# I can't believe i feel like this.



## lovelylaura

So we had our scan today baby is perfect. It's our 3rd girl. But i just can't stop crying. This is it for us, no little boy. Never. We won't get to have our baby Elliot. My husband won't get to kick a ball around with him. There will be no one to carry on our family name. I won't get to decorate a room with blue or buy his first pair of football boots. 
I feel awful such an ungrateful cow. People long for babys and here i am wishing that we hadn't tried just one more time. I only wanted 2 children. But we both wanted to try again for a boy. And now our selfishness has been repayed. I knew i'd be disapointed but nothing like this. Please tell me im not alone. It gets better right? Everyone i know has got a boy and girl, but nope not us.
I just don't even know what to do with myself right now im a mess. I was so excited this morning feeling little kicks on the outside for the first time and now my horrible selfish thoughts has ruined what should be a beautiful day. I want a boy. I just wanted a boy.
I just want to curl up and make this go away. What if the baby knows? What if it will hate me because it will know that i desperately wanted a boy. 
Please don't tell me how horrible i am, i already know. I just need someone to tell me it will turn out all ok. Please just a little hope that all this will be ok.


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## Unexpected212

The baby won't know. As soon as she is here you will fall in love I promise.

I had really bad gender dissapointment with my son but as soon as he was born I was so in love with him it didn't matter anymore.

Plus it's about the 'person' more than the gender. Whats to say one of your girls won't love football? My cousin whose 11 is obsessed with football and boy stuff. 

I try to tell myself that it isn't the gender that matters, it's that little person, that character you and your husband have created. For example I was the girliest girl ever but my sister was a total tom boy and my dad always said it was like he got his boy in some ways lol.

I totally understand how you feel. When I found out I was having a boy I actually cried when I got home because I always wanted girls. I'm pretty sure this one is a boy too but I'm totally at peace with it now.

don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, what your feeling is pretty normal. It's saying goodbye to the dream of that little boy xx


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## lovelylaura

Thankyou so much im still a bit of a mess just hoping a good night sleep will help and sort my head out. I'm lucky that ive got 3 little healthy children i just wish i could shake this off. I'm normally so possitive. I think i was worrying so much about something being wrong that i didnt think enough about how i would feel with another girl. I'll be fine i have to be.


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## Unexpected212

It took me a few days to get over the disapointment when I found out I was having a boy. I felt terrible but I literally just couldn't help it. I knew that it was 50/50 but I'd just always imagined having girls and didn't think I'd have a boy.

Once I'd bought some clothes and it started to feel more 'real' I started to feel better about it and by the time he was born I was just so in love. I wouldn't swap him for anything.

This time I would love a girl but I will be happy with either but I'm sure I will still feel some dissapointment.

I can totally understand why you wanted a boy but just think how happy your girls will be. Sisters are amazing. My friend had 3 girls under 5 and they are all so close it's wonderful.


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## lovelylaura

Thankyou. I've got a tub of ben and jerry's and im going to indulge in some online shopping for her. I'm hoping seeing all the pink will help. 

I'm going to have 3 under 3 but only just if she's on time , hopefully they will all grow up really close and good friends. I'm the third of 3 girls, were not so close though so i think maybe thats part of my worry. That they may be like us although i think the big age gaps didn't help us as were all at such different stages its hard to relate to each other.

I think this is just something i will have to work through. Ive managed to realise it's not that i don't want a girl it's that i'll never have a boy. It's almost like im grieving for this ideal in my head. I'm sure i'll still get a bit teary until she's here though. I just hope it doesn't taint the rest of this pregnancy.

I really hope you get your little girl. :hugs:


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## Pearls18

I could write everything you have written but in reverse. I have two boys (an Elliot actually) I love them dearly, more than anything. But like you say it's not the "another" boy it's the "never" girl. Just as you picture not being able to buy the football boots, I am sad I will never buy my daughter a wedding dress. We always said we would have 2 children, I am tempted to try for a 3rd but I know realistically 3 would be hard on us and I'm not sure if I could handle the disappointment, I'm not sure yet. But I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel, I see families with a boy and a girl everywhere. It's strange seeing a mum of girls talking about wanting a boy it always feels like everyone wants girls, not even one of each, girls, which makes me sad. I was very detached in my pregnancy, but I have bonded so well with him, even with PND, I love him to pieces, because he isn't just a boy, he's my Joshua.


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## Misscalais

Aww :hugs:
I'm in the same situation but opposite gender, 3 boys for me, absolute last. I love all my boys but I wanted at least one of both gender. I'm sad about all the things we will miss out on. Ill never see my hubby have a daddy daughter relationship he so desperately wanted.
We are over the moon little man is healthy just sad we will never be the parents to a little girl.
It does get easier though, you're not horrible at all.


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## lovelylaura

Thankyou everyone, It's comforting to know im not alone in these feelings. Last night was awful. I woke up too many times to count, just crying. I do remember one of the first times i woke though and i had such a sense of calm almost excitement for her but it didnt last long. But it's there which is good just hiden. My girl's woke up alot last night too and i just couldn't deal with it i was too short and snappy with them, it not there fault but i just can't get myself together.
It's my husbands day off today so hopefully spending some time with him with help. I have to go back to hospital today for more bloods and i really don't want to. I don't want to go to the place that broke me not so soon anyway. I fucking hate having my bloods done too and this will be the 4th time this pregnancy, it's like i'm being punished im sure.
Really need to get myself together, i thought i'd wake up better almost normal but im just not there yet. I'm grateful for you all, being able to write this down is helping me. My husband had to work straight after and i was in bed when he came home last night so ive barely spoke to him, i know he's going to expect me to be over it so i just don't know how to tell him it will take time if not the whole pregnancy. I so wanted to enjoy this pregnancy it's the only one where i've felt good.
I had planned to go to mothercare today but im not sure i can. If i walk in and see those tiny little blue outfits i think it will be too much.


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## Unexpected212

That exactly it you've summed it up perfectly. It's not that you don't want the little girl your having, it's saying goodbye to the dream of that 'son' you always thought you'd have. I totally get that because it's exactly how I feel. If this one is a boy I will be happy but I will mourn the little girl I probably will never have. Although we will have a third that won't be until these 2 are at school and may well be another boy.

Thank you. Got 12 week scan today so I should get a look at the nub and have a pretty good idea whats on the way.

Feel free to vent. I think we've all felt how you have or are feeling that way. I remember crying in Toys R Us at the girls clothes and my husband totally didn't get it he thought I was being ungreatful.


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## Gizzyy

I'm still dissapointed that mines a girl too :( I was so hoping for a boy. I'm no good with pink frilly stuff but I'm sure I'll come to terms with it. I also feel guilty about feeling like this especially after a mc last year. I guess I'm not really a girly girl x


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## Sunseal

Don't feel bad, I think that deep down, in every pregnancy, every single person has a preference to what gender they have. Sometimes, people's preferences are stronger than others. What you're feeling is totally normal!
For example, I already have a little boy, he is almost 3, and as much as I loved the jeans and sweatshirts, now, I am longing for tights and dresses! I haven't found out the sex of this baby yet as I'm too early but I am wishing so so so hard for a girl. My partner (and I, actually) don't really want 3 kids, it's too many and we would have to upgrade everything.. so if I have a boy with this one.. that's it..no girl. And ever since I was a little girl myself, if I imagined myself with a child it was always a girl. I will be devastated if it's another boy


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## lovelylaura

Just wanted to let you all know im feeling much more positive now. The hospital wasn't too awful, they didn't need my bloods after all so it was a wasted journey but it wasn't as bad as i thought and actually with that being the last time (hopefully) i need to be there It will erase yesterdays. I had a few moments with some tears but im getting there. We went to my MIL's and i love her she is the most positive person ever. She didn't really mention it which is totally out of character but she did stop me the door and tell me it was lovely news gave me a hug and kiss and that was it. No more said. I think she felt my upset and didn't want to push me.
On the way home i saw a family with their son and a little girl in a pushchair. I have to admit i felt angry, angry that some people seem to have what i want so badly. And it just seems to be everywhere.
We did pop to sainsburrys and i mooched around the clothing hoping to pick out soemthing for her. Anything really just so i could look at it and think ok this is for MY baby, she will be a little person. But as i was looking at the babygrows, all little pink ones with cute little things on them i could see some dinosaur ones. I want those. I wanted to buy those not pink one's. I didn't buy any. It would always been a reminder of those, the one's i will never get to buy.
Having the day distracting myself has helped alot. My husband has been amazing. He hasn't told me im wrong not once. He held my hand in the car while i was sobbing. He understands. He will never get a boy either.
We have settled on a name so i'm hoping it will help feel attached to her. Eden Blaire R....... Eden we like and i found out its a name which came from edith which is my grandmothers name. Also its paradise, even though we are not religious it just feels a soothing meaning to me. Blair is my maiden name but i think its more feminine with a E. 

Hope your all well, I think i'll keep updating this just for people to see and relate to even if they don't comment. It's very soothing for me and i hope i come the full circle into loving and embracing her.


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## lovelylaura

Sunseal said:


> Don't feel bad, I think that deep down, in every pregnancy, every single person has a preference to what gender they have. Sometimes, people's preferences are stronger than others. What you're feeling is totally normal!
> For example, I already have a little boy, he is almost 3, and as much as I loved the jeans and sweatshirts, now, I am longing for tights and dresses! I haven't found out the sex of this baby yet as I'm too early but I am wishing so so so hard for a girl. My partner (and I, actually) don't really want 3 kids, it's too many and we would have to upgrade everything.. so if I have a boy with this one.. that's it..no girl. And ever since I was a little girl myself, if I imagined myself with a child it was always a girl. I will be devastated if it's another boy

I really hope you get that little girl. 3 was a push for us too. I was done after freya, i got rid of every baby related thing we had. Then we had a change of heart. :hugs:


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## Eleanor ace

:hugs:. You're not horrible and it WILL be OK. Once your DD is here and you get to know her you will be so glad that she came to you. I think it is really hard when LO isn't here yet because you don't have their little face to look in toand their little unique things that they do tht make you so glad they are them. All you have is the reminder that you aren't getting the little boy you've dreamed of. 
I would say, I have kept my family name (one of them), I played football with my dad (that's pretty much all I wanted to do from the age of 9 months to 9 years lol). If you want to paint LO's room blue, you can! If you want to dress her in dinosaur or otherwise boy themed clothes do it- DD is currently asleep in a dinosaur sleepsuit. I know that those things won't make up for not having a son, but don't feel that the world of "boy" things are closed to you.


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## Pearls18

Choosing a name really helped me also, it helped me picture HIM rather than another baby boy. I can't even go near the town we had our private scan in without remembering the disappointing experience we had there (we were told girl then 5 mins later he found the penis, thank goodness he found it then but it was still a rubbish experience to go through!)


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## lovelylaura

I'm feeling so much happier today. No tears at all. I still think about it a lot but it's not this awful dark feeling over me. Even ordered some little bits for her. Im much calmer about it. I used to play football and guns and more boys things than girly stuff when I was a child so there's nothing to say one of the girls won't be like that . I guess it's just got more of a time line of when it will end. I'm planning a home birth this time too so hopefully focusing on that will make it easier to connect and I'm hoping being in my own home I'll get that rush of love like I had with my other girls. Just taking one day at a time at the moment. Calling her Eden is helping no end. She's an actual person now.


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## Misscalais

Glad you're starting to feel better about it. I found once I started buying my little guy things I got more excited. I won't lie I still get the cranks when walking past the girl section and seeing patents with little girls. I hurts, probably always will but there's nothing I can do about it so I'm just really trying to focus on a new bub to love. We still haven't settled on names which is starting to annoy me, I just want him to have a name already. Hubby isn't helpful at all, he hasn't bonded with this pregnancy and really distanced himself from it really. He keeps saying ill think of something later, I don't want to choose a name yet blah blah. I've decided if he can't come up with anything I love them his name will be Boston, our other two boys think its a great name so I think that's what we will call him :)


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## lovelylaura

Thats a lovely name :), it must be harder if your OH is struggling with it too. I think it will always hurt too, but hopefully we will get some kind of acceptance at some point. I've found having a name has really helped make her a person not just a girl. Maybe getting your OH to commit to a name will help him too? I ordered a beautiful baby grow the other day it said it had a 5 week delay which was perfect for me enough time to really get excited but it came early. It really is lovely and i can't wait to put her in it and be in the garden in summer with her kicking about it in. I had a moment when my heart sank that it wasn't for a boy but im sure that will be less and less.


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## lau86

Congratulations on your girly! I went to a girls school and there were loads of sisters there, most of my friends were 3-4 sisters. Although they had silly arguments as teenagers they all seem to get on so well now. I have 2 brothers and the relationship is just not the same, it must be lovely for sisters to get together and gossip, go shopping etc. 
glad you are feeling better, I have 2 boys and felt quite down about having my second, which I felt horribly guilty about. My second is the most gorgeous baby so happy and easy to deal with he makes me so happy.


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## Julia35

You are not a bad person! I cried for 2 days when I found out this baby is a boy. I felt so guilty but I couldn't stop myself. I grieved over the little "Sophia" I won't ever have. It's ok, we truly understand your disappointment. Thankfully, it does get better in time!! Hugs!!


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## Julia35

Misscalais said:


> Glad you're starting to feel better about it. I found once I started buying my little guy things I got more excited. I won't lie I still get the cranks when walking past the girl section and seeing patents with little girls. I hurts, probably always will but there's nothing I can do about it so I'm just really trying to focus on a new bub to love. We still haven't settled on names which is starting to annoy me, I just want him to have a name already. Hubby isn't helpful at all, he hasn't bonded with this pregnancy and really distanced himself from it really. He keeps saying ill think of something later, I don't want to choose a name yet blah blah. I've decided if he can't come up with anything I love them his name will be Boston, our other two boys think its a great name so I think that's what we will call him :)

We are considering Boston for our little guy too. :)


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## lovelylaura

I'm having a hard couple of days. I even cried in public on my own because their was this beautiful little boy, he was just what i imagined. We keep going back and forward on names which isn't helping me really. I just want a boy i'm so scared that'll i'll never be done having children unless i get a boy. We really shouldn't have any more and even if we did have just one more it would always seem more so that this one wasn't what i wanted, and i don't want her to feel unwanted. I'm still hoping they were wrong and that at birth we get a little shock.


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## lovelylaura

Bad day.My sister had her baby today,she didnt know what she was having. Well she had a girl. Now she has one of each. It's brought back all of my bad feelings. I feel like a terrible person. I was getting to the point of being excited for my girl but now its been totaly stipped away. I'm in a very dark place at the moment. I do not want this baby. Lots of stupid things are going through my head. I need to write it down to hopefully clear my head. Please don't hate me or think im horrible im not , i love my girls sooo much but i just dont want this one, its too hard for me.I dont want to resent it but i know i will deep down. I just want to scream. why is everything so unfair. I have no one to talk to about this. It's starting to comsume me again the last few days its all i have been thinking about and i know it isnt my sisters fault obviously but its such bad timing. I'm not sure i'll be able to bring myself to go and see her. It's like our roles are reversed. She didnt come and see poppy for 6 weeks because she struggled to get preg with her first and it killed me that she didnt want to see my baby. How can i do that to her. sorry its so jumbled i just needed to get it out.


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## Unexpected212

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I had gender dissapointment with my son, of course as soon as he was born I wouldn't have swapped him for the world but every time someone had a girl or announced they were having one I felt so jealous.

I think with severe gender dissapointment such as feelings of not wanting the baby there is no harm in seeking counselling or speaking to a doctor or someone about how you are feeling. Could just be gender dissapointment or it could be the start of pre or post natal depression. There is nothing 'wrong' with how you are feeling. It's all very normal. But there is no harm in seeking out someone to speak to who might have dealt with similar previously like a counsellor. 

*hugs* I know how you feel I really do, but just remember it's not necessarily the 'gender' that matters it is that person and their personality. I mean you get plenty of tom boyish girls etc


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## Misscalais

Aww :(
I think the fact that they aren't here and we haven't got to know then yet that makes it harder to feel better about. I've had a few moments too, everyone else that is pregnant on my Facebook is having girls! It's like rubbing salt into an open wound! But I love my boy and just need him here so I can bond. When are you due? I've got 6 weeks to go.
My sister has one of each too, ( two different dads and she's not with either of them ) makes me feel ripped off. I love my sister to death and shouldn't be jealous of her but I am.
Anyway just want to send you some big hugs and I know you'll just love her when she comes.
Also I've figured out why my Hubby won't settle on a name, he told me he's holding into hope he'll come out a girl. So I put two and two together and I think once he sees that willy for real he will settle on a name there and then.


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## lovelylaura

I'm still holding onto hope that this is a boy, my pregnancy is completely different to my girls in every way. Silly i know but i duno it's hard to totally let go. I keep thinking about booking a scan just to double check. I think if once she's here i still feel crap i'll see the doctor but i'm clinging to hope that once she's here it'll be better. My other sister had boy girl boy girl. Totally sucks. I had to see my middle sister and my mum today they didnt bring up the new baby i think they know just to leave it for a bit. I'm feeling ok today, we've been busy so not focusing to much on it. Just under 14 weeks to go and then all of this will be over.


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## lovelylaura

Just thought I should come back and update. I will be honest and say that it was a very long pregnancy and I clung onto the hope that that got it wrong until the very end. Of course it wasn't and we now have baby Emily. I'm still finding it a little difficult but I only have to look at my older girls to know how wonderful she will become. I'm finding the constant question from strangers of 'are you going to have more then?' When they find out I have 3 girls very difficult and always reply no but I wish I had a better response really. I still get teary eyes when I think too much about it. Last night my husband told me how he really struggled too but didn't want to upset me more so didn't say anything incase it made it worse for me. I'm not really sure why I've come back but I felt I should, just so that everyone else going through this knows they are not alone. I don't have much connection with her at the moment but once that comes hopefully I'll be able to be over this whole journey.


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## emily3399

lovelylaura said:


> Just wanted to let you all know im feeling much more positive now. The hospital wasn't too awful, they didn't need my bloods after all so it was a wasted journey but it wasn't as bad as i thought and actually with that being the last time (hopefully) i need to be there It will erase yesterdays. I had a few moments with some tears but im getting there. We went to my MIL's and i love her she is the most positive person ever. She didn't really mention it which is totally out of character but she did stop me the door and tell me it was lovely news gave me a hug and kiss and that was it. No more said. I think she felt my upset and didn't want to push me.
> On the way home i saw a family with their son and a little girl in a pushchair. I have to admit i felt angry, angry that some people seem to have what i want so badly. And it just seems to be everywhere.
> We did pop to sainsburrys and i mooched around the clothing hoping to pick out soemthing for her. Anything really just so i could look at it and think ok this is for MY baby, she will be a little person. But as i was looking at the babygrows, all little pink ones with cute little things on them i could see some dinosaur ones. I want those. I wanted to buy those not pink one's. I didn't buy any. It would always been a reminder of those, the one's i will never get to buy.
> Having the day distracting myself has helped alot. My husband has been amazing. He hasn't told me im wrong not once. He held my hand in the car while i was sobbing. He understands. He will never get a boy either.
> We have settled on a name so i'm hoping it will help feel attached to her. Eden Blaire R....... Eden we like and i found out its a name which came from edith which is my grandmothers name. Also its paradise, even though we are not religious it just feels a soothing meaning to me. Blair is my maiden name but i think its more feminine with a E.
> 
> Hope your all well, I think i'll keep updating this just for people to see and relate to even if they don't comment. It's very soothing for me and i hope i come the full circle into loving and embracing her.


oh my days I am actually crying reading this knowing EXACTLY how you feel and I haven't even had my gender scan yet.... I have people who have one of each and more tell me its ok aslong as its healthy one of these being my sister in particular and im like wtf do you know you have a son and 2 daughters how do you know how I am feeling ..... I genuinely cant express how much I totally understand how you feel for every pink baby grow theres something cuter in blue etc... Ive booked my gender scan for 27th august but instead of being excited im actually crapping myself im so anxious and scared to the point where I don't want to go don't want to find out but I know it would eat me alive not knowing x


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## emily3399

Misscalais said:


> Glad you're starting to feel better about it. I found once I started buying my little guy things I got more excited. I won't lie I still get the cranks when walking past the girl section and seeing patents with little girls. I hurts, probably always will but there's nothing I can do about it so I'm just really trying to focus on a new bub to love. We still haven't settled on names which is starting to annoy me, I just want him to have a name already. Hubby isn't helpful at all, he hasn't bonded with this pregnancy and really distanced himself from it really. He keeps saying ill think of something later, I don't want to choose a name yet blah blah. I've decided if he can't come up with anything I love them his name will be Boston, our other two boys think its a great name so I think that's what we will call him :)

this is also one of my fears that OH wont bond with the pregnancy either if its a girl hes told me I can get everything for it if its a girl and I can choose the name so im having to fight my disappointment so hard and trying to convince myself that I wont be sad if its a girl and so feel alone because he doesn't want a girl and I don't want a girl but its not our choice and we will just have to deal with it .... I know in time we will adjust its just like others have said the pain is not for what we have but for what we wont have and that's what hurts the most :(


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