# Do you think it's important for dad-to-be to be present?



## tinkerbelle93

This is more of a curious question than anything. I remember talking to my grandma, and her saying how, when she had children, men were extremely discouraged from being present at the birth.. they would have to wait outside if they wanted to be there! 

I also know that in some countries this is still pretty much the norm. I just find it fascinating how in this country nowadays, it is pretty much expected for the dad to be present and it is rare that you hear of people who choose not to have them there, completely different to how it was! Other than people who have split up with their baby's father or were not in a relationship to begin with, I don't know anybody who has made the choice to have birthing partners that do not include the dad-to-be. 

I just wondered how important people think it is for the dad to be present? Would you have been upset if your OH hadn't made it to the birth in time? Do you think not being present would make the bonding process less intense? Just interested really! xx


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## Guppy051708

I would have been terribly upset if my DH wasn't there. Im pretty sure if I was around in the days of daddy not being allowed into the birthing room, i would have had a homebirth! 
My DH acts a little funny during the birth. most of the support i got were from various women that were important to me. however, he was there when i needed him. he stuck by my side, and that is all i wanted. He also got to catch both of my boys. I firmly believe he has a strong connection to them because of this. I think daddies are just as important as mommies. They helped create the baby and (assuming the dad was present during the pregnancy), the baby already has an attachment. I think it's ludacris that men wernt allowed near a laboring woman (or still are not in some countries). They helped create them, they should be there for their birth into this world. Plus if i think back to primal days, it makes sense that it would take two ppl to birth a baby. The mom for obvious reasons, and a person of support or help to catch the baby, etc. Primally speaking, it would make loads of sense for the dad to be there for it. I understand that women traditionally have been the support crutch for the laboring mother, but i still think there is so much to be said for the dad to be present. First off to understand what the mother of his child has to go through, but also its a lesson of how to support one another, and a new life. And it comes with some serious attachment and bonding which i think is highly important, especially given the role a dad (typically) plays in their life. Furthermore the "cocktail of love" hormones have been recorded in high amounts in the mother AND the father at birth. in fact, i have read that dad actually helps increase oxytocin levels during the labor/birth (which helps decrease the pain for mom) AND it helps with the "love attachment" as an entire family unit.


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## Numero_uno

Yes, I couldn't have done it without my husband being there, he's the person who I wanted to spend that moment with!


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## amjon

I would be upset if DH wasn't there. He is a great support and I wouldn't want him to miss his child being born.


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## Firestar

This is my first, and I would hate for my boyfriend to not be there, thankfully wild horses won't keep him away from our son's birth, he desperately wants to be there for both me and our son :)

He's my best friend as well as my partner, an the idea of him not being there is terrifying! He can do "tag team" with my mum if the labour is long and he wants a coffee or a snack, but other than that we have agreed that he will be with me constantly :)


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## Leesy

I think it's very important for them to be there. Along with the obvious of being there to support you while in labour, they helped make the baby, why should they miss the birh of their child?


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## aliss

My OH was there for both, but I found the motivation and help from other women (midwives who had their own home birth, doula) to be the most encouraging. I also wanted to be alone for the vast majority of my labour. He was there for the actual delivery, but the labour, was a solo adventure for me the 2nd time. It was far better that way (comapred to the 1st which was typical hospital/OH/nurses around all the time)


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## NDH

I think its important for him to be there if he's comfortable being there. If he didn't want to be there and wasn't going to be able to support me properly I would not have wanted him there. I think its an amazing thing for the dads to be there, but I don't feel like they should be pressured to *have* to be there. It isn't easy for a man to watch his mate in labour - men are fixers and often if they can't fix something they just don't deal well with it. 
And if they do find it stressful and traumatic where do they go to cope with it? They can't exactly talk about it to anyone without coming across as a jerk since she's the one who actually went through labour iykwim? 

My hubby was amazingly supportive but I'd given him permission ahead of time that he could leave if he needed to. But none if what I said above really hit home with me til last week when our doula was over for a chat and he was actually able to talk about HIS experience for the first time.


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## chulie

I also think there used to be this "stigma" of the "perfect wife". So women didn't want their men to see them wild in labour ya know? I think there was this taboo and so men weren't allowed in until everything was cleaned up and women were all smiles again.. I dunno that's just my personal oppinion. Women today are different. We don't just want to be "June Cleaver wives". We want to be real and we want a best friend as a partner. So we have been "real" from the get go. Well now I'm just talking about me....I hide nothing from my DH....right down to farting in front of him! Hahahaha. I didn't want a man to dote on. I wanted a partner in crime! Lmao. That's my hubby. We're best friends and we created a life and there is no one more important to have by my side than him. In the same respects...he's also a modern man. He talks about how he feels and isn't afraid to be vulnerable(sometimes....I still have to drag it out of him haha) but that just means that even given the option..nothing would stop him from being by my side. It was a magical moment between the 3 of us bringing her into this world that we wouldn't change for a thing!!!


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## Jeffrey

Why would a father-to-be NOT want to witness the birth of their child?! :wacko: My waxer told me she would refuse to have her fiance at the birth of her child because "there are certain things a man doesn't need to see". Personally I think there is so much wrong with that opinion I don't even know where to start!


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## sue_88

Me & FOB aren't together anymore, but he wants to be there, he is welcome.

It's his baby too, and that moment shouldn't be taken away from him. If he says he doesn't want to - I'd be fine with that too....but only probably because we aren't together.

I think I'd think differently if we were together and he chose not to be there.


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## Hunbun

Before I went into labour I was a little reluctant to have DH there in case anything embarressing happened. I would never have denied him the chance to be there, it just made me a little nervous. 

However once I was in labour, I was so happy to have him with me. He helped calm me down and keep me excited. I didn't even care about how naked and vulnerable I was to the whole room, luckily nothing happened (as far as I remember!).


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## mrscitysmith

I would be heartbroken if my husband wasn't there. He is my best friend and knows me better than anyone else so is my rock and will make sure my wishes are followed if I am not that capable of articulating them myself. I also greatly approve of him seeing the smount of pain I am in - and will remind him of such for weeks after the birth whenever I want a coffee, him to change a nappy, the ironing done, foot massge....the list will go on :)


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## NaturalMomma

Yes I sure do, and I just asked DH and he said it's one of the most important days in his life when he was present for both our sons and for this one as well. I know some guys do'nt want to be for whatever reason, but I find it awfully horrible and sad when women request them not to be there. It's their child too, and for many dads it's very important.


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## Midnight_Fairy

My oh missed first two and he was amazing the third time x


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## MrS. MaBrEy

It is very important to my husband to be there for the birth of our son but we have no way to know for sure if he will be. He could be deployed or away training when he is born and we have little control over that. We have 2 birth plans for just such an emergency. One that includes him and one that includes a live video feed so that he doesn't miss anything. I'm hoping to get lucky enough to actually have him here though.


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## Lindylou

I had a really difficult delivery and could not have got through it without my husband. I think it depends on the man if he idea help or hinderance as with any birth partners. X


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## disneydarling

The only way my husband wouldn't be there was if there was some kind of severe or drastic emergency, and I'd be devestated about it.

We have been together since we were in school, and not only is he my husband and the baby's father, he's my best friend. He's the only person who can help and comfort me when I am in pain or upset, and the only person I want to share this experience with. I'd hate to live in a culture where men are not present during childbirth.

I know he feels a little anxious about me being in pain, but he's so excited to witness our baby girl being born. Of course the moment I am waiting for most is the first moment I get to hold her, but I'm equally excited to see how my husband reacts when she's born, I would never get over it if something happened that stopped him being there.


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## jenniferttc1

Honestly men don't usually help in labor, you just want to rip their f'kn faces off! 18 hour labor, no food or water and he was eating candy and chips in front of me. :rofl: But for delivery, VERY important. He was so helpful and so glad he was there to hold my hand and watch our son be born. Incredible experience.


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## RachA

My OH used to joke that when my contractions started he'd be off to the golf course and he'd be in to visit when it was all over!!! He was in hospital with me for both. Although i wouldn't say he helped. I had my mum in with me both times too and she was much more useful. OH kept trying to take the gas and air away from me.
With my 1st in ended up having en emcs so just OH was in the theatre with him. It was great because i wasn't in a position to hold DS as soon as he was born so OH got that pleasure. To me it was amazing that OH got to hold the baby first as you never really hear of that. He didn't get the 1st hold of DD though :)
I don't know if i would say that's its important for OH to be there - i'm sure it doesn't affect the bonding process that much.


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## tommyg

Yes it was lovely to have him their. He cuddled DS while I was being stitched up.

He had to leave a few hours after the birth and it kind of bugged me come the afternoon visit he never took advantage of the extra hour fathers are allowed in before everybody else.


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## Mummy Bean

Dont think i could have got through it with out him there...deff wouldnt want anyone else there. 

It was our special moment.


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## bekkie

I couldn't imagine DH not having been at DS' birth... and cutting the cord, and holding him right away... I can't imagine going through all that without him right beside me...


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## lynnikins

Dh has been there for every one though he nearly missed ds2's arrival and he was my only assistant ( no mw or medical professional ) for ds3 and honestly i would hate to give birth without him there


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## xxxemmaxxx

I wouldn't be offended if OH didn't want to be there and wanted to wait outside.. I wouldn't want him to do anything he didn't want to.. he could be saying it for a good reason like he could have a panic attack or make me worry more..

My boss looked down the business end and it made him go all funny and when he was handed the baby he actually fainted (Still holding the baby) and crashed into the luckily empty pool.. baby wasn't hurt but he was knocked out and spent 4 hours in A&E! 

My OH does want to be there however, and I've said if there's any moments you want to leave the room or I want you to leave then we'll just say. We are pretty honest about it.. I said however he mustn't look down the business end!


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## XJessicaX

Oh yes, for me there was NOTHING I could have done for my husband to be more proud of me than labour. Just hearing him cry and thanking me for bringing our baby safely into the world I will never forget :)


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## magumbo

i was induced after 2 weeks of being over due and he was with me the entire time. He brought me water, food etc. Held my hair/ held me up while I was getting sick, fetched a midwife when the pain got really bad. Then at the birth he really spurred me on and held baby while I got my stitches. 
He kept saying how proud he was of me and how great I was, which is exactly what I needed! He was amazing. Said it was "beautiful"
However, I knew he would be and he knew not to keep asking me questions and the like. If you're not sure about DTB and his ability to cope, trust your gut. The last thing you need to be is annoyed/ irritated/ etc.


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## scotskid

I told my boyfriend I'd prefer if he's there, but wouldn't be TOO upset if he chose not to/didn't make it (we presently live in towns 20 miles apart and he doesn't drive, so he'd need his mother to drive him through). Which is actually a lie, I'd be devastated if he didn't make it. But every couple's different. My dad doesn't understand the logic of men not wanting to be there, since he jumped at the fact he could be present at mine and my siblings' births.


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## Nibeley

I couldn't bear it if my hubby wasn't there, after all it's his baby too. I feel it is something we should both share and he will reassure me.

However... he is staying up head end only (both of our wishes) as he said to go the other end would be like watching his favourite pub burn down! :)


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## Mummykez

For me it was but it isn't ideal for everyone x


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## Misslatino

Hubby says he wants to be there but baby girl is head up still so we may end up with a c section and he has already said if I feel like my mom would be more help that he would have no problem waiting outside. It's important he's there for it all to me but some men really don't want to be there because they don't want to see all of that. I don't want a mirror and am happy I don't have to see it! I also told hubby that he is not to look down under any circumstances without my authorization!


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## darkriver

My husband has been adamant from day one that he wants to be there for the birth, he wont cut the cord though :(.


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## snowfia

My OH was my rock when I gave birth, and I'm sure he will again with this one.
He would have been so disappointed if he wasn't there. He loved being there, being one of the first people to see and hold his child, experiencing it all, getting emotional etc. 
I wouldn't have wanted him to wait outside, I just think it's his child as much as it is mine and he has just as much right to me there as me haha.


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## Cassie96

I think it depends on the circumstance, I was always 100% that I wanted him there with me alongside my mum but because of the way he treats me and what hes puts me through this entire pregnancy, I don't really know if I want him to be there.
After all your birthing partner is there to support you through labour, right? And what do you do if he wouldn't support you and he would just cause more stress for you?


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## lauren26

I think a huge part of the reason that husbands waited in the waiting room during our granparents' generation is that women were basically put completely under during labor and delivery. Many women I know from that generation had their babies under sedation and anesthesia and were not awake for the birth. I imagine it's not a pleasant process when done this way and possibly it's because of that reason that fathers weren't allowed in. IMO, it's the father's baby and the father's birth, too, so he should be allowed to decide unless it's a circumstance where the father is unwelcome for personal reasons--violent, bad relationship, etc. I would and could never ask my husband to miss the birth of his child.


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