# struggling to decide what to do with babies ashes - help!!!



## parky

hi everyone
some of you may have read my post a few weeks ago after we lost our baby at 17 weeks after an amnio. thanks again to all of you who posted such sweet messages - you are all so lovely! 
today i have been having a massive meltdown as i know that at some point in the next 2 weeks we will get a phone call from the hospital to say that the baby is back from post mortem and we will have to decide what to do. We have decided we would like to have the baby cremated but the crematorium used by the hospital cant produce ashes from a baby under 22 weeks so we would not get any ashes to take away. the lady at the hospital told me that there is a crematorium locally that can produce ashes from smaller babies but we would have to go through a funeral director to organise this. we really are having a hard time deciding what to do and keep changing our mind. we dont feel that we want to have a service or anything (we are not really religious in any way) and initially thought we would like to scatter the ashes somewhere special to us but as the weeks pass i am worried that getting the ashes in 3-4 weeks time will start the grieving all over again. also i have a hard time thinking about going to a funeral directors and facing all of that ( although my hubby is happy to go alone) having said that i dont want to regret just letting the hospital cremate the baby and not having any ashes. 
what did everyone else decide to do with their angels? (if people dont mind sharing) if you had a cremation, what did you decide to do with the ashes. I really feel like we dont understand this process and tonight i am having a hard time accepting that we even have to think/discuss what we should do with our son/daughter. no-one should have to go through this - its too painful!


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## Nikki_d72

Hi there, again I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie.

We had our boys cremated together by a private funeral director, it was the only option other than letting the hospital dispose of them or burial, again by private FD. I am in NZ though so may be a bit different where you are.

The lady from the Funeral director's came to see us at the house, if you give one a call they will proably do the same. They only charged us for the casket and the crematorium fee which all together only came to about $140 (equivalent to about £70). The casket was a lovely wee white one (though no-one should have to see such a tiny thing) and they put their names on the front in blue letters for us with 2 stars, they did a great job.

We didn't have a service either as such, they just let us use one of their wee rooms for a while, to spend some time. They gave us a stereo to play the music we'd picked out and put on our Ipod and gave us two blue helium ballons to release when we'd carried them to the car to go the creamtorium. Family and a couple of close friends came with us. 

The humanist society can do non-religious ceremonies too if you want a more formal funeral without the religion, maybe you could have a look in your local phone book for the local member or celebrant? We got married using a celebrant and it was great - we had all the bits we wanted but with no religious bits.

Funerals or some kind of "moment" can help you grieve, to give you some sort of closure but I know we are all different. It was the hardest thing ever to let them go off in the back of that car but for me it felt so wrong walking away from that hospital without them even for those couple of days before our wee gathering, I knew if that was it forever without anything to mark thier short existence it would gut me. I was at a spiritualist recently who told me funerals have no meaning to spirit but are for us, to help us - I don't know if you believe any of that but I thought I'd pass that on, so you may get comfort from knowing your wee angel won't mind whatever you do, it's for you and your family to decide what's best for you.

You do what YOU feel is right, I know it's so hard to face at the time but for me it helped afterwards, I think it's human nature to follow rituals for these kind of things, it helps us heal. It can also help others to realise that your loss is real, so that moving forward they treat you accordingly. Back in the bad old days the babies were just taken away and the mothers weren't allowed to speak of it again - there have been some awful sad stories of old ladies still wondering what happened to their angels. So I would say pick whatever kind of ritual or occasion you feel is right for you and do that.

We still haven't decided where or when to scatter Ethan and Hayden's ashes though, they are still in a little box in our room. We need to sort it out soon as for me part of the reason to cremate them was to set them free, I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

Sorry I ended up rambling on there, but I hope that helped give you a couple of ideas. it is such a hard decision to make, and like you said, something none of us should ever have to consider. I wish you gentle days xxx


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## kiki04

Our hospital did the cremation for us, and they have a crypt where they put all babies ashes. It is a special plot for the hospital and they arrange the funeral service twice a year for all grieving parents. Once the service is over, we all went over to the crypt and they poured the ashes in there. My baby is RIP with many other babies who sadly couldnt make it to this earth as well. We both felt better letting the hospital make all the arrangements because we couldnt do it.


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## jennijunni

We burried out son with a weeping cherry tree. So he will help the tree go, and be part of the circle of life. And we can see and look at the tree everyday. Hugs.


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## Hellylou

This is something I look back on and think I should have done differently. I let the hospital cremate our baby with the other babies at the crematorium at our local cemetary. They offered us a private service but we declined, as we are not religious, were in total shock, had no idea what to do for the best, and at that point I was in total denial that I had actually lost a baby. So we have no ashes. We have lit candles on special days, and will commemorate his birthday when it comes.

That said, I plan to plant a magnolia tree for him in the garden when we move house. I can't do it at this house because we are moving in the next few months and I wouldn't want to have to leave it behind. They are my favourite trees, and I love the flowers in the spring.


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## Mellybelle

When i lost my little boy i just left him with the hospital. I didnt ask what they would do with him as I thought they might find me weird or strange. I later found out that the local crematorium cremates all the lost babies together and scatter the ashes in their rose garden. When i lost my little girl I asked many questions and went to a funeral director. They were so lovely and helped me to organise a service. They only charged me for the cremation itself. It really was beautiful. I have her ashes in a lovely little silver box. They werent sure if there would be any ashes, but there were. Probably not a lot. In a way the service was for my little boy too. I had my family there for the service. I needed them to understand that this was my little girl, not just a miscarriage.


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## OliveBay

We were offered lots of options. I don't know where abouts in the world you are and I think everyone on here has had different experiences and choices, but I'll tell you what we were told in case it helps at all. 

We could have had our baby buried or cremated, on his own or together with other babies. The individual services take place at the crematorium or graveyard and we could choose to go along or not, whereas the group services are attended only by the hospital chaplain and they then hold a service in the chaplaincy in the hospital once a month for parents to go to.

The decision we made was to have our little boy cremated individually. The hospital arranged and paid for the casket, which was the saddest, smallest little thing. My husband was asked if he wanted to carry the casket in, which he did and it was the most tender, touching gesture. If we wanted flowers we would have needed to arrange and pay for these ourself but we didn't want any. We went along to the crematorium, just my husband and I and the hospital chaplain who we met just before I had the baby. We didn't want any other family or friends at the service, we just couldn't handle it. We are not religious so we just chose a couple of non-religious readings ('Little snowdrop' and 'too soon') which the chaplain read. We could have chosen our own music but we didn't know what we wanted, so the chaplain just put on some calm classical music. The service was very short, just 10 minutes. We didn't get any ashes, as like you we were told there wouldn't be any from a baby so young. To be honest i was actually relieved at not getting any ashes - I don't have a clue what I would have done with them, so its nice not having to make that decision.

I don't know if that helps at all, but please do ask more questions if have have any. Please remember that everyone makes different decisions about this and you just have to try and find what feels right for you. This is something no parent ever expects to have to do, I believe it is truly one of the hardest things I will ever experience. But as awful as it was, when it came to it, the process of saying goodbye to our little boy was so important in the grieving process. Wishing you lots of love and support at this difficult time :hugs:


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## Krippy

The City where I live takes care of all expenses and we chose to have him cremated. I wasn't comfortable scattering his ashes because I felt like I never wanted to leave him alone by himself anywhere so I purchased a memory urn with his name and birthdate on it and put half of his ashes there and the other half I put inside a stuffed teddy bear. We have a store here called Build a Bear where you choose the type of stuffed animal you want and stuff it yourself with stuffing and its own little heart. You can also choose an outfit for it as well. I feel this way that wherever we are our little man can always come with us. We travelled for Christmas and we brought everything with us. I was so comforted by the thought of having him with us and not leaving him alone.


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## blav

We got him cremated individually because we wanted to keep him with us. The hospital did offer a service where, once a month they bury all of the angel babies, but at the time I thought that was kind of weird and didn't want him buried with other babies.

OH decided he wanted an "urn" that looked like something you would find in a baby's room (which left me going ?????). My mom found an idea online, which we used. We went to Build-A-Bear and made a bear for our angel and then put the ashes inside. It's something tangible we can look at and squeeze when we're feeling sad. We will also put it in our rainbow's room (when we finally have one! Fingers crossed for this month!) so that our angel can "look after" his new brother or sister.


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