# Gender Disappointment



## logie68

i feel really bad for writing this. I found out last week i am having another boy and i am gutted to say the least. despite the fact that i have suffered 7 miscarriages after the birth of my son, i still feel really low that i am now successfully 21 weeks pregnant but with another boy. i am panicking about the future - will i reject him? i know i sound really evil and selfish. i just wanted a fairy princess.
has anyone else ever felt like this?


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## LoraLoo

I think deep down everyone has a slight preference, even if they dont admit it, but the important thing is that the baby is healthy, regardless of the sex xxxxx


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## princess_vix

I understand a little how u feel.

people kept telling me its was going to be a girl..and i got it in my head and had it all planned out.
then told it was a little man..thought i was going to cry so i just hurried with the rest of scan.

But i think alot of people don't admit how they feel.
It's not selfish you just take a while to get round the idea.

cos now i'm ecstatic about my little man and glad am not having a girl.

I'm sure it'll be fine hun :D xx


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## taperjeangirl

I think this happens to alot of people, you will be fine as soon as you see him!


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## PrincessSoph

i would have prefered a boy and was a little bit disappointed when i found out it was a girl but as i started buying things for her and doing her nursery i got more and more excited. i love her more than i ever would've imagined already!


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## lepaskilf

because my pg wasn't planned and although OH is happy, I would like a boy just because I feel he will bond with it more, and reslise that my decision to go ahead with the pg was a good thing!!!!! I don't know whether this is the right way to feel and I know if i try to chat to him about it he will always say I don't mind either way, but as you say deep down every one has a preference.

Does anyone else feel like this about OH?


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## MummyBurgo

With my 1st I tought it was a girl and when I was told boy I cried,feel so silly now coz I love him so much. This time I thought a boy and was right although deep down wanted a girl,but I will love him just as much as a girl.

:hugs:


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## nfm3

I was hoping for a boy my last 2 times but I've been elated with my girls from the first moment i saw them. I dealt with my disappointment before they got here and I woudn't trade them for anything. It's good that you are being honest with yourself.


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## Kimboowee

I always wanted a boy first...

My gran died when i was 8 weeks and i suddenly wanted a girl so i could name her after her.

Here i am at 38weeks with a boy and couldnt be happier!


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## Reedy

I have 2 nieces who are my world so have always wanted a little girl & hated the thought of having a boy then I found out I was pregnant & I just have this feeling that we're having a boy ( a feeling & also bcus DH is one of 6 boys so to me inevitable that it will be a boy) & I'm so excited about it which I'm shocked about so now I really dont mind whether we have a girl or a boy as long as they are happy & healthy we dont care x 

I totally understand everyones feelings of disappointment though I was just lucky that I had made peace with it now rather that being disappointed when he pops out in 6 months x 

You'll love your baby no matter what huni so try not to worry x x x


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## babystar

:hugs: I KNOW this will happen to me. I have 2 girls and am hoping for a boy...but we r not finding out so I will have to wait till October.

:hugs:

I am sure when you have your little boy in your arms tho all you will feel is love :)

:hugs:


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## coccyx

Don't believe men bond better with boys. I have 3 girls and 1 boy. They are all very different regardless of their sex.
Sure you will bond withyour baby. You have to have whats there! Be kind to yourself.


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## angelstardust

I think everyone builds up an image of what their child will be like when they first find out they are pregnant. For some people they focus on one sex, for others it can be hair colour or even what their character will be like when they grow up. (who knows a dad who is dissapointed that their little boy is not interested in football/hill walking/etc?)

At some point we all have to say goodbye to that image of our perfect child and welcome the child we get, be that child a boy, girl, disabled, holy terror, book worm....


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## Mitsuko

angelstardust said:


> I think everyone builds up an image of what their child will be like when they first find out they are pregnant. For some people they focus on one sex, for others it can be hair colour or even what their character will be like when they grow up. (who knows a dad who is dissapointed that their little boy is not interested in football/hill walking/etc?)
> 
> At some point we all have to say goodbye to that image of our perfect child and welcome the child we get, be that child a boy, girl, disabled, holy terror, book worm....


My mum (who's EXTREMELY excited about my TTC) bought me a book called "The birth of a mother". What you just said is exactly what they phrase in one chapter of the book! How you "dreamt child" needs to fade at the end of your pregnancy to help you welcome your very real little one... :)

(Did you write that book? :rofl:)


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## honey08

see i cant understand this, cos when ur ttc/fall preg uknow its always 50/50 :? this is my first, so this is maybe y, but if i went on to have another boy and i didnt really want one i wudnt get preg :? 

sry thats my opinion, i know its prob nice to have 1 of each,but we know this is again only a 50/50 chance x


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## amylw1

with my eldest i was adamant i wanted a boy and IF it was a girl my mum was bringing it up. with the lil man, we couldnt find out and i was like "whatever, would prefer a boy" but not fussed. it was a boy, i cried when they told us as OH really wanted a girl. with this 1 i was convinced it was a girl as everything has been different - the way i'm carrying, no cravings, sickness etc but no another boy. i was abit upset but i'm ok with it now, apart from the fact he ahs no name.

have you had any tests after the MC's? i have had 4, 3 after each other and they said that they were all girls and doubted that i could carry them for what ever reason.


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## LoraLoo

angelstardust said:


> , holy terror....

I have one of those lol- monster he is, to say the least, good job we love him lol- but yes, i agree with everything you said xx


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## cinnamongirl

I am really afraid of feeling this way tbh! I've been thinking about it alot since becoming preg. See, OH has 2 kids already (one of each), and I have ALWAYS wanted a little girl. 
I am pretty close with OH's DS, but not so much with DD (probably cuz she's her mommy's little girl). I am wishing to have a little girl so that I can have a little princess too, cuz I know Saira and I will never be close like that, but Scotty is my little buddy!
I told OH about my fear, and he didn't really understand how I felt, so mostly I just keep my horrible feelings to myself. I feel terrible thinking about not wanting a little boy, and I'm sure that I will be over the moon no matter what, but it's hard to handle when all u've wanted ur whole life is not gonna happen. 
I am waiting till my 20 week scan to find out the gender, and up until then, I'm just envisioning my little girl. If it turns out to be a boy, then I will have time to deal before his birth. I could never live with myself if I had a son and he didn't feel like I loved him. But, honestly, I am hoping for a sweet little girl, as this will be my only child (OH is getting snipped!)

I can totally relate...and it doesn't make us terrible people...we just have a preference. As long as it doesn't interfere with us bonding with LO, then we can have our hopes...


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## Vici

I have trouble understanding this, not in a horrible way but I was TTC for a long time and to me and the many people long term ttc the miracle of actually finally getting pregnant outways anything else. :)


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## angelstardust

Nope, I just had a disabled child. One of the nest things that ever happened to me after DS2 was diagnosed was to read Welcome to Holland 

https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html


But it applies to every child really. 

So while I am not overly sympathetic to those who are disappointed about getting the wrong sex, I can understand it. (unless like someone I know, they willing get pregnant knowing they would be devastated (to the point of clinical depression) to have another boy and expect sympathy that they are actually having another boy)


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## massacubano

princess_vix said:


> I understand a little how u feel.
> 
> people kept telling me its was going to be a girl..and i got it in my head and had it all planned out.
> then told it was a little man..thought i was going to cry so i just hurried with the rest of scan.
> 
> But i think alot of people don't admit how they feel.
> It's not selfish you just take a while to get round the idea.
> 
> cos now i'm ecstatic about my little man and glad am not having a girl.
> 
> I'm sure it'll be fine hun :D xx

I totally agree with you! Everyone was thinking pink pink pink... and I did not cry... just was hard getting used to the idea. Now we are all excited to have a new man in our family soon... still seeing pink stuff gets me excited. I just hope to have lots of grandkids to spoil so I can buy both pink and blue!


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## LoraLoo

angelstardust said:


> Nope, I just had a disabled child. One of the nest things that ever happened to me after DS2 was diagnosed was to read Welcome to Holland
> 
> https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
> 
> 
> But it applies to every child really.
> 
> So while I am not overly sympathetic to those who are disappointed about getting the wrong sex, I can understand it. (unless like someone I know, they willing get pregnant knowing they would be devastated (to the point of clinical depression) to have another boy and expect sympathy that they are actually having another boy)

Have read that before on another forum and i think its lovely. I do think people should be grateful so get a healthy child, some dont realise how lucky they are


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## Angel2Fire

I know exactly how you feel, I'd always imagined I would have a little girl and I was gutted when I found out I was having a boy. I felt guilty because I was having a baby and he's healthy... but I couldn't help feeling dissapointed.

However, since then I have got used to the idea and am now really looking forward to my little boy being born.

I hope you can get used to the idea too. Good luck hun *hugs*


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## djgirl1976

I totally understand this. I was much closer with my mother and sister than with my brothers and dad. I have ALWAYS wanted a girl. That was one of my first thoughts. Oh no, I just know it will be a boy. Mostly because everyone keeps insisting it is a girl, and I have felt from the start that I am having a boy. So I put myself into that mindset from the start. 
Now, after several weeks, I have no clue what it is, but I will be happy either way. I have talked a boy up to myself so much, that I might actually feel a little sad if it isn't. It is hard not to have an opinion, but at the end of the day, as long as my baby is healthy, I could care less. I am soooo excited to be a proud mommy, regardless of what I am having. The good thing is, now that I have a mental picture of a son in my head, I am truly excited for both!
I have to admit, I actually read a few posts somewhere else online about this that just broke my heart for these poor children. Hearing mothers saying they didn't want their babies because they were "the wrong sex". It comes off sooooo horribly. It is a touchy subject, I guess, but I agree, people need to be more realistic and happy with whatever they have, as there are so many who cannot have children at all!


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## Dukechick

I secretly wanted a girl..... but about 10 mins after finding out he is a boy, I've been SOOO happy!!! I wanted to dress her up, pierce her ears, put bows in her hair, and now I can't do that. BUT...... I'm so happy having a boy. I'm not your typical girl (I burp, fart, drink... well, i DID drink) with all the guys, I couldn't imagine having a little angel as my first born!!!


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## DiddyDons

LoraLoo said:


> I think deep down everyone has a slight preference, even if they dont admit it, but the important thing is that the baby is healthy, regardless of the sex xxxxx

Totally agree with this x x x


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## Enodia

It's kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one who thought they would be disappointed if they had a gender they hadn't anticipated wanting. I almost felt guilty for feeling and thinking such thoughts. I have always wanted a girl and the thought of having a boy made me very weary as every time I'd walk by the girl's department, I'd gush over the frilly dresses. When the nurse told me I was having a boy, I felt a scintilla of disappointment up until she went on and on about how healthy and _perfect_ he was. And since my main fear was having a baby that wouldn't be so lucky, I can't even remember what I was so disappointed about. Now I am excited for the future and in bringing this little boy into the world.

That article is very touching and it really makes you take a good hard look at just how lucky people are who do have healthy children. It doesn't make those who don't any less unfortunate, but it is more challenging and I do give a lot of credit to those who are molding their life around such circumstances as it must be quite a change.


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## lindypops

angelstardust said:


> I think everyone builds up an image of what their child will be like when they first find out they are pregnant. For some people they focus on one sex, for others it can be hair colour or even what their character will be like when they grow up. (who knows a dad who is dissapointed that their little boy is not interested in football/hill walking/etc?)
> 
> At some point we all have to say goodbye to that image of our perfect child and welcome the child we get, be that child a boy, girl, disabled, holy terror, book worm....

What's wrong with bookworms?! :winkwink:

Seriously, like Amylw1 (sp?) I was wondering whether there might be a medical reason for it, which might have contributed to your sad mc's.


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## Aunty E

If I had been having a boy, I would have been totally gutted, because it would have meant that I hadn't beaten my OH's family genetics, and I would never have a daughter. I don't mind having a son, but I desperately want a daughter and I was convinced that I was going to have two boys, and that would be it. Thankfully, Imogen is a girl, and I don't really mind which gender my second child (if I'm that lucky) is. I wanted to find out, so that if she was a boy, my first thought at delivery wasn't disappointment. I know I would have gotten over it and been overjoyed with a healthy baby whatever sex he or she was, but I wanted to make sure that happened before the birth not just after. I don't think there's anything wrong with being disappointed, we were all disappointed my baby brother was a boy, and he knows that, but he's not any less loved for it, and he knows that too.

Of course, now I'll be in delivery and it'll turn out that Imogen is actually Edward, just to serve me right. :)


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## Mitsuko

angelstardust said:


> Nope, I just had a disabled child. One of the nest things that ever happened to me after DS2 was diagnosed was to read Welcome to Holland
> 
> https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
> 
> 
> But it applies to every child really.
> 
> So while I am not overly sympathetic to those who are disappointed about getting the wrong sex, I can understand it. (unless like someone I know, they willing get pregnant knowing they would be devastated (to the point of clinical depression) to have another boy and expect sympathy that they are actually having another boy)

Thanks for posting this article. It's very touching. :hugs:


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## logie68

just a quick reply to this one about not being able to carry girls. i asked the doctor about this and she said that there is no medical proof whatsoever. it is more likely you cannot carry boys because they only have one of each chromosome. no one has ever been proven to be unable to carry girls - only boys.


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## logie68

i guess i sound like a very evil person. i have only ever had sisters (1 older one and 2 my age - triplets) and i keep remembering what a wonderful time we had - 4 girls together. i keep thinking of my 2 sons - how can they possibly be happy in the future when they don't have things to look forward to in the same way that i look forward to things as a woman? it sounds really stupid i know. 
for those of you who want to find out the sex so that you are not disappointed at the birth, i would say don't. this week has been hell for me because i feel i can no longer enjoy the pregnancy - all the excitement has gone. i know i am slipping into pre natal depression because my thoughts are so irrational. everyone tells me i will feel differently when he is here and i pray that is right but i have another 20 weeks to wait. i look at other people who have 2 boys and they don't act like me - they are really happy. I just feel i am going to be judged by everyone for not having a girl. they are all going to feel sorry for me and pity me. what if my baby is feeling what i am feeling while he is inside me right now? how will i explain to him these suicidal thoughts? i need help. i need to love my baby again. can someone please just take these horrible thoughts away?


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## Mary Jo

Logie68, that sounds worrying and much deeper than "disappointment". Do you have anyone who can offer real-time help over this? Midwife, GP? I am seeing a perinatal mental health worker, who I was referred to by my midwife and psychiatrist because of a long history of depression and related mental health stuff - there should be someone like that available to you. Prenatal depression is a big problem and I'm not saying talking to someone will be all it takes to get over how you feel about having a second little boy, but it might help, a bit.

Take care :hugs:


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## logie68

my doc is allocating me a midwife this week. i could talk to my sisters but i feel they can't truly understand as they have a girl each. i feel worse in the mornings and try to cheer myself up by looking at the blue baby vests i have bought but to be honest, as soon as they leave my hands, i forget them. 
i think i am scared too about doing the baby thing all over again because i had baby blues with Logan and don't want to go through that again after going through this. i think that this is just adding to my sadness. 
my best friend has just had a boy and selfishly i am glad she didn;t have another girl as her daughter is pure perfection - gorgeous curls, beautiful and soo cute. i just keep thinking i no longer have the chance of having this. that's my life over.


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## princess_bump

i too think its something deeper than disappointment :hugs: please speak to someone trusted, like your mw :hugs: no one should judge you honey, you obviously don't want these feelings :hugs: i do hope you feel better soon x x


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## LoraLoo

logie68 said:


> my doc is allocating me a midwife this week. i could talk to my sisters but i feel they can't truly understand as they have a girl each. i feel worse in the mornings and try to cheer myself up by looking at the blue baby vests i have bought but to be honest, as soon as they leave my hands, i forget them.
> i think i am scared too about doing the baby thing all over again because i had baby blues with Logan and don't want to go through that again after going through this. i think that this is just adding to my sadness.
> my best friend has just had a boy and selfishly i am glad she didn;t have another girl as her daughter is pure perfection - gorgeous curls, beautiful and soo cute. i just keep thinking i no longer have the chance of having this. that's my life over.

Seriously- count yourself lucky you are having a healthy baby. I can understand the preference but saying that your life is over is just damn right fooking nasty- try having to say goodbye to your baby forever and you might know true disapointment. Im sorry if i sound harsh but you need to get a grip- you try for a BABY, not the sex of the baby, you have a 50/50 chance and if you arent prepared to take that chance, dont get pregnant.


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## princess_bump

lora :hugs: i honestly cannot understand how hard it must be for you and all the angel mummies, big big :hugs: x x x


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## Aunty E

Lora, I can understand why you would feel that way, and I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child, but I don't think that really helps Logie. Her disappointment is very real, and I don't think she should be made to feel guilty for it. As you can see, she has lost 7 pregnancies, she does know what it's like to lose a baby, and she is struggling with her feelings of disappointment and of guilt for feeling disappointed. Telling her to get a grip isn't exactly supportive. And I don't think it's at all acceptable to say that her honest feelings, which she has asked for HELP with, are 'damn right fooking nasty', even allowing for your understandable feelings. 

Logie, I'm really worried that you might be suffering from prenatal depression, please please please see your GP and ask for help, or speak to your midwife as soon as you get assigned one. They won't judge you, and they will be able to find help for you.


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## starah

logie68 said:


> just a quick reply to this one about not being able to carry girls. i asked the doctor about this and she said that there is no medical proof whatsoever. it is more likely you cannot carry boys because they only have one of each chromosome. no one has ever been proven to be unable to carry girls - only boys.


Ahh this musta been the case for my mom!! I love learning stuff on this website hehe


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## starah

Well for my dad more so as he is the one carrying the chromosomes lol


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## leeanne

LoraLoo said:


> logie68 said:
> 
> 
> my doc is allocating me a midwife this week. i could talk to my sisters but i feel they can't truly understand as they have a girl each. i feel worse in the mornings and try to cheer myself up by looking at the blue baby vests i have bought but to be honest, as soon as they leave my hands, i forget them.
> i think i am scared too about doing the baby thing all over again because i had baby blues with Logan and don't want to go through that again after going through this. i think that this is just adding to my sadness.
> my best friend has just had a boy and selfishly i am glad she didn;t have another girl as her daughter is pure perfection - gorgeous curls, beautiful and soo cute. i just keep thinking i no longer have the chance of having this. that's my life over.
> 
> Seriously- count yourself lucky you are having a healthy baby. I can understand the preference but saying that your life is over is just damn right fooking nasty- try having to say goodbye to your baby forever and you might know true disapointment. Im sorry if i sound harsh but you need to get a grip- you try for a BABY, not the sex of the baby, you have a 50/50 chance and if you arent prepared to take that chance, dont get pregnant.Click to expand...

LoraLoo, I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone through. :hugs:

But I do think the OP is experiencing some sort of pre-natal depression and should seek help. This isn't the first time someone has been disappointed in the gender of their baby, and the feelings that go along with the disappointment for the OP is something real to them and she should definitely get medical help.


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## Always&amp;4ever

:hugs:


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## SianMA

How brave some ladies are to ask for help with such difficult feelings, while I totally appreciate the feeling that trying for a baby shouldn't come with a gender preference and the strength of this feeling by ladies who have dealt with the worst disappointment in losing a baby, but I think everyone does have a preference on some level - whether its an attraction to beautiful girly clothes (the only thing that I will miss with having a boy) or a deep desire for a boy in a family with 5 girls like my best friend.

Logie please please seek some help, your feelings really do seem more than just 'blues' or an initial disappointment and if you get help now you could well avoid the post-natal depression you fear and have experienced before. 

As for the thoughts that your baby will know - don't worry, until babies are born all they feel are instincts, not real thoughts. In fact I've read that children don't develop those kind of mental abilities until they are around 2, hence the 'terrible twos' when they become aware of the concept of self and the realisation that they aren't part of you but a spearate person.

As long as you get the help you need to be able to love and care for your baby when he arrives all will be fine. You've done the hardest bit in realising that your feelings aren't normal and have been brave enough to tell us. Good luck and fight for the help you need. :hugs:


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## dizzy duck

I can honestly say hand on heart I had no preference, we were TTC for so long and given just 0.25% chance of conceiving on Clomid due to us both having problems, we were two days off starting IVF when we got our :bfp:. As long as we have a healthy baby we really didn't mind and over the moon to be having a boy. I totally understand people feeling the way they do though, maybe if we are very lucky to get blessed again I may feel differently, you will love your babies more then anything when you see them, take care :hugs: XX


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## Vici

Exactly Dizzy!! I know people who have been TTC for 10 years with numerous miscarriages and now 7x failed IVF!! I can assure you they wouldn't be worried over the sex of their baby!!


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## Wombat

Wanted to post here for ages!
Finally....

Deep inside I know that I would prefer another boy. And I am worried that I will be dissapointed if this bubba is a girl... But if it is a girl Ill gladly accept it as every child is a blessing :D


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## Duffy

My heart is set on a girl...


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## helz81

Im hoping mines a girl but my gut instinct is telling me it's a boy..but Im still chuffed to bits!!


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## Septie

I really have always wanted a girl, and since we only want one child, I was nervous. From the beginning, I had a strong feeling it was a boy - and I found out that it was...This is it for us - so our situation is similar to yours. I still wish it were a girl, to get the bonding with her as a child and especially as an adult, but I try to focus on the advantages of a boy; plus, it always seems to be the boys who stick around their parents' home until their late 20's, early 30's, with the girls leaving asap (my mother always got along much better with my brother than myself). I'm really ok with it now! Never thought I would be...
I've joked that if we were to change our mind about having another one, we'd have to get the semen pre-screened for gender selection. Then again, I think for the kids, it's terrific to be of the same gender - they'll be best friends forever.
Please do go talk to someone about your feelings. I don't think they are unnatural, given how I used to feel; but you want to feel better for your own sake and your little ones.


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## logie68

It seeems i have caused a lot of resentment in what i have been saying. For this i apologise. I honestly wish i did not feel like this. I am trying to turn it round but every morning is a struggle. For those of you who have lost, i have too - a great many times. For me, i suppose this is another form of grief which i need to battle with. I am evil, I am vile but I can't help it. I need help. For those of you who have not judged, thank you so much and i am going to my doctor again next week. I know i must want this baby deep down as i have to inject myself every morning with clexane to keep the pregnancy going(painful is an understatement) so, to carry on doing this, i must be wanting it really. I just need to WANT to want it.


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## sparkle_1979

LoraLoo said:


> logie68 said:
> 
> 
> my doc is allocating me a midwife this week. i could talk to my sisters but i feel they can't truly understand as they have a girl each. i feel worse in the mornings and try to cheer myself up by looking at the blue baby vests i have bought but to be honest, as soon as they leave my hands, i forget them.
> i think i am scared too about doing the baby thing all over again because i had baby blues with Logan and don't want to go through that again after going through this. i think that this is just adding to my sadness.
> my best friend has just had a boy and selfishly i am glad she didn;t have another girl as her daughter is pure perfection - gorgeous curls, beautiful and soo cute. i just keep thinking i no longer have the chance of having this. that's my life over.
> 
> Seriously- count yourself lucky you are having a healthy baby. I can understand the preference but saying that your life is over is just damn right fooking nasty- try having to say goodbye to your baby forever and you might know true disapointment. Im sorry if i sound harsh but you need to get a grip- you try for a BABY, not the sex of the baby, you have a 50/50 chance and if you arent prepared to take that chance, dont get pregnant.Click to expand...


I really have to agree with you on this one. After TTC for 6 yrs and 2 m/c to hear a comment like "my life is over" because you are having a boy is crazy to me. I can understand disappointment and everyone is entitled to feel that, but look at what you do have, not what you don't....


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## Aunty E

But she knows that what she is feeling isn't normal - that's why she's looking for help. This hasn't been easy for her to say, and she has lost pregnancies and is having to work REALLY hard to keep this one going, and I think that she needs our support, not our judgement. Would you be saying this sort of thing to a mother with a newborn baby that she found it impossible to love or saw as a total stranger? Or to a teenage mother who thought that her life was over because of her colicky baby, and she was worried she might hurt him or her? 

I don't think you would, because you would immediately think to yourselves that she had post-natal depression, and being lovely people, you would try to help her and persuade her to seek help. Although it's not talked about much, pre-natal depression is just as real as post-natal depression, and saying to Logie to get a grip or look on the bright side isn't really helping, she needs some kind of professional intervention. I feel horrible that she has felt the need to 'explain' that she knows she is 'evil'. Logie, you're not evil at all, you know you need extra help and make sure that you get it. You will love this baby just as much, but it might take you a bit longer to get there, that's all.

:hugs:


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## Blondie

^^

Thanks AuntyE - you have expressed my thoughts exactly there.


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## Eiroze

x


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## sparkle_1979

Aunty E said:


> But she knows that what she is feeling isn't normal - that's why she's looking for help. This hasn't been easy for her to say, and she has lost pregnancies and is having to work REALLY hard to keep this one going, and I think that she needs our support, not our judgement. Would you be saying this sort of thing to a mother with a newborn baby that she found it impossible to love or saw as a total stranger? Or to a teenage mother who thought that her life was over because of her colicky baby, and she was worried she might hurt him or her?
> 
> I don't think you would, because you would immediately think to yourselves that she had post-natal depression, and being lovely people, you would try to help her and persuade her to seek help. Although it's not talked about much, pre-natal depression is just as real as post-natal depression, and saying to Logie to get a grip or look on the bright side isn't really helping, she needs some kind of professional intervention. I feel horrible that she has felt the need to 'explain' that she knows she is 'evil'. Logie, you're not evil at all, you know you need extra help and make sure that you get it. You will love this baby just as much, but it might take you a bit longer to get there, that's all.
> 
> :hugs:

I didnt say what she is feeling is wrong, what I said is that to think your life is over because you are having a boy seems crazy to me. and if the feelings are just because she is having a boy then thats crazy, if its depression then of course thats another thing.


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## miss charlie

I really want a boy and I know my OH does too, but weirdly enough he seems to think I'm having a girl and all I can think of are girls names!! I dont have any feeling yet as to whether the pudding is pink or blue - the OH thinks I'm lying but I really dont have any feeling either way!

I dont know if I would be disappointed if I find I'm having a girl or not - I would hope not.

I'm more worried about whether I'll pass on my genetic condition, I have to see an obstetrcian and genetic counsellor about that.


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## miss charlie

Eiroze said:


> I must admit to wanting a girl - I think that's because being female - I thought a girl would be easier.

LOL thats exactly why I dont want a girl...we're bloody hard work!!!!


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## Eala

Logie, I don't think you're evil or vile. I think you're struggling with what sounds very like prenatal depression, and that is not something you can control. Depression is a very real illness, and it's not something that can just be brushed off. Someone who hasn't been there really can't understand it, and even if they have had depression, no two people are alike. So please don't allow people judging you to make you feel worse. It's an emotive subject, and bound to be one that people have strong opinions over - but that doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong, ok?

I think that if you weren't suffering these kind of depressive feelings, you would feel a bit disappointed, but then move on and start finding the positives. But when you are suffering from depression, it can be nigh on impossible to find those positives. It's not anything bad or evil about you - it's the illness.

This is why it's so important that you get help, and I really hope your doctor listens. There are anti-depressants which are safe for use during pregnancy, or you might find that counselling could help you release some of the issues which are making you feel so rotten right now.

Take it steady, and be really gentle with yourself. Getting into a cycle of thinking that you're evil won't help at all - it'll just make you feel worse. Be good to you - you're doing the best you can :hugs:.

Before I got pregnant, I was sure that I wanted a girl more than a boy - a lot of that was down to stupid remarks from the in-laws. We were told we had a >1% chance of conceiving, and actually needed ICSI. We'd just had our screening appointment when I got my :bfp:, and it was such a shock. Now, I have this gut feeling that I'm having a boy, and I'm still happy - it's our miracle baby, no matter what. We are still going to find out the gender at our 20 week scan (if LO plays along ;)) - I want to stop calling it "him or her" or "it" :lol:.

:hug: to all, I think we all need one.


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## djgirl1976

logie68, 
I hope you don't think you are vile or evil. You're not. You had painted a picture in your head and now must learn to accept it as being different than you had imagined. 
Have you considered that your closeness with your sisters can be reflected in your boys? I know it doesn't give you a girl to dress or help with hair and makeup and boy troubles and all those things, but those boys will have a very deep bond as brothers. I think you took a very big step admitting this here, and you realize that what you are feeling isn't "normal" or at least ideal. It may take you a little bit, but I know you will be so pleased with your little boy when he is here. He will need his mommy for so many things:D Talking about it with someone will be good for you, and if you can have your depression treated, that may be good as well. I know you don't mean to be hurtful to those who are TTC or have had losses, as even you have experienced this. Don't beat yourself up, but try to find every positive thing you can and hold onto those things. Get yourself a bit of help with it. You are certainly not the first person to go through this. I also think if you were to search for specific sites on this topic, you will find people who are far worse off than you. They absolutely seem hopeless and unhappy, and have no idea that they shouldn't feel this way. They have no concept of the things they are saying. It seems from your posts that you do. You want to not feel the way you are. You want to feel better, and happy. You owe that to yourself and if getting some doctor's help will make a difference, then wonderful!:D
I know you'll overcome your initial disappointment, as you have already reached out for help:hugs:


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## massacubano

leeanne said:


> LoraLoo said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> logie68 said:
> 
> 
> my doc is allocating me a midwife this week. i could talk to my sisters but i feel they can't truly understand as they have a girl each. i feel worse in the mornings and try to cheer myself up by looking at the blue baby vests i have bought but to be honest, as soon as they leave my hands, i forget them.
> i think i am scared too about doing the baby thing all over again because i had baby blues with Logan and don't want to go through that again after going through this. i think that this is just adding to my sadness.
> my best friend has just had a boy and selfishly i am glad she didn;t have another girl as her daughter is pure perfection - gorgeous curls, beautiful and soo cute. i just keep thinking i no longer have the chance of having this. that's my life over.
> 
> Seriously- count yourself lucky you are having a healthy baby. I can understand the preference but saying that your life is over is just damn right fooking nasty- try having to say goodbye to your baby forever and you might know true disapointment. Im sorry if i sound harsh but you need to get a grip- you try for a BABY, not the sex of the baby, you have a 50/50 chance and if you arent prepared to take that chance, dont get pregnant.Click to expand...
> 
> LoraLoo, I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone through. :hugs:
> 
> But I do think the OP is experiencing some sort of pre-natal depression and should seek help. This isn't the first time someone has been disappointed in the gender of their baby, and the feelings that go along with the disappointment for the OP is something real to them and she should definitely get medical help.Click to expand...

again I agree with the wisdom of leeanne... I do hope you get help this issue sounds deeper than GD. I am sure you will love the baby... do not worry about what "others" will think if you have a boy... :hug:

also loraloo... I can not imagine your pain and can understand your feelings on this as well :hug:


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## JadeF09x

*I desperately wanted to have a girl, annd I had got the idea into my head that i'd be having one :/ I thought of names and planned all the nice clothes she'd have.
At my 20week scan i was told i was having a boy. And like you i felt absouletly Gutted 
I then felt really bad for even thinking That which made things even worse. 
I've now got use to the idea and tbh i cant be any happier, as long as he's healthy it doesnt matter that hes not a girl lol.
at the end of the day i wouldnt feel bad, everybody has there preferences... And your going to love Him regardless 

Expecting a Lil Boy 20/08/09*


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## DizzyMoo

I was preg with my 1st i wanted a girl although i knew deep down i was carrying a boy, when i got to the sexing scan & i saw his bits i burst out laughing ya couldn't exactly miss them ..but when i got home i was shocked & quiet for a few days & cried . When i bumped into ppl i'd be all excited & squeel its a boy but then i'd realise & get upset again, But pretty soon once i actually started buying boy things & id already picked his name before the scan it just felt right & i wasnt upset i was excited, I never felt any bond with my bump at all, i never really paid much attention until i had to.But the moment he was born & they walked off to the heat table as he wasn't well i remember clearly " where are you going with MY son " from that moment i was like woooah where did that come from this sudden urge to protect him .Never felt that in my life til that moment & ive felt it ever since & im so glad ive a boy! 

Saying that im preg with no2 & back where i started wanting a girl so much im worrying if they say boy, which im convinced again it is, that ill cry. So im trying not to pin any hopes up. totally understand how you feel though hun & its normal & all part of the lovely preggy hormones :)


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## Mynx

We'd like to have a boy. Even my DD would like a baby brother hehe! I kinda feel that it may be a boy and I had a similar feeling of carrying a girl with DD so I'm hoping that I'm right! Even if I'm wrong, we just want the baby to be healthy and happy :D


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## soliloquise

poor logie.. give her a break people.. she is suffering too ! she is obviously having issues and pain deeper than just gender.. we should show compassion imo

logie ( hug )


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## LadyACS

I'm so confused about what I'm feeling right now. I did a very vague search on Google and came across this forum and I believe it has hit exactly what is going on with me. This is my first baby and I had been feeling like I'm having a girl. Honestly, I had and still don't have any plans for a boy. I had the ultrasound that discovers if there are any problems and I'm carrying a healthy baby. The tech told me that there is an 80% chance that it's a boy. She wouldn't really say that if she didn't know what she was talking about...would she? It wasn't until that very moment that I realized that I REALLY want a girl. Since the tech's prediction, my attitude has changed drastically. It worries me because my official ultrasound isn't until June 6th and I'm struggling with her prediction. I've been trying to talk myself off the ledge about the whole thing, but it scares me that my feelings haven't waivered...and this is from a prediction. I still have a month until I know for sure, but if it proves to actually be a boy I will be going through this whole heap of feelings again (possibly worse). That scares me.


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## Andypanda6570

LadyACS said:


> I'm so confused about what I'm feeling right now. I did a very vague search on Google and came across this forum and I believe it has hit exactly what is going on with me. This is my first baby and I had been feeling like I'm having a girl. Honestly, I had and still don't have any plans for a boy. I had the ultrasound that discovers if there are any problems and I'm carrying a healthy baby. The tech told me that there is an 80% chance that it's a boy. She wouldn't really say that if she didn't know what she was talking about...would she? It wasn't until that very moment that I realized that I REALLY want a girl. Since the tech's prediction, my attitude has changed drastically. It worries me because my official ultrasound isn't until June 6th and I'm struggling with her prediction. I've been trying to talk myself off the ledge about the whole thing, but it scares me that my feelings haven't waivered...and this is from a prediction. I still have a month until I know for sure, but if it proves to actually be a boy I will be going through this whole heap of feelings again (possibly worse). That scares me.

Hi, 
What exactly scares you about having a boy? I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 I got pregnant and it was a BIG surprise as we were done having kids, well 9 weeks ago i lost her at 18 weeks and my heart is pretty much broken, the little girl i never knew but got to hold and bury. I have been through a lot in my life, but nothing has compared to this. I would say i know how you feel if you already had one sex and was hoping for another, cause I will admit with 3 boys yes I did want a girl, but I don't understand the fear if it's your first? is it just that you can't see yourself with a boy maybe?
I am just a little confused I guess. But i do wish you all the best :hugs:


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## crossroads

lepaskilf said:


> because my pg wasn't planned and although OH is happy, I would like a boy just because I feel he will bond with it more, and reslise that my decision to go ahead with the pg was a good thing!!!!! I don't know whether this is the right way to feel and I know if i try to chat to him about it he will always say I don't mind either way, but as you say deep down every one has a preference.
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this about OH?

What about a daddys girl? 

Daddys girl/Mummys boy


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## EllaAndLyla

Im expecting a girl.. i wanted a girl at first and have done for however long but OH and friends all kept making me think boy.. even my parents and grandparents were thinking of names and getting excited as we have loads of girls and barely any boys in our big family!! So i started to believe it was a boy aswell, i started calling my bump harry and nearly even bought some blue things!! Went for the gender scan and it was a girl!! 100% as we saw the 3 lines (plus we have had it confirmed twice now)

Im still a little upset that it isnt a boy because of how dedicated i was becoming, but i know my gorgeous rainbow daughter will be more than i could ever ask for x


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## robinator

Dearest Logie, you are so very brave to admit these feeling; it takes so much courage! I don't believe you are evil, vile, twisted, disgusting, or whatever other adjectives you are attributing to your yourself. What you are dealing with is very real and it doesn't have anything at all to do with you as a person, but instead this horrible depression is filling you with lies. I have been there. Nearly everybody has been places in our lives when something happens that makes us feel our lives may be over, but don't we end up overcoming it in the end? What you are dealing with sounds more complex, though, and you can't overcome it on your own. Please, please talk to someone who can truly listen and then help you. :hugs:


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## katrina1987

With my first pregnancy we both desp wanted a boy and we were so happy when we found out we were having a boy, this time round id love a girl, I really want 1of each. But either way aslong as my baby is healthy I will be happy with whatever but pref a girl lol, although I think my DS would love a little brother, not all the girly things


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## crossroads

Andypanda6570 said:


> LadyACS said:
> 
> 
> I'm so confused about what I'm feeling right now. I did a very vague search on Google and came across this forum and I believe it has hit exactly what is going on with me. This is my first baby and I had been feeling like I'm having a girl. Honestly, I had and still don't have any plans for a boy. I had the ultrasound that discovers if there are any problems and I'm carrying a healthy baby. The tech told me that there is an 80% chance that it's a boy. She wouldn't really say that if she didn't know what she was talking about...would she? It wasn't until that very moment that I realized that I REALLY want a girl. Since the tech's prediction, my attitude has changed drastically. It worries me because my official ultrasound isn't until June 6th and I'm struggling with her prediction. I've been trying to talk myself off the ledge about the whole thing, but it scares me that my feelings haven't waivered...and this is from a prediction. I still have a month until I know for sure, but if it proves to actually be a boy I will be going through this whole heap of feelings again (possibly worse). That scares me.
> 
> Hi,
> What exactly scares you about having a boy? I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and at 40 I got pregnant and it was a BIG surprise as we were done having kids, well 9 weeks ago i lost her at 18 weeks and my heart is pretty much broken, the little girl i never knew but got to hold and bury. I have been through a lot in my life, but nothing has compared to this. I would say i know how you feel if you already had one sex and was hoping for another, cause I will admit with 3 boys yes I did want a girl, but I don't understand the fear if it's your first? is it just that you can't see yourself with a boy maybe?
> I am just a little confused I guess. But i do wish you all the best :hugs:Click to expand...

I think it's hard when people mention misscarriages on threads like this. Someone with gender dissapointment is not belittling miscarriage, just the same way as someone who is moaning that they live in a one bedroom flat is not belittling homeless people.


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## Cattia

I haven't read all the posts here but just wanted to add my experience. I always wanted a girl and when my daughter was born I was over the moon. When I got pregnant again everyone assumed I would want a boy this time but my secret preference was always for another girl. We stayed on team yellow but both thought we saw some little boy bits on the scan. I had this niggling worry all through my pregnancy that somehow I would not feel the same about a boy as I did when my daughter was born. As soon as my son was born I totally forgot all about those worries and I was head over heels with him. Now I have him he's just perfect and I can't imagine wanting anything else. I do think that having a preference about gender is something that people feel guilty and ashamed about but many people do feel this way, however my experience is that once you meet your baby they are just the little person who you have created and they are marvellous no matter what.


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## Funnymummy3

I absolutely agree that just because your sad about what you're having doesn't mean your unsumpathetic about miscarriage. I've lost 3 babies at various stages and now I have one baby girl and am pregnant again with another. Each lost baby was crushing and I nearly gave up, then this one stuck and we were thrilled. And yet today I am gutted as have just found out it's a girl. I love my daughter to pieces and I know I'll love this one but I only want to have 2 and so we desperately wanted a boy to complete our family. When they told me at the scan I just wanted to cry and when I got alone that's just what I did. I could see from the look on my OH face that he was disappointed too. Wed tried all the old wives tales to get a boy, guess it shows it doesn't work. I went out and bought a little dress to try and get
Excited but when I got home just made me sad again. I kept ally daughters clothes to try and prepare myself for the fact it may be a girl but deep down I hoped I'd be giving them away. Im sure I'll get over it and excited. I'm looking for names maybe then I'll bond more. It's so stupid because I couldn't imagine me with a boy and I did want a sister for my daughter it's just I know this is our last and I'll never have a boy now.


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## Maybe1daysoon

i want a this baby to be a boy so very badly. but I know it is what it is. only 1 week till i know.


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## TwoMummies

logie68 said:


> i feel really bad for writing this. I found out last week i am having another boy and i am gutted to say the least. despite the fact that i have suffered 7 miscarriages after the birth of my son, i still feel really low that i am now successfully 21 weeks pregnant but with another boy. i am panicking about the future - will i reject him? i know i sound really evil and selfish. i just wanted a fairy princess.
> has anyone else ever felt like this?

I think everyone has a preference but don't let it get you down.

Also you really don't want to get hung up on the 'fairy princess' thing, so many parents get disapointed when their daughter's are not the girly girl's they imagined.

Here is my son and daughter proving that gender stereotypes don't exist!
My son is honestly more girly than my daughter!
(PS - My daughter is the one in the Batman suit in case you can't tell)

https://i1179.photobucket.com/albums/x392/rebecca_benson1/megsandbrand.jpg


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## gemalems

The only time i felt this was with my 5th. I really wanted to have another girl and as i had feared he was another boy, my 4th!! I cried coming out of the scan and i felt so angry about it. I got over it before he arrived and he turned out to be the biggest mummy's boy out of the lot and is so cute and funny and i love him to bits. I went on to have another DG and with this one i have no preference ;0)


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## bananaz

lepaskilf said:


> because my pg wasn't planned and although OH is happy, I would like a boy just because I feel he will bond with it more, and reslise that my decision to go ahead with the pg was a good thing!!!!!

So I realize this post was made more than two years ago but this is my feeling as well. I personally would prefer a girl but I know OH would like a boy and I think he would feel more comfortable with/connected to a son than a daughter. So really I will be happy either way :)


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## keepthefaithx

After a miscarriage the last thing you think about is what gender, you want a healthly strong baby, just realized your blessed hun!


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## ROACHSHACK138

Im hoping someone could give me a little advice. Im 20, and my girlfriend and I are having our first baby. Im a highschool dropout with no job expirence, and I live with my dad and brother in my dad'd girlfriend's mom's. My father know nothing of being a father himself as he spent most of my childhood smoking weed, sleeping, playing video games, and going out with his friends. Now that we live with his girlfriend and he actually has to work for once, he wants to give me grieve about my failures rather then help out his oldest son with getting his life together. He insults me, he screams, he tries to intimidate, he basically just puts me through hell. And on top of that I find out that my first child is going to be a girl. Im not ready for a girl, I want my son so I can raise him to be the man that my father and I could never be. Im afraid ill resent her because of my selfishness, ive been so depressed, can I get some advice? Please dont judge me.


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## MommaAlexis

Just know that you can teach her to stay away from anyone who doesn't respect her. And you can make sure she knows what a healthy family is.


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## feeble

Hi, i just wanted to share my experience in case it might help, both the OP and the people who seem to think gender disappointment is something horrid or something that we should be ashamed of or even 'sickening' as i have read. 

I have one son J, he is my world, when he was 10months old i found out i was pregnant again and i did hope it would be a girl, i would very much like a girl but not necessarly loads of kids though we would try 3 more times, our limit is four lol 

when i went for my 18 week scan (they did the 20 week two days early) and they said it was definitely a girl i was absolutely over the moon, i think i even cried a bit. I bought baby girl clothes, i bought beautiful little dresses (not many... just the odd one or seven ;) ) and i asked friends to send over any baby girl bits they might have

i gave away many of J's newborn boy clothes, not all because i am not that picky about my girl wearing certain boy stuff like vests and sleepsuits etc

beautiful clothes, clothes i had saved to put on another little boy that i no longer needed

I went for a scan at 23 weeks and my precious, beautiful little girl had died. she was born at 23+5 in the labour ward, i gave birth to her and then walked him empty handed. It was terrible. 

Now i am pregnant again and i am ALREADY battling with feelings of 'what if it is a boy' not because i wont love him, of course i will, but i will long for what was, i already long for what was, what should have been. 

I know I will have to pick out those baby girls clothes and pack them away for another few years under a bed somewhere, gathering dust. I know i will have to adjust my mindset to cope with it. 

do you know how hard it is to hear people saying 'as long as its a healthy baby thats all that matters' NO that is NOT ALL that matters, it is the most important thing, it is vital BUT MY emotions/feelings/dreams and aspirations, my longing to have a little girl who thinks of me as i do my mother, who will live near me and who i can watch birth my grandchildren, who will be my best friend as i am my mothers... that is REAL and VALID and important as well. Not AS important as a healthy child but i KNOW that! 

I feel like my thoughts on the matter are wrong and poison because whenever i mention it, people say 'well as long as the baby is healthy it doesnt matter what sex it is! 

It does matter! it matters TO ME! I dont WANT to spend another year wondering if i will ever have a girl, if those clothes will remain new with tags on, hidden under a bed for the rest of my life. if i will pull them out every few years til my old age wondering what 'could' have been. if only i hadnt been in the ridiculously low percentage of women whose baby die needlessly in late pregnancy. 

If you have an idea in your head, a 'way' you think things are going to go, then of course you are going to be disappointed and require some adjustment if they change. I will LOVE a baby boy, i think even now 'well he would be a lovely companion for Jasper' and 'we can try again for a girl' 

if i had four boys i would tell myself that it was meant to be, and enjoy it for what it was but i am ALLOWED to feel some disappointment, some slightly selfish perhaps but still VALID feelings about my lost little girl, the one that never was.

I have had a name picked out for my daughter since i was a child. I cannot wait to tell her about life, (or my sons) but there is something special between a mother and her daughter, just as there is between a mother and her sons and i want to experience both. 

I do not think it is something people should be made to feel bad about. just because we are mothers, does not make our thoughts, emotions, wants or needs invalid


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## cosmicgirlxxx

I am TTC. We already have 4 boys, and are overstretching ourselves a bit to try for a little girl. I cannot have any more children after number 5, we just could not do it. So this is my last chance. Its difficult to explain but I dont want another boy, I have 4 beautiful boys. If one of my 4 included a girl, we would not have another child, we'd be done. I cannot accept that I will not have a daughter, just cant accept it. When people say to me "but what if its another boy", I blank them, I cant even go there. I can't even face the thought that it would be another boy. What if it is? Would i push for number 6?,7?, 8? Where does it stop? I have tried timing for a girl, girlie diet, chinese gender prediction - the lot. Very difficult for people to understand unless you are in that situation.


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## Arisa

you know deep down I think every parent to be has a slight preference even if its only small. A lot of men want a boy and others want a girl but its the fact that most people would be happy either way that matters however I know I will struggle big time with gender disappointment because when you dream of having a girl and have done for years its difficult to let go of that and just "accept" it :/


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## honeybee2

The Holland article made me blub! Beautiful!


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