# Worried & Angry with myself



## txmomma

I'll start off by saying Im prepared to be flamed, put down, etc etc..... I am 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I am also an alcoholic, (sorta) Sometimes I feel like I have control and other times I am completely out of control. I didnt drink with my first two kids, I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant, although I had a few glasses of wine in my last trimester. Kids turned out great. I started drinking heavily again, daily. I didnt know I was pregnant with this one for a few months just figured my periods were off again due to stress. After I found out I was pregnant this time, I slowed way down, I even sustained for a few months of drinking at all. Then I started drinking some wine occasionally. I DO NOT drink daily anymore, I maybe drink 1 or 2 times a month, and I usually only drink wine, but I have more than just a glass, usually I drink the whole bottle. I have been tipsy probably 3 times during this pregnancy, but not DRUNK like I use to get. I hate myself the next day, I mean HATE! 

So far the baby seems to be ok, developing just fine, lots of moving and normal growth according to my dr. Ive had only 2 ultrasounds, I paid for a 3d ultrasound cause I wanted to see the baby for myself, thought it would help me control my drinking binges. The baby appears to be totally normal according to dr. I just hope and pray I have not harmed my baby, that was not my intention, my stupid behavior is to blame and I take full responsibilty for my actions. What can I say, Im an idiot. 

WHen I do drink, its either a few light beers or some wine with ice and tonic water mixed. I did not drink hard alcohol or do drugs. Ive never done drugs. 

I just needed to get this off my chest cause I feel so badly that I could not control my drinking for 9 short months.


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## lauandbump

I'm not going to judge or put you down hun, you sound like you are punishing youself more than enough already. I think it is brave that you have admitted you have a problem, that is always the first step. Can you speak with your midwife about getting help? Perhaps there is a group for other pregnant women in the same situation who can help and support each other... Good luck with it all and take care xxx


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## txmomma

Thank you. I like to think of myself as a good momma, I love my kids more than anything I really do. I have totally cut myself off from going out to parties and places we would normally go so I wont be in the situation to want to have a few drinks. Its the only way I can sustain. Its very hard when everyone you usually spend time with drinks. Guess you could say we hang out with a party crowd. Ive become very hermit like to avoid drinking. Alcoholism runs in my family pretty badly. I asked my mother if she drank with me and she confessed she did.


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## lauandbump

Oh hun sounds like you really are giving yourself a hard time. Well done for taking the steps to remove yourself from the scene and the crowd that encourages the drinking, that is a huge first step. I'm sure you are a great mum, you are showing that by asking for help now :) Sorry i can't give any better advice, hopefully someone on here might be able to xxx


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## Wind

:hugs: Battling addiction is a tough road. The important thing is to not give up. If you fall, get right back up. Have you tried AA or counseling? You have taken the first step-admitting you have a problem. That is huge.


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## txmomma

I know it might not seem like much to an outsider, but Ive really come a long way. Drinking was my way to unwind after a long week of work, or long week of kids to care for. I am divorced, my two kids are from my previous, I remarried a wonderful man and this is our baby. I wasnt planning on having more, but things happen. This is going to be my last. I have a very supportive husband and he is always there for me. He tells me hes proud of me for cutting back like I have. Hes all but quit drinking as well. Its super hard for me to be around everyone when they are drinking and I cant. I also quit smoking, which was way easier than the drinking. This has been a very stressful pregnancy for me. But Im at the end of it and I hope and pray everyday this baby is healthy. I know I will be very lucky if he is, I know all about the risks of drinking, light or heavy.


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## txmomma

I havent tried counseling, yet. I/we use to drink beer everyday after work, not get drunk, but maybe 3 beers to unwind. I havent done that since I found out. It was mostly on the weekends, and not every weekend. Maybe a few times a month. Im not sure if it even matters at this point, but I am sustaining from even having a glass of wine till I have this baby, Ive only got 3 weeks to go. Problem with me is, its never just one glass.


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## K477uk

I think you are extremely brave admitted you have a problem... and obviously you are beating yourself up massively over this.

As others have suggested I would prob look for external support as well.. xx


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## txmomma

I've been told by a few people that I trust not to worry that I haven't drank enough to cause problems with my baby. But I still worry. I will worry until im holding my baby and see that everything is ok. I have a ton of regret im dealing with. There are days I straight up hate myself for not being more in control. My gut feeling is that the baby will be fine but I still need to deal with myself and my addiction.


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## tweedy

i would say you need help, not just for the remainder of the pregnancy, but you wil soon have 3 kids and what effect does your alcohol intake have on them long term, to cut down during pregnancy for the sake of the developing baby is one thing, but changing your attitude to drinking to ensure you kids have a bright future is another. you have admitted a problem, don't let yourself fall back into bad habits just because you will not feel the responisibility to not drink when baby is born.

from experience, having parents who have a big circle of friends who would drink 3/4 times a week, not always drunk, but drinking, is no laughing matter. i was never so relieved and proud of my parents when they decided that 5 kids and no family time was not fair and gave up drinking completely, the money they saved in the 1st 6 months got us our 1st family holiday, i was 12. they still had the odd bottle between them at family events, but cut out a lot of their friends and got their fill of life from us instead. now with their youngest at 25 and 6 grandkids my mum regrets not being there for us when we were small, as it's only now she is realised what we missed out on.


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## tanni78

Hi, i think you've been really brave to come on here and admit that you have a problem firstly but i think you probably do need to seek some outside help. I'm sure your midwife could point you in the right direction. It sounds like you're doing really well at cutting down but like tweedy said, you need to think of the long term effects your drinking has on your kids. Not just at the time but i'm guessing you get pretty low a lot afterwards and probably don't think very highly of yourself? You're half way there if you can admit it which is great but i'm sure there is support out there, you should use it. You deserve to kick this for yourself as well as your kids! :) xx


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## wookie130

You are taking the right step by reaching out, and admitting you have a problem with alcohol. I encourage you to take one more step, and find your local AA meetings, and begin attending them. My ex husband was a SEVERE alcoholic and drug addict, and he would have never taken one step toward real recovery if it weren't for his meetings.

If you continue on this path, do not expect any change. If you keep doing what you've always been doing, you're always going to get what you've been getting. PLEASE begin going to meetings, and begin that change you seem to need in your life and behavior.

I guess I'm not so much worried for your unborn child as I am for the 2 children that are actively around your addictive behaviors...that to me is far more toxic. In regards to your pregnancy, what will be will be in terms of how the alcohol has or has not effected the baby. FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) is a condition that cannot be reversed, and ranges greatly in severity, and how it effects fetal and childhood development. I am a special education teacher, and have had many, many, many children diagnosed with FAS, and each one was unique, and had varied abilities and challenges. There is no way to tell at this point if your child will be effected, and if so, to what extent. Best of luck to you there.

Again, I applaud your courage for stepping up and admitting your behavior, and that you're an alcoholic. It's time to take that courage into some meetings, and develop a fellowship with others who will understand and embrace you, and help you change.


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## AllisonH

Hi TxMomma. I am a recovered alcoholic and have been 'on the wagon' for nearly 5 years. I grew up in an alcoholic home and feel so relieved that my child won't grow up seeing mommy binge drinking and slurring her words. 

It sounds like you drink just like I did. I was a 'weekend warrior' and partied on the weekends and justified it by saying, "I've had a tough week," "I deserve this because it's Friday night!" I never did drugs either. My drug of choice was pinot noir!! And yes, I would easily drink a bottle no problem. 
I would go out and say to myself, "Okay, I'm only going to have 2 drinks tonight." That never happened. It maybe happened once, but usually one turned into 2 and 2 turned into 10. 

Honestly, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. My OH was fed up and DONE with me. That was my wake up call.

Now, about 4.5 years later, I am married to my OH, have my master's degree, and great job, and I'm prego with my first baby. Quitting the bottle was the BEST decision I could have made and I don't miss it one bit. 

I started by going to AA meetings. It really helped me a lot. They've been there and know how you feel...trust me. I was worried that AA would be filled with homeless losers, but it was filled with doctors, lawyers, and happy members of society! Where in TX do you live? I grew up in Texas. Good luck to you!!!


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## sweetpea2

Hey, I don't really have anything important or philosophical to say or advise, i'd just like to let you know that I admire you for being brave enough to post here. So many people jump to conclusions and judge other people (despite often harbouring many flaws of their own!) and it shows your true colours that you're willing to admit to yours. Try not to worry too much, and guilt can very easily eat you up inside. It may be worth trying to find help for your drinking, but in the meantime as long as YOU feel in control and YOU are comfortable with the amount that you are drinking then try not to stress too much. At the end of the day we are all only trying to do our best.


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## txmomma

I had my amazing son 5 days ago and I am elated to report he is perfect and healthy as can be! He weighed 10lbs 2oz. He's very alert and strong and just perfect! I am so thankful my stupidty didn't seem to harm him. I am feeling completely renewed and have been sober since I've started this thread. I've got a totally new outlook on life and by the grace of God I was blessed with a healthy boy.


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## tweedy

Congratulations, glad he is doing well and i hope you are able to get the support you need to put these experiences behind you and be there for your son x


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## AllisonH

Good for you! Being sober is the best b/c you no longer have to apologize for being an a-hole the night before! hahahaha!!!


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## Loobyloo30

Bless you hun! No grief from me. I know how hard 'addiction is' Good luck with everything xx


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## mumatmadhouse

Massive congrats on the birth of your baby hun and massive congrats on staying sober too. You are a very brave lady and you have taken more than the first step already. addiction of any kind is hard to deal with, even chocolate for some, but you can beat it honey. Look how far you have come already! Do think hard about AA, it helped my mum no end and saved our family life when i was a kid. You wont be judged there you will just find support. Good luck xx


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## txmomma

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I was expecting to be burned at the stake! And rightfully so for being so stupid. I look at my son when he's sleeping in my arms and just cry and cry tears of joy that he's ok and I thank God every moment that he allowed me to have a healthy boy


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## hollyrose

congratualtions on your healthy baby boy and staying sober! xo


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