# How bad is it raising a child without knowing it's father?



## trinaestella

So basically, I have got pregnant with my ex boyfriend who is a muslim, but the thing is he doesn't want me to keep the baby. And then he says he wants me to keep it and turn it muslim and he wants it to be a boy, he just keeps giving me mixed signals about what he wants.

And then he's telling me to abort again because he doesn't know how his child is going to meet his parents and blah blah. I think his family are racist to be honest, and they certainly won't accept me because I am not muslim :cry:

Do you think I should just get rid of him out of my life forever and let me raise my baby on my own? I just don't know how she/he will grow without having or knowing it's dad?

Me personally I don't know my biological parents, but I am fine but that is only because I have been adopted into a loving home... I am just worried and I need help, I feel like the only person going through it.:sad2::(


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## whoops

:hugs:

My LO hasn't met her dad yet - he wasn't able to deal with me being pregnant at all and it was easier for both of us to cut contact. He pays maintenance but I don't know when, if ever, he'll want more.

It's hard but you know, once your LO is here, you find that you just get on with things. I know that one day, my LO will ask me where her dad is but until that day comes along, I just carry on as normal. Plenty of kids do grow up without knowing their dad and while it's not an ideal situation, once they get plenty of love from their mum and the rest of their family, they're fine. 

And you never know - you might meet someone in the future who's happy to take you and your LO on.


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## anna matronic

^^^^^^^^^^^ As above. Evan has never seen his dad. As it stands he won't either. his choice not mine, not that I care much, I run him over if I saw him lol!!

But it is a case of bringing up my son as best I can and deal with it when the time comes x


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## teal

My LO has never met his "dad" My ex doesn't even know that he had a son (his choice, not mine - he cut all contact)

Sending you lots of hugs :hugs: xx


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## Lovelymummy

Having an on again off again dad would be worse. My kids dad is very inconsistent about wanting to be in their lives and it just confuses them.


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## moomin_troll

i grew up not knowing my dad as he really wasnt bothered but my mum always told us about him and really he was a total waste of space and im happy he wasnt in my life!

really it is only u who can make this choice and if FOB is trying to get u to have abortions then he doesnt seem worth it.


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## sophxx

if hes a rubbish dad and in and out of los life then your lo doesnt need someone like him

as for his family not accepting you thats really tough situation and i feel for your ex there to as they have so much family pressure and its hard to break away. my df is a muslim and our lo doesnt see his grandma or auties uncles on that side as we wasnt a arranged marrigae and were from two different cultures. he does see one uncle auntie and cousin which is nice but he has his dad thats what matters. would your ex not step up to the plate and be a dad with out having the pressure of telling his parents or them seeing lo? as for you being a muslim he dated you knowing what you are so dont be forced to changed me and oh respcet each others opinons and i have read about his religion so i can teach my lo about it

if you ever need to chat pm me x


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## trinaestella

Thank you everyone :cry:

& its so nice to not be alone, I just feel like I am at the moment.


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## v2007

My eldest met her Dad 3 times all when she was a baby and she has never seen him since. 

She is now 11. 

She is fine, never had any problems. 

I am sure she will want to meet him at some point but i will crsoo that bridge when i come to it.

V xxx


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## moomin_troll

i had the chance to meet my dad a yr ago and i thought u bloody wanker! i hadnt seen him ever and now he wants to see me.....i did bother.

i grew up without him so i didnt need him, i never felt like i missed out on anything


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## trinaestella

Awww. You girls :hugs:
You know in every section every one has a boyfriend and is either married, and they are both in a happy stable relationship.

Me and my FOB are currently dating, but it's so complicated and we aren't going to last til next Feb.. it's so sad because the baby is due the day after our 1 year anniversary :( It would be so perfect if we last together :cry:


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## moomin_troll

in a ideal world every child would have a mum and dad who are happily married ect but life doesnt work out that way sometimes, u never no FOB might grow up n u cud end up really happy.
id love my boys to grow up with their dad but they cant for different reasons, they wont no any differently its just me who will be worrying.

relax and just see what happens, ur only 4 weeks ive got loads of time to think about what the future holds


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## trinaestella

moomin_troll said:


> in a ideal world every child would have a mum and dad who are happily married ect but life doesnt work out that way sometimes, u never no FOB might grow up n u cud end up really happy.
> id love my boys to grow up with their dad but they cant for different reasons, they wont no any differently its just me who will be worrying.
> 
> relax and just see what happens, ur only 4 weeks ive got loads of time to think about what the future holds

you're too right! I am only 4 weeks like you said, and it's just early days. I think I have been worrying too much because this is my first pregnancy and ever since I was a younger girl I have always dreamed of having my first child with the boy I love and we end up together forever, but you know not every fairy tale has a happy ending.. so I am going to calm down, and I am going to just watch out for my health and this little embryos health, and I am going to enjoy this pregnancy.:happydance:


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## sineady

My son has not seen his dad since he was 5 weeks old. That was his choice not mine. I dont think he ever will see him either tbh. I do sometimes wish he had a father in his life, but his dad is a total waste of oxygen. I think my son would be better of without him. plus Lewis has my dad as a male role model :)


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## trinaestella

sineady said:


> My son has not seen his dad since he was 5 weeks old. That was his choice not mine. I dont think he ever will see him either tbh. I do sometimes wish he had a father in his life, but his dad is a total waste of oxygen. I think my son would be better of without him. plus Lewis has my dad as a male role model :)

I guess grandaddys are great use aswell, I think my brother would be a better role model for my child but then again my baby is due 3 days before my dads bday so it could go either way lol:shrug:


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## sineady

trinaestella said:


> sineady said:
> 
> 
> My son has not seen his dad since he was 5 weeks old. That was his choice not mine. I dont think he ever will see him either tbh. I do sometimes wish he had a father in his life, but his dad is a total waste of oxygen. I think my son would be better of without him. plus Lewis has my dad as a male role model :)
> 
> I guess grandaddys are great use aswell, I think my brother would be a better role model for my child but then again my baby is due 3 days before my dads bday so it could go either way lol:shrug:Click to expand...

or your baby could be greedy and have both :D honestly though hun don't stress yourself out about it all. what ever happens babba will always have its mothers love :)


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## elsmogro

trinaestella said:


> moomin_troll said:
> 
> 
> in a ideal world every child would have a mum and dad who are happily married ect but life doesnt work out that way sometimes, u never no FOB might grow up n u cud end up really happy.
> id love my boys to grow up with their dad but they cant for different reasons, they wont no any differently its just me who will be worrying.
> 
> relax and just see what happens, ur only 4 weeks ive got loads of time to think about what the future holds
> 
> you're too right! I am only 4 weeks like you said, and it's just early days. I think I have been worrying too much because this is my first pregnancy and ever since I was a younger girl I have always dreamed of having my first child with the boy I love and we end up together forever, but you know not every fairy tale has a happy ending.. so I am going to calm down, and I am going to just watch out for my health and this little embryos health, and I am going to enjoy this pregnancy.:happydance:Click to expand...


I was the same, i thought i would have my first baby with someone i was in love with and we would live happily ever after and all that lol

now i relise that this is my own presonal fairy tale and my happy ending will be me and my daughter living happily ever after...and of course i can take all the credit for my brilliant little one :happydance:

try not to stress, just think about yourself and your little one and you will be fine :) i grew up without a father until my mother married when i was 10 and i was completly fine :) also my biological father is a complete waste of space from what i know about him and my dad who my mum married when i was 10 is a great father and will be an awesome grandfather too :) xxx


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## mommy43

i also believe one loving parent stable home life is better than 2 parents fighting n one in n out all the time


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## trinaestella

Definitely true, if I tell my child why dad wasn't around, what he believed in and how he treated me, I am sure that would be good enough reason for my child to accept that and understand where I am coming from, but I have no argument for him not to see the child.. I doubt he will be around for long and I strongly mean this by the bottom of my heart.


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## mommy43

i think the best thing u can do in that situation is be totaly honest 
once lo grows up explain how u see the situation 
my older childrens dad completely stopped contact about 7yrs ago, i never stopped him it was his choice, as they have grown up they have asked questions n i just gave them age appropriate answers they are now teenagers nearly adults n have always known who their father is n the choice he made
it does make me sad sometimes he missed everything, i had a huge realization a couple of yrs ago my son was run over n was extremely lucky to be alive (he went through the cars windscreen n came out with just bruises!!) that he dosent even know they are alive n well:( how could he not make the effort to atleast find that out for himself??


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## trinaestella

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry about your son thank the LORD he is okay, you truly have been blessed. That sounds so traumatizing to go through, and very scary. So glad your sons okay, but as for the father yes it is his choice and he made it, we can't do anything about it .. although I wish we could just work a magic spell and change their minds, but we can't :nope: 

My FOB could easily get his family to hunt me down, and beat me up so bad that I lose the baby, his family are all thugs and drug dealers, I was such a silly person to mess with him, and I don't want my baby in that mess so I think it's for the best anyway. I'm just scared of the outcome that I am going to get when I have this baby, and the reaction to not having a father, I guess it's just me being a potential mother and worrying. I really am scared for myself and this LO. But I have to trust in myself, and know that everything will be fine, just keep myself healthy and safe... and try not to go places I know he'll be about :thumbup:


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## mommy43

sounds like your lo is definatly better off not knowing his family 
i think no matter the situation we worry about our lo's:) stay strong n keep safe you will do just fine by your lo im sure:)


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## trinaestella

Thank you so so much for your kindness and advice :hugs:


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## Stepie1234

My 8 year old has nvr met her father and doesn't care much she was raised around myself her grandma and aunt only tho so i do with she would've had a male important role in her family. Now my 3 new ones won't know their father either it's not by my choice but if it was i would have left him before they got here becuz i can do the single mom thing and i'm more comfortable with tht too.


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## jocelynmarie

Its a tough situation. FOB wants to be a part of my peanuts life, but he lives in England and I'm in the States... its a long sorted tale that I won't go into.

Anyways, he's coming in for the birth, 2 weeks before I'm due, to start paternity proceedings. I am not allowing him in the hospital for the birth or recovery because he brings me nothing but stress. I've told him he can spend SOME time with him when we are home and settled, but I'm not sharing my maternity time with him.

Then who knows when he'll see him again. Every time, it'll be like introducing my son to a stranger all over again. I think it will be confusing for him and it makes me so sad.


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## Weeplin

Aimee has never met her dad and she is fine hon :hugs:

I also grew up without my father and I am perfectly fine with it and I have never missed it.


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## littlekitten8

James hasn't seen his dad since he was 3 months old. His choice. He will never see him either. He has amazing role models in my brothers and my dad. Sounds like you and your baby will be better off without that kind of stress. Good luck with it all. The ladies in here are awesome x


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## lily2011

Don't worry love. I am single and just now entering the 3rd trimester. I used to worry a lot how FOB doesn't want to be involved and how devastating it will be for my baby to never know her father, but now I don't even want him involved. He has always told me I was "sick" for wanting to bring a child into this world without a father (aka I should have terminated!) so I don't want someone with that mentality around anyways. I will give my daughter so much love, plus my father is so excited to be a granddaddy and I also have hope I will meet a wonderful man one day who is nothing like FOB! So don't worry, you are not alone <3 <3


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## AbbynChloe

I always thought it was important to have A father/father figure in a childs life. I grew up with my alcoholic dad coming in and out of my life. he is currently very ill (due to his alcoholism) and being looked after in a care home. I can honestly say I don't know how I feel about him.

Knowing this I was devastated when Chloe's dad told me he did not want to be involved - just the odd picture and update now and again. I said no. it's not fair on Chloe as we both made her she deserves to know you.

I have learnt since then you cannot force a father to be involved, I do everything in my power to make Chloe feel secure and loved.

At the end of the day, I told Chloe's dad, It could get to the stage where Chloe feels nothing towards you - I hope he can live with that.

I'm sorry I rambled on a bit - I don't think it's bad to raise a child without a father. Its harder but not impossible, millions do it everyday 
xxxxx


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## xJG30

Tom's only seen his dad 3 times in over 2 years.. he doesn't need him and one day you'll meet someone new, who will look after you & LO.


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## Lara+sam+bump

I have never met my Dad and I dont feel like I missed out, sometimes as a child i'd feel jealous of my friends, but at least I never heard arguements and I had plenty of love xx


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## LunaBean

I used a sperm donor and my baby will probably never meet him, I know a few kids who have 'waste of space' dads who come in and out of their lives all the time which is confusing/upsetting for them, so personally I prefer that I wont have that hassle! He'll be able to have contact at 18 if its wanted tho


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## MidnightSun

LunaBean you brave thing you! Can I ask when/what you plan to say to your LO about the father? 

To the OP - in all honesty I think you are best off without him, it doesn't sound like you or your child would ever be accapted, and I don't know about anyone else but as soon as my ex started talking about the 'A' word I told him to piss off, which he did!! As for him saying he wants a boy etc... that's heading into dodgy terrirory. What will he do if your bump is pink then? Walk away?!?!


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## WhiteGeisha

I think it is harder for a child when the absent parent is inconsistent and lets the child down etc. If the child never knows the parent, I don't think they ever feel the hurt or pain they do when they are hurt and let down by the parent they do know. The child will probably ask questions at some point down the line but because they don't know the parent the emotional tie isn't so great so IMO it's less likely to affect them, well not anywhere near as it would if they got to know the parent, loved them, but that parent then wasn't consistent etc. 

Being alone and pregnant is hard and emotional, i've done it! I provided everything on my own and did it all alone. Yes I had family and friends but knowing that the other parent isn't interested cuts really deep, but you got to be strong for your baby, and when LO arrives, you will feel so proud to know you did it all on your own and provided for that child 100%. 

x


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