# How would you feel about this?



## katy1310

Our friend is pregnant, due in March. I have to admit I have struggled since she reached and passed 27 weeks, and every time I see her/hear about her, it gets harder. I don't want to be mean, I really am excited for her, but at the same time, it hurts - does that make sense?

She works with DH, and he has just told me that if our friend's DH is uncontactable when she goes into labour, she has put DH down as the person to contact, and it would be a case of him taking her to the hospital and staying with her till her mum or DH arrive.

I feel very weird about this....the thought of him being part of that with someone else, when we never had that ourselves, and never will. It's just the thought of another pregnant woman going into labour and contacting him, and him getting her to the hospital where I had Sophie, and staying with her while she is in labour, and we missed out on all that. I know I am probably being really mean and selfish, but I'm struggling with the thought. 

I said to him won't it feel a bit strange doing that with someone else, when we missed out on the whole excitement of it, and he said "we'll get it next time" - but we won't, because if I do get pregnant again, it will be a planned section.

I don't know...I'm probably just being irrational :haha: It's just all these little things that I missed out on really do still get to me from time to time.


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## Srrme

To be honest, that would probably make me feel quite uncomfortable! :nope:


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## katy1310

I'm glad it's not just me! x


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## LegoHouse

I would NEVER let my OH do that... That makes me sound horrible :lol:


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## katy1310

I don't want to let him, but at the same time, I don't want to be mean or unreasonable.....xx


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## Betheney

I would 100% feel the same. Did she ask if it was okay? Or just tell youthat's what's happening. It would definitely make me uncomfortable.


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## 25weeker

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I personally couldn't imagine having another man with me if I was in labour, it would have to be a female. What happens if it is a quick labour does she expect your husband to stay with her?

As for you not experiencing it although you will have a planned section it will still be an exciting time as you will be getting to meet your baby and take them home with you :). 

For my next one I don't care how it's delivered as long as it isn't coming out of my tummy before 37 weeks.


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## katy1310

Betheney said:


> I would 100% feel the same. Did she ask if it was okay? Or just tell youthat's what's happening. It would definitely make me uncomfortable.

She just told him that's what's happening. I'm surprised she didn't think how it might make us feel, because she was worried about how I'd feel the first time I saw her with a bump. x


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## bumpsmum

Not irrational at all, no disrespect to your friend but why would you want another male other than our own with you at all! Also given your own story I think it's selfish on her part to arrange this without consulting you or taking your situation into consideration all a bit strange to me :wacko: xx


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## katy1310

25weeker said:


> I don't think you are being unreasonable. I personally couldn't imagine having another man with me if I was in labour, it would have to be a female. What happens if it is a quick labour does she expect your husband to stay with her?
> 
> As for you not experiencing it although you will have a planned section it will still be an exciting time as you will be getting to meet your baby and take them home with you :).
> 
> For my next one I don't care how it's delivered as long as it isn't coming out of my tummy before 37 weeks.

I know, I couldn't imagine having another man with me either. Her mum and DH both work in Edinburgh and she'll be in the Royal so fingers crossed one of them will get there fast (she and DH both work in Dalkeith and she lives in Dalkeith). I think it's because DH can drive and I don't know if she has any female friends who can. I still feel quite uncomfortable though.

I *hope* we have a much closer to fullterm-er next time! x


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## Betheney

I don't find it that bizarre if she needs him for a lift and help into the hospital and that's it. But if she wants him to go into the birth suite and wait until her DH or mum get there then that's kinda... yuck.


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## katy1310

Betheney said:


> I don't find it that bizarre if she needs him for a lift and help into the hospital and that's it. But if she wants him to go into the birth suite and wait until her DH or mum get there then that's kinda... yuck.

I don't find it bizarre that she needs him for a lift, it's just I feel a bit blah that we missed out on all that excitement of going into labour and him getting me to the hospital etc and he's going to maybe be getting to do that with someone else. 

I WILL find it horrible if he has to go into the birth suite! I reckon he might have to if it comes to him having to take her there, if her mum or DH isn't there when they get there. x


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## Betheney

I totally think it's fine you feel the way you do and think I would feel the same if I was in that situation to think my husband might witness labour first hand and it not be my own wouldn't feel so great, especially with all the circumstances. 

It's probably a bit extreme and will probably not even come to it. But worst case scenario she goes into labour and he's in the birthing suite with her tell him to sit outside. Even if she doesn't want to be alone I think labour is an incredibly intimate thing. I would genuinely hit the roof if my husband was apart of it. I hope that doesn't sound too bitchy... but seriously... I'd probably never get over it. I think labour and birth is a too personal thing to have my husband be apart of someone else's. 

But then again I'm really strict on who comes into my birthing suite, I won't let my mum or anyone other than my husband. I just feel it's a moment between a husband and wife and their child. I totally get how others feel differently, I'm just trying to explain where my opinion comes from.


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## AP

oh katy - id feel exactly the same, i cant explain it - but i would!


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## katy1310

Meh. Now I have found out that DH is 100% going to be taking her to hospital if she goes into labour through the week during working hours :( 

I said to him I wish she had someone else who could do it, because it's so hard having missed out on that myself and now I have to see him do that part with someone else, and he seems to have gone angry and saying I am making a big deal out of it, which I am not. 

I'm also not finding it easy hearing that she has been complaining about the baby moving around too much and she's not comfy. This time of year is hard for me as it is, she is due just a matter of days after Sophie's birthday and I don't know....I'm just struggling a bit with it. I'm not even making a big deal, just it feels a bit like she is getting something with DH that I wanted to do with him and I didn't get to. 

I don't even see what the rush is, if I had gone into labour, DH would have had to drive home from work - one hour - then drive me to the hospital - another hour. She lives quite near the hospital, DH works nearby and her DH isn't that far away either. Aaargh. Maybe I am just being over fragile but I so hope she doesn't go into labour on a week day! x

ETA He told me I am getting possessive and jealous over it? :(


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## Betheney

somtimes when my husband tells me i'm being ridiculous i tell him regardless of whether i'm being ridiculous or not i'm still in pain and would prefer my husband try and remember that and help me rather than just accuse me of being silly and leaving me to feel like total shit. If he cared about me at all no matter if he agreed with what i was upset about or not he should do everything in his power to make me feel better.

Whether he agrees with the opinion or not doesn't change how sad it makes you feel. You should remind him of that.

But if everyone lives so close i can't see why she can't ring her DH while at work. I mean if everything happens quickly then i can see why she needs a lift but otherwise why can't her other half pick her up from work. Is she working until full term, is she going on maternity leave before the due date.

hugs and kisses.


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## sethsmummy

:hugs: I dont think your being possessive. What he is going to do for this woman is something that you missed out on with your own child and you want him to experience it for the first time with you. 

I dont see why her own partner cant collect her from work and take her. At the end of the day it could be hours and hours before anything happens so there is no rush at all for her to get to the hospital. Especially since most want you to labor at home till 4cm! As pp said.. is she working till term or going on maternity leave? I hope she goes on maternity leave.

And as for your partner.. i think he needs to take some time to sit back and think of this from your perspective! :hugs: :hugs:


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## katy1310

Thanks ladies. I think she is finishing up next week and the baby is due in around 6 weeks. 

I was thinking that too, that she would probably be at home for the first while. Her DH works in the city centre and the hospital is on the outskirts. She lives on the outskirts, very near where she and DH work. 

I hope she never sees this thread! But I'm not meaning to be bitchy, it just hurts that he's going to be experiencing something for the first time with someone else that I wanted him to experience with me :(


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## AP

I don't see it as bitchy at all. It stirs something inside me when I try and put myself in your shoes but I can explain it, but I do get why you are upset. Xxx


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## Foogirl

Even if we'd had the smoothest FT pregnancy in the world, there is no way I'd be happy with this situation.

Two things bother me. One, at no point was I asked to tell anyone who was going to take me to hospital and did I have a back up plan. And two, how on earth did she think it was ok to do without even asking him?

I was asked who my back up birthing partner was if OH couldn't make it........

Regardless of whether he thinks you are being unreasonable about it, he should respect your wishes in this. You are his wife FFS, your feelings trump hers on this.

Just to get another view on this, I'm going to ask Mr P about this later.


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## Foogirl

Okay, asked Mr P. There is a lass at his old work who is actually pregnant so asked if she had done this, without his knowledge, what would he do. He said if she went in to labour at work, he'd probably be the one who ended up taking her (him being the boss and all that) When I asked him if it were someone he knew less well, he said he'd still probably do it, but would be less happy.

When I asked him if I had a problem with it and didn't want him to do it he said he would find someone else with a car. When I asked if he would try and convince me otherwise it was a definite nope.


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## AP

See, I think my David would say the say as Mr P. For sure. He's a helpful lad, and im sure Mr Katy :rofl: is being helpful and with good intentions but is forgetting toes could be stood on here.

See, I would get David to say, i need to be home to help the missus cause Alex doesnt go down to bed well....... (and thats true in my case, without him its POW! chaos, just because he aint around)

Or he could just be honest and say he feels a lil uncomfortable - i mean, what else could she say in retaliation?


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## katy1310

Mr Katy is just too helpful to the world and his dug :rofl: He never feels like he can say no. 

Aaargh, I'm struggling so much seeing her this pregnant as well. I do really really like her but this does bother me :(


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## Foogirl

And that's what bothers me most. Not his reaction to her, but his reaction to you. If it bothers you then he would be better to respect that, whether he agrees or not.


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## Agiboma

25weeker said:


> For my next one I don't care how it's delivered as long as it isn't coming out of my tummy before 37 weeks.

:haha: i could not agree more.
@katy yes i would feel very uncomforteble with this especially since she is expereincing all the things we missed out on, Isn't their anyone else that can take her?


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## Stelly

Personally, I think it was really inappropriate of her to ask that of your husband without speaking to you first. To me, thats very weird. Does she not have female coworkers??

I feel for you hun :hugs: I would not be ok with that at all. Your husband should understand that is a tender subject for you... I too struggle with knowing I can never have a "normal" birth now, I wouldnt want my hubby sharing an intimate moment like that with someone else.


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## 25weeker

I will keep my fingers crossed she goes into labour at a weekend or is overdue and gets a planned inducement so your oh doesn't have to be involved.


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## katy1310

Thank you everybody. I wish she'd even asked me how I felt about it :( She must have female co-workers who can drive. I'm so glad you all understand how I feel. There are a couple more things I'd love to say but I'm scared in case she ever finds this!
x


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## AP

Welllllll.... You could always delete after ;) or me ;)


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## sethsmummy

^^ WSS you could always delete the post afterwards ;) xx


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## katy1310

Ok....I'll do it tomorrow when she is at work, then delete it :haha:


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## katy1310

Deleted just in case :)


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## AP

Edited


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## 25weeker

Deleted


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## weebun

I totally understand how you feel and would be really upset about it. I have had 3 sections. My first was a straight forward emcs from prev relationship, all well afterwards. When I had my middle child in 2011 I obtained a bladder tear and and was on the table a while and didn't get to hold my daughter for 4 hours once surgery was over in the early hours and I had gone to sleep. and I was so traumatised for a long time afterwards and felt like we were cheated out of the stereo typical experience which is what we all want. Then in December I had a planned c-section under advice , and that went well but my baby was born poorly and nearly died and would have had she not received a blood transfusion within minutes, I didn't see her for 24 hours,all I had was a picture from the ICU i didn't get to hold her for days, didn't know what she really looked like because of all the mask and tubes etc.... 

It isn't the stereo typical experience for everyone,I can't even watch one born every minute because I see the holding of the baby straight afterwards, kisses and cuddles and photographs being taken, and that's with straight forward c-sections and normal deliveries... 

I had only just got over my middle child and what happened to me then to nearly lose my second daughter and have another birth go wrong... I am emotionally wrecked . 

I wouldn't even be letting my partner be a contact,, end of, I could not cope I feel cheated enough and i find it quite odd to be honest that he would think it was ok x


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## weebun

P.S tell her to back off and leave your man alone and stop relying on him so much xx

xxx you hang in there hun xxx


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## katy1310

Deleted :)


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## AP

Why oh why do they have to kiss the mouth people out there I WILL NEVER KNOW!!! :rofl:


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## katy1310

[*QUOTE=AtomicPink;25381577]Why oh why do they have to kiss the mouth people out there I WILL NEVER KNOW!!! [/QUOTE]

I know, what's that all about?!*


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## sethsmummy

hun you do not sound in the least bit jelous! 

I would be the same as you hun! And i seriously cant believe she asked your DH to help her move when your baby was so tiny! Thats just uncalled for :dohh: Does she have no compassion for people? 

and omg for her hubby passing the cold onto your l/o!! I cant stand when people come visit knowing they are ill when you have young children! I have warned everyone if they are ill they dont come visit now ds is back at nursery. And ill be even stricter when ds2 arrives. Theres just no need for it.. OR the kissing on the mouth! 

:hugs: :hugs:


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## katy1310

I really don't think DH quite gets how I feel :( He said tonight that if she has a section, she may have to have it under general anaesthetic due to health issues, and that she doesn't want a general anaesthetic because it does something to distress the baby (not sure exactly what). I said it's a pity she doesn't think about that every time she has a cigarette, and he at least agreed on that and said he has said to her before that she really should stop. I then said I find it so hard to see someone smoking so heavily when they're pregnant because I did absolutely everything I could to ensure I had a healthy pregnancy, and poor Sophie was born at 27 weeks, so why would people do things out of choice that could be harmful to their baby, and he said "You can't compare every pregnancy to your own" :( I really wasn't! I just do struggle to see people choosing to do things that could harm their baby, that's all. May delete this in a little while too, I'm so scared in case she sees it! I have no idea if she's on BnB or not but I really don't want to risk it. xx


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## Stelly

Well I missed all the deleted stuff... but from what you just wrote I wouldnt even worry about it if she did run across this thread- what youre saying isnt mean or rude. This woman has an unhealthy relianve on your spouse. 

I totally understand what you mean about unhealthy people having term births... its hard! Your hisband shouldnt discredit your feelings. I get down seeing women who smoke and drink/drug use have healthy full term kids... we do everything right and our LO's came early and have to struggle. Its not fair at all- and its not wrong to feel that way!

Oh, and the main issue with general anesthesia is that the baby gets the anesthetic too ( where in a eoidural they do not) it causes decreased respiratory function when they are first born. ( my LO was born emcs under general and had side effects from anesthesia for a few days)


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## AP

:wacko: why oh why does she think he even needs to know these details? Oh Katy I wish I could come and kick some butt, I dunno how he can just think this is ok? 
Maybe you could write it down from him if you are afraid of a debate happening?

As for her ever running across this I think the same, tough luck if she red this because she's putting a woman through some unnecessary misery over this. Surely to god she and her OH have family and friends other than OH!


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