# funny/ embarrasing labour stories



## 17mummytobee

Hey just wondered if any of you had any funny or embarrasing moments in your labour? 
I'm feeling a bit down and could do with a laugh :) xx


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## Hannah

When I went into labour I was really controlled until it came to the emergency section, then I was quite hysterical, the anaesthetist had really bad breath and was right in my face explaining things to me and in my drugged up hysterical state I thought I whispered to my DH "get her away from me, she f***ing stinks" but I actually shouted it at the top of my lungs over and over again apparently, oops!!!


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## Samantha675

The one thing that kinda cracks me now. I was laboring hard (5 minute long contractions with very little down time) and after a few hours of this decided to transfer to hospital (planned homebirth). Once we were all pack and I was dressed. I was standing in the bedroom with my MW in the middle of a contraction and she stops and wants to wash my sheets because there was a bit of blood on them. I could barely speak but managed to say " no. Cheap. Target. $20.". I mean really like a bit blood on my bedding is the one thing I care about in that moment.


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## NIfirsttimer

i had a natural birth in the birthing centre attached to my local maternity unit, it was all very calm and serene in the early stages, i floated around the pool, progressing slowly but nicely, when suddenly all hell broke loose. Id just been checked about 25 mins before and was 4/5 cm, so we were expecting things to be a while yet... Suddenly i REALLY needed to push, midwife was telling me that it was way too early to be baby, and that perhaps i needed to use the toilet... i was sure it wasnt that, but agreed to try anyway, so got out of the pool and onto the loo. while there, transition hit, and i suddenly got SOOO hot, the student midwife ran off to fetch some ice cubes for DH to rub on my forehead etc, but when she arrived with them i grabbed a handful and shoved them into my mouth, suddenly, a HUGE contraction hit me, and i needed the G&A but had a mouthful of ice, so i spat the ice all over the floor :-o
there i was, sat on the toilet, naked, dripping wet, mooing like a cow, and spitting on the floor.. oh the shame!
turns out i went from 4/5cm to 10cm in less than a hour, and my daughter was born very soon after this!

there was also a little moment when i was pushing when i really wanted to inflict some pain on my DH, so i grabbed 'his' arm and dug my nails in as hard as a could, only to feel the arm whipped away, i opened my eyes to find that id actually injured the student midwife, and left 4 huge cuts in her arm from my nails!!

lol also just remembered that at one point the midwife made me get out of the pool to check progress, and i really didnt want to... later on, in the midst of the transition drama i said 'IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRRY I CALLED U A BITTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHH' and she said 'noo u didnt, its ok' and i told her that i did, she was just out of the room at the time lol


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## brunette&bubs

i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
:haha:


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## Fallen Ambers

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

This actually made me bust out laughing out loud!! Thanks for sharing!! :flower:


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## Jaimie2Eyes

These are great - keep 'em coming ladies!


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## proudmumgoth

On the way To hospital in hard labour leaning out the window
Shouting at cars get out the way I'm having a baby then
crying cos did not have time for a macDonalds


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## JeepGirl

proudmumgoth said:


> On the way To hospital in hard labour leaning out the window
> Shouting at cars get out the way I'm having a baby then
> crying cos did not have time for a macDonalds

Haha I was doing the samething and I was so hot, so I had the window all the way down and it was snowing. The snow was pouring into the car and OH was shivering:haha:

Also in the admitting office I was having strong contractions, I was bent over the chair moaning while OH gave the clerk my info. All I remember about it was the clerk saying "thank god she is pre registered". After they had me registered there was an elevator in the admitting office that took you right to labour and delivery. OH and I get in, the door closes and OH says what floor is L&D? I say "ask her"...there was no one else in the elevator with us!


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## KatelynsMummy

When i was first being examined in hospital, she pulled the covers back and out came a water bottle, she asked what else I had hiding up there :rofl:

I swear it was next to my leg, I was addicted to water when pregnant <3


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## amandad192

I had diarrhoea and my OH had to support me as I squat over a little cardboard sick thingy on a chair. It stunk really bad too.


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## tristansmum

i had a spinal block for my emergency c section. i was shattered after being awake for 36 hours, established labour for 14 hours, pethadine and gas & air. I felt my leg with my hand which was weird cause i couldn't feel my hand on my leg at all... was like touching someone else's leg. i loudly abbounced to the 10+ people in thearte that "my leg feels like a sausage!". It was such a random thing to say and 9 months later my hubby still is laughing about it


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## katy1310

I'm loving reading these :coffee: I needed a good laugh!

I didn't have labour as I had an emergency section at 27 weeks so I don't really have much of a story - but I do remember asking DH constantly if he was sure that my legs were not in the air when I was lying on the operating table, because I really really felt like they were! Then when they rolled me off the operating table back onto the bed, I got the giggles, for some reason - I have no idea why, and it was highly inappropriate really considering how premature Sophie was and what a traumatic time I'd just been through with her!

xx


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## JeepGirl

katy1310 said:



> I'm loving reading these :coffee: I needed a good laugh!
> 
> I didn't have labour as I had an emergency section at 27 weeks so I don't really have much of a story - but I do remember asking DH constantly if he was sure that my legs were not in the air when I was lying on the operating table, because I really really felt like they were! xx

I asked OH if my legs were falling off the operating table:haha: He looked at me like I was crazy.


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## 2RockinBoys

:happydance:
Here's a story to keep you smiling!
Gas and Air had a perculiar effect on me. A case of 'Talking with no control'. I was very aware of what i was saying, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it!! It was the following...

"We have to put the flavour in the bubble gum"

"All the celebrities have fruit for faces"

Midwife-"You need to push
Me-"I cant"
Midwife-"Why not?"
Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
(And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)

Also, after having Auron, being so tired with the long intence labour i passed out (i remember having him put on me and staring at him, next thing i knew it was 4hours later...) Anywho, the midwife came in and started talking to me, to be told by my partner that i was actually asleep as my eye's were partially open :dohh:


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## tiger

i have a few :haha: 
after ringing the hospital having contractions and them telling me i wasnt in labour i decided to go to my gp instead, found out i was 3cm dialated, went to the hospital and this stupid student nurse said to me 'we dont believe that its labour, but we cant check your cervix if you wish' ... my reply "yes i wish you would hurry the hell up as this is a little painful'.
after sucking on the gas and air i got very high and tried to have sex with my OH (while the nurse was there :blush: and started crying when he wouldnt give it to me :rofl: )

when i was pushing i had one leg up on OH and one up on my sister and the dr came in and said 'right lets have a baby", to which my OH and sister looked at each other and said 'HIGH 5" (in that stupid borat voice and high five'd) so i kicked them both and yelled at the doctor for instigating them :blush:


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## SIEGAL

I thought I was having braxton hicks but I had an OB appointment so I figured he would let me know. In the car ride there the pains got serious that I started freaking out when I got to the elevator. I walked into the office (and of course - office was full of like 10 woman and men waiting) and just starting crying and hyperventilating to the receptionist that I thought I was in labor. She told me to sit for like a minute and I was just like uncontrollably crying - I was so embarrassed. My husband said everyone in the office was staring at me and all the pregnant woman looked terrified. The crying turned to screaming by the time the dr. examined me and I was indeed 6 cm dilated. I made such a scene.


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## cool . sweets

Wow, these were really good laughs ! Thanks for sharing. I haven`t a funny birth story as this is my first. Lol, reading your stories makes me think of how I`m gonna act when it`s my turn to birth!


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## mummykcc

The one thing i found embarassing was being told to wait in this little waiting room before they would take me in to check my progress (being my 1st they assumed it'd be a long labour). I had a huge contraction and my waters just gushed all over the floor....i was mortified-asked my husband to clean it up and he just kept telling me not to worry and someone else will deal with it as we need to go to the labour room! I kept on about mopping it up for ages after lol. 

(oh and no it wasn't a long labour-i almost didn't get to the room to give birth in!)


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## embojet

I had an emergency section at 29 weeks so didnt go through labour. But I was catheterised for a few days before having Molly as they needed to measure mt urine output. before that, I had to pee in a cup and show the midwives how much I'd done. I wondered back to the ward from the toilet with my cup, and proudly announced to the midwife (who had her back to me) 'look how much I've done!', holding out my cup. The midwife turned around, and it turns out it wasn't a midwife. It was someone's nan dressed similar to the midwife, who was there for visiting hours!


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## jess1983

Okay My daughter is looking at me like I am crazy because I have been laughing out loud reading this thread.

Well here it goes. I had only been at the hospital 2 hours and the nurse had just checked me and I was a 5 and feeling great. About 15 minutes later, I started feeling really bad and screaming that I needed to push. I was really upset and screaming at everyone the nurse finally came in and said that it hadn't been long enough and she wasn't going to check me. I guess I looked at my husband right in front of her and said "This nurse is the stupidest b**** ever". Well I guess she looked horrified and decided to check me and my water exploded on her arm and I looked at my husband and said she deserved that (oops). She said I was a ten and the baby was coming out, but she told me not to push because my midwife wasn't there. so I was screaming " How am I not supposed to push" and my midwife walks in. Well I pushed once and her head popped out and I started screaming to my midwife "PUT HER BACK IN" It hurts so bad please just put her back in. Well obviously she didn't but my husband still laughs about it every time he thinks about it.


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## Jaimie2Eyes

jess1983 said:


> "PUT HER BACK IN"

That may be the best line yet! :thumbup:


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## JoyFul87

These stories are the best..I'm laughing so hard, can't wait to have some of my own.


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## tiger

jess1983 said:


> Okay My daughter is looking at me like I am crazy because I have been laughing out loud reading this thread.
> 
> Well here it goes. I had only been at the hospital 2 hours and the nurse had just checked me and I was a 5 and feeling great. About 15 minutes later, I started feeling really bad and screaming that I needed to push. I was really upset and screaming at everyone the nurse finally came in and said that it hadn't been long enough and she wasn't going to check me. I guess I looked at my husband right in front of her and said "This nurse is the stupidest b**** ever". Well I guess she looked horrified and decided to check me and my water exploded on her arm and I looked at my husband and said she deserved that (oops). She said I was a ten and the baby was coming out, but she told me not to push because my midwife wasn't there. so I was screaming " How am I not supposed to push" and my midwife walks in. Well I pushed once and her head popped out and I started screaming to my midwife "PUT HER BACK IN" It hurts so bad please just put her back in. Well obviously she didn't but my husband still laughs about it every time he thinks about it.

oh my i think i nearly just pee'd myself lol ! 
i remember telling my nurse she was an insensitive bitch because she didnt turn the gas up for me :blush: whoops


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## jess1983

hehehe I am glad I could give you guys a laugh. My husband still cracks up when we talk about ttc again. He's like I hope it is as fun as last time lol. I love reading these and hope everyone keeps it going.


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## jess1983

tiger said:


> jess1983 said:
> 
> 
> Okay My daughter is looking at me like I am crazy because I have been laughing out loud reading this thread.
> 
> Well here it goes. I had only been at the hospital 2 hours and the nurse had just checked me and I was a 5 and feeling great. About 15 minutes later, I started feeling really bad and screaming that I needed to push. I was really upset and screaming at everyone the nurse finally came in and said that it hadn't been long enough and she wasn't going to check me. I guess I looked at my husband right in front of her and said "This nurse is the stupidest b**** ever". Well I guess she looked horrified and decided to check me and my water exploded on her arm and I looked at my husband and said she deserved that (oops). She said I was a ten and the baby was coming out, but she told me not to push because my midwife wasn't there. so I was screaming " How am I not supposed to push" and my midwife walks in. Well I pushed once and her head popped out and I started screaming to my midwife "PUT HER BACK IN" It hurts so bad please just put her back in. Well obviously she didn't but my husband still laughs about it every time he thinks about it.
> 
> oh my i think i nearly just pee'd myself lol !
> i remember telling my nurse she was an insensitive bitch because she didnt turn the gas up for me :blush: whoopsClick to expand...

Oh the things we say. LOL :happydance:


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## Lollypod

Not that funny but I had gas and air and my OH tells me I started talking in an Irish accent to all the midwives but I'm English?! :dohh: Random! :haha:


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## TTC86JMS

these stories are really sensational i like the one about the sausage legs and put her back in the best.
i really laughed out loud


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## Cleo

This thread is awesome! :rofl:

During our childbirth classes I remember turning my nose up at the videos of the women giving birth bc I thought they all sounding like dying animals and was that really necessary? I know, I know...how naive!

Fast forward to my labour, after getting a little high off of gas and air, I very dejectedly announced that "I sound just like the women on the videos! I'm a stuck pig!" DH and our nurse had quite a good laugh!


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## LaraJJ

This is the funniest thread I've read for ages!! Thanks for sharing everyone :)


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## amerikiwi

These are great!

The funniest memory I have is that my Father in Law was alone in the waiting room for most of the night but stuck his head in the room to check on everyone right as my DD was crowning. At a loss for words in the situation he timidly asked "anyone want a cup of tea?" and then ran back out.


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## littlelady23

this is my mums funny story when she was having me. 

she had a really difficult labour, and at one point the midwife put on a tape with songs from different adverts on it, and told her to relax and concentrate on the music to see if she could remember any of the adverts the songs were from. 
about 20 hours later, still in labour and with a changeover of midwives, my mum randomly screamed "HOVIS! ITS HOVIS!!" she said the looks on the midwives faces was priceless, they'd had no clue she'd been listening to that tape earlier. but that she was delighted she had remembered the advert lol!


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## pester

Thanks so much for shareing! Heading into my first labor its good to know that even in labor humor can be found!


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## ferens06

Haha had a good laugh at these. I've never been pregnant so I can't share, but I laughed for some time at the sausage leg!x


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## xpensivtaste

its 6 am and OH is fast a sleep but i am chuckling away making the bed shake. these are great.....my stories dont really match up but just for laughs i'll write about them anyway....

whilst in labour with my daughter i was checked to see if my waters had broken, the midwife said "well your waters havnt gone.....yet"....before she got the word "yet" out my waters exploded all over her like a tidal wave which gave my mum and i something to laugh about, much to her expense....my mum is a bit of a gas and air addict and when ever the midwife was out of the room she would take it and start puffing on it, the midwife would come back in and say "M, have you been on the G and A again???" she'd say no but it came out in a really distorted deep voice so she would start laughing uncontrollably. 
she also did this when my sister in law went for a c section. my brother and i went out for a cuppa and came back.....she jumped and looked like she was hiding something. when she realised it was us she burst out laughing and began puffing on it again...she is TERRIBLE. notorious for this as she is well known at our local hospital being a mother of 7 and grandmother of 3. DOH! she insists she only likes being pregnant for the gas and air.


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## Linzi

I remember getting into the hospital and hearing this woman SCREAMING down the corridor, honestly like she was being killed or something it was horrible :/ I was 21, first baby, in labour, terrified... and this woman down the corridor was screaming :rofl: I said to my husband "I can't do this, listen to her she's in so much pain, I can't do this" etcetc and my husband was reassuring me. The midwife came & gave me my pethedine and the woman started screaming again, my husband was saying "are you ok? just try and block it out, she's probably over dramatic", I said (in my drug induced state) "it's ok, I think she's just watching a really scary film, like Jurrasic Park or something" :rofl: :dohh:

Then when I was pushing, I made a bit of noise but not when I was actually pushing it was like afterwards... the midwife kept saying "don't make too much noise just concentrate on what you're doing" I gave her a bit of a mouthfull which involved "have you ever given birth? Shut the f**k up, get her out of here" etc etc and tried to kick her in the face :dohh::dohh:

xxx


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## TeresaG

When I was having my daughter last year I got cramp in my leg right at the pushing stage. It hurt so much and I shouted at the midwife because she wouldn't let me stand up to try and get rid of it. She started massaging my leg which just annoyed me and I had a go at her. She told me to concentrate on pushing instead.


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## Bocket

I was quite pleased that despite a few random noises through labour I kept quite calm..........It was when they started to stitch me up that I lost the plot.....

I think I went to town on the old gas & air (my bestest friend!) I came out with such phrases as...
<looking straight at the midwife with my most serious face> "Y'know, in the weirdest way possible; this is just like being at the dentist" She just nodded and smiled politely
"Are you using knitting wool to do these stitches?"
When she told me to be still so she could check the stitches I went "Like when the hairdresser checks the sides are even?" She just responded with "This is one haircut you wouldn't want to be lop-sided so stay still"
And finally she announced that the last thing she had to do was check none of the stitches had gone too deep by putting her finger up my bum (TMI- Sorry!) anyway she did it as she did I pointed and shouted at my OH "And don't you dare get any ideas" and laughed very loud, then rememberred my mum was sat next to me.....I also kept telling them that was the worst bit of giving birth and that I felt violated....whilst laughing away to myself............yea I love gas and air!!!!!


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## HungryHippo

I just remember right before LO came out the doctor stepped away to put on a more protective jacket and I said something like, "Huffy the [email protected]#$ up - there's a baby hanging out of my vagina!" And the doctor said to wait until the next contraction to push and I replied, "Well where the [email protected]#$ is it?!" That got the nurses laughing but I was not at all amused at the time...


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## prgirl_cesca

NIfirsttimer said:


> onto the loo. while there, transition hit,

Why do we all seem to hit transition on the toilet?!?! :haha: 

My funny moments were:

* My husband hates Glee with a passion and I adore it and wind him up whenever the original version of a Glee song comes on the radio by shouting "glee!!!" at the top of my voice. Anyway we were listening to radio 2 during labour and a Fleetwood Mac song from an episode the week before came on and inbetween contractions I somehow found the energy to shout "glee!" at him!

* My labour was very quick and intense after being put on the syntocin drip during induction and I asked for an epidural after about an hour. It was delayed and I decided I needed a poo before I had it so I got up and transition hit and I completely freaked out. So after I calmed down a bit I got back onto the bed and went "where is my f*cking epidural then?!" and the midwife said "oh but Francesca this is the natural birth you wanted!", apparantly I just went "oh f*ck sake" and started pushing :haha: 6 mins later he was born :haha:


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## Samantha675

prgirl_cesca said:


> NIfirsttimer said:
> 
> 
> onto the loo. while there, transition hit,
> 
> Why do we all seem to hit transition on the toilet?!?! :haha:Click to expand...

Because it is where our brains are conditioned to let go of control, and our bodies are conditioned to relax down below.


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## prgirl_cesca

Oh yes makes sense now!


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## smithgirl

Oh my gosh I was laughing so hard at these I was crying! And I was laughing so uncontrollably that I was passing gas in front of my husband!


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## Sooz

I crapped myself so many times pushing in the pool that DH took over poop-a-scoop duties with the sieve because he felt sorry for the MW.

I think the best part of my labour story is that I was hosting a coffee morning for my NCT buddies that day and when they turned up I was bent half dressed over a birthing ball with DH strapping a TENS on to my back. I insisted they stay so had my group sat drinking tea and eating cake and watching me labour. Our NCT leader said she wants to hire me out in future for labour demonstrations. :haha:


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## LockandKey

think I projectile shat on the doctors while pushing my brains out. Oh well, I'm sure it wasn't the first time that's happened to them, which I assume is the reason why they wear protective eye wear


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## nm123

Brilliant! I've been chuckling away to these - just what I need to while away the pregnancy insomnia!! Nothing to add myself but will pop back in a few months time hopefully with my own funny story! Keep 'em coming!!


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## Minnyb

I terrified my OH with my second daughter. I was in the throws of labour and we were tearing towards the hospital when I announced to my rather suprised husband that I 'apsalutely HAD to have a sausage and egg muffin meal from the Mcdonalds drive through. (Well I was hungry!) He was very hesitant but I was so demanding he reluctantly gave in looking slightly pale and panicky. I remember having a massive contraction whilst collecting our food and getting a bizarre look from the member of staff handing over the breakfast as I huffed and puffed through it. Needless to say, my OH who had also ordered, was far to worried to eat anything so I had his aswell between contractions! :) 
Oh and he mentioned the poor midwife had to do plenty of 'sieving' too as I had a water birth and was leaving some floaters!! ;)


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## MrsVenn

Gosh I've got quite a few but a sample are:

9cm dialated, baby's heartbeat had gone, consultant told me to start pushing to see if Molly would descend:

Me: I can't, something doesn't feel right, it hurts.
Hubby: Push through the pain!
Me: *Look of death" PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN, WTF DO YOU MEAN PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN!!!
MW: Give her the G&A :haha:


Me: Im dying, I can't do it.
MW: Do you want an epidural?
Me: No no, the G&A is fine, I CAN do it.
MW: Are you sure you don't want anything?
Me: No I can manage.

5 seconds later..

Me: Can I have a general anasthetic? I've had one before. 
MW: :rofl: 


Me to MW: I may get a little out of control and lose it, so be stearn with me (whilst off my face I was saying this)
MW: Laughing her head off - It's fine, you'll be ok.
Me: Good because I want to scream... Cue lots of screaming

Which leads to the embarrassing confession of me screaming so loudly they actually stopped the 'new mum's' tour of the delivery suite at the time because they thought I may scare them. What we didn't know at the time was, the pain I was experiencing was because Molly was seriously stuck and they hadn't realised. The midwife on the labour ward the next day knew me as 'the girl in the pink room' Oh the shame :blush: 

Oh and I asked for a cup of tea at 8cm


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## Abisare

well we were driving to hospital, about five minutes out and my wife starts screaming/ shouting at me through a large contraction.

Stupidly I asked 'are you ok, should i pull over ?'

As the contraction eased she shouted..

'you've trapped my finger in the [email protected]@@ing window you [email protected]@@er'


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## amerikiwi

MrsVenn said:


> Oh and I asked for a cup of tea at 8cm

I should've sent my Father in Law over to your room then! :haha:

Well done on stopping the tour as well. Mine was less screaming and more "moooing" but I kept saying afterwards (whilst on gas for the stitches) "oh no, I probably scared all the others away. Did anyone stay to deliver this morning after hearing me?"


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## futurephotos

Thank you everyone! I don't have any children yet - so no stories, but man these were fun to read!!


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## tinkerbelle93

amandad192 said:


> I had diarrhoea and my OH had to support me as I squat over a little cardboard sick thingy on a chair. It stunk really bad too.

Omg, couldn't they get you into a toilet or anything?! :/ xx


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## nervousnell

I am actually sat on the sofa crying with laughter!! I felt really rubbish today so was looking for something to cheer me up - this has definitely worked!! Thanks ladies!!:thumbup:


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## MrsVenn

amerikiwi said:


> MrsVenn said:
> 
> 
> Oh and I asked for a cup of tea at 8cm
> 
> I should've sent my Father in Law over to your room then! :haha:
> 
> Well done on stopping the tour as well. Mine was less screaming and more "moooing" but I kept saying afterwards (whilst on gas for the stitches) "oh no, I probably scared all the others away. Did anyone stay to deliver this morning after hearing me?"Click to expand...


:rofl: send him my way next time :winkwink: :rofl:

Yeah I was quite proud of that :thumbup::blush:


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## Lawhra

Oh my these are so funny! Thanks for sharing everyone :D

A few moments from mine:

I was in hospital for 2 nights due to PROM and OH had to be called at 2:20am to come in as baby was coming. On arrival he is told which room I was in, walked in and was immediately glared at by a couple whose baby had _just_ been born. He was very embarrassed and not happy to be told the wrong room!

Between contractions I kept talking about One Born Every Minute and how I now understood the women on there, for some reason this embarrassed OH. I told him the baby was coming because I felt the baby near my bum which felt like I needed to poo. I was asked if I needed to push, said no, then pushed! (they had to push his head in and tell me stop pushing as they weren't ready for me!)

I yelled "the burning ring of f*****g fire!" whilst crowning and kept apologising for swearing. I also yelled "fuuuuuuuuuu*k"

After the birth when being cleaned up I couldn't figure out how to open the pack of maternity pads saying "I've never had these before and don't know how to open them" The midwife just took them off me and tore them open.

I thought the student midwife was a comedienne I'd seen on telly and told her I recognised her.


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## hawalkden

2RockinBoys said:


> Midwife-"You need to push
> Me-"I cant"
> Midwife-"Why not?"
> Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
> Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
> (And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)

This really made me giggle :) hope the G&A works for me like that :D haha


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## meow951

Don't know if these are funny but i found them funny :haha:

As soon as i went into labour i got really bad diahorrea and i was having contractions every few minutes. I couldn't sit down because it was too painful so i had to hover over the toilet and keep bobbing up and down, trying to make sure i pooped in the toilet.

I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes right from the start and couldn't sit down so the drive to the birthing centre was exteremly uncomfortable. I asked DH for a kitkat and when he tried to hand it to me i said "why are you giving me a kitkat? Do i look like i want a kitkat? Get it away from me NOW!"

When i started pushing my waters broke but LO was too low down for all of it to come out and he'd also done a poo inside me. I was on all fours and both midwifes we leaning over behind me, looking at my bits. When LO came out, which was very quickly and with a lot of force, all the green gunky water and poo fired out and went all over the equipment trolley. The midwifes only just got their heads out of the way in time!


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## sequeena

I....

Called the midwives cnuts :blush: and then could not stop saying sorry :rofl:
Made my OH take a photo of my son crowning - why?! :rofl:
Spaced out way too much on gas and air and kept thinking I was someone else :wacko:


----------



## SabrinaB

:rofl:
these stories were so funny, made me a tad bit nervous for labour though!


----------



## Jennifaerie

Loved these stories!


----------



## gezma

my waters broke in the car on the way to the hospital and drenched my jeans and trainers and i was begging my DH to turn the car round so i could go home and change them as i didn't want to go to hospital in that state!! he turned the car round and thought to himself what the hell am i doing and said no and drove to the hospital!!


----------



## Hevalouaddict

oh lordy loved all these! iv just got out of hospital and i was in agony so they gave me pethadine and i passed out... woke up at 6.30 this morning because the peth was wearing off and begged for more... they gave me paracetamol! but i couldn't swallow them and ended up spitting them out all over. they refused me peth again and made me drink soluble paracetamol yuk! i still have 21 weeks left and my god im having pethadine that stuff is amazing!!


----------



## sequeena

Pethidine didn't work for me, my contractions were still awful :(


----------



## T8ty

Haha!!!

When i was my antenatal classes they were chatting about getting to the 'burning ring of fire' point during labour..well my MW, Student Mw and OH were all chatting whilst i was lay on the bed enjoing the effects of the diamorphine.. i just shouted ''ooooooooooooooooo god this is the bloody burning ring or fire.. just i havent had a curry and its not my bum thats burning.. ''

Oh and also

After i had delivered my Daughter she was on my chest and they had just delivered the placenta..

The student MW was wrapping itup in a bag and she said to the other MW ill just put this in the freezer for you..

Well me thinking i was still centre of attension .. thought she was talking to me.. and i stupidly said...

'Well i dont want it do i''

Haha! My OH still wont let it go!

xxx


----------



## Lawhra

sequeena said:


> I....
> 
> Called the midwives cnuts :blush: and then could not stop saying sorry :rofl:
> Made my OH take a photo of my son crowning - why?! :rofl:
> Spaced out way too much on gas and air and kept thinking I was someone else :wacko:

My OH wanted to take photos of the crowning but the midwife glared at him and said he shouldn't! I wish she hadn't stopped him as I'd quite like to have seen.


----------



## nanomey

some great stories there!! ... thought id better add some of my own in return :blush: ive had 4 children & have a embarressing comment for each!!

dd1 id had lots of gas & air & i remember staring across the room to where my mum & sis where & saying in a very spectical voice '' I know your looking at me.... and i can hear what you are saying'' .... they later told me they were talking about ''how much of a natural i was!!'' when dd finally came out blood splattered across the midwives face - i couldnt appoloigise enough :blush:

dd2 again too much gas & air... i had my cervix checked & right while the poor midwifes right in the middle of ...errrr...checking....i grinned at my other half who was holding my hand & said ''this is the bit you've waited 9months to see'' ... !! why does g&a make us say the most STUPIDEST things!!!???

dd3 going into the transitional stage & mum starts giving me some home remedy tablet thingy (explained before hand they are for different stages & signs im showing etc) i say ''WHAT THE F**K IS THAT FOR?'' and mum says ''its for aggitation & demanding behaviour'' ''IM F****ING FINE'' i shouted!! :haha:

dd4 right at the end i whispered to my OH ''babe ive never done drugs... but im OFF MY HEAD !!!'' and then i turned round - squatted down, and he was out! my next stupid comment was '' I CAN SEEEEE ..... MYYY BITSSSS!!!!'' :dohh: (im sure i meant baby LOL)


----------



## shinona

Oh my! I am killing myself laughing here. You must hear some funny things as a midwife.

When I was on the gas and air (which I loved!), I started giggling and told hubby: "Karen is coming to examine me". I was convinced hubby's pal, who is an accountant, was outside and was coming in to examine me. He looked at me like I was a nutter but I was not to be dissuaded. 

Once I'd had the epidural and was lying on the bed (still sucking down the G&A too!!), the mw told me to let the pressure build as ds was still too high. I kept giggling and stage whispering to hubby: "This baby is trying to come out of my bum!" I said it so many times until the mw, who was laughing her head off, said "Honestly, it's really not".


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

Thanks for the giggles ladies. Humour to be found everywhere lol!


----------



## Emma&Freya

I feel like I shouldnt be laughing but these stories have made my day haha


----------



## Lawhra

I forgot to add from my first son's birth...

I was worried about the pain from having a canula put in for the epidural. After getting high on gas and air, when they had done it, I was relieved to not have felt it and said "OMG I that didn't hurt at all! Can you pierce my nipples while you're there?"

They did not look impressed.


----------



## cherryglitter

me "seriously this gas and air is making me feel like i've had 8 bottles of vodka..." proceeded to puke after this like i had drank 8 bottles of it.

"it's AMAAAAAAAAAZING"

"it feels like im watching from that corner.. right there.. over there!"

"my head is still but the room is spinning?!"

stuck on the loo: "I CAN'T MOOOOOOOOOVE" mid contraction hahaha, had to be lifted off!

to FOB: "why the fuck are they making you tea and toast, why the fuck are you sat there eating...." i was really annoyed :rofl:

i couldn't count how many times i shouted i can't do it!


----------



## Daisy Delayne

NIfirsttimer said:


> lol also just remembered that at one point the midwife made me get out of the pool to check progress, and i really didnt want to... later on, in the midst of the transition drama i said 'IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRRY I CALLED U A BITTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHH' and she said 'noo u didnt, its ok' and i told her that i did, she was just out of the room at the time lol

Oh my god! That is one of the funniest things I've ever read :rofl:


----------



## mich22

During my first labour I had a poo and my immature 31 year old husband found this very humourous. With my second he kept on making a joke that if I did it again he would take a pic and put it on facebook, obviously he would not do this but after I had given birth to my second I was completely out of it with the shock and pain and kept shouting "Did I poo?? He's going to put it on facebook" The midwives looked at him in discust. Ha, he felt so embarrassed.


----------



## 2RockinBoys

OMG i totally forgot about this!!
When my son's head started crowning, 
MW said, 'oh that's really good, keep going, we can see the head', 
to which i cried out 'IS IT GINGER?!!', 
and my OH responded, 'I can't tell, it's covered in blood!'
:dohh:


----------



## mich22

2RockinBoys said:


> OMG i totally forgot about this!!
> When my son's head started crowning,
> MW said, 'oh that's really good, keep going, we can see the head',
> to which i cried out 'IS IT GINGER?!!',
> and my OH responded, 'I can't tell, it's covered in blood!'
> :dohh:

LOL!! That one made m chuckle.


----------



## blondebabe

I had a natural birth in a birthing pool! Just before i went to push, i wee'd and the student midwife said "oh love, ur waters have broken" i was like "umm no i just wee'd" lol 
Also i poo'd in the pool and pulled out god knows how much mucus plug and the midwife had to get a net to fish it out lol xx

Also as baby's head was coming out i was shouting "MY VAGINA IS BURNING" haha


----------



## fidget

hehe love this

i was halfway through my labour and asked if i could stop pushing and go for a poo :blush: i got quite angry when she said it wasn't poo, it was the baby bearing down.

i also shouted i needed to poo a fair few times after this

when he started crowning i screamed oh my god, ring of fire! and my oh had no idea what i was talking about - he thought i meant curry bum sort of burning....


----------



## scoobymum

Tee hee, these are very funny!
Mine is more of a post baby story, I had a third degree tear and had really bad uncontrollable wind for a while, about 3 days after birth the midwife came round to check my stitches.
I has to lie on my side and she lifted my bum cheek, yep you guessed it, I trumpt right in her face! Was mortified...


----------



## DarlingMe

During my c-section the doc had said he was starting to cut. About 3 seconds later he said, "what the hell?!" At first I kinda freaked out a bit! Then I realized he was in the middle of telling a story and this was what another person had said. Of course I reprimanded him for making that statement! It did make my heart skip a beat or 2 though!


----------



## DarlingMe

scoobymum said:


> Tee hee, these are very funny!
> Mine is more of a post baby story, I had a third degree tear and had really bad uncontrollable wind for a while, about 3 days after birth the midwife came round to check my stitches.
> I has to lie on my side and she lifted my bum cheek, yep you guessed it, I trumpt right in her face! Was mortified...

I am a nurse scooby, I cant tell you how many times patients have passed gas in my face! :dohh: embarrassing for you but completely normal for her!


----------



## Jennifaerie

DarlingMe said:


> scoobymum said:
> 
> 
> Tee hee, these are very funny!
> Mine is more of a post baby story, I had a third degree tear and had really bad uncontrollable wind for a while, about 3 days after birth the midwife came round to check my stitches.
> I has to lie on my side and she lifted my bum cheek, yep you guessed it, I trumpt right in her face! Was mortified...
> 
> I am a nurse scooby, I cant tell you how many times patients have passed gas in my face! :dohh: embarrassing for you but completely normal for her!Click to expand...

Please let that not be me!!!


----------



## cherryglitter

darlingme: i love your avatar picture :kiss:


----------



## Rachyroux

Ugh after my epidural I couldn't control my gas! I was farting alot, infront of midwife, student midwife , boyfriend and mother! I literally couldn't hold it in! haha. I kept saying "I'm soooo sorry..." they weren't quiet either. Oh shaming.


----------



## ferens06

mich22 said:


> During my first labour I had a poo and my immature 31 year old husband found this very humourous. With my second he kept on making a joke that if I did it again he would take a pic and put it on facebook, obviously he would not do this but after I had given birth to my second I was completely out of it with the shock and pain and kept shouting "Did I poo?? He's going to put it on facebook" The midwives looked at him in discust. Ha, he felt so embarrassed.

:rofl:


----------



## Ali90

Love reading these!!!!!
With my first labour I said to hubby I was going to get in the bath and that he should go back to sleep. After about an hour or so I thought the contractions were getting closer so I'd better wake him up. Our bathroom was opposite the bedroom. I'm calling his name over and over, louder and louder and nothing he continues to sleep soundly. Didn't want to get out of the bath so called our dog. He came running up the stairs (which he never does) and into the bathroom. I said go and wake up daddy! He bounds into the bedroom and jumps right onto the bed, wagging his tail. The look on hubbys face was priceless! He was like 'what whats the matter' and I was like 'I'm having a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Our dog looked so proud of himself.


----------



## Rhiana79

Ali90 said:


> Love reading these!!!!!
> With my first labour I said to hubby I was going to get in the bath and that he should go back to sleep. After about an hour or so I thought the contractions were getting closer so I'd better wake him up. Our bathroom was opposite the bedroom. I'm calling his name over and over, louder and louder and nothing he continues to sleep soundly. Didn't want to get out of the bath so called our dog. He came running up the stairs (which he never does) and into the bathroom. I said go and wake up daddy! He bounds into the bedroom and jumps right onto the bed, wagging his tail. The look on hubbys face was priceless! He was like 'what whats the matter' and I was like 'I'm having a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Our dog looked so proud of himself.


lol that is awesome x


----------



## nicki01

Abisare said:


> well we were driving to hospital, about five minutes out and my wife starts screaming/ shouting at me through a large contraction.
> 
> Stupidly I asked 'are you ok, should i pull over ?'
> 
> As the contraction eased she shouted..
> 
> 'you've trapped my finger in the [email protected]@@ing window you [email protected]@@er'

Ive been laughing for a good 5 minutes about this one! My favourite for sure!


----------



## Reyba

I've not had a baby but I've had gas and air before. All I wanted to do was sleep and I hated talking because my voice would be super low and everyone would laugh!!!! I sounded really stupid! 

It was pretty amazing though, when I could stay awake but the nurses would take it away from me because they said that people sometimes get the sensation of wanting to fly and didn't want me to jump out of the window :shrug:


----------



## MaybBaby

oh mercy me i have been in TEARS! over these stories, OH has now run off to buy a game in PC world saying 'maaaan im going to be one of these stories im so scared!' bless the sod ive scared him orf! :haha: keep em coming ladies i hope to join soon :rofl:


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## amandad192

tinkerbelle93 said:


> amandad192 said:
> 
> 
> I had diarrhoea and my OH had to support me as I squat over a little cardboard sick thingy on a chair. It stunk really bad too.
> 
> Omg, couldn't they get you into a toilet or anything?! :/ xxClick to expand...

The midwife was out of the room.
I had been examined and refused to get dressed again so had no trousers or underwear on. I stayed in the delivery room the whole time with the door shut.

If I'd asked, they'd probably have helped me dress and got me to the toilet..but I was in too much pain to care.


----------



## LoolaBear

OMG these are so funny! i am getting very weird looks from the two male office members i work with trying not to burst out loud with laughter!

ive got a couple...

with the twins i had a planned c-section but afterwards the funnies came. it had been about 4 hours after having them and the midwife came to check on me.
MW: can you feel your legs yet?
ME (ever so proudly) : yep, i can move them and everything (proceeded to wobble my legs like jelly) SEE!!!!
MW: oh well thats not really movement is it its just shaking them.
ME: why do you hate me so much?

then at about 10pm (12 hours after having the twins) i buzzed the nurse and told her that i really really needed to pee. she said that i shouldnt feel like that as i was still cathaterised. 
she toddled off but i still felt like i had this huge urge to pee. buzzed her back where she said well i can take the cathater out incase its irritation from this giving you the urge to pee but i can garuntee you dont need to actually pee.
so she took it out and off she went. with that i decided to relax knowing i needed to pee. and there the whole contents of my bladder went everywhere. called her back and said see told you i needed to pee!!! she then proceeded to give me a dose of morphine so i could get out of bed so she could clear up all red faced.

when i was labouring loosing my angel i loved loved loved the gas and air, i kept telling the doctor all this information i had read online, also telling him what his job was to do, i just could not stop talking. i also kept giggling to myself as i kept talking to myself. i loved it.
they gave me pethidine which i will never have again, mum and dad had just gone downstairs to get themselves some breakfast when it kicked in and it made me feel scuicidal! i kept trying to jump out the tiny 4 inch gap in the open window, and then walking round the room just screaming Oh My God over and over again. then when mum and dad came back i jumped on the bed and sat there as if nothing had happened!


----------



## GreyGirl

Some hilarious stories!!! I've read all the pages, thanks for the laughs :D 
I haven't given birth yet, but I hope to have some funny stories to tell one day :)


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## MissRhead

I was in early labour for a couple of days, on off contractions, and i made FOB drive me to mcdonalds, for breakfast, i had a really strong contraction and started wailing in the passenger seat, the poor man in the drive thru didnt know what the hell was going on.
Another one, when i was at the pushing stage, FOB had a bottle of diet coke, and everytime i had a contraction id shout at him 'coke!' drink some then scream at him 'i fucking hate diet coke!' I also kept swearing at the midwives and then saying 'im so sorry i dont usualy swear, do you hate me now?' Oh and i kept pressing the buzzer every time the midwife left the room to ask her how much longer she thought it would be haha. I so wish i had it all recorded!x


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## Kimboowee

I pee'd on my mw after giving birth! She was pressing on my stomach to help the placenta with her hand 'up there' - accident waiting to happen...


----------



## SmileyMTB

ahhh i stumbled on this by accident but im soo glad i read it all, been laughing so hard. suppose ive this all to look forward too :)


----------



## MiissMuffet

my midwife came to check me when i was in labour and she said "lets go check your cervix" and i cried "but i havn't shaved" :brat: She said "it's ok, aslong as i don't have to whack through with a axe and a hachet it'll be fine"

:rofl:

Also have a video of me talking to penguins i was so out of it and singing about jetplanes

The gas and air made me talk and talk and i remember telling my midwife all about bnb :haha:


----------



## chuck

I find it strange reading about how crazy some of get on gas and air?!?! I was still holding normal conversations between ctx and while still feeling buzzy on the stuff.

With my first the pethadine did make me a little more silly but nothing mad just smiley and slurry for a little bit.

The morning after my EMCS I had morphine and again holding normal conversations.

So dont worry ladies not all painkillers make you go mental!




As for me hmmm with my 1st at the BC hubby left the room while I was having a VE, I sat up after had a huge ctx and felt sick so the MW handed my cardboard bowls...I filled 3 and then as I was finishing up a mouthful or 2 in the 4th bowl hubby strolls back in...MW says to him, 'she's just been a little sick but she's ok' I look at him, he looks at me and gives me that awwww sorry look (thinking it was only the bowl I was holding) then I catch the shock and revulsion on hi9s face when he clocks th3 other bowls brimming with my sick. Bless him.

With my 2nd I was hoping to HBAC but we transferred and the mean ambulance guys made me walk to the ambulance (I was 10cm and bleeding heavily my vans got ruined!) when we got close to the hospital I remember telling them I AM NOT WALKING ANYWHERE WHEN WE GET THERE!!!! 'its alright love we'll wheel you in on the bed' GOOD, I CANT WALK, I WONT WALK!! 

Bless them the ambulance guys were lovely really -if any of you get transferred and the guys are good please write to their area office, letters of thanks are kept on their permanent record.


----------



## Courtcourt

Really an after labor story, but one of my nurses- Nurse Chan, with a very heavy accent kept wanting to "clean my poo poo spot" after labor. I kept telling her I didn't poop. Then she kept chanting "You need pee, you call me!! You need pee, you call me!!" 

Finally I had to call her for help to pee (had epidural) and she still insisted on "cleaning my poo poo spot" (her words exactly) 

lmao, awwwkward!


----------



## ferens06

:rofl: ^^^^^


----------



## Jaimie2Eyes

:rofl: I hope I get a nurse that funny! Although I would find a poo poo spot cleansing a little awkward as well:blush:


----------



## tiger

:shock: i wouldnt let anyone near my poo poo spot :rofl:


----------



## cupcake

my anesthesiologist couldn't get the epidural in, I mean it was about 7 or 8 attempts, blood everywhere, my midwife was this tiny little woman, so sweet, she was actually there for my first birth too, anyway i could see she started looking a bit worried that it was taking so long. she told the anesthesiologist that he could have one more try and then that was it, I became hysterical, I asked her why she didn't want me to get the epidural, why was she doing this to me, please don't make him go away I don't care its okay keep trying.
lol, she was only trying to get a more senior doctor in, she told me "trust me, I want you to get this epidural as much as you want to have it"


----------



## mummymunch

I cant really think of anything hilarious! 
i cried whilst standing outside the hosp as i hadn't painted my toe nails, pregnant women were entering ad leaving the buillding! 

I told the midwife i wasnt reasy for a baby and i just needed a poo (this was just as i was abou to start pushing) i tried to get off the bed! 

Whilst i was waiting for a room it was so hot i hugged a vending machine! 

My waters shot across the room and i apologised alot to the midwife incase it hit her! 

The nurse who did my stitches told me to never give up on my dreams that "she only came here to learn english and now shes putting stitches in people vaginas" she then told me she would have my lady parts looking lovely, like a dolche and gabana dress, maybe i'll email it to them as a tag line?

I was never completely out of it on gas and air, it was a bit hazy and i apologised for sounding like a man, but i did have a very long conversation with the midwife about whether i had poo'd or not!


----------



## SIEGAL

mummymunch said:


> The nurse who did my stitches told me to never give up on my dreams that "she only came here to learn english and now shes putting stitches in people vaginas"

OMG!!! Hilarious!!!!


----------



## lazydaisy2011

midwife telling me to push and i wanted to take a little nap and finish it later lol And when the head came out and she tried to take my gas and air so i could concentrate, and i looked at her name tag pulled it close said her name and told her " take that from me and i will be googling and hunting you down, more water please" pmsl
Oh and there was the internal to see how many cm's i was how i apparently winked at her and called her a kinky little minx wtf lol


----------



## tannembaum

Haha a kinky minx!!!! Thank you so much for that, I've been feeling so poorly and that cheered me right up :)


----------



## LadyGecko

aww thankyou for sharing ladies ..... you have made me smile when feeling very down..hopefully i can add my own story soon x


----------



## Newmummy18

well, when I was pretty out of it on my second shot of diamorphine I apparently let out a huge fart and said thank you before laughing!!:haha:
Before the birth OH kept insisting that we'd see if I wanted more after birth, so during crowning I turned to him and said 'i still want more babies' lol his face was a picture. 
I also remember almost crying when diamorphine was wearing off and trying (and failing) to discretely 'whisper' (apparently very loudly) to OH had I poo'd lol. I hadn't so all was fine :haha:
Also, once DD's head was out i screamed at MW to 'pull her out, pull her out right now!' lol
Some of the birth stories are so funny lol, OH has just asked me what I'm laughing at!


----------



## SHELBYBABY

With my first child, I went into labor about 10pm and i didnt have her until 2 the next day. I really needed to pee, when i went i could see my baby's hair, and i told them, and they laid me down on the bed, and they were like she has a full head of her, and they are touching her hair, keep in mind the baby is hanging out of my vagina. They try to get my mom to look and she is like no, they lied about the hair color and my mom almost breaks her neck trying to see.


----------



## Want2bemommy4

With my second daughter I went with just a block, where they stick needles up in me to numb my vaginal walls etc. I wanted the closet thing to natrual birth with her. And, I remember having my legs up in the stirrups with the doctor holding up these huge ass long needles laughing I said that spectulum is making it hard not to push I was like 7 CM. Hes like stop pushing cuz he could tell I was, I said I CANT Fing help it it just is happening on its own. Well, I shot the instrument out and go thats what happens when you tell me to stop pushing when I cant. So, finally he put the spectulum back in, and I was having the same issue and was laughing so hard that I go can I just squeeze (do a keegle)? And, my mom was just giggling and red too in the face. But he goes sure why not. Finally I got numbed up. was waiting to fully dilate which was 3 minutes later I started pushing and going is she out yet? Is that her head? Doctor said SHut up your not pushing hard enough when your talking. Finally 4 pushes later there was my daughter.

No cuts or tears. But, He saw how bad my hemroid was and pushed it back in. I screamed hey I just gave birth and your putting your finger in my bum to fix that. my DH had laughed hard.


----------



## westjn85

When I was in labor with my first I had gotten an epidural. I was in the midst of hard labor when someone farted so loudly that I immediately turned to my husband with an angry face thinking it was him. He shook his head no. I then turned to look at the nurse and that's when I realized that it was me! I couldn't even feel it! My mom came back in the room moments later when I told her that I thought I had poo'd myself. I asked her to check for me. She grabbed some tissue and actually wiped my butt! Luckily, it was just some blood and not poo. I still can't believe my mom would do that for me. I mean, we're close and all, but not that close!


----------



## MissFox

HAHAH This is great!!! 

Well I was waiting 2 hours for my epidural and the anesthesiologist to come. when he got there and began placing it he asked if it hurt and I said YEA. He asked WHERE And I replied IDK MY BACK?! DUH so he said Where in your back? I told him that I didn't know the "scientific names for places in my body" lol. He said describe it to me. I told him and we went on like this for a few minutes. Then when they were moving me back into the bed to lay down I had a HUGE contraction and yelled OWW OW F**KITY OWW (from Juno... I was thinking of juno and laughing) and he promptly asks where it hurts and I SCREAM at the top of my lungs IN MY F***ING UTERUS YOU IDIOT!


----------



## jess1983

lol I just love these stories


----------



## pregnantbabe

With my 1st baby i was 1 week and 6days overdue and was trying everything to get labour started.

me and my partner decided sex was the only answer. so in the middle of the act my waters broke and absolute covered him . . . i dont no who was more embarrassed me or him lol xx


----------



## mummyflanagan

these are just 2 funny im crying my eyes out and thought i would share my labour with my DD.

on the way to the hospital we had to pick my sister up from my nans. my mum was driving and DH was in the back with me. my sister jumps in the car as my nan comes running out and stands in front of the car shouting at us to go go go. my mum shouted at her i will run u over mum! dont think i wont!.

we were playing a cd loud in the car to keep me busy and when driving down the road we had the windows open i was soooo hot. everytime i started having a contraction i screamed and they all put the windows up once the contraction had gone they wound them down again.

walking into the entrance of the hosptial my DH stood on the back of my flip flop by accident and i almost fell over right outside the security office so i grabbed his nipple n growled at him.

i made DH wheel the gas and air into the bathroom with me every 2 mins as i refused to leave it.

on the gas and air i started a new bottle and was sick every where whilst crying to my DH the gas and air had gone off i made him try sum he sucked it in once before i was on my feet shouting at him for taking it. i tried to say sorry by giving him a cuddle and had a contraction and accidently pulled out some of his armpit hair!.

then i was given pethidine and i woke with every contraction and started sucking on the tens machine button instead of the gas and air. 

after quite a few hours of me begging for a c-section they agreed to give me an epidural. the man was doing it and i was shouting at the midwife that he put a catapiller in my spinnnnnneeeeee!

i was asleep when i got the urge to push i woke up sat up and screamed i need a poooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. as i was pushing i was saying dont let chris see my poo over and over and over so the midwife agreed to hold a piece of tissue over my bum :/.

when DD was crowning i thought it would be a good idea to feel her head and got gunk all over my hand i looked at it and wiped it down DH white top saying thats f**king minging!

i had a trainee do my stitches and whilst she was doing it i farted so loud right in her face but where i was on gas and air i burst out laughing and couldnt stop to say sorry! 

DH asked her to put a honeymoons stich in too!


there is my embarrassing moments. hope they make u laugh as much as they do me ha x


----------



## pipsbabybean

mummyflanagan said:


> these are just 2 funny im crying my eyes out and thought i would share my labour with my DD.
> 
> on the way to the hospital we had to pick my sister up from my nans. my mum was driving and DH was in the back with me. my sister jumps in the car as my nan comes running out and stands in front of the car shouting at us to go go go. my mum shouted at her i will run u over mum! dont think i wont!.
> 
> we were playing a cd loud in the car to keep me busy and when driving down the road we had the windows open i was soooo hot. everytime i started having a contraction i screamed and they all put the windows up once the contraction had gone they wound them down again.
> 
> walking into the entrance of the hosptial my DH stood on the back of my flip flop by accident and i almost fell over right outside the security office so i grabbed his nipple n growled at him.
> 
> i made DH wheel the gas and air into the bathroom with me every 2 mins as i refused to leave it.
> 
> on the gas and air i started a new bottle and was sick every where whilst crying to my DH the gas and air had gone off i made him try sum he sucked it in once before i was on my feet shouting at him for taking it. i tried to say sorry by giving him a cuddle and had a contraction and accidently pulled out some of his armpit hair!.
> 
> then i was given pethidine and i woke with every contraction and started sucking on the tens machine button instead of the gas and air.
> 
> after quite a few hours of me begging for a c-section they agreed to give me an epidural. the man was doing it and i was shouting at the midwife that he put a catapiller in my spinnnnnneeeeee!
> 
> i was asleep when i got the urge to push i woke up sat up and screamed i need a poooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. as i was pushing i was saying dont let chris see my poo over and over and over so the midwife agreed to hold a piece of tissue over my bum :/.
> 
> when DD was crowning i thought it would be a good idea to feel her head and got gunk all over my hand i looked at it and wiped it down DH white top saying thats f**king minging!
> 
> i had a trainee do my stitches and whilst she was doing it i farted so loud right in her face but where i was on gas and air i burst out laughing and couldnt stop to say sorry!
> 
> DH asked her to put a honeymoons stich in too!
> 
> 
> there is my embarrassing moments. hope they make u laugh as much as they do me ha x

well and truly tickled me that did.. :blush:


----------



## RyliesMummy

Bocket said:


> And finally she announced that the last thing she had to do was check none of the stitches had gone too deep by putting her finger up my bum (TMI- Sorry!) anyway she did it *as she did I pointed and shouted at my OH "And don't you dare get any ideas" *and laughed very loud, then rememberred my mum was sat next to me.....I also kept telling them that was the worst bit of giving birth and that I felt violated....whilst laughing away to myself............yea I love gas and air!!!!!

:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:
:rofl:

I have tears streaming down my face, I can't stop laughing!


----------



## Natsku

Hilarious thread!!

My labour wasn't that funny but I did love the gas and air. I made the midwife turn it all the way up and then kept sharing it with OH. When the doctor came in to discuss pain relief options I told her "I love this gas and air, I'm so high!" then I made OH phone his SIL to debate the pain relief options (she's a nurse) and while he was out of the room I was hearing voices from the gas and air, I was so sure I could hear him on the phone.

And I spent the whole 46 mins pushing shouting "I can't do it! I can't do it!"


----------



## Emma&Freya

mummyflanagan said:


> these are just 2 funny im crying my eyes out and thought i would share my labour with my DD.
> 
> on the way to the hospital we had to pick my sister up from my nans. my mum was driving and DH was in the back with me. my sister jumps in the car as my nan comes running out and stands in front of the car shouting at us to go go go. my mum shouted at her i will run u over mum! dont think i wont!.
> 
> we were playing a cd loud in the car to keep me busy and when driving down the road we had the windows open i was soooo hot. everytime i started having a contraction i screamed and they all put the windows up once the contraction had gone they wound them down again.
> 
> walking into the entrance of the hosptial my DH stood on the back of my flip flop by accident and i almost fell over right outside the security office so i grabbed his nipple n growled at him.
> 
> i made DH wheel the gas and air into the bathroom with me every 2 mins as i refused to leave it.
> 
> on the gas and air i started a new bottle and was sick every where whilst crying to my DH the gas and air had gone off i made him try sum he sucked it in once before i was on my feet shouting at him for taking it. i tried to say sorry by giving him a cuddle and had a contraction and accidently pulled out some of his armpit hair!.
> 
> then i was given pethidine and i woke with every contraction and started sucking on the tens machine button instead of the gas and air.
> 
> after quite a few hours of me begging for a c-section they agreed to give me an epidural. the man was doing it and i was shouting at the midwife that he put a catapiller in my spinnnnnneeeeee!
> 
> i was asleep when i got the urge to push i woke up sat up and screamed i need a poooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. as i was pushing i was saying dont let chris see my poo over and over and over so the midwife agreed to hold a piece of tissue over my bum :/.
> 
> when DD was crowning i thought it would be a good idea to feel her head and got gunk all over my hand i looked at it and wiped it down DH white top saying thats f**king minging!
> 
> i had a trainee do my stitches and whilst she was doing it i farted so loud right in her face but where i was on gas and air i burst out laughing and couldnt stop to say sorry!
> 
> DH asked her to put a honeymoons stich in too!
> 
> 
> there is my embarrassing moments. hope they make u laugh as much as they do me ha x

That is so funny hahaha


----------



## Gretaa

all of the stories are hilarious :D I'm laughing out loud, hysterical :D


----------



## mummyflanagan

i think its funny my hubby still has a bald patch on his armpit ha x


----------



## Kerri B

Loving this thread ladies! I've just been catching up on this thread, some of your stories are so funny!


----------



## beckiieboo

i have been in tears reading these.. if any one could ee me now sitting in my front room laughing hysterically to myself they wil think I'm mad! lol


ohhh i love this thread! love BandB :) you girls sure now how to make people smile n laugh :)

xx


----------



## MrsK

these are all great! Makes me wonder what i'll be like in labor. My midwife is actually a close friend, so I'm afraid of completely embarrassing myself and then having to face her again in "real life"!

I haven't given birth yet, so I don't have any stories of my own... but I was at my best friend's birth a few months ago. She got an epidural, and was a bit loopy at times. Once she made her mom check her legs and asked "Do they feel funny to you? They feel very funny to me."


----------



## TVG

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories, fabulous!!!! I'm at work on nightshift and had to cover my mouth as I was laughing so hard!!!!


----------



## lrxjessica

I tend to crack jokes when I'm in pain or nervous so I'm sure a lot came out but I don't remember much. But I do remember cracking up the doctor and nurses during my c section. I remember going into the operation room and seeing that operating table that looks like a cross laying down..arms out, legs straight. I said "I came here to have a baby, not be crucified". Laughter and weird looks with that one. Then after they took my son out and were closing me up..the anesthesiologist gave me something that made me feel really loopy and relaxed..and I told him 'You are cool, I like you. Just keep giving me what you just gave me and we'll be okay". 

Oh and I kept saying "what stinks, something stinks" to my husband and the nurse next to my head. Then I remembered I had the oxygen mask on and I was like "Oh, oxygen stinks..".


----------



## SIEGAL

I wasnt in labor but I thought it was funny so I would share....I was having some minor surgery and all loopy from some sort of drugs and I was in law school at the time and they asked me what kind of law I was studying as they were preparing for my surgery and I smiled at them and said "medical malpractice (not true)" and giggled. They DID NOT find it funny - They all just stared at me (Dr.'s in the US have it hard with lawsuits).


----------



## Kasia

OMG I'm at work and should not be reading these! I started laughing so hard I was farting uncontrollably and peed myself:haha:


----------



## SIEGAL

Kasia said:


> OMG I'm at work and should not be reading these! I started laughing so hard I was farting uncontrollably and peed myself:haha:

ahh...the joys of pregnancy!!


----------



## bmuir11207

katy1310 said:


> I'm loving reading these :coffee: I needed a good laugh!
> 
> I didn't have labour as I had an emergency section at 27 weeks so I don't really have much of a story - but I do remember asking DH constantly if he was sure that my legs were not in the air when I was lying on the operating table, because I really really felt like they were! Then when they rolled me off the operating table back onto the bed, I got the giggles, for some reason - I have no idea why, and it was highly inappropriate really considering how premature Sophie was and what a traumatic time I'd just been through with her!
> 
> xx

:rofl: i can relate to this because i had a c-section this had me laughing so hard my 4 year old asked what i was laughing about LOL


----------



## Skippy54

brilliant!! Havent laughed so hard in ages! keep them coming ladies :) xx


----------



## mummydeb

well my labour was only 2hrs from start to finish as i was induced and 45mins of that was pushing so as you can imagine my contractions was very close together i told the mw they was to close together but due to not making any noise she didnt belive me this time i will scream lol then transition stage hit me i ran out into the hall and shouted i cant do this anymore much to all the staffs amusement must of thought i couldnt cope seen as it had only been half hour and then i told them i had to poo i really had to poo and was very much telling the whole world she said maybe you do but no it meant i was about to push lol while pushing i asked if i could scream (reason for this is when my sister gave birth they told her of for screaming so i was frightened to) :haha: i was very quiet through out or so i thought yet apparently they had never heard so many swear words come out of someones mouth before :/ i dont remember making a sound lol and although i did not have any drugs at all afterwards all i remember was being told i couldnt eat for several hours due to compliactions and i went on and on and on about the fact i was missing the turkey roast and it was the only decent dinner that they ever served i even begged a surgeon to please let me have the only decent dinner they served and even gave him my best pet lip :blush:


----------



## prayingforkid

I love these, cant wait to go into labor!


----------



## Mrsturner

I have been CRYING with laughter! I've just informed DH that G+A can make you say crazy things and now he cant wait! x


----------



## lilly100

thank you everyone for sharing your stories, they are great. I've just sat and read through the whole lot of them. Love it!


----------



## tmt

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

This made me laugh pretty hard - this is something my OH would do and guaranteed I will have the EXACT same reaction as you did!!


----------



## xBabyGoose

aha these are brilliant!


----------



## FeistyMom

These stories are fabulous! Just what I needed to take my mind off work the past few days :D

To add a few of my own, although not as funny as some of the others!

With DD#1, I had gone in with what I thought was labor, but was sent home. 3 days later, when I actually WAS in labor, I was in denial because I didn't want to embarrass myself again. My hubby asked if he should stay home or go into the office (it was my due date, but his last day working that particular job). I told him to go ahead and go into work... Well, my mom and dad both showed up at my house a few hours later (oddly enough uncoordinated despite being married and living together...). I had been working on my laptop, and tracking contractions. Mom asked how they were, and I said oh you know - about 5 minutes apart, but no big deal. Well, she made lunch and I was thoroughly nauseated even by the thought, so they ate in one room while I was in another. Apparently this is when transition labor hit. My hubby called to check in on me, and I could not talk during contractions, just make noises like 'mmm hmm, uh huh' so he had NO idea I was in labor. I told him to stay at work! My dad finally came in and informed me we were going to the hospital because he was timing my contractions too, and they were 90 seconds apart! Mom drove me, and I am afraid to say I cussed her out almost the entire time! The words that came out of my mouth... And then proceeded to apologize in between contractions. At one point, she was unsure where the parking garage was - and I said VERY loudly 'HOW THE F**K DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE IT IS!!!!! JESUS F'ING CHRI*T!!' followed by, 'omg, i'm so sorry mom. It is up on the right, just keep in this lane and then F*CK THIS HURTS'. We got to the hospital, I waved off a wheelchair (dumb idea), and then the nurses were going to put me in triage. Luckily, triage was full, so I went straight back to a labor room to wait. I went to the bathroom, and sure enough - waters break. It was a TON of water - had to be all of it, or so I thought... My mom grabbed a nurse, and they frantically assembled a team to admit me, put in an IV, notify my doctor, set up the delivery equipment... Meanwhile my father had phoned my hubby and hubby was speeding his way to the hospital. The next 10 minutes I alternated between demanding my epidural (nurse was very polite saying 'we'll get right on that', even though it was much too late), and informing them that if the baby crowned they had to put it back until my husband was there. Mixed with much profanity. My hubby arrived moments before the doc, and I was sooo happy to see him. I had planned on only having my hubby and the doc there when I delivered... the room was full of approximately 15 people - including my mom & dad! I didn't even realize they were there, and was told a few days later. Well, doctor rushes in, nurses hold up scrubs for him to basically run into like in a cartoon, and I got to push. I told them I didn't want to push because I was afraid I was going to tear... Doc kept saying that it wasn't going to happen (he lied - I tore), when LO crowned, I demanded that they either pull her out or push her back in, but she couldn't stay there. Doc politely told me it was my job to push her out ;) She was delivered in a tidal wave of amniotic fluid - the doc was totally and completely drenched, through the scrubs and all. The nurses thought it was hilarious. He said 'its a girl' and hubby and I both said 'are you sure?' lol. We had been team yellow :) Doc apparently got cleaned up before delivering the placenta and stitching me up - I was totally unmedicated but completely out of it anyway with all the adrenaline and rush of things. I wasn't yet officially admitted to the hospital at the time of birth, and apparently everything went down in about 25 minutes. Afterward, my mom came over to me, and I remember the very first thing I said to her was... 'did you have a chance to get my clothes out of the bathroom???'. I was totally obsessed with making sure we didn't leave my clothes there, even though they were basically ratty old sweats!

I'll post my 2nd one later :D


----------



## charlotte-xo

I pooped myself is that funny enough :haha: how embarrasing. I was also asking to see pictures of my dog.
Also when the surgeon came to give me an episiotomy in order to get the ventouse and forcepes up he was really telling me off because i kept pulling my bum back because it reaaaally hurt and the midwife told me after that i actually told him to piss of otherwise i will take the knife and lob it at you lol. i always forget that part but ash likes to remind me that the surgeon wasnt impressed :blush:

<3


----------



## whirlwind

FeistyMom said:


> ... And then proceeded to apologize in between contractions. At one point, she was unsure where the parking garage was - and I said VERY loudly 'HOW THE F**K DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE IT IS!!!!! JESUS F'ING CHRI*T!!' followed by, 'omg, i'm so sorry mom. It is up on the right, just keep in this lane and then F*CK THIS HURTS'.

:rofl:

That's hilarious!


----------



## aley28

I was induced and doing pretty fine for the first part of the labor. Then after they broke my waters, the contractions got REALLY strong and I was shouting like a mad lady. Both my younger sisters informed me that they no longer wanted to have kids. :haha: The doctor came in to check on me and asked if I wanted an epidural, which I had turned down a couple times up to then. I agreed immediately. My husband says, "I thought you didn't want an epidural? Are you sure?" I turn to him and shout, "FUCK YOU, you try to do this without pain meds! Get out!" The nurses all got big eyes and the doctor started chuckling... my husband was thoroughly entertained


----------



## Digby

Oh good lord, I've been laughing som hard at my desk I had to leave the room!


----------



## eulmh82

These are hilarious!!!!! But now I'm very worried about what I'm going to say to my husband during labour! :)


----------



## citymouse

aley28 said:


> My husband says, "I thought you didn't want an epidural? Are you sure?" I turn to him and shout, "FUCK YOU, you try to do this without pain meds! Get out!"

:rofl:


----------



## kimbo46

While I was high on gas and air, the midwife asked if she could examine me. I must of nodded or something but as soon as she put her fingers inside me, I shot into an upright position, looked her in the eye and screamed " get your fucking hand out of my fanny right now!!!" My OH was mortified. The poor midwife shot across to the other side of the room and just said very quitely, " when you feel like you are ready to push, can you please let me know". The poor woman. I think she thought I was going to throttle her.


----------



## tannembaum

:haha:


----------



## Mazzy17

I have been laughing at these and hubby keeps looking at me as though im losing it. So i told HIM to read the thread....he cant waiting to get me preg JUST to get me on G & A!:haha:


----------



## Phantom710

following :) get to add my own in 2 weeks :)


----------



## lillmoo

i pidgeon tried flying into the window when i was drugged up in labour, funniest thing, couldn't stop giggling!!


----------



## shinona

Oh girls, I can't stop laughing, I have tears pouring down my face! I especially love the girl who called her mw a "kinky little minx"! :haha:

I've remembered another couple too. I flirted outrageously with the anaesthetist when he came to do my epidural. His assistant numbed my back with this freezing spray which was amazing as it was so hot outside and I told him I loved him several times. My dh was so embarassed and told me to stop to which I replied "I will not! He has drugs, do you?"

The other mortifying point was being sewn up in theatre after delivering ds by foreceps and chatting through my legs to the doctor who was sewing me up. I insisted I knew her and was asking where she had gone to uni and going through the various people we know who are doctors. :blush:


----------



## jadesh101

stalking and making the place where I had read up to lol xx


----------



## jadesh101

*boingg*


----------



## Phantom710

you can tell i'm nearing birth and have been reading this thread, as last night i had a dream about saying funny things and posting it on here LMAO :rofl:


----------



## Zooy

Haha this was awesome to read! Can't wait to add my own.

I will share one of my moms though since it's one of her favourite to tell. About a year before I was born, my dad had hernia surgery and was really doped up on morphine. The nurse tried to wake him up (he doesn't do well with people touching him suddenly, especially when not in his right mind)and he punched her in the face, so hard she was knocked across the room. 
Well then my birth comes and they are getting all set up and she's being checked on. The first nurse to walk in the room to my mom and dad was the nurse Dad hit. 

She made sure to ask if my mom was as strong as my dad.


----------



## MissFox

OMG hahahyahahaha


----------



## Phantom710

Zooy how funny!!!!


----------



## MillyBert

I went into premature labour at 32+1, so i wasnt alloud off the bed too walk around and with this being my second i wanted to be more active so high as a kite on gas and air i put my hands and legs in the air and did a walking motion whilst laying flat on my back. i then had to have some steroids and pethedine to slow my labour down and what not. i was so high after i kept trying to dance laying on my back .. God knows what they must of thought of me. xx


----------



## Bex84

I bit my OH :wacko: it wasent purposeful lol I was nice to him thoughout labour, I had a strong contraction and my LO was twisting and her elbow was pushing on my bladder he gave me his hand and I was out of it on gas and air, he was very forgiving. While I was in birthing pool (which didnt stay in long I was to hot) I announced I needed a poo :haha: (had diharea whole week before then day I gave birth had constipation) OH said, isnt that a good sign, nope I was constipated and needed an enema. When I had just given birth I needed stitches for episiotomy, midwife said that I would need a tampon to stop blood so she could see, it is bigger than a tampon, when seeing horror on my face she said dont worry you just pushed a baby out this is nothing. I did not want anything up there lol. My OH told everyone that the bed looked like a crime scene off CSI :haha:. I got annoyed at midwife when they said I couldent have gas and air when was pushing LO out lol though I was still quite civil. I was also convinced I would not be noisy, how wrong I was :haha: ah the nievaty of first time mum. I was lucky though and was only in established labour for 7hrs and my LO was worth every second of pain and you do look back and laugh.


----------



## Digby

Oh lord!


----------



## Connah'sMommy

I threw a towel at the midwife this time round...she took her sweet time coming in even though i was screaming at her that i wanted to push...so when she had her back turned faffing around with stuff i threw a towel id been hanging on to for dear life (no idea why....:wacko: It missed unfortunately...old bat she was! xx


----------



## Harleyy

Midwifes: Let's get this baby out then.
Me: Wait what baby? I am here for a boob job. 

Ohh also I told them that I was sorry for it being a bit of a mess down there as I couldnt see, and i asked them to give me a mirror, and id shave it now. 
My midwife was called, Hep, I called her everything, including, herp, durp, turp, in the end I just should ''oi you'' Loool! 
She told me I was the happiest person she'd met at 10cms every and to come back soon! (I got to the hos at 10cms.)
hmm, anther on is, the partner didnt think I was in labour, kept saying 'Shut up and get in bed, its a tummy bug, ive got work in the morning'' 
I shouted at him and he got the idea. 

I had gas and air. lool.


----------



## Mazzy17

When my mum was giving birth to me my Dad was floating around the delivery room getting in peoples way and not being much help. So my mum gets annoyed and shouts "FOR FUCK SACK BILL BE USEFUL OR GET THE FUCK OUT!" My Dad apparently looked like a kicked puppy so midwife took sympathy on him and then Mum rolled her eyes and said "Get down to the business end and enjoy the show" Which had everyone in the room laughing at my Dad. Poor fella


----------



## DarlingMe

Not quite a labor story but as the surgery started I am talking to OH and halfway listening to the rest of the activity in the room. All of the sudden the doc goes, "what the he'll!?!" well of course I was listening then! Turns out he was telling a story and that was what was said, I put it all together after my heart skipped. I then yelled at him and told him to be careful what he is saying as he is cutting into someone's abdomen!!

My dad got pulled over on the way to have me. Of course the cop didn't believe him. He got a ticket and we all went to court the day of the hearing. The judge threw it out.


----------



## DarlingMe

Zooy said:


> Haha this was awesome to read! Can't wait to add my own.
> 
> I will share one of my moms though since it's one of her favourite to tell. About a year before I was born, my dad had hernia surgery and was really doped up on morphine. The nurse tried to wake him up (he doesn't do well with people touching him suddenly, especially when not in his right mind)and he punched her in the face, so hard she was knocked across the room.
> Well then my birth comes and they are getting all set up and she's being checked on. The first nurse to walk in the room to my mom and dad was the nurse Dad hit.
> 
> She made sure to ask if my mom was as strong as my dad.

I am nurse and never wake people up close for this reason!! I usually stand at the foot of the bed and shake the bed a bit or knock loudly if they don't wake. You never know!! I can't believe they had the same nurse. Too funny!


----------



## oox_tasha_xoo

omg these have had me laughing SO MUCH!!!
I havent really got very many funny moments but heres a few random moments during my labour :D :

I knew i was being induced so the night before my induction i decided to make a nice effort and shave my bits, paint my toes and fake tan my legs (god knows why?!?!)
anyway during labour i remember practically in tears to my mum that one of my toe nails varnish had chipped and my feet looked silly :haha: Also moaned that i had streaks down my tan where i had been sweating , really was a bad idea putting tan on!! :haha:

I have a very bad phobia of feet and cant stand my feet being touched... when my midwife touched my foot i nearly booted her in the face.. i couldnt stop apologising but warned her not to touch my foot again :rofl:

And the topper of them all would be when the really cute doctor was stitching me up after birth , me sucking away on the gas and air decided to ask for an extra stitch to make me a virgin again... needless to say he burst out laughing :rofl: xx


----------



## ferens06

> and the topper of them all would be when the really cute doctor was stitching me up after birth , me sucking away on the gas and air decided to ask for an extra stitch to make me a virgin again... Needless to say he burst out laughing :rofl: Xx


:rofl:


----------



## chele

It was several hours after birth and I was changing DS with my open backed gown on, no pants on, a massive maternity towel wedged between my legs and the curtain open. Two women changing the next bed came over and politely asked me to close the curtain or my gown as I was flashing the whole ward. I can't even blame the G&A on that one! I just lost ALL my inhibitions! :rofl:


----------



## NuKe

while getting stitched up afterwards, i tore quite badly and was still on the g&a, the doctor said she had to put a finger up my mum to check for damage up there and i said (high as a kite) "it's ok, I've had worse up there!" :dohh:


----------



## tiger

lol NUKE !!!! :rofl: :shock: :rofl:


----------



## LilSnowflake

Samantha675 said:


> prgirl_cesca said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> NIfirsttimer said:
> 
> 
> onto the loo. while there, transition hit,
> 
> Why do we all seem to hit transition on the toilet?!?! :haha:Click to expand...
> 
> Because it is where our brains are conditioned to let go of control, and our bodies are conditioned to relax down below.Click to expand...

Have you been reading Ina May Gaskin or Natal Hynotherapy? :thumbup: Awesomness! :happydance: x


----------



## LilSnowflake

It was during the last stages of labor with my 1st that the OB was leaning in closer for a better look just as i got a massive urge to push. Good job he was wearing goggles b/c at the same moment the most forceful projectile-pee jetted out of me at 100miles an hr, right on target with his face & upper torso! 
My OH still teases me about what a pressure i managed to get up! - like those games at the fair where you have to squirt down targets with a power-jet of water. He said id definitely have won a cuddly toy for that attempt!


----------



## Blizzard

This thread is wonderful! Scaring the pants off me though. xx


----------



## Leopard

Goodness girls, I cannot decide whether I'm laughing or crying from the hilarity of it. Cannot wait for my little girl to make me stupid xD


----------



## JackiePed

My funny story has to do with DH. He refused to go to any birthing classes, wasn't interested in watching any videos or reading any books... he was fine just 'winging it'.
He was a great labor partner, I have no complaints. He did GREAT. 
But....
He didn't know about the placenta. There he was, cooing and holding our baby girl, and the doc murmured to me to push again, and I pushed hard, which ummm... made it sort of fly out, along with lots of blood. DH JUMPED back in horror and cowered in a corner, exclaiming, "OHH!!!! WHAT the??!?!?!?" He thought I was dying or something. He was pretty white-faced. 

:rofl:

That's what you get for not doing your homework!! :haha:


----------



## MrsPoodle

:haha: OMG that's hilarious!


----------



## JackiePed

LoL.... I still laugh every time I tell that story, and it was 6 years ago! (In fact, I just belly-laughed again re-reading my post above! :haha:) It wouldn't have been SOOOoooo funny if it weren't for the fact that he was so gruff and macho about NOT taking ANY classes or watching ANY videos, reading ANY books, etc.... It was pure pregnant-karma! :rofl:


----------



## tannembaum

I don't think oh knows about the placenta as I had an emcs last time. If my vbac goes to plan I may tell him another baby is coming....just to see the look of horror on his face :haha:


----------



## Emmy1987

I was so high on diamorphine and G&A that I ended up talking about Shakespeare and how I used to do drama... but I was really insistent about it lol. I talked the midwife through all the parts I played when I was younger... poor woman must have been bored to death! It was all babbly-crap though, not a lot made sense lmao.

ETA - I also forgot my OH was with me I was that spaced out, I looked at him and I remember wondering how on earth he got there :dohh: his poor face when I said "I forgot you were here!" bless him :haha:


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## citymouse

JackiePed said:


> LoL.... I still laugh every time I tell that story, and it was 6 years ago! (In fact, I just belly-laughed again re-reading my post above! :haha:) It wouldn't have been SOOOoooo funny if it weren't for the fact that he was so gruff and macho about NOT taking ANY classes or watching ANY videos, reading ANY books, etc.... It was pure pregnant-karma! :rofl:

I told your story to my DH just so he wouldn't get any thoughts of avoiding those classes!


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## Blizzard

citymouse said:


> JackiePed said:
> 
> 
> LoL.... I still laugh every time I tell that story, and it was 6 years ago! (In fact, I just belly-laughed again re-reading my post above! :haha:) It wouldn't have been SOOOoooo funny if it weren't for the fact that he was so gruff and macho about NOT taking ANY classes or watching ANY videos, reading ANY books, etc.... It was pure pregnant-karma! :rofl:
> 
> I told your story to my DH just so he wouldn't get any thoughts of avoiding those classes!Click to expand...

I did the same thing! No missing classes for him. xx


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## rachieroo

These are hilarious... i am trying to remember some of mine, im sure there were some x


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## sma1588

well i had a pretty easy labor and delivery but when i was about to have her i swore i had to poo but she kept telling me it was the head, then im pushing and i look up and catch my mom looking (i told her she couldnt as i didnt even want her in there) so i told her to stop looking as i was in the middle of pushing, then i noticed my leg fat moving like crazy from shaking and told them not to look at my leg fat, then they kept saying 2 more pushes and shes out and that they see the head and i said " u said that like an hour ago!" ugh i was getting so frustrated with every1 and my mom was just pissing me off asking if i was pushing, no crap im pushing how can u not tell!!!!!!!


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## Snufflebump

Had to be induced - epidural

I need a wee, can I go??
Mw- not just now Sophie
( resulted in me holding myself up with arms and legs whilst DH and Mw slipped a wee bowl underneath me!)

Epi stopped working after 10 mins and didn't work after that do was on g&a

6pm - 3cm dialated
6.30pm me - I need to push
Mw- no you don't your not ready
( I repeated a few tiimes) 
Mw - no you don't
DH- Sophie listen to her
Me (looks at Mw) listen to me, I either need to push or I need to poo, and i need to it now!!
Mw checks and announces " we need another nurse, we've got a baby com


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## Snufflebump

Coming 
Me- I told you so ( whilst sticking my Tongue out at her!)

Mum- I can see Esmee's head, aww she has hair

Me (sobbing)- oh god she's ginger isn't she


After birth stitches

me- oh for Fu#k sake your cutting my vagina with your scissors OUCH stopping cutting me!!

Mw- no I'm not, and you've been numbed!!


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## cherryglitter

Emmy1987 said:


> I was so high on diamorphine and G&A that I ended up talking about Shakespeare and how I used to do drama... but I was really insistent about it lol. I talked the midwife through all the parts I played when I was younger... poor woman must have been bored to death! It was all babbly-crap though, not a lot made sense lmao.
> 
> ETA - I also forgot my OH was with me I was that spaced out, I looked at him and I remember wondering how on earth he got there :dohh: his poor face when I said "I forgot you were here!" bless him :haha:

i know exactly what you mean about wondering how your OH got there. 
you just kind of forget! i remember him coming in at like 2 in the morning or something but i also rememebr looking at him like oh i forgot you were here :dohh:


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## babymomma37

Wow these were great!! Ive read them all and hope theres more to come... But i thinnk im a little bit scared now :(


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## Phantom710

YAY I can finally add mine :) lol

1.) My epidural wore off right around the time it was getting serious so I ended up having baby without pain relief and tearing and getting stitched without pain relief as well. :wacko: I remember saying the following once, but my mom who was my coach says I kept repeating it. "They lied. They told me it wouldn't hurt. They lied to me. WHY would they lie to me?" She assumed I meant the nurses, but I was meaning all the ladies I knew who said the epidural worked wonders. lol

2.) The anesthesiologist came in when they first started the epidural, and while they were poking the needle in my back she asked who my doctor was. I told her, and she said she'd pay me $100 if I poo'd on him. :haha:

3.) When the pain meds wore off, the nurse was telling me to push through the pain, I refused push "until you give me something to make it not hurt". She said "Okay, don't push." and walked away. LOL I was sure that would make her do something to fix it (even though she couldn't). Then a few contractions later I felt "the urge" and started to scream "I need to push. I need to push NOW" And she smiles and says "Oh? Now? Okay." Then walks all slowly over to help me. I would have so done the same in her situation.

4.) The other thing was I kept apologizing. I couldn't lift my legs up into the stirrups at one point. "I'm sorry". I also (although I don't remember) kept telling mom and the nurses I was sorry for yelling at them. Although mom tells me I wasn't. :haha: *The doctor was stitching me up, and I even apologized for tearing.* :rofl:

That's all i can remember atm


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## superbecks

These are more embarrasing than funny but with my first daughter I had pethidine....I was laying there with my eyes shut saying I had gone blind and could someone get me an optician.....i was just sleepy lol.

With my second I lay there naked from waist down saying " I can't believe i'm laying with my fat fanny out"!!! The worst part of it is i'm now in my final year of training to be a midwife and work with the two midwives who delivered my daughters, and the second one remembers me!!!


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## hmm

With my labour I was convinced I needed a poo the entire time and I wouldn't let them put the cardboard container in the loo in the end I felt like I needed to poo when I had to deliver the placenta sods law the placenta dropped in the toilet bowl and I had to admit I didnt need a poo like before it was just the babys head this time is just the pressure of the placenta and to add to the story the midwife forgot it was there and my boyfriend had to remind her about my placenta in the loo!


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## leannejkl

with my first daughter i was in so much pain i hit myself on the head with the gas and air handle the midwife was so worried she asked my mum if i was mentally ok, my mum said my hand slipped lol... later as i was pushing i got annoyed and screamed 'IF ITS GOT EARS LIKE ITS DAD THEN PUT YOUR HANDS UP THERE AND FUKING PULL IT OUT!!!'.

my older sister was there at the birth of my son, she has never had any kids and says with my contrations i roared each time getting louder with the length of contrctions, going ggrrrrrrrOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR every 2 mins, when my sons head was coming out my sister looked down there and shouted 'what the fuck is that;.' the midwife replyed, 'the head' lol


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## Trying4num2

Oh my goodness ladies I have been laughing like. Mad-woman!!! These are brilliant. Heres mine:

I got to the hospital and the midwife was checking me and said 'ooh your waters are bulging' before she could finish 'bulging' they exploded all over her and my husband. I have never seen him move as fast &#58386; there was a lot of meconium in there so I was told I would have to be monitored. I was mortified though as it was EVERYWHERE. The midwife went to put her glasses on but as she bent to examine me again they fell off - right into the meconium!!! I had to laugh then!!!

When I was contracting i was silent but talkative in between. My husband had brought a bottle of lemon cordial and water but I just wanted water. He kept offering it me ALL the time and eventually I shouted mid contraction 'if you shove that in my face again I'm going to smack it round your head'! He then proceeded to offer it to anyone who walked through the door, even when the doctor came in to stitch me up, saying 'well she doesn't want it' I was mortified!


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## CelticStar

Ladies this thread is fantastic!

I've been sat here crying with laughter, farting and giggling like a school girl!


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## duckytwins

i have kind of a funny story, but it's not from birth. i had pre-e with the boys, so at the end of my pregnancy, i spent a lot of time in labor and delivery at the hospital, being checked. my dr. said anytime i got a headache, to go in. so one time i went in and some overzealous resident decided she wanted to do an internal. it hurt soooo bad, i was screaming, telling her to stop. after she finally stopped. i yelled, "she is NOT allowed near me again! and from now on, it's EXIT ONLY down there!"


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## Anna2808

I love this thread!

I've got one from my the birth of my first 7 years ago...

I had chosen not to find out gender and to keep it a surprise. Despite this we were all convinced I was carrying a girl and even named her megan. The magical labour day came and my mum was my birthing partner. After a very quick labour I gave birth to a healthy baby. I asked the mw if it was a boy or a girl and she looks to my mum to tell me. In response my mum looks at the baby's bits in shock and exclaims "it's got a willy! Is it a boy?" !!!!!


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## baby2310

Have just read all of these from start to finish, absolutely hilarious.
Could not stop laughing at the one who had a contraction and OH asked if wanted him to pull over and she shouted he'd trapped her f*****g finger in the door, you w****r!Cried over that one, OH had to fetch me a drink to calm down lol.

Slightly more terrified about labour now :)


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## Cazlabump

Just read them all and they made me LOL so much!! As its my first i have no stories of my own. I know a few have commented they are now terrified of labour, im now more relaxed about it, it would appear everything we'd probably be embarressed about the MW's have seen 100's of times before. Bring it on i say!! xxx


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## Jaimie2Eyes

I agree Cazla - sounds like there isn't much I could possibly do to shock a MW. Although this thread does make me wish we had G&A here in the states : )


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## Blizzard

Jaimie2Eyes said:


> I agree Cazla - sounds like there isn't much I could possibly do to shock a MW. Although this thread does make me wish we had G&A here in the states : )

You don't? Gosh, learn something new everyday! Also I really just used the word gosh?! I need to go to sleep! What's your first port of call for pain relief in birth then? Xx


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## duckytwins

Yeah I kind of wish we had it too! I bet I'd be a riot!!! :rofl:


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## midg08

Ohh I love this... Stalking!
When I delivered my DS I was really loopy on Toradol and I went so fast they didn't have time to give me an epidural the "correct" way and they had to administer it differently Im not sure how but the anesthesiologist came in and they told me "this is Ann, Ann is going to be your best friend" I looked at my dr and I was like no the epiduural is my besh friend, then Ann." :) Those aren't typo's I was literally slurring my words. And then towards the end of labor, my dr was like I have to cut you, you are going to tear. I Sat straight up in the stirrups and looked at him and begged him not to cut me! It took my mom and my exhusband to push me back down on the bed. :) I look back now and Im glad they cut me so I didn't tear but at the time it scared the crap outta me to have them cut me lol.


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## midg08

Mazzy17 said:


> When my mum was giving birth to me my Dad was floating around the delivery room getting in peoples way and not being much help. So my mum gets annoyed and shouts "FOR FUCK SACK BILL BE USEFUL OR GET THE FUCK OUT!" My Dad apparently looked like a kicked puppy so midwife took sympathy on him and then Mum rolled her eyes and said "Get down to the business end and enjoy the show" Which had everyone in the room laughing at my Dad. Poor fella

oh haha. My poor dad was wondering around the delivery room lookin all scared and worried. But once we got down to business and labor really started in, my dad bolted. Which was fine, I didn't want him in there.


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## momto4girls

When I was in labor with my 3rd daughter, I remember them telling me not to push, b/c my doctor was coming, he was in the parking lot. I lost it laughing at the mental image of him running across the parking lot (which he was!). Then with my son, when we were driving to the hospital, the on ramp to the highway was closed, and during mid-contraction, my husband slowed down and looked at it and then at me and said "can we even go this way?" To which I responded "who gives a **it! Unless you want your son born in this car, go around the da** cones!" (in a loud screaming voice!) He took my panic seriously, and went anyway. He's lucky he did, b/c I was 7cms arriving at the hospital, and less than 5 minutes later 10cm and on my way to a csection!


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## Vrinda

This was my first time


We have been trying for our baby since 3 years and our joy knew no bounds when I found I was having a baby...

So here it goes at the labor...

I gave birth just a couple of weeks ago and during one of my intense labor contractions, I looked at my husband and as if he knew exactly what I was going to say " Now you cannot go back.. " lol and I kept shouting WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME ..... NOBODY TOLD ME THIS WAS GONNA HURT SO BAD....

Once my nurse came to check me I asked her if I was going to die lol

And then we were both breathing together... yes my husband was breathing along with me almost until I gave birth !!!! 



And things got even funnier... during my push (since I live in a different country with different language) the midwife was instructing me how to push-inhale push exhale- and my husband was translating back in english- it was really funny... 

It was really quick with push, when baby came out, the doctor started stitching me and I was like, what are you doing there? She said episiotomy ahhh, she cut me without telling me before, I didnt really expect that....


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## ingram27

With my first whilst on gas and air another girl started screaming and I remember shouting shut up bitch... This is so unlike me I also ripped my husbands jeans and nearly kicked my mum halfway across the room mid contraction!!! Haha high on gas and air apparently I told everyone that my sister would love labour as when she goes out her legs are always a kimbo!!!!! Pahaha have no idea why I said it as she has a fiancé and her legs aren't always open ooops x x


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## mummydeb

ingram27 said:


> With my first whilst on gas and air another girl started screaming and I remember shouting shut up bitch... This is so unlike me I also ripped my husbands jeans and nearly kicked my mum halfway across the room mid contraction!!! Haha high on gas and air apparently I told everyone that my sister would love labour as when she goes out her legs are always a kimbo!!!!! Pahaha have no idea why I said it as she has a fiancé and her legs aren't always open ooops x x

lmao you turned into a slight psyco then :haha:


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## Jaimie2Eyes

Blizzard - I'm not as educated about U.S. hospital births because I've been planning and working towards a birth center affair. They have some mild narcotics at the birth center but you have to take them fairly early as they won't administer them later in labor. At the hospitals I think an epidural is your main pain relief option - are there any other pain relief options in the states that I've missed?


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## Emma1987

These stories are all hilarious, given me such a laugh reading them!

Now slightly worried about what I'm going to be like in labour!! :haha:


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## whirlwind

superbecks said:


> These are more embarrasing than funny but with my first daughter I had pethidine....I was laying there with my eyes shut saying I had gone blind and could someone get me an optician.....i was just sleepy lol.
> 
> With my second I lay there naked from waist down saying " I can't believe i'm laying with my fat fanny out"!!! The worst part of it is i'm now in my final year of training to be a midwife and work with the two midwives who delivered my daughters, and the second one remembers me!!!

HILARIOUS! I love it! :rofl:


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## muddles

These stories are very funny. 

My labour was somewhat speedy (I didn't realise I was in labour and had only gone to be examined as I had started bleeding) so it all seems funny looking back. 

We arrived at the hospital (6:10am) and my waters broke in the car park in front of a group of blokes smoking. I was then told to go to the loo and get comfy but as I sat down to try and wee I couldn't as I felt this weird pushing sensation so i panicked and then got stuck in the toilet! By the time my H went to get someone I had got myself out of the toilet :rofl: A student was sent to see me as I had been in the hospital less than 5 minutes and she promptly sent for another midwife. I was examined and told was fully dilated :shock: My response to this was 'I can't be in labour and ready to push I haven't had any drugs' :rofl: I was holding my little boy at 6:49am :shock: 

Funniest memory of labour was when I was having stitches (2nd degree tear) and the clamp on the lamp the midwife was pointing at my bits wasn't working so my H had to hold the lamp up whilst trying not to look as he is so squeamish :lol: Then towards the end of them a senior midwife came to check the students work and so I look down and there is my H holding the lamp and trying not to look, a student and a senior person all looking at my bits and discussing them. :rofl: :blush:

Oh and my first question after my son was born (we were on team yellow) wasn't is it a boy or girl it was 'does the baby have hair?' :lol:


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## Phantom710

Jaimie2Eyes said:


> At the hospitals I think an epidural is your main pain relief option - *are there any other pain relief options in the states that I've missed?*

You can have a drug in your IV as well. But those are pretty much it, unless you are going the natural route. A lot of hospitals now provide birthing balls and allow you to be in the shower if you want.


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## katerdid

Omg love this thread, dunno how I never found it before! I just read it start to end while breast feeding and I was trying not to laugh. Ended up laughing at some of them which caused my son to make really angry grunting noises cuz my boob kept jiggling :haha:

I have a few funny stories myself:

The first time I was waiting in triage for pre term labor, there was another lady behind a curtain next to us and she saying "ouch" in this weird moaning voice. I told my husband she was faking it and that I was in real pain and you didn't hear me whining like a cow. He shh'ed me because I apparently said it loud enough to for her to hear! Oops!

I went out to dinner with my friends and they all joked saying my water better not break while we were eating. Low and behold, during dinner I felt really wet all of a sudden. I went to the bathroom and my undies were soaked through to my pants. I was in denial cuz it wasn't the gush everyone describes so I didn't tell anyone, just was glad for dark wash jeans, and made a pad of toilet paper. I even went out for coffee afterwards! I got home a couple hours later, still leaking, and told my hubby who made us go straight to L&D. Sure enough, my waters had ruptured! I sent a txt to my friends: "B****es jinxed me! My water broke!"*

I had black nail polish and heavy makeup from going out and kept apologizing to all my nurses for looking like a tramp.*

The doctor who gave me my epidural had a scrub hat on with my fav sport teams logo. I told him afterwards he was lucky he was wearing it cuz that was the only reason I trusted him.

A couple pushes in, I farted quite loudly in the doctors face. I apologized, then started laughing. My husband was so embarrassed!*


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## Phantom710

lmao Kait-- those are great...hahaha


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## MiissMuffet

midg08 said:


> Ohh I love this... Stalking!
> When I delivered my DS I was really loopy on Toradol and I went so fast they didn't have time to give me an epidural the "correct" way and they had to administer it differently Im not sure how but the anesthesiologist came in and they told me "this is Ann, Ann is going to be your best friend" I looked at my dr and I was like no the epiduural is my besh friend, then Ann." :) Those aren't typo's I was literally slurring my words. And then towards the end of labor, my dr was like I have to cut you, you are going to tear. I Sat straight up in the stirrups and looked at him and begged him not to cut me! It took my mom and my exhusband to push me back down on the bed. :) I look back now and Im glad they cut me so I didn't tear but at the time it scared the crap outta me to have them cut me lol.

lol the doctor said he was giving me an episiotomy i was crying not to do it, please dont do it, he said he had to as he needed to get the vontuse in, and i said no please don't and he was like "i already" have, then i was like oh ok :haha:


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## Charlie_x

omg this thred has just been epic i have sat here all afternoon reading every single page! i have laughed and cried so much!

heres a few from me

With DS1 i was heavy on the gas and air i thought i sounded like Lee Evans so i was "Omigod i sound like Lee Evans" and then id produce to laugh not stop

My other fave one was this jamacian midwife came in (along with my other mw) and she was saying in a very heaverly jamaican accent "You got to push now, let go of da gas and air" she annoyed the hell out of me at the time but we laugh about it all the time

another one was after when they were stitching me up i asked the woman if she could give me an extra stitch she told me she couldnt lol and i remember there was a student midwife in with her and she was just so glum and moody looking and i told her "arent you a moody cow" honestly she looked really young aswell i got major daggers from her for that one

another one during the start of my labour i started screaming cause yaknow thats what i thought you did and my midwife told me to stop screaming pmsl

i also accicdently punched DH the room was spinning and i put my hand out to see if he was moving and accendtly did it the midwife shouted at me after though for hitting him lol

theres loads more but they are the ones i remember the most i haqd DS2 at home so wasnt very eventful


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## Blizzard

Your midmife sounds scary :D xxx


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## puppycat

Oh girls this has been THE funniest thread ever! Thanks for all the laughs!

So some of mine:

When we got to the Midwifery Unit (MLU) I was 2com and sent home - DH was fecking nagging me to go in :growlmad: the second time I was still 2cm so the MW left us saying it'd be an age, an hour later cue me mooing on the bed - MW walks in and hears me immediately runs out 'I'll just go and fill the pool'. Makes me smile looking back.

In the pool DH tells me I kept dropping the G&A in the pool, then when it came to breathing it I kept choking on the water stuck in there. He held it in the end.

The MW was scooping my floaties out, in the end I was picking them up with my hands and handing them to her :haha:

When I had Laura I sat up on the side of the pool for the placenta, they stabbed me in the leg with a needle to bring it on - I was shattered! Cue the MW pulling a little on the cord - it explodes and we're all covered in blood - it was like a horror film but my word I laughed my ass off! It was everywhere!

I do remember kicking DH in the face when he was falling asleep on the bed next to me (double bed) and saying 'don't you f**kin dare!!'


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## vix1972

This has cheered me up no end. Very funny stories. Heres mines from nearly 16 years ago...

Pulled up outside maternity entrance and my mum said oh look they have a lovely xmas tree my reply was sod the bloody tree!

My dad turned up with exhusband and after MW had broken my waters he said he had something to relax me. I followed him out the room and down the corridor and showed me a tank with fish in I gave him a withering look said 'they are fish dad!' and walked back to the delivery room.

At one point I yelled at exhusband that all he was getting for xmas was a box tissues and a pamela anderson poster as he was never getting near me again!

A student midwife kept coming in to monitor me and at one point I sighed loudly and said WTF do you want now! (felt so bad she was a nice person too)

Another MW kept trying to give me a mirror to see the baby's head crowning and after she had said it a few times I said loudly 'ok give me the f**ing mirror anything to shuit you up!' I then got the mirror saw my DD's head prodded it lightly and said urghh loudly.

I was put on a drip to keep me going and kept knocking it out by waving my arms around too much so it was messy. I had a student midwife holding one leg ok and another mw on the other. I am quite flexible and this mw was pushing my leg back so hard and far it hurt for over a day and when she came to see me on the ward I was really surly with her as my leg was only thing that hurt!!!!

Oh and when my DD was on her way out I started begging for a c section as i couldnt do it anymore!!!


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## pk2of8

These really are totally hilarious!!! Thank you, ladies, for sharing these moments! :hugs:

I guess the funniest thing that happened to me was during labor for my ds. I was about 35 and a half weeks and had been struggling with preterm labor for months. We went to the hossy again early that morning for contractions and doc decided to induce as my bp was up dangerously high and not responding to anything to lower it. So they broke my water and within less than 2 hours I was ready to push. Nurse came in and told me to push "a little" to move baby down some while they were waiting for the doc. I poo'ed immediately and I was totally mortified!! I kept apologizing, but the nurse was amazingly sweet and just matter of factly cleaned me up. She got called out of the room after that and before I knew it, I was ready to push ds out completely and I totally freaked out and started screaming at my ex, "he's coming!! He's coming NOW!! he's coming!!" I was completely frantic b/c the doc was only just on the l&d ward. I kept saying that "he's coming" and my ex yelled for the nurse. The nurse ran in and took a look, told me not to push. I just yelled, "what the hell do you mean don't push???" she ran out of the room to get the doc again, came right back with the doc following her. He was still getting his scrubs on. It took one push and ds was out right there...the nurse caught him!! That whole incident probably took a minute. My ex made fun of me for a LONG time after for the "he's coming!!!!!!" statements. 

When I was giving birth to my first, the doc told my ex to look just as the baby's head was crowning...my ex got this horrified expression on his face. He told me later that when he saw the head crowning, it was literally just the crown of dd's head and (his words), he thought that was the full size of her head and that we were having a "midget". 

This is not a labor story, but..... I had preterm labor with all of my pg's and when the every day meds wouldn't hold off the contractions anymore, we had to go to the hossy to get the heavy duty stuff to stop them. Well one time, with my first pg, the doc "snowed" me (gave me a mix of heavy narcotics to stop the labour and knock me out)... Only it didn't knock me out right away. I got very loopy and I recall talking about how amazing it was to see my own hand held out in front of my face. I remember telling my ex to look at it. I also told him to watch how slow my reactions had become and started moving my arms around. I found it fascinating apparently that I could very slowly have a thought and then even more slowly react to it and insisted my ex watch me with this process of "slow reactions" and moving my hand back and forth in front of my face. :haha: I think I still have video of it that my ex took in a box somewhere....


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## FirstLadyM

katerdid said:


> A couple pushes in, I farted quite loudly in the doctors face. I apologized, then started laughing. My husband was so embarrassed!*

LMAO this was hilarious. I literally LOL at work and now everyone is looking at me.

I shouldn't laugh as hard because as gassy as I've been the last few weeks I'm sure to do the same :haha:


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## MiissMuffet

:rofl:


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## midg08

this one isn't a labor story but my ds had 3 surgeries and after the 2nd when he was about 8 months old or so they gave him a pain killer called Stadol (sp?) any ways he slept A lot the first 24 hrs after surgery but when he would wake up he couldn't control his head so it would roll around and his eyes were all dilated because he was as high as a kite. I just remember how funny it was to watch his reactions cause he would stare at things and it made me wonder what exactly he was seeing and the delayed reactions like you were talkin about PK2of8. It really was quiet comical.


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## babydream

Oh My God! I've been sitting here, crying laughing and shaking uncontrollably. Hilarious! Thank you girls. I haven't given birth yet but hopefully i'll have some funny stories next Feb. Although i'm shitting myself now, so bloody scared lol


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## brunette&bubs

babydream...
i just wanna say your EDD was mine last year but I gave birth on feb 7th.

ahhh, the memories :D


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## 1stBump_27

The only half amusing thing from my labour was I was totally out of control and my husband was trying to calm me down. He said 'just think we'll have our gorgeous baby girl with us really soon' - I went mental and said 'I can't think of a [email protected]*$ing baby right now I'm in too much pain'


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## Phantom710

LOL 1st Bump ^^


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## pk2of8

Midg08, yes!! Stadol was one of a mix of drugs they gave me to stop the labor when it got too intense too early. Hilarious!!! :haha: I always got the giggles first and then reacted like what I described before falling asleep. I'm positive I said some ridiculous things whilenhaving the giggles but I don't have a clue what now... :winkwink:


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## lovelylaura

the only funny thing about my labour was wen I was at home and contracting my partner stood in front of me and said massage my back I waited untill my contraction finished and punched him as hard as I could in his back , he sat on the bed and was so shocked lol but after id had my baby he said he ment that I could grab his back while I was having a contraction to help me but it came out wrong bless him


----------



## ayeshasi

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

Lol! Thats so funny! Thnx for sharing!


----------



## Snowball

I announced my waters had gone only to be told I'd infact done a massive wee... all over the bed


----------



## MiissMuffet

Snowball said:


> I announced my waters had gone only to be told I'd infact done a massive wee... all over the bed

aaww :awww:


----------



## HellBunny

When the MW was examining me i farted, oh god.
I still remember o/h embarassing snigger, embarassing that i was his partner :rofl:

I thought i may poo/fart when pushing, but not examining me!!


----------



## k8y

haha these stories had me chuckling. 

with my ds i remember during my labour they swapped staff and the new midwife came in... all i could see was that she looked like a horse.. i kept thinking, my god she has a horse face, and telling myself dont say it out lous dont say it out loud. i thought she left the room and shouted oh my god she well looks like a horse! turns out she was still in the room. lol gas and air! love it 

with y daughter they wheeled my bed through to labour and delivery, and i was moaning i was hungry, my midwife asked the nurse who helped wheel me through if she could get me a sandwich, she huffed as if to say thats not my job!! and said theres only egg there, i said oh thats fine..... meanwhile i start on the gas and air...... WHERES THAT WOMAN WITH MY BLOODY EGG SANDWICH !!!!! I phoned my friend and asked her if she knew where the b***h was who was supposed to be getting my egg sandwich !! Phoned my mum.... Muuuuuum can you make me an egg sandwich !! 

she never did bring my sandwich.. midwife had to get it in the end and it wasnt even egg! it was chicken lol !!! 

next day id totally forgotten about it and my friend wrote on my fb wall... wanna egg sandwich !?


----------



## Blizzard

K8y that is fantastic! Your friend must have laughed at you for weeks :D. Made my day. X


----------



## xBabyGoose

k8y said:


> haha these stories had me chuckling.
> 
> with my ds i remember during my labour they swapped staff and the new midwife came in... all i could see was that she looked like a horse.. i kept thinking, my god she has a horse face, and telling myself dont say it out lous dont say it out loud. i thought she left the room and shouted oh my god she well looks like a horse! turns out she was still in the room. lol gas and air! love it
> 
> with y daughter they wheeled my bed through to labour and delivery, and i was moaning i was hungry, my midwife asked the nurse who helped wheel me through if she could get me a sandwich, she huffed as if to say thats not my job!! and said theres only egg there, i said oh thats fine..... meanwhile i start on the gas and air...... WHERES THAT WOMAN WITH MY BLOODY EGG SANDWICH !!!!! I phoned my friend and asked her if she knew where the b***h was who was supposed to be getting my egg sandwich !! Phoned my mum.... Muuuuuum can you make me an egg sandwich !!
> 
> she never did bring my sandwich.. midwife had to get it in the end and it wasnt even egg! it was chicken lol !!!
> 
> next day id totally forgotten about it and my friend wrote on my fb wall... wanna egg sandwich !?

OMG I laughed SOOO hard at this I thought I had brought on labour myself I was in that much pain! Thank you for this I really needed cheering up tonight!!


----------



## Mummyjohnson

My hubby got caught with me in the birthing pool by the matron. He had to get out in front of her, just wearing his flourescent budgie smugglers!! 

(He was in there because I demanded he get in to rub my back -whilst the midwives had dissapeared out of the room.)


----------



## shinona

Mummyjohnson said:


> My hubby got caught with me in the birthing pool by the matron. He had to get out in front of her, just wearing his flourescent budgie smugglers!!
> 
> (He was in there because I demanded he get in to rub my back -whilst the midwives had dissapeared out of the room.)

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Blizzard

mummyjohnson said:


> flourescent budgie smugglers!!

hahahahahahaha!!!


----------



## Ashlee B x

I remember bein in well established labour with DS and had been pushing for a while so the MW decided to put my legs in those stirrups things, By this time id been in labour around 6 hours and it was about 7.30 in the morn and really quite bright outside, so anyway ive got my legs on stirrups and pushing again when i noticed the gardener bobbing past the room window... He looked in and looked horrified at what he saw, he sure turned his head and walked off VERY quickly lol. That had me chuckling for days after lol


----------



## xloulabellex

2RockinBoys said:


> OMG i totally forgot about this!!
> When my son's head started crowning,
> MW said, 'oh that's really good, keep going, we can see the head',
> to which i cried out 'IS IT GINGER?!!',
> and my OH responded, 'I can't tell, it's covered in blood!'
> :dohh:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

OMG OMG OMG I'M SAT AT MY DESK.. AT WORK, PRETENDING I'M WORKING BUT ALL OF THESE ARE JUST MAKING ME GIGGLE!! haah XXxxx


----------



## xloulabellex

lazydaisy2011 said:


> midwife telling me to push and i wanted to take a little nap and finish it later lol And when the head came out and she tried to take my gas and air so i could concentrate, and i looked at her name tag pulled it close said her name and told her " take that from me and i will be googling and hunting you down, more water please" pmsl
> Oh and there was the internal to see how many cm's i was how i apparently winked at her and called her a kinky little minx wtf lol

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
AHHAHAHAHAAHA
HAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Jeez, all of this had me cackling at my desk!! xx


----------



## xloulabellex

mummyflanagan said:


> when DD was crowning i thought it would be a good idea to feel her head and got gunk all over my hand i looked at it and wiped it down DH white top saying thats f**king minging!


LOL!


----------



## Nvr2Late

2RockinBoys said:


> :happydance:
> Here's a story to keep you smiling!
> Gas and Air had a perculiar effect on me. A case of 'Talking with no control'. I was very aware of what i was saying, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it!! It was the following...
> 
> "We have to put the flavour in the bubble gum"
> 
> "All the celebrities have fruit for faces"
> 
> Midwife-"You need to push
> Me-"I cant"
> Midwife-"Why not?"
> Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
> Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
> (And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)
> 
> Also, after having Auron, being so tired with the long intence labour i passed out (i remember having him put on me and staring at him, next thing i knew it was 4hours later...) Anywho, the midwife came in and started talking to me, to be told by my partner that i was actually asleep as my eye's were partially open :dohh:


OMG, I almost wet myself reading this!!! THANKS!


----------



## Charlie_x

omg girls these new ones are great!


----------



## o0oCharlieo0o

lol these are fantastic, i never really had any really embarassing labour stories, maybe this time i will lol, but with my first baby i did have something embarassing after birth lol, a man come in to do my stitches and he unexpectedly shoved his finger up my bum (being my first baby i never knew they did this and i wasnt forewarned and that was the first thing thats ever been up there LOL) i must have leaped 3 foot in the air, headbutted the metal headboard and everything lol

oh and with my second son, i was on the bed on my knees and it really hurt but they made me stay this way, so i lied and said i wanted to go to the toilet, i sat on that toilet with my g&a and mw kept askin me to go back to the bed but i refused because they said i had to go back on my knees lol, then all of a sudden i said 'HES COMIN' and had to waddle back to the bed nearly crowning lol!! 6 mins later he was born


----------



## MiissMuffet

A couple days after I had my wee girl i had a blood transfusion. My sister was there and I was sleeping. Apparently (and i do remember this vaguely) a nurse came in to change my line as i was sleeping and said "can i please borrow your arm" and i said in the most innocent sleepy voice "yup but i might need it back later" :dohh: My sis wont shut up about it :haha:


----------



## Tantan

when I had my first it was an emergency Section and I was put to sleep. When I came through I was talking to my sister on the phone and I kept telling her that I had a baby. Didn't tell her it was a boy (even though I knew). Then I told her "ha,ha I'm skinnier than her now" (the drug done magically things)


----------



## hawalkden

First one for me was which makes me giggles. I was on diamorphine and was in and out of sleep due to the contractions coming every 6/7 minutes I was just about to go to sleep again the midwife went out the room and OH went to the toilet. 
Next thing I woke up trying to find the gas and air and then realising I was on my own. I was shouting for OH; he was saying I'm okay though the bathroom door and rushing to wash his hands. Then when he came back into the room the contraction had eased off and all I said to him was in a mini baby moan 'you left me!' then I cried and fell back asleep! 

Next one was again the diamorphine was making me sleepy and the midwife wanted me for something but when she woke me up I coward so high up the bed and held onto the bed guards and screamed. My face was pure shock and my heart rate went sky high. OH was laughing so hard after my adrenaline dropped I gave him the worse look ever imaginative. He didn't do anything just said sorry and I still don't know why she woke me up! 

Finally after getting to 8cm (8hours of labour, impressive for first apparently) we got rushed to theatre due to Peanuts heart rate dropping. When they got him out with the forceps. The consultant didn't tell us what it was and it was up to OH telling me.

When he went over to the baby area all I heard rather loud was 'Jesus he has huge balls!' the consultant stitching me up stopped stitching for a moment and laughed then carried on but the whole theatre went silent for a second. So I thought when he said that. That we had a boy!


----------



## aley28

hawalkden said:


> When he went over to the baby area all I heard rather loud was 'Jesus he has huge balls!' the consultant stitching me up stopped stitching for a moment and laughed then carried on but the whole theatre went silent for a second. So I thought when he said that. That we had a boy!

I don't know what it is with men... :rofl: When my husband was calling people about the birth of our son, I heard this over and over again:
"He was born Tuesday morning. She's doing fine. We named him Ethan. He has HUGE balls!" Seriously... for weeks... :rofl:

Then a friend of ours had a son, and we went to the hospital to visit them. Blah blah blah, talking about how much he weighed when he was born and stuff when the new daddy says, "I am so proud! This kid has an enormous set of balls!" And, seriously... he looked fit to burst with pride. :rofl:


----------



## MissFox

:rofl: my BIL said "WOW! HES AS BIG AS I AM!" when he first saw his son's junk. :haha: He also said "sorry kid, that's as big as it gets" :haha: :rofl:


----------



## Leopard

G&A is awesome, absolutely loved it. Not really funny, but after I pushed LO out, OH was supposed to cut the cord, he was standing there kind of out of it and I told the midwife we was supposed to cut the cord, so she handed him the scissors, he stared at them for a full minute before it clicked what it was.

Oh and when they first showed me LO my first comment was 'oh she's cuter then I expected!' :haha:


----------



## MarcsMrs

Well girls you have cheered me up no end!!! Stuck in bed with high BP & spent all afternoon reading this thread!!!


----------



## griffinh

im in the tww and i have to say i spent my whole evening wetting myself laughing with these! xx


----------



## bumphenders

I totally love all of these, Trying my hardest not to laugh out loud while i was reading these at half 5 this morning.

Its safe to say in April when I have LO I'll have a far few stories to tell :)

Thanks for sharing..They have made me a little less scared of labour haha

:flow:


----------



## Whitbit22

So glad I read these.. thanks ladies! Have to subscribe now :haha:


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## mcsmyth1

Lol I read this whole thread the other night and nearly woke OH up from laughing so loudly. It's great to be able to find humour in what is maybe the biggest and sometimes scariest experience in our lives...

I have not given birth (but really looking forward to it!) but I thought I could share a story about my mum when she was having me (1989).

My mum was 19 at the time and has such a low pain threshold its unreal. They gave her all sorts, pethadine, diamorphine, gas and air, epi which didnt work, so the MW's decided she would have to be knocked out as I was down the birthing canal but mum couldnt push me out.

So mum wakes up the next day to see me and I've a head like a rugby ball from the forceps, and the MW's gave her some pain relief. Apparently while a friend of hers (also in giving birth) passed my mums room, she was sitting up doing breathing exercises trying to push out a baby she had already had.


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## gypsy1981

Just subscribing to this thread as I think it's hilarious :) Can't wait to give birth to my baby and experience all of this for myself!


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## Skippy54

I gave birth to my beautiful little girl 2 weeks ago and while trying to push her out they put my legs in stirrups, when I seen my feet I burst out crying cause I hadn't painted my toe nails! Also, as the baby crowned, my OH thought it would be funny to tell me the baby was ginger, to which I scream at him to f*ck off and I completely refused to push anymore until my MW and sister reassured me the baby wasn't ginger (sorry if that offends any ginger people, but the joys of being high on gas and air huh?) :blush:


----------



## ayeshasi

Haha, fantastic!


----------



## Nimbus

oh packed some random cds for us... first one he selected was a random mix, turned out to be super old...

man i feel like a woman, shania twain... 

mid contraction, first puff on gas and air, my reaction was to tell him no with my lowered gas induced voice... very funny. :wacko:


----------



## leigh5tom

I haven't given birth yet, but my mum tells me when she had me, she was all light headed from the gas and air, and the midwife was asking her a question, but she just kept shouting out 'THE FISH ARE FLAPPING!!!' hahahaha :') think I'll shout it out whilst I'm in labour just to take the piss hahah xxxxx


----------



## AmyR

Haha! With me my water broke and sent me into INSANE contractions right at shift change for the nurses, I was bent over the head of the hospital bed sucking in laughing gas and my WHOLE butt was out and in the air so my new nurse met me that way for the first time and I remember saying in between 2 horrible contractions "Im sorry you had to see me this way" HAHAHAHA!


----------



## mandwrx

During my 2nd labour, the birthing rooms were full and I was labouring on the sofa in the waiting room, feeling very uncomfortable. My mother arrived and had brought my 3 year old half-brother with her. It was 3am and he was understandably grizzly demanding and cranky. I was completely outraged - who brings their child to a birth? and wanted to kick him. Honestly, every time he cried and whinged I imagined kicking him and tried to stretch out my legs as far as I could toward him during every contraction. Fortunately my labour only lasted 3 hours and I never kicked any children :)


----------



## lesleyann

Nothing funny to add, dont no if im happy about that or not :haha: but I still love reading these stories!!

The only thing I could add is I had a homebirth, so the midwife asked Oh to hold the light so she could check to see if i needed stiches, after he told me there are certain things a partner should never do :haha: even though he watched her be born and was fine with that bit


----------



## lins86

Oh my god I love this thread! I don't have any funny stories yet (maybe in June when my LO is due!) but am subscribing to this thread immediately!!!!! Keep 'em coming! xx


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## SmallTownUSA

OK, it's taken me all day to read through these, but well worth it! All of your stories have been very inspiring. It's amazing how it's human nature to find hilarity in the most serious of situtations. 

It's been 10 years since my first/last baby, but I think I can vaguely remember... :haha:

I was about 1 hour into my pushing (I think I ended up having to push for 2 hours...very tiring) when I hear a nurse say "Uh oh!" I panic a bit thinking that something has gone horribly wrong only to see a nurse rushing towards my MOM (who had been holding my right leg for me). She grabs my mom by the shoulders and walks her over to the couch to sit down...apparently she had been about to pass out :headspin: because she was trying to breath through my contractions FOR ME!!! LOL, I'm thinking c'mon Mom, you don't need to be the center of attention ALL the time!!!

Keep the stories coming!


----------



## Sandy1222

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

:haha::haha: LMAO!!!! i think i would have said the same thing!!


----------



## redstiletto

A few hours after my LO was born I was given percocet for the afterpains. Well, DH invited our ENTIRE family and friends and even their friends came to visit. Hubby is an RN at the hospital I gave birth to so they were very relaxed with us and did not give us any limitations. I swear there was like 30 people in my room at once. While everyone was playing "pass the baby," I got really really nauseous and vomited over everything. Gross. I was mortified. Then I realized I had forgotten to close the bathroom door and I think a few people saw the bloody mess I left in there. It was a murder scene lol. I was mortified!


----------



## crazylilth1ng

scoobymum said:


> Tee hee, these are very funny!
> Mine is more of a post baby story, I had a third degree tear and had really bad uncontrollable wind for a while, about 3 days after birth the midwife came round to check my stitches.
> I has to lie on my side and she lifted my bum cheek, yep you guessed it, I trumpt right in her face! Was mortified...


Awww Hun, I feel your pain.

when I had Sofia, I was examined and pronounced 7cm. One contraction later my babys heart rate dipped so they rolled me onto my left side. With the next contraction I felt her drop into the birth canal and was pushing uncontrollably. The midwife thought that I was pushing too soon due to only being at 7 literally minutes ag so she lifted my right leg to take a look, bent down and I let rip/farted (accidentally of course) right in her face! 

I was mortified, but I don't think she cared as I was right and the head WAS coming!


----------



## cahgirl87

I remember reading this thread last week and thought I would add my my story since I just gave birth yesterday :)

When I got to the Birth Cottage the only place I really wanted to be was in the bathroom. I would lay down on the bed but every time I would have a contraction I would get up and go to the bathroom. At one point I was sitting on the toliet and started yelling pretty loudly... I felt like I needed to poo and then the feeling just kind of went to the front. So the student midwife came in and when she saw me she asked me if I was pushing. I was but looked right at her and said 'no, I'm not pushing'... It was quite obvious that was a lie and when the other midwife came in and asked if I was pushing I again said 'no'. She gave me a weird look and then I said 'ok, maybe I am pushing a little bit'. I have no idea why I didn't just say yes in the first place.

Another moment was when I was in transition and was thrashing around like a crazy person... I was holding on to my OH's arm/hand and grabbed it close to me and started biting him... The midwife told me 'no biting!' Lol

When my LO was crowning my mom exclaimed 'oh my gosh... he has so much hair!' I looked up at her from my contraction and told her to 'Shut up!' Oops, sorry mom! haha... when I was pushing I just wanted complete silence.


----------



## mummydeb

well had my baby boy 2wks ago and only embarrasing story i have was i pooped several times, i was well aware i did it aswell took an hour to push him out and every time i tried i just kept saying ' omg i just pooed again' i only had gas and air but i swear it made me strange for an hour after, as mil and sil came in half hour after i had him and i told them i kept pooing :blush: so ashamed lol asked bf if he seen and he so kindly told me no but he smelt it :(


----------



## MiissMuffet

mandwrx said:


> During my 2nd labour, the birthing rooms were full and I was labouring on the sofa in the waiting room, feeling very uncomfortable. My mother arrived and had brought my 3 year old half-brother with her. It was 3am and he was understandably grizzly demanding and cranky. I was completely outraged - who brings their child to a birth? and wanted to kick him. Honestly, every time he cried and whinged I imagined kicking him and tried to stretch out my legs as far as I could toward him during every contraction. Fortunately my labour only lasted 3 hours and I never kicked any children :)

lol thats funny :lol:


----------



## pumpkin613

Thank you for the stories ladies. It definitely is making me feel better about birth. I hope to have a funny story of my own within the week.


----------



## NaturalMomma

With ds2 we had a homebirth and when I was pushing I was standing in my living room and my DH was behind me helping to support my perineum. Before ds2's head came out I pooped right in DH's face, his face was literally an inch away and it landed basically in his lap. The MW just scooped it up with a towel. After I birthed ds2 and my placenta came out we went to the bedroom. That was the first time I saw DH's pants and I said "wow, I sure did make a mess on you". His pants had a lot of fluid on them, which I can only assume is amniotic fluid and pee, I know I peed a few times. There was no blood on him though as I hardly bled. He still has his pants and we call them the Birth'n Jeans.


----------



## Lownthwaite

These are brilliant! I've not got time to post mine now but will come back when I do! :haha:


----------



## whirlwind

I had just given birth w/ no drugs/epidural and was pushing out the placenta. i noticed that OH had a very shocked look on his face as doctor was pulling on the cord, the placenta slid out as i pushed and I cried out a bit as it hurt. Later on he told me that he thought doctor was pulling out my intestines and guts and he nearly passed out. I laughed so hard, then started crying because laughing made my very sore hoo-ha throb in pain :dohh:


----------



## pipsbabybean

whirlwind said:


> I had just given birth w/ no drugs/epidural and was pushing out the placenta. i noticed that OH had a very shocked look on his face as doctor was pulling on the cord, the placenta slid out as i pushed and I cried out a bit as it hurt. Later on he told me that he thought doctor was pulling out my intestines and guts and he nearly passed out. I laughed so hard, then started crying because laughing made my very sore hoo-ha throb in pain :dohh:


these men.. haha bless him gotta laugh aint ya x


----------



## AimeeM

whirlwind said:


> I had just given birth w/ no drugs/epidural and was pushing out the placenta. i noticed that OH had a very shocked look on his face as doctor was pulling on the cord, the placenta slid out as i pushed and I cried out a bit as it hurt. Later on he told me that he thought doctor was pulling out my intestines and guts and he nearly passed out. I laughed so hard, then started crying because laughing made my very sore hoo-ha throb in pain :dohh:

Now that is just too funny! I can see the resemblance to someone who doesnt know what a placenta looks like though :rofl:


----------



## momofone08

When I had my csection with my DD, I had a moment. I saw the HUGE needle they used for the spinal, and burst into histeric tears and told the doc that she could just stay in. He replied with " I had a prostate exam yesterday, thats pain what are u complaining about ?"


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

Not really embarrasing for me but still

When the dr was putting in the canula thingy for my drip, she made a bit of a oops & my poor mum, who is terrified of needles looked at my hand to see blood spurting out of my hand & down my arm. 

The dr then asks my mom to hold something to stop the blood while she changed something. (I was a tad out of it & not paying much attention :D) My mom fair nearly passed out bless her, she did it though  Brave lady, needed a sit down afterwards though. 

Oh also... my mum was my early warning system for my contractions, everytime she sat down one started :haha: I think my labour was harder for her than me :D


----------



## MiissMuffet

Oh your poor mum lol!

i had a loong labour and in between pushes mum sat on the chair and had a nap, her eyes would start drooping and her head would nop foward then they would say right lets try again, she would snap back up and come stand by me, and then i would stop pushing and she would sit back down and it happened all over again :haha:

She also thought she would be nice and open a packet of jellybeans and they exploded all over the floor :rofl:


----------



## ellebelle

I don't know what was affecting me most: a shot of morphine or my utter exhaustion, but it took me over an hour and a half to push out my twins and I remember part way through apologizing profusely for "having such a BORING birth".


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

Oh, another one for my mum, I had a lovely midwife and a horrible one that kept popping in. Anyhow, she looks in to ask how I am & I say I'm fine & my mom says she's feeding me. Horrible midwife snaps her head off telling her I mustn't eat in case I have to go to theatre. My mom is there like... she's had no sleep since tuesday, it's now Friday & she's knackered, she needs energy. Horrible midwife is like NO FOOD! 

All that over a frigging custard creme! 

I didn't go to theatre & it took them 3 hours once he was born to get me any food. I was not impressed


----------



## MiissMuffet

BrokenfoREVer said:


> Oh, another one for my mum, I had a lovely midwife and a horrible one that kept popping in. Anyhow, she looks in to ask how I am & I say I'm fine & my mom says she's feeding me. Horrible midwife snaps her head off telling her I mustn't eat in case I have to go to theatre. My mom is there like... she's had no sleep since tuesday, it's now Friday & she's knackered, she needs energy. Horrible midwife is like NO FOOD!
> 
> All that over a frigging custard creme!
> 
> I didn't go to theatre & it took them 3 hours once he was born to get me any food. I was not impressed

mean lady! lots of ladies snack while in labour!!


----------



## pipsbabybean

i got a quick one to add.. my dh was taking my tens machine off so i could get in the pool.. turned it UP instead of OFF didnt he... well any one who has used one or an abs belt will no just what i mean.. thank god i wasnt having a contraction at the time . he got the filthiest look afterwards the bugger!!


----------



## OliviaRae

mummyflanagan said:


> walking into the entrance of the hosptial my DH stood on the back of my flip flop by accident and i almost fell over right outside the security office so i grabbed his nipple n growled at him.

:rofl: hahaha!


----------



## katerdid

Keep 'em coming ladies!!


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## Whitbit22

BrokenfoREVer said:


> Oh, another one for my mum, I had a lovely midwife and a horrible one that kept popping in. Anyhow, she looks in to ask how I am & I say I'm fine & my mom says she's feeding me. Horrible midwife snaps her head off telling her I mustn't eat in case I have to go to theatre. My mom is there like... she's had no sleep since tuesday, it's now Friday & she's knackered, she needs energy. Horrible midwife is like NO FOOD!
> 
> All that over a frigging custard creme!
> 
> I didn't go to theatre & it took them 3 hours once he was born to get me any food. I was not impressed

:dohh: It is very important to eat in labor! The only reason they used to withold food is because of the anesthesia they used during C-sections. They now routinely use epidurals, definitely not knocking you out! Mean people!!


----------



## MissFox

My EMCS was with GA. After 2 failed epidural and failed spinal.so it sometimes is a good thing to not eat.


----------



## jess1983

I just love these stories can't wait until I have another one to put on here :)


----------



## stardust599

MissFox said:


> My encamped was with GA. After 2 failed epidural and failed spinal.so it sometimes is a good thing to not eat.



Yes, humans and animals naturally fast for labour too. Most mammals will go off their food for a day or two before labour begins.

Of course if you are having a very long and difficult early labour you need to have some light, energising snacks to keep you going!


----------



## frangi33

I've not got any to add yet but am loving these - its nice to be a little light hearted I think sometimes


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## MrsH1980

In the throes of labour and high on gas and air I looked at my husband quite seriously and told him to ask John Travolta to get me a cold sprite from the machine XD


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## Gemmamuk

I was induced 5 weeks ago and after ten hours had asked for a bath to ease my back pain.
The nurse ran it and took me into the room and she left. I got in and it was Luke warm - how was that gonna help??? So I let the water out and ran a normal temperature bath lol!!! :happydance:

Id felt sick earlier on with the pain, and Later on in the night whilst in the bath, I called my oh and asked for the sick bowl and started vomiting violently. My oh panicked and was looking around and instead of pressing the call nurse button, pulled the emergency cord - and ten seconds later about 15 people came running into the bathroom to find me completely naked in my hot bath puking into a bowl :blush:

3 days later I woke in the morning to see my consultant at the foot of my bed. She said that next time I fall pregnant to call her secretary rather than wait for a referral. I said thank you very much and she laughed so I asked what was so funny and she said that on the night of delivery when she mentioned next one I told her to piss off as I'd be adopting the next one!! Lol :dohh:

I also seemed to develop a severe case of Tourette's while having the epidural put in lol! :shrug::wacko::blush:


----------



## LisK

Gemmamuk said:


> My oh panicked and was looking around and instead of pressing the call nurse button, pulled the emergency cord - and ten seconds later about 15 people came running into the bathroom to find me completely naked in my hot bath puking into a bowl :blush:

Haha OMG I would have strangled my husband if he did that.


----------



## pinkribbon

2RockinBoys said:


> :happydance:
> Here's a story to keep you smiling!
> Gas and Air had a perculiar effect on me. A case of 'Talking with no control'. I was very aware of what i was saying, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it!! It was the following...
> 
> "We have to put the flavour in the bubble gum"
> 
> "All the celebrities have fruit for faces"
> 
> Midwife-"You need to push
> Me-"I cant"
> Midwife-"Why not?"
> Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
> Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
> (And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)
> 
> Also, after having Auron, being so tired with the long intence labour i passed out (i remember having him put on me and staring at him, next thing i knew it was 4hours later...) Anywho, the midwife came in and started talking to me, to be told by my partner that i was actually asleep as my eye's were partially open :dohh:

I had a moment like that! Only mine was something along the lines of:

"myleen klass is trying to steal the limelight do you not agree" 

Strange considering everyone was quiet and I just came out with that :haha:


----------



## Leah and Ty

With Sierra I was in labour for 19hrs. I decided to have a natural birth, no drugs. And boy do I regret it! I was apparently very amusing to all the staff! I can't remember exactly what I said, but my friend who delivered Sierra, and also delivered my nephew said I came out with the funniest things. The typical "You did this to me" kinda thing directed at my hubby, whilst pulling very strange faces! And then the midwife said I was soing great, and I snapped back at her "Well explain great to me, cause you always fucking seem to say to all the fucking women are doing great! And If I were doing great this bloody watermelon would be outta me by now!!!!" and then a little while later when they could see the head my hubby jokingly said "It's octuplets honey" and I screamed back at him "Octuplets! Octuplets!!!! For fuck sake Tyler you shithead! Take this seriously or go crawl in to a hole and die". 
I was a very angry person when I was in labour, as you can tell!
Oh and also, Ty wanted to film everything. And as we were leaving the house to go to the hospital Ty had the camcorder out filming instead of helping me up into our cherokee. So I screamed at him" Ty, help me into the car or else i'll shove that camera where the sun don't shine!!!!!".............. Can't wait to show that video to Sierra. I'm pretty sure Ty filmed Sierras birth too, not sure what exactlyy he caught on camera. But i'm guessing he has some pretty funny stuff!
I'm pretty sure my hubby loves his cameras more than me!


----------



## Creative

finally got to the end of this amazing thread. This is the stuff books are made of!
Thanks for all your funny stories.

Here are mine:

baby one: I was a nurse at the same hospital I had my baby in. Having gone through labour and torn quite badly, on g&A and I was told that a doctor would have to stitch me up, so I am draped and stirruped and awaiting a doctor. The door opened and in walked the doctor of my dreams (he was so good looking and we all thought he was adonis) I said "I'm so glad it's you G, I've always thought you were amazing" then reality dawned on me about where he was going and what he was there to do and I started screeching "get out you can't see that bit" Needles to say, he ended up stitching me up and told me it was ok, he'd "still respect me in the morning"

Baby two: I was pissed off at having to be in hospital with a MW who wanted me flat on my back and doing exactly what she said i should, rather than what nature told me to do. I told her I was ready to push, she told me I wasn't and that I musn't, so I didn't, but when she eventually turned to me and said ok you can push now, I very sarcastically made a puffing sound and said "there you go, another of your orders followed" I kept going pffft and my Oh was getting really embarrassed and kept telling me to push properly and it was only when they threatened to get forceps that I pushed him out in two pushes!

Baby three: Homebirth. I called the MW quite late and they came hurtling in one after another at one in the morning. The second one said "just hang on for one minute, I didn't have time to pop on my underskirt and out of her pocket she pulled said garment and proceed to put it on as my baby's head was emerging.


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## HubscheFrau

When my mother was giving birth to me and on the way to the hospital, it was New Years Eve, so of course there were no stores open between home and the hospital. My dad got really bad diarrhea on the way there and stopped at a gas station (which was closed) while my mom sat labouring in the car. He stood there for 20 minutes banging on the door, begging the workers inside to let him in and wound up paying them to open the doors so he could use their bathroom!


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## tannembaum

Wow! I would have been shouting at him to do it in a bush! Lol


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## mum2millsxx

These were all brilliant Iv sat here and laughed my way through them all :) xxx


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## rockabillymom

2RockinBoys said:


> :happydance:
> Here's a story to keep you smiling!
> Gas and Air had a perculiar effect on me. A case of 'Talking with no control'. I was very aware of what i was saying, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it!! It was the following...
> 
> "We have to put the flavour in the bubble gum"
> 
> "All the celebrities have fruit for faces"
> 
> Midwife-"You need to push
> Me-"I cant"
> Midwife-"Why not?"
> Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
> Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
> (And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)
> 
> Also, after having Auron, being so tired with the long intence labour i passed out (i remember having him put on me and staring at him, next thing i knew it was 4hours later...) Anywho, the midwife came in and started talking to me, to be told by my partner that i was actually asleep as my eye's were partially open :dohh:

Omg I laughed so hard at this water came out my nose!


----------



## Emma&Freya

When I was on the gas and air I was pretending to be Darth Vader haha, my OH and midwife were laughing


----------



## laura3103

with my first i shouted at the midwife cause i said i need to go toilet and she told me it was just pressure when i knew i needed to poop so i told her dont tell me when i need the toilet or not i'm going ( i was connected to the machine.x)

with my little boy i was on the hormone drip and resting between contractions and i woke myself up by doing a loud fart lol. also when the doctor came in to give me a canular he really hurt me so i asked him how many times he had done it and when he said over 400 times i said done get adding noughts you mean 4 cause you are shit little did i know is when i was rushed down to have my EMCS he would be the one helping to deliever my baby ( CRINGE )


----------



## littlelady23

watching OBEM has inspired me to write my funny stories. 


i was given diamorphine which just sent me crazy (i loved it!) when we were taken down to the labour ward, we put my ipod in and listened to some music. I was lying in the bed, with my arms in the air, swaying them to the music, with my eyes closed (at 6cm dialated!) OH said that i said 'god I feel like im in the dilly!' the dilly is a nightclub i used to go to when I was like 17 lol! 

I also told OH that when my waters broke, it was a lot more water than i expected, that i was swimming in it and then proceeded to swim through the air. 

I got given G&A, which was rubbish, just made my voice really deep, apparantly like charlie dimmock. i kept on saying I felt like charlie dimmock. yes charlie dimmock the female gardener with no bra. god knows where my brain thought that one up. 

a few hours later when the diamorphine was wearing off and things were a lot less fun, i was waiting on the anaethitist to give me remyfentonal (a painkiller i would advise anyone to avoid, it was SHITE! and ran out just before pushing) and i kept on calling the anaethitist 'the man' as in 'where is the man with my drugs, can you get the man to hurry up'. my mw went on a break so another mw stepped in to cover her, a lovely small african women. OH said i just looked up at her as she walked into the room and asked 'are you the man?' she simply replied, no dear, lol! 

i wasnt allowed anything to drink other than water but was absolutely dying for something fizzy for a bit of energy. i kept on waiting till the mws back was turned and 'sneakily' saying to my mum and OH "go on, give me a bit of that coke, she wont see!" 

and a funny one from my mum - the mw kept asking how sore things were on a scale on 1-10 and i kept saying 10 (purely because I had forgotten any other numbers), at one point she asked and I said 10 and my mum said 'no shes not, shes a 4!' how the hell would she know lol! 

finally, when i was pushing OH kept saying "put your chin on your chest" and after one long push i told him that if he told me to put my chin on my chest one more time i'd be putting my head in his face. 

it all seems funny now but at the time it wasn't!


----------



## tinkerbelle93

During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!' 

Poor man! xx


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

tinkerbelle93 said:


> During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!'
> 
> Poor man! xx

LMAO! Oh my god, your poor OH. that is hella funny though


----------



## cassarita

Omg these are all amazing!


----------



## katerdid

BrokenfoREVer said:


> tinkerbelle93 said:
> 
> 
> During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!'
> 
> Poor man! xx
> 
> LMAO! Oh my god, your poor OH. that is hella funny thoughClick to expand...

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## MiissMuffet

I had a section so i didnt end up with many funny stories. Although i did get g & a when they put in the spinal as i was paniking and crying (very scared). I just remember laughing and the guy had to keep turning it up and down because my laughing made me move too much for them to do the spinal.

Not something i did myself- but when they broke my waters they flooded the table and evryone did a mad jump backwards (i had lots of fluid), and i got soaked up to my neck so they had to change me in theatre :haha:

I was feeling abit out of it and i remember trying to be funny when her head was out they said "she has lots of dark hair" and I said "is she dan's"? lol oops- wasn't funny. And i remember saying something about "has anyone ever said this feels nice? like an internal massage" what an egg lol.


----------



## stardust599

I can only remember a few. I was very rude and upset in labour but it's a bit funny to look back on now. I'm normally a very quiet, polite person and it's very very rare to ever hear me swear!

The MWs kept adjusting the monitors round my stomach during a contraction and having to hold me still for it. I was in extreme pain and annoyed and eventually got so fed up that I would shout + swear "Don't you fucking touch me" at them and swat their hands away everytime they came near me. In between contractions I would cry and apologise for being so horrible and rude.

When pushing my Mum kept telling me I wasn't pushing hard/long enough. My answer "Well you fucking do it then if you're so good at it". I don't think she was very amused.


----------



## MissJennayee

My nurse had came in to change the pad laying underneath of me because my water had just broke and I was so numb from the waste down I couldn't tell when I was going to fart.. sure enough she leaned over and I let out the loudest one ever right near her head :haha:
Never been so embarrassed in my life!


----------



## MummyHayz1990

NIfirsttimer said:


> i had a natural birth in the birthing centre attached to my local maternity unit, it was all very calm and serene in the early stages, i floated around the pool, progressing slowly but nicely, when suddenly all hell broke loose. Id just been checked about 25 mins before and was 4/5 cm, so we were expecting things to be a while yet... Suddenly i REALLY needed to push, midwife was telling me that it was way too early to be baby, and that perhaps i needed to use the toilet... i was sure it wasnt that, but agreed to try anyway, so got out of the pool and onto the loo. while there, transition hit, and i suddenly got SOOO hot, the student midwife ran off to fetch some ice cubes for DH to rub on my forehead etc, but when she arrived with them i grabbed a handful and shoved them into my mouth, suddenly, a HUGE contraction hit me, and i needed the G&A but had a mouthful of ice, so i spat the ice all over the floor :-o
> there i was, sat on the toilet, naked, dripping wet, mooing like a cow, and spitting on the floor.. oh the shame!
> turns out i went from 4/5cm to 10cm in less than a hour, and my daughter was born very soon after this!
> 
> there was also a little moment when i was pushing when i really wanted to inflict some pain on my DH, so i grabbed 'his' arm and dug my nails in as hard as a could, only to feel the arm whipped away, i opened my eyes to find that id actually injured the student midwife, and left 4 huge cuts in her arm from my nails!!
> 
> lol also just remembered that at one point the midwife made me get out of the pool to check progress, and i really didnt want to... later on, in the midst of the transition drama i said 'IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRRY I CALLED U A BITTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHH' and she said 'noo u didnt, its ok' and i told her that i did, she was just out of the room at the time lol


Ohh you poor lady! Haha, aaah well, I'm sure they are all used to, just hope the student midwfie healed up nicely ;)


----------



## SIEGAL

NIfirsttimer said:


> i
> 
> there was also a little moment when i was pushing when i really wanted to inflict some pain on my DH, so i grabbed 'his' arm and dug my nails in as hard as a could, only to feel the arm whipped away, i opened my eyes to find that id actually injured the student midwife, and left 4 huge cuts in her arm from my nails!!

haha! I did the same thing. the nurse was having me hug her so I could be in the position for the epidural but I was getting the epidural at 10cm so I was in serious pain and I would squeeze her arm during the contractions and I remember he at least 4 or 5 times discreetly trying to peel my fingernails off her arm without me noticing. poor nurse she was so nice. I knew I was doing it to but couldn't stop myself


----------



## DukesAngel

I was so over it that during a contraction in the transition phase I yelled "Get this ******* out of me!" ..... crickets in the room then....


----------



## jasminejo24

my mom said after she had me and was trying to get me to go to sleep in the hospital she compleetly went blank and forgot every lulabye and nursery rhyme she had ever herd so she sang the wombles theme 
i first fell asleep to "underground overground wombling free the wombles of wimbledon common are we" lol i still feel kinda relaxed wen i hear it now


----------



## LostAndAlone

lol these are so funny!!! Glad we can all laugh about it now but it was hell at the time lol!!
Going back to when i had my first over 7 years ago, i went into labour about 4am i kept going back and forth to the toilet cos i was getting really wet even tho it wasnt my waters (didnt know this at the time) then the pains started so i woke my oh who told me to get back into bed! I hit him and told him to get up now!!! We didnt have a car so had to phone for an ambulance cos it was too late to phone anyone for a lift so he was on the phone whilst i was on the floor leaning over the couch when he turned to me and says "baby, let me see you minge to see if i can see the head" !!!!!!! The operater had asked if the head was coming out or anything lol so he thought she ment he had to look and see lmao, i gave him a mouthful for saying that over the phone lol and that the head wasnt coming out, i was sooo embarrassed lol!!! i still slag him to this day for saying it and told all our friends after wards too lol. I also called the midwife a fat cow when she cut me with a pair of scissors for an episiotimy (spelling) i had an epidural and never felt a thing but i did feel that lol, i apologized afterwards but she was really fat lol, i felt bad though cos she was lovely. I can also remember after having both my girls i proudly told all my friends that i hadnt done a poo lol, it was a big deal for me as id been so worried about it lol!!!


----------



## LilMrs224

I dont have any stories {yet} of my own, however, i have some very funny ones to tell you.

I dont know how many times growing i got to hear the one about my mom in labor with me and it still cracks me up every time. My mom get pregnant with me while she was in high school and my grandparents where needless to say not happy about it. Well when she was in labor and having horrible contractions my grandfather (her father) came in to check on her and a big contraction hit and my mom started yelling "Oh God why me? What did I do?" and once the contraction ended she turned to my grandfather and said "oh yeah I remember now" lol 

the next is a friend of mine. I was the godmother of her baby so my friend wanted me in the room while she was in labor. I don't know what they had given her for the pain but it was through her IV and she was just getting very loopy. So here we are just all sitting around her parents, her boyfriends parents and even some grandparents. while in walks the very pretty female nurse to check on her and read her papers and my friend says very loudly "Hey you are damn cute! Can I kiss you?" she then proceeded to grab the poor girls arm and try to pull her into the bed with her. I thought my friend's mom was was gonna pass out from embarrassment lol Once my friend got to the pushing stage she kept yelling at her doctor to "cut the damn thing out" because she was tired of pushing and in alot of pain. there where alot of funny moments that day but once it was all said and done and she didnt remember saying most of the things she did


----------



## MaybBaby

my lovely gas and air experience - A few of my choice words were 'I can't feel my teeth' 'my eyes have gone where are they?! I can't uncross them' *starts to cry* 'I want a meat feast pizza,then my son,in that order please' and after I'm out of it and in too much pain to listen a very thick accented doc is telling OH his thoughts,he barely leaves the room and I scream 'YOU DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND A WORD HE SAAAAAAIIIIDDDDD!!' Lol! Oh and his personal fave which was shouted OBEM style me- 'My fanny lips hurttttttttt!' OH- 'wha? Where?' me -' IN MY FANNY HOOOOOOLLLLLEEEEEE!!! - oh the shame :blush: :rofl:


----------



## Lizzie K

When it came time to push my oldest out, I kept telling them, "I have to poop. Let me up so I can go to the bathroom!" They actually physically restrained me from trying to get up. That was probably a good thing, since I had an epidural and would have probably fallen down if I tried to stand. 

When my sister had her water break with her second, she called my mom. My mom walked into her house to find my sister on her hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor where here water had broke. She kept saying, "Don't want Buck (her DH) to come home and see this. He'll freak out." 

With my first, I only had the thin panty liners in the house when my water broke and I kept telling my husband I had to change it before we left for the hospital. He finally practically pushed me out the door, telling me it would be ok for the short drive. Then I threw up in the bathroom of the hospital and started cleaning it up. My husband came to check on me right as I was finishing up and he reminded me they have people to clean it.

I also called the midwife a b**** while I was pushing with my first. She insisted I wasn't pushing hard enough and stuck a couple of fingers in my rear. I told her "Get your hands out of my a**, b****!"


----------



## Roxie

ive just read the whole thread lol :haha:


----------



## Scuba

I love this thread!! Brilliant!!

I've got a wicked G&A video clip from my labour that I'll post if I can work out how lol!

Nothing really funny from my labour, most amusing parts (in hindsight!) were trying to bite the midwife mid contraction when I was reaching transition, that was when she suggested pain relief for me lol!
Other thing was once daughters head had been delivered and was outside my body, everyone was saying 'her heads out, she's got loads of hair' etc and I was hysterically crying going 'what's wrong with her? Why isn't she crying?' I had NO idea the entire baby has to be born before they cry - felt like a right donkey then lol xx


----------



## LisK

Lizzie K said:


> I also called the midwife a b**** while I was pushing with my first. She insisted I wasn't pushing hard enough and stuck a couple of fingers in my rear. I told her "Get your hands out of my a**, b****!"

That seems like a completely justified reaction. I think I would have said the same think - YIKES!


----------



## MummyKK

Once i got the epidural i kept doing really long drawn out farts that i had no control over! If that wasnt bad enough when thedoctorwas giving me an internal i farted right in his face!!! Eek!!!


----------



## Cee108

When the midwife was checking me for tears after LO was born, I said to her 'Stop playing with my clit - it hurts' 


I have no idea why I used the word 'playing' :haha: I blame the G&A!!! :blush:

But the best part is... DH looked all offended and said 'But I'm not even touching you' :rofl:


----------



## Gracie W

These are too fun. I'll be sure to come back and post mine when baba arrives. But until then, i'll just tell you my sisters delivery story.

She stayed with us for the last few weeks of pregnancy so we could take her to the hospital and all that.. So anyways, she got up in the night to get a drink, and her waters broke when she was downstairs. She screamed and my hubby jumped up and ran downstairs, forgetting he had no clothes on. And when I got down the 2 of them were in pisses laughing in the kitchen and the dog was licking up the puddle! 

Then when my sister was pushing she was squeezing my DH's hand. And she dug her nails into his hand so he pulled his hand away. And she shouted at him 'Tommy you're such a bloody pussy, man up and grow some balls'. The look on his face was priceless! He looked so afraid of her!

And when the baby arrived my hubby was asked 'Daddy do you want to cut the cord' and he said 'No no no, I....' and my sister butted in 'Will someone just cut the frickin cord already, jeesh you're soooooo slow'.

Afterwards I when I was holding the baby:
Sister: You want one now Grace, Don't you? You have to have one!
My Husband: If she's anything like you in labour.. no babies!
Me: You're worse than mom, we're only just married, we'll have a baby when we're ready
Sister: *Crying* Whaaaaaaat!
My Husband: Grace, why is she crying!?"
Me: It's the drugs
My Husband: What! Drugs! You're not supposed to take drugs when you're pregnant, wouldn't it harm the baby!?!?!?!

My niece is now 3!


----------



## Lief

Gracie W said:


> These are too fun. I'll be sure to come back and post mine when baba arrives. But until then, i'll just tell you my sisters delivery story.
> 
> She stayed with us for the last few weeks of pregnancy so we could take her to the hospital and all that.. So anyways, she got up in the night to get a drink, and her waters broke when she was downstairs. She screamed and my hubby jumped up and ran downstairs, forgetting he had no clothes on. And when I got down the 2 of them were in pisses laughing in the kitchen and the dog was licking up the puddle!
> 
> Then when my sister was pushing she was squeezing my DH's hand. And she dug her nails into his hand so he pulled his hand away. And she shouted at him 'Tommy you're such a bloody pussy, man up and grow some balls'. The look on his face was priceless! He looked so afraid of her!
> 
> And when the baby arrived my hubby was asked 'Daddy do you want to cut the cord' and he said 'No no no, I....' and my sister butted in 'Will someone just cut the frickin cord already, jeesh you're soooooo slow'.
> 
> Afterwards I when I was holding the baby:
> Sister: You want one now Grace, Don't you? You have to have one!
> My Husband: If she's anything like you in labour.. no babies!
> Me: You're worse than mom, we're only just married, we'll have a baby when we're ready
> Sister: *Crying* Whaaaaaaat!
> My Husband: Grace, why is she crying!?"
> Me: It's the drugs
> My Husband: What! Drugs! You're not supposed to take drugs when you're pregnant, wouldn't it harm the baby!?!?!?!
> 
> My niece is now 3!

:rofl: @ your OH, it's so cute when men are so clueless about these things.


----------



## hope&faith09

I love these stories. 

I was having a normal labour and headed to the hospital and eventualy got examined I was contracting for over a minute long each time with very little break in between each one ... she examined and said well I think you are about two centermeters so youcant be in this much pain and I will move you to the ward and basically told me to stop making a fuss. 

She said she was going on a tea break and she would sort me out when she had finished. Well I told my OH i needed the loo so waddled off down the corridor to the tiny cubicle. Well after sitting there for a minute or two my other half came wandering down - he was talking to a midwife just outside the door saying he had lost his wife ... at which pointed i shouted ... they had to unlock the door with a coin to me shouting very loudly cant you leave me alone I just need a big poo. The midwife managed to get me up and actually it was my daughter making her way into the world. My midwife walked back in and I was holding my daughter and she was so shocked she almost passed out she missed the whole thing whilst on her tea break and the consultant that delievered my daughter wasnt impressed!

My OH will never let me live it down that I was shouting about needing a poo keeps teasing me about going to the loo during this labour!


----------



## katrinalorien

This thread is excellent!!


----------



## misshopefull

Great thread! I'm getting nervous about my planned c-section but this has cheered me up! Thanks for sharing :thumbup:


----------



## jillypoop

Slightly disappointed with my labour, it was quick and went well but was hoping I'd have some really hilarious stories to tell you all! 
The only funny things that really happened were just after I'd got to hospital and I needed to have a "clear-out". I'm a nervous pooer and had never pooed in the house while OH was home so I went to the loo in the hospital and the smell was horrendous so I couldnt disguise it. Just kept on apologising to OH who just found it quite funny.

Just before I started pushing I wanted to get up and walk round but as I stood up off the bed I got a contraction and ended up biting OH's shoulder really hard and he had a bruise for about a week haha.
When I'd been pushing for a while on all fours on the bed the midwife told me I had to get on my back and after them having to convince me for about 15 mins I eventually turned over. OH went to my bottom end to help me move my legs cos they'd gone numb with me putting all my weight on my knees. Just as he picked my leg up I did the most tremendously loud and stinky fart in his face....
He will NEVER let me live that one down!!

Oh and that night, I stood up to hobble off to the bathroom for a pee and when I stood up I pissed all over the floor. Mortified isn't the word.... :S

Hope next time will be funnier


----------



## Blizzard

Jillypoop I think you did just fine on the funny front there. Your husband rather took the brunt haha. Glad it went well. xxx


----------



## mamaduke

For me, the most embarrassing part was at 9cm and pushing....

Waters finally broke at 9cm, and it felt like a massive water balloon giving way.
Continued pushing only to feel what seemed like a mini water balloon gushing. Turned out that was baby going over my bladder, which emptied itself on the table. :nope:


----------



## pinkandfluffy

Loved these stories!!! 

With DS1 I was induced due to PROM and I'd been in hospital ages before they found room for me so I was tired lol.

At the end I'm pushing and the midwife goes 'wow that's a lot of hair'.

Cue me apologising and saying I was too big myself but hubby had tried to neaten me up before we came in.

Hubby pointed out obviously she meant the babies hair......as the midwife rolled on the floor laughing *blush*


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## nikkchikk

I had a dose of Stadol a few hours before I had my epidural and boy, does Stadol make me loopy! I kept telling my husband and sister, who where in the room with me, that I had forgotten to breath, and could they please perform CPR on me.

:dohh:


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## beckyjoy4405

Love this thread! Thank you all!


----------



## pinkribbon

MummyKK said:


> Once i got the epidural i kept doing really long drawn out farts that i had no control over! If that wasnt bad enough when thedoctorwas giving me an internal i farted right in his face!!! Eek!!!

:rofl: this one gave me a snigger


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## BrokenfoREVer

Just remembered another one (5months on :lol:)

I was pushing for the second time & in between contractions I was just closing my eyes & laying very still. & I remember hearing the midwife ask my mom if I had fallen asleep lol. I remember thinking that I should open my eyes so they knew I was okay. 

Another one, I dunno what the hell was going on, but sometimes I would get a contaction with no urge to push (again, during the second pushing stage) & so I would just keep lying there & breath through it & I was convinced that someone would see a contract building on the moniter & shout at me for wasting it lol. 

I was sooooooooo tired.

I also remember before going into labour telling myself I wasn't gonna be the woman screaming I can't do it. So I tricked myself & told everyone I didn't want to push anymore (for some reason, my mind though it was better to say that than say I can't do it) 

I thought I was properly whineing to my mum that I was tired & I didn't want to push anymore. But apparently I was really calm & just kept saying it with no emotion. 

Towards the end that was all I could think, that I didn't want to push anymore & I was too tired. But that was fighting against having come so far in my labour & not wanting some dr to waltz in & steal my glory lol.


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## justplainTIFF

I was in labor for over 14 hours but the last two were the fun ones. At 7-8 cm my doc broke my waters for me and I said I'd want something for he pain as I knew things would really intensify at that point. So they gave me a shot in my iv and I got loopy and couldn't open my eyes without them crossing. So at some point I started saying somethig about a wolf and a polar bear. I dunno what I said exactly. Then I told my hubby that I felt like an elephant. Again, not sure where that came from. He told the nurses at te station somethig about what I said and I could hear laughter. I asked "did you tell them I'm an elephant!?" he said no then disappeared again... More laughter. 
Then a nurse comes to check me and and I start talking gibberish about how "everything should be organized into squares." in my slightly drugged up mind with painful contractions, it made perfect sense. As each contraction would hit (eyes still closed) I would imagine it building up and a row of squares would fill in and the darker each square was the stronger my contraction was. 
Afterwards everything was pretty good but hubby,who is really into fishing, said when they pulled Barrett out and laid him on my chest, it reminders him of a bass jumping up out through a grass mat.


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## Cat_pj

I have a couple of tales....

The first was when my waters went at home, OH came back from work and my mum called (she lives 45 mins away) to say she was coming. At that moment I felt massively light headed and a bit sick (I think it was the adrenalin) and she asked me whether I wanted a MacDonald's for my 'final meal'. I was like 
"No, I feel too sick, so sick!!" and I put the phone down.
I put my head between my legs and I felt the sickness passing. Literally a min later my mum's phone beeped with a text; "2 big mac meals with diet coke please" LOL she couldn't believe it! I really enjoyed it by the way- my contractions were only mild then.

Then when I was pushing Chubs was posterior and I was on my back (dunno why, I just did as I was told, innit?) and I had been trying for like an hour. Then the midwife wanted me to put my legs right up to my chest, and I'd been trying to cover my 'dignity' the whole time, adamant that OH didn't see any of the 'action'.

Then the midwife asked; "is it ok if your partner holds your leg up?" and I was like "OK WHATEVER GET HER OUT!!" and he said 
"Don't worry, I will have sex with you again"
And I was like "GOOD!!!!!!!" 

LOL!!! :haha: My mum and the midwife didn't know where to look!!

He kept his word :winkwink:


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## justplainTIFF

I just remembered another funny thing happening. Barrett got the hiccups as he was coming out. I could feel it all and as he came further down, the more irritated I got but my hubby, the nurse and doctor were laughing. They could see my stomach jump with each one and his little head would jerk. I remember wanting To yell that it wasn't funny and to just shut up but I was concentrating on my contractions and pushing. 
And when the Doc was trying to help me birth the placenta, I was thinking this feels so weird. But once it was out I exclaimed "omigod that feels so good." it was just a relief to have my whole body back to myse. Lol.


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## sezrah

I had a very quick labour and nearly didn't make it to the hospital in time! As I was walking into the labour ward the baby started crowning and I was having very intense contractions...the midwife on reception asked me where it hurt and I shouted "IN MY ASS, IT HURTS IN MY ASS!!!!!" as loud as I possibly could whilst looking around in desperation in the corridor for somewhere to give birth as they kept fannying around asking me a ton of questions when it was pretty clear I was about to give birth. Then I managed to get some gas and air, and aparently started singing 'How Soon Is Now' by The Smiths in the middle of a massive contraction...as you do LOL


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## Lexigore

Not my labor story (I'm overdue at the moment!) but funny nonetheless.

My Grandmother allegedly wore a fur coat, smoked, ate candy bars with white gloves on and read a magazine whilst she was giving birth. She kept trying to bend down to see what was going on down there and the doctor had to stop her (you can break the baby's neck that way!) and she called him a "horses ass" (in Hungarian) lol. She was a great woman. Very Zsa Zsa Gabor!

My Mother's water broke in the hospital and nuns came running in with rubber boots on, giggling because when they disrobed her she was wearing the only thing that fit her under her dress - a suede purple and gold garter belt with stars on the buckles! She played cards with my Dad through her 36 hour labour, and my Dad says she won all the time even though he was cheating. Heh. When the pain got bad she screamed "never go to Niagra Falls!' repeatedly (I was conceived there on a Honeymoon) and swung at my Dad like she meant it. 

When I was born my Dad took one look at me, covered in...stuff, pinched, red and screaming and thought "oh my God, I don't want to show this to the Grandparents!" He really fretted about it, agonized over having such an ugly baby. After they cleaned me off and I settled down though I looked angelic and his fears evaporated. :)

I'm hoping for a birth like my Grandmother's but my husband is bringing a mouth guard just in case. ;)


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## MrsStutler

I didn't have anything too funny happen. I was so exhausted when I was pushing that I would fall asleep and snore in between contractions, then wake up and push when a contraction came!


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## hawalkden

I was having a contraction and OH went to the loo within the birthing room. I was calling his name and he was saying everything is okay. I'm here, don't worry. I had the contraction and when he came back out I just looked at hime and said 'You left me to have a wee'. Then I turned away from him for a few moments till the next contraction and I needed his hand :)!


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## Taz

I was hooked up to every drip possible and the doc doing my epidural had just come in the room to start. Gas and air is the awesomest thing ever!!! I had about 4 midwives in the room my fiance, my MIL and this epidural guy.
Anywhoo (I don't remember this at all but fiance mw's and MIL took great delight in telling me afterwards) when the epidural man was about to start I gulped down G&A and started laughing so he told me to keep still I was sweating really bad because I was scared and it was super hot. I caught a glimpse of his arm took some more G&A and declared loudly to the room "Oh my word on a stick that guy looks like a f*****g yeti! I had a hamster once that looked like a yeti" the room apparently erupted with giggles and then the epidural guy said to me in a minute Toni you will start to feel shooting pains down one of your legs this is totally normal. I remember feeling shooting vibration things down my right leg took more G&A then told him he was very good at his job and how did he know I would get them told him it reminded me of lights off a sci fi film then apparently tried to hum the tune of Star Wars which ended up coming out as Jurassic Park :D


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## darkstar

I had tears running down my face reading these.

My ex husband fainted. It wasn't even bad at that point, no blood or anything. He fell completely backwards and whacked his head on the floor. The medical staff went running to aid him and ER doctors came to check for concussion. They got him a beanbag to lie on and were fussing over him and I was left alone when another contraction hit and I screamed "HELLO WOMAN HAVING A BABY HERE!"

I remember the Doctor asking me if I wanted a mirror while I was pushing so I could see the baby come out and I yelled "God no I don't want to see THAT!"


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## Victoriaaa

My final stage was so fast ( got the urge to push in bed so rushed to the hosp) Rio came out in 7 minutes and i couldnt stop my body pushing even when she told me too so i had a little 2nd degree tear. When she told me this and mentioned stitches i actually said. *"Can you just leave it, i'll be fine, honestly". *She refused thank heavens.. what the hell was i thinking can you imagine? :haha: :dohh:


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## Emma&Freya

I really wish my labour was more funnier!


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## larudy13

hey my babys a few months, but wanted to share while in labor i was screaming at OH SHUT THE FUCK UP even though he wasnt talking, then i was yelling at my mom to massage my feet :dohh: the i cried when the epidural man came yelling "THANK GOD" AND by the way up until my epidural i kept getting up for the bathrrom to pee every 5 minutes :haha: the whole time until i had baby fr somereason i had to pee but i couldnt so i kept yelling "i gotta peeeeeee!!"


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## Creative

I do love it when my subscribed threads shows an update on here. it always makes me smile.


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## Lizzie K

larudy13 said:


> hey my babys a few months, but wanted to share while in labor i was screaming at OH SHUT THE FUCK UP even though he wasnt talking, then i was yelling at my mom to massage my feet :dohh: the i cried when the epidural man came yelling "THANK GOD" AND by the way up until my epidural i kept getting up for the bathrrom to pee every 5 minutes :haha: the whole time until i had baby fr somereason i had to pee but i couldnt so i kept yelling "i gotta peeeeeee!!"

When my oldest was descending, I felt like I had to take a major poop. I announced to the whole room as loud as I could, "I need to poop! Help me up so I can go to the bathroom!" They kept telling me no, it was the baby and I couldn't get up then. I kept insisting, pretty loud. I tried to get up myself but couldn't get my legs out of the stirrups due to the epidural. So I started crying because I didn't want to poop on the bed.


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## Mum 2 Quigley

This is the best thread I have found on here...By Far!! I haven't been pregnant yet, and can't wait to be! these stories make me so excited!! soo funny! Thanks Ladies!! xx


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## TFSGirl

I'm currently on modified duties as I am normally a full time firefighter, but right now being pregnant I am working at our training facility answering phones, and today all the chiefs are here for a meeting and I am sittin gin my fish bowl laughing with tears streaming down my face and trying not to let them see!!! lol every time someone in a whit shirt walks by I have to try to control my giggles, best thread ever!


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## Mum 2 Quigley

I turned to OH while reading the rest of this thread in bed last night and I said "Baby, will you care if i poo during labour?" he looked at me, very seriously, and said "Of course not honey, it's bound to happen!" haha makes me feel a little better! haha

keep em coming ladies!!


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## Insectile

I had a really easy time pushing. I felt so hyped up on adrenaline and kept making the stupidest comments to the midwife and the nurses. A few pushes in, I made everybody stop so I could take my socks off. I said something like "I didnt get this pedicure just to be wearing these ugly slippers during the best part." Then I had them all look at my toes.

A few pushes after that, I started to feel the head begin to come out. During a break while waiting for a contraction, I asked the midwife "Will I feel his ears coming out? Like the actual texture of the ears rubbing over my vagina?" I wasnt nervous about it, just curious. She stared at me like she misheard and said that in 25 years of delivering babies, she'd never heard that question.

I also kept giggling while she stitched my tear afterwards and told her that Julian felt like a slimy little octopus when his body came out and that they ought to check him for tentacles. All I had drug-wise was my epidural and some pitocin! I was acting so silly.


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## Peggy80

Brilliant, love this thread :rofl:


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## Katielouisa

Eee I hthought I posted on here but I didn't! well after labouring for 3 days with no pain relief I finally got gas and air at 4cm! It was amazing!Ivy was back to back so I can't even explain the pain I was in! She came out face upwards...and the gas and air helped loads 

When I first got it I was like ' this shit is amazing' but slurring my voice then I procedded to push a matress of a bed because I wanted to lie there on the bed without the matress it was in the way!...

then I started drooling and staring a chair and nodding and acting really cocky!!!

When I finally came to delievery the midwife was doing an internal and I remember thinking don't say it don't say it kate..but before I knew it I was going 'I KNOW YOUR FUCKING FINGERING ME, DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW' I then procedded to tell the mw that I was in a video game and oh I'm a sea horse because I felt like one...

I then also remember seeing an asian doctor walk in at one point and so despratly hard trying to not say ' sallam alikum' LOL oh dear...


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## x_WelshGirl_x

Reading these made me laugh. Wish mine was funnier.
I got to the hospital and i was 5-6cm dilated, after an hour and a half of being there i had to go to the toilet, made my mum come with me, was about to go out the door i said to my mum "oh mum i need to push, oh no or do i just need to poop" well i tried pooping anyway, my mum thought I was gonna have Alex down the toilet lol, she kept unlocking the door, i was like "MUM, lock the door, they can get in from the outside if need be"
Well back in the room, i was leaning over the bed and I said "oh i need a wee, i cant move im gonna wee here, so the midwife and my mum got my pants off as quick as they could, but i think it was some of my waters not pee.
Well I needed to push, so she told me to push and see what happens, so i did, my waters were there ready to go apparently, she said when they go the urge to push will go, well they went, she went back to doing the notes, then i turned my head and said "ahhh im pushing", i said this a few times as she kept doing her notes lol. I mean its my first, and on OBEM, they check your 10cm then tell you to push, but nope, none of that, haha, apparently OH and my mum were in stiches laughing at me and all they say is "imm pushing"
I didnt even have gas and air, couldnt use it, kept making farting noises :( lol, hope the next one will be a bit more funnier, unless its quicker.


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## Katielouisa

Aha just thought of some more funny things that happened...

when I reached 4cm they told me I could finally have my epidural...when I got taken to deleivery I was 8 1/2 cm so I loudly declared ' THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING, FUCK THE EPIDURAL' I then went on to coming on to the midwife telling her that I liked her...

When I was in labour I was making them noises you can't stop making and I went 'I SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THEM WOMEN OF OBEM IF I COULD HEAR MYSELF NOW I'D PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE' 

I also thought my Midwife was my brothers girlfriend ( who's a nurse at the same hospital)

I've decided my next labour if I decide to have another no gas or air shall be used!!x


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## MommaAlexis

Omg lol!!


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## AimeeM

Me: I'm shitting myself,
MW: No your not,
Me: Yes I am I can feel it,
MW: OK,
Me: I'm not bothered, I'm just saying :shrug: 

She looked at me like I was a weirdo.


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## CelticStar

I was apparently a bit of an animal with the gas and air when I had DD....My best friend who was there tried to get it off me so she could have some and I - ahem - growled at her....She said that it was like trying to get it off a rabid dog :haha:

After a little while with gas and air, I was feeling a bit funny, and promptly announced to my Mum and best friend that I felt like a smurf.....I have no idea what a smurf feels like now but yep, I felt like a smurf!
Straight after that, my Mum turned around to me and asked why people put smurfs on the backs of their cars :huh:
I told her that I wanted whatever drugs she was taking because obviously they were better than the ones they were giving me :haha:
Since then I've actually seen for myself a car with a toy smurf hanging from the back bumper, I apologised to my Mum for thinking she was off her rocker :rofl:

I don't know if anyone knows it but there's a game for smart and android phones called Smurfs village (see a theme yet?) me and my best friend play this (think Farmville but with blue people!) well, I was in the middle of a particularly intense contraction - I was induced with syntocin and was on the maximum dose, just to give you an idea of how intense it was! - and my phone bleeped, my best friend then shoves it in my face and declares that I have Golden Potatoes to harvest :shrug:
I looked at her in disbelief and then very quickly got back to the business of having a painful contraction :rofl:

Oh, I was also announcing to everyone who walked in my room that I need a poo, then complaining when they wouldn't let me go for one...I was strapped up to the CTG machine and had a lead attached to babies head measuring the heart rate....Oh and I'd had an epidural so I couldn't even move my legs.....But that didn't stop me being annoyed :blush:


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## Betheney

My waters broke first at 6am i rang the hospital and they said to go in and get checked over.

So in i went hooked up to the machine and after about an hour the midwives come to tell me that if labour doesn't progess on it's own i'll be induced in 72 hours but then one said "you're already registering contractions though so no doubt we'll see you back later today"

WELLLLLLL the prospect of giving birth to my little being that i couldn't wait to see for the past 9 months was a little bit exciting for me.

I exclaimed rather excitedly "REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?! you think i'll be back TONIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!? oh my god i'm so excited!!!! i'm going to have a baby today! can you believe it? my baby! i get to meet my baby today!! i'm so excited. I can't wait until tonight!" :-D the MW were just in shock they were like "eeeeer we don't usually see women this excited, it's rather refreshing" and i was just like "WHAT?! WHY NOT!!! what's wrong with them? don't they know they're about to become mothers!!!! Why would you not want to meet your own baby"

pain and labour that's why........ oh the ignorance of a woman who's never been in labour.


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## Betheney

you ladies know that first moment you hold your baby, the first thought you ever had when the baby is there on your chest.

Mine went.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh thank god she has 10 fingers"

i never once thought during my pregnancy anything to do with fingers or toes, its never crossed my mind, nor did it cross my mind during labour. But i'll never forget it was the first thing i did, before looking at her face or anything. Once i did it i thought to myself "well that was a weird thing to think of the moment you first saw your baby"

I've never admitted this to anyone, no magical rush of love just a need to count her digits.

Labour made me so delirious.


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## Natsku

The midwife told me to count her fingers and toes. I think my first thought though was "thank fuck thats over!"


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## ZoMo

Haha great stories.

I get the strange first thought. i had a caesarian after a failed induction so no labour at all. The very first thing I said when I first saw my little lady wasnt anything to do with a rush of love, instead it was 'urgh she's got your nose' to my OH!! Then I moved on to the counting fingers. And for some reason that continued for about a week - like she would have suddenly grown or lost a few without me noticing!


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## ZoMo

So pleased to have come across this thread! I have been having a pretty rough afternoon with baby who wouldnt stop crying, now she is quiet and just staring at me like I am mental as it is me crying like a loony with laughter, laughing so hard my throat hurts! This is good stuff!!


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## BrokenfoREVer

I think my first though was "why isn't he crying?" no rush of love, but then I was just looking at this slimy purple thing on the bed. Second thought was "oh god, he is a boy right!?" 

Then I held him & it all changed ^_^


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## Abz1982

I just amused my self doing deep voice jokes on the g&a. 

Only funny thing was MW giving me morphine........then 10 mins later I ask for water so she gets a jug and a cup and I drink the WHOLE jug......and as she sees this she tells me to slow down or I will be sick.....I reassure her I wont, and as I put the glas down I was like "oh shit" she grabbed a bowl and as she leaned forward to habe it to me, I vommed all over her. 

I asked the OBGYN consultant if he was going to get this thing out of me........before I had the c-sec.

I also when the midwife was like "aww her name suits her she looks like an Emma" I was like.........no she looks like Winston Churchill shagged a rasin and had a baby ............I was still on the drugs.


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## cmarie33

Well I hope you're all happy ladies.... I've made it to 27 weeks and this thread has made me pee myself for the first time!!! I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe! Thank god oh is at work!


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## Lully2011

Ladies this stories are brilliant!!

My story isnt really as hilarious but sure I'll give it a go
When the midwife checked me I was 2-3cm, 30mins passed I thought I made progress so asked to be checked again. This time the doctor checked and he said "no your still the same". I said "did you take into consideration your hands are bigger than hers" :haha:


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## cassarita

Betheney said:


> you ladies know that first moment you hold your baby, the first thought you ever had when the baby is there on your chest.
> 
> Mine went.
> "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh thank god she has 10 fingers"
> 
> i never once thought during my pregnancy anything to do with fingers or toes, its never crossed my mind, nor did it cross my mind during labour. But i'll never forget it was the first thing i did, before looking at her face or anything. Once i did it i thought to myself "well that was a weird thing to think of the moment you first saw your baby"
> 
> I've never admitted this to anyone, no magical rush of love just a need to count her digits.
> 
> Labour made me so delirious.


Haha that was the first thing I asked. I had a c-section so they showed him over top of the curtain and took him away. I said "does he have all his fingers and toes"

Haha looking back on it now it's pretty silly.


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## Mum 2 Quigley

having never been pregnaznt, i can'trelate, but my mum said when she had all 4 of us kids that was the first thing she checked...it never crossed my mind, but i suppose, subconsciously, i's an easy way to check that everything is 'normal'??


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## Betheney

It's odd how the idea never crosses your mind until the moment baby is born.

I also didn't even really hold the baby when she was placed on my chest, after counting her fingers i was kind of like "ok.... so i have a baby now" and i'd look at her and say "hello little baby" and then put my hands back on my chest, i was too afraid to touch her, it was this odd feeling of "ok the baby is here so now what do i do". Even after they dried her off and we had a cuddle they asked did i want to put her first outfit on and i said to the MW "No that's okay, you do it" haha and i kept asking if it was okay i did things "can i take her out of her cot?" "can i pick her up?"


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## darkstar

I had a really horrible OBGYN when I lived in Australia, I hated him. 

Anyway I'd been induced and he examined me and I was only a couple of centimetres dilated at about 8am in the morning. The doc said he was going to his practise over the other side of Sydney and would be back about 6 or 7pm to check on me as the baby would probably come late evening. I said no way this baby will be here sooner than that, I bet he's here by lunchtime. He said to me rudely that he had been delivering babies for years and there was no way it would go that quickly. 

Anyway he left me and my ex husband went off to have breakfast. I started crying because I just knew the baby would come and I'm sitting there upset (I realised after I was probably in transition) and I'm on my own and I suddenly realise I needed to push. I'm hitting the buzzer and a midwife comes in and I told her I needed to push and she laughed and told me my doc had just examined me. I looked at her and screamed "the baby is coming now you better take a look I'm not joking!" she still didn't believe me and sent a student in to examine me. She was supervising and the student is saying "um I thnk she's fully dilated". The midwife examined and said holy shit call her doctor. They called the doctor and he wouldn't believe me, he had only just got out of his car and turned around and drove back after swearing at the midwives on the phone saying there is no way she's having that baby yet. My epidural had been cranked up real high so I wouldn't keep pushing because i had to wait for my doctor and I had been yelling "i need to push!" and they were telling me I wasn't allowed because my doctor wasn't here. I was saying well you better crank that epi higher or you'll be in trouble!!!!!! So they cranked it up higher so I could ignore the push urges and the doctor eventually turned up half an hour later. I said to him as soon as he walked in "I TOLD YOU THIS BABY WOULD COME SOONER!" he was furious my epi was up too high and while I was pushing I still couldn't feel much and he's checking his watch and telling me he has other patients to see and I need to push harder. I was furious and told him I'd kick him lol.
Anyway my baby was born by lunchtime and that was after waiting for the doctor had delayed things by at least half an hour. It's why this time I will be listening to my instincts and not to the staff. Something inside me just knew that my baby wasn't going to wait.


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## mrsswaffer

Wow, I don't know how staff can be so controlling in a situation like that! In the UK, the lady gets what the lady wants (provided it's possible) - if she wants to push, she'll push, and there's no way a doctor needs to be present (unless she's high risk, I guess). Just two midwives, usually.

I found out I'm pregnant with #1 on Tuesday, so reading these have made me laugh... and feel very very nervous! :p :p


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## Lizzie K

darkstar said:


> I had a really horrible OBGYN when I lived in Australia, I hated him.
> 
> Anyway I'd been induced and he examined me and I was only a couple of centimetres dilated at about 8am in the morning. The doc said he was going to his practise over the other side of Sydney and would be back about 6 or 7pm to check on me as the baby would probably come late evening. I said no way this baby will be here sooner than that, I bet he's here by lunchtime. He said to me rudely that he had been delivering babies for years and there was no way it would go that quickly.
> 
> Anyway he left me and my ex husband went off to have breakfast. I started crying because I just knew the baby would come and I'm sitting there upset (I realised after I was probably in transition) and I'm on my own and I suddenly realise I needed to push. I'm hitting the buzzer and a midwife comes in and I told her I needed to push and she laughed and told me my doc had just examined me. I looked at her and screamed "the baby is coming now you better take a look I'm not joking!" she still didn't believe me and sent a student in to examine me. She was supervising and the student is saying "um I thnk she's fully dilated". The midwife examined and said holy shit call her doctor. They called the doctor and he wouldn't believe me, he had only just got out of his car and turned around and drove back after swearing at the midwives on the phone saying there is no way she's having that baby yet. My epidural had been cranked up real high so I wouldn't keep pushing because i had to wait for my doctor and I had been yelling "i need to push!" and they were telling me I wasn't allowed because my doctor wasn't here. I was saying well you better crank that epi higher or you'll be in trouble!!!!!! So they cranked it up higher so I could ignore the push urges and the doctor eventually turned up half an hour later. I said to him as soon as he walked in "I TOLD YOU THIS BABY WOULD COME SOONER!" he was furious my epi was up too high and while I was pushing I still couldn't feel much and he's checking his watch and telling me he has other patients to see and I need to push harder. I was furious and told him I'd kick him lol.
> Anyway my baby was born by lunchtime and that was after waiting for the doctor had delayed things by at least half an hour. It's why this time I will be listening to my instincts and not to the staff. Something inside me just knew that my baby wasn't going to wait.

The same thing happened to my sister with all to hers. She was induced and was checked was about two centimeters. Soon after, she had a massive urge to poop. Checked again and she was fully dilated and ready to push. When she had the second, they remembered the and knew what it meant when she had that urge again.


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## Hopipolla

My waters broke at around 4am. I got to hospital at 5.30 and was told to wait in a room. I wasn't happy as contractions has started and I was in quite a bit of pain. I needed pain relief. By 6 I went to find a midwife and told her I was in agony. She took my to a room with gas and air and started to examine me. While she was down there I felt an urge to push and accidentally farted in her face! Whoops! Turns out I was already 8cm and stated pushing properly half an hour later.


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## Emma&Freya

mrsswaffer said:


> Wow, I don't know how staff can be so controlling in a situation like that! In the UK, the lady gets what the lady wants (provided it's possible) - if she wants to push, she'll push, and there's no way a doctor needs to be present (unless she's high risk, I guess). Just two midwives, usually.
> 
> I found out I'm pregnant with #1 on Tuesday, so reading these have made me laugh... and feel very very nervous! :p :p

Congrats!!1 Dont be nervous xxx


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## LeeLouClare

I haven't got anything really funny but when I was in labour I needed to dance in order to ease the pain - so when the midwife walked in she saw me and my husband doing the tango while I was high on diamorpine. :)


----------



## Insectile

I also remember begging the nurses not to put him on my chest without laying a towel over me first. I was really freaked out by the idea of a squirmy bloody slimy fresh baby laying on me. Then when they laid him on me (on top of the towel lol) I just thought "Oh wow, hes kind of purple and he isnt as gross looking as I expected."

I didnt count fingers and toes when he was born. As weird as it may sound, it never really mattered to me if he had them all. I keep counting them now though. I swear he has six toes on each foot, but then I count them and there are only five. Its like a weird optical illusion :shrug:


----------



## Buddysmum89

_Mines sort of embarrassing but not as embarrassing as what ive read 

Well, i had my waters manually broken for me and when they broke my waters..My bladder sort of shifted and i ended up weeing at the same time as the waters coming out..But i was that embarrassed by it i didn't want to say anything and just let the midwife get on with cleaning up my massive puddles of wee and waters ..Still to this day i will not even tell OH i weed during having my waters broken!

And through the whole of my labour i got into quite a deep conversation with my midwife about English bull terriers ..The woman probably thought i was barmy talking about dogs while being in pain! _


----------



## Betheney

Buddysmum89 said:


> _Mines sort of embarrassing but not as embarrassing as what ive read
> 
> Well, i had my waters manually broken for me and when they broke my waters..My bladder sort of shifted and i ended up weeing at the same time as the waters coming out..But i was that embarrassed by it i didn't want to say anything and just let the midwife get on with cleaning up my massive puddles of wee and waters ..Still to this day i will not even tell OH i weed during having my waters broken!
> 
> And through the whole of my labour i got into quite a deep conversation with my midwife about English bull terriers ..The woman probably thought i was barmy talking about dogs while being in pain! _

All during pregnancy everyone talks and warns and laughs about pooing in labour but i've never heard of weeing in labour. So i was shocked when i was in labour and i felt like i was going to wet myself, i didn't feel like i had a full bladder and was busting i just felt like my bladder at any moment was just going to let it all out. In the end i didn't end up peeing but since coming on this thread, i realise that peeing during labour is actually pretty common, i'm surprised i never heard of it before now.


----------



## ClairAye

I was in theatre so there was about 6 nurses/midwives, 2 paediatricians and my OH and in front of them all when I was pushing I shouted 'Agggh I've just shit myself!!'

A midwife said it was just baby to which my reply was..

'No I've definitely just shit myself!!' :dohh: What an embarrassment!


----------



## YikesBaby

LOL Thanks ladies, this thread is awesome!! I had no idea poop and pee played such a large role in so many births. Good to know! :)


----------



## lisab1986

First labour i was induced and having a really hard labour which ended up being days long the mw i had was as usefull as a bloody chocholate tea pot and when i eventually gave in and asked for pethedine she was really dragging her heals..literally hours i wanted for pain relief! I was quite sozzled and my oh tells me before my little erm....outburst he was talking to her about how long she had been a mw and asked if she was ever abused etc..she told him she had been a mw 15 years and never once was she abused .....:blush: well i was waiting, and waiting for my pain relief and couldnt take it no longer and said to oh..'wheres that f*cking bitch with my pethadine?!!!!!' I didnt realise she was at the other side of the room :blush:

Second labour was a homebirth 2 horrid mw's came round and half way through my labour i noticed this mw was wearing really dodgy socks and kids school shoes..well gas and air dont really agree with me and i said which i thought was quietly ..'does she expect me to take her seriously when shes wearing those stupid fkin socks and kids shoes?' My best mate burst out laughing and didnt know where to put herself and the mw just looked up at me from her paperwork :blush::blush:

Third labour i was extremely composed considering i didnt know i was in labour and lied to the community mw's so someone would come out and examine me ..good job i did because by the time the mw got to the house i was 10cm and ready to push! Well they brought me the gas and air i got on the bed into a birthing position and i heard the mw tell me that there was a limited amount of g&a and i would need that to push my birthing partner made the mistake of attempting to take it away from me..good god the abuse she got when she did that :haha:


----------



## Betheney

Just an observation I'm reading a lot about women with gas and air during the pushing stage.

When it came to push with Eva she said I had to put it down and tried to coax it off me, of course I refused and wouldn't hand it over. So this resulted in her trying to physically take it off me so I bit the mouth piece and clampeddown so she couldn't take it and then proceeded to growl at her. Bitch eventually won.

I didn't realize this was a slightly funny story until now but that's not even my point. She did said they don't allow g&a during pushing because you need concentration and focus..... how odd so many other places allow it.


----------



## Thorpedo11

when i was in labor in the birth tub, i remember looking at my mom and seeing that she had the video camera and it was really pissing me off for some reason. I told her to stop video taping me. she said she wasnt. i told her to stop taking pictures ( its one of the video cameras that do both.) she said she wasnt taking pictures. Then i turned to her and said then put the fucking camera down.

After that i looked up and everyone was staring at me. [my husband, my MIL, my mom] I turned and said i feel like a petting zoo. they didnt hear me i guess because i heard my MIL ask my hubby what did i say... I then said... "i said I feel like a fucking petting zoo"

after everything was said and done we got a few good laughs from it, but at the time i was not laughing lol


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

Betheney said:


> Just an observation I'm reading a lot about women with gas and air during the pushing stage.
> 
> When it came to push with Eva she said I had to put it down and tried to coax it off me, of course I refused and wouldn't hand it over. So this resulted in her trying to physically take it off me so I bit the mouth piece and clampeddown so she couldn't take it and then proceeded to growl at her. Bitch eventually won.
> 
> I didn't realize this was a slightly funny story until now but that's not even my point. She did said they don't allow g&a during pushing because you need concentration and focus..... how odd so many other places allow it.

I was never told I couldn't have it. I threw it off the bed cos I was so glad I was be allowed to push ( I'd only been using it as a distraction, I didn't need the pain relief) 

I wouldn't have been able push properly if I was still using it I don't think. Odd


----------



## Natsku

I wasn't told I couldn't have it during pushing but I did just completely forget it cos I was so concentrated on pushing.


----------



## Mrs W 11

lisab1986 said:


> First labour i was induced and having a really hard labour which ended up being days long the mw i had was as usefull as a bloody chocholate tea pot and when i eventually gave in and asked for pethedine she was really dragging her heals..literally hours i wanted for pain relief! I was quite sozzled and my oh tells me before my little erm....outburst he was talking to her about how long she had been a mw and asked if she was ever abused etc..she told him she had been a mw 15 years and never once was she abused .....:blush: well i was waiting, and waiting for my pain relief and couldnt take it no longer and said to oh..'wheres that f*cking bitch with my pethadine?!!!!!' I didnt realise she was at the other side of the room :blush:
> 
> Second labour was a homebirth 2 horrid mw's came round and half way through my labour i noticed this mw was wearing really dodgy socks and kids school shoes..well gas and air dont really agree with me and i said which i thought was quietly ..'does she expect me to take her seriously when shes wearing those stupid fkin socks and kids shoes?' My best mate burst out laughing and didnt know where to put herself and the mw just looked up at me from her paperwork :blush::blush:
> 
> Third labour i was extremely composed considering i didnt know i was in labour and lied to the community mw's so someone would come out and examine me ..good job i did because by the time the mw got to the house i was 10cm and ready to push! Well they brought me the gas and air i got on the bed into a birthing position and i heard the mw tell me that there was a limited amount of g&a and i would need that to push my birthing partner made the mistake of attempting to take it away from me..good god the abuse she got when she did that :haha:

Oh hun, these are hilarious!! I especially love the socks and shoes comment!!!!!!:rofl:

Just my luck i'll be that subtle too.


----------



## Betheney

I don't think I could have pushed effectively had I been allowed to have it. But I felt incredibly delirious and out of it anyway.


----------



## amandapanda1

During labour, my sister got really hot, whipped off her top, did a little wiggle and shouted WOOOO! IM NAKED! MY TITTIES ARE OUT! to everyone who was nearby...

Then 5 minutes later, she burst into tears crying that everyone had seen her boobs, sobbingly saying 'but they're YOUR boobs Luke!' to her OH.


----------



## 2have4kids

These are so great, takes my mind off infertility probs...thanks so much to the mom's who've shared! I hope to one day be in your shoes.
*Any Canadian mom's here? Do we get gas & air in our hospitals?* I hope so.


----------



## YikesBaby

*2have4kids *- I don't think we do. Bummer huh??


----------



## TFSGirl

2have4kids said:


> These are so great, takes my mind off infertility probs...thanks so much to the mom's who've shared! I hope to one day be in your shoes.
> *Any Canadian mom's here? Do we get gas & air in our hospitals?* I hope so.

Nope :( we don't. My OH and I were talking about this yesterday and we just can't understand WHY we don't... his cousin is head anaesthesiologist for the hospitals in Toronto and we were thinking of asking him why they don't give gas & air.... maybe he will have an answer, and if he does I will let you ladies know. I want the option of gas & air so bad now. lol


----------



## MommaAlexis

Someone told me there is a gas you can get, it's just that they use this big medical term for it and that she got it. This was just today so.. ?


----------



## TFSGirl

Just talked to him about it, and it is available at SOME hospitals, but you have to ask for it, they won't offer it to you unless you know about it, and a lot of hospitals don't even carry it. It is called Entonox here.


----------



## mrsswaffer

I was just going to say, I think it's entinox. :)


----------



## 2have4kids

Excellent, so happy to know this! My friend is an ER nurse, last night she said she'll hook me up with the gas, seemed to feel most hospitals in my city have it. It seems to take your mind off the main event :)


----------



## Malouka

NIfirsttimer said:


> i had a natural birth in the birthing centre attached to my local maternity unit, it was all very calm and serene in the early stages, i floated around the pool, progressing slowly but nicely, when suddenly all hell broke loose. Id just been checked about 25 mins before and was 4/5 cm, so we were expecting things to be a while yet... Suddenly i REALLY needed to push, midwife was telling me that it was way too early to be baby, and that perhaps i needed to use the toilet... i was sure it wasnt that, but agreed to try anyway, so got out of the pool and onto the loo. while there, transition hit, and i suddenly got SOOO hot, the student midwife ran off to fetch some ice cubes for DH to rub on my forehead etc, but when she arrived with them i grabbed a handful and shoved them into my mouth, suddenly, a HUGE contraction hit me, and i needed the G&A but had a mouthful of ice, so i spat the ice all over the floor :-o
> there i was, sat on the toilet, naked, dripping wet, mooing like a cow, and spitting on the floor.. oh the shame!
> turns out i went from 4/5cm to 10cm in less than a hour, and my daughter was born very soon after this!
> 
> there was also a little moment when i was pushing when i really wanted to inflict some pain on my DH, so i grabbed 'his' arm and dug my nails in as hard as a could, only to feel the arm whipped away, i opened my eyes to find that id actually injured the student midwife, and left 4 huge cuts in her arm from my nails!!
> 
> lol also just remembered that at one point the midwife made me get out of the pool to check progress, and i really didnt want to... later on, in the midst of the transition drama i said 'IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRRY I CALLED U A BITTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHH' and she said 'noo u didnt, its ok' and i told her that i did, she was just out of the room at the time lol

hahhahahahaahhahaahahhahahahaahhahahahaahhaahahhahahahaha:haha:


----------



## gretavon

When I went into labor with my son I was super excited but was sure I wasnt really in labor so when i went to the hospital to get checked and they started hooking me up and admitting me I realized that was it and I freaked out and started saying that I had changed my mind I was going home and started gathering my stuff while my mom sat there laughing. The nurse came back in after hearing me freak out and convinced me he was coming out no matter where I was and that "we have drugs!" So fast forward I had my epidural and told my deer in headlights husband that " it felt like a cloud had been shoved up my ass" everyone asked what i said and he said" she feels like shes floating on a cloud" and i loudly corrected him "no up my butt the cloud is up my butt and its WONDERFUL"


----------



## gretavon

Also, when it was time to push I insisted I had to fart. I begged to anyone who walked near me to clear the room so i could fart. Of course they wouldnt and the doctor got ready and clapped his hands and got into a. Position like the football guys do when they catch the ball. I looked and him and sighed "alright but I swear im just going to fart really loud dont say i didnt warn you"


----------



## Betheney

MommaAlexis said:


> Someone told me there is a gas you can get, it's just that they use this big medical term for it and that she got it. This was just today so.. ?

It's called nitrous oxide here.... we used to suck it out of balloons as silly teenagers. It's happy/laughing gas. I was at the hospital a couple of days ago and I looked at the taps above the bed head. "Oxygen" "nitros oxide" and a few others I don't remember.


----------



## Emma&Freya

gretavon said:


> Also, when it was time to push I insisted I had to fart. I begged to anyone who walked near me to clear the room so i could fart. Of course they wouldnt and the doctor got ready and clapped his hands and got into a. Position like the football guys do when they catch the ball. I looked and him and sighed "alright but I swear im just going to fart really loud dont say i didnt warn you"

I have just howled laughing haha


When I had my gas & air I didnt wanan give it up but I felt it didnt do anything for me, but looking back it did

I am so jealous of all you ladies going in to have a baby! I want the drugs again :haha:


----------



## isabelsmummy

This thread is amazing! Its making me want to do it all over again.

Nothing funny really happned in my labours - although I didnt want to go o hospital with my 2nd. Im a MASSIVE WWE fan and Raw is shwon like at like 2am over here and I woke up at 1am in full blown labour and I woke my husband up all excited "Get up! Im in labour - AND RAW IS ABOUT TO START :D" he looked at me like I was crazy. So we went downstairs and I sat on my birthing ball watching Raw as my mam and dad came in eyeing me worried about how painful my contractions were becoming and asking me ,"dont you think you should go to the hospital?" I refused explaining how good the storyline was at the minute and its only a 3 hour long show I easily have enough time to watch it all.

In the end my dad had to fight the remote off me and turn the tv off, while DH pushed me out the door as I shouted to my parents to keep watching it and tell me what happens. I was 7cm when I reached the hospital - ooops!


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## WholeHeart

I'm only at about seven weeks, but I just read this entire thread....


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## Lindsey123

gretavon said:


> Also, when it was time to push I insisted I had to fart. I begged to anyone who walked near me to clear the room so i could fart. Of course they wouldnt and the doctor got ready and clapped his hands and got into a. Position like the football guys do when they catch the ball. I looked and him and sighed "alright but I swear im just going to fart really loud dont say i didnt warn you"

I'm sorry but I HAVE to ask. DID you fart? :)


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## Reidfidleir

^That's what I wanna know!:rofl:


----------



## amjon

Betheney said:


> MommaAlexis said:
> 
> 
> Someone told me there is a gas you can get, it's just that they use this big medical term for it and that she got it. This was just today so.. ?
> 
> It's called nitrous oxide here.... we used to suck it out of balloons as silly teenagers. It's happy/laughing gas. I was at the hospital a couple of days ago and I looked at the taps above the bed head. "Oxygen" "nitros oxide" and a few others I don't remember.Click to expand...

Is that what G&A is? I can't use that at all. It always makes me black out and then they freak out and wake me up (before giving me the darn shot!).


----------



## MikaylasMummy

Omg I'm sure this is an old thread that is popped up but I'm sitting her at my daughters swimming lesson trying my hardest to stop from doing the most ridiculously over the top laugh while looking at my phone!!i have never heard so many ridiculous stories,I think I could write a book about this,everyone agree to donate their stories?lol


----------



## Mogurl10

So I refused to push with my first son because I thought I had to poop and the nurses kept telling me I couldnt get up because I needed to push and I absolutely refused to push and I even told the nurse that if they would let me up then I want them to give me a cup and I would "s&%^" in it. All the nurse just looked at me like I was crazy...and so as another contaction hit I yelled "wtf are you guys staring at, you guys are acting like this is the first baby u have ever delivered" one bitchy nurse said "well you have to do your part too" so when grabbed my leg and pulled them up I was having a contraction so I kicked out at her and knocked her over....all I could do was laugh....and she did too after a while....


----------



## gretavon

Lindsey123 said:


> gretavon said:
> 
> 
> Also, when it was time to push I insisted I had to fart. I begged to anyone who walked near me to clear the room so i could fart. Of course they wouldnt and the doctor got ready and clapped his hands and got into a. Position like the football guys do when they catch the ball. I looked and him and sighed "alright but I swear im just going to fart really loud dont say i didnt warn you"
> 
> I'm sorry but I HAVE to ask. DID you fart? :)Click to expand...

Nope. Turns out they were right it was the pressure from the baby...but it did feel like a HUGE fart. I wouldve just died if i had ripped a big one right in the drs face!


----------



## racheal021106

when i was in labour with my daughter i was sitting on the birthing ball totally out of it on gas and air and everytime i thought someone spoke it sounded like they was singing. i was rocking on the ball to them 'singing':haha: 

then after my daughter was born i said to my oh and midwife, "how come you was all singing earlier". the look on their faces like :huh: :dohh:


----------



## amandapanda1

Too many funny things happened during my labour...

Whilst contracting in the pool, I decided I was too cold so tried to wrap myself up in the water and got confused as to 'why this blanket wasnt working'...
I kissed my boyfriends hand too so I was not taking as much gas and air, then a contraction came so I bit his hand instead.

When the head was coming out, they told me 'Ooh we can see the head'... OH looked down and looked disgusted. I looked down after and it definitely was not a desired sight. 

My mun went to text my family that I had started pushing...but another contraction came so I started yelling at her and telling her to get her arse over here...poor midwife thought it was to her!

When my son was out, I tried pulling the cord out of me :s 

I asked to touch the placenta...


----------



## Jess812

a part of my labour, i was sent home for a while as was only 4m (if i remember right) well hubby was starving so decided to stop off at McDonalds, through the drive thru an as he pulls up to the ounter to pay i have one hell of a contraction, gripping my seat, an door, trying not to shout.! she didnt know what to say or where to look!!! lmao!!


----------



## SurferMommy

Gracie W said:


> These are too fun. I'll be sure to come back and post mine when baba arrives. But until then, i'll just tell you my sisters delivery story.
> 
> She stayed with us for the last few weeks of pregnancy so we could take her to the hospital and all that.. So anyways, she got up in the night to get a drink, and her waters broke when she was downstairs. She screamed and my hubby jumped up and ran downstairs, forgetting he had no clothes on. And when I got down the 2 of them were in pisses laughing in the kitchen and the dog was licking up the puddle!
> 
> Then when my sister was pushing she was squeezing my DH's hand. And she dug her nails into his hand so he pulled his hand away. And she shouted at him 'Tommy you're such a bloody pussy, man up and grow some balls'. The look on his face was priceless! He looked so afraid of her!
> 
> And when the baby arrived my hubby was asked 'Daddy do you want to cut the cord' and he said 'No no no, I....' and my sister butted in 'Will someone just cut the frickin cord already, jeesh you're soooooo slow'.
> 
> Afterwards when I was holding the baby:
> Sister: You want one now Grace, Don't you? You have to have one!
> My Husband: If she's anything like you in labour.. no babies!
> Me: You're worse than mom, we're only just married, we'll have a baby when we're ready
> Sister: *Crying* Whaaaaaaat!
> My Husband: Grace, why is she crying!?"
> Me: It's the drugs
> My Husband: What! Drugs! You're not supposed to take drugs when you're pregnant, wouldn't it harm the baby!?!?!?!
> 
> My niece is now 3!

I've just read the entire thread! :rofl: Haha! Sounds like something that'd happen in our family!! The dog, lol, and Tommy's 'cluelessness'! Must come back and post some funny moments from our boys births when I get the time!


----------



## Damita

:rofl: love these stories


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## robinator

When the doc told me to start my first push, I pushed so hard a stream of goo shot out of my crotch and hit DH in the face :rofl:


----------



## Betheney

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL @ Robinator!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Shadowy Lady

hahaha this thread is brilliant! I have an idea I'd be a total nutcase during labour. Will share funny stories if they do happen with you guys later


----------



## SpecialK

I delivered in a small City in Canada and I had laughing gas (G&A). Just gave me something to focus on rather than the pain. 

No real hilarious stories from me...but my water broke at home at around 1:30am. Just before it broke I went to wake my DH to let him know that I thought I may be having contractions but they were still 15 minutes apart. As I touched him to wake him the gush happened and my water broke. So as he woke up I said 'I think my water broke' in a rather panicked voice and he responded with 'Get off the bed!'

Then during labour I was standing at the foot of the bed rocking my hips back and forth and I kept having this clear fluid dribble out of me. I couldn't understand how my water kept on coming out. To which my mother had to inform me that it wasn't my water...I just kept peeing on the floor! So embarrassing!


----------



## sevenofnine

I am very sad that we can't get G&A here in the US... pretty much epidurals only. :growlmad:

It took me two days, but I read through all 43 pages! What an awesome thread!!!! :)


----------



## Sarahcake

Love this thread! Ive had so many laughs at all the hillarious stories! Thank you all for sharing. I will be sure to report back with any amusing goings on when its my turn!


----------



## starburst1979

Thank you ladies!!! Took me a good few hours to get thru them all and I literally cried with laughter at some!! Have decided I don't want gas and air when I have this one, incase I'm horrible to fella and my mum pmsl xx


----------



## Kellen

This is a fantastic thread. I'm currently expecting our first and I'm certainly looking forward to hopefully being as entertaining as some of these stories. :)


----------



## lemongrass

Just wanted to add- you can get g&a in BC. I think it goes province by province.


----------



## TFSGirl

SpecialK said:


> I delivered in a small City in Canada and I had laughing gas (G&A). Just gave me something to focus on rather than the pain.
> 
> No real hilarious stories from me...but my water broke at home at around 1:30am. Just before it broke I went to wake my DH to let him know that I thought I may be having contractions but they were still 15 minutes apart. As I touched him to wake him the gush happened and my water broke. So as he woke up I said 'I think my water broke' in a rather panicked voice and he responded with 'Get off the bed!'
> 
> Then during labour I was standing at the foot of the bed rocking my hips back and forth and I kept having this clear fluid dribble out of me. I couldn't understand how my water kept on coming out. To which *my mother had to inform me that it wasn't my water...I just kept peeing on the floor!* So embarrassing!

:rofl: omg I keep giggling over and over again picturing this hehehe


----------



## BlossomJ

I didn't have a really funny birth, but do remember being very, very talkative with the gas & air & making a prat of myself!

Went in for induction & after being monitored for ages, was given prostin gel to start things off. They said it would probably take a day or two from start to finish so I wasn't really expecting much... DS arrived within 1hr 45!

There wasn't really time to do much when I got up delivery - just straight into the bed & given gas & air. I was insanely hot & asked if I could strip down to my bra & the old hag of a midwife was weird about it & made me feel like this was inappropriate. So after a good few puffs on the gas and air I start telling her she is the meanest women I've ever met & why is she doing this job if she's just going to make everyone feel like crap?! Then as the effects of the gas & air wear off between contractions I proceed to apologise for saying that & that I'm sure she's not a horrible person, I just think she could be a bit more tactful... (and the I get another contraction)... instead of acting like a total bitch! At which point she says she come back & check on me in a few minutes & I start begging her not to go & saying I didn't mean it.

So anyway she does eventually go & comes back with a dr not long after. The Dr examined me & I was chatting away & said that I was glad she was nice because I couldn't stand that old midwife (who was standing right there!).

I also kept saying, I'm so embarrassed, I've done a poo! To which the staff kept telling me I hadn't, but I kept shouting I have, I can smell it! I've done a poo! I'm so sorry, it stinks!

I had two drs stitching me & was told me to keep the gas & air. I was telling the drs that I wished I could see into my vagina to admire their work & that I was sure it looked beautiful! (I'm so glad I coukdn't see!). I was asking what kind of stiches they were doing & whether they enjoyed this part of their work?! WTF?!!


----------



## Sarahcake

Lmao! Entenox can make you do and say funny things. We used to use it on the elderly care ward I worked on to help with pain when changing dressings. The little old ladies used to go doolally on the stuff :D


----------



## BlossomJ

My mum is going to come to the birth too this time & although I want her there, I'm dreading what I'll say! Somehow I don't mind what do in front of DH.


----------



## BlossomJ

Sarahcake said:


> Lmao! Entenox can make you do and say funny things. We used to use it on the elderly care ward I worked on to help with pain when changing dressings. The little old ladies used to go doolally on the stuff :D

Brilliant! Old people saying really inappropriate things would be too funny!


----------



## baby_mama87

Everything went ok-ish in my labour until the very end when I needed forceps, anyway when LO was delivered I needed a lot if stitches and bled quiet a bit. Something just came over me and I went crazy! I had a needle in my spine, local anasthetic down there yet when a poor student doc came in to take a tiny bit of blood I was screaming "nooooo get away from me with that now!" think I nearly slapped her at one point, then whilst being stitched I did the horribliest sounding fart in her face! Thing is I was so high from gas and air I couldn't stop laughing! 

Xxx


----------



## AJThomas

tinkerbelle93 said:


> During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!'
> 
> Poor man! xx

I just about died reading this!! I showed it to my DH and he said "I'll be wearing super tight undies when you go in labour."


----------



## gracy47

LOL!! :haha: !! this makes me laugh much!


----------



## babydust1990

Thought I'd add my embarrassing/funny labour moments!

- When the pain got really bad I was writhing around on the bed and tried gas and air for the first time, I turned to the midwife and said 'this stuff is shit' and threw it!
- They asked me where I wanted my pethidine putting and I turned around and said 'I couldnt give a toss, just give me the damn stuff'
- I begged for an epidural only to be told I was 9cms and it wasnt worth it, I told my OH they just hated me and wanted me to suffer!
- When pushing I pooed... A lot... I really didnt care at the time though!
- They told me they could see the head and the first thing out my mouth was 'is he ginger?'
- While pushing I said 'just pull it out!' once the head started to crown I screamed 'PUT HIM BACK IN!'
- I was pushing hanging off the bed and refused to move :blush:

Labour is a barrel of laughs eh? :thumbup:


----------



## Bon18

Thanks ladies this thread is fantastic entertainment the night before my c section... I'm sure the nurses think the lady in ward c is insane because she keeps on laughing :blush:


----------



## mrsswaffer

Haha! Aw, good luck Bon18! How exciting! :)


----------



## SurferMommy

I could probably write a novel with all the funny things that have happened during our kids births... if I could actually remember half of the stuff I said... so here's almost word for word what happened

Twins:
-Dr: "We might have to do an emergency c-section"... Me: "I'll push 'em out thank you very much"
- (A few hours later) My OH's brother Chris: "God they're so small, especially this little fella" Me: "Naw Christian, they're ginormous".

Indie (30 minute unplanned home birth, we called an ambulance but it didn't arrive in time, so it was just me, my OH Nat and his brother Benjamin in the house):
-Benjamin: "I got towels" Nat "Not my good quiksilver one... awww" Me: "Yipideedoodah! It's a towel! I'm sure when you're son is older he'll by you a new one!!!"
- Operator: "Can you see the head?" Nat: "Urmmm.... yesss..." (face goes white) Operator: "Can you hear me, can you hear me??" Benjamin: (Mumbles wussy under his breath) "Get out of my way, and put the phone on speaker" Nat: "Yes mom" Operator: "So get a towel and be prepared to catch the baby" Nat: "Just breathe hunny" Me: "No I think i'll just hold my breath and pretend i'm scuba diving" Benjamin: "Hang on a minute he's coming.... Haaa!!! Haha!! I just delivered a real live baby!!!" Me: "No I think it's actually a joey Benjamin". Nat: "Hey, I helped too" Me: "Yes you keep telling yourself that Casper the friendly ghost" Benjamin: "Well actually he did contribute... like nearly 9 months ago..." 

I'm a sarcastic person, even during and right after giving birth to a watermelon.. or two! :thumbup:


----------



## Mrs Ellie

SurferMommy said:


> I could probably write a novel with all the funny things that have happened during our kids births... if I could actually remember half of the stuff I said... so here's almost word for word what happened
> 
> Twins:
> -Dr: "We might have to do an emergency c-section"... Me: "I'll push 'em out thank you very much"
> - (A few hours later) My OH's brother Chris: "God they're so small, especially this little fella" Me: "Naw Christian, they're ginormous".
> 
> Indie (30 minute unplanned home birth, we called an ambulance but it didn't arrive in time, so it was just me, my OH Nat and his brother Benjamin in the house):
> -Benjamin: "I got towels" Nat "Not my good quiksilver one... awww" Me: "Yipideedoodah! It's a towel! I'm sure when you're son is older he'll by you a new one!!!"
> - Operator: "Can you see the head?" Nat: "Urmmm.... yesss..." (face goes white) Operator: "Can you hear me, can you hear me??" Benjamin: (Mumbles wussy under his breath) "Get out of my way, and put the phone on speaker" Nat: "Yes mom" Operator: "So get a towel and be prepared to catch the baby" Nat: "Just breathe hunny" Me: "No I think i'll just hold my breath and pretend i'm scuba diving" Benjamin: "Hang on a minute he's coming.... Haaa!!! Haha!! I just delivered a real live baby!!!" Me: "No I think it's actually a joey Benjamin". Nat: "Hey, I helped too" Me: "Yes you keep telling yourself that Casper the friendly ghost" Benjamin: "Well actually he did contribute... like nearly 9 months ago..."
> 
> I'm a sarcastic person, even during and right after giving birth to a watermelon.. or two! :thumbup:

Wow Indie's delivery was so quick, 30 minutes! I wish I had a 30 minute labour! Haha your husband whining over his towel! And the Scuba diving sarcastic remark! :rofl: Was it not a bit awkward having your bil deliver your baby? Well I suppose you wouldn't really care at the time, and now your son and Benjamin will have such an amazing bond, Benjamin was really hero of the hour! And you can mock Casper the ghost! Some guys act so tough.. but they're so damn not!


----------



## Mrs Ellie

Wow :rofl: and i've only gone back 2 pages so far! Going to read more in the morning! Sorry this is really long!
Well with Nate the midwife was such a grump old bitch! I hated her! And when Nate was born and she was putting him on the scales he peed all over her, I mean he absolutely drowned her in pee! I started giggling and said "she's a right bitch, she deserved that" and my husband said "yeah, she is a proper grouch-bag, it's like she's running around with a stick up her ass all of the time". My husband works at the same hospital. And whenever they see each other she gives him dirty looks, even now 6 years later. 
With Jonah and Eli it ended up being a c-section. And I was rambling on and on about being cut open and how I could die from loss of blood. My husband then proceeded to tell me all these c-section statistics. I then told him "Shut up or else i'll grab that knife and go all sweeney todd barber dude on you". He calmy replied "Scalpel, not knife". 
And with Nicky I had the worst contraction and after letting out a huge scream I yelled"Screw you Katie and Kelly!" and my husband just stared at me, he had confusion written all over his face. I proceeded to tell him all about how Kelly Preston and Katie Holmes claim they had silent births and then said "That's some bullshit I think anyway!" then he asked who these people were. So I threw and iPhone at him and shouted "I'm sick of talking to you, google it"! I shouted so loud a nurse came in to check if everything was alright and it turned out she knew my husband and they started chatting. Then I said "Oh my god you're having an affair". Of course he wasn't, but he was just very friendly with this girl, and it just slipped right out of my mouth!


----------



## Scaryspider2

I kept repeating "I sound like a man, I sound like a man!" because of the gas and air! 
Also after loosing complete faith in the midwives (another story but I ended up not believing a word they said), I said "if you are lying to me, I'll spit in your tin of roses!" The midwife goes 'I haven't got any roses' to which I replied "The ones I'll buy you obviously!" ....so I was sort of nice! Lol!


----------



## Wisp

Ahhh these proper made me chuckle. I've been having a really off day getting scared over labour and this has put me right at ease! X


----------



## SurferMommy

Wisp said:


> Ahhh these proper made me chuckle. I've been having a really off day getting scared over labour and this has put me right at ease! X

:hugs: Don't worry, it will be fine. All worth it in the end xx


----------



## SurferMommy

Mrs Ellie said:


> SurferMommy said:
> 
> 
> I could probably write a novel with all the funny things that have happened during our kids births... if I could actually remember half of the stuff I said... so here's almost word for word what happened
> 
> Twins:
> -Dr: "We might have to do an emergency c-section"... Me: "I'll push 'em out thank you very much"
> - (A few hours later) My OH's brother Chris: "God they're so small, especially this little fella" Me: "Naw Christian, they're ginormous".
> 
> Indie (30 minute unplanned home birth, we called an ambulance but it didn't arrive in time, so it was just me, my OH Nat and his brother Benjamin in the house):
> -Benjamin: "I got towels" Nat "Not my good quiksilver one... awww" Me: "Yipideedoodah! It's a towel! I'm sure when you're son is older he'll by you a new one!!!"
> - Operator: "Can you see the head?" Nat: "Urmmm.... yesss..." (face goes white) Operator: "Can you hear me, can you hear me??" Benjamin: (Mumbles wussy under his breath) "Get out of my way, and put the phone on speaker" Nat: "Yes mom" Operator: "So get a towel and be prepared to catch the baby" Nat: "Just breathe hunny" Me: "No I think i'll just hold my breath and pretend i'm scuba diving" Benjamin: "Hang on a minute he's coming.... Haaa!!! Haha!! I just delivered a real live baby!!!" Me: "No I think it's actually a joey Benjamin". Nat: "Hey, I helped too" Me: "Yes you keep telling yourself that Casper the friendly ghost" Benjamin: "Well actually he did contribute... like nearly 9 months ago..."
> 
> I'm a sarcastic person, even during and right after giving birth to a watermelon.. or two! :thumbup:
> 
> Wow Indie's delivery was so quick, 30 minutes! I wish I had a 30 minute labour! Haha your husband whining over his towel! And the Scuba diving sarcastic remark! :rofl: Was it not a bit awkward having your bil deliver your baby? Well I suppose you wouldn't really care at the time, and now your son and Benjamin will have such an amazing bond, Benjamin was really hero of the hour! And you can mock Casper the ghost! Some guys act so tough.. but they're so damn not!Click to expand...

Hmm a little bit I guess. But if he hadn't have been there Nat would have definitely fainted and I would be there on the sitting room floor all by myself.


----------



## Betheney

I decided yesterday that it would be weirder for me having my brothers watch me give birth than my brother in-law. Haha. I dont know why but I'd be so freaked out if my brothers saw my bits. But my BIL? Well it's just not as weird.....

for me anyway


----------



## cassarita

Scaryspider2 said:


> *I kept repeating "I sound like a man, I sound like a man!" because of the gas and air*!
> Also after loosing complete faith in the midwives (another story but I ended up not believing a word they said), I said "if you are lying to me, I'll spit in your tin of roses!" The midwife goes 'I haven't got any roses' to which I replied "The ones I'll buy you obviously!" ....so I was sort of nice! Lol!

OHHHHH MY FRICK I JUST DIED INSIDE! hahahahahahaha. I had to go with my friend one time for a procedure and they gave her gas and air and she kept trying to talk to me after she sucked in the gas and she sounded HILARIOUS!!! I ended pushing the mask back on her face so she would stop because I was trying not to burst out laughing.. OHH GOD hilarious.


----------



## BlossomJ

Is gas and air different in the UK? I didn't sound funny... Unless it was just that no one told me!


----------



## Mrs W 11

BlossomJ said:


> Is gas and air different in the UK? I didn't sound funny... Unless it was just that no one told me!

No I don't think I did either?!


----------



## luci and bump

I thought I did. In my head my voice was really deep and slurred, like when the batteries are running low on a cassette tape, but according to my OH, I sounded completely normal!!


----------



## Scaryspider2

I've just given birth again and the lady who's roses I threatened to spit into said 'do you remember me, I delivered your first?!' She didn't remember the incident but thought it was funny when I told her! Lol! I didn't do anything this time as my established labour (2nd stage) was 3 minutes long! 0


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## Sarahcake

LMAO no way!!
What a coincidence that you got the same midwife, thats crazy!


----------



## Scaryspider2

Sarahcake said:


> LMAO no way!!
> What a coincidence that you got the same midwife, thats crazy!

Well the second was delivered by someone else but the midwife from the first took over at the end! Still, a bit of a coincidence!!


----------



## fl00b

i got so high on the g+a, i started shouting my MIL was a cow... thank god she wasn't there!


----------



## griffinh

Yay i can add mine!!!

During labour, I kept apologising to everyone for making any noise. Kept asking why Sophie didn't want to come out

I was pushing for over an hour and every time I pushed, my legs would seize up, which would make me stop pushing. My oh said to me 'come on one more long one, harder ... harder than that, now even harder' so i yelled: 'if its so easy you fucking do it!' 

My voice also sounded deep and slurry on g&a !!!


----------



## Vegan mum

Well mine is more embarrassing than funny!:blush:
My contractions were coming strong and I really needed a wee but didn't feel like I could leave the gas and air as the toilet was next to the room I was in. The midwive then gave me one of those disposable bed pans and said to do it in there so I squatted so high on gas and air in the middle if the room and half way through she said are you not gonna sit on the bed to do it?! Well why didn't you say so?! I am just glad I didn't trip and drop the pan ewwwww really more tmi! She was lovely though and laughed it off x


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## wamommy

:rofl: :rofl: 

I was having a bit of a bad day, and reading through this thread has cheered me right up! 

I don't have a funny birth story (yet!) but we'll see in a few months!


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## Aelanu

Just read all 46 pages and ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!! It took me like two days but SO worth it- and can't wait to add my story in about 10 weeks! Oh joy :D

I feel so much less afraid of birth now- yeah its gonna hurt, but hopefully something funny will come out of it!


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## ferens06

Couple of things I said in labour

'I'm going to be walking like John Wayne for weeks'
'It's too F**KING HOT!' about the pool, cue great escape out of it soaking wet, midwife rolls me the birthing ball and I slide straight off it onto the floor with a thud!
'My poooor bum!'
'Have I pooed? I can't believe I've not pooed yet!' 
*opens eyes and sees poo floating past * 'ohh lovelyyy'
'I wish I was a man!'

I didn't even have pain relief so I can't blame it on that :rofl: the funniest thing was probably OH asking the MW if Niamh had webbed toes though ahahahah!xx


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## Emma&Freya

Ooooo I miss labour :(


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## Bevziibubble

Aww I so miss labour too! :(
I loved the gas and air and shouted out that I 'was fkn p****d!' The midwife looked a bit shocked.
I was also warning them that I had wind and once I started pushing I would be farting lots! :laugh2: 
I bet midwives have such a laugh!


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## emmalouise09

when i was having Lilly they gave me the gas and air everytime i had some tried to talk repeating i'm gonna puke i'm gonna puke no one believed me and i ended up puking all the gown they told me to change into. 
dont understand why i had such a bad reaction to gas and air cuz i didnt react badly to it when i was using it the first time round....


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## Betheney

emmalouise09 said:


> when i was having Lilly they gave me the gas and air everytime i had some tried to talk repeating i'm gonna puke i'm gonna puke no one believed me and i ended up puking all the gown they told me to change into.
> dont understand why i had such a bad reaction to gas and air cuz i didnt react badly to it when i was using it the first time round....

might not of been a gas and air thing. I puked when I was still at home and again in the hospital although I was on G&A by that point. But it may not of been caused by it. I was so off my face on G&A that I didn't even know I was going to puke, I had absolutely no idea! I was lying on my side in bed with the mouth piece in and just started vomiting into the mouth piece and hose and all over my face, hair and body.


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## jasminejo24

i asked to look at my stitches in a mirror afdter they were done... my partner said i looked tidyer down there grrrrrr


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## Dawnlouise30

I did a wee on the theatre table just as they were about to put the epidural in prior to forceps delivery (big baby at 10lbs 7 ounces) I did warn them i needed a wee,they told me i didn't then all i heard was a trickle and i was weeing. I also swear i weed on the bed because it was 'easier' than moving away from the gas and air to go to the toilet. 
Gas and air was great,i was out my face lol..... Apprantly i turned to DH in a calm voice and said ' i have panicked,i forgot how to breathe,i can't breathe. Help me'.... It was at this stage i was begging anyone that came in the room to help me. 

Dawn


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## doggylover

I am still a while away from labour and don't know whether to be terrified or looking forward to what stupid stuff I say! My favourite story is the woman who asked if her child was ginger!!!! :rofl: that is so something I would do!!!!!!


----------



## gretavon

I had my second son 8 days ago and despite two epidurals it was incredibly painful. At one point i was in so much pain all i could do was scream and cry and tell my mom to "get him out just get him out" they went and got some special labor lady who said he was pressed up against my pubic bone and to help open my pelvis they were going to put an oblong shaped birthing ball called a "peanut" inbetween my knees while i laid on my side. I was in too much pain and screaming to loud to hear all this all i heard was the nurses talking about "getting the peanut out" and "someone get the peanut" and i was muttering to myself why the hell are they calling my baby peanut over and over again. After i pushed him out i looked at my dr right in the eyes and begged her to give me drugs just give me all the drugs you've got she did but the nurse administering it was sooooo slow! Im still in stirrups getting sewed up and shes calmly standing there drugs in hand " hi im nurse so and so, im just going to give you some demorol, it might be cold going in and you might start to feel dizzy" blah blah blah i just interrupted her and said "yeah yeah thats great i dont care what youve got just get it in there for crying out loud!!!"


----------



## babydust1990

doggylover said:


> I am still a while away from labour and don't know whether to be terrified or looking forward to what stupid stuff I say! My favourite story is the woman who asked if her child was ginger!!!! :rofl: that is so something I would do!!!!!!

That would be me :smug: Gas and air is great stuff!


----------



## KelWin

SurferMommy said:


> I could probably write a novel with all the funny things that have happened during our kids births... if I could actually remember half of the stuff I said... so here's almost word for word what happened
> 
> Twins:
> -Dr: "We might have to do an emergency c-section"... Me: "I'll push 'em out thank you very much"
> - (A few hours later) My OH's brother Chris: "God they're so small, especially this little fella" Me: "Naw Christian, they're ginormous".
> 
> Indie (30 minute unplanned home birth, we called an ambulance but it didn't arrive in time, so it was just me, my OH Nat and his brother Benjamin in the house):
> -Benjamin: "I got towels" Nat "Not my good quiksilver one... awww" Me: "Yipideedoodah! It's a towel! I'm sure when you're son is older he'll by you a new one!!!"
> - Operator: "Can you see the head?" Nat: "Urmmm.... yesss..." (face goes white) Operator: "Can you hear me, can you hear me??" Benjamin: (Mumbles wussy under his breath) "Get out of my way, and put the phone on speaker" Nat: "Yes mom" Operator: "So get a towel and be prepared to catch the baby" Nat: "Just breathe hunny" Me: "No I think i'll just hold my breath and pretend i'm scuba diving" Benjamin: "Hang on a minute he's coming.... Haaa!!! Haha!! I just delivered a real live baby!!!" Me: "No I think it's actually a joey Benjamin". Nat: "Hey, I helped too" Me: "Yes you keep telling yourself that Casper the friendly ghost" Benjamin: "Well actually he did contribute... like nearly 9 months ago..."
> 
> I'm a sarcastic person, even during and right after giving birth to a watermelon.. or two! :thumbup:

oh my that's funny as f**k!!!!!


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## KelWin

Okay, so I've never gotten past the 1st Tri, but my sister has a funny story about her first son. Our mum was in delivery with her, and baby 'marked his territory' at just 4 minutes old. "Went off like a firehose" was how MW described it. :D


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## shelbelle33

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

I would kill my husband!!!!! We love Jimmy Johns and living in California there are not close ones. If he did that I would def kick him out of the room and make him go get me one for after the baby was born, lol.


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## Aelanu

When my baby sister was born, my Mom REFUSED to let my Dad hold her until he went out and got her a Whopper from Burger King- she had been craving one for months but couldn't have it because she had gestational diabetes.

Needless to say, my Dad left after she was born to get her a Whopper. To this day he doesn't know my sister and I held her before him :blush:


----------



## charlie_lael

My MIL was there during my (really looooong) labor and I remember turning to her and telling her to go get something to eat cus she hadn't eaten since dinner the previous night. And she said something like, "I don't want to make you feel hungry/bad." and I was like, "Look woman, I could really care less about food right now. I'm more concerned about having to push this baby out of my vagina!" :haha: My doula thought this was hilarious and proceeded to post it on Facebook.


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## kanga_n_kiwi

OK I have a few, some you might have had to have been there but they bring a smirk to my face every time i remember them. 
First was with my third child Daniel I was on gas and air and high as a damn kite i was at cm and in a hell of a lot of pain I went from cm to 10 in matter of seconds and midwife told me i could push. I flat refused and she asked why and i told her in my drugged out mind haze that had already done this twice before so didn't want to. She told me i had to I swore like a sailor and push twice poor kid came shooting out and was that badly bruised his ear were black and blue and they asked if daddy was of colored back ground. When hubby did come to pick us up midwives gave him death glares and told him that they didn't want to see me back in ere again next year......lmao ( my children's ages at 11,10,9.7,3 )

Fourth baby labor was a quick one and since i was in the L&D by myself I was again stoned on gas and air and begged for an epi. Poor bloke who tried to explain what he was doing could not get a lick of sense out of me and i was crying asking for my husband who was at home with the other three kids... Midwives were trying to console me and told me he was at home looking after the other kids I screamed out "when is someone going to look after me for once" Midwives at that stage were ready to kill my husband and willing to geld him when they saw him. They sat me up so could get the epi and as i went up i grunted. Midwife asked if i was pushing I screamed NOOOOOOOO and crossed my legs telling them they had time to give me the epi... They didn't Poor baby was born a few minutes after..
Fifth Baby I was induced and it was a busy day at L&D midwives going back and forth between us all.... I was happy in the land of gaga gas and they had a student doctor who wanted to watch the birth. I asked if it was her first and she said yes. I then said sorry if i was going to be her first as i was a swearer and screamer. That poor woman stayed with me the whole time and i did try and behave but I remember they checked me and then ducked next door to check on another woman in labor an they told me i had a five minutes to go. I slipped up and scream like F**K and pushed with everything i had. just as the midwife was leaving she rushed back to catch my daughter as she was sliding off the bed end...Just in case you are wondering i hate pain and after so many kids i KNOW how to push and do it very very well......lmao


----------



## rottpaw

These are awesome ladies! Thanks for sharing and giving this mama a laugh! 

I think the funniest part of my first labor (funny for everyone else, anyway) is that when dr was stitching me up, i told her not to make anything smaller! :blush: I've always been small down there anyway and did NOT want any well-meaning dr stitching things up tighter than they had been! :rofl: I was completely serious but am sure she thought it was the drugs! :rofl:


----------



## lapanm07

-stalking-


----------



## Nixtey

Every time i had a bit too much gas and air i looked at my mom and OH and kept saying "the world is spinnnnnnnnning! i think i should stop drinking now!"
G&A just made me feel so drunk!


----------



## lolita1990

I. Love. These :happydance::haha:


----------



## BUGaBOO

When my aunt gave birth to my little cousin after being on pethidine - the midwife handed him to her and her first words were, as she took him,'did you know Marks and Spencer's are doing sushi on special for 99p?'


----------



## amotherslove

i had a dream about poodles when i passed out between contractions and i was trying to explain it to everyone..

i also very vividly hallucinated that i was giving birth in my bedroom and was legitimately worried that my screaming and hitting the bed would knock my paintings off the wall.. but what i said was "i'm so loud the pictures are gonna fall off the wall" everyone looked very very confused. 

and when i was pushing i kept biting my friends thumb.. i felt bad for her so i moved to bite my mother instead and then i remembered she has arthritis pain in her thumb so i very slowly removed my teeth and went back to my friends thumb. lol.

those are my only funny stories. 

unless you find it funny that i "refused to push" without an epi and so he was shoving the needle in my back as she was crowning..i didnt find it funny.. but it might be lol.


----------



## mara16jade

Just read the entire thread! Took two days, and wow did I laugh my butt off!!

Does anyone know why we can't get G&A in the USA? We get it at the dentist, so why not for L&D? :( 

Has anyone be able to get G&A in the States?


----------



## BrokenfoREVer

I think you can, it just goes by a diff name. Etenox? maybe.


----------



## katerdid

These are great!


----------



## MomPepperdine

Bwhahaha first off I wish I could has g&a and second you all are ginger haters! Lol I'm a red lol

So with my first I was induced ans soooo hungery I had all 3 meals and sandwichs between and was still sneaking food lol the ladys weren't sure where I was putting it lol

Then when I jumped from like a 6 to 10 the dr wasn't able to come right away so with all the nures in the room I yell were the hell is the f(*king dr! And here he is walking in saying right here lol oops

With my 2nd I went into labor at home the day b4 I joked with dh that I was going to go into labor Sunday night and he was going to miss work well I did the whole drive I was yelling go faster slow down I don't was to get pulled over! Then the only parking close the l&d is handy cap so hub parked there then the doors wouldn't open so I start running to the er ent and he pulls them open like hulk! Lol I get to the trio room and b4 the guy can shut the door I'm naked on the bed he checks me I'm a 8 he doesn't put the rails up and starts running me to a room! Funny night hub said thank goodness there wasn't 2 cuz the dr wouldn't of caught the 2nd one I pushed less then a min


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## QueenTUT

Great stories! Wish I read these before birth and I would have relaxed more!! :)

I woke up w a pop! It was my water breaking. We took our time to get to the hospital bc I felt fine. We had to wait in triage to make sure my water broke( the puddles I left in several places I guess weren't convincing) we heard a lady screaming like an animal and her husband laughing at her, my husband and I proceeded to make fun of her sounds and then a few seconds later I had my first REAL contraction. Karma was a bitch I felt so bad that I laughed at that poor woman. 

Everything else went great and smooth. Had an epidural and dialated slower. My husband somehow convinced the nurse to let him check me the next time for dialation. He was so fascinated the whole day by wverything. She reluctantly agreed and before he did I asked for ice chips since we were in no hurry. He went to get them and she pulled the sheet back and mouth dropped open, all of a sudden nurses were in and the room transformed lights came on and everyone was moving fast! My husband came in and said what's going on. The nurse just pointed and sure enough our lo head was crowning. 10 min later he was born!!


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## Jaimie2Eyes

QueenTut - did they check your water under a microscope? I went to a birth center after my water broke and they sent me to the hospital to get my waters checked to make sure it was amniotic fluid:dohh: What the heck else could it have been?


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## Pino6161

Jaimie2Eyes said:


> QueenTut - did they check your water under a microscope? I went to a birth center after my water broke and they sent me to the hospital to get my waters checked to make sure it was amniotic fluid:dohh: What the heck else could it have been?

Ironically my SIL and thought her water broke and it turned out she just peed herself LOL


----------



## QueenTUT

Jaimie2Eyes said:


> QueenTut - did they check your water under a microscope? I went to a birth center after my water broke and they sent me to the hospital to get my waters checked to make sure it was amniotic fluid:dohh: What the heck else could it have been?

:haha:yes!! They actually had a this swab and if it turned a certain color it was amniotic fluid!! I truly thought when u waddled in making a trail of liquid they would just take you to your room haha! How spoiled am I?! 

That is funny your sil had peed herself!!! I could totally see that happening so I guess it's smart they do check!!!


----------



## lilbeanfolk

QueenTUT said:


> Jaimie2Eyes said:
> 
> 
> QueenTut - did they check your water under a microscope? I went to a birth center after my water broke and they sent me to the hospital to get my waters checked to make sure it was amniotic fluid:dohh: What the heck else could it have been?
> 
> :haha:yes!! They actually had a this swab and if it turned a certain color it was amniotic fluid!! I truly thought when u waddled in making a trail of liquid they would just take you to your room haha! How spoiled am I?!
> 
> That is funny your sil had peed herself!!! I could totally see that happening so I guess it's smart they do check!!!Click to expand...

Ha ha, sorry but I had this happen at about 26 wks, thought I was leaking fluid, turns out I was peeing!! Ahhh, you can't have any shame and be pregnant or a mother ;)


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## Mandyblur

When it came to pushing the midwife attempted to take the G&A off me - she failed miserably!

Between pushing i was puffing away on the G&A - i was high as a kite! The midwife told me to push and i refused, looked at my wrist (with no watch on) and said "sorry but its my coffee break now" My husband was doubled over laughing and the student midwife walked out the room holding her hand over her mouth - dont know what they're problem was i only wanted a coffee :shrug:


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## flashy09

About 3 hours after I gave birth, I had all sorts of visitors in my room. A nurse comes in and turns me on my side to "check my bottom." Everyone gets really awkward and tries to look away and talk amongst themselves, however, when I get turned on my side I.Can't. Stop. Farting. Like loud blasts one after the other. My epidural was still lingering so I had no muscle control and couldn't stop it and they just kept coming and coming. Everyone was trying to ignore it as they are all very proper, which really made it more awkward then if they had just laughed, and I was dying of embarrassment from the 10 farts in a row, but then the nurse loudly exclaimed that I had given myself a hemorrhoid from pushing! The whole room just went silent and I could have slapped that nurse!


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## shinona

OMG flashy09! That is hysterical! Sorry but I am laughing so hard.... I would have given you a round of applause if I'd been there!


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## jaymarie1991

I promised myself I would add mine, not really funny tho

When I was in the theatre for my csection and they started I shouted,"I can smell burning skin!" Then I kept asking for a tummy tuck during the procedure, when they took him out and showed him to me I kept asking if they were sure he's mine cause he doesn't look like me. Then in recovery kept slapping my legs saying I can't feel a thing and I look like a cow! When it was time for me to sit up I kept asking the nurse if she was sure my belly was not gonna pop open when I stand up I was really freaked out about that


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## Jilliank2005

Loved this thread when pregnant, hoped I wouldn't be adding to it but sadly I managed to embarrass myself! 

I work at a hospital, not in obstetrics and when I was given the gas and air I beckoned my husband over and whispered to him not very quietly "it's like I'm at work but I'm pissed"

A doctor arrived to cannulate me and it turned out to be someone I'd worked with, again, whispered to my husband, "****, i know her but cant remember her name". I knew full well what her name was. I think she was worried about getting a cannula in me which she did well first time, but before she left the room I pulled it straight out, blood gushing everywhere, which I just stood looking at. I just said, "err Nadia, you know those patients that pull their canulas straight out, that's me!"

Later in labour, I had my epidural but it wasn't stopping intense pain in my left hip and was still using gas and air. I was so drowsy and the gas and air was making me sick but I wouldn't put it down. The anaesthetist and midwife were discussing what to do about my pain relief and I appeared to be talking, not in English, into the gas and air device. When they asked what I was doing I just said one word, very seriously... "dictaphone" I use these a lot at work, and I guess I still thought I was at work dictating a letter.

The TV in the room was stuck on Dave and was showing a Man versus fooD Marathon. I was trying to explain the concept to my husband and at various stages tried to persuade him I had cooked the pancakes that were on screen and also that I had been in the kitchen that was on screen, it was the strongest sense of deja vu ever!

Edit to add... As I was being sick, the midwife, anaesthetist and my husband were trying to discourage me using has and air except when I really needed it. I thought I was being really clever telling them I had a contraction all the time. I was so tired I was falling to sleep and my husband - encouraged by the anaesthetist - tried to take the g&a away, I opened one eye and said "I think you know better than to do that".


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## kbwebb

Jilliank2005 said:


> The TV in the room was stuck on Dave and was showing a Man versus fooD Marathon. I was trying to explain the concept to my husband and at various stages tried to persuade him I had cooked the pancakes that were on screen and also that I had been in the kitchen that was on screen, it was the strongest sense of deja vu ever!

i just had to send this to my OH, i thought it was hillarious especially as we watch that all the time :haha:


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## Niccal

I was a full two weeks overdue and was induced, I couldn't cope with the pain so ended up having two lots of pethidine...which sent me loopy!

It made me queasy and I was constantly burping - and I kept saying pardon me after every. single. burp. I couldn't help it - even when the midwife told me I had a pass and not to worry!!

Then I couldn't wee, I wouldn't let hubby leave me and ended up crying hysterically squatting over a little cardboard bowl still unable to wee (had a catheter in the end)

I got obsessed with the gas and air making a certain noise when I breathed it in, I was insistent that this meant I was doing it 'properly'!

Then to cap it all off I started talking absolute crap - I think most of it was incoherent mumbling, which hubby obviously couldn't understand...but the few classics hubby likes to remind me of are...

Going on and on about jam doughnuts because I'd heard an advert on the radio that everyone else had missed

Pointing at a trolley with sandwiches and yogurts on it, which someone had abandoned in the room (there was no trolley)

And the final gem I doubt I'll live down, I kept saying something about Dave being in the field with horses and he won't dance! 

I definitely left my dignity at the door!! :haha:


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## yoshy

These are hilarious! I read through all 50 pages in the past week or so, and I imagine I'll be adding my own funnies in 6 months time...

The thing that actually made me laugh even more than the great stories is that some of the tickers are still showing pregnancies even though the babies have been born... 
I think the funniest one was one from sometime early 2011 which said the mum was 91 weeks and 5 days pregnant!
All I could think was "holy crap, that sounds scary!"


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## private26

these are brilliant, have been showing hubby some of the poo ones to prepare him, due 7 weeks today wih our second but nothing embarrassing happened with dd1 so I bet I'll have something to add this time x


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## SophiaEli

The only funny moment I can recall now happened when I was almost done, at the last stage of labour. When I delivered the placenta I exclaimed: "It looks like a liver, please pack it for my husband..." And I did not expect this "joke" from myself and could not laugh after all the suffering :shrug:


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## Tinky_82

SpecialK said:


> I delivered in a small City in Canada and I had laughing gas (G&A). Just gave me something to focus on rather than the pain.
> 
> No real hilarious stories from me...but my water broke at home at around 1:30am. Just before it broke I went to wake my DH to let him know that I thought I may be having contractions but they were still 15 minutes apart. As I touched him to wake him the gush happened and my water broke. So as he woke up I said 'I think my water broke' in a rather panicked voice and he responded with 'Get off the bed!'
> 
> Then during labour I was standing at the foot of the bed rocking my hips back and forth and I kept having this clear fluid dribble out of me. I couldn't understand how my water kept on coming out. To which my mother had to inform me that it wasn't my water...I just kept peeing on the floor! So embarrassing!

Love this - this thread is great - I've been scaring OH with the tales of G & A :winkwink:


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## KittyKatt

These are awesome! When I had #3 the Dr was going to check my cervix, but when I moved my legs my water broke and nailed him in the side of the head. That was almost 8 years ago and I still laugh about it. He was so shocked.


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## Betheney

KittyKatt said:


> These are awesome! When I had #3 the Dr was going to check my cervix, but when I moved my legs my water broke and nailed him in the side of the head. That was almost 8 years ago and I still laugh about it. He was so shocked.

Aaaaaaaaah hahhahahahahahaha

Must of squirted out with quite a force


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## shanny

When I had my 4th they thought nothing was happening so sent husband home .....we live hour's drive away so my husband went to my mums .....10 mins away......then things moved really quickly.......they said they had phoned my husband at home.....and i was like he's not there.......get me my phone now!!!!!.....anyway he got there 10 mins before birth thankfully .....anyway by the time he was there i was thinking I've had enough of this so i decided to shut my legs and hope it would all go away...........the midwife was shouting open your legs!! open your legs!!! So I did and my waters then burst all over her and Hazel popped out soon after.........husband said it was really funny but I don't remember it in quite the same way.......


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## chulie

Omg!!! Thank you ladies. These were awesome!! 

I can add mine..it starts when we were in our prenatal class..the midwife told us a story of a couple that were in her class and she tells them to bring a picture of something to the hospital to focus on..and she said "like your cat or something" so then in the delivery room the husband pulls out this random cat picture and the wife was like "WTF?!?" ..apparently the husband just hear bring "a cat picture" to focus on..so fast forward to my labour and I'm working through a particularly bad contraction and my husband pulls out this random cat photo.....as a joke..it definitely did the trick..I couldn't stop laughing!! 

Also, when I was labouring at home...poor DH..I apparently was such a bitch..he was trying to do all those things the midwife had suggested..but I wanted nothing to do with him....so he kept saying "oh is that a good one" after every contraction...and I snapped and was like " stop f'ing calling them good ones!!!!!! I want to hurt you"...He also decided to have a "snack" while I was in labour and then came over to "help" me...again he got so close and I could smell meat on his breath and I snapped again.."your breath is disgusting..go brush your teeth"..hahaha I felt so bad..I said if I had heard how I treated him from anyone else I would have thought " what a b&@$ of a wife" hahahaha hahahaha.


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## cherrylee

Really great stories ladies, thanks for sharing I had a great few laughs!


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## Twinkie210

I had a planned c-section with DS#2 so no funny stories :( but with DS #1 there were so many! My family had gathered in the waiting room while I was pushing. I have a younger brother who was in high school at the time and a cousin (female) who is the same age. They were actually joking around farting on each other! In front of other people!

My son ended up getting stuck so needless to say I pushed for a long time (close to 2 hrs!) DH was standing by my head "helping" each time I pushed he would put his hand on the back of my head and "push" too. I finally turned to him and told him if he touched my head one more time he was leaving, LOL. After DS was finally born (thanks to forceps!) they laid him on my chest and my first words were, he looks like my brother! DH was not too happy that that was my first comment about my son haha. But he did! He had this reddish tint to his hair and he had really thin looking side burns! 

Oh I also had stadol before my epidural and I kept forgetting who had visited me and kept telling people that the walls were moving. That stuff made me act very strange LOL


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## Hispirits

Hannah said:


> When I went into labour I was really controlled until it came to the emergency section, then I was quite hysterical, the anaesthetist had really bad breath and was right in my face explaining things to me and in my drugged up hysterical state I thought I whispered to my DH "get her away from me, she f***ing stinks" but I actually shouted it at the top of my lungs over and over again apparently, oops!!!

Love it!
Love this thread so much! I read up to page 45 last night!


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## darkstar

I was kneeling on the raised bed end during late first stage and OH was helping me off the bef to go and pee so I am perched in his arms as he lifts me to my feet. My waters break and as they are gushing out all I could think about was that his shoes would get ruined so I start waving my arms at him saying BACK UP! REVERSE! I kept watching his feet and telling him don't get your shoes wet it will squelch! He was laughing and said don't worry about my shoes 

Oh and when I knew I was ready to push I hid it from the midwife even though I had told her when I was in transition (told her I felt like I wanted to die so I think I am in transition)
When the pressure in my butt to push started the midwife kept asking me if I was feeling anything different etc and I kept saying "no I don't know what you mean". Third baby so I was procrastinating because I had no time for pain relief other than gas and I knew it was going to be hard work.


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## Mazzy17

The Drs and midwives didnt believe i was in labour so when i finally got into the labour room, i was given gas and air and diamorphine. The midwife asked if i needed a poo. So with my drugs flowing i yelled "I need a great big shiiiiiiiiiit" Hubby and MIL think its hilarious now :haha:


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## nicki01

This is brilliant!


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## lele316

These are great. I don't have a funny labor story but...
A day after my C-section with my DD ex hubby was in the bathroom helping me out and asked me something that made me laugh loudly. As I'm laughing I hear my mother say through the door "isn't it too soon to start on the next one?". When we came out of the bathroom I tell her "wait til you hear this...he's helping me and asks me why am I bleeding if the baby didnt come out of there. His face was totally serious and he has no fing clue lol." My mother just starts laughing and then looks at him as he says"OK well maybe I should of thought that one out a lil more before opening my mouth" My daughter is 4 we are no longer together and she still gets a kick out of telling this story lol


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## Lady_Venom

As I pushed my daughter's head through, I let out a loud scream/growl and then my neighbors started banging on the wall. I was so embarrassed but laughed thinking they probably think we are having a good time dtd or something. I later found out they thought OH was trying to murder me so they were going to call the cops. My midwife later went over to explain a home birth was happening and they denied they even banged on the wall lol. Next time I will inform the neighbors....im still so worried about an awkward confrontation in the hallway. :wacko:


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## Feff

This thread is too funny lol! It's making me less scared of labour too considering my family think I'm not 'normal' at the best of times so bring on the gas and air:haha:


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## Butterfly89

I tried as long as possible without medication, so I ended up pretty loony from the pain alone. I ended up having an epidural at 7cm because my LO was stuck with his head tilted up at my hips and the doctor couldn't turn him, and then again did the same thing at my pubic bone, silly thing. They gave me something through the epidural tubing that made me say crazy things. I could hear myself talking but just completely not control it. Some things I remember... (the nurses were laughing most of the time in between contractions/pushes lol)... 

"Just so you know, I'm not opposed to a lot of stitches. I'd like one of those designer celebrity vaginas." Then after a really bad contraction a moment later. "Ok, just tell the doctor to sew it shut please. We are done having children." 

Then when they said they could see the head, I asked "Is it very fuzzy???"

At the very end I was embarrassingly loud as the epi had worn off. I was telling them "No no no I can't do it!!!" Then my mom arrived at the hospital early, thinking I'd had the baby and popped her head in the door and said "Can I come in?" having no idea I was literally on the last few pushes and I rudely shouted "NO GET OUT!!!" And then proceeded to tell them I couldn't do it and they had to inform me he was already out and put him right on my chest because I said "No I don't believe you!" I remember feeling really suspicious at the end and being so sure everyone was lying to me.

It was really like nothing else, lol.


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## YikesBaby

Hey ladies!!! I can finally add to this thread! I have a few good moments. :) 

To set the stage - I had a completely drug-free home water birth... 

Baby was stuck, so my MW suggested I try to poop to make room... I tried and tried for hours it seemed and when it finally happened I proudly announced it to everyone. 

I could not stop BELCHING... over and over... and apologizing every time. DH and MW started counting them, they thought it was so funny. 

Due to complications and the risk of a possible hospital transfer in the middle of a blizzard, my MW had her back-up call an ambulance, just in case... and while I was pushing with all my might she was on the phone with the world's stupidest 911 operator. The convo went something like this:

*911*: "911, what's your emergency?"

*MW*: "I am a licensed midwife attending a planned home birth, and we require EMS assistance due to fetal heart-rate deceleration."

(meanwhile I am pushing and groaning about 3 feet from her)

*911*: "Is the patient there with you now?"

(Really???)

*MW*: "Yes, we're in the middle of a birth and are seeking assistance due to fetal heart-rate deceleration."

*911*: "So, there's something wrong with the patient's heart-rate?"

*MW*: "No, it's the FETAL heart-rate"

*911*: "Oh, the fetal heart rate is accelerating?!"

*MW*: "No, DE-celerating... going down, dropping"

*911*: "The mom's heart-rate is dropping??"

*MW*: "No, FETAL... as in baby!!"

*Me *(mid-push): "These guys are idiots!!!!"

*MW*: "Ok. I am hanging up now...is there anything else you need?"


Also, after the baby came out I agreed to let our parents come in. They had been really panicked... but in my endorphin haze I forgot about the placenta and stitches I would need... so my FIL came in just in time to see me spread-eagled delivering the placenta. I think the poor guy was going to faint!!!

Finally, while they were stitching me up, I said, "You know what would be good right now?? Donuts!!"

:)


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## Harley Quinn

Love this thread. I've only read up to page 14, but I intend to come back and read them all before baby #2 comes!

So, here's my story... I totally pooped like three times during my two and a half hours of pushing, but I didn't really think it was that bad and the doctor was good about cleaning it up. Anyway, about an hour after Ozzy was born, DH and I were discussing whether or not he had already had is first, dark, sticky poo. I thought he for sure had done it on the way out, and pointed to my leg for evidence. "See, there's poo on my leg. I think he pooped on the way out." My DH just gave me a sympathetic look and informed me, "Oh, sweetie, that's yours."

I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was soooo embarrassed! Looking forward to more funny stories with baby #2's birth. :)


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## Zoe_x

Mine may be a had to be there moment but my midwife in hospital looked identical to maria from coronation street (UK mums will know what I'm talking about!!) And I had first met her a few weeks before I gave birth at my antenatal classes at the hospital! I said to my OH then that I hoped we didn't get her when in labour as I knew I would end up telling her when high on pain relief/delirious with the pain and sure enough she was looking after me when I went in to have my DS!! I did tell her when I had been given pethidine haha!

Also, when it came to the time to start pushing I was knelt up on the bed and my waters still hasn't broken so I started pushing and I must have had a really full bladder because I kept doing massive wees all over the bed! This happened six times and each and every time I kept asking `was that my waters` and the midwife just said errrr no and I kept saying `oh no have I wee'd myself again I'm so sorry this is so embarrassing!!` as they had to change the sheets every time!


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## mrsswaffer

My little boy was born 14th Feb after only a 4 hour labour. We managed to get to the hospital in time, and got on the gas and air. My body started pushing before I even had my PJ bottoms down! Anyway, I was so focused on what I/my body was doing, there was no time for funny or embarrassing things to say or do! :p


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## Birdling

I'd had a spinal block because I needed forceps and so couldn't feel anything from the waist down.

After my son was born and they were busy wrapping him up etc, i was looking about and saw some large blue things in the air.

I asked my husband what they were and with a very straight face he said,

"They're your legs"

:blush:


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## Jaimie2Eyes

That is hilarious bridling! Must have been time to put your legs down if they were turning blue!


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## jasminejo24

after i was stitched up i asked them to show me what it looked like in a mirror so they did then i told my OH to have a look and give me his oppinion 

"it looks tidyer than before"

i could have killed him


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## Amy89

Love these! Spent about 7 hours reading from the beginning! Looking forward to adding mine in December :D 
I want gas and air NOW dammit!


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## Parkep

I'm not sure if I put this in here when I hadn't first so I'm going to now. I was high on gas and air after she was born (they were stitching me up and it didn't freeze properly) and they showed me dd and I said " aw! At least I don't have pretend she's cute" the nurse was laughing so hard! 
Dd will never hear that story lol


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## Parkep

Oh! And with Dd1 they kept trying to take my gas and air away. At one point i growled at the nurse, my oh said "I think for your safety, you might want to leave that with her" lol! It was his nice way of telling them to piss off hahah! It was what I concentrated on lol. 

With dd2 my midwives sent me home because my labor had slowed by the time I got to the hospital. I got home and of course it picked up I had a shower, tried to nap, threw up in the sink all while oh napped on the couch lol. I was bouncing on my birthing ball when my waters broke. I woke up oh and he said should I call the midwife?(they met me at the hospital) I asked him to wait well during the next contraction he called. The midwife heard me and yelled at oh for waiting so long haha! Oh made at 35 min trip in 14 mins. I had Dd2 15 mins after getting to the hospital. The midwife apologized for yelling at oh, she panicked lol! I told her not to worry he slept thru all of it he deserved it lol! (I didn't really mind him sleeping, It was less distraction)


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## Pineappleaddi

I have a reaaaly embarrassing story! Went I went into early labor with DS she said my bag was just hanging there ready to pop but I was only 3 cm dilated so to get it started she wanted to break my water and get the pitocin going. I told them the ONLY way they were going to break my water was if they gave me the epidural first LOL which they refused of course lol (with DD it took about 1 minute of my water being broken to go into full blown wanting to die contractions, and 20 mins of pushing and out popped DD) Next time they checked me she said hmmm you seem a little backed up and opted for an enema!!! Well OFCOURSE I didnt want to explode on the table while pushing so I did it and those SOB'S tricked me!!! LOL two second of letting the enema out and my water exploded LOL.. So I pull the emergency button and start to panick as the contractions oll in full forse trying to wipe myself and not drip on the floor as the nurses come running into the room asking whats going on , I tell them my water broke and they just come to a slow walk and turn around and all but one leaves and I got the epidural just in time (like the last time) It was VERRRY dramatic AND PAINFUL but needless to say they did get things going :) and about 25 minutes later we had a beautiful worse every drop of that STUPID ENEMA!!!


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## Pineappleaddi

and about 25 minutes later we had a beautiful "baby boy worth" every drop of that STUPID ENEMA!!![/QUOTE]
baby boy worth


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## usamom

Beat thread ever! I have been laughing for hours!


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## Pineappleaddi

LOL I totally agree!!!


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## MrsStutler

jasminejo24 said:


> after i was stitched up i asked them to show me what it looked like in a mirror so they did then i told my OH to have a look and give me his oppinion
> 
> "it looks tidyer than before"
> 
> i could have killed him

Hahaha, sounds like something my DH would say! I asked my OB how many stitches I was getting and she just said, "You don't need to know that." :haha:


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## Cazran25

These are brilliant - much as I am dreading labour I think I will take my tablet to the hospital and read these through when I'm in the early stages to give me a chuckle!


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## tinkerbelle93

not really a labour story as this was after delivery but the next day on the maternity ward my episiotomy was causing me a lot of pain so I asked a nurse for an ice pack. A few moments later she returned with a condom full of ice (do they do this at other hospitals too? I was quite baffled although pleased for the pain relief) and my OH just couldn't get over it, pointed at it and announced 'That's what we DIDN'T use hahahaha!' really loudly. Immature or what?? xx


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## mara16jade

^^ LOL too funny!

And I have heard that hospitals used ice filled condoms, as well as telling you to use them when you get home too.


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## J04NN4

After giving birth my midwife offered to push my piles back in (yuck, I know, and that's not even the embarrassing bit). A few moments later I felt something slide out :sick: High as a kite and having lost any semblance of dignity, I announced to the whole room (2 midwives and a student), quite happily, at the top of my voice: 'OK, so either my piles just came back out or I just shit myself' :haha::blush: 

It was the piles, not poop, in case anyone was wondering :haha:


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## Louise88

In the middle of giving birth I was that high on gas and air I randomly came out with.... "You know what I really want? A latte" the midwife just looked at me and went "you can have on after but right now you really need to focus on getting this baby out" 

Talk about being so relaxed and chilled with a baby coming out your lady bits! Lol


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## dizzy65

When my water broke i was talking to my mom dad and DH and Sister and it broke and i said "oh my either my water just broke or i pee'd my self" lol

During the labor and pushing part i kept saing "no no i cant push any more i am so tired its to hard" but mean while when i was saying i couldnt push any more i was pushing lol i couldnt stop it..


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## MrsStutler

tinkerbelle93 said:


> not really a labour story as this was after delivery but the next day on the maternity ward my episiotomy was causing me a lot of pain so I asked a nurse for an ice pack. A few moments later she returned with a condom full of ice (do they do this at other hospitals too? I was quite baffled although pleased for the pain relief) and my OH just couldn't get over it, pointed at it and announced 'That's what we DIDN'T use hahahaha!' really loudly. Immature or what?? xx

Oh my goodness, I didn't stop laughing for at least 5 minutes:haha:
Our hospital uses baby diapers for ice packs, they cut a hole at the top of the inner liner, fill it with ice and then clamp it off with a little plastic tie. Condom with ice actually sounds like a REALLY good idea lol


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## Aready

When I got to the hospital I was 6 cm dilated and I remember the admissions lady asking me if I was being induced that day. I guess I didn't look like I was in enough pain. I wanted to punch her in the face.


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## Betheney

A few hours after the birth my hubby was in the room with me and a team of obstetricians and training obstetricians came in and asked a bunch of questions, one asked"So you haven't done a pee yet" and i said "oh yeah i have, no issues there" and he pointed to the jug in the bathroom and said "but it's empty" and i got very stressed and embarrassed and i could feel my face going red before i mumbled my reply "....because i peed in the shower" my husband just looked down at me and shook his head.

I WAS SO HUMILIATED!!!!!

looking back now i laugh and wished i'd just said "oh i didn't know to use the jug and used the toilet"


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## mrsswaffer

Betheney, the midwives told me to wee in the shower for the first wee to take the edge off the stinging. I couldn't do it so soon after the birth.


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## Betheney

mrsswaffer said:


> Betheney, the midwives told me to wee in the shower for the first wee to take the edge off the stinging. I couldn't do it so soon after the birth.

oh that does make me feel better!! I mean i was still on the maternity ward not in the birthing suites (yes it was that quick). The toilet was in a room across the hallway from my room and the shower was in a room further down. I had to run from my room to the shower semi naked at 3am and hope no one was walking down the hall, if i was going to pee i was going to have to go back out into the hall still semi naked, plus i hadn't really met my baby yet and was anxious to hurry up!!

I just can't forget the look on my husbands face and the slow shake of his head when i had to admit i peed in the shower!


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## Parkep

I was also advised to pee in the shower. First time and after that if it hurt too bad. I wouldn't feel bad at all!


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## CIM

Haha.


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## Wriggley

Gas and Air had a really big effect on me - my mum even said she needed the toilet as an excuse to leave the room for a bit :/ she said you could hear me right down the hall and everyone was loooking :/ 

I was literally screaming I LOVE MY BELLY RUBS :/ - midwife ended up taking the gas and air off me coz i was being to loud lol.

a student midwife also asked me permission to watch my birth just as i had took a nice big gulp of gas and air i literally screaming of course you can my darling in her face.

then a midwife with carrier bags on her feet walked down the hallway and i started shouting yay! hiros here!!! come up on the bed hiro :/ i thought MILS dog had come to visit me.

i also had red wrist bands instead of white coz of an allergy and i probably told the midwife i had 'special' wrist bands about 30 times coz i told her every since time she came in the room :/


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## Anthrogirl

With DD#1 when I was pushing and she was about to crown, I leaned back (I was squatting) after a particularly tough contraction. I could see my lady parts reflected in the doc's splash glasses and noticed he was about to cut an episiotomy. At that time I told him to move the scissors and that if he cut me I was gonna "kick him in the F$%@ing head".

With DD#2, I was coming out of transition with contractions triple peaking and lasting about 2 mins with very little break in between and suddenly I needed to push. I kind of knew that I'd been bearing down for a bit, but I was pretty roughed up after 48 hours on pit with no food...I leaned over and told OH to "push the button, I need to push". He patted me on the back and said "no you don't, you're just contracting really hard, honey" to which I grabbed him by the collar and hollered at the top of my lungs in his face "Push the f%&*#ing button, this baby's coming out!!!!"! The CNM was there before he even pushed the button and DD2 was born in less then 6 mins and 2 contractions. The docs didn't make it, the peds doc didn't make it and the room wasn't even ready for a newborn yet! I think the first words out of my mouth were,"I told you I had to push."


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## Lovemybump1

These are fab......wonder what my story will be :)


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## Jaycrew

I was 2 wks over due- went in for my last weekly check and the PA goes to check my cervix and he's like "WOw you husband must be happy" I was like "whaaaat- glad to know i still got it-I said that in my head of course- plus didnt mind his comment because he was a cutie- and I knwo he didnt mean any harm - just a funny guy) ANywho- He goes your no where near being dialated so come back tonight we are going to induce- Im like heey Im ready -he told me no ham sandwiches (I always had one whenever i cam in for an appointment) - I said thats fine- Im ready to get this done-SOOO

I went home called everyone - i said- yes- I have time to go do my hair pack some cute clothes put on a cute outfit make up- so while im lfat ironing my hair - I feel wet and after ten mins of me trying to figure out if I peed on myself my water breaks- so i call labor and dleivery they tell me to just come in which we do- I get there no dialation they decided to give me potocin to help what little contractions i was having - By 4 cm- everyone left me to rest - I wake up in the middle of the WORST LABOR OF MY CHIL BEARING LIFE!!! I was moaning - asked the nurse where is my family she tell me in the waiting room- so i tell her im in pain i wan tmy epidural now- She checks and is like your still only 4 - I think you should wait until 5... i think your overreacting" (MIND YOU - IM in a CATHOLIC hospital- and this nurse has to be like 55 or 60 with glasses) I go "FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK!!!!!!!! FUUUUCCCK FUUUUUUCCCCK!!! I WANT A FUCKING EPIDURAL NOOOOW!!! She stops and looks at me and is like "Excuse me?" I yelled out I said FUUUUCK!!!! I WANT MY EPIDURAL!!!!! Another nurse and my Dr run in and say whats wrong? - and i start crying like a puppy and get quiet and pathetic - and say "please i just want an epidural and she wont give me any" LMAO- so needless to say i got my epidural :)


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## Anthrogirl

I think bad language in labor is cathartic...


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## wamommy

I didn't know I had an embarrassing story until I got up the nerve to watch the video of DS's birth. I remember as I was pushing my hip cramped up and I needed to put my legs down on something, so I lowered my leg and relaxed for a minute. Right after that a nurse grabbed my foot and I thought, 'oh thank goodness, what a helpful nurse."

As I watched the tape I saw that I had rested my foot right on the Doctor's face! The nurses and Doctor started laughing and the nurse quickly grabbed my foot. Luckily he had a sense of humor :dohh:


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## MissPolley

haha i really cant wait now after hearing all these great stories :D


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## Butterball Ma

I didn't have anything too crazy happen. However, I remember asking for an epidural and the nurse said, well, I'm not sure he'll get here in time. You can do it without. To which I replied, well, then I just won't have this baby. Hmph! I did, of course, get my epidural. Lol.


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## Dream.dream

I don't know about funny but I had the gas and air , I held it to my far so tight during contractions I was loopy . 

I couldn't focus my eyes on anything which I thought was funny so I couldn't stop laughing , I looked like a mad woman


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## kbwebb

The only funny thing about my labour was how relaxed I was. I was shoved in assessment for four hours because they had no bed for me, even tho I had poo in my waters. Even when I was contracting every three minutes for one to two minutes I still managed to sit there hysterically laughing at the music on the radio 'don't stop believing' 'push it' and some 80-90s dance songs lol. then it was changed to another radio station which was playing 'late night love songs'


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## Glitter_berry

I had a few embarrassing things happen. But the only funny thing I remember is when they bought breakfast around toast and juice. My doctor came in to break my waters and she was dilly dallying around. And I just blurted out. " gee thanks, now my toast is cold "


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## nuffmac

Love these. Hopefully i'll have one to add in a few weeks!


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## smileyfaces

When I was pushing with my second baby, one of the ward porters poked her head around the door and said "Sorry to disturb you love, but do you want any food? Fish and chips?"... I just said "Do I look like I want any f*cking fish and chips?!" :haha:


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## kbwebb

Omg! I just remembered!:dohh:
As well as me sitting in assessment with cheesey love songs being played, not long before she was born, i said I needed to push.. turns out I needed to push out a poo.. as soon as I started I knew I was pooing myself but didn't care. I pooed three times, and I also peed all over the bed loads of times pushing, and kept saying sorry lol.


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## mrsswaffer

I still don't know if I pooed or not; I never asked. I'd rather not know! :p I had had a proper clear out at home at the beginning of my labour though, so I doubt there was anything in me!


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## CatAndCo

I couldn't stop passing wind during my first labour! I had to keep waddling back and forwards to the loo as well, I was convinced I was going to give birth on the toilet.


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## kbwebb

mrsswaffer said:


> I still don't know if I pooed or not; I never asked. I'd rather not know! :p I had had a proper clear out at home at the beginning of my labour though, so I doubt there was anything in me!

I didn't ask, I knew because I was still lying on my side legs closed.. so I knew the thing coming out wasn't the head :dohh:


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## MissPolley

There were a couple of funny parts, there is a finger moniter used to measure heart beat and the midwife asked me to "give me the finger"... so i stuck my middle finger up at her and laughed my head off. Also when they notified me they were going to stitch me up I asked her "like a virgin?" but eneded up singing it, made the lady laugh and so did i cause i got the gas and air back after pushing without it. oh and almost forgot, when i delivered the placenta i ended up splattering the poor registra (lady that delivered Damian and cut/stitched/delivered placenta) she looked shocked but amused :)


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## mara16jade

^^ LOL 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s__rX_WL100


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## MissFox

:rofl:


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## MissPolley

MissPolley said:


> There were a couple of funny parts, there is a finger moniter used to measure heart beat and the midwife asked me to "give me the finger"... so i stuck my middle finger up at her and laughed my head off. Also when they notified me they were going to stitch me up I asked her "like a virgin?" but eneded up singing it, made the lady laugh and so did i cause i got the gas and air back after pushing without it. oh and almost forgot, when i delivered the placenta i ended up splattering the poor registra (lady that delivered Damian and cut/stitched/delivered placenta) she looked shocked but amused :)

it cause i remember some one asking for one more stitch to make her like a virgin again hahaha!


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## Plex

Id already been in the assessment ward an hour earlier but the contractions got so bad that I went back in. The MW was saying how there wouldnt be much change and implied that i was making a fuss over nothing saying that she supposed she would run me a bath to help with the pain. As I was clearly in agony she examined me (without telling me first) mid contraction, just as my waters went all over her + there was baby poo in it. I was 8cm at the time & I remember thinking that'll teach u! :)
After this I kept repeating 'Im bloody starving' over and over :haha:


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## yoshy

I may think of something more soon, but right now all I can think of is how my labour started.
I'd just written a comment on a fb group I'm a member of about how I was fairly certain he wasn't coming in the next few days and that I was no longer expecting him before June 17th (this was June 12 in the morning). Next thing i know, I feel a pop and a trickle and realised my waters had broken!!!!!


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## Emma&Freya

I wonder when and were my waters will go!


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## Betheney

Plex said:


> Id already been in the assessment ward an hour earlier but the contractions got so bad that I went back in. The MW was saying how there wouldnt be much change and implied that i was making a fuss over nothing saying that she supposed she would run me a bath to help with the pain. As I was clearly in agony she examined me (without telling me first) mid contraction, just as my waters went all over her + there was baby poo in it. I was 8cm at the time & I remember thinking that'll teach u! :)
> After this I kept repeating 'Im bloody starving' over and over :haha:

Both my labours had one internal examination that were done at 10cm and 9cm. Because the midwives have always insisted i wasn't in established labour. My daughter was born 20mins after the examination and my son was born about 9mins later with 1 min of pushing. lol.


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## Jaimie2Eyes

Yoshy - that's great about posting on FB about not going into labor anytime soon and then feeling your waters break. I was in the middle of a nice long chat with a good friend about her medically induced labor and birth experience when I felt my first contractions. This poor gal was nearly 2 weeks past her due date and the medically induced labor took 2 1/2 days to get rolling. So she was in the hospital for a total of 3 1/2 before she had the baby! Apparently that was enough to scare the crap out of my body and get things going for me. I was a week over due myself and didn't want to go through what my friend went through!


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## Mrs.Mcguin

2RockinBoys said:


> :happydance:
> Here's a story to keep you smiling!
> Gas and Air had a perculiar effect on me. A case of 'Talking with no control'. I was very aware of what i was saying, but i couldn't stop myself from saying it!! It was the following...
> 
> "We have to put the flavour in the bubble gum"
> 
> "All the celebrities have fruit for faces"
> 
> Midwife-"You need to push
> Me-"I cant"
> Midwife-"Why not?"
> Me-"I cant stop thinking about johnny depp"
> Partner-"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really good about myself"
> (And i wasn't thinking about johnny depp, so i really dont know why i said that!)
> 
> Also, after having Auron, being so tired with the long intence labour i passed out (i remember having him put on me and staring at him, next thing i knew it was 4hours later...) Anywho, the midwife came in and started talking to me, to be told by my partner that i was actually asleep as my eye's were partially open :dohh:

Oh my gosh...it's almost 2am and I'm lying in bed next to OH while he sleeps and reading this made me wake him because i was laughing uncontrollably!!! "I can't push because I can't stop thinking about Johnny Depp" :rofl:


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## NerdyMama

Well I found this funny hopefully some of yall will too:
My husband and I decided to stay up ridicolous late to try to cherish life without baby for the last time and literally were up til about 7 in the morning with friends. Got home, dtd, and then an hour and a half later I woke up needing to pee. I barely got my arms under me before my water broke ALL OVER THE BED! I didn't know what to do, so I started nudging my OH saying "Babe, my water just broke! I need a towel now!" And he slightly looks at me and starts cuddling me going "Its Ok." I knew he was barely awake... I told him again, "Babe, towel seriously this is going everywhere, we are going to have a baby soon!!!" And he just pulled me in closer trying to cuddle me lol He has bad parasomnia and this was one of those moments where he thought he was doing the right thing and instead making it harder to get cleaned up! I finally got up, grabbed a towel, and went outside to think (I was a little terrified) and then he comes out to see me, "Whats up?" "MY WATER BROKE! AND YOU TRIED TO CUDDLE ME" "Oh!" lol


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## yoshy

NerdyMama said:


> Well I found this funny hopefully some of yall will too:
> My husband and I decided to stay up ridicolous late to try to cherish life without baby for the last time and literally were up til about 7 in the morning with friends. Got home, dtd, and then an hour and a half later I woke up needing to pee. I barely got my arms under me before my water broke ALL OVER THE BED! I didn't know what to do, so I started nudging my OH saying "Babe, my water just broke! I need a towel now!" And he slightly looks at me and starts cuddling me going "Its Ok." I knew he was barely awake... I told him again, "Babe, towel seriously this is going everywhere, we are going to have a baby soon!!!" And he just pulled me in closer trying to cuddle me lol He has bad parasomnia and this was one of those moments where he thought he was doing the right thing and instead making it harder to get cleaned up! I finally got up, grabbed a towel, and went outside to think (I was a little terrified) and then he comes out to see me, "Whats up?" "MY WATER BROKE! AND YOU TRIED TO CUDDLE ME" "Oh!" lol

That's pretty funny :)

After my waters broke (just realised I forgot to add this to my story below), the first thing I did was go sit on the toilet and start laughing my head off at the absurdity of what had just happened (the whole fb post and then water going).
It took me about 5 minutes to calm down enough to call my doula. :haha:


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## susied

"Put her back in" is my fav!! Subscribing! Keep it coming ladies!


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## Carly.C

As I was about to start pushing, the midwife commented on the radio on in the background and said we'll see what song is playing when baby u born. Anyway...... In between contractions and pushing Macie out (no pain relief so I felt everything) I noticed the song playing was 90's classic "Hadaway, what is love...... Baby don't hurt me!!!!" The gas and air gave the the confidence to ask if the radio DJ was takin the friggin piss playing that song, much to DH delight, he thought it was hilarious!


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## AC1987

Ok I cannot remember if I posted here after having my LO..

But these moments seems funny to me! There were a few..

First when we get to the hospital I was in complete denial I was in labour because it didn't hurt. So anyways this one nurse says to me in a chipper foreign accent "Now change into the gown and lay back because we need to check your cervix" I know my DH made some comments about it but cannot remember it :haha: 
Right before it was time to push her out, I kept fighting my body for like an hour, til I finally said, I give up I need an epidural or something. The midwife knew I wanted to try it naturally so she's like "The babies head is right here I don't think it'll work, are you sure you don't wanna just push it out?" to which I whined at her "Nooooo I need SOMETHING ANYTHING just give me anesthetic numb me up plleeeaassee" And then while they were calling them, I had my back turned to the door, apparently the whole team came in to put it in me, and I couldn't see or wasn't aware of them or the midwife so I say to my DH "Omg they're not even coming they're all just being SO slow and the midwife just took off somewhere!!" to which hes like "Uhhh they're here" I was in pain at this point and so exhausted, my butt was hanging out, the anesthetic guy comes over and puts the gown or sheet over me so I'd be covered, then I had to sit up, as they were inserting the needle I yelled "omg!! You hit a nerve!! NOw I'm gonna be paralyzed!!" :dohh: 
After it kicked in it was like the most amazing feeling ever having no pain after a lot.. I'm pretty sure I was going on about how amazing I was feeling LOL
Then after I was ready to push I for some reason said that where the lights that come down from the ceiling is where the bodies are kept :dohh: the midwife thought it was HILARIOUS and was telling the nurse who in turn also thought it was funny, and I really didn't find it that funny at the time as I thought I had said it in my head :haha:


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## Harley Quinn

LOL. "That's where they keep the bodies." Priceless!

Well, DS2 is now 16 days old, so I guess it's time to share about his birth.

First, it was only a 3 hour labour, so it was short but really intense, especially compared to the 24 hour labour I had with DS1. With my first labour, laughing gas alone was enough to get me through, so I thought it would do the trick this time too. NOPE. The nurse asked me if I wanted something (they had fentynal ready for me) and I said "Yes, please." Well, she wanted to check my cervix first, and when she did she said I was about 8-9cm with a bit of cervix still on top. She wanted to get the doctor to check me, and in the meantime I kept saying "HELP ME!!!", which my DH found hilarious because there were two nurses and the doctor there to help me. :doh:

Just before the doctor checked me, I yelled "Can I push?!?! I just pooped myself for Christ's sake!!!" Ha! It's true, I had just felt that I had pooped which is weird because I never actually felt "the urge" to push before that moment. Anyway, the doctor checked me and said yes it's time to push, which was a huge relief. It took just four contractions to push him out!

After, they gave me the laughing gas while the doctor was stitching me because the freezing didn't quite do the trick and I could feel the stitches going in. I guess I was really sucking back the gas because the nurse said, "You really like this stuff, don't you?" I said, "Yeah, maybe a little too much. In fact, I think we'll have another just for this!" Ha!


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## Lovemybump1

Reading these stories, mine is pretty normal!! Laboured pretty quickly so didn't have any pain relief until I was fully dilated and pushing. Half way through pushing him out my stomach started growling so I told everyone that I wanted food. One of the midwives kept trying to get me to hold my legs as well which I didn't want to do because I knew I'd get cramp in my leg muscle. As his head was coming out, I got cramp in my leg!! I think I made more noise with that than with giving birth (I was surprisingly quiet through it all, just moaning quietly through the contractions). Whilst pushing I was telling my dh to "massage my leg, massage my leg".


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## sheldonsmommy

This is a great thread, so I thought i'd contribute.

After an induction got things going, my waters were broken and I got an epidural. My obgyn was asking if I felt pressure because I was 9 or so cm dilated. She was like, "where exactly is the pressure?" to which I replied "it feels like there's a fucking BEACH BALL UP MY ASS!"

When my son wouldn't come out despite 3 hours of pushing and forceps, I had to get a c-section. During the surgery I lost a bit of blood and was getting quite shaky. The anaesthesiologist thought I was panicking so started giving me laughing gas to calm me down. The baby was born and everyone was happy and the obgyn showed him to me all wrapped up, huge bruise on his face from the forceps. "A whopping 9lbs 1oz!" she says, and all I could muster was "What a fucking asshole."

If she wasn't wearing a mask i'm sure i'd have seen her jaw drop lol


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## Baby_Dreams

I love this thread, I've read every page! I hope to add my own in a few days time!


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## lunarsea

Well, I was induced with my first, so the onset of labor was pretty damned quick and was incredibly intense, and I had no idea what to expect. 
We arrived at the hospital at around 1 a.m. (yes, they scheduled me to be induced at 1 a.m. I still have no idea why my old OB made this choice) and I hadn't slept, so I was already loopy to begin with.
When I started to go into labor after a bit on the pitocin drip, I thought I just had to crap really badly, so I sat on the toilet for about 20 minutes yelling about being constipated, then freaking out when I had my bloody show and bringing the tissue out of the bathroom where nearly my entire family saw the bloody mess. 
Once contractions really kicked in, I was given a popsicle to ease my mind, I guess, and that popsicle got everywhere. I would be happily eating the popsicle and as soon as a contraction hit, I would start swinging it around everywhere, dripping red popsicle all over my OH. 
I was offered an epidural early on as the anesthesiologist was needed for an emergency c-section and I wouldn't have been able to get an epidural for at least 2 hours if I didn't have one then, which I was not happy about. Every time I had a contraction I would scream "GIVE IT TO ME PLEASE" and each time the contraction subsided, I would start crying, saying, "No, please I can wait, I can do it, I promise!" 
Eventually I agreed to the epidural, but no one told me about the button to press to release more of the meds, so it started to wear off and I started screaming (and apparently having some extreme mood swings while screaming) about needing to "take a really huge shit, is that embarrassing? I really need to shit right now! I'm sorry I just said shit. Am I giving birth to a bowl movement?"

I'm told at some point I started swinging at my MIL telling her to "Get the hell away from me" but I don't remember doing this at all. I do remember, however, screaming at the top of my lungs while pushing and one of the nurses having to cover my mouth and I'm pretty sure I may have tried to bite her. 

I also am told I screamed, "Get him out of me, mom" at my doctor, or something similar to that, even though she wasn't in the room at the time, and I remember passing out for a moment once I saw his head come out of me.

After I was done giving birth I was unknowingly given percoset (I have no idea how to spell it, I thought they were giving me Motrin, so I asked for two) and a photographer came in to offer newborn pictures.
Apparently I tried to answer her and ended up falling asleep in the middle of answering her and just moaned incoherently at her until my OH woke me up. 
After that, I kept thinking I was awake and continued to mumble nonsense at my OH for a long period of time before the nurse came in and I asked her why I was so nauseous and then proceeded to throw up onto the floor where I could have sworn a trash can was and mumbled "What the fu_ck?!" before they decided not to give me any more meds stronger than Motrin. :haha:

Not incredibly hilarious, but that's what I've got to share. In less than two months, I'll have more to share, I hope


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## WhitheartsQ

Loving reading these! Thanks for sharing! 
Wonder if I will have my own funny story later on!
34


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## Niks

Loved this thread all the stories are so hilarious. Keep them coming ladies.


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## paula88

Mine was only 3 weeks ago,
I'd been induced by 3 pessery tablets by this point and the contractions were getting very strong but the midwife didn't believe me and on the monitor the numbers didn't go up high either. So here she comes with 2 paracetamol I wasn't impressed and shouted to my oh ( on a ward with 3 other women) that she should of just gave me fucking calpol :D. 
Then my waters suddenly went on the bed and so I told OH to get her, she comes back and says ill ring delivery to see if there is a bed available. While she left I suddenly started to get the need to push so I did while making stupid whale noises as I was in agony. Another midwife who was working downstairs in delivery walked passed and heard me so came rushing round the curtain in the ward as I'm pushing. Her response was oh dear we need to go and then arguing with the one who had gone to see if there was a bed. Looking back it was so funny. Then all I remember I was pushing down and there telling me to stop. Both the midwives grabbed the big heavy bed and were pushing it out the ward but hit the door frame instead with some force, I shouted that u wanted to me to stop pushing but your gonna force the baby out by bashing my bed instead Lol. Anyway they get the bed into the lift ( this was 6pm in the hospital and visiting hours so people were everywhere seeing me pushing my daughter out ) 
The lift had a glass mirror in it and I could see everything when my legs were bent up under the sheet I shouted again its her fucking head omg it's her head. Once out of the lift boy could these midwives run with a bed. My baby girl was born 1 minute later in a delivery room :) 
Once I had gone back up to the ward with baby Emily, the other women on the ward was telling me how it was like a carry on film listening to me and then the bed hitting the wall. 
:D


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## RockEtX

I spent all day yesterday and last night reading every page of this Thread. Hilarious. I'll add one of my own. 

I was laboring in triage with my 3rd child, had just been checked and was only at a 3. I had to use the restroom so I got up and waddled down the hall. Did my business and that is when my water broke. Right into the toilet. At first I had no idea what was going on, I just thought I couldn't stop peeing. It finally dawned on me what was going on after sitting there for the longest time gushing fluids. 

I told the nurses in the hall that my water broke and they didn't believe me. They told me they'd send someone to check on me in a few minutes so I waddled back to the triage room and waited. Someone finally came in and I told her that my water broke. She looked at me like I was a complete moron and said my midwife only checked me a few minutes ago and that my water couldn't have gone already. I looked at her and said "are you serious!? What do you think I'm doing right now, gushing pee out of my body to make it look like my water broke?!"

She said it was impossible and 2 other nurses came in. They talked to each other about how there is no way my water broke already and that I was mistaken, in front of me... I started to get fed up with being called a liar and spoken to like I was stupid. So... during a huge contraction I angrily ripped the covers off of my body like a she-hulk, spread my legs, and yelled "then what the hell is this you dimwits!?". They looked over to see my waters gushing out of me like a dang waterfall all over the bed. They jumped as if they really were not expecting to see that. Then, one of them said "well, we still need to get a sample to confirm".

We had moved out of state for a year so I had never been to this hospital and had only met the midwives that worked there a few times before going into labor. After she said they needed a sample to confirm, I looked at my husband and said "oh that is it, we are going home, I want our stuff packed and us moved back NOW! I want my old hospital back! I refuse to deliver my baby with people who probably couldn't tell if I was pooping or crowning!"

One of the nurses laughed hysterically and said "I'm going to work on getting you a room. As soon as we do, would you like any pain meds for the pain?"

I decided she could stay after that, but the others had to leave. They left and the nurse who promised pain meds took my sample. My midwife came in a little later, maybe 10 ish minutes, and said that my waters did indeed break and that the sample confirmed it. I looked at her and said "noooo, you don't say!"

I was a grump, obviously. I had never had my water break so early and as soon as it did my labor became seriously intense. 

Fast forward to finally getting a room. I asked the pain medicine nurse if I could have some yet, and she smiled with it already in her hand. I started to feel what ever it was just about immediately. My husband burst into laughter, as did the nurse, when my eyes glazed over and I started singing "BOOOORRRN FREEEEEE, FREEE AS THE WIIIIND BLOOWS!"

Fast forward again, contractions are worse, meds wore off (yet still a little loopy), epidural still pending, I was a mess. For some gosh awful reason, no one could figure out how to keep the door shut to my room. People just walked in and out of it without ever thinking to shut it. At one point, a random man walked by and saw me yelling and moaning in pain, quickly turned his head away, and that is when I realized my gown was open. I flipped. I yelled out to the nurses and midwives in the hall "DO YOU PEOPLE THINK WE ARE ON A FARM!!! CAN'T ANYONE FIGURE OUT HOW TO SHUT A FRACKING DOOR! I DON'T WANT RANDOM PEOPLE WALKING BY TO SEE MY ANGRY VAGINA!"


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## Dragonfly

In my last labor someone tried to hand me paracetamol and I went to town on them. I was 8cm dilated. My doula said she couldn't keep a straight face. I sounded like the nan that catherine tate did. "F*cking paracetamol"! Told her to go away with it.


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## magicwhisper

all the stories are hilarious! :rofl:


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## ladyluck8181

In my last labour (#4) I was admitted to the postnatal ward because my waters had broken but I wasn't in active later, I was also preterm (36weeks). Around 12.30am contractions started hard and fast so the midwife decided to stick me on the monitor as she didn't want to examine me in fear of infection, 20 minutes later she comes back in to tell me my very painful contractions were not regular and I was not in established labour. By now I was crying at her telling her I was in labour and I needed to go to the delivery suite and I needed my husband :shrug: She told me she would go speak to the doctor to see if she could get me some pethidine to make me sleep as it was now nearly 1am.

Whilst she did this I decided to go to the toilet which was about 100 metres up the corridor from my room, big mistake. Once I sat down I realised that the pressure I was feeling wasn't just a need to go pee, and my god I couldn't get back up so I thought I'd press the emergency call button. I found out at this point you can't actually reach if you are sat down on the bog :growlmad: I eventually managed to pull myself up using the disabled hand rail, started walking very slowly back to my room, then I felt it so slow the babies head so clever cow here instead of rushing back to my room, nooooooo I walked back to the toilet and sat back down :dohh:

5 minutes of speculating that something was happening and I finally got up inbetween contractions and made it back to my room. I got on my knees on the bed and I was holding onto the headboard, I pressed the nurse call button and told them that I thought baby was coming. I got tutted at and told a dr was on the way to discuss something to make me sleep, 5 minutes later I realised I was pushing so with all common sense having left the building, instead of pushing the call button next to me, I started screaming for help (god bless all those new mummies that had just got their newborns to sleep) about 7 people ran in the room! The midwife came back and said she would like to examine me then they would take me to the delivery ward, at this point I rang DH off my mobile to tell him to get to the hospital now, we lived opposite the hospital so a 5 minute walk to get to me. 

Needless to say she took my pj's bottoms off and said I would not be going delivery suite because she could see the head :wacko: I started pushing again and at that point all I could think to do was to grab the babies head trying to hold it in saying 'that she has to stay in there because he's going to miss it'. Surprisingly, it didn't work and 2 pushes later she was born at 1.15am exactly weighin 5lb12oz! 

Hubby walked into the postnatal ward to be told congratulations by another nurse and he actually thought she had got him confused with somebody else as I had sounded so calm on the phone, until he walked in and I was there cuddling our new daughter.#

Looking back now it was hilarious, and I wish the whole thing had been captured on camera lol, in my notes my established labour was documented as 22 minutes :haha:


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## Dragonfly

when I was being induced first time at one point I was laying on my side, every time the midwife went to check me I fated. I had no control over it . Never happened in two labors after that but the contractions made me fart in my first.


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## hayz_baby

I had really bad constipation with lo and during the later days found it really uncomfortable pooing. When the midwife checked me she said to try and go as she could feel me blocked up. I was convinced I was going to poo myself. Anyway fast forward to pushing (which was over 2 hours btw) as the head was crowning (I had to have a local down there as I had an episiotomy and ventouse delivery) it felt like I was pooing, it really annoyed me but for some reason I couldn't get the poo out so I asked the midwife to get rid of it for me. I was told there was no poo just baby. So yer I asked the midwife to get rid of half pushed out poo... Tht wasn't even there....


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## PandaMao

Omg ladies this thread is hilarious. Somehow reading this has made me less nervous of delivery. Not that I'm anywhere near that yet.


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## tinkerbelle93

paula88 said:


> Mine was only 3 weeks ago,
> I'd been induced by 3 pessery tablets by this point and the contractions were getting very strong but the midwife didn't believe me and on the monitor the numbers didn't go up high either. So here she comes with 2 paracetamol I wasn't impressed and shouted to my oh ( on a ward with 3 other women) that she should of just gave me fucking calpol :D.
> Then my waters suddenly went on the bed and so I told OH to get her, she comes back and says ill ring delivery to see if there is a bed available. While she left I suddenly started to get the need to push so I did while making stupid whale noises as I was in agony. Another midwife who was working downstairs in delivery walked passed and heard me so came rushing round the curtain in the ward as I'm pushing. Her response was oh dear we need to go and then arguing with the one who had gone to see if there was a bed. Looking back it was so funny. Then all I remember I was pushing down and there telling me to stop. Both the midwives grabbed the big heavy bed and were pushing it out the ward but hit the door frame instead with some force, I shouted that u wanted to me to stop pushing but your gonna force the baby out by bashing my bed instead Lol. Anyway they get the bed into the lift ( this was 6pm in the hospital and visiting hours so people were everywhere seeing me pushing my daughter out )
> The lift had a glass mirror in it and I could see everything when my legs were bent up under the sheet I shouted again its her fucking head omg it's her head. Once out of the lift boy could these midwives run with a bed. My baby girl was born 1 minute later in a delivery room :)
> Once I had gone back up to the ward with baby Emily, the other women on the ward was telling me how it was like a carry on film listening to me and then the bed hitting the wall.
> :D

Hahaa oh that's hilarious! And that showed the midwife who didn't believe you were properly in labour lol! xx


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## lov3hat3

After squeezing my sisters and best friends hands until they bled they needed a bit of a break so they switched with the midwives but I was soo drugged up I didn't know they switched a I got a really bad contraction and ending up biting the midwifes hand :dohh:

when I was being wheeled of to the pool room that I didn't want I was hanging of the bed shoutin my nut of and smacked my head on the door frame as the wheeled me in. I also remember singing the teletubby theme tune after they gave me my first shot of pethadine :haha:


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## siobhankerry

_i had been in labour a good 8 hours before i agreed to have any pain relief somi took gas n air just to take th edge off & OMFG lol i was high as a freakin kite, i just remember eyeing up the nurse everytime she came to my right side too check on little ones heartbeat & just like watching her like a hawk all over the room haha, as high as i was i stil managed t hear certain things in conversation & i just rememeber hearing the MW telling my fiance and my mum that i was making her uncomfy and a little frightend haha , i guess what i thought was just innocent intreiged watching , was actually a frightening, death , gonna rip your lungs out kinda stare ..OOOOOPSIEEEE xo_


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## bamm

I had a male midwife - and in typical male fashion he decided to take a newspaper and go off to the restroom, but basically as soon as he'd left my epi wore off and was in ridiculous pain from dd being posterior, and there was all of a sudden about 2-3 obs/epi guys in the room, then when my MW came back in the look of absolute panic on his face was priceless!  

We still laugh about how scared he looked, bet he hasn't spent as long on the can while on the job since!


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## PearDrops20

I had been pushing for about half an hour as he just wasn't coming under the pubic bone? I think :haha: when I asked the midwife if she could just put her hand up there and pull him out! She just said sorry but I can't do that for you. 
& before that I had been very quiet during my whole labour, hadn't made a sound just breathed on the gas & air or bit it and my OH goes you can make a sound you know? -_- I gave him that look and he backed off haha I just didn't wanna make a sound had no desire too lol the only time I did was when he crowned and it stung like anything & I wiggled to get through it haha the midwife found it hilarious! :flower:


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## lunarsea

Oh, I meant to add this earlier, this was not actually during the delivery of my son, but the delivery of the placenta.
After they had taken my son to be cleaned up on a nearby table and the doctor was tugging a bit on the placenta to encourage its delivery, it finally was out and the first thing my doctor did was hold it up to me and say, "This is the placenta, some women fry it and eat it!" 
He then placed it into the pan to be taken away so casually as if he hadn't just told me something really unusual for just having been in shock seeing my son's head poking out of my vagina and nearly passing out lol.
Then again, this was the same doctor who told me about some porn where the guy's penis could be seen via abdominal ultrasound. 
That was just weird :rofl:
I have a different doctor this time, which I'm sorta glad about, but I do miss the amusement of the weird things that doctor used to say :haha:


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## Amy89

He sounds wicked - I really like people who drop out random things like that, it just makes me smile :)


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## magicwhisper

i love these stories they always make me laugh


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## lunarsea

Amy89 said:


> He sounds wicked - I really like people who drop out random things like that, it just makes me smile :)

Looking back on it, I find the timing hilarious, but at the time I was just in completely shock as it was so it was like, now of all times?!


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## tinkerbelle93

This thread is kind of making me lose faith in midwives though.. there's too many stories of 'They tutted, eye-rolled and refused to believe I was even in labour... 7 minutes later the head was half-out'!! I hear so many of these kinds of stories, surely they should know! :wacko:


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## Kitana2010

So when I was pregnant, one of the things my hubby and I wondered most about would be lo's hair color. I have very light blonde hair, and my husband has very dark brown hair. And since dark hair is more "dominant" I assumed our son would have the same.

So while I was pushing, one of the nurses goes "Oh my gosh! Look at that blonde hair!" I stopped mid push and gaped at her and very calmy asked "Really? Blonde? Like a light blonde, or a darker blonde?" The doctor looked up at me dumbfounded and went "I dont know dear, he went back in. Push again and you can see for yourself!" LOL. The nurses teased me the rest of my stay about that.

Another little tidbit my mother and hubby thought were funny, was during the pushing phase - the nurse kept saying "bare down like you have to poo. You'll feel like you have to poo" and she kept repeating herself. It was getting a little irritating so finally I looked her dead in the eye and said "NO. it does NOT feel like I have to poo. I know EXACTLY where that pressure is coming from, and its NOT my butt!"

My Embarrising story..

On my 2nd night at the hospital, OH and I took a nap in the early afternoon while lo spent some time in the nursery. During this time, my OB's stand-in (a VERY attractive older gentleman) popped in to check on me. I have no idea how long he was standing there, or if he had tried to wake me - but somehow, I woke up and saw him standing at the foot of the bed with a confused look on his face. He quickly shook it off, smiled at me and asked how I was doing. It wasn't until he was on his way out that I realized the ENTIRE side of my face and pillow (and even down my neck a bit) was coated in DROOL! ughhhh!!! LOL

edited for one more - 

I was induced (which was stalling due to being dehydrated) so after about 8hrs of extremely painful early labor (where contractions were coming 1-3mins apart) I opted for the epidural. After that kicked in, I felt great. Hubby and I were watching TV, having laughs with the staff, and napping. However, about 5hrs into the epidural (and WELL into full blown active labor) I started to hear this odd beeping sound. I ignored it for a while, I didn't want to disturb my hubby who was napping - I assumed lo's monitor lost his heartbeat again and a nurse would be in soon to fix it. But that didn't happen.. it started to really bother me, so I started looking all over the room and realized the beeping.. was coming from the epidural machine behind me.. 

I went into full blown panic mode. I had no idea how much time I had left. I screamed my DH's name. He shot up off the couch and all I could get out was "EPIDURALS OUT! GET HELP!"

He RAN out of the room, and a few moments later a nurse came RUNNING in (looking just as panic'd as I) with a fresh bag. Never in the 10 years I've been with my husband have I seen him move that fast. LOL


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## Batman909

After having my first I had a 2nd degree tear mmy epidural was still working so the doctor had me in stirrups sewing me up. And I just couldn't stop FARTING! I had no control whatsoever I couldn't even feel them coming on. So she's down there doing the stitching and I'm literally farting in her face every few minutes loudly to. So embarrassing. I keep apologising everyone just laughed.


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## Mom2Hope

I have been reading on this thread for days...I think they should totally make a book out of some of these stories...thank you for sharing...not long before I will have LO here and be able to share my own story...hopefully funny and not embarrassing lol :)


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## Leliana

It's been 9 months since I had my baby but here are some amusing/embarrassing things I remember saying and doing:

*I was so pleased to be on the Gas and Air at first that I sent my Mum a text message whilst she was at work to say 'I love gas and air, I am drunkity drunk'.

*When they put the hospital wrist band on me - I told DH that they do this so that 'if I die, they can identify the body!'

*The midwife told me to only use the gas and air when I was having a contraction so I responded by throwing the whole unit on the bed and crying like a child. She then looked really awkward and asked me if I was tired!!

*After having a morphine injection I remember watching the ticker on the gas and air canister go down and having a vivid daydream that I was in a science fiction film and my oxygen was running out!

*My midwife thought my waters had broken. They hadn't - I had just pissed all over the bed after pushing too hard. I mentioned this in a not-so-subtle way to my hubby.

*I also screamed 'I need to do a POO, I'm so SORRY' during the pushing stage!

*The absolute best thing that happened was when the midwife leaned over me whilst I was moaning about the pain and whispered, in a really posh accent, 'Oh it's like s**tting a football isn't it!' I laughed so hard at that, it totally helped!!!


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## MoldyVoldy

apparently i kept asking "is the baby ok?" literally every 5 minutes lol poor nurse how repetitive and annoying of me.

pushing stage - very first push the nurse was down there watching and i FARTED in her face! omg. i apologized but she just laughed. lmao.

when the epi doctor came in i kept saying "where WERE you?! you took FOREVER!" followed by "omg thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you..." wow i am an annoying woman...and apparently very repetitive.

i think i said many, many curse words very VERY loudly. 

OH man, once i was given a bit of pain relief through my IV, i HATED IT. i felt drunk and even more out of it than before...and worst of all i still felt all the pain :/ so i kept saying "i fucking hate this i feel drunk. omg i HATE THIS! why the fuck did you give me this?!" etc. 

hmmmm that's all i can think of off the top of my head this early in the morning!


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## despttc

Enjoying this thread! Keep them coming, ladies :)


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## Emma&Freya

I went into hospital when I was nearly 6cm dilated. I walked in and begged for some drugs. when she was checking me she gave me gas and air as I was so scared to be examined. As I was high I told my OH to get the fuck out the room cos me and the mideife were having an affair and I was going to give her a good seeing too :haha:

When she was out the room, I asked Sean for a quickie and was gropping him :haha:

I rang my Mum and told her I was 6cm, then asked to speak to my Dad who I then told that 'the lady stuck fingers up my fanny and I enjoyed it'

When I was going into delivery room I told the midwife noone was listening to me and noone did cos out popped my baby :haha: 16 minutes OH YES


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## MoldyVoldy

^^ I am ROLLING!!!!! So funny!


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## kbwebb

hahaahaha! ^^^
thats cheered me up so much its made me have a right laugh to myself!:haha:
and i thought the midwife coming on to my OH was funny!


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## Natsku

Emma&Freya said:


> I went into hospital when I was nearly 6cm dilated. I walked in and begged for some drugs. when she was checking me she gave me gas and air as I was so scared to be examined. As I was high I told my OH to get the fuck out the room cos me and the mideife were having an affair and I was going to give her a good seeing too :haha:
> 
> When she was out the room, I asked Sean for a quickie and was gropping him :haha:
> 
> I rang my Mum and told her I was 6cm, then asked to speak to my Dad who I then told that 'the lady stuck fingers up my fanny and I enjoyed it'
> 
> When I was going into delivery room I told the midwife noone was listening to me and noone did cos out popped my baby :haha: 16 minutes OH YES

:rofl:


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## despttc

:rofl:


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## susied

Following!!! These are cracking me up


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## susied

tinkerbelle93 said:


> During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!'
> 
> Poor man! xx

:rofl: this is hilarious


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## susied

AJThomas said:


> tinkerbelle93 said:
> 
> 
> During a quite painful contraction at home I grabbed hold of my OH's balls painfully and yelled 'Feel the pain!'
> 
> Poor man! xx
> 
> I just about died reading this!! I showed it to my DH and he said "I'll be wearing super tight undies when you go in labour."Click to expand...

Showed that post to my hubs and he said, "I'm going to wear a cup!!":haha:


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## Amy89

I started reading this thread when I just found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks....now I'm in the third tri, and the prospect of labour is becoming all too real! Thanks for the funny stories, gives me hope that labour isn't the horror show its made out to be!


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## rosepetals36

These stories are great!!!

So with my first i was off my head on gas and air, time to be checked by mw, so she is doing an internal, my head wobblin all over place "its true what me mam said, you wouldn't care if brad pitt walked in!" got a confused look from her lol, she told me i was 6cm, i started cryin "im gonna be here all night" (id only laboured for 3 hours so i was making good progress) literally 2 mins layer the pains came quick and fast, told fob i was going to kill him in the morning lol, baby started getting distressed as in a matter of 5 mind i went from 6 to fully dialated with the urge to push....mw was runnin to get a doc and i shouted "no i need to push" and i thought i cant be im only 6cm, so then i thought i needed a poop, trying to jump off bed with mw pinning me down i was shoutin "u font understand its goin to cone out on the bed!!" mw replied "yes that's where its supposed to dear!" FOB had gone out room to update family on progress so i was screamin "im not doin it without that ba***rd here!!" student mw had to run and get him. When the head came out the student midwife took my hand and told me to feel my babies head. To which i snatched my arm back, and cried in a very high pitched voice "no!!! Just get the fu***r out!! Lol 

Second labour was quite calm and pains were like amazing period pains, the only thing i did do was when i was 8 cms which i def wasn't expectin (i had worked out i would only be 5 at most) i told midwife to stop fu***n jokin lol xx


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## Feff

When I was pushing Elodie turned back to back so I had to go to theatre for an epidural and forceps. On the way there the drip in my hand caught on something and ripped out, it was like a horror show with the blood squirting everywhere! :dohh: then when they were trying to put a new one in I told them to stop because I had a contraction (and needed to push so soaked the theatre floor :haha: ), when it passed I looked up and the doctor said 'um, could I have my finger back please?' I was squeezing the hell into his finger and didn't even notice! :rofl: bless him.


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## WhitheartsQ

Talked to my dad the other day and got a few stories from him to share about my moms labors.

With me (their 1st) the water broke early Saturday morning. My mom told my dad, but he insisted it was too early (37 weeks) and that it was nothing to worry about. He then spent the day out and about playing racquetball and such. Finally, the next morning my mom convinced my dad it was the real thing and they needed to go to the hospital. I came out with a cone head from sitting in the canal for so long. During the labor my mom made my dad empty all of the bed pans so the nurses wouldn't see her poop.

With number 5 my mom spent the day in the tub. That night my dad went in to see how she was doing. She suggested they time some contractions. They were coming in steadily at 2 minutes. My dad freaked and said it was time to go to the hospital. My mom said she didn't feel like she needed to yet. When they finally made it to the hospital my mom was in major pain, but is an awfully polite person, so she was trying to hide it. She told the nurse she was in labor. The nurse said she doubted it, but would get someone to check on her when they got the chance. She then asked if she had had any babies before. My mom informed her this was her 5th, then the nurse kicked it into gear and got the dr there within minutes.

With the last (number 6) they got lost on the way to the hospital and ended up going the wrong way on the free way. They made it safely though.


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## Claire300

Ok so I had a water birth with my first. Having said the entire pregnancy that I wanted to give birth with something on ie not naked, given the opportunity of a water birth I dived in butt naked. The midwife asked if I was sure to which I replied "I don't want to get my bra wet". Like it mattered!

Now girls, for those that don't know, occasionally when pushing a bit of poo may pop out. In water, it floats. Yes, floats. My midwife said "it's ok, we have a sieve. Oh, hang on, (shouts) oi Sheila, where's the sieve?". Don't know how much time actually passed but 3 contractions later they managed to fish it out. During this time I'm screaming at my husband "DON'T YOU DARE LOOK". Good times ha ha!!!


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## Amy89

Claire300 said:


> Ok so I had a water birth with my first. Having said the entire pregnancy that I wanted to give birth with something on ie not naked, given the opportunity of a water birth I dived in butt naked. The midwife asked if I was sure to which I replied "I don't want to get my bra wet". Like it mattered!
> 
> Now girls, for those that don't know, occasionally when pushing a bit of poo may pop out. In water, it floats. Yes, floats. My midwife said "it's ok, we have a sieve. Oh, hang on, (shouts) oi Sheila, where's the sieve?". Don't know how much time actually passed but 3 contractions later they managed to fish it out. During this time I'm screaming at my husband "DON'T YOU DARE LOOK". Good times ha ha!!!

I was just saying to my mum that I'll happily go in the pool to labour, but not to give birth purely for this reason!! My biggest fear of labour is pooing!


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## violet_joy

i was 9cm and completely gone with the gas and air... i was screaming for an epi (even tho i didnt really want one) anyway the anesthitist came in and started to prep me for an epi after he had sed u do kno ul deliver b4 i get this in to which i responded maybe i will if u spend any more time chatting about it..to which he responded im going to hav to go thru this lovely tattoo on ur back tho is tht ok to which i sed 'listen son, u can go thru the back of my head i dont give a shit' at which point his bleeper went an he ran out to an emerg! 

i was also telling the midwife i thot i knew her brother called ronnie as she was the spit of him...shes sayin she doesnt hav a brother an to this day i have no clue who ronnie even is! lol xx


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## despttc

Haha. These stories sure are funny 

I'll add in my contribution in 2months time


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## PaiytonsMummy

When i had DD i had a bad tear so when the doctor came in to tell me had to go to theatre, i vomited all over her, then fell asleep while she was telling me about complications that could happen lol.

With DS i was much more vocal, really bad labour. I was on the monitors and DH could see the measure of the contractions and was keeping track of how strong they were. Mid way through a pretty intense contraction DH decides to tell me that the contraction wasn't as strong as the others.
Glaring at him with devil eyes i said '' how the f*ck would you know, you're not feeling them'' while sucking hard on g+a.
Midwife told him to keep quiet after that.

I also asked if son was ginger when he was crowning. My midwife who was a full blown red head declared that he was and he was still beautiful. When he was passed to me i took one look at him and shouted ''Omg he looks like Max Branning'' (from EastEnders, English soap.) Lmao


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## Kate7590

Iv loved reading all of these stories!
Im not due til february, but these stories have made me a bit calmer about labour, so thanks :D


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## geordie_gal

These stories are great. 
I havent given birth yet - but I'm dreading it and here's why - 
I say really inappopriate things when Im in uncomforatble situations, I've had to have 2 internals so far

The first one was a trainee doctor (he must have been still in uni) and when he put his fingers up me I said "Christ normally I atleast get a drink out of this" - I have NO idea why I said that but my OH looked horrified :haha:

The 2nd was an internal ultrasound and when the sonographer said its just a condom and some lube I said "I havent had this much fun since I was 16" - Again - NO idea why I said it. 

My OH is cringing at what I'll be like already haha x


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## J04NN4

geordie_gal said:


> These stories are great.
> I havent given birth yet - but I'm dreading it and here's why -
> I say really inappopriate things when Im in uncomforatble situations, I've had to have 2 internals so far
> 
> The first one was a trainee doctor (he must have been still in uni) and when he put his fingers up me I said "Christ normally I atleast get a drink out of this" - I have NO idea why I said that but my OH looked horrified :haha:
> 
> The 2nd was an internal ultrasound and when the sonographer said its just a condom and some lube I said "I havent had this much fun since I was 16" - Again - NO idea why I said it.
> 
> My OH is cringing at what I'll be like already haha x

That is HILARIOUS :haha:


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## Mrs W 11

Ha ha Geordie, can't wait wait for your labour stories :rofl:


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## Jonesy25

I had a back to back labour and my baby got stuck so prepared to go to theatre for forceps...They brought the anethatist (sp?) in to give me an epidural and no word of a lie i couldnt understand her!! I was out of it on g&a and pethadine and began shouting 'No f***ing way' 'Get away from me'!! The idea
of a epi and forceps had scared me and the woman couldnt explain to me what they were going to do! I did apologise after!!


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## Jonesy25

Also...I got pregnant pretty quickly after meeting my partner and moved to a new area...Near my new area there is a place called 'The forrest of Dean' Which i had NEVER heard of...During labour i was out of it like a drunk and the midwife asked if i was from 'The forrest'!! 
In my state i actually thought she thought i was like a tree person who lived in a forrest!!! I said 'What the f**k are you on about mate'!!


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## sheldonsmommy

Oh I forgot about this thread and must have unsubscribed! I will be sure to add any good stories in a couple weeks (or less as i'm already 2 days overdue!)


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## CloverMouse

I was one they didn't know was in labor. I was in complete denial and thought my contractions would stop. Finally went to the hospital where I sat quietly and filled out the paperwork. I wouldn't let them get a wheelchair for me. They run my blood pressure and it was so high the nurse asked how I was standing there talking to her so they got me an epidural immediately. 
While we waited I told all the nurses who checked on me I was good, and asked about their days. 
I was very calm about the whole business until the dr said episiotomy...
At that point I held my breath and grpped the bed and sobbed. She looked at dh and asked what I was doing "she thinks it's going to hurt"
They all laughed and I of course didn't feel a thing.


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## Girly922

I was fairly quiet and focused during labour. To the point I was completely oblivious to everything going on around me. When I was being stitched, however, that was a different matter. Although the MW used a local anaesthetic, I had gas&air during as the local didn't numb everything. High as a kite through a lot of that! I can't remember a huge amount, I'm sure OH will remind me at some point. The bit I do remember though was when FIL phoned OH. I turned to OH, asked who it was and then proceeded to wave and say 'hi' at the phone. The MW just looked up from her needlework and said, oh you are high aren't you?! Lol. 

I kept apologising the whole way through too. She probably wanted to smack me and tell me to shut up by the end of it! Lol.


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## despttc

:rofl:


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## Ivory Doll

Where do I begin?! :blush:

I was convinced I sounded like Barry White after sucking on gas and air so decided to continuously sing Just The Way You Are.

I told the doctor who gave me an epidural I loved him and he only looked 21 (he was at least 45 thinking back!) didn't even bloody work after!! 

When it was time to push the midwives tried to take the gas and air from my mouth and I bit down and it and started to half cry half growl at her :blush:

Apparently there was a woman giving birth next to me and I was screaming at her to shut up as she was making too much noise!

That's all for now I think!!


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## ttc126

I was induced for severe pre-eclampsia and was soooo sick and out of it! All I remember talking about was whether someone could call down to the emergency room and get the green m&ms. What????

Then when I was pushing I just wanted to be done. I pushed super hard and the dr said "ok take a break now!" And I screamed "NOOOO!" and pushed him out! Lol :)

My husband was saying "good job babe! You're doing great!" while I pushed. I screamed for him to "shut the hell up!" 

I was a gem in labor :)


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## Ashla

While pregnant with my first baby I worked in marketing/branding for Coca-Cola. When it was time to go to the hospital for labour (I was having bad contractions by the time we left and my water had already broken, so I really needed to hurry to the hospital), DH, my mum and I all piled into the car and reversed out the driveway.
I yelled 'stop, I've forgotten something!' And made DH pull back into the driveway. 

I ran inside and came back out carrying 4 bottles of Mount Franklin water. 

I'd remembered that the hospital we were going to stocked a competitor brand of water and soft drinks (soda/pop) and I didn't want to get caught drinking competitor water, so I'd brought my own! Not sure who exactly from work I thought I'd be bumping into while giving birth...

Luckily, I got my priorities straight while in labour :doh:


----------



## Girly922

Talking of priorities, OH still makes fun of me. While I was in the pool pushing, about 20 minutes before DD was born, between contractions I was telling OH he needed to call the community midwife to cancel our appt. We were due to see her that morning to book induction and have my first sweep. At my appt the week before my MW had said about maybe not seeing me for my next appt. I promised her we'd call and cancel. Her reply - but you might be having a baby. DD was born exactly and hour before I was due to go to that appt. 

I kept going on and on about calling to let her know we wouldn't be there. OH and the MW in the room just kept telling me not to worry. It seemed really important at the time!! :haha:


----------



## ProudMomma2Be

darkstar said:


> I had a really horrible OBGYN when I lived in Australia, I hated him.
> 
> Anyway I'd been induced and he examined me and I was only a couple of centimetres dilated at about 8am in the morning. The doc said he was going to his practise over the other side of Sydney and would be back about 6 or 7pm to check on me as the baby would probably come late evening. I said no way this baby will be here sooner than that, I bet he's here by lunchtime. He said to me rudely that he had been delivering babies for years and there was no way it would go that quickly.
> 
> Anyway he left me and my ex husband went off to have breakfast. I started crying because I just knew the baby would come and I'm sitting there upset (I realised after I was probably in transition) and I'm on my own and I suddenly realise I needed to push. I'm hitting the buzzer and a midwife comes in and I told her I needed to push and she laughed and told me my doc had just examined me. I looked at her and screamed "the baby is coming now you better take a look I'm not joking!" she still didn't believe me and sent a student in to examine me. She was supervising and the student is saying "um I thnk she's fully dilated". The midwife examined and said holy shit call her doctor. They called the doctor and he wouldn't believe me, he had only just got out of his car and turned around and drove back after swearing at the midwives on the phone saying there is no way she's having that baby yet. My epidural had been cranked up real high so I wouldn't keep pushing because i had to wait for my doctor and I had been yelling "i need to push!" and they were telling me I wasn't allowed because my doctor wasn't here. I was saying well you better crank that epi higher or you'll be in trouble!!!!!! So they cranked it up higher so I could ignore the push urges and the doctor eventually turned up half an hour later. I said to him as soon as he walked in "I TOLD YOU THIS BABY WOULD COME SOONER!" he was furious my epi was up too high and while I was pushing I still couldn't feel much and he's checking his watch and telling me he has other patients to see and I need to push harder. I was furious and told him I'd kick him lol.
> Anyway my baby was born by lunchtime and that was after waiting for the doctor had delayed things by at least half an hour. It's why this time I will be listening to my instincts and not to the staff. Something inside me just knew that my baby wasn't going to wait.


Something similar happened to me :haha:
It's not funny but I thought I would share :thumbup:
I was having my first baby . Had to induced and started without being dilated at all . I was checked around lunch time and was 3-4 cm . The doctor told me because it's my forts I am probably going to have the baby the next day . Around 2 pm I started to have strong contractions . Had epidural in at 4 pm and being told. It's gonna be at least another 12 hours . Like 2 minutes after epidural my water broke and I started to feel strong pain ( epidural didn't work ) and need to push . I called my nurse and some other nurse picked up and told me my nurse is busy as everybody else . I was all alone at the room ( OH at work since he has been told he has another 12 hours ) and I was pushing back the urge to push the baby out . I kept calling my nurse and was being told the same - everybody is busy . I kept calling and finally some nurse just opened the door ( didn't even come in ) and ask me why I keep calling and I said I am in pain and I have very strong need to push and she replied that's normal and left .:shrug:
I decided to call OH and told him I think I am in labor and to come over . He didn't believe me since it was my fist delivery but I convicted him to come . When he arrived I kept telling him to look for someone as I think I am in labor and I think the head is right between my legs and he told me to relax . But I kept going on so he opened the door and told me there is no one there . 
I hot really pissed and wanted to ,,see,, for myself so I touched between my legs and the head was right there on the edge coming out . And finally my nurse got in and asked me how am I doing . I told her I think I am in labor and she just smile at me with the ,, oh first time moms think they know better than doctor ,, smile but she checked me . She only pulled the blanket and immidiately said ... I can see the head 
Me : now way , really ... DUH !!! 
So the doctor hit in right away and after 3 pusher my baby boy was born at 6:33 pm :happydance:
I think it would be less painful and sooner if I would just yell at someone instead of being so calm :haha:


----------



## Paperhearts

This thread is great! So I've delivered all of my kids naturally but baby #5 was an emergency c-section. I started labor and was 10cm by the time I got to the hospital. Only he was a footling breech and had cord prolapse so we had no choice.

Anyway, I'm lying there on the table and my wonderful OB wanted to make sure I was fully numb before she began. She pinched my belly and asked if I felt it. I did. So we waited a few minutes. She did it again and I said I still felt it. She said "Are you sure??" and I said I thought so. So again we waited. A few minutes later she asked, "Do you feel this?" Assuming she was doing the pinch test (and SWEARING I felt it) I said "Yes, I still feel it I think". She laughed and said, "Okay well we've just opened the uterus so I think you're alright" 

Um....oh. Whoops! :blush: Hahahaha!


----------



## mara16jade

^^ LOL omg. I probably would have been a little freaked out and laughing at the same time. Wow!


----------



## despttc

:rofl:


----------



## Paperhearts

mara16jade said:


> ^^ LOL omg. I probably would have been a little freaked out and laughing at the same time. Wow!

I was so embarrassed! Haha. I felt like I was being a big old drama queen or something. LOL


----------



## Attalu

These stories are the best, I'm trying so hard not to laugh because my ds is sleeping next to me :haha:
I was far too delirious on gas & air to remember most of the idiotic things I said. One thing I remember is that every time my mw walked in the room I'd have trouble remembering who she was, any time she came back to me I'd demand she introduce herself and then make her listen to me apologise for forgetting her and then I'd ramble on about how much I loved her. :dohh:

The one other thing that happened was during the pushing stage. Baby's head was crowning, it was so painful I thought his entire head was out, so I asked 'is his head out?' I was told 'no' by my mw to which I responded 'just push him back in, I'll stay pregnant forever!' Mw said something like 'it doesn't work like that' so I yelled at her to 'make it work like that!'


----------



## Ivory Doll

I remembered last night that I was very angry at my midwife because she turned off the tv when Jeremy Kyle was on and I didn't get to find out whether the guy was the father or not!! At about 6cm dilated I'm not sure why I cared!! :dohh:


----------



## Mahas

I had been telling dh to accompanyme in the labor room if it was a normal delivery but he blankly refused, every time I uttered the word... Due to low liquor and breech presentation I had to have an emergency c-sec with my daughter... Once at the hospital, my dh went bonkers and insisted that he be there in the op theatre with me... It took us around 15 mins to forcefully hold him back and also threaten him with immediate discharge of the patient (poor ol' me) to agree that he would stay right outside the theatre during the operation!!! 

I was very stressed but my dr and the ops theatre staff had a good laugh about it and one of them even said that I was really lucky to have such a caring husband


----------



## new_to_ttc

:rofl: ladies!!

With my first I had a retained placenta, so labored naturally with G&A and pethidine, but was then given a spinal block and taken to surgery to have the placenta removed! And when I came too (was out of it on the pethidine lol) I had 2 male surgeons standing either side of me one rubbing my belly, the other with his hand in places I don't want to think about sorting the placenta - and they were chatting away about their golfing weekend!!! In my dilarious state I asked them if I would have to go golfing with them or if they would finish me off first! the room erupted with laughter, and as I thought it was a serious question I just couldn't work out the joke :blush: lol

With my 2nd I was adamant I was not getting on the bed. I was 14days over due and on my 3rd induction attempt and contractions had been consistant for a few hours by now. I had G&A but no way would I get on the bed and I was leaning on the bed table each contractions, but I had no idea it was facing the wrong way and as it was on wheels I was actually moving further and further down the corridor just pushing this table lol.. eventually the MW convinced me to sit down while she turned the table round and putting it against the bed so the wheels couldn't roll lol..... soon after I I didn't know I had legs and they made me get on the bed but they did giggle at me lol


----------



## want2bemommy

Omg I just read through all 65 pages in one sitting- laughing so hard I'm getting cramps...


----------



## rollachick

Its taken me over a week but ive finally read all the pages, and what a laugh they were. Got 5months till we see if i have anything to add :) now to get back to reading the rest of the topics ive missed out on :p


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## despttc

Just a month more for me! Lets see if I'll have anything to add to this thread :)


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## Perplexed

I don't think mine are as funny as the ones I've read on here but here we go:

- When I got gas and air, suddenly the labor room felt really wide and spacious, and sunny! And the view was really amazing. I made sure DH knew that I thought the view was amazing. 
- I suddenly started yelling "our poor moms went through this!" and I still remember DH's expression when I said that... it was half shock half "she's high isn't she"
- DH wanted a huff from my gas and air because he wanted to know why I was so into it, I gave it to him between contractions then quickly yanked it away from him because "I NEED IT"
- DH was annoyed with the night midwife bc she was making fun of him all the time, the one who came in the morning was nice, cheerful and energetic. He appreciated her attitude and said something about how energetic she is, and in between breathing in the gas and air I told her that I, too, enjoyed her energy and that it was helping me through everything. I'm pretty sure she didn't think I was serious but I actually was :haha: but I don't actually remember her response. 
- At some point mom and DH were discussing the contraction "strength" on the monitor in between them, and I just told them to stop because I didn't want to know. As if not knowing the "number" would make it hurt any less!
- After pethidine I would sleep and wake up to someone else holding my GA (either DH or mom). Mom was saying, "are you sure it's okay to keep using it in between contractions?" to which I immediately said, "yes of course it is!" (and at that exact moment, of course it would be LOL)
- For some reason, the cafeteria lady has to come and get my meal order. DH had just had his breakfast delivered and she came to me to take my order for the day. I was already in active labor at this point with gas and air. I just remember saying "I don't want anything," (funny is that later in the day I asked the midwife if there were any juices available LOL but it was because I felt really hot at some point). I was worried that I was mean to the cafeteria lady because I remember thinking, "what...she's been here for a few minutes already, SURELY she's heard me screaming in pain and could assume I probably wasn't in any condition to eat or pick out food for lunch and dinner". But my mom assured me that I was still nice to everyone. 

I loved being in labor :haha: :haha: :haha: I want more babies. :blush: This is probably the gas and air talking, though.


----------



## iBeach

Soooooooooo funny!

I had such a great laugh over your stories....!!!

Love them all.


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## proudparent88

So for my first labor I went in the hospital at 6 am I wasn't supposed to have the baby for two more days as the doctor was going to induce me. But the night of the 11th I lost my mucus plug and was having contractions all night long. When I got there they did the normal weighing me and things and the one nurse said to me "You don't look like you are in that much pain." I yelled at her telling her to go get knocked up and go through this and to find me and I would tell her that! :blush: just a few min later she told me my contractions were three min apart which I already knew because I had been timing them all nigh. Later my dr was in surgery of another woman and the baby was crowning the nurse says "Don't push" "What the hell do you want me to do suck him back up there?!" :blush: was my reply just as he started to come out dr runs in as he is getting the weird gown on first just in time to catch baby!


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## proudparent88

Bocket said:


> I was quite pleased that despite a few random noises through labour I kept quite calm..........It was when they started to stitch me up that I lost the plot.....
> 
> I think I went to town on the old gas & air (my bestest friend!) I came out with such phrases as...
> <looking straight at the midwife with my most serious face> "Y'know, in the weirdest way possible; this is just like being at the dentist" She just nodded and smiled politely
> "Are you using knitting wool to do these stitches?"
> When she told me to be still so she could check the stitches I went "Like when the hairdresser checks the sides are even?" She just responded with "This is one haircut you wouldn't want to be lop-sided so stay still"
> And finally she announced that the last thing she had to do was check none of the stitches had gone too deep by putting her finger up my bum (TMI- Sorry!) anyway she did it as she did I pointed and shouted at my OH "And don't you dare get any ideas" and laughed very loud, then rememberred my mum was sat next to me.....I also kept telling them that was the worst bit of giving birth and that I felt violated....whilst laughing away to myself............yea I love gas and air!!!!!

When I had my first I got a lot of stiches the guy I was dating at the time was watching the dr stitch me up and loudly yelled "He is using a fishing hook!" I was mortified. :blush: My mom was there and the nurses and doctor just kind of looked at me I couldn't do anything but cover my face with my hands!


----------



## proudparent88

cassarita said:


> Betheney said:
> 
> 
> you ladies know that first moment you hold your baby, the first thought you ever had when the baby is there on your chest.
> 
> Mine went.
> "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh thank god she has 10 fingers"
> 
> i never once thought during my pregnancy anything to do with fingers or toes, its never crossed my mind, nor did it cross my mind during labour. But i'll never forget it was the first thing i did, before looking at her face or anything. Once i did it i thought to myself "well that was a weird thing to think of the moment you first saw your baby"
> 
> I've never admitted this to anyone, no magical rush of love just a need to count her digits.
> 
> Labour made me so delirious.
> 
> 
> Haha that was the first thing I asked. I had a c-section so they showed him over top of the curtain and took him away. I said "does he have all his fingers and toes"
> 
> Haha looking back on it now it's pretty silly.Click to expand...


With my first as he was coming out the first words out of my mouth were "Does he have hair" my mom and everyone else thought it was just completely hilarious. 

My second I felt really guilty after thinking what I did the first time I saw him. In a way I think I was still angry over him causing me so much fear throughout my pregnancy and I thought to myself "he isn't very cute...." I totally hate myself for that now cause he was a beautiful baby and is still a beautiful little boy... Sounds horrible for a mom to say about her own child I know that makes me a horrible person....:growlmad:


----------



## Kanichen34

So my little girl was born 5 days overdue in an unplanned home birth.

It started the night before when I told hubby I was getting cramps - he timed them and worked out they were contractions - to which my comment was 'if these are contractions I'm not sure what all the fuss is about'. Hubby's response was 'yeah well you have such a high pain threshold you'll probably not realise you're in labour and have this baby on the bathroom floor!' So he totally jinxed it!!

We went to bed, 8am we went to hospital and was sent home as I was only 2cm. Spent the day napping, bouncing on my ball, going for a walk etc.

Gets to 730pm and contractions are a bit more painful so on goes the tens machine. Hubby had to pop over his parents to check their car battery (they didn't know I was in labour). As I hear him drive away my waters break on the loo and I threw up everywhere.

He gets home 45 min later and I am on the bathroom floor on all 4s in just my bra shouting at him that I'm sorry about the mess. He hates sick and was stood there going oh god how am I going to clear this up? So mid contraction I'm giving the man cleaning instructions!!

Phoned L&D who said to call an ambulance. Once the paramedics arrived they asked us to call a midwife (you really would have thought L&D would have done that automatically!)

Midwife arrives and as she's walking up the stairs goes 'oh now there's a sight!' As all she can see is my rear up in the air. Male paramedic then informs her there has been some 'rectal winking' - que hole in the ground please! She checks, discovers I am 10cm and announces she wants me off the floor and on my bed. Paramedic says oh no you'll drop blood on the carpet - which I told her was the least of my worries!!!

Male paramedic lifts me to the bed. DD is born after 25 mins of pushing. We're all cooing over her, paramedics saying its made their night, placenta is delivered etc and midwife suddenly goes 'did anyone notice what time she was born?!' Can't believe out of 6 adults (3 paramedics, 1 mw and me and hubby) not one looked at the time! So her time of birth is an estimate! Second midwife arrives, to which I greet her with 'well you've missed the party!'

Next humorous bit is stitching me up - midwife #1 has to strap on a head torch and crouch between my legs (that's a sight that will stay with me forever!) and then calls mw #2 over and is asking 'can you look at this, I think this bit goes to there....' So not what you need to hear!! Note that the paramedics have gone by this point and taken the g&a with them!! So all I had was a local and it didn't provide full coverage!

At this point hubby walks in rubbing his shoulder. So I'm there, legs a kimbo having my second degree tear stitched and he asks if we have any painkillers as he was leant awkwardly on the bed with me during delivery. I believe my words were a very sarcastic 'oh poor baby' while the midwife is wetting herself at the end of the bed!

Then of course hubby starts ringing round. Now bear in mind he'd left their house 90 mins earlier with no mention of me being in labour MIL and FIL were a bit shocked to hear their granddaughter had arrived!! Lol.

Our guests the next day were asked to bring fresh sheets for our bed and were sent home with bags of towels to wash for us! Lol.


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## proudparent88

Oh wow I can't imagine having that happen! I think I would totally panic loved your reaction to your OH though about pain medicine! That is priceless! :rofl: Congrats on your little one!


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## Misscalais

geordie_gal said:


> These stories are great.
> I havent given birth yet - but I'm dreading it and here's why -
> I say really inappopriate things when Im in uncomforatble situations, I've had to have 2 internals so far
> 
> The first one was a trainee doctor (he must have been still in uni) and when he put his fingers up me I said "Christ normally I atleast get a drink out of this" - I have NO idea why I said that but my OH looked horrified :haha:
> 
> The 2nd was an internal ultrasound and when the sonographer said its just a condom and some lube I said "I havent had this much fun since I was 16" - Again - NO idea why I said it.
> 
> My OH is cringing at what I'll be like already haha x

Bahahahahahaha!!!! Soo funny!!!


----------



## mara16jade

Lmao!!!


----------



## despttc

I was on gas and air. While pushing I got tired and said "It would be nice if I could continue the rest tomorrow"


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## hayz_baby

Haha.. When I was getting stitched up I had a nurse hoverin over the doctor going "mm wow.. Excellent.. Very good" complimenting his bloody stitch work.. I was a bit like I know what F off!! 
By that point I had royally had enough of being manhandled and I REALLY did not like that doctor.. Only because his hands were HUGE!! My step mum still makes a joke about it to this day!


----------



## AC1987

Just roughly 2 months before I can be adding more to this thread :haha:


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## NurseSooz

I'm a nurse myself and I've seen some awful stitching jobs when doing cervical smears. When the doc was stitching up my episiotomy I said (still woozy from gas & air) "please don't make it look like a car accident or a wizard's sleeve, I've seen some terrible vaginas!"


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## proudparent88

I can't wait to be able to hopefully add to this thread once more after Zachary arrives!


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## SwissMiss

:rofl: I wonder if I'll have anything to add to this soon! :rofl: 

I only have one tiny one from Kilian's birth. His umbilical cord was 'too'/really short and during pushing kept literally yanking him back up. I was pushing for the better part of 2 hours before they put me on the drip to strengthen my contractions before a section would have been ordered. I was EXHAUSTED and had had enough. After one MAJOR push and he still wasn't out I said to DH "That's it! I'm going HOME! This kid IS NOT COMING OUT!" and he looked at me with this horrified face and said "PUSH! One more time! His head is hanging out!"
Apparently Kilian's head was already out and poor baby was staring about the delivery room while we waited for the next (and last! phew!) contraction to get his body out... :rofl: I will NEVER forget that look on DH's face! :rofl: 

xxx


----------



## proudparent88

SwissMiss said:


> :rofl: I wonder if I'll have anything to add to this soon! :rofl:
> 
> I only have one tiny one from Kilian's birth. His umbilical cord was 'too'/really short and during pushing kept literally yanking him back up. I was pushing for the better part of 2 hours before they put me on the drip to strengthen my contractions before a section would have been ordered. I was EXHAUSTED and had had enough. After one MAJOR push and he still wasn't out I said to DH "That's it! I'm going HOME! This kid IS NOT COMING OUT!" and he looked at me with this horrified face and said "PUSH! One more time! His head is hanging out!"
> Apparently Kilian's head was already out and poor baby was staring about the delivery room while we waited for the next (and last! phew!) contraction to get his body out... :rofl: I will NEVER forget that look on DH's face! :rofl:
> 
> xxx

Omg that is just too funny! Love it!


----------



## KelWin

Read through these last night and this morning for the third of forth time, _still_ gave me a good giggle. Hopefully I'll have some good ones for you all next year, as I've finally found a donor, and I will be TTC this September. 

:dance: :wohoo: :yipee:


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## hayz_baby

2 things.. Asking why they can't just pull him out? The other one was the contractions were stronger then I remember when I passed my placenta and I said there better not be another one in there!!!


----------



## capegirl7

I just had dd 5 days ago and it was a vbac delivery . I was so excited I used a mirror to watch when pushing . Well I have never seen a birth and thought you could see the baby coming down and the vagina was open. Well when the doctor was getting ready and said you are going to have this baby on the next few pushes I looked and said " I must have the worlds smallest vagina, how is a baby coming out of there" well obviously it opens when the head comes out. I only had one minor tear but they all laughed with my comment.


----------



## hshucksmith

I gave birth to my DS1 on Christmas Eve 2013 and had a very quick labour.

I'd never had gas and air before and it was the only pain relief I had as by the time we arrived at the hospital half an hour after labour started I was 9.5cm dilated. 

I keep having flashbacks of things I said / did during labour! 

When I got to the hospital I called the midwife a "shitbag" when she refused to examine me because I kept saying I needed to push (I really did need to push, his head was nearly there!). She was obviously not very happy with me after that, and then I asked her if she was American because she had an accent... she was Canadian. Oops. 

When I got on the bed and was examined, the midwife said "oh you're right, you'll have to start pushing in a minute", I shouted at her "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID YOU IDIOT?!" and my husband told me off for being nasty!

Once I got started on the G&A another midwife came into the room and I said "you're not that Canadian midwife" and she said "no, I'm *insert name here - I forgot it!*". I replied with "good, because i fucking hated her!". Turns out aforementioned midwife was stood to the other side of the bed...!

Right until he was placed on my chest I kept asking "so I'm definitely in labour?" and they were saying "yes, your baby is about to be born, his head is right there." I was totally convinced I wasn't actually in labour after several false starts.

When I was pushing, the midwife shouted at me "ONE MORE PUSH AND HIS HEAD WILL BE OUT" and I shouted back "WELL I FUCKING KNOW THAT WOMAN!" and then said "oh my god I'm so sorry, I didn't meant to call you woman!" and then I started to cry. 

When his head came out the midwife said "his heads out!" and I looked at my husband and said "well I didn't feel it. I guess it's not much different to the size of your *man parts*"!!!!!.

I remember looking at the blood and saying "how much blood did I lose? It looks like a fucking holocaust bloodbath in here!". 

I swore a lot during labour...!


----------



## Amy89

proudparent88 said:


> cassarita said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Betheney said:
> 
> 
> you ladies know that first moment you hold your baby, the first thought you ever had when the baby is there on your chest.
> 
> Mine went.
> "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Oh thank god she has 10 fingers"
> 
> i never once thought during my pregnancy anything to do with fingers or toes, its never crossed my mind, nor did it cross my mind during labour. But i'll never forget it was the first thing i did, before looking at her face or anything. Once i did it i thought to myself "well that was a weird thing to think of the moment you first saw your baby"
> 
> I've never admitted this to anyone, no magical rush of love just a need to count her digits.
> 
> Labour made me so delirious.
> 
> 
> Haha that was the first thing I asked. I had a c-section so they showed him over top of the curtain and took him away. I said "does he have all his fingers and toes"
> 
> Haha looking back on it now it's pretty silly.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> With my first as he was coming out the first words out of my mouth were "Does he have hair" my mom and everyone else thought it was just completely hilarious.
> 
> My second I felt really guilty after thinking what I did the first time I saw him. In a way I think I was still angry over him causing me so much fear throughout my pregnancy and I thought to myself "he isn't very cute...." I totally hate myself for that now cause he was a beautiful baby and is still a beautiful little boy... Sounds horrible for a mom to say about her own child I know that makes me a horrible person....:growlmad:Click to expand...

That doesn't make you a horrible person! The first thing I thought was....He looks like a potato crossed with an old man. Lol x


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## BabyEagle

Hello. New to the site but not to the birthing experience. Here's just a little something from my first l&d experience.

I had a cesarean section but in the hours leading up to it I had been given pitocin on a steady drip and my contractions were barely leaving room to breathe. My DH was exhausted due to lack of sleep but managed to stay awke and close to my bed. Unfortunately for him, I would grab his hand at the contractions and nearly took his thumb off. I also left fingernail marks in his neck. When I finally caved and got the epidural I immediately felt better. 

As a matter of fact when I laid back on the bed I farted :blush:. I was apologizing like crazy but my DH, mother and sister were just laughing. I remember talking a lot but the exact words escape me:blush:.

The nurses would turn me and my DS's heartrate would drop. Literally every half hour immediately after being turned, the nurses would have to come back in and readjust the internal and external heart monitors. They eventually said
"When he's born you're going to have to have a little talk with him." 

Also I told them that I had to pee, after the epidural, and they managed to het a vatheter in me not a minute before I peed. I remember laughing a little and saying
"Close call :haha:!"

Altogether not too funny but they're the best I've got until August. Hope you all like them.


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## Gemmamuk

I gave birth for the second time on Tuesday.
I was induced at 1.30pm but about 1.30am felt weird down below and the mw was reluctant to check. Turns out the tampon thing had come down and was hanging out. When she said, I replied with a smirk and said 'I told you so!'. At that point she said I still hadn't started dilating.

At 3.15am contractions were ripping me apart and she wouldn't check me saying I couldn't possibly be in full labour as less than 2 hours ago I hadn't started at all, and have me 2 paracetamol.
She went on her break and another mw took pity on me and gave me pethadine and ran me a nice bath. 30 mins later I was lying in the bath and my waters broke and I was checked and 5cm so they rushed me to l&d. I said to the nice mw 'when that bitch gets back from her break make sure you tell her I told her so!!!'

While being rushed up, I was told my new mw would be a lady called Michelle. I noticed after a while her name badge said Emma, but she was really annoying me patronizing me and not being particularly nice or helpful so I have up trying to remember her name and just called her Michelle lol!!

I begged for an epidural and must have driven her nuts telling her to hurry and saying she was deliberately being slow to prolong my agony lol

While the anaestatist was there I got a bad case of verbal diarreah....I came out with all the cliches....
'I can see why women only do this once - it really fucking hurts!'
'I am NEVER having sex again!!'
'Screw that - he's having his balls chopped off instead!'
'What on earth was I thinking when I agreed to a second baby - KNOWING how much agony this is!!'
'This baby is trying to kill me. I'm going to die!'.

I am convinced I was pooing. I kept apologizing and she said 'no honestly your not!', and I said well if I'm not what on earth is coming out of my ass!!!!! 

I apologists afterwards for my colorful language and attitude lol!! 

Turns out I'd gone from nothing to 10cm and delivering in 4 hours, and the epidural never had chance to kick in and work before baby arrived 

I'm sure other things will come to me!


----------



## BigLegEmma

Well, it took me all day and part of last night, but I read the whole thread. Had some belly laughs. I can't believe I have to go through this! I imagine I'll swear like a trooper and we'll see if my plans for a drug-free birth actually come to fruition. :lol:


----------



## KelWin

BigLegEmma said:


> Well, it took me all day and part of last night, but I read the whole thread. Had some belly laughs. I can't believe I have to go through this! I imagine I'll swear like a trooper and we'll see if my plans for a drug-free birth actually come to fruition. :lol:

Haha, that's my plan too. We'll see


----------



## Emma&Freya

Oh I love this thread too much


----------



## staceyp

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:

haha love it! gave me a good laugh.


----------



## ksilme

Well I had my little girl on valentines day, and nothing really funny happened, other than being sent home from hospital 2cm dilated and being told to take paracetamol, my husband gave me some when we got home, but i have difficulty swallowing tablets and gagged on it, so he retreats back into the kitchen. a couple of minutes later he comes out saying 'what about this' whilst holding a lemsip!!!! in his defense it does clearly say 'contains paracetamol' and it is soluble so I could swallow it lol xx


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## tatsNflowers

sequeena said:


> I....
> 
> Called the midwives cnuts :blush: and then could not stop saying sorry :rofl:
> Made my OH take a photo of my son crowning - why?! :rofl:
> Spaced out way too much on gas and air and kept thinking I was someone else :wacko:

i made my oh take a pic too! i cherish it! lol it's so amazing.


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## tatsNflowers

i asked my husband to take a picture of my son crowning.

every time a contraction would come i would fart sooo bad! and every single time i would say "don't look at me! i can't help it!" to my husband. he wasn't saying anything about it or even looking at me. he was busy watching transformers. 

my biggest fear was pooping on the delivery bed. i felt myself poo twice. my husband and i were talking about it later and he said i was pooping the whole time and the whole room smelled like poop and blood. (my delivery room was also my hospital room that i stayed in.) so when my friends and family came in to see our son i know they smelled it too because none of them stayed long. that's kind of embarrassing! haha


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## palexbones

Finally, after reading off and on for a week, I have finished the thread! I definitely wish g&a was an option here at my hospital in the USA, but I'm sure I'll say something inappropriate and embarrassing. 
Almost 37 weeks pregnant and sitting at 2cm! So hopefully its sooner than later! Thank you ladies!


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## phoenix333

I spent 10 minutes in the loo trying to give a urine sample and despite feeling busting I couldn't go. I was told it was just the baby's head and not to worry. I got back on the bed and kept insisting I was going to wee myself and needed to go back to the loo. The midwives refused to let me go as they were adamant it was just my babies head.......until I created a nice little puddle in the middle of my bed..... Ewww!!


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## chezababy

Well I've gotten to the end of this thread. It's taken about a week and I have no idea what else is going on in b & b lol. I've loved reminiscing about my labour with dd which was nearly a year ago now. It was a pretty uneventful labour but I think the funniest bit was that my oh forgot I wad in labour lol. Let me have a go at telling my story for you. 

So it was about 10 am and I had been getting contractions since about 2 am (my waters had gone at 8 pm the evening before) and they were starting to get painful so I decided to go for a shower. I told oh and waddled off and he settled down to watch tv. About 2 hours later his programme finished and he starts to wonder where I am. Then he remembers I was having contractions and hadsgone for a shower. He notices the time and begins to panic as he can't remember me coming out the shower. He's shocked to find me on all fours in the bath having quite painful contractions. I tell him to load the car up as the contactions are strong but still irregular. About 5 minutes after he leaves I suddenly decide I really need to get to the hospital but there's no way I can get out of the bath so I have to wait about half an hour for him to come back (it felt like an eternity).

Then we get on our way to the hospital which is 40 minutes away and I'm starting to get pushing urges and lots of pressure so I'm holding on to the car door and my tens machine for dear life. Oh spends the whole journey telling me how much further we have to go despite the fact I know the journey like the back of my hand. We both spend the journey worrying I'll deliver at the side of the road. 

We got to the hospital and went to the ward where the mw asked if it was my first baby (it was) took my notes and told me to sit in the waiting room. I couldn't sit so she comes back to find me hanging off my oh and tuts before telling me they have a bed for me. She has to put me on the monitor but I can't keep still long enough for her to do it. She keeps telling me to be still and I tell her I can't, in the end I yelled at her 'I fucking can't' so she went to get me g and a. After hooking me up to the monitor she did an internal. All she said was 'I'll get them to get you a room on delivery' so I asked how many cm I was and she said 9. The look on her face was hilarious, I don't know why they never believe first time mums when they say they are close. 

We were rushed straight up to delivery and on the way I told the mw (a different one) that I wass stastarving and she told me 'its a bit late now'. 

In my room they had to hook me back up to the monitor and I had to ask the mw if I could start pushing. The mw was still trying to get my underwear off as I started pushing and a huge gush of waters came out and soaked them (I'd only been dribbling them until then). My dd was born after half hour of pushing.


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## alex_22

I still look back and cringe at my labour! 

I was lying on my side pushing when I wasn't ready so midwives just left me to get on with it, midwife come in to do my checks she was stood behind me and half way through pushing I farted right in her direction it wouldnt have been so bad but I then lay and sobbed for about 10 minutes continuously repeating 'but I've just farted on her' once I was ready to push I told the midwives hold on a minute I need to get naked and stripped off :S I then went on to cry every single time I pushed shouting 'ahhh I've poo'd haven't I, I just know I have I've poo'd' the midwife then told me I was crowning and I was asking what colour his eyes were apparently :S the drugs may make you feel good but they make you act like a drunken child haha

How I managed to walk out of that hospital with my baby is beyond me! They must have thought I was a right idiot!


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## rosepetals36

So there was a few from mine on Friday...

one wasn't me but the student midwife, id been labouring for a good 12 hours and it was changeover for staff time...the student midwife walked in with her mentor and the midwife leavin introduced us "so this is tom and Gemma" student midwife laughs at top of her voice, were all looking at her thinkin what's with this woman.. "my neighbours are called Gemma and tom" at this point another midwife walks in with a jug of somethin wondering if we need it? (i cant remember what it was) but somehow the whole room ends up in laughter. The midwife is then eonderin why she has this jug in her hand...im gettin high on the g and a and in my high state says "this is like a drunken random night where u see random ppl" 

my waters is another funny story! Babies head was really high up so when they broke my waters the midwife had to press on my belly so his head went down first and not cord/arm, well the pressure of her pressing was so bad when the doc broke my waters it was like a champagne bottle going off, the waters sprayed everywhere! Down side of docs face and my OH was a bit horrified! 

when i was near to pushin i was on all 4s over the back of the bed, and i farted, really loud! I was almost in tears (never fart in front of OH) "im sorrrrryyyyyyy" i said to everyone in room

the registrar who's in the room asks if she can see the baby be born as shes never seen a birth on all 4s, i tell her "yea sure no problem" 2 mins later i started freakin out "whos watchin me now??, who just asked??" "oh its u yea that's fine" lol

when i pushed i also pooed...OH hadn't noticed at all as he was in front of me, when i said "oh nooooo ive pooed" he was saying i hadn't and to just push and i was argue in with him that i had "i know i have i can smell it!"


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## xSweetTartx

I gave birth on February 22nd and I only have one really funny story from my labor:

I had to be induced due to medical concerns so we had all been there for quite a while. ((My husband and I plus my mom and dad)) I was going pee nearly every ten minutes and it was a big production as I was hooked up to pitocin and fluids. Every time my dad had to turn away so he wouldn't see my butt as I tried to make my way to the bathroom. ((Luckily, it was attached to the room.))

My dad decided to go down to the cafeteria to eat and when he came back later I was bouncing away on my labor ball. He entered the room and he joked asking me if I was going to be peeing all day. I started to say, "Don't be a jerk", but what came out was:

"Don't be a-" My water broke mid bounce and it started gushing over the ball and onto the floor. "I think I peed myself! I can't stop! I'm peeing myself!" The look on his face. :rofl: He ran to the nurses desk. 

I continued to freak out while my mom tried to convince me that it was my water breaking. "No it's pee! It just keeps on coming- it's everywhere!" :rofl:

When the nurses came in to clean it up they playfully accused me of trying to flood my delivery room. I was so embarrassed. It was everywhere. My husband and mom had gotten up on the couch to avoid stepping in it. It was all over the ball and around it. Under the bed. They had to call the cleaning people to mop it up. I apologized profusely to everyone. :rofl: My nurse told me that I had to sit on what looked like a puppy pad if I was going to continue bouncing. :blush:


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## mara16jade

LOL!!


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## MellyH

Aaaaahahahahah! Up on the couch!!! That's marvellous. :lol:


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## BigLegEmma

:lol:


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## Tinky_82

I don't think my story is that funny but will share it anyway. 
For one I found g&a hilarious and was convinced I sounded like Miranda Hart! 

My DS was born by vontouse in the operating theatre as they thought I might need a c section - for some reason the room was packed (at least 10 people plus the hubby and me), anyway once DS was out I seem have become an exhibitionists - I pulled my gown up so my boobs were showing (I think I wanted DS to feed which is why I did it) but now as a consequence all of the first pics of my darling boy are x-rated and I cringe to think what everyone in the room thought of me! 
I also have a great shot of the surgeon stitching me up nicely framed by my legs akimbo! 
Sorry if it's not funny just wanted to share.


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## rosepetals36

Tinky_82 said:


> I don't think my story is that funny but will share it anyway.
> For one I found g&a hilarious and was convinced I sounded like Miranda Hart!
> 
> My DS was born by vontouse in the operating theatre as they thought I might need a c section - for some reason the room was packed (at least 10 people plus the hubby and me), anyway once DS was out I seem have become an exhibitionists - I pulled my gown up so my boobs were showing (I think I wanted DS to feed which is why I did it) but now as a consequence all of the first pics of my darling boy are x-rated and I cringe to think what everyone in the room thought of me!
> I also have a great shot of the surgeon stitching me up nicely framed by my legs akimbo!
> Sorry if it's not funny just wanted to share.

ha ha i also stripped off after for skin to skin, mind u i had spent the last hour of labour with my ass and foo in full view of whoever came into the room, they may aswell had seen my boobs too :) xx


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## Natsku

I stripped off completely the moment I started pushing because I got too hot :haha:


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## Gemmamuk

My waters broke when I was in the bath in the hospital, so when the midwifes got me out, they put a hospital gown on me and took me to the birthing suite. It wasn't tied right and I was sat on the ball leaning against the bed and it kept falling forward. It was driving me insane and after one particularly intense contraction when it fell forward, I literally ripped it off and threw it across the room like the Incredible Hulk! Lol!!!
I spent the rest of my labour naked and only got dressed about 2 hours later lol!!


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## ksilme

My mum and hubby stripped me off mid pushing as wanted skin to skin but once on del and once the New midwife examined me (expecting me to be 4cm due to stupid midwife downstairs) everything happened so quickly (because I was right!!) I was still in my maxi dress lol 
I remember saying I was pushing whilst leaning on the side of the bed, to which my mum decided to hoist up my dress and check her head wasn't out lol, how embarrassing lol xx


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## saraaa

Loved all of these! Actually secretly looking forward to labour now, haha


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## despttc

:)


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## Eleanor ace

When I was in labour with DD I had a paramedic observing as he was training. I have several snapshot memories of his concerned and confused face, I think I put him off for life :haha:.
I was in the pool and on gas and air which makes me totally loopy. There was a thermometer floating int he pool and I "whispered" (read: shouted) to DH that I thought it was a Dairylea sandwich. No idea why there would be a Dairylea sandwich floating in the pool but I was convinced there was and that DH needed to know. The paramedic had to turn away to compose himself.
While I was lounging back in the water I got a bit low and dipped the end of the gas and air mouthpiece in the pool, so that when I blew out it blew bubbles, like a kid blowing bubbles with a straw in their drink. Everyone had a little laugh, but I couldn't get over how funny it was, I'd have a contraction, concentrate and then it would pass and I'd remember the bubble blowing and start laughing again. This went on for far too long and no one else found it funny anymore...

With DS I introduced myself to the MW and asked her name when I arrived at the L&D room. But I kept forgetting and apologising for not knowing her name. After about the 7th time of apologising for not knowing her name she said "you just called me by my name, if you didn't ask how do you know it?" and I told her very seriously "I'm psychic Lorna. But please don't tell anyone" :dohh:. About 10 minutes later DH arrived and I told him I'd been a "tricky pickle" and forgotton to ask the MW her name. Then she told me I couldn't have the gas an air anymore because it was making me loopy :dohh: :haha:


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## BigLegEmma

:lol:


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## despttc

:D


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## Emma&Freya

Eleanor ace said:


> When I was in labour with DD I had a paramedic observing as he was training. I have several snapshot memories of his concerned and confused face, I think I put him off for life :haha:.
> I was in the pool and on gas and air which makes me totally loopy. There was a thermometer floating int he pool and I "whispered" (read: shouted) to DH that I thought it was a Dairylea sandwich. No idea why there would be a Dairylea sandwich floating in the pool but I was convinced there was and that DH needed to know. The paramedic had to turn away to compose himself.
> While I was lounging back in the water I got a bit low and dipped the end of the gas and air mouthpiece in the pool, so that when I blew out it blew bubbles, like a kid blowing bubbles with a straw in their drink. Everyone had a little laugh, but I couldn't get over how funny it was, I'd have a contraction, concentrate and then it would pass and I'd remember the bubble blowing and start laughing again. This went on for far too long and no one else found it funny anymore...
> 
> With DS I introduced myself and asked her name when I arrived at the L&D room. But I kept forgetting and apologising for not knowing her name. After about the 7th time of apologising for not knowing her name she said "you just called me by my name, if you didn't ask how do you know it?" and I told her very seriously "*I'm psychic Lorna. But please don't tell anyone" *. About 10 minutes later DH arrived and I told him I'd been a "tricky pickle" and forgotton to ask the MW her name. Then she told me I couldn't have the gas an air anymore because it was making me loopy :dohh: :haha:

Just woke baby up laughing :haha:


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## Shandelion

Not quite a delivery story, but in recovery. I was in labor 36 hours and had no sleep to speak of in that time. They took me to my room afterward and took my son to the nursery. I spent two hours in my room, happily fiddling with stuff and relaxing, getting ready for a couple days stay, organizing...just recovering in general.

Then there was a knock at the door and a cheery woman came in with a bassinet, chirping "I have your baby!"

I was dumbfounded. I forgot there was a baby. I'd never held one before. I forgot they'd be bringing me one. I could only stare in horror, the nurse was asking me what was wrong.

I was very lucid, if a bit out of it. How could I forget they'd bring me a baby???


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## MellyH

Wow Shandelion, that must have been so weird! :lol:


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## Amy89

Lmao, a tricky pickle!!!


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## KelWin

omg i just spent the last fwe hours reading throuh these again and theyre even more hilarios when your high(on pain meds im not a drug addic)


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## dairymomma

My funny labor story isn't so much about labor but about my sister and I. We live very close to each other (like 5 minutes away) and most people say we look very much alike. (We don't see it by the way...Never have. :haha: And we aren't twins, I'm nearly 2 years older) When I was expecting my 1st baby, I found out she was expecting her 3rd baby just 3 weeks before me. We were super excited to be pregnant together and constantly compared our pregnancies the whole way through. Then she went into labor and had her baby 3 days before her due date. It just so happened that she delivered at the same hospital she had worked at for almost a year so many of the nurses already knew who she was. Then I unexpectedly went into labor and had my baby 3 weeks early. What was funny was that every nurse who saw me and my DH walk in did a double take. I even got asked, "Are you SURE you weren't here a few days ago?" by one incredulous nurse. And once I was admitted, I had my delivery nurses bringing other nurses into my room and asking, "Who does she remind you of?". (They asked first and were very polite about it. And it was only a few people. They eventually ran out of nurses to bring in. :haha:) DH and I got a good laugh out of it because it was such a shock to some of the ladies who were working that night to see this person who they had just discharged the day before suddenly turn up again hugely pregnant and in labor.

The other funny thing about this story is my sister had painful 'false starts' and BH contractions for 3 weeks before she went into labor. She even had 2 membrane sweeps done because she was dilated to a 3 and her baby was fully engaged a week before delivery. Didn't work. Then I go and have my baby _on her due date_. Her sister-in-law was laughing when she told my sister "At least you beat her to the hospital!" after finding out I had had my baby 3 weeks early.


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## newlywed2013

I just spent all day reading these! I'm not so afraid of labor anymore! Stalking for more stories!!


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## Taurus8484

I had to be induced and they upped the drip so the contractions came fast and strong. After 4 hours I needed an epidural as gas just wasnt doing it anymore.

I was high on gas when they were putting the epidural in and did a massive loud, long fart............thing was I wasnt even embrassed at the time.....just said "oops".

The Doctor behind me said "dont worry, theres a piece of plastic between me and it".......I think now he was referring to the sticky thing they put on your back when putting the epidural in.....

I am embrassed now when I think of it and hubby loves telling the story to family and friends.......


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## kaylacrouch93

Stalking for more stories as i get closer to my due date lol


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## Brightxeyes

ttc126 said:


> I was induced for severe pre-eclampsia and was soooo sick and out of it! All I remember talking about was whether someone could call down to the emergency room and get the green m&ms. What????
> 
> Then when I was pushing I just wanted to be done. I pushed super hard and the dr said "ok take a break now!" And I screamed "NOOOO!" and pushed him out! Lol :)
> 
> My husband was saying "good job babe! You're doing great!" while I pushed. I screamed for him to "shut the hell up!"
> 
> I was a gem in labor :)

I just howled with laughter when I tried to re tell this to my other half. I duno why but I find the 'nooooooo!' And pushing him out anyway absolutely fantastic! Like an angry scream and while screaming 'noooooo' popping out mid scream. Oh my days thank you for the uncontrollable giggles I have now!

I can tell I'm going to be an absolute nightmare in labour!!


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## birdlee337

So need to follow this!!! I'm getting nervous...these arw hilarious! :)


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## Gizzyy

Haha! Loving this thread!! XD


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## rollachick

Had a few funny moments during labour earlier this week.

-i had always thought how pathetic it was seeing how noisey ppl wer during labours so was real conscience of what ild sound like so while i was having contractions and moaning heaps i kept thinkn to myself "i sound like a dying yak" then after it was all over my sister and sister in law wer saying they kept saying that i sounded like a tranqualized moose and refered to dispicable me 2 when that chick gets hit with moose tranqualizer dart and said i sounded exactly like her :blush:

- i was sucking on the gas and air and the mouth piece came off and i cried "its broken" like a 5year old whinny kid.

- my midwife touched me to try and get bubs heart rate but i wasnt expecting it so whacked her and apparently splashed water all over her

-after a real intense contraction i did the biggest burp ever then just started cracking up laughing along with everyone in the room :haha:

-i had just felt babys head then my midwife gave me my bottle of water but the lid was closed so i said its closed and shes like no it has to b open u just felt her head in a very reasuring way, im like no the bottle the bottles closed and i hear everone in the room start laughn, i did not find it funny :p

Doesnt sound as funny written down but everyone had a good laugh bout it all afterwards :)


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## Harley Quinn

rollachick said:


> -i had just felt babys head then my midwife gave me my bottle of water but the lid was closed so i said its closed and shes like no it has to b open u just felt her head in a very reasuring way, im like no the bottle the bottles closed and i hear everone in the room start laughn, i did not find it funny :p
> 
> Doesnt sound as funny written down but everyone had a good laugh bout it all afterwards :)

:rofl: Bahaha! Thanks for sharing. That made my day!


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## magicwhisper

The midwife took.my hand and made me feel the head coming out even though i said no apparently i freaked out :haha:

I then got bad cramp in my leg and she shot out! the midwife wasnt expecting that one :rofl:


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## JessesGirl29

I was in a birth tub huffing G&A (which I loved!) and after each contraction would pause and I would talk my already low voice would be even lower....I felt a bit tipsy on all lovely gas and at times the OH, midwife and myself would be laughing saying "Wesley.....I am your mother" because I sounded exactly like Darth Vader my voice was so low. :dohh:

G&A was like being fun drunk so I between contractions the conversations could get pretty funny....I spoke honestly, the gas made me super truthful which we all laughed over it ('I feel like my ass is going to explode') :haha: BUT it actually helped me receive great support. 

Also - during pushing I was panicking and whining on gas 'you don't know how it feels!!!' And my one midwife said 'I know, my son was back to back in my third labour' to which I replied 'no you don't know how bad this feels' :haha: she was so sweet too.....she said 'okay.'. :blush:


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## wamommy

The actual labor and birth of #4 6 weeks ago was fairly uneventful, but we were team yellow and I couldn't WAIT to find out the gender. When the baby came out I couldn't see and started yelling, "what is it? what is it??" My sarcastic OB answered, "A _baby_, honey." I must have looked irritated or confused, because she quickly announced, "It's a boy!"


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## smallpeanut

I had a homebirth with my ds and as I was in the later stages of labour, I changed the bedding upstairs and got a strong contraction and peed myself. I shot down stairs just as the student midwife walked through the door shouting I've wet myself, I've wet myself! They both sat down and told me that's a good thing, the contractions are working. I told them I didn't want to poo myself as I didn't with my first and I'd me mortified but when I got in the pool and started pushing, I pooed. My other half thought it would be funny to shout at me 'fucking hell josie, they shot out like torpedoes!' I have never ever been so embarrassed in my life.


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## skyesmom

smallpeanut said:


> My other half thought it would be funny to shout at me 'fucking hell josie, they shot out like torpedoes!' I have never ever been so embarrassed in my life.

laughed my ass off!!!:rofl:


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## Eline

*bump*


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## magicwhisper

when ella was born my oh went "well ready for number 2" my response was bursting out laughing at the unimpressed midwife. you would of thought they would of got by then he was a joker.

when i was pushing the consultant kept sticking her head in the room to see how i was getting on, in one of the many ocassions i went "hasen;t that woman got anything better to do this isn't a bloody cinema you know"


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## Twinkl3

I could of died with shame with some of the things I came out with, especially when on G&A, I felt like I had been on a week long drinking session!

I had pethadine during labour and the midwife explained that it needed to go in your bum cheek, that's where I said "I'm not that bothered but I do have my apple catchers on! Just don't let DH anywhere near there!" 

I watched my labour through a mirror at the end of the bed, I knew I did the most embarrasing thing any woman could do (but you don't care at the time) ... a No2! I kept apologising to the midwife but she said I didn't do anything (I knew I had but she wasn't going to come out with it). I went on to apologise that I had had a domino's pizza a few days before, but it could of been a lot worse if I had a curry! :dohh:

I thanked one of the doctors for not having "shovel hands" as well :haha:

Ground swallow me up please - bet they've heard/seen some things!


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## Teri7489

These are brilliant!

I remember getting really annoyed at the midwife saying ' keep going, i can see the head, baby has lots of dark hair' i couldnt work out how she could see that but the head wasnt out lol. I then decided to put my hand down to have a feel - right in to the big poo that i had just done whilst pushing. I then squealed that i had sh** all over my hands and i didnt want to do it anymore. Everyone was laughing whilst my husband tried not to throw up. Not my best moment! xxx


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## Teri7489

A couple pushes in, I farted quite loudly in the doctors face. I apologized, then started laughing. My husband was so embarrassed!*[/QUOTE]

literally crying with laughter!! Too funny :haha::haha:


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## magicwhisper

hilarious :rofl:


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## SIEGAL

I'm a bit ashamed of the birth of my second. Got to hospital at like 8 pm a and it was quiet. After a while I got the epidural -hubby and me napped - nurse woke me then I pushed out baby in two pushes. Held him a few minutes and then nursery took him. We both went back to sleep for a few hours till they took me to my room. No excitement like my first - we were barely awake!


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## 3littleloves

I haven't had many really funny or embarrassing moments during my two previous births. Although my last was attempting a drug free VBAC so I planned to labour at home for as long as possible. I was doing really well but when my waters broke and there was meconium in it I knew I had to go to the hospital. So off we went but the pressure was intense and was trying not to push. We got to the hospital but there's no where to park so my partner had to drop me off. I walk inside the main entrance looking like a mess with wet hair after labouring in and out of the shower for 3 hours, carrying a plastic bag with meconium soaked towel (midwives told me to bring it in) and wearing a big maxi dress that my partner picked out for me as I spent the whole morning naked. Because it was a baggy dress and I wasn't very big I didn't even look pregnant. So I looked awful and then the next contraction starts as I get to the lift and I can barely move and can't talk. I'm doing deep breathing and sort of moaning on every exhale. I realised all the people around me are freaked out and just staring at me. I manage to get in the lift and see the level I want is already selected but a man asks what level I want. I couldn't talk but in my head I was thinking it would be funny if I said psychiatric ward. Instead I didn't say anything but kept moaning. We go up a few levels and the man asks again what level I want and I couldn't think. The only thing I could mutter was labour. They all looked a so relieved after that. One of the people in the lift must have worked there because he then escorted me to the labour ward where I found out I was 10cm dilated and baby was born shortly after.

My partner parked the car and made it with plenty of time to spare but I was so focused on my breathing I didn't even realise he was there. It wasn't until baby was born and on my chest for at least a minute or so that he asked what colour eyes he had. I remember looking up at him and thinking "Oh there you are" but we have it on video and it looks like I'm just completely ignoring him.


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## AmyRebecca

I started reading this thread yesterday at work and was so sad at first when I saw how old it was, but I'm so thrilled it is still going! I actually just joined this site today so that I could subscribe to this thread and hopefully add something to it in January when my Little Miss gets here!

You ladies are hysterical and I'm so much less afraid of labor just from reading all of your stories. I have to say though, I really wish we had G&A in the states ... I think I would probably be just as mouthy as some of you!


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## PurpleRain92

I've got quite a few bu not as funny as others I read lol.
I was in labour for 42 hours with my DD after being induced due to pre-eclampsia and had back to back labour. I ended up having every bit of pain relief I could throughout it; gas and air, pethidine, epidural. 
I was induced at 6 in the morning on the Monday and by 12pm, I had started having pressure in my bum and cramps in my back which I was convinced was just me needing to poo every 5 minutes aha every few minutes I would run to the toilet to try and poo cuz I thought I was just badly constipated: it was just early contractions.
When I had the gas and air, I was convinced my already deepish voice had took on a whole new level of manliness and got upset that everyone in the room would hate my voice.. Lol.
After the pethidine, I got a little loopy, and was having conversations with my mother and partner about being lost in a field and having to get to the top of the bus to get my brother.
My mother had finished off my salad I couldn't finish and proceeded to get all up in my face with a severe case of onion breath and I remember screaming at her to brush her teeth.
I had a 2nd degree tear and so needed stitches afterwards. Prior to this, I had been proclaiming to everyone I needed to pass gas but couldn't. And of course, my poorly controlled bowels decided to release this gas for an extensive period of time whilst I was getting my stitches, right in the midwife's face. I was so mortified but just couldn't stop.
For a while in the last stages of labour, I had to have my legs up in stirrups and by the time I'd given birth and everything, all sense of dignity had just gone and though the midwife repeated told me I could put my legs down, I just really felt comfy with them up like that so just kept them there ha.
Once I was moved on to the ward and my partner came back up to see me, I fell asleep for an hour and was woke up to him and a few women on the ward laughing. I was so confused and apparently I sounded like snorlax snoring. Not long afterwards, a midwife decided to give me my own room because as she put it.. We like to try to give all mother's a room to their self. Polite way to tell me my snoring was too beastly for the ward aha!


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## nikkchikk

I was given Stadol at the beginning of labor to take the edge off. My husband and sister were in the room with me when I began to panic and repeatedly tell them, quite seriously, that my breathing had stopped and they MUST perform CPR on me. I remember a lot of snickering, lol. 

Stadol. NEVER AGAIN.


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## luz

My labor was pretty quick and my water broke right as we pulled into the hospital. My husband parked at the furthest spot away from the door and little did i know i was nearly fully dilated when we got there. I was in so much pain from the contractions i could hardly walk, yet he made me walk to the door. A nurse quickly noticed we were in need of help as we walked in and sat me down in a wheel chair and wheeled me up to L&D. They were kind of dilly dallying around when we first got in trying to decide where they would put me when i said very rudely to everyone, "can we please hurry this along? i am going to have this baby NOW" 

All of a sudden everyone started moving very quickly, they ran me into a room pulled my pants off and helped me onto the bed. There were about 10 people in the room getting everything set up as quick as possible once they realized i was fully dilated and the head was moving down. 

While they were trying to get my IV in and everything set up the nurse asked me how i was doing... I looked at her and said "i'm really sorry but i think i am going to poop all over this bed!" 

Im sure it took everything in her not to giggle, but she politely said, that's ok honey, i'll clean it up. After the baby was born, my husband whispered to me, "did you know you told the nurse you were going to poo?" he was pretty embarrassed....


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## shinona

I haven't looked at this for a while but it made me giggle so much again.

I had my third baby on Wednesday so I'm here to add my two funny/embarrassing stories.

The first was at about 10pm, my contractions were intense but had tailed off to one in 10mins when I'd been at 3 or 4 in 10. I was starting to worry and really feel the pain so I asked my hubby to put on some "swirly whirly" music like we'd had on the ward (kind of like the nice relaxing music at a spa). He flicked on the radio and it blared out "dun dun ... Everything is Awesome" the total techno tune from the Lego Movie. I gave him the evil eye and suggested he turn it off as everything was in fact not awesome! We were both in hysterics.

Secondly, while actually pushing, the midwife was telling me to push into my bum and I was very aware that I was pooing. She kindly said "you've just had a show, dear" and I replied " that's ok, I know I've pooed and you're just being nice". Ah, gas and air....how I've missed you! I only had it for 20 mins during transition/pushing so I didn't have time to come out with too many crackers!
Xx


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## imblessed14

lol, i'm over here chuckling, thanks for the laughs ladies :D


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## Jes Willi

Guys, this is so funny, someone should collect it in a book


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## nmpjcp2015

futurephotos said:


> Thank you everyone! I don't have any children yet - so no stories, but man these were fun to read!!

I don't have any children yet either I hope I have a funny story to tell of my own soon. 

I do have a story about my sister though. She asked me to stay in the room with her for support, so I said yes, but I was so afraid that when the anesth. came in to give her the epidural, I hid in the bathroom and peeking through a slit in the door. I told everyone I suddenly had to go to the bathroom. Lol. 

This was her third child, so the labor was going quickly, but the doctor worked in the pediatric clinic across the street and told the nurses to call him when it was close because he had some appointments. Well she progressed really quickly and before they knew it my niece was coming out. The nurses started screaming, don't push, don't push. The dr was called and you could see him through the window RUNNING across the parking lot to make it in time. He got there with his hair flying all over and washed up and put on his gear and Gaby literally slid right into his arms. I guess he wanted to make sure he got paid that day. He almost missed it. :dohh:

AFM I already know I'm my husband is going to be in for a real treat when I'm in labor. He knows not to take it personally. Lol.


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## Eline

Bumping this great thread! I hope to be able to add some nice anecdotes myself in a few weeks :)


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## hayz_baby

With ds2 being undiagnosed breech I wanted to make sure that ds3 was defo head down. Especially with my planned home water birth. 
In the throws of pushing (on dry land might i add as pool wasn't ready in time) as I could feel the head starting to come I exclaimed..
"Please tell me thats his head!"
I made the mw look twice as she just wasnt expecting that question!

She later told me she was really thrown by that, she had checked several times before but the question made her question..!


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## icegurl470

Ha, this is a great thread! When I was having my daughter I labored in the tub un-medicated, after the dr checked me and told me I was 9.5 cm and I could push whenever I wanted he started to leave the room and then I yelled somethings coming out! and he whipped around and every jumped up and got really excited but it turned out just to be my waters lol. Then after pushing for an hr I moved from the tub to the bed, pushed the head out and got really bad "ring of fire" The dr was down there helping the baby's head come out and I screamed at him to PUT SOME GEL ON IT OR SOMETHING! Then I started smacking at his hands lol. Afterwards, he was examining me and I asked how my vagina was. He said my "perineum was intact" after a long pause my moms like what does that mean? 

I didn't really think any of this was funny but my mom and my sister still joke about it..


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## icegurl470

Oh I should also note that I was terrified of pooping during labor. Well, as if to spite me I pooped throughout my entire labor. pooped my brains out at home during early labor. Pooped my brains out for hrs in bathroom by myself in the hospital, pooped in the shower.. After about 8hrs of this I thought surely there cant be any more poop. Spent the last part of my labor in the tub and somehow still managed to poop out seemingly untouched pristine corn kernels that my husband and mw sifted out. My mom, apparently the queen on stupid questions, asked honey do you eat corn?


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## Natsku

icegurl470 said:


> Oh I should also note that I was terrified of pooping during labor. Well, as if to spite me I pooped throughout my entire labor. pooped my brains out at home during early labor. Pooped my brains out for hrs in bathroom by myself in the hospital, pooped in the shower.. After about 8hrs of this I thought surely there cant be any more poop. Spent the last part of my labor in the tub and somehow still managed to poop out seemingly untouched pristine corn kernels that my husband and mw sifted out. My mom, apparently the queen on stupid questions, asked honey do you eat corn?

This is probably why they insist of giving enemas in the hospitals over here. Urgh I hate enemas!


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## skyesmom

icegurl470 said:


> Oh I should also note that I was terrified of pooping during labor. Well, as if to spite me I pooped throughout my entire labor. pooped my brains out at home during early labor. Pooped my brains out for hrs in bathroom by myself in the hospital, pooped in the shower.. After about 8hrs of this I thought surely there cant be any more poop. Spent the last part of my labor in the tub and somehow still managed to poop out seemingly untouched pristine corn kernels that my husband and mw sifted out. My mom, apparently the queen on stupid questions, asked honey do you eat corn?

"honey, do you eat corn" LOL!!! i can only imagine our OH and the mw!!


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## Nataliieexo

the only funny things that happened in mine was, the first try of gas and air when I spoke I sounded so deep and I was in stitches until it made me feel really sick. 

They cut off my disposable knickers that they had given me and checked me and my grandma tried covering me back over with a sheet and i told her not to because it didn't matter everyone had already seen it now (meaning my toosh) it still tickles me now.

And I'm sure I sounded really funny when I started declaring at 7cm that I was dying which now I realise was dramatic lol


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## CrazyMumma

OMG this thread is amazing

With my first I was in labor for 46hrs. I was exhausted....and when I get over tired I get VERY grumpy and emotional

I remember after a particularly nasty contraction I stood up, grabbed my handbag and proceeded to walk out of the room - I opened the door and said to my midwife *"I've changed my mind, she can f**king stay in there!"* just as another contraction hit and I sheepishly made my way back into the room!

After I discovered the g&a I went to town! Loved the stuff! I can vaguely recall laying on the bed as high as a kite shouting out *"I'm a space monkey!"* - noooo idea where that came from

After she was born I went all primal on it - I ripped the hospital gown in half yanking it off me - I think I'd been staring at the skin to skin posters on the delivery suite walls a little too long!

Can't wait to see what crazy things happen this time!


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## carebear1981

Finally made it through all of these. Laughed so much!! Thanks ladies for sharing and maybe I'll have my own story to add in September.


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## victoria1987

So long, sorry
Had my DS 8 months ago but it is all still so fresh in my mind, here are some of my funny stories:

I had two midwives through pg and birth, one was awesome and one was terrible. Terrible mw checked me at 40+2 and I was hard, posterior and 0cm, she told me I wouldn't go into labour for another week at least. Went into labour that night. I held out and didn't call her until cx were 2 mins apart as I was scared of going in and being sent home. She basically didn't believe me and told me to come to the clinic (across town) to be checked and not to bother bringing my bags. We drive over there (horrible), cx are 1 min apart and DH has to practically carry me in. I literally walked in the door and the mw who was in reception said "nope, go right to L&D". Mw was not even at the clinic at this point btw. 

Drive across town again and I seriously am worrying that I will have the baby in the car. DH just dumps the car at the entrance with keys still in the ignition and tells the security guard to please not tow us. He looks at me with a horrified face and quietly shakes his head yes. 

Then this random enormous black man with a heavy african accent grabs a wheel chair and says he will take us up. He proceeds to rub my shoulders and proclaim over and over "praise God! Praise Jesus! Praise God baby is healthy and strong!" I'm a little weirded out but too far gone to really care. We wheel up to the elevator and there are literally about 20 people waiting. They all give me a very wide berth and many of the men look horrified, one guy keeps pushing the elevator button over and over and muttering about how long it is taking. Keep in mind at this time I am at 7cm and screaming my head off, my DH looks like he is going to pass out and random African guy is shouting God's praises. When the elevator came no one else got in... :haha: 

We get up to L&D, bid goodbye to very nice but overly enthusiastic random hospital patron, am quickly checked (7cm! yay!) and put into a room. After we got into the room we find out that African man is actually the chief of neonatology! LOL! Makes so much more sense! 

My mother decided to rush over to the hospital when DH called her and she burst into the room as I am bent over the bed with my bum hanging out and sucking on G&A. I shouted at her to bugger off! She quickly left and I felt badly afterward but she said she understood. At some point my DH manages to call a friend with our house key to bring my bags because I can't stop obsessing over them. As it turned out I was home within 19 hours of admission and used almost nothing anyway. Basically only needed clothing to go home in for me and baby and my camera.

During pushing he got stuck as he was back to back with his head tilted to the side, the mws manually turned him but I had been pushing for more than 2 hours. The hospital policy was that after 2 hours an OB has to come in for a consult. So a man whom I had never met comes in a roughly shoves his hands up my lady bits and declares that the head is right there so it should be easy, just push it out. Then walks out the room. Awesome mw jokingly pats me on the leg and says "see, it should be easy! Good thing he had a look, otherwise we never would have thought of just pushing him out." I had a good laugh for the first time in hours. 

Terrible mw was sewing me up and my epidural had finally kicked in after not working at all through my 2.5hrs of pushing and I could not feel a thing. As she was down there though I kept passing gas right in her face and spraying blood and God knows what else all over her! I was so humiliated and she looked pissed off about it too which made me feel worse. I started kind of laughing on the inside thinking "haha, serves you right B****". I got some in her mouth too. 

That's my story, TTC for #2 right now so hopefully I will be back at L&D sometime in the near future!


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## mara16jade

Hahahaha :rofl:


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## MissFox

All I got this time was while they were peeping the bed for me to push was I looked at my mom and told her "they're fucking with my chi!"
Everyone laughed. My OB asked if that was all I had because usually people get mean.


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## UponAStar

Hahaha - these stories are great! :haha:


During labor I had an epidural. When the midwife took my catheter out so I could start pushing more, water gushed up and hit her in the face. I was amazed thinking that the baby's head had moved and amniotic fluid was coming out or something. Nope. My SO told me later that it was actually pee. I peed in my midwife's face. To top it off, I had a look of awe on my face and I think I said "oh wow!" or something. Hah. I was so embarrassed when I found out.:blush:


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## Perplexed

my mom and Dh were behind a curtain in the delivery room... I was screaming the entire time that I can't do it I can't do it then at some point I heard a noise behind the curtain (I think dh pulled a chair or something) and kept demanding to know what that noise was. 

the dr looking confused and blank just said "umm its your family", 

honestly? who cares what that noise was! I doubt I'd care if there was a thunderstorm going on outside!


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## Rhio92

I kept asking for my mum, then immediately after would be like 'why did I ask that?! I don't want her here!' (We're not close at all).

I also kept putting my finger inside me without thinking during pushing to see how far she had to go then afterwards would shout 'I'm sorry! I don't know why I did that! Am I allowed? Oh I'm sorry!'. The midwife kept reassuring me that it was fine and that it saved her a job :haha:


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## Shedevil18

I seriously just read all 75 pages! LMAO!

I haven'y been through labor yet (not even pregnant...) but I hope I have some funny stories to tell when the time comes!

Thanks for sharing ladies, made my day :)


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## kdmalk

I am literally crying while reading these. Unfortunately, I am also dealing with some nasty ms, so I may actually puke from laughing. Must. Stop. Reading. lol


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## ajarvis

What a great thread! Definitely subscribing to this one


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## MrsMandy

Wow love this thread!! It has taken at least a week of night time feeds too get through all 75pages but it has made the nights much easier!! Haha.
Guess its time I added my own funny moments...

My labour was all in my back, and the contractions were fairly intense from the start. After about 10 hours of the early part of labour my husband suggested I got in the bath to help ease the pain. Well I didn't want to lie flat on my back and risk baby turning, and I couldn't fit sideways in the bath anymore so he suggested I go on all fours and he'd put the shower on and aim it at my back. This worked wonders. By this point it was breakfast time so hubby went to get some cereal and I was like 'don't leave me on my own!!' So he's sat in the bathroom with a bowl of bran flakes leaning over the side of the bath rubbing my back. All I could think was don't drop bran flakes in the bath!!

Later after I'd got out I put the tens machine on. This helped with the constant back ache and then I thought I'd try the boost button with the next contraction. When it hit, the button was out of my reach so I asked hubby to press if for me - I forgot to tell him to press and let go, so instead he pressed and held it down. Oh . my. Gosh. The pain!!! It was worse than the actual contraction!!! He had essentially tasared me during a contraction!!! It promptly made me throw up for the 3rd time and effectively terrified me to use the boost button at all after that!!!

Once we got to point that I needed to go to hospital we got in the car to discover that for the 1st time in weeks we had run out of petrol! Hubs had ment to get it on his way to work that morning but obviously he never went! So we had to stop at the petrol station on the way. As hubby was paying, another contraction hit, so there I am doubled over in the front seat, hair a right mess as it was soaked from the shower and hadn't been bushed, and making a racket like a dying cow! The look on the guys face who was getting fuel at the next bay over was priceless!!

There wasn't much funny once we got to the hospital, however hubby does love to tease me about me yelling for the g&a which I only had for the last half hour. They were prepping me for a c section as bubs heart rate kept dropping with the contractions. My body was trying to push him out while I was only 8 cm, so they gave me the g&a and kept telling me to breath through the contractions and not push. During this I kept trying to say I can't stop it coz my body was just doing it, but all that was coming out was I can't!! Everybody kept saying yes you can do it. I just remember getting really annoyed and thinking, I know I can do it, but I can't stop my body pushing!! And getting really annoyed that they didn't understand what I was trying to say!!!!
As they started to wheel me to theatre I had my eyes closed so i had no idea who was next to me, but they had taken the g&a pipe off me. I got really angry at this and screached GASSSS! at the top of my voice and angrily snached it back as soon as I felt the pipe come near my hand!! I also had yelled at hubby when I'd pulled the mouthpiece off and he was desperately trying to put it back on for me but I was moving it around so much he couldn't! 

Thats all my funny moments - not that they felt particularly funny at the time!!
I did have a strange moment in theatre which I didn't know about til afterwards. 
From the point they pulled me out the bath where I had been labouring, until I had my son was about 30/40 minutes. In that time I didn't once open my eyes! I couldn't tell you what my Dr looked like untill after as i just couldn't open my eyes, I had to shut myself in my own world. Once we got into theatre they checked me again and I was 10cm. They told me if I could push him out while they were still prepping for surgery then go for it. Didn't have to tell me twice. I grabbed the hands of the people on each side, thinking one was hubby, and pushed! His head was born and I waited for the next contraction to get his body out. I waited for what felt like a lifetime! Up until this point they had been right on top of each other with no break between. I remember thinking come on!! Wheres the next contraction and getting really fed up waiting for it to happen! 

After the birth a couple days later I was talking to hubby and asked if it was him I had held of while I pushed and he said no. He'd nearly missed the bith as they had kept him outside while they prepped for surgery. I asked who had been standing on that side then, and he said no one was there.. Later as I talked to my dad about the birth he told me he had been sat at home and in his mind had been holding my hand through it! 

So that's my story, hope it helps entertain some of you whilst your waiting for your labour or getting through the next 3am feed (as I am right now!) Looking forward to reading more new ones, hope this thread continues for many more years!

ETA: holy moly hadn't realised I'd written so much!!!


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## DoubleTFun

Anyone have any new stories?


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## Twag

Ok so not a new story but from the birth of my son, this is all according to my husband as I really do not remember any of it :wacko: :shrug::

Gas & Air once I was in the delivery suite before they gave it to me they asked DH if he wanted a sandwich (he was wise and said no lol) anyway I then start on the G&A and not too much later start shouting at the midwifes to get out of my kitchen as my husband cannot get in to make a sandwich :wacko:

Also apparently according to my husband I was so out of it my eyes were spinning in my head :wacko:

I also started to go on about there being too many tree's and I couldn't get through them!! (apparently on the walls of the delivery suite were paintings of tree's :haha:)


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## Spudtastic

You know I can't remember if I've posted here before so I'm sorry of you've heard my stories. I suppose they're not too funny but they are the light hearted side of labour.

My parents were in town. I'd been having mild contractions all morning but they were getting more intense in the afternoon. My midwife had said call her when my contractions were regular and when they were getting stronger I was obsessed with timing them and writing them down. But they went from 8minutes to 5 minutes then 8minutes then 3 minutes. I said they are not regular but my husband was just saying 'ring the midwife' so in the end I gave in and rang her. When she arrived my dad had the camera out and was taking photos of the midwife and then off me having a contraction (I hate to be photographed btw). Then the midwife checked me and I was 2cm and as we had a 3+hour drive to the hospital we decided to leave.
I'd been told to put some bin liners on the car seat woth some towels in case my waters broke on the way to hospital. My dh was in the car yelling at me to go but I told him calmly I had to make sure everything was right.....the bin liners, my bags, my tens machine etc etc. I methodically checked everything whilsty dh was getting agitated.

Fast forward quite a few hours. I hadn't eaten anything aince breakfast and now it waa 10pm. The midwife had told me to bring a bag of jelly beans for energy. I demanded my jelly beans and stuffed two into my mouth only to realise I was going to vomit (again) if I ate them......I spat them both right into my midwifes face lol. 

Fast forward again to pushing and I was telling my midwife 'I can't do it I can't do it'. My midwife replies 'that's why I have two dogs and not children' and 'this is why it's called labour'. I kept asking 'is it soon?' meaning is my daughter about to arrive and the mw kept saying 'soon' for about two whole hours. The ob also kept popping in to check because dd's heart had kept on slowing and she was facing the wrong way and a little bit stuck (but obviously not stuck since I pushed her out ). So finally the ob walked in and said 'oh can I watch? I don't see many normal births I'm normally doing the caesarian'. I was so excited the whole process was about to be over I didn't care that an extra person was voluntarily looking between my legs. The midwife then lifted her scissors and I remember it like a horror comedy with the mw grinning and snipping the scissors but those scissors excited me even more. And they didn't hurt at all.  my dd arrived safely 

And fast forward again a few months to a sunday morning. My dh was driving taxis and picked up a lady who'd been out all night.......it was only the ob who stayed to watch my dds birth.


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## Gemmaleanne23

duronv my first labour in the triage room I was about 4cms and the midwife popped in and asked if I'd like some paracetamol, mid contraction I glared at her and in what my oh can only describe as a demon voice I hissed at her that "I was having a baby not a fucking headache!" She (thankfully) took it lightheartedly, smiled (making me want to punch her in the teeth) and said "ok, I'll leave them on the side incase" as she left the room I asked my oh to pass me them and he obliged thinking I was going to take them only to see them fly past his head at the door as it closed behind her. I'm usually a very quiet and polite person, my oh was gobsmacked lol


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## VerbingNoun

When I went into labor, I thought I had to go number 2 so I kept asking for a bedpan. Well while she was coming, I felt something slide out my rear and I screamed "told you I had to s***!"


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## Elo5

High on gas and air during my second labor, while getting an epidural, the student midwife was in front of me holding my hair, top up and relaxing my shoulders. Didn't know until I was pain free once it kicked in she told me I had groped her boob by accident, God knows how but cringe!!


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## hellojello25

So this is by far my favorite thread and though I know I still have a ways to go, it makes me feel better about going into labor. Anytime I get nervous thinking about it, I just come here and read these stories and feel so much better again. I know I'll have some stories to add when I give birth because I'm just such a weird person.

Example: This past June I had surgery to have my gallbladder out. While they were getting me prepped, they gave me some kind of drug through the IV to relax me. BF said my pupils got huge and I just remember being so happy and smiling. Well, I LOVE the movie Baby Momma and decided to say to the anesthesiologist, "This stuff is great. What's the street name for this stuff?" which is a quote from the movie. Needless to say, he did NOT find that funny and my BF just looked down and shook his head. 

Example 2: We were surprised when I found out I was pregnant, so when we went to the first ultrasound around 6 weeks I was nervous. When the woman found the little guy in there and showed us, the first words to pop out of my mouth was another quote from Baby Momma, specifically, "Holy shit, there's a baby in there?!?!" She didn't find that funny either.


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## icegurl470

After 2 weeks of BH and false alarms I finally went into labor on 10/21/15. I literally went from the BH maybe every 10 minutes apart to painful long lasting contractions 3 minutes apart just like that, it happened so fast. When we got to the hospital I kept asking if it was the real thing and the nurses kept laughing at me because apparently it was pretty obvious that it was.

This was my 2nd and the whole labor was only 5hrs, but it was very intense. My mom and my husband did a wonderful job supporting me and keeping the environment calm and quiet. It was silent in the room most the time, I was just focusing on getting past each contraction. My sister had showed up when I was just getting ready to push and things were really intense. One of the student nurses came in and and asked if she could come in right as I had a contraction building and I responded in a possessed demon voice NOOO! As soon as it passed I apologized and said yes she can come in.

My first baby was 6lbs 4.5oz and this baby was 8lbs 11.5oz! I could feel her crowing and it hurt, I didnt feel anything with my first until I had pushed the head out, so I kept thinking I had pushed the head out when I hadn't. I kept asking the nurse is she out? Grab her! She would say no not yet, close. I was getting so pissed. When I finally pushed her out I said she's out now right??! The dr said reach down and grab your baby and I was like, it's about time!

I had a water birth and had to get out to deliver the placenta. The severed cord and clamp were hanging out of me and I had tons of hind water coming out, it was not a pretty sight. I heard a big gush when my placenta was delivered and thought it was more hind water, but apparently it was blood! It filled up the whole bucket type thing they had. Of course my mom happened to look over right as this happened. Her face was priceless :haha:


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## carebear1981

The only embarassing thing to happen to me was during labour I was so nauseous. I think it was the shot of morphine they gave me. I told the nurse I was gonna be sick and she held up one of those kidney shaped bowls. I warned her that it might not be big enough but she said it was ok. I projectile vomited all over her :blush: felt so bad! They had to call the cleaners in to change the bed and clean the floor. 

Oh and as the anesthesiologist was leaving I said 'thanks man, you are awesome!' since I had been screaming for an epidural for hours (really intense and long back labour, I wussed out).


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## Misscalais

carebear1981 said:


> The only embarassing thing to happen to me was during labour I was so nauseous. I think it was the shot of morphine they gave me. I told the nurse I was gonna be sick and she held up one of those kidney shaped bowls. I warned her that it might not be big enough but she said it was ok. I projectile vomited all over her :blush: felt so bad! They had to call the cleaners in to change the bed and clean the floor.
> 
> Oh and as the anesthesiologist was leaving I said 'thanks man, you are awesome!' since I had been screaming for an epidural for hours (really intense and long back labour, I wussed out).

You're definitely not a wuss for having an epidural. Ive only had gas and air for my labours but my back labour i was begging for the epi. Only i couldn't have one because my labour, fortunately, was very quick.


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## Misscalais

When i had my 3rd bub in 2014 i was very constipated. With my 1st two i had a big clear put for 2/3 days prior. So no poop left by the time i was in labour.
So to my shock and horror my labour wasn't progressing because i was so back up. Midwife asked me to go for a wee to see if my bladder might have been full. When i got on the toilet i realized i needed to poop, so she walks in mid poop and intense contraction and was like whoa i see babies head and ran and put her gloves on. It was agony without my gas and air lol i tried so hard to finish but bub was sat right there. So sure enough i finished the rest of my poo on the bed as baby was being born. I was mortified and im sure DH was too lol
My mw kept telling me i did so well, i was like no you did so well!


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## Creolequeen81

Thank you ladies for your posts my sister and I were laughing very hard!!! Especially at the woman who grabbed her husband's balls and said feel the pain!!! I cried!!!!


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## adrie

I have a funny moment from my labour for sure. 

It was pretty intense until I got the epidural at about 7-8cm. Since it worked well, I was relaxed, laying in the bed and chatting with my mom. At that time, OH decided to go down the corridor to the coffee shop for a cookie and a coffee. 

He came back and I went from being relaxed and chatting to being poised on all fours on the bed with the air machine attached to my face and about 10-15 other docs and nurses rushing around. We laugh about it, remembering how he was just casually walking down the hall back to my room with his little cookie having no idea what was going on.

(All was well-we figure baby had descended at that time, positioning her at a different angle, making it difficult to register the hb).


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## Shellbells31

I have a funny labour story that I keep meaning to post the last few weeks. During my labour I had the tens machine on which was helping me alot to cope with the contractions and after a while it felt like it wasn't helping as much and the OH kept upping the strength of the pulses so I could feel them but I couldn't notice them. Eventually we realised that the batteries were flat and the midwife went to get some more. After she replaced the batteries she turned it back on without checking the control and I got a full voltage charge shooting through my whole body. I was standing next to the bed at the time and let out an involuntary scream as it felt like I was being electrocuted and my legs collapsed to the floor. My poor OH panicked thinking that it must be a really bad contraction as I hadn't done that before but luckily the midwife realised fairly quickly what was happening and turned the tens down to a more comfortable level. Lol at the time I didn't see anything funny about it but later after my little girl was born and I was talking to my mother I remembered the incident and in telling her the story we were all in stitches laughing at what had happened.


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## mummytobe_93

My second child was born at home unexpectedly on our bathroom floor in a very quick labour. My dad walked through the door and I remember just screaming and being inconsolable saying ring me and ambulance at the time I think they thought I was over exaggerating. I got in the car with my partner to go to the hospital for 30 seconds down the road and felt his head crowning. turned back round I was banging the door screaming at 4am in the morning so all the neighbours could hear. My dad finally answered and I just screamed I can feel his head coming out (embarrassing because my dad is so not that sort of person...) anyway I went In to the bathroom with my partner and he delivered him, the paramedics on the phone were telling him to get me on my back and I was screaming at them telling I'm not effing getting on my back (major back labour)... After delivering my son the paramedics turned up 5 mins later cut the cord Etc. I got up to go downstairs to the ambulance and the paramedics said to me do you not want to put some pants on as you are about to go out in public? I was completely butt naked and hadn't even thought. I put my pants on and obviously realised I had a huge cord hanging out of me, literally dragging on the floor so I was like what do I do with this? They said whatever you want, so I tucked the umbilical cord in to my pants so embarrassing. 

Anyway my partner cleaned the bathroom that night and realised I had pooed all over the floor which was covered in bloody towels. He hadn't even noticed even though he was down there the whole time! 

With my first born I remember crying saying I need to poo I need to poo and they were like no the baby's head is crowing. I was like no I need to go to the toilet can you help me get to the toilet. I didn't believe them that no the babies head was actually coming out!


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## mummytobe_93

Also remember something about my daughters birth. I kept pushing for hours and she wouldn't come out at all, eventually the midwife said to me do you need to pass urine? And I said no. Anyway after about ten minutes of me saying no definitely not she cathetered me, I filled up a whole bucket thing and it over flowed everywhere and the babies head came out and the wee was still coming out and some went on her head. I had drank 2 jugs of water because the gas and air made me so Thirsty without passing urine once!


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## charlie_lael

Bumping this. I'll be adding my second story in a few weeks if it's funny. Haha


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## Tinky_82

Still love this thread - I read it all the way through when pregnant with my first.


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## Loren

Hi all, with my labour nearly 5 years ago, few funny things, everyone knows the involuntary pushing that starts when your at or nearing 10cm, well that was at its peak as I was mooing all over the room, to which I started to poop with every push I didn't mean or do myself, my midwife was wiping it away like it was nothing my little boys dad and my mum were crying laughing me at the time was not haha, so after that fiasco, that wasn't so funny but everytime I tell this 1 I still giggle, my midwife says I'm going to take a little peak to see what's happening so she lifted the sheet and I was laying on my side put her face pretty much right Infront of my lady bits and I let out a very airy yet loud fart right in her face, not meant but it still happened at the time I was fuzzy from the diamorphone to care but afterwards dear lord I could have died hahaha also my babies dad shouted PULL PULL with panic as I was pushing, that didn't go down well haha xxxxxx


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## jessmke

At the time I didn't think anything about my labour was funny, but looking back at it there were some funny moments. 

After labouring hard for over 24 hours I was only at 7 cm, so I asked to have some gas and air as I was having a very difficult time coping. After my first puff of it I burst into tears, same thing happened after the second puff, so my hubby took the gas away from me thinking it was making things worse. My next contraction came and it was horrendous so I was screaming at him from the top of my lungs 'get me the gas! Get me the gas!'. poor guy was scrambling frantically trying to get the gas back to me. 

Several hours after starting the gas and air I was still at 7 cm so the doctor wanted to start pitocin (I was in the hospital for 13 hours at this point and only progressed from 4 cm to 7 cm in that time). At the start of labour I was dead set against an epidural, but at this point I was completely exhausted and didn't think I could cope if the contractions got worse. My hubby and I discussed it and decided I would get an epidural. As soon as the decision was made I wanted the epidural IMMEDIATELY so I wouldn't have to feel more pain, so I started screaming 'I want the anesthesiologist in here NOW!'. The nurse was trying to explain to me that he was in with another patient but would come as soon as he could but I just kept demanding that he come NOW!

When I pushed the baby out I got a really complicated 2nd degree tear that took over an hour to stitch up. I was so giddy after the baby came out that I was telling the doctor she better not give me a 'frankenvag', and that I didn't want it to look like my vag was wearing a Halloween costume. She assured me it was going to look perfect, almost as good as new. So then I turned and told my hubby that my vag was getting refurbished.


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## LilMiss_91

Reading these has me really laugh!! Thankyou everybody for sharing :) (and also for making me realise that I had a REALLY boring labour AND delivery :haha: )


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## MeganS0326

So most of my labor with DS was pretty boring; however, there was one point that was hysterical...

It was time to get my epidural (hallelujah!) and the anesthesiologist came in with her assistant. It was the assistants job to stand in front of me and hold me in a bear hug. He instructed me to sit on the hospital bed with my bum on the far side and then to go into sitting indian style (legs crossed). I'm a pretty big girl naturally and wouldn't be able to properly execute this move even if I hadn't been 9 months pregnant so I informed him that I was not going to get my legs any more crossed than they already were (my feet were still kinda hanging near the edge of the bed.) He kept insisting that I get my legs crossed more and I kept insisting that I could not. This went on for a few times and then he leaned in an in an embarrassed tone said that I was kicking him. That is when I realized I could feel all his bits through his thin scrubs as my feet brushed across them. Needless to say I worked really hard to hike my legs up as far as I could get them after that :haha:


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## mara16jade

LOL :haha:


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## lilmisscaviar

My first child took 2 hours to push out and I suffered quite a few 2nd and 3rd degree tears that required quite a few stitches to patch together. To top it off, peeing was torture and I avoided pooping for about a couple weeks after the birth because when I did, I felt like my butt was going to fall out of me. I suffered from prolapse after that which gradually became worse. So when I fell pregnant with my second while on the pill, I dreaded the day when I would have to deliver that baby. What if he took as long to push out as she did and I had to get a full patch work done on my behind again?

At 37w3d I went to the hospital because I was having very mild contractions and pressure. I went in thinking I had a UTI. My jaws nearly dropped to the floor - if that were even possible - when my midwife checked my cervix during a pap (as routine to make sure it was a UTI and not another vaginal infection) and told me that I was already 7 cm!

"No!" I said, "I can't go into labor TODAY!"

She chuckled. "Yes, you're going to have a baby today. Let's wheel you over to the birth center and have a baby!"

I almost passed out. I kept thinking it couldn't be true. After all, I wasn't in pain from my contractions yet but they apparently were doing something because of how far dilated I was already. I asked my midwife, "I have to get my birth bag (aka suitcase with necessities for my hospital stay) out of the car. Can I just walk over to the birth center?"

"Of course," she told me with a big smile on her face.

I was out of there. I didn't even have my birth bag in the car, or even packed yet. I wasn't prepared for the news. All I kept thinking about was how long my delivery took with my first. I drove to the store where my husband worked. "I'm in labor," I told him. "What the heck are you doing here?!" he nearly shouted at me, "Go to the hospital!"

"I was at the hospital. They're getting a room ready for me but I didn't have my birth bag packed."

"Then go get your bag packed and I'll let work know that I have to leave." (when he arrived at the hospital later he told me that his co-workers said that I should have stayed there and birthed at the store... would have made all the headlines)

On my drive home to get my birth bag, my cell phone started ringing. It was my midwife. I let it go. I packed my birth bag and threw it in the car, then went back to the hospital to meet my DH. When I arrived in the hospital parking lot, I listened to the voicemail that my midwife left. She of course was wondering where I was. "We have the birth center room ready and are running a bath for you." :haha:

As enticing as taking a bath was, it was the last thing on my mind. I was intentionally holding off as long as possible so I wouldn't have to do anything except push once I was in my room. By the time I got up to the room and met my DH in the hallway, my midwife was in a frenzy. "I thought you had the baby and would come wheeled up here with it sitting in your lap!"

"No, I had to run home and get my birth bag," I told her, mustering an angelic smile. I had taken so long, the bathtub was empty because the water turned cold and the real work started. I was jabbed in the arm with an IV, my contractions were measured with that uncomfortable belt and I changed into a gown. My midwife popped my water with my consent and then the contractions were no longer painless. I felt the urge to lay down and bear down. When I began to push, my midwife put her fingers up and painfully pushed away the lips of my cervix so the head could come down into the birth canal.

I relaxed and my midwife told me to wait until she had everything ready. She went out of the room to tell the other hospital nurses that they would need their "table of tools" in my room. I felt the sudden urge to push again and did so, pushing with my body this time instead of fighting it like I did with my first. The nurse sitting on the bed beside me screeched, "Omg! I see a head already!" She sent another nurse out to get my midwife.

Thus I gave my midwife her second heart attack of the day.

"I told you to wait!" she said, running into the room and putting on her gloves. I was fed up by this time. For one thing, I didn't have an epidural and could feel every time I had the urge to push. I yelled back, "I can't wait!" and with another push the baby's head was fully out, his shoulders needed another big push and the rest of his body came out. My midwife barely caught him. I was shocked how easily he came.

Needless to say, I was worried for nothing. Second babies really do come a lot quicker.


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## hanni

I've got a tattoo around the top of my thigh, I never see it so I totally forget about it. 

At some point during my labour a new midwife came in to check my progress, I was naked from the waist down with just a sheet over me. 
She lifted up the sheet and went "wow, that's beautiful!" 
I thoroughly thought she was talking about my vagina and was totally creeped out!


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## stiletto_mom

jessmke said:


> At the time I didn't think anything about my labour was funny, but looking back at it there were some funny moments.
> 
> After labouring hard for over 24 hours I was only at 7 cm, so I asked to have some gas and air as I was having a very difficult time coping. After my first puff of it I burst into tears, same thing happened after the second puff, so my hubby took the gas away from me thinking it was making things worse. My next contraction came and it was horrendous so I was screaming at him from the top of my lungs 'get me the gas! Get me the gas!'. poor guy was scrambling frantically trying to get the gas back to me.
> 
> Several hours after starting the gas and air I was still at 7 cm so the doctor wanted to start pitocin (I was in the hospital for 13 hours at this point and only progressed from 4 cm to 7 cm in that time). At the start of labour I was dead set against an epidural, but at this point I was completely exhausted and didn't think I could cope if the contractions got worse. My hubby and I discussed it and decided I would get an epidural. As soon as the decision was made I wanted the epidural IMMEDIATELY so I wouldn't have to feel more pain, so I started screaming 'I want the anesthesiologist in here NOW!'. The nurse was trying to explain to me that he was in with another patient but would come as soon as he could but I just kept demanding that he come NOW!
> 
> When I pushed the baby out I got a really complicated 2nd degree tear that took over an hour to stitch up. I was so giddy after the baby came out that I was telling the doctor she better not give me a 'frankenvag', and that I didn't want it to look like my vag was wearing a Halloween costume. She assured me it was going to look perfect, almost as good as new. *So then I turned and told my hubby that my vag was getting refurbished*.

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:


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## kdmalk

After my epidural, Hubby and I are waiting quietly in the delivery room for our sweet boy to arrive.

I close my eyes to try and get some rest because we had been there all night after my water broke at 9:30 the night before and it was after 6am. But I'm so excited that I can't relax, so I turn on the tv and hubby and I sit back and watch. I start dozing off and eventually I am awoken by the sound of.... a fart.

I look over at dh and say, "was that what I think it was?!"

..........And at that moment I realize how close the sound had been and that Hubby is across the room in a chair.

My eyes go wide. It had been my own fart and I had been completely unaware. 

Dh and I make eye contact and I say in a panic "omg. I can't control it! I can't feel my butt! Oh my god!!!! I can't feel my own farts!!! What if it happens when I'm pushing?! I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!!" And hubby is just laughing away. And I'm laughing and panicking at the same time because I no longer have control of my own farts. I must leave the rest to fate.

I had three or four more.... incidents... one of which happened to occur just as a nurse was leaving the room and I'm pretty sure she heard it because it wasn't exactly quiet. I could have died in shame. ....others (hubby) thought it was hilarious.

I was spared and it didn't happen during delivery. But I know it's something dh and I will talk about forever.


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## hanni

kdmalk said:


> After my epidural, Hubby and I are waiting quietly in the delivery room for our sweet boy to arrive.
> 
> I close my eyes to try and get some rest because we had been there all night after my water broke at 9:30 the night before and it was after 6am. But I'm so excited that I can't relax, so I turn on the tv and hubby and I sit back and watch. I start dozing off and eventually I am awoken by the sound of.... a fart.
> 
> I look over at dh and say, "was that what I think it was?!"
> 
> ..........And at that moment I realize how close the sound had been and that Hubby is across the room in a chair.
> 
> My eyes go wide. It had been my own fart and I had been completely unaware.
> 
> Dh and I make eye contact and I say in a panic "omg. I can't control it! I can't feel my butt! Oh my god!!!! I can't feel my own farts!!! What if it happens when I'm pushing?! I CAN'T CONTROL IT!!!!!" And hubby is just laughing away. And I'm laughing and panicking at the same time because I no longer have control of my own farts. I must leave the rest to fate.
> 
> I had three or four more.... incidents... one of which happened to occur just as a nurse was leaving the room and I'm pretty sure she heard it because it wasn't exactly quiet. I could have died in shame. ....others (hubby) thought it was hilarious.
> 
> I was spared and it didn't happen during delivery. But I know it's something dh and I will talk about forever.


Hahah you've just reminded me about the uncontrollable epidural farts &#128514; 

One of mine was while I was being checked. &#128528; luckily I was too off my face on gas and air to care much &#128514;


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## lauraairving

I told my doctor who was about to give me an epidural that I couldn't have my baby until he sewed my cosy toes footmuff thing for my pram! I also said I needed to go shopping as we needed table salt. 

My OH abandoned me and went missing for an hour. Turns out he was having a full breakfast. 

The pain relief injection the gave me in my arm slipped out while she was injecting my arm and squirted in my mums face. 

I had a drip in my hand and NEEDED to take of my bra. We got in a right tangle hahaha


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## SoBlessedMama

Oh my gosh lol, these are hysterical!!!!!! I had two c-sections, so no labor stories. But with our second, after I had him, DH was holding him and our then four year old in his lap. During this VERY sweet father-son moment, I am drugged out of my mind on IV pain meds. (I refused the next round because they made me feel so weird!) Anyway, the baby was all swaddled up, and as DH and DS are cooing and talking to him, baby lets a big fart rip. In my drugged state, I found this HYSTERICAL, and made the joke, "Ha! He's wrapped up like a baby burrito, and burritos make you fart!" This seemed like the funniest joke of all time when I said it. Apparently I REALLY liked it...because as I drifted in and out of consciousness, I made the same joke...three more times. Lol our oldest probably thought I was insane...


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## mara16jade

Lol burrito farts. :haha:


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## Just1more2

A doctor came in and felt my belly and all around at about 4-5cm and proclaimed - "You have about a 9 pound baby in there!" I said "f**k you I do!!" *whispers to OH* "that man is a lunatic!" I was convince I was having a 7pound baby.

Our son was born 8lbs10oz. Shows how much I know!:dohh:


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## charlie_lael

Just1more2 said:


> A doctor came in and felt my belly and all around at about 4-5cm and proclaimed - "You have about a 9 pound baby in there!" I said "f**k you I do!!" *whispers to OH* "that man is a lunatic!" I was convince I was having a 7pound baby.
> 
> Our son was born 8lbs10oz. Shows how much I know!:dohh:

I wouldn't want to be told how big the baby I had to push out of my vag was either. :haha:


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## AmandaBanana

When I was being stitched up this is what happened:

The Boston hockey team was playing the night I gave birth. hubby and I root for them. Dh says "babe Boston won the game"
And I go
"This is the best day ever! I gave birth and Boston won!"
The guy stitching me laughed so hard he had to stop what he was doing for a minute.


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## jessmke

I forgot about this moment. A few days before I went into labour an airline was having an enormous seat sale, so hubby and I thought we'd book a trip somewhere. The seat sale ended at 8 pm on Dec 8th. I had two days of false labour so we sort of forgot all about the seat sale. I was in true labour at the hospital on Dec 8, and after 30 hours I was in excruciating pain and was crying hysterically and I suddenly realized the seat sale was ending soon! Between contractions I was sobbing from exhaustion and telling my hubby to get the iPad because we needed to decide where we were going and book a flight. He kept telling me it wasn't the time to be bookig a trip, but I wouldn't let it go. Eventually I forgot about it and we didn't end up booking anything.


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## nickinakinoo

Best thread ever :haha:


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## Dobsd

My birth story:

We had planned to have our little one at a birthing unit. Just me, my partner and the midwife in the room. 
We live in New Zealand but are from the UK. My Mum, Grandma, Sister and her boyfriend (who I had never met) were due to arrive in NZ Nov 30th and baby was due December 5th. 
My family arrived and we spent the 1st December walking around malls and the city centre for roughly 5 hours. I was exhausted! I dropped my family off at the supermarket and I had to pop to a DIY store up the road. As soon as I set off I felt an awful pain like I needed the toilet. QUICKLY! So I dashed home (half way between the supermarket and DIY store), ran to the toilet but the pain had gone. I grabbed my keys to leave again and the pain came back, so I legged it to the loo. The pain, again, disappeared. I got a glass of water, drank it then set off out the door again. The pain came back again and I thought... Oh dear, I think this is it! 
I called my partner who just happened to be at the front door, having left work early. I told him I thought it was starting and he said "probably not, it'll just be BH"... With that, the pain came back and I was on the floor!
He went to collect my family and when they got back he called the midwife. She arrived around 6pm and did in internal examination. By this point, I was already in a LOT of pain and sure baby was on her way soon. 
But the midwife told me I had 12-14 hours before I needed to go to the hospital. I was like "nope, I'm telling you she's coming soon".

Anyway, unbeknownst to me, the midwife had told my partner to give me Paracetamol and Cocodamol. She told him it wouldn't do anything for the pain but would have a placebo effect. In reality, it blew my socks off and there are two hours I still can't remember to this day, where apparently I was asking my mum to remove my hips because I didn't need them and I tried to get in the car and drive myself to the hospital :haha:

I was having extremely painful contractions by this point and they were getting closer together. At 9pm I went to the toilet and my water broke. I heard the splash, looked at my partner and asked him if the baby was in the toilet haha

As soon as my water broke, I needed to push! I hobbled into the living room and told my mum and partner and my partner said "no I doubt you do" but my mum took one look at me, yelled at my partner to call the midwife and she laid me down on my bed, trying to recall how to stop pushing during labour. 

The midwife came over (roughly half an hour later!!) and told me she thought baby had moved her position and I didn't really need to push! She did another IE and said "oh my god don't push, don't push! I can feel the head!"

She told me to breathe through the feeling that I needed to push and that she had to call an ambulance as she had no delivery tools with her. The ambulance arrived and they brought in the bed and she just shook her head and said "we don't have time!".

She was ordering my family about, telling hem what to do... Grandma was holding a mirror at the end of the bed so I could get a good visual idea of when to push, partner was on the bed at the side of me holding my hand, Mum was on my other side mopping my brow, sister's boyfriend (who I had met 24 hours earlier!) was heating towels with the hairdryer by the side of the bed, one paramedic was stood idly at the other side of the room wondering what to do with himself and the other paramedic was tending to my sister who had passed out in the hallway :haha:

All this whilst I was butt-naked on the bed, covered in sick because I'd had a reaction to the one puff of gas and air I had, and the midwife telling me I needed to push harder or she'd have to snip me and my baby was being born into a bunch of plastic supermarket bags we had put down to protect the bed!

Our birth plan definitely was not stuck to!!!


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## Dreambaby69

Hahahahaha what a STORY dobsd x


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## frangi33

I love this thread. Looking forward to hearing more!


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## 2have4kids

Dobsd said:


> My birth story:
> 
> We had planned to have our little one at a birthing unit. Just me, my partner and the midwife in the room.
> We live in New Zealand but are from the UK. My Mum, Grandma, Sister and her boyfriend (who I had never met) were due to arrive in NZ Nov 30th and baby was due December 5th.
> My family arrived and we spent the 1st December walking around malls and the city centre for roughly 5 hours. I was exhausted! I dropped my family off at the supermarket and I had to pop to a DIY store up the road. As soon as I set off I felt an awful pain like I needed the toilet. QUICKLY! So I dashed home (half way between the supermarket and DIY store), ran to the toilet but the pain had gone. I grabbed my keys to leave again and the pain came back, so I legged it to the loo. The pain, again, disappeared. I got a glass of water, drank it then set off out the door again. The pain came back again and I thought... Oh dear, I think this is it!
> I called my partner who just happened to be at the front door, having left work early. I told him I thought it was starting and he said "probably not, it'll just be BH"... With that, the pain came back and I was on the floor!
> He went to collect my family and when they got back he called the midwife. She arrived around 6pm and did in internal examination. By this point, I was already in a LOT of pain and sure baby was on her way soon.
> But the midwife told me I had 12-14 hours before I needed to go to the hospital. I was like "nope, I'm telling you she's coming soon".
> 
> Anyway, unbeknownst to me, the midwife had told my partner to give me Paracetamol and Cocodamol. She told him it wouldn't do anything for the pain but would have a placebo effect. In reality, it blew my socks off and there are two hours I still can't remember to this day, where apparently I was asking my mum to remove my hips because I didn't need them and I tried to get in the car and drive myself to the hospital :haha:
> 
> I was having extremely painful contractions by this point and they were getting closer together. At 9pm I went to the toilet and my water broke. I heard the splash, looked at my partner and asked him if the baby was in the toilet haha
> 
> As soon as my water broke, I needed to push! I hobbled into the living room and told my mum and partner and my partner said "no I doubt you do" but my mum took one look at me, yelled at my partner to call the midwife and she laid me down on my bed, trying to recall how to stop pushing during labour.
> 
> The midwife came over (roughly half an hour later!!) and told me she thought baby had moved her position and I didn't really need to push! She did another IE and said "oh my god don't push, don't push! I can feel the head!"
> 
> She told me to breathe through the feeling that I needed to push and that she had to call an ambulance as she had no delivery tools with her. The ambulance arrived and they brought in the bed and she just shook her head and said "we don't have time!".
> 
> She was ordering my family about, telling hem what to do... Grandma was holding a mirror at the end of the bed so I could get a good visual idea of when to push, partner was on the bed at the side of me holding my hand, Mum was on my other side mopping my brow, sister's boyfriend (who I had met 24 hours earlier!) was heating towels with the hairdryer by the side of the bed, one paramedic was stood idly at the other side of the room wondering what to do with himself and the other paramedic was tending to my sister who had passed out in the hallway :haha:
> 
> All this whilst I was butt-naked on the bed, covered in sick because I'd had a reaction to the one puff of gas and air I had, and the midwife telling me I needed to push harder or she'd have to snip me and my baby was being born into a bunch of plastic supermarket bags we had put down to protect the bed!
> 
> Our birth plan definitely was not stuck to!!!

Gowd, I can't stand it when no on listens to the pregnant lady!! Especially the midwife :grr:


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## laila 44

Hilarious stories!!! I forgot to mention while I was in labor with my first I was in such a long induction. After having epi I couldn't feel my legs from waist down and it was weird. Everytime a dr came in to check progress I'd immediately say "don't touch my legs! They're dead". Lol. Cue the weird looks. Then I started farting uncontrollably and when I realized it was me I was constantly apologizing. It was the most embarrassing moment ever! Not being able to feel or know u are even farting. Drs and nurses tried to just ignore my apologies until I started laughing hysterically. DH thought I lost it. 

Fast forward that night I was in excruciating pain. Back to back contractions and an epi that was no longer working. I was delusional on pain meds and on oxygen when an orderly came into the room to clean up the trash can. DH was asleep in a chair and I couldn't see straight I whispered for him to come closer. When he did I grabbed him by the collar and whispered "help me" . Lol! He looked mortified and began explaining that he was just a janitor and wasn't a dr but said he would call my nurse. I yanked off my oxygen mask and yelled " forget her, where is my cock-sucking dr!!!!" Hubby woke up and was shocked to hear such language coming out of my mouth he thought I was asleep! So by then 10ppl filled the room and I once again started apologizing for my uncontrollable farts!


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## keepinitreal1

Adding my own, at long last.


Before even leaving for the hospital, OH decided to take a shower. Found him in the bath peacfully trimming his toenails when cx were 5 min apart. He apparently didnt believe I was in labour. :dohh:

I was slightly dizzy from g&a and kept telling hubby that on a photo in delivery room, the child in the middle is the cutest. There were only four children...

When instructed to hold my legs below my knees while pushing told midwife that I had my knees since birth and I know what I'm doing. A moment after I announced that if she finds it neccesary, she can hold my knees and kicked her. No shame, she was rather nasty. 

Had a wet towel for my forehead. At 9 cm, told hubby to take it and strangle me with it. :shrug:

I was convinced that babies start crying once the head is out and panicked why he was silent. But when he came out I was so relieved that I completely forgot about the crying. 

Sent hubby to check on the number of fingers 5 times. He jokingly told me he has 6 snd I was so out of it I kept saying that's excellent. :dohh:

That's all I remember right now. It was a good birth.


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## jessmke

Bump for new mothers!


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## DaisyDreamer

Once I got to the birth center I got buck naked
Was sitting on the birthing ball with that absorbent pad they put on everything and I peed all over it.

After stage three I stood up and bled everywhere and the MWs had to hose me down, literally :haha:


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## Lucasmum

Some funny stories here 

Mines a more embarrassing after it was all done and dusted and a few weeks down the line when we were proudly sharing all our new born pics and someone pointed out the huge jug of my wee in the background of all the pics including the one we had framed, I cant empty my bladder properly due to an old kidney issue so the midwives kindly drained it for me it was heaven I never ever noticed they didnt get rid of the jug of wee :blush:


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## Mrsmac02

These are awesome! Definitely cheered me up :thumbup: 

Here's one of mine (I won't bore you with all of them!)...

After a fairly traumatic end to my 23 hour labour with DS during which I'd had an epidural, the midwife was quietly writing up my notes and we were admiring our tiny boy when I heard a huge fart. 

I tutted, looked at my husband in disgust and apologised to the midwife for my husband's manners when he pointed out it was me!! All three of us burst into laughter and the more I laughed, I more I farted! 

It went on for about ten minutes by which time, the head midwife had come in to see what all the noise was all about &#128584;

My midwife's parting words to me as I was being wheeled to the ward were 'in my 22 years in midwifery, I've never had a farter like you' &#128514;


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## Sologirl

Hahahaha oh gosh I've just sat here and read the entire thread!! Soooo funny. I'm a vet (and also the queen of saying inappropriate things even when not on G&A) so am dreading my next labour, getting high as a kite and discussing suture patterns with the midwife or something - LOL :D


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## Aerith07

Bump. :flower:


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## sarah1980

tristansmum said:


> i had a spinal block for my emergency c section. i was shattered after being awake for 36 hours, established labour for 14 hours, pethadine and gas & air. I felt my leg with my hand which was weird cause i couldn't feel my hand on my leg at all... was like touching someone else's leg. i loudly abbounced to the 10+ people in thearte that "my leg feels like a sausage!". It was such a random thing to say and 9 months later my hubby still is laughing about it

Something similar happened to me, after I had my epidural I was a bit miffed about all the wires and lines etc I had around me and and when I put my hand down on the bed I felt something else so snapped at the midwife "for god sake what is this thing for" and she said "errrr, that's your leg" hahaha!


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## annio84

I love this! I don't think anything funny happened during my labour but afterwards I needed stitches. They gave me the gas and air to use while the anaesthetic was put in. Some time later, I have no idea how long, the midwife looked up at me and was like, 'are you ok'. I had continued to use the gas and air, completely forgotten about her and in my surprise just burst out laughing at her. I carried on with the gas and air though. Love that stuff.


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## Sarahcake

These stories are just the best. This thread deserves to be bumped to the top of the feed &#128514;


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## WackyMumof2

My first I had HORRIBLE back labour that not even 3 epidurals (last one was a double dose) touched the sides of and I was telling the midwife I couldn't wait to do it again with our next baby - I was dead serious. She thought I was mad and I hadn't even delivered my first one at the point I'd made that comment! Needless to say, I ended up with an emergency section. I'd been awake 72 hours by this point and hadn't had a shower. They had to give me a spinal because the epidural hadn't worked. I remember them doing the ice but don't remember them getting past my hip. Apparently I fell asleep and they figured it was a good a time as any to open me up. If it didn't work they were soon going to know it. Anyhow, they woke me up just as they pulled him out and I yelled at the midwife 'if that kid is a f**ken redhead you can shove him back'. Given my English ancestry and the fact hubby is part Scottish, it was a real possibility. Fortunately for my son, he did NOT inherit my red hair.

Second labour was painful but I gave up at the 4 hour mark (I had a 4.5 hour labour in the end), rung my midwife and headed into hospital. We got there and she came back with a gown and my waters had broken all over the floor. She checked me out and told me I was too far gone to which I told her 'I don't give a f**k I want my drugs'. Never got them and in the end, didn't need them. FIL took me over that day and he's usually a laugh a minute so he decided to 'lighten the mood' mid contraction and told me if I jump up and down it would 'feel better'. He got a filthy look and told to f**k off from me and came back half an hour later with black jellybeans and yoghurt raisins and all was forgiven.

I also remember him going into Pak n Save looking for the bags of just black jellybeans and they were out of stock so he tipped out the bulk bins and picked them out one by one until he filled a bag. He got a LOT of strange looks and he told people that 'my daughter has just delivered my grandson and she only likes the black ones'. Boy did that sound racist and he realized that AFTER he said it! My FIL is part Maori but he's so damn white you wouldn't know to look at him!

DS3 I took my best mate to my appointment because hubby wasn't too fazed by this point. Got called in, met my midwife and introduced myself and my friend. But the friend I said 'this is my wife. The sperm donor is at home'. She was gobsmacked and couldn't say much other than 'that's okay we have all kinds of families'. Best mate decided to clear up the misunderstanding much to my annoyance. The midwife's reaction up until that point was priceless! 

See, my biggest problem is that I suffer from a shocking case of 'Foot and Mouth Disease'. I have no filter. If I have something to say, I say it. Most of the time it's worth the reaction but it can (and it does) get me into a lot of trouble at times too. Fortunately for me, none of these situations got me any more than laughs.


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## Bevziibubble

Love reading these! :laugh2:


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## WackyMumof2

Bevziibubble said:


> Love reading these! :laugh2:

I'm looking forward to my 4th labour and the random shit I come out with! :rofl:


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## Sarahcake

I just remembered one from my son's labour.

I kept telling the aneathatist who was putting in my (failed) epidural to "shut the fuck up, I'm trying to hear what that clock has to say to me" 

I was huffing entenox like there was no tommorrow and all I was interested in hearing was the clock on the wall ticking and not the anesthetist trying to tell me to stay still &#128514;

Section this time around, probably for the best as I get a little mouthy when I'm in pain &#128514;


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## MollyMoon

brunette&bubs said:


> i'm not sure if this is very funny but....
> my husband ordered in jimmy johns for dinner and sat on the couch eating VERY loudly while i was waiting for my epidural.
> i glared at him and told him i hoped he choked and died on that sandwich.
> the nurse then asked him to finish eating outside for my sake
> :haha:


Delayed reply but I just died laffing:thumbup: thanks!


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## julesmw

This is absolutely my favorite thread on this forum! :laugh2:


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## twinkle93

With my daughter, I went from 5-10cm in half hour. I didn’t realise at the time (wasn’t expecting things to go so quick) but I now know I was transitioning as I all of a sudden hopped off the bed, couldn’t bare to lay down. As I was stood, swaying, I suddenly froze and some waters came out (they’d broken the week before) my very nice mw looked at me and asked “are you pushing?” It was pretty obvious but my response came as “no not me it must be someone else” I honestly felt like a guilty schoolgirl and didn’t accept that I indeed was pushing. Baby was born 15 minutes later


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## emzeebob

Ok so first labour I got really high of the gas and air. Wasn't coping very well with the pain and kept asking random ppl to take me home including an it guy who came to fix a monitor. Also told me.husband to pay the doctor to take the baby out right now I knew he had cash on hi

2nd boy decided to come a little early, I was 36 weeks and husband was lying on the bed with me helping me prepare for Labour down there. He was making my laugh cos It was weird and my waters went all over his face pmsl. He didn't come till 4 days later think he changed his mind to come out


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## schneiderkm1

Thiiissss one was funny at the end !!



NIfirsttimer said:


> i had a natural birth in the birthing centre attached to my local maternity unit, it was all very calm and serene in the early stages, i floated around the pool, progressing slowly but nicely, when suddenly all hell broke loose. Id just been checked about 25 mins before and was 4/5 cm, so we were expecting things to be a while yet... Suddenly i REALLY needed to push, midwife was telling me that it was way too early to be baby, and that perhaps i needed to use the toilet... i was sure it wasnt that, but agreed to try anyway, so got out of the pool and onto the loo. while there, transition hit, and i suddenly got SOOO hot, the student midwife ran off to fetch some ice cubes for DH to rub on my forehead etc, but when she arrived with them i grabbed a handful and shoved them into my mouth, suddenly, a HUGE contraction hit me, and i needed the G&A but had a mouthful of ice, so i spat the ice all over the floor :-o
> there i was, sat on the toilet, naked, dripping wet, mooing like a cow, and spitting on the floor.. oh the shame!
> turns out i went from 4/5cm to 10cm in less than a hour, and my daughter was born very soon after this!
> 
> there was also a little moment when i was pushing when i really wanted to inflict some pain on my DH, so i grabbed 'his' arm and dug my nails in as hard as a could, only to feel the arm whipped away, i opened my eyes to find that id actually injured the student midwife, and left 4 huge cuts in her arm from my nails!!
> 
> lol also just remembered that at one point the midwife made me get out of the pool to check progress, and i really didnt want to... later on, in the midst of the transition drama i said 'IM SOOOOOOOOOO SORRRY I CALLED U A BITTTTTTTTTTCCCCHHHHH' and she said 'noo u didnt, its ok' and i told her that i did, she was just out of the room at the time lol


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## schneiderkm1

Hahahah



twinkle93 said:


> With my daughter, I went from 5-10cm in half hour. I didn’t realise at the time (wasn’t expecting things to go so quick) but I now know I was transitioning as I all of a sudden hopped off the bed, couldn’t bare to lay down. As I was stood, swaying, I suddenly froze and some waters came out (they’d broken the week before) my very nice mw looked at me and asked “are you pushing?” It was pretty obvious but my response came as “no not me it must be someone else” I honestly felt like a guilty schoolgirl and didn’t accept that I indeed was pushing. Baby was born 15 minutes later


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## HLx

I need to add to this with my second baby!

I got induced around 10pm and I was 4cms not long after this, my contractions were coming very very quickly and I was supposed to get an epidural, so I was all gowned up ready and had a few of the tubes in my hand and also had one in the side of my wrist, I cant remever what half of these were for right now in the moment you dont ask! I needed my waters broken as I was contracting every few seconds but wouldn't progress from 4cms, once waters broken I shot to a 10, and the anaethatist was sent away as the literally walked through the door. At that moment the shock and the pain and the pressure of jumping from a 4 to a 10 hit me like a tonne of bricks and I grabbed the poor midwife round the neck and wouldn't let her go, she did eventually peel me off her, only to find that one of the tubes I had (the one in the wrist) had ripped out of my arm and was stuck in her hair :rofl: and there was blood literally squirting out of my arm and it covered everyone it was like something out of a horror movie!

My little man was born a few seconds later, only be to holding the pessary used for induction tightly in his hand, which we had lost this earlier on :rofl:

Hoping for a bit less comedy sketch birth this time hahaha


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## Bevziibubble

lmao! :haha:


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## sarah34

During my second labour, just as baby was moving down I had horrific sciatica pain and was leaping off the bed and pulling monitors off my belly, a rather large midwife was pinning me to the bed luckily it only lasted a few minutes and he was born 5 mins later but it was a funny story afterwards! X


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