# Not coping no friends & dunno how to rebuild my life



## sambucababy

Ladies 

Im on such a downer - my partner of 18 yrs left me and our 18 month old daughter last week for a girl he had been cheating on me with for 10 yrs they have child too a year older than my daughter - all his friends and family knew about there relationship & even though we lived together i never suspected a thing.

Im not working at the moment, my only familiy are my parents and my dad is very unwell and I have no friends at all. How am I supposed to restart my life and build a happy one for my daughter?

He left me 3 weeks ago but I only found out about them 1 week ago, he has not seen our daughter once despite saying he would {failed to show} his is on her birth cert so has parental rights etc - I just dont know where to begin.

Im so unhappy x


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## moomin_troll

:hugs: ive had to restart my life, its hard but u can do it!

if he cant be arsed to see his daughter the fuck him, dont make any special effort for him.

i cant type well atm as i have a newborn attached to me lol but u will be ok and this section is great, ule find alot of support here


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## sambucababy

Thanks for repying so quickly especially with a newborn !! - I just dont know where to begin, havent the strength or energy, every morning when i wake up i am filled with dread as its such another long hard day to get through x


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## ticking.clock

it will get easier hun i promise
I have been there twice, first left pregnant and then again 8 years later with a 7 year old and 2 year old
but i much prefer my life now it was hard but you will come through it and be better for it 
xxx


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## moomin_troll

uve had a huge shock! 18 years together n hes done this to u :growlmad: in the long run this will be the best thing that has ever happened to u. 

im a single mum for a different reason so i cant tell u how to get over ur ex but u will, it wont hurt forever and u will get used to be a single mum and ule raise ur daughter. 

maybe if possible look into getting a job or find local mother and baby groups to get out there and socialise


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## sambucababy

thanks im just so lonely and hurt x


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## darsilver1

I am so sorry that you are going through this...definitely messed up what happened...like the other ladies said, with time things will get easier...you will have a lot of days of crying, screaming and hatred...I found going to counselor and just venting has helped me cope with my failed relationship recently. I know people are like oh no counselor!!! I must be crazy but I am a person who doesnt have much friends either and I get lonely....I find venting to be very calming for me and at least I know I wont be interupted or have the conversation swayed to some other issue because my so called friend doesnt care for what I say...Definitely try and find an activity to do besides the LO...wrapping your entire life around LO can become depressing and its not healthy...you need "ME" time...Like the other ladies said, try working a job, join a mommy club, go to gym, do yoga, join a book club, start a craft...I hope that you understand that you didnt do anything wrong....youre the victim....it was wrong what happened and the fact that everyone but you knew is messed up...hang in their mama :hugs:


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## sambucababy

thank you ladies im just sat here in tears the grief/pain is unbearable. Asked for counselling but looking at a 10 wk wait, have health issues so getting work is hard and i know joining groups / courses etc are great ideas im just too frightened to anything new.

Im scared of the future I ve had depressive episodes in life before but I truely feel I cant escape this one. nI am a complete mess


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## LucyLadyBug

if your health issues allow it, what about doing a late night swim (like 9-10pm) if you can get someone to watch your daughter. they are usually lane swims and so not that social. so you are doing an activity, near others, but don't have to interact. or you could take your daughter to the baby swims? My little neice adores them.


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## Kayles1/8/08

hey
im really sad to see someone go through this as i too reached this point with my daughter i had very little support and had my daughter 24/7 which as some one said is not healthy as i know i started to feel like i was going insane having no adult time as when i fell pregnant..the "friends" all seem to disapear dont they. i started college last year and really picked myself back up again i hav my daughter in nursery which she loves and gives her that playtime that as horrible as this sounds..sometimes i just cant be bothered doing. we have a better relationship having seperate ones other than just the 2 of us all the time! please do not let urself drop down so far that its almost impossible to pick urself back up again..college really helped me and i met lots of great friends some of which are mums too xxx


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## Kacie

Oh hun :hugs: This is a horrible experience you are going through and you must still be in so much shock, first at the break up and then at finding out this news. I am one year on after leaving my ex partner of 8 years, when I found out he had been cheating on me for longer than i could have imagined. There is huge pain in knowing that so called friends were aware of this and kept it hidden from me. And the pain of their betrayal is hard and still catches up with me sometimes but it is much easier to deal with now. Logically I looked at everything and realised that my life had so much more freedom since leaving him and huge possibilities opened up for me.. I can now study what i want and travel wherever i want.

Those first six months were very hard and lonely and i was very lucky to have my mum near by and on hand a lot of the time.. the rest of the time i spent on here ranting and talking to lovely ladies so that I didn't feel alone. BnB helped me no end so please feel that you can talk and rant as much as you want to let out the emotions.

Then I started wanting to get some confidence back and see if I could talk to guys.. so I went on a couple of free dating sites, just to chat and see if I could actually communicate with guys (strange I guess).. anyway, completely unexpected, but I actually met someone through it and we've now been together 7 months! I know this may not sound particularly helpful, i just wanted to show that we really don't know what is around the corner and there is still so much good to come in your life, even if you can't feel it right now.

Cry when you want, rant and rave when you want, and spend time with your gorgeous little girl. I live by the sea so take my 14 month old down there alot and the fresh air really does some good.

I know you can't expect things to become good right away, it all takes time.. but the one guranteed thing in life is that time does pass and with it things will start feeling better. 

xxxx


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## Seraphim

:hugs:

I'm in a similar position, I will PM you xx


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## Snowball

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it must be very painful to deal with :hugs:

Not totally the same but my ex DH left me at xmas for a girl he'd known for 5 minutes. His mum also knew about his affair. We had 3 children, I'd just found out I was pregnant with our forth and other than him I didn't really have anyone so it hit me very badly.

It's taken a while but I can honestly say I'm so very nearly back on my feet now. I'm happier and finally my rosetinted glasses I had stuck to my face for him are peeling away. My parents have been brilliant and help me out no end. I've started going out again and I've made new friends (mostly from here :blush:). Even in the past few weeks I've had men interested in me... and I've had to reject them! Which I honestly thought would never be an option for me again!

I think when they leave you for another woman your confidence takes an almighty battering (I know mine did) and you can't see a way forward but there is. Someone once said to me, "The best revenge is living well" and that's totally it. It's going to take a while and there will be major downpoints where you'll think there is no way out but those pass and eventually you'll be ready to get back out there again.

As to him not seeing your daughter... I'd approach the subject with him but if he still doesn't act on it as sad as it is... it's his loss. I know that in years to come my ex will feel the wrath of his four children telling him what a bloody selfish letdown he was. You reap what you sow and all that. On the otherhand they'll know that I was always there for them, even when I wanted to curl up and disappear I never let them down. He'll never be able to say that.

You'll get there hun. Keep talking on here (I do :haha:). A lot of ladies on here have been through similar and I've found that even logging on for a bit of a rant helps no end :hugs:


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## sambucababy

thanks again ladies, he has txt me twice re seeing his daughter but never makes an arrangement or comes, he still has belongs to collect but as yet hasnt. Maybe he is giving me time / space maybe he'll never show.

It helps posting on here but I really need to find some real friends and basically get a life lol my days are so long I need to fill them somehow.

Anyhow my LO needs me so I am today going to try and eat, which I havent been able to for almost 2 wks x


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## moomin_troll

text him back saying ur shit will be on the door step at this time and day so get it or ile take it to the dump. then say if he chooses to see his daughter then its fine.


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## Vixen_17

sambucababy said:


> Anyhow my LO needs me so I am today going to try and eat, which I havent been able to for almost 2 wks x

Good lass, that's the attitude you need! Glad today seems like a better day for you. I thought of you this morning - while I was on the train to work I was listening to Christina Aguilera's Stripped album and realised that this is one I listened to a lot after I split with my ex. It's full of positive tracks about saying f*ck you to bad times and moving forward in your life - have a listen and I'm sure you can relate to the lyrics.

Stay strong hun :hugs:


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## Snowball

Vixen_17 said:


> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> Anyhow my LO needs me so I am today going to try and eat, which I havent been able to for almost 2 wks x
> 
> Good lass, that's the attitude you need! Glad today seems like a better day for you. I thought of you this morning - while I was on the train to work I was listening to Christina Aguilera's Stripped album and realised that this is one I listened to a lot after I split with my ex. It's full of positive tracks about saying f*ck you to bad times and moving forward in your life - have a listen and I'm sure you can relate to the lyrics.
> 
> Stay strong hun :hugs:Click to expand...

I listen to that a lot too! Fighter is brilliant for bringing you back up if you're feeling low :thumbup:


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## MummyJade

so sorry you've had to go through this.... and as for his family knowing what the hell, 
you and your LO is better off without him, you dont need a slime ball like that! 

Just focus and getting you and LO happy, and you will get there, where bouts you from? 
i am sure there will be a few ladies on here that will be arranging a meet in/around your area.. 
xx


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## Mummy2B21

I am so sorry to hear this hun, i am also shocked his family and friends stood by and watched it happen. Be strong and you can do it, take every oppourtunity you get to make new friends ect, are there any baby clubs near by, it wont be as hard as you think to rebuild your life it will happen and you will be happy again xx


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## sambucababy

Thanks again I ll deffo have a listen of that track. I have had a few texts supposedly off him and his 'new' number,he still has his old one. Anyhow they nmainly ask about our daughter, then a random one asking if I had brougt his niece a bday present!! And now askin about me and how I am. I can't quite put my finger on it but I'm not connvinced its even him. As why wud u give ur ex ur new number wen u still have ur old number working and why strike up convo. Its gettin on my nerves but can't change my number coz of our daughter. I'm wonderin if maybe its this other girl. Am so suspicious lol!


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## sambucababy

As the days have gone on I m feeling more and more down, have been back and forth to GP yet the tabs dont take the edge off how im feeling and i feel more and more withdrawn. The waiting list for counselling is 12 wks and i feel like im sinking.

He came to see our daughter on Sunday, he wasnt unpleasant but was it was awkward and left me feeling very sad, he didnt seem overly happy either he was very quiet but that was probably him feelin awkward too.

He said he hadnt been with this girl constantly for 10 yrs behind my back with his families knowledge, but over the last few years *he* has had a thing for her gone to her for a while then its fizzled out then rekindled at a later date and so on - he said he restarted things with her a few months back as he was unhappy but I told him he should have spoken to me then or ended "us" then. 

I dont understand him nor why he upped and left at the time he did - im guessing she may well be pregnant again, i have no idea. He has made no further contact since his visit and no arrangements to see his daughter again so am not sure what will happen there.

He asked if I would carry on doing his admin/ bills etc but I said no and he showed me a text from his niece telling him to say hello to me and that she loves me, then i noticed (though he tried to hide it) a photo of him his new GF and child on his phone.

Am more confused than ever, am taking my tabs, going to docs, talking to peeps and doing anythin and everything to distract myself but my head is constantly full of thoughts - I say I feel worse now than when it all first happened, I just dread waking each day.


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## Snowball

sambucababy said:


> As the days have gone on I m feeling more and more down, have been back and forth to GP yet the tabs dont take the edge off how im feeling and i feel more and more withdrawn. The waiting list for counselling is 12 wks and i feel like im sinking.
> 
> He came to see our daughter on Sunday, he wasnt unpleasant but was it was awkward and left me feeling very sad, he didnt seem overly happy either he was very quiet but that was probably him feelin awkward too.
> 
> He said he hadnt been with this girl constantly for 10 yrs behind my back with his families knowledge, but over the last few years *he* has had a thing for her gone to her for a while then its fizzled out then rekindled at a later date and so on - he said he restarted things with her a few months back as he was unhappy but I told him he should have spoken to me then or ended "us" then.
> 
> I dont understand him nor why he upped and left at the time he did - im guessing she may well be pregnant again, i have no idea. He has made no further contact since his visit and no arrangements to see his daughter again so am not sure what will happen there.
> 
> He asked if I would carry on doing his admin/ bills etc but I said no and he showed me a text from his niece telling him to say hello to me and that she loves me, then i noticed (though he tried to hide it) a photo of him his new GF and child on his phone.
> 
> Am more confused than ever, am taking my tabs, going to docs, talking to peeps and doing anythin and everything to distract myself but my head is constantly full of thoughts - I say I feel worse now than when it all first happened, I just dread waking each day.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

My ex DH ran off with a woman but they don't have a child (that I know of) so I can only imagine how you're feeling :(

I don't understand why he's not making more arrangements to see your daughter? I swear when these men decide to run off to the greener grass they don't think to make it as easy as possible for the people they leave behind.

I know it doesn't seem it but it will get more bearable. In the early days I didn't eat or sleep hardly at all. I was so down that all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sob. Now I get more good days than bad. I still have days where I can't pick myself up or the image of him with the other woman overwhelms me but I have our children to stay happy for and luckily they have lessened. It will happen for you too. Can I also say I think you did well to meet with him... I'm not sure I could have if my ex DH's girlfriend hadn't have dumped him, let alone look at pics of them together. You are being so strong :hugs:


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## sambucababy

thanks hun, i saw him for my daughters sake i think its set me back to be honest and the last tthing i feel is strong, although i know it would never work i wish he wud just want to come back, i cannot believe how he has blanked me from his life after all the years we had together, im shattered :(


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## Snowball

sambucababy said:


> thanks hun, i saw him for my daughters sake i think its set me back to be honest and the last tthing i feel is strong, although i know it would never work i wish he wud just want to come back, i cannot believe how he has blanked me from his life after all the years we had together, im shattered :(

I know it's always said hun but it's totally his loss and you usually find people who can just run off and start again elsewhere will continue to do it throughout their lives... They'll never settle and never be happy. 

I think the desire to want them to want to come back is the want for them to realise what they've thrown away. It may take months or even years but they will hun. You deserve better than someone who had to lead a double life to be happy:hugs:

I'd start organising things. Make sure he's paying maintenance for your daughter, get everything of his out the house and make it your own. It's not going to take all the pain away but it will help refresh you from the life you've lived with him. It'll do you good :hugs:


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## miss_amy

Awww Big big hugs. The early weeks trully are awful. I remember thinking my life is over, I'm single, been dumped and no one will ever want me again. I think I cried solidly for about a month.
Then one day the tears just dried up and I thought right I'm goingt o pick myself up. I bought some new clothes and had my hair done in a completely new style. I went on a couple of dates with men who treated me like I was a beautiful woman. I started to feel better and life was actually better.

You just have to sit out this awful time until you feel ready to say right now I'm going to face and get on with the rest of my life.

You don't want to be with a man who thinks you are second best. One day you will see this as a new start and for the best.

Take care of yourself. Please eat whatever you can. Making yourself poorly will just make you tired and feel worse.


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## sambucababy

Oh im feeling awful now, had txt off him earlier asking how i was and if our daughter was ok, tried to be a bit friendlier and asked he was too but he told me he was "all good" and then asked me if I know if there was a part missing from his treadmill, I replied no and then he phoned me whittering on about this treadmill as happy as larry and im sat at the other end thinkin u clearly do not give a flying **** about me do u, how insensitive can he be grrrr.


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## Snowball

sambucababy said:


> Oh im feeling awful now, had txt off him earlier asking how i was and if our daughter was ok, tried to be a bit friendlier and asked he was too but he told me he was "all good" and then asked me if I know if there was a part missing from his treadmill, I replied no and then he phoned me whittering on about this treadmill as happy as larry and im sat at the other end thinkin u clearly do not give a flying **** about me do u, how insensitive can he be grrrr.

:hugs: I think men are just programmed differently to us. My ex went all about the practicalities of his stuff and where this and that was... I just wanted to talk about our feelings. 

I think you are doing so well. I'd be tempted to insert that missing part of the treadmill somewhere!


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## sambucababy

Lol there is no missing part, he rang a second time saying it switches on but they dont know how to do the settings, I couldnt keep it together so had to make an excuse and hang up, 

I keep trying to read into things like is he really fine or is he just saying that, is he really phoning about the treadmill or is he just trying to keep contact & then I think whats the point he has gone and left me forsomeone else, he hasnt asked to come back so why am I dwelling on everything but no matter what I do my head WILL NOT stop !!


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## Snowball

sambucababy said:


> Lol there is no missing part, he rang a second time saying it switches on but *they* dont know how to do the settings, I couldnt keep it together so had to make an excuse and hang up,
> 
> I keep trying to read into things like is he really fine or is he just saying that, is he really phoning about the treadmill or is he just trying to keep contact & then I think whats the point he has gone and left me forsomeone else, he hasnt asked to come back so why am I dwelling on everything but no matter what I do my head WILL NOT stop !!

Is he honestly asking for tips for a treadmill for him and his 'other woman' to use so they can play happy families like he's left nothing behind?... cheeky sod!

Have you ever actually sat and talked about the situation properly or did he kind of give you the facts and run?


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## sambucababy

[/QUOTE]

Is he honestly asking for tips for a treadmill for him and his 'other woman' to use so they can play happy families like he's left nothing behind?... cheeky sod!

Have you ever actually sat and talked about the situation properly or did he kind of give you the facts and run?[/QUOTE]

He reckons he has sold the treadmill to a friend - who knows whats going on. As for talking he just wont do it, he got found out and has given me that many versions of the truth Im not sure even he knows the truth anymore.

As for sitting down and talking about the future he wont be able to do this either, he is the "live for today" happy go lucky kinda guy - he talks to me now like we are best friends and he has done nothing wrong, he is clearly settled where he is at the moment and has no remorse for his actions etc. To be honest I dont think I ever really knew him, I just have to get on with it now, I just begin to dread his texts and calls now as quite frankly although its not fair on my daughter but i wish he would disapear off the face of the earth for the use that he is!


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## Vixen_17

OK, how about you say to him that you would like to be friends in the future for the sake of your daughter but right now you are really really hurting and would appreciate it if he only contacted you to discuss your daughter. If he continues to text random things tell him to [_insert rude word here_] off.

It sounds like he's still playing mind games with you hun - he's making sure you're just at the end of the phone and will respond to every text he sends you. He doesn't NEED to contact you about the sodding treadmill, its just an excuse for him. You will not be able to heal or move on whilst you are still responding to him pressing your buttons.

Refocus your energies onto yourself and your little one. Get to the park and get some fresh air. Look around at how beautiful the world is because one day you WILL be happy in it again. :hugs:


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## Snowball

I personally think it's impossible to become 'mates' after something like this happens. My ex DH wanted to be friends and I just can't, it cuts too deep and I'm way too hurt from him to ever trust him even over so much as a simple friendship. 

How was he with your daughter when he saw her?


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## sambucababy

sorry im just updating this for a quick rant, he has phoned me today so I ignored it and txt him sayin im too upset for bessie mate chit chat and that i'll happly discuss our daughter but in the short term thats all i can deal with.

he txt back saying sorry saying he only wanted to know how much his car insurance direct debit was and when it was due, I wouldnt mind but he has all the paperwork and set the policy up himself but is too lazy to even look !! What is wrong with him !


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## Snowball

sambucababy said:


> sorry im just updating this for a quick rant, he has phoned me today so I ignored it and txt him sayin im too upset for bessie mate chit chat and that i'll happly discuss our daughter but in the short term thats all i can deal with.
> 
> he txt back saying sorry saying he only wanted to know how much his car insurance direct debit was and when it was due, I wouldnt mind but he has all the paperwork and set the policy up himself but is too lazy to even look !! What is wrong with him !

Good god, tell him to go look after himself (has certainly as in everyother department!). I can't believe he has the barefaced cheek to be asking you about such mundane rubbish considering the bombshell he's just dropped!


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## sambucababy

Vixen_17 said:


> OK, how about you say to him that you would like to be friends in the future for the sake of your daughter but right now you are really really hurting and would appreciate it if he only contacted you to discuss your daughter. If he continues to text random things tell him to [_insert rude word here_] off.
> 
> It sounds like he's still playing mind games with you hun - he's making sure you're just at the end of the phone and will respond to every text he sends you. He doesn't NEED to contact you about the sodding treadmill, its just an excuse for him. You will not be able to heal or move on whilst you are still responding to him pressing your buttons.
> 
> Refocus your energies onto yourself and your little one. Get to the park and get some fresh air. Look around at how beautiful the world is because one day you WILL be happy in it again. :hugs:

Thanks hun, I did just more or less text what you suggested, I think its sheer lazyness on his part as I did all the bills and admin etc when we were together but despite what he did, I did initially explain to him what he would need to do to transfer his direct debits etc - he is just too used to bein spoonfed I think lol x


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## sambucababy

Snowball said:


> I personally think it's impossible to become 'mates' after something like this happens. My ex DH wanted to be friends and I just can't, it cuts too deep and I'm way too hurt from him to ever trust him even over so much as a simple friendship.
> 
> How was he with your daughter when he saw her?


He was very quiet when he came to see her and a little subdued but maybe that was awkwardness, I made him a coffee and left the room so he could have time with her on his own, but then he made an excuse and called me back into the room and played with a daughter but wasnt quite himself, hard to explain - I held it together well until after he had gone - it was hard !


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## sambucababy

today has been hard - i ve felt really down and upset have been trying to find ideas to move forward with my life but am stumped, i feel so very low, my friends dont know what to say to me anymore and im waiting for counselling and seeing GP frequently but Im just not managing very well at all. Im so tired of the heartache, I need answers I know i'll never get I ve just simply had as much as I can take I feel so disheartened, flat & empty just feels like its never going to get any easier each day just seems harder.


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## miss_amy

Its still very early days. Give yourself time. You are doing the right thing not answering his calls. Sounds to me like excuses just to talk to you and keep you there for him. Put yourself first right now. Things like treadmills or car insurance he can call up or look online even if he doesn't have the paperwork. It isn't your problem.

Friends might not know what to say but they will be there for you I'm sure.

I promise you this pain will pass.

As for the friend thing I think it is possible but only after the emotions of it have had time to move on. In my case that took about 8 years. I'm not sure you would call me and my first husband mates, we don't socialise or meet up for BBQs or anything but we can have a coffee and a civil conversation about the kids. He has helped me out a few times when I have had problems and I've looked after his dog when he's on holiday. I think that's about as good as it will get.


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## sambucababy

Thanks for the kind words hopefully today will be easier xx


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## Vixen_17

Miss Amy summed everything up perfectly. What you are going through now hun is *grief*. You will feel just as bad as if someoned died because they kinda did. Your relationship and the future you expected are now different to how you thought they were going to pan out and that's what you're grieving for. You're not necessarily missing "him" if that makes any sense. The new future that waits for you will be a zillion times better than the old one and one day you will come through the fog and see that.

You are hurting and that is totally natural. Like so many people have said, it WILL get better and the pain will begin to fade, it just needs time. Be patient. You are totally doing the right thing by telling him to sort his own life out! Its nice that you're still posting on here because although we've never met you we are looking out for you and thinking of you too.

Stay strong hun. Look after yourself. Your daughter needs you. :hugs:


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## sambucababy

Thanks again, i know its a case of time but i feel terrible, i ate a proper meal last night to help myself feel better, then middle of night I was violently sick, I feel weak, drained, emotional, I get the likeness to grieving too just I feel Im geeting worse rather than better or at least would expect to feel as though Im staying the same but I know its still early days.

maybe if he leaves me be for a while now like i ve asked it will help me - i just feel like i should be doing more to help myself like getting out more but the anxiety takes over and other than going docs and requesting counsellin and talking to people i really dont know what else to do. The pain is still so unbearable, maybe im still just in shock at the whole thing, I feel exhausted with it all x


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## Seraphim

:hugs:

I could have written just about all of what you've said - even down to being asked stupid questions about admin and wotnot which he needs to take responsibility for. Oh and nailclippers... did I know where there were any nailclippers he could have - Yes, in the shop, go buy some.

It's been about 8 or 9 weeks now and there have been some real flash points, the first 4 weeks were the pits. You will get there.

:hugs:


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## sambucababy

Thanks my friend is training to be a physcologist {spelling } - she doesnt know my ex but her professional opinion is that he is trying to keep things amicable with me in case things dont work out with the person he is now with, rather than being lazy or hassling me.

That said I miss him like crazy and would love nothing more than to have my happy life back but even if he were on begged knees no way in a million years can I ever trust him nor his family, he has put me though hell, im still struggling now and luckily our daughter is too young to understand so NOWAY am I letting him hurt her in the future. 

Maybe my friend is wrong and he'll settle and be happy but if he thinks coming back here is an option then he will be in for a shock. Its hard coz even now I do still love him but the trust has gone and having him back would leave me insane. Hopefully that situation wont arise.

I think I have surprised him in the fact that I ve cut complete contact other than in regards to our daughter, I think he had thought Id phone, text and beg him constantly, I ve been humiliated enought to ever contemplate that. I was a good person, not a nightmare to live with and was fair, generous and reasonable, I guess to him that was simply too boring !


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## moomin_troll

i agree with ur friend, hes texting u because he knows or thinks he can and he wants to keep u sweet incase....scumbag!

some men just dont see what they have and think the grass is greener and think they can have n do what they want. its great uve stood up for urself and only talk to him about ur daughter, ur better then me as i would just change my number n not talk to him about anything n tell him to take my ass to court.

u are greving for the life u thought u were going to have but in time that will stop and ule move forward with ur life and u never no, u might meet the man ur supposed to be with who will treat u like a princess (decent men are out there, i had one of them :) )


----------



## miss_amy

Just remember that the road to recovery isn't straight. At times the path doubles back on itself and you will feel like you are going backwards and getting worse but you are still on the journey and will get there.

Take care.


----------



## sambucababy

i want to kill him, he text me today asking how we both were so i gave a neutral / standard reply.
Tonight he calls {after being asked not to} and texts me asking if i ve paid his court fine as he has had an arrears letter, i told him AGAIN his life, bills and problems are no longer mine since he left and he suggested he sort it himself or get his new GF to. Then i got a hurl of abuse telling me to never txt him again, so I reminded him that since the split I ve not text him at all yet had random stupid messages about treadmills, direct debits, sim card s and now court fines, I told him unless its about our daughter to leave me alone.

WTF is his problem, Im beginning to hate him now and thats something i didnt want to end up doing. I need to be left to heal yet he dont get this, being nice, friendly honest and nasty just dont seem to work with him. Grrr just needed a rant x


----------



## moomin_troll

what a twat!
i cant believe hes expecting u to sort out his court bill.....WTF.

personaly im glad u hate him, my mum says get angry and stay angry till u just have no feelings at all towards him.
he really does think hes gods gift doesnt he


----------



## Snowball

Just repeat to him what you said before about no contact unless it's to do with your daughter. He'll get the message eventually. Everytime he rings up with a petty issue just say, "I'm sorry, this is none of my concern now". Stupid man!


----------



## sambucababy

Thanks Im still so angry with him for his cheek, i never wanted to end up hating him but its heading that way, i just dont get why he thinks he can run to me with his problems - If i get any more mesages i'll just keep saying the same thing. I ve been keeping a diary too just incase this ever goes to court and in the 5 weeks he has been gone he has see our daughter twice.
1st time by accident in the eary days when he thought we would be out and he came home for some cash and spent all of 10 mins with her & last sunday for just over an hour which he spent mostly talking to me, flitting in roms looking at what stuff he has here and playing with her inbetween.

He is such a fool, I genuinely dont think he planned to leave and thought he could do the double life thing and now he is hitting probs and running to me, I ve a good mind to tell his new GF to sort his probs so he quits contactin me but the sensible part of me knows best to not even go there ...........grr just my daily rant lol x


----------



## Blu10

Hopefully the way he is behaving towards you and your daughter may help you to see that you're better without him in the long term! X


----------



## sambucababy

i ve gone from anger to complete depression again, i feel a nutcase riught now, cant get my head around everything still, all i can think is why why why. I hate myself for becoming such a victim!


----------



## Seraphim

:hugs:

Again, this is really normal.

Today I moved my husband's coat (he was upstairs bathing H) and burst into tears. I haven't touched him in months and touching his coat was just strange.

I don't want him back, I can't even find _any_ love for him, but it hit me hard that I loved him so much, and this is how he chose to repay me.

They're shitty times hon, but they will pass. Keep breathing xx


----------



## peanut08

:hugs::hugs::hugs: didnt want to read and run sounds like your getting some great advice, i have not been in your situation so cannot offer any but i just wanted to say be strong and you will get through it.:hugs::hugs:


----------



## Vixen_17

Keep your chin up hun because you are doing SO well! Finally those rose tinted glasses are starting to slip off and you can see the asshole for what he really is.

Focus on yourself and on your gorgeous daughter and just take one day at a time.

-x-


----------



## sambucababy

having another bad day must be a phase as its about my 3rd one, i feel so down :(


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## stardust599

Chin up sweetie, you can do this. I haven't been in your situation but I have suffered depressive episodes all my life and mood problems (what I now think is bipolar) so I wanted to come in and reply.

Are you on an anti-depressant?

Is LO in bed now?

Hot shower, blow dry your hair, put on a nice clean pair of pyjamas and watch a feel good film or a comedy (Michael McIntye and Kevin Bridges are my favourite for the worst periods of my life). You are a beautiful, worthy and strong woman and you CAN do this.

Tomorrow is a brand new day and you make it through.

Get up, give your little baby a huge cuddle and remind her just how much you love her. Wash your face and brush your teeth and have a big glass of cold, clean water to set you up for the day. Get breakfast for you and LO and put a pretty outfit on both of you. Go a nice walk to the park or shop or anywhere.

This is what I do after a bad day and I promise it'll make you feel better. Give it a shot and I'll come check how you are doing tomorrow xxx


----------



## Lillismommy

Just wanted to offer some :hugs: 

What an asshole.


----------



## Snowball

:hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

Thanks ladies still feeling pretty rotten but not heard off him so sort of easier if that makes sense, treating myself to a pamper day today, having nails and pedicure done in a bit so hopefully that'll be a distraction & get me out the house for a while.

Revised my xmas list too, I have so little to get now he has gone and have no contact with his famo so guess thats another plus lol , might start getting a few bits in here and there and try take my mind of stuff. Keep flitting between depression and agitatedness/anger {sort of between the two}

I also need to shift some pounds so thats anpther focus too, I am trying Lol - heres to a better day hopefully x


----------



## Snowball

:hugs:

Do his family still see your daughter. My ex husband's family ceased contact which I thought was a real shame (but their loos obviously). 

Hope your day is a better one. If it helps you seem to be coping a million times better than I did (I was rocking back and forth in a darkened room for a good couple of months :blush)


----------



## sambucababy

Snowball said:


> :hugs:
> 
> Do his family still see your daughter. My ex husband's family ceased contact which I thought was a real shame (but their loos obviously).
> 
> Hope your day is a better one. If it helps you seem to be coping a million times better than I did (I was rocking back and forth in a darkened room for a good couple of months :blush)

Hi, I ve never had a great deal of contact with his family other than bdays/xmas and the odd occassion as we are all shift workers and hard to get everyone together att one time. His family have only seen our daughter about 6 times sinces she was born and not all since the split, nor have I had any form of contact text, email etc - there again who knows what he has told them.

Today so far hasnt been bad as I ve had my pamper apt, had an online counselling session from RElate which wasnt overly helpful as in nothing I didnt already know but was another persons perspective on the situation.

Glad you feel Im coping well, I feel completely mental somedays lol, sobbing like those wimpy people on TV who you just wanna shout at to being snappy and irritable to those who are trying to be there for me. Still no contact so am guessing I ve really annoyed him this weekend just gone, part of my doesnt care anymore part of me misses him like mad but reality is we will never get back together and even if we wanted to it would never ever work. I just have to tackle the next step of getting out and making new friends, im just not completely ready for that at the min but getting there.

Part of me hopes I never hear from him again as its easier another part of me knows I will when he wants or needs something. Joys of life hey!


----------



## sambucababy

Great having another depressed day, missing him wanting him back, whats wrong with me, why cant i just move on, getting me down big time now, still doesnt feel real either, oh i really need to snap out of all this am so annoyed at myself!


----------



## Seraphim

I found oggling cute young men helped :thumbup:


...what am I talking about - it STILL helps :rofl:


----------



## stardust599

sambucababy said:


> Great having another depressed day, missing him wanting him back, whats wrong with me, why cant i just move on, getting me down big time now, still doesnt feel real either, oh i really need to snap out of all this am so annoyed at myself!



Are you on medication for depression hun? It really sounds more than just grieving for your relationship. I found 5-HTP really helped me with depression when it was mild (and it knocks you out all night) although have recently had to start an SSRI as it wasn't enough.

Have a google of 5-HTP and see what you think, I think it's amazing but I'm a bit of a herbal geek/hippie! xx


----------



## Laura2919

Seraphim said:


> :hugs:
> 
> Again, this is really normal.
> 
> Today I moved my husband's coat (he was upstairs bathing H) and burst into tears. I haven't touched him in months and touching his coat was just strange.
> 
> I don't want him back, I can't even find _any_ love for him, but it hit me hard that I loved him so much, and this is how he chose to repay me.
> 
> They're shitty times hon, but they will pass. Keep breathing xx

I agree with this. FOB and I have only been apart a week but the only reason I would take him back is because the thought of change scares me. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares me but they arent reasons to get back with someone so I wont and I remind myself just what a waste of time it would be. 
:hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

[/QUOTE] Are you on medication for depression hun? It really sounds more than just grieving for your relationship. I found 5-HTP really helped me with depression when it was mild (and it knocks you out all night) although have recently had to start an SSRI as it wasn't enough.

Have a google of 5-HTP and see what you think, I think it's amazing but I'm a bit of a herbal geek/hippie! xx[/QUOTE]

Hiya Im on diazepam, prozac & sleeping tabs - the diazepam helped a lot at first but as its addicitive the doc doesnt really want me on it long term and said the benefit of the drug very quickly becomes too tolerant, the prozac i've only been on for 3 weeks so can take 6-8 wks to fully take efffect and even then the doseage may need to be altered and to be honest i dont really need the sleeping tabs any more as im exhausted by the end of the day but handy I guess if something happens and I cant sleep.

Never heard of 5-HTP, have googled it and peeps have said ok but with the meds Im taking at the moment the doc prob would recommend I add anything else, but thanks for the suggestion hun x 

Your right I would say I feel that Im grieving as such I feel terribly depressed, agitated and sometimes very anxious, a couple of days ago I had a good day then yesterday wasnt so good but then up & down days are probably totally normal. Guess in long term things will settle and I'll cope a bit better, part of me thinks Im still a little in shock. Still seeing GP regular and am due a second counselling session soon so suppose am making some progress just very small steps at the min !! x


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Seraphim said:
> 
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> Again, this is really normal.
> 
> Today I moved my husband's coat (he was upstairs bathing H) and burst into tears. I haven't touched him in months and touching his coat was just strange.
> 
> I don't want him back, I can't even find _any_ love for him, but it hit me hard that I loved him so much, and this is how he chose to repay me.
> 
> They're shitty times hon, but they will pass. Keep breathing xx
> 
> I agree with this. FOB and I have only been apart a week but the only reason I would take him back is because the thought of change scares me. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares me but they arent reasons to get back with someone so I wont and I remind myself just what a waste of time it would be.
> :hugs:Click to expand...

Totally agree with your feelings about being scared and alone, part of me would love him back but deep down in the long term it just wouldnt and could work and would probably make my everyday life very miserable as there would be no trust,lots of paranoia and too much baggage in my case.

Im scared of being alone forever and the thought of finding someeone new seems like mission impossible but right now thats not what I need either, guess the one good thing to come out of all this is my daughter even if she does drive me insane at times lol x Good luck to you too hun xx


----------



## sambucababy

still so unhappy i just cant seem to get past this sad stage, am only writing down how i feel in the hope it might make me feel less sad. Despite everything I miss him so much, im gutted he has done this to us an d emotionally im a wreck, Im so so unhappy, I talk to people and everyone agrees he has acted badly, but at the end of the day none of that changes how im feeling. 
Seen docs, having counselling, taking meds, talkin to friends and family, trying to get out of the house but nothing takes away the pain im in, i feel so down I cant get my head around any of it, Dunno how much longer i can hold myself together every day is harder and sadder im so unhappy, I dont know what to do anymore


----------



## stardust599

Oh hun :-(

Your daughter is the most important person here and for her sake you need to be strong and keep going. She needs her Mummy.

Maybe you should go back to the DR for some more support and let them know you aren't coping?

Hope you feel better soon xxx


----------



## Snowball

:hugs:

How long has it been now hun? I was really down for a good couple of months after ex DH went. Then I started to improve but it's been slow. Children are the saviour in this situation, my kids are what kept me going. I hate to admit it but at the time I was obsessed with caring for them because I felt they were the last bit of me and him left. Now I care for them because I'm going to make up for the sham of a glory parent he is now... Times do change hun and you'll be so much stronger for it :hugs:


----------



## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Seraphim said:
> 
> 
> :hugs:
> 
> Again, this is really normal.
> 
> Today I moved my husband's coat (he was upstairs bathing H) and burst into tears. I haven't touched him in months and touching his coat was just strange.
> 
> I don't want him back, I can't even find _any_ love for him, but it hit me hard that I loved him so much, and this is how he chose to repay me.
> 
> They're shitty times hon, but they will pass. Keep breathing xx
> 
> I agree with this. FOB and I have only been apart a week but the only reason I would take him back is because the thought of change scares me. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life scares me but they arent reasons to get back with someone so I wont and I remind myself just what a waste of time it would be.
> :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> Totally agree with your feelings about being scared and alone, part of me would love him back but deep down in the long term it just wouldnt and could work and would probably make my everyday life very miserable as there would be no trust,lots of paranoia and too much baggage in my case.
> 
> Im scared of being alone forever and the thought of finding someeone new seems like mission impossible but right now thats not what I need either, guess the one good thing to come out of all this is my daughter even if she does drive me insane at times lol x Good luck to you too hun xxClick to expand...

I am exactly the same, if I met someone now it wouldnt be right, I need to focus on me and what I need to do for myself. I want to lose weight, find some confidence and enjoy being single. Its hard especially as FOB is around for my girls it makes it harder seeing him but I know the reasons why we dont work and down days may come and they may go but those reasons still stay the same. You wont be alone forever, someone will come along one day. Think positive, enjoy what you have for now.


----------



## sambucababy

stardust599 said:


> Oh hun :-(
> 
> Your daughter is the most important person here and for her sake you need to be strong and keep going. She needs her Mummy.
> 
> Maybe you should go back to the DR for some more support and let them know you aren't coping?
> 
> Hope you feel better soon xxx

I am back at the docs its really hard getting an appt with the same doc each time but its what i feel i need, he said previously he would increase by prozac by an extra tablet if things didnt work out - i ve done this myself and its still not helping {obv i'll tell him at my next apt) Im just so down.

My daughter stresses me out i know thats a horrible thing to say i love her loads but i feel anxious nervous, stressed harrassed my poor mom has been a god send coz the last thing i want is to see my daughter unhappy because of me - im a complete wreck yet i have the odd moment here and there where i appear a complete normalton, Im deffo not coping i feel like im going backwards i ve paid for private counselling but NOTHING seems to help me - maybe the doc can change my meds or add something different in Im just not doing well x


----------



## sambucababy

Snowball said:


> :hugs:
> 
> How long has it been now hun? I was really down for a good couple of months after ex DH went. Then I started to improve but it's been slow. Children are the saviour in this situation, my kids are what kept me going. I hate to admit it but at the time I was obsessed with caring for them because I felt they were the last bit of me and him left. Now I care for them because I'm going to make up for the sham of a glory parent he is now... Times do change hun and you'll be so much stronger for it :hugs:

It'll be 6 weeks Tues since he went 5 weeks the weekend since i found out , my problem is the lies, deception and the fact I NEVER knew there were problems , i actually dont think i will ever completekly overcome this its a huge shock, yes in time it may be easier to cope but as for forgetting im not so sure.
selfish as it sounds i seem to only think of myself - i ve snapped at friends and famo and tried my best with my LO but feel like im not giving her the life she wud be having had this not happened.

He ttexts loads asking how she is but he has seen her twice since he left not good enough in my opinion for a father to be a father - i genuinelly think in a few weeks he will disappear and stop contact alltoghter, yet this child he WANTED with me and now he has chosen the other girl and the child he didnt originally want, Im just so mixed up its like we dont exist or matter sometimez


----------



## Laura2919

Maybe your daughter is picking up on how you feel and thats why she is stressing you out. Kids have a good sense of feelings. Have you tried taking her out to toddler clubs and try to meet people there? You could contact your council and see if they have any of those drop in meetings to meet new people.


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Maybe your daughter is picking up on how you feel and thats why she is stressing you out. Kids have a good sense of feelings. Have you tried taking her out to toddler clubs and try to meet people there? You could contact your council and see if they have any of those drop in meetings to meet new people.


Hiya

Yes your probably right, I have taken a few time just normal things like park & shopping etc but my anxiety is worsened when Im out and I dont feel strong enough to approach a toddler club at the moment and a lot of them tend to be very cickey and im finding it hardkeeping myself composed at times I just feel like I getting worse rather than any sign of improvement or at list maintaining how I originally felt or maybe this is normal part of the process i dont know i just feel very confused by the whole situation and my feelings etc


----------



## Laura2919

Why dont you ask your mum to go with you and help you out and slowly slowly when you feel ready you can start to do it on your own. You need to find something to do so you can move on and forget, the longer you keep going over it in your head the more it will eat away at you. You can do it, you just need a little help getting there. Rely on your mum if you need to you know she is there to help you. Hope things look up soon :hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Why dont you ask your mum to go with you and help you out and slowly slowly when you feel ready you can start to do it on your own. You need to find something to do so you can move on and forget, the longer you keep going over it in your head the more it will eat away at you. You can do it, you just need a little help getting there. Rely on your mum if you need to you know she is there to help you. Hope things look up soon :hugs:

Thank you xx some good ideas there x


----------



## Vixen_17

Laura2919 said:


> Why dont you ask your mum to go with you and help you out and slowly slowly when you feel ready you can start to do it on your own. You need to find something to do so you can move on and forget, the longer you keep going over it in your head the more it will eat away at you. You can do it, you just need a little help getting there. Rely on your mum if you need to you know she is there to help you. Hope things look up soon :hugs:

This is a brilliant idea! You will take a while to feel better and should know that it will take a while for the meds to kick in. If mum will help you get out and about I really do believe you will start to take tiny steps to feel better. Sitting in the house all day is not doing you or your daughter any favours hun.


----------



## cluelessnow

It's terrible what happened to you. Just wanted to give you :hugs: 

Don't give yourself such a hard time. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but then allow yourself to let them go. 

I know you're in a rush to make new friends, do new things, get a life etc and you will in time. You still need to deal with what's going on inside you. In the day time, keep yourself busy and distract yourself but there will times that you will be hit by your emotions and they will paralyse you eg during the night and especially when everyone else is asleep. I find something that has helped me in the past and thought it might help you.

When LO is asleep and you're hurting inside, lie down, curl up and imagine yourself encased in a invisible protective clear ball, then imagine someone who cares about you eg your mum or a healthier and happier version of yourself and they're rubbing the area on your body where it hurts the most and telling you that everything is going to be alright or anything that would make you feel better. It helped me when I felt such emotional pain that I couldn't get up out of bed.:hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

cluelessnow said:


> It's terrible what happened to you. Just wanted to give you :hugs:
> 
> Don't give yourself such a hard time. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but then allow yourself to let them go.
> 
> I know you're in a rush to make new friends, do new things, get a life etc and you will in time. You still need to deal with what's going on inside you. In the day time, keep yourself busy and distract yourself but there will times that you will be hit by your emotions and they will paralyse you eg during the night and especially when everyone else is asleep. I find something that has helped me in the past and thought it might help you.
> 
> When LO is asleep and you're hurting inside, lie down, curl up and imagine yourself encased in a invisible protective clear ball, then imagine someone who cares about you eg your mum or a healthier and happier version of yourself and they're rubbing the area on your body where it hurts the most and telling you that everything is going to be alright or anything that would make you feel better. It helped me when I felt such emotional pain that I couldn't get up out of bed.:hugs:

Thanks hun, weeks an and honestly I can say it still doesnt feel any easier, Im so sad 24-7 and would love him back but I know this will never happen or would never work. Letting go is where I seem to struggle, I try to keep busy and focused and occupied but its always still there in my mind, somedays I just break down in the most inappropriate of places I just cant help it. Am still seeing doc he has changed meds but no difference yet still early days and had a couple of counselling sessions which havent been overly helpful but maybe the odd thing here and there has come out of it.

My emotions do paralyis me I feel so lonely hurt and distressed, I talk to friend family and strangers but after a while people dont know what to say as its already been said / thought of yet I cant move forward yet. I hate the fact that he just doesnt give a toss about us, that hurts too, at least a bit or remorse / regret may have helped me in some way. I know I have my daughter parents and a close friend but equally I feel like I have noone - I feel lost lonely and scared about facing the future but life doesnt stop just coz I cant cope. Its a horrible horrible place to be, sometimes I wish something terrible would happen and Id die just to get awayy from the pain, lie a car crash - I would never kill myself and then I realise how selfish it is of me to say that as I have a daughter who needs me but this pain is unbearable, I hate it so badly.

Other people experience horrible things like this yet I seem to be reacting so pathetically, why am I sat here crying over him, mourning him, wanting him back why cant I feel and be stronger and reach that F*** You stage, sometimes I thing Im getting worse but doc/ counseller think difff, my friends dont think Im copin too well and nor do my parents yet the professionsals think I am. I actually feel insane, I asked to be sectioned for assessment but have been told its completely unnecessary, Im not sure how Im getting through each day but reality is that I am, Im soo tired of it all, I just want some peace back x

Thanks for your helpful message, nice to know strangers can be so kind, I feel so down x


----------



## Vixen_17

Hun, you are not insane and don't think that you are. Hard as it sounds you will look back on this period in your life in a year or so and you'll see how far you've come, how much progress you have made. I promise. x.

Don't even think about trying to get yourself sectioned as what you're feeling is totally normal for what you've just been put through. Concentrate on getting to the end of every day and on caring for your daughter as she needs your energy and your attention. Focus on her. Make her your absolute world. xx.


----------



## sambucababy

Vixen_17 said:


> Hun, you are not insane and don't think that you are. Hard as it sounds you will look back on this period in your life in a year or so and you'll see how far you've come, how much progress you have made. I promise. x.
> 
> Don't even think about trying to get yourself sectioned as what you're feeling is totally normal for what you've just been put through. Concentrate on getting to the end of every day and on caring for your daughter as she needs your energy and your attention. Focus on her. Make her your absolute world. xx.

Lol I feel a mental case lately !!! I love my daughter so much I ve wanted her for years then I thought I couldnt have children then I found out about this other child and they last few years of my life have been a rollercoaster.

He told me he loved me still the other day - i said if you did you would never have done this to us and deffo not the way you did, have heard nothing since, but I feel so desperately sad and hurt and Im scared of this rubbing off on my daughter no matter how hard I try to be strong around her. She is perfect everything I ever wanted and now she'll have no dad or family coz her dad was too much of a coward to be honest with me before I fell pregnant. I just wish I could find a tiny way of moving forward and feeling just slightky happier but it just doesnt seem to be happening for me rite now and early days maybe it seems like forever. Im just hearbroken still guess its normal but I genunely hate feeling so low especially when i ve tried to help myself so much or at least thought i had!


----------



## Laura2919

He is a head fuck, he didnt really need to tell you that if he had no intention of doing anything about it. Just another way of causing you more hurt. I dont know what to suggest but you really need a boost. 

I'd leave him to it. Try and claw back some life that he is so determind to ruin. :hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> He is a head fuck, he didnt really need to tell you that if he had no intention of doing anything about it. Just another way of causing you more hurt. I dont know what to suggest but you really need a boost.
> 
> I'd leave him to it. Try and claw back some life that he is so determind to ruin. :hugs:

Totally agree I gave him a round of verbal and said he is just trying to mess with my head & that i dont care or believe he lies awake at nite wondering if we are oj etc & to basicaly leave me alone. He hasnt contacted me since Only 2 days and I dont make contact with him unless he contacts me but from now on im not even going to do that unless he only asks about our daughter.

I believe he has issues but those are his problems - he also told me all the children in his family consider me their aunt and always will do - I said i cant be u have a new partner now, she will be their aunt and he was like no you've known them from day 1 she will never be their aunt u r.........its like he is living in lala land, i told him im not she is and to basically go away. He just wants me to buy their xmas/bday presents. Im also sure the reason he wants this girl so much is because she doest chase or beg him, everytime its been him wanting her, asking to live with her coz he knew I loved him and would always want him, whereas coz she couldnt give two hoots either way that made him want her all the more . She knows all about me & whats gone on so they deserve each other imo

*If* he speaks this way about her & means it then that clearly aint gonna last long either - he needs to get his act together he has two innocent kids, has hurt countless people yet STILL doesnt see he has done anything wrong, I take ite back its him who is insane !!


----------



## Blu10

Sorry I've not been in touch hun, been on holiday. Sorry to see this stupid man is still messing up ur head, he needs a kick up the arse!! Hope he's making the effort with your princess x


----------



## sambucababy

Hi hun no he has only seen her once 3 weeks ago for about an hour, am still a mess the same lol x Hope you had a good break away x


----------



## cluelessnow

sambucababy said:


> cluelessnow said:
> 
> 
> It's terrible what happened to you. Just wanted to give you :hugs:
> 
> Don't give yourself such a hard time. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but then allow yourself to let them go.
> 
> I know you're in a rush to make new friends, do new things, get a life etc and you will in time. You still need to deal with what's going on inside you. In the day time, keep yourself busy and distract yourself but there will times that you will be hit by your emotions and they will paralyse you eg during the night and especially when everyone else is asleep. I find something that has helped me in the past and thought it might help you.
> 
> When LO is asleep and you're hurting inside, lie down, curl up and imagine yourself encased in a invisible protective clear ball, then imagine someone who cares about you eg your mum or a healthier and happier version of yourself and they're rubbing the area on your body where it hurts the most and telling you that everything is going to be alright or anything that would make you feel better. It helped me when I felt such emotional pain that I couldn't get up out of bed.:hugs:
> 
> Thanks hun, weeks an and honestly I can say it still doesnt feel any easier, Im so sad 24-7 and would love him back but I know this will never happen or would never work. Letting go is where I seem to struggle, I try to keep busy and focused and occupied but its always still there in my mind, somedays I just break down in the most inappropriate of places I just cant help it. Am still seeing doc he has changed meds but no difference yet still early days and had a couple of counselling sessions which havent been overly helpful but maybe the odd thing here and there has come out of it.
> 
> My emotions do paralyis me I feel so lonely hurt and distressed, I talk to friend family and strangers but after a while people dont know what to say as its already been said / thought of yet I cant move forward yet. I hate the fact that he just doesnt give a toss about us, that hurts too, at least a bit or remorse / regret may have helped me in some way. I know I have my daughter parents and a close friend but equally I feel like I have noone - I feel lost lonely and scared about facing the future but life doesnt stop just coz I cant cope. Its a horrible horrible place to be, sometimes I wish something terrible would happen and Id die just to get awayy from the pain, lie a car crash - I would never kill myself and then I realise how selfish it is of me to say that as I have a daughter who needs me but this pain is unbearable, I hate it so badly.
> 
> Other people experience horrible things like this yet I seem to be reacting so pathetically, why am I sat here crying over him, mourning him, wanting him back why cant I feel and be stronger and reach that F*** You stage, sometimes I thing Im getting worse but doc/ counseller think difff, my friends dont think Im copin too well and nor do my parents yet the professionsals think I am. I actually feel insane, I asked to be sectioned for assessment but have been told its completely unnecessary, Im not sure how Im getting through each day but reality is that I am, Im soo tired of it all, I just want some peace back x
> 
> Thanks for your helpful message, nice to know strangers can be so kind, I feel so down xClick to expand...

Again please don't give yourself such a hard time. I'm going through the same thing but the unhinged stage lasted a handful of days before I realised that I don't want anything to happen to LO inside me, needing me to be strong. 

Here's a link you might find useful about the different stages of grief: https://www.ttlntl.co.uk/2/Grieving/griefstages.htm

You're going through the first - you're going through a mourning, a death of a relationship, a death of a future you so wanted. I think I'm going through this too. I'm still in denial. And when it happened a week or so ago, I went a little bit insane/crazy and there were times I wanted to hurt myself by neglect or by doing something stupid. Please, please, LO doesn't deserve to go through this with us. We have to think about LO from now on.

Stop giving yourself a hard time - just allow yourself to mope and mourn, looking after yourself at the same time. Take one day at a time. What I find useful to focus on LO instead of FOB, I started a journal writing to my baby every day and only include positive things in it - write down each day something you're grateful for - I find that helps me. If you have spoken to everyone and repeated yourself many times, why not start a separate journal for yourself - there you can repeat yourself as much as you want, get all the negative stuff out.

I totally understand why he's always on your mind. Me too, it goes round and round my head like a clothes in a washing machine. I learnt this technique from Paul McKenna's book about getting over heart break. Every time you see his image in your mind. Imagine him smaller and turn the image black and white and then when his image gets really smaller, I pretend to kick him over the horizon until I see him disappear. Good luck and take care of yourself. :hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

cluelessnow said:


> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cluelessnow said:
> 
> 
> It's terrible what happened to you. Just wanted to give you :hugs:
> 
> Don't give yourself such a hard time. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but then allow yourself to let them go.
> 
> I know you're in a rush to make new friends, do new things, get a life etc and you will in time. You still need to deal with what's going on inside you. In the day time, keep yourself busy and distract yourself but there will times that you will be hit by your emotions and they will paralyse you eg during the night and especially when everyone else is asleep. I find something that has helped me in the past and thought it might help you.
> 
> When LO is asleep and you're hurting inside, lie down, curl up and imagine yourself encased in a invisible protective clear ball, then imagine someone who cares about you eg your mum or a healthier and happier version of yourself and they're rubbing the area on your body where it hurts the most and telling you that everything is going to be alright or anything that would make you feel better. It helped me when I felt such emotional pain that I couldn't get up out of bed.:hugs:
> 
> Thanks hun, weeks an and honestly I can say it still doesnt feel any easier, Im so sad 24-7 and would love him back but I know this will never happen or would never work. Letting go is where I seem to struggle, I try to keep busy and focused and occupied but its always still there in my mind, somedays I just break down in the most inappropriate of places I just cant help it. Am still seeing doc he has changed meds but no difference yet still early days and had a couple of counselling sessions which havent been overly helpful but maybe the odd thing here and there has come out of it.
> 
> My emotions do paralyis me I feel so lonely hurt and distressed, I talk to friend family and strangers but after a while people dont know what to say as its already been said / thought of yet I cant move forward yet. I hate the fact that he just doesnt give a toss about us, that hurts too, at least a bit or remorse / regret may have helped me in some way. I know I have my daughter parents and a close friend but equally I feel like I have noone - I feel lost lonely and scared about facing the future but life doesnt stop just coz I cant cope. Its a horrible horrible place to be, sometimes I wish something terrible would happen and Id die just to get awayy from the pain, lie a car crash - I would never kill myself and then I realise how selfish it is of me to say that as I have a daughter who needs me but this pain is unbearable, I hate it so badly.
> 
> Other people experience horrible things like this yet I seem to be reacting so pathetically, why am I sat here crying over him, mourning him, wanting him back why cant I feel and be stronger and reach that F*** You stage, sometimes I thing Im getting worse but doc/ counseller think difff, my friends dont think Im copin too well and nor do my parents yet the professionsals think I am. I actually feel insane, I asked to be sectioned for assessment but have been told its completely unnecessary, Im not sure how Im getting through each day but reality is that I am, Im soo tired of it all, I just want some peace back x
> 
> Thanks for your helpful message, nice to know strangers can be so kind, I feel so down xClick to expand...
> 
> Again please don't give yourself such a hard time. I'm going through the same thing but the unhinged stage lasted a handful of days before I realised that I don't want anything to happen to LO inside me, needing me to be strong.
> 
> Here's a link you might find useful about the different stages of grief: https://www.ttlntl.co.uk/2/Grieving/griefstages.htm
> 
> You're going through the first - you're going through a mourning, a death of a relationship, a death of a future you so wanted. I think I'm going through this too. I'm still in denial. And when it happened a week or so ago, I went a little bit insane/crazy and there were times I wanted to hurt myself by neglect or by doing something stupid. Please, please, LO doesn't deserve to go through this with us. We have to think about LO from now on.
> 
> Stop giving yourself a hard time - just allow yourself to mope and mourn, looking after yourself at the same time. Take one day at a time. What I find useful to focus on LO instead of FOB, I started a journal writing to my baby every day and only include positive things in it - write down each day something you're grateful for - I find that helps me. If you have spoken to everyone and repeated yourself many times, why not start a separate journal for yourself - there you can repeat yourself as much as you want, get all the negative stuff out.
> 
> I totally understand why he's always on your mind. Me too, it goes round and round my head like a clothes in a washing machine. I learnt this technique from Paul McKenna's book about getting over heart break. Every time you see his image in your mind. Imagine him smaller and turn the image black and white and then when his image gets really smaller, I pretend to kick him over the horizon until I see him disappear. Good luck and take care of yourself. :hugs:Click to expand...

Hi hun, thank you for the link, unhinged is a brilliant word to describe how I feel right now :(

I know I need to be strong but it just still hurts so bad, I miss her so much
even though what he did was awful. 

I dont want to hurt myself but I hate waking up each morning knowing he is never coming home or doesnt lovve me anymore, sometimes I wish I was involved in a fatal traffic accident or similar but dont feel like self harming or
suicide if that makes sense I just dont want to be feeling this pain so much, incredibly selfish I know I love my daughter but my emotions are controlling me and thats not fair for her, I just cant seem to get it together properly.

I speak to family and a friend about whats happened sometimes that helps sometimes it makes me feel sadder,you seem more positive and stronger than me at the moment, I feel weak and wimpy - not the person I normally am.

I am keeping a diary but of events relating to FOB incase we ever end up in court or if he chooses to blank her from his life at least she will be able to see
I tried for her.

I'll try the image thing, thanks for that one x You seem to be much more focussed and determined than me I admire you, I feel like Im just wallowing in self pity, I just love him so much he was my world and now
the future scares me !! 

You take care too and thanks for such a lovely message x


----------



## cluelessnow

sambucababy said:


> cluelessnow said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cluelessnow said:
> 
> 
> It's terrible what happened to you. Just wanted to give you :hugs:
> 
> Don't give yourself such a hard time. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings but then allow yourself to let them go.
> 
> I know you're in a rush to make new friends, do new things, get a life etc and you will in time. You still need to deal with what's going on inside you. In the day time, keep yourself busy and distract yourself but there will times that you will be hit by your emotions and they will paralyse you eg during the night and especially when everyone else is asleep. I find something that has helped me in the past and thought it might help you.
> 
> When LO is asleep and you're hurting inside, lie down, curl up and imagine yourself encased in a invisible protective clear ball, then imagine someone who cares about you eg your mum or a healthier and happier version of yourself and they're rubbing the area on your body where it hurts the most and telling you that everything is going to be alright or anything that would make you feel better. It helped me when I felt such emotional pain that I couldn't get up out of bed.:hugs:
> 
> Thanks hun, weeks an and honestly I can say it still doesnt feel any easier, Im so sad 24-7 and would love him back but I know this will never happen or would never work. Letting go is where I seem to struggle, I try to keep busy and focused and occupied but its always still there in my mind, somedays I just break down in the most inappropriate of places I just cant help it. Am still seeing doc he has changed meds but no difference yet still early days and had a couple of counselling sessions which havent been overly helpful but maybe the odd thing here and there has come out of it.
> 
> My emotions do paralyis me I feel so lonely hurt and distressed, I talk to friend family and strangers but after a while people dont know what to say as its already been said / thought of yet I cant move forward yet. I hate the fact that he just doesnt give a toss about us, that hurts too, at least a bit or remorse / regret may have helped me in some way. I know I have my daughter parents and a close friend but equally I feel like I have noone - I feel lost lonely and scared about facing the future but life doesnt stop just coz I cant cope. Its a horrible horrible place to be, sometimes I wish something terrible would happen and Id die just to get awayy from the pain, lie a car crash - I would never kill myself and then I realise how selfish it is of me to say that as I have a daughter who needs me but this pain is unbearable, I hate it so badly.
> 
> Other people experience horrible things like this yet I seem to be reacting so pathetically, why am I sat here crying over him, mourning him, wanting him back why cant I feel and be stronger and reach that F*** You stage, sometimes I thing Im getting worse but doc/ counseller think difff, my friends dont think Im copin too well and nor do my parents yet the professionsals think I am. I actually feel insane, I asked to be sectioned for assessment but have been told its completely unnecessary, Im not sure how Im getting through each day but reality is that I am, Im soo tired of it all, I just want some peace back x
> 
> Thanks for your helpful message, nice to know strangers can be so kind, I feel so down xClick to expand...
> 
> Again please don't give yourself such a hard time. I'm going through the same thing but the unhinged stage lasted a handful of days before I realised that I don't want anything to happen to LO inside me, needing me to be strong.
> 
> Here's a link you might find useful about the different stages of grief: https://www.ttlntl.co.uk/2/Grieving/griefstages.htm
> 
> You're going through the first - you're going through a mourning, a death of a relationship, a death of a future you so wanted. I think I'm going through this too. I'm still in denial. And when it happened a week or so ago, I went a little bit insane/crazy and there were times I wanted to hurt myself by neglect or by doing something stupid. Please, please, LO doesn't deserve to go through this with us. We have to think about LO from now on.
> 
> Stop giving yourself a hard time - just allow yourself to mope and mourn, looking after yourself at the same time. Take one day at a time. What I find useful to focus on LO instead of FOB, I started a journal writing to my baby every day and only include positive things in it - write down each day something you're grateful for - I find that helps me. If you have spoken to everyone and repeated yourself many times, why not start a separate journal for yourself - there you can repeat yourself as much as you want, get all the negative stuff out.
> 
> I totally understand why he's always on your mind. Me too, it goes round and round my head like a clothes in a washing machine. I learnt this technique from Paul McKenna's book about getting over heart break. Every time you see his image in your mind. Imagine him smaller and turn the image black and white and then when his image gets really smaller, I pretend to kick him over the horizon until I see him disappear. Good luck and take care of yourself. :hugs:Click to expand...
> 
> Hi hun, thank you for the link, unhinged is a brilliant word to describe how I feel right now :(
> 
> I know I need to be strong but it just still hurts so bad, I miss her so much
> even though what he did was awful.
> 
> I dont want to hurt myself but I hate waking up each morning knowing he is never coming home or doesnt lovve me anymore, sometimes I wish I was involved in a fatal traffic accident or similar but dont feel like self harming or
> suicide if that makes sense I just dont want to be feeling this pain so much, incredibly selfish I know I love my daughter but my emotions are controlling me and thats not fair for her, I just cant seem to get it together properly.
> 
> I speak to family and a friend about whats happened sometimes that helps sometimes it makes me feel sadder,you seem more positive and stronger than me at the moment, I feel weak and wimpy - not the person I normally am.
> 
> I am keeping a diary but of events relating to FOB incase we ever end up in court or if he chooses to blank her from his life at least she will be able to see
> I tried for her.
> 
> I'll try the image thing, thanks for that one x You seem to be much more focussed and determined than me I admire you, I feel like Im just wallowing in self pity, I just love him so much he was my world and now
> the future scares me !!
> 
> You take care too and thanks for such a lovely message xClick to expand...

Trust me, I'm not that strong, there are a few times a day I want to send him a text telling him that I still love him and beg him to reconsider but I have to let it pass without actually doing it. We are talking still and I'm always tempted to say something mushy. I have to keep reminding myself that he's only talking to me because he wants to be part of LO's life and it's not because of me.

If you want to sleep, then do it. Just make sure you and your LO eat. Simply everything. Do whatever makes you happy and keep doing it. When I feel lonely in bed, I sometimes imagine being hugged trying hard not to think that the one hugging me is him. Think of your favourite male character in a film. I know your mind is either going crazy or thinking of gloom and doom, so occupy your mind and talk to yourself as if your favourite dream man is talking to you, getting you to have a wash, brush your teeth, treat yourself to your favourite film, cook lunch etc etc.

I know it's hard but take a day at a time. One step at a time. Hugs :hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

[/QUOTE]

Trust me, I'm not that strong, there are a few times a day I want to send him a text telling him that I still love him and beg him to reconsider but I have to let it pass without actually doing it. We are talking still and I'm always tempted to say something mushy. I have to keep reminding myself that he's only talking to me because he wants to be part of LO's life and it's not because of me.

If you want to sleep, then do it. Just make sure you and your LO eat. Simply everything. Do whatever makes you happy and keep doing it. When I feel lonely in bed, I sometimes imagine being hugged trying hard not to think that the one hugging me is him. Think of your favourite male character in a film. I know your mind is either going crazy or thinking of gloom and doom, so occupy your mind and talk to yourself as if your favourite dream man is talking to you, getting you to have a wash, brush your teeth, treat yourself to your favourite film, cook lunch etc etc.

I know it's hard but take a day at a time. One step at a time. Hugs :hugs:[/QUOTE]

I still have the urge to phone or text and do the same, I ve deleted his number so I cant and given it to my mom for safe keeping incase something happened to our daughter and I did need to let him know, the days he ignores me are hard yet a bit easier and when I get a text or a couple of texts my heart always hopes its him wanting to come back then sinks when I know its not :(

At the minute he isnt talking to me because I had a go at him about him lying and messing with my head so I feel quite down but even worse knownin he happier with someone else. He mainly texts me about our LO then goes long periods of not bothering, sometimes asks how I am and often then wants a favour or needs to ask me something, he isnt contacting me coz he loves me and regrets it he is just suiting himself!

I do manage to sleep surprisingly but thats probably emotional exhaustion, I ve tried treating and distracting myself and yes it does help a bit but its the way he is constantly either in my thoughts or right behind them and in my head that worries me, sometimes I dont think I'll ever truely be able to accept, move forward & let go emotionally, physically yes. Im lost without him

Ur such a postitive thinker im well and truelly down in the dumps and seem to be completely stuck there, I think I have his stupid hope that he will come to his senses but I know he wont so why cant I just move on too x


----------



## Laura2919

You definitely need a boost. Try something new, even if its hard to do or nerve wracking you need to move on from this. :hugs:


----------



## sambucababy

Im really struggling still Im not copin or moving forwards, my friends have run out of ideas / things to say, the docs have adjusted my meds but this hasnt had any real impact and my councillor has told me to try to stop thinking about it. I ve tried getting out and about and meeting friends but Im still so devesated and I dont know how to move forward from here. Im sat in tears writing this I miss him so much, I loved him so much I just cope anymore. I ve tried talking to him but got no where I just feel so alone and unhappy, I just ant understand why he had to do this to me the way he did,nIm heartbroken I just dont know what to do any more - my LO is happy we are sort of living at my moms so she is oblivous to things at the moment. I know I have to move forward but I dont know how, I miss him terribly but he just doesnt want me yet I never did anything bad or wrong to him Im so deeply hurt - I feel so alone. Time passing isnt helping me if anything its making me feel worse because the reality is setting in, We were together for so long why has he broken my heart?


----------



## Vixen_17

Aww hun, I think days like this are inevitable. You are making progress, you just don't see it. It's only been what 5 or 6 weeks so you will still be feeling the pain. If you had a friend whose husband died you wouldn't expect them to be over it in 6 weeks and you won't be either.

However, wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere.

The reality you talk of setting in - let's have a look at that shall we. If he hadn't have left you, you him and LO would be living this fake life with him seeing someone else behind your back. The reality is that you have got rid of a man who quite frankly doesn't deserve you. The reality is that you and LO will have a much happier life without him. The reality is that you can (and will) build a better life without him in it. Hun, I know these words hurt you but I promise you they are the truth!

I know it's easier said than done but YOU are the only one who can make yourself feel better. We are all here for you, a shoulder to cry on when you need one and some emotional support, don't ever doubt that but there comes a point when you have to take the control back in your life. I don't know when that point will be for you but it will come. I guess that when the counsellor says "don't think about it" it just makes you think of him more!! You need to find something positive to focus your energies on and that positive is your beautiful daughter. You are very lucky to have her and in her you have something that he will never have. Fate is a bitch and karma will come and bite him on the arse at some point.

Stay strong hun.

-x-


----------



## sambucababy

Vixen_17 said:


> Aww hun, I think days like this are inevitable. You are making progress, you just don't see it. It's only been what 5 or 6 weeks so you will still be feeling the pain. If you had a friend whose husband died you wouldn't expect them to be over it in 6 weeks and you won't be either.
> 
> However, wallowing in self pity will get you nowhere.
> 
> The reality you talk of setting in - let's have a look at that shall we. If he hadn't have left you, you him and LO would be living this fake life with him seeing someone else behind your back. The reality is that you have got rid of a man who quite frankly doesn't deserve you. The reality is that you and LO will have a much happier life without him. The reality is that you can (and will) build a better life without him in it. Hun, I know these words hurt you but I promise you they are the truth!
> 
> I know it's easier said than done but YOU are the only one who can make yourself feel better. We are all here for you, a shoulder to cry on when you need one and some emotional support, don't ever doubt that but there comes a point when you have to take the control back in your life. I don't know when that point will be for you but it will come. I guess that when the counsellor says "don't think about it" it just makes you think of him more!! You need to find something positive to focus your energies on and that positive is your beautiful daughter. You are very lucky to have her and in her you have something that he will never have. Fate is a bitch and karma will come and bite him on the arse at some point.
> 
> Stay strong hun.
> 
> -x-

Thank you for taking the time to reply and advise etc. I realise I need to pull myself together and I have tried but know there is probabaly much more I could do I just really feel alll over the place atm.

I wish I could just get to that point of coping, I feel such a wimp and I am wallowing in self pity this is so unlike me I dont feel like me, I dont feel in control and I dont know how best to help myself. 

I know in the long term as most people have said i'll be better off without him and its probably true, but I just feel so lonely and sad etc that just seems like a lifetime away.

Sorry if I annoy anyone on here sometimes I just think if i write down how I feel it might help, to be honest I dont know what im doing half the time I feel so detatched from everything. Im snappy and irritable, crying and wimpy why cant I just be strong and have some self respect. 

I really appreciate everyone who has added to this thread its helps a lot hearing others opinions, own stories and advice etc - Im not commenting much on other threads coz I dont I ve much support or advice to offer to anyone at the moment but I do read them and my heart goes ut to everyone struggling or having a hard time.

I know I must try harder just everything feels and looks so bleak x


----------



## Mum2befirst

Hun,

I went through this last year found out the day our baby was born my husband of 6 years had been cheating he left and never returned. I was a mess...i have only just stopped crying every night. He left in june 2010 and in december 2010 i had met a new man..he had been cheated on too and he raises my baby as his own and so do his parents..i feel so happy right now and believe me...i never thought ide be here... i was such a wreck back then. Im even crying now..the memories are so unbearable and what makes it worse is the father now wants acess and is taking me to court. pleasee be strong xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Mum2befirst said:


> Hun,
> 
> I went through this last year found out the day our baby was born my husband of 6 years had been cheating he left and never returned. I was a mess...i have only just stopped crying every night. He left in june 2010 and in december 2010 i had met a new man..he had been cheated on too and he raises my baby as his own and so do his parents..i feel so happy right now and believe me...i never thought ide be here... i was such a wreck back then. Im even crying now..the memories are so unbearable and what makes it worse is the father now wants acess and is taking me to court. pleasee be strong xxx

Aww thanks hun, glad you got the happy ending but I know what you mean about how painful memories can be. As for your ex wanting access well I hope things dont go the way he wants your settled and so is your baby, he just probably cant stand the fact that you have moved on which is what I wish I could do.

Hit rock bottom yesterday had the pills ready in my hand but didnt called gp and went to see them, got my meds adjusted but far to early for any changes, I still feel as low but I am trying to help myself as odd as that may sound to people.

Going through this is horriffic, the pain in unbearable and Im utterly devasted, I just hope I can move on a bit quicker as its been nearly 8 weeks now and I feel no further forward than day 1. I just dont understand why people cheat and not simply leavve if they are unhappy and as for what my ex did I 'll just never understand why he did this to me, its such a cruel thing to do to someone. 

Thanks agan ladies, hope you have a good weekend x


----------



## Laura2919

Its learning to let go of those feelings. Sometimes it can be so hard, you really need some support, I still think you need to get out there and meet some new people. I know its hard but you can do it. Your still here after all you have been put through. Its such a hard thing to deal with just seperating but under the circumstances you have its bound to really affect you. I so hope the tide changes for you soon.


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Its learning to let go of those feelings. Sometimes it can be so hard, you really need some support, I still think you need to get out there and meet some new people. I know its hard but you can do it. Your still here after all you have been put through. Its such a hard thing to deal with just seperating but under the circumstances you have its bound to really affect you. I so hope the tide changes for you soon.

Laura you sound so strong I feel such a weak person. I ve got my mom, a good friend but doesnt live close by my GP and this site support wise. I havent the confidence to meet new people but I agree it is what I need to do, I havent a clue where to start, I feel so low.

I cant seem to let go, I ve ried docs, counseling yet he is still stuck in my head - like you say its the circumstances I guess, I feel like Im sinking each day yet others thinks im doing OK. Maybe its just me, I really just have had enough. Pls pls let me find some strength to move forwards even a teeny bit would help x


----------



## Laura2919

You spent 18 years with a man who led a completely seperate life for the majority, I think thats bound to live with you forever but you need to let go, who knows when that will happen. It could be tomorrow, could be a few months down the line but your letting him win by feeling like this. 

Try, for you and your LO, to go out and meet someone, even if its just a play group. You will eventually get your life back on track. 

It really angers me when people think they can just cause a train wreck in peoples lives and then not even bother when the pieces are shattered. 

I really really hope you get better hun, If I lived near you I would definitely meet you and help you boost yourself back up


----------



## Scarletvixen

Hi Im in a simular situation to you. 
I have just split with my husband of 14years, he cheated on me last year and we got back together and planned this baby, everythign was fine untill the one he cheated with had his baby 4wks ago and now he is off with her and the baby who is seemingly still in hospital.
I dont ever see a way back from this situation as he has happily dumped his 4 kids and his pregnant wife without a second thought x


----------



## Laura2919

Scarletvixen said:


> Hi Im in a simular situation to you.
> I have just split with my husband of 14years, he cheated on me last year and we got back together and planned this baby, everythign was fine untill the one he cheated with had his baby 4wks ago and now he is off with her and the baby who is seemingly still in hospital.
> I dont ever see a way back from this situation as he has happily dumped his 4 kids and his pregnant wife without a second thought x

Ahh I am sorry hun. Men can be such horrible gits sometimes... :hugs:


How you feeling today hun? I just found out FOB is seeing someone and that they were talking to each other before we even split! Lovely... Men are just complete shites arent they! Seems like there are many of them the same...


----------



## sambucababy

Scarletvixen said:


> Hi Im in a simular situation to you.
> I have just split with my husband of 14years, he cheated on me last year and we got back together and planned this baby, everythign was fine untill the one he cheated with had his baby 4wks ago and now he is off with her and the baby who is seemingly still in hospital.
> I dont ever see a way back from this situation as he has happily dumped his 4 kids and his pregnant wife without a second thought x

Hun men simply amaze me - I cannot believe what makes them do the tings they do, Im still cracking up myself at the moment so not much of a support but the ladies on here have been gret post when you need to someone will always help / be there for you.

good luck to you all x


----------



## Scarletvixen

Thanks :)

For some reason he dont see why i have chucked him out the house, he thinks its ok to be there with her and the baby (btw he sent a txt to my phone by mistake telling her we werent together!) and then walk back into our lives here when he has dumped the kids and doesnt do anything for them, he also thinks that the split is just until things "are sorted out" how the hell do you sort a mess like this out?

Rant over sorry for hijacking your thread hun :oops:


----------



## sambucababy

Scarletvixen said:


> Thanks :)
> 
> For some reason he dont see why i have chucked him out the house, he thinks its ok to be there with her and the baby (btw he sent a txt to my phone by mistake telling her we werent together!) and then walk back into our lives here when he has dumped the kids and doesnt do anything for them, he also thinks that the split is just until things "are sorted out" how the hell do you sort a mess like this out?
> 
> Rant over sorry for hijacking your thread hun :oops:

Men are increadably complex I just dont understand my ex, despite the vile thinghe has done i love and miss him and in an ideal world wud have him back, but in reality he would just do it to me time and time again. Ur exx sounds complex too, what do his family say? My exes family have totally blanked me since he left and our daughter but then again i dont know what he has said he seems to alter his story dependant on who he is around at the time.

Maybe if the property is jointly owned or rented he feels has has a right to be there, Its a horrible time, worse for you with so many kids to fend for but I honestly just feel Im not in the best place to advise. Maybe if thats the case with the property get some free legal advice . As much as I miss my ex, I find it easier when he doesnt phone or text or I dont see him but then equally I feel gutted when he doesnt as he no longer cares for us. 

Where I go from here I dont know, dont worry bout hijacking my thread I only started it as I thought if I could write my thoughts / feelings down it might help and sometimes an outsiders advice or opinion is much more objective than to those close to you. Take care and look after yourself x


----------



## Scarletvixen

Thanks hunni 

Not suprisingly he dont want his family to find out about any it, how he is going to keep that from them i have no idea but they wont hear it from me as its not my place to say anything if they ask.

Suppose we will get there in the end, i know its going to be difficult but we are strong and we will make it xx


----------



## Laura2919

You both deserve much better than you have. Dont ever take them back no matter how lonely and how sad you feel because one day those feelings will pass and you will meet someone who will genuinely love you... 
:hugs: remember you didnt do anything wrong. Those scummy men did. My FOB included


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> You both deserve much better than you have. Dont ever take them back no matter how lonely and how sad you feel because one day those feelings will pass and you will meet someone who will genuinely love you...
> :hugs: remember you didnt do anything wrong. Those scummy men did. My FOB included

None of us did anythiing wrong other than love and trust them, if I wasnt so lazy id make a voodoo doll of him and constantly insert pins in him 24-7 lol or maybe its the year for men and mid life crisies x

Take care ladies x


----------



## Laura2919

I hope it picks up for us all soon :)


----------



## sambucababy

Just updating my online rant lol - feeling much better in myself since stopped the antidepressants and started a different course - the last lot sent me loopy and made me feel very very low.

Looked back through my diary since ex left - he seems to text every 4 days on cue and in 8 wks has seen our daughter once what a disgrace.
Anyhow he text me yesterday ........DAY 4 saying do u want me to get ur dads MOT done for him {he normally does it as my dad is disabled} and how is my little girl? I txt back saying she is fine and thanks for the offer but we will sort the MOT.

Now when he first left I started getting silent calls on my mobile and I told him and he accussed me of accusing her GF which I never, when he had calmed down he said if I got anymore wud I let him know. Now the last 3 days I been haaving them randomly during daytime / work hours onn my house phone - as I have caller display I dont answer and no messages have been left so I mentioned it to him that id had a few.

He text back saying well who has the house number I pointed out hardly anyone except him, his fam and my fam, he then re offered about the MOT and aked me to give his little girl a big kiss from him, which I didnt reply to as i think u've the time to come and collect my dads car and take it for MOT and bring it back yet u dont see ur own daughter.

Anyhow odd thing is no more calls.......................coincidence hmmmm


----------



## Kagerou

Would it be a pain to change your number?

I have been reading your thread from the start and it shocks me how he can actually talk to you knowing what he's done, the whole thing is just outrageous. You are doing really well though!


----------



## sambucababy

Kagerou said:


> Would it be a pain to change your number?
> 
> I have been reading your thread from the start and it shocks me how he can actually talk to you knowing what he's done, the whole thing is just outrageous. You are doing really well though!

Thank you I am feeling a bit better still having off days though, the home phone doesnt bother me and im hoping to move house so will have a new number then which i wont give to him.

I have to let him have my mobile really for our daughters sake but I know what you mean his actions behaviour are outrageous, he has baffled all my friends, doc, and evenn my relate counsellor..............complex guy with issues !!


----------



## Laura2919

Nice to hear your having some good days. Seems like things could be looking up. I hope it continues. 

He lied to you, for years, never go back to that.. Always look forward xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Nice to hear your having some good days. Seems like things could be looking up. I hope it continues.
> 
> He lied to you, for years, never go back to that.. Always look forward xxx

You and me both this is about my 3rd good day - I ve been through hell just couldnt go there again, thanks hun x


----------



## Laura2919

Its really good to see you happy.. :) :) keep those smiles on your face...


----------



## Kagerou

You should give us his number/FB and let us talk sense to him!! :haha: :haha:


----------



## sambucababy

Kagerou said:


> You should give us his number/FB and let us talk sense to him!! :haha: :haha:

Lol now theres an idea !!


----------



## Laura2919

Lol. He wouldnt survive if he had me for an ex. I can be a right nasty cow mind you my ex deserves everything he gets. I hate liars and cheaters!


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Lol. He wouldnt survive if he had me for an ex. I can be a right nasty cow mind you my ex deserves everything he gets. I hate liars and cheaters!

fairplay to u laura i used think i was an evil bugga been compared to janine off EE at times but this totally threw me !!wish u lived nearer u make me laugh !!


----------



## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> Lol. He wouldnt survive if he had me for an ex. I can be a right nasty cow mind you my ex deserves everything he gets. I hate liars and cheaters!
> 
> fairplay to u laura i used think i was an evil bugga been compared to janine off EE at times but this totally threw me !!wish u lived nearer u make me laugh !!Click to expand...

Where do you live? Obviously here in UK to be referring to the darling bitch in EE :haha: 
Oh FOB said I was a witch and that anyone who got with me deserved a medal :haha: fair play to him lol


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> Lol. He wouldnt survive if he had me for an ex. I can be a right nasty cow mind you my ex deserves everything he gets. I hate liars and cheaters!
> 
> fairplay to u laura i used think i was an evil bugga been compared to janine off EE at times but this totally threw me !!wish u lived nearer u make me laugh !!Click to expand...
> 
> Where do you live? Obviously here in UK to be referring to the darling bitch in EE :haha:
> Oh FOB said I was a witch and that anyone who got with me deserved a medal :haha: fair play to him lolClick to expand...

I live in Birmingham UK - where do u live hun.
I reckon both our FOB's wud get on great they both total d**ks !!


----------



## Laura2919

I am in London. :) 

Yeah they could be already friends. They might be in a secret club...


----------



## sambucababy

Just updating for myself realy as having a sad down day for some reason. My ex txt yesterday and is coming to see our daughter 2moz and I just really wish he wasnt comin, it just hurts so much when he goes, id been on a roll last few days have good days now I feel all depressed and gloomy, its best for my daughter I know but i just dread it.

Just having a down day :(


----------



## Laura2919

I'm sorry to hear that hun. :hugs: 

Dont let him win this battle. Make yourself look really pretty and have a big smile on your face. Whatever you do dont show him its hurting. :hugs: xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that hun. :hugs:
> 
> Dont let him win this battle. Make yourself look really pretty and have a big smile on your face. Whatever you do dont show him its hurting. :hugs: xxx

I know but he such a head fuck, still txtn askin how i am sayin he dont know if he happy now etc, all he doing is trying to keep his options open to come back if he gets bored / skint / falls out with her etc and yet I have to be civil coz of our daughter but I know he believes in his head he can come here if he wants etc despite what I ve said and I just feel like Im being used 24-7 whilst he having a great old happy life with her and their son .. oh ignore me im just havin one of them days


----------



## Laura2919

Oh God... Never ever take him back.. He lied to you for years and years, no matter how many times he tells you he loves you, misses you and doesnt feel like he made the right choice doesnt change anything and although your hurting now you wont forever. :hugs: 
He is a proper head fuck... Dont pay any mind to his games.... One day he will be sorry and you will be back on your feet and looking down on him..


----------



## ShanandBoc

Just read this whole thread and although i dont have any advice i just wanted to say you are doing really well, and i dont think anyone could handle waht u have been through any better than u did.

Take care of yourself and your little girl. Hope u cope with him visiting ur daughter tomorrow. Be strong, u didnt deserve any of this.....better things are coming ur way im sure :)


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Oh God... Never ever take him back.. He lied to you for years and years, no matter how many times he tells you he loves you, misses you and doesnt feel like he made the right choice doesnt change anything and although your hurting now you wont forever. :hugs:
> He is a proper head fuck... Dont pay any mind to his games.... One day he will be sorry and you will be back on your feet and looking down on him..

I know II couldnt have him back and I know the hurting will pass, its just mind games he dont give a toss about me, its just got on top of me today for some reason probz coz i gotta face him 2moz,

I dont think he'll ever be sorry i dont think he has any feelings in him except for himself, was doing so well and now I feel like I ve taken 20 steps backwards


----------



## sambucababy

ShanandBoc said:


> Just read this whole thread and although i dont have any advice i just wanted to say you are doing really well, and i dont think anyone could handle waht u have been through any better than u did.
> 
> Take care of yourself and your little girl. Hope u cope with him visiting ur daughter tomorrow. Be strong, u didnt deserve any of this.....better things are coming ur way im sure :)

Do you think? I feel I ve been a total wimp and pushover the entire time, I ve been at rock bottom looking after his child, his family have blanked us - & yet after everything I still love and miss him ..........I am so stupid I just wish my feelings wud go away. He has got it all I feel Like I ve nothin in life, nothing to look forward to ..........oh Im off again wallowing lol !!

Thank you for your kind words, will be glad when tomorrow is over and I'll just have to cope tomorrow as its about my daughter not me, I just hate feelin so down over someone who doesnt give a damm x


----------



## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> Oh God... Never ever take him back.. He lied to you for years and years, no matter how many times he tells you he loves you, misses you and doesnt feel like he made the right choice doesnt change anything and although your hurting now you wont forever. :hugs:
> He is a proper head fuck... Dont pay any mind to his games.... One day he will be sorry and you will be back on your feet and looking down on him..
> 
> I know II couldnt have him back and I know the hurting will pass, its just mind games he dont give a toss about me, its just got on top of me today for some reason probz coz i gotta face him 2moz,
> 
> I dont think he'll ever be sorry i dont think he has any feelings in him except for himself, was doing so well and now I feel like I ve taken 20 steps backwardsClick to expand...

I think it happens for everyone hun. Your not alone :hugs: FOB sister is forever uploading pics to FB saying 'the whole family going for a walk' or her fb status usually consists of 'is having a lovely day with my family' I really wanna say 'no love, its my family' being they are MY children not hers but it wont solve anything. Everything his family do is about point scoring, when FOB and I were together we didnt go anywhere, not to the park, or the farm, or for a walk as a 'family' now they are so big on family is overkill! Lol. Its all point scoring

I spoke to my best mate who went what we are going through I said how long before you just dont care anymore and she said he is going through my life like a train crash right now but it wont be long before that train stops and you dont give a shit. 

I hope its soon.. 

When he is there to see your daughter try and be out of the way as much as possible. He is there for her and then you two wont have a chance to row/fight/talk about whats happened.


----------



## sambucababy

Thanks hun, i just hope the feelin crap stops soon its been a long time now ti be so up and down. I will keep out the way 2moz but last time he called me in the room 2b with them after a few mins and my little girl aint seen him for 5/6 wks she only 19months so i dunno how she'll be plus she is teething a bit so a bit cranky. 

Think easiest thing is to be civil but not "talk" as such and count the mins till he goes, I'll find somethin to do in another room and hopefully this time he wont call me in


----------



## Scarletvixen

Good luck with it xx


----------



## ShanandBoc

sambucababy said:


> ShanandBoc said:
> 
> 
> Just read this whole thread and although i dont have any advice i just wanted to say you are doing really well, and i dont think anyone could handle waht u have been through any better than u did.
> 
> Take care of yourself and your little girl. Hope u cope with him visiting ur daughter tomorrow. Be strong, u didnt deserve any of this.....better things are coming ur way im sure :)
> 
> Do you think? I feel I ve been a total wimp and pushover the entire time, I ve been at rock bottom looking after his child, his family have blanked us - & yet after everything I still love and miss him ..........I am so stupid I just wish my feelings wud go away. He has got it all I feel Like I ve nothin in life, nothing to look forward to ..........oh Im off again wallowing lol !!
> 
> Thank you for your kind words, will be glad when tomorrow is over and I'll just have to cope tomorrow as its about my daughter not me, I just hate feelin so down over someone who doesnt give a damm xClick to expand...

Deffinately i do think so :) What u have been through is horrendous and life shattering, i think u are doing well. Dont be so hard on yourself hun xo


----------



## Laura2919

Hope today goes ok. 
xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Hope today goes ok.
> xxx

Thanks hun am dreadin it - soon be done !


----------



## Laura2919

Yep just think its all over soon :) Be strong hun. xx


----------



## sambucababy

Yesterday was horrible - he came around and my LO was a bit uncertain at first as she hadnt seen him for so long so I was as civil as I could and and had to stay in room whilst they played. He asked if he could speak to me so I said ok. 

He told me things werent going so well lots of arguements and that he had fucked up big time and that he didnt see him & her lasting, I said u need to be talking to her not me, I think he was sounding me out about moving back here or gettting back with me but didnt use those words, 

He said if he leaves then she wont let him see child, I said if he on birth cert he has parental rights and could fight for access but again said Im not the one he should talk to & suggested his dad.

He said Im only person that he can talk to who knows him inside out, I told him it wud be easier once I ve moved as wont be so near, he hinted he wanted to come so I told him I do love and care about him & want him to be happy but It wudnt work again 4 us.

I explained that although wrong I could never be comfortable him going to visit his son, and that all the trust had gone. I said that i cudnt go through all this again, Id be completely paranoid and a nitemare to be around scared to argue, and in time he wud lie, leave or cheat again or go back to her. He said he wouldnt. He said if you want something badly enough you'll make it happen

He kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and then trying to touch me and kiss me and I had to push him away, and say no im not a cheater its wrong ur with someone else u just dont do that, then he said its ok to hug someone you love.

I told him to go and sort it out with her and give it ago & that he was probably having a bad few days, I said think of thereason you left me for, I havent changed yet u were so certain u was in love with her, you've been with her on & off for years, cheating when our daughter was 10 days old - I said she is the one u want not me. He just shook his head and left.

Im so sad I love and want him so much but I know in reality this just couldnt work. Although he has been vile to me 17 yrs is a long time, I care so much for him and want him to be happy but I just wish in my heart i could have the fairytale ending but I know it will never happen. Im crying my eyes out writing this, so desperate for him to come back but knowing I ve done the right thing, I miss him so much when he hugged me yesterday I didnt want him to stop - its like all the grief re-emerging, am hoping a good old cry will sort me out. x


----------



## Kagerou

Well done for being so good with how you dealt with him!

I think he really wants the best of both worlds but this is all his fault, he should be the one suffering not you, stay strong :flower:


----------



## sambucababy

Kagerou said:


> Well done for being so good with how you dealt with him!
> 
> I think he really wants the best of both worlds but this is all his fault, he should be the one suffering not you, stay strong :flower:

Thank you I feel so miserable right now, to be honest I wanted so badly to just cave in and have him back but as you say I ve just gotta keep strong.

Ur right he does want the best of both worlds, I just wish I didnt love him as much as I do as its so hard x


----------



## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Yesterday was horrible - he came around and my LO was a bit uncertain at first as she hadnt seen him for so long so I was as civil as I could and and had to stay in room whilst they played. He asked if he could speak to me so I said ok.
> 
> He told me things werent going so well lots of arguements and that he had fucked up big time and that he didnt see him & her lasting, I said u need to be talking to her not me, I think he was sounding me out about moving back here or gettting back with me but didnt use those words,
> 
> *He said if he leaves then she wont let him see child*, I said if he on birth cert he has parental rights and could fight for access but again said Im not the one he should talk to & suggested his dad.
> 
> *He said Im only person that he can talk to who knows him inside out*, I told him it wud be easier once I ve moved as wont be so near, he hinted he wanted to come so I told him I do love and care about him & want him to be happy but It wudnt work again 4 us.
> 
> I explained that although wrong I could never be comfortable him going to visit his son, and that all the trust had gone. I said that i cudnt go through all this again, Id be completely paranoid and a nitemare to be around scared to argue, and in time he wud lie, leave or cheat again or go back to her. He said he wouldnt. He said if you want something badly enough you'll make it happen
> 
> He kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and then trying to touch me and kiss me and I had to push him away, and say no im not a cheater its wrong ur with someone else u just dont do that, then he said its ok to hug someone you love.
> 
> I told him to go and sort it out with her and give it ago & that he was probably having a bad few days, I said think of thereason you left me for, I havent changed yet u were so certain u was in love with her, you've been with her on & off for years, cheating when our daughter was 10 days old - I said she is the one u want not me. He just shook his head and left.
> 
> *Im so sad I love and want him so much* but I know in reality this just couldnt work. Although he has been vile to me 17 yrs is a long time, I care so much for him and want him to be happy but I just wish in my heart i could have the fairytale ending but I know it will never happen. Im crying my eyes out writing this, so desperate for him to come back but knowing I ve done the right thing, I miss him so much when he hugged me yesterday I didnt want him to stop - its like all the grief re-emerging, am hoping a good old cry will sort me out. x

Firstly :hugs: and loads of them. I have highlighted the things that stood out to me so here goes;

If you knew him so well how could he get away with cheating all those years and having a child behind your back? he left you a complete wreck and didnt care then when he upped and left. Now things are rocky he is here and wanting his 'safe place' 

He can put that on you all he likes but lets face it, he got *himself* into that situation so whats he suggesting that you become his 'bit on the side' I think he is completely :wacko:

He is your safe place, the place you feel like you know who you are. The one person you have known or thought you have known all these years. But he has lied for such a long time, how would you ever be able to rebuild that trust, he didnt just sleep with someone once, he did it for years, conceiving a child and then dumping his child and you for her.. 

Cry as much as you need to because there* WILL * be a day you dont cry anymore and day that he turns up and you say clear off you idiot. You are NO LONGER welcome in this house..... 

You did the right thing.. Be strong huni. You can message me ANYTIME if you need to chat.. I promise I will be there. He is a real headfuck and you deserve someone who treats you right, thats never ever in a million years going to be him.. 



xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Thanks Laura I will reply properly tomorrow but I like ur opinion/thoughts hun, but im exhausted mentally to remember my full name but I wanna reply to what you've put, thanks to EVERYONE who has commented on this HUGE thread, its been a hellish time but u ladies have really helped me along the way without probably even realising it.

I dont comment much on other peooples problems coz rite now I dont feel capable of offering decent advice im still a wreck but I do read the threads and comment where I feel I can.. Take care you lovely ladies and thank you all, am off to catch some ZZZzzzzzs xx


----------



## Laura2919

Hope you feel a bit better this morning... Always remember you are so much better a person than he will ever be.


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> Yesterday was horrible - he came around and my LO was a bit uncertain at first as she hadnt seen him for so long so I was as civil as I could and and had to stay in room whilst they played. He asked if he could speak to me so I said ok.
> 
> He told me things werent going so well lots of arguements and that he had fucked up big time and that he didnt see him & her lasting, I said u need to be talking to her not me, I think he was sounding me out about moving back here or gettting back with me but didnt use those words,
> 
> *He said if he leaves then she wont let him see child*, I said if he on birth cert he has parental rights and could fight for access but again said Im not the one he should talk to & suggested his dad.
> 
> *He said Im only person that he can talk to who knows him inside out*, I told him it wud be easier once I ve moved as wont be so near, he hinted he wanted to come so I told him I do love and care about him & want him to be happy but It wudnt work again 4 us.
> 
> I explained that although wrong I could never be comfortable him going to visit his son, and that all the trust had gone. I said that i cudnt go through all this again, Id be completely paranoid and a nitemare to be around scared to argue, and in time he wud lie, leave or cheat again or go back to her. He said he wouldnt. He said if you want something badly enough you'll make it happen
> 
> He kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and then trying to touch me and kiss me and I had to push him away, and say no im not a cheater its wrong ur with someone else u just dont do that, then he said its ok to hug someone you love.
> 
> I told him to go and sort it out with her and give it ago & that he was probably having a bad few days, I said think of thereason you left me for, I havent changed yet u were so certain u was in love with her, you've been with her on & off for years, cheating when our daughter was 10 days old - I said she is the one u want not me. He just shook his head and left.
> 
> *Im so sad I love and want him so much* but I know in reality this just couldnt work. Although he has been vile to me 17 yrs is a long time, I care so much for him and want him to be happy but I just wish in my heart i could have the fairytale ending but I know it will never happen. Im crying my eyes out writing this, so desperate for him to come back but knowing I ve done the right thing, I miss him so much when he hugged me yesterday I didnt want him to stop - its like all the grief re-emerging, am hoping a good old cry will sort me out. x
> 
> Firstly :hugs: and loads of them. I have highlighted the things that stood out to me so here goes;
> 
> If you knew him so well how could he get away with cheating all those years and having a child behind your back? he left you a complete wreck and didnt care then when he upped and left. Now things are rocky he is here and wanting his 'safe place'
> 
> He can put that on you all he likes but lets face it, he got *himself* into that situation so whats he suggesting that you become his 'bit on the side' I think he is completely :wacko:
> 
> He is your safe place, the place you feel like you know who you are. The one person you have known or thought you have known all these years. But he has lied for such a long time, how would you ever be able to rebuild that trust, he didnt just sleep with someone once, he did it for years, conceiving a child and then dumping his child and you for her..
> 
> Cry as much as you need to because there* WILL * be a day you dont cry anymore and day that he turns up and you say clear off you idiot. You are NO LONGER welcome in this house.....
> 
> You did the right thing.. Be strong huni. You can message me ANYTIME if you need to chat.. I promise I will be there. He is a real headfuck and you deserve someone who treats you right, thats never ever in a million years going to be him..
> 
> xxxClick to expand...

Thanks Laura, I do feel a bit better bthis morning but Im so so tired its like emotional tiredness if that makese sense lol x

Your right I never really knew him and he sees me as his safe place coz he not having such a great time. He is wacko lol it like he has almost swapped us around in his mind, I seriously think he needs help - not in a nasty spiteful way but he will not open up and talk to anyone or be honest yet I dont get why, his head must be mashed too !

He is all I know and thought we wud be together forever but like you say its not just me he cheating on its our little girl too, a part of me things he does regret his actions another part thinks I dunno if everything he says now is just a lie even normal day to day things.

I cant wait to reach the strong FCUK you point I just feel so wimpy and weak and worn down by it all, its been hard going & your right he is a headfuck, I will never undertand or get why he did what he did and you know what I dont think he even reallly knows why either, just simply coz he could is about the best explanation I can think of x


----------



## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> Yesterday was horrible - he came around and my LO was a bit uncertain at first as she hadnt seen him for so long so I was as civil as I could and and had to stay in room whilst they played. He asked if he could speak to me so I said ok.
> 
> He told me things werent going so well lots of arguements and that he had fucked up big time and that he didnt see him & her lasting, I said u need to be talking to her not me, I think he was sounding me out about moving back here or gettting back with me but didnt use those words,
> 
> *He said if he leaves then she wont let him see child*, I said if he on birth cert he has parental rights and could fight for access but again said Im not the one he should talk to & suggested his dad.
> 
> *He said Im only person that he can talk to who knows him inside out*, I told him it wud be easier once I ve moved as wont be so near, he hinted he wanted to come so I told him I do love and care about him & want him to be happy but It wudnt work again 4 us.
> 
> I explained that although wrong I could never be comfortable him going to visit his son, and that all the trust had gone. I said that i cudnt go through all this again, Id be completely paranoid and a nitemare to be around scared to argue, and in time he wud lie, leave or cheat again or go back to her. He said he wouldnt. He said if you want something badly enough you'll make it happen
> 
> He kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and then trying to touch me and kiss me and I had to push him away, and say no im not a cheater its wrong ur with someone else u just dont do that, then he said its ok to hug someone you love.
> 
> I told him to go and sort it out with her and give it ago & that he was probably having a bad few days, I said think of thereason you left me for, I havent changed yet u were so certain u was in love with her, you've been with her on & off for years, cheating when our daughter was 10 days old - I said she is the one u want not me. He just shook his head and left.
> 
> *Im so sad I love and want him so much* but I know in reality this just couldnt work. Although he has been vile to me 17 yrs is a long time, I care so much for him and want him to be happy but I just wish in my heart i could have the fairytale ending but I know it will never happen. Im crying my eyes out writing this, so desperate for him to come back but knowing I ve done the right thing, I miss him so much when he hugged me yesterday I didnt want him to stop - its like all the grief re-emerging, am hoping a good old cry will sort me out. x
> 
> Firstly :hugs: and loads of them. I have highlighted the things that stood out to me so here goes;
> 
> If you knew him so well how could he get away with cheating all those years and having a child behind your back? he left you a complete wreck and didnt care then when he upped and left. Now things are rocky he is here and wanting his 'safe place'
> 
> He can put that on you all he likes but lets face it, he got *himself* into that situation so whats he suggesting that you become his 'bit on the side' I think he is completely :wacko:
> 
> He is your safe place, the place you feel like you know who you are. The one person you have known or thought you have known all these years. But he has lied for such a long time, how would you ever be able to rebuild that trust, he didnt just sleep with someone once, he did it for years, conceiving a child and then dumping his child and you for her..
> 
> Cry as much as you need to because there* WILL * be a day you dont cry anymore and day that he turns up and you say clear off you idiot. You are NO LONGER welcome in this house.....
> 
> You did the right thing.. Be strong huni. You can message me ANYTIME if you need to chat.. I promise I will be there. He is a real headfuck and you deserve someone who treats you right, thats never ever in a million years going to be him..
> 
> xxxClick to expand...
> 
> Thanks Laura, I do feel a bit better bthis morning but Im so so tired its like emotional tiredness if that makese sense lol x
> 
> Your right I never really knew him and he sees me as his safe place coz he not having such a great time. He is wacko lol it like he has almost swapped us around in his mind, I seriously think he needs help - not in a nasty spiteful way but he will not open up and talk to anyone or be honest yet I dont get why, his head must be mashed too !
> 
> He is all I know and thought we wud be together forever but like you say its not just me he cheating on its our little girl too, a part of me things he does regret his actions another part thinks I dunno if everything he says now is just a lie even normal day to day things.
> 
> I cant wait to reach the strong FCUK you point I just feel so wimpy and weak and worn down by it all, its been hard going & your right he is a headfuck, I will never undertand or get why he did what he did and you know what I dont think he even reallly knows why either, just simply coz he could is about the best explanation I can think of xClick to expand...

You will get there one day. Just be strong and you will slowly slowly get better at it. He might miss what he had but he ruined that, not you, not your beautiful daughter, he gave up this life to be with this other woman and their child. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is let him continue down this path. One day he might see that his actions caused more hurt and inflicted more suffering that words can describe. I do hope you see you are worth 100 of him if not more, he doesnt deserve you or your feelings. :hugs: 
Glad your feeling a bit better.. Maybe you need to have a good drink and enjoy yourself.


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> sambucababy said:
> 
> 
> Yesterday was horrible - he came around and my LO was a bit uncertain at first as she hadnt seen him for so long so I was as civil as I could and and had to stay in room whilst they played. He asked if he could speak to me so I said ok.
> 
> He told me things werent going so well lots of arguements and that he had fucked up big time and that he didnt see him & her lasting, I said u need to be talking to her not me, I think he was sounding me out about moving back here or gettting back with me but didnt use those words,
> 
> *He said if he leaves then she wont let him see child*, I said if he on birth cert he has parental rights and could fight for access but again said Im not the one he should talk to & suggested his dad.
> 
> *He said Im only person that he can talk to who knows him inside out*, I told him it wud be easier once I ve moved as wont be so near, he hinted he wanted to come so I told him I do love and care about him & want him to be happy but It wudnt work again 4 us.
> 
> I explained that although wrong I could never be comfortable him going to visit his son, and that all the trust had gone. I said that i cudnt go through all this again, Id be completely paranoid and a nitemare to be around scared to argue, and in time he wud lie, leave or cheat again or go back to her. He said he wouldnt. He said if you want something badly enough you'll make it happen
> 
> He kept hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and then trying to touch me and kiss me and I had to push him away, and say no im not a cheater its wrong ur with someone else u just dont do that, then he said its ok to hug someone you love.
> 
> I told him to go and sort it out with her and give it ago & that he was probably having a bad few days, I said think of thereason you left me for, I havent changed yet u were so certain u was in love with her, you've been with her on & off for years, cheating when our daughter was 10 days old - I said she is the one u want not me. He just shook his head and left.
> 
> *Im so sad I love and want him so much* but I know in reality this just couldnt work. Although he has been vile to me 17 yrs is a long time, I care so much for him and want him to be happy but I just wish in my heart i could have the fairytale ending but I know it will never happen. Im crying my eyes out writing this, so desperate for him to come back but knowing I ve done the right thing, I miss him so much when he hugged me yesterday I didnt want him to stop - its like all the grief re-emerging, am hoping a good old cry will sort me out. x
> 
> Firstly :hugs: and loads of them. I have highlighted the things that stood out to me so here goes;
> 
> If you knew him so well how could he get away with cheating all those years and having a child behind your back? he left you a complete wreck and didnt care then when he upped and left. Now things are rocky he is here and wanting his 'safe place'
> 
> He can put that on you all he likes but lets face it, he got *himself* into that situation so whats he suggesting that you become his 'bit on the side' I think he is completely :wacko:
> 
> He is your safe place, the place you feel like you know who you are. The one person you have known or thought you have known all these years. But he has lied for such a long time, how would you ever be able to rebuild that trust, he didnt just sleep with someone once, he did it for years, conceiving a child and then dumping his child and you for her..
> 
> Cry as much as you need to because there* WILL * be a day you dont cry anymore and day that he turns up and you say clear off you idiot. You are NO LONGER welcome in this house.....
> 
> You did the right thing.. Be strong huni. You can message me ANYTIME if you need to chat.. I promise I will be there. He is a real headfuck and you deserve someone who treats you right, thats never ever in a million years going to be him..
> 
> xxxClick to expand...
> 
> Thanks Laura, I do feel a bit better bthis morning but Im so so tired its like emotional tiredness if that makese sense lol x
> 
> Your right I never really knew him and he sees me as his safe place coz he not having such a great time. He is wacko lol it like he has almost swapped us around in his mind, I seriously think he needs help - not in a nasty spiteful way but he will not open up and talk to anyone or be honest yet I dont get why, his head must be mashed too !
> 
> He is all I know and thought we wud be together forever but like you say its not just me he cheating on its our little girl too, a part of me things he does regret his actions another part thinks I dunno if everything he says now is just a lie even normal day to day things.
> 
> I cant wait to reach the strong FCUK you point I just feel so wimpy and weak and worn down by it all, its been hard going & your right he is a headfuck, I will never undertand or get why he did what he did and you know what I dont think he even reallly knows why either, just simply coz he could is about the best explanation I can think of xClick to expand...
> 
> You will get there one day. Just be strong and you will slowly slowly get better at it. He might miss what he had but he ruined that, not you, not your beautiful daughter, he gave up this life to be with this other woman and their child. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is let him continue down this path. One day he might see that his actions caused more hurt and inflicted more suffering that words can describe. I do hope you see you are worth 100 of him if not more, he doesnt deserve you or your feelings. :hugs:
> Glad your feeling a bit better.. Maybe you need to have a good drink and enjoy yourself.Click to expand...

Thanks again, u've been great throughout this & ur right one day at time - his life his choice !!

Hope ur ok too but u seem fine 2 me lol x


----------



## Laura2919

Im good. I messaged you on FB was waiting to hear back from you before I spilled all :) 

I am seriously a lot better. Had a girls night out, had a little thing :winkwink: felt really crap the next day but with the help from some people they made me see why. Now I feel on top of the world. I dont need FOB bringing me down. I think I was attached to him for so long because like I have said he is all I have known, my safety net, my safe place but I dont need him. I have other safe places, my mum, dad, brother, sister, family..

Honestly you will get there... Be strong. Im here whenever you need me I promise hun xxx


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Im good. I messaged you on FB was waiting to hear back from you before I spilled all :)
> 
> I am seriously a lot better. Had a girls night out, had a little thing :winkwink: felt really crap the next day but with the help from some people they made me see why. Now I feel on top of the world. I dont need FOB bringing me down. I think I was attached to him for so long because like I have said he is all I have known, my safety net, my safe place but I dont need him. I have other safe places, my mum, dad, brother, sister, family..
> 
> Honestly you will get there... Be strong. Im here whenever you need me I promise hun xxx


Glad u feel better for it & thanks for helping me, however I ve no FB message from you??? Probz still in cyberspace, take care hun xx:thumbup:


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## Laura2919

Oh I sent you one last night... I will send you one again hun. xx


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## Vixen_17

I'm so glad you two have found each other and hope you continue to have a long and wonderful friendship as you do seem to understand each other so well! 

Sambuka, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. He was messing with your mind and you told him to sod off - you should be so proud of yourself. Damn, I'm proud of you - well done!!!!


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## Laura2919

Vixen_17 said:


> I'm so glad you two have found each other and hope you continue to have a long and wonderful friendship as you do seem to understand each other so well!
> 
> Sambuka, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. He was messing with your mind and you told him to sod off - you should be so proud of yourself. Damn, I'm proud of you - well done!!!!

Sambuca and everyone on here get my support. :) life is hard without hassle from people who dont want to help others. 

:) Your all special.


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## sambucababy

Thanks ladies, had him on the phone again 2day wanting to see our daughter again 2moz which is fine but again brought up the subject of regretting his decision and wanting to come back so can imagine how 2moz visit is gonna go !!!


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## Laura2919

Just brush him off... Im here if you need support. Dont discuss the situation anymore. The more you talk about it to him the more your going to stay in this loop. Keep your chin up. :) if he does try anything tell him he is here to see his daughter and not you. 

You can do this xx


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Just brush him off... Im here if you need support. Dont discuss the situation anymore. The more you talk about it to him the more your going to stay in this loop. Keep your chin up. :) if he does try anything tell him he is here to see his daughter and not you.
> 
> You can do this xx

Thanks hun, he isnt coming now he has decided he will speak to his dad first but not today like he said he would at the weekend instead

I said if u was that unhappy u wud have left by now or at least ur priorty would be sorting urself out, he is just taking me for a fool yet why i dont know coz despite everything i ve been decent to him.

I know i shudnt give a toss but it just bugs me, headfuck is the best word i ve ever come accross to describe him and thats what im gonna rename him in my phone book lol x


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## Laura2919

I had FOB as the cheat until my mum see it and had a go :haha: 

He is a real head fuck hun and you can do without that. 

Thats the thing that hurts the most. Your decent to him and he cant even show you an ounce of respect.


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I had FOB as the cheat until my mum see it and had a go :haha:
> 
> He is a real head fuck hun and you can do without that.
> 
> Thats the thing that hurts the most. Your decent to him and he cant even show you an ounce of respect.

nor can his famo - his older brother whom i got on really well with messaged me on FB this morning sayin that he sorry for not contacting sooner but felt awkward, sad things had ended the way they did and that he wud always consider me as his sis in law.

I later find out he then comments on a photo of my ex's son aww my nephew and puts a heart next to it, and then suddenly the new GFs parents are both liking his comment & I think ur ALL just a bunch of users - its really made me feel down again. Not one of them has shown me any respect.


----------



## Laura2919

I havent spoke to FOB mum since Sunday.. When she leaves she always makes a point of saying 'call me if you need anything' yeah cos I am gonna do that :wacko: I have my own mum and dad and family I certainly dont need to rely on you! 

She says it to make herself feel better for the fact she doesnt contact me any other time to ask how I am, not the twins, me. Never once. From now until 26th they wont see the twins and it will be 'oh I am sorry havent been in contact, you know what work is like' no love I know what your like. Cos you have nothing to connect me with anymore you think its ok to fob me off... 

Just message him and say 'Hi, its ok. Hope your all ok take care. 

Be the bigger person. You dont need anyone in life like that.... believe me.. Respect is a word they no longer know.


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I havent spoke to FOB mum since Sunday.. When she leaves she always makes a point of saying 'call me if you need anything' yeah cos I am gonna do that :wacko: I have my own mum and dad and family I certainly dont need to rely on you!
> 
> She says it to make herself feel better for the fact she doesnt contact me any other time to ask how I am, not the twins, me. Never once. From now until 26th they wont see the twins and it will be 'oh I am sorry havent been in contact, you know what work is like' no love I know what your like. Cos you have nothing to connect me with anymore you think its ok to fob me off...
> 
> Just message him and say 'Hi, its ok. Hope your all ok take care.
> 
> Be the bigger person. You dont need anyone in life like that.... believe me.. Respect is a word they no longer know.

Tooooooo late i gave him a round of f**ks- dont feel any better but its done now, hopefully they will all just go awy and leave me to it!


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## Laura2919

I see your status :haha: been waiting for you to post so you could tell me.. Ah well not like he didnt deserve it :thumbup:


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I see your status :haha: been waiting for you to post so you could tell me.. Ah well not like he didnt deserve it :thumbup:


i know but like u said its just me the petty one again, it just still gets to me I try puttin on a happy pretence yet inside im a wreck!


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## Laura2919

Yeah but one day you wont be.. Your so hard on yourself, you went through something people wouldnt even begin to imagine. Its not easy hun. I think what I have been through is hard enough but you were lied to for years. Its hard to get over that. Have you seen a counsellor? Maybe they can help you with the anger you feel towards the situation. 

Just draw a line under the comment and move on. Like I will continue to say you are bigger and better than they will ever be!


----------



## sambucababy

Thanks hun yes have had some counselling etc and still on going but to be honest it hasnt been that useful, I am hard on myself coz i know i shud be stronger but I ve still just lost everything and ok in time yeah probably i'll be happier but its the here and now that i struggle with.

I'll be ok just had a nasty day yesterday and miss him still {fool i know}
Thanks for ur support doo appreciate it x


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## Laura2919

Ahh dont be hard on yourself :hugs: your entitled to feel down hun. Everyone is. I had yet ANOTHER argument with FOB today, I knew one was brewing we were being too nice to each other. I spoke to my mum today who said I need to let go of it now. He keeps picking arguments because he knows I will give him a good old fight back. 
He really annoys me to the point I do the same as you, say all the nasty words, write the nasty texts, send them and regret them :haha: but at the same time I am glad I sent what I did today cos its the true feelings I have. 

I think we both need a BIG vodka! Lol


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Ahh dont be hard on yourself :hugs: your entitled to feel down hun. Everyone is. I had yet ANOTHER argument with FOB today, I knew one was brewing we were being too nice to each other. I spoke to my mum today who said I need to let go of it now. He keeps picking arguments because he knows I will give him a good old fight back.
> He really annoys me to the point I do the same as you, say all the nasty words, write the nasty texts, send them and regret them :haha: but at the same time I am glad I sent what I did today cos its the true feelings I have.
> 
> I think we both need a BIG vodka! Lol

I feel like im back at day 1 got a text last nite ysaing U ok? so i replied no, then he said can i stilll visist LO on sun, so i said yh normal time bout 4? he said yh ok, I said well u'll need to take her out or somethin rather than sit in mine coz its too hard 4 me at the min. I then said his bro had txt me to apologise so i had sorted things out there.
He then replied im really sorry i didint want any of this to happen,xx I ll see u both Sunday.

Its like he doesnt get it, Now i ve gotta c him feelin way i do 7 & watch him leave again, I cant do it its too painful, I feel like giving her to him full stop so i dont have to see it all and detach myself from the whole situation. I wouldnt really do that but sometimes i feel i wanna run away and he is comin tomorrow and i cant bear to face him yet what choice do i have none. Another stressfull weekend thanks to him

And now his 13 yrs old niece has messaged me asking when she can come over and visit - i dont even know what she has been told, can it get any worse its a wierd way its laughable


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## Laura2919

Ive just inboxed you on FB. 

Could you not take LO to your mums and then FOB pick her up from there? Without you around? I think seeing him is bringing you down because he is filling your head with false hope, making you feel like your in the wrong for not taking him back when if you did you would constantly live your life worrying and how fair is that for you? Not fair at all. You dont deserve to suffer because you didnt do anything wrong. 

It makes me so angry when I see men do this and then try to worm their way back in.. 

He is playing to all your weaknesses right now and he knows it..


----------



## Kagerou

Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong but it almost looks now as if he's doing this on purpose. He seems to only want to talk to you when he knows you're unhappy, like rubbing salt in a wound he knows he created.

Either that or him and his new woman argue so much that you're the only other person he can be 'affectionate' with. I'd tell him straight in black and white how he's playing with your head and if he wants to see his daughter this has to stop. 

What about also saying you can visit her on XX day, if you don't come then you obviously couldn't care less. That might save you wondering when he will txt again and conveniently for him turn up to see his daughter/hurt you more.


----------



## Laura2919

Kagerou said:


> Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong but it almost looks now as if he's doing this on purpose. He seems to only want to talk to you when he knows you're unhappy, like rubbing salt in a wound he knows he created.
> 
> Either that or him and his new woman argue so much that you're the only other person he can be 'affectionate' with. I'd tell him straight in black and white how he's playing with your head and if he wants to see his daughter this has to stop.
> 
> What about also saying you can visit her on XX day, if you don't come then you obviously couldn't care less. That might save you wondering when he will txt again and conveniently for him turn up to see his daughter/hurt you more.

I agree with this! 

Hope your feeling better today. x


----------



## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Ive just inboxed you on FB.
> 
> Could you not take LO to your mums and then FOB pick her up from there? Without you around? I think seeing him is bringing you down because he is filling your head with false hope, making you feel like your in the wrong for not taking him back when if you did you would constantly live your life worrying and how fair is that for you? Not fair at all. You dont deserve to suffer because you didnt do anything wrong.
> 
> It makes me so angry when I see men do this and then try to worm their way back in..
> 
> He is playing to all your weaknesses right now and he knows it..

This is exactly how im feeling right now, im so depressed and sad i cant seem to function anymore x


----------



## sambucababy

Kagerou said:


> Maybe I'm just seeing it wrong but it almost looks now as if he's doing this on purpose. He seems to only want to talk to you when he knows you're unhappy, like rubbing salt in a wound he knows he created.
> 
> Either that or him and his new woman argue so much that you're the only other person he can be 'affectionate' with. I'd tell him straight in black and white how he's playing with your head and if he wants to see his daughter this has to stop.
> 
> What about also saying you can visit her on XX day, if you don't come then you obviously couldn't care less. That might save you wondering when he will txt again and conveniently for him turn up to see his daughter/hurt you more.

Exactly how i feel - im so down right now, thats not a bad idea x


----------



## Laura2919

You will get there. I know I keep saying it but you will. One day he will be beneath you and you will wonder why he ever made you feel like this. I promise he wont always win with these feelings. 

You need a break hun, some time to just relax, away from him and his crap.


----------



## miss_amy

How are you doing? I've been thinking about you.


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## Kagerou

As have I :) hope all is well!


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## sambucababy

Hiya been ages since I ve updated this - everything is still a mess and a BIG hassle. Ex told me about 3 wks ago him & his GF had split but as he has nowhere to go he sleeps on her sofa............yeah rite, her FB status to this date is In a relationship.

I ve been in undated with txts, he has turned up once at my house and basically wants to come back & live with me, wants to go for a meal & thinks when we get back together we wont have any problems because he has realised he has made a mistake and its me he wants, however I have to accept that he can see his son whenever he choses and I have to believe that he is only picking up & dropping off his son and not rekindling his affair!!

I ve told him he isnt living in real world, end of Oct was his nephews bday his "ex" and her son was invited to a family party with all other cousins but our daughter who sent card and present wasnt invited, he lied to my face saying there was not party but one of his nieces had let it slip on FB so he then just ignored me. Eventually he said he had only told his parents about the split and not his familiy which is why his ex GF was asked .....yeah rite.

Keeps hassling me about coming back, trillions of texts saved, have tried talking but he doesnt get it and I ve also the betrayal of his family over the years to contend with.

Im so stressed by it all deep down I would love him back, I cant help it it 17 yrs is a LONG time & stupidly I dont hate him I love him, however I hate what he has done to me, hate how everyone kept me in dark and that my daughter is 2nd best to his son in his families eyes, at least thats how its comes accross to me.

I know in reality it would never work but everytime he asks me 2 come back having to say no really hurts me, its non stop, have seen a solicitor just to confirm where I stand, I could change my number but then why should I, I could do him for harrassment but I dont particularly want the hassle, his txts arent constant 24-7 but they are a lot and the whole thing just gets me down. I know people must think Im mad for still loving him, Id love nothin more than to have him back, I miss him terribly but I also know the trust has gone & it would be a hellish life.

With or without him I ve lost what I wanted and loved, Im so unhappy yet theres nothing I can do to change that right now, I feel so depressed again, I ve just no strength, having to put on a pretence all the time is fine as I know if I was replying to this thread Id be off the same opinion as you all, tell him to FXXX Off but I cannot help my feelings for him, Im just such a doormat :(


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## Laura2919

I definitely dont think your mad or a doormat. I think your hurting and if he doesnt stop texting your never going to stop hurting and be able to move on with your life. He needs to finally accept that you cant get back together because you wont ever be able to trust him and for your daughter its best this way. 

The more he texts the more he makes you feel worse because you want to just say yes come home but you know the problems you will face. 

You deserve so much more than this.. You really do... 

If you really want him to stop texting you just say if he carries on you will have no choice but to go to the police for harrasment, say you dont want to so your giving him the opportunity to stop otherwise on Monday next week you will be at the station reporting him.. 

x


----------



## besttoys

hello sambucababy :) i am just new here and as i browse i notice your thread and it really catches my attention. just wanted to say that be strong for your daughter and don't waste time on this guy anymore, Kagerou is right there you must change your number if it will really make the difference. just focus on your daughter and yourself find the tough women inside you and have this goal and fulfill it. also be happy all the time it is tough i know but just do it everyday even for an hour later on you will know that you will be doing it for a whole period of day. :) :) :)


----------



## Kagerou

You shouldn't have to do it, however for your sanity I would change your number, that or do what Laura said with the police thing! 

I really hope this all improves for you. He needs to get a grip.


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## sambucababy

Thanks again, I am hurting and I know you're all right in what you say, I miss him so much but i know i have 2 put my daughter first, I just know I'll never b happy , can see myself on my own forever but i suppose its better than what i ve had done to me. 
I need to strengthen up, people in much worse position than me, im just really depressed, he meant the world to me and now he is someones partner and that guts me - its just hard accepting it all at the min, .........just one of them days i guess x


----------



## Snowball

:hugs:


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## Laura2919

I think your going through something really tough. Yes there may be people who are going through hard situations but that doesnt mean yours isnt hard. :hugs: 
You will eventually move on and find someone who deserves you, you will look back and think wtf was I doing with him. Why did I waste so long letting him keep texting me. At the moment everything is raw, heck you only found out like 2 months ago... Its still going to be so fresh. You WILL get there. 
Definitely tell him you are going to report him if he continues, even if they dont do much just a polite knock on the door from a police officer should give him a nice kick up his backside.. 
Remember, you and your daughter didnt do anything wrong. Its hard when they are with someone else. The feeling that should really be you doing all those things that they are now doing with someone else but remember your reasons why your not there and then think to the future about when your doing those things with someone else...


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I think your going through something really tough. Yes there may be people who are going through hard situations but that doesnt mean yours isnt hard. :hugs:
> You will eventually move on and find someone who deserves you, you will look back and think wtf was I doing with him. Why did I waste so long letting him keep texting me. At the moment everything is raw, heck you only found out like 2 months ago... Its still going to be so fresh. You WILL get there.
> Definitely tell him you are going to report him if he continues, even if they dont do much just a polite knock on the door from a police officer should give him a nice kick up his backside..
> Remember, you and your daughter didnt do anything wrong. Its hard when they are with someone else. The feeling that should really be you doing all those things that they are now doing with someone else but remember your reasons why your not there and then think to the future about when your doing those things with someone else...

hi ur right its mega tough, i txt him last nite telling him we neva get back together and to be honest was quite nasty i cant even remember what i put !! he has blanked me today which i know is good but in a stupid way i feel sadder due to the no contact.

Its 12 wks 2moz since he went, as i keep saying i love and miss him terribly but i know he justs sees me as a mug, feels like i'll never meet anyone which scares me, i know i have my daughter and in time i probably will meet someone else but i still love him, foolish i know i just cant switch off my feelings for him where by here clearly has no problems doing it 2 me. Its probz just a crappy old day but its one i ve struggled with and will be glad to see the back of - thanks everyone for replies, support etc. Has REALLY helped x


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## Laura2919

Well we are all here for you. You can talk to us whenever, until you start to rebuild your life these feelings wont go away but you can do it, your strong, your still doing what you need to 12 weeks on. :hugs: 
Breaking up is hard, especially when children are involved. FOB has been here tonight and it still makes me angry when he leaves. He doesnt realise how hard life is without knowing I was lied to. 
But I am getting on with it. I know that one day I will find someone I will love and who will love me and you will do the same. You just got to be ready for when it does. 

I know what you mean about him not texting, thats how I felt at first. Its so hard to let go but you do eventually.


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## Vixen_17

After 12 weeks I for one think you are doing great. You're much stronger than you realise. The you we were listening to a few weeks ago would have had him back in a heartbeat but you've stood your ground and know what's best for both YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER and you've held your head up and you've refused to be mugged by him again. I'm very proud of you!

YOU GO GIRL!!!


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## Laura2919

Vixen_17 said:


> After 12 weeks I for one think you are doing great. You're much stronger than you realise. The you we were listening to a few weeks ago would have had him back in a heartbeat but you've stood your ground and know what's best for both YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER and you've held your head up and you've refused to be mugged by him again. I'm very proud of you!
> 
> YOU GO GIRL!!!

I agree with this... :)


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## Laura2919

How are you today? Has he text?


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Vixen_17 said:
> 
> 
> After 12 weeks I for one think you are doing great. You're much stronger than you realise. The you we were listening to a few weeks ago would have had him back in a heartbeat but you've stood your ground and know what's best for both YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER and you've held your head up and you've refused to be mugged by him again. I'm very proud of you!
> 
> YOU GO GIRL!!!
> 
> I agree with this... :)Click to expand...

Thank you both xx


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> How are you today? Has he text?

Hiya I had a busier day so less time to dwell I guess.

He has been txtin since 10am as originally he was supposed to have our daughter tomorrow evening and he said he wanted us both to have a chat with his parents and take her over there - my LO hasnt seen them since Feb so reluctantly I had previously agreed.

He txt this morning sayin u dont wanna go for a meal 2moz do u, so i said no. He said he had already spoken to his parents who told him he shouldnt of left me, would like us to get back together but said he shouldnt neglect his son if we do, he asked if we could talk about it 2moz during his visit. I said A - i would have preferred to be included in the discussion, B - ur still living in this girls house so Im having no discussions about you coming back C - I dont believe you have even spoke to your parents but even though I agree about not neglecting your son you and your entire famo have treated her 2nd best when she should have been an equal.

He didnt like that so about an hour later he txt to say he cudnt do 2moz and would prob c her thurs, id already told him we had plans thurs & fri so i reminded him & said either step up and be a dad and stick to arrangements or walk away completely, but me & you are neva gonna work and especially not when your still under her roof!! He then said he would have our daughter tomorrow, I said dont bother stick to your appoinment and take the next fews days to decide if you want to be involved in her life or not, she next free sat or sun, get in touch if you want to arrange anything or dont bother. Not heard a word since, no doubt the pathetic txts will resume at some point!


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## Laura2919

I will give him something he has determination. He is constant.. Does he actually believe himself :haha: Delusional.. 

Only you know whats best. If he keeps on tell him you will call the police.. Its good you stood up for LO. She should be treated equal.


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I will give him something he has determination. He is constant.. Does he actually believe himself :haha: Delusional..
> 
> Only you know whats best. If he keeps on tell him you will call the police.. Its good you stood up for LO. She should be treated equal.

Lol determined he is !!! I think he actually believes himself and is very stressed by al the lies that has finally caught up with him, so at the time he says something I think at that actual moment he believes what he is saying, I think he has actually lost the plot slightly lol x

He has just sent me a randon text asking if you have to pay to call vodafone, err hello ! dial & see , another pointless txt !


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## Laura2919

I'm on my phone so hope this makes sense.. I'm being lazy tonight and can't be arsed to get up and on to the computer.. Even had dinner delivered to the door. Lazy cow. :haha: 

He is trying to find random things to talk to you about. He is running out of ways he can try so he is keeping on. Just keep doing what your doing... :)


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> I'm on my phone so hope this makes sense.. I'm being lazy tonight and can't be arsed to get up and on to the computer.. Even had dinner delivered to the door. Lazy cow. :haha:
> 
> He is trying to find random things to talk to you about. He is running out of ways he can try so he is keeping on. Just keep doing what your doing... :)

Cheers hun it did make total sense, Im a lazy ass at times to going shopping soon try and distract myself feelin sad today again for some reason lol x 

Havent heard from him today, we had a bit of a row as I wanted to go away for few days at crimbo as Its gonna be a kiler so was trying to make some plans with him that suited us both, but he wudnt compromise, ok for him he got his family and his new GF, where as Im an only child, with a baby and just my mom and dad who is ill and I just dont feel upto it this year, but as ususal my feelings dont matter, grrr that prob why Im feeling so fed up today, i hate this life!


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## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Laura2919 said:
> 
> 
> I'm on my phone so hope this makes sense.. I'm being lazy tonight and can't be arsed to get up and on to the computer.. Even had dinner delivered to the door. Lazy cow. :haha:
> 
> He is trying to find random things to talk to you about. He is running out of ways he can try so he is keeping on. Just keep doing what your doing... :)
> 
> Cheers hun it did make total sense, Im a lazy ass at times to going shopping soon try and distract myself feelin sad today again for some reason lol x
> 
> Havent heard from him today, we had a bit of a row as I wanted to go away for few days at crimbo as Its gonna be a kiler so was trying to make some plans with him that suited us both, but he wudnt compromise, ok for him he got his family and his new GF, where as Im an only child, with a baby and just my mom and dad who is ill and I just dont feel upto it this year, but as ususal my feelings dont matter, grrr that prob why Im feeling so fed up today, i hate this life!Click to expand...

You gotta stop letting him get to you.. I also had to let FOB have his way at Christmas but next year falls on a weekday which normally wouldnt be his day off so I shall tell him he will see them on his day off. Your FOB's day will come believe me, dont worry..
He will come unstuck. 
Shopping is always a good way to make you feel better :) hope you dont mean food shopping though because really thats a right pain in the arse. :haha: well it is for me, I am lazy moo when it comes to that, its all done online. I even save my list so I dont have to keep re ordering :haha: Now thats lazy :haha: 
xxx


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## sambucababy

Lol thanks, I'll compromise on Xmas, he txt this eve asking if he can have our LO on Sat, I said yes fine, lets see of he turns up or cancels again!!

It was food shoppin but at asda, brought a new top to go out in 2moz nite, not a mega nite out but out of the house all the same !! x


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## Laura2919

sambucababy said:


> Lol thanks, I'll compromise on Xmas, he txt this eve asking if he can have our LO on Sat, I said yes fine, lets see of he turns up or cancels again!!
> 
> It was food shoppin but at asda, brought a new top to go out in 2moz nite, not a mega nite out but out of the house all the same !! x

Yeah too right :thumbup: enjoy. Im out tomorrow for my sisters leaving do, she got herself a new job, girls are at FOB's until Sunday night now. Gonna enjoy myself and have some chill time. 
Have a nice night out.. Hope he comes and gets LO, means you can have a nice relax while she is with her daddy.


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## Laura2919

How are you today? Hope your feeling better... :) x


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## sambucababy

Hi Was ok yesterday FOB txts me this morning askin when he can see our daughter, I had asked him to let me know by midday what time, where he taking her etc, - upshot was he hasnt anythin planned so basically wants to sit in my house, Not in best of moods today as house I wanted to buy has gone so dont want him here.

Suggested 4pm tomoz and if he cant take her out then they can stay at mine and i'll go out, then he suggested a meal & im like no told u a million times, leave me alone im stressed as it it, then he suggested we go on holiday for a week - & im like GO AWAY, he is such a div at times I wanna stick pins in him!


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## Laura2919

Get a voodoo doll :haha: 
I'm sorry to hear about the house you wanted.. Hope something comes up for you soon.. 
Sounds like he is still trying to worm his way in


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## sambucababy

Laura2919 said:


> Get a voodoo doll :haha:
> I'm sorry to hear about the house you wanted.. Hope something comes up for you soon..
> Sounds like he is still trying to worm his way in

Thanks hun hours later I get my house sold subject to contract 24 hours earlier that house could have been mine, oh well life, karma and all that,

yes i think he is trying to worm his way back in and have it all, wud have more respect if he said can i come back as a lodger lmao x


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## Laura2919

Still tell him to piss off!! Lol


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