# Autism



## pinkneon

Hi, my partner's son, Arthur, is 6 years old. He's recently been diagnosed with Autism, and is starting his new, special needs school next week. He has bursts of anger and frustration where he will kick, scream, shout and doesn't know how to control this. He doesn't really understand why he feels like this. We've been told that some of this may be due to the Autism, but also his mother dies in a skiing accident last year and so some of the anger and frustration could be because of that. Looking after him can be difficult, especially when he lashes out at one of us. He's usually a happy, sweet little boy and loves trains but can flip in an instant. He can have tantrums over the smallest thing. We were originally told that he just had behavior problems, but after being assessed properly he was diagnosed with Autism. His last school found him difficult to cope with and he spent a lot of time out of the classroom being taught on his own by another teacher. He finds making and keeping friends very difficult.
He is getting bereavement counselling with a therapist where he does art and play therapy. He always comes home very upset after it and usually his behavior is worse on that day, though the therapist says he is doing well.
I just wondered if anyone else here has an autistic child, and can give some advice as how we can help him?


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## PresqueVu

pinkneon said:


> We've been told that some of this may be due to the Autism, but also his mother dies in a skiing accident last year and so some of the anger and frustration could be because of that.

I'm so sorry for you all :hugs:

There is a meltdown tactics and support thread that might help with some calming down things. 

Books like this one have helped both at home and school: All kinds of feelings

We do a lot of talking about feelings and empathy and so forth but it sounds like that will already be happening and is mixed up with all the grief. 

If he hasn't already a quiet place in the house that is safe for him might help, like a calm down spot or area? Sensory toys (glow sticks, goo, chewable jewellery are good - anything tactile or interesting) can be good. You can get flashcards from ebay and similar, bigger ones for at home, or smaller ones to attach to a keyring. I've had some success with social stories but not so much with the charts. I know you can get plastic keyrings with red/orange/green visual aids to let them know about their behaviour - similar things with feelings to show faces, so if they aren't able to say it, sometimes they can pick out the one they identify with at that time.

In terms of the violence I can tell you that the most important thing for us has been the understanding that it isn't anything to do with the person he is hurting. He isn't lashing out at you, you just happen to be in the way when he can't control himself. Finding out the triggers can help I'm told, we haven't got there yet with ours although the play therapy has certainly been a good thing.

Have you tried keeping a diary or similar to work out if there are any common themes? It's meant to be useful for tracking behaviour...if you have the time to do it!

Hope that helps a little and the people in this section are lovely, so they'll be more along in a bit :flower:


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## Tor

My son has autism but has never been aggressive or violent so its not something I can help with but is he under anyone now that deals with autism, or can you get in touch with whoever diagnosed him and ask about courses that you and his Dad could attend?

We have quite a few courses in our area and they have been really helpful, maybe get in touch with the national autistic society and see whats going on in your area there should also be acitivties in your area for children with autism and their families which might be helpful for you to talk to other parents going through similar things and they have people there that you can seek advice from also.

Sounds like he has been through a lot so it is no wonder that he is feeling all over the place even without autism I'm sure he would struggle after losing his mum :(


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## Thurinius

As others said keep a diary of when he lashes out. It may be that will help you spot the trigger and then you can try to avoid that trigger. It could be something as inane as he's tired or hungry or it may be linked to some action. My autistic son is a placid little boy but he lashes out at his brother if he touches his precious pile of comics or gets very upset if he takes something out of the room he thinks it should be in, eg bringing a mop into the lounge. Knowing this stuff helps us pre empt it or stop it before he gets too upset and can't control his emotions.


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## pinkneon

Hey all :hi:

Thanks for your replies.

We have been keeping a diary, and so far all we've come up with is not to touch or move any of his precious trains, as that really gets him going! We've been going to a weekly support group since he was give the diagnosis, and this has been so much help to us as not only has it given us more information about Autism, but there are other parents there with Autistic children who've got to know. We actually had everyone here over the weekend for dinner and all the children had a sleepover in our living room! There was a lot of noise, but I think they had fun!
The quiet area in the house sounds like a good idea - but is it like a punishment place? So if he's naughty we send him there for time out, or is it somewhere he can go if he's upset so he can calm down? We'll look into the sensory toys and flashcards. He goes to a play center once a week where they do a sort of play therapy with sensory toys and I have really seen the difference this has had for him, so we'll definitely look into getting some for him. Should we put them in his room, or the quiet area?
Once he starts his new school next week I'm hoping they'll be able to support us more. The classes are very small and are specific to each learning disability (so there's a class just for children with Autism, a class just for children with Down's Syndrome etc). Although I'm worried this will make him feel discriminated, the school has a very good reputation, and seems to have great results. I think the classes are split like this because the teachers are trained for that specific disability. We met his new teacher today, and she's so lovely. She made us feel very welcome. There's only 8 children in the class, and with the class teacher there is also 2 support staff. He loves the fact that there's a train set, but I'm not sure how he's going to cope with other children playing with it!!
I wanted to ask, is he eligible for children's DLA? We haven't applied yet because we don't really understand how it works. Ben works full time so does that affect the claim?
He had a tantrum in the shop today because we were in a rush so I forgot to let him get his comic - he's allowed one every Friday. Although he's had tantrums in shops before we've usually been able to stop them quite quickly, but today everyone was staring at us and it was hard for me to calm him down. I sometimes wonder whether I should tell the people looking at us that he's Autistic, so they'll stop staring, but I feel like it's nothing to do with them? He did eventually calm down and we had a cuddle and he even said sorry, which was unusual. I did get his comic in the end, as well as a new train as I felt so guilty for forgetting the comic in the first place! Anyone got any advice on how to stop the tantrums quickly? So far we've been told to try and ignore it, but it's hard when you're trying to go round the shop and everyone is starring at you!
Bedtimes can be a struggle too. He is supposed to go to bed at 7:30 - is this too early for a 6 year old? Anyway, we do the whole bedtime routine, bath, story then bed but most nights it's a struggle getting him upstairs into the bath. Then we have tantrums when it comes to washing his hair as he hates this! We recently worked out that he doesn't like the shower head, so stopped using it, and started using a jug to wash his hair. Getting him out of the bath can be difficult as he wants to continue playing but he's ok at story time though doesn't have much of an attention span so Ben and I make half the story up to make it end quicker for him! Once he's in bed he goes to sleep quite quickly usually. Is there any way of making the bedtime routine better for him? Are we missing something? Should we be doing something differently? Sometimes I feel like we're constantly bribing him to help make things work better, and even though I know it's totally wrong to bribe him, it seems to help?!?!?! :shrug:
One of the paediatricians told us recently that diet can play a big factor in an Autistic child, however no one else seems to have any advice on this. Are there things we shouldn't give him? We do try to give him a healthy diet, but there's a lot of things he won't eat. He usually just wants the same meals over and over, and although it seems boring, it feels easier to give in to him to make it easier on all of us. We don't usually allow him sweets or chocolate though as we noticed that this makes him hyper and makes his behavior worse. 
Sorry, this post is a lot longer than I intended. It's just so new to us that we're still finding our feet a little. But any advice would be helpful :thumbup:


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## Thurinius

You sound like you are doing brilliantly.

You will qualify for Dla as it's not means tested. We get the middle rate for my 4 year old son.
Re tantrums I know that feeling. 
Whether to explain or not explain. Though I know it's hard try not to worry what people think, the important thing is that your boy is safe and happy. If people's stares bother you then tell them. 
I do sometimes if I think it's necessary, such as in the shoe shop to explain why she needs to put the left hand shoe on his foot first and that he won't cooperate if she doesn't. The very young shop assistant wasn't fazed at all at this.

7.30 sounds fine as a bed time. I have to physical haul my son upstairs but once we get into his routine he is fine but we have so much stuff we have to do in a certain order it is pretty tiring for us!

The school sounds great. With such small class numbers I'm sure he'll flourish.

I think you are doing everything for your boy. And you'll have bad days as everyone on this board does but brilliant days too! :)


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## pinkneon

Thurinius said:


> You sound like you are doing brilliantly.
> 
> You will qualify for Dla as it's not means tested. We get the middle rate for my 4 year old son.
> Re tantrums I know that feeling.
> Whether to explain or not explain. Though I know it's hard try not to worry what people think, the important thing is that your boy is safe and happy. If people's stares bother you then tell them.
> I do sometimes if I think it's necessary, such as in the shoe shop to explain why she needs to put the left hand shoe on his foot first and that he won't cooperate if she doesn't. The very young shop assistant wasn't fazed at all at this.
> 
> 7.30 sounds fine as a bed time. I have to physical haul my son upstairs but once we get into his routine he is fine but we have so much stuff we have to do in a certain order it is pretty tiring for us!
> 
> The school sounds great. With such small class numbers I'm sure he'll flourish.
> 
> I think you are doing everything for your boy. And you'll have bad days as everyone on this board does but brilliant days too! :)

Thanks. He starts school tomorrow and he's understandably very nervous. He's a bit upset about the thought of going but for the first week he finishes at 12 so he won't be there all day. I'm a little concerned about he'll cope once he's there most of the day (school starts at 9 and finishes at 2) because he usually needs to have a nap during the day. I just hope he doesn't scream the school down! 
He's always had a problem with bed wetting, but recently he's been wetting himself during the day. At the moment we're putting it down to anxiety about school, but we can't work out why it's happening. We tried to ask him but he went and hid in a corner sucking his thumb and it took us almost an hour to coax him out and reassure him that we weren't angry and wasn't going to tell him off.
Was wondering ... Would sticker charts help or would it be too hard for him to understand? I'm not yet sure what we'd put on it, but we could have two or three things that we wanted him to do. I'm not totally sure he'd understand how it works though.
Also, following someone's reply on here about sensory toys, we have found a couple of good websites that I wanted to share in case you all hadn't known about them :
1) https://www.specialneedstoys.com/uk/
2) https://www.cheapdisabilityaids.co.uk/sensory-toys-and-sensory-lighting-1-c.asp
3) https://www.sensorytoywarehouse.com/

We've bought a few things that I hope will help him to calm down and also to communicate better with us :thumbup:


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## pinkneon

So Arthur started his new school today. Let's just say it didn't go too well! He had a massive tantrum when I dropped him off, so I stayed with him a while (as did a lot of the parents actually!) whilst he calmed down. The teacher diffused the situation by calling all the children to play with some beanbags. Arthur loves beanbags so ran over and tripped over a chair! :dohh: So then he cried again and no amount of cuddling could persuade him to rejoin the other children. When he'd calmed down from that incident it was time for free play. Arthur went over to the trains and I made that my cue to leave. He saw me sneaking out of the door, and screamed. One of the support workers told me to go and she'd look after Arthur. So I carried on going, feeling so guilty leaving him in that state :cry:. When I picked him up at 12 (they're finishing at 12 for the first week) his little face was red, and I was told he'd ripped up lots of paper, had a tantrum because he didn't want a snack, hit another child who tried to play with the trains, bit one of the support workers (accidently), thrown sand in another child's eyes, thrown the whole water tray over, grazed his knee, bumped his head a second time and then stood in the middle of the classroom and screamed for the rest of the day! :dohh: All this in just 3 hours!!
When I got him home he'd asked for chicken nuggets for lunch, so I made them, and then he threw them on the floor and told me he didn't want chicken nuggets, he wanted fish fingers! Like I supposed to know?! I told him that making him fish fingers would take a long time (well, long for him!) so he could have something else, and he eventually agreed to have a sandwich, though couldn't decide what he wanted in the sandwich. He then picked up what wasleft of the chicken nuggest and put them in the sandwich :haha:
After lunch I took him upstairs for a sleep and he slept for almost 2 hours!! :sleep:
Then the rest of today has passed quite peacefully so far. I'm making pasta for dinner which apparently he wants baked beans in it :shrug:, so I'm making tuna pasta bake for me and Ben to have later and pasta with beans for Arthur. I just hope we don't have a battle at bedtime, though I think we will - though it's his daddy's turn to put him to bed, so if there's any tantrums Ben can deal with it :coffee:
Hopefully things will be a bit better for him tomorrow, because he'll be a bit more used to his new school, though it might take him a little while to settle in.


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## alibaba24

I hope he settles at school for you. Sorry iv no other advice but sounds like your doing all you can. Maybe for the chart you can do one with something he really likes. And take a picture of it so he knows he can have that as a reward


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## Reid

pinkneon said:


> So Arthur started his new school today. Let's just say it didn't go too well! He had a massive tantrum when I dropped him off, so I stayed with him a while (as did a lot of the parents actually!) whilst he calmed down. The teacher diffused the situation by calling all the children to play with some beanbags. Arthur loves beanbags so ran over and tripped over a chair! :dohh: So then he cried again and no amount of cuddling could persuade him to rejoin the other children. When he'd calmed down from that incident it was time for free play. Arthur went over to the trains and I made that my cue to leave. He saw me sneaking out of the door, and screamed. One of the support workers told me to go and she'd look after Arthur. So I carried on going, feeling so guilty leaving him in that state :cry:. When I picked him up at 12 (they're finishing at 12 for the first week) his little face was red, and I was told he'd ripped up lots of paper, had a tantrum because he didn't want a snack, hit another child who tried to play with the trains, bit one of the support workers (accidently), thrown sand in another child's eyes, thrown the whole water tray over, grazed his knee, bumped his head a second time and then stood in the middle of the classroom and screamed for the rest of the day! :dohh: All this in just 3 hours!!
> When I got him home he'd asked for chicken nuggets for lunch, so I made them, and then he threw them on the floor and told me he didn't want chicken nuggets, he wanted fish fingers! Like I supposed to know?! I told him that making him fish fingers would take a long time (well, long for him!) so he could have something else, and he eventually agreed to have a sandwich, though couldn't decide what he wanted in the sandwich. He then picked up what wasleft of the chicken nuggest and put them in the sandwich :haha:
> After lunch I took him upstairs for a sleep and he slept for almost 2 hours!! :sleep:
> Then the rest of today has passed quite peacefully so far. I'm making pasta for dinner which apparently he wants baked beans in it :shrug:, so I'm making tuna pasta bake for me and Ben to have later and pasta with beans for Arthur. I just hope we don't have a battle at bedtime, though I think we will - though it's his daddy's turn to put him to bed, so if there's any tantrums Ben can deal with it :coffee:
> Hopefully things will be a bit better for him tomorrow, because he'll be a bit more used to his new school, though it might take him a little while to settle in.

Aww hugs to you both tomorrow (or today rather) is another day and I hope it's alot better for you both xx


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## pinkneon

What a week we've had!!
Arthur started his new school last week, but isn't settling at all. His teacher and the support workers are finding it hard because Arthur is constantly running around the room making noises - usually train noises - and flapping his arms wildly. I think it might be some sort of self stimulation? Anyway, he finds it hard to sit still with one activity for more than about 5 minutes. We have this at home too, and I'm wondering if this is a typical behavior of Autism or if he may also have ADHD? His moods are very unpredictable and he often hits other children, or screams in their faces. Because of this, his school have decided that for now - until he settles in - he has his own 1:1 support worker, which means an extra adult in the room with the other children, which I think has unsettled them all slightly. Arthur doesn't leave his support worker alone at all. He clings to her wherever she goes, whether it's to open a window, to get her lunch or go to the toilet. There is a room full of sensory lights and toys, and Arthur spends a large amount of time in there, as it seems to be the only thing to keep him calm. At his last school he didn't get anything in the way of education, as they spent most of the day either chasing him or trying to cope with his frustration and his episodes of "zoning out" where he seems totally unaware of his surroundings. Now, we have this at home too, but we usually have to talk to him and occasionally touch his arm to bring him back round. Ben and I are staring to wonder if his Autism is more severe than we first thought. Although he _can_ talk, it's not always clear what he's trying to communicate to us, which I think is where the frustration in him comes from because if we don't understand him then it's hard for him t get what he wants. He also only talks to certain people, which seem to be people he feels safe with. I don't know if this a typical trait of Autism of if this is also a selective mutism thing. We've noticed that Arthur is quite good at simple puzzles, and if you show him the picture he can usually figure out how to put the puzzle together, but he can't read or count, which I guess is what school is for though currently we're not having any success at school. He's also started wetting himself more and more during the day, which I'm wondering might be some sort of anxiety thing ...

*I haven't finished what I wanted to say, but I have to go pick Arthur up from school because he's just been sick!*


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