# At wits end with step child's behavior!!



## hopeful4bfp

I just don't know what to do anymore. It is to the point where I fear for my daughter's safety and life. I fully believe that he has a severe case of adhd but mom doesn't believe it, he is just a boy being a boy and it's our job to make sure he is constantly entertained and busy. 

Normally the son isn't living with us but cps took away both of mom's kids and placed them with us. And he is just all over the place all the time, is in constant trouble for not listening or following directions or doing what he is told. We've tried everything as punishments (spankings, grounding, loss of privileges, time outs, chores) I know he is only 7 but he does things that he knows he isn't suppose to, like I bought them bunk beds the first thing I said was not to ever jump off the top bunk, guess what the first thing he did was. Then he lied to my mother about it. Lying is another problem he constantly lies, even about the smallest of things. 

But what just has me up in arms now is that it is putting my 9 month old daughter in harms way. Just this past week he has endangered her twice. He picked her up ( which he is never suppose to do) out of her play area and put her on the couch and left her there while I was in the kitchen making dinner. She wound up flipping head over heals over the arm of the couch flat on her back on some toys. She was Ok, only cried til I picked her up but she could have been seriously hurt. Then about 2 days later his sister was playing with her and I heard her say "don't shove that in her mouth" when I asked what it was he said he tried to shove a nickel in her mouth.. A nickel!! I was soo mad all I could do was send him to his room before I did something I would regret. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've told him he is not allowed alone with the baby ever but that hasn't stop him from trying to shove a nickel in her mouth. I'm this close to leaving just to protect my daughter from her brother. I am saying that he is not allowed around the baby but it is hard to do when we live in such close quarters.

Anybody have any advice or even just words of encouragement would be nice...


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## Rachel_C

Honestly those sound like normal kid things to do, especially if he's not used to living with a little baby. If he's been removed from his mother's house I would imagine he is quite traumatised by that... and even before, if the home situation was bad enough to warrant removal he was obviously experiencing a difficult home life so it wouldn't necessarily be new behaviour caused by the move. 

Have you tried showing him lots of love and respect and teaching him the things you want him to do rather than the things he can't? There's no mention of anything positive you've tried, only punishments. I'm not assuming that's all you've tried, just asking if you have, because I know when behaviour is difficult it's easy to fall into a negative mentality and focusing on what needs to be stopped instead of what should be encouraged. 

I would try to see him picking up your LO in a positive light. He wanted to play! Perhaps you could work out some fun things they can do together (which you watch from a distance but not join in). Does he know what toys your LO likes? Simple things like sitting on the floor a metre apart and rolling a ball? Squeaking toys for your LO? Banging on pots together? I wouldn't say he can't play with her and I would try to make him feel like he has your trust (even if he doesn't, don't let him know you're watching). Perhaps ask him to help you out a bit - "Could you please find LO's favourite toy, she looks bored and she would love it if her big brother could shake it around for her?" etc. 

If you are really worried about your LO's safety, just don't leave her in a room alone with the other kids. I don't think I would leave a 9 month old alone with an older child, particularly one who hasn't been around her from birth.


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## Destiny08

hi!

I only have a 2 year old, but I helped raise my younger siblings who are now 12 and 13, and i worked in a primary school! 
it sounds to me like your stepson is acting out because of what's gone on with his mom. being taken away by cps is traumatic for any kid but!
firstly, i wanna say im not implying you're doing anything wrong! im just offering advice from what ive learned :)

all i can advise really is...take him in, and involve him. if you give him tasks to do to help you look after the little one instead of telling him to stay away from her, he may be less inclined to harm her when he is with her.

im also not a believer in punishments. im more of a rewards person. i overlook something a child does wrong, and focus on what they do right. for a few reasons.

firstly, if he's acting out for attention, any attention is good attention, even if its bad. so simply...dont give him attention for what he does wrong. at most, give him a disappointed look, get down to his level and say in a calm voice 'that wasnt very kind, but i understand you were angry. I'd appreciate it if you apologised' and leave it at that. however, if he apologises, make a HUGE deal of it. reward him, thank him. do whatever you have to to show him if he wants attention, if he wants things, he needs to be kind to do it.

secondly, he'll learn not to expect what he wants, but to earn it, by being kind. he'll learn that you're happy when he's "good" (also not really a word i like  i prefer kind or sensible) and when you're happy, you're nicer, and more likely to let him stay up 10 more minutes, or give him the extra cookie lol 

so look at it as...if he's kind, he gets something as opposed to if he's not, he loses something. 

thirdly! explain. i grew up in a family where i was never given reasons. kids appreciate being able to figure things out for themselves. ie dont say 'never ever jump off the top bunk' but rather say "right, what do you think could happen if you jumped off the top bunk? you could hurt yourself right? and what if you landed on someone? then you'd hurt them too! so lets not jump off the top bunk, ok?" and make a big deal of him, even if all he says is 'ok' lol say things like "well done! that was really good thinking wasnt it? you thought really hard about it. why dont you go tell your dad why we wont jump off the top bunk?" and get your husband to make a big deal of how clever he was to think about it like that too.

these are just ideas ofc! but from my experience, ive learned positive reinforcement works much better than negative. children would much rather be appreciated for what they do right than have focus put on what they do wrong.

hope this helps, and i hope he settles down soon :)


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## hopeful4bfp

I would reward the good behavior if there was any or if the good behavior isn't immediately followed by bad. This is a child that is sent to the principal's office on a weekly if not daily basis. Who comes home and lies and runs around doesn't do his homework, trashes his room, doesn't listen. I know Y'all are thinking this is just from having cps involved but it's not. I've known this little boys for years and he has always been like this.

I don't want him playing with my daughter because he can't just sit down and roll a ball or wiggle a toy at her. He has to constantly either be picking her up and spinning her around or running around with her or yanking on her arms and legs. And what if he trips or drops her or yanks her arm out of socket, I can't do that. Yesterday she was playing with a toy and he took it from her and started slamming it on the floor trying to break it. I've worked in the mental health field all my adult life many years with children , I know a lot of techniques and read a lot of books but I just can't find anything that works. He just doesn't listen, it doesn't matter if I praise him and give him extra dessert that night because he'll be back in trouble before the night is over, I've tried it all. 

I told dh that either we get him evaluated for adhd or I'm leaving. I can not put my daughter in harms way. She needs me to speak for her I am her voice and I do not like how he is with her. 

And with the make him apologize, I've done that too. It doesn't make a difference. He apologizes then goes off and does it again in a couple hours. If I rewarded him for apologizing then he would learn he could act up and just apologize and get rewarded, definitely not the message I want to send. 

Also I just want to clarify he doesn't do things because he is angry, he just does things as they pop in his head. He doesn't think things through. Like the nickel incident, the thought pop in his head and he did it before he could think it was a bad idea. It is all normal kids stuff he is doing but to an extreme level. 

At this point, it has come down to that he has to prove he can listen and make good decisions before he can be around my daughter again and that is the only thing I can think of at this moment to protect my daughter and my sanity.


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## Destiny08

fair enough really, i hope things sort themselves out soon :) i can completely understand your concern for your daughter, and as you said, you're her voice and she needs your protection. you're doing right by her and thats what matters :)


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## kit10grl

maybe he is acting out because he doesn't feel included yet? I was always made very aware at my step mums house what I wasnt to play with as it was her sons. And it does show in your posts that you don't see him as one of you kids. You call him stepchild in the post title but every other time its 'the son' or 'he' or 'his sister' which might be fine but every time you refer to the baby you say 'my baby' or 'my daughter'. It might not see much but its the little things like this that will eventually make him resent the baby. I think telling him he isn't allowed to play with the baby is also the wrong move It just emphasises the difference between them.

I know your worried but you really need to work at including them together. It just needs to be very closely monitored. And if he was acting up like this before its likely because the mother didn't set good ground rules. He doesn't know how to behave. That will make it more difficult for you to start that now he is older. He needs consistency and a firm but fair and loving family unit now. I would say you need to think of him as a very young toddler age who is at that level of understanding with the rules and go from there. You wouldn't expect a toddler to go long periods of time without needing reminding of something so until things improve I would start there.


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## hopeful4bfp

We did include him and we did let him play with the baby but it's when his level of play went from disruptive to dangerous that I had to step in and separate them. When he tried to shove a nickel in her mouth she was literally being held by someone else and they pushed him away, which is why he didn't succeed. If that happened while they were that closely monitored then what can happen when I have to run to the bathroom or fix dinner or whatever else that takes my eyes away from him. I have other responsibilities that I can't skirt to keep a close eye on him to make sure he has harmed her. Separation is the only way I know how to do that.

And just to be clear we call him our son and he calls my mom grandma and everything is shared equally. So it's not that I'm favoring my daughter.


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## kit10grl

You don't mention how old the sister is. My understanding was that she is also a child and so in my book her, the boy and the baby together would still count as unsupervised. 

I'm aware its difficult to supervise more than one child. However my toddler is slowly learning what is acceptable behaviour with his sister who is disabled (developmentally 7 months old) because I supervise anytime they are playing together. I also separate them when I cant be right there but would never say to him that he cant play with the baby now because it would just make it all the more tempting for him to go do that. Other family members will try to keep him away from the baby and I always say not to as he will never learn how to play with her if he is never allowed, if you keep showing him what is allowed and how fun that can be whilst continuing to be consistent with discouraging the bad behaviour, no matter how many times he repeats it he will eventually get the idea. Nothing you have described says to me that he has ADHD to be honest. Just that he is a rowdy litlte boy who hasn't had good boundaries in the past.


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## Foogirl

So, if the diagnosis was ADHD, what would you hope to gain with that? Stick him on Ritalin and Hope his behaviour becomes more manageable? Or would you be looking for othe methods to help him? If it is the latter, why not look for those methods and try them anyway, diagnosis or not, if he is displaying similar behaviours then any form of management would help.

I agree with those who say he is a 7 year old who has had a chaotic life. He needs love, support and understanding. When children don't behave the way we want, the first thing to do is look at our behaviour and see if anything we are doing is the cause of it. Most of the time it is, but you have to be really prepared to open yourself up to looking at your own behaviour.

Set the boundaries and help him work within them, don't set them and just hope he meets them himself. Teach him how to be part of a loving family, spend some 1 to 1 time with him and have your OH do the same. Of course it is tough with other children to look after, but surely easier than walking out and becoming a single mum. That seems like a very drastic measure. Basically your are saying to your husband you think your kids are more important than the stepson. That's how I would have reacted if I were given that ultimatum.


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## JASMAK

I think you are overreacting. This child sounds completely normal. You shouldn't leave your baby unattended, especially with other children. Sounds like you have unrealistic expectations. Spankings? Don't even get me started! He is a child....let him be one! Talk to him about lying...like why, but he is LEARNING still. He is young! You are expecting more than you should. My 10 year old would do those things....they are kids! I actually don't think step parents should discipline. Take a step parenting class....for his sake. He deserves a good life.


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## JASMAK

hopeful4bfp said:


> I would reward the good behavior if there was any or if the good behavior isn't immediately followed by bad. This is a child that is sent to the principal's office on a weekly if not daily basis. Who comes home and lies and runs around doesn't do his homework, trashes his room, doesn't listen. I know Y'all are thinking this is just from having cps involved but it's not. I've known this little boys for years and he has always been like this.
> 
> I don't want him playing with my daughter because he can't just sit down and roll a ball or wiggle a toy at her. He has to constantly either be picking her up and spinning her around or running around with her or yanking on her arms and legs. And what if he trips or drops her or yanks her arm out of socket, I can't do that. Yesterday she was playing with a toy and he took it from her and started slamming it on the floor trying to break it. I've worked in the mental health field all my adult life many years with children , I know a lot of techniques and read a lot of books but I just can't find anything that works. He just doesn't listen, it doesn't matter if I praise him and give him extra dessert that night because he'll be back in trouble before the night is over, I've tried it all.
> 
> I told dh that either we get him evaluated for adhd or I'm leaving. I can not put my daughter in harms way. She needs me to speak for her I am her voice and I do not like how he is with her.
> 
> And with the make him apologize, I've done that too. It doesn't make a difference. He apologizes then goes off and does it again in a couple hours. If I rewarded him for apologizing then he would learn he could act up and just apologize and get rewarded, definitely not the message I want to send.
> 
> Also I just want to clarify he doesn't do things because he is angry, he just does things as they pop in his head. He doesn't think things through. Like the nickel incident, the thought pop in his head and he did it before he could think it was a bad idea. It is all normal kids stuff he is doing but to an extreme level.
> 
> At this point, it has come down to that he has to prove he can listen and make good decisions before he can be around my daughter again and that is the only thing I can think of at this moment to protect my daughter and my sanity.


Oh for Gods sake! Really? My son does that to my daughter. Its how boys play. Sounds like no one is good enough for your precious baby. I think it boils down to respect. He needs to feel it, to show it. So show it. You are trash talking him so bad....I feel sorry for him. :( And giving an ultimatum about your husbands son....that is low class.


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## hopeful4bfp

JASMAK said:


> hopeful4bfp said:
> 
> 
> I would reward the good behavior if there was any or if the good behavior isn't immediately followed by bad. This is a child that is sent to the principal's office on a weekly if not daily basis. Who comes home and lies and runs around doesn't do his homework, trashes his room, doesn't listen. I know Y'all are thinking this is just from having cps involved but it's not. I've known this little boys for years and he has always been like this.
> 
> I don't want him playing with my daughter because he can't just sit down and roll a ball or wiggle a toy at her. He has to constantly either be picking her up and spinning her around or running around with her or yanking on her arms and legs. And what if he trips or drops her or yanks her arm out of socket, I can't do that. Yesterday she was playing with a toy and he took it from her and started slamming it on the floor trying to break it. I've worked in the mental health field all my adult life many years with children , I know a lot of techniques and read a lot of books but I just can't find anything that works. He just doesn't listen, it doesn't matter if I praise him and give him extra dessert that night because he'll be back in trouble before the night is over, I've tried it all.
> 
> I told dh that either we get him evaluated for adhd or I'm leaving. I can not put my daughter in harms way. She needs me to speak for her I am her voice and I do not like how he is with her.
> 
> And with the make him apologize, I've done that too. It doesn't make a difference. He apologizes then goes off and does it again in a couple hours. If I rewarded him for apologizing then he would learn he could act up and just apologize and get rewarded, definitely not the message I want to send.
> 
> Also I just want to clarify he doesn't do things because he is angry, he just does things as they pop in his head. He doesn't think things through. Like the nickel incident, the thought pop in his head and he did it before he could think it was a bad idea. It is all normal kids stuff he is doing but to an extreme level.
> 
> At this point, it has come down to that he has to prove he can listen and make good decisions before he can be around my daughter again and that is the only thing I can think of at this moment to protect my daughter and my sanity.
> 
> 
> Oh for Gods sake! Really? My son does that to my daughter. Its how boys play. Sounds like no one is good enough for your precious baby. I think it boils down to respect. He needs to feel it, to show it. So show it. You are trash talking him so bad....I feel sorry for him. :( And giving an ultimatum about your husbands son....that is low class.Click to expand...

all Y'all know is what I tell yall.. I'm not the one that doles out punishments I leave that to dad.. and Y'all don't have to live with him everyday.. Y'all got the basic of what I put up with that's it.. so if this is all the stuff your kids would do, I agree it's all normal stuff but to an extreme degree like I said before he can't sit still or be quiet when appropriate or follow simple rules or commands... I came on here looking for other ideas and support not to be bashed because I was having a hard time with it and came to vent.. better me coming here to vent then taking it out on him I treat all the kids equal, Y'all have the hard facts not everyday life. And you can think I'm trash talking him but it truly is just a description of his behavior.. 

so think whatever you want of me but to tell you the truth when these kids came into my life I wasn't even told or asked.. I came home from work one day and they were here.. I've tried to simplify things, being a role model and I have been a good parent but it's hard to erase 6 years of bad parenting in a month so I was asking for ideas. And yes I love my daughter and would never want any harm to come to her so if your comfortable with letting your son be rough with your daughter and potentially hurt her that's your business but don't judge me for not letting that happen in my home.. your comments were unnecessary and unhelpful, go take your form of 'support' somewhere else cause its unneeded here...


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## kit10grl

Its only been a month? The way you spoke it implied you had been trying for a long time. No in simple terms you cant erase six years of bad parenting in a month. Its unrealistic to have ever thought that. I stand by what I said before consistency and time is what he needs. If you are willing to quit after a month then you really aren't thinking of them as your children. How will you deal hen your baby is a tantrumming toddler? Are you only going to give her a month to learn she shouldn't throw tantrums? Or would you keep going with it everyday because she is your child and that's what parents do?


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## JASMAK

hopeful4bfp said:


> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hopeful4bfp said:
> 
> 
> I would reward the good behavior if there was any or if the good behavior isn't immediately followed by bad. This is a child that is sent to the principal's office on a weekly if not daily basis. Who comes home and lies and runs around doesn't do his homework, trashes his room, doesn't listen. I know Y'all are thinking this is just from having cps involved but it's not. I've known this little boys for years and he has always been like this.
> 
> I don't want him playing with my daughter because he can't just sit down and roll a ball or wiggle a toy at her. He has to constantly either be picking her up and spinning her around or running around with her or yanking on her arms and legs. And what if he trips or drops her or yanks her arm out of socket, I can't do that. Yesterday she was playing with a toy and he took it from her and started slamming it on the floor trying to break it. I've worked in the mental health field all my adult life many years with children , I know a lot of techniques and read a lot of books but I just can't find anything that works. He just doesn't listen, it doesn't matter if I praise him and give him extra dessert that night because he'll be back in trouble before the night is over, I've tried it all.
> 
> I told dh that either we get him evaluated for adhd or I'm leaving. I can not put my daughter in harms way. She needs me to speak for her I am her voice and I do not like how he is with her.
> 
> And with the make him apologize, I've done that too. It doesn't make a difference. He apologizes then goes off and does it again in a couple hours. If I rewarded him for apologizing then he would learn he could act up and just apologize and get rewarded, definitely not the message I want to send.
> 
> Also I just want to clarify he doesn't do things because he is angry, he just does things as they pop in his head. He doesn't think things through. Like the nickel incident, the thought pop in his head and he did it before he could think it was a bad idea. It is all normal kids stuff he is doing but to an extreme level.
> 
> At this point, it has come down to that he has to prove he can listen and make good decisions before he can be around my daughter again and that is the only thing I can think of at this moment to protect my daughter and my sanity.
> 
> 
> Oh for Gods sake! Really? My son does that to my daughter. Its how boys play. Sounds like no one is good enough for your precious baby. I think it boils down to respect. He needs to feel it, to show it. So show it. You are trash talking him so bad....I feel sorry for him. :( And giving an ultimatum about your husbands son....that is low class.Click to expand...
> 
> all Y'all know is what I tell yall.. I'm not the one that doles out punishments I leave that to dad.. and Y'all don't have to live with him everyday.. Y'all got the basic of what I put up with that's it.. so if this is all the stuff your kids would do, I agree it's all normal stuff but to an extreme degree like I said before he can't sit still or be quiet when appropriate or follow simple rules or commands... I came on here looking for other ideas and support not to be bashed because I was having a hard time with it and came to vent.. better me coming here to vent then taking it out on him I treat all the kids equal, Y'all have the hard facts not everyday life. And you can think I'm trash talking him but it truly is just a description of his behavior..
> 
> so think whatever you want of me but to tell you the truth when these kids came into my life I wasn't even told or asked.. I came home from work one day and they were here.. I've tried to simplify things, being a role model and I have been a good parent but it's hard to erase 6 years of bad parenting in a month so I was asking for ideas. And yes I love my daughter and would never want any harm to come to her so if your comfortable with letting your son be rough with your daughter and potentially hurt her that's your business but don't judge me for not letting that happen in my home.. your comments were unnecessary and unhelpful, go take your form of 'support' somewhere else cause its unneeded here...Click to expand...

Well, if you are coming here, asking for us to codone how you are treating him, you arent getting it from me. If you dont feel like you can be the mother he deserves, then maybe you should step out of the picture instead of trying to get your husband to take his child out of his life! I dont sugar coat truths. If you wanted advice, you are getting it. I just dont think its what you wanted to hear. But you are the adult. He is a child.


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## hopeful4bfp

JASMAK said:


> hopeful4bfp said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> hopeful4bfp said:
> 
> 
> I would reward the good behavior if there was any or if the good behavior isn't immediately followed by bad. This is a child that is sent to the principal's office on a weekly if not daily basis. Who comes home and lies and runs around doesn't do his homework, trashes his room, doesn't listen. I know Y'all are thinking this is just from having cps involved but it's not. I've known this little boys for years and he has always been like this.
> 
> I don't want him playing with my daughter because he can't just sit down and roll a ball or wiggle a toy at her. He has to constantly either be picking her up and spinning her around or running around with her or yanking on her arms and legs. And what if he trips or drops her or yanks her arm out of socket, I can't do that. Yesterday she was playing with a toy and he took it from her and started slamming it on the floor trying to break it. I've worked in the mental health field all my adult life many years with children , I know a lot of techniques and read a lot of books but I just can't find anything that works. He just doesn't listen, it doesn't matter if I praise him and give him extra dessert that night because he'll be back in trouble before the night is over, I've tried it all.
> 
> I told dh that either we get him evaluated for adhd or I'm leaving. I can not put my daughter in harms way. She needs me to speak for her I am her voice and I do not like how he is with her.
> 
> And with the make him apologize, I've done that too. It doesn't make a difference. He apologizes then goes off and does it again in a couple hours. If I rewarded him for apologizing then he would learn he could act up and just apologize and get rewarded, definitely not the message I want to send.
> 
> Also I just want to clarify he doesn't do things because he is angry, he just does things as they pop in his head. He doesn't think things through. Like the nickel incident, the thought pop in his head and he did it before he could think it was a bad idea. It is all normal kids stuff he is doing but to an extreme level.
> 
> At this point, it has come down to that he has to prove he can listen and make good decisions before he can be around my daughter again and that is the only thing I can think of at this moment to protect my daughter and my sanity.
> 
> 
> Oh for Gods sake! Really? My son does that to my daughter. Its how boys play. Sounds like no one is good enough for your precious baby. I think it boils down to respect. He needs to feel it, to show it. So show it. You are trash talking him so bad....I feel sorry for him. :( And giving an ultimatum about your husbands son....that is low class.Click to expand...
> 
> all Y'all know is what I tell yall.. I'm not the one that doles out punishments I leave that to dad.. and Y'all don't have to live with him everyday.. Y'all got the basic of what I put up with that's it.. so if this is all the stuff your kids would do, I agree it's all normal stuff but to an extreme degree like I said before he can't sit still or be quiet when appropriate or follow simple rules or commands... I came on here looking for other ideas and support not to be bashed because I was having a hard time with it and came to vent.. better me coming here to vent then taking it out on him I treat all the kids equal, Y'all have the hard facts not everyday life. And you can think I'm trash talking him but it truly is just a description of his behavior..
> 
> so think whatever you want of me but to tell you the truth when these kids came into my life I wasn't even told or asked.. I came home from work one day and they were here.. I've tried to simplify things, being a role model and I have been a good parent but it's hard to erase 6 years of bad parenting in a month so I was asking for ideas. And yes I love my daughter and would never want any harm to come to her so if your comfortable with letting your son be rough with your daughter and potentially hurt her that's your business but don't judge me for not letting that happen in my home.. your comments were unnecessary and unhelpful, go take your form of 'support' somewhere else cause its unneeded here...Click to expand...
> 
> Well, if you are coming here, asking for us to codone how you are treating him, you arent getting it from me. If you dont feel like you can be the mother he deserves, then maybe you should step out of the picture instead of trying to get your husband to take his child out of his life! I dont sugar coat truths. If you wanted advice, you are getting it. I just dont think its what you wanted to hear. But you are the adult. He is a child.Click to expand...

You have no idea how I treat him. You've made a wrong assumption of how I treat him. And I've never asked my oh to take his son out of his life. . I'm the one that has always pushed for him to have a bigger part of his life.. I'm asking that he get him the help he needs. Whether it's counseling, meds, therapy, or whatever he needs. But he is the type that if it's inconvenience for him he isn't going to do anything about it. When this whole thing happened with cps, I told him that both of the kids need to sit down with a counselor and talk about it but it took me screaming and yelling for him to even make a phone call. So me threatening him that I will leave is just to get him off his ass. . I can't set up his appointments as I'm not his guardian he has to step up and the only way is if it will be an inconvenience for him not too. . 

As for how I treat him.. He gets up and goes to school, he comes home, I help with any homework, cook dinner, eat as a family, we play board games as a family, then he showers and goes to bed.. It's in between all that he needs constant redirection and it's when he goes over the well drawn out line he is sent to his room and when dad gets home, dad deals with him.. The biggest punishment I have ever given out is a time out.. I don't treat him badly at all


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## mummy2o

Does he have any school friends or able to make friends when you take him to the park? Also can you describe more why you think he has ADHD as ignoring instructions and not sitting still can be pretty normal in some boys. So for example is he able to stay focus on the task at hand or does he need encouragement. Does he flick from one activity to another in a short space of time as he's bored? Does he have one favourite thing he can do for hours on end? Is he able to play with a variety of different things for a certain time scale. Also can he decode body language, like if someone is upset can he see it without them crying. Just basically everything which makes him different from a 'normal' child.


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## hopeful4bfp

I have worked in the mental health field with children for a long time and have researched the signs.. We have been called in to his school counselor to be told they think he has adhd.. Also from what there mom said so has every other counselor in the other schools he went to. He has no friends anywhere and even gets yelled at by kids to leave them alone as he plays very rough and wild and won't stop if they ask... He has major boundary issues which we are working on.. but the major sign is the impulsiveness, he has absolutely no decision making process because once a thought pops in his mind he's already doing it.. He can't stay on a task without being practically stood over and constantly redirected.. I know that getting him diagnosed is just the beginning but it needs to be done so he can have a happy full life with out his parents breathing down his neck constantly..


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## Foogirl

hopeful4bfp said:


> so think whatever you want of me but to tell you the truth when these kids came into my life I wasn't even told or asked.. I came home from work one day and they were here..

"these kids" (the ones you claim you love and treat as if they were your own) came into your life the day you decided to have a relationship with their father. If you didn't want step children in your life, you shouldn't have had family with a man who already had one.

But sure, if Ritalin will make these children pliable enough for you, go right ahead and threaten to leave their father if he refuses to get a diagnosis.:dohh:


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## lhancock90

I think you are vastly overestimating the mental capacity of a 7 year old. He's not a teenager, or a young adult or a tween. He's a little boy. His parents are split, he has a step mom and a new baby sister, his own mom has suddenly dissapeared and he sounds like he's had it rough.

He's behaving exactly as I'd expect him to, he's acting out and lashing out because he doesn't understand what's happening to him.

I have to be honest it sounds very much like you think your baby should come above your OHs other children and like you are forcing him to make a choice. It's been a month. If you are truly invested in a relationship like this then threatening to leave is not exactly the best step. You didn't just "come home one day and they were there" they were apart of your OHs life from the moment you met and you went ahead in a relationship knowing that.

You can take him to the doctors, force medication on him but to be honest it sounds like what he really needs is love, a bit of attention, someone to talk to him and reassure him and to be treated as though he is every bit a part of your family as your baby. 

The problems with what he's done to your daughter are your fault. I'm sorry but you left them unattended. 

You are looking for everything to blame except what really is at fault, the situation he's been unexpectedly placed in and the way hes being treated there.


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## mummy2o

I wish you guys all stop bashing her. Its a big step from becoming a every other weekend mom (I'm guessing) to the main carer. I think most would need help if they had an unruly 7 year old come into our house full time. I will agree that her choice that she shouldn't of left the children unattended and maybe for an example if she wants to cook dinner have her daughter in her high chair with some toys on the tray for her to play with, so she can keep an eye on her whilst the older ones amuse themselves.

As for the diagnoses will your hubby agree to getting one done? I'd also look into Aspergers and many who do get diagnosed with ADHD get wrongly diagnosed and end up with an Aspergers one later. Also is the school the same one he went to when he was living with his mom? If so make a meeting with the school and ask for their help on how to handle him better as they may already have some tricks up their sleeves which might work at home. Plus its good to be consistence in both environment.

As for other things, work on one thing you want to change at a time, not everything at once as it will get to much to work on all at once. Start with the basic house rules. If you haven't done so already write them out on a big piece of paper/card and put it somewhere he will see it daily. They work better with both verbal and written instructions. Have the same consequence and don't be afraid to punish him yourself with your partners consent of course. If my DS plays up and I don't tell him off there and then he'll forget what he did wrong by the time my the time my partner finishes work. Make sure its the same one. It won't work first time, maybe not the 10th or even the 100th, but eventually something will click. Maybe do what super nanny does and have a time out place and he can't move and gets put back every time he moves and has to restart his time. It will be a long process, but if the outcome outweighs all the effort and time then surely its worth doing. Also praise him for even the smallest of achievements. Like congratulating him for finishing his homework. I find I concentrate better if I have something like a stress ball in my left hand as I get less bored, so maybe a small change like that will keep him more occupied and able to focus better. You could always get the school to tell you his daily homework so you can see if he's lying about it.

Also allow him to engage in his favourite activities or strengths and if possible use them as a reward. If my son could, he'd live on his computer 24/7, but he also enjoys riding, playing the piano and going outside in all weather. We make sure we go outside to the park or somewhere similar at least once a week so he gets some decent exercise. He also has a indoor trampoline (adult fitness one) so he can let off some extra energy in there.

I'm sure your doing a great job, just keep at it and remember change doesn't happen over night and just show him lots of love and attention until it clicks and he'll be the stepson you've always wanted.


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## hopeful4bfp

To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..

What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..


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## JASMAK

Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.


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## mummy2o

JASMAK said:


> Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.

I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun. 

Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.


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## kit10grl

mummy2o said:


> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.
> 
> I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun.
> 
> Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, *no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.*Click to expand...

Well no, no one is asking that of her but she seems to be asking it of the boy? that's what the issue is. You cant say she needs time to adjust etc but then not allow that same time and adjustment for the child. But she has said well he isn't perfectly behaved after a month there must be something wrong with him. His dad needs to get him diagnosed or I'm leaving. She also then said she wouldn't really leave its just an empty threat to get the dad to do what she wants which is very shallow and manipulative to be honest. And not very supportive of her OH who is probably also going through a big adjustment. And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.

No one expects you to have it all together yet but you need to stop expecting the child should. Your the adult if your finding it hard the kid is probably completely over whelmed.


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## Eternal

Firstly, there is a huge difference between working with and loving with a child with mental health or developmental issues. He honestly sounds like a normal 7 year old boy who is having a really hard time of it. Boys are different from girls. 

I have a child who is going trough diagnosis for autism and ADHD, so I can tell you that even of he does have ADHD, it's going to be a hellishly long road, my son has been being assessed for over a year and we have several assessments and paper work from professionals confirming both autism and ADHD, but it still is a process and need goodness knows how many professionals to confirm it. Then if your hoping for drugs. That is a long process and a lot of rebalancing medication. 

You as a family still have a huge amount of evaluations, and assessments of your parenting, relationships etc, the fact he is going trough such a traumatic time will probably mean that will delay assessments even longer, because it would be cruel to start assessing a child who has only been re homed away firm his mother a month. 

How is he at school? Are the school saying their have concerns? 

I really feel for him, because ADHD or not, he needs love, and if it's ADHD he needs really good support and routine etc. 

I Imagine it's really difficult for all of you, and I do feel for you, parenting is hard no matter what. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be taking on somebody else's child at that age, especially when you have another child. So respect to you for doing it. 

But the child needs love, he is a boy and boys typically are quite rough, you should see the fights just between my two year old twins. With the older one. I think you clearly do need support but not sure what type I'd available for a 7 year old, perhaps call your health visitor and ask, say it's very difficult adjustment time, you have concerns over ADHD, and he needs to learn some cope strategies, plus you are struggling. 

The fact is loads of woman struggle when they have a new baby but it would be much hater of the child was so much older and distressed and angry. But he sounds like he is having such a difficult time, and it's mot a case of, I'll give him praise, he does something wrong so clearly that didn't work. Flip we all screw up! Keep the praise when when it's difficult, reward good behaviours, let him know he is safe, not allowing him to play with his sister must be quite difficult for a child to understand.


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## JASMAK

mummy2o said:


> JASMAK said:
> 
> 
> Sorry to hear you call his kids problems. Shame.
> 
> I'm sorry you have to be so judgemental as there two sides to every story and your not there at her house 24/7 to know what actually goes on. People only tend to tell the worse part never the good. Your also apparently unable to read. Its kid not kids. The 11 year old isn't his. He agreed to look after them after their mother couldn't. Its a life changing situation considering she's hardly ever met the child. My OH came into my son's life when he was 5, its not the easiest thing for him as he's never been around kids for more than an hour or two once a year, when he sees his brothers kids and none of them have the disability my son has. They don't always see eye to eye, plus my son is very much a mummy's boy, has been even when I was with his dad. So there are times they're jealous of each other, but they also can have a great relationship, as OH does more rough play with him and goes on all the rides with him at fairs and parks. Its just finding the right balance of discipline and fun.
> 
> Hopeful: Just ignore what others say. As you said, your doing the best you can in the given circumstances and its not easy. Just take it a day at the time, no one is asking you to become super mum in a matter of days.Click to expand...


Oh, so you are there and know differently? Oh, so you are making a judgement too? Nuff said.


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## hopeful4bfp

And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad. 

How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in *2* kids that are not mine..


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## lhancock90

hopeful4bfp said:


> And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.
> 
> How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in *2* kids that are not mine..

It's completely fair you are struggling to adjust but I think the problem is that you can't see that the children might be struggling to adjust aswell :shrug:

It's a difficult situation all round but instead of looking for answers in ADHD and doctors I think you all need to consider that children are affected by more than they can say. It's difficult as a child to verbalise how much a family breakup' new sibling and change of surroundings can effect you. 

I think as a family, because that's what you are, you all need to sit down and talk.

I also think it's worth remembering 7 years old is still very very little. 

Good luck OP.

X


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## kit10grl

hopeful4bfp said:


> And he sounds like a good guy to be fair, not many would take on their exes child to bring up when they aren't even the dad.
> 
> How is it that oh is a good guy for taking in a child is not his.. but I'm the devil incarnate for struggling to adjust to taking in *2* kids that are not mine..

First of all I never said you were the devil incarnate. But god forbid anyone recognise the fact your husband did a good thing FOR THE KIDS.


And my whole point is that now they ARE your kids. You are there in place of the mum that makes them your kids too now. Get over thinking about yourself for five minutes.


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## Foogirl

hopeful4bfp said:


> To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..
> 
> What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..

And however disruptive it is to your life and however difficult it is for you to deal with, think about it from his point of view. How would you feel as a seven year old boy if one morning you woke up and your mum wasn't there and you were taken to live with a dad and a mum that wasn't even yours? Never mind how chaotic his life has been, that in the mind of a seven year old boy is a whole lot to deal with, when you haven't had the experience of life or a chance to really learn about emotions and how to handle them.

What would I do if it happened to me? Well, first of all I know it wouldn't as I know my husband has no other children. But if he did, and I knew that, no matter how many times he had seen them I would have known they were a part of his life. If he had done something so extreme without speaking to me first I would understand it was obviously something he did because he felt he had to and there was no other option. I would sit him down and talk about it and work out how we were going to cope. I guess to me, that"s what my marriage is about.


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## JASMAK

Foogirl said:


> hopeful4bfp said:
> 
> 
> To all you ladies that say I accepted the kids when I got with oh.. just to yall know he had seen his son maybe 4 times in the 2 years I've know him. . And the little girl isn't his and before I literally walked in from work to find them in the living room I had never met her.. Now yall can bash me all you want but I don't think any one of yall would not be overwhelmed and feel completely out of control if any of yall were in the same situation... I went from having an infant who has very basic needs, formula, diapers, cuddle to a 7 year old and 11 year old problems..judge all you want but I am doing my best that I can with what was thrown at me without notice..
> 
> What would yall do if your oh just agreed to take in 2 children without talking to you before hand?.. especially when your the main breadwinner and you are barely making it as it is.. I think you would a little stressed out and not know how to handle a out of control child. . And just so yall know i have a 9 year old nephew that I had a large hand in raising so I know what its like to be around a 7 year old boy..
> 
> And however disruptive it is to your life and however difficult it is for you to deal with, think about it from his point of view. How would you feel as a seven year old boy if one morning you woke up and your mum wasn't there and you were taken to live with a dad and a mum that wasn't even yours? Never mind how chaotic his life has been, that in the mind of a seven year old boy is a whole lot to deal with, when you haven't had the experience of life or a chance to really learn about emotions and how to handle them.
> 
> What would I do if it happened to me? Well, first of all I know it wouldn't as I know my husband has no other children. But if he did, and I knew that, no matter how many times he had seen them I would have known they were a part of his life. If he had done something so extreme without speaking to me first I would understand it was obviously something he did because he felt he had to and there was no other option. I would sit him down and talk about it and work out how we were going to cope. I guess to me, that"s what my marriage is about.Click to expand...

This is why this situation is so upsetting to me! He is a child. He is passed around like he is an object. You described this perfectly. He needs adults to take care of him, teach him trust and respect, teach him rules and boundaries. Would it be hard? Damn right! But he never chose this!


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## pinklightbulb

Oh dear....

My ex has a child that has autism. Yes, I knew about, loved, and treated the child like my own from the day I got with my ex (I met him through the child, strangely enough, so had bonded to the boy before my XH ever). 

It didn't mean some days weren't damn hard and it wasn't a struggle. I had no children of my own and found some days almost intolerable. As a new mother, some days I'd have been a certified basket case. It's not that I resented the child, but the behaviour and at times the disruption to my "normal" life on the difficult days. I would have given anything for this child but at the same time, some days I just wanted to hide away and second-guessed my relationship because I wasn't sure I would be able to handle this forever (I met XH when I was 19, and he was 27). I was only young and not used to children, much less how to care for a special needs one. 

For a child to be properly cared for, parents need to be in a good headspace as well. So the feelings of the parents are still valid... sometimes it does affect the way we see things and colour our judgement of a situation. I know it did mine on the hard days. It didn't mean I didn't love the boy, I was just human and I had bad days as well.

So I can both sympathise with OP and see the opposite POV that has been displayed here. Dealing with a child with special needs (or potential special needs) that is not yours is quite possibly harder, because you don't have the same amount of power as the biological/legal parent. You feel helpless at times and it sounds like OP has just reached her wits' end and is reaching out.


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## Foogirl

I am raising a child with special needs. I totally get the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and as a mum I am Ill equipped to cope some days. Some days I am overwhelmed.

But never once do I look at my four year old and wonder what she needs to do differently to help me out. I never think it is her behaviour that is the problem. I have no problem with the OP admitting things are a struggle. Where I am concerned is, it's all about her and what the seven year old needs to do to make her life better.


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## sandilion

Stop resenting him and include him. Give him jobs to do to help with the baby, and/or dinner. I can totally understand your fear and concerns for your baby's safety, but in order for this to work it sounds like you need to change your approach and mind set. Telling him he isn't allowed near the baby is only going to alienate him and make him more distressed and anxious and bitter. He was taken from his mother.... that's gonna effect him! :( More negativity on top of that is only going to be a vicious cycle.

Also, don't leave your baby unsupervised with other children. Seriously reading your posts here sounds like you're talking about a 14 year old rather than a 7 year old. You are expecting way too much from this child. He's 7!!!

And it's not the children's fault that they suddenly turned up. You sound really cold.... I understand we get protective of our babies, but this is your little family now. So you need to make this work and the way you're doing it right now is not gonna work. 

There has been some really good advice in this thread so I really hope you manage to take some on board. I hope it all works out.


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## bumpbear

I've read through all of the thread, and you've received lots of great advice. Some of it has been given harshly, but it's still good advice. 

I just wanted to echo sentiments that you please for a second take a step back and see things from your step-sons point of view. I know things are hard for you, and I really do feel bad for you. It can't be easy. But at least you are still in your own home and have your family around you. 

This poor child has had a terrible upbringing, has been ripped away from his mother and his home, is now living with a father he barely knows, in a strange place with a new mother and sibling, has already been 'spanked' in an effort to discipline him and has been told that he is not allowed to go near his little sister. I know you say you haven't been awful to him, but he must be picking up on your 'unhappy with him' vibe. Kids are not stupid. Its no wonder he is acting up. 

Even if he does have ADHD, no matter how terrible his behaviour is or gets (it could get worse), please remember that he is a child who is going through the worst time possible. Be patient and realize its only been a few weeks - there is no way you have tried 'everything possible' to get him to behave yet because one of the key things to do this is to give him TIME to adjust and he's not had that yet. One month is NO TIME AT ALL.

Think about how you'd like someone to treat your own daughter if she were in his shoes and behave that way towards him.


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