# Where to go from here...



## moomoo

I've not posted here for a while, life has been busy, for those that remember us hope you're all well?

I don't know which way to turn at the moment, I'm at a loss and I'm finding myself dreading getting up in the morning due to my little boy. 
It's bordering on ridiculous how intense he is, he is constantly in a state of irritation which either manifests as constant sadness/irritability or horrific meltdowns (when I say meltdowns I mean violent/extremely upset/screaming tantrums that sometimes last for hours) he's incredibly hostile to his sister and is for most of the time he's at home. He still dribbles at 5 nearly 6 (ENT ruled out any structural issues) and cannot hold a pencil properly (although can write legibly) he still only eats a limited range of foods and will gag/starve himself if he's served up something on the ever growing "no" foods lists. He is very clumsy and could fall over thin air, he's not coordinated enough to do most of the things his friends do which he obviously finds frustrating. 

When I've spoken to his teacher about his behaviours she always seems shocked and dismissive as he's always the model child at school apparently. He's never been in trouble and is working ahead of where he should be, seems to be very bright in some areas. It seems the strict routine suits him? In fact his school reports came through, saying he has "excellent" fine and gross motor coordination, and can run fast and negotiate obstacles with ease... I'm pretty sure she wasn't talking about my child! :(

He plays/draws obsessively for months and months on end and memorises facts an adult would be proud of, but struggles to remember what I've asked him to walk across the room for. He struggles to make friends, because he doesn't know how to play, or gets in people's spaces too much and they back away. He STILL doesn't *play* with toys and is very sensitive to noises/smells/tastes and textures.

My friend who's an adult occupational therapist, suggested that he might have some sensory processing issues and maybe dyspraxia. But I'm at a loss of where to go from here, or even if I want to?? It would just be nice to know what's going on in his head, or how I can help him in his own little world... And also make sense with what's been going on with him since birth!!

Sorry for the essay, felt like I needed to post this somewhere where people might understand... :(


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## alibaba24

Hi. Does he have any diagnosis or anything :hugs:


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## Nibblenic

Are you wanting help/a label for him? You may struggle is he is different at school, or school dont 'see' anything. 
You can go though your GP or in my area you can self refer to CYPS.


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## sophxx

You could go to the go. Or see how he devolps this next few months. He sounds very much like my son apart from he doesn't have violent melt downs he just goes quiet and hides he's constantly worried anxious or on high alert. Food is hard he will only eat certain things and like your son will gag or not eat.
My lo is 5 but can't write a bike and only went on a slide last week. It could be hard if school aren't seeing what you are at home. Maybe keeping a diary of what is happening would help build a picture. 
My lo is homeschooled but we are waiting before approaching the go for a referral to see how he devolps these next few months 
Please feel free to pm.


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## mummy2o

He might be autistic. Sounds very similar to my son and some things I even tick off and we're both on the spectrum. Don't worry to much about holding a pencil properly, as I still don't at almost 30. I can read my writing, other people can read it then its fine. I tried a range on pencil grippers with my son (as he can't hold a pen either) but he's working on it. He's 8 and on the middle of the spectrum and really passive. I've never known someone who takes everything in his stride. He also dribbled at 5, although that seems to have stopped somewhere between 5-8 as he no longer does that. Don't worry that he only likes certain foods, I was reading a post where a child only ate bananas at 4 for all her meals (also autistic) but in time built a range of food, although limited to what you or I would eat. As for clumsy we'd both trip over our own feet at times.

Autistic people love routine and since your son likes that, was what made me think of autism (plus violent outbursts), my son likes routine but adapts well to change. I'm more a spur of the moment, kind of person myself, although if a plan doesn't go ahead then I'm at a loss.

Also you said he obsessively draws/plays with something for months. It would be known as a special interest. My son could stack at 7 months, as soon as he could sit he'd stack all day and night if I'd let him. At 18 months he was like, I've had enough and never did it since. So scored really badly at his 4 year review, despite being able to go beyond what the doctor wanted earlier at a year old. Then there was In the Night Garden, Thomas phase, etc. Now its the computer which he's always had a love of, but I find it easier to bond with that as one of my special interests is also gaming. Does that sound familiar? Memorising facts is also a good one, my son knows every number in the yellow pages, but if I asked him what he did 5 minutes ago, wouldn't have a clue at 5. Now he's remember little bits at 8 and its great. Boys find it harder to make friends than girls. Although some boys can. My son at 8 got his first real friend, which was great. But until then he was happy being by himself, but his old class loved him and always tried to include him in their games. He was happy with none of it. Now he's trying to seek people out and greets them when they come into class. Also not all people on the spectrum are dumb. My son is a special case (his teacher even says so) but as he didn't have the right access to help he needs, he's stored everything in his head and its just waiting for the right tools to get to it. But they are confident he'll lead a normal life once he finishes. Me, I went to a mainstream school. Top of my class at everything besides sports and English (I have dyslexia also, which didn't help) I decided to be an accountant so that's what I am.

If I was you I'd get him checked out. I meet another mum, when I went on an autistic parenting course said her son was an angel at school and like the devil at home. The school didn't see any problems there as they didn't have any, but the mum was sure something was up. He was diagnosed with autism. She was then in a position to get the help she needed and things set in place for the home.

Meltdowns are normally caused by something. It could be a tiny thing, like a tap dripping which he is being oversensitive about, or something big like he lost a game to his sister. (Although I don't encourage letting him win all the time, as the real world doesn't work like that) But until you figure out what it is, you need to put on your detective hat on and work out why and see if you could change something to stop it. Even the most verbal of children can't tell you what's bothering them if it is autism. Its like something takes over your body and until you can calm down then nothing anyone does is going to help. All you can do, is endure the scream and keep him and his sister safe. How old is his sister? If she's younger then maybe put her in a playpen with her favourite toys or watch a dvd with her, or make a room\area with cushions and cuddle toys and safe items for your son to go calm down. My son rarely has meltdowns, but last time he did he broke the radiator off the wall. Its a new build, so the workmen cut corners, but still an 8 year old shouldn't be able to do that. It soon passed though as his sandwiches were getting cold. (Not going to argue if it works and he's happy again)

Sorry for the long post


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## Thurinius

He does sound a lot like my son who is autistic. He used to be obsessed by drawing and would fill up a whole note pad in a day.
Then he went off drawing and I can't get him to even hold a pen.
At the moment his obsession is with his five comics which he takes everywhere with him and which have to be in a certain order.
My son is very sensitive to noise and shuts down at nursery because he finds it so loud.
He's obsessed by numbers and has memorised several of his times tables and can count to over a hundred.

Like I said lots of similar traits but it doesn't necessarily mean your son is autistic. But I'd go see your health professional and say what you've said here to get some advice.


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## moomoo

No diagnosis, not keen on labelling for labellings sake if you know what I mean. I'd just like to make sense of it a bit better and maybe make life a bit easier? :thumbup:

He absolutely hates change, we went on holiday a few months back and he was awful, constantly in a state of anxiety, he threw his dinner over me one night and didn't even realise he'd done it - it's like he's just as shocked by his actions as the rest of us :nope::nope:

When he was younger he was under speech therapy for delayed speech and drooling, and also a dietician. He was signed off both when his speech caught up. Dietician told me that he gags on foods because he was so sick (awful projectile reflux) for his first year, that he worries that foods will make him sick or burn when coming back up. He also gags at non food items, like stickers - heaven forbid him finding a sticker stuck to the carpet or something :nope:


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## alibaba24

I think a label can only do good because it can help you access support in different areas. If it turns out he's not what his label says then great. I would def be asking for a refferal as you both must be burnt out


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## Thurinius

I'd agree labelling can be useful as it can help you understand more why you son does the things he does. And with understanding comes better ways to control and limit his challenging behaviour


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## mummy2o

I agree with labeling is a good thing. Not for the sake of having a label. I know I have a label, but I don't allow that label control me, rather it be a part of me and I can get help if I need it. Same with my son. If he didn't have his label, he wouldn't be going to the best possible school for him. Although we see each other as people and that's fine. I hardly tell people we're autistic to be honest, only on advice threads like this. But to everyone who knows us, we're just us with some quirks. Unless someone asks I don't tell them. Best part about and invisible disability (I'm including bi-polar, schizophrenia etc in here) no one really asks, so there are probably a few people you know with disabilities and you'll never know.


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## Thurinius

We found labelling useful with my son because we couldn't understand why he was so quiet at nursery, not saying hardly anything when he's quite chatting at home. 
Knowing he was autistic and knowing that some autistic children are sensitive to noise the staff were able to explore that.


I think my point is that with labels come tried and tested strategies. And more understanding of triggers.

And as previous poster says labels do not need to define your son.


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## AP

I can't add much more than the other ladies but you know where I am if you want a chat - and welcome back xxx


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## OmarsMum

Hi moomoo, nice to see you back. 

Here is my insight. Omar is the perfect student and he is the perfect child at school, his report is amazing and is a head of his friends. At home he is intense, as he works so hard at school to remain the perfect child there at home he loses his control.

As for making friends, Omar is awkward at school but with one to one play dates he is much better, after the 2nd or 3rd date with a new friend he is fine. He prefers older children as he is more mature mentally that children his age. 

For the clumsiness and not being coordinated, sports classes made a huge difference for Omar and it reduced his intensity. He burns good energy in classes, he goes to gym, swimming, karate & football. Now he is coordinated he can control a football, he can run properly and he started to learn how to climb


We have the same issue with food, his diet is so limited and his gag reflex is still sensitive. 

As for using a pencil, according to my standards his handwriting is bad lol , according to his teachers he has a perfect grip for his age. He was never flagged for anything at school in fact he is a roll model. 

He gets some obsessions with playing and he gets intense when things don't get his way, but he is better now. He has amazing imagination.

We do loads of meditation, we talk about positive things that happened during the day when we go to bed, we talk about not good behaviors (I use positive words, the word bad or naughty are never used)

He is offered loads of hugs & kisses during the day and unconditional love. He is very sensitive and panics easily. He is also a perfectionist and this used to hold him from trying new things or activities. 

We are 3 adults at home & we take turns in taking care of his emotional needs, he doesn't have a sibling so I can't help in that area, but my friend's son is similar to Omar & he is intense with his "perfect" sister. 

I took Omar for assessment when he was younger, he was assessed at school based on my request, I went through several online asessments but all came back with nothing other than sensitivity and sensory. 

If you need to talk feel free to PM me xx


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## alibaba24

Omar's mum I often see your posts and it really inspires me how you accept and deal with Omar's sensitivities and have him well stimulated and excexcercised too x


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## moomoo

Sorry for the delay I've been unable to log in and finding it really hard to type on my phone. Will reply back later when I have wifi x


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