# DH shook our toddler



## LaughOutLoud

DH was trying to get our 3yr old DD ready and tbh thats the most part of his day with her as she is usually in bed by the time he gets home. He had given breakfast (she doesnt eat it), gotten her ready and was not getting downstairs to put her coat and boots on. He was getting irritable that he had to leave the house and that I should get her ready now. I usually do the 'getting her ready' part but last, may be, 4 mornings in total he has done it. I also drive her to nursery. 

He was telling me that I should get her ready. I was getting ready and told him that may be he needs to get up earlier because he was complaining about running late with work - he does 2 part time jobs and one of them is a self employed job which he does from home in the mornings. I said that I drive her and that may be he should drive her.

He said nothing, put her coat on, at which point she wasnt even resisting anymore and then when it was on, he picked her up and shook her and growled something - I cant remember what. She burst into tears and I took her away. She obviously just stopped crying and was trying to go back to him. He was calling her to put her boots on and I said leave it I will do it but as LO was laughing again I let her go so she doesnt get any more upset by this. She loves her dad dearly and he has never done anything like this, nor has he ever smacked her or been physical.

I was a bit shocked by this and its really upset me now. I told nursery to keep an eye on her today. He could have caused some serious damage, I just saw her back when he shook her and I told him this as we were leaving. As usual, he wont say anything. :cry:


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## Raven24

maybe sit down and talk to him later and say that it upset you and obviously upset your daughter as she cried and see what he says. maybe he didnt mean to hurt her but loosing his temper in that was is unacceptable. xxx


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## LaughOutLoud

Raven24 said:


> maybe sit down and talk to him later and say that it upset you and obviously upset your daughter as she cried and see what he says. maybe he didnt mean to hurt her but loosing his temper in that was is unacceptable. xxx

Thanks, he knows how I felt because I told him as we were leaving that he could have really hurt her. My dad popped in too just then so I told him what happen whilst he was there. I am just shocked and taken aback at the sight of my little girl being handled like that. :cry: Im really hating him right now


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## sweetcheeks78

Getting out of the door in the morning can be stressful for everyone. I know at the moment getting dressed, shoes and coat on is a major drama in our house and it takes all my patience to get in the car without losing my temper. I'm not saying your DH was right to do what he did, but we all reach the end of our tether at some point. Your LO was obviously fine, she was laughing again a moment later. Definitely speak to DH about it though, he probably feels awful too. Then, maybe discuss a morning routine that would help alleviate some of the stress? I find if LO doesn't feel so 'rushed' it's easier, so I get him up a bit earlier and let him munch cereal and watch Cbeebies while I get ready, then he's more willing to get ready himself. 

Also, are you both getting ready to go to work at the same time? If one of you isn't going to work then maybe that person should be the one to get LO ready, you're less likely to get stressed if you're not watching the clock so much.


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## robinator

:hugs:


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## CountryBumkin

How's the situation now hunni x


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## LaughOutLoud

CountryBumkin said:


> How's the situation now hunni x

I couldnt reply yesterday but DH came home when LO was getting ready for bed. He carried on with her as normal but I wasnt that forgiving. He was playing with her and LO did a pretend bite on his hand - she was being silly but accidently caused tooth mark on his hand and she started to apologise immediately. She doesnt bite and it didnt hurt DH but she was so apologetic and I remarked that maybe DH needs to apologise instead. He kind if tutted and said sorry. He didnt say why but I didnt make him because it was at the end of the day.

He isnt good with words (except when he's angry, of course).


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## RaspberryK

I think my dh would be getting a few choice words from me and a warning that if this or anything similar was to happen again he'd be kicked out and have supervised visits once a month, it's just not acceptable! 
X


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## mrsthomas623

I think you should drop it. :shrug: I know I have been guilty of being a little rough with my 2 year old while trying to get his coat zipped up or for him to sit still for me to tie his shoes. Instead of bringing it up over and over and telling your family about it, create a plan for mornings so things go smoother.


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## suzib76

I honestly don't know what I would do, to me having a stressful morning is not ever an excuse for that kind of behaviour. If dh ever lost control with one of the kids I would more than likely become very protective of them when he was around, I wouldn't trust him alone, and it would serve as a huge warning sign. If that's just a stressful morning when lo is a toddler, where does it go from there? How do you know it's an isolated incident?


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## Palestrina

I feel sick just reading this. I can understand getting exasperated, sometimes my LO runs around trying to get away from me when I'm trying to get his shoes and coat on and we're usually late getting out the door. But he's laughing and playing around like it's the most fun thing in the world, how could I possibly shake that innocence out of him? Your OH is doing just that, she's making your daughter scared of him and he's making you scared of him and I couldn't live like that.

It's your turn to make him scared. I'd look him straight in the eye like with the glare of a wounded tiger and say "don't you ever touch my daughter again." Then I'd give him the silent treatment, I would not allow him to touch her, and I would act weary. Do it until he has no choice but to answer for his actions. When he seems exasperated with you tell him "we can talk when you are ready to talk about what you did." Then, when he gets the hint that this is serious, you will show him videos of what happens to children when you shake them. 

I am so angry for you!


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## Maxy1

Palestrina said:


> It's your turn to make him scared. I'd look him straight in the eye like with the glare of a wounded tiger and say "don't you ever touch my daughter again." Then I'd give him the silent treatment, I would not allow him to touch her, and I would act weary. Do it until he has no choice but to answer for his actions. When he seems exasperated with you tell him "we can talk when you are ready to talk about what you did." Then, when he gets the hint that this is serious, you will show him videos of what happens to children when you shake them.

I disagree that playing mind games and treating your partner like a child is a suitable response. You need to find a time to talk to him about and make plans for that type of thing. Prior to the incident he seemed to be asking you for help. Maybe you need to come up with a phrase that indicates that he is feeling very frustrated and needs to you to come and help. Everyone gets frustrated now and then because of things that aren't to do with our LO's. It is important that you both help each other and come up with a plan to move forward, and rebuild the trust and respect you seem to have lost for him as a dad.


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## daneuse27

This post made me feel sick to my stomach and I'm really disturbed that some of the PPs seem to be trying to justify, or make sense of your OH's abusive behaviour that morning. There was NO reason for him to shake your 3 year old, there never is. It doesn't matter whether she was laughing and fine again minutes later, the point is he lost his temper and acted out physically to her in the heat of the moment. Do you not see how serious that is? As Palestrine said, he's creating fear in her of him, and that is NOT ok - neither of you should have to live like that. I had an abusive father and can tell you that you do NOT want your daughter to have the experience I did. If anything like this happens again, you need to kick his pathetic ass out. Your daughter comes first!


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## third time

Abusive behaviour? He didn't harm her, just frightened her a little, which, yes, is unacceptable, but it's not like she's come downstairs and he's beating her! It would be awful to see this happening to your lo but sometimes things get too much. I'm sure if it were to happen again then op would be more stern with her dh. Think there are some unnecessarily harsh comments on here!


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## daneuse27

third time said:


> Abusive behaviour? He didn't harm her, just frightened her a little, which, yes, is unacceptable, but it's not like she's come downstairs and he's beating her! It would be awful to see this happening to your lo but sometimes things get too much. I'm sure if it were to happen again then op would be more stern with her dh. Think there are some unnecessarily harsh comments on here!

I just flat out disagree with you. I think theres a very fine line between just disciplining or scaring a child and abusing them and I realy believe that he crossed it in this case. Why? because he lost his temper and got physical. No, she wasnt hurt, but that isnt the point. She couldve been hurt and it most definitely freightened her. Do you honestly believe that a child needs to be beat senseless in order for it to be called abuse? Of course it doesnt! I was never once beat up by my dad, but he used to scare me. Hed lose his temper and do this similar to that that grew much worse over time. Abuse is like that; it often starts as something minor that tends to be ignored, and then it gradually grows more serious over time. The only thing this innocent 3 year old girl could learn from this abusive (yes I'm calling it abusive) behaviour is that its OK and normal to respond physically or violently if you get angry. And its not. Its never ok to put your hands on anyone when you're angry. Period.

I think he needs to be watched closely, and if this were to ever happen again, serious precautions need to be taken. I'm not saying hes necessarily going to turn into a serious abuser, but to just shrug off what he did is wrong. Whats even more shocking, if you read the updates, is his attitude after the incident. He clearly doesnt think hes done anything wrong. And I'm sorry, but thats not ok.:nope:


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## jaytee146

:hugs: :hugs:


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## TatorMom

I agree with 'Mrsthomas623'. Discuss it with him and then let it go. While he shouldn't of done that, and he needs to learn how to manage his anger/frustrations and mornings with a toddler/preschooler, there was clearly no true harm done. I would sit down and talk with him, wether he wants to or not. Be very calm and tell him that what he did scared you and your daughter, and he needs to find ways to make sure it never happens again. There have been times where I've lost my patience with my kids, but would never cause any physical harm, and it didn't sound like he hurt her based on her reaction and quick bounce back. Just help him come up with a morning routine, etc. I have such a set morning and evening routine with our kids that we rarely if ever have any issues, although they know mommy means business. However, being so routine for years now they just go through the motions without thinking about it and so do I and DH(on weekends when he's home). It makes things so much less stressful for everyone and keeps the days going smoothly. Although kids can wake up on the wrong side of the bed, just like adults sometimes. Our kids are up anywhere between 530-6am. We start by cuddling in bed and watching Disney cartoons for 30min-few hours, with me or DH(when I'm finishing up at work). The time varies because I work night shift 3 nights/week, and I really need to crash for a couple hours when I get home, which our kiddos are very used to. Our boys will bring books into bed too, so we read during commercials sometimes. Then we get up, have breakfast as a family(sometimes just me or DH depending on work). We also all lay on our bed and watch a Disney cartoon before bed at night to get everyone calmed down, then read bed time stories, etc then bed. Just some routine for everyone can really help. Plus having some calm bonding time as a family is really nice. Don't hang it over his head though, or he'll become more angry and resentful as a result. He probably feels terrible and embarrassed and men aren't usually known for conveying feelings well.


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## RaspberryK

I can't believe how many people are downplaying this and trying to justify his behaviour. 

How about if LO was replaced by OP... And she'd been shaken in anger? 
You'd all be telling her to get out before it gets worse! 
But because its directed at a child its ok? 
Surely its worse?
X


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## hattiehippo

I think there's a lot of over reaction going on here tbh. He didn't hurt her, it's a total one off as far as we know and it was in response to a very stressful situation. It was not planned or ongoing or calculated as far as any of us knows. That doesn't mean it was ok or right but I do think everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like his was reached and the family need to put strategies in place to stop that happening again. Of course he also needs to work on controlling his temper but a solid morning routine for all 3 of you would help any of you getting too worked up again.

Getting a 3 yr old ready who really doesn't want to is really hard work - they run off constantly and are too strong to easily wrestle into shoes, coats etc if they don't want to. They are also really good at taking everything back off again when you've finally got the coat etc on! Add in stress of a time limit in the morning and I often feel my stress levels going through the roof even with a solid routine between DH and me.


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## Ozzieshunni

hattiehippo said:


> I think there's a lot of over reaction going on here tbh. He didn't hurt her, it's a total one off as far as we know and it was in response to a very stressful situation. It was not planned or ongoing or calculated as far as any of us knows. That doesn't mean it was ok or right but I do think everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like his was reached and the family need to put strategies in place to stop that happening again. Of course he also needs to work on controlling his temper but a solid morning routine for all 3 of you would help any of you getting too worked up again.
> 
> Getting a 3 yr old ready who really doesn't want to is really hard work - they run off constantly and are too strong to easily wrestle into shoes, coats etc if they don't want to. They are also really good at taking everything back off again when you've finally got the coat etc on! Add in stress of a time limit in the morning and I often feel my stress levels going through the roof even with a solid routine between DH and me.

Couldn't have said it better myself. DH has snapped at wee man once or twice. I point out how Alex gets upset and he realizes his mistake and cuddles him and all is dropped and forgotten.


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## third time

daneuse27 said:


> third time said:
> 
> 
> Abusive behaviour? He didn't harm her, just frightened her a little, which, yes, is unacceptable, but it's not like she's come downstairs and he's beating her! It would be awful to see this happening to your lo but sometimes things get too much. I'm sure if it were to happen again then op would be more stern with her dh. Think there are some unnecessarily harsh comments on here!
> 
> I just flat out disagree with you. I think theres a very fine line between just disciplining or scaring a child and abusing them and I realy believe that he crossed it in this case. Why? because he lost his temper and got physical. No, she wasnt hurt, but that isnt the point. She couldve been hurt and it most definitely freightened her. Do you honestly believe that a child needs to be beat senseless in order for it to be called abuse? Of course it doesnt! I was never once beat up by my dad, but he used to scare me. Hed lose his temper and do this similar to that that grew much worse over time. Abuse is like that; it often starts as something minor that tends to be ignored, and then it gradually grows more serious over time. The only thing this innocent 3 year old girl could learn from this abusive (yes I'm calling it abusive) behaviour is that its OK and normal to respond physically or violently if you get angry. And its not. Its never ok to put your hands on anyone when you're angry. Period.
> 
> I think he needs to be watched closely, and if this were to ever happen again, serious precautions need to be taken. I'm not saying hes necessarily going to turn into a serious abuser, but to just shrug off what he did is wrong. Whats even more shocking, if you read the updates, is his attitude after the incident. He clearly doesnt think hes done anything wrong. And I'm sorry, but thats not ok.:nope:Click to expand...

What I mean is, this is not a common occurrence, so I don't think in this case it's abuse and as I said if something like that happened again, it would be a different matter. My daughter is also three and is currently going through a let's try to be as naughty as possible as often as possible, no matter how much I do to distract her! I quite often loose my temper and shout at her, she sometimes jumps because of this,but I know she is not an abused child, sometimes that's just what it takes!

Wasn't trying to cause debate was just trying to think of the op and the fact that she's now being told she has an abusive husband


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## hattiehippo

Just to add as a comparison,

When I was 4 my parents were starting to spilt up and obviously they were both under a lot of stress. My dad (before he walked out) got very angry with me one morning, lost his temper and put his fist through the kitchen door. 

Did I grow up scared of him, was he abusive? 

No, it was a total one off reaction to reaching his breaking point. He is an extremely calm man who in his job copes with very stressful situations but that morning whatever I was doing (can't remember!) was just one thing too much on top.

We don't know whether the OP's OH will find a way to deal with the stress of getting a toddler ready better next time but a one off incident in a stressful situation is not abuse or necessarily indicative of future abuse IMHO.


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## Starry Night

I'm sorry that happened. :( I agree with those saying to try make a plan to help make mornings less stressful while making it clear that shaking a child is NOT an acceptable reaction. Perhaps part of the planning could be what to do when the stress does get that high. For example, due to outside stress I had little patience with DS today and at one point I just had to put him in his crib. He complained, of course, but I just needed that moment or two to catch my breath.

I don't want to downplay what happened but I know I'd hate to have the whole of my parenting judged by a single mistake especially where no damage was done. If your DH is not a violent man in general I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt without trying to making the incident "OK". It wasn't OK. But be hopeful he will learn from it.


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## lozzy21

Im sorry but what? He shook a 3 year old, has not apologised and people are saying to drop it? WTF? 

That does not stand right with me at all, if he had done that to an adult it would be classed as assault so why does it ok to do it to a child. At least an adult could stand up for them self! If LO has been younger he he could have seriously hurt, even killed her!


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## suzib76

hattiehippo said:


> Just to add as a comparison,
> 
> When I was 4 my parents were starting to spilt up and obviously they were both under a lot of stress. My dad (before he walked out) got very angry with me one morning, lost his temper and put his fist through the kitchen door.
> 
> Did I grow up scared of him, was he abusive?
> 
> No, it was a total one off reaction to reaching his breaking point. He is an extremely calm man who in his job copes with very stressful situations but that morning whatever I was doing (can't remember!) was just one thing too much on top.
> 
> We don't know whether the OP's OH will find a way to deal with the stress of getting a toddler ready better next time but a one off incident in a stressful situation is not abuse or necessarily indicative of future abuse IMHO.

I think his circumstances at the time provide a reasonable explanation for getting over angry and punching a door, however I don't think it is comparable to someone having a stressful morning and losing it with a toddler.m hell every morning in my house is stressful.


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## sweetcheeks78

lozzy21 said:


> Im sorry but what? He shook a 3 year old, has not apologised and people are saying to drop it? WTF?
> 
> That does not stand right with me at all, if he had done that to an adult it would be classed as assault so why does it ok to do it to a child. At least an adult could stand up for them self! *If LO has been younger he he could have seriously hurt, even killed her*!

I think this thread is losing perspective. She's not younger, he didn't hurt her or kill her. Going by the OPs account she was giggling straight after the incident. I'm not excusing it by any means, but let's not demonise the woman's husband! The OP hasn't commented on this thread for some time.


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## lozzy21

sweetcheeks78 said:


> lozzy21 said:
> 
> 
> Im sorry but what? He shook a 3 year old, has not apologised and people are saying to drop it? WTF?
> 
> That does not stand right with me at all, if he had done that to an adult it would be classed as assault so why does it ok to do it to a child. At least an adult could stand up for them self! *If LO has been younger he he could have seriously hurt, even killed her*!
> 
> I think this thread is losing perspective. She's not younger, he didn't hurt her or kill her. Going by the OPs account she was giggling straight after the incident. I'm not excusing it by any means, but let's not demonise the woman's husband! The OP hasn't commented on this thread for some time.Click to expand...

I dont think it is, its totally relevant. Shaking a toddler is no more acceptable than shaking a baby and the consequences can be the same.


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## daneuse27

lozzy21 said:


> sweetcheeks78 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lozzy21 said:
> 
> 
> Im sorry but what? He shook a 3 year old, has not apologised and people are saying to drop it? WTF?
> 
> That does not stand right with me at all, if he had done that to an adult it would be classed as assault so why does it ok to do it to a child. At least an adult could stand up for them self! *If LO has been younger he he could have seriously hurt, even killed her*!
> 
> I think this thread is losing perspective. She's not younger, he didn't hurt her or kill her. Going by the OPs account she was giggling straight after the incident. I'm not excusing it by any means, but let's not demonise the woman's husband! The OP hasn't commented on this thread for some time.Click to expand...
> 
> I dont think it is, its totally relevant. Shaking a toddler is no more acceptable than shaking a toddler and the consequences can be the same.Click to expand...

Agreed. Those of you saying drop it I dont understand. Losing your temper and shaking a toddler is not ok, end of story. The fact that he hasn't apologized is even worse.

A PP made an excellent point. If I posted saying "my boyfriend got frustrated and shook me" you'd all be saying its a red flag. So don't say its different with an innocent 3 year old girl. :nope:


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## Palestrina

The truth is none of us are in any place to judge what really happened. But I do ask the OP, you have to listen to what your instinct is telling you. We spend far too much time supressing our instinct, and rationalizing bad behavior. "Oh, he's just frustrated, he lost his cool for a moment, he's never done anything like that before, this is nothing, no harm came so all is good." Humans are the only creatures on earth that constantly ignore their instincts, that constantly supress their urge to fight or flight, where as no other animal would do such a thing. Yes we are logical creatures of high intellect, but those instincts are in us for a reason.

When a child is frightened it changes who they are. Abuse doesn't have to be cinematic or dramatic. Being frightened of someone you trust entirely shakes your whole foundation. A child cannot process these feelings, it's our job as parents to protect them - NOT our job as parents to excuse a grown ass man's inability to recognize his own actions. Grown ass men need to act like grown ass men, and mommies need to protect their babies from grown ass men who can't control their tempers.


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## hattiehippo

And I presume someone needs to protect children from grown up mums who also can't control their tempers?? I really hate the assumption that its men who are going to lose it and mums can never be in the wrong...we're all human and all have the capacity to get angry and lose our tempers. An angry mother can do just as much damage to a young child as a man.

From the way the OP worded her post it sounded like a quick sudden shake not a big dramatic head going everywhere one. I'm not saying this was ok or it couldn't cause damage but I'm sorry I just can't see it as abuse or that it means this man must be watched closely and protected from.


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## suzib76

hattiehippo said:


> *And I presume someone needs to protect children from grown up mums who also can't control their tempers?? I really hate the assumption that its men who are going to lose it and mums can never be in the wrong...we're all human and all have the capacity to get angry and lose our tempers. An angry mother can do just as much damage to a young child as a man.*
> 
> From the way the OP worded her post it sounded like a quick sudden shake not a big dramatic head going everywhere one. I'm not saying this was ok or it couldn't cause damage but I'm sorry I just can't see it as abuse or that it means this man must be watched closely and protected from.

I don't really understand the relevance, the post was about the ops partner who IS a man?

It isn't about who has the potential, it was about a specific incident, involving a man


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## Emma&Freya

If Sean ever shook Freya he would be out the door so quick!!


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## CaptainMummy

Emma&Freya said:


> If Sean ever shook Freya he would be out the door so quick!!

exactly what i was thinking...

i understand that it was a one off, didnt do any damage etc but I just couldnt trust someone who did that to my dd.


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## Ozzieshunni

I think everyone is going a bit OTT with this.


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## chell5544

Ozzieshunni said:


> I think everyone is going a bit OTT with this.

Couldn't agree more. 
I have seen post in the past where a mother has lost her temper and smacked her child then written a post saying how bad it made her feel and she will never do it again. All she has gotten is support from ladies saying don't worry everyone makes mistakes etc, but a man does it it and he should be hung drawn and quartered?
When we make mistakes we usually have a little cry come on here and ask for support, a lot of men aren't like that and (yes he should apologise) but I'm sure he feels terrible about it and has proberly told himself that he will never do it again. 
If it carries in then yes the OP will need to take action.
I remember when I lost my temper and shouted at DD1 I scared her and the look on her face made me realise that I never should do that again and I haven't.
No one is perfect and we all learn from mistakes that we do to become the best parents we can be for our children, I think as long he has learnt from his mistake then they should be able to move on from this.


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## LaughOutLoud

Wow...I didnt expect this thread to get into such a debate. I would have come on earlier to post if I could. I need to point out this was an isolated incident. DH has never smacked or 'abused' our daughter. It was a shake but not a head banging, carrying on aggressive shake. I am NOT excusing his behavior, as a mother who has undergone abuse in a past relationship, I am not one to take this lying down nor allow it for my child. Thats a personal issue nevertheless. I do need to stress that LO is not scared of DH, and after I took her off him, she was giggling wanting to run back to him, when I thought he needed to calm down. DH is a calm man, more calm than the average and I admit it takes a lot for him to get worked up. With his background being so different to mine and we have such different view points, he is generally so much more laid back in our daughter's life. All discipline is carried out by myself, our daughter runs to hide behind him when she knows I am going to discipline her about something. He is so, in my opinion, a bit too laid back and would allow her to run riot, however this is where I think he handled it wrong. He obviously felt out of control here, had no strategy and my obvious attitude of 'he is not coping' made him react this way. I could have been sympathetic but we are at a stage in our life where we have had some big changes and are trying to readjust and resettle. Still no excuse but he also thought that shaking was not 'hitting' and he does feel terrible. Like I said his background and upbringing is so different but he did not intend to be 'abusive' like smacking. He has a solid loving relationship with our daughter and for me to judge my daughter's father on this alone would mean our relationship really has no basis and that would be unfair on our child.

Thank you to all for your opinions and comments.


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## Palestrina

chell5544 said:


> Ozzieshunni said:
> 
> 
> I think everyone is going a bit OTT with this.
> 
> Couldn't agree more.
> *I have seen post in the past where a mother has lost her temper and smacked her child then written a post saying how bad it made her feel and she will never do it again. All she has gotten is support from ladies saying don't worry everyone makes mistakes etc, but a man does it it and he should be hung drawn and quartered?
> When we make mistakes we usually have a little cry come on here and ask for support, a lot of men aren't like that and (yes he should apologise) but I'm sure he feels terrible about it and has proberly told himself that he will never do it again. *
> If it carries in then yes the OP will need to take action.
> I remember when I lost my temper and shouted at DD1 I scared her and the look on her face made me realise that I never should do that again and I haven't.
> No one is perfect and we all learn from mistakes that we do to become the best parents we can be for our children, I think as long he has learnt from his mistake then they should be able to move on from this.Click to expand...

Just for the record, I've never told a mother that it's ok and she should forgive herself for any loss of control or violence carried out on a child. And the biggest difference between what you're talking about and what's happened to the OP is that this hypothetical mother you speak of has admitted to losing control where as the OP's husband has ignored the whole situation.


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## LaughOutLoud

Palestrina said:


> chell5544 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ozzieshunni said:
> 
> 
> I think everyone is going a bit OTT with this.
> 
> Couldn't agree more.
> *I have seen post in the past where a mother has lost her temper and smacked her child then written a post saying how bad it made her feel and she will never do it again. All she has gotten is support from ladies saying don't worry everyone makes mistakes etc, but a man does it it and he should be hung drawn and quartered?
> When we make mistakes we usually have a little cry come on here and ask for support, a lot of men aren't like that and (yes he should apologise) but I'm sure he feels terrible about it and has proberly told himself that he will never do it again. *
> If it carries in then yes the OP will need to take action.
> I remember when I lost my temper and shouted at DD1 I scared her and the look on her face made me realise that I never should do that again and I haven't.
> No one is perfect and we all learn from mistakes that we do to become the best parents we can be for our children, I think as long he has learnt from his mistake then they should be able to move on from this.Click to expand...
> 
> Just for the record, I've never told a mother that it's ok and she should forgive herself for any loss of control or violence carried out on a child. And the biggest difference between what you're talking about and what's happened to the OP is that this hypothetical mother you speak of has admitted to losing control where as the OP's husband has ignored the whole situation.Click to expand...


He didnt ignore the 'whole situation' and I wouldnt let him. 

I think this thread is ready to be closed.

Thank you


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## Palestrina

hattiehippo said:


> *And I presume someone needs to protect children from grown up mums who also can't control their tempers?? I really hate the assumption that its men who are going to lose it and mums can never be in the wrong...we're all human and all have the capacity to get angry and lose our tempers. An angry mother can do just as much damage to a young child as a man.*
> 
> From the way the OP worded her post it sounded like a quick sudden shake not a big dramatic head going everywhere one. I'm not saying this was ok or it couldn't cause damage but I'm sorry I just can't see it as abuse or that it means this man must be watched closely and protected from.

You presumed incorrectly. I was speaking about the situation at hand, anyone is susceptible to losing their temper and/or losing control and that includes Mom. Heck, in my line of work (teacher) I've seen mothers who are garbage and their kids would be better off raising themselves unfortunately. 

I view motherhood as the responsibility to care for my child's needs and at the top of those needs is a child's innocence. Every time a child is exposed to needless anger, subjected to a mother or father's loss of temper, and touched in a way that is not loving is a notch off their innocence.

I trust that the OP will do what is right for her in her situation, she knows her husband and child best and is better able to see how this will progress if at all. We've gone off in a tangent but it is an important issue to discuss.


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## LaughOutLoud

Palestrina said:


> hattiehippo said:
> 
> 
> *And I presume someone needs to protect children from grown up mums who also can't control their tempers?? I really hate the assumption that its men who are going to lose it and mums can never be in the wrong...we're all human and all have the capacity to get angry and lose our tempers. An angry mother can do just as much damage to a young child as a man.*
> 
> From the way the OP worded her post it sounded like a quick sudden shake not a big dramatic head going everywhere one. I'm not saying this was ok or it couldn't cause damage but I'm sorry I just can't see it as abuse or that it means this man must be watched closely and protected from.
> 
> You presumed incorrectly. I was speaking about the situation at hand, anyone is susceptible to losing their temper and/or losing control and that includes Mom. Heck, in my line of work (teacher) I've seen mothers who are garbage and their kids would be better off raising themselves unfortunately.
> 
> I view motherhood as the responsibility to care for my child's needs and at the top of those needs is a child's innocence. Every time a child is exposed to needless anger, subjected to a mother or father's loss of temper, and touched in a way that is not loving is a notch off their innocence.
> 
> I trust that the OP will do what is right for her in her situation, she knows her husband and child best and is better able to see how this will progress if at all. We've gone off in a tangent but it is an important issue to discuss.Click to expand...

Thank you for your comments. What I posted was a snap shot so can see how people can go off on a tangent. I had not expected to start this but needs to discontinue now.

Thanks.


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## AP

Would you like this locked?


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## LaughOutLoud

AtomicPink said:


> Would you like this locked?

Yes please.


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