# on the fence about having children



## l00zrr

hey everyone,

first post and thread here. :] I joined because I wanted to ask all of you, why do you want kids? and are/were you on the fence at one point? How sure are you?

When my husband and I first married we really wanted to have children someday. But as time has gone by we have become more and more unsure, to the point where I could actually live without ever having kids and be completely okay with that. I never thought I'd be that person, the person who chooses or wants a childfree life. I've tried to find information online about pros and cons, but I'd rather hear it from you guys. 

thanks

-l00zrr


----------



## mom2pne

Well, I know from my dh's cousin that she has a busy wonderful life and adding a child to it would alter her plans that she has set up for herself. She can come and go as she pleases, she loves to travel with her bf and she has no regrets about her decision . Her and her BF are in their mid- 40's.

As for me. I have always wanted children. Yes, I get stressed from time to time, but I feel it is so worth it. 

If you feel that you do not want children there is nothing wrong with that at all. I wish you the best!


----------



## Court28

For me its just something I've always known I will do. I can't wait to have a baby to love and nuture and watch it grow up and know that me and my OH MADE that and feel so proud. Its just a part of me I guess!


----------



## angiepie

Yep, I've always known I'd have kids. Same with my OH. Cons I guess are being time poor and no solo time, but if you're organised that's a lot less of a problem. I'm biased thought, so I can only think of pros! Having someone to love and to be loved by them unconditionally. To watch a piece of you grow up in another body. And most importantly to me, to create something with my OH to show how much we love each other.


----------



## rubydoo1

Ive always known I have wanted kids, there was never a moment when I suddenly realised its just something Ive always known I wanted to do :flower:


----------



## nickibrum

Ive always wanted children- even said that i would be a SAHM. But thats changed as I now have a job I love and wouldnt want to give up- plus I dont think we could afford to now to be honest. Were too set in our ways- e.g. how we spend our money. 

nothing wrong with not wanting children at all. Its all about priorities. That may change/compromise like mine have. 

I want to go back to work 3 days a week for the first 3-6 months after ML and then back to being full time. depends on child care really i guess. but I love my job now and i want to be able to spoil LO!


----------



## Pearls18

For me I've just always known, even as a teenager I didn't think 'ergh babies' or anything, I wanted to be a mum, I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to love and neuture a child and I wanted a family life with a husband and 2/3 children, I thought about holidays, Christmas, school days, grandchildren- everything! So when I fell pregnant unexpectantly it was more an issue of inappropriate timing rather than eek do I want a child.

Give it lots of thought but don't feel pressured by society if you don't want children!x


----------



## Liesje

I never disliked children, but never thought we would actually have any of our own just due to our lifestyle... then one day (while on birth control) I discovered I was pregnant LOL
At first I felt really stupid and irresponsible and that I screwed up our relationship but over the past couple of months it's gotten a lot less scary and now it almost feels like it was meant to happen :)


----------



## Mom2mmcjg

I never saw the point of life without children. They are the next generation. I know some people are very happy without children, but for me I couldn't do it. I can't imagine having Christmases without children, being old without having grandchildren, my life ending without a legacy of children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren to carry on.


----------



## Quackquack99

I come from a massive extended family so it was just the norm. In my eyes, I found the right man to start my family with. Its weird during my pregnancy I had some doubts whether I was ready to be a parent but now I am a parent, I knew that I was ready if that makes any sense.


----------



## comotion89

I never wanted kids before but for the past year I have especially working in a nursing home talking to people who wish they had kids now because they're alone no family to look after them it's abit sad, not sayig have kids to look after u when your old lol but its a pro!! plus I need some mini mes running round in the future as I'm
hooing that what they do will be of benefit for the world :D


----------



## bornthiswayxo

I want kids so bad - but not yet. The reason I want them is because I have felt this way since I was about 14... And after becoming pregnant, especially the last time when OH & I tried for the baby, it's hard to accept and come to terms with. I know now that one day I will become a mother to a successfully born baby who's happy and healthy. I feel I am a real family person, so I've always had the family idea in my head. It is something I want more than anything (aside from becoming the wife of my OH), but I am pacing myself and waiting for the ideal time to come about - or close enough lol!


----------



## babyblog

I have felt broody my entire life practically and felt it was the only thing i truly wanted to do in life, so i never had to think about it. I don't people can tell you the pro's and cons, just wait and see how you feel and if it changes x


----------



## chickenchaser

Hi Hun, Before we got married we planned to have children within a couple of years, as the time went by it never really seemed to be the right time and that never really bothered me. We happily spent our time together and never really felt the need for anything else. However as I got older (now 35) and my career/home/holidays etc all got ticked off I started to feel the need again. Now we are frantically trying to sort things out to we can TTC ASAP.

How old are you hun?
If you are still young leave it for a while, you don't have to rush, see how you feel in a couple of years time, and until then have some fun.
Big Hugs to you.


----------



## EmilyCJ

i too have always known i need to have children. i feel like a mum without a baby, as good as my life is i know that i'll never be totally complete until i'm a mother. all of it, the pregnancy, the baby, the child and the adult.

having said this, as this is a forum for ladies waiting to try for their babies we are all going to be keen on the idea of children!! it is a very personal choice and if you and your partner dont feel the need for children then dont have them for the sake of it because people think you should. take your time it doesnt have to be an instant decision, just dont be scared to do what feels right for you. 

good luck and best wishes whatever you decide to do :flower:


----------



## mamaphdtobe

Hi l00zrr, I completely understand where you are coming from. I spent most of my twenties on the fence and weighed the pros and cons until my head spun. I was really unsure, flipping back and forth from wanting to not wanting kids. At one point i was convinced i just didnt have apmaternal instinct and really wasnt a big fan of kids and babies Then about 6 months ago I was late, which was unusual since i was on the pill. When I tested negative I was really surprised at how disappointed I was - I even cried! Since then I've been sure I want kids. 

Why not try flipping a coin? It works not because it settles the question for you but because in the brief moment when the coin is in the air you suddenly know what you are hoping for. 

All the best!


----------



## OliviaRae

Yes I know exactly what you mean. When we first were married, we were to the point where we thought we would never have kids. Maybe because we married so young? (I was 18, DH was 21) I am an only child, and DH has 4 sisters and a brother. It wasn't until recently that I caught "baby fever" :haha: DH has come a long way too. When I first mentioned it to him, (3 months ago now) he was being more than difficult about it. At least lately he's been saying things like "when we have kids..." which is hopefully not too misleading! :blush: 

Anyway, we went from completely not wanting kids at all, to probably wanting kids and I'm fine with where we are now. We still have our days where I'm super broody and he's 'un-broody'? :shrug: lol but we still have a couple years to go so maybe by then we'll be desperate to have kids :happydance:

Good luck!


----------



## l00zrr

MarineWAG & Mom2mmcjg - you're absolutely right about holidays. It is hard to imagine them without a child. But how do you know YOU'RE children will have children? Grandchildren may never happen. Are you ok with that?

comotion89 - One of my worries would be having one of my offspring not benefiting the world, but in reality being a great disservice to the world. Does that worry you? Or are you confident enough in your parenting skills that you know you'll have (had) awesome kids? My parents did a good job, my husband's parents did a... so-so job (to be nice) and he turned out marvelously. But I know other kids who had a similar upbringing to his that did not turn out so well. My aunt and uncle's daughter had a very rough rebellious adolescence and she had a VERY similar upbringing to my own. It feels like there is no guarantee...

chickenchaser - my husband and I are very young. We got married a little over two years ago. Currently I am barely 21, and he's younger than I. So maybe it is our age? We're just so young, it's hard enough just taking care of each other. One of the reasons we are talking about this now is because we wanted to be young parents (before 25). 

mamaphdtobe - Flipping a coin really depends on the day, haha. Some days I can see myself having babies, being a mom, and other days it's like my gawd I should get my tubes tied just in case this BC fails. 

OliviaRae - With my husband and I it's flipped. he's more keen on the idea than I am. But maybe I should be comfortable at where we are and then worry about it later...

Thank you all for replying. I appreciate it greatly. 

-l00zrr


----------



## goddess25

I never wanted children ever. I was very happy with my life, holidays and having money and doing whatever I wanted when I wanted with my husband. 

The inevitable happened I woke up one morning and my biological clock had started ticking... it was the oddest thing. Never believed that it actually happened for some women. I thought about it for a few months before talking to my husband about it as I was secretly hoping that the feeling and the overwhelming need would leave, it didn't. 

Its been a hard journey, I have 2 children a almost 3 year old and almost 1 year old and have had 2 losses which was very hard.

I cannot imagine my life without my babies and I now feel that my life is utterly complete. I have never experienced the bond, the love and the absolute joy that I have with my children. I have lots of friends who have chosen not to have kids and its right for them, but I wish they could feel what I do and now I totally think they are missing out and I want to shout it from the rooftops. Even though I feel that this is my most rewarding and challenging role in life, I would change nothing but its very very hard work. The first time you look at that little face and fully realise that it is you that has to raise them with manners, ethics and turn them into a independent functioning member of society is quite something.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you ;)


----------



## ZubZub

Hey hun

I think you are still very young and no ways should you be forcing a decision on yourselves now. Remember that, as wonderful as children are (I have two), they turn your life completely upside down. So enjoy life a bit, enjoy being with your man and doing stuff that you definitely won't be doing for a long while if & when you have kids. I was married for 5 years before we had our first (I was 28 when ds arrived) and that was a great decision. I don't feel resentment that my "partying days" were cut short, I'm more settled in who I am and more mature in the decisions I make. Don't rush it. A couple more years won't make a difference and you might feel more certain (not that I think you're ever properly ready!!)

Good luck!


----------



## oceania

Hey there. I never thought about kids until I met my husband - it's not like I didn't want kids but it wasn't any important issue in my life, and even while we were just dating and before living together and getting married, it didn't matter that much to me.

I've been married now for 3 months and after our wedding and moving in together, something just changed. It's really weird. We are very happy together but it feels like somebody is missing from our family :baby: I have been very broody but I am doing my master's degree and should finish by Dec 2012 and get a permanent job once I can show my diploma to my employer. So that's one of the reasons I wanna wait, I know money isn't the most important thing in the world but I do want a reasonable level of financial comfort first, and as my husband's field is experiencing a lot of unemployment here in finland (mechanical engineer), it's important atleast one of us has something that can be counted on. I don't think I could concentrate this much on my studies if I was pregnant, have had one MC before and during the pregnancy I was so exhausted I slept like 12 hrs a day, one day I couldn't even get out of bed at all LOL!


----------



## QTPie

I understand what you mean... 

I always just assumed that I would have kids by the age of 30... of course career was going well and I was doing a LOT of sport (international level). We had a very good life together and did lots and lots of things and had a great disposable income. The older you get, the more you enjoy life, the more you enjoy independence and freedome, the more disposable income you have, the more comfortable you get in your lifestyle, the less tempting it is to give it all up! ;)

Eventually we TTC when I was 34 (husband 35) - having been married for 11 years! - and I conceived about 12 months later. Baby was born about a week before my 36 birthday.

What I have found having a baby (especially late in life?):
- my life is so much more fulfilled. I never had an "empty" life beforehand (far from it!), but nothing compares with having a family...
- I have less freedom and doing things on impulse is difficult. However we work things so that I DO still get freedom and "me time". Having a baby is not "the end of your life", but it is a constraint that you need to work things within... Also the first 12 months is the hardest - things fall into place a lot better after that (doesn't get easier, just more predictable and you can work around predictable).
- I love having a child in the house (although it has shown me that I want another one too!): the house is much more "alive".
- having a baby/toddler is hard work and can get "tedious", but it is what you make of it: the right parenting and the right attitude make things a LOT easier. If things are tense around here, it is not LO being naughty, it is me needing to adjust my parenting (go out more, have more patience, do more etc). Children are born with certain characteristics, but they are HUGELY "mouldable" and they are what you make them at the end of the day.
- when I get to 70/80 would I regret missing a promotion in my career, a new handbag or an extra holiday because we had a child or two? I doubt it. If I got to 70/80, would I miss not having children if I didn't....?
- Having children is not always going to be a bed of roses, but you live int he moment and enjoy EVERY smile, every word, every hug, every funny thing they do and hold onto them forever.

Having children is not right for everybody and everybody has to make their own decision. 

Generally it is agreed that people rarely regret the things that they do, but the biggest regrets are the things that they didn't do.

QT


----------



## I Love Lucy

I've always wanted children but I think everyone is different. OH and I are planning our lives so we could have kids. I mean we don't stay out late, don't drink much, etc. so when we do have kids that's not going to be such a big issue. But some people have no desire to have kids. You have to give up a lot of have kids and I think their are many people who don't want to give up that stuff. I don't think there is anything wrong with that so if you and your OH are content not having kids then I see no reason you need to.


----------



## Mom2mmcjg

l00zrr said:


> MarineWAG & Mom2mmcjg - you're absolutely right about holidays. It is hard to imagine them without a child. But how do you know YOU'RE children will have children? Grandchildren may never happen. Are you ok with that?
> 
> comotion89 - One of my worries would be having one of my offspring not benefiting the world, but in reality being a great disservice to the world. Does that worry you? Or are you confident enough in your parenting skills that you know you'll have (had) awesome kids? My parents did a good job, my husband's parents did a... so-so job (to be nice) and he turned out marvelously. But I know other kids who had a similar upbringing to his that did not turn out so well. My aunt and uncle's daughter had a very rough rebellious adolescence and she had a VERY similar upbringing to my own. It feels like there is no guarantee...
> 
> chickenchaser - my husband and I are very young. We got married a little over two years ago. Currently I am barely 21, and he's younger than I. So maybe it is our age? We're just so young, it's hard enough just taking care of each other. One of the reasons we are talking about this now is because we wanted to be young parents (before 25).
> 
> mamaphdtobe - Flipping a coin really depends on the day, haha. Some days I can see myself having babies, being a mom, and other days it's like my gawd I should get my tubes tied just in case this BC fails.
> 
> OliviaRae - With my husband and I it's flipped. he's more keen on the idea than I am. But maybe I should be comfortable at where we are and then worry about it later...
> 
> Thank you all for replying. I appreciate it greatly.
> 
> -l00zrr

We have 5 children (hoping for a sixth) so I'm pretty sure at least ONE will decide to have children of their own. :haha: But you're right, there are no guarantees. Even if my holidays don't include grandchildren, I will be thankful for all the holidays spent with my children. 
There aren't any guarantees that your children will make good choices as adults either. All we can do is train them up right. In my case we do everything we can to make sure they know the difference between right and wrong, make sure they know about Jesus and show them how important loving, knowing, and serving Him is. The Bible says if we train up our children in the way they should go than when they are old they will not depart from it. For us that includes homeschooling so we are the #1 influences in their lives. If, having done all I know to do, my children still choose to make bad choices, then I'll pray. And that's all that can be done. I believe my children will be a huge asset to the world, so I treat them as such.

And we all have days where we think about getting our tubes tied. I have days when I wonder what I was thinking having all these children. :nope: But then do something incredibly smart, or sweet, or funny and remember what a blessing they are. Even if I'm not the mom I want to be, God brought them into this world to be a blessing, and they are. :kiss:


----------



## Liesje

l00zrr said:


> MarineWAG & Mom2mmcjg - you're absolutely right about holidays. It is hard to imagine them without a child. But how do you know YOU'RE children will have children? Grandchildren may never happen. Are you ok with that?
> 
> comotion89 - One of my worries would be having one of my offspring not benefiting the world, but in reality being a great disservice to the world. Does that worry you? Or are you confident enough in your parenting skills that you know you'll have (had) awesome kids? My parents did a good job, my husband's parents did a... so-so job (to be nice) and he turned out marvelously. But I know other kids who had a similar upbringing to his that did not turn out so well. My aunt and uncle's daughter had a very rough rebellious adolescence and she had a VERY similar upbringing to my own. It feels like there is no guarantee...
> 
> chickenchaser - my husband and I are very young. We got married a little over two years ago. Currently I am barely 21, and he's younger than I. So maybe it is our age? We're just so young, it's hard enough just taking care of each other. One of the reasons we are talking about this now is because we wanted to be young parents (before 25).
> 
> mamaphdtobe - Flipping a coin really depends on the day, haha. Some days I can see myself having babies, being a mom, and other days it's like my gawd I should get my tubes tied just in case this BC fails.
> 
> OliviaRae - With my husband and I it's flipped. he's more keen on the idea than I am. But maybe I should be comfortable at where we are and then worry about it later...
> 
> Thank you all for replying. I appreciate it greatly.
> 
> -l00zrr

Just by thinking about these things, you're ahead of probably about 70% of people who seem to have kids for no reason other than they're looking for a pet (they can usually be distinguished by the silly toddler names they give their children lol)... 
As you said, you guys are still pretty young, life is still exciting and you don't know what to do with yourself (I myself could have never pictured at 21 what my life would look like today, what a boring life that would have been :dohh:) but as I started getting older, the things that were once exciting and awesome were becoming more and more pointless and without someone to hand it all down to and life experiences became more and more demotivating. 
Just a few weeks ago my dad wrote me an email of how happy he is, that he now feels "successful" in life that it was all for a purpose... not just to "come and go" without anyone ever remembering him (he's quite accomplished and educated so it wasn't like he was a useless waste of space to begin with)... 
I completely understand your concern (my term for it was "braindead baby-machines whose only purpose in life is to procreate")... but not all of them are like that :)
...Take a look at the biography oh Steve Jobs... It's really interesting ;)


----------



## chickenchaser

chickenchaser - my husband and I are very young. We got married a little over two years ago. Currently I am barely 21 said:

> I think you have just answered your own question. If you have got to the point where you have decided that you want your children young then yes you do want children. I think what you really need to ask is if this is so why are you questioning it?


----------



## Pearls18

l00zrr said:


> MarineWAG & Mom2mmcjg - you're absolutely right about holidays. It is hard to imagine them without a child. But how do you know YOU'RE children will have children? Grandchildren may never happen. Are you ok with that?
> 
> comotion89 - One of my worries would be having one of my offspring not benefiting the world, but in reality being a great disservice to the world. Does that worry you? Or are you confident enough in your parenting skills that you know you'll have (had) awesome kids? My parents did a good job, my husband's parents did a... so-so job (to be nice) and he turned out marvelously. But I know other kids who had a similar upbringing to his that did not turn out so well. My aunt and uncle's daughter had a very rough rebellious adolescence and she had a VERY similar upbringing to my own. It feels like there is no guarantee...
> 
> chickenchaser - my husband and I are very young. We got married a little over two years ago. Currently I am barely 21, and he's younger than I. So maybe it is our age? We're just so young, it's hard enough just taking care of each other. One of the reasons we are talking about this now is because we wanted to be young parents (before 25).
> 
> mamaphdtobe - Flipping a coin really depends on the day, haha. Some days I can see myself having babies, being a mom, and other days it's like my gawd I should get my tubes tied just in case this BC fails.
> 
> OliviaRae - With my husband and I it's flipped. he's more keen on the idea than I am. But maybe I should be comfortable at where we are and then worry about it later...
> 
> Thank you all for replying. I appreciate it greatly.
> 
> -l00zrr

Lol of course there are no guarantees that I'll have grandchildren, I'd never pressure my children, it would be lovely if we did and I guess most people do, but at least if they don't they'll have all the time in the world to look after us in our old age ;)

As others have said you're still so young, I think it's normal and quite frankly great that children aren't on your mind yet, enjoy your time together and just see where life takes you. It may be the natural next step, or you may never want to, just don't over think it- that's the beauty of youth :flower:


----------



## l00zrr

Thanks everyone. :]

I feel much more relaxed about having kids/not having kids. My husband and I talked and he said he would always choose US over children anyways. My anxiety about this is much less profound. We've placed it in God's hands and now will simply enjoy marriage/life/adventures for the next couple years.

I love this forum! You guys are all so wonderful. :cloud9:


----------



## clarsair

I never wanted children and was seriously worried DH would leave me over it (he wouldn't of course!), I just didn't see the appeal at all - all that responsibility, financial burden, end of your life etc. 

But, I gradually warmed to the idea and now would love to have 3/4. I've never felt that overwhelming 'need' though as some women do.


----------



## Annie77

I always wanted to be a mum and didn't want to wait too long before having a baby. I can honestly say having my family hasn't stopped me doing anything that I wanted to do. I have been promoted 3 times since having my 1st child 8 years ago, despite only wokring part-time, we travel during school holidays, go camping with newborn baby, still have a great social life thanks to my supportive family and now we have taken the monumental step in becoming respite foster carers for disabled kids.

I think a big issue these days is that there is so much people want to do without children, that they put off having kids till they have ticked off their list, then out the blue realise they want a baby. A lot of people are in their 30's and 40's by then and even if they are not so set in their ways, a baby may prove difficult to conceive.

After years of doing their own thing, suddenly the one thing they now want is impossible or very difficult to obtain.

I have three cousins who all felt happy without kids then afte years of concentrating on careers, travel and living life to the full they just got clucky. 2 have managed to have a child but ulikely to have a second due to their gae and the other one is going through ivf due to early menopause.


----------



## TaraxSophia

When i was younger i never really wanted kids, but when i found out that i was pregnant at the age of 16 i knew that i wanted to keep him/her and now over a year on, i have a beautiful daughter to show for it. I wouldn't swap her for the world! :) trying for another soon! Fingers crossed for boy... :baby:


----------



## QTPie

I was thinking about this thread a couple of days ago.

I think that having kids or not having kids is very similar to being in a relationship or being single. Ok there is a lot more responsibility towards kids than towards your OH - so it is different in many respects...

But as a very happily married woman (been married for 14 years, been together 18). I really wouldn't wouldn't want to be without OH or be single again. The same with having a child: there will always be ups and downs, but my life is so much richer, more doors open to me and I feel like part of a much bigger whole than just myself alone.

Children aren't for everyone (just like some people stay single for life or never meet "the one"), but I am definitely a "better off" person for having a child.

QT


----------



## l00zrr

QTPie - I keep coming back to this thread... heh... I feel so divided on this issue. One night I will spend an evening on BNB and the next on a childfree blog. 

I can see where your coming from (being single versus being with Husband). But I would have NEVER gotten married if it were not for him. He is my one and only - meaning if something does happen to us (God forbid unexpected death or divorce) I'd be single until the end of my days. 

Mayyybe that's how I will feel about my children (big if here)? I know I will love them if I have them. and I know I will do my damn best to be a good mom too. I'm just scared about regret. I've read a lot of blogs/forums where mothers lament - if they would do it over again, they would not have children. I'm afraid that might be me.

On an ironic note - my period is nine days late... and therefore I have been thinking about this more and more as each day goes by with no monthly visit...


----------



## whiby

Hi l00zrr, 
Any updates?
:)


----------

