# I want to actually kill myself...



## Marzipan_girl

I can't feel happy anymore. Everything is so wrong...and I feel constant guilt for feeling this way...
I didn't want to be pregnant. I wanted to spend this summer partying and getting ready for uni. Instead i'm single, alone and getting fatter, spending all day everyday doing NOTHING. Nobody invites me out anymore. And if I DID go clubbing, I can't enjoy myself. I'm so lonely because my boyfriend dumped me. I'm so hurt. He's off with new girls and i'm alone. Guys don't want to be with me because i'm pregnant.
I cry all the time. I can't think straight without crying. There just seems no way out. If it wasn't for the fact that my beautiful angel was dependent on me for life, I would seriously consider killing myself. I don't resent the baby. I want to live for him/her...there just seems no point in living for MYSELF.
I can't deal with it....
I'm so alone. So depressed. I have the whole summer of doing nothing to look forward to. Just thinking about my ex and crying. And thats it. 
I know. I'm an ungreatful bitch. Other women would give anything to get pregnant. If I don't feel like this why don't I get it terminated? I should have kept my legs together. I know I KNOW. :cry:

But I love my accidental angel. I don't want anything bad to happen to it. I think i'm losing my head...:cry::cry::cry:


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## aob1013

I seriously suggest you go to your GP asap and contact Samaritans if you have anymore very upsetting thoughts. I don't have much advice for you, but didn't want to read and run. x


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## booflebump

Marzipan_girl said:


> I have the whole summer of doing nothing to look forward to. Just thinking about my ex and crying. And thats it.

You have a wonderful new baby to look forward to - you arent going to be missing out on anything because you cant go out drinking, and you will get over your ex. You have hit rock bottom - now you can work your way up again. But please see your GP and discuss how you are feeling :hugs:

x


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## polo_princess

You need to speak to your GP hun and try to get some help :hugs:


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## rainbows_x

Oh hun, speak to your GP huge :hugs: to you.


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## Zebra Stars

i agree with everyone else


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## samone00

i think you should see a doctor


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## AriannasMama

So sorry you are feeling this way, and I agree to talk to your GP about this, I also agree with booflebump to remember you are going to have a beautiful baby to look forward to! I thought my summer was going to be different too, I will be turning 21 two months before the baby comes (in the states thats when its legal to drink) and I deff cant go out to do that but I am looking much more forward to my little one coming into this world! As for your ex, you will get over him and find someone who loves you and your baby, any man who runs out on his child is not worth your time! Cheer up hun :). :flower:


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## AngelzTears

Aww *big hugs* :hugs: I felt this way my whole 1st trimester too. I didn't like my life at all, and if it weren't for my little baby relying on my so much I probably would have done something stupid. I think it's a combination of loads of stress with our hormones added on top of it. It's awful. I felt loads better once I got into my 2nd trimester and I had kind of sorted my feelings a little bit better, plus my mood leveled out better. Hope the same happens for you, cause it did get better. =] 

Also, just a suggestion, maybe it would help if you made plans for your summer, so you don't feel like you're not doing anything? I have no plans for my summer either really, since I don't have anyone to go with. I go to the movies or go take a nice walk in the sunshine, or just walk around the mall. I'm hoping to plan something more interesting lol, but we'll see if anything actually happens. If you stay active you'll get things off your mind a lot more. Maybe pick up a hobby of some sort, or take like pregnancy yoga classes so you have other girls to relate to around you? :hugs:


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## veganmum2be

awh hun :hugs:
i too suggest going to gp, when things get so bad that killing yourself is on your mind, its time to get help.
i know to an extent what the lonliness is like, i have no one but my mum that i see regularly, i can go days without hearing another voice or talking. its weird. but i dont really miss what you are missing, so therefore i can see it being harder on you.
do think about getting some help/talking to someone, these days you dont just get thrown in the loony bin when things get so bad you need help, they do actualy try and help and there could be many things to try and lift your mood :hugs: xxxxx


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## Marzipan_girl

Thankyou everyone...my mum forced me to go to my doctor last week because she can't stand seeing me like this. My doc just said there wasn't anything she could do. I used to be on antidepressants but she wont prescribe them now, even though I read they aren't dangerous to the baby. I am looking forward to my baby...but for some reason everything looks so bleak at the moment. My days are long and drawn out without any glimmer of light. And I seem to be permenantly crying. I just wish I had friends to go out with but I don't :(


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## samone00

big hugs


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## AppleBlossom

I agree, you need to speak to someone before it gets out of hand x


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## veganmum2be

sorry that your gp let you down.
it is the case, some take you seriously, some don't, if you really do want to go down the help route, could you see another gp? they all have different views on things and follow different procedures. some will laugh it off, some will do everything they can.
is there a local group you could go along to? to give yourself an oppertunity to meet new people? xxxx


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## SugarKisses

hugs


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## ~RedLily~

i would see another doctor then there are anti depressants you can have and even a minimum dose will make all the difference or you could talk to a councellor, your dr was wrong to say theres nothing she can do. no one should be left feeling like this. even if it doesnt feel like it things will get better soon and we are always here to talk (i know its not the same as 'real friends'). :hugs:


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## aob1013

Just out of interest Marzipan_Girl, do you work? x


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## xgem27x

I would suggest talking to your doctor or midwife about how your feeling! Sounds like your having a hard time, and I expect all those pregnancy hormones aren't helping!

If you need something to take your mind off things, why not put your energy into getting things sorted for little one! Buy a few baby things or something, it may help to get you focusing on little one and not your ex!

Your baby is the most important person in your life right now, and when he/she is born, none of what you are feeling now will matter! 

It must be scary being pregnant and feeling alone! There are so many single teen mums or expectant mums on here you should talk to! 

Do you have family around you to help and support? Is FOB doing anything to help you and the baby out?

I hope things get a bit better for you soon! Keep your chin up, it will all be worth it in the end! xxx


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## veganmum2be

anti depressants aren't even the only answer, there are many things doctors and nurses do these days to improve the mood/lives of people who are struggling :)


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## Marzipan_girl

thedailymail said:


> Just out of interest Marzipan_Girl, do you work? x

No i'm at sixth form trying to finish off my A levels, and it does help alot getting myself to school and concentrating on stuff, but I only have a little while longer and I know it's going to get worse. Plus at school my friends have all moved on and aren't interested in me now that i'm pregnant. Most of them didn't see why I was keeping it. I see their pics on facebook of them on holiday over Easter, partying with boys...and they don't invite me anywhere.


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## aob1013

I only asked as work is great way to take your mind off things. I went through a period of time of not working and it drove me bonkers. xx


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## QuintinsMommy

clubbing and parting with friends is fun but drinking isn't good for you
get out there and try to meet people who want to do things during the day

Being Single isn't that bad, its hard but Its okay, I know it takes time to get used to, but it will be okay

try to get a hobby, learn to knit for LO, or paint . 
it will help get your mind off of the bad things.


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## amandad192

I think I heard something about not giving people anti-depressants when they're pregnant.

Do you exercise regularly? It's a great way too boost your feel good hormones and lift your mood a bit.
I kind of know how you feeling, sort of, I went through a stage where I thought about taking my life about 2/3 years back, but for completely different reasons.
Your name is on the London teen meet thread, so you do have something to look forward to.
I don't really know what else to suggest, lots of sleep and a big bar bar of chocolate may sound good though.
You're not being ungrateful at all. You didn't ask to be pregnant and it sounds like it's still a bit of a shock to you. Yes, there are people who try for years and struggle to get pregnant, but there are also poeple who don't want to be pregnant but find themselves in that situation, so I think they should all sympathise with each other as all are in a position they didn't want to be in.

Once you cheer up a bit your pregnancy will fly by, then you can get a babysitter, go clubbing occasionally with your friends and have fun.

I hope your feeling better soon.
x


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## supriseBump_x

I agree, a hobby is definitely a good idea :thumbup: Or maybe u could do some voluntary work a few days a week. 
And u need 2 get mad at your ex, stop sitting feeling sorry for yourself and get *mad mad mad*! he's obviously a dick for leaving you to bring up a baby on your own!! 
Yes its hard, but its do-able and you'll be all the more stronger person for it :) :hugs:


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## leoniebabey

Big :hugs: i hope you start to feel yourself again soon
Is there some groups you could join to maby make some new friends ?
You mentioned you were at 6th form do you have a student welfare/counceller maby you could talk to them. Even just talking through your problems with someone might help!

x


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## katekatekate

Get help hun. Life is so precious and it will get better - I promise. :hugs: If you need me I'm here, any time. x


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## futuremommy91

I know a lot about those kinds of thoughts and experiences, and it's just awful. First off just let me say that I think it's wonderful that youre telling someone, anyone. Letting these things out is such an important thing to do.

I know the situation itself is very difficult, but do you think some of these feelings are associated with prepartum depression? It's extremely common and can be treated. 

Either way it is SO important that you go see a doctor. They will not try to do anything like take your baby away- they will just try to help you. And wouldn't it be worth it if you felt just a little bit better?

If you need a text buddy or anything just PM me- I've been this low many times and I know how difficult it can be to raise yourself out. But you can do it.

:hugs:


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## Wobbles

Marzipan_girl said:


> I can't feel happy anymore. Everything is so wrong...and I feel constant guilt for feeling this way...
> I didn't want to be pregnant. I wanted to spend this summer partying and getting ready for uni. Instead i'm single, alone and getting fatter, spending all day everyday doing NOTHING. Nobody invites me out anymore. And if I DID go clubbing, I can't enjoy myself. I'm so lonely because my boyfriend dumped me. I'm so hurt. He's off with new girls and i'm alone. Guys don't want to be with me because i'm pregnant.
> I cry all the time. I can't think straight without crying. There just seems no way out. If it wasn't for the fact that my beautiful angel was dependent on me for life, I would seriously consider killing myself. I don't resent the baby. I want to live for him/her...there just seems no point in living for MYSELF.
> I can't deal with it....
> I'm so alone. So depressed. I have the whole summer of doing nothing to look forward to. Just thinking about my ex and crying. And thats it.
> I know. I'm an ungreatful bitch. Other women would give anything to get pregnant. If I don't feel like this why don't I get it terminated? I should have kept my legs together. I know I KNOW. :cry:
> 
> But I love my accidental angel. I don't want anything bad to happen to it. I think i'm losing my head...:cry::cry::cry:

:hugs:

Your emotions are up and down and having a baby is scary for most people.

FOB - Don't want to comment on his relations so quickly with other girls not knowing the full story, but you know if hes done a drop and run because he can then he's not someone you should miss although theres no doubt in my mind it hurts so much :( his weakenss will be your strenght even if you don't see it now.

There also comes a time in everyones life where friendships are tested and if your friends haven't made time for you just because you can't party for a while and your going to be a Mummy then they aren't worth much in friendship. Just because you are becoming a Mummy doesn't mean your life is on permanant stand still hun. Do you have a best friend? As for other guys - you don't need another one sounds like you just got rid of one arse why bring another into yours and bumps life? Don't look for love hun and one day it will all fit nicely into place for you.

I assume you have had a scan and a picture by now. Take a look at your beanie, smile and take it in :hugs:- this baby needs you and you have everything to go on for. When baby starts really moving I think that will help you I can't say I felt a physical bond with my bumps until that point esspecially with my first then it was WOW! :cloud9: thats MY little girl I feel moving and living tucked in my belly. Being a Mummy is no doubt challenging but those moments your heart melts by far takes over. 

I bet if you had a moment to yourself you would see you have much better about you, could pick youself up with your head very high, fill a paddling pool to dunk your achey feet in a crush some ice for a j20 this summer ;)

It sounds like you need some company ...What I would like you to consider is asking your MW if there are any young Mum groups around for you to join and if she doesn't know you ask her to ask the area health visitor. After baby is born there are play days and groups you can join with baby and you will make friends with others who have become great parents!

You can do this right? :hugs:


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## bbyno1

hey,so sorry to read what your going threw..iv bee threw the same thing so i hav a gd idea how you must be feeling but insted my ex got back with me but atm we seem to be going threw a ruff patch too..
where abouts in london you from?im from london aswell if you wanna talk i could meet you some time? just a thought x
and like the others said going to see another docter might help x


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## x-Lovee-x

I know it is hard to believe but things will get better! You have got a beautiful little baby on the way & when the baby is here i think your feel alot better! I agree with everyone maybe you should talk to your gp about how you feel, i know i feel better when i talk to someone. Your not alone though! Being pregnant does stop you doing alot of things but it will all be worth it & there is plenty of other things to do! 

I wouldnt worry about your ex its his loss! There is always someone better out there and your still young! Keep smiling :) Were all here for you x x


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## rubixcyoob.

Hun things might seem bad just now and unless you decide to look on the positive and be procreative then youl always feel this way :/

Don't be caught up in you exs life. He's an ex for a reason and from previous threads sounds like a douche. Who cares he's out with a random string of people? At the end of the day you have someone more precious than he will ever find and both you and your LO will find and do deserve someone better.

You say you have no friends but that will change. When you get to uni people are from all walks of life, all family situations, all places and all ages. They won't care about LO and certainly won't judge or avoid you for them.

To keep yourself occupied join a group. Whether it be a young mums, aqua natal, pregnancy yoga, a arts and crafts, anything. Just get yourself out and meet new people. This will solve the dilema of not having friends as you will meet new people and not having anything to do.

As for summer try and find work. Whether it be part time or voluntary. It will give you something to do and people to meet.

As for being single, enjoy it. You have no holds and LO all to yourself :) don't fret over not having a guy or no one seeming interested. You are looking in the wrong places at the wrong boys. One day a man will rescue you and accept you and all your past. You just have to have paitence.

I don't want this to sound harsh, I just want you to see that if you do a few simple things it can hopefully cure your dilemas without medication and build up a new, better life for you and LO xxx


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## hopeandpray

definitely keep yourself busy, make something for your baby. are you creative? maybe apint something for your LO or get a nursery ready? something that will keep you busy and helo you to focus on the future. When you have your LO every day you will have something to look forward to, first smile, first giggle, first step etc. and you will have this for the rest of your life! i know it's hard but things will get better, try never to forget that :hugs:


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## Dragonfly

Really sorry that you feel this way, Its not surpsing your young and its a life changing thing. It dosnt mean its the end of your life though. Your scared and alone, now thats scary! I know but no wonder you are upset. I see you do want your baby and am happy to see that and when your baby is born things will be so different but you wouldnt change it. I know its hard to believe as you wont know till you get there. Please do speak to a doc if you have depression anyway they have ways of helping in pregnancy. I think you will be an ok mum you know its just a lot to get the head around and all mums get scared if you didnt then you wouldnt care.


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## Marzipan_girl

Oh girls...you're all so amazing. I feel like I cast a downer on everything because i'm always so depressed and most of my posts on here have been of me moaning...but it's such a comfort that there is support here for me. Thankyou ALL of you! :cloud9: I actually feel alot better today...
I think I need to make some new friends really. Be proactive rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And one thing I have to look forward to...tomorrow I have a private scan to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I'm nervous-but so excited! 
:hugs::hugs::hugs:Thankyou all:hugs::hugs::hugs:


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## aob1013

So glad you feel better sweetie, we are all here for you. Keep focusing on the positives xxx


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## aob1013

By the way, which bit of London are you in? I'm half an hour from London, surely we can meet up for some girl time! x


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## Dragonfly

Marzipan_girl said:


> Oh girls...you're all so amazing. I feel like I cast a downer on everything because i'm always so depressed and most of my posts on here have been of me moaning...but it's such a comfort that there is support here for me. Thankyou ALL of you! :cloud9: I actually feel alot better today...
> I think I need to make some new friends really. Be proactive rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And one thing I have to look forward to...tomorrow I have a private scan to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I'm nervous-but so excited!
> :hugs::hugs::hugs:Thankyou all:hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: glad to see it, we all have our down moments and moans, you should hear me in here sometimes :blush: :haha:


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## miquelsmommy

Marzipan_girl said:


> I can't feel happy anymore. Everything is so wrong...and I feel constant guilt for feeling this way...
> I didn't want to be pregnant. I wanted to spend this summer partying and getting ready for uni. Instead i'm single, alone and getting fatter, spending all day everyday doing NOTHING. Nobody invites me out anymore. And if I DID go clubbing, I can't enjoy myself. I'm so lonely because my boyfriend dumped me. I'm so hurt. He's off with new girls and i'm alone. Guys don't want to be with me because i'm pregnant.
> I cry all the time. I can't think straight without crying. There just seems no way out. If it wasn't for the fact that my beautiful angel was dependent on me for life, I would seriously consider killing myself. I don't resent the baby. I want to live for him/her...there just seems no point in living for MYSELF.
> I can't deal with it....
> I'm so alone. So depressed. I have the whole summer of doing nothing to look forward to. Just thinking about my ex and crying. And thats it.
> I know. I'm an ungreatful bitch. Other women would give anything to get pregnant. If I don't feel like this why don't I get it terminated? I should have kept my legs together. I know I KNOW. :cry:
> 
> But I love my accidental angel. I don't want anything bad to happen to it. I think i'm losing my head...:cry::cry::cry:

*Omq hun i wish i could huq u an tell u its qoinq to be okay. It is actually. I had the same problem my ex has a new qf and when he comes to c me it tears me up inside knowinq tht hes wl someone else. Ive just literally been prayinq and lookinq at thinqs differently. i mean i cant complain hes still helpinq wl the baby and im sure we will qet back toqether soon, but riqht now my baby is more important than anythinq. And its very important that u stay emotionally healthy durrinq your preqnancy, to avoid complications. TRUST me; i had the same thouqhts abt 2 mnths aqo. everythinq will qet better for you just pray and stay POSITIVE. i wish u the best hun *


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## katekatekate

Glad you're feeling better! :) We all have down days but it helps to talk and moan about it to people who understand (i.e us).


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## Luke's_mummy

Hey babe. It must be hard now, but when your little bubba is here you'll be so lucky! =] For the summer, find some voluntary work maybe? Or like others have said take up a hobby. I'm in london, about 30 mins from central london... Where abouts are you? Maybe you'd like to meet up as Ally was saying, Pop over to the forum meets part and you should come to the London teen meet that KrisKitten is arranging, that might be nice for you? hope you#re okay =]


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## FemmeEnceinte

Marzipan_girl said:


> I can't feel happy anymore. Everything is so wrong...and I feel constant guilt for feeling this way...
> I didn't want to be pregnant. I wanted to spend this summer partying and getting ready for uni. Instead i'm single, alone and getting fatter, spending all day everyday doing NOTHING. Nobody invites me out anymore. And if I DID go clubbing, I can't enjoy myself. I'm so lonely because my boyfriend dumped me. I'm so hurt. He's off with new girls and i'm alone. Guys don't want to be with me because i'm pregnant.
> I cry all the time. I can't think straight without crying. There just seems no way out. If it wasn't for the fact that my beautiful angel was dependent on me for life, I would seriously consider killing myself. I don't resent the baby. I want to live for him/her...there just seems no point in living for MYSELF.
> I can't deal with it....
> I'm so alone. So depressed. I have the whole summer of doing nothing to look forward to. Just thinking about my ex and crying. And thats it.
> I know. I'm an ungreatful bitch. Other women would give anything to get pregnant. If I don't feel like this why don't I get it terminated? I should have kept my legs together. I know I KNOW. :cry:
> 
> But I love my accidental angel. I don't want anything bad to happen to it. I think i'm losing my head...:cry::cry::cry:

Meh, uni is full of irritating students... I hated proper student types, believe me... everyone thinks they're so amazing and it gets very old, very fast. You're not missing out on anything impressive. The education aspect you can always catch up on and you will if you're keen enough.

I don't miss drinking one bit and, looking back, it's not all that. You're a bigger, better person now and people won't ever know how special your life is becoming until they're there themselves. 

Massive :hugs: your life is getting better, not worse. I promise x


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## AngelzTears

Marzipan_girl said:


> Oh girls...you're all so amazing. I feel like I cast a downer on everything because i'm always so depressed and most of my posts on here have been of me moaning...but it's such a comfort that there is support here for me. Thankyou ALL of you! :cloud9: I actually feel alot better today...
> I think I need to make some new friends really. Be proactive rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And one thing I have to look forward to...tomorrow I have a private scan to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I'm nervous-but so excited!
> :hugs::hugs::hugs:Thankyou all:hugs::hugs::hugs:

You're not a downer to us hun, I think everyone has let out venting on here at some point. I love this site because it's so easy to find someone who can relate to whatever situation we might be in :hugs: 

And let us know if it's a girl or boy, how exciting!! :happydance:


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## Marzipan_girl

AngelzTears said:


> Marzipan_girl said:
> 
> 
> Oh girls...you're all so amazing. I feel like I cast a downer on everything because i'm always so depressed and most of my posts on here have been of me moaning...but it's such a comfort that there is support here for me. Thankyou ALL of you! :cloud9: I actually feel alot better today...
> I think I need to make some new friends really. Be proactive rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And one thing I have to look forward to...tomorrow I have a private scan to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I'm nervous-but so excited!
> :hugs::hugs::hugs:Thankyou all:hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> You're not a downer to us hun, I think everyone has let out venting on here at some point. I love this site because it's so easy to find someone who can relate to whatever situation we might be in :hugs:
> 
> And let us know if it's a girl or boy, how exciting!! :happydance:Click to expand...

It's a BOY!!!!!!!!

:happydance:

Hhehe although you might have read that already on my other thread. It IS so exciting! :cloud9:


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## EmandBub

Marzipan_girl said:


> AngelzTears said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Marzipan_girl said:
> 
> 
> Oh girls...you're all so amazing. I feel like I cast a downer on everything because i'm always so depressed and most of my posts on here have been of me moaning...but it's such a comfort that there is support here for me. Thankyou ALL of you! :cloud9: I actually feel alot better today...
> I think I need to make some new friends really. Be proactive rather than sitting here feeling sorry for myself. And one thing I have to look forward to...tomorrow I have a private scan to find out if baby is a boy or a girl! I'm nervous-but so excited!
> :hugs::hugs::hugs:Thankyou all:hugs::hugs::hugs:
> 
> You're not a downer to us hun, I think everyone has let out venting on here at some point. I love this site because it's so easy to find someone who can relate to whatever situation we might be in :hugs:
> 
> And let us know if it's a girl or boy, how exciting!! :happydance:Click to expand...
> 
> It's a BOY!!!!!!!!
> 
> :happydance:
> 
> Hhehe although you might have read that already on my other thread. It IS so exciting! :cloud9:Click to expand...


Bet you're excited!
i can't wait to find out. :blush: xxx


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