# I didnt make it to work today :(



## Pink_Sparkle

I was supposed to returning to work tonight for my first nightshift since I lost Freya. My supervisor phoned me to explain my sickline covered me today and I didnt need to return until tomorrow night...I just broke down on the phone :cry:

She said she personally thought it was far too soon for me to be returning to work. A few of my colleagues also texted to say they thought I was putting myself under too much pressure to return to work....they're totally right. I only buried my angel 2 weeks ago.

My work are going to arrange for me to see a counselor which is good. 
I guess im not as strong as I thought. 

Thanks for reading my ramble xx


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## confused2011

You are strong and don't ever doubt that. The burden of losing our precious angels is more than most people can even bare. We are warriors. I just lost my little one 5 days ago and it hurts unbelievably but I am finding peace that something had to have been wrong and God didn't want him to suffer. I know we all find our peace at different points and I pray for you.


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## Pink_Sparkle

Thanks Confused. I am so so sorry for your loss also. Its weird...I actually felt ok about going back to work until it came to actually getting ready to go to work :( I kinda feel like ive taken one step forward and two steps back. Maybe I just wasnt ready at all for that first step. xx


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## confused2011

I think thats what this journey is like tho honestly. You think you get so far and then the next day your back where you were before.. Its never easy and we each just gotta find our path... however long that takes.


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## mhazzab

I'm sorry you didn't make it in...
I think I said before, I actually took 20 weeks off (I qualified for my mat leave because one of my babies was born alive) and when I returned to work after all that time I still broke down and had to take another week off, and then work part time for the next month. I really admire you for trying to go back so soon but be gentle on yourself...you have been through What I hope will be the worst moments of your life, take time to deal with it and make sure you are truly ready, especially if you are in a stressful job x


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## jessandaj

your even stronger then you thought you were dont be down on yourself because it takes a very strong person to admit when they just cant do something ill keep you in my thoughts


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## Beaglemama

:hugs: Pink_Sparkle please don't be hard on yourself sweetie. You have been though so much, and only 3 weeks ago. You can't rush your emotions or recovery (as much as we'd like to, I know!) Going back to work is really hard. It's like you're supposed to just go back to your old routine and it simply feels "wrong". This isn't how it's supposed to be... I really understand how you feel. But it doesn't mean you've taken a step back at all! Just feeling up to going back is great progress :thumbup: and you'll get there! I went back last week, and on my first morning back, I sat in my car in the parking lot crying, I thought I was going to be sick! Then I had a few good days, then a day where I had to rush to the bathroom at work and cry. This is a rollercoaster Hun. And you are handling it so well.:hugs:

Take as much time as you need, and we are all here for you! :hugs: Take care xxxx


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## Pink_Sparkle

Thank you all for your kind replies. I guess because I had a few "ok" days where I wasnt breaking down crying doesnt mean I am ready to go back to work. With the nature of my job (I deal with emergency calls for the ambulance service). I deal with alot of distressing, stressful and unfortunately abusive calls. Normally this wouldnt bother me, Ive been doing it for 4 years and im normally thick skinned and strong minded..... I just couldnt emotionally deal with my calls just now :cry: Even the thought of stepping back in my control room is giving me jitters. My colleagues have been really supportive which is good. 

In a way I feel like I am betraying Freya's memory by getting 'back to normal' so soon. I am hoping to speak to a counselor soon so that should help....hopefully. xxx


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## Andypanda6570

After I lost Ava it took maybe a week for it to really hit me.I remember after I gave birth to her the nurse gave me a card for grief counseling and I thought to myself " I don't need this" Good God how wrong i was. :cry::cry: And now a year & a half later I am better but those days still come when I just break down and I know it will probably always be this way. Take your time don't force yourself , you will be ok. The days of sadness are always there but it does get better after awhile, some happiness gets in between the sadness :hugs:
It is still so early for you, you need time. Wishing you all the best..XOXO
Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Pink_Sparkle

Thank you for your kind words. When I think back to losing Freya, it was almost like it was someone else who went throughit....like it was a bad dream. How on earth did I get through that and not die of a broken heart?? I remember thinking a few days afterwards 'I think I am coping ok'...maybe it hadnt hit me properly? Or maybe it hits you hard again when you try to resume normal activities like work?? xxx


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## Hellylou

Hi,

I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy at 16 weeks last year to PPROM and I went back to work after 4 weeks. I think I was just desperate to get back to 'normality' after the total nightmare. I think I wanted to block it all out and be around people again. That worked for a while but 4 weeks in I had to deal with someone who had lost twins and then an abusive member of the public (I also deal with the public and have to deal with very sensitive issues) and I broke down completely and had to go off again.

Be very gentle on yourself during these weeks. There is no right or wrong path to healing but you will find your way towards that in your own time, and you will know when you are ready to go back to work. 

Take care :hugs:


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## Beaglemama

I'm sorry hun, and I agree with the other posts - go easy on yourself. How you're feeling is completely normal. I know I felt the same way, like going back into a routine was wrong. I felt like if I wasn't mourning my Madison, then who was? It's so hard. But when you're ready, you'll know. And you'll still have ups and downs. I hope talking to a counselor will help :hugs:

Take Care xxxx :hugs:


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## Pink_Sparkle

Its a comfort to know that how I am feeling is normal. I feel as though I have no control of my emotions. My body doesnt feel like mine. I just need to adjust and that will take time. You ladies are so supportive, thank you so much for being there. :hugs::hugs::hugs: xxx


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## kiki04

Hun that is sooo hard. I can totally relate as I lost Hadlee on a thursday, was home the friday and the following week, then was back at work the next. I had 11 days to grieve before walking in to work.... with not everyone knowing... and asking me how my pg was going etc etc etc... it was awful.... pls take as much tiume as you need :hugs:


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## sharan

Oh Hun! I was going to ask how you're first day went but then saw this post. 

Like all the other ladies have said. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. I have taken 7 weeks off from work and only returned this morning. Even after all that time I was still getting ever so anxious last night and this morning I could just feel my heart racing. 

Thankfully my team have been absolutely brilliant and my sergeant has allowed me to work 4 hours a day this week just in order to ease myself back in again. Next week I will increase my day to 6 hours then see how I am feeling after that.

If you still don't feel upto returning to work then take some more time off. Wait until you do feel better xx


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## Pink_Sparkle

I was just expecting too much from myself too soon. Im seeing the doctor tomorrow so I'll get another sick line. I thought by staying at home, I was just delaying the inevitable...I need to remember that I need to heal first...I think I was just in a survival mode for a few weeks but now the dust has settled its hit me. I'll have a bit more time then do a phased return to ease back into it. 
xxx


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## Beaglemama

That's a great way to put it "survival mode". You're absolutely right. Some of my lowest times were around 1 month after my loss. It would just hit me. I think my hormones had started to settle, and the real loss sunk in. But it will get better... just take it easy. You really can't rush yourself.

We're all here for you. :hugs: Maybe you can take this time and do something for you? Paint your nails nice, or get a different haircut? Just do anything you need to feel better. :hugs: And please write anytime!! You have my email :flower:


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## mhazzab

Beaglemama said:


> We're all here for you. :hugs: Maybe you can take this time and do something for you? Paint your nails nice, or get a different haircut? Just do anything you need to feel better. :hugs: And please write anytime!! You have my email :flower:

That's a great idea and pretty much what I did...I learned how to knit, so I could make little hats and blankets to donate to the hospital for other angel babies, and started making my own jewellery too. I just needed to find myself...not sure about you guys but all my time during pregnancy had been spent surfing the web reading baby type things or buying baby stuff...I really didn't know what to do with myself without that. You'll find your way again...just be gentle of yourself and don't expect too much of yourself xx


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## Pink_Sparkle

Beaglemama said:


> That's a great way to put it "survival mode". You're absolutely right. Some of my lowest times were around 1 month after my loss. It would just hit me. I think my hormones had started to settle, and the real loss sunk in. But it will get better... just take it easy. You really can't rush yourself.
> 
> We're all here for you. :hugs: Maybe you can take this time and do something for you? Paint your nails nice, or get a different haircut? Just do anything you need to feel better. :hugs: And please write anytime!! You have my email :flower:

Thanks Allyson - Ive just sent you a rambling email :wacko: Ive had my hair and nails done, that made me feel better for a little bit. Im quite an impatient person so I will just need to be patient and ride this out x x x


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## Pink_Sparkle

mhazzab said:


> Beaglemama said:
> 
> 
> We're all here for you. :hugs: Maybe you can take this time and do something for you? Paint your nails nice, or get a different haircut? Just do anything you need to feel better. :hugs: And please write anytime!! You have my email :flower:
> 
> That's a great idea and pretty much what I did...I learned how to knit, so I could make little hats and blankets to donate to the hospital for other angel babies, and started making my own jewellery too. I just needed to find myself...not sure about you guys but all my time during pregnancy had been spent surfing the web reading baby type things or buying baby stuff...I really didn't know what to do with myself without that. You'll find your way again...just be gentle of yourself and don't expect too much of yourself xxClick to expand...

Thats really impressive - I'd love to be able to knit! How did you learn? We have Freya's little hat and blanket from the hospital in her memory box...I'd love to be able to give something back to my local maternity hospital. They were great when I lost Freya. 
I was totally the same as you when I was pregnant...I used to get lost on the computer looking at baby things...I loved it & I really miss it too. I really hope one day soon I get to do that again for my rainbow xxx


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## mhazzab

I just bought a book (called knitty gritty, I think) a ball of wool and some bamboo needles and within half an hour of opening the book I was knitting a blanket. The first one wasn't pretty but it was a start! Its really easy! There's a group called Lisa's Stars who donate to hospitals, they take all sorts of donations.
It made me feel good to be doing something for other angel parents...I really was grateful for the hats and blanket my girls were given. And it helped pass the time X


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## Beaglemama

Good for you mhazzab! I can't knit to save my life! But I have been trying to do things for myself - I really want to get my hair cut short, it just feels so long and heavy right now. I have a hair appt next week so we'll see. :winkwink:

Pink_Sparkle - I apologize because I wrote you back, and like you, I find expressing my thoughts and feelings to be very therapeutic... so my e-mail is a bit long! :blush: sorry!!


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## Pink_Sparkle

I just watched a YouTube video on how to knit....It looks tricky!! Hmmm not sure if I'd be able to pick it up. It must be a real feel good factor knowing you are giving back to something that gave to you in your time of need...I'll need to get my thinking cap on and see if theres anything I could do as I would really love to help others in our situation.

Beaglemama thank you for replying :) It really does help just to spill out your heart. 
Mhazzab, if you want to email just pm your email address. xx


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## mhazzab

Pink_Sparkle said:


> I just watched a YouTube video on how to knit....It looks tricky!! Hmmm not sure if I'd be able to pick it up. It must be a real feel good factor knowing you are giving back to something that gave to you in your time of need...I'll need to get my thinking cap on and see if theres anything I could do as I would really love to help others in our situation.
> 
> Beaglemama thank you for replying :) It really does help just to spill out your heart.
> Mhazzab, if you want to email just pm your email address. xx

I guess you could do some fundraising for some baby loss charities (SANDS, SiMBA) if you wanted to? Or donate some other stuff to the hospitals, little teddies or something?

Will PM you my email...feel free to use it anytime, I know I'm a bit ahead of you on this horrible journey but sometimes it helps to hear that it can get better or just to have someone to vent at! I still have bad days too, they are just further apart x


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## vsheff2984

You are strong! I only took 4 weeks off with my first loss and did okay. I tokk 5 and 1/2 weeks this time and I totally have gone back to soon. I have worked a total of 4 days and only made it through one shift without having a breakdown and or panic attack. Please take your time and don't go back until you are ready! I am trying to tough it out, but I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to pretend to cope. Hang in there! There is nothing wrong with needing more time off! Take it if you need it!


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