# Angel Mom 10-20-11



## MissingRyder

My horrible nightmare started last weekend, exactly one week from today. I'm a nurse and used to work on a postpartum floor. I have experience with using dopplers and checking for FHT on pregnant women of all gestations. Friday night my husband and I tried finding the baby's FHT and couldn't find it. He expressed some concern and the nurse I am tried to ease his worries and said it was hiding we would try again. Saturday we tried twice and Sunday once. I'll admit I became worried Saturday a.m. after not finding the heartbeat. I was 17 weeks and new the protocol. At 17 weeks pregnant women are seen in the ER and I preferred to see my doctor. On Monday a.m. I contacted my OB's office and informed them of my worries and they seen me immediately. He instantly did a sono and when I saw the baby on the monitor I knew instantly and begin to cry. My baby had no movement and no heartbeat :( My heart was broken and I had tears streaming down before he even confirmed the news b/c I could see it for myself. I have 3 healthy girls and just never thought anything like this would happen to me. Boy was I wrong and this news was so devestating. Given the different options I chose to deliver by induction but wanted a couple days before we did it. I chose Thursday the 20th and am so thankful for the days I had continued to carry and protect my sweet baby. Some feel weird about carrying a baby that has passed, but I felt this was my only way to keep him longer with me. I left that appointment feeling hopeless and so very sad. This baby was unexpected and initially I'm ashamed to say I wasn't extrememly thrilled. Through time I begin to become excited and couldn't wait till my sono Nov. 1st to find out what the sex was. That evening we told our 3 girls ages 19, 14 and 10. They too were devestated and upset with the news. My next struggles were decisions and no parents should ever have to make them. We chose to have our baby cremated and contacted a funeral home for those arrangements. I want my baby with me forever and always and can't stand the thought of burying him with the possibility of moving in my lifetime. Next decision was my children do I allow them to see him after he delivers? Are they emotionally able to have closure without seeing him or would they fear him if they did see him? After thinking about all the miscarried babies I had seen while working at the hospital there wasn't one baby I wouldn't have shown my children, so why would I deprive them of seeing their sibling? Decision was made we would wait till the baby delivered and make the choice based on that. Wednesday night I didn't wanna fall asleep b/c I knew Thursday would come sooner. Thursday morning we were admitted at 6 a.m. Cytotec was started at 0730 and I delivered a beautiful little boy Ryder at 6:54 p.m. He weighed 4.6 oz and was 8 inches long. He was perfect in every physical way. Luckily it wasn't a mystery rather an accident that caused his passing. His umbilical cord was twisted, approx. 10-15 times causing a deprevation of oxygen and nutritional supply. We did allow our children to see him and I'm so happy we did. They loved and kissed on him and only experienced difficulty when they were saying bye knowing they would never see his physical being again. I know Ryder doesn't exist in his body and was watching from above to see our reactions and what we thought of his sweet body. We kept him throughout the night, loved the time I was able to spend protecting, adoring and examining his body. Unfortunately like the Wednesday night prior I refused to fall asleep for a lengthly period of time because the morning would come to soon and the funeral home would be there to get him. The funeral director actually came late 0745, and I thanked him for that. Giving him up was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. After my goodbyes and they left with him I never felt so lonely in my life. I still feel empty and lost to some extent. A part of me isn't with me and I'll always long for it...... God Bless my sweet Angel that heaven received, may he fly freely and make his presence known often.......... I love you baby Ryder!


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry for your loss of Ryder :cry: I feel every ounce of your pain, believe me. The words you have written I have felt and still feel. I lost my Ava at 18 and half weeks. I was set up for a D&E at the time I didn't know what that was and then when I found out I could not do it.:cry: I already had all the seaweed they call it inserted up in me and was to report to the hospital. I didn't go when I should have (I did it on purpose) :cry::cry:My water broke and I gave birth to her on my toilet :cry::cry::cry: I used to be scared to say I didn't go to the hospital for the D&E but I am not scared anymore, it was my choice, I wanted her born and I wanted to feel everything that had anything to do with my little love Ava :cry: We buried her on 3/11/2011 and even now almost 8 months later I am still devastated and empty. The day she died I lost myself forever. I was 40 when i got the shock of my life being pregnant, my boys are 20,17 and 11 and we were definitely done . Then to find out I was having a girl was a dream to me that I thought would never happen, then I went for amnio and she was gone and I had to stay 3 days with her inside me, it killed me. But she was born i held her she felt my love and I am grateful to god for this/ Things will get better for us but it takes a long time, you never get over this ever, but you learn to deal with it. I call it my new normal :cry::cry::cry: Thank you so much for sharing your story..I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and lots of love..
XOXOX ooo XOXOOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## tabitha561

So sorry :( this made me tear up... I have never had a 2nd trimester lost. I have had 2 M/C and can not imagine what your going through... big :hugs: :hugs:


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## MissingRyder

Thank you both for reading my story. It has made me feel better to write about him. I am in hopes of doing a journal that I can use to remember him. 

AndyPanda, the loss is great and I can't imagine not having been able to see him. I never once second guessed that decision but luckily I have seen miscarried babies d/t my work and had ideas of what to expect. It's unfortunate that people don't have the info. and the hospitals don't supply them with it. I've ran across so many forums where people regret their decisions or were not informed of what they could do. I hate this for these mothers, it breaks my heart for them. I have no regrets that I feel will weigh on me. I LOVED the entire time I spent with him and only wish I had him longer. But I do plan to keep him in my heart FOREVER.

Tabitha, I'm sorry you have had a loss at all. It doesn't matter when the loss occurs it is a loss and a great one at that. I loved this baby and now have a future of memories we can't make with him. I asked myself that question already..... If he was meant to have been a miscarriage was I lucky that I carried him till he was developed and I had the ability to see his beautiful face and hold him? I feel devestated and would've with any miscarriage regardless of the gestation, but i do feel blessed to have been able to see his beautiful face and take pictures I can look at often. 

God Bless you both and may your babies remain in the arms of the angels until you are there to protect them.


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## Cloe

:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## luckybreak

:cry: I am so sorry for your family loss :cry: thank you for sharing your story may your family find peace. :hug:


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## winterwonder

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss, your story is the same as mine, i knew before my 20 week scan something was not quite right but put it down to the baby hiding. I also carried my little one in me for a few days before i was induced and i'm really grateful i did as i think it gave me time to say goodbye to him. 

I think writing a journal is a lovely way to remember your baby and if you ever need anything, this place is always very welcoming.
:flower:


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of precious Ryder. It makes me so sad when another person joins us on here, to know that there is someone else going through this pain.

You been through a terrible time, but I'm so glad you got to spend time with him after he was born, and your daughters got to meet him too. Your family will always cherish that time you had with him. I love his little footprints.

It's still such early days for you - I'm glad you've found this place, the ladies here are so wonderful and are here for you whether you want some support, or to cry or shout. 

xxx


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## MummyStobe

I'm so sorry for your loss hun. Sending big hugs.
RIP baby Ryder, fly high with the angels x


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## collie_crazy

I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Ryder :sad1: :hugs: 

I too lost my daughter at 17 weeks, although we knew she was ill beforehand. It'll be 3 months tomorrow and still the pain consumes me. I dont know if I will ever feel 'better' but I know I will never feel whole again - like you said they take a part of you with them. 

:hugs: I hope you and your family find the strength to come through this :hugs:


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## DueSeptember

*I'm Sorry for your Loss   We all know what you are going through *


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## SarahJane

I am so sorry for your loss :hugs:

I hope the coming days, weeks and months are kind and gentle xxx


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## yazoo

I am so sorry about the loss of baby Ryder. YOu have come to the right place. Fly high little man. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Hellylou

:hugs::hugs:So sorry for your loss - thinking of you and your family at this difficult time


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## SassyLou

I'm so sorry :hugs:


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## KamIAm

Welcome Hon' ... :hugs: I am terribly sorry .... :hugs:

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us... You are remarkably strong... :flower: I absolutely love his name and how you spell it!!! :flower:

I too know your pain, how lost you feel.... My body failed us, terribly.. I have a crappy cervix and I went into premature labor with my Emma at 19.4wks.. She was 8oz and 6 in long, your lil guy was good size : ) ... My saving grace during the initial period was this website... No one in my real life knew what I was thinking or feeling and even tho they tried like heck to help me they couldn't... They just didn't understand or know how or what to say....

I hope you find the love and comfort just as I did 7 months ago ...

One big lesson I learned.... Take one minute at a time... There is NO wrong or right way to grieve... All that you are thinking and feeling is OK:winkwink:

We will always be here for you!!! :hugs:

~I wish to GOD I would have had my Emma cremated just as you did with Ryder, would have loved to have those few days to think and plan... One major regret of mine .... 

Take care love' :flower:


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## MissingRyder

Thank you all for reading my story. I have found strength in talking about him with others that have been through it. I find I can be doing nothing and it just hits me. Doesn't require being sparked by anything. The nights seem the hardest along with the mornings. The rest of the day I have consumed myself with looking at his pictures. Thank you all for your prayers of comfort and strength and I hope and pray you have gained the same.


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss of little Ryder, fly high lovely boy. I'm so sorry you have had to join us, none of us ever thought we'd be here I don't think but I'm so glad I found the great ladies here - this is a safe space to express whatever emotions you are feeling and you will be met with understanding, compassion and love. These ladies have kept me on the right side of sanity.

My thoughts are with you on these coming weeks, I hope the days are as gentle on you as they can be. xxx


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## jojo23

RIP little angel Ryder! fly high forever xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## daopdesign

sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story xxx


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## bek74

I am so sorry or your loss. I think it is nice that you got to spend the night with your precious little man. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dippydo

So sorry to read about Ryder - yet another baby gone too soon. Life can be very cruel.


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## staceyg

sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## amotherslove

heartbreaking.. so sorry for your loss<3


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## babylou

I'm so sorry for you. We had a very similar experience. The MW couldn't find Samuels heartbeat on my normal checkup, so I was sent straight to the hospital for a scan. 

The worst time of my life.

The silence of the lady whilst she looked at the screen was unbearable. I waited for her to smile and say that the little tinker had been hiding from us and everything was fine. But it wasn't. 'It's not good news........' and that was it.:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

OH was working 5 hours away, so my mum was there and had to hear the news with me. Then I had to call OH and let him know.....

Don't think I'll ever forget that empty feeling.

3 days later I was back in hospital to deliver Samuel.:angel:

At the moment I feel ok, but I do have some bad hours. Everyone on here is really supportive, so I just drop by to chat, update, and also offer support when I can or feel the need (quite often at the moment).

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, those first few days are awful :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## teal

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: xx


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## young_n_proud

:hugs: So very sorry for your loss.


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## angel jayvian

Iam so sorry for your loss huns. We are all here for you and know the pain you are going through :(..xoxo..


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## Audraia

So sorry for your loss *hugs*


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## myheadismush

:cry:

:hugs:


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