# TTC 3 years and counting.



## tamithomas

Well, it has officially been 3 years.. well it will be this month, and still no baby. When DH and I first started trying, we knew no one who was pregnant or even TTC. The only person whom we knew that was pregnant was his best friend's wife whom we were excited for beyond words can say! Then 2010 came around, I dunno about you ladies but boy I had never seen such a baby boom in my life. Pregnancy after pregnancy came flooding into our lives and in the celebrity realm, at the time we were genuinely happy for them as we thought it was our turn soon. 

2011 comes on by, still getting announcements after announcements but by this time, the "congratulations" were starting to be sarcastic but still hopeful. Then the summer of 2011 is the straw that broke the camels back where I officially started becoming the bitter person towards pregnancy that I didn't want to become. I found out my SIL became pregnant out of a scheme to keep my step-brother around by making a child which evidently worked. She has stopped taking her pill without him knowing so no birth control for only 2 months and she fell PG with ease. That's when my official anger towards pregnancy announcements in general began because how could a woman living with my step brother who still lived with my mom and step dad, had basically no income because my step brother was the only one with a part time job barely making 200 a week. Both major potheads, smokers, energy drink abusers galore and the occasional extremely illegal drugs. How could they get blessed with a child meanwhile my DH and I have a perfect marriage, managed to get ourselves a house, balanced cheque books the whole 9 yards and still an empty cradle. The hardest part was going to meet their son and my step brother saying to me "so when are you gonna make one of these" i felt like in a tv show where you're imagining a scenario in your head of bashing their heads in but in reality you are being polite. Told him "if it happens it happens, i'm not in a rush" which was total bull, we had been trying before anyone started popping up with their "oops" pregnancies.

Every pregnancy is a blessing, don't get me wrong. I let myself go through the 5 stages of grieving each time I now get news of someones pregnancy and have found a coping mechanism that works well for me. Even after it being our 3rd year starting this month, I somehow have managed not to lose all hope. My DH is the reason I have not fallen into a deep depression over it. Yes I do cry myself to sleep a lot, yes I do get pissed at my tv screen if there is a deep moment between parent and child. But since we have a very open marriage where I can basically use him as my emotional punching bag sorta speak by letting my feelings out verbally at him, I am able to stay sane. 

I'm not gonna sugar coat it and say it will happen for everyone and that it's meant to happen for everyone when I know it's not true, but what I can say is throw a pity party, buy a punching bag, do something that makes you relieve stress (nothing that puts other people in harms way) find a coping mechanism and let yourself go through the grieving process. You have a RIGHT to feel pissed, a dream of yours is being withheld from you and you need to let that anger and frustration out. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not aloud to feel like shit, just feel it in a moderate way that keeps everyone safe. Once you find that way to let the anger and emotions out, it will feel better. Not saying it's gonna completely heal, that's impossible that hole is gonna be there as long as that dream is not fulfilled but it will relieve some of the pressure and make it easier along the way through the journey. 

My DH and I as usual will keep on trying, keeping our fingers crossed. Thanks for listening, have a good one everybody!


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## StephieB

Brilliant post :thumbup::flower:


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## Feisty Fidget

Thank you hun so much for this post :flowers:

I had a pity post on fb about finding it hard to go on when our dream is being witheld but finding it even more difficult to give up when its all we've ever wanted. Most of the responses were sympathetic, but one of my close friends stated that good things come to those who wait. The only reason I didn't put a snarky response is that she had a very traumatic still birth a few years ago so I figured if she could go through hell and have that ethos then maybe I should to :)

I would never wish infertility on anyone but I do genuinely think that I will get there eventually and our struggles WILL make us better parents!

Much love to everyone xxx


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## tamithomas

Feisty Fidget said:


> Thank you hun so much for this post :flowers:
> 
> I had a pity post on fb about finding it hard to go on when our dream is being witheld but finding it even more difficult to give up when its all we've ever wanted. Most of the responses were sympathetic, but one of my close friends stated that good things come to those who wait. The only reason I didn't put a snarky response is that she had a very traumatic still birth a few years ago so I figured if she could go through hell and have that ethos then maybe I should to :)
> 
> I would never wish infertility on anyone but I do genuinely think that I will get there eventually and our struggles WILL make us better parents!
> 
> Much love to everyone xxx

I commend you for not sending a snarky response considering she understands where you are coming from and vice versa. But keep in mind, yes it's awesome that she is able to have such a high hope mentality doesn't mean you are obligated to as well. But if you do, my hat goes off to you :) just sayin', if you feel like shit and not as optomistic, you are free to do so, it's your choice. Like I once heard on the show Reba "Doesn't matter how big the other persons problems are, yours still count no matter how big or small " sending babydust! xoxoxoxox


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## Feisty Fidget

Thank you - I know I put way too much pressure on myself sometimes. I think we can all learn something from you :flower:


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## hopefull85

its beens 5 years for me and everything in your post i feel the same way. especially about couples getting pregnant when they know they cant afford them thinking everyone will help them. just the other day my "best friend" who just recently had to have one ovary and a fallopian tube taken out seems to think that waking up with a headache means pregnancy and is like "oh i dont know" when i tell her well maybe its because you stayed up til like 5 am and got up 4 hours later oh and maybe you feel nausea because you havent ate anything at all today hmm i dont know maybe thats why. but then again im the one that is selfish because of the things i say and do. well then dont be stupid. lol sorry had to have a little vent there 
**baby dust to you**


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## rosebud_01_99

hi,
well i crossed into the bitter territory a long time ago, i was ttc for so long but i still stayed a little bit positive until i got a bpf during a ivf and then to my utter shock had a miscarriage,my attitude changed overnight, i changed into a bitter , hard and vunerable woman, i take no joy in others little ones any more and hate pg announcements, and even hate hearing of marriages ect coz i know what i will hear next. i loath summer time as school hols are on and the little brats next door are out screaming and shouting and making me feel like i live in a playground, 

i hate going for more treatment as i get my hopes up only to be dashed and feel stupid and vunerable again, but its so tough to stop treatment as my dh dosnt want to give up yet. it definatly gets no easier as the years go on and now im at the stage that babies who were born the yr i got married are having babies now.. how crap does that make me feel. 

IF has turned me into a hardened and bitter woman but im that way to protect my heart and soul as the alternative is to be a trembling crying wreck .

rosebud


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## Faithlovehope

My heart goes out to you rosebud. I hate that everyone I know seems to be falling pregnant my friend found out she was five months gone completely out of the blue shed split from her partner but sees it as a good way to get a flat I can't believe her it makes me so angry! I would do anything for a child I had a Mmc at 13 weeks an my arms long to hold my baby x


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## sjbno1

Just wanted to give you all a big :hugs: I know i have a little girl but wanted to say I completely understand where your all coming from, i had these same feelings before i got pregnant, I remember walking around a shopping centre and just crying because of the amount of pregnant girls - silly maybe but it just felt like it was all to much and I know that maybe i shouldnt have them again as i have a little one - I still seem to be having that same feeling now when i think i may never have another :( its a horrible feeling and hearing people just getting a BFP by blinking at there OH's its just a kick in the gut :(

Wishing and sending as much :babydust: as i can summon up (hope i'm not posting out of line) x


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## tamithomas

sjbno1 said:


> Just wanted to give you all a big :hugs: I know i have a little girl but wanted to say I completely understand where your all coming from, i had these same feelings before i got pregnant, I remember walking around a shopping centre and just crying because of the amount of pregnant girls - silly maybe but it just felt like it was all to much and I know that maybe i shouldnt have them again as i have a little one - I still seem to be having that same feeling now when i think i may never have another :( its a horrible feeling and hearing people just getting a BFP by blinking at there OH's its just a kick in the gut :(
> 
> Wishing and sending as much :babydust: as i can summon up (hope i'm not posting out of line) x

you are not out of line at all. Congrats on the little girl :) I totally get what you mean by kick in the gutt when people get BFP in a blink of an eye, my cousin as well as a friend of mine took them not even 4 months to get pregnant right after giving birth to their first. Both of them got BFP accidently the first time. My cousin I've pretty much cut ties with her because she's one of these "look at me, i'm so much better then everyone else for being a mother look at my kid" type of attitude which i can't stand and i've always have that stance waaay before TTC, it's always been a pet peeve of mine. Same goes for the "friend", she was the type where the kid sneezed and it had to be a facebook update or a picture of the boogers type of thing lol. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my post, even if you've already had one I'm still sending babydust all around :)


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## tamithomas

I feel for you Rosebud, hang in there. It's human nature to protect yourself, just so long as you know how to relieve the stress and the pain because it's like a bottle of champagne, it's gonna blow eventually if you don't relieve the pressure. I avoid talking to any of my family members because all that i hear from them right now is about my now step-nephew and it's heart breaking to hear my mom call herself a grandmother because I am an only child and she's basically leeching off of her fiance's son's son to consider herself a grand mother and it's a serious kick to the stomach, had me in tears first time i heard her saying she was a g-ma because I felt like I let her down. I know she didn't do it out of malace but it still hurts. I had planned a visit to see my mom 2 months in advance and when I planned it my SIL was 38 weeks therefore I thought I would have dodged the whole birthing and celebration, sure enough the kid decided it'd be born 2 days before I arrive from my visit so guess what all I heard about for the weekend I visited? Keep in mind, it's a 6 hour drive to get to my mom's place, it felt like all I drove down there for was to hear about something that I didn't wanna hear a word about. It was the constant passing around of the pictures, the woman talking about baby stuff ect. Was a waste of a visit and a couple of hundred dollars that it takes to visit if you ask me. Sorry I went off on a mini rant lol. sending you many hugs


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## Feisty Fidget

It is so refreshing to hear other women admit to this roiling boil of resentment that we all seem to share when it comes to pregnancy related things.

Society makes us feel like bad people because we can't share the 'wondrous joy' of new arrivals. I too have cut ties with family as was sick and fed up of hearing about pregnancy announcements from people that don't deserve their children in the first place or hearing 'it will happen for you too'. How do they know this? Do they have proof that I am destined to be a Mother to a living child?

I finally quit hiding my bitterness about our struggle to one family member who so shocked she demanded that I get counselling as she was sure it was triggered from our latest loss (way to make me feel better!) I kept telling her no, she kept on so in the end I stated why would I want to sit down and talk to someone who has no idea of what it is like to have multiple losses and to be patronised with the recycled crap that I get from everyone of it will happen. Strangely I haven't heard from them since ;) This same person had an ectopic between her second and third child and believes that she understands to some extent what I am going through. I'm sorry but I don't pretend to understand to know what it is like to be a parent so why would somebody claim to understand what it is like to lose two babies and be childless.

Sorry lovelies I too have seemed to turn this into a personal rant fest. Sending you all much love and sticky :dust:

PS I am finding distraction techniques work amazingly well! Am forcing myself to go out with friends that don't have/want children (if you don't have any join a class/group and try and make some) and I have turned my hand to crafting which seems to help no end :)


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## Moorebetter

Im so glad, im not the only person out here that feels this way.


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## Moorebetter

I finally quit hiding my bitterness about our struggle to one family member who........ 
turned around and hid another family members pregnancy from me (altho everyone else knew including my husband) because they were all scared of the monster. (me) and how mad I would be. 

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Since then I have started talking to a social worker who is kinda like a therapist and I love her! She understands that just because Im upset about the struggle doesnt mean I am mad. I am hurting for me, because its a tough thing. She, unlike the whole damn fucking family understands I just need someone to vent to and someone that will not judge. 

I love her and am going to see her tomorrow so she can get me past my new cycle after my HSG. hahahaha poor lady has no idea what shes in for!! And now on top of me being hurt my DH is taking it finally just as hard as me. we are both pissed at the fact that we have not yet been blessed, we know are time is coming but really?!?!?!?!? 2 years and not even a faint line. sounds like some BS to me! 


that felt great!


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## sjbno1

awww girlies wanted to send you all big :hugs: i guess at least we all know we're normal :hugs: lol 

I have found I now lie by saying nah we havent really been trying very hard or nah we dont dtd enough - its utter crap - we seem to always be at it and still nothing :( i have a very close family but feel like i'm failing by not having anymore kids :( gosh that was woe is me :wacko:


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## tamithomas

Feisty Fidget said:


> I'm sorry but I don't pretend to understand to know what it is like to be a parent so why would somebody claim to understand what it is like to lose two babies and be childless.

Omg girl you could not be any more right! It's a little annoying when they try to act what it's like to be childless. The most annoying are the ones that try to give advice meanwhile they got 5 running around in their house lol. 

For me, this is just my personal experience it's probably different with others, I don't bother telling people about my TTC as I feel it's a very personal journey and I like to keep my personal stuff private. 

Moorebetter: That is such great news that you found a social worker that understands! Feels good to talk to someone who understands eh? I consider my DH as my social worker sorta speak haha. Totally feel you with the family not understand, but just so long as you have at least one person who understand, just one.. it can make the biggest difference in the world from feeling alone and scared to comfortable and understood. There is nothing worse than going through a rough time alone, I'm so proud of you for seeking any form of help. :hugs:

sjbno1: I can understand as to why you lie because we all know what's gonna follow as a conversation after you mention it, it's gonna be the "pillow under the hips, adoption, just relax" ect and your brain is reacting out of habbit now to just say screw it, let's skip to awkward 10000th time conversation over the same topic and just try to skip over it. We all understand that feeling honey. You have every right to the "woe is me" feeling, just remember there are many of us out there who feel the same and you are welcome to this post anytime to vent :)

Sending Babydust to everyone! xox


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## sjbno1

Thankfully just a few ppl know about us ttc #2 my best friend and a couple of close people so I don't lie to often :) 

I hate the fake understanding that ppl seem to want to give! It's defo a bug bear of mine! I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a baby/child :hugs: x


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