# March 3rd 2012



## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am NOT a drama queen nor do I like to tell people how i feel or let my feelings out, it is just the way I am.
I have to say my true feelings here though ..I am petrified of this day :cry::cry: I can't believe a year is almost here and how fast it went. I go back to that day and wish i could make it better for my Ava and myself. This has been the hardest year of my life and yes I have gotten through this but this pain never leaves and I keep wishing things went our way and I had my beautiful Ava right now with me. :cry::cry::cry::cry:
:cry:I don't want this day to come , i am so sick of this pain and the fear knowing that it will be with me till i leave this earth, it is so hard and the worst really now for me is nobody in my everyday life understands. Why is it so hard to talk to your family the people who are supposed to love you? I can't believe people just think you forget this ever happened how can they be so FUC*IN stupid?

I have so much sadness but when my anger comes out it is terrible, I loose it that is why I don't like people talking about it ( Not that they do) they just say I am so happy you have moved on? :growlmad::growlmad: NOOOOOOOOO I have not moved on I am still stuck in this sadness and YES my heart is still broken....
I just wanted to get this out and ask has anyone been at their 1 year date and how did they handle it. 
Love you all and thank you for reading :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## jojo23

awe hun we all totally understand how you feel!! 
i think to be honest the year marker for me is even harder than Lily's due date, only because to me this is the day she was born and died and not the would have been due date.
but honestly what your feeling is totally normal, yesterday was the first time i ever talked to anyone other than you girls here about what went on that day, as in how i felt and the actual birth etc. when i told my friend she just sat and listened and then hugged me and said 'i never realised what you went through and i hope i never have to hear of that happening to any mother ever again' she was heartbroken.

i think sometimes people dont realise how awful it is and how much emotion we go through. and of course you dont move on, none of us will ever move on we just learn to live with the pain of loss and learn to deal with it a little better.

dont beat yourself up hun its only a year! can you imagine someone losing their mum/dad/husband etc.... would anyone expect them to be over it in a year?no way!!!so why should they expect that of you.... you are so entitled to every minute you need to be angry/sad or any other emotion you feel.

i think for family its so hard for them to understand purely because they have never been through it. for a long time i was so annoyed with my female cousins and sister because they didnt understand me...but then i think thank god they dont because to understand this situation you would have to go through it and i wouldnt want that for any of them. i even wrote some of them a little note explaining that although i know i will never be the same because of this at the back of it all im still me and im still a mother even though i dont have her in my arms and it helped. maybe you could try that hun writing things down?

if you ever feel things are getting on top of you hun you should think about maybe seeing someone to talk to, not even a counsellor but maybe a support group. your doctor may know of some cause i know even as bad as ireland is medical wise we still have this and its called fealacain(fail-a-cawn) which is the irish language for butterfly which i thought was quite nice!theres absolutely no shame in asking for some support in your everyday life,

and as always we are here for you 100% and when that day comes we eill all be there in your heart and Ava will be here in our hearts and with our angels!! you and Ava are so loved and always will be xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry: Jo , I really love you and I wish I could just hug you right now. Thank you for always posting to me and helping me. One day I am strong and the next I am on my knees with pain, what a roller coaster this is . I really feel it may be a good time to talk to a group. They have a loss support group at the hospital and it is free, I just have not gotten around to joining, but I may have to now. I just sometimes need someone who knows this loss to talk to me face to face and me know they know my pain.. We all need help sometimes. I have gotten better but sometimes I just need to talk about things and it is pointless to talk to someone who doesn't know.

I love you and thanks :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## OliveBay

Andrea, I haven't really got much to offer you in terms of how to deal with this upcoming milestone, but I wanted to send you some love, hugs and support all the same since you are always so supportive to everyone else :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

This time is bound to be difficult and I agree with what jojo said about this date being more of a big deal than the due date. Just remember to be gentle on yourself over the next few weeks and roll with the bad times when they seem to be having a surge.

We will never forget our angels and we can't ever totally escape from the impact they have had on our lives. To be honest, we wouldn't _want _to forget them. I would rather remember _everything _about my little boy, the good, the bad and the downright traumatic, rather than forget he ever existed. Likewise, Ava was such an important person in your life and I know that even though your heart still aches for her you would never ever want to stop thinking about her.

Please just remember that you are not alone :hugs:


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## Krippy

I haven't gotten to my 1 year day yet Andy but I just want to wish you all the peace and gentleness for this day. Thinking of you!


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## Bride2b

Hey Andrea,I just wanted to say I'm here for you,like so many of these other wonderful ladies. We are united in this horrible grief we feel & like you say people don't understand what it's like to live with it day in day out,and that we have to live with the trauma each and everyday for the rest of our lives. It's not something we can just 'get over' and forget it happened. We each created a life,a life that for some reason was too precious to grace this earth. I don't know how you are supposed to cope with Ava's birthday,just get through these days the best you can,if that means shutting yourself away and crying that's obviously your way,or if lighting candles & writing a poem is your way then that's fine too. I think the sound of a support group is great,people in your real life you have common ground with. Be gentle with yourself,your an amazing lady & a great friend on here xxx


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## Hellylou

Hi Andrea,

It's so hard...no matter how much you will time not to rush on so much it just does. I really hope the day is manageable. If I can offer any advice at all I would say do whatever your heart tells you to that day.

I mentioned a while ago about a friend of mine who lost her first born boy at 20 weeks, and went on to have 3 children. She still commemorates his birthday with her husband and they opened champagne and drank a toast to him on the 18th anniversary recently. I was so touched by this, to know that you never ever forget, and that our angels just become a part of our lives, to be remembered and commemorated.

Sending big hugs to you. :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

Bride2b said:


> Hey Andrea,I just wanted to say I'm here for you,like so many of these other wonderful ladies. We are united in this horrible grief we feel & like you say people don't understand what it's like to live with it day in day out,and that we have to live with the trauma each and everyday for the rest of our lives. It's not something we can just 'get over' and forget it happened. We each created a life,a life that for some reason was too precious to grace this earth. I don't know how you are supposed to cope with Ava's birthday,just get through these days the best you can,if that means shutting yourself away and crying that's obviously your way,or if lighting candles & writing a poem is your way then that's fine too. I think the sound of a support group is great,people in your real life you have common ground with. Be gentle with yourself,your an amazing lady & a great friend on here xxx

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thank you so much for your post, it helps more than you know..XOXOOX


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## Andypanda6570

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for posting to me and helping me through this. I think I just need a break :cry: I am just so confused and I am thinking that I may not try again. I know it has been said that I am not old, but to me I will be 42 in June and I just don't think my heart could take another loss. This experience killed me and it has taken me almost a year to be able to really come to terms with this.


I know this is the choice that is right, it breaks my heart, but it is just something I can't do.

Thanks for always supporting me... XOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Hi Andrea,

I don't have any great advice either, except do as you feel for the day, and for the days leading up to it. I can only imagine how hard it will be, maybe you and your family could do something nice to remember Ava? 

I know we will all live with this pain forever but I hope in the future we all find reasons to smile again, despite it - especially you, you are always so kind to us all, you deserve to be happy again. There may always be a small peice of you missing but there's a big bit left! You're great, love you. Thanks for always being there for me xxx


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## jojo23

hope you are ok andy!!! i hate to think of you upset hun... i know your taking a lil break from here but just wanted to say again how much we all love you and we all know you are an amazing mother, not just to your lovely men but to gorgeous Ava too! and whatever decision you make wont change that. 

we love you and are here for you always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## babylou

Hello

I am sorry that you are feeling so down at the moment. It's like a rollercoaster ride that never stops isn't it.... 

I'm having lots of ups and downs at the mo. It would have been my last day at work today, before resting up ready for Samuel to be born. :cry:

Please, please take care, and look after yourself. Lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs: xx


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## JASMAK

I will be thinking of you and your angel on March 3rd, 2012. :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

JASMAK said:


> I will be thinking of you and your angel on March 3rd, 2012. :hugs:

Thank you SO much, I am petrified of this coming date :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> I will be thinking of you and your angel on March 3rd, 2012. :hugs:
> 
> Thank you SO much, I am petrified of this coming date :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...


Hi Andrea, I am sorry you are feeling so down again at the moment.:cry:

As you know I only just lost my LO, so the first anniversary is a long way off, thankfully.

Maybe once Ava`s birthday has passed, you may be able to take the next step and move forward.

Don`t make any decisions yet about TTC again. I know how you feel as i am in exactly he same position.

However, at the moment your emotions are all over the place again. Perhaps you should wait a while before making a final decision about TTC.

Have you anything special planned for Ava`s birthday? I have read on other posts about people placing things in the ocean, maybe flowers.:flower: 

Thinking of you,

Lisa:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

dancareoi said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> I will be thinking of you and your angel on March 3rd, 2012. :hugs:
> 
> Thank you SO much, I am petrified of this coming date :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Hi Andrea, I am sorry you are feeling so down again at the moment.:cry:
> 
> As you know I only just lost my LO, so the first anniversary is a long way off, thankfully.
> 
> Maybe once Ava`s birthday has passed, you may be able to take the next step and move forward.
> 
> Don`t make any decisions yet about TTC again. I know how you feel as i am in exactly he same position.
> 
> However, at the moment your emotions are all over the place again. Perhaps you should wait a while before making a final decision about TTC.
> 
> Have you anything special planned for Ava`s birthday? I have read on other posts about people placing things in the ocean, maybe flowers.:flower:
> 
> Thinking of you,
> 
> Lisa:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Thanks so much , Lisa :hugs::hugs::hugs:
I think on that day I am just going to go to see her alone and sit for awhile and just talk to her, I just wish things were different for us. I miss her so much and sometimes all i can do is think about what could have been :cry::cry: It is so hard to let go, I know I have to, but I don't want to.

OXOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> I will be thinking of you and your angel on March 3rd, 2012. :hugs:
> 
> Thank you SO much, I am petrified of this coming date :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Hi Andrea, I am sorry you are feeling so down again at the moment.:cry:
> 
> As you know I only just lost my LO, so the first anniversary is a long way off, thankfully.
> 
> Maybe once Ava`s birthday has passed, you may be able to take the next step and move forward.
> 
> Don`t make any decisions yet about TTC again. I know how you feel as i am in exactly he same position.
> 
> However, at the moment your emotions are all over the place again. Perhaps you should wait a while before making a final decision about TTC.
> 
> Have you anything special planned for Ava`s birthday? I have read on other posts about people placing things in the ocean, maybe flowers.:flower:
> 
> Thinking of you,
> 
> Lisa:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> Thanks so much , Lisa :hugs::hugs::hugs:
> I think on that day I am just going to go to see her alone and sit for awhile and just talk to her, I just wish things were different for us. I miss her so much and sometimes all i can do is think about what could have been :cry::cry: It is so hard to let go, I know I have to, but I don't want to.
> 
> OXOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Andrea, you know i prefer to be alone, I feel that way you can let your feelings go.
In front of DH and kids i feel I have to be strong, but on my own I can cry as much as I want.
i think spending time with Ava on your own will be very special, that way you can cry as much as you want and talk to her and say whatever you want without anyone listening.

I know when our LO was born, I wanted to be on my own with it for a while, without anyone there.
DH went home to see kids and i asked a nurse if I could have my baby for a while.
They bought it in, in a tiny little moses basket with a blanket over it. I sat for ages just rocking it in my arms, telling it how much it was loved and gave it lots of kisses on it`s tiny little head and then just sat holding it`s tiny little hand.
I couldn`t have done this if anyone else, including DH, had been in the room.

Maybe after the anniversary things may start to get a little easier. Maybe you will be able to let go a little and try and move forward.

Thinking of you. 

Lisa:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Kelly9

:hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

I can't believe Saturday will be here soon :cry::cry: I am so scared. My husband and I were watching Amercan Idol and he turned to me and said Saturday is the 1 year mark :cry::cry: This is coming from a man who remembers nothing . I was shocked, my sons also remembered :cry::cry:
I just want to go there by myself, I just want to talk to her by myself .
I wish this pain would just go away I hate it and I don't understand what the hell I did to deserve this. I just want my little peanut back thats all.
Guess I am asking for way to much here :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:


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## Kelly9

I don't know what to say because I haven't been there yet, I haven't even passed the due date but it sounds like you're going through the same feelings I have been going through being so early after our loss and that makes sense that those feelings would come back at a time when you will think and feel so many things about her on a day thats all about her.

They say the first year and a day is the hardest to get through when you loose someone you love, though we carry it with us forever. I hope you find peace in visiting your little girl and the days get easier. :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

Kelly9 said:


> I don't know what to say because I haven't been there yet, I haven't even passed the due date but it sounds like you're going through the same feelings I have been going through being so early after our loss and that makes sense that those feelings would come back at a time when you will think and feel so many things about her on a day thats all about her.
> 
> They say the first year and a day is the hardest to get through when you loose someone you love, though we carry it with us forever. I hope you find peace in visiting your little girl and the days get easier. :hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thank you so much . Thank you for taking the time to say this to me :hugs:
Just when you think everything is going to be ok , you get hit again. :cry:
I prayed to Ava last night and I just cried , cause sometimes I just don't understand why this had to happen? I have come such a long way and now I feel like well I know this pain will never go away. I am dreading Saturday , but I am going to try to make it a sort of like a celebration, cause I got to hold her and I got to tell her how much I love her. I am so grateful that I got those precious moments with her, it meant the world to me...
XOOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Miss Mitch

thinking of you andypanda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

Miss Mitch said:


> thinking of you andypanda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thank you so very much..


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> Miss Mitch said:
> 
> 
> thinking of you andypanda xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thank you so very much..Click to expand...


:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## OliveBay

Just remember to be gentle on yourself Andrea. Sending you lots of love :hugs: I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful to say, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you x x x


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## Andypanda6570

OliveBay said:


> Just remember to be gentle on yourself Andrea. Sending you lots of love :hugs: I'm sorry I don't have anything more useful to say, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you x x x

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Just saying what u said is enough..xoxoxoxo


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## Nikki_d72

That's great that your husband and boys realise the date is coming - I know you want to be alone with her but if they want to support you that is a great thing. No woman is an island. I'll be thinking of you on that day, you are always in my thoughts anyway hon. :hugs: xxx


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## Andypanda6570

Nikki_d72 said:


> That's great that your husband and boys realise the date is coming - I know you want to be alone with her but if they want to support you that is a great thing. No woman is an island. I'll be thinking of you on that day, you are always in my thoughts anyway hon. :hugs: xxx

Love you SO much, Nikki :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Andrea I know nothing I say can take away your pain, or make things any better but I will say that I love you very much. :hugs: I really hope that one day soon you can find that place that has a smoother road. At some point, the bumps do get smaller and the ride less bumpy.... and it just kills me to see how rough your road still is :cry: If I could take away all your pain and hold it in me I would because I dont want to see you hurt anymore. :cry: 

I hope you and Ava have a very special day together and that maybe she can help you find some peace :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## Miss Mitch

kiki04 said:


> Andrea I know nothing I say can take away your pain, or make things any better but I will say that I love you very much. :hugs: I really hope that one day soon you can find that place that has a smoother road. At some point, the bumps do get smaller and the ride less bumpy.... and it just kills me to see how rough your road still is :cry: If I could take away all your pain and hold it in me I would because I dont want to see you hurt anymore. :cry:
> 
> I hope you and Ava have a very special day together and that maybe she can help you find some peace :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

What a wonderful thing to say to someone :hugs: xx


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## Andypanda6570

kiki04 said:


> Andrea I know nothing I say can take away your pain, or make things any better but I will say that I love you very much. :hugs: I really hope that one day soon you can find that place that has a smoother road. At some point, the bumps do get smaller and the ride less bumpy.... and it just kills me to see how rough your road still is :cry: If I could take away all your pain and hold it in me I would because I dont want to see you hurt anymore. :cry:
> 
> I hope you and Ava have a very special day together and that maybe she can help you find some peace :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I love you also and thank you for your post. It was getting easier for me and now I just feel like it is day one again. I am hoping after March 3rd passes things will get back to the way they were. I sat up last night just crying, I am so sick of crying :nope::nope: but I can't help it. I can give advice to people but I can't take my own. I think it is just that 1 year of her loss had went by so quickly for me and I just need to come to terms with it. I hope the 2nd year loss is easier for me.
XOXOXOX :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## DueSeptember

*Awww a year it went by so fast  I will prolly cry my eyes out but I have been doing that since she has passed...I cant seem to get over it as they say time will heal then why am I still hurt...I will probably be this way until I have my rainbow baby  sucks!!! *


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## Andypanda6570

DueSeptember said:


> *Awww a year it went by so fast  I will prolly cry my eyes out but I have been doing that since she has passed...I cant seem to get over it as they say time will heal then why am I still hurt...I will probably be this way until I have my rainbow baby  sucks!!! *

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## OliveBay

Andrea, just wanted to say that I'll be thinking of you and Ava tomorrow :hugs:


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> :cry::cry::cry::cry: I am NOT a drama queen nor do I like to tell people how i feel or let my feelings out, it is just the way I am.
> I have to say my true feelings here though ..I am petrified of this day :cry::cry: I can't believe a year is almost here and how fast it went. I go back to that day and wish i could make it better for my Ava and myself. This has been the hardest year of my life and yes I have gotten through this but this pain never leaves and I keep wishing things went our way and I had my beautiful Ava right now with me. :cry::cry::cry::cry:
> :cry:I don't want this day to come , i am so sick of this pain and the fear knowing that it will be with me till i leave this earth, it is so hard and the worst really now for me is nobody in my everyday life understands. Why is it so hard to talk to your family the people who are supposed to love you? I can't believe people just think you forget this ever happened how can they be so FUC*IN stupid?
> 
> I have so much sadness but when my anger comes out it is terrible, I loose it that is why I don't like people talking about it ( Not that they do) they just say I am so happy you have moved on? :growlmad::growlmad: NOOOOOOOOO I have not moved on I am still stuck in this sadness and YES my heart is still broken....
> I just wanted to get this out and ask has anyone been at their 1 year date and how did they handle it.
> Love you all and thank you for reading :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


Andrea, I hope you have a peaceful and special day with Ava tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and sending lots of love and best wishes.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Kelly9

Hoping tomorrow is as peaceful and easy as possible for you.


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## Nikki_d72

Wishing you and your family a gentle day today. Floaty kisses to Ava. xxx


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## mhazzab

Lots of love and hugs from me too. I have been thinking about you and Ava all week. Today will be so hard for you but try to remember her with a smile. There are so many of us around the world thinking of you both today, maybe you can take a little comfort from that. Love you lots Andrea xx


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thanks SO much. Me and my husband are going to go and let off some balloons and I have written Ava a letter that I will put in a little baggy and leave at her grave, I just poured my heart out to her.:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:I hope the rain stops so I can have more time to stay there. Thank you all so much for helping me through this.
You all mean more to me than you know.. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## collie_crazy

The balloons sound lovely :hugs: I hope the rain eased and you got to spend time there. And like Mhairi says there are so many people around the world remembering sweet Ava today, she was just so special :hugs:


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## Cheska

I have read your story in other people's posts. I know you dont know me but just wanted to find you today to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hope it's as gentle as possible. 

Happy 1st birthday Ava hope you get lots of angel cake and floaty kisses from your mummy and everyone who knows you xxxx


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## babylou

Thinking of you today - sending lots of love and hugs :hugs::hugs:

Take care

xxx


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## JASMAK

Sending lots of love to you today :hugs:


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## Ozzieshunni

You know I don't often come here, but I wanted to send you some extra special hugs and love on this day.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## Kelly9

Lots of hugs and thoughts of you and Ava today.


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## zanDark

lots of love to you sweetie :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## oldmamamia

you and ava have been in my thoughts today, hope youve managed to get through this very sad day with the love and support of your family x sending love and prayers across the pond xx


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry:You all have NO idea how much this means to me, thank you so much for your kindness and love.. XOOXOX:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
You all help me so much xoxoxo


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## SabrinaKat

I've already posted elsewhere and privately, but am thinking of you today....

with great love,

Pamela aka SabrinaKat


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs: From the bottom of my heart , thank you for your posts to me , I was overwhelmed by them. How can so many care about me and my Ava :hugs::hugs::hugs: you don't have any idea what that means to me :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry: Thank you... Amazing is the only word for you all.

I went yesterday, I was going to go alone, but Nick ( my husband) got really upset and said that wasn't fair to him, he was right :cry: SO we both went.
I bought some balloons and my letter to Ava and I just cried, it took me so long to get my words out for her. My husband had to go to the bathroom (lol) so he left and went into the office and that is when I poured myself out to Ava. I know she hears me, i told how lost I am without her :cry: I told her how lost I feel sometimes in my life, how when I feel happiness I always have a tug in my heart and the sadness comes back to me. I told her to please watch over her brothers and her mommy and daddy. I told her how I don't think I can get pregnant again, I am so scared and with my age 41 I can't face another loss. I told her how loosing her has changed the person I once was, I told her how I would have been the best mommy to her and how when she was a mommy herself i would have not only been her mom, but her best friend too. I had so many dreams for this beautiful life growing inside of me. She was such a surprise to us, never thought I would have such a gift at 40, I told her the day I lost her, I lost myself and now I can't seem to get the old me back. I try so hard but the old me is just gone and there are times I just look at other little babies and wish so much that was Ava and I.. I will as we all will carry this pain till the day I die. I just pray one day I can actually be happy again, I know now I can never let Ava go I just can't seem to get over her, I dream of her and I can't bring myself to truly be happy. I am so proud of my boys , they went to see her without me even knowing. Maybe one day the old me will come back, but with a hole in my heart that doesn't seem to mend. I miss this child so much, I just want my baby back :cry::cry::cry::cry: Thank you XOOXOO


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## blueskai

Oh Andy you and Ava were on my mind yesterday, felt like crying. I hate how this pain is never ending, and that every year we'll be faced with it. 
I'm so glad you poured out your heart to her. 
Sending you lots of hugs and kisses 

xo


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## DueSeptember

*Awww I was off yesterday.....Sending you LOTS of  *


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## dancareoi

Andrea,

How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?


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## Andypanda6570

dancareoi said:


> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?

I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:


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## mhazzab

Andypanda6570 said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?
> 
> I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:Click to expand...

Andrea I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear this :) xxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

mhazzab said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?
> 
> I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:Click to expand...
> 
> Andrea I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear this :) xxxxxxxClick to expand...

XOOXOX Love you...:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kaths101

Still thinking of you and little Ava, The balloons and your letter to her sounded lovely :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

kaths101 said:


> Still thinking of you and little Ava, The balloons and your letter to her sounded lovely :hugs::hugs::hugs:

XOoooXO Thank you SO very much, it means a lot ot know I have people who care ... :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## jojo23

awe andy im so happy to hear your gonna give it another shot!! your such an amazing woman and mum you deserve your rainbow hun xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?
> 
> I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:Click to expand...

Hi Andrea, so pleased to hear you are feeling better. I know it will never heal completely.:thumbup:

I am also really pleased you are going to try again, that will give you some hope and something to look forward to instead of looking back.:flower:

Even though I am not on here so much these days, I am always thinking about you and hoping with all my heart you get the precious little rainbow you so deserve.:hugs:

Still hoping i can be your TTC buddy!!!:hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

dancareoi said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?
> 
> I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:Click to expand...
> 
> Hi Andrea, so pleased to hear you are feeling better. I know it will never heal completely.:thumbup:
> 
> I am also really pleased you are going to try again, that will give you some hope and something to look forward to instead of looking back.:flower:
> 
> Even though I am not on here so much these days, I am always thinking about you and hoping with all my heart you get the precious little rainbow you so deserve.:hugs:
> 
> Still hoping i can be your TTC buddy!!!:hugs:
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Of course we are buddies , TTC and through anything.. XOXOXOOOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dancareoi

Andypanda6570 said:


> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> dancareoi said:
> 
> 
> Andrea,
> 
> How do you feel now the anniversay has passed?
> 
> I feel SO much better, Lisa. It was such a hard day, I just can't figure out where a year went :cry::cry: I decided this month I am going to try, don't know why , but I am giving it one more go. I love you Lisa and everyone thanks for even caring about my precious Ava. You ladies are amazing and I hope you all know that..XOOXO You all have touched my heart so much :cry::cry::cry::cry:Click to expand...
> 
> Hi Andrea, so pleased to hear you are feeling better. I know it will never heal completely.:thumbup:
> 
> I am also really pleased you are going to try again, that will give you some hope and something to look forward to instead of looking back.:flower:
> 
> Even though I am not on here so much these days, I am always thinking about you and hoping with all my heart you get the precious little rainbow you so deserve.:hugs:
> 
> Still hoping i can be your TTC buddy!!!:hugs:
> 
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> Of course we are buddies , TTC and through anything.. XOXOXOOOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Thanks Andrea:hugs:

Still waiting for DH to decide what to do, but as i said to him, why should it be his decision what we do, why can`t it be mine.

Whatever we decide he doesn`t lose out. If we don`t he gets his choice, if we do he wil hopefully get another LO - he is a winner either way!

Really hoping we can TTC in April. He knows how devasted i will be if we don`t try again. However, I am not going to take NO as an answer!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so glad you have made a decision on what to do, you sound so much happier now, i was getting worried about you.:hugs::hugs:
:dust::dust:


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