# do absent fathers want to see their kids if they start paying?



## surprisebaby

I was just wondering if anyone has experience of absent fathers being made to pay through CSA and this sparking an interest in them wanting to see their child when they hadn't previously been interested. 

I just wondered if my fob is made to pay, whether he might suddenly want to see her... After all if he is paying for her...she does exist and can't be pushed out the mind as much.

Just wondered about other people's experiences or thoughts.
Thanks x


----------



## whatwillbe

Im not sure hun as my 3 kids dad from a previous relationship has always seen his kids, but i think the fob will think he has more rights to see lo being as though he's paying, but wether or not he chooses to is his choice an if not then its loss hun x


----------



## Surreal

FOB has been paying chid support through ORS(US child support) since last year, and he still plays as if my son doesn't exist.

In all honesty, not to be negative, but, most times I've seen where a FOB takes interest after being forced to pay, is when he threatens to try to take custody, so he no longer has to pay...

If he's not interested, then nothing is going to change that, less then him having a sudden realization of maturity. But, it doesn't happen often. She's better off not knowing, imho, then having to handle a resentful father, who's forced to know her. That could lead to a lot of emotional stress for the child, I think...

Good luck, though, and in the long run, he should pay, weither he wants involvement or not. Responsibility doesn't change, because you choose to ignore it.


----------



## Lemonflower

I applied for CSA and fob denied paternity. He is told people he didn't want to pay for "my mistake" (even though we planned LO)
He sent his gf to my house so she could quiz me and look at my baby!!!

Originally I would have gave him access but after this and his lack of interest I cancelled my CSA claim.
He knows 100% LO is his - he just doesn't want him messing up his "new perfect life".

I don't want my LO seeing a man that doesn't want him and feels he will have to see him to spite me.
I don't want my son around his mental gf either.

This is an interesting thread I would like to see if any men did want access once CSA got involved.
I dripped my claim cos as I said I'm scared fob will use LO as a weapon as he has to pay.


----------



## whatwillbe

Lemonflower said:


> I applied for CSA and fob denied paternity. He is told people he didn't want to pay for "my mistake" (even though we planned LO)
> He sent his gf to my house so she could quiz me and look at my baby!!!
> 
> Originally I would have gave him access but after this and his lack of interest I cancelled my CSA claim.
> He knows 100% LO is his - he just doesn't want him messing up his "new perfect life".
> 
> I don't want my LO seeing a man that doesn't want him and feels he will have to see him to spite me.
> I don't want my son around his mental gf either.
> 
> This is an interesting thread I would like to see if any men did want access once CSA got involved.
> I dripped my claim cos as I said I'm scared fob will use LO as a weapon as he has to pay.

I cant get my head around how a man can want / plan for a baby with some one snd then pretend the child doesnt exist, and to deny paternity !! It just shows they are little boys in a grown man's body, who like the idea of being "daddy" but when it comes to it, they just not man enough, it makes my blood boil !! And i think that's right what some one else said, if they show no interest in the beggining, nothings really going to make them want to be involved :( but to all you single mom's, including me, you'll all make a better mommy and daddy to your babies than these little boys ever could x


----------



## MommaAlexis

Same thing happened to me, Lemonflower. He's pretending I don't exist after 3 years, engagement, and planned pregnancy. Pfft. We'll see if he tries to get involved after I file for custody and child support.


----------



## SVN22

Hi, this is my first time posting here, so sorry that I don't know all the lingo yet. Need to find a cheat sheet for that. 

My daughter is 5, I get $500 child support a month, and have full physical custody. In the past 2 1/2 years, he has seen her for a total of about 70 hours and 99% of those hours were supervised by his parents. So to answer your question, they all don't want to see their kids just because they have to pay child support. Everyone is different.

Good luck!


----------



## teal

I'll never understand how someone can just completely ignore that they have a child. I don't claim child support, I doubt I'd get much anyway but it's something I'd probably worry about if I decided to claim. In saying that it has been over 3 years since I've seen him.


----------



## Gunnhilde

Not mine. He can't even look at pictures of her still. :flower:


----------



## Dezireey

I have threatened my FOB with child support but because of his so called brain injury and permanently damaged foot he is in a worse paid job and according to him if I take any money off him he won't have enough food to eat and then he may aswell hang himself. I am in between a rock and a hard place, if I claim, he might top himself ( can't be certain?) and he may be so pissed off with me it ruins any chance of him freely, of his own accord ever getting to know our son ( that's prob never gonna happen as he doesn't even talk about him) if I don't claim I also feel he is just getting away with it. Personally, in my case, if FOB was made to pay, he would go out of his way not to see his kid ever in a million years. So it depends on FOB's character.


----------



## surprisebaby

Dezireey said:


> I have threatened my FOB with child support but because of his so called brain injury and permanently damaged foot he is in a worse paid job and according to him if I take any money off him he won't have enough food to eat and then he may aswell hang himself. I am in between a rock and a hard place, if I claim, he might top himself ( can't be certain?) and he may be so pissed off with me it ruins any chance of him freely, of his own accord ever getting to know our son ( that's prob never gonna happen as he doesn't even talk about him) if I don't claim I also feel he is just getting away with it. Personally, in my case, if FOB was made to pay, he would go out of his way not to see his kid ever in a million years. So it depends on FOB's character.

Wow, that's unbelieveable and quite sad. You wouldn't want a death on your conscience. I would probably leave the CSA out in this circumstance and come to a private arrangement. I know he is financially responsible, but you sound uncomfortable about claiming so maybe best to go with your instincts about it. Yes I think it does maybe depend on personality of FOB when I think about it. Hope your fob gets some kind of help so maybe in the future there is a possibility of a relationship between him and your son if that's what everyone wants.


----------



## Ceejay123

Are you sure he's not just trying to guilt trip you Honey? My ex used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left him, if I didn't go round right now.. Blah blah. x


----------



## Gunnhilde

Ceejay123 said:


> Are you sure he's not just trying to guilt trip you Honey? My ex used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left him, if I didn't go round right now.. Blah blah. x

XH used to say the same thing and I would just tell him to go ahead and do it. Why would I care? He was just bluffing. :dohh:


----------



## Dezireey

Ceejay123 said:


> Are you sure he's not just trying to guilt trip you Honey? My ex used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left him, if I didn't go round right now.. Blah blah. x

He has already unsuccessfully attempted suicide before he met me, a friend of his told me that after his ex left him and took all his belongings and house he went up in some woods and took booze and 40 pills, he was found by a dog walker and only just saved. So he is quite capable of doing it. he lies about some things and not others and is now a very, very sad and confused individual who is obviously in a severe depressive episode. I do try to be kind to him despite him leaving me pregnant but my LO more important than pandering to his deadbeat Dad. Sad, yes but sometimes in life you have so much shit going on you should grow up, be strong and not drag people down with you. He needs help and he won't get it, not much else I can do really. CSA would probably tip him over the edge.


----------



## Ceejay123

Ah - I hope he gets help. :( Maybe when he gets his mental state sorted, he'll grow up and be a proper Dad? so long as your LO has you they have everything they need :D x


----------



## Gunnhilde

Dezireey said:


> Ceejay123 said:
> 
> 
> Are you sure he's not just trying to guilt trip you Honey? My ex used to tell me he'd kill himself if I left him, if I didn't go round right now.. Blah blah. x
> 
> He has already unsuccessfully attempted suicide before he met me, a friend of his told me that after his ex left him and took all his belongings and house he went up in some woods and took booze and 40 pills, he was found by a dog walker and only just saved. So he is quite capable of doing it. he lies about some things and not others and is now a very, very sad and confused individual who is obviously in a severe depressive episode. I do try to be kind to him despite him leaving me pregnant but my LO more important than pandering to his deadbeat Dad. Sad, yes but sometimes in life you have so much shit going on you should grow up, be strong and not drag people down with you. He needs help and he won't get it, not much else I can do really. CSA would probably tip him over the edge.Click to expand...

Not to be mean, but do you think it is better for your LO to have an unstable, irresponsible father who threatens suicide in his or her life? If he is threatening suicide, he shouldn't be around your LO at all. Sometimes when people go over the edge they take children with them, if you catch my drift.

Sucks either way, but if he is willing to commit suicide over having to pay child support, he should be in a facility or on some heavy medications. That is so many levels past normal and you know it.


----------



## Dezireey

oh yeah I agree. He's gone from bad to worse lately and as I am settling into motherhood and bonding with my child, I am starting to realise that best he has no biological father in his life than one who behaves like this.


----------

