# Husband says no Mom in delivery room.



## Kutiepatuie

Hello everyone. I am new to this site but my husband and I recently got into a serious disagreement and I need second opinions. 

Back story
My mother and I have not been close until recently. Once I told her about my pregnancy she has been extremely supportive and helpful which has allowed for our relationship to move past previous painful memories. Having a mother back in my life has been wonderful and I am so happy that she is excited about the birth of my first child and her first grandchild. 
My mother is also a licensed and trained doula, which is similar to a birthing coach. Since we have been spending a lot of time together I asked her if she would like to be in the delivery room, considering what I wanted a doula anyways. I thought how perfect that I could get that extra support while being able to share it with someone important to me and my baby. 

Today I was talking with my husband about writing a birth plan and mentioned that I would like only him and my mother to be present. He got very upset that I wanted my mom to be there and said that he shouldn't have to share this special moment and that he didn't like being made a third wheel. He also didn't like that I asked my mom before I talked with him about it. 

I personally feel that labour should really be about what makes me most comfortable and my desires. Am I being selfish for making my labour about my wants, or is he in not understanding the need for the extra support and guidance that my mother would bring. 

Help!


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## Hunbun

I think this is a difficult one. While I totally agree labour is about you being comfortable and people to support and help you through it, it is also about the birth of his baby also. I can understand why he is upset that you didn't ask him first, but I also think that he should be more understanding of why you want/need your mum present.

Personally I had my mum and DH there when I gave birth and I am very glad I did. I had a long labour and I stayed home for most of it and DH went to bed to sleep. If my mum hadn't been there then I would have been on my own. With this baby however DH has asked that it is just the two of us in the delivery room, which I have agreed to so my mum can look after LO. 

Anyway, I think you need to have a serious sit down and explain to your DH why you want your mum to be there. Explain that your scared about the experience and need as much support and help that you can get. Hopefully he will see it from your point of view once you try and see it from his. 


Good luck. :hugs:


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## Kutiepatuie

Hunbun said:


> I think this is a difficult one. While I totally agree labour is about you being comfortable and people to support and help you through it, it is also about the birth of his baby also. I can understand why he is upset that you didn't ask him first, but I also think that he should be more understanding of why you want/need your mum present.
> 
> Personally I had my mum and DH there when I gave birth and I am very glad I did. I had a long labour and I stayed home for most of it and DH went to bed to sleep. If my mum hadn't been there then I would have been on my own. With this baby however DH has asked that it is just the two of us in the delivery room, which I have agreed to so my mum can look after LO.
> 
> Anyway, I think you need to have a serious sit down and explain to your DH why you want your mum to be there. Explain that your scared about the experience and need as much support and help that you can get. Hopefully he will see it from your point of view once you try and see it from his.
> 
> 
> Good luck. :hugs:

Thank you so much for the advice. We definitely need to talk about it, when I'm not so upset. I have always been an emotional and passionate person and the pregnancy has enhanced that ten fold, which makes it hard to listen, especially when I feel like I am not being heard. Hopefully if I approach him with how I think he feels he will be more inclined to understand how I feel


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## RKW

I'm in a similar situation in that I would like my mother and husband there, but my husband has said no. Irrespective his wishes so it will be just us two. I think he feels its important that he is the one to support me, and tht it's the start of us being a family, and wants it to be special just for us two. I totally understand that so mum will come visit afterwards. 

I can understand your husband thinkin you should have consulted him first, I think the labour should be about both of you, a it is the child you have made together. 

Good luck with your decision.


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## Banshee

I can definitely see both sides although there was no way in hell I wanted my mum there during birth as she'd have annoyed me I'm sure, I can understand why some women want their mum there for support.
I also watch One Born Every Minute and have seen numerous occasions where the partner has been virtually pushed out of the experience by the mum's presence, including one where it was the mum who got to cut the cord. Your partner is possibly concerned about this happening.


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## Guppy051708

Though i can see where he is coming from, YOU are the most important factor and what makes you feel comfortable should override anything he wants. Im sorry if that sounds rude or seflish but i think when a woman has to go through a painful (and sometimes long but not always) journey such as childbirth, YOU get the final say-thats my opinion anyways. You are the one that has to cope through the pain. So i say take into consideration his thoughts and feelings and concerns. and show him that you have done that as to avoid any resentment and to show him that you care about him, but in the end you need to follow your instincts and you need to do what works for you bc YOU are the one that has to go through it. and though i understand he will be there, his journey will be nothing like yours-it wont even touch it.


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## Kirsty1003

I agree with above! I understand his feelings, my partner was the same! But the bottom line was I just wanted my mum haha! Having them both there was great, they could both take it in turns to take a break and I wasnt left alone! X


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## BubsMom17

No offense to your DH, but he needs to grow up and realize it is not a competition in the delivery room (and your mother needs to know the same, of course).
A man will NEVER know child birth. Only another mother understands that. My husband was WONDERFUL, but I needed my mom there to walk me through transition and to tell me everything was normal and natural and that I was OK. DH was overwhelmed by how much pain I was in (no pain meds at all), but my mom had been there, done that, 4 times. She KNEW what I was going through, and understood my fears and understood the pain.

I know women who did not want their moms in the room, ad that's great if you don't! But if you have a conflict about it, I think your comfort and your fears out weigh his. 

This is just my opinion. Having been there, I would not have done it differently and mom and DH did a perfect job for me. NEXT time I might forgo having my mom there since I won't be as scared, but the first I was scared s*itless and needed a mom there to help me through it.


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## jensha

IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.


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## BubsMom17

jensha said:


> IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

Your husband can be involved even with mom there. My husband was very involved in the process, cut the chord, was the first to see baby crowning, etc. I'm just saying that I don't think HE has the right to dictate whether or not mom can be in the room since the labor itself is scary and if she feels she wants her mother there for support, he should not pressure her to sacrifice that or make her feel torn in any way about it.


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## jensha

BubsMom17 said:


> jensha said:
> 
> 
> IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.
> 
> Your husband can be involved even with mom there. My husband was very involved in the process, cut the chord, was the first to see baby crowning, etc. I'm just saying that I don't think HE has the right to dictate whether or not mom can be in the room since the labor itself is scary and if she feels she wants her mother there for support, he should not pressure her to sacrifice that or make her feel torn in any way about it.Click to expand...

Yes, the husband can be included even if the mom (or any other doula/birthing coach) is there. However, that's not what I got from her post. The fact that she asked her mom before talking to her husband about it shows that she already made the decision for herself and let him excluded from the process. It might be more a matter of communication in this case rather than "mom being allowed or not", IYKWIM.


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## fieryphoenix

Personally i would just tell him what the plan is, "my mom will be there, I hope that you will be too" he isn't the one pushing the kid out :) again just imo


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## Kutiepatuie

jensha said:


> IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.

It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidance


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## jensha

Kutiepatuie said:


> jensha said:
> 
> 
> IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.
> 
> It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidanceClick to expand...

Ah! Said like that, it does sound fair! :thumbup: Have a good talk with him and I hope you'll get him on board.


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## Librastar2828

I can see his point this is a special moment which should be shared by the two of you. Especially since you hadn't spoke about it. but it's you going through all this

Could you not set out of guidelines/ground rules.. Make him understand that she is there for support in times of need, labours can be long and tough and he will need time out too.. Unfortunately you won't get that so will need someone there to give extra support. Maybe have your mum take a back seat kind of approach and speak to her and make sure she understands not to trend on his toes and be there in the background for extra support but ensuring your partner is the main one involved. 

I think you have to respect his wishes its his baby too not your mums.. On the other hand he needs to respect yours too, it's a big thing labour something he will never totally understand and mate your mum who has been through can lend support he never can


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## Guppy051708

Just from personal experience (im not saying everyone has this experience or even that you will), but DH wasn't too fond of the idea of my mum being there. (he didn't express himself that much about it, but said a little statement a time or two). But i really wanted her there bc she had 5 births, 4 of which were unmedicated, so i knew she would help me in ways that only a mom can. She was there for DS1 labor and it turns out, in the end, he was really really glad she was there. He, much like I, didn't really know what labor was like (no matter how educated we became with it). And when my labor begun with severe back labor (face up baby ouch!), a long long labor and transition and pushing stage, he was really glad to have my mom there bc 1.) he needed breaks too and he wouldn't have had that wtihout her. they switched off every now and then 2.) he didn't really understand what he could do to help. He just kind of sat there clueless. There were def times that he would do hip squeezes and talk me through, but bc it was over 30 hours long, he was exahusted, tired and a wee bit worried i think. So when my mom was there to support me and give him a break or to reassure HIM (and me) that things were going as they needed to and that it was all normal, or even her giving him tips on how to help me, he embraced it with open arms. Does he love my mom now? :nope: no way! but did he make an effort to show his gratitude that she was there? You bet. It really turned his perspective i think, but it just was something he didn't realize until we were in labor. So even though he felt similar to your DH at first, once labor was started he was much more open to her and actually really relieved to have her there.


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## Kutiepatuie

jensha said:


> Kutiepatuie said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> jensha said:
> 
> 
> IMO, if your husband doesn't want your mom in the room, you should respect him. It's HIS child too. He has a right to be included in the decision. We, women, bear the baby for 9 months, so we already bond this way. Most men don't bond with their child until they see them. The whole pregnancy process is pretty abstract for them. They feel like they have nothing to do. Being an active part in the childbirth is their way of feeling useful. Don't deny him from that feeling. Include him.
> 
> It is not like he won't be included, if anything he would be more included because my mom, as a doula has the training to guide him through how to help me, how to comfort me etc. I think other wise he will just stand there dumbfounded. This is both our first baby and neither of us know what we are doing and I think he will be so freaked out that he won't be useful unless he has some basic and loving guidanceClick to expand...
> 
> Ah! Said like that, it does sound fair! :thumbup: Have a good talk with him and I hope you'll get him on board.Click to expand...

Him and I are going to talk about it tomorrow and I am definitely going to try and explain the above to him. The last thing I would want him to feel is not apart of our babies birth. He being such an involved father (already) is one of my favourite things and I definitely wouldn't want to discourage his participation. I will post in up date, hopefully it will be a good one!


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## Kutiepatuie

Guppy051708 said:


> Just from personal experience (im not saying everyone has this experience or even that you wl), but DH wasn't too fond of the idea of my mum being there. (he didn't express himself that much about it, but said a little statement a time or two). But i really wanted her there bc she had 5 births, 4 of which were unmedicated, so i knew she would help me in ways that only a mom can. She was there for DS1 labor and it turns out, in the end, he was really really glad she was there. He, much like I, didn't really know what labor was like (no matter how educated we became with it). And when my labor begun with severe back labor (face up baby ouch!), a long long labor and transition and pushing stage, he was really glad to have my mom there bc 1.) he needed breaks too and he wouldn't have had that wtihout her. they switched off every now and then 2.) he didn't really understand what he could do to help. He just kind of sat there clueless. There were def times that he would do hip squeezes and talk me through, but bc it was over 30 hours long, he was exahusted, tired and a wee bit worried i think. So when my mom was there to support me and give him a break or to reassure HIM (and me) that things were going as they needed to and that it was all normal, or even her giving him tips on how to help me, he embraced it with open arms. Does he love my mom now? :nope: no way! but did he make an effort to show his gratitude that she was there? You bet. It really turned his perspective i think, but it just was something he didn't realize until we were in labor. So even though he felt similar to your DH at first, once labor was started he was much more open to her and actually really relieved to have her there.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I have a feeling that something similar will happen with myself. Evenif it does not I don't want to be in labour with us both freaking out and feeling lost. Labour is something I am definitely terrified about and dreaded since I found out I was pregnant. Hopefully if we set up some guide lines and I explain my position and feelings a little better he will be more understanding


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## Toms Mummy

I didn't want anyone else in the room bsides OH..... He was there to support me and the midwives were there to do the rest. No one esle was needed :shrug:


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## Kutiepatuie

*update* 
Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement. 
We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone. 
All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy. 
:)


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## xx~Lor~xx

Definitely a difficult one. Fortunately I have never wanted my mum in the labour room, so this wasn't an issue for us, but I feel it may have been if I had wanted my mum to be there. 

For your OH he may feel pushed back, especially with your mum being a doula she is likely to step in and push OH out, which will likely leave him feeling exactly like a third wheel with nothing to do. I think you need to talk to him and your mother, perhaps together, if having your mother there is something you want, then maybe you can come to an agreement all together where everyone knows what is expected and that your mother takes a step back and allows your husband to be the main support for you. Maybe she can step out of the room at periods you are coping well etc. Ultimately he will probably have to put up with your mum being there seeing as that is your wish and it's your labour, but perhaps you could discuss how he could feel more comfortable and his wants also thought of. Particularly afterwards I'm sure he would like to spend private time with you and your newborn.


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## Guppy051708

Kutiepatuie said:


> *update*
> Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
> We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
> All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.
> :)

Im glad you all could come to an agreement <3


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## caandii

I honestly don't think I would have coped without my mom there. Though it is his baby too he doesn't understand EXACTLY how ur feeling and what ur going thru, ur mom will be able to give a lot more support and help :)


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## Anthrogirl

Just a logistical note, labor (and delivery) can be long and grueling processes, might want to remind your OH that mom might be a blessing to help share the potentially very tiring job of supporting you! Glad you all worked through it, btw!


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## beegray

Glad you two came to an agreement. I wanted my mom with me for a completely different reason then support. See my mom never had her own children (I'm adopted) and my mom has moved heaven and earth for me since I was adopted. After going thru a few years of infertility myself I understood slightly wat she went thru. My Dh actually suggested this before we fell pregnant that my mom be there in the room with me so she could get as close as possible to experiencing birth. Were we live u are only allowed one person with u, so that wld mean he wld not be there. My Dh understood the importance of my mom, I think even better then I did. Unfortunately, this time round my mom won't be with me as her and my dad moved to the otherside of the country and they are already coming our side for my brother's wedding! However, with that, I would also understand completely if my dh just wanted it to be the 2 of us. The journey we went thru to this little one was a difficult one and I understand how special it is for it to be the 2 of us watching our daughter come into this world!


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## baileybubs

Really interesting thread, and I have to admit I also just decided that my mother would be there without really asking df. But to be honest it can all depend on the relationship between the 3 of you. Me and my mum are really close, she lost her own mum when I was only little and didn't have the benefit of having her mum around to help. My df and my mum also get along really really well (sometimes to the point of ganging up on me in a nice way lol) and for me the whole dynamic is perfect. They can be there for each other to help support me and the way I see it they will both be bringing different skills with them to help, my mum with her experience and being a woman, and my df as my partner who knows me better than anyone.

However I can see how some men might feel put out by not being asked as it is a special moment as the start of their own little family. I am very fortunate that it wasn't an issue and probably the reason why I didn't think to ask df if it was ok.

But I do have to say that the birth of your child is a special moment and yes the father should be able to have his own opinions, but it is not them who will be doing the difficult physical task of giving birth. It is up to the woman giving birth who she would like there to help her and I think if my df had told me outright that he did not want my mum there I would not have taken to that kindly. At the end of the day when it comes to decisions about your child then yes, everything is equal, but for how YOU feel supported throughout birth is up to you.

As I said earlier though, everyone has a different relationship an dynamics so what I would feel was right and what others would feel was right can be completely different.


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## mandaxx

It's a tough one but I'd side with your hubby. It's already about you a lot and men get pushed to the side. This is his big moment too and if he feels threatened that isn't fair. You don't really need your mum there, I've never had mine. You'll do just as good without her, plus when you're in full blown labour you won't even notice anyone around you. I believe labour and birth is for the mum and dad only really, unless the dad doesn't mind. But that's just me xxx


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## tamithomas

Kutiepatuie said:


> *update*
> Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
> We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
> All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.
> :)

Haha, you just described what I want. Glad you guys came to an understanding :)


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## Leesy

tamithomas said:


> Kutiepatuie said:
> 
> 
> *update*
> Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
> We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
> All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.
> :)
> 
> Haha, you just described what I want. Glad you guys came to an understanding :)Click to expand...

That's what me and my oh decided then come the time I was crying begging my mum not to leave lol.


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## Guppy051708

um, i def could not have gotten through my first labor without my mother. What works for some doesn't work for everyone! It doesn't mean daddy was forgotten about or pushed to the side, my husband was just as invovled and never once felt like he was left out, but i couldn't get it through it without her (or him!). Different strokes for different folks.


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## mandaxx

Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.


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## Guppy051708

mandaxx said:


> Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.

My mom was not present with my second birth (we live 10 hours apart). But i had highly trusting MWs with me, that knew me personally, and they were lovely (as was my DH <3 Again, he was not left out or pushed aside bc i had other support there) I believe things happen for a reason. There was a good reason why mom was able to be at my first birth, it was extremely long hard and tiresome wouldn't even begin to define it. I DEF would not have had the unmedicated, hopeful birth that i wanted without her. Sure, i would have had the baby, obviously, but i know for a fact it would have resulted in everything i didn't want had she not been there. (Second birth was under 1.5 hours, so much easier not to mention i had done it once by then so i had way more confidence) But still it makes no difference, if the OP thinks it's important for her mom to be there, than it is important. I really would not have gotten through my first birth without my mother and i dont see how you can say you know how it would have gone without someone highly wanted as support. Women have been supporting women since the dawn of humanity. It doesn't mean that daddy can't be invovled. It doesn't mean that he is being forgotten about or stepped on :nope: It simply means that mom has a wholesome support group and that includes the father. Again, different things for different ppl, especially when the OP says it's important to her AND she DOES have a choice. It's not like it can't happen in her situation. Besides that, she came on here and said they came to an agreement, established a compromise. Both parties are happy, none forgotten about. It did not appear as if dad was forgotten or left out.


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## Glitter_berry

Glad you came to an agreement. 
I decided not to have my mum with us this time around as she really bugged me with her mother knows best attitude last time. Although she probably meant well, the hormones and pain didn't agree with her or my hubby really. Lol 

This time I want to make a plan of what I would like to do.


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## lozzy21

My OH did not want my mam to be there and as much as i respected his wishes i did not agree with them. He is intitled to his opinion but it was my vagina the baby was coming out of so my wishes came 1st. It was our first and since he had never been in labour himself i wanted some one there who knew what it was like. 

In the end he was glad she was there, i spent my labour in silance and he would have had a very boring 7 hours if he had not had my mam there to talk to. She did not take over but gave him ideas on how to help me, "try putting pressure on that part of her back". My midwife was shit and it was my mam that was suggesting different positions, OH was clueless on things like that, Niamh came 5 weeks early so never got chance to go to antinatal classes.

Having a doula or other familiar female support can Shorten first-time labour by an average of 2 hours, Decreases the chance of caesarean section by 50%, Decreases the need for pain medication, Helps fathers participate with confidence, Increases success in breastfeeding.

Taken from doula UK.

https://doula.org.uk/content/why-there-need-doulas


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## staralfur

mandaxx said:


> It's a tough one but I'd side with your hubby. It's already about you a lot and men get pushed to the side. This is his big moment too and if he feels threatened that isn't fair. You don't really need your mum there, I've never had mine. You'll do just as good without her, plus when you're in full blown labour you won't even notice anyone around you. I believe labour and birth is for the mum and dad only really, unless the dad doesn't mind. But that's just me xxx

Of course she doesn't NEED her mother there, she doesn't "need" her husband there, either...or a doctor, for that matter! She could give birth by herself in the middle of a forest. But people are there to help and comfort whoever it is giving birth, and if that person feels it's important for their mom to be there then what's the issue? 

OP, I'm glad you sorted it out, that sounds like a great plan. :)


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## berniegroves

I don't speak to my mum so it was just DH and me for our daughters birth. My DH was incredibly supportive and wonderful. But I imagine it would have been nice to have a woman present who had been through the experience before. 
The delivery suite was super busy and so we barely saw the midwife! 

I think that labour is an amazing experience for a couple, but it can also be scary, confusing and painful. So if a woman wants extra support before going through that I think it should be respected. 

I'm glad you and your OH came to an agreement. 
Xx


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## Amy89

This is a really interesting thread! I never wanted my mum there, I don't really want her to see me in such a mess before motherhood, buttttttt lately I don't know! I think I'm just gonna wait it out, then if I want her ill get OH to call her. He won't have an issue with it, I know very well that labour will be hard for him too, and he has a tendency to 'flap' in tense situations! The calming influence of my mum will be good for us both, if we need it.
Plus, what if something goes wrong and I got sent to theatre? He'd be going absolutely mental waiting to come down to theatre if he was on his own.


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## imthatgirl

I'm glad you two were able to come to an agreement. With my second there was a chance my mom would be around when I was birthing. She had just moved to the same town and was living with us. Considering I was having a homebirth there was a good chance she'd be at home too. My (now ex)husband wasn't comfortable with her being there. Said it was too special of a time for us. He knew I needed support though and said he wouldn't mind a doula, just as long as it was someone I wasn't emotionally connected to. He wanted to be my emotional support, even if someone else helped with the physical side of it. I understood that completely.


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## Amy89

mandaxx said:


> Well you could have, because you wouldn't have had any choice.

You know what, that's actually really rude. People don't come on here asking for smart ass comments, it's for advice. And if she feels she couldn't have done it without her Mum, then fine. It's not for you to start being rude.


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## Clarabell543

My hubby wasn't sure about my mom being there as she can be a bit over powering at times but she took a back seat and as i had a tough time and got put under general for an emcs he was grateful he had her support whilst he was waiting to hear the news on me and lo. He found it all very distressing. That said if i'd had the natural relaxed labour I had wanted he may have thought differently!


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## Bonnie11

Glad you guys managed to come to an agreement that you are both happy with. 
I am having OH and my best friend there. She has been like a sister to me for the past 20 years and has had 2 kids herself so she knows what I'm going through, plus my mum is disabled and is not able to be there. My oh is happy with it as they both get on great and he is kind of nervous about the birth anyway as he hates hospitals and blood so I think it takes the pressure off him if he needs to go outside and have a break for a bit.
However! That decision was made with both of us, and if he had been against it I would have respected his decision. This is just as much his baby as mine, no matter who it comes out of, and I wouldn't like him putting pressure on me to have someone I didn't want there. 
Glad you guys managed to come to an agreement, it sounds fair all round.


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## krysb

There is plenty for two people to do. When my wife gave birth to my first son she definitely trusted me to be supportive. Her labor wasn't even abnormally long at 18 hours but we were both happy to have her good friend (who is also a doula) there. She had a tough natural labor and delivery and her friend offered extra support and could also be more of a firm voice while I was there to support her emotionally. When I give birth in about 10ish weeks I am similarly hoping to have a friend there.


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## krysb

Kutiepatuie said:


> *update*
> Talked with the hubby and we came to an agreement.
> We have decided that throughout the labour my mother will be there but when it comes to the actual delivery we will ask my mom to leave. That way I get the support that I need and he feels that he still gets that first family moment with our baby alone.
> All and all I think this is a super fair agreement and we are both happy.
> :)

Just wondering....what if you push for 3+ hours? Will mom be there for support during second stage and leave as the baby is crowning, or is she expected to leave during the pushing? This is when my wife felt it was most useful to have 2 of us there as support people because of some of the positions (like supported squatting) she felt most comfortable in. It took her well over 3 hours to push out our son.


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## Viola Payne

As someone who had a very difficult and traumatic first birth without my mother present I can definitely say that I'm planning on having her there this time. No offence to any men out there but this is women's business, men will never understand what it's like to give birth. Until a few hundred years ago men never went in the delivery room, historically it was always women helping each other. It's about what makes you most comfortable.


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## smallpeanut

I was so out of it I didn't know who was in the room. Personally, I wanted it to just be me oh and our new baby. WE were the family. It was lovely (from what I can remember) and my mum got first cuddle the next morning in hospital.

I love my mum but it was our baby which IMO should be about the actual family unit. I got more than enough support from my oh and the midwives.

If I was your oh, I'd be pissed you hadn't spoken to me first. I'd have approached the situation openly and honestly. It is your ultimate choice but it's also your mans first moment with his son or daughter x


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## archangel24

I have a similar situation with my DH and Mom. Dh will have to just understand that it is what makes me comfortable. I respect his feelings and i have told her that i want My husband to be the "first in command" after me but when times get tough and labour goes for a long time, the more people who love you on your team the better :)


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## Louise88

I remember having the same disagreement with my oh I wanted my mum with me when I have birth and my oh just wanted it to be me and him he also mentioned why should my mum get to see the birth of her first grandchild and his mum miss out which made sense to me. Both our mums just sat in the waiting room while I gave birth and the midwives were very nice in letting them both come see Ciara after around 30mins after birth.


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## amygwen

If my OH would've told me that my mom couldn't be there during the delivery/birthing process, I would've laughed in his face. IMO, I don't think it's the man's decision, I think it should be up to the woman who she wants in there, SHE is the one pushing the baby out. Yes, it is his child.. but I think for everything we have to put up with for 9 months, having who we want in the delivery room shouldn't even be questioned. My OH, my mom and dad were in the delivery room with me. We had LO late in the evening (6PM) and visiting hours were over at 9PM, so by the time LO was done in the nursery and brought back to us, my parents had already left and it was just OH and I. It would've been nice to have the extra hands though.

I'm glad you came up with an agreement with your DH. Hopefully it works out positively for the both of you.


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## archangel24

That's a good point you bring up about my DH mom... I actually hadn't considered the double standard. That being said, i have to agree that after 9 months of being pregnant i get the last say on who is in the delivery room for sure ;)


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## ready4family

My DH and I definitely want it to be just us when I deliver. He doesn't want my mom in there either LOL. What I think is maybe have my mom on standby if I need her to come in when in labor etc, but I plan on it just being him and I.


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## Veryv

A little selfish imo, yes he can "learn" to share the moment with your mother but why should he have to? Like another poster said that is his bonding moment with his baby and how would you feel if he wanted his mother in there? Or someone else that you really didn't know well? (since you stated your mother was recently involved in your lives). There are two people who should be in the room (you and your husband) aside from that it needs to be a mutually agreed upon decision. Taking the stance of "I carried the baby for 9 months its my decision" sounds a little bit like birth-zilla! 

On a side note I do not live close to my mother or family, and did not want OH's mother in the room. The entire pregnancy she said she was coming in anyways. When it came down to it I didn't care that she was in the room and allowed her to be there until the pushing stage (when thanks to my birth plan which said OH only) they ushered her out until a few minutes after DD was born. It all worked out fine. If you need her for support keep her until you push, let OH and baby bond and then have her come back in.


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## archangel24

Bonding would be most definitely just daddy, mommy and baby time :)


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## krys

You're the one in labor, you should have all the support you want! I think it's awesome that she's a doula and she would know how to support you and comfort you, as well as getting to share the experience with her daughter. Your husband needs to be considerate and remember he isn't the one pushing a child out of his vagina. That's a pretty intense experience, you're doing the hard part. Once the baby is here she can go wait with the others and give you and hubby bonding time, OR even better, she can take lots of pictures of that amazing first bonding time. I wish I had more pictures of our first moments with our girl.


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## Guppy051708

deleted.


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## want2bemommy

What about mom there during labor but not delivery?


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## archangel24

I could see how that is a good compromise. Mom in Labor but not delivery.


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