# feeling lonely and scared :(



## jojo23

hey girls... just need a little rant i think! hormones are getting the better of me!!!!

im an emotional wreck here. i keep thinking i should be the happiest person on earth but i cant relax at all. im 18 weeks now and everything is worrying me, so much that im not even enjoying it! i feel so bad because i know alot of you ladies would give your right arms to have your rainbow babies now! i just cant shake the feeling something is wrong.....
i still havent felt proper movement or kicks.
my bump isnt very hard
im not eating loads and loads just a little more than usual.
when i mention anything to my doctor they just tell me to relax and take a few deep breaths and that whatever the outcome i cant control it anyway. i know this and i know i have to relax and have faith.
i still have 4 weeks to go to my 20 week scan, so ill actually be 22 weeks...its the same as i was when i lost Lily and the scan is on her anniversarie. im freaking out!!!!i called and asked if they could fit me in earlier but they cant!

my friends are great but ive been feeling more and more distant from them. they love going out having drinks and even though i go i end up alone because they're all at the bar doing shots or out dancing which i would love to be able for but im just too uncomfortable. ive asked them for cinema nights and girls nights in but they dont seem interested. i cant really talk with them about things either i mean they dont understand and its hard for them to advise!

my OH is away this weekend so im prob extra sensitive :(

im sorry girls just having a bad day and your the only ones who understand. i wish i lived closer to some of you!! hope everyone is well xxxx:hugs:


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## daopdesign

I'm sure within the next 5 months we will be at home holding our rainbows :) I know exactly how you feel and I have to stop myself from going on one coz it really makes me unhappy. Of course it's only natural for us to worry so much! 

The way to look at it this: really, how cruel can mother nature be? Did you get a reason for your loss? We didn't so the likelyhood of it happening again are very slim. Keep ya chin up babes! xxx


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## jojo23

thanks hun..i look like a crazy person atm sitting in bed talking some sense into myself! your right mother nature couldnt be that cruel lol!!
hope your feeling ok hun and thanks for the reply. i couldnt do this without you ladies!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

JO, you will be ok i promise. I can't say I know how you feel, but I do know I am going to feel the same if I ever get my BFP. You are not alone and I wish I could run next door and be with you, but I am here in New York. Trust me if I was your neighbor you would be laughing and saying Andrea your a little COO COO :happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:

Friends will never understand your pain or fear they can sympathize but never understand. Only people that have went through this truly know how you feel.
Try to relax, i just know everything will be ok .One day when i get my BFP you will probably be posting to me and trying to ease my mind :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Just know i am here anytime, try to take a deep breath and think good thoughts, I promise you will be ok..
XOXOXO Love you XOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## due3may12

maybe its faith that your scan is on lily's anniversary. she will be minding her new bro/sis and making sure they are ok and that you can relax and be happy! 

hope all goes well but try not to stress to much as that isnt good either! 
pls keep us updated! 
love Karen!
xxxxx


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## OliveBay

Aw jojo, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe your little one will give you a nice little flutter soon to put your mind at ease. Is there no way you can convince your midwife to try listening for the heartbeat just to put your mind at rest until your scan? I know in my area they don't tend to even attempt finding the heartbeat until after 20 weeks as it can be really hard to find consistently before that and they don't want to worry people if they can't find it. But surely they must understand how it feels for angel-mums when they are carrying their rainbow and would be willing to bend the rules a little just to keep us from getting too anxious. Or you could just keep ringing up to see if there are any scan cancellation appointments. If you ring often enough they might cave under the pressure and offer you something just to stop bothering them!

Take it easy and try not to worry too much. I recommend a pyjama day, some good romantic comedies on dvd and a tub of icecream. Wish I could pop round and give you a hug too :hugs:


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## jojo23

OliveBay said:


> Aw jojo, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Maybe your little one will give you a nice little flutter soon to put your mind at ease. Is there no way you can convince your midwife to try listening for the heartbeat just to put your mind at rest until your scan? I know in my area they don't tend to even attempt finding the heartbeat until after 20 weeks as it can be really hard to find consistently before that and they don't want to worry people if they can't find it. But surely they must understand how it feels for angel-mums when they are carrying their rainbow and would be willing to bend the rules a little just to keep us from getting too anxious. Or you could just keep ringing up to see if there are any scan cancellation appointments. If you ring often enough they might cave under the pressure and offer you something just to stop bothering them!
> 
> Take it easy and try not to worry too much. I recommend a pyjama day, some good romantic comedies on dvd and a tub of icecream. Wish I could pop round and give you a hug too :hugs:

LOL thanks hun im heading out for dinner with my best friend tonight so im gonna get nice and dolled up and feel good! i have given them my number so she said if there is a cancellation she'll call me straight away. midwife just said the same about not listening on the doppler until after 20 weeks i guess she doesnt want to give me a fright just in case!!! but i am starting to feel better i think i just had a wobbly lol thanks so much xxxxxx


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## yazoo

Aww hun, i'm sorry your feeling this way. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. I think it's fate that your scan is on Lily's bday. She will be looking after her little brother or sister. Have you asked your gp to use the Doppler on you? My gp checked for jakob's at 15 weeks and got it no problem but they usually don't do it before 16 weeks. 
It's a Shame your friends aren't interested in doing other things with you- it would be good for you & I can imagine that being stuck in a pub watching drunk people is the last thing you want to be doing. 
I hope you feel better soon. I'm here for you if you need me. Xxx


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## jojo23

thanks Tanya!! i think its the loneliness thats making me feel like this cause if i was doing things i wouldnt have time to sit around thinking something is wrong and making google my best friend!! i love having you all here and your the best support ever but i think sometimes i just need a lil cuddle lol at 25 im such a baby!!!

i have asked the doctor but they're being a little funny about it all they dont want to check and i dont want to push too much. i think they reckon im just being a little funny.

i think ill just have faith that Lily is gonna watch over this lil one and help me along.... i never felt kicks or movement with Lily as there was obviously a problem and also i had an anterior placenta so it cushioned things anyway! i just wish i was being kicked asunder lol! at least then i would know everything is ok. im definitely just having a bad day hun but thanks so much for your amazing support. xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## jojo23

Andypanda6570 said:


> JO, you will be ok i promise. I can't say I know how you feel, but I do know I am going to feel the same if I ever get my BFP. You are not alone and I wish I could run next door and be with you, but I am here in New York. Trust me if I was your neighbor you would be laughing and saying Andrea your a little COO COO :happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:
> 
> Friends will never understand your pain or fear they can sympathize but never understand. Only people that have went through this truly know how you feel.
> Try to relax, i just know everything will be ok .One day when i get my BFP you will probably be posting to me and trying to ease my mind :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Just know i am here anytime, try to take a deep breath and think good thoughts, I promise you will be ok..
> XOXOXO Love you XOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

LOL thanks andrea love you too hun!!!! these hormones have me gone crazy! im so grateful for all your support xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

jojo23 said:


> Andypanda6570 said:
> 
> 
> JO, you will be ok i promise. I can't say I know how you feel, but I do know I am going to feel the same if I ever get my BFP. You are not alone and I wish I could run next door and be with you, but I am here in New York. Trust me if I was your neighbor you would be laughing and saying Andrea your a little COO COO :happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:
> 
> Friends will never understand your pain or fear they can sympathize but never understand. Only people that have went through this truly know how you feel.
> Try to relax, i just know everything will be ok .One day when i get my BFP you will probably be posting to me and trying to ease my mind :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Just know i am here anytime, try to take a deep breath and think good thoughts, I promise you will be ok..
> XOXOXO Love you XOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> LOL thanks andrea love you too hun!!!! these hormones have me gone crazy! im so grateful for all your support xxxxxxxxxxxClick to expand...

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Always here for you..XOXO


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## jojo23

awe girls i just cant pull myself out of this little dip at all.. ive spent all night crying my eyes out with worry! im so convinced something isnt right, feel like such a fool. i cant ring the doc until tomorrow to make an appointment but i know they are gonna just say the same thing to me that im worrying for nothing! surely id be feeling LO move areound by now and have a harder bump! 

i just need someone to shake sense into me!! please say a lil prayer that everything is ok and im just being a crazy woman xxxxxxxxxx


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## Andypanda6570

jojo23 said:


> awe girls i just cant pull myself out of this little dip at all.. ive spent all night crying my eyes out with worry! im so convinced something isnt right, feel like such a fool. i cant ring the doc until tomorrow to make an appointment but i know they are gonna just say the same thing to me that im worrying for nothing! surely id be feeling LO move areound by now and have a harder bump!
> 
> i just need someone to shake sense into me!! please say a lil prayer that everything is ok and im just being a crazy woman xxxxxxxxxx

You are not crazy, Jo. So much has happened and your mind ( Brain ) is protecting you from trauma. It is perfectly normal , believe me. We are all born with this. The brain has certain mechanisms to cope with trauma and fright and happiness. It will be ok I know it will and I know me saying this isn't going to ease your mind, cause I know I would feel the same as you. Just call the doc tomorrow and tell him your concerns and that you want to make sure things are ok, tell him what you are feeling and not feeling and see what they say.

When I lost Ava at 20 weeks I did not feel movement either, every woman is different, Jo. Some women feel movement at 16 weeks some later, so don't panic. Ava was alive at 19 weeks her heartbeat was 174 and I didn't feel movement, that didn't mean there was something wrong. My third son I didn't feel movement till 24 weeks and he was totally normal.
Try to relax and keep calm and I will be thinking of you and praying. 
Everything will be ok.. OXOXOXO Love you girly//XOOX
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## mhazzab

I'm so sorry you are feeling so blue right now. It's so hard isn't it? I'm a week behind you i think, and if it makes you feel better my belly isn't hard either and I have put on almost no weight, although I do have a bump (not quite sure how that works!!)
I had an anterior placenta last time so didn't feel much movement maybe if you had it last time you might have it again? 
Have you thought about getting your own Doppler, for peace of mind? I know they are not for everyone, but I think we need reassurance sometimes. My midwife doesn't advise them as they can freak you out if you can't find heartbeat but I've never failed to find it within a minute. I'd been feeling a lot of movement this week then hardly anything the last couple of days and had a freak out yesterday too.
Unfortunately I think we have to accept that the next few months will be so hard and scary but we will get each other through it. 
Oh I sent you a FB request by the way not sure if you have your sorted yet.
Always here for you whenever you want to talk or scream or cry. Xxx


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## jojo23

thanks girls xxxxx


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## jojo23

GIRLS!!!! i think i just felt kicks.... i was sitting down and all of a sudden felt these 3 or 4 little thuds to my left side just near my belly button. then it stopped for a minute and then i felt it again... it made me go oooh whats that!? ive never felt anything like it before and its the same area ive been thinking i feel something the rare time i do... what do you reckon??? xxxxxx


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## mhazzab

OMG wowee!!! that sounds like baby to me...when I first felt them with the twins, I thought, what on earth was that...it took about two weeks of me feeling them more often to realise it really was kicks. If it's a feeling that you have never felt before and is in your stomach I'd say it's little baby saying hi mummy! so happy for you, I think you really needed it this weekend!
xxx


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## jojo23

thanks so much mhairi.. definitely needed reassurance from LO... im so excited cause i know its nothing ive felt before and when it happened i was like ooooh jeez what was that lol! just made my day lol and now im wondering what kind of a looney i am for worrying like this...

love you all so much girls xxxxx 

i got your friend request mhairi just accepted there and wow ur a stunner..had a nosey through your pics lol! xxx


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## mhazzab

I'm just so happy for you! It's a wonderful feeling. Don't be thinking you are a looney I think we have every right to get scared.

Heehee thank for the compliment re the photos was gonna say the same about you! I love putting faces and proper names to everyone I have been speaking to in here!
Xxxx


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## jojo23

yeah same here i feel like i know ye all so much better when i can think of a face lol!! its funny how you picture people and then you see them and its totally different lol...think this forum should get an award for bringing us all together :) xxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## yazoo

Ah Joelene, I was just about to write you a big post about your crying last night and then seen your post about feeling bubs move. 
Woooohoooooooo 
:happydance::happydance::happydance: :dance::dance::dance::dance::yipee::yipee::yipee::yipee::wohoo::wohoo::wohoo::wohoo:

That little one just knew Mammy was struggling and wanted to say hi Mammy I'm ok. :hugs::hugs:

This has made my day. I hate to see you struggling like this. Wish you lived closer so I could give you a big hug. 

Oh and in relation to the baby moving- my cousin is 24 weeks pregnant and it was only last week when she first started feeling movement and even at that it is very very slight. Everyone is different. Now that you have felt movement I can assure you that you will still have freak outs. Like Mhairi said those little ones could be full of activity one day & then nothing the next. It is soo scary but it is normal.


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## jojo23

awe thanks so much hun!!! i was really having a bad weekend now and was so upset but im just so relieved now :) i really needed to feel something so hopefully it continues :) 

awe glad to hear bout your cousin, it think sometimes i read that women are feeling loads by the time they reach 18 weeks and im sitting there then thinkin what the hell is wrong with me lol...google is evil lol!!!!

i really dont know what id do without you girls..i think of you all everyday and thank god i have you for support xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## yazoo

Google really is evil. It has me convinced that I will never have another baby.


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## OliveBay

I agree with you, google is a very dangerous thing. Its scary how much awful information there is out there, especially when you're feeling worried or vulnerable.

jojo, just wanted to say I'm sooooo pleased you've felt some wriggly kicks :happydance:


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## jojo23

thanks so much hun its such a relief to have felt something at last... havent felt anything since but heres hopin lol xxxxxxxx

awe tanya dont believe anything on google at all! xxxxxxxx


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## Hellylou

Great news that you felt little kicks!


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## Andypanda6570

jojo23 said:


> GIRLS!!!! i think i just felt kicks.... i was sitting down and all of a sudden felt these 3 or 4 little thuds to my left side just near my belly button. then it stopped for a minute and then i felt it again... it made me go oooh whats that!? ive never felt anything like it before and its the same area ive been thinking i feel something the rare time i do... what do you reckon??? xxxxxx

:happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:
:happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:
:happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:
I am SOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!
See see see told ya told ya>>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :happydance:
:happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:

I reckon it's the bub>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I am so happy Jo for you, you have no idea...
XOXOXOXOOX :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## jojo23

Thanks Andrea love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Bride2b

Yay Jojo!!!

I havent had chance to read all the way through over the weekend & just read it all. My advice was going to be ask at 20 weeks for them to find HB if your scan isnt until 2 weeks later. I was going to say if you were really worried then just go to the GP or to daycare.
HOWEVER you dont need to, and I am so pleased that your LO has given its mummy all the reassurance you need xxxx How wonderful. Dont forget at this stage movements can be sporadic as baby is still quite small & kicks and punches are not that strong & therefore not that obvious, so dont panic if your not being kicked all the time xxxxx


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## jojo23

thanks hun... i was really having a freak out lol. im just gonna be patient and let little one kick and punch when he/she is good and ready lol xxxx


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