# Who did you have in the room with you?



## baymax

Hi everyone :) I recently turned 20 and on my birthday I found out I was pregnant, I should be about 5 weeks. I know it's a wee bit early to be thinking about labour, but I haven't told the father yet (who I'm not with), which I'm scared to do xD but I know he'll want to hash out these details sooner rather than later so I thought I'd ask everyone first before I tell him.

My question is who, who did you have in the room with you when you gave birth? I heard that a girl I used to be good friends with had almost her whole family in the room, others who have had friends in the room as well, and others with just the father. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks :) thanks so much.


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## Lauraxamy

First time around I had my FOB (we were together then) second baby, we'd split up when I was around 16 weeks pregnant and to cut a long story short he wasn't around much back then so I didn't want him there, my Mum had my LO as she was only 18 months and I wanted her to be with someone familiar so I decided to do it alone, my best friend was an option if I changed my mind but when I'm in pain I like to be fully left alone so it didn't really bother me. I'd hate a whole room full of people! I was actually assigned a student midwife (not sure if it was coincidence or whether they thought it'd be nice for me to have someone there) who came to all appointments with me and who I was told to call when I went into labour, so she was actually there with me the whole time. She also came to visit me twice after the birth which was lovely.


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## Amy2701

I've had my DH and my mum both times. DH is great, but I always think a girl needs her mum (if she's able to be there obviously). I know it helped me a great deal having my mum there. 

I'm planning on having them both again this time if I can. Obviously it'll be a bit more difficult with us already having two small children who attend nursery.. My mum might have to look after them if we can't make other arrangements. X


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## Eleanor ace

With my DS I had just the Midwife and a couple of other MW's who popped in and out for most of it and then my DH when he finally arrived towards the end :haha:. With my DD I went to hospital with my DH and he was with me along with a MW and a paramedic. I would haaaaate to have other people there; when my DH couldn't be reached while I was in labour with my DS the midwives asked whether there was anyone else I wanted them to call but it really didn't appeal to me. I'm close with my family and have close friends too but I wouldn't be fully at ease with any of them like I am with my DH.


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## kajastarlight

With my DS1 I had his father, his father's Mother, and my Mother
With DS2 their father and I were split up by then but still great friends. Same ppl with DS2 as DS1 except my Sister and her friend were there too.

I have been there for my sister and for my Husband's friends labor


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## MrsKChicago

I'm still pregnant with my first, but I'm planning on just DH. We're private people, I don't want the whole family there. I do have a friend "on call," in case we need extra support, or in case DH is at work or something and I need to get to the hospital fast. I'm considering a doula, and I'd almost definitely hire one if DH wasn't able to be there.


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## Perplexed

DH was with me the entire time, mom was around sometimes. She wasn't in the room while I was pushing but she came in after. She stayed behind the curtain while I had my stitches done.

This time DH might be away on a training course and I don't think it can be rescheduled- we haven't found out yet :( I would want my mom there but I'd be worried about who would look after DD. I don't want her to go anywhere else overnight, just to my mom's. So I've agreed with my sister that she would come along if my mom can't (like if I have a night labor or something). I told her that she can go behind the curtain for examinations and so on and she just said she'll stand whereever I want her to, lol.


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## Kota

My first it was just my husband, and obviously the midwives at the hospital., i have no interest in my mother being there, (we get along great, just don' tneed her there) and there was no one else that even crossed my mind as wanting. 

My second was a homebirth so slightly different, I had 2 private midwives, a student midwife, hubby and a birth photographer. was an incredible experience. 

This time i'm planning another homebirth so will be looking at a similar birth team as last time.


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## luz

Both of my labors i only had my husband and the team of drs and nurses. I don't think anyone else needs to be there to see my nudity on display


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## Kburt

With my first, I had just my DH in with me for the actual delivery. My parents and his parents were in and out during the labor process, but I really didn't want them in there once it started getting rough as every little thing was irritating me :blush: and I kept wanting to yell! Haha. 
Growing up, I always wanted my mom to be in with me, but my DH really wanted it only to be us. At first I was hurt, but he doesn't feel strongly about much, and I knew that it must be important to him if he really was pushing for it! Turns out, it was the best thing for us! It gave us such an amazing bonding experience as a family, and I wouldn't have changed it for the world!! This time around I plan to do the same &#128516;.
Of course, everyone is different and has their own preferences. My advice is to go with your gut. Picture the moment and who are the people who you see by your side as your lo enters the world (and who are you comfortable with seeing your lady bits!!)? ;-)


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## we can't wait

DD1 I had my DH and mom.

DD2 i had just DH.


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## JessesGirl29

For me it was amazing just having my partner and I. I'm an extrovert and normally never stop talking but in labour I just went in to myself and I couldn't have done it without him right by my side. 

It was one of the most romantic moments of my life when my son was born and on my chest and I looked up at my partner and said 'I did it.' :cloud9:

I had planned to have my best friend but went with my gut in the end and was so happy it was just him and I when our family was truely 'born'.


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## trish6

I had my mother, my boyfriend and my best friend with me. They were all really supportive and distracted me from the pain!


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## emyandpotato

I had my OH, anyone else would have been weird! If my OH wasn't there I'd do it alone.


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## tinkerbelle93

Just my husband (then boyfriend) with me, personally for me anyone else would be weird. Birth is a wonderful thing but it really can be extremely undignified in many ways that I cannot even imagine having a friend or MIL etc there!


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## mara16jade

For laboring, I had my whole family visit in shifts (only 4 people were allowed in at a time). But for pushing, it was just my husband. :)

To be honest though, I would have been just fine with just my hubby the entire time until closer to when it was time to push. I was so tired from not sleeping the night before and I have a bit of trouble staying relaxed with people hovering around me. I brought earplugs and a sleep mask, and just put those on to drown out the others. But they got the hint and let me be...which was nice. haha


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## mara16jade

luz said:


> Both of my labors i only had my husband and the team of drs and nurses. I don't think anyone else needs to be there to see my nudity on display

Pretty much my thoughts exactly! :haha:

They put a giant spot light on my nether regions and raised up the bed. I seriously felt like I was on display. :dohh:


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## skyesmom

i agree, go with your gut with whom you feel comfortable with. you know that the best. there are people who have many visitors and people who have none.

i'm pretty open and have a great relationship with my parents, i also have no issues whatsoever with nudity (in fact i often go to nude beaches for the pure fact that it is oh so comfortable not to have a wet swimsuit on you afterwards)...

...but labor... just me and the OH and the necessary midwifes will be there, and as little as possible as well. for me, giving birth is something very intimate, i know it may sound weird but the babies begin with a sexual act and to me birth is some sort of a similar kind of intimacy. so, except for the necessary medical help (and i plan either a home birth or a midwife led birth center), it is just the two of us :)


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## baymax

Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I'll be telling him tomorrow, but I've given this a lot of thought beforehand. I personally just don't think I'd be comfortable with the father being there, but does he have some sort of right to be there if he wants to be? :S


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## Kiwiberry

I had DH and MIL in the room with me. I really needed the support since I was going into pre-term labor at 27+6 weeks. I honestly think it is all up to you and your needs on who gets to go in with you.


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## MrsKChicago

baymax said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I'll be telling him tomorrow, but I've given this a lot of thought beforehand. I personally just don't think I'd be comfortable with the father being there, but does he have some sort of right to be there if he wants to be? :S

I think, as long as there are no extenuating issues (abuse, refusal to take responsibility, etc), he has the right to visit after the baby is born. Anything else is up to you. Normally, I'd be a little more flexible, at least about visits during the labor but not pushing part, but there's lots of evidence that labor is harder on the mom in a stressful environment, and I feel very strongly that mom gets to do anything in her power to make her environment less stressful, and that definitely includes deciding who is and isn't invited into the room. I wouldn't risk stalling labor and inviting complications to be nice or "fair."


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## nmpjcp2015

I'm going to have my husband and my sister. He might be a little squeamish, but I want him in there if he can stand it, and my sister is my best friend in the whole world. She makes me feel calm and collected, and she's also good at getting sh*t done. I want her there to boss people around if needed. Lol.


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## Kiwiberry

baymax said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I'll be telling him tomorrow, but I've given this a lot of thought beforehand. I personally just don't think I'd be comfortable with the father being there, but does he have some sort of right to be there if he wants to be? :S

Yes he certainly has the right to be there. Just because he does not carry the baby for 9 months does not mean he is any less of a parent to the baby. He has just as much of a right to be around the baby as you do.


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## mara16jade

Kiwiberry said:


> baymax said:
> 
> 
> Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I'll be telling him tomorrow, but I've given this a lot of thought beforehand. I personally just don't think I'd be comfortable with the father being there, but does he have some sort of right to be there if he wants to be? :S
> 
> Yes he certainly has the right to be there. Just because he does not carry the baby for 9 months does not mean he is any less of a parent to the baby. He has just as much of a right to be around the baby as you do.Click to expand...

I don't quite agree with this. 

OP - There is no LEGAL right that he has to be in the room with you. It is totally up to you. And I agree with a PP that you need to do whatever makes YOU comfortable and most at ease. If you're fine with the father being there to visit during labor but not pushing, ok. But if he wants to be there for pushing, and you do not want him to...well...tough cookies for him. Its your body and its a very private matter in my mind (not too many people get to see my goodies, and no way would I let someone who I don't want to be there see me in all my glory!). I barely wanted to doctors to look. :lol:


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## tinkerbelle93

mara16jade said:


> Kiwiberry said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> baymax said:
> 
> 
> Thank you everyone for your responses! It's so interesting reading about all the different experiences. I'll be telling him tomorrow, but I've given this a lot of thought beforehand. I personally just don't think I'd be comfortable with the father being there, but does he have some sort of right to be there if he wants to be? :S
> 
> Yes he certainly has the right to be there. Just because he does not carry the baby for 9 months does not mean he is any less of a parent to the baby. He has just as much of a right to be around the baby as you do.Click to expand...
> 
> I don't quite agree with this.
> 
> OP - There is no LEGAL right that he has to be in the room with you. It is totally up to you. And I agree with a PP that you need to do whatever makes YOU comfortable and most at ease. If you're fine with the father being there to visit during labor but not pushing, ok. But if he wants to be there for pushing, and you do not want him to...well...tough cookies for him. Its your body and its a very private matter in my mind (not too many people get to see my goodies, and no way would I let someone who I don't want to be there see me in all my glory!). I barely wanted to doctors to look. :lol:Click to expand...

Yes this, I'm pretty sure even if you're married your husband doesn't have any 'rights' to be in the room if you're not comfortable with it, ultimately it's down to you and I could completely understand someone who isn't in a relationship with their FOB to want them outside the room x


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## Kiwiberry

It has nothing to do with whether or not its legal, but everything to do with the fact that its his child too. More often than not women act like its only their child when it takes two people to make a baby. Obviously there are situations where it would not be a good thing, like if the father was abusive, or anything of the sort but to deny him the chance to see his own child be born just because you want to, well that is just selfish and really low.

I doubt allowing the father of your child in the room with you has anything to do with "comfort" (unless its an abusive relationship). I mean after all, you had sex and they saw you naked probably more than once. If you feel comfortable with total strangers (medical staff) seeing you give birth, then there is no reason to feel uncomfortable with the father of the baby. The only reason to be like that is because you are a selfish person and want to feel like you have power over people.

Seeing your own child be born is such a magical and wonderful experience. It is probably best if you have a good reason to deny the father of such an experience other than the fact you want to be selfish.

This was not directed at anyone, just expressing my opinion in general. Obviously how comfortable you are applies, but I already explained why there are extenuating circumstances when it comes to the father of the baby.

Since this is a pointless discussion (everyone has their opinion) i am going to unsubscribe from this thread and never look back. Good luck to you OP and I hope you make all the right choices.


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## baymax

Thank you all for your feedback. I think I'd be fine with having him there before and right after the birth, just not during (or the 'pushing' part). I still have to discuss it with him, but I'm glad he at least doesn't have a legal right to be in the room. I just don't know what to say if he gets angry, but he's not the one who has to give birth is he :L I would just feel so so uncomfortable if he insisted on being there.

Kiwiberry, I don't know if you'll see this, but thanks for your opinion, posting in a thread like this means all opinions are welcome. Although I don't entirely agree with what you've written (I don't believe that my reasons for me not wanting him to be there are selfish, they are in fact about comfort and are entirely about our situation. Even if they were selfish, I think that mum gets to be a bit selfish during labour since it's her who has to do it xD)


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## Triocd

Whoever will make you feel most comfortable!


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## marielou11

I know someone who had practically her whole family :wacko:(sister, mum, MIL, SIL & OH). I just had my husband both times and this time we'll do the same. That's all I felt comfortable with... I was hesitant about having hubby see me like that but I appreciated having him there in the end. It's really up to you, you're the one doing the birthing!! xx


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## cupcakekate

Just my husband both times :)


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## lam_76

I just had my mum. My oh would have loved to be there but thanks to the uk government he couldn't. He needs a visa to come into the uk as he is from pakistan and i don't earn enough to sponsor him and he couldn't get a visitor visa as they didn't believe he would go back. In hindsight i was glad my mum was there as she kept me calm, i don't think oh would have done the same and i don't think he would have coped well seeing me in pain, he's bad enough when i have a cold! If we are lucky enough to have another lo i would hope that oh would be here but i would leave it up to him whether he wanted to be there or not but i would definitely want my mum there! If my mum couldn't have come i would have gone myself, i wouldn't have asked a friend as i wouldn't have felt comfortable.


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## Rhio92

I had just FOB for my son's birth, I wanted my mum there but he said no (he's a prick :haha: ).

This time, OH will be there x


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## paintrider89

I had my mom and DH the whole time. Best decision ever. DH was as supporting and tried to be helpful, but he was completely out of his element. My mom was on top of it, helping me with small reminders and communicating my wishes (I wanted skin to skin, but the nurse dressed DD, my mother told them what I wanted and got her in dressed for me)


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## zebbed89

I only had my oh with my daughter and it will be the same this time round! It just felt right just us two it's one moment we will always have shared just us two. X


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## LucyLadyBug

Sadly still waiting to try for my first, but most likely just my two partners. I like the idea of having a doula, but am not keen on the room getting crowded, but one of my partners who already works in the healthcare industry has already volunteered to do a doula course privately closer the time. And both will be coming to all the prenatally type stuff.

Me and my mum have very clashing personalities and she is one of the last people i'd want near me when giving birth.


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