# feeling so sad today



## nicksi27

its now been four weeks since i lost my son at 20 weeks (no hb on scan). I just feel shattered. I used to come on here everyday at work on the second trimester board - its my first day back at work today and it feels like its hitting me all over again. flashbacks of the scanning room, flashbacks of how excited we were before the scan, flashbacks of my last 'pregnant' day at work when people kept feeling my belly etc. I feel like a complete failure - our baby was perfect and now hes buried its just not fair. i cant stand looking at pregnant women and then hate myself for feeling so jealous of them. i just feel like once a failure, always a failure im never gonna be a mammy. i have his room at home with a crib, moses basket, clothes, nappies and no baby - i ache for him. im sorry i just need to vent, i cant sleep, i cant eat and now im back at work putting on a fake happy face and wishing people would stop saying 'it was one of those things'. hang on if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt be 'one of those things' so when my baby dies why is it acceptable to say that aarrghghhh xx


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## collie_crazy

I'm so sorry :hugs: People really can say such insensitive things when you lose your baby... I dont think they mean to be bad, I guess they dont know what to say so say the first thing that comes to mind. You're right though people would be much more tactful if you lost a parent or spouse, but lose a baby they never got to meet and they say the most awful things. 

You have went back to work incredibly early. Your grief is still so raw. I know some people prefer to try and get back to normality but it might just be thats its too much too soon for you. I was signed off work for 11 weeks after losing my little girl and I still struggled and broke down in tears when I returned. 

I also found it incredibly hard to be around other pregnant woman... and would stare after them in the street silently screaming inside 'why me, why not her, what did I do wrong?' but the truth is we did nothing wrong - we didn't choose this, and we would do anything to have them back. Sometimes there just are no answers as to why :( I'm 22 weeks pregnant now with my rainbow and I still have a hard time seeing other pregnant woman! And newborn babies, especially ones who I know would be at the same age my little girl should be.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve - just take your time and get through each day :hugs: We are here for you whenever you want to chat, cry or vent :hugs:

Did you name your little boy? We named our little girl Emily :flower:


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## WantingABubba

:hugs:


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## nicksi27

collie_crazy said:


> I'm so sorry :hugs: People really can say such insensitive things when you lose your baby... I dont think they mean to be bad, I guess they dont know what to say so say the first thing that comes to mind. You're right though people would be much more tactful if you lost a parent or spouse, but lose a baby they never got to meet and they say the most awful things.
> 
> You have went back to work incredibly early. Your grief is still so raw. I know some people prefer to try and get back to normality but it might just be thats its too much too soon for you. I was signed off work for 11 weeks after losing my little girl and I still struggled and broke down in tears when I returned.
> 
> I also found it incredibly hard to be around other pregnant woman... and would stare after them in the street silently screaming inside 'why me, why not her, what did I do wrong?' but the truth is we did nothing wrong - we didn't choose this, and we would do anything to have them back. Sometimes there just are no answers as to why :( I'm 22 weeks pregnant now with my rainbow and I still have a hard time seeing other pregnant woman! And newborn babies, especially ones who I know would be at the same age my little girl should be.
> 
> There is no right or wrong way to grieve - just take your time and get through each day :hugs: We are here for you whenever you want to chat, cry or vent :hugs:
> 
> Did you name your little boy? We named our little girl Emily :flower:

thank you for your reply. Emily is a nice name :) we named our little boy jacob. i know i have came back to work early - i work with much older women and i feel like they have bullied me into coming back telling me 'its the best place for me'. i feel guilty when im off but seriously i cant handle this im thinking of getting another sicknote. they dont have any idea what this is like. they are chatting about last nights tv etc and i just feel like screaming 'hang on my baby has died and youre talking about tv'. i know other peoples lives dont stop because mine has but i shouldnt have come back here today. i know they all mean well - maybe im just not ready. plus i cant sleep at night so im getting 2-3 hours max. ive been up since 3am and i feel so drained. Everything reminds me of being pregnant with jacob i cant stop thinking about his 12 week scan pic after he had been jumping about and was perfect. its like emotional self harm. 

Good luck with your rainbow - how has your pregnancy been so far have you been calm. have you had more checks etc? dont mean to be nosey just wondering if you have had better care. i want to TTC asap but the thought of entering another scanning room to be told there is no HB terrifies me - i dont know if ive got it in me xx


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## collie_crazy

Only you can decide where is the best place for you to be right now, please dont let anyone bully you into going back to work early. People assume we need to 'get over it' but what they can never realise is we will never truly get over losing our babies. Yes we will learn to walk taller, breath easier and not let our grief consume us but there is no time limit as to how long this should take. So if you need more time speak to your doctor and get that other sick line. I too felt guilty for being off work but then I though what thanks would I get for going back! And I can tell you it wasnt very much! 

My pregnancy is going well now but we had a big scare at the beginning. I have been anything but calm and at times I can feel my anxiety going through the roof - especially leading up to scans etc. Although we didnt find out our baby had died at a scan we did find out she had terrible problems and subsequent scans showed that she was in heart failure and her body was giving up so I too have an awful fear of scan rooms. At my 21 week scan I was in the same room as an awful scan I had had with my daughter and I broke down in tears as soon as I walked in - its funny how something as mundane as a room can invoke such strong feelings :( in total I have had 8 scans this pregnancy so far. This is partly due to the problems we had at the beginning, partly because of my previous loss and partly as reassurance for my anxiety! 

I have been seeing a clinical psychologist since 10 weeks after my loss and I continue to see her now. She has really helped me realise that what I am going through is normal and I am not alone. She helps me cope with my anxiety because I had been really struggling. I have never done anything like it before but I would totally recommend it if you are able to. She has honestly been so helpful - just to have someone you can talk to about your baby, your hopes and dreams and your feelings and emotions without them gettibg emotional themselves or not really wanting totalk about it. 

I hope work is easier for you today :hugs:


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## Miss Mitch

nicksi27 said:


> its now been four weeks since i lost my son at 20 weeks (no hb on scan). I just feel shattered. I used to come on here everyday at work on the second trimester board - its my first day back at work today and it feels like its hitting me all over again. flashbacks of the scanning room, flashbacks of how excited we were before the scan, flashbacks of my last 'pregnant' day at work when people kept feeling my belly etc. I feel like a complete failure - our baby was perfect and now hes buried its just not fair. i cant stand looking at pregnant women and then hate myself for feeling so jealous of them. i just feel like once a failure, always a failure im never gonna be a mammy. i have his room at home with a crib, moses basket, clothes, nappies and no baby - i ache for him. im sorry i just need to vent, i cant sleep, i cant eat and now im back at work putting on a fake happy face and wishing people would stop saying 'it was one of those things'. hang on if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt be 'one of those things' so when my baby dies why is it acceptable to say that aarrghghhh xx

I could have written this myself hunny, i'm so sorry for ur loss :hugs: I lost Olivia at 21+5 weeks xxxxxxx


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## Sapphire909

I don't have much advice as my grief is raw too, just wanted to say I understand how you're feeling and sending you :hug: :hugs:


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## collie_crazy

How are you doing Nicksi? :hugs:


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## jennijunni

I am so sorry. These are the early days, and they are so hard, and it seems like the pain never ends, and that it will never get better. I rememeber the flashbacks, and the pain, and just complete sorrow. I am so sorry for you and your little Jacob. Lots and lots of hugs.


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## nicksi27

collie_crazy said:


> How are you doing Nicksi? :hugs:

Hi collie_crazy im feeling better now, well not better but its like im accepting things more now. a few weeks ago whenever i woke up on a morning it would hit me all over again and id be sad that i ever woke up at all to be honest. i have days when im angry and upset then ok days when it doesnt consume me. i sat and looked at his photos the other night and had a good cry but im glad i got to hold him and kiss him. 

Im waiting for my results from the hospital at the moment - theyre checking me for sticky blood. the pm results found that jacob was healthy apart from being small because the placenta wasnt feeding him properly. that makes me feel like a failure to him but ive just got to remember that it was out of my control. 

how are you? hows your pregnancy going? youre little rainbow baby will be here before you know it :hugs:


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## lch28

im so sorry for your loss, it is the most heart breaking thing. i lost my baby girl at 24 weeks on February 28th due to an incompetent cervix. Financially, i couldn't afford to take off more then 4 weeks and it is so hard to work as well. I am anxious the whole time im here, the minute i leave im anxious again because i know i have to do it all again tomorrow. =[ hang in there. i know exactly what you mean about pregnant women and babys, i almost feel like i keep my eyes peeled for them, only to stare and feel my heart break a little more. i just want that so badly to be me. i keep thinking how many weeks pregnant i would be.. today id be 30 . im here if you need to ever talk.


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