# How can you TTC when you don't dtd often?



## Iveneverseen

This is embarrassing and gets me down. 

It has went from once a week, to once a fortnight, to once every 5-6 weeks but have seen a few times up to 2 months.

How are we supposed to ttc if this is the situation? I think i am being nieve thinking it will happen. things are otherwise fine.


----------



## xakikox

A lot of women try to time it by dtd in a small window of ovulation. Try taking your temperature every morning and pinpointing when you ovulate or using the strips. That being said, the more you dtd, the better off you'll be. We did it 2 weeks straight, right after my period until my temperature dropped. Good luck!


----------



## storm4mozza

xakikox said:


> A lot of women try to time it by dtd in a small window of ovulation. Try taking your temperature every morning and pinpointing when you ovulate or using the strips. That being said, the more you dtd, the better off you'll be. We did it 2 weeks straight, right after my period until my temperature dropped. Good luck!

I agree, try to DTD when your most fertile
Good Luck x


----------



## Iveneverseen

See I know about when I'm ovulating, the problem is having sex. 4-6 weeks can easily go by without any sex, so i really don't know how we will be able to dtd a few times in the ovulation period when now we do it every 6 weeks :( x


----------



## Iveneverseen

Noone else is the same situation?


----------



## Lirpa11

If you know when you're ovulating can't you ask your hubby to baby dance? Not many men would say no? Is there a reason you don't DTD much?


----------



## Iveneverseen

Lirpa11 said:


> If you know when you're ovulating can't you ask your hubby to baby dance? Not many men would say no? Is there a reason you don't DTD much?

I do know when I'm ovulating that's not the issue.
what is a baby dance?
he hasn't a high sex drive, has just got worse and worse. I used to think once a week is bad now it sounds like a dream Lol.


----------



## jtr2803

Firstly, no, you aren't alone. Men with low/non existent sex drives are much more common than people generally realise, it's just not something that really gets talked about.

If you are both committed to trying then surely your oh will realise that the amount of sex you have needs to increase? Its perfectly possible to fall pregnant after just one time if it happens at the right time of the month.

I really think it's your oh you need to talk to about this though.....


----------



## Iveneverseen

jtr2803 said:


> Firstly, no, you aren't alone. Men with low/non existent sex drives are much more common than people generally realise, it's just not something that really gets talked about.
> 
> If you are both committed to trying then surely your oh will realise that the amount of sex you have needs to increase? Its perfectly possible to fall pregnant after just one time if it happens at the right time of the month.
> 
> I really think it's your oh you need to talk to about this though.....

I know it only takes once, but when he will only do it once every 6 weeks it's pretty impossible,. we have spoke about this numerous times. maybe i should just accept it and move on, just not nice feeling rejected.

I don't think about it too much these days, but the odd time it will pop up and make me feel like rubbish.


----------



## jtr2803

But what have you spoken about? The infrequency of sex generally or how you will conceive if things don't increase?


----------



## Iveneverseen

jtr2803 said:


> But what have you spoken about? The infrequency of sex generally or how you will conceive if things don't increase?

Both. He know's how i feel about the fact it doesn't happen often. I have also voiced my concerns of how will we conceive if we dtd every 5-6 weeks? he just say's not to worry about it we will. weird How? we don't even have sex once a month for fun?!


----------



## butterbaby

It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.

I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex. 

Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.

Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?

Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.


----------



## Iveneverseen

butterbaby said:


> It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.
> 
> I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex.
> 
> Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.
> 
> Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?
> 
> Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.

Thanks Hun. :hugs:

As far as i am aware he doesn't watch porn, that is what he tells me and he say's he wouldn't wanna watch it unless i did with him. he doesn't get exited about it like he would when he was single.

It hasn't always been like this it was once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month now once every 5-6 weeks. but we have went 2 months without.

I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him, but he just says he is tired, sore ect he suffers ibs but was like this before then.

We have had this problem for years, we have got 3 kids (2 together) but it's just got worse and worse. i just don't think he really cares about my needs at all.

I just tend to try forget about it now, the odd time it will upset me. i vow to reject him next time like he does me, but he rarely initiates it, and when he does i give in and i hate myself for that. 
as when he rarely does want to i always give him it.

last night he was watching a programme with a sex schene on (he watches a few programmes with frequent sex schenes in) and i just got upset and went to bed.

he say's he wants another child, but if he has trouble putting out now, how is he gonna manage when it comes to it.

I just wanna spend the night in my room away from him it upsets me. i dont get like this on regular occurrence, just once every few months then i get over it again.


----------



## Angel_blues

Just gonna point this out your posting in the wrong section and for women like me who just had their ttc dates cancelled it is very aggravating to see this type of post.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Angel_blues said:


> Just gonna point this out your posting in the wrong section and for women like me who just had their ttc dates cancelled it is very aggravating to see this type of post.

How is it the wrong section it's about ttc.
how is it aggravating? at least you will get to ttc.
if you cannot offer support or advice please go away. i feel rubbish as it is about my situation without people coming on to be no use but nasty.


----------



## Angel_blues

This is the WAITING TO TRY section.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Angel_blues said:


> This is the WAITING TO TRY section.

I am waiting to try!!!


----------



## Angel_blues

Here : https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/trying-to-conceive/

Good luck.


----------



## Iveneverseen

We are not ttc atm.


----------



## loeylo

Angel_blues said:


> Just gonna point this out your posting in the wrong section and for women like me who just had their ttc dates cancelled it is very aggravating to see this type of post.

Wow, that's rude. I felt it was perfectly clear from her post that she isn't yet ttc. 

Your situation is no worse than anyone else's. We should all be able to support each other even if our situations are different. What next, you are offended by me being here because I have already ttc and miscarried?


----------



## Iveneverseen

loeylo said:


> Angel_blues said:
> 
> 
> Just gonna point this out your posting in the wrong section and for women like me who just had their ttc dates cancelled it is very aggravating to see this type of post.
> 
> Wow, that's rude. I felt it was perfectly clear from her post that she isn't yet ttc.
> 
> Your situation is no worse than anyone else's. We should all be able to support each other even if our situations are different. What next, you are offended by me being here because I have already ttc and miscarried?Click to expand...

Thanks Hun.

I came on here for support i am feeling rubbish as it is, and we are not planning on ttc till Autumn, and we may have to abort our plan so i don't appreciate those comments. it is not my fault she has to put it back i have my own problems.


----------



## loeylo

I think ttc is a hugely emotive time and we get so worked up by our own situations sometimes it is hard to see that others are suffering too. I have a friend who is due around about the same time as my due date for my most recent loss (as well as friends with babies who were born around the due dates of my previous losses) and I don't let my sadness detract from their happiness. 

Offence is something which is taken, not given. If you don't like something, don't read it.


----------



## Iveneverseen

It's not like Im bragging i am ttc and she is not. I'm not even ttc I'm not even having sex fgs i may not be able to ttc at all. so hurt and angry by that poster.

Sorry i don't mean to take it out on you.


----------



## Almostmom

I'm so sorry hun, about your situation and the aggressive poster. Maybe it wasn't clear to her because she is already upset, I apologise on her behalf. :flower:

I also think you should seek professional help. My DH is the one who initiates most of time and when we did pre marital counselling we were made to promise and sign a declaration to say we will put each other's needs or wants before our own and it was specific: sex! Whether I feel like it or not I must compromise for his sake and vice versa. 

Another thing you can try is battering for it, rewarding him with the things he needs and thinks are important maybe he'll realise how poorly he has been treating you.
I wish you all the best.:hugs:


----------



## Iveneverseen

The I know counselling is not an option as he doesn't think there is a problem. And both of us wouldn't feel comfortable about talking about intimate things with someone else. Maybe I am being selfish? Maybe I am not putting his wants before mine, if this is all marriage is its so hard and draining. We are not talking.


----------



## Lirpa11

Hi, im really sorry you're going through this, I hope my post didnt come across offensive as I can say I didn't really know this could happen. I've usually heard of women losing sex drives but not men, so I am not aware of this situation.

I know I have read sometimes women can lose interest after a baby or after a few children, and that schedulling sex can help. It sounds boring to schedule sex, but it can help you feel more intimately connected and maybe give your sex life a boost? 

I know your hubby probably doesn't think there's an issue, but could you try to schedule it even one day a week when you know will usually be convenient? Whether it's even a quickie in the shower or something maybe it can boost the sex drive to come back for you two?


----------



## pinklightbulb

Wow, some rude shrews in here, unbelievable! I have swung back and forth from WTT to NTNP while waiting to TTC for real and no sex equals WTT in my book, how the F are you supposed to get pregnant without baby gravy. Wow. 

Anyway, I feel your pain honey bun, OH lies and says we will TTC one month and the next says we're never having more ever, and won't put out at all just to make sure. I've gone from sex once a day at one point, to more than six months without, to only in non-fertile periods, with a couple of accidents in O-ville in between because he has f*cked up that month and not pulled out. (Then cries about me maybe getting pregnant when he agreed to TTC just a couple of months ago anyway.) It's gut-wrenching when you only want one thing and circumstances (or a lying/unwilling/sexless OH) prevents it from happening when they know damn well there's only one way to do it :wacko:

:hugs:


----------



## skycastles

Have you read the WebMD website article on "Loss of Libido in men"?
If you haven't, I highly recommend reading it, and picking a good time to read it together with your OH too. Points in the article like where they encourage more physical affection outside of the bedroom, and also describe how libido loss doesn't happen overnight, really helps to acknowledge the problem in a blame-free manner. It is also easier and less stressful to work out little steps and gestures to improve the physical intimacy, rather than focus on the end goal which is more sex.
I wouldn't think too much about times you don't feel like it when he initiates, but don't withhold intimacy. Make him cuddle instead! :) 
Sorry if none of this relates to your personal circumstances but I hope it works out for you eventually in time to TTC:hugs:


----------



## Iveneverseen

Thanks everyone, it really wears me down. I hate planning it and often when we do it doesn't tend to happen. He doesn't think it's a problem and thinks we could make a effort but it isn't me that is not up for it. He says this but never makes the effort himself. I feel really rubbish I'm 28 don't want to have the sex life of a pensioner. It seems a bit of a taboo subject. He thinks there is no issue and I'm not grateful. If he wants a child but can't make the effort it can't happen. Tonight in bed he was rubbing my tummy I told him to stop, it's like rubbing salt in the wounds, and a bit too intimate considering we may end up ttc at all. We don't usually have any problems with kissing and cuddling but sometimes I wanna reject him like he does me just for him to feel how I do. No doubt I'll be back to not thinking about sex in a few days and it flaring up again in a few months. X


----------



## Iveneverseen

He's asked me to go to the cinema just us tonight, I can get over how he just acts like nothing is wrong. does he really expect me to just be happy with the situ?


----------



## butterbaby

Iveneverseen said:


> butterbaby said:
> 
> 
> It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.
> 
> I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex.
> 
> Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.
> 
> Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?
> 
> Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.
> 
> Thanks Hun. :hugs:
> 
> As far as i am aware he doesn't watch porn, that is what he tells me and he say's he wouldn't wanna watch it unless i did with him. he doesn't get exited about it like he would when he was single.
> 
> It hasn't always been like this it was once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month now once every 5-6 weeks. but we have went 2 months without.
> 
> I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him, but he just says he is tired, sore ect he suffers ibs but was like this before then.
> 
> We have had this problem for years, we have got 3 kids (2 together) but it's just got worse and worse. i just don't think he really cares about my needs at all.
> 
> I just tend to try forget about it now, the odd time it will upset me. i vow to reject him next time like he does me, but he rarely initiates it, and when he does i give in and i hate myself for that.
> as when he rarely does want to i always give him it.
> 
> last night he was watching a programme with a sex schene on (he watches a few programmes with frequent sex schenes in) and i just got upset and went to bed.
> 
> he say's he wants another child, but if he has trouble putting out now, how is he gonna manage when it comes to it.
> 
> I just wanna spend the night in my room away from him it upsets me. i dont get like this on regular occurrence, just once every few months then i get over it again.Click to expand...

It sounds like there's a few things going on here that you both need to communicate about or get help with. I have not been in your shoes but it doesn't seem healthy to want to with hold sex out of resentment. It's also doesn't seem right that he would say he wants a child yet makes no effort. I know you said you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing intimate stuff with another person but it doesn't sound like you guys are getting to the root issues. I could be totally wrong but that's just my outsider view. 

Also if he does suffer physical ailments that decrease his sex drive (this was an issue for me for a long time - major IBS) you should talk to him about trying to find ways to make him feel better, whether it's medical treatment or lifestyle changes. 

I hope you guys can sort things out!


----------



## Iveneverseen

butterbaby said:


> Iveneverseen said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> butterbaby said:
> 
> 
> It makes me so sad to read this because it's obvious you're hurting. Is there any way you two could meet with a counselor of some sort? If you have talked about this many times and he's not willing to compromise a bit then maybe you need a third party to help you guys work through this.
> 
> I hate to bring up a sensitive topic but do you know if he uses porn at all? This can really do serious damage to some men and affect their ability and interest in real sex.
> 
> Is there any possible medical reason for this? Maybe he has low testosterone, it's worth getting a check up and asking him to mention his low libido. I know men hate going to the doc, I have to force my DH to go.
> 
> Has your frequency of sex always been like this or is this a more recent change?
> 
> Sorry for so many questions but I just like to help if I can.
> 
> Thanks Hun. :hugs:
> 
> As far as i am aware he doesn't watch porn, that is what he tells me and he say's he wouldn't wanna watch it unless i did with him. he doesn't get exited about it like he would when he was single.
> 
> It hasn't always been like this it was once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month now once every 5-6 weeks. but we have went 2 months without.
> 
> I'm not sure if there is something wrong with him, but he just says he is tired, sore ect he suffers ibs but was like this before then.
> 
> We have had this problem for years, we have got 3 kids (2 together) but it's just got worse and worse. i just don't think he really cares about my needs at all.
> 
> I just tend to try forget about it now, the odd time it will upset me. i vow to reject him next time like he does me, but he rarely initiates it, and when he does i give in and i hate myself for that.
> as when he rarely does want to i always give him it.
> 
> last night he was watching a programme with a sex schene on (he watches a few programmes with frequent sex schenes in) and i just got upset and went to bed.
> 
> he say's he wants another child, but if he has trouble putting out now, how is he gonna manage when it comes to it.
> 
> I just wanna spend the night in my room away from him it upsets me. i dont get like this on regular occurrence, just once every few months then i get over it again.Click to expand...
> 
> It sounds like there's a few things going on here that you both need to communicate about or get help with. I have not been in your shoes but it doesn't seem healthy to want to with hold sex out of resentment. It's also doesn't seem right that he would say he wants a child yet makes no effort. I know you said you wouldn't feel comfortable discussing intimate stuff with another person but it doesn't sound like you guys are getting to the root issues. I could be totally wrong but that's just my outsider view.
> 
> Also if he does suffer physical ailments that decrease his sex drive (this was an issue for me for a long time - major IBS) you should talk to him about trying to find ways to make him feel better, whether it's medical treatment or lifestyle changes.
> 
> I hope you guys can sort things out!Click to expand...

I have never withheld sex ever, but i feel used when i give in.
It's not fair i don't get sex when i want it but he does.

he had this problem way before he got ibs.

I just don't know weather to just accept this is how it is going to be and move on, i don't know how to though.


----------



## jtr2803

You need to decide if you are just having a vent here because its just that time again or whether you see this as such a genuinely large fundamental problem in your relationship that you would leave?

Most people think its just a problem that can be 'fixed' and there is clearly a reason for the lack of sex drive but sometimes there just isn't. We are all made differently and we are who we are.

I decided before we got married that there was so much right in my relationship that I would accept my husband as he is (just like he accepted me with my quirks) and love him regardless. If he wasn't affectionate it might be a different story but he is and I know he loves me, that desire part of his brain is just lacking and always has been.

Yes, I get frustrated at times but I trust him that if/when our time to TTC comes, he will be on the right page there with me so I refuse to worry about it any more. There are many that can't live in that type of relationship so no one would think you were wrong if you decided it was too much to cope with. 

Hugs, I know it sucks sometimes x


----------



## Symphony7

jtr2803 said:


> You need to decide if you are just having a vent here because its just that time again or whether you see this as such a genuinely large fundamental problem in your relationship that you would leave?
> 
> *Most people think its just a problem that can be 'fixed' and there is clearly a reason for the lack of sex drive but sometimes there just isn't. We are all made differently and we are who we are.*
> 
> I decided before we got married that there was so much right in my relationship that I would accept my husband as he is (just like he accepted me with my quirks) and love him regardless. If he wasn't affectionate it might be a different story but he is and I know he loves me, that desire part of his brain is just lacking and always has been.
> 
> Yes, I get frustrated at times but I trust him that if/when our time to TTC comes, he will be on the right page there with me so I refuse to worry about it any more. There are many that can't live in that type of relationship so no one would think you were wrong if you decided it was too much to cope with.
> 
> Hugs, I know it sucks sometimes x

The bolded part. Sometimes it's important to realize that a person just naturally can have a lower sex drive. I would definitely see both a doctor and a counsellor in you position, but his lack of desire might just be normal for him. I know I had only a moderate sex drive when I met my husband, and it has declined in kind of the same manner as your husband in the last four years. Doesn't mean I don't love him, sometimes sex is just so exhausting on top of everything else and I have to force myself to do it. Once I get started I'm always happy to have it, it's just the getting started part. 

Maybe that is something to try with him? Spend some time just doing the foreplay part with the knowledge that either of you could say that's plenty for the night. And keep trying that, it might not always end in sex but it's easier to get started from there if there's not so much pressure. So, for example , ask him if he'd be willing to just make out for a bit and see where it goes from there. It takes less energy to do that than know you are going to go for a full blown session. And that might be some of his problem, coming up with the energy. Once he gets going, if he's feeling good, he should want to continue.


----------



## Iveneverseen

I have offered the foreplay but he has declined many times, and it hasn't always been once every 6 weeks. i personally find it wrong to deny your spouce of sex and have them feeling like this. i would never deny anything and if i was doing anything to make him unhappy i would change it. I am 28 so don't want to have such an non existent sex life.

I would never in a million years leave my marriage for lack of sex i have really strong views on marriage so it's unlikely i would leave him and break up our family for that reason.

However you cannot deny someone of something so important and expect them to be fine and happy about it, it comes with consequences.

He said tonight he gets broody and wants another child but the ball is in his court, he needs to make that happen. If he doesn't sort out this problem there wont be another child i think i have put up with it long enough.

But we need to realise that what we do or what we don't do his consequences. 
You can only reject someone so long before they start to reject you back!


----------



## Iveneverseen

Well I Had a chat with my Husband a couple of nights ago.
I told him how it makes me feel (again) and that if it would make him happy we will just not bother with sex or another child.

He said it wouldn't make him happy, (confusing right?)
he said he REALLY want's another baby, he saw a little baby the other day. and he got broody. he says he wants to try in September. and we will have sex more often (he has said that before)

So i guess we will see. It has now been 5 weeks since we last dtd so :wacko: we will see, he has said this about the sex before so i'm not getting over exited about the prospect of more sex till he lives up to the bargain. Lol

thank you all for the support. xx


----------



## fairyy

Hi. I can very much feel your situation. I had been there. We started NTNP in January 2013. I was kind of TTC. I used opk secretly and tried to get my man in the mood. But I failed many times. Few times we did but no BFP. He was not completely ready to be a daddy and kept pushing the TTC date further and further. 

His sex drive is also not very high. I had to initiate and very often rejected. I explained how it feels but no improvement. Then really I got pissed and stopped initiating and now what I am noticing is that he is the one who is initiating more often. We haven't got a positive HPT yet. We are planning to actively TTC from May/June. I hope that goes well. He is now totally ready to be a daddy and now I can really feel that he wants to try. 

My suggestion stop initiating for few days and see what happens. It didn't work for me in first try. We used to go two weeks without sex if I don't initiate and then I had to initiate. But eventually he stepped up and I stepped down vice versa. 

You can try opk and have sex on positive days. That's only two/three days of sex. Try that. I wish you get pregnant soon. Loads of love and goos wishes.


----------



## Iveneverseen

fairyy said:


> Hi. I can very much feel your situation. I had been there. We started NTNP in January 2013. I was kind of TTC. I used opk secretly and tried to get my man in the mood. But I failed many times. Few times we did but no BFP. He was not completely ready to be a daddy and kept pushing the TTC date further and further.
> 
> His sex drive is also not very high. I had to initiate and very often rejected. I explained how it feels but no improvement. Then really I got pissed and stopped initiating and now what I am noticing is that he is the one who is initiating more often. We haven't got a positive HPT yet. We are planning to actively TTC from May/June. I hope that goes well. He is now totally ready to be a daddy and now I can really feel that he wants to try.
> 
> My suggestion stop initiating for few days and see what happens. It didn't work for me in first try. We used to go two weeks without sex if I don't initiate and then I had to initiate. But eventually he stepped up and I stepped down vice versa.
> 
> You can try opk and have sex on positive days. That's only two/three days of sex. Try that. I wish you get pregnant soon. Loads of love and goos wishes.

I'm not worried about him not being ready as we already have kids and he told me he really wanted to try this year. (see post above)

I don't initiate it now, maybe once every 6 weeks of no sex.:haha:

I know when I'm ovulating, but i am more worried of him acting putting out 2,3 times a week when we are ttc when atm it's once every 6weeks.

Thank you for your best wishes and support xx


----------



## Iveneverseen

Well Today I went for my Cervical smear test, it wasn't my first one but i was REALLY nervous. I got there and the nurse proceeds to tell them there will be a trainee doctor in the room and she will be carrying out the test with her there. (great 2 people)

she then asks what contraception i used.....(started feeling even worse now) i said nothing. she asks oh as in ttc? i said no as it not having sex.
she then asks when my youngest was born????

and then they get on with the test and start discussing my cervix ( i really dont wanna hear about my cervix)

When i left i felt embarrassed, it went fine. but the questions about the contraception and if i was trying did it. i thought it's been nearly 8 weeks since we last dtd and i cant see it happening anytime in the next couple weeks (by then 10-11-12 weeks??)

I told my husband i felt embarrassed his reaction ignore me or tell me to be quiet. i have to go through this embarrassment because of him?? he doesnt see how much and many things it affects me and my mood.

3.5 years ago when i got it done i was ttc, Now we are going 2 months each time without.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Am I seriously the only person on this thread with this problem??


----------



## Earthylove

wow i'm really sorry about this. I agree with the others who said there needs to be some kind of third party intervention like a doctor and/or counselor. A doctor to rule out any physical problems (if you go and get your physicals done, there is no reason why he can't too) and a counselor to address the relationship. 

It's interesting that he says says there isn't a problem because this isn't a question of whether or not there is a problem. _there is one_ because you're hurting. It is not up to him to determine if there is a problem or not. if left unchecked, pain and resentment can destroy a relationship and that's a problem. feeling pain and rejection is a problem.

I get what you mean about wanting to deny or reject him next time he initiates something you crave. I've tried that with my DH before and it sucks because it doesn't work and I'm the one who ends up hurting, not him! this only makes things worse. I really feel like counseling is the way to go here.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Earthylove is your husband the same?

I am really against the counsellor and don't feel it right to be talking about our marriage with some stranger, plus talking never works with him.

I don't know what to do but i can't help feel all these bad things towords him i don't want to but it's his actions that cause me to feel like that.

Tonight me & him went food shopping and a friend was babysitting. we were talking as normal but felt uncomfortable when he wanted to hold my hand. he then put his hand on my leg on the bus and it made me feel physically sick, i started moving around and staring out of the window but he asked what was wrong i said nothing as i continued to stare out the window.

Can't help but feel uncomfortable and sick about today.

Tomorrow is valentines day and he got a big box of chocs delivered to the house which i wasn't expecting i dont really know what to do.

we are supposed to move house next week and i looked forword to it new house and our future now im thinking future of what more of THIS!!!

I just don't want to get close to him and can't help but not want to cuddle hold his hand or kiss him, i guess when you have been sexually rejected for years maybe you put up a barrier or feel different without trying??


----------



## AJCash

You're talking to strangers about it now. If you were in a counselor with your sweetheart, at least you'd BOTH be able to talk about it and with someone who has the education, training, and experience to help you guys move forward.

As someone who has been in your husband's shoes, I can tell you that the more frustrated my husband got about my lack of interest, the less interested I felt. Nothing he did made me -more- interested in sex, but fighting about it sure turned me off even more. I can't speak as to whether your husband would feel the same way or not, but that's exactly the sort of thing you two could be working out in counseling.

My husband wouldn't go to counseling either..... and it took about two years for me to work through it on my own and there's still issues that probably won't ever be worked out because it sure seems like he just expected me to do all the work by myself and I resent the heck out of that. I can't say what made me come back around in the end - I just swallowed the resentment at the time, did it anyway, and have had a more open conversation with my spouse about why I think our sex life was and still often is lousy. It was a super painful conversation that I really wish I'd never had to have, but it had to happen. I think a counselor could have guided us through that conversation with a bit less misery and I'm still a bit sore when I think about how he dug his heels in and refused to go to a counselor and made it all on my shoulders to fix everything. Every time we ever fight about anything, it comes up. Still.

Obviously, everybody's situation is different, but I hope I've at least offered some support for agreeing with the others that you should go to counseling. 

Really, we're just totally untrained strangers here who you're baring your soul to already. Might as well take advantage of a stranger with a degree over the peanut gallery.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Why did you want to go to counselling and why were you resentful if all the cards where in your hands?

We are both really against counselling i don't see it helping at all.

I guess if you push someone away you have to be pushed for one day for them to do the same.

It is his problem as he is the one that refuses to put out well he only has himself to blame when i don't want to kiss or cuddle him. and he will need to forget having another child, as he is the only one preventing that from happening.

also i barely mention it at all now, sorry but i just really find to drag someone into a marriage and deprive them of important needs is very selfish. 

Hubby doesn't like when i push him away now, welcome to my world but ive dealt with it a hell of a lot longer. 

I just don't know what the mind games are about with going on about having another baby.


----------



## MissMcCoy

In all honesty it sounds like he is trying. Before working on the sexual part of your marriage you have to work on you two first. It really sounds like he is trying. 
Show him that you appreciate him. His touch, his cuddling, his valentines gifts. The closeness and togetherness will lead you in the right direction. ;)

I think maybe you guys should hold off on trying for more babies when you've got so much conflict going on between you. 

Seeing a councillor is not sharing personal matters with a stranger. Its getting marriage help from a professional. 
Its a tool you can use to fix your marriage, should you decide that your marriage is important enough to fix.


----------



## Iveneverseen

Miss maccoy our marriage is fine thanks you cannot comment on.our marriage when you don't know about it. The only thing I've complained about is the sex nothing else our marriage is good thanks we wouldn't be together ten years if it wasn't. We will have another if he makes the effort. 

Not sure how you think he is trying. Thanks for those who have been supportive.


----------



## MissMcCoy

Take the advice you want to take and leave what you don't... Public forum with people around the world offering their thoughts. There is bound to be differing information. 
Just offering my own thoughts on the situation.

Hope you have a good love day! :)


----------



## Iveneverseen

Yes I appreciate the support. But what i don't appreciate is people telling me There is a lot of conflict in my marriage and we should not have another child.

I'm sorry but you don't know anything about us, or our marriage. i have not complained about my marriage or said anything else other than the sex issue, so i'm not sure where you get there is a lot of conflict. I'm sure your relationship is not perfect, but i'm not about tocomment and tell you not to have children.

Thanks to those who gave advice, we will see what happens and for the record my Husband REALLY wants to have another child but i guess that is up to him to make that happen. 

thanks all i think valentines is a load of bull! Lol


----------



## kksy9b

Honestly, you are coming off pretty hostile, and I'm sure it stems from your frustration with the situation. You asked for advice and miss mccoy was just trying to offer her perspective on the situation. No harm or judgement was meant.

In the end, the only thing that will fix things is you and your husband having an open honest conversation about it. Not just a "we need to have more sex" but "why is it such a struggle for us to connect physically." You both need to sit down and be very introspective about yourself. There is a disconnect somewhere that, once discovered, can hopefully start to work towards fixing it. Start small- is there someone that can watch your children for an hour or two? Sit down and cook dinner and just talk. Maybe next time cuddle together watching a movie etc. You have to build back up to a healthy physical relationship, but that can't happen until all of the resentment is gone and your husband (and you) have worked through whatever is killing the sex drive. 

My husband and I have gone through patches throughout our 11 year relationship where he has more of a drive and I don't and visa versa. It is hard. It can be painful and tiring to be rejected time and time again. We decided in the end that no matter what, once a week we will be intimate with each other. No matter how tired or stressed or anything. Once a week is what we committed. And over time we found that being intimate helped us communicate better with each other because we could be more relaxed and felt more in tune with each other. In general made things much easier between us.Eventually, it became less of a "chore" and was fun again.

I hope you are able to find the help that you are looking for. There is no quick and easy fix. And at this point, it is not all on him as you talk about how you have (essentially) given up. I know how hard and frustrating it can be... I have been there. But your husband needs help as well, though he may not really realize it, and it falls under one of your duties as his wife to try everything to help... even if that means being uncomfortable in counseling or whatever it calls for. It is not all on you- he needs to take ownership of his issues and face them head on. But it is unfair to leave him to deal with it on his own as well.

I hope you are able to work though everything and be happier with him in the end :flower:


----------



## Iveneverseen

How does it come accross as hostile because we are not having sex? as i said noone can comment as they don't know what your relationship outside of sex is like.

and i'm not sure what you expect me to do if he doesn't have the drive. we have spoke about it time and time again and what will be will be.

and neither of us have the desire to speak to someone about it. 

It's only sex it's hardly like our whole relationship is suffering. i am getting used to it and have my own way of dealing with it. 

you don't need sex!! doesn't make your marriage hostile.

Our marriage is actually great, we get on great and are happy. it's just the sex thing that Was an issue that is it.


----------



## Iveneverseen

as i said no one has a perfect relationship with no problems, that doesn't exist!

My husband made a suggestion for sex tonight, but i was happy to leave it for now :D
I am getting better at this ;-)


----------



## kksy9b

I meant hostile towards the poster, not in your marriage.

And it is about finding the root cause of the issue with the sex drive. He may not really realize what it is but it is clearly affecting both of you deeply. Just having more sex is like putting a bandaid on the wound instead of healing it, if that makes sense. Maybe your DH feels insecure about something or embarrassed/shy etc. Maybe he is really stressed about something in another area and doesn't realize it and is affecting his drive. Talking and talking and talking some more is what will lead to a breakthrough and help you reconnect emotionally, which will help you reconnect physically. 

In any case, I wish you the best and hope you all are able to sort it all out


----------



## Iveneverseen

Thanks he just has a low sex drive. But I'm thinking I will get a low sex drive too as they say the less you have it the less you want it. In that case it will benefit things.


----------



## Earthylove

wow, Iveneversen. It sounds like you are much more at peace about the situation than you were a while back in your previous posts! glad to see you're having a positive outlook on your marriage. Hope things work out for you guys


----------



## Iveneverseen

Thanks I unfortunately gave into temptation last night and dtd, bit disappointed with myself. I.guess the down side to not dtd is no more babies but I guess we will have to see how things go. He is adamant we should have another we will see how it goes that's sex for the next two months lol x


----------



## itsnowmyturn

I was the same, I can go months without sex, we probably dtd once a week when ttc sometimes an extra one if o was coming up. The cycle we caught I think we only dtd once and it was 4 days before o. When I was pregnant we only dtd twice and haven't yet since I gave birth so in 11 months we've dtd twice but it doesn't mean u can't ttc, for us it's time, tiredness and my lack of sexual iinterest but if it's for baby making I was up for it lol.
Mine probably stems from having very painful sex for years for one reason or another


----------



## stellababy

sorry you are going through this hunny. i think i have a bigger sex drive then my hubby and have had a lot of negative feelings about it. at one point we were only doing it about once a month. 

however, he started a fitness routine and lost 30 pounds. and i lost 15 pounds too which made me feel more sexy and just better. this really helped him in many ways and now our sex life is back on track. now he goes to the gym almost every night, and although we spend less time together in general, i encourage him to keep going.

i just wanted to post to say there is light at the end of the tunnel out of this situation, better talk to the hubby and get the point why this is happening. life is too short to be unhappy sex is important

good luck with everything hope things look up


----------



## stellababy

by the way, i got pregnant with my son, and with another pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage by doing it once a month


----------



## Rhi_Rhi1

I just wanted to say... my oh doesn't seem to have this problem. However I do. 
I am really not fussed by sex in the slightest, It obviously doesn't do for me what it does for other people ? I Like it when i'm doing it but then i forget about it... I could never have it again and i wouldn't feel any different. I feel for my hubby because he has long since given up trying :( I don't do it on purpose though. I feel it's hard to remember to do something that you don't have any desire to do... I only ever want to DTD when TTC. When i got pregnant with my youngest we literally didn't have sex again until after I gave birth.. So from conception until around 4 months after birth we hadn't had sex.. I had to actually sit and think about it to even realise what I had done. It just hadn't even occurred to me that we hadn't been having sex.


----------



## Sakura15

This is a good discussion to have - thanks, ladies. My OH has a much lower sex drive than I do. He chalks it up to being 8 years older, but I'm not entirely convinced. Whatever the reason, we have definitely had our tense times because of it. I have adjusted by being more open to the other ways he communicates his love and the other ways we connect intimately but it has been HARD. (Ha! No pun intended.)

He is more likely to want to dtd if he initiates, so I have almost completely laid off initiating, although I do entice :blush: I was worried we'd never dtd at all, but that hasn't been the case. Now I can expect at least once a week, where before we could go 3 to 4 weeks with me constantly being rejected all inbetween. Since he has seen me really making an effort to adjust to suit his needs, he has also tried to meet me halfway. Now he really wants me to let him know when I'm *ahem* in great need, and he is willing to do what it takes to 'get in the mood'.

All that said, I AM worried about what it will be like when we are TTC. Things like the SPEM? Sex every other day, and then every day around ovulation?? I just don't see it happening :nope: I also worry that he will feel pressured to perform and psych himself out. I may be able to play the 'in great need' card twice in a given month but beyond that, I really won't be able to control how often we dtd. I'm just hoping that we can continue to build our intimacy in the meantime, and that we are in a great place come August. Also getting some new lingerie :winkwink:


----------



## babysquash

We have the same problem. My husband has a very low sex drive. He didn't when we first met but he has been slowly becoming less and less interested in sex over the years. He has issues with low testosterone and has a bad back so sex can be painful for him. He's also very overweight because of his back. It's been very hard for me to accept this and to separate his feelings for me from his desire to have sex. I still struggle with it especially when I hear from friends that their husbands and boyfriends can't keep their hands off them. We haven't started TTC yet but we know this will be a struggle and we've spent some time talking about it and know we need to do more. I don't have advice for anyone else but here is what we are doing:

-We're talking about it all the time and not treating it like it's the white elephant in the room. But at the same time we aren't talking about it like it's some failing on his part. He also has ADHD and when we talk about that, we refer to it as "Andy" as in, it's not my husband that is causing a problem, it's his disorder. It helps us to separate the two so that he doesn't feel terrible about not wanting to have sex and I feel less like it's not my fault if I remember it's his low testosterone and not his feelings for me. We are also otherwise happily married.

-We have gone to counseling for other things too and we'd both be open to it again if necessary. I know not everyone is open to this but I've been astounded at how many things came out during counseling that we had no idea was going on. So even though, nothing was wrong with our relationship, having someone else to mediate made us better communicators.

-Since our issues are partially health related, we are both working on our diets and I'm exercising more. He is going to see an endocrinologist to talk about his testosterone and see if there is anything they can do. 

So that's us. Sometimes it's really hard to be the one in the relationship who has the higher sex drive but I try to remember why (and that it's not about me) and I try to initiate when I can and try to be patient with him. We will sometimes just plan nights where we cuddle with no tv and usually that naturally progresses toward sex.


----------

