# Tell me about your sixteen year old



## hellohefalump

My sixteen yr old 'hates' me because I'm a 'obese housewife with an aversion to cleaning, slowly dying from heavy smoking, who's spent years dumbing myself down to the level of a two year old'

Nice. 

My sixteen year old is actually my sister. Her dad died when she was ten and mum is too mentally ill and emotionally abusive to look after her. 
I have gone to hell and back with my sister. Wen she came to me she was Severely anorexic, self harming to the point she had to have a skin graft.... I've spent thousands of pounds going through the courts to get parental responsibility.... Yet she still thinks I hate her?!

She's also highly intelligent. But emotionally not so intelligent. 

Anyways... Just to clarify, I'm not a heavy smoker, I do smoke, but not heavily!


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## Baby France

:hugs:

Sometimes teenagers have so many hormones flying around them that they are just nasty and grumpy because they can be.

And if you've had troubled times before, you find it so easy to hurt those closest to you as from experience they've hurt you in the past.

:hugs: Sounds like whatever it is going on, you're the one getting it in the neck.


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## hellohefalump

Thank you that makes sense


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## hellohefalump

She called me a bitch today... Cos I told her not to put hot food in the freezer.


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## juicyfruity

she's probably hurting a lot and you're getting the heat of it. i havent a 16 yr old but recently turned 19 and struggled with self harm and anorexia from abuse issues with my father am now recovered but from experience loved ones get caught in the crossfire and also its easier to get angry at people who you trust not to hurt you :)

keep it cool as best you can, prehaps seek support for her, let her know shes loved and someday you'll get a sign it was worth it!


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## hellohefalump

I have done and still do so much for her. She told Dh that I hate her!!! She totally disrespects me. For some reason she thinks I'm stupid and nothing I say is valid. 

She wants to board at her school.

I feel like I've failed her.

But why does she disrespect me so much?? I haven't done anything! 

She won't even discuss stuff with me cos she literally just don't give a toss what I think. 

I'm so upset I've been crying on and off all day about it. I don't know how to win back some respect since I don't know what I've done in the first place.


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## seoj

I don't know the entire situation- so I can only speak to what you've said, but your sister is obvioulsy gone through SO much. And she just seems very angry in general- and tbh, angry teenagers tend to take things out on their parents- but since her bio-parents are not around. You are the one she is taking her anger out on. 

Has she ever gotten long term treatment for her issues? Have either of you gone to counseling to try to talk through these issues- a facilitator can be very useful. I don't believe she hates you or even really thinks you hate her. She prob has a lot of self hate and insecurities after what she's been through... all I can recommend is getting her the help she really needs. It's great she has you. That you support and love her- but that can only go so far hun. I know it's much easier to say- just remind yourself that her anger and hate is not really about you... it's about her and she's pushing it on you because your the one that is there. And as backwards as it sounds- she is lashing out at the one person she knows will stick around-- or it could be because she is afraid of getting hurt again, so she's keeping you at a distance. 

I'm sorry- it sounds like a difficult situation for you all. But in time. With the right kind of treatment and help- you can re-establish a good bond with one another. Wishing you the best of luck!


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## babydust1990

I have a 15 year old foster daughter and when we cared for her last summer (she came to stay, it wasn't official back then) she was an actual nightmare. Thought everyone hated her, even though we took her into our home out of love! It was hard, but they honestly can't see things clearly. Teenagers don't act rationally, they are impulsive and hormonal. I wouldn't take the things she said personally, just always try to be there. One day she'll understand and will regret all these things she said to you :hugs:


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## hellohefalump

Thanks guys for your reassurance. I had a really good cry yesterday and that helped I feel much better today. You're all right I shouldn't take things personally. I must realise its just her age. It must be hard for her to have so much anger inside her. She's also working really hard on her gcses. 

It's just hard. It's hard to 'like' someone when you're constantly treading on egg shells.


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## hellohefalump

She's had loads of therapy, but it's stopped now because she's 'better' maybe we should do family therapy I think I'll look into it


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## River54

I have a 16yr old dd. When she is tired and stressed and possibly hungry, she lashes out. Pretty much anything could set it off. I learned not to say anything, and just bring her some hot chocolate or tea and a snack, and try really hard not to say anything. (I don't ask how her day went, etc. though I may ask if she is eating dinner in her room or with us - but typically later after she ate a snack)

Over the years, I have found that if I didn't like something she did, to logically explain why it is wrong. (ex - don't like the hot food in the freezer - calmly take it out while saying 'oh, I don't want the other food to get ruined in there, so I'll just take it out and cool it down first, ok?') So you are not blaming her, or telling her what to do - she comes up with that herself. If she argues to say it'll be ok, just say you want to make sure, or start talking about how the thawing and refreezing of food items makes them not last as long and taste bad.
I also learned that her as a teenager - to not blame/confront her, but just tell her how I feel about the action, and stress the 'me' part, and try not to tell her what to do. It was really hard to get used to doing that.

Now, I feel like I am just a guidance person. She makes decisions, some good, some bad, I try really really  hard not to point out the obvious, since she does know, and me pointing it out only upsets both of us.

I think of her as going off to college in another year and a half, and that she'll be completely on her own... I still do her laundry, and ask her if she can gather her garbage in her room since it is garbage day tomorrow etc. But typically when I ask her to do something, I say why, so she knows there is a reason, and I am not doing it out of spite.
ex:
It is garbage day tomorrow, I can give you a bag for it if you can put stuff in, that'd be great.
I am doing laundry today, if you want me to do yours, can you bring it down for me?
Can you empty the dishwasher for me? I am trying to clean up this other area, etc. 

- Some times she responds No, and that is fine. Now she actually explains why to me if she says No. I have found that eventually she tries to help out, and does appreciate it. (She has a few hours of homework/night, so sometimes she really doesn't have time to do stuff, and get her 'own' time in)

If she is feeling down a bit, I ask if everything is ok, and if there is anything I can do, maybe give her a backrub. If it is more troubling, I explain to her what I've seen her do in the past few days etc, and ask her about it.

The respect thing is harder to gain back, but very doable :) I'm sure you'll get there :)
She obviously does has some issues with your weight, and the cleaning level and may think you aren't doing enough to what she thinks you can do (if she thinks you can do better - she does care). She probably has no idea what you do all day, and doesn't realize all the things you do actually do - so she is assuming/guessing. Though, if I read between the lines, I'd say she cares about her big sister and doesn't like to see you 'dumbing yourself down' Again - she may just be assuming/guessing about stuff. I found my dd did that alot...they seem to like to draw their own conclusions now...wrong or right...

It is probably very hard for both of you because she is your sister, and she probably wants her sister sometimes, and not a mother to talk to. I'd imagine it would be very hard to be both. 

Good on you for fighting for her and trying to help her. She'll realize it eventually if she doesn't already.

Sorry I went on and on....I hope it helps somewhat?


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## hellohefalump

Thankyou river,
That's amazing advice and I will definitely try to tell her why, and say things to her but not tell her what to do.

For the last few days she has been hiding in her bedroom and I've been leaving her be. I've asked dh to tell her she doesn't have to hide from me, but she's still hiding!

She thinks that I pick arguments with her on purpose because I hate her, when actually I'm just trying to be a parent here. In her ideal world I think she'd like to be allowed to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants and everyone around her to agree with how she's living her life and treat her like an adult friend rather than someone that, at the end of the day, I'm responsible for. 

I have found out that since Saturday she has been drinking vodka in her diet coke. She's got through nearly a whole bottle from Saturday to Monday when I poured the rest down the sink. I'm sure being pissed most of the time isn't helping her mood, particularly since she won't go to bed until really late (midnight to 3 am sometimes) And has to be up at 6.30am on a school day. But if I say anything about bedtimes she says 'well I've been working hard at school all day and I just want some 'me' time'. And I know if I TOLD her to go to bed at a reasonable time shed say I'm picking a fight and shed get aggressive. 

It's constant treading on egg shells at the moment and its making me sad.


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## River54

hellohefalump said:


> But if I say anything about bedtimes she says 'well I've been working hard at school all day and I just want some 'me' time'. And I know if I TOLD her to go to bed at a reasonable time shed say I'm picking a fight and shed get aggressive.

I used to get that alot. I still do. Now I only suggest to her she should go to bed soon, and leave it at that. Otherwise we'd both be frustrated. I frustrates me alot when she mixes homework with 'me' time, and then she goes to bed late. When I've mentioned it before, she retaliates to say she needs her 'down' time as well. So, sometimes she goes to bed late, then up early, then can't function as well the next night. But I have gotten to the conclusion she has to figure it out herself. She does know she needs sleep, and she does recognize when she does not get it, so I have stopped pointing it out to her, as it frustrates her (not a little kid...etc)

Funny though - occasionally I've had enough, and I unplug ever so slightly the internet cable from the house connection...she thinks it is down, as sometimes it does go down. Then she'll suddenly have time for some other things (though she waits about 15 minutes for it to come back online, or tries to reset the router, which doesn't help...) I do that rarely, and only when I get pretty fed up - so it is not obvious.

Ouch on the alcohol front. Sounds like a good lesson. Hope it wasn't yours you had to pour down...


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## hellohefalump

You sound like you've got it just right! In some ways I wish my sister really was my daughter as things would be simpler. She thinks (I think) that because I'm not her mum and didn't bring her up, that I shouldn't treat her as a daughter I should just be a fun big sister. With my weight... I have schizoaffective disorder which is controlled by medication. Unfortunately the meds made me very hungry and also slowed my metabolism which is how I've got so far. Recently though I've lost five kilos through hard work of my own. She thinks though that I'm fat because I don't do as much exercise as her. She goes running for hours at a time, tyquondo (sp) classes... Plus various classes at school. She seems to think that looking after the kids is easy and I can take time out to exercise like her... She really has no ideA how much time young children take up! When I was a teenager yes I did do a lot of exercise, but I let it slide since I had kids. 

She does look after the kids sometimes, but only for half an hour while I go to the shops, or in the evening after they've been put to bed. I think she resents the babysitting she does do... But I do pay her for it! £5 an hour, or if I buy her something she doesn't need like computer games she has to babysit to pay me the money back. She also gets £25 a month paid into her bank account. 

Today my house smells a bit of weed... I hope to god it's not her and its the neighbours... It probably is the neighbours but I can't help but wonder.


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## hellohefalump

River I've taken your advice on how to talk to her and its worked so thank you!

New issue.... She left the Internet open on the iPad and I've found out she's been going on a site for alcoholics telling them stuff like she's been drinking a third of a bottle vodka per day since she was twelve and that I buy it for her!!!

This isn't true I buy her some on special occasions but she's not getting through that much a day (except last weekend which I think was a one off)

She's obviously attention seeking but why??? How do I approach her about this, or even should I just ignore it?


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## River54

If it were me, I wouldn't approach her on it. Then she'll think you are spying on her, and invading her personal space, which would result in a backlash.

I would approach the alcohol part. Maybe tell her that you are concerned about her drinking and worry that it will affect her health. Liver problems, etc especially at such a young age. Explain what happens over long term use, and tell her you are worried about her. 

Basically the point is that she is a teen, and can probably get it from somewhere, you just have to figure out how to get her to figure out that it is bad for her and she shouldn't be doing it. Also that moderation is key when an adult.
I'd also do something subtle like pamplets around the house on how to deal with teenage drinking and the effects that it causes. Leave open webpages about it, etc. So she knows you are concerned about it. Maybe mention you were reading up on it and found out xxx facts about it. 

https://www.helpguide.org/harvard/alcohol_teens.htm

I'd stop buying any for her regardless of the occasion.


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## hellohefalump

Oh dear god... I just searched her room and found an empty bottle of vodka and half a bottle of wine. 

I just don't know what to do


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## hellohefalump

I think we're either going to have to hide alcohol in our bedroom or stop buying it altogether


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## hellohefalump

OH is going to talk to her tonight, she listens to him.


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## hellohefalump

Abi has agreed she's going to start seeing her therapist again. She had a good chat with OH last night


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## hellohefalump

I've noticed a link between impending gcses and trying to pick fights with me. Last week she started her exams and her mood was much better as she thought shed done well. This coming week she has four exams and she doesn't have a pleasant word to say to me, she's just snapping at me and giving dirty looks. I'm ignoring it because I don't want a fight. Hopefully mid week she might cheer up.


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## rosesmummy

I cant imagine what you must be going through.

I cant really give any advice either. I know when I was young (I'm only 23 now!) but it was the 'cool' thing to drink and do drug and there was a lot of peer pressure but I don't think that's it here its sounds more like she has actual issues :/

I know I used to 'lash' out at y mum a lot, I was an evil child, but then me and my mum never really connected. I think its so important that parents are the parent figure. Have structure from birth right through to adulthood is what kids need, I needed that from my mum and never got it and I think thats why I probably 'hated' her. 

But like I've said it sounds like you all need family therapy. 

So I can only wish you good luck and best wishes and hopes for the future xxx


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## lozzy21

Stop buying alcohol for yourself and stop giving her money. Instead tell her to leave you a list of things she wants and you will buy her it. She may not be your daughter but she lives in your house.


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## paigeypoo

being she is your sister and you are a mother figure you are getting the brut of her anger at the world. Her life situation only adds to the normal wear and tear the emotions face between 16 and 19. You should not blame yourself, she will figure it out. all you can do is love an support her. When she says things to you like 'being fat and lazy' tell her to lead by example. if she thinks she is responsible and can take care of her self let her, but let her know it needs to start within the home. Try to make her feel like more of the house holder. Tell her to buy her own dishes and groceries, even try a mini fridge. Always impose lead by example.


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