# Finally ready to share this.....



## LittleAngel09

I have been contemplating for a while whether or not to share my story or not. A few of you are aware that I lost my 1st daughter 22 weeks and 1 day into my pregnany, but I have never said how. 

So here goes....

5th March 2009 I discovered I was pregnant. My husband and I had been not preventing but also not trying for a year and a half. So I'm sat there staring at that little line that was about to change my world. 

Appart from morning sickness until 14 weeks, I had a lovely pregnancy. I had loads of energy and was so excited about the prospect of becoming a mum. 

For some unknown reason though I wouldn't let anyone buy anything for the baby until I had passed the 21 week scan. I must have known what was to come. 

The scan was on June 23rd 2009 (two days after my birthday). That morning at work I had just arranged my maternity leave dates too. My husband was unable the make the scan due to work commitments, so my mum kindly offered to come with me. I wasn't scared at all. I was petrified at my 12 week scan, but this time I just felt excited about seeing my little one on the screen. 

After about 3 minutes into the scan the sonographer said the she wasn't completly happy with what she had seen on the scan. Those words have never left me. 

She went to get another sonographer to get a second opinion. But as the second lady shook her head I knew my dream had begun to end. My beautiful baby had a very severe form of Spina Bifida, which had caused a build up of fluid in the skull. The scan showed that my baby was so poorly that the brain had not developed at all. I had taken folic acid as soon as I found out, which made it even more hard to accept.

I felt myself almost leave my body whilst I heard cries from my mum. Even the sonographer's were crying. They had never seen such a severe form of these conditions before. 

We were left in a room to take in the news and wait for a consultant to speak to us about our options. I decided I needed to go home and return a few days later with my husband to speak to another consultant and have another scan. 

Telling my husband was the worst thing I have ever had to do. I felt like I had fail him and my baby.

Unfortunatley, the we got the same result, but we did get to find out it was a girl. We called her Angel. 

Ayway, this was Thursday and I sat in that room for what seemed like forever deciding on what to do. Do I do the 'kind' thing and end her suffering or let nature take it's course. I was weak and had to end my baby's suffering. A decision I did not take lightly, and still struggle to come to terms with. So I was taken up to a small room just outside the labour ward to begin the process by taking a pill. It seemed so surreal, like this tiny pill could solve our suffering. 2 days later I was to go back to be induced. 

After a heartbreaking 12 hour labour I delivered our beautiful baby girl, weighing just a tiny 1lb. 

We will never forget you Angel. Mummy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know.

Thank you for reading

xx


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## sapphire20

Huge :hugs: so sorry for your loss xx


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## Cheryl xx

So sorry for your loss hun. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure your little girl was beautiful xx


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## emerald78

I am so very sorry for your loss. What a very hard a final decision you had to make but make it you did which shows such courage. You followed your heart and instinct which is the only thing you could do.

Not exactly words of comfort but I wish you all the very best of luck for the future.


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## MrsT2B

So sorry for your loss. You are a very brave woman and im sure your little girl is very proud of her mummy xxx:hugs:


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## Yazz_n_bump

:hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## MummyJade

Thank you for sharing... you and your OH are very strong people...totally agree on your little girl being proud... xx


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## Blondie007

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs xx


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## lollylou1

im so sorry hunny

Lou
xxx


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## emzky90

:hugs:


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## Deli

I'm so sorry.

You weren't "weak" to make that decision. If anything, it showed great strength and compassion. You gave your beautiful daughter a dignified death, the last thing you could do for her.

Take care.

x


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## diane60f

My heart aches with yours. Rest in peace now Angel. <3


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## 2245db01

oh hunny im so sorry, reading that made me cry, i could never even imagine what you went through :( xx


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## bob2331

So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx


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## poppy666

One of the hardest decisions any mother should have to make, Angel will be very proud of you sweetie as im sure you are of her :hugs:


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## LittleAngel09

bob2331 said:


> So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx

Just noticed you live in Crawley, I live in Maidenbower. Small world.


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## bob2331

LittleAngel09 said:


> bob2331 said:
> 
> 
> So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx
> 
> Just noticed you live in Crawley, I live in Maidenbower. Small world.Click to expand...

Im live on station hill! Very small world,hope your doing ok xx


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## LittleAngel09

bob2331 said:


> LittleAngel09 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> bob2331 said:
> 
> 
> So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx
> 
> Just noticed you live in Crawley, I live in Maidenbower. Small world.Click to expand...
> 
> Im live on station hill! Very small world,hope your doing ok xxClick to expand...

You are literally 10 mins walk from my house! Would you mind if I added you to my contacts? Might be nice to have a friend on here who's local?


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## bob2331

LittleAngel09 said:


> bob2331 said:
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> LittleAngel09 said:
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> bob2331 said:
> 
> 
> So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx
> 
> Just noticed you live in Crawley, I live in Maidenbower. Small world.Click to expand...
> 
> Im live on station hill! Very small world,hope your doing ok xxClick to expand...
> 
> Would you mind if I added you to my contacts? Might be nice to have a friend on here who's local?Click to expand...

Of course you can, its no problem xxx My name is Robyn x


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## LittleAngel09

bob2331 said:


> LittleAngel09 said:
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> bob2331 said:
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> LittleAngel09 said:
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> bob2331 said:
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> 
> So sorry for you loss, i lost my first son at 21 weeks x hugs xx
> 
> Just noticed you live in Crawley, I live in Maidenbower. Small world.Click to expand...
> 
> Im live on station hill! Very small world,hope your doing ok xxClick to expand...
> 
> Would you mind if I added you to my contacts? Might be nice to have a friend on here who's local?Click to expand...
> 
> Of course you can, its no problem xxx My name is Robyn xClick to expand...

Thanks Robyn. I'm Lucy. Sorry to hear of your loss to.

x


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## RosieCheeks

I am so extremely sorry for you loss. :hugs:


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## lylasmummy

So sorry for your loss. Ur very strong xx


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## v2007

I am so sorry :hugs:

V xxx


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## babesx3

:hug:
Massive hugs XXX so sorry for your lossxx
sweet dreams little angel :kiss:


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## My bump

Thank you for building the courage to share your story! I am so so sorry for the los of your beautiful baby girl :hugs:. I hope the future brings you lots of luck and love and am sure your lil one is smiling down on you xxxx


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## iloveblue

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hugs:


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## cazi77

I am so sorry for your loss xx


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## netty

:hugs:


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## Jox

So sorry 4 ur loss of precious angel x


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## justjill

:hugs:


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## Deethehippy

I am so sorry for your loss and the extremely hard decisions you have had to make.
I think if there is a heaven Angel will be smiling down at you both and maybe you will meet again someday.
Thank you for sharing your story and i wish you nothing but better things for the future. :hugs:


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## inxsmhpy

I'm so sorry :hugs:


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## Cafferine

:hugs: bless your angel xx


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## Rachel B

Sorry for your loss:hugs:


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## pinklizzy

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful Angel :hugs:


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## Jennayginger

i wish you the best for the future - you are a very strong woman for doing what you did & youre babygirl will be looking down on you now & one day you shall meet her again so do not worry - all the best .
thankyou for sharing youre story. x
have to admit i had to stop myself from crying ... xxx
you're so brave xxx


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## danniemum2be

so sorry for your loss hun x x x


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## cat81

:hugs: So sorry for your loss. x


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## Hollys_Twinny

:hugs:


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## kipperc

so sorry for your loss thank you for sharing your story xxxx


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## kanga

Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you lost your preciouus Angel and I hope you are well along the path to recovery xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Newt

so very very sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## Char.due.jan

So sorry for your loss :hugs: xx


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## Sweetie

:hugs:


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## Jasiellover

so sorry for your loss :(


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## Bingles

I am so sorry for your loss xxx and big floaty Kisses to Angel xxxx Thankyou for sharing your story xxx


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## secretbaby

(((hugs))) so sorry for your loss of Angel. 

Many of us on here have to make heart breaking decision, decisions we never thought we would have to make and in a debate we wouldn't have made that choice but when faced with saving our babies from suffering it becomes the only option. Some situations are no win, whatever you do there is not a nice outcome - ours heartbreaking decision was not a termination choice - we had to decide wether to leave our baby on life support knowing he would eventually die or take him off an let him go quickly... to me there was no choice. I would have liked more time with him, I needed more time but I could not let him suffer. ALL of us that have had various different painful choices to make do it with one motivation - the love of our child. You are NOT weak you did the best thing for your baby - which was the hardest thing for you, you are so NOT weak in fact far far from it. 

(((hugs)))


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## Zedfaca

You're not the only one who has had to make a decision like this. It takes a lot of bravery and love to be able to do it. I know you feel guilty, but you did the best you could for your baby in such an terrible situation. I'm very sorry for your loss.


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## Abblebubba

:hugs:


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## charliexxx

i am so sorry x


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## rachlou

So sorry for your loss hun i have just lost 2 babies one at 10 weeks and then my little boy aaron-riley at 19 weeks. Sending love x x


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## Waiting2bMommy

:hugs: So sorry for your loss


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## sparky32

Big hugs xx floaty kisses for Angel xx


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## callumsmummy

so sorry hunny xxx


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## Laura2919

:hugs:


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## AndreaBat

So very sorry for your loss. Hoping you and hubby find happiness and peace soon.


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## laura_2010

So sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## louise1302

so sorry hun xx


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## Ilovehim89

thanks for sharing, i cried. so sorry for your loss, hun. you are very brave


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## claireld

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling xx


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## marnie79

im so sorry hun, u were very brave xxx sweet dreams Angel xx


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## xSamanthax

Aww hun i'm so sorry for your loss, you were very brave x x


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## baileykenz

So so sorry..


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## lolly25

so sorry for your loss :hugs::hugs:


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## MandaR

There are no words hun. But, sleep well with the stars Angel be brave. xx


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## babyfromgod

so sorry for your loss hun xx


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## Lol78

I'm so sorry. Sleep peacefully little Angel. x


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## babyerin

:hugs:


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## cla

I'm so sorry Hun xx


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## KKSARAH

I'm so sorry for loss:hugs: Fly high Angel xxx


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## Brookey

im so sorry, you are so brave x


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## Kempf

Lost for words..so sorry hun...sleep beautifully angel


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## 3boys

im so sorry hun, what a tragic loss! x x


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## Hoping

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you went/are going through and I just wish you happiness in the future:hugs:


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## GrowARainbow

I'm so sorry for your loss. 
Thank you for sharing your story, it was very brave of you to do so.


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## MrsWez

Thank you for sharing. :hugs: to you and your family. Sleep tight sweet baby Angel.:angel:


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## jakey1

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## BabyBoyle

Im so moved by your heartbreaking story darling.. i know exactly what you are going through, and although nothing anyone will say will help or ease that pain, i do know that every little comment i have had on here has lifted me, like a tiny network of support, and its amazing.

I do hope that you find peace, and that your beautiful little baby is being looked after by those that wanted her before she was ready.

She's playing with the other angels now, and i hope she meets my little Madison who God took from me on Monday.. She has lots of toys with her, i told her to share them.

Much love and best wishes darling, and please please stay strong for yourself, your family and most importantly your beautiful little Angel xxxxxxxxxxxx


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## nattys

I'm so sorry for your loss xx


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## sweetcheeks78

:hugs: thank you for being so brave and sharing your story, I'm so sorry you lost your Angel. You are a very strong lady who has come through a really difficult decision and I take my hat off to you for being so brave to tell us about it. xxx


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## Luvmysunshine

I feel privileged that you shared your touching story. Sleep sweetly sweet Angel.


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## pinkyb826

:hugs:so sorry for your loss..thanks for sharing.


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## aob1013

Sending you all my love and support through this very hard time :hugs: xxxxxx


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## Jess137

I'm so sorry for your loss.:hugs:


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## luvnmybumpx4

So sorry hun and am sending massive :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## mum2beagain

so sorry for your loss and bug :hugs: to your and your oh and big floaty kisses to angel xx


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## mummapie

I just cried reading your story. So sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you and kisses to Angel xx


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## Naturalmystic

:cry::hugs:


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## ashley2pink

So sorry you lost your sweet girl:( :(


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## Abblebubba

:hugs:


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## HavnFaith2011

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello,

are stories are so simialar as I too went thru this on Jan 18 we were 4 days shy of being 17 wks and having a scan to find the gender of our lil Angel. The ultrasound tech started the scan as she tried to look for the gender we realized she was having a hard time (baby was turned away) so she looked at us and said " I'm gonna go get candy and see if we can get the baby to move" and told me to lay on my side. The most horrible feeling came over me and I looked at my husband and told him "there isnt a heartbeat" he said "yes there is I just saw it moving" . As soon as he finished his sentence the tech walked back in pale as ghost and started the scan again this time measuring the baby. I looked at her and said "no candy huh" she said "no I couldn't find any " right then I knew and asked a question I pray I never have to ask again "There isnt a heartbeat is there" she looked at me with tears in her eyes and shuck her head no..... it hit me like a ton of bricks as my husband held me in his arms and cryed with me my nurse and doctor walked in just as much in shock. My nurse Julie (who is an angel)could barely speak she followed be to the bathroom where she held me and rubbed my head as all the shock had made sick! She promised right then she would do everything to find out what happened. They scheduled me that following thursday for an dne and Julie promised she would stay with me thru the surgery and that they would make it where I didnt remember anything and that she did...That night my husband went home and all I can remember is sitting in the shower histarically crying as my husband set beside the shower telling me he was right there with me and it was gonna be ok. 

My surgery was at 11am that morning and I just remember getting there and feeling like I dnt want to do this, maybe they made a mistake as I was already quite round and at 12 weeks we had had a scan and the baby had a strong heartbeat of 198 and was steadly moving. But they gave me meds to calm me down and then I fell asleep.... they did everything they promised I didnt remember anything after that point. The one thing I had asked Julie was if they could tell I really want to know what the baby was bc we had such and overwhelming feeling it was a girl.... unfortunetly they could not tell as the baby only measured about 12 1/2 wks. We requested all the chromosome tests on the baby to try and determine the cause. It was a decision im so glad we made... bc yesterday we finally got the phone call we were waiting for from Julie that the test showed exactly what we had thought we had made a LIL Girl (Faith)! We also find out that the baby had Down Syndrome and her lil heart just could not pump enough blood for her to carry on. As hard as this was to hear it was somewhat comforting to know she was in no pain and we had an explanation which I know alot of people dnt get.... we have been reassured that this was nothing we caused and we are perfectly able to try and have a healthly baby and will began trying after our first cycle.


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## LittleAngel09

HavnFaith2011 said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Hello,
> 
> are stories are so simialar as I too went thru this on Jan 18 we were 4 days shy of being 17 wks and having a scan to find the gender of our lil Angel. The ultrasound tech started the scan as she tried to look for the gender we realized she was having a hard time (baby was turned away) so she looked at us and said " I'm gonna go get candy and see if we can get the baby to move" and told me to lay on my side. The most horrible feeling came over me and I looked at my husband and told him "there isnt a heartbeat" he said "yes there is I just saw it moving" . As soon as he finished his sentence the tech walked back in pale as ghost and started the scan again this time measuring the baby. I looked at her and said "no candy huh" she said "no I couldn't find any " right then I knew and asked a question I pray I never have to ask again "There isnt a heartbeat is there" she looked at me with tears in her eyes and shuck her head no..... it hit me like a ton of bricks as my husband held me in his arms and cryed with me my nurse and doctor walked in just as much in shock. My nurse Julie (who is an angel)could barely speak she followed be to the bathroom where she held me and rubbed my head as all the shock had made sick! She promised right then she would do everything to find out what happened. They scheduled me that following thursday for an dne and Julie promised she would stay with me thru the surgery and that they would make it where I didnt remember anything and that she did...That night my husband went home and all I can remember is sitting in the shower histarically crying as my husband set beside the shower telling me he was right there with me and it was gonna be ok.
> 
> My surgery was at 11am that morning and I just remember getting there and feeling like I dnt want to do this, maybe they made a mistake as I was already quite round and at 12 weeks we had had a scan and the baby had a strong heartbeat of 198 and was steadly moving. But they gave me meds to calm me down and then I fell asleep.... they did everything they promised I didnt remember anything after that point. The one thing I had asked Julie was if they could tell I really want to know what the baby was bc we had such and overwhelming feeling it was a girl.... unfortunetly they could not tell as the baby only measured about 12 1/2 wks. We requested all the chromosome tests on the baby to try and determine the cause. It was a decision im so glad we made... bc yesterday we finally got the phone call we were waiting for from Julie that the test showed exactly what we had thought we had made a LIL Girl (Faith)! We also find out that the baby had Down Syndrome and her lil heart just could not pump enough blood for her to carry on. As hard as this was to hear it was somewhat comforting to know she was in no pain and we had an explanation which I know alot of people dnt get.... we have been reassured that this was nothing we caused and we are perfectly able to try and have a healthly baby and will began trying after our first cycle.

Thank you for your reply. I so sorry that you lost your little girl. x:hugs:


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## gueyilla1985

Im so sorry for your loss


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## sequeena

I am so very sorry :hugs:


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## secretbaby

So sorry for the loss of your darling daughter (((hugs)).


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## addie25

I am so so so sorry for your loss. I have a similar situation and know how you feel. :cry:

We found out at 9 weeks pregnant i was a carrier of cystic fibrosis. Then we found out my husband was 2. Finally we learned at 13 weeks our child had cystic fibrosis. The baby had the most severe case of cystic fibrosis (they said they know this because of the types of carriers we are) the doctor said our child would suffer, spend most of his/her life in the hospital and die at an early age. 

My husband was the one who had to come home and tell me about all of this. He came in crying and I just knew. I started screaming "your a lier, no no no" I couldn't stop. I didn't want to believe it. We cried for what seemed like 4ever and then we had to make a decision. Do we have our baby and watch them suffer and die at an early age or do we end it. We ended it at 14 weeks. That was not only physically painful but emotionally I do not know how and when I am going to feel ok. I want my baby back! I know they would have been so sick and so I know we did the correct thing but I just dont know what to do with myself.

I am never hungry, i feel empty and alone even tho my husband is so supportive.

Doctors have told me that with IVF this could have all been avoided if we knew before I was pregnant. Why do doctors not test you be4 you are pregnant? We will do IVF for our next child but I just want to know when the pain is going to end?


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## Tesharika

I'm so sorry *hugs*


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## LittleAngel09

addie25 said:


> I am so so so sorry for your loss. I have a similar situation and know how you feel. :cry:
> 
> We found out at 9 weeks pregnant i was a carrier of cystic fibrosis. Then we found out my husband was 2. Finally we learned at 13 weeks our child had cystic fibrosis. The baby had the most severe case of cystic fibrosis (they said they know this because of the types of carriers we are) the doctor said our child would suffer, spend most of his/her life in the hospital and die at an early age.
> 
> My husband was the one who had to come home and tell me about all of this. He came in crying and I just knew. I started screaming "your a lier, no no no" I couldn't stop. I didn't want to believe it. We cried for what seemed like 4ever and then we had to make a decision. Do we have our baby and watch them suffer and die at an early age or do we end it. We ended it at 14 weeks. That was not only physically painful but emotionally I do not know how and when I am going to feel ok. I want my baby back! I know they would have been so sick and so I know we did the correct thing but I just dont know what to do with myself.
> 
> I am never hungry, i feel empty and alone even tho my husband is so supportive.
> 
> Doctors have told me that with IVF this could have all been avoided if we knew before I was pregnant. Why do doctors not test you be4 you are pregnant? We will do IVF for our next child but I just want to know when the pain is going to end?

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hugs:


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