# How do you deal with this situation?



## MissRhead

So my LO's farther and I where together for a while and we are good friends still, he pays for LO and sees him as often as his job permits, he is military so it's not often but he really loves him and makes the effort I can't fault him. Now I'm pregnant again and the FOB has made it clear he wants nothing to do with LO and I haven't contacted him since, I honestly feel like he's a massive arsehole and I won't even peruse child maintenance from him, it's just been left. How will I deal with this as they both grow older and my oldest has a doting farther and my youngest will just have me? Is anyone in this situation, if so how do you deal with it? I want to be well prepared. I myself have a half brother who never saw his dad but my bio dad raised him as his own, so it's totally different I feel. Any feedback would be much appreciated as this is something weighing heavily on my mind :flower:


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## bbkf

So the 2nd baby is from a different daddy? Hmm that is a tricky situation :/ I dont really no what to suggest but there must be other mums in the same situation sorry im not much help :( although growing up my brothers saw their dad and I didnt see mine it never bothered me as it was just what I was used to. Hooe someone in a similar situation can help more x


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## MissRhead

Thanks for the reply, so do you feel like you not seeing your dad whilst your brothers saw theirs affected you in anyway? I guess I'm just worried their will be jealousy or resentment between them and I suppose towards me in years to come x


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## Sweetkat

Can your ex not take both kids out? The younger could maybe even call him dad but you could explain he is not the biological dad?!


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## Ceejay123

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## MissRhead

We will probably take them both places together but their would be no way he would take both on his own. I guess the days out etc wouldn't be a problem, it would be with things like Christmas i guess. I have my family and they spoil my LO rotten and will do the exact same with this LO. Otherwise I really just don't know what I'm going to do it makes me sad even just thinking about it, I feel like a failure already!x


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## Ceejay123

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## Baby France

Do you think that once FOB has calmed down that he may change his mind? Its obvious that its something that has shocked him and I might be completely wrong, but maybe once the baby is here he'll feel differently (hopefully) x


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## MissRhead

Well on Christmas LO's dad comes to my parents where we spend Christmas Day and spends part of the day here with him and gives presents and things. Maybe I could tell him he I'd prefer for him to take him to his dads where he stays on leave, for maybe like a couple hours? 
As for fob changing his mind, no I don't think it will happen, when I told him he said he was back with his ex wife and that the baby can't be his, he left and I've never spoken to him since. X


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## bbkf

MissRhead said:


> Thanks for the reply, so do you feel like you not seeing your dad whilst your brothers saw theirs affected you in anyway? I guess I'm just worried their will be jealousy or resentment between them and I suppose towards me in years to come x

No it was just normal to me I was never jelous or anything my mum offerrd a few times to try and contact my real dad but I said no I wasnt bothered if he wanted to see me he would have made the effort x


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## dream.catcher

I've never been in the situation myself, but I have seen it happen to other's. I think that it is just one of the things children are very good at dealing with - they grow up not knowing any different, and so they don't expect any different. When they are older, you can explain why it turned out this way.

However, you are still young and there will be someone out there who wants to make a family with you and your two children.

Never forget though, your unborn LO will have a mother, a father, a guide, a best friend, a teacher and so much more all rolled into one anyway :)


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## MissRhead

dream.catcher said:


> I've never been in the situation myself, but I have seen it happen to other's. I think that it is just one of the things children are very good at dealing with - they grow up not knowing any different, and so they don't expect any different. When they are older, you can explain why it turned out this way.
> 
> However, you are still young and there will be someone out there who wants to make a family with you and your two children.
> 
> Never forget though, your unborn LO will have a mother, a father, a guide, a best friend, a teacher and so much more all rolled into one anyway :)

You just made me cry a little bit :haha: thank you, I really hope things will turn out good, I'm going to try my hardest to make things ok anyway x


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## NKL120309

Congrats firstly. You shouldn't feel like a failure. I'm pretty sure you didn't purposely pick out a deadbeat to have a baby with. My brothers and I have different dads, I never cared much when I was younger about having a dad around as my brothers dad was hit and miss at times so it was never something consistent. I know as I get older I question my dad just because I have children who don't have a grand father, I feel bad about that. I want that more for them than for myself. All you can do is make this LO feel like he/she is just as equal regardless of his dad or not, they will be very spoiled you said so I doubt this baby will feel any less loved.


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## Breezybaby80

I'm a single mum of a 9 week old and just wanna tell u a bit of my story. His dad didnt want to know from the moment I told him I was pregnant. I got loads of verbal abuse whenever i contacted him and he just kept telling me to get lost and that he wasnt his but I'm stubborn and thought it took two to make this baby so u will damn right take responsibility so I sent him all the scan pics etc so that he was involved even tho he didn't want to be. He was nasty to me and a month before I was due he blocked me so I couldn't text him etc. when I had my boy I was so angry at his dad thinking how can u not want ur child so When he was 9 days old I sent him pics on my friends phone saying how can u deny ur son! And he contacted me straight away cos he knew from the pics that he was definitely his and he came round the next day to see him with loads of bits for him, broke down and apologised to me and he's been in his sons life ever since and he's a brilliant dad and we get on really well. He got a gf after my son was conceived and luckily that's not affected things with his son and he puts him first.

Sorry I've waffled on a bit but what I'm basically trying to say is that there was no way that I'd have thought he'd ever come round to wanting his son but he did and he says he was nasty cos he was scared and because it was a one night thing he wasn't sure if he was his but he's so glad that I was persistent with everything I did. He didnt deserve what I done but at the end of the day it's my boy I'm thinking of. I really hope u can work something out :)


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## MissRhead

Thank you im so glad he came round in the end a happy ending for your LO x
I'm quite a stubborn person and I know all of this could probably be resolved if I was persistent but I feel like I shouldn't have to force him, I think he has convinced himself that LO isn't his so that he can live with his conscience. I will send him a picture once LO arrives though, if hopefully like your fob comes to his sences I will be happy but if not it really is his loss. 
My LO is very excited about the baby and I just know he will be a perfect big brother so I think that will make things easier regarding the farther situation. xx


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## Breezybaby80

MissRhead said:


> Thank you im so glad he came round in the end a happy ending for your LO x
> I'm quite a stubborn person and I know all of this could probably be resolved if I was persistent but I feel like I shouldn't have to force him, I think he has convinced himself that LO isn't his so that he can live with his conscience. I will send him a picture once LO arrives though, if hopefully like your fob comes to his sences I will be happy but if not it really is his loss.
> My LO is very excited about the baby and I just know he will be a perfect big brother so I think that will make things easier regarding the farther situation. xx

That's exactly what I did, I thought if be don't wanna know when he saw the pics of him then that was it I wasn't gonna bother contacting him again and would be his loss and I was actually shocked that he came round in the end cos he was adamant he didnt want to know saying he wasn't his.

Btw I remember u from another forum when u had ur boy bit sure if u remember me? Lol


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## MissRhead

It just clicked yes I do!! How are you? Are you still their? I left a while back and I don't speak to anyone from their now :( how crazy, congrats on your LO! X


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## Breezybaby80

MissRhead said:


> It just clicked yes I do!! How are you? Are you still their? I left a while back and I don't speak to anyone from their now :( how crazy, congrats on your LO! X

Lol I recognised ur pic straight away! I left there years ago me and the ex split 2 years ago after 4 years together but was a good thing to happen cos now I got my baby boy and probably wouldn't of had kids lol. Thank u and congrats to u too! I only really speak to Emma T and Charlie from there but on face book


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## MissRhead

Yeah we split too, when LO was so young we are friends though which is good! Some good memory's from their though, I recently added Emma and Kat on Facebook as I only had them on my old account we haven't spoken though, I often wonder how everyone is getting on from their what a small (Internet) world lol! X


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## Breezybaby80

MissRhead said:


> Yeah we split too, when LO was so young we are friends though which is good! Some good memory's from their though, I recently added Emma and Kat on Facebook as I only had them on my old account we haven't spoken though, I often wonder how everyone is getting on from their what a small (Internet) world lol! X

It's good that u are friends I remember when u split. Me and shayens dad are friends now and get on really well which is good seeing as he came from a one night thing (not what I had planned) :/ he's a good dad and provides for him every week. 
I think quite a few people off their have got different men now or are single lol. I've always got on with Emma so chat now and again on fb but a few of them I didn't click with cos they didnt like that I speak my mind lol x


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## surprisepg

Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/

Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.


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## MissRhead

Breezybaby80 said:


> MissRhead said:
> 
> 
> Yeah we split too, when LO was so young we are friends though which is good! Some good memory's from their though, I recently added Emma and Kat on Facebook as I only had them on my old account we haven't spoken though, I often wonder how everyone is getting on from their what a small (Internet) world lol! X
> 
> It's good that u are friends I remember when u split. Me and shayens dad are friends now and get on really well which is good seeing as he came from a one night thing (not what I had planned) :/ he's a good dad and provides for him every week.
> I think quite a few people off their have got different men now or are single lol. I've always got on with Emma so chat now and again on fb but a few of them I didn't click with cos they didnt like that I speak my mind lol xClick to expand...

Yeah we hated each other when we split :haha: it literally took a year for things to settle down, he has been in a relationship for about 2 years, that was quite difficult as she banned him from seeing me what so ever, but they split (surprisingly lol) yeah it seems that way, crazy how much changes! Glad to hear your doing well anyway! Add me on Facebook if you like just send me a pm :flower:


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## MissRhead

surprisepg said:


> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.

I hope things work out for you too :flower: I'm quite lucky? I don't know if that's the right word but that he hasn't contacted me so we haven't had any fights or fallings out, it's just sort of been left. But yeah I think sending a picture once LO's here is a good idea and that's something I'll do, but I'm presuming if he is back with his ex wife like he says (I don't think he knows who he's with himself tbh) I don't think he will reply. :nope:


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## Breezybaby80

surprisepg said:


> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.

Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urself


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## Breezybaby80

MissRhead said:


> Breezybaby80 said:
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> MissRhead said:
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> Yeah we split too, when LO was so young we are friends though which is good! Some good memory's from their though, I recently added Emma and Kat on Facebook as I only had them on my old account we haven't spoken though, I often wonder how everyone is getting on from their what a small (Internet) world lol! X
> 
> It's good that u are friends I remember when u split. Me and shayens dad are friends now and get on really well which is good seeing as he came from a one night thing (not what I had planned) :/ he's a good dad and provides for him every week.
> I think quite a few people off their have got different men now or are single lol. I've always got on with Emma so chat now and again on fb but a few of them I didn't click with cos they didnt like that I speak my mind lol xClick to expand...
> 
> Yeah we hated each other when we split :haha: it literally took a year for things to settle down, he has been in a relationship for about 2 years, that was quite difficult as she banned him from seeing me what so ever, but they split (surprisingly lol) yeah it seems that way, crazy how much changes! Glad to hear your doing well anyway! Add me on Facebook if you like just send me a pm :flower:Click to expand...

I remember what he was like when u split he wasn't there got kameron but seems like he's grown up a bit now and I'm glad he's being a proper dad . I can't stand it when women try and stop them from seeing their kids cos at the end of the day the women/girls will just lose out cos the kid will always come first :). I'll add u now


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## surprisepg

Breezybaby80 said:


> surprisepg said:
> 
> 
> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.
> 
> Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urselfClick to expand...

The way I'm feeling now I dont want to show him anything or tell him when baby is born etc I spoke to some friends yesterday and they urge me to think about it and do the right thing and tell him and show him pics of the baby when its born. My fight with FOB was 90% about our relationship and basically him blaming me for everything. I miss him but then I get so mad at his treatment of me.


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## Breezybaby80

surprisepg said:


> Breezybaby80 said:
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> surprisepg said:
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> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.
> 
> Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urself Click to expand...
> 
> The way I'm feeling now I dont want to show him anything or tell him when baby is born etc I spoke to some friends yesterday and they urge me to think about it and do the right thing and tell him and show him pics of the baby when its born. My fight with FOB was 90% about our relationship and basically him blaming me for everything. I miss him but then I get so mad at his treatment of me.Click to expand...

U just do what u feel us right Hun. When lo was born I was so in love with him that I thought how can u not want this amazing child and really wanted him to see how special he was too and what we had both created. All resentment for him went out the window I just wanted him to see what I saw x


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## surprisepg

Breezybaby80 said:


> surprisepg said:
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> surprisepg said:
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> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.
> 
> Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urself Click to expand...
> 
> The way I'm feeling now I dont want to show him anything or tell him when baby is born etc I spoke to some friends yesterday and they urge me to think about it and do the right thing and tell him and show him pics of the baby when its born. My fight with FOB was 90% about our relationship and basically him blaming me for everything. I miss him but then I get so mad at his treatment of me.Click to expand...
> 
> U just do what u feel us right Hun. When lo was born I was so in love with him that I thought how can u not want this amazing child and really wanted him to see how special he was too and what we had both created. All resentment for him went out the window I just wanted him to see what I saw xClick to expand...

I think how can he deny this baby now by calling it a seed... sighhh.... and I know myself and know when the baby is here I will want him to see LO. I guess time will tell.


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## Breezybaby80

surprisepg said:


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> surprisepg said:
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> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.
> 
> Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urself Click to expand...
> 
> The way I'm feeling now I dont want to show him anything or tell him when baby is born etc I spoke to some friends yesterday and they urge me to think about it and do the right thing and tell him and show him pics of the baby when its born. My fight with FOB was 90% about our relationship and basically him blaming me for everything. I miss him but then I get so mad at his treatment of me.Click to expand...
> 
> U just do what u feel us right Hun. When lo was born I was so in love with him that I thought how can u not want this amazing child and really wanted him to see how special he was too and what we had both created. All resentment for him went out the window I just wanted him to see what I saw xClick to expand...
> 
> I think how can he deny this baby now by calling it a seed... sighhh.... and I know myself and know when the baby is here I will want him to see LO. I guess time will tell.Click to expand...

He really does need to be educated on how a baby develops inside the womb! Lol I think if it was me I wouldn't be able to help myself but send him some links of the baby progress for him to read so that he has no excuse for acting a div! Lol. Having said that I know some people it just don't seem real until its born, us women feel it moving and growing but some men don't have that connection


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## surprisepg

Breezybaby80 said:


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> Im in the same situation only difference is FOB is in another country so that in itself is complicated. I had a huge fight with FOB the other day and have decided to stay away from him for now since he things a baby at 21weeks gestation is a seed and not a baby until its born :/
> 
> Breezybaby I am so happy that FOB came around and is in LOs life now. I will send FOB a pic of his son when hes born but at this point I have kind of given up.
> 
> Men really have no idea do they! Lol. Thank u  All u can do is be the bigger person that's exactly what I did, I had to put all my feelings of anger towards him away for the sake of the baby and I'm glad I did and so is he and its also shown him that I'm a responsible reasonable person too. I seriously didnt think he would come round but its amazing what a pic of their child can do. I don't think men realise its a baby until its born and then it hits them. If they see a pic and then don't want to know then sod them they don't deserve to be in ur child's life and u can tell urself u done all u could and be proud of urself Click to expand...
> 
> The way I'm feeling now I dont want to show him anything or tell him when baby is born etc I spoke to some friends yesterday and they urge me to think about it and do the right thing and tell him and show him pics of the baby when its born. My fight with FOB was 90% about our relationship and basically him blaming me for everything. I miss him but then I get so mad at his treatment of me.Click to expand...
> 
> U just do what u feel us right Hun. When lo was born I was so in love with him that I thought how can u not want this amazing child and really wanted him to see how special he was too and what we had both created. All resentment for him went out the window I just wanted him to see what I saw xClick to expand...
> 
> I think how can he deny this baby now by calling it a seed... sighhh.... and I know myself and know when the baby is here I will want him to see LO. I guess time will tell.Click to expand...
> 
> He really does need to be educated on how a baby develops inside the womb! Lol I think if it was me I wouldn't be able to help myself but send him some links of the baby progress for him to read so that he has no excuse for acting a div! Lol. Having said that I know some people it just don't seem real until its born, us women feel it moving and growing but some men don't have that connectionClick to expand...

He needs more than some education on baby development he needs a whack across the head smh I have a very supportive OB and I told her about this situation and when I quoted what he said she he doenst want to establish a connection to this baby. Shes right! He did say he doesnt have a baby till its born and this only tells me he doesnt want to face the fact that this baby is coming. I know that most men dont connect and dont see it as being real till baby is born but a seed? meh...


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