# Giving my baby up for adoption



## Rhea

I'm 18 years old, 9 weeks pregnant and single. The father wants nothing to do with the baby and I'm so afraid that if I keep the baby that I won't be able to to cope.

I have thought long and hard about terminating my pregnancy and I know that I can't do that due to moral objections. So I have started to consider adoption. I want the baby to have a good life and I know at the moment I can't provide this. When I have a child I want it to be raised in a family as I never had this. 

I'm from UK, London and I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me and the steps I can take for setting up an adoption?

Thanks in advance xx


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## jogami

Didn't want to read and run hun! 
Fistly, :hug:
I know the decision you have made was not taken lightly... I don't know what to say just wanted to tell you that you still have time. You might feel differently when bubz is here. If you still feel that you can't provide for him/ her than I say you are doing the most difficult thing ever by putting his/ her needs before yours...
I just wanted to add that even though you feel that you can't provide for LO sometimes all they need is their Mommy's love. 
I don't want to depress you it's just a thought.
If you want advice or help perhaps you should visit the Teen Pregnancy forum. There are loads of young girls there who would be willing to offer advice; without being judgemental. Never think you're alone on B&B xXx


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## moomin_troll

sorry i dont no much about adoption but i suppose you could call ur local social services and they might have more infor for u or send u in the right direction.

it takes alot to make a decision like this n uve obviously thought long and hard about what is best for ur baby, but dont think this cant be u! alot of women are young single mothers and do a great job.

i wish u all the luck in the world with what ever u decide :)


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## CareBear

If you wish to be advised on how to go about an adoption and have some further information to aid your decision, contact your local social services and they will be able to put you in contact with the local authority adoption agency who will be able to advise you and offer you counselling. Good luck with your decision


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## mummy3

:hugs:
You are best asking social services. I think you are taking a very mature approach to this. You are obviously putting your baby first:hugs: 

It is possible to do it alone and make something of yourself though, have you anyone you can talk everything through with? Maybe your gp can refer you for counseling. :flower:


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## tinybutterfly

you've already gotten great advice here so far

i'm just saying, there is also the in between option, foster care.
you might not be able to take care of your baby now, but you might be in just a few years time.


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## Laura2919

You have a bit of time to think about this. 
It must be a decision which is hard to make, and cannot be taken lightly either. There are so many people out there who want children and cant have them and if you understand that your baby would be better off in a family than with you on your own then I think your going to make someone else very happy but you also need to be happy. 
Try calling social services and getting some advice from them. I dont know much about it but wanted to offer :hugs: Your strong, You are thinking about doing one of the hardest things someone could most probably do.. Makes you strong in my book :hugs: again for you xx


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## honey08

:hugs:


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## IzireBaby

Hey, just thought Ide say congrats!Not sure if that's quiet what you want to hear but the bundle of joy you hold is a blessing!;o) I fell pregnant with my first child when I was 16, I too had moral from a religious backround I grew up in and abortion wasn't an option,it seems just like yesturday I thought I would never have kids,especially at my age and I understand the feeling of thinking ya wouldn't cope cause your not ready.I had a beautiful healthy baby boy and words can't express the joy and role you amazingly suprise yourself yor capable of ;o) Motherhood is something unexpected but comes very naturally.I was also adopted at birth, I was my birthmothers 2nd child and apparently was a "mistake" she gave me to her Aunty and uncle "my parents" giving me 5 older sisters and an older brother ;o) I didn't have any contact with my birthmother till recently,and the pain she sheered to me on reasons she didn't want me were over whelming,I don't like what happened but I told her I was forever greatful she gave me to a loving family,even though I found it hard to accept as I learned of my adoption whilst I grew up,I couldn't imagine life without the family I have now.I hope you do what Is right for you,live for today,not tomorow.Bless ya!xo


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## Blah11

:hugs: Good luck with whatever you choose. Just remember that you can always change your mind even if you have the wheels in motion in regards to adoption. Even when youve handed the baby over you have a cooling off period. If its what you want then go for it but if its the decision of someone else (parents, friends, FOB) don't do it cos you'll regret it forever.


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## fairydreams

first of all I just wanted to send you a great big hug :hugs:, I agree with the other ladies you are not alone hunni and there is so much help out there whatever you decide to do. I think ringing Social Services is the best course of action too although I am pretty sure if you spoke to your GP they would have access to the relevant helplines and support networks.

fairydreams :flower:


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## hayley x

:hugs: xxx


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## Katumz

Hi! I'm Katy and I'm choosing adoption as well. If you think its the right thing then do it, and to tell you the truth me and my boyfriend have started looking at possible parents and it has brought me so much joy knowing how happy my baby is going to be :)

So go with your heart and good luck!


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## hopeandpray

:hugs: choosing the baby's hapiness over yours is so brave. have you looked into open adoption? that would give you a chance to still see your baby grow


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## Wobbles

The people approaching this girl trying to make private arrangements is actually turning my stomach. She came here for advice not for strangers to 'offer' adopting her child, it's unsafe and in the interest of the child this should be followed through with professional experts/teams not randomly picked up from the internet if this is her final decision.

Those interested in adopting also should use the proper procedure, if your willy nilly trying to pick a child up off the internet like your shopping for a new bag I think you should seriously reconsider, its so unethical.

Rhea, I would advise your first step being social services who will advise you properly referring you if necessary where you will be well advised of the procedure and making sure you are well looked after (insuring this is definitely what you want) whist preparing a SAFE family for baby.


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## Ozzieshunni

Wobbles said:


> The people approaching this girl trying to make private arrangements is actually turning my stomach. She came here for advice not for strangers to 'offer' adopting her child, it's unsafe and in the interest of the child this should be followed through with professional experts/teams not randomly picked up from the internet if this is her final decision.
> 
> Those interested in adopting also should use the proper procedure, if your willy nilly trying to pick a child up off the internet like your shopping for a new bag I think you should seriously reconsider, its so unethical.
> 
> Rhea, I would advise your first step being social services who will advise you properly referring you if necessary where you will be well advised of the procedure and making sure you are well looked after (insuring this is definitely what you want) whist preparing a SAFE family for baby.

I fully agree. Made me sick to see that person ask to adopt her baby. Just sick.


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## CareBear

Ozzieshunni said:


> Wobbles said:
> 
> 
> The people approaching this girl trying to make private arrangements is actually turning my stomach. She came here for advice not for strangers to 'offer' adopting her child, it's unsafe and in the interest of the child this should be followed through with professional experts/teams not randomly picked up from the internet if this is her final decision.
> 
> Those interested in adopting also should use the proper procedure, if your willy nilly trying to pick a child up off the internet like your shopping for a new bag I think you should seriously reconsider, its so unethical.
> 
> Rhea, I would advise your first step being social services who will advise you properly referring you if necessary where you will be well advised of the procedure and making sure you are well looked after (insuring this is definitely what you want) whist preparing a SAFE family for baby.
> 
> I fully agree. Made me sick to see that person ask to adopt her baby. Just sick.Click to expand...

I agree but I think adoption in the US is different to the UK. In the UK birth parents do not choose adoptive parents but are able to put forward their wishes as to what sort of family they would like their child to go to and they are given the opportunity to meet the adoptive parents as well if the match between the child and adoptive parents goes ahead.


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## Wobbles

The lady is from the UK.

Plus this is BabyandBump not a country iykwim so that is where my concerns lie. It worries me how things like this can be handled.

x


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## embojet

Wobbles said:


> The people approaching this girl trying to make private arrangements is actually turning my stomach. She came here for advice not for strangers to 'offer' adopting her child, it's unsafe and in the interest of the child this should be followed through with professional experts/teams not randomly picked up from the internet if this is her final decision.
> 
> Those interested in adopting also should use the proper procedure, if your willy nilly trying to pick a child up off the internet like your shopping for a new bag I think you should seriously reconsider, its so unethical.
> 
> Rhea, I would advise your first step being social services who will advise you properly referring you if necessary where you will be well advised of the procedure and making sure you are well looked after (insuring this is definitely what you want) whist preparing a SAFE family for baby.

I completely agree! Made me feel sick, it's not like shopping for a bag.


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## quaizer

Just wanted to offer :hugs: and wish you lots of luck and love xx


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## moomin_troll

i was abit shocked seeing a post wanting to adopt her baby but i was hoping i misread so i didnt comment.

hope the op has looked into adoption abit more thru SS and has got some good advice


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## divershona

Rhea said:


> I'm 18 years old, 9 weeks pregnant and single. The father wants nothing to do with the baby and I'm so afraid that if I keep the baby that I won't be able to to cope.
> 
> I have thought long and hard about terminating my pregnancy and I know that I can't do that due to moral objections. So I have started to consider adoption. I want the baby to have a good life and I know at the moment I can't provide this. When I have a child I want it to be raised in a family as I never had this.
> 
> I'm from UK, London and I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me and the steps I can take for setting up an adoption?
> 
> Thanks in advance xx

I am also 18 and single. FOB didn't want anything to do with the baby at first either and when i told him i was going to continue with the pregnancy and i'd cope with or without him he has changed a little bit in his attitude towards the pregnancy and the idea of the baby coming along although he still doesn't really want to be involved too much. I know it seems really daunting and like you won't cope when LO is here, believe me i've been there, but the support that i have had throughout my pregnancy from my family and friends, and from everyone on here has been brilliant :) Have you told your family that you are pregnant yet? I will be going back to college full time as soon as bubs is 6 weeks old and old enough to go into the nursery there and i know its going to be hard and i'd rather not leave bubs for that time every day but i know that at the end of my course i will be in a better position to be able to provide for bubs than what i am in now. There is alot of support out there for young mums, and although it is scary to think that you're going to be resposible for someone else's life its not as bad as it seems, alot of other girls do it too :) By all means come and say hi to everyone on the Teen pregnancy section, we don't bite!!! and no matter what you decide to do when your LO arrives we are all there to support each other :)

just want to say that i'm not trying to change your mind on putting your baby up for adoption at all, i'm simply saying that although it will be tough it is not impossible to have a baby as young as we are. 

As for setting up adoption it might be easiest to speak to your midwife about it as she will know who it is that you will need to get in contact with as well as the counselling that is available too.


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## DragonMummy

Hi there - I wanted to drop in to wish you all the best in your difficult decision. One thing I wanted to also say is regarding advice that another poster has given, that you can always change your mind. As much as that is true, in your position I would disregard that as much as you can - the new parents will probably have been trying for their own baby for a great deal of time and without wanting to pressure you, you hold something that coukld mean their dreams come true and changing your mind would absolutly break their hearts.

I'm not saying you would do that by any stretch - you seem very grounded and realistic. Just be 100% sure of the decision you make because changing your mind could devastate another family.

All the best to you lovely xxx


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## fairy_gem

I just want to say you are very brave. I also want to say that make sure that you are 100% sure and that it is your decision.

Take care my lovely x


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## Mrs.Mc1985

I do not know much about adoption but I do know this must be the most difficult time in your life.

No idea if you have social workers in the Uk I am from the US and those would be the steps taken to contact a social worker.


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## AJH

I am in the exact same postion as you at 18 too, however i have considered termination but didn't go through with my appointment as i needed more time to think. I personally think if you are a strong minded person and know for a 100% that you want to give the baby up for adoption then it is a good thing that you are doing, however if there are doubts in your mind then giving that baby up for adoption will play on your mind for the rest of your life. I don't think i'm going to be able to fully provide for this child but i know if im careful with my money and show it all the love i can then we are going to be fine. Luckily for me, unlike some girls, i have the full support of my mum and dad and know that if i need anything they will be able to help me as much as they can but i do not want to rely on them what so ever. I know this doesn't help as you wanted to know about how to go about sorting out an adoption but i just wanted to give you my opinion as even though i don't know you personally, i wouldn't want you to do something you would regrett for the rest of you life. Good luck with your decision though hun xx


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## babybumpage

As I'm guessing not all of you are familiar, in the US it is actually more common to have people connect through the internet for the purposes of adoption. The adoption does not take place over the internet of course, but it allows for the birth mom to acquire all the information of the possible parents, and then if she decides to pick those parents she takes that information to an "adoption lawyer" and they do everything the services in Europe do. In the states, companies set up "adoptions" but charge 30k-40k just in "fees". It has turned into such a business for these companies to take money from parents, and THAT is really disgusting. Adoption lawyers tend to be much much much more professional, and much more thorough. They aren't quick, they can take up to 6 months to go through every piece of information on the parents. I'm not saying going online is the way to go or that the person doing so is right, but things are done so much different here. The connection between a birth mother and the adoptive parents can happen anywhere- a gas station, a church, online, a hospital, or yes, a very expensive service. Please keep in mind, these "services" in the states are not thorough like you would think. They process every adoption they can get, and most of them are way too overloaded for the number they have. This is another reason I call it a business. Now I know she didn't ask for parents to make themselves available, as is usually the norm, but she did say she didn't know what to do. I can't blame a person for following the norm and offering herself as an option. No one said the birth mother had to take her up on it, no one said she had to even respond. She came onto a world-wide forum, and asked for options. She was given several. Please remember, world wide doesn't make everyones answer acceptable, but I do expect a much more tolerant and understanding admin of world-wide customs, norms and ideas.


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## babybumpage

To the mom, I would also like to add, please find a counselor in your area. Set up several meetings with them. Work through your ideas with a trained professional. A support forum can be here for you, but the step you need to go through right now is to make a decision based on what is best for you and your child. No one on a forum is going to be able to help you make that decision because we can't possibly know you or your situation well enough to give you any type of informed position or opinion. You need someone who is trained to know how to decipher your situation and to help you work through each and every step. You also need someone who will be there after you make your decision, not just during your process. So please take a day, search out the best professional you can find, and make an appointment with them.


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## kanga

babybumpage said:


> As I'm guessing not all of you are familiar, in the US it is actually more common to have people connect through the internet for the purposes of adoption. The adoption does not take place over the internet of course, but it allows for the birth mom to acquire all the information of the possible parents, and then if she decides to pick those parents she takes that information to an "adoption lawyer" and they do everything the services in Europe do. In the states, companies set up "adoptions" but charge 30k-40k just in "fees". It has turned into such a business for these companies to take money from parents, and THAT is really disgusting. Adoption lawyers tend to be much much much more professional, and much more thorough. They aren't quick, they can take up to 6 months to go through every piece of information on the parents. I'm not saying going online is the way to go or that the person doing so is right, but things are done so much different here. The connection between a birth mother and the adoptive parents can happen anywhere- a gas station, a church, online, a hospital, or yes, a very expensive service. Please keep in mind, these "services" in the states are not thorough like you would think. They process every adoption they can get, and most of them are way too overloaded for the number they have. This is another reason I call it a business. Now I know she didn't ask for parents to make themselves available, as is usually the norm, but she did say she didn't know what to do. I can't blame a person for following the norm and offering herself as an option. No one said the birth mother had to take her up on it, no one said she had to even respond. She came onto a world-wide forum, and asked for options. She was given several. Please remember, world wide doesn't make everyones answer acceptable, but I do expect a much more tolerant and understanding admin of world-wide customs, norms and ideas.

the initial poster is UK so none of the above is actually relevant ;) interesting to know though!


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## babybumpage

The comments weren't really in regards to the original poster, but rather to others who might be looking to adopt the child. I was trying to inform others that the ways of going about adopting are very very unique to your location. It seemed their was an uproar over the way in which people may have approached the young lady, and the point of my post was to give information regarding the ways of going about adoption in a different area.


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## kanga

cool, maybe start a new thread called something like, US adoption process, as its very factual and will be easier to find that hidden in here :)


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## moxie08

As far as I can tell from months of research, it is perfectly legal to have a completely open adoption process in the UK (where the birth parents know/meet the adoptive parents). In fact, you are much more likely to have it in the UK than in the US. 

I personally don't see anything wrong with adoptive parents advertising themselves. In fact, I've read several recommendations from social workers and advisors and current adoptive parents that suggest it is healthy to promote yourself to local authorities, agencies, and throughout your network of family and friends. The actual legal process of adoption is highly regulated and will need to be followed regardless of how the birth parents are matched with the adoptive parents. As a public servant, I have confidence in that system, and I hope the rest of you do as well.

Obviously I haven't read the posts in question that people are upset/shocked by, but I do want to make it very clear that there is nothing legally or morally wrong with promoting yourself sensitively as an adoptive parent AKA distributing information about yourself and making it known that you are seeking to be matched. If forum administrators feel this is inappropriate, they should make the rules very clear on what is and isn't allowed. Creating different forums for parents considering giving up their child and parents seeking a child might be a good start.


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## beckynbump25

i no how hard it is being a single mom i was 17 when i had my daughter the early morning feed, dirty nappies scrapping money together so you can survive or just to buy a paket of nappies my daughters 2 in november and i wouldnt change her for the world i have found an amazing partner who supports us by working and many other ways we have been together a year he treats chloe like his own and im now expecting my second baby.
it is hard and its a life changing desion to raise a child specially on your own but you cope when you have to beacause as a mom its your job too just make sure its the right desion beacause it might be one you regret a couple of years down tht line good luck x


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## trainingdoc

Just wanted to add my support and hugs in here. It's difficult to make any decision with this, all of them seem scary and like there's so many bad sides to them. I think making sure you speak to all the people possibly involved is really important. 

I don't know your exact circumstances, but it sounds like there isn't much in the way of family support there. Sometimes it can seem terrifying to tell people, and this can alter what should really be a long term decision. Also, your local social services will be able to tell you exactly what benefits you can get if you keep your baby, so you can work out if you'll be able to get by, or if you really will find it impossible to keep going. 

I hope whatever way you decide, it's the right choice for you, and wish you well with it!

xxx


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## Deethehippy

Hi
I have never been in your situation so i cannot begin to imagine how difficult it is to come to an adoption decision.
Do not think though that the baby would be missing out by being brought up by just his/her mother, a baby only needs love in whatever form that takes (could be a same sex couple or a single man)
It is never easy to bring up a baby whatever your age, but obviously only you know what is right for you.
Good luck and hope you get all the advise you need.
Dee :)


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## CourtneyD

Half of all domestic adoptions in the USA are connected through advertising and personal friendships. The relationship and trust required to make and open adoption work benefits by the first family and adoptive family having time to build that relationship. Connecting early and private allows that more easily. Of course, most states in the US require counseling and a professional third party to help ensure everything is done legally.

Best of luck to you!



babybumpage said:


> As I'm guessing not all of you are familiar, in the US it is actually more common to have people connect through the internet for the purposes of adoption. The adoption does not take place over the internet of course, but it allows for the birth mom to acquire all the information of the possible parents, and then if she decides to pick those parents she takes that information to an "adoption lawyer" and they do everything the services in Europe do. In the states, companies set up "adoptions" but charge 30k-40k just in "fees". It has turned into such a business for these companies to take money from parents, and THAT is really disgusting. Adoption lawyers tend to be much much much more professional, and much more thorough. They aren't quick, they can take up to 6 months to go through every piece of information on the parents. I'm not saying going online is the way to go or that the person doing so is right, but things are done so much different here. The connection between a birth mother and the adoptive parents can happen anywhere- a gas station, a church, online, a hospital, or yes, a very expensive service. Please keep in mind, these "services" in the states are not thorough like you would think. They process every adoption they can get, and most of them are way too overloaded for the number they have. This is another reason I call it a business. Now I know she didn't ask for parents to make themselves available, as is usually the norm, but she did say she didn't know what to do. I can't blame a person for following the norm and offering herself as an option. No one said the birth mother had to take her up on it, no one said she had to even respond. She came onto a world-wide forum, and asked for options. She was given several. Please remember, world wide doesn't make everyones answer acceptable, but I do expect a much more tolerant and understanding admin of world-wide customs, norms and ideas.


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