# Moving onto adoption after LTTTC



## Beckic

Hi everyone,

Thank god we have this new board - BnB has been such a support to me throught my LTTTC days - and it would be great to have that same support as I move on in my journey!

My DH and I have 'unexplained infertility' and we were lucky enough to get three free goes at IVF on the NHS. Unfortunately our third and final go failed back in March - and I had a review with my consultant this morning who said that unfortunately there is nothing else the NHS can now do for me. And so - after a lot of crying and heartache over the last four years we have come to the end of the TTC road - and whilst being 'unexplained' there is still a chance of a spontaneous pregnancy for us - seen as is hasnt ever happened in the last four year -we have decided to move onto adoption.

I have been to an adoption open evening for Hertfordshire and I now have a form to fill in which asks questions about why we want to adopt etc. Apparently on the strength of this letter someone will come out to interview me and my DH. Once we have had the interview, if they want to take us forward, we will be put on a waiting list to go on an introduciton to adoption course (currently the waitng lsit for this is 8 months). Once we have done the course and decide we still want to go ahead we then have to provide references which are checked out, along with our CRB checks. As long as the references and criminal checks are OK we then start going through home interviews and have to attend another more in depth course. Once we have gone through this we have to fill in a form 'F' whhc records everything we have learnt through our course and home studies and then the entire thing goes in front of a panel. This panel have the final say and they decide whether to approve us or not. Providing they approve us we then go on the adoption wiating lsit. Apparently you can be quite pro-active about getting matched with a child - using websites like bemyparent.com and Hertfordshire has child open evenings where they give you info about all the children waiting to be placed that you can reigster an interest in.
So - all in all - its going to be a long and hard process - but at least it has more certainty than the IVF we have just been through - and somehting I can have control over suits me down to the ground.

That said - at the moment I cant face filling in the form to get the process started. It has only been just over a month since our failure - and TBH the meeting today with my FS knocked me for six. I really felt that I was over it - but I started crying the minute i got to the hospital - just felt wierd going back to the palce where just a year ago when I strated treatment with them I thought that they were the answer to all my prayers - and yet here I am leaving with empty arms.
But - I know that today is just a set back - and that tomorrow i will wake up and it will be a little bit easier - and each day I will get stronger - until I can face filling in the form and can start to get excited about my new journey.

But in the meantime - I am so grateful for this baord - and was really hoping to find new buddies who are the same as me - still gieving for the lost hopes of their IVF, but trying to get excited about a new journey and wanting some support along the way.

bx x x x x:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## MissAma

I just wanted to pop by for a second, hope you don't mind and say that I am so very happy to see this section! It will likely be slow to take off but so was LTTTC at first.

Bec you are one of the strongest, most courageous and beautiful women on earth and your journey will be inspiring to all of us!

I love you uber much!

P.S. I realize this is not a diary, will there be a journal per se too?


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## FlowerFairy

I want to wish you all the best for your adoption journey xx


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## sun

Just wanted to wish you the very best of luck with your adoption journey! :hugs:

My parents were from the "spontaneous pregnancy" camp - after all TTC options failed (though there were less options then), they adopted me. 
A year later my brother was conceived naturally and totally unexpectedly!
We have been discussing adoption for our second so I am also glad this forum is up!

xx


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## Blue12

I am very excited for you for this journey. My brother went through failed ac and adopted 2 children. I think you are a hero for the information that this section will provide others and help them on their journey to parenthood. I know dh and I do not get free ivf in canada - so we may only go for 1 try - then we will be joining you on this journey.

I wish you the best in the world!! I can only begin to imagine how hard it must feel to take this step after ltttc, and fill out those forms right now. A saying that I tell myself all the time is "one step at a time, we must keep stepping".

Millions of hugs!!!!!!!


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## Damita

Good luck in your adoption journey :)


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## Cariad_bach

Hi hun,
Ive just read your post and altho ive nothing useful to add i just wanted to wish you luck.
I cant believe how long winded the adoption process is, i suppose it has to be but .. well it sounds so long winded!.
I cant imagine how hard it must be to fill in that first form, it must be like closing a door on 1 chapter of you life but opening a door to another.
Hope it all goes really well for you hun xxx


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## Karb

It must be so difficult to have to change your direction on having a child- I'm sure when you're ready there will be lots of support here- Good luck


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## catfromaus

wishing you all the best- I hope your dreams come true
xxx


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## helen1234

wishing you lots of luck on this next journey :hugs:


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## Farie

:hug:
Thinking of you


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## Babydance

You'll make a wonderful Mummy hun xx


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## Beckic

Thank you sooo much everyone for your lovely posts.
I am feeling so much better as each day goes by - and it really is starting to settle in now that I am going to be a Mum but its just going to take a bit longer than I had thought and in a different way - but its reassuring to know that I am going to get there eventually.
:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Vickie

:hugs: good luck in your adoption journey


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## Chris77

Aww hunni, all the best on your adoption journey! :hugs:


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## maz

Adoption is something I have always wanted to do. Although, I always saw it as an addition to my own biological children, and not as an alternative. Like you, I have unexplained subfertility, and have had 3 failed cycles of IVF so far. We will be going through our 4th treatment cycle in a few months, and if that doesn't work, I reckon we'll be starting the adoption process soon after that. I'm not sure I can continually justify spending the best part of £4500 for repeated failed IVF cycles, when the chances of success start reducing as each failed cycle passes.

Good luck Beckic. I really hope that the adoption process isn't too harsh, and you finally get to fulfil your dream of motherhood very soon.

xx


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## Dinoslass

Good luck with your adoption! We adopted three children as well.


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## fluffosaur

Sorry for bringing up an old thread but I just thought I should make a valid point - you'll need to wait around 6 months from the point of the last meeting with your consultant (the "we can't do anymore for you" meeting) before you can begin the adoption process.

This is simply because we understand that you will need time to grieve and be fully ready to embark upon the assessment. Adoption assessment is a long and very emotionally difficult process.

It's worth it in the end though - I've seen many couples who thought they'd never have kids become parents.


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## MissAma

Hmmm that strikes me as à totally artificial term for anyone to essentially be presumptious enough to decide there has to be grief over the loss of natural children and then to decide the length of this grief to be no more or less than 6 months. Feels very arogant of the system IMO and it could easily be avoided with proper psychological assessment.


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## fluffosaur

Well, the idea is that around 6 months is about the average amount of time (based on our professional experience) it takes for couples to completely give up trying to conceive naturally and to fully dedicate themselves to the adoption process.

We've had couples who come to us after say their third miscarriage or forth failed attempt at IVF and say 'yes we're ready' only for it to come out about 6 months into the adoption assessment that they really should have waited.

It's a completely arbitrary number as it'll be different for every couple but that's the average we've found that applies fairly universally. We can't psychologically assess every single couple who comes to us as the adoption assessment procedure is lengthly enough as it is - if we added another 2-3 months on the end it would last nearly a year and it's intensive enough already.


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## MissAma

Well it does last that, it lasts longer even. The length of the process should not be seen as the length of time invested by the authority to process papers, but the length of time that the couple have to wait till they have a baby in their hands. It doesn't last a year, it lasts far more, for some people it emotionally starts when they first find out they are infertile. That's why, IMO adding an arbitrary 6 months on top of it is cruel.

Years ago I was asked to counsel on several couples' eligibility and that was a throughout examination, no reason why that can't be done earlier in the process and allow for ample assessment of grief and emotional availability.

No worries, this is not directed at you but at the system.

Bekic, are you posting to update us about the process babe?


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## Beckic

When I went to the adoption open evening for Herts I was told that basically they come out to speak to you once they get your initial application form - and they talk to you about the IVF / whether you are ready etc.. and they make a decision then - and will either ask you to wait a further 6 months if they don't think you are ready or they proceed immediately.
They said they are quite pragmatic about it - and therefore if they feel you are ready they will get you on the road - but if not will reassess in 6 months - and I suppose could ask you to wait further after that.
So i dont think there is a set time restriction in my local authority - and TBH because there is about an 8 month waiting list to get onto the initial adoption information course - i suppose you will have waited long enough already!

AS it is - I just cant beleve that anyone fully gives up the idea of ever conceiving naturally.
I am 100% ready to go down the adoption route purely because I am so desperate to be a Mum and I see this as my only guaranteed way of achieving this and I want to get the ball rolling on this as soon as possible - but whislt I am not having treatment from the Dr anymore - it doesn't mean that I still don't monitor my cycles and drag DH into bed when I think I'm ovulating - or occasionally google 'soy insoflavones' ect...
No matter the length of time I am asked to wait I just dont see how I will ever fully be able to stop TTC naturally even whislt we are going through the adoptin process (althoguh we have to tell them we are using precautions) - because I just want a baby, whether its my own or adopted - I just want it ASAP.

But DH has now decided he isnt quite ready anyway - so we arent putting in our adoption applicaiton form until January now - so it will have been over 6 months - but TBH - I think a month agao I was so excited about moving onto adoption and felt so great and positive about life - but since then with DH now increasing waiting time til 2011 I actually feel depresed and miserable and down again - so actually I would have been in a better frame of mind to apply before!
the waiting is agony and the only thing that is going to put an end to the grief is new hope and a new journey - 6 months isn't going to make anything better - just add to the pain.....

B x :hugs::hugs:


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## CareBear

Beckic - I'm sorry OH wants to wait before putting in your application and making the waiting time longer, can I suggest something to try and put a positive spin on it? I don't know anything about your background or anything but when you have your initial visit you will be asked to gain experience of working with children like volunteering in a nursery or a prison creche or something and one of the references requested will be from the place you volunteer at. Might be worth looking at doing something like that so you will have loads of experience by the time you get to panel for your approval and would be seen as a real positive. Might help pass the time quicker as well and feel like you are working towards your goal in a little way. Just an idea and I hope you don't mind me mentioning it. Good luck for when you submit your application. Hope you found the evening interesting as well. Another positive I can give, I don't know if its like this in your area but in mine we are crying out for adopters and have a lot more children available than we do adopters therefore once you are approved it might not be such a long wait until you are matched with a child. Hope that gives a small comfort although I know it is a long process and you have my sympathies with this.


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## MissAma

CareBear that's a brilliant suggestion and such a constructive post!


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## Dinoslass

I can not understand the waiting time myself, but I know over here they also say that some countries expect you to now be trying for a biological child. We came into adoption another way, so it is all a bit strange for me. See, we did actually meet a child we wanted to adopt, so if we had to wait for anything it would have just meant her staying in an orphanage longer than necesary. 
I have always wanted both biological and adoptive children, it all went a bit different, but in my case the wait would have been unnecessary. Though in any case adoption is for the pateint ones as there is waiting to do at all stages. 

Anyway, I think it is really a great idea to volunteer! We get children over for the holidays, there might be prgrams like that over there too and this way you can actually care for a child for a while full time.


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## cath

Just wanted to wish you good luck on your journey :hugs: My MIL & FIL tried for years & couldnt get pregnant. They adopted a little girl & then went on to naturally concieve 3 healthy boys.


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## CareBear

> I can not understand the waiting time myself, but I know over here they also say that some countries expect you to now be trying for a biological child. We came into adoption another way, so it is all a bit strange for me. See, we did actually meet a child we wanted to adopt, so if we had to wait for anything it would have just meant her staying in an orphanage longer than necesary.
> I have always wanted both biological and adoptive children, it all went a bit different, but in my case the wait would have been unnecessary. Though in any case adoption is for the pateint ones as there is waiting to do at all stages.

In this country the reason it all takes a long time before being approved is beacuse of the number of checks that have to be done with the police and local authority and the fact that SW's can only have so many cases allocated at one time so there may be a wait until a social worker has capacity. Applicants also have to attend a four day prep course which are only run so many times a year and obviously people may not be able to get on the next available one due to prior commitments. Once all that is done there is the home assessment to be completed which is a pretty heafty report, references to take up and reports on these written. Then you have to try and get onto a panel and depending on how busy the local authority is depends on when a date is available. So lots to be done which all takes time although they try and get through each stage as effiently as possible.


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## Beckic

Thank you Carebear - voluntering somewhere was something I had thought about - and you are right - I should look into this now and use the time as a positive.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Chloe's mum02

I just wanted to wish you luck on your new exciting journey.... I'm sure all the waiting will be worth it in the end :thumbup:

Amy xx


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## fluffosaur

Beckic - The part of your post which says you would "tell them we're using precautions but won't be" really worries me. The adoption process is very thorough and eventually your social worker would be able to figure out that you hadn't been truthful with them. 

Of course, if you do conceive naturally during the adoption process and then miscarry it would be _incredibly difficult_ for you to then return to the adoption department and ask to restart your application. If it transpires that you were not truthful and were looking to adoption as a "backup" then the Panel would be far less likely to approve your application. If they'd even restart it at all given that you continued TTC naturally throughout the assessment. It just doesn't work like that. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's true.

We really do ask for *100% commitment* from couples who come to the adoption process. The children who are in the care system have been through enough already and need that dedication from you. It's really a small price to pay if you really are desperate to become a mum to one of them.

You say you don't believe anybody gives up on becoming a natural mother but in my experience, _they really do_. Being an adoptive mum and a natural mum are two very different things and maybe your OH is right in delaying the application a little longer. I'm not sure your view of the adoption process is quite in the right place at the moment, and so this extra bit of time might help you to formulate a more positive outlook on things. Have you considered grief counselling to help you to come to terms with your previous losses?

I wish you all the best. The adoption process is long, exhausting and difficult but it's all worth it in the end.


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## xMissxZoiex

Best of luck on your new journey! You will become the momma you deserve to be hunny weither it be through the Adoption Process or Spontaneous Pregnancy. Good Luck! x


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## MissAma

Wow, really no meaning to spark a conflict, maybe a good spirited debate at most but Fluffosaur, can you explain the rationale behind "why" it is that parents are meant to give up ever wanting to be a natural parent? Qui prodes? How does it serve the adopted child that his parents had to go through a set process of depression and grief as deemed necessary by a social worker? I can't wrap my mind around it.

What of after the adoption? What happens with all the natural children who may later follow, surely the agency can't ask for the natural parenting ability to be enforced after either hence your line of thought of them being different paths and one needing to be chosen is not valid. Why not ask for a histerectomy and/or a vasectomy too to show commitment?

I find the requirement to use contraceptives truly intruding and insulting because the only motivation I can think of is to make sure that a couple doesn't back off in their adoption process because they got pregnant naturally and hence waste the adoption authority's money. I can see no way in which this serves the newly adopted child since protection against natural siblings can not be accomplished anyhow.

So again, what is the official line, "why" this requirement?


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## fluffosaur

The rationale is basically that moving on to adoption requires 100% commitment. If you haven't ever been in, or worked in, the adoption process then I cannot expect you to understand this.

We extensively prepare our prospective adopters for their new journey through training courses, the adoption assessment procedures and counselling. This does require them to put all thoughts of conceiving naturally out of their heads - they are going to be parents of _somebody elses_ child now, not their own. You cannot truly parent somebody elses child if you are still holding out the hope of one day conceiving your own.

Where adoptive parents have conceived naturally after the adoption order has been granted (typically 18 months after the match has been made) this has led to a higher incidence of disruption. Those who use adoption as a "backup" never really see their adoptive children as their "own" and thus they are more likely to "send them back" to care once they have no need for them anymore. Only around 8% of adoptive placements end in disruption and so we must be doing something right with our "abitrary" guidelines and lack of psychological assessments of adoptive couples.

These children have likely moved from foster carer to foster carer, have no idea who their birth parents are (if birth parents lead chaotic or violent lives) and just need some stability. We aim to provide them that stability in as short amount of time as possible.

Still holding out hope of having your own natural child means you are not fully committed to the adoption process. The process is long, exhausting and time-consuming. You go through all kinds of emotional upheavals.

Bare in mind your social worker will begin discussing potential adoptive children in the few weeks before your application goes to Panel. In Panel they completely pull adopters apart to ensure they are suitable - this is to protect the children. If you are trying to discuss potential adoptive children WHILST still trying to conceive your own - how does that even work? It's entirely selfish on the part of the prospective adopters. We dedicate our lives to finding good homes for our children in care and quite frankly, they've already been through enough. Adults have many safeguards in place to help them come to terms with trauma but children do not, and should not, have them.

In our experience we've seen couples come to Panel, have their application approved and then conceive naturally. At the point we know they are going to be approved we start looking for children to match them with. The adoption process from beginning to end takes around 12 months and that is including *9 dedicated* months of a social workers time. As a social worker you don't have much time and so when somebody turns around and goes "actually, we don't want to adopt anymore" can you imagine the uproar that causes? This isn't money we are worried about here - this is the wasting of our time when we could have been approving other adopters. There is a waiting list to get into the adoption approval process and for a couple to have consumed a year's worth of time only to turn around and throw it back at us is really a very selfish thing to do. It's great they've conceived naturally but where does that leave us? With around 100 children who are currently waiting for adoptive placements and no adopters to place them with.

We've had couples who reach the stage of _Introductions_ (after a match has been approved by Panel and the children are mere weeks away from moving in) with their adoptive children, with the children fully aware that they are going to have new parents, who have turned around and told us they are now pregnant. Can you imagine being that child and having a social worker tell you that your new mummy and daddy can't adopt you anymore because they're having a child of their "own"?

Everything we do is for the children. If you come to adoption knowing that you are still going to try and conceive naturally then you only really have yourself in mind.


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## magicvw

I don't get it either, and I don't think there are two kinds of mother - those who adopt and those who didn't. My DH has 3 brothers and an adopted sister - she was adopted after all of them had been born. His mother is not a "different" person when it comes to the relationship she has with his sister. My SIL/BIL have adopted three kids due to infertility, and I don't think they will ever give up the hope of having a child naturally, even though they did abide by the no-TTC rules during the adoption process. I am sure there are prospective parents who change their minds at the last minute for any number of reasons, and I'd be interested to see some stats on how many of them did it because they (amazingly) got pregnant just before the process was completed.


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## fluffosaur

The thing is - you HAVE to be a different kind of parent to an adopted child. We provide a lot of pre-approval training to ensure that adopters know the difference. Children who have been adopted experience abandonment issues, identity crisies and grieve for their birth family. If you parent them the same way you parent your own children then you are going to experience all kinds of problems. 90% of the parenting is the same, but 10% (which is why our process is so extensive - to ensure you can provide this 10%) is very different.

What we find is that women tend to get pregnant as soon as they stop trying. As soon as the pressure is off ("WE'RE ADOPTING!) and the stress levels in their bodies reduce, then conception is more likely.


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## lesleyann

people adopting babies surely dont have that 10% since the child never new any different? Also i dont get the TTC thing so if your pregnant you cannot adopt just because you can only be 1 type of mother to your "own" child or to a child which is not your "own"...

Surely it would be great all around for people to be able to get pregnant and still adopt bring a child into there home and love them :shrug:


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## MissAma

I was going to react and point out the rather obvious gaps and fallacies in your argument above but since seeing your latest pearl of the "relax and you'll conceive" wisdom type when we're discussing infertile couples I don't think I can be logical and kind enough to carry on with this debate so I will bow out of it our of respect for Bec.

As a last thought, I'd like to point out for everyone reading this and feeling discouraged by some of those remarks above that A. this is just the opinion of someone in the system; and B. when it comes to the other point of view, no matter who says what, they can not reinforce the TTC requirement so good luck becoming parents soon in whichever way it is, or, if you're real lucky, in both fashions.


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## fluffosaur

MissAma - You would be welcome to attend an adoption information evening and discuss your views with an adoption social worker in person. It is too difficult to discuss these complex issues over the internet. Like you said I'm "from the system". However, I'm also on the other side of the system and considering adoption as a way forward through my own infertility. 

LesleyAnn - We don't just approve adoptions for babies. In fact, very few adoptions are for healthy white british babies. A lot of them have come from drug-addicted mothers or those who have abused alcohol during their pregnancies. That "10%" we ask for is because as adoptive parents you would likely have to deal with the ongoing effects of this into the future. The child may have a harder time attaching (yes, this can happen with birth children but it's far less likely) due to several foster carer moves before they reach their adoptive home. They also may have developmental delay, health problems relating to issues during the pregnancy or any number of other difficulties. You need to be a parent _"and them some" _to be able to adopt. Of course, many placements also go off without a hitch but this really cannot be predicted.

If you get pregnant during the adoption process we could not possibly allow the adoption to continue. Settling in an adopted child is a very difficult process and one which could not be undertaken by anybody who is also trying to settle in their birth child. Adopted children have enough trouble adjusting to a home where there is already a settled birth child (aged 5+) and so to do them both at the same time could potentially be disasterous.

A couple who had their own birth child would potentially be able to adopt once their birth child was 5+ years old but we tend to find they don't want to anymore.

This is years of professional experience which has led the Adoption service to have these policies in place. I did some work with a young lady who was adopted into a family where she was older than their birth son (we would never do this now) and then the couple got pregnant again just as the adoption order was granted. The adoption disrupted less than 5 years later and she spent until 16 in care, feeling unloved and rejected by everybody. We have these policies in place to ensure that incidents like that _do not happen_.

Anybody interested in adoption really does need to do their research prior to embarking on this journey. Attend information evenings, read lots of books about adoption and seek out adoption-specific forums on the internet. If you think anything I've said seems "harsh" of social workers then I cannot even tell you how difficult you would find the full adoption assessment process. However, over 3000 couples were approved as adopters last year and just as many children were adopted so it's worthwhile in the end.

If anybody has any questions please feel free to message me directly. I feel we have hijacked this thread enough now.


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## lesleyann

fluffosaur said:


> MissAma - You would be welcome to attend an adoption information evening and discuss your views with an adoption social worker in person. It is too difficult to discuss these complex issues over the internet. Like you said I'm "from the system". However, I'm also on the other side of the system and considering adoption as a way forward through my own infertility.
> 
> LesleyAnn - We don't just approve adoptions for babies. In fact, very few adoptions are for healthy white british babies. A lot of them have come from drug-addicted mothers or those who have abused alcohol during their pregnancies. That "10%" we ask for is because as adoptive parents you would likely have to deal with the ongoing effects of this into the future. The child may have a harder time attaching (yes, this can happen with birth children but it's far less likely) due to several foster carer moves before they reach their adoptive home. They also may have developmental delay, health problems relating to issues during the pregnancy or any number of other difficulties. You need to be a parent _"and them some" _to be able to adopt. Of course, many placements also go off without a hitch but this really cannot be predicted.
> 
> If you get pregnant during the adoption process we could not possibly allow the adoption to continue. Settling in an adopted child is a very difficult process and one which could not be undertaken by anybody who is also trying to settle in their birth child. Adopted children have enough trouble adjusting to a home where there is already a settled birth child (aged 5+) and so to do them both at the same time could potentially be disasterous.
> 
> A couple who had their own birth child would potentially be able to adopt once their birth child was 5+ years old but we tend to find they don't want to anymore.
> 
> This is years of professional experience which has led the Adoption service to have these policies in place. I did some work with a young lady who was adopted into a family where she was older than their birth son (we would never do this now) and then the couple got pregnant again just as the adoption order was granted. The adoption disrupted less than 5 years later and she spent until 16 in care, feeling unloved and rejected by everybody. We have these policies in place to ensure that incidents like that _do not happen_.
> 
> Anybody interested in adoption really does need to do their research prior to embarking on this journey. Attend information evenings, read lots of books about adoption and seek out adoption-specific forums on the internet. If you think anything I've said seems "harsh" of social workers then I cannot even tell you how difficult you would find the full adoption assessment process. However, over 3000 couples were approved as adopters last year and just as many children were adopted so it's worthwhile in the end.
> 
> If anybody has any questions please feel free to message me directly. I feel we have hijacked this thread enough now.

i new the rate for people getting babies was low but i never even thought about "problem" babies bless them :cry:

So what happens if people have adopted and then get pregnant a year or 2 after adopting.. since i would guess in alot of cases after a while people who beleive they are infertile would not want to be on birth controll since there would seem to be no need for it?i would of thought alot would still want to keep there adopted child


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## Step Mummy

A couple of months ago we were given the news that we cannot conceive naturally and we have the option of going throught IVF, although first my husband has to have an invasive opperation, and we do not qualify for IVF through the NHS, so all treatment will have to be paid for. We are just trying to decide if this is worth the agony (physical and mental), the emotional rollercoaster, the huge fund of money, and the long-drawn out process, with the chance of success at the other end being only 29%.
When we started to realise we had a problem we started to discuss adoption, my husband has a son who is now 18, we have been together for over 10 years, so I had many happy years with him as a youngster around, although he only lived with us since he was 14. I know how much I love him unconditionally, and I feel I could put this to an adoptive child as well. We have a fantastic lifestyle and think we could give an unfortunate child a great life. I know that they like us to take time to come to terms with not being able to conceive naturally, but whilst we are making our decision, I am trying to find out more info about adopting, timescales etc. I know they like us to have a long break in between TTC and Adoption process in order to ensure we are 100% sure, which I agree is a good plan, even though, once we set that route we will want it to happen quickly!

My husband is also very excited about adopting, and together we think this is probably the best way forward for us all, (without persuing the fertlilty treatment). We just want to have all the facts on the IVF and adoption before we make a final life changing decision. He is aged 48 (I am 32) and I know this will have an impact, but how much?

Thanks for any help offered.
XX


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## fluffosaur

lesleyann said:


> i new the rate for people getting babies was low but i never even thought about "problem" babies bless them :cry:

The majority of babies received into the service now are because of pre-birth care plans and legal proceedings. We remove babies because the birth parents have had other children taken into care and we are trying to prevent history from repeating itself. It'll be in cases where they've had 3 or 4 children that we can justify this. Or if there is a history of severe drug abuse and the parents are not willing to receive treatment.

It's very, very sad. 

Healthy, relinquished (given up) babies basically never happen. Due to the 1969 Abortion Act women obviously have the choice to abort, contraceptive methods are better and there are improved societal factors which can help to keep babies with their parents now.



lesleyann said:


> So what happens if people have adopted and then get pregnant a year or 2 after adopting.. since i would guess in alot of cases after a while people who beleive they are infertile would not want to be on birth controll since there would seem to be no need for it?i would of thought alot would still want to keep there adopted child

We can't remove a child once they have been adopted, unless there are other factors - such as abuse or neglect. Once the adoption order is granted it is as if the child has been born to you. They are issued with a new birth certificate (which says "adopted" on it) and you are permitted to change their last name.

We discourage changing the first name because it is the only link the child has to their past. Some people do though, and we can't stop them.


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## fluffosaur

Step Mummy said:


> He is aged 48 (I am 32) and I know this will have an impact, but how much?

No impact at all. We have several couples in our service with a similar age difference.

If you get in touch with your local adoption service they will be able to send you an information pack and invite you to an information evening.

The timescale is approximately 1 year for the assessment/application process and then another year before a child is placed. 18 months to 2 years from start to placement is about the average.

We ask for a gap of 6 months minimum in between TTC and applying to adopt.

Good luck! You can PM me if you have any questions.


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## lesleyann

fluffosaur said:


> lesleyann said:
> 
> 
> i new the rate for people getting babies was low but i never even thought about "problem" babies bless them :cry:
> 
> The majority of babies received into the service now are because of pre-birth care plans and legal proceedings. We remove babies because the birth parents have had other children taken into care and we are trying to prevent history from repeating itself. It'll be in cases where they've had 3 or 4 children that we can justify this. Or if there is a history of severe drug abuse and the parents are not willing to receive treatment.
> 
> It's very, very sad.
> 
> Healthy, relinquished (given up) babies basically never happen. Due to the 1969 Abortion Act women obviously have the choice to abort, contraceptive methods are better and there are improved societal factors which can help to keep babies with their parents now.
> 
> 
> 
> lesleyann said:
> 
> 
> So what happens if people have adopted and then get pregnant a year or 2 after adopting.. since i would guess in alot of cases after a while people who beleive they are infertile would not want to be on birth controll since there would seem to be no need for it?i would of thought alot would still want to keep there adopted childClick to expand...
> 
> We can't remove a child once they have been adopted, unless there are other factors - such as abuse or neglect. Once the adoption order is granted it is as if the child has been born to you. They are issued with a new birth certificate (which says "adopted" on it) and you are permitted to change their last name.
> 
> We discourage changing the first name because it is the only link the child has to their past. Some people do though, and we can't stop them.Click to expand...

my uncles son was taking into adoption i no he was not a baby once he got his ""real" home.. has was taken when he was born but parents where allowed acess till he was almost 2.. they where allowed to right a letter to him for when he turns 18 with his birth parents names my first name and age i guess ect so if he wants to he will be able to find us..I hope he got to keep his name he was named fully in memory of my grandad :cry: is that common with birth parents who have there children taken away? sorry for all the Q's i was not told to much when it happend


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## fluffosaur

lesleyann said:


> my uncles son was taking into adoption i no he was not a baby once he got his ""real" home.. has was taken when he was born but parents where allowed acess till he was almost 2.. they where allowed to right a letter to him for when he turns 18 with his birth parents names my first name and age i guess ect so if he wants to he will be able to find us..I hope he got to keep his name he was named fully in memory of my grandad :cry: is that common with birth parents who have there children taken away? sorry for all the Q's i was not told to much when it happend

Do you mean is it common for them to write a letter? Yes, very common. A lot of them have lives which are just too chaotic to be able to do so and so they don't tend to do this. The option is always offered to them. The letter will then be kept in the child's adoption file and they will be able to read it once they are 18. Once they are 18 they will also be allowed to trace their birth relatives.

Changing of the name does happen, but we try and discourage it. We try and only permit the surname to be changed so that the child can hold onto something from their past.

Hope this helps, feel free to message me for clarification if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

~ fluffosaur


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## Titi

Hi-I wanted to introduce myself and subscribe to this thread-as I've been really wanting an adoption thread but didn't know there was one yet, b/c I just can't bring myself to peruse the main menu down this far!

I'm going to be 35 in the fall and my husband is 36. We have been together 10 years, married 2 and TTC #1 for 20 cycles. Before that we were not actively trying but were not using any contraceptives. Niether of us has ever been or gotten somebody pregnant. We've had a few tests done, so far I seem okay and DH has low motility.

IVF isn't an option for us. In the states it is ridiculously expensive and also it is against our religious beliefs, so it is a lot of dispair that we feel at our age we are maybe nearing the end of our road to conceive our own child sometimes.

We don't have any plans to adopt at the moment b/c although open to it, DH is still really holding out a lot of hope that it is just taking us longer and we have lots more time to conceive naturally. For me, I would be totally open to adopting our first child first, and if we get pg later, okay, but I understand that I have not been through that "grieving period" and I can understand it-I still "grieve" every month I get my period.

I also truly have NO idea what the adoption process is like in the states and am overwhelmed to get started.

I guess if I could follow along on this thread it would be really helpful. I've read from the beginning. Thank you


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## Titi

bump?


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## Beckic

Hello Titi,

It would be great to have you follow the thread hun :hugs::hugs:.
AlthoughTBH - theres not much going on in it at the mo.
We are waiting till January to put in our adoption forms (which then starts the ball rolling over here in the UK) so until then I am in limbo.

I have also been following your journal recently - re the soy insoflavones - as Fluffosaur pointed out - I am still not over the idea that I am never going to be pregnant - and I still occasioanly flirt with the idea of trying new things like soy. I guess old habits die hard!!

I actually had a boob job two weeks ago in an attempt to 1. make myself feel more attractive after all the horrible IVF crappy drugs and to spice up our sex life a bit (4 year TTC is enough to put anyone off!) and 2. to kinda draw a line under the whole 'I am tryign for a baby thing' - because now I have the new boobs (which I LOVE!!!) they would be ruined if I got preggers so this was my way of saying OK this is the new me wh is going to adopt.
(of course there is also that annoying voice in my head that says - sods law says you will get pregnant now - which of course gives me hope - but I am trying to ignore that voice!! :dohh::dohh:)

This time twelve months ago we were having our first two embryos transferred. Cant beleive its been a year. I really did feel so special carrying them around - even though it ended in dissapointment it was wonderful while it lasted.

Thank you for joining the thread. I am sure once everything kicks off in January I'll have loads to say and will update more regulalry.

Bx x x :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## zero7

Hello Hon :flower: Just realised you had this thread running over here! :dohh:

We are going to the open day this Friday here in Berkshire - will update my journal with news of that. 

Now I know where you are, I will keep on eye on you!! :hugs: 

Lou Lou xxxxxx


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## CareBear

Congratulations on your new boobs! x


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## Chris77

Titi,

I briefly worked at a law office specializing in adoption. You will first need to find a lawyer specializing in adoption. They will get the ball rolling on having you get certified. You will have to meet with a social worker for home studies, you'll have about 2 or 3 home studes before an adoption and about 1 or 2 after the adoption. You will have to disclose your finances, tax returns, whatever assets you have, what your debts are etc. Then, it's decided if you're financially stable enough to adopt. You will both have to undergo physicals with a letter from your physician stating that you are both healthy enough to care for a child.

If you choose open adoption, you set up a profile and website and you can advertise that you're looking to adopt. Alot of times, birth mothers will contact you. Most likely with open adoptions, the birth mother can chose to have letters and pictures sent to them for a specified amount of time each year, often until the child reaches the age of 18.

If you go with an agency, it will be a closed adoption and you will have no contact with the birth parents.

All in all, you're looking at about $20,000 + for an adoption per child. You also have to pay for all the birth's mother expenses including her lawyer. This is not refundable...so if she changes her mind...you're out all that money. Open adoptions are slightly less expensive than agency adoptions..probably between $12 and $15k. Agency adoptions you have to pay the agency fee, the birth mother's expenses including her lawyer, etc. and of course your own lawyer's fee.

There is a tax write off....I can't quite remember the amount now but I think it's about $12,000 if you make below $250,000 a year. 

Loads of luck to you!!


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## magicvw

Wow - I never knew it was so expensive! :shock: It it comparable in the UK, anyone?


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## CareBear

Adoption in the UK is done via Social Services, it costs in terms of getting equipment etc but does not cost in terms of the assessment or the court fees as the social service departments will pay for these. Not sure if its the same if you go with a private agency such as Barnardos (I don't think so as they are a charity) but again I think the LA placing the child will pay the court fees. Hope that helps. 

Chris - correct me if I'm wrong but are a lot of adoptions in the US done for people relinquishing their babies and choosing adopters when they are pregnant? In the UK the majority of adoptions are for children who have been removed from their birth families due to neglect or abuse.


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## Chris77

CareBear said:


> Chris - correct me if I'm wrong but are a lot of adoptions in the US done for people relinquishing their babies and choosing adopters when they are pregnant? In the UK the majority of adoptions are for children who have been removed from their birth families due to neglect or abuse.

I don't have any statistics but it does seem like alot of people want newborns so they go the route of finding birth mother's who are looking to place their child...right from birth. Often times, the adopted parents are allowed to be in the delivery room with the birth mother. People choose to adopt in different ways. DH's Aunt adopted a child from China and a child from Guatemala. Both children when adopted were over the age of 6 months. Still others, are foster parents and then adopt that way.

I THINK an overseas adoption is cheaper but then you would re-adopt the child in the states. I don't think you HAVE to re-adopt them...not sure on all the legalities of it. I just know that couples who have adopted overseas then "re-adopts" them in the US.


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## gwensin19

I know nobodys posted in a while but im still glad i found this thread...im still TTC #1 for the past 3 years now (this past year with specialists help) and ive already tried clomid and several iui's and had 1 round of injectables (failed and now on cd 1) and we have decided i will try 3-4 more cycles of injectables then move on to IVF, at this point im just so sick of being sad all the time for the constant 'loss' that af brings every month, id love to move onto adoption right now but i feel like even if i do adopt i will always have that want to actually be pregnant and everything is just so expensive so im not sure what to do from here. but im glad to see a thread like this and others going through the same situation..good luck to everyone :hugs:


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## Titi

Hi gwensin19-
I'm here for you! I'm going through the exact same thing except it's only been two years and we haven't yet tried IUI but only for fear it isn't going to work and its money we could put toward either more advanced fertility treatments or adoption......which is what is scary-I don't know how we'd pay for either so, at 35 I'm doubly afraid we are NEVER going to know what it is like to have a child.


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## gwensin19

I totally understand, Im 24 and I still feel that way, this whole thing is scary, and its very sad to think about never having a child but we should try to remain hopeful in the meantime, i guess thats the only way to get through it. keep me posted, Jennifer


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## zero7

I can relate to how you are feeling as I have been through the same sadness. I think I just got to the stage where I couldn't face any more sadness and stress and that out weighed the need to be pregnant.

If you are interested, I have an adoption journal in LTTTC which I am running so that anyone interested in adoption can follow my journey. 

Best of luck to you. xxxxx


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## Titi

oh Zero, thanks for posting...........I will be stalking your journal!!!


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## Scarlett13

Good luck!!!


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## katiee

Why not consider surrogate mother as an option , your relative sister or friend might help .. Good luck!


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