# Numb....lost....I can't lose my baby :'(



## brandiw

I went for my ultrasound today. What was supposed to be a happy, exciting moment turned horrible in about 10 seconds after they started looking. They found a fluid sac from baby's head to his/her bum, a sac around by the neck, and a sack in his/her tummy, all full of fluid. There was a good strong heartbeat. Right away I was told that it is very obvious Chromosomal abnormalities. I went to my doctor right away, and she looked at the report and said it is not good....IF baby were to go to term...he/she would have no quality of life whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, she said this in a very sympathetic way, not harsh like I made it sound. She then sent me immediately to a specialist. The specialist said the same thing. I got an amnio done....and it is 2-3 weeks until I get results. I will be 20 weeks once the results come in. So, I was told that there is a chance I will miscarry, and if not....we have to discuss the options. That makes me sick to my stomach to hear....I know exactly what they mean....terminate my pregnancy. I feel numb....I feel like my whole world has just been taken away from me, crushed after a 2 minute ultrasound. The thought of "terminating" is horrifying to me....he/she still has a heartbeat....and is still MY baby. I guess the amnio will make everything more clear....but as of right now....I am already grieving....I don't know how else to take all of this. :cry:

I had so much support here after my first loss...I was just hoping for someone who has heard of this before, or has experienced it.

Thank you :hugs:


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## frstndonly

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

I'm so sorry.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Leilani

I am so, so sorry to read this. :hugs: :hugs:

Sorry, I have no advice or wise words to offer, but I am thinking of you and your LO.


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## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry . I lost my Ava at 22 weeks. Everything I thought was fine, I went in to have the Amnio and before they did the Amnio they did a sonogram and there was no heartbeat. I went into labor on my own and gave birth to her, she was my fourth child so my labor was very quick. After testing was done on her there still was no answer, her cells never grew. So my doctor just said he was sure it was a chromosomal abnormality, but I will never know for sure. I know how hard this is for you, but don't give up hope till the results from the Amnio come in, they should be putting a rush on the results. I know it can take 2 weeks, never heard of 3, but my doctor told me ( Before I lost Ava) that he would rush the results and I would know in a week. This is just a horrible thing to go through and I know you are devastated right now, I know exactly how you are feeling. I am really praying for you that they made a mistake and everything will be ok, we are all here for you anytime day or night, you can message me whenever you want, don't forget that. Can you possibly call your doctor and tell them to rush the results, this is horrible that you have to wait so long :cry:

Sending SO SO much love to you. Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## brandiw

Thank you ladies for your repsonses. I need to vent through all of this....and this is a place where you all understand....

I have made a decision that I am definitely NOT going to terminate. No matter what the outcome is, I want nature to take it's course. Even if that means my little sweetheat dies in my arms minutes after being born...at least he/she is in mommy's arms and can let go. I have to be there for him/her if that happens....I can not let my baby die alone.

I have been researching different syndrome's...and while many have awful outcomes, there are managable syndromes as well....so it is just a waiting game until the amnio results come in. Something like Downs doesn't "scare" me whatsoever....but they are suspecting something worse. 

They can't tell me that baby might be a "vegetable" without seeing him/her out in the world....I think that is jumping the gun. I know my baby felt the amnio....the little heartbeat went from 148 to 196...you can't tell me that he/she didn't feel anything....baby knew at that moment that somethin' was in his/her "space"....and wanted it out! My little peanut is gettin' an attitude already ;) Wow....my little joke is the first time I have smiled in 24 hours since finding out.

I am trying so hard to keep even a little glimmer of hope. I have too....I have to fight as hard as I can, even harder...for my baby. I will not give up on him/her....not in a million years. Disfigured, mentally ********, doesn't matter....that is still MY gorgeous babe in there....and me being his/her mommy....will fight to the death for him/her. 

Wow....it feels good to vent. Thank you so so much ladies for letting me vent...it means the world to me. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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## kiki04

Honey I am so sorry :cry: I have a different story than yours as I found out at 16 weeks there was no HB. I never had to come to terms with "making a difficult decision" but I fully support yours. I too would want to hold my baby and have them pass in my arms if that were the case. I am so sorry you are even having to go through this hun :hugs: :hugs:


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## Sweetkat

I am so sorry that you don't have any definitive answers and that you have to go through this in the first place. I am keeping everything crossed for you that the baby is ok and that the doctors are exaggerating. They are only human and they don't have all the answers. I fully support your decision to go ahead. I hope you have your oh/ family for support. Big hugs xxx


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## dizzy65

:hugs:


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## April76

:hugs:


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## socitycourty

:hugs:


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## amotherslove

I am thinking of you and your little one. I hope the best for you both. I think you are very brave to want to carry to term. (Also, you should look up the song "I will carry you" by selah, but be ready for some tears.) Hoping for some good news for you<3


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## pip2009

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I recently found out that my baby had Edwards syndrome after a CVS and we made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy at 15 weeks as they told us she was 'incompatible with life'. I never ever thought I would make a decision like this but for us it was the right decision as we also have a little boy to consider. I just couldn't put him through months of seeing us so upset not knowing whether his sister would survive pregnancy and then if she did, spending however long in hospital and probably never bringing her home. It is the hardest decision anyone can ever make but you have to do the right thing for you and your family and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I am surprised you can't get your amnio results quicker than that - when we had our cvs we got the initial results in 4 days and then the full results came 2 weeks later. I would ask them and push them to get them quicker - the worst part of the whole thing for us was the waiting and wondering.

Big hugs and feel free to pm me if you want to chat xxx


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## laceyinthesky

I am so sorry. :hugs: Lots of prayers your way.


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## brandiw

pip2009 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I recently found out that my baby had Edwards syndrome after a CVS and we made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy at 15 weeks as they told us she was 'incompatible with life'. I never ever thought I would make a decision like this but for us it was the right decision as we also have a little boy to consider. I just couldn't put him through months of seeing us so upset not knowing whether his sister would survive pregnancy and then if she did, spending however long in hospital and probably never bringing her home. It is the hardest decision anyone can ever make but you have to do the right thing for you and your family and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
> 
> I am surprised you can't get your amnio results quicker than that - when we had our cvs we got the initial results in 4 days and then the full results came 2 weeks later. I would ask them and push them to get them quicker - the worst part of the whole thing for us was the waiting and wondering.
> 
> Big hugs and feel free to pm me if you want to chat xxx

Thank you :hugs:

The reason I can't have the initial results is they had problems getting fluid...they had to try twice to get as much as they got...so she didn't want to put me through a third time. She said unfortunately there wasn't enough fluid to do the "fast" results and the complete analysis :nope:

It is just an awful waiting game...it is abolsute torture :cry:


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## tummymummy

Im so sorry your going through this sweetie xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## SabrinaKat

:hugs:


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## Tegans Mama

So sorry hun :hugs:


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## LillyTame

:cry::hugs::hugs::hugs:

So sorry hunny, you are in my prayers. Your decision makes so much sense, I never thought of it that way, but I've never had to make such a tough life decision.


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## IndieGirl

Im so sorry you have to go through this. I know a woman who is going through a similar problem. The doctor told her her last ultra sound would be dec 18th and that they didnt think the baby would survive... the baby has one working kidney which is cystic and would be mentally challenged. Well, She refused to give up hope and her most recent test , I think was the quad test.. came out good. 

I hope everything works out well for you. *hugs*


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## TJMYANGEL

hun im so sorry you are going through this i made the same decision you did in 2010 i got told at ma 19 week scan i got told my wee boy had skeletal dysplasia and asked if i wanted a termination as baby might not survive the pregnany i said no i cherished evey move that ma baby made and every thing sadly at 34.5 weeks i became ill and he was born by emergancy c section and he passed away after only 42 mins it was so hard sometimes i think was i right or wrong for me to have made the decision i made but to hold him for the time i did was worth it he even turned his head and looked at his daddy before he passed i really hope you get a better out come hun cherish every minute you have and if you do decide to do what the doctors ask there is no right or wrong decision take care xxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Just wanted you to know you are on my mind., Nobody should have to go through this, it breaks my heart :cry::cry::cry: I am always here if you need to talk about anything. I am just so sorry, I wish I could do more for you.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## brandiw

Thank you so much to everyone for your stories, your words...just everything.
While nothing makes this easier....it sure does help to have such a wonderful group of people to talk too. Thank you... :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

brandiw said:


> Thank you so much to everyone for your stories, your words...just everything.
> While nothing makes this easier....it sure does help to have such a wonderful group of people to talk too. Thank you... :hugs:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

It helps to at least have people understand what you are going through. The hardest thing for me was that nobody understood and they never will.. You will get through this, it will be a struggle and a lot of pain , but I promise one day it will get better, just know that.. All My Love XOXOXOOX


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## Zaki

Thinking of you, 
sending you my love!!!
this life is evil and unfair..


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## Pink_Sparkle

Sending big hugs to you xx


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## RainbowDrop_x

:hugs:


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## Mahoghani

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to say that I completely understand your decision not to terminate. I found out at 16 weeks that my Silver stopped growing at 14. Later, we found out that he had a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18. Even if he'd been carried to term and born alive his life would likely have been painful and brief. Still, I know, even if I'd found out before he passed what was wrong with him, I still would have carried him as long as he was willing to stay with me. I know how hard these next couple of weeks might be, depending on the outcome, and I hope all the best for you. I hope more than anything that the doctors are wrong and your little one is born as healthy as possible. But, if the worst should come, try to enjoy having your precious baby inside of you as long as you can. You won't realize how much you cherish that until it's gone.


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## brandiw

I just wanted to give a breif update.

We have got some news. First of all...it's a girl :cloud9: 

We got the amnio results back, and also went for another ultrasound. She is not going to make it :cry: :cry: :cry: Too much against her. My poor girl has three major issues.... severe Turners syndrome, a massive cystic hygroma, and fetal hydrops around every organ. Her little heart will not be able to keep up.

I don't have much more to say right now....but I just wanted to let you wonderful ladies know where things stand.

:hugs:


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## Leilani

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: 
My heart goes out to you at this very sad time.


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Brandi, I am so sorry this is happening to your little girl and you. It is like reliving my loss all over and I know all to well this pain and I wish it wouldn't happen to any of us ever.:cry::cry::cry::cry:I wish I could just hug you and walk with you through this, I needed support and I had it but I never had the understanding of someone who really knew what I was going through. I want to be there for women so they know they will get through this and one day may seem far away you will be able to have peace and think of your little girl with a smile instead of a tear . I just want you to know I am always here if you need to talk and I want you to know things one day will get better, I know right now you don't believe this, i didn't either, but it will . My heart breaks for you. Brandi I am so sorry and you are on my mind and in my heart and thoughts. You are SO brave just like I was , but didn't know that at the time, we both are brave ..
From the bottom of my heart I send all my love .XOXOXOXO Andrea :hugs:


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## pip2009

I'm so sorry to hear this, my heart is breaking for you :cry: My little girl had Edwards syndrome and as I said in my previous post we made the heartbreaking decision to terminate as her condition was fatal. Wishing you lots of strength to get through the next few days/weeks, it was (and still is) the hardest time of our lives. Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat. Big hugs xxx 

PS Don't know if you have heard of the charity ARC but they are amazing - they are there to support anyone who has been given a diagnosis like this in pregnancy x


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## Torres

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## SassyLou

:hugs:


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## majored

Im so sorry :cry:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## frstndonly

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Luzelle

Hugs xxxxx


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## sequeena

I'm so sorry :hugs:


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## sophxx

So sorry. X


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## kpk

I'm so sorry you have to experience this


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## NerdyMama

i am so sorry sweetheart :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## robyn1990

So so so so sorry hun
big hugs :(
XXXXXXX


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## avapopsmum

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I lost my baby boy at 21 weeks after my 20 week scan showed he had no kidneys and no fluid around him. We were also told our baby had no chance of survival so made the heartbreaking decision to terminate. It's a decision that no mummy should ever have to make. He was so loved and so wanted but I couldn't bare the thought that he would suffer any longer. I just want you to know that you and your baby girl are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel so sad that another mummy is going through this pain.


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## amygwen

I am so sorry to hear :hugs:


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## Tasha

I am so sorry. :hugs:


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## Cheska

So very sorry. Lots of hugs to you xxx


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## 3xscharmer

:hugs: So very sorry, wish no-one ever had to go through this pain, sending lots of love your way :hugs:


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## TJMYANGEL

im so sorry to here the news hun xxx


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## Maxparedesmom

im so sorry i just lost my baby 12/20/12 i know how hard it can be ..


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## houli1983

So sorry to hear about your baby :hugs: :hugs:


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## cherrylee

I'm so sorry, hugs.


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## donna779

I'm so sorry :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Just thinking about you, how are you doing? Please update when you can..
Sending much love :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## brandiw

Andypanda6570 said:


> :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> Just thinking about you, how are you doing? Please update when you can..
> Sending much love :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


I am doing about the same. I go for another ultrasound tomorrow to check on Miss Maddy....I am terrified. I have a gut feeling that we will be told something significant....I just don't know what, if it will be good or bad. Of course my worst fear is being told her heart has stopped....I am just not ready to hear that. But then again....I will never be ready to hear that. :cry:

I will definitely update after my u/s tomorrow :hugs:


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## brandiw

I just wanted to add....I changed my profile picture to my little sweetheart, my Madelyn Rael :cloud9: I just had to show off my little beauty. I LOVE how her hands are up by her mouth....I am so so in love with her....

I sure hope you can see the picture, and my little princess :hugs:


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## Tasha

I can see it and she is beautiful. Will vbe thinking of you x


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## Andypanda6570

brandiw said:


> I just wanted to add....I changed my profile picture to my little sweetheart, my Madelyn Rael :cloud9: I just had to show off my little beauty. I LOVE how her hands are up by her mouth....I am so so in love with her....
> 
> I sure hope you can see the picture, and my little princess :hugs:

I can see her and Madelyn Rael is gorgeous !!! :cloud9::cloud9::cloud9:

Miss Maddy and her mommy are both so special and so loved. I hope things go good tomorrow at the U-S . I look forward to reading an update. My thoughts, love and prayers are with you.. XOXOXOXOXOXOO All My Love, Andrea :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## nicki01

I'm so so sorry! I can't imagine what you must be going through. Xxxxx


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## brandiw

Tasha said:


> I can see it and she is beautiful. Will vbe thinking of you x

Thank you :hugs:

I am in love with her picture...how her little hand is covering her nose/mouth...so so sweet my little Maddy :cloud9:


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## brandiw

Definitely not the ultrasound results we have been hoping for yesterday. Maddy is not getting any better....the fluid is getting worse :cry: Her little heart is still beating, but slowing down since the last visit. No one should ever, EVER have to make arrangements for when their baby passes, I can't think of anything worse than making those arrangements for your child. Thank God for my sister...who is doing that for me....I just can't do it :cry: I am so thankful for Jill (my sister), because this is very hard for her as well. I think I will be at peace when Maddy finally lets go....then the long road of healing can begin. Until then though....as long as that little heart beats, I am going to cherish every single day I have with her :cloud9:


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## AP

Sending you massive hugs, she is indeed beautiful <3 xxxxx :hugs:


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## Andypanda6570

brandiw said:


> Definitely not the ultrasound results we have been hoping for yesterday. Maddy is not getting any better....the fluid is getting worse :cry: Her little heart is still beating, but slowing down since the last visit. No one should ever, EVER have to make arrangements for when their baby passes, I can't think of anything worse than making those arrangements for your child. Thank God for my sister...who is doing that for me....I just can't do it :cry: I am so thankful for Jill (my sister), because this is very hard for her as well. I think I will be at peace when Maddy finally lets go....then the long road of healing can begin. Until then though....as long as that little heart beats, I am going to cherish every single day I have with her :cloud9:

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Oh Brandi. I am just sitting here in tears, I am so so sorry. My God I wish I could be there and help you through this. My heart is just breaking for you :cry::cry::cry::cry: Please know I am thinking of you all the time and Miss Maddy, sending so much love and some hope and peace. I am always here, Brandi.. All My Love :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## frstndonly

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

So horribly sorry that you are going through this. Your little Maddy is gorgeous, beutiful picture. You two are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Lovn.sunshine

My heart absolutely breaks for you. No one, ever, should have to experience this. 
Your baby girl is absolutely beautiful. 
Sending you hugs :hugs:


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## Lottelotte

You little girl Madelyn is beautiful. 

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, it is something no mother should have to do. 


Xx


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## 3Beans

Lots of hugs & prayers.


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## // arcadia

:hugs: xxxx


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## Tasha

I am thinking of you and Miss Maddy lots x


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## Maxparedesmom

I'm so sorry :cry:


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## Tasha

Thinking of you x


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## nicki01

Im so sorry! Your little one is so precious! I will be thinking off you.


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## brandiw

I just wanted to give a quick update.

Madelyn Rael was peacefully born sleeping Janurary 8th at 11:26 pm. She weighed just under one pound. She is just perfect in every single way...she is beautiful....and I am so so in love with her. I had lots of time, although not enough....to hold her, snuggle her, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her. I feel absolutely lost without her now. That was the worst time of my life, having to say goodbye.....but if I could live in that moment forever, of having her in my arms....I would do it, no matter how much pain it caused me. I just need to hold my baby girl again... 

One other thing that was found....they determined that she had passed a few days prior to me going in to be induced....so I am very thankful to have been given that information. Although I still knew that induction was the best choice, I am so very thankful that my little sweetheart went on her own before any of that....she went peacefully within her mommy.

Thank you for all of your words.....


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## Tasha

I am so sorry. I am glad you had lots of cuddles.

Sweet dreams Madelyn Rael x


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## Lovn.sunshine

Sweet dreams sweet Madelyn Rael. 

:hugs:


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## Maxparedesmom

I'm sorry you had To go through that but please don't feel like your alone and if you need to talk I'm here and I'm pretty sure Any of these wonderful women would be happy to help you through this time .. They have helped me a lot after my late loss ., and again I'm so sorry ..


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## bluebird

Sweet dreams miss Maddy, you are loved :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## NerdyMama

:hugs: I am so sorry, sweet dreams Maddy. My the coming days be gentle on you sweetie. Prayers are with you. :hugs:


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## tag74

Sweet dreams Maddie...you're a brave little fighter.


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## Mellybelle

Many hugs and love to you brandiw :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Sleep sweetly little Maddy :angel:


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## Hangin_On_AGS

I'm very sorry about your loss! Sweet dreams Maddy! Please cover your Mommy and Daddy with your new Angel wings.


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## sophxx

I'm so sorry. X


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## majored

I am very sorry you have had to go through all of this, please take care xx


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## avapopsmum

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sleep tight little angel xx


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## Bluetomato

Im so sorry to hear about your little girl Maddy. My daughter died of Turners syndrome too, and it breaks my heart to think of someone else going though what we went through :( Sending floaty kisses to Maddy and hugs to you xxx


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## littleblonde

Sweet dreams Maddie


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## brandiw

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone.....all of the thoughts and wishes for my Maddy....you know she feels the love and flies a little higher.... :hugs:


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## lili24

I'm so sorry for your loss. Heartbreaking :( x


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## Rachie004

I'm so sorry that you have had to endure this experience and I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been so brave to make the decisions that you did, as hard as they must have been you seemed totally 'at peace' (I don't think that is the best way to say it, I hope you know what I'm trying to get across) with the decisions that you were able to make for yourself and Maddy and I really hope you can take at least a little bit of comfort from that in this terrible time. Lots of love and hugs xx


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## kerrie24

So sorry for your loss x
Rest peacefully now Miss Maddy x


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## Leilani

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Thinking of you. xx


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## TwoRdue

So sorry to hear this as it must not be easy.. sorry or your loss


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## Feb4th2011

:flow:


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## juicyfruity

I am so glad you got to spend that beautiful time with her xx


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## Bernie

so sorry hun:hugs::hugs:


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## needshelp

I'm so thanking you for this forum and hoping I'm welcome to join. Brandi, i'm just starting to go through what your story is...and I admire you for sharing and am looking to "vent" as you have done, I felt like no one understands me...we went for our 12 week scan and fluid is engulfing our little one...they sent us to a specialist where I immediately had a cvs...quick results fish came back saying it was defn not trisomy, downs, or turners ( we have a baby boy again!) however, they found a "hole" in the back of his head and are afraid it is something horrible (I can't remember the name of it as I'm still in shock and numb) but it's where his brain may protrude from his head...and there is fluid building up throughout his body and they believe prognosis is not good, so i'm preparing myself for the worse....it is sooooo hard to grasp and I still cannot figure out why this is happening to me as I try to be super healthy and take vitamins, but as a mom, I cannot fathom losing a baby ( I had a MMC prior to this one and one healthy little 18 month old)...how are you all coping now??? i'm terrified I will have to have another c section to deliver this little guy.....:( thanks for listening


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## DueSeptember

*I am Sorry  *


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## Left wonderin

brandiw said:


> Thank you ladies for your repsonses. I need to vent through all of this....and this is a place where you all understand....
> 
> I have made a decision that I am definitely NOT going to terminate. No matter what the outcome is, I want nature to take it's course. Even if that means my little sweetheat dies in my arms minutes after being born...at least he/she is in mommy's arms and can let go. I have to be there for him/her if that happens....I can not let my baby die alone.
> 
> I have been researching different syndrome's...and while many have awful outcomes, there are managable syndromes as well....so it is just a waiting game until the amnio results come in. Something like Downs doesn't "scare" me whatsoever....but they are suspecting something worse.
> 
> They can't tell me that baby might be a "vegetable" without seeing him/her out in the world....I think that is jumping the gun. I know my baby felt the amnio....the little heartbeat went from 148 to 196...you can't tell me that he/she didn't feel anything....baby knew at that moment that somethin' was in his/her "space"....and wanted it out! My little peanut is gettin' an attitude already ;) Wow....my little joke is the first time I have smiled in 24 hours since finding out.
> 
> I am trying so hard to keep even a little glimmer of hope. I have too....I have to fight as hard as I can, even harder...for my baby. I will not give up on him/her....not in a million years. Disfigured, mentally ********, doesn't matter....that is still MY gorgeous babe in there....and me being his/her mommy....will fight to the death for him/her.
> 
> Wow....it feels good to vent. Thank you so so much ladies for letting me vent...it means the world to me. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

What a brave , courageous mammy you are . And your beautiful baby is very lucky and blessed to have such a strong caring mammy willing to defend and fight for them :)) you and your little miracle will be in my thoughts and prayers xxx


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## brandiw

needshelp said:


> I'm so thanking you for this forum and hoping I'm welcome to join. Brandi, i'm just starting to go through what your story is...and I admire you for sharing and am looking to "vent" as you have done, I felt like no one understands me...we went for our 12 week scan and fluid is engulfing our little one...they sent us to a specialist where I immediately had a cvs...quick results fish came back saying it was defn not trisomy, downs, or turners ( we have a baby boy again!) however, they found a "hole" in the back of his head and are afraid it is something horrible (I can't remember the name of it as I'm still in shock and numb) but it's where his brain may protrude from his head...and there is fluid building up throughout his body and they believe prognosis is not good, so i'm preparing myself for the worse....it is sooooo hard to grasp and I still cannot figure out why this is happening to me as I try to be super healthy and take vitamins, but as a mom, I cannot fathom losing a baby ( I had a MMC prior to this one and one healthy little 18 month old)...how are you all coping now??? i'm terrified I will have to have another c section to deliver this little guy.....:( thanks for listening

I am so sorry that you have to go through this :hugs: It has been just over three months since saying goodbye to Madelyn. While my heart hurts every single day ... it does get easier every day. Not "easier" in the way that I don't miss her or love her as much ... just easier because I am feeling more like myself now. I can laugh, I can enjoy my husband and family, and that feels good. There was a time after losing her that I never thought I would smile again. It feels nice to have more good days than bad. I know it is so very fresh for you right now ... but I am living proof that you can survive this horrible situation. I miss my baby girl like mad every single day. I cry when I go to bed at night. But, I can also look at her pictures now and smile, I can talk about her with my friends and giggle about how very cute she was. You will get there too some day....I promise. Please message me if you need too...


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## brandiw

Left wonderin said:


> brandiw said:
> 
> 
> Thank you ladies for your repsonses. I need to vent through all of this....and this is a place where you all understand....
> 
> I have made a decision that I am definitely NOT going to terminate. No matter what the outcome is, I want nature to take it's course. Even if that means my little sweetheat dies in my arms minutes after being born...at least he/she is in mommy's arms and can let go. I have to be there for him/her if that happens....I can not let my baby die alone.
> 
> I have been researching different syndrome's...and while many have awful outcomes, there are managable syndromes as well....so it is just a waiting game until the amnio results come in. Something like Downs doesn't "scare" me whatsoever....but they are suspecting something worse.
> 
> They can't tell me that baby might be a "vegetable" without seeing him/her out in the world....I think that is jumping the gun. I know my baby felt the amnio....the little heartbeat went from 148 to 196...you can't tell me that he/she didn't feel anything....baby knew at that moment that somethin' was in his/her "space"....and wanted it out! My little peanut is gettin' an attitude already ;) Wow....my little joke is the first time I have smiled in 24 hours since finding out.
> 
> I am trying so hard to keep even a little glimmer of hope. I have too....I have to fight as hard as I can, even harder...for my baby. I will not give up on him/her....not in a million years. Disfigured, mentally ********, doesn't matter....that is still MY gorgeous babe in there....and me being his/her mommy....will fight to the death for him/her.
> 
> Wow....it feels good to vent. Thank you so so much ladies for letting me vent...it means the world to me. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
> 
> What a brave , courageous mammy you are . And your beautiful baby is very lucky and blessed to have such a strong caring mammy willing to defend and fight for them :)) you and your little miracle will be in my thoughts and prayers xxxClick to expand...

Thank you so so much....what a beautiful thing to say...it means a lot to me! :hugs:


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