# Our angel is gone 26 weeks



## kerri28

We went in last Monday everything had been fine, but he couldn't find a heart beat. Still no reason has been found yet. I delivered her and we are waiting to bring her home now from the funeral home. I'm in the worst pain physically and emotionally of my life... I can't leave the bed and this is the first day husband had to return to work. I feel so dead inside I just want to scream. I keep a blanket we held her in in my arms 24/7 with the bear we placed beside her. Every little thing has me crying. I wan this dream to end it has to be a dream!!!!! She was fine! The nursery was even done.. Clothes hung.. god I'm so empty.


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## Katie1980

I am so sorry for your loss. I know nothing I say will make any of this easier for you but I just want you to know that everything you are feeling is totally normal and I can't say that time heals all pain but it does get easier, in time you'll find a new sense of normal. I know you're heart is literally breaking but be kind to yourself these upcoming weeks, allow yourself the time to grieve for your baby. Again, I'm so sorry. If you ever need a friend then feel free to call on me. Xxxxx


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## MumToEva

Thinking of you Hun :hugs:


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## Chris77

Oh hunni, I am so so very sorry for your loss. :hugs: :hugs:


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## DebbieF

:hugs: I am so very sorry for your loss..


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## Mrs W 11

I'm so so sorry for your loss :hugs:


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## sequeena

I am so very sorry :hugs:


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## slg76

I can't imagine your heartbreak. I'm so very sorry :hugs:


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## jaan613

*hug hug hug*


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## Angelbaby_01

I am so so so sorry for your loss and wish I could say it's a dream. All I can offer is hugs. Please pm me if you want to talk. I have no experience myself, but I have a big heart that can offer support and love. Xxx


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## Springflower

I'm so sorry. Terribly unfair I know. 

What Katie says is true.

x


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## xxmyheartxx

Im so sorry huni, sending big hugs xxx


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## kerri28

I'm feeling so torn back and forth day today. Some days I want to just "get over it" but it's not something you get over. I told the counselor I get thoughts about the future about maybe we can try again, but when and how will I mentally handle each day filled with worry? All the tests came back showing no medical reason why she left us.. So according to my doctor meetin with the maternal fetal high risk team for consultation is our next step for the future.. Which we meet with in a week. I just want to hear hope... I want assurance though I know nothing is garunteed as Hannah was monitored close and was healthy...


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## pcbs777

I am so sorry...I have lost a little angel myself and it tears u up inside!! I have a little rainbow baby now and she is beautiful...those first weeks r the most difficult..anniversary of baby's death and stuff...everyone is right..what u r feeling is part of the grieving process and its alright to be angry also!! 
Love to u xxxx


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## Izzie74

We are almost at one year since our loss. It has been the hardest time with Mother's Day, due date anniversary etc. am dreading the one year anniversary. No one can understand how you feel. I took comfort in planning the funeral, finding poems and readings etc. we were able to spend 9 hours with Ben and took loads of photos. I turned these into a photo memory book with the funeral poems. I got his hand and footprint turned into a necklace and OH had a special tattoo. You will never forget, and the sadness can hit at the most unexpected times, but I swear it gets easier over time and you will find a way to deal with your loss. I wish you all the best. X


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## nessaw

I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I could say more to help but am thinking of you and your family.x


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## kerri28

Mondays are the worst. I have yet to leAve bed becUse the tears won't stop today. I think it's because it was a Monday that I woke to her not moving anymore. We meet with the high risk fetal maternal group next week to talk about now and the future... I just want hope to ease my pain and worry.


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## hmommy219

I think not having answers has got to be so frustrating.. Were you with a high risk doc before or will this be your first time? I experienced a loss then switched to high risk this time. He's done a lot of blood work on me and I have appointments twice a week.. It's crazy but I'm not complaining! I'm praying for you and sending love...


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## kerri28

hmommy219 said:


> I think not having answers has got to be so frustrating.. Were you with a high risk doc before or will this be your first time? I experienced a loss then switched to high risk this time. He's done a lot of blood work on me and I have appointments twice a week.. It's crazy but I'm not complaining! I'm praying for you and sending love...

Today marks 1 month since we lost Hannah... And I woke with severe ovulation pain! I always had this and helped with ttc so I am trying to look at it as a sign that we will be given a rainbow baby when we do get the go ahead to try. We meet with OB the 16th and then the 17th we meet with the maternal fetal high risk group. The high risk group dealt with all the testing an delivery at the hospital so we are going to determine if they will fully take me on or if it will be a combo of my OB and them. He works with them all the time and part of the Yale team so I trust they will know what is best to do now. I actually really considering saying screw it all let's try now when I woke with the pain but I want the OK medically.


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## hmommy219

I believe in signs too. When I drove to the fertility clinic for the first time after losing my sweet 'Rocky' I actually snapped a photo of this beautiful rainbow in the sky ...it was amazing and filled me with hope. Please let us know how things go on the 16th and 17th! We all want to read your rainbow story because you deserve it!


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## mama2connor

There's nothing anyone says or does will make it any better. Just want to let you know i'm thinking of you and your angel. :hugs:


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## imissmybabyja

I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I dont understand science and nor do I understand fate.

I pasted this in another thread. I went through a second trimester loss as well.

I was 18 weeks pregnant until 04/21. I felt labor contractions the afternoon before. I felt it through the night. Was told it could be stretching pains. At 4:30am, I went to the bathroom and so dark blood in my discharge. I panicked and went to the ER. They checked my baby and we saw it waving. They said all looked ok. That the bleeding was from a polyp in my cervix and it shouldn't affect the baby. They didn't know what caused my pain. Said it could be muscular pain. I went home but called my doc. Told him my pain continued and I would like to see a Maternal Fetal Care specialist. Baby was fine again. The measurements all looked good but they too couldn't figure I was having pain. I asked them if there was a way to check if it were contractions. They said they didn't have the equipment for it. They also thought it was ligament pains. I went home thinking I am so silly. Why couldn't I bear some stretching pains. So I bore and bore until I was in tears. I called the doc again and he said it could be a bladder infection and he was going to prescribe antibiotics. This was at 6pm. Then he asked "are you crying?" I said "yes". He said take a Tylenol and if the pain doesn't subside in an hr go to the ER. I debated taking the Tylenol thinking if it's stretching pains I will bear it. I will do anything for my baby. At 6:15pm my water broke. I knows it was my water and not any clot since it didn't have any blood. My husband said it can't be water. Baby is going to be fine. I called the doc to let him know. And the answering service asked me "what's wrong"... I said "my water [email protected] She said "listen your water doesn't break at 18 weeks"... I got upset and said "pls connect me with my doc he knows my case. She said "don't give me attitude". I went to the ER and I felt I wet my pants again. I asked the doc "did my water break?" He said "let's check" and then said "u r having a miscarriage, the process has begun". I delivered my baby at 7:30. And then they took me in the operating room to remove my placenta. I came to know I had a baby boy. I did a burial for him. I miss him in me. I miss being pregnant. When I saw milk in my breasts it hurt emotionally. Everyone expects me to move on. That it was bad luck/fate. Perhaps it was. But I am not able to move on. I want to be pregnant again but something in my heart tells me this was it. I am 34 years old, will be 35 in a few mths. Perhaps I am not healthy. Perhaps I don't deserve a second chance. Perhaps it was Gods way of letting me know that?


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## sethsmummy

<3


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## meli1981

I am so very sorry for your loss:hugs:


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## DebooD

I am so sorry this happened.
I lost my baby last week at 23w+2d, I was scheduled for hospital admission and total care in just 3 days(in line with the 24 week viability rule).
But I went into labor and ruptured my membranes.
It is the most helpless feeling. It is the darkest place I have ever been. 

Here's what I feel.
I was supposed to protect my baby but I couldn't do anything.
I feel guilty eating food.
I fear being alone
I can't concentrate on anything else, I have so many questions. Why me?
Baby was alive for 4 hours and I had to arrange for the funeral. That day was excruciating, really.
Here's how I am dealing with it.

Why me?
Its not just me. This is happening to more people than I know. ever since my friends know what has happened, I now know that at least 30% of them have had the same thing, some even more than once. But they went on to have healthy pregnancies.
However it hurts, I feel better when I tell myself, I'm not greater than God, I'm not greater than nature, I trust this happened for a reason, however painful it is, I wouldn't want my baby live in any kind of pain.

I feel Guilty
Again I tell myself, I'm only human, I did whatever I could, but I am not God. There have been things all over in my life that I couldn't control.
So why should I punish myself.

I can't eat-
Again I say, I did nothing wrong. I will eat for myself, for my future. I will eat and try to be happy. My family needs me. And I am precious.

My baby's face flashes in front of me-
I say, God give him my all my Love, give him Peace. I try to change my thoughts to something more positive. Like maybe my future, maybe everything will be fine next time. I also move to a sunny place immediately.

I fear being alone-
Currently, I am avoiding being alone for more than a few minutes. I am sharing my thoughts on the internet. This is all helping me get heard. I am heavily relying on my loved ones and my friends. Please get heard.

Here's my plan for the next few weeks-

Get back to my routine
Pray/ Chant/ meditate everyday
Spend time in the sun
Start going for walks with a friend, or join a Yoga class. I have heard Yoga is helpful in depression
Start trying to put things behind me and tell myself I am going to move on
Spend some time with my husband, maybe go out on a date to a noisy place. And I will dress up.
I have put away all my maternity clothes and things that trigger those memories away in a box. I will only look at it all after 1 year
Get tired enough so I get a good night's sleep
Trying to do things that I like, eat food that I like
Taking all my vitamins
I also had breastmilk for a week, that would drive me sad too. I put cold compress and now its out of my sight at least, not leaking anymore.

I can't underestimate this pain, it is tragic.
But I MUST get out of it, anyway I can. For my good and the good of everyone around me.

Please keep expressing yourself.
I'll be right here for you.


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