# How long do you let your newborn cry it out?



## feedindy

I have a little one just over 2 weeks and she will go through periods where she just cries. I usually try to console her by walking around holding her and it still doesn't help. I have tried everything but she just wants to fuss. Is it ok to let her cry it out a bit? How long would you let it go?

For the first time just now I just put her in her vibrating chair and let her cry it out and she cried for 5 min throwing a fit and then stopped for about 2 min, and then cried for another 5 min, and then has now been relaxed and looking around for the past 5 minutes. At night is is the worst. She cried for 4 hours last night, and that has been the norm for a week now. I pick her up and she stops but I'll put her down when she appears to be sleeping and then she cries again. My back hurts so much from all of the carrying that I can't go on carrying her for 4 hours straight each night.

So how long would you let a newborn cry it out? Can anything bad happen if they cry too long? I have no idea...


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## KatelynsMummy

Never let a newborn cry it out, shes probably scared and insecure! What she needs is her mummy to feel close to, try swaddling, or a sling<3


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## charli87

personally imo i wouldnt of been able to let chloe cry it out at that age, only at around 6months when she fussed at nap times we'd leave her for a couple of mins but that was never crying just when she has her 'wind down whinge'

have you tried swaddling her when she naps, it helps remind them of the saftey they had in the womb so helping they to sleep better, it work wonders for chloe up until around 3ms when she started to break out of it:dohh:

you said she cried for '4hrs'? was that when you were holding her or had you left her? i know it sounds silly but shes not hungry is she? just chloe ate alot more than the 'regular' baby but because i went by the tin the first couple of weeks when she switched to formula i didnt realise she was crying because she was hungry as i didnt know she was allowed to drink more:dohh:


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## special_kala

Sorry but id never ever leave a newborn to cry it out!

Sometimes they just need to be held and cuddles. Only 2 weeks ago she was tucked up in you belly warm and safe being rocked to sleep so its only natural for her to want to be close to her mummy.

Please dont let he CIO


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## Mum2b_Claire

Never. New babies do often need holding and carrying 24 hours a day, I'm afraid.


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## Lover

She's probably hungry/got wind or just wants cuddles from her mummy/daddy. I know it's stressful but please don't let her cry it out :hugs:


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## bigbetty

That sounds like a lot of crying love. Rather than let her cry it out have you worked out why she is crying? Is she having trouble with wind or constipation?


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## Mum2b_Claire

Also - if she's fallen asleep, then wait a while before putting her down, like maybe 20 mins or so, so she's in a really deep sleep and less likely to wake when put down.


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## Pixoletta

I wouldn't let a newborn cry it out either. She needs lots of love and attention and is probably a little scared as she's in a whole new environment now. Maybe give her some Infacol? Might have a little bit of trapped wind.


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## Lina

I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.


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## tina3747

It's quite normal for babies a few weeks old to go through crying stages, usually around evening time. Doctors usually call it colic but I've no idea. I can set my watch by my LO having his 'kick off time' we call it. 8pm every night from about 2 weeks he's done it, he's now 8 wks and it's still going on . Tbh I don't let him cry really, new borns usually only cry for a reason wether it's food, nappy , tiredness or just needing comfort. The only thing that's worked for us is sitting him in his car seat and swinging him... Not even a mamas and papas swing will do it's got to be done standing up manually the little monkey! Other things to try to sooth them is face down over your lap and patting the back or stroking it, over your shoulder, swaddling or just being rocked. My boy would just cry and cry until being picked up anyway so I wouldn't even bother doing it! Hope you sort it, it's so fustrating when you've tried everything!


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## KittyVentura

Honestly?

I would never let a newborn cry it out. Never EVER. They are too young to have any kind of understanding about why they are left to cry. At that age they do not even have a perception of objecr permenance and so, when they are not being held they think they have been abandoned and cry as a distress call. It's natures instinct kicking in. Baby knows it cannot survive without a parent and so cries a lot when left as it thinks the parent is permenantely gone and it needs to alert for help etc.

Generally at 4-6 months CIO can be used and can work. But not at this age I don't think there is anything to gain except for a stressed upset mummy and a distressed baby.

Crying for long periods can raise the babies body temperature a LOT which can be dangerous. Sleeping when too warm can be a SID risk.

You might get an overwhelming response echo'ing this as this forum is very anti-CIO. Please don't be offended buy it. It's just a topic people get passionate about.

I would suggest lots of cuddles and just ride it out. I know that the older generations use those awful phrases like "rod for your own back", "baby will get spoilled" etc etc. It's not possible at this age. 

A way to think about it, which helped me a lot, was that this baby is BRAND NEW. The baby has had 9 months of being in a comfy confined warm space and suddenly they are out in this big world and every sight, sound, smell etc is brand new to them and damn scary. If you were brand you like that you'd probably want the only familiar thing (you) close at all times too.

I hope that helps. None of it is intended as a criticism. Just tried to honestly answer as best I can xx


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## special_kala

Lina said:


> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.

What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:

A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!

Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?


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## MommyMika

CIO doesn't work with newborns, they're much too little. I know when my son was that age there were a couple of times he was crying after he was fed/changed/etc. and I couldn't figure out why... then I tried feeding him again and that was it!! Newborns can get hungry really fast... even if it feels like you just fed them. 

When I started going to the gym for an hour at 5 weeks I'd feed him and pump a bottle before I left, and he'd always drink it while I was gone even though he *should* have been fine for an hour!


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## special_kala

I woudlnt say BnB is anti CIO in general but CIO at 2 weeks....well everyone should be anti that!


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## nikkip75

I'd really try swaddling Hun. All three of mine were swaddled and would settle straight away as soon as the little blanket was wrapped around them. Also she might have wind. And I don't know much about reflux but I think I read somewhere that babies with reflux don't like being laid flat. :shrug:

Its probably something quite obvious but it's really hard finding out with a newborn isn't it. Just give her lots of cuddles and try an sling. She might just be scared and want to feel close to you :hugs:


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## charli87

Lina said:


> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.

sorry i find this really misinformative for the OP, it can do harm when they are so little to let them CIO. different when they get to 5-6ms but not 2wks


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## louandivy

I would seriously consider getting a sling hun, then you can carry on doing what you need to do while your LO is all snuggled up and happy. Hope it gets better for you soon but I would really recommend not letting her cry it out, its not pleasant for either of you :hugs:


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## Lina

special_kala said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...


You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.


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## xnmd1

i would never, ever let a new born cry it out. although it's not for me at all, regardless of a baby's age, if you are going to try that approach, wait untill your baby is atleast 6 months old.


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## nikkip75

special_kala said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...

I can't Highlight cos I'm on my phone but the bit about being a separate person, a baby doesn't realise they are a separate person until they are around a year old!


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## Mum2b_Claire

special_kala said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...

Exactly, it's not a finite thing that they have 'been comforted', they often need continuous comfort, by being in contact with you. Babies didn't ask to be born, they never asked to leave the safe environment of the womb where their needs were automatically met, the period after birth is considered by many as the 'fourth trimester' where really, they need to have very snug almost womb like conditions, (holding, cuddling, rocking, carrying in a sling, feeding on demand, close contact with you) to ease them into the outside world gently.


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## special_kala

Lina said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...

Alot of people manage to get things done without leaving their baby to cry.


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## cinnamum

15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx


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## xnmd1

Lina said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...

you get your things done when the baby is napping or asleep for the night. or you get someone else to watch them while you do it. or you do it, and stop when they cry, comfort them, get back to what you were doing, stop when they cry again, etc. it's a freaking new born!


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## Lina

special_kala said:


> Lina said:
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> 
> 
> 
> 
> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...
> 
> Alot of people manage to get things done without leaving their baby to cry.Click to expand...

Some babies cry more than others.


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## special_kala

We held River as much as she needed it, rocked her to sleep kept her close and i can assure you she is not clingy and is not a light sleeper


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## special_kala

Lina said:


> special_kala said:
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> Lina said:
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> special_kala said:
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> 
> 
> 
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> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...
> 
> Alot of people manage to get things done without leaving their baby to cry.Click to expand...
> 
> Some babies cry more than others.Click to expand...

Then they are crying for a reason


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## charli87

cinnamum said:


> *15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise*, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx

sorry but thats not the case, ive never let chloe CIO, a little whinge around 5/6ms but never to cry for 15mins, its made no 'rod for my own back' shes not clingy a light sleeper or needy in the slightest


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## Mum2b_Claire

cinnamum said:


> 15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx

Honestly, the reverse is true - the more secure they are made to feel in the early (and not so early) days, the more independent and less clingy they will be when older, I have never once 'taught' Ruby to self settle or be any more independent than she wanted to be, and she is a really confident little girl and not a light sleeper at all.


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## Mum2b_Claire

I'm not being funny, but the idea of someone in their right mind deliberately leaving a 3-4 month old to cry for *15 minutes* makes me want to cry.


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## jackiea85

I wouldn't leave a newborn to cry at all, sorry. Toby is 12 weeks and literally lived on me for the first 6 weeks, either in a baby carrier or in my arms, he wouldn't settle any other way. We attached his cot to our bed so I could hold him at night without the risk of him being rolled on by us or our toddler. Now he is a bit bigger he doesn't need to be on me all the time, I can put him on his play mat for 10 mins and he is happy, and his cot side is on as he no longer needs holding at night. This bit only lasts a few weeks, I would definitely invest in a baby carrier or something x


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## special_kala

"It is the nature of the child to be dependent, and it is the nature of dependence to be outgrown. Begrudging dependency because it is not independence is like begrudging winter because it is not yet spring. Dependency blossoms into independence in its own time."

:thumbup:


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## KatelynsMummy

My LO is nearly 8 month and I cant leave her to cry, I honestly cant see how people do it!
IMO, if you dont comfort your child when he/she is crying, your not living up to your role as a parent. :shrug:


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## xnmd1

Mum2b_Claire said:


> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> 15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx
> 
> Honestly, the reverse is true - the more secure they are made to feel in the early (and not so early) days, the more independent and less clingy they will be when older, I have never once 'taught' Ruby to self settle or be any more independent than she wanted to be, and she is a really confident little girl and not a light sleeper at all.Click to expand...

yes, yes this. jarrett's whole life if he's cried, i'd go to him immediately and comfort him/ feed him/ change him/ whatever he needs. 

and now he is very independant for a 7 month old. he will happily play on the floor for an hour or more while i clean, do bottles, laundry, make lunch for us both. because he knows, if he does need something, i will be right there.


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## special_kala

Can you imagine if you were really upset, like sobbing screaming upset and the person you trusted most in the world turned round to you and said "id comfort you but i dont want you to get too clingy or dependant on me" and left you alone.

If someone came on here and said their OH had done that what would we all be saying to her?


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## CeriB

Babies do not understand the concept of manipulation and will not be crying just because. They need to feel secure and loved to build confidence and dependance and by leaving them CIO will make them feel alone, unloved and scared. This does not build independance.

I would seriously invest in a sling or wrap. I've got a mobi wrap and Erin loves feeling wrapped up and secure against me. She used to fall asleep really happily in it and even now loves to snuggle in it. You can get some really good ones on ebay and they are not expensive. Erin was a nightmare at 2w - she would cry and feed from 3pm right up until 10pm, where she would fall asleep for an hour or so then wake and start again. It's just how they are at that age. They do grow out of it when they get older. Stick with it hun and just get a mountain of cuddles in the meantime. Sod the housework and the shopping - chill in your pjs and just be! :hugs:


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## meg79

Just putting my two pence worth in here...

I NEVER leave my LO to cry EVER. He is a baby and has needs not wants. He has no idea of manipulation. If all he NEEDS is a cuddle he gets one, for as long as he NEEDS it. If it means my washing doesn't get done that day, at least it was because I was tending to my babies needs. This "rod for your back" and "you'll spoil them" is 1950s bullshit!!

If you saw an animal or bird in the wild or in the zoo and a baby was giving out a distress cry but the mother was off somewhere doing something else, your first thought would be that it had been abandoned and needs rescuing. Go rescue your baby when it gives a distress cry. Babies cries are load, obnoxious and upsetting to listen to for a reason, for you to respond to!!

Edit: Sorry, just seen how angry and unhelpful this post is. Please, if you have things to do but your LO needs a few more cuddles that day, seriously invest in a sling, that way LO will have is mummy time, plus you can do what you need to. Xx


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## feedindy

Wow I didn't know it was such a hot topic here. Didn't mean to start a debate between you ladies.

Well I have tried everything. I do have 2 types of slings, and always try to feed/ change diaper/ let out her trapped gas. I literally have tried everything you all mentioned. It is definitely a comfort issue. She just wants to be held, I understand that. Holding her for that long of a time has been physically painful on my wrists and lower back- kind of a pre-existing condition for me, but I have done it as long as she wants.

Just so I am clear, I had never let her cry it out before, and was scared to. But when I did let her cry off and on for 10 min for the first time just now, she calmed down and was just looking around after the 10 minutes, and then she fell asleep. I wouldn't have let her go on longer than that.


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## special_kala

meg79 said:


> Just putting my two pence worth in here...
> 
> I NEVER leave my LO to cry EVER. He is a baby and has needs not wants. He has no idea of manipulation. If all he NEEDS is a cuddle he gets one, for as long as he NEEDS it. If it means my washing doesn't get done that day, at least it was because I was tending to my babies needs. This "rod for your back" and "you'll spoil them" is 1950s bullshit!!
> 
> *If you saw an animal or bird in the wild or in the zoo and a baby was giving out a distress cry but the mother was off somewhere doing something else, your first thought would be that it had been abandoned and needs rescuing. Go rescue your baby when it gives a distress cry. Babies cries are load, obnoxious and upsetting to listen to for a reason, for you to respond to!!*

That is a excellent point!


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## cissyhope

:hugs: as its hard at the beginning. I would not let your baby cry as they are probably a bit overwhelmed still,however i understand how you feel,have you thought about getting a sling? :hugs: this is mine and its been great www.kari-me.com i have not read any other posts,so sorry if repeating advice good luck x


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## louandivy

How old is your LO? Ivy went through a stage at about 6 weeks where she literally cried nonstop for a week, it seems from reading on here that this is quite common. But it passed, she started smiling and NOTHING has been that difficult since so I assure you it will get much better, you just need to get through this tough bit with plenty of cuddles!


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## blinkybaby

I'm reading this book at the moment called "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt, and it is basically about how stress in infancy can interfere with the channels and links formed in the brain as it develops to do with emotional intelligence etc. The idea is that too much stress in infancy can lead to people having personality disorders and such as they get older, e.g insecurities, aggressiveness, detachment and so on. Leaving a baby to CIO at this age (IMO) will interfere with the development of the specific parts of the brain that regulate your babies emotional response to things like stress in the future as they get older. It's a big NO NO.

It can work for some people when their babies are older and not STTN, but they usually stop crying because they work out that no-one is coming to comfort them, not because they are truly settled and content.

I wouldn't ever consider CIO, I let Louie grumble a bit when he's going down for a nap, but if it turns into a full blown cry or lasts longer than 5-10 minutes I'm straight back in there.

I would say your baby is probably hungry if she's cried for 4 hours non-stop (especially if you are BFing, it can feel like they are on and off the breast all day in those first few weeks). Even if nothing works, it's still best to cuddle it out until they are settled.

You must try to look after your back though, I didn't and now I have no end of problems! You could try a well positioned sling or just get comfy with baby on the sofa and shh her and stroke her forehead until she is settled.

xxxxx


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## charli87

OP glad to hear you havent really let your lo CIO properly, the fact you were scared to says it all, but its good you asked for advice rather than just going ahead and doing it, it will get easier just keep on with the cuddles, maybe try sitting down with lo laying on you to help your wrists and back, we've all been there:hugs:


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## cinnamum

i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.

all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.

my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?

as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx


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## nikkip75

feedindy said:


> Wow I didn't know it was such a hot topic here. Didn't mean to start a debate between you ladies.
> 
> Well I have tried everything. I do have 2 types of slings, and always try to feed/ change diaper/ let out her trapped gas. I literally have tried everything you all mentioned. It is definitely a comfort issue. She just wants to be held, I understand that. Holding her for that long of a time has been physically painful on my wrists and lower back- kind of a pre-existing condition for me, but I have done it as long as she wants.
> 
> Just so I am clear, I had never let her cry it out before, and was scared to. But when I did let her cry off and on for 10 min for the first time just now, she calmed down and was just looking around after the 10 minutes, and then she fell asleep. I wouldn't have let her go on longer than that.

Don't worry you've done nothing wrong! You've come here asking for help which is the right thing to do. If you just carried on without finding out if CIO with a newborn was safe then there would be a problem :hugs:

Newborns are hardwork! We expect this little bundle of joy and instead find out they are also very stressful! :hugs:


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## louandivy

cinnamum said:


> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx

If theyhave both slept through from that young then why did you need to use sleep training at 4 months?


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## special_kala

cinnamum said:


> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx

what difference does it make that its night time? A distressed baby is a distressed baby no matter what the time is :dohh:

Why does a 3/4 month old NEED to sleep through...surely thats for your benefit not theirs


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## charli87

tbh id rather not be 'cruel to be kind' to a *baby* that has no concept of life without the security of its mother, id rather just be kind to be kind:shrug:


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## meg79

special_kala said:


> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx
> 
> what difference does it make that its night time? A distressed baby is a distressed baby no matter what the time is :dohh:
> 
> Why does a 3/4 month old NEED to sleep through...surely thats for your benefit not theirsClick to expand...

It is totally for the parents benefit, and no, allowing a newborn to sleep through is doing something completely wrong not right. From Kellymom.com:

*Recent research suggests that longer stretches of deep sleep are associated with sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and babies who sleep longer/deeper may be more vulnerable to SIDS (see in particular the research of James McKenna, PhD). Some scientists are saying that it appears that long sleep stretches are not "natural" for human infants and that sleep interruptions in the early months may provide a protective factor against SIDS. More research is needed on this subject, but parents might want to think twice about significantly manipulating baby's natural sleep pattern in the early months.


----------



## silver_penny

cinnamum said:


> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! *i must be doing something right then eh?*
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx

Hmmm... not to be rude, but does that mean that us mothers who's children don't sttn are doing something wrong? My boys are 2 yo and 9 months old. Neither of them sttn, and I'm perfectly fine with that!

To the OP, the first 6 weeks are always the hardest. I know it seems like they will never grow out of the clinginess, but I promise you they will! Perhaps you could have your OH hold your baby while you get some things done, or even take a nice hot bath to ease the pain in your back and wrist. You could also try a different type of sling. The sling is supposed to distribute the weight so it doesn't kill your back or arms. :hugs: HTH :flower:


----------



## cinnamum

at 4 months we sleep train, which is where we introduce a routine, dinner, teeth, bath, story, breastfeed, bed.

before this time, we arent weening so its breastfeed, settle and then bed.

does that make more sense to you now? my HV was the one who pointed me in the direction to do this.

i should've been clearer in my first post. sorry ladies xxx


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## oliviarose

I would carry on using the sling as much as you can. Also as previously said, try swaddling. This worked wonders for harrison. 

Do you have anybody that can help you out during the day? I used to get everything done before OH left for work and then if I managed to get anything else done it was a bonus. Only help I didn't get was during the school run. What a nightmare with a screaming baby that hated his pushchair.

Enjoy the cuddles whilst you can, you can never get these moments back and they go by too quickly.


----------



## brunette&bubs

you dont.
as a newborn, they just want to be close to their mommy, held, cuddled, eat, sleep, and poop.
when there are troubles in any one of those categories they will cry.

as they get older you can tell the difference between an "i need something" cry and a "i'm just fussing" cry.

i let my 5 month old fuss for about 5 minutes before he goes down for naps or goes to bed.
he's never actually crying just kind of fussing around a bit.


----------



## princess_bump

at this age i'd never leave a baby to cio. maddi was always a brilliant sleeper and i no how lucky we've been with her, but i'd never let her cio - perhaps since she began doing the fake toddler/pre school tears, but never cio. it's different when they are so young. i think i spent lots of maddi's first year cuddling her and letting her nap on me. she's now a wonderfully independent 3 year old, who when she needs a cuddle, everything stops i'm afraid!

to the op - i'd see if your LO has colic too? are the winding enough? i always found it necessary for ff to wind after every oz if your ff that is. the first 6-8 weeks are the hardest, but also the magical time where everything can stop for you and your baby :hugs: xxx


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## Tory

I would never let a newborn cry. Would you consider co-sleeping? That was the only way I got any sleep in the first 6 weeks. We then moved on to swaddling, which worked wonders for us. 

My LO could not sleep for longer than half an hour on his own when he was new, but he is now 4 months and last night slept 8 hours straight through :happydance: and we have never let him cry.


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## Logan's Mum

I never let Logan CIO, as I always thought he was hungry when he cried so just fed him? :shrug: He was in our room not for long but even when in his own room when he got restless and cried I would go in, change him and feed him (BF) for anything up to an hour and a half, had the lights off and only the laptop and B and B and Farmville for company :haha: I wouldnt say he ever cried because he didnt need anything, your LO is too young to be crying for the sake of it (just my opinion and I am fully aware I dont even have a baby any more, but thats what I did when LO was younger and hope it helps)
:flower:


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## Dobchops

Hi hun

Have you tried skin to skin? When mine was crying like that the first week i did skin to skin and it realy help to settle her but maybe with your back lay down. The smell and heat off your skin reminds them of being in your tummy. 

It does get easier with time. Good luck.:hugs:


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## NewMummyx

I dont, i try and soothe him when i hear him grumbling, it normally doesnt get to crying x


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## andbabymakes3

OP, I do understand how hard it is - Holly was a very cuddly little monkey when she was smaller, she wanted to be held, wanted to sleep on me, didn't really like being held by anyone else and fed constantly (20 + times a day some days!). Bear with it, it passes - there will come a time when you will miss those cuddly clingy days so much.

And to the mum who said 'as a parent you have to be cruel to be kind'. Utter utter codswallop. My daughter is almost 2 and I have NEVER been cruel to her, nor will I be. That is one of the most unnerving comments I have seen on here.


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## SophiasMummy

Lina said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...

Thats not true, I have been a single mum by myself since my LO was born I never let her CIO as a newborn only now do I let her CIO occasionally yet ive always managed to do everything that needs doing by just working around her until she settled into a routine its not like newborns are awake alot of the time really


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## Mrs IKW

Never, not for even a second.... Violets 8 months and I never let her cry, we are a 'cuddle it out' household!


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## charlotte-xo

Id never let a newborn a cry. There so new and have just left your warm and cosey tummy, they just need to feel secure and loved. I didnt let alfie cry for a second by himself when he was younger, he had reflux and would cry alot but even if there was nothing that was settling him i still cuddled him to let him no i was there iykwim. Have you thought about getting a moby wrap there great for carrying babies around the house, you have both hands free and baby feels secure. Also swings are great for soothing babies.
please dont let your LO CIO hun. she just needs her mum.

<3


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## lhancock90

Personally i don't think a newborn will cry for no reason, there is always something behind the tears. Hunger/wind/cuddles?


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## mixedmama

Its not recommended to let a baby under 6 months cry it out. I can't even leave my 9 month old to cry for too long. Have you tried other ways of settling her (i.e. dummy?) I know some people dislike dummies but I personally would rather give her one rather than letting LO cry. If the crying gets too much, do speak to a doctor or HV, maybe your LO has colic and you could get something to help with that.


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## SophiasMummy

Oh and definiatly make the most of the cuddles my LO is so independant now that if I didnt feed her I would probably never get cuddles unless she doesnt feel well xxx


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## blondey

Personally I wouldn't let my LO cry it out. Now she is older I let be grizzly, as sometimes she is a fuss pot but if she is crying it's always cuddles or at the very least (if she is in her cot and I don't want to disterb her too much) shhhhh-ing and stroking.

As for this 'cruel to be kind' talk I do not agree that this is right. Same for those people who say you are making a rod for your own back with cuddles. We were really cuddlely when LO was little and she is such an independent madam now and would much rather lay on the floor and wiggle around than have a cuddle with her mummy.

OP, imo I would make the most of the cuddles while you can. I know it can seem hard with excessive crying but at 2 weeks, your LO is so young, there is usually a reason for why they cry at this age. At 2 weeks you cannot not teach a baby to not be dependant on their mummy and all a newborn will learn, if left to cio is that no one comes when they cry and eventually they will stop (although this is not a good thing!!)

Good luck and I'm sure a lot of mums on here will agree in that things do get easier as time goes on.

xx


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## cissyhope

SophiasMummy said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> I don't think it does them harm by crying a little. If she is fed/changed and comforted and continues to cry then let her. I find they tire themselves out and sleep better. Or try a pacifier.
> 
> What about loved? Made to feel secure? :wacko:
> 
> A 2 week old probably doesnt even understand that they are a separate person from their mum yet!
> 
> Crying yourself to sleep isnt a pleasent experience so why make a baby do it?Click to expand...
> 
> 
> You are right, but you would never get things done, that includes getting bottles ready etc if you picked a baby up each time it cried.Click to expand...
> 
> Thats not true, I have been a single mum by myself since my LO was born I never let her CIO as a newborn only now do I let her CIO occasionally yet ive always managed to do everything that needs doing by just working around her until she settled into a routine its not like newborns are awake alot of the time reallyClick to expand...

 I agree to a point,as all babies are different, as mine hardley ever sleeped! its only in the last 3 months that he has had decent naps,before they were 10mins or so :wacko: it was so hard but thats why a sling is so good . by the way im in awe of single mums! dont know how you do it x :flower:


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## stardust599

The attitude and responses of some people on this forum are truly disgusting. The OP asked for advice and has been made to feel an awful, terrible mother. Why can't people just give their advice and offer alternatives rather than being so nasty and downright cruel. I am really completely and utterly disgusted.



Anyway -

I wouldn't let a newborn CIO hun, they don't really understand anything except their needs and have no other way of communicating other than crying. Check for hunger (feed on demand rather than a schedule at this age), dirty nappy, too hot/cold, too noisy - overstimulated?? Swaddle tightly to help baby feel more secure and wait a good 15-20mins before placing baby down. Have you tried playing white noise? The Prince Lionheart Slumber Bear is excellent - it plays recorded womb noises, it goes off automatically if your baby stirs too so settles them back down. Use this with a swaddle and a dummy and your baby will settle much better.

Buy a swing for during the day. PM me if you want anymore tips, I have to go but Macy was the most fussy, unsettled baby ever and still is xxx


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## babz1986

stardust599 said:


> The attitude and responses of some people on this forum are truly disgusting. The OP asked for advice and has been made to feel an awful, terrible mother. Why can't people just give their advice and offer alternatives rather than being so nasty and downright cruel. I am really completely and utterly disgusted.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway -
> 
> I wouldn't let a newborn CIO hun, they don't really understand anything except their needs and have no other way of communicating other than crying. Check for hunger (feed on demand rather than a schedule at this age), dirty nappy, too hot/cold, too noisy - overstimulated?? Swaddle tightly to help baby feel more secure and wait a good 15-20mins before placing baby down. Have you tried playing white noise? The Prince Lionheart Slumber Bear is excellent - it plays recorded womb noises, it goes off automatically if your baby stirs too so settles them back down. Use this with a swaddle and a dummy and your baby will settle much better.
> 
> Buy a swing for during the day. PM me if you want anymore tips, I have to go but Macy was the most fussy, unsettled baby ever and still is xxx


Also I picked up on her LO crying for 4 hours at night - have you thought that it might be colic? trying some infacol or something similar might help to settle her a little bit more.


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## tina3747

Think the op has got the message, maybe a first time mum who just needed a little advice and feels a little over whelmed by the response! We all know how hard it is when you've done all you can to sooth a constant crying baby. Think she now knows it's not acceptable to let a new born cry, even posts I've read on similar subjects have mentioned CIO so maybe she got the wrong end of the stick with regards to age. As in my post I left earlier it's not wise to leave a newborn to cry as they cry for a reason, lots I'd different ways to sooth a baby to sleep it's just a matter of finding one that suits your LO.


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## aliss

IMO, the only time it is okay with a newborn is when you are going to blow your top. When you get angry, frustrated, and might do something stupid - then it is 100% okay to leave them to cry in their crib or other safe place. Calm down, breathe, walk, call for help. 

As for doing it regularly because you can't settle them - I would have to say no, I'm afraid. I'm guilty - I did it once at 1 week, left him for over an hour, it was awful and I'll never forget that night. When I finally went to him, I realized he was cold and looking back, his screaming was the result of acid reflux disease. He was in pain. 

*Have you considered acid reflux??? Severe gas pains?*

I suggest reading Dr Sears Fussy Baby Book and Dr Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block - great ways for dealing with fussy/difficult/refluxy/sick babies. 

You CAN do this. It's the hardest time in your life, the first 6 months with a fussy newborn, but you gotta persevere. Get a good sling, swing, swaddle, whatever it takes Good luck!


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## mixedmama

Its not recommended to let a baby under 6 months cry it out. I can't even leave my 9 month old to cry for too long. Have you tried other ways of settling her (i.e. dummy?) I know some people dislike dummies but I personally would rather give her one rather than letting LO cry. If the crying gets too much, do speak to a doctor or HV, maybe your LO has colic and you could get something to help with that.


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## nicole_

i never let my LO cry without seeing to him, everyone keeps telling me to leave him and let him fuss but i cant bring myself to do it. i know hes not doing it to piss me off
i think its so sad when people say they cry for a bit and 'tire themselves' out, no theyve just given up hope that theyre mums coming to make it better :(


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## aliss

feedindy said:


> Wow I didn't know it was such a hot topic here. Didn't mean to start a debate between you ladies.
> 
> Well I have tried everything. I do have 2 types of slings, and always try to feed/ change diaper/ let out her trapped gas. I literally have tried everything you all mentioned. It is definitely a comfort issue. She just wants to be held, I understand that. Holding her for that long of a time has been physically painful on my wrists and lower back- kind of a pre-existing condition for me, but I have done it as long as she wants.
> 
> Just so I am clear, I had never let her cry it out before, and was scared to. But when I did let her cry off and on for 10 min for the first time just now, she calmed down and was just looking around after the 10 minutes, and then she fell asleep. I wouldn't have let her go on longer than that.

Have you tried very tight swaddling? Do you think she may have a very strong startle reflex?


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## babz1986

aliss said:


> feedindy said:
> 
> 
> Wow I didn't know it was such a hot topic here. Didn't mean to start a debate between you ladies.
> 
> Well I have tried everything. I do have 2 types of slings, and always try to feed/ change diaper/ let out her trapped gas. I literally have tried everything you all mentioned. It is definitely a comfort issue. She just wants to be held, I understand that. Holding her for that long of a time has been physically painful on my wrists and lower back- kind of a pre-existing condition for me, but I have done it as long as she wants.
> 
> Just so I am clear, I had never let her cry it out before, and was scared to. But when I did let her cry off and on for 10 min for the first time just now, she calmed down and was just looking around after the 10 minutes, and then she fell asleep. I wouldn't have let her go on longer than that.
> 
> Have you tried very tight swaddling? Do you think she may have a very strong startle reflex?Click to expand...

this is kind of against the 'rules'.. but Ellie kind of went through this stage and to make her sleep whilst still having that 'comfort' we created a nest around her so it felt she she was still snuggled into us.. We basically rolled up a blanket and laid it around her.

and the same as Aliss - she had to be swaddled - not just swaddled but tightly swaddled! nobody else could swaddle her aswell as me and OH could lol


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## eva2010

hi OP, your LO sounds a little bit like mine and after a few weeks of constant crying in the evening we worked out he has silent reflux and colic. It was confusing at first because he cried when I put him down. Also if he was in his moses basket and had wind he'd scream non-stop. When he was in my arms and had a wind attack he still screamed and cried for hours BUT he could be comforted between each episode.

What i'm trying to say, is that even if i did go with the CIO approach, it wouldn't have worked, he gets comfort from being held close and rocked while he's in pain. I'm not a fan of CIO but i can see how you've reached your wits end and are looking for a way to comfort him and you - i'd try and keep body contact with him as much as possible, get comfy on a chair if you can (I have to walk while rocking my LO to loud music to calm him...). I don't want to tempt fate but my LO's stopped crying like this since we changed his feed, bottles, raised the head end of his moses basket, used infacol, and kept his feeds to the same time each day - quite a list there but maybe there's something useful here for you,

xx


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## aliss

babz1986 said:


> aliss said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> feedindy said:
> 
> 
> Wow I didn't know it was such a hot topic here. Didn't mean to start a debate between you ladies.
> 
> Well I have tried everything. I do have 2 types of slings, and always try to feed/ change diaper/ let out her trapped gas. I literally have tried everything you all mentioned. It is definitely a comfort issue. She just wants to be held, I understand that. Holding her for that long of a time has been physically painful on my wrists and lower back- kind of a pre-existing condition for me, but I have done it as long as she wants.
> 
> Just so I am clear, I had never let her cry it out before, and was scared to. But when I did let her cry off and on for 10 min for the first time just now, she calmed down and was just looking around after the 10 minutes, and then she fell asleep. I wouldn't have let her go on longer than that.
> 
> Have you tried very tight swaddling? Do you think she may have a very strong startle reflex?Click to expand...
> 
> this is kind of against the 'rules'.. but Ellie kind of went through this stage and to make her sleep whilst still having that 'comfort' we created a nest around her so it felt she she was still snuggled into us.. We basically rolled up a blanket and laid it around her.
> 
> and the same as Aliss - she had to be swaddled - not just swaddled but tightly swaddled! nobody else could swaddle her aswell as me and OH could lolClick to expand...

We broke a few rules too...!!! That one too. Although that's how the nurses kept him in the hospital!


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## Cattia

It's important to make the distinction between never 'leaving' a baby to cry and never 'letting' them cry. Sometimes people think that if you pick up and comfort a baby they will stop crying but that isn't always the case. Sometimes they will cry for extended periods even if you have them in a sling, are rocking them, soothing them etc. It means you can find yourself handling a screaming baby for quite some time especially if they have reflux or colic. It is very stressful having a screaming baby in your arms but the difference between that and leaving them is that you know that whatever the reason they are crying, it isnt because they want you or feel that they have been left on their own. Sometimes when people say you should never let a baby cry it sounds like you are doing something wrong if they keep crying, but that isn't the case, some babies just cry and and as long as you are not leaving them then you're doing all you can. Having said that, George has been left to cry for a few minutes on occasion because when you have more than one baby it is pretty hard to avoid; sometimes he starts crying when I am changing Abigail's nappy or bathing her and I can't just leave her - I like to hope this isn't going to do him any long term damage but I always get to him as fast as I physically can.


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## eva2010

i broke that rule too for the same reason aliss did, if it's good enough for nicu it's good enough for me! :)


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## louisiana

i was going to suggest adding infacol for wind as that helped us.and swaddling aswell.
also we used to cuddle Brodie to sleep and at nearly 9 mths he will now go to sleep himself-never had to CIO(apart from when i was on the loo:haha:) and he apears to be a happy independant boy.

and for the person that said u have to be cruel to be kind????i just dont understand that in relation to babies being left to cry how is it being kind?it just teaches them not to cry cause no one will come and get them


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## CarlyP

Never, babies cry because they need something, whether it be milk, tiredness, belly ache or just wants attention.


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## nikkip75

Cattia said:


> It's important to make the distinction between never 'leaving' a baby to cry and never 'letting' them cry. Sometimes people think that if you pick up and comfort a baby they will stop crying but that isn't always the case. Sometimes they will cry for extended periods even if you have them in a sling, are rocking them, soothing them etc. It means you can find yourself handling a screaming baby for quite some time especially if they have reflux or colic. It is very stressful having a screaming baby in your arms but the difference between that and leaving them is that you know that whatever the reason they are crying, it isnt because they want you or feel that they have been left on their own. Sometimes when people say you should never let a baby cry it sounds like you are doing something wrong if they keep crying, but that isn't the case, some babies just cry and and as long as you are not leaving them then you're doing all you can. Having said that, George has been left to cry for a few minutes on occasion because when you have more than one baby it is pretty hard to avoid; sometimes he starts crying
> when I am changing Abigail's nappy or bathing her and I can't just leave her - I like to hope this isn't going to do him any long term damage but I always get to him as fast as I physically can.

I agree with all of this 100% Very well said :thumbup:


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## RDC24

special_kala said:


> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx
> 
> what difference does it make that its night time? A distressed baby is a distressed baby no matter what the time is :dohh:
> 
> Why does a 3/4 month old NEED to sleep through...surely thats for your benefit not theirsClick to expand...

I don't know if a 3/4 month old NEEDS to sleep through, but mine does - and has since 10 weeks old. I do think it is for her benefit that she does this as I am always up checking on her through the night and don't sleep solid myself. She is a very well-rested, happy baby when she gets a solid night's rest (like we all are after we get a solid night's rest).


----------



## special_kala

RDC24 said:


> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx
> 
> what difference does it make that its night time? A distressed baby is a distressed baby no matter what the time is :dohh:
> 
> Why does a 3/4 month old NEED to sleep through...surely thats for your benefit not theirsClick to expand...
> 
> I don't know if a 3/4 month old NEEDS to sleep through, but mine does - and has since 10 weeks old. I do think it is for her benefit that she does this as I am always up checking on her through the night and don't sleep solid myself. She is a very well-rested, happy baby when she gets a solid night's rest (like we all are after we get a solid night's rest).Click to expand...

If a baby is sleeping through of their own accord fine but my post was aimed at the sleep training aspect


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## NG09

I wouldn't leave my 2 week old baby to cry it out at all. Everything is new and scary to them. Yeah it's tough having a newborn at times but that's the reality of having a baby.


----------



## RDC24

special_kala said:


> RDC24 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> special_kala said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> i would just like to add... i have never let my babies cry it out during the daytime only at bedtime. when i sleep train my children i let them cry it out for 15 mins comfort them after 15 then again at 10 mins= 2 nights and they have self settled themselves after this.
> obviously when they're ill/teething i stay with them.
> 
> all i was doing was teaching them that they didnt need me or their father to hold them till they fall asleep!! doesnt make me bad mother.
> 
> my DD slept through the night at 3 weeks old onwards.
> my DS slept through the night after he turned 4 days!! i must be doing something right then eh?
> 
> as a parent, you have to be cruel to be kind! whether or not you agree with this approach is your opinion, but it has worked FANTASTIC for us! (everybody is different) and everyone who meets our children compliments me on how lovely and relaxed they are. xxx
> 
> what difference does it make that its night time? A distressed baby is a distressed baby no matter what the time is :dohh:
> 
> Why does a 3/4 month old NEED to sleep through...surely thats for your benefit not theirsClick to expand...
> 
> I don't know if a 3/4 month old NEEDS to sleep through, but mine does - and has since 10 weeks old. I do think it is for her benefit that she does this as I am always up checking on her through the night and don't sleep solid myself. She is a very well-rested, happy baby when she gets a solid night's rest (like we all are after we get a solid night's rest).Click to expand...
> 
> If a baby is sleeping through of their own accord fine but my post was aimed at the sleep training aspectClick to expand...

I see.


----------



## XfairyhopesX

Never at that age, they are too young and find everything scary even being out down, picking LO up when crying at this age is v v normal and fine angel xx


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## Pramaholic86

4 hours is a long time you must be knackered :hugs:
I've not read all the replies so sorry if I'm repeating..

When I was in hospital after having LO I sat up literally from 10pm to 7am, she's my first baby. Every single time I tried to put her dowqn she cried and so did I, I was exhausted and only got to sleep in visiting hours when OH was there.

After 4 nights of this a midwife finally showed me how to swaddle her and made a little nest out of two rolled up towels either side of her so she was all cosied in, it worked an absolute treat, I just wish someone had showed me earlier!

Hope you find a solution xx


----------



## _Vicky_

charli87 said:


> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> *15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise*, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx
> 
> sorry but thats not the case, ive never let chloe CIO, a little whinge around 5/6ms but never to cry for 15mins, its made no 'rod for my own back' shes not clingy a light sleeper or needy in the slightestClick to expand...

I have to agree here too - i have never ever let either of mine cry it out and both self settle arent clingy and sleep 12 hours a night.

I am passionate in my belief that you give a baby what they need and want and in most cases its just love time and cuddles xxx


----------



## RDC24

I do think the OP understands by now that leaving a 2 week old to cry is not a great idea. Hopefully, she has gotten some advice that will be helpful as being a mom is the hardest thing ever - especially in the early weeks.

I wouldn't go as far to say you can never, ever leave a baby to cry ever though - especially when they are older. Everybody has a different opinion on that, though.

Know your baby's cries and you will be able to know if they are really distressed and need something or if they are just whining/don't want to go down for their nap.

Good luck! Lots of holding and cuddles are great ideas for a brand new baby. I'm sure you are doing the best you can. Hang in there - it gets loads easier, but then something new (growth spurts, teething) will crop up - just the way it is in a mommy's life!


----------



## NG09

cinnamum said:


> 15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx

Not being picky but that is a load of rubbish. I have never let my LO CIO and he is neither clingy or a light sleeper.


----------



## louandivy

:hugs: to the OP. Although I don't agree with CIO please don't let people make you feel bad - I had NO idea that leaving a baby to cry was damaging until I joined this site when Ivy was 4 months. I am very lucky in that most of the people around me didn't encourage CIO but if they did I probably would have listened to them! It doesn't make you a bad mum, I think the older generation just got it a bit wrong to be honest! I promise that this is just a stage and once your LO is smiling at you, you will feel so appreciated and everything will seem easier :hugs:


----------



## tristansmum

i can't even let my 8 month out cry it out. a newborn is defictely too young. she needs you hun


----------



## Pramaholic86

Would be nice to see more supportive posts to the OP, we have all been exhausted with a newborn and it's easy to forget what it was like, saying 'I'd never do that.' is quite unhelpful and probably making her feel even worse xx


----------



## louandivy

Pramaholic86 said:


> Would be nice to see more supportive posts to the OP, we have all been exhausted with a newborn and it's easy to forget what it was like, saying 'I'd never do that.' is quite unhelpful and probably making her feel even worse xx

I agree. I remember how helpless I felt when Ivy wouldn't stop crying in the early days, if I had posted a thread like this and got these responses I would have been so upset.


----------



## venusrockstar

I never let Bella CIO. Babies can't talk so crying is their only way of telling you that something is wrong and they need to be comforted. I couldn't stand to hear her crying, it broke my heart. I would do everything I could to try to be there for her and comfort her and not leave her alone to cry. 

The only times I let her cry for a bit is if I had to use the washroom, shower or get something off the stove, needed to collect myself/take a short break etc. I wouldn't leave her for longer than 5-10 min crying though. 

I don't believe that not letting them CIO makes for a clingy baby either. Bella is very well balanced, independent and sleeps 12-14 hours straight through the night, goes down for her naps without a fuss, she self settles herself to sleep etc. I have never had to use any form of sleep training to accomplish this.

It's hard when they're crying, so if you need to take a little break and walk away, then do so for a short time.


----------



## nikkip75

louandivy said:


> :hugs: to the OP. Although I don't agree with CIO please don't let people make you feel bad - I had NO idea that leaving a baby to cry was damaging until I joined this site when Ivy was 4 months. I am very lucky in that most of the people around me didn't encourage CIO but if they did I probably would have listened to them! It doesn't make you a bad mum, I think the older generation just got it a bit wrong to be honest! I promise that this is just a stage and once your LO is smiling at you, you will feel so appreciated and everything will seem easier :hugs:

To the OP this is really true, my eldest is 15 and when she was s baby I really didn't have a clue about CIO. Then we were told to let baby cry or you would end up with a spoilt child! There was no such thing as CIO/CC/sleep training then. Or if there was I didnt know about it. Probably because it was before the Internet!! Yes I am a dinosaur :haha:

But it will get better in time, and like someone else said then come the growth spurts and the teething and tantrums and that's a whole other story! It's all a learning curve and you are doing the best thing by asking for advice. Dont let people put you of ever asking for a bit of help:hugs:


----------



## charlotte-xo

I dont think anyones trying to make the OP feel bad just trying to get the point across that you shouldnt really let a newborn cry. I suggested to maybe get a wrap or maybe a swing. OP I hope my post didnt make you feel bad, :hugs: I feel bad now. I can remember how alfie was in the newborn stages he would just cry and id cry holding him. newborns are hardwork anyway but when you have a baby who cries alot its ten timess worse :hugs: hope you find a soloution. and just to add that it does get easier as they get bigger, well saying that alfies being a nightmare :lol: but before that seeing the smiles, giggles and watching him learn new things has just supressed the memories of him being a monster in the beginning :haha: 

<3


----------



## Pramaholic86

louandivy said:


> Pramaholic86 said:
> 
> 
> Would be nice to see more supportive posts to the OP, we have all been exhausted with a newborn and it's easy to forget what it was like, saying 'I'd never do that.' is quite unhelpful and probably making her feel even worse xx
> 
> I agree. I remember how helpless I felt when Ivy wouldn't stop crying in the early days, if I had posted a thread like this and got these responses I would have been so upset.Click to expand...

Me too, I spent the first two weeks in tears, sore from having her, exhausted and emotional.
Why do I want more kids again? :haha:

Once your past that point being a mummy is the best thing in the world, it took about 6 weeks to click for me though :)


----------



## KittyVentura

If it helps, Fin cried what seemed like constantly til about 4 weeks. Then I learned more about his cries and actually learnt he was overtired and overstimulated lol.

It does get easier. 

Sometimes I would just have to hold and gently rock while he continued crying and fell asleep.

xx


----------



## LittleBoo

Ignoring all comments slagging off anyone who CIO before 6 months, or in general, such as 'you're not fulfilling your role as a parent' as my response would likely be colourful.


I let my firstborn CIO from a young age. Before 2 months. I made sure he was full, winded and comfortable. If he was ill, it would be different. He started STTN from 2 months onward. Not saying there is a connection, but I will be doing the same with any other children I have. Luckily, I believe in myself as a mother therefore am happy to let ignorant people take a bash at trying to make me feel like any less of a mother for this.


----------



## lynys

venusrockstar said:


> The only times I let her cry for a bit is if I had to use the washroom, shower or get something off the stove, needed to collect myself/take a short break etc. I wouldn't leave her for longer than 5-10 min crying though.
> 
> I don't believe that not letting them CIO makes for a clingy baby either. Bella is very well balanced, independent and sleeps 12-14 hours straight through the night, goes down for her naps without a fuss, she self settles herself to sleep etc. I have never had to use any form of sleep training to accomplish this.
> 
> It's hard when they're crying, so if you need to take a little break and walk away, then do so for a short time.

Same. My LO has only been left to cry if I have to use the washroom before feeding her, or sometimes in the car as there is nothing I can do about her crying. And, it seems everytime I get her to sleep, and go jump in the shower, she wakes and cries. 

My LO also settles herself some nights when I put her down after a feeding and we have no problems letting her sleep in her crib in her room. She naps occasionally with me, but only because we were feeding and both fell asleep. 

They are too little at this point to be left to cry.


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## MizzDeeDee

NEVER! When they cry at this age they need something...it's not a manipulation.


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## MizzDeeDee

lynys said:


> venusrockstar said:
> 
> 
> The only times I let her cry for a bit is if I had to use the washroom, shower or get something off the stove, needed to collect myself/take a short break etc. I wouldn't leave her for longer than 5-10 min crying though.
> 
> I don't believe that not letting them CIO makes for a clingy baby either. Bella is very well balanced, independent and sleeps 12-14 hours straight through the night, goes down for her naps without a fuss, she self settles herself to sleep etc. I have never had to use any form of sleep training to accomplish this.
> 
> It's hard when they're crying, so if you need to take a little break and walk away, then do so for a short time.
> 
> Same. My LO has only been left to cry if I have to use the washroom before feeding her, or sometimes in the car as there is nothing I can do about her crying. And, it seems everytime I get her to sleep, and go jump in the shower, she wakes and cries.
> 
> My LO also settles herself some nights when I put her down after a feeding and we have no problems letting her sleep in her crib in her room. She naps occasionally with me, but only because we were feeding and both fell asleep.
> 
> They are too little at this point to be left to cry.Click to expand...

I agree and don't consider this CIO. If you're in the other room playing Farmville on FB while he/she is hysterical then that is CIO..but you have to pee or take a shower or fix a bottle... entirely different.


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## Lilly12

I never have let my DD "cry it out".

Now she's 3 months on Thursday and she sometimes whines a little, so I let her do that for a minute, but never crying.
A newborn doesn't whine, they cry, for a reason, they are hungry, need a diaper change, have gas, need mommy cuddles and warmth, their tummy hurts, they need to poop but need help, they're tired, they're overstimulated, etc etc.
Just hold them, be close to them, that's what they need.
This world is a scary world for a tiny baby that has been warm and so close to mommy for 9 months, never had to worry about being hungry or needing to poop.
See it from their perspective!


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## Princess86

My lo is 9mnths & I've never let him cio. 9 times out of 10 theres a reason y they cry, even if you've fed, changed nappy it cud b that lo is bored or hs trapped wind. x


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## cowboys angel

I never let my LO cio...she cries for a reason and sometimes that's just her wanting momma loves


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## Murphy98

NG09 said:


> cinnamum said:
> 
> 
> 15 minutes after they turn 3/4 months, is our rule.
> you'll make a rod for your own back otherwise, i think its important to teach a baby to self settle at a young age as they'll become clingy and light sleepers.
> newborns need lots of skin to skin and cuddles as they've been close to you for 9 months and all freaked out!
> tracy hogg did an excellent book called 'secrets from the baby whisperer' a good read hun, i highly recommend it xxxx
> 
> Not being picky but that is a load of rubbish. I have never let my LO CIO and he is neither clingy or a light sleeper.Click to expand...

I feel compelled to point out that Tracey Hogg (Baby Whisperer) is 100% against CC and CIO - even for 5 min. However, I also recommend her books because they have some interesting information and suggestions. 

OP big hugs hun - those early days are SO hard. I hope you don't feel jumped on. 

My own feeling is that the first months (years really) are to establish trust - when you meet your LO's basic needs they are learning that they can trust you. Only with that security firmly as a foundation can a child have the freedom to fully move forward to higher building blocks of emotional maturity and growth. 

Slings, swings, swaddles, pat-shushing, rocking, white noise, steamy bathroom, warm bath, baby massage, vibrating whatnots, soothers, crib aquariums, mom's shirt (smells like you), a solid routine (set of rituals not time schedule) gripe water - all of these things can really help. Heck, my son used to nap in the bathroom to the bathroom fan and the shower running. Give it time hun. There were many nights in those exhausting early weeks where I just _surrendered_, settled onto the couch with my LO to watch some (a lot) of late night tv and just gave in to the moment.

That said, absolutly discuss this with your Dr and rule out any medical issues. 

:hugs:


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## cowboys angel

^^ very well said


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## CameraGirl

Early days will have you in a rollercoaster of emotions especially if you are a new mum, nothing prepares you for being a mummy.

I fully support the freedom to express opinions so coming from a completely personal point of view, we were against letting Em's cry it out. We believe that she needed to know that we would be there for her especially 6 months and under. At 3/4 months old babies WILL be clingy, they are still processing this new world, new people and are ENTIRELY counting on you for everything.

I LOVE Murphy98's comment about laying on the sofa and watching some tv, I did the same when I felt overwhelmed, like I wanted to cry I would swaddle my baby and lay on the sofa watching some tv.


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## Kimmer

To the OP, it does get better! My LO went through the same thing. I used to just sit with her down my top, she was only wearing a nappy. We would just sit there for hours on end. I just made sure I had the remote, a huge bag of crisps and a magazine to read.

I'm a firm believer that a baby always cries for a reason, even if it is just for a cuddle.. and that's okay!

Honestly, it seems like a million years ago when all my LO wanted was cuddles, now when I cuddle her, she pushes me away and goes off to play!

My daughter has never been left to cry. Not even for 30 seconds. She's 13 months now and is the happiest little lamb I've ever met.

It does get better hun. Leaving a young baby will probably just make the situation worse.
I don't want to repeat too much that has already been said :flower:

I'm not even going to mention the 'rod for your own back' comment! :dohh:


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## gills8752

Aww the early days are hard and its difficult to think of things to do when you are stressed wit the crying. I found it helpful to have a list of things to try so I don't forget what to do. 

eg - swaddling, a bath (even if youve only just bathed) milk, swing, boucer chair, walk in buggy, drive in car, even just a change of room, lighting, clothing can make a difference. too warm, too cold, put on tummy, cuddle into neck cuddle into boobs (even if not bf babies love boobs lol) walking back and forth down the hallway, sucking on your finger,...cant think of anything else, but write it all down and keepit handy so you can go through the list and hopefully something will work xx


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## GeorgeyGal

I know this thread has been done to death but my LO suffers from reflux and at the time undiagnosed cows milk protein intolerance and colic so he used to scream from 6pm-10pm at least or more, every night, I did find swaying from foot to foot helped and if he really was in a state, SKIN TO SKIN, this helps in so many ways. If I could go back I would have accepted more help and not insisted on doing most of it myself, get a family member to take LO out in pram, my LO always used to fall asleep in pram or OH for a few hours before bed, that way you can get a few hours sleep in the evening to see you through the night. 

I remember week 5 he stopped this and I was able to put him down for a nap in his pram, (seriously for 5 weeks he slept on me constantly! But looking back I probably could have put him down for a nap earlier I just didnt know what I was doing yet!) gently rocking him, I found gently shaking the pram from side to side in a jiggle helped and using a dummy to relax him enough to sleep. 

I also found writing down feeding and sleep times really helped me know how long he could stay awake for, your LO is too young for that but I wish someone would have told me a LO cant stay awake longer than 2hrs without getting overtired, in my LOs case it is now 1.5hrs, and first signs of yawning and rubbing eyes, sleepy time even if he looks wide awake, saves alot of grizzling when putting down for the nap! Oh and WHITE NOISE I have a Prince Lionheart teddy that plays waves and womb sounds, if LO stirs it sets itself off again, really useful! And finally he loves his glide crib for the motion x


----------



## mrsthomas623

To the OP- Sorry this thread has had such a holier than though fan base but hopefully some of the kinder people have given you some good tips. :hugs: Nolan screamed constantly for the first 3 months of his life and I cannot tell you how horrible it was. Swaddling and bouncing in the bouncy chair was the combination that really seemed to help. If you need to take 5 or 10 minutes to cool down (I did, MANY of times!) it is not going to 'damage' your child and you are still a damn fine parent!!! How ridiculous for someone to say you are not "fulfilling your role as a parent." Deserves a swift kick in the head.

I will admit I did always hold him and cuddle him (except when I needed to have a few minutes for my sanity) because I could. I have no other children yet and stayed home fulltime with him... will I be able to always do that when we have another baby... no. Do I think I will be damaging that baby...no. :dohh:


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## special_kala

mrsthomas623 said:


> To the OP- Sorry this thread has had such a holier than though fan base but hopefully some of the kinder people have given you some good tips. :hugs: Nolan screamed constantly for the first 3 months of his life and I cannot tell you how horrible it was. Swaddling and bouncing in the bouncy chair was the combination that really seemed to help. *If you need to take 5 or 10 minutes to cool down (I did, MANY of times!) it is not going to 'damage' your child and you are still a damn fine parent!!! * How ridiculous for someone to say you are not "fulfilling your role as a parent." Deserves a swift kick in the head.
> 
> I will admit I did always hold him and cuddle him (except when I needed to have a few minutes for my sanity) because I could. I have no other children yet and stayed home fulltime with him... will I be able to always do that when we have another baby... no. Do I think I will be damaging that baby...no. :dohh:

No body condemned this. That wasnt what the thread was about at all.

Ive never left River to cry just because she had been fed/clean etc. Yes ive had to put her down and walk away a few times because i could feel myself getting worked up and needed to calm down. I think most parents have but that is not the same as just leaving them to cry for 4 hours as the OP mentioned!


----------



## Mum2b_Claire

I guess we're just holier than thou :winkwink:


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## special_kala

Do i get a halo?


----------



## leahsbabybump

the health visitor and two differant midwifes both told me last week that its OK to let a new baby cry for 1-2mins maximun if they are still crying after 2 mins they are either hungry dirty or need a cuddle. 
If your baby is crying for 4 hours did you not try and feed her i know it sounds silly but my little one feeds every 20 mins sometimes :-/ also she poos very regular soo needs a nappy change every hour to 2 hours :-/ 
If she is crying for 4 hours at a time and you cant console her perhaps you need to take her to GP :-/


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## LittleBoo

Actually someone DID say 'you're not fulfilling your role as a parent' quite early on.


----------



## special_kala

Im not disputing that but there is a big difference between walking away from your baby for 5 minutes because your getting frazzled and walking away because you figure they will shut up if you leave them long enough


----------



## LittleBoo

KatelynsMummy said:


> My LO is nearly 8 month and I cant leave her to cry, I honestly cant see how people do it!
> IMO, if you dont comfort your child when he/she is crying, your not living up to your role as a parent. :shrug:

Here we go. Didn't get the exact wording right but yep, apparently if you leave your child to cry you're a shit parent. Lovely.


----------



## LittleBoo

I don't really think it did my son any psychological damage. Guess the years ahead will tell, if he's in therapy by the age of 5 then I'll let y'all know I failed as a parent. What's one of this forums favorites? 'Each to their own' ;)


----------



## KatelynsMummy

LittleBoo said:


> KatelynsMummy said:
> 
> 
> My LO is nearly 8 month and I cant leave her to cry, I honestly cant see how people do it!
> IMO, if you dont comfort your child when he/she is crying, your not living up to your role as a parent. :shrug:
> 
> Here we go. Didn't get the exact wording right but yep, apparently if you leave your child to cry you're a shit parent. Lovely.Click to expand...

Does it say your a shit parent?!
When you have a baby you sign up for sleepless nights and endless cuddles. A newborn who has been tucked up in a belly for 9 whole months nice and warm suddenly comes into this huge space, its scary and as a parent you should make it as homely as possible. If you leave your baby to cry for hours on end, your not living up to the role you signed up for when you got pregnant. * my opinion *


----------



## nikkip75

I don't think its worth giving any more advice because the poor op has probably scarpered by now! She was asking for help not to be told she wasn't fulfilling her role as a mother or that it comes with the territory! we all know that. Still it doesn't stop it being really hard sometimes :nope:


----------



## special_kala

If your confident and happy with the decisons you made as a parent why get so defensive?


----------



## special_kala

I think alot of the replies arnt directed at the OP but other posters who made out like its completely fine and ok to leave a tiny baby to cry


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## flower94

Never let a baby that young CIO xx
Try getting a carrier so that all the holding her will be easier on you


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## Mum2b_Claire

I don't think any of the more blunt replies were directed to the OP at all, I know my replies were more along the lines of 'this is how it is, it's normal, it's the reality of having a baby.' That's information based on knowledge and experience, which, forgive me if I'm wrong, i thought a forum was for sharing. 

Another poster said they left a 3-4 month old to cry for 15 minutes, I stand by my personal feeling on that which I already gave, that has no bearing on the OP.


----------



## LittleBoo

Heh it wasn't defensive hun it was a joke. Of course it hasn't affected him, he's just as happy as the little ones who were canoodled every minute of the day (not meant to be offensive, just trying to keep my tone relaxed). You're entitled to your opinion, just as lady who thinks people who let their children cry aren't living up to their role as a parent, and just as I am to think it does no harm to let them have a cry. I wouldn't leave him more than 5 minutes when he was that small, normally he didn't even need that. Just a few minutes, and he'd chill and be off to sleep. Any longer and I'd know there was something up. I still had the sleepless nights, I just had a different approach, that's all :)


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## LittleBoo

Oh and in regards to the 3-4 month thing, I know it's your opinion but I thought I'd mention that a lot of the sites with information on CIO/CC, and not the ones that are biased, just the informative 'this is one way of doing it' things, on baby center I think and a few others that hold a few different sleep techniques, I think most say between 4-6 months is a good time to start. Just mentioning :)


----------



## Kota

Nope, never, not even for a minute. and believe me, I held in wee until my bladder felt like it was going to burst, and when it felt like that, i just took him to the loo with me. A newborn baby should NEVER cry longer then it takes its mother to get from whereever she is, to the baby. 

and if it makes me holier then thou... then pass the halo, but leaving a newborn baby to cry for 4hours, is not living up to your role as a parent. There is something seriously wrong with that child if it is crying for 4hrs straight., and by just leaving them there to cry. well I'm sorry, but thats bordering on neglect. :(


----------



## Mum2b_Claire

LittleBoo said:


> Oh and in regards to the 3-4 month thing, I know it's your opinion but I thought I'd mention that a lot of the sites with information on CIO/CC, and not the ones that are biased, just the informative 'this is one way of doing it' things, on baby center I think and a few others that hold a few different sleep techniques, I think most say between 4-6 months is a good time to start. Just mentioning :)

I personally wouldn't listen to babycentre anyway, there's a lot of nonsense on there IMO, all very mainstream / 20th century parenting based rather than the parenting I do. I also disagree that there is any 'good' time to start CIO.


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## special_kala

To me CIO shouldnt be a choice at all. Its a last resort that a parent feels they have to do.

but i guess different people have different ideas of what they _have_ to do


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## Mum2b_Claire

special_kala said:


> but i guess different people have different ideas of what they _have_ to do

That's the biggy - totally. It's the main difference of opinion here. It won't be resolved!


----------



## aliss

Where did anyone say they were leaving a baby to CIO for 4 hours?

I know the OP said she can't hold the baby for 4 hours, is that where it came from, or did I miss something?

Unfortunately yes, some newborns DO cry for 4,6,8 hours straight, believe me, I had one! Yes, I spent many nights in emerg trying to see what was wrong. In hindsight, there were several things wrong.

My point is this:

There is no such thing as just "ONE WAY" for baby to cry. We've got several things floating around. Some people are talking about sleep training, some are talking about "a rod", some are talking about colic, etc etc.

I think EVERYONE can agree that when a mother is about to lose her cool, that she needs to step away and leave that baby. Everyone should agree to that. Nobody, I hope, is so zealous that they would rather an angry mother get angrier holding a crying baby then to leave it safely in a crib or bassinet.

When you have a colicky fussy baby, they WILL cry, for hours and hours. Leaving them to cry for 5 minutes and then they pass out is imaginary dream world when coming to a fussy/colicky baby. OP's baby, as she describes, sounds like one of those. Until you have one of those, you simply cannot understand. 

It's my OPINION, after raising one of those for 13 months, that leaving them to cry does no good. Yes, you have to do it when you get angry. But to do it in an attempt to "fix" them, "settle" them, "make a rod" bullshit or whatever, nope, doesn't work.

So you get a sling. You get a bouncer. You swaddle them, put them in a jogging stroller and run for an hour. You jiggle them. You do whatever it takes. Because those are the only things that work. Leaving them to cry does not work. They may eventually pass out after 1-2 hours but you've done nothing to improve the situation unless you eventually want to break that spirited personality. It's tiring, it's exhausting, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do - but leaving a "high needs" baby to cry simply doesn't work. And any of us who had one can confirm the same.

I hope you are doing better today OP.


----------



## mrsthomas623

Mum2b_Claire said:


> I guess we're just holier than thou :winkwink:




special_kala said:


> mrsthomas623 said:
> 
> 
> To the OP- Sorry this thread has had such a holier than though fan base but hopefully some of the kinder people have given you some good tips. :hugs: Nolan screamed constantly for the first 3 months of his life and I cannot tell you how horrible it was. Swaddling and bouncing in the bouncy chair was the combination that really seemed to help. *If you need to take 5 or 10 minutes to cool down (I did, MANY of times!) it is not going to 'damage' your child and you are still a damn fine parent!!! * How ridiculous for someone to say you are not "fulfilling your role as a parent." Deserves a swift kick in the head.
> 
> I will admit I did always hold him and cuddle him (except when I needed to have a few minutes for my sanity) because I could. I have no other children yet and stayed home fulltime with him... will I be able to always do that when we have another baby... no. Do I think I will be damaging that baby...no. :dohh:
> 
> No body condemned this. That wasnt what the thread was about at all.
> 
> Ive never left River to cry just because she had been fed/clean etc. Yes ive had to put her down and walk away a few times because i could feel myself getting worked up and needed to calm down. I think most parents have but that is not the same as just leaving them to cry for 4 hours as the OP mentioned!Click to expand...

Actually, that quote wasn't directed at either of you. :shrug::haha: More toward the people who were stating that you should never ever leave a baby to cry, end of. That may be easier for some moms than others, some babies do cry CONSTANTLY (believe me, I had one :thumbup:). Nolan would scream (red faced, arching back screaming) for hours at a time, not a little cry and would do this regardless of me holding him, in his swing, in his bouncy chair, in the carseat, etc. Many of times, when my ears could not take anymore, I would sit beside him with him in his bouncy chair and just bounce him... yes, he was still screaming. I just don't want the OP feeling like a crap parent for doing this, that is the last thing a new, exhausted momma needs to feel! :hugs:

I just want new moms to know it is ok to take that few minutes to calm down or have a quiet moment, it will not ruin your child for life.


----------



## special_kala

Aliss your right i misread the OP :flower: My apologies


----------



## aliss

Yep I remember singing to the bouncer while he screamed his lungs out :rofl: I'm pretty sure you were doing the same at the same time!


----------



## mrsthomas623

Kota said:


> Nope, never, not even for a minute. and believe me, I held in wee until my bladder felt like it was going to burst, and when it felt like that, i just took him to the loo with me. A newborn baby should NEVER cry longer then it takes its mother to get from whereever she is, to the baby.
> 
> and if it makes me holier then thou... then pass the halo, but leaving a newborn baby to cry for 4hours, is not living up to your role as a parent. There is something seriously wrong with that child if it is crying for 4hrs straight., and by just leaving them there to cry. well I'm sorry, but thats bordering on neglect. :(

Now this is exactly the holier than thou attitude I am talking about! And where was it stated that she left her child to cry for 4 hours??? I believe (and correct me if I am wrong) after her child crying for 4 hours (with her comforting) she let him/her cry for 5 or 10 minutes. Until you truly have a colicky baby (not a gassy baby, not a fussy baby) you have no idea what it can be like. This is the kind of pressure on moms that is unhealthy. :nope:


----------



## mrsthomas623

aliss said:


> Where did anyone say they were leaving a baby to CIO for 4 hours?
> 
> I know the OP said she can't hold the baby for 4 hours, is that where it came from, or did I miss something?
> 
> Unfortunately yes, some newborns DO cry for 4,6,8 hours straight, believe me, I had one! Yes, I spent many nights in emerg trying to see what was wrong. In hindsight, there were several things wrong.
> 
> My point is this:
> 
> There is no such thing as just "ONE WAY" for baby to cry. We've got several things floating around. Some people are talking about sleep training, some are talking about "a rod", some are talking about colic, etc etc.
> 
> I think EVERYONE can agree that when a mother is about to lose her cool, that she needs to step away and leave that baby. Everyone should agree to that. Nobody, I hope, is so zealous that they would rather an angry mother get angrier holding a crying baby then to leave it safely in a crib or bassinet.
> 
> When you have a colicky fussy baby, they WILL cry, for hours and hours. Leaving them to cry for 5 minutes and then they pass out is imaginary dream world when coming to a fussy/colicky baby. OP's baby, as she describes, sounds like one of those. Until you have one of those, you simply cannot understand.
> 
> It's my OPINION, after raising one of those for 13 months, that leaving them to cry does no good. Yes, you have to do it when you get angry. But to do it in an attempt to "fix" them, "settle" them, "make a rod" bullshit or whatever, nope, doesn't work.
> 
> So you get a sling. You get a bouncer. You swaddle them, put them in a jogging stroller and run for an hour. You jiggle them. You do whatever it takes. Because those are the only things that work. Leaving them to cry does not work. They may eventually pass out after 1-2 hours but you've done nothing to improve the situation unless you eventually want to break that spirited personality. It's tiring, it's exhausting, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do - but leaving a "high needs" baby to cry simply doesn't work. And any of us who had one can confirm the same.
> 
> I hope you are doing better today OP.

Thank you, Aliss! You always have such a way with words.. where as I come off way too emotional. Blame it on fertility supplements! :blush:


----------



## mrsthomas623

aliss said:


> Yep I remember singing to the bouncer while he screamed his lungs out :rofl: I'm pretty sure you were doing the same at the same time!

I seriously would have been lost without you and Alex! Just knowing someone else was going through the same thing made me feel better. :flower: There were some nights when I was crying harder than he was! :haha:


----------



## aliss

:rofl:


----------



## Angela49uk

I'd never let a newborn CIO, i should imagine it scares them and makes them feel insecure x


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## Pramaholic86

I read the OP as her baby was crying for four hours while she was trying to soothe her, not she let her baby CIO for four hours?


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## cowboys angel

That's how I read it too.

I also have what classifies as a 'high needs infant.' I have had to step away for a few minutes to relax when she's screaming for long periods. But then I come back and cuddle her and sing to her or put her in her swing, or put her in her carrier and go for a walk. We rarely go for a drive, gas is expensive :haha:

But anyway, OP, I understand where you're coming from. It's hard. Don't stress out about it. I wouldn't let her cry it out in the sense that you just let her lay there and cry hoping she falls asleep, but I do recommend you take a breather occasionally. 

I'm sorry for everybody getting on you in this post. You were just looking for help. PM me if you have any questions, or need support.


----------



## nikkip75

Pramaholic86 said:


> I read the OP as her baby was crying for four hours while she was trying to soothe her, not she let her baby CIO for four hours?

She did, but people will just see what they want to see and attack them without actually reading the full facts first:shrug:

Hope the poster who said she was bordering on neglect apologises to the op for getting her wires crossed :dohh:


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## KatieB

Pramaholic86 said:


> I read the OP as her baby was crying for four hours while she was trying to soothe her, not she let her baby CIO for four hours?

That's right, nowhere did the poor woman say she was letting her baby cry alone in a cot for 4 hours. I bet she wishes she's never posted anything now.


----------



## Cattia

She's probably crying it out herself by now!


----------



## cowboys angel

KatieB said:


> Pramaholic86 said:
> 
> 
> I read the OP as her baby was crying for four hours while she was trying to soothe her, not she let her baby CIO for four hours?
> 
> That's right, nowhere did the poor woman say she was letting her baby cry alone in a cot for 4 hours. I bet she wishes she's never posted anything now.Click to expand...

Probably, poor girl. No one can understand how it if when you have a 'high maintenance' LO unless they've also had one. It's stressful, and you spend a lot of time crying too. 

Seriously OP. I have one too, I understand, and I understand how you feel when you're dealing with it. I am always available if you have questions/need someone to talk to.

:hug:


----------



## Pramaholic86

I didn't have a high needs newborn and was overwhelmed.
There's some really good advice on here, I wish I'd known some of these tips when LO was brand new!
To say she's neglecting her LO is just horrible :(


----------



## tu123

Hi OP
Our LO did nothng but scream for the first few months of her life. It was torturous!

But, we found out she had reflux which i am sure hadnt helped.

Things that helped for us were the swing, sling and PU/PD. Someone mentioned CIO and Tracey Hogg. I have read her books and thought she was against CIO? Anyway, her tips on PU/PD are very good and allow the baby to feel comforted and always know you are there. You start by laying them down to bed after a bedtime routine so they are dry, clean and fed. If they make little "mantra" cries (whining rather than crying), you put your hand on the back and rub or pat them gently with soft "shuss" noises. As soon as they cry you pick them up and hold close to you whilst talking softly to them. When they calm you put them down straight away. You repeat this and it can take a while. But you never leave them! You stay by the bed until they are asleep and you answer every cry with a hold. It took a week of practice for us but now, our LO usually stops crying with just a hand on her back or a soft voice.

It may not be up your street but it is a way to avoid CIO and help them learn how to sleep. Babies do not have clue how to get to sleep. Unlike us when we are tired we sleep, babies get worked up and frustrated and thus cry.

And if you manage to sort out the sleep dont expect it to stay the same. If our LO is teething or is poorly we have to go back to square one and start the system all over again.

I hope things improve for you:hugs:


----------



## fizzy2010

I have not had time to read all the posts but have you tried the 'Tiger in the Tree' hold (sometimes called the colic hold, I think?). If you google it, you should find some links for it. It worked wonders when our LO was crying as a newborn.

Good luck- I hope it gets easier for you soon.


----------



## DanielleM

aliss said:


> Where did anyone say they were leaving a baby to CIO for 4 hours?
> 
> I know the OP said she can't hold the baby for 4 hours, is that where it came from, or did I miss something?
> 
> Unfortunately yes, some newborns DO cry for 4,6,8 hours straight, believe me, I had one! Yes, I spent many nights in emerg trying to see what was wrong. In hindsight, there were several things wrong.
> 
> My point is this:
> 
> There is no such thing as just "ONE WAY" for baby to cry. We've got several things floating around. Some people are talking about sleep training, some are talking about "a rod", some are talking about colic, etc etc.
> 
> I think EVERYONE can agree that when a mother is about to lose her cool, that she needs to step away and leave that baby. Everyone should agree to that. Nobody, I hope, is so zealous that they would rather an angry mother get angrier holding a crying baby then to leave it safely in a crib or bassinet.
> 
> When you have a colicky fussy baby, they WILL cry, for hours and hours. Leaving them to cry for 5 minutes and then they pass out is imaginary dream world when coming to a fussy/colicky baby. OP's baby, as she describes, sounds like one of those. Until you have one of those, you simply cannot understand.
> 
> It's my OPINION, after raising one of those for 13 months, that leaving them to cry does no good. Yes, you have to do it when you get angry. But to do it in an attempt to "fix" them, "settle" them, "make a rod" bullshit or whatever, nope, doesn't work.
> 
> So you get a sling. You get a bouncer. You swaddle them, put them in a jogging stroller and run for an hour. You jiggle them. You do whatever it takes. Because those are the only things that work. Leaving them to cry does not work. They may eventually pass out after 1-2 hours but you've done nothing to improve the situation unless you eventually want to break that spirited personality. It's tiring, it's exhausting, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do - but leaving a "high needs" baby to cry simply doesn't work. And any of us who had one can confirm the same.
> 
> I hope you are doing better today OP.

Aliss, always the voice of reason, you have such a way with words I am envious!! :haha:

OP I cannot add to the advice as I think everybody else has covered it, but try to ignore the non-helpful threads and just take the advice from the more informative ones. Also take all of the hugs, it will feel like it is never going to get better, but it will, just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it just yet.

:hugs:


----------



## sapphire1

As far as I can tell OP never said she lets LO cry it out, she was asking for our advice on if she should do so. I would imagine that she's taken everyone's advice on board, and realises that CIO just isn't an option for a newborn. As a new mum I had no idea on what to do with a newborn who screamed for hours on end, and would never sleep. It turned out that Holly was screaming for a reason - silent reflux. OP, do you think you can see a reason for the crying? Is it before, during or after feeding? Before or after sleep etc? If it's before eating/sleeping then it's probably hunger/tiredness. If it's after feeding, it could be trapped wind. If it's during feeding, it's most likely pain, either from wind or something like reflux. With regards to the sleeping, the ONLY way that Holly would sleep for the first month is for DH and I to take it in turns staying up all night holding her. It was brutal, I was hallucinating through lack of sleep but there was no other way. Swaddling is fab, although Holly didn't like it when she was that young - all babies are different. x x


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## Divinebeauty

Im with Aliss on this one.

Until you have had a high needs baby , you have nooo room to speak. Not all babies are fussy no matter what you do, or have colic, reflux, hard to pass gas and so on. 

My son was a walk in the park as far as raising he was the most laid back baby hardly made a peep only when he was hungry/tired and even then he would eat be happy or go to sleep anywhere and be happy. No rocking no calming involved he was THAT laid back.

Now Ava.. she is so high maintenance she always needs to be calmed before going to sleep she was a realy really colicky baby in the beginning and like you OP i felt bad for leaving my newborn in the crib to walk away for 5 mins, but I had to I didnt know what else to do I was getting sooo frusterated , I never left her more than 5 mins before I came back took some deep breaths and started over again. Also I could usually handle alot of crying/fussing before I had to even put her down, but of course there does come a time when you need to leave a high needs baby on their own for a few minutes to redirect your own mind!!! 

I do have to say though hun, as the girls have said it does get easier as they get older Ava is 4 months old and I do still have the screaming fits in the evenings but, ive got to know her cues better now that shes older and can usually calm her down alot more so then I could in the beginning weeks. Hang in there, if you need to take a break dont hesitate. Also asking family./friends to help is okay too dont hesitate babies can be frusterating, its not their fault and its not your fault, sometimes all it takes is a bit of a break to come back with a fresh mind and start all over again!!

xox

Sorry about all the negativity you have had on this post... clearly you didn't ask for it! xx


----------



## purplepower

aliss said:


> IMO, the only time it is okay with a newborn is when you are going to blow your top. When you get angry, frustrated, and might do something stupid - then it is 100% okay to leave them to cry in their crib or other safe place. Calm down, breathe, walk, call for help.
> 
> As for doing it regularly because you can't settle them - I would have to say no, I'm afraid. I'm guilty - I did it once at 1 week, left him for over an hour, it was awful and I'll never forget that night. When I finally went to him, I realized he was cold and looking back, his screaming was the result of acid reflux disease. He was in pain.
> 
> *Have you considered acid reflux??? Severe gas pains?*
> 
> I suggest reading Dr Sears Fussy Baby Book and Dr Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block - great ways for dealing with fussy/difficult/refluxy/sick babies.
> 
> You CAN do this. It's the hardest time in your life, the first 6 months with a fussy newborn, but you gotta persevere. Get a good sling, swing, swaddle, whatever it takes Good luck!

When my LO was 1 week old we left him crying in his Moses basket as OH said he needed to get used to it. He cried for about 10 mins about 3 cycles of a whimper up to a wail and back to a whimper again before falling asleep. I was in the shower crying the whole time. I feel so guilty about this now. 

I had read all these stupid books saying you should get your neewborn into a routine and that babies should be put to bed awake and learn to self setttle. All the books did was make me feel like a failure. So now I just go with what my LO wants and needs. He actually has his own kind of routine now and I am able to tell by his cry (not the clock) if he is tired hungry etc. We do have a bedtime routine of bath or change nd breastfeed in the dark and swaddle for bed. This is only because LO hates being up after 7. I feed him either till he falls asleep onee the boob or till he pulls off and turns his head and closes his eyes. He then for a down with no tears. Happy baby and happy mummy. 


I agree with Alisa about the happiest baby on the block. We found some bids on YouTube and it saved our sanity. I bought a second hand swing, a sling we started swaddling. Lo would acream when he was put in the swaddle but would settle as soon as we held him on his side and now he is fine being put in it. 

OP I know its really hard and sometimes it feels like the crying will never stop but it will and your LO just wants to be with his Mummy, he has been with you for the last 9 months, he doesn't have the first idea about independence. You will get through it and the first time your baby looks right at you and smiles (because you are the most important thing in his world) it will all be sooooo worthwhile.


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## 0_o

I feel sorry for op. Looking for advice and getting accused of allsorts. My son was a "high needs" baby... Eventually after lots if trips to the doctors, at 6months they agreed he had reflux! I agree with whoever said until you've had a high needs baby you have no idea! Lol. 

Op. There have been some really helpful posts on here. Ignore the ones that are just being unreasonable, its not worth the worry. I hope you have found some help and maybe something that works for you and your baby. 

Hugs.xx


----------



## stardust599

Kota said:


> Nope, never, not even for a minute. and believe me, I held in wee until my bladder felt like it was going to burst, and when it felt like that, i just took him to the loo with me. A newborn baby should NEVER cry longer then it takes its mother to get from whereever she is, to the baby.
> 
> and if it makes me holier then thou... then pass the halo, but leaving a newborn baby to cry for 4hours, is not living up to your role as a parent. There is something seriously wrong with that child if it is crying for 4hrs straight., and by just leaving them there to cry. well I'm sorry, but thats bordering on neglect. :(


What a disgusting horrible thing to say. The OP did not just "leave" her baby to cry for 4hours. If you bother to read the original post you will see that the OP was trying to soothe her baby. It also does not mean "something seriously wrong with THAT child". My LO cried most of the first 3 or 4 months of her life. She has reflux and colic but it wasn't just that - she was a "high needs" baby as well. She cried once from 10pm to 1pm - 15hours with only a break for a maximum of a minute or two while she caught her breath. There is nothing "seriously wrong" her. I took her to accident and emergency at the end of the 15hours and they moved us to an isolated room on the end of the ward and shut the double doors because the nurses couldn't handle listening to her crying.

It didn't matter whether I held her or left her, she cried just as long and just as hard. Sometimes it got too much and I had to put her down for a minute while I went into another room, plugged my ears, cried, took a few deep breaths and collected myself to go in and try again. You will NEVER understand what it's like until you have a baby like this.


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## Mum2b_Claire

To be fair on Kota - I don't think she meant situations like that, in which we all agree on, it can best to walk away for a few mins.
How would any of her post be aimed at you anyway, you didn't leave your baby to cry for 4 hours? Even if the OP didn't either, it's still a fair opinion to have, that leaving a baby to cry for 4 hours is bordering on neglect, and i happen to agree with her on that.


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## stardust599

The OP never said that she left her newborn to cry for 4hours but that is clearly what Kota is implying - that's she a neglectful parent not living up to her role as a parent who leaves her baby to cry for 4 hours. Nice huh.

And no I never thought her post was aimed at me - I've never left my baby to cry for 4hours and neither has the OP.


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## Farie

I would never ever leave a newborn to cry alone, simple could not comprehend doing it personally
Once LO reached 3 months I'd occasionally leave her grizzling for 5 mins while I popped to the loo, made tea or had a shower at 6 month its still the same. 

Babies cry for a reason, just cos you cant tell what it it doesn't mean they don't need comfort. Unfortunately sometimes they cry even when comforted, usually through medical issues

Thats just my way of doing things tho


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## Farie

Ahh crap .. think I walked into a sh*tstorm :argh:


----------



## 0_o

Farie said:


> Ahh crap .. think I walked into a sh*tstorm :argh:

Lol yeah same here! Just hope the op is ok!? xx


----------



## Mum2b_Claire

stardust599 said:


> The OP never said that she left her newborn to cry for 4hours but that is clearly what Kota is implying - that's she a neglectful parent not living up to her role as a parent who leaves her baby to cry for 4 hours. Nice huh.
> 
> And no I never thought her post was aimed at me - I've never left my baby to cry for 4hours and neither has the OP.

No I don't think Kota was saying that directly to the OP. This thread did seem to move on towards a more general discussion, in which leaving a baby to cry for 4 hours was mentioned. Not everything said in a thread is aimed directly at the OP!! And if the OP didn't leave her baby to cry for 4 hours, then judgements regarding doing that are not going to apply to her or affect her, now, are they? If someone said I was neglectful for leaving Ruby to cry, I wouldn't be offended, I would be like 'oh you got your wires crossed mate, because I haven't done that'. and move on.


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## jessica716

My LO crys when put down even if in a deep sleep, he hates being put down and will cry when hes away from me...

We now co-sleep and in the day i carry him in a sling... now at 8 weeks hes starting to get a bit of independance and will go in his bouncer for 20 mins and will quite happily lie down on play gym for a good 30 mins or so..i bought a swing the other day and he fell asleep in it for an hour!!

It'll pass and it'll get better...but IMO your LO needs you at the moment, make the most of it because at some point your LO won't want all them cuddles!!


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## tina3747

Really?! Is this thread still going on! Bet the poor women wished shed never asked!!!


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## BethK

We never let her cry it out so young. It was always something. Food, nappy, wind, too hot, too cold, too loud, not wanting to be fussed, wanting cuddles.

At night swaddling tight helped loads.


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## silver_penny

Don't think the OP has been on again since her last post :nope: 

Hope everything is going alright for her and we didn't scare her away! :hugs: :flower:


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## MustangGTgirl

Newborn babies cry for a reason, they don't just cry just to cry. I would never ever let my baby sit there and cry for any reason... I don't think it is very healthy for them.

All it does is teaches them that when they need something and cry, nobody will be there to help them... it shouldn't be that way at all.


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## Jchihuahua

Daisy is 18 months and has never cried it out.


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## MustangGTgirl

Jchihuahua said:


> Daisy is 18 months and has never cried it out.

Heh my kids are 9 and 3 and have never cried it out :)


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## Rhiannon

i have to give my bit...cant resist..

1. i dont think there is anything wrong with leaving your baby (newborn or otherwise) to cry for a few mins while you make bottles or go for a wee (essential things otherwise).

2. i have been in the position myself with rhys being 8 weeks old where i did CC / CIO with him for my own sanity. i dont feel that i need to explain myself so i wont.

3. some babies just cannot be settled for whatever reason, not ever baby will settle when patted, shushed, cuddled, carried, fed or swaddled. dont get me wrong...some do, but it isnt a failsafe rule.

4. i do believe that leaving a warm,fed,dry,clean,loved baby to cry for 10 mins while you gather yourself is ok.

5. just because a baby is left to cry does not mean it isnt a very loved baby.

6. just because a parent practices CIO / CC doesnt mean that they sitting downstairs ignoring cries. they are probably sitting at the top of the stairs outside LOs door, very upset themselves. it is something they are doing for a reason, not because they 'cant be bothered' to see to baby.

7. when i have another baby, i will feel better if i need to leave my LO to cry, for whatever reason i have. i will not be made to feel guilty and i dont believe that anyone else should be made to feel that way either. i was made to feel guilty for every 'bad' choice i made for rhys and refuse to feel guilty over my own informed parenting choices.

8. my child is a happy healthy little boy who smiles and loves to laugh and play. he is not damaged at all and is very loving and independant, but also loves to come and have a kiss and cuddle when he feels the need.



anyway....


----------



## LittleBoo

rhiannon said:


> i have to give my bit...cant resist..
> 
> 1. i dont think there is anything wrong with leaving your baby (newborn or otherwise) to cry for a few mins while you make bottles or go for a wee (essential things otherwise).
> 
> 2. i have been in the position myself with rhys being 8 weeks old where i did CC / CIO with him for my own sanity. i dont feel that i need to explain myself so i wont.
> 
> 3. some babies just cannot be settled for whatever reason, not ever baby will settle when patted, shushed, cuddled, carried, fed or swaddled. dont get me wrong...some do, but it isnt a failsafe rule.
> 
> 4. i do believe that leaving a warm,fed,dry,clean,loved baby to cry for 10 mins while you gather yourself is ok.
> 
> 5. just because a baby is left to cry does not mean it isnt a very loved baby.
> 
> 6. just because a parent practices CIO / CC doesnt mean that they sitting downstairs ignoring cries. they are probably sitting at the top of the stairs outside LOs door, very upset themselves. it is something they are doing for a reason, not because they 'cant be bothered' to see to baby.
> 
> 7. when i have another baby, i will feel better if i need to leave my LO to cry, for whatever reason i have. i will not be made to feel guilty and i dont believe that anyone else should be made to feel that way either. i was made to feel guilty for every 'bad' choice i made for rhys and refuse to feel guilty over my own informed parenting choices.
> 
> 8. my child is a happy healthy little boy who smiles and loves to laugh and play. he is not damaged at all and is very loving and independant, but also loves to come and have a kiss and cuddle when he feels the need.
> 
> 
> 
> anyway....

Agree 100%

It's really irritated me to know people assume that when people CIO they just ignore the baby and feel nothing. Not true, it's hard, very very hard to do. But I feel it was best for both of us.


----------



## Crannog

I've never had to leave my baby to CIO. I've been lucky.


----------



## Luvmysunshine

Just wondering what everyone does while driving and baby is screaming. Or if you have more than one LO and simply cannot be in two places at once? I think it's ok for LO to cry for a little while, while I'm tending to my other son or if I have to use the bathroom. I'd never leave him to cry for a long period of time but a little amount of crying is ok when necessary. I've been driving when I couldn't tend to him and he cried until we reached our destination. It's hard to be everything to everyone all at once. He needed to be safe in his seat while I drove.


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## Palestrina

Only read a few pages at the start and end of this thread so sorry if someone has already mentioned this suggestion. I have a 3wk old newborn and I found the book *The Happiest Baby on the Block* to do wonders for helping to calm my little one. My husband is in awe of how I settle our baby in 5min flat while he spends an hour walking and rocking and singing to the baby to no avail. Just a little swaddle, turn him on his side, a little vigorous swinging and some loud shhhhing puts him right to sleep :)


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## Luvmysunshine

I used that method with my other son. Worked great. Don't really need it with this baby. He quiets so easily. Great suggestion.


----------



## aliss

Palestrina said:


> Only read a few pages at the start and end of this thread so sorry if someone has already mentioned this suggestion. I have a 3wk old newborn and I found the book *The Happiest Baby on the Block* to do wonders for helping to calm my little one. My husband is in awe of how I settle our baby in 5min flat while he spends an hour walking and rocking and singing to the baby to no avail. Just a little swaddle, turn him on his side, a little vigorous swinging and some loud shhhhing puts him right to sleep :)

So glad you found it! That book saved our life at 6 weeks!


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## meow951

I never leave my LO to properly cry unless i have tried feeding, changing, winding, cuddling etc and nothing is working and i just need 5 minutes out of the room to gather my self together before heading back in!

If i've tried everything i just cuddle him because at least i'm doing something :haha:

Just wanted to say mine cried loads as the beginning for hours on end but it does get easier and he's already way better. So there is light at the end of the tunnel!


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## MrsBandEgglet

I haven't read all this thread but with my son I never even got to the stage of having to even consider crying it out this time round it's been such a contentious issue in this household because my husband thinks if she has been fed, winded and has a clean bum she should be left her to cry. The longest I think I made it to was 12 agonising minutes. No, I won't leave her to CIO but honestly I do understand how you can get to the point of thinking it's the only solution though. The last few weeks i have been tearing my hair out and crying almost as much as LO lol. I sit upstairs with her when she cries because she's so tired, i'll often leave the room for a couple of minutes when it gets really bad, I'll sing to her and I'll soothe her as best I can but I'll try not to pick her up if I can. I know some people can do it, my husband evidently being one of them given half the chance, but I can't, doesn't mean I love her any more than he does though.

:hugs::hugs: xx


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## sjminimac

charlie is 10 months old and has sttn maybe a dozen times, at worst waking every 45 mins to an hour for weeks on end, but i STILL would never ever let him CIO. And i know what true sleep deprivation feels like, but its such a short period of time i can cope with feeling like that because i can guarantee its nowhere near as bad as how charlie would feel if i left him in a dark room to cry himself to sleep.


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## RDC24

rhiannon said:


> i have to give my bit...cant resist..
> 
> 1. i dont think there is anything wrong with leaving your baby (newborn or otherwise) to cry for a few mins while you make bottles or go for a wee (essential things otherwise).
> 
> 2. i have been in the position myself with rhys being 8 weeks old where i did CC / CIO with him for my own sanity. i dont feel that i need to explain myself so i wont.
> 
> 3. some babies just cannot be settled for whatever reason, not ever baby will settle when patted, shushed, cuddled, carried, fed or swaddled. dont get me wrong...some do, but it isnt a failsafe rule.
> 
> 4. i do believe that leaving a warm,fed,dry,clean,loved baby to cry for 10 mins while you gather yourself is ok.
> 
> 5. just because a baby is left to cry does not mean it isnt a very loved baby.
> 
> 6. just because a parent practices CIO / CC doesnt mean that they sitting downstairs ignoring cries. they are probably sitting at the top of the stairs outside LOs door, very upset themselves. it is something they are doing for a reason, not because they 'cant be bothered' to see to baby.
> 
> 7. when i have another baby, i will feel better if i need to leave my LO to cry, for whatever reason i have. i will not be made to feel guilty and i dont believe that anyone else should be made to feel that way either. i was made to feel guilty for every 'bad' choice i made for rhys and refuse to feel guilty over my own informed parenting choices.
> 
> 8. my child is a happy healthy little boy who smiles and loves to laugh and play. he is not damaged at all and is very loving and independant, but also loves to come and have a kiss and cuddle when he feels the need.
> 
> 
> 
> anyway....


Very well said.

My LO was one who wouldn't settle by being shushed, patted, etc. It was tough.

You're right - parents who use CIO/CC are doing it for a reason, and it is very stressful/hard for them to do. I'm sure most cry along with their baby.


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## Kota

Mum2b_Claire said:


> stardust599 said:
> 
> 
> The OP never said that she left her newborn to cry for 4hours but that is clearly what Kota is implying - that's she a neglectful parent not living up to her role as a parent who leaves her baby to cry for 4 hours. Nice huh.
> 
> And no I never thought her post was aimed at me - I've never left my baby to cry for 4hours and neither has the OP.
> 
> No I don't think Kota was saying that directly to the OP. This thread did seem to move on towards a more general discussion, in which leaving a baby to cry for 4 hours was mentioned. Not everything said in a thread is aimed directly at the OP!! And if the OP didn't leave her baby to cry for 4 hours, then judgements regarding doing that are not going to apply to her or affect her, now, are they? If someone said I was neglectful for leaving Ruby to cry, I wouldn't be offended, I would be like 'oh you got your wires crossed mate, because I haven't done that'. and move on.Click to expand...


Thank you Claire, :hugs:

No, it was not aimed at the OP, so sorry OP if that was the way it came across, it was aimed at the general way the discussion was headed, 

I stand by my post though, Yes, if you are in danger of hurting your baby, then it is obviously best to walk away, I would have thought that was common sense enough not to have to write it out, but otherwise, a newborn baby should only ever cry (alone) for as long as it takes for you to walk across and pick them, up,

And for all those saying back to me that 'I'd never know until I had a high needs child'. You have no idea how high needs my baby was, how high needs my toddler still is, or how bad his sleeping has always been, and still is. But thats okay, its part and parcel of being a mum and I'll have broken sleep for however many days/months/years it takes for him to sleep through without ever having to resort to CIO/CC. 

OP - I hope you've been able to get some good info from this thread, I apologise if my original post wasn't one of those, I must admit, the thread title itself gave me a lump in my throat. :nope:


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## Lena

I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!


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## louandivy

Lena said:


> I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!

Do you remember the desperation and feeling out being out of depth in the first weeks of being a mum? I'm sure that is what the OP is feeling right now, so how unbelievably insensitive of you to come in with such a rude tone.There are nice ways to to word things without making someone feel like complete crap when they are already exhausted and upset.


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## Lina

Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.


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## ~RedLily~

Lina said:


> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.

We've still been through it all whether it be 1 month ago or 6 so it's not like we don't understand


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## MustangGTgirl

Lina said:


> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.

So I guess our "older children" were never babies at one time? You make no sense.


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## MustangGTgirl

louandivy said:


> Lena said:
> 
> 
> I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!
> 
> Do you remember the desperation and feeling out being out of depth in the first weeks of being a mum? I'm sure that is what the OP is feeling right now, so how unbelievably insensitive of you to come in with such a rude tone.There are nice ways to to word things without making someone feel like complete crap when they are already exhausted and upset.Click to expand...

I don't think she had a rude tone... everything she said was right on and I didn't find it rude at all.


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## mommyof3co

I haven't read this entire post because, well it's insanely long and with a 5wk old (and 3 older boys) I don't have time lol. 

BUT I personally don't agree with allowing a newborn to CIO, ever. I completely understand some babies don't just calm down with some holding, cuddling, patting...whatever..but I do think that if those things aren't working they should at least be held and comforted while they cry, not just left on their own to cry. If you need to walk away for a minute to get yourself together that's different and you should do that. I have had a VERY high needs baby, my 2nd, who wouldn't let anyone, even daddy touch him until he was 7mo old. You would have thought the child was being beaten or something if Mark tried to comfort him when he was upset. Even after 7mo he was still like that most of the time but finally warmed up to Daddy, but no one else for a long time. And at the time I had a 2yr old to deal with too. Yes it was very tough, but he was never left to cry longer than it took for me to get to him. Even now with 4 kids the baby isn't ever left to cry, older kids have to wait or my dinner has to wait or whatever it is but we always go right to him when he cries. My 6yr old (the one that was very high needs actually) absolutely can not stand it when he cries at all, like he has got to try everything possible to help him, it's really sweet. I hope he carries that into when he has kids too...the others as well, all of them are quick to jump to the baby if he cries.


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## Lena

MustangGTgirl said:


> louandivy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lena said:
> 
> 
> I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!
> 
> Do you remember the desperation and feeling out being out of depth in the first weeks of being a mum? I'm sure that is what the OP is feeling right now, so how unbelievably insensitive of you to come in with such a rude tone.There are nice ways to to word things without making someone feel like complete crap when they are already exhausted and upset.Click to expand...
> 
> I don't think she had a rude tone... everything she said was right on and I didn't find it rude at all.Click to expand...

Yes I remember full well what it feels like. I am still very much going through it as LO still doesnt sleep through the night. Sometimes he wakes once, sometimes 6 times, but he NEVER sleeps through. I will ALWAYS be there for him, even if i dont get a decent nights sleep til he's 18. It really saddens me to think of all these poor, scared, innocent babies being left to cry until they're totally exhausted and their throats red raw from screaming. Then they only stop because they know no one is coming. It really does make me want to cry. I guess im just standing up for the babies who cant talk. Perhaps I spoke in an insensitive way? So sue me if i upset people, I am upset thinking of these poor babies.


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## Pramaholic86

I'd love to know how the OP is getting on though I doubt she'll be back :(


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## ShanandBoc

Wow after reading all this thread i think ill keep my opinion out of it but just wondering if OP would like to maybe PM me or one of the other ladies and let us know how she is going? She may not feel comfortable coming back on this thread now.

Being a mum (and esp the first time round) is hard work. We dont always know what to do, most of us wing it and follow our instincts, they dont , unfortunately, come with an instruction manual :)


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## Wobbles

Lena there is seriously no need to be so aggressive! 

I'm not sure I have seen any reply on this thread that shows a mother has left a child until their throat is red raw (feel free to correct me). Instinct isn't always right in the long term but turning to other parents alike when in doubt seems to be a bad idea too when spoke 'at' like you (and others) have done (and you having no idea of the mothers health). Remembering not all Mums/Moms share the same parenting styles/ways but a little friendly guidance seems to be forgotten these days.

Not sure the OP or any of the replies show that anyone is or wanting to neglect their baby/child.

I do hope the member returns to the more friendly advise and experiences shared by others and manages to avoid the rude responses!


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## Lina

~RedLily~ said:


> Lina said:
> 
> 
> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.
> 
> We've still been through it all whether it be 1 month ago or 6 so it's not like we don't understandClick to expand...



It is not a case of having been through it, rather are you now going through it? Just maybe you might have been a bit more sympathetic. It is far easier to judge when you are an outsider to a situation. No one said they left their babies to cry till they passed out. The OP was looking for some support not to be hounded for having left her baby to cry for some minutes. By the sound of things some people's children have never let out a peep because they are carried,swaddled,comforted 24/7, even whilst on the toilet in the shower and asleep.


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## MizzDeeDee

Lina said:


> ~RedLily~ said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lina said:
> 
> 
> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.
> 
> We've still been through it all whether it be 1 month ago or 6 so it's not like we don't understandClick to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> It is not a case of having been through it, rather are you now going through it? Just maybe you might have been a bit more sympathetic. It is far easier to judge when you are an outsider to a situation. No one said they left their babies to cry till they passed out. The OP was looking for some support not to be hounded for having left her baby to cry for some minutes. By the sound of things some people's children have never let out a peep because they are carried,swaddled,comforted 24/7, even whilst on the toilet in the shower and asleep.Click to expand...

Well, I am still going through it and I don't CIO. Placing LO in the crib while you go pee isn't crying it out- but leaving them in their crib to self soothe on their own is. Clearly there is a difference. 

BTW.....Someone brought up LO crying while driving and what to do if you don't believe in CIO. I had this a few times and in fact yesterday.......you stop the car if you can and attend to your baby. 

Corrine was screaming in the car seat on the way home yesterday. I knew she wouldn't stop because she is needy and doesn't self soothe. We found a place to pull over, I took her out of the seat and bf her in the front seat. She fed frantically for a few minutes and then literally passed out. 

She wasn't hungry, it was a comfort feeding. I could have left her crying and she MIGHT have passed out eventually...but she needed me because she was upset and I didn't want her to suffer alone. 

I don't think CIO parents are horrible unfit parents- I just think it is a style of parenting that I couldn't do. That's just me personally.


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## LockandKey

I'm sure this has been said at least a hundred times already, but a newborn shouldn't be left to cry it out because they don't yet know that they can be spoiled, and when they cry they actually need something. That being said, I have left my LO to cry, but only because I had to use the bathroom and couldn't hold it


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## jackiea85

A few people have asked how to get things done with more that one child. That's not the same as CIO though, CIO is sleep training and not responding to baby out of choice. I'm potty training my 2 year old and if he needs the potty he needs it NOW. Unfortunately in situations like that I have no choice other than to leave my baby to cry for a couple of mins, but that doesn't happen too often. Generally with other things I can convince my toddler to wait for things and I get bottles/some cleaning done with my baby in a baby carrier. Believe me, my life is far from perfect! My first 2 months with Toby were a lot harder than my first 2 months with Joseph! He wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me, I had to carry him a baby carrier all day and hold him all night! He has calmed down now fortunately x


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## blinkybaby

Lena said:


> MustangGTgirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> louandivy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Lena said:
> 
> 
> I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!
> 
> Do you remember the desperation and feeling out being out of depth in the first weeks of being a mum? I'm sure that is what the OP is feeling right now, so how unbelievably insensitive of you to come in with such a rude tone.There are nice ways to to word things without making someone feel like complete crap when they are already exhausted and upset.Click to expand...
> 
> I don't think she had a rude tone... everything she said was right on and I didn't find it rude at all.Click to expand...
> 
> Yes I remember full well what it feels like. I am still very much going through it as LO still doesnt sleep through the night. Sometimes he wakes once, sometimes 6 times, but he NEVER sleeps through. I will ALWAYS be there for him, even if i dont get a decent nights sleep til he's 18. It really saddens me to think of all these poor, scared, innocent babies being left to cry until they're totally exhausted and their throats red raw from screaming. Then they only stop because they know no one is coming. It really does make me want to cry. I guess im just standing up for the babies who cant talk. Perhaps I spoke in an insensitive way? So sue me if i upset people, *I am upset thinking of these poor babies.*Click to expand...

Who's left their baby to cry until their throats are red raw on this thread?! Correct me if I'm wrong because this thread is very long but I don't think ANYONE has said they do this, especially not the OP and reading your post, it does feel like it is directed at her?

Most people are saying they do not practice CIO and the ones who say they have done have done it with heavy hearts and as a last resort.


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## sjminimac

sjminimac said:


> charlie is 10 months old and has sttn maybe a dozen times, at worst waking every 45 mins to an hour for weeks on end, but i STILL would never ever let him CIO. And i know what true sleep deprivation feels like, but its such a short period of time i can cope with feeling like that because i can guarantee its nowhere near as bad as how charlie would feel if i left him in a dark room to cry himself to sleep.




Lina said:


> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.

I'll refer you back to my original post, i have not slept longer than 4 hours at a time (if i'm lucky) since before my son was born which is almost a year ago, my experience/desperation/sleep deprivation is not irrelevant or diminished because my son is no longer a newborn - quite the opposite in fact. No one has said we have perfect lives so please don't be so rude or dismissive.


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## Mum2b_Claire

Oh to have a perfect life! It's not unusual for my 2 year old to wake 2-3 times a night.


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## KatieB

As per usual this thread has turned into a mud slinging contest. Has anyone noticed the OP hasn't responded or seemingly been on this thread again?? Let's hope she's managing OK, she came on here looking for support and advice, nowhere did she say she was going to leave her baby crying for 4 hours. She must be feeling really shitty now... is that a result?? Let's hope she's not suffering from PND.


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## KittyVentura

Lena said:


> I havent read this entire thread but why on earth do women feel the need to ignore every instinct in their body which is telling you to go help and comfort your baby? Why do mums expect so much of their LO's who are only a few weeks/months old. *Your sleep will be crap for at least 6 months* (a year in my case), your LO WILL cry and whinge A LOT, they will need feeding/comfort/cuddles in the middle of the night... but this is what you signed up for when you decided to be a mother!

That's just not true. The OP is a new mother and overwhelmed. There are LOTS of other new mothers who have/will read this thread. It is categorically NOT a given that sleep will be crap for at least 6 months. 

My son STTN from 8 weeks. No sleep training involved. Yes, I KNOW I am very lucky. I know PLENTY of other mothers who have babies that STTN from well before 6 months as well (same as I know plenty who have babies 6 months+ who do not yet STTN). Of course I don't base my understanding of all babies on my own and assume that ALL will do the same. Some do though. It's luck of the draw. 

If I were a new and sleep depreived mum I'd feel like there was no hope if I had read this.



Lina said:


> Most insensitive comments have come from those whose children are much older than the original poster of this thread. Unless, you have a baby under 6months, particularly under 2months stay the feck out of this thread with your perfect lives.

Wow. This is SO very rude. 

Firstly I know MANY of mothers who have babies well over 6 months old who are JUST as sleep deprived as those with newborns, if not more. 

Also we can ALL remember what it was like having a newborn and how we felt. Advice is valid from those with older babies on a newborn topic. Perhaps eve more so than those with babies the same age as we have the wonder of hindsight.

The insinuation that everyone with an older baby has a perfect life is laughable.

Generalisations are awful things

xx


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## Arcanegirl

I think this thread is past its best now and no long constructive to the OP who i believe hasnt been back.


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