# Things TO say to a Premmie Mum



## Foogirl

This question was asked by someone commenting on FB and I thought it would make a good topic. (Forgive me if it's been done before)

We are all very clear on what folk shouldn't say. But what do we think they should say?


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## Lottie86

Personally I'd have loved a simple "Congratulations" and for people to have sent cards like they would to anyone else who'd had a baby. 

Basically I'd love it if people were sensitive to the situation we're in but still treated us like they would any other Mum who's just had a new baby as at the end of the day no matter when you give birth or what the outcome is you've still had a baby.


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## elsielouise

I got SOOOOOOOOOOO fed up with the 'isnt he small?' stuff but when my mum and dad saw him for the first time my mum said, 'He is SO much bigger than I thought he would be and he looks so well' I knew we'd be OK.

And two years on - you'd never know.

What I appreciated most was comments that reflected the fact that despite prematurity and a degree of SGA he was just a 'normal' baby. For me, 'normal' was the best I could ever hear at that time. 

ETA @ Lottie86 - your journal is incredible and your son gorgeous. I am sure his little sister is just as cute and your strength is helping her as it did/does Findlay


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## cowboys angel

I agree that a simple 'congratulations' is probably all most of us want. 

I love hearing 'Oh she's getting so big!' 'She's so beautiful!' and like comments.


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## lozzy21

I love it when people tell me how clever and sociable she is.


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## kyliemum2

I've done a post on this as well, but I think "Congratulations" is a good start. I think in the early days you think "yeah really?" but in retrospect your thankful for all those who believed in you and your baby.

I think "isn't your baby beautiful" is a great thing to say. I hated when people said "isn't he tiny" I felt like saying "yeah I know" - Vicky Pollard style.


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## PrincessPea

'Congratulations' is probably a good start and as Lottie says, just to be treated as any normal couple who have just had a baby. When we had J we found that half our friends and family did say 'congratulations' but the other half said 'sorry to hear that'! 

And again just in agreement with the others, its great when people say, oh isnt she getting big, isnt she doing well, these kind of comments are always welcome.

xx


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## lynne192

your baby is beautiful and damn like you he's a fighter.... i was alone with my premmie and it was hell but my son was great he's still tiny for his age and was still size of newborn at 6months and size of 6month old at 12months so got my tiny baby for longer :D


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## Scottiemum

Hi Foogirl....unlike the rest of you I found it quite hard when people said "congratulations" as I felt "why is it a good thing she came early". We were in complete shock and then found out there were complications but over time this feeling eased! I just loved it too when people said "she is bigger than I thought" or "she is so bright" that really helped. One of my husbands friends said "she is the smallest baby in the world"....not recommended!!! To us she was massive gettng home (4lb 3oz) but looking back now she must have been tiny to others seeing her for the first time.


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## Foogirl

Scottiemum said:


> Hi Foogirl....unlike the rest of you I found it quite hard when people said "congratulations" as I felt "why is it a good thing she came early". We were in complete shock and then found out there were complications but over time this feeling eased! I just loved it too when people said "she is bigger than I thought" or "she is so bright" that really helped. One of my husbands friends said "she is the smallest baby in the world"....not recommended!!! To us she was massive gettng home (4lb 3oz) but looking back now she must have been tiny to others seeing her for the first time.

You're not the only one to feel that way. I've had a few preemie mums say the same thing about congratulations. I think what TO say definitely depends on the person. far more than what NOT to say!:hugs:


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## inperfected

For me things like his eyes are so big, he's gorgeous, isn't he lovely, he's holding his tube, etc are things people have said that have been lovely, and people asking about how I am going/he's going/hubbys going and if theres anything we want or need. 

That and not expecting to visit, have a response if they comment on facebook etc.


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## cowboys angel

Good luck!


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## vermeil

I agree the best thing to say is simple compliments. The first few weeks were REALLY rough and what I really appreciated was people to respect our wish to NOT be contacted at all. We were in full survival / grief mode (he was not doing well at all) and even telling my mother news ONCE a day I found really difficult. Then she would inform anyone who contacted her. Having just one contact to the outside world so to speak was a huge help for me.


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## proudmumgoth

I dont mind what people say just dont say OMG SHE IS SO SMALL WELL THANKS SHE WAS 5 DAM WEEKS EARLY


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## EmSmith1980

I would have loved people to have said congratulations, and to send me "congratulations it's a girl" cards. Nobody did apart from my sis and mum. :'( I asked one of my husbands family why they hadn't sent a card, her reply was "well we were just going to wait and see what happened". I felt like she didn't want to waste money on a card in case Anya didn't make it. :'( xx


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## AP

You know what annoyed me?

"I can't wait to get a cuddle"

Neither can I, but i have to, now naff off


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## proudmumgoth

EmSmith1980 said:


> I would have loved people to have said congratulations, and to send me "congratulations it's a girl" cards. Nobody did apart from my sis and mum. :'( I asked one of my husbands family why they hadn't sent a card, her reply was "well we were just going to wait and see what happened". I felt like she didn't want to waste money on a card in case Anya didn't make it. :'( xx

Not being rude but What a fucking horrid thing to say shame on him or her how dare they Show some dam suport people being a primie mum is not easy


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## Crunchie

I hate ... And still hate ... When people say - you should not be hear yet ..... My mil states it nearly everyday !!! I know ...


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## cowboys angel

That bothers me too.... It's like 'I know he/she's not supposed to be here yet.....don't you think I already feel awful about it??'


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## proudmumgoth

cowboys angel said:


> That bothers me too.... It's like 'I know he/she's not supposed to be here yet.....don't you think I already feel awful about it??'

dont get me started Danni was 5 weeks early I Get FIVE MORE WEEKS WITH HER DAM IT LOOK ON THE BRIGT SIDE . .. Yes she is small you would be to But she eats she breaths and poops so what is the huge problem ?


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## AP

Probably partly my fault, but the what *not* to say to a preemie mum thread is here

https://www.babyandbump.com/prematu...not-say-premmie-mummy-share-your-stories.html


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## Marleysgirl

I''m another person who thinks "Congratulations" is one of the best things to say, that's what I always suggest to other people who ask me. So what if he was born early? He was born :happydance:


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## mylittlebud1

I think, in general, i liked it when people acknowledged the fact i'd had a baby and asked me questions like 'congratulations, how's she doing etc. it was worse when people avoided you cos they didnt have a clue what to say


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