# I feel like I'm sitting on a fence



## Rigi.kun

I think I'm bipolic when it comes to this topic.
Some days I'm happy to put my hand on my tummy and think "I'm having a boy"
Other days I think pink.
And then on days like today I'm so petrified to think of my baby as a he or she. I do not want to find out if it's a boy or a girl, as I do strongly believe deep down I don't care as in truth my baby has been one gender or the other since the moment the little spermy fertilized my egg.

The thing is, I've noticed myself thinking "boy" more often then girl, but looking back at the dates involved with conception it's more likely to be a girl in my mind, but my mind thinks boy.

I find myself getting annoyed when people give me hand me down baby clothes that are mainly pink, and happy when finally I find something blue.

My partner's mother used her wedding ring to "predict" how many children I would have and what their gender would be. She got boy, girl, boy. And I noticed she's brought a few blue things by accident even though she knows we haven't found out the gender.
My mother really wants a granddaughter and nearly all my friend's want my baby to be a girl.

What I'm scared about is that my mind will think so deeply that I'm having a boy but in reality I have a girl and I won't bond with her.

I'm scared I won't bond with my child fullstop, which I really need to talk to someone about.


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## katealim

I feel the same way, (that I won't bond if I get my hopes up to high for having a boy and end up with a third girl). But then I also felt this way when I was expecting my 2nd child. I really thought she was a boy and spent a good chunk of my pregnancy worrying if I would bond at all if I had another girl. Well I did and now I adore her more then anything. I'm still hoping this lo will be a boy and can't help but think maybe??? I think it's natural to worry about bonding but rest assured you will if not sooner then def. when that precious gift enters the world, but for me the feeling of wanting a boy never went away either and so here we are trying again. :hugs:


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## Rigi.kun

True, I shouldn't be worried as this is my first.


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## lori

:hugs: I`ve read your post several times but never feel that I`m the right person to answer because I _did_ have a hard time bonding with my first son after he was born (I wanted a daughter very badly).

The vast majority of women I've talked to about this say that they fell in love as soon as they held their babies and that the disappointment disappeared. I really hope that this is your experience.

However, if it's not, that doesn't make you a bad mother. I'm terrified that the same thing is going to happen when this baby is born (I'm expecting another boy in 3 weeks), but I know that I'll get through it. There's lots of help available if you feel really down after delivery, and this time I'm going to make better use of that help if I need it. 

One thing I've learned is that although feelings are wonderful and important, they're just one piece of the puzzle. It's my actions that really count and say something about who I am as a mother. It's the fact that I showed up for my son even though my feelings didn't match what everyone described. Some days I _felt_ distant and disconnected, but I gave my colicky, screaming son the most affection and love possible. I was always there for him. I rocked him when he cried, sat through his crazy marathon feeding sessions, and did everything in my power to comfort him. It took several months to bond with him, and while I'm nervous that the same thing is going to happen again, I don't feel nearly as guilty about it because I know that love is an action, not just a feeling. I won't feel like a bad mom if I have to ask for help or if the feelings aren't automatically there, because I know that "feelings" didn't make me any less of a mother the first time around.

I hope that none of this applies to you and that you will come back talking about how amazing it felt to hold your LO for the first time, but if it doesn't happen that way, please know that you're not alone and it's going to be ok :hugs:


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