# -Facepalm- (about sex)



## M.e.j.b02-17

I don't know how to have sex anymore....:dohh:
Like i don't know what to do, i don't know whats sexy or not
I just don't know HOW to have sex... LOL

Someone please help me


----------



## Strawberrymum

I have no idea either 

Ill be stalking...


----------



## Croc-O-Dile

I wish I could help you, but I'm about as sexy as a herpes outbreak.

Try cosmopolitan.com! 
Sex Tips and Tricks from Guys
Although, the only thing I could ever moan about wanting to taste is a German chocolate cake.


----------



## Strawberrymum

The sex I have sounds super boring compared to all that ^^


----------



## emmylou92

We just spent about £200 on some bedroom stuff, Forgetting how pregnant i am so we cant even use it :(

Poor OH.


----------



## Jellyt

Sorry I can't help, I have NO idea either!


----------



## LauraBee

Last time I had sex was when Bethlouise was conceived, the last time anyone even kissed me I was about fifteen weeks pregnant. I've pretty much forgotten what the big deal is :dohh:


----------



## snowfia

I wish I knew :(


----------



## xforuiholdonx

Insert penis into vagina.:haha:


----------



## 17thy

just bend over hahahaha theyll take it from there


----------



## Julymom2be

Strawberrymum said:


> The sex I have sounds super boring compared to all that ^^

Haha same here! I wish I knew how to spice things up.


----------



## QuintinsMommy

I don't really think there is a "how to" guide, because everyone likes different things sexually , just talk openly about sex with your partner


----------



## 17thy

seriously it is all about what turns you and/or partner on. =) i saw a comment saying this guys ex came into the room with a soaking wet tshirt and it was super hot yada yada. my dh (and i) would be like thats stupid... but its personal preference


----------



## xgem27x

It all starts with a kiss and a cuddle... then slowly start taking off each others clothes.... bit of foreplay.... bam bam bam.... done...

Thats the simple way, and its best to start like that, there is no need to try anything too much so early on, just get comfortable with each other sexually first, then as you build up that sexual bond, you can start talking about different things you like and what you want to try/do...


If all else fails, just picture my face haha!! Will be the best sex ever then!! :haha:


----------



## Strawberrymum

Julymom2be said:


> Strawberrymum said:
> 
> 
> The sex I have sounds super boring compared to all that ^^
> 
> Haha same here! I wish I knew how to spice things up.Click to expand...

I wish i had some sex to spice up lol


----------



## QuintinsMommy

its like riding a bike, you never forget how.:haha:


----------



## LauraBee

QuintinsMommy said:


> its like riding a bike, you never forget how.:haha:

...I never learnt how to ride a bike :wacko: :rofl:


----------



## JadeBaby75

Do what you did the first time you had sex!


----------



## LauraBee

Lie there awkwardly, tell him to stop thrusting because it's not even in yet and then have him collapse on you?


----------



## Lauraxamy

:haha: Love some of the replies.. especially the bend over one!
No seriously, I don't think there's a right or wrong way. It's all about communication and talking to your partner, telling them your likes and dislikes and them telling you the same.


----------



## hot tea

Be natural. If you feel a bit awkward, show it. Show your attraction, show how you feel. THAT is sexier than pretending. He will find you endearing and will take away the pressure.

"Sexy" and "hot" is just superficial anyways.


----------



## x__amour

Just go with the flow, act natural. :D


----------



## Rhio92

I wish I had an OH to have sex with :sad1: DIY just isn't the same.


----------



## Mummy2B21

Snap out the whipps and chains hahaha


----------



## mayb_baby

Pull underwear down ad do the first thing that pops into your head :winkwink:


----------



## M.e.j.b02-17

you ladies are awesome


----------



## QuintinsMommy

Rhio92 said:


> I wish I had an OH to have sex with :sad1: DIY just isn't the same.

I wish I just had someone to have sex with:blush::haha:


----------



## LauraBee

QuintinsMommy said:


> Rhio92 said:
> 
> 
> I wish I had an OH to have sex with :sad1: DIY just isn't the same.
> 
> I wish I just had someone to have sex with:blush::haha:Click to expand...

I'm trying to convince my gay friend to have sex with me using the excuse that he needs to know what's gonna happen once he's at uni... It worked on my gay female friend :shrug:


----------



## _laura

:bunny: Just do a sexy dance


----------



## cammy

i wish i enjoyed sex enough to actually have fun and get into it a bit more. But I'm afraid our sex life is abit boring and lacking.


----------



## lauram_92

emmylou92 said:


> We just spent about £200 on some bedroom stuff, Forgetting how pregnant i am so we cant even use it :(
> 
> Poor OH.

Can I be nosy and ask what the frig you bought for £200? Lol!


----------



## emmylou92

Haha, some stuff's from  This website! it sounds alot, but when you look at the prices of things.

:blush:


----------



## Strawberrymum

emmylou92 said:


> Haha, some stuff's from  This website! it sounds alot, but when you look at the prices of things.
> 
> :blush:

just had a look. 

I want the swing! it looks like so much fun! 

I need to find someone first :coffee:


----------



## QuintinsMommy

ahh? people are into this? https://www.bondara.co.uk/chastity

edit, ahhhh theres a lot of weird stuff on this site :haha: I'm sorry but no one would ever use this on me (other then a doctor)https://www.bondara.co.uk/pussy-opener-speculum


----------



## Strawberrymum

LOL not for me! 

but each to there own


----------



## xgem27x

Me and OH have talked about getting a sex swing haha!!!

Although we have also said we want to get a mirror on our bedroom ceiling haha.... would have to take my Melissa poster down though... damn!! :rofl::rofl:


----------



## rainbows_x

I want a sex swing!

I also have the bondage tape off that site :lol:
ETA: and the bondage rope! 
ETA2: I just realised I have so much off this site! Most of it was from Love Honey though.


----------



## LauraBee

All of my DIY tools are from LoveHoney :thumbup:


----------



## emmylou92

QuintinsMommy said:


> ahh? people are into this? https://www.bondara.co.uk/chastity
> 
> edit, ahhhh theres a lot of weird stuff on this site :haha: I'm sorry but no one would ever use this on me (other then a doctor)https://www.bondara.co.uk/pussy-opener-speculum

We dont use weird stuff like that, there are some really weird things on there. I like the girly sexy stuff, the swings are cool, just wonder how you would hide it.


----------



## newmommy23

come on over, I'll show you ;) :blush:


----------



## lauram_92

I am so boring. The most exciting thing I have used must be lube :shrug: I am not into vibrators or any of that shite.


----------



## Melibu90

I would love a sex swing
We arnt too exciting using props we have one toy an jst oitfits really


----------



## hot tea

I think dildos/vibrators are kind of weird. They don't do anything for me. Maybe that's because I'm spoiled with the real thing. ;)

Sex swings just seem awkward. I would just laugh.


----------



## Rhio92

I wish I could get something to improve my DIY, but I live with my mum, and every so often she'll tidy my room as a 'surprise' :dohh: Last year she found my babydoll (silky dress thing) and I was sooo embarrassed :blush:


----------



## 17thy

hot tea said:


> I think dildos/vibrators are kind of weird. They don't do anything for me. Maybe that's because I'm spoiled with the real thing. ;)
> 
> Sex swings just seem awkward. I would just laugh.

wow you are like the only person ive met that doesnt really like dildo/vibes besides me. a real peen is just...way better lol. although i never really got into them in the first place.


----------



## hot tea

17thy said:


> hot tea said:
> 
> 
> I think dildos/vibrators are kind of weird. They don't do anything for me. Maybe that's because I'm spoiled with the real thing. ;)
> 
> Sex swings just seem awkward. I would just laugh.
> 
> wow you are like the only person ive met that doesnt really like dildo/vibes besides me. a real peen is just...way better lol. although i never really got into them in the first place.Click to expand...

Honestly I think they are just single ladies who need to accept no penis, so convince themselves dildos rock. They don't. Screwing cold plastic sucks. THE END.

Sex toys are just awkward. I love dressing up or doing freaky things, like... Really freaky things. But they don't include an overpriced, ridiculous looking swing or a neon dildo.


----------



## emmylou92

17thy said:


> hot tea said:
> 
> 
> I think dildos/vibrators are kind of weird. They don't do anything for me. Maybe that's because I'm spoiled with the real thing. ;)
> 
> Sex swings just seem awkward. I would just laugh.
> 
> wow you are like the only person ive met that doesnt really like dildo/vibes besides me. a real peen is just...way better lol. although i never really got into them in the first place.Click to expand...

I dont really like them, though if i was single for along time i might change my mind!!


----------



## LauraBee

Umm, I don't use mine internally, I've done it on occasion, but it hurts afterwards :blush: I don't like penises much either though so :shrug: I would get a specifically external one, but it works just as well. To be honest, I would much rather have sex with someone, but that isn't an option for me and I'm surprisingly crap when I try to do it completely alone...



Rhio92 said:


> I wish I could get something to improve my DIY, but I live with my mum, and every so often she'll tidy my room as a 'surprise' :dohh: Last year she found my babydoll (silky dress thing) and I was sooo embarrassed :blush:

I have learned to hide mine in a black wash bag previously down the side of my bed and currently in the very typical underneath knickers in the under wear drawer :thumbup:


----------



## rainbows_x

I never really tried anything 'freaky' before FOB came along, he introduced me to loads and would buy me toys for Christmas/Birthdays :lol: ex OH was very,very freaked out by them.


----------



## lauram_92

I'm not into ramming a plastic fake willy up yourself :haha: I've never tried it though.


----------



## Rhio92

LauraBee said:


> Umm, I don't use mine internally, I've done it on occasion, but it hurts afterwards :blush: I don't like penises much either though so :shrug: I would get a specifically external one, but it works just as well. To be honest, I would much rather have sex with someone, but that isn't an option for me and I'm surprisingly crap when I try to do it completely alone...
> 
> 
> 
> Rhio92 said:
> 
> 
> I wish I could get something to improve my DIY, but I live with my mum, and every so often she'll tidy my room as a 'surprise' :dohh: Last year she found my babydoll (silky dress thing) and I was sooo embarrassed :blush:
> 
> I have learned to hide mine in a black wash bag previously down the side of my bed and currently in the very typical underneath knickers in the under wear drawer :thumbup:Click to expand...

:haha: I'll have to try that :thumbup:

I don't think i'd use one internally either. For me, sex is about the intimacy. Having sex with a dildo just wouldn't do it for me. It would be like shagging barbie (well, ken I suppose!).

A sex toy would just stop me being horny for 5 minutes or so :haha: I hope...


----------



## 17thy

lauram_92 said:


> I'm not into ramming a plastic fake willy up yourself :haha: I've never tried it though.

willy! :rofl:


----------



## LauraBee

Kissing someone I'm into is waaaay more satisfying to me in any circumstance, too bad there isn't a toy for that :(


----------



## lauram_92

17thy said:


> lauram_92 said:
> 
> 
> I'm not into ramming a plastic fake willy up yourself :haha: I've never tried it though.
> 
> willy! :rofl:Click to expand...

Why you laughing at me? :( LOL!


----------



## LauraBee

'Cos "willy" is what kids call it  Am I the only one who stills says "fanny" regularly?


----------



## Rhio92

LauraBee said:


> Kissing someone I'm into is waaaay more satisfying to me in any circumstance, too bad there isn't a toy for that :(

Kiss a mirror? :haha:



LauraBee said:


> 'Cos "willy" is what kids call it  Am I the only one who stills says "fanny" regularly?

I hate 'fanny' :haha: I just my bits, or downstairs furniture if I'm feeling like confusing the hell out of someone :lol: Although, I like the term 'south of the border' :haha:


----------



## lauram_92

I call it a vajayjay. I never know what to call those... features. Hence the willy comment ;)


----------



## 17thy

lauram_92 said:


> 17thy said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> lauram_92 said:
> 
> 
> I'm not into ramming a plastic fake willy up yourself :haha: I've never tried it though.
> 
> willy! :rofl:Click to expand...
> 
> Why you laughing at me? :( LOL!Click to expand...

Hehe I never hear anyone call it a willy and it always makes me giggle


----------



## emmylou92

I have gone from calling it ladys bits to 'flower' now Hollie is listening and picking things up.


----------



## hot tea

I think it is pretty important for children to know the correct names.


----------



## 10.11.12

I'm tempted to get one after this thread! maybe as a late Valentines gift to OH.


----------



## emmylou92

hot tea said:


> I think it is pretty important for children to know the correct names.

She will do, when she is older, dont want her running around shouting, Vagina at 12 months old. :)


----------



## IrishGirl

LOL you girls have cheared me right up lol.
Th best name ive heard for it is "Lady Garden" ha ha ha ha!!!


----------



## hot tea

I doubt a twelve month old could pronounce "vagina", my very vocal three and a half year old still calls them "ginas". But I get what you mean. :lol: Point taken.


----------



## 17thy

Hahaha me and DH call them penis (or peen) and vagina anyway :haha: I'm sure she will pick up on it. I've tried to use "cute" names but I just can never remember them.


----------



## Croc-O-Dile

Oddly enough, I can't call it anything other than a vagina. Anything else is embarrassing to me :blush: 
Liv just calls it her peepee. I think it's because when I change her diaper I often have to yell, "Olivia! Get back her! We have to clean your peepee!" (as in the urine dripping down her leg)


----------



## LauraBee

I would love to be able to use "penis" and "vagina" more regularly, but I'm soooo into the habit of a billion slang terms for them :dohh: I only use the actual terms when I'm feeling serious :haha:

I think I would rather Bee know them as the correct terms, but she'll almost definitely call them something else just because no one ever really uses "penis/vagina". My mom hated that my elder sister told me and my younger sister the correct terms when she found out at school, no idea why :shrug:


----------



## QuintinsMommy

Rhio92 said:


> LauraBee said:
> 
> 
> Kissing someone I'm into is waaaay more satisfying to me in any circumstance, too bad there isn't a toy for that :(
> 
> Kiss a mirror? :haha:
> 
> 
> 
> LauraBee said:
> 
> 
> 'Cos "willy" is what kids call it  Am I the only one who stills says "fanny" regularly?Click to expand...
> 
> I hate 'fanny' :haha: I just my bits, or downstairs furniture if I'm feeling like confusing the hell out of someone :lol: Although, I like the term 'south of the border' :haha:Click to expand...

fanny, is a bum here. A bum bag?? (i think thats what its called there) is called a fanny pack here:haha:


----------



## LauraBee

Yeah, I was waiting for that - "fanny" is slang for "vagina" here, I think of it as on the same level as "willy" is for "penis" :thumbup:


----------



## emmylou92

I would teach hollie that a penis is a willy and a vagina a flower. 

Saying that, she isnt intrested in any other body part apart for her toes, she thinks they are amazing and ears!!


----------



## lauram_92

I'll teach Oliver that it is a willy. But I don't know what to call a vajayjay to him :shrug: I was taught it was a front bum :shrug:


----------



## Bexxx

^^ 
Same!
Willy and front bum here :lol:


----------



## MommyGrim

Rhio92 said:


> :haha: I'll have to try that :thumbup:
> 
> I don't think i'd use one internally either.* For me, sex is about the intimacy. Having sex with a dildo just wouldn't do it for me.* It would be like shagging barbie (well, ken I suppose!).
> 
> A sex toy would just stop me being horny for 5 minutes or so :haha: I hope...

This. My sex drive used to be 10x my OH and he used to always say 'I'll just buy you a dildo, etc.' but that's not what I really want...:wacko: I have been trying to explain it to him FOREVER and he still doesn't understand :dohh:


----------



## xgem27x

Willy and Noony is what I'm gonna teach the boys, thats what I called it when I was younger!

A part of me would love to teach them to say "clunge" just for giggles, but I'm not that cruel :haha::haha:


----------



## 17thy

What's a clunge?


----------



## LauraBee

British slang for vagina, one of the grosser adult terms - slightly less offensive than "twat". I believe you guys don't have "minge" either, no need to thank me :thumbup:


----------



## 17thy

No I knew what minge was thanks to south park :winkwink:


----------



## LauraBee

Well then "clunge" is on a par with "minge" :D I'm trying to think of all the slang terms I know, there's so many!


----------



## MrsEngland

Haha my mate calls it her foo foo. Trying to think of other slang terms......peachy pocket is another i've heard used!


----------



## 17thy

foo foo! haha.

Whispering Eye.


----------



## mayb_baby

I call mine my toot/noon/bits
penis/willy


----------

