# Feeling strong enough to tell my story (long)



## MummyStobe

I cant believe that its only just over 3 weeks since we said goodbye to Max. It feels like a lifetime has passed but at the same time it feels like only yesterday. Today I feel strong enough to tell my story.

At the end of July I started with some brown spotting which gradually increased to full on fresh red bleeding. I was backwards and forwards to the hospital on various occasions during the day and middle of the night. I joked about needing to rent a room I was making the journey that often. On every visit I was examined and told the bleeding was coming from my cervix and would settle down but it didn't. 

On the evening of Friday 5th Aug I was back at the hospital again and the doctor did a scan to check for a low lying placenta so we got a sneaky peek at our little man and he gave us a little wave. The placenta was in a good position so I had yet another internal examination and the doctor could still see the bleeding was coming from my cervix and wasn't too concerned but wanted me to be booked in for an urgent colposcopy. 

I had my routine scan booked for Monday 8th Aug so we went to that and I was left feeling a bit deflated by it. The sonographer was a sour faced mare and was getting frustrated because Max had his head down and he was in a bad position for her to carry out all the checks. I got sent out twice to drink more water and move around but it didn't help and in the end she had to get someone else in. Although we were told everything was fine we didn't get to see the screen much, she didn't really explain anything and she couldn't get a decent picture so we decided to save our money and not get one. We did stick to our guns and we didnt find out the sex, I was adamant I wanted to stay on team yellow. 

After the scan we popped into the Maternity Day Unit as the bleeding wasn't settling down and I wanted to see if my colposcopy had been booked and as we were waiting at the desk I felt this gush, looking back now I know it was my waters breaking. I went into panic mode and they called a doctor and a consultant down to see me. The consultant said I had to be admitted and that the colposcopy appointment had to be chased up. 

I spent the Monday evening, Tuesday and Wednesday on the Maternity ward, luckily I had a side room so I wasnt surrounded by babies. On the Tuesday I was having cramps (or with hindsight contractions) and was feeling really ill. That evening I was told my colposcopy was booked for Thursday morning (great birthday present for me) and put on a drip and the midwife listened to the heartbeat which was good and strong. On the Wednesday morning I got a couple of strong kicks but the bleeding was getting really heavy and the cramps a lot worse. I felt like I was up and down to the loo all morning and it was on one of these trips that Max decided to put in his appearance. I ended up using the emergency pull and three midwives came dashing in. I gave birth to him in the bathroom at 12:16pm and apart from the midwives I was on my own, my mum was on her way to see me for afternoon visiting and Mark wasnt due to visit until teatime. The midwives called Mark and they were both with me within the hour. I was in complete shock after I had delivered him, I was numb and couldn't cry at first. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but I was scared to hear the answers, it took all my courage to ask if I'd had a boy or a girl. I'm still amazed that he was a little boy as I was 110% convinced that I was carrying a girl. We decided to call him Max as it was one of the names on our shortlist and it was the name that I kept getting drawn to. It seemed silly to try to think of another name for him.

I was then moved down to the delivery suite and we got to see Max and spend some time with him. He was absolutely perfect in every single way and he looked just like Mark. He was just so small, he only weighed 9.5 ounces. We got lots of pictures of him and the hospital did his foot and hand prints for us and the chaplain came to see us and blessed Max. We were able to choose a blanket to wrap him in which we were allowed to bring home. I haven't slept without it since, not that I've done much sleeping. I go to bed feeling tired but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again and when I do sleep I have the strangest dreams. I used to enjoy my sleep but not anymore. I asked to go home that night, I didn't want to spend anymore time in the hospital, I just wanted to be at home with Mark but when it was time to leave I couldn't bring myself to go. Walking away from the hospital that evening is one of the hardest things I've ever done, I felt like I was leaving my baby behind, I just wanted to take him home with us. And then when we got home, it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be here, it didn't feel like me safe haven anymore.

We made the decision not to have a post mortem done, Im certain Max would have been fine if I hadnt gone into labour so early but I asked for any investigations they can do for me. They took some blood to test and my colposcopy was rearranged for this coming Thursday and I have an appointment with the consultant at the end of September. Now I feel like these appointments are dragging things out and stopping me from moving on but deep down I know they are important and if they are able to tell me anything it could help in any future pregnancy. 

We had a small funeral service for Max on 20th Aug with immediate family at Marks family church and had him buried in the churchyard. The Priest did a lovely service and then my heart shattered all over again as Mark carried the tiny white casket out to the grave. I carried Max's photo and linked my arm through Marks and we exited the church as a family. I don't know where we found the strength to get through the day, I cry eveytime I think about it. Im so glad we didnt decide to have Max cremated as there wouldnt have been any ashes and I would have felt like we had disposed of him rather than laid him to rest. 

Im still off work at the moment, my GP has signed me off for another two weeks this morning but he wants me to work towards getting myself back to work after that. I have my good days and my bad days although one good day is normally followed by two or three bad ones. 

Sorry to prattle on so much, I was hoping to keep it shorter than this. Well done if you've made it this far and thank you for taking the time to read.


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## Mellybelle

:hugs: :hugs:
RIP little Max :angel:


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## Cassie10

I'm so sorry for your loss... :hugs: and thank you for telling us about Max. That is a beautiful name! I lost Brailynn 2 months ago and I still am like you with the good days and the bad days. Slowly but surely I have started having more good days. I still miss her like crazy as I'm sure you do Max but just know we are all here to listen and talk whenever you need to. :hugs:


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## daopdesign

Thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry you have had to go through this :hugs:


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## DueSeptember

*Aww R.I.P. Baby Max...My story is almost like yours but I never had any Bleeding...My water just broke early...If you ever want to talk I am around....xo *


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## nineena

R.I.P little Max and sweet dreams now xxx


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry to read of your loss of lovely Max, thank you for sharing him with us. It's such early days for you hon, try to take it easy on yourself. You may not be ready for work for a while and don't let your doctor boss you into going back too soon if you're not ready. 

Your story has brought tears to me, it's so sad that any of us has to go through this. Sorry again for your loss xxxx


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## swalumni

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## Imalia

I'm sorry you've had to experience this, it's not something anyone should ever have to go through. You're entitled to your bad days, you are grieving, and you should never be sorry for that. Don't rush, be gentle to yourself. You will start to heal and the good days will become more frequent. 

Sleep tight, baby Max.


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## MaevesMummy

MummyStobe said:


> I cant believe that its only just over 3 weeks since we said goodbye to Max. It feels like a lifetime has passed but at the same time it feels like only yesterday. Today I feel strong enough to tell my story.
> 
> At the end of July I started with some brown spotting which gradually increased to full on fresh red bleeding. I was backwards and forwards to the hospital on various occasions during the day and middle of the night. I joked about needing to rent a room I was making the journey that often. On every visit I was examined and told the bleeding was coming from my cervix and would settle down but it didn't.
> 
> On the evening of Friday 5th Aug I was back at the hospital again and the doctor did a scan to check for a low lying placenta so we got a sneaky peek at our little man and he gave us a little wave. The placenta was in a good position so I had yet another internal examination and the doctor could still see the bleeding was coming from my cervix and wasn't too concerned but wanted me to be booked in for an urgent colposcopy.
> 
> I had my routine scan booked for Monday 8th Aug so we went to that and I was left feeling a bit deflated by it. The sonographer was a sour faced mare and was getting frustrated because Max had his head down and he was in a bad position for her to carry out all the checks. I got sent out twice to drink more water and move around but it didn't help and in the end she had to get someone else in. Although we were told everything was fine we didn't get to see the screen much, she didn't really explain anything and she couldn't get a decent picture so we decided to save our money and not get one. We did stick to our guns and we didnt find out the sex, I was adamant I wanted to stay on team yellow.
> 
> After the scan we popped into the Maternity Day Unit as the bleeding wasn't settling down and I wanted to see if my colposcopy had been booked and as we were waiting at the desk I felt this gush, looking back now I know it was my waters breaking. I went into panic mode and they called a doctor and a consultant down to see me. The consultant said I had to be admitted and that the colposcopy appointment had to be chased up.
> 
> I spent the Monday evening, Tuesday and Wednesday on the Maternity ward, luckily I had a side room so I wasnt surrounded by babies. On the Tuesday I was having cramps (or with hindsight contractions) and was feeling really ill. That evening I was told my colposcopy was booked for Thursday morning (great birthday present for me) and put on a drip and the midwife listened to the heartbeat which was good and strong. On the Wednesday morning I got a couple of strong kicks but the bleeding was getting really heavy and the cramps a lot worse. I felt like I was up and down to the loo all morning and it was on one of these trips that Max decided to put in his appearance. I ended up using the emergency pull and three midwives came dashing in. I gave birth to him in the bathroom at 12:16pm and apart from the midwives I was on my own, my mum was on her way to see me for afternoon visiting and Mark wasnt due to visit until teatime. The midwives called Mark and they were both with me within the hour. I was in complete shock after I had delivered him, I was numb and couldn't cry at first. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask but I was scared to hear the answers, it took all my courage to ask if I'd had a boy or a girl. I'm still amazed that he was a little boy as I was 110% convinced that I was carrying a girl. We decided to call him Max as it was one of the names on our shortlist and it was the name that I kept getting drawn to. It seemed silly to try to think of another name for him.
> 
> I was then moved down to the delivery suite and we got to see Max and spend some time with him. He was absolutely perfect in every single way and he looked just like Mark. He was just so small, he only weighed 9.5 ounces. We got lots of pictures of him and the hospital did his foot and hand prints for us and the chaplain came to see us and blessed Max. We were able to choose a blanket to wrap him in which we were allowed to bring home. I haven't slept without it since, not that I've done much sleeping. I go to bed feeling tired but as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm wide awake again and when I do sleep I have the strangest dreams. I used to enjoy my sleep but not anymore. I asked to go home that night, I didn't want to spend anymore time in the hospital, I just wanted to be at home with Mark but when it was time to leave I couldn't bring myself to go. Walking away from the hospital that evening is one of the hardest things I've ever done, I felt like I was leaving my baby behind, I just wanted to take him home with us. And then when we got home, it didn't feel right and I didn't want to be here, it didn't feel like me safe haven anymore.
> 
> We made the decision not to have a post mortem done, Im certain Max would have been fine if I hadnt gone into labour so early but I asked for any investigations they can do for me. They took some blood to test and my colposcopy was rearranged for this coming Thursday and I have an appointment with the consultant at the end of September. Now I feel like these appointments are dragging things out and stopping me from moving on but deep down I know they are important and if they are able to tell me anything it could help in any future pregnancy.
> 
> We had a small funeral service for Max on 20th Aug with immediate family at Marks family church and had him buried in the churchyard. The Priest did a lovely service and then my heart shattered all over again as Mark carried the tiny white casket out to the grave. I carried Max's photo and linked my arm through Marks and we exited the church as a family. I don't know where we found the strength to get through the day, I cry eveytime I think about it. Im so glad we didnt decide to have Max cremated as there wouldnt have been any ashes and I would have felt like we had disposed of him rather than laid him to rest.
> 
> Im still off work at the moment, my GP has signed me off for another two weeks this morning but he wants me to work towards getting myself back to work after that. I have my good days and my bad days although one good day is normally followed by two or three bad ones.
> 
> Sorry to prattle on so much, I was hoping to keep it shorter than this. Well done if you've made it this far and thank you for taking the time to read.

Hi I am so sorry for your loss. this is heartbreaking I cried reading this. your story is so similar to mine please feel free to add me and pm me when you feel ready xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## collie_crazy

I read this last night but started crying and couldn't reply. I know we are strangers and I dont know you but god my heart breaks for you and your family :cry: I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Its so unfair. 

No words can take away your pain right now but I hope you find this forum as much a comfort as I have. Its been 6 weeks now since we said goodbye to our daughter and I honestly dont know where I would be without the fab BnB ladies - they are angels :hugs:

I can only echo what someone else said earlier - please make sure you are ready to go back to work dont rush back because your doctor thinks you should be ready. Different people will take different amounts of time and only you know what you are strong enough for. As I said its been 6 weeks now and I am still signed off work, today I got another 2 week line. I've been on half pay for a while which is only adding to our stress but I know in my heart that there is no way I could face work and dealing with other peoples problems yet. Hopefully I will be in a slightly better place in 2 weeks. 

Take care of yourself :hugs: and I am always here if you need someone to talk to.


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## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry/ RIP little Max :cry::cry::cry::cry: If you ever need a friend please let me know I can be here for you even if just to vent..
XOXOXO My heart is with you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Jox

im so very sorry for your loss of your little boy :hugs: xxx


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry to hear about Max, I first came to this forum 11 weeks ago and it makes me so sad when another new person posts their story.

I'm 'lucky', if you can call it that, to have qualified for maternity leave as one of my girls was alive when she was born, so I have been able to spend time at home coming to terms with what happened. I honestly believe it has helped me, I can't imagine how hard it would have been to go back to work after just a few weeks. It's still such early days for you, don't let anyone force you to go back to work if you are not ready. You need to take time to grieve and come to terms with what happened.



collie_crazy said:


> No words can take away your pain right now but I hope you find this forum as much a comfort as I have. Its been 6 weeks now since we said goodbye to our daughter and I honestly dont know where I would be without the fab BnB ladies - they are angels :hugs:

I completely agree with collie_crazy - I don't know what I would have done without the ladies on here. I come on here every day, it's a real comfort to speak to others who have been through the same thing. There's always someone there for you.

take care and thank you for sharing your story x


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry:There are NO words to express how deeply sorry I am for your loss of precious Max. Thinking of you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## open lotus

so so very sorry :( ((hugs)) xxx


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## mummylove

RIP little max to good for this earth :(


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## catcatcat

So sorry there are no words :(


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## lovealittle1

So sorry lots of :hugs:


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## Sarah27

thanks for sharing your story... Its awful leaving the hospital without your baby its such an awful feeling... xxx


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## heather91

:hugs: So sorry for your loss. Thought are with you and your family xx


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## TillyMoo

I'm so so sorry for what you're going through :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Waiting2bMommy

So sorry for you loss :hugs:


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## MummyStobe

I've not been on the site for a while as I associate coming on here with being pregnant and I have to be feeling strong to log on so I've only just seen all of your kind words and messages.

I want to say thank you to each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply to my thread, I have to agree with Collie, all the BnB women are angels, you are wonderful and I'm sorry that we have all been brought together under such sad circumstances.

I saw my consultant last Thursday, she was lovely I couldn't have asked to see anyone nicer, she carried out a colposcopy examination and my cervix has returned to normal and no abnormal cells showed up which is reassuring. She is arranging for me to see her again in a few weeks, rather than with the other consultant I was booked in with, to go through my medical notes and to answer any questions that we have and to put in place a plan for how I will be cared for/treated during any future pregnancies. I feel like I have turned a corner since this appointment, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I can now start to move forward. I'm still very emotional and I still have my bad days but the good days are starting to increase. AF has turned up this morning too (first time it has ever made me smile) so I can start tracking my cycle again for when we are ready to start trying again.

xx


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