# Fetal Demise at 17weeks



## maythisbelove

Warning: This is fairly long. I haven't vent like this in long time. If you read this, bless you. xoxo

SO and I found out we were pregnant in Janurary. Everything was going great! I received an ultrasound where the test the thickness of the neck for abnormalities (downs, etc)[forget the name of the test]. The baby looked great. Four weeks later, SO, myself, and my 3yo DS go to our monthly checkup. My doctor, who is amazing mind you, is trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler. She wasn't able to, which is completely understandable, DS liked to hide under my placenta. So she sent us to US. I was excited because I was going to be able to see our bean again! The US tech applied the gel and doppler onto my belly. She is taking what seems like forever to enter measurements onto the computer, moving the doppler around. I asked her is everything okay? She tells me hang on. She takes a few more moments to do whatever she was doing. I was getting a feeling in my stomach that I did not like. She wheels her chair to the wall with the TV on and flicks it on. I was smiling because I was going to see our bean! She proceeds to tell me she's sorry but there isn't a heartbeat. My DS is going wild in the US room and SO didn't hear what she said as he's trying to take care of DS, he just looks at me and says what's wrong. The US tech then repeats her self. I am bawling my eyes out. Crying hysterically. I get up and go into the restroom and bawl my eyes out more. We then have to walk across the waiting room past moms, moms to be, other women who know what just happened. Their faces, oh their faces. :cry: I proceed to the room where my doctor comes in and consoles me and talks over things with me. I then make arrangements to see a specialist bc my body hasn't rid itself of the baby. :sad2:. The walk to the car seemed like forever. It hadn't hit SO yet. We get into the car and we're pulling out, wait for oncoming traffic so we can go, and then it hits SO. He starts bawling which in turn has me bawling. We have to tell people, etc. About five days later we are able to see the specialist who was kind enough to "squeeze" me in. We went over the US, did another one, did all the necessary testing, etc. He tells me it's a fetal demise, the heart stopped beating for some time. I want to say the heart stopped beating almost two weeks after that US we had four weeks before our regular appt. We go over our options, etc. Since my body hasn't done it naturally, there was the one option. D&E. not D&C because I was in my second trimester. He sticks a couple sticks of seaweed type things in my cervix, which hurt more than i can fathom, bc obv my cervix is closed. A couple days later, I am admitted to the Outpatient Surgical Ward at the nearby hospital. All i could think was I hope this doesn't ruin my DS 2nd birthday party, which was scheduled to occur in two days. Of course i thought about so many other things that I tried to stay positive, etc. 

The proceeding weeks and months to pass were very difficult to me. After DS was born, I was in psychosis (not seeing or hearing this, just the disconnection from life, people, etc). I've delt with severe (to the tenth degree) depression all my life and def during my pregnancy with DS. So after we lost this baby, I felt numb. Things with SO, family, friends, weren't the same for some time. I felt alone. I always cried. I went to my post surgical appt and asked for Mirena. I didn't want to take the chance that it might happen again. It just wasn't SO and my time yet. 

It's been a year and three months (3 days away from the exact day we found out that the heartbeat wasn't there anymore), and a couple months ago we decided to TTC!!! Best news ever! So June 7th I have my mirena removed after it's been in for a year. My last LMP was May 23. We had DTD A LOT. TMI! But sex with SO is amazing, sensual, and just plain fun! This cycle was our only shot to TTC since he has to go to Seattle for work on Wednesday (6/29) for THREE months! Then he's back for a few weeks and gone again. I just hope it happens for us! Just as I hope it happens for all women out there who are TTC! :dust: to all! and hope all of us women get our :bfp: soon!

Thanks for reading, I feel a little better. I don't think I've ever really just told that story like that before. I don't really talk about it and if I do, it's fairly a touchy subject. 

xoxoxo


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## MrsWez

:hugs: so sorry for your loss.


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## jessie_m

I can't even imagine what pain you went through and still go through. Everything happens for a reason, and your LO is going to be up there watching down on you and your future LO. Fingers crossed for your BFP!!!


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## babyfromgod

I am so sorry for your loss, you are such a strong woman :hugs:


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## SassyLou

:hugs:


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## mrs_lukey

I am very sorry for your loss but wish you all the luck and happiness in your TTC journey - lets hope it is a short one with a happy outcome this time :) xxxx


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## daopdesign

Oh hunny bless you x I am soo sorry this happened to you. Please try and be positive one day you will have your baby safe in your arms xxxx


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry for your loss.I went through almost the same. Except i went to do the Amnio and there was no heartbeat, I was 18 weeks along :cry::cry: I then gave birth to her in my house on my bathroom 3 days later and we buried my Ava on March,11th 2011 :cry::cry: I don't think this pain ever stops . I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 I found out I was pregnant, we were SOoooo shocked we thought we were done. Then to find out it was a girl :cloud9: just was the best news ever. Now Ava was here for a brief moment and now gone forever :cry::cry::cry: It hurts very badly and I miss her more than any words i could type here. If you ever need to talk I am here. I am so sorry :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Im so sorry for your loss :hugs: Our stories are quite similar as I was 16+6 when I had my d&c :cry: I was in for u/s and it was confirmed my hcg levels had dropped to 4000 already and there was no HB. Everyone in the waiting room saw me bawling my eyes out. It was the single handed hardest day of my life and the pain is still very real in my heart. If you ever need to talk Im here :hugs:


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## SarahJane

I am so very very sorry for your loss honey. I really hope you get your rainbow baby soon :hugs:

:kiss: Kisses to your gorgeous angel :hugs:


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## SarahJane

jessie_m said:


> I can't even imagine what pain you went through and still go through. Everything happens for a reason, and your LO is going to be up there watching down on you and your future LO. Fingers crossed for your BFP!!!


Apologies to OP for my comments here but I cannot leave this thread without replying to this comment as it hurt me to read it.

Jessie_m - if "everything happens for a reason" could you please give me the reason why my baby died at 23 weeks and I had a 8 hour labour to deliver her? I am not sure if you have ever suffered a 2nd tri loss and in my heart I hope you never have to feel that pain but if you ever do you will understand why that comment hurts so much.


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## Tasha

Sorry for your loss sweetie :hugs:

Agree with SarahJane, that phrase it one of the worst, I dont think that everything happens for a reason. :hugs: SJ


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## SassyLou

^^^^ agree with SJ and Tasha, my loss was at 17 weeks. I still can find no reason why my perfect little boy was taken from me. He should be here growing inside me, I should be almost 38 weeks pregnant

:hugs: Maythisbelove

:hugs: SarahJane

:hugs: Tasha

xxx


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## daopdesign

Everything happens for a reason when it's a GOOD thing! Not when your baby is taken away from you and there is NO reason why. NO ONE will understand our losses unless they have been through it themselves.


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## Raincloud

:hugs:


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## kiki04

I had someone say that to me yesterday :cry:


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## Tasha

kiki04 said:


> I had someone say that to me yesterday :cry:

:hugs::hugs::hugs: sweetie


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## daopdesign

kiki04 said:


> I had someone say that to me yesterday :cry:

yep me too, heard it loads. Ya know, I just prefer now not to mention anything really can't be doing with going over it anyway. The only people I've ever felt like I need support from has been the wonderful ladies on here and the OH!

WHO ELSE IS GONNA UNDERSTAND! X


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## DueSeptember

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Missy86

Sorry for your loss


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## SatansSprite

I had 2 people say that "Everything happens for a reason" line to me too just yesterday. My aunt, and nurse in my docs office. It definitely wasn't something I felt comforted by AT ALL.

To the OP: I am very sorry for your loss, mine was just a little under 2 weeks ago and it still hurts. I'm still dealing with doctors appointments for it, and every appointment just brings more of the hurt back. I can't even talk to the OH about it, he feels that talking about it is what's making me having a harder time dealing, so all I have is the wonderful ladies on here.


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## zanDark

:hugs::hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs::hugs:


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## daopdesign

SatansSprite I'm kinda the same as you. Haven't really mentioned anything in a week or so to my OH but it's OK because we are both dealing with it as good as can be expected and I'm keeping pos about the future. You really just have to hun. When are you getting your results back? I had a call from a bereavement counsellor yesterday and I was like 'oh god just please stop reminding meeee!!" I told her that I didn't need the services but thanks anyway - I too feel I've had much more support here than anywhere x


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## Mellybelle

I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs:


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## SatansSprite

daopdesign said:


> SatansSprite I'm kinda the same as you. Haven't really mentioned anything in a week or so to my OH but it's OK because we are both dealing with it as good as can be expected and I'm keeping pos about the future. You really just have to hun. When are you getting your results back? I had a call from a bereavement counsellor yesterday and I was like 'oh god just please stop reminding meeee!!" I told her that I didn't need the services but thanks anyway - I too feel I've had much more support here than anywhere x


I've got an appointment with the OB on Monday, and I was told the results SHOULD be in by then (might call beforehand and check) then on Tuesday I got an appointment with the midwife cause OB's here tend to book appointments very close together and don't spend much individual time with a person, whereas the midwife does so they offered to meet with me to go over the results a little more indepth.


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## cosmicgirlxxx

:hugs:


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## daopdesign

SatansSprite said:


> daopdesign said:
> 
> 
> SatansSprite I'm kinda the same as you. Haven't really mentioned anything in a week or so to my OH but it's OK because we are both dealing with it as good as can be expected and I'm keeping pos about the future. You really just have to hun. When are you getting your results back? I had a call from a bereavement counsellor yesterday and I was like 'oh god just please stop reminding meeee!!" I told her that I didn't need the services but thanks anyway - I too feel I've had much more support here than anywhere x
> 
> 
> I've got an appointment with the OB on Monday, and I was told the results SHOULD be in by then (might call beforehand and check) then on Tuesday I got an appointment with the midwife cause OB's here tend to book appointments very close together and don't spend much individual time with a person, whereas the midwife does so they offered to meet with me to go over the results a little more indepth.Click to expand...

You're getting them real early, mine could take 6 months. It's a joke the UK FS system :nope: Hope they stop it happening next time, what a shame it's took this for prevention, thinking of you most days hun xxx


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## Neko

:hugs: Hope you get your rainbow baby soon.


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## maythisbelove

Andypanda6570 said:


> :cry::cry: I am so deeply sorry for your loss.I went through almost the same. Except i went to do the Amnio and there was no heartbeat, I was 18 weeks along :cry::cry: I then gave birth to her in my house on my bathroom 3 days later and we buried my Ava on March,11th 2011 :cry::cry: I don't think this pain ever stops . I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 I found out I was pregnant, we were SOoooo shocked we thought we were done. Then to find out it was a girl :cloud9: just was the best news ever. Now Ava was here for a brief moment and now gone forever :cry::cry::cry: It hurts very badly and I miss her more than any words i could type here. If you ever need to talk I am here. I am so sorry :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am sorry to hear about your loss as well hun <3 It's true, children are miracles, whether we know we are trying to happen, or when it just does when you least expect it. But everytime we find out we are, something inside us changes. Ava and every other angel out there, are looking down upon us, safe and happy, watching over us everyday. :hugs:


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## maythisbelove

SarahJane said:


> jessie_m said:
> 
> 
> I can't even imagine what pain you went through and still go through. Everything happens for a reason, and your LO is going to be up there watching down on you and your future LO. Fingers crossed for your BFP!!!
> 
> 
> Apologies to OP for my comments here but I cannot leave this thread without replying to this comment as it hurt me to read it.
> 
> Jessie_m - if "everything happens for a reason" could you please give me the reason why my baby died at 23 weeks and I had a 8 hour labour to deliver her? I am not sure if you have ever suffered a 2nd tri loss and in my heart I hope you never have to feel that pain but if you ever do you will understand why that comment hurts so much.Click to expand...

I have heard this phrase over and over, but i can kind of understand where this poster was coming from. The term could having meaning in a different way for everyone. What if she was sick? If she was, I wouldn't of loved her any less. What if HE thinks i wasn't ready? If I'm not ready, then I'll try my damnest to be prepared. Maybe this, Maybe that. You and I will never know why these angels never made it into our arms alive, or even after they do, why they leave before we ever imagined them to. Yes, we wanted these babies. Parents never want to outlive their children. Have their life taken away. We don't love them or miss them any less. We may never know the reason :cry: Their safe and happy, healthy now.


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## maythisbelove

SatansSprite said:


> I had 2 people say that "Everything happens for a reason" line to me too just yesterday. My aunt, and nurse in my docs office. It definitely wasn't something I felt comforted by AT ALL.
> 
> To the OP: I am very sorry for your loss, mine was just a little under 2 weeks ago and it still hurts. I'm still dealing with doctors appointments for it, and every appointment just brings more of the hurt back. I can't even talk to the OH about it, he feels that talking about it is what's making me having a harder time dealing, so all I have is the wonderful ladies on here.

SO and I talked about it for the first few days, then i felt alone. I am sorry for your loss well love. :hugs:


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## evasmum

I'm so sorry :cry:


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