# Competitive parents at primary school



## lovejoy

My dd started reception this week. I like most mums worry about everything. 

My dd alwys seemed advanced so I was worried school would make her bored. I also feared she'd get bullied for being different "too. smart". 

That was until this week.It seems I'm not being pushy enough. My dd likes learning and I encourage her interest, but that's all, I'm not really pushy. My dd can read up to phase 3 jolly phonics and is probably just above year 1 in terms of maths and science. When she was young she received a peppa pig phonic toy and learnt the first set of sounds.after that she bugged me to keep teaching her so I found the materials etc. DD is a typical girls like playing dress up and having princess tea parties.

Yesterday I got talking to one of the mums waiting for the bus. The mum was rushing to take her daughter, also in reception, to her math tutor. 

Then this morning in the playground their was a mum & a dad who had their son reading out all the words that were displayed around the garden area. They made sure everyone could hear him, beforehe moved on to the numbers board. 

Now I'm worrying. How much is too much for a 5 year old really? I don't want her to hate learning because I pushed her too hard, but I don't want her to fail because I didn't push enough.
I'm a single mum,soI don't have anyone to bounce ideas off. Before school started I didn't want to talk about what my daughter can do because it seems like bragging but maybe she's behind lol. 

DD is my eldest so this is my first experience of primary school. 
Is it always like this?


----------



## embo216

Unfortunately there are always parents like this :( I just make I don't stand anywhere near them next time :wink: 

For me personally I don't do any extra learning at home apart from the homework and reading. My eldest is 7 and she's above average and again I've not done any extra learning outside of school so the process is working :)


----------



## jd83

If their kids are genuinely that interested in learning all the time, good for them. But personally, I think there can definitely be a point of too much with it, and they need time to just be kids and enjoy childhood. I want my kids to learn as much as they can, and excel. But I also want them to enjoy all the whimsy of being young and carefree, not tethered to a desk learning nonstop. There's no joy in that. You have to have a good balance of learning and allowing them to just be kids. Don't let others make you feel bad for that.


----------



## Eleanor ace

Carry on taking your DD's lead, that's the best way. If you're worried that your DD is falling behind talk to her teacher and see whether she feels the same, but honestly it sounds like she's doing great.


----------



## LeannieB

Hi its sounds like she is doing great. Dont worry. If they teachers have any concerns they will tell you. She is only 5 and still so little. Just for an example my eldest birthday is 27th august. He was just 4 when he started school and I used to worry at first and I tried not to compare but its hard not to. You could tell he was the youngest but not now he is in Year 3 and he is above age expected and he has caught up with the top readers in his class. My other little boy has just gone into year 1 (july birthday) and he is doing great. I always make sure I do their reading and homework with them but im guided by them. Try not to worry x


----------



## lovejoy

LeannieB said:


> Hi its sounds like she is doing great. Dont worry. If they teachers have any concerns they will tell you. She is only 5 and still so little. Just for an example my eldest birthday is 27th august. He was just 4 when he started school and I used to worry at first and I tried not to compare but its hard not to. You could tell he was the youngest but not now he is in Year 3 and he is above age expected and he has caught up with the top readers in his class. My other little boy has just gone into year 1 (july birthday) and he is doing great. I always make sure I do their reading and homework with them but im guided by them. Try not to worry x



I already have this worry about next year. My youngest birthday is 1st August and she starts reception next year. :dohh: the joys of schooling.

I really thought the craziness started with schools when kids are older and maybe in year 3. I think this morning just had me feeling like lazy mum.


----------



## lau86

I actually think it takes a lot of strength not to push kids like this, who doesn't want their kid to excel and be the best? But I don't think it's helpful at all, why does a 5 yr old need a maths tutor? At the end of the day if they're bright enough they will get it, if they're not academic then pushing is just going to dent their confidence more. I think you're dd sounds great and I would keep doing what you're doing.


----------



## Midnight_Fairy

I just smile and ignore &#9786;


----------



## Cattia

This is the craziest thing ever! Luckily we haven't come across this at DD's school yet, but I feel so sorry for these poor kids. Who in the heck gets their kid a maths tutor at age 5? Some people are insane.


----------



## Pearls18

I haven't talked to one parent yet, I get in and out quicker than you can say "jolly phonics", not sure why the school gates are seen as a sociable place anyway I've got things to do, so that's my tactic about not worrying about anyone else :haha: ignore, ignore, ignore.


----------



## hayz_baby

Ds1 doesn't start till tomorrow so I yet to discover this. Ds1 is delayed in his speech and tbh will never be top of his class. Putting that down makes me seem like a horrid mother but we encourage where possible problem is he isn't academic. We have friends who have dubbed their little boy "gifted" and go on about how clever he is and I won't lie it gets to me, heck their boy learnt French words when ds1 could barely form words together so I totally get what you mean. Do what your doing, you don't have to be book smart to be clever and not everyone can be top of the class. And like MWag says, ignore ignore ignore. (Although I tend to be one of them social mums at the gate ;) )


----------



## dimmu

Maths tutor at reception??? Seriously?

DD started reception this week and I'm yet to find out what the other parents are like. DD is one of the unlucky ones who has to do breakfast and after school clubs because of our working hours, but I wonder if that in fact makes me the lucky one as it means I don't get to see this school gate competition!

The school itself didn't seem to expect that much from the kids, during the home visit they asked if she could write her name so I assume it's ok if they can't. DD can write hers and a few other words such as mum, dad, dog, and her writing is very neat compared to many other kids. BUT I don't think she's particularly gifted or advanced at this stage, just that as a September child she's one of the oldest and is by her very nature prone to enjoying quieter activities such as drawing and writing that require sitting still and concentrating, something I imagine more lively and boisterous children, especially boys, might struggle with!:)

Quite curious now to see if there are any of these super competitive parents around!


----------



## lovejoy

MarineWAG said:


> I haven't talked to one parent yet, I get in and out quicker than you can say "jolly phonics", not sure why the school gates are seen as a sociable place anyway I've got things to do, so that's my tactic about not worrying about anyone else :haha: ignore, ignore, ignore.

It's hard to ignore other parents because the school is in the middle of nowhere most have to travel to get there. So we(the parents) are normally there 10 minutes before school starts/finishes to avoid being late. That's how the chit chat starts. I guess I have to figure out who are the pushy parents and avoid them. 

I just hope DD likes school.So far she said it's too long and the stories they read are boring.She just wants to play outside all day,bless her.
There was a meeting last week and the teacher said homework starts straight away. Once a week the kids come home with a book to read and a worksheet. This week she got two books and I have to review her reading in a parent to teacher book. 

Other then that we've had a dress up weekend with loads of barbies, shopkins and no tutoring whatsoever lol.


----------



## Pearls18

I know what you mean, we have just moved to this area and it's a village, literally everyone's kids go here and 70% of the village (including us) are linked with one employer so it's VERY close knit, although I still run in and out haha, but like the pp I will be using morning and after school clubs from 2 weeks time and working full time so tbh I'm not really looking to be sociable as I won't see them again after these 2 weeks! I find the school pick up VERY weird, my son has been in daycare since he was 1 so I've been doing pick up and drop offs for years, but it's such a different dynamic, I'm not just saying this (my husband said it too and he's done a couple drops) it feels like everyone is staring at you as you walk through the playground, I feel like an alien, a lot of the mums already know each other through their husbands, it immediately feels judgemental before people even say anything, it's very, very odd. I'm looking forward to starting work and avoiding it tbh, but that said if I was to remain I just wouldn't get into those conversations, stick to the weather- safe ground! And if people do say things that worry you, remember that's between them and their child, I'm sure you, your child and their teacher are trying their best and that's all you can ask.


----------



## alibaba24

I try to totally avoid any playground chit chat. there are certain clicks and people i know i want to avoid etc so I just get my head down and power walk the buggy home after drop off. I absolutely do not like getting dragged into conversations about kids abilities and behaviours good or bad or bad mouthing the teachers etc so In my mind Ignorance is bliss when it comes to these things


----------



## bumpy_j

The quickest way to get children disinterested in learning is by overdoing it.
If you already know everything that your peers are in the process of learning, it's pretty easy to fall into the lazy trap because you're not learning to keep your attention span in check within a classroom setting. Finding the balance is vital so that learning from your teachers remains engaging. 

Mind you I come from a Grammar school county and knew people who were getting tutored for their eleven plus YEARS before the actual exam. I've definitely seen this at its worst...


----------



## caz_hills

My son started school last week. I am a person who loves a good chit chat at the school gates but j hate the competitive nature. I am proud of our boy for what he can do - he isn't great at everything but who's child is?!

I agree - ignore it and just encourage and praise!


----------



## LaughOutLoud

I don't agree with pushing children to learn the academics, especially at this age. What about allowing them to just be children? What about doing things that they actually enjoy? (if they enjoy learning academics all the time, go for it) but there has to be a balance. They learn at school and I'd rather be doing fun things and building on their personality so that they are confident, well-rounded individuals. 

Im coming from my own personal experience in that my grades are amazing (all exceeding) and im a post graduate but personality wise, I struggled a lot growing up and even as an adult I lacked the confidence. Its not just about being 'clever'.

Ignore them!


----------



## Rags

I have spent the last 5 years avoiding 'competitive parents' at the different groups I've taken my Ds to. I decided before I had my son that I would bring him up the way that worked for both of us and I've been absolutely amazed at how many people are desperate to tell me what they think of my choices compared to theirs - never in the positive for my views of course. So having had 5 years of building up avoidance techniques I'm now finding that they are very useful at the school gate. As long as my Ds is happy with what he is accomplishing and the teachers aren't telling me they have any concerns I am perfectly happy. Good luck with your fabulously intelligent little girl.


----------



## FlumpsMamma

My daughter has just started reception, she can read a bit and do a little bit of maths and is generally rather clever for a 4 year old. I have never seen any parents like that at my school, some put their kids in numerous after school clubs (dancing, gymnastics etc.) at home my daughter does her homework and reading with me and occasional maths. We paint and play and she learns like that. I wouldn't worry about your child, I'd worry about the children of the pushy parents they are the ones suffering the most.


----------



## vaniilla

I'm not sure that being pro-active and pushy are the same thing, pushy seems to be something negative and suggests that children are forced to excel at things, there is nothing wrong being active in your child's education and doing activities with them to foster an interest or improve a skill. LO does learning at home in small chunks during the day, especially phonics since he had speech therapy in the past and we want to continue his progress and improve his confidence, he loves science so we watch and read a lot about it. 


I've not heard any competitive comments yet (3 weeks in so might still come across it!) but if I did I wouldn't worry, children are all different and can't be compared - DH had severe speech delay as a child didn't do very well in school and was made to feel stupid, I've always excelled at school and yet DH's IQ is in the top 1% and mine is much lower, children all excel in different ways and intelligence and learning style come in all shapes and sizes.


----------



## RachA

I just ignore them. There are a lot at the school my two go to. Loads of the parents do their children's homework for them. 

At this stage I don't think any child should have private tuition. It's important to see how they develop at their own rate. 
I think it's important for children to be themselves and not what their parents are wanting them to be. 
Schooling at age 5 should be fun. If your child wants to learn then encourage then but if they don't then they shouldn't be pushed. 
Neither of my children are advanced or gifted or anything above 'normal'. I certainly wouldn't be considering extra tuition at this stage.


----------



## Rags

RachA said:


> I just ignore them. There are a lot at the school my two go to. Loads of the parents do their children's homework for them.

Lol lots and lots. This has really made me chortle. Last night Ds did his phonics home work, which he enjoys, and was halfheartedly colouring in the picture that goes along with it (a drum and drum sticks). He doesn't like colouring in, never has done, so was a little annoyed when he said he was finished and I pointed out the drum sticks still needed done. He got a brown pen and quickly scribbled on them briefly and went to put the jotter away - and I found myself picking up the brown pen to finish if the sticks!! I did stop myself but was so close...


----------



## RachA

Rags said:


> RachA said:
> 
> 
> I just ignore them. There are a lot at the school my two go to. Loads of the parents do their children's homework for them.
> 
> Lol lots and lots. This has really made me chortle. Last night Ds did his phonics home work, which he enjoys, and was halfheartedly colouring in the picture that goes along with it (a drum and drum sticks). He doesn't like colouring in, never has done, so was a little annoyed when he said he was finished and I pointed out the drum sticks still needed done. He got a brown pen and quickly scribbled on them briefly and went to put the jotter away - and I found myself picking up the brown pen to finish if the sticks!! I did stop myself but was so close...Click to expand...

It is so tempting isn't it. I've had to stop myself making things neater. My brother taught 8-13 year olds and he knew exactly which parents completed their homework for them. That's always stuck with me and my poor sons sent in really rubbish projects that he's done himself and the rest of the classes looked amazing because the parents did them.


----------



## jd83

RachA said:


> Rags said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> RachA said:
> 
> 
> I just ignore them. There are a lot at the school my two go to. Loads of the parents do their children's homework for them.
> 
> Lol lots and lots. This has really made me chortle. Last night Ds did his phonics home work, which he enjoys, and was halfheartedly colouring in the picture that goes along with it (a drum and drum sticks). He doesn't like colouring in, never has done, so was a little annoyed when he said he was finished and I pointed out the drum sticks still needed done. He got a brown pen and quickly scribbled on them briefly and went to put the jotter away - and I found myself picking up the brown pen to finish if the sticks!! I did stop myself but was so close...Click to expand...
> 
> It is so tempting isn't it. I've had to stop myself making things neater. My brother taught 8-13 year olds and he knew exactly which parents completed their homework for them. That's always stuck with me and my poor sons sent in really rubbish projects that he's done himself and the rest of the classes looked amazing because the parents did them.Click to expand...

My SIL teaches, and has told me the same thing, lol. I make it a point to not directly help him with his homework by doing it for him, due to her saying that. I will explain what he needs to show, point it out on the papers, etc, but he has to actually do it himself. even if it looks like a bunch of scribbled mumbo jumbo, lol.


----------



## karlilay

My 4 year old has just started reception, he doesn't know what his own name is half the time, can't hold and pencil for shit, and just wants to pretend to shoot everyone with what ever gun he mocks up.
Your little girl sounds like superstar!


----------

