# Ugh .. I glanced in "no mans land" .. TTC forums...



## kam78

Yep, I done it .... I finally looked in that forum section ... The TTC after loss ...

As I log in, I usually scroll rather quickly to "my section"..never ever look at the others... Well I done it.... 

I wanna TTC! :cry:

I want to so bad I can't see straight! BUT a HUGE part of me says "NEVER AGAIN!!!" ... I am terrified!! 

I lost my Emma because of ME, not her, because of ME.... My body failed us... I have been recently diagnosised with IC ... in another words, a crappy cervix! 

I can NOT go thru another loss but my God, I wanna try again:cry:

Is this normal?? Have you all had these feelings? Am I just feeling some crazy pull since Em was taken? I don't know .... Wonders if these thoughts and feelings will just go away or are these true feelings and desires .... Am I just going crazy???:shrug:


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## SabrinaKat

You are putting so much pressure on yourself, honey....

I think it's brave for you to want to try again, but also....speak to your doctor that it's ok AND find out everything about they can do for you/IC -- I had an m/c at 7-8 wks and although my doctor said wait a few months, psychologically and physically, it took me a good year or so....(in fact, 15 months before I became pregnant)....

best wishes....

(17wks+6 and cautiously hopeful!)


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## kam78

Thank you! I appreciate your advice!!! : D

I haven't given it much thought until lately ... but wonders if its just some part of my grieving process or not ... Wondered if you girls felt the same way after your losses...


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## mhazzab

Oh I'm so happy you are feeling brave enough to think about trying again :happydance:

I'm TTC this month, I'm terrified but I just know I can't go through life without children and so here I am!

don't ever blame yourself for the loss of Emma...if you could have done something to prevent it, you would have. I'm glad you have a definate cause, because they can do something about IC.

being pregnant again will be terrifying, but I think we just have to hope for the best, and believe that this next time, it will all work out.

xxx


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## kam78

Thanks so much for the encouragement!!! :flower:

Just all of a sudden this month, I just woke up, been having this strong desire to TTC but then fear takes over and then I start rethinking everything, well I guess I should say Start thinking ... LOL...

You are such a beautiful, strong soul ... Your girls are proud I'm sure of that!:hugs:


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## yazoo

I completely understand what you are saying. I really want to be pregnant again but I am absolutely terrified. We are going to wait until our follow up appt with the consultant. It has been almost 7 weeks since we lost our gorgeous boy and I feel like I need a baby asap. I think its part of the grieving process to be honest as I know alot of Mums who has suffered losses feel this intense need to be pregnant again. 

As someone said an IC is very easily treated. :happydance:

PS: I am so sorry about the loss of your wee girl. Shes gorgeous. x


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## angelandbump

Hiya,
I felt the same after loosing Alyssa. My body failed her. She was so perfect and the thought of having another baby tore me apart.

My partner said "no, never again" and a part of me agreed but another part felt like i needed to mother a baby. Anyway, we decided not to try but also not to prevent and what do you know, i fell pregnant with my son. I was on bedrest from 6 weeks to 24 weeks and i deliverd him at 34 weeks but dr's don't understand why i can't carry to term?!?

I was sooo happy i was having a boy as i don't know how i would have coped with a girl. I never wanted to feel like i was replacing my angel in anyway (although i knew i wasnt deep in side) 

As it has been said before talk to your DR before going ahead with trying, I really pray it works out better this time for you x


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## kam78

Hmm, the wheels are turning ... :friends:

If I knew the next pregnancy would have a happy ending I'd be on that TTC bandwagon for sure!!! 

Just lots of thinking, researching and talking with my OH and Doctor .....:thumbup:

I'm am just completely terrified ... I have been flirting with these thoughts for a lil bit but lately they are getting stronger and stronger... I wanted to give myself time, and my body for sure time to heal .. I know I am not healed completely yet, just thinking :winkwink:

I would still love to hear from you all about this topic, would love hear all different aspects and thoughts ... 

THanks for being great cyber buddies :hugs:


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## mhazzab

kam78 said:


> I'm am just completely terrified ... I have been flirting with these thoughts for a lil bit but lately they are getting stronger and stronger... I wanted to give myself time, and my body for sure time to heal .. I know I am not healed completely yet, just thinking :winkwink:

you say the thoughts are getting stronger...there will probably come a time soon when the urge to try again is stronger than your fear of something bad happening...I reckon that's when you'll know it's time (and of course, once you have spoken to docs to get the go-ahead). at least, that's what happened to me ;) xxx


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## kam78

Have you gotten the "all clear"? Are you TTC now?? I have read your past posts and you are a remarkably strong woman ....

I guess just lots of research, a appointment with my doctor and we'll see ....

Thanks for being so helpful! Means a lot!!!


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## Mellybelle

The need to try again was just so strong with me. I had no reason for losing my angel Kyle last year. He had tests done, I had tests done...and nothing. We started TTC straight away. I knew it would be scary, but I didnt want to think about that. It took 10 long heartbreaking cycles. And it was scary. Real scary. But i kept thinking "surely it cant happen again'. But it did happen again, and again I was so heartbroken. More tests, baby was tested, placenta was tested, more blood taken from me. Again, nothing. The babies had no chromosomal abnormalities, there were no infections, 15 vials of blood taken from me and nothing wrong. We started trying again, aware that it took so long last time, but we fell pregnant the very next cycle. Here is where the fear really kicked in. I was so sure I was going to lose this baby. I still am sometimes. Its difficult to enjoy pregnancy, but every little kick is just pure bliss. While its harder to _enjoy_, its certainly easier to appreciate. The care I have received from midwives and doctors is wonderful, so much is done to keep me calm. However, without the support of BnB I would be a raving lunatic. There are many positive stories of rainbow babies and I just stick to the hope that I will be one of the postiive stories.


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## mhazzab

kam78 said:


> Have you gotten the "all clear"? Are you TTC now?? I have read your past posts and you are a remarkably strong woman ....
> 
> I guess just lots of research, a appointment with my doctor and we'll see ....
> 
> Thanks for being so helpful! Means a lot!!!

do you mean me? I don't feel strong sometimes, lol!

Yes, the docs said I can go ahead and try. I've been told I will get extra care next time, particularly around the 20 week mark and beyond. They don't really know what caused my premature labour. it may have been an infection as there was evidence of that in the placenta. It's a little scary TTC not knowing what happened, but I know that doing so is the only way I am going to be able to hold my own child in my arms.

good luck :)

xx


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## Andypanda6570

Kelly,
You are totally normal, I go back and forth with this myself, it is awful I know :cry::cry::cry: I think I am going to try now in October and November and December and if nothing happens I am just going to let it be. It is such a personal choice and I am beyond terrified :cry::cry::cry: Love you and I am always thinking of you, you know that xoxoxoxo :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kam78

You girls are the greatest!! :hugs:

Thanks so much for sharing with me... I get the most help from you brave, strong, very real ladies ... 

I think of you all everyday ..:flower:


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## Hellylou

Well done for taking the step and having a look. It's a step forward in every way, even if you don't actually make the step to actively trying yet, it shows you are ready to think about it all.

I am still well and truly on the grief cycle, as it was only 2 and a half weeks ago. I was in total grief and shock in the first week, then had to have the d & e procedure 10 days after the loss, which set my health back as everything kind of fell apart physically. I think I am now feeling a bit stronger physically, so the emotional pain has hit like a train again. I don't know when I will ever feel normal enough emotionally and physically to try again...

I worry, especially after the physical trauma my body went through after it all, that I am simply not strong enough to carry a baby any more. That is what terrifies me. I'm 36. My other children are 12 and 10, and those pregnancies never felt anything like this one did. I was so _ill_ this time. I don't know if that's because things were going wrong, or because I am just not built that strong any more. Part of me thinks that I just can't do it any more and my body is broken. Perhaps that's my current mental state. I hope that's all it is.

Immediately after I lost my baby, I was beyond desperate to try again, which I think was more a case of wanting my baby back and wanting to be pregnant again to make it all go away, than any serious thoughts about TTC again. I think in your case you will know in your heart and your body when it's time to try again. Get as much advice and help as you can beforehand, but ultimately trust your instincts, always. 

Much love to you :hugs::hugs:


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## kam78

Thanks Hellylou!:hugs:

You are such a strong momma and friend ... We all are blessed with your courage ...

My motto now days.... One day at a time....:flower:


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## SarahJane

I am trying and have been trying since 4 weeks after I lost Evelyn. This is my 6th cycle TTC with 2 more chemicals on the way(one thing it has made me, is hard to loss as I didn't even let myself get excited by a BFP so I didn't feel those losses). I knew I wanted to try again while I was lying on the bed in hospital with Evelyn in my arms. I even asked her if she minded. DH felt exactly the same.

I decided that TTC was the only option for me. I am 35, have no kids and took a long time to conceive Evelyn. Any delay could mean that I would never hold a baby in my arms so I fought the fear and just jumped in with both feet. I was given full support of my doctor who told me the only reason they recommend to wait is for emotional reasons. She told me to go for it.

I have no idea why I lost Evelyn but I also blame my stupid body for not being able to keep her. I am terrified of being pregnant again. I am also desparate to be pregnant again.

I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I know she wants me to be happy.

All I would say is to follow your heart. Emma's memory will keep you strong and the doctors will make sure you have every single bit of care you need. 

I can't promise it won't happen to you again any more than I can promise it won't happen again to me but I guess you need to consider whether you are strong enough to take another loss.

In the meantime, I am here for you and please please get in touch if you want to talk xxx


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## SarahJane

PS there are 2 great books out there... Trying again by Douglas and Sussman and also one called "When a Baby dies" which is a UK Sands book - both really helped me to start quickly and also to grieve.


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## Andypanda6570

SarahJane said:


> I am trying and have been trying since 4 weeks after I lost Evelyn. This is my 6th cycle TTC with 2 more chemicals on the way(one thing it has made me, is hard to loss as I didn't even let myself get excited by a BFP so I didn't feel those losses). I knew I wanted to try again while I was lying on the bed in hospital with Evelyn in my arms. I even asked her if she minded. DH felt exactly the same.
> 
> I decided that TTC was the only option for me. I am 35, have no kids and took a long time to conceive Evelyn. Any delay could mean that I would never hold a baby in my arms so I fought the fear and just jumped in with both feet. I was given full support of my doctor who told me the only reason they recommend to wait is for emotional reasons. She told me to go for it.
> 
> I have no idea why I lost Evelyn but I also blame my stupid body for not being able to keep her. I am terrified of being pregnant again. I am also desparate to be pregnant again.
> 
> I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I know she wants me to be happy.
> 
> All I would say is to follow your heart. Emma's memory will keep you strong and the doctors will make sure you have every single bit of care you need.
> 
> I can't promise it won't happen to you again any more than I can promise it won't happen again to me but I guess you need to consider whether you are strong enough to take another loss.
> 
> In the meantime, I am here for you and please please get in touch if you want to talk xxx

I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best and I hope your get a BFP really soon...xoxoxoxooxooxoxox :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: I am so sorry for all you have been through.. xoxo


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## SarahJane

Thanks Andy, you are such a sweetheart xxx

Have you come closer in your decision yet?


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## Andypanda6570

SarahJane said:


> Thanks Andy, you are such a sweetheart xxx
> 
> Have you come closer in your decision yet?

I think I am going to give it a go for October, November and December and see what happens. I have never had a fertility issue so we will see how it goes. I will be 42 in June so if I don't conceive by December I think I am just going to not try anymore, but we will see. XOXOOX Thanks for caring :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## SarahJane

Andypanda6570 said:


> SarahJane said:
> 
> 
> Thanks Andy, you are such a sweetheart xxx
> 
> Have you come closer in your decision yet?
> 
> I think I am going to give it a go for October, November and December and see what happens. I have never had a fertility issue so we will see how it goes. I will be 42 in June so if I don't conceive by December I think I am just going to not try anymore, but we will see. XOXOOX Thanks for caring :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

I really really hope it works for you. It would be lovely to have lots of rainbow baby bumps and for Ava to have a little brother or sister :hugs::hugs:

PS 42 isn't too old - my doctor said so! She said I have a good 10 years before I have to worry so you have 3 very long years left before you need to worry :happydance::thumbup:


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## SarahJane

PS Evelyn was nearly an Ava!


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## Andypanda6570

SarahJane said:


> PS Evelyn was nearly an Ava!

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## kam78

You girls are all remarkable!! 

Thank SarahJane for the recommendations for those books, I love to read so I'll definately look for them!

Andy, you are always such a blessing... even in your lowest of lows you are still a beautiful ray of sunshine... SarahJane was right, a sweetheart.. 

Thank you all for the chit chat, support & love... Don't know what I'd do without y'all!!!


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## glbell920

Kam, I'm like you. I scroll so fast through the other threads. The first time I was on the site I mistakenly clicked on second trimester instead of second trimester loss and read a few lines of one post about finally feeling the baby kick. I fell to pieces because it just reminded me that I didn't get the opportunity. So lesson learned. I have mastered the speedy scroll and I refuse to let my eyes focus until I get here.

I know for sure it is way too soon for me to seriously consider ttc. Besides the emotional aspect (fear) I still don't have any answers as to why my body keeps rejecting my babies. I don't feel comfortable even allowing myself to think about concieveing again since I don't know what my issue is and if it's something that can be helped to prevent another loss. I really don't think I could handle another loss. 

Besides that, my husband and I were never really on the same page as far as having children to begin with. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has two children (boy & girl) from a previous marriage. When we begin dating my daughter was 7. I had been a single mom. I had a wonderful daughter. I was looking forward to her growing up and regaining my freedom. I didn't expect to get married anytime soon and thought I would be okay with not having any more children since I would have to start all the way over after so many years. My husband was certain he didn't want anymore children so once we became serious we pretty much decided that we would raise the three we have and be done. Once we became engaged I had a change of heart. He was going to be my husband. I had this uncontrollable desire to create life with him and to have all the wonderful experiences of raising a child together.....one that was from the both of us. He didn't understand why it meant that much to me. All he wants is to get the kids out of the house. We had only been married 2 months and SURPRISE!!! I was pregnant. It was the happiest day for me. He wasn't so thrilled. It took him a while but he started to come around and accept it. Now that Gavin is gone...even if I decided I was ready to give it another try I know it's going to be a struggle getting my husband to agree. I just feel hopeless in that regard so I try not to think about it right now and just focus on getting healthy.

As of now I think it's best for me to wait another year. Maybe after Gavin's 1 year anniversary I will fight the TTC battle with my husband again. 

Good luck and God bless all of you who are ready and trying again. I hope with all my heart for the best and that you get your bouncy bundles of joy at the end.


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## kam78

Big Hugs to you glbell!!! :hugs:

You ARE a remarkable strong momma... I knew it :winkwink:

Each day is a life lesson AND each day we are blessed with the choice of how we tackle it :flower:


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