# How to not offend?



## angel2010

How do you ladies tell people (in conversation, not just throwing it out there) how you parent or about your birth choices without offending. For example, I hate saying "oh, we don't let Carter eat X" to friends because I feel like they will be like "oh, so we are bad parents because we do". 
Once while talking with friends I mentioned that I was doing erf, then all of a sudden one of them was telling me all these reasons why they don't. 
So far I haven't told any of my friends about my homebirth wishes. Basically I can't tell them any of my birth wishes (extended skin-to-skin, delayed cord clamping, etc) because I feel that they will look at me like I have a third eye. 
I just wish people would understand that just because I do things this way or that doesn't mean I think they are bad. I really couldn't care how they do things. I just wish more people were as open minded and educated as women are on this forum.


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## Jazavac

I am not a parent yet, but I do struggle telling people how I do basically anything. More here in the US than I used to back home. It's mostly because I am, all of a sudden, surrounded with brand new people, most of which do not share my lifestyle. 

People my husband and I really know get to hear really honest opinions. All others usually don't need to even know what we don't eat, where we don't go, where we shop... it just makes no sense. It's even odd enough that, say, I cook at home and that most of our meals are prepared from scratch. 

When it comes to birth choices, I am fairly sure I won't even discuss that with anyone, other than closest family and friends (overseas). Here I actually struggle to find people I click with. :/


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## angel2010

dfjskc said:


> omg

omg what?


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## angel2010

Jazavac said:


> I am not a parent yet, but I do struggle telling people how I do basically anything. More here in the US than I used to back home. It's mostly because I am, all of a sudden, surrounded with brand new people, most of which do not share my lifestyle.
> 
> People my husband and I really know get to hear really honest opinions. All others usually don't need to even know what we don't eat, where we don't go, where we shop... it just makes no sense. It's even odd enough that, say, I cook at home and that most of our meals are prepared from scratch.
> 
> When it comes to birth choices, I am fairly sure I won't even discuss that with anyone, other than closest family and friends (overseas). Here I actually struggle to find people I click with. :/

Maybe it is just a US thing? I am not sure if any of my friends even know about things like delayed cord clamping. I can just imagine them saying "um, why would you want to do that?" and thinking I am some new age hippie or something. 

BTW we have moved into this city about 4 months ago, so don't really have any super close friends.


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## Blah11

It's not a US thing, people here think I'm a bit odd for erf, extended bfing, homebirthing, delayed cord clamping, water birthing, cloth using etc. Lol. Personally, I don't care. If they get offended they obviously aren't secure with their own choices.


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## RaspberryK

Yeah people (including family and close friends) look at me like I have two heads a lot, I have decided I don't give a crap! Strangely it's the older generation (my Nana and her siblings and DH great aunts) who think I am making great choices, i.e. home birth, breastfeeding, reusable nappies. 
I only tell people when they ask and I do wonder why they bother when they only want to hear what they think is the norm. I don't care about offending them as they don't seem to care about offending me.

x


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## Kess

RaspberryK said:


> Yeah people (including family and close friends) look at me like I have two heads a lot, I have decided I don't give a crap! Strangely it's the older generation (my Nana and her siblings and DH great aunts) who think I am making great choices, i.e. home birth, breastfeeding, reusable nappies.
> I only tell people when they ask and I do wonder why they bother when they only want to hear what they think is the norm. I don't care about offending them as they don't seem to care about offending me.
> 
> x

I've found similar with the older generation with homebirth and cloth nappies, though my DH's Nan was scandalised that DH was there at the birth! Unfortunately, lots of older people in DH's family seem convinced I'll need to supplement with formula, but some of the slightly younger ones do too.


OP, I've found the phrase, "This works for us" useful.


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## FeistyMom

I have been trying to figure that out too - I had a very awkward conversation with a mom who was planning on having an epi and asked if I was, and I said no - going all natural. She got offended that I thought I was 'better' than she was or something, and I tried to explain no, that I'm just scared of needles 

It is even worse with breastfeeding vs formula. My boss at work was formula fed, and even though I've successfully breastfed two DDs, she feels the need to bring up formula all the time! Like, 'I was formula fed, and I turned out just fine' and stuff like that. How many ways can you say 'yay for you - this is me' without sounding rude? I'll happily explain my choices if someone truly wants to know how I've arrived at these decisions, but that isn't what most people seem to want.


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## NaturalMomma

You know what, you're going to offend no matter what you do. You won't offend everyone. I am a super crunchy hippie mommy. Do not care what others think. I use to watch what I say, but now I don't. If we're going to talk about parenting, discipline, birthing, feeding, etc. I have every right to say how I do things just like everyone else. If they are offended they might have parenting insecruities or it might be a new idea that challenges what they already believe.


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## sam#3

im pretty up front and controversial so i generally dont care if i offend people with my choices!!!


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## angel2010

Thanks ladies. I just wish I could talk about it to friends IRL. I mean actually bring these things up myself without fear of them taking it the wrong way or thinking I am crazy. It is unfair that we can't just openly discuss how we parent/birth. I try to not care so much if I offend, but I can't help it. Another example, one friend was thinking about having a play group with the toddlers (of the mommy group I am in). What she wanted to do was have little objects on a table hidden in/under cool whip (whipped cream) and the kids would have to find the objects by feeling around in the cool whip with their hands. I felt bad telling her that I wasn't comfortable with Carter eating all that cool whip. Then she was like "oh come on, it's just a little cool whip".


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## pester

I know I will run into it with parenting issues once the little one is here. I totally hear you its so hard to say these are the reasons I'm doing XXX or don't want XXX in labor. Which are usually negatives. Don't want an drugs/epi because of xxx negative effects.

HOW on earth do you tell most people that without comming across like you if you had the drugs/epi than you made a bad choice... It really hard. I mostly avoid talking about it or I emphasize the affect on ME. Well I don't handle meds(I don't really have that much of an issue) well so am trying to avoid them and hoping to use other ways to deal. Makeing it about ME rather than the baby helps. "I" certainly care about both but it helps in conversations to make it more about me.

Its hard though. I do feel like I'm alone in the choices I'm making.


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## xxembobxx

I think a lot of it is probably ignorance. I didn't really know about ERF, BLW until I came on here. Previously I would have thought extended breast feeding and baby wearing was just for hippies but I'm seriously considering them next time.
It's the same with home birth, we are conditioned to go with what the medical people tell us. I have 4 children and it is only on my 5th and last pregnancy that I decided I want the birth I want NOT what the MW's think is best.
I guess it's all about confidence in your decisions. Most women who choose more natural options have probably researched their choices. I doubt "regular" mums have done so, they just go with what is considered the norm.


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## angel2010

xxembobxx said:


> I think a lot of it is probably ignorance. I didn't really know about ERF, BLW until I came on here. Previously I would have thought extended breast feeding and baby wearing was just for hippies but I'm seriously considering them next time.
> It's the same with home birth, we are conditioned to go with what the medical people tell us. I have 4 children and it is only on my 5th and last pregnancy that I decided I want the birth I want NOT what the MW's think is best.
> I guess it's all about confidence in your decisions. Most women who choose more natural options have probably researched their choices. I doubt "regular" mums have done so, they just go with what is considered the norm.

You are exactly right. I need to recommend bnb more, but I am just too selfish!


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## jcg0506

I'm going to risk sounding ignorant, but what does ERF stand for?


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## angel2010

Extended rear facing, in reference to carseats. You don't sound ignorant at all.:flower:


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## Fuchsia1412

I think if it's the case that you're talking to someone who's actually a friend (as opposed to an acquaintance who's not very close)and you want them to understand your reasons, perhaps start with one thing, and focus on it and why you want to do that thing...?explain all about it and so on... Breastfeeding is a controversial one, I can relate to that...in my head, I kind of want to say 'well..what are the reasons for NOT wanting to breastfeed..? why are you looking at me as though I have made the odd decision..?!" but as you've said, don't want to offend people, especially my friends...but you know what, it's hard to find someone you are completely on a level with, parenting wise..I have friends with whom I feel like you do, hippie one-eyed weirdo uptight monster..and with others, I feel that I am the one who isn't quite 'yummy' enough, for example those who have banned all telly whereas I quite like Charlie and Lola...:winkwink:


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## Nosy_Cow

My closest friend actually calls me a hippy! Just because I have different parenting opinions to her! I totally understand where you are coming from!

I was trying to explain to my dad (of all people) yesterday about ERF but I find it difficult because my brother is only 2 and isn't ERF. So I tried explaining we need a larger car (we only have a 3 door) so it's easier to get baby in and out of an ERF seat but he said why not just put it forward facing!? :saywhat: That's not the point I'm making! 

Then BLW! OMG! How many people think I'm weird for BLW! The difference between Skye and her friend (2 months older TW) is huge! Skye sits and happily munches through a slice toast and some fruit whereas her friend will sit there being fed purees from a spoon staring at Skye wondering why he can't do that! The nursery are the worst for it! I've told them just give it to her and she'll eat till she's full but they are insisting she isn't eating enough! She's 7 months - she's not going to eat a full 2 course meal! 

My home birth was perfect but just because Skye had a temperature problem everyone told me it was my fault for being selfish and having her a home. Would having her in hospital have made any difference? None whatsoever! She'd had still had the temperature problem! I had no pain relief and get told I'm mental - why? I didn't need the pain relief! Then you get people like my SIL who says she was only in labour for 1 hour and had no pain relief except when she was pushing she had gas and air. When in fact she was induced at 9am and didn't have baby till 1am the following morning (more than a 1 hour labour there?) and had gas and air so therefore DID have pain relief?!

:rofl: I won't even mention the fact Skye is using her potty. People think I'm mental for even putting a 7 month on a potty! 

Anyway I'm ranting on! What I do is stick with what you believe even if you feel like you offend. Use the "It works for us & baby!" line LOTS!

:hugs:


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## Jazavac

Like I said, I'm not even a parent yet, but I do face a lot of raised eyebrows and other reactions to what I do or say. So I guess it will continue once we have kids. But oh well.

We plan avoiding strollers. We'll likely own one, because my husband can't easily wear the baby, but for the most part it won't be used. I don't care for TV and am overall against keeping one on around kids, let alone _for_ kids. I don't care for piles of plastic cheap toys (wooden is the way to go, as well as homemade). We cook our food from scratch, really almost all of it. A great deal of it is organic - this year we failed to find enough time for our garden, so we just try to buy as much as we can afford. We eat rarely any meat, and if we do, it's grass fed and local. That also raises questions because it is _rotten spoiled_ and whatnot, because we spend _all that money_ on one pound of meat a month. 

But, like I said, with random people, I just don't care. I've found that it often is just a waste of my time if I try to explain. So 'We don't eat that.', 'We don't do that.' and similar things are the ways to go.


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## xxembobxx

Fuchsia1412 said:


> but you know what, it's hard to find someone you are completely on a level with, parenting wise..I have friends with whom I feel like you do, hippie one-eyed weirdo uptight monster..and with others, I feel that I am the one who isn't quite 'yummy' enough, for example those who have banned all telly whereas I quite like Charlie and Lola...:winkwink:

I know the feeling :thumbup:
I have brought the children up in what is considered "the norm" but have totally changed my ideas 10 years later when I had LO. I now intend to breastfeed for quite a while whereas my older 3 was only for a few months. I suppose not having to rush back to work helps that decision though. I'm also going to babywear the next LO but again that's more practical as I can then feed and still be able to get up and go with LO as he will only be 18 months so still wanting a lot of mummy's time!
I always feel like I don't go far enough in natural parenting as there are 'yummy mummies' who are totally into it. I know it's an excuse as basically I'm lazy but with a family of 7 some things have to give!


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## lesbianlove

i understand hun, im the only person in my extremely large family who has breastfed, and got weird looks and comments from all of them about how disgusting it was and how bottle feeding was so much easier, and then when i had my babies in a wrap it was oh the child will be clinging to u forevor u need to let them lie by themselves!!, and now me wanting a homebirth im somehow crazy and putting my baby at risk by not being in a hospital, i didnt even bother mentioning other things like what happens wi cord and placenta, and jsut keep my distance now as my family is majorly f'd up, as in my cousin is expecting her 4th baby which shes on benefits has never worked, but struggling to buy a £900 pram, and lookin down at me cos i bought second hand, and i do work bla i mstarting to rant here lol damn hormones


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## kellyb

I've been thinking about this same thing lately. It seems that every time someone asks me about my choices, I tell them that I will be going all natural (normal, is what I really want to say), but then I always feel the need to add some sort of disclaimer, like, "Maybe I'm just crazy," or "But we'll see." It's like I do it to make THEM feel better, or maybe it's because I don't want to start a debate or have an eyebrow raised at me. But you know what, I've had enough of doing that, and I'm not going to. If others get offended by my choices then that's totally a reflection of their OWN insecurities. I'm proud of the choices I make, so I should be able to freely speak of them. In the same way, if they are so proud of their choices, the same should be true. It's not like I go ranting about how poor I think some of their choices are. Anyhow, since this is my first, I'm looking so forward to going through childbirth so that I can finally be a full-fledged authority on the subject!


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## angel2010

kellyb said:


> I've been thinking about this same thing lately. It seems that every time someone asks me about my choices, I tell them that I will be going all natural (normal, is what I really want to say), but then I always feel the need to add some sort of disclaimer, like, "Maybe I'm just crazy," or "But we'll see." It's like I do it to make THEM feel better, or maybe it's because I don't want to start a debate or have an eyebrow raised at me. But you know what, I've had enough of doing that, and I'm not going to. If others get offended by my choices then that's totally a reflection of their OWN insecurities. I'm proud of the choices I make, so I should be able to freely speak of them. In the same way, if they are so proud of their choices, the same should be true. It's not like I go ranting about how poor I think some of their choices are. Anyhow, since this is my first, I'm looking so forward to going through childbirth so that I can finally be a full-fledged authority on the subject!

Yes, a disclaimer! I always feel like I have to add one. That is what I am getting at. It just really stinks we can't talk about our choices without feeling like we need a disclaimer.


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## Mum2b_Claire

I think informed choices that aren't necessarily the 'norm' make some people feel uncomfortable because they just went with the norm without questioning it. If I think somebody falls into this category I will try and avoid discussing certain things with them because it's never going to be a constructive conversation.


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## angel2010

Mum2b_Claire said:


> I think informed choices that aren't necessarily the 'norm' make some people feel uncomfortable because they just went with the norm without questioning it. If I think somebody falls into this category I will try and avoid discussing certain things with them because it's never going to be a constructive conversation.

That is basically the point I have gotten to.


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## ruby559

Hi,
This is my first post! I am a ftm and really want to try for a natural water birth but I feel like everyone thinks I am either a) an idiot/crazy for even considering it (luckily, not my family since my mam and stepmum had minimal drugs I think) and say things like 'you havent had a baby yet so you say that now...' or b) I feel like they think I'm offending them- I'm not criticising anyones choice of an epidural its just not MY choice!!! aaaghh!!!


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## Samantha675

ruby559 said:


> Hi,
> This is my first post! I am a ftm and really want to try for a natural water birth but I feel like everyone thinks I am either a) an idiot/crazy for even considering it (luckily, not my family since my mam and stepmum had minimal drugs I think) and say things like 'you havent had a baby yet so you say that now...' or b) I feel like they think I'm offending them- I'm not criticising anyones choice of an epidural its just not MY choice!!! aaaghh!!!

Ugh, while they are right that you haven't had a baby, you are quite capable of doing research and reading and making an informed decision. There is nothing wrong with saying, 'this is how I want it to go.' Stick to your guns!!!


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## xxembobxx

lesbianlove said:


> i understand hun, im the only person in my extremely large family who has breastfed, and got weird looks and comments from all of them about how disgusting it was and how bottle feeding was so much easier, and then when i had my babies in a wrap it was oh the child will be clinging to u forevor u need to let them lie by themselves!!, and now me wanting a homebirth im somehow crazy and putting my baby at risk by not being in a hospital, i didnt even bother mentioning other things like what happens wi cord and placenta, and jsut keep my distance now as my family is majorly f'd up, as in my cousin is expecting her 4th baby which shes on benefits has never worked, but struggling to buy a £900 pram, and lookin down at me cos i bought second hand, and i do work bla i mstarting to rant here lol damn hormones

My mum is supportive of BF as she did it but I do feel like OH's family don't understand why I do it. I also tend to go into another room to BF so I don't offend anyone but with this baby I'm going to do it wherever. I can be discreet so there shouldn't be a problem.

O/T but I also get worked up when I see girls with prams that I can't afford. I fell in love with a Mamas & Papas Mimi pram for LO but couldn't justify the £800 cost. I saw a girl that has never worked walking about with one and was soooo jealous and bitter. It just riled me that me and OH were worse off financially having a baby yet she was actually getting more money than she'd ever had before :dohh:
Hormones maybe but probably more jealousy lol.


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## ambreen359

Me and OH are on ok wage but decided to buy all the big things second hand as we did not want to spend excessive amount on what we wanted also if u do your research u can get very good quality second hand - i agree with everything above this is my 3rd with a 19year gap between the last pregnancy and the choices we are making this time are very different to when i had my 1st 2 i was 20 and went along with what the 'norm' was but when i got pregnant this time i researched loads so i was fully prepared and tbh i am doing everything differently i get annoyed having to justify my decisions so dont really go into alot of detail because at end of the day its no one else's business i would not question anyone who wanted a medicalised birth or who ff - i do have one question what is benefit of erf car seat i have not heard of this so feel quite ignorant?


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## BirthCoach

I am a homebirthing, tandem extended breastfeeding pregnant mom, cloth diapering, non vaccinating, cosleeping, baby wearing mama. And probably everything else the average person woudl consider strange. 

I don't advertise my choices (other than things that i do publicly like breastfeed, baby wear, etc) or tell people that they are doing anything wrong but will talk about them. If someone asks what I do, I tell them and tell them how much I love doing it that way and why. But I always talk about it for me. 

"It's so much easier for me to breastfeed because I don't have to get up in the middle of the night." 'I love cosleeping because I love waking up to morning smiles.' "I find it so much easier to carry my baby in a sling than to lug around a heavy care seat and then they are all set for nursing when they need." "I loved giving birth at home, wouldn't do it any other way, I was such a wonderful experience." 

They can take what they want from it. You will offend people, no doubt about it. Every time you express that you have made a choice that is different from theirs it makes them question their own decisions. Open and conscious people will realize that self evaluation helps them make better choices. It will either allow them to reevaluate what they are doing and chose something different or reaffirm that they have made the right choice for them. 

I always also tell people when they start to feel they may have made a choice that they are reevaluating that everyone makes the best decisions with the information they had at the time. 

I would suggest that you may find that friends often change when you have kids as parenting choices can create large divides in friendships. Meetups is a great way of finding alternative parenting groups.


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## JASMAK

I don't know...most of what you all are considering 'abnormal' like BFing, extended rear facing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering...it just very normal here. I don't know why anyone would be offended..so I am guessing that where you are from it is weird??? Personally, I don't really care how others raise their kids, and the way mine are raised isn't really brought up too much. I don't usually run around telling people how I do things...I just do it. If someone has an issue that you breastfeed, then that is their problem, not yours..unless you are rubbing it in their face and they are offended because maybe they tried to, or wanted to, but couldn't. But, honestly, I have never found any of these things an issue...


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## qwk

I didnt read through every response so maybe someone already said something similar... But I think a lot of people just get defensive when they realize they could be doing "more" in some way, but choose not to for various reasons. I've been a vegetarian for almost 13 years now, and people repeatedly react that way, even though I NEVER bring up my diet, neeeever even imply that others should likewise become vegetarians, etc. Nonetheless people often start talking either about how stupid it is to be a vegetarian, how they could never do it, how I can't get the right nutrients, etc etc etc. I just shrug it off. 

Same goes, from what I can tell so far, about natural childbirth and parenting. People just seem to feel that my decision to cloth diaper is some sort of personal attack on their decision to use disposables, and they lash out providing all sorts of reasons to support their choice - even though I could care less! 

I guess I have no advice but just wanted to say I totally know what you'd mean. I don't think, however, that you should start out defending your choice or calling yourself crazy in order to try to avoid offending someone who is oversensitive! Your choices are your own, be proud of them :)


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## blessedmomma

honey i will be honest, i didnt read all the responses.

i just wanted to say, you have to figure out what works best for you and your children. no one is raising your children but you and DH. there is no instructions that comes with parenting, just do what you think is best. try not to be offended if someone disagrees. if they are offended, they will have to get over it. they may raise their children as they wish, but they may NOT raise your children as they wish. parents learn as we go and if they are true friends they will respect what you do with your children as much as you respect what they do with theirs. for example, i knew after 2 months with my first baby that my children will never sleep in a crib. its not for me or them. however, we still bought a crib for my BIL/SIL when they needed one for their new baby. it doesnt matter that they dont co-sleep, i love and respect them enough as family and parents of their own children to help meet those needs. i dont go into details why we dont vaccinate, or why we cloth diaper, or really anything unless someone asks. i tell them, but i am not willing to argue. to us, the Lord gave us our children to raise and He also gave them theirs. they dont have to justify to me and i dont have to justify to them. occasionally you just have to agree to disagree and thats ok.

be confident in your parenting choices, your children are depending on you to make the best decisions for them. mostly to show them love though. with love, you will never go wrong!:hugs:


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## snowangel187

FeistyMom said:


> I have been trying to figure that out too - I had a very awkward conversation with a mom who was planning on having an epi and asked if I was, and I said no - going all natural. She got offended that I thought I was 'better' than she was or something, and I tried to explain no, that I'm just scared of needles
> 
> It is even worse with breastfeeding vs formula. My boss at work was formula fed, and even though I've successfully breastfed two DDs, she feels the need to bring up formula all the time! Like, 'I was formula fed, and I turned out just fine' and stuff like that. How many ways can you say 'yay for you - this is me' without sounding rude? I'll happily explain my choices if someone truly wants to know how I've arrived at these decisions, but that isn't what most people seem to want.

I really don't care what other people think I nursed my daughter for a year and a half it was a commitment and most of my family thought it was a waste of time that I did it too long etc. Just because they didn't nurse for long or at all. But you know what my daughter is 3 years old and has never been sick. Unlike my nieces and nephews and I believe it was due to the effort I made to nurse so long. I don't have a tolerance for people and their stupidity :haha: I've made it very clear opinions are not welcome unless asked for. Everybody has a right to do what they think is the "right" way of delivering/raising a baby and unless somebody is doing something I think is harmful to the baby I keep my opinion to myself. To each their own. :flower:


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## Tegans Mama

I don't hold back either, I just say what I need to say and be done with it :lol: I DO try and not use the scornful tone of voice others use towards me though. 

I do sometimes feel that people (specifically one person - member of my family who has had a million kids and me with my measly one :lol: ) thinks she is a better parent than me, no matter what I do. I don't think it's a case of "better" parenting though, it's different parenting.


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