# UK Adoption advice.



## slb80

Here is a little but of background info about us. We have been ttc for over four years. Nothing happened so we went for tests and found we had a few fertility issues. At that time my dh was quite ill and waiting for a transplant. We had a disscussionand decided that because our pct didnt fund ivf we didnt want to get into debt to try and we would look into adoption once dh was on the mend. Dh had his transplant and was doing well then we get a letter from our pct for an ivf cycle. We decided to give it one last shot so had th
e cycle. We recently had the cycle and it failed. As I said adoption has bern an option fir a while and I understand that we will need to wait for a while before we start yhe process . I am just wondering if my dh transplant will effect our adoption chances and also is yhereanything we can do to prepare ourselves/ house ect before we apply. I have also been told we need childcare experance? How much us needed? Is having my sisters 5 children from time to time enough? We also spend a lot of time with frirnds children. 

Any advice will be greatfully recived. 

Also sorry if this post is littered with errors. I am posting from my phone and cant see the text I am typing. 

Thank you


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## Lolly1985

Hi Slb, I remember you from the St mary's thread. So sorry your cycle failed, it is so heartbreaking, big hugs and one day at a time.

I am still new to all this and learning all the time but here are a few things I have picked up which may help...

I think in terms of adoption they would probably do your medicals at an early stage to see what/if there are any implications to your hubby being able to parent a child to adulthood. There is actually a thread on adoption uk on the 'prospective adopters' message board. unfortunately you can't post unless a member (a charge for membership) His transplant and the after effects may alter the type of child you may be considered for, but i'm sure if he is well now it is unlikely to be a no!

I think your childcare experience sounds good, but each agency has a different view on what they look for. Volunteering is another string to your bow, and if you have time, i'm sure it is very rewarding. But for many SWs I think your experience with family is more than enough.

In terms of prep, read, these typesw of threads, and adoption uk, fertility friends, are great. I have learnt more from these than any book. Be open minded too. there is a lot of scare mongering with adoption and it is easy to get wrapped up in that negativity. But the people doing it and living it are so inspiring, just read their posts about how in love with their LOs and you will see a true view of adoption.

Like you say you will need to wait at least 6 months post treatment to start the process, but calling some agencies for more info or a adoption pack is allowed! Look at both Local Authority services and Voluntary gencies. Again on FF and AUK there are many threads outlining the differences.

I wouldn't worry too much about your home at this stage. SW will visit early on and let you know of anything that may need altering. Outside areas need to be safe and secure so fencing, no big drops etc, and steps or stairs will need rails etc. 

Hope this is ok for now... take care, Lolly xxxx :hugs:


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## Lolly1985

Ok, having just read the thread on AUK I see it is actually you... :rofl:


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## slb80

Thank you Lolly, Yep posted on there and ask pretty much the same question. I also noticed there are a few people who have had transplants and gone in the be successful so that gives me hope. I think I have two worries. One is a little bit of dept ( going to ask my mum nicely if she will lend us the money to pay it off) and that we have pets. A few tbh got 2 horses, 2dogs, 2 cats and a bunny. I know someone who fosters and she said they will just need to be assessed and is is fine. I also think we are leaning towards va at the mo but it is still early days. 
How far along are you?


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## Lolly1985

We had debt too hun and with loving support of family managed to clear it to put us in the best possible position going forward. They said it was not a no but when it came to matching a child's SW would maybe sway towards others who were better off than us. She also felt panel may question our 'irresponsibility' to get in that position, why and also why we didn't wait until it was all paid off (in 3 years time) We are very lucky tohave fab parents who were in a position to help, as after everything we wanted the journey to be as smooth as possible.

Yep, pets will need assessments and they may ask what would happen if the child was allergic etc. But I think it will be a huge positive too, what wonderful experiences you will be able to give a child! My cat needs an assessment, apparently it is just a single sided check list. Dogs may be a bit more in depth and may have to be assessed by a professional, but if they are not violent (I imagine they are massive softies!) you should be fine. They may also question time commitments that your animals may place on you and how would a child fit into this. But as long as you are ready with good answers you will be fine!

We had our first home study session yesterday with our brilliant VA. Looked into LA extensively but they were all over the shop to be honest and didn't give us the positive and welcoming vibe from our VA. xxxx :hugs:


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## slb80

The debt is what is left in a c/c and student overdraft from dh student days and is about 6k. I have spoken to my mum about it and she might be able to help us out in a year but not right now. She has just given my sister money for a car. I am thinking about just getting a consolidation lost for now to reduce it a bit. The thought if waiting another 5 years fills me with dread. I would be 37 before we even started the process. 
The dogs are gems. They love lo more than adults. They spend a lot of time with children at the farm and at home. I am more worried about the bunny who can be a bit grumpy. I am already putting into place putting both the horses on part loan a few days a week to reduce that workload. I plan on finishing work until our lo is in full time school. 

How long has it been since your failed treatment? From all the reading I have done so far la can be a nightmare and va tend to be better. I know two lon term foster carers and both of those are with va and say la sw be a nightmare! They have scared me off la. 

Did you choose sex? What sort if age group are you hoping for? 

Thankyou for your info. It is being very helpful. It will be great to see your story Xx


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## slb80

St Mary thread? You are in Manchester then?


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## Lolly1985

Thinking about it I didn't mean St Mary's thread exactly, but the ICSI 2011 thread :dohh: But yes we were treated at St Mary's along with Tinks, do you remember? My last cycle failed October 2011. We started enquiring (just ringing) the following January and met with the LA (march) and VA (april) for initial interviews. Then we waited until the september on their advice to clear the debt. Spoke to them both again in September and decided on our fab VA.

I think consolodating it is a positive step. We did that and they commended us for 'planning ahead'. But ultimately we wanted it gone. Ours was left over from my ex taking everything when we split up :growlmad: and my DF having to sell his house when him and his ex split up and making a substancial loss. These things happen, and at the time no one is thinking 'oh no, the SWs won't be happy with this...' :wacko:

Your pets sound great, and you seem to have a lot sorted in your head already. All big positives.

We are hoping for 1 or 2, either sex but preference for a boy, aged 0-3, but preference for younger child. That bit relatively easy. The hard bit is when they start to question what type of child you would accept and what backgrounds you will consider. I find that extremely hard and get big guilt trips. But its all part of the process. Our second home study session is 22nd Nov and we are also doing CRBs and having medicals before Christmas.

:hugs: xxx :hugs:


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## slb80

I remember Tinks yes. Did she get her bfp? 

I think we were planning on making calls in Jan. I imagine it will be very hard not to get guilt trips. I am sure I will feel the same. I am sure women are more sensitive ti that dirt of thing and men are a bit more black and white. There do you find out about va? Is that on adoption uk? 

How exciting for you it all seems to be moving pretty fast for you now :happydance:

I look forward to following your journey. :flower:


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## Lolly1985

Looking in her journal she is about 10 weeks with twins, but to be honest I rarely stray too far onto other sections as it can hurt even now. Not to say i'm not 100% sure that this is our path.

Yay, roll on January!! :thumbup:

This should help:

https://www.adoption22.co.uk/site/page.aspx?pid=21

:hugs:


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## slb80

Lolly1985 said:


> Looking in her journal she is about 10 weeks with twins, but to be honest I rarely stray too far onto other sections as it can hurt even now. Not to say i'm not 100% sure that this is our path.
> 
> Yay, roll on January!! :thumbup:
> 
> This should help:
> 
> https://www.adoption22.co.uk/site/page.aspx?pid=21
> 
> :hugs:



Firstly thank you for the link. It will be a great help! 

Secondly I know exactly how you feel. I was sure adoption would be our path even before we went through with the icsi. We only decided to give the cycle to put closure on it all and to get rid of the what if question. It does still hurt even though you know you are on the right path. I have been reading a lot on peoples adoption journeys and have come across a few who have been in our situation and said in hindsight the wish they didn't do ivf and went straight on to adoption. I honestly believe the reason we haven't been given a biological child is because we have so much more to give. When ever I feel a bit sad or that pang of jealousy I remember that and it makes me feel better :hugs:


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## Lolly1985

Thats lovely, and so true. I felt that way before we finished our cycles too. We were 'lucky' as we had 3 funded, however part way through the second one I wanted it all to be over. DF said we musn't give up, but I knew in my heart it wasn't meant to be. We talked a lot about adoption but also continued with the cycles to get rid of the 'what ifs'. Thats not to say I wouldn't have been over the moon if it had worked - of course not! I just knew fate had other ideas. I have also read many stroies of people who felt that way, and I think I may be one of them! I often say to DF that when we get our child we will be so thankful we didn't get pregnant as it wouldn't have lead us to our true baby. I really hope it all just makes sense when we get to that stage. I am hopeful it will. But just think that if we hadn't have had all had the various treatments and cycles etc then the timings would have been so different and wouldn't have lead us to our child/ren.

Do you have any gut instincts about sex, age, siblings or not? It is hard at this stage and doesn't really all make sense until you have done a prep course (I think). It changed our minds over a few things which surprised me.

Hope you have some nice things planned for today xxx


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## slb80

Had a lovely day today thanks. Took the dogs on a long walk. I love just going for walks and taking my camera. Did you have a good weekend? 

You really sound like you have a similar outlook to me. I don't mind what sex but there is something saying girl. This is really odd as I always sweyed more boy right through ttc. With age my gut is saying 0-5 years but sweying to maybe 2-4. Again I don't know where this has come from. I am sure a lot will change when we get as far as speaking to sw and doing our prep but I am guessing that will about a year away with this cycle not long failed. Just think in a year in theory you should have been approved by panel and may have even been matched with a child. I say theory because I am sure the time frames don't always happen. You must keep me up to date in everything. Xx


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## Lolly1985

Gut insticts count for a lot. Although in saying that I have read threads where preferences change drastically when reading a child's profile and some people just know that this is their child. Everything else has gone out the window.

Glad you had a good weekend, love going out walking with the dogs. Not our own by MILs. We have had a busy saturday and lazy sunday, so about right!

Once our official application is processed they have to get you to panel within 8 months (assuming nothing major is flagged during home study and checks) Well it was processed on 23rd October so heres hoping we will at least be approved next year - everything crossed!

Come and join us on Loski's adoption journey chat thread! There are people there that have LOs home, have been matched, are from US and UK, are just starting out, enquiring as to whether adoption is the path for them. A good mix and the more the merrier! :hugs: xxx :hugs:


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## Loski83

I agree with lolly come and join us, we all give each other advice and support throughout the adoption process.


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