# Devasted - little angel born at 17 weeks



## dancareoi

I have been writing under miscarriage support section but needed to write under this section as well.
In July 2009 I had MMC at 8 weeks gestation, thought I was 10-11 weeks. Nothing felt right from the start. I had an early scan at private clinic at 8 weeks, as due to my age of 38, i was worried. The scan showed a heartbeat. 1 week later I had an early scan at hospital due to gestational diabetes, the scan showed a heartbeat, but the measurements they gave didnt tie in with the measurements from the week before. I mentioned it to the hospital and said i didnt think it had grown, they said the dates could be different and not to worry .Also I had no pregnancy symptons so was starting to feel uneasy.
Not long after this i got up one morning to find blood - we went to A & E - they asked me questions have you any pain? what is blood like etc, but wouldnt scan me.
I couldnt wait I needed to know so we went to private clinic on the same day and the scan showed no heartbeat.
We had the D & C the same day.
I knew something was wrong from the start, I had also had a nightmare one night and in my dream i was losing my baby and there was loads of blood in the toilet
In the september i became pregnant again. This time I had symptons, but at 7 weeks started bleeding. i went to hospital for early scan and it showed heartbeat and a blood clot in my womb. the hospital told me i would bleed again.
A few days later I started to bleed, like someone had turned, but at the same time dreamt i was walking to school to pick up the other 2, with a little baby boy in a pram.
i had to wait over a week for another scan, and everything was fine.
In May 2010 i had a healthy baby boy.
Last october, at the age of 40 i found i was pregnant again.I had 2 very disturbing dreams in which there was blood in the toilet. this really scared me, but on 8th December 2011 i had a nuchal scan at 13 weeks, all was good and i was told i had a very healthy baby and pregnancy.
Such a refleif. A week or so later we started to share our news and told our 10 & 7 year olds the good news.
On Mon 9th Jan , at 17 weeks and 3 days, i went to hospital for a routine check, on my own, they couldnt find heartbeat. The scan confirmed baby had died at 14 weeks. i had to call my hubby with the news.
he came immediately to the hospital, I was in bits.
next day we had to go back for me to take a tablet to reverse the pregnancy process.
On thurs 12th jan, we were back at the hospital by 7.00am as i had started bleeding.
They inserted a table inside me at 7.40am. At approx 8.40am my little angel was born, without any pain.
Our little angel was prefectly formed, the hospital staff were so good, they put our little one in a tiny moses basket with a blanket and brought baby for us to hold.
Later in the day my husband went home to see the other kids, I had my baby back and sat talking and holding its tiny, but perfectly formed little hand.
I told my little one how much we loved it and would never forget, I kissed it on the head and said goodbye.
We decided not to have a post mortem as it didnt seem right to have such a tiny being poked and prodded. we also decided not to find out whether a boy or a girl, but probably too small to find out anyway.
We have a cremation on monday, just myself and husband to attend and the hospital chaplain, who is going to mention our other little one as well.
The chaplain will be meeting us again Tuesday morning to bury our little angel`s ashes in the babies memorial garden at the hospital.
I am totally empty and devasted at our loss and can not understand why this has happened.
i dont feel like i will ever get over this.
We are having the following poem read at the service, it makes me cry every time i read it, but is beautiful
An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say I wasnt born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
Ive loved you from the start.

Although my body you cant hold
It doesnt mean Im gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, Ill fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

Youll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesnt make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

Im watching over all you do,
Another child youll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then youll understand.

Although Ive never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesnt mean I never was,
An Angel never dies. 



Status: Online


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## Andypanda6570

:cry::cry::cry::cry: I am so sorry for your loss and your story sounds so much like mine. :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

I know how devastating this is, but I promise things do get better, it takes some time.
I have 3 boys 20 ,17 and 11 and at 40 I got pregnant by total accident, my husband didn't want anymore. When i found out I was overjoyed :cloud9: after about 2 months my husband came around and we were excited, he was just worried that I was 40 and he was 39. I told him a lot of people have babies even older than us.

Everything was fine all my scans , my NT was good but my bloods showed 1 in 100 for DS, I was not worried cause my doc said everything all your tests are fine, you got those numbers cause of your age.
Well at 20 weeks I went for the Amnio and before they do the Amnio they do a sonogram as soon as she put the little thing on my belly all the lights started going crazy :cry::cry: she ran out of the room the lady doing the sonogram :cry: I was with my best friend and she ran after her yelling what is going on, I still didn't realize Ava was gone. I look back now and think why didn't I realize she was gone? The doctor came in and tried 2 more times and said I am sorry but she is gone there is no heartbeat. I was hysterical and that was the first time I knew this baby was a girl. I wanted a girl so much but gave up years ago and now i am pregnant by accident and with my dream of a daughter. I wanted to give her all i didn't have, i never had a relationship with my mother, so i desperately wanted that bond with this precious baby. They set me up for a D&E they put the sticks up you to open your cervix and get the baby, at the time I didn't know what a D&E was I was supposed to go to the hospital the next morning for the D&E , when i went home and found out what a D&E was i refused to go to the hospital and I went into labor and had Ava in my bathroom. I didn't care how Ava came into this world as long as she was in one piece, I choose how I wanted her to be born not doctors. I didn't realize I could have bled to death and had a lot of complications, my doctor was livid with me for not getting the D&E and doing it on my own, I didn't care at the time though .
We went to the hospital and we held Ava for awhile and they released me after 3 hours, they did a sonogram and nothing was left. I had a 2 hour labor and she was out, which I knew would be fast.
We buried her on 3/11/2011 and I go to see her all the time. I miss her more than I can express to any one person/
I had a really bad 9 months and only now over 10 months later am I better and stronger and ready to try again.
It has taken me so long to get though this, never over it just through it.
There will come a time when you will let go and live again ,when your body soul and mind will accept thins, I promise you will also get to that point.
I can't tell you how many nights I cried for hours or how many times I cried for days. I couldn't even see a pregnant woman, I can now though.

I promise one day when you think of your angel it will be with a smile and not a tear..
XOXOOX If you ever need to talk or vent i am here, always.. Andrea
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kiki04

Oh hun I am so sorry :( I lost my daughter at 17 weeks as well and had to tell our 3 other children. They didnt take it well and my 4 yr old blamed me. That was tough. I am glad you ventured over here to our group for support as this bunch of ladies is amazing :hugs:

*That poem was read at my daughters ceremony, I love it :cloud9: *


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## dancareoi

Thank you Andrea, It is good to talk to someone who knows exactly how i am feeling, your words have made my cry again.
I am glad to hear you are getting better. I know time is a great healer, but at the moment I feel a great big hole has been left inside me.
I desperately want to try again. Although my little one was not planned either, the maternal emotions and longing for another baby have kicked in.
My husband says it is too soon to discuss,but I know he doesn`t want another. i am heartbroken. If only he could swap bodies with me for just 1 minute he would experience the feelings I have and would change his mind. I am 41 in august and he will be 43, it worries me that time is running out.
Thanks for being there for me. I am here for you too if you need to talk.
Love and hugs, Lisa xxx


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## amanda83

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope if your and your husband feel up to it you will try again :)

Someone said to me a few weeks ago "when god closes a door on you he will always open a window". I love it :)

That was the first time I read that Poem, it broke my heart but everything in it is so true. Thanks for posting it.

Amanda


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## Groovychick

Its a beautiful poem hun and the perfect way to remember your little one. :hugs:


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## jojo23

so sorry for your loss hun and your earlier loss!! i can only say we are all here to support you in whatever you need and the ladies here are wonderful!!!

thinking of you and your little angel xxxxx


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## dancareoi

Thank you all for your kind words, its good to know there are people there when we want to talk. Sometimes its easier o talk to someone like this thanface to face.
love and best wishes to all of you. xxxx


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## OliveBay

Hi there, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I know it probably feels like your whole world has crashed down around you, but it will get easier with time :hugs:


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## daopdesign

That is a beautiful poem :hugs: What you have been through is utterly devestating for anyone and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I lost my LO at 16 weeks and delivered and held him just like you. I'm pregnant again and I have dreams too where I imagine the worst will happen. Sounds like you didn't get a reason either, sometimes thats worse than not knowing! I send you my thoughts and well wishes, good luck for next week, be strong for your angel xxxx


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## LauraLoo1612

I am soo sooo sorry for your loss. :(


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## Bride2b

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what you have been through. I read your post not long after you wrote it yesterday & it just broke my heart that you have gone through this & also that yet another mummy had to find herself here. So much so I just couldnt write a reply. That poem is beautiful & it really does sum things up.

I just want to say good luck for tomorrow with the cremation. The service we had was lovely & I think the anticipation of waiting for it was worse than actually living through the moment that no parent should ever have to go through. I am glad that you are having it sooner rather than later & that you have the ceremony the following day to scatter the ashes. We waited almost 4 weeks to have the funeral & I just found out on Friday our sons ashes can be collected. We lost our baby boy Bertie on 28th Nov (8 weeks tomorrow) at 19 weeks. Its been the most devastating experience, we had been trying for our first baby for 10 months & I was so scared of something happening to him all the way through the pregnancy.

I hope your OH comes round to the idea of trying again. 

I hope you find comfort here & again I'm so sorry that you have had to join us, but everyone on here are such amazing ladies xx


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## dancareoi

Thank you for your kind words.


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## dancareoi

Thank you very much for your lovely reply.
We had our service today, extremely emotional but very beautifully done by the hospital chaplain. He did a very good job, chose the appropriate music for us and mentioned our other little one we lost, saying they would be together, which was lovely.
Tomorrow we will lay our little ones ashes to rest.
I hope you too can now lay your little one to rest and we can both try and move on.
I will always be here of you wish to talk.
thank you for your support and good luck.


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## Nikki_d72

I'm so so sorry for your losses. I'm glad the service went well, your poem is lovely. I hope your Oh comes round to the idea of trying again, he's probably very scared and trying to protect you in his way. I'm so sad to welcome another lady here but welcome, we'll help you any way we can. xxx


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## dancareoi

Thank you fo your kind words.
our little ones ashes were laid to rest today in the babies memorial garden at the hospital. It rained the whole time. The chaplain said it was teardrops from heaven.
I get comfort from thinking that this little one is now reunited with the one we lost in july 2009, hopefully they are together, looking after each other.
In a way a feel a huge weight has now been lifted. Although I am still grieiving I feel we can now try to look forward for the sake of the other 3.
I think my OH is worried the same could happen again and we would have to go through this heartache again as I know he knows how devasted I would be. I too am very worried, but need to take the risk.
We re going away soon for a few days so can have a chat then when we have had time to come to terms with what has happened over the last 2 weeks.
we should have been having a midway scan today at 2.20pm so I can`s stop thinking about that.
Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on,it`s good to have people there to talk to.
I hope all is working out for you and you are coming to terms with you sad loss to.
xxxx


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## Bride2b

Teardrops from heaven is cute xx

I'm glad that you have managed to lay your LO to rest. I think until all these milestones are completed its very hard to look forward. 

I hope you felt ok at the time when your scan was due. I really beat myself up & felt so sad when my 20 weeks scan time came...literally exactly one week to the minute that my waters broke! So I had to relive the whole "one week ago my waters broke & I should be seeing my baby on the scan and finding out what 'it' is" Ugh!!!

Hope you have a lovely little break away, thats probably exactly what you need. 

xx


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## dancareoi

I know what you mean about milestones I think the due date will be the worst one.
I keep looking back and saying this time 3 weeks ago all was good and I thought i was pregnant, everything was good.
Nearly upgraded my mood sign to sad yesterday from dead, but feeling bad again today, I suppose there will be good days and bad days.
I need to be strong now in front of the children. My 10 year old boy is a lovely lad, very caring and very sensitive. He doesn`t like to see me sad as it upsets him. The other day my daughter asked him if he was ok, he said he was and then pointed to his heart and said `but not in here`.
He has been upset by all of this, so I now need to be strong in front of him so that he can feel better too.
I hope all is going well for you.


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## Andypanda6570

dancareoi said:


> I know what you mean about milestones I think the due date will be the worst one.
> I keep looking back and saying this time 3 weeks ago all was good and I thought i was pregnant, everything was good.
> Nearly upgraded my mood sign to sad yesterday from dead, but feeling bad again today, I suppose there will be good days and bad days.
> I need to be strong now in front of the children. My 10 year old boy is a lovely lad, very caring and very sensitive. He doesn`t like to see me sad as it upsets him. The other day my daughter asked him if he was ok, he said he was and then pointed to his heart and said `but not in here`.
> He has been upset by all of this, so I now need to be strong in front of him so that he can feel better too.
> I hope all is going well for you.

There will be good days and bad, but in time the good days are more. I lost Ava almost 11 months agao and I am better, but the last 2 nights I have been crying a lot. For me I thought my due date was going to be horrible, but it was the 6 month of her death that hit me so hard, not sure why. Now it will be a year on March 3rd and i am dreading it, I feel like my body is getting ready for a mourning period . :cry::cry::cry: That is the nature of grief , it comes and goes. I am so sorry for your loss and I am happy your angel is at peace.. XOXOOX Thinking of you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## dancareoi

Everything I do at the moment that I haven`t done for a while I say to myself `last time i did this I was pregnant, or thought I was`
Yesterday we laid the ashes to rest, but today I feel worse than yesterday.
Perhaps the thought of the one year annivery is on your mind more than you think. That too will be another milestone, may be once the anniversary has passed, things will start to get even easier.
I have been chatting to you a lot in the last few days (amanda is it?) and have also read your postings on other threads, am I right in thinking you are trying again?
This is what I want more than anything, although i am so scared of losing another, the thought of not having another and being left with this big empty hole is worse.
We are going away in a couple of weeks time when the kids are off school for a week due to half term break.
My Oh and I have decided to have a chat then about our future plans, when we have had a little more time to get our heads around what has happened.
We have been together for 23 1/2 years (i was 17 when we met and he was 19) we will have been married for 15 years in august this year. This is the toughest thing we have ever been through(worse than the first loss we had) yet in a strange way it has made us closer. He knows how desperately i want another, but he is looking more sensibly at things as he knows how devasted I would be if we tried again and lost another.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on, it is such a comfort to speak to someone who has been there and is a little further down the line.
Best wishes, Lisa xx


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## Bride2b

I know how you feel about "the last time I did this I was pregnant," I cried when we ordered chinese for the first time after my loss as I had a chinese the night I found out I was pregnant as I really fancied. To an outsider that would probably class me as bordering on psychotic! But it really hurts. The jeans I wore the day I lost Bertie have been hung over my wardrobe door since I took them off before my waters broke. I think I might have leaked amniotic fluid (didnt realise this at the time) when I was wearing them. I havent brought myself to wash them. I dont think I can wear them again as they remind me of the moments running up to when I lost him. There are constant reminders!

I'd like to say it gets better, it does with time. I have more good days now than when it first happened, but everyday my heart aches for him. Yesterday was 8 weeks & 1 day since I lost him & I literally spent the whole day in tears. Mostly thinking that I have to go collect his ashes & am now having to decide what to do with them. I also want to make/buy a memory box to put the scan pictures in, his footprints etc. So this is playing on my mind.

As to trying again, I think your OH is terrified for have this happen again. They dont have the same instinct to desperately want to be pregnant again. I think about being pregnant & getting pregnant every minute of everyday & am doing everything I can to make sure that when I try next month I have the best chance ever to be successful. 

Your ten year old sounds adorable :cry:


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## dancareoi

My 10 year is adorable, thank you.
Your feelings are exactly the same as mine. I think only a woman can experience these strong feelings, as the OH are not as connected from the start as we are. As soon as we find out we are pregnant you can feel that connection of wanting to love and protect, it`s very hard.
I had some maternity clothes for christmas, which are now just hanging in the wardrobe which I will hold onto for now.
they day I found I lost my LO i was wearing a new maternity top - I am going to get rid of this, it feels like it has bad luck, so I know how you feel about the jeans.
We laid the ashes to rest yesterday and I felt a kind of relief that we now had closure, although today for some reason I feel sadder than I did yesterday.
i suppose we need to take each day as it comes.
I too constantly think of being pregnant again and am so worried about losing another.
I am 40 now and they say 1 in 2 pregnancies over 40 end in miscarriage, so I`m hoping this one was the 1 in 2, so the next will be ok!
I hope all goes well for you in the next few weeks, please keep in touch as i would like to keep chatting, we have both been through the same experience within a few weeks of each other and both want to try again.
Thinking of you


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