# 8 Months My Ava Is Gone.



## Andypanda6570

Last night I woke up at about 3am and it was funny cause I don't usually wake up. Anyway I just started crying I mean really crying .I just did not understand, i knew it was over Ava but the time and way it was happening was funny.
My husband came up and saw me and said is that you crying, i thought it was the tv. He said what is wrong I said well what do you think, he just held me while I cried. I just kept saying i wanted my life back and I wanted to stop feeling this pain in my soul, it just never leaves me, ever..:cry::cry::cry:
I woke up and took my pill for my thyroid and I always check the day on the calendar so i always know I took my pill. I looked and went to check it off and realized it was the 3rd..It all made sense how funny my body would just know, today is 8 months since I lost Ava . I thought it was so odd that i was so upset and I couldn't figure out what this strange feeling was. My God it is 8 months since my little angel has left me. Why is it so bad, why am I still so very sad and so empty, why?:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
I asked God last night to just give me a sign that Ava was ok. I told God I would wait a day or till the day I died as long as he told me..
I miss this little gift so much, I feel so lost sometimes and so sad..
Thanks for listening to me..
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## scoobymum

:cry: :hugs: xxxxxxxxxx


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## SarahJane

:cry: massive hugs Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am 7 months today so know that feeling :cry:

Here for you whenever you need to vent babe xoxoxoxoxoxox


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## amotherslove

i am so so sorry<3 i'm sure your little one is okay my dear. jesus loves all the little children.. and of course she is with him. you guys will meet again someday.. i'm so sorry that day is not today..


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## Fascination

:hugs: thinking of you x


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## calm

So sorry my darling XXX


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## bek74

Oh honey. You feel this way because Ava is your little girl and you longed for a daughter and had dreams of what she would be like and watching her grow up, doing her pretty hair and buying gorgeous dresses and she was taken from you and it hurts in a way I could only imagine. I don't know if it will ever get easier, you lost your daughter.
Cry and cry some more, there is no time frame on grief, your allowed to feel this way for as long as it takes.
I love you and I hate how this has happened to you, I hate it and it makes me angry at times, especially when I read posts like this where I can feel your pain. I wish I had the power to change what's happened, I wish that more than anything. I love you so much


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## Andypanda6570

bek74 said:


> Oh honey. You feel this way because Ava is your little girl and you longed for a daughter and had dreams of what she would be like and watching her grow up, doing her pretty hair and buying gorgeous dresses and she was taken from you and it hurts in a way I could only imagine. I don't know if it will ever get easier, you lost your daughter.
> Cry and cry some more, there is no time frame on grief, your allowed to feel this way for as long as it takes.
> I love you and I hate how this has happened to you, I hate it and it makes me angry at times, especially when I read posts like this where I can feel your pain. I wish I had the power to change what's happened, I wish that more than anything. I love you so much

I love you so much too :cry::cry::cry:
I just don't know why this happened to me , why? I didn't even expect to ever have a girl and then this little miracle comes into my life so unexpectedly and she is taken from me, for what, why?
I am so hurt, Bek and so so sad. There are days I just sit and look out my window and hours pass and I don't even realize. I just look at the sun and the outside and ask, why, what did i ever do for this to happen to me:cry::cry::cry::cry:
What scares me so much Bek is I know I will never get over this, it is just always there waiting for me.. It is so hard to go through//:cry::cry::cry::cry:
XOOXOXOX I feel so sad right now, bek//:cry::cry::cry::cry:


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## angel jayvian

I cried reading this :(.. This feeling is the worse!! Does it bother u when people see you crying and ask what's wrong? Because I get mad and my answer is what you think is wrong ...am I the only one????


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## Hellylou

Andrea, I am so so sorry, and I am thinking of you and sending as much love and hugs as I can. There is absolutely no fairness or reason in any of this and I wish so much I could make it all better for you, for me, for all of us.

I hate it when I cry and my husband asks what's wrong...I can't believe he needs to ask. Even my 12 year old daughter knows if she finds me crying she just sits and cuddles me and says nothing til I am through, and she's 12. Funny how children can be so much more perceptive and sensitive than adults...

Thinking of you today and always here for you x:hugs::hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

angel jayvian said:


> I cried reading this :(.. This feeling is the worse!! Does it bother u when people see you crying and ask what's wrong? Because I get mad and my answer is what you think is wrong ...am I the only one????

 I cry wherever I go, Cindy. I can't even talk about it cause I get so upset. My husband should know by now why I am crying like a baby, I know he does not mean it but men are just not equipped to deal with a woman's pain. I always said women are much stronger than men. :cry: I just miss Ava so much. I know you know exactly how I feel. :cry::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:




Hellylou said:


> Andrea, I am so so sorry, and I am thinking of you and sending as much love and hugs as I can. There is absolutely no fairness or reason in any of this and I wish so much I could make it all better for you, for me, for all of us.
> 
> I hate it when I cry and my husband asks what's wrong...I can't believe he needs to ask. Even my 12 year old daughter knows if she finds me crying she just sits and cuddles me and says nothing til I am through, and she's 12. Funny how children can be so much more perceptive and sensitive than adults...
> 
> Thinking of you today and always here for you x:hugs::hugs:

Thank you SO very much, Helen..:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
It is so funny you said that. My son ,my youngest ,is 11 and he does the same, he knows right away and does not even ask, he just hugs me and says it will be ok.:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
I said how do you know what is wrong and he said dad told me that for the rest of your life you will pretend you are ok , but you are not and you will always cry for Ava . He said mom you know you have me, right :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:I am crying right now as I type this, I could not believe he said this and I felt guilty so guilty. I don't want my son to think that I love this child more than him , that he had to say you will always have me. I just told him one day he will be a father and he will understand, I am just so sad... I thank God I have my little Anthony ..:kiss::kiss::kiss::kiss:


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## Hellylou

I know, my daughter said something similar at first, something like 'we are still here'. I think it's difficult for them to grasp that you can be grieving so much for a lost child but still love them just the same. I think sometimes they can feel a bit forgotten and abandoned in all of it, and just want the harmony restored so it can be like it was.

I remember when I was 7 and my grandad died. I was too young to really understand, and I remember seeing my mum sitting crying, and in an effort to help I said "just try not to think about it", to which she replied "but I _want_ to think about it". I never forgot that, and it taught me a valuable lesson about grief.


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## KamIAm

Hi Ms. Andy ... :flower: Just seen your post and my heart aches for you... completely breaks me to hear and see any of you in pain.. Lossing a chid is forever life altering, no matter the age or gestation... It's hell on earth... Yes, I have done that at times before, not sure why I was upset or what set me off and then later someone will mention the date and I'll have "that Ah Ha" moment.. realizing it's the 25th or a Thurs...
I pray and send sooo many loves and hugs to you Andrea... Please know Lil Ava is just fine, she is perfect.. Yes, I'm sure she misses her mommy just as you miss her but one day you two will be together again ... Until then, hang tight... cry.. vent... talk ...scream as much as you need.... Ava is your daughter and it's only natural and normal to mourn her loss ... :hugs:

Just know you are a remarkable strong beautiful mother ...All 4 are very lucky to have you.... And, I count myself truly blessed to have you as my friend :flower: 

Lots of Loves!!! Xoxoxo :winkwink: :hugs: :flower:


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## Andypanda6570

Hellylou said:


> I know, my daughter said something similar at first, something like 'we are still here'. I think it's difficult for them to grasp that you can be grieving so much for a lost child but still love them just the same. I think sometimes they can feel a bit forgotten and abandoned in all of it, and just want the harmony restored so it can be like it was.
> 
> I remember when I was 7 and my grandad died. I was too young to really understand, and I remember seeing my mum sitting crying, and in an effort to help I said "just try not to think about it", to which she replied "but I _want_ to think about it". I never forgot that, and it taught me a valuable lesson about grief.

Thank you so very much, Helen for your words..They do help and today my faith is back, I will post a new thread, I just have to tell people what happened to me today..XOXOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:



KamIAm said:


> Hi Ms. Andy ... :flower: Just seen your post and my heart aches for you... completely breaks me to hear and see any of you in pain.. Lossing a chid is forever life altering, no matter the age or gestation... It's hell on earth... Yes, I have done that at times before, not sure why I was upset or what set me off and then later someone will mention the date and I'll have "that Ah Ha" moment.. realizing it's the 25th or a Thurs...
> I pray and send sooo many loves and hugs to you Andrea... Please know Lil Ava is just fine, she is perfect.. Yes, I'm sure she misses her mommy just as you miss her but one day you two will be together again ... Until then, hang tight... cry.. vent... talk ...scream as much as you need.... Ava is your daughter and it's only natural and normal to mourn her loss ... :hugs:
> 
> Just know you are a remarkable strong beautiful mother ...All 4 are very lucky to have you.... And, I count myself truly blessed to have you as my friend :flower:
> 
> Lots of Loves!!! Xoxoxo :winkwink: :hugs: :flower:

Kelly, thank you , I love you. I know for sure my Ava and all our babies are ok. I am going to post a new thread to tell you what happened to me today . I know now that we all will be together with our babies again :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## SabrinaKat

I'm sorry honey that you're having such a hard time....

I can't say anything that hasn't been said before, except that we're all thinking of you and wishing we could give you a real hug, and just let you cry. (Now, I have tears in my eyes...)

best wishes


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## Andypanda6570

SabrinaKat said:


> I'm sorry honey that you're having such a hard time....
> 
> I can't say anything that hasn't been said before, except that we're all thinking of you and wishing we could give you a real hug, and just let you cry. (Now, I have tears in my eyes...)
> 
> best wishes

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Thank you, you are so sweet and believe me all of you women get me through each day, so just know you all are helping others every single day of your life, every single time you read my posts and comment to me, you are helping me :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I love you all for that..


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## angel jayvian

Yea I really get offended when they ask what's wrong .. I thought I was the only one.i have learned here that all my feelings and thoughts are part of my grieving. I read how you guys are feeling or thinking and I learned its ok to feel or think like that im soo grateful I found this site with all you wonderful ladies!!


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## AirForceWife7

:hugs: So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Aw, Andy, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this (although I've read your other post and know that you may not be so sad now, but still). I wish there was some magic I could do to make all of this undone for all of us. I wish I could give you a huge hug in RL but this will have to do for now :hug:. xxx


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## babylou

I feel sorry that you are feeling like this (although I too have read your new post and think you may be feeling a bit better now :hugs:).

I truly understand how you feel, I get so upset at times for no reason at all. My 7 year old daughter is so tuned into how I feel, it's almost like she is looking after me sometimes, she hugs me and talks to me to make me feel better. It's so lovely that she is there for me. OH does understand and will always be there for me too, I think (know) sometimes it upsets him too, but emotions are harder to show for men.

Our holiday has been a really lovely family together time, and being together like that has made such a difference to us all. 

I should have had my 20 weeks scan today :cry: but instead spent my first full day at work. I think just being busy helped, and my collegues were all supportive.

Love and hugs :hugs::kiss:


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## Nikki_d72

Glad your holiday went well helly! Sorry youre at work instead of getting your scan though. Hope the day wasn't too rouhg on you hon. xxx


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## Vickieh1981

I'm so sorry hun. Its horrid seeing the months marching by and taking you further from your baby :( 

:hug:


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## Andypanda6570

Vickieh1981 said:


> I'm so sorry hun. Its horrid seeing the months marching by and taking you further from your baby :(
> 
> :hug:

It still is hard for me, I get really defensive also. I know some people don't mean anything but even on here (BNB) if I see a post I don't like I get very defensive. I don't mean to get nasty, but I really feel some people have no idea of what some of us have been through.

I keep most in I am not a drama queen in any way and I don't ever say oh feel bad for me or poor me, that is just not me/ Sometimes BNB gets me a little angry hurt and sad, but I love all of you too much to ever leave. Sometimes I just feel like nobody understands me. even in my own life.

I do miss Ava so very much, but I know she and all of our babies are ok, I know this..
OXOXOXOXO:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Vickieh1981

Me too sweetie. I saw a post on here the other day that made me really irate and I had to bite my tongue to not say something.


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## Andypanda6570

Vickieh1981 said:


> Me too sweetie. I saw a post on here the other day that made me really irate and I had to bite my tongue to not say something.

Yes, but you know what you did the right thing by not posting and that is what I am going to do from now on/ :cry::cry::cry: It was a thread asking if Labor and Miscarriage feel the same :cry::cry::cry: Everyone was against me saying there was nothing wrong in asking ( A few saw my point but not a lot) I don't understand how you can compare them??? When I was in labor with my 3 boys I was so happy I was going to meet my little loves :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9::cloud9: When I gave birth to Ava i knew she was gone my heart was broken :cry::cry: Of course the physical pain will be different cause the emotional pain is different, I just thought it was an inappropriate question, but others didn't agree with me, It took all I had to not respond more, but I let it go. I will NOT post on these things anymore or even read them :cry::cry:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## KamIAm

Andrea, I know...when you stumble across another thread and it hits ya like a ton of bricks... I tend to just stay in a few areas, usually here and the ttc threads, to be honest, I have never peeked in any other spots for that fear alone... I don't wanna see what others say or think on touchy subjects... So, I just stay clear of them unfortunately... It's hard to bit your tongue isn't it... I know I sure do have a hard time as well LOL... 

Hope your doing well today my dear ... Xoxo!! :hugs:


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## Nikki_d72

Aw, I'm sorry you came across stuff like that, Andtrea. It's really hard to bite your tongue sometimes, I rarely look in other sections and try not to read stuff like that. Sometimes it's hard not to though. I learned even before losing the boys to be selective on here, as I was part of the homebirthing mob and often got attacked for my views elsewhere. There were a few threads I stumbled upon that denigrated homebirthing and I tried in vain to make people see how disrespectful they were being and usually ended up in huge arguments, it's just not worth it, puts the blood pressure up too much and the majority will never see or admit what they have said wrong anyway. 

If they haven't been in our shoes, they will never understand, it's probably best that way (that's the conclusion I've come to anyway). xxx


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## Vickieh1981

Andypanda6570 said:


> Vickieh1981 said:
> 
> 
> Me too sweetie. I saw a post on here the other day that made me really irate and I had to bite my tongue to not say something.
> 
> Yes, but you know what you did the right thing by not posting and that is what I am going to do from now on/ :cry::cry::cry: It was a thread asking if Labor and Miscarriage feel the same :cry::cry::cry: Everyone was against me saying there was nothing wrong in asking ( A few saw my point but not a lot) I don't understand how you can compare them??? When I was in labor with my 3 boys I was so happy I was going to meet my little loves :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9::cloud9: When I gave birth to Ava i knew she was gone my heart was broken :cry::cry: Of course the physical pain will be different cause the emotional pain is different, I just thought it was an inappropriate question, but others didn't agree with me, It took all I had to not respond more, but I let it go. I will NOT post on these things anymore or even read them :cry::cry:
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Where on earth did they think to ask that? Yeah it's totally the same labouring for a baby that has died as it is for one that is going to come home iwth you


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## Andypanda6570

Vickieh1981 said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Vickieh1981 said:
> 
> 
> Me too sweetie. I saw a post on here the other day that made me really irate and I had to bite my tongue to not say something.
> 
> Yes, but you know what you did the right thing by not posting and that is what I am going to do from now on/ :cry::cry::cry: It was a thread asking if Labor and Miscarriage feel the same :cry::cry::cry: Everyone was against me saying there was nothing wrong in asking ( A few saw my point but not a lot) I don't understand how you can compare them??? When I was in labor with my 3 boys I was so happy I was going to meet my little loves :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9::cloud9: When I gave birth to Ava i knew she was gone my heart was broken :cry::cry: Of course the physical pain will be different cause the emotional pain is different, I just thought it was an inappropriate question, but others didn't agree with me, It took all I had to not respond more, but I let it go. I will NOT post on these things anymore or even read them :cry::cry:
> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> Where on earth did they think to ask that? Yeah it's totally the same labouring for a baby that has died as it is for one that is going to come home iwth youClick to expand...

In the third trimester forum :cry::cry: I guess nobody else really had a problem with it. :cry: I think maybe they were not as far along as we were? I don't know.. It was just terrible :hugs::hugs:


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## Vickieh1981

Then they are idiots


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