# now what?



## flycrazybird

So, I've went back and forth on whether or not to join this forum. Feeling kind of silly. How can writing about my feelings on the loss of my baby to a bunch of internet strangers. However, I'm not sure what else to do and what can it hurt, right?
I guess I'll begin with how it all happened. I found out I was pregnant the day before my birthday. What a wonderful birthday present, right? At first I was elated with excitement, but then the fear crept in. My husband and I had just talked about waiting a bit longer to try or our second child. My daughter is 5 and having struggles of her own which we wanted to focus on. But how can you not be happy about a baby after it's already in the process of growing inside you? So everyday was a bit of a roller coaster for me. I am someone who pregnancy is kind to. I was sick 24/7, with migraines and I could barely get out of bed some days. It put a strain on my friendships and my job. But it was all going to be worth it.
Last weekend I noticed pinkish spotting but for whatever reason thought nothing of it. (i had spotted a bit with my daughter) I called my mom and she said if it persisted, to go to the hospital. It didn't happen again all day. Until about 5pm, I felt a gush and ran to the bathroom. It was a mess so we went to emerg. Everyone told us to be optimistic and it would be okay. But after a sonogram and beside ultrasound, the doctor told us there was no heartbeat. 
I was flooded with thoughts of "no this isn't happening" "they told me it would be okay" "how can it be gone, I did everything I was supposed to"
it didn't make sense. it still doesn't.
I was 14 weeks and 6 days.

The following day i went in for a d&c.-one of my worst fears.
I hated/and still hate this idea of my baby being sucked out into a vacuum and discarded like it was nothing. 
the staff was amazing and made me feel as at ease as i could be, and like it was okay that i wasn't okay.

recovery has been rough. i just wanna do stuff to get my m off of it, but im stuck "taking it easy". but on the other hand I don't wanna do anything. waking up is the hardest. every morning i cry. because i remember that my belly is empty and feel the hole that will never be filled.
im trying to focus on my daughter and i know i can leave her alone because this happened. im just struggling to find perspective on it all. but there is none.
how do you carry on with a chunk of yourself missing?


----------



## iBeach

:hugs:


----------



## Mrs W 11

I'm so so sorry :hugs: loss is absolutely devastating and I wish none of us had to go through it. 

I was 12 weeks when I found out my baby had died at 7.5 weeks in January and am still completely heart broken. I don't think you ever get over it, you just have to carry on and it changes you forever, but it does get easier with time.

Be kind to yourself, warm baths, your favourite food and drinks and make some plans so you have things to look forward to. Mostly spend time with your precious family to help you start to heal.

Sending huge hugs :hugs: this forum is a wonderful place of supportive ladies, it really did help me no end (and still does) to talk to ladies who have been through and/or are going through the same thing. 

Xxx


----------



## newbie1992

Im not in your situation, but i really must commend you on what strong ladies you all are. I can't understand how another person deals with this and the way you all talk about it is so amazing.

i'm so sorry for all of your losses even though my apology is probably not comforting at all, im thinking of you all and shedding a tear!

x


----------



## nessaw

Hi am so sorry for your loss. We recently lost twins at 14+5. Am sending you and your family love at this difficult time. Xx


----------



## jem77

First I'd like to say, sorry for your loss. It's such a horrible, cruel thing for us to have to go through. 
Your days will get easier as time goes on. But you will never forget your angel. Even as I hold my rainbow baby, I cry for the baby I lost. I actually cry often for that baby, but not nearly as much as early on. You will have good days and bad days. It's OK to grieve. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this. :hugs:


----------



## imissmybabyja

I was 18 weeks pregnant until 04/21. I felt labor contractions the afternoon before. I felt it through the night. Was told it could be stretching pains. At 4:30am, I went to the bathroom and so dark blood in my discharge. I panicked and went to the ER. They checked my baby and we saw it waving. They said all looked ok. That the bleeding was from a polyp in my cervix and it shouldn't affect the baby. They didn't know what caused my pain. Said it could be muscular pain. I went home but called my doc. Told him my pain continued and I would like to see a Maternal Fetal Care specialist. Baby was fine again. The measurements all looked good but they too couldn't figure I was having pain. I asked them if there was a way to check if it were contractions. They said they didn't have the equipment for it. They also thought it was ligament pains. I went home thinking I am so silly. Why couldn't I bear some stretching pains. So I bore and bore until I was in tears. I called the doc again and he said it could be a bladder infection and he was going to prescribe antibiotics. This was at 6pm. Then he asked "are you crying?" I said "yes". He said take a Tylenol and if the pain doesn't subside in an hr go to the ER. I debated taking the Tylenol thinking if it's stretching pains I will bear it. I will do anything for my baby. At 6:15pm my water broke. I knows it was my water and not any clot since it didn't have any blood. My husband said it can't be water. Baby is going to be fine. I called the doc to let him know. And the answering service asked me "what's wrong"... I said "my water [email protected] She said "listen your water doesn't break at 18 weeks"... I got upset and said "pls connect me with my doc he knows my case. She said "don't give me attitude". I went to the ER and I felt I wet my pants again. I asked the doc "did my water break?" He said "let's check" and then said "u r having a miscarriage, the process has begun". I delivered my baby at 7:30. And then they took me in the operating room to remove my placenta. I came to know I had a baby boy. I did a burial for him. I miss him in me. I miss being pregnant. When I saw milk in my breasts it hurt emotionally. Everyone expects me to move on. That it was bad luck/fate. Perhaps it was. But I am not able to move on. I want to be pregnant again but something in my heart tells me this was it. I am 34 years old, will be 35 in a few mths. Perhaps I am not healthy. Perhaps I don't deserve a second chance. Perhaps it was Gods way of letting me know that?


----------



## meli1981

:hugs: im so sorry for your loss....hope you get find some peace and support from the forum


----------

