# I don't know where I belong anymore



## LDC

We had an appointment today following severe water on the brain found at 20 week scan. We got told today that the prognosis for baby is really not good, and that if we continue then there are likely to be further complications and extremely impaired motor skills at the very best. 

Oh and I made the horrendous decision to end the pregnancy (I can't even bare to call it anything else) after having discussed this following the poor diagnosis at the 20 week scan. 

I'm due in for the tablet on Thursday and the delivery on Saturday. 

I don't even know how to feel. I'm so confused, I don't feel that it's fair. It's not fair to anyone. 

I've bawled my eyes out and am now numb. Just waiting for the day for it all to happen.

I don't even know if we're having a girl or a boy. 

I feel like a monster for making such a decision. 

My oh has been wonderful and he's off work now until next week. I've called work and told them not to expect me in. I'm panicking now about work - because it's happening at 21.5 weeks I'm not covered by our maternity policy (I would be if it were 24 weeks plus) so it goes to sick leave. I can self cert for 5 days (taking me to Tuesday) but what do I do? I feel like it's an extra stress I don't need right now. I'd like to think I can't work 3 days after delivering but then I've chosen this so does that mean I can? I don't want to be racing to the drs next week after what is going to be a horrendous time to try and get a sick note. 

:cry::cry: I just want to crawl into a hole and forget.
I feel so alone xxx


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## NerdyMama

I'm so sorry you are going through this hun :( I saw your other thread in gestational complications and was so hoping things would be ok... I know they have a forum here for ethical losses that may have a good support group for those who have had to make this very tough decision.


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## mummy2o

Doctors can give you longer than a week sick notes if its for something like this. I've just had my 2nd 2nd trimester miscarriage. And no one can blame you for wanting to end the pregnancy. Only you know how you'll cope. Just take one day at a time and allow yourself to recover properly. I'm sorry your going through this, my thoughts are with you


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## Autumnflower

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you've had to make this decision. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. Im so sorry and I wish a speedy recovery from the procedure.


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## LDC

Thank you everyone.

It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar. 

I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like? 

Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone. 

I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while. 

I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.


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## Andypanda6570

LDC said:


> Thank you everyone.
> 
> It's so hard not knowing anyone who has been through anything similar.
> 
> I'm scared that I'm going to be scared of the baby. I want to hold the baby but then I'm scared of what he or she will look like. Will that be forever etched in my mind? What will they look like?
> 
> Sorry, I dont want to offend or upset anyone.
> 
> I've contacted my managers manager today who is getting in touch with HR so that's something I can forget about for a little while.
> 
> I had a dream last night that everything was ok and the drs made a big mistake and my baby was fine but I found out after I had gone through with it. Why is life so cruel.

I gave birth at 22 weeks.I didn't want to see her at first, thank God the nurse told me to think a bit about it..I did hold her and I just fell in love, it was the most precious moment of my life.. Don't be scared, it will come naturally.. One thing I regret is not taking pictures, I should have, but that is something for you to decide.. You are not offending anyone, we all deal with this in different ways, no way is right or wrong..I wish you nothing but peace and so much love..I am thinking of you and your precious baby..I know how hard this is, I wish things like this just didn't happen :cry::cry: Please know you are not alone..XOXOXOXOOXOXOXO I am so so so sorry :cry:


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## Jessicahide

I am heartbroken for you, woke up thinking about you and bubz hoping everything was OK. I am so so sorry xxxx


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## Bunanie

Hi LDC, I remember you from baby club (in threads about sleep)... Our DD are similar age...

I'm so sorry to see you here... I'm posting because I went through something similar earlier this year. I opt for terminating the pregnancy at 13weeks as poor bubba had t13. I thought I had the easiest pregnancy ever because everything seem so perfect. 

The whole process was heart breaking and painful. I even broke down in front of DD, I cant forget the innocent look on her face, probably thinking why mummy is crying. But having her there makes things so much easier to cope, made me really appreciate her just being the healthy happy kid that she is...

You are not alone... Lots of hugs..
Stay strong x


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## LDC

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to post. I hate that so many people have had losses, but it is comforting to hear the experience of others. It's horrendous. 

I've been to the hospital this morning and taken the tablet, I know the name but have chosen not to read anything about it in case I get more upset. The ladies were so lovely at the hospital - they were so understanding and made me feel like it was ok to sit and bawl my eyes out and ask questions. I just really hope that come Saturday everything happens quickly and that I can come home that night. 

My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if. 

Andypanda thank you for sharing your experiences, our children will be similar ages when they were born. The lady today spoke about the chaplain and how they can take hand and foot prints and also photos. OH said he doesn't think that he wants to see baby, but that he will judge this on the day. I think I do want to see baby, I think he or she will look like a baby because of the gestation, I just worry that, I don't know, maybe they won't look peaceful or will be grey/blue so not look real. 

Bunanie I remember you too, I could not forget your gorgeous picture of DD. my dd has definitely helped me keep going so far; she is beautiful and keeps me and Oh filled with hope. I'm so sorry for your loss, it's so awful how common decisions like this are, I never had a clue before this situation. Thank you for sharing 

Xx


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## Bunanie

LDC said:


> My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.

That! I was exactly the same. I was up and down for a while. My DH gave me peace when he reminded me that we were lucky to find out something was wrong, and given the option to end the suffering. But sometimes I just think, why me? Why us? Then I started bawling again. 

As cliche as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. My original due date was 29/08, as we are getting nearer to that date, DH and I are feeling a bit emotional again :cry: but we are coping much better now. 

Hope the procedure goes well, thinking of you X


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## sethsmummy

Sending you so much love xxx


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## klabro

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my twins at 21 weeks 1 day almost 2 months ago. I can share my experience as far as holding them and seeing them. When I first went in I was thinking "no there is not way I want to see that, I just can't" My nurse had lost a baby at full term and she really helped me through it all. One piece of advice that she gave me was to do all of the extras that were offered because some day I might look back and regret not doing them. My babies were born alive and at first I said no and before they were even able to walk my little boy across the room I just knew I needed to hold him. He laid on my chest wrapped in a blanket and I kissed his little cheeks and rubbed his face and held his hands. Then I was able to do the same with my little girl. It really has been the most comfort I was able to get from this situation because for those moments it was just me loving my babies and thinking they were beautiful-just like I would have done if they were born at full term. We did have pictures done and at the advice of my nurse-if it isn't something I feel like I can see at that moment put them in a box somewhere and maybe there will be a day when I want to go back and see them. Well, as it turns out the pictures have given me so much comfort in the aftermath because I can go back and look at their precious little faces and know that they were "real". I'm so sorry that you are faced with this. Sending you hugs.


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## LDC

Bunanie said:


> LDC said:
> 
> 
> My emotions are just so....odd. I'm bawling one minute where nothing in particular has set me off and the next I'm...not ok...but managing? I'm just trying to keep busy - cleaned my car and the kitchen so they're sparkling, but I think that's something to take my mind off things and also so that I'm not just sat where I dwell on everything and wonder what if.
> 
> That! I was exactly the same. I was up and down for a while. My DH gave me peace when he reminded me that we were lucky to find out something was wrong, and given the option to end the suffering. But sometimes I just think, why me? Why us? Then I started bawling again.
> 
> As cliche as it sounds, time will heal all wounds. My original due date was 29/08, as we are getting nearer to that date, DH and I are feeling a bit emotional again :cry: but we are coping much better now.
> 
> Hope the procedure goes well, thinking of you XClick to expand...

Even in this short time, I've realised how important it is to keep talking with oh and I imagine that that will again become important around Los due date. It's just something that I imagie can seem never ending, you deal with the emotions of the decision, then the first part of delivery, then the delivery itself, then the aftermath, people asking, due date.... It's non stop. 

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as your due date approaches and I send you and your family lots of love to cope :hugs: xxxx


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## LDC

klabro said:


> I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my twins at 21 weeks 1 day almost 2 months ago. I can share my experience as far as holding them and seeing them. When I first went in I was thinking "no there is not way I want to see that, I just can't" My nurse had lost a baby at full term and she really helped me through it all. One piece of advice that she gave me was to do all of the extras that were offered because some day I might look back and regret not doing them. My babies were born alive and at first I said no and before they were even able to walk my little boy across the room I just knew I needed to hold him. He laid on my chest wrapped in a blanket and I kissed his little cheeks and rubbed his face and held his hands. Then I was able to do the same with my little girl. It really has been the most comfort I was able to get from this situation because for those moments it was just me loving my babies and thinking they were beautiful-just like I would have done if they were born at full term. We did have pictures done and at the advice of my nurse-if it isn't something I feel like I can see at that moment put them in a box somewhere and maybe there will be a day when I want to go back and see them. Well, as it turns out the pictures have given me so much comfort in the aftermath because I can go back and look at their precious little faces and know that they were "real". I'm so sorry that you are faced with this. Sending you hugs.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins, thank you so much for sharing your experience especially as it must still be so raw for you. I am so glad that you had a wonderful nurse to help and support you through, that must have helped so much. I am hoping, like you, that the desire or just what seems right happens on Saturday after my delivery. I think my heart will just call out for what I think is best to do. I have spoken with my oh and told him that I want that feeling of knowing that my angel will have been held and loved before going off on his full journey to the sky. In my head lo will be looked after by my mother, who is also an angel. 

May I ask, please don't feel the need to answer, did you know the sex before delivery of your twins? We tried to find out at the scan but the cord was in the way and the leaflet the hospital gave me said that under 22 weeks they might not be able to tell as the genetalia can look very similar, it says it will be the opinion of the nurse and that I'll only know for sure if we opt for postmortem. That kinda breaks my heart a little. I want to give my baby a name, an identity, and know who I'm grieving for when I leave the hospital. 

:hugs: xxxx


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## Jessicahide

What happened to me and my baby was different but I was personally so glad I held him and kissed him it was my only chance and it gives me great comfot that my hands held his little being and I kissed his little face. That might not make any sense but I know what I mean, but its a completely personal thing xx


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## lizlemon

Hello, I'm sorry you ar going through this, I went through a 20w loss 3 years ago. My dh was similar to yours - at first didn't want to hold baby, but then did and now says it was the most special thing for him, then at her funeral service he didn't want one, but then after he said it was such good closure etc. I think they should be able to tell you the sex on delivery, we had a pm so that we could get some more answers.
I would reiterate the other ladies advice to have photos taken, hand prints and foot prints done for your memory box. I bought my lo a small toy so she wouldn't be alone. My baby was also pink in colour and despite some facial abnormalities she was the most beautiful, perfect baby to me - and so worth over coming my fear if looking at her! Xxx


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## Jessicahide

Hello darling, I have been thinking about you how are you processing everything? Are you planning on having a service for your little one XXX pm me at anytime if you need to talk XXX


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## klabro

I did know the sex of my babies before they were born. Also, you could tell the difference of them both so I would think a nurse would be able to tell you so that you could name your angel.


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## nessaw

Hi I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. We lost our twins at 15wks and the nurse was able to tell us they were boys. We took blankets in for them and held them-I wasn't sure before if I could. We also had hand and foot prints and photos. I don't look at them much but they're there when I want to. Sending you love and strength.x


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## lau86

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's a cruel world x


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## sethsmummy

I hope you are doing ok hun and got to do everything you wanted to do on saturday with your precious little one. I have been thinking of you over the weekend <3 <3 <3


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## LDC

Thank you so much for all of your kind words, I feel like my world has collapsed. 

I had 4 rounds of the pessaries every three hours starting at 11am on Saturday - they said they couldn't give me the usual amount because of my previous c section in 2012 in case it made my scar rupture. They said if nothing happened after the four pessaries then I'd have to start again Sunday morning.

I had a lot of pain; in the end was given gas and air and pethidine. Baby Reuben was then born at 12:15am Sunday morning after the final pessary at 8pm. He was 29cm long and weighed 442g. With dd being born by c section I'd never had a natural birth before and, if anything, I'm so glad I was able to push my baby into this world. Once I pushed my waters out he came quite quickly; they told me bother was happening because I'd bleed before anything started - I didn't bleed before. 

Then things started to go wrong - my placenta wouldn't all come out and was stuck in the neck of the womb and I was losing a lot of blood. Everyone just started rushing around and the Dr was calling for more and more people saying EBL. This completely freaked me out and the pain was horrendous. They ended up taking me to theatre under anaesthetic to remove the rest of my placenta and to stop the bleeding. I got back to my oh on the ward at around 4:30am and was told the next morning I lost around 2 litres of blood.

So I didn't get the chance to even talk about my little boy until 10am the next day. We got the chance to go and see Reuben, but I couldnt. I couldn't do it. I was scared and just frozen to where I was. My oh went to see him and took him the bunny we brought him; he was really upset when he got back and said he didn't think I should go but that he was glad he did; he said he thought I'd be too upset seeing him. The hospital had put him in a Moses basket with a little hat on and a blanket - we got to keep the blanket that wrapped my son up. 

We had Reuben blessed by the vicar and had hand and foot prints given to us. We are now waiting to try and arrange the funeral after the PM. 

Now I'm at home and we are expected to carry on as though nothing has happened. My son is real but not here. Where is the justice? I broke down this morning to oh about it, I don't know if I regret not going to see him. We have pictures but I can't bring myself to look at them either, what is wrong with me? Oh spoke to me and said he needed to see him as for him he wasn't real whereas for me he is real because I felt him move and pushed him into this world. Maybe being rushed of to theatre didn't help either - it was meant to be calm but it wasn't, I honestly thought I was going to die. 

All I know is I am devastated. For those 21 weeks my son brought me so much happiness and I just wish that I could have given him the health and strength to be strong enough for this world. My dd keeps me busy and I'm so grateful that she is here to keep mine and oh's spirits as high as they can be, I just wish things had turned out differently.

Xx


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## sethsmummy

awww hun i am so so sorry things didnt go so well :hugs: :hugs: Thats the last thing you needed to be happening after everything else. 

Please please do not beat yourself up, there is no right or wrong and there is 100% nothing wrong with you. you have just gone through one of the most traumatic things that can ever happen to a parent :hugs: :hugs: When you feel the time is right you can look at the photographs of your precious Reuben.

I am so glad they managed to stop the bleeding and that you are still here hun as thats an awful lot of blood to loose. :hugs: 

Everyone will be here for you to help you through this hun. I hope you also have lots of support around you at home.. and please do not feel like you just have to cope. What you have just been through no mummy or daddy should ever go through that and you need time to grieve 

:hugs: :hugs:


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## LDC

Thank you so much for your reply. 

Oh and I had a really open talk during the labour and it really helped us to just say exactly how we felt and how horrendous the situation feels. He's been so good today and yesterday too, just letting me know it's ok to be upset and taking a lead on things.

I felt really poorly yesterday when I got home, like weak and lightheaded which I imagine is from the blood loss (they decided against a blood transfusion at the last minute) and he just let me rest and took charge of dd, despite how awful he was feeling. 

Ive been given two lots of antibiotics and a dose of iron tablets to take and have woken up today feeling less fuzzy and just a bit achy downstairs and in my arms (I had three canulars in) but I can deal with that. I can just picture the bloody woman coming at me with these forceps to try and get the placenta out...definitely put me off a natural labour if we choose to have any more children! I was opting for a planned section with Reuben.

My MIL gets back from holiday tomorrow and she doesn't know anything about it Yet as oh didn't want to tell her whilst she was on holiday, which I understand as she can't do anything. So that's anther bridge to cross tomorrow.

Xxx


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## Jessicahide

You have your pics and they will always be there for when and if you are ready xxx nothing is wrong with you apart fro having your precious baby stolen from you.... And that is frankly more than any person should have to go through, people will never understand the horror and hurt and injustice or the way you will try to plead with the universe to take it back for the rest of your life. People will say stupid things to you, hurtful and spiteful and they will have no idea how much they effect you. The world keeps going and I remember thinking "how can people just be going to work, and doing their washing.... Don't they know what has happened?!" Its a strange sensation and I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I am glad you had him, even for such ashort time because he is yours no matter where he is xxxx


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## LDC

Jessica, I think that it exactly it. It's like my world has been ripped apart but nothing at home has changed if that makes sense. When I lost my mum it was just me and her at home so there was a huge gap where she would sit or check email or cook dinner, yet with this loss there is nothing as such. Just my stupidly empty stomach and hole in my heart. Nothing visible? Maybe that's what makes it harder. You know there was an existence, I have proof of an existence but then nothing at the same time? 

People keep asking what they can do, I just want to say "bring my baby back" because, actually that's all I want. 

Your last sentence really meant a lot to me, thank you. You're right, Reuben is mine. He was here and we love him with all of our hearts, he's just in a different place right now 

Xxx


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## Jessicahide

Sending my love xxxx


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## LoraLoo

I'm so very sorry for your loss. We lost Alfie at 18 weeks into the pregnancy, and Eve at 5 days old. 
It's not a pain you ever get over but it's a pain you learn to live with in time.
I'm so glad you got some photographs and prints of Reuben. Also, it's not too late to see him after the pm. We saw eve after her pm and she still looked perfect, I'm
Not saying that to place doubts in your head, just because I don't want you to regret anything if you didn't know it was still an option.
Sands provided lots of support too, they were my lifeline in the early days.
My thoughts are with you all x


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## Boozlebub

I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling but I want to send you hugs and prayers and to tell you that I think you are an incredibly strong and brave woman. And your husband is also strong and brave and I'm glad you have each other and your DD to keep you going x


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## lizlemon

Sending you a massive hug. Don't rush to recover too quickly, the blood loss will have wiped you out for a while. I'm glad you got photos, I've not looked at my lo's for about a year but am glad they are there if I need too. I expected people to say hurtful things but in fact everyone was very kind and upset for me and dh. Also if you did still want to see your baby you can ask as it takes a while for them to do pms so there is time if you really want to. Sending you big big hug, keep talking to your oh and cry when you want to xxx


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## LDC

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do. 

I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon. 

I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both. 

My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon. 

I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life. 

We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there. 

Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers. 

Xxx


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## Bunanie

I'm so so so sorry... I just can't imagine how much pain you ar going through right now... Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to look at the photos, I too have not touched or put away the ultrasound films with my last. I simply shoved it to a corner of a table, it's my way to heal. 

The shrub sounds like a great idea...

Hugs....................... Please take good care of yourself


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## Peanutt

LDC said:


> Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, they really do help me to get through every hour of the day. I'm so sorry that you have all been through this too, no matter what stage or what happened. It definitely changes you as a person and if there weren't forums like this then I don't know what I'd do.
> 
> I'm hoping the bereavement midwife will call today so there is some more support there, I also emailed ARC and asked for support from them. They replied really quickly yesterday so am sure they'll be in touch soon.
> 
> I feel like my friends don't know how to speak to me, I know they've not been through it and I think because I'm not usually an emotional person this new emotion is kinda hard to manage - for them and me both.
> 
> My milk has come in now, another painful reminder of the truth. I didn't even realise I would get my milk, but my boobs are so sore. Been putting cabbage leaves on so hopeful they will calm down soon.
> 
> I feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a time warp at the minute - it seems so long ago, yet it was two days ago. I've done a lot of reevaluating of my life, sounds dramatic, but I've been thinking about quitting my job. I don't enioy it, it takes me away from dd for 38 hours a week and actually, it's not worth it. I'd need another job first; but I was planning on going part time once Reuben was here anyway. I'm trying not to be rash and taking things a day at a time, but I feel like there's been a lot of realisation about what is important in my life.
> 
> We're going to buy an evergreen colourful shrub tomorrow for the garden whilst dd is at nursery for Reuben as a memorial for the garden so we have something to remember him by. I think we will get some ornaments too to put there.
> 
> Does anyone know how long I will bleed for? I've not actually bled as much as I thought but do you think I will stop for a while and then get AF? I'm not really sure what to expect, no one mentioned anything at the hospital about that or when oh and I could be intimate again - not that that's even on my mind but I just don't know the answers.
> 
> Xxx


I'm about to lose my baby due to Trisomy 18 and so I know how you're feeling. 
Unfortunately, I'm no stranger to loss and the only way I can make sense of it is when I come across someone hurting and perhaps I can help if only a little.

Your friends don't know what to say. There are no words that will make you feel better right now. Even someone who has been through the exact same thing can't make you feel better.
On a cut, you can apply salve. You can take medicine for a headache. But for a heartache, there's nothing for it but time. And it works so, so slowly.
You stand there, time seeming to stand still, the tick-tock paused. But the rest of the world continues as it has, rushing around and unaware of the great loss you've had. That's how it feels for everyone and it feels so cruel.
But as time passes, you heal and get better.

You will be okay. I promise. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but believe me. 
You. Will be. Okay.
Take it slow and easy. This type of wound will always be a scar upon your heart. And just like a scar, sometimes it'll hurt, pull or itch and remind you it's there. But it won't be like the pain you're feeling now.
Put one foot in front of the other and just trust that things will get better.

:hugs:


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## lizlemon

I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up. 
Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx


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## LDC

lizlemon said:


> I think I bled small amounts for about 4 weeks. It is gutting the milk comes in. To help dry it up do not touch your breasts whilst showering and wear a bra at night, the lack of stimulation there will dry the milk up.
> Some of my friends were crap, they didn't know what to say so said nothing, that hurt and one close friend it has never been the same. I suppose this is when you find put who are the strong good friends xx

Thank you for the milk tips, it's bloody unfair getting it in. I'm hoping it will dry up soon although I imagine that again i will feel sad because then there is another thing gone. It's a bit like 2 of one 3 of another. 




We brought our shrubs today for the garden, a blue flower and a white one. I think they'll look really pretty once they flower. We're going to try and find some ornaments tomorrow to put a few down around the plants. Nothing too much but just something to decorate and give us something to look at and remember.

My MIL came round tonight after her holiday, we had a cry together in the garden when I showed her the flowers. It was nice to speak to her and offload, we've never really had anything emotional happen but it was lovely having her here to speak to. 

Xxx


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## LDC

Thank you everyone, 

I feel like my sense of time is completely warped. Everything seems so long ago but also that it was yesterday. I have to keep reminding myself that it was only Sunday. 

I've still not managed to look at the pictures, but I have opened up a lot to oh and to one of my best friends which has helped me to try and not let the grief build up. 

I've been focussing on our garden too and giving Reuben somewhere beautiful to rest. I'm really happy with how it looks so far.

The chaplain called today to discuss what kind of funeral we would like, I think we're going to have an individual service but the hospital plot. They also said that we can put something in Reuben's coffin so I think we're going to put in a picture of oh, dd and I and a teddy. I think I'm going to write a letter too after reading a lot of people having done this. I get a lot of comfort from thinking about it, despite the heartbreak I think the letter will bring. 

The bereavement midwife also came over this evening, she was lovely. We spoke about my guilt for not seeing Reuben and she made a lot of sense about how things impact on mothers and fathers. We also spoke about us having a consultation once the PM results come but that this won't be until late October/ November time. That would be our due date :( 

We said we wouldn't ttc until we had the PM results come through, but now this could be another 3 months it feels like a long time to wait. I know it's not...but it feels like it. I was hoping to ttc before that. Now I feel confused about it. 

Xx


----------



## lizlemon

We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again. 
One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx


----------



## LDC

lizlemon said:


> We had the private funeral too but it was a cremation so we got the ashes too. It took ages to find out about what exactly was wrong with our baby (T13) we started ttc about 3 months after the loss as I was ready. I'm not sure what country you are in, we did pay for a genetic screen on is to check we did not carry mosaicism of chromosome 13. Which we didn't have. Most trisomies are completely random and should never occur for you again.
> One thing we do to remember our little girl is to release a balloon each on her birthday, first year on her due date too, it's quite therapeutic xxx

Oh the balloon idea is beautiful. I can see how that would be therapeutic, it's a lovely way to remember. 

I'm in the UK, essentially they said we'd be referred onto genetics if it comes back as something. I do think the fluid was an isolated incident as nothing else was picked up at my additional scan and they said everything else on baby looked normal (even more heartbreaking). From what I've read, hydrocephalus is on average, a 1 in 1000 chance for the average joe. In my head I think I'd just thought once we can have intercourse again we would just see what happens and what will be will be. I kinda crave that intimacy already, but think that's more wanting to be close to my oh after everything. I don't know if I'm just being irresponsible. 3 months isn't a massively long time, it just feels like it. I kinda just wanted to go with what felt right? 

Xx


----------



## ceve

LDC,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now. 

Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment! 

Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...

Hugs, Cee


----------



## lizlemon

I'm in the uk too, we lost our little girl just before Christmas 2011 and we also had to wait ages. I think her body was released about 5 weeks later and the gentetic tests came back about 3 months later. The wait is a killer. One way we found solace was to go to Rome on a mini break during half term (I was a teacher at the time) and it made me realise life can be good again xxx


----------



## LDC

lizlemon said:


> I'm in the uk too, we lost our little girl just before Christmas 2011 and we also had to wait ages. I think her body was released about 5 weeks later and the gentetic tests came back about 3 months later. The wait is a killer. One way we found solace was to go to Rome on a mini break during half term (I was a teacher at the time) and it made me realise life can be good again xxx

I'm sorry for your loss :hugs:, especially just before Xmas. I think the wait is going to send me over the edge a little bit if I'm honest. I think we will ntnp if I'm honest in the mean time, or at least after af has arrived. Otherwise were likely to have another baby around the same time Reuben was due and I really couldn't handle that. He was due a week before Dds 3rd birthday. I was kinda hoping to catch again before the end of the year to at least try for a summer baby. I just don't know if I'm being irresponsible if by some miracle I was able to catch before the genetics come back xx


----------



## Jessicahide

After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!


----------



## lizlemon

I caught approx 4 months after the loss - surprised as we had done ivf for the last 2 years.... My Edd was around same time as my loss date, that was hard as the first anniversary was 10 days after Eve's birth. I have to say the pregnancy was wracked full of guilt of wanting a new baby and then dealing with a new born and the anniversary was very hard and a bit of a mind f&&k. However that eased off quickly for me and eve helped healed my heart for me.

Also I was never seen by a brevment midwife and if I wanted councilling it would have been up to me to find, plus I had to be strong for dh who did not cope well with our loss and I needed to be the strong one...... I'm glad time has now passed though it bubbles back to the surface every now and again esp when you have to go through it with medical people with this new pregnacy xxx


----------



## LDC

Jessicahide said:


> After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!

I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird. 

Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset Xxx


----------



## LDC

lizlemon said:


> I caught approx 4 months after the loss - surprised as we had done ivf for the last 2 years.... My Edd was around same time as my loss date, that was hard as the first anniversary was 10 days after Eve's birth. I have to say the pregnancy was wracked full of guilt of wanting a new baby and then dealing with a new born and the anniversary was very hard and a bit of a mind f&&k. However that eased off quickly for me and eve helped healed my heart for me.
> 
> Also I was never seen by a brevment midwife and if I wanted councilling it would have been up to me to find, plus I had to be strong for dh who did not cope well with our loss and I needed to be the strong one...... I'm glad time has now passed though it bubbles back to the surface every now and again esp when you have to go through it with medical people with this new pregnacy xxx

That's amazing to have conceived so quickly. Thank you for sharing how you felt, I think that's all the things that oh is worried about. I feel like I need a focus point, especially with Reuben being so so wanted. I don't want to be scared of trying again, even though I think I'll always be scared if I were to fall pregnant again, particularly losing Reuben so late on. 

I'm so glad Eve helped the healing process xx


----------



## LDC

ceve said:


> LDC,
> 
> Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.
> 
> Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!
> 
> Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...
> 
> Hugs, Cee

It definitely doesn't sound crazy, I found it comforting last night to be close with oh and just be "normal" although it did also make me strangely emotional too. I'm going to wait until the bleeding stops to have full sex, no one mentioned this to me so thank you for sharing what you were told, it really helps. The bleeding seems to have slowed down a little now, I'm hoping by the end of the week it will have stopped. 

It's a week today since I went into hospital to deliver - I can't understand where the time has gone, yet the memory is like I could be delivering again right this second if I close my eyes. 

I saw a family member this morning with their newborn. Gah it broke my heart. 

Xx


----------



## Jessicahide

LDC said:


> Jessicahide said:
> 
> 
> After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!
> 
> I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird.
> 
> Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset XxxClick to expand...

 To be honest I think Alexander is the reason I survived, I was terrified the whole time and I felt like at any main I would lose him too, even after he was here but, I don't know where I would have been without him, I had so much love and mybabby was gone soi spent my days feeling like my heart would give up because it was so broken, I screamed and sobbed when AF arrived.... I just couldn't face what had happened with the emptiness .I was pregnant in 8 weeks after losing Frazer, but it was the longest 8 weeks of my life...


----------



## LDC

Jessicahide said:


> LDC said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jessicahide said:
> 
> 
> After we lost frazer I was a mum with no baby and it was so overwhelming I had to get pregnant asap, it as hard as essentially I was pregnant for two years and it took its toll emotionally and physically but it was the only choice for me.. Frazer was born 30 Aug 2005 and Alexander was born 11 July 2006!
> 
> I think I feel the same in a way, in terms of it being the choice. I guess I'm just worried if the genetics turn round and say that it's something that could happen again and how I'd feel with the guilt of that. I spoke to oh about it yesterday in bed - he said for me to let him know when I'm ready to be intimate again. I think I'm ready now, but can't because of the bleeding, I just want that closeness. I told him that I don't want to use protection when we do - we never have before (well I was on the pill but I'm not going to go back on that when we want to ttc) and it seems a bit weird.
> 
> Did it affect you conceiving so soon after Frazer? Think oh is worried about me being upset XxxClick to expand...
> 
> To be honest I think Alexander is the reason I survived, I was terrified the whole time and I felt like at any main I would lose him too, even after he was here but, I don't know where I would have been without him, I had so much love and mybabby was gone soi spent my days feeling like my heart would give up because it was so broken, I screamed and sobbed when AF arrived.... I just couldn't face what had happened with the emptiness .I was pregnant in 8 weeks after losing Frazer, but it was the longest 8 weeks of my life...Click to expand...

I can imagine how long those 8 weeks felt, I'm really hoping af arrives soon after I stop bleeding. Everything is bitter sweet though, my milk came in and it hurt me emotionally, then it went and that hurt too. It's like nothing can win. I think I'll be the same with the bleeding; sad that it's here because of what it means but then sad when it goes and knowing my body has recovered. It's so surreal. 

I'm so glad you have Alexander, he sounds like your saviour and I'm thrilled for you, especially after losing Frazer. 

It's been a week today since Reuben was born, feeling strange today. It's the first day I've agreed to see anyone who isn't family (I've literally seen my dad and my in laws) and I know I need to push through and see people. There are still friends who don't even know because I've not seen them or told them. I just keep going back to last week in my head, it's difficult. 

Xx


----------



## lizlemon

Big hug, very early days still and will be hard for a few weeks, things like going shopping get you as you suddenly see hundreds of preggos around, sometimes you feel the world will implode. But day by day you get stronger, try to tell people ASAP as each time it takes it all up again, we waited till after Xmas to tell people and it was hard xxx


----------



## Jessicahide

Don't push yourself too much a week is such a short amount of time! He very much is my saviour its been 10 years this year since Frazer was born and I still have not come to terms with it! None of us ever will xxxx how died you feel seeing others today xx


----------



## LDC

You're right, blinking pregnant people or newborns everywhere! Like some kind of epidemic. I've avoided facebook because I have a few people on there who are near their due date and post every little thing on there, it's annoying. Especially when they're moaning about being tired.... That makes me mad. 

Today wasn't too bad, my friend came over and was actually normal with me (I've had a lot of sympathetic glances recently). I also put some focus into making us a nice dinner that I had to concentrate on which helped and it felt like a treat. 

I need to email work which I really don't want to do. My company has a policy that you must keep in touch with work even if you've got a sick note so that they can essentially say that they're providing me with enough support - I get it but it's stupid. I felt the same when a member of my team was off and I was expected to call them....They can't do anything. I figure I'd rather email than have a phone call.

Do you think I should mention that I've booked to see my dr? My sick note runs out on Friday which is when I've got my drs appointment, I just don't want them to think ill be back - that's if the Dr signs me off. I work as a manager for addiction counsellors and a lot of my work is supporting those addicted to drugs/alcohol and managing my team; so they come to me for clinical supervisions and to offload, I don't think I can handle that at the minute and don't want to be unsupportive to my team or clients xxx


----------



## Jessicahide

To be honest I think if you go to your gp they will sign you off for now.... I took 3 months I think even though I was entitled to full maternity leave I only went back for a few months it was too much for me xx I think it's rather intrusive to expect you to contact them and I think you should be made allowances for as you are grieving a child, you haven't gotten flu. My gp told me to "sod em" when I said they wanted me back at work!


----------



## lizlemon

I was "lucky" as mine happened during Xmas holidays then I was given a week off from school, if I wanted more I would need the dr note (who would have give it to me) I wanted to get back ASAP as I was just a home on my own and needed to keep busy. It was tough esp telling some of my classes that is lost my baby, I cried, they cried too (secondary girls school) but strangely it help me - very different to your work. My friend when she lost her baby at 18werks was off work for 6 weeks. So take the time you need to heal. 
Glad seeing your friend went well today
X


----------



## EmpireBiscuit

Hi LDC, my doctor signed me off for 8 weeks, but it's nowhere near enough, I do a job where I'm very much in the public eye, running training courses, workshops, interviewing people etc. There is no way in hell I could be doing that when I'm liable to burst into tears at any moment, and my concentration is shot to shit anyway with not sleeping and being completely distracted, can't concentrate on a thing.

I need to call our HR today and tell them I'm extending my sick leave until after my ante natal checkup and PM results appointment. Even then I don't know if I will manage to return to work (in 3 weeks time), the people I work with give no let up in the pregnancy/baby banter I know this from experience (two losses last year and they still spoke babies in front of me and TO me the week I returned from MC).

What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that going back too early can be damaging to your recovery, and it does depend on the job you're going into and the environment, yours sounds full on at the best of times.


----------



## LDC

Thank you empire, hearing your experience has been really useful. I think my worries too are that if the PM results don't arrive for another 3 months is that I'll end up back at work and all of it will continue to arise if that makes sense? It's like a count down to that date. 

I'm so very sorry that your work mates were so oblivious to the obvious harm that they were doing to you - people are so blind sighted at times, it's disappointing and frustrating to think people can't think about the impact they have on others. But then I guess it's the naivity of never having gone through a loss. That and the fact that people just don't think. 

It's changed my opinions of things for sure, like with me avoiding facebook. I'd love to write a status of "gosh I'm soooo tired from being sooooo close to my due date". Even though I never did that before (I'm not one for putting my life story on there) it would certainly make me reconsider now, knowing that it is likely that someone on there could have gone through a loss, at any stage of their pregnancy - I know for sure that I have one friend on there who miscarried around 8 weeks and 2 others whose babies were born sleeping at full term. 

Tmi alert.... I passed what I think was tissue today (like a piece of liver), it was maybe a bit bigger than the size of a 50p piece. Do you think it's normal? I remember losing that when I had dd by c section however it was huge, I showed the nurse at the time (I was still in hospital, think it was a day after she was born) and I got told that it was ok but she took it away to look at. I haven't had any cramping or anything, nor any additional blood loss to what I had before. Just seems a bit bizarre to happen a week later? Do you think this could signal the end of my bleeding? Yesterday I lost hardly anything.

Xx


----------



## lizlemon

I was told anything large like a satsuma you should call up about it. In a second tri loss it is common for some of the placenta to not come away completely, which in worst case scenario can lead to very heavy bleeding. This happen to a friend about a month after her loss, so may not be picked up really quickly. So 50p size is ok in my opinion but I'm not a dr xxx


----------



## LDC

Thanks, definitely not as big as a satsuma! I had a retained placenta so maybe thats the last part, like you say. Ill keep an eye out, ive got the dr on friday too. Ive had minimal bleeding since so I hope thats the end of the bleeding then I can just focus on af arriving :( xxx


----------



## EmpireBiscuit

I also passed a little bit of tissue in first AF a week or so ago, and also had retained placenta after delivery, hopefully that's it now. I don't get a post natal check up until 10 weeks after delivery so idk what to do really :shrug:

The level of care in the NHS where I live is pants:growlmad:


----------



## ceve

LDC said:


> ceve said:
> 
> 
> LDC,
> 
> Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.
> 
> Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!
> 
> Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...
> 
> Hugs, Cee
> 
> It definitely doesn't sound crazy, I found it comforting last night to be close with oh and just be "normal" although it did also make me strangely emotional too. I'm going to wait until the bleeding stops to have full sex, no one mentioned this to me so thank you for sharing what you were told, it really helps. The bleeding seems to have slowed down a little now, I'm hoping by the end of the week it will have stopped.
> 
> It's a week today since I went into hospital to deliver - I can't understand where the time has gone, yet the memory is like I could be delivering again right this second if I close my eyes.
> 
> I saw a family member this morning with their newborn. Gah it broke my heart.
> 
> XxClick to expand...

Hey LDC,
Wondering how you're doing these days? DH and I decided to get away for a week after the funeral last Friday; it has helped not to be in the same bedroom where I was so sick the weeks before delivering... 

I feel the same way about time. It is so strange to think that I lost the twins on 7/7 and it is already 7/24. It makes me so sad, actually, to see the time slipping by. A girlfriend of mine was about 1 month behind me in her pregnancy. She must be catching up to me now. Except I'm actually behind her... Is it awful to be strangely jealous of pregnant women and women with babies? I too went into the hospital to get my pathology records and there were women leaving with newborns EVERYWHERE! :nope: I didn't know what to do with myself... :cry:

How are you making it through now?


----------



## LDC

EmpireBiscuit said:


> I also passed a little bit of tissue in first AF a week or so ago, and also had retained placenta after delivery, hopefully that's it now. I don't get a post natal check up until 10 weeks after delivery so idk what to do really :shrug:
> 
> The level of care in the NHS where I live is pants:growlmad:

That is rubbish, could you book in with the Dr? The hospital didn't even say anything about a follow up for me, but I booked in with my dr today (I needed a sick note) and she did a check of my stomach and general physical and emotional health. She also asked me to book in in 3-4 weeks time with her before I left. Might be an idea for you too? Xxx


----------



## LDC

ceve said:


> LDC said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ceve said:
> 
> 
> LDC,
> 
> Thank you so much for your reply to my post this morning. Hearing someone tell me I can make it through this funeral means a lot right now.
> 
> Our OB said we could have intercourse as soon as the bleeding stopped (didn't put an exact date on it). We started being intimate (without vaginal sex) within a couple of days after birth. I know, it sounds crazy, but I was feeling so, so alone and even just kissing, etc. was so comforting to me (and DH). I really don't think it's irresponsible to be (at least mildly) intimate at the moment!
> 
> Just a thought on that comment ;-). So, you are waiting on the autopsy results before organizing a funeral? That must be so hard, just to be in limbo like that. Gardening sounds like a great activity though! At least it gets you outside a bit. I have mostly been in our bedroom or cleaning the house. I should get out too...
> 
> Hugs, Cee
> 
> It definitely doesn't sound crazy, I found it comforting last night to be close with oh and just be "normal" although it did also make me strangely emotional too. I'm going to wait until the bleeding stops to have full sex, no one mentioned this to me so thank you for sharing what you were told, it really helps. The bleeding seems to have slowed down a little now, I'm hoping by the end of the week it will have stopped.
> 
> It's a week today since I went into hospital to deliver - I can't understand where the time has gone, yet the memory is like I could be delivering again right this second if I close my eyes.
> 
> I saw a family member this morning with their newborn. Gah it broke my heart.
> 
> XxClick to expand...
> 
> Hey LDC,
> Wondering how you're doing these days? DH and I decided to get away for a week after the funeral last Friday; it has helped not to be in the same bedroom where I was so sick the weeks before delivering...
> 
> I feel the same way about time. It is so strange to think that I lost the twins on 7/7 and it is already 7/24. It makes me so sad, actually, to see the time slipping by. A girlfriend of mine was about 1 month behind me in her pregnancy. She must be catching up to me now. Except I'm actually behind her... Is it awful to be strangely jealous of pregnant women and women with babies? I too went into the hospital to get my pathology records and there were women leaving with newborns EVERYWHERE! :nope: I didn't know what to do with myself... :cry:
> 
> How are you making it through now?Click to expand...

Hi Cee, 

I'm glad you managed to get away for a week, it's nice to get away from everything and try and concentrate on being together and try and gain some happiness. 

I'm ok, ish. Up I went to see my dr this morning as I'm due back at work on Monday and honestly can't face it. We're still waiting to hear back from the chaplain about a funeral, I think he will call next week as it's been two weeks Sunday since I delivered Reuben. I couldn't face going into work knowing I'm just waiting for that call, the Dr was really nice and signed me off for a while longer which I'm grateful for. 

I am exactly the same about the jealousy of other pregnant people / newborns, I'm am 100% the same. We went shopping to get Reuben a blanket for him to be buried with and all around were baby clothes - it broke my heart to think that this should be a happy time and not the sad event that it is. Life is cruel, beyond cruel. 

Xxxx


----------



## EmpireBiscuit

LDC said:


> n't even say anything about a follow up for me, but I booked in with my dr today (I needed a sick note) and she did a check of my stomach and general physical and emotional health. She also asked me to book in in 3-4 weeks time with her before I left. Might be an idea for you too? Xxx

My own doctor is on long term sick leave, just been getting random locums, but I need to go back for another sick note in the next week so I'll ask then :shrug: 

Been a rough weekend, returning to some kind of normality feels a long way away at the moment.


----------



## Jessicahide

Hello girls, how is everyone xxxxxx


----------



## LDC

Hi Jessica 

Been a bit up and down for me the past couple of days, oh has returned to work now so it's odd being without him. I've took comfort in seeing a couple of close friends and being a housewife in a strange kind of way. Think I've enjoyed trying to take care of oh in a way, like being able to get his work shirts ironed for him, making him lunch and dinner. Is that odd? 

I've still not heard anything about when the funeral will be though which I'm struggling with, I thought we would have heard this by now. Do you think I'd be able to see my baby when he goes to the funeral director? We brought a blanket for him and a comforter and I think I'd like to go and see him and be able to put these with him myself. Especially as I didn't see him in the hospital. 

How are you doing? Xx


----------



## lizlemon

Hello, if you phone the funeral director once you know who is conducting it for you (hospital should be able to tell you) they can arrange lo so you can see them and put your blanket in too xxx


----------



## LDC

Thanks lizle - I know the directors the hospital use but I have no idea if reuben is back from PM yet which is really upsetting. I'm Going to give the hospital chaplain a call tomorrow and see if they can chase things up for me, I really thought he'd be back by now xx


----------



## lizlemon

I'm afraid my lo pm took weeks....unfortunately they are often low down in priority list :( the Chaplin will help I'm sure xxx


----------



## Jessicahide

LDC said:


> Hi Jessica
> 
> Been a bit up and down for me the past couple of days, oh has returned to work now so it's odd being without him. I've took comfort in seeing a couple of close friends and being a housewife in a strange kind of way. Think I've enjoyed trying to take care of oh in a way, like being able to get his work shirts ironed for him, making him lunch and dinner. Is that odd?
> 
> I've still not heard anything about when the funeral will be though which I'm struggling with, I thought we would have heard this by now. Do you think I'd be able to see my baby when he goes to the funeral director? We brought a blanket for him and a comforter and I think I'd like to go and see him and be able to put these with him myself. Especially as I didn't see him in the hospital.
> 
> How are you doing? Xx


No that doesn't sound odd at all xxx the funeral director will tell you if you can see your baby or not, they let us see Frazer but she told me not to pick him up! I am surprised you haven't heard anything yet seems a very long time, would you feel comfortable giving them a call? We placed a PIC of myself and my husband, a little teddy and a blanket in with the baby, my husband placed the PIC and said he " will forever have his hand on his mummy" still makes me cry thinking of how thoughtful that was of him! I am feeling OK, its coming up to his birthday so its a hard time of year but I am keeping positive xxx


----------



## LDC

I managed to email the chaplain today and within an hour the bereavement midwife had called letting me know that our baby is back at the hospital. I have arranged to go and see him on Monday, which brings me some comfort. 

We are also going to put a picture of us with our baby, my husband thought of that and I think it's nice to think that we are altogether. That's lovely of your husband and his words are so comforting, they must bring you a lot of warmth. 

Happy birthday to your beautiful baby, I'm thinking of you all and I hope the day goes as smoothly as it possibly can. 

Xxxxx


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## Jessicahide

At least you know where he is now x must be a relief! Its funny how men think alike, we worry they won't have a blanket and they think of the profound x thank you darling, this will be the first birthday of his that I am pregnant so its going to be hard.... Especially as its his 10th too! I will be thinking of you a lot,the next few weeks are going to be very hard xxx


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