# AP mother burnout



## EarthMama

I have a friend who had her baby the same time as I did, only two days before. We were both determined to be attachment parents. We did it all...in fact carried them everywhere for six months and were never out of our baby's sight for longer then an hour. Breastfed on demand, cosleeping. Now my friend says she is totally burned out. She hates attachment parenting now and would discourage anyone from going that route. Her main problem is due to extreme sleep deprivation. In fact both our babies wake frequently at night. She blames attachment parenting as the reason why she is so burned out...and cosleeping and on demand nursing. Our friends who put their babies in cribs have babies who sleep well all night.

Any advice about what to tell her? I don't have any advice myself as my guy wakes up 8 times a night to nurse too. And we've tried all the trIcks to get them to sleep better. Now my friend is making her baby cry it out at night and is encouraging me to do the same. I don't feel right doing that tho...I desperately need sleep but feel like there has to be a better way.


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## OmiOmen

I do think AP can be more work but I also firmly believe it pays off in the long run. 

For the first year my son slept so badly I was getting 45 minutes to 3 hours sleep a night and hardly functioning and he still woke frequently until he finally STTN at about 20-21 months old which was 3 days after I stopped BF'ing. Now he has set his own bedtime routine and goes to bed happily (by this I mean he asks to go and enjoys his bedtime story) and yet many kids his age are having huge tantrums about it. He still sleeps in our room but in his own bed and probably will for some time but going to bed for him is now a nice experience. 

My son asked to use a potty at 6 months old and from then on got to choice as and when he would use it and I got huge criticism for this of mainstream parents for this. But I never had to potty 'train' him and he was out of nappies on a night by 2 and in the day months before that. Where as many of the people who said how wrong I was to let him lead the way are finding it a constant battle to get their kids out of nappies. 

My son does not have tantrums often but when he does he talk through why he is upset and they don't last long. This is because rather than giving him times out I would talk things through with him and it is hard work trying to talk through things during a stressful tantrum. 

I could go on but basically my point is that although a lot of things I have done where harder work at the time they pay off in the long run. 

I don't think there is going to be much you can say to sway your friend but I want you to feel confident in your decisions. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you there are magic tricks to having an easy life and still doing AP because as far as I know that is not the case. I would not say I do AP but I am baby/child-led and strongly feel that the work I have put in and the sleep I have lost out on was worth it because my son has learned skills and confidence from it. Other people now comment on how he seems like such an easy toddler to look after.


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## lozzy21

AP does not mean you have to have baby with you 24/7. If your feeling burnt out there is nothing wrong with leaving baby with daddy, grandma or some one else you both trust while mum has some time to herself.

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-not


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## SarahDiener

I'd try convincing him to stay asleep by cuddling, patting him, sleeping him in his own bed, rocking him to sleep when he wakes(daddy can do this better as he doesn't smell like milk) before I'd let him cry. CIO damages your babies brain, it'd be my last resort. 45mins sounds like he wakes every light sleep phase, probably shushing and rocking through that would help him Learn to sleep through them. I can't imagine how hard that sleep pattern would be!!!


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## EarthMama

Thanks everyone. It's been extremely hard for both my friend and I lately so I can understand why she's at the end of her rope. The problem is magnified because both of us live on an island 1000's of miles away from our families. So there is NO leaving the kids with grandma or any other relatives and good caregivers are very difficult to find here. Our husbands both work. She and I have never had a decent break from our mothering responsibilities. I am also insanely exhausted and being 9 weeks pregnant doesn't help. I just can't let him cry but I do want to try and nightwean in a gentle way because I am destroying myself. 

I ordered the 'No Cry Sleep Solutions' book and I hope it has some ideas that work. If they work for me I can share them with my friend. I do appreciate the stories of how AP has worked in the long run. It helps me keep an eye on the bigger picture.


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## lovie

I don't think AP is to blame for bad sleep, for my baby I think his sleep is actually better than average because he is so calm and feels safe all the time.

My baby sleeps from 10-7 with one 10 min breastfeed at around 3.30-4.

I think some babies are just not great at sleeping, I have friends who have ff, own cot babies who wake often.

Earth mamma your little one is so so cute in your pic! :)


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## Mum2b_Claire

I would say it's not because she AP'd. Honestly if I did not ap Scarlett would have screamed 24/7. She was not built for 20th century parenting, she didn't tolerate moses baskets, prams, car seats. She would not go to ANYONE else without crying immediately.

so I held her all eventually, wore her everywhere, fed her on demand and she mellowed out MASSIVELY at about 7 months old. She plays independently, something her cot sleeping bottle fed sister never did! She will go to anyone, sleeps well in my bed (1 feed in the night usually)and doesn't need holding all evening any more, she will sleep on a blanket on the floor until I go up (or, she would sleep alone in my bed but I just prefer not to do that.)

APing isn't being a martyr. It's an investment and also can be easier than battling against how your baby is programmed to behave.


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## Stellae

If it's getting to the point where she's becoming resentful then trying LO in a crib may be a good idea. Just because LO isn't co-sleeping doesn't mean you have to go right to CIO to get him or her to sleep alone though. We went from bed to bassinet in our room to crib at naps to crib all the time (this was very early on though, LO has slept in his bedroom since 3 weeks, so since her baby and yours are older and much more aware of being left alone I'd imagine it'll be tougher).

I don't practice AP (as made obvious by the sleeping thing lol) but I'd say if you can do everything else (breastfeed, baby wear etc.) and have to start letting LO sleep in his own bed, the benefits are probably still there as long as LO feels safe and loved! The transition might be rough at first but if *everyone* sleeps better then I don't see a problem!


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## EarthMama

Mum2b_Claire said:


> I would say it's not because she AP'd. Honestly if I did not ap Scarlett would have screamed 24/7. She was not built for 20th century parenting, she didn't tolerate moses baskets, prams, car seats. She would not go to ANYONE else without crying immediately.
> 
> so I held her all eventually, wore her everywhere, fed her on demand and she mellowed out MASSIVELY at about 7 months old. She plays independently, something her cot sleeping bottle fed sister never did! She will go to anyone, sleeps well in my bed (1 feed in the night usually)and doesn't need holding all evening any more, she will sleep on a blanket on the floor until I go up (or, she would sleep alone in my bed but I just prefer not to do that.)
> 
> APing isn't being a martyr. It's an investment and also can be easier than battling against how your baby is programmed to behave.

That's exactly why I decided to go this route with my son. He was a high needs baby from the start. Thanks to AP I was able to keep him happy which kept the whole family happy. I have followed his lead on everything. People comment on how happy he is ...what they don't realize is how hard I've had to work to help him be happy. I know it is worth it in the long run. I need more sleep but I know eventually we'll get there. 

My friend is now telling me that she has to teach her son that he can't have everything he wants otherwise he'll become a spoiled brat.


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## waitingfor

I don't attachment parent. I finished breast feeding at 3 months, I never got round to using the cloth nappies I bought when pregnant and I only wear my LO in the house when she is being clingy/teething etc.

But, she is a terrible sleeper! She dropped night feeds at about 5 months but didn't sleep through until 14 months (which only lasted a few weeks before teething kicked in again).

She wakes every few hours or sobs in her sleep several times a night and I have to settle her back to sleep. She only does it a couple of times a night now which is a huge improvement from when she was younger. She moved into her own bedroom at 11.5 months and has mostly always slept in her own cot.

So it just goes to show that non-attachment parented babies can be poor sleepers too.

Big hugs for dealing with the lack of sleep when pregnant. :hugs:


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## charlie15

I have no idea what type of parenting i do but i guess some of follows the AP theory in that i co sleep, breast feed on demand, baby wear( but i also use the buggy). My LO sleeps from 7-8am with one wake up for a feed at some point, so i think some babies are naturally better sleepers than others regardless of co sleeping, in fact i thought co sleeping would help as it's easy for baby to learn by seeing you sleep that this is what night time is for as well as them feeling safe by your side.


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## Lollycake

Also, I loved co-sleeping but my LO is a really light sleeper and from around 8 months he slept better by himself - us making noise in our sleep woke him. If I co-sleep now (if at someone else's house or he's poorly etc) he'll want to be latched on almost all night, moving around every half hour, climbing over me etc. We didn't do any sleep training. I always fed him to sleep, then sneaked off for a fee hours til bedtime...now I just feed (or sometimes rock) him to sleep, put him in his cot and see him in the morning!


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## Rachel_C

EarthMama said:


> My friend is now telling me that she has to teach her son that he can't have everything he wants otherwise he'll become a spoiled brat.

I'd say that's TOTALLY true. Kids can't have everything they want or they might start thinking they will always get it... which isn't going to happen! However, the key thing for me is the difference between 'want' and 'need'. At 6 months old, a baby wanting a cuddle or milk or for their second toe on the left foot to be tickled is actually a need. It may not be a physical need all of the time but it's an emotional need and for a baby who doesn't understand that adults have wants too that's just as important. 

As they get older, their needs start slowing turning into just wants. My 18 month old doesn't have an emotional need to play with playdough, it's just a want. She doesn't actually need to have boob while she's watching TV, if I tell her that I have to do something first she sort of understands and will wait for a few minutes without suffering. She does, however, still have a need to be fed fairly soon after she asks, but that is very different to a younger baby who needs milk when they ask, straight away :)

It's a real shame that your friend doesn't seem to realise that things change gradually as babies get older. If she could just hang on a couple of months, all her hard work would start to pay off, I'm sure!


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## xSin

I can relate to feeling burnt out!!! 

I am not sure what your sleep situation is or what hers is, but for me I have found that my LO sleeps MUCH better in her own space. Her crib is set up in our room and she's figured out how to crawl over to snuggle up with me which I love, but she doesn't sleep well when snuggled up to me AT ALL. She sleeps much deeper and just more 'restful' when she's in her own space. Me, I personally love the snuggles but its not how my LO is wired apparently :( 

Maybe gently suggest to your friend to try having her LO sleep in a crib but in the same room so that way her baby has its own space but can still be relaxed knowing mum is nearby??? 

Also, even though I have NO idea what my LO is trying to "say" I am finding that when she's flipping out in a screaming fit, that I'm having success with sitting her on my lap and talking to her the way I would a toddler having a tantrum. I just say that I understand that she's upset, but that when she screams like that I have no hope of knowing what it is that she needs or wants. And then I ask her to please try to tell me what she needs calmly. Its strange, but I AM finding that she'll quiet down and start "cooing" at me with her little "Mmmmmm" noises and "Aaaaah" noises and if I ask if she needs something and its not what she needs/wants she'll either stay silent or shriek at me momentarily (frustrated at me no doubt) and if it is what she'd like, she'll make an affirmative type noise. (At least this is what i've decided to interpret things as) 

Gotta run she's found mobility & a newfound love for the kitchen.


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## socitycourty

i'm burned out too......we started out as full AP and mostly still are except for her issues with BF, she had to go on prescription formula. other than that it's all "natural" we sleep together, i feed 90% of her bottles, babywear, etc. i am just exhausted and feel like i dug myself a hole because she never settles for anyone else. i refuse to do CIO even though i really need some sleep (alone) as i'm grumpy and tired all the time.


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## Irish Eyes

I think that attachment parenting doesn't have to be one route fits all, that goes against what you're trying to achieve which is a happy, loved baby. I was desperate to co-sleep and we even bought a super kingsize bed so he could stay as long as he needed. This ended up being 3 months, he hates me being in his space! He is a terrible sleeper so we have to do what works for him. I also imagined wearing him a lot more but he only allows me to wear him for short periods of time outside. You're doing an amazing job in raising your son, are you & your friend able to do some childcare duties for each other?


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## fifi-folle

ap'ing 2 14.5 months apart is leading to burnout for me but the lo's need ap so I have to do what i can to prevent me burning out such as 1hr yoga class a week, sometimes going upstairs to tidy etc when dh is home just to have some space. Not sure what else i can do as there's no-one to help other than dh who works full time.


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## Dragonfly

I think we all parents to our personalities, some wont like AP, some wont like the more mainstream approaches. I did Ap before I knew there was a name for it because it came naturally to me. I didnt do it all according to a book or plan, I must baby wear etc. I think many also get confused with what AP is, its meeting your childs needs and doing whats best for your child . We all do AP actually to in some way. If your friend is not happy doing that you cant force someone to do something and be happy with it if they arnt. Bit like someone saying to me to cio , cc and sleep train my baby just because when its not a thing I would do. I wouldnt be happy then either. Having a baby is tiring no matter what way you parent, unless you are loaded and have some sort of night nanny and day care nanny and do nothing. Which isnt likely. It can be harder at the start and pay off more, work has to be put in to achieve the results. There are no quick fixes in Ap, so that can turn so many off. Plus if you are surrounded by peolpe who dont agree thats also adding to it. Support her in whatever her venture, I wouldnt like the slagging off of AP, things work for people that dont work for others. Clearly it didnt work for her. She should parent how she sees fit.


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## tigerlilly

I so wanted the Ap route, bf on demand and cloth diaper and use a sling. It ended up with my lo being born with tongue tie and couldn't latch and the TT was missed so he was formula fed this broke my heart but he needed to feed and as the delivery was tramatic my milk didn't come in for two wks. I use sposies at the moment and want cloth but the ones I have are to bulky.

I wanted to bed share but being so tired when winding lo I fell asleep and he rolled of the bed! :cry::dohh: so now i can't sleep unless he's in his cot. All in all I was trying so hard to be a 'perfect mum' taking into account the earth mother type role too boot! And the whole experiance left me with PND and took me over 6 weeks to feel anything for my baby and couldn't function as a mother let alone anything else. So one day I said to myself ' get a grip and just be his mum' so that what I do and our lives changed over night.

I take principles from AP and apply them to my baby after all every baby is different right? So go with the parts that work for lo and don't become fixated on the whole thing, accepting this is a toughy. my adaptions:-

* I feed lo on demand with mixed feeding and he can now bf quite well but we still need to work on it so we can get him off formula.

* Where sleeping is concered lo is very happy to sleep in his cot next to our bed and he knows if he wants mummy all i have to do is reach across and I'm there and can be seen. we quite often lay in our beds just smiling at each other untill we fall a sleep.

I can't think of anything worse then not being able to function as a person because of a lack of sleep, it's awful isn't it? I find just getting some regular sleep makes me a better mum to my lo which allows me to spend lots of quality time with him during the day and is a small trade off from the rules of ap for a happy mom and baby. I found after a while i was resenting my baby because I was so tired and when ur that desperate u don't think straight! On the plus side I do baby wear and he loves being in his Moby Wrap.

I felt there is a very fine line between Ap/and the perfect mother. I couldn't match 'the perfect mother' image that was in my head. so I told myself 'for god sake just be his mum and work with my instints. I have a calm, confident happy lo and a happy mum. yes we need to nuture our babies but we also need to nuture ourselves.


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## lozzy21

Tiggerlilly just because you don't BF, co sleep or use a sling dosent mean your not AP. You could do all of those but not AP or do none and still AP. Its not a set of things you have to do or your thrown out of the club, it's about having an understanding of your baby's needs and not pushing them to do those things before they are ready. 


As a newborn and a baby if my daughter cried at bedtime I would stay and help her sleep, ther by cuddling or bringing her in with me. Now she's older some nights she decides she does not want to go to bed and staying up with mummy and daddy is more fun. She will scream and paddy in her cot and on those nights I will lay her down in her cot, tell her it's bedtime and leave the room, il go back every few mins and do the same thing. She usually only does it twice and then starts chatting to the teddys in her cot before going to sleep. To me I'm still AP although some may disagree but it's about want and need. She may want to stay up but she needs to go to bed as she's tired, she needs a decent sleep otherwise she's crabby and does not learn anything. 

However if she's crying because she's ill or something's spooked her or just needs help going to sleep then I go back to what I did when she was a newborn and rock her to sleep.


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## jcg0506

I agree that you don't have to do all of the AP things all the time in order to still be an AP parent. For instance , even Dr. Sears, AP guru, says that if cosleeeping isn't helping everyone get a better night's sleep, then don't do it; do whatever works best for the whole family. And if you're not taking enough care of yourself and getting burned out then you'll have a hard time meeting your child's needs too. By the way, we did use the No Cry Sleep Solution as well as some of our own ideas to help gently train our baby to sleep through the night. It was gradual, took several months, but didn't involve CIO. It's not like cosleeeping or CIO are the only options. It sounds like both you and your friend are sleep deprived and that's what's causing the burn out. Rather than chuck the whole AP philosophy, I would work on doing whatever you need to get everyone sleeping better, and the rest will fall into place a little better. Hoping your friend hasn't thrown the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. Good luck, I know both of you are just trying to be the best mothers you can.


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## aliss

Sounds like your friend is just bouncing from one extreme to another. She needs to learn to find balance - that can take time, for sure. It's not so black and white.

If it wasn't for AP, I'd probably hate my 1st child. He was such a difficult baby, I grew so resentful, if it wasn't for babywearing and it being "okay" to support him with AP methods rather than leave him to cry it out at a very young age, I'd probably not have the same love for him. For every one girl who finds her kid "too attached" after, there is someone like me who wouldn't have any attachment at all.


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## fidget

I'm getting to the point where I'm doubting my decisions now, so I'm feeling for your friend! Littlest is just so so hard, he cries all the time, even when being worn, he's never content, he naps for 20 minutes, wakes in the night constantly etc etc, and I'm so tired. Battling pnd, the terrible twos and a high needs baby is just killing me


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## Broodypants

I think whatever style of parenting you choose if you don't get a break from time to time anyone is going to feel burnt out. It's a demanding job being a parent and we all need to be able to properly relax from time to time. Does your friends husband not give her some time off at the weekends? I agree that she needs to find a balance, by going in the exact opposite way she could make her life even harder.

My youngest is much much harder work than his sister and although he's not high needs as such I have found it a struggle at times, so I make sure I get some time to myself at the weekends, even if it's just popping out to the shop for twenty mins, walking the dogs or even just having a shower uninterrupted, it all helps and gives me a valuable break.


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