# Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?



## garden_mom

Not sure how to start this. Basically we need advice about our 15 year old daughter, and when it's appropriate to let her boyfriend sleep over, and how much freedom we should give them. And if we can go on another short trip and leave them alone.

For background, they have been having sex for some time, but we are okay with it. They've been together for more than 8 months, and it's serious. Her boyfriend who is 17 is a great guy, he treats her like a princess, and we like him a lot.

Their relationship was very emotionally intense from the beginning, they were inseparable and obsessed with each other. So eventually we realized sex was probably inevitable. It was hard to absorb at first but we are okay with it. We put her on the pill a couple years ago for cramps, and never took her off it. They don't use condoms, which she admitted to me, but she takes her pill religiously and makes a point of it. In general we feel they're being safe, and we know they will do it, and we feel safer if she's at home.

So in early June we decided to go on a weekend trip and leave her home, and we allowed him to stay over. We are considering doing this one or two more times this summer, but we wonder if we're giving them too much freedom.

For the record the chance of them having a party is very slim. He doesn't use drugs or smoke or even drink, which my daughter asked him when they were just friends, because she's not interested in them either. We are enormously grateful for that. And we trust her with him. It seems rare to find a 17 year old guy who's not interested in drinking, but frankly he seems more interested in her than anything else.

When we did this in June, it went fine. When we got back, they had done all the chores we asked, the house was so clean, they both seemed grateful. My daughter was beaming for days. I know she wants us to do it again and I sense her getting antsy about it although she's too shy to ask. What's confusing is that we want to, but we always thought we would be more protective of her than this.

We also have a feeling that if this becomes a thing, when the school year starts she will want more sleepovers. And what happens if we go down that road? He already spends a lot of time at our house, if he stays overnight regularly I don't know if that's appropriate.

Are we being smart about this? Should we let them have a couple more weekends this summer? I also wonder if this is something we should keep private from family or friends, or if there's no shame in it. It's hard to see this from the outside.

Sorry for the long post. It's a little overwhelming because they're already planning their future, like going to the same college together (his idea). We want to support their relationship, that's honestly our instinct, but are we being good parents too?


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## Aidan's Mummy

I don't have teenagers yet so I can only say what I would do. Personally I wouldn't allow them to share a room or have him sleep over. Your situation sounds very similar to what happened with me at that age. I was on birth control and my parents let him sleep over to. At 16 I became pregnant, I feel they were too laid back with the entire thing and even though I was on the pill I still became pregnant. I get that if they are going to have sex they will do it regardless of your feeling but I feel letting him sleep over is a step to far. x


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## Natasha2605

I think it's great that they both seem sensible and you are open with your daughter enough to allow him to sleep over. As long as she understands the implications of NOT taking the pill and they are not abusing your trust I think it's fine. I wouldn't allow sleepovers on school nights or frequently once back at school. Don't really see the need.

I don't think it's a case of not being protective enough. Like you say, you'd rather they were at home rather than out and about.


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## Pearls18

I think it's great how open she is with you, you know she's having sex so if it wasn't at your house it would be somewhere else. My mum was always very relaxed with me and although I was a bit older at 17 I was always allowed my boyfriend (now husband!) over. The irony is I don't think I would be comfortable if it was my house, I am a self confessed prude when it comes to other people's sex lives and the thought of someone having sex in the room next to me makes me feel sick (I blame university dorm PTSD!) but if you're comfortable I don't think you should change what you're doing just because you're not sure if it's right or not, if you're all comfortable with the situation I don't see the need to change it. However, she is only 15 so I would treat it the same as friends sleeping over, school comes first, you wouldn't have friends over every weekend so just limit it that way perhaps? School vacations, so long as keeping up with school, not letting the relationship become her sole focus etc?

I think the key is good communication, which it sounds like you have! I would be tempted to get her a second form of birth control though, whether that's encouraging condoms or getting something like the implant instead?


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## alicecooper

Whilst I think it's nice that you're so supportive, I'm sorry I can't advise you, as I wouldn't be okay with my daughter (or indeed my sons) having sex at 15, so if it were my child there would be no sleepover privileges, and I would not be leaving her alone overnight with her boyfriend.


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## garden_mom

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I don't think regular sleepovers are going to become a thing anytime soon. We are probably doing one or two more weekend trips this summer though. Since it worked out fine the first time, I don't think it's a problem.

To the point about limits, I think we do need to keep boundaries and a regular sleepover during the school year would be too much at this point. Not just in terms of "growing up too fast" but in terms of time. She did get behind on homework when they first got together, but that has been sorted out and she has a very responsible routine now.

Which also goes to why this is much more okay with us during the summer. If she's home alone especially over a weekend we almost feel more comfrotable with him being there. He has more than proven himself trustworthy at this point. Better she's with him than being persuaded by a friend into drinking or who knows what. She doesn't have bad friends but I know how it is.

I won't be sharing our situation with anyone else in life like family or friends, I think most people are more conservative about this issue. I won't let that cause any shame though because we know our values. It's hard to describe without living our lives and seeing them for 8 months. This is clearly a long term relationship and I sincerely believe they have a future together with the way things are going. We never thought our daughter would be in this situation at this age, but it has happened.

About birth control, I would like them to use condoms as well. However it would be impossible to enforce that, and honestly I don't see it happening especially since they are used to going without. We have thought about the implant. The problem is she likes the other benefits of the pill, it cooperates with her body and I've heard some fairly bad side effects of the implant. But we are still open to other possibilities.


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## sue_88

alicecooper said:


> Whilst I think it's nice that you're so supportive, I'm sorry I can't advise you, as I wouldn't be okay with my daughter (or indeed my sons) having sex at 15, so if it were my child there would be no sleepover privileges, and I would not be leaving her alone overnight with her boyfriend.

I agree. Not ignoring the fact that what they're doing is illegal which would make me more determined to not have such act under my roof.


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## cncem

I would Never allow my 15 year old daughter to have sex, much less support and encourage it. I get it that my child might do it behind my back anyway, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to do so. You say you are aware that they don't use condoms? You may think this young man is well and good and faithful to your child, but he is only 17, still a child himself. How do you know he isn't going out and having sex with other girls and bringing diseases or god forbid hiv back to your child? There are other reasons for using condoms besides the prevention of pregnancy, and I'm surprised your ok with it. Birth control pills fail all the time, I've had so many friends and ladies I know that have fallen pregnant even when they are taking their pills religiously on time, every time. About going out of town and leaving your Child alone to play house with her boyfriend have you not thought what if there is a break-in and she gets killed or kidnapped? I would never leave my child at home alone while I went away for even a short trip. And lastly, your child may think you are a cool and hip parent, but when she is older she will resent you for not laying down rules and letting her do what she wants. Especially when she is 19 with a child on her hip, while her friends are away at college partying and enjoying being young and free. I keep saying child because no matter how mature and responsable you think she is, she is still a child.

[This post has been edited as per forum TOS]


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## garden_mom

They are less than 2 years apart, so no it is definitely not illegal in my state. The same goes for most states I think. It's not as if he's 20 years old, we would obviously not be okay with that. They are peers. He is not even remotely taking advantage of her, which would be obvious if you met them.

I understand many people are more conservative about these issues but suggesting CPS should be called on us is clearly a bit much. It is a safe neighborhood and my neighbor/friend would gladly help them out with something if needed. "I feel so bad for her"?... I don't know how else to defend myself except to say, she has grown up in a loving household and we do have rules, I don't think it's anything like you're imagining.


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## cncem

No, it's not abit much. Ask yourself why you don't ask your friends and family or tell anyone else in real life about the situation. Because you know you are wrong, period. No one said anything about your child being taken advantage of by this young man.


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## Mintastic

Don't listen to the haters. I am not a mom yet but I was the same as your daughter growing up and my parents were open and supportive and smart about it like you are being.
I am 33 now - happily married - never got accidentally pregnant or any STDs.
In my experience all my friends who got into bad situations in high school were the ones who had to sneak around.

The major difference is that while I was on the pill in high school we also still used condoms. I would never trust a teenaged boy not to cheat. I know there are good boys out there but that is just not something I would leave to chance.
Obviously you can't know for sure if they are using them but if you really have a trusting relationship maybe you can say that condoms are the condition under which he can stay over and that you will be trusting her to do the right thing?

Edit: Also - I feel that like with your daughter my parents support allowed me to form long-term relationships that are still meaningful to me today rather than simply hooking up with random guys at parties as many of my peers were doing.


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## Pearls18

I think you're being way too harsh cncem, I completely agree I think 15 is too young to have sex, I was still a child then and as a parent I hope my children aren't in a rush to grow up. But I think it is SO easy to sit back and be judgemental especially while we are parents of babies not teenagers it's always so easy to have ideals, when I first read this I thought NO WAY, but reading it the one thing that stood out to me is that the daughter is probably a lot safer than daughters of parents who choose to brush it under the carpet, who just say "nope, you're too young to have sex" girls like these are the ones who become detached from their parents, will put more emphasis on their relationship and could be less safe about sex. I don't know what I would do, as I say I don't think I would be comfortable with sleep overs in my house end of and probably wouldn't allow it under 16 due to not wanting to condone underage sex, but the OP clearly cares for the safety of her daughter, maybe she is a bit too blasé about a 15 year old having sex, but at the end of the day most teenagers are so stubborn that if you said no they are going to do it anyway, maybe you would prefer to play dumb, let them try it elsewhere (maybe this is what I would do) but it sounds like the OP has the trust of her daughter and as I say I think that makes her a hell of a lot less vulnerable than a lot of other teenagers out there. As kids get older parenting gets more complex, I am dreading the teenage years but there really isn't a right or wrong answer, children are growing up so fast these days, society is as much to blame and there is only so much control we have over that. I know I'm glad not making these decisions yet.


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## sue_88

I thought the age of consent was 16-18 across America? Maybe I'm wrong but I know I wouldn't condone it in UK as it is illegal.

I also forgot to touch on the being left alone which is again something I wouldn't do. I was very trusted growing up in my household but still being left alone overnight wasn't acceptable, and I can't say I'd be doing that with my LO just to go off on holiday. I'd want her to be with me as a family.

If you're happy for her to continue this way then I do think you should seriously plead with her to use condoms. People can be very good liars and you've got no way of knowing if he's cheated, or will cheat (shit does happen!) so the disease protection is a must which at the minute they're wide open too. And give that the pill is not 100% effective it will add another pregnancy protection.


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## Pearls18

I agree about not leaving her at 15 either.

As for her not wanting to use condoms or you being worried about the implant, this is where you have to parent and not be her friend, she needs to know all the risks and a compromise has to be met, she can't have it all her way.


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## ~RedLily~

I don't have a 15 year old so maybe my opinion will change when I do but for now I think if you know they will be having sex regardless of what you say then surely at home is better than her sneaking off and you not knowing where she is (not saying she would). I also think the way you have dealt with the situation will have made her more comfortable to talk to you about anything, contraception for example. 
I personally don't think I would be ok about leaving a 15 year old for the weekend but if I ever did, having her boyfriend there would make me feel more comfortable I think.
What you say or do probably won't change their decision to have sex but at least you know they are in a safe environment.


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## sbl

For me its a big absolutely not, no way, not a hope! 
While I know 15 year olds are having sex it wouldn't be happening under my roof. I was no angel at that age and in an intense relationship which ended terribly. 
At 15 no matter how sensible you are your not sensible enough for that kind of freedom at home in my opinion. 
Its great you guys have such a good relationship but I would never condone this. Its illegal in Ireland anyway.


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## lhancock90

It doesn't matter how many years apart they are its about whether shes under the age of constant and if hes over, he could be charged with statutory rape and ruin his life. If shes going to have sex, shes going to have sex and you can make sure she does it safely but i think you are be far to encouraging of it myself.
I would limit sleepovers, separate rooms when you are there?


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## ItsJana

cncem said:


> I have several thoughts on this issue, and when I first read it I thought no way is this for real. This person has to be a troll, just saying these things to get stuff started on here. But, lets just say you are for real I would Never allow my 15 year old daughter to have sex, much less support and encourage it. I get it that my child might do it behind my back anyway, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to do so. You say you are aware that they don't use condoms? You may think this young man is well and good and faithful to your child, but he is only 17, still a child himself. How do you know he isn't going out and having sex with other girls and bringing diseases or god forbid hiv back to your child? There are other reasons for using condoms besides the prevention of pregnancy, and I'm surprised your ok with it. Birth control pills fail all the time, I've had so many friends and ladies I know that have fallen pregnant even when they are taking their pills religiously on time, every time. About going out of town and leaving your Child alone to play house with her boyfriend have you not thought what if there is a break-in and she gets killed or kidnapped? I would never leave my child at home alone while I went away for even a short trip. And lastly, your child may think you are a cool and hip parent, but when she is older she will resent you for not laying down rules and letting her do what she wants. Especially when she is 19 with a child on her hip, while her friends are away at college partying and enjoying being young and free. I keep saying child because no matter how mature and responsable you think she is, she is still a child. I feel so bad for her. I find this whole thing disgusting and appalling and child protective services should be called in to protect your child from you. If it seems I'm being judgy, well I am. You invited judgement when you wrote this and asked people their opinions.

Couldn't agree more. I'm not going to respond to op, because I have nothing nice or supportive to say about what she is allowing. The whole thing is shocking and I don't think I'm generally a "conservative" person, just a common sense parent.


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## Sour_Skittle

I didn't respond when I first read this... But my first instinct... I actually wanted to cry. Maybe being pregnant is the culprit... But to me 15 is still way too young to be allowed sex... It actually makes me sick to my stomach thinking of it... But then I was thinking maybe I really don't know anything about teenagers because I was the type that grew up not wanting sex until marriage and never did drugs, never drank or smoked. Didn't drink until I was 20. And no sex until 19... I can only hope I can encourage my children to do the same... I don't want them to think it's ok at this age to do that. I'm just scared to death of being a parent to a teenager... More so afraid than being a parent to a newborn. 

No judgement from me... Because being a parent to teenagers is no easy task and knowing what the right thing to do doesn't come as easily... We want them to be babies forever... Where we know they are safe and can't get hurt. :/

But I do agree.. Maybe 15 is still a bit too young to be left home alone over night or multiple nights... But I'm a worrisome person and would think the worst and would never be able to enjoy my vacation...


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## Pearls18

I totally get what everyone is saying, I don't really disagree with anyone (except the person who mentioned CPS...) I absolutely hope to bring my children up to not want to be having sex under 16, that is my main aim, what I will do if this is not looking like the case I don't know. I myself have only ever been with my husband so I was not a promiscuous person at all so by being sympathetic isn't to reflect any of my own morals. I totally understand banning sleepovers as a way of showing you don't condone it, buuuuuuut how do you "disallow" somebody from having sex? It's such a personal decision about your own body, it's not even like getting a tattoo I feel, I'm not sure you can tell someone off for that without fear of pushing your daughter away and leaving her vulnerable when right now she probably needs support not rebellion, I mean I suppose the OP should be doing more to encourage the girl to not have sex as it sounds like she hasn't done this at all but ignoring how they got to that point and just looking at it from now, how do you support your daughter, educate her, but let her have control of her own body? I don't have the answer I'm just thinking allowed, I mean I totally get the repulsion of an under 16 having sex I would be devastated to find out if my children had (I think that's why people are unsympathetic as the OP doesn't appear to be) but I think once it has happened if you haven't been able to stop it it's not as black and white as just being repulsed, and saying "nope, nadde, no way" teenagers scare me...I feel like it's going to be like treading on egg shells, trying to educate them, respect them, parent them but not controlling them.


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## lau86

I've held off replying to this one as I don't have a teenage daughter and am not sure I'm qualified to comment. In a way it think it's a bit of a pointless question as there are sooooo many factors that has led the op to her decision, we have never met her, her daughter or boyfriend so cannot really say what she should do. 
What I will say is I was older when my boyfriend was allowed to stay, (around 17), he stayed in my room so it was pretty much an unspoken thing that we were having sex, apart from a 'I hope you're being careful' from my mum. I was/ am really sensible and got the pill from the GP without my mum knowing. I just didn't have that sort of relationship with my parents. 
The op has allowed her daughter to do this under her roof so it is going to be really difficult to back track now. Op I would have another talk with her about condoms and try to persuade her of the benefits. 
As for her boyfriend sleeping over I would let him stay maybe once or twice a month and only if her school work is good/ she behaves herself otherwise. 
I find it really icky to think of a 15 yr old having sex, but i would rather they be able to come to me and be open with me. my main concern would be that she doesn't get herself into any situations that would adversely affect her future. 
Eta, her boyfriend presumably has parents, what do they think of it?


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## sue_88

I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.

She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.

This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).

I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.


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## Mintastic

Not all sex is created equal.

I started when I was 14(almost 15), with parental knowledge/support with a very nice boy I was with for two years and am still friends with today. We are both happily married (to other people). I have been with my husband for almost 9 years.
I have plenty of friends who waited until 18 only to lose it to a random drunk frat guy they never saw again. Is that better?

The OP isn't simply supporting underage sex - something many seem to find grotesque - she is supporting a stable, healthy, long-term relationship - something many teens don't get to experience.

This sets an excellent foundation for future relationships even if the girl doesn't marry her high school sweetheart. When you know what a good relationship is like you are a lot less likely to put up with d-bags and one night stands.


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## Natasha2605

sue_88 said:


> I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.
> 
> She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.
> 
> This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).
> 
> I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.

I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?


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## housewifey

Seems to be lots of varied opinions on this one!

OP I congratulate you on having such an open and trusting relationship with your daughter. I can only hope I have the same with my daughter when she is older. I think you are doing a great job although I do have to agree with a few of the previous posters, the pill is not 100% effective and I would be pushing for use of condoms or a different method? Although it's impossible to keep track of this obviously!

Those saying they would not allow it under any circumstance because it is illegal? Her daughter is 15 so 1 year or less below the legal age of consent? Have you never sped on a highway? Dropped litter? Stole something (Small)? I'm not saying breaking the law is okay in every sense but the OP is encouraging a healthy relationship rather than meaningless one night stands which could put her daughter at more risk of sti etc.


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## sue_88

Natasha2605 said:


> sue_88 said:
> 
> 
> I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.
> 
> She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.
> 
> This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).
> 
> I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.
> 
> I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?Click to expand...

Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.

yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.

I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.


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## sue_88

housewifey said:


> Seems to be lots of varied opinions on this one!
> 
> OP I congratulate you on having such an open and trusting relationship with your daughter. I can only hope I have the same with my daughter when she is older. I think you are doing a great job although I do have to agree with a few of the previous posters, the pill is not 100% effective and I would be pushing for use of condoms or a different method? Although it's impossible to keep track of this obviously!
> 
> Those saying they would not allow it under any circumstance because it is illegal? Her daughter is 15 so 1 year or less below the legal age of consent? *Have you never sped on a highway? Dropped litter? Stole something (Small)?* I'm not saying breaking the law is okay in every sense but the OP is encouraging a healthy relationship rather than meaningless one night stands which could put her daughter at more risk of sti etc.

Nope, nope & no! (Well maybe I've done 32 in a 30...shoot me).

And we're not talking about dropping a sweet wrapper here, we're talking about statutory rape. You can make the guy out like he poops rainbows but in the UK, this is statutory rape.


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## Pearls18

sue_88 said:


> Natasha2605 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sue_88 said:
> 
> 
> I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.
> 
> She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.
> 
> This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).
> 
> I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.
> 
> I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?Click to expand...
> 
> Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.
> 
> yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.
> 
> I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.Click to expand...

You see the funny thing is I had a different up bringing to you, yes my parents were stricter than most of my friends in most respects, I couldn't "hang out" in town and was hard getting them to let me out under 16, BUT my mum had a very open relationship with me she always told me to ask her about that stuff from around the age of 13, she used to let me drink responsibly at home from 13 all of this was because she wanted me to feel comfortable talking to her and getting used to the adult world but all the while I was very much a child, she had a very strict upbringing of not being allowed boys home etc (military upbringing her dad was an officer) and she will tell you now her parents wouldn't have been happy with what she got up to not that they knew, and put herself in vulnerable situations. My mum didn't lay down massive ground rules with me, I know that if I had of wanted sex at 15 I could have discussed it with her and she would have put me on the pill (I genuinely don't know if she would have tried to talk me out of it) but you know what? I grew up to not be the girl that slept around, I could count on one hand how many boys I've kissed, I was never a big drinker and I married the guy I lost my virginity to after being with him for 8 months (the sex bit, I didn't marry him after 8 months lol). She let him sleep over in my bed even when we had only been together a few months. My point is there isn't one way to parent to get the same outcome, there is no saying that your daughter will absolutely respect you and do exactly as you wish just because you say you will raise her that way, if it was that easy no one would complain about teenagers! I don't know how I will bring up my boys I guess it's very different with boys but I know I can't be too hard on myself saying "they will be like this, this and this because I will do it this way" respect is the absolute key, I respected my mum, but you gain that in many different ways. You respected the boundaries your parents set for you, I respected my parents' and basically we got the same outcome, stress free girls to raise ;)


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## sue_88

MarineWAG said:


> sue_88 said:
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> Natasha2605 said:
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> sue_88 said:
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> I would approach it by saying that I was aware it had happened, and I'm glad that she decided that being careful was important (god willing!) but that I wanted her to understand that in no way do I condone these actions, that I am grossly disappointed she believes having underage sex was necessary and that it is absolutely not allowed under my roof.
> 
> She would not be allowed upstairs with a boy whilst they were in my house.
> 
> This is how I was raised (I've only been with my ex partner, and we slept together when I was 18), and I knew from the off that sex was not anything allowed in my parents house, so I didn't do it, I waited until I was at University and I'd been with my OH for a year. (He was 31 and waited till I was ready).
> 
> I like how I was raised, and my mum has taught me how to parent, and I'll take her teachings forward with me when my LO is a teenager and I hope that she respects my authority. Just like I respected (still do!) my parents.
> 
> I don't disagree with your post but I just wondered : Don't you think a sudden ban like this would encourage her daughter to have sex elsewhere which could potentially lead to other problems. I don't imagine either her teen or the boyfriend will happily stop having sex just because mum has decided it can't be done under her roof?Click to expand...
> 
> Perhaps yes, but I doubt this mum is going down this approach, I was simply saying in response to MarineWAG about how I would go about expressing my wish for her not to have sex.
> 
> yes this situation is different as they've already been given the green light to hump like rabbits as they please.
> 
> I know that I had great respect for my parents wishes and one of which was for me to not have sex in their house (or until I felt ready and responsible for any consequences). I had plenty of opportunity elsewhere and could have happily done it but for me it did come down to respect. My parents were my keepers until I became an adult (and left home for Uni) at the age of 18, until then I lived by their rules. I will raise my daughter the same.Click to expand...
> 
> You see the funny thing is I had a different up bringing to you, yes my parents were stricter than most of my friends in most respects, I couldn't "hang out" in town and was hard getting them to let me out under 16, BUT my mum had a very open relationship with me she always told me to ask her about that stuff from around the age of 13, she used to let me drink responsibly at home from 13 all of this was because she wanted me to feel comfortable talking to her and getting used to the adult world but all the while I was very much a child, she had a very strict upbringing of not being allowed boys home etc (military upbringing her dad was an officer) and she will tell you now her parents wouldn't have been happy with what she got up to not that they knew, and put herself in vulnerable situations. My mum didn't lay down massive ground rules with me, I know that if I had of wanted sex at 15 I could have discussed it with her and she would have put me on the pill (I genuinely don't know if she would have tried to talk me out of it) but you know what? I grew up to not be the girl that slept around, I could count on one hand how many boys I've kissed, I was never a big drinker and I married the guy I lost my virginity to after being with him for 8 months (the sex bit, I didn't marry him after 8 months lol). She let him sleep over in my bed even when we had only been together a few months. My point is there isn't one way to parent to get the same outcome, there is no saying that your daughter will absolutely respect you and do exactly as you wish just because you say you will raise her that way, if it was that easy no one would complain about teenagers! I don't know how I will bring up my boys I guess it's very different with boys but I know I can't be too hard on myself saying "they will be like this, this and this because I will do it this way" respect is the absolute key, I respected my mum, but you gain that in many different ways. You respected the boundaries your parents set for you, I respected my parents' and basically we got the same outcome, stress free girls to raise ;)Click to expand...

Yeah I definitely agree, we could have teenagers from absolute hell, but knowing what my mum did with two different girl and raised them the same and produced myself and my sister then I'll take some of her teachings and mould them to my LO. Of course she's different, and we're years and years off but our parents do teach us. My folks weren't too different to what you described, I wasn't allowed out until I was 18 to go 'clubbing' but restaurants etc were fine. I was allowed to drink at home, I did have my boyfriend (who became fiancé and is still the only person I've ever kissed or had sex with, my LOs dad.) over but we wanted to all be together as a family anyway so never shut ourselves away in my room, and we we're open about everything considered private if we wanted to talk. I wouldn't have considered sex at 15 anyway, so that never needed to come up.

No ones got a crystal ball so we can't say how things will be, but I would hope that if I parent the way to my Mum & Dad did, my girl will be raised to be like me into her adult life. And if she's a tearaway, she'll get shipped straight to grandmas!


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## Pearls18

Absolutely of course we have to parent to the best of our ability we can't just say "teenagers will be teenagers" the character of the child will come into it also I was always an indoorsy, introverted and not interested in sex etc at a young age so my parents didn't have a fight on their hands with me. My brother got together with his girlfriend at 14 I remember sleep overs being a sticking point but I'm pretty sure they were allowed before 16 although not much before, I would be amazed if they hadn't of had sex, they are getting married this September after 9 years together having both been to uni :)

My point is that there are different methods of parenting, sleepovers at 15 might shock some people (myself included) but it doesn't sound like the OP has stood back and just thought I will leave her to it, she's just approaching it a different way, my parents went down the more liberal line but even they are surprised at how prudish we turned out haha.

I think I will be more conservative than my own parents but tbh that stems more from my personality than my upbringing, but I will ( and do ) uphold their values.


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## cncem

Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity? 
I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.


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## garden_mom

This is a little overwhelming right now but I'll try to respond to some of it...

Since it has been brought up so many times now after I've said it's legal, in the state of Minnesota: "If the person under the age of consent is between 13 and 16 years old, they can legally consent to sex with someone that is less than 48 months (4 years) older than them." I have checked other sources too. I could see that being lowered to 3 years or 2 years difference, but even then this would still be legal. These laws are to protect teens being taken advantage of, not high schoolers who are peers.

To be clear, I would be horrified if she started having sex with multiple partners, or lost her virginity at a party, or with some asshole who didn't care about her. Those were my nightmares. The opposite of that has happened, and when I look at my daughter and her boyfriend it's hard not to be happy. I didn't expect her to be growing up this fast, but she has also dealt with it better than I could have expected and has shown a surprising amount of maturity.

No it's not perfect, and we have probably been too lax in some ways, and I honestly respect people's opinions on that. But I refuse to push her away. I value the openness and communication we have and always hoped I would have that kind of relationship with her as a teen. How confusing would it be to punish her for staying true to what we've taught her, including being against promiscuity and partying and such. No we did not say "you can't have sex before this age" and maybe we should have. But she has been such a great daughter and honestly lives up to our values.


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## JASMAK

My niece is 15 having sex and I am not okay with it at all. I also think it's disrespectful to have sex at parent's house. I mean you are okay with this already so it's a question for you alone to answer. We are all of varying opinions and some, like myself, do not have a child of that age. It would be nice if my child waited until, you know. ..30. Ha!


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## pinklightbulb

I would rather my kid do this under my roof and I knew it was going on than get the shock of "Hey, Mum? I got my GF pregnant.... WTF do I do?????" if they were going behind my back because I thought me "not allowing" my child to be sexually active would simply be enough to make it so....


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## Natasha2605

cncem said:


> Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and *even something like promoting child prostitution*, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
> I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.


That is an absolutely ridiculous comparison to make, how offensive :nope: Her daughter is in a LOVING relationship, it is not the same at all!

Maybe there was a mother somewhere who sold her daughter's virginity, that has absolutely no relevance to this thread at all :shrug:

I don't see why OP needs to tell people in real life either, I don't go about telling people the ins and outs of my family dynamics. 

OP has already stated that this is legal in her state if you'd read above so the comments about CPS or authorities are not relevant either. 

Btw, your not allowed to call troll on the forum either. If you're really that concerned I hope you've reported to admin. :thumbup:


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## Pearls18

cncem said:


> Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
> I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

Now who sounds like a troll? :dohh:


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## lhancock90

cncem said:


> Perhaps I was being harsh, but I felt the original poster needed that, and it was my opinion, no candy coating. It is not just letting her 15 year old daughter have sex in her home, It Was that, but it was also the fact that she didn't seem to care that they weren't using condoms and that she felt that it is ok to leave her child at home alone while she and her husband went away on holiday. Yes, speaking to the illegality of the situation there is the age of consent thing, but also she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and even something like promoting child prostitution, Yes that is harsh and a stretch, but you never know with authorities or cps being involved. Wasn't there a story in the news recently about a 15 year old girl who's mother sold her virginity?
> I have an 11 year old daughter, and I thought long and hard about how I would deal with this situation, and truth is I don't know what I'd do, but what I Won't do is allow my child to have sex under my roof, no way. When I first read this I didn't post, I didn't think it was real that someone would do this, and still think this is probably a troll trying to stir stuff up and make everyone upset, after all that was her first post on this forum, this forum for a bunch of emotional pregnant ladies (lol). But that aside, it may have been harsh but I stand by my words, every single thing I said. I too felt sick to my stomach and not a little bit angry about the situation. Did the original poster ever explain why she doesn't tell anyone in real life about this situation and seek advice of friends and family? I'm not sure, I must have not seen that if she did.

Sorry is it normal to go round notifying everyone you know when your kids decide to have sex? 
Is it child prostitution for your daughter to be in a loving relationship?!


OP, i already answered once and i am genuinely glad you cleared up the legalities of the situation, i do think i would try create a healthier relationship for your daughter in that, when you said it started off very serious and intense, its probably still that way, that's being 15 i suppose. I would make clear sleepovers are not a common occurrence, they will be a rarity until she reaches a better age. Encourage safe sex etc. Keep tabs on them both. Its all you can do now really, x


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## Kate&Lucas

Some of these responses :lol:

OP I really hope my my son and I have a relationship like you and your daughter when he's that age! She sounds amazingly mature for her age and you must be very proud. The law here isn't as flexible but it's obvious you've all approached the situation with sense. I think it's very easy to comment on a scenario that you've never encountered in reality.

If I were in your shoes I think I'd let them have the overnights. They've been very sensible with it before. Because you've already given them that freedom you don't want a situation where you go away and they decide to sneak around because you've refused them this time. It'd be unfortunate when they've done so much to gain your trust,


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## Noodlebear

Sorry but cncem you need to learn how to speak to people, your comments are not only rude but also ridiculous and out of touch.

I don't really agree with the 'atleast they're doing it under my roof' mentality as a blanket rule, it depends on the individual. If you think that putting limits on it left right and center is going to stop them then you need a reality check, people have sex in the day aswell believe it or not. OP, your relationship with your daughter is fantastic. It's wonderful that she's so open and honest with you and you should be proud of the fact that you have made that happen. I do agree with MW about making sure she understands that she isn't protected from everything just because she's using the pill, though at 15 I'm sure she's more than aware of that fact anyway. At the end of the day she's very honest with you, you know where she is, you know and like her boyfriend - in your situation, yeah, I'd much rather have them both in my house where they're safe than being overly strict so they end up going god knows where after dark to have that time together. If they were both totally immature and unaware of how to behave responsibly then no way.


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## hopeandpray

Have you thought about what you will do if she becomes pregnant? The pill alone is not 100% effective and at her age she's probably incredibly fertile. I think that 15 is too young to be having a relationship where she is staying alone for days in a house having sex with her boyfriend. They are important years for self development and I'd be afraid she'd miss out while spending so much time and energy on a boy. 
I think that it's great that you both have such an open relationship I think that allowing what you have at 15 is a little much. Out of respect I wouldn't have brought my boyfriend to the house to have sex at that age.


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## Wobbles

cncem I'm requesting you now leave the thread with no further comment. If you ignore this request your account is at risk.

Rudeness is not welcome and trolling/flaming the forum and/or it's members is not acceptable.


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## Aidan's Mummy

hopeandpray said:


> Have you thought about what you will do if she becomes pregnant? The pill alone is not 100% effective and at her age she's probably incredibly fertile. I think that 15 is too young to be having a relationship where she is staying alone for days in a house having sex with her boyfriend. They are important years for self development and I'd be afraid she'd miss out while spending so much time and energy on a boy.
> I think that it's great that you both have such an open relationship I think that allowing what you have at 15 is a little much. Out of respect I wouldn't have brought my boyfriend to the house to have sex at that age.

Second this x


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## seoj

OP- Obviously you've gotten loads of opinions. But maybe hearing from someone who's parents DID let her B/F stay over might help? 

I don't want to speak to whether I think she should or should not be having sex at her age (or with a boy 2yrs older). It's done. And you and your OH are Ok with it- so that is the most important thing (besides your daughters emotional and physical well being of course)- and you seem you have a very open relationship and a great line of communication. And no matter what- whether you initially agreed with her decision or not- that is very important and something I also have with my SD (who's now 17) and who's been my full time kid since she was 9yrs. I cherish how open we are with eachother- and intend on having the same with my LO. As that is what I had with my own mother. 

I would say- you should at least discuss the risks of not using condoms. Although, I too stopped using them once I was on the pill (although I was 18 at the time). So I get it. I mean, there is NO guarantee no matter what form of BC you use. You can't wrap her in a bubble- although I've thought about with my oldest! :haha: She's not having sex yet- nor has she been in a serious relationship yet. I think 3mos was her longest? 

I was 17 (almost 18) when my first serious b/f and I had sex-- and we were "in love" (as much as you can be at that age- although I honestly feel it's more passion and innocence than real love- just my two cents though lol). But my b/f was great to me- I knew he'd been with other girls- so he got blood work to rule anything out. I was a virgin. So I didn't. After we'd been dating several months- and my parents knew we were having sex, and I'd been put on the pill-- I did sleep over at his house often, and occasionally he'd sleep at mine. My mom's thought was- it was going to happen, I was 18 (legally an adult) and although I lived at home and had to respect that and check in still etc... she allowed me that freedom. 

At 15- I would probably not do the same though tbh. Even at 17, the thought of my oldest having a boy stay over (well, it's not a good feeling). But- we'd for sure set clear boundaries and rules. She would need to respect them- period. 

End of the day you need to do what you feel is best- like you've been doing. I'd love to say I wouldn't allow it- but being that they were going to have sex regardless, I do understand wanting her to feel safe and protected- not doing it in the back of his car or behind your back when your not home. My SD has friends that do that- and it breaks my heart to be frank. Cause their parents have NO clue- so who is there to be honest and open and supportive with them? And many of them started having sex by freshman/sophomore year (so 15-16yrs old). Most of my high school friends where the same. I was the exception- not the rule. So I do know the reality of how it works- not some ideal view I'd *prefer*. If only. 

I will add- that my SD is a good voice of reason for her friends. She encourages them to talk to their parents (most of them feel she's nuts for being so honest with us and even give her a hard time about it- but that doesn't change how she is with us). So I'm very proud of the young woman she's become- I'm sure you are with your daughter as well. :hugs:


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## Seity

Wow, that's tough. I don't think that I would personally allow the boyfriend to be over when we were away. It sounds like she's being as mature as a 15 year old can be about protection and that's a good start, but I think that when my children are older I would encourage abstinence until they are at least in college, while at the same time making sure that the lines of communication are open and they understand about all the various forms of protection, STD's, and the seriousness of being a parent when things go wrong. It's too late to put that metaphorical cat back in the bag in your case.
No, I don't think that I'm being at all naive to think that teenagers are capable of not having sex. My parents never once talked to me about sex or anything even vaguely related to it, like puberty. Luckily for them I was very smart and educated myself. By the age of 12, I knew exactly how a women gets pregnant and exactly how a woman's cycles work. I read about natural family planning. Even knowing all that, just the risk of getting pregnant was enough to prevent me from wanting to have even protected sex until after I graduated college just in case the protection failed. If I wasn't willing to be a parent, I wasn't willing to have sex. I'm sure that I'm not the norm. In fact, my parents complete lack of communication is why my youngest brother became a parent at 18. He wasn't ready, but him and his now wife really stepped up and did their best. They're still together now, but even he admits he was an idiot and wished he'd known better at such a young age.
I guess I just really feel that while you seem ok with the idea of her having sex, I don't think I'd 'encourage' it by allowing him over when you're away. My parents would call that 'playing house' and that phrase just seems to ring a bit too true if you're not there as well.


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## monkee12

I wouldn't condone it myself but that's just my opinion. I'm 30, married 7 years and I still wouldn't dream of having sex at my parents house.

However only you know your daughter, and although it's a very hard situation, only you can decide what is best. I'm glad to see that you have such an open relationship with your daughter. X


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## Abigailly

I was your daughter:flower:

When I was 15 I lost my virginity to a guy I had been seeing for 5 months. We carried on together for another almost 4 years. In the end we just grew apart.

However I lost my virginity in my parents house. And before that I'd spoken to my mum about the fact that I wanted to. I was already on the pill for cramps and then my mum went out and bought a pack of condoms and put them in my en suite.It wasn't her 'condoning' my actions. It was her accepting that I was going about it in a manner that I was comfortable with, so how could she argue with that. How do you tell a 15YO they're not ready when she feels so? 

I think you've done the right thing. I'm not sure how comfortable I would be leaving a 15YO alone, however only you know your daughter. Each 15YO is very different, if you trust her and you believe that you're not in the wrong by doing so then I am in no place to judge.

One thing I would take issue with, and would be very concerned about is the lack of condoms. If they are mature enough to have sex I would buy a few boxes and sit them BOTH down, together and have a chat about it. I may well have been in a mature relationship when I lost my virginty. However I feel pregnant after sex roughly 5 times, with my now husband, while I was on the Depo jag (supposedly the most reliable female contraception). 

It's pot luck. 1 in every 50 on the pill will fall pregnant. Those are fairly high odds. Not to mention the risk of other things. Even in the most mature of adult relationships 'accidents' happen. One slip up from him, just one night out and unprotected sex with someone else and your daughter could end up with a life long, potentially fertility damaging disease. I think, no matter what her age you have a responsibility there. Even now I would expect my mother to have a chat with me about it, if she knew I was having un protected sex. I'd also expect her to send me for and STD check every few months. 

As for the sleep overs I would put a limit on 'only 1 school night' etc. I think if you give it free reign it could be potentially damaging to them. At 15 I remember how intense everything felt. I remember feeling so wrapped up in my BF that I could barely breathe. I couldn't focus else where and I lost a lot of touch with friends etc for a long time. I think you need to set limits so they have breathing space from each other.


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## FAB mama

Hmm&#8230; I am a parent of a toddler and was just glancing through this forum section, but here's my idea:

Have they had any formal sex ed at school? If I remember correctly they had us take tests on the awful disgusting diseases with photos and great detail. That was enough for me. If they haven't gotten it at school, can you go over all of that with them? I'm not saying it'd be easy but maybe it would get them using condoms at least. 

I don't agree with what you're doing but since you're already in this situation then I would do what I can to help it. Have them use the right protection and don't GIVE them opportunities. I wouldn't be going away just for them to have time alone. 

Borrow some babies and have them do some babysitting alone together too. Really, I'm not joking. Get a few hyperactive toddlers also.

I know that completely forbidding these things can also cause problems so I wouldn't take the extreme route in either direction.


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## jd83

My mom raised us this way, giving us this type of "freedom" to be with our boyfriends at home, as she felt it would deter other, less desirable partying, etc. The outcome?

My older sister got pregnant at 17, despite being on BCP, because she wasn't using condoms in addition to the pill, and then struggled so much with the pregnancy and having a baby that she had to drop out of school. She still hasn't managed to finish her GED 13 years later. I know she regrets dropping out of school more than anything, as its really held her back trying to further herself, but she feels like she's stuck in this endless loop now because its been so long that she has forgotten so much of the material to even be able to pass the GED. 

Yes, teenagers are going to be teenagers, and she likely would have just had sex elsewhere if not at home. But I think letting them have sex at home makes it happen more often, rather than the teens having to find opportunities somewhere else. the more often it happens, the higher the risk of something going wrong IMO. I waited until I was 17, and in a committed relationship (with my now husband) before having sex, mainly due to seeing what had happened with my sister and wanting to be more careful. But even being more careful, I was still only 17, and we only used Depo, no condoms. I still could have gotten pregnant, too, as its not 100% effective. No birth control is. 

I think the best approach is keeping the open relationship with your daughter, talking about any concerns, making sure she is using protection if she's going to continue this, etc, but I don't think allowing it to continue in your home is helping anything. Yes, it may be keeping them away from partying or whatnot, but every time they are given more opportunities to have sex, they are just increasing their odds of a teenage pregnancy. What they choose to do on their own is on them, but its on you to teach her to be smart, to use protection, to make wise choices in choosing a partner, to teach about STDs and pregnancy, and to not make it easier for them to have sex. You can't stop teenagers from doing things like this, but you can certainly let them know that you think its something to not be taken lightly.


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## cookette

Everyone is different, but I think back to myself at 15 and this makes me very sad. Like a typical teenager, I thought I had it figured out, thought when a boy said he loved me he meant it and forever meant forever.

I dont agree with how it appears you approve of your child having sex. Especially not of knowingly leaving them alone to play house while you are away for a weekend. 

Im going to leave it at that, as I dont think the meat of my opinions would be welcome, but please please please dont treat your child as an adult and encourage her to follow some boy off to college or make any life based decisions of this one relationship at 15 years old. I dont care how mature she is or how great you think he is, they are kids. Encourage her to decide what SHE really wants in life and if it jives with the boyfriend's path, great. But dont let her get into the mindset of making decisions just to keep a man. 

Good luck.


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## lhancock90

See i keep coming back to this thread and juggling with how id feel but, i met my OH at 16 and 7 years later we are together still, live together, with two kids, are engaged and have only slept together. Sometimes kids do have it all together, some times they dont.


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## Pearls18

lhancock90 said:


> See i keep coming back to this thread and juggling with how id feel but, i met my OH at 16 and 7 years later we are together still, live together, with two kids, are engaged and have only slept together. Sometimes kids do have it all together, some times they dont.

Same with my DH and I, and as I said earlier my brother who got with his girlfriend 9 years ago at 14 they're getting married this year. Also my best friend and her husband got together at 17 (small town :haha:) I guess we're probably the exception to the rule but it shows you can't colour everyone with the same brush, and that different parenting methods will work for different types of teenagers.


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## RachA

It's not just the sex at such a young age that concerns me about this. I know a lot of people don't have an issue with 15yo's having sex but I feel it's too young and in actual fact the fact that they are doing it whilst relying solely on the pill goes to prove that they are too immature. A more mature couple would know that the pill isn't 100% effective and if they didn't want to have a baby then they would use other methods along side the pill. I hate condoms but during periods when I didn't want to become pregnant I used them to make sure we were as effective as possible. 
Obviously though OP is ok with the sex so it would just be premiering more effective birth control that I'd be focusing on. 

The other thing that I'd actually be concerned about the the fact that the OP said that they were obsessed with each other and just wanted to be together. If my child was 15 and had a bf/gf and they only really ever saw each other I wouldn't be overly happy and would be encouraging them to meet up with other friends either on their own or as a couple. It's not natural to be so focused in each other to the exclusion if other friends. I feel safe in saying that every relationship I've seen that's been as focused as that has ended badly and yet at the time everyone said what great couples they were. Ok I don't know exactly what went on in the relationships but from speaking to a few of them it all started to go downhill when they weren't as focused on each other and wanted to spend time with other friends as they assumed it meant that they no longer loved the other person as much as they did. Intensity doesn't always mean that the relationship is good. 
The OP's daughter needs space and time to develop as a person in her own right and not just as part of a couple. I would be actively encouraging my child to be attending a college/university in a different area to their bf/gf so that they could utilise the period away for development. 

Iro the staying over without the parents there-that would be a big no from me up until they were 18 and even then if they weren't able to prove themselves trustworthy then I wouldn't do it. 
I don't know what insurance companies are like in the US but in the UK you actually need to be very careful and read your small print because certain things aren't covered (usually fire/water damage) if you leave a minor overnight in the house alone. 
At 15 we still went in family holidays together and my parents rarely went away on their own except for things like weddings. As my siblings were all older than me there was always an adult present. Until my eldest brother was 18 if my parents had to go away then we stayed at friends or relatives.


----------



## Pearls18

I have to say although I was the one who originally mentioned getting her to use a second form of contraception (although I wasn't having sex at 15) I have always only relied on one form of contraception which was the pill for 5 years from 17 and now the coil, I don't think it is that unusual for people to do so? But I agree at 15 I would be wanting my daughter to be extra safe which is why I did point it out, but I think it's a bit unfair to say it's immature to rely on one form? But I do agree with everything else you say RachA.


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## RÃ³sa

I would not like to see my 15 year old daughter having sex , it would make me feel very sad,...


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## lhancock90

I've always relied on one form aswell.


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## Rainbow2103

A lot of people have got into a "is underage sex acceptable or not" debate which is obviously very controversial and people are going to have massively differing views.

However, I don't think the OP wanted people's opinions on that and more so how much freedom to allow them.

I would say this, if you give her an inch and she takes a mile then reign it in. If she continues to act like a responsible young adult then treat her as such.

15 is an age where you can get VASTLY differing levels of maturity. 

It sounds like they are quite intense for so young though - I'd say you need to impress upon her the importance of maintaining a healthy balance life. She needs to balance school, her boyfriend and her friends and I think that's the most important lesson you can teach her.


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## meli1981

Def agree with above...while it horrifies me to think of my daughters having sex at 15...whats scarrier is the intensity of their relationship. I think op used the word "obsessive"...i would honestly be more concerned about that...


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## minties

I would be totally fine with it myself. I was 15 and my boyfriend was almost 15 when we first had sex. We'd been together for a year, we're very much in love etc etc. We used condoms. I was open with my mum about what was happening.

Mum knew it wasn't a passing relationship and was cool with him staying the night. His parents were fine with it too but for some reason never let me stay there.

We had way more sex during the day than on any of the sleepovers anyway!

We did get engaged but broke up when I had just turned 19 as things didn't work out.

I think it's normal to be totally wrapped up in your significant other during the first year of a relationship. Teenager or not.

The idea that teenagers only have sex in beds at home is laughable. We had sex on the beach, in the park, in his parents garage, swimming pool and spa pool, even once in the toilets at school! Anywhere was fine as long as it was secluded.


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## leahtaba

In my group of six best girlfriends in school. The one with the strictest parents slept with the most guys. Just saying!

OP I personally think that trips away are a bit much until she's slightly older and I would also be encouraging the use of condoms, other than that you and your daughter seem to have a lovely relationship and it's refreshing that she is so open and in turn you are so supportive. Some of these replies have been a bit silly.


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## Missnurse

Just my opinion but I won't be letting boys stay here when my DD grows up. I had the up most respect for my parents and even now I wouldn't have sex under my parents roof of my OH parents roof. My parents were not overly strict but I occasionally asked permission for a boyfriend to stay over and my dad always said no in the nicest way possible and I always respected that and it felt kind of nice as if my dad was looking out for me, his little girl I suppose.

Strangely I had my strongest relationship with my dad, it was him I went to at 16 when I felt ready to go on the pill (I didn't actually lose my virginity until 17/18) but at the time I thought I should out of being sensible. My dad told my mum and I opted for the implant instead (absolutely brilliant at that young age, I was likely to forget the pill!) I also doubled up with condoms. 

Even when I moved back home at 21/22 in a long term relationship he didn't stay over I just felt disrespectful.

I hope to have a very open relationship with my DD and be able to discuss why she should wait till she is 16( or 30 if OH had his way haha) and that she should come to me of she needs BC and try to explain In the nicest way possible why it's a no to boys staying over same goes for DS.

On a side note I wasn't allowed to be left home alone until I was 18! I always had to go on holiday with my parents even when I didn't want to and even at 18 my granny was down every day checking on me haha &#128527;


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## mummylove

Isnt that against the law? If this was a celebrity they would be done.

I wouldnt be happy my daughter have sex at 15


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## lhancock90

mummylove said:


> Isnt that against the law? If this was a celebrity they would be done.
> 
> I wouldnt be happy my daughter have sex at 15

She has already explained the legality behind this if you look back.:thumbup:


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## RaspberryK

Ok I've not read all of the replies, I was left alone from 15 for weeks at a time when my dad and step mum went on holidays. I had a boyfriend at the time, never had a party, but he did stay over after bringing me back from party's while my parents weren't there. 
I then got into a serious relationship at 16 (he was 20) with my now dh and we have been together 10 years. 
I asked my dad about what his thoughts were on staying over etc and he was fine with that (even on school nights) . My dad has always said he'd rather know I was home (or at dh) and safe than out having to find other places like in the back of a car etc. 
He has never been a "not under my roof" kind of guy, he had parents like that and they ended up in more trouble than I ever did. 
I disagree with whoever said the reason op isn't discussing this with friends and family is because they know it's wrong,I acactually think it shows respect for her daughter who's sexual relationship is nothing to do with anyone else. It isn't her information to release. 
I think you're striking the right balance xx


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## sherwood

...


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## mummylove

lhancock90 said:


> mummylove said:
> 
> 
> Isnt that against the law? If this was a celebrity they would be done.
> 
> I wouldnt be happy my daughter have sex at 15
> 
> She has already explained the legality behind this if you look back.:thumbup:Click to expand...


I didnt see that bit


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## emyandpotato

I don't think that whether a parent allows or doesn't allow their child to have sex in their home is in any way relevant to 1) whether they in fact will have sex and 2) what their relationship with sex will be like. It's way more to do with a child's sense of self worth that is instilled in them by their parents. I also don't think that making sex seem like something that isn't okay isn't going to stop a child doing it, only stop them feeling like it's something they can discuss openly. 

OP I don't know what I'd do in your situation but by no means do you sound like a bad parent.


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## Sour_Skittle

Can I just say... I don't want my children to ever become teenagers?

I will be lost. I wasn't typical and I guess you can say I was sheltered/a loner. 
Heart racing at just the thought. Will be clueless! Do what you think is right... I can't judge.


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## NoodleSnack

I find it a bit funny to see people equating respect for their parents with not having sex under their roof. In my culture, the husband moves into the wife's family house and 3 or 4 generations live together. If that's respect, no one except the great-grandparents would be having sex at home. 

OP, I don't see a problem with what you're doing, weeken away included, except about the condom. I would try harder to talk her into using them because of the STD risk.


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## FAB mama

NoodleSnack said:


> I find it a bit funny to see people equating respect for their parents with not having sex under their roof. In my culture, the husband moves into the wife's family house and 3 or 4 generations live together. If that's respect, no one except the great-grandparents would be having sex at home.
> 
> OP, I don't see a problem with what you're doing, weeken away included, except about the condom. I would try harder to talk her into using them because of the STD risk.

I think the difference is that they are unmarried teens as opposed to a husband moving in.


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## NoodleSnack

FAB mama said:


> NoodleSnack said:
> 
> 
> I find it a bit funny to see people equating respect for their parents with not having sex under their roof. In my culture, the husband moves into the wife's family house and 3 or 4 generations live together. If that's respect, no one except the great-grandparents would be having sex at home.
> 
> OP, I don't see a problem with what you're doing, weeken away included, except about the condom. I would try harder to talk her into using them because of the STD risk.
> 
> I think the difference is that they are unmarried teens as opposed to a husband moving in.Click to expand...

No. One poster said she still doesn't have sex in her parents' house and she has two kids. 

I don't think being teens and not married is what makes it different, but whether OP forbid it as a house rule. Personally, I think OP's right to not forbid it if it will just push them to find somewhere else to have sex, but everyone's entitled to their opinions.


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## Missnurse

It was me that said that and I agree with the husband comment, there is a difference between married couples and young teenagers. In some cultures that is forbidden. I am not married yet so that situation has not happened for me yet and hopefully never will as I have my own house, I know different cultures are different and that is fine but where I come from (Scotland) it's down to individual families what they do and I just said what that mine wasn't happy about it. I was simply putting my side across and my opinion. I am entitled to that I think.


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## Gingerspice

I think some of the variance here is the laws in different countries. In the UK it is illegal. The 17 year old could be arrested and charged and put on the sex offenders list. That would limit his career choices a lot.

I'm really not sure what I would do. I think it would depend very much on the specific 15 year old. 
Personally I'd struggle as I'm a christian so have strong views on sex. I did have sex before I was married but we were engaged and I had made that decision that it was ok. Even after years of marriage we fell pregnant while I was on pill and yes it was early and sooner than planned, so that might bother me. As such I think I would struggle with allowing it under my roof. I guess it would very much come down to the individuals and the openness with me about it all. 

I guess i would encourage regular checkups and try to encourage extra care tbh. 

I hope you have come to some arrangement. I definitely would be setting limits on no school nights and not every weekend etc.


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## Missnurse

Ginger spice - this was exactly the view I was trying to get across instead of being shot down as have a ridiculous view of it being disrespectful, that was my individual families view and I respected that.


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## Natsku

I would talk to her (and him as well actually) very seriously about condoms, and buy some and put them in her room too, but otherwise I think you are handling this very well and its great that your daughter is so open and honest with you.

I don't see a problem with you leaving them alone for a few nights at this age if you can trust her (and clearly you can as you already did leave them and it went fine), 15 isn't so young after all.


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## Bumblebee2408

I've not got teenagers however my parents did similar with me I was also on the pill from 14 for medical reasons until I was 16 they wouldn't let a Boyfriend sleep in my room but they could stay over. Once I was 16 they said it was entirely up to me but told me to be careful as my actions would have consequences. 

I'm glad they were more liberal with me I respected them much more for it and I've just had my first baby planned with my husband to be at the age of 23 almost 24. I think them being adult with me about it all made me have a mature out look on things xx


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## minties

Sophie wouldn't be here if I hadn't had sex under my MIL's roof! Glad I did, hehe.


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## FAB mama

Natsku said:


> I would talk to her (and him as well actually) very seriously about condoms, and buy some and put them in her room too, but otherwise I think you are handling this very well and its great that your daughter is so open and honest with you.
> 
> I don't see a problem with you leaving them alone for a few nights at this age if you can trust her (and clearly you can as you already did leave them and it went fine), 15 isn't so young after all.

But to me, 15 IS very young! Where I am you can't really get a decent job, drive a car, find a place to live etc at that age. What do you do if you get pregnant?? That's then the parents (grandparents) responsibility. There's no good public transportation where I am&#8230; how do you take a baby to the doctor? Provide for him/her? I think you should be old enough to at least do those things before having sex. I guess I'm conservative, but that just seems logical to me. There's no fool proof way to prevent pregnancy.


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## morri

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship. If everything works fine for you continue so.


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## Natsku

FAB mama said:


> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> I would talk to her (and him as well actually) very seriously about condoms, and buy some and put them in her room too, but otherwise I think you are handling this very well and its great that your daughter is so open and honest with you.
> 
> I don't see a problem with you leaving them alone for a few nights at this age if you can trust her (and clearly you can as you already did leave them and it went fine), 15 isn't so young after all.
> 
> But to me, 15 IS very young! Where I am you can't really get a decent job, drive a car, find a place to live etc at that age. What do you do if you get pregnant?? That's then the parents (grandparents) responsibility. There's no good public transportation where I am how do you take a baby to the doctor? Provide for him/her? I think you should be old enough to at least do those things before having sex. I guess I'm conservative, but that just seems logical to me. There's no fool proof way to prevent pregnancy.Click to expand...

Well to me 15 isn't young because its only a year away from 16 which is the age some of my brothers left home, the age when some people here move away from home to go to a non-local high school. 15 is when youngsters get their first jobs here.

You don't get many pregnant 15 year olds here though, combination of good sex education and more relaxed attitude towards teens having sex, which means they are more likely to talk to their parents and doctors about it and use contraception properly


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## sethsmummy

Op i think you are doing a fantastic job and i congratulate you on how you've brought your daughter up! She obviously has a very strong bond with you for her to be so open. I really hope that when my boys are that ae i will have the same kind of relationship with them. 

Yes in the uk 15 is underage.. but there are thousands upon thousands of children who are younger than this having sex behind their parents backs. I for one would much rather know my child is having sex and is protected so that if anything does happen they feel comfortable coming to me about it, than them going behind my back lord knows where and having sex without protection because they were too scared to ask. ITs those who think their children are too young and not open enough for their child to talk to who end up with teenage mothers in the majority of cases. At least if you are open to the idea you can coach your child in how to have safe sex! 


My folks went away for a week at a time when i was 15 years old and I was fine. I went to my job, i went to college,.. didnt have any parties etc. My parents were'nt as open and we couldnt really talk to them about anything so my sister and I both had sex behind their backs. 

You are doing a fantastic job hun keep going just the way you are. Anybody who judges you as just plain silly in my books..they dont know your life.. dont know your daughter.. and dont know her bf. And those who have never had a teenager and are being judgemental... they have no right to say anything hun... they have no idea :hugs: xx


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## Foogirl

I would certainly not allow my teenage daughter to have sex under my roof. No matter what the relationship, how mature it seems etc, as far as I am concerned 15 is too young to be in a sexual relationship. If my daughter chooses to do it behind my back, that would be her choice, but by allowing it to happen I would be tacitly condoning it and I would not be comfortable about it at all. In the UK it would be illegal in any case, but even at 16, I wouldn't do it.

I hear the "at least she is under my roof" argument a lot and I just don't get it. How far does that argument go? If she were drinking, would that be ok to allow in the house because then at least she would be safe? Or smoking? Or taking drugs? I believe as parents we have the responsibility to guide them appropriately and letting a child have sex in my house would seem to me like I weren't doing that. Of course, once it's been allowed it is hard to go back on it, but I certainly wouldn't be letting it happen regularly.

One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.


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## sbl

Totally agree with foogirl


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## Missnurse

As do I


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## sethsmummy

Foogirl said:


> One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.

This.. is just rude. Its one thing to comment on the situation.. but you are totally putting her daughter (and partner) down there. You know nothing about her daughter so there is no need to say things like that.


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## RaspberryK

Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what. 
I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one. 
Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility. 
Xx


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## sethsmummy

RaspberryK said:


> Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
> With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what.
> I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one.
> Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility.
> Xx

snap! from the age of 14 we were allowed a drink at new year in the house when my parents had friends over and therefor i knew my limits. I moved out at 17 and NEVER went over my limit and to be honest going out and getting drunk wasnt something i wanted to do.. i went out around 6 times in my life. I will do the same wtih my boys from around 15 so they can learn their limits.


----------



## Foogirl

sethsmummy said:


> This.. is just rude. Its one thing to comment on the situation.. but you are totally putting her daughter (and partner) down there. You know nothing about her daughter so there is no need to say things like that.

Not at all, she does sound like a fairly responsible teenager, and the guy does too. The OP sounds like a good parent, however the point I made about 15 being too young to be in a sexual relationship is reinforced by the fact the girl is not using condoms. For sure she has her reasons, but to me it is an indicator that perhaps they aren't mature enough for the type of relationship they have. I don't see how that is being rude as I don't think any 15 year old has reached that level of maturity.


----------



## Foogirl

sethsmummy said:


> RaspberryK said:
> 
> 
> Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
> With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what.
> I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one.
> Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility.
> Xx
> 
> snap! from the age of 14 we were allowed a drink at new year in the house when my parents had friends over and therefor i knew my limits. I moved out at 17 and NEVER went over my limit and to be honest going out and getting drunk wasnt something i wanted to do.. i went out around 6 times in my life. I will do the same wtih my boys from around 15 so they can learn their limits.Click to expand...

I was never allowed to drink at home, nor was I allowed sleepovers with my boyfriends. When I became old enough to do both I never did either to excess. There was nothing to rebel against in my household either as my parents taught me respect and responsibility and I think that is the key. It's about the values you are raised with, rather than where you are allowed to do stuff. The bottom line is, if a teenager is going to do things which are ill advised, they will do them wherever. This is why for me it comes down to the message I want to send them rather than any attempt to change their behaviour.


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## sethsmummy

its just the way you wrote it hun.


> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

 it comes across as rude. 

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.


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## Missnurse

The same as foo girl just because some teenagers aren't allowed to drink in the house or have sex under their parents roof doesn't mean that every teenager not allowed those things rebelled.

I for one didn't touch a drink till I was 17 but i certainly never hung around street corners drinking or doing other things I wasn't allowed to so just because my parents said no. It's a bit unfair to assume that every teenager who isn't allowed to do certain things goes against the boundaries set out for them


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## Aidan's Mummy

I agree with foogirl on this one. Especially the condom comment as the pill isn't 100% in preventing pregnancy and it doesn't prevent STI's what so ever.

As for sex being condoned at that age in my eyes it's an absolute no, due to my own personal experience. I met my eldest DS's dad aged 13 and we were together for a few years when my mum decided it was best to put me on the pill (aged 15) and allowed me to have sex in her house, as she believed we were in a solid relationship amd mature. I took the pill but aged 16 I still became pregnant, I had my son and me and my then OH stayed together. It was hard, don't get me wrong I love my son and don't regret him one bit BUT if I could turn back time I would wait. Me and his father stayed together until he was 2.5 years old but unfortunately as we grew up and matured it was clear we would not work. Our whole outlook on life changed and we just didn't work anymore. No matter how mature a 15 year old is perceived it doesn't mean they still haven't got a lot of maturing to do and more often than not their outlook on life, views, wants, hopes, dreams and opinions will change. Now I am not saying that no couple who are together that young won't last but it is very hard and often couples at that age grow up and apart. My son now lives 170 miles away from his dad (he moved away) and see's him three times a year. Looking back I was far to young to be involved in such a intense, serious and committed relationship. Therefore due to this I would not allow my daughter or son to have sex under my roof at that age and I would also discourage such a intense relationship. As it can cloud their thinking and I don't believe it is the healthiest thing to have at that age. They have enough hormones raging without adding love into the mix.


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## Bex84

I have to say I agree with foo girl.15 is young, and sure there is mature 15 year olds but I personally wouldent want my daughter at 15 to be in a sexual relationship, its a lot to handle. I grew up in a home where we did not drink, have sex, hang about on street corners, I never did it behind parents back, I am t total, never went crazy at university and the only person I've been with is my husband who I have been together since 19. Its lovely op's daughter has a close relationship with her and I want to foster same with my daughter but I will also not be allowing what I feel is inappropriate under our roof for the thought she would do else where because I don't think that's the case. I would have serious talk about comdoms so as to protect your child's health. There are many 'nice' boys who turn out to be horrible. I saw a friends 'nice' boyfriend completely bail on her as she went through miscaridge when we were 15. Her parents had supported relationship and he turned out to be a horrible piece of work and I have seen friends when younger catch std's off serious boyfriends who were also seen as nice boys


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## Missnurse

I agree with bex 84 and that was what I was trying to get across just because myself, and other posters here, weren't allowed to do things out parents viewed as inappropriate didn't mean we went out and did them anyway and I'm sure plenty of other teenagers respect their parents wishes also


----------



## Foogirl

sethsmummy said:


> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...

Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.

But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.


----------



## NoodleSnack

Foogirl said:


> I would certainly not allow my teenage daughter to have sex under my roof. No matter what the relationship, how mature it seems etc, as far as I am concerned 15 is too young to be in a sexual relationship. If my daughter chooses to do it behind my back, that would be her choice, but by allowing it to happen I would be tacitly condoning it and I would not be comfortable about it at all. In the UK it would be illegal in any case, but even at 16, I wouldn't do it.
> 
> I hear the "at least she is under my roof" argument a lot and I just don't get it. How far does that argument go? If she were drinking, would that be ok to allow in the house because then at least she would be safe? Or smoking? Or taking drugs? I believe as parents we have the responsibility to guide them appropriately and letting a child have sex in my house would seem to me like I weren't doing that. Of course, once it's been allowed it is hard to go back on it, but I certainly wouldn't be letting it happen regularly.
> 
> One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.

If I drink alcohol, I would let my children drink it, starting out with a sip or two if they ask, to teach them how to drink responsibly in social situations. Binge drinking in anglo-saxon countries is awful because some people think they have to gorge as much as possible when they have the chance. Awful way to do it.

Drug and smoking are not to be done at anytime. *Sex is natural and necessary for most people*, so it's better for the parents to know and teach them how to go about it in a safe way, rather than treating it as something that's taboo.

You need to remember that your opinions are not always shared by others. If they were both virgins and they trust the pills then they wouldn't see themselves as not taking responsibilities so it's about changing their outlook not condemning as irresponsible, that would be inaccurate and highly detrimental to a parent-child relationship.


----------



## Natsku

Foogirl said:


> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...

Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).


----------



## Foogirl

Natsku said:


> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...

I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.


----------



## Bex84

Foogirl said:


> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...

I totally agree with this, my parents don't really drink, maybe a glass of wine at Christmas so social drinking was never normalised for me. They stressed importance of relationship and trust (something not covered in school sex education which was about the biology not the emotional consequences), I have never seen my parents drunk and they would never touch drugs. My mum gave up smoking and that in it self set a good example as my mum was very open in that she wished she never started. The biggest thing my parents taught me was to respect myself and things like drinking, having sex etc is not what makes you cool at young age. The thing I want to teach my lo is strength to say no


----------



## Bex84

Maybe I'm just a prude lol, I know people who don't see a difference between kissing and sex. When my daughter is 15 I want her to have lots of friends and if she likes a boy group dates so she can enjoy childhood


----------



## sethsmummy

I think the big thing with making our judgements when our children are younger.. if you are closed off to the idea of being open about these kind of things with your child... we dont know what kind of person they are going to grow up to be, what kind of personality they are going to have etc. xx


----------



## Natsku

Foogirl said:


> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...


Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)

I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.


----------



## NoodleSnack

The evidence from the US is quite clear that "abstinence only education" led to more unprotected sex compared to comprehensive sexuality education. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3194801/


----------



## NoodleSnack

Natsku said:


> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...


I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex. 

It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.


----------



## Natsku

NoodleSnack said:


> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...

Exactly. Well apart from the condom thing, OP needs to cover that subject a bit stronger.


----------



## sethsmummy

Natsku said:


> NoodleSnack said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...
> 
> Exactly. Well apart from the condom thing, OP needs to cover that subject a bit stronger.Click to expand...

you can preach to your children/other people till you are blue in the face... BUT that does not mean they are going to listen to the advice you give them :shrug:


----------



## Aidan's Mummy

NoodleSnack said:


> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...

Having said that I really don't believe a 15 year old is 100% emotionally ready and can be sure she has chosen her partner wisely. As I mentioned before in my own situation. My parents and my self thought I was ready aged 16 and I was responsible. 7 years later my whole outlook has changed. me and my then partner are not together. Yes I have an amazing 5 year old but I am no where near the person I was and neither is he. No 15 year old is truly ready for such an intense relationship when their whole body and brain is still developing IMO x


----------



## NoodleSnack

Aidan's Mummy said:


> NoodleSnack said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...
> 
> Having said that I really don't believe a 15 year old is 100% emotionally ready and can be sure she has chosen her partner wisely. As I mentioned before in my own situation. My parents and my self thought I was ready aged 16 and I was responsible. 7 years later my whole outlook has changed. me and my then partner are not together. Yes I have an amazing 5 year old but I am no where near the person I was and neither is he. No 15 year old is truly ready for such an intense relationship when their whole body and brain is still developing IMO xClick to expand...

My mum married my dad at 16 and they're still together more than 30 years later. I lived oversea away from my parents, made all decisions myself, from younger than that. I wouldn't make a blanket statement. 

We all don't know OP's daughter, she is the one who does, so she's in the best place to make that call.


----------



## jd83

NoodleSnack said:


> Aidan's Mummy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> NoodleSnack said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Natsku said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...
> 
> Having said that I really don't believe a 15 year old is 100% emotionally ready and can be sure she has chosen her partner wisely. As I mentioned before in my own situation. My parents and my self thought I was ready aged 16 and I was responsible. 7 years later my whole outlook has changed. me and my then partner are not together. Yes I have an amazing 5 year old but I am no where near the person I was and neither is he. No 15 year old is truly ready for such an intense relationship when their whole body and brain is still developing IMO xClick to expand...
> 
> My mum married my dad at 16 and they're still together more than 30 years later. I lived oversea away from my parents, made all decisions myself, from younger than that. I wouldn't make a blanket statement.
> 
> We all don't know OP's daughter, she is the one who does, so she's in the best place to make that call.Click to expand...

I met my DH very young as well. I was 16 when we met, and we've now been married for 12 years; got married when I was 18. So, yes, I agree that teens "can" meet someone that young where the relationship just continues to grow and stay healthy. I don't think that's the norm, though. I would absolutely say that's the exception, given most teen relationships. Most are just learning about love, learning about emotions, learning about what they want in a partner. They aren't looking for a life partner at that point, whether they think they are or not. Most teen relationships, in general, do not last, which is why its so important to teach your kids about using common sense, using protection in addition to birth control if they are going to have sex, etc. 

Sure, I'd say most teens in these intense relationships feel ready to be having sex, or they wouldn't be doing it. At that age, its just harder to visualize actual consequences though. Teen pregnancies, STDs, etc I think are concepts that at that age, they just don't think will happen to them. Yes, they realize they are risks, but I think most teens just have that young overconfidence in the world that nothing bad will happen to them. Until it does. Which is why its up to us as parents to do the best we can at educating them on these very real risks. It's also why I feel like I, as a parent, shouldn't condone that type of activity in my home. Condoning it in my home is taking just as much responsibility for the consequences by telling them its okay with you. I want them to make good decisions, responsible decisions, and to respect the wishes I have for in my home. Sure, they may sneak off and do things I wouldn't want them to, but I can only hope I will instill in them the sense to be as responsible as they can be.


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## Aidan's Mummy

NoodleSnack said:


> Aidan's Mummy said:
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> NoodleSnack said:
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> Natsku said:
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> Foogirl said:
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> Natsku said:
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> Foogirl said:
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> sethsmummy said:
> 
> 
> its just the way you wrote it hun.
> 
> 
> if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is
> 
> it comes across as rude.
> 
> yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.Click to expand...
> 
> Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.
> 
> But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.Click to expand...
> 
> Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).Click to expand...
> 
> I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> Casual sex is, I think, even more accepted in the culture here than in the UK, its not considered a big deal at all by most people yet the teen pregnancy rate is so much lower (don't know about the rate of unwanted pregnancies for adults but considered the low rate for teens I'd expect similar for adults) so I really don't think having an open attitude towards casual sex is a problem (in regards to this issue)
> 
> I do agree that leading by example is good though, especially in regards to drinking (binge drinking is a huge issue here too) but its not right to put drinking and sex in the same category - sex, when practised safely, is healthy and important whereas anything beyond very moderate drinking is unhealthy and unnecessary- they just can't and shouldn't be treated the same.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I think the bigger catch here is: how do you model not having sex when most of us do have sex and teenagers know we have sex.
> 
> It's the parameters around having sex that's important. Things like being emotionally ready, choosing the partner wisely and using protection. All of which OP seems to have covered with her daughter.Click to expand...
> 
> Having said that I really don't believe a 15 year old is 100% emotionally ready and can be sure she has chosen her partner wisely. As I mentioned before in my own situation. My parents and my self thought I was ready aged 16 and I was responsible. 7 years later my whole outlook has changed. me and my then partner are not together. Yes I have an amazing 5 year old but I am no where near the person I was and neither is he. No 15 year old is truly ready for such an intense relationship when their whole body and brain is still developing IMO xClick to expand...
> 
> My mum married my dad at 16 and they're still together more than 30 years later. I lived oversea away from my parents, made all decisions myself, from younger than that. I wouldn't make a blanket statement.
> 
> We all don't know OP's daughter, she is the one who does, so she's in the best place to make that call.Click to expand...

That may be and congratulations to them. Although 30 years a long time and a lot has changed including society's views and the age children are still in education. Also I know many other people who have been in relationships young and it hasn't lasted. Her mother may know her well but she is still risking an unwanted pregnancy aged 15 and that IMO is irresponsible. Also my mother knows me well but she assessed my emotional intellegance incorrectly and the relationship. Yes she is on the pill but as my case prices that isn't 100%. At 15 I think the focus should be their education and getting a good start in life. In addition the relationship the OP is describing sounds very very intense, such relationships make it hard to see clearly.


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## Cariad_x

Aidan's Mummy said:


> Having said that I really don't believe a 15 year old is 100% emotionally ready and can be sure she has chosen her partner wisely. As I mentioned before in my own situation. My parents and my self thought I was ready aged 16 and I was responsible. 7 years later my whole outlook has changed. me and my then partner are not together. Yes I have an amazing 5 year old but I am no where near the person I was and neither is he. No 15 year old is truly ready for such an intense relationship when their whole body and brain is still developing IMO x

I had sex just after I turned 15 with my ex. We were together for 8 years and engaged although unfortunately we grew apart and broke up. I have only ever been with him and my current partner. I also know of several couples who have been together since a young age and are now happily married. Some 15 year olds are. Maturity can differ greatly with the individual. 

I personally would press the condom issue more based on the STI factor and doubling up. Purely because accidents can happen and it would be a shame for this to occur. Otherwise I don't see that much wrong with the situation. My family did not allow my ex to stay over and it certainly didn't stop us - we just went elsewhere!


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## MissyMojo

I'm another who met oh as a teen, I was 16 he was 15 we've been together 11.5 years and coming up to our 6th wedding anniversary 

I was on the pill for hormonal reasons at 14,
I had a very open relationship with my mum, we talked about my having sex before I did it,

I was left on my own to look after younger siblings from 16, with oh staying over too.

Only the OP truly know her daughter & the relationship, 
I would also be advising on condom usage and regular check ups with gynae /std screening


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