# Setting Boundaries for our son's BM?



## ayclobes

Our adoption of our son is not like the norm. We are adopting our nieces son..that would make him our great nephew. He is 17 months old. Our niece has FASD and her extent of it makes her brain as if she is a 12 year old..so I need advice on how to go about making/setting boundaries when it comes to our son and/or posting pictures of him online especially facebook.


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## Mrs. T

So sorry to revive this post from the dead! But I am curious to know how you have gotten on with your situation. I am also struggling with boundaries. 

An acquaintance asked me if my husband and I would be interested in fostering her niece. Her younger sister/the birth mom is an addict and had abandoned the child at 5 months old. She ended up in a foster home. For whatever reason no family could take her. This acquaintance/birth aunt was mainly concerned that the child was not in a culturally matched foster home and thought me and my husband (husband black/wife white) would make a good match since the child is mixed. Well, 10 days after she moved in with us as our foster child, she became a Crown Ward (birth mom's rights were legally taken away) and she became adoptable. So we applied to adopt her (we have no children and have always wanted them). So during the adoption probation the birth aunt has almost been non existent. We have invited her into our lives and she is always busy. Recently, it was my daughter's 2nd birthday (she has lived with us for a year now) and the birth aunt popped up a couple weeks after the birthday passed and wanted to come visit with her husband and kids and bring a present. We told them they are welcome and even offered to have them for dinner (although they declined and said it would just be a quick visit). We also let them know that we aren't comfortable with them taking pictures (we don't feel comfortable with them sharing them with others, posting them on social media, etc). We are almost at the end of the adoption process (just waiting for the court date to finalize) and don't want anything to complicate matters. Long story short, they were so upset about not being able to take pictures that they didn't come at all! I don't get it. They chose not to see her just because they couldn't take photos? I was even going to tell them when they got here that I would take pictures and save them for my daughter for the future but I didn't get the chance. It makes me feel they were just being sent by the birth mom to get some updated pictures and when I refused, they didn't see the point in coming at all. Then on the phone she mentioned how she wants to become so much more involved once the adoption is finalized and take my daughter to babysit her and stuff. Which is going to lead me to have to set more boundaries and I imagine more hurt feelings on her part. I feel bad because she is the reason my daughter is in my life but her actions and words don't match. There is some kind of disconnect and I can never figure out why she didn't foster her niece herself? There seems to be something fishy going on with these people and I am so confused. I just have a bad feeling. How do I have that uncomfortable conversation that she can visit but it has to be in my home, on my terms?


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## missk1989

I think an email would be a good option here. It will help you put your point across without getting emotional and she has time to process. Outline that whilst you appreciate she wants to be in the child's life, social workers have advised that it is in the child's best interest to keep arrangements formal. Maybe one visit a month, in your house. They cannot take pictures but offer to give some to take away when they leave. You can make sure they are oldish, maybe 6 months old and taken from a side view, not a front on photo. Your social worker would be a good person to help mediate something like this.


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