# Did your religious believes change after losing?



## Lulle

I've never considered myself a Christian, but over the years I've almost always said my prayers every night - and I even remembered thanking when something good happened. 

Guess I'm Agnostic - never know what to believe, but after losing my daughter and then two MC's I am so pissed of at God. 

It's like, perhaps, if someone loses a loved one to a killer, you can blame the killer. I have no one to blame but God, and I desperately NEED someone to blame.

A short while after losing my baby, I got pregnant again. I thanked and started to pray again. Praying for the baby to be OK. Then I lost in an early MC and decided to STOP. 
I feel like everytime I pray for something, the opposite's happening. 

On my worst days, if you were a fly on my wall, you can actually see me giving God the finger - literarly. I also call him a "bearded monkey" and stuff like that. 

And now I'm scared. I'm scared karma's coming to get me. I'm generally a sweet and kind person, but not to God - if there is one. 

I don't have a job, 'cause accounting just seemed pointless after losing my child in stillbirth. I've never had any problems finding a job either, but NOW - there's nowhere in sight. 
My fiance and I should probably do stuff. Go on vacation etc. But we can't with the lack of Income I have today.

And then - I just started taking blood tests. Of course they're showing problems with my thyroid. As if lupus anticoagulant isn't enough already.

Someone is mocking me. Pulling my threads and pointing me in the wrong direction. I feel as I'm being punished for something. Cheating on my boyfriend when I was 21? Stealing a candy bar when I was 11?

I really don't know.

Any thoughts? Where is YOUR religion going after losing? Is it still there or have you fired God for good?


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## Lulle

Sorry. Should have posted this under the stillbirth-section. Maybe moderator will move it?


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## tinymumma

:hugs: This isn't really in the right section, however I don't think it's wrong for you to be posting here <3
I know exactly what you mean. My faith has no changed after both of my m/c's. I'm a practising Wiccan and I have been for many years now. The Universe works in mysterious ways, my love. The pain and hardship we endure is only dealt to us because the Universe believes we can handle it. This is what I believe, anyway. 
M/c, especially early ones, are natures way of telling us that something wasn't right with your little sea monkey and they probably wouldn't have been able to survive outside the womb <3 You probably know this already, so this may not be any comfort. However, many of the ladies on here have experience something along the lines of what you have and are more than happy to offer support and "hate on God", right along with yah xo
Losing a child is one of the most devastating things a woman can experience, whether it's early or otherwise. People who haven't experienced this will probably never know the pain (at least we hope). When these things happen, please remember, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! The Universe works in mysterious ways and I can promise you, one day, you will receive your rainbow baby :hugs:
Take comfort in your little ones that are already here, happy and healthy. If you're feeling down about everything, hug them a little tighter, kiss them a little harder (as much as they may complain :haha:) They will know mummy isn't feeling ok and they will want to make it better <3
Please, please, please remember that as painful as these things are, everything happens for a reason. You will have another little miracle and you will be all the more thankful for them. I believe that a woman that experiences what you have gone through, what many women have been through, we appreciate the gift of life, so much more than another who hasn't been through this torture <3 We appreciate our children and realise just how precious life is :hugs:
Best wishes and sending you lots of positive thoughts xo


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## Angelbaby_01

Hugs


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## Angelbaby_01

What I am trying to say is that I feel lost, but in God I feel stronger. I am talking about my life and not trying to convince you.

I didn't go through what you did, but my loss was big and devestating enough for me and I can't imagine what you are going through. 

I just hope that you can find inner peace.

Love
Xxx


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## skyesmom

i had all those thoughts swirling in my head, i also used to shout and scream at god/universe/whoever is up there at the top of my voice all alone in my room. i also feared karma and thought this is all getting me because i've wronged this and that (cheating on a bf when i was 21, left another guy after 4 months together without ever telling him the real reason because i didn't know how to, etc..).
i feared things will get me because i was angry with the universe too, and considered them evil and sarcasticaly made jokes like: who needs a devil, when there is god? and stuff like that.

it eventually left me. i am not religious at all actually, never observed anything and was never taught anything either as no one in my family ever cared since generations (and i THANK them so much for this!!!).

i think it's normal to come to think and feel all this when things come raining down on you like this. and i wouldn't worry. if whatever force there is in the universe could feel just a second of what we feel down here, they would understand.


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## girlinyork

I used to be agnostic. When my pregnancies started going wrong, I prayed fervently. The only successful pregnancy I've had involved precisely zero prayers. Needless to say, I no longer believe in a deity


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## floridamomma

I was angry with God for a while but then I realized everything happens for a reason. God only wants good for us and wants to comfort us through our pain. but we also as humans are imperfect. I have lost 3 babies and the pain is a lot to bear. but I go to prayer when it hurts and I trust that Gods plans for me will always prevail. I have learned due to my losses that I need to love and praise God through god and bad. Remember that God wants you to draw near to him. I hope you can find peace in such a hurtful time.


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## londongirl

I was and still am a believer in God. However, I did pray a lot during my first two prayers, and they ended in loss. Now I'm too scared to pray!!!


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## floridamomma

when I say we are imperfect I mean our bodies. I have had the test and though they all came back nothing is wrong I still have mc.


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## MissyBee

.


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## makeupmama2b

Nope still a Christian. Actually after my ectopic my faith grew stronger.


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## Gilka

I didn't believe in God before my loss. However, at the hospital I had my son blessed by the vicar there, 'just in case'.....
When I was grieving for him I tried a Church of England church but it didn't help me, it gave me no answers at all. My Stepmother is Catholic and this didn't help me either, it just told me that he had no sin and that I was the sinner!

I did start to believe in God though, began to believe that it happened for a reason, that it was meant to be. That staying for such a short time was his choice and not God's. That his soul was learning something from me and the experience. And not only that, but it was the choice of my soul too, to learn something from it - which I did. 
I believe now that God is an energy, a caring and benevolent energy who would not punish us like we have been led to believe. 
Having my son changed me in so many ways, and I don't regret that side of the experience although of course I wish he was here with me.


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## Chameleon

No, I was atheist before and remain so. But I find that I'm actually comforted by the thought that there really isn't anyone to blame. It's not God's fault, it's not my fault, it's not because of my sins or my karma or anything like that, and it's not part of some big plan (because what a horrible plan that would have to be)...it just is a thing that happened. Just a thing that happens and no one is to blame.

It didn't change the fact that I was angry, _really_ angry--but not having anyone to be angry at helped the anger pass. I don't know if you can find that helpful but remember that it wasn't your fault!


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## Sabster

Lulle: I remember being really angry too, at the universe at life, at people who can have healthy babies, everyone. But really i was angry at myself for my "ineptitude", for not being able to do the one thing my body is designed to do. Once I realised this, i had to make peace with myself and forgive myself and just surrender to life, because life and the universe are complete balance. I felt like I was at war with the universe ( or god, wahtever you want to call it) but really it was all inside me.

I think my faith has been consistent, and I have never stopped to meditate or to pray. faith grows through hard times, its the only way to really test it. and faith is not outside yourself either, faith in life, in the universe, faith in yourself.

i hope you can come to terms with all these feelings and that you can continue grieving, its super important. In grief we are humbled, and you can come out stronger from all of this! 

HUGZ!


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## Annie77

My losses had little effect on my religious beliefs. My losses were difficult and traumatic but I didn't feel that I needed to blame anyone. Maybe this is due to my health background and understanding the science behind it, maybe just my belief that God doesn't make these things happen.

The only effect my losses have had on me are through challenging me to deal with emotions of loss and grief, appreciate the children I do have and make me more understanding/reactive to others people's experiences.

It is easy for me to say this now that I have my three daughters but try to find something - anything - remotely positive about how your losses have affected you and try to turn it to something good. I strongly believe that there is a strong mind body connection which can affect conception, recovery and coping and maybe negativity is hindering your chances?


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## KylasBaby

I've always been a Christian - brought up going to church, went to Christian camps, became a counselor at Christian camps when I was older. Then I fell away from all of that when I realized I was gay and came out. I stopped being a practicing Christian, but I still believed in God and said my prayers every night. My MMC didn't harm my faith. I just accepted that it wasn't meant to be at that time and that my baby is in heaven now with my great grandmother. I believe that there either was something wrong with the baby or that I just wasn't in a place in my life to have the baby. Maybe I have more to learn before a baby comes along or something. However I do ask God to help me to learn and grow and heal as a person in a way that that will never happen to me again. So I believe my faith has gotten stronger. If I didn't believe and didn't believe that my baby was in heaven right now I would be a mess.


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## anxious mommy

I struggled and struggle still with my faith in God after my losses. I call it trust issues and mostly blame them on my abusive actual father. Point being, it's a normal part of grief. Anger. But I firmly believe that God is our eternal perfect father who knows our needs and our situation perfectly. We don't always get what we want as He is the parent and knows best. As such, he understands when we lash out in pain and frustration. I, too, yelled at God when my firstborn passed, and again last year at my second miscarriage. I stopped praying and studying scripture. And I got pregnant again. My anxiety disorder flared up far worse and all the fears I have about child loss are at the forefront. So I tried praying and reading scriptures again, and I feel comforted, like He's always been there just waiting for me to let Him help. I don't know how this pregnancy is going to work out, but I know he'll take care of me. Long story short, we can't control how our pregnancies work out, and it's okay to be angry even at God while we work through that, but I think having someone to believe in, a power that is in control where we are not, is the best comfort we can hope for.


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## Mommy2missR

I was very upset after both my losses, more so after I lost my Christmas baby (mc on 12.24.13). I was angry after my second. Now that we are pregnant again, I feel more... calm. I'm still worried, still hopeful, but I know there is absolutely nothing we can do to make this baby stick. It is all in God's hands. We aren't super religious people by any stretch of the imagination, but there have been times I have asked myself if God is punishing me because of my divorce and lack of annulment (we're technically Catholic). I know it's not, but after such terrible loss, you can't help but ask why. Stress and babies don't mix, this much I know. So have I made my peace? Not so sure about that, but I am _at_ peace. If it is meant to be it will be. If God needs this baby more than me, then He will bring this baby Home when He sees fit, but hopefully He will realize that we need a baby here in our home too, we have a lot of love to give.


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## tryinNHouston

When I lost our angel last year I completely lost my faith. I just did not understand why God would my baby from me? Why is he making me suffer? I just didn't understand. I got on my knees one night and prayed for God to put his hands on my heart and get all this anger out of me. And he did. I know that prayer works because here I am again. I may have turned my back on him for a minute but he never turned his back on me.


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## kelleyrn95

My "faith" was shattered for certain after my Kathryn was stillborn at 37w. I, like you, blame God. I have others to blame but I see it as numerous "other" people failed to do their job in a timely manner which resulted in her death...for that I blame God. I still yell at him often & I'm sure over the past 2 1/2 years I've "flipped" him off. 

Did you watch the movie Return To Zero? There was a little part about religion & how people "shove" it down your throat after a loss...it really spoke to how I feel about religion since my baby died.

I have found myself praying for a healthy baby that is alive in December but I also catch myself because I prayed constantly esp. when I was pregnant before and it didn't help...I'm just bitter. 

Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post but I've noticed some who suffered loss find their faith to be stronger after but mine was shattered which makes me believe it wasn't very strong to begin with?

Hugs to you :hugs:
Kelley


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## skyesmom

Kelley i think these changes are very very personal, and they don't necessarily speak of the strength of someone's faith. having it shattered or feeling it even stronger after a loss are a part of our ways of coping, and each one of us is unique. 

i don't think that having your faith shattered after such an experience has anything to do with you not being a "real" believer before. these kind of losses change us from the very core so anything is to be expected. :hugs:


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## patch2006uk

I was raised Christian but never really believed in it all. For me, my stillbirth confirmed in my mind that I don't really believe in it. I don't believe that my baby is waiting for me in heaven. I don't take any comfort in the idea that he is somewhere growing up without me but with god. I am, however, quite spiritual. I believe that there is a beauty and a majesty to the universe. Nature is all powerful. My son was taken from me by the universe. He remains part of that universe. And he lives on in my memory. I'm not angry about it. I wish it hadn't had to be this way. But if Charley hadn't been stillborn, I never would have conceived Alex. And my love for him confounds even me. I wouldn't exchange my living children, whom I know and love, for the stranger I carried. I would have loved him fiercely, but I didn't get the chance to know him. For whatever reason, this was all to be part of my story. I don't really believe in fate, but I suppose I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm not an atheist, but what feels right for me doesn't match any of the mainstream religions.


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## eme

I avoided this thread at first because I was afraid of people going hormonally crazy based on the topic haha (you know how we can be) ;-) 

But I'm so glad to see everyone being able to express their views without attacking anyone else, how refreshing! I see the OP hasn't commented since so I don't know if she'll see it, but I wanted to share a very personal email I sent to my sisters, brother, mother, and BFF when my last pregnancy was failing and we were basically just waiting to see when the heartbeat would stop.

I think this answers how I felt, and I hope, for those that still have pain or anger....that maybe it sheds a different light:

_I just wanted to say.....I know God has heard our prayers. He is not cruel nor is he ignoring our pleas. If this baby doesn't live I believe in my heart it is because of some chromosomal issues and not because God is unkind.

I am sad, I have cried now that I'm home. I will probably cry some more. Just because I am sad though doesn't mean I don't still have Joy. Doesn't mean that I don't still have peace, joy, love, and hope. My possession of those things are not determined by circumstance because that is not where I place my joy or my hope.

God has always been my comfort, my peace, and my joy. Not because I'm not strong enough to find those things for myself or in myself. I most certainly can. I just know that if I were to try and find those things in anything other than God.....it would be fleeting and based on circumstance. 

I have no idea why I'm feeling the need to "proclaim" this...I just am. It's so easy to feel anger and bitterness in situations like this, situations where we don't understand the "why" behind something. I'm sharing this so that anger and bitterness have no where to hide, no where to grow, and no chance in setting up shop in any of our hearts over this. 

I love you all and couldn't have done this without all of you!!!_


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