# Lost my baby girl at 19 weeks



## PallyD

Hi,

I'm new to this website and found it by chance. I lost my little one yesterday at 19 weeks. I feel so broken and wish she was still in my belly kicking. I got to spend a couple of hours with her and she had a beautiful smile. I don't know anyone who has been through something similar and I don't know if I can move forward from this ever. I can't stop crying and feel so empty. :cry:


----------



## feeble

Oh honey :( I lost my baby girl at 23 weeks but she died at 18... I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you m dear but you will get through it one step at a time and slowly start to feel better xx

all the best xx


----------



## daopdesign

Hello chuck and I'm sorry to welcome you to this part of the forum but there are lots and lots of ladies that truly understand how you feel right now :hugs:

I was exactly the same, it's grief and hurts like hell I know. I'm so sorry you lost your baby, words can't bring them back but I can assure you that it DOES get easier with time. So so sorry for your loss, we are all here for you xxxxxx


----------



## jojo23

im so sorry for your loss pet! its an overwhelming thing, i lost my little girl also at 22 weeks but she was a bit smaller so prob stopped growing at 18 or 19 weeks.
all i can say is it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life!! but with the help of the ladies here i made it through.

theres days where i could hardly breath i was so upset and overcome with grief, and days where i literally couldnt get out of bed. you need your time to grieve hun and no one can tell you how to do that but please dont bottle things up! we're all here for you!!

no matter how you are feeling we'll all understand!!! and if you need anything im always here xxxxxxxxxx


----------



## OliveBay

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my little boy at 22 weeks. Everything had been fine until I stopped feeling movements for a couple of days, so I went for a scan to check and he had died. I went from being so happy to being devastated and heartbroken. 

This is an awful thing to go through but we all know how you feel and we are here to support you through these difficult times. :hugs:


----------



## Bride2b

I'm sorry for your devastating loss,you are not alone,all of us here have too experienced the pain & agony of losing a baby,we truly know what you are going through. If there is anything you need to know then please ask. As others have said it does get easier with time but you have many many many milestones to reach.

I lost my baby boy at 19 weeks just over 8 weeks ago. My waters broke all of a sudden after stomach pains-some of which were excruciating. There was no cause for the premature rupture of my membranes. It's been the most devastating experience of my life,some days are better than others but mostly my heart aches for my baby

Silly thing to say but I hope your ok,please come back to chat as this place has been my saviour xx


----------



## Andypanda6570

I am so deeply sorry for your loss :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
I was the same as you when I lost my Ava, I sunk into the abyss :cry:
I lost Ava at 20 weeks , I gave birth to her and we buried her on 
3/11/2011. You need to know that things will get better, I promise.
I know right now you can't see that I couldn't either, but I promise things will get easier for you. You will never get over it, but you will get through it. 
As time goes on you will have your good days and bad ones.
Loosing a child is something that can never be explained, this pain is so deep and really never ends. I would not wish this pain on anyone, people who have never been through it just don't understand, they think you mourn for awhile and then move on , they have no idea you can't move on. 
So try not to get upset if you get stupid advice , they just don't know this pain.
We are all here for you anytime you need us.
Sending SO much love XOXOXOXO :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## dancareoi

PallyD said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm new to this website and found it by chance. I lost my little one yesterday at 19 weeks. I feel so broken and wish she was still in my belly kicking. I got to spend a couple of hours with her and she had a beautiful smile. I don't know anyone who has been through something similar and I don't know if I can move forward from this ever. I can't stop crying and feel so empty. :cry:

Hi, I too am new to this forum, I only joined a couple of weeks ago after a MMC at 17 weeks (14 weeks gestation) i also had MMC july 09 at 10 weeks(8 weeks gestation)

I found out on 9 jan that there was no heartbeat and gave birth to my LO on 12th Jan. This couple of weeks have been like hell. Constantly crying. To start it was disbelief that this could have happened - once you have your 12 week scan you assume all will be ok.
there are feelings of sadness, devastation,lonliness, emptiness, longing and even anger that this could have happened.
We had a funeral service on monday this week and laid the ashes to rest on tuesday (just me and OH)
I felt on Tuesday that a weight had been lifted, we had finally said goodbye to our LO, gone but never forgotten.
We are taking each day as it comes and are trying to look forward (we have to stay strong for the sake of our other 3 children)
Time is a great healer. Some days are better than others, today is a down day as I would have been 20 weeks today.
i have found by chatting to the lovely ladies on this forum it has helped a lot. Everybody here knows exactly what you are going through and exactly how you are feeling.
We are all here for you and for each other. 
Although it will be difficult to understand this at the moment, but everything happens for a reason. At the moment I too am having difficulty understanding that. However I had MMC in July 09, in sept 09 i became pregnant again and had my little boy in May 10. If I hadn`t lost the one in May my lovely little boy would not be with us today, yes I would have another child, but this lovely little boy we know and love today would not exist.
My mom always used to say she felt our live were already mapped out for us and everything that happens is meant to happen.
Sometimes, like now, we can`t see that.
We are always here i you want to talk or need a shoulder to cry on.:hugs::hugs:


----------



## PallyD

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages it really means a lot. I've not had a good day today. I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I cry in my sleep and just can't stop crying in the day. I can't stop blaming myself as she was well and kicking in my belly to the last few hours before I had to give birth. It was because my cervix had opened up slightly and I got an infection. 

I want her back in my belly and I want to feel her kicks but its just empty in there. I named her Hope because right till the end I hoped and prayed a miracle would happen and all would be ok, but it wasn't. It probably sounds silly to call your girl Hope because of that I don't know. I have been saying odd things which might not make sense to others but I just do what my heart says. 

We are going to put a red and pink rose bush in the garden and put her ashes in there. I wanted her close and I wanted her home where she belongs. My husband found a lovely pebble with the words Hope and a butterfly on it. He's been very supportive and both our immediate family have been great but I still feel empty and lonely.


----------



## Bride2b

Crying and not wanting to get out of bed, feeling out of control with grief, lonely, lost & confused are totally normal. This is so fresh for you & no body would expect you to feel any differently. You need to cry & release your emotions, its much better to do that as it does help you in the long run :hugs:

Hope is a gorgeous name too. Its a lovely idea, its a lovely tribute as despite all, you had hope to keep her alive & in your heart you will know that you wanted her and that you never gave up hope.

Theres a new little angel in heaven, I hope my Bertie has found her and they are looking down on us mummys with pride knowing that we love them and always will xx


----------



## Kelly9

I lost my beautiful Hannah 2 weeks ago at 18 weeks. Here is the best place for support cause we all know what you're going through even if we feel it differently. Hope is a beautiful name.


----------



## tummymummy

I am so very sorry for your loss hun xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## Nikki_d72

I'm so sorry for your loss hon. xxx


----------



## MrsGnt

So sorry for your loss.
I'm new too I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks, 8 months ago.
I promise it gets easier, but i don't think it'll ever go away. I think about her every day, she was perfect, my angel.
We arn't ready to try yet, well he isn't, plus my mother has warned me off pregnancy until after my sisters wedding this Summer. Which is what every grieving parent wants to hear right?
Major issue is my 17 yr old, jobless, school drop-out sister in law (who lives with us most if the time!) has announced she is pregnant. She is a very young 17 and can barely look after herself.
I just feel numb, I'm so jelous I hate feeling like this. I should have been next! Is it normal? Am I selfish for feeling so angry with her?
She probably feels terrified at the moment and could probably do with someone to talk to but I can't face it - I can't handle the baby talk and questions and when the scan pictures start rolling in I do NOT want to be here! Sorry I just had to admit how I feel to someone x x x


----------



## feeble

Sweetie big hugs :( 

i dont see why you should have to wait until your sister is done getting married!!!! Thats so totally unfair 

You should be able to have a baby when YOU are ready, i couldnt not try again quickly, i was so worried i wouldnt catch and so on... We got pregnant the following month after loosing our angel. 

Have you spoken to your OH about how you feel? I would have to tell him that i will never be 'right' again until i am holding my baby and that even then i would be heartbroken about the baby i lost... 

hugs xx


----------



## MrsGnt

My mother is old fashioned and she doesn't want an un-married bridesmaid trotting around sporting a bump. She's a pain but I forgive her because it's just her way. I guess Im just scared of letting her down, although that said she was happy for us the 1st time and really supportive when the bad stuff happened. 

By OH I guess you mean my boyfriend - I'm really new to this and not quite there with the lingo sorry ha ha what's it stand for?

I have spoken to him about it, he knows how I feel but he is scared it will happen again. I have CI and next time I'd probably need a suture and it terrifies us both to be honest. Also he kind of feels like by getting me pregnant he's putting me at risk of this pain again. It's quite a sensitive subject and I KNOW it shouldn't be.

The sister in law thing has kind of made me feel like I've missed my window if that makes sense? Im only 24 so I don't mean anything like that but just it annoys me how it's been so easy for her - she's a daft kid it's just not fair.

Does anyone know much about CI? All I've read are horror stories and the drs are reluctant to further inform you unless you are trying.


----------



## feeble

what is CI hun? 

OH = Other Half
x


----------



## MrsGnt

Ohhhh yeah duh!

Cervical incompetence, basically once the baby gets to a certain siZe my womb can't cope and I just dilate


----------



## feeble

My mama lost her first baby due to that, and went on to have three more healthy babies (and this was WAY back) 

Sutures are good and they will keep an eye on you... 

there is a thread about it in the Gestational Complications forum i think x


----------



## MrsGnt

Thanks I'll have a look :)

An update on the sil situation she announced yesterday that she's moving to her bf's parents so that she doesn't "rub our noses in it"
She's such a pleasant girl :-/


----------



## Andypanda6570

MrsGnt said:


> So sorry for your loss.
> I'm new too I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks, 8 months ago.
> I promise it gets easier, but i don't think it'll ever go away. I think about her every day, she was perfect, my angel.
> We arn't ready to try yet, well he isn't, plus my mother has warned me off pregnancy until after my sisters wedding this Summer. Which is what every grieving parent wants to hear right?
> Major issue is my 17 yr old, jobless, school drop-out sister in law (who lives with us most if the time!) has announced she is pregnant. She is a very young 17 and can barely look after herself.
> I just feel numb, I'm so jelous I hate feeling like this. I should have been next! Is it normal? Am I selfish for feeling so angry with her?
> She probably feels terrified at the moment and could probably do with someone to talk to but I can't face it - I can't handle the baby talk and questions and when the scan pictures start rolling in I do NOT want to be here! Sorry I just had to admit how I feel to someone x x x

I am so sorry for your loss. This part of the forum is amazing and will help you SO very much. These ladies have helped me more than anyone in my life has. When you have a loss the last thing you want to see or hear is about another baby, that is totally normal. This sadness just seems to come and go.
I lost my Ava at 20 weeks, I gave birth in my home and we buried her on 3/11/2011. So the dreaded year is coming up and I am getting more upset by the day.

I hope things get easier for us both and I hope your family (mine too) will be more understanding of this loss, it never goes away. It is just a new normal .
If you ever need to talk I am here and so is everyone else. 
XOXO Andrea 
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## feeble

MrsGnt said:


> Thanks I'll have a look :)
> 
> An update on the sil situation she announced yesterday that she's moving to her bf's parents so that she doesn't "rub our noses in it"
> She's such a pleasant girl :-/

Perhaps being a mama will mature her a bit honey x I know it's very hard for you though x x x


----------



## VaStClair

I just lost my son 3 days ago at 19 weeks...my heart feels broken I cry myself to sleep at night. I don't. Know how to move on.


----------



## dancareoi

VaStClair said:


> I just lost my son 3 days ago at 19 weeks...my heart feels broken I cry myself to sleep at night. I don't. Know how to move on.

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my LO at 17 weeks, although I was only 13-14 weeks gestation, 8 weeks ago.:cry:

This is the most awful thing anyone should have to go through. 

I spent the first few days constantly crying and shaking my head thinking it was a mistake, or someone was playing a cruel joke or i was in a nightmare i would wake up from, but the reality of it does start to set in.:nope:

There are some lovely ladies on here who have helped me through this and offers kind words of comfort and support, even though they too are broken hearted.

They told me things would get better with time and they were right, although at the moment, to you, that will not seem possible.

i am 8 weeks on now. Most days i do have a moment when I look back and start to cry, some days I cry more than others.:cry:

i posted a thread a couple of days ago headed "two steps forward, one step back" This sums up how things are going. you have a couple of better days, followed by a bad day, then a couple more better days and gradually it will get better.

Any time you need to talk or need a shoulder to cry on, there are plenty of us here to help you through.:hugs:

Once again i am so sorry.

Heaven now has another Angel:angel:

I found the following poem, which was read at our baby`s funeral service and I keep a small version of it with me at all times. It makes me cry when i read it, but also gives hope that one day your angel will be in your arms.

An Angel Never Dies

Dont let them say I wasnt born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
Ive loved you from the start.

Although my body you cant hold
It doesnt mean Im gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, Ill fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

Youll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesnt make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

Im watching over all you do,
Another child youll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then youll understand.

Although Ive never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesnt mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.


----------



## VaStClair

That was a beautiful poem...I know my heart will never heal competely but I feel like a failure because I coulnt even find the strength to hold him


----------



## dancareoi

VaStClair said:


> That was a beautiful poem...I know my heart will never heal competely but I feel like a failure because I coulnt even find the strength to hold him

You shouldn`t feel like a failure because you couldn`t hold your baby, it is a very difficult thing to do.

My LO was only small and we were unable to tell whether it was a boy or a girl. My DH did hold our LO briefly, but was too upset to see it again.

I held it after it ws born (it was in a tiny little moses basket) later in the day, when I was on my own, I asked to see my baby again, i felt it was something i needed to do.

i spent ages holding it in my arms and told it how much it was loved by us all and we would never forget. I also kissed it`s tiny little head. 

this was very difficult to do, but it is something i felt i had to do.

Because you chose not to does not make you a failure. We are all different and deal with things in different ways. In this situation there is no right or wrong thing to do,or no right or wrong feel.

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## VaStClair

The nurse took pictures of him so I can look at him if I so choose so at least I have that..my doctor also told me today that he had downs so now I am terrified to have another child..I have no idea where to go from here


----------



## dancareoi

VaStClair said:


> The nurse took pictures of him so I can look at him if I so choose so at least I have that..my doctor also told me today that he had downs so now I am terrified to have another child..I have no idea where to go from here

It is good you have the pictures, at least you can look at your LO whenever you want.

I don`t realy know much about the DS, but te best thing to do would be speak to you doctor,they should have the answers to the questions you need to ask regarding future pregnancies.:hugs:


----------



## PallyD

VaStClair said:


> I just lost my son 3 days ago at 19 weeks...my heart feels broken I cry myself to sleep at night. I don't. Know how to move on.

Hi, I am really sorry to hear about your loss. :hugs: Sorry I didn't reply earlier I've been away and today's the first day I logged in. I can understand how hurt you must be feeling right now and probably have lots of questions. I lost my baby girl at 19 weeks on the 25th January and everyone told me it would get easier. I didn't believe it as the pain will never go away but I'm getting there slowly. I used to cry every second and couldn't talk about Hope without falling apart, the ladies on here have been amazing and a rock. I couldn't have got through this without them as I felt only they could understand. I have had loads of support from family and friends but for me I felt nothing they said helped as they don't know what I'm feeling or going through. We had to wait 3 weeks before having Hope's funeral and then a week later to scatter her ashes, those were extremely difficult times but now I can say its got easier I have learnt to cope. I go to see my little one at the crematorium where we put her ashes with the other little babies and it gives me peace that she's now resting. I still cry and talk to her and have my good days and bad days but you can get through it and in time you will learn in your own way to cope with the pain. Don't suppress your feelings and please don't blame yourself. I went through a rollercoaster of hurt, anger and blaming myself. It helped me to organise my daughters funeral and do everything I possibly could for her and the service. I couldn't nurture her, or celebrate her birthdays, look forward to her wedding etc but I did what I could for her funeral. I also made a memory book with her photo, poems, birth record etc and that really helped me. Did the hospital do footprints and handprints for you? I put mine in a frame. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me but please don't feel alone. The ladies here are wonderful. :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## dancareoi

PallyD said:


> VaStClair said:
> 
> 
> I just lost my son 3 days ago at 19 weeks...my heart feels broken I cry myself to sleep at night. I don't. Know how to move on.
> 
> Hi, I am really sorry to hear about your loss. :hugs: Sorry I didn't reply earlier I've been away and today's the first day I logged in. I can understand how hurt you must be feeling right now and probably have lots of questions. I lost my baby girl at 19 weeks on the 25th January and everyone told me it would get easier. I didn't believe it as the pain will never go away but I'm getting there slowly. I used to cry every second and couldn't talk about Hope without falling apart, the ladies on here have been amazing and a rock. I couldn't have got through this without them as I felt only they could understand. I have had loads of support from family and friends but for me I felt nothing they said helped as they don't know what I'm feeling or going through. We had to wait 3 weeks before having Hope's funeral and then a week later to scatter her ashes, those were extremely difficult times but now I can say its got easier I have learnt to cope. I go to see my little one at the crematorium where we put her ashes with the other little babies and it gives me peace that she's now resting. I still cry and talk to her and have my good days and bad days but you can get through it and in time you will learn in your own way to cope with the pain. Don't suppress your feelings and please don't blame yourself. I went through a rollercoaster of hurt, anger and blaming myself. It helped me to organise my daughters funeral and do everything I possibly could for her and the service. I couldn't nurture her, or celebrate her birthdays, look forward to her wedding etc but I did what I could for her funeral. I also made a memory book with her photo, poems, birth record etc and that really helped me. Did the hospital do footprints and handprints for you? I put mine in a frame. If you ever need to talk you can always PM me but please don't feel alone. The ladies here are wonderful. :hugs::hugs::hugs:Click to expand...

Hi Pally, glad to hear you are getting there slowly. it takes time doesn`t it?
At the moment i am having more good days than bad and that is after only 8 weeks.

I posted a thread the other day headed `two steps forward, one step back`
That is how i feel, it is a slow process, but eventually we will get there.
Lisa :hugs::hugs::hugs:


----------



## MrsGnt

VaStClair said:


> The nurse took pictures of him so I can look at him if I so choose so at least I have that..my doctor also told me today that he had downs so now I am terrified to have another child..I have no idea where to go from here

Honey I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks on 26th June 2011. I too, never held her. To this day it had haunted me - I can't tell you how much better you have made me feel about it. I just wanted to remember her wriggling in my tummy.

I have since looked at the pictures the nurses gave me and I am now so glad that I have them. I won't say too much but if you want to know what to expect or any questions about what she looks like just ask. For me a lot of it was not knowing what to expect from this picture - my OH still has not looked.

I too did not know she was a girl until after the post mortem results which came through on 31st August.

I promise it gets better - but it's like one of the posts further up says, it becomes a new normal.


----------

