# Upset by family and friends opinions of homebirth



## sharonfruit

Tonight I was sitting chatting with my mam, aunty and sister and I mentioned that I want a home birth and they started charting off opinions about how risky it is etc. I'm really upset about the way they were going on - they clearly know nothing about homebirths, why start reeling off negative opinions about something you have never researched? 

They were like - but there are no doctors? :shrug: Who said I'll need a doctor?

My mum started rattling on about the risks of bleeding too much :wacko:. My sister - 'what if it needs to go to SCBU?' well they put it in an ambulance and take it to SCBU :dohh:

Urgh. Some friends did the same thing when I mentioned it to them earlier in the week. Think I'll keep it to myself from now on. Do these people seriously think that I would make such a momentous decision without looking closely into the risks? My friends were saying 'but what if the baby needs resuscitated?' Errr - they will resuscitate it, obviously. They aren't just gonna leave it to die, are they! And when I said how hospitals are so clinical and not a nice environment to give birth my friend said 'Your having a baby not going on holiday' :nope:

Then my mam was like - would you really want all that blood on your bed? For God's sake. For one, I'd have a birthing pool, and secondly if I did have it on the bed I'm sure we would put towels and pads and sheets down etc - blood on the bed would seriously be the least of my worries.

I'm feeling really down and I have to admit slightly defeated about it right now. I don't want to let them win but I feel like I've been talked out of the homebirth that I really wanted :(


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## TatorMom

It's your body, your baby and your decision. If I didn't have patients die after home births and see all the possible, unexpected complications first hand I would love to do a home birth. I think it's a neat thing. It's just not a risk I would take. There's nothing like doing chest compressions on a mom who was a perfect specimen of health while baby is crowning or have a mom go into DIC. Many women do home births though, and just because you're in a hospital doesn't take away all the risks. We can't save everyone, unfortunately. I would just make sure that the MW who is attending has the equipment and training to intubate a newborn if need be. Make sure she has an IV kit, Epi, and basic emergency medications to stop any post partum hemorrhaging too. Minutes matter and the 5-10min it takes for an ambulance to get to you or baby could be 2-5min too long without those medications. I have those in a first responder kit in my trunk, so hopefully she would come prepared with it too. I assume you're in Europe, so I don't know what kind of licensing MW or doulas have that may or may not allow them to get those supplies. I think as long as there is emergency supplies on hand for the most common possible complications you should be fine. I know that some places have birthing centers that are attached or very close to a hospital. I don't know if they do in Europe or not though.


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## booflebump

Tatormum - I don't think that's a particularly helpful reply considering the OP is already upset about her families reaction towards her decisions

In the UK, research has shown home birth to be as safe as a hospital birth. You get two midwives to yourself, which in the hospital you may not even get one to yourself. Both will be fully trained in both maternal and neonatal resuscitation, with the equipment available to them to do this if required. If things are going 'wrong' in labour, then they are usually spotted well in advance and the decision to transfer to hospital can be made. Being at home means you avoid the possibilities of interventions which in themselves carry risks to the mother and baby. 

Sharon - I'm sure your family didn't mean to upset you, but when they don't realise the many benefits and advantages of homebirth, it can be hard to get through to them as it's been drummed in to society that we need to be in hospital to give birth as we can't do it by ourselves, which is not the case. It's your decision at the end of the day - we still haven't told my husbands family our plans as they will probably react negatively as well, but my family have been absolutely fine xxx


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## MrsSmartie

I know it can be difficult. I'd just keep it to yourselves I think. Fortunately I'm a midwife so nobody in my family has the cheek to try to tell me anything about birth but they have winced a bit and asked why! You either understand it or you don't. There is no higher risk and, like booflebump said, your midwives will be really on the ball if it's not going to plan. It's incredibly rare to not have warning signs of problems before they happen. Although one of my colleagues said to me yesterday 'Does your husband not mind you having a homebirth?' I was like whhaaaat? He's well up for it but do I need his permission? Lol x


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## jamhs

The reason I am having a home birth with this baby is the fact I am guaranteed two midwives to be with me the whole time and knowing myself and my baby are their sole concern. Also that my dh will be there. With my first my dh had to leave to find a midwife when I said I felt I needed to push, and with my second they sent him home saying that I was going to be ages, then they left my strapped to a monitor with gas and air all by myself, and when my waters broke I couldn't reach the call button and felt the head crowning, pushed and screamed, and that is the only reason a midwife came in, one push later my son was born-if I hadn't screamed I would have given birth by myself. I think at a home birth you are much better taken care!


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## sharonfruit

Thanks for the helpful replies guys, I guess I just didn't realise that people would think that they are entitled to such strong and biased opinions regarding the way that I give birth!! xx


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## booflebump

sharonfruit said:


> Thanks for the helpful replies guys, I guess I just didn't realise that people would think that they are entitled to such strong and biased opinions regarding the way that I give birth!! xx

As soon as you get pregnant people think they are allowed to have very strong and biased opinion about everything you do, say, eat, drink etc :haha: :hugs:


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## BeccaxBump

booflebump said:


> As soon as you get pregnant people think they are allowed to have very strong and biased opinion about everything you do, say, eat, drink etc :haha: :hugs:

Amen to that!

Do what you want sweetheart! Your baby, body and mind. 
xoxox


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## MollyWeasley

Yes, as soon as you are pregnant the assvice, I mean advice starts.

Try not to let their uneducated, knee-jerk reactions make you doubt your choices for your birth. It would be different if they were open-minded and just asked you a few questions, but dumping on you like that is not respectful of you. Sorry that happened, it must have felt terrible.

From now on, just keep your plans for birth to yourself or only share with people you know will be supportive of your choices (or at least be respectful of them).


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## gryphongrl

MollyWeasley said:


> Assvice

HA!!! :rofl:

I'm going to use this the next time my mom slaps something out of my hand (last time I saw her she threw my lipstick out the window because it had a certain sunscreen in it). 

Good advice here, the care I've gotten preparing for the homebirth has been absolutely fantastic. You can either go the route of not telling people who won't be supportive (none of their business) or you can read like crazy and be ready to refute their strange claims. I've done the second, I don't mind arguing with the family! :)


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## misspriss

This is why I am worried about talking about my homebirth plans with anyone. I will with my sisters of course, I expect them to be completely supportive. My husband, I have to educate. He knows nothing about homebirths and their safety. Aside from that, I think I will just keep my mouth shut. It's kind of hard though, my In-laws are having their first grandbaby so they want to know everything. I don't want to tell MIL I want a homebirth though, she had a c-section with DH and thinks they are the greatest. She was talking about his cousin, who is due in December and has placenta previa; they have not told her if she has to have a section or not (I think the condition can fix itself later) but she said "she should just have one anyway so much easier that way less to worry about". Also, DH spent 10 days in the NICU after he was born, due to an infection. I am not sure how he got it, but hospitals carry a lot of infection risks. I will ask MIL about it though. That is another reason she is worried.


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## evewidow

My mom was ok about it but my dad was the same as your family what if what if what if .
In the end i just said to them well ill see how i feel at the time and i might go to hospital ( i never had any intention ) it kept the peace. Afterwards they were all , oh isnt it nice you didnt have a hospital birth how nice to have her at home blah blah blah . Don't let people put you off, if you want a homebirth then have one.


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## nov_mum

Oh dear. My friend had the same thing with her pregnancy. People are really quite uneducated about home birth and it seems OBs have done a great job convincing everyone that birth is terribly risky and that you need help to get you baby out. It's sad but it pays not to talk to people about your birthing plans or your baby names. Either will leave you with unwanted opinions and a sense of disappointment.


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## TatorMom

booflebump said:


> Tatormum - I don't think that's a particularly helpful reply considering the OP is already upset about her families reaction towards her decisions
> 
> In the UK, research has shown home birth to be as safe as a hospital birth. You get two midwives to yourself, which in the hospital you may not even get one to yourself. Both will be fully trained in both maternal and neonatal resuscitation, with the equipment available to them to do this if required. If things are going 'wrong' in labour, then they are usually spotted well in advance and the decision to transfer to hospital can be made. Being at home means you avoid the possibilities of interventions which in themselves carry risks to the mother and baby.
> 
> Sharon - I'm sure your family didn't mean to upset you, but when they don't realise the many benefits and advantages of homebirth, it can be hard to get through to them as it's been drummed in to society that we need to be in hospital to give birth as we can't do it by ourselves, which is not the case. It's your decision at the end of the day - we still haven't told my husbands family our plans as they will probably react negatively as well, but my family have been absolutely fine xxx

I didn't say anything rude, mean, insulting, biased, or hurtful. I just mentioned some suggestions and things I would suggest asking the MW. As I said in my post, things go wrong in the hospital and women die during childbirth in the hospital. While it's something I'm interested in it does make me nervous based on my working experience. It would be things that I would point out to her friends and family that don't agree with a home birth. As long as you have the proper emergency supplies/medications and a well trained MW the risks are low. Just because you deliver in a hospital doesn't mean there aren't risks. That's all I was pointing out in my post. I apologize if it didn't come across as "helpful".


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## nov_mum

TatorMom said:


> booflebump said:
> 
> 
> Tatormum - I don't think that's a particularly helpful reply considering the OP is already upset about her families reaction towards her decisions
> 
> In the UK, research has shown home birth to be as safe as a hospital birth. You get two midwives to yourself, which in the hospital you may not even get one to yourself. Both will be fully trained in both maternal and neonatal resuscitation, with the equipment available to them to do this if required. If things are going 'wrong' in labour, then they are usually spotted well in advance and the decision to transfer to hospital can be made. Being at home means you avoid the possibilities of interventions which in themselves carry risks to the mother and baby.
> 
> Sharon - I'm sure your family didn't mean to upset you, but when they don't realise the many benefits and advantages of homebirth, it can be hard to get through to them as it's been drummed in to society that we need to be in hospital to give birth as we can't do it by ourselves, which is not the case. It's your decision at the end of the day - we still haven't told my husbands family our plans as they will probably react negatively as well, but my family have been absolutely fine xxx
> 
> I didn't say anything rude, mean, insulting, biased, or hurtful. I just mentioned some suggestions and things I would suggest asking the MW. As I said in my post, things go wrong in the hospital and women die during childbirth in the hospital. While it's something I'm interested in it does make me nervous based on my working experience. It would be things that I would point out to her friends and family that don't agree with a home birth. As long as you have the proper emergency supplies/medications and a well trained MW the risks are low. Just because you deliver in a hospital doesn't mean there aren't risks. That's all I was pointing out in my post. I apologize if it didn't come across as "helpful".Click to expand...

I guess there are stats from each side of the coin. I work in healthcare and I know how the cascade of interventions starts and what a huge machine it is to try and stop once it starts. I also know from being a mother who had to give birth in hospital that it is very difficult to say no or feel overly informed when consenting when someone is at the end of your bed and telling you what is going to happen. I think many homebirth parents are just trying to reduce their risk of interventions and being left to do things as nature intended. It is very rare that things go bad in an instant and are potentially fatal. For most of these situations being at home or in hospital makes little difference.


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## Lady_Venom

I could of written your post word for word. I know what you are going through. I just lightly mentioned birthing possibilities months ago and both sides of the immediate family did not approve with the exact same opinions you mentioned. To make a long story short, OH and I simply said "well, that's enough of that. No more decisions are going to be shared with family since they just don't understand or put the effort into the research and are oblivious." I have pretty much lied to everyone saying I will be in a birthing centre. I know already they do not approve of home water birth with midwives. Everyone shall be contacted after baby has arrived safely and OH and I have had a few hours to ourselves with baby. No one will be in the room besides him and I and a midwife and student. Keep your chin up and don't let them get you down. When it is all over, you can have the last laugh and say I did it and I made the best decision for my child to come into the world this way. I did it with love.:hugs:


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## AJThomas

After lots of badgering about which hospital i was going to, i casually mentioned to my mom i was thinking about staying at home (i'm firmly decided on it unless absolutely impossible but i didn't want to tell her that) she completely freaked out and went on and on about why it was a bad idea. For weeks she kept bringing it up and i didn't say a word cause it's my baby, my decision, she got to do it her way, now i'll do it mine. I even took her to see my midwife who reassured her everything would be fine and she decided she wants to be at the birth (no way in hell am i allowing that so she can try and freak me out at the last minute) she mentioned it to my aunt who is a nurse and then said "your aunt says you should stop being ridiculous with this homebirth foolishness." I finally got really mad and said "fine, you can all come and try to move me when i'm in labor then!" I'm just gonna call and let them know AFTER it's all over.


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## elohcin

You know what's great though, after you have an awesome homebirth, your experience will change their views. Most people haven't been exposed to how normal, simple (and really, clean! Goodness, I had little to no blood with my births, just the placenta about a half hour after birth an then my PP bleeding...in a PAD! lol) birth really is. But little by little as people are exposed to homebirth, they will see what it's really like. :) And you will be helping to change that. 

(my family- grandparents in particular- did a complete 180 after my first one. It was really cool to see how they went from being really critical about it, to telling everyone about how I did it at home and they were so proud..just neat to see how just by giving birth in a natural setting that *I* wanted, I had an impact on changing their opinions!)


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## 88Ash88

Your baby, your decision hun, and thats all that matters. I got through my pregnancy by telling opinionated relatives that 'If thats how you feel you go and have your own/another baby' lol, but i have grumpy tendancies :p.


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## BunnyN

TatorMom- It sounds like you had a traumatic experience connected to home birth. What is your job? If you don't mind I would be interested if you could share a few specifics of the particular situation. What went wrong? Who was attending the birth? What did they do and how would it have been different in the hospital? Statistically home births are safe but of course things can go wrong at any birth. It is worth considering what can go wrong and how the situation can be dealt with. Many problems can be dealt with just effectively as in hospital if the midwife is fully qualified and equipped. Some deaths at home births may not have happened in a hospital, some deaths in hospital may not have happened at home and some deaths would have happened either way. All we can do is make an informed decision weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of both sides coupled with our own circumstances and feelings. 

sharonfruit- I found this site helpful: https://www.homebirth.org.uk/
Sometimes it is hard to find information that is not overly bias in one direction or the other. The woman who did this site is in favor of home births but is not overly pushy about it. She provides lots of direct links to a variety of information on the subject from different points of view. It helped me to explain things to my OH who has been supportive about home birth but had reservations about safety. The "what if..." page answered my own questions and helped me understand risks and solutions better. It took away many of my concerns replacing them with practical questions for the midwife like if she has a drug like Oxytocin available (in case of haemorrhage) and if she can contact the hospital directly to give them the heads up to prepare an operating room in case of an emergency C section.

As far as what others think you just have to make sure you are informed and making the right decision for you. The only person I would change for is my OH because it is important to me that he is at birth and feels comfortable about the choices we have made also. Don't forget that it is natural for people to be scared of home birth when they don't know much about it and your family is only worried for you. Hopefully sharing more accurate information and a positive experience of home birth will bring your family around but the important thing is that it's right for you.


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## aliss

I get a lot of grief for going to a "birthing centre" (they don't even realize it's a home birth, haven't bothered with that bit...). All you can do is just prove them wrong I suppose. Everyone has their own opinion, usually starting with "... I WOULD HAVE DIED IF...", good grief, I am so sick of that statement. I've had a hospital birth with tons of complications and let's just say that hospitals don't get enough grief for the crap they caused to some of us....


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## sharonfruit

:rofl:

My mum says that - 'I nearly/could have/would have died .. '

Mm, well you didn't though did you!!


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## summer rain

I'm afraid it doesn't always stop after having a successful home birth either; you'd think it would. I had my second youngest at home and all went well-he did have the cord around his neck and a tight knot elsewhere in the cord but was fine, had we gone to the hospital something could have happened with the cord which meant not a nice outcome. Some of OHs family came around right away and seemed really impressed. However three years later when I was having my youngest its like they all had amnesia, all the old 'worries' about the safety of home birth came out again. OH said to them you do remember she had a home birth before right? And found their attitude was that that must've been a lucky fluke and no-way would it go right this time, charming. When the time came to it I did end up going to hospital instead because my son was in an odd position and I couldn't cope at home; and the midwives were making their excuses not to come because of poor weather conditions and their insurance. OH's family could not hide their relief. This time I'm not sure; there is a birthing centre near where we live now; but home birth is an option too. xx


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## aliss

Ooh welcome summer rain!! Congrats on #5, wherever he/she makes their debut ;) Good luck :)


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## gryphongrl

Beware.. long story ahead :) about birth amnesia... 

This all makes me think of my Mom's version of her four births... which keeps changing as my pregnancy progresses. First (before I was pregnant) it was "All my births were uneventful and in a *super comfortable* hospital". Keep in mind she is barely tolerating my homebirth plans...

First I find out she had four epidurals. I am not knocking the epidurals at all, it just surprised me, since she was a hippie and my dad to this day won't even take a tylenol for a headache. So what went on that she got epidurals, I'm wondering (we are built nearly the same so I looked to her as a bellweather)...

THEN I find out she had four inductions... At some hospitals they "pit" 80% of women, so who knows if they were necessary! Now I'm starting to feel badly for her - no wonder she needed those epidurals!.... but then next I find out she had...

FOUR episiotomies! Yowch! Now I'm getting concerned about her memory of those *super comfortable* hospital births ... Just the idea of the doc cutting through that scarred, precious tissue again and again and again... good grief... 

Finally I find out that the OB did forceps delivery on the first two of the four! From what I've read from you ladies this is a perfect prescription for a horrendous and painful birth, and yet she went on to go back to the hospital time after time and has nothing but fond memories of the OB. 

So I called up my Dad and asked for a recap, and he recalls all the births differently, saying that my mom was in constant agony for most of 20 hours for each birth, laying on her back, tied to the monitors and catheter, hungry, thirsty, and with epidurals of varying effectiveness. He sounds upset still when he talks about it and a little incredulous (their youngest is 30 this year). 

So, I want to labor on my own time with a dedicated midwife and hopefully, avoid a lot of these painful and possibly traumatic events. Unfortunately Mom feels that if she hadn't been in the hospital, things might have gone poorly, hence doesn't want me to have a home birth - but perhaps she wouldn't have had the pitocin, then no epidural, then been able to move around during labor, then had a "easier" birth position, and had a midwife patient to let her labor for longer if necessary while she ate when hungry and drank when thirsty. Not to give TMI but now her bladder is falling out and I can't help but think that four difficult births may have contributed. I want my bladder to stay where it is :nope:

Okay, end of story. :)


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## summer rain

aliss said:


> Ooh welcome summer rain!! Congrats on #5, wherever he/she makes their debut ;) Good luck :)

Thanks hun xx


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## FireBaby

gryphongrl or anyone else on this thread are any of you doing or have done a homebirth for your first baby?


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## misspriss

FireBaby said:


> gryphongrl or anyone else on this thread are any of you doing or have done a homebirth for your first baby?

I am planning to have a homebirth with my first baby.


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## AJThomas

^so am i


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## gryphongrl

^ Me too .... with a grain of humility (since it's my first, I shouldn't talk about how I know what I'm doing! :))


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## FireBaby

That's awesome! I haven't even got my BFP yet - but I am thinking ahead and I would love to do some version of a homebirth for my #1.


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## aliss

FireBaby said:


> That's awesome! I haven't even got my BFP yet - but I am thinking ahead and I would love to do some version of a homebirth for my #1.

Fantastic! :) It is a good idea to get started on your search, I booked my midwife & doula at 5 weeks, they can really fill up quickly. Good luck on your BFP!


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## xSin

One of the best ways I found during my pregnancy to deal with people who displayed ignorance about home birth and the safety of it was to laugh... literally laugh in their faces, it might seem rude but there ARE ways to laugh in a persons face and say that they clearly don't know what they're talking about, without being a complete bitch ;) 

Its a lighthearted way to bring attention to their own ignorance without straight up calling them ignorant :D worked a charm for me.

I like it because usually when you laugh and make them feel like they are missing something, they end up so "desperate" to be able to disprove you that they actually end up listening and becoming educated about it as a result... :D


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## solitaire89

You have my sympathy about your family's comments. At the end of the day you need to birth your baby where YOU feel comfortable. If that's at home, that's great. If that's in a birthing centre, great. If that's in a hospital with all the latest technology, that's great.
All I know is that there is no way on earth I could have had the fantastic experience that I had with my first in any other place than my own home. Having done lots of research into the whole thing, I settled on a planned home birth, using Natal Hypnotherapy and a birth pool (which LO wasn't delivered in!).
The risks are generally lower in a planned home birth, and the mws that will attend you will have everything they need without you having to worry about it.
As for the bed comment - 2 things spring to mind. 1. Why would I want to give birth on a bed that I don't know who's been in it last?! I'd rather be in my bed thanks. 2. You don't have to be in/on a bed to birth your baby! For goodness sake, there's more places in the house than just that small area!


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## Annie77

sharonfruit said:


> Thanks for the helpful replies guys, I guess I just didn't realise that people would think that they are entitled to such strong and biased opinions regarding the way that I give birth!! xx

I think the only person who may be entitled to an opinion is your mum. Yes you are an adult and it is your choice but you are still her baby and we all worry about our kids, no matter how old they are.

It is true though, people are very opinionated about all things pregnancy related. Just go with what feels right for you and try to ignore everyone else. I had the opposite problem with after my 2nd DD - ended up with elective section and got a hell of a time from the home-birthing/natural mums in my post natal group. Thank god I breast fed or i may have been asked to leave lol!


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## Kess

FireBaby said:


> gryphongrl or anyone else on this thread are any of you doing or have done a homebirth for your first baby?

I hope you don't mind me answering as I wasn't on the thread, but I had a HB with my first. A link to my birth story is in my signature. I intend HB for any future children too.

I would recommend The Fathers' Homebirth Handbook for anyone who is negative about your choice. People either read all the studies etc in there and have their fears assuaged somewhat, or they CBA to read it and they lose any right to argue (and you can keep directing them back to the book, which shuts down conversations pretty fast).


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## Jodie.82

I got called crazy many a time when I told people I was having a homebirth! And asked things like how will you have your epidural then haha! Especially when LO was still breech at 38 weeks and the homebirth was still going ahead (super amazing hippie midwife I had was ready to take on anything!)
I got called crazy even afterwards when it went so amazingly well! People can lash out at things they are scared or intimidated by or at the unknown or non mainstream. You have to do what is right for you and what you feel comfortable with. It was the best decision I ever made I would only ever plan to give birth at home for any more babies I may be lucky enough to have.
and the blood thing I got told that too and seriously there was barely any! sorry for tmi, but like a pp said most of the pp blood was in a pad I was able to wear straight after placenta delivery and any before was on a pad on the floor under were I was on a birthing stool, we didnt get any on our bed!


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## sticky_wishes

Oh I love this thread! I have had a depressing day talking to uneducated, overly opinionated friends. I too am planning a relaxing home birth, with one-on-one care for my first child. I'm usually confident with my decisions but people negativity often taints it and makes me think twice. Thanks for this thread and all the lovely helpful comments which are helping me to boost back up :) x


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## aliss

First time girls, fingers_crossed just posted her (successful) first time HB in 3rd tri, if you'd like to read :)

https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/p...ccessful-home-birth-my-little-boy-joshua.html


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