# Is a curfew really too strict??



## wamommy

My stepdaughter is 16, and gets great grades at school. She doesn't get in trouble, but is terribly disrespectful and rude to me and her father. We try to give her SOME leeway because she does well in school, but feel that we have to have some boundaries to keep her on the right track. We have given her a curfew, and told her that if her respect for us improves and she is more willing to help around the house we may extend it. We also don't let her run around the neighborhood after dark (we're in the city, so it just isn't safe alone). She just went on a terrible rant about how unreasonable we are and how kids her age party every night... Isn't that the point? That's what we're trying to prevent. Urgh... Are we too strict? It IS for her future and with her interests at heart, honestly. It would be so much easier to throw our hands up and say, "ok, do whatever you want." :shrug:


----------



## RachA

I personally don't see a curfew as being too strict. We will be asking our two to be home by certain times when they are older and if they respect our wishes etc then we will extend it either generally or on special occasions.


----------



## KayBea

RachA said:


> I personally don't see a curfew as being too strict. We will be asking our two to be home by certain times when they are older and if they respect our wishes etc then we will extend it either generally or on special occasions.


exactly this. My LO is only 2 but my nephew is 14 & my sister does let him go to parties, once a month if he behaves in & out of school & has stuck to his curfew all month. (of course adult supervised & no drink) It also depends where he is as to what time his curfew is. His best mate lives next door, so if hes there then he has to be home by 9 & straight upto bed.. providing of course he has done his homework before he goes out. I wouldnt let my LO out all the time to party & i know i never was especially at that age.

my mate's daughter is 14 too & she is allowed out when ever she wants until when she wants & is often allowed to drink (quite a large quantity too from what ive seen/been told). Shes not doing well at school as shes always too tired & hungover.

have you explained that she has a curfew because of her safety & that if she behaves it will be extended/she can go out once a month to a party.. xx


----------



## lozzy21

It depends on what time you expect her to be in really.


----------



## mummy_ellie09

I was on a curfew at that age, and beyond! Only one time did it not count when I went to a concert with my then-boyfriend and best friend. 

I shall be setting one for Joshua when he's at the age for going out, and will look to extend it as and when


----------



## River54

My 17 yr old dd doesn't have a curfew per se, but she is kept fairly busy with sports, and school. Once in awhile, she has parties, or goes to them. But we drive her there and pick her up from it. Or she buses there, and we pick her up later. Most of her friends are all the same way. She goes to a private school, so everyone is much more watchful of their kids in general. That and she generally has alot of homework to finish off, sport practices to be at etc.
After school, if she is not going home right away, she rings us, and lets us know where she is and what time she'd be back - she has to be back for late dinner.

I don't believe she finds this frustrating, probably because all her friends are also home, and they talk online. 
So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable.


----------



## suzib76

It totally depends on the time!


----------



## scoobydrlp

I don't think a curfew is unreasonable at all. My SD is 16 and we usually deal with "curfew" on a situational basis, but she is never allowed to be out in the evening without a plan on what time she should be home.


----------



## wamommy

Thanks all! Right now her curfew is dinner time (we eat late, around 7:00pm). She is sometimes allowed to go to friend's houses, parties, etc, as long as we know where she is, who she's with and what time she'll be home. A huge part of it is that she has to be up at 5:00 am for school, and I'm afraid her grades would suffer if she was allowed to stay up/out super late. I've tried to talk to her about it, and explain our reasoning for a curfew. She isn't open to compromise or negotiation. When I ask her what she would be happy with, she says "I shouldn't have to tell you where I am or be home at any given time." :dohh:


----------



## scoobydrlp

That's teenage logic for ya! I think you're being reasonable.

If she thinks you're strict she would hate me! My SD has to be in bed by 10 and has to leave her cell phone in the kitchen so she's not on it all night. We have tried later bed times but she isn't able to get herself up in the morning, so 10 it is.


----------



## wamommy

That's smart about the cell phone! I hadn't even thought of that. She rarely has her cell phone anyway, because taking it away is our usual punishment for disrespect or name calling.


----------



## hypnorm

7pm is quite early, could you compromise on a Friday and Saturday?


----------



## KayBea

hypnorm said:


> 7pm is quite early, could you compromise on a Friday and Saturday?


i was also going to suggest this when you said 7pm. xx


----------



## lhancock90

Aaah to be a teen again!
I think you are being perfectly reasonable and unfortunately its a stage she will grow out of. 

xx


----------



## lozzy21

At 16 I do think a 7pm cerfew is unreasonable, especially if homework has to be done before hand, she won't be getting out until 5? 

At 16 on a school night I had to be in for 9 unless I was getting a lift home from my friends/boyfriends patents and then it was 10. On a weekend if I was at my boyfriends house or friends house I had no cerfew. If I was going to the cinema then I had to be back by 11.


----------



## wamommy

That's the thing, is she does homework AFTER she gets home... So she needs that time. She eats dinner with us, and then only has about 2 hours before bed to do homework. With her course load, I'm afraid without a curfew she'd never do any homework. She gets out of school at 2:10 and so she has 5 straight hours with friends until she needs to be home. 

Also, I'm totally open to exceptions, as long as it's pre-approved and we know when she'll be home. Tonight she's at a bowling party with friends and won't be home until 9pm. Homework is done, so we gave her the ok :thumbup:


----------



## kassiaethne

at first I was all "7pm is way earily for 16" but didnt realize shes out every day. I was never allowed out till homework was done. THEN I could go out. I rarely was out weekdays but weekends my curfew was 10pm.


----------



## suzib76

My 12 year old stays out until 930 if she chooses, she can do homework before or after or even in the morning I don't mind. Now she is in high school she is capable of working her times out for herself. If it is t done she gets into trouble at school which is her responsibility, she always has it done and usually before she goes out or if she has a lot due in I. A Friday she will do most in the Monday so it's out of the way 

I think it is important to allow our kids the opportunity to time manage, by 16 it should t even be an issue IMO 

I also think 7 is early, but the main thing is how does it compare to her friends?


----------



## FeistyMom

So getting into my now 'way back' machine, I'll tell ya my personal curfew experience. I was into a TON of extracurriculars in highschool, and a near straight-a student. I had a lot of the 'wrong' kind of friend, but was never in trouble myself. My freshman year, my curfew was 1am. Sophomore year it was midnight. Junior year it was 11. Senior year it was 10 unless I had a VERY VERY clear plan about what was happening.

Now, this was never on a school night. School nights were pretty much taking up with school, then sports, then dinner break, then theater/rehearsal and homework. During some parts of the school year, I would leave the house at 7:30am and not get home until 9:30 or 10pm that night, with school-related activities that entire time. Honestly it never dawned on me to even think about going out on a school night, I was just too busy!

That said, by senior year I was pretty tightly wound. When I turned 18 I decided to PARTAY. I was rude, mouthy, disrespectful... I blew my curfew more than once, often claiming my ride was drunk so I couldn't possibly get home (dad called my bluff on that the third time I tried it, and showed up to pick me up!) So I really did need a curfew because my brain fell completely out of my head the second I turned 18. I still have no explanation for my behavior from age 18 to 22, although somehow I managed to graduate from college during that time frame.

I plan on having similar curfews for my kiddos when the time comes, but I might just start with 11pm for non-school nights for all 4 years, and make exceptions for times when I know I will be there. But overall it will depend on which of us our kids seem to take after - me being too tightly wound in highschool, so we need to prevent the inevitable snap, or my hubby who was one of the ultimate partiers IN highschool (yup, he was one of the boys our moms warned us about!) HIS crazy phase went from 15-21.

But honestly I'm just dreading teenager years. Realized yesterday I'm going to have at LEAST 2 teenage girls under our roof in highschool. Lord willing they won't BOTH be like me, but I'm not sure I like the alternative either! Yikes!


----------



## wamommy

Thank you, Fiesty :D Our kids are similar ages, btw... and I've thought about the 2-teenage-girls-in-the-house nightmare too :haha: I know it doesn't have to be that way, though. I was very rarely disrespectful to my Mom and had a great relationship with her through the teen years, so it CAN happen!

I never had a curfew. I didn't need one. I was at school by 5:30 am for practice, and then had a lot of evening games to go to. I always kept great grades and never got in trouble. On school nights I had lights out by 10 and on weekends I was lucky to keep my eyes open until midnight! Maybe the times were different, or maybe I was just weird, but I don't think a curfew is necessary for ALL teens. I guess that's why I'm struggling. Some of SD's friend's have a curfew, but a lot of them don't. I just know _her_ well enough to know that without structure she doesn't do well. She also has the dream of going to the US Naval Academy, which is one of the toughest schools to get into in the US. I sometimes tell myself (during an especially harsh guilt trip) that I truly am trying to help her and her future. Waiting until _after_ she makes life-changing mistakes is just too late :(

It is impossible, isn't it?


----------



## seoj

NO! lol- seriously though, kids need boundaries and rules- if not, they would run rampid all over doing god knows what with god knows who?! Of course they don't WANT rules- but they do need them, and, on a certain level- it's how they know you care. It may seem fun at first- but if we just let them do whatever they wanted, in time they would not feel loved. My SD (who's also 16) is very respectful of me and her Dad- we have her full time. And we have always had stricter rules that most of her friends - although not as much as some. She earns that level of trust through her actions and behavior. It is EARNED though- not just given. We show her respect- and we can talk through certain situtations and come to a compromise... but, overall, we set the rules and she follows them. We are raising a productive member of society here- lol- and I want her to go out in the world one day self assured and strong- but caring of others and herself. 

Don't get me wrong- there have been times (over the years) she pushed hard to get her way-- that is usually when we cracked down more. I tell her she is like a balloon- if we just let all the air out at once, she'll go spittering all over... but if we let it out a little at a time (give a little more and more etc... as earned)- then she will be more even :)


----------



## wamommy

Well said, Seoj! I couldn't have put it better myself :D


----------



## SerenityNow

I don't think your rules are too strict at all. However, teens are so inclined toward feeling that their parents are unfair I think framing it in a way other that "7 pm curfew" would probably be better. Maybe give her a choice between doing homework first and staying out until 9 or coming home at dinner and doing homework in the evening.


----------

