# Naming the baby - should I involve him?



## suzanne108

I've just seen an email from FOB where he's said that he wants to be involved in naming the baby. 

I've already decided on names more or less...maybe I'll change my mind when baby is here but I have a shortlist in case that happens. 

Should I involve him?? I mean, I don't want to, and probably won't since I've already got my names....I just don't know how to say this to him. 

I've only started hearing from him in the last week or so since we split up when I was 13 weeks pregnant. And at that point he didn't want the baby, said it would ruin his life etc etc. I hate the fact that he's decided to walk back into my life and be involved etc, and there's nothing I can do about it. 

Help please!!


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## moomin_troll

well he has no right to name ur baby if he doesnt want anything to do with him or her when shes born.

so id tell him to actualy prove he has the right before the childs born and then id think about it.

but only u can decide this x

also he doesnt actualy have any right to jsut walk into ur life again, ur not married so his name doesnt have to be put on the birth cert as he has to be there for this to be done, and if u dont add his name to the birth cert he then will have to take u to court to prove the baby is actualy his


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## suzanne108

He's now saying he does want to be involved when the baby is here. But as he lives 2-3 hours away I have a feeling that it won't last..as he'll have to keep driving here. I just can't see him doing it on a regular basis. 

Basically what I should have said in my first post is that I'm not gonna let him be involved in names...I just don't know how to tell him!! 

I try to make sure everything I have in writing is very civil so .... I dunno how to word it!


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## lou_w34

I basically just told my ex what i decided to call her, i did it in a text, and just casually mentioned, by the way "ive decided to called her scarlett" and he didnt say much about it. I may change my mind when shes born, but at least he knows, its my decision. He sounds a bit like your ex, only wants to be involved when it suits him.

Tell your ex, that you have already decided on a name, and since he wasnt around at the time to help you, he's lost his chance. Dont do him any favours, especially if you think he's just gunna change his mind again and bugger off again.

I wa scared about how too word it aswell, and if you need to text it or email it, id just do it that way, be very civil about it, and just explain, that since he's only just decided to come back into your life, he has missed his chance and you have picked the names YOU like. Tell him the names, and if he decides to be a grown up about it, he will tell you he likes the names, whether or not if thats the truth.

It annoys me that men think they can swan in and out of ours lives, but only want to be involved when it suits them :growlmad:


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## Serene123

It's his baby too?


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## suzanne108

I hate it! I mean...I've spent the last 15 weeks or so getting used to the idea that I'm gonna be a single mum. Although the baby wasn't planned I've always looked forward to being pregnant and wanted to really enjoy the experience...all the shit he's put me through has kinda took all that away from me. Now I'm happy and he's decided to waltz back in like he never did anything wrong!! He didn't want to be involved in the horrible decisions like whether to have the triple test...but he wants all the nice stuff!

Arrrrgggh its so annoying. 

I think I might just email him back and say:

*I've already decided on Lola Emily or Joshua William. I do have a shortlist just in case I change my mind when I see the baby. My shortlist includes .... blah blah.... The baby will be having my surname.

Since I haven't heard from you until now I felt that it was my decision and you didn't seem interested anyway.*


What do you think???


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## suzanne108

toriaaaaTRASH said:


> It's his baby too?

Yes.


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## Serene123

Well would you like it if you had to call your baby a name you didn't like? :wacko:


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## suzanne108

toriaaaaTRASH said:


> Well would you like it if you had to call your baby a name you didn't like? :wacko:


This is a baby that he wanted to get rid of. 

This baby is apparently going to ruin his life and career. 

He didn't come to the scan because he basically couldn't be arsed. He didn't want a picture and didn't ask how it went. 

I've not heard from him for *14 WEEKS!* (apart from when he sent me a facebook message to say that he wasn't coming to the scan)

Half of his friends don't even know he's about to be a father because he's too ashamed to tell them.


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## lou_w34

I think what you wrote sounds reasonable to me :flower: Do what YOU think is best. After all, you alone have been the one who has been nurturing this baby, without any involvment from him! If he really wants to be involved, he will start to put some effort in.


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## Serene123

Yeah, I've been in your position but I would never, ever have told him he couldn't have a say in his childs name. Quite honestly I think you should tell him the names you've chosen and ask him for his opinion on them. He is still the dad and if he's coming around you don't want to push him away.


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## purpledahlia

I think what you wrote is fair enough, I wouldnt give my baby the FOB's surname either. He left you to deal with EVERYTHING, and you have and you are the same as me and got used to doing it alone, they cant just waltz in and have it their way 2 months before the baby is due! where was he when you were going thru the tougher times? out drunk or something? why does he have a right to be involved in decision making now... cos it suits him?? pfftt. 

I chose my babys name, luckily the FOB likes it and thats that, he knows shes having my best frineds name as middle name and my surname, and thats that. he knows he doesnt have a right to demand anything, 

remember we dont owe these guys anything suzanne. They need to proove they are sticking around for the long run now.. not just being involved for one important decision then F*ing off again when it comes to birth.Then swannig back whenever they feel like it.


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## babyndme

I named the baby myself even tho FOB wanted to be involved, he wasnt aroud for half the pregnancy no matter how hard it was. i know it was really the wrong thing to do, but he wasnt around, nd still not so i decided to choose the name myself =] xx


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## suzanne108

Thanks for your opinions girlies. 

I do get the impression he'll swan in and out of my life as its all he's done so far. I might be wrong, who knows. 

Think I've decided I'll tell him my favourites and say I've pretty much decided on those. Then I'll give him my back up list...tell him he's welcome to give his opinions, if there is a certain name he absolutely hates then maybe I'll _think_ about not using it. But I still see it as my decision...if he says he hates the name Joshua and I have a boy...chances are I'll probably still use it!


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## teal

I agree that what you've said is reasonable. As you said why should he get to be involved in all the nice things and leave you alone to deal with the scary things (like what tests to have done). 
:hugs: xx


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## DizzyMoo

I also agree what you wrote sounds fair enough to me hun, Just because he provided sperm that does not mean he is a DADDY or that he has the right to a say in anything, You have to earn that right imo. 
Why on earth should he be allowed to swan off for months then suddenly come back & expect to have a say in certain things? It doesn't work like that & he can't expect you to agree to it either. 

I've gone through this hun, Fob wanted baby to have his surname but yet why should he? Then he denied bump was even his? Whilst having a go at me for picking bumps name which as yet i haven't told him what it is. He hasn't been involved 1 little bit, he no longer speaks & at the time he did speak he was to obsessed with abusing me than asking about his baby. I chose bumps 1st name & bump will have my surname after all i am the one caring for this baby & making sure he has what he needs not him. Since he denied bump was his then imo he washed his hands there & then.


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## woadie

I think you're doing the right thing, suzanne. When someone has hurt you as much as he has, tried to persuade you to get rid of it, left you not knowing if he'll ever be around for the child, refused to take any responsibility and now leaves you with the distinct impression that a lot of that irresponsibility will ever change... you as the main caregiver, the nurturer, the woman who has carried this child and vowed to love it and cherish it for its whole life, when the father has stated the opposite... well, I think that tiny little right of choosing a name should be all yours. After all, its not exactly something big like telling him he cannot have contact, and as I read earlier someone rightfully said that maybe for once he can show just a tiny bit of maturity and congratulate you on the name choice for the baby he decded was to be all yours for so long... ;)

Nice names too by the way! :D


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## Novbaby08

I named my daughter all by myself. I didn't ask him or give him a choice. If he isn't with me through the pregnancy, even as a friend. Then why should I allow him to make any decisions.
Seeing as how he hasn't been around, leave his ass behind. You've been doing just fine without him. He has no right to suddenly expect anything from you. This is YOUR baby now. Not his. Good luck with whatever you decide. :hugs:


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## suzanne108

You're all so right :)

When I was trying to decide whether I wanted the quad test, I asked for his opinion and he didn't want to be involved in that. I'm such a worrier that it was a horrible decision to make and obviously its more than one decision as you have to think "what if it comes back high risk" and "what if the baby has downs". 

Off topic but the point is that he didn't want anything to do with that decision...but he wants to be involved in the nice naming decision. 

Well I replied telling him my favourite names, with my shortlist. Said he was welcome to give his opinion. Said I'd spent hours looking through baby name books and on websites, these were the only names I really loved so I hoped he liked them. I wanted to sound civil, but like I said before...if he said he hated a name it wouldn't stop me from using it, maybe I'd be evil and like the name even more haha!!! 

I haven't heard anything back although I think he must have seen it as his facebook status has been updated!! Will keep you updated :) xx


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## babybaillie

I would email him ur shortlist. Try and keep things amicable for the sake of the baby. It would be best if he could be in the babies life. See how he likes ur shortlist, even ask him to come up with a shortlist of his own, u never no u may like his suggestions too


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## sleepinbeauty

I think youo're going about this just fine. DO NOT give your baby his last name though. You're the one carrying and will probably the primary caregiver. You deserve the last name. If you were to get along an dsomeday get married, you can all switch names then.

(That's my plan of action, anyway)


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## KaeRit21

i havent given bubs sperm donor a say in the names, as hes decided to shut the door and is now ignoring mine, my familys and babys existence. imo, he hasnt bothered to see how his baby is, hasnt paid for one thing baby needs or has and done nothing but lie and cause me stress...why should i let him name my baby? bubs will also be given my surname and im NOT taking him with me to register baby either...i dont even want him on the BC.

so, hun, i think its your decision but at the end of the day, what has he done to earn the right to be involved in naming this baby??

xxxx


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## purpledahlia

yup, im doing the same as kirstin!


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## suzanne108

KaeRit21 said:


> so, hun, i think its your decision but at the end of the day, what has he done to earn the right to be involved in naming this baby??
> 
> xxxx


Good question.....the answer is NOTHING!!! 

I'm glad most of us are in agreement about this.... and that I'm not being unnecessarily evil :wacko:

xxx


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## purpledahlia

the only evil people in these situations are the men, and the evilness is not towards us, but towards their babies, theyre evil men!


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## suzanne108

sleepinbeauty said:


> I think youo're going about this just fine. DO NOT give your baby his last name though. You're the one carrying and will probably the primary caregiver. You deserve the last name. If you were to get along an dsomeday get married, you can all switch names then.
> 
> (That's my plan of action, anyway)


Don't worry I am definitely 100% absolutely giving the baby my surname hehe, no doubt about that!! :flower:


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## Novbaby08

Good for you, I did the same thing. And let me tell you, the look on his face when he not only found out he wasn't on the birth certificate but that she has my last name instead of his as well.....it was everything I could have dreamed of and more!! :rofl: He never has gotten over it either!


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## suzanne108

Well, still no reply from him which I think shows just how bothered he is. 

He's deffo been online as there are things on facebook...and he's off work with a broken collarbone so not like he's been busy!!


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## purpledahlia

screw him! ( not litterally )


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## woadie

Novbaby08 said:


> Good for you, I did the same thing. And let me tell you, the look on his face when he not only found out he wasn't on the birth certificate but that she has my last name instead of his as well.....it was everything I could have dreamed of and more!! :rofl: He never has gotten over it either!

Now that made me smile... lol.... thats priceless lol


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## princessellie

you girls are all so considerate lol, i am still with leylas dad and i gave him no choice at all in the name lol, i told him we are calling her leyla and if u decide that u want to squeeze her out of your very small hole then you can name her whatever it is that you want lmao

he said ok

x


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## precious-gift

im with you on this one, my ex didn't have a say on jakes name (i know that he dislikes this name!) and he has my maiden surname, i expected the registrar to ask if my ex husband agreed to his name, but she wasn't bothered :shrug: he has done nothing for his son


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## suzanne108

He finally replied!! With his list of suggestions....although I made it clear that I'd gone through every name in my name book!! 

Anyway he hates the name William which I've chosen for a middle name if I have a boy. So now I'm thinking of using it as a first name :rofl: only joking!! I picked William because thats my late Grandads name so I'm afraid he'll have to like it or lump it! 

Luckily he did like my other names....I couldn't be bothered with any arguing so thats the only reason I say luckily!


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## lou_w34

I love william! It can be shortened to billy when their all lil and cute, and when there a teenager it can be shortened to will, then when there a old man it becomes bill. If i had a boy it was either between william or finley! Tell him its only a middle name, not a first name, and to lump it lol :flower:


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## purpledahlia

yeah i am the same, FOB 'luckily' likes ' Ava ' and he even said he was sure we werent gonna agree, but i was just thinking, ' err.. im deciding her name.. i dont care if you like it or not.. you havnt even seen bump or scan or felt her move or anything.. why does he have the right. ' If he had hated the name i would still be using it. 

William is a lovely name and has sentimental value to you, so like you say, he can lump it!! 
x


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## Mocha

> also he doesnt actualy have any right to jsut walk into ur life again, ur not married so his name doesnt have to be put on the birth cert as he has to be there for this to be done, and if u dont add his name to the birth cert he then will have to take u to court to prove the baby is actualy his

Ok, come on, that's just plain wrong. You DON'T have to put his name on the birth cert. but to do it so you can deny he's the father is just wrong. That's thinking of yourself, not the baby. Your baby has a right to know his/her father no matter what you think of him.

You very well could still end up a single mom. He might only come around once every week or two. That's up for the two of you to decide. If he's a horrible father then the courts will give primary custody to you. If he's a great father, then don't deny your daughter that (or YOURSELF!).

As for naming your child, tell him that he wasn't around for so long and he said some horrible things, and you picked out some names you like. Go ahead and ask him for his opinion on them - you don't have to change your mind. Maybe he'll disappear again by the time of the birth, or maybe he can even end up being there for support. Who knows. Don't decide the outcome before the time even comes.

William - I love that name too. It IS a middle name, and there's a sentimental reason to choosing it, so I agree that he can just deal with it... just don't even argue it, he might change his mind completely anyway in the coming weeks and then there won't be anything to stress over anyway.


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## teal

I agree William is a lovely name! I'm glad he liked your other names - only glad because it's easier on you :hugs: xx


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## KaeRit21

my fob hates both names ive picked for LO (both girl and boy) and i couldnt care less. takes him a week to ask how babys doing and just expects to be automatically handed baby, and the responsibility. have told him about the surname thing, he wasnt pleased...ive yet to tell him about the BC...

xxx


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## suzanne108

I thought I would mention the surname thing whilst we were on the subject of names. He said he had already guessed....so thank god that was easy! xx


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## Kara1989

Choosing a baby's name is such a tiny part of being a father and I think he has to earn that right. He can't decide that he doesn't want to know about the health of the child (by going to the scan) but then suddenly be interested in naming it. If I were you I would just tell him that you have chosen names but that you would welcome him being an active father. He needs to realise being a father is going to mean driving up and down and being their for his child not just picking up a baby name book. I wasn't with the father of my daughters really when the second one was born but we choose Maxi together because he did continue being a good dad, I was tempted not to listen to him because he'd hurt me but made sure I made my decision on his fathering skills. You should be the same and it doesn't sound like their up to much so really the naming is your decision.


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## sweetlullaby

I have this problem as well about naming LO and FOB's involvement....in the early days of my pregnancy we did mention a few names to each other sorta just threw them around and he said that he hated every single name that i thought were "nice" or "cute" etc and then his name suggestions were names he knew i would never use as they were the names of people who had hurt me in the past or that i didnt like, and his "favourite" name for a boy was the name of a guy that raped me when i was 15 (which he knew about for definate) That still upsets me now, as i would never call my baby after someone so evil. Personally i think he was playing mind games with me and done it on purpose. He has text me in the last few days saying hows u? and then it was "is the baby still kicking?" and "have you thought of any names?" I told him i had and he asked what they were and i very politely told him that the names i had been thinking of meant a lot to me and i wasnt sharing them with anyone (i havnt told ANYONE my name choices lol) because i didnt want their opinions putting me off etc and that everyone will know what LO is called when he/she is born. And he said "oh ok". But the whole BC thing, naming baby, his involvement etc it just messes with my head and im just fed up with all of it because i don't know whats gonna happen. The only thing i do know is that no matter what i do he'll more than likely try and make life difficult for me. I wish someone could come along with a magic wand and just swish away all of my worries and fears.:(


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## purpledahlia

oh im so sorry to hear of your rape, and that the FOB even tried to suggest his name!! thats low. hugs x


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## sweetlullaby

Its ok, it was nearly 5 years ago! Im strong minded and havn't let it affect me, but when FOB said that it was his favourite name etc I was so shocked and hurt because he knew everything I'd been through etc. But sure what can we do? Some guys are real asses! He won't be getting any say in LO's name because im not giving him the chance to have an opinion on any of the names i like. He really doesn't deserve any say whatsoever! OT but i really like your quotes in your signature :)


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## purpledahlia

:D thanks!


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