# Heartbroken



## jinxii

It took us fifteen years to conceive Saffron Rose. My water broke first thing in the morning one day before 19 weeks. I knew I lost her.... but the worst part was when I got to the hospital she had a heartbeat and looked perfectly fine, just couldn't develop any further. So I had to make the awful choice to remove her surgically or do labor and deliver her myself before infection set in. I chose labor because surgically, they would take her apart. She was beautiful. My husband was in shock and kept saying she looked so much like me. Now I'm completely broken with no idea how to come out of this. It would help if there was a reason but they couldn't find one and she was perfect.


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## 6lilpigs

Just wanted to send massive hugs to you both, this is such sad news xxxxxx


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## Boozlebub

I am so sorry for your loss. X


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## sophxx

I'm so sorry for your loss


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## Left wonderin

Heartbroken with you xxxx I'm sorry .


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## jinxii

I had to go sign paperwork for cremation today and pick out her urn. It was awful... I still haven't eaten since the night before I went into the hospital and my husband keeps trying to force me too. He doesn't understand that I'm just not hungry.


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## LDC

I'm so sorry for your loss of Saffron, there are no words and no actions that are going to make the rain stop falling at the moment. Please be kind to yourself, it's all so raw and new and I have no doubt that you're about to experience a whole range of emotions over the next few days, weeks and months. My advice is to roll with them, don't try and fight them. Are you getting any support from the hospital? Please try and access as much support as possible, it helped me massively to be supported by people who were going through things at the same time as me but also those further along in their grief who could show me that although I would never forget, the darkness would lift slowly. And I promise you it does, but it takes a hell of a long time and those emotions will still come and bite you on the bum when you least expect it. 

Be kind to yourself, and try and eat a little. On top of the emotional grief, you need to make sure that you're physically capable too, little and often helped me. Your body has been through a lot and needs the energy and strength to support you emotionally 

Xx


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## chistiana

I am so sorry for your loss, my hear breaks for you and your dh. I hope you can find comfort in each other. RIP sweet angel


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## Willow01

Jinxii I am so sorry for your loss, at the moment you must just be in a whirlwind of loss and denial, no words can express or explain what happened or why but damn to the world for it happening. Bless your wee girl, and your family. She is in the arms of loved ones until you can be with her again. Let your husband take care of you, you waited so long for this and both your hearts must be absolutely broken, I hope you are starting to find a little bit of strength just now and as pp said looking to the doctors for support in this difficult time. Remember to start to eat and take care of yourself too. No words can make this better but just know that there are people out there thinking of you and sending you lots of love as I am tonightxx


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## xxmyheartxx

I'm so sorry for your loss :hugs: xxx


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## jinxii

Thanks everyone. This is absolutely killing me. It feels like I've lost all my hopes and dreams for the future as well as a huge part of myself. And the amount of stupid things people say is crazy. My brother compared it to his baby chicks dying. And everyone keeps asking if we're trying again. My daughter died less than a week ago. I have no idea if we're trying again. I can't take this twice! I'm trying to get back to normal for husbands sake, but right now I don't think I ever will.


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## Left wonderin

Jinxi unless you have been there it is so difficult to truley understand the loss of a LO . I don't think people mean to be insensitive or cruel but they just don't think or realise what they are saying . Its so hard to deal with . You have suffered an enormous loss , a life changing event . It is so important to take the time to grieve the loss of your daughter whatever way you need to for however long it takes . This is not something you just " get over " or move on from . What I can promise is it does get better over time ...... Not today or tommrow but one day in the future you will notice that there is the " odd" good day where you actually manage a real smile . Before long the good days start to outnumber the bad . That was my experience anyhow but it takes time . For now take every hour as it comes and do what YOU need to get through that hour . It will vary !!! 
Hang in there , your daughter will always be with you and a part of your life xxxxxx


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## LDC

People often say things because they think in some strange way they're doing the right thing or helping you, when in actual fact they're speaking out of their ass. You have to ignore people, honestly sometimes it's the only way. I had a lot of crap spouted at me after losing ds, things like "it obviously wasn't meant to be" and "sometimes things don't work out", even now they think a new baby will replace ds and make me forget.

You are never, ever going to forget Saffron and neither should you. She was your beautiful much wanted baby. She is yours, and sometimes when people haven't been through it, they can't connect not seeing a baby not meaning that there never was one. People don't understand the grief and the connections we make with our baby from conception, we carry them and our love is instantaneous.

Please be kind to yourself, focus on your grief in whatever way helps and there is no rush to think about having another baby. That decision is completely yours. I would encourage you to just not keep anything bottled up and deal with whatever emotion the day throws at you.

Please message me if you ever want to chat xxx


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## Wriggley

I'm so sorry for your loss Hun you are in my thoughts xxx :hugs:


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## chistiana

I agree with the other ladies hun, even my husband, after we lost our third said "why are you so upset, we have the other 2".. I could easily divorce him..people just can't realize the amount of grief..they don't mean bad I can assure you..don't try to be ok just for hubby, hubby can probably take more than you right now even though his heart is broken too, talk to him, you need your time to grieve, feeling like you HAVE to move on just adds pressure right now..i remember that day I actually gave a true smile..it will come...praying for some peace


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## jinxii

I'm definitely not okay and break down crying at the most random times. So does my husband. He is more okay than I am, but once in a while it hits him. And he has decided he needs to finish remodeling the nursery since it is half done. Just the basics, get the rest of the flooring in, baseboards, etc. I'm not ready to even open the door to that room. The night it happened, he came home to give the dog his medication and grab me some things for my hospital stay. While he was home, he took every baby related item in the house and put it in the nursery and closed the door. 

I did suddenly go from never wanting to try again to wanting it more than anything.. I got in contact with my fertility specialist and he wants me to wait two months before going back on medication. Somehow two months is feeling like forever. I knew I would have to wait a bit but wanted to have a game plan in place. We have wanted a baby for so long... we're not quite ready to give up on the dream. Husband actually seemed to know I would want to do this again before I could even consider it. When I told him I think I want to do this again, he just said "I know". He's the kind of guy who will do absolutely anything to make me happy. I'm worried he is just willing to try again for my sake.


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## ~curiosity~

I am so sorry for your loss Hun. You are stronger than you know, and she will always be your firstborn no matter what xx


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## chistiana

It doesn't matter if he's doing this for your sake..I went from never wanting to try again to being completely obsessed with trying..my husband wanted to take it easy but he understood my need and just went along..we spend our last 6 years going through pregnancies, miscarriages, surgeries and of course having babies..last night he thanked me for my obsession to keep trying :) right now as vain as this might sound it is all about you. How you feel and what you want. Of course it's a decision to take together, don't get me wrong, I don't mean that his feelings or opinion doesn't matter, but you lost your baby girl and I can't imagine anything more difficult so if you feel ready then you should go for it.


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## vermeil

There are no words to express the pain of losing a child... please be gentle on yourself *hugs*


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am so sorry for your loss.. it's devastating .. XO


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## youngmamttc

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the hardest thing in the world to go through. I'm thinking of you and your family xx


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## Tink_

I'm so sorry for your loss. x


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## nickyb

God bless you and your beautiful baby I'm so very sorry xxx


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## xMissxZoiex

So sorry for your loss

I had a similar experience when I lost my little boy Leo, I have a condition called incompetent cervix, if you want to inbox me I can tell you about a fantastic support group for people who have suffered a loss, a fair few of those ladies suffer PPROM or IC they really helped me. Xxx


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## Bevziibubble

I am so sorry for your loss hun :hugs:


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## jinxii

It's been a bit over nine weeks but still feels like it happened yesterday. I finally went to my hairstylist since I desperately needed it and had been avoiding it. I had my husband cancel my last appointment the same week I lost the baby since I was in no shape to go. 

I walked in to the salon and the first thing she says when she sees me and I am obviously not pregnant is "Oh! You had the baby! How is she?". I started crying immediately. I couldn't help it.. stylist was floored.. everyone in there staring at me.. it was awful. I managed to stop and get my hair done. Fastest highlights, cut, and style I've ever had! 

I just started progesterone again to get my periods on track (PCOS) and have the fertility meds as well.. but still can't decide. I think I'll just decide on the day I'm scheduled to take them.


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## xMissxZoiex

Oh hunny that's just awful :( you've been so strong staying after that :hugs:


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## chistiana

I m so sorry, I can only imagine how painful this comment must have been for you..it's really scary getting into the real world after a loss. So so sorry :(


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## leylak

So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## jinxii

I am so glad I am self employed and work from home. All my communication with my clients is done via email so I've been able to avoid the real world for quite a while. I am amazed that some of you moms can just go back to working shortly after a loss. That is some real strength!!


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