# A Single Father Fighting for His Daughter!



## FathersRights

I have a situation that I find amazingly appalling that exists in our judicial system today with regard to Family Cases and establishment of paternity and time sharing with children. I am in pursuit to see what the public opinion is and to hopefully glean perspective, as I feel I have almost found the end of my road to ascertain any affect. What keeps my determination of driving forward, despite the overwhelming obstacles, is that I have garnered so much love for my daughter and certainly she deserves a father who would never give up on her. Nor would I ever want to look her in the eyes one day and have to answer the questions of Why did you give up? or Did you not love me enough?, etc

Here is the story: I am a father now of a beautiful 4 month old little girl. Since being told by her mother via text she was pregnant, to whom I was never married but in a relationship for about 4 years, the course proved to be an unfortunate struggle of learning how to circumvent an empowered mothers control to have a close relationship with my daughter. The control stems mostly from desired retaliation from our previous relationship, which was mutually (supposedly) found to be not working. I have been faced with one vengeful act after another, from keeping me in the waiting room for the duration of the doctor appointments I was allowed to attend, to denying me any say in my daughters name, and so on. I have endured countless acts of inexcusable behavior all because she knows how committed I am to taking the ownership and responsibility of being a father to my child and she has the security of knowing I am not going anywhere. Therefore, she has comfort in knowing she can treat me however without the fear that I would abandon. When she was admitted into the hospital about 3 weeks before the birth due to further complications, instead of notifying me, I find out she put herself under an alias name (after her repeated promise of notifying me of the birth) so that I wouldnt find out until I was called 4 hours after the C-section. I later found out that the court documents to establish child support was filed the morning of her birth by her attorney an hour before I was ever even called letting me know my little girl had been born. Unbelievable! The whole while I have been determined to put my daughter above my own selfish desire but how do you affect anything when you are powerless?

With every step and turn I have taken, Im left finding the same closed doors found previous. The courts, of course, when there is disagreement and unwillingness to amicably resolve, ends up being a long drawn out process especially when the others counsel knows how to work every stall tactic to their favor. As it stands now, by the time this case is heard my daughter will be well over a year old.

I have done quite a lot of research with regard to early childhood development and have found based on the attachment theory, decades of research, the critical time for establishing a secure bond with a child is most successful within the ages of 3 to 12 months with overnights being crucial. Im starting to see a trend, where fathers are being recognized as being a vital part and role for their children in the private sector; however, it seems its still a long way from any significant changes in the courts despite now knowing its truly in the best interest of our children! How does a father that genuinely aches to have a close relationship with his daughter ensure she has the opportunity to bond, when the mother is doing everything she can to prevent that from happening? Our daughter deserves both parents to have the opportunity to establish the close and meaningful bond and relationship that is imperative for her ongoing comfort and security when spending time with either parent. Mediation proved no help as it lasted about 10 minutes with her offering visits with no specific times (specified as both parties agreeing) and no overnights for 3 years to then follow with every other weekend and 1 dinner a week, which in turn was obviously rejected and only led to her attorney moving to impasse and state See you in court! After being completely kept from seeing my daughter for a month, I pursued an emergency hearing to force my ability to see her. When that motion was sent to opposing counsel they conceded to 1 day a week unsupervised visitation to prevent the hearing from being honored, to which no surprise was denied when that 1 day a week was established. I am amazed at her behavior and how it is even allowed, but like I said from the beginning I press on because my daughter deserves that.

Fathers, where are you? Im told Im less than 1% when it comes to an unwed father fighting for his rights because Im fighting so hard to be involved, I find that hard to believe. When looking into the eyes of my little girl I cant imagine there arent other fathers who wouldnt be willing to sacrifice all for the good of their child as well. I can see why some fathers would consider wanting to give up because it is much cheaper, less stress, and certainly easier. But it shouldnt be that we, as fathers, have to sacrifice and fight so hard to have what is already ours! Of course understanding that also we, as fathers, step up to the plate and take the full responsibility of rearing our children as well! I am fully willing and capable to love, nurture, care for, and give my daughter everything she requires, why is it so hard to be granted that right? Its already proven that for the best possible outcome and to develop a well rounded adult it takes both a father and mother, or equivalent if not fit, contributing their own attributes to their child. We need to band together for the good of our children so they have what is best! Im angered for my little girl that she is missing out on having her father be there to protect her from the inevitable pain she will endure when she learns that her mother kept her away from her father.

My reason for writing this blog is for:

1. Wanting to gain perspective and opinion on our current family/judicial system in place and how it allows a mother to be so empowered to keep a child from their father, and

2. I would like to hear your suggestions and opinions as it relates to my situation as well.

I am merely and humbly a father who desires to be a good daddy to his little girl!

Thank you for your interest!


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## ginma

I am sorry that you are going through this, I can't imagin ever doing that to my boys father, it isn't fair to them or him. Wish I had some advise for you...Good luck and don't give up!


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## purpledahlia

I think you shoudl send that into a newspaper or something!! 

can you have a word with my daughters father?! :rofl: 

but seriously, well done you. You are in a minority and its true it shouldnt be like that, good luck, sorry u got lumbered with a woman who has been so cruel, she has clearly got issues with you and is taking it out the only way she has power over and thats the child, which isnt fair!!!


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## anna matronic

Hi, I can;t really give you any advice at all. What I will say though is that I have met some women in my life who have used their child to get at their previous partner (sometimes as a revenge tactic) I think it is one of the most dispicible things a woman can do personally, to refuse their child a father (for no reason I mean, bar pure selfishness)

My own situation is that I am not with the father of my child. In fact as yet I haven't told him, not because I am being selfish, but one I am totally shitting myself and mainly I am waiting for my scan to drop the 'bombshell'

Either way, I want to give him the choice about being involved with our child. We both made it, but I alone chose to keep it, without discussing it with him. If he wants to play an active role then we will sort that out, if he doesn't, well I believe that is his loss and my baby will be well loved whatever.

Don't give up whatever you do no matter how hard and stressful and pointles it may seem sometimes xxx


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## bloodbinds

That is a really nice story, and thank you for sharing it with us.

However i can't help but wonder what the Mothers side to this story might be?

Though my daughters father has never come to visit her, despite me asking several times for him to just spend a couple of hours with her, he did how ever, go to court to see his first daughter with another woman. Apprently he battled for her and won in the end but only got 4 hours with her every 2 weeks.

It wasn't until after we broke up that i found out why he wasn't allowed to see his daughter, because the Mother had serious doubts at his ability of parenting, because he did a lot of drugs, was an angry person and she didn't know how safe her daughter would be with him alone.

For ages i thought he was the wronged party, until i had a child of my own and realised i would not be letting him see my daughter alone for a good while, until he can prove himself capable.


So good luck, i hope it all works out for you, even though i am positive there is probably another side to this story.

But you are right, every child has a right to know and be loved by both their parents, which is the main reason i'm still trying to get Bellas father to see her no matter what his faults.


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## Laura2919

Its actually nice to see a father fight for their child rather than just give up and get on their way! 
I dont have this problem as me and my ex partner have come to an agreement in which he has Chloe and Jaycee twice a week, Once on his day off and one day at the weekend!

He only has them overnight if I asked and to be honest its rare, I like them to be at home in their proper bedroom with me. 

I dont really have any advice. The law over here favours the mother too more so if you arent married. 

I do believe however that what your ex partner is doing is wrong, However much I dislike my ex partner there is no way I would risk affecting my girls futures because of that. 

Hope you get some rights somewhere!


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## lou_w34

I agree it is nice to see a dad fighting to see his child, You could teach a thing or two to most of our fathers to our babies.

I dont think there are many male opinions on this part of the forum, i think there is one single dad around who has custody of his son, so maybe you could talk to him?

Good luck!

xx


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## littlekitten8

Wow you write very well. Its refreshing to see a father actually fighting for his rights as a father and being able to articulate himself so well. Obviously I can't comment particularly on your situation as I am not aware of her reasoning behind denying access but it would appear from what you have written that she is holding a grudge and is just using your daughter as a weapon, which in my eyes is unacceptable. FOB in my case is making no effort to see his son so I have suggested mediation to him as he hasn't seen his son for almost 4 months and James is not good with strangers. However thus far, no contact so we will see. Keep fighting, and please keep us updated with what is going on.


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## frankyzw

If all FOBSs were like you, wouldn't the world be a better place. I have no advice but wish you well.


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## AnnabelsMummy

I Read this, and couldn't just leave.. 
Good luck, i was brought up in a single perant family.. i hope it works out in best favour for your little girl! 
just make sure neither of you bring her into this - it is something that becomes very hard for a child to deal with 
xx


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## jamielou

I agree with the others that it's very nice to see a father fighting for his child. Agree with another poster you could send this in somewhere to! I don't have much good advice but wanted to say my mum left me when i was 10 and didn't come back till i was 12 and made me choose bewteen her and my dad, obviously chose my dad as she did a bunk and can say i've grown into a fine adult with a great relationship with my dad and dont think dads get another praise sometimes xx


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## emilyjade

id just like to say my dad was married to my mum and he won full custody over me and my brother 9 times at a court and he won 9 times so it can go in the fathers favour, however my story is alot different than yours but its too long too write. but i hope you get the justice u really need and want. so good luck and keep us updated :) x


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## LilBean2010

I will begin by saying there are two sides two every story and I really do wonder what "her side" would be. To register under an alias name is not as simple as it sounds, and it involves a lot of legal maneuvering as it relates to the child's birth certificate, so I imagine she would "say" she had a reason to take such a drastic measure. 

As far as your rights...few if not no courts will grant overnights to the non-custodial parent of a child under the age of two. Some more liberal courts say one year of age, but most all psychologists agree children thrive on the security and safety of a "primary care taker" and will not tolerate long or even semi-extended seperations from the person who has become their primary care giver. I understand you are trying to become a "primary care taker" but children really do need the security of knowing their home, their routine, etc in the infant and early childhood years. Is your ex breastfeeding? If so, that will be used as another reason for not allowing extended seperation until after at least 1 year of age. 

As a woman who grew up without a father from age 10 on - I would encourage you to stay the course and be as involved as you can but I would also advise that making it "nasty" and so on will cause a lot of resentment from the child in her later years. My parents kept it civil until I was 10 and at that time, my father remarried, it got nasty and he walked away. I have not seen him in 16 years!!! I hold both my parents responsible and I believe they could have come to terms with an agreeable situation for everyone. 

I hope, for your sake as well as your ex, but most importantly for your daughter that you are able to find a common ground and agree to a parenting plan that will allow everyone to be as involved as they want to be and keep peace and harmony for your little one.


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## daniellelk

Hi, sorry haven't got time to to a proper reply, my OH is currently fighting for his right's to see his now 20month old daughter! Whom he has not seen since she was a week old. 
I'm in the thick of it, if you ever want to talk to either of us, feel free to inbox me. He doesn't use this, tho i'm sure he would email, as he know's no one in the same situation and most of his dependency is on me.


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## FathersRights

First and foremost, I want to say thank you to all who have responded, as right now any perspective and encouragement is greatly appreciated and I can say I have never needed it more with all life has thrown my way than now. One would think I walked right into the middle of the Lions Den by posting my story on this site, (lol) :) however, I truly do appreciate and welcome the perspective. So again thank you! Let me say now that I apologize for the length of this response, however, I feel it important that it be evident I have done my research and that I am stating facts more so then just my feelings. Considering the mind and the development of a child as a whole is hard to quantify, I would say it seems in psychology and psychoanalysis there are a substantial amount of opinion base conclusions as opposed to hard factual and scientific evidence. That being said I appreciate and admire the many countless hours and years devoted to research and those opinions that are left to help aid us in better understanding and decisions.

I respect your inquiries and certainly I agree there is always 2 sides to every story, and of course, I feel certain she will justify her reasons for making the decisions she has made and quite honestly, I would love to hear her reasons and her side of the story as well. Perhaps then I would have some level of understanding as to why she is making the decisions she is, because even I dont know for sure why. It is believed by many people including those who know her that she is still in love with me and because Im not asking her to marry me considering our situation (as I feel a child is not the reason to be together) then this is her way of getting back at me. Perhaps that is the case but I will just chalk that up to a possible scenario. I cannot imagine she would be willing to give her side, however, without airing all our relationship issues I will bring to light the greater mishap that created the mistrust which all started with infidelity, and no I was not the one that was unfaithful. Allow me to give some background on myself which might be helpful for you to better understand me. I am originally from Birmingham, Alabama, was an officer in the military and flew the Apache in the Army for 11 years, have a good family background, Im a well grounded person with no history of any drugs, abuse of any kind, or anything of that nature. I am an even tempered and laid back person and you would find it takes a lot for me to be angered. I teach childrens church and have always had a love for children which is why I committed my summers since I was 12 years old to teaching 5 day clubs to children. I have kept myself and my reputation clean and it has everything to do with my upbringing. The worst I have against me is a traffic citation. I would like to think I am a well rounded person who can have foresight enough to think about my actions and their effects to prevent such behavior as Im enduring. Of course, it would be difficult for you to really get to know my character within an online forum, without actually getting to know me personally. Its as if this is my resume and you have to base your impression of me on what is presented. Not plausible to think you would have enough to assess my character, to know if I am a genuine person or not, and that I am one that does truly have the concern of my daughter in the forefront. In much the same way how is a Judge, in just a few short hours, supposed to derive my character enough to substantiate a significant decision that is, more cases then not, a biased decision to affect the rest of my daughters life and how our relationship will be allowed to be fostered. At this point, all I can say is that I am what I portray myself to be and you have to choose to accept that or not. Getting back to my ex and my relationship, I decided to stay and work things out with her, and the insecurities that were created only further manifested the mistrust and created a constant stressful and smothering environment for both of us, which is why we mutually (again supposedly) agreed it was not working and ended the relationship. That being said, of course I would never acclaim to being perfect and I certainly I had my contributions to lend to the relationship issues. No matter the past relationship shortcomings I can say with complete confidence and surety there was nothing from either side that would be reason to believe the other is not capable or fit to be a parent to our child under the history of our past relationship. Our relationship issues were just that, our relationship issues, and her reasons for her behavior are 100% believed to be due to spite and desire to hurt me and I will use her words verbatim, I want you to hurt like I have hurt. It appears, based on that statement, she isnt affording the reality that I did hurt, and hurt greatly, because of her actions in the relationship. However, that is the past and I am very willing to leave it there because our daughter does not deserve to be placed in the middle of our mistakes. Again how does one affect a situation such as this when they are powerless?

I believe that our system stems from a long history of precedence to be reason Fathers, like myself, in a very changed world from the earlier days, still face great adversity. Taking a look back at history, through the 19th century, common law jurisdictions like the United States, United Kingdom, and Australia did not recognize custody rights in mothers. If parents divorced, the father almost always got custody, thus women did not divorce their husbands largely because they would lose their children, and so they were stuck. In the 20th Century, courts reversed this situation when psychiatrists and psychologists claimed children of tender years needed to be with their mothers. This was called the Tender Years Doctrine, which generally gave mothers custody of their children. By the late 20th century, courts had modified this rule realizing its flaw and usually gave custody then to the custodial parent, or parent who had cared for the child during the marriage. The idea was to be more gender-neutral and afford both parents the opportunity to be considered in who would be best for the child as the custodial parent. Now, of course, children out of wedlock are presenting an unprecedented increase and Fathers in these situations are not even considered until brought to court if there is unwillingness to resolve and with the amount of time that transpires before it can even get to court the Mother has been able to procure the time with the child as reason to be given that primary consideration when the Father had no rights to even have the chance to be involved. 

I also feel, without getting into autonomy laws, societal stereo types predicate Mother's as being the parent who should be sole care and decision base for infants and children which lends great influence to this precedence. We as a society have been fashioned into this mold and as a mass we want to fit into what society dictates as being normal and so it was. That being the typical role considers that Fathers are the bread winners and Mothers take care of children. Research these days proves quite contraire, as Im sure you may be aware of all the research proving otherwise, however, that research still doesnt seem to be of any help in changing the here and now and adding any influence to the current system. Don't get me wrong though, certainly I know that behavioral and personality traits lend to the stereo types and for the normal family type relationship it does fit, however, for the "outside of the box" types it does not.

In todays time there are plenty of Fathers now that have proven they can care for an infant and handle that responsibility just as well, nothing against Mothers of course. Some Father's are not the only ones that have proven should be kept away from their children due to being unfit; likewise, there are plenty of Mother's that are not fit as well. Children in the long run become a much more rounded individual and better adults with better relationship skills, which again research has proven, by having both parents or at least, a Father and Mother figure if the biological parents are unfit, in their life. Obviously the outcome is solely indicative of the quality of parenting, which there isnt any court or research that could foretell that in any individuals case other than Social and Custodial Evaluations and Investigations that already exist which help in determining aptitude but again it is not conclusive.

LilBean2010, when you make the statement that psychologists agree that children thrive on the security and safety of a primary care taker and will not tolerate long or even semi-extended separations from the person who has become their primary care giver. First off, I would really like to see and know where you are drawing these conclusions, as I would love to research further into the findings, however, for now I will inquire the implied statement being that, an infant is not capable of feeling security and safety with the other parent or more so with 2 parents in separate homes, routines, etc So then are you saying that an infant can only feel security with 1 primary care taker? Is it to be believed that an infant cannot develop a since of norm based on what that norm is, that is introduced? Would it stand to reason that if an infant is placed on a schedule of feedings every 3 hours starting at 7am from birth could not at 6 months learn to adapt to a different schedule? I think so and furthermore I would strongly believe that an infant can adapt to their homes and their routines if that is what is introduced as the norm for the child. Im sure your experience would suggest that children can adapt to routines and schedules being what are set in place as that routine and schedule. If an infant is not allowed that opportunity to learn the normal routines at each home then by the time the allowed overnights occur 1, 2, 3+ years later you have the induced security that has already been established. The child has learned only to look to that one care taker for their sense of security and then what happens when the child wakes in the middle of the night and that other parent runs to their aid and its not that parent who has been given the right to be established as a care taker. Now the child is of age to have awareness, able to assess their situation more, and have feelings of abandonment and the other parent cannot provide that comfort because it was never established. The child can not feel that sense of comfort and security because it has never been the norm and that is where I completely agree they thrive on that security and safety thus being reason it needs to be established for both parents early on. Even the court guidelines here in Florida call for Fathers to have overnights with infants 0-6 months of age because its important toward establishing that bond, however, like I mentioned in my original message, it is taking much longer than 6 months to get to court so ultimately we, my daughter and me, miss out on that opportunity because she has the power to do so. 

Over the better part of the last century, because of mothers being that predominant care taker there has been little opportunity to research Fathers affect on assuming that role, however, in the last decade Fathers involvement has been on the climb because of now being given that opportunity with the change of the Tender Years Rule. If you take a child that is the byproduct of a Fathers rearing and a Mothers rearing you will find they are both developed with the attributes rendered from that parent. Obviously personality is affected by influence but overall you will find they have fully developed traits. Now, if I may ask, would the outcome be different if the child had the equivalent influence of both a Father and Mother, or the role of either replaced by an equivalent if the biological parent is not present? Absolutely! The development would be a more rounded and better balanced adult and that can be seen by research but honestly it doesnt take research to figure that one out. Certainly, not to say that a child who was only raised by a Mother or only raised by a Father is not a well rounded evenly balanced adult, just given the same child with the circumstance to have both parents, more cases than not, would lend to a more overall better outcome (again with the disclaimer that the quality of the outcome will always be indicative to the quality of parenting). Please understand there will always be extreme circumstances and, of course, there are thousands of variables you could throw into discussion to be reason to debate this till dooms day. I am saying all this under the pretense that both figures, Father and Mother, are fit and fully willing and capable of being good parents to their child/children. 

That now brings me to what I would consider to be the most important aspect of all I have covered and it goes all the way back to the beginning, that being, a sexual relationship. I physical and sexual relationship is a 2 way street that is a decision made by both parties involved otherwise it constitutes as "Rape" and would then be classified under Criminal not Family Law and the rules would then certainly be different. When there is consensual sex there should not be preferential dictation that all decisions be made unilaterally until the other party has proven and established that paternity. A process that takes significant time through an arduous system that ultimately severely hampers the other parents ability to garner a close secure relationship/bond with their child, if the other empowered parent is not extending amicable resolve and prevents and precludes the other parent, which is absolutely not in the best interest of the child. Otherwise, there are sperm banks that could be pursued to have a child if your solely looking to be a single parent. It is a proven and known fact that women think more emotionally, especially in these kinds of circumstances. With serious decisions on the line, such as my daughters wellbeing and time-sharing opportunities that will affect my relationship with her, being made from an emotional and overprotective state (which she has already alluded to as being one of her weaknesss) is truly not factoring in what is best for my daughter, such as the need for both parents being equally involved in her development. Ultimately my daughter suffers and because the laws are currently set up the way they are, there is nothing a Father can do about it. 

There should, however, be more physical responsibility on the couple who consensually decides to engage in intercourse and if there be reason, that introducing a child into the equation would be placing that child into a harmful situation, then the right decision is to not be with that person in any physical manor in the first place. With the way it is currently arranged a Mother has the capability of 100% control and decision making to be reason to make a checklist of what the Father has to be and do before they will allow their involvement or more so unsupervised involvement. A Father is then forced to be accountable to the Mother on her terms when the opposite is certainly not the case unless there is serious, and I mean, of course, you know that it has to be, SERIOUS, abandonment or unfit reasons why the Mother could or would not have the child and all the rights from the beginning, especially in an unwed circumstance. This type of arrangement is only further giving reason for Fathers to walk away and not deal because it is a losing fight. This has got to change because not every Father is obviously willing to fight this hard or more so put up with the riffraff just to have a relationship with their child. I just so happen to be one that puts great importance on having a relationship with my daughter, and because ultimately she had nothing to do with the reason she was brought into this world and she absolutely does not deserve to be subject to her parents mistakes.

If you made it all the way through this exhaustive response, then pat yourself on the back because you certainly deserve it! :) Again thank you for your interest!

- Kevin


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## Janidog

You talk about the rights of the fathers and how they should be allowed over night stays when the baby is between 0-6months, maybe you should ask the single mums on here how they would feel about it, im sure they would not be so agreeable, especially when you have not carried your child for 9months been through the worry of something happening and the going through labour, then after all this you are expecting your ex to bend over backwards so that you can have your baby over night when your baby is so young. If my husband and i should divorce before my child is born then he most certainly wont be having him over night so early on and thats not out of spite, its more out of concern for the childs welfare. Unless you have a reasonable agreed schedule then its not going to work. 

By expecting the law to change for fathers then it will leave a lot of single mums in a very awkward positions, the law is there to protect the child and mothers and fathers rights are secondary.

What would you expect mothers who are breastfeeding to do?

Im aware that there are some single mothers who will use their children to punish the fathers, but you must understand that not all single mums are like that, and you must be aware that there are thousands of fathers who really couldnt care less about providing for their children leaving the mothers to have to do things on her own.


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## lou_w34

Janidog said:


> You talk about the rights of the fathers and how they should be allowed over night stays when the baby is between 0-6months, maybe you should ask the single mums on here how they would feel about it, im sure they would not be so agreeable, especially when you have not carried your child for 9months been through the worry of something happening and the going through labour, then after all this you are expecting your ex to bend over backwards so that you can have your baby over night when your baby is so young. If my husband and i should divorce before my child is born then he most certainly wont be having him over night so early on and thats not out of spite, its more out of concern for the childs welfare. Unless you have a reasonable agreed schedule then its not going to work.
> 
> By expecting the law to change for fathers then it will leave a lot of single mums in a very awkward positions, the law is there to protect the child and mothers and fathers rights are secondary.
> 
> What would you expect mothers who are breastfeeding to do?
> 
> Im aware that there are some single mothers who will use their children to punish the fathers, but you must understand that not all single mums are like that, and you must be aware that there are thousands of fathers who really couldnt care less about providing for their children leaving the mothers to have to do things on her own.

I also agree with this, as much as i would love my lo to have an active father figure, i still would not allow overnight visits straight away, especially as i am breastfeeding.

But as he never bothers to turn up i dont have to worry about that yet.

Its not fair that you are being punished though, and you should be allowed contact with your daughter.

xx


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## hypnorm

FathersRights said:


> Even the court guidelines here in Florida call for Fathers to have overnights with infants 0-6 months of age because its important toward establishing that bond, however, like I mentioned in my original message, it is taking much longer than 6 months to get to court so ultimately we, my daughter and me, miss out on that opportunity because she has the power to do so.

Just for an example, what about breastfeeding mothers? If the mother is feeding on demand then an overnight stay would not be an option, with out the mother being there, or expressing enough milk to cover over night feeds.. which in some cases is NOT easy.
Also my daughter WOULD NOT take any form of bottles, or forumlaand would only accept breast.. so how would you get over that? with out stressing the baby and probably the mother out.


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## mummy3

You enforce overnight visits for fathers at the 0-6m age and you risk lowering bfing rates in single mums! There is no way I would have agreed to overnight visits for dd1 for that reason, It is hard work pumping and that along with nipple confusion would have made it very difficult!

To be honest, I can tell your hurting but I also feel you are being incredibly selfish here. I agree that if a father wants to be involved then it should be easier for him to be but I think you need to think about what is best for the BABY!

There are a lot of reasons why a relationship breaks down, and I feel for you, but I think you may need to be a bit more realistic. :flower:


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## scottishgal89

hiya :hi:
well done for posting this in here!
i wish my baby's dad cared in the way you do.
i think the way your ex has been with you isnt fair- not letting you have a say in the name etc. even though my ex abused me, treated me like crap and couldnt care less i still gave him a say in things like that- maybe that makes me a pushover right enough.
he also knew when i was being induced even though he wasnt at birth and i phoned him after she'd arrived so i think all of that is unreasonable to be honest!
whats happening with the court thing at the moment? next steps etc?
i would agree with the other girls that overnight would have to come over time.
i really hope u work something out.
i think my ex is going to take me to court as i stopped contact but there were many reasons for that and if he genuinely cared about my daughter, we wouldnt be in this position.
xx


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## scottishgal89

Janidog said:


> You talk about the rights of the fathers and how they should be allowed over night stays when the baby is between 0-6months, maybe you should ask the single mums on here how they would feel about it, im sure they would not be so agreeable, especially when you have not carried your child for 9months been through the worry of something happening and the going through labour, then after all this you are expecting your ex to bend over backwards so that you can have your baby over night when your baby is so young. If my husband and i should divorce before my child is born then he most certainly wont be having him over night so early on and thats not out of spite, its more out of concern for the childs welfare. Unless you have a reasonable agreed schedule then its not going to work.
> 
> By expecting the law to change for fathers then it will leave a lot of single mums in a very awkward positions, the law is there to protect the child and mothers and fathers rights are secondary.
> 
> What would you expect mothers who are breastfeeding to do?
> 
> Im aware that there are some single mothers who will use their children to punish the fathers, but you must understand that not all single mums are like that, and you must be aware that there are thousands of fathers who really couldnt care less about providing for their children leaving the mothers to have to do things on her own.

couldnt have said it better myself :thumbup:


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## genkigemini

:hi: I agree with someone earlier who said to get the local media involved. You obvious are an intelligent man and word things properly. If you could get your story out, maybe you could raise awareness not only of your own situation but help other men who might be in similar situations.

I have seem my sister screw around with the 3 Dads of her three until 2 of the 3 won custody from her for various reasons and I find it so sad that a lot off places just assume a child is best off with their mother because they are the mother. I completely disagree.

I wish you luck!


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## MissEfendi

I can understand the OP posts but you have to bear in mind that he is in the minority, and personally I would not want it made easier for men to see their kids because it means that more children will be put at risk. This is about the children at the end of the day, and there are many many many single mums who have had horrible relationships with the father of their children, this can be mental, verbal or physical abuse, often in front of the children also. Making it easier for fathers to have access would just open up a whole can of worms because right now, dads CAN have access if they are willing to fight, it might be long and lengthy but it is possible. It also helps weed out the good from the bad, in that most controlling exes will give up, whereas a decent dad who will fight to the death for his child will never give up.

I personally do not think it is right for babies to have overnight access with the dads if the mums are not ok with it, it is alright saying split the time half half, but life is not half half, it is not perfect like that, it is disruptive, and you can disagree with me here, but when babies are young, it can never be equal rights, I know for a fact that I became a mother from the moment I became pregnant, I had to eat the right food, look after myself, attend hospital appointments etc, all because I was nursing a life inside me, I was protecting this life, and I was ensuring no harm came to the baby I was carrying. I had to give up coffee, certain food, fizzy drinks and so on. Then I had to go through the most horrible labour ever, it was awful, hormones are everywhere, the body goes through major changes, 8 months on I am still recovering from the trauma of labour, then I had to breastfeed, again nourishing my baby and looking after him, still unable to eat and drink the things I like and in just 8 months of breastfeeding, I need 4 fillings because breastfeeding is taking all the goodness out of my body, tell me a father who can do all of this? if they did they certainly would not be demanding equal rights when a baby is so young!
I physically cannot bear to be apart from my son, I know him, I carried him, we co sleep, I feed him, it is a proven fact also that babies think they are part of their mums, they do not see themselves as separate people, hence when they realise that they are separate , they go through separation anxiety, which is why overnight visitation is not recommended until after around 2 years of age. Mummies heartbeat and voice is usually what they hear for nine months in the womb. 
It is only with formula, paternity, women now going to work and such that fathers take a bigger role in their babies lives, but generally women naturally because they carry the babies and usually breastfeeds them were the main carers. No offence but who has heard of fatherly instincts? You hear so much of mother instincts and it is so right! I have a sixth sense with my son, my ex would think he is fine, but I would just 'know' when something is not right, which resulted in us going to hospital after my son was extremely ill despite the doctors and HV telling me it was a bit of wind! ( turns out to be a serious infection).
Whilst he is a baby, I KNOW best for my son, and I would not trust him with anyone, not even my nearest and dearest, because whilst he has no voice, and he thinks he is part of his mummy, I am his voice, and I know what makes him happy and sad.
There will come a point in life, when he will want more than mummy and that is when daddy comes in and daddy can do all the daddy things. Usually from 3 onwards.

I think being shoved from two homes at a young age has no benefit, all it does it make the father feel better that he has some control and feels he is being a great dad because he has baby for x amount of time, but I honestly see no benefit in it whilst baby is young, When they are older, they find it fun, and will enjoy the change and quality time with mummy and daddy, but as babies? no.

It would be nice in an ideal world to have mummy and daddy living together and thus bath times, bed times, etc is shared by both, but when you are a single mum or single dad, there is no ideal solution, fact is, we live apart from the ex, and the baby has a primary carer and needs to have routine, and stability there, and be with mummy, whilst seeing daddy as much as mummy is happy with ( and usually if daddy is a good person any decent mum would welcome this) then as baby gets older, then it gets easier and no doubt mummy would want a break anyway and probably would welcome overnight visitation.

What i don't like is all fathers demanding equal rights in the sense that they can just turn up when they want, make demands when they want, presume it is fine to have baby overnight, take them abroad on holiday at such a young age, expose them to so many changes at a young age, where they have no voice, cannot speak and whilst learning about the world and themselves are also trying to get used to two different homes , two different set of families, probably two different ways of parenting etc. It is a lot of demand on a baby. My mum was a single mum, and my dad tried bless him, but I know he was not nice to my mum and my mum never said a bad word about him, but I honestly wished he left us alone, I hated the disruption it caused in my life. I hated the stress he put my mum under, the demands he made, and the blame he placed on my mum when I know for a fact my mum struggled, it is not easy being a single mum, having no help, having to do it all by yourself. I hear my friends moaning about their husband, but least they have help on hand.
My ex is controlling, his mother is controlling, he shouts at me in front of our son, he is abusive, but he will still make demands that he should have as much right as me to our son, whereas as far as I am concerned, the moment you shout at me in fron of our son, play games, lies etc, you no longer put our son's welfare first, so you do not deserve equal rights. My son is happy and bubbly, but when he sees his father, he is sombre and clingy to me. 
So I am sorry but I do not think ALL fathers should have equal rights and easier access to their child. I do not believe any father is better than no father.
It is better in my opinion to have one single parent giving all their love, doing the best they can and providing a secure upbringing, then two parents, who stress each other, argue, etc, as the child will only be miserable trying to please both parent and feel to blame for both their parents unhappiness.

It is about what is best for the child, sometimes that means just one parent in its life, if you are a decent father, then of course you deserve to be in your child life. 
There is also two sides to every story, I am sure my ex is having everyone feeling sorry for him about not seeing his son, but sadly I am sure he only gives his fake version of why that is. I dread the day he ever takes me to court, because sadly I know for a fact, that our son will not be benefiting from him. I hate the motto that just because a man is horrible to his ex does not mean he cannot be a decent father...you are either decent or not, you don't chop and change by being nasty and horrible to one person but then being able to be a good role model and upstanding person to your kid...that is called split personality to me!!

Furthermore all these stories of dads taking revenge is pretty scary!! For a man to lose control, it is a pretty tough thing. 

There is never going to be a perfect solution when it comes to access and kids. The main thing is to minimize the risk to the important person in all of this...the children.

PS I urge you to google Family court, children at risk, I would hate us to go down that road!! Where our courts in order to give father equal rights just let all fathers get rights despite putting the children at risk. Prime example would be my friend also has an 8 months old son, her ex has hit her whilst she was holding the son, threatened to take him away, and so on, well they went court, she denied him access, he got supervised access in a contact centre, now all he has to do is turn up for six months then he gets unsupervised access...what signals does that send out? 6 months for him to become a better man? this is the man who put his son at risk by whacking his son's mother more than once whilst she was holding him, and in six months, he will get him unsupervised, that little boy is not safe, but because the courts do not want to be bias, they are giving more and more dads access, personally he should be made to attend anger management, and have supervised access for a few years until the little boy is old enough to speak so that if the dad does abuse him , the little boy can say so.

If you see the NSPCC website, some children has died as a result of access to their fathers. Sorry but no no no no to making it more easier for ALL fathers to access their children despite their bad behaviours.


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## scottishgal89

i agree about things not being easier for dads to get access. not a good idea! to be honest my ex would get contact even though he was violent and i think thats wrong on so many levels to put a baby in that situation
i also agree with mothers instinct. my lo started having seizures at 7weeks old. fob didnt see this as a big deal- apparently some babies just do that and he got annoyed at me for being upset. turns out she has life threatening epilepsy. mother instincts are right because we connect with lo on a different level and they need us there.
if i could stop it i would NEVER allow my lo to be with fob overnight or even without me there. preferably not at all but...we'll see.
some men lie to try and get what they want and manipulate, threaten and abuse and its not right. those babies need protected as they cannot protect themselves.
MissEfendi well done for the long response i agree with what you have said. i am fighting to keep my little one safe under similar circumstances :flower:


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## lou_w34

Well said missefendi :hugs:


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## daniellelk

I don't want to start a argue ment or debate here but I disagree with SOME of what missefendi has said. 
Fair enough Im not a mother yet. 

Tho I have a few FAMILY member's who are single mum's and TBH Iv contemplated ringing the social service's on them my self, as I feel there children would have a much better up bringing with their fathers. 
For example, one of my cousin's has 3 daughter's not one see's any of their dad's. The eldest of the daughter's dad I know is a fairly decent man, and would make a great dad. Tho the mother never allowed him access and turned her eldest daughter against him to the point now if she see's him in the street she goes the opposite way. 
Anyway the eldest daughter is more like the MOTHER to the youngest two, she changed them when they was babies and nappies needed changing, she made their bottles, etc. 
What was her mum doing? Sat in the chair watching TV ignoring the kid's, smoking her fag's and by tea time cracking open a good can. If the eldest had been allowed contact with her dad at least she would have had a brake from being the "mother" of the youngest. 

You need to remember in some case's the child being with the mother is not all way's the better option. Maybe the majority of the time, but not always. 

Like I said not wanting to start a arguement, or debate or anything, just wanted to say that it isn't always the best thing for the child.


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## scottishgal89

daniellelk said:


> I don't want to start a argue ment or debate here but I disagree with SOME of what missefendi has said.
> Fair enough Im not a mother yet.
> 
> Tho I have a few FAMILY member's who are single mum's and TBH Iv contemplated ringing the social service's on them my self, as I feel there children would have a much better up bringing with their fathers.
> For example, one of my cousin's has 3 daughter's not one see's any of their dad's. The eldest of the daughter's dad I know is a fairly decent man, and would make a great dad. Tho the mother never allowed him access and turned her eldest daughter against him to the point now if she see's him in the street she goes the opposite way.
> Anyway the eldest daughter is more like the MOTHER to the youngest two, she changed them when they was babies and nappies needed changing, she made their bottles, etc.
> What was her mum doing? Sat in the chair watching TV ignoring the kid's, smoking her fag's and by tea time cracking open a good can. If the eldest had been allowed contact with her dad at least she would have had a brake from being the "mother" of the youngest.
> 
> You need to remember in some case's the child being with the mother is not all way's the better option. Maybe the majority of the time, but not always.
> 
> Like I said not wanting to start a arguement, or debate or anything, just wanted to say that it isn't always the best thing for the child.

i think that just shows that everyones situation is different.
i see what your saying- their 'mother' obviously isnt interested which is a shame really.
most of us just want to do best by our lo and even though some men arent great dads or nice people, some women are the same.
its really sad.


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## MissEfendi

I don't mean ALL mums are great, of course some are not, and if they are proven to be unfit they will lose custody anyway. 
This thread is about making access easier for fathers, my arguments is against this, because fathers can get PR and access to their children if they go to court anyway, so by making it easier, it will just mean a lot of children will be at risk from fathers who have abused their mothers and so on, I dont believe that someone who is capable of being abuse is suddenly going to be able to control their anger with their kids.

I would hope that the mothers are are unfit are in the minority. I have seen many many many abuses, drug taking, fathers not making much effort with their kids, going on, I am a product of a single mother myself, so I have been in that situationa as well being a single mum myself. My emphasis is that it should not be that all fathers have exactly the same powers as any decent mum, but then as I said any decent mum who has decent fathers would not usually stop access, so you have to wonder what is going on that we dont know? I only know my story and the others I have come into contact with stories.


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## daniellelk

Maybe it should just be that fathers should have more "check's" on them so to say before being handed contact to there children, not it necessarily made harder.
Maybe have social service's come to their home's and access their home life, not just in a environment they choose for supervised access. 

My OH is fighting to see his daughter and it's proving a pretty tough task tbh it's not nessercerily as easy as a single mother may feel it is. 
I have no doubt his EX is sat thinking that he is getting it easy, as in her eye's he as no worry, but he does, it's affecting him a great deal having to go through solicitor's and courts (when it come's to that). To the point where I'm having to encourage him not to give up. Not that he want's to give up, he'd do anything to see his daughter, just the way it is having to go that's pulling him down and proving not so easy.


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## scottishgal89

daniellelk said:


> *Maybe it should just be that fathers should have more "check's" on them so to say before being handed contact to there children, not it necessarily made harder.
> Maybe have social service's come to their home's and access their home life, not just in a environment they choose for supervised access. *
> My OH is fighting to see his daughter and it's proving a pretty tough task tbh it's not nessercerily as easy as a single mother may feel it is.
> I have no doubt his EX is sat thinking that he is getting it easy, as in her eye's he as no worry, but he does, it's affecting him a great deal having to go through solicitor's and courts (when it come's to that). To the point where I'm having to encourage him not to give up. Not that he want's to give up, he'd do anything to see his daughter, just the way it is having to go that's pulling him down and proving not so easy.

i dont think thats accurate either to be honest.
anyone can lie and put on a show.
my ex is lying threw a lawyer at the moment and will lie in court.
he and his family can easily put on a front for a few hours to make sure he gets access.
he didnt abuse me in front of anyone.
they're more clever than that.
some mothers have the police involved and fathers who will still manage to get contact. to be honest i dont think the system is strict enough.
any male or female with a violent and aggressive, irratic, unpredictable and dangerous personality should not be allowed any access to their child.
thats my opinion being in my situation though


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## daniellelk

> i dont think thats accurate either to be honest.
> anyone can lie and put on a show.
> my ex is lying threw a lawyer at the moment and will lie in court.
> he and his family can easily put on a front for a few hours to make sure he gets access.
> he didnt abuse me in front of anyone.
> they're more clever than that.
> some mothers have the police involved and fathers who will still manage to get contact. to be honest i dont think the system is strict enough.
> any male or female with a violent and aggressive, irratic, unpredictable and dangerous personality should not be allowed any access to their child.
> thats my opinion being in my situation though

And also mothers can put on a "show" back to my cousin for example. 
Someone told her a neighbour had grassed her up to social service's (when she just had the eldest 2)
She got her house spotless, not a beer can in site. Played the perfect doting mother when they turned up. Until of course they left, then she turned back in to what she was. 
I don't go any more or infact see her or the kid's, I stood up to her and told her what I thought of her, and I dread to think what the house or the children's life's are like now.
She infact has hit her own sister while her sister had one of her own daughters on her knee, and they've ended up having a full blown scrap on the front lawn infront of their kid's and others from the street.

Again just putting across it can be bad on both side's

I hold my hand's up to single mother's I could never imagine having to be a single mum, Id never cope. 
Tho SOME men should be given more credit on being a dad and not just seen as let's say in my OH's ex's words a "sperm donor"


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## daniellelk

Im off anyway, don't want a debate or arguement to start in this thread. 
Plus i'm pretty tired and had a hard day and (I hold my hand's up), can get pretty argumentative and ratty when Iv had a day like today. 
Night. Good Luck to post writer.


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## MissEfendi

Scottishgal is right, the majority of men in the UK get access now despite being violent towards the mum, taking drugs and so on, they give them supervised access but it is only for six months then they are allowed unsupervised access. Not good, and not safe as far as I am concerned. As I said my friend proved today by going to court to deny access and her ex has been given supervised access. I think it is shocking. He only has to turn up for six months and be on his best behaviour for an hour once a week and then he can take the kid out and do what he wants. How is that protecting the kids welfare? 
Some of these men are smart, in fact most abusive men are smart, they have to be, because that is how they trap women into abusive relationships, they are usually likeable, friendly and charming and they are not stupid enough to show their true sides to people, my ex fooled me, I thought I was smart but until you are in the situation it is hard to see what it can be like.
Its a bit like getting married, you promise to love each other forever, you think you will stay together forever, then something happened, and the marriage is over and then you end up having a nasty horrible bitter divorce. You cannot forsee all these things when you are in love, it takes for a baby to come and a break up to happen, for a divorce etc to bring out all these nasty horrible sides to some people. Sometimes having a baby like in my case wakes you up to who the person really is.

As I was bought up in a single family I always said that I wanted my kid to be able to see his dad and I would never stand in the way, but sadly after being a mum and my ex behaviour, you are torn between wanting the dad to be there because it would be so lovely for them to have mummy and daddy around and everyone be a big happy family, to listening to your motherly instincts and having to put your baby;s welfare first. A judge does not know our exes, we do, we lived with them, had a baby for them, so we know them. I seriously doubt that most mums would refuse a decent man who is a good man to help out with the baby, after all us mums are human and we needs breaks also and someone to share the load, we want to share all the milestones with their father as they are supposed to be the person who loves their kid as much as we do, but when they are controlling, dangerous, trying to pull rank, thinking equal rights means saying they want to see them there and then and if we say we have plans then calling us names because we are being difficult, and the babies sensing all the stress and being upset...what is the right thing to do? what is the alternative? 
I know I never thanked my dad for being around, I know he hit my mum, I know he was verbally abusive, I might have been young, but I still had eyes and ears, I still knew what was going on, and it did affect me, because I should never have seen my mum like that, scared and worried, even though he never hit me. 

Its a hard one, you just cannot undo the damage to these kids. 
I am also a nanny so I come across and work with lots of kids.

This is not about mothers vs fathers, as I said, unfit mothers should definitely not have custody of their kids. All kids deserve a decent dad, my argument is, I believe there are a lot more dads that are not decent then there is decent fathers and I do not want to make it easier for them to have access, because trust me, if they are on legal aid, they would fight and fight just to be controlling and just because they can, in order to get at the mother.


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## AppleBlossom

I have't read all the replies thouroughly but here's my two cents worth. I think it's great you are fighting to see your child, so many men just give in these days. However, from a mum's point of view, it is unfair to try and request overnight contact, especially as you are new in her life. My FOB is a pain in the arse and always wants his own way. When Grace was born he did nothing to help out. He rarely changed a nappy. And he never gave her a bath, a bottle, never got up with her in the night, refused to feed her when she was weaning... she is now 22 months old. She sees him one day at the weekend. He lives locally and he brings her back just before bedtime. I asked him would he mind bathing her and getting her ready for bed before he brought her back. He refused. In my eyes, he knows nothing about caring for a child of any age. He stretches to changing nappies because he has too. But other than that all he will do is take her out places but the "boring stuff" is down to me. He wants to take me to court over having overnight contact. And I refuse to give it to him. Because how do I know she is being properly taken care of when he did nothing when there was two of us and still refuses to do anything like that now? The answer is, I don't. And until he can prove to me otherwise that he is capable, he will not be having her overnight, period. As well as that, I'm uncomfortable not having her here at night which is why I only ever go out very rarely. All I'm saying is you might want to take things a little slower


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## scottishgal89

i totally agree with what you said missefendi.
its sick what they would do.
i also had the same attitude- my dad had been abusive towards my brother and me and i wanted lo's dad to be there because my dad eventually wasnt but when it actually came down to it i had to stop his access cause it was having a HUGE emotional effect on us both even though she was young.

its just really sad because we're talking about men who dont deserve to be dads and the man who posted this thread seems like a genuine person who wants to be involved with his little girl. well saying the good guys lose out and the idiots manage to win. in my opinion the system is a joke and very unfair! i dont know what measures should be taken really but something should be done about that


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## MissEfendi

Bexy,

You kind of hit the nail on the head. Us mums are pretty protective over our babies, when we are single mums, we naturally dont live with the ex, so we do the usual day to day care for baby, and in return we are wary of trusting anyone else with the most precious thing we have bought into this world with anyone, including the father ( as most relationships dont usually end on good terms!) so of course we adopt the better safe than sorry mode, and until they prove they are very capable we will think otherwise.

I think if a lot of men stop making demands as in " I want overnight visitation/ take LO abroad, have LO three times during week etc" most mum would not go on the defence and feel as if the ex is throwing his weight around and making demands. I know a lot of mummies who are happily married who still did not trust their husbands completely with the babies, it is just the way some of us mums are. So the best thing to do is just be there, offer support, don;t make demands and in time she will see you there are trustworthy, good with baby, you dont question her as a mother, or cause her stress, and then I would be very surprised if they dont hand you more control over baby!
I know if my ex would just stop being so abusive, stop saying he wants this, that and the other, stop questioning me, and so on, and just turned up when he is supposed to, focus purely on baby instead of asking me questions and causing arguments, that maybe in time he would have won my trust when I see his has the ability to be a decent dad, because i look at my son every day and he deserves the best mum and the best dad in he can have. I want that for him. I am sure MOST of us mums do. Just a shame most men either dont bother with their little ones, wants too much too soon, makes too much demands, expects too much, or are the ones who are abusive and just wants the control and to get back at us.

Rome was not built in a day, sometimes us mum just needs to see we can trust you before we hand over a lot more control such as overnight visitation. Anyone who goes storming in and asks for overnight visitation at such an early age ( and when most of us mums are very hormonal) is just going to risk getting on the wrong side of mummy!


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## AppleBlossom

Just to add, my ex is now gay and living with his partner... so not only did he lie to me the entire time, he was cheating on mewith several men AND also abusing me mentally and sometimes physically. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him, especially with the most precious thing in my life. I don;t deny him access because it's not right for me to play God with Grace's life. But overnight is a no no until I know for certain she is going to be looked after properly. But that isn't possible without supervised contact which my ex would never ever agree too (he wouldn't want his pride dented) and the only way I can really know is when Grace can communicate better with me and tell me herself


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## MissEfendi

I am the same Bexy, when my son is say 3 or 4, I would feel much better because I know if he is not having a nice time or if daddy is shouting at him, he can tell me and I can take action, but when they do not talk...well it is such a risk to take when the experience you have had of the ex is abuse...it does not bode well does it?

Scottishgal, someone is always going to lose out whichever way the system is, innocent people go to jail, guilty people get let off, you only have to watch the news and open a newspaper to see all the injustice that goes on in the world. Hence I would prefer it would not made much easier for access to be gained by ALL fathers. It would be wonderful if all the decent fathers could be around, but I think any decent father will be around, because he will take any access he can, he will be around and ignore the mother simply because he is hanging in there in the hope that he knows one day his child will get older, and will be vocal and thus will be able to say they want to spend more time with daddy, and no mother can go against that, because a court will take into consideration the child's wishes, but hopefully with just the father being around and not rocking the boat, the mother will naturally in time hand over more control anyway but the original poster daughter is only four months old, still very very young. My son is 8 months, I still cannot bear to leave him, I would not let anyone have him overnight. He is still a baby. Is a few years of taking all the visits they can, hanging in there until baby is three too much to ask for? or the alternative of having a free for all that all fathers only needs to turn up once a week to a contact centre for a few months, smile at the social worker, tickle the baby and make him/her laugh and then have unsupervised access and God knows what will be going on behind closed doors?


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## scottishgal89

just to point out- even though fob was abusive and things the main reason he has no contact is because lo is seriously ill and its not possible. then theres the stressing and upsetting and harassing me during such a heartbreaking time and then theres the aggression, violence etc.
just wanted to say that incase someone quoted me and said i was being unreasonable because there were lots of reasons for my decision :thumbup:


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## scottishgal89

i feel the same.
id be so scared he hurt her, neglected her, left her crying, according to him a dirty nappy doesnt need changed right away, stupid stuff like that- none of which id do.
i never thought about it from the no justice ever, sorry im half asleep.
i couldnt bare for lo to be away from me either. my mum had her and i tried to go on a night out, ended up at my mums door at 3am wanting to see lo cause i was upset. its hard even if you dont have the added worry of whats going on.
he was weird about changing a nappy because shes a girl. whats that all about? :wacko:


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## MissEfendi

Ahh Scottishgal, you do not need to justify your actions to anyone, I don't because I know my position, I know my story, so as a single mum, and knowing how bloody hard it is, I would be surprised that anyone would *'choose'* to turn down a decent man's help. I have had 8 months of no sleep, if my ex was decent, he could stay at mine and do the nightshift, he could change the pooey nappies, and so on. But fact is, his whole manner towards me, was impacting on our son, babies are not stupid, they pick up on tone/body language, and it would be a nightmare to get him settled, and his whole routine would be messed up, but then what did the ex expect when he is being abusive to me in front of our son?

Back to mums being difficult, it is pretty hard to be difficult, and mean to a man who is not arguing back and making demands, they will soon get bored and once baby hits terrible twos will probably be crying for you to take baby off their hands for a while!
Just hang in there, then your daughter will know you have always been there, and when she starts talking, she will be asking her mum where daddy is and that she wants daddy!


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## scottishgal89

yeah baby's know when their mummy is upset

sorry just felt like i had to explain myself or someone would comment :blush: couldnt deal with that just now


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## LilBean2010

Below are just a few of the links that contain information regarding the possible psychological damage of infants and overnight visitation. Feel free to read them over and I hope it helps you. Further - as you said you would like to know what I found that addresses the concerns below...I would like to know what you found that DOESN'T address these concerns as they are universal concerns across the board.

https://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/familyresources/a/attach403.htm

Oakland, CA - Babies who spend overnights in the separate residences of each parent following divorce or separation, have difficulty establishing secure attachments to their parents, according to a recently-released study.

Carol George, professor of psychology at Mills College, and Judith Solomon, program coordinator of Infant Home Visiting, Early Childhood Mental Health Program, completed the world's first study of the effects on infant attachment to parents by overnight visitation with the father in separated and divorced families. Supported by a four-year Maternal and Child Health Research Grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (1992-1996), the researchers looked at infant-parent child attachment in 145 babies whose parents represent a wide range in socioeconomic status and ethnic backgrounds. They observed the babies in the context of separation and reunion with each parent and interviewed the parents when their baby was 12 to 18 months old, and again at 24 to 30 months.

Using the Ainsworth Strange Situation to assess the baby's attachment security, they found that two-thirds of 12- to 18 month-olds with overnight visits had disorganized attachments with their mothers and fathers, compared with babies who live in intact or separated homes who saw their fathers only during daytime visits. One key function of babies' attachment relationships with parents is to help the baby cope with stressful or frightening situations. The parent is a safe haven, providing comfort and guidance that is internalized by infants as they grow up. Disorganized infants have repeated experiences with attachment figures in which proximity and physical contact are severely compromised, and there is a breakdown in strategies they might have used to signal parents of their distress, and seek contact and comfort. Thus, disorganized babies could not cope with separations and reunions with the parent in the lab setting, and did not trust their parents as a resource to handle stress.

However, the overnight visits per se, were not the sole factor affecting the babies' attachments. Key factors included the mother's ability to protect her child from the stress of separation; the parents' ability to communicate and cooperate about their baby's well being; and the extent of conflict between the parents. 

George and Solomon stress that it is important for parents to keep their problems away from their baby, and to pay attention to their baby's behavior, especially when the baby returns home. Signs that overnights are not working include noticeable changes in behavior, such as tantrums, or an inability to sleep at night. "Overnight visits are stressful to babies 12 to 18 months, as well as 24- to 30 month-olds," says Solomon. "Parents can buffer the impact on the baby by talking about their child's needs, accommodating them when scheduling visits, avoiding fighting in front of the baby, and not using the baby as a punishment for the other parent." She adds, "Some babies fare better spending two to three nights per week with dad rather than every other night; some infants do better with one week on and one off, and others prefer parental visits during the week while remaining in one home."

George and Solomon suggest that parents begin trial overnights and adjust them based on how well their baby is coping. "The baby needs time to adjust; overnights are always transitions," notes George. "It's easier when the baby is approximately three years old, because they begin to understand that their mother will return. Infants can adjust to overnight visitation, but it is very difficult when parents don't engage in co-parenting that places their baby's needs first. If co-parenting is not possible, we recommend that parents wait until the baby is older to introduce overnight visiting schedules." -- Mills College

https://life.familyeducation.com/divorce/visitation/45566.html

Age-Appropriate Visitation 

It's a famous biblical story: Two women were fighting over a baby each claimed as her own. Wise King Solomon had the women brought before him. Appearing to rule fairly, he ordered that the baby be cut in half, with one half given to each woman. While the pretender agreed with this decree, the real mother was horrified and screamed, No! Give the baby to her! King Solomon then knew that she was the real mother.

Although it's important for both parents to maintain a relationship with their children, visitation schedules based simply on dividing up the number of days in a calendar year without regard for the children's age, psychological needs, or temperament can cause unnecessary stress; for very young children, ignoring these factors may cause permanent psychological harm.

For most children, the ability to make transitions from place to place increases with age. For time-sharing to work, both parents must be attuned to their children's unique requirements and needs, as well as the general developmental pattern that most children follow from birth through the teen years.

Infancy to Two-and-a-Half Years 
Infancy, psychologists agree, is a time for building an attachment to the primary caretaker. (Attachment to two primary caretakers, a mother and father, is increasingly common, too.) The infant's developmental task is to form trust in the environment. Long separations from the primary caretaker can result in symptoms of depression and regression and later may result in problems with separation and the ability to form relationships.

Red Alert
If your very young child is grieving for the other parent, he will not be able to focus on his relationship with you. Give your child the time he needs to adjust to separation from his primary caregiver.
Toddlers are beginning to develop a sense of independence. They are becoming aware of themselves and begin to speak and walk. They can use symbols to comfort themselves, such as a picture of Mom or a toy she gave them.

Because the successful attainment of these developmental tasks lays the foundation for secure and healthy children, parents should design a schedule that fits a child's needs at this stage. The best schedule, say the experts, is short but frequent time with the noncustodial parent: short because infants and toddlers can't maintain the image of their primary caretaker for long and frequent to enable them to bond with the noncustodial parent. Most psychologists agree there should be no overnight visitation for very young children.

In cases where both parents share physical custody, frequent daily time with each parent is the ideal.

There are many innovative ways to share parenting responsibility at this stage. We know one couple who bought a second home in the wife's name following the divorce. Their child, a little girl, stayed on in the old house, now in the father's name. The parents shared custody by taking turns staying in the original family homestead. The off-duty parent lived in the new house. In short, the child had one stable home; instead, it was the parents who bore the brunt of constant change by moving back and forth. This model is known as nesting or bird nesting for the obvious reason that the young remain in the nest, as the parents come and go.

Two-and-a-Half to Five Years
This is a time of continued growth and individuality. These young children can now hold the absent parent in mind for longer periods of time. Their language is developed enough to enable these youngsters to express feelings and needs. They have more control over their feelings and bodily functions. This is also the age when children begin to identify more with the same-sex parent.

Although it ultimately depends on the temperament of the individual child, this is typically the age where time away from the primary caretaker can increase, and overnights can be introduced. If the child resists long periods away from her primary caretaker, short but frequent visits should continue until the child is better able to withstand longer separations.

Those who share physical custody must continue to be sensitive to their child's reaction to continual change.

As noted below...even the studies that say overnight visitation is possible do not recommend it across the board and address the potential for risks to the child's developing sense of security...

https://bcfit.org/tips-agevisit.pdf

It is not uncommon for courts to order, or for parents to agree to, visitation arrangements for infants and toddlers that involve regular overnight stays of one to several nights duration with the non-residential parent. The support for this type of arrangement comes from the desire to ensure an infant's frequent and continuing contact with both parents.
There is no scientific basis for preferring sole custody by the primary attachment figure, usually the mother. However, one study has shown that overnight visitations for infants can disorganize a child's attachment strategies. A different study found that more frequent transitions between the parents helped to ensure continuity of both relationships and the child's security and comfort.
The decision that a court makes for visitation is fact driven by the particular case. While there is no cohesive approach taken by the courts in awarding access to the non-primary parent for children under 3 years of age, the courts do seem willing to order overnight access to the father for very young children, more often than one would have thought.
THE GENERAL RULE: Frequent but shorter visits
 Infants still breastfeeding - no overnight visits at all
 2 years old - earliest possible overnight stays
 3 years old - most common age for earliest overnight stays
One of the principles most often advanced by experts in consultation with the courts and/or counsel is that there should be continuity of care and contact with the infant's "primary attachment figure" or "primary psychological parent," which is most often the mother. Some of the more common court recommendations regarding custody are based on this concept, including:
 an infant should be in the sole custody of one parent;
 no overnight visitation with the non-custodial parent; and
 no change in custody should be permitted once a permanent custodial arrangement is established for the infant.
Designing parenting plans for infant children involves a determination of the following points:
 nature of the child's attachments to each parent;
 the child's comfort level with each parent;
 the parents' ability to soothe and stimulate development as well as provide basic physical care-taking;
 the length of time the child can endure separation from each parent, given the child's primitive sense of time and understanding, without undue stress or an undermining of each parent-child relationship;
 the child's ever changing age specific and related developmental needs.
In BC the Family Relations Act states that a court must give paramount consideration to the best interests of the child and, in assessing those interests, must consider the following factors and give emphasis to each factor according to the childs needs and circumstances:
 the health and emotional well being of the child including any special needs for care and treatment;
 if appropriate, the views of the child;
 the love, affection and similar ties that exist between the child and other persons (parents, grandparents, other relatives and non-relatives);
 education and training for the child;
 the capacity of each person to whom guardianship, custody or access rights and duties may be granted to exercise those rights and duties adequately.
WHEN ONE PARENT LIVES IN ANOTHER CITY
To have a joint custody arrangement work well, there must be cooperation, a certain civility and the capacity to give and take.
 sending pictures of the child by e-mail (when age appropriate); 
 providing telephone access (when age appropriate);
 providing e-mail contact (when age appropriate);
 providing web-cam communication (when age appropriate); and,
 sending videotapes periodically.
Researched and written for Separation and Divorce Resource Centre (now BC Families in Transition) by Kelsey OBray, Pro Bono Students Canada, Faculty of Law, University of Victoria, March 2007
Updated March 2008
(250)386-4331 Toll Free: 1-877-386-4333 Fax: (250)386-4301
Funding Provided


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## MissEfendi

Thank you so much for the above, as a mummy and nanny that post just absolutely utterly confirmed what I already know...I just wished these dads woudl understand that too. It is not us being horrible and mean, it is up being realistic that when a baby is young, it just needs its mother and one home with daddy coming to visit ( assuming he is a decent man and is not going to be rude, abusive, make demands etc) then once baby becomes a toddler, then visits and overnight visits can happen ( the latter being if the mother is comfortable with it).

That was a great post.


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## AppleBlossom

Thank you for that post, I read that link and it just confirmed some of my fears. My FOB wanted to dive straight in and have her every weekend overnight, no gradual "weaning" her into it. I refused because it is unfair on her to go into that transition so quickly. He disagreed saying it would be best for her. I knew it wasn't but that article was just what I needed to reassure myself I am infact doing the right thing


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## Midnight_Fairy

Interesting posts and some great info above.

I know a dad who has the child 90% of the time and he is the best dad ever and more of a parent then the childs mother. I think he worrys about stuff and when he says he is a single dad etc but I think single dads need more support x


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## MissEfendi

I know mums that should not be mums either, in cases such as that, if the father is a good father and a better role model then it is common sense really that the father should have sole custody, I also know cases where the mum AND dad are not good role models, I think social services should be involved there as the poor kid has no chance of a decent life.

BUT in cases where single mums have broken up with the father when babies are quite young, the professionals needs to address why that is, instead of thinking giving PR to the majority of father will address the problem. It will not. I am in touch with the NSPCC to try and gather more evidence about the damage all this can have on children.











EmzyMathRuby said:


> Interesting posts and some great info above.
> 
> I know a dad who has the child 90% of the time and he is the best dad ever and more of a parent then the childs mother. I think he worrys about stuff and when he says he is a single dad etc but I think single dads need more support x


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## Midnight_Fairy

oh yeah I totally agree with you on that. I think that it must be hard for the kids and something I hope I never have to go through like that x


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## FathersRights

Hello all,
I apologize that I have been quite busy this week with preparing for court and depositions to be reason for not having time to respond at the present, however, I have read everyone&#8217;s posts and a response is forthcoming and again I appreciate all of your responses! Your perspectives and comments have been very helpful and many have been helpful to reconfirm everything I have been researching, saying, and feeling and I am quite anxious to prepare my response. :) In fact, the links and research provided by LilBean was very helpful and I have already copied it for my attorney to add to the already extensive research that has been rendered and just adds to the reasons why my daughter needs more time with her Father &#8220;now&#8221; as alluded to previously and exactly what I mentioned in my last response. I have also already gone the extra step of hiring a Doctor Psychologist who is a subject matter expert on these types of circumstances who has been researching and dealing with these situations for the past 30+ years. He has an amazing understanding of exactly what children&#8217;s outcome is and the psychological problems that he has to help fix with children because of the exact behaviors that the articles rendered allude to. I will be more than happy to provide research that would show the importance of both parents being involved, and, going a step further, if and when I have the personalized evaluation from this Dr. completed then I will also be happy to render the conclusions.

Again, every case is a different and individual case and I apologize for those who have experienced the extremes, such as abuse, as that is completely and utterly unacceptable and would lend reason for that parent to be considered by way of any court, unfit. I believe that the percentage of Father&#8217;s that would be classified as abusive or unfit in any manner would be small compared to all of the good Father&#8217;s that are out there and being denied access to their children. Again, as mentioned before, I believe the physical responsibility needs to first start with the decision of engaging in the physical relationship in the first place to bring about the child&#8217;s existence. This being the delineating factor should be reason enough to place more responsibility on the parents to not bring a child into a situation, especially as a mother that she would consider being harmful to her child, that&#8217;s when and if a mother wants to start arguing &#8220;best interest of their child&#8221; should make the decision, not after the child is born and then cutting off the Father because he doesn&#8217;t live up to her expectations. 

I am amongst the good Father&#8217;s and not that abusive parent as Father&#8217;s are not the only parents who are abusive. Plenty of Mothers have ended up in the media here in the United States, as just one country amongst many others, shown to commit despicable and heinous crimes like drowning their children in the bathtub which have been 2 different mothers recently brought to the spotlight in Texas. Also another mother, Casey Anthony here in Orlando, is also another extreme case of a mother being charged with killing her daughter which only means that there are plenty of Mother&#8217;s and Father&#8217;s alike who should not be granted &#8220;access&#8221; to their children but certainly not to warrant not having equal rights for both parents to be enough to affect the outcome of that child&#8217;s upbringing. As mentioned before there can be thousands of scenario&#8217;s to be reason to debate these controversial issues till we are all tired. By using the extreme cases to be reason to hold a &#8220;Father&#8221; at bay and forcing him to have to fight to prove his worth before being granted access to his child that the mother was just as much involved in the act and decision of bring about the existence of, is definitely not in the best interest of the child, it&#8217;s more so the selfish interests of the &#8220;Mother&#8221;, who gets to dictate what she feels to be the best interest of the child when she is making emotionally driven decisions and I believe, more cases then not, making them out of influenced decisions blinded to her own feelings of dislike for the Father and not recognizing his ability and also being a direct blood DNA bonded &#8220;Parent&#8221; to the child as well. Certainly there are Father&#8217;s that would shirk responsibility just as much as there could be mother&#8217;s found accused of the same, yet again plenty of scenario&#8217;s that could be used to argue either side. 

Using an excerpt from one of the articles provided above..."Parents can buffer the impact on the baby by talking about their child's needs, accommodating them when scheduling visits, avoiding fighting in front of the baby, and not using the baby as a punishment for the other parent." She adds, "Some babies fare better spending two to three nights per week with dad rather than every other night; some infants do better with one week on and one off, and others prefer parental visits during the week while remaining in one home." Everything that alluded to bringing stress to a baby was evident by way of dysfunctional coordination and I agree if you can't work together it will be hard for the baby and when you have a mother that completely wants to preclude and unilaterally make decisions then again you have an induced environment of discord.

At the end of the day I believe it is always a detrimental outcome when one parent is using the child against the other, arguing in front of the child, not using amicable means to bring about resolve, etc... All of which she &#8220;the mother&#8221; of my daughter is doing and continues to do. Again I have much more I would love to add to this and will but I am very short in time right now and will have to continue at a later time.

Thank you again,

Kevin


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## shaunanicole

I am truly amazed and baffled by the raw emotions expressed in this thread. However this miserable situation ends I know that your daughter in the long run will know that you love and have always loved her. Best of luck and I truly hope you gain your rights to be the father your daughter deserves and needs in her life.

:hugs:


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