# Deliberately Avoiding Friends



## RachA

Does anyone else find that they deliberately avoid meeting up with their friends that have children of a similar or younger age than their lo's?

I've got one good friend who has a son 6 weeks younger than Esther and she also has an 18 month old daughter. I've been awful at meeting up with her over the last 2 years because every time we do I just feel awful because the gap between our two children is just getting bigger and now her 18 month old is obviously progressing too. It's not their fault and the two children are just lovely. 

I've also arranged to meet up with someone next week-I wouldn't exactly call her a good friend but we get on ok. I've ended up arranging to meet her at a time when Esther is at preschool because her 3 year old is just so much more advanced than Esther and I kind of don't want to have to explain to the mum why Esther won't talk to her daughter or play with her etc. 

On one had I feel so stupid about it all. I'm sure I shouldn't let it upset me but it does. I'm not the kind if person that compared development between children as I know they are all different but when the difference is so huge..........


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## Tiff

Its not stupid, you're protecting yourself. Its tough to be an advocate and explain everything day in/day out to people who don't understand. While it may be fascinating for them, that would be the umpteenth time you've explained it and it gets old. Or you get the dreaded "Oh, all kids are like that" "My kid does that too" etc etc etc.

I found on my bad "Autism" days I retreated as well. I got tired of explaining things to people, I got tired of the looks, it just made my heart hurt alongside seeing just how more advanced people's children are compared to mine.

My friend's kids around the same age all can write. They write little notes to their friends, they can read (actually read, not recite from memory), Claire can't even hold a pen/pencil properly. :nope: It still kicks me in the teeth at times when I see just how more they're progressing than Claire is. 

But I try not to shy away from my friend's kiddos. Claire is an excellent mimic, so I try to get her to spend as much time with them as I possibly can so that she can learn the proper social cues etc.

:hugs: Big hugs, it is super tough and super hard parenting a special needs kiddo. If this is what you need to do atm, do it. :hugs:


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## Eternal

Totally understandable .... Sam doesn't mix well with other children and I just find it too stressful so I avoid a lot of things. The most dreaded thing most days is the party invites in his school bag, it's hard having to call people up and be like, thanks but no, Sam can't cope with noise and people and doesn't know how to play with others in a nice manner. Argh!


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## annanouska

:flower: this sounds so selfish but I find it isolating at times. I've not many friends tbh so do t see many people anyway and the. Avoiding things as I can't cope with the looks etc. 

I walked hi, around the street the other day and he wanted to touch somebodys car wheels . I explained why he can't tried to walk him away but I was too slow so he was there touching the wheels ( he has a wheel thing) but when I tried to move he threw himself on the floor rolling around and when I picked him up he was kicking. Biting scratching etc. took an hour to calm him , the looks I got :cry:


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## sequeena

No it's not stupid at all. I feel the same and actually have a play date arranged on Thursday where all the children were born within a month of each other. Thomas is actually the oldest of the group. I feel like cancelling but I know T would love it. I'm friendly with the other mums but not friends if you know what I mean and I feel so awkward answering their questions. I also feel like the odd one out who has to follow their child round soft play and can't even get.my child in the jungle gym.


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## JASMAK

I used to do this, but it just made me more lonely in the long run. I have a few friends who I see not very often, just because I am busy...and they do understand my child. For those that don't...and yes....hahahaha...there are plenty of those...or those who *think* they 'get' it....they are annoying...their stupid little comments...snide remarks, or annoying advice...but, at the end of the day...i need to see other people. So...I have thickened my skin. I have. It bothered me, but now I just come and bitch on here! Ha! I think it takes time to 'toughen u'. My daughter is 9, but she was diagnosed young at 2, but even then, we knew something was 'wrong' by a year. We have had time to adjust and this is our life. I have become quite the bitch too, and will tell people off when I feel it needs to be done. I have become strong.


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## Peanut78

Tiff said:


> Its not stupid, you're protecting yourself. Its tough to be an advocate and explain everything day in/day out to people who don't understand. While it may be fascinating for them, that would be the umpteenth time you've explained it and it gets old. Or you get the dreaded "Oh, all kids are like that" "My kid does that too" etc etc etc.
> 
> I found on my bad "Autism" days I retreated as well. I got tired of explaining things to people, I got tired of the looks, it just made my heart hurt alongside seeing just how more advanced people's children are compared to mine.
> 
> My friend's kids around the same age all can write. They write little notes to their friends, they can read (actually read, not recite from memory), Claire can't even hold a pen/pencil properly. :nope: It still kicks me in the teeth at times when I see just how more they're progressing than Claire is.
> 
> But I try not to shy away from my friend's kiddos. Claire is an excellent mimic, so I try to get her to spend as much time with them as I possibly can so that she can learn the proper social cues etc.
> 
> :hugs: Big hugs, it is super tough and super hard parenting a special needs kiddo. If this is what you need to do atm, do it. :hugs:

This! This! This!

I feel so exhausted at having to explain again and again and answer the questions and deal with the awkward or worried looks. I find I am OK with the group of friends that we see frequently - they kind of know T well enough now and have followed our journey consistently. It's the friends and family that we don't see frequently that I dread having to start from scratch with. 

Big hugs hun :hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## Lucy139

Eternal said:


> Totally understandable .... Sam doesn't mix well with other children and I just find it too stressful so I avoid a lot of things. The most dreaded thing most days is the party invites in his school bag, it's hard having to call people up and be like, thanks but no, Sam can't cope with noise and people and doesn't know how to play with others in a nice manner. Argh!


Couldn't agree more!!


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## kit10grl

We did this just today. I met up with a friend who we havent seen for six months. Her DD is six months younger then DS and 7 months older than DD. She was complaining today about her DD speech being delayed and talking about how hard it had been to potty train etc. Whilst my DD lay on the floor rolling and army crawling. 

We havemt met up with my antenatal class for a while either, DD is the oldest in the group but is by far the smallest and further behind. It gets upsetting listening to them telling their kids to mind the baby when she is lots older than them


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## emyandpotato

I don't have the option as have no friends with kids but when people on my FB who are OH's friends, or from my school, say their 10 month old is speaking/walking/joining Mensa it really hurts and I get irrationally angry with them. It's not so bad now he's older but when he was just turned 1 and doing _nothing_ every update felt like a punch in the face. Thing is though it's all just a part of them and is a little of what makes them unique and that's all anyone else sees.


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## RachA

Really glad I'm not the only one that feels like this :) Thank you. 
The stupid thing is that I know it's my issue as my friends don't push it in my face or anything and know what's going in with DD so quite often take my lead in talking about things or not!


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