# Important dates



## bluestars

I Recently lost my twin boys at 20 weeks on the first of Feb this year. Still can't believe that they have gone. I feel like the days and weeks since they have gone have just flew past and cant believe its the end of May already. I don't know about anyone else but it is still so hard. Last week Harris and Hamish where due to be brought into this world early last week. People have said that due dates and important dates are hard, no one told me how hard they actually are. 

I feel like I'm comparing everything i do each day with "what i should be doing" or "where is should be with my boys". I have there full term due date now coming up and Im worried that I will break down again. I want to make my boys proud.


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## Andypanda6570

I am so sorry for your losses :cry: :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I lost my Ava at 22 weeks , we buried her on 3-11-2011/ The first year is the hardest and everything you are feeling now i felt, we all feel, it is perfectly normal. The first year the 6 month the 2nd year, Christmas and so on/ It has taken me almost 2 yrs to finally be able to smile again and live a little.
it it devastating and although this pain never ever leaves it does get better. 
It is only 4 months into your loss so your emotions will be all over the place, just remember it is totally normal. There is no wrong way to grieve.
And your boys are proud of you already :hugs::hugs: If you ever need to talk I am always around.. Andrea XOooXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## bluestars

Thanks Andrea, it's the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Sometimes I feel bad for feeling down and things because I think the people around me think I should be back to normal again. I'm still finding it difficult to talk to my partner about it because we both just break down. Seeing him hurt breaks me hurt more. Some times I feel like he doesn't feel the pain I do or shouldn't because I carried them. Which is terrible because they where his too! Did you ever feel this ? Xxxxx <3


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## Andypanda6570

Yes , men definitely get over this faster than us. They feel in 6 months we should be over it, they don't get that we will never get over it until we die/
We carried these babies , heard their heartbeat, there are and always will be a part of us. I don't think it is that they don't care I just think they truly do not know the depth of this grief, it just never leaves// XOXOXOXOO


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## bluestars

I'm sorry about your little Ava, Andrea. It's nice to hear that I'm not alone in this. I have got more support from people on here than i did from hospitals and friends. 
We have decided that we are going try again. Hopefully our little angels will help us and look over us if we are lucky enough to blessed with a new bundle. Do you feel you will try again ? X
<3 <3 xoxoxoxoxo


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## Andypanda6570

No I wont be trying again. I already had 3 boys 21, 19 and 12 when on accident at the age of 40 I got pregnant. We were not planning to have anymore but I was overjoyed when I did find out that I was pregnant and I didn't even care really if it was another boy. Then to find out it was finally my little girl Ava , I can't even tell you the feeling I had . But I am 42 now and I just don't feel I can ever risk another loss, it literally almost killed me.. Everything happens for a reason and hopefully one day I will have a ton of Granddaughters . Ava's memory I will always keep alive, she lives on in my heart and soul. I will never understand why she was taken, but I have accepted it..XOXOXOOX


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## bluestars

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Your so strong. Your Ava and your boys will be very proud of you. And to come and offer support to others is amazing. I do believe thing happen for a reason. I dont think i have accepted why my boys had to be taken though. But hopefully one day i will. My Grandad (who i was very close too) passed away 4 days after the boys and i get a little peace knowing that they have an amazing man to help raise them and look after them. Just wish it could have been different. 

<3 <3 <3


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## Andypanda6570

bluestars said:


> :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
> 
> Your so strong. Your Ava and your boys will be very proud of you. And to come and offer support to others is amazing. I do believe thing happen for a reason. I dont think i have accepted why my boys had to be taken though. But hopefully one day i will. My Grandad (who i was very close too) passed away 4 days after the boys and i get a little peace knowing that they have an amazing man to help raise them and look after them. Just wish it could have been different.
> 
> <3 <3 <3

I am so sorry about your Grandad, this is a lot of loss in such little time :cry:
I think I have just accepted that Ava is gone , but I will never accept that she was taken, I know that is hard to understand, but that is how I feel. I hate coming to this section and seeing another loss, it just breaks me . Ava would be 2 in July.. My SIL also had 3 boys older and when I got pregnant she got pregnant, even though she said she wanted no more. She had her girl in November and I didn't know what I was going to do being around a newborn, but i knew I had to face it. The she broke my heart and named her baby my Angels's name :cry: we had a huge fight and she told me to get over it, now we don't talk and I have never seen her baby. She broke my heart and I will never forgive her for this, it was like another loss all over again XOXOO


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## bluestars

Thats not right ! She should have respected you and her niece by not doing that! I think i would feel the the same. My stepmom told me the day i gave birth to my boys that she was pregnant. Although im happy for her i dont think she told me at the right time. Im worrying for her also and im secretly hoping she has a girl. I think a boy would be hard to see grow up knowing thay my boys should have been here. 
Its such a shame that you have never met your niece but it was terrible that she pick your daughters name and she doesnt fully understand why that hurts soo much. 

:hug: i hope one day it can all be resolved. Im sure your niece is missing out on a fantastic aunt. :hug:

Xxxx


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## Andypanda6570

bluestars said:


> Thats not right ! She should have respected you and her niece by not doing that! I think i would feel the the same. My stepmom told me the day i gave birth to my boys that she was pregnant. Although im happy for her i dont think she told me at the right time. Im worrying for her also and im secretly hoping she has a girl. I think a boy would be hard to see grow up knowing thay my boys should have been here.
> Its such a shame that you have never met your niece but it was terrible that she pick your daughters name and she doesnt fully understand why that hurts soo much.
> 
> :hug: i hope one day it can all be resolved. Im sure your niece is missing out on a fantastic aunt. :hug:
> 
> Xxxx

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Thanks SO much XOX


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious boys. I gave birth to my twin girls at 23 weeks in June 2011, almost two years ago. 

All those important dates etc were so hard, I found most other people didnt understand, but found friendship and comfort from speaking to others who had been through the same thing, like the lovely Andrea, that's what got me through.

I think men deal with it differently, they often don't have the same bond we do while pregnant, it doesnt feel real to them yet, and I think sometimes they feel they need to be strong too. I was broken for months after losing my girls, i still am, but it becomes easier to cope with the grief. 

Two years later though , I am still very touchy about anything twin related. I'm not sure that will ever go away. I've found it helpful to be able to speak to other twin mummies about those emotions so I'm always here if you want to talk in this forum or by PM. Xx


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