# Messy 13 yr old- HELP!!!!!!!



## seoj

My step daughter (who we have full time), has LOTS of space in our house. She has lots of drawers in your room, plus she has another room with a dresser in the closet to store more of her "stuff"... here is my thing, I'm a very organized and clean person (always have been- even as a child)- BUT she, of course, is NOT! lol. I get that's its normal to be messy as a kid- I was not the "norm"-- however, I was really frustrated to find her stuff just crammed into drawers with no regard. I found all her CDs piled on each other in a big clump in a drawer- several scratched or cases broken... papers squished into shelves, tons of the same thing (for example: lip gloss and chap stick) ALL over her room hidden in drawers and nooks- even though she just told us she had NONE?! I literally found about 30... most not even used. 

We had a long talk with her last night about the value of the stuff she seems to have no regards for... how she needs to take better care of her stuff and be more organized... etc... etc... 

But it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall when it comes to this type of thing- being responsible or organized. We've had this talk with her time and time again... because she loses things, or "forgets" and whenever it happens I would think she would learn a lesson, but then it just happens again????? 

She is a great kid- very smart (all A's in school), very sweet and loving, very social and outgoing... she has a lot of great qualities- but this flaky behavior is just on my last nerve lately. She's always been this way since I came into the picture (when she was just 9)... and I get it, I do. She's a teenager, and she has boys and school and yadda yadda on the mind and cleaning her room or taking good care of her stuff is not at the top of her priority list. 

Any suggestions? I don't know what else to say or do to get through. I finally just told her that the next time I find her room is such disarray... I would just take all her stuff out and she would have to earn it back!!!! lol. 

On top of all this- she get's WAY too much stuff from her nanny (hubbies mom) and her great aunt (her nanny's sister).... they shop way too much and have taught her to want things- but not value or appreciate the things she already has. Which is just another frustration level for me. My hubby has tried over the years (back when it was just him and his kid) to get them to understand and not go sooooo overboard, but it was like talking to a brick wall with them also. They wouldn't stop- and often he would just let it be to avoid conflict. As they tend to be opinionated - whether solicited or not. 

There is much more to it... and more than I can explain in a single post- LOL- but overall we are doing good. But we have our own stresses right now- and all these layers are building up and the last thing I want to do is explode on the kid... so any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated. 

Thanks :)


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## TattiesMum

I'm afraid that this is just how teen girls are Hon ... I've survived 2 of them and I know the kind of mess, chaos and actual dirt they can live with and be oblivious to :dohh::hugs::hugs:

In all honesty though my advice would be to allow her to keep her own space the way she wants to keep it ... she is at the age where she needs to be allowed some privacy, even if that means allowing her room to stay a pigsty :shrug:

Just shut the door and don't go in there if it really bothers you .... with teens there is so much stuff to argue and worry about - grades, boys, smoking, alcohol, drugs, friends :dohh: If you pick up on every single thing that she does to annoy you for the next 5 to 6 years then you are going to drive yourself mad and create a lot of resentment and bad feeling between you :(

Choose your arguments with her Hon ... pick what's *really* important and don't sweat the other stuff :hugs: In the grand scheme of things her room being a mess isn't morally indefensible or dangerous and she WILL grow out of it of her own accord eventually :flower: :hugs:


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## seoj

Thanks for the advise... I do get it- lol. But I also feel very strongly, as does my hubby, that there does need to be some order to her room... it doesn't have to be OUR idea of clean (as we are adults)- but growing up I had to keep my room clean, not that I ever really let it get too dirty... lol.. but my brother certainly did- and at one point, it became a fire hazard! I kid you not! lol- a lamp actually caught fire to the mess!!! So yeah, after that, our parents realized there was a line... 

And YES, it is her space, but it's still our house... I guess maybe I'm a bit more strict on that end. I do appreciate what your saying though- I do need to learn to let it go, to some extent and know she will grow out of it. But being that I'm a bit OCD and I actually have a physical reaction to mess... (which I'm working on and have learned to control with the daily things)... it's not always that easy. 

We do allow her to keep her room as she likes (mostly)- it's not even the mess that really got to me... but the disregard for even taking care of her things. Maybe because I cannot relate- it's harder for me to understand? lol. I will talk with her again tonight though- maybe ask her what she needs or how we can compromise?... the only reason I was even in her room at all was because she begged me to help her! I was going to just let her decide what to do with it... so I guess that back fired on her! lol. AND ME!!!

Just as a note- there would never be any bad feelings between us. We actually have a very close and loving relationship... in some ways we are too similar, cause when she is irritated with something I've done, she doesn't hold back either. lol. Not in a bad way at all- it's just we have always been able to sit down and talk things out-- I'm the only stable "mom" figure she's ever had. And she comes to me, before most (even her dad) for advise or guidance. So really, I have no concerns there ;) Of course we get on each others nerves at times- but most of the time not. It's just lately, with my own stresses at work and life, I've not had as much patients as I know I should... and I'd much rather vent here, than at home!!! ;)


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## nikkip75

I agree with tattiemum, you just have to learn to live with it unfortunately.

My daughter is 15 on Friday and her room is disgusting most of the time. I've been in there and blitzes it today cos we've got visitors this weekend otherwise 
all we ever seem to do is tell her to tidy her room! I've found plates inher drawers! And then she denies putting them there. I've found rotting apple cores, dirty underwear and a couple of weeks ago I even found a toad in hole she had cooked in school and bought home in a Tupperware containers in a bag under her bed, it was moldy! She moans when I give her clean bedding for her bed cos she would rather sleep in dirty bedding than change it. I stoped ironing her clothes months ago cos they were just getting stuffed into drawers anyway. I go in there every few days and open the windows otherwise they would never get opened and her blind would never be opened either! 

But she's clean in herself, she always makes sure her hairs done and take ages to pick something to wear (and dumps what's she's not wearing on the floor!)

I've give up now, it's not worth getting stressed over cos it doesnt change them, just gets you upset. My friends daughter is 20 and she's still the same!! 

Oh and if you do find a solution please let me know so I can give it a go! :lol:
:hugs:


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## seoj

Thanks for the advice ladies... but I'm not the "just live with it" type- haha. Sorry. 

I think I'll just chat with my kid tonight... she's a reasonable kid and we can always talk things out. I'm very lucky to have her... I guess there are LOTS worse things that she could be doing, lol... I'm sure we can come to a compromise that will make it easier for her and me! :) 

I have heard the 13-16 age is the toughest! So fingers crossed as I may need it when she hits high school next year! haha.


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## 3rdtimelucky

You could have wrote that about my daughter, only she is not yet a 

teenager, she is only 9!

She is unbelievable, had no regard for her stuff at all. It drives me NUTS!! Its

the only thing we argue about! Most of the time you cant even see the

carpet around her bed because of all her stuff all over the place. like your DD

her cds and dvds are all scrathed(sp) and I have told her I refuse to buy her 

any more until she learns to look after her stuff. I have lectured her about 

how there are little girls all over the world who have nothing, and would love

to have half the stuff she has, and admittidly she looks ashamed, but that 

only lasts a few hours, then she is back to her old messy ways! :nope

She shares a room with her 6 year old sister who is the total opposite. She 

loves cleaning, she likes to have her bed made and her stuff all organised,

she had a place for everything. One side of the room is spotless and the

other side is like a bomb or 3 has gone off in it :haha:

I have no advive, just wanted you to know you are not alone :flower:


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## cuteboots

Has my son been to visit, hes exactly the same (though doesnt have lipgloss lol), even the idea that she puts them in drawers impresses me, my son believes the floor is where things are all kept.
Its an ongoing argument, Im struggling to just live with it, I want my home clean and I mean all my home, he leaves his door open and wouldnt care who sees it, doesnt open blinds or windows, ive no solution, all im doing atm is cleaning it myself. He doesnt care about any of his property, no matter how much I explain it to him, OH says not to get him things but I cant do that, ive 2 other kids and if I buy for 1 I buy for them all. I cant stop buying for them because of him either.
If someone invents a magic wand for teenagers to be clean I'll be first in the lime for them.


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## seoj

cuteboots said:


> Has my son been to visit, hes exactly the same (though doesnt have lipgloss lol), even the idea that she puts them in drawers impresses me, my son believes the floor is where things are all kept.
> Its an ongoing argument, Im struggling to just live with it, I want my home clean and I mean all my home, he leaves his door open and wouldnt care who sees it, doesnt open blinds or windows, ive no solution, all im doing atm is cleaning it myself. He doesnt care about any of his property, no matter how much I explain it to him, OH says not to get him things but I cant do that, ive 2 other kids and if I buy for 1 I buy for them all. I cant stop buying for them because of him either.
> If someone invents a magic wand for teenagers to be clean I'll be first in the lime for them.

I mean, they make a remote for about EVERYTHING these days... can someone with great smarts invent one for KIDS!!! haha. I'd even be OK with her mess (just close the door) if I knew she was at least taking care of all the stuff we and her grandparents and family buy her ya know? But I guess that is just the age... I just cannot let it go though. haha. I think I may have scared her straight though when I told her last night that if I find broken stuff again, I'm going to take it all and ONLY return when she's earned it back... then maybe, just maybe she'll get it and if not, then it wasn't that important to begin with and it's off to good will!!!! muahaha... lol. Ok, maybe not... but some days it seems like a good option! :wacko:

I do feel strong that we need to instill these values at a young age- but it's tough these days with all the gismos and gadgets and "shiat!" that kids get and want and have... I mean sheesh, I was always very careful with my slinky and building blocks!!! HAHA. We did have her use her own money last xmas to get a Wii... and the entire family get's to use it. She will be able to take it with her when she moves out (if she still wants it- lol)- but we weren't about to buy her something THAT spendy only to have it disregarded after a week... she certainly does take better care of that though... hmmmmmm? hehe


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## cuteboots

Ive gone one step worse, ive actually binned it and it was never returned, dylan is so easy going even that wasnt a kick up the bum to him. Everything is left where it falls, and to make it worse hes a boy so has smelly feet, so if windows dont get opened by me I know the house would smell too, I swear my neighbours must be fed up with me shouting at him about it, I literally gutted it on saturday afternoon, by saturday evening it was as bad. My two year old understands tidy time and loves cleaning, I just wish some would rub off on dylan.


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## jo_79

My daughter is the same and she's only 10, her room is disgusting and i point blank refuse to keep tidying it up. She too has no respect for anything she has and just leaves it all lying around on the floor. Prime example recently is she lost about 10 DSI games as she wont put them back in their boxes. She panicked and realised she had lost them and was upset over it, so i told her thats why you put things away and take care of them. Then i found them in an old pencil case that she left in the babies room, so i gave them back to her saying she was lucky. I can pretty much guarantee if i went up there now they''d be lying around again. I talk/shout at her till im blue in the face but it just doesnt make any difference. Ive threatened to go up there with the vaccuum and suck up anything that is on the floor and it will be binned but she doesnt think anything of it GRRRRRRRRRRRRR I know its only going to get worse as she gets to teenage years too!


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## seoj

Thanks for the responses ladies- feels good to know I'm not alone. I do know this is a VERY common thing with kids... I guess being that I've always been a clean freak, lol, I just don't get why? haha. 

My brother was a messy child though and he did grow out of it... I remember my parents making him clean his room and it would literal take him HOURS cause of all the crap- then back to messy in no time flat. But as an adult- he is clean ;) Not as clean as ME, lol, but not many people are. I just hope that the lessons I teach her will sink in the older she gets!!! Or else I may never visit her when she moves out! LOL. I kid- sorta.


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## hopeandpray

I'm the same and I'm almost 20 :blush: :haha: I'm actually a complete nightmare when it comes to being messy and it drove my parents mental when I lived at home. Just try not to take it personally. It really doesn't mean that she doesn't have respect, understand the value of things etc. Even my favourite stuff the I work hard to buy somehow ends up shoved in drawers and then I get all upset when they get lost/broken :dohh: 
Only thing that I can think of is to embarrass her about it. It's the only thing that works with teens! A little cruel though


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## seoj

3rdtimelucky said:


> You could have wrote that about my daughter, only she is not yet a
> 
> teenager, she is only 9!
> 
> She is unbelievable, had no regard for her stuff at all. It drives me NUTS!! Its
> 
> the only thing we argue about! Most of the time you cant even see the
> 
> carpet around her bed because of all her stuff all over the place. like your DD
> 
> her cds and dvds are all scrathed(sp) and I have told her I refuse to buy her
> 
> any more until she learns to look after her stuff. I have lectured her about
> 
> how there are little girls all over the world who have nothing, and would love
> 
> to have half the stuff she has, and admittidly she looks ashamed, but that
> 
> only lasts a few hours, then she is back to her old messy ways! :nope
> 
> She shares a room with her 6 year old sister who is the total opposite. She
> 
> loves cleaning, she likes to have her bed made and her stuff all organised,
> 
> she had a place for everything. One side of the room is spotless and the
> 
> other side is like a bomb or 3 has gone off in it :haha:
> 
> I have no advive, just wanted you to know you are not alone :flower:

Yea, I feel your pain... this really is one of the few things we ever argue about. Well, not argue. I just tell her how it's going to be and she says she get's it... lol... But it never lasts for long... she does love it when I help her clean though, so sometimes I think it's just sheer laziness!!! lol. 

I guess if this is our worst complaint though, we should count ourselves lucky!!! haha.

Funny her sis is the opposite... I was the older one (my brother being 2 1/2 yrs younger) and I was the clean freak and he was the mess... but he did grow out of it... so... there's hope!!!


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## 3rdtimelucky

Yes we should probably count our blessings, because I know my DD is the perfect daughter in every other way, she is polite and loving, and has good school reports and is never in trouble in school... But as the old saying goes. "nobodys perfect" 

Guess we will just have to live with our messy kids and hope to God they grow out of it! :winkwink:


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## seoj

hopeandpray said:


> I'm the same and I'm almost 20 :blush: :haha: I'm actually a complete nightmare when it comes to being messy and it drove my parents mental when I lived at home. Just try not to take it personally. It really doesn't mean that she doesn't have respect, understand the value of things etc. Even my favourite stuff the I work hard to buy somehow ends up shoved in drawers and then I get all upset when they get lost/broken :dohh:
> Only thing that I can think of is to embarrass her about it. It's the only thing that works with teens! A little cruel though


LOL- well, she actually doesn't embrass easily. haha. We could tease her about it all we want, even in front of her friends or even... "boys!" lol... but she would just be like, yup, that's me! haha. Which is a great trait- but not when we should be able to embarass her to get her to clean her room! haha. 

Oh well- we helped her finish today, and she promised to try to do better and I promised to let the little messes go... so we'll see how that works for a bit ;) hehe. aaaah teenagers!!! 

thanks for your input :)


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## TattiesMum

nikkip75 said:


> I agree with tattiemum, you just have to learn to live with it unfortunately.
> 
> My daughter is 15 on Friday and her room is disgusting most of the time. I've been in there and blitzes it today cos we've got visitors this weekend otherwise
> all we ever seem to do is tell her to tidy her room! I've found plates inher drawers! And then she denies putting them there. I've found rotting apple cores, dirty underwear and a couple of weeks ago I even found a toad in hole she had cooked in school and bought home in a Tupperware containers in a bag under her bed, it was moldy! She moans when I give her clean bedding for her bed cos she would rather sleep in dirty bedding than change it. I stoped ironing her clothes months ago cos they were just getting stuffed into drawers anyway. I go in there every few days and open the windows otherwise they would never get opened and her blind would never be opened either!
> 
> But she's clean in herself, she always makes sure her hairs done and take ages to pick something to wear (and dumps what's she's not wearing on the floor!)
> 
> I've give up now, it's not worth getting stressed over cos it doesnt change them, just gets you upset. My friends daughter is 20 and she's still the same!!
> 
> Oh and if you do find a solution please let me know so I can give it a go! :lol:
> :hugs:

LOL .... I had to laugh reading this because I recognised all of it!! :dohh::haha: I used to make my girls 'muck out' their room when I ran out of plates, bowls and mugs downstairs because they were all breeding some kind of culture in their bedroom - a laboratory scientist would have had a field day in there :wacko:

I too gave up on ironing their stuff ... I was not going to spend hours on it for it all to be stuffed into drawers and cupboards willy nilly or just dumped on the floor :dohh: I even gave up on their washing in the end because they would go into a mad frenzy of trying stuff on and drop clean discarded clothes onto the floor with dirty ones - so I was washing stuff that had never been worn :dohh:

The girls aren't too bad now that they have had their own houses to keep clean - even the one that's back home seems to have learned lessons from her time away. My 17 year old son though is pretty bad but again I just shut the door on it and ignore .... It was hard to do at first but I've got used to it now


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## Chantibug

i agree with tattiesmum 100%! I was that messy teen and my mom was always on my case about cleaning up... so much to the point that I purposely left it a mess! However, when I moved into my first apartment , remarkably I kept it super tidy! 
I def. think she needs privacy, and you gotta pick your battles. If this is the biggest problem, you're lucky at this age... I was doing far worse at 14. 
On a note about storage outside of her room... If it bothers you she has so much stuff, maybe get rid of that storage option and make her keep it ALL contained in HER room... ?


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## Chantibug

PS one thing I would NEVER accept is dirty dishes and food trash in the room... That brings in the bugs, yuck! (we have a no food/drink outside of the kitchen/dining room rule)


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## seoj

Chantibug said:


> PS one thing I would NEVER accept is dirty dishes and food trash in the room... That brings in the bugs, yuck! (we have a no food/drink outside of the kitchen/dining room rule)

Oh for sure- food is not allowed up stairs- so that's never an issue... we actually went through her room together and got it all cleared out. As Xmas is coming soon, we needed to make room! lol. There is too much stuff for her one room- there are lots of storage containers with pens, art crafts etc... all that is kept in the "kid room"- where the TV and video games etc are used... so she has her one extra dresser in that closet for additional storage. 

So far, since we cleaned it's been pretty good- I think it's just over time she isn't careful with her stuff and loses it- and that's really when it get's frustrating for me- if she's messy, fine, she does clean her room when asked- but keep track of your stuff! lol. Cause then when she does lose it she comes crying to us... and then all I can say is "well, should have been more organized"... I'm sure it's something she'll grow out of as she get's older. Again just a bit hard for me to relate as I was never like that. lol. But I get that's out of the 'norm'- ;)


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## KidneyBeans

My 11 (almost 12) yo daughter is the same way if we let it get that way. She could care less how messy, or how much it smells, or anything. 

Because we're a large family, if one room gets that way, inevitably, they all will. 

So, we've instituted a morning and night time quick pick up. They take about 10 or 15 minutes to pick up any dirty clothes, tidy up their desk, etc.

It has helped *maintain* the mess, and maintenance is half the battle. 

With your daughter, you'll have to take a few days to clean everything up. If my children haven't worn clothes in 6 months, they go in a bin in the garage. We use them for hand-me-downs and this helps keep them "fresher" than if they were to stay stuffed in the corner of a drawer. 

If I walk into a room and there are clothes, books, etc on the floor, I pick them up and throw them into a bin I have. The child or children have to earn them back by doing little chores around the house.

These things aren't necessities. Well, clothes are, but not the extra clothes that they throw on the floor without a care. 

Call me strict, mean, anal, whatever. All I know is it works, and your teens room doesn't *have* to be that way.


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## morri

Maybe you should offer(or rather threat) to come and clean up, at least I hated it when my mum came in to my room tidy up because of all the stuff she could find :haha:
(papers from school mostly :haha:)and ask about..


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## seoj

morri said:


> Maybe you should offer(or rather threat) to come and clean up, at least I hated it when my mum came in to my room tidy up because of all the stuff she could find :haha:
> (papers from school mostly :haha:)and ask about..

Already done that! lol. But actually, she likes it when I come help clean her room... haha... she's not the typical 13 yr old girl in that sense! I guess it's a matter of trial and error with each kid...


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## seoj

I have a new method I'm trying and so far so good... she is limited on her text msgs she can use each month (even though we have the unlimited plan- we still have parental controls on her cell)... so I made an agreement with her that if I only have to ask her to do something once (i.e. pick up a dish, or clean her room, or what have you)- instead of asking a zillion times because she keeps "forgetting" lol- then she can earn more texts each month... 

She can earn up to 100 more a week (then I add them to her total at the end of each month for the next cycle)-- so far, it's been fabulous! lol. This way it's something she can earn and seems to motivate her more... 

For each day she goes without being asked to do something twice, she earns a set # of text. At the end of the month, whatever she has earned get's added to her total for the next month. She has to do this each month to keep it going... plus we got her a calendar to track her progress and it's her responsibility to mark off the days she does well. so she has to come and ask us if she can mark that day off- she has times she loses track or forgets to ask us- haha- but it's worked pretty well thus far overall ;) 

I guess motivation was the key with her! Hope it continues to go well... :)


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## LuvBeingAMum

WoW wish it was easy always though with teens.......well done for finding something that works for you..........i get scik to the back teeth of asking the kids (mainly the 13yr old that growls like a freaking dog everytime you ask her to do something for you) to the point where i usually end up doing it myself or not at all and then the mess spreads around the house before you know it. I was always scared of my mum if shje told me to do something i wouldnt dare say no cos i knew the shouting at i would get otherwise! Why dont they care these days??:cry::wacko:


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## seoj

LuvBeingAMum said:


> WoW wish it was easy always though with teens.......well done for finding something that works for you..........i get scik to the back teeth of asking the kids (mainly the 13yr old that growls like a freaking dog everytime you ask her to do something for you) to the point where i usually end up doing it myself or not at all and then the mess spreads around the house before you know it. I was always scared of my mum if shje told me to do something i wouldnt dare say no cos i knew the shouting at i would get otherwise! Why dont they care these days??:cry::wacko:

That for sure would be tough hun... all kids are different and what works for one may not work for another. 
 
I've always had to try this or that before I found what worked for her... it's certainly NOT easy being a good parent and following through with rules. It's very tough at times actually... but I've noticed if I stick with it- no matter how frustrating it may be for a bit, it does get better... and works out great in the long run. 

Ah parenthood... lol. Best of luck to us all! hehe.


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