# Looking for advice or anyone in a similar situation?



## Feff

Hi all, sorry if this is in the wrong section but thought I would get more help here. 

My daughters dad only started seeing her when she was 17 months old. All communication was done through his mother when I was pregnant as he was 'too scared'. They wanted me to have a DNA test and I didn't because he was such an idiot (I know I should've had one done to put minds at rest but he was honestly such a dick, he drank A LOT and smoked weed so I didn't see why I should, I do regret it now). I got in contact with him when she was 17 months asking him if he ever wanted to be involved. That's the only reason he sees her, if I didn't ask he wouldn't give a shit still. 

That's just the back story, now he's been seeing her for 4 months and I'm so fed up of his attitude and behaviour! He's so irresponsible and doesn't care at all but it's all petty things so I need someone to tell me am I making a big deal out of it all?!

The second time I was due to take her down he text me saying 'btw I'm a tad hungover' :dohh: we had words when I went down and he said he didn't even want to drink and that his friends made him. I told him I didn't want him hungover when he saw her and he agreed. Then from then it's been small things that keep adding up. He text me once saying 'I know you don't like me seeing her when I'm hungover so shall I see her a different day because I'm off out tonight'. He doesn't ask how she is for days. On Boxing Day he spent most of the day on his phone 'organising plans for the night' (his words). He barely spoke/speaks to her, he doesn't really play with her he just jumps out on her scaring her which she doesn't like and I've told him that. When I go to pick her up she runs to me and doesn't want me to put her down, on the rare occasions she let's me if she sees him she comes running straight back. He had time off college so I thought he would ask to see her but he was 'too busy' when he doesn't really do anything. He used to put peppa pig on TV and sit her in front of it for the whole hour he had her and not speak to her, I asked him time and time again not to but he still puts cartoons on now. He fills her up on junk food to the point where she's sick when I take her home even though I've asked not to. A few weeks ago he had cartoons on again, fed her rubbish and took her out (not far from his house but it was freezing) without a coat on. I told him that was his last chance because I was sick of him ignoring everything i asked and not making an effort with her, I use my petrol to take her down his house, I haven't long stopped putting her food and drink in her bag because he never offered her anything, I have to take nappies down as they don't have any there, he doesn't pay a penny towards her. He did buy a car seat so he could get her. He came up, the car stunk of stale smoke and the baby wouldn't get in the car :( she was screaming and clinging to me for dear life, they're basically strangers to her. After that I felt bad so I thought we could do something nice as a family and asked him if he wanted to take the baby to the cinema with me to watch peppa pig. He said yes, was late getting ready because he was out the night before so we nearly missed it anyway and he didn't speak to her the WHOLE way there :( I let it all go and thought it's my fault I left it too short notice. That was when he had half term off college, as I dropped him off I said 'i can't bring her down Thursday because I've got work' and he said 'oh that's alright I'm off all week you can bring her down any day'. I didn't hear off him until Saturday (not even a text asking how she was) night when he asked if I was taking her down the next day so I said I thought he was seeing her in the week and he said 'oh I must've forgot' :dohh: really?! Forgot to see his child?! That was the straw that broke the camels back. 

I told him if he wanted to see her from now he can go through a contact centre. Am I being too harsh? I don't want my daughter to miss out on a relationship with her father but he's so useless she isn't missing out on anything, she doesn't ask for him at all, she's not bothered if she sees him. Would a contact centre be best? Would they even accept the situation or is just for kids in danger of abuse? Would a court order or something like that be better?

I'm so sick of being walked over and being disrespected. I've brought her up on my own without him once asking how she was or asking how I was and now he's doing what he wants still :( if it was up to me she would not be seeing him now because he's such a waste of space! 

Sorry for the HUGE rant but I really needed that off my chest, advice please anybody? X


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## Feff

And now I've written all this I feel like such a drama queen lol.. But it really is so stressful and upsetting! Just hard to get it across through typing :haha:


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## MikaylasMummy

No way are u being harsh.it is far better off for your daughter to have nothing to do with her dad then half a half assed effort from him.it will be far more upsetting for her growing up seeing he doesn't really care.leave it up to him to see her.you have tried to foster a relationship and he is not meeting you half way and if u continue this way he will never make the effort himself.it will be a good test to stop contacting him and doing all the work and see if he steps up and still wants to be there.if he does then it will force him to step up and if he doesn't well its better off stopping now for your daughters sake


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## Scout

Completely agree with previous poster.


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## Feff

Thanks ladies, you've helped me feel less like a bitch lol! He has text me saying how is she but I know for a fact the next text will be 'are you bringing her down' which I think no, why should I?! He knows where I live so if he wants to see her he can come here. I think I've given him too many chances if anything x


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## baileybubs

I could have written this description for my kids dad too and no you arent being too harsh, I'm also at my wits end and about to tell him where to get off. I make him come to my house just so I know they are in a safe environment and I then have to get out of my own house! He just sits them in front of the tv and also feeds them rubbish, never asks how they are and is just a complete waste of space. If he ever has them its at his parents house and I have to drive them there (20 miles away) and he offers petrol money but never gives me it. 
He doesnt even seem to change their nappies, he swears he does but I know my kids and theres no way the'd end up that wet from just an hour or so in nappy. He also thinks its ok to just swap days, be hungover or just not turn up.
Everyone has told me that I should just stop driving them to him and stop letting him have them in my house and see if he can even be bothered but I feel like I am stopping my kids seeing their dad, surely its better than having him making half arsed efforts though.
I know how you feel with it all hun and I feel really torn about what to do for the best.....stop helping him make these half arsed efforts at seeing them where he does nothing with them, or just see what he does if i stop being facilitator.


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## Feff

Sorry you're going through this too baileybubs :( it's such hard work isn't it? I do think now that I've reached my breaking point and enough is enough. I'm ignoring his texts asking if I'm taking her down because he knows where I live, if he wants to see her he can come here. Can you do something similar? 

They don't seem to understand that being a parent is 50/50. A child is made up of it's mother AND father :dohh: god forbid he had full custody I would be texting and phoning all the time seeing how she was and wanting to do fun things with her! 

I hope he steps up soon or (more likely) you can find the confidence to tell him to F off lol x


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## tallybee

:hugs: I will never understand what is wrong with these guys, they have it so easy but manage to complain that they're the one who has it tough - when we are the ones doing ALL the work. Well they're missing out big time and will live to regret it one day - these beautiful children are only little for a blink of an eye.

I don't think you're being harsh, not at all. It sounds as if he is used to everything being handed to him on a plate and has no clue.

I believe contact centres are seen as a last resort and you'd need referred after mediation/official legal agreement etc. I would try seeing a solicitor to get a set arrangement put in place whereby days/times/places for contact are mutually agreed, put in writing and signed and witnessed. This way he can't just frig around changnig the days to suit his own convenience without a thought to the disruption to the kids routine and inconvenience to yourself. It's not a lot to ask someone to have set days/times to see their child and stick to them (though they seem to think it is a lot of the time :wacko:

I would also keep a journal, write in everything relevant to the contact - missed visits, everything. It might help keep your thoughts in order over the coming years when weighing up what to do if he's still being a pain in the future. For me it helped me to have confidence in my decision not to restart contact with a fob who never gave a shit and showed it.

Good luck. xx


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## Jellybean1103

I'd do the same thing. I'm currently pregnant with my first and the father is acting that same way. One day he's going to have me pushed down stairs or punched in the stomach and the next he wants to be involved. Yet he shows no interest in dr appointments or seeing me. I might just do the same thing to be honest, that is if I even let him come around. Ally ex cares about is himself, pot and cigarettes.


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## Cariad_x

Ah babe, you're not over rating AT all. I'm going through similar with my ex in that he cancels on Olls constantly, rarely asks how he is, doesn't pay maintenance and in general is a bit of a dick. 

It makes me so angry because me OH is trying so hard to see his daughter and her mum is refusing out of spite. Yet my ex is having his son handed to him on a plate and doesnt care! It's a slap in the face to men who DO want access and o remind my ex of this frequently (to no avail)

I've no advice other than to keep your chin up. Your daughter is a gorgeous and funny wee girl and not seeing her dad is doIng her no harm x


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## Dezireey

I agree with others and just keep ignoring him.Let him make 100% of any effort now. It's disruptive to her life and making you stressed and he is having influence on you both,which is wrong.You have been good and given him a chance. Don't force a man to be a father. Some men are just useless at it and the kids are just better off without them.


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## Feff

Thanks a lot for the advice everybody :hugs: x


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