# Finally BFP, but husband very upset. Anyone else experience this?



## Aomame

For a long time I've wanted a child & my husband did not. After several years he finally agreed to let us try & whatever happened happened. I think he thought it would never happen because I'm overweight w/ PCOS. After 5 months of trying, I finally got my BFP.

I told him today after confirming w/ a blood test & at first he thought I was kidding, then he was in shock & then he became extremely depressed. I asked if he was mad at me & he said no. I said I love you & he said "I love you too", but he's practically ignoring me/avoiding me. He is hardly talking to me or looking at me. He's normally very affectionate, but if I try to hug or kiss him he just sits there.

I understand he's not excited like I am & that where I see love & joy, all he sees are burdens, worries and an uncertain future. I don't expect him to instantly process this & I know it's probably a normal reaction. Has anyone else experienced this? Did your husband/boyfriend eventually cope (and hopefully maybe even become supportive)? 

I was super excited & now I'm bummed & a bit worried. Male perspectives are welcome also! Thanks!!


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## mac1979

He may just need some time to let it sink in. Like you said, he thought it would be a long time before you got your BFP. Give him a few days and maybe not mention it (really hard, I know) and then break him into it gradually, ask him if he thought about names or anything kind of vague like that. He may just need to wrap around his head around his world changing so fast.


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## sunflower82

My hubby did the same thing when I told 
Him I'm pregnant trust me give him time 
He will be fine and congrats keep us updated


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## GreyGirl

Give him time initially as I'm sure it can be a shock - especially if you've prepared yourself for the long haul. Congratulations on your :bfp: :hugs:


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## girlinyork

My OH did this. Even when the baby was planned. He even cried a bit with worry but at our early scan he was delighted. He can't wait for our 12 week scan now. He really came round and warmed up to it x


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## Aomame

Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate it. I'm just worried for him because he's an anxious person & I know he loves me, but he's never been keen on the idea of a baby. He told me once that he felt like his life would be over if we had a kid. I know he's really afraid of financial problems, just worries about the kid, responsibilities in general & he hates the screaming/crying. 

He only agreed to try to have a kid with me because I'd regret it forever if I never had a kid. But I don't think he ever thought it'd happen. He's a really nice guy, and he treats our cat like a baby even. I'm hoping once it's an actual person he can see & not just a concept that he'll start to feel happier. 

Anyway thanks again for the advice. I guess the only thing I can do right now is be supportive of him & let him go through what he needs to!


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## Bevziibubble

I think he just needs time to process the news and let it sink in. My husband was shocked at first even though we both wanted a baby, I think it's totally natural though. Congratulations :hugs:


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## Mummy2B21

Congrats x


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## Aomame

Thanks! I really hope so :)


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## hmommy219

First of all, CONGRATS!! Second, grab the book "Baby Proofing your Marriage." In there, it talks about how men worry about their responsibilities as a future father and how it can seem overwhelming. They also worry that a baby will replace them on the top of the 'totem pole' as far as your attention goes. If you read this book (and it's an easy read) you can really get a sense for what he's feeling, and rest assured, he'll come around. Imagine the moment when he holds his baby for the first time.. he will melt. But please check out the book... I think you'll find it very insightful. Good luck to you for a healthy and joyful 9 months. :hugs:


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## Aomame

Thanks! I will definitely check out the book. I feel like he probably will come around when he sees the baby, but I'm just a bit anxious because he's kind of anti-social. haha But I know he's more worried about all the stress/finances. I bet that book would help!!


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## hmommy219

Aomame said:


> Thanks! I will definitely check out the book. I feel like he probably will come around when he sees the baby, but I'm just a bit anxious because he's kind of anti-social. haha But I know he's more worried about all the stress/finances. I bet that book would help!!

Happy to help. Good luck to you on this momentous event in your life! :happydance:


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## lisap2008

My first husband was much like yours when he found out, I was already 3 months pregnant with our first and of course he had a good reason to worry because at that time we were both without jobs, he also was very young (only 19) and worried he was losing his youth and fun, and he knew nothing when it came to pregnancy and babys. 
he also hated bratty kids , but overtime he became more accepting of the idea of being a dad , then when she was born he did bond with her and she was a very good baby , rarely cried ( only when hungry).now she is 19 and still daddys girl. Just give him time I believe its normal for all the worry to hit when you first find out .on the plus side you have 8 long months to prepare for the baby. congrats.


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## angel2010

Congrats!!!


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## Xxenssial

Congrats


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## lilyV

hon, I'm sorry I don't have good news for you. My gf and her husband married because they loved one another. they had the talk about having children before marriage and he said he didn't want any but would do it for her. they got preggo and he was ok with it. he wasn't always there and didn't attend the birth. after all it's not his 'thing'. the kid is 2 and they're still having problems bc having the baby actually present screws up his ideal future. they're not having sex bc he thinks if they do, she'll get preggo again and he's done w that.

hope your situation is different. keep your eyes wide open and gl.


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## mindyb85

Years ago, one of my best friends got pregnant and her boyfriend/father was in so much shock, he even was suggesting the "a" word. She was on birth control and he basically shot "blanks" (not completely but the drs told him years before that his chances would be close to 0) After Mara was born, however, which I was lucky enough to witness, he became a father (in his mind) and instantly fell in love with her. I even asked him the day my friend was getting induced if he thought anything would change and he said, "No, not really, there will just be another person to take care of." 

A few years later, I was chatting with him and he was reminiscing on when my friend was pregnant. He actually started tearing up because he said he could not believe he ever thought those awful things about his daughter. He said when he comes home and his little girl says, "DADDY, YOU'RE HOME!! I LOVE YOU!" There is nothing better in the world and she is his world. It was very touching coming from the guy that was so indifferent to having a baby that he said having a child would not affect his life whatsoever except for the fact that he'll have to take care of another person.

I'm sure your hubby will come around. There is that saying that a mother becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant and a father becomes a father when his baby is born. This is not always the case but I think there is some truth to it since it seems to take men a bit longer than women (usually) to recognize the pregnancy as a baby, their baby, and that they are a father.


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## Aomame

Thanks, everyone for the advice. My husband has been hardly speaking to me for the past four days. I asked him this morning how he wanted to tell his family because I already old mine. He said he didn't want to tell anyone because he didn't want to talk about it. And then he went on to say that he wasn't even sure he wanted to be in our relationship anymore. I'm only 4 weeks pregnant, so our life at the moment is still the same, but he acts as if the baby is already a problem between us. 

Also our relationship was really good prior to this and he knew I was trying to get pregnant & he had agreed to let me try. I don't understand why he would say something so hurtful. He said it was because this isn't the kind of life he envisioned for the future. We're still together because he's not sure how he really feels & I really hope this is just an emotional outburst (he's very emotional). But I'm just surprised because I thought he'd be shocked, scared & maybe depressed, but I wasn't expecting that kind of attitude. :/


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## grace10209

I'm so sorry your man said this to you! Is he in therapy? Maybe couples therapy for both of you would help ? I'm so sorry you are going through this....


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## lilyV

I'm so sorry, hon. You definitely don't need the man that you married treating you like that!!!! Tell him so. He needs to reword what he's trying to say bc what he's currently doing is hurting you. Maybe ask him to look back with you on your wedding day and what both of your expectations were. And how much you loved one another. And then teeter into the discussion you had about wanting to get preggo and how he agreed.... he's gotta step it up and be there for you. you're body's going to be changing and your hormones are going to be different from where they are today. remind him that you need him and he has to be there for you, no matter want. and to stop making it seem like it's all about him!

GL *hugs*


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## MetalMaiden

hi hun. firstly congrats on your bfp! :hugs: I can understand what your going thru and thats really hurts what he said :( sounds like he is in a little shock and denial that it "actually" happened... some sort of weird reality sets in once you see those lines. Did your OH have anything in his childhood he might be relating to this somehow or scared he cant provide or anything like that (which may not necessarily be true but in his mind he is worried about)? i think men deal with things differently than women and i think they scare easier than we may think and/or they let on. i think he will come around. ours was planned but sometimes my DF will tell you i gave him an ultimatum but he wanted to stay with me (which i never once gave him an ultimatum, however much like u i have always known I wanted kids (which was never a secret either) so it was a frank convo one night about life hopes and paths) and there have been a couple tender, probably whisky-filled moments where he has told me (and proved to me thru "emotions") that inside somewhere he did want to be a dad. i didn't push baby/stuff on him right away, but as days went by and i felt the sitch was right id say little things like "what do u think the gender will be?" lol like subliminal questions and prompts i guess making him think about it. mine now plays around with my bump here and there and rubs my belly but even right now he just said he is a bit scared (and in my eyes he's one of those "tough guys") so that might just be how your man deals with that. i say its normal for everyone to go thru some sort of bold realizations during this time. he is a grown man who has communicated to u and was fully aware of what the definition of "trying" was. same as mine, i dont think he would have said it if somewhere he didn't wonder at least what being a daddy was like. make him some of his fave things this week, baby him a little and keep baby stuff to a minimum. talk to your fam abt it if ur bursting! we waited until 13 weeks to tell ours and that was so hard to keep to myself!! good luck :flower:


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## littlejenx

maybe try and get him to open up and talk to you or a close friend. try and work out whats worrying him, possibly finanical security?? the responsibility if he has no previous experience with babies?, or maybe he didn't have a great childhood himself and thats on his mind?? just sounds like he is bottling his worries up when he needs to talk. many congrats on your pregnancy though x x


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## Aomame

I'm trying to give him time to get over it. I feel like he's just acting out & doesn't mean it. We've been married for 6 years and have been together for about 8 years. He's really immature when it comes to any changes. To be fair, he really didn't want kids and I had to convince him to try. We've only been trying for 5 months. I kind of think it's shock & he isn't handling it well.

He's also had issues with anxiety/depression in the past & I think if I gave him an ultimatum at the moment, he'd probably freak out & we'd just break up. By "freak out" I mean say a lot of hurtful things and just be generally angry. I think he just needs time to see I'm still the same person & still there for him and that having a baby isn't the end of his world.

He doesn't have many friends & he doesn't go out very often, he doesn't drink or watch sports or anything. He just works & plays video games & watches TV. So I think the idea of a baby is so drastic of a change (because now he can't just hide out in his "cave" isolated from the rest of the world). But in reality, he is normally a very loving, caring & helpful person. for instance, he usually cooks us both supper & he helps me with the laundry. When I'm sick, he takes care of me & makes me a bath & everything. He really is very sweet, but I think he's severely depressed because he has a hard time dealing with stress and he sees a kid as nothing but stress. He thinks he'll never be able to relax again or be happy.

And before we tried having a kid, I did tell him that if he couldn't hack it, then I wouldn't blame him for leaving because it was really ME who wanted a kid and not me. But I expected him to only consider that AFTER the kid was born...I can't imagine the reason why he'd want to leave when I'm barely pregnant. :/

Anyway I'm just going to wait & see what happens. If I have to have this baby myself I will. I'm 30 and he's 33. And his family is completely aware of how he is (anti-social, somewhat immature, anxious/stressed/occasionally depressed). So even if I tell them I'm pregnant & he's not there to share the news, they won't really care because they're used to it. They all are loving & supportive to me, so I'm sure they'll be happy. They are all a bit disappointed in how he acts in those kinds of situations, but he's seen a counselor and he has improved slightly over the years (believe it or not he was way worse when I met him). 

Anyway I guess I'll find out which he loves more, me or his stress-free isolated life.


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## mac1979

The way he isolates himself from the world sounds like severe depression to me. I hope he talks to his counselor about the baby. It may help if you are able to go to a session or two with him and have his counselor facilitate a conversation between the two of you about the pregnancy and how he feels.


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## Aomame

Well actually before the pregnancy, he hadn't been that bad & he'd been getting better. He's been actively participating in my niece's & nephew's lives (going to their birthday party, interacting/talking with them/etc) and the same with my best friend's 2 y/o. We do go out for walks & go shopping together & go to the movies too. But we are both homebodies. I only have a few friends too. I don't think it's a problem....we're just not very social, but him more so.

He would benefit from seeing a counselor and he has seen one in the past, but he's also had 2 bad experiences when trying to seek help for depression. He was told he had to see a Dr first to get a referral to the counselor. The Dr told him to suck it up & that he didn't really have a problem. I can't remember what the second one was. 

Anyway he was doing really well & now that I'm pregnant he's reverted a bit into depression mode, but I'm really hoping with my support he'll feel happier & be able to overcome it.


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## hmommy219

Aomama, I would lay off the baby talk for now. He's already expressed his anxiety, so you asking when would be a good time to tell his family is only adding to his stress. I am totally on your side here, but call a girlfriend, a sister, your mom, US :) to talk baby stuff.... let him see that you're the same person you've always been, and lay low for now. Also, most people do not share their announcement until they're safetely out of the woods and into the second trimester (usually 10-12 weeks is what I hear most on these boards). So no need to push him into trucking over to his folks place to reveal that you are days pregnant when he's feeling so down. Let him believe things are normal, and after a couple of weeks, ask him if he would mind if you started sharing the news.... Just my advice of course, and I'm sending you big hugs.... :hugs: I hope you're able to enjoy this special time despite hubby's negativity... it will pass. :flower:


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## Aomame

I know you're normally supposed to wait, but I'm very good friends with his mom & I was dying to tell her. Also I hadn't mentioned anything to do with the baby at all except that one question. I have been acting like my usual self.

He's been getting a bit better. He doesn't seem quite as depressed & he's been more affectionate to me & finally even talking to me a bit. He even has been picking up anything heavy that I can't pick up, which is really nice. I'm feeling a bit better because it seems like slowly he's getting over it. I'll keep my fingers crossed!


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## MetalMaiden

That's a very promising start for him!! Yay! U must feel relieved :)


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## hasti2011

congratulationssssssssssss. enjoy it as much as you can.
I had almost the same issue. we got married for 8 years but dh family tried to force him divorce from me while we loved each other and had no problem at all,but he couldn't stand under their pressure so he said he won't kids and we canceled our iui on the iui day. at that month we got preggo with twins. however he wasn't happy we that. he didn't know what to say to his family till 4 weeks ago that they came to our home and we told them. they got happy because they knew we will live together for ever. after that we announced our pregnancy, with all congratulations my dh got excited for his kids on the way. at first i was sad he couldn't enjoy it but now he does. so don't worry it will change, maybe takes a little more time but he couldn't stop loving his kid :)


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## lilyV

*Aomame*, that's great news!

*hasti*, I'm happy things are going well for you.


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## Aomame

Yeah I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Everyday he seems slightly more communicative & affectionate, but it's still a far cry from what we had. I really hope he'll be happy once he meets him/her. Thanks for all the support/advice! :)


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