# It's time I wrote mine (horrific behaviour by hospital - be warned)



## dizz

It's taken me since 4th April to be in an emotional state to be able to begin writing this - and I'll be typing through tears by the end. While I freely admit that a scared, in pain and sleep deprived me is a pain in the arse - the hospital behaved appallingly and I'm sure I have some form of PTSD over what we went through.

The three facts I'll add in to the background of the story:
- I have quite a severe fear of hospital-borne infections. A very close family friend who'd been like a father to me died about a year and a half ago of a massive infection he contracted while having a relatively routine, minor stay in hospital - having to visit him in ICU in a medically-induced coma, knowing he was dying was a very harrowing thing to deal with... I mentioned this consistently to medical staff. I was also scared of the idea of having to stay in hospital on my own because the one time I'd had to do this in the past they forgot about me until lunchtime the following day - assuming whoever was behind the cubicle curtains had long since been discharged.
- I've got a history of miscarriages - throughout the entire pregnancy I was never fully convinced my baby was destined to live... positive pregnancy tests = lost babies in my mind... this was clearly written on my medical notes.
- I had one of the more severe and early onset cases of SPD. I'd been on crutches since the beginning of February and housebound since March. I was terrified of the idea of long-term damage in situations like being forced to be numb from the waist down, flat on my back in stirrups... if such a thing had to happen I wanted my safe pain-free gap to be noted and respected.

So at 33 weeks on Easter Sunday I'm sat surfing the net eating my easter egg when I start getting period pains and think nothing of it - until I realise they're coming at absolutely regular intervals. I dither for about another hour before deciding to mention it to hubby... go to the toilet to wipe to find a bit of snotty dribble (not much though) and eventually we ring the Labour Suite for advice and get told to go in to be looked at. We both fully expected to be told it was nothing to worry about after a couple of hours being monitored and to be home in the small hours - I didn't see my house till 2 weeks later. 

We pootle in, late on Easter Sunday - and they examine me, see some fluid up there, so swab it and it comes back as amniotic fluid. Because of the infection risk - my vagina then becomes a no-go area and no one will examine me further - they give me the first steroid injection to mature her lungs and arrange for an anaesthetist to come check out my spine in case I need an epidural, and for one of the neo-natal doctors to come talk to me about the prognosis for babies born at 33/34 weeks... I don't really process the reality that they're expecting this baby to come - and just believe they're keeping me in overnight to give me the second steroid jab and that they'll monitor me and keep her cooking for as long as they can. We spend the night in the labour suite - hubby sleeping on the floor on a yoga mat, me in increasing amounts of discomfort and being told not to move around in case my waters fully go and the baby drops quickly trapping the cord - so stuck on a bed on the monitor, unable to even change the channel on the TV in the room since there was no remote. I'm still apparently not in proper labour as such.

By morning I'm in much more pain and they give me some diamorphine which takes it away completely. Still not in proper labour - they start asking me about being transferred up to a ward - which terrifies me for the comments I made above - the idea of being stuck on a ward overnight without my husband panics me. Eventually they say there'll be a side room for me so hubby can kip down in the armchair and move me up to the ward. My pain relief's worn off by this point and I'm in a fair amount of pain and the two chuffing paracetamol they gave me weren't even touching it - I'm promised more will be coming as soon as the doctor signs it off - and they move me up to the ward where I'm met by one of the staff from the ward who is lovely and sweetness and light...

...As the labour ward staff hand me over and leave me - miss sweetness-and-light becomes absolutely viciously nasty - tells me hubby will be kicked off away home ASAP and when I start crying with fear and pain, gets really really in my face about it - right up close in my personal space, very aggressive. This makes me much more scared of course - and I ask her, very politely, to leave us alone for a few minutes to talk... she ignores this and continues her verbal barrage at me... until I repeat the request and then tell her that I've now asked her five times to give us a moment. At this point she flips on me, asks me if I'm going to be an uncooperative patient and literally flounces out of the room... with hindsight I know that this is the point where I got labelled as a nuisance and future staff treated me as such from the start. 

So I'm in this side room, sobbing with fear, knowingfull well that this woman is the sort who'll delight in witholding pain relief just that teensy bit longer to make sure I know she's in control - and utterly terrified... a couple of hours pass - with me running back and forward to the loo cos I feel like I need a poo... I'm still waiting for this promised pain relief - by this point I'm up to 3 1/2 hours waiting for it and only having 2 paracetamol - I go to the loo again and - pop, woosh - waters gone.

Hubby pushes the buzzer, and we wait till someone saunters in... then goes back out to get someone to examine me with a smidge more urgency than they'd had coming in the room - I'm 8cm dilated (so much for not being in labour hah), and being rushed back down to the delivery suite - this time they don't wait for porters - the staff push me, and their steering of the trolley's so naff I'm being bounced off walls like a pinball machine.

Get down there and get given some gas and air which finally rounds the corners off the pain I've been in - and get the urge to push... so I'm pushing, lying flat on my back like I never wanted to do, strapped to the monitor which keeps losing the trace - so they get another woman in there to hold the monitor still on me - I've got one midwife pulling my knees apart despite my begging her not to as it was causing my SPD pain, this other woman holding the trace down who has the largest chest ever known and her boobs are pushing my other knee further shut - and the neo-natal team arrive ready to take the baby when she's born.

Baby starts to get tired and they start talking about a spinal and forceps. I'm terrified enough by this point and one of the neo-natal doctors just starts bombarding me with bullying to get me to consent - despite me saying that I'd reply to questions once a contraction is over - she wouldn't allow me that time to answer questions and because I'm worrying about what's going to happen in terms of preventing damage to my pelvis - she gets more and more aggressive in her demands that I shut up and consent basically. Backed into a corner and not being listened to I freak out completely and say, "I can't do this - just let me die, the baby will be dead already because all my babies die." Eventually they guarantee me they won't push my legs past my pain threshold (but don't actually measure this at all - they just wave a tape measure to shut me up) and they also promise me they're not allowed to perform an episiotomy without telling me they're going to do so.

They wheel me down to theatre - by this point I feel just like a piece of meat - utterly powerless and just something for them to play with however they decide to. When they finally get me vertical to put the spinal in - the sensation of the baby finally making her way down the birth canal is almost overwhelming - if they hadn't have made me lie on my back for 24 hours - she would have come out easily. I react to the drugs and begin shaking uncontrollably - things are beeping and no one will tell me what the hell is beeping till I point out that things that are hooked up to me going beep scare me - and the anaesthetist tells me that "It's 20 grand of something that doesn't work properly but makes a bloody beeping noise"... which strangely relaxes me a bit! They shove my legs wide, wide apart in stirrups - well beyond where it would have caused my SPD massive pain and I'm told to push, and make some vague effort despite being spinally blocked - and I see something being lifted from between my legs that looked like a whitish blue coconut. I hear a cry and then see glimpses of a baby being carted from the room a few minutes later - no congratulations, no skin-to-skin - I don't even know what she looks like... and I'm left there with three blokes furtling about up my doo-dah and no one will tell me what they're doing. Not knowing what they're doing scares me even more. Eventually they tell me I've torn "a little bit" and they're repairing me for ages... I now know they were yanking shreds of my placenta out as well - poor hubby turned around at the wrong time and got sight of a bucketful of it being carried out of the room!

Then they leave my trolley in the corridor outside the theatre - while I wait - and someone comes eventually to tell me that the baby is in NICU, that I've had a third degree tear and cut (that they promised me they would need my consent to do - and didn't obtain) because she span around and came flying out back-to-back. I wait some more and they wheel me into NICU eventually - point to an incubator that contains what is apparently my child - then tell me I have to leave till the morning and wheel me up to the maternity ward.

No side rooms, no appropriate care - no sensitivity. I'm dumped on a ward where my "uncooperative patient" label's preceeded me and I'm dealt with accordingly. I'm there with mums and their newborns and a leaflet on breastfeeding's slung at me. When I point out this is a tad insensitive - I get gobfuls of it from the woman doing the slinging. The canula in my hand has the tube from it stuck down in such a way that every time my finger moves a milimetre it's wobbling the needle part - as I go to mention this and ask how long it has to stay in for as it's hurting - I get another barrage of how I'll die without it and how it's unreasonable of me and I'm selfish and irresponsible for "demanding" it's removed. Eventually I manage to get across that it's just the way the tubing is taped down that's causing me discomfort and get my 2cm of micropore tape to move the pathing of the tubing oh-so-slightly to stop my finger jiggling it about... and hubby's kicked off the ward and I'm left there lying in increasingly bloodied sheets, listening to newborns cry, wondering what the hell they've done to my undercarriage - unable to move for the spinal block and, I say this as someone who HAS been through this and can make a comparison, feeling pretty much like I've been raped. It was the longest, darkest, worst night of my entire life the night my little girl was born.

I didn't sleep - as the ward wakes up - the other women on there start staring at me about why I don't have a cot by my bed like I'm some sort of freakish potential baby-eating monster. I think that I really should start showing some concern for this baby of mine (that just feels like an abstract ideal - remember I've not even touched her at this point) and ask for someone to ring the NICU to see how she's doing. The odious Bounty woman comes around and starts staring into my cubicle pointedly looking for a cot - I scare her away with how firmly I ask her to leave (she ran away from me for the entire time I was on the ward in terror lol)... and eventually they take me down to neo-natal where I get to hold my girl, attempt to breastfeed with pathetic support trying to ram nipples into mouth - but do at least get shown how to use a breastpump... and I come back to the ward for the bombshell to be delivered...

Because I'd dared challenge what they'd decided they were going to do to me regarding the spinal and stirrups... they called Social Services on me as a child protection risk. I'm pulled into a side room and told this - and the second anyone sits down and actually listens to me - they realise just what has gone on and how a terrified woman in pain's been mistreated, ignored and misunderstood. Still I'm going to have to wait for the investigation to run its course - so after having the first tiny chance to bond with my daughter - now I'm back in bed terrified they'll take her away from me.

Firefox is lagging up - I'll restart it and post the next bit in a second or two....


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## dizz

She did three days in the NICU - the social services thing got dropped incredibly rapidly - but I still felt under massive scrutiny by all the staff, which added to the hideous strain of being on a ward away from her. The neo-natal woman who'd been awful to me at the birth came to see me on the ward - obviously trying to egg me into her being able to have more goes at me about me being a bad mother - she looked almost upset when I said I wasn't going to discuss it with her at all. Having the social services stuff hanging over me though - I'm unable to rock the boat at all when asked to consent to treatment for the baby - I have to allow them to give her formula through a nasal-gastric tube as my supply's not come in.

When they move her up to the ward with me - I'm given this green folder with feed totals in - shown how to do NG tube feeds and left to get on with it - despite the fact I'm finding dealing with ramming food down my daughter's nose very distressing and terrified of doing it wrong (especially after the SS stuff). 

I'm still attempting to breastfeed with no support for how to deal with such a tiny 4lb baby doing this - with constant people walking in from behind the curtains with no warning, with children allowed to run riot pulling curtains open as I'm sat there with my breasts out praying for this tiny child to latch on and just get it.

She had to be treated for jaundice which she hated lying under the lights naked and blindfolded - one of the ward staff complained about "those wretched lights blaring all night". I'm made to feel arkward for worrying that the NG tube isn't placed correctly - I'm basically made to feel arkward constantly - and I feel like a flipping freak show from the reactions of all the other mums for me walking around with this tiny baby with a tube in her nose... the stares are insane. 

The place was cracking me up, so badly I actually considered giving in and putting her into care for me to be able to leave the place (I feel utterly terrible that I considered this) - the provision for mothers to be able to leave the ward for a time was minimal - it consisted of putting the babies in a shared area next to the nurses' station and listening in case they screamed... as I wasn't prepared to do this - I was a prisoner there really. There were scuffles, people thrown off the ward - all sorts... I didn't feel safe, I didn't feel privacy - every night constant screaming from new babies and mothers sobbing in all the emotions they themselves were dealing with.

In the end, as we were making NO headway with breastfeeding, and I was so desperate to get out of that hell hole - I asked for a bottle to try to feed her expressed milk that way... and for the first time she fed through her mouth and not the tube. I cried. I've cried a lot about that - part of me feels like I sold her out taking her home expressing for as long as I could before switching to formula... part of me knows that by this point I was borderline suicidal with the despair of being stuck in the worst crappiest hospital ward imaginable. I don't think I'll ever fully reconcile how I feel about my decision there - in the end I managed to pump and keep some supply going for a month, and she was still unable to maintain a latch even by then... I couldn't have coped with that long living on that ward... flame me if you want to for that.

The worst though was every time a new woman was brought up to the ward with their baby and left by the delivery suite staff with a "congratulations you did really well"... for most of the time we were on that ward not one person said congratulations to us for our little girl - it was like we were the failures - the ones who'd delivered a "broken baby", the ones who'd screwed up their delivery date and popped her out too soon. Toward the end of our stay one (very dishy) doctor came on shift who we'd never seen before, walked into our cubicle, smiled and said "congratulations" and I could have hugged him... then he took her nose tube out, told us if she'd gained weight at her next weigh in and was taking her food fine without the tube - we could go home... and I would have done more than hug him!

OH and I forgot to add about that first hellish night on the ward - I could actually hear the staff talking about their nightmare new patient - my bed was the nearest to their desk and they STILL didn't have the nous to keep it down then.

Baby is now doing brilliantly, mum DOESN'T have PND despite them trying to diagnose me with it in an attempt to abdicate any responsibility for the hell they put me through ("oooh it wasn't that bad - she has PND and isn't thinking straight") - just very traumatised by the whole thing.

Sorry this got a bit disjointed towards the end - hubby hassling me to go do something.


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## isil

Firstly, *congratulations* :flower:

Have you spoken to PALS? Your experience was horrendous :hugs:


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## foxiechick1

Wow you poor thing I honestly don't know what to say apart from massive :hugs::hugs::hugs: and massive congratulations on the birth of your daughter xxx


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## BabyBean14

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! :D :hugs: I'm glad to hear you're all doing well now. 

Please know there is no failure in your story -- at least not on your part. I don't know how the system works in the UK, but you need to contact the patient rights board, a lawyer, or somebody! There are so many things wrong here, from being prejudiced as "difficult" to the doctors not getting proper consent that you would be well within your rights to demand an investigation or charges. No one should have to go through what you went through! Are you getting therapy for the PTSD? I know Brits aren't as therapy-friendly as we North Americans, but I believe it could really help. 

By the way, I've read a lot of birth stories on this board and almost all the ones that are traumatic are UK-based. In fact, when I started reading yours I immediately looked to see if you were in the UK. Something is terribly wrong with your system and it needs to change ASAP. 

Good luck with your little girl. I hope you are able to enjoy her and your new role as mom now! :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## strdstkittenx

huge congrats!


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## Natasha2605

I'm in absolute shock. I am so so so sorry you were treated in such am appalling way. I hope youve taken it further. Those bitchy people shouldn't win! Congratulations of your baby girl!


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## Reidfidleir

I feel like crying after reading your story. :(
But Big congratulations on your daughter! :flower:
You deserve so much pampering right now!

This is why I am terrified to give birth in a hospital. Unfortunately, your experience is shared by many other mothers.
I am stubbornly sticking with a homebirth, and NOT going to the local hospital near me if anything comes up. My midwives won't even take me there if that's the case. (my local hospital has not a very good reputation for anything. There are some good doctors, but hard to find. The name is Morton, and it is commonly nicknamed the Morgue around here...)


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## biliboi2

You should def see a solicitor! This is horrendous!


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## Beez

Congratulations sweet on your precious baby joy! 

What doesn't break you, makes you stronger! Your girls got one he'll of a strong mother as a role model....and yes! Get legal advice !!


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## barneybear1

Brought tears to my eyes x

Sending lots of good wishes for the future


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## honeybee2

Cried for you.

You DID do so well though considering the circumstances. I wish I could hug you and congratulations on your daughter x


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## omfgski

.


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## Luckystar

The word 'horrendous' immediately springs to mind. You really should take this further.

Congratulations on your precious little bundle :hugs: xxx


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## hayzeb

Omg :cry::cry: So sorry you went through that huni :hugs: 

Well done though sounds like you were amazing even with the terrible treatment you suffered xx


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## jessicatunnel

Omg, what a horrific experience! I'm in utter shock how someone could treat another human being like that, especially a terrified new mother! I am so sorry!

Glad you and baby are doing well now, and CONGRATULATIONS on your little girl!!


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## x_Rainbow_x

Congratulations. You did amazingly under the circumstance. 

Dont ever feel like a failure you have done amazingly and everything you could. The way they treated you is awful. nobody should ever treat you like that. I would make a full complaint about the hospital. 

xxx


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## XJessicaX

I haven't read a birth story so appalling in all my life. Well done for writing it all down, I hope you push your horrific experience as far as it will go, go to PALS and escalate it. No one should be treated this way ever.

Congratulations on your little girl. I hope these dark memories fade in time x x x


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## mrs.amillian

Wow, thats a horrendous story, you needs loads and loads of :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I'm shocked they treated you like this, and you didn't even encounter one nice person, they should be ashamed of themselves.
Also to call Social Services on you is appualling :nope: I'm glad that was all dropped.

I would contact PALS and get a full investigation into what happened, you need to learn exactly why they did what they did and they need to learn compassion.

But on the plus side you've got your baby, can we see a pic :flower:, how is she? are you enjoying having her home? is she growing well? bet you guys are loving your cuddles now :hugs:


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## dizz

Had to go back to the hospital for a checkup today... in a room next door to the ICU - I've been having flashbacks and reliving it all ever since.


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## Wispyshadow

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. Congratulations on your new baby and you did do a good job. You were strong and courageous through all of that insensitive, cruel chaos. If there is a place to report your treatment you definately should. I think sometimes nurses on delivery wards feel they are untouchable because they can just write it off as the mother was hysterical....its not right. Glad you are home and pray baby continues to do well. :flower: HUGS!


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## Kra

Congratulations on your little girl, and well done for coping through all that stress and awful care from them. It made me angry reading this :( how dare they treat you like that not only after your fears which they knew about but also the fact that you were delivering your little girl so early and it was such a stressful time for you. Well done again and I hope things are good for u and your family now xxxx


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## AC1987

:cry: your birth story made me cry! Wow... that is so horrible of them, I would complain if I were you!!
But congrats on the baby!! :hugs:


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## Mummy2B21

Well done, Congrats hun x


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## fidgets mammy

congrats on yr baby girl!!!

i am shocked that they treat u like that, animals!!!!

please please please complain!!!!!


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## maisie78

Firstly, Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby :flower:

I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience. Have you made a formal complaint or seen a solicitor? 

I'm almost afraid to ask but I'm in the Notts area too. Which hospital were you at if you don't mind me asking?

I hope you start to feel better soon. I think it may be worth seeking some counselling especially if you think you are suffering from PTSD.


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## dizz

maisie78 said:


> Firstly, Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby :flower:
> 
> I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience. Have you made a formal complaint or seen a solicitor?
> 
> I'm almost afraid to ask but I'm in the Notts area too. Which hospital were you at if you don't mind me asking?
> 
> I hope you start to feel better soon. I think it may be worth seeking some counselling especially if you think you are suffering from PTSD.

It was QMC - let's put this way - my midwife's told me if I get pregnant again, no ifs or buts - she's booking me in at City!


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## maisie78

dizz said:


> maisie78 said:
> 
> 
> Firstly, Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby :flower:
> 
> I'm so sorry you had such an awful experience. Have you made a formal complaint or seen a solicitor?
> 
> I'm almost afraid to ask but I'm in the Notts area too. Which hospital were you at if you don't mind me asking?
> 
> I hope you start to feel better soon. I think it may be worth seeking some counselling especially if you think you are suffering from PTSD.
> 
> It was QMC - let's put this way - my midwife's told me if I get pregnant again, no ifs or buts - she's booking me in at City!Click to expand...

Thanks for replying. I'm at City thankfully. I hadn't heard good things about QMC. A friend of mine told me that they would have to drag her kicking and screaming to that hospital. I'm glad I listened to her after reading your awful experience. I do hope you are able to get past this and that you are enjoying time with your baby xx


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## JWandBump

First, congratulations! Secondly, I can't believe how your we're treated! I'm so upset for you :hugs:


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## Mummy1995

Absolutely disgusting the way you've been treated, definitely get legal action against them! That is no way to treat ANYONE let alone a woman who is scared and in labour!! Just dreadful.. :(

On a more positive note, I'm glad you and your girl are doing okay now, and a MASSIVE congratuations to you and your OH :) xxx


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## oldmamamia

firstly congrats and secondly omg,cant believe you were treated like that, love to you and your family x


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## dizz

I think the way things went down in the hospital may have killed my marriage. I can't move on from how things were in there - and it's caused at least three blazing rows in the last couple of days, to the point I honestly think that if they'd let me die in childbirth it would have been the best outcome.

Of course I can't tell the GP I feel like this because of the eternal fear of them ringing social services again.

Basically - they've left me in long-term pain with my hips from the crap they pulled with the stirrups, and a total shell of a human who has nightmares about the place and lives in permanent fear of social services now. They quite literally have destroyed my life.


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## Katiekola

Firstly Congratulations and Erin is such a beautiful name :flower:

I am so sorry you were treated like that, I read your birth story and literally my jaw dropped to the floor. Are you getting support from anyone following this? I would not be afraid to go to your GP - anyone can see that it is these people at the hospital who should be investigated, not you. Im sure even social services can see how shambolic their behaviour was and the case against you was dropped for its ludacrasy. 

Please don't go through what you are feeling alone. You deserve to be happy and also get the medical attention you need from professional carers of which there are some around. You sound like a very strong person and my admiration goes out to you. Don't allow these vile people to ruin you x


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