# Kinda nervous posting, RE contact any advice appriciated x



## kelzyboo

Ok heres the situation, i split with FOB in january because he's irresponsable and treated me like shit tbh.

I've just recieved a solicitors letter asking about arranging contact when LO is born and also wanting to be on his birth certificate, i wonder what you think of this response:

RE contact: When LO is born, established in a routine and i am no longer breastfeeding i am willing to discuss and arrange for supervised contact for the father.

RE birth certificate: to be named on the certificate FOB would have to be there at registeration which i am unhappy with. Also i have concerns regarding FOB's commitment and ability to be responsable at this time, i would not rule out adding it at a later date depending on the level of commitment shown to any arrangements in place.

How does that sound?

I do have a few concerns and maybe someone on here may know where i stand?

My biggest concern is my child from a previous relationship, she is 5years old and has Autism, any changes and disruption to her routines and her life could have devastating consequences for her, i want to get them in a routine and get her used to a new baby before anything else as she needs stability more than anything else and is likely not to cope well due to her autism. Does anyone know if her needs will be taken into consideration should FOB actually bother to go through court?? The last thing she needs is disruption.

My second concern is his family, they are involved with social services for their own childrens welfare. His mother is not normal at all, his upbringing was a joke and shes emotionally vacant towards the children and grandchildren she has, due to what i have seen and what i know about her i would be seriously concerned for my LO's emotional and physical wellbeing if she were to have access?
Also his sister lives with a drug addict and allows drugs into her house with her children, hence social services involvement, i do not want my LO to be around either of them and deffinately not to visit the houses. Can i stop him taking my LO there?

I am happy for him to have supervised contact as he is not mature or responsible enough to take care of my LO alone, he could not meet his needs at all, supervised is ok by me but not unsupervised.

Will they give me and my daughter time to establish a family routine before contact starts? I will be breastfeeding and won't use bottles, does that mean they will make me?

Do my daughters needs count aswell? 

Thanks :flower:


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## jess_smurf

All i can advise you on is BF, if you are a BF you are not expected to be away from your baby as they may want to feed any time of the day, you can offer supervised access where you are able to feed baby if needed too

best thing for you to do is contact community legal advice which is free.

with regards to Birth cert, personally i would want my baby to have a father's name on her instead of blank 

hope you get the answers you need x


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## tanzarini

I agree that I would prefer to have the fathers name on the birth certificate rather than a blank space. 

With regards to your oldest child I understand your concerns, but surely something could be worked out so he has to fit in with the best times for all of you? As for the rest of his family, they do not have automatic rights to see your baby. They could go to court to try and get access, but from the way you describe them they hardly seem like the type who would bother. The only people that do have automatic rights are the parents. Personally I would give him the opportunity to prove himself over a set period of time, you never know, he may just prove you wrong. Supervised access is a good place to start. My twins' dad treated me like crap but is fantastic with them. My oldest child has no contact with her dad on the other hand, due to him consistently letting her down when she was a baby. Having children changes people, and I don't personally think that writing him off before he has had a chance to prove himself is particularly fair. Just my opinion, I really hope it all works out for the best for ypu all xx oh and citizens advice is always worth a go


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## kelzyboo

I haven't written it off, i am happy for him to have supervised contact once my son is settled and no longer breastfeeding and also once my daughter has had time to adapt as best she can to the changes, she will be in his life everyday and so needs to be aknowledged as an important person with needs of her own.

What bothers me is that he is a man who cannot even look after himself and has no concept of the responsabilities in his own life (like his flat, he was threatened with eviction and i had to do all the work, court papers and such because he couldn't or the fact that he had £1000 and spent the lot on himself and didn't come home with anything worth mentioning and failed to buy food or pay the gas and electric bill for his own house!). This concerns me, he can't take care of himself, i couldn't trust him to make any really important decision in the life of my child, which is why he will not be on his birth certificate, as i said before if he does by some miracle prove himself to be a good dad and change these things then it can be added at a later date.

All i want is the best for both of my children, if his access was causing my daughter problems then i would do everything in my power to stop it, like i said he has nothing real to bring to my son's life at the moment other than donating some sperm, he will be given the chance but if nothing changes then my son wouldn't benefit from a relationship with him at all.

I'm expecting problems anyway, he won't like having to have supervised access or having to give me time to get them into a routine but that shows its not his son's interests he's concerned with, its his own. Also i am having a very complicated and difficult pregnancy (he knows this and also knows it could potentially be harmful to baby) and putting me through solicitors letters when baby isn't even born is unfair, like i don't have enough worry. Also not in his childs interests.

If he were capeable of being a good dad i would have no problem, the fact that he isn't is my problem x


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## chels24uk

Just my opinion.
Good or bad father, i feel he should go on the birth certificate regardless. Children deserve to know who their parents are, even if they are a waste of space.
As far as access, i think supervised is perfectly fine. But dont understand why it needs to be after breastfeeding etc? Surely he should have the chance to bond from the start rather than introducing him at a much later date when the child wont know who he is etc? If he argues with supervised, its tough on him really until he has proven himself. Especially if he cant even look after himself.
As for your daughter, I have no experience of Autism so cant really comment on that but can understand its a tough situation but one you are going to have to face. 
In my opinion, its in every childs best interest for the absent parent to at least be given that chance from the start. It doesnt have to be daily, but set contact once or twice a week where they can just see their child and create a real bond.
Good luck :)


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## young-mummy

i think you a right not to put him on the BC untill he can prove he is not going to be in and out and will be there for your son, i also work with children with Autism and i know how hard this situation will be for you and can only hope the courts would take that into concideration! also supervised visit is a good idea untill he shows you her will be a good dad,
like you said he can always be added at a later date at any time. so you dont have to rush into that decision. if you want to talk pm me :) xx


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## kelzyboo

Thanks, i totally respect your opinion chels and i would always answer any question about his father truthfully, i wouldn't keep anything from him ever. What concerns me is it gives him responsability that i believe he cannot be trusted with, i am open to adding it later should he prove himself responsible.

Thanks young-mummy, it is a hard situation and i just want whats best for both of my children, if he does prove he can be an asset to his son's life then i have no problem with contact but it has to be on terms that fit in with my daughter too, we are his family and if its having a bad effect on his family life then it has to be looked at again, thats how i feel xx


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## Jade--x

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## kelzyboo

:hugs: sounds like your having a hard time of it too jade, so glad your LO is ok x

I don't understand why we have no rights as mothers to protect our children and anyone, even someone who is incapeable of being a good father has every right in the world? This really gets me and its totally the wrong way around!

I guess all we can do is fight as hard as we can and if they are the kind of fathers we know they are then they will either give up or prove us right, its an extremely long process going to court and not many actually go through with it, it takes a lot of dedication to your child to get to the end, we have that dedication but do they?

I don't think my ex does, the second it doesn't go his way he will give up, he wants it all his own way but i don't think he has enough fight to see it through if he doesn't get what he wants straight away. 

I hope all goes well for you jade, he sounds like an idiot to me, just keep being a great mum and sooner or later he will prove himself to be exactly what you think he is, and you don't have to give more than one chance!

I'm meeting with my solicitor thursday so i will update on what she has to say about the child i carry for 9 months and am apparently not allowed to protect, can tell i'm angry! Will update when i know xx


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## kelzyboo

Oh and i don't think they can make you bottle feed if the baby won't take it from a bottle xx


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## dawnmichelle

hello i agree with you about not putting fob on bc until he proves himself, my lo is three months and my fob didnt want his name on there any way so i didnt bother but he does want to see him and does pay me 100 a month for lo, iam breastfeeding and at first i didnt want him to have contact because he was an arse to me also, and my 8 year old daughter is in the proccess of being assessed for her learning difficulties they say it might be high functioning autism amoung other things, i really know how you feel its so hard but i let fob see lo for one hour twice a week, hes asked to take him out but i say no its still too soon and he hasnt taken a bottle yet, hes threatened me with court but it would cost him too money and as long as they can see your letting them have contact they cant force you to let fob take lo, they wont force you to give bottles my solicitor said hed have to take me to court and it takes a long time. hope this helps and good luck with everything xx


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## sophiew

:hugs:If you walk into court with a damn good reason for wanting him to have supervised visits only, they should be able to do that for you. Although in the long run, they will be given unsupervised contact :( If there are no welfare issues. :cry:

Jade--x, does that mean after 6 weeks of going through court the father would have unsupervised access? as in full day visits? :S 

I always thought it would be a few months in a contact centre then weaning to an hour out etc rather than full day unsupervised visits at FOB's home. 

You can always delay things, in my past experience. But stopping them altogether is so difficult. 

xx Hugs :hugs:


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## Jade--x

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## sophiew

Oh wow. I've had some dealings with Cafcass but nothing serious yet!
Used needles? :growlmad: Surely they wouldn't let a child go into that environment.

Will you be requesting a home visit / investigation of the house? If youve reason to think its unsafe theres no reason why they shouldn't have to provide proof. Im sure theyll agree to look before the FOB has full unsupervised visits. 

And what kind of people does he live with? :(

Hope it works out, Cafcass are meant to be in the middle not one-sided!! xxx


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## littlekitten8

Hi hun. As far as I'm aware they will not allow unsupervised contact while you are BF. And they cannot force you to give the baby a bottle just so he can go see his dad. They should take into consideration your daughters needs. It can take up to a year to go to court. Hope it all works out for you.


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## kelzyboo

Thanks ladies, have an appointment tomorrow so i will let you all know whats said, in case it will help anyone else x


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## xxfluffyxx

hiya! Ican totally understand where you are coming from.I think the first response is fair enough! I mean these things are the last you need on your mind at this time!My FOB started this crap when I was pregnant and pregnancy is stressful enough as it is! let alone being a single parent to a child with autism.I am living at home still at the moment with my LO and my little brother lives here who also has autism.I think he may be just scared you'll push him out all together and prob wont go thru the courts.by all means though,dont part with the baby if your not happy to do so,and especially if your BF.As far as his family is concerned,no judge is going to allow a baby in such conditions,it doesnt say whether r not he lives with them? his mam etc? my advice to you is to luok after yourself and your lil woman and also that bump! :) have lots of bubble baths etc and tell HIM that you'll be in touch to make the necessary arrangements when the child is born....best of luck! xx


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## kelzyboo

Lol Fluffy if your not studying law you should be! Thats exactly what my solicitor told me, shes writing a letter to his to tell them that at the moment theres nothing to arrange and when baby is born, we will discuss contact arrangements then. Baisically shes telling them in a nice way to back off until he arrives because unless he wants access to my womb, theres nothing that can be done at the minute lol

I'm happy with how the appointment went, they will consider my daughter's disability and her needs and if shes not coping he will have to wait until she is to have contact which i'm relieved about, hopeful she will react well to baby but you just can't tell until hes here!

He has a lot to do to prove his commitment to baby and since it will probably be my mum supervising contact i am unsure that he wil stick with it, baisically if its not working theres lots i can do to delay things and any delay is likely to put him off.

He doesn't live with his family, he has a dirty flat thats unsuitable for a child so he wouldn't be able to take him there, he spends a lot of time at his families though, more than he does at home. I am assured his family will get no contact due to there being concerns with social services regarding there own childrens welfare.

All i can do now is wait and see what happens next, hopefully he will do one and let me get on with this pregnancy in peace, as for when he's born who knows, maybe he will get fed up by then? xx


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## xxfluffyxx

haha!! wish I was studying law! :) there such a$$holes!! id this from my FOB rfom the time we broke up at 7months pregnant! unreal! youd swear the baby was coming on the bus the way he acted!! all about maintenance and access and blah blah blah haha!! I used to get texts every day"when will he be here?" "what day is he coming now?" GRRRRRR............you'd think that they dont have the copp an and responsibility to be there for you when they should be that theyd at least allow you to be pregnant and get on with it worry-free!!! selfish it is!! :p
thats good that the meeting went well anyway! he wont have a hope if his place is dirty and his family clearly have a bad reputation! at least your mam will be there if need be you wont be worried about your lil baba! about your daughter,hopefully she will ajust well to the new arrival! its hard to tell! we had a picture book made for my bro which told a story about the new baby,but been honest he doesnt really acknowlege my LO AT ALL! just sticks to his toys and video games! :)
fair play to you missus anyway! its hard goin it alone!! some days i just wanna curl up and hop back into bed! x


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## kelzyboo

Lol i wanna curl up too, most days actually if i'm honest but my daughters worth getting up for, they are why we do it and they're worth it!

To be honest he's not the type of person who will stick to contact arrangements, i think he'll refuse if its with my mum in which case he won't get anything if he turns down contact when its offered.

I like the picture book idea thanks fluffy i think i'll try that, i think once the novelty of baby wears off she will lose interest til he's older as they don't really do much do they lol the book sounds like a good way to ease her into it so cheers for that one, i think i'll pinch the idea xx

Hope things work out for you and your LO, wish they'd just let us have a peaceful life x


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## jess_smurf

they will not tell you to express and give it in a bottle, a lot of babies wont take it from a bottle as its tastes changes once expressed but also why should you, my baby will never have a bottle


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## littlekitten8

Glad the solicitor went well :)


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## kelzyboo

Thankyou, i'm happy with the result. He will be offered contact supervised by my mum so i can breastfeed and have chance to recover from c-section, if he doesn't take that then he has no case, can't turn it down when offered and get anything from the courts! xx


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## 18singlemom2b

dont know your whole story so i can't help as much as i would like to, but if your ex is anything like mine then i understand the hesitation. the past 8 months he has been so unstable, trying to run between me and his ex and has no idea what role he wants to permanently play with our daughter that is being born soon. for the most part though, it's all negativity and he has said several times he isn't ready to be a father and could never bare the shame of telling his family about her. so if down the road he would want to be in her life i would seriously question letting him in her life so easily. i don't believe this crap about children need to know their fathers. if their fathers are drug addicts or perverts or pathalogical liars they don't need to know them, that will only screw them up. and over my dead body is fob going to let my daughter down.


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## kelzyboo

I don't believe it either, yes ideally all children would have a loving, caring father very much involved in their lives but unfortunately not all fathers are like that! I think its better to grow up with a devoted mother and no father at all rather than a devoted mother and a father who ruins all her hard work by letting them down constantly. I grew up without my dad, i get on well with him now but i can honestly say i thank my mother from the bottom of my heart for not letting him be involved in my growing up, he's so unreliable and would have let me down a lot. My mum never did.

We should have the right to protect our children from fathers who are a waste of oxygen and will do nothing but cause problems for them and never provide the stable life that they deserve!

I hope everything works out for you and your LO xx


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