# Feel angry, sad and upset with others "perfect" birth stories



## holdontohope

Basically.....

My little girls birth was traumatic and heart breaking. She was 5 weeks early and her lungs were very immature. I wasn't even able to hold her till 4 days after she was born. She was immediately transferred to a differnt hospital after birth, sedated and placed on a ventilator to mature her lungs. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks and it was a difficult 2 months for us after birth. 

I didn't get the "happy" birth story where the baby is placed on the moms tummy after birth. Or visitors coming to o and ah over the new little bundle of joy. Flowers, birth pictures, special moments... I missed out on all of that :cry: 

My little girl is healthy and that's all that matters. But I feel "envious" over other peoples positive birth stories.. Still wishing, 3 months later, that's I had something similar. Will that feeling ever go away??

Today a friend had her baby 6 weeks early.. He is bigger then my baby was, had no troubles breathing and spent 20 minutes in the NICU... I am glad she doesn't have to go through what I went through... But why is that so? Why did my baby have such a hard start to life!!! 

Ugh :(


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## lbp897

holdontohope said:


> Basically.....
> 
> My little girls birth was traumatic and heart breaking. She was 5 weeks early and her lungs were very immature. I wasn't even able to hold her till 4 days after she was born. She was immediately transferred to a differnt hospital after birth, sedated and placed on a ventilator to mature her lungs. She was in the NICU for 2 weeks and it was a difficult 2 months for us after birth.
> 
> I didn't get the "happy" birth story where the baby is placed on the moms tummy after birth. Or visitors coming to o and ah over the new little bundle of joy. Flowers, birth pictures, special moments... I missed out on all of that :cry:
> 
> My little girl is healthy and that's all that matters. But I feel "envious" over other peoples positive birth stories.. Still wishing, 3 months later, that's I had something similar. Will that feeling ever go away??
> 
> Today a friend had her baby 6 weeks early.. He is bigger then my baby was, had no troubles breathing and spent 20 minutes in the NICU... I am glad she doesn't have to go through what I went through... But why is that so? Why did my baby have such a hard start to life!!!
> 
> Ugh :(

I don't know if that feeling will go away. I was fortunate enough to have a friend who already went through a nicu experience. We still talk about our little warriors. Having her to remind me how strong we were all being really helped me stay positive.


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## Foogirl

Unfortunately gestation can mean nothing when it comes to how easy or hard the whole thing is. One thing to remember is pregnancy dates can be two weeks out either way so if your LO was actually a couple of weeks behind and hers a couple of weeks ahead there could potentially be a difference of anything up to four weeks gestationally between them. Given every day counts even a week can make a difference.

You will start to feel better about it as time goes on. The thing you've picked out there is the one that still gets to me a little. Missing that birth moment was a hard thing for me to come to terms with, but I reached out to others and found ways to cope. One thing I did was to look at all the little "firsts" we did get to experience. I realised that although our start to parenthood was different, it was no less special. One day you will feel that too. I promise!


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## lbp897

This might sound silly, but I wanted to add it. I also plan on celebrating his nicu birthday as he grows up. I like to think it'll be a special family day. So when he's 20 and maybe spending his birthday with his girlfriend or working or whatever, we'll still have the other special day. It's the little positive things you need to look for.


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## Princesa7

That feeling will go away over time.

I can 100% relate! My oldest (now 13) was born 9.5weeks early,had to be intubated due to his lungs and I couldn't hold him for 5days and he had a 1 month stay in the NICU!! It was sucky to have visitors come to the hospital and see my baby thru a glass window..but the worst was going home w/out him. I'm sure I drove the NICU nurses nuts with my calls daily lol

I never got a baby shower..but had a little welcome home get together after he came home. Plus to top it off he had to be on a apnea machine to monitor his breathing...it was tough. Once your baby hits all the milestones and as time goes on trust me the envious feeling will be gone.


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## misspriss

The pain will probably not go away for a while, I hear future births can help, but I can't imagine it ever being "all okay" for me. It does lessen with time though. My LO is a happy, healthy, completely normal (albeit very small) 7 month old. Developmentally, he has caught up, but he will always be on the smaller side for now.

Mine was 6 weeks early and also spent 2 weeks (and 4 days) in the NICU. I couldn't read birth stories for a long time. I couldn't even stand to see the third tri threads in the new posts search for a long time.

Time helps.


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## Foogirl

lbp897 said:


> This might sound silly, but I wanted to add it. I also plan on celebrating his nicu birthday as he grows up. I like to think it'll be a special family day. So when he's 20 and maybe spending his birthday with his girlfriend or working or whatever, we'll still have the other special day. It's the little positive things you need to look for.

Not silly at all. Abby get's her real birthday and a half birthday celebration on her due date :happydance:


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## sunnylove

I think it is more difficult for moms who had late preemies, because they are typically not expecting a NICU stay since they are so far along, etc. My guy was 14 weeks early and I was expecting him to be in NICU weeks before he was born due to my pregnancy deteriorating. I hate that I didn't get the birth experience with him that I wanted. And I wanted a home birth for crying out loud!! I wanted as natural birth as you can in this day and age. And yet, my child was surgically removed from me 3 months premature, and I didn't get to hold him until he was 5 days old.

We were in the NICU for 103 days, and after THAT long, you kind of come to terms with the fact that not getting the birth story you wanted is the least of your worries! At least that was the case for me! We were lucky my son even lived. So yes, it sucks big time. But there's no going back, there's no rewinding. The only thing we can look at is our children, and be blessed.


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## familygirl30

My boy was born 5 and half weeks early and I had a ecs so was taken to special baby care straight away I got to hold him up in recovery for a bit but then I was sent up to a ward where all the ladies had their babies with them and this sent me to tears as I just wanted to b with my boy,that will always be on my mind


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## Welshgem81

I had a emcs at 34 weeks. It was under ga so didnt get to see lo until she was 3 hours old. Then i was sent to the ward with all mothers with their babies and had to stay there for 4 days as i had post natal hypertension. 2 days after i was discharged i was re admitted because my bp was mega high and i was put on the ante natal ward! So I had to watch all these women coming in, in labour (something I hadnt experienced). I was very bitter to be honest and found it hard to believe id actually had a baby as within a few hours id gone from painting nursery to having a baby without a labour, contraction or being awake at the 'birth'. That was 7 months ago. It does get better. In the begining i did feel i wanted to get pregnant again as id missed out but at the end of the day the most important thing is your lo healthy and you are still a mummy no matter what birth experience you had.  x


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## vermeil

It`s very hard :hugs: My best friend had to have a hospital birth because she had twins. Despite the birth being natural and going great, six months later, she was still crying because she didn`t get the home birth she wanted.

I tried very hard to sound sympathetic, went through the motions but deep down I just couldn`t be. It sounded so ridiculous and petty to me. Yet I know for her this was a deep, real pain so I tried hard to be comforting.

Like Sunnylove I had an early preemie so those dreams of the perfect birth got dashed quickly. I've personally never felt like I missed the birth experience. His arrival was a complete surprise; we had nothing ready, not even a name. So no time to envision that perfect moment. But I'm sure if I had made it a few more weeks, I would had felt the same :hugs: I'm 32 weeks along now with number 2 and yes I`ve started a tiny little bit to allow myself to perhaps imagine a happy birth! Scary ;)

My reaction was more of anger - angry at people whining of being uncomfortable in late pregnancies, angry at new parents worrying about the stupidest things, angry at parents being hysterical because they little one had to stay one night in the nicu because of jaundice. Blah. 

That was three years ago and I can say I'm finally over it. ok ok, full confession birth stories still make me eyeroll :roll: :rofl:


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## Jes.shortcake

Of course I'm jealous of peoples happy and healthy birth stories. I was sent to the hospital by my obgyn bc of my blood pressure at 30 weeks and after they did my blood work and found out I had HELLP syndrome everything happend soooooo fast. No time for the second steroid shot..no time to just have alone time with my husband and hug and cry about our situation...the baby had to be born ASAP. I didn't get to hold him after, only saw him in an isolette for a second on the way out the OR, didn't even get to see him again for 24 hours bc I had to stay in bed hooked up to Magnesium Sulfate. Finally got to hold him after almost 2 weeks. Not exactly the birth story I wanted and those first moments with my son I can never get back.

Now my problem is being jealous of other NICU parents who have had shorter and less complicated stays. My friend had hers at 30 weeks as well but her baby was discharged after 6 weeks while mine is still in the NICU after 12 weeks! He's just had setback after setback after setback. I think I'm just going through a very hard time right now. I'm emotionally drained after almost 3 months of this..I never thought my heart could hurt so much.


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## MissMonty

Yes I totally understand, I too get jealous of people who are able to walk out of hospital the next day after having their babies. I used to get jealous of all th babies that came and went during our 9 week stay - it was like having a new room mate every couple of days!

My twins were born @ 31 weeks arrived very quick and were whisked away to NICU were twin 1 spent 5 weeks there and twin 2 was there for 9 weeks. I was unable to hold twin 2 for days as she was on oxygen then Cpap and both in incubators.

I also missed no having a baby shower, friends didn't know how to react only 2 came to see us in hospital but to be honest I wanted to keep people away and my so called best friend didn't visit us until my twins were 3 months old! I just think she didn't know how to deal with the situation, however when her 2nd child was taken into SCBU @ 3 days old for 2 nights I think she started to get a little idea of what it must have been like for us.

My twins are nearly 2 now and I still feel upset about it, wce visited NICU & SCBU yesturday to say hello to the staff and it brought bak so many memories.

We've decided not to have any more children mainly babies we feel we can't put another baby or ourselves through another potential premature birth x


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## ttc126

I started crying just reading these responses. I had a late preemie and will never forget how it feels to go home with an empty stomach and an empty carseat. I can't imaginethe emotions you ladies go through after very extended stays and extremely early babies. I still feel traumatized over everything. I do think my intense desire to get pregnant again quickly is due to feeling so angry and hurt over everything we went through this time. Guess I'm hoping it will help us heal? 

Anyway, I'm glad to hear the resentment does go away at some point.


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## sunnylove

Honestly, I feel like I got over it (and I had an early preemie). I am still sort of bitter over everything, though there is nothing or no one to be bitter towards. But I think I'm over it. We could have easily lost our son so I had more things to worry about than not getting my perfect birth story. So yes, there is hope that you will get over it. At the end of the day your LO is all that matters and there's no real use thinking about what could have, should have, would have.


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