# what to expect



## gnomette

today i went for my 20 weeks scan only to be told there was no heart beat i was transfered to the main hospital 15miles down the road they scanned me again an my baby has been dead for 3-4 days i cant have the tablet cause i am stil feeding my 2 year old at night to get her to settle ( i am not big one for routine before the age of 3) i am due to go back tomorrow to be given pessaries what do i have to expect i have had 2 children before whats it like in comparison?


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## mhazzab

Hiya I am so very sorry to hear your baby has passed away. My loss was my only birth to date so I can't tell you how it compared, from what the midwifes told me though, it was pretty much full blown labour for me, this was at 23 weeks. Every one is different though, I was on diamorphine & gas and air and still in a lot of pain, and I have spoken to others who delivered at hospital or home with minimal pain meds.
Hopefully some of the other girls will be along soon to give you their experiences.
So sorry again I hate when someone new has to find their way here x


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## gnomette

thats what i am afraid of! thank you for your honesty it means alot to me x:cry:


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## mhazzab

I'm sorry I hope I didn't worry you I just wanted to be honest. What I can say is that all the staff at the hospital were fantastic and so caring and did what they could to help us through it.

This may be a bit much for you right now, but have you thought about whether you want to make any memories with baby? Photos, footprints are all possible and are something you may treasure forever. If you go into the stillbirth loss section I think there is a sticky thread up top of things you might want to do. It's hard reading, but I wish I'd read it before leaving the hospital.
The hospital offered to take photos of my daughters...at the time I wondered why on earth I would want these...now they are my most treasured possession. 
Please feel free to ask if you have any more questions xxx


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## jennijunni

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost a son at 17 weeks, so not as far as you, it was my 5th child, and I had some very minor cramping for 2 days, and some bleeding (I opted to mc naturally, not in the hospital), and the morning I delivered him, I went to bed and had some cramps, again, nothing too bad, woke up with a large contraction, and felt something, ran downstairs, and gave a little push, and then one more contraction, and another little push, and I delivered him. I have only delivered my children naturally and tbh it was very easy physically, emotionally, it was awful. I am so, so sorry you have to go through this. Lots of hugs, and prayers!!


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## gnomette

No its what I wanted/needed to hear thank you x I don't want kid gloves I want the truth x so thank you an just hope it goes a quickly as it can tomorrow x


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## mhazzab

I will be thinking of you and your angel today, I hope the physical part is as painless as possible x


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain :cry:
I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 11 and at age 40 got the surprise of my life and then I was told it was girl :cloud9: I can't even tell you how I felt, never expected I would ever get pregnant at 40 let alone have a girl. I also lost Ava at 20 weeks, went in for my scan and there was no heartbeat, I died that day.
I was set up for a D&E (they put sticks up you which is called Seaweed what that does is opens the cervix to make it easier for them to get the baby out , that is why I went into labor in my home) I had no idea what a D&E was at the time, I had to stay 3 days with her inside of me before the operation could be done . I went home and googled D&E and I was mortified , I don't even want to tell you what it is, I purposely stayed home when I went into labor and I had her in my bathroom, but she was in one piece and we got to hold her and spend time with her. We buried Ava on 3/11/2011 and now over a year i have gotten back so normalcy in my life. I noticed that in the UK they are more inclined to induce you, but her in the US that isn't the case, i asked and they said no a D&E was better, well not for me it was.
I could have died and I know that now, but i didn't care Ava came into this world my way and that is all I wanted. I hope everything goes gentle for you and as easy and painless as possible.
Just know I am thinking of you..XOXOXOO Andrea 
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## nicksi27

gnomette said:


> today i went for my 20 weeks scan only to be told there was no heart beat i was transfered to the main hospital 15miles down the road they scanned me again an my baby has been dead for 3-4 days i cant have the tablet cause i am stil feeding my 2 year old at night to get her to settle ( i am not big one for routine before the age of 3) i am due to go back tomorrow to be given pessaries what do i have to expect i have had 2 children before whats it like in comparison?


Just wanted to say i am so, so sorry for your loss and that you are going through this. i heard those words on 16.2.12 at our 20 week scan and was told that my baby had also died a few days before. There are no words :cry:

I had the tablet that day and then had three lots of the pessarys two days later. I didnt get pain up until about two hours before jacob was born and the worst pain only lasted for about 20 minutes before he was born - it was all very quick at the end. i had codeine but thats all i was offered. 

take lots of pictures and spends lots of time with your little angel. thinking of you at such a sad time. :hugs:


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## Vickieh1981

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope today has gone as well as possible. I felt contractions when I delivered and was given pethadine by the hospital. I only had to dilate to about 6cm though so I guess that's the difference between a full term birth and not. xxxxx


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## Pinkorblue11

I'm so sorry, gnomette. My cervix was the reason behind my 20 week loss, no contractions were felt or picked up on the monitors. No pain until the OB had to reach in when my son's chin got stuck on my cervix. :( I agree with nicksi, take pictures, if you can and spend lots of time with your sweet angel. Keeping you in my thoughts.. :hugs::hugs:


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## TwoRdue

I am sorry for your loss...
I had my twins at 18 weeks, my water broke and I went into labour 2 days later at the hospital (the cord was hanging out so was high risk of infection) I was in labour for about 12 hours and was sometimes painful as I was having contractions in my chest instead of my uterus but they were able to give me good painkillers, with my first twin I started vomiting as I did end up with an infection and he just feel out and got stuck in my underwear (if you feel you need to take them off I suggest you do as my mf said no to me as she didnt think he was ready to come out and when he did it was awful to have him stuck there) but they had to put me back into labour with my second and it was not nice at all. Dont take my experience to heart as we are all different and you may find that yours is easy.
Best of luck hun.x


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## TwoRdue

I to say spend as much time as you can with you angel!! I got so many pictures and gave them lots of hugs, to start off with I didnt want to see them at all but I am so glad that I did as it is a time I will cherish always.x


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## gnomette

really sorry i have not posted since we got home i have been trying to get some help for my son (8) he doesn't seem to be doing so well. but unfortunatly things did not go quickly an it was more painful than the labours of my 2 children before i was given morphine an when that kicked in was fine as painless as i could have been but i was given my first tablet at 9am an he was born at 11.30pm he had the cord wrapped around his neck so there was nothing i could have done to help him even if it had been spotted before. we called him elliott he weighed 360g an was bigger than i thought he would have been i have pictures an i have the hat they put on him when they took pictures to hide some of the swelling on his head i have his foot prints an loads of little bits that they let me keep i have managed to organise a casket for his ashes but i have been told that a mid wife is coming to see me but i also asked if my midwife would be able to come an then i got a call off another one an i asked if i could wait til mine was available my dr has signed me off work til the 23rd so we will see what happens. thank you all for your honesty an your support i really do appreciate it x


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## mhazzab

Thank you so much for updating us, I was thinking of you the last few days.

I'm really sorry to hear that physically it was hard for you, I was kind of hoping you would be 'lucky' if you know what I mean, not to have to deal with that as well as the emotional trauma.

Such a tragic waste, for your little Elliott to pass away. 

I'm glad you got to see him and get some memories, trust me you will treasure those forever. My daughter Eve was 554g and Megan was 442g at 23 weeks when they were born...I remember thinking they were so tiny and yet bigger than I expected, and so very perfect. Nothing was wrong with them at all. Even at that stage, I could see how similar Megan looked to my mum.

I'm sure its probably of no comfort at all right now but at least you know the cause, you won't have to wait weeks to find out. There's absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this and it's so unfair.

I'm sorry your son isn't dealing with it very well, I guess that's probably normal. It has taken me months to come to terms with what happened, and even some days I am still angry at the world. He is so young and innocent, it must be difficult for him to understand why this has happened.

Please don't rush back to work...I took 20 weeks off (I actually ironically qualified for maternity leave as Megan lived for a few minutes) and it took me a number of weeks to feel even ready to face work again. Even when I did go back after all that time, I broke down and had to take another couple of weeks off. What I'm trying to say is, dont rush yourself or let anyone else rush you. Take the time you need for youself, and to spend with your family.

are you going to have a funeral service? 

take care of yourself and remember that everyone in here knows what you are going through, sadly, and are always here if you need to talk or find comfort or even just to scream at the world xxx


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## gnomette

i have been going back to see him at least every other day i cant bear the thought of him being on his own i know that must sound really strange but i just want to bring him home! yes we are having a funeral service but i missed the call today cause i was with elliott. but today when i went to see him i have had to make him look more comfortable cause he had his foot moulds done yesterday they didn't give much care as to how they put him back in his face was pushed against the side of his blanket his head had been turned an they had curled his legs and feet were squashed under his body his hands were under his back and the teddy we bought him was shoved on his little face and he just looked so uncomfortable i just sat there an sobbed wile me an my husband were trying to make him look as comfortable as we can its the last thing i wanted to do!! :cry: i know he doesnt look like a normal new born baby but he is still a baby an he is my baby surely they must have known someone loves him that we would be coming back to see him that he didnt look comfortable how would they feel if that was their child left like that i am sooo cross an so upset when the mid wife came back in with a cup of tea i told her if i find him like that again i will be making a complaint i know its not her fault but what else can i say? hes my son an i would give anything for him not to be there why do that i really don't understand! i am still very cross with the world i have not seen anyone an i wont answer texts or phone calls unless they are things i need to sort out like to go see elliott or sort his funeral all the wile i can go an see him as much as i want i seem to be ok but the thought that i dont have much longer to see him is what i am struggling with at the moment but when i am with him i keep imagining him breathing or that his eyes move an then i snap out of it an it hurts as much if not more than it did tuesday when he was born i am sure that all sounds really odd to you all but its what scares me at the moment i am not ready to say good bye i don't want to i know i have to but at the moment i really don't want to! :cry:


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## mhazzab

it doesnt seem strange at all that you want to be with him. I was the opposite and scared to see my daughters at first...but I knew they were together, so it didn't feel like I was leaving them alone. Everyone is different, some of the other ladies in here were the same as you and spent as much time as possible with their angels. Just spend as much time as you need with him while you can, and make as many memories as possible.

I'm really sorry that when they took the moulds they didn't put him back nicely...that was very thoughtless of them and they really should know better. 

Did they put a little hat and blanket or something on him? My daughters were each given hats and they were wrapped in a blanket together it meant a lot to be able to do that.

Its completely normal to blank out the rest of the world and not want to see or speak to anyone. I found it difficult for a long time. Just make sure you keep communicating with your husband.

if there is anything I can do for you...please let me know x


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