even* if you're being helpful in your eyes. Just try and offer unconditional support.

I haven't pressured my sister :shrug:


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## emyandpotato

MyFirstNoodle said:


> emyandpotato said:
> 
> 
> If she is genuinely homeless she'd be placed in a mother and baby unit so that wouldn't be an issue and I'm pretty sure she is entitled to benefits :shrug: *Please try not to be negative about it*, everyone is negative around teenage pregnancies and it doesn't help in the slightest, it only alienates them. What she needs is support. She may surprise you by how mature she can be; we are often less mature around our parents and older siblings anyway as that's the natural roles we adopt, when she becomes a mother she may prove you all wrong. My parents both thought I was too immature and I think I'm managing okay. I don't think there's any advice to be given seeing as you have no say in the situation, *except to hold off from pressuring her at all, even* if you're being helpful in your eyes. Just try and offer unconditional support.
> 
> I haven't pressured my sister :shrug:Click to expand...

I didn't say that at all it just seems to be the case with a lot of young mums. They feel they have disappointed everyone and can't do right whatever they do. Just saying don't fall in to that trap, not that you have done.

ETA your nan can't stop your sister moving in with her boyfriend now that she's sixteen, she can only stop them getting married but even then it's only a short drive to Scotland.


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## Bexxx

I swear I've read this before..have you posted elsewhere on BnB? :flower:
Honestly, I'm really tired so can't really read it all right now, but the bit that stuck out was the benefits and she can get them from 16  (Well, in Scotland anyway you are entitled to benefits/social housing from 16)


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## mybbyboo

give her time to mature she is only 16 i was 15 when i fell pregnant a huge partier and a drop out. now im 16 38 weeks pregnant graduated high school moved out on my own and ready to be a mommy. it takes a little time cuz your still in teen mode. im sure she'll change she just needs support otherwise things could go horribly wrong. just try to be there for her


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## MyFirstNoodle

emyandpotato said:


> MyFirstNoodle said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> emyandpotato said:
> 
> 
> If she is genuinely homeless she'd be placed in a mother and baby unit so that wouldn't be an issue and I'm pretty sure she is entitled to benefits :shrug: *Please try not to be negative about it*, everyone is negative around teenage pregnancies and it doesn't help in the slightest, it only alienates them. What she needs is support. She may surprise you by how mature she can be; we are often less mature around our parents and older siblings anyway as that's the natural roles we adopt, when she becomes a mother she may prove you all wrong. My parents both thought I was too immature and I think I'm managing okay. I don't think there's any advice to be given seeing as you have no say in the situation, *except to hold off from pressuring her at all, even* if you're being helpful in your eyes. Just try and offer unconditional support.
> 
> I haven't pressured my sister :shrug:Click to expand...
> 
> I didn't say that at all it just seems to be the case with a lot of young mums. They feel they have disappointed everyone and can't do right whatever they do. Just saying don't fall in to that trap, not that you have done.
> 
> ETA your nan can't stop your sister moving in with her boyfriend now that she's sixteen, she can only stop them getting married but even then it's only a short drive to Scotland.Click to expand...

Unfortunately not. My sister cannot leave home without parental consent until she is 17. I know she is 17 next month but according to https://www.childline.org.uk/explore/crimelaw/pages/rights.aspx under the "housing" section is states Age 16
- You can leave home with your parents' consent, or without it if you are leaving an abusive or neglectful situation.

Age 17
- You can leave home without your parents' consent.

Age 18
- You can apply for a mortgage, and own houses and land.

And according to this website https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_family/family_index_ew/getting_married.htm is states "Young people
If you are 16 or 17 you cannot marry without parental consent. Each parent with parental responsibility is entitled to give parental consent. In some circumstances, other people may give parental consent. In Northern Ireland a young person under 18 cannot marry without the consent of certain people.
For more information about who can give parental consent, you should consult an experienced adviser, for example, at a Citizens Advice Bureau. To search for details of your nearest CAB, including those that can give advice by email, click on nearest CAB.!


Thanks for your reply x


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## MyFirstNoodle

Bexxx said:


> I swear I've read this before..have you posted elsewhere on BnB? :flower:
> Honestly, I'm really tired so can't really read it all right now, but the bit that stuck out was the benefits and she can get them from 16  (Well, in Scotland anyway you are entitled to benefits/social housing from 16)

Yes I did in GS. Thanks for the reply...t.we are not in Scotland though hun...we are in London which is kinda different laws I think


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## MyFirstNoodle

mybbyboo said:


> give her time to mature she is only 16 i was 15 when i fell pregnant a huge partier and a drop out. now im 16 38 weeks pregnant graduated high school moved out on my own and ready to be a mommy. it takes a little time cuz your still in teen mode. im sure she'll change she just needs support otherwise things could go horribly wrong. just try to be there for her

Thanks for such a great reply :flower: much appreciated x


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## 10.11.12

Maybe you could point her in the direction of this site?


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## Desi's_lost

You should do for her whatever it is you think you would want done for you if you were in her place in combination with talking to her and listening to what she thinks she needs.


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## missZOEEx

have YOU tried talking to your grandmother? 
you could ask her if she'd feel betrayed if you took your sister in and helped her get onto her feet? As the other girls have said - we all had to grow up really fast, and she might just do the same when it really sinks in that she's bringing a baby into the world.

What's her relationship with her boyfriend like? Do you believe that he'll stick around and try to support her and the baby? At the end of the day what's done is done. Your younger sister has fallen pregnant and none of your family can do anything about it now. They can choose to support her or push her away - And this is the exact mindset that my family had when I announced that I was pregnant at 16. 

It can be done. She'll just need some guidance. & As someone said - It might be a good idea to point her in the direction of BNB? 
GOOD LUCK! x


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## xx~Lor~xx

First off, it's her decision. I think it would be nice for you to show support towards her, as she clearly doesn't have any right now. To be able to confide in you and tell you how she really feels I think is very important. 

I fell pregnant at 17, I actually moved out a week after my 17th birthday, so you CAN move out before you are 18. (I'm sure you mentioned somewhere you are in the UK??) In which case, in the UK, she CAN get benefits. From 16 you can receive benefits. I suggest she talk to the citizens advise bureau or job centre. If you're not in the uk, then I appologise! IF I'm right about you being in the UK, here's some information you might find useful for her: 
https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/nire...s_index_page_ni/young_people_and_benefits.htm

Also:
https://www.adviceguide.org.uk/nireland/your_family/family_index_ni/young_people_and_family.htm

If she wants to keep the child, it IS possible. Loads of girls are great mothers at 16, you just have to mature fast, which I'm sure she IS capable of.


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## JustSmile

she should be able to get healthy start vouchers to help with the cost of fruit/veg/milk/ formula, and she will be entitled to child benifit if she is not working i think, and also child tax credit. she probaby won't be able to get income support until she is 29 weeks or until the baby is born if she is n any kind of education still, and thn when she is on income support she should apply for a sure start grant- it is£500 to help pay for the cost of having a new baby for the pram, cot etc. not 100% on all this though, think the best thing for her to do would be talk to under 18 adviser at local job centre. xx


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## stephx

She can get benefits at 16, it's perfectly doable financially :thumbup:

X


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## Natasha2605

Financially it's doable, definitely. As long as she's 16 she's entitled.

What she needs is support. Enough support to make the right decision for her and her baby. What concerns me most tbh is what you said about the bf and the comments he made about stamping on her head. He does not sound like a nice man at all, do you know much about their relationship? How is it generally? It concerns me the thought of a child being brought into a home where the father spits around crap like he threatened you sister with! Very worrying...

Is he open to looking for a job to support his child? You know your family best, do you think your nan will come round? Honestly, the thought that some families abandon their child or family member just because they are pregnant absolutely disgusts me. Honestly, this is 2012, worst things happen in the world than an ''immature'' girl getting pregnant. She may surprise you and if she is 100% confident that she wants the baby for the right reasons then any immature teen can be an amazing mummy!


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## divershona

Firstly, you need to support your sister no matter what she decides to do and what your beliefs are. From the sound of it she doesn't have much support and becoming pregnant at 16 is not easy at all, no matter which route you decide to take. 

You can get benefits from the age of 16, so financially your sister should be fine, she just needs to go and speak to someone from citizens advice (you could always offer to take her and go with her?)

my family reacted badly when i told them i was pregnant at 18 but once they'd had time to process the news, and get their heads around it then it gradually got better. i moved out before my baby was born but that was because of different reasons. (not to do with me being pregnant)

there is a load of support for your sister if she wants to continue her education too. yes its hard trying to juggle running a house, looking after a baby / toddler and going to college but its worth it in the end.


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## EllaAndLyla

Link her to this site, it is so great for support especially if you are scared. 

I'm in London, you can claim benefits from 16+, I'm not sure about social housing, it would more likely be a hostel/bed & breakfast/halfway house type thing until they allocated her permanent housing. But I think social is 18+ for a permanent residency. 

She will mature during her pregnancy and even more so once she is a mother. No mother is truly ready for a baby, whatever age or stage of their life they are in, it is nearly impossible to prepare yourself. I fell pregnant at 17, I was a borderline alcoholic and did drugs, I lived with my dad who was very against my decision. The second I knew that I was carrying a child my whole life turned around, I didn't think about alcohol or drugs, I stopped smoking almost instantly, I stopped going out so I could spend time studying and decorating my childs room. I would lay in bed at night feeling so happy and content in myself, even though I had no income. I survive on what the government gives me, it is plenty to raise a child. I get income support, CTC and child benefits, I am looking for part-time work and a flat whilst my OH works full time. Before the baby he too was a drug addict and alcoholic, he had no job and lived at home with his mum. Being a parent really changes you, almost like an overnight change sometimes. She will grow as a mother and learn how to fend for herself and her child. She will need all the support she can get from you and your family at the moment, you don't need to pay for her or raise her child for her, moral support and knowing that your family/friends care for you and are going to stick by your decisions makes you feel stable. 

I understand your nan isn't happy about it, mine wasn't either. But by kicking her out, it will not help her or the baby. My dad didn't want me to have my baby, and after I made the decision to be a mother he didn't want me under his roof, not out of spite but out of fear that he would be parenting and supporting my child for me. Now he tells me how much of an amazing job I do, how he is really proud of me and he absolutely adores Lyla. I have never once asked him to look after her for the day/over night, I have never once asked for him to pay a penny towards her. It took him months to come round and accept my choice (same with my grandparents), and once he saw me in action being a mother he realized that he was selfish for undermining me - his words.

Most of us teenage parents change from being dependents to being completely independent mothers who mature and grow throughout motherhood. Whenever I see my friends or I am away from Lyla for a night out I turn into a teenager, I have a laugh with my friends and joke around. The second I am home/with my daughter again, I instantly change back to mother mode. It's crazy how much people can adapt to their situations. I think your sister will be fine, with the right support she will more than likely make a great mother, you can tell that she wants your support from the comment she made about giving you the baby so that she doesn't lose her family again. The CAB are amazing and will give her all the professional advice she needs about money, housing etc and if she joins this site people here will be able to give her their first hand experiences, advice and comfort too :flow:


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## EllaAndLyla

^^ Sorry that was so long!


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## MommyGrim

EllaAndLyla said:


> Link her to this site, it is so great for support especially if you are scared.
> 
> I'm in London, you can claim benefits from 16+, I'm not sure about social housing, it would more likely be a hostel/bed & breakfast/halfway house type thing until they allocated her permanent housing. But I think social is 18+ for a permanent residency.
> 
> She will mature during her pregnancy and even more so once she is a mother. No mother is truly ready for a baby, whatever age or stage of their life they are in, it is nearly impossible to prepare yourself. I fell pregnant at 17, I was a borderline alcoholic and did drugs, I lived with my dad who was very against my decision. The second I knew that I was carrying a child my whole life turned around, I didn't think about alcohol or drugs, I stopped smoking almost instantly, I stopped going out so I could spend time studying and decorating my childs room. I would lay in bed at night feeling so happy and content in myself, even though I had no income. I survive on what the government gives me, it is plenty to raise a child. I get income support, CTC and child benefits, I am looking for part-time work and a flat whilst my OH works full time. Before the baby he too was a drug addict and alcoholic, he had no job and lived at home with his mum. Being a parent really changes you, almost like an overnight change sometimes. She will grow as a mother and learn how to fend for herself and her child. She will need all the support she can get from you and your family at the moment, you don't need to pay for her or raise her child for her, moral support and knowing that your family/friends care for you and are going to stick by your decisions makes you feel stable.
> 
> I understand your nan isn't happy about it, mine wasn't either. But by kicking her out, it will not help her or the baby. My dad didn't want me to have my baby, and after I made the decision to be a mother he didn't want me under his roof, not out of spite but out of fear that he would be parenting and supporting my child for me. Now he tells me how much of an amazing job I do, how he is really proud of me and he absolutely adores Lyla. I have never once asked him to look after her for the day/over night, I have never once asked for him to pay a penny towards her. It took him months to come round and accept my choice (same with my grandparents), and once he saw me in action being a mother he realized that he was selfish for undermining me - his words.
> 
> Most of us teenage parents change from being dependents to being completely independent mothers who mature and grow throughout motherhood. Whenever I see my friends or I am away from Lyla for a night out I turn into a teenager, I have a laugh with my friends and joke around. The second I am home/with my daughter again, I instantly change back to mother mode. It's crazy how much people can adapt to their situations. I think your sister will be fine, with the right support she will more than likely make a great mother, you can tell that she wants your support from the comment she made about giving you the baby so that she doesn't lose her family again. The CAB are amazing and will give her all the professional advice she needs about money, housing etc and if she joins this site people here will be able to give her their first hand experiences, advice and comfort too :flow:

Couldn't say it better! :thumbup: But like the other girls said, can you link her to this site? That's where I got alot of my support (even though my parents were supportive, it's still nice to have people in the same situation, definitely makes it less scary) and just try to support her and her decisions, as well as let her know that you'll be there for her whatever she chooses; that is the best feeling to know that no matter what your family will love you and stand by you.


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## Melibu90

Finacially she will be fine there is always help
Like the other girls have said show her here, and support her she will need someone to come to. Your nan will come round im almost sure of it!

I was 19 when i fell pregnant so a bit older but no-one thought i could do it, i drunk loads smoked a lot and took drugs socially. I turned a bit manic from 16 til i found out. But as soon as i found out instantly i knew i was a mummy so had to change and its the best thing i ever done :)


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## abbSTAR

You can 100% get benefits & move out at sixteen. I have right now I live in a private house, with my son and love it. The fact your nan doesn't want responsibility of the unborn child is enough for her to be able to leave to 'releve' a stressful situation.


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