# OH's and Their Reactions?



## Poloma

Can I ask you a question??

As some of you know Noah is/has been having assessments due to his speech and social communication problems. He also attends a special needs nursery (as well as reg nursery)

I have come to accept (even though we have no official diagnosis) that he may well be on the spectrum and that he does need special help in certain area's etc

My question is about your OH's

Did they find it hard to accept that their child has problems?

Dp has just come home from picking Noah up from his afternoon session at the specialist nursery, he told me he was offered a book by one of the staff members which had tips/exercises for you to do at home with your child. He flatly refused it and seems to be so against them judging Noah and treating him as Autistic.

Im just so worried now that if we do get the ASD diagnosis that he isnt going to accept it. He has said in the past that he doesnt like children being "Labelled" at such a young age. I fear he is going to think I pushed Noah into this situation ie being assesed etc

Im feeling really lost now, anyone have similar with their OH?


----------



## Emmea12uk

My Oh is just the same. I wanted to buy sensory toys for him and Oh said he didnt need them, there is nothing wrong with him. I said there is nothing wrong with extra stimulation even if there is nothing wrong.

Since his birth he has always second guessed the doctors, even down to not bothering with his meds and catheters because he doesnt believe anything is actually wrong. Even when i was pregnant he would tell me to stop worrying because everything was going to be ok...

I dont know if it is optimism or denial, but the more time passes by, the more i think it is denial.

Maybe it is macho ego thing?


----------



## Poloma

Emmea12uk said:


> My Oh is just the same. I wanted to buy sensory toys for him and Oh said he didnt need them, there is nothing wrong with him. I said there is nothing wrong with extra stimulation even if there is nothing wrong.
> 
> Since his birth he has always second guessed the doctors, even down to not bothering with his meds and catheters because he doesnt believe anything is actually wrong. Even when i was pregnant he would tell me to stop worrying because everything was going to be ok...
> 
> I dont know if it is optimism or denial, but the more time passes by, the more i think it is denial.
> 
> *Maybe it is macho ego thing*?

Thats what Im thinking too, sort of they cant/wont accept the fact that they have "made" a child that has problems, if that makes sense?

Fingers crossed they both come to their senses and realise its better to treat then ignore these things (more so in your lil ones case) 

:hugs:


----------



## Emmea12uk

yes fingers crossed. Sometime i feel like i am bashing my head against the brick wall!!


----------



## JASMAK

My husband had a hard time with it all. He would be at work while the Child Development Centre would come in and do their assessments. I was the one who had to tell my husband all the bad news when he got home from work each night. Things like "your child is not normal". It would break his heart and I think at times he thought I was exaggerating it to him. Thankfully, he was there for the Behaviour Assessment with the neuro-psychologist, and the pediatric assessments, as well as one speech path assessment. I think that he believed it more when he heard it all from someone else, a proffessional too. I was glad too, as I hated that he would be so upset each day that he got home. It was a hard time for sure. Very hard time. But, it does get easier. After the diagnosis we got the tools and support that we needed. We could join support groups finally, because we "belonged". So, there was definitly that sense of relief too. I think that the more that OH can be there for those assessments, the better. Then, just remember that everyone grieves (and that is what it is) in their own way. :hug:


----------



## claralouise

i broke up with Louis dad as he couldnt handle the fact he was born prem and had a few probs then, im glad a way we split then instead of when the big problems started, he found me on facebook a few weeks ago first time weve spoke in 8yrs and it will be the last, i told him how louis was and all his conditions and he basically said no way on earth he fathered Louis as he doesnt have mental problems in his family, the arsehole louis doesnt have bloody mental problems. The only reason he got in touch is because the csa have found him and landed a £9000 bill on him and he wants me to tell them to drop it hahaha REVENGE

its so a denial thing with men. 
my OH completely treats him as his own child tho even tho they sometimes clash when louis is in his moods i dont think he has quite realised that a child with adhd will not drop out of a fight when hes in that mood lol, 
he being tested for the spectrum aswel for aspergers which is why i dont have him on meds plus i dont want him zombified. 
but Louis was refused to be seen by cams until he was 7yrs old as the dont like an early diagnosis, he did however after getting a statement of special educational needs go to a specialist speach and language school full time for 2 yrs his speech has come on wonders, i no longer have to translate for him the bad thing they did tho was teach him to sign as when he doesnt want to communicate he signs and then gets frustrated when people dont know sign.

if he cannot go to any assments can you not get the doc or nurse to write down roughly what they have explained to you so you can give to OH or get them to send you copies of their evaluations.

Louis did have his statement by noahs age tho, maybe speak to the senco at the school where noahs nursery is to see if they think he needs to have one, that could make it more real aswel.


----------



## Emmea12uk

JASMAK said:


> My husband had a hard time with it all. He would be at work while the Child Development Centre would come in and do their assessments. I was the one who had to tell my husband all the bad news when he got home from work each night. Things like "your child is not normal". It would break his heart and I think at times he thought I was exaggerating it to him. Thankfully, he was there for the Behaviour Assessment with the neuro-psychologist, and the pediatric assessments, as well as one speech path assessment. I think that he believed it more when he heard it all from someone else, a proffessional too. I was glad too, as I hated that he would be so upset each day that he got home. It was a hard time for sure. Very hard time. But, it does get easier. After the diagnosis we got the tools and support that we needed. We could join support groups finally, because we "belonged". So, there was definitly that sense of relief too. I think that the more that OH can be there for those assessments, the better. Then, just remember that everyone grieves (and that is what it is) in their own way. :hug:

I think you are right, my oh way away at sea whilst all tom's assesments were being done, so i think he thinks i am exaggerating and being neuroric too.


----------



## ALI

Hi Claralouise , Speaking as an OH please don't tar us all with the same brush. 

Having a premmie is the most stressfull emotional roller coaster imaginable and does not stop when the little one comes home. It has not been easy and 18 months later still isn't, ( i feel I have aged 10 years and have gone grey at the sides since her birth) but myself and my partner have coped by sticking together as we are a family 
and I will give my two ladies all the support they need. I do not see my daughter as a problem child and had to spend much time convincing my OH that the premature birth was not her fault, it just happened.

Our little one had brain meningitis at two days old and has two areas of cysts as a result, the doctors gave her a about a 1% chance for the first 9 weeks but she pulled through. She had ROP (eyes ), PDA (heart) , Water on the brain but recovered from all of them but we thought our world had fallen apart for a while but we stuck together .

She goes to Physio (she is very delayed and has movement issues which physio may resolve), speech Therapy, Occupational therapy etc and we recently had an Asian Doctor tell us we must be aware our baby will never be normal because of her prematurity . We have also just been told she has very mild cerebal palsy but whatever problems she has and may have I don't care as everytime i hold her or she smiles at us we just melt and i am so proud of my little princess (and her mum) .

she has been in hospital twice since December and given us scares but is doing very well again. 

We will face the future together as a family and be proud of her whatever.


----------



## Deb&Matilda

Sorry cant help im doing this alone xx matilda dad f**ked off before I found out she was poorly xxx


----------



## Tegans Mama

My OH has been supportive from the start - she was sat with me when Tegan was diagnosed, has never missed a single appointment with any of her doctors and knows as well as I do how to give meds/do physio and catheterisation. The only thing she refuses to do is suppositories but I don't like doing them either lol. 

I think the fact that she has been with me every single step of the way is part of why she's so understanding. She went through all the pain with me when we first found out, she was in the room when I had my MRI to check on Tegan.. she held my hand when Tegan was born, she was the first person to hold her, the first person to visit her after her op, the first person (other than a nurse) to change her nappy.. I wouldn't cope without her and I know that for a fact. to sum it up = my OH is more than I could ask, she's amazing.


----------



## Emmea12uk

I dont think the point here was how OH's have coped or what they have, but more their emotional response, such a disbelief. 

They can be supportive etc, but still not necessary 100% accept the problem.


----------



## ALI

"I dont think the point here was how OH's have coped or what they have, but more their emotional response, such a disbelief. 
They can be supportive etc, but still not necessary 100% accept the problem."

Sorry but I have to disagree , the problem has been OH's not being supportive because they will not or cannot accept the problem, you have to accept the problem in order to be supportive. If I had refused to accept half the problems our little one has had, including the mild cerebal palsy , I would not have been able to give wife the support she needed. 

If you have a premmie you cannot talk about percentages of accepting the problem and/ or disbelief, you either accept it or you don't and you cannot give your wife the full support she needs unless you are accept the problems 100% and are totally supportive of her.

Being the parent of a premmie is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, let alone one with problems , and if i had not fully accepted them we would probably have fallen apart. I do not believe there is any middle ground . It not about belief or disbelief it is about either accepting any problems faced by your premmie and taking the responsibility of dealing with them whatever the outcome, or refusing to accept them and running away .

So how OH's have coped when faced with problems is relevant as it is not so much a question of belief or disbelief but accepting it , it is about the struggle anyone faces coming to terms with a baby not only born early but with issues.


----------



## JASMAK

ALI said:


> "I dont think the point here was how OH's have coped or what they have, but more their emotional response, such a disbelief.
> They can be supportive etc, but still not necessary 100% accept the problem."
> 
> Sorry but I have to disagree , the problem has been OH's not being supportive because they will not or cannot accept the problem, you have to accept the problem in order to be supportive. If I had refused to accept half the problems our little one has had, including the mild cerebal palsy , I would not have been able to give wife the support she needed.
> 
> If you have a premmie you cannot talk about percentages of accepting the problem and/ or disbelief, you either accept it or you don't and you cannot give your wife the full support she needs unless you are accept the problems 100% and are totally supportive of her.
> 
> Being the parent of a premmie is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, let alone one with problems , and if i had not fully accepted them we would probably have fallen apart. I do not believe there is any middle ground . It not about belief or disbelief it is about either accepting any problems faced by your premmie and taking the responsibility of dealing with them whatever the outcome, or refusing to accept them and running away .
> 
> So how OH's have coped when faced with problems is relevant as it is not so much a question of belief or disbelief but accepting it , it is about the struggle anyone faces coming to terms with a baby not only born early but with issues.


I disagree. I am not 100% accepting of Makena's issues and often think she is misdiagnosed, but I am more than 100% there for her.


----------



## ALI

I disagree. I am not 100% accepting of Makena's issues and often think she is misdiagnosed, but I am more than 100% there for her.[/QUOTE]

Hiya, I probably did not make my point very well. 
I not speaking about the Mothers point of view but the OH or father's.

As a father/OH I am trying to make the point that I accept our little one may have issues/problems but in accepting that I can be fully supportive of my woman.

This is not about whether they may be misdiagnosed or not but about being supportive by accepting there may be and dealing with potential problems. Our little ones Doctor and Physio both disagree as to what form of mild cerebral palsy she has and cannot be 100% it is the correct diagnosis but we have to accept there are problems, whatever they may be, and they could be very minor.


----------



## Tegans Mama

Emmea12uk said:


> I dont think the point here was how OH's have coped or what they have, but more their emotional response, such a disbelief.
> 
> They can be supportive etc, but still not necessary 100% accept the problem.

:dohh: I'm not trying to cause trouble by saying this but should I have kept my mouth shut then? Coping is an emotional response, if they don't cope, their emotional response is therefore negative.. You could say that by not coping they are henceforth not accepting the problem. How can a person not accept a problem but still stand there and do everything that needs to be done? IMO if OH hadn't accepted it she wouldn't do everything she does, she'd think it was unnecessary and would try to deny the fact that our child has problems.

Anyway.. nevermind lol.


----------



## Poloma

OMG guys I didnt post this to start an argument!
I know its a sensitive subject where our lo's are concerned. 
I was merley looking for some advice/perspective. 
Were all different and each families situation is too. 

Dp is supportive (in his own way) I know that he is aware that our son has some problems and he does try to help. He has taken Noah to several appointments when work allowed (often struggles to get time off as boss is an idiot)
Its just that he resents the fact that sometime soon Noah will be diagnosed and in his words "labelled" and gets very defensive if anyone comments on his behaviour etc...
He loves his son just as he is and doesnt want him to be treated like he's not "normal" we all know how cruel kids can be. With Noah soon to be starting school it worries me too.
Sorry Im rambling now, not much sleep last night as Noah was up from 10pm till 4am very upset but sadly couldnt tell me what was wrong. Its things like that which break my heart. I cant help him if I dont know whats upset him, so it was a very long night indeed (and I was home alone with the 3 kids)


----------



## Emmea12uk

My OH has been amazing. he has does everything he can and has been there for me and Tom. But his reaction has been that I am over-reacting, that I am pessamistic, that i see things wrong that arent there - once or twice this has been over things that are diagnosed. He will second guess doctors, tell me they are wrong and that he knows there is nothing wrong. But he wont do anything about his feelings.

This is primarily because he wasnt here when the diagnoses were made, and secondly because he sees a near perfect son and can't quite accept that he isnt perfect, or even look into the future to see how the problems will grow.

I cannot fault the way he has looked after us, or his love for his son. he does all the morning feeds and lets me lay in everyday. he looks after tom whenever i ask. He does 50% of all nappy changes and catheters and 99% of all the housework.

It isnt what he does, or his attiutude really - it is just a vibe i get from him sometimes - nothing major, it is a blink an you'll miss it kind of thing.


----------



## Emmea12uk

hr.lr.07 said:


> :dohh: I'm not trying to cause trouble by saying this but should I have kept my mouth shut then? Coping is an emotional response, if they don't cope, their emotional response is therefore negative.. You could say that by not coping they are henceforth not accepting the problem. How can a person not accept a problem but still stand there and do everything that needs to be done? IMO if OH hadn't accepted it she wouldn't do everything she does, she'd think it was unnecessary and would try to deny the fact that our child has problems.
> 
> Anyway.. nevermind lol.

:argh: Dont quote me!! :)

Lea - No one should ever keep their mouth shut and not say what they think! 

A person can accept a problem and cope and be supportive but still have niggles. I think it is a macho ego thing that *some *men just can't quite get their head around. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that my OH and Poloma's OH havent been directly involved in the appointments and things.

Samantha's OH (sorry i can't see your name here) has been thrown head first in this world and i doubt there was any escaping the truth, but my OH works abroad for period of three months so doesnt even see the things that are wrong.

People deal with everything differently, and I dont think anyone is generalising or tarring anyone, and feel free to disagree! We dont ask questions on these forums for everyone to just agree with us! What would be the point in that.

:beer: to Lea and your OH - and can you please tell her I havent dropped off the face of the planet, i am just trying my hardest not to sit on the laptop all night as OH was getting peed about it.


----------

