# SERIOUS: 5 yo boy touching my 4 yo girl



## minkie

So my husband and I are sick to our stomachs and couldn't sleep all night because of this. Please tell me your thoughts as to wether this is something that happens alot wiith 5 year old boys. Went to my sisters house for a baby shower and let my kinds play like normal over there (very close with sister and her kids and family) and my nephew and 4 year old were playing like always. Well that night when we got home I was putting the baby to bed and she told my husband that Adam had "something on his booty" (meaning she saw his wee wee) so my husband inquired this and found out this story, he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts. Now I don't know how long he did this or anything this is coming from a 4 year old but it did happen she doesnt make up stuff like this. I called my sister and she just kind of laughed it off saying she doesn't think he would do something like that. Well, yes he did! I don't know what to do now. I don't want to never go over to her house again I love my sister and her kids...but my husband is afraid she will remember this her whole life and be scarred and I mean it is very disturbing. Is this normal behavior for a 5 year old boy? SHould we just move on from it or what? I am lost as to what to do now......


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## humblebum

I'd be inclined to put it down to them both experimenting rather than anything sinister. Still not very nice but they are both still very young and not entirely sure of what is appropriate and what's not. I'd have been a bit cross that it was just laughed off rather than her saying she would speak to him to make it clear that's not really on xx


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## wishingonastar

hmm...i hate to say this but that does not sound like normal behaviour for a child his age...but then i guess thats not to say its unheard of... :shrug:

i know kids often 'show' each other their bits but its the fact she says he touched her too. 

Sexualised behaviour can be totally innocent as a one off, but it can also be more sinister. I think if you're sure all is ok in general with him at home, then the best action you can take is simply to make sure your children are not left alone with him in case he does it again out of curiosity and it impacts on your daughter

i'm sure you have already but make sure she is aware that was not the right thing for him to do :hugs:


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## Seity

Sounds like normal, innocent childhood curiosity to me.


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## midori1999

I think the most likely cause of the 'incident' is natural, curious childhood behaviour. I seriously doubt your daughter will be scarred by it for life. Children don't yet know about sexual behaviour, so neither your daughter or nephew will view the touching as anything sexual and unless they are taught otherwise, why should they think it is any different to touching another child's arm or back, for example? It is only us adults who see innapropriate behaviour children just don't.

The other possibility is that your nephew is being sexually abused and has learnt the 'touching' behaviour from that. Children that are abused do show sexual behaviour at an age where they shouldn't really know what it is. You know your sister and her husband best though and from what you have described I think the first answer is much, much more likely. 

I think the best way to deal with it is for your sister to explain to her son that it's natural to be interested in other people's bodies, but it's not OK to touch other children's private parts. If you went in all guns blazing telling her you and your husband hadn't slept, thought your daughter would be scarred fo rlife etc, she probably laughed it off out of awkwardness tbh.


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## Blah11

He's 5 and thats not old enough to have any sort of sexual feelings what so ever. Your daughter will forget if she's not already. I appreciate it's not that nice a thought but I don't think it's worth worrying about, they're only very small.


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## Blah11

Also, I'm pretty sure there was an incident like this when I was very young to with the 2 children who lived next door in their shed :shrug: I remember playing doctors and you can guess the rest. It was innocent and I can only vaguely remember and I'm defo not scarred for life! I'm sure it's happened to a lot of people as children.


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## Szaffi

I think it's pretty normal. I remember playing these sort of games with other kids in the 4-7 years period. I think it's important you don't over-dramatize it. It's ok to teach your daughter about the non-appropriateness of letting other people touch her in her private parts, but 'demonizing' the whole issue could create more problems.

I think it's important to be open and explain kids about these things at an early stage, trying to keep the info on 'their level'. I remember my parents first explain 'sex' to me when my mum was pregnant with my little brother (I was 4 at the time). They bought an illustrated books made for children, but with fairly accurate scientific info (and not too explicit illustration about the sex part), and I've never felt threatened or scarred by it. That type of openness demystified the whole issue.


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## special_kala

Blah11 said:


> Also, I'm pretty sure there was an incident like this when I was very young to with the 2 children who lived next door in their shed :shrug: I remember playing doctors and you can guess the rest. It was innocent and I can only vaguely remember and I'm defo not scarred for life! I'm sure it's happened to a lot of people as children.

I have a vague memory of something similar.

Its a hard situation as you say you know your daughter wouldnt make it up but im sure your sister knows that her son wouldnt do it if that makes any sense?

Its more then likely your nephew saw something similar on TV and didnt even realise it wasnt ok to do.

Sometimes sexual behavior like that can be a sign of something sinister going on in his life. Its unlikely your daughter will even remember it but i would keep a eye on your nephews behavior incase there is something dodgy going on.


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## amie-leigh

:hugs: it sounds like childhood curiosity but maybe explain to your nephew and daughter that its not a nice way to play


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## nikkip75

I remember years ago catching my daughter who was about 5 at the time and my cousins son who was 4 getting up to something once! 

They were playing in her bedroom and I found my daughter lying on the bed and my little cousin kissing her on the mouth (mouth closed with a pout but he was moving his head side to side iykwim) I asked what was going on and the 2 of them near jumped out of their skin! They looked so suspicious! They said they where playing sleeping beauty. :shrug: what could I say to that????

I also remember playing a game in infant school called catch the boys kiss the boys. We would catch them take them round the back of the mobile class room and give them a kiss!! 

I would put it down to curiosity but ask your sister to explain the boundaries where things like this are concerned.


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## sparkle_1979

I know its not nice hun but agree with the other that it probably is just a child curiosity thing. Im sure she will have forgot in a day or two x


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## sparkle_1979

also I'd be telling her that her body is hers and that she must not let anyone touch it obviously without making her think she did a bad thing but that coming to you and telling you was very good x


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## minkie

Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?


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## smelly07

I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....

quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'

playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x


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## Becyboo__x

I agree with the smelly07..

i understand where others are coming from but if that happened to my child i wouldnt be happy about it at all.. even being a family member :huh: maybe he didnt mean anything by it and hes just a kid but what if another kid does this at school to her if anyone does it she just needs to know to go tell someone or tell them not to do it .. playing is like when kiddies hold hands or chase each other or the silly things they do not pulling someones trousers down id be mortified! i know my boy will never do this to anyone but i know little boys like to run around naked with there bits out iv never heard of a kid to do what you said though :huh:


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## Szaffi

minkie said:


> Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?

I think your sister did the right thing and hope that you've explained to your daughter everything she wanted to know. I think it's best to drop it for now and maybe keep an eye out if he tries to do something similar again.


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## AppleBlossom

It's not nice to think that happened to your LO but I agree it was probably just childish innocence. However I would speak to your sister about it


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## midori1999

smelly07 said:


> I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....
> 
> quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'
> 
> playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x

It isn't sexual behaviour though. It is coming from a young child who has no idea about sex or sexual behaviour and isn't old enough to find girls sexually attractive yet, let alone their 'bits'. 

Just like boys get erections and they aren't having sexual thoughts or like boys maturbate simply because it feels nice, none of it is sexual and saying it is in just putting our own feelings and inhibitions on innocent children.

Of course, they need to learn it's not appropriate, but until someone tells them that, how are they supposed to know?


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## midori1999

minkie said:


> Ty for all your responses/stories/advice etc ladies, please keep them coming it is comforting to hear other stories and words of wisdom on the topic. I spoke with my sister she talked to her son and she said he was very embarrassed and she had him tell her what happened and he basically said the same thing my daughter did but he couldn't explain why he did it, he said he just thought of it, and she asked if he was curious? and he said yes. So she had a long talk with him about the whole privacy issue and all. She was thinking he might have felt more comfortable doing that to her because he knows her well as opposed to doing that to some kid he doesn't know if that makes sense? In any event she said she could have him call scarlett and apologize but I don't think that is the best thing to do, that will just put more attention on it and make it a bigger deal, so I said no lets just drop it in front of them. What do you guys think?


I think you've both dealt with it very well. I think it;s right to drop it, but maybe just make sure your daughter knows no one should touch her private parts?


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## smelly07

midori1999 said:


> smelly07 said:
> 
> 
> I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....
> 
> quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'
> 
> playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x
> 
> It isn't sexual behaviour though. It is coming from a young child who has no idea about sex or sexual behaviour and isn't old enough to find girls sexually attractive yet, let alone their 'bits'.
> 
> Just like boys get erections and they aren't having sexual thoughts or like boys maturbate simply because it feels nice, none of it is sexual and saying it is in just putting our own feelings and inhibitions on innocent children.
> 
> Of course, they need to learn it's not appropriate, but until someone tells them that, how are they supposed to know?Click to expand...

Yes exactly a child has no idea about sexual behaviour so i think its wrong to say this is child innoccence, he may have witnessed this going on either seen his parents do it or seen it on TV or god forbid someone is doing it to him.....Kids dont just pluck doing this sort of things to other children out of thin air. 

Children exploring their own bodies is normal but sorry have to disagree with the above being normal. x


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## Bumpontherun

smelly07 said:


> midori1999 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> smelly07 said:
> 
> 
> I'm sorry, i do not find this normal behaviour for a 5 year old.....
> 
> quote: 'he was in the bathroom and had his pants down and then pulled down her pants and underwear and "rubbed" her butt and touched her private parts'
> 
> playing kiss chase is one thing but bloody hell....you have to be very careful when distingushing between age appropriate and age inappropriate sexual behaviour and the above to me at that age is inappropriate......if that happened to my daughter i wouldnt be a happy bunny x
> 
> It isn't sexual behaviour though. It is coming from a young child who has no idea about sex or sexual behaviour and isn't old enough to find girls sexually attractive yet, let alone their 'bits'.
> 
> Just like boys get erections and they aren't having sexual thoughts or like boys maturbate simply because it feels nice, none of it is sexual and saying it is in just putting our own feelings and inhibitions on innocent children.
> 
> Of course, they need to learn it's not appropriate, but until someone tells them that, how are they supposed to know?Click to expand...
> 
> Yes exactly a child has no idea about sexual behaviour so i think its wrong to say this is child innoccence, he may have witnessed this going on either seen his parents do it or seen it on TV or god forbid someone is doing it to him.....Kids dont just pluck doing this sort of things to other children out of thin air.
> 
> Children exploring their own bodies is normal but sorry have to disagree with the above being normal. xClick to expand...

Whilst I agree that this could be sexualised behaviour I don't think it sounds like it is in this context. We wouldn't think it unusual if he had been rubbing her arm - he doesn't see her butt as anything different- he hasn't learnt the boundries of society yet. Maybe he has seen somebody do this on TV or parents do it or maybe it was just an interesting body part that he wasn't used to seeing. 

I think you and your sister have handled it fine. I agree with letting it go now. You don't want to turn it into some sort of taboo exciting thing. It sounds like both kids now know it's not an o.k. thing to do and hopefully that will be the end of it. Me and my sister used to get into all sorts of poking and proddings with our one male friend around the 4-5-6 age, it was completely innocent, I have never been abused and had no idea what sex was at that age.


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## v2007

It does sound liek childhood curiosity to me but i think i would tell his Mum. 

V xxx


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## Duffy

I think five is old enough to know better and I wouldn't let your child be alone with her cousin? with out supervision. That what I would do if I was in that situation, sorry this happend to your child it can be very disturbing I imagine. 

It does sound like your sister is emberessed over it perhaps she can sit her son down and talk to him about it/not touching others there.


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## Shri

Szaffi said:


> I think it's pretty normal. I remember playing these sort of games with other kids in the 4-7 years period. I think it's important you don't over-dramatize it. It's ok to teach your daughter about the non-appropriateness of letting other people touch her in her private parts, but 'demonizing' the whole issue could create more problems.
> 
> I think it's important to be open and explain kids about these things at an early stage, trying to keep the info on 'their level'. I remember my parents first explain 'sex' to me when my mum was pregnant with my little brother (I was 4 at the time). They bought an illustrated books made for children, but with fairly accurate scientific info (and not too explicit illustration about the sex part), and I've never felt threatened or scarred by it. That type of openness demystified the whole issue.

I agree with this. It's normal, and kids that age CAN have sexual feelings. I remember having them from my childhood and what troubled me as I grew up was that it was so 'taboo'...I would always explain, make light of it, and teach appropriate boundaries. But I would also be more careful to keep an eye on where the kids are when they are playing and be quick to intercept anything they might not fully understand. It's just keeping healthy vigilance and perspective and lots of reassuring communication.


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## kiwimama

I'd be horrified if this happened to my little girl. Now is the time to bring up the importance of her body being hers. That no one is allowed to touch her private parts except herself (and mummy and daddy because they sometimes need to make sure they are clean etc.) That if anyone is ever touching her in a way that makes her upset or uncomfortable that she needs to shout "Don't touch me!" then run to an adult that she trusts. 

This behaviour from a 5 year old might not be sexual, it is probably something that he has seen on tv, from his parents or maybe it has happened to him (I really hope not) but no matter what, I still would deem it inappropriate and wouldn't want it happening to my kids.


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## minkie

i have been thinking about this a lot as you can well imagine and discussed it with my mother who was mortified that this happened of course and we were trying to figure out what would make him do this. He has two older sisters so female parts are definitely not new to him...but they also haven't really inflicted upon him the fact that his parts are "private" as him and his sisters think it is hilarious when he runs around naked showing his bits so I'm guessing he just really didn't have a strong grasp exactly as to what the privacy boundries are and what is ok and whats not which would explain him having his pants down but i'm still boggled as to why he would pull hers down and then the whole touching thing seems a bit over the top? I mean he's taken baths with his sisters so he knows what her parts are going to look like...and then to want to touch them though? I dunno I really hope it was just something random and that now that she has spoken with him he understands that is not OK, its just the touching part that has me and the fact she wasnt the one to expose herself and say hey look at me...it was all him. i dunno, still sick at my stomach about it but thank you all for keeping up the discussion and keep them coming please. Also now we are just really worried how this will impact her and how many people she will tell about it like will she tell her teachers tomorrow at school? she told my 11 year old about it today at breakfast so i'm wondering whats going to happen tomorrow.


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## NuKe

i agree with the others who said its childhood curiosity. a friend of mne told me his son was at a party a few months back (aged 5 also) and they couldnt find him and another little girl, they eventually found them in the bathroom, his son had got the little girl to take ALL her clothes off and was just standing looking inquisitively at her! :dohh: i think they are just exploring, it must be so strange to find out that the opposite sex has a completely different makeup in the pants region. i would be fuming if my sister didnt believe me tho!!


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## Buffy71

Sounds normal - just not very nice to think about. Your daughter will only be bothered if it's made an issue. Let it pass, but I'd explain (and have your sister do the same) that anything covered by your panties is not for anyone else to see or touch. It's private and she doesn't have to let anyone else see it and she should tell you if anyone does so that you can tell them not to. 

That's how I'm going to deal with the privacy issue with H anyway.


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## fairy1984

i agree with all that was said above really. i do remember something happeneing to me similiar as a child but i'm not disturbed by it nor have i ever been.

I think it is important to teach her that people shouldnt look and touch anything in your pants as Buffy says but also to not make too much of a big deal out of what happened in front of your daughter as this will only compound the issue.

i would say its not sexualised and its normal but i do understand its not nice for you to think of


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## ShanandBoc

I just think the nephew needs to be spoken to and your DD told that her parts are private and leave it at that. x


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## Zedfaca

If it helps, I remember one summer when I was about seven, I was playing on the park with a female friend of mine who was about six. We met a five year old boy there and we were all playing on the swings. It was a really hot day and he took his top off. So me and my friend somehow got it into our heads that it would be hilarious to pull off all his clothes. He wasn't too bothered but his mum came out of his house screeching at us. Well of course she did- her son was naked and there were two girls holding his clothes and nearly falling over with laughter. I can see now that she would've been horrified but we just didn't get it. It was no different to us that if we'd say, put a silly hat on him. I remember us girls going to sit on a tree stump and trying to figure out why she was so upset. Children really don't understand these things at all.


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## amandad192

You have a baby girl...I'm thinking there MIGHT be a link.
I know you say he's bathed with his sisters, but maybe he's just noticed the difference. Or from watching you change nappies, maybe he's just figured out boys and girls wee differently.
The fact he was in the bathroom with his trousers down makes me think he might have just been for a wee. And when she walked in he might have thought he could look and compare. Children look with their hands! 
I honestly think it's a "wow thats different" situation. Completely innocent.

I remember when I was younger...I was old enough to understand private parts are private. We were visiting family. My 2nd cousin (or something like that) was about 4/5/6yrs old. He got his thing out telling me "It's sore, look." I looked away from him but he kept telling me to look. He had no idea that it was something I shouldn't see.

I wouldn't worry, your daughter and nephew will be fine. x


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## hopeandpray

As long as you let her know that she doesn't have to let anyone show/touch if she doesn't work then I'm sure she'll be fine :hugs:


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## minkie

amandad192 said:


> .
> The fact he was in the bathroom with his trousers down makes me think he might have just been for a wee. And when she walked in he might have thought he could look and compare. x

You are right about that, apparently he was using the bathroom or just got done and she walked in/by or something like that and that is when it happened. Then after he proceeded to leave his pants off and run around the upstairs because his sisters think its funny. Also I might add his sisters are dancers and he has to tag along and spend roughly 3 to 4 hours a day at the dance studio so he see's all these girls in barely nothing, and he thinks its ok to run around naked so he probably just hasn't really been taught much modestly I'm guessing, and hoping! Maybe he just hadn't really thought that anything was supposed to be private since they let him run around naked and all and he didn't know it wasn't ok to be looking at anyone else naked or touching. I dunno I try to rationalize this all the time now! Thank you ladies for your stories I appreciate them! It does help! :hugs:


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## meek

Becyboo__x said:


> I agree with the smelly07..
> 
> i understand where others are coming from but if that happened to my child i wouldnt be happy about it at all.. even being a family member :huh: maybe he didnt mean anything by it and hes just a kid but what if another kid does this at school to her if anyone does it she just needs to know to go tell someone or tell them not to do it .. playing is like when kiddies hold hands or chase each other or the silly things they do not pulling someones trousers down id be mortified! i know my boy will never do this to anyone but i know little boys like to run around naked with there bits out iv never heard of a kid to do what you said though :huh:

This is something to be taken serious, it can really go deeper than you think. here I am faced with a situation where my daughter is 11 and she emailed me to tell me that she was fondled by my nephew when she was 4 while he was on holiday with us. Now this was 7 years ago and she has been wrestling with this issue ever since, said she just got to get it out and want to continue to have our close bond but I am not to approach her I am to email her back. She freely speaks to me on every topic but she said Mom, i had to email you this one. I'm really not even sure how to approach this situation now. He is was 6 back then and he is now 13. So depending on how sensitive the child is it is important to deal with the situation properly once you are made aware of the situation.


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## My_First

What if it had been two little girls? I distinctly remember around the same age acting drs and nurses and prodding another girls bits with a ruler( not in I hasten to add) and vice versa. Kids innocent curiosity. Seems like you handled it perfectly.


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## RileysMummy

Why has this thread been resurrected? It's over a year old ffs!


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## suzib76

:dohh: old thread dragged up by a one time poster :dohh:


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## Cinnamon Girl

I didn't read all the replies but wanted to add my 2 cents

A friend of mines daughter was sexually assaulted by her best friend over a period of weeks they were also 4 and 5 the girl would rubbed her and penertrate her with her fingers at school in the toilet

Her daughter would complain of vaginal pain and they thought she had thrush till one night she told them as only a 4 year old could

They took her for play therapy to help her deal with the experience 

Ends up the friend was being sexually molested by an uncle and the family didn't know it my friend confronted the parents and took their kid for therapy

Might not be this

But thought I would just say


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## Vickie

Thread closed as it's over a year old :flower:


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