# Omg think I'm seperating with my husband over this



## Flip flop

Ok so my husband and I can't agree on another baby. This has been going on for months and tonight I brought it up again and I said I'm willing to split up the family over it (we already have a 2 year old). Nothing has been finalised but it sounds like that's the only compromise.


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## littlesteph

If you love each other you can make it work with or without another child, he might not be ready for another, some prefer big age gaps, don't spilt over something like that, your 2 year old will one day ask why you spilt.


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## Iveneverseen

Wow Really you are willing to leave your husband and split up your family why?!
If you are willing to go to such dramatic lengths because he doesn't want a baby right now maybe marriage and babies isn't for you. when you get married and have kids it isn't just about you!


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## AJCart

Your first little one is only 2, so you have plenty of time left for another baby. 

Compromise isn't a case of "you won't do what I want so I'm leaving." Compromise is a matter of "I can see that at this point in time you are uncomfortable with another baby. How about we agree to leave it alone for now and revisit the issue in 6 months/a year/2 years."


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## staralfur

AJCart said:


> Your first little one is only 2, so you have plenty of time left for another baby.
> 
> Compromise isn't a case of "you won't do what I want so I'm leaving." Compromise is a matter of "I can see that at this point in time you are uncomfortable with another baby. How about we agree to leave it alone for now and revisit the issue in 6 months/a year/2 years."

Exactly this. Saying you're leaving isn't a compromise at all. 

Please think really hard about the effect a separation/divorce would have on your 2 year old. It is HUGE.


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## tverb84

Did you ask him why he doesn't want another child right now? I think it's a cop out to say you'll leave him because of that. I can understand leaving him if he was abusive to you or your child but I think you're being selfish.


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## Angel_blues

I think you have every right to feel that way. I know I've felt that way before (we have no children yet) and ladies on here would be lying if you ALL said none of you have ever felt this way too. (I'm not saying all of you)

If you need to talk, vent or cry over the internet; I'll be here to listen


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## staralfur

I have to say that I think it's MUCH different in a situation where you haven't had children yet. 

It would take A LOT for me to consider putting my daughter through that. The separate houses, going back and forth, going days without seeing one of her parents, spending holidays away from each other, dealing with step-parents, step-siblings... there are very few things that would make me choose that life for her. It would be an absolute last resort. 

I have always wanted 2 kids, I'm an only child and I hated it growing up. I still hate it now. I would be devastated if my husband told me he didn't want another (and I know he'd be fine with just one and doesn't want another right now). But ultimately, is it worth bringing another child into the world at the expense of the child I already have? I really can't see how. My little one's happiness and stability comes first. I suppose if I felt I couldn't love my husband anymore if he didn't give me another baby then I wouldn't stay with him, but that would make me question how much I loved him in the first place. 

If my husband had said, only 2 years after having our daughter, and after only discussing it for a few months, that he was willing to split our family up over it... I would be livid and extremely hurt.


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## Flip flop

Thatnks all for your comments, but it's not quite a simple as me saying I'm leaving him over it. We have been discussing this for several months and can't seem to come to a decision. He's keeps agreeing that we will have another in the future but never wants to talk about it when I bring it up. Last night I got it out of him that he's pretty sure hell never want another, he did say who knows what he'll want in a few years or so but as I'm 32 that might be too late. I've said to him in the past that I'd deeply regret not having another and may end up resentful. He said that would be no way to live happily. I don't see any other way out for us. I'm trying not to be selfish but I think he is also being selfish.


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## Iveneverseen

I don't think he is selfish for wanting to wait.
It isn't right to tell your husband to have another when he is not ready or you will divorse and take his child away from him.


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## fxmummyduck

Give it time, at least allow him the chance to come round to the idea of another. You need to work at this together, it's not fair of either of you to put the other in a position they're not happy with...one will always end up resentful. But give it a chance.


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## CaliFrog

This is a complicated situation, especially since you already have a little one.

I just turned 32 and we are going to wait at least a year before we try for #1, so I really hope 32 + a few years is not too late to have children. My husband is also 7 years older meaning he will be over 40 when we have children. I am hoping for 2, but we have to see about #1 first. 

I hope you and your husband are able to reach a compromise and stay together.


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## Penguin20

I think you should just give him time maybe he just want to wait and enjoy the one you got instead of rushing into another one,
everyone different when it comes to how long they want to wait for another 
Hope you two can work it out


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## Eleanor ace

I would look into couples counselling, see if you guys can reach a solution with the help of someone who can guide you to talk about this issue without it turning into an ultimatum situation. Perhaps there are things which could be put into place to help your OH feel happier to have another LO- better financial security, your LO being a little older, a stronger marriage. If not and neither of you is willing to compromise and you do choose to separate then it would be good to ave help to keep things civil for your LO's sake


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## cherrylips100

I think you should give him more time. Your daughter is at the probably most difficult age and it might seem overwhelming for him right now. Agree to discuss it again in a few months or a year and in the meantime enjoy your daughter, you still have plenty of time.


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## Flip flop

The thing is he's not saying he wants to wait, he's saying he doesn't think he'll ever want another one.



Iveneverseen said:


> I don't think he is selfish for wanting to wait.
> It isn't right to tell your husband to have another when he is not ready or you will divorse and take his child away from him.


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## aidensxmomma

Sorry for butting in here, but I figured I would share my two cents on the issue.

First and foremost, maybe give it some more time before you decide to separate over it. I know that a lot of men just need time to come around and feel ready for the decision to have a child (or a second child in your case). 

Also, as another poster suggested, maybe seeing a counselor would be a good idea for the two of you. You can get another opinion or even just a trustworthy place for you both to get your feelings out without worrying about it turning into an argument. I would definitely suggest seeing a counselor before deciding to separate.

All that being said, I can see why you would consider leaving your husband over the issue of another child. If it's something you definitely want and you don't have another, there could be resentment on your part which could destroy your relationship. But it's going to take some soul searching from you to decide whether or not you can live your life without another child and whether or not you will harbor resent towards him if he refuses to have one.

So my biggest suggestion for this tough situation that you are in is to give it some time, do a lot of thinking, and go see a counselor to help you both work through it.

I understand what a tough situation you are in and am wishing you all the best. :hugs:


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## CandiceSj

It's definitely a tough situation because you simply can't force a person to accept having another child. It's such a huge decision. It's lifelong and envolves a lot of sacrifices and effort to raise a child. So you knowing you want another, and knowing that there is no compromise to be made about the desire to not have children - it's like you've automatically "lost" this battle. And separating over it when you already have a young child... it also seems like something that you simply can't do. You're in a corner and you either accept that you can only have another if he changes his mind OR you accept what you'll cause for your child if you decided to split up to have your second child with someone else. This is a bit of a lose-lose situation. 

BUT... 

People change their minds. I did. My husband always knew he wanted more kids and I told him many times I thought I was a one-child person but then, when my daughter turned 3, a second child was suddenly "on the table". Now, my son is 3, and a 3rd child is "on the table" (haven't decided though). It took the change of age, and some improvement in our marraige around this time to be able to imagine another child and then want one really badly - and here we are! 

I think that you could have EVERYTHING you want by waiting a little. 2 is still young to want to start over the baby phase. It's not a guarantee, but if it has a chance of happening it's worth it for everyone's sakes I think.


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## Flip flop

Ok so I lve said I don't think we should split up over this and I've agreed I'll not resent him if he keeps an open mind. It's really upsetting though to think I might not be having another baby ever again.


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## Blob

I could totally understand that, although I wouldn't split up with my husband (I don't think) I would find it very very hard to feel like a proper relationship when I resented his obvious refusal to try to talk about it. 
I really would second the thought about counciling, sometimes it takes a stranger to get out what it is that is wrong. It could be just pure stubbornness or he could genuinely be worried about something or that he really doesn't want anymore. But it might be worthwhile. 
Trying or wanting a baby is such a massively emotional time it's no wonder you feel like you do :hugs:


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## littlesteph

I think you need to give him more time,
my hubby said a few months ago that he was happy with just 2, I told him I've always wanted more then that, we left it at that, he now wouldn't mind another but wants to wait a year or 2. fair enough we are 26 and 25 but men broody clock kicks in a lot later then ours.


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## AngelofTroy

So if you split... How would you have your second child? Would you have another on your own with a donor? Or wait until you find the right person... Who might not want children!


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## tverb84

AngelofTroy said:


> So if you split... How would you have your second child? Would you have another on your own with a donor? Or wait until you find the right person... Who might not want children!

Those are some really good points.


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## Kiki1993

I know how upsetting waiting can be, but I will give you my side as I'm similar to your husband. My OH is okay to try now, but I think two steps ahead and even though I want to, I know it isn't the right time. To say you are willing to break up your family is extreme and it will just be coming from desperation for another child, you probably do not actually mean it. Take a breath and remember he will let you know when he is ready. You can't give someone an ultimatum like that, it just isn't fair on either of you. Say he gives in to your demands and then you have another baby ... you will always think "does he want this baby" ... and he may grow to resent you for forcing his hand etc. Not to mention your marriage can't be very strong if you are willing to break up with him over this just so you can go get another guys sperm... maybe work on that BEFORE trying for another child. Furthermore think about what the split would do to your actual child that is here... and how he/she will feel when he/she finds out the reason you split was so you could have another child.. basically saying "you weren't good enough for me" .... 
sorry to come off rude but I can't tell if you are trolling or serious.


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## Iveneverseen

I agree with Kiki.

Sorry op if it sounds harsh, But i am shocked that someone would leave the person they promised to spend their life with and one person they are supposed to love more than anything, and split up a family have your child without their daddy for such a reason. i think you really need to sort your head and priories out.

Plus if you husband wants to wait why can't you? it is very damaging what you would do ie either force your husband to have a baby or split up your family. i think you need to sort yourself out because this is not healthy for any of you.


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## CaliFrog

Kiki1993 and Iveneverseen, I agree with what you both say, but FlipFlop tried to emphasize that her husband has now said that he will NEVER want another child.

FlipFlop as you also said, he may change his mind as who knows what he wants in a few years. Maybe he felt/feels very pressured to pick a date, so he said "never" that way the discussion would be over (at least in his opinion).

As others have said you need to talk, with or without a mediator/ counselor. Maybe you should both reflect why you are together. Correct me if I am wrong, but I doubt you and your husband married solely for the purpose of having children.


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## Iveneverseen

I personally couldn't break up my family and a marriage for that reason.
do you not talk about these things before marriage?

You will both need some help, i honestly can't get breaking up a family for that reason.


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## LockandKey

OP, you've mentioned that you have been talking about it for months, maybe now it's time to stop that talk for a while. I'm not the one in the situation, but personally if someone had come to me day and night with the exact same subject for months, especially one I'm not yet ready to discuss, surely I would get sick of hearing it as well and give a rash answer such as "Never." 

I know how hard waiting can be, but I think for the sake of your family and your marriage, you may want to shift your focus elsewhere for a bit, give your DH a break from all the baby talk, and maybe revisit the idea in a few months.


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## tverb84

LockandKey said:


> OP, you've mentioned that you have been talking about it for months, maybe now it's time to stop that talk for a while. I'm not the one in the situation, but personally if someone had come to me day and night with the exact same subject for months, especially one I'm not yet ready to discuss, surely I would get sick of hearing it as well and give a rash answer such as "Never."
> 
> I know how hard waiting can be, but I think for the sake of your family and your marriage, you may want to shift your focus elsewhere for a bit, give your DH a break from all the baby talk, and maybe revisit the idea in a few months.

I would get sick of being asked the same thing too 24/7. Hopefully OP has thought it through and won't separate from her husband.


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## Flip flop

Thanks for all your posts. I think that night I just let my maternal feelings get the better of me. After having had time think it through I no longer want to split the family up over this.

It is however something that is extremely important to me and I have managed to get husband to agree that we will have another In future even if it's a few years away.

I know it sounded harsh that I thought I was willing to break up the family over it but it was also about whether I felt we were compatible anymore and I was beginning think we weren't. I want a family life whereas he wants more of a life of freedom to do what he wants whenever he wants. I think me and our son already suffer as a result. 

But I think I'm ok now, there was one morning last week I burst into tears in the street on the way to work about the things I had said to him and the thought that I might never be having any more babies. 

Also just to add that I hadnt actually thought that my son would be upset and think he wasn't good enough, that was an eye opener.


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## littlesteph

so glad to read that your not splitting over this and that you got him to agree to another even if it is a few years away


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## Flip flop

Thanks, I just hope he means it as he's said that before and then gone back on it, but that might just be (as someone said) because I was putting too much pressure on him.


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## littlesteph

maybe,
it just the case of the wait and see game.


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## tverb84

I'm glad you've decided to stay with your husband.


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## fxmummyduck

Sorry you and hubby have had a rough time of it, glad to hear you had another talk, just keep the lines of communication open, no pressure and see what happens. Marriage can be difficult, pleasing two people all of the time takes hard work and we all go through our rough spots. Now you've talked and its possible you'll have another a few years down the line, why don't you concentrate on really building a great relationship with your husband. Use this time to enjoy each other again and it will probably help him want another one!!!

Wishing you loads of luck :)


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## AP

You never know whats round the corner. :hugs: We always swore never to have any more but we have changed our minds this year with a maybe, we've planned to review it in a few years. Sometimes life has a funny way of working out.


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## Flip flop

Thanks everyone. I see now I've been laying the pressure on too strong and I had cornered him. 

It's going to be hard not thinking about it anymore. I'm filled with a deep sadness at the moment. Just hope I can manage ok with the new long wait ahead.


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## Iveneverseen

I defo don't think putting pressure on him is the answer, ask yourself how would you feel if you didn't want or wasn't ready to have another baby and your husband was putting a lot of pressure on you and saying he was willing to leave you if you didn't give him what he wanted. how would you feel and what would you think?

I don't mean this to sound mean but if you are saying your husband keeps putting it off and wants his freedom and you and your son are suffering as a result why have another baby with him?


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## Flip flop

I see now that the pressure has been putting him off the idea even more.

He is my husband and we already haves child together. Sometimes he spends a bit too much time at the pub etc. Doesn't mean I don't want another child with him.




Iveneverseen said:


> I defo don't think putting pressure on him is the answer, ask yourself how would you feel if you didn't want or wasn't ready to have another baby and your husband was putting a lot of pressure on you and saying he was willing to leave you if you didn't give him what he wanted. how would you feel and what would you think?
> 
> I don't mean this to sound mean but if you are saying your husband keeps putting it off and wants his freedom and you and your son are suffering as a result why have another baby with him?


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## Iveneverseen

Flip flop said:


> I see now that the pressure has been putting him off the idea even more.
> 
> He is my husband and we already haves child together. Sometimes he spends a bit too much time at the pub etc. Doesn't mean I don't want another child with him.
> 
> 
> But you are saying he doesn't want another (yet?)
> and that he likes to do as he wishes and you and your child suffers because of this, I'm not sure why you would want another child with him if this is the case?! do you think having another will change that?


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## Flip flop

I guess that's part of the problem, I'm stuck in this position. That's partly where the threatening to leave came from. I'm very much a family person and have always seen my future with kids (plural), and it seems he isn't so bothered.


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## wtbmummy

Wow this does seem like a very tough situation to be in. 
I agree I think some councilling is definetly needed. 
Imo if you have gotten to a point in your relationship that you are threatening to leave if you don't have another, will your relationship actually last if you do??? It sounds to me like there are issues that need to be resolved within your marriage before you can seriously sit down and discuss another child. 
Do you not remember those first 3-6months... Prob not... Cause they are a blur and put A LOT of strain even on the strongest of marriages. This time though, fact in a child who also has to re-adjust which will make it even harder this time round. 
Also (and I really don't want to come across as to harsh) but actually even if he never does change his mind and never wants another child can't you be greatful for the little miracal you already have???? 
I actually didnt think I could have any children due to a hereditary illness. Finding out I could have a child was amazing. Then we thought we couldn't have another and only yesterday did I get the go ahead to consider no.2 but with my problem I have very limited time to actually carry a child. 
Please remember all those out there who are desperate for children but can not have them. Or don't even meet someone they love enough to marry. 
I know it doesn't help but it can help put things into perspective to remember all you do have. 
I hope you find a way to come to a compromise xxx


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## Flip flop

Although our marriage isn't perfect I think we would have been fine if we'd carried on trying (can't remember if I said or not but we were trying for 3 months last year before he changed his mind). Then after that I started feeling resentment that he is now denying me something I want so much and thought I was getting. I don't just want it for me I want it for my son too, I'm sure he'd love a sibling. I know what its like to have one but my hubby is an only child so he doesn't.

So now I feel perhaps our marriage is slightly damaged but I don't think it's entirely my fault.

I do feel bad for people who can't have kids but for some reason it doesn't seem so bad when it's down to nature, for me I feel like I'm being denied something that could easily be had.

Also if I was in a position where I/we were infertile id go down the adoption route.


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## Nursekat07

Flip flop I want you to Know that I was in the scat same situation literally 2 days ago. My husband and I never agreed on a specific number but I totally thought I was done after #2 and he was fine with that. Then we both changed our minds and wiuld mention a third here and there. Then I changed my mind and for sure wanted 3. We had a suprised pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and just about threw me over the edge. My husband changed his mind and decided he was perfectly fine with 2 and didn't want anymore. I went on meds for depression and anxiety and had so much resentment for my husband. It was overwhelming and I knew that I'd be depressed and filled with regret for the rest of my life because it was THAT important to me. I finally had a serious talk with my husband. I told him he was totally entitled to not want 3 kids but that I had changed my mind. I told him that I could try to learn to lI've without the third but the depression and anger would probably drive us apart eventually. He said he understood and long story short he agreed to try in 3 months. Our first two kids were planned and happened quickly because I charted, temped, etc etc. It took all of the fun out of it for him. He didn't want ANYTHING about a 3rd to be planned which is why he would never commit to a date and even completely changed his mind at one point. I most definitely didn't want to leave but had no idea how I would have managed if he had not agreed. I totally understand how strong the desire is for another baby. For 2 years he would tell me yes we can have a 3rd but I'm not ready yet. So I'd leave it alone for some months then gently bring it up again. I was at my breaking point and felt like he was just toying with me all this time. if he had said absolutely no, my next step would have been to go to counseling. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that things work out for you. 

And to wtbmummy, who says she ISNT greatful for the baby she already has? it's a natural desire for a woman to want children and she shouldn't be made to feel bad because there are other women in the would who can't. I am truly sorry for women who may be unable to experiene pregnancy and/or motherhood but my desire to have a third child is JUST as strong as when I didn't have any and my heart ached for one.


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## Nursekat07

So sorry for all of my typos!!


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## Flip flop

Thanks for your support nursekat07. 

It is an all consuming desire to the point where I am also considering increasing my anxiety meds, although this time I feel more depressed than anything. I've never really suffered depression before but I can feel Myself going that way. I'm going to the dr next week to discuss it. 

And yes it has nothing to do with not being grateful for my son, of course I am grateful but I wish him to have a sibling. I also think these depressing feelings I have probably negatively impact upon him.

On the plus side, I ended up a crying wreck last night about it all and oh confirmed that we will have another even if it's a few years away. That meant a lot and has cheered me up a bit. I just hope he means it and doesn't go back on it.


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## Nursekat07

I am SO happy to hear that! Waiting is hard too so hang in there and definitely go talk to your doc if you feel you need your meds increase. I joined this site simply to respond to your thread but I'll be here until I have my last little one in my arms so definitely keep us updated! Wish you the best.


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## AnnieMac2

Flip Flop - I'm sorry the posters were harsh with you. You're allowed to be emotional and frustrated, and this is usually a good place to vent. I would never offer opinions on a separation, but I think counseling is a good start. While I can see the perspective that you're pressuring him, there's also the point that he's made the family decision without even telling you. I would be very hurt if my husband and I were trying and then he backed off and wasn't honest that he wasn't really planning on ever trying again. Having your hands tied and him having the final say must be difficult. 

I'm not offering any opinion, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. And even in your subsequent replies, you seemed more and more beaten down. You don't have to stuff your feelings away and apologize for them or agree with everyone else. I hope things get better. Will be hoping for the best for you.


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## Flip flop

Thanks Annie Mac. Since my last post I've been on holiday and upped my meds so I'm actually feeling a bit better now. Still not happy but getting through daily life a bit easier. I'm just going to have to be patient and wait and wait.


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## spunky84

I think it's overall a crappy situation to be in - for both people.

On one hand, no, the OP cannot "force" another child into her husband's life if he's not ready/wanting another. It's not fair to him or the child.

On the other hand, having another is important to the OP. Important enough that by not having another child _could_ cause a lot of resentment in the marriage.

I'm not saying that the OP _should_ leave her husband over it. I do agree that counseling would probably be the best course of action. I just don't think it's fair that she's being judged so harshly for how she feels. Yes, leaving her husband would absolutely affect her child. And if the OP had another or not, there is likely to be a lot of resentment in the marriage. That's also likely going to have an affect on the child. It might be less than if the OP left, but it almost might not be less.

Wanting another has nothing to do with appreciating or not appreciating the child that she already has. It's not fair to insinuate that her strong need to have another means that she doesn't appreciate what she already has. I'm sure the OP loves her child and is grateful to have that child.

It's also not fair to compare the OP to those that cannot have children. Apples and oranges.

The OP is not the first or the last person to feel this way or go through this. I can understand her needs being 32. Yes, 32 is young, but it might be increasing the need to have another sooner than later.

When having a child is so important to someone and someone saying 'no', I can see how the OP would react in such a way. Maybe it's right, maybe it's not, but I understand where she's coming from.

I really think the best thing would be for them to go to counseling, but I don't think the OP is wrong for how she feels. There's no wrong or right way to feel in this situation as it is a delicate one. I really hope it something that can be worked out between them as it's really a tricky situation.


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## Flip flop

I asked oh if we can go to marriage counselling, it didn't go down very well but he said he'd think about it. I feel if we do that it's better than nothing and I feel like I'm doing something about it.


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## AnnieMac2

I hope he goes and that it's helpful. It looks like you're really trying hard to communicate with him. If he doesn't agree to go (or even if he does), definitely look into individual counseling for yourself. You shouldn't have to sit back and wait on him and just numb yourself to what's going on in your life until he feels like going to a counselor. Having someone reverse on a major family decision without telling you is a big deal. Your needs are valid and important as well, and you need to feel comfortable with him and your joint decisions. I'm not really thinking about the ttc dilemma, I'm worried about the fact that he decided to never have another child and you didn't even know it. Don't doubt yourself. Good luck!


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## Flip flop

AnnieMac2 said:


> I hope he goes and that it's helpful. It looks like you're really trying hard to communicate with him. If he doesn't agree to go (or even if he does), definitely look into individual counseling for yourself. You shouldn't have to sit back and wait on him and just numb yourself to what's going on in your life until he feels like going to a counselor. Having someone reverse on a major family decision without telling you is a big deal. Your needs are valid and important as well, and you need to feel comfortable with him and your joint decisions. I'm not really thinking about the ttc dilemma, I'm worried about the fact that he decided to never have another child and you didn't even know it. Don't doubt yourself. Good luck!

I said to him if he's not keen on the councelling then we don't have to go (for now) as long as he agrees to sit down and talk things through with me. He agreed to it but now I don't know when to do it. 

I am actually on the waiting list for councelling through my gp, hopefully won't be much longer now.

I really don't know what to do if he neve agrees, I know he has agrees that will have another in the future some time but can't help but think he's just saying that to stop me talking about it. If he doesn't agree then is it right for me to be this unhappy and suffer low mood/Anxiety over this for the rest of my life?


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## Flip flop

I said I wanted to discuss things tonight so we did and he was being very unreasonable saying he didn't to go through it all again, I was hoping to go through his reasons again and discuss them but he wouldn't even give me his reasons kept just saying it's everything. He said he doesn't want another and doesn't know if he ever will. I made it clear that this wasn't about me nagging him I just wanted to discuss it but I could sense his frustration. So in the end I just said I think we need to go to the councelling. He doesn't believe it will help but I see no other option.


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