# It hurts so much



## Desi's_lost

I know a lot of ladies here might not know my whole story. It's long and depressing but the basic is I'm pregnant with a second, OH, LO and I had just moved and he just got a job so we were living on nothing at his dads. His dad is...well he isn't the type of person most of us are used to. Think maybe the stereotypical off the boat Asian parent but with less of a focus on education but still that stereotypically cold to the children. He agreed to LO living with us (him) but within a few weeks said he wanted me and her gone. It's really really expensive out here so we made the really painful decision to have LO live with my mom in Connecticut while we stay in Long Island (New York) and work to save up money. Rent is literally $1200-1300 for a one bedroom and OH only pulls in $2000 a month. Car insurance, electric bill, gas, my credit debt...we'd be penny to penny if we're lucky! 

Work is really easy to find out here, I got the first job I inquired about. So far I work 9 hours a day, 5-7 days a week. It's great money but neither OH nor I's hours work around daycare. So even if we pleaded with FIL, this is the best long term. 

But it hurts so so bad. It's like my heart is torn out. I get by by trying my best to forget while I'm away from her. I ask about her a few times each day but I can't look at pictures. I get to come back for a weekend every other weekend but even being here hurts so bad. She's sleeping on me and all I can think is how much I'll miss her in a few hours. Cos that's what it is. Less than 24 hours before I leave again. 

I want a pack of cigarettes so bad. But I can't cos I'm pregnant. 

I wish I could win the lottery. Or get in an accident where I get a big settlement or something. 

Work keeps me real busy.. But still. Mornings and nights. I just cry alone cos I don't want oh to see how much I hurt. 

Bleh. I hate this country.


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## xforuiholdonx

Im so sorry :(


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## mayb_baby

How long will it take until you get your daughter back to live with you?


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## Desi's_lost

All according to plan, I want to move out just before Christmas. Get the apartment set up, head home for Christmas, then take Syri back with us to the apartment. 

Assuming I can keep 40hrs a week, we should have 4-5 grand saved up. My ex keeps promising to pay me back all the money i lent him which should be about $800-1,000. 

I still have to sort out insurance :/ whether I want to try my luck with Medicaid or if I wanna try my luck with doing a court house wedding with OH so I can be covered under his insurance which will have co-pays. 

I can't really say this to OH cos he'll take it the wrong way but honestly, if I didn't have him and the boys at work, I don't think I'd actually be able to make it work. It's funny cos I grew up almost racist towards Hispanic immigrants and now I work with almost exclusively them and they make every day at work so much easier. Between the one driver who speaks shit English but is always trying to ask me questions or help me out however he can and the pizza guy who always listens to me complain about everything imaginable to my random stories and goes out of his way to make me smile or hand me a few dollars in tips he could have easily kept..he's the only one at work that knows I'm expecting. I'm just really thankful for them.


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## mayb_baby

Why can't you say any of this to your OH surely he want's your daughter to be with you and will want to help you all be together, I wouldn't even consider marriage if you cannot talk to him about your financial future together.
Sorry it's all so shit and I can't imagine what it's like not living with your baby.


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## Desi's_lost

Ah no, the part about the boys at work. Cos he'd prolly be a bit jealous. 

We've already agreed on when we're moving out and how much we're putting away.


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## Rhio92

:hugs:


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## vermeil

Awwww *hugs* what a crummy situation... Hopefully time will fly by and you'll be with your daughter again.

I love the usa for some things but i wish i could whisk you up here to a year of paid mat leave and 7$/day public daycare... Grr makes me angry to see what my friends in the us have to put up with just for basic necessities


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## Desi's_lost

After a ridiculous amount of prying, OH came to CT with me. We drove down Friday night. Got in a bit after midnight and my sister was sleeping with the baby. Part of me smiled cos it was so cute and part of my was heart broken because my sister is in my spot. 

They looked so peaceful together. I'm not sure if I should have come after all :/


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## Desi's_lost

And even though he was an ass from start to finish, it was awesome to see him smile and hug Syri at 3am cos that's when she woke up and realized we were there. 
I just feel so much better for the first time in a long time. My whole family together. No one left behind.


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## aqualung

Feel better, Desi. :( 
You will survive & be ok!!! :-D

Have you considered adoption? 
Once baby #2 arrives, maternity leave will reduce your income to just FOB's $2k/month (insufficient for a family of 4 in EXPENSIVE Long Island). After maternity leave ends, you will need childcare for 2 babies while you and FOB work work work.
--Daycare for 2 kids is expensive (esp'ly if a newborn is included).
--That strict Asian FIL does NOT sound helpful/nice with babies. He is already overwhelmed with just 1 baby. :-/
--Your mom in CT might be overwhelmed caring for 2 babies while you and FOB work multiple jobs.

Does the Obamacare health bill create more health insurance options for your family? Check it out, maybe.


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## Desi's_lost

Adoption is no choice. It has to work some way and it will. I'm not so sure about Obama care. But it doesn't actually exist yet in practice and by the time it does, I can get on OH's insurance for prolly the same price if not less. Cos it would only be co-pays. 

I'm pretty positive this is going to be the last time we get to come down until we're bringing her back :/ it really sucks.


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## kareha

I feel for you and your situation, but you shouldn't ever wish that you were in a accident just for the money, especially because you have two LOs dependent on you. There's a thing called child-care assistance, you should be able to find it on your states website, probably where you find info on medicaid. Even if you think you make too much money, it's worth a try to at least get cheaper childcare from a provider of your choice.

Good luck on congrats on number 2.


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## Srrme

I am sorry. I couldn't imagine ever being away from my children for that long.

Have you looked into any jobs you could do at home? Babysitting perhaps? I know there's some call centers that allow you to work from home, and there has to be other things too. Or perhaps you can work at a daycare (I've known a lot of women who have worked at day care and were able to take their own children there for free while they work).


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## MissQuirky

I'm sorry :( I'm in a similar situation money wise where we live. The area of California we live in is just really expensive, $1600 is the cheapest two bedroom we've been able to find, and if my in laws hadn't agreed to let us rent their condo, we'd be paying $1300 to $1400 for a one bedroom. 

We have been making it work the last year though, but it is really hard. Especially when you are above making X amount so you don't qualify for any sort of aid, even if cost of living is really high. We've just cut down on a lot of things and scrape by every month. 

I was lucky enough to find a job that worked around my schedule with my LO though.


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## Desi's_lost

I should update and say I'm home now. I made a thread in GS when it became likely I'd be going home but didnt post anything specific here. My parents decided they feel like being helpful so found me a possible job, I'll find out today or this weekend if I got it, and that they'll help us until we can get a place out here. My grandparents usually go to flordia for a few months in the winter and leave their house empty so I'm hoping maybe they'll let us rent for cheap while they are gone to buy us some more time while not being stuck in my moms over crowded house but we'll see. 
OH is still in NY which I'm having trouble with thanks to all the bad experiences I've had but he's coming down for thanksgiving then ill be going up there for a weekend cos he has an office Christmas party. Then he's going to be moving back down here for good right before Christmas.


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## mayb_baby

At least your back with your baby


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## Blackndrose

I'm so sorry. I don't think I'd be as strong as you are right now. I can't imagine ever living apart from my LO. Keep strong for her though. <3 :hugs:


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## justhoping

hey im not far from you, if you need it things are out there for you..go to social services and since ur not married and have little money and pregnant you would qualify...thAT is what its there for hun..
get wic, get Medicaid, and get child day care....your not abusing it, your using it to help you get to where your going...and they do pay for child daycare and will love the fact ur working...u must only claim u and LO right now..
and it wont effect anything when you do get married and want to go on his insurance. Once you get on Medicaid cuts off itself :)...

search this out, this way you will be able to be with your daughter....xx

ps there is something called rispis, (sp) its where you put the baby in very caring hands while you get on ur feet, its not the yucky foster care system so dont be scared, with this mother hand there children over to get them back. once on your feet you do get them back and you have every say in your child with what goes on and your still in there life, it just helps you so you can provide for you and your child xx...
if you want to know about it call ...The Jewish board. You dont have to be Jewish but they an organization in NY that helps families like yours get on there feet.


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## justhoping

Desi's_lost said:


> I should update and say I'm home now. I made a thread in GS when it became likely I'd be going home but didnt post anything specific here. My parents decided they feel like being helpful so found me a possible job, I'll find out today or this weekend if I got it, and that they'll help us until we can get a place out here. My grandparents usually go to flordia for a few months in the winter and leave their house empty so I'm hoping maybe they'll let us rent for cheap while they are gone to buy us some more time while not being stuck in my moms over crowded house but we'll see.
> OH is still in NY which I'm having trouble with thanks to all the bad experiences I've had but he's coming down for thanksgiving then ill be going up there for a weekend cos he has an office Christmas party. Then he's going to be moving back down here for good right before Christmas.

i didnt see this im sorry.

im happy you got the back up you need..:hugs:


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