# break up after miscarriage... anyone been/going through this?



## skyesmom

i've lost my angel almost a year ago... 
when we found out we were pregnant, my boyfriend and i were both overjoyed and felt blessed to have conceived at the first try, the things just seemed to have magically fallen into place... ignorance is blessed sometimes.
he came up with a name for our son the first night when we had those two lines. we lost the baby too early to know the sex, but both of us just knew without any doubt it was a boy ever since the tww :)
and those pregnant weeks were the happiest times of our lives... we felt complete, and were literally enjoying every day of this magical change that was happening in our lives. how it was changing us a couple, how it was changing my body, how it was changing him... we were really spoiling each other in every way :) but then it all turned into hell. 
first a little spotting and then heavy bleeding, a hospital visit where i was held for a d&c as it was an incomplete miscarriage.
no answers whatsoever about why it has happened, very little info from hospital staff on how it could affect us... the only thing we've got from them and my ob/gyn was to absolutely wait for three months at least before ttc again, due to the d&c and how long it was taking my body to recover.

he wanted to conceive again as soon as possible, but as the time passed by and these bummer responses from doctors regarding ttc, it all started crumbling down. our families and friends were of little support as they didn't know what to say and just tried to brush it off or not mention anything in order not to say something wrong... meaning we were lost and abandoned to ourselves and none of us could cope well actually. i went into depression, he closed down completely. after a while he started behaving as if we never spoke about having a baby at all.

months later, even after we were free to ttc again, he would say one thing regarding the baby one week, and deny or contradict it the next one... he'd hope we would get pregnant one day, and dread it the next day. 
he even managed to tell me once he never wanted the baby or me at all. i can't explain the pain those words did to me. two weeks after that he denied he ever said something like that, he even got upset with me because i could say and think something so horrible of him as a person; that he would never use those cruel words with anybody. and yet HE DID with me. it's not a thing i could ever forget or invent or whatever...

...at a certain point i couldn't manage all this escapism of his, doing things with with half-ass and half-heart, lying to himself and to me, telling different versions of the story to different people all the time, and i just left. i also found out he had some affairs in the meantime, but these were not what hurt me the most or made me leave. i know where this necessity and urge came from, and i know how little care there was in him for himself or any of these women.

...the fact is i still love him to this day. and i just can't look into my future and see no chance or hope for a family with him one day. the dream we had was so beautiful, and it wasn't just a dream: our baby was there, it was real, our wish was coming true, but got interrupted on the way by something that wasn't his will or mine.

losing our son was the most devastating experience of my life, losing this relationship in particular follows on that sad list, because they're connected. how can anyone rebuild a life when longing for something like this? it is just so ironic how something so basic, so common like having a healthy child with a man i've chose, turns out to be the biggest blessing ever, so big it almost seems unreachable after you've been through this...:cry:

there are many things i love about my life and that i should be grateful for, my job, my family, my friends, but when i compare them to what i've lost it all just crumbles down... i just want them both back.


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## skyesmom

anyone?


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## elleff

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through the mc and I know how devastating it is, I really do. As for your partner, he is clearly hurting too but taking it out on you is unacceptable and if he is not going to share your pain in a constructive and comforting way, you need to decide if he is the right person for you.
I hope things work out for the better for you soon, I'm so sorry :hugs:


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## skyesmom

thanks dear...
...it's just too much rain sometimes, even when you do your best to move on and find some reasons.


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## meli1981

so sorry youre going through this:-( losing your baby was enough. i know during my miscarriage was a tricky time for my husband and i. he just didnt know how to react or how to comfort me. we almost seperated. dont lose hope you will find a great partner someday, and have the family you deserve


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## skyesmom

thank you dear... i am so happy that you and your husband managed to survive and find a common ground. it is really the worst a man and woman can go through, and grief does weird things to people.
when i was at my worst he wanted to help but he just couldn't do anything to help me (ie. when i got my 1st period post d&c and spent 4 days between toilet and bed bleeding like i never did in my life), and felt so helpless and with his hands tied.. after a while he'd get pissed and leave... and then come back and apologize and so on..

...i wish one day we would re-meet in the future when we're both healed.. this would be my dream come true as i still love him... but who knows what life will bring...


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## meli1981

my husband hates hospitals, and was very distant while i was laidout hemmorraging. but oddly enough my best memory of the mc was of him sitting beside my hospital bed reading me pages from the book he was reading, i guess it was his way of being there for me i really dont know how we got through it, i went through a huge deoression that lasted for four years, infact i still take antianxiety meds. i got help for my issues and it really helped our relationship. he didnt know how to deal with depressiin so i was pretty on my own with that as well. we now are celebrating our ninth wedding anniversary in march and are expecting our third baby in june things will work out hun, you just have to grieve and deal with yourself, before you can be anything to anyone else. youre the one that matters! if you need to pm me to talk about mc or depressiin, feel free


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## butterfly_x

I am sorry you are going through this, I can relate somewhat to what you have said. 
When I lost our baby in Jan, although only 5 weeks - I was devastated. My husband and I fell apart too. He acted the complete opposite to me, he was very matter of fact about everything. Turns out it was just hes way of coping. We expect people to react the same we do, and when they dont we feel they dont care. I am not disregarding what your partner has done/said, but he lost a baby too. Hes way of coping is to be the way he is, rightly or wrongly. We managed to get through it by simply talking and talking. It took me to walk out the house, intent of leaving for good for him to take it seriously. Its tough on both of you. I feel for you deeply. I found the more positive I was with him, the more he opened up about his feelings. Have you tried writing a letter to him? Sounds soppy but pouring your heart out in a letter might be the best way for him to hear your feelings. I wish you all the luck and love in this difficult time. xx


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## skyesmom

butterfly_x said:


> I am not disregarding what your partner has done/said, but he lost a baby too. Hes way of coping is to be the way he is, rightly or wrongly. We managed to get through it by simply talking and talking. It took me to walk out the house, intent of leaving for good for him to take it seriously. Its tough on both of you. I feel for you deeply. I found the more positive I was with him, the more he opened up about his feelings.

thank you so much for writing this. i know he is as lost as i am, and that grief can make you do things that hurt people that you don't wish to hurt actually. i was very very patient with him, even when he had those affairs or ignored the whole subject and avoided any mentioning of the baby for a couple of months.

six months after the loss and over two months of complete avoiding the subject, i did tell him very openly that i really need a talk, and he told me he is not ready to talk about it yet. i understood his point and his pain, and the fact it was beyond his limits to face it, but on the other hand, it was beyond my own limits to wait any longer without speaking an honest word. and sometimes i have forced him into some kind of conversation on the topic (very kindly though, i would just start talking, no drama, attacks or shouting), and every time i did, he would say horrible or contradictory things which did in fact made me believe he never cared about the baby... and you are so right on this. it was exactly these words and reactions that convinced me he never cared, because they have hurt me so much on a deeper level.

and despite the fact i know he did care about us, right now i have to convince and remind myself of that. 
i walked out of our house and moved away in hope he will take it seriously and think of things, just like i am doing now. i still love him and don't think he's an asshole or something... i feel like as if we had to lose each other to find ourselves again. and this is the toughest part i guess.
i'm not clear enough to write him a letter yet, but sooner or later i might do that.
friends (also common friends) say not to hope or wait for his return, just to forget about him and move on, which i find quite insensitive as the bond we share will stay forever, he's the father of my baby i will never forget and will always love him for giving me the biggest joy of my life, even for a little bit. 

i always have to remind everyone around that this is not a kind of relationship you have when you're 16, you leave someone and hope he'll come back to you out of power games or your own misery in which you'll sit until he's back and jump back in his arms. yes, i left, and i will rebuild myself in the meantime even though it will take ages.. but forgetting him and living without any hope things may sort out between us... no way.


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## Sweetkat

Why don't you try talking to him now? How long has it been since the break up? It sounds like he is hurting and so saying horrible hurtful things to you!


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## butterfly_x

skyesmom said:


> butterfly_x said:
> 
> 
> I am not disregarding what your partner has done/said, but he lost a baby too. Hes way of coping is to be the way he is, rightly or wrongly. We managed to get through it by simply talking and talking. It took me to walk out the house, intent of leaving for good for him to take it seriously. Its tough on both of you. I feel for you deeply. I found the more positive I was with him, the more he opened up about his feelings.
> 
> thank you so much for writing this. i know he is as lost as i am, and that grief can make you do things that hurt people that you don't wish to hurt actually. i was very very patient with him, even when he had those affairs or ignored the whole subject and avoided any mentioning of the baby for a couple of months.Click to expand...

I am very sorry, I must have overlooked that part about the affairs. I think that part, in my opinion to be unforgiving, but that is always easy to say when you are not walking in said persons shoes. Its a tough situation you are in, but only you know what is right for you. Everyone will have their opinion, but ultimately they are not part of your relationship. I am always here to talk if you need it. :hugs:


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## skyesmom

thank you dear! :) 
yes affairs are a tough thing to deal with, but ultimately those people were just random people and are way less important to me and to him then our inner dynamics... 

...your words: "remember he lost a baby too" really brought me a lot of comfort, because it is like that. and i completely forgot about it under all the burden of miscommunication, distancing and pain. actually, it is the most important thing that counts: our baby, both for him and for me, even though we faced our individual grieves completely differently.

it was one of the things that was hurting me the most, this conviction he never cared... but you've helped me refocus and reconsider some things more objectively and you're absolutely right. he did care, much more then i gave him credit for, due to his behavior. 
this doesn't make him right for things he's done, but it puts me in peace regarding his feelings for our baby Skyler, who deserves all the love in this world.

i remembered how much Skyler was wanted and wished for, before the things went down, by both of us, and that was a huge relief.


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## BaniVani

Hello Dear Forum Friend,
So sorry to hear about your loss. I'm going through a MC right now and it's been painful and saddening. I can't imagine going through a MC and not having the needed support from the father. You must have suffered terribly. Some men are really bad about dealing with delicate issues. Just remember that it's okay to grieve. I've had moments were I thought there was something wrong with me or that I'd never be happy or normal--no such thing as being normal ;) Grieving is a natural process and allow yourself to be sad.

Only you know what's best for you. If he comes around and shows that he wants to be the man who will cherish you for the rest of your life, I hope that happens soon. If not, there's somebody out there for you! He's waiting for you to find him-or he may just find you when you least expect it! This will be the person that's going to love and respect you the way you deserve. 

It's sad to love a man that doesn't love you back or doesn't know how to love you in return. I went through this a few times in my life. It was very difficult but I found that with the last heartbreak, I really began to fight for my happiness. A dear relative of mine once told me,"You'll know when you've met the man of your life because you'll feel a great sense of peace." It's so true! Life will give you so many challenges especially with children and it's important to have the right person to stand by your side. When I started dating my now husband, my EX would call me wanting me back with tears in his voice. He had cheated on me as well. I still remember thinking, this was a man that I dated for only three years and when we broke up, he was willing to let me walk out of his life so easily. I stayed strong even though my heart wanted him again. I'm so glad I had the courage to open my heart to someone else. 
I've been through so many challenges with my husband but each time, it has always been easy to reconcile. It just works. With my ex, I always felt that there was something missing.

Now again, if this is the man that you want to return to you. I hope he shows you with action how much you mean to him. 

You'll always have that bond with the father of your first baby and it's normal. If it doesn't work out with him dear, which this may happen....You are going to have a beautiful,stronger, and exciting bond with that right man that will cherish you and the family you'll create! Sending you warm wishes, and the best of luck with a relationship with him or someone new...your heart will heal with time and I hope that you have some good girlfriends that are giving you the support you need without critique!


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## skyesmom

Dear BaniVani,

thank you so so much for taking time to write all this, and for your understanding. 
me and my ex had a beautiful relationship before the loss. when we decided to have a baby together, it was very spontaneous, he came up with it and it just felt as if all the pieces of the puzzle fell into the right place.

his attitude changed drastically few weeks after the loss, more or less when i came back from the follow up visit and my (quite insensitive) ob/gyn just brushed us off with: it happens to everybody, everything was ok with the baby, so is with you two, what are you so upset about it happens all the time... but wait for at least another 2 months before ttc.
..there was something in this moment of having no answers that broke something inside of him. i don't wanna excuse him for all his behaviors, but i do understand. i myself wished so many times i could just run away from everything, but of course the body is mine and i can't run anywhere, so i didn't. he fell for the illusion that he could run away, though.

while a part of me wants to believe that maybe there is someone else out there for me, whenever i think of that, of someone looking for me out there, i just think of how it was when me and him met - i was alone for a while, about a year and a half-two and i felt i was really looking for Him... and i also felt he was there, somewhere physically very very close to me. which was funny as i have moved a lot that year and never had that feeling before.
i remember telling a friend of mine: i think he's right around the corner... and then some weeks later we literally ran onto each other in a supermarket around the corner from where we both lived - we both recently moved in in that neighborhood, and it was one of those moments where we both knew - ok, it is you and something big is gonna happen here.

so whenever i think of that kind of magic, i can't imagine any other soul out there but this one. which makes things harder but who knows... maybe time will change the things. but to be honest, whenever i write something like that - i realize i don't want the time to change the things in that direction. i don't want to open my heart to other people because i couldn't care less about them. i'd rather have a happy new beginning with him, where he'd heal from his wounds, especially from the self-inflicted ones, accept his responsibilities and come back and show me with actions and words that he has understood and worked on things.

i know i sound like a stubborn ox which doesn't wanna move from her position... i do have a positive attitude towards life, but i also have my dreams and wishes and i don't wanna give up on them so easily. 
and i am fully aware that if i start something new and he calls back crying i'd be back with him immediately. which also stops me from doing anything, as it doesn't feel sincere to my own feelings. 

thanks for being there for me, for your understanding and for your beautiful wishes, and especially as you said, for no critique - it is a real weight of the chest not having to dissect to somebody that despite everything you can still love and want someone - i've given up on holding on to ego and stupid pride just to appear strong and independent - right now i'm a loving fool, and well.. working on being happy again while being one.

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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