# To try for a second baby or not? So confused!



## amberlindsay7

Hi,

I haven't posted on here for a long time, but everyone is so helpful that I thought I'd ask for some advice...apologies in advance for the lengthy post!

I am so confused about whether or not to have a second child; it's driving me crazy just trying to work out what I want to do. My birth experience and NICU experience was so traumatic that I swore I would never put myself in that position again (I had severe pre-eclampsia and after a 3 week stay in hospital they delivered Ethan at 31 weeks 2 days, and then he was in the NICU for 7 weeks). I can't bare to think about that part of my life at all, and if I do, I start to cry and feel sorry for me and Ethan like we were not the same people that it happened to - I feel like I should be over it now that Ethan is a happy healthy 18 month old, but those memories and emotions are just so strong.

But then on the other hand, I see other mums getting pregnant with their second and I see little boys with their brothers or sisters in the street and am sad that Ethan might never have that experience because I am too selfish to get over what happened to me. It's weird, I can imagine a second child being around and our family would feel complete with 2 children; I can also imagine getting pregnant and would love to feel that feeling again - but I am petrified of the last 3 months of pregnancy and all of those potential risks to me and the baby. Then there are those peripheral worrisome thoughts that creep in, like money, my career, coping with 2 kids etc.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? I just don't know what to do at all. Oh, and it's worth mentioning that my husband would like another one, but supports me whatever I decide, which is a huge relief, but his wants are still another factor to consider. As is the fact that I'm nearly 35 and so probably haven't got time on my side. 

Thanks for reading if you got this far xxx


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## Fleur29

I too had a preemie although we had a relatively easy time of it (she was 34+4 and just in low dependency scbu for 9 - albeit long!! - days just learning to feed). 

She is now 19 months old and we are starting to think about ttc #2. But I too feel scared! I didnt have as nearly a traumatic time as you but I think the feelings that go with having your baby early and in hospital stick around for a very very long time. I am sure I am feeling reticent because I'm worried it will happen again - and if it happens again, how will I cope with a toddler and a baby in scbu etc etc. 

I am trying not to overthink it too much and planning just to get on with it and what will be will be. 

Chances are, it wont happen again and you will have a stress free pregnancy and everything will be fine. Plus you will probbaly be monitored very closely and taken good care of this time around. Will you be able to give up work early and chill out from an earlier point in your pregnancy (yes very easy to say that but not exactly chill out time with a toddler is it!!!) :) 

It does sound like you have residual thoughts left over from those hideously hard early days though (and how understandable!!) - my friend who also had an early premie booked an appointment with our local midwife team (I think its a service they offer, presume all midwives do?) - where she went through all her pregnancy notes/labour notes in a lot of detail with the midwife and talked everything over about a year afterwards. I think it really helped her to come to terms with it all and get her head round it. When it happens , everything is just so completely mental because you have just given birth, and you have a tiny baby that you are scared out of your wits about and there is just so much going on that you dont have time to process the thoughts and feelings that go with having a premie. 

Anyway, I hope you figure out what to do. I was an only child and I was very happy so there is nothing wrong with just having one kid. That said, I do think it is nice to have siblings and giving my dd a sibling is the main reason why I want to go through it all again I think :) 

Hugs to you XX


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## jandksmommy

Wow... tough decision! I have an extreme preemie and completely understand the trauma you feel. She was born at 23 weeks and I still bawl when I think of those first few months. Unlike you, my health was never at risk, for some unknown reason I just went into unstoppable labor. I personally will not have another but she was my third child so my family was complete even if she had been full-term. I wonder if I would have risked going through it all again if she had been my first child... I think I would have but I would have taken alot more precautions with the pregnancy.

I did a little research for your situation and it seems that there is alot of conflicting info about preeclampsia in a second pregnancy but most sites said it is far more common in a first pregnancy but quoted a 20% risk of getting it again (keep in mind some said as much as 80% depending on risk factors such as mom's weight and family medical history)... but there seems to be alot of talk about 'brewers diet' and how it can prevent the reoccurance of preeclampsia. 

You have a hard decision to make and I feel for you. Talk to your doctor about risks, request an appointment with a specialist, see if there are ways to reduce the risk and then decide if you want to try another pregnancy. I wish you the very best :)


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## amberlindsay7

Thanks so much to both of you for your thoughts, comments and helpful suggestions; I really do appreciate them.

@Fleur29: I'm sorry you feel scared about this issue too; but it's good to know I'm not alone and it's not unusual to feel this way (although at the same time, I of course wouldn't wish anyone else to feel like this!). I think you're right about talking to the health visitors team; although not sure how helpful they will be - I wish midwifery care in the UK was more one on one, so that I could have the same person with me the whole way through, I kind of wonder whether hiring a doula for the duration of my pregnancy would be the way to go!! Thanks also for your comment about having one child; my mum was an only child and always goes on about how unhappy she was and so always think it must be a bad thing...but maybe it's not always that bad after all!  Hugs to you and your lo xxx

@jacksmommy: that's so nice of you to do a bit of research for me, thank you! Yes, I sort of tell myself those stats all the time, but always have in the back of my head that nobody can guarantee anything, which sets me back to the start in terms of worrying! lol :-/ Yep, definitely agree that along with the health visitor I should talk to my gp about my issues - and I'll certainly be looking into the brewers diet too  hugs to you and your little ones too xxx

...update...I was going to post this last week, but have been doing a lot of thinking and have come to a decision (thanks for your help and advice!)  . Deep down, I know I have always wanted to have 2 children and I just can't imagine Ethan not having a little brother or sister and so with this in mind, I'm going to do all I can to get past my issue over the next year. I'm going to make an appointment to see my gp and health visitor and see if I can get a referral to see a therapist to discuss my issues about birth trauma. I'm also going to ask to be referred to the consultant who monitored my post-pregnancy pre-eclampsia, she was wonderful and said I should make an appointment to see her if I ever wanted to get pregnant again, so she could help me from a clinical point of view. I'm also going to do a bit of research into doulas that may specialise in assisting women who have a traumatic birth history. If I feel relatively confident after doing all of this, then I'm going to take the plunge! Thanks so much again for you advice. xxxxx


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## 25weeker

you have made the first step making the decision to try again. I know what a difficult decision it is to make as I changed my mind over the course of a year constantly. I had a pre pregnancy meeting with a consultant to get a pregnancy plan and ensure I was happy with it before trying again and even then it still took me another 6 months to pluck up the courage.

I did bite the bullet again and am 30 weeks today. A milestone I could never allow myself believe I would achieve. My care at the hospital has been brilliant as they seen me fortnightly from 16 - 28 weeks and then I will seem them again at 31 weeks then 34 weeks. 

Good luck xx


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## ILUVSHOPPING

I completely understand. I just got home from the hospital today. My little girl has to stay in the NICU until she learns how to feed. On June 11th I was diagnosed with mild preeclampsia, and after 4 days of unsuccessful inductions I begged for a c section and delivered on June 16. Prior to this experience my OH and I were wanting 4 children. Now I'm terrified of going through this again.


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## katy1310

I completely understand. I had my LO at 27 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia, and we desperately want another baby. I have so many conflicting thoughts going on, I just can't sort my head out. I get scared about what if we had another preemie, how could we cope with Sophie and one in NICU 60 miles away, without one of them not getting as much attention as we'd like, what if I actually didn't make it next time and left Sophie with no mummy (I know that's unlikely but the thought does cross your mind). 

We had a chat with the consultant and he said go for it - I'd be massively monitored and he said I'd be safer than last time because last time they didn't know to look out for it. I'm 37 though and the clock is ticking yet I am too scared to really take the plunge properly. xx


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## katy1310

25 weeker - :happydance:


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## Craigswife

I just wanted to add my journey. My little boy arrived at 28wks and was very poorly for the first week of his little life, on 2 occasions we were warned he might not survive but against the odds he did and is now a noisy 4 year old just about to start school. 
We spent the last 2 years deciding whether to have another baby and had the same fears as many of you and added in the fact we may need IVF again, as we did with our son, then a complicated pregnancy and the risk of another prem. both my husband and I had exactly the same worries and also wanted a sibling for our son. We arranged a meeting with the obstetrician who cared for me during my pregnancy to discuss the risks, we felt we wanted all the info, statistics etc to make an informed decision. 
Shortly after fate took the decision for us and I fell pregnant naturally in the autumn of last year, a complete surprise! Obviously the pregnancy was filled with worry from start to end, but the antenatal care I received was second to none. Several times I had silly worries and would go and get checked out and was always taken seriously by the midwives. As it happened my little girl arrived 8 weeks early, but her NICU journey was completely different and now on the other side I'm so glad we did it.,
I understand how you ladies feel and it's hard to take that leap, but as my obstetrician said they learn a lot from your first pregnancy so can plan and take prevenatieive measures during your second. 
Good luck!


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## Dinah93

It's normal to worry, but you may find it helpful to talk to someone. I had a few months of seeing a counsellor and she really did help me, despite the fact I'm not a talking about emotions type of person. 

I've done a LOT of research on pre-e and HELLP which is what caused our DD to arrive at 28 weeks, and spoken to several doctors. Basically your risk of getting it again is based on several factors, if you have existing high bp rather than pregnancy induced you're more likely to get pre-e again, if you have rapid onset pre-e (from trace of protein to full HELLP and early liver failure was 4 days in my case) you're more likely to get it again, and if you develop pre-e prior to 30 weeks again this raises your chances of getting it again. As I had all those risk factors I've been told it's about 50-50 that I'll get pre-e before 30 weeks and need to deliver that early again, it's about a 85-90% chance that I'll get pre-e at some point in the pregnancy. However if you don't have existing high bp, are a healthy weight, and it wasn't rapid onset etc last time your odds of getting it again are around 20%. There have been a few advancements in understanding of pre-e just in the last 2 years, women who have had pre-e in the UK are now routinely prescribed vitamin D as there is such a strong link between vitamin D deficiency and pre-e. In addition I personally would take a multivitamin for 6 months prior to TTC, as there was another study a few years ago where women who had had pre-e in a previous pg were regularly taking a multivitamin prior to conception were 45% less likely to develop pre-e in a subsequent pregnancy. I've always been wildly anti-vitamin, not believing they can pass the blood-brain barrier, or be absorbed at any kind of effective quantity, however having read these studies I'm perfectly happy to take the gamble that it might help.


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