# Could use some advice - ex



## Louisandemma

Hi lovely ladies,

Some of you may remember me, I've not posted in a month. I have a 4 month old little girl I've now not seen in six weeks. I've only met her four times altogether. 
It started out with my ex being in love with me, while I have a girlfriend. She was resentful.now, I think she's over me, but she's built up so much hate for me. She claims she's not stopping me from seeing my daughter, but won't set days for me to go round. I turned up a few weeks ago because she keeps ignoring me, and she called the police and claimed harassment. :cry:

As you can guess she's not allowed me on the birth certificate. I've been to a solicitor and started court proceedings, but so far she's ignored the letters (besides sending me a laughable message saying suit myself, that it'll take me years). My family haven't met my little girl. 

My ex also messaged my fiancée yesterday.. To say she's always hated her. 

"I'm Emma's mum, Are you his girlfriend? " 

Could really do with some advice :hugs:


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## Mummy1995

I know it's hard hun. But I wouldn't turn up again, just maybe keep texting/emailing things offering money and asking to see her. Write EVERYTHING down and save all messages and print them off. Anything you do, or don't do now can be used for or against you in court. I'm having the opposite problem with my daughter's dad! 

I'm sorry you're going through this :( try to keep plodding along and never ever give up, your daughter is worth it, even if it takes 5 years to see her! (Which it won't) hour ex is burning her own bridges right now and ignoring solicitor letters etc with just bite her in the bum eventually.

You're doing really well and like I've said before we need more men like you in this world. It infuriates me when people use their children as weapons

Feel free to message me whenever or add me on Facebook if you like if you want to chat to someone x


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## Ceejay123

Oh honey that's awful! I'm so sorry that some women can do this :( stay strong. Will she agree to mediation? X


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## daneuse27

Yes, I remember you. Emma is a lucky little girl to have a dad that cares so much and is trying so hard to be in her life. It will one day work out, I promise - but the hardest bit is going to be right in front of you.

Your ex has been through, and is going through an extremely hard time. There are no words for how hard it is to be a single parent, and especially to have the other parent choose to be with someone else over you. In that regard, I can really sympathize to how bad your ex must be feeling. Don't be surprised if she resents your fiancee for a very long time.

That being said, you can't stay with someone just because you have a child together and you've done what was best for you and what is overall best for everyone involved. Eventually she may get over it, and thank you for being honest with yourself and with her. Although that day may be far in sight.

I don't have much advice other than for you to know that you're doing the right thing, and to remember and appreciate what your ex is going through. Continue to be kind and respectful towards her - do not ever say anything nasty or lash out, because as PP said, anything you say/do can be used against you in court. Continue to pay child maintenance, and keep receipts of everything you buy for your daughter (food, outfits, toys etc.) All of this is proof of your commitment and devotion to her.

Also, if you haven't already - remind your fiancee to treat your ex kindly and respectfully no matter what abuse she sends. Since you're marrying this woman, her behaviour could affect how much involvement you have in your daughter's life. All your ex would have to do is point out the woman you married and tell the court why she's not fit to be a stepmother, and that would keep her (and you) away. 

Also, I'm not sure what kind of help your ex has, but maybe aside from visits, you should offer to do some favours for her and Emma. Things like buying food (once she starts solids) cleaning, dishes, organizing - lots of things really, take time and its hard to do them on your own and watch a kid at the same time. Maybe you could offer your ex to come over to her place and help her out with some tasks. From the perspective of a single mom, I would LOVE any offers to help me out at home. :)

Again, you sound like a loving and devoted dad, and I'm sure your ex girlfriend and the courts will soon see that, and realize Emma would be much better off having you around. :flower: Hang in there.


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## Zondon

Absolutely agree with Daneuse27; she's given you some great ideas there! 

I'm sorry you're going through this; I imagine this situation is very difficult for both you and your ex, but however difficult it is you absolutely should have some access to your child. I hope you can come to a good understanding in the end or at least to the least painful arrangement for all involved... :)

Zondon


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## blamesydney

My FOB just had another baby with a girl whom he broke up with, and she is so bitter that she has NEVER allowed him to see his daughter. Not once. She had security escort him from the hospital when she was being induced and never even told him when she was born. I can definitely empathize with you, considering he is a great father to our daughter and there is literally no reason for him not to see his daughter except the fact that he broke up with her. She is selfish and has bribed him by saying that if he doesn't take her back, he will never see his daughter.

He went a got a lawyer first thing. They sent a court order that she has to get a paternity test, since he was never allowed to sign the birth certificate. Once that is established, they will simply build a case and take her to court. We are in America, though, I'm not sure where you are, so things could be different!

Best of luck x :hugs:


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## Louisandemma

Thanks guys. I know everything's going to kick off soon, because me and my fiancée plan on TTC. These are the messages so far, I've told my fiancée to ignore her for the time being until I decide what we should do.

Kate (Emma's mum)
I'm Emma's mum, are you his girlfriend?
Sophie
Hi Kate, yes I'm Lewis's girlfriend. I think we've spoken before.
Kate
Okay.
Sophie
Did you want to talk to me about something?
Kate
Not really. Just needed to put a face to a name.
Sophie
I see, I'm sorry.
Kate
Ha.


I also spoke to Kate's mum yesterday, who for the first time... Hasn't blamed me. She said to me 'just give her time, she's struggling with the idea of giving up control', I just said 'I understand that, I do. And I feel awful, but she's being selfish. Her needs shouldn't come before Emma's, and she's putting her feelings first which is affecting our daughter. It's unfair for her. ' she agreed, but pretty much had a 'what can you do' attitude, and begged me to get my solicitors to back off.


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## Ceejay123

Wow, what a difficult situation. 

I think you should get your fiancée to do one of two things:

1. Ignore Emma's mum if she can't be civil. (Though shes been Nice so far :) ) It's much better to say nothing, than say something bad. 
2. If she tries to talk to her, be friendly. She doesn't wanna be the bad guy.

My oh has an older son, and i was told quite early that his mum hated me/had a massive problem with me. In turn, I harboured resentful feelings towards her and believed everything bad that was said about her. I'm not proud of all of that. However, a year or so ago we spoke( thankfully after i had riley as it changed my perspective a lot)civilly for the first time. Turns out we're more alike than I ever would have thought, and I end up agreeing with her just as much as I do my other half. We get on well, after everything that's happened. 

If she gives in and says anything bad, or hurtful.. It will be held against her, and a bad relationship with your ex isn't what she wants. If you're trying to conceive, your kids are going to be siblings, she'll need to try to have a civil relationship at least. 


As for you.. My only suggestion would be to keep doing what you're doing. I think daneuses suggestions are brilliant. Keep providing, keep asking nicely to go see your daughter, and document everything. Don't turn up again, hard as it may be. And if her mum will talk to you, talk to her.. But don't pester her. Carry on with court until you're seeing your daughter regularly. It'll definitely complicate things between the two of you... But what if she never gives in? You'll have to go through with court in your daughters best interests. X


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## daneuse27

First off, I second Ceejay's suggestions - also brilliant advice.

I have another suggestion too, and I might be overstepping by saying this, so I hope you dont hate me for saying it - but... do you think you might be rushing things with your fiancee a bit by TTC? Of course you're entitled to do things as you wish, its 100% your decision and I'm not judging you. I'm just worried how this may affect things with your ex and in court. In another post, you just wrote that you can't offer your ex much in terms of finances because you're a student. Having another baby will be hugely pricey and it will mean less support to the daughter you already have.

From the ex's point of view, she has seen your girlfriend become your fiance, and soon she'll hear that you two are TTC, and from her perspective (and the way she might make it look in court) is that your daughter doesn't seem like a huge priority because you're trying to make a new family before being able to offer her adequate maintenance.

This is none of our business, and family planning is a very personal decision so its YOUR choice. Im just pointing out how this may look to your ex and the courts, and how it may affect things legally and financially. I hope I didnt overstep too much! Good luck with all this, and I really hope your ex comes around soon.


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## Louisandemma

daneuse27 said:


> First off, I second Ceejay's suggestions - also brilliant advice.
> 
> I have another suggestion too, and I might be overstepping by saying this, so I hope you dont hate me for saying it - but.... do you think you might be rushing things with your fiancee a bit? Of course you're entitled to do things as you wish and obviously you can't let your ex's feelings or behaviour get in the way. But in another post, you just wrote that you can't offer your ex much in terms of finances because you're a student. Having another baby will be hugely pricey and it will mean less support to the daughter you already have.
> From the ex's point of view, she has seen your girlfriend become your fiance, and soon she'll hear that you two are TTC, and from her perspective (and the way she might make it look in court) is that your daughter doesn't seem like a huge priority because you're trying to make a new family before being able to financially support the daughter you had with her.
> 
> This is none of our business, and family planning is a very personal decision so its YOUR choice. Im just pointing out how this may look to your ex and the courts, and how it may affect things legally and financially. I hope I didnt overstep too much. Good luck with all this.


You're not overstepping, I value everybody's opinions. :) 

I've been with my fiancée for over a year now, we plan on Ttc in 4-6 months, making it around 18 months since we got together. Sophie has a good job as a pharmacist at our local chemist, with a good wage. The reason for trying so soon with Sophie is that she's been diagnosed with a fertility problem (I'm sorry, I'm awful with the names), which could make it difficult for her to conceive, getting worse as time goes on. We're trying to avoid medications and ivf. I'd also like my daughters/daughter and son to be close in age to have a good bond, we only plan on having one child, and obviously I have Emma. 

We've kept our engagement private, from all friends and social networks. Only close family know, as we don't want Kate to find out until she's more understanding of our relationship. We don't want to 'rub her nose' in it, so to speak? So Kate doesn't know that we're engaged, and we won't tell her about Ttc until Sophie's pregnant, which could take a long time. 

I start university in the autumn, which means I will be able to provide more for Emma. At the moment I'm at college five days a week. At university ill be studying 3 days a week and I'm already being interviewed for a bar job on campus on my hours/days off in the week, leaving me with my weekends free to see Emma.

I'm hoping that in the next few months Kate calms down, and accepts that we need a friend-type relationship. She can't just.. Not be in the same room as me. That'd be awful for Emma. I just don't know what to suggest or do any more, in regards to her. She doesn't want to see or hear from me, but how can I just... Leave her alone, when my daughter lives with her.


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## daneuse27

Ok, I see, that makes sense now :) 

Just keep talking to your ex. I can feel her pain, because my FOB is single, but if he was with another woman, I would livid. (And I left him, so I can't imagine the pain if it were in reverse.) So your ex's pain is understandable. I can guarantee you as a single mom, she is probably very busy and maybe overwhelmed with all the responsibilities. So thats why I think you should just keep offering to help out with things; offer to take over for a night while she catches up on sleep, offer to cook her dinner, offer to play with Emma. Offer to babysit, so that she can go out with friends/go on a date or just have some 'me' time. Go over there with clothes/toys you've bought for Emma, and just keep trying and trying and don't give up. Hopefully she budges and sees that your presence in Emma's life is for the best, regardless of what happened between you two. Keep telling her that you love Emma and that Emma is the most important thing to you in life (if you mean it, of course.) It makes my heart melt every time my ex says that about our daughter. :)


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## Louisandemma

I feel so angry with her, but I'm having to hide it, if you know what I mean. To try to understand this is hard on her, while she's not trying to realise its hard on me. It feels like everybody understands how it is for the single mum and they often do amazing jobs. But in my group of friends, in her family.. Nobody understands how hard it is for the FOB that's sitting on the sidelines being pushed out :( I feel like half of me isn't here, there's a gaping hole that I can't fill. I can't stop wondering what she's doing, whether she's sleeping okay, if she's had her injections.. All information my ex won't give me. 

Last time I saw her, she met with me with Emma. She wasn't interested in talking about visitation, and when I brought it up shed go quiet and fold her arms uncomfortably. When I mentioned helping Emma get to know me so I could take over and help, she said 'unsupervised?.. No' she never wants me to have her alone.

Ive taken your advice, and sent Kate a message on facebook so that i have a record, the following. And amazingly, for the first time in a long time, she's replied almost instantly. 

Hey Katie,
I hope Emma's alright. Is she sleeping any better? How are you feeling, I hope things are going okay with motherhood?
I've bought Emma a couple of outfits and a tub of SMA gold, is she still on that? I wanted to buy her nappies too, but I'm not sure which size she is as I remember you saying she was growing so fast. If you let me know ill pick some up. 
Am I okay to bring them over at some point? I want to get past this rut we're in for Emma's sake. 

Lew.
She's fine thankyou, no she's not really sleeping a lot though. Motherhood is amazing, never been so happy. I have enough nappies for a while thank you, yes she's still on SMA gold until July.


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## Dezireey

I think you should just keep at it, keep showing you are willing to be a good Dad etc. Push forward with your name being on the Birth Certificate. It is a Father's right and she shouldn't have kept you off it if you were a good dad and/ or willing to be there for everything. I can understand how she feels if you left her or if the relationship broke down and she still loved you. It does make a woman go a bit crazy if the man she loved not only leaves her but leaves her with a child or pregnant. It can build heavy anger and resentment that is difficult to separate from the needs of the child. However, enough time has passed for her to drop all this behaviour and now be a responsible parent. Yes, you are right, she needs to think of the needs of her child and not herself all the time.

No matter what happens Hun, one day you will have a relationship with your little girl. She will want to see you if you want to see her. your ex can't do this forever and she will suffer because there will be a trail of evidence showing that you wanted to be with your little girl and she stopped you. She is being highly stupid in my opinion. The only time I agree with a mother keeping her kid/s away from their Dad is that he is just bad for them or has mental issues ( like mine) or abuse, violence etc etc.

A good Dad who loves his kid/s shouldn't have to face what you are going through. This is where the system fails you and it is unfair.


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## Zondon

Hi there, 

I know it may not seem like much, but your ex actually replied to your message and gave you a little bit of information about your little girl! She obviously doesn't want you to come over yet, but could you post the items you got for Emma to her?? Or give them to her mum to give to your ex? And then maybe send her another message asking about the outfits and maybe even asking for a picture of your little one??

Has she responded to the solicitors' letters yet? 

Zondon


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## Louisandemma

No she hasn't responded. :(. Thanks girls you're giving me hope. 

I replied with 

Katie
Ah okay. Would you like me to give the items to your mum if you don't want me to come over? Or I could post them if you prefer?
I bet she's getting big now, missing her like crazy. I'm sorry she's not sleeping, if you need any help you know where I am, I'd love to help. Is there anything else you need for Emma?

She said

Lewis
Yeah you can give them to my mum if you see her. I'm alright thank you. She doesn't really need much, she has everything at the moment.shes been bad with colic which has been affecting her sleep pattern. 


It's a step forwards I guess. I daren't even bring up the birth certificate issue. :( if it goes through court ill get it put on, but I'm still praying she'll calm down. This is the first time she's spoken to me in weeks so fingers crossed.


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## Calambria

Oh, dear. 

I can't imagine what it would be like to be kept away from my child. I feel for you tremendously. I don't have any advice to add to what you've already gotten from these ladies, but I just wanted to give you a hug. :hugs:


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## daneuse27

I agree with others, it sounds like definite progress. :) She may seem cold and aloof, but she's talking to you and answering questions about your daughter so that's something.

She's mentioning sleep problems and colic; those are hard to deal with! I would ask her about that. Say "oh no, does she wake a lot in the night?" or "does she cry quite often" She wouldn't bring those things up if she didn't want you to know, so show some concern for what she's told you and I'll bet she'll appreciate it.

Just keep at this, be persistent and prove that you're not going to back down. I agree with Dezireey; she should not be keeping your daughter from you and I also think that her life would be so much easier if she let you in to help raise your daughter. I think she just needs to see that first. She needs to see how much better it is for both Emma and herself with you there. So keep up the communication and keep offering help. :) You're getting somewhere.


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## Zondon

Oh that's brilliant; she's talking to you!!! The way you're phrasing things is great too; very non confrontational, civil and it's coming across that you just want to be there and help with your daughter! I hope she sees it and slowly starts talking to you more at least, which may not seem like much but is definitely a small step in the right direction! 

Agree with Daneuse27 once again; colic is so so difficult to deal with and it might be a good starting point to continue the conversation you've started. 

Noooo, don't mention the birth certificate now. Or going round again. Way too soon and your conversation is way too fragile yet. Maybe the possibility of a pic or two or just a little more information (like what happened with the heart issue your little one has? What decision did your ex make in the end?). Maybe this way you can work your way up to a web cam or a phone call or even a visit... 

I really hope she continues talking to you, for now (and more later), and that this leads to very good things for you and your little one! 

Zondon


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## Mummy1995

I 100% agree with zondon. I know it's so hard but take it extremely slowly and do not push anything or shell run a million miles away again and you may not hear from her again until court if that happens x


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## Louisandemma

I asked kates mum about Emma's heart condition. The doctors are hoping its just a harmless murmur, but she's having more tests. For now they've chosen to monitor her as it seems to be causing her no problems so far. She'll have a scan every few months until she's 2 though. 

Kate's been much nicer today, I've just left her alone for a while though so that she doesn't think I'm being pushy. I wrote back asking how her colic was getting on, whether she was okay and said I was sorry she was going through this.
She simply put 'the things you do for your children' and I said 'completely true.' And I left it there, I could see the conversation heading somewhere negative and I didn't want that.

However she has sent Sophie another message... "I just find this all very difficult to comprehend" Sophie's replied with "I'm sorry, what's difficult to comprehend? I know everything's very difficult at the moment. I hope it gets better."

And Kate's read it and ignored it. All so confusing. On the bright side, I'm meeting with Kate's mum tomorrow to take the things, and she's promised she'll send me a recent photo :D


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## Zondon

Wonderful news! Progress all around! 

it's good your fiance is being civil and polite too and oh so important she tries to remain that way even if your ex starts being negative with her, which I hope she won't but one never knows.... 

I hope this is the beginning of a good communication path for you two so you can figure out how to parent your little one together. It's excellent that your ex's mum has updated you on your daughter's heart situation and even better that it seems to be benign...Hopefully by the time she's 2 you'll be going to appointments with them! :) 

Good luck with the outfit drop-off tomorrow! 

Zondon


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## daneuse27

Sophie is doing the right thing by being polite, positive and civil; tell her to keep it up! :)
I hope the clothing drop off goes well tomorrow. I really believe things will improve with time. As other said, take it slow - but be persistent. Hopefully that makes sense. I think it helps for you to show concern and interest in your daughter's colic and heart problems (I hope everythings ok, by the way.) Keep us all posted. :flower:


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## Mummy1995

Yay this is such good news!! I hope it goes well for you! Her mum may be a good way into seeing Emma. Maybe Kate feels awkward around you, so her mum could bring Emma to you for meetings? Let her mum know just how much you'd love to see her and how much she means to you. X


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## xxsteffyxx

I can't really comment on your situation but it's far to easy to sweep fathers under the carpet and say 'oh all men are useless...'

But Kudos to you for actually WANTING to see your daughter for a valid reason. As long as you get the paternity test done and get your name on the certificate, there is no reason why she can deny you access.

But I completly understand what her mum says by 'she's afraid of loosing control'. It's hard for any mother to let go of their children. When my son was 4 weeks old his dad demanded overnight stays and thinking I was doing the right thing, allowed him too.; It nearly killed me, it was so hard! 

But give it time, keep pushing and staying civil. As long as you show you are coperative, understanding, sympathetic and above all a respectful father then you'll be fine.

Good Luck!


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## Louisandemma

Well girls, no major updates really. Still haven't been able to see Emma.

Kate's spoken to me a couple more times, but it's the same kind of feeling on messages.

I dropped the items off with her mum and she didn't say much 

I have had a threat from Kate saying look how far court will get me. She's dating, I feel very angry... Not that she's dating, that's fine... But that she's so angry at me for being in a relationship while dating herself.


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## daneuse27

I wonder if Kate is scared of you going the court route, because she knows that will ultimately lead to you having rights to Emma. As her mom and a previous poster said, leaving your child in care of other people is terrifying.

There was a post on here not too long ago from a girl whose FOB was with a new woman, and she was obligated to let her baby spend every second weekend (2 overnights) with him and his girlfriend, who she didnt even like. I look at my daughter and am soo glad I dont have to do anything like that. Its scary for us mamas!

Im only guessing here, but I wonder if Kate has that on her mind and resents you for trying to taking legal action. (Not that you can be blamed - you have every right to see your daughter and give her the love she deserves from her dad.) Maybe you should have a conversation about it. Tell her that you dont want things to be like this, and that you dont want to take her to court. What you want is for you all to get along, and all contribute to raising Emma together. Assure her that you wont force or rush her into anything, youd be more than happy to start small with only supervised visits, and then maybe work your way up to unsupervised and for longer amounts of time. Maybe you could somehow give her the option of allowing you to see Emma on agreed times, and then you will stop the legal proceedings (you'd have to word this in a way that doesn't make it sound like blackmail.)

I have no idea if this will work, but it may give her a sense of control over the situation as she can let things happen at her pace rather than feel obligated, rushed or forced. Bottom line is she needs to make progress with letting you see Emma so that you dont feel the need to get a lawyer.

Also, a side note which Im sure you know - don't suggest letting Sophie watch Emma for a very long, long, long time. lol. 

Things will get there, it would just be ideal if you could agree to settle it between you rather than having lawyers, judges and a courtroom involved.


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## Louisandemma

daneuse27 said:


> I wonder if Kate is scared of you going the court route, because she knows that will ultimately lead to you having rights to Emma. As her mom and a previous poster said, leaving your child in care of other people is terrifying.
> 
> There was a post on here not too long ago from a girl whose FOB was with a new woman, and she was obligated to let her baby spend every second weekend (2 overnights) with him and his girlfriend, who she didnt even like. I look at my daughter and am soo glad I dont have to do anything like that. Its scary for us mamas!
> 
> Im only guessing here, but I wonder if Kate has that on her mind and resents you for trying to taking legal action. (Not that you can be blamed - you have every right to see your daughter and give her the love she deserves from her dad.) Maybe you should have a conversation about it. Tell her that you dont want things to be like this, and that you dont want to take her to court. What you want is for you all to get along, and all contribute to raising Emma together. Assure her that you wont force or rush her into anything, youd be more than happy to start small with only supervised visits, and then maybe work your way up to unsupervised and for longer amounts of time. Maybe you could somehow give her the option of allowing you to see Emma on agreed times, and then you will stop the legal proceedings (you'd have to word this in a way that doesn't make it sound like blackmail.)
> 
> I have no idea if this will work, but it may give her a sense of control over the situation as she can let things happen at her pace rather than feel obligated, rushed or forced. Bottom line is she needs to make progress with letting you see Emma so that you dont feel the need to get a lawyer.
> 
> Also, a side note which Im sure you know - don't suggest letting Sophie watch Emma for a very long, long, long time. lol.
> 
> Things will get there, it would just be ideal if you could agree to settle it between you rather than having lawyers, judges and a courtroom involved.

Thank you. I asked directly so that she couldn't get around it whether we could set up an arrangement where I go see Emma for 2 hours every Saturday. I made it clear that if contact was built up well, that I wouldn't see the need for legal action. 

I'm a little confused, because she's asked me to go over tonight at 7pm (Emma will be in bed I assume?) I'm very cautious, do you think this is a good chance to talk... Or should I have my wits about me? Not that long ago she was trying to seduce me. I'm very worried but I feel like saying no would be counterproductive. Sophie's also concerned about her intentions but has said it's ultimately my choice. 

It could be a good chance to have a real conversation face to face, do you think I should ask for a third party to be there, or could this scare her off?


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## daneuse27

I would definitely go. Alone. This is what you've been hoping for for so long. At 4 months, my daughter wasn't going to bed until 11pm at night. Even if Emma is asleep, she may very well wake up while you're there.

I think you should go there with the mindset that you and your ex can have a personal, face to face talk (there may be things she wants to discuss without other people around) see the environment your daughter is living in, and perhaps get to see your daughter :) Even if she's sleeping, you could take a peek.

If she tries to seduce you, you should be able to handle it. By telling her no, and reminding that you're in a serious relationship now.

I wouldnt insist on a 3rd party at this time. She might get mad, take offence and itll ruin things. I think she's thrown you a bone and you should at least go see what she's about and take this opportunity to see your baby.


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## Ceejay123

I completely agree with daneuse, definitely go. Even if Emma is asleep, this could be what your ex wants so that the two of you can finally have an uninterrupted discussion. If you don't go, she may see this as you showing you're not too interested, which obviously you are.

Stay clear, be nice, but make it clear if she is over friendly that you're there to talk about Emma. If you two can develop a friendship along the way, brilliant. 

Your fiancée is going to have to accept that it needs to happen, and trust you, which it sounds like she's going to do.


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## Louisandemma

Hi ladies.

I went to see my ex at her home at 7pm as she requested. What a night...

Firstly she poured me a glass of wine, which I was very wary of. I accepted it but didn't drink it for around 45 Minutes until things had settled. She's looking much better, she looks like her old self again, rather than tired and as though she's just given birth. 

She said her mums been getting on at her about me, so she's finding it hard to ignore. She says she feels as though I'm trying to intrude on her relationship with our little girl, and that I don't understand what it's like to be a parent. (That hit me hard, because that's her fault not mine). 

I made it clear that I wanted to be involved, that I didn't want to go through court and wouldn't if shed give me access, but that if there was no regular set up I'd be forced to do it. She started going off at me telling me I was threatening her, I simply tried to reassure her that I wasn't, but that I felt backed into a corner. 

She asked me about me and Sophie, I kept things polite and said we're fine thank you. She asked if I was going to push for Sophie to see her, I said I didn't think there was much need at the current time, that I was interested in setting up a daddy-daughter relationship first and foremost. She seemed happy at that response.

She said she is dating, which I was aware of through mutual friends. It turned out her mum had Emma for the night to give her a break. 

I asked if we could make arrangements for visitation, and she asked what I was thinking of. I said a few hours on a Saturday every week for a couple of months until she's aware of who I am, then to have another discussion about it. She said shed think about it and get back to me. 

She told me a few things about Emma which I was very greatful for. Little things like her routine and noises that she makes. Small things that you take for granted. 

She gave me a lingering hug at the door, which was very awkward on my part. I went home full of confusion around 10:30 pm. Sophie was worried sick as I couldn't text her, Kate went funny if I got my phone out. 

Just waiting for her to contact me now about what we spoke about, wish me luck.


----------



## Mummy1995

Sounds like it went as well as it could do hun. She's going to be uptight and it seems her biggest worry was Sophie. Which is understandable, she doesn't want someone else's playing mummy to her little girl. Which I know you won't do, but she doesn't know that. It's a scary thought that someone will eventually take your child somewhere without you and you won't know what's going on or being said.

Having said that I think your response has given her reassurance. Most important thing you can do is keep any promises you say you will do. So she doesn't think you're all mouth. But it really sounds like you're moving forward and she is probably going to discuss it with her mum. If she doesn't get back to you in a week I'd initiate contact. But it does sound like she wants your involvement. And that fact that she's dating again is great and shows even though she may still love you (believe me she will even if she hates you) she's trying to move forward and eventually she will be able to accept you and Sophie are together and very serious.

I'm so happy it seemed to go well for you xx


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## daneuse27

I agree with mummy1995, I think she said it all. I can relate to Kate's concern about Sophie eventually becoming a mother-figure to her little girl. I would feel worried and scared in her shoes. And if you go through the courts, your ex is worried that'll grant you free reign to do whatever you want with Emma (and that includes letting Sophie play mummy to her.) So you were right to reassure her. 
I think when you talk again, you should tell her that Sophie doesnt need to be involved with Emma until she feels comfortable with it. I guarantee she will be happy to hear this.

Tell her that no, you dont know what it feels like to be a parent, but you want to find out. You want to be the daddy that Emma deserves. (Put it that way, im sure she'll melt :) !)


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## blamesydney

Good luck!

I agree though, while I was pregnant and before I realized fobs girlfriend genuinely hated my daughter, my main concern was his girlfriend trying to play mommy.
Now that he's had her 3 days a week for six months, I have a boyfriend whom is definitely step father material and should he find a girl that loves scarlet too, so be it! It will take quite some time for you two to become comfortable but by scarlets first birthday we were alot more comfortable.


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## Louisandemma

Sorry ladies I will stop pestering you for advice soon! She's just confusing me. I definitely agree that she's scared of Sophie playing mummy.. So get this.

Kate sent me a message on Facebook today saying that she'll agree to one hour contact on a Saturday or Sunday each weekend, with her present under the following conditions.
It has to be with her present
My family have no contact for the meantime
I'm not to tell her mum (what??) 
And she wants to meet Sophie on her own first for a 'chat'.

What do you girls make of this.. Why wouldn't she want me to tell her mum, and why would she want to meet Sophie alone, when Sophie's not even involved.. Soph really is hesitant about meeting her/really doesn't want to right now.


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## Ceejay123

Louisandemma said:


> Sorry ladies I will stop pestering you for advice soon! She's just confusing me. I definitely agree that she's scared of Sophie playing mummy.. So get this.
> 
> Kate sent me a message on Facebook today saying that she'll agree to one hour contact on a Saturday or Sunday each weekend, with her present under the following conditions.
> It has to be with her present
> My family have no contact for the meantime
> I'm not to tell her mum (what??)
> And she wants to meet Sophie on her own first for a 'chat'.
> 
> What do you girls make of this.. Why wouldn't she want me to tell her mum, and why would she want to meet Sophie alone, when Sophie's not even involved.. Soph really is hesitant about meeting her/really doesn't want to right now.

Awh you're not bugging us :) Hm... I don't know what to make of that! I don't understand why she wouldn't want you to tell her Mum.. maybe shes worried about looking vulnerable?

Im not sure why she'd want to meet your girlfriend at this point if shes not being introduced either. Have you asked her why?


----------



## daneuse27

Not bugging us at all!

I'm guessing she wants to get a feel for Sophie and "approve" of her. If my FOB hnew girlfriend that may one day come into contact with my daughter, I'd want to meet her too. Thats my guess :shrug:

My guess about the Mum is that she doesnt approve of you, or for some reason doesn't want you to be involved with Emma; shes protecting her daughter after all. She has watched her daughter get hurt, carry and give birth to and raise a baby all on her own while you were with another woman (just how they probably see it.) Her mom probably doesnt like you, even though she may be polite to your face. If my daughter was in Kate's situation one day, Id be pretty angry at the guy too.... just from a mom's perspective! Doesnt make you a bad person. You just have to see how this whole thing has affected them.

I still think this is massive improvement with Kate though! If this all goes well, she'll probably offer you more and more as time goes on.


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## Louisandemma

I guess I'm going to have to sit down and talk to Sophie. She really doesn't want to meet Kate alone without me, which I completely understand. But I feel like telling Kate no would be shooting myself in the foot! Xx


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## daneuse27

Yeah, meeting the ex is never fun and always awkward..

I think its a reality though that the road ahead is going to be very understandingly difficult for Sophie; you're going to be spending lots of time with your ex without her around, you're going to have a whole other life that she's not allowed to be apart of (at least not anytime soon.) You will in most cases have to respect every wish of your ex, as you don't want to mess things up with seeing your daughter.So yeah. All this wont be easy for Sophie Im afraid.

I think its a good idea if the girls meet on their own. If you were there too, then Kate would feel left out like a third wheel. I hope it goes smoothly, and after meeting Sophie, Kate will maybe trust and like her more.


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## Mummy1995

I think it's really unfair that she's saying your family aren't allowed contact, and not just for them. But because Emma is ultimately missing out on that relationship, but I guess it's better than none of you being allowed to see her and it will come with time.

As for Sophie.. I agree, I would want to meet the potential step-mum of my baby, however it is very soon? It's a long way off Sophie's involvement at the moment. And to be honest unfair on you for her to say you can only see Emma if Sophie meets Kate because you have no control over what Sophie does. Is there any reason Sophie is worried about meeting Kate? 

It could be a good way forward though, and I say she should go for it - you never know they might get on like wildfire and in which case Im sure Kate would feel a lot more comfortable with yours and in the futures Sophie's involvement in Emmas life. 

Im so glad things seem to be coming together at last x


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## Ceejay123

It does seem very soon in my eyes, but it could be pre-emptive to stop them having a bitter relationship? I definitely wish it didn't take me 4 years to meet my ohs ex, as a negative relationship is hard to overcome. It's very hard to build that trust back up.

Is Sophie willing to meet her? How do you think Kate will react if she won't? I can understand her being worried but if she's going to eventually be Emma's step mum I think she needs to give Kate this, even if its just to shows he cares and that she knows your daughter has to be out before she is. That'd be my big concern with a step mum... They have to realise that although they are important, this little life comes first. X


----------



## blamesydney

Don't stop, very interested in your updates!

When FOB and his gf were dating, his gf actually wanted to meet me one-on-one. I carried a knife in my pocket in case she tried to murder me, but we met in a public place and actually got along, just wanted to touch base as far as me not wanting FOB and me not wanting her to play mommy. I WOULD DEFINITELY NOT TELL HER NO IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILD!

Just have them arrange to meet in a public place, and if she does something stupid like try to hit your gf, that's going to look awfully great when you take her to court and get much more rights then she is giving you.

Go along with what she is letting you have now, and as she starts trusting you, you should definitely get more along the road.

:thumbup:


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## kassiaethne

Hi, I don't usually reply to these kinds of posts because I don't have much experience in the single parent department but I did read some of the replies and I just wanted to put my two cents in a bit. Not to intrude to much

But with the advice of offering to help around the house and such of your ex, I'd probably keep that to a minimum until you know you're ex isn't still interested in being with you. Offering to come over and help, and being around so often can send mixed signals that might make things worse not better. After you've established that she's with someone else and she's okay with you being with someone else, I'd say go for it. but with some of your posts about worrying about her seducing you and such, it's just better not to send any kind of mixed signals. 

But I am also all for supporting your child and being a responsible parent not only for emotional support but for financial so I'd certainly keep offering money and helping out with clothes and such. But I'd probably want to get something legally set for that too just so you both know what you'll be paying out each month.

Also I don't believe in the backing off going to court. I mean it is nice when two people can have a meeting of the minds, but I would never want to have someone have that kind of control over if I could see my child or not on their whim. When you have a court ordered set up it's easier to be more relaxed for both parties. Because you'll always be worried about pissing her off and her saying "well then no visitation for you this week!!!" and such. or her changing her mind if you say something that doesn't sit well with her. Court isn't to be mean, it is to have legal standing with your daughter that both people have to abide by. 

I am all for understanding things from the woman's perspective, and how hard it is to part with your child. But I've rarely seen it end well when there isn't an order of custody, usually it ends in having to get it anyways in the long run. So better to go through the headache now, when the baby can't remember you not being there, rather then later when suddenly daddy's not around and she doesn't understand why.


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## daneuse27

kassiaethne said:


> Hi, I don't usually reply to these kinds of posts because I don't have much experience in the single parent department but I did read some of the replies and I just wanted to put my two cents in a bit. Not to intrude to much
> 
> But with the advice of offering to help around the house and such of your ex, I'd probably keep that to a minimum until you know you're ex isn't still interested in being with you. Offering to come over and help, and being around so often can send mixed signals that might make things worse not better. After you've established that she's with someone else and she's okay with you being with someone else, I'd say go for it. but with some of your posts about worrying about her seducing you and such, it's just better not to send any kind of mixed signals.
> 
> But I am also all for supporting your child and being a responsible parent not only for emotional support but for financial so I'd certainly keep offering money and helping out with clothes and such. But I'd probably want to get something legally set for that too just so you both know what you'll be paying out each month.
> 
> Also I don't believe in the backing off going to court. I mean it is nice when two people can have a meeting of the minds, but I would never want to have someone have that kind of control over if I could see my child or not on their whim. When you have a court ordered set up it's easier to be more relaxed for both parties. Because you'll always be worried about pissing her off and her saying "well then no visitation for you this week!!!" and such. or her changing her mind if you say something that doesn't sit well with her. Court isn't to be mean, it is to have legal standing with your daughter that both people have to abide by.
> 
> I am all for understanding things from the woman's perspective, and how hard it is to part with your child. But I've rarely seen it end well when there isn't an order of custody, usually it ends in having to get it anyways in the long run. So better to go through the headache now, when the baby can't remember you not being there, rather then later when suddenly daddy's not around and she doesn't understand why.

I can see what you're saying. The reason I gave the advice I did though was because as a single mom, I can tell you that all the duties involved (not just with the child care itself, but the chores associated with it) are overwhelming to manage all on your own and she resents that he hasn't had to do any of it. You'll see what I mean once you have your baby - they are constant work. Even when they're asleep, there will be stuff that to do. I was mainly thinking she could show him how to do stuff like prepare bottles or other stuff she does for Emma, which he has to learn anyway. That way he would see his daughter and get a feel for it all before just taking the baby away. 

I think the main reason we all suggested he put off the legal action (for now) was because it may kill any civility and amiability thats possible between him and his ex. She would resent him forever for it, and the child would grow up the hostility. If things dont improve after some time, Id say he should consider it again but the ideal scenario would be to have them work out things between themselves and even be friends one day. If thats possible, I think he should give it a shot before taking her to court.

If youre not a single mom, then I dont think you really relate to why the ex has been so emotional and hostile. Being pregnant and alone" and not having an OH like 80% of the other moms out there is very isolating and an incredibly hard. My baby is nearly 9 months old now, and I still cringe when people ask me about her Dad or "my husband" and I feel awkward explaining that Im single and feel like shit afterwards every time. Having solicitors come after her now will be very upsetting for everyone involved and itll take forever for her to recover and forgive him. It sounds like shes coming around now, and I really think its really worth giving a fair chance before he starts getting lawyers and judges involved.


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## Louisandemma

Thank you, I really do appreciate everybody's opinions. 

Sophie has reluctantly agreed to meet with her, the reason she doesn't want to is she's afraid on confrontation. She's a very shy person and she's scared that Kate's going to upset her and make things worse. She's going to go to a public place, and we're going to have a friend Kate doesn't know at the other side of the cafe. (Right or wrong, it's for Sophie's safety in case there's a big confrontation) 

Kate has agreed that I can go see Emma on Saturday this week.. Wish me luck! 

For now I'm still proceeding with court, ill see how it goes for now, I really want pr and my name on the birth certificate so that I have more rights. X


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## Mummy1995

It's great she's going to see her! And nice idea for someone to be around just in case. And so good that you're seeing Emma Saturday! I wouldn't stop court proceedings but maybe put them on hold. If things keel going the way they are then you could have you name put on Emma's birth certificate without the need for court :) obviously it's entirely up to you but just something to think about. 

Things are definitely looking up, I'm so glad! Good luck and have fun seeing your daughter! :) x


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## Ceejay123

Brilliant news! Keep us updated after Saturday! X


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## xxsteffyxx

Louisandemma said:


> I really want pr and my name on the birth certificate so that I have more rights. X

I tell this to so many people... It really bugs me.

PR is *NOT* Parental Rights
PR is Parental *RESPONSIBLITY*

If you believe that by putting your name on the birth certificate you are gaining more 'rights' over your child, then that isn't the right attitude to have.

Nothing against you, but it really bugs me.


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## Louisandemma

xxsteffyxx said:


> Louisandemma said:
> 
> 
> I really want pr and my name on the birth certificate so that I have more rights. X
> 
> I tell this to so many people... It really bugs me.
> 
> PR is *NOT* Parental Rights
> PR is Parental *RESPONSIBLITY*
> 
> If you believe that by putting your name on the birth certificate you are gaining more 'rights' over your child, then that isn't the right attitude to have.
> 
> Nothing against you, but it really bugs me.Click to expand...

I may be wrong, but I've taken huge offence to this.

Yes I know PR means parental responsibility. I didn't state otherwise.

By more rights I mean I want to be assured that my ex can't move Emma out of the country, can't make hospital and school decisions without my input. It's extremely important that this responsibility, and these rights be mine and her mothers rather than one sided. I don't see anything wrong with that attitude at all.


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## xxsteffyxx

entireley up to you if you want to take offence at that post. I apologise, that was not my intention.

What I was merely trying to point out is that just by putting your name on the BC you will gain a responsiblity to keep TRACK of your daughter, meaning that your ex can update you on your daughter, but you also need to contact her regarding her.

Also, what you are thinking of is a court order regarding taking her out of the country. Any mother can do it, as all she needs to do is show her BC (whether your name on it or not) and that gives her permission to take her abroad is she wants to (i'm not saying she is going to run away to america with her, i am just saying for holidays sake shall we say) If you have a concern about her taking her out of the country you need to apply for a court order.


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## daneuse27

I think she was just making sure, only because there are so many dads out there (my FOB is one of them) who think about their "rights" all the time, but not enough about the responsibility aspect. Thats not you though, which is good. :thumbup: Its true that the court may request you to do more though... it might be lengthy since you two were never officially married or together at the time of the birth registration. But I hope youll get on there eventually, whether its the court that puts you on, or Kate herself :) 

Just curious - why do you think she'd flee the country with Emma? Do you truly think things are getting better, or do you still feel she might do something crazy?


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## Louisandemma

daneuse27 said:


> I think she was just making sure, only because there are so many dads out there (my FOB is one of them) who think about their "rights" all the time, but not enough about the responsibility aspect. Thats not you though, which is good. :thumbup: Its true that the court may request you to do more though... it might be lengthy since you two were never officially married or together at the time of the birth registration. But I hope youll get on there eventually, whether its the court that puts you on, or Kate herself :)
> 
> Just curious - why do you think she'd flee the country with Emma? Do you truly think things are getting better, or do you still feel she might do something crazy?

I hope things are getting better, but until I have that security I don't feel I can trust her not to tip the scales 180 degrees again. I'd just feel better with some sense of security in the matter. Whether that be parental responsibility, a court order or to build up trust with her.

It's not that I think she 'would' I just know she 'could' as her sister lives in Spain and invited her to move there when she was pregnant. She's never given me any indication to think shed move, but it's just that I know she possibly could. I don't have worries about her taking her on holidays etc, that's her right as her mum and I wouldn't stop her doing that even if I could. But I'd like parental responsibility so that I can be included in Emma's major life decisions. 

Hopefully things are getting better, it'd be nice to have PR in writing though for that assurance, so that I didn't have to worry all the time. I've now not seen Emma in two months, I'm itching for Saturday to come.


----------



## kassiaethne

daneuse27 said:


> I can see what you're saying. The reason I gave the advice I did though was because as a single mom, I can tell you that all the duties involved (not just with the child care itself, but the chores associated with it) are overwhelming to manage all on your own and she resents that he hasn't had to do any of it. You'll see what I mean once you have your baby - they are constant work. Even when they're asleep, there will be stuff that to do. I was mainly thinking she could show him how to do stuff like prepare bottles or other stuff she does for Emma, which he has to learn anyway. That way he would see his daughter and get a feel for it all before just taking the baby away.
> 
> I think the main reason we all suggested he put off the legal action (for now) was because it may kill any civility and amiability thats possible between him and his ex. She would resent him forever for it, and the child would grow up the hostility. If things dont improve after some time, Id say he should consider it again but the ideal scenario would be to have them work out things between themselves and even be friends one day. If thats possible, I think he should give it a shot before taking her to court.
> 
> If youre not a single mom, then I dont think you really relate to why the ex has been so emotional and hostile. Being pregnant and alone" and not having an OH like 80% of the other moms out there is very isolating and an incredibly hard. My baby is nearly 9 months old now, and I still cringe when people ask me about her Dad or "my husband" and I feel awkward explaining that Im single and feel like shit afterwards every time. Having solicitors come after her now will be very upsetting for everyone involved and itll take forever for her to recover and forgive him. It sounds like shes coming around now, and I really think its really worth giving a fair chance before he starts getting lawyers and judges involved.

Oh, I am sure that it is hard to do things on your own and to have to take care of a child that should have had two parents to help ease the burden of the care taking. But from his description of her she doesn't seem to have moved on. And this happened to a friend of mine, he offered to come over and help with the housework, or give her a mothers day gift from the child. and she took it as they were semi back together and for 6 years. And he still had a girlfriend and had a baby with the new girlfriend. But she never gave up hope that they would be together because she mistook his helping out in her home for the child's sake, as being there for HER and wanting to be with her. Not the daughter. So after 6 years she finally realized he wasn't leaving the girlfriend for her and it all exploded. She took away all his abilities to see his daughter and was full of hate for him for "betraying" her again. 

That is what I meant by wait till you know she knows it's not going to happen between the two of them because in the end, that can blow up in his face. 




xxsteffyxx said:


> entireley up to you if you want to take offence at that post. I apologise, that was not my intention.
> 
> What I was merely trying to point out is that just by putting your name on the BC you will gain a responsiblity to keep TRACK of your daughter, meaning that your ex can update you on your daughter, but you also need to contact her regarding her.
> 
> Also, what you are thinking of is a court order regarding taking her out of the country. Any mother can do it, as all she needs to do is show her BC (whether your name on it or not) and that gives her permission to take her abroad is she wants to (i'm not saying she is going to run away to america with her, i am just saying for holidays sake shall we say) If you have a concern about her taking her out of the country you need to apply for a court order.

and having his name on the birth certificate not only shows the world that he acknowledges her birth and accepts her, but it also lets HER know he cares enough about her to do so. And having formal acknowledgement of the child being part his does give him parental rights over the child that he otherwise would not have.

actually in regards to taking her out of the country, she cannot even get your daughter a passport without the signature and consent of both parties. I am currently looking into getting the citizenship and passports for my son once he is born, and it states that both parents have to be in agreement or there is no passport issued. So she cannot just take her out of the country anytime. And if you take a child out of the country without the other parents knowledge you can file for kidnapping and the mother would instantly either have to return with your daughter or be charged as a kidnapper. 

And those things can only be done if you are formally acknowledge as the child's father, as long as the father legally is "unknown" she is right, she can just take your daughter out of the country and you get no say in it. Which is also why I said you shouldn't stop going to court. 

A fathers rights to a child are extremely limited as it is, so much power is in the mothers hands. So if you are willing and able to be a responsible father...then I say go for it and fight for your rights with your daughter. Just because it might create animosity NOW between you and the girls mother, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Yes, it can make her feel backed into a corner atm, but in the long run it isn't about the mother, it's about your daughter and you and being able to have structure and be in her life in a fatherly manor, not at the whim of the mother and on her benevolence.


----------



## Louisandemma

kassiaethne said:


> daneuse27 said:
> 
> 
> I can see what you're saying. The reason I gave the advice I did though was because as a single mom, I can tell you that all the duties involved (not just with the child care itself, but the chores associated with it) are overwhelming to manage all on your own and she resents that he hasn't had to do any of it. You'll see what I mean once you have your baby - they are constant work. Even when they're asleep, there will be stuff that to do. I was mainly thinking she could show him how to do stuff like prepare bottles or other stuff she does for Emma, which he has to learn anyway. That way he would see his daughter and get a feel for it all before just taking the baby away.
> 
> I think the main reason we all suggested he put off the legal action (for now) was because it may kill any civility and amiability thats possible between him and his ex. She would resent him forever for it, and the child would grow up the hostility. If things dont improve after some time, Id say he should consider it again but the ideal scenario would be to have them work out things between themselves and even be friends one day. If thats possible, I think he should give it a shot before taking her to court.
> 
> If youre not a single mom, then I dont think you really relate to why the ex has been so emotional and hostile. Being pregnant and alone" and not having an OH like 80% of the other moms out there is very isolating and an incredibly hard. My baby is nearly 9 months old now, and I still cringe when people ask me about her Dad or "my husband" and I feel awkward explaining that Im single and feel like shit afterwards every time. Having solicitors come after her now will be very upsetting for everyone involved and itll take forever for her to recover and forgive him. It sounds like shes coming around now, and I really think its really worth giving a fair chance before he starts getting lawyers and judges involved.
> 
> Oh, I am sure that it is hard to do things on your own and to have to take care of a child that should have had two parents to help ease the burden of the care taking. But from his description of her she doesn't seem to have moved on. And this happened to a friend of mine, he offered to come over and help with the housework, or give her a mothers day gift from the child. and she took it as they were semi back together and for 6 years. And he still had a girlfriend and had a baby with the new girlfriend. But she never gave up hope that they would be together because she mistook his helping out in her home for the child's sake, as being there for HER and wanting to be with her. Not the daughter. So after 6 years she finally realized he wasn't leaving the girlfriend for her and it all exploded. She took away all his abilities to see his daughter and was full of hate for him for "betraying" her again.
> 
> That is what I meant by wait till you know she knows it's not going to happen between the two of them because in the end, that can blow up in his face.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> xxsteffyxx said:
> 
> 
> entireley up to you if you want to take offence at that post. I apologise, that was not my intention.
> 
> What I was merely trying to point out is that just by putting your name on the BC you will gain a responsiblity to keep TRACK of your daughter, meaning that your ex can update you on your daughter, but you also need to contact her regarding her.
> 
> Also, what you are thinking of is a court order regarding taking her out of the country. Any mother can do it, as all she needs to do is show her BC (whether your name on it or not) and that gives her permission to take her abroad is she wants to (i'm not saying she is going to run away to america with her, i am just saying for holidays sake shall we say) If you have a concern about her taking her out of the country you need to apply for a court order.Click to expand...
> 
> and having his name on the birth certificate not only shows the world that he acknowledges her birth and accepts her, but it also lets HER know he cares enough about her to do so. And having formal acknowledgement of the child being part his does give him parental rights over the child that he otherwise would not have.
> 
> actually in regards to taking her out of the country, she cannot even get your daughter a passport without the signature and consent of both parties. I am currently looking into getting the citizenship and passports for my son once he is born, and it states that both parents have to be in agreement or there is no passport issued. So she cannot just take her out of the country anytime. And if you take a child out of the country without the other parents knowledge you can file for kidnapping and the mother would instantly either have to return with your daughter or be charged as a kidnapper.
> 
> And those things can only be done if you are formally acknowledge as the child's father, as long as the father legally is "unknown" she is right, she can just take your daughter out of the country and you get no say in it. Which is also why I said you shouldn't stop going to court.
> 
> A fathers rights to a child are extremely limited as it is, so much power is in the mothers hands. So if you are willing and able to be a responsible father...then I say go for it and fight for your rights with your daughter. Just because it might create animosity NOW between you and the girls mother, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Yes, it can make her feel backed into a corner atm, but in the long run it isn't about the mother, it's about your daughter and you and being able to have structure and be in her life in a fatherly manor, not at the whim of the mother and on her benevolence.Click to expand...

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. It breaks my heart that I know if I had stayed with her mum, I'd be seeing Emma every single day and doing the full time parent things... I've sacrificed so much by leaving her, I feel so guilty and as if I've let Emma down.


----------



## kassiaethne

Louisandemma said:


> Thank you, I appreciate the advice. It breaks my heart that I know if I had stayed with her mum, I'd be seeing Emma every single day and doing the full time parent things... I've sacrificed so much by leaving her, I feel so guilty and as if I've let Emma down.

for me, with my parents, they always stayed together for my sake, and my sisters sake. But honestly I wish they had divorced. Having animosity between parents, even though they try to hide it...the child always knows. And feels it. It is never best to stay with someone just because of your child. It is hard now, and heart breaking that she won't let you see her when so many women would KILL to have the father come see their child and acknowledge them.

But in the end I'm sure it will be better for her to have two loving parents in loving environments, rather then a hostile upbringing. (and hostile doesn't always have to mean physical abuse or abuse, just feeling that in the air of the two parents just not wanting to be near each other is hard on a child) 

Already I know this little girl will have a wonderful life, because she has two parents who want her SO badly they will fight for her tooth and nail. Some children don't even have one to care about them, and she's got two. 

The hard part is now, sorting everything out, and getting everything under control and into a rhythm. But once everything is settled and everyone has moved on in life, you'll realize this was the best thing you could have done for her. 

And always fight for her, never just give in. Because children know, and as they grow up they will feel less loved and that you moved on to a "new family" that they don't fit in. You'll have to work extra hard to make sure she knows she is just as important as your future children with your new fiance are. That is always the hardest part, especially once they hit teen phase where everything is about them and against them.


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## daneuse27

You had to do what was best for you. A child is happiest with two happy parents. This is why I left my FOB when I was pregnant (and I still feel guilty for not working things out with him too.)

We've been looking into court stuff as well, and it looks like there are no automatic rights for unmarried fathers. Luckily for him, I put his name on the BC. Since your ex didn't, I think it'll involve a series of steps, and she's right - it may take years, especially if she doesnt cooperate.

Thats why I thought it was best to be gradual and try to seek her cooperation in this. If she listens to you and agrees, court will be a breeze and you'll have the PR in no time! If she resists it fights it, you will still get the PR but it will take much longer...


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## Louisandemma

Thank you x


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