# Torn apart inside..updated =))))



## nkbapbt

As the title says...Im utterly torn apart inside my heart and soul. I went to the specialist a few days ago to speak to them about my risks and health if I was too get pregnant again (some thing we were thinking about trying to do once I stop pumping next year). So they ran a bunch of tests (ultrasound and so on), to which I just got the results of (thank dog for a great family doc who doesn't make you wait suffering!)....

I have to go back a little into my history to explain this...but when I was 16 I was held down by my then boyfriend, while his roommate (my ex was older) repeatedly raped me (as did my boyfriend). When it was all over they thought it would be safer to basically gut/rape me with a coat hanger in order to prevent pregnancy. 


This was a very long time ago and I refuse to let myself feel sorry for myself over it. I have worked WAY too hard to over come it. And I plead you do not feel sorry for me either. It made the woman I am today and frankly I am happy with the strong woman I am today.

I only tell you this because it affects the outcome of any pregnancies I have. The doctors are all saying I will never be able to carry a baby to term because of all the scar tissue. In lesser scar tissue situations they can operate but because my cervix and bladder are so involved they cannot.

So basically I cannot have anymore children. 

I haven't told my hubby yet, because frankly?? I am scared. He wants two kids and he is already out to get my ex for what he did to me....I cannot imagine what this will make him want to do (he is not a violent man).

Sorry for the long post, but I am just so gutted and have been holding it in for what seems like forever. :cry:


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## sophie c

OMG hun, sorry i dont know if i should post in this section but i just wanted to give you huge :hugs: and to say you a such a strong brave woman i cannot believe some animal (s) did that to you! 

i cant believe what they have taken away from you


other than that i honestly do not know what to say :cry:

soooo sorry hun xxxxxxx


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## Plumfairy

OH my! I dont know what to say! Other than those men should have their balls chopped off for what they did and what they've now taken away from you. 

I cant begin to imagine what it must feel like and I know I'd be totally devastated if I were unable to have anymore children. :cry:

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it will be to tell your husband, but once he knows then it'll be a huge weight off your shoulders and you can talk about it together and discuss your options for the future. 

You are such a strong woman! :hugs: xxxxxxx


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## nkbapbt

It's ok to not know what to say. And Sophie you are always welcome here. 

I thought I had put this all behind me, but this just brings it all up. I have struggled for so many years with the emotional and mental pain it caused me. And yet it was the reason I pulled so hard for Lakai. I just needed him to be ok because it felt like that was he was it for me.

In the back of my mind I have always wondered if this was the cause, I have MC's before...and then random premature labor. It just always hung looming over the back of my mind. 

I would be lying to myself and all of you if I did not say I wish all sorts of violence on my ex, but I also know that makes me know better. 

I must find the silver lining in this. And for me it's the hope my hubby will come around the possibility of adopting our next child (I was adopted so this means a LOT to me). He has said in the past he may not love an adopted child the same way, but I highly doubt that to be true. He is just way to good of a person to let that happen.

Sigh.

I can't help but "what if"...what if I had more doctor's care when this happened? I only went to the ER because of all the blood loss. But I never followed up because of shame on what this meant for my future.


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## grumpymoo

What an amazing lady you are!

I cant begin to imagine how much you are hurting right now and how much you are having to deal with emotionally, but you are truly amazing to be so strong and you are such a wonderful mummy to Lakai too.

I don't know what to say, its just so painful for you, but I hope that you and your hubby can work something out in regards to your next baby. I have a strong feeling you will!!!! Good luck:hugs: xx


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## premmiemum123

I am so sorry to read about your traumatic experience, awful, I just don't understand how people can do this. I think you are amazing to have worked through it and come out the other side positive....I just can't imagine what you have been through. 
I am also sorry to hear you cannot have more children, however can see you are trying to be postitive about this by considering adoption....you are so strong I cannot but admire you....adoption is such a wonderful thing, to have been chosen by a family is so special and to give a child the opportunity of love and care is a gift. You are a wonderful lady.

I am sure you and your hubby can work through this as you have been through so much already, it could not have been easy telling him about your trauma at age 16 and then you both having to cope with Lakai's fight for survivial...I can only imagine you are a very strong couple. 
I hope you work this out...best wishes...xx


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## Emma.Gi

That's horrible hun, I can't believe that some people can be so disgusting and the fact that he didn't think about how much it could affect you in the future just makes it 100 times more disgusting.

Big hugs x


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## Lottie86

I really don't know what to say :hugs: You are such an amazing strong woman and I am sure if you adopt that your husband would love another child just as much as he loves Lakai.

I can't begin to imagine how hard a discussion it will be to tell your husband this news but I'm sure he'll give you his full support and you know that we are always here for you :hugs::hugs:

Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx


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## Abigailly

I'm sure your husband will be there for you no matter what, I think it would be best to tell him sooner rather than later - so you can work through it together.

There's also other things rather than adoption, surrogacy?


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## AP

What can I say?

You're just amazing. :hugs:


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## Dona

I hope your hubby does find these men and stick a coat hanger right where the sun don't shine. :growlmad::growlmad:

No words to describe what you went through. Sending you lots of hugs. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:xxxxxx


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## Mumof42009

You are such a strong woman huni to go through all that :hugs: xx


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## pinkmac85

You know I'm here to talk if you ever need anything!! :hugs:


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## Tiff

:shock: :cry:

Omg, I had no idea! Well, of course that's silly... how could I? I'm literally sitting here in tears my heart is breaking for you. I know, I know that isn't what you want but I just can't help it... it is bad enough what they did to you and the emotional trauma you had to carry because of it, but to now be told you can't have more children? 

:cry:

What are your feelings on surrogate mothers? Would you be willing to go that route? I know how important it was for you to be able to carry a baby to term, and have the big large bump to fall in love with... but maybe it could be a way to have another baby? 

:hugs: Hell, I'd be a surrogate mother for you if you ever needed one! I'm so sorry. I don't really know if what I am saying is insensitive, or downplaying what you are feeling.

:( It isn't meant that way, for sure. Big love and hugs being sent your way!


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## nkbapbt

Thanks ladies. It really means a LOT to me to have your support. I woke up today feeling a lot better about it. It does still hurt, but I think mostly because something has been ripped away from me and my husband. I told him last night and we stayed up till 3am talking about it. His reaction wasn't what I thought it would be. I think the shock hasn't worn off yet, he is being very deadly calm. Im still waiting for the storm.

But I just have to keep thinking this isn't the end of anything, its the beginning of something else. 

Maybe it's god (or whomever..Im not religious) way of saying adoption was always the way to go. 

Sometimes life and circumstance make your choices for you. While it does suck, I can't stay angry forever. I can't be the victim in this anymore than I have been already. I have done the whole battered woman thing, I have done the rape survivor thing and maybe now I just need to do the moving on thing.

This all makes the miracle that is Lakai so much more meaningful. I always knew how special he is, but this really sets it in stone. 

Today I am ok with it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. 

Thank you all so much! :hugs:


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## embojet

You are truly amazing :hugs:. It must have been so hard to tell your husband too. You are no way a victim, you are an inspiration!


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## nkbapbt

Awe Tiff and Em. You both just made me cry! I actually never even thought of surrogate mothers. That's something to think about. And your post isn't insensitive or down playing anything. I need to think about the future or else I will get lost in dwelling on this. I've done the dwelling. I've done the whole depressed victim. I can't be that woman anymore. It's impossible to be with me when I am like that and my husband has stuck through that once before. I cannot do that to him again!

I have to tell my parents still, my mom will be the worst person to tell. She's never understood abused women. She's old fashion and doesn't get why abused women do not just leave. I have tried so many times to explain it and while it has sunk in a little....she still doesn't fully understand. 

I don't know what her reaction will be. 

I think she will drag me to as many specialists that it takes to get someone to "fix" me. And I will probably go along with it. *sigh*


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## Tiff

:hugs: It might be one of those things that its a "good" thing that she doesn't understand? (Meaning more because she's never had to go through it. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years... I definitely understand what you mean!!!)

Take it one day at a time. My mother is a "fixer" as well. Maybe bring K with you for moral support? I think I remember you mentioning before that he's pretty close with your Mom as well? 

:hugs: Big love!


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## embojet

How could she understand? I dont think anyone will ever understand what you have been through. I've been through some stuff myself (but not half as much as you) and I found that telling people helped me dump it then move on. I know what you mean in that I didn't need 'fixing', I just needed to get it out and move on. It's definately made me stronger. I think you were picked to be Lakai's mum for a reason, he needed a strong Mummy to help him through his battles:hugs:

oooooooh listen to me being all deep and stuff:blush:. So not me normally but I mean it :flower:


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## MrsRoughton

i hope you are ok, and you are working things out. and i like to think that you beat them by having your beautilful son and that. whether you adopt or not do not let these men win they are the scum of the earth and god will judge them don' you worry. and you are so brave to share you story with us and if you ever want to talk pm me hun xxx


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## codegirl

:hugs: and more :hugs: you are such a strong amazing woman.

I don't know what to say except repeat what's been said already. My first thought was "I'd carry a baby for you" and if you know how my pregnancy was you know I don't make that offer lightly.

Also, a second opinion might be a good thing. Maybe a specialist could help and see way through this that hasn't been thought of yet.

If you need to talk, vent, yell, cry.... know that I'm here for you. I just can't wait to meet face to face and give you a great big :hug:


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## Stiina

What devastating news, Nic. I think you are handling it wonderfully. I'm so glad you and K have talked it out - and I know exactly what you mean about 'wondering when the storm will start'. My hubby also wanted to be very violent to a certain person in this world, and while I was with him and wanted to help him hurt this person who hurt me, I also wanted to be the 'bigger person' and just deal with it and move on. 

Which is what we've done. I hope K can SOMEHOW understand your feelings on this. I also know the 3am conversations well - we've had many of them. I hope yours helped clear the air a bit. I know the weight can't possibly be off your shoulders yet, but with talk-talk-and-more-talk, you should be able to figure something out.

I agree with you on the adoption/surrogate thing - he is WAY too good of a person to not love a child that's not his own. Lakai was a miracle already - now he's even more of a miracle. But that does not mean another child isn't just as much of a miracle. 

Every child - no matter how difficult or easy the pregnancy or birth was, no matter the fights they had to fight to survive - is a miracle.

I hope, when you're ready, that you can show your hubby that bringing another child into the family, even if it's not 'yours', can be just as amazing and rewarding as it was the first time.

:hugs:

Love you!


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## Vickie

:hugs: you are such a strong amazing person. I am so devastated for you because I know how much it would mean to you to carry a baby to full term :cry: it's awful that that has been taken from you this way

you are right though, it makes Lakai that much more amazing and special than he already was :hug:


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## nkbapbt

Awe thank you Terri. You have NO idea how much that means to me. And Stiina. :hugs:

EJet - :hugs: :hugs:

I am so sorry to hear that too many of the women I admire and consider friends on here have suffered things like this too. It's not something I would wish on anyone. :hugs:

Knowing there are people like you all in this world makes up for the people like my ex and the people who hurt you ladies. :hugs:

I makes me proud to know such caring goodness can come out of such pain. =)

You ladies rock!

I have just told my mom and she's pretty upset but not like I thought. She still doesn't "get it" and rightly so. She's never been there. And it's very hard for anyone to put themselves in my shoes or any abuse/rape survivors shoes unless they have been there. Why would you want to do it anyways? 

She is a retired nurse, so clearly that came out in her and she wants me to get a second opinion. 

She is heartbroken that Lakai suffered as much as he did because of my ex. I think she is most angry about that, as am I. I am not a violent person and frankly I don't care what happened to me, but to think of what Lakai went through makes my blood boil.

And the saddest part? My ex wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the thought of it. 

Im going to share the cheesiest thing with you guys now, since Im in a sharing mood! But the reason I love pit bulls so much is because of what happened to me. I find strength and inspiration in them. I have seen the most horribly abused dogs, used for dog fighting and so on....turn around and love their abusers...or just people in general. I am in awe of how quickly they heal and stupid as it sounds I strive to be like that. 

Clearly not loving my abuser, but being able to trust and love again even though its scary and painful sometimes. 

Cheesy I know.

I am miffed about one thing...it's amazing to me how much some people think I should be a basketcase..my doctor and the specialist both tried to push antidepressants on me. And I kept saying I don't need them, Im not depressed. This has never depressed me. Wounded sure...but depressed no. 

They just don't seem to get not everyone deals with things the same way, they kept saying "surely you are just suppressing things"...uh no! Im here talking about it...arent I?

I dunno..Im rambling.


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## polo_princess

:hugs: :hugs:


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## nkbapbt

Thank you Vickie. I can't lie it really hurts I will never have a big huge baby belly, or stretch marks. Or be so large I can't see my feet. But there are upsides to it too.

I guess all I can do is hope that another opinion might prove to give me some hope? 

The first specialist consulted with his coworkers/doctors about my case, so there was other people with opinions involved. That does dimmer my hope a little. But who knows, right?


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## apple84

Oh Nic!:hugs::hugs::hugs:

I knew Lakai was a miracle baby - I just didn't know how much of a miracle he really is! You are so strong! I am so sorry that so many things were taken from you by those men. I don't know how you feel - I can't really, but I can tell you that I am moved to tears at the thought of not just what happened to you then, but what you still are facing now.:hugs: I wish I had something more useful to say.


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## Foogirl

nkbapbt said:


> They just don't seem to get not everyone deals with things the same way, they kept saying "surely you are just suppressing things"...uh no! Im here talking about it...arent I?

I get this alot too. I haven't been through anywhere near as bad a time as you have, but a couple of miscarriages then our journey with Abby, as well as some quite dodgy stuff earlier in life and people look at me like I should be in a heap on the floor.

I'm just not built that way. Some of us aren't. You will deal with stuff the best way you know how and it seems to be working for you.

I loved the comment you made about this being the start of another journey. I always take this approach when life knocks me back. There is always a bright side. For example, if Abby hadn't come when she did, I wouldn't have had the experience of NNICU and SCBU. It wasn't the best time of my life but jeez, I learned a whole lot from it.

You sound like you're coping with this really quite well. It was just ghastly what happened to you and as they always say about this kind of abuse, it doesn't stop with one act, it can affect your whole life. But IMO, letting it get the better of you gives the abuser more of an influence on your life than they deserve.

I hope you find a solution in the end. Adoption sounds like something you'd like to do. I'm sure your OH will be open to discussion on it. If you're anything like me and mine, you won't have come through this without learning a thing or two about your relationship!

:hugs:


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## Vickie

nkbapbt said:


> Thank you Vickie. I can't lie it really hurts I will never have a big huge baby belly, or stretch marks. Or be so large I can't see my feet. But there are upsides to it too.
> 
> I guess all I can do is hope that another opinion might prove to give me some hope?
> 
> The first specialist consulted with his coworkers/doctors about my case, so there was other people with opinions involved. That does dimmer my hope a little. But who knows, right?

:hugs: I would get a second opinion, I wouldn't want to wonder if maybe the first had been wrong you know?


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## nkbapbt

Foogirl said:


> I get this alot too. I haven't been through anywhere near as bad a time as you have, but a couple of miscarriages then our journey with Abby, as well as some quite dodgy stuff earlier in life and people look at me like I should be in a heap on the floor.
> 
> I'm just not built that way. Some of us aren't. You will deal with stuff the best way you know how and it seems to be working for you.
> 
> I loved the comment you made about this being the start of another journey. I always take this approach when life knocks me back. There is always a bright side. For example, if Abby hadn't come when she did, I wouldn't have had the experience of NNICU and SCBU. It wasn't the best time of my life but jeez, I learned a whole lot from it.
> 
> You sound like you're coping with this really quite well. It was just ghastly what happened to you and as they always say about this kind of abuse, it doesn't stop with one act, it can affect your whole life. But IMO, letting it get the better of you gives the abuser more of an influence on your life than they deserve.
> 
> I hope you find a solution in the end. Adoption sounds like something you'd like to do. I'm sure your OH will be open to discussion on it. If you're anything like me and mine, you won't have come through this without learning a thing or two about your relationship!
> 
> :hugs:

Thank you! Im not built that way either, but that being said...I can certainly see how easy it would be to fall into depression over this. Depression and mental health issues (like addiction) run in my real mom's side..she has a lot of serious issues (recovering addict, abandonment issues..and the list goes on and on ). And I think this also makes people think I will tip over the edge into depression. And that's ok. I just don't like it when I am not heard.

I think my hubby is open to adoption. He is just too good of a person to not at least toy with the idea. I think he thinks he is less capable at certain things than he truly is. Loving an adopted child the same way is one of them.

All I know is this can't be the end of anything. Maybe the end of this chapter, but not the end of the story. 

Amanda - Saying what you did was useful! Like I said before it's ok and very normal to not know what to say. If I was reading this and even though Ive been through it...I still would come up short on what the right thing to say would be. 

:hugs:


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## BlackBerry25

:hugs:

You are an amazing woman and mother :cry: I have been wanting to post all day, and I really don't have the right words to say. :( 

Lakai is *such* a miracle, and if adoption is the route you guys decide to go, you will make an excellent mother for that baby as well. I think you have the best possible attitude about the whole situation and have developed a strength that most of us don't have (I know I don't) and that is what makes you such a good mother to Lakai. I really believe he is such a fighter because of you :hugs:

Anyways, I am here for you in any way possible! :hugs: I am SOOOO sorry this has happened. It is horrible. I hate that they did this to you.


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## Foogirl

nkbapbt said:


> I just don't like it when I am not heard.

:shrug: Did someone say something...... :shrug:

:winkwink: :devil:


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## nkbapbt

Awe thank you Wendy! That means a lot to me. :hugs:

I know its a little self centered but I hope Im the reason Lakai is such a fighter...It would mean some good has come out of this. I mean clearly it already has...he is here! But it would be nice to think that too.

:hugs:


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## nkbapbt

Foogirl said:


> nkbapbt said:
> 
> 
> I just don't like it when I am not heard.
> 
> :shrug: Did someone say something...... :shrug:
> 
> :winkwink: :devil:Click to expand...

:finger:

(thank you for the bringing some fun into this...I like you even more now jerkface!)


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## Foogirl

nkbapbt said:


> :finger:
> 
> (thank you for the bringing some fun into this...I like you even more now jerkface!)

:tease:


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## nkbapbt

Foogirl said:


> nkbapbt said:
> 
> 
> :finger:
> 
> (thank you for the bringing some fun into this...I like you even more now jerkface!)
> 
> :tease:Click to expand...

:ignore:


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## nkbapbt

Edited to stay on topic.


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## Foogirl

You are definitely a one woman Jerry Springer show - I think I need a diagram to work it all out!:winkwink:

How do your mums take it when you simply tell them you are fine? I'm lucky that my mum is of the same mindset as me. "If it's nae hanging off, you'll be fine" But my mother in law can be a real drama queen at times. She always looks sceptical when I say I'm dealing with stuff, but at least she doesn't push it.

It is so hard to have to deal with stuff the way other people want you to. Don't they know they are just making it more difficult for you?

Mothers!! Who'd have 'em - and you got two!!


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## xMissxZoiex

Omg .. i really dont know what to say babe, Its horrible that there are people out there that are so heartless especially someone thats ment to care for you.

There other options for having children adoption/surrogacy

Stay positive hun big hugs

Zoie x


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## DonnaBallona

I dont know what to say to you sweetheart. Im so sorry for things that have happened in the past, and I hope you find the strength to overcome these obstacles in your life.

You are in my thoughts and prayers xx


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## nkbapbt

I dont think either of them get its making it harder on me. They have always made me the middle of their triangle. Its a weird dynamic no matter how you look at it right?

I mean its bound to cause some bumps in the road.

I dont know. My hubby is still pushing me to get "checked out" again..and again till someone finds some answers and a solution. He is not as on board with starting the adoption process as I had hoped. Im pushing to try to foster first instead. 

Its just so frustrating that people are holding me back when I just want to move on.

Its not like I can just quit my hubby and my parents! (sometime I wish this wasn't the case :rofl:) But man they are asshats sometimes!


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## Foogirl

I think a second opinion is always a good idea, if it is possible. Coming through this process, I have realised that Doctors don't always agree.

But then who is to say the second one would be right......

Would he go for surrogacy? Is that easy to do in Canada?


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## ryder

My god nic... After what you've been through you are such an amazing and strong person. I cant imagine... I am sure that Lakai gets his strength from you for sure.


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## Sarahkka

Nic, I agree with the others to get a second opinion.
If it's different than the first, then great - you've been given more reason to hope and that's wonderful.
If it confirms what the first team of docs said, then okay, you now have stronger reason for your family to accept it and start moving in the direction you're already headed: adoption. At least no one will be able to say that you didn't try or anything stupid like that, you know?
And :hugs: because you did win, babe. The sickos that did this to you didn't touch your spirit. You kept that pure and intact.


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## nkbapbt

So time for a GOOD update..I got called back by the specialist who said his colleague wanted to see me because she had studied and done a lot of surgeries on people with similar cases to mine, but typically their scar tissue was caused by the word I cannot spell of course...endometriosis and other "v" issues. And a few caused by rape or trauma. Ok that sounds promising. Except this colleague was only in town for today and then not back till Jan.

CRAP!

So I went in after hours today and she basically performed a D&C on my uterus and removed some of scar tissue on my cervix. Some being that if they removed anymore I may end up with a weak cervix. 

She performed an ultrasound after and said that nothing stuck out as being physically 'wrong' with me to prevent further child birth. And that my specialist really wasn't that well versed in this type of situation but at least tried his utter best to get me help. Which he did do...but man...this whole thread could have been avoided :blush:

Does this mean I can have babies now? Possibly...does this mean I will go into preterm labor again? That she could not answer.

She also said that it was a miracle that Lakai made it past 15 weeks because there just was NO room in there for him. She said he must have really wanted to be here and I better take extra special care of him always. She was utterly taken with him too. =) She couldn't believe he had had such a bad brain bleed, she like most doctors who do not work with neonates say that in adults...the patient would be dead..but neonates are something special! 


Oh yes they are!

Well....ladies. Thank you all so much for the support...I guess like our births..this thread was premature. Im sorry for causing such a stir, I just needed to share where I felt safest to do so. So thank you for being that to me. :hugs:

Watch out for my BFP! I hope!


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## nkbapbt

Sarahkka said:


> Nic, I agree with the others to get a second opinion.
> If it's different than the first, then great - you've been given more reason to hope and that's wonderful.
> If it confirms what the first team of docs said, then okay, you now have stronger reason for your family to accept it and start moving in the direction you're already headed: adoption. At least no one will be able to say that you didn't try or anything stupid like that, you know?
> And :hugs: because you did win, babe. *The sickos that did this to you didn't touch your spirit. You kept that pure and intact*.

I cant say these sentences didn't bring tears to my eyes! Thank you. :hugs:


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## grumpymoo

Wow, sounds like wonderful news! Well done you!!!!!:dance:


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## codegirl

:dance:


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## kirsten1985

That's fantastic! Just read the whole thread and didn't expect to find this on the last page! :D I hope you get the pregnancy you deserve and that soon you cannot see your feet.

Huge well done's to you and Lakai, as someone else said, he obviously gets his strength from you. :hugs:


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## LaDY

:hugs: Praying that you get the baby that you deserve hun...your amazing and i really admire you and your strength :hugs: xx


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## premmiemum123

Brilliant news...I hope you get a BFP soon...x


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## Aidedhoney

Your thread had me in tears when i read it on the day it went live, i was so upset that i couldnt comment, can i just say what a brave woman you are, as previously said by someone they didnt break your spirit.

I wish you and your family all the best for the future and i so hope you get your BFP xxx


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## Emma.Gi

Aaah, that's a bit of good news isn't it? Good luck for the future :hugs:


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## Mumof42009

Im so pleased for you hun i cant wait for you to tell us you have your :bfp: xx


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## Stiina

ScreeeeeeechhH!!!! Congrats Nic!! This is fabulous news. :yipee: So glad to hear this good update!!! <3 <3 <3 <3


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## ryder

im so happy to read your post hun. I hope you get your BFP soon!!!


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## babybaillie

((((HUGE HUGS))))

What u went through must have been horrendus.

Im sure when u do speak to ur hubbie he will understand when u tell him. Whats most important is u are alive and safe. ANd u both have each other now, thats the important thing.


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## Foogirl

Excellent news.

Happy shaggin.....:sex:


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## bumpsmum

Nic,

Having read this whole thread it had me in tears from start to finish, but more so for how you are so brave and those men have truly not touched your spirit, you are so strong and inspirational and make me feel like anything is achievable.

I am SO happy that you got the second opinion and she was able to give you a fighting chance. I also had endrometriosis although this mostly caused my fallopian tubes to be severly damaged and advised to not try to conceive as it was too risky so I can empathise with the pain you must have felt when you heard another baby was not possible, BUT like me there is always a way round it, if you truly want a baby and are bleased to get pregnant again, you have already shown with Lakai how determined you are to make it work. Im sure Kyle is delighted and as you say have no doubt that if things did not work out he would love an adopted/surrogate baby as much as Lakai.

Big :hugs: to you I am in total awe of your strenght, please bottle some and post it my way............x


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## bumpsmum

Foogirl said:


> Happy shaggin.....:sex:

haha magic, trust you foogirl xx


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## AP

ahhhhhhhhh im so glad to come back this week and read this!


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## DonnaBallona

ooooooooooh I totally missed this bird!!! Many whoops of joy for your good news. Im super chuffed for you. . . may this be the start of many more happy memories for you and your family :cloud9:


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## nkbapbt

Thank you all so much! :hugs:


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## apple84

Any updates Nic?


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## kelly2903

i am totally speech less soooo


:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

u are a very strong brave woman all the best . x:hugs:


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## kelly2903

god im so slow read the update now lol great news for u and your family all the besthun. xxx


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## nkbapbt

Ugh I just had some bleeding and issues...so I had to go to the hospital. They were trying to keep me in for a few days to watch me, but I just cannot leave Lakai and Kyle together that long. I know thats silly but they arent exactly seeing eye to eye lately!

Right now the bleeding is controlled, but it's so painful. 

I found out today if I had, had a follow up after Lakai this may have been able to be all avoided. Its my fault totally, I just never went for a check up and I should have. That being said no said I should either..but I knew I should. Feck. I hope this doesnt affect my outcome. The doctor said the more complications the more likelihood of future issues.

And now my DH is being all weird about trying. I just want this to be easier! Im having a weak day.


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## BlackBerry25

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## embojet

Sorry I missed your update, sooo happy for you, you must be over the moon :hugs:


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## bumpsmum

:hugs: hope you feel better soon xx


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## kelly2903

big hugs hun xxx


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## BabyHaines

I have just read this thread, having read your 'Ask a mum' thread at the weekend.
I have to say, I am in absolute bloody awe of you!
You are amazing. You seem so balanced and honest and kind, with more wonderful attributes than anyone I think I have ever met.
I'm sitting here in tears, absolutely flabergasted at your journey (what I've read so far).
Lakai is one special little boy and I really hope your husband knows how lucky he is to be married to such an amazing person.

Sorry to jabber on, but I had to post and it's so hard to say what I mean?!

I am sending you a massive *hug* across the ocean and I have honestly never wished a BFP on anyone more than I do you, right now!!

And....no matter what happens in the future, I truly, truly believe you are an inspiration.

Em xxxx


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## Stiina

Nic, it's totally not your fault. Don't blame yourself for any of it! Like everyone else said, you are an amazing woman and the strongest one I know.

I was showing Kalevi pictures of Lakai and E at the meet and told him, "This is the baby I was telling you about, that was born at 24 weeks" and he was absolutely floored. 

With all you've been through, you deserve what you want. And it's not your fault you didn't go for a check-up. It would have been the last thing on my mind with a baby covered in tubes and monitors. We all know that Lakai was #1.

But now it's your turn, girl! Do everything you can to get that BFP. We're all here to support you!!!!

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs::hugs: :hugs::hugs: :hugs::hugs: :hugs:


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