# 16 year old caught thieving.



## Tryinfor4th

Hi Everyone
I never thought this would happen to us, but it has
Yesterday we were woken early by a police officer informing us that our daughter who is 16 has been taking money out of the till at her part time job over a period of 6 months amounting to $2200. :cry:

We confronted her, she admitted it, the money's gone, spent on junk,
She had no need to do this, no drink/ drug issues, everything's fine at home.
My DH and I are still in shock and trying to make sense of it all
The store owner has agreed not to press charges as long as we pay back the money.

My question is do you still buy her Xmas presents with a $2200 unexpected bill that we the parents have to try to find? :growlmad:

Yes we are making her do chores and work it off helping us at home out but that doesn't produce cash

We have two other children 14 and 4 how do we sit and watch them open presents and leave our daughter out?
But at the same time what are the consequences??

What would you do???


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## hattiehippo

I said no but I'd actually get her a very small token present so she had something to open still but no more as at 16 she's old enough to be helping you pay back her debt.

What a horrible situation for you all :hugs:


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## Natasha2605

Yeah I'd still buy her presents ( If you can afford to), although no 'main' presents.

I know she's done wrong, but it's still christmas and I just couldn't leave her out. 

Can she sell things to pay some back? She must have something to show for $2200.


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## housewifey

oh my, does she anything worth of value to show for like did she buy an ipod or a phone with the money? Make her sell it to pay back some of the money.

With regards to the Christmas presents, yes I would still buy some things, you don't want the whole of Christmas day ruined because you are upset that your daughter doesn't get to open presents when the other kids do and she will probably sulk all day thus ruining Christmas for everyone. I wouldn't get anything big or expensive but just things like pyjamas, underwear, socks, books, clothes, cheap jewellery etc. Not getting any main presents might make her see the consequences of what she did.


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## Tryinfor4th

Thank you everyone, she didn't buy anything salvageable with the money, I didn't see anything new come into the house, she said she spent it on eating out lunchtimes treating her friends, cabs when I couldn't drive her to friends houses,
She does have an I pos but it has a huge crack on the screen ,

Her cell phone is on contract and for those of you in the Uk that means you pay off the phone $4 per month, it's not given free , it was a $400 phone she's had since January so very little is payed off and selling it wouldn't produce enough to off the phone let alone the debt,
That's the other kicker, because she lost her job we are also stuck paying her phone contract $50 a month,
She's agreed to sell het betty boop collection that will help a little ,
I'm just so sad, I don't even want to put the tree up this year but I know that's not fare on my other children, why oh why would she do this , I just can't understand.


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## HBGirl

I would get her a token gift or two. But, she would be dropped off at a soup kitchen or the like for the day and spend her Christmas helping others. Then she would get another job and every penny would go towards paying the bill back.


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## Creative

She is 16 and she made a huge mistake. I bet she feels just as rotten as you do, but I would only buy her a small taken gift or two. 

I would make sure that she is really part of paying back the debt. Her working towards itm baby sitting etc, and being very aware of how much is owed and paid off written in a book or board somewhere so that she can't just move on.
Each time some of the money is paid off, she should write it down so that the full responsibility weighs on her. School trips etc should be forfeited unless essential for curriculum, nights out should be few and far between until the debt is paid.

Hopefully once it is all sorted you will be left with a very sensible daughter!


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## aimee-lou

Very good advice given above. I would definitely be trying to work out a way to get her to help pay the debt off, or at least pay her own phone contract....taking on odd jobs, dog walking, baby sitting, cleaning neighbours houses. She needs to take responsibility, but also she should feel full weight when it's lifted too. This is a valuable (if not a little expensive) lesson to learn at 16, and as such he Christmas should be a token one, with a couple of small gifts and the day off. She's old enough to know just how much she messed up and she'll be mortified by it.


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## SerenityNow

I think you should carry on with Christmas the same way that you would if this hadn't happened, or if you had found out about it in August or not until March. Christmas gifts are given to show our love. You still love her. Show her that.

She made a terrible mistake. You are in good company as the parent of a teenager who has made an awful decision. The fact that she was taking small amounts over a long time and doing little things like taking cabs or going out to lunch really indicates to me that she wasn't plotting to take advantage of her employer-- she did some horrific problem solving, i.e. I'm hungry and don't have any money for lunch, or I need to get home and don't have money for a cab. What she did was selfish, impulsive and stupid-- all developmentally normal for a 16 year old! I have a teenage daughter and many times my 9 year old is more mature and conscious of her actions than my teenager. 

This is all very new for you. You just found out about it yesterday. Give yourself some time to wrap your head around it, be furious and be hurt and worried and everything else before you decide what the next step is. But ultimately 16 is still a child, she is responsible for her actions but she needs to be parented through this with love so she learns to make good decisions when she is an adult. Paying the money back, earning back your trust and dealing with this black mark on her employment record are the natural consequences. The only purpose for leaving her out of Christmas or only given token gifts would be to make her suffer, but she would be suffering because she feels like she isn't loved. That's not going to teach her to be trustworthy and responsible.


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## seoj

I actually just experienced our first real disappointment with our 16yr old recently too- not stealing or anything like that, but a bad judgement call and police did get involved (not specifically because of her- but another girl) - but because it happened at her work she was called in to see if she knew anything and we also got called in-- and it still get's under my skin she got herself in that situation. I'm glad she's OK and she came clean (although she kept it from us for months prior)-- but in the end, we had a very long talk with her- and grounded her for 3wks, and she has to earn our trust back in steps. She agreed and didn't fight anything we asked of her because she knew she messed up big time. Overall she is such a great kid though- and prob why this was so shocking to us. Although I can put myself in her shoes and understand WHY she did what she did- but she still should have known better. 

Long story short- if I were in your shoes, I'd for sure forgo any big Xmas gifts. And my kid would have to work HARD to pay us back- with chores or whatever else we could think of. As well as yes, watch her siblings open bigger gifts. Maybe still stocking stuffers and a few small things- as I can imagine how tough that would be-- but I think it also depends on how sorry your kid is. Does she truly "get" why what she did was so wrong- what prompted it in the first place- do you feel she's learned a valuable lesson or is she blind to why it's not Ok? Depending on all that- I would think the punishment should fit the crime. so to speak. With our daughter she has to earn back our trust for sure. She knows this. She also knows we love her (no matter what)- but that trust is something you can't mess with. Even if she messes up in the future, I would hope she'd still come to us. Because what hurt me most- was not what she did- but the fact she kept it from us when we have a very open and honest line of communication. She has never lied to us like this before- so that was tough to move past. But we have- and she's building that trust back up and doing everything right (now). 

Best of luck!


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## cookette

Absolutely not. Christmas isnt about the gifts! Obviously you still celebrate it together, but I cannot wrap my mind around still buying her a gift. Include her in everything, but why on earth give her a GIFT when its truly YOUR GIFT TO HER by helping her pay this off!? NO way!


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## Marie000

not an expert on teenagers, but maybe you could explain to her in advance that you will not be getting her a big gift and will count that money towards her debt? Or at least reduce the Christmas budget for her by a certian amount and count that towards the money she owes. 
She might be mad now, but at least it wont come as a surprise on Christmas day. I agree with giving her small gifts so she can have some fun, but no big gifts. 
She is old enough to know where gifts come from. It's not like depriving a small child of gifts from Santa Claus.


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## Foogirl

I would absolutely not be buying a Christmas present and this would also be the case if she'd been discovered in March or August.

That is a huge amount of money for her to steal and I'd say she is lucky enough to be spending Christmas with her family and not in a detention centre. The phone would be taken off her, whether I was paying for it or not. Check with the provider you might be able to cancel and return it to them.

As a sixteen year old she has a huge lesson to learn and to me "not fair" doesn't come in to it. She stole money, that is a huge deal and the consequences should be severe enough for her to think about not doing it again. If it were my daughter she would be sent out to get another job and would work at that, and for me, paying off the debt.


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## Eternal

Given the HUGE amount she had stolen no, perhaps a stacking with a few token bits more so the others kids don't get upset, but really nothing expensive. I'd be tempted to do nothing, she really doesn't deserve it and it's not about love, her Christmas Gift is that you have agreed to pay it and not send her to jail. 

When the flip was she eating to get though that amount of money? And clearly this wasn't a one off thing, which makes it all the more serious. If personally take her phone too. I would seriously question where all that money went though, even with taxis and meals out! That's a huge some of money to get through without buying anything physically. 

Don't feel guilty yourself though, it could happen to any of us. Hugs, this must be really hard on the family, I hope she realises know lucky she is for you to not have left her to have changes and what that would have meant for her future.


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## aliss

Mistake? $2200 out of a till over time is not a mistake, it is a repetitive action, an intentional one at that. Thank goodness she was busted for this, she could have gone to prison had she kept that up long enough.

I agree with those who say no gift, not even a token.

Not trying to harp on it, but working in policing 10 years, that is not a common teenage mistake incident. That's actually quite high on the scale for a 16 year old and I would genuinely be concerned about hammering down the consequences NOW before she gets a lifetime attitude about embezzlement. Just IMO. Sorry your family is going through this.


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## lindseymw

I'm going to agree with the above few posters here.

There is no way I would be buying Xmas presents for a 16 year who stole over $2k. The amount and length of time means it was a calculated decision which she made over & over again. 

She is very lucky she has not been prosecuted considering the amount.

I would be explaining fully to her why she would not be getting a god damn thing!


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## LaughOutLoud

I agree with above posts, no gifts and no tokens. She is old enough to know that are actions were wrong. In my book, its pretty serious and so the consequences would be pretty serious. It wouldn't matter if it was a bday or xmas. The money has to be paid back and Id be making her start paying it back asap, in every way possible. Sorry, may be im just more harsh than others but I just don't condone this type of behaviour and my DD would need to understand that.


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## SerenityNow

Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you. 

IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss. 

Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions. 

I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.


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## Septie

I would give her a few token gifts, but not a big gift. And talk to her about it beforehand. But IMO that's the wrong question to agonize over. The main question is how to prevent something like this from happening again...
Is she remorseful at all? I would be incredibly worried, and try to get professional help. It is such a huge amount, and over such a long period of time. She is almost an adult, after all. And I would not trust her for quite a while, I am afraid. I would check if she steals at home, I would not trust for her to go babysitting/cleaning elsewhere, nor give her access to another job where she can "help" herself to anything whatsoever - unless she is truly remorseful, what's there to stop her from doing it again? The punishment right now, even with no presents, is rather minor and does not fit the crime.


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## Foogirl

SerenityNow said:


> Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you.
> 
> IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss.
> 
> Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions.
> 
> I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.

I might not have a teenage girl, but I remember being one and for sure, I would not have expected to receive any gifts if I had done the same. There are ways to remind that child that you still love her without giving a gift at Christmas. I do agree that counselling might be a good idea for the girl as I do wonder what led her to do it.


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## LaughOutLoud

Foogirl said:


> SerenityNow said:
> 
> 
> Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you.
> 
> IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss.
> 
> Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions.
> 
> I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.
> 
> I might not have a teenage girl, but I remember being one and for sure, I would not have expected to receive any gifts if I had done the same. There are ways to remind that child that you still love her without giving a gift at Christmas. I do agree that counselling might be a good idea for the girl as I do wonder what led her to do it.Click to expand...

Ditto


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## Beckettshades

I also agree with that- my parents wrote me off as a teen. You do not want her to feel like that x


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## lindseymw

Foogirl said:


> SerenityNow said:
> 
> 
> Honestly, you should get advice from a professional counselor. Understanding how teens think and act and how to respond to them is seriously complex. People whose kids are 3, 4, 5 years old simply have no idea what it is going to be like to parent a teenager. It is a delicate age, all the more so because you only have a few years left to parent them. It's terrifyingly high stakes. I really feel for you.
> 
> IMO none of the money should be repaid by you as a "gift" to her. Therefore how you treat her at Christmas is unrelated. I'd remind her that she has the option to return or sell her gifts. Personally, I think all the money should be repaid by her in cash, not chores, but you know the situation best and it may not be possible for her to earn cash. I understand that it is probably necessary for you to pay her boss back right away so technically she is paying you back, but I would really try to work out a way for as much of the money as possible to go directly from her to her boss.
> 
> Leaving her out at Christmas sends the message "You have messed up so badly we are no longer treating you the way we treat the rest of our children." Is that a productive message to send her? I think you run the risk of her giving up on herself and making "being a bad person" part of her self-image. I've been a mentor for homeless teens, you do not want her to give up on herself. You want her to understand that she is better than how she acted and empower her amend for her mistakes. And yes, it was a mistake-- a serious mistake with life altering consequences, just like using drugs, having unprotected sex, getting into a car with a drunk driver and a dozen other serious mistakes teenagers make everyday because they lack the neurological maturity to understand the gravity of their decisions.
> 
> I really urge you to get some outside support from someone with professional expertise working with teens. This is such a difficult situation, you owe it to yourselves to get some help with how to deal with it.
> 
> I might not have a teenage girl, but I remember being one and for sure, I would not have expected to receive any gifts if I had done the same. There are ways to remind that child that you still love her without giving a gift at Christmas. I do agree that counselling might be a good idea for the girl as I do wonder what led her to do it.Click to expand...

I agree with Foogirl. Of course I don't have a teenager myself at the moment, but I was one myself. My parents would have hit the roof and certainly wouldn't be buying me Xmas/Birthday presents.

At 16 years old, they *should* be mature enough to understand the principle of wrong and right and realise there is consquences of doing wrong. We are not talking about pocketing $10 or nicking some chocolate bars (the latter I did do once at 10 years old, my parents found out and made me return to the shop and hand it over, I haven't nicked anything since!). We are talking $2200 over 6 months, that's a heck of a lot of money!

I also agree about looking at Counselling or something to help understand why.


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## Eternal

I agree to the Counselling but I still don't think i would be buying her anything for Christmas, love isn't bought, giving her things or not doesn't not indicate love, love isn't something that can be bought. Yes she will be treated different but then they other children didn't screw up like that, I personally wouldn't call it a mistake, it was over a period of those and a hell of a lot of money, it wasn't a one time not thought out action. 

As for teenagers and the other mistakes mentioned such as drunk driving,mine night stands etc, they all have consequences, some are avoided, but what happens to that child that kills a young family in their car? Do we say, it's ok, it was just a mistake, forget about it? No there are consequences, jail time, guilt, etc, this is the same although hugely less server, she also has consequences though, and if they are not realised she could do it again. 

That doesn't mean we don't live a children, we hate what they did but we love them and we support and guide them, we can condemn the action and not the person and I'm sure there are parents who do give up on their kids, but this is clearly not one of those cases, she is clearly loved and cared for, she is clearly very loved, I don't think that would be a problem.


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## Foogirl

Beckettshades said:


> I also agree with that- my parents wrote me off as a teen. You do not want her to feel like that x

Not buying a gift at Christmas isn't exactly writing a teenager off.....


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## Tryinfor4th

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful insite, a lot of valid points,
As you can imagine its been a difficult week, I still wake up in the mornings thinking did this really happen,
Counciling is the way forward, although expensive, average $250 per hr no free counciling in Canada, as a sahm with one income we can't really afford it,
Her name is down for subsidized counciling but it can take up to 6 months, she's on the list so that's a start,
I am scared of the repercussions of handling this in the wrong way,

I agree that this wasn't a "mistake" it happened time and time again, I also agree that not giving her any gifts this Christmas does not mean I'm "writing her off" but its how she will see it thats key, i believe she will see it as being written off and possibly an excuse to spiral, thats teenage thinking.

I must get this right, to help my daughter and make this the first and last time she does something like this, I can't let this be the crossroads in her life that ends badly because I handled it wrong, not having Immanent professional help makes this more difficult,

She has abandonment issues with her biological father and does struggle with this, I don't want her to feel I've written her off too but at the same time she has no know the seriousness of what she's done, it's such a fine balance.
Her employer and I have agreed that its important SHE pays back the money not the parents, he's prepared to wait for the cash , and in the meantime she's volunteering at the soup kitchen and helping out at her ex employers church, she just got another job, thankfully in a call centre with NO cash handling,

As for her phone,I need to keep in touch with her when she's at school, she has a habit of being late home and does take advantage when I've confiscated her phone in the past, so she only has it during school, as soon as she gets home I take it until 8 the following morning and she doesn't get it at weekends, I make it clear the phone is for my benefit not hers, again I have to do what makes me comfortable too, I'd be too stressed loosing that connection, (yes unbelievably I'm a bit of a helicopter mum, yet didn't see this coming). :blush:

What was she buying with the cash, this has come up on here, across the road from her school are fast food outlets, I believe she was paying for friends lunches too, take out is more expensive over here , example $8 for a Big Mac meal, large pizza/ drinks around $26 so I can see where it's gone especially if she's treating others, she spent $80 in mcdonalds to celebrate her first paycheck on her friends lunches, i wasn't happy about it, 
Also she'd recently started a new school and met a new group of new friends who's parents are quite well off, entitled and materialistic in every way, no sense of friendship they were always asking for her to chip in $20 here and there for activities, I think she wanted to be excepted into the "plastics" and sold her soul for it.

She's since realized there not good friends at all and distanced herself
I can't believe I'm talking about my first born in this way, nothing's ever gone missing from our home, we leave cash around all the time, although I did tell her the trust was gone and I'll be more vigilent,

Thank you all again, there's no book to reference when we become parents, not a realistic one anyway, your opinions are much needed and its great we as a family can remain anon but still get the benefit of your insite, this is a situation for the first time as a mum no decision feels 100% right, so I'm trying to do what I can live with.

Christmas this year is ruined, I cannot bring myself to buy her expensive gifts, it will just make me more angry, instead I'm going to wrap some of her favourite things, cadburys chocolate from home, creams bath stuff, buy her things she "needs" not "wants" that way I'll feel better Xmas morning, and she's been included, for me as much for her.


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## Beckettshades

Foogirl said:


> Beckettshades said:
> 
> 
> I also agree with that- my parents wrote me off as a teen. You do not want her to feel like that x
> 
> Not buying a gift at Christmas isn't exactly writing a teenager off.....Click to expand...

I didn't mean to imply it did- and sorry if it read that way. What I meant was that 16 year olds aren't the most rational creatures on give planet- and that feeling excluded, may (not will- may) be the first step to her daughter pulling further away. Saying that op has come to a conclusion and I think it's a pretty good one x


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## Foogirl

Tryinfor4th said:


> Thank you everyone for your thoughtful insite, a lot of valid points,
> As you can imagine its been a difficult week, I still wake up in the mornings thinking did this really happen,
> Counciling is the way forward, although expensive, average $250 per hr no free counciling in Canada, as a sahm with one income we can't really afford it,
> Her name is down for subsidized counciling but it can take up to 6 months, she's on the list so that's a start,
> I am scared of the repercussions of handling this in the wrong way,
> 
> I agree that this wasn't a "mistake" it happened time and time again, I also agree that not giving her any gifts this Christmas does not mean I'm "writing her off" but its how she will see it thats key, i believe she will see it as being written off and possibly an excuse to spiral, thats teenage thinking.

She will see it as you explain it to her. It sounds like you've got to the bottom of a lot of it, perhaps counselling isn't all that important after all. I can see a situation as you describe it, trying to impress friends rather than spending it on herself. The thing is, although it is a huge amount of money, over a period of 6 months its possible she had no idea how it had mounted up. $10 0r $20 every shift or two over 6 months might not have seemed like a big deal. And having got away with it once, it could become a habit almost. I'm sure she was quite shocked at the total amount.

If you want to make sure your daughter understands what you are doing, the best way is just to keep talking with her. Not AT her or TO her but with her. Ask her what she thinks her punishment should be, ask her how she thinks she can make amends. Tell her you are shocked that she has done what she has done but that you want to support her in her efforts to make amends to those she has wronged. Its all about communication, which is really all counselling is.

I would also say, I really don't think that how you deal with this could result in her "going off the rails" If she is going to do that, there are bigger issues at play rather than this one off. In my experience children tend to go off the rails despite their parents efforts, not because of them. At 16 she is able to make her own decisions and if she is making the wrong ones it's unlikely to be anything you've done that led her there.


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## Eternal

Tryingfora4th - HUGS :hugs: you doing amazing as a mum and don't feel that has anything to do with you, we all make wrong choices and they and our choices not because of x y z etc 

Glad she has a new job and that her ex employer sounds understanding, you are doing a great job, she screwed up, there are huge consequences, but to won't last forever! 

:hugs:


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## JASMAK

Don't pay it?!! Let me tell you something. I used to work with criminals, now I work with people who do minor crimes....we have parents pay their 40 year old children's fines! Ridiculous! They are usually repeat offenders! Make her earn, sell her stuff and give back every single cent herself. 

Presents, yes. Christmas is about giving to those we love. You are angry, for sure. But you have to forgive. Holding anger wont be productive for her, or you.


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## Larkspur

JASMAK said:


> Don't pay it?!! Let me tell you something. I used to work with criminals, now I work with people who do minor crimes....we have parents pay their 40 year old children's fines! Ridiculous! They are usually repeat offenders! Make her earn, sell her stuff and give back every single cent herself.
> 
> Presents, yes. Christmas is about giving to those we love. You are angry, for sure. But you have to forgive. Holding anger wont be productive for her, or you.

Fully agree with this. A PP said, "She will understand it the way you explain it"... if only that were true! From my own memory of being a teenager, parents can explain something till they're blue in the face and kids still have to learn it through experience.

I believe in the consequences being appropriate to the action. In this case, that would be the parents not propping her up by paying off part of the debt as a 'gift' (and doubling it up as a punishment by making Christmas miserable for her), but making her pay back all of what she stole. It would also be about talking her to to the point where she can understand and explain why she did what she did (which, OP, you seem to have done very well) and fixing the source of that problem (moving away from a bad crowd). 

I don't think turning an unrelated occasion a month down the track into a reminder (and humiliation in front of the family) that her parents are angry at her would be a helpful lesson. She will be reminded - appropriately - that her actions have consequences every time she works an hour for free, for months to come.


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## Andypanda6570

I am sorry, I don't mean to sound rude but WTF :wacko: Are u kidding me? Buying something after what she did? We all make mistakes , but as parents we must teach them that they need to be held accountable for their actions. Not only would my kid be paying it back, she would be lucky to see the light of day.. Sorry, I am just confused on how worrying about presents is even a concern/ Sorry like I said I don't mean to sound harsh :hugs::hugs:


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## Foogirl

That was pretty much my first reaction too!


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## xprincessx

If I had stolen even £5 at that age I would have been disowned. My family are extremely against stealing, in our house it's the worst thing you can do! No way on this earth would I have received any christmas presents for stealing any amount of money let alone that amount! I also wouldn't have received any help in getting a new job or paying back the money I stole.

In saying that I don't know how I'd handle the situation if it happened to me when my son is 16 but I do know 100% I would not be buying him christmas presents that year, he would need to learn that his actions have consequences and it's non negotiable. 

This is not the same as a 12 year old taking a few quid from mum's purse every few days to get sweets, that's a serious amount of money and she is extremely lucky she didn't get sent to jail and personally, I would make sure she knows how lucky she is!


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## MrsLMC

Personally I would talk to her and ask her whether she thinks she should be getting a present. Be honest say you're not sure what to do and you would never want her to think you don't love her. 

If she says yes get her a few token presents, if she says no ... I'd still get some token presents but leave it as a surprise. 

As a teenager I think I would have said don't get me a present. I would have been miserable on the day but I wouldn't have even considered stealing a chip after that.


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## lhancock90

MrsLMC said:


> Personally I would talk to her and ask her whether she thinks she should be getting a present. Be honest say you're not sure what to do and you would never want her to think you don't love her.
> 
> If she says yes get her a few token presents, if she says no ... I'd still get some token presents but leave it as a surprise.
> 
> As a teenager I think I would have said don't get me a present. I would have been miserable on the day but I wouldn't have even considered stealing a chip after that.

This is an interesting idea.
Lay it all out to her, that you love and adore her but that she's done something very very wrong and she needs to face some consequences. 

Xx


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## susannah14

Presents do not = love.

I can't say it better than Aliss did so I won't even try. But you can let her know you still love her without giving her presents. IMO, giving her presents after she has stolen (not a mistake, not an accident) a huge amount of money sends the message that there are no consequences to her actions.

I think if I were to give her a token present, though, it'd be coal. 

(Half joking there)...


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## tasha41

I think it's a hard lesson to learn for her but I would keep the money that I would have spent on her gifts (if they aren't purchased yet or able to be returned) and use that towards repayment. That's a signficant amount of money that you have to come up with.

I would be making her brainstorm ways to come up with the money. Can she sell anything she doesn't use, do babysitting jobs, shovel snow for money (it's coming down here, not sure where you are lol!).. 

I generally believe that most parents need to be a bit tougher on their teens than they are- but that's because I have a 21 year old sister who is wandering aimlessly through life, doesn't work a legitimate job or go to school, is very difficult to get along with, steals from family and friends, has no respect for others (ie has turned up at my house at 4am drunk, more than once, even just last week). It's easy for things to snowball and get out of control.

ETA I work part time and it takes me about 3 months to earn $2200 (my schedule/number of hours would be 'manageable' for a student or just a bit more than a high school student could handle)


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## suzib76

christmas is unconditional in our house, always has been. there is never any 'santa wont come if you are naughty' nonsense, because YES he will come, to toddler and teenage alike

i could never exclude any of my kids from something quite so family orientated

she made a huge mistake, and as such should be punished, but i wouldnt have it affect her, my or the rest of the family's christmas, it would be hanging over the day like a dark cloud


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