# Pregnant after recurrent miscarriage and stillbirth or neonatal loss? Join me here!



## Tasha

Hiiiiiiii!

I think it's a pretty unique situation to be in, so I thought we could have a thread to offer support to one another! 

I will start with my story (as quick as I can).


Spoiler
I've had two babies born healthy, then a stillbirth at 36+6, another baby born healthy, seven first tri loses, a stillbirth at 24+3 and nine first tri loses.

I'm now 17+6 with 'Rudolph' :haha:

Feel free to share your story (or not).


----------



## Tia30

Hi Tasha, 

Great idea for a group. 

I'll second with my story. I've had three 1st trimester miscarriags, one midtrimester loss and my daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks in June 2014. No living children. (I don't know how to do a spoiler so apologies) 

I am now 22 weeks pregnant, excited but scared.

xxx


----------



## Tasha

Hiya Tia.

So glad you joined me, I was worried about talking to myself :haha:

I only spoilered because my history usually is long but did the short version today.

I'm sorry for your loses :hugs:

How are you doing today? It must be getting tough as you get closer to when your little girl was born sleeping?

I think we will both hit that point (well my second little stillborn girls dates) as for me that's 24 weeks (although she slowed down with her growth between 16+5 and 21 weeks but not sure when exactly) and that's mid-March I am 24 weeks (hopefully) and around the same time you're 28 weeks I think.

Are you being looked after?


----------



## Hope39

Hello girls

I also think this is a fab idea :)

My story so far is 6 first trimester miscarriages and then my son isaac Lucas was born at 27w due to a placental abruption. My little man had been starved of oxygen for too long so we switched his life support off 2 days later 

I am currently pregnant again, wish I could say 8th time lucky but due to a bit of spotting any little bit of hope I had is fading. IWill be 6w tomorrow x


----------



## Hope39

cant believe your nearly 18w Tasha, it's flying by

Tia you only have a few more weeks till your little (or big) hospital stay is here :)

Oh I forgot to spoiler too xx


----------



## Tasha

*waves* hiiii hope. 

Don't worry about the spoilering, it's just I'm use to it because if I write each individual pregnancy it is like a novel, so habit more than anything :haha: 

I have everything crossed that this is nothing but normal instead of something to worry about :hugs:

I know right? It is going in a blink of an eye. Scary.

I wish we all had a fast forward button though x


----------



## Hope39

Fast forwarding to 36w would be pretty cool, or just going to sleep and waking up at 36w would do even , lol


----------



## Tasha

Snap :haha:

IS the spotting staying the same?


----------



## Hope39

Yeah it's not really spotting today, toilet paper is a bit tinged brown, only very lightly

Maybe it's implanted near my scar which wouldn't be a good thing either :(


----------



## Tasha

Maybe or maybe you are just spitting as normal pregnancy bleeding because this journey isn't stressful enough for you? :haha:


----------



## Hope39

It's just dawned on me, our names all begin with T!! X


----------



## Tasha

:haha:


----------



## Tia30

Hey to you both, 

Sorry for delay in getting back to you. My mother wallpapered a feature wall in my house, as I'm not allowed to do anything and my other half isn't very good at diy!!

Tasha - they are looking after me, being very cautious which is good. But I still find you have to push a lot for what you need. There has been no support in terms of my emotional wellbeing but I guess I can be a bit closed off at times anyway. I'm struggling with the date approaching but trying to think differently but it's hard. The day Laurie died and her birth is replaying in my head a lot lately. 

Hope - yep not long til they admit me. I fully expect it to be really hard but it will be worth it in the end if I get to bring her home. 

I'm so pleased we all all here pregnant again after so much tragedy in our lives. 

Tasha - things seem to be going so well with Rudolph. Are you getting all the support you need? 

Hope - I know you will be really freaking out right now as I was there with spotting in the beginning as you know. It drives you to despair but it doesn't always mean the end. I know you are one strong lady. 

As for me, it's still one long day at a time. I would love to press fast forward for us all. Xxx


----------



## Tia30

:hugs:


Hope39 said:


> It's just dawned on me, our names all begin with T!! X

:happydance:


----------



## Hope39

Even freakier, my cousin that had her stillborn last year name also begins with T!

Too many t's for my liking

Anyway, I'm off out to a 60th bday party so have a nice evening ladies xx


----------



## Hope39

Home already 

I couldn't be doing with the girl sat opposite me rubbing her pregnant belly , especially when my brown tinge is now pink 

Tia what was your spotting like, was it every time you wiped?

Xx


----------



## Tasha

Oooooh what paper Tia?

I'm glad you will be admitted. I think it will give you more support and hope. And that they're looking after you.

Not really at the moment. I'm sort of in that limbo between recurrent miscarriage care and stillbirth care. It sucks but if I can get to twenty weeks the care picks up :)

Hope don't be freaked out by all the T's, my name doesn't begin with one. How's the spotting this morning?


----------



## Hope39

Oh yeah, forgot yours is really an N!

It's not pink today, back to brown but I'm sure it becomes pink when I've been up on my feet. I sat on my backside all day yday till we went out and that's when it became pink . I'm glued to the sofa again today, which means Adam has to do the food shopping and everything else, mwah ha ha. I could get used to this 

Xx


----------



## Tasha

:rofl: you really should!


----------



## Tia30

Just some Laura Ashley one, I swear you change one thing in a house then you end up changing kt all. 

Mine ranged from orange, pink to brown mucousy crap and it was there off and on for about two weeks, between week 5-7. It drove me nuts! I was checking myself constantly. 

Hope you're both feeling good today. 

Baby has been quieter the last couple of days which always has me on edge. I know it's normal at this stage. 

I also jusy got into an argument with my partner. He saw his friends mum in a shop and I hung back while he said hello. I don't want to discuss the baby with people. They said hello and asked when I was due but he said they could tell I was being rude and didn't want to speal to them. So he got annoyed at me. I don't feel comfortable with some people. I need to get used to it and try to be more in control and get a grip. People are just being nice but I just struggle as I'm more obviously pregnant. It brings attention and questions I don't always want to answer. 

People prob think I'm a moody crabby bitch!!! 

Xx


----------



## Tia30

Hope39 said:


> Oh yeah, forgot yours is really an N!
> 
> It's not pink today, back to brown but I'm sure it becomes pink when I've been up on my feet. I sat on my backside all day yday till we went out and that's when it became pink . I'm glued to the sofa again today, which means Adam has to do the food shopping and everything else, mwah ha ha. I could get used to this
> 
> Xx

I noticed that the more I did the worse it was. I almost think that movement makes it come out a bit quicker. Feet up and let Adam pamper you! :thumbup:


----------



## Hope39

That was what I was thinking, yday I was on my backside all day, as soon as I was up to have a bath and get ready to go out to the party, it became pink, it's as if the movement is making it work it's way out hence why I am on my backside again today 

I feel a bit better about it because it sounds similar to your bleeding but still prepared for the worse 

Did you have stringy bits of like old blood ?

I wouldn't worry to much about what other people think hun, I've spent nearly all my life worrying about what other people think and not upsetting them, that all changed after isaac . You do what feels right for you xx


----------



## Tia30

Hey Hope, 

Yeah had the stringy bits which is why I worked myself up into such a state about it all. 

When I had that in the past (without the aspirin/cyclogest) things got worse. 

But with Laurie and this time it was fine, no explanation for it from the docs. No bleeds visible from a scan. It was just so bloody distressing xxx


----------



## Hope39

I hope that's how it is for me too then :)

X


----------



## Tia30

How are things today Hope? X


----------



## Hope39

Don't ask

nothing all day really, I went to work and made sure I sat down as much as I could, the last hour or so I had to keep getting up and asking questions, nipped to loo as I left and lots of pink/brown, more than there was Saturday night so I'm back on the sofa with my feet up x

How are you today x


----------



## Tia30

Oh no... that's exactly what used to happen to me. One day I was rushing around taking the dog to the event and had lots after that. The next day I stayed in bed. 

Am ok, was getting a bit worried as baby has had a quiet few days but she was very active today which was better. 

Try and do nothing. Very hard, I've pretty much been sat on my arse for over 5 months. It's getting massive!!!

Keeping everything crossed for Wednesday. Xxx


----------



## Tasha

Sorry girls having a bit of a busy time with my oldest.

Stay on those bums girls :haha:

How is everything else with you two?


----------



## Hope39

I'm defo staying on my bum. It's a bit if a wake up call for me, I've got to let Adam do everything and rest , mwah ha ha 

Hope M is ok Tasha , I noticed on fb he not having a good time of it bless him 

Xx

Xx


----------



## Hope39

I've sat down all day and now on sofa chilling, no pink today , woop woop x


----------



## Tasha

Yay Hope! 

How are you today Tia?


----------



## Hope39

Morning ladies 

Tia - how you Bearing up? Your getting close to that hospital stay now 

Tasha - your half way too, wahoo hoo hoo :) 

I'm 1/6 of the way thru, pmsl x


----------



## Tasha

That's fab, hope. That changes very quickly for you at the moment, some point next week it's 1/5 for you and towards the end of the following week it is a quarter. Nice milestones :)


----------



## Tasha

How are you both?


----------



## Hope39

I'm feeling a little nervous :) x I need to get my butt in gear as I'm half dressed and have to be at hospital in 45m

Tia - hope your ok, you've been quiet 

Xx


----------



## Tia30

Hey,

Been a bit off the radar, feeling quite negative about things so trying not to spread it on. 

The days are long and am so restricted all I can focus on is that things will go wrong. Trying to distract myself but find the thoughts are quite intrusive. 

Doc is keeping me hanging about what he intends to do with me at 26 weeks. Had my bile acids tested again yesterday. They want me to have two weekly bloods but I want them to watch my level on a weekly basis so they can get on top of any elevation really early. 

Another scan next week and seeing him too, will be hitting 25 weeks then. The anxiety is intense. My heart rate is 118 at most appointments but the consultant says it's ok. It's usually about 80 bpm at rest. Sure they know best I guess!! 

Good luck with the scan today Hope, keeping all crossed for you.

Things looking great Tasha - brilliant stuff xxx


----------



## Tasha

:hugs: Hope, we are thinking of you.

:hugs: Tia, I'm sure the thoughts are bound to be there given that you are getting closer and closer to your dates.

It's really unfair if your doctor to leave you hanging like that.

It does seem to be going well but as I've not had growth properly checked since 13 weeks, it's scary. I'm also having some fears, I feel like the kicks aren't as strong as they were, maybe because it's changed position but it scares me because RR's kicks weren't strong and in my head it means IUGR x


----------



## Tasha

How are you both?


----------



## Hope39

Hi tash

I'm good, busy day working today trying to get a client up to date . I feel shattered!

TIa I didnt reply the other day, don't go off the radar hun, I think we are all suffering from negativity so don't worry about it spreading

Has your consultant said any more? When is your scan

Tasha when is your next growth scan x


----------



## Tasha

It's on the 11th March, my parents 37th wedding anniversary. Weird how these scans keep falling on special dates, my anomaly scan this week was on the anniversary of my uncles death. The following one is at 24+3, the gestation RR was born at. 

Did you get the work done?

Tia how are you doing? 

I've had a scan Tuesday, Wednesday was consultant and today was vbac clinic. Tomorrow I'm in for iron infusions. Zzzzzzz.

I'm struggling with where I fit on the forum, I don't want to bother the July girls with my worries and I feel pretty much that you two are the only people who get it. This is a crap journey eh?


----------



## Hope39

I got most of it done 

I wish that none of us 'get' it. I've been ok on these early weeks apart from when I had the bleed , I think my anxiety will notch up a gear second tri

Xx


----------



## Tasha

I wish we didn't either. It's crap and lonely.

Yeah I'm definetly finding the closer I get to 24 weeks the anxiety is picking up, I get past RR's dates and then H's begin. 

How many weeks are you now hun?

Tia do you have any scans coming?


----------



## Hope39

I'll be 9 wks on Sunday x


----------



## Tasha

It's going so fast to me. That's 1/4 of the way! :dance:


----------



## Tia30

Hey to you both,

Sorry for slow response, I hadn't checked the thread in a while and then every time I tried to post yesterday it kept booting me off. Here's hoping it doesn't do it again at the end.

So I had a scan last Thursday and all looked good. She was just under 2lbs at 24 + 4 (or 3). Next scan is not until the 16th but I feel it's too far away given the stage I a, at. My bile acids came back at 6, although my consultant said screening doesn't really tell them much and they can shoot up quickly. It's not a gradual increase which makes it harder to manage. He says he is making a decision about the next stage on Wednesday when I see him again. Not sure what to do for the best. If i can't have ctg monitoring as it's too early I'm not sure how useful it will be to go in and stay for them to just listen in with a Doppler. I would like the blood test twice a week so if it does go up I can start treatment but he seems to think weekly is enough. I don't agree. 

Anxiety levels are through the roof, I know exactly how you feel Tasha. I am not really sleeping much and am them exhausted all day. 

Can't believe you're 9 weeks already Hope, seems to have flown in!!

I also know what you mean about not knowing where you belong in this forum. I can't bring myself to post on the Parl thread. I read but I've found some of the discussions of late about miscarriage vs stillbirth/neonatal loss a bit insensitive. I know it wasn't framed like that but I don't think you can compare the losses. Having being on both sides of the fence, the trauma of losing Laurie far exceeds any early loss I have ever had. I wouldn't say that there though, because loss is so personal. But when you say losing a baby you gave birth to or sat with for weeks in NICU is the same as early miscarriage I do think it is a very naive statement to make, and one only someone who hasn't experienced it would make. Loss is so crazy isn't it, but the trauma and baby loss through stillbirth and neonatal loss leaves your life ripped apart, just as it would for any mother to lose a child. Losing the hope of a child is different to facing the reality of losing and burying a child. Our babies are our children, who kicked us for months, who we knew, who we laboured for or had our tummies cut open for. They are why we produced milk to feed them and had stones worth of weight to lose. Who we had to register a birth and a death for. Who we ached for from the bottom of a very very dark place, when you think you might have died yourself. I remember heartache at my early losses but I know the brutality of what happened with Laurie will never leave me, and whilst having another baby is all I desire I certainly know it won't heal my heart or the want that will never leave me for her to be with me and not in her little coffin in the cemetery. 

I feel like we scare those women who don't understand. I know I don't belong there. I don't care if my breasts are different after a miscarriage. Mine were certainly different once they produced milk. I can't worry about that stuff. It seems too trivial. But I feel bad for feeling that those chats are too trivial for me. 

The day Laurie died was the worst day of my life, and I've had a colourful life. But that day, is a day that changed me forever. 

Sorry to sound so miserable girls xxx


----------



## Tasha

Huge :hugs: Tia. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. On Wednesday explain that even if it isn't medically needed in his view, it is his job to care for your mental health too and twice a week is what you need.

Does Hope have you on fb? If so she can start a conversation with both of us in and we could chat more privately there? 

Happy nine weeks hope xx


----------



## Hope39

Awe Tia you put that all so perfectly, I'm crap with wording things 

My early losses were devastating but I coped with the early losses, losing isaac did rip mine and OH life apart , it's still ripping us apart now, as did you for losing Laurie and Tasha for losing Honey & RR

Xx


----------



## Hope39

Yes I'm friends with you both on FB x


----------



## Tia30

Sounds good to me. 

It's hard to rebuild your life after these things, but you do, somehow someway. 

My mums coming with me on Wednesday as partner is too busy. She will ask a million questions which is good. He says he knows he isn't being very supportive but he just got too hurt last time so is struggling. Xx


----------



## Hope39

It's a slow build though isn't it 

There are now days when I crack a smile or find myself laughing and then there is the dark days too where I wish it was all a dream and I didnt have to have this pain in my heart for the rest of my life 

It is hard for the men, Adam is quite supportive though. He wants to come to every flaming appt where as I wish he wouldn't. Lol. I think I've talked him out of coming to the midwife booking in, he has a habit of waffling and talking about other things so we end up there twice as long 

Xx


----------



## Tia30

It definitely is Hope, and so few people understand. 

My OH was so angry the day Laurie died that he got into a row with the midwives. They were bwing super defensive as he was questioning how this could have happened within hours of being given the all clear. They wrote some things in my notes about it which really upset him, I had only noticed it lately. He really can't stand them now which makes it quite hard. Xx


----------



## Tasha

Matt did the same Tia, he was furious that they handed me a scan report saying fetal demise two weeks before, we'd had a scan six days before and ctg three days before! That was the hospital Honey was born at, we didn't go back there after. We use the same hospital Riley was born in and he can't come face to face with the man who took me off the blood thinners.

I forgot to say before holding your baby, burying it changes everything doesn't it?


----------



## Hope39

Hey ginny - I see you lurking !

Hows little William doing x


----------



## Hope39

Had my scan today girls and all is good still, very strong heart and a little wriggle too

Measured me at 8w 4d

We questioned the sonographer about the consultants comment in weekly scans, she is also in agreement it's complete nonsense 

They tried to make me wait 2 weeks for a scan so off Adam started with the nurse! Next scan is in 10 days x


----------



## Tasha

Fabulous news Hope :)

They're so difficult aren't they? Is that next Wednesday or Thursday?


----------



## Hope39

It's next Thursday, she did try for Friday but seeing as it's Friday 13th I declined :)


----------



## Tasha

Don't blame you!

My cervix scan is Monday and growth scan Wednesday.

Tia when did you say you saw your doctor?


----------



## Tia30

Don't blame you either Hope, I am a little superstitious about those things. 

Counting down days to my scan. Have a pain in my stomach (left side) today. If it doesn't go in a couple of hours am gonna call my doc. 

Not long Tasha, my cervix length has been good on scans and stitch is looking ok too. Just hope those infections stay away.


----------



## Tia30

Tasha said:


> Matt did the same Tia, he was furious that they handed me a scan report saying fetal demise two weeks before, we'd had a scan six days before and ctg three days before! That was the hospital Honey was born at, we didn't go back there after. We use the same hospital Riley was born in and he can't come face to face with the man who took me off the blood thinners.
> 
> I forgot to say before holding your baby, burying it changes everything doesn't it?

It does indeed Tasha, such a messed up situation. I just wantes to run out the door wirh her. Kept expecting her to cry. The silence is deafening. We looked over every inch of her. She was perfect. Makes you feel like you're burying your own heart xx


----------



## Tia30

Tasha said:


> Don't blame you!
> 
> My cervix scan is Monday and growth scan Wednesday.
> 
> Tia when did you say you saw your doctor?

Saw him last Wednesday and seeing him again Wednesday x


----------



## Tasha

:hugs: Tia. I'm so glad that you looked at all of her, I didn't with Honey and regret it so much but no one guided me and since then I've recommended to all mums going to meet their angel that they do. I did with Riley Rae and so glad I did. The silence is deafening. I wanted to run with their coffins when we were on the way to the cemetery.

Not long, I hope he agrees to what you want x


----------



## Tasha

How are you both today?


----------



## Hope39

Yep I'm ok thank you :)

Trying to get some work done as I got a midwife appt tomorrow and then mega Clean Up as a couple of b&b girls are coming for lunch thurs (AndreA and deb)

Love it when i meet them pair

Next year we must meet up with our rainbows , and you Tia :)


----------



## Tia30

Hey both, 

Am ok, a little worried about babies movements being different but think she has changed position again. 


Tried to change my scan at they were meant to be every two weeks but they've been more like every three weeks, and with my date approaching I wanted one before in line with the agreed timeframes. So I rang to change but got told it wasn't possible. So my OH rang and went mad ans they are now calling tomorrow to get one arranged for next week. 

I went and bought some little outfits cos I wanted to do something positive. Like if I do positive things then she will be here. 

Hope the midwfe appointment goes welk Hope. 

How are you both feeling? Xx


----------



## Hope39

Aww that's nice you bought something, Tasha managed to buy something too the other day

I will buy a couple of outfits for whilst I'm in hospital and a car seat to get it home and that's it . Adam will have a big List of stuff to buy.

I'm definitely not buying a pram and my friend has given us a cot, Moses basket and bedding Etc which will be stored at Adams mums 

Too far away for me to even think about it yet anyway, I'm scared of jinxing it

X


----------



## Hope39

My endocrinologist rang today as I left a message to say I was pregnant 

She asked if i was still going to be under same obstetrician so I've told her no and who I will be seeing. She works closely with this new one in diabetes clinic and has said she is very nice, she should step up my care but If she doesn't then I'm to let her know and she will ensure it gets done 

I mentioned to her I think I come in for a hospital stay (depending how I am mentally) and she said it should be no problem :)

I could foresee that being a problem so I'm making sure everyone knows in advance 

Xx


----------



## Tasha

Fabulous they're coming for lunch. I'm so glad your endocrinologist will help, always good to have extra person on your time.

I don't believe in jinxing, Honey and Riley Rae were the only two I didn't buy for, it's more the idea of taking everything back :(

Tia, in so glad that it's going to get sorted but ridiculous that your OH had to kick up a fuss. What did you buy? I got a hungry caterpillar baby grow with vest and bib.


----------



## Tia30

Just bought her a little romper, couple of babygrows, hat, mits and some bibs. Just so cute. Wasn't sure of the size though as she'll be early so got one tiny baby and the rest newborn. Tiny baby is for up to 7.5lbs. I can't imagine her being bigger being 3-4 weeks early. 

That's exactly why I don't like buying, the taking back part. The only other thing I will get will be her car seat and a breast pump. I want to breast feed so want to have it covered. My boobs are leaking water already (yuck). So I think my milk will come in again, just hope she takes to it ok.


----------



## Tasha

Sounds adoreable. I picked tiny baby as all of mine have been fairly small and the furthest I go is 37 weeks. Good to have a mix though! 

Leaking already, yikes :) it's good though (well not for you but body getting ready).


----------

