# MIL spending too much time with LO?



## Bubblefish

I am so upset right now i dont really know where to start....

I've been having problems with MIL since the day LO was born, starting with her at the hospital holding LO before me but we wont go there today, basically she comes over every day that she isnt at work, (shes at work two days then off two days etc etc) well today she came over at 8.30am and left at 4.30pm. And this is after having LO all weekend- 2pm sat til 6pm sun night. as me and OH wernt well. Well when she comes over she completely takes over, i cant even get near my child! 
Today we took LO to docs as she hasnt been well and she took her off me in the waiting room and basically took over whilst talking to the docs, i was getting LO dressed to leave and LO was crying as she was tired and hungry and looking at MIL and so MIL took her and she instantly stopped crying. She has been doing this all day, wanting MIL and not me, and its breaking my heart. I thought babys wanted their mummys when tired or ill? Well not mine :cry:
The thing is though she always prefers me over anyone else, even DH but lately when MIL is around (which is ALOT) she wants her and almost jumps out my arms to get to her!

When MIL is here she feeds her, changes her and everything really, and when i do get a chance to do something she is always there, for instance today i was feeding LO when she arrived and she sat next to me and played with LOs feet until LO wanted her and not me so she took over feeding, then i took her back to change her and was sat on the floor changing her at the bottom of the mat and mil was sat at the top of the mat talking to her and holding her hands!!!! So ofcourse she then started turning over and trying to go to mil before i could even get her nappy on!!

It just makes me sooo mad!!
And i have to admit i feel soooooo jealous when lo wants mil and not me, today at the docs i almost cried when she didnt want me. 
I am wondering if maybe lo is seing too much of mil and this is why she only wants her when she is around?
My own family dont even get the chance to see lo when mil is around almost every day! Ive tried making excuses but they never work and me and oh have spoken to her in the past about overstepping the mark etc and she said sorry but just carried on doing it!!
I really am at the end of my tether with the whole situation and dont know what to do anymore!!


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## emzky90

:hugs: Oh how annoying! I'd be well annoyed too. I think you're probably going to have to be a bit more forceful and just go and grab your baby whenever yo want her or just walk away or turn around- failing that just say "she's my baby BACK OFF" i'd hate that! Hope you sort it hun! x


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## summerbreeze8

omg hun, I just didn't want to read and run. That sounds like an awful situation and anyone would feel the same as you. Can't your oh talk to her if it is his mother and just tell her how you are feeling? He could say thanks for all your help and we really appreciate it, but we need to bond with our own baby ourselves and learn things our own way. She sounds like a nightmare if she doesn't understand that she is taking over. You will both just have to be really firm with her if she doesn't listen. Good luck XXX


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## k4th

:hugs: that sounds awful & I don't blame u at all for being upset. Can you join some mother & baby groups so you're def busy certain days of the week? 

I think u might have to tell her to back off too. Have a word & then take her off mil when she needs feeding/changing etc. Stand up to her now before it gets worse :hugs:


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## Bubblefish

The thing is though we have tried talking to her and it seems like she understands but then it just starts happening all over again! And OH is at work all day so he doesnt understand just how much she overtakes. He says things like 'aww well she just wants to spend time with her cos she loves her so much, etc.' And its hard to talk to him about it sometimes as it is his mother afterall and they have always been so close.

I have lost so much sleep over the whole situation it is really starting to get me down. I dread the days i know she is going to be here and i hate it being like this :cry:


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## Bubblefish

k4th said:


> :hugs: that sounds awful & I don't blame u at all for being upset. Can you join some mother & baby groups so you're def busy certain days of the week?
> 
> I think u might have to tell her to back off too. Have a word & then take her off mil when she needs feeding/changing etc. Stand up to her now before it gets worse :hugs:

I thought of the mother baby groups too but when i tried it she just asked if she could come with me!!!! and i HATED everyone thinking she was the mummy so stopped going..


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## bigbetty

Oh. My. God.

You really need to nip this in the bud! You should be able to go to the baby groups without her hanging on like a bad smell!! Does she just turn up or ask first? You need to arrange to go out and then tell her you are busy - if she turns up at the door don't let her in.

And write everything down then show your husband - or show him this thread! Tell him it's not just you being over-sensitive or just that she "loves her so much" - she is taking over and it's not her child! She should be there when you ask for help not just automatically do things. She has raised her child/ren, it's time for you and your DH to raise yours.


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## charlotte-xo

I agree that you need to nip it in the bud immediately. Shell only continue to do it. Yes her intentions are probably well intended but shes taking abit OTT. Id iether have a word with her and tell her to calm down abit. Or start going out and dont tell her were or when your going, she should eventually take the hint and stop coming over and constantly taking over :hugs: Id be exactly the same as you hun if it were my MIL.

<3


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## MissRoxie

I think grandparents do tend to try & take over but you really need to stop this now. You could try not letting her in? Maybe harsh but at the end of the day she is your child & MIL has done her parenting. Its time for a step back & unless you push her back shes just gonna keep on doing it. I would just leave your house at 8am on her next day off & go to a friends house go do a bit of food shopping or even window shopping if you don't have any money! Anything to be away from the situation.. & if OH calls you asking where you are say you're having time out from MIL as you can't take anymore & just be honest! Sometimes people need to hear what they don't like to get their feelings across. I honestly think your MIL is way outta line but you really need to show her since shes not listening actions speak volumes :thumbup:

Also, can I ask? Don't mean to be rude but are you quite young? Is that why, she maybe thinks you can't cope... Ps I'm only 20 so not tryna be patronising or anything xx


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## Bubblefish

Sometimes she will just turn up and other times she will ask first but if i say im busy meeting friends or something she will say ok well ill pop over when you get back and will txt asking if im back yet until i usualy just give in and let her come over... :blush:

Do you think her coming over so much and taking over could possibly ruin my bond with LO?


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## Bubblefish

MissRoxie said:


> I think grandparents do tend to try & take over but you really need to stop this now. You could try not letting her in? Maybe harsh but at the end of the day she is your child & MIL has done her parenting. Its time for a step back & unless you push her back shes just gonna keep on doing it. I would just leave your house at 8am on her next day off & go to a friends house go do a bit of food shopping or even window shopping if you don't have any money! Anything to be away from the situation.. & if OH calls you asking where you are say you're having time out from MIL as you can't take anymore & just be honest! Sometimes people need to hear what they don't like to get their feelings across. I honestly think your MIL is way outta line but you really need to show her since shes not listening actions speak volumes :thumbup:
> 
> Also, can I ask? Don't mean to be rude but are you quite young? Is that why, she maybe thinks you can't cope... Ps I'm only 20 so not tryna be patronising or anything xx


Sometimes i do try and make plans for the days she will be coming but im sure she has noticed as she has now started saying oh ill be over such and such day a few days in advance!


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## MissRoxie

Bubblefish said:


> MissRoxie said:
> 
> 
> I think grandparents do tend to try & take over but you really need to stop this now. You could try not letting her in? Maybe harsh but at the end of the day she is your child & MIL has done her parenting. Its time for a step back & unless you push her back shes just gonna keep on doing it. I would just leave your house at 8am on her next day off & go to a friends house go do a bit of food shopping or even window shopping if you don't have any money! Anything to be away from the situation.. & if OH calls you asking where you are say you're having time out from MIL as you can't take anymore & just be honest! Sometimes people need to hear what they don't like to get their feelings across. I honestly think your MIL is way outta line but you really need to show her since shes not listening actions speak volumes :thumbup:
> 
> Also, can I ask? Don't mean to be rude but are you quite young? Is that why, she maybe thinks you can't cope... Ps I'm only 20 so not tryna be patronising or anything xx
> 
> 
> Im 23.
> Sometimes i do try and make plans for the days she will be coming but im sure she has noticed as she has now started saying oh ill be over such and such day a few days in advance!Click to expand...

Just say no! lol I know its easier said than done but honestly you're a mother, you need to learn to tell people what you want. You're not here to please anyone else :thumbup: Just tell her no I'm busy or even just say I might be busy, I'll get back to you if you don't want to say the direct "no" but I think it would be best if you just said no, coz then she'll question why you said no & then you can tell her the real truth x


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## emzky90

I'm afraid you really do just need to be brutally honest- either that or this nightmare you're having will just carry on. Speak to your OH and get him to have a firm word again and tell him if it doesnt stop then you will have to say something =] don't put up with it hun!


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## Bexivillian

To be honest i think its very rude of her. How dare she come over and take over? Tell her that she can see your LO once a week but you want to spend time with your daughter. X


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## Bubblefish

Thanks everyone, im deffinately going to do something as i just cant carry on like this for much longer!


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## Bubblefish

Bexivillian said:


> To be honest i think its very rude of her. How dare she come over and take over? Tell her that she can see your LO once a week but you want to spend time with your daughter. X

I love the idea of once a week but i think she would probably have some sort of breakdown if i told her once a week! 
Is it really that unreasonable though for a grandmother to only see her grandchild this often?


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## MissRoxie

Bubblefish said:


> Bexivillian said:
> 
> 
> To be honest i think its very rude of her. How dare she come over and take over? Tell her that she can see your LO once a week but you want to spend time with your daughter. X
> 
> I love the idea of once a week but i think she would probably have some sort of breakdown if i told her once a week!
> Is it really that unreasonable though for a grandmother to only see her grandchild this often?Click to expand...

My MIL has seen Kayla twice since she has been born because she lives 450 miles away so your MIL has got it good!


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## elephant29

I posted a very similar thread last night saying I felt MIL was expecting to have my LO too much.

Firstly nothing will ruin your bond with your daughter, I promise. Your LO knows your her mummy, she just gets excited seeing other people and as your MIL is practically living with you thats why she gets excited. My LO reaches out for my mum and MIL as well.

However your MIL is taking things to the extreme and it isnt fair. I know you said your OH had a word before but I think it's time to say something again. You cant go on letting her do this to you.

xxx


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## Bubblefish

elephant29 said:


> I posted a very similar thread last night saying I felt MIL was expecting to have my LO too much.
> *
> Firstly nothing will ruin your bond with your daughter, I promise. Your LO knows your her mummy, she just gets excited seeing other people and as your MIL is practically living with you thats why she gets excited. My LO reaches out for my mum and MIL as well.*
> 
> However your MIL is taking things to the extreme and it isnt fair. I know you said your OH had a word before but I think it's time to say something again. You cant go on letting her do this to you.
> 
> xxx

Thankyou i really needed to hear this as i was feeling very unloved by my lo.


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## pam100

Bubblefish said:


> Bexivillian said:
> 
> 
> To be honest i think its very rude of her. How dare she come over and take over? Tell her that she can see your LO once a week but you want to spend time with your daughter. X
> 
> I love the idea of once a week but i think she would probably have some sort of breakdown if i told her once a week!
> Is it really that unreasonable though for a grandmother to only see her grandchild this often?Click to expand...

My MIL lives 2 mins up the road, she sees LO once a week for about an hr, sometimes not even that! Just remember that LO is YOUR child and you are allowed to spend as much uninterrupted time as you want with her! Tell your OH to have a word with her, she really does sound like she is taking over!


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## Sarah&Ady

Bless you. What an awkward situation to be in! I am not really known for my 'tact' and by would have probably had her buried under a nice new patio out back :haha:
I do think you need to be very firm but calm when telling her to back off. I notice you siad that she had LO when you and you OH were ill. This may be adding to her 'green light' to do as she wants. Perhaps you could leave LO with another family member next time something happens? I hope you get it sorted hun xx


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## Murphy98

I'm sorry to say it honey but you need to get your guts together and put up some boundaries. I am not advocating you be rude but you need to be firm and put your foot down - period. Your only harming your relationship with your MIL because the longer this goes on and the more resentful you get, the more accustomed to this behaviour she gets = the worse the situation will be. 

Just say no thank you - and mean it. Then repeat. Then repeat again as needed. This will only get worse if you don't address it right now.

To answer your other post as to how much inlaw time is too much - I don't think its a hard and fast rule. Just what you as parents are comfortable with and obviously you are not comfortable with this much involvement (I wouldn't be either by the by).

Take control and address it head on with no drama.

:hugs:


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## XfairyhopesX

Cut down the visits angel shes waaaay to involved!!! xx


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## wookie130

Oh, I'd put a firm end to this, and I'd end it now.

I'm not only worried about what this situation is doing to your perception of how your baby feels about you (and rest assured you are MOMMY, and nothing will take the place of that to your LO), but I'm worried it will put a strain on your relationship with your OH, especially if he doesn't realize just HOW BAD THIS HAS BEEN!!!

I'd do it over the phone. I would be as clear as crystal, and tell her that you feel that you need to spend the majority of your week alone with your child, and that 1 day is adequate for her to be spending time with your LO. Tell her that you feel that your boundaries as a mother have been breached by how often she sees the child, and that you are THE MOM. I'd also tell her that NO ONE should have held that baby before YOU immediately after birth...personally, I find this absolutely hideous, and if I were a doctor or nurse who witnessed something like this, I'd croak. Yes, MIL loves the baby. Yes, baby loves her. But, baby NEEDS *YOU*, and I'd be telling her that the long and extended visits need to STOP, and that it is infringing on time you need to spend bonding and raising your child properly as a parent. Tell her you appreciate her, you love her, and that the child loves her, but you need to set boundaries, and the three of you (you, OH, and baby) need to establish yourselves as an independent family. Thank her for her support and attention to the baby, but that baby is YOURS, and having her around is simply too distracting for you when your ultimate goal is to be an effective an AUTONOMOUS parent.

She probably won't like it, or it may hurt her. What you will need to accept, is that you're not always responsible for the feelings of others...you are only responsible for YOU, and that child. I feel it is a violation of her duties as a grandparent to be stepping on your toes, taking over, and bogarting the attention and affection of this child. It's rather sick, and I feel for you. I know it's uncomfortable and difficult, and you may be creating a wedge between you and your in-laws, but your child is the only thing that matters in this situation, and YOU ARE THE MOTHER. I guess I can't reiterate that enough.

Nip it, and do it quickly and NOW. I don't think I could tolerate this level of interference in my life, let alone in the life of my baby...be prepared for your OH to possibly be upset with you about what you need to do. If he can't get a clear illustration about how serious and damaging his mother's behavior has been to you as a parent from what you have described to US on an internet forum, then perhaps he needs a flogging as well...because from what you shared with us, it's pretty obvious that it's a PROBLEM, and he needs to be looking out for his family's interests. 

Good luck, and let us know what happens.


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## vitriolic_vix

Oh my gosh she would do my head in!!! I would sort it now before it gets worse! My mum sees little one about 2 afternoons a week and sometimes I have to bite my Tongue but if it's something that matters I put my foot down as I don't want to set a precedent for future and her undermining me with discipline etc with little one when she's older. So heaven help you with your MIL. I'd definitely speak to your husband about how bad it's making you feel because it's not in your head and you don't want to resent her and it damage your relationship with her.


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## loramac

Jesus...she sounds like a nightmare!!!I feel bad for you being in this position!If it were me I thinki I would just start telling her I was out and if she comes to the door ignore her??Dont reply to texts and claim you left your phome at home?If she hasnt listened to you when youve spoken to her you need to use another tactic!What a terrible situation!Hope you get things sorted soon xx


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## karenm28

I feel awful for you :hugs:

I think I would say to her that you want some bonding time just you and LO so please can she not visit until say Friday for eg....if she argues just say the same thing over and over like a broken record with a kind smile on your face.

If she rings play the broken record again until she gets it in her head that you mean it. Don't back down. She can visit on FRIDAY!

Then let her visit on Friday and then say how much you really enjoyed your time alone with LO and how you do appreciate her help but you have realised you need to do things yourself and care for LO by yourself so can she visit twice a week maximum (or whatever you feel comfortable with) 
Repeat repeat repeat.... 

Enjoy your time with LO, snuggle down just you two and have lots of cuddles all week long with no interference, thats what you need at this time. 

Your MIL probably thinks she is helping but she is misguided because she is upsetting you and making your doubt yourself. 

Sometimes MILs don't accept that their son has grown up and hence their DIL has too and they think they are still the boss of the family but now YOU and your DH are the bosses of YOUR OWN family and she will need to adjust to that fact. When she does the dynamics of the relationship change and it is hard for her now but it needs doing. 

PS this is the calmest possible approach - I just ripped my MIL to shreds when she tried to interfere and our relationship has never recovered but at least I got rid of her :winkwink:


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## binxyboo

does your MIL have a key to your place?
If not - when she comes round, either ignore the doorbell and tell her you were out (you went for a long walk to blow away the cobwebs) or answer the door but tell her that she can't stay more than 10 mins cos you are on the way out. If she asks where or if she can come along, tell her it is at a friends house and it would seem a bit weird/innapropriate if you just brought uninvited guests round.
If she doesn't leave til you do, head out for a bit (walk/drive round the block a couple of times)


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## k4th

Bubblefish said:


> k4th said:
> 
> 
> :hugs: that sounds awful & I don't blame u at all for being upset. Can you join some mother & baby groups so you're def busy certain days of the week?
> 
> I think u might have to tell her to back off too. Have a word & then take her off mil when she needs feeding/changing etc. Stand up to her now before it gets worse :hugs:
> 
> I thought of the mother baby groups too but when i tried it she just asked if she could come with me!!!! and i HATED everyone thinking she was the mummy so stopped going..Click to expand...

Oh my!!!! You have got to tell this crazy lady 'no'!!! It's your time with lo & you can't let this go on hun. & when u tell her no & she starts txting turn your phone off if u have to so u don't give in to her. She'll only get the message if u really mean what u say & back it up :hugs:


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## emzky90

Let us know how you get on and don't back down! You can do it :thumbup::hugs:


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## hb1

Maybe go out on her days off - go to your mums and just hang out there till 5 and then go home - if MIL says anything explain she has driven you to it and you just won't be available to her until she follows your wishes

hx


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## Siyren

where bouts in the uk are you hun? maybe theres some of us that could meet up for coffees etc or go to baby groups with you to give you a support network as such? 

i agree you need to set up some firm boundaries, letting her see your LO a day a week is more than enough.
your LO def knows you though and loves you as her mummy, lyss will go to someone interesting that she knows well as long as theyre there, but when she hurts herself then its always me she wants without a fail! x


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## kiraelliott

I haven't read anyone elses' responses but I just wouldn't open the door. Your baby, your rules.

Edit- I read some of the responses lol.

If you're not comfy with MIL being there so much - then you don't have to have her there :) If she was a decent human being she will respect your need for space.


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## buddyIV

karenm28 said:


> I feel awful for you :hugs:
> 
> I think I would say to her that you want some bonding time just you and LO so please can she not visit until say Friday for eg....if she argues just say the same thing over and over like a broken record with a kind smile on your face.
> 
> If she rings play the broken record again until she gets it in her head that you mean it. Don't back down. She can visit on FRIDAY!
> 
> Then let her visit on Friday and then say how much you really enjoyed your time alone with LO and how you do appreciate her help but you have realised you need to do things yourself and care for LO by yourself so can she visit twice a week maximum (or whatever you feel comfortable with)
> Repeat repeat repeat....
> 
> Enjoy your time with LO, snuggle down just you two and have lots of cuddles all week long with no interference, thats what you need at this time.
> 
> Your MIL probably thinks she is helping but she is misguided because she is upsetting you and making your doubt yourself.
> 
> Sometimes MILs don't accept that their son has grown up and hence their DIL has too and they think they are still the boss of the family but now YOU and your DH are the bosses of YOUR OWN family and she will need to adjust to that fact. When she does the dynamics of the relationship change and it is hard for her now but it needs doing.
> 
> PS this is the calmest possible approach - I just ripped my MIL to shreds when she tried to interfere and our relationship has never recovered but at least I got rid of her :winkwink:

^^^^This is amazing advice! I think Karen28 has hit the nail on the head; you need to be strong and recite your wishes over and over and over again (till you're even boring yourself!). She'll get the picture eventually. Just be very firm, when she says she'll pop over just tell her that it doesn't suit, but let her know when she CAN come over (once a week, or whatever you are comfortable with). She'll hate it at first, but she has to recognise that you are the parent here, and what you say goes!

Don't worry about your bond with LO; you are her Mummy, and she will love you no matter what! x


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## AmethystDream

A couple of observations, aside from her visiting far too often and for far too long, aside from her taking over completely and making you feel the way she does... this woman is deliberately distracting your child whilst you are doing things with her. 

That part is extremely telling and says that, despite wishing to give her the benefit of the doubt, she is actually being extremely manipulative and knows exactly what she is doing.

She now knows that if she distracts your little girl enough, you will back off and let her do what she wants with LO. You have to stop this NOW. If DH won't do it, tell him that you will. Because if you don't it will end up affecting your relationship with MIL (like it hasn't already :wacko:) and ultimately him. MIL needs boundaries that are set in stone and if she doesn't like it, tough crap. She is not your child's Mother and the sooner she gets her head around that the better it will be for both you and your child.

Be strong. You will need to be REALLY strong but you can do it. Mummy Bear is fighting for her Daughter's wellbeing and her own sanity. You CAN do it, Hun.


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## midori1999

No matter how much your LO loves and trusts your MIL, there's no doubt she will know and always know you are her Mummy, so there's really no need to worry about that. Soley from your LO's point of view, the more adults she has around her that she can develop a good bond with and who love her and she loves and feels safe with, the better.

I lived with my parents and my paternal Grandparents as a baby/toddler and then with my Father and Grandparents when my Parents divorced. As a result I had and still have a wonderful relationship with my Grandmother, she was afterall, my primary carer for most of my childhood. I never forgot who my Mum was though and loved her just as much as I would have done if my Grandmother hadn't existed. Once I lived with my Mum again I used to get so excited coming home from school at the prospect of seeing my Grandmother. Sadly, my own and my husband's parents live so far from us (my husband is in the army) that my own children aren't likely to be so close to their Grandmother's and I feel very sad about that really. 

It does sound though like you need more time alone with you and your LO. You need to make this clear to your MIL and don't take no for an answer. Maybe start by saying she can come round, but you are going out at say, 11am, so she will have to leave by then. If she offers to come with you, simply sy 'no thankyou'. Or just tell her you're busy when she asks to come round and it's not convenient that day. Be insistant and don't feel you need to explain yourself. If she does insist on coming round when not invited or 'ok'ed' by you, just keep the door locked and don't answer it.


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## hattiehippo

I would be strong with her and tell her no and don't answer the door if she turns up uninvited. I know it will be really hard but remember you hold all the cards here.......if she wants to see your LO then she needs to play by your rules and that needs to inculde not manipulating your baby when your trying to look after her.

And if all else fails, go out on lots of long walks so you're physically not in. 

Good luck...it will be worth it to get your baby back.


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## Babushka99

My MIL did exactly this and now I am at the stage where I never want to see her again and we have really fallen out. Stop it now before it gets to the point where you just unleash all your feelings at once. Trust me I've been there. It will turn nasty. We are not surrogate mums so they can have another baby. Its our baby and our turn they had their turn. Set the record straight from now.


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## AP

Stop her doing mummy things. The feeding and changing. These were two things I kept to 'parents only' because my MIL was going down the same road as yours.

It's up to you to put the foot down, or you'll regret it. You won't get these early days back.

(I agree with babuskas post above, it could get horrible. )


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## Babushka99

p.s hattiehippos advice is like gold. Just start going out to baby clubs and meeting other mums etc. They start early in the morning so probably before your MIL would arrive.


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## AP

Also I will add hun, both of my LOs were sick of the sight of me and gave out more smiles etc to others ;) it was just their way. :haha:

And If she wants to go to mummy groups tell her to bring her own LO.... Shes not your LOs mummy, how rude!


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## JaniceT

I'm on the opposite of the continuum. My MIL doesn't even want to hold or play with Ethan. It's sad because when he grows up, he will surely ask why his grandma doesn't love him.


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## whoops

AmethystDream said:


> A couple of observations, aside from her visiting far too often and for far too long, aside from her taking over completely and making you feel the way she does... this woman is deliberately distracting your child whilst you are doing things with her.
> 
> That part is extremely telling and says that, despite wishing to give her the benefit of the doubt, she is actually being extremely manipulative and knows exactly what she is doing.
> 
> She now knows that if she distracts your little girl enough, you will back off and let her do what she wants with LO. You have to stop this NOW. If DH won't do it, tell him that you will. Because if you don't it will end up affecting your relationship with MIL (like it hasn't already :wacko:) and ultimately him. MIL needs boundaries that are set in stone and if she doesn't like it, tough crap. She is not your child's Mother and the sooner she gets her head around that the better it will be for both you and your child.
> 
> Be strong. You will need to be REALLY strong but you can do it. Mummy Bear is fighting for her Daughter's wellbeing and her own sanity. You CAN do it, Hun.

Oh god, yes, and both of my parents have been guilty of this to some extent. I'm not great at putting my foot down, but I did have to repeatedly say 'stop distracting her' when I was feeding her, and once or twice stopped and waited silently until they left the room. They know now that it's something that really bothers me so they leave us alone when she's being fed.


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## oliviarose

Me being me, I wouldn't even let her in.

My mil hasn't so much as changed a nappy or fed him and she won't anytime soon either.

You do nerd to put a stop to it though, you will eventually snap and it will turn nasty. She is your baby, just tell your mil to sod off, she might get the hint then.

An idea, when changing/feeding LO take her into your bedroom and do it. Close the door at the same time too.

I'm sorry that you are in such an awkward situation xxx


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## lynys

Don't answer the door when she shows up everyday.


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## kiraelliott

You've got some great advice here now... hope it gives you the confidence to do what you want to :) 

One thing I told my MIL the other day (after a long lengthy chat because we'd fallen out) is that *there is nothing worse than being treated like a kid with a kid*. She laughed because it was true. She has to agree to what you want - it's your LO, she shouldn't even have to question it.

xxxx


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## Mrmojo1971

You definitely need to nip it in the bud. 

It reminds me of my ex in-laws who used to be really happy when their first grand daughter cried because she had to go home to her mum after spending the weekend with them.


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## Palestrina

wookie130 said:


> Oh, I'd put a firm end to this, and I'd end it now.
> 
> I'm not only worried about what this situation is doing to your perception of how your baby feels about you (and rest assured you are MOMMY, and nothing will take the place of that to your LO), but I'm worried it will put a strain on your relationship with your OH, especially if he doesn't realize just HOW BAD THIS HAS BEEN!!!
> 
> I'd do it over the phone. I would be as clear as crystal, and tell her that you feel that you need to spend the majority of your week alone with your child, and that 1 day is adequate for her to be spending time with your LO. Tell her that you feel that your boundaries as a mother have been breached by how often she sees the child, and that you are THE MOM. I'd also tell her that NO ONE should have held that baby before YOU immediately after birth...personally, I find this absolutely hideous, and if I were a doctor or nurse who witnessed something like this, I'd croak. Yes, MIL loves the baby. Yes, baby loves her. But, baby NEEDS *YOU*, and I'd be telling her that the long and extended visits need to STOP, and that it is infringing on time you need to spend bonding and raising your child properly as a parent. Tell her you appreciate her, you love her, and that the child loves her, but you need to set boundaries, and the three of you (you, OH, and baby) need to establish yourselves as an independent family. Thank her for her support and attention to the baby, but that baby is YOURS, and having her around is simply too distracting for you when your ultimate goal is to be an effective an AUTONOMOUS parent.
> 
> She probably won't like it, or it may hurt her. What you will need to accept, is that you're not always responsible for the feelings of others...you are only responsible for YOU, and that child. I feel it is a violation of her duties as a grandparent to be stepping on your toes, taking over, and bogarting the attention and affection of this child. It's rather sick, and I feel for you. I know it's uncomfortable and difficult, and you may be creating a wedge between you and your in-laws, but your child is the only thing that matters in this situation, and YOU ARE THE MOTHER. I guess I can't reiterate that enough.
> 
> Nip it, and do it quickly and NOW. I don't think I could tolerate this level of interference in my life, let alone in the life of my baby...be prepared for your OH to possibly be upset with you about what you need to do. If he can't get a clear illustration about how serious and damaging his mother's behavior has been to you as a parent from what you have described to US on an internet forum, then perhaps he needs a flogging as well...because from what you shared with us, it's pretty obvious that it's a PROBLEM, and he needs to be looking out for his family's interests.
> 
> Good luck, and let us know what happens.

I agree completely!! :thumbup: 

I remember you from another thread and I remember thinking even then that your MIL is not to be trusted. It really struck a cord because it is SO out of line of someone to take your baby out of the room when you're sick and keep it away from you. 

I know some people here are saying that your MIL has good intentions.... bull$#^! She knows very well what she's doing and she's taking control over your child. I've seen this kind of behavior before and it gets worse the longer you let it continue. 

I don't want to say that this is your fault because it's not. However, if you don't put your foot down and fix it now you will be looking back on this in your future and be very very angry with yourself for not standing up for your family unit. Your husband doesn't seem bothered with this and ideally it's his job to put his mother in her place. But he won't do that and she very well knows it my dear. She probably knows you're too nice to stand up to her and is COMPLETELY taking advantage of the situation. It's sick and dellusional. I mean, who wants to do something like that?


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## BabyJayne

Nothing will ruin the bond you have with LO. Absolutely nothing. You are mummy, MIL is grandmother. Those roles will always remain.

Some great advice here - so don't want to just repeat stuff. I managed to nip my MIL's "popping round for 10 mins" in the bud when Madeline was tiny. I chose a dedicated day in the week when LO and I would go there. We would spend the whole afternoon at the ILs - most of the time I would stay, but would let MIL do the majority of watching Madeline and put my feet up for a few hours. Or I would sometimes pop to the shops and leave Madeline with her. Just thinking that you could offer this as an idea to MIL to stop her coming over to you so much. If you go there, you can leave when you are ready, not wait for her to go.

Have faith in yourself - you will sort this out to a situation you are happy with.


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## Betheney

My mother and MIL who are both as over bearing as one another both live interstate and TBH it's heaven! lol. I love not having them to nag and boss and be a pain in the arse.
 
I think during this conversation with MIL, you need to have a clear constructive conversation about why and the implications. you need to tell her that you have many one on one things that need to be done by the mother, like you need to read her a book per day and it needs to be done by the mother with no interruptions. You need just alot of one on one time with no distractions or interruptions you can't raise her properly if you don't have this. Tell her your happy to have her over but it needs to be reduced. She can have 2 days per week only and from 12pm onwards. I would say 9-4 or something but we both know she would end up staying longer so it's better to start it later in the day. Tell her your sorry you have to implement days but if you don't she is going to just overstep and start turning up everyday. Or just tell her from monday-sunday she can have any 2 days.

It's going to be a tough strong conversation where your going to have to be firm and say things that will probably upset her, but for YOUR sake and the sake of your childs development you have to have it


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## angel2010

OMG I am so angry for you right now!! I can't believe what she is doing!! You are going to be miserable if you don't put a stop to this. It looks like the only way to get through to her is to be a little mean. I know you don't want to be mean and look like the bad guy, but if you don't stop this now, it will continue. TBH if I were you I would set aside time ONCE a week that mil gets to see lo. Once a week is plenty! You are her mother, not your mil!! Don't let yourself get ran over hun! Good luck!


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## four

Big hugs! I didn't read all the post, but wanted to reply. I actually had this problem with my father in law. I finally put my foot down, and told him he was only allowed uninvited once per week. Other than that he could not just stop by. We needed our family time, and you are not a part of the family we are trying to create together. He finally took me seriously when I locked the door, and wouldn't answer it. (He showed up uninvited) It's not easy, but worth the bad feelings at the time.


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## Tiffa130

I'd ask her politely to backoff


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## madcatwoman

hun,ive had problems with my MIL, even when i was just 16 weeks preg!. its simply a case of telling her to back off!, it wont make you popular(but id prefer that to her being in my house taking over the baby all day!), i even did mine a letter telling her of the problems she was creating!


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## AP

BabyJayne said:


> Some great advice here - so don't want to just repeat stuff. I managed to nip my MIL's "popping round for 10 mins" in the bud when Madeline was tiny. I chose a dedicated day in the week when LO and I would go there. We would spend the whole afternoon at the ILs - most of the time I would stay, but would let MIL do the majority of watching Madeline and put my feet up for a few hours. Or I would sometimes pop to the shops and leave Madeline with her. Just thinking that you could offer this as an idea to MIL to stop her coming over to you so much. If you go there, you can leave when you are ready, not wait for her to go.
> 
> Have faith in yourself - you will sort this out to a situation you are happy with.

That is exactly what we do. Balls in our court that way.


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## CarlyP

You've done well to get this far with her, think i'd of flipped by now.

What an awful situation, I definatly would say something, and harshly as she hasnt listened to you before, it will probably cause an arguement but she will get over it.


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## Bubblefish

Wow thankyou everyone for all the great advice!

I havnt had a chance to talk to mil as she is at work today but i will do.
I tried talking to oh last night and its gonna be harder than i thought as he just doesnt get it! I told him im gonna suggest she only comes over twice a week to which he replied "she can come over whenever she likes" so i told him exactly how the day had been and he admitted it was not normal behaviour but that it is still mean of me to stop her coming over!!!! So i told him she can come over when she likes, but i wont be in as already been making plans with friends to meet up more and get out the house with lo!


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## Whisper

crikey sounds like she needs to get a hobby! I think you need to be really strong and put your foot down, this is your LO and she is only this small once, your MIL obviously cares a lot for her but needs to appreciate some boundaries.


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## AP

wtf did she do before LO? she needs to get a life!


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## Lellow

This is insane behaviour - Surely your DH can see that this isnt normal for this mum to behave like this!

Everyone has given you amazing advice, so ill just chuck in a :hugs:

I hope this can be resolved without to much damage tot he r/ship between you and MIL.


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## ShanandBoc

Maybe show your OH this thread, if you dont think it will upset him.

Man this would drive me nuts!!!! I cant believe you have put up with it this long! You have received some fantastic advice so i dont think i have anything more to add but just wanted to say all the best....i will be following to see how this turns out. xo


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## Palestrina

Bubblefish said:


> Wow thankyou everyone for all the great advice!
> 
> I havnt had a chance to talk to mil as she is at work today but i will do.
> I tried talking to oh last night and its gonna be harder than i thought as he just doesnt get it! I told him im gonna suggest she only comes over twice a week to which he replied "she can come over whenever she likes" so i told him exactly how the day had been and he admitted it was not normal behaviour but that it is still mean of me to stop her coming over!!!! So i told him she can come over when she likes, but i wont be in as already been making plans with friends to meet up more and get out the house with lo!

That's just as I feared, he doesn't get it and won't stand up for you. You're just going to have to take care of this on your own and leave him out of it. His mother does not respect you and from his response to you it sounds like he respects his mom more than he respects you. The biggest bully always wins and right now that's her - make it be you!

You know what they say, you teach people how to treat you and by being so overly nice to her and allowing her to snatch that baby away from you as long as you have you've only taught to her that it's ok to walk all over you. She knows her baby boy is in her corner and is using that against you too. You must put her in her place. Not only for your sake but think of the baby - do you really want to teach your child that it's ok for people to walk into YOUR house and do as they please? You can't spend all your time out of your house just so she won't be there.


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## AmethystDream

It is home to both of you and you are at home during the day, so far from you having very little say... you have at the very least equal, if not more. It is YOU that is being affected, not him!

If MIL desperately needs someone to Mother, tell DH to take a week off work and let her do it to him, because she will not continue to do it to your child at your expense.

Sheesh, why don't men 'get it'? :growlmad:


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## Betheney

don't just go spending all your time outdoors so she can't come over. Tell her sorry you can't come over tomorrow i'm busy having a mummy and bubby day all day. We need some more one on one.

please let us know how you go.


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## angel2010

Palestrina said:


> That's just as I feared, he doesn't get it and won't stand up for you. You're just going to have to take care of this on your own and leave him out of it. His mother does not respect you and from his response to you it sounds like he respects his mom more than he respects you. The biggest bully always wins and right now that's her - make it be you!
> 
> You know what they say, you teach people how to treat you and by being so overly nice to her and allowing her to snatch that baby away from you as long as you have you've only taught to her that it's ok to walk all over you.
> 
> 
> All of this!Click to expand...


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## stardust599

Oh sweetie. What an awful situation :-( Don't let her take over. Once/twice a week is MORE than enough. She is taking advantage of your good nature and is more or less taking over as the main carer of your LO. I would be devastated if my LO reached for someone else when ill, I really feel for you! Keeping up your Mummy/baby bond is more important than being polite to MIL. From reading your other posts I think she knows exactly what she's doing.

Put your foot down now, it'll only get worse and worse! x


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## Ice Cold Cube

I had real issues with my MIL wanting to play mum with my LO and I sooo regret not doing something about it sooner than I did. It all came to a head when my LO was about 3 months old and if I had nipped it in the bud before then, it would have made things so much easier. Now things are completely on our terms and my LO only sees MIL every few weeks. She also knows not to overstep the mark any more (no more running off with the pram or crying when I say she can't wake him from a sleep etc).

It sounds to me like your OH is really not giving you the support that you need. In my opinion you do not need his approval in terms of how often his mother visits. YOU are the one at home, and it is YOUR home, so YOU should have full control over who comes in the door and when. I don't know anyone who would give their MIL free reign to visit any time, so I think your OH is being really unreasonable to expect you to keep putting up with this. If things don't change for you, and soon, you are going to look back on this special time in the future and regret not doing something about it.

You have been given great advice here. Write down everything you want to say, and then phone your MIL and tell her it. Or write her a letter if it would be easier for you. You have to do something though - you don't deserve this and the stress it will be causing you even when she's not there!

Laura x


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## Bexyboop

Why don't you suggest to your OH that MIL only comes when he is there then he can deal with her.

My MIL lives just a long the road from us and she gets to babysit once a week sometimes more sometimes less. How would you feel about suggesting that she gets one afternoon a week to look after LO so that you don't have to be with her. I appreciate that given the situation you might not feel happy with this but perhaps this would be a good way for her to have quality time with LO without you having to see MIL with her.

Its such a horrible situation you are in. I think she has some real issues! I really hope you are able to sort something out. I wouldn't even be able to cope with my own mother spending so much time with me let alone my MIL.


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## LadyRoy

Just wanted to wish you good luck for today! :hugs:


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## tu123

Lots of lovely ladies have given you great advice.

My advice....


Get out of the house!!!!!

I go out twice a day for a walk or meet up with mummy pals.

Make plans hun. Get on the net and find those mum and baby groups.


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## Bubblefish

Thankyou everyone for all the wonderfull advice, this is why i love bnb :) she is coming over this afternoon and we are going to talk. So nervous but i know i need to do this! x


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## xxembobxx

Good luck x
I'm so soft when it comes to standing up for myself so I'm impressed with what you are doing.
I'm lucky my mum helps out but is also happy to give the kids back. My LO always wants my mum when she visits and she doesn't come that often so it doesn't mean they love nanna any more. My LO also prefers my youngest DD to me! He won't let go of her once she has picked him up which sometimes I think feels wrong but I'm glad they have that bond.
Hopefully you know what you want to say and how to say it diplomatically but as long as you feel less stressed about the situation then it's all good x


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## AmethystDream

I know that you are nervous and it will be a bloody difficult thing to do but, as you said, it needs doing.

Be as calm as you can, no matter what she throws at you. Whether that is tears, guilt, anger or a vase (joking, sorry :blush:). I hate to say it but your MIL knows exactly what she is doing, so don't be fooled by the manipulation that will face you this afternoon. 

Oh and one HUGE rule to remember. Don't apologise. Sounds strange but genuinely don't do it. You have nothing to be sorry for and if she gets you into the situation were she has you saying 'I'm sorry but...' or 'sorry I have upset you...', then she has managed to twist the conversation into something it isn't.

Be clear and calm. MIL you must know that things can not continue as they are and I wish that I'd been strong enough to nip things in the bud before they got this far. Understand that I need time to be a parent to MY child without interference or distraction. If I wish for you to visit or come somewhere with us, I will invite you. You know that as a woman, Wife and Mother you need time, space and boundaries to be respected. So be conscientious enough to understand that I need those things too.

Good luck, Hun. Don't back down, don't be made to feel guilty. Your baby, your home, your LIFE!


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## Palestrina

Good advice AmethystDream.


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## RedRose

Good luck, stay firm and stand your ground hun:hugs:


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## SarahSausage

Good luck. Stay strong until your message is heard loud & clear. Your bond with your baby us far mire important than her feelings-just remember that. X


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## Betheney

can't wait to hear how you go


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## CarlyP

Good luck let us know x


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## angel2010

Make sure to give us an update!


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## k4th

Hope it's going well. Good luck :flower:


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## Natasha2605

Hope it went okay xx


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## kes_a

wow thats sounds abit much! i no it might be horrible and might hurt her feelings but you will have to tell her blunty shes not allowed over as much.theres a thing as to much and she def is around to much.think she needs reminding shes the grandparent and not the mummy.


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## LeeBee

I've just read through everything, and I hope today goes well for you. Though I have a sneaking suspicion she may not react very well... so stay strong!

I know how awful that must make you feel. When I first went back to work after my son was born (he was 3 months) he spent 3 days a week, 10 hours a day at my MIL's house, and started doing similiar things. It bothered me so much I switched my entire work schedule around so that I only worked short shifts in the evening while DS could stay with my husband.

Good Luck!


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## Bubblefish

Well spoke to MIL yesterday, explained to her how i felt, her taking over when around, coming round all the time etc and she appologised and said she didnt do it on purpose and just enjoyed spending time with LO and didnt want to upset me as ive always been like a daughter to her, she went on to say that she didnt think id mind her being this way as her mum did it with her 3 children and she believed she was helping me. I thought it was going quite well but then she started saying things like, that i needed to understand though that LO was also her baby (wtf does that mean?) and that she doesnt wanna be the kind of grandma that only sees LO for a couple of hours here and there and that the thought of not seing LO much depresses her!


Im not quite sure if the situation has been resolved....i was left feeling a bit confused tbh!

*Forgot to add that i lived with OH for a few months about a year before having LO and we were REALY close(me and MIL), so i find it sooo hard having it out with her like this and just feel so guilty*


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## wishingonastar

Hmm sounds like she now knows you're not happy but she doesn't intend to change it as believes she's doing right thing and for her own selfish desire to see 'her baby' regularly!
If she wants another baby she needs to have another one not pinch yours!

Full credit to you for talking to her...hope things turn around soon :hugs:


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## binxyboo

Brilliant - so she has managed to turn it around on you. 
If you stop her seeing 'her baby' you will make her depressed!

I would start arranging to go out when she 'pops round'.


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## ShanandBoc

Well at least she knows how you feel now, so stick to your guns if she tries to come over, say u are busy, or needing quiet bonding time. And also make sure she knows to call before 'popping' over.

There's no excuses now, she knows where she stands. All the best!


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## AP

That's my MIL - I swear to god!!! :rofl: that's EXACTLY what she'd do, leaving me feel guilty. Be careful. Stick to your guns. This is YOUR baby, do not let ANYONE destroy this special time


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## clarsair

Or don't answer the door!

Very well done you though for having what was clearly a difficult conversation.


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## Murphy98

Good for you for speaking with her about it and it sounds to me like she handled it very well personally. I'm sure it would have been a very human reaction to get defensive, but it sounds like she tried to be understanding. 

I don't think LO is her baby (inert eye roll) but I don't think its weird for grandparents to want a close relationship with their grandchildren. Some families thrive on closeness with no harm done to anybody. Again, I think how much is too much is an individual thing - but keep in mind a good relationship with her is probably great for your little one and chances are it wont detract from how close your child is with you.

Hope things change for the better :flower:


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## AmethystDream

I really wouldn't back down, Hun. I know you feel guilty but that is how she wanted you to feel. She may have taken it calmly but she told you exactly what she wanted to; she intends to continue as she is.

So let's see... it was all accidental, it is the same as done to her, it was all to help you, you need to understand that she is HER baby and that visiting only for a few hours at a time, several times a week would make her depressed?

Flipping heck you are in a tough position. I hope to hell that you managed to correct her when she said that LO is her baby too because it sounds like she needs it made really clear: you may be her Grandma, but she is NOT your baby and you are NOT her Mother. 

Quick question for you, did you get anything along the lines of: 

Sorry, I don't want to make you feel this way/I didn't know I was doing that to you/I'll start to think about what I'm doing/I won't take over/I know I'm not her Mum/I'll wait to be invited/I won't spend as much time here/I won't invite myself to things?

Anything at all that was, not only an acknowledgement of what you said, but also a way forward to proceed? Because from what I have read, she gave you a few excuses for her behaviour, then laid on a guilt trip about how you shouldn't change her behaviour at all, whilst laying a claim on ownership on your child. Wow, talk about multitasking.

I have nothing against strong, close and loving relationships with Grandparents, but this woman appears to have a clear issue with staying within reasonable, respectable and, dare I say, normal boundaries. Sorry to say this, Hun, but I don't think that this chat may have had the desired effect and I wouldn't be expecting much to change. I hope I'm wrong, I genuinely do. Fingers crossed :flower:


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## bigbetty

Amethyst has put into words perfectly what my exact thoughts were on reading what happened! She has no intentions of changing and her claims that LO is HER baby is simply cuckoo!

Stay strong and stick to your guns love - you have got to make it clear you won't accept her interferring any longer xx


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## Siyren

i love amethystdreams post above- i think thats some great advice hun

well done for talking to her x


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## princess_bump

She turned it round to make you the bad guy :nope: sorry she know's exactly what she's doing, and that its upsetting you, but she's putting herself before you and your baby!! you need time for just you. 
i'd make it clearer to her, you will invite her round when YOU want! it's not fair on you putting the pressure on :hugs:
well done for talking to her, if she really feels your like a daughter then she will back off and understand she is NOT baby's mother and YOU make the decisions when baby see's her etc :hugs: a proper 'mother' (as in mil) would be able to understand and not want to upset her daughter (you) xx


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## Mya209

Just say to her you want to spend a few days a week alone with LO to have special Mum/baby time. That's fair enough right?


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## binxyboo

does she have a key to your place? If so, take it off her or put your door on the catch when you think she might come round.
If not - don't answer the door to her until she learns to call up and ask you if you are available.


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## Palestrina

Hmm, I know you think this conversation went well. But I agree with Amethyst that she turned it right around on you. A conversation does not go well just because everyone nods their head and smiles at you. Had she conceded, apologized, and promised to do things differently then I'd say success. But she didn't do that did she? Sounds like she told you that she has every right to do what she's doing.


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## buddyIV

Well done for having the courage to discuss this, you've done so well to try and resolve this issue, but I agree with Amethyst"s comments. Your MIL has simply made excuses for her behaviour, and then told you that if you try and change that behaviour you will be responsible for her feeling sad. This is unbelievably manipulative! She doesn't seem to care that what she is doing is having a negative effect on you, and that's really unfortunate. I feel for you hun :hugs:

I guess since you've tried talking it through with her, your only options are to try discussing it with her again, or take action (go out lots, dont answer the door/your phone, when she's there take LO into another room to feed and change her (maybe even one with a lock on it!), and be strong in taking LO back if you feel that she's been with MIL for too long).

I really hope you get some space from her soon! x


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## Bubblefish

Thankyou for all the responses. Another little update..

Found out tonight that MIL has been telling OH how upset i have made her feel and telling him how she never meant to cause any harm etc etc.

OHs response to this was to tell her he does think some of her behaviour is unacceptable but does not agree with her not coming round as LO is her grandchild and she has a right no see her whenever she wants.But told her that if this is to happen she must stop some of the things she is doing.

I feel so sad right now, i really dont know where to turn, i feel like such a bad person stopping her from seing lo asmuch, and it looks like she is going to get her way as she has managed to play the innocent!

:cry:


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## hb1

Send her a message with the day next week that you are happy for her to come round - and the time she can arrive. If she wants another day what about a weekend day when OH is there too - and maybe arrive for lunch and leaves by 4. 

Start dictating the days - you've had the conversation - she said she understood - ignore the guilt-trip - if she complains say that you told her how much her behaviour was depressing you and she said she understood and that it really needs to work on your terms.

Hope it works out for you - make sure you keep OH in the loop so he doesn't get any tales from MIL....

hx


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## angel2010

Bubblefish said:


> Thankyou for all the responses. Another little update..
> 
> Found out tonight that MIL has been telling OH how upset i have made her feel and telling him how she never meant to cause any harm etc etc.
> 
> OHs response to this was to tell her he does think some of her behaviour is unacceptable but does not agree with her not coming round as LO is her grandchild and she has a right no see her whenever she wants.But told her that if this is to happen she must stop some of the things she is doing.
> 
> I feel so sad right now, i really dont know where to turn, i feel like such a bad person stopping her from seing lo asmuch, and it looks like she is going to get her way as she has managed to play the innocent!
> 
> :cry:

I am sorry that is has turned out like this for you. I completely disagree that grandparents have a right to see grandchildren whenever they want. You are her mother, so you whould have some say! TBH I wish I could slap you oh around a little. He needs to understand how much this is affecting you. 

I completely agrre with Amethyst on every thing she said. Also, you have got to stand up for yourself in regard to your oh and your mil or you will just continue to be miserable. I hope you all can come to some kind of agreemant. Good luck!!


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## angel2010

hb1 said:


> Send her a message with the day next week that you are happy for her to come round - and the time she can arrive. If she wants another day what about a weekend day when OH is there too - and maybe arrive for lunch and leaves by 4.

This is a great idea. Keep the ball in your court and let her know you mean business.


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## stardust599

I really feel for you. She shouldn't be allowed to steal away your bond with LO and she knows exactly what she's doing :-(

You really need to do something about it or it will be your biggest regret sweetie, you'll never get this special time with your LO back.

Lock the door, shut the curtains and only let her in when you've invited her. If she asks why you didn't answer just say you were busy with LO or sleeping etc. If she tells you she's coming round tell her "No sorry, I have plans" no other explanation is needing.
xx


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## Bubblefish

I deffinately intend to do something about it, there is no way this is going to carry on. Why should i be this miserable and loose sleep every night over it?!


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## Palestrina

It sounds like your OH is the bigger problem. I can't believe he things that his mother should be able to see the baby whenever she wants to. Unless you 2 get on the same page you will have a hard time getting rid of that woman.


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## emzky90

Oh dear, did you tell your OH that mil thinks your baby is also "her baby" thats just weird behaviour. You need to say look, I don't care for your silly games- she's my baby not yours and you'll see her when I say you can! God i'd be so angry!


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## emzky90

were abouts in uk are you hun as we could arrange some days out or somethin =]


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## stardust599

You shouldn't have to be miserable and you shouldn't have to miss out with YOUR baby. Your MIL has brought up her own child/children - she doesn't have the right to bring up your baby too.

Can you text her? I always find it easier to say stuff in text. She knows how you feel now so I would just stick to it. Send her a message tonight saying -

"Hey, me + LO got plans tomorrow and going to have some nice Mummy and baby time together over the weekend, would you like to pop in one afternoon next week?"

Then tomorrow once OH is gone lock your door and shut the curtain (you shouldn't have to I know but I think you'll have to in the meantime). If she comes to the door just don't answer and if she asks you about it later say "Sorry, I said we had plans, was busy getting LO ready to go out for the day, u could pop in next week".

Just keep repeating yourself and setting the boundaries xx


----------



## angel2010

stardust599 said:


> Just keep repeating yourself and setting the boundaries xx

This definitely!


----------



## Babydance

I had this issue kind of... i didnt answer when the phone/door rang and just played upstairs with LO. I know this is awful but if people want to visit me they need to let me know first! Dont turn up then slag me/my house for being untidy when i didnt even know i was expecting company!!!
Its YOUR baby hun, avoid contact for a week and see how things go. Can you take your LO away for a weeks holiday? maybe to visit family elsewhere get a bit of time together and let her know she isnt your LO's mother! xxx


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## emzky90

God hun if she thinks your Los her baby too then she'll probably be telling LO that (even if lo doesnt understand)


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Thankyou for all the responses. Another little update..
> 
> Found out tonight that MIL has been telling OH how upset i have made her feel and telling him how she never meant to cause any harm etc etc.
> 
> OHs response to this was to tell her he does think some of her behaviour is unacceptable but does not agree with her not coming round as LO is her grandchild and she has a right no see her whenever she wants.But told her that if this is to happen she must stop some of the things she is doing.
> 
> I feel so sad right now, i really dont know where to turn, i feel like such a bad person stopping her from seing lo asmuch, and it looks like she is going to get her way as she has managed to play the innocent!
> 
> :cry:

OK, OH needs a kick up the rear end but that can be dealt with later. He can not dictate how you will spend your days, who will invade your space, your company and your role as a Mother. As the other ladies have said, this is the point where you have to put your MILs feelings aside and take control. 

You know why her feelings don't count anymore? Because you aren't responsible for how she feels, she doesn't give a damn how YOU feel and she is willing to continue with her manipulative horrible behaviour at your expense despite you now making her aware, face to face, that it is affecting you. From now on that crappy conversation she had with your OH tells you all you need to know. It was her ensuring that DS had her back against you! That is completely out of line in so many ways.

So now you are the keymaster. Sounds dramatic but go all 'Ghostbusters' on her ass. You will text/phone/email her and make a playdate. You only make them when you want her to be there and have set times for when you will be there or what time you have to do something afterwards. If she turns up unannounced you have options; you either don't answer the door, answer but tell her that you are just leaving *maybe she should phone next time to make sure* or, the hardest option, answer and say Ah, you should have checked first, I'm busy! *I'll call you when you can visit*. Leave it vague, leave it with you in control and don't let her badger you. The bits in bold leave you in control.

If she calls and suggests a time, unless it is just right for you the answer is no. Put on a regretful voice: Sorry MIL, that just doesn't work for us! *I'll call you when I have a better time*. If she continues to badger you, play her at her own game. Act hurt that she would question your decision cut the conversation short and do it on your terms. 

Sorry to say, she will continue this. She will do her very best to carry on exactly the same way and will bitch behind your back to OH at every turn. You are now, sadly, on the path that many of us are. It isn't your fault, it isn't anything that you have done/not done/said. Chances are this is the first time that you have had to tell her no to something that she has decided she wants and now you see her true colours. To be honest, the fact that the conversation with your OH took place at all should put you on your guard. This woman is not your friend, she is your OHs Mum, a woman who is disregarding your feelings and being deliberately disrespectful about every role that you play in your life. Treat her with these things in mind... would you allow _anybody_ else to do this to you? Would you allow anybody to do this to your OH?

Best way to get OH on side? Let him see for himself. When you are both together and she is there have a signal for him when she is taking over/acting inappropriately/distracting LO. It is his job to step in when you highlight her behaviour in front of him. You WILL get there, but you have to be strong. You have made the first and hardest step and she has shown how she intends to proceed. We are here to give you as much support as you need no matter what decision you make and a place to vent when you need to. Carry on being the excellent Mum that you are to LO and continue to take care of yourself by standing up for your family.


----------



## Bubblefish

emzky90 said:


> were abouts in uk are you hun as we could arrange some days out or somethin =]

Newcastle x


----------



## skydragonfly

MMmmm, I feel a mass baby and bump invasion of Newcastle coming on... Good on you for standing your ground. She sounds like a petulant child, turning the tables. Yes she may be the grandparents but that does not give her any right to total access to YOUR child. Hugs. xxxx


----------



## wishingonastar

i think either get OH onboard, or do one of two things:
- have another firm talk with MIL making it clear it's your way or else
- or be strategic in having baby groups to attend, coffee dates, shopping, or simply pretending to not be in! I had a delivery man ring the bell 4 times today cos i think he could hear tv on but i ignored it cos i had emily asleep on lap and no intention of disturbing her! Either park your car in an adjacent road so she thinks your out as well as having front door locked, or just say you were out with buggy if she mentions she called by. Handy tip - have phone on low ring else people like my dad have been known to ring when stood outside front door and could hear it ringing in house!!!

Going out or hiding from her is stressful and not ideal so i hope you solve this a more positive way but ultimately you just need the outcome that lets you maintain your motherly, unique bond with LO :hugs:


----------



## Bubblefish

AmethystDream said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Thankyou for all the responses. Another little update..
> 
> Found out tonight that MIL has been telling OH how upset i have made her feel and telling him how she never meant to cause any harm etc etc.
> 
> OHs response to this was to tell her he does think some of her behaviour is unacceptable but does not agree with her not coming round as LO is her grandchild and she has a right no see her whenever she wants.But told her that if this is to happen she must stop some of the things she is doing.
> 
> I feel so sad right now, i really dont know where to turn, i feel like such a bad person stopping her from seing lo asmuch, and it looks like she is going to get her way as she has managed to play the innocent!
> 
> :cry:
> 
> OK, OH needs a kick up the rear end but that can be dealt with later. He can not dictate how you will spend your days, who will invade your space, your company and your role as a Mother. As the other ladies have said, this is the point where you have to put your MILs feelings aside and take control.
> 
> You know why her feelings don't count anymore? Because you aren't responsible for how she feels, she doesn't give a damn how YOU feel and she is willing to continue with her manipulative horrible behaviour at your expense despite you now making her aware, face to face, that it is affecting you. From now on that crappy conversation she had with your OH tells you all you need to know. It was her ensuring that DS had her back against you! That is completely out of line in so many ways.
> 
> So now you are the keymaster. Sounds dramatic but go all 'Ghostbusters' on her ass. You will text/phone/email her and make a playdate. You only make them when you want her to be there and have set times for when you will be there or what time you have to do something afterwards. If she turns up unannounced you have options; you either don't answer the door, answer but tell her that you are just leaving *maybe she should phone next time to make sure* or, the hardest option, answer and say Ah, you should have checked first, I'm busy! *I'll call you when you can visit*. Leave it vague, leave it with you in control and don't let her badger you. The bits in bold leave you in control.
> 
> If she calls and suggests a time, unless it is just right for you the answer is no. Put on a regretful voice: Sorry MIL, that just doesn't work for us! *I'll call you when I have a better time*. If she continues to badger you, play her at her own game. Act hurt that she would question your decision cut the conversation short and do it on your terms.
> 
> Sorry to say, she will continue this. She will do her very best to carry on exactly the same way and will bitch behind your back to OH at every turn. You are now, sadly, on the path that many of us are. It isn't your fault, it isn't anything that you have done/not done/said. Chances are this is the first time that you have had to tell her no to something that she has decided she wants and now you see her true colours. To be honest, the fact that the conversation with your OH took place at all should put you on your guard. This woman is not your friend, she is your OHs Mum, a woman who is disregarding your feelings and being deliberately disrespectful about every role that you play in your life. Treat her with these things in mind... would you allow _anybody_ else to do this to you? Would you allow anybody to do this to you OH?
> 
> Best way to get OH on side? Let him see for himself. When you are both together and she is there have a signal for him when she is taking over/acting inappropriately/distracting LO. It is his job to step in when you highlight her behaviour in front of him. You WILL get there, but you have to be strong. You have made the first and hardest step and she has shown how she intends to proceed. We are here to give you as much support as you need no matter what decision you make and a place to vent when you need to. Carry on being the excellent Mum that you are to LO and continue to take care of yourself by standing up for your family.Click to expand...

Thankyou so much for all your wonderfull advice.

I am so glad to have a place to come to and let out all of my feelings.

I have decided i will tell mil she can come over to see LO on a certain day (maybe 2) and if she tries to come over other days i will either not answer the door or i will tell her ive already made plans, which i am actually going to do as would like to get out the house more anyway. 

I do feel bad as i has such a great relationship with my grandparents and dont want to deprive lo of this but i know its for the best me doing this as the relationship i have with lo is more important and needs to come first.

I just need to get my oh to understand now.


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## bigbetty

Don't ask for his approval or understanding, simply tell OH your intentions and that he needs to back you up because you are his partner and stop clinging to his mother's apron strings! 

It doesn't matter if he thinks his mum should be able to visit when she likes, he isn't the one who has to suffer them!


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Thankyou so much for all your wonderfull advice.
> 
> I am so glad to have a place to come to and let out all of my feelings.
> 
> I have decided i will tell mil she can have come over to see LO on a certain day (maybe 2) and if she tries to come over other days i will either not answer the door or i will tell her ive already made plans, which i am actually going to do as would like to get out the house more anyway.
> 
> I do feel bad as i has such a great relationship with my grandparents and dont want to deprive lo of this but i know its for the best me doing this as the relationship i have with lo is more important and needs to come first.
> 
> I just need to get my oh to understand now.

No problem at all and anytime. 

It took a long time for my OH to see just how destructive and underhanded his Mother was being but now that he does see things are so much better. The best advice I can give is to put your family first - you, OH and LO. If someone is a positive thing for your family unit, you will obviously go out of your way to have those people on your lives as much as possible. When someone is negative, causes harm or attempts to interfere with the relationships within your little family (between you and LO & you and OH, in this case), then limit your families contact with that person and set hard strong boundaries. If OH can't do this yet, it falls to you. It shouldn't, it's his Mother! But sometimes we have to step up to people like this, look them in the eye and tell them no more.

We are here for you :thumbup:


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## Lellow

To be honest, this situation should never have come about...

She to was a first time mum, so should know too well how you must be feeling.

I dont understand how some people dont read the signs that there not wanted somewhere almost every single day...seriously beggars belief.

Dont feel down Bubble, but i think the only thing that can resolve this atmosphere is to sit down and really open up to her and lay some ground rules.

:hugs:


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## angel2010

Now that you have a plan, sick to it and stand firm!


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## MissRoxie

I agree you just need to be strong and stick to your guns!! :grr:


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## ShanandBoc

Great advice Amethyst!! Follow her advice bubble!! :)


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## AlwaysPraying

What you want it totally reasonable. It does sound to me like you are a bit afraid of confrotation. Which is totally normal and ok! You want her to understand and you want her to comply and you want her to be happy about it too (every single person wants this by the way) Unfortunately when you change things on people they may get upset. That doesn't mean your a bad person or the relationship will even change. It just means that she's been hurt but she will get over it. We all go through stuff like this at some point. 

Standing uP for what you need is important and empowering but very scary just the same. I always seem to appologise for sticking up for myself with people because I feel so bad. Ugh it's a bother! But at least knowing what's behind it may help get through it.


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## angel2010

AlwaysPraying said:


> What you want it totally reasonable. It does sound to me like you are a bit afraid of confrotation. Which is totally normal and ok! You want her to understand and you want her to comply and you want her to be happy about it too (every single person wants this by the way) Unfortunately when you change things on people they may get upset. That doesn't mean your a bad person or the relationship will even change. It just means that she's been hurt but she will get over it. We all go through stuff like this at some point.
> 
> Standing uP for what you need is important and empowering but very scary just the same. I always seem to appologise for sticking up for myself with people because I feel so bad. Ugh it's a bother! But at least knowing what's behind it may help get through it.

Exactly, she will get over it. She loves lo too much not to.


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## GeorgeyGal

I havent had a chance to read all the posts so I may be repeating what advice has already been given but..what I would do have a think about a schedule that YOU would like and stick to it, that way everyone knows the score. Easier said than done at first probably by the sounds of it but stick to it and it will get easier as MIL realises thats how its going to be. Plus you both will be happier and more relaxed around each other. Hope you get things worked out soon! x


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## nm123

Any updates since the weekend OP? I've been reading with interest as I suspect I'll have similar issues with my own mother when our baby arrives later this year!


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## k4th

I completely age with amythest's post. 

I don't even know your mil but the things I've heard make me so cross!! Some people have a warped view of the world & think it revolves around them! Your mil sounds like one of these people! Stick to your guns hun & when it's hard, just remember how far you've come!! If u give in she will think you're all talk & you'll have to do this over & over again. This is her problem, leave the guilt, blame & responsibility firmly with her And dint take it on yourself. 

& I know this is childish & I shouldn't say it (but I feel so cross about her so I will anyway)... If she carries on you could always accidentally post here phone number on here :haha: she might get just one or two calls!

Enjoy the free time u now have with lo xxx


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## ShanandBoc

haha yeh we will all sort her out!! Just jokes :) x


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## Betheney

i too hope to hear how you go and my fingers are crossed the situation improves


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## Bubblefish

Hi, well so far so good, i have started taking lo out more and i am realy enjoying being out of the house more and spending time enjoying my daughter :cloud9:

MIL turned up yesterday (tuesday) and i was just about to go out, told her she could see lo on friday as not doing anything then but that the next few days i have already made plans. She did not seem happy by this and started going on about how much she will miss lo not seing her until friday and asked if she could have her for a bit that day then since she would not see her until friday, i said no sorry ive already arranged to meet up with a few people at the local baby club and proceeded to get lo dressed and then went out and felt GREAT! I have to admit though i did feel sooooooo guilty and was tempted to say she could come over the next day but i didnt, i thought if i did that we would just be back to square one! So she said well can i take lo out on friday then (meaning instead of just coming to visit) so i agreed that she could take lo for a few hours on friday. 
To be honest i dont like her taking her, not just because its her, just because i hate being away from lo, when im with her i am so happy and i just love spending time together and doing mummy things :) but i thought id just agree as i suppose it would give me a chance to catch up with housework etc and also oh says 'its normal for grandparent to want to take lo's away for a few hours, its what they do' which makes me think ok maybe it would be mean for me to not let her do this, i just hope she doesnt want to take her ALL THE TIME!! 

Sorry that wasnt meant to be that long, thanks for reading x


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## bigbetty

Well done you! :hugs:

There is no harm in letting your MIL have LO for a few hours, but don't let her manipulate you into doing it every time! If you don't feel comfortable with it, just let it happen every now and then xx


----------



## Betheney

Bubblefish said:


> Hi, well so far so good, i have started taking lo out more and i am realy enjoying being out of the house more and spending time enjoying my daughter :cloud9:
> 
> MIL turned up yesterday (tuesday) and i was just about to go out, told her she could see lo on friday as not doing anything then but that the next few days i have already made plans. She did not seem happy by this and started going on about how much she will miss lo not seing her until friday and asked if she could have her for a bit that day then since she would not see her until friday, i said no sorry ive already arranged to meet up with a few people at the local baby club and proceeded to get lo dressed and then went out and felt GREAT! I have to admit though i did feel sooooooo guilty and was tempted to say she could come over the next day but i didnt, i thought if i did that we would just be back to square one! So she said well can i take lo out on friday then (meaning instead of just coming to visit) so i agreed that she could take lo for a few hours on friday.
> To be honest i dont like her taking her, not just because its her, just because i hate being away from lo, when im with her i am so happy and i just love spending time together and doing mummy things :) but i thought id just agree as i suppose it would give me a chance to catch up with housework etc and also oh says 'its normal for grandparent to want to take lo's away for a few hours, its what they do' which makes me think ok maybe it would be mean for me to not let her do this, i just hope she doesnt want to take her ALL THE TIME!!
> 
> Sorry that wasnt meant to be that long, thanks for reading x

This is fantastic!! After a few weeks of her having to let you call the shots it will stick as a habit. I know your not 100% happy about MIL taking baby away just to spend time with her, but i think without creating a bad relationship between you and your MIL you have to have a slight compromise. I'm very proud you stuck to your guns though! congrats! i also can't beleive after everything she still turned up unnanounced. I think after a few weeks of this she will get used to the reduced amount of visits and you should be able to have the alone time at home that you originally wanted as well. I also just wanted to mention that you have to keep the original problem in your mind at all times. The original problem was the connection between you and your lo and the fact you had no alone time. Even though your mil is now taking out lo you have won the original problems! which is good news!!! unless your MIL is using the "can i take the baby out" as a last mind game to prove she can still win fights. I also think it's odd that because her time with baby has been reduced she needs to improve the small amount of time they have by being alone without you, i do think thats a little off, but like i said pick your battles and we've had such a huge improvement so far and i'm super proud of how you stood your ground. Hope things get much better here on out.

Love


----------



## angel2010

Wow, well done!!! I have been anxious to hear how this was going. I am so happy to hear you are standing your ground. Grandparents taking lo out is "normal" if you are okay with it, but it is not if you are not okay with it, iykwim. It is perfectly fine if you are not okay letting lo go without you. She is your baby, you wont get this time back so do it YOUR way. Again well done!!!


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## cowboys angel

Nope. I don't. 

But I do think you need to just flat out tell her to fuck off.


----------



## tu123

That is fab news! Keep up with it hun. As you said if you dont stick to your guns you will soon end up back at square one again.


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## stardust599

That's good news!

Well done you, you will be so much happier and will be able to get closer to LO and build a stronger bond.

If you are okay with MIL taking LO out for a few hours then that's okay too. Maybe set a time limit on her, say she picks her up after lunch and bring her back by 5pm so you can spend a couple of hours alone with her before bed? And to stop MIL asking all the time you could suggest doing it again in a couple of weeks, if your own parents want to spend time with her you could alternate weeks - like one Friday afternoon MIL has LO for 2/3hours and the next Friday your own parents have her? And any other time they have to visit with you there, that way you are getting plenty of alone time with LO, a few visits too and also you get a few hours on a Friday afternoon to catch up on housework or treat yourself.

Well done you, don't let it slip - just remember how hard it was and that you're not going back now xx


----------



## Bubblefish

cowboys angel said:


> *Nope. I don't. *
> 
> But I do think you need to just flat out tell her to fuck off.

You don't what? x


----------



## Faffalina

Brilliant, sounds like she will take the hint in no time  Of course you want your LO to have a normal loving relationship with her grandmother - but mil ought to want LO to enjoy a normal relationship with her MOTHER. YOU. 

Well done xx


----------



## BabaPu

Bubblefish said:


> Hi, well so far so good, i have started taking lo out more and i am realy enjoying being out of the house more and spending time enjoying my daughter :cloud9:
> 
> MIL turned up yesterday (tuesday) and i was just about to go out, told her she could see lo on friday as not doing anything then but that the next few days i have already made plans. She did not seem happy by this and started going on about how much she will miss lo not seing her until friday and asked if she could have her for a bit that day then since she would not see her until friday, i said no sorry ive already arranged to meet up with a few people at the local baby club and proceeded to get lo dressed and then went out and felt GREAT! I have to admit though i did feel sooooooo guilty and was tempted to say she could come over the next day but i didnt, i thought if i did that we would just be back to square one! So she said well can i take lo out on friday then (meaning instead of just coming to visit) so i agreed that she could take lo for a few hours on friday.
> To be honest i dont like her taking her, not just because its her, just because i hate being away from lo, when im with her i am so happy and i just love spending time together and doing mummy things :) but i thought id just agree as i suppose it would give me a chance to catch up with housework etc and also oh says 'its normal for grandparent to want to take lo's away for a few hours, its what they do' which makes me think ok maybe it would be mean for me to not let her do this, i just hope she doesnt want to take her ALL THE TIME!!
> 
> Sorry that wasnt meant to be that long, thanks for reading x


Well done you for not backing down - just reiterating what the other girls have said that you have dealt really well with the difficult situation you have been placed in.

Some people might think its 'normal' for grandparents to want to take lo's away but that's not what's important. What is important is whether YOU want that, and if you don't then stick to your guns. Its a little unfortunate that your OH isn't completely understanding of the situation - especially seeing as he doesn't have to deal with the MIL when she pops round.

I think some MIL's have no understanding of boundaries. In one of your posts you said that she had thought you wouldn't mind as her mum did the same with her children. That's the point though isn't it? It was HER mum and not her MIL.

Hey I'm also in the North East so if you ever feel the need to meet up and grumble feel free.


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## Blondie2008

Totally agree with what's being said here. BUT just keep in mind that a good grandparent/grandchild bond is rare these days - so many people seem to think its 'freaky'. My daughter is so close to both sets of parents and really play a big part in her upbringing. 

Of course yours is interfering too much and its good that you are telling her to back off 
Just don't lose the bond all together xx


----------



## k4th

Fantastic news!!! Well done :happydance:

So pleased you're enjoying time with your LO & getting out n about to baby groups without MIL. 

I hope you also enjoy your spare time whilst MIL has LO on friday - forget the housework and put your feet up! You deserve to what with being a new Mum & battling the MIL!

:flower:


----------



## Lysal

Just want to say you are doing the right thing and stay strong. I wanted to give you a little insight from another prespective. As a child my grandparents lived with my parents and I and so were always there as I was growing up. Although I loved my grandparents very much there were so many times I wished they would go away so I could have 1 to 1 time with my mother (they were her parents so were there more when she was). At times I really resented them interfeering in my relationship with her, although I know they tried not to.
I wanted to tell you this so if anyone tries to make you feel guilty about needing 1:1 time with your LO know she also needs 1:1 time with you so you are doing whats best for her, and in a way it may help her relationship with your MIL in stopping her feel the way I did about having precious time with parents stolen.


----------



## AlwaysPraying

Bubblefish said:


> Hi, well so far so good, i have started taking lo out more and i am realy enjoying being out of the house more and spending time enjoying my daughter :cloud9:
> 
> MIL turned up yesterday (tuesday) and i was just about to go out, told her she could see lo on friday as not doing anything then but that the next few days i have already made plans. She did not seem happy by this and started going on about how much she will miss lo not seing her until friday and asked if she could have her for a bit that day then since she would not see her until friday, i said no sorry ive already arranged to meet up with a few people at the local baby club and proceeded to get lo dressed and then went out and felt GREAT! I have to admit though i did feel sooooooo guilty and was tempted to say she could come over the next day but i didnt, i thought if i did that we would just be back to square one! So she said well can i take lo out on friday then (meaning instead of just coming to visit) so i agreed that she could take lo for a few hours on friday.
> To be honest i dont like her taking her, not just because its her, just because i hate being away from lo, when im with her i am so happy and i just love spending time together and doing mummy things :) but i thought id just agree as i suppose it would give me a chance to catch up with housework etc and also oh says 'its normal for grandparent to want to take lo's away for a few hours, its what they do' which makes me think ok maybe it would be mean for me to not let her do this, i just hope she doesnt want to take her ALL THE TIME!!
> 
> Sorry that wasnt meant to be that long, thanks for reading x

Wow, this sounds so good! This is way more reasonable and normal! Good for you for standing up for what you want. And not wanting to be away from baby is totally normal, but I think you'll find that you'll recharge and be so much better for it. Also, grandma will get a better appreciation of her special relationship with baby, and not just always being around.


----------



## hb1

Well done :thumbup: Def stick to your guns - and if you want to limit the amount of times that she takes LO just on her own then when she suggests it the next time just say something along the lines of " oh - I thought we could all go to x place - would be nice for all 3 of us to be together " - she would have to be v unreasonable to say no to that and doing something together is a positive thing - it's not just her sat there cooing over your baby - and she can have some nice photo ops of her out with LO and you somewhere nice :)

hx


----------



## bunnyg82

I have just seen this thread and so glad to get to the last page and see that you have been assertive with your MIL. I can understand that you might feel a little bit guilty, but you definitely have to nip it in the bud now otherwise it would just get out of hand.

If you want an example to show that you are doing the right thing, my MIL was like this with my SIL and her daughter and 10 years later, my neice would much rather be with MIL, won't go away with her mum (my SIL) unless my MIL is with her and just clearly prefers her Nan to her Mum. I have learnt greatly from that situation and will not be letting the same happen with my son! 

Good for you, keep it up, be strong x


----------



## Betheney

bunnyg82 said:


> I have just seen this thread and so glad to get to the last page and see that you have been assertive with your MIL. I can understand that you might feel a little bit guilty, but you definitely have to nip it in the bud now otherwise it would just get out of hand.
> 
> If you want an example to show that you are doing the right thing, my MIL was like this with my SIL and her daughter and 10 years later, my neice would much rather be with MIL, won't go away with her mum (my SIL) unless my MIL is with her and just clearly prefers her Nan to her Mum. I have learnt greatly from that situation and will not be letting the same happen with my son!
> 
> Good for you, keep it up, be strong x

That's so sad, but i'm glad you can learn from your SILs mistakes and bubblefish too has caught this problem early on.

This site is amazing for support.


----------



## Bubblefish

Thanks everyone for the amazing support, dont know what i'd do without this site :cloud9:

Well MIL turned up at 8.30!! without calling! I know i agreed she could take her today but why turn up so blumin early! Anyway when she got here lo's bottle was warming in the jug, mil hung up her coat and walked over to the bottle and tested it and said 'oh its done' and started walking over to lo to pick her up, she picked her up and sat down and was about to feed her her first bottle (which i love giving to lo as she snuggles right in) so anyway i thought no way, walked over and said to lo 'come on then bottle time' and took her. I didnt look at mil as i can imagine her face would not have been happy! ofcourse she sat next to me and chatted, touched lo etc the WHOLE time but i just ignored her and snuggled lo in closer so that she didnt try and go to mil again like last time!
She then changed her nappy as i went upstairs to get los clothes but i didnt mind as turned out lo had poo'ed haha!! 
So anyway they just left and i miss lo like mad but i know lo will have a nice time getting spoiled all day and i get some time to get the house nice and clean for when she returns. oh that reminds me of one last thing, i asked mil what time she was thinking of bringing lo back and she said 'later on sometime' so i said well i need her back by 3 at the latest as im taking her round to see a friend, she said that was fine so we shall see what happens.


----------



## tommyg

OMG thank god for breastfeeding, golf and holidays!

I have just found this thread and read my way through it. Early on I was having issues with my MIL turning up when she fancied or phoning and telling me 'I'll be round tomorrow' so I took to leaving my phone in the bottom of my bag and going out! It's there for my convience NOT for anybody elses. When she ran i wouldn't hear it under my spare nappies....then she took the hint and the weather got better so she started playing more golf and having more holidays. Anyway that kind of sorted my issues. Still bugs me when she calls him 'her boy'.

Well Done you for getting a result when she returns I would tell her you'll pop round over the weekend ie a family visit. Your choice after that but I'd be tempted to say 'See you next Friday at 10 o'clock'

Can't believe she came round so early - I must be a lazy mum - I'm not out of bed yet! Ok LO had me up loads during the night.

You've had loads of great advice 'stick with your guns!' You have what she wants, make it work to your advantage, good luck!


----------



## bigbetty

Bubblefish said:


> Thanks everyone for the amazing support, dont know what i'd do without this site :cloud9:
> 
> Well MIL turned up at 8.30!! without calling! I know i agreed she could take her today but why turn up so blumin early! Anyway when she got here lo's bottle was warming in the jug, mil hung up her coat and walked over to the bottle and tested it and said 'oh its done' and started walking over to lo to pick her up, she picked her up and sat down and was about to feed her her first bottle (which i love giving to lo as she snuggles right in) so anyway i thought no way, walked over and said to lo 'come on then bottle time' and took her. I didnt look at mil as i can imagine her face would not have been happy! ofcourse she sat next to me and chatted, touched lo etc the WHOLE time but i just ignored her and snuggled lo in closer so that she didnt try and go to mil again like last time!
> She then changed her nappy as i went upstairs to get los clothes but i didnt mind as turned out lo had poo'ed haha!!
> So anyway they just left and i miss lo like mad but i know lo will have a nice time getting spoiled all day and i get some time to get the house nice and clean for when she returns. oh that reminds me of one last thing, i asked mil what time she was thinking of bringing lo back and she said 'later on sometime' so i said well i need her back by 3 at the latest as im taking her round to see a friend, she said that was fine so we shall see what happens.

Good for you! At least you know that next time you need to agree a time for her to arrive, but each visit will be a learning curve xx


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## Palestrina

Showing up at 8:30eh? It seems this woman is bound and determined to push her boundaries. It sounds like 2 steps forward 1 step back with her. Be really really careful.


----------



## Betheney

Bubblefish said:


> Thanks everyone for the amazing support, dont know what i'd do without this site :cloud9:
> 
> Well MIL turned up at 8.30!! without calling! I know i agreed she could take her today but why turn up so blumin early! Anyway when she got here lo's bottle was warming in the jug, mil hung up her coat and walked over to the bottle and tested it and said 'oh its done' and started walking over to lo to pick her up, she picked her up and sat down and was about to feed her her first bottle (which i love giving to lo as she snuggles right in) so anyway i thought no way, walked over and said to lo 'come on then bottle time' and took her. I didnt look at mil as i can imagine her face would not have been happy! ofcourse she sat next to me and chatted, touched lo etc the WHOLE time but i just ignored her and snuggled lo in closer so that she didnt try and go to mil again like last time!
> She then changed her nappy as i went upstairs to get los clothes but i didnt mind as turned out lo had poo'ed haha!!
> So anyway they just left and i miss lo like mad but i know lo will have a nice time getting spoiled all day and i get some time to get the house nice and clean for when she returns. oh that reminds me of one last thing, i asked mil what time she was thinking of bringing lo back and she said 'later on sometime' so i said well i need her back by 3 at the latest as im taking her round to see a friend, she said that was fine so we shall see what happens.

Good for you for sticking to your guns!! it must of been difficult and i'm sure your heart was pumping while you did it but it will all be for the best! your MIL must learn that you are the babies mother and you call the shots. You really had to do it. If your MIL is going to be taking LO for such long periods of time i would limit it to one day a week. I mean say 9am-3pm is a LONG time. It sucks that she has to take her away i spend 24/7 with Eva and just couldn't imagine doing anything else without her

<3


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## tommyg

Did she bring her back for 3pm? 

I agree with others 8.30-3.00 is a long time when I think about it - it's longer than a school day!


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## Mizze

Bubblefish - havent posted on here before but have been reading from the start - well done, really really well done - you have done the hardest bit which is standing up to her. Sounds like the controlling old bag (sorry!) will try and push each and every limit you set - BUT if she does bring back your LO later than 3 then you have the perfect excuse for limiting her time next time - stick to your guns and dont let her rule you

Your baby - not hers!

Mizze xxxx :hug:


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## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Thanks everyone for the amazing support, dont know what i'd do without this site :cloud9:
> 
> Well MIL turned up at 8.30!! without calling! I know i agreed she could take her today but why turn up so blumin early! Anyway when she got here lo's bottle was warming in the jug, mil hung up her coat and walked over to the bottle and tested it and said 'oh its done' and started walking over to lo to pick her up, she picked her up and sat down and was about to feed her her first bottle (which i love giving to lo as she snuggles right in) so anyway i thought no way, walked over and said to lo 'come on then bottle time' and took her. I didnt look at mil as i can imagine her face would not have been happy! ofcourse she sat next to me and chatted, touched lo etc the WHOLE time but i just ignored her and snuggled lo in closer so that she didnt try and go to mil again like last time!
> She then changed her nappy as i went upstairs to get los clothes but i didnt mind as turned out lo had poo'ed haha!!
> So anyway they just left and i miss lo like mad but i know lo will have a nice time getting spoiled all day and i get some time to get the house nice and clean for when she returns. oh that reminds me of one last thing, i asked mil what time she was thinking of bringing lo back and she said 'later on sometime' so i said well i need her back by 3 at the latest as im taking her round to see a friend, she said that was fine so we shall see what happens.

OK, you are doing so well and being so strong but now we are entering phase 2. MIL is pushing her boundaries as hard and as far as she can get. Questioning when she can come when you have just told her and then turning up at 8.30 and trying to take over again?!

Right, first things first. Compromise is indeed the path to peaceful living BUT if and only if the person you are dealing with is reasonable and will compromise with you too. You aren't in this situation, you are trying to establish rules and boundaries with a woman who doesn't, and it appears won't, respect them.

If you aren't happy with her being alone with LO (or more to the point you being away from your LO), now is the time to express that and/or stop it from happening. You have let it happen once and if it keeps happening she will keep pushing for more and more. I really hope that she brought your little girl back when she was supposed to. You did exactly right jumping on her "later on sometime", if she brought her back at all it would be 'later on sometime' :dohh: Personally I would have limited her to 2 or 3 hours, especially considering the time she turned up and her little disrespect fest this morning, but you did a great job considering that it was thrown on you like that on the spur of the moment. 

Time to reiterate your position. If she did come back with LO later than instructed or tried to stay there with you/come out with you afterwards, then you needed to stamp on it hard. If she did come back on time and left immediately (which I doubt) then establish a time when you will see her next. If she insists on 'alone time' with LO again then nip this in the bud. This is her new way of being in control, to take you out of the equation all together when she is with your Daughter. Tell her just how very much you missed LO today and that you couldn't possibly have her away from you for that period of time again. Keep strong, stay in control of the situation and enjoy your time with your gorgeous little girly :flower:


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## Bubblefish

Well mil returned with lo around 2.30 which was good :) she then stayed for about an hour. When she left though she asked if she could have lo 2moro! I said no as i had already made plans (which i have - going shopping with my mum) and she said ah right then what about sunday?? argh!! I was trying to think of an excuse as dont want her having lo sunday but havnt actually made plans when oh steps in (home early from work) and says 'yeah thats fine, were not realy doing anything sunday anyway are we?' Well i didnt know what to say then, i felt put on the spot so i just said 'erm no but....ill txt u and let you know'

Argh!!!!


----------



## pam100

Bubblefish said:


> Well mil returned with lo around 2.30 which was good :) she then stayed for about an hour. When she left though she asked if she could have lo 2moro! I said no as i had already made plans (which i have - going shopping with my mum) and she said ah right then what about sunday?? argh!! I was trying to think of an excuse as dont want her having lo sunday but havnt actually made plans when oh steps in (home early from work) and says 'yeah thats fine, were not realy doing anything sunday anyway are we?' Well i didnt know what to say then, i felt put on the spot so i just said 'erm no but....ill txt u and let you know'
> 
> Argh!!!!

:dohh: Oh how annoying! OH's really do not get it at all. Your MIL is clearly not getting the picture or she wouldn't have asked to have her tomorrow or Sunday, you need to put your foot down. 

YOUR BABY YOUR RULES!!!


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## booflebump

Just tell her no, you are having a family day together :thumbup: She's had her one full day which is far more than most grandparents get at your LO's age :hugs:


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## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Well mil returned with lo around 2.30 which was good :) she then stayed for about an hour. When she left though she asked if she could have lo 2moro! I said no as i had already made plans (which i have - going shopping with my mum) and she said ah right then what about sunday?? argh!! I was trying to think of an excuse as dont want her having lo sunday but havnt actually made plans when oh steps in (home early from work) and says 'yeah thats fine, were not realy doing anything sunday anyway are we?' Well i didnt know what to say then, i felt put on the spot so i just said 'erm no but....ill txt u and let you know'
> 
> Argh!!!!

As I thought, each time now will be her wandering off with LO for a day at a time. Stamp on this Hun. You may not be doing anything much on Sunday but doesn't Daddy get to have time with LO on the weekend? Make up a surprise day out you had planned, materialise a dinner booked at a local pub.... anything to take back control of the situation. You don't want her to her LO, so don't let it happen.


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## Bubblefish

I know, i could have killed my oh!

I like the point about oh seing her though, i might just say ive booked us somewhere nice to have sunday lunch, knowing mil though she'll prob invite herself along!

I really dont want her having her again so soon, why on earth would she need to!!

I would have said i dont want her having lo without me but today was not the first time, she has had her quite a few times for whole days! And its mostly when my oh has ok'd it!!

Its so hard to be strong when oh is saying something completely different, it makes me seem like the bad guy :( and being someone that is usually very scared of confrontation its blumin hard not to just give in sometimes :( I'm guna try my very best not to though!


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## Mizze

Hear hear Amethyst

Bubblefish - what is DH's relationship with his grandparents - specifically your MIL's MIL? Cannot, from what you have described see your MIL, happily letting her LO off for a day at a time with her MIL however many years ago. If you cant get through to your DH -It might be worth pointing out that his Mother didnt let HIMt spend that much time with his grandparents - assuming he didnt obviously!

Amythest is right - she is pushing right back and unfortuntely her son cant (or wont) see it so you have to be strong! Easier said than done I know!

Also how often do your parents see LO?

Mizze cxx


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## Bubblefish

Mizze said:


> Hear hear Amethyst
> 
> Bubblefish - what is DH's relationship with his grandparents - specifically your MIL's MIL? Cannot, from what you have described see your MIL, happily letting her LO off for a day at a time with her MIL however many years ago. If you cant get through to your DH -It might be worth pointing out that his Mother didnt let HIMt spend that much time with his grandparents - assuming he didnt obviously!
> 
> Amythest is right - she is pushing right back and unfortuntely her son cant (or wont) see it so you have to be strong! Easier said than done I know!
> 
> Also how often do your parents see LO?
> 
> Mizze cxx


Thats a good point as i know dh spent alot of time with his mums parents but has never been very close to the other set! Infact he only ever sees them at christmas!!

My dad sees lo once a week as he works full time and my mum a couple times a week when i invite her over or weve agreed to meet and go shopping etc, but it is mostly only ever for a couple hours at a time and i am always around x


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## tommyg

Suggest to DH that it would be good for the 3 of you to have some "family bonding time" think and somewhere that you would like to go - country park, swimming etc Then you as a FAMILY go to visit his mother.

How old is your LO?

She really does seem like MiL from hell!


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## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Suggest to DH that it would be good for the 3 of you to have some "family bonding time" think and somewhere that you would like to go - country park, swimming etc Then you as a FAMILY go to visit his mother.
> 
> How old is your LO?
> 
> She really does seem like MiL from hell!

7 month x


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## AlwaysPraying

Sounds like your doing an amazing job at saying and doing what you want with her since this all came up. Seems to me the next phase should be, "no, I'd like to spend the day with baby on my own", or "we are going to hang out together alone at home". Then suggest when she could come over to give her another option. It sounds like she's just trying to wear you down so you eventually give in. But you just need to keep it up and wear her down so she knows the new rules. 

Honestly, you could bring up the first conversation when you brought up the whole thing and she said she was understanding - in a sense. Your in a great position because you did start with that conversation and then you've been more strong in when and how she could take care of baby. Even when she asks, "can I have baby tomorrow, again", then say, "we're doing our own thing, how about next friday (or whenever)" then say, "You had baby yesterday, came over today, and want her tomorrow, that's the sort of stuff I was talking about, I just want some time with her on my own". So she really gets why your being stronger. 

You could also make standard days for her. She could visit with you guys every wednesday, and then she could have her every friday and then that way the questions are done. I'm not sure if this would work or not, just a thought.


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## tommyg

Others posted as I was writing - and my DH was on the phone - I agree with Amethyist she really is being so manitulative and I can't understand why.

I mean really why does she need to spend so much time with your LO? 

The next time she asks if she could take LO suggest that "to be honest I would much rather you helped by cleaning my toilet giving me more time to enjoy MY LO after all they are only babies for a very short time"

Find things for her to do other than spending time with LO.


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## tommyg

You've been putting up with this for 7 months?

Are you planning to go back to work? Tell her "No she's not getting LO as you'll have to leave her soon enough when you go back to work"

As for your DH how about getting your own mum and dad to help you out. I am guessing that they recognises and understand the problem??? How about you get your parents to come over both days of the weekend really invade DH's space so that he gets a little taste of what his mum has been doing to you?


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## Dirtykittyxx

Im sorry for being harsh here but you really must toughen up about your MIL and your OH! They are clearing taking the mike and walking over an extremely kind and meek woman. You are the babies mother and are the main care giver when your OH is at work. For the moment because of this YOU are entitled to make all the decisions about YOUR daughter and how much time she spends with MIL! 

I was in the same situation as you but I think my ILS where a lot worse then yours. They were treating me and my OH like small children and even was interfering about how our new house would be decorated and what highchair and car seat my LO would be using and even discussed amongst themselves how my lo would be fed when he was born.

In the end I had had enough of them and when they came round to interfere once again about weaning my lo, i snapped big time. Well, needless to say they were very shocked and are now staying out of my way and LOs. Our relationship is shattered and i dont think my LO will have a very good relationship with them because of their actions. 

If a firm NO wont do then maybe a good telling off will and will be a shock to the system for your MIL and OH! Your relationship will not be the same again granted but you will not miss out on mother and LO time which you desperately need, I never had that because i was too shy to say anything till it came to a head when my Lo was about 8-9 months old and I dont wont it to happen to you and your LO. That time is too precious to give away and unless you toughen up and demand the time back it will be snatched away from you and you will regret it for the rest of your life.


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## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> I know, i could have killed my oh!
> 
> I like the point about oh seing her though, i might just say ive booked us somewhere nice to have sunday lunch, knowing mil though she'll prob invite herself along!
> 
> I really dont want her having her again so soon, why on earth would she need to!!
> 
> I would have said i dont want her having lo without me but today was not the first time, she has had her quite a few times for whole days! And its mostly when my oh has ok'd it!!
> 
> Its so hard to be strong when oh is saying something completely different, it makes me seem like the bad guy :( and being someone that is usually very scared of confrontation its blumin hard not to just give in sometimes :( I'm guna try my very best not to though!

I know it's hard, I've been through the same thing and only now is there light at the end of our tunnel. 

If you give in you are making the mountain one step higher, one step more that you have to climb to get to where your family need to be. Each give in will make each step higher and harder to climb than the one before. It's not nice and it's not easy but there are ways around it.

Number 1, don't be the bad guy. You *aren't* the bad guy. MIL will try to make you feel that way, she may even try to make you look that way but you can stop this too. Everything you do is a positive thing. You aren't saying no to be mean, you are saying no because your Daughter is making friends in her groups which is just wonderful for her development and isn't she thriving?! You are saying no because Daddy and Daughter time is just as important as Mummy Daughter time, aww look how close your DD and DH are! You are saying no because family time (you may have to find a way to phrase this that makes it clear that you mean you, DH and DD - DD and parent time/our little family unit/just the three of us/even make up a nickname... our little 'team') is very important to you all, look at how strong and healthy your little family is! LO is just so tired from all her activities, she just needs a quiet girly day at home with her Mummy so that you can both relax together. Even if you just remain vague... I'm sorry that just won't work for us/we may be busy but we haven't discussed it as a family yet, we will get back to you. What you said was good, you gave yourself an out... now use it!

Grandparent quality time with LO does not exclude parents, neither does it replace them. If she wants to take her out next week agree that on the day she wants to take her you will all (you, LO and MIL) will go to the zoo, or something similar. If your MIL invites LO to something automatically assume that you are invited to it too, do not let her exclude you from your Daughter's life. Then the few days after the 'big day out' LO is tired and at home with Mummy to get back into her normal routines. Routine is a big way of stopping unwanted time away, use that to your advantage too.

You know that little message when you turn your phone on? Change it to something to remind you, or write it in the front cover of your diary or phone book. My home, my child, my life, my rules. Even if it is something as simple as MY FAMILY. 

It's going to be hard but you are doing fantastically well. DH may not be on board yet but even if he doesn't ever fully understand, it doesn't matter, because you will learn the coping mechanisms and tools to control her little pushes and demands that it will become automatic. If she pushes for a decision on the spot, don't give one out of principal. I'm sorry MIL, we need to discuss that, we will get back to you. If she continues to push you say, 'OK then, the answer is now no. You won't allow us to make a decision in the way we want so now you have the immediate answer you requested, no'.

You hold all the cards except the joker. The joker is your DH but you can even sort that out. A quiet word to say, 'DH, I love you, I love our Daughter and I love our life together. You shouldn't be forced to play piggy in the middle because your Mum refuses to communicate in the way she should so please ask her in future to speak to both of us instead of just you because it is both disrespectful and hurtful to think of the man I love talking about me behind my back. I did speak to her directly and I only ask that she offers the same courtesy in return'.

Keep going, she will keep pushing but stand firm.


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## tommyg

Brilliant post Amethyst!


----------



## AmethystDream

tommyg said:


> The next time she asks if she could take LO suggest that "to be honest I would much rather you helped by cleaning my toilet giving me more time to enjoy MY LO after all they are only babies for a very short time"
> 
> Find things for her to do other than spending time with LO.

BTW, I absolutely LOVE this!


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## AlwaysPraying

AmethystDream said:


> tommyg said:
> 
> 
> The next time she asks if she could take LO suggest that "to be honest I would much rather you helped by cleaning my toilet giving me more time to enjoy MY LO after all they are only babies for a very short time"
> 
> Find things for her to do other than spending time with LO.
> 
> BTW, I absolutely LOVE this!Click to expand...

I totally agree! This really hits the nail on the head. Of course grandparents should have a relationship with baby but more so they should be there to support you as a mom. This just shows how this specific grandma is only focusing on her relationship with baby and not the family as a whole.


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## Betheney

Bubblefish said:


> I know, i could have killed my oh!
> 
> I like the point about oh seing her though, i might just say ive booked us somewhere nice to have sunday lunch, knowing mil though she'll prob invite herself along!
> 
> I really dont want her having her again so soon, why on earth would she need to!!
> 
> I would have said i dont want her having lo without me but today was not the first time, she has had her quite a few times for whole days! And its mostly when my oh has ok'd it!!
> 
> Its so hard to be strong when oh is saying something completely different, it makes me seem like the bad guy :( and being someone that is usually very scared of confrontation its blumin hard not to just give in sometimes :( I'm guna try my very best not to though!

i know it's hard but your doing an amazing job sticking to your guns. Your MIL really is just trying to push back and she will try and make you crack. Does your OH work weekends? my OH doesn't and all my friends (i have no family) know that weekends are off limits because it's our family time. Everytime i get invited somewhere or someone wants to do something i say "oh i can't it's the weekend it's when we have family time" If she knows weekends are off limits completely she should stop asking for them.

Your MIL also has to realise that your family is a separate family. I've had my MIL say a few times "But this is what OUR family does" in which i feel like yelling "there is no OUR family. I have my own family and you have your own family and you have no say over anything that happens in my family" ARGH sorry getting into my own MIL issues here.

<3


----------



## Murphy98

Oy Bubblefish! I thought your MIL handled the first conversation not too bad but apparently the information didn't sink in :dohh: You are doing great - good for you for taking control of things. If my MIL showed up at 8:30am without calling first and arranging a time to pick up LO I would have told her flat out (nicely) that she needs to call before she comes over.

Just stick with it and don't back down. This woman clearly needs some boundaries - especially considering you've already spoken with her about it in a very mature manner. I am always telling my parents that we have "family time" planned on the weekend....we don't need to have something specific planned, we have "family time" planned (repeat as needed-lol!).

Keep practicing - "no thank you", "No Thank you", "NO THANK YOU". I think the more straightforward and drama free you can be the better - mixing messaging will only make things worse for everyone.

:hugs:


----------



## hb1

Betheney said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> I know, i could have killed my oh!
> 
> I like the point about oh seing her though, i might just say ive booked us somewhere nice to have sunday lunch, knowing mil though she'll prob invite herself along!
> 
> I really dont want her having her again so soon, why on earth would she need to!!
> 
> I would have said i dont want her having lo without me but today was not the first time, she has had her quite a few times for whole days! And its mostly when my oh has ok'd it!!
> 
> Its so hard to be strong when oh is saying something completely different, it makes me seem like the bad guy :( and being someone that is usually very scared of confrontation its blumin hard not to just give in sometimes :( I'm guna try my very best not to though!
> 
> i know it's hard but your doing an amazing job sticking to your guns. Your MIL really is just trying to push back and she will try and make you crack. Does your OH work weekends? my OH doesn't and all my friends (i have no family) know that weekends are off limits because it's our family time. Everytime i get invited somewhere or someone wants to do something i say "oh i can't it's the weekend it's when we have family time" If she knows weekends are off limits completely she should stop asking for them.
> 
> Your MIL also has to realise that your family is a separate family. I've had my MIL say a few times "But this is what OUR family does" in which i feel like yelling "there is no OUR family. I have my own family and you have your own family and you have no say over anything that happens in my family" ARGH sorry getting into my own MIL issues here.
> 
> <3Click to expand...

or make the weekends the only time she's allowed - and not to take LO alone - to spend with you and oh and LO - your OH might notice her issues more if all his free time is with his mum.

If she tries it on again maybe say " i thought you understood when we had our little chat? " and see how she responds to direct confrontation?

hx


----------



## Bubblefish

AmethystDream said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> I know, i could have killed my oh!
> 
> I like the point about oh seing her though, i might just say ive booked us somewhere nice to have sunday lunch, knowing mil though she'll prob invite herself along!
> 
> I really dont want her having her again so soon, why on earth would she need to!!
> 
> I would have said i dont want her having lo without me but today was not the first time, she has had her quite a few times for whole days! And its mostly when my oh has ok'd it!!
> 
> Its so hard to be strong when oh is saying something completely different, it makes me seem like the bad guy :( and being someone that is usually very scared of confrontation its blumin hard not to just give in sometimes :( I'm guna try my very best not to though!
> 
> I know it's hard, I've been through the same thing and only now is there light at the end of our tunnel.
> 
> If you give in you are making the mountain one step higher, one step more that you have to climb to get to where your family need to be. Each give in will make each step higher and harder to climb than the one before. It's not nice and it's not easy but there are ways around it.
> 
> Number 1, don't be the bad guy. You *aren't* the bad guy. MIL will try to make you feel that way, she may even try to make you look that way but you can stop this too. Everything you do is a positive thing. You aren't saying no to be mean, you are saying no because your Daughter is making friends in her groups which is just wonderful for her development and isn't she thriving?! You are saying no because Daddy and Daughter time is just as important as Mummy Daughter time, aww look how close your DD and DH are! You are saying no because family time (you may have to find a way to phrase this that makes it clear that you mean you, DH and DD - DD and parent time/our little family unit/just the three of us/even make up a nickname... our little 'team') is very important to you all, look at how strong and healthy your little family is! LO is just so tired from all her activities, she just needs a quiet girly day at home with her Mummy so that you can both relax together. Even if you just remain vague... I'm sorry that just won't work for us/we may be busy but we haven't discussed it as a family yet, we will get back to you. What you said was good, you gave yourself an out... now use it!
> 
> Grandparent quality time with LO does not exclude parents, neither does it replace them. If she wants to take her out next week agree that on the day she wants to take her you will all (you, LO and MIL) will go to the zoo, or something similar. If your MIL invites LO to something automatically assume that you are invited to it too, do not let her exclude you from your Daughter's life. Then the few days after the 'big day out' LO is tired and at home with Mummy to get back into her normal routines. Routine is a big way of stopping unwanted time away, use that to your advantage too.
> 
> You know that little message when you turn your phone on? Change it to something to remind you, or write it in the front cover of your diary or phone book. My home, my child, my life, my rules. Even if it is something as simple as MY FAMILY.
> 
> It's going to be hard but you are doing fantastically well. DH may not be on board yet but even if he doesn't ever fully understand, it doesn't matter, because you will learn the coping mechanisms and tools to control her little pushes and demands that it will become automatic. If she pushes for a decision on the spot, don't give one out of principal. I'm sorry MIL, we need to discuss that, we will get back to you. If she continues to push you say, 'OK then, the answer is now no. You won't allow us to make a decision in the way we want so now you have the immediate answer you requested, no'.
> 
> You hold all the cards except the joker. The joker is your DH but you can even sort that out. A quiet word to say, 'DH, I love you, I love our Daughter and I love our life together. You shouldn't be forced to play piggy in the middle because your Mum refuses to communicate in the way she should so please ask her in future to speak to both of us instead of just you because it is both disrespectful and hurtful to think of the man I love talking about me behind my back. I did speak to her directly and I only ask that she offers the same courtesy in return'.
> 
> Keep going, she will keep pushing but stand firm.Click to expand...

Wow hun thanks for taking the time to write such a long reply to me, i realy do appreciate all the advice.

I have spoken to dh and he agrees we need to spend time together at weekends as a family as he works such long hours through the week, most of the time lo is about to go to bed when he gets home!

I like the suggestion about using routine as this has been an issue before in the past, mil bringing lo home late and her bath, bedtime etc being distrupted.

xx


----------



## Bubblefish

My oh works every other weekend (just the saturday) so i think that makes it even more important for us to spend the weekends he has off together. 

Thanks again ladies for all the great advice :flower:

Me and dh had a chat lastnight and we have decided that whenever he is off at weekends we are going to make it family time, so tomorrow we are going for a nice lunch just the three of us and then maybe for a nice walk if its a nice day :cloud9:


----------



## bigbetty

Bubblefish said:


> My oh works every other weekend (just the saturday) so i think that makes it even more important for us to spend the weekends he has off together.
> 
> Thanks again ladies for all the great advice :flower:
> 
> Me and dh had a chat lastnight and we have decided that whenever he is off at weekends we are going to make it family time, so tomorrow we are going for a nice lunch just the three of us and then maybe for a nice walk if its a nice day :cloud9:

Aw it's good that your DH has realised he needs to spend more time with you as a family. Has he told his mum she can't see LO now?


----------



## elephant29

You are doing really well. Your MIL is of course pushing the boundaries but just keep standing up to her (which I know is hard) and you will start to see results soon. Always remeber though that your little girl is your little girl and she will always adore you more than anyone :hugs:

I work Mon-Friday 9-5 and my OH also has to work a Sat. Sunday is the _only_ day we have together and it is really important to me that we spend it together, just us. This weekend has been a little up in the air as SIL 40th birthday party was last night so my mum kept LO and has her today (she had made plans with her friend and her grandaughter so I felt obliged to let her keep them. She did offer to cancel them though which is the whole point). Anyway, Sunday I thought would me a day for OH, me and LO but for some reason OH has agreed for us to go to his parents for Sunday lunch. I dont mind normally but I wanted a day with MY little family. I am letting it slide as I can guarantee it will be a one off unless I WANT to go. 

OH's mum got used to just thinking that she could take LO out for the whole day. It really really bugged me. I think it annoyed me so much because when my mum see's LO it is usually always with me. She enjoys spending time with both of us but for a while MIL seemed to just want LO to herself. I love my MIL, of course she annoys me as well, but thankfully she is a nice woman who although definitely pushes the boundaries, would be mortified if she though she was upsetting me. I just hate when she is down and she assumes that she can just feed LO! Thats my job! Argh!

Sorry I took a rant there :blush: but I get how you feel and hope things work out for you.

xxx


----------



## mum2b2009

i know how it feels hun..my mil would be over everyday too if ild let her!
i had enough with it so i just totaly backed off put a lock on our garden gate so she coukdnt get in and stoped answering the door to her! harsh i know but she wouldnt listen.your oh needs to be on your side else it just wont work ...
good luck and stick to ur guns x


----------



## Bubblefish

bigbetty said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> My oh works every other weekend (just the saturday) so i think that makes it even more important for us to spend the weekends he has off together.
> 
> Thanks again ladies for all the great advice :flower:
> 
> Me and dh had a chat lastnight and we have decided that whenever he is off at weekends we are going to make it family time, so tomorrow we are going for a nice lunch just the three of us and then maybe for a nice walk if its a nice day :cloud9:
> 
> Aw it's good that your DH has realised he needs to spend more time with you as a family. Has he told his mum she can't see LO now?Click to expand...

I text her and let her know but she hasnt replied yet!


----------



## Bubblefish

elephant29 said:


> You are doing really well. Your MIL is of course pushing the boundaries but just keep standing up to her (which I know is hard) and you will start to see results soon. Always remeber though that your little girl is your little girl and she will always adore you more than anyone :hugs:
> 
> I work Mon-Friday 9-5 and my OH also has to work a Sat. Sunday is the _only_ day we have together and it is really important to me that we spend it together, just us. This weekend has been a little up in the air as SIL 40th birthday party was last night so my mum kept LO and has her today (she had made plans with her friend and her grandaughter so I felt obliged to let her keep them. She did offer to cancel them though which is the whole point). Anyway, Sunday I thought would me a day for OH, me and LO but for some reason OH has agreed for us to go to his parents for Sunday lunch. I dont mind normally but I wanted a day with MY little family. I am letting it slide as I can guarantee it will be a one off unless I WANT to go.
> 
> O*H's mum got used to just thinking that she could take LO out for the whole day. It really really bugged me. I think it annoyed me so much because when my mum see's LO it is usually always with me. She enjoys spending time with both of us but for a while MIL seemed to just want LO to herself.* I love my MIL, of course she annoys me as well, but thankfully she is a nice woman who although definitely pushes the boundaries, would be mortified if she though she was upsetting me. I just hate when she is down and she assumes that she can just feed LO! Thats my job! Argh!
> 
> Sorry I took a rant there :blush: but I get how you feel and hope things work out for you.
> 
> xxx

Thanks hun :hugs:



This is exactly how i feel, why doesnt mil want to spend time with me and lo why does it just have to be with lo? My mum enjoys spending time with both of us and before lo came along my mil and i spent quite a bit of time together!
I really think its because she prefers to be alone with lo so that she can play 'mummy' and feels that if i am around she wont be able to do that.

I dont mind her taking lo away for a bit every now and then as i do want them to have a good relationship...but the thought of her playing mummy with my baby when im not around really gets to me :(


----------



## MrsDIJ11

Oh you poor thing. Please please stick to your guns on this one lovely, you seem such a nice person and I know you don't like confrontation but sometimes in these situations, it's the only answer. Hope it resolves itself. What is it with OH's not sticking up to their mums????


----------



## Mizze

Bubblefish said:


> My oh works every other weekend (just the saturday) so i think that makes it even more important for us to spend the weekends he has off together.
> 
> Thanks again ladies for all the great advice :flower:
> 
> Me and dh had a chat lastnight and we have decided that whenever he is off at weekends we are going to make it family time, so tomorrow we are going for a nice lunch just the three of us and then maybe for a nice walk if its a nice day :cloud9:

Good for you - Hope that your MIL didnt conveniently "not get your text" and turn up to spoil things.

I would bookmark this thread or at least print off Amethyst's cracking post and practice some of the responses - that way when she does try to muscle in again you are prepared and have some responses off pat.

Good Luck - I was thinking about this in the middle of the night when LO woke for yet another feed and hoping it all works out for you!!

Mizze xx


----------



## HannahsMummy

Just read through this thread, you are doing really well. Stay strong and don't let your MIL take over.

I think a 'healthy' relationship for grandparents unless of course you are relying on them for babysitting etc should be a couple of visits for an hour or so a week. My Mum absolutely adores Hannah and we only live 10 minutes away, she comes here maybe once a week for an hour or so, we go there once a week for dinner and we might meet up in town once or twice a week. This works well for all of us and Hannah is really excited to see her nanna.

My MIL on the other hand is useless. She has no bond at all with Hannah and scares the living crap out of her! God know how she ever brought up 3 of her own kids (but thats another story!) I would never dream of leaving her alone with my LO.


----------



## tommyg

Glad you've managed to purswade DH that you need some family time - make sure all 3 of you enjoy. I really hope Mizzy is wrong to think that Mil will turn up pretending not to have got the text but I have a fear that's exactly what she'll do. 

Hopefully you'll be out before she turns up but given her track record of arriving at 8.30 in the morning I doubt it. If she turns up tell her "Sorry I sent you a text today's off, We need some family time alone" And close the door.

I would practice some of your responses in a mirror before you have to use them. Keep saying "I am Bubblefish, mother of Babyfish, wife of MrFish my family comes first"


----------



## kiraelliott

Bubblefish said:


> elephant29 said:
> 
> 
> You are doing really well. Your MIL is of course pushing the boundaries but just keep standing up to her (which I know is hard) and you will start to see results soon. Always remeber though that your little girl is your little girl and she will always adore you more than anyone :hugs:
> 
> I work Mon-Friday 9-5 and my OH also has to work a Sat. Sunday is the _only_ day we have together and it is really important to me that we spend it together, just us. This weekend has been a little up in the air as SIL 40th birthday party was last night so my mum kept LO and has her today (she had made plans with her friend and her grandaughter so I felt obliged to let her keep them. She did offer to cancel them though which is the whole point). Anyway, Sunday I thought would me a day for OH, me and LO but for some reason OH has agreed for us to go to his parents for Sunday lunch. I dont mind normally but I wanted a day with MY little family. I am letting it slide as I can guarantee it will be a one off unless I WANT to go.
> 
> O*H's mum got used to just thinking that she could take LO out for the whole day. It really really bugged me. I think it annoyed me so much because when my mum see's LO it is usually always with me. She enjoys spending time with both of us but for a while MIL seemed to just want LO to herself.* I love my MIL, of course she annoys me as well, but thankfully she is a nice woman who although definitely pushes the boundaries, would be mortified if she though she was upsetting me. I just hate when she is down and she assumes that she can just feed LO! Thats my job! Argh!
> 
> Sorry I took a rant there :blush: but I get how you feel and hope things work out for you.
> 
> xxx
> 
> Thanks hun :hugs:
> 
> 
> 
> This is exactly how i feel, why doesnt mil want to spend time with me and lo why does it just have to be with lo? My mum enjoys spending time with both of us and before lo came along my mil and i spent quite a bit of time together!
> I really think its because she prefers to be alone with lo so that she can play 'mummy' and feels that if i am around she wont be able to do that.
> 
> I dont mind her taking lo away for a bit every now and then as i do want them to have a good relationship...but the thought of her playing mummy with my baby when im not around really gets to me :(Click to expand...

My MIL's exactly like this too! Except she nagged us to look after her alone to the point that the more she asked the more determined I was to say no - and 6 months down the line I still haven't let her - saying I wanna look after her myself until she's older. I really don't see what the obsession is, it's the strangest thing. She was on about 'bonding' and all this rubbish lol. Mind you I think because I didn't have an overly close relationship with both my sets of grandparents I didn't see what the big hoo-har was. She's accepted it now and hasn't asked anymore, thank god. It's not to say you don't want LO to have a relationship with them but why they want them so they can play mum I just don't know :dohh: 

Whatever happened to chilled out grandparents - the ones you'd see on the occassional Sunday for a couple of hours in the afternoon and at Christmas?! 

xxx


----------



## Bubblefish

Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.

And the three of us had a lovely day together :)

I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad? 

I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x


----------



## Ice Cold Cube

Bubblefish said:


> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x

No, it does not make you bad at all. I have never let my MIL take Alex out without me, as I'd feel exactly the same as you. She would be playing mum without a doubt. To be honest I feel that your MIL is really taking liberties by asking to 'take' your LO so much. If I were you I'd let her know that your not comfortable with LO being away from you so much at the moment (and you have to remember that it is a completely natural feeling to have when you have a MIL like her) and limit the amount of time she has her away from you. You don't need to keep agreeing to let MIL take her, if you don't feel happy about it. Just because she does ring in advance, doesnt mean you have to say yes.

What does your MIL do with your LO all day? Does she take her to visit other people and get her overtired? Does she make sure she gets her proper naps etc? If not, you can tell her that your LO always seems to be unsettled when she is brought back so you want to get her established into a routine AT HOME and WITH YOU.

Now, is it bad that I wish your MIL would break a leg or something so that she would stop bothering you for a good while and let you enjoy some quality mother and daughter time???

Laura x


----------



## pinklizzy

My god Bubblefish, you are saint to have put up with this for so long!!
I really, really don't understand why grandparents have to see their grandchildren without their parents in order for it to be 'quality time'!?! We are a family so they can spend time with all of us, or not at all!
My mum sees LO a lot but we all go out and do things together-we go shopping, she helps me with all the mundane stuff around the house and spends time with LO.
My inlaws expect us to go and spend the whole day at their house, all they do is sit in front of the tv and the way the house is set up, LO can't get down and crawl around etc so she gets fed up easily. I've tried to suggest going out for a few hours and do something together but they always find some excuse.
We're usually only there for a few hours at a time as I want to keep Erin's routine of naps and meals. They may think it's not important but it's us who suffer the consequences at night!
The thought of MIL playing mummy to my baby makes me feel sick!


----------



## madcatwoman

kiraelliott said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> elephant29 said:
> 
> 
> You are doing really well. Your MIL is of course pushing the boundaries but just keep standing up to her (which I know is hard) and you will start to see results soon. Always remeber though that your little girl is your little girl and she will always adore you more than anyone :hugs:
> 
> I work Mon-Friday 9-5 and my OH also has to work a Sat. Sunday is the _only_ day we have together and it is really important to me that we spend it together, just us. This weekend has been a little up in the air as SIL 40th birthday party was last night so my mum kept LO and has her today (she had made plans with her friend and her grandaughter so I felt obliged to let her keep them. She did offer to cancel them though which is the whole point). Anyway, Sunday I thought would me a day for OH, me and LO but for some reason OH has agreed for us to go to his parents for Sunday lunch. I dont mind normally but I wanted a day with MY little family. I am letting it slide as I can guarantee it will be a one off unless I WANT to go.
> 
> O*H's mum got used to just thinking that she could take LO out for the whole day. It really really bugged me. I think it annoyed me so much because when my mum see's LO it is usually always with me. She enjoys spending time with both of us but for a while MIL seemed to just want LO to herself.* I love my MIL, of course she annoys me as well, but thankfully she is a nice woman who although definitely pushes the boundaries, would be mortified if she though she was upsetting me. I just hate when she is down and she assumes that she can just feed LO! Thats my job! Argh!
> 
> Sorry I took a rant there :blush: but I get how you feel and hope things work out for you.
> 
> xxx
> 
> Thanks hun :hugs:
> 
> 
> 
> This is exactly how i feel, why doesnt mil want to spend time with me and lo why does it just have to be with lo? My mum enjoys spending time with both of us and before lo came along my mil and i spent quite a bit of time together!
> I really think its because she prefers to be alone with lo so that she can play 'mummy' and feels that if i am around she wont be able to do that.
> 
> I dont mind her taking lo away for a bit every now and then as i do want them to have a good relationship...but the thought of her playing mummy with my baby when im not around really gets to me :(Click to expand...
> 
> My MIL's exactly like this too! Except she nagged us to look after her alone to the point that the more she asked the more determined I was to say no - and 6 months down the line I still haven't let her - saying I wanna look after her myself until she's older. I really don't see what the obsession is, it's the strangest thing. She was on about 'bonding' and all this rubbish lol. Mind you I think because I didn't have an overly close relationship with both my sets of grandparents I didn't see what the big hoo-har was. She's accepted it now and hasn't asked anymore, thank god. It's not to say you don't want LO to have a relationship with them but why they want them so they can play mum I just don't know :dohh:
> 
> Whatever happened to chilled out grandparents - the ones you'd see on the occassional Sunday for a couple of hours in the afternoon and at Christmas?!
> 
> xxxClick to expand...

you said it all there. whats is it with MIL wanting to look after our LOs and take over?, its not happening with me either.
and YES! what happened to the chilled out grandparents who only see LOs for an hour a week and at christmas!!!


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x

I'm glad that you had such a lovely day :thumbup:

OK, just because she asks to take her, doesn't mean that you have to say yes. No you aren't bad and I certainly wouldn't have ANYONE take my little person for such a long time and on such a regular basis, especially when I didn't want them away from me anyway. I know that you have already agreed to her having LO tomorrow (I'll bet MIL uses the phrase 'take her' too, doesn't she?), but have you organised when from and for how long?

Set these times in stone... now. Text her with what time you will expect her and what time you expect LO back. You don't want your Daughter away from you so make it for as short a time as possible. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your little girl to be back in 2 hours. If you want to make it 3, to feel better a little, then do that. 

MIL, I'll have LO ready at 10(?) in the morning for you to pick her up and will have her lunch waiting for her at 1. See you tomorrow!

If she arrives early, we weren't expecting you until later... did you not get my text? If she arrives at 10 then you know she has got the message but make sure to make her acknowledge the time that LO is expected back. As they leave... right well I'll see you both at 1(?).

In future if she asks to 'take' LO, change the phrasing slightly. Yes, MIL you are welcome to _visit us_ tomorrow. (or no, we are too busy for a _visit_ that day) I'll even buy us a cake to have with that cup of tea... shall we say 11ish? Gives me chance to get LO ready for our plans that afternoon at 2.30/3 or Ready for some nice Mummy Daughter time later on.

You are doing well Hun but don't fall into the trap of rewarding her reasonable behaviour by going against what you want. She is expected to do what you have asked of her, she shouldn't be rewarded for being normal and reasonable. She will now try to take your LO out everytime by herself for as many hours as she can... this will then lead to as many overnights as she can. Beware, you are on a slippery slope.


----------



## AmethystDream

Oh and I also agree with what was said earlier. If she pressurises you to change a decision (and this WILL happen at some point) then push right back. It can be done in a very gentle way but it needs to be done.

MIL, this is the type of thing I meant when we had that discussion. Please do not push this any further.

Then IMMEDIATELY call your DH and say... Hubby, I've just had to ask MIL to stop pushing me to change my mind on a decision. I'm a little upset at the moment but just wanted to let you know what was going on. Love you honey... what do you want for dinner?

Because you can guarantee that she will run to Hubby if she doesn't get her own way. Once she hears that he already knows it will virtually stop it there and then because it will give the appearance of you and DH being on the same page even if, in reality, DH doesn't 'get it' yet.

This includes things like, don't worry I'll get her lunch... No, MIL, LO is expected back for lunch at 1.


----------



## Bubblefish

Ice Cold Cube said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x
> 
> No, it does not make you bad at all. I have never let my MIL take Alex out without me, as I'd feel exactly the same as you. She would be playing mum without a doubt. To be honest I feel that your MIL is really taking liberties by asking to 'take' your LO so much. If I were you I'd let her know that your not comfortable with LO being away from you so much at the moment (and you have to remember that it is a completely natural feeling to have when you have a MIL like her) and limit the amount of time she has her away from you. You don't need to keep agreeing to let MIL take her, if you don't feel happy about it. Just because she does ring in advance, doesnt mean you have to say yes.
> 
> What does your MIL do with your LO all day? Does she take her to visit other people and get her overtired? Does she make sure she gets her proper naps etc? If not, you can tell her that your LO always seems to be unsettled when she is brought back so you want to get her established into a routine AT HOME and WITH YOU.
> 
> Now, is it bad that I wish your MIL would break a leg or something so that she would stop bothering you for a good while and let you enjoy some quality mother and daughter time???
> 
> Laura xClick to expand...

Lol that last bit made me laugh!

She takes her shopping, to visit relatives, to the park, to her house etc. She does usually have a nap when shes with her but does sleep better at home!


----------



## Bubblefish

AmethystDream said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x
> 
> I'm glad that you had such a lovely day :thumbup:
> 
> OK, just because she asks to take her, doesn't mean that you have to say yes. No you aren't bad and I certainly wouldn't have ANYONE take my little person for such a long time and on such a regular basis, especially when I didn't want them away from me anyway. I know that you have already agreed to her having LO tomorrow (I'll bet MIL uses the phrase 'take her' too, doesn't she?), but have you organised when from and for how long?
> 
> Set these times in stone... now. Text her with what time you will expect her and what time you expect LO back. You don't want your Daughter away from you so make it for as short a time as possible. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your little girl to be back in 2 hours. If you want to make it 3, to feel better a little, then do that.
> 
> MIL, I'll have LO ready at 10(?) in the morning for you to pick her up and will have her lunch waiting for her at 1. See you tomorrow!
> 
> If she arrives early, we weren't expecting you until later... did you not get my text? If she arrives at 10 then you know she has got the message but make sure to make her acknowledge the time that LO is expected back. As they leave... right well I'll see you both at 1(?).
> 
> In future if she asks to 'take' LO, change the phrasing slightly. Yes, MIL you are welcome to _visit us_ tomorrow. (or no, we are too busy for a _visit_ that day) I'll even buy us a cake to have with that cup of tea... shall we say 11ish? Gives me chance to get LO ready for our plans that afternoon at 2.30/3 or Ready for some nice Mummy Daughter time later on.
> 
> You are doing well Hun but don't fall into the trap of rewarding her reasonable behaviour by going against what you want. She is expected to do what you have asked of her, she shouldn't be rewarded for being normal and reasonable. She will now try to take your LO out everytime by herself for as many hours as she can... this will then lead to as many overnights as she can. Beware, you are on a slippery slope.Click to expand...


Yes she does use that exact phrase! Or sometimes she'll says 'can i have (lo) today?' 

No times have been set yet but i was thinking about this but didnt know exactly how to phrase it so thankyou i will use your suggestion :)

I know what you mean as i am dreading her asking for lo overnight but i am deffinately not allowing this as i missed her far too much last time! Maybe when shes older but not yet!


----------



## stardust599

AmethystDream said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x
> 
> I'm glad that you had such a lovely day :thumbup:
> 
> OK, just because she asks to take her, doesn't mean that you have to say yes. No you aren't bad and I certainly wouldn't have ANYONE take my little person for such a long time and on such a regular basis, especially when I didn't want them away from me anyway. I know that you have already agreed to her having LO tomorrow (I'll bet MIL uses the phrase 'take her' too, doesn't she?), but have you organised when from and for how long?
> 
> Set these times in stone... now. Text her with what time you will expect her and what time you expect LO back. You don't want your Daughter away from you so make it for as short a time as possible. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your little girl to be back in 2 hours. If you want to make it 3, to feel better a little, then do that.
> 
> MIL, I'll have LO ready at 10(?) in the morning for you to pick her up and will have her lunch waiting for her at 1. See you tomorrow!
> 
> If she arrives early, we weren't expecting you until later... did you not get my text? If she arrives at 10 then you know she has got the message but make sure to make her acknowledge the time that LO is expected back. As they leave... right well I'll see you both at 1(?).
> 
> In future if she asks to 'take' LO, change the phrasing slightly. Yes, MIL you are welcome to _visit us_ tomorrow. (or no, we are too busy for a _visit_ that day) I'll even buy us a cake to have with that cup of tea... shall we say 11ish? Gives me chance to get LO ready for our plans that afternoon at 2.30/3 or Ready for some nice Mummy Daughter time later on.
> 
> You are doing well Hun but don't fall into the trap of rewarding her reasonable behaviour by going against what you want. She is expected to do what you have asked of her, she shouldn't be rewarded for being normal and reasonable. She will now try to take your LO out everytime by herself for as many hours as she can... this will then lead to as many overnights as she can. Beware, you are on a slippery slope.Click to expand...


I agree with this, my LO is older than yours and I would never let someone take her so often and for so long! 

You can't get this time back.

Just politely say "No thank you, but you could pop over for a couple of hours on ......... afternoon"

xx


----------



## Faffalina

bigbetty said:


> Don't ask for his approval or understanding, simply tell OH your intentions and that he needs to back you up because you are his partner and stop clinging to his mother's apron strings!
> 
> *It doesn't matter if he thinks his mum should be able to visit when she likes, he isn't the one who has to suffer them!*



Precisely. Ask him how he would feel about hanging out with your mum all day, without you.


----------



## Palestrina

AmethystDream, oh won't you come and handle my inlaws too?! Your advice is brilliant :)

I am confused by the terminology "playing mummy to my LO." Is this a british phrase because I don't quite understand what it means. Is it that she pretends she's her Mom? Wouldn't you expect that anyone looking after your baby would change diapers, cuddle, and put her down for a nap? Is that what playing mummy means? Sorry if I sound a little clueless.


----------



## AmethystDream

Palestrina said:


> AmethystDream, oh won't you come and handle my inlaws too?! Your advice is brilliant :)
> 
> I am confused by the terminology "playing mummy to my LO." Is this a british phrase because I don't quite understand what it means. Is it that she pretends she's her Mom? Wouldn't you expect that anyone looking after your baby would change diapers, cuddle, and put her down for a nap? Is that what playing mummy means? Sorry if I sound a little clueless.

Always easier to do when there is a lack of emotional attachment, I have been dealing with my 'outlaws' for years but still wish I could just slap the woman sometimes :blush::haha: Disarming them by pre-empting them does work but you do get thrown curve balls every now and then. You just have to keep your general aim in mind and stay calm. I wish I'd managed to do so when OH had MIL on loudspeaker on the phone last month and she came out with something even more stupid than normal and it took everything not to swear very audibly. I must have sounded like Muttley in the background :dohh:

The playing Mummy thing is not the taking care of little one when they need to but taking over completely from real Mummy and then having the baby alone as much as possible as an extension of that. Some refer to themselves as Mummy to the LO, claim that the baby is theirs to strangers or just play out odd little things in their head that aren't healthy for LO, Mummy or themselves. It's not nice and I've been on the receiving end of it, albeit in a lesser way.


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish - the overnight thing is easier than you would think. 

Neither LO nor me are ready for that nor will we be for a very long time. There is no point in asking all the time, we will let you know.

Any other time it is brought up: You know how we feel about that, MIL.


----------



## ShanandBoc

Amethyst i think u should write a self help book 'how to deal with in laws form hell (and other life advice)' :rofl: Will be a top seller :D


----------



## Bubblefish

stardust599 said:


> AmethystDream said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Well Mil didnt turn up thankfully, she didnt reply to the txt either.
> 
> And the three of us had a lovely day together :)
> 
> I got a phone call from her this morning asking if she could take her tomorrow, i said yes as i suppose she did do what i asked, ring to ask in advance instead of just turning up. But i cant help but have this awful feeling inside my stomach when i think of her taking lo away. I just cant help it, i hate being away from my baby, i love spending all my time with her, she makes me happy, she makes me smile and laugh every day and i just love being with her, does this really make me that bad?
> 
> I feel asthough i have to let her though as i have done in the past and she has asked me in the right way as i requested x
> 
> I'm glad that you had such a lovely day :thumbup:
> 
> OK, just because she asks to take her, doesn't mean that you have to say yes. No you aren't bad and I certainly wouldn't have ANYONE take my little person for such a long time and on such a regular basis, especially when I didn't want them away from me anyway. I know that you have already agreed to her having LO tomorrow (I'll bet MIL uses the phrase 'take her' too, doesn't she?), but have you organised when from and for how long?
> 
> Set these times in stone... now. Text her with what time you will expect her and what time you expect LO back. You don't want your Daughter away from you so make it for as short a time as possible. It is perfectly reasonable to expect your little girl to be back in 2 hours. If you want to make it 3, to feel better a little, then do that.
> 
> MIL, I'll have LO ready at 10(?) in the morning for you to pick her up and will have her lunch waiting for her at 1. See you tomorrow!
> 
> If she arrives early, we weren't expecting you until later... did you not get my text? If she arrives at 10 then you know she has got the message but make sure to make her acknowledge the time that LO is expected back. As they leave... right well I'll see you both at 1(?).
> 
> In future if she asks to 'take' LO, change the phrasing slightly. Yes, MIL you are welcome to _visit us_ tomorrow. (or no, we are too busy for a _visit_ that day) I'll even buy us a cake to have with that cup of tea... shall we say 11ish? Gives me chance to get LO ready for our plans that afternoon at 2.30/3 or Ready for some nice Mummy Daughter time later on.
> 
> You are doing well Hun but don't fall into the trap of rewarding her reasonable behaviour by going against what you want. She is expected to do what you have asked of her, she shouldn't be rewarded for being normal and reasonable. She will now try to take your LO out everytime by herself for as many hours as she can... this will then lead to as many overnights as she can. Beware, you are on a slippery slope.Click to expand...
> 
> 
> I agree with this, my LO is older than yours and I would never let someone take her so often and for so long!
> 
> *You can't get this time back.*
> 
> Just politely say "No thank you, but you could pop over for a couple of hours on ......... afternoon"
> 
> xxClick to expand...

I know you're right as this phrase keeps going over and over in my mind and it really is true, she is growing up sooooo fast already!


----------



## Bubblefish

ShanandBoc said:


> Amethyst i think u should write a self help book 'how to deal with in laws form hell (and other life advice)' :rofl: Will be a top seller :D

I second this! You have given me lots of wonderful advice and i really appreciate it :flower: xx


----------



## Bubblefish

Well i txt mil and wrote this..

'Hey, can you come for lo at 10.30 tomorrow pls as this will give me enough time to feed her and get her sorted etc and could you please bring her home by 2 as i miss her too much if im away from her for too long :)'

Just waiting on her reply...


----------



## bigbetty

I'm so pleased you are taking control of this situation! Well done love, keep it up xx


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> ShanandBoc said:
> 
> 
> Amethyst i think u should write a self help book 'how to deal with in laws form hell (and other life advice)' :rofl: Will be a top seller :D
> 
> I second this! You have given me lots of wonderful advice and i really appreciate it :flower: xxClick to expand...

Aww thanks :friends:


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Well i txt mil and wrote this..
> 
> 'Hey, can you come for lo at 10.30 tomorrow pls as this will give me enough time to feed her and get her sorted etc and could you please bring her home by 2 as i miss her too much if im away from her for too long :)'
> 
> Just waiting on her reply...

Looks good :thumbup: She may not even reply, Hun. She didn't reply to the text about Sunday, did she?

Happen to very discreetly mention to DH in the course of conversation tonight that MIL is popping by at around 10.30 to get LO but will be back by 2 for you to have some girlie time with your Daughter in the afternoon... just in case.


----------



## pam100

Bubblefish said:


> Well i txt mil and wrote this..
> 
> 'Hey, can you come for lo at 10.30 tomorrow pls as this will give me enough time to feed her and get her sorted etc and could you please bring her home by 2 as i miss her too much if im away from her for too long :)'
> 
> Just waiting on her reply...

:thumbup: well done you, fab text!


----------



## Palestrina

Bubblefish said:


> Well i txt mil and wrote this..
> 
> 'Hey, can you come for lo at 10.30 tomorrow pls as this will give me enough time to feed her and get her sorted etc and could you please bring her home by 2 as i miss her too much if im away from her for too long :)'
> 
> Just waiting on her reply...

You're on your way with being assertive but this text still sounds a little too apologetic to me. There's no need to explain to her why she needs to be picked up at a certain time or why she needs to be brought back by a certain time either. It's none of her business why. Next time text her:

"Hey, can you come for lo at 10:30 tomorrow please? and bring her back by 2 pls"

or eve better:

"please pick up lo at 10:30 and bring her back by 2 - c u!"

Nobody needs an explanation why you choose that time frame, nor does an explanation need to even exist. You're the mom, you make your daughter's schedule, if anyone has a problem with that go take a hike.


----------



## tommyg

Your doing great. Your drawing in the reins and well done to you. I really think you have the patiences of an angel allowing her to take LO so much. 

I think your next move is to say you don't want LO spending more than a few hours per week away from you and you want your mum to have some time with LO too - mil can have her for a few hours tomorrow then you mum can have her for a few hours next week - i.e. mil shouldn't bother asking to have her for another 2 weeks.

At the end of the day she is your baby and you want to bring her up not pass her off at every opertunity.


----------



## fluffpuffin

It's hard to be tough, I know this to well. But seriously this woman is manipulating. You don't need to apologise for not wanting her to come over every single day. If she asks to come over just say, sorry it's inconvenient today, maybe tomorrow. 

Would she come and insist on visiting you if it wasn't for the baby? No, for someone to be so pushy and inviting themselves over to your house is rude. You don't need to provide an excuse each time. She shouldn't be so pushy in the first place. And to stay all day long is just cheeky. If I was you I'd say you want to relax on your own with your baby and see you another time - very cheeky to outstay your welcome like that. It's your house and you should be able to relax on your own with your baby when you want.

At that age I never gave Isla away for longer than an hour or two. Stand up for yourself honey. She's the one who's behaving rudely after all. You've got nothing to worry about.


----------



## nm123

Oh Bubblefish - you're doing so great with this... I would've handled this so badly the whole family would be squabbling by now! And AmethystDream's advice is superb!

I think you need to work out what is acceptable for you and then tell her (nicely)... So for example if you think 3 hours on a Thursday afternoon would suit you for alone time with MIL and LO is ok, I think it would be good set a fixed time each week that they hang out. 

"Hi MIL, I was thinking, we're getting so busy these days with babygroups and activities and meeting up with friends, it might be an idea if we had a fixed time each week that you and LO hang out. Would Thursdays between 1-4 suit you?"

I fear this woman is really taking advantage of your good nature and as someone else said she doesn't want to compromise or take your feelings into consideration, so I think you almost have to wipe the slate and tell her what you want/expect - in a nice way of course.

Best of luck, I really think you're handling this great!


----------



## stardust599

Just want to say you did great sending that text! I do agree that you don't need to apologise or explain, it's hard when this has been the norm for so long to get back to normal boundaries. My Mum takes LO for a few hours (sometimes longer) every 2nd week. She always texts the day before to ask what time she's to pick her up and bring her back. She normally comes after LO has had her morning nap and then brings her back after dinner - that's 6 hours but bear in mind that over an hour of that is travelling to mine/back. If I wanted her back earlier I would just ring her and say "I'll come get her at such and such a time" And if Mum wants to keep her later she just asks - last week she wanted her for an extra couple of hours to visit my auntie and of course I was fine with it as she never takes advantage. When she comes to visit she doesn't play Mummy, she loves LO very much and my LO loves her too and gets so excited to see her but when LO is hungry, needing changed, needing a sleep etc. that's my job and she'd never try to take over. And if LO hurts herself or gets upset it's always Mummy she reaches for but if Mummy isn't there then Nanny will just have to do! That's what it should be like!

Anyway, keep up with it - you can do this, we all know you can!

When MIL comes to pick LO up make sure you say clearly "I'll see you before 2".

I'm so so hoping MIL sticks to your times today, if she's early tell her you're not ready yet and don't let her take LO before 10.30. And if she's late I wouldn't be very happy either! xx


----------



## Bubblefish

Well mil txt back at 7 this morning and said ok ill be over at half 10. Was half expecting to still get a knock at the door at 8.30 but no there wasnt so looks like she is actually starting to listen! :)

Me and dh were talking lastnight and agreed that itd be better to have a set day each week (we were thinking friday - starting next week) and he agreed that this is a reasonable amount of time :)


----------



## Blu10

I have followed this post but don't think I've posted before, ur MIL sounds like a complete pain the the rectum!!
As others have said I think u need to have set times if she takes LO
Out although I'd start to be clever and play her at her own game. When she asks to have her say unfortunately we have made plans with a friend but I'll pop in to see u for half hour on our way out! She needs to know that you pull the strings. I'd limit the time she takes ur LO on her own though, she sounds like a fruit loop.
Good luck, if all else fails slip some anti-freeze in her coffee... She won't cause much of an issue afterwards lmao! X


----------



## tommyg

Well done! Your really are doing well. Seriously 1 day for a few hours is plenty time for lo to be away from you. 

You just have to be careful you don't upset your own mum that she doesn't have LO at any time. Hence I would go with one afternoon per week and alternate between grannies.


----------



## stardust599

tommyg said:


> Well done! Your really are doing well. Seriously 1 day for a few hours is plenty time for lo to be away from you.
> 
> You just have to be careful you don't upset your own mum that she doesn't have LO at any time. Hence I would go with one afternoon per week and alternate between grannies.

Exactly this, one Friday afternoon at your Mums, the next Friday afternoon at MILS xx


----------



## Bubblefish

I had thought one day a week for both our mums....(so say my mum wed and his mum fri) ........is this too much?


----------



## stardust599

Bubblefish said:


> I had thought one day a week for both our mums....(so say my mum wed and his mum fri) ........is this too much?



It's really up to you, it would be too much for me but if you're ok with it then there's no reason why not. I don't really like being away from my LO so we only do every second week 1 afternoon with my Mum, MIL doesn't have her but she visits once a week for a morning and we usually spend a day visiting my Mum too xx


----------



## special_kala

Why does your mum or mil have to take baby at all? I always think we are a family so we come as one so if they want to spend time with the girls wecome as a package.


----------



## MissCurly

when my baby was tiny i HATED being away from her, and didnt leave her with anyone, up until about 7 months. and now, at almost a year old she's become a right handful and i think i'd be pleased if someone looked after her a bit more now! haha.

but, i've been following your thread and glad to hear you've taken a stance and doing what you want. also, if it does bother you that your bubs is away without you, i would take bubs for a visit every week rather than them having alone time.

(which is what i did in the begining).


----------



## tommyg

Your choice if being apart 2 afternoons per week is too much. It would be for me but I'm the opposite my LO has only been left with anybody other than my DH about 4 times.

Onces for me to get to the optitions, once for the dentist and twice for lawyers. 

What are you going to do with 2 afternoons to yourself?


----------



## Bubblefish

I will have to have a think about it.

No idea what i will do as im sitting here now without lo bored!! There is quite a bit housework needs doing though so i suppose ill do that!

Well mil turned up bang on 10.30! All was going well until she made a comment as she was leaving! Lo was getting all excited being held by mil and mil said 'oh well atleast you still know me even though i never see you any more, once in a blue moon now isnt it' I got angry and snapped back 'you see her all the time, more than my own bloody mother, see you at 2 bye' and closed the door before i was tempted to take lo back lol. god im fuming.


----------



## tommyg

Oh no wonder your raging I would be. Well done telling her straight that she sees LO more than your own mum does. If she comments any further the reason your mum doesn't see LO as often is _because Mil you never give her a chance to_. 

She's noticed that your reining her in and trying ever tackic under the sun to get to you. Don't let her. Remember she is YOUR baby and YOU want to spent time with her. 

It's Ok I have grandparents who always comment they don't see muh of LO I tend to ignore the comment and they see him about once a week.


----------



## angelic_one

Hey hun just read this whole thread! That comment was just awful! She's just trying to get to you, don't let her! You're winning! You really are doing so well! Don't feel guilty at all, she'll get used to it. 

If her previous pattern is anything to go by, when she gets back she will be like 'can I have LO tomorrow' or the day after, etc. I think you should be ready with the date of the next time she can see her, even if this is Friday BUT you should have a proper plan of something for ALL THREE OF YOU to do. There is absolutely no way you should be away from your daughter if you don't want to be!! It's awful. So I think you should have something nice for the 3 of you to do, have a date all ready as this shows willing. You should sound really excited about it. You say you used to be close, so say to her that you want to spend time like you used to. Let her spend time with LO, without you being away from her too! 

This sounds like an awful situation but you've come so far already, you should be really pleased!


----------



## angelic_one

Oh and if when you say that she asks 'but when can I have LO on my own' just ask her straight out 'Why does it have to be on your own?' Would love to see how she answers that one.

I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm awful at confrontation and at thinking on the spot when it comes to arguements/discussions about things like this. You're getting there though!


----------



## tommyg

I have a feeling the previous "closeness" was actually a plan of mils to gain your trust so that she could get her hands on any future babies knowing that you would be the one who would say if she would have access or not.


----------



## angelic_one

tommyg said:


> I have a feeling the previous "closeness" was actually a plan of mils to gain your trust so that she could get her hands on any future babies knowing that you would be the one who would say if she would have access or not.

I don't know, I used to be incredibly close with my ex-girlfriend's mother when I lived with them, and there was almost no chance of babies then!!! 
I also lived with BF's dad for a while and we would not be as good friends as we are now had we not lived together. I think living with in laws can create a close relationship without any vendetta...


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> I will have to have a think about it.
> 
> No idea what i will do as im sitting here now without lo bored!! There is quite a bit housework needs doing though so i suppose ill do that!
> 
> Well mil turned up bang on 10.30! All was going well until she made a comment as she was leaving! Lo was getting all excited being held by mil and mil said 'oh well atleast you still know me even though i never see you any more, once in a blue moon now isnt it' I got angry and snapped back 'you see her all the time, more than my own bloody mother, see you at 2 bye' and closed the door before i was tempted to take lo back lol. god im fuming.

Ohhh your first curveball, jeez talk about her being passive-aggressive. Annoys the poo out of me when people use talking to the LOs to get a message over to the adults. I don't blame you for snapping, not one little bit and to be honest she bloody deserved it, but now, despite you doing nothing wrong, you need to do a little damage limitation. 

If you can get yourself as calm as possible and think of a reason that you need to speak to DH. Do you need him to grab something from the shop on the way home? Ask him what he wants for dinner? Then give him a very brief call.

Happen to mention that everything was going fine, MIL turned up when you said but she said something that upset you and you may have to address it when she gets back.... but never mind that, we will sort it later. (end on a positive) Love you honey, have a good day and I'll have dinner waiting for you!

You need to address what she said but more importantly how she said it immediately. Be very very calm, no matter what she says, you are calm. If you have your mobile to one side recording discreetly, not only will you have proof of everything that is said but it will keep you calmer.

MIL, I don't appreciate you saying what you did earlier. I especially don't like that you tried to say it via LO. She is too young to understand now but you will not continue to do this. If you do, you will find that I will be even less inclined for us to spend time with you. Maybe you should consider that before you consider doing something like that again.

If she asks about when she can have her next be very very very vague. She needs consequences to what she has done today and even if she doesn't know that you intend for her to see LO within a few days or next week, she needs a kick up the arse. 

I'll let you know/I'll call you/I'll text/I'll have a think about it and let you know.

If she pushes you then you go onto:

DH and I talked about what you said when you were out and are going to discuss it further when he gets home. As I said, we will let you know.

Don't bring your Mum up again. I know what you said is true, so does MIL but she will try and drag this up with you and DH. If she brings it up you say, I'm sorry but we are talking about your relationship with *us*, not my Mums.

You are still doing really well, you should be so proud of yourself. I bet you are enjoying your time with your girly! Oh and good on your DH for getting on board a little! But, and it's a big but (not unlike mine :haha:), don't feel like that visit each week has to be with MIL taking your LO out and away. Make a point of organising something at home. Even if it is something as daft as a cake to have with lunch or a special activity to do with your small person.

Be strong! You are making such huge strides towards things being as they should!


----------



## AmethystDream

angelic_one said:


> Oh and if when you say that she asks 'but when can I have LO on my own' just ask her straight out 'Why does it have to be on your own?' Would love to see how she answers that one.
> 
> I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm awful at confrontation and at thinking on the spot when it comes to arguements/discussions about things like this. You're getting there though!

You can even go one step further than this excellent suggestion and completely cut off the notion.

Laugh lightly as you say 'oh I don't think that's necessary' and then just carry on with what you were doing and change the conversation. Don't even entertain the notion if you don't want it to happen. You aren't there to negotiate your decisions, neither do you have to justify the rationale behind them.


----------



## tommyg

AmethystDream said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> I will have to have a think about it.
> 
> No idea what i will do as im sitting here now without lo bored!! There is quite a bit housework needs doing though so i suppose ill do that!
> 
> Well mil turned up bang on 10.30! All was going well until she made a comment as she was leaving! Lo was getting all excited being held by mil and mil said 'oh well atleast you still know me even though i never see you any more, once in a blue moon now isnt it' I got angry and snapped back 'you see her all the time, more than my own bloody mother, see you at 2 bye' and closed the door before i was tempted to take lo back lol. god im fuming.
> 
> Ohhh your first curveball, jeez talk about her being passive-aggressive. Annoys the poo out of me when people use talking to the LOs to get a message over to the adults. I don't blame you for snapping, not one little bit and to be honest she bloody deserved it, but now, despite you doing nothing wrong, you need to do a little damage limitation.
> 
> If you can get yourself as calm as possible and think of a reason that you need to speak to DH. Do you need him to grab something from the shop on the way home? Ask him what he wants for dinner? Then give him a very brief call.
> 
> Happen to mention that everything was going fine, MIL turned up when you said but she said something that upset you and you may have to address it when she gets back.... but never mind that, we will sort it later. (end on a positive) Love you honey, have a good day and I'll have dinner waiting for you!
> 
> You need to address what she said but more importantly how she said it immediately. Be very very calm, no matter what she says, you are calm. If you have your mobile to one side recording discreetly, not only will you have proof of everything that is said but it will keep you calmer.
> 
> MIL, I don't appreciate you saying what you did earlier. I especially don't like that you tried to say it via LO. She is too young to understand now but you will not continue to do this. If you do, you will find that I will be even less inclined for us to spend time with you. Maybe you should consider that before you consider doing something like that again.
> 
> If she asks about when she can have her next be very very very vague. She needs consequences to what she has done today and even if she doesn't know that you intend for her to see LO within a few days or next week, she needs a kick up the arse.
> 
> I'll let you know/I'll call you/I'll text/I'll have a think about it and let you know.
> 
> If she pushes you then you go onto:
> 
> DH and I talked about what you said when you were out and are going to discuss it further when he gets home. As I said, we will let you know.
> 
> Don't bring your Mum up again. I know what you said is true, so does MIL but she will try and drag this up with you and DH. If she brings it up you say, I'm sorry but we are talking about your relationship with *us*, not my Mums.
> 
> You are still doing really well, you should be so proud of yourself. I bet you are enjoying your time with your girly! Oh and good on your DH for getting on board a little! But, and it's a big but (not unlike mine :haha:), don't feel like that visit each week has to be with MIL taking your LO out and away. Make a point of organising something at home. Even if it is something as daft as a cake to have with lunch or a special activity to do with your small person.
> 
> Be strong! You are making such huge strides towards things being as they should!Click to expand...

Amethyst what a reply - brilliant - you really are not somebody to be messed with!


----------



## ShanandBoc

haha id be scared to be your MIL amethyst.

Glad things are somewhat improving bubble, good for you :) x


----------



## AmethystDream

ShanandBoc said:


> haha id be scared to be your MIL amethyst.
> 
> Glad things are somewhat improving bubble, good for you :) x

You are kidding, Hun. That woman has terrorised our family for years, it is only since she took a step so far over the line that she can no longer see it that I have had to tell OH that I am very sorry but I won't carry on like this.

Said horrible wench is now cut off completely.


----------



## kiraelliott

AmethystDream said:


> ShanandBoc said:
> 
> 
> haha id be scared to be your MIL amethyst.
> 
> Glad things are somewhat improving bubble, good for you :) x
> 
> You are kidding, Hun. That woman has terrorised our family for years, it is only since she took a step so far over the line that she can no longer see it that I have had to tell OH that I am very sorry but I won't carry on like this.
> 
> *Said horrible wench is now cut off completely*.Click to expand...

Blimey, what did she do? lol (sorry, nosey mare!)

xxx


----------



## ShanandBoc

Yeh maybe you should start a new thread about your MIL Amethyst :) :lol:


----------



## Palestrina

With all that your MIL has said and done just within this thread I'm shocked that you even entertain the notion that she should have a relationship with your LO out of your sight. She's mean, manipulative, passive-agressive, and completely disrespectful of your wishes. Are these the traits you are going to let her pass on to your child?

Look, I understand that you don't like confrontation, that you just want to keep the peace and be respectful of the grandma/granddaughter relationship your daughter deserves. However, someone has to protect this little girl and it has to be you! That's how I view things - I was always afraid of confronting my MIL but now there's no question about it. I do not want my LO growing up thinking that it's ok for someone to treat his mommy like that. And I also want him to know how to stand up for himself when someone tries to manipulate him, it's me that has to teach him this and by letting someone disrupt my family like that it does not set a good example for him. Forget about standing up for yourself, do it for your LO!


----------



## AP

I have to say I think you have done fantastically - but the comment made through your LO would have made me forget about any 'alone' time. Why must she have alone time? Theres a difference between MIL babysitting(where she will obviously be left alone with the child as you will be busy) , and MIL *asking for alone time *


----------



## special_kala

Exactly why does shr need alone time at all?

She's had her time being mummy to her kids, your Lo isn't a chance for her to try and experience that again.


----------



## binxyboo

Although MIL is actually coming at the time you asked and bringing LO back at the right time, just be aware that she may start to come 15 mins earlier and be 10 mins later home, which will gradually extend to 30 mins, and hour until you are back to square one.

Make sure you keep an eye on the time, and make sure you let her know if she is 5/10 mins late. 
If you let it slide, she will push it more!


----------



## tommyg

binxyboo said:


> Although MIL is actually coming at the time you asked and bringing LO back at the right time, just be aware that she may start to come 15 mins earlier and be 10 mins later home, which will gradually extend to 30 mins, and hour until you are back to square one.
> 
> Make sure you keep an eye on the time, and make sure you let her know if she is 5/10 mins late.
> If you let it slide, she will push it more!

The minute she does that, that provides the excuse not to let mil take LO again, I am sure mil realises this and that will be the reason why she is being bang on time. 

I do assume that she returned LO on time today bubble?


----------



## angel2010

Bubble you are doing so great!!!


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## stardust599

Well done you!! 

What a horrible comment for her to make and how manipulative saying it through LO :-( But I'm so proud you stood up to her. She's using you and abusing your generous, lovely personality to get closer to your LO - I wouldn't stand for it! I can remember I used to go see my lovely Nana once every second week after school - it had been like that since I was a baby and with that visit every 2nd week we still had a lovely close relationship and I got excited to see her. Every summer she would take me away for a long-weekend in a caravan. I think that's a nice healthy grandparent-relationship to aim for!

Don't make any commitment to one day a week if you're not sure! xx


----------



## AmethystDream

kiraelliott said:


> Blimey, what did she do? lol (sorry, nosey mare!)
> 
> xxx

Very briefly, so I don't steal Bubblefish's thread, she is an extremely controlling manipulative woman who has hated me from day one. Final straw was a series of shitty phonecalls culminating in her refusing to discuss anything she does against us as a family and SIL then informs us via email that we only had our Son to spite her.

The things she has done would make your hair curl and one day I guess I'll let it all out, but it would take a while to read!

Example? She was walking behind me and kept pulling at the skirt I was wearing. Now keep in mind that this was a white ankle length 'cheesecloth' summer skirt, so I kept turning around and asking her to stop. She said she wanted to adjust my skirt, I told her to leave it. She said that the lining wasn't sitting right for her, she was told to leave it. She continues to pull at me and saying she wanted to adjust it, I was on the point of flying off the handle after 5 minutes of this. So I took a deep breath and stopped to turn to my eldest...

MIL then took hold of the bottom hem of my skirt at the back, lifted it to *above my head* height in an attempt to get it how she wanted it. I still don't know how I didn't launch her that day. I whipped my skirt back down having given half of the South of England a good old view of my arse and glared at her with something resembling "what the hell do you think you are doing? how dare you?!" falling out of my mouth. Then having to move away quickly somewhere to die of shame. I am a very private person anyway but jeez, you don't do that to ANYONE!

Just another day with my bloody inlaws...


----------



## AmethystDream

I sure hope that she brought LO back when she was supposed to and didn't cause you any more problems :flower:


----------



## Bubblefish

Mil returned lo at 1.50 so ten mins early! 

When she left though she asked me.. 'when can i have her again then, tomorrow?' !!!! I said er no!! and she said well ok then well what about thursday? I was so shocked at her cheek i wasnt realy sure what to say!! so i ended up saying 'you can come see her but you cant take her' and she said ok then and then went on to say well seing as your not letting me see her much anymore, next time i take her can i have her for longer, i asked what she had in mind (curious) and she said well i could bring her back at 8 next time. I said no way thats way too long to which she replied 'no it isnt' and laughed!!!!!!!!

Omg how can she seriously think i'd be ok with her taking my child for so long and so often??????? Like seriously come on, what is going on in her head????

I just feel so angry right now.

Oh and another few things that have pissed me off today....

she kept calling lo her baby! an example:

LO was crying when i was changing her as she has a bit of a sore bum, mil comes over and says to lo 'aww whats wrong with my poor baby, tell me whats wrong my poor baby'

another thing was when i asked what theyd been doing etc she said 'we just went over to my place and then popped to the shops, didnt have time to do the things i had planned'

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST NEED TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## bigbetty

You just need to say to her that if she wants to see LO at all she has to abide by your wishes. And that includes no pestering!


----------



## Mya209

Seriously! You're doing so much by letting her have her at all. I'm not letting LO go anywhere without me (except pop to the shop with her Daddy) for her first year. I'm on maternity ,eave so have no reason to let her out of my sight!, I hate it when MIL carries LO to another room to get something when we visit! I refuse to express so I always have to be there anyway! 
Tell her that she's lucky to even have her for one day! Lots of mums won't let their LOs go at all!!


----------



## Heather M

bubblefish- I've been following this out thread as I feel deeply for you in this situation. I'm so sorry it went this way today! Just didn't want to read and not say anything about the recent stuff because that is NOT ok...I would say that you need to definitely need to take a break from MIL at this point, try and have another conversation with your DH about what was said today and reiterate what you decided with him about once a week and maybe have him reiterate that with her so it's not just YOU communicating this to her. Her responses to you today were just plain rude and it sucks because I would never be able to be as polite as you have in this situation and it's just wrong to treat you like that. I hope that you feel better as the evening progresses and that you just try and enjoy your evening with your dd.


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## MamaBelle

[Removed]


----------



## MrsPOP

What did you say to her when she said 'my poor baby'? I think if she does that again you need to say calmly 'please don't call her your baby, she is my baby. Calling her your baby will only confuse her as she gets older'.

Also if she carries on with the ridiculous 'you're not letting me see much of her' comments just again calmly with an expressionless face say 'actually MIL you are seeing her very often. However not only does she have other extended family members who'd like to spend time VISITING (not taking) LO but I need to spend some quality time with my daughter and expanding her social skills by taking her to clubs. I'm sorry if you feel unhappy that you can't take LO away all the time but DH and I feel this new arrangement is right for our family and daughter'.

If you say all this calmly but firmly without getting angry (though in know it's hard to resist the urge to smack her in the face) everytime she tries to push you, she'll soon stop it. She's acting like a spoilt brat.

I also think the 'taking LO away' thing needs to stop full stop. I find it very bizarre and creepy that she wants to take LO away from you for long periods of times multiple days a week. It'd be different if LO was older maybe but your LO is so young. I'd refuse to let her have her more than once a week and for no longer than YOU feel comfy with. You did the right thing telling her she could come and visit, well done.


----------



## Bubblefish

I have just txt her with this:

I really do not understand why you keep going on at me about spending more time with lo when i give you more than enough time already, i let you take her even though i miss her the whole time yet you still dont appreciate it. If you carry on this way then you can come over to see her but you will not be taking her anymore and if it still carries on after that, then you wont be coming over to see her at all, your choice.


I know i probably shouldnt have sent it, and my heart was pounding when i pressed send but i am just soo bloody angry right now, i know i wont sleep tonight thinking it all over in my head and getting wound up.


----------



## Bubblefish

MrsPOP said:


> What did you say to her when she said 'my poor baby'? I think if she does that again you need to say calmly 'please don't call her your baby, she is my baby. Calling her your baby will only confuse her as she gets older'.
> 
> Also if she carries on with the ridiculous 'you're not letting me see much of her' comments just again calmly with an expressionless face say 'actually MIL you are seeing her very often. However not only does she have other extended family members who'd like to spend time VISITING (not taking) LO but I need to spend some quality time with my daughter and expanding her social skills by taking her to clubs. I'm sorry if you feel unhappy that you can't take LO away all the time but DH and I feel this new arrangement is right for our family and daughter'.
> 
> If you say all this calmly but firmly without getting angry (though in know it's hard to resist the urge to smack her in the face) everytime she tries to push you, she'll soon stop it. She's acting like a spoilt brat.
> 
> I also think the 'taking LO away' thing needs to stop full stop. I find it very bizarre and creepy that she wants to take LO away from you for long periods of times multiple days a week. It'd be different if LO was older maybe but your LO is so young. I'd refuse to let her have her more than once a week and for no longer than YOU feel comfy with. You did the right thing telling her she could come and visit, well done.


I didnt really say anything as i was a little shocked and didnt really know what to say, i always think of something really good to say about an hour later!


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## bigbetty

Wow - you go girl!!!!


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## Bubblefish

bigbetty said:


> Wow - you go girl!!!!


Lol, she just makes me so mad!! I am very nervously awaiting her reply now though and have that horrible butterfly feeling in my stomach....


----------



## tommyg

Bubble I'm no where near as diplomatic as Amethyst (looking forward to reading her reply). I'd be so so tempted to put an end to Mil taking LO anywhere. She really is forgetting that you are the mummy not her. 

Ok she's wanting to visit Thursday I'd be so tempted just to go out to piss her off. Go out visit your mum or friend or window shop anything. "Oh dear Mil I needed to go out forgot that you were coming round". 

She needs to know you are in charge not her.

What is DH saying? Have you let him read this thread?

Hugs Honey


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## tommyg

Bubble I've got butterflies for you! 
Well Done for sending it. You've confronted and let her know where she stands. I'd have gone down the cowardly disappearing act.


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Bubble I'm no where near as diplomatic as Amethyst (looking forward to reading her reply). I'd be so so tempted to put an end to Mil taking LO anywhere. She really is forgetting that you are the mummy not her.
> 
> Ok she's wanting to visit Thursday I'd be so tempted just to go out to piss her off. Go out visit your mum or friend or window shop anything. "Oh dear Mil I needed to go out forgot that you were coming round".
> 
> She needs to know you are in charge not her.
> 
> What is DH saying? Have you let him read this thread?
> 
> Hugs Honey



No he has no idea of this thread, i dont think he would be very happy with me talking about his mother online :blush:

Lol i like the idea about forgetting but she will prob turn up 8.30!!

Well im off to bed although doubt ill get much sleep! thankyou everyone for all the great advice, no reply from mil yet but will update if when i get one!

x


----------



## tommyg

That's where the pretending to be out comes in you open all the curtains as normal and sit upstairs with LO until she's been and gone. Once she's gone you go out.

When does DH leave for work?


----------



## AP

She's becoming outrageous now- I'd say she's had her chance


----------



## Ice Cold Cube

AtomicPink said:


> She's becoming outrageous now- I'd say she's had her chance

I totally agree. She's clearly obsessed with wanting to have your child all the time, and that's just not right. I think you have to tell your OH that this is the final straw for you and contact between your LO and MIL has to be severely limited in future.

Laura x


----------



## MrsPOP

Bubblefish said:


> I didnt really say anything as i was a little shocked and didnt really know what to say, *i always think of something really good to say about an hour later!*

Oh I'm always the same!!!!

Wow at the text, that's amazing! Does your OH know you've text her? Hope MIL realises now she's got to back down.


----------



## Betheney

OMG bubblefish.

She is pushing so HARD!!! and she is waiting for you to crack. You must push back. You must stand your ground (as you are doing successfully).

TBH i think the ONLY to correct this is to have definit set days. She's going to continually ask over and over and over. I think your only option is to say Thursdays only and no out and about visits. I know you've let her take baby in the past but your just going to have to say "I can't let you take her anymore, i have such huge amounts of separation anxiety when she's not here and i can't deal with it anymore" What the others said is right, she should enjoy both of your company not just the babies company. It really does sound like she likes to play mummy and i think it's twisted.

I'm so proud you sent that message, you know she's going to just ring your OH but as you are doing you must continue to stand your ground, it's your baby and her relationship with you is your responsibility, you owe it to yourself and your baby to continue on this path of standing your ground


----------



## hattiehippo

Bubblefish, you are doing a brilliant job of standing up to a nasty manipulative cow who is clearly used to getting her own way all the time. Well done sending that text.

Keep going and keep tough...your relationship with your LO is the most important thing here and you don't need her souring that by pretending she's her mummy. And I'd stop her having LO on her own altogether - I wouldn't trust what she's saying to your LO about you when you're not there.


----------



## ShanandBoc

Wow, she is not giving up is she? Its so disrespectful to you as her mother, its like u dont have a right to say what goes with your own child.

Interested to hear what she replies to that txt with


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## tommyg

Been thinking about you all night. Are you happy with the care LO recieves when with mil? I'm just thinking is mil filling LO up will all sorts of chocolate etc You know the scene LO ends up prefering granny because granny spoils her with junk.

I would be so tempted to put an end to her taking LO. The more I think about it the more I think shes 'not right in the head' I fear that she will be calling herself 'mum' to lo. And will do anything to undermine your parenting if not now but in another 6months / year when LO understands.

I really find it odd she takes LO shopping. Shopping with babies is hardly fun nor is it 'quality' time. 

I don't mean to scare the shit out of you. But something is making me feel very very uneasy. You've not mentoned Fil? Is there one? Is there a boyfriend???? 

Is there a Sil? Other grandkids? Does she do the same with them?

Could it be she never had a daughter and sees your's as the baby girl she never had? Is she greiveing for a still birth, or baby she put up for adoption? Does she use any nicknames or a name totally diffrent to LO's real name?

What does your own mum think of the situation? Having time alone with grandkids should be an occasional thing unless they're childminding for work purposes.

I hope I'm wrong but something is making me feel uneasy. I can't imagine either my mum or mil wanting to take my LO as much as your mil.


----------



## stardust599

Oh no :-( Hope you are ok and you got some sleep.

Can't believe she referred to LO as hers!

Personally, I think there needs to be some very clear boundaries. I'd limit visiting to once a week now for either an afternoon or morning and I wouldn't be letting her take LO either, it doesn't sound right to me and sounds as if she's trying to take over as LO's mother figure. She knows EXACTLY what she's doing.

When she visits I'd make sure all care is done by you - comforting, feeding, changing etc. MIL is there to visit and play only and it needs to be clear to both LO and MIL that you are the main caregiver and MIL is a relative only. When my Mum comes to visit she sometimes does my dishes or ironing (well not so much now LO is older) but still if I'm having a rough time while I spend some undisturbed time with LO. Or if I fancy a break she will amuse LO while I catch up on some housework or run errands. I visit my sister regularly and she spends time at mine too. We spend a huge amount of time together - 2/3 full days a week and we never try to take over with each others LOs. I play with my nephews and my sister plays with my LO and gets cuddles etc. but at feed, change or sleep time Mummy always takes over. If any of the LOs were to start crying they'd go back to Mummy for comforting too.

You're doing great, keep standing up for yourself. LO is YOUR baby and you're the only one who should have the mother/baby bond - LO loves you very much and you are the light of her world - don't let anyone try to steal that away.

xx


----------



## Natasha2605

I've been reading this thread silently for a while without replying because atm it hit too close to home for me regarrding issues with MILs.

But please, please, please stand your ground. I let my MIL walk all over me and my OH for far too long regarding many things, but mainly Summer. My MIL wanted to play mummy with Summer and told many many lies in the end in an attempt to get her own way.

Now we have cut all contact and she has not seen Summer for 6 weeks this Thursday. We've had to , for the sake of our relationship. My MIL is a manipulative, lying and decietful woman (not saying your is) but it took us nearly 18 months to realise enough was enough and put a stop to it.

So much of what you've said rings true with my own MIL, my own MILs next step when she wasnt getting her own way was to feign major illnesses and make us feel guilty for living two doors away from my family but an hour away from OH's, for work reasons more than anything.

I hope it works out, but tbh I think your MIL is already being really manipulative and possessive of your LO. And nothing good will come of that.


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Been thinking about you all night. Are you happy with the care LO recieves when with mil? I'm just thinking is mil filling LO up will all sorts of chocolate etc You know the scene LO ends up prefering granny because granny spoils her with junk.
> 
> I would be so tempted to put an end to her taking LO. The more I think about it the more I think shes 'not right in the head' I fear that she will be calling herself 'mum' to lo. And will do anything to undermine your parenting if not now but in another 6months / year when LO understands.
> 
> I really find it odd she takes LO shopping. Shopping with babies is hardly fun nor is it 'quality' time.
> 
> I don't mean to scare the shit out of you. But something is making me feel very very uneasy. You've not mentoned Fil? Is there one? Is there a boyfriend????
> 
> Is there a Sil? Other grandkids? Does she do the same with them?
> 
> Could it be she never had a daughter and sees your's as the baby girl she never had? Is she greiveing for a still birth, or baby she put up for adoption? Does she use any nicknames or a name totally diffrent to LO's real name?
> 
> What does your own mum think of the situation? Having time alone with grandkids should be an occasional thing unless they're childminding for work purposes.
> 
> I hope I'm wrong but something is making me feel uneasy. I can't imagine either my mum or mil wanting to take my LO as much as your mil.


Every time they go shopping she buys things for lo, toys, clothes etc. Yesterday she bought her 2 new toys and a few dummies. I think thats what it's all about, she likes to buy things for lo.

Yeah there is a fil, i dont realy mention him as he is mostly at work but he is a nice guy and i actually feel realy sorry for him as when he is around he hardly gets a look in and it makes me quite sad as i want my lo to have a good relationship with him too but shes not getting the chance.

My oh has 2 brothers, none of which have children yet, my lo is the first girl in the family and i know for a fact she sees her as the daughter she never had because before having lo she actually used to say those words to me! And i think since having lo she has now put my lo in that role!
She has told me many times before having lo that she has always wanted a daughter.

My mum never asks for lo on her own as she likes to spend time with me aswell but i feel realy bad letting mil have alone time with my lo and not my mum!


----------



## Bubblefish

stardust599 said:


> Oh no :-( Hope you are ok and you got some sleep.
> 
> Can't believe she referred to LO as hers!
> 
> Personally, I think there needs to be some very clear boundaries. I'd limit visiting to once a week now for either an afternoon or morning and I wouldn't be letting her take LO either, it doesn't sound right to me and sounds as if she's trying to take over as LO's mother figure. She knows EXACTLY what she's doing.
> 
> When she visits I'd make sure all care is done by you - comforting, feeding, changing etc. MIL is there to visit and play only and it needs to be clear to both LO and MIL that you are the main caregiver and MIL is a relative only. When my Mum comes to visit she sometimes does my dishes or ironing (well not so much now LO is older) but still if I'm having a rough time while I spend some undisturbed time with LO. Or if I fancy a break she will amuse LO while I catch up on some housework or run errands. I visit my sister regularly and she spends time at mine too. We spend a huge amount of time together - 2/3 full days a week and we never try to take over with each others LOs. I play with my nephews and my sister plays with my LO and gets cuddles etc. but at feed, change or sleep time Mummy always takes over. If any of the LOs were to start crying they'd go back to Mummy for comforting too.
> 
> *You're doing great, keep standing up for yourself. LO is YOUR baby and you're the only one who should have the mother/baby bond - LO loves you very much and you are the light of her world - don't let anyone try to steal that away.*
> 
> xx

Thankyou :hugs:

I think you are right about me doing all the feeding, changing etc and will deffinately be doing this, even though mil will try her best to take over!


----------



## RedRose

I've been reading your thread for a while, I really feel for you, you're doing really well.

I wonder if at this point it might be worth reiterating to both MIL and your OH that MIL can still play an important role in your lives and that you love her, but that while your baby is so small still you want to do all of the childcare and this is vitally important to you. You are not being unreasonable in any way, and you do deserve for your decisions to be respected.

I think you should take this approach cos I imagine her next move will be to squinny to your OH and lay on the guilt. You must make sure you and OH are always on the same page about this, and I think your OH will find it much easier to back you up if you're not steaming angry. 

I think she has behaved horribly, and she should have had the sense and selflessness to think about how her behaviour would make you feel as a new mum.


----------



## Bubblefish

Mils reply:
I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x


----------



## Mya209

I think some replies on here may be a little over the top! She's just over the top and obsessed with the new baby! I think it's quite common! I used to like playing mum with my neice who I adore and taking her out just the two of us was joyful! I totally support the OP for everything she has done, MIL needs telling etc but it doesn't mean she's a complete psychopath! She's just obsessed with the new baby!


----------



## bigbetty

Bubblefish said:


> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x

Oh she's clever. Tell her to come round at a set time, then tell her she can visit 1 or 2 days a week - whatever suits you - and she can have a couple of hours with the both of you. She can take LO out but you will be going too. Say you are starting to establish a routine and she needs to fit in with that. And definitely no taking over of care!!!!


----------



## stardust599

Can your Mum take LO this afternoon so MIL can come over without LO there while you sort something out??

I would agree to a visit once a week xx


----------



## k4th

bigbetty said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x
> 
> Oh she's clever. Tell her to come round at a set time, then tell her she can visit 1 or 2 days a week - whatever suits you - and she can have a couple of hours with the both of you. She can take LO out but you will be going too. Say you are starting to establish a routine and she needs to fit in with that. And definitely no taking over of care!!!!Click to expand...

Definately WSS!

I also think you really need to get your oh on board a little. I agree with an earlier comment you made that letting him see this post might be a bit much - I wouldn't want my oh knowing everything I think about MIL!! But, I think you need to put up a united front. This shouldn't be such a burdon on you whilst he simply says 'oh, it's normal for MIL to want to spend time like this'.

You need to make it clear that YOUR OWN mum isn't doing all of these things with LO and you're just not comfortable with it whilse LO is so small. I'd also make it clear that you want some family time over the weekends - just the three of you so it doesn't matter whether MIL asks you or him, the answer is the same. Sit him down and make him understand where you are coming from.

My personal feeling is that when LO is older (much older) she might want to spend a weekend with grandma or go for days out. I loved doing this with my Grandma and really cherish the time we had together. But I was old enough to understand, I made some of the choices myself and my Mum was comfortable with it.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you to face & deal with (practically) on your own :hugs: Get oh on board and make decisions as a family. You are completely entitled to spend all of your time with LO - regardless of what my MIL says she is not taking LO without me for a long time yet & if your oh understands, then the message might get through to MIL. Right now, she just doesn't seem to get it! :dohh:

And as for 'I really miss her & I'm sure she's really missing me too' - pish!!! Clearly emotional blackmail - how dare she suggest you are doing something that upsets your LO! Irritating woman!


----------



## AP

I think i would stop this alone time and visit once a week is sufficient. You dont want to look back on your early months with LO and remember all this hassle.

My MIL sucks up when shes gone to far - but its gone right back to how it was before. Once you give a inch sometimes they take a mile.



k4th said:


> And as for 'I really miss her & I'm sure she's really missing me too' - pish!!! Clearly emotional blackmail - how dare she suggest you are doing something that upsets your LO! Irritating woman!

i agree.

Remember your reasoning for posting in the first place - you were worried LO favoured her. It isn't the case , but MIL is determined to keep this up.


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Mil returned lo at 1.50 so ten mins early!
> 
> When she left though she asked me.. 'when can i have her again then, tomorrow?' !!!! I said er no!! and she said well ok then well what about thursday? I was so shocked at her cheek i wasnt realy sure what to say!! so i ended up saying 'you can come see her but you cant take her' and she said ok then and then went on to say well seing as your not letting me see her much anymore, next time i take her can i have her for longer, i asked what she had in mind (curious) and she said well i could bring her back at 8 next time. I said no way thats way too long to which she replied 'no it isnt' and laughed!!!!!!!!
> 
> Omg how can she seriously think i'd be ok with her taking my child for so long and so often??????? Like seriously come on, what is going on in her head????
> 
> I just feel so angry right now.
> 
> Oh and another few things that have pissed me off today....
> 
> she kept calling lo her baby! an example:
> 
> LO was crying when i was changing her as she has a bit of a sore bum, mil comes over and says to lo 'aww whats wrong with my poor baby, tell me whats wrong my poor baby'
> 
> another thing was when i asked what theyd been doing etc she said 'we just went over to my place and then popped to the shops, didnt have time to do the things i had planned'
> 
> ARGHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST NEED TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right, I'll try to keep this short but y'all may have noticed that I do tend to waffle once I get going.

She is pushing as hard as she can and still being disrespectful of your role as a Mother and your feelings. It isn't right at all, it is perfectly obvious that, despite expressing your concerns and trying to set reasonable boundaries, she has no intention of taking your feelings into account or changing her damaging behaviour.

My one main suggestion is that she no longer takes LO away from your home. There is no good reason for her to be doing this, she doesn't take her anywhere to entertain or enrich your child's day. Sorry to phrase it like this but if she wants an accessory to carry around and show off tell her to buy herself a new handbag or a little dog. 

With reasonable people you can set respectful boundaries and expect cooperation. With someone like your MIL you are going to have to take things a step further. You no longer have boundaries, you have rules. 

You will not refer to my child as yours.
You will not take over her care.
You will not take her away for hours at a time.
You will respect me as a person and as her Mother.
You will not bad mouth me to my Husband.
You will not come over uninvited or unannounced.
You will respect us as a family.
You will respect our decisions.

If these rules are not adhered to, there are consequences, each and everytime. There is no other way of dealing with this woman. Even if you put this in place, she will continue to push and it may take a few times of you having to tell her to back off and not visit for a couple of weeks in order to make her realise that although she doesn't agree with your reasonable set of rules, she will damn well comply with them.

Look at that list above. Is anything unreasonable? Is there anything on there that will offend? The majority of them should be things that happen automatically and the fact that you have to ask for them should tell you and DH a lot about who you are dealing with. If DH questions any of this ask him some things. Do you think that I should be disrespected as a Mother? How would you have felt if someone had acted like this to your Mum? Why do you put your Mother's feelings above your wife's?

I can't reiterate enough that your answers need to be vague. You don't need to justify what you have decided or give her explanations. Can I have LO tomorrow? No, I'm afraid that doesn't work for us. What about Thursday? No, we will be busy then. Can I have her for longer? No, the time you had her was quite long enough. When can I have her then? We will let you know. Don't be dragged into explanations or arguments. If she continues in the same way, I've already answered that MIL, please don't ask again. The calmer you can be, the stronger you can state your reply and the more she will have to pay attention. 

I warn you in advance, her next step is to go back to your Husband. 



Bubblefish said:


> I have just txt her with this:
> 
> I really do not understand why you keep going on at me about spending more time with lo when i give you more than enough time already, i let you take her even though i miss her the whole time yet you still dont appreciate it. If you carry on this way then you can come over to see her but you will not be taking her anymore and if it still carries on after that, then you wont be coming over to see her at all, your choice.
> 
> 
> I know i probably shouldnt have sent it, and my heart was pounding when i pressed send but i am just soo bloody angry right now, i know i wont sleep tonight thinking it all over in my head and getting wound up.

I completely understand why you wrote this, I really do. My thoughts is that she will probably go through your DH and act the victim. If she doesn't do that, then she may come straight at you with some fairly nasty things to say for herself. No matter what, stay calm. No matter what she says, calls you or tries to bait you with, do not respond. Your mantra in this case is: You are upset, I will discuss this with you when you are calm. If she refuses to remove herself from the situation, remove yourself. If she follows you then you have to be very strong and continue to say that you are unwilling to talk about it until she can get a hold on herself. 

You are doing really well but this is the point where you need DH on board. If he is then MIL can't continue with her behaviour. If he isn't you are going to have to respectfully request that if DH isn't willing to support you, that he takes himself out of the situation and that you and MIL will deal with each other directly. He can not abdicate his support of you and yet still expect to interfere. He supports you or he lets you deal with the situation unhindered... which is his choice?

Keep your head up high, you are doing really well and if she could your LO would tell you how proud she is of her Mummy.

Poo, it's a short novel again. Sorry guys :blush:


----------



## BabaPu

Bubblefish said:


> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x

Quite a selfish reply isn't it - she seems to have made it about her and her needs. You've already explained to her that its hurts YOU when your lo is away from you so, really, her feelings are irrelevant. Though it is helpful that she has suggestsed a talk to work something out, its not about finding something that suits you both. She should be fitting in with you and your needs and the needs of your lo. I feel like she's trying a guilt trip with "I'm sure she'll be missing me too". Erm, no! You're not really that important to her - she has her mummy and that's all she needs.

She already does see a lot of your lo. To put it into perspective, I live within half an hour drive of my outlaws and they visit once a week for probably no longer than 2 hours. Occasionally we will pop in to see them in passing if we've been to the metro centre but that certainly isn't a regular thing. I would never let them take him without me being there, but I've never had to deal with that request.

She comes across as quite manipulative so, if you agree to a talk, then you may need to be on your guard. I don't like confrontation and, if it were me, I may find myself agreeing to things that half ann hour later wished I hadn't. It might be helpful if you decide first what you are and are not happy with in respect to access and then don't sway from that.

Just to reiterate - it really isnt about her. She needs to fit in with you.


----------



## Ice Cold Cube

I'd be very careful about having her over to 'work something out'. She is basically saying that what you have been offering doesn't work for her and she is only going to try and get more and more time with LO out of you. If you think that she will turn on the water works and use emotional blackmail to wear you down when you see her, then don't talk to her about it face to face. If you think you'll be stronger talking to her over the phone, just text her back and say something like - *'Thanks for your text *[to acknowledge her apology and reiterate that fact that she has been in the wrong]. *I don't think we need to have a big discussion about it and go over old ground, but I'll give you a call soon to make firm arrangements about when you can have/visit LO once a week *(or however often you want).

Laura x


----------



## k4th

LouiseET said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> She comes across as quite manipulative so,* if you agree to a talk, then you may need to be on your guard.* I don't like confrontation and, if it were me, I may find myself agreeing to things that half ann hour later wished I hadn't. It might be helpful if you decide first what you are and are not happy with in respect to access and then don't sway from that.
> 
> Just to reiterate - it really isnt about her. She needs to fit in with you.
> 
> Really agree with this. People who want their own way will often go along with the first half of the conversation - you will just start to think 'ooooh she's being reasonable, so I might let her do .................'. the second you think that, they smell it & start with the emotional stuff and twist things round on you.
> 
> I much prefer the idea of txting back instead. Don't get caught up in this any more than you have to. It's all drama you don't need & you need to enjoy LO instead of focusing on this woman. She's still winning in a way because even when she's not physically there, you're thinkning/worrying about her. She wants to be the focus of attnetion so I'd minimise the spotlight as much as possible.
> 
> :hugs: I really hope this gets sorted out once & for all soon xxClick to expand...


----------



## AP

She needs a new hobby, tbh.... or a puppy....


----------



## AmethystDream

Bubblefish said:


> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x

That's what happens when you write a stupidly long post back... you miss updates!

Be very wary.

She did know that it upset you because you told her so. She isn't sorry because she has continued. Yes she may love LO and she may miss her, but her time with LO was becoming unhealthy and trying to take over your relationship with your own Daughter. 'You're hurting me/she is missing me' Disregard this emotional blackmail. See? She is still pulling strings. You tried to speak to her and have a 'proper talk' and she completely disregarded what you said, went behind your back to your Husband and continued the same horrible behaviour. Working out what suits you both is getting you to soften your stance over visits and negotiate so she gets more time. This is not respecting your decisions or taking your feelings into account.

This text she sent back is complete balls. Again, be very cautious with her. 

*MIL, I feel the same way as I did when I had a proper talk with you, so there is nothing to add to that. Respect what we discussed and then there won't be any further problems.*


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## Faffalina

Originally Posted by Bubblefish 
Mils reply:
I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x 

Erm... I would also point out to her that when she takes LO so often, you miss your LO. Why is this all about her relationship with your baby? Ask her how she might have felt if someone took her first child at times when she didn't need the help.

And correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like she is still seeing your baby every other day??


----------



## tommyg

Bubblefish said:


> tommyg said:
> 
> 
> Been thinking about you all night. Are you happy with the care LO recieves when with mil? I'm just thinking is mil filling LO up will all sorts of chocolate etc You know the scene LO ends up prefering granny because granny spoils her with junk.
> 
> I would be so tempted to put an end to her taking LO. The more I think about it the more I think shes 'not right in the head' I fear that she will be calling herself 'mum' to lo. And will do anything to undermine your parenting if not now but in another 6months / year when LO understands.
> 
> I really find it odd she takes LO shopping. Shopping with babies is hardly fun nor is it 'quality' time.
> 
> I don't mean to scare the shit out of you. But something is making me feel very very uneasy. You've not mentoned Fil? Is there one? Is there a boyfriend????
> 
> Is there a Sil? Other grandkids? Does she do the same with them?
> 
> Could it be she never had a daughter and sees your's as the baby girl she never had? Is she greiveing for a still birth, or baby she put up for adoption? Does she use any nicknames or a name totally diffrent to LO's real name?
> 
> What does your own mum think of the situation? Having time alone with grandkids should be an occasional thing unless they're childminding for work purposes.
> 
> I hope I'm wrong but something is making me feel uneasy. I can't imagine either my mum or mil wanting to take my LO as much as your mil.
> 
> 
> Every time they go shopping she buys things for lo, toys, clothes etc. Yesterday she bought her 2 new toys and a few dummies. I think thats what it's all about, she likes to buy things for lo.
> 
> Yeah there is a fil, i dont realy mention him as he is mostly at work but he is a nice guy and i actually feel realy sorry for him as when he is around he hardly gets a look in and it makes me quite sad as i want my lo to have a good relationship with him too but shes not getting the chance.
> 
> My oh has 2 brothers, none of which have children yet, my lo is the first girl in the family and i know for a fact she sees her as the daughter she never had because before having lo she actually used to say those words to me! And i think since having lo she has now put my lo in that role!
> She has told me many times before having lo that she has always wanted a daughter.
> 
> My mum never asks for lo on her own as she likes to spend time with me aswell but i feel realy bad letting mil have alone time with my lo and not my mum!Click to expand...

What a relief Fil is at work and never gets a look in. I was worried that she was so obsessed because she was letting somebody else have access IYKWIM.

She has 3 sons and wants / wanted a daughter. She was happy to make do with you before your girl was born. But your baby girl has become an obsession since she never had a girl. I don't think you would have had these issues if LO was a boy. You have to keep in mind that she can't be allowed to treat your girl any diffrently from any future sons that you may have. Any more than you would treat your children diffrently. 

With regards to her text. Would text back and say something along the lines of "We tried to chat, you didn't listen or take action with what I said, I think from now on you will be welcome to visit on a XXXXday afternoon. I don't think it's healthy for LO or for you to be so possessive of her and to spoilt her so much" 

Very much a like it or not this is my response! You are doing so well to regaine control keep at it.


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## ttcnewbie123

I've just read most of this thread and am shocked, I think your MIL seriously needs help! This is not normal. MIL should be spending time with LO with you in your home, she shouldnt be taking her out for hours on end, shes your child! I'm thinking an hour every few days is MORE THAN ENOUGH time for a grandparent to be spending with their grandchild. GL xx


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## tina3747

It's like Eastenders, keep coming on to see what's happened next and there should be the duff duff cliff hanger music at the end if the last text you sent!! Seriously though, I think she needs burying under the patio... Or was that brookside?!? 

I thought I had an annoying MIL... You've the patience of a saint!! And your hubby needs to listen and tell her, it shouldn't be you having to be the 'bad guy' all the time.


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## Supermaiden

I think some of this isnt as bad as its being made out. My mum/dad/brother AND sister all say "my baby". "helloo my baby" etc, they dont mean it as its their baby!

I would definitely say to her though if she is grabbing at the baby's feet when she is eating "can you stop that please, youre interfering with her eating, would you like someone to grab your feet when youre eating?" or ask if you can grab her feet next time he eats and see if she likes it lol. Poor kid being interrupted like that at food time, Im sure that will cause problems in the end with dinnertime!


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## tommyg

Supermaiden said:


> I think some of this isnt as bad as its being made out. My mum/dad/brother AND sister all say "my baby". "helloo my baby" etc, they dont mean it as its their baby!
> 
> I would definitely say to her though if she is grabbing at the baby's feet when she is eating "can you stop that please, youre interfering with her eating, would you like someone to grab your feet when youre eating?" or ask if you can grab her feet next time he eats and see if she likes it lol. Poor kid being interrupted like that at food time, Im sure that will cause problems in the end with dinnertime!

The "my baby" thing has to be taken with the bigger picture. I am sure your family don't all want to take your baby out every day of the week and play mummy. Grabbing baby's feet while she is eating is undermining mum and diverting babys attention to Granny. 

You could say is Granny jealous of Mummy as she would love to be in Mummys shoes and have a wee baby girl of her own. But she doesn't have a baby girl of her own so she is trying to muscle her way in and take over from Mummy using every tactic that she can.


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## Supermaiden

tommyg said:


> The "my baby" thing has to be taken with the bigger picture. I am sure your family don't all want to take your baby out every day of the week and play mummy. Grabbing baby's feet while she is eating is undermining mum and diverting babys attention to Granny.
> 
> You could say is Granny jealous of Mummy as she would love to be in Mummys shoes and have a wee baby girl of her own. But she doesn't have a baby girl of her own so she is trying to muscle her way in and take over from Mummy using every tactic that she can.

Yes, I agree. Its not normal behaviour certainly. My mum doesnt do this. She has asked to have the baby and has had him overnight on 2 seperate occasions (once to give us a break, and the other because she wanted him) I had no problem with this. In the circumstances of this thread though I definitely wouldnt allow overnights or too often taking the baby out, wouldnt an hour or two be enough for that, not a whole day?


----------



## Palestrina

Bubblefish said:


> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x

Not only should you not allow her to take your LO away from you, but *YOU should never be alone with this woman again*. Seriously. This response sounds so "oh I'm sorry, let's make it work." But it's not for your benefit, it's because she knows you'll show it to OH and she wants to sound like a victim, while your text to her sounds outright agressive in comparison. That's her tactic - to make you look like the bad guy.

Have you spoken to your mom about this? Can you enlist her help? You need to arrange it so that when your MIL comes around you are not alone with her. She is constantly getting you to renegotiate with her and you need someone there who will help you be stronger or at least be a witness to what's happening. My guess is she doesn't say things like that when others are around. There should be no more alone time with your LO or with you. You must always have support, she can't go on about being "the grandmother" when the other grandmother is there.

Don't forget that when you first gave birth this woman kept your baby away from you. She has had no respect for you as a mother from the very beginning. How long before you realize that and stop negotiating with her?


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## kiraelliott

How stupid that she thinks LO would miss her... more like forget her and at this rate it sounds like that wouldn't be such a bad idea! lol.

What your MIL has to realise is that *she isn't legally entitled to access with your child!* Mine was the same - kept thinking that because she was a blood relative and a girl that she was somehow entitled to take her out because she never had a girl of her own.

My MIL got so frustrated she started shouting at DH in the street and sending everyone around with messages filled with tears and emotional blackmail - it got out of hand... sounds like it's headed that way but it's probably needed. 

Keep doing what you're doing though you're doing great - which i'd had the sense to get help on here when I was having troubles!

xxx


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## hattiehippo

Your MIL is quite simply a manipulative lady who is tryign everything she can to get her own way. Why should you come to an arrangement with her about YOUR baby? Why is her missing having YOUR baby more important than you relationship with your own daughter?

Its rough that she feels that she missed out by only having sons but tough, that's life, get over it. Your daughter is not there for her to relive having a child or to fill what she feels she missed out on. You are the most important person in your daughter's life and you must make sure you call all the shots and don't give her an inch.

She sees your daughter so much even at once a week. None of my or OH's family live near us so my MIL and step mum see Tom 5 to 6 times a year and that's it. MIL has looked after Tom once overnight for a wedding anniversary and that was totally on my terms so I was happy with it.

You can't get this time with your daughter back. Don't let this woman take it from you.


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## KristelB

Hi hun didn't just want to read and run. That sounds just awful to me. I would be so upset myself. I would just be more forceful like someone else mentioned her and if it offends her then so be it. I've already talked to OH that if anyone wants to help me, then they would have to help with taking care of the house, not baby. I want that bond with baby from the beginning. I'll be putting my foot down from the start even if it means I have to be a little harsh to MIL


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## AP

Reading this frustrates me, because it brings a lot of things back! I know in the early days my OH never understood the significance of things. She took advantage of my naivety to be honest. 

It was probably about 7/8 months old I snapped. It was Christmas time and she want to send out pictures of LO on the front of her Christmas cards. This made me blow my top when I found out and she cried when OH told her no.
She asked for pictures of LO. DH being stupid, copied the whole memory card of very sensitive neonatal pictures onto a USB stick to her. When he came home and told me, I almost threw up.

It was then I sat him down and explained how wrong the whole thing was getting. He's pretty much got the picture, sometimes he slips up but with the help of BnB I have learned what's meant to be right and wrong for me and drilled it into him too :rofl:

I read your first post out to him and ask him what he thought, just to test the water. He thought it resembled someone he knew....... :winkwink:

She still pushes the boundaries, still takes the piss when shes old enough to know better, but as long as i have DH on my side it's easier now.


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## AlwaysPraying

Wow, this woman is so passive agressive! She's making you feel bad for not giving up your baby to her? That makes no sense. I could see if you were withholding baby and never let her see baby. But you are doing such a great job at giving her everything she wants. 

I think it's time to seriously turn the tables. Instead of saying what works best for her and your baby, tell her how you want her to fit into your relationship with your baby. You probably need to remind her of that as well. Relatoinship #1 is your family, relationship #2 is babies relationship with the rest of the family. This isn't about making her happy, but honeslty, it's not about pissing her off either. Some mothers, just like some people, need more attention and interraction than others. Personally, I'd love if I could give my boy to my mil and mom twice a week! But that' sonly because I don't get the chance. I totally feel your annoyance with how much she's bugging you. Her language is really annoying too, very passive agressive. 

Somehow you have to accept how she is, because that won't change, what you can get across is how she's going to be in your life, and honestly, it sounds like she's accepting how much you let her see baby, but isn't happy about it. Soon it will be second nature and she will accept it and be fine with it (because what are the alternatives?). 

Funny story (pathetically sad story actually), we had an "incident" happen in our family and fil actually said to my husband, "your mother (my mil) has waited 50 years to become a grandmother you know, 50 years". Because of something that happened, it was MY fault that I screwed up HER being a grandma. Let me tell you, I didn't screw anything up, I stood up for myself!!! UGH!


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## krissy1984

wow you're a saint putting up with her! put your foot down this is your baby not hers, she doesn't have a right to be alone with the baby if you want to be there. I'd have said she can forget taking her out on her own for a while now tbh x


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## Bubblefish

Another little update..

I text mil and said i didnt think it was necessary for us to meet up today for a chat as i said everything i had to say in our last chat. She then rang me and went on for a bit about how she didnt want us to fall out etc, i then explained to her that we dont have to fall out but she is making it impossible for us to get along when she wont listen to a word im saying! Anyway she appologised and started going on about how she just loves spending time with lo, i told her i am not stopping her from seing her but that for the time being if she wanted to take lo out i would be coming along too and she can visit aslong as she checks to see if i have plans that day first instead of just turning up! She didnt say much after this, infact she went a bit quiet and sounded a bit tearful, made me feel guilty but i just ended the call saying i would txt her when we were next free.

I do feel realy guilty now but i know i need to be strong.


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## MrsPOP

Dont feel guilty! My word this woman really knows how to twist the knife and make it all about HER. Did she carry LO for 9months? Did she go through Labour and deliver LO? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But she made it clear from the offset she thinks in her head she did by holding your LO before you did, you poor thing I cant imagine how upsetting that was. I didnt hold LO for 1 hour after (I was pretty ill after EMCS) and it was so horrible that i couldnt hold her.

Have you told OH about the latest updates?


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## Bubblefish

Yeah i rang him and told him, he couldnt realy talk as he was working but said we could talk properly when he gets home x


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## special_kala

I wonder how your mil was with her mil when youbhusband was a baby...


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## MrsPOP

Ok well hopefully he'll man up and support you. I understand some partners arent as supportive though, its taken me 7 years to make DH realise his family are a bunch of cold hearted freaks! xxx


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## AmethystDream

Well I think that you have done absolutely brilliantly! It was what you needed to do and you did it in just the right way. 

Beware of any intervention by your DH when MIL goes crying to him, it is the only thing that could put this off the rails.


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## k4th

Well done you!!!! I'm really pleased to hear how amazingly u dealt with her. U were fab!

Now get oh on side & don't let her manipulate him!

Xx


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## bigbetty

AmethystDream said:


> Well I think that you have done absolutely brilliantly! It was what you needed to do and you did it in just the right way.
> 
> Beware of any intervention by your DH when MIL goes crying to him, it is the only thing that could put this off the rails.

If that happens you tell DH and MIL that you have made your decision and you are being more than fair. It's not up to DH to tell you how much time MIL can spend with you and LO xx


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## indy and lara

You have done really wel by standing strong but need to keep strong now. It is hard when someone makes you feel like you have upset them but remember that you are in the right here. Lots of people only see the grandchildren infrequently due to where they live in the country- it is not her right to see your LO everyday and spend copious amounts of time on her own with her. 

I would perhaps think about saying she can have LO on X day for the afternoon or morning and make that a regular fixture and then maybe 1 visit a week to your home. You need to find your own routine and that is almost impossible with granny pitching up unannounced every day!


----------



## ttcnewbie123

Bubblefish said:


> Another little update..
> 
> I text mil and said i didnt think it was necessary for us to meet up today for a chat as i said everything i had to say in our last chat. She then rang me and went on for a bit about how she didnt want us to fall out etc, i then explained to her that we dont have to fall out but she is making it impossible for us to get along when she wont listen to a word im saying! Anyway she appologised and started going on about how she just loves spending time with lo, i told her i am not stopping her from seing her but that for the time being if she wanted to take lo out i would be coming along too and she can visit aslong as she checks to see if i have plans that day first instead of just turning up! She didnt say much after this, infact she went a bit quiet and sounded a bit tearful, made me feel guilty but i just ended the call saying i would txt her when we were next free.
> 
> I do feel realy guilty now but i know i need to be strong.

Well done you xx


----------



## hb1

Bubblefish said:


> Mils reply:
> I didnt mean to do anything to upset you, im realy sorry, i just love her so much i just love spending time with her and not seing her asmuch is realy hurting me i miss her so much and im sure she'll be missing me too. Can i come over and we can have a proper talk and try and work something out that suits us both x

I would reply - we did have a proper talk and I told you what suits me - as this is my daughter and my time with her this is how it will have to be.

eta - should've read to the end - you've done brilliantly!!


----------



## Ice Cold Cube

Well done you!!! You should feel very proud of the way you are handling this.

Laura x


----------



## tommyg

Well Done

Don't let her make you feel guilty. You have a right to spend time bonding with your baby away from MIL. You have a right to get back to those baby groups and meet other young mums and for LO to meet other babies. 

MIL needs to find herself other friends. People to boast about her granddaughter too. It's unhealthy for her to constantly want to spent all her time with you and LO. Think about it you would be really worried about a child who wanted to spend all their time with you and not with other people their own age. I would have no wish to spend all of my time with my mother or mil. My mother has no wish to spend all of her time with my grandmother or vice versa.

If she spent less time with LO then she'd make sure it was quality time. The last time she brought her back she said _they'd been to her house and to the shops and never had time to do the things she'd planned_ so why did she waste time doing those things if she had something else planned???? WHat was it she had planned???


----------



## Palestrina

I didn't think the list of beneficial reasons to breastfeed could get any longer, but here is yet another reason I'm so glad I BF. There's not a single person that can do it except me, so nobody can claim rights to my kid for more then an hour at most. Hang strong!


----------



## Mya209

^^^ this!!!


----------



## princess_bump

Well done you! You've done brilliantly standing your ground hon. this woman is a master manipulator and everything that happens she turns it around on herself!! LO is YOUR baby, not mil's and mil MUST fit in with you and i'm sorry, but tow the line to! what mummy says goes!
i have to say i've read all this thread and found it so hard and felt so much for you, we've had kinda similar. in fact, we have cut all contact with in laws for 16 months, in our 3 year olds life they've seen her a handful of times - contact till she was 6 weeks, then nothing to 14 months, then at 21months all contact was cut. my mil was different to you, but terribly self centred, everything was about her and if people don't really what these manipulative woman are doing, then you can mistake it all for nice-y's! i can assure you it's not! you lose terrible sleep over it and feel awfully guilty thinking it's their granddaughter.

from someone who's been through it all, the most important bit of advice i'd give is stand as a united front with your OH. my husband no's how his mother was too me, thankfully and we've always been united on the fact of how horrid they were, but tried because they are maddi's grandparents. 

we've come to realise blood grandparents doesn't matter and couldn't have them and their toxic behaviour around our daughter (now daughters) when they would soon realise what was going on. 

you obviously don't want it to go as far as no contact like us, stay strong lovely and stand your ground. you are her mother, you deserve time with her and dictate when LO see's mil and also, you come as a package, if she wants time with lo, don't be afraid to have it with you both, she can HELP you, it's not visitation rights where she as set times to take LO, LO isn't a possession, she doesn't 'belong' to mil.

thinking of you :hugs: xxxxxxxx


----------



## AP

You've come long way-well done x


----------



## Blu10

Good for you chick, your MIL would play a good part in the hand that rocks tha cradle. I'd seriously limit the time she spends with LO and definitely wouldn't allow her to take her on her own.
I really
Hope DH is backing you up on this now x


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Well Done
> 
> Don't let her make you feel guilty. You have a right to spend time bonding with your baby away from MIL. You have a right to get back to those baby groups and meet other young mums and for LO to meet other babies.
> 
> MIL needs to find herself other friends. People to boast about her granddaughter too. It's unhealthy for her to constantly want to spent all her time with you and LO. Think about it you would be really worried about a child who wanted to spend all their time with you and not with other people their own age. I would have no wish to spend all of my time with my mother or mil. My mother has no wish to spend all of her time with my grandmother or vice versa.
> 
> If she spent less time with LO then she'd make sure it was quality time. The last time she brought her back she said _they'd been to her house and to the shops and never had time to do the things she'd planned_ so why did she waste time doing those things if she had something else planned???? WHat was it she had planned???

Before lo came along (when i wasnt living with mil) i only saw her once or twice a week so she must have other things to do but chooses to come over and see lo instead which would be fine every now and again but not every free day she has!!

She didn't say what her plans were but i think it was just a dig at her not being able to have lo for longer.


----------



## Bubblefish

Palestrina said:


> I didn't think the list of beneficial reasons to breastfeed could get any longer, but here is yet another reason I'm so glad I BF. There's not a single person that can do it except me, so nobody can claim rights to my kid for more then an hour at most. Hang strong!

I BF for the first few weeks but had problems were my boobs and nipples were really sore and so decided to go onto bottle for a few days and then lo wouldnt go back on the boob :( I wish id tried harder to stick to it i really do and i also keep thinking this would have been another reason to (lo wouldnt be able to go out without me) and wish every day that i did :(


----------



## pinklizzy

:hugs:


----------



## Bubblefish

princess_bump said:


> Well done you! You've done brilliantly standing your ground hon. this woman is a master manipulator and everything that happens she turns it around on herself!! LO is YOUR baby, not mil's and mil MUST fit in with you and i'm sorry, but tow the line to! what mummy says goes!
> i have to say i've read all this thread and found it so hard and felt so much for you, we've had kinda similar. in fact, we have cut all contact with in laws for 16 months, in our 3 year olds life they've seen her a handful of times - contact till she was 6 weeks, then nothing to 14 months, then at 21months all contact was cut. my mil was different to you, but terribly self centred, everything was about her and if people don't really what these manipulative woman are doing, then you can mistake it all for nice-y's! i can assure you it's not! you lose terrible sleep over it and feel awfully guilty thinking it's their granddaughter.
> 
> from someone who's been through it all, the most important bit of advice i'd give is stand as a united front with your OH. my husband no's how his mother was too me, thankfully and we've always been united on the fact of how horrid they were, but tried because they are maddi's grandparents.
> 
> we've come to realise blood grandparents doesn't matter and couldn't have them and their toxic behaviour around our daughter (now daughters) when they would soon realise what was going on.
> 
> you obviously don't want it to go as far as no contact like us, stay strong lovely and stand your ground. you are her mother, you deserve time with her and dictate when LO see's mil and also, you come as a package, if she wants time with lo, don't be afraid to have it with you both, she can HELP you, it's not visitation rights where she as set times to take LO, LO isn't a possession, she doesn't 'belong' to mil.
> 
> thinking of you :hugs: xxxxxxxx


Thankyou :hugs:

Im sorry you went through a bad time with your inlaws too, im hoping it wont come to cutting all ties with her but i can deffinately understand why some people have to do this!


----------



## tommyg

I guess that she must have had a life of her own before you had LO. So she needs to pick that life back up and let you and LO live your lives. You are probably right that she never really had a plan and it was just a dig to push the boundarys. She knows that you are taking control back, doesn't like it and is pushing every way she can. 

Set the rules and go with it.

Yes it would have been easy to say NO if you were Bfing but BFing doesn't work for everybody and wouldn't be the answer as she would start asking for LO as soon as you started weaning.

Here's a daft one for you. BLW and the mess that goes with it might just might put her off wanting to feed LO in her house. Also if you put LO in charge then she doesn't get to play mummy spoon feeding LO.


----------



## bigbetty

What did DH say when you told him?


----------



## angelic_one

Bubblefish said:


> Palestrina said:
> 
> 
> I didn't think the list of beneficial reasons to breastfeed could get any longer, but here is yet another reason I'm so glad I BF. There's not a single person that can do it except me, so nobody can claim rights to my kid for more then an hour at most. Hang strong!
> 
> I BF for the first few weeks but had problems were my boobs and nipples were really sore and so decided to go onto bottle for a few days and then lo wouldnt go back on the boob :( I wish id tried harder to stick to it i really do and i also keep thinking this would have been another reason to (lo wouldnt be able to go out without me) and wish every day that i did :(Click to expand...


Awww honey you shouldn't feel bad. :hugs::hugs: It'll all work out okay, don't punish yourself you've done NOTHING wrong.:hugs:


----------



## Bubblefish

Well me and dh chatted when he got home and i told him about everything that had been said between us. He was really upset and said he understands me not wanting her to take lo all the time and for so long but he doesnt see the problem with her coming over to visit. I explained to him i dont mind it sometimes but not all the time and that i had stuff to do most days and he said 'well thats understandable if you want to go out etc, theres nothing stopping you and she wont be able to come over those days but when your in the house i dont see a problem with it' I told him the problem was her taking over and thinking shes mummy! So he says he will talk to her and tell her to stop interfering when she comes over and if she carries on then he will tell her himself that she will have to stop coming over.


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> I guess that she must have had a life of her own before you had LO. So she needs to pick that life back up and let you and LO live your lives. You are probably right that she never really had a plan and it was just a dig to push the boundarys. She knows that you are taking control back, doesn't like it and is pushing every way she can.
> 
> Set the rules and go with it.
> 
> Yes it would have been easy to say NO if you were Bfing but BFing doesn't work for everybody and wouldn't be the answer as she would start asking for LO as soon as you started weaning.
> 
> Here's a daft one for you. BLW and the mess that goes with it might just might put her off wanting to feed LO in her house. Also if you put LO in charge then she doesn't get to play mummy spoon feeding LO.

LO is doing blw and she doesnt seem put off by the mess unfortunately lol.


----------



## Bubblefish

bigbetty said:


> What did DH say when you told him?

answer to this on p33 lol x


----------



## bigbetty

Lol I must have posted that as you were typing your reply


----------



## angelic_one

Arrgh he doesn't seem to get it!! Would he like to spend all day every day with your mother without him?? She doesn't get an open pass to YOUR house. It's not fair.. :-( At least he seems to be getting there.
You're doing so well hun. <3


----------



## Blu10

Glad DH seems to be on ur side now. I'd really dread her coming over! X


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## tommyg

Bummer she's not put off with BLW! But it's worth a go.

I am really glad that DH is starting to understand the problem. He admits that if you want to go out you shouldn't have to stay in for MIL. Personally I go out every day baby group, friend, my mums, the shops. So if you think about it there is normally only 1 day per week when I'm in. And that's the day that I do my housework and even at that I end up with cabin fever and go out for a walk anyway. 

I would be tempted to suggest that you visit MIL on what ever day of the week you want to. COMPLETELY putting you back in control of when you visit and when you leave. Make sure LO has a feed there - might as well muck up her house rather than yours LOL.


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## Betheney

i think it sounds like your now going to have some support from DH which is fantastic and will hopefully help in the long run


----------



## Betheney

Bubblefish said:


> Another little update..
> 
> I text mil and said i didnt think it was necessary for us to meet up today for a chat as i said everything i had to say in our last chat. She then rang me and went on for a bit about how she didnt want us to fall out etc, i then explained to her that we dont have to fall out but she is making it impossible for us to get along when she wont listen to a word im saying! Anyway she appologised and started going on about how she just loves spending time with lo, i told her i am not stopping her from seing her but that for the time being if she wanted to take lo out i would be coming along too and she can visit aslong as she checks to see if i have plans that day first instead of just turning up! She didnt say much after this, infact she went a bit quiet and sounded a bit tearful, made me feel guilty but i just ended the call saying i would txt her when we were next free.
> 
> I do feel realy guilty now but i know i need to be strong.

This is fantastic!! good for you!!

I think that someone is going to get hurt, she wants baby 24/7 and you don't want her to. She wants lots of days and you want her to only have a few. So i think someone being hurt is inevitable but your relationship and your happiness is more important because it's YOUR baby which is the most important thing in the entire problem here. Your MIL unfortunately isn't a priority and neither is her happiness. You don't have to be cruel you just have to do what is important for you and lo.


----------



## Tiredgirl

Read all this last night, wow you have done brilliantly!! Am so proud of you and I don't even know you. I HATE confrontation so imagine it must have taken so much... well done hun!! xx

AmethystDream - I have loved reading your posts, just out out of interest (being very nosey here so sorry) but what do you do for a living?, you sound like a psychologist or writer.... have picked up many future tips so thank you! :flower:

xx


----------



## AmethystDream

Tiredgirl said:


> Read all this last night, wow you have done brilliantly!! Am so proud of you and I don't even know you. I HATE confrontation so imagine it must have taken so much... well done hun!! xx
> 
> AmethystDream - I have loved reading your posts, just out out of interest (being very nosey here so sorry) but what do you do for a living?, you sound like a psychologist or writer.... have picked up many future tips so thank you! :flower:
> 
> xx

I agree, Bubblefish has been so brave and has done brilliantly!

Thankyou! I always wanted to be a writer but never seemed to get around to looking at it with any seriousness. I feel like a bit of a jack of all trades and master of none. Before I had the little people I used to coordinate databases to obtain national statistics, during the time I was home with the eldest two I ran a few dating websites and forums but since then I have started my own giftware company. Oh the glamour! :haha:


----------



## hb1

Bubblefish said:


> Well me and dh chatted when he got home and i told him about everything that had been said between us. He was really upset and said he understands me not wanting her to take lo all the time and for so long but he doesnt see the problem with her coming over to visit. I explained to him i dont mind it sometimes but not all the time and that i had stuff to do most days and he said 'well thats understandable if you want to go out etc, theres nothing stopping you and she wont be able to come over those days but when your in the house i dont see a problem with it' I told him the problem was her taking over and thinking shes mummy! So he says he will talk to her and tell her to stop interfering when she comes over and if she carries on then he will tell her himself that she will have to stop coming over.

Maybe say she can come over every day when OH gets home - I'm sure seeing his mum EVERY day will grind on him a little and will interfere with HIS post work daddy time!!


----------



## krissy1984

You're doing so well i feel proud of u too :-D she needs to learn she's a nana not mum. I agree with asking her round when dh gets in i bet he soon gets tired of her x


----------



## Bubblefish

Well DH talked to his mum and told her about how i was feeling, her taking over etc and she said she will try and stop. 

So anyway me and lo and my mum are going out for the day today, to the beach and then maybe for some lunch somewhere and i have invited mil as think itll be nice for us all to have a day out together and then this way we are all getting to spend time with lo :)


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## JenStar1976

I hope that you all have a lovely day together. How did MIL take it though? Was she upset, defensive at all? x


----------



## clairealfie

It sounds like you'll have a lovely day today and your MIL should hopefully see how 'normal' your mum acts arounds you and LO x


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## AmethystDream

I hope that you all have a fab day, Hun :flower:


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## Blu10

Hope it goes well x


----------



## tommyg

Hope you have a good day. 2 Grannies fighting over LO are you sure you'll get a word in edge ways?? :haha::haha:

Seriously hope it goes well. I am sure having your mum there should make MIL realise that she can't take over and you can all spent time with LO.

You have done so so well to get this resolved without falling out. If it was me I'd have fallen out with MIL long before now. 

What is your plan for going forward? 
I'd still go with the idea of one afternoon per week. I could be something that changes on a week to week basis, ie one week you visit, the next week she comes round, the following week she takes LO out. But it would help you both if she / you knew xxxxday afternoon is MIL time.


----------



## k4th

Hope you're having a lovely day out!

Well done for getting oh on board, hopefully your life will get easier from here - my fingers & toes are crossed that mil has finally got the message xx


----------



## bigbetty

Bubblefish said:


> Well DH talked to his mum and told her about how i was feeling, her taking over etc and she said she will try and stop.
> 
> So anyway me and lo and my mum are going out for the day today, to the beach and then maybe for some lunch somewhere and i have invited mil as think itll be nice for us all to have a day out together and then this way we are all getting to spend time with lo :)

Aw that sounds lovely, and I think it's nice you have invited MIL. I hope you've all had a fab day xxx


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## stardust599

Hope you all had a lovely day x


----------



## Betheney

Bubblefish said:


> Well DH talked to his mum and told her about how i was feeling, her taking over etc and she said she will try and stop.
> 
> So anyway me and lo and my mum are going out for the day today, to the beach and then maybe for some lunch somewhere and i have invited mil as think itll be nice for us all to have a day out together and then this way we are all getting to spend time with lo :)

I think this is a fabulous idea!! Hope you have a lovely day


----------



## Bubblefish

JenStar1976 said:


> I hope that you all have a lovely day together. How did MIL take it though? Was she upset, defensive at all? x

Do you mean when DH rang her? She was upset and went on about she wasnt doing anything to hurt anyone on purpose and how much she loves dd etc. DH explained to her that even though she isnt meaning to hurt anyone that her actions are hurting me and how upset ive been etc and she agreed to 'try' and change.


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Hope you have a good day. 2 Grannies fighting over LO are you sure you'll get a word in edge ways?? :haha::haha:
> 
> Seriously hope it goes well. I am sure having your mum there should make MIL realise that she can't take over and you can all spent time with LO.
> 
> You have done so so well to get this resolved without falling out. If it was me I'd have fallen out with MIL long before now.
> 
> *What is your plan for going forward?
> I'd still go with the idea of one afternoon per week. I could be something that changes on a week to week basis, ie one week you visit, the next week she comes round, the following week she takes LO out. But it would help you both if she / you knew xxxxday afternoon is MIL time.*



I'm still having a think on this one but i think maybe once a week she can come and visit and another day that week we can all go out somewhere together. I know she wont be happy about not taking lo on her own but until she stops interfering etc it just wont be happening anymore.


----------



## Bubblefish

Thanks everyone, we had a lovely day and was actually quite relaxed!

There were a few 'incidents' but nothing major.

There is one thing that really got to me though and the more i think about it the more upset i get..

LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(

She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:

Sorry i know i went on a bit there but once i get going thinking about it all i just cant stop x


----------



## pinklizzy

:hugs: Your LO doesn't love MIL more than you hun! She knows you are her mummy and she loves you, honestly.
Were you a bit on edge about being with MIL? I find that when I'm a bit stressed out, my LO picks up on it, no matter how much I try and cover it up! Last weekend was her naming ceremony and I was worried about having to make my speech, as soon as we got to the front, she started crying. My sister (who was her godmother) took her and she calmed down straight away, I felt awful but it was what LO needed.


----------



## Bubblefish

pinklizzy said:


> :hugs: Your LO doesn't love MIL more than you hun! She knows you are her mummy and she loves you, honestly.
> Were you a bit on edge about being with MIL? I find that when I'm a bit stressed out, my LO picks up on it, no matter how much I try and cover it up! Last weekend was her naming ceremony and I was worried about having to make my speech, as soon as we got to the front, she started crying. My sister (who was her godmother) took her and she calmed down straight away, I felt awful but it was what LO needed.

Thanks hun :hugs:

I was a bit yeah cos i was unsure of how the day was gunna go and kept expecting mil to kick off at some point but she didnt thankfully x


----------



## bigbetty

Aw I'm glad you had a nice day xx


----------



## Lululucious89

Oh hun I have been in your shoes and can totally feel your frustration my other halfs mother was the same I moved in with them when my son was 3 weeks old and she used to take him away all the time me and my partner split up over it for 3 months and I moved out we are now back together when ever I take him over to theyre house she takes him away up to her room and pretty much HOGS him the whole weekend im there if I lived close to my other halfs mother im sure she would be over everyday thank god I live a train ride away


----------



## rocketb

Bubblefish said:


> LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(
> 
> She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:

This reminded me of something I read recently in an article talking about first time mothers and fathers with babies. The moms aren't actually any better at calming the baby, but because they are usually around more, they have Confidence in their ability to calm baby where the fathers often hand back crying babies because they panic and think the baby wants it's mother. The only solution here is to NOT hand back the baby (or in the case of the article, for mothers to not rush in and take the baby back...letting Dad gain some confidence of his own).

I guess the point of this is that perhaps your fear of this reduced bond is giving your MiL power over your emotions. Have confidence in LO's love and your abilities as her mother. In a way, your MiL complimented you by handing LO over when she started to cry, acknowledging that as her mother, you were the best person to stop her crying. Don't hand LO back next time. ;)

Great thread, btw! I'm so amazed at what you've gone through and how you are handling this continually evolving relationship with Grandma.


----------



## tommyg

I'm sure LO knows your mummy. It may well be that you were slightly on edge and LO picked up on that hence settled with granny.

You've done brilliant and I mean that. I would go on the logic that the 3 of you visit granny at the weekend (DH has to see his mum at some point) and you see granny once during the week or granny takes LO for the afternoon.


----------



## Nats21

rocketb said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(
> 
> She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:
> 
> This reminded me of something I read recently in an article talking about first time mothers and fathers with babies. The moms aren't actually any better at calming the baby, but because they are usually around more, they have Confidence in their ability to calm baby where the fathers often hand back crying babies because they panic and think the baby wants it's mother. The only solution here is to NOT hand back the baby (or in the case of the article, for mothers to not rush in and take the baby back...letting Dad gain some confidence of his own).
> 
> I guess the point of this is that perhaps your fear of this reduced bond is giving your MiL power over your emotions. Have confidence in LO's love and your abilities as her mother. In a way, your MiL complimented you by handing LO over when she started to cry, acknowledging that as her mother, you were the best person to stop her crying. Don't hand LO back next time. ;)
> 
> Great thread, btw! I'm so amazed at what you've gone through and how you are handling this continually evolving relationship with Grandma.Click to expand...

Well said :thumbup: xx


----------



## babyloulou

I've just read all this! Well done you for being so strong! :hugs:

On a side note though I still think you need to do some work on your OH! This problem will probably not be solved fully until he releases his mums apron strings a little! Why should you have her in your house whenever she wants? He doesn't still live with Mummy!! :haha: I definitely agree with the other girls who say ask him how he would feel spending all his time on his own with your mum!!? Also like the idea of making MIL visits when he's around as much as possible! :thumbup:


----------



## Bingo

I've been reading bits and pieces of your thread and I just wanted to tell you how amazing you've been. If you're still upset about things (LO still seeming to want to attach herself to your MIL) maybe you should consider not seeing your MIL for a while until you feel more in control. Just you and baby time seems in order. At the end of the day you should do what you want to do not what your MIL wants you to do. You have handled the whole situation perfectly.


----------



## stardust599

Bubblefish said:


> Thanks everyone, we had a lovely day and was actually quite relaxed!
> 
> There were a few 'incidents' but nothing major.
> 
> There is one thing that really got to me though and the more i think about it the more upset i get..
> 
> LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(
> 
> She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:
> 
> Sorry i know i went on a bit there but once i get going thinking about it all i just cant stop x


Your LO loves you lots and knows you are Mummy hun.

I would spend a couple of weeks just the two of you without MIL at all so that you and LO can build up a nice strong secure bond (which I'm sure you already have). MIL has been around a huge amount in your LOs life and LO will feel that MIL is one of her main providers/care-givers. It's only naturally that if LO picks up on your stress/insecurity she will want to go to MIL.

As you start to set boundaries and MIL and LO's relationship changes the bond between them will lessen as well and become stronger towards you. LO will never remember this part of her life anyway so it doesn't matter that you haven't done something sooner, you are doing it now and that's all that matters.

MIL may be finding the separation hard but when her relationship with LO becomes more normal the intensity of her feelings will lessen and she will be able to go back to doing normal things that she did before LO. I think some space has to be between MIL and LO for this to happen though.

Keep posting, we are all here to support you everyday! xx


----------



## Bubblefish

stardust599 said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Thanks everyone, we had a lovely day and was actually quite relaxed!
> 
> There were a few 'incidents' but nothing major.
> 
> There is one thing that really got to me though and the more i think about it the more upset i get..
> 
> LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(
> 
> She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:
> 
> Sorry i know i went on a bit there but once i get going thinking about it all i just cant stop x
> 
> 
> Your LO loves you lots and knows you are Mummy hun.
> 
> I would spend a couple of weeks just the two of you without MIL at all so that you and LO can build up a nice strong secure bond (which I'm sure you already have). MIL has been around a huge amount in your LOs life and LO will feel that MIL is one of her main providers/care-givers. It's only naturally that if LO picks up on your stress/insecurity she will want to go to MIL.
> 
> As you start to set boundaries and MIL and LO's relationship changes the bond between them will lessen as well and become stronger towards you. LO will never remember this part of her life anyway so it doesn't matter that you haven't done something sooner, you are doing it now and that's all that matters.
> 
> MIL may be finding the separation hard but when her relationship with LO becomes more normal the intensity of her feelings will lessen and she will be able to go back to doing normal things that she did before LO. I think some space has to be between MIL and LO for this to happen though.
> 
> Keep posting, we are all here to support you everyday! xxClick to expand...

Thankyou :hugs:

I like the idea of me and LO spending a couple of weeks just us but how do i explain this to mil as i know she wont be happy about it.

I honestly do think it will be better for mil to not be over here everyday and obsessing over lo as it just doesnt seem healthy her not bothering with anything else in her life because i know for sure she had a life before my lo came along!

I am so grateful for all the responses i have had on this thread, they have helped so much so thankyou to everyone :hugs:


----------



## AP

That is true bubblefish - I mean wtf did she do before LO? It ain't healthy, she needs a hobby! Xx


----------



## fluffpuffin

Just wondering does your own mum are this much of LO? Surely the grandparents should get an equal share. For her to see LO so much doesn't make it fair to your own mum either.


----------



## AlwaysPraying

Bubblefish said:


> LO still seems to prefer MIL over me :(
> 
> She just seemed to want to be held by her all day and not me and when we all sat down she was crawling over to her, climbimg on her etc and just didnt seem interested in me at all :( and also when she was getting a bit tired and we were packing up and my mum was holding her she started to cry so my mum handed lo to me and she didnt stop crying, just looked at mil so she took her and lo then stopped crying :( it breaks my heart to think that she loves mil more than me? I just keep thinking that maybe mil being around so much at the start, holding lo etc has ruined lo's bond with me somehow? I regret so much not putting a stop to all of this sooner.. :cry:

Don't be hard on yourself! Honestly, my son seems to prefer my mother to me as well. I honestly think it's because it's a new face and it's someone different from me. My mother is ALWAYS cheery, happy, playing, interacting, feeding, putting to sleep, etc, she does everything in her happy grandma way. Who wouldn't rather see that person! ;) lol. 

You cannot go back and change things so you cannot beat yourself up about what's done. Your doing an excellent job now of holding your ground and it will be resolved moving forward, you've proved that time and time again. I must add that your doing it with such grace, I admire you! Most people would have snapped, sworn or slammed doors by now!


----------



## Betheney

I think you just have to say it. Tell your OH not just about her taking control but that baby prefers MIL and it's really really upsetting you.

I think you just have to say to your MIL

"Look i'm really sorry, but i need a few weeks with just me and LO, i know how much this is going to upset you and i honestly am sorry but the most important thing in this situation is the relationship between me and my LO and i know it's going to upset you and i don't take this lightly but nothing can come before LO and unfortunately in this situation that means you, i really am sorry but it's just too important that i have a few weeks of just the 2 of us"

or maybe explain that 2 days is too much. If she has 2 days and your own mother has 2 days and you have 2 days as family days that leave only 1 day for you too be alone with LO where you need at least 4 where it's just the two of you.

I know LO know's your mummy but i do think it's important to reduce MIL times.

<3


----------



## tommyg

I wouldn't stress too much about get 2 full weeks without mil. Once you cut the time spent with her the bond between them will lessen naturally any way. I'd still aim for one afternoon 2/3 hours mid week with her 3 of you or let them go together you have some 'me' time and one family visit for an hour maybe 2 at the weekend and the same with your own mum.

Other way to get 2 weeks without mil is either pack her off on holiday or get yourselves a holiday!


----------



## EllaAndLyla

She sounds rather like someone i know! hmmm.... But OH actually said something to my MIL because it was bothering him too! It would be like, the second Lyla cried you would here the footsteps of MIL running up the stairs to the rescue! grrrr lol
She is fine now, she even asks me if she is being too involved and should she back off etc. 
You really need to tell her otherwise it wont change, Its not fair as it isnt giving you the chance to properly bond with your LO and to be kind of pushed aside isnt helping. Just go with your instincts. Obviously not bad ones lol, Sometimes I pictured barricading the door up or something so she couldnt get in haha! And I would definatley speak to OH, it seemed to get my MIL to back off a bit, I think she didnt want to lose her son or whatever xx Hope things get better soon xx

ETA - I personally think that with older women like our mothers and MIL's there motherly instincts come back, in my case its because this is the first grandchild so everybody is loving her!! My MIL even called her self 'mummy' at one point by accident, she corrected herself straight after though!! x


----------



## princess_bump

I agree, I wouldn't worry to much about a full 2 weeks, once she backs on and the time is cut, whereby she see's LO with you there, rather than making you feel uncomfortable and upset by taking LO for full days, then your bond with LO will strengthen. 

Also, I don't think LO would ever prefer mil over mummy, she no's your her mummy, sometimes kids are a bit 'fresh facer's' where they've been with mummy ALL day and when daddy comes home they just want daddy. she's secure in her knowledge that mummy is number one, so will often go to other's.

obviously my little girl is much older, but she says things like, oh i miss my nanny (my mum) and then later on, she'll say, but i love my mumma, mumma's always here to take care of me - as my mum says, mumma is number one, but she loves everyone else too xxx


----------



## AmethystDream

I haven't been posting much because we have had a chicken pox outbreak at our house :wacko:

I agree with much of what the ladies have said. I'm glad that you all had a lovely time out with both your Mum and MIL but I do agree to not handing over LO if they are upset. Keep hold of her and, if possible, take her to somewhere where it is just you and her to calm her down. 

The other ladies are right, LO will always know that you are her Mummy but with the sheer number of hours and level of interference that you have endured, you could see why LO may feel comfortable with MIL. Not *over* you but I can see why you are feeling such disquiet. 

The less time MIL spent with you and the more time you spend as a Mummy Daughter partnership, the better it will be for your confidence and the way you feel about your role. You are doing really well Hun :flower:


----------



## kiraelliott

I'd go insane if I saw my MIL for longer than an hour every couple of weeks or so! Even then I start getting itchy after 5 minutes lol. 

I would definately prescribe a MIL free holiday! It'll do you wonders :)

xxx


----------



## Betheney

how are you getting on Bubblefish?


----------



## Bubblefish

Just thought I'd come on and give an update as not been online for a while. well mil now sees LO twice a week, and takes her once a fortnight on her own as my mum now takes her for a few hours once a fortnight too, so it's mil 1week then my mum the next. Mil wasn't happy at all about this arangment and does sometimes ask to have her when she comes for visits but I just keep repeating that this is how it is going to be for now and my reasons why. LO still seems to prefer mil though and mil is so smug about it :-( It doesn't seem to make a difference to LO however long she spends away from mil, a soon as she walks through the door, LO is all over her until the minute she leaves, which of course upsets LO and makes mil so happy that LO doesn't want her to leave! Urgh I suppose I am just going to have to put up with it.


----------



## clairealfie

I don't necessarily think she prefers MIL, it's just a novelty/excitment thing. I remember relatives coming round when I was a kid and I loved them, thought they were dead cool and played with them constantly till they left, barely acknowledging mum or dad. But this did certainly not mean I prefered them to my parents or would want to go off and live with them and not see mum etc. It's just the excitment of a new person.


----------



## Betheney

I'm glad your sticking to your guns and that your not really struggling for to stand your ground.

I too think it must be a novelty thing. I mean my baby loves me more than my hubby and is very very attached to me, a real mummies girl and i've vanished for nearly a whole day and quite frequently when we are re-united she could care less.

Just keep doing what your doing and when your MIL is around make sure you do the mummy things and not her.

You've done so well and have really been alot stronger than i have.

I'm going to my inlaws for 5 days as of tomorrow morning (they live interstate) and i'm not looking forward to it.


----------



## fluffpuffin

Yay, that sounds like a good arrangement. I'm glad to hear yoy managed to come to an agreement.

As for LO preferring MIL, I doubt this. Most likely she is just happy to see her, my LO is like this with FIL and SIL, no matter how long she hasn't seen them. They are more fun for her to play with as they're not around her all the time and give her undivided attention, whereas I'm doing housework and other things. It doesn't mean she loves them more. :hugs:


----------



## Mizze

Bubblefish said:


> Just thought I'd come on and give an update as not been online for a while. well mil now sees LO twice a week, and takes her once a fortnight on her own as my mum now takes her for a few hours once a fortnight too, so it's mil 1week then my mum the next. Mil wasn't happy at all about this arangment and does sometimes ask to have her when she comes for visits but I just keep repeating that this is how it is going to be for now and my reasons why. LO still seems to prefer mil though and mil is so smug about it :-( It doesn't seem to make a difference to LO however long she spends away from mil, a soon as she walks through the door, LO is all over her until the minute she leaves, which of course upsets LO and makes mil so happy that LO doesn't want her to leave! Urgh I suppose I am just going to have to put up with it.

Good for you!!! Just think back a month and see the difference

It leaves a nasty taste in your mouth doesnt it that MIL is smug about thinking your LO prefers her - bleugh! BUT she is wrong! Its novelty- my LO is all smiles for my Mum and recently cried when my Mum left the room (I was still in there!) but I know my baby when push comes to shove knows who her Mummy is. And so does yours

WELL DONE YOU!

Mizze xx


----------



## AmethystDream

Just before MIL is due to go cut though her goodbyes. Don't let her make a production of it and give you those smug smiles. 

Take LO to another room to change her bottom/clean her up/anything! and tell MIL to let herself out.

If she objects ask her if she _wants_ LO to be upset? You are distracting your Daughter for her own good and if MIL doesn't agree with that she obviously doesn't have her best interests at heart.

Don't allow any further long procrastinated goodbyes from her. 

You are still being so strong, well done! I'd add that you still shouldn't feel as if you have to allow time away, if you don't want to :flower:


----------



## Mizze

Amethyst, you give some cracking advice!

Mizze x


----------



## tommyg

Glad your sticking to your guns. Well Done! 

Have I got this right MIL sees LO 2 times a week and then has her for another time once a fortnight so every other week she see LO 3 times? 
I take it at least one of your 2 times is a family visit with DH in toe?

I agree with the others LO is just going with the novielty value of somebody else. Just remind me never to get on the wrong side of Amethyst - her advice just amazes me!


----------



## AP

She may be smug for those few minutes, but you should be smug knowing LO is all yours and you have her when you like ;) :haha:


----------



## Mum22GTTC

Oh hun :hugs:

I'm sorry I haven't read through the whole thread so don't know the full story, but please, please, please DO NOT feel bullied into letting anyone have time with your LO, *especially* alone time if you do not feel comfortable with it.

This time is so precious, don't let anyone take it away from you. You are LO's MUMMY!! If your gut instinct isn't happy with the set up, then please don't let it be! xx


----------



## Soontobe

Hey hun I read through this and totally agree with the girls here

I reckon you should persist when MIL is at your house and LO is settling for a nap or something that YOU do it so that your LO learns also that your the mother and you make the decisions, Im not sure how old your LO is but remember that small little behaviour things start so so so early! Teach your LO that just cos MIL is there doesnt mean they get to go straight to her :)

If things get really bad, just resort to "give me my baby back!" :thumbup:

Then have a :coffee: and break the news to your OH about what you said lol

My son still does the same thing today and hes nearly 3, whenever we go see nana his behaviour towards me changes and nana is the cool and awesome one he cuddles etc, but as soon as we leave im the cool and awesome one again too.. I think someone else said this before but its just the grandma thing, just try and bring the ropes in a little more now so that MIL and LO learn a little..

Goodluck :hugs:


----------



## AmethystDream

tommyg said:


> Just remind me never to get on the wrong side of Amethyst - her advice just amazes me!

Ha ha! I'm a pussy cat really :winkwink:


----------



## Bubblefish

tommyg said:


> Glad your sticking to your guns. Well Done!
> 
> Have I got this right MIL sees LO 2 times a week and then has her for another time once a fortnight so every other week she see LO 3 times?
> I take it at least one of your 2 times is a family visit with DH in toe?
> 
> I agree with the others LO is just going with the novielty value of somebody else. Just remind me never to get on the wrong side of Amethyst - her advice just amazes me!

No sorry should have made that clearer, she only sees LO twice a week and once a fortnight takes her out one of those times. X


----------



## Bubblefish

AtomicPink said:


> She may be smug for those few minutes, but you should be smug knowing LO is all yours and you have her when you like ;) :haha:

Thanks, Im gona try and remember this every time I see that smug look on her face  x


----------



## Bubblefish

AmethystDream said:


> Just before MIL is due to go cut though her goodbyes. Don't let her make a production of it and give you those smug smiles.
> 
> Take LO to another room to change her bottom/clean her up/anything! and tell MIL to let herself out.
> 
> If she objects ask her if she _wants_ LO to be upset? You are distracting your Daughter for her own good and if MIL doesn't agree with that she obviously doesn't have her best interests at heart.
> 
> Don't allow any further long procrastinated goodbyes from her.
> 
> You are still being so strong, well done! I'd add that you still shouldn't feel as if you have to allow time away, if you don't want to :flower:

Thanks for this advice, when mil goes to leave she stands around for ages saying bye, kissing LO etc, so I like the idea of Saying to her that this may be upsetting her more and that I should distract LO whilst she is leaving! X


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## Palestrina

I feel sorry for the woman to tell the truth. Does she have nothing better to do than to take pleasure in interfering in your relationship with LO? When she stands around saying goodbye say to her "alright now, it's not like we're never going to see you again, let's not prolong the theatrics."


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## Mooshie

Goodness me! Your MIL sounds awful! 

I can't bear much longer than an hour a week with mine, mind you my mother is just as overbearing! 

I most certainly would not be giving either them access to my LO on their own. Mostly because I don't feel ready, but also because he is MY son and what I say goes.


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## bigbetty

Palestrina said:


> When she stands around saying goodbye say to her *"alright now, it's not like we're never going to see you again, let's not prolong the theatrics."*

I like this :thumbup:


----------



## tommyg

Bubblefish how are you getting on now?


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## Betheney

i was just thinking of you too the other day bubblefish.


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## Bubblefish

Hey sorry havnt been on for a while, well mil is still trying to see LO as much as possible but I have joined a few groups and am out most days with a Friend who's on maternity leave or another Friend with a LO. Of course I do stay in sometime so mil can come over so I'd say she sees her probably twice a week. The reason I have came back on today though is because I am feeling upset, although mil now only sees LO twice a week LO still seems to prefer her over me, she adores her and won't even look at me when mil is around, and what upsets me even more is that mil is soooo smug about it and goes on about it all the time! I hate her knowing that my child prefers her to me, her own mother! 

I just don't get what I am doing wrong?

Is ther anything I can do?

Just feeling really down today..
Xx


----------



## KateyCakes

.


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## lisaf

Is it just that MIL is new and 'fun' and novel since LO only sees them a couple times a week? My LO is very social and loves everybody but as soon as he's upset, only I will do.
:hugs:


----------



## AP

Alex used to be same with me, wouldn't smoke for me but anyone else? Right in there.


----------



## AP

Smoke? Not another iPhone fail :rofl:


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## MizzDeeDee

I hate it when my baby doesn't smoke for me. I try to get her to all the time but she just turns her head away.


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## babyloulou

^^^^ :rofl: :rofl: ^^^^^

Bubblefish- sorry you're still feeling down about it! I'm pretty sure it's only because MIL is new and exciting when she comes. She's familiar enough to not be a scary stranger but new enough with each visit to be exciting. If you went away for a few days and then came back I'm sure she'd have an even bigger reaction for you xx


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## Bubblefish

LO is 1. She doesn't do it with anyone else though just mil, she prefers me over anyone else even oh as she's been really clingy lately and will not go to anyone but asoon as mil arrives she forgets me and if I try to hold her or anything she screams and runs over to mil. Mil spends the whole time here playing with LO and giving her 100 percent attention, and she is here a full day most of the time! where as I can't do that as I have to do things like make meals etc but I do try and play with LO as much as possible! 

Urghhhh it all just gets too much sometimes x


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## babyloulou

She still comes for a FULL day??? My god!! :shock:


----------



## lisaf

LMAO ... it takes forever to train these darned babies to smoke, doesn't it? ;) I want to have a 'cool' baby darnit! He better learn soon!


Back to the topic though, can you figure out what it is about MIL that your daughter likes? Does she sing silly songs etc? I would say something to your MIL though... I would tell her that you're very happy that your daughter has such a strong bond with her as family is so important, blah blah blah, but that her commenting on it all the time is becoming hurtful and she's turning her beautiful bond with your daughter into a weapon to make you feel unloved. And ask her how she'd feel if you constantly talked about how much your OH loved your cooking compared to hers etc... give her a frame of reference that touches on her own identity of 'mother'.
(That would at least hopefully help your MIL stop rubbing it in even if it still sucked that your LO was so happy to see her and wanted nothing to do with you)

Have you left your LO with MIL alone for any period of time? Maybe take the day off, does your LO light up when she sees you at that point?


----------



## babyloulou

Lisa- the thread started cos her MIL kept trying to force Bubblefish to let her have the baby for days out just about every day- so not sure she'd want her taking her. Plus her MIL seems to enjoy saying nasty things to B.fish too :-(


----------



## lisaf

Thats right, sorry I forgot how this started. I know my opinion changed over time though with letting my inlaws watch him so it might be different now.
I was thinking it would be an option though to make sure that your LO didn't actually 'prefer' MIL but just that its more entertaining with MIL there.


----------



## babyloulou

Is your OH being anymore supportive of the situation Bubblefish? I seem to remember him turning a blind eye when your MIL was saying awful things to you and yet still expecting you to let her come when she wanted???


----------



## caz_hills

Hi hun, I've not posted on your thread before but so sorry that you have had a rough ride with your MIL. 

In terms of your LO smiling loads when with MIL, I had a day today when my hubbie looked after LO - I was here but he was in charge and in control to give me my first day off! Whenever I played with LO he smiling so much more than normal days! Maybe it is just the novelty of MIL being there?

Also, does your MIL have keys to your place? The other day I was feeling rubbish and my MIL was due over. I knew that I would be terrible company so I called her and said please would she mind if we didn't meet today as I wasn't in a sociable mood. She understood and was probably disappointed but then when I saw her next I was in a better place.

Also, when I feel people are taking over I basically hold onto LO - if people try and take him from me I have now found it somewhere inside me to say "no, he is with Mumma at the moment". I find it hard but otherwise I find LO can end up being passed around like a parcel and I never hold him! Then if we are with family all day I don't get any time with him so I make sure I do.

I haven't read the whole thread so I hope I haven't repeated anything (probably have!) but wanted to send you hugs. I wish your OH was more supportive - from people's posts here it seems like he isn't (but really hope he is!). xx


----------



## Bubblefish

babyloulou said:


> She still comes for a FULL day??? My god!! :shock:

Yes, she always says she is coming for a couple hours but then ends up staying all day! Sometimes I say I have to go shopping etc but then she just invites herself along so I've started going over to my friends or mums instead but sometimes they're not it or it's freezing outside so I've had to stay in and she's ended up staying the whole day!


----------



## babyloulou

God she really takes the piss!! :growlmad: Can you not start going to hers instead? Then you can leave after a couple of hours??


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## Bubblefish

Lisaf - I can't really think of anything specific that mil does that LO likes I think it's probably that she plays with her, actually rolls around on the floor lets LO jump all over her etc, so she sees mil as really fun!

Thing is though, I do these things too!



I had to stop mil from taking LO on her own as she was basically wanting to take her every other day and was hassling me all the time about it, but a few days after Christmas LO stayed over at hers as me and oh nada horrible bug and my mum was away so no one else to look after LO! Anyway when she brought her back the next day, or should i say evening, LO wasn't really that excited to see me, mil wouldn't let me hold her at first telling me that LO needed to get used to me first as she'd been away from me and might be unsure....I told her to hand over my child!!


----------



## bigbetty

Just tell her to go - you don't need a reason why! If you go out and she tries to invite herself along just say no thank you. You're doing so well but she seems to still be pushing her boundaries and you need to keep her in check xxx


----------



## Bubblefish

babyloulou said:


> God she really takes the piss!! :growlmad: Can you not start going to hers instead? Then you can leave after a couple of hours??

Oops double post :dohh:


----------



## Bubblefish

babyloulou said:


> God she really takes the piss!! :growlmad: Can you not start going to hers instead? Then you can leave after a couple of hours??

I've tried this and mil just uses it as an excuse to come over an extra day! Cos apparantly me goin over there doesn't count as one of her days to come over? :dohh:


----------



## fluffpuffin

Your LO really won't love your MIL more than you honestly - it's just a different playmate for her, someone else who is fun and energetic. Plus mummy can't devote all of her time so when other people come it's exciting for them. My LO is exactly the same when she sees SIL or FIL, always has been - she didn't even see them that much. And she's always much better behaved for them too. I used to get really wound up by it, because I basically felt like a spare part when they were around. 

But now I realised that she still loves me the most of everyone - if you weren't there she would soon miss you I bet you 100%. I think I got more secure about my LO's love for me the older she got. I try and enjoy the time I have when PIL and SIL are around and try and have a rest and a cuppa now & read a book or something. 

If I were you I would try not to feed in to her smugness - I would go off do something else, read a book, watch some TV and leave her to it. And if she boasts about how much you LO loves her just say - oh how lovely, it's nice she likes her grandma so much, and stop at that. She will stop after a while.


----------



## inayab

Hi, havent posted on the thread but just spemt half my evening reading it, lol. Think you have done a terrific job and come such a long way. 
Is it that you MIL constantly picks her up and she has her undivided attention for the time she is there? Lets face it as mummies we all have daily jobs to do, i.e cooking cleaning etc and if when your MIL comes over, your dd knows she will have her 100% attention. (not saying in the slightest you don't give her attention etc). 


Your lo knows your her mummy and loves you no matter what, dont let your MIL question her love for you, otherwise she is winning.


----------



## Jaz_

hey just wanted to say, firstly i would go nuts if someone done this to me regardless of their relationship to lo!! my MIL sees lo mayb 2/3 times a month my mum c's her once every week cos she lives 2 mins away. secondly i cant remember wer i read this mayb on here....but lo behaves well for mil and behaves badly for u....lo bahaves what ever way she wants when with u because she trusts u 110% an knows u will look after her an wont care how badly behaved she is, when lo is with MIL the trust is not there 110% an so her behaviour is better because lo is not as comfortable as she is with u. 

Alot of mums will say lo behaves much better for other family members friends etc this is y an i totally believe it. so i would take it as a compliment xx


----------



## LannieDuck

Bubblefish said:


> Anyway when she brought her back the next day, or should i say evening, LO wasn't really that excited to see me, mil wouldn't let me hold her at first telling me that LO needed to get used to me first as she'd been away from me and might be unsure....I told her to hand over my child!!

Urrgh, what an awful woman. 

You could always try using this as an 'excuse' for not seeing her for the next couple of weeks: 

"I've been thinking about what you said when you brought LO back after christmas, about how she might be unsure about me, and that's not something that I want to ever happen with my baby again. So I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks making sure our bond is as strong as it can be by having mummy and baby time without anyone else around."


----------



## AmethystDream

Sorry you are having to come back for some input from us ladies but I have to say that you really have taken giant steps to where you were! You should be proud of yourself, Hun.

Right, onto the problem in hand. MIL is still pushing those boundaries and maybe needs a little reminder about who is Mummy and how long she is welcome to visit for. Full days are not on. When you have had enough, ask her to leave. Tell her you have something to do or just tell her that you want one on one time with your child. 

That stuff about not handing baby over? I would have gone off like a bottle of pop. That alone would have been weeks away from that woman with only a sincere apology and serious cutting down of visiting time making things better.

Now, the main part you are worried about. You know that spending 100% of your time and focus for a full day is going to be few and far between, however, this won't be the only reason that your DD is reacting the way she is. Little Mrs smug will be actively encouraging LO to stay with her, a little learned behaviour from intrusive overbearing GM and someone new to play with and you have it explained. 

For your own sake, for your boundaries and mental well being, cut down on her visits. You don't even need to explain beyond reminding her about previous conversations and how you feel she is still pushing herself upon you both. 

Blurgh, not a fan of nefarious MILs.


----------



## lisaf

The more I think about it, the more I think you should start going on and on about how much your husband prefers to be around you to her :haha: I just want to see the look on her smug face!


----------



## mamalyds

That sounds awful! Im having problems with my mil too she's driving me nuts! We are just about to move out of her house and I hope shes not gonna be like that and coming round every day! Hope you work something out soon! X


----------



## Bubblefish

babyloulou said:


> Is your OH being anymore supportive of the situation Bubblefish? I seem to remember him turning a blind eye when your MIL was saying awful things to you and yet still expecting you to let her come when she wanted???

Yes and no. He supports me when he sees her undermine me etc and puts her straight over things but he still thinks she should be able to come over when ever she wants as long as I'm home!


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## stardust599

Urgh. This would drive me insane hun.

Mine was the same but I just ignore her :shrug:

Lock the door and don't answer the phone unless you want her to visit xx


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## Bubblefish

AmethystDream said:


> Sorry you are having to come back for some input from us ladies but I have to say that you really have taken giant steps to where you were! You should be proud of yourself, Hun.
> 
> Right, onto the problem in hand. MIL is still pushing those boundaries and maybe needs a little reminder about who is Mummy and how long she is welcome to visit for. Full days are not on. When you have had enough, ask her to leave. Tell her you have something to do or just tell her that you want one on one time with your child.
> 
> That stuff about not handing baby over? I would have gone off like a bottle of pop. That alone would have been weeks away from that woman with only a sincere apology and serious cutting down of visiting time making things better.
> 
> Now, the main part you are worried about. You know that spending 100% of your time and focus for a full day is going to be few and far between, however, this won't be the only reason that your DD is reacting the way she is. Little Mrs smug will be actively encouraging LO to stay with her, a little learned behaviour from intrusive overbearing GM and someone new to play with and you have it explained.
> 
> For your own sake, for your boundaries and mental well being, cut down on her visits. You don't even need to explain beyond reminding her about previous conversations and how you feel she is still pushing herself upon you both.
> 
> Blurgh, not a fan of nefarious MILs.

Thankyou. I did feel like we were really starting to get somewhere as it was getting better and me and mil actually had a bit of time where we were getting along better but it just seemed that she got more 'comfortable' and maybe presumed that because we were getting on better etc this meant she could stay for longer, come more often etc, therefore we have ended up going back a little, but you're right I do need to put a stop to it now, before we end up right back where we started and shes here almost every day again!


----------



## Bubblefish

stardust599 said:


> Urgh. This would drive me insane hun.
> 
> Mine was the same but I just ignore her :shrug:
> 
> Lock the door and don't answer the phone unless you want her to visit xx

How does it go ignoring her? Lol. Cos there's been a few times I've tried and she will ring and ring and ring until I answer!


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## Bubblefish

lisaf said:


> The more I think about it, the more I think you should start going on and on about how much your husband prefers to be around you to her :haha: I just want to see the look on her smug face!

I may have to resort to this soon lol!


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## Bubblefish

LannieDuck said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Anyway when she brought her back the next day, or should i say evening, LO wasn't really that excited to see me, mil wouldn't let me hold her at first telling me that LO needed to get used to me first as she'd been away from me and might be unsure....I told her to hand over my child!!
> 
> Urrgh, what an awful woman.
> 
> You could always try using this as an 'excuse' for not seeing her for the next couple of weeks:
> 
> "I've been thinking about what you said when you brought LO back after christmas, about how she might be unsure about me, and that's not something that I want to ever happen with my baby again. So I'm going to spend the next couple of weeks making sure our bond is as strong as it can be by having mummy and baby time without anyone else around."Click to expand...

I would LOVE to do this, the idea of a few weeks without her seems like heaven, but I know for deffinate theres no way oh would stand for it, and she would be on at him until he made sure I changed my mind!


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## stardust599

Bubblefish said:


> stardust599 said:
> 
> 
> Urgh. This would drive me insane hun.
> 
> Mine was the same but I just ignore her :shrug:
> 
> Lock the door and don't answer the phone unless you want her to visit xx
> 
> How does it go ignoring her? Lol. Cos there's been a few times I've tried and she will ring and ring and ring until I answer!Click to expand...



Not going to lie, she's still persistent.

She still rings about every night! I answer only about once a week which I think is reasonable, she visits once a week and at first she would turn up 3/4 times a week but I just kept the curtains shut and ignored the door :rofl: Before leaving to go anywhere I would have a good look out the windows to make sure she wasn't lurking around. I always find a reason for her to leave, make sure you let her know when she arrives e.g "it'll have to be a quick visit, just an hour as i'm not feeling well" and if she offers to take LO I would just say "No sorry I'd rather have her here" No explanation is needed!!

She is visiting today, I'm dreading it, she's starting to get a bit pushy again - we saw her last Sun and Mon and she's visiting today and will no doubt want a visit on Sat again - that's far too often for me! So I will step the ignoring up for a couple of weeks again until she backs off a bit.

You have to be very firm and make it clear that you call the shots!

It's hard work with MIL but I'd rather have this than have LO preferring her and crying when she leaves etc. Maybe I'm a bit crazy though, I just can't stand the woman!
xx


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## Bubblefish

See I'm always too scared to just ignore the door cos my LO would prob make lots of noise and I'd be found out haha! I did try once but got scared and answered on about the third knock saying I'd been upstairs getting dressed lol.

When your mil has visits does she call u to ask if she can come over or just turn up? Or just let you know she will be over a certain day? Mine has a habit of saying, I'll be over such and such day, which annoys me as she's just assuming I'll be in!


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## babyloulou

Bubblefish- it still sounds like your OH is your main problem! It's never going to work you asking her not to come if he's telling her to visit when she likes! I would honestly say to him "right your mum can come all day Saturday and Sunday but not in the week for a bit" - see how long his attitude lasts when he has to have her there all day on his days off with LO!!!


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## stardust599

Bubblefish said:


> See I'm always too scared to just ignore the door cos my LO would prob make lots of noise and I'd be found out haha! I did try once but got scared and answered on about the third knock saying I'd been upstairs getting dressed lol.
> 
> When your mil has visits does she call u to ask if she can come over or just turn up? Or just let you know she will be over a certain day? Mine has a habit of saying, I'll be over such and such day, which annoys me as she's just assuming I'll be in!



She used to just turn up whenever she pleases. Now I work Weds - Fri and my Mum/sister has LO for me on these days. I would let MIL have LO on 1 of these days if things weren't so strained between us from her being so overwhelming in the beginning! On Monday we have baby swimming and a baby group in the afternoon and on Tuesday I usually catch up with friends and have a young mums group. I don't really go to these groups any more but MIL doesn't know yet :haha: So MIL generally arranges visits for weekends when OH is here.

OH is quite good and will stand up to his Mum if she's moaning about not seeing LO enough. He usually just says "Oh stop it Mum" and "Enough, no more" if she starts to go on about it and he just refuses to discuss it further.

I think it needs to be sorted, maybe it'll never be perfect and you'll always see more of her than you would really like but it's not fair on you to have to put up with her ALL the time, you have your own life too! I think 2 whole days a week is really a lot of time to spend with someone, that's as much as my OH sees LO due to his work!

Have you tried suggesting a fixed visit? I.e. every Wednesday or something is "MIL day" and tell her you'll be round to visit after LO has had her first nap and lunch? And then leave to get home on time for dinner so you're only there 3 hours or something?

If she says "I'll be over on such and such a day" make your normal plans anyway and just text and say "Sorry we've made plans for today" No explanation is needed as really she can see LO any other day! 

She's sounds very controlling and possessive of LO, my MIL got like that and the pressure was too much and I basically snapped and started being rude to her when she visited - not making conversation, taking LO away, avoiding her, ignoring her and not letting her have LO and it has made things quite strained and LO picks up on it too and cries when MIL comes to visit :dohh: so I wouldn't want things to end up that way for you too! We used to be really good and I would text pictures, updates on LO everyday, see her every week etc. but then she started to take advantage of me being quite shy and passive and unable to say no and things went wrong!

I think another chat with your OH is in order though, it really should be up to him to put her in her place a little bit, tell him 2 whole days a week with MIL taking over and you getting no quality time with LO isn't acceptable or normal and it's making you feel overwhelmed, upset and insecure. xx


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## Bex84

My MIL tries this, but we are lucky she is far enough awayy she cant do everyweek. I usually turn around and say we are busy, I wouldent mind her seeing LO if she wernt so possesive and controlling when she is here or we go to them. My OH will just tell her we have ouir own lifes so she needs to fit in with us not the other way around and the more she goes on the less she will see her. She annoyed me so much with how possesive and horrible she was being to me I took all my photos of LO off facebook so I can control who has what. She gives photos of my LO to people I do not know. I would just tell your MIL when she says she is coming over you already have something planned or when she is there say you are going to a friends and she will have to leave. I refuse to see MIL on my own since she is really horrid to me when my DH is not around, tell your OH if he want his mother to come around it can be when he is home and he can deal with her. My DH wont put up with my MILs crap


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## LannieDuck

I think you've got to the point where you need to be straight with her. Tell her that you're worried about the bond you and LO have (she's been pointing it out to you for weeks afterall!), and so you'd like her not to come over for the rest of the month.

Yes, you'll upset her. But you've tried being subtle and gentle about it and it hasn't worked. And it's only for a month. That's a small price to pay to ensure your bond with LO is strengthened.

As for your OH, tell him that his mum can come over any time while _he's_ looking after LO. So she intrudes on his time instead of yours. But not during the week. 

And then stand your ground.


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## Palestrina

The problem is that you're trying to be nice to someone who is NOT nice. You're trying to respect a woman who does not respect you. You are trying to accommodate a person who is trying to take advantage of you. You are trying to foster a relationship between a baby and her grandmother while she is trying to undermine your relationship with your daughter. You are trying to earn support from a man who's only interested in defending his mother. Basically, you are in a losing position. That woman is only interested in her own needs and she fights dirty. You can't play nice with someone who fights dirty. 

This thread is filled with subtle and not so subtle suggestions of how to handle this MIL. The time for subtlety is long gone. You are absolutely terrorized in your own home, you're down to the point where you think your daughter loves her more than you. There's only one way to deal with this:

"I'm sorry, but you cannot come in. I've always wanted you to have you in my child's life but you use every opportunity to overstay your welcome, over-assert your importance in my child's life, undermine my relationship with my daughter and disrespect my need for privacy. I have no obligation to allow you into my home numerous times per week and let you stay as long as you see fit with utter disregard for the plans that I have made. You are very impolite by doing so. I thought that the relationship between you and my daughter was a good one, but now I see that you are causing more harm than good. I don't care who you are, you have no right to imply to me that my daughter loves you more. As her Mother it is my job and my obligation to protect her, and I'd have to be some kind of loon to allow her to grow up watching her Grandmother disrespect her mother the way that you do. So go home and call me when you're ready to accept that the right to be a grandmother is earned, unfortunately you seem to think it overrides being a Mother."


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## LannieDuck

Palestrina said:


> You are trying to foster a relationship between a baby and her grandmother while she is trying to undermine your relationship with your daughter.

This


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## Vanilla_girl

> "I'm sorry, but you cannot come in. I've always wanted you to have you in my child's life but you use every opportunity to overstay your welcome, over-assert your importance in my child's life, undermine my relationship with my daughter and disrespect my need for privacy. I have no obligation to allow you into my home numerous times per week and let you stay as long as you see fit with utter disregard for the plans that I have made. You are very impolite by doing so. I thought that the relationship between you and my daughter was a good one, but now I see that you are causing more harm than good. I don't care who you are, you have no right to imply to me that my daughter loves you more. As her Mother it is my job and my obligation to protect her, and I'd have to be some kind of loon to allow her to grow up watching her Grandmother disrespect her mother the way that you do. So go home and call me when you're ready to accept that the right to be a grandmother is earned, unfortunately you seem to think it overrides being a Mother."

oh my god - I think I"m going to memoize this and repeat back to my mother . . . Perfect!


----------



## BabyBoo36

Palestrina said:


> The problem is that you're trying to be nice to someone who is NOT nice. You're trying to respect a woman who does not respect you. You are trying to accommodate a person who is trying to take advantage of you. You are trying to foster a relationship between a baby and her grandmother while she is trying to undermine your relationship with your daughter. You are trying to earn support from a man who's only interested in defending his mother. Basically, you are in a losing position. That woman is only interested in her own needs and she fights dirty. You can't play nice with someone who fights dirty.
> 
> This thread is filled with subtle and not so subtle suggestions of how to handle this MIL. The time for subtlety is long gone. You are absolutely terrorized in your own home, you're down to the point where you think your daughter loves her more than you. There's only one way to deal with this:
> 
> "I'm sorry, but you cannot come in. I've always wanted you to have you in my child's life but you use every opportunity to overstay your welcome, over-assert your importance in my child's life, undermine my relationship with my daughter and disrespect my need for privacy. I have no obligation to allow you into my home numerous times per week and let you stay as long as you see fit with utter disregard for the plans that I have made. You are very impolite by doing so. I thought that the relationship between you and my daughter was a good one, but now I see that you are causing more harm than good. I don't care who you are, you have no right to imply to me that my daughter loves you more. As her Mother it is my job and my obligation to protect her, and I'd have to be some kind of loon to allow her to grow up watching her Grandmother disrespect her mother the way that you do. So go home and call me when you're ready to accept that the right to be a grandmother is earned, unfortunately you seem to think it overrides being a Mother."

I'm sorry but I agree with this. The time has come to stop this before she completely wrecks your relationship with YOUR daughter. She does not respect your boundaries, the time has come to stop backing down to her and tell her to stop x


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## Cee108

I don't have a baby yet but my MIL is pretty much the same. Things came to a head when she asked me if we have a moses basket for LO and I told her I already have a small crib for my room and she said 'But I am coming for two weeks for the birth, then how will he sleep at nights?' (she lives abroad) and I was confused. Then I realized she assumed the baby would be sleeping with her!!!! And that wasn't the end, she asked me how many bottles I'd bought and I said I had two and that's fine for now since I'm not planning on FF so I'll get more as and when I need (for expressing). She goes 'But then how will I feed the baby when he wakes up at night?' I almost passed out from shock and anger. Then I told her clearly *I* will be the one feeding him and he'll be sleeping with ME. She was so upset insisting that she formula fed all her kids (no wonder DH has no sense of humor hahahaha) and it didn't do them any harm. 

I've been very independent all my life and I almost boxed her ears for this extreme invasion of whether I should BF or not. I was SO ANGRY my head was buzzing iykwim. 

Then I realized the very sad thing that DH is close to her but in a way treats her like an unpaid helper. He asks her to pay in his bills or stuff which requires queues at the post-office (she's 65 - shame on DH!!) that my mother would kill me if I suggested she do it instead of me! And MIL just assumed I'm being shy about not wanting that much help because I can see her daughters being fine with her totally raising their kids as long as they didn't have to do feeds and nappies. So she was trying to be helpful in her way without realizing what this looks like to an independent girl like me who has opinions on how I'm going to raise my child. So, I dealt with her that way - like she wanted to buy everything for the baby and set up his nursery so I directed her energies towards other stuff that needed care, like bed-sheets for baby's crib etc so she would feel involved but I told her I'd already gotten the crib and cot and all the clothes (she was hurt she hadn't been told -read CONSULTED - but she'll live ) I'm sort of starting to wean her off the concept of how involved she will be and setting limits here. 

Plus, my Mom is very respectful of my space and only gives advice when asked, so I usually use that in conversations so MIL gets that she's supposed to do the same. Like I'd say 'Oh how about you get a set of bedding for our LO, whichever colors you'd like (so that makes it sound like I'm doing HER a favor :blush:). My Mom's getting us a set too and I'd like to see both my kids grandmothers involved equally' That sets a line that she's only going to be as involved as MY Mum and not an iota more. End of story!

I think the people above have given good advice - if this is now affecting you so much as a mother and has gone on so long, the time is here to be direct. And what *Palestrina* suggested is direct enough while being as respectful as the situation can merit. 

:flower:


----------



## AP

I'm sorry Bubblefish, but you have two issues here, not one. Your MIL and your OH.

Personally for me this would probably have blown my relationship up tenfold. 

Neither of them have ANY respect for your wishes.

You're past the point where that woman deserves any respect. She has none for you?

*NO-ONE,* not ANYONE should EVER say that to the mother in regards to LO going back to you. That upset me even thinking about it.

I'm sorry Bubblefish, but the only way you will ever get things the way you like it is by making a massive sound about it NOW. Far too much time has already been lost to this woman if if you want something to change, *you're* the one who's going to have to change it.

I know it might sound harsh, and i dont mean to offend or upset you, but you cant pussyfoot around this any longer hun, it's going to cause some tears and drama but do you really want to look back on your childs first year and realise you shared way too much of it with MIL?

There is NO point in trying to politely say things, hint things, or anything of the like. She doesnt get it. If she comes to the door, tell her no. If you dont, you are just allowing the behaviour to continue.


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## BabyBoo36

AtomicPink said:


> I'm sorry Bubblefish, but you have two issues here, not one. Your MIL and your OH.
> 
> Personally for me this would probably have blown my relationship up tenfold.
> 
> Neither of them have ANY respect for your wishes.
> 
> You're past the point where that woman deserves any respect. She has none for you?
> 
> *NO-ONE,* not ANYONE should EVER say that to the mother in regards to LO going back to you. That upset me even thinking about it.
> 
> I'm sorry Bubblefish, but the only way you will ever get things the way you like it is by making a massive sound about it NOW. Far too much time has already been lost to this woman if if you want something to change, *you're* the one who's going to have to change it.
> 
> I know it might sound harsh, and i dont mean to offend or upset you, but you cant pussyfoot around this any longer hun, it's going to cause some tears and drama but do you really want to look back on your childs first year and realise you shared way too much of it with MIL?

Again, I totally agree. You have to change this. No one can do it for you, and as your DH appears too spineless to sort it for you, you will have to. Do you really want this to be what you remember from your daughter's early years? Before you know it, she'll be at school, and you'll never get this time back xx


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## Fascination

Jaz_ said:


> hey just wanted to say, firstly i would go nuts if someone done this to me regardless of their relationship to lo!! my MIL sees lo mayb 2/3 times a month my mum c's her once every week cos she lives 2 mins away. secondly i cant remember wer i read this mayb on here....but lo behaves well for mil and behaves badly for u....lo bahaves what ever way she wants when with u because she trusts u 110% an knows u will look after her an wont care how badly behaved she is, when lo is with MIL the trust is not there 110% an so her behaviour is better because lo is not as comfortable as she is with u.
> 
> Alot of mums will say lo behaves much better for other family members friends etc this is y an i totally believe it. so i would take it as a compliment xx

Aw that's a really lovely way to look at it ^^

OP: Your MIL sounds like an awful woman, you have my sympathy! You really need to set boundries with her and ensure she sticks to them. "You're welcome to come over on Tuesday at 10 o'clock, but I'm having lunch with a friend at 1, so LO and I will be leaving the house around 12:30.". Even if you just go for a walk, it'll get you off the hook with her lengthy visits. She's probably the type of person who'll say she'd rather choose another day if she can't stay for long, but you just need to be firm; "No, MIL, Tuesday is fine. Shall we expect you at 10 or would you prefer to come a little earlier? Say 9?". She's a control freak so it'll suit her to think that her complaints have meant she gets an extra hour with your LO, iykwim.

She needs to realise that she isn't the child's mother and she doesn't call the shots. If you need to be rude to make this known to her, so be it. At the end of the day, you only need to ask yourself what's more important to you; your MIL's feelings or your relationship with your daughter. 

Good luck! x


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## Bubblefish

Thankyou everyone, I have read through of all your wonderful advice and will deffinately takr it all into consideration. The part about me looking back and regretting her first years really got to me so I'm going to remember it every time I feel weak or scared to stick up for myself, as I would hate to look back in years to come and wish I'd done more, said more etc, infact that has already happened with her first year and thinking about it really hurts so I'm going to have to change things now x


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## AP

You CAN do it hun. Who cares if it hurts her? You've been hurt enough and it's not like she gives a monkeys


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## Bubblefish

Another thing that really upsets me and also my family is that mil seems to think that she has more of a right over LO than my mum and family, I actually think she really believes this though! On Christmas day we had both families over for tea and mil had hold of LO for most of the evening, my mum tried to get a cuddle from LO and lo wouldn't go to her :nope: she was clinging to mil and so mil just kept hold of her, the look on my mums face broke my heart :cry: LO loves to play with my young sister and so was sitting playing with her and my older sister and mil was straight in their distracting LO do that she would go over to her instead, this behaviour happens ALL THE TIME, and my family are getting really upset by it.


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## BabyBoo36

Do it hun - you can! I do know what it's like as I've had to stand up to my SIL (different situation) but life is better now I've done it. Your MIL is acting like this because she knows you are too nice or scared (or both!) to stop her. She is totally taking advantage of you and believe me, she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She doesn't care how much her behaviour affects you or LO - it's very selfish. 

Once I stood up to my SIL, and told her that if she behaved how she did towards me and LO again, she would not be seeing either of us for a long time, she changed her ways. I was actually able to spend a nice few hours with her on christmas day, without me hating every second, and her screaming every time she didn't get her own way. That wouldn't have been possible last year xx


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## BabyBoo36

Bubblefish said:


> Another thing that really upsets me and also my family is that mil seems to think that she has more of a right over LO than my mum and family, I actually think she really believes this though! On Christmas day we had both families over for tea and mil had hold of LO for most of the evening, my mum tried to get a cuddle from LO and lo wouldn't go to her :nope: she was clinging to mil and so mil just kept hold of her, the look on my mums face broke my heart :cry: LO loves to play with my young sister and so was sitting playing with her and my older sister and mil was straight in their distracting LO do that she would go over to her instead, this behaviour happens ALL THE TIME, and my family are getting really upset by it.

Then you def need to do something - it is not just affecting you now, it is affecting your family, and they will soon be wondering why you do nothing to stop it. My SIL tried to monopolise Freya on christmas day saying to MIL "You get to see her all the time" (not true), so after about 30 mins, I said firmly "Right Freya, time for a cuddle with Nanna" and just took her off SIL. She also tried to hang on to her when she was ready for a sleep, and again I just said "Time for bed" and took her off her x


----------



## babyloulou

You really need to put your foot down with your OH too though- I remember you standing up to your MIL before and your OH took her side :-(


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## lisaf

I think Palestrina's advice was AWESOME.... and she's so right... she is undermining your relationship with LO and everyone else's too.
I think you need to stand firm with your OH too on this and point out that you did your best to allow her to have a normal relationship with your child, but she's taken that relationship and used it as a weapon to hurt you and your bond with LO. You also have a great point when it comes to hurting the relationship with your own family. He cannot place his mother up on a pedastal above her other grandmother.:hugs:

You could also look at this as standing up for your future relationship with MIL. Tell your OH that you will resent his mother forever if this continues and you'd rather sort it out and make this a healthy relationship for everyone than hate her and not want her around for the rest of your relationship.


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## LannieDuck

Bubblefish said:


> mil had hold of LO for most of the evening, my mum tried to get a cuddle from LO and lo wouldn't go to her :nope: she was clinging to mil and so mil just kept hold of her, the look on my mums face broke my heart :cry: LO loves to play with my young sister and so was sitting playing with her and my older sister and mil was straight in their distracting LO do that she would go over to her instead, this behaviour happens ALL THE TIME, and my family are getting really upset by it.

That's awful. Did you say anything when MIL wouldn't give LO to your Mum, or when she distracted LO from your sisters? I suspect you were too polite to. If you let her do these things, it makes the situation worse - she probably reckons she can get away with it until you say something, and if _you_ never say something, she knows your family are unlikely to.

Your family can't do it (without causing huge rows), but you can. You have the ultimate say over what happens with LO. Something simple and direct, e.g. "give LO to Mum please, its her turn for a cuddle", and "MIL, stop distracting LO, she's playing with sister atm". If MIL (or OH) protests, you can quite honestly say "you've had LO most of the day, and there are other people who'd like a cuddle with her on xmas day". Polite, but firm.

You need to advocate for your family, otherwise no-one will. Don't be scared, what you want is entirely reasonable. :hugs:


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## Emma&Freya

Oh hun, it sounds like you have had a tough time!

Its people like your MIL that make you depressed, your OH needs to be sat down again and have a strong word.


----------



## Bubblefish

babyloulou said:


> You really need to put your foot down with your OH too though- I remember you standing up to your MIL before and your OH took her side :-(

I know you're right, my oh does agree with most other things such as he notices her strange behaviour etc but will not budge on her coming over as much as she wants, there have been a few times since LO was born where oh has been off work for a period of time and mil was coming over a lot and he didn't mind at all! He's always been so close to his mum so I think he's just used to this closeness between them that he can't see it from my point! I have tried and tried explaining to him exactly how I feel but he just doesn't get it :nope:


----------



## Bubblefish

LannieDuck said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> mil had hold of LO for most of the evening, my mum tried to get a cuddle from LO and lo wouldn't go to her :nope: she was clinging to mil and so mil just kept hold of her, the look on my mums face broke my heart :cry: LO loves to play with my young sister and so was sitting playing with her and my older sister and mil was straight in their distracting LO do that she would go over to her instead, this behaviour happens ALL THE TIME, and my family are getting really upset by it.
> 
> That's awful. Did you say anything when MIL wouldn't give LO to your Mum, or when she distracted LO from your sisters? I suspect you were too polite to. If you let her do these things, it makes the situation worse - she probably reckons she can get away with it until you say something, and if _you_ never say something, she knows your family are unlikely to.
> 
> Your family can't do it (without causing huge rows), but you can. You have the ultimate say over what happens with LO. Something simple and direct, e.g. "give LO to Mum please, its her turn for a cuddle", and "MIL, stop distracting LO, she's playing with sister atm". If MIL (or OH) protests, you can quite honestly say "you've had LO most of the day, and there are other people who'd like a cuddle with her on xmas day". Polite, but firm.
> 
> You need to advocate for your family, otherwise no-one will. Don't be scared, what you want is entirely reasonable. :hugs:Click to expand...



No I didn't say much when mil wouldn't give LO to my mum but I didn't know what to say because LO was clinging to mil and there have been past times when the same thing has happened and mil has handed her over but then LO just screamed and tried to get out of my mums arms and back to my mil and my mil says 'aw come on then' and takes LO back and I know if I said anything she would just say well I tried but she LO didn't want to go!

The situation where she was distracting LO whilst she was with my sisters I didn't directly say anything but I did try and hint by saying 'come on play with such and such theyve came over to see you and havnt seen you all week!' of course by then LO didn't want to leave mil!


----------



## Bex84

I cant believe your OH isnt supporting you. It isnt his choice how much his mother comes around when you are there and he isnt. I would just keep using the im busy, your OH needs to get his priorities right and support you. My OH thought I was overeacting other night when my MIL was being a cow but listened to me and realised what I was talking about and supported me. My MIL has indicated alot she would like to come in the day but its not happening, I strait out said I am busy, I go out and do stuff with LO and my time in the day is mine to spend with LO. She does try it on though, she rang me 5 times in 15 minutes today because I didnt answer the stupid phone. I would just go out everytime she comes over and not let her hold LO. I cant believe what your MIL did over xmas, your OH should really tell his mother off.


----------



## babyloulou

Can you show your OH this thread Bubblefish? So he can see how unreasonable all these other people think it is too??


----------



## hattiehippo

I'm so sorry you're still having problems with the evil witch. She needs a serious kick up the arse - your LO is not hers and she clearly thinks she is and has absolutley no respect for you as a mother or a DIL.

1) If you don't want her round don't answer the door or answer the phone - if she keeps calling, turn your phone off or put it on silent, if its a landline unplug it. I let my MIL go to the answer phone all the time cos I can't stand talking to her. If she thinks she heard that you were in afterall then so what? Might give her the hint you don't want to see her!

2) You are your LO's mother and that bitch can never change that fact however hard she tries and for that reason alone you should be smug with her. Next time she makes some stupid comment about LO prefering her to you then tell her something like 'its lovely that she has such a good relationship with her grandmother - it will make sure she remembers you in the future when you're not with us anymore'.

3) You need to act now as she is actively trying to come between the 2 of you and you don't want your MIL's disrespect for you coming back through your daughter.

4) Tell your OH that while you understand that he's happy for his mother to come around whenever she likes, you are not. You don't need his support on this one or reasons why...its your house and when he's not there its totally down to you who you see or let him. 

Your MIL makes my blood boil just thinking about her...how dare she try and get between you and your daughter and how dare she not give her straight back when you were ill.


----------



## LannieDuck

Bubblefish said:


> No I didn't say much when mil wouldn't give LO to my mum but I didn't know what to say because LO was clinging to mil and there have been past times when the same thing has happened and mil has handed her over but then LO just screamed and tried to get out of my mums arms and back to my mil and my mil says 'aw come on then' and takes LO back and I know if I said anything she would just say well I tried but she LO didn't want to go!

Surely that just suggests that she needs to spend more time with your Mum, not less! 

I think in that situation *I* would have taken LO (taking her off MIL if necessary), taken her into another room to calm her down, and then passed her over to your Mum. (If she cries whenever she's passed to your Mum, you may need to spend some quiet time during the week with LO and your Mum so LO can get familiar with her.) And I would have been quite direct with telling MIL that LO needed to spend some time getting to know her other granny some more. 



Bubblefish said:


> The situation where she was distracting LO whilst she was with my sisters I didn't directly say anything but I did try and hint by saying 'come on play with such and such theyve came over to see you and havnt seen you all week!' of course by then LO didn't want to leave mil!

I think you really need to start being direct with her. MIL has demonstrated many times that she ignores subtle hints. 

Again, if LO has already gone to MIL, I would take her off MIL, take her somewhere quiet to calm her down if she starts crying, then return her to your sisters and their game.

I really feel for you, Bubblefish. I think you have a brazen, manipulative MIL who's taking advantage of your good nature.


----------



## MrsPOP

^^^ What LannieDuck said.

My LO always cries when my In Laws see her but has the biggest grin on her face the minute she sees my mum. Thats because she sees my mum all the time but my In Laws dont bother with her.

I would tell your MIL that after Christmas it was clear that LO needs to spend more time with your mum, if she gives you shit you say "well I noticed she was reluctant to go to my mum and she needs to get used to seeing my mum more often. After all we dont want LO getting upset when she sees her Nan now do we?" <-- she cant say no without looking like a complete douche at that. 

Also say that after her comments about LO preferring her to you, I would smile at her and say "thankyou for pointing out to me that LO is preferring you to me. Im sure you will agree that isnt normal and I think LO and I need some time together to stop that happening. Im her mother and Im sure you will agree she should be preferring me over anybody so Im sure you will understand that we'll have to be reducing visits and time away from me for now to redress the balance." <---again she would look like a douche if she said no.

What does your mum say about it all? And what behaviours does your OH agree are odd?


----------



## fluffpuffin

MrsPOP said:


> ^^^ What LannieDuck said.
> 
> My LO always cries when my In Laws see her but has the biggest grin on her face the minute she sees my mum. Thats because she sees my mum all the time but my In Laws dont bother with her.
> 
> I would tell your MIL that after Christmas it was clear that LO needs to spend more time with your mum, if she gives you shit you say "well I noticed she was reluctant to go to my mum and she needs to get used to seeing my mum more often. After all we dont want LO getting upset when she sees her Nan now do we?" <-- she cant say no without looking like a complete douche at that.
> 
> Also say that after her comments about LO preferring her to you, I would smile at her and say "thankyou for pointing out to me that LO is preferring you to me. Im sure you will agree that isnt normal and I think LO and I need some time together to stop that happening. Im her mother and Im sure you will agree she should be preferring me over anybody so Im sure you will understand that we'll have to be reducing visits and time away from me for now to redress the balance." <---again she would look like a douche if she said no.
> 
> What does your mum say about it all? And what behaviours does your OH agree are odd?

love this!! turn everything around and make her look bad :)


----------



## AP

^thats actually mint advice. She'd look like a tube if she tried to argue any of that.

And remember any tears or upset, so what? As long as its not you. ;) you have every right


----------



## MikaylasMummy

first of all i would tell your mil how you feel PERSONALLY and make sure she knows you are upset that lo appears to prefer her so she knows its not just you wanting to do more but that she is hurting your feelings.maybe that might make her more aware..she really should be as you are home with lo and have the power to stop her seeing lo so much!secondly just to make you feel a bit better for some reason my 13month old boy is and has been for months completely obsessed with oh and my mil.he only sees mil 2x a week usually and she only plays with and holds him and sometimes feeds him his dinner but whenever she's around he ONLY wants her.he will cry if i take him off her so she can finish dinner.lol.i am not bothered by it as she isnt around constantly so i still get my time with him its actually nice FOR ME cause i get a really good break cos she doesnt want him to cry ;-) i would maybe pretend your not home sometimes or a few times when she would normally come over try and go out and maybe she will get the hint that you dont have time to hang around with her all day every day


----------



## Bubblefish

MrsPOP said:


> ^^^ What LannieDuck said.
> 
> My LO always cries when my In Laws see her but has the biggest grin on her face the minute she sees my mum. Thats because she sees my mum all the time but my In Laws dont bother with her.
> 
> I would tell your MIL that after Christmas it was clear that LO needs to spend more time with your mum, if she gives you shit you say "well I noticed she was reluctant to go to my mum and she needs to get used to seeing my mum more often. After all we dont want LO getting upset when she sees her Nan now do we?" <-- she cant say no without looking like a complete douche at that.
> 
> Also say that after her comments about LO preferring her to you, I would smile at her and say "thankyou for pointing out to me that LO is preferring you to me. Im sure you will agree that isnt normal and I think LO and I need some time together to stop that happening. Im her mother and Im sure you will agree she should be preferring me over anybody so Im sure you will understand that we'll have to be reducing visits and time away from me for now to redress the balance." <---again she would look like a douche if she said no.
> 
> What does your mum say about it all? And what behaviours does your OH agree are odd?

Thanks I like these suggestions, surely she can't possibly argue with them?!

My mum gets upset because she knows mil spends the most time with LO and she knows LO prefers mil over her which is obviously upsetting. :nope:

And there have been a lot of odd behaviours such as mil would come over and completely take over with LO, not even letting me near her and if I did manage to get LO mil would take her straight back off me or distract her so it seemed like it was Los idea! This sort of behaviour started right from the birth when mil held LO before me :cry:


----------



## LannieDuck

Bubblefish said:


> And there have been a lot of odd behaviours such as mil would come over and completely take over with LO, *not even letting me near her* and if I did manage to get LO mil would take her straight back off me or distract her so it seemed like it was Los idea! This sort of behaviour started right from the birth when mil held LO before me :cry:

I don't understand this. How does she stop you being near her? If you walked over and picked LO up, what would she do? :shrug:

If you want to take her off MIL, just do it - "I'm going to have some time with LO now", and take her. If MIL holds on, don't let go and don't back down - you're the mother. She has no right to hold on while you're taking your baby. You're allowed to get angry - "Give me my baby!". 

If LO wants to go to MIL, distract her with a toy and tell MIL "no, I'm having her for a bit". If she persists (e.g. "But she wants to come to me"), try "I'm having a cuddle with my daughter. Back off." (LO is 1 year old - she doesn't always have to get what she want. You're in charge, not her.)

You're also allowed to tell MIL to stop distracting LO all the time. Just tell her off whenever she does it. You may end up sounding like a broken record :wacko:


----------



## Mizze

Bubblefish :hug: 

I havent posted in this thread for a while but well, its hard not to again. 

First - dont let your MIL or OH tell you her behaviour is normal it ISNT. Its controlling to a frightening degree, damaging and downright weird. Palestrina is right- and never forget it - this woman is actively trying to damage your relationship with your child AND is getting satisfaction and glee from doing so - she gives me the shudders. 

But the ONLY person who wants it to change and has the power to do so is you. Your MIL is getting what she wants, your OH is to lazy, too cowed or too thoughtless to do anything about it - (dont forget this woman raised him - what to him seems normal is NOT normal to other people) your family CANT do anything without you 

So, unfortuntely the only person who can change this situation is you. And I dont mean to be harsh - (god knows id have left him or killed her or gone totally crazy by now if I was in your shoes)

So if you do really want to put an end to this - here is my plan
1) Take the advice above from Mrs POP - and tell it to your OH too - because from what I remember of your MIL she will agree with you and then ignore it COMPLETELY. 
2) Then carry it out - agree it in advance with your mum and your family and BE OUT when she comes and DONT visit her at her house if that "doesnt count" 
3) Reduce the visits to twice a week for x hours and again - leave at a certain time to get her out and go visit a friend - somewhere it would look VERY odd if she came too
4) Keep it up - this wont go away unless you deal with it and she will try and stop you at every turn but you have an ACE card - in her nasty vile smugness she told you your LO prefers her to you - thats your get out of jail card because you can use and reuse it as often as she starts to encroach and push your boundaries - its NOT normal for that to happen and it needs to be stopped if you and LO are to have a good relationship. 
5) Dont ask OH- Tell him - its YOUR house to and frankly you have first say in who is allowed in or not -his Mother should come behind you and LO in importance and if she doesnt you need to remind OH whose baby and whose house it is.

This requires effort on your part and goodness knows its bloody hard enough just having a baby without this rubbish on top but if you dont deal with it now - it will get harder and harder and you will get more and more pushed out. 

Gosh that sounds awfully hard doesnt it, sorry if it feels as though I am ordering you - I think its because we all know what an awful situation you are in and we would all, im sure collectively, like to give MIL a piece of our minds to stop this abuse of you and your relationship (with OH as well as your LO in my opinion) and its frustrating that we cant - only you can do this. With our full support and cheers of course.

Mizze xxx


----------



## MrsPOP

^^^ again, what Lannie Duck said! :)

Your poor mum. Well then you DEFINATELY need to do something about this if your mum is getting upset. If your mum is able to, I would arrange it so she comes round on the days MIL suggests so when MIL's like 'hey, I'm coming to totally invade your space on tuesday' then you say 'nope sorry, my mum is coming to see her, LO doesn't know her Nan as well as she knows you so we're going to be rectifying that. Thanks for understanding'.

This woman sounds like she's got a skin thicker than a rhino's arse. Time to be blunt and direct and turning it round to make her look bad. Yes you take LO off her, if she refuses just grab her out of her arms. If LO cries to go to her, refuse, if she gets upset take her out of the room and calm her down.

This has been going on for a YEAR Hun. If you don't do something that says to MIL once and for all 'back off you psychotically clingy douchebag' then she's gonna to be like this FOREVER.


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## MrsPOP

^^^ what Mizze said too.

I really want to find this woman and give her a piece of my mind. She sounds horrendous!

*much hugs*


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## babyloulou

Can I just add I know how incredibly hard this must be for you. I hate confrontation and as I much as I think you should stand up to her I know I would find it very, very difficult to do - BUT I do think you have to!

To add to what to what Mrs Pop said above about her being like this forever - can you imagine how bad this is going to get when your daughter understands more and can communicate properly??? Is your MIL going to keep saying "she likes me best" infront of her? And telling her she "doesn't need you"? It's going to be so confusing for her :-(

I do honestly think you NEED to get OH on side first to make this work. Either by gentle persuasion or by demanding it! Did he see her behaviour at Xmas with your family? What did he think to it???


----------



## Mizze

Bubblefish - we are ALL cheering you on - never forget that when you have to deal with this xxx

Mizze xx


----------



## Palestrina

Mizze said:


> Bubblefish :hug:
> 
> 
> *This requires effort on your part* and goodness knows its bloody hard enough just having a baby without this rubbish on top but if you dont deal with it now - it will get harder and harder and you will get more and more pushed out.
> 
> 
> Mizze xxx

I agree with this, the proof is in the pudding. It's just getting worse. I hate to see a person who is controlled this way. However you are not helpless but you do have to help yourself. This situation will not go away just by wishing it away, it will not go away on its own just because you're in the right. I think this thread has run its course in the sense that we've all been extremely sympathetic and encouraging toward you. But there comes a point in time when it needs to be said - if you're not part of the solution then you're a part of the problem. You can't remain a victim forever. I'm baffled that you would allow your child to be exploited and used by her in this way and I feel kind of bad that nobody is looking out for her. In essence she's being taught to love her grandmother and not need her mother.


----------



## Mum22GTTC

Palestrina said:


> Mizze said:
> 
> 
> Bubblefish :hug:
> 
> 
> *This requires effort on your part* and goodness knows its bloody hard enough just having a baby without this rubbish on top but if you dont deal with it now - it will get harder and harder and you will get more and more pushed out.
> 
> 
> Mizze xxx
> 
> I agree with this, the proof is in the pudding. It's just getting worse. I hate to see a person who is controlled this way. However you are not helpless but you do have to help yourself. This situation will not go away just by wishing it away, it will not go away on its own just because you're in the right. I think this thread has run its course in the sense that we've all been extremely sympathetic and encouraging toward you. But there comes a point in time when it needs to be said - if you're not part of the solution then you're a part of the problem. You can't remain a victim forever. I'm baffled that you would allow your child to be exploited and used by her in this way and I feel kind of bad that nobody is looking out for her. In essence she's being taught to love her grandmother and not need her mother.Click to expand...

I agree completely.
Bubblefish you seem like a lovely person & obviously not conforntational is the slightest. But it's those traits that your MIL is using to her advantage. YOU are the only person that can stop this & for the sake of your relationship with your LO, you husband & your own family. YOU need to step up & take control. 

It's hard, but your daughter is worth it. That is all you need to think about in this situation. If MIL doesn't like it then tough luck, let her get upset, if anything she deserves to be upset. You & your LO do not need a lady like that in your lives, you have been more than tolerant, if it were me I would not see her at all after the way she has behaved. My children & my relationship with my children is more important than anything else - that's how you need to start thinking (& acting upon) too.

Hope you don't think that I'm being harsh, I'm not, but I find it upsetting to read that your MIL is walking all over you & your family. I've been there (although no where near to your extent) & I nipped it in the bud & I'll be honest for some years after my stern words my relationship with my il-laws wasn't great, but it was worth it not to feel like an outsider with my own baby (we get on great now). 

Big :hugs:


----------



## Bubblefish

LannieDuck said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> And there have been a lot of odd behaviours such as mil would come over and completely take over with LO, *not even letting me near her* and if I did manage to get LO mil would take her straight back off me or distract her so it seemed like it was Los idea! This sort of behaviour started right from the birth when mil held LO before me :cry:
> 
> I don't understand this. How does she stop you being near her? If you walked over and picked LO up, what would she do? :shrug:
> 
> If you want to take her off MIL, just do it - "I'm going to have some time with LO now", and take her. If MIL holds on, don't let go and don't back down - you're the mother. She has no right to hold on while you're taking your baby. You're allowed to get angry - "Give me my baby!".
> 
> If LO wants to go to MIL, distract her with a toy and tell MIL "no, I'm having her for a bit". If she persists (e.g. "But she wants to come to me"), try "I'm having a cuddle with my daughter. Back off." (LO is 1 year old - she doesn't always have to get what she want. You're in charge, not her.)
> 
> You're also allowed to tell MIL to stop distracting LO all the time. Just tell her off whenever she does it. You may end up sounding like a broken record :wacko:Click to expand...

What I meant by mil doesn't let me get near her is mil basically distracts her attention from me. There have been many times when I have gotten angry and picked LO up and said come on let's do such and such and taken her away from mil and mil has followed me, one time when she was a few months i took LO into the bedroom and said I was going to change her bum and mil actually came in and sat on the bed next to LO. We don't have locks on the doors. There have been times when I have went over to take LO out of mils arms and she would not let go and I have had to use force to get her and I did not give up until I got her. I have confronted my mil about these times and her excuse was oh you looked tired I just wanted to help to let you get some rest! So I told her if I needed help I would have asked and you upset me a lot not letting me have my own child. 

It's not like I have been letting her get away with everything, I have confronted her on a few things and she always has excuses! And then things improve for a while and then she start all over again!


----------



## Bubblefish

MrsPOP said:


> ^^^ again, what Lannie Duck said! :)
> 
> Your poor mum. Well then you DEFINATELY need to do something about this if your mum is getting upset. If your mum is able to, I would arrange it so she comes round on the days MIL suggests so when MIL's like 'hey, I'm coming to totally invade your space on tuesday' then you say 'nope sorry, my mum is coming to see her, LO doesn't know her Nan as well as she knows you so we're going to be rectifying that. Thanks for understanding'.
> 
> This woman sounds like she's got a skin thicker than a rhino's arse. Time to be blunt and direct and turning it round to make her look bad. Yes you take LO off her, if she refuses just grab her out of her arms. If LO cries to go to her, refuse, if she gets upset take her out of the room and calm her down.
> 
> This has been going on for a YEAR Hun. If you don't do something that says to MIL once and for all 'back off you psychotically clingy douchebag' then she's gonna to be like this FOREVER.

Thankyou, I'm deffinately going to use that top suggestion, I am going to use her own words of LO preferring her and say how I think it is not normal and how upset my mum was at Christmas and that I feel LO needs a bit of distance from mil and more time to get used to her other family!


----------



## BabyBoo36

Bubblefish said:


> LannieDuck said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> And there have been a lot of odd behaviours such as mil would come over and completely take over with LO, *not even letting me near her* and if I did manage to get LO mil would take her straight back off me or distract her so it seemed like it was Los idea! This sort of behaviour started right from the birth when mil held LO before me :cry:
> 
> I don't understand this. How does she stop you being near her? If you walked over and picked LO up, what would she do? :shrug:
> 
> If you want to take her off MIL, just do it - "I'm going to have some time with LO now", and take her. If MIL holds on, don't let go and don't back down - you're the mother. She has no right to hold on while you're taking your baby. You're allowed to get angry - "Give me my baby!".
> 
> If LO wants to go to MIL, distract her with a toy and tell MIL "no, I'm having her for a bit". If she persists (e.g. "But she wants to come to me"), try "I'm having a cuddle with my daughter. Back off." (LO is 1 year old - she doesn't always have to get what she want. You're in charge, not her.)
> 
> You're also allowed to tell MIL to stop distracting LO all the time. Just tell her off whenever she does it. You may end up sounding like a broken record :wacko:Click to expand...
> 
> What I meant by mil doesn't let me get near her is mil basically distracts her attention from me. There have been many times when I have gotten angry and picked LO up and said come on let's do such and such and taken her away from mil and mil has followed me, one time when she was a few months i took LO into the bedroom and said I was going to change her bum and mil actually came in and sat on the bed next to LO. We don't have locks on the doors. There have been times when I have went over to take LO out of mils arms and she would not let go and I have had to use force to get her and I did not give up until I got her. I have confronted my mil about these times and her excuse was oh you looked tired I just wanted to help to let you get some rest! So I told her if I needed help I would have asked and you upset me a lot not letting me have my own child.
> 
> It's not like I have been letting her get away with everything, I have confronted her on a few things and she always has excuses! And then things improve for a while and then she start all over again!Click to expand...

This is exactly what people are talking about Bubblefish - she shows a complete lack of disrespect for you. Get a bolt put on your bedroom door - if DH won't do it, I'm sure your parents will - and the next time you change her nappy, go upstairs and bolt that door behind you. How dare she follow you??

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I agree with the others - you HAVE to put a stop to this. She is doing this because you allow her to by not confronting her behaviour. You have been given loads of advice on here about what to say to her. Please. please, please for the sake of your family, confront this awful woman now, and put a stop to her dreadful behaviour before your daughter gets too old for you to stop it xx


----------



## Bubblefish

I'm baffled that you would allow your child to be exploited and used by her in this way and I feel kind of bad that nobody is looking out for her. In essence she's being taught to love her grandmother and not need her mother.[/QUOTE]

Wow that hurt :cry:


I don't think that I am allowing it, well ok I suppose in a way but I have done many things to stop it, ok maybe not enough especially in the beginning but I am trying to now, I have limited her access, I have confronted her on many things, things were actually improving for a while but then over Christmas with seing a lot of family etc things just seemed to go back to square one! So I'm straight back on here to get more ideas as obviously need to try new angles if she did not get the message enough before! 

I know I havnt done enough but it is hard when you have an oh who adores the woman and disagrees with you and I am a first time mum who found it very hard at first.

I deffinately deffinately want the situation to change and I am taking every single suggestion on here into account and next time I see mil I am going to have it out with her and make sure the situation changes!


----------



## LannieDuck

Aww, I'm sorry that we're upsetting you. I don't think any of us intend to.

I think the problem is that it's gotten to the stage where you're going to have to upset MIL, and that's hard to do. At least you know that everyone on here supports you and thinks MIL is crazy!


----------



## Bubblefish

LannieDuck said:


> Aww, I'm sorry that we're upsetting you. I don't think any of us intend to.
> 
> I think the problem is that it's gotten to the stage where you're going to have to upset MIL, and that's hard to do. At least you know that everyone on here supports you and thinks MIL is crazy!


It's ok, I know most of it is true it's just hard to hear some of these things, and yes it's nice to hear that others support me and know how crazy my mil is especially as my oh and my mil try to make out that her coming over a lot etc is normal, I sometimes begin doubting myself so ts good to come on here and get my courage up again x


----------



## Mizze

Bubblefish said:


> LannieDuck said:
> 
> 
> Aww, I'm sorry that we're upsetting you. I don't think any of us intend to.
> 
> I think the problem is that it's gotten to the stage where you're going to have to upset MIL, and that's hard to do. At least you know that everyone on here supports you and thinks MIL is crazy!
> 
> 
> It's ok, I know most of it is true it's just hard to hear some of these things, and yes it's nice to hear that others support me and know how crazy my mil is *especially as my oh and my mil try to make out that her coming over a lot etc is normal, I sometimes begin doubting myself *so ts good to come on here and get my courage up again xClick to expand...

If you take away nothing else from this - then take away this - IT IS NOT NORMAL- YOU ARE RIGHT TO FIND IT ABNORMAL AND STRANGE.

There - apologies for the shouting and yes its sooooo easy for us to give advice - but in the end sweetheart, its up to you to stop something which causes you so much pain and upset. :hugs::hugs:

Mizze x


----------



## MrsPOP

Dont worry bubblefish, I dont think you're not looking out for your LO. Reading through this thread you can see how much you love LO and how you have tried on numeruous occasions to stop it.

I do think saying you are allowing MIL to exploit or use your LO was a bit harsh TBH. Its clear from this thread that you are a very nice person who struggles a bit with confrontation. You've tried very hard but have had little support from your OH and frankly your MIL sounds like one of the most stubborn and thick skinned MIL-zillas that have ever been ranted about on here! What you have done so far probably would have been successful with a less overbearing MIL but this is a special case.

I wonder whether getting more support from your mum might help? As its really affecting her, your mum should really now be more active and helpful with getting MIL to back the f*** off. :hugs:


----------



## Bubblefish

Mizze said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> LannieDuck said:
> 
> 
> Aww, I'm sorry that we're upsetting you. I don't think any of us intend to.
> 
> I think the problem is that it's gotten to the stage where you're going to have to upset MIL, and that's hard to do. At least you know that everyone on here supports you and thinks MIL is crazy!
> 
> 
> It's ok, I know most of it is true it's just hard to hear some of these things, and yes it's nice to hear that others support me and know how crazy my mil is *especially as my oh and my mil try to make out that her coming over a lot etc is normal, I sometimes begin doubting myself *so ts good to come on here and get my courage up again xClick to expand...
> 
> If you take away nothing else from this - then take away this - IT IS NOT NORMAL- YOU ARE RIGHT TO FIND IT ABNORMAL AND STRANGE.
> 
> There - apologies for the shouting and yes its sooooo easy for us to give advice - but in the end sweetheart, its up to you to stop something which causes you so much pain and upset. :hugs::hugs:
> 
> Mizze xClick to expand...

Thankyou x


----------



## BabyBoo36

I'll shout as well - IT IS NOT, NOT, NOT NORMAL!!!!

My MIL comes over, or we go to hers once a week or so. If she's going into town on the bus, she will sometimes ring and ask if she can pop in for an hour. She always asks if she can hold Freya (sometimes I even have to say "Are you going to Nanna for a cuddle?" as she doesn't like to just take her or pick her up), she never overstays her welcome, and wouldn't dream of following me round the house, or disrupting my Mum's time with Freya - THAT is normal - and respectful.

What your MIL does is so out of line, the line is no longer in view! xx


----------



## MrsPOP

BabyBoo36 said:


> I'll shout as well - IT IS NOT, NOT, NOT NORMAL!!!!
> 
> My MIL comes over, or we go to hers once a week or so. If she's going into town on the bus, she will sometimes ring and ask if she can pop in for an hour. She always asks if she can hold Freya (sometimes I even have to say "Are you going to Nanna for a cuddle?" as she doesn't like to just take her or pick her up), she never overstays her welcome, and wouldn't dream of following me round the house, or disrupting my Mum's time with Freya - THAT is normal - and respectful.
> 
> *What your MIL does is so out of line, the line is no longer in view!* xx

Reminds me of Joey and Chandler on FRIENDS "the line is a dot to you"! (sorry, OT... :) )


----------



## AP

Aw hun it can be really difficult when its you thats in the situation. Sometimes its just not as easy as it sounds. But with our support and back up you can make this change and in turn YOU will be happier


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## v2007

I think you need to get the big guns out and start to stand your ground. 

This woman is gonna push you over the edge and they way she is going it will come sooner rather than later. 

Stand your bloody ground, be defiant, clear and follow through. 

She is playing dirty and is being a controling bitch. 

Good luck. 

V xxx


----------



## Bubblefish

MrsPOP said:


> Dont worry bubblefish, I dont think you're not looking out for your LO. Reading through this thread you can see how much you love LO and how you have tried on numeruous occasions to stop it.
> 
> I do think saying you are allowing MIL to exploit or use your LO was a bit harsh TBH. Its clear from this thread that you are a very nice person who struggles a bit with confrontation. You've tried very hard but have had little support from your OH and frankly your MIL sounds like one of the most stubborn and thick skinned MIL-zillas that have ever been ranted about on here! What you have done so far probably would have been successful with a less overbearing MIL but this is a special case.
> 
> I wonder whether getting more support from your mum might help? As its really affecting her, your mum should really now be more active and helpful with getting MIL to back the f*** off. :hugs:

Thankyou :hugs:

Well my mum was over today and we had a chat about it all and she has said that if after my chat with mil the situation does not improve she will not be holding her tongue anymore and will confront mil if a situation like Xmas day arises again! Hopefully though after our 'talk' this won't be necessary! I have also informed oh that he will be present at this talk so he can see what shit I have to put up with when he isn't around!


----------



## BabyBoo36

MrsPOP said:


> BabyBoo36 said:
> 
> 
> I'll shout as well - IT IS NOT, NOT, NOT NORMAL!!!!
> 
> My MIL comes over, or we go to hers once a week or so. If she's going into town on the bus, she will sometimes ring and ask if she can pop in for an hour. She always asks if she can hold Freya (sometimes I even have to say "Are you going to Nanna for a cuddle?" as she doesn't like to just take her or pick her up), she never overstays her welcome, and wouldn't dream of following me round the house, or disrupting my Mum's time with Freya - THAT is normal - and respectful.
> 
> *What your MIL does is so out of line, the line is no longer in view!* xx
> 
> Reminds me of Joey and Chandler on FRIENDS "the line is a dot to you"! (sorry, OT... :) )Click to expand...

I was waiting for someone to say that! It's usually me who disrupts the "bitchy" type threads with a quote from Friends! (Not that this thread is bitchy).


----------



## Palestrina

MrsPOP said:


> *Dont worry bubblefish, I dont think you're not looking out for your LO. Reading through this thread you can see how much you love LO and how you have tried on numeruous occasions to stop it.*
> 
> *I do think saying you are allowing MIL to exploit or use your LO was a bit harsh TBH.* Its clear from this thread that you are a very nice person who struggles a bit with confrontation. You've tried very hard but have had little support from your OH and frankly your MIL sounds like one of the most stubborn and thick skinned MIL-zillas that have ever been ranted about on here! What you have done so far probably would have been successful with a less overbearing MIL but this is a special case.
> 
> I wonder whether getting more support from your mum might help? As its really affecting her, your mum should really now be more active and helpful with getting MIL to back the f*** off. :hugs:

I never meant to imply that you're not a good mother sorry if it made you feel that way. I get so wound up when I read about horrible mils! But I get the impression that you believe your mil loves LO. None of her behavior sounds like love to me, I Think it's destructive! If she really loved your LO she wouldn't be using her as a way to make herself feel important. What she really loves is having control over your house. She loves making you feel unimportant, she absolutely adores harping on the fact that LO seems to prefer her so much that she has actually made you believe that LO prefers her. It's so far from the truth, how can your daughter love her more without your participation? The fact that OH doesn't support you is only a preview of what is to come. She has shaped his view of what's "normal," don't let her do that to your LO!


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## Pielette

I haven't commented on this thread before but have just read through it and I just wanted to say oh my God hun I feel for you. As everyone else has said, this woman is a controlling bitch who wants her own way and doesn't care about the damage she is doing to you and your LO. I agree that you need to get as strong as you can and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is out of line and it needs to end NOW.
Your OH should be supporting you. It's your home and your child and his little family should come first. 
I know I'm saying what everyone else has already, just know that you deserve much better than this sh!t.


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## LannieDuck

Bubblefish said:


> Well my mum was over today and we had a chat about it all and she has said that if after my chat with mil the situation does not improve she will not be holding her tongue anymore and will confront mil if a situation like Xmas day arises again! Hopefully though after our 'talk' this won't be necessary! I have also informed oh that he will be present at this talk so he can see what shit I have to put up with when he isn't around!

:thumbup:

Go Bubblefish's Mum!

And good luck with The Talk.


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## MrsPOP

When are you going to talk to her Bubblefish?


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## LadyRoy

:hugs:


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## mistyscott

Wow - just read through this thread (managed to get LO to sleep during this!) and can I say I am impressed with how you've handled things in such a mature and respectful way. I too hate confrontation and in your shoes would probably have avoided saying anything until it all built up and over in a big mess! 

You've had some great advice over the months but I wanted to add about the whole LO preferring mil to you thing... The crying when taken away from mil, getting excited when seeing her, sad when she leaves etc all sounds like learnt behaviour to me - given the same exposure to your family I'm sure your LO would have the same response to them. I totally agree with previous posters in that this is exactly why your LO would benefit from seeing other members of the family a lot more. 
Do you still feel like your bond with LO is threatened by your mil? If so, I think this is a good reason to tell your mil (get oh to agree beforehand, on pain of death!) that you need a couple of weeks with just you and LO. She won't like it, but it won't kill her - and your LO is not her baby! 
Definitely not normal behaviour...

On a different note, it's made me think about my LO and mil relationship and I've just text to see if she wants to come to town with us as she only sees him a couple times a month, despite living close (the reason we moved to this area is dh family live here). 

Good luck, and stick to your guns x


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## Palestrina

One thing, in regard to everyone suggesting that you tell your mil that you have to stop this unnatural closeness that she and your daughter have, I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's unwise to arm her with the idea that LO prefers her to you. Obviously I doubt that the statement is even true, however she wants you to think it's true and will get a perverse satisfaction from knowing she has succeeded. And even if you did tell her, she has zero motivation to try to help you rectify it. She has no need to know why she's not welcome at your house, it's none of her business. Doesn't she have any hobbies?


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## MommynWaiting

((HUGS))

Your good faith tactics are not working. It's unfortunate, but she's getting away with it because she has you pegged. She knows exactly how to manipulate the situation, portray her innocence and make you look like an arse. It's also not suprising that your DH doesn't fully support you, as she has him blinded, as well. One of the things that can get you into trouble with people like this is offering them excuses or explanations for your decisions - they can rebuttal ANYTHING!! It's best to say "yes," or "no" PERIOD! Not, "yes because," "no because". The BECAUSE will get you into trouble, as she already has her answer for every BECAUSE that you are going to give her. When she wants to come over, just say, "No." When she asks, "Why?" Say, "I have no reason." Once you say, "No because I have laundry, (cooking), (cleaning), (insert ANYTHING, really) she already has a rebuttal ready. 

Simple rules:
Say less and DON'T defend your answer.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and unfortunately it IS up to you to manage this because it doesn't sound like she's going to stop, as she is getting what she wants. I would also limit DH's involvement with these "negotiations," as she might like being in the middle of your marriage, as well. I would stop telling her that you are hurt or offended by anything she does. Like the PP mentioned, I truly believe she gets a perverse sense of satisfaction out of it. I would have NO more little talks with her. Remove her from the center of the universe and live your life the way you want to. You need to realize that YOU DO have the POWER in this relationship. So what if you don't answer the door and your LO is crying, and she knows you're home? So what? By not answering the door due to her impromptu visit - it reinforces that YOU WON'T answer the door. Right now, she knows that you will. Don't worry HOW she receives your behavior and remember the ends justify the means. Stop worrying about hurting her feelings. She has NO respect for yours. Google narcissism in your free time.

Again, I am SOO sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any children, yet, but I know that my MIL is fully capable of this type of behavior. I hope I wasn't being too blunt, I speak from vicarious, personal experience, watching my MIL control my SIL's life (through her children). It really hits home, and the thought of her doing this to me infuriates me.


----------



## Bex84

I agree with mommynwaiting, I would defenetly just ignore the door. My DH knows if my MIL comes around when not invited I will just go out. So what if she hears you inside, I have purposfly ignored the phone and door if LO is upset, it serves her right for upseting you and if she complains to your OH just tell him when your at home with your LO it is your decision when to open the door. My MIL has now realised I will not drop everything for her when I am looking after and feeding my LO. I hope everything gets better soon :hugs:, I know its horrible to deal with awful MILs, I am glad I live away from mine, if she ever moved neer us I would be moving away :haha:


----------



## LisaL79

Can I just say that this thread is AMAZING!!! I spent most of my afternoon reading through the entire thing. WOW.
Bubblefish, I think you have done such a wonderful job. Sure things could be better, but you are doing so great and I know everything will get better for you and everyone else involved (well, not the MiL).

I don't think we'll have a problem with this with my mom or mil, but if we ever do, I know which thread to come to for some fantastic advice :D


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## AmethystDream

Right, time to chuck my oar in again. I'm frustrated for you. I'm angry for you. This thread makes me want to reach in, give you a hug and then throttle your MIL. The ladies have been doing a great job supporting and advising you but they are right in that this has to be stopped now. 

This is being done deliberately. MIL is quite intentionally trying to damage your relationship with your Daughter and is rather smug about it.

1) You can't reason with her. 
2) She will not respect your boundaries.
3) Her behaviour will continue until YOU stop it.

You don't ask that she stops her behaviour, you tell her that it will stop now. 

You don't negotiate when she can come. She is told when she is welcome, she is asked to leave when you want her to and if she comes over at another time... too bad. She doesn't get to come in.

If she doesn't give you your child when requested, you TAKE her back and MIL is told to leave the house immediately.

If she smugly tells you that LO is closer to her than you, say that is more than enough reason to not have so many visits. Oh well, no visits for the next few weeks then.

Yes have your Mum there as much as you want, for several reasons... the main ones being that your Mum really needs to bond with your LO and you need some moral support. 

You need to start to understand, this isn't a battle unless you allow it to be one. *She doesn't get a say!* At this stage you have tried to be nice, you have tried to put your foot down and, to be frank (please excuse the language), she is knowingly continuing to take the piss. This is where she is told in no uncertain terms that this is your child and any contact she has with her will be on your terms or not at all.


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## midori1999

You need to try and be much more abrasive in general. If your MIL follows you into the bedroom, simply say 'I didn't expect you to follow me in here' if she follows you about say 'you don't need to follow me around!' 

If you've had enough of her and want to cut he visit short say 'right, I need to go shopping/wherever now, so when shall I see you next?' if she says she'll come with you say 'I'd rather get some time to just myself and LO actually' or 'that's kind but I'd rather go alone'. Veto her at every given opportunity. 

I had a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandmother growing up, I adored her. however, my Mum is now very bitter as her and my Father lived with my Grandparents when I was born and my Grandmother took over. Please don't let that happen here. It won't do your child harm, children need people to love them, but it will harm you as the resentment will grow.


----------



## MizzDeeDee

midori1999 said:


> *You need to try and be much more abrasive in general.* If your MIL follows you into the bedroom, simply say 'I didn't expect you to follow me in here' if she follows you about say 'you don't need to follow me around!'
> 
> If you've had enough of her and want to cut he visit short say 'right, I need to go shopping/wherever now, so when shall I see you next?' if she says she'll come with you say 'I'd rather get some time to just myself and LO actually' or 'that's kind but I'd rather go alone'. Veto her at every given opportunity.
> 
> I had a wonderful relationship with my paternal grandmother growing up, I adored her. however, my Mum is now very bitter as her and my Father lived with my Grandparents when I was born and my Grandmother took over. Please don't let that happen here. It won't do your child harm, children need people to love them, but it will harm you as the resentment will grow.

I agree 100%. No matter what the situation is with an in-law.. or even a grandparent or other family member for that matter, what you do and don't do with your child is non-negotiable. 

If she can't show you respect.. which I believe she disrespects you pretty soundly- then I agree with the others, I think you need to be very blunt and to the point with how things will be moving forward. 

I think she is seriously undermining you as a mother and your relationship with your own child and I think you've been more kind then she frankly deserves.


----------



## Palestrina

MommynWaiting said:


> ((HUGS))
> 
> Your good faith tactics are not working. It's unfortunate, but she's getting away with it because she has you pegged. She knows exactly how to manipulate the situation, portray her innocence and make you look like an arse. It's also not suprising that your DH doesn't fully support you, as she has him blinded, as well. *One of the things that can get you into trouble with people like this is offering them excuses or explanations for your decisions - they can rebuttal ANYTHING!!* It's best to say "yes," or "no" PERIOD! Not, "yes because," "no because". The BECAUSE will get you into trouble, as she already has her answer for every BECAUSE that you are going to give her. When she wants to come over, just say, "No." When she asks, "Why?" Say, "I have no reason." Once you say, "No because I have laundry, (cooking), (cleaning), (insert ANYTHING, really) she already has a rebuttal ready.
> 
> 
> Simple rules:
> *Say less and DON'T defend your answer.*
> 
> I am so sorry you are going through this, and unfortunately it IS up to you to manage this because it doesn't sound like she's going to stop, as she is getting what she wants. I would also limit DH's involvement with these "negotiations," as she might like being in the middle of your marriage, as well. I would stop telling her that you are hurt or offended by anything she does. Like the PP mentioned, I truly believe she gets a perverse sense of satisfaction out of it. I would have NO more little talks with her. *Remove her from the center of the universe and live your life the way you want to.* You need to realize that YOU DO have the POWER in this relationship. So what if you don't answer the door and your LO is crying, and she knows you're home? So what? By not answering the door due to her impromptu visit - it reinforces that YOU WON'T answer the door. Right now, she knows that you will. Don't worry HOW she receives your behavior and remember the ends justify the means. Stop worrying about hurting her feelings. She has NO respect for yours. *Google narcissism in your free time.*
> 
> Again, I am SOO sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any children, yet, but I know that my MIL is fully capable of this type of behavior. I hope I wasn't being too blunt, I speak from vicarious, personal experience, watching my MIL control my SIL's life (through her children). It really hits home, and the thought of her doing this to me infuriates me.

Brilliantly said. Mommynwaiting you are very well equipped to handle any sort of crazy mil that comes your way. You said exactly what I wanted to say only much better. And you're so right, her MIL is a narcissist.


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## DarlingGirl

Really sorry you're having such an upsetting and stressful time Bubblefish. 
It must be so frustrating that your reasonable requests are falling on deaf ears. It's also really sad that it's now starting to upset your Mum. 
You have the absolute right to protect the bond between you and your daughter and also the bond between her and the other members of your family. It's important that you try and get this resolved before your LO gets older. 
The most healthy situation is to promote her exposure to other members of your family, friends and other babies and lessen any negative influence on both your lives. 
As a previous poster suggests, it might be a good idea to structure your week with eg. one fixed afternoon every week with each grandmother, couple of mornings at playgroups/playcentre/swimming etc and then fixed time for the two of you alone? 
Good luck Bubblefish.


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## Lawhra

I'm so sorry for you going through this. There is some sterling advice here and I hope your talk works.
Good luck, stay strong and Lways remember her behaviour is not normal nor acceptable :hugs:


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## tommyg

Hi Bubblefish. 
You've had lots of great advice and I hope having your mum on your side will be a huge help. Invite her round as much as possible - including the weekends I am quiet sure one or two FULL weekends spent in the company of your mum will make DH realise that you want your own space.

Somebody said to me recently "decent people can deal with decent people, but decent people struggle to deal with evil people". You have tried to play fair and be decent to MIL at your own expence and she's ignored your efforts for her own evil gain. Time to get nasty with MIL!!!

Good Luck and keep us all posted


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## Fruitmash

Sorry for jumping in here, but I can't stay quiet about it anymore. Simply put, that women is barmy. You can't reason with someone THAT arrogant, they'll never believe a word you say, they'll turn everything over on you and the confidence they have in themselves will make you question your decision until you "compromise". But it isn't a compromise, is it?? She's getting exactly what she wanted all along, at your expense. The time for playing nice is over, you can't afford to be passive in this situation anymore, it's not getting you anyway and it never will, she doesn't respect you enough to really hear what you say.
You owe her no explanation. No reasoning. No compromises. Is it easier said than done?? Damn straight but when this is eventually sorted, you'll have no regrets on the matter. You don't want her over today?? Say no. Nothing else, you don't owe her an apology for it and you certainly don't need to explain why. Ignore the crocodile tears, she'll throw them in at every chance because they work. Remember, she doesn't have your interests, your LO's interests or even your OH's interest at heart. She genuinely doesn't care if you're upset, provided she gets her way.
Slam your foot down on this matter, it isn't up for debate. She's had her children, the fact she never had a daughter and maybe that's why she's so clingy to LO?? Bollocks. A load of old codswollop. Loads of women who never get the daughter they long for never even toe the line. My MIL for example ALWAYS wanted a daughter, got 4 sons instead. Two of OH's brothers have daughters and we have one on the way. She doesn't push, force or ever try anything. She sees them on the parents timing and never complains. She spoils them in the way a grandmother would. You don't owe her your daughter because she wanted one. This may be rude, but tough tits on that. You have healthy children, it's not like you were really robbed.
Put your foot down with OH aswell. He has no right to dictate who you answer the door to. She is welcome on YOUR terms. And LO is only one, she won't be emotionally scarred if she doesn't go back to MIL when she cries. Take her away, calm her down, she'll be fine. MIL follows?? Tell her she can either leave the room or your home. That is the ONLY choice she gets. She doesn't get to take LO out, she doesn't EVER take her away from family. Stand up for yourself on this even more, she's too ignorant to listen to your hints. If she distracts LO when she's with someone else, tell her to stop. Or tell her to leave. This is your turf, your rules. No one elses. 
And most importantly, have confidence in yourself. I promise you, you seem like an amazing woman with the patience at tact of a saint. And you have come so far on the subject, everyone on this is very proud of you. Now go kick some ass, for you and your daughter :flower:


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## katlin

Hun you might not like this but I'm going to be blunt. You need to grow a pair of damn balls and do what's right for your childs mental wellbeing. This us not ok you need to be frank with your oh and tell him this is not happening anymore your baby needs to come above what everyone else thinks is ok. Do your little girl a solid and get things straightened out because even though this is hurting you and your mom its really hurting your daughter more. I personally think her seeing her twice a week is crazy my parents see my kids every two weeks for a few hours the only time any grandparent has had either of them overnight was when I was in labor with my daughter. Nip this in the arse hun because you don't want regrets


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## Bubblefish

Well I have an update.

We went over to mils straight after oh got in from work, left LO with my mum!

Mil knew we were coming as oh had text her at luch time to see if she would be in. Asoon as we got there she was like 'wheres LO?' I said my mum has her and you could tell by the look on her face she was not happy! This kinda made me smile...naughty me lol.

Anyway she complained a little saying she thought shed be here etc and oh said to her weve came to talk. She looked confused and was like eh about what? Oh then went quiet!! So I told her this can't go on, this whole situation is shit and I'm not having this for MY daughter anymore, well she played dumb of course so I started with asking her about Christmas when she kept distracting LO from my family and wanting her for herself! She said she didn't mean to and that she just likes to spend as much time as possible with LO as she misses her! I said well how dya think my mum feels?? The time she gets to spend with her you're there taking over and not letting her get near LO! She started getting upset saying that she tries to include my mum asmuch as possible? And said that apparantly my mum sees LO more anyway! No way! Anyway oh said that he also had noticed mil distracting los attention and mils excuse was 'I honestly don't mean to, I didn't even no I was doing it I swear! I just love LO so much I just want to make the most of the time I have with her that's all' so yeh we discussed a few things got loads of excuses and then went onto her coming over all the time and told her it has to stop as I want more time with LO on my own and she said but you see her all the time, how is a fe hours every couple of days gonna do any harm, you have her for the rest of the day? I told her you don't just stay a few hours you stay the whole bluddy day!! Apparantly she only plans to stay a few hrs but finds it hard to leave LO as she has so much fun being around her! Anyway I told her she can see LO once a week as I have plans to get out the house more etc as I don't just sit in all day! She got really upset by this saying what kind of dil won't let their mil see their grandchild and started going on about others seing their grandchild every day, other day, weekend etc etc. I told her she either takes it or leaves it. So anyway when we eventually left oh was upset and I don't think mil is speaking to either of us now but god I feel gooooooood :happydance:


ETA..Thankyou so much everyone for all this fantastic advice, there is no way I would have had the confidence to do this if it wasn't for all you great ladies, so I really mean it when I say THANKYOU!!


----------



## Fruitmash

Bubblefish said:


> Well I have an update.
> 
> We went over to mils straight after oh got in from work, left LO with my mum!
> 
> Mil knew we were coming as oh had text her at luch time to see if she would be in. Asoon as we got there she was like 'wheres LO?' I said my mum has her and you could tell by the look on her face she was not happy! This kinda made me smile...naughty me lol.
> 
> Anyway she complained a little saying she thought shed be here etc and oh said to her weve came to talk. She looked confused and was like eh about what? Oh then went quiet!! So I told her this can't go on, this whole situation is shit and I'm not having this for MY daughter anymore, well she played dumb of course so I started with asking her about Christmas when she kept distracting LO from my family and wanting her for herself! She said she didn't mean to and that she just likes to spend as much time as possible with LO as she misses her! I said well how dya think my mum feels?? The time she gets to spend with her you're there taking over and not letting her get near LO! She started getting upset saying that she tries to include my mum asmuch as possible? And said that apparantly my mum sees LO more anyway! No way! Anyway oh said that he also had noticed mil distracting los attention and mils excuse was 'I honestly don't mean to, I didn't even no I was doing it I swear! I just love LO so much I just want to make the most of the time I have with her that's all' so yeh we discussed a few things got loads of excuses and then went onto her coming over all the time and told her it has to stop as I want more time with LO on my own and she said but you see her all the time, how is a fe hours every couple of days gonna do any harm, you have her for the rest of the day? I told her you don't just stay a few hours you stay the whole bluddy day!! Apparantly she only plans to stay a few hrs but finds it hard to leave LO as she has so much fun being around her! Anyway I told her she can see LO once a week as I have plans to get out the house more etc as I don't just sit in all day! She got really upset by this saying what kind of dil won't let their mil see their grandchild and started going on about others seing their grandchild every day, other day, weekend etc etc. I told her she either takes it or leaves it. So anyway when we eventually left oh was upset and I don't think mil is speaking to either of us now but god I feel gooooooood :happydance:

Oh my god I could hug you!! What progress!! You really stood your ground, had OH on your side and walked away when she made out she was the victim (my arse)!! Just remember she'll be trying it on again, but I have no doubt in my mind that you're stronger than her in every sense of the word. And just to say, once a week, a few hours is PLENTY of time. In no way is she hard done by, don't let anyone make you feel like you're in the wrong. You may not be being her ideal DIL (who lets the wierdo steal her baby) but you ARE being a magnificent mum, showing your daughter what real strength is. Which is standing up for what is right no matter who or what tries to push you back down. LO is very lucky to have you. If I'm honest, you're reminding me of my mum and that woman is my hero.


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## broodyc

I've been reading this thread from the start n I have to say GO YOU!!!! I'm so glad you hav OH's support on this and he visited with u last night!! That's amazing and lets hope ur MIL gets the hint now xx


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## mummytori

woooohoooooooo well done bubblefish!!! :happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:


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## pandacub

Just caught up with this thread but yay for standing up to her :) did she accept the new terms and conditions or do you think she'll snap back to her old ways? 

Youve been more than fair to her. If it were me, i think shed be banned from my house by this point & id be taking LO over to hers on predetermind days.


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## BabyBoo36

Well done you!!!! xxx


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## Bubblefish

Fruitmash said:


> Bubblefish said:
> 
> 
> Well I have an update.
> 
> We went over to mils straight after oh got in from work, left LO with my mum!
> 
> Mil knew we were coming as oh had text her at luch time to see if she would be in. Asoon as we got there she was like 'wheres LO?' I said my mum has her and you could tell by the look on her face she was not happy! This kinda made me smile...naughty me lol.
> 
> Anyway she complained a little saying she thought shed be here etc and oh said to her weve came to talk. She looked confused and was like eh about what? Oh then went quiet!! So I told her this can't go on, this whole situation is shit and I'm not having this for MY daughter anymore, well she played dumb of course so I started with asking her about Christmas when she kept distracting LO from my family and wanting her for herself! She said she didn't mean to and that she just likes to spend as much time as possible with LO as she misses her! I said well how dya think my mum feels?? The time she gets to spend with her you're there taking over and not letting her get near LO! She started getting upset saying that she tries to include my mum asmuch as possible? And said that apparantly my mum sees LO more anyway! No way! Anyway oh said that he also had noticed mil distracting los attention and mils excuse was 'I honestly don't mean to, I didn't even no I was doing it I swear! I just love LO so much I just want to make the most of the time I have with her that's all' so yeh we discussed a few things got loads of excuses and then went onto her coming over all the time and told her it has to stop as I want more time with LO on my own and she said but you see her all the time, how is a fe hours every couple of days gonna do any harm, you have her for the rest of the day? I told her you don't just stay a few hours you stay the whole bluddy day!! Apparantly she only plans to stay a few hrs but finds it hard to leave LO as she has so much fun being around her! Anyway I told her she can see LO once a week as I have plans to get out the house more etc as I don't just sit in all day! She got really upset by this saying what kind of dil won't let their mil see their grandchild and started going on about others seing their grandchild every day, other day, weekend etc etc. I told her she either takes it or leaves it. So anyway when we eventually left oh was upset and I don't think mil is speaking to either of us now but god I feel gooooooood :happydance:
> 
> Oh my god I could hug you!! What progress!! You really stood your ground, had OH on your side and walked away when she made out she was the victim (my arse)!! Just remember she'll be trying it on again, but I have no doubt in my mind that you're stronger than her in every sense of the word. And just to say, once a week, a few hours is PLENTY of time. In no way is she hard done by, don't let anyone make you feel like you're in the wrong. You may not be being her ideal DIL (who lets the wierdo steal her baby) but you ARE being a magnificent mum, showing your daughter what real strength is. Which is standing up for what is right no matter who or what tries to push you back down. LO is very lucky to have you. If I'm honest, you're reminding me of my mum and that woman is my hero.Click to expand...

Aww Thankyou hun :hugs:


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## spacegirl

Damn you've got balls! I really hope you can now feel less invaded and enjoy your time with LO xxx


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## krissy1984

Been reading this through and just wanted to say well done Xx


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## MrsPOP

First off....WELL DONE! I think all of us Baby Clubbers will be clapping and cheering when they read the latest update. GOOD FOR YOU!



> then went onto her coming over all the time and told her it has to stop as I want more time with LO on my own and she said *but you see her all the time*, how is a fe hours every couple of days gonna do any harm, *you have her for the rest of the day*?

This is exactly why you had to do what you've done. If you have any doubts (which you shouldnt) about whats happened remember this bit. This is just like how she said to you that LO was 'her baby too'. The woman is frigging mental and clearly thinks you were just the incubator for 'her child'/grandchild. Fancy complaining because you dare get to see your own daughter 'all the time'??!!!!!!!!!!!! 




> She got really upset by this saying *what kind of dil won't let their mil see their grandchild*

Probably the kind who has been lovely and accomodating of all your crazy MIL-zilla antics and has been nice in the past to try and get you to calm the f**k down and you've just been a manipulative douchebag so she's had to resort to telling you straight!


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## caz_hills

Been lurking on this thread and really feel for you. I am sooooooooo impressed, you have done amazingly I can't believe it. I wouldn't have had the guts but you sooooo did te right thing. Hope it all gets better hun xxx


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## LannieDuck

Brilliant, well done :)


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## lisaf

I actually chuckled to myself with glee over the confrontation and how well you did! I'm now tearing up a little because I'm just so darned happy for you!!

I love how she claims you're not letting her see LO!! Ummm, yes you are, you're just limiting the amount of time to an acceptable limit :haha: She's mental!! Lol!

I'm sure I said it before, but my inlaws adore my son and can never seem to get enough of him, watch him for me for 8 hours 2 days a week and complain that they 'only' get to see him twice a week etc...BUT... its mostly a desire on their part, they don't push themselves on me etc (maybe because I don't let them? :haha:). Honestly, what it comes down to with my inlaws is that they have very little else going on in their lives and have some struggles they're dealing with so he's a source of joy for them. On occasion I accomodate them to my own detriment and always regret it.. (when I do give in, its to give in to my OH's requests... he takes my side 100% of the time in front of them, but sometimes wants to make them happy too and asks me to give in on some stuff and for the sake of our marriage, I occasionally give in but don't let it become a regular thing).
My inlaws care about my feelings too though, so they are by no far as pushy or selfish as your MIL has been.

Stand your ground! :) And maybe suggest some other activities she can do to fill her time, lol!


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## tommyg

Brilliant well done confronting her and getting DH on your side. I will be watching to see what her next move will be. I'm sure she'll be ploting and schemeing her next move.


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## Bex84

well done you, I'm impressed. I hope she leaves you alone more now


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## Mum22GTTC

YAY!! :happydance:

Well done you! You did amazing, you've done the hard part now! 

Just stick to your guns & you've got nothing to worry about & do not ever doubt yourself. A few hours once a week is loads & most grandparents would be grateful of that! 

On a side note, some of the things she said reminded me of my in-laws again, I once had "they (as in my kids) are not just for your enjoyment you know" WTF!! :wacko:

These in-laws can be freaky people, it takes a strong a lady like *you* to keep them in check! :hugs:


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## wishingonastar

Well done!!! You should feel really proud of yourself for taking action to protect your relationship with your daughter. I'm so glad you also had your OHs support.

Unfortunately I don't think this will be entirely the end but I think she will now realise you're not just gonna sit back and take her crap :happydance:


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## AmethystDream

I am chuffed to bits for you Hun! I'm actually really surprised that OH went to see her with you, although he did go quiet on you. Try to be extra attentive to him, it was something he really needed to do but it must have been really hard.

One thing to keep in mind, she won't leave this as it is. She will strop like a child, cry to OH and play victim to anyone who will listen. Don't expect her to just accept this, she will fight you every step of the way. Just stay strong. 

You must feel like a weight has been lifted! Go you! :happydance:


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## MommynWaiting

Great job!! You've handled a tough situation with grace and tactfulness. The tough part, though, might lie ahead, however - the reinforcement of your words. She's learned from past behaviors that she can push you, coerce you, manipulate you, etc. to fold into her demands with her "woah is me" persona. She's very skilled in using the, "but it's because of my love" approach. Whatever you do - do not BEND on the rules that you've established with her. Where she sees inconsistency - she sees opportunity! Don't let your guard down for a second!

Again, GREAT, GREAT JOB!


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## Cee108

Yay, Bubblefish! And well done, you for getting your OH to go with you. I agree with AmethystDream - give him a little extra loving because even though it had to be done, if he's as in awe of his mum as you told us, it must've been hard for him to sort out his priorities. Be vocal about all the positive experiences you have each day alone with your LO and he'll constantly be reminded of why this is a good change and he'll be secure against your MIL trying to push her way back via him (I don't doubt she'll try that) And GAH @ the gall of suggesting you are being unfair because you spend the 'most' time with LO!

Once again, great, tactful handling of the situation. You have a real big heart that you're being fair to her and letting her see her grandchild - if it were a tobasco-tempered person like me, she would've never seen LO again. 

Wish you good health n happiness xx


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## MizzDeeDee

YAY! Good job!


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## Betheney

well done bubblefish i'm so very proud!


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## stardust599

Yay! Well done, so proud of you!

Now stick to it lady. Once a week means once a week! And if she comes over and stays for hours you are going to have to get tough again and tell her it's time to go.

"Right, we've got loads to do so will see you again next week. Thanks for coming over. Bye"

It might sound rude but it has to be, it's the only way you're getting rid of her! And if you stick to it, in time it will pass and become easier and more normal for all of you.

You are doing the right thing, especially for your LO xx


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## Bubblefish

Thanks everyone  I am still feeling positive today although oh was quiet with me last night and this morning. He did say last night though that he agrees the situation needed to be sorted! Not heard a thing from mil so far, so I presume we are getting the silent treatment lol, oh well suits me fine hehe  xx


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## 2ndtimeluckyX

Hi

I've just been reading through your thread and just wanted to say I sort of know what your going through!

My sister had the same problems as you. She even caught her MIL pretending to be her lo's mum to a stranger in the supermarket!! Crazy!

She also had the same problems with her taking over and distracting lo's attention. She wouldn't leave until lo was crying for her, she would make a big deal about leaving and would love the fact that lo cried for her!!

It drove me mad and it wasn't even my baby!

Her oh was exactly the same as yours too and would just not have anything bad said about his mother until one day when her saw her playing mummy too.

My sis got pregnant again really quickly and when baby number 2 came along mil still favoured her first lo so she told mil she could have the lo's one day a week and she can't take one without the other.

4 years later she still has them one day a week and takes them to the caravan a few weekends a year and it's great, they have a proper grandparent/child relationship now but it didn't happen until she put her foot down with her. But it is hard, it took her about a year too!


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## babyloulou

Well done Bubblefish :happydance: You handled it brilliantly!! :thumbup:

She is definitely going to try and use your OH to turn things back around. If I was you I would just raise that to him, without saying anything nasty, just say "you do realise that your mum is going to start guilt tripping you now to get us to change our minds?" and see what he says. It will raisethe issue in his own head so he can recognise what's she's doing when she starts it xx


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## AP

Wel done hunny! Fabulous progress. And you didn't even back down.
Every day, even just an hour a day, would be too much. You just can't live your lives like that. She had her day.

Stand your ground and do not back down from one day a week. If you back down at all, you will be allowing her back in on her terms

She needs to get a puppy or something :grr:


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## Palestrina

Well done! It's not surprising that she'd try the old "Who me???" and "But I love LO sooooooo much!" and "but all the other grandmothers get to see their LOs all day every day" crap. Just tell her that LO needs her love, but just as importantly she needs her grandmother to respect her mother and all the other people that love her. Seriously now, you've wasted enough of your headspace with this woman, enjoy your life!

And be careful, you mil might act like a child but she is very conniving. She has already scoped out your biggest weakness.... she knows full well that your OH was silent that day so watch out, she'll get to him first chance she gets.


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## lisaf

Yeah, I agree with being the look out on some OH pressure from MIL. And of course he doesn't want to 'hurt' his mom but he needs to place his family unit, his child and wife ahead of his mother. You are not being unreasonable, she is.. just keep chanting that to yourself whenever the pressure gets on! :)


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## emzul

Phew, finally read the whole thing, its been like a horror novel, your MIL being the weirdo lurking in the darkness!!! I must say a HUGE well done to you Bubblefish, how you have gone this long without bitch-slapping this psycho is amazing! LOL 

I have to agree though, she definately will not let this lie. She will turn on the waterworks to your DH, she will ring/drop by etc but dont back down, you have done fantastically well, and mainly on your own too! 

I would even suggest her 1 day a week is a meeting on mutual territory (park/coffee shop etc) that way you can leave when YOU want, not when she decides, and this way she cant act like a mentalist because she is in a public place! 

Can I also add, there is NO WAY your daughter loves her more than you.... you mentioned that when she took her out once (and didnt get what she "had planned" done) shopping, she bought her toys... if this is a regular thing then its no suprise your LO cries when "fun" (albeit mental!!) nanny leaves..... she is clearly trying to buy your daughters affections. I hope she FINALLY realises that her behaviour is not normal, and if she really loved your LO she wouldnt use her as a weapon to get one over on you (although I fear this may not happen.... you may need to give her the aforementioned bitchslap! LOL) 

Your LO is a human child, she is NOT a toy, a fashion accessory or something to fill her spare time with, perhaps when her birthday rolls around (if you havent murderded her by then,.... although that WOULD be a cool ending to the horror story! LOL) you and DH could buy her a years subscription to Knitting Weekly... or Quality Quilting.... then she will have something else to fill her seemingly endless free time!!! 

Again, well done, you have done fab and you really DO have the patience of a saint!!! 

xxxxxxx


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## Bubblefish

Thankyou everyone :hugs: 

Well still not heard a thing from her!

Which I'm really surprised about as really thought she'd have alteast been on the phone to oh by now!

Got to say though, the peace is greatttt :-D had a lovely day with LO today, we played all day long and then went for a nice walk this afternoon (LO in pushchair of course as it was freezing lol!) without the worry of being interrupted by a knock on the door! Xx


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## AP

Ahhh that's made me smile! Glad you had a great day!


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## tommyg

Glad you had a good day at long last. 
I think the meeting in nutral territory might be the way to go. I have a feeling she's waiting for the next time she is allowed round to start putting pressure on you or she'll be bad mouthing you to her friends.


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## linzylinz

:thumbup:
nice to see you sounding happy rather than down about mil it proves just even a day without the pressure of her has picked you up. bet you both had great fun x


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## Lawhra

That's brilliant well done!!
I'm so glad that you have OH's support and hope she doesn't manipulate him.
She better behave now!


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## kissesandhugs

Read the whole thread, brilliant!!! Soooo happy that you could stand up to her hopefully it knocks some sense in her!!


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## MikaylasMummy

Omg now I feel dumb!!i commented on like page 35 not realizing there were so many comments!!i change my stance due to reading all pages!!she is a crazy psyco path and I am SO glad you have pushed the matter to where u are now.well done!


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## AmethystDream

Enjoy your peace and quiet, babe :thumbup:


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## LannieDuck

Just wondering how it's been going? Has MIL been behaving herself since your chat?


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## Betheney

Oh yes I'd love an update


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## Betheney

updaaaaaaaates?


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## Emma&Freya

Just read all this, any update?


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## londonangel

I've only just seen your thread, but well done you! My daughter's grandparents all live a long way away so they're lucky to see her once a month in my parents' case and her other grandpa has only seen her a few times as he works in another country (her nanny has been able to come over a few times to see her). If they lived close I'd be perfectly happy for them to see her once a week or to come over a couple of times if it was just for a couple of hours, but no way would I want someone else parenting mine and my husband's child. That's soul-destroying. I remember how broken I felt when my MIL (who is really nice - not a horrible MIL in any way) gave Eleanor a bottle of expressed milk when she was five days old (I was having trouble with the breastfeeding at the beginning and dr said I would have to express) and I was crying about it as my DH told his mum she could feed her without realising it would upset me. Actually, nobody but me or DH has fed Eleanor since!


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## Kristin52

holy crap! I would've slapped the 2 brain cells she had out of her. 
read through the whole thing! and congrats to you for standing up for yourself! 


would LOVE an update.


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## Amethyste

I would start by having a proper talk with OH about limiting your MIL's visits. Then I would ban MIL to come to doc appointments. You def have to stand up or it is not gonna get better (i know easier to say particularly with MIL). Go but don't tell her about going to baby groups either.

Edit : just read the update, you did great. I am sure your MIL will come around soon anyway ;)


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## Honeypot

I've just read this thread, wow. I can say I feel for you, and my MIL is nuts also. Feel free to PM me because I understand. My MIL does it to me too!


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