# Labour with Baby Amber :-) Back to Back :-( Feel disappointed



## AngelzEye

Woo, a bit late but I've been busy =P And after breaking my laptop a couple of months ago I don't get much internet time :-(
Amber is perfect & beautiful but I must say labour wasn't so great. I wouldn't read it if your baby is back to back & your a worrier lol, as its a little gloomy, but don't want to lie & pretend it 'didn't feel that bad' or that I've 'forgotten the pain' etc.

It started off perfectly fine though, I woke up to a completely soaken bed at about 7am, still having not packed my bag... Rang partner & delivery suite, they said to come in at 9 to get checked. Well I immediately started having period cramps (basically) & had a 'great' time running up and down stairs to get things for my bag haha.

Around half 9 I decided I should head for the hospital, but my body said otherwise, an had 'clear out' time so I really didn't think I was going to get out of the bathroom for long enough to call a taxi. By this point I wasn't feeling too hot anymore & started going "ow ow ow" when I got a contraction... but alone in the house I was allowed :blush:

The taxi came, and of course to save face I had to shut up & hold a normal conversation with the driver. May I say, pleasantly talking through contractions at the traffic lights is in no way an enjoyable situation. And the rude ******* didn't give me all my change, blatantly figuring I 'wouldn't notice'. :growlmad:

Went to get examined in the hospital & I told the midwife I felt sick. So she very slowly makes her way out the room to find a sick bowl. She wasn't back for at least 5 minutes by which time I had covered the entire examination room in vomit :haha: I really wasn't thinking about being embarassed by this point - and there was nothing I could have done about it lol.
They found I was 5cm and I was sent to a LDRP room (where I continued to throw up some more.)
Still apart from feeling so ill, this was still fairly pleasant in comparison to how it got. :happydance:

My partner turned up about half 11 & within another hour of pacing the room with crappy contractions it was starting to really hurt, and I was getting a 'bit' noisy. And pretty pissed off by the descriptions of minute long contractions followed by a few minutes break because as far as I was concerned if there were breaks, they weren't substantial. I asked for the epidural about half 12, and was told they were busy in theatre =/ (damn)
So I got some diamorphine and apparently also antisickness drugs to help until they were free (I can't actually remember that bit very well because I was pretty much focused on the very vocal 'ouching'. 

For the hour that it actually worked, the diamorphine was amazing! I felt so happy & although I could feel contractions they didn't hurt in the slightest. Annoyingly, it wore off. I asked for some more, but apparently they ration this stuff & I refused gas and air because it makes me feel stoned, panicked & more sick. Now my backache was getting really bad so it felt like there was no break in the contractions & I spent basically the next hour in a lot of pain making a lot of funny sounds & thrashing around. Eventually after 3pm I got the epidural... which when it kicked in was okay. It didn't block out everything to be honest, but it seriously helped. I could still move everything & feel everything but the pain was muted. Getting the epidural in didn't hurt at all or feel horrible and took only a few minutes. Only trying to sit still through the contractions was bad. :thumbup:

Of course, it was a great but futile relief as within the hour I was fully dilated (hmmm...) & I thought yay, pushing time. But no, I was told to wait a few hours - for no reason. What I did notice was the pain getting worse, contractions coming back but they were nothing in comparison with the constant backache which was unbearable. And my epidural top up button had stopped working. The midwives omitted to tell me that they were waiting for the epidural to wear off. It got absolutely terrible, and I was screaming & writhing around so much I didn't even realise I was pulling all my drips out & until my partner noticed the tubes had all gone red because I was bleeding up them. :cry:

After much yelling that it hurt too much in my back for everything to be okay, I eventually got out of one of the midwives 'theres nothing we can do about it, its the way your babies lying.' Which was the first hint that I had a back to back baby. I have no words to describe how much it actually hurt gah. They didn't tell me anything, just talked about it amongst themselves like I wasn't there. Thankfully, during my writhing around I flipped myself onto the front & pulled the epidural line, so the anaesthesist had to come back, and he gave me a little bit more epidural medicine, which helped a bit.

The midwifes then left (a bit weird, I'd been fully dilated for over 2 hours now) and I was so confused, I had no idea why this didn't seem to be anything like the descriptions. Having stopped some of the pain I realised that there was a lot of pressure around my pelvis area, and (naughtily) investigated. What must of only been 2 inches inside I could feel the babies head, so I thought I'd just start pushing because I was desperate for it to be over. 

5 minutes later, I'd managed to get the midwives back who said 'stop pushing'. Fat chance of that, so I just kept going, then one of them said "well if your going to push, push with contractions" which was a bit pointless seeings as I couldn't feel any contractions anymore, just one massively intense back & pelvis ache. After another 5 minutes of pushing I stopped as the baby was crowning & they pulled out some scissors. At this point I truly didn't care what happened as long as it was over very quickly. After the cut, Amber was born in two pushes, one for the head, and one for the body :happydance:

I don't really remember much of that to be honest, but my partner fills me in whenever I ask a question. I certainly don't remember the placenta part.
After about an hour which I mainly spent in a daze, they came back in to sew me back up. This time they convinced me to use the gas and air (well, who wants to feel someone sewing you down there =/.) After a long time, the midwife called another one in & they started discussing how it was wonky, didn't look right & needed to be done again. And started discussing how they would do this... It was exactly what you don't want to hear when someones sewing up your privates lmao... but due to the gas and air I got over it, and it seems fine now btw ladies. Still it took them an hour and a half.

I am very thankful that Amber was healthy & there were no complications but I am slightly sad about how painful & distressing I found it. Particularly as I had & did everything I could to prevent it from being so. I shudder to think what nature might have intended. Also I felt completely in the dark and unable to ask any questions and get intelligent answers, apart from "not now", "still a few hours", "you can't", "calm down" etc etc. As happy go lucky as it may seem, it was horrible & I cannot even slightly comprehend going through it again. I also feel really disappointed because it seemed to start out so well & I was coping, then it went to the complete other end of the spectrum :-(

I don't know why I feel disappointed in myself when I have my gorgeous baby & I feel so jealous of anyone who managed to enjoy or at least cope with their own labour , I wonder if anyone else has felt the same way for no apparent reason or if I'm just going mad. I wasn't scared beforehand but now I can't hear screaming (of any sort) on tv/movies without cringing & the idea of reading or watching things about childbirth or labour (like I did constantly when pregnant) makes me want to cry.


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## silverbell

I've never posted in this part of the site before, but always 'lurk' and read the posts.

I just wanted to say I'm ever so sorry about what you experienced. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I am quite, quite sure that you are not alone. Not every woman finds it OK or even slightly enjoyable at some stage. You just tend not to hear about those ones.

It's in the past now and you have a beautiful (and she really is) healthy baby daughter. The end result was spectacular and a miracle. You carried this little baby for many, many months and delivered her yourself. She's so precious. It would be a shame not to enjoy these precious first few weeks with her by dwelling on your labour. I know this is probably easier said than done, but I felt I had to say it all the same.

Enjoy your gorgeous little girl x


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## izzysmummy

All i can say is what crap MW care you had! my MW did not leave my side at all, only to turn the towel heater on just before delivery which was 10ft away!

Poor you, it is bad enough experiencing labour for the 1st time without a supportive MW.

I would be writing to the hospital to complain if that had happened to me, labour is suppose to be a happy and positive experience, and a bad labour experience is on of the biggest causes of PND.

Glad your princess arrived safe and sound though xxx


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## Ivoryapril

Honey, huge congratulations on the birth of your baby!! I would also be complaining, however - that level of care clearly isnt good enough! Dont feel sad though, you did great!! x


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## Bumbled Bee

I too had a back to back labour, and a very very long one at that. I know how sore they can be, and it sounds like you did an amazing job coping with the pain. You should be very proud of yourself.


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## xolily

I had a back to back labour and it was painful, but I have a very high pain threshold so dealt with it ok on gas and air! you did it and got through it so wouldn't be too down on yourself! x


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## AFC84

Oh my god, what an awful experience :hugs: I wonder what their reasoning was for buggering off and leaving you for so long at 10cm!



Bumbled Bee said:


> I too had a back to back labour, and a very very long one at that. I know how sore they can be, and it sounds like you did an amazing job coping with the pain. You should be very proud of yourself.

Exactly what I was about to say, and look on the bright side...you managed to take things into your own hands and basically deliver LO yourself, you did a great job. I don't think I could have coped at all [also back to back] but I ended up needing a spinal block & forceps so I basically cheated at the pushing stage!


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## MummyToAmberx

id put a complain in also! huge congrats on birth of amber.. good choice of name


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## Aunty E

I still feel a bit cheated that having got to eight cm at home, quite happily and without too much pain, I ended up having an instrumental delivery after she got stuck for six hours. It was all going so well until I got to the hospital. 

It doesn't make me want to cry anymore, but it does make me really really angry sometimes, to the point where I don't want to see another lying *** of a midwife every again. The way they talk as though you can't hear them (like saying 'just one more push and she'll be out' when two seconds before they'd sent for the registrar because she was completely stuck and there was NO point in me pushing at all). The way they just let me carry on for two hours when they knew she couldn't come out without help, the way they don't tell you what's happening. etc etc.

I console myself with the thought that I'm much more prepared for next time. And next time, I'm getting to the hospital earlier so i can have a ruddy epidural.


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## LankyDoodle

You're not alone in feeling disappointed in your birth experience, lovely. Lots of people do - I do. It's very hard to come to terms with something when it has been built upto for so long, you've made a loose plan in your head and things go completely another way. My labour left me feeling like a failure, and I guess it's still early days but I still cry quite a lot every day about it. 

What you did is amazing and you should be very proud. Don't be afraid to talk to people about how you are feeling as from my experience so far, it can be so isolating to feel this way when you feel like lots of people around you are really happy with their birth experience and shouting it from the rooftops.

Well done and congratulations. xxx


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## wilbrabeany

It is frustrating when births dont go quitee as we imagined or planned for, i feel quite envious of anyone whos been lucky enough to have a water birth. But yu just did an amazing thing creating and carrying your daughter and bringing her safely into the world the body is really a truly amazing thing. Congratulations hun.xx


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## Mummy2B21

Your MW's sound like they were trying to make it harder for you than easier!


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## JeepGirl

I also had a back to back baby and ended up disappointed with the birth. I had wanted a vaginal birth so badly but ended up with a EMCS. A month later, I'm coming to terms with it and trying to focus on the fact that both of us are healthy. 

You have a beautiful baby there, enjoy every moment of it:hugs:


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## Central Perk

Aw you did so well. I had a hideous back to back labour with Oscar. I Labour very quickly and was told I couldn't push. So I ended up with epidural, forceps, blood transfusion and a 3rd degree tear. I was in hospital for 6 days and it took months for the tear to heal.

BUT on a positive note I had my daughter in January and she came out in 3.5 hours and I only had gas and air and no tear. She wasn't back to back though and it was a much better experience,


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## wildeone

Wow it does sound like you had a hard time .... but every birth is different ... your next birth could be the one you've always wanted!!!
:hugs:


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## vaniilla

congrats hun, don't feel bad hun labour hardly ever goes the way we'd planned :hugs: you brought a little girl into this world and thats an achievement enough on its own. I hope your recovering well :hugs: :flower:


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