# Advice on childminder issues-UPDATE with further dilemma



## Aphrodite

My two boys (4 and 5) have been going to their child minder for a year now. Me and DH have become very unhappy with her since they went back after the summer holidays. They only go in term time, and only one day a week before and after school.

Firstly I am concerned with how she speaks to the children. I've heard her barking out orders such as, put your shoes on the rack! Don't run! And ODS told me she told him to stop dragging his feet and he's 'a dawdler' on the walk to school which is up a steep hill. He IS a dawdler but I don't like her tone or her negativity in general.

This ties into the second thing. I see her every day at school picking up another child. She never even says hello to him and just starts walking off with the buggy once the teacher has sent him over. I know she's not their mother, but surely at least a hello, how was your day?! 

She also looks thoroughly miserable and never smiles. I have noticed also as well as DH that she won't make eye contact with us. When we pick the kids up they are always alone in the conservatory and she's either in the kitchen or the living room. There's no interaction atall she is just in the house with them.

We had a bit of a misunderstanding about money and pay last week but I assured her we would pay for what we owe. But things haven't improved. I also think the walk to and from school is too much for them, about half an hour up a steep hill. 

When I have questioned the boys about going there are they happy etc they have never said anything negative and seem happy enough. ODS says he doesn't like going there, but when pressed about this several times he says it's because he's not with me, rather than a problem with her.

Are we being unreasonable? She definitely has the hump about something and I don't like it. However- boys seen fine, she doesn't charge me for holidays and her rates are very good. I'm torn because there aren't many childminders who will offer those days and hours. I want another day but she has been very vague and not really given me a clear answer. She blanks me at school and doesn't reply to my texts for days.

Does this sound like we're over reacting? She never used to be like this she was friendly and chatty which is why I chose her in the first place. All I know is I don't like how things are with her at the moment, but if the boys are okay should we just suck it up?


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## zorak

Maybe she has something personal going on? That being said I wouldn't be happy either. A good child carer should be upbeat and interact with the kids. My eldest went to daycare from the age of 5 months to 2 years. His carer was so friendly and upbeat. She obviously loved her job and it showed in her relationship. I'm looking at going back to work soon and will be looking at childminders, honestly I just wouldn't put the kids with someone who acted like you described. I don't expect anyone to be bouncy all day but they should at least greet and chat to the kids after school/nursery. When i pick my son up from nursery there are a couple of childminders so do pickups and they make chit chat with their charges.


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## sabby52

I am a childminder and believe me I am not happy and upbeat all day but you could never tell when I am with the children I mind, in my eyes the childminder is taking the role of the parent while they have the child and they should behave like that!! when I collect the children I mind from school the first thing I say to all of them is "Hi, did you have a good day at school" our journey home consists of them giving me a run down of their day lol 

I dont always be in the same room as the children as I have snacks to prepare and dinner to sort but 90% of the time I am with them playing, talking, doing homework and reading books.

I will be honest, I do have rules in my home, I have to, if I let the children do what they want I wouldnt have a home to live in lol and I have been known to bark out orders, "don't run on the stairs" " dont hit your brother" " dont throw toys" but I always bring them to me and explain why, "dont run on the stairs because it is dangerous, if you fall and topple down the stairs you could hurt yourself" "dont hit your brother because it is unkind, we need to use happy hands while we are playing" so although I do bark orders I explain why I am doing it. 

Honestly if it were me I would want the parents to talk to me, from what you have wrote it doesnt sound like she enjoys her job.

Have you asked your children does she play with them? you could ask what kind of games she plays, what they talk about or how funny is she.


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## _jellybean_

I'd find someone else.


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## noon_child

Im sorry you are finding it difficult to get alternative child care before and after school in term time only and are stuck with someone you aren't sure about. Does the school not offer any wrap around care? Could you petition them to start something? In most areas where school have no contracted after school club, there are private organisations that run after school clubs instead.


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## jd83

I think I'd question the boys a bit more about how she interacts with them. Does she play with them? What type of games do they play? Do they watch TV? Do they go outside to play? etc. just to get a feel for how the day goes when you aren't witnessing it. Sounds like she may have something personal going on in her life that is affecting her behavior at work, if she wasn't like this before. That may explain it, but it doesn't excuse it, honestly. She's working with young children. She needs to be able to separate her personal issues from interfering with how she interacts with the kids. I'd get a better understanding of the situation from your kids with some questioning, and if it sound like its happening all day, then I'd be talking with her.


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## Aphrodite

Thanks for all the suggestions. Well when I went on Monday she seemed a bit better. I think I've worked out that the problem was about money. We owed her two weeks that I didn't realise. But I stead of bringing it up she just behaved as I described above. Now it's Come to light and I've told her I'll pay she seems *marginally* better. 
I've asked ten childminders this last week and none of them are able to have my boys. So I'm really stuck at the moment because I need to work. I think I'll have to see how the next few weeks go. They are there this week but not after as it's half term.


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## Aphrodite

So we've been paying what we owe every week to the childminder but last week was half term. We don't normally pay in half term but I said I would to get on top of the money we owe. Well FIL ended up in hospital and almost died. We had the week from hell. I texted her to let her know we wouldn't be able to pay her that week as I'd said, but would pay the normal fees the next week then continue paying the extra. She was not happy as I predicted and said that of she wasn't paid everything we owe by next week then she would suspend the child care. 

Frankly I think she's just looking for an excuse to get rid of us and I feel she will do so sooner or later. I think I've found a lovely replacement in my estate. I'm meeting her tomorrow. 

My dilemma now is this-if I give four weeks notice then I will still have to take them there and it's going to be mega awkward. I don't want to take them back. But I'm wondering if I allow HER to terminate the childcare then would I be responsible for paying the four weeks still? I am going to pay her everything I owe that was never not going to happen but I'm just wondering if it would be better for her to terminate the care instead of me.


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## jd83

TBH, I have no idea if this is something that differs with childcare over there. Over here, if you use an sitter out of their home, there really is nothing stopping anyone from ever cancelling services with them and going to someone else, or vice versa, if someone is unhappy with the arrangement. Unless there is a contract in place stating that there has to be a specific amount of notice given, and then of course they would be owed that amount of time/fees before you could switch. I've never had a written contract with any of the home sitters we have used, so this isn't something that's ever come up for me.


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## zorak

She has every right to be annoyed, you owe her money! 

I don't understand how having a bereavement means you can't pay childcare. My Fil passed away while we were still living overseas. The day we found out was manic, I had to organise flights, pack, sort out our jobs etc. But, I also popped into my daycare provider and gave her cheques covering the childcare fees she would still be due to secure my sons place. 

This lady is providing a service it is totally unacceptable to pick and choose when to pay her.


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## lau86

Do you have a contract with her? If so I'd follow that. If not either of you could just end it and I don't see how she could ask for more money. I would just pay for the care she's provided


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## _jellybean_

Also don't really understand how a loss would make you not pay? I'd pay what you owe. If I really didn't feel comfortable with someone who was caring for my child, I'd figure out a way to get the money, terminate care immediately, and pay the extra four weeks. 

Could she be upset with you about all of this money stuff?


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## Eleanor ace

I'm not sure I understand completely, so if I've got it wrong please ignore! But it sounds like you're behind on your fees, which would explain her being cross and maybe not wanting to carry on providing childcare for you. It is usually a slippery slope when you have a client who pays late/misses payment, they tend to carry on and get worse. She doesn't know that you won't be the same. 
I would first of all pay what you owe, apologize again for being late with the pay and say that you understand if she wants to end the arrangement and (if you do want to go with someone else) ask how much notice she needs.


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## jd83

I think I missed the bit about you being behind on payment when I responded before. My response was more about switching to another provider, and whether or not you'd be responsible to pay a set amount of time to your current provider. If you're behind on payments, though, I'd say that really explains her negative behavior towards you and the kids. I'd be pretty pissed off if I worked for whatever set amount of time, and didn't get paid for it, and then got excuses as to why it was being further put off. Everyone has crazy weeks pop up, where there seems to be no end to unexpected expenses popping up. You can't choose childcare as the one to not pay, though! That's a really important person to keep happy. That person has your child a pretty large portion of the week. Honestly, I'd turn off the cable or internet at home before I'd not pay our sitter. I think if you get caught up on payment with her, and keep caught up as you should, things should hopefully be fine with her going forward.


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## Lucasmum

I would have a few concerns like why is she not interacting on the school pick up but unless you've followed and listened maybe she waits till away from the hustle and bustle :shrug: I don't spend all my time in the same room as my DS nothing would get done if I did so I wouldn't be bothered by that.

Late fees however I would have an issue with she has bills to pay like the rest of us and probably relies on it OH works for himself and when clients don't pay after a warning he simplely suspends service it normally is enough to make people cough up but we still got our bills to pay and need to provide food and warmth for our family so yeah I understand why she would be pissed off

Also if you just let her terminate through non payment you may struggle to find anyone who will take the children on childminders usually have a huge network of child minding friends they meet up with during the days and words spreads a friend of mine has turned many people away over the years as they have a reputation on being bad payers as I said these people still have bills to pay them selves


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## JumpingIn

I'm a self employed therapist which means families pay me directly for my services. I need that money to cover all my costs for the month and when a client doesn't pay on time it totally screws me over. I of course never take it out on the children but I am definitely gutted and I have indeed stopped working for clients when they haven't paid on time asI simply can't afford to make my services a charity. 

I agree with the others too, my son is in nursery and some months when the clients haven't paid I've sold prized possessions to pay for childcare. No way I'm going to annoy the people who care for my baby


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## DreamCatcher_

I agree with the others about her being annoyed at the missed payments and rightly so.

You've missed two weeks of payments (essentially half a month) and still have not caught up on these, instead you are making your normal payments and then just paying off what you owe bit by bit (this is how I read it).

If I missed that portion of my wages I'd be furious.


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