# adoption questions for a newbie?



## naturelady

Hi folks- 

My DH & I are just scratching the surface of adoption... so, I have some questions. We are in the US, since I know that things vary from country to country. 

#1 How did you find the specific agency that you chose to work with? We are not very religious, so I am somewhat wary of religious groups, because I assume that they may not like that we don't regularly attend church, etc. But we can't afford to do private. 

#2 If we are not the Cleavers, do we stand a chance? We are smart & involved in our community, a loving couple, and feel like we would be great parents, but we both went through a hippie phase in college.... will they look that far into our backgrounds? Will they judge us based on the number of photos that exist of us at Phish concerts? 

#3 I know that there is no one "set price" for adoptions, but does anyone know a ballpark? I am finding very conflicting info online! 

#4 How long does the process take? How long have any of you had to be "on call" (I know that sometimes, if you want an infant, you're waiting a long time- and then, the birth mother can change her mind & you're bumped again- is this as common as it seems?) 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for any advice you can give. Sorry I rambled- I just feel like I dove into a pool without knowing how to swim :)


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## karenh

naturelady said:


> Hi folks-
> 
> My DH & I are just scratching the surface of adoption... so, I have some questions. We are in the US, since I know that things vary from country to country.
> 
> #1 How did you find the specific agency that you chose to work with? We are not very religious, so I am somewhat wary of religious groups, because I assume that they may not like that we don't regularly attend church, etc. But we can't afford to do private.
> 
> #2 If we are not the Cleavers, do we stand a chance? We are smart & involved in our community, a loving couple, and feel like we would be great parents, but we both went through a hippie phase in college.... will they look that far into our backgrounds? Will they judge us based on the number of photos that exist of us at Phish concerts?
> 
> #3 I know that there is no one "set price" for adoptions, but does anyone know a ballpark? I am finding very conflicting info online!
> 
> #4 How long does the process take? How long have any of you had to be "on call" (I know that sometimes, if you want an infant, you're waiting a long time- and then, the birth mother can change her mind & you're bumped again- is this as common as it seems?)
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH for any advice you can give. Sorry I rambled- I just feel like I dove into a pool without knowing how to swim :)

Welcome to the whirlwind that is the adoption process! I hope your journey isn't too bumpy. I can try and help, but know that just as every country is different, each state has their own quirks as well. I would start by looking up agencies and reviewing their profiles. I did this simply by googling adoption agencies in <enter state here>. Usually a few links down is a good list of agencies in your state. Review their websites and see if any give you are positive vibe or negative vibe and proceed accordingly. I have found, and it was the case with us, the one thing after another eliminated agencies until you are with the one that is perfect for you. I would ask questions such as what specific requirements do you have? If you are concerned about the religious aspect make sure to ask if they have religious requirements. Some agencies will have and information packet they can send you. Domestic Infant Adoption is in my opinion the best way to guarantee that you will get an infant, however it is expensive. I have found that it will be between $20,000 and $40,000. There are grants you can apply for and lots of fundraising ideas and sites. Another option is to go through your state system. Most states have a foster to adopt program. (Oregon does not. The foster system and Adoption are separate) This is usually a MUCH cheaper if not free route. However, it is harder to get an infant and you might have a few children placed with you before you have one you can adopt.

The adoption process no matter which route you go is invasive. They will ask a lot of questions about your past. They aren't as selective as you might think. Truthfully, I have never heard of someone not being approved. I know it does happen, but it is rare. They are not looking for the "perfect" family. Just be yourself and you will find the child that is supposed to be yours.

The wait is a hard one to define because it is so variable. I can tell you with my agency I was told (and they would only tell me because I made them) that the average wait is 2 years. However, my caseworker said once approved it could take 2 weeks, or they also have a couple that has been waiting 4-5 years. With the state you will probably have children in your home quicker, but you may need to be a little flexible about the age range.

I know that is a lot of information to throw at you. Please feel free to ask me anything you want to and I will do my best to answer.


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## Trishg21

Welcome to the Adoption Forum! We are fresh off our adoption journey so I'll answer your questions the best I can, I'm also in the US.

1- For us it was A LOT of interviewing with different agencies. We met with probably 6-7 before we made our choice. The best advice I can give is ask a lot of questions! I'd even be happy to give you some things we asked about if you'd like. In the end we both felt the best about the first agency we met with. It was a gut instinct and I'm so glad we followed it.

2- Absolutely you stand a chance! The social worker might ask you a bit about your past, but really what matters is the people you are now. We were told that most birth moms look for a stable married couple. You will be great parents and I'm sure you'll be matched, you'd be surprised what reasons some birth moms have for their decisions. 

3- This is the hardest part. There is a lot of conflicting info, and really a lot of hidden fees. We were trying to stay around $25,000 but really after all is said and done we paid $40,000. She is worth every penny but it is very expensive.

4- We got lucky. From the start of our process (Jan 2013) until we were matched it was just about 8 months. Our daughter was born August 30th :)

However, we were very open. We chose to go with an African-American adoption (we are white) because we knew of an agency with an abundance of black birth moms and not as many families going that direction. Our family is very mixed racially anyways so we didn't even think twice about it. If this is something you are interested in let me know and I'd be happy to give you the name of the agency.

As far as the birth mom changing her mind - this is another question you want to ask agencies. How often does this happen with them? What kind of counseling do they receive before placement? Also the relinquishment period is different from state to state, so you want to find out what it is in your state. 

I live in California and the relinquishment period is 10 days. However, our girl was born in a state where it was 24 hours. So the day after she was born, birth mom signed away her rights and now there it is not possible for her to change her mind. You'll want to ask your agency about where the birth moms usually give birth and what laws are in place for relinquishment.


This can be a very overwhelming process! But try to stay calm and just be very proactive about getting all the information. I'd be MORE than happy to help! Adoption is an amazing gift, it has changed my life for the better. I hope it does the same for you. :hugs:

Please PM me any time!


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## karenh

Thank you for your input! Your daughter is beautiful. Congratulations. We are currently trying to adopt. We started the process in July and our home study should be approved with in two days. How long did you have to wait between approval and matching? How did you pass the time??


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## Trishg21

karenh said:


> Thank you for your input! Your daughter is beautiful. Congratulations. We are currently trying to adopt. We started the process in July and our home study should be approved with in two days. How long did you have to wait between approval and matching? How did you pass the time??


Like I said...we got lucky. We were actually matched within 2 weeks! You are on the right track, for me the homestudy was the longest part. I hope that you are on your way to a baby soon!


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## naturelady

Thank you both- if the offer for advice still stands, I know that I will reach out to each of you for help! I genuinely appreciate the offers you've made to help us on our journey! &#9829;


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## karenh

The offer stands. Adoption can be a long and windy road and it helps to have someone to bounce things off.


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## Trishg21

Offer always stands, and that goes for anyone going through the process! :hugs:


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