# Venting club, are all the people who need to let off steam.



## mummy2o

From time to time, we all need to have a good rant about life and how its getting us down. So I wanted to start a new thread purely to rant in. People can feel free to rant in here and I will always give you the time of day to reply and respond, although I have to admit it won't be instantly as apparently I'm only human. I won't judge you, never have judge people and never will, I will listen give you advice or just a big hug when needed.

From time to time I guess I'll vent on here to, so if you can return the favour that's great. The only rule I have is no pregnancy announcements as its annoying enough on all the other forums and it can really get some people down if they have been LTTTC or TTCAL. So please girls get ranting :D


----------



## Topanga053

No rants right now because I love, love, LOVE this!!!!

I'm sure I'll be on here soon enough!!


----------



## cloves

I love this. I have one rant. I had a miscarriage in January. It took us 7 months to get pregnant. I have one friend I can't talk to, because every time I do she tells me it is all God's plan for me. Even after I told her I have low progesterone and that is why I am having struggles. It just annoys me.


----------



## markswife10

Just one vent... I WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN ALREADY!!!!! Annoyed that it is almost 6 months since the miscarriage and annoyed with the 2WW and BFN's (even though it is only 8dpo at most).

There, I feel better now. :blush:


----------



## mummy2o

Cloves, I bet that can be annoying. I don't blame the fact your avoiding her. Especially since you have science behind you. I guess that is that with some people, who don't believe that science have any part of every day life. I'm sure that you'll be pregnant again soon and it will be sticky.

Markswife, I hear you! I've just started my TWW this cycle and one of my blood tests have come back high, not sure what it all means as I can't see the doctor until Tuesday at the earliest and if its one doctor I won't get any answers as he seems more concerned about my OH's weight! But although these bloods are high, I got pregnant once before with them being high then, it could happen again. I'm sure we'll be lucky this month. Just need to remain positive.


----------



## Topanga053

Markswife, I totally hear you!!! I am at the 6 month mark myself and it's agony. It took us two months to get pregnant last time and we're now on our fifth cycle post-miscarriage. Every BFN is soooo much harder post-MC. I try to remind myself that eventually this time will feel like it was over in the blink of an eye, but right now every month/week/day is an eternity. At this point, I really can't imagine ever seeing a BFP again, let alone having a healthy pregnancy!


----------



## JohnsonGirl

Love this!! Thanks mummy2o!
My good friend from uni and his wife have announced her pregnancy. All my friends are so excited about the first baby in our group and I just want to cry my eyes out because it should have been me! That probably sounds selfish and petty but I'm so sad. I never told them about my 12 week mmc, just couldn't cope with the discussion and their faces- I'm normally the strong one!
Anyway, there you have it. I know it will get better- it has to! But my normal positive attitude has gone on vacation!!


----------



## mummy2o

Johnsongirl, that highly sucks. I think there is a massive taboo about miscarrying. I'm sure if you pull your friend to one side and explained everything in brief that they would be more than accommodating for your needs. You've had a loss, and its alright to be said. No matter how much time has passed, it will never be 100% better, but it does get easier. So if you need to avoid them for a bit, I'm sure they'll understand.


----------



## Topanga053

Aww Johnson, I'm so sorry! That's so difficult. If it were me, I would want them to know. I think your friends are going to be more sensitive if they know what you've been through. Really, I've found that people are amazing once I open up to them about my pain. All of my friends have been really sensitive.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's such an awful thing to have to deal with announcements when we're still processing our own grief. We're all here for you if you need to vent away!! xoxo


----------



## Pinkcasi

Oh i love a good rant! if you can shout this when yoou read it that's perfect.

Ok so as you might know from other threads i spotted for 4 days CD25-28 i was confused and i hope it was ov bleeding despite the lak of +opk, started spotting again last night and this mornig AF is here in full force packing 5 suit cases and the kitchen sink! im angry! and annoyed and to be honest im freaking pissed off!!! i know it was deluded of me to think that it might all mean something the early spotting Oh maybe ov bleeding or implantation more likely it's just my f-up body's way of taunting me!
it's been 6 months since the MC, that's half a freaking year ladies, it's not long i know in the scheme of things but half a f'ing year!
Im tired, so totally exhausted i really am tired of the peeing on sticks and the counting and checking and the fighting with my OH because im so stressy and up tight all the time it's driving me insane and lets be honest i didn't have far to go.
every month i do this i freak out when AF comes than i pull myself togther and try to be all positive 'this cycle will be better' but it's all bull! it's just total crap and im tired of it, i dont even know if i ovulating!
If anyone comes back and says anything about god's will or 'you will appriciate it more when it happens' or 'your time will come' then i swear i will throw this PC out the window.

Thanks for listening love this thread :thumbup:


----------



## Topanga053

HAHAHA I HATE the lines about "it's God's will" (DH said that to me once and I said God was a jerk) or "it will happen" or any other blithe response people use when they don't know what to say. Personally, I don't like them because they don't acknowledge what you're feeling NOW. It's like patting a sick child on the head and sending them to bed. 

6 months sucks. I'm right there with you, Pink. I know it's not a long time in the long run (hey, law school took me three years and now it feels like that time FLEW by!!!), but it SUCKS right now. It feels like a whole lot of wasted time.

Why aren't you sure if you're ovulating? Are you using OPKs/charting?

If I were you and I wasn't sure if I was ovulating, I'd call my doctor. No sense driving yourself crazy TTC if you're not ovulating. At 6 months, I'm sure a lot of doctor's would be willing to see you. If there IS a problem with your ovulation, a small dose of Clomid might be all you need to get your BFP! And if you ARE ovulating, then at least you'll have professional confirmation to put your mind somewhat at ease.


----------



## Pinkcasi

I dont know it's just that i havent gotten a + this month, I only use OPK's i dont temp ...yet... i got a positive OPK on 1st Jan, but i dont know if i did ov or not then as this cycle is all screwed up i just have a bad feeling about it. I ordered a fertility test off the internet just to see before i go to the dr, in the UK apparently if you havent been trying for year they're not particularly helpful, i snet my OH a text and said that i had ordered this test and that there are male ones too and woould he do it if i ordered one and his reply 'im not doing that S**t' i just kicked off completely cue the tears and tanturms, i've just spent all morning running to the loo cos i cant help but burst into tears (and im in work) but my oh just says it's because i stress myself out, than he says that he's fine which really riles me as he does have a son with someone else so chances are that if there's a problem it's totally me, then he says 'why would you panic me like that' like it's all my fault im deliberately trying to scare him into thinking he's got a problem, that's not what im doing i just feel like everything is spinning out of my control and i need to do something to keep hold of it.
I realise im totally mental, i just tried to make a drs appointment as a normal person doesn't cry as much o as ofen as i do and i have a history of Depression and anxiety and i think im going insane, but they dont have any appt' unless it's a 'medical emergency' and i dont know that mentalness counts it's ok thoough im being silly i dont need to sethe Dr i need to pull myself together, im just freaking out becaus AF came today i'll get over it and be fine again, i refuse to allow this to sprial.

Sorry for the wall of text again, and the general rantiness, if my OH knew i was bitching about him on the world wide web he would be annoyed but where else do i go?!?!


----------



## Topanga053

You're not mental. This is a crazy, emotional time for all women. You've been through a lot the last several months and its normal that its difficult to handle at times.

As for temping, I would start doing it. If you're not sure if you're Oing, temping is wonderful confirmation. OPKs are great, but they are not foul proof. You can ovulate and never test positive and you can not ovulate and test positive. Temping is a great way to cross check your OPK results.

As far as your OH, you're right to rule out that possibility. Men are just as likely to have fertility problems as women. The fact that he has a child already doesn't mean he can't have a problem. My dad was diagnosed with low sperm motility and ... well, still had me! Men with fertility problems can still have children. It can't hurt to rule that out as a possibility! It sounds like he's scared what the results could show, so I would reassure him that it's no big deal and its just a normal test to rule out possible problems or fix them if necessary!

I would be careful about ordering tests online though. Just make sure they're credible and not companies playing on your fear and desperation!


----------



## mummy2o

Topanga: I totally agree with you. My OH always uses it will happen when it happens and I'm in tears and needing a hug. Unsensitive git that he is. But I do agree with you both that having waited 6months it is annoying as hell. Only positive I get my blood results hopefully back tomorrow and we can see what is up.

Pinkcasi: I'm sorry AF got you again. I can understand how frustrating it is and I too would like to shut out the world until I got pregnant again. I think men don't get the same problem as we do. We feel like our bodies have failed and I guess men, never want to feel like that as they'll be somewhat less manly. If I was you I would go and see my gp. They are great most of the time. At least just to put your mind at ease that there is nothing wrong with you. About the depression just try and keep yourself busy. Take up a new hobby if you want, read a book or just dance around to some cheesy music. All good fun


----------



## Pinkcasi

Oh i odnt know, if you met me you would think im loco a well.

I've thought about temping but i dont know about having to do it first thing before you get up and at the same time everyday, i dont wake up at the same time every day it all seems a bit too much i was hoping i could get by without it but i am getting dangerously close to desperate.

Youre right he is totally scared that it's him as i am that it's me, but i think it's better to know, he's a bit underweight like i mean he's so skinny im totally jealous of him, he just cant put weight on at all, i know that this can effect the sperm count alos he's a chef and works by a hot stove all day this too effect the sperm, but i cant tell him that im worried tht it's him i mean he does have a child and i did get pregnant so chances are that im over reacting right, i need to chill out, it's only been 6 months tha'ts nothng right??!?!?!!?!

I might still call the Dr tomorrow see if i can get into see someone if only just to calm me down my anxiety is through the roof just now..


----------



## cloves

I started temping this summer when I started TTC. I have an alarm set so I wake up to take my temp. Most of the time I fall back to sleep afterwards and write the number down later. Sometimes it sucks being a woman.


----------



## Topanga053

Gah another one of my old classmates announced her pregnancy on FB. I barely knew her, so it doesn't upset me as much as when it's someone I'm closer to, but still... seriously. I am SO TIRED of all of the announcements. I block people once they announce, but I can't preemptively block the announcements. It's so unfair. I'm supposed to have announced ages ago. Hell, I'm supposed to be giving birth in three weeks! When is it going to be my turn??? When do I get to make a cute announcement and post ultrasound photos and plan a nursery?? When are people going to be talking about my baby shower and asking me when I'm due??? Why does EVERYONE ELSE get it first??????


----------



## mummy2o

I'm sorry Topanga that another person is yet pregnant. At the moment my facebook is rather quiet as most my friends are single guys and only a couple are pregnant. I think overall I'm happy for everyone on facebook. But I wasn't happy with the receptionist at my dr's who had a lovely bum growing. Then on top of the my bloods came back fine! So its like what the hell, why can't I get pregnant. It's surely not rocket science. I'm currently in my TWW and having a strange salt taste in my mouth and I'm not trying to get that as a symptom as I don't want to get my hopes up as when AF comes I'll be most highly disappointed. Just stress and frustration for me today.


----------



## Pinkcasi

:hugs::hugs: For Topanga, i know what you mean it sucks the big one, I try to stay away from my pregnant friends, one of my best friends is atthe moment but thankfully she doesn't go on abut it on FB, i do have a friend tho who is constantly putting pics and sayings and what not, 'like if you love you daughter' 'like if you have the best family ever' in like Eugh just F off!!!

My stress of the day, my manager just gave us a warning, someone at work has just come back after being off with Shingles and someone has gone off sick with it, so she warned us and then looked at me and said 'also it can affect pregnant women' im like yeah cheers dont have to worry there!


----------



## Starry Night

I'm so glad for this thread!

My major vent is that my AF came 2 flippin' weeks early!!!! It's almost over now but I hate that it's been 4 months since the miscarriage and my cycles are still broken. It's like my body's not healing won't let my heart heal either.


----------



## Pinkcasi

Sorry starry I know what you mean it's been 6 months for me and I still have no clue what's going on with my cycles.


----------



## george83

I'm so utterly p***ed that I'm having to go back to work on Thursday after having a mmc. I'm a teacher and last week was my half term I was planning on catching up on all my paperwork as I'm so far behind and instead I've spent all week under a quilt on my sofa feeling sorry for myself but I know I'm now going to go back to work with everybody hassling me for things. They all think I've been off with flu and its only going to take so much before I turn around and lose it at somebody and shout 'My baby just f***ing died do you think I give a s**t about the paperwork you want'. I want to stay at home forever with my little toddler and tell the whole world to f**k off.

Sorry ladies not aimed at any of you, your such amazing people, guess I'm not coping too well today


----------



## Starry Night

:hugs:

It's normal to feel angry. This is a safe place to let it out.


----------



## Pinkcasi

How you feel is perfectly normal, I'm 6 months on and I still feel like shit most days, perhaps you need to tell people at work so they can understand and give you some space. So sorry for your loss x


----------



## george83

Pinkcasi said:


> How you feel is perfectly normal, I'm 6 months on and I still feel like shit most days, perhaps you need to tell people at work so they can understand and give you some space. So sorry for your loss x

My boss does know but I don't think it will make much difference she's not a people person and I really can't cope with other people knowing and all the pitying looks, maybe when we've moved on a bit but at the minute it's too fresh, thanks for the support though ladies, I couldn't cope without this website :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## Pinkcasi

That's fair enough I know what you mean everyone knew at work as they guessed I was pregnant so when I lost it I had to tell everyone and it was awful like you say the pitying looks and people ignoring you cos they don't know what to say or stupid people that say hi you ok? And I just wana say no I'm not f*ing ok! But it gets easier at the beginning you just wana be in a bubble soon enough you'll want to share just try to do it in a controlled way not freaking out xx


----------



## mummy2o

Starry: my early period kicked my cycles back to normal. So you never know the same could be going on with you. My bloods also came back clear so I guess whatever it was is fine now. Just some positive thinking is needed. This will be your month.

George: Your half term is late. We had ours a couple of weeks ago. I can understand the stress and the paperwork. Just try and keep it together and you can vent in here if need me. Do you have any miscarriage support groups where you are? It could be helpful.


----------



## Starry Night

I really hope you're right, mummy!


----------



## Topanga053

Ladies, sorry, but ANOTHER pregnancy announcement on Facebook today. This one went to grad school with me and is probably about 6 mos along. She posted a pic of her bump and I just completely lost it. I ran to the bathroom before DH's grandmother could see I was crying lol. 

Seriously, MOST of my friends/Facebook friends are pregnant now or have babies. I DON'T UNDERSTAND why it's soooooo easy for everyone else and I had to lose by precious angel and now it's taking forever to get pregnant again. Most days I can deal with the heart ache of not being pregnant (although it sucks), but CONSTANTLY seeing one announcement after another is just too much. Why EVERYONE ELSE and not me???

My heart is just breaking right now... I want her adorable bump so badly...


----------



## Pinkcasi

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Sorry


----------



## Starry Night

:hug:


----------



## Left wonderin

Hello all, finally a place free of announcements and a place to have a good ol rant ! Right now I want to do some serious damage to the OH who thinks we are trying too hard when I told him about trying SEMP tonight as I'm loosing all faith in o/v testing . Fecking smiley faces turning up , disappearing and reappearing days later WTF !!! Anyway his reaction was " not another gimmick " he proceeded to count the amount of children in his family that have been born without any help !! Really sensitive I say !! Anyway think just to really annoy him I'm going to start temping as we'll as everything else !!! 

;)


----------



## Topanga053

He should love it! It's not another "gimmick"... it's just lots of sex!!! That is, after all, how you get pregnant! ;-)

My DH gave me a hard time at first too, but now he just plays along. Lol he's always like, "is tonight one of the nights we have to have sex?" Not super romantic, but I don't care... I just need his swimmers! ;-)


----------



## Starry Night

I'm tired of all the spotting!!!! Every AF since the miscarriage has had about 4 days of spotting beforehand and several after. It's just so frustrating!! One, it's gross. Two, how on earth is a baby supposed to implant and grow when I prematurely start shedding lining??


----------



## Pinkcasi

Left wonderin, I know what you mean my oh is the same he says I put too much pressure on him to 'perform' they just don't get it do they.

Starry, sorry you're suffering but it will settle down it just takes a while.

My rant is that I'm past ranting I'm done I've gone over the edge, went to the dr yesterday and he put me back on antidepressants, I really didnt want to do it it makes me feel weak but I'm at the end of my tether, apparently the pills he's prescribed are the safest and best if you're pregnant or ttc so that makes me feel a bit better, so I'm off work as well I just feel so stressed out I need to have some time to relax, plus the anxiety can get worse before it gets better while the pills are kicking in.
Having a baby is probably not a good idea, I can't even look after myself how can I look after a baby!


----------



## Avas_mum

This is such a great thread! I had a MC in Dec and It seems like everyone I know is expecting. I am sick of feeling like crap immediately after ovulating, I am sick of the countdown to whether AF is going to show up and I'm sick of not being able to think of anything else in the TWW. Just got AF and so thankful I am on holiday and don't have to put the fake happy face on at work. Rant over, nice to have that off my chest.

On to the next month...


----------



## mummy2o

I really don't think men get it all. The only upset my OH gets more sex than normal so he's quite content, although at the moment he's hurt himself, no idea how, so can't dtd. Luckly I've already ovulated last weekend so all is good for me. But they seriously don't understand how much pressure on is put on us to produce them a kid. There is such a tiny window at the best of time, they should just jump at the chance. Besides isn't it us who do all the temping, poas, popping pills like its going out of fashion. Its the one job they have to do yet whine about it.

Pinkcasi: Don't worry that your depressed. I think anyone would be in your shoes. I know I am, although I refuse to take any pills. If you want so positive news my cousin managed to have a kid with bi polar. So that was an interesting pregnancy, but once born it has stabilised her mood no end.


----------



## Topanga053

mummy2o said:


> Besides isn't it us who do all the temping, poas, popping pills like its going out of fashion. Its the one job they have to do yet whine about

HAHAHA this made me laugh SOOO hard!!!! Probably because its 5:30am and I'm awake after getting up to temp and do an OPK. When DH complains that he's tired, I always say at least he doesn't have to wake up at 5:30am every morning to take his temp and pee on a stick! 

You're right--having sex is the easy, fun part. It's crazy that they complain about it!!


----------



## Starry Night

Yeah, I don't get it either. Right now, my DH is still very much on board but we always have lots of sex so TTC doesn't really change our patterns. There just happens to be a few days where I insist it has to be that particular day. But sometimes I do that outside of TTC as well.

My rant today is OT. Today my DH got an email from someone we know and she accused him of being a fake. :growlmad: It was so stupid and uncalled for. He was able to defend himself in the example she had given but I'm furious that someone would right away look for the worst in someone who is always so kind and sincere. :growlmad::growlmad::growlmad: I thought she was a friend too.


----------



## mummy2o

Starry :hugs: I don't understand why people do that. They say what comes around goes around so maybe her future won't be to bright in the near future.


----------



## Starry Night

Thanks. I truly don't wish ill on her. She's been kind in other ways. I just don't get why people see someone else do something and then think "Oh, they must have done that for a selfish reason or either were lying about it". It's next to impossible to judge motives in another person. Sometimes you just take people at face value or assume the best until you have evidence to the contrary.


----------



## Left wonderin

Humans can be funny creatures sometimes but who knows what is going on in their lives or their heads :/


----------



## Starry Night

No kidding. I'm really trying to forget it especially as it wasn't against me personally. Still hard though. At least this person came to DH directly and didn't gossip around first.


----------



## Topanga053

Ok, here's my vent for the morning:

I'm pissed. Just pissed. I'm 10dpo and just had a huge temp drop and feel AFish and I'm pissed.

This is our 5th cycle post-MC and our first cycle on Clomid. I am emotional exhausted, bitter, lonely, and sad. I am SOOO tired of trying month after month and dealing with the corresponding heartbreak while I see my friends' healthy newborns and watch woman after woman here and in real life get pregnant. 

I am supposed to be 38 weeks pregnant this week. I'm supposed to have a huge belly and a pretty nursery. Instead, I still have a flat belly and an empty heart.

This wasn't supposed to be so heartbreaking. It wasn't supposed to turn me into a sad, bitter old shrew (which I swear I'm not normally!!) and it wasn't supposed to turn my sex life into dutiful, mechanical sex.

And it wasn't supposed to take so long. A couple of months? Sure. Next month is 1 year since we started TTC with nothing to how for it, but a flat stomach and an absolutely broken heart.

/end rant


----------



## Left wonderin

Oh Topanga I feel for you ( but well ranted I must say , the emotions jumped off the page !)it's crap , and must be really hard time right now as you come nearer your due date. The next couple of weeks are bound to be tough on you . I'm dreading mine already and it's not till June . Go do something nice for yourself that isn't remotely baby related, have a manicure , facial , get your hair done , it might help xxxxx


----------



## Left wonderin

Just realised I'm also almost a year ttc with nothing to show but a heartbreaking experience . Oh and new bnb friends who are great support xx


----------



## Starry Night

Topanga - I am angry and pissed too. Let's start a club! I am being so evil to everyone. I had my vent yesterday but I wonder if I would have gotten as mad if it hadn't been for my loss? I have this anger always underneath the surface and every tiny thing upsets my delicate balance.

I know I have a kid already and I should just let this go. I know how lucky I am to have one. Yet I still hurt so deeply.


----------



## mummy2o

:hugs: girlies. I've been TTC for a year to now Topanga so I know how frustrating it especially since all you ever see on threads yay I got a BFP 1 month after my m/c i the get angry then cry and my OH is least sympathetic about it. He can't deal with me crying at the best of times, let alone over something silly like that as he puts it. My due date is around my son's birthday so I'll be busy then, its in a month. Doesn't time go quick!

Starry: although we both have kids doesn't mean we don't want more, mine is with a new partner as well who doesn't even have kids so I feel a lot of pressure to give him one. I get so upset each month when AF comes, she's due in a week and I'm already dreading it. Oh well can vent to you all here :D


----------



## Pinkcasi

So sorry topanga I don't have any encouraging words for you as I feel esactly the same and it sucks! 
My rant of the day is that my sister says that I shouldn't try for a baby as I suffer with depression and 'is it fair to bring a child into that?' 'If you can't cope with normal life how you guna cope with a baby' it's like ffs don't you think I worry about that every day don't you think I feel guilty for wanting this, I don't need you reinforcing my worst fears when my anxiety is at an all time high!


----------



## Topanga053

Thank you ladies!!!! I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to have a good vent to women who actually understand what I'm feeling. You ladies are really what makes this whole journey somewhat bearable. I would be lost without you all! It's crazy, I know we've never met, but I've really come to care about you. I feel like we're all close because of the experiences we've shared. So, Left, you're right!

Starry- I hear you. I get really angry too. I KNOW that I have lot of anger since the loss simmering under the surface. Somedays it really scares me.

Mummy- I know how you feel. I'm happy the others got their rainbow, but I don't understand why it has to happen for them right away while I have to move into my SIXTH cycle. This process is just constantly unfair. Re your DH: I hear you. Mine does NOT understand why new pregnancy announcements make me cry. In his words, "it doesn't affect you." But it sure FEELS like it does!

Pink- Hun, a lot of women have depression and are AMAZING mothers. Don't let your sister get to you.


----------



## Starry Night

Pink - I often suffer from depression and anxiety and my little guy is very happy and you can tell he knows he is loved. You just need to keep on finding ways to take care of yourself. Don't listen to people who A) never struggled to have a baby and B) never struggled with depression. They just don't get it and don't have the authority to say what you can and can not do or how you should feel.


----------



## Topanga053

Well said, Starry!


----------



## Left wonderin

Pink don't listen to a word ! Listening to that nonsense would send anyone's anxiety through the roof ! You will make a wonderful mum one day (soon) so don't give up hope and let small minded people effect you . Concentrate on what you know in your heart and in finding ways to mind yourself along this difficult journey . We are all here for you x 

Ps I got another smiley face this am that 4 in a row !!! I'll turn into a sex adicit !!


----------



## mummy2o

Pink as the others have said don't listen to your sister. Lots of women have depression and raise a kid and do a good job at it. My gran raised my mum and uncle fine and she had bi polar all her life. If she listened to people about not having kids, I probably wouldn't be here. As long as you have a good support system in place you'll have no problem. 

My rant for today is why does my OH have to be such a teenager about bedtime. He games until 3-6am then doesn't get up until 10am-1pm the following day. It drives me mad. He wakes me up when coming to bed as he insists in cuddling me to help fall asleep but he's freezing and I'm lovely and warm. I then moan at him as I've been woken up and then he wonders why I'm in a piss with him the following day, especially when its closed to AF and PMT has kicked in. He has his own studio (he's a game developer) so he believes working from home he can set his own bedtime. I've told him he'll have to get up at a sensible time when he had kids, which he does do when my son is over so I'll give him that. My son doesn't stay over that much since he lives with his grandparents during the week as his school his on their doorstep and it will be a 30 minute drive for me in the morning to get him there, so it makes more sense as we moved half way through the school term and since he's autistic and the school is brilliant for him we decided to keep him then, upsetting his routine. We're trying to find some where closer, but it being a tiny village there is hardly any housing. Anyway I guess I just want to know I can depend on my OH at the end of the day to look after any kids we might have together.


----------



## mummy2o

Just took a pregnancy test as I was so sure all the symptoms where really this month, another BFN. I guess AF will show up happy in a couple of days. Hopefully will get my BFP next month or all hell will be breaking loose. I just can't cope with negative after negative each month. On the plus side got into clear blue study trial for a new product so hopefully it will arrive before AF shows so I get to use that next month. If still a BFN, OH promised I could use fertilitea. Still annoying a BFN though :(


----------



## Topanga053

I am so, so sorry, Mummy. :-( It is so difficult to cope with negative after negative each month, like you said. Every month I wonder how I'll get the strength to do it again. Going into this process, I had no idea how heartwrenching and exhausting it could be. Of course I'm hoping that AF doesn't show for you, but if she does, I hope that you can start fertilitea and that next month is your month. We all deserve for this to end! :hugs:


----------



## Left wonderin

Hi mummy sorry you think the witch is on her way , errrr . Can I ask what is fertiletea ? If AF gets me this month which I fully expect although only 3Dpo I'll chart and temp. Can I also ask where do he buy your Opk tests , which are best as smiley face ones are so expensive and I'm looking for an alternative :)


----------



## Topanga053

Hey left! I buy my OPKs at Target. I buy a generic brand. You have to dip the stick in a cup (eww), but they're $16 for a package of 20. It's the best value I've found so far (even better than WalMart) and they work great!

FertiliTea is a tea that contains red raspberry leaf and Vitex (Chasteberry). It's supposed to help prepare your body for pregnancy (tone your cervix), as well as regulate your cycles and increase your progesterone. I've read some reviews that it can have an adverse affect in women who's cycles are normal otherwise (i.e. increase cycle length or affect ovulation timing). I used it last month before I started Clomid. It didn't change my cycle (I O'd on the same day, similar temps, etc), although a progesterone test confirmed that I did, in fact, ovulate that month and the tea made me feel much more relaxed and balanced. It might have been a placebo effect, but it was nice!

Another girl here (Tasha S) got pregnant her first month using the tea, as did some of her friends/family members. A lot of the reviews on-line say the same thing. I asked my doctor about it and she said it's safe to use as there are no ingredients in there that can hurt you, although you are supposed to stop taking it if you get pregnant. 

It's not too expensive-- about $14 on Amazon. They say it's only a one month's supply, but I drank 2 cups every day last month and have more than half the bag left, so it will probably last you 2-3 months.


----------



## cloves

I have a vent today. I was talking to my friend the other day. She got pregnant about the sometime I had my miscarriage. She has had cramps, but no bleeding. She said to me if I have faith I will not lose the baby, because I know that God wants me to have one. It was like a stab to the chest. I just wish people would think before they talked.


----------



## Left wonderin

Ah cloves sorry about your insensitive friend :( sometimes people just don't think before they speak ! Topanga I live in Ireland so we don't have a target unfortunately . Biggest chemist is called boots and they don't stock a great range for us ladies ttc ! Maybe I'll check out the Internet anyone any advise on this re Opk tests. 

Mmm just had a cup,of tea and it turned my stomach ..... I swear I'm not SS ;) 

Other news my friend who is ttc for 5 years with poly cystic ovs had her first transfer of two blastocysts , I hope it works out for her . She has had a rough time of it over the past years . Here 20year old sister died of cancer two years ago , she could do with some good things happening in her life . Fx,d for her xx


----------



## Topanga053

Cloves, that's just absurd and I'm so sorry she said that to you. It's just one of those things that only women who have had a loss can understand. Did you say anything to her? I would have said, "Oh, so you think that God wanted me to lose MY baby?" But then again, I'm just getting tired of the stupid things people say!

Left, definitely praying for your friend!! How unbelievably awful for her. She will be in my thoughts and prayers. It's so easy to get so bitter during this process and forget that so many women going through this journey have even greater struggles to deal with...


----------



## Left wonderin

Thanks Topanga every time I talk to her I am reminded to count my blessings :)


----------



## mummy2o

Left I'm from the UK. I got my ovulation tests on ebay. Just ic but you buy like 40 for roughly £4 plus postage and normally a couple of tests in with it. Like Topanga's its peeing in a cup and checking the line is darker. But you get what you pay for. The fertilitea on the other hand is more expensive at £25 off amazon. I can't do it until I complete the clear blue trial for a new ovulation product. I'm hoping it comes before my period, otherwise I need to wait another month! I hope your friend gets pregnant she sounds like she needs good news.

Cloves: I agree with the others that it is terrible to say to you. If it was me I'd probably told her where to go, but then again I wanted to punch a pregnant woman in Ikea the other day as she was annoying me and I didn't even know her!

AFM I had a bloody long nap today and still tired. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I hate waiting -.-


----------



## Starry Night

I hate the stomach flu!!!


cloves - that's rough. "if you have faith". ha! As if miscarriages are direct results of lack of faith, too much stress, worrying, etc.


----------



## cloves

Yeah, I was annoyed. I told her I didn't have a miscarriage because lack of faith. I just don't think I will hang out with her much. All she has done is complain since she got pregnant and I just want to tell her at least you are still pregnant, you should be grateful. 
Starry I hate the stomach flu too.


----------



## mummy2o

Starry: Last time I had flu I managed to get pregnant. If your ovulation get to the BD as you never know.

Cloves: That is annoying. Just tell her that, if she says anything she has no right to complain. I did that to a friend once and got told I was selfish and didn't understand their feelings. My reply was do you understand mine? Soon shut her up.


----------



## Hopefulagain

I want to vent too...well, it's more of a confession. If I had not delivered at 21 weeks back in December I'd be 8 months pregnant right now preparing for my maternity leave (which I obviously have already taken). Whenever I see a pregnant woman (like the one in my class at the gym) I want so badly to run up to them and tell her my story. But then I'm reminded of the fact that I don't know these people and I can't just run up to strangers and tell them, basically, "good luck with that...didn't work out so well for me." But a small part of me wants to scare them a little bit so they will understand the reality that pregnancy does not always result in coming home with a live, healthy baby and to really appreciate their blessing. Is that mean :blush:... Why can't I just let these women blindly enjoy their pregnancies? I was one of them with our first daughter, why do I want to rain on their parades just because reality hit me in the face with my second baby? Losing a child may never happen to them but I just can't shake the idea that if this happened to me then it can happen to anyone.


----------



## Topanga053

My vent for the day is that I hate the person I have become. I have always prided myself on being a strong, calm, rational, intelligent person. Before this, I was almost always happy. When something bad happened to me, I would be upset/disappointed for a day or two, and then bounce back to being happy and grateful for the blessings that I did have. Growing up, my mom would always say that she was envious of my ability to always be so happy and find the silver lining in everything.

After crying because DH was not ready to TTC for several months when I was and feeling like it meant he did not love me, I watched one of my close friends get pregnant. When DH finally agreed to TTC, I cried when I would get negative pregnancy tests. When we finally got our BFP, I was the happiest I have ever been. I had a beautiful baby growing inside of me, who I had wanted desperately for so long. That same week, my best friend found out she was pregnant too and we were going to be pregnant and have a maternity shoot together. One month later, she found out she was having triplets and I found out that I had lost my baby. Six months later, I have lived through her gender announcement, her baby shower, and watched her give birth to healthy triplets. I have lived through the birth of my other friend's baby. I have watched as countless acquintances announce their pregnancies and post pictures of their healthy bumps. In the meantime, I have started fertility treatments and have seen countless negative pregnancies tests. AF just started, so I'm now moving into my 6th cycle post-miscarriage.

After having felt my baby, her absense is agonizing. My life feels so empty now that she is gone and I'm not pregnant again. Watching my friend's babies and bellies grow, I've become so broken and bitter when they have the only thing that I truly want in the world right now. The constant effort to readjust my perspective and try to remain positive and act normal at work despite all of the emotional ups and downs of TTC is exhausting. 

I miss the happy person I used to be, who could find the silver lining in any circumstances, who bounced right back. I feel hopeless now, like I will never get to have a beautiful baby growing inside of me.


----------



## Starry Night

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

Loss changes a person and that's OK. Eventually you'll learn to be positive again but it will look different. You'll carry your angel with you always. I've always struggled with depression a bit but since my losses I now also deal with anger. I don't like the angry me. I'm so defensive and feel like people are against me or don't understand me. Probably because I got slanderous attacks against my character shortly after my first loss. My friends didn't like the new me and gave me a bit of a hard time about it at first. Thankfully, we have worked on that and they now accept me and I do my best to not take my darkness out on them but that fear of rejection has remained. As soon as anyone makes even the slightest hint I'm not up to their expectations I absolutely explode with rage.


----------



## Topanga053

I completely understand, Starry. I definitely struggle with the anger too! I haven't exploded, but usually at least once a day it takes a HUGE amount of will power NOT TO! DH asked me the other day if I wanted a baby so badly just to "keep me busy" (notwithstanding the fact that I have a full-time job with a 1.5 hour daily commute, two part-time jobs, a house, and we're building a new house...). I couldn't even speak, I was so busy concentrating on not hitting him!


----------



## Starry Night

Wanting a baby is a perfectly natural desire (it's how our species reproduces, after all. It makes biological sense for a species to want to replace itself) I don't see why people try to make it seem insane or that there is something wrong with us for wanting it so badly. It really only becomes a 'problem' if you're doing insane things like having unprotected sex with strangers or suffering from a false pregnancy. Those are issues that need to be dealt with but the desire in of itself is not a sign of something missing in your life. 

I'll be the first to say I have a very good, happy life. Doesn't mean I don't greatly desire another baby and it hurts that it hasn't happened yet.


----------



## Pinkcasi

Left wondering: Im in the uk and i get all my tests from here

https://www.homehealth-uk.com/medical/ovulation-tests.htm

they do every test you could ever want and they're super cheap too.

Topanga: :hugs: i know exactly how you feel, and unfortunately i don't know the answer, will all the anger and upset go away if and when we get pregnant again? i really hope so cos all this emotion is driving me insane.

My vent for the day, nothing new really, same old I told a friend of mine i was off sick with stress and she said to just chill out if i stopped worrying then it would happen I F'ing hate when people say that!!!! she said to get married first then worry about kids, i said bloody hell im 34 now and were not planning on getting wed for 2-3 years, i cant afford to wait for babies, she has no idea, she decided she wanted a baby and fell pregnant her 1st month of trying, she just doesn't get it at all.


----------



## Left wonderin

Thanks Pink , I'll check it out and order . My confession is that I feel soooo resentful towards pregnant people , I know it's not their fault there baby lived and mine didn't but I can't help what I feel. There is a girl in work who was 14 weeks ahead of me and most days I couldn't bear to look at her ! They had a lunch for her going off on her maternity leave but I just couldn't bring myself to go :( I felt like a bitch ) but I also felt under my well wishes to her , why did it work out for you, why do you get to have the bump and keep your baby ! I felt angry towards here and she really is a lovely person . Then I felt guilty for feeling those feelings but I couldn't help it. Even though I rationally know its not her fault I lost my baby :(


----------



## Topanga053

I hear you, Left. I've always struggled with a lot of resentment toward pregnant people or women with newborns who I know got pregnant quickly and easily. Of course it's not their fault, but it's perfectly natural to be upset that someone gets something you want so desperately so quickly, while you have to deal with losses and BFN after BFN. 

I find that the more I judge my thoughts, the more I ruminate on them and the worse I feel. But when I accept them (i.e. _"OK, it really ISN'T fair that she had a healthy baby right away and I didn't. It's so sad that the world isn't fair"_), the quicker I move on. Otherwise, when I start judging myself for "bad" or "mean" thoughts, then I get angry with myself and start feeling like a rotten person, which makes me feel even worse! Then I'm dealing with *two* levels of feeling like crap--one because I'm still resentful toward the pregnant woman and two because now I'm pissed at myself for feeling resentful! And then it takes me twice as long to snap out of it and be happy again! 

Plus, those feelings won't last forever. You're not a bad person; you're in pain. And eventually, that pain will go away and you'll be able to be happy for other people's happiness again!


----------



## Topanga053

Ladies, this isn't a vent; I just want to say that I'm really proud of myself. AF came today, I had dinner with my friend with triplets who got pregnant the same week as me, I saw pictures of the triplets, I learned that a friend who just gave birth is TTC her second, AND I got bad news about our house, BUT I held it together. I'm close to my limit mentally, but I'm at least starting to recognize that. Before, I'd keep pushing and pushing until finally I just broke down. I am SOOOO proud of myself for handling ALL of those triggers gracefully and now recognizing that I'm close to my edge and need a little tender TLC and self-care to get me feeling good again. This is major progress!!!! :dance:


----------



## Starry Night

:happydance::hugs: I'm so glad for you!


----------



## mummy2o

I'm so happy for you Topanga :hugs:

AFM af came today and off into town later. Hopefully I can contain myself some what. On the plus side this is the 2nd month my cycles have been normal! Lovely 28 day cycles, like they were. So I'm over the moon with that.


----------



## Starry Night

I'm glad to hear your cycles have returned to normal!

I guess my vent has to do with having to put the clocks an hour ahead over the weekend. I am not adjusting! It is now 2:30am and I am wide awake! I was tossing around forever so decided to stop fighting it.


----------



## cloves

My vent today, last week started feeling pregnant. Until Sunday it all went away and cramps took over. Monday started spotting, thought it was because of progesterone I take. Went to doctor today for blood work hcg level is a 3. They say it is either from my last miscarriage or new pregnancy. But they also say that it sounds like period is coming. I was told to stop progesterone and pet period come. I think I had a miscarriage again even though I didn't know I was pregnant for sure. I am so sad again. I hate this. Going next week for blood work again to make sure hcg level is at 0.


----------



## Starry Night

:hugs::hugs:

That's really rotten, cloves. I am so sorry.


----------



## mummy2o

Is it your first period since your miscarriage? I felt pregnant before my first period also and thought I was, but it ended up being left over hormones and in my case product which removed itself when I tried to ovulate the following month. I really hope you are pregnant again, but realistically I wouldn't get my hopes up. :hug:


----------



## cloves

This will be my 2nd period after my miscarriage. The first one was awful cramping the whole time. This whole cycle has been weird. I am just waiting for it to come. ttc can be so annoying at times especially when all my friends got pregnant the first month trying. And will tell me it will happen in God's time for you. Sorry to vent again just having a hard day.


----------



## Hopefulagain

It amazes me that people get pregnant after trying for only one month.


----------



## Left wonderin

Cloves hugs to you , what a crap day . Hope you are doing something nice to mind yourself xxxx


----------



## mummy2o

I have to admit my son was an accident. I was on the pill, just meet his dad and after a month of us being together I ended up being pregnant. I wouldn't change him for the world. So there I was thinking it would be that easy, second pregnancy took 6 months and lasted 8 weeks. Then nothing since august. I think this is my 7th cycle since then. So we'll see. 

Cloves: I wouldn't worry to much. I can tell you it slowly gets easier time after time, still highly annoying but it does get easier. Just avoid your friend if that is possible for the time being. I found it easier to be around non pregnant people. Its like when all your friends get married and want to do couple stuff and your single, so you surround yourself with like minded people. They should so have actually TTC groups. I bet they would be loads of giggles!


----------



## cloves

AF started today. My annoying friend keeps lives next door and anytime I go out she comes and complains about how are her pregnancy is and how when you are pregnant you can't cook and clean. Yesterday she said my baby just needs extra time to prepare. I ignored it and another one of my neighbors got mad at her. At least I have a few good friends that think she is being rude.
I am glad AF came so at least I know I was cramping for a reason. I am going to just keep working out and eating good and get in good shape and someday I will get pregnant again. My hubby and I bought a bunch of opk tests the other day and should be here by Monday. I told him we are going to BD every other day.


----------



## bagpuss19

My vent: people that put massive posts on fb about being pregnant! An old school friend just did one of her daughter holding a piece of paper saying I'm going to be a big sister. I think I did post a comment when I was lucky enough to be pregnant with our first but I won't be this time as I have a greater understanding now. I'll tell the people that need to know.
Rant over


----------



## Starry Night

Aw, that's hard. Have you tried hiding posts from your pregnant friends? I find it makes FB that much easier.

cloves - I also wish pregnant people were more sensitive about their complaints concerning pregnancy. I was with a group of friends a week after my loss and two of them were very pregnant and they were complaining about labour and talking about their fears. I've had a kid so I totally understand that by the end you get sick of being big and fat and labour is kinda scary but all I could think was "I should be having these fears too" I nearly burst into tears. What saved me was my friend who is unable to have kids at all gave me sympathetic looks and changed the topic when she had the chance. They knew I had a loss so I wish they would have stopped to consider me a little bit. 

My Vent: Me. Why am I so desperate?? I am 2dpo at most and already trying to symptom spot. Stop it already!!!! :dohh:


----------



## mummy2o

How is the symptom spotting going starry?

My rant is my OH not performing since my last AF. We DTD but he can't finish. I'm ovulating soon so I guess we won't get pregnant this month :(


----------



## Starry Night

I started getting some sorta signs the other day but now I don't know. I feel like if I have to strain or really look for signs then they're probably not there. And the signs I do get come and go. I'm only 8dpo so it's early yet. But for fun, I feel like my boobs are more swollen than usual (they don't feel like mine), I get hot and cold flashes, nausea when I'm hungry that is cured by nibbling, and cramps.


----------



## cloves

Grr now one of my favorite friends/neighbor is going through a miscarriage. Almost exactly two months after I had one. I am glad to have someone who knows what it is like, but hate seeing her go through it.


----------



## mummy2o

I'll keep you in mind this week then Starry.

Cloves, that is so awful. I'm sorry she is having to go through that. At least you'll be able to support each other.


----------



## Starry Night

cloves - I am sorry your friend is going through a miscarriage. :( I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone and it always breaks my heart to hear of another person who goes through one.

My vent of the day: why does preggo signs have to be like PMS signs??? I am driving myself crazy!! One moment I hope. The next I despair. I just want some definite symptom that is exclusive to pregnancy!!!


----------



## Left wonderin

Starry I know exactly how you feel , drove myself demented this month . The problem is there is no way to tell !! Same symptoms caused by two different hormones . You describe it so perfectly when you say you go from hope to despair !! I as almost relieved this month when AF arrived , at least I knew and the roller coaster of emotions stopped !


----------



## Pinkcasi

My Rant for today and what feels like all the time at the moment is my boyfriend, he's seriously doing my head in, On Friday night i was supposed to go pick him up from work, he's a chef and works evenings so he says that he was going to have a few drinks with friends after work but that it wouldn't be late about 12.30 so im at home waiting for a phone call asking for a lift and nothing i text him and called and no reply eventually at 2.30 am i went to bed, then at 3.30 he calls me says he's on the bus home and he's not got keys so can i let him in, i was so angry he them got all moody with me because i was angry with him, the next day he apoligised and all was well.
Then last night again i was supposedto pick him up and he text's me and says 'if your tired i'll get the bus' so i say 'thanks sweetie are you sure you dont mind' i suspiciously questioned whether he was just offering this so he could get drunk again but he assured me it wasn't so off i go to bed early so i could get up early and get into work early then at 6 am im awoken by him calling me he's in town and has lost his wallet and all of his money he gets paid weekly on a Sunday and has lost all of it and can i go pick him up, i was so angry i mean angry is not strong enough of a word anyway i get up and go get him, when i get to him he's say in a doorway like a bloody bum i say get in the car and he replies 'leave me alone, we dont have a car' im about ready to just leave him to freeze to death and he gets in the car then gets angry and starts punching the dashboard because i called him an idiot. We arrive home and i tell him to get out i have to go to work he then says 'Im done, im tired of this' like it's my fault im the terrible person cos i was mean and called him an idiot it's not his fault that he got drunk again and lost everything, i mean where was he until 6am?!?!?

The way i feel at the moment if he's not there when i get home i'll be a happy lady.


----------



## Left wonderin

Oh pink sound awful :( also sounds like its time for a serious conversation to see what's going on with him ? Ranting and raving him might make you feel better but wont solve the issue . Sit him down and ask him just that " what's going on with you" ? ... Xxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Pinkcasi

Yeah i know Left im not looking forward to that conversation though, i know that it's been stressful recently he's been working like a dog for weeks and he does deserve a bit of a blowout but this behaviour is unacceptable and especially after Friday when we talked and he apoligised and said it was all his fault then he goes and does it again it's just ridiclous, if i didn't know any better i'd think he has a drinking problem i mean we're supposed to be grown up's we're in our 30's it's not like we're teenagers were supposed to be getting married and were trying for a baby and he's behaving like he's 18 again.

I'll sit him down tonight and have it out with him one way or another this will get sorted even if it means we're done.


----------



## mummy2o

Pink that's terrible! I agree that is totally unacceptable behaviour. I agree you need to talk, but it depends if he'll listen. Men, unlike women generally ignore what we say even if its a reasonable solution, they will still try and push the boundaries. Does he drink often? If it was only this weekend then maybe put it behind you and start fresh, if he does drink on a regular basis then maybe review how much he drinks.


----------



## Pinkcasi

No he doesn't drink often really i mena he's always at work so he doens't have time and normally if he's drinking then im with him and i dont mind that if we're out together, but he's really tiny and skinny so he cant hold his liquor as well as he thinks he can, this weekend has just made me sad i feel like he just takes me for granted, he says 'I love you' repeatedly and im like 'Yeah so you keep telling me' but you need to act like it *sigh* we used to be so good, he's my best friend he never went out without me maybe im just jealous, where did he go and who was he with?!?!?!


----------



## Starry Night

My rant of the day: 

I hate false pregnancy signs that trick you.

And

I hate evaps!!!

:(


----------



## mummy2o

Did AF come starry? If so sorry about that. I generally don't get evaps. So it could of possibly been a chemical, espically if you had signs


----------



## Starry Night

No AF yet. It's not due for a few days yet but I'm pretty sure the line was an evap. It showed up right away but never went darker than a grey within the allotted time. Now it's much more visible and a little bit pink but I know it doesn't count because it's been hours since I've taken the test.


----------



## Left wonderin

Your in the hardest bit now Starry , the few days before AF is due I hate :( but then what is that saying ?? The darkest part of the night is just before the dawn :)


----------



## bagpuss19

Vent: people who havent had a mc over on first trimester saying early scans monitoring hcg etc is basically a waste of time! Got my back up! Grrr


----------



## Left wonderin

They obviously don't need the level of reassurance like those who have suffered a mc. They are blessed with blissful ignorance as to how fragile the little souls can be . I envy them as I will never have the experience of a pregnancy without the fear and worry of a loss :((


----------



## Starry Night

It's true. They never will understand. I wish they'd accept they won't understand. The anxiety that comes with PaL can be through the roof. I can't even begin to describe to people the constant, crushing fear I had with my son's pregnancy. To live under that constant pressure was so unbelievably unbearable. People kept telling me to "relax" and that "stress is bad for the baby" but I knew that things could end badly as it had already happened to me! 

Early scans can help you face the inevitable if it is to end badly. My latest m/c was not the devastating shock my first one was because early scans revealed a poorly growing baby so when the hcg started to drop and a later scan showed the baby had died I was not surprised. I had already given time to mourn my little one.


----------

