# My loss story.



## mommy4102012

Hi everybody. I didn't know if I would even want to be apart of a support forum, but I think it will help my grieving. There are just some things you can't do alone, right? Anyway- here is my story.

I got married on October 10, 2010 to my amazing husband, Ryan. We immediately wanted to start trying to have a family. About 4 weeks after our honeymoon, I took a pregnancy test that came out positive. A very faint positive line, but still positive. Not even two days later, I started cramping horribly, and bleeding heavily. It was the biggest heartbreak at the time. We kept trying and trying for a year or more, when finally I decided to see a fertility doctor to make sure everything was functioning right. We checked out just fine, but the doctor wanted to put us on a hormone medicine called Chlomid. After 3 months of being on Chlomid, I found out I was pregnant again! :) It was so exciting! We went in every two weeks to check on things, and time went by and before we knew it, we were at week 15 and the doctor wanted to try and look for the sex. We were having a little girl! We named her Laila Marie :) We went and bought her outfits, bows, shoes, all within 5 days! It's safe to say, we were a little excited! :winkwink: Then all of a sudden on Easter afternoon, I started feeling very feverish.. and my back began to ache.. and severe cramping started. It became hard to urinate. I thought maybe I was stretching again and maybe I had a UTI. I have been cursed with UTI's since I was 10 years old. So that next morning at 8 a.m., I called my doctors office and they asked me to come in and said they would take a urine sample and give me some antibiotics. When I got into the room, the doctor told me he wanted to do a routine ultrasound to make sure baby was still okay and that my infection wasn't something more serious. But when he went to listen to her heartbeat.. there wasn't one. And when we watched her on the screen, our once super spunky wild child, was surprisingly still.. She was gone. I went in that night and started labor. The next morning Laila was born. It was 5:10 a.m. She was 2 ounces and 6 inches long. Beautiful. But still, and so so tiny. It's been 18 weeks now since my baby went to be with Jesus. And it seems to hurt even more now than it did then.. I get so angry. I can't be around pregnant woman right now. I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I died the day my baby did. I just wish nobody had to feel the way us woman and men do when we lose our children.


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## Beaglemama

Dear Mommy... I'm so, so sorry. My little girl was born still at 20 weeks, last Tuesday at 5:30am. It is now midnight Monday and I absolutely cannot sleep. 

The doctors detected that my little girl had a problem early on, at about 16 weeks. Every week since, we've had to go into the dr's for a heartbeat check. Last week, there was none. I know exactly how you feel - staring at that ultrasound picture, in complete disbelief that your once active and fidgety child is now completely still. They focused in on her little heart and turned the sound on - just silence. I felt absolutely broken inside.

I too had to deliver our daughter. What a cruel experience. This is our first so I didn't even know what labor would be like, and this was my experience. Delivering our daughter who had already passed. I hope you cherished those few moments you spent with your little girl after her birth. I don't know if you're like me, but I have so many regrets after her birth. I saw her, held her, touched her impossibly tiny hands, and all I could say was "I'm sorry." :( I didn't even think to ask for the blanket she was wrapped in. I called the hospitaltoday but they didn't keep it. All I have are her tiny footprints, which I am planning on having copied and etched into a gold pendant to wear close to my heart. At least I'll have something of my baby girl's.

In the meantime, as hard as it may seem, try to focus on the future. The present is just too painful. Instead of drowning in the deep saddness or your loss, try to think about the hope of your future. :) I know, in my heart, someday I'll hold my little girl and see her grow and be happy and healthy.(Revelation 21:3, 4) But, until then, I want to have other children. I'll tell them about their big Sister Madison, and how she changed my world forever. She's taught me empathy and showed me how deeply you can love someone. And I'm so grateful for that.

I wish you the absolute best. Please know that you're not alone. I'm here, along with countless others, wanting to reach out and help. Between family, friends, prayer and support groups like this, we will somehow pull through. :) Please, please write anytime. And try to keep your hopes up for brigther days ahead. I know they will come for us all. :) Take good care of yourself and keep in touch.


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## Stardom

Hun, i go through the same thing as you just that I am 20 weeks along. My baby girl's heartbeat stop as well on my detail scan, where growth and organs are all developing well. Till now we can't get any answer. Why will a heart beat stop suddenly when everything else is fine? :(


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## nicksi27

mommy4102012 said:


> Hi everybody. I didn't know if I would even want to be apart of a support forum, but I think it will help my grieving. There are just some things you can't do alone, right? Anyway- here is my story.
> 
> I got married on October 10, 2010 to my amazing husband, Ryan. We immediately wanted to start trying to have a family. About 4 weeks after our honeymoon, I took a pregnancy test that came out positive. A very faint positive line, but still positive. Not even two days later, I started cramping horribly, and bleeding heavily. It was the biggest heartbreak at the time. We kept trying and trying for a year or more, when finally I decided to see a fertility doctor to make sure everything was functioning right. We checked out just fine, but the doctor wanted to put us on a hormone medicine called Chlomid. After 3 months of being on Chlomid, I found out I was pregnant again! :) It was so exciting! We went in every two weeks to check on things, and time went by and before we knew it, we were at week 15 and the doctor wanted to try and look for the sex. We were having a little girl! We named her Laila Marie :) We went and bought her outfits, bows, shoes, all within 5 days! It's safe to say, we were a little excited! :winkwink: Then all of a sudden on Easter afternoon, I started feeling very feverish.. and my back began to ache.. and severe cramping started. It became hard to urinate. I thought maybe I was stretching again and maybe I had a UTI. I have been cursed with UTI's since I was 10 years old. So that next morning at 8 a.m., I called my doctors office and they asked me to come in and said they would take a urine sample and give me some antibiotics. When I got into the room, the doctor told me he wanted to do a routine ultrasound to make sure baby was still okay and that my infection wasn't something more serious. But when he went to listen to her heartbeat.. there wasn't one. And when we watched her on the screen, our once super spunky wild child, was surprisingly still.. She was gone. I went in that night and started labor. The next morning Laila was born. It was 5:10 a.m. She was 2 ounces and 6 inches long. Beautiful. But still, and so so tiny. It's been 18 weeks now since my baby went to be with Jesus. And it seems to hurt even more now than it did then.. I get so angry. I can't be around pregnant woman right now. I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like I died the day my baby did. I just wish nobody had to feel the way us woman and men do when we lose our children.


Im so sorry for your loss. Its the most heartbreaking moment ever to be told there is no heartbeat. i heard those words in february and a few days later gave birth to my beautiful little son jacob. Sending you lots of love and :hugs: There are no words that can take away the pain but i hope you find comfort in the coming months. xxx


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## kiki04

My daughters heart stopped as well. I went in for a routine apt and she too was gone :( I am so sorry you had to endure this pain and wish no one ever had to feel it. For me now it has been over a year and life does eventually get easier :hugs: At one point you will be able to think of her and smile because she was real, she existed and she is yours... but right now it is still so very fresh and raw for you....since it has been much longer for me I have learned to live again, I laugh and I smile but yet I still think about her every.single.day. I am currently TTC again but have been nothing but unsuccessul since december :( I am also on clomid right now as I just finished my first round 3 days ago. I hope this group helps you to heal as it really helped me. I met some amazing women in here when I needed them most :hugs:


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