# Anyone else struggle with development threads? :(



## emaritska

Hi all, just a brief passing moan I hope. Seen a few threads recently on baby club along lines of " what can &#375;our baby do at x age?" ......followed by dozens of mummies quite rightly showing off their lo skills, however I can't help feel a little :( 

I can't be the only one whose lo isn't doing half the things the other ones are.....

Chunk is 7months now and a real character but he isn't rolling (almost there but not quite), nowhere near sitting up (folds in half!), babbles but no discernible words like dada etc and can't lift his chest off floor well let alone be crawling!!! I'm super proud of my little man and the things he can do just can't help feel little down tha h seems behind ....

Naughty mummy for caring what he can/can do! Xxx


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## emaritska

Perhaps this is the place where we can share our preemies accomplishments knowing there is no judgement from others! I'm very much of the opinion every milestone is special no matter when it comes!


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## dizz

Yep - and we have a couple of competitive milestoners in the family too.

For what it's worth - sitting up has only really clicked in the last fortnight (just as she was turning 9 actual months), although she's always had fantastic head control from very very young (cue me being yelled at by random little old ladies for not supporting the "newborn's" head when she was about 2 months old!), and crawling - no chance at all of that happening yet... health visitor's actually delaying doing her "9 month" (really 8-12 month) check until she's nearer a year after I said I wasn't prepared to have her development marked down as an issue (and in my mind - her marked down as a bit of a failure) so soon in her life!

Part of me is enjoying her staying where I put her still since my SPD is killing me really badly - the other half is looking at these 9 month olds starting to cruise and walk with help and thinking "gawd my pelvis wants you to be able to do this"... especially since after her massive growth spurt she doesn't look at ALL prem anymore - she's actually on the tall side for a full-term 9 month old (gawd what size would she have been if she'd stayed put with a 6 foot 7 father)!


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## AP

Baby club is not the place to be I find for us. It's a difficult one reading the speech and development stuff, seeing kids so young doing and saying stuff my 3.5yr old Cant. If I wasn't part of the team I just wouldn't venture there anymore, but I stay brave ;)

I hated reading (on and off BnB) the "my HV says he's advanced" stuff. I just think "you don't need that head start, why not us?!" :(

(I'd like to imagine no-one would shoot us down for saying these things either, this is a safe haven for us here!)


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## dizz

The one thing I realise is that people say almost every child is "advanced" to their parents - even when they're not. I've had to sit through people going on and on and on about how a relative's elder child is "advanced" - when in reality, I KNOW (I taught nursery/reception primarily for over a decade) she's not - she's actually slightly behind in several areas! But you just smile sweetly and play along with it.

The one that continues to get me is the misconception (and the fact it's the gobby self-rightteous brigade who shout the misconception) that we should do EVERYTHING with preemies later - including weaning, and that weaning on actual age is some kind of "wrong" - and they won't listen to the people who effing well know what they're talking about!

I was trying to get over to some of the children's centre staff a while back just how isolating it can feel having a preemie (especially if like me you don't have warm fuzzy feelings for the NICU so don't really feel you can fit in with ex NICU parents' groups - and there tends to be that mentality among some that if you've got a post-30 weeker you've got nowt to feel bad about) - you tend to get booted out of the due date crowd you were hanging around with as they're all still complaining about feeling huge and tired and what colour they're painting the nursery, but you don't really fit in with the kids born at the same date as yours since they're comparing first smiles, and crawling, and sitting and everything - while you're kind of stuck in this "shouldn't really be here yet" limbo. Plus you feel like a flipping mobile freak show when you DO get out and about!


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## emaritska

Thanks girls feel better knowing I'm not the only one! Totally understand the not fitting in feeling....because Ethan was 34weeks most people write that off as not really early and therefore can't understand why he might be bit behind or say "well my great uncles sisters aunties next door neighbour twice removed baby was born at x weeks and they were walking by 9months!" :/ 

I feel incredibly grateful that we have escaped with a short nicu stay and so far no health issues apart from bacterial meningitis at 11weeks, just get a little downhearted at baby group when I bother to show up! X


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## Sam182

The way I look at it, it's amazing that Alexander can do anything given his history. We are lucky that he has developed well and I am just so thankful for that. Try not to compare, hard as it is not to x


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## mummy to be86

i have been taught by my ot to mark the milestones doesnt not matter what age it is it is development which is great, it is disheartening seeing my friends on fb with younger babies then mine crawling walking sitting etc my twins were born 3 month earlier had alot of problems alfie is starting to drag himself round the floor and thomas is unable to do alot cant roll crawl sit etc but he developing slowly which is great they are now 15months old have been through alot


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## vixxen

I'm with you peeps, my baby was born practically full term but is behind in everything and still i get upset even knowing how much my lo has accomplished in her small life and how lucky i am to have her.
I just can't help feeling crap and still no real answers from docs,she may catch up after her next op she might not.
She is still a dot at 53 cms long and 10lb 11 my 2nd babe was 56cm at birth:wacko:


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## Chatterwockin

take it all with a pinch of salt.... if you believe what people say on these threads, then half the population is doing tax returns at 6 months . seriously... when I comment I usually say about both my boys...one was early at everything the other took his time! x don't let them make you feel bad with the bull that's talked!


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## Springflower

I could have written your thread! I try not to read those threads now because I get stressed. 

Indy has been late reaching all her milestones. Still not sitting, rolls only when we force it but tbd she can do it. And is showing no signs of hand to mouth with food. 

We are lucky that we have a great hv and her hospital consultant see her every three months. Both have said as long as she keeps doing new things it's fine. Both have instructed me to ignore other babies achievements and just focus on our baby, which I'm trying to do. 

xxx


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## Foogirl

Milestones schmilestones. Hate them. What do they even mean? Seriously, its not like they go on your C.V 

_".......yeah, we've narrowed it down to two candidates for the Director General's job....I think we'll go with Bob, he crawled when he was 6 months. Jim never did it til he was 9 months, obviously not up for the job....."_

We never even bothered looking. Abby did what she did, when she was ready to do it. The only thing I remember actually getting excited about her doing for the first time as a baby was proper laughing. She was sitting on my dad's knee and he made her giggle. I happened to catch it on video. I have no idea how old she was, I think about 6 months. I daresay without the video I'd have forgotten that too.

The rest of it...well I've no idea what or when her first word was, when she rolled over etc etc. It became clear at a year old she was starting to have some mobility issues so we did what we needed to do. She finally crawled at 2 and a half and for sure we celebrated. Not because it was a "milestone" but because it showed there was some improvement in her condition. If she ever takes her first step we'll be equally excited.

I am bothered now that Dizz reckons everyone says other people's children are advanced, even if they are not. Cos this is what everyone says about Abby......even her nursery ladies / key worker, and her early years education lady.:dohh: (actually, we do know she is a little bit bright, already I can't answer her questions!:haha:)

Don't get drawn in to a comparison. Just smile sweetly and say you're happy your little miracle has been using all their strength, just to be alive at this point.


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## AP

Pfffftttt . Abby is the next prime minister. True story!

PS OMG I'll see You's in 4 days :happydance:


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## mommy0629

Yeah, I feel sort of the same way, I stay away form those threads in baby club though lol. I DO need to spend more time in here instead of just popping in every so often to offer support for those still in the NICU etc.

The thing that's really bothering me is people (family and friends) saying Oh, she doesn't _look_ like she was a preemie, you'd never know! Now, I know they mean it in a GOOD way, but then they're expecting her to be developmentally on track also just because her size is. I LOVE our pediatrician, have had the same one since my ds was born 8 years ago, but I got a little unnerved today when she mentioned that Leah's getting that flat head in the back - well obviously she can't sit up yet, I do tummy time everyday, we all take turns holding her on our laps and talking to/playing with her so she's not constantly on her back - what else am I supposed to do?? When she asked if she rolled over yet and I said no, not even close, she looked a bit surprized :shrug:

Then I have my freekin aunt, every time we see her she says to Leah, Oh, I can't wait until your crawling around! Umm, you're gonna be waiting quite a while!

I guess it just irritates me that my family is almost forgetting that she's a preemie because she doesn't look like one, ya know? Then there's the _chubby_ comments... I swear next time someones calls my daughter chubby I'm going to mention _their_ chub! :haha:

My little girl has started smiling a LOT and that's the best thing in the world to me right now and all she needs to do :D I also must brag at her acomplishment of STTN for the last month :happydance:


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## lil-lauren

My dd was born at 38 weeks. Not a prem baby i know but i was told she wouldnt make it shed die on god knows how many occassions. T fact that she managed to overcome everything doctors said and able to lay in my arms was t biggest accomplishment she could ever need to over come! Now other babies may do things sooner. My dd sat up at 4.5months old all thouse bits she was really good at but speaking she says a few things thats it. Shes 2 and 3 months. But t way i see it is theres things and times your baby will just get things and times when they enjoy being who they are doing what they are doing. My 22 weeks pregnant and have had an awful time. Shes an iugr baby and although been cleared of infections and chromosone abnormalities once again i have been told pretty much everyweek she wont survive t pregnancy but shes overcome everything so far. T biggest goal me dh and her have to overcome is her surviving this pregnancy and looking into myeyes. Everything else will fall into place when she is ready. Noone knows when einstien (sp) done his first things and looking back now we sure as hell dont care. Theres going to betimes when we all wish our babies couldnt speak as they wont keep quiet couldnt crawl as we cant leave t room for a sec and so on. Your babies are amazing just t way they are. What isreally t need to brag and boast?


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## AP

> _*Theres going to betimes when we all wish our babies couldnt speak as they wont keep quiet *_

Never. Sorry.
When you get to almost 4 years old with severe speech delay (one/two words) that line becomes upsetting

My blog posted last week
https://babygagasdiary.blogspot.co.uk/


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## Foogirl

AtomicPink said:


> _*Theres going to betimes when we all wish our babies couldnt speak as they wont keep quiet *_
> 
> Never. Sorry.
> When you get to almost 4 years old with severe speech delay (one/two words) that line becomes upsetting
> 
> My blog posted last week
> https://babygagasdiary.blogspot.co.uk/Click to expand...

Yup. Just like I'll never ever tell Abby to stay still for 5 minutes. I'll certainly never tell her to sit down, if she ever walks.

And yes....soooo excited.


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## lil-lauren

Iv just reread that and wish wasnt t word i should have used to explain myself. I was told she wouldnt be like 'normal' children. And t fact that she smiles laughs cries and gets upto no good. To me shes a 'normal' child. Im not going to dig myself a hole tring to find t right word as my brain is completely blank right now but i hope you all get what i was trying to say.


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## AP

Don't worry lil-lauren. It's a difficult section here now, some people manage to leave it and move on while others still deal with the repercussions of prematurity and the NICU.


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## Foogirl

Having a child with a disability, I still never know what terminology I'm "supposed" to use and what I'm not. The whole "normal" thing is a bit of a red herring thing. Some dislike it because the opposite word is "abnormal" which has bad connotations. But, actually, it does fit if you look at the definitions. I loved my 12 year old nephew's take on it. Abby isn't normal, or abnormal, she is Abbynormal.:haha:

It's like the term special needs, apparently there is a correct way to use it. And the word disabled isn't right either. I'm sure I've upset a great many people when I talk about Abby and used the wrong terms, but frankly, I couldn't care less. I know what I mean, and I use the language that is right for me and our situation. My motto is, I'm always going to offend someone, I might as well do what suits me.


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## DonnaBallona

Foogirl, I adore the word 'Abbynormal'!!! fantastic!


my little Jude the dude is 3 months and doing nothing yet. not holding head up, not following me with his eyes, he sometimes doesn't focus properly, nowhere near smiling and we aren't STTN yet by any means! 

however, I thank my lucky stars every day he's here with me, and I'm patiently waiting for our turn with these things. I ignore ANY mother that says 'my baby can do X!' or 'my baby could do X by then, will he catch up?' purely because I really couldn't care any less. Jude is on home oxygen, ill just be happy when he's off that, stops turning blue, is able to breathe by himself-not when he rolls, sits...etc. 

We are running to Jude time at the moment- and I'm trying my best to keep it that way :)


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## Foogirl

And all the better for it coming from a 12 year old too!


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## Agiboma

Thanks for starting this thread. When i took M home i stayed away from baby club as i could not relate to the women their my son certainly was "not" doing all the things they where ranting and raving about. Ityt helped to bring down my stress level and concentrate on helping my little guy along at his own pace. M is now 30 months and just started daycare he is way more social talks a lot more and makes me proud everyday. I still wont dare to compare him to term babies his age, i dont havet eh courage and dont want to stress him out.


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## labmommy

uh, yeah.....this thread made my week. Baby clubs are not for the preemie moms. I have friends with children born along with the adjusted age of my child that are sitting and playing with toys already. They were rolling across the room months ago and are now trying to scoot/crawl. On Friday my son just allowed me to bend him into a sit without screaming and arching. That was progress in my book. I take progress as milestones. When we turned in the apnea monitor, that was progress. Though, I ran out and bought an angelcare bed monitor immediately. :wacko: When we no longer had to use a haberman and could drink out of Dr. Brown's was major progress. When we didn't have to feed in a sidelying and he would eat on a boppy, that was HUGE. As long as we are moving forward, we are getting somewhere. I don't know where that somewhere is, but it's somewhere his twin brother doesn't have a chance to get to because he didn't make it out of the NICU.:cry: And that...that is what is my miracle. My baby, that is moving forward on his own terms. We have a wonderful PT and OT through EI that also tell me he is showing progress.


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## AerisandAlex

My DS wasn't rolling or doing anything either, he was still very much an infant even after his first birthday. We contacted a group in our area called Early Intervention for some help on getting him going, he was two months premature, but at this point, I knew he needed a little push in his developmental mile stones. Afterwards, by the time he was 18 months, he was walking with their help, I'd suggest looking up something similar in your area if you're worried. It never hurts to ask for a little help :)

If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been able to communicate with him either, we found out after he turned 2 that he had a problem with his ears where his ear drums weren't responding either and he needed to have surgery. With the therapists help that early intervention set him up with, I was able to talk to him through sign language and then after his surgery, together we were able to get him talking and almost caught up :) We even got him into school early so he can interact with other children too to help speed up his developments :)

Every child is different, I think DS is very smart in his own way and he's done so much with the little time he's been given :) If I was to compare him to my DD, I don't think it'd be very fair at all. DD has had a hospital free life, nothing wrong at all, where as DS has been in and out of hospitals since he was born, he was only 4lbs8oz when he was born at 33 weeks by emerg c-section, had aspiration issues, was diagnosed with asthma and had to have surgery for putting in tubes and removing his adenoids. For everything he's gone through and how he is now, I am very proud of him and think he's done as well as I could do for someone in his position :)


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## anita665

Hey, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here because I don't have a preemie but can relate to the delays part.

My eldest was late for most milestones and I felt it everywhere. I stopped going to mother & baby groups because everyone was showing off about what their LO could do and mine just wasn't. At 18 months he was still just crawling and there would be these 9 month olds running around. Other mums would ask how old he was and just give me a 'look' when I told them. It did really hurt and I had nothing to say about it because I had no idea what was wrong with him at that time. I thought it must be something I was doing.

I guess that people just do it partly because they're proud and partly to make sure they're normal but it's good to remember that there are lots of children who don't fit into that 'normal' catagory. I wouldn't change him for the world and I wish I'd realised it was ok that he wasn't the same much earlier. It would have saved so much hurt.


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## dizz

Thankfully I got out and did the baby groups early (well at about 1 month or so - was going nuts in the house) so most people there saw just how tiny she was and have continued seeing her progress... so I don't tend to get the "why's she not doing X, Y or Z" much, although I have started to get it slightly from the newer crowd who are going. The blessing is that even though she isn't crawling or trying to at all, she's very confident on her tummy - so she LOOKS just to the untrained eye like a crawler who's stopped to play with something interesting - rather than immobile and stuck!

Helps as well that we've got a couple of sets of twins who go along, who were born slightly on the early side so possibly "get" it more than most as well.


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## vermeil

STAY AWAY FROM DEVELOPMENT THREADS! 

There I said it. :haha:

They drove me sick with worry when my son was little. They do you NO good at all. Even if your baby hit a milestone you'd start worrying about the next.

Just listen to your doctor, love and hold your precious one close, of course stimulate them but really, it`s the cuddles that our little miracles need to thrive.

proof: when my son was still in the nicu, when I was finally able to hold him at around 3 weeks, I started doing two hours of kangaroo per day. His oxygen requirements which had been steady at 65+ percent since birth quickly dropped down to about 35. Coincidence? I think not :hugs:


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## DonnaBallona

I do have a question... when do you stop blaming the inability to do things at the same age as peers on prematurity? how old is too old...?

I have a 4 year old prem; who struggles with anything academic. I know I shouldn't have but Iv just read (and replied to) the thread in toddler club and it appears that Brooke is MASSIVLY behind and now I'm really fretting. :( Baby Jude being behind strangely doesnt bother me as he's crossed SO many bridges already and I'm giddy with pride enough- but Brooke is still struggling.
She was 8 weeks early. 

what do you ladies think? am i just not doing enough with her; although at the moment i spend my time just trying to get through my day with 3 small children...
I feel like iv failed her now. I feel sick! :cry:


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## 25weeker

There is a lot of research that says concentration levels etc can be affected by prematurity so I don't think you can put a timeframe on it. There is a massive thread on bliss with parents in England fighting to delay their child school start by a year because with them being born in the summer they are starting a year earlier than if they had been born at term. These children will be 4 starting school and due to their prematurity their parents do not feel they are ready.

Try not to beat yourself. I glanced at a development thread in toddlers section and people where saying their 3-4 year old child can spell their name, count to 50, say the alphabet etc. At 3 Holly can't do that and I would be certain I couldn't do it when starting school at 4 but I learned. While its great if your kid can do it TBH I want holly to enjoy her childhood so if she doesn't want to sit and learn the alphabet because she wants to play with her peppa pig then she can. Obviously there will be a time we will need to push them a bit more but 3-4 is too young in my opinion.


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## AP

DonnaBallona said:


> I do have a question... when do you stop blaming the inability to do things at the same age as peers on prematurity? how old is too old...?
> 
> I have a 4 year old prem; who struggles with anything academic. I know I shouldn't have but Iv just read (and replied to) the thread in toddler club and it appears that Brooke is MASSIVLY behind and now I'm really fretting. :( Baby Jude being behind strangely doesnt bother me as he's crossed SO many bridges already and I'm giddy with pride enough- but Brooke is still struggling.
> She was 8 weeks early.
> 
> what do you ladies think? am i just not doing enough with her; although at the moment i spend my time just trying to get through my day with 3 small children...
> I feel like iv failed her now. I feel sick! :cry:

Its certainly a mix of prematurity and her IVH here. There is no other reasoning for it :shrug: Somehow we are told that all should be well by two and it's not the case for all of us :(



25weeker said:


> *While its great if your kid can do it TBH I want holly to enjoy her childhood so if she doesn't want to sit and learn the alphabet because she wants to play with her peppa pig then she can.* Obviously there will be a time we will need to push them a bit more but 3-4 is too young in my opinion.

I agree! :) The girls aren't gonna give a monkeys about Iggle Piggle and his posse when they are 16 :haha: I think I've managed to get over my fretting and just take Alex as she is. It was a journey though but this is they way it's meant to be I guess!


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## Foogirl

For Abby "prem" will last a lifetime because it caused her Cerebral Palsy.

I think the "it's over by two" thing comes because at that point they can identify the long term issues. So Abby moved from prem to CP.

I think it comes down to your own interaction with others and whether you feel it necessary to explain to them why she is behind. Or whether you feel the team around the child has done enough to provide diagnosis and support.

I think sometimes there is an element of acceptance that they will never "catch up" to their peers. For us that came with her diagnosis. Having that acceptance helped us work out her strengths and her weaknesses so we could concentrate on getting the help she needed and adjust our hopes and fears for her future. I've had to accept she'll never do dance classes, something I'd love for her to experience. Instead she'll be a musical genius - just like her mammy. :haha:


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## AP

See, thing is, I dunno where we fit anymore. i no longer feel like I fit in this section because of the expansion but with no diagnosis or anything for now I dont feel like I fit in SN either :nope:


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## 25weeker

Fit or not I am staying here :rofl: I don't believe my journey is over yet even though everything so far has been ok. While I no longer worry the same about her immune system I am still constantly analysing things she does or how she acts incase some issues arise. School is def going to be a big test with her having a brain bleed.

I also like to give support to people starting this journey and in some cases hope that worst case scenarios don't always happen.

That and the stress of having a bun in the oven :rofl:


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## Foogirl

You fit here, you will always fit here. I still fit here.

To be honest, the SN section doesn't always seem somewhere I fit. There never seem to be many CP mums on it, and I hardly ever get a response.

It is hard to deal with SN without a proper diagnosis. I was against getting one at first but Mr P helped me see the light. It has helped a bit. Although no-one ever knows what CP is, they seem to either mix it up with Cystic Fibrosis or they picture a profoundly disabled child. It's quite good fun to see their reaction when they actually meet her!

But, Alex is a category all by herself. She's so unique and such a superstar! Hopefully you'll find the answers you need soon though.


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## Agiboma

Im staying here its where we belong i feel. I agree the two years and all is well slogan is a bunch of balony in my books. I have friends that are struggling with so many different issues right across the spectrum. I am terrified about school starting and we are so behind in speech IDK what to do anymore except hope for the best.


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## AP

I'm so glad we have each other here, i really am!


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## DonnaBallona

^ I wholeheartedly agree Atomic. I feel really safe here...I often lurk because I don't feel like I know what to say; but have RECIEVED endless support when the going got tough. Brooke is now 4 and I still come here for advice! :cloud9:


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## Agiboma

To a great extent we are all we got, family and friends really dont get it. Certainly cant talk to my friends about M's development when they all got term babies. This is the only place where i dont have to hide anything i am free to say things the way they are and not feel bad or ashamed in any way.Also reassuring to know your not the only one going throught circumstances/situations iykwim.


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## Foogirl

25weeker said:


> That and the stress of having a bun in the oven :rofl:

Whit??? Did I miss something???


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## AP

:rofl: :blush:


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## 25weeker

Foogirl said:


> 25weeker said:
> 
> 
> That and the stress of having a bun in the oven :rofl:
> 
> Whit??? Did I miss something???Click to expand...

Yep I am only 10 weeks though but thankfully this time a singleton pregnancy so hoping i have another 30 weeks to go! Had to pay for a private scan because I was driving myself mad stressing about it being another twin one.


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## dizz

My parents just go into utter denial mode when I mention stuff Erin's "late" with doing - feels like my concerns get fobbed off a bit.

Having said that - we are now mobile (gawd help me) - just roly-polying like crazy to get around (I've had a feeling for a while she'll miss out crawling altogether which is being reinforced by all of this) but by heck the change in her personality is marked - her frustration's dramatically reduced with it.

If it does help - I used to teach a girl who I later found out was a very limits of viability preemie - and by the time I taught her (about 8 years old), apart from her being a little clumsy which could well have just been pre-teen growth spurt and brain not catching up with the revised size of her body - she was absolutely on a par with the rest of her peers ... I'd never have known about the prematurity thing unless I'd been told. She was also flipping taller than ME!


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## bdsummer

I used to feel like this a lot. My LO was 10 weeks prem. I was so bad for comparing to to others also. Its just not worth it! My LO didnt really do anything until 8 months when she learned to properly sit on her own, rolling over was at 10 months but she quickly crawled and walked by 14 months. She is still small and people still look at me a little funny when I say what age she is but I am so much happier now that I don't compare her to other babies. My friends with babies the same age are constantly telling me what their little ones are doing and now I just think to myself, my LO will do it in her own time, she wont be in a nappy at 10 so does it matter if she is out of them at 18 months or 3 and a half, nope not one bit! So just enjoy it all :)


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## Foogirl

25weeker said:


> Foogirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 25weeker said:
> 
> 
> That and the stress of having a bun in the oven :rofl:
> 
> Whit??? Did I miss something???Click to expand...
> 
> Yep I am only 10 weeks though but thankfully this time a singleton pregnancy so hoping i have another 30 weeks to go! Had to pay for a private scan because I was driving myself mad stressing about it being another twin one.Click to expand...

yay! Congratulations!!


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