# Opinions about baby before marriage



## hunnibun

Was just wondering what you all think about couples having a baby before getting married?

I always said i would want to be married before having a baby but at the moment wanting to be married first is outweighed buy the longing for a baby.

My friend got married a year ago and they brought the wedding forward so that they could start trying for a baby (who is now a gorgeous 2 month old little boy) So obviously they wouldnt consider having a baby" out of wedlock".
I know times have changed but is it still frowned upon? Alot of people i went to school with who r the same age have children and arent married they r just being happy with what they have.

Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?


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## Sambatiki

My opinion has dramtically changed since I had a MC in april. Now we have put off our wedding plans so we can have a baby. The MC made me realise that there is far more to life than a dress and cake. Having a baby is a bigger commitment than a marriage, you can divorce your husband. But a baby will tie you together forever. In an ideal world I would love to get married first but we cant afford to do both.


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## Dream.A.Dream

I have no problems with babies before marriage :) Although marriage is important to me so i would want to get married at some point


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## hunnibun

Sambatiki said:


> My opinion has dramtically changed since I had a MC in april. Now we have put off our wedding plans so we can have a baby. The MC made me realise that there is far more to life than a dress and cake. Having a baby is a bigger commitment than a marriage, you can divorce your husband. But a baby will tie you together forever. In an ideal world I would love to get married first but we cant afford to do both.

Thats exactly what i said to OH!!! he looked at me like i was a mental case! But totally know what u mean. Marriage is important to me too but my mum and dad were divorced when i was 11 and i am adament i am not going to be another statistic, that thought scares me more then having a baby. Once ur a mum/dad u will be a forever but a wedding is one day a baby is for life!


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## honeybunch2k7

hunnibun said:


> Was just wondering what you all think about couples having a baby before getting married?
> 
> *I always said i would want to be married before having a baby but at the moment wanting to be married first is outweighed buy the longing for a baby.*?

I feel like that,too.

Personally, I don't care if I'm married while we TTC. I would want to be married sometime during pregnancy or shortly after the birth. 

I was very adamant about marriage first-that was b4 I was pregnant then miscarried. When I was pregnant I was satisified with having a loving, stable relationship and the promise of marriage at some point soon.


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## hunnibun

I feel the same honeybunch2k7. As long as i knew it was coming i think id be ok with it, just made me think coz OH asked me what name i would want our baby to have if we werent married at the time. That got me thinking...I would want he/she to have daddies name but then it would make me feel a little sad that i didnt have the same name as my child....untill we got married so id want it not to be too long after i think


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## Mrs Doddy

We are married and looking back at the cost of the wedding we have done it the right way round for us - there is no way we could have afforded a baby and a wedding - plus we went on a fab honeymoon - we wouldn't have had anyone to look after the baby and certainly wouldn't have taken a baby on a honeymoon 

Not saying the above isn't right for someone else


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## LeaArr

I don't think being married will make you any better of a parent than not being married. I think it's rediculous to think that a dress, cake, and piece of paper would give you magical baby-rearing powers.

I married DH because I wanted us to be a family. There is a strange shift when I couple actually says their "I Do's" though. You are looked at differently, not individually, but as a couple. It's strange cause I sure don't feel any different. 

Sorry for the ramble. I hope it made sense.


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## codegirl

This is going to sound so old fashioned but, we got married because we wanted a baby :)

Long story... I love my DH and couldn't imagine my life without him. I was not, however, in any rush to get married. I had a very horrible first marriage and aways said that I felt more married to my DH then I ever felt with my ex.
DH made it very clear to me though, that he would not concider having a baby unless we got married. So, <sigh> I married that crazy man. :D

It is such a personal choice, and I really think it's more about committment than the paper. Things can go wrong in a relationship with or without the legal paper, so I'm not sure that the importance that some people place on marriage (paper wise) is that critical.


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## Dream.A.Dream

I can see where you're coming from with the surname thing. I'm not sure about it myself, i think it would be odd not having the same surname as your child but i imagine the father wouldn't be very happy at the child not having his surname. hmmm


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## codegirl

katy said:


> I can see where you're coming from with the surname thing. I'm not sure about it myself, i think it would be odd not having the same surname as your child but i imagine the father wouldn't be very happy at the child not having his surname. hmmm

I didn't take my husbands surname, nor him mine. We are just going to use both surnames for the baby :)


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## charveyron

Lol! This thread makes me laugh, when I told my boss I was pg, he's response was "Don't you think you should get rid of it and wait until your married!" Needless to stay I didn't stay his employee for long!!!


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## maddiwatts19

Personally, i dont see a problem with it!! But i guess thats because bubba is due 28th February 2009, and the wedding is booked for 28th August 2010...wedding was booked before bubba popped up though!! 
In my opinion, if the people feel right, then why should it matter??
But everyone is different, and it totally depends on the person!
x


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## hunnibun

charveyron said:


> Lol! This thread makes me laugh, when I told my boss I was pg, he's response was "Don't you think you should get rid of it and wait until your married!" Needless to stay I didn't stay his employee for long!!!

:shock:Oh my god! r u serious? He really said that! thats terrible. I very much hope he was joking! He'd have got a slap had he said that to me lol


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## Lynxylaydee1

hiya, well im engaged and TTC but i dont correlate the two at all, i think they are both just as and when u feel the time is right for you as parents to be and for you as a husband and wife. the two do go amazingly well together but also brilliantly not. some married couples have huge problems some dont, just do what feels right for you, times have changed yes, and i cant think of anyone i know that will look down on me for having a baby before getting married! follow your heart and be happy with whatever you choose to do! good luck hun xxx


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## Sarah88

Me and my OH are't married, granted the pregnancy was not planned but I don't think that you need to be married to have a baby together. If you love each other then why should you need a ring to prove it and 'get permission' to have a baby.


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## Faerie

We started to TTC before we got married (or engaged) as it turns out 2 years later we're now married and still no bubba, ho hum!!
Some people still have old fashioned views, was hilarious, when I told people at work that I was engaged they said things like "oo, so when will you be leaving us?" basically assuming that married women don't work (Switzerland is v backward). When I was pregnant last year I got quite a few disapproving looks from colleagues (I then mc) and yet a year later I'm with the same guy but now married and those same people are asking me "soo, when are you going to get pregnant?". People are crazy.


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## Dream.A.Dream

hunnibun said:


> charveyron said:
> 
> 
> Lol! This thread makes me laugh, when I told my boss I was pg, he's response was "Don't you think you should get rid of it and wait until your married!" Needless to stay I didn't stay his employee for long!!!
> 
> :shock:Oh my god! r u serious? He really said that! thats terrible. I very much hope he was joking! He'd have got a slap had he said that to me lolClick to expand...

Same...i would go mental! i don't agree with the way people seem to place such little importance on possible human life nowadays! And that seems like a slightly backwards attitude to have nowadays. No offence to anyone who thinks marriage should always come before babies though.


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## Dream.A.Dream

codegirl said:


> katy said:
> 
> 
> I can see where you're coming from with the surname thing. I'm not sure about it myself, i think it would be odd not having the same surname as your child but i imagine the father wouldn't be very happy at the child not having his surname. hmmm
> 
> I didn't take my husbands surname, nor him mine. We are just going to use both surnames for the baby :)Click to expand...


Genius idea :)


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## m_t_rose

I personally think it was important for me to be married first. But that is also because I didn't live with my OH before I married him. I don't think that being married will make me a better parent than someone who isnt married. It is just part of my values that made me want to wait until after I was married to have sex. I don't think that is the right choice for everyone and I think everyone should be able to make their own without being judged.


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## hunnibun

m_t_rose said:


> I personally think it was important for me to be married first. But that is also because I didn't live with my OH before I married him. I don't think that being married will make me a better parent than someone who isnt married. It is just part of my values that made me want to wait until after I was married to have sex. I don't think that is the right choice for everyone and I think everyone should be able to make their own without being judged.


Bravo! :)


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## honeybunch2k7

charveyron said:


> Lol! This thread makes me laugh, when I told my boss I was pg, he's response was "Don't you think you should get rid of it and wait until your married!" Needless to stay I didn't stay his employee for long!!!

OMG!!!


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## Jessa

When I moved in with my husband about six months after we started dating, my parents were not very happy. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being reminded that there's an order in which you're supposed to do things: graduate university, find a guy, get married, move in, have babies. 

After moving in with him, I definitely don't agree with that timeline. Times have changed, I suppose. In the case of having a baby with someone who I wasn't married to, I'd just want to make very sure that it was forever. Being married is important to me.

I also changed my name when we got married for the sole purpose of having the same last name as my future children and my husband.


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## NatalieW

I think you have to do what is best and right for you as a couple.

On the grand scheme of things to get married all you need is £105, to get married in a registry office if you don't want to spend alot of money and not alot of fuss.

On my personal note, my DH and I decided to get married before having a baby only because we think its the correct way for us and we have just started ttc. Our wedding wasn't massive but we did spend about £3.5k on it and got the best day of our lives so far. I also felt that I wanted my husbands surname as well

You have to what is right for you...


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## LeaArr

Jessa said:


> When I moved in with my husband about six months after we started dating, my parents were not very happy. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being reminded that there's an order in which you're supposed to do things: graduate university, find a guy, get married, move in, have babies.
> 
> After moving in with him, I definitely don't agree with that timeline. Times have changed, I suppose. In the case of having a baby with someone who I wasn't married to, I'd just want to make very sure that it was forever. Being married is important to me.
> 
> *I also changed my name when we got married for the sole purpose of having the same last name as my future children and my husband.*


That was a big part of the reason I got married too. I personally think that's important for a family unit. Not saying that if you are in a long term relationship and have children, you aren't a family. Everyone has different views on this one.


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## maybebaby

Our pregnancy wasn't planned, and we aren't married. We have been together for almost 3 years, and are very happy, and very much look forward to our little daughter. As far as marriage, I definitely didn't want to get married just because we are having a child, I want to get married because it is the right thing for us. I even told him not to propose while i am pg, because I will just turn him down. After she is here and we are settled in as a family, we'll re-address the issue. :) Just my outlook!


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## honeybunch2k7

Jessa said:


> When I moved in with my husband about six months after we started dating, my parents were not very happy. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being reminded that there's an order in which you're supposed to do things: *graduate university, find a guy, get married, move in, have babies. *
> After moving in with him, I definitely don't agree with that timeline. Times have changed, I suppose. In the case of having a baby with someone who I wasn't married to, I'd just want to make very sure that it was forever. Being married is important to me.
> 
> I also changed my name when we got married for the sole purpose of having the same last name as my future children and my husband.

My folks are like that,too, for the most part. The order they want would be more like graduate, get a career established, find a guy, then baby. That's not a typo marriage was purposefully left out. Marriage isn't that big of a deal to my folks,but it is to me. They have more emphasis on me supporting myself with the assumption that I'll probably be alone at some point. It's good to have back up but I find there attitude a bit depressing. However, I cant say that I agree with that, but hey, it's my life isnt it? :D They think their goals will automatically be mine. That's so far from reality.


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## lilo77

Ive no objections to having a baby before marriage, pretty much all of my friends who've had children are not married yet although theyre in serious relationships. A child is the biggest commitment you can ever make in my opinion its creating a human being thats part of each of you and that means a lot more to me than a ring and a certificate!


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## clairebear

i personally dont think it matters we just happened to be married first we were trying before we got married but fell pg when we got back of honeymoon xx


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## hunnibun

Jessa said:


> When I moved in with my husband about six months after we started dating, my parents were not very happy. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being reminded that there's an order in which you're supposed to do things: graduate university, find a guy, get married, move in, have babies.
> 
> After moving in with him, I definitely don't agree with that timeline. Times have changed, I suppose. In the case of having a baby with someone who I wasn't married to, I'd just want to make very sure that it was forever. Being married is important to me.
> 
> I also changed my name when we got married for the sole purpose of having the same last name as my future children and my husband.

Get married then move in ????? Im not sure i could marry sumone ive never lived with... how do u know u can tolerate them 24/7 if u havent lived with them, stinky feet and all :rofl:


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## oOKayOo

I dont want to get married so im fine with having babies out of wedlock


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## m_t_rose

I think stastically speaking that the marriages that the couples don't live together first typically last longer than the ones that the couple has lived together. I could be wrong but I thought that is what I heard. I also think that living with someone for the first time after getting married could be a tragic mistake for somepeople. To each their own. My parents would have been very disappointed if my DH had lived with me before we got married.


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## honeybunch2k7

m_t_rose said:


> I* think stastically speaking that the marriages that the couples don't live together first typically last longer than the ones that the couple has lived together. I *could be wrong but I thought that is what I heard. I also think that living with someone for the first time after getting married could be a tragic mistake for somepeople. To each their own. My parents would have been very disappointed if my DH had lived with me before we got married.

I had heard that,too. I have also heard that whether or not you live with someone before they can still change after marriage.


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## hunnibun

Didnt mean to offend anyone. :s


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## Jessa

hunnibun said:


> Jessa said:
> 
> 
> When I moved in with my husband about six months after we started dating, my parents were not very happy. I grew up in a household where I was constantly being reminded that there's an order in which you're supposed to do things: graduate university, find a guy, get married, move in, have babies.
> 
> After moving in with him, I definitely don't agree with that timeline. Times have changed, I suppose. In the case of having a baby with someone who I wasn't married to, I'd just want to make very sure that it was forever. Being married is important to me.
> 
> I also changed my name when we got married for the sole purpose of having the same last name as my future children and my husband.
> 
> Get married then move in ????? Im not sure i could marry sumone ive never lived with... how do u know u can tolerate them 24/7 if u havent lived with them, stinky feet and all :rofl:Click to expand...

Exactly! My husband actually had a girlfriend who he lived with for about a month. They'd been dating for two years before they moved in together, but he found out immediately that he couldn't stand being around her ALL the time. He kicked her out of his house within a few weeks and that was the end of that! Worked out well for me though!


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## honeybunch2k7

hunnibun said:


> Didnt mean to offend anyone. :s

You didn't. :)


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## hunnibun

Phew! :)


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## TT's

Well....

If one was to believe in marriage from a religious point of view, after all marriage is to join together in holly matremony (in the eye's of god) then one would have to tick a few boxes for me to belive that this is the true reason for you to get married. For example, do you partake in sex before marriage? Do you use any protection other than the withdrawl method? etc..

My thoughts are that most people who believe in marriage and beleive that children should come after it do so because they think it's 'right' or 'proper', most of these people have been on the pill for 10 years and sleeping with their partners (not to mention the partners previous...). So, in my view (and you did ask...) this is hypocritical - hardly the 'virgin bride' hey?

For those who would feel more 'secure' in wedlock and couldn't really care less about the actuall religious side of things then hey ho - whatever floats your boat, but there is absolutly no evidence to sugest that your partner would stay around after children any longer if you were married than if you had only known each other 6 months. What is that about 60% of marriages ending in divorce....? I wouldn't fancy my odds to be honnest!


I think that it should be how you feel honestly. Can you look your partner in the eyes and absolutly know from the bottom of your heart that you can trust them? and that, even if you did split up (and this could be your fault as well as theirs,as people - even you - do change) your partner would always do the best for your child/children? If the answer to this is yes then what the hell does a 'piece of paper' have to do with the price of turnips? And if the answer is no then why would you try and pretend everything is ok with a big dress and a fancy cake?

Only you know what is best for you and screw anyone who tries to impose their view on you or give you a tut cause your pushing a pram without wearing a piece of gold on your left hand - they're the hypocrites.(christianity, loving everyone regardless of their 'sins' etc...)

For the record I'm 26 and childless, my partner is 31 with 1 child from a previous relationship and we have been TTC for 6 months and we aren't married - nor do we plan to in the near future but we haven't ruled it out yet.

....Bet you wish you'd never asked :blush:


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## Lacey

It's all a matter of personal preference and opinion, really. The OH and I are getting married before we try for a baby, but my situation is a little different. I'm Canadian, hubby-to-be is American. Neither one of us meets the criteria to get a work visa, so marriage is the only way that we can be together permanently. If that weren't the case, I would be happy just to shack up and not bother with marriage.

(Mind you, I HAVE grown rather fond of the idea of being able to call him my husband. But that's not really relevant to this discussion. :mrgreen:)


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## nightkd

hunnibun said:


> I always said i would want to be married before having a baby but at the moment wanting to be married first is outweighed buy the longing for a baby.

I am precisely the same. My boyfriend is very certain that he wants us to be married before having a baby, or that if I got pregnant the first thing he'd do would be to marry me.

I'm not really bothered, I'd rather have a baby, maybe have a little ceremony if it's important to him, but save up for the proper thing in a few years!

I'd worry that my kid would be picked on or something...just if school kids found out/parents of other kids... But it wouldn't matter to me as long as my partner and I were together and supporting baby...

I'd prefer to be engaged and babyed up if anything!


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## makemeamammy

I am getting married in 2 years and h2b and i are wanting to start trying next month, i think that bcoz we have been engaged for 8 months that to me is a big enough commitment to know we will be together forever. I would not get pregnant without even being engaged as i feel i would want the father to make a commitment to me first just bcoz he wanted to rather than bcoz he felt obligated to for the sake of our child.


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## colesmom

I dont think it matters at all... if you are both commited to eachother and to having a baby..then a piece of paper isnt going to make a difference.


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## natz

Hiya,

I have been with my oh for 8yrs, were not married. We have a 2 yr old and WTT. So me personnaly, it works for us and course we have said about getting married ect. Wedidnt and it's not written off but to be honest we live and do everything like a married couple, so it doesnt really effect us. 

Nat x :happydance:


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## moomin_troll

i always thought id be married before i had a baby which i wouldnt want till i was atleast over 25....but things change lol im 20 pregnant with my first and we arent married and i dont think its a problem.

most people who weve told about the baby ask so when r u getting married? and we say we might not looked shocked and i dont get why after all this is 2008 and things are different now.

we have actually been thinking about getting married even before baby came along but cuz my oh is from scotland he wants to get married there and they are very stricked about having babies before marriage so guna be very hard to even find someone to marry us! Even tho they dont like people living in sin they dont really help do they lol


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## makemeamammy

moomin_troll said:


> but cuz my oh is from scotland he wants to get married there and they are very stricked about having babies before marriage so guna be very hard to even find someone to marry us! Even tho they dont like people living in sin they dont really help do they lol

me and my h2b are both scottish and both know loads of ppl who have got married after living together and having kids - some in registry offices and some in churches. it's not frowned upon the same as it was 10 years ago although at one wedding I attended (in a church) the minister referred to my friend's little girl as a 'mistake' during the vows which i thought was terrible. especially as she was 3 years old and heard her name being mentioned.


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## littlestar

moomin_troll said:


> most people who weve told about the baby ask so when r u getting married?

i've been married 3years and we get the opposite comment
'so your married, when are you having kids!' 

I met my hubby when i was 20 and knew we would one day get married, he proposed the night before graduating, and got an apartment together, (wouldn't marry anyone i hadn't live with first) and the day before we got married we'd been together for 5 years, we moved into a house last year and this march we started TTC. 

I always wanted to marry and have a career before having kids, we're both 28 now and feel the time is right for us. If it had happened sooner then god had other plans for us and we would had totally accepted it, but this worked for us. I do have close friend who are doing it the other way round, they have had a few comments but they're happy so that works for them.

Each to their own!


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## Pixie

I always said that I wanted to be married first before having a baby, but the most important thing to me is that a baby is conceived and born into a loving relationship and makes your family complete! We are expecting our baby in april and would like to get married one day but not worrying about it for now xx


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## moomin_troll

makemeamammy said:


> moomin_troll said:
> 
> 
> but cuz my oh is from scotland he wants to get married there and they are very stricked about having babies before marriage so guna be very hard to even find someone to marry us! Even tho they dont like people living in sin they dont really help do they lol
> 
> me and my h2b are both scottish and both know loads of ppl who have got married after living together and having kids - some in registry offices and some in churches. it's not frowned upon the same as it was 10 years ago although at one wedding I attended (in a church) the minister referred to my friend's little girl as a 'mistake' during the vows which i thought was terrible. especially as she was 3 years old and heard her name being mentioned.Click to expand...


thats a awful thing to say i would of flipped.
it was my OH who told me it would be hard because thats what his mum told him she wanted us to get msrried before baby came! i wouldnt just get married cuz im pregnant and now she knows that after i bluntly told her lol


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## lorrilou

i dont think it matters. i was with my ex for 7yrs and we have 2 gorgeous kids and although we were engaged we never got married. 

some people still frown upon it but tbh theres probably more people nowadays that have chidren out of wedlock than do when there married.


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## makemeamammy

i wouldn't have been happy either! we are ttc before our wedding too so i hope the minister we want to marry us won't mind if we have a little one and if he was that judgemental i wouldn't want him marrying us anyway!


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## saara24

Well, my darling husband-to-be has decided he wants us to get married before we TTC. LOL (see ticker)

We've been together for nearly six years and engaged for over five, so I'm not sure what the rush is now... I'm more than happy to get married now, or when I'm pregnant, or after baby - as long as it happens at some point. We own a house and a business together so can't see marriage changing things much.

A while ago I wanted to get married sooner rather than later but that urge has passed to make way for baby-urges!


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## mBLACK

I have a baby & am not married - mind you I'm only 15!:) I don't see anything wrong with it, although before I have my next baby I would like to be married.


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## Totally Mommy

I don't see needing to be married before having a baby. Heck I'm on my second baby with my OH and we're not married. Although we would love to get married soon we don't feel the need to be. We also don't plan on spending allot of money and actually are planning a getaway wedding for all of us to go on as a family vacation.

As for the last name. Both Damien and this baby have/are going to have OH's last name with no problems.


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## heavenly

Well whilst we are making plans....life happens...is that how the saying goes?

I am 42, got engaged in January this year...we both want a baby and obviously, we don't have all the time in the world. We either save up to have a little financial security behind us to bring a baby into the world, or save up for one day with a dress and a cake..we can't do both at the moment. So we know what is more important. Baby comes first...hopefully! [-o&lt;


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## Waiting2bMommy

I always wanted to be married first.. but then I got married... and regretted it. (I felt I got married just to have a baby and that was the wrong reason) After my divorce I fell in love with my now boyfriend and I love him more than life. He has also been married before and neither of us want to rush to get married (though we are planning to towards the end of 09) but we don't feel we need a piece of paper to tell us we love eachother. We both want a baby and right now we are in a okay place to try for one. Religiously I would like to be married... but other parts of me don't care. As long as you and your partner love eachother I don't see that it really matters much.


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## Samo

i personally wanted to wait till marriage to have a baby (and we did! didn't even TTC until a year into our marriage even). i so longed for a "family", husband, wife, son/daughter...could not imagine me saying "my boyfriend and i are expecting!" i wanted it to be "my husband and I!" That is just me though! I just feel better about myself about the route I chose to take. I feel like my family really thought i'd be knocked up in high school! I just felt like i needed to prove them "wrong" and that i did have my priorities straight.

now as for everyone else...to each their own. I know people who have children before marriage and i don't look down on them at all. I can't say they are all happy and even still with their partners today...but there are those married couples with children who end up split and unhappy in the end as well.

I do however feel strong about being responsible and having safe sex. It upsets me sometimes to see so many "accidents" as if people don't know the consequences of sex. If people are going to TTC or have unprotected sex, all i wish is that they are fully capable of accepting the responsibility physically, emotionally, and financially for caring for a baby.


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## cookie25

I think it's entirely up to the individual couple - sometimes baby before marriage works best, other times marriage then baby works best and either way is great if it works for the couple and nobody should judge people on their choices. 
Personally we got married first. That's because we are still young, haven't been together too long and therefore wanted to spend more time as a couple and have a bit more career time before TTC.


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## Hansie

I personally wanted to be married before we had a baby I think a marriage is more stable than a civil partnership. I guess one of the reasons we got married was to have a baby as I was pg within 2 months of being married. I have friends who are not married and have children and some of them have no intention of marring I think thats fine for them, its a very personal choice. My best friend's bf has just left her as he has been cheating on her, obviously she is gutted they have been together 8 years and have a 2yo lil girl. Cos me and my hubby are married if he were to leave me we would still be married and he would be tied to me I would like to think he would think twice about leaving cos we are married (not that hes going any where lol) It is a fact that married couples are more likley to stay together than couples who are not married. Each to their own tho xxxx


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## DNA0930

For me, I had to be married before having a baby, as that's how I was brought up. We also don't believe in living together before marriage, so I would be terribly stressed taking care of a baby all alone, and only seeing the bf after work, then having him go home to bed. Once we got married we had a year of the "honeymoon" phase before having the LO. 
Everyone has their own opinions on the issue, and I don't really believe its "frowned upon" anymore as you see it happening more often then ever (movies, Hollywood stars, etc.). I think everyone just needs to do what works for them, and for me, it was getting married first, but that may not be the case for everyone.


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## moomin_troll

i couldnt marry someone before even living with them. i think u should deffo try the milk before buying the cow hahaha


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## DNA0930

moomin_troll said:


> i couldnt marry someone before even living with them. i think u should deffo try the milk before buying the cow hahaha

:rofl:

Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment ;)


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## Farie

We are engaged but aren't planning on a wedding for quite a few years (personal choice ... we want to get married once we have moved to NZ)
We are TTC (have been for 11 months) and neither of us thinks marriage is a pre-requisite to children, but then neither of us is religious!
We'll get married when we are ready, on a beach, with a hog roast and loads of friends and hopefully our kids too (or some of them .. I want 5!)


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## Pyrrhic

I don't think people need to be married to have kids, many of my friends are not married and in stable relationships with kids.

However, for me personally I only started wanting children AFTER I was married.

If I weren't with my OH, I wouldn't want children. I want kids, because I am in a happy and stable relationship where I love my OH so much I want to create a family with him. It wasn't until after we were married that I felt ready to start thinking about kids.


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## babybooties

Hi hunnibun 

I have a little boy is neally 4 had him at 18 marriage didnt really come into my head, We are now trying for are second baby and are also getting married in 4 weeks time.

I will also find out if im pregnant or not for this month on my wedding day fingers crossed it will be a :bfp:


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## hunnibun

babybooties said:


> Hi hunnibun
> 
> I have a little boy is neally 4 had him at 18 marriage didnt really come into my head, We are now trying for are second baby and are also getting married in 4 weeks time.
> 
> I will also find out if im pregnant or not for this month on my wedding day fingers crossed it will be a :bfp:

Hi babybooties

just wanted to say good luck for ur weding hope its a wonderfull day :)


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## Angeldust

I dont think it matters thesa days hun :) years and years ago it was a strict thing especially if your roman catholic but many ladies have children and are not marriedso i wouldnt rush things , 

you could have baby as little page boy or bridemaid when you do get pregnant that would be a nice thing :)
One of my sister had her first then got married and she was little bridesmaides at 15mths
:)


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## Tasha

In the UK statistically parents are more likely to stay together if they are married than if they are not married.

I personally dont see it matters either way. I have 1st at 18 and got married at 19.


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## sparkswillfly

Im not married. Me and my Oh have been together for 2.5 years, lived together for 1.5 years. We will get married but only when we can afford the wedding we want. Prob in about 2 years. I dont think its important anymore.


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## hunnibun

Yeah im not so sure about "statistics" considering all the marriages that end in divorce nowadays


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## hunnibun

Sparkswillfly that dog in your avatar pic is so so cute!! :)


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## princess_bump

i too don't believe you need to be married to have children. love binds my and james (OH) together, we're engaged (have been so for over a year and a half) and will be marrying soon but only because it's a celebration of our love :cloud9: i always say to maddi... 'you were made with love and bound together by happiness'... you just kinda know when you meet your soul mate... that person you want to share everything together :cloud9: 
in my humble opinion i don't think marriage changes that :blush: but we still want to get married as a symbol of our love, not really for maddi, hope this makes sense :)


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## sarah1989

I am ok with TTC before marriage. My FH and I have been actively trying with no luck since april, but now have decided to wait until January 2011.


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## Serene123

My brother and my sister-in-law were engaged for 8 years before they got married, and they had their first child 5 years before that. They're still very happy! Marriage isn't what it used to be anyway.


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## princess_x0

I don't think it matters atall.
I don't actually want to get married at ALL. I would rather spend all that money my babies, then spend a whole loada money on one day just because I'm signing a bit of paper and exchanging rings.
What is a bit of paper anyway? Just more hassle breaking up teehee


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## sparkswillfly

I'd like to have the same surname as the rest of my family and Id like to have a ring on my finger. I would never want to do it on the cheap tho. My dads been engaged for 12 years and has two children. They always have something better to spend the money on like an extension.... more practical.


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## princess_x0

Meadow Rose.
Wow that is a beautiful name :) x


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## sparkswillfly

Thanks. Find out if we are going to use it on weds, or if its Cooper!


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## princess_x0

Lol good luck hun xx


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## Mynx

I had my daughter when I was 18 and hadnt been with her dad for very long. We got engaged but thank god we didnt get married! We split up when DD was just over 2 years old altho the relationship was very rocky for the whole time we were together. Soooo I was just glad I didnt get married then. DD has the same surname as her father too. 
I was with someone else for 11 years after that and, again we got engaged but never married, and we had agreed that we didnt want kids lol! 
Now I'm with the love of my life, and we've said that we would like to get married before even TTC, so it may be a while before we get to that point and my biological clock may have run out of juice by then.. but we're using the natural family planning method so what will be will be. 
I guess it's all down to the individual and also the relationship, but either way, being married doesnt change how you are as a parent x


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## Gwizz

We got pregnant 'accidently' i.e. it happened the same week I graduated from uni with my Masters - we always said we would get married after I finished uni, work for a year and then try ... however we did it back to front!. 

I dont mind staying engaged until we can afford the wedding, I dont think theres much of a taboo anymore - not in my family anyway, and the baby will have my OH surname, as he is the biological father whether I stay with him for ever or not.

xx


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## honeybunch2k7

princess_x0 said:


> I don't think it matters atall.
> I don't actually want to get married at ALL. I would rather spend all that money my babies,* then spend a whole loada money on one day just because I'm signing a bit of paper and exchanging rings.*
> What is a bit of paper anyway? Just more hassle breaking up teehee

He he. I know what you mean about the money though. OH and I will most likely be having a Vegas-style chapel wedding. All we need is our license, maybe some rings, a few visitors, and Elvis Presley as the pastor he he.


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## toffee87

Ideally I'd like to be married first, just so financially we can move forwards. Rather than saving whilst having kids. However, you're only young once, you're not fertile forever, but you can marry anytime (post 16).


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## hopeandpray

I'd like to be married 1st, it would give the baby's father legal rights first of all, if anything were to happen to me. to me its about commitment so would wanted that before i had a babyb. also i dont really understand ppl saying they cant afford weddings but cant afford babies?:shrug: weddings can cost as much or little as u want. babies will always be expensive 
i wouldnt mind alot if a had a surprise baby before marraige iykwim but would plan to be married first


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## mandaa1220

Marriage is something that I personally want before I have a baby, but it's not my belief that you need to be married beforehand. As long as you love someone and feel the commitment, that's what's important. Marriage isn't a guarentee forever, as people get divorced all the time, so I don't think people should think it makes it better to be married iykwim?


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## jackiea85

I am glad we got married first as it meant we could have a really nice honeymoon and some time as being husband and wife before having babies (though we didn't get very long really lol). However, I don't think it makes any difference whether a couple are married or not, having a baby is a very big commitment so if you are planning one together then surely you are planning on being together forever anyway? Being married doesn't guarantee you will be together forever, not being being married doesn't make you any less committed, it just depends what you want x


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## Bambi1985

I don't think it matters at all. Me and OH will be TTC sometime next year and have no plans to get married. With his ex he did it all "properly" and got married before having their kids, but obviously that didn't work out. As others have said it's far more important that the parents are in a loving commited relationship rather than just marring for the sake of a baby.


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## aliss

We aren't married but expecting #1. 

We have gotten a lot of flack from my family (particularly my mother, who is having an affair with a man 2 years younger than me, but is still married to my father of 30+ years). Even my doctor made a comment.

So, I could hardly care what people think of me. We are not religious so that is not our concern, and we want to purchase a home next year rather than spend $ on a wedding. I would prefer a civil ceremony at the courthouse but OH wants to do the whole thing. It isn't for me, I don't want the attention or stress.

Besides, at 26 and 32, I think we can make our own decisions.

Do what is right for you. Everyone seems to want to give their opinion on how YOU should conduct YOUR life :nope:


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## aliss

hopeandpray said:


> I'd like to be married 1st, it would give the baby's father legal rights first of all, if anything were to happen to me. to me its about commitment so would wanted that before i had a babyb. also i dont really understand ppl saying they cant afford weddings but cant afford babies?:shrug: weddings can cost as much or little as u want. babies will always be expensive
> i wouldnt mind alot if a had a surprise baby before marraige iykwim but would plan to be married first

Men still receive legal rights. It needs to be established but there is no need for a DNA test. OH goes on the birth certificate and files paternity. We are in Canada though, I'm not sure about other places.


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## goddess25

I dont think there is anything wrong with having a baby before marriage, but I firmly believe that you should be in a stable loving relationship and having a baby should be something that will tie you together and enhance your life.


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## morri

I don't se any connection between marriage and having a baby nowadays...


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## Kess

I sort of think if you're not emotionally ready to marry someone, you're not ready to have a baby with them. As people have said, a baby is a bigger commitment and I think too many people think, Oh, I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to marriage. Well, then, you're not ready to commit to having a baby with them.

BUT! I understand some people want to put off the wedding day for financial or other reasons, but want a baby now, and I can totally understand that. I also understand some people don't ever want to get married but still want kids, and that's fine too IMO. I'm only talking about people who see babies as less of a commitment than marriage.

For me, it's important to get married first, to solidify us as a family unit.


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## Rmar

I got married because I wanted a baby which wasn't easy because, well, you try trying getting married at 17. That said, my wedding had 10 people there and the biggest deal was my $300 dress (which I loved! but it wasn't flash) and the rest was just a good time with friends.


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## morri

I think though , you can commit to the other person quite well without a certificate though, so I dont put these too together.


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## babybump2010

We are getting married before ttc. It was a personal choice the me and oh felt we would be more of a family if we were married and i can't imagine my life with out my oh. 
I think it is a very personal choice tho and if ppl want a baby before marraige then as long as they are committed to the little one and love them unconditionaly then thats all that really matters!


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## Blob

Nope :lol: We werent fussed, we did to begin with want to be married first but TBH for me marriage isnt that important to me. :shrug: We are as good as married i dont know what a piece of paper is going to say? But i also DO want to call OH my husband :happydance:


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## buttonnose82

we are getting married in june next year, but we are starting TTC on our next cycle, if we are lucky enough to get pregnant first cycle we will be 25 weeks at the wedding :)


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## Danilou1910

Marriage was never really that important to me, based on my own family. My parents have been together 30 years and never wed, but have 3 kids. I love my parents to pieces and couldn't of asked for a more loving couple as parents. We all have my dads surname and it's never bothered my mum 1 bit. And she always found it quite offensive when the school etc would send letters to mr and mrs when they clearly knew they weren't. Alot of my friends parents divorced before we even left school so I was a lucky one. 

But when I fell for my OH at 15, I just knew he was the one and gradually my opinion of wanting to marry changed but it wasn't for front. We commited in other ways like buying a house together when I was only 18 and he was 20. But 4 years ago he propossed but we planned a long engageent as we had other commitments financially and I was at uni. Then one day we sat down and talked and decided a child was more important to us so the planning started and we started TTC and fell in 1st cycle.

My LO is 2 and half and we are now newly weds WWT for number 2 next july. We were both born out of wedlock and it hasn't affected us. We are happy and love our LO more than words. So marriage isn't everything as I feel a child is far more comitting, but I guess I feel more solid as a unit, more secure and I guess all having same name, feels complete. And I fell in love with my hubby all over again. I love it :happydance:

I think it's down to personal preference and how you feel as a couple. Either way as long as you love each other it doesn't matter

Sorry for essay :blush:


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## KA92

i agree that a baby is a lifetime commitment with someone, with marriage (sorry to sound mean not intending) it can be finished (via divorice) but a baby is for life...you wouldnt be able to forget your ex husband/wife consdiering your child would be half them.

I dont have any plans to marry my OH within the next few years (im 17 lol) but i can see a future with him, and when i found out i was pregnant with Baby T we knew then wel end up together (even though times will be tough!) We act like a married couple, so the day the wedding comes itl just further emphasize that wer together.

So i agree that its entirely couples personal choice, but society doesn't "frown" upon children before marriage like it did ten or so years ago!


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## faille

Ever since I was little, I thought I'd be married before having a baby. But once you're actually in the situation, things can change..

To me, marriage is important because it's the closest me & OH can be as a family (iygwim?). But marriage can wait. We will get married one day and we're more of a married couple just engaged than a lot of married couples we know!! Seriously the only thing that differs us from Mr & Mrs is the bit of paper!

Violet has OH's surname as will the other if we have it before our wedding. We chose that as we knew at the time that we will be married one day (and now have the date booked!)

My brother and his partner aren't married (and don't have any plans to be) and the kids have both their surnames. They aren't any less of a family or couple by not being married and nobody I know thinks any less of them for it. 

I think children after marriage was always the norm because marriage actually used to mean something. Marriage has lost so much meaning these days (ie. take the celebrities who marry someone to be fashionable or something.. Or the drunk LA marriage that lasts 10days etc).


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## tasha41

I always wanted to do things in the "right order", college-wedding-baby

Well, I did like 1/2 college, baby... and haven't got the rest sorted out yet.

I wish I did things in the way I thought I'd do them (go to school and get a job then get married and get a house and have a baby).. but life doesn't always go according to plan I guess! Things would have been easier though.

I think it's fine to have a baby without being married, your relationship can still be strong, committed, etc.


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## Parkep

Me and my OH are not married and have a baby on the way and its the way we planned it, i dont think being married "makes you more of a family" to me i wanted a baby more than i wanted the white wedding, and when we do get married (planning on it) having my LO there will make it that more special. *edit* im sorry ladies i didnt know this was in WTT, :blush: sorry


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## cache28

I really enjoy reading everyone's posts on the topic of children out of wedlock. My current situation, I was married and ended up going through a divorce after a year because we went through marriage all for the wrong reasons, such as it was supposedly the "next" step and our parents were saying how "perfect" our lives would be together. We met in college, dated for 5 years and then got married, we were the happiest couple prior to getting married.

Long story short, we are no longer together and now I am with the guy that I should have been with for the past 10 years, my absolute best friend. Since middle school we have had each others backs, and have fought our feelings for each other because we went to different colleges and then moved to different states after college. Somehow we were brought back to each other and actually live in the same city now. To say the least, now we are expecting a baby! Timing couldn't me any worse, but I am at to a point now where my life hasn't gone as planned and maybe this is what God has planned for me... 
However, he thinks that we need to have everything go in order...Now I am in a place where I am so confused and frustrated. We have been there for each other for the past 10 years and have made it through the most challenging things in life and deaths in our families...Not sure what to do, so I would love to hear opinions.
I think the problem is that I have been married and I have realized that there doesn't need to be a specific order if you are truly happy with the person that you are with and that there is a strong committed relationship. Whereas he hasn't been married and thinks that the order to everything is so important. 
I hope to hear any suggestions or opinions!


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## chickenchaser

Being married first was right for us, but I don't have a problem with it the other way. If fact both my brother and sister had children before they were married.


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## chickenchaser

Parkep said:


> Me and my OH are not married and have a baby on the way and its the way we planned it, i dont think being married "makes you more of a family" to me i wanted a baby more than i wanted the white wedding, and when we do get married (planning on it) having my LO there will make it that more special. *edit* im sorry ladies i didnt know this was in WTT, :blush: sorry

Why are you sorry hun? You sound very happy, don't be sorry for that. Congratulations on my pregnancy :hugs:


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## tinkalink

cache28 said:


> I think the problem is that I have been married and I have realized that there doesn't need to be a specific order if you are truly happy with the person that you are with and that there is a strong committed relationship.

I have the same opinion as you. I got married at 20 as my boyfriend asked me and I felt that it was the natural next step. Needless to say I didn't feel passionately about him and within 3 years we were separated. 

Now I am with the most amazing man and we have been together for 4 and a half years and we are WTC next month. We are not married. He also has been married before and has 2 children. 

There is an awful lot of pressure to follow set steps in life, especially at my age of 27. I am constantly being asked when are you buying a house together, when are you getting engaged etc etc by other girls my age.

The reality is we both know that our relationship is just as valid as a marriage except we haven't had a party to announce it! That's not to say we wouldn't get married one day in the future :)


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## NaturalMomma

I don't think you need to be married before a baby. I have plenty of friends, and some family, that have been with their partners for many years (longer than many married folks) and have children together. Also I have friends/family who are in relationships with same-sex partners and marriage for them is illegal here, some of them have kids (either by sperm donation or adoption).


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## thestarsfall

I would rather get married first, but only because of family pressures and stigma if there is a child out of wedlock. However, I also feel that there is often too much pressure on people to get married if they get pregnant because it's "the right thing to do." I think that's bullshit. It is obviously not the case that raising children properly needs both a mom and a dad, so that isn't needed (preferred 2 parents, sure...but hell preferred is more like a giant net of support people who all love and care for the kid). I had this as an argument once with some more fundamentalist friends where the couple had broken up and then found out girl was pregnant and my friend was like "well he should man up and marry her" and I was like "they broke up for other reasons, a kid won't make the marriage suddenly a good idea if they already were having enough problems that they broke up"

strangely enough they are actually married now, but that was a year or so after the kid was born.


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## BumbleBeeMom

Im not for having children before merriage. I dont think there's a real commitment. I think first a man must commit to you and then you can see if he will be committed to a child. I think a man that can't commit to you is not going to commit to a child... Children are a blessing and we have the responsibility to try our best as adults to give them the best and make an environment were they can come into this world and flourish and find love first hand from two people who are commited and wiling to teach them the commitment that this world is lacking.:hugs:


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## comotion89

personally for me I need to be married before we have kids which fits in to our plans anyway as we're getting married in 2, 3 years so I think it's personal preference I know my mates and siblings have children without being married and it works for them


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## Quackquack99

^ I found it difficult to commit to my oh but strange enough I'm still committed to our baby. 
I should explain further, I have witnessed the worst forced marriages and in turn I felt absolutely petrified. I was determined to find love, with or without marriage. On the other hand my oh would marry me in a second. It is myself with the issue but that issue is getting fixed because I am now engaged to my oh.
I honestly don't think marriage would make us anymore of a family. I know our relationship will stay the same regardless. Marriage would not make me feel anymore secure.


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## Mommy_RN

DH and I had a 2 year engagement but our LO decided to make an appearance in the middle of it! It was actually my mistake...I thought I had ovulated already so he didn't pull out. Best accident in my life :haha:

We decided to move the wedding up one year and we got married when I was 6 months pregnant. DH and I both believe that children should be brought up in a marriage and not through "single" parents. In both our families, children that have been brought up out of wedlock are considered "*******" children. Harsh, I know, but we both come from very traditional families.


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## lozzy21

OH and I have been together for nearly 6 years, we have a 16 month old child who was a surprise and have been engaged for 4 days. If you are in a loving and stable relationship it won't matter what happens first. Getting married for the wrong reasons will cause resentment and make any cracks bigger. You should want to get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with them and want to declare your love to each other in a lasting and binding way. 

Getting married so you can have a baby is not the right reason to get married. It might be different in different countries and cultures but there is no stigma where I live. People see OH and I walking down the street with LO and nobody looks twice. Hell my grandad is a priest and doesent care aslong as I am happy, he has seen far too many people get married for the wrong reasons and end up divorced. 

If anyone ever dared to refer or even hint about my child being a b*****d there would be some names called back and they would no longer be considered me family. 

Love makes a family not marriage.


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## iow_bird

I love being married, we lived together for over 2 years before our wedding and I didn['t think I'd feel differently once we were married. But I did :) and so did OH. It's a lovely feeling to know you have promised to be with that one person for the rest of your life, and vice versa. 

I'm really pleased that we were married before we had kids :) it was the "right" thing for our family. 

You have to decide what will work out best for you and your family.


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## helena

i chose to have my son before we got married. a year before. but i do kind of wish we had been married, i wish we had always shared the same name etc, and it would have made paper work easier!!! ultimately it is only a peice of paper tho, and i knew i would be with the daddy for ever and we wanted a baby more than the expense of a wedding.... i suppsoe that is what is important, the solidity of your relationship. we had been together already for 8 years or more. we were solid. we were already a family unit.

i wouldnt want to be pregnant at my wedding, i wanted bubbly!!


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## Jary

It's definately personal choice. We do want to be married eventually, but I doubt it'll be within the next year. We feel ready (well by September) to start a family because we are settled and happy with each other. I've always said to my partner that I feel married to him anyway. Some people choose to marry before hand and some don't. It's by a bad thing either way as long as you love each other and both feel ready to be parents :)


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## Pearls18

Marriage for me personally is important before TTC (notice I say for TTC not having a baby if this makes sense) I would never TTC before marriage because I believe marriage is an integral part of a strong family unit (this is personal for us, I am not saying marriage makes every family stronger) marriage shows you are 100% committed to each other, some people may feel they achieve this in other ways but for me marriage was the way of demonstrating this. We fell pregnant unplanned the year we were to start planning our wedding, I did not feel the need to bring our wedding forward but I was sad to have a child before marriage and hated having my maiden name on his certificate (which has been rectified now :)) I don't think people should marry just because they are pregnant, unless they are committed to one another and what marriage means. I believe marriage and children are two seperate things of which neither should be taken lightly, but just because you do one doesn't mean you should do the other. I believe the natural order of things is to marry then have children because having children is the bigger decision, but sometimes it is stronger for the relationship and family unit to do it the other way around so not to rush into things and the possibility of the relationship failing.


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## MoldyVoldy

My husband and i got married in the courthouse a month after our son was born. We were going to wait but we realized we wanted to all share the same last name and "really" be a family.

That being said, i always say "its 2012"...

Getting married for us is a lifelong commitment. If someone thinks they can just get a divorce and be done with it then i dont think they should be married. Imo marriage is supposed to be a safe place for not only the couple but the children involved.

Again...just my opinions and thoughts this morning. Mmmmmm...coffee.


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## Mrs Eleflump

It was really important for me and my husband to be married before children. If we had had a surprise pregnancy, we'd have got married before the birth. This was just the way we wanted to do it. One factor (but no way the only factor!) was that my mother is REALLY traditional, and I got endless aggravation for living with hubby before we married, so we did everything we could (bar abstinence :dohh:) to prevent a baby coming along before we were married. 

For us there was no religious element, we're both Humanist, we just wanted to make that commitment to each other while it was only the two of us. For us, divorce is out of the question, we are in this marriage for life, and that lifelong commitment to each other was vital for both of us before we could think about bringing another person into our family. I don't think in any way that being married will make us better parents than if we weren't married...but being married was something we needed to do for us :)

I don't care what anyone else does, I have friends and family who are in so many different combinations and permutations of families, it just shows there is no one 'right' way to do it (though there are definitely 'wrong' ways, IMO, for example misleading/deceiving someone into conceiving a baby solely for money, as happened to someone in my family). 

I have seen friends and family who got married before kids then divorced a few years after, I have friends who have never married and who have a gaggle of littlies, and who are the happiest families ever. Some of the unmarried parents I know had 'surprises', some planned their babies. I have to say though that most (but not all) of my unmarried friends and relatives who have children do intend to get married to their child(ren)'s other parent.

Similarly, I know people who did it the traditional way, who are very happy and have stayed together and raised their kids (e.g. my parents), and some unmarried couples whose relationship fell to bits after they had a baby.

Personally I have had so much trouble from family about the choices I have made re living with hubby before marriage, I am the last person who will be telling anyone else what they should and shouldn't do! What I've said above is just what applies to me and my husband, and our own views on marriage and children.

As far as 'living in sin' goes, like I say I'm not religious, and I think that what happens or doesn't happen in private between two consenting adults, providing it doesn't harm anyone else (e.g. neither is having an affair etc) is nobody's business but those two adults. People who get interested in what other people do in the bedroom need to either get out more or spend more time in their own bedrooms :haha:

I agree with what PPs have said about the environment you raise your children in. If you're married and miserable, your children are not going to have a better upbringing than if you're unmarried and happy. Everyone's circumstances are different, and everyone has to find what way best works for them.


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## I Love Lucy

For me personally, I don't believe marriage means a relationship is good. My older cousin, for example, is married and has been TTC. Yet, she has left her husband twice with the intent of getting divorced during which this time her husband stalked her forcing her to quit her job and move. But they got back together even after all that craziness and are still TTC. So I really don't think being married means you should have a baby or TTC. I think it's more important to have a happy and stable relationship and the means to support a child and I think that can definitely happen for couples before marriage.

For me personally, I used to always think I'd be married before TTC but I don't think it's going to happen that way. OH and I had planned to get married last August but it didn't work out (two other weddings happening the week we we're planning). We have decided that when we get married we just want to elope when it works for us and TTC when it's right for us whether that happens before or after marriage.


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## MrsGruffalo

For us, baby wasn't going to arrive before we got married unless there was some divine intervention.

As a Catholic, I personally don't believe in sex outside of marriage, so we waited till we were married to sleep together (and live together). 

I know marriage is not a guarantee (both my parents and my DH's parents are divorced), but personally I wouldn't commit to bringing a baby into the world with someone who wasn't prepared to fully, wholeheartedly commit to me first. 

I'm so glad we waited. Our wedding night was so special, and although it took a while to adjust to living together, we wouldn't have done it any other way.


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## vikster

For us, it was never an option to have a baby before being married and we would have never ttc through choice before being married. Having said that, if we would have got pregnant before the wedding by accident then it wouldn't have been an issue and we probably wouldn't have rushed the wedding forward because of it. As it happened though we didn't have any accidents and are waiting to conceive baby number one. Having the same surname as my child is important to me and I am glad that we were able to have our dream wedding and honeymoon plus move to a big family home because we wouldn't have been able to do so with a child to pay for. For us, we have done things the right way but just because it is right for us doesn't mean that it is right for everyone. It doesn't bother me if people have children before being married and plenty of my friends have. My motto is to do what is right for you, your relationship, your circumstances and not what is right for others or in others eyes. All personal at the end of the day xx


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## teacup

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a family out of wedlock. Lots of my friends have and if that works for them then that's fine. It's not a taboo at all, it's just a matter of preference. I always wanted to get married before having children though because if your partner has asked you to stay with him forever then that's a sure sign that he is committed to you. To have the same surname, and to finally say 'my husband' rather than 'my partner' means a lot to me as well. It just seems more official, and to get married is a moment you can spend together celebrating your relationship before deciding to start a family. It's not 'just a piece of paper' at all - it is a promise to one another that you will love each other forever, it's a public celebration infront of all your family and friends to say 'we are a couple and will be a couple forever'. I know that having a child is a much bigger step, which is exactly why the logical idea for me is to show commitment to eachother first before taking that next giant step. Any guy can 'sow a seed' but to marry you really shows their love and dedication to you as a person. Also I wouldn't want my children to have a different surname from me.


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## Pearls18

teacup said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with having a family out of wedlock. Lots of my friends have and if that works for them then that's fine. It's not a taboo at all, it's just a matter of preference. I always wanted to get married before having children though because if your partner has asked you to stay with him forever then that's a sure sign that he is committed to you. To have the same surname, and to finally say 'my husband' rather than 'my partner' means a lot to me as well. It just seems more official, and to get married is a moment you can spend together celebrating your relationship before deciding to start a family. It's not 'just a piece of paper' at all - it is a promise to one another that you will love each other forever, it's a public celebration infront of all your family and friends to say 'we are a couple and will be a couple forever'. I know that having a child is a much bigger step, which is exactly why the logical idea for me is to show commitment to eachother first before taking that next giant step. Any guy can 'sow a seed' but to marry you really shows their love and dedication to you as a person. Also I wouldn't want my children to have a different surname from me.

I totally agree with you, marriage never is and never will be just a piece of paper, anyone who thinks that isn't giving the institution of marriage the respect it deserves, no one should enter it thinking 'I can get divorced', if it was such a flippant matter for everyone homosexuals wouldn't be fighting so hard for the right to get married also.


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## mrspeanut

I knew my (now) husband was 100% committed to me before we got married because I trust him implicitly. I would never have considered having a child with a man I thought would walk away/I would walk away from. We had a planned baby before we got married simply because we couldn't afford to get married at that time - we had spent all our savings on buying a house together. As we were late 20s we were keen not to have to wait what could have been years. We got lucky though and dh's parents decided to pay half of what it cost for the wedding so we got wed 8 months after Henry was born. I love being married now and I'm glad we made that promise to each other in front of the eyes of God and our family it but we knew what we were doing when we had a child out of wedlock and did everything we could to provide a stable and loving family home for him. Being married, unfortunately doesn't make a relationship more valid or secure these days. I think the most important thing when deciding to have children is honestly, faithfulness and commitment to each other and your family; the factors that underpin marriage not necessarily being married itself. This is just my personal opinion :)


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## Quackquack99

mrspeanut said:


> I knew my (now) husband was 100% committed to me before we got married because I trust him implicitly. I would never have considered having a child with a man I thought would walk away/I would walk away from. We had a planned baby before we got married simply because we couldn't afford to get married at that time - we had spent all our savings on buying a house together. As we were late 20s we were keen not to have to wait what could have been years. We got lucky though and dh's parents decided to pay half of what it cost for the wedding so we got wed 8 months after Henry was born. I love being married now and I'm glad we made that promise to each other in front of the eyes of God and our family it but we knew what we were doing when we had a child out of wedlock and did everything we could to provide a stable and loving family home for him. Being married, unfortunately doesn't make a relationship more valid or secure these days. I think the most important thing when deciding to have children is honestly, faithfulness and commitment to each other and your family; the factors that underpin marriage not necessarily being married itself. This is just my personal opinion :)

You have just wrote this perfectly. I agree with this x


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## ltrip84

Bump! I found this when I googled "planning pregnancy before marriage". My OH and I have been together for almost 3 years and TTC for a year and a half. I am finally pregnant and now my family EXPECTS us to get married. It seems like now they automatically think that my OH is gonna leave or something. It's like he has to prove something to them. We do want to get married, I just don't know when. We did know, however, that we wanted a child very badly. We are just as committed to each other as we would be as a married couple, so why get married just because we want a baby or are having a baby right now? Just to make everyone else feel better?

It's really a shame that people can't be happy for us just because we don't have a piece of paper at the moment when we are happy, stable, and committed, versus some people having kids in horrible marriages!


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## wombat1

Hi ltrip84, sorry your family is being that way. With divorce available nowadays it's not like marriage means 100% that people will stay together forever anyway. If your other half was going to run away he'd do it with or without being married which your family should realise! Don't feel pushed into marriage until you both want it, it would be a shame to have to rush it when you could make it a more beautiful day later on in your own time. My partner and I live together and will be trying for a baby next year, but we are not married and wont be by the time we have kids (if all goes to plan) simply because both of us are too lazy to organise a wedding.. We live far away from our families so it might be hard to co-ordinate everyone and they all have jobs etc. I am happy to just rock up to a registry office with him, but his mum and sister would be upset if they weren't invited, and if they are invited my family have to come... One day we will marry, probably when we are closer to family so it is easier to organise but as we are going to be spending our lives together there is no rush! :flower:


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## dre

To me, marriage was never high on the list of things I need in a relationship. At this point in time I would be happy never getting married. 

My parents were never married and they separated when I was two years old. My father had custody so I saw my mother every other weekend until I could drive, Then it was when ever I felt like it. She was engaged once but never married.
my father married a lady and she was the classic "gold digger" unfortunately for her my Dad had no money lol. She moved out a year later and they were divorced. all of these events could be the reason why I am not to keen on marriage. Maybe if I had grown up with two married parents I would "want" it more. I feel like where I grew up people just throw rings around and abuse the whole constitution of marriage. If my boyfriend wants to marry me then I would be more that happy to do it if it made him happy, But I don't need a ring on my finger to know he loves me and is dedicated to me. 
Right now anyways........ ;)

But I do want children. Its more like a need. And my boyfriend knows that. We will be having children before we get married. As much as his mother hated that fact. (we are currently living in sin) ha ha I do love his mother though. She is an amazing woman.


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## Jary

It's definitely a personal choice but I don't think there's anything wrong with being a parent before marriage. After all my oh and I are now parents and engaged and although we would love to be married we simply can't afford it but wanted to be parents sooner rather than later.

I have posted on here before but forget what I said! 

I did fall pregnant before he proposed but it was the way it worked out; we wanted to go on holiday since we were trying for a baby and thought it best so we could enjoy a couply time before we became parents. Anywho, turned out it was the moment OH had been waiting for and proposed in Central Park :)

I do sometimes want to just run down to the registry office and marry the love of my life but I know I'd wish we'd had a nice ceremony with friends and family lol.

In a way we already feel married. We just don't have that piece of paper to say we are!

At the end of the day, if you both love each other, work as a team and love your children, it makes no difference but its nice to do eventually I reckon :)


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## Lirpa11

It's not about growing up in a two parent home that makes you want marriage, my mom had several husbands, and boyfriends while I grew up. She was often a single mom as well,so you'd think I wouldn't care for the whole relationship thing. I have been married just over a year and half and would not have had a child before being married. If there was an accident I would have said either commit, or don't bother with me and the baby. Thankfully we ensured that never happened.

I grew up ne'er knowing who my father was, I've never met him, and don't even know his name. I have the last name of my brother's dad, who I have never met either. On my birth certificate under father, it says unknown.

I didn't want that for our baby. I want to have the same last name as our baby, and I want it to know both parents. Having a different name always makes me think of step parents and broken marriages. I know that's not the case many times, but its still what I think about. If we were not married and had a baby, I would have the baby's last name match mine until the father wanted us both....

It's more than just a piece of paper to me.


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## Hollynesss

Lirpa11 said:


> It's not about growing up in a two parent home that makes you want marriage, my mom had several husbands, and boyfriends while I grew up. She was often a single mom as well,so you'd think I wouldn't care for the whole relationship thing. I have been married just over a year and half and would not have had a child before being married. If there was an accident I would have said either commit, or don't bother with me and the baby. Thankfully we ensured that never happened.
> 
> I grew up ne'er knowing who my father was, I've never met him, and don't even know his name. I have the last name of my brother's dad, who I have never met either. On my birth certificate under father, it says unknown.
> 
> I didn't want that for our baby. I want to have the same last name as our baby, and I want it to know both parents. Having a different name always makes me think of step parents and broken marriages. I know that's not the case many times, but its still what I think about. If we were not married and had a baby, I would have the baby's last name match mine until the father wanted us both....
> 
> It's more than just a piece of paper to me.

Our stories are kind of similar! I don't want to get into the details, but my husband and I both come from very broken homes, and it was because of this that marriage before kids was very important to us. We don't want our kids to ever have to experience what either of us went through, and the solution that worked for us was marriage first, then children, and the promise to never keep the kids from one another should anything happen and we separate. 

That being said, I don't ever judge anyone else who does things differently. Everyone's life is different, everyone's circumstances are different. Some of the most wonderful people I know were born out of wedlock and they are happy, well adjusted adults. Likewise some of the most unhappy people I know are from married two-parent homes. I am a firm advocate of "life is what you make it," and children can grow up to build amazing lives for themselves regardless of their parents marital status.


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## tverb84

My cousin and his wife had two children together before getting married four years ago.I don't see the big deal about having children before getting married.


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## SoBroody91

I would really like to get married, but as a lot of people have said, we can't afford to do both. 
But with regards to the surname thing, if I found out I was pregnant and OH hadn't already proposed, I would legally change my surname.


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## spicyorange

personally i wouldnt have considered a baby before we were married - that said if it had happened by accident we wouldnt have rushed a wedding jsut for the sake of it. thats becasue of my religious beliefs but i dont htink thats the norm - i live in the UK, it might be differnet where you are but here loads of people have kids without being married - some never get married even after. both are a big commitment to eaach other and as long as you are prepared for that and are both happy with the decision do it but dont rush the baby - there is time, if you want the wedding first have it - weddings dont have to cost £10,000s - you can always have a simple service and renew your vows with a bigger do in a few years. do what feels right for you and your family. But i strongly disagree with those who say a baby is a bigger commitmetn than marriage - both should be for life - and ideally hand-in-hand


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## detterose

OH and I are not married, nor are we engaged. I am not huge on the whole wedding thing. Maybe a small thing when we are eventually engaged but I am just not phased by it all. I love my OH and at the end of the day, thats all that matters to me.


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## MissN8

its everyone own decision do whats right for you


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## Hollynesss

Its kind of dismissive to proclaim that its "Just a piece of paper." You're completely disregarding how much it means to a lot people by trivializing marriage as a social stigma rather than a solid, special commitment. Yes, it is a legal bond, but it is so much more than that. I am a newlywed, and I can tell you things feel different after you are married. You feel more solidly connected to one another. Your lives are intertwined in a way that they just aren't when you're boyfriend/girlfriend. Sex is even different, in a good way! It may seem old fashioned, but it really is something meaningful and special to be able to stand in front of those you love most and even have it legally recognized that you vow to love and honor one another for the rest of your lives. 

I am well aware that it doesn't always play out perfectly and I completely respect the opinions of those who think marriage is antiquated and unnecessary, but what I always wondered is if you're willing to bind yourself to someone forever through giving half of your DNA to a baby that will connect you forever in a way that you will never be able to get out of, why is the idea of binding yourself to the father through marriage (something that can be gotten out of if need be) so unimportant and frivolous? 

I mean no judgement or offense at all, I am genuinely curious how others feel about it!


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## Firefly Skies

It's up to everyone else. It's their life, their family, and whatever works for them works for them.

I personally wanted marriage to come before baby for several reasons, a majority of them being the legal protection and benefits marriage offers. I love DH to pieces with or without the license, but with the license we are afforded so many privileges that we wouldn't have without it.

I have health insurance now, because his insurance does not recognize domestic partners. Despite being his significant other, and living together for 4 years, I got nada until we got married. Now, I'm covered under his insurance, and I don't have to worry about a trip to the doctor being the end of the world. I also don't have to worry about DH not being able to see me if I was in the hospital for some reason, because he's my husband.

Even though we took each other and our relationship seriously as boyfriend and girlfriend, I realized that other people/institutions didn't. It was always a struggle to do anything on each other's behalf, because in the eyes of many institutions, if you're not married you're single. Would we have faced any problems? I don't know, but I do know that it's significantly easier to do certain things after getting married. Now I just refer to myself as "the wife", and I am taken seriously and not treated like a stranger off the street who happens to know DH's name and info.


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## RainbowDrop_x

Marriage before children isn't something I was concerned about.

Me & DH had DD before we got married and that's fine by me. I understand that some people prefer to be married before having children but for me it's not the be all and end all.I would be no different as a parent just because my title was Mrs. 

Me & DH did get married last year, but not because we're parents. We got married because we love each other and want to spend our lives together, not because we feel we'd be better parents because of it.


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## Amalee

MissN8 said:


> as long as you are in a solid relationship I don't see why you have to be married first, its so old fashioned and only a piece of paper. people rush into marriage these days and society puts pressure on people. I think as long as you both want to have a family and can provide for your child then it is not that important. Why do you need a piece of paper to prove you both love each other and are committed? a baby just needs love and a mother and father that cares and will do anything for them marriage does not come into it.

I can understand why some people think this, but for me, it was important to be married first. It's not because I think that the day before and the day after a wedding indicate that your relationship has changed, or that someone can't be committed without being married, but I knew that marriage was something that I wanted. Here are some reasons that marriage is important to me:

1. Simply some practical reasons, it's easier to do everything together. It's easier to buy a house, it's easier to make medical decisions together should one of you have a medical emergency, it's easier to make calls and get information for the other person if you can say "I'm calling for my husband" instead of "I'm calling for my boyfriend."
2. It shows that both are you are fully committed. Yes, there are many of ways that partners can show their commitment, and this is just one of those many ways. However, I personally believe that if you have mature and honest adults, going into a legal agreement where you both promise to spend your lives together as partners is a huge deal. 
3. It shows that you are ready to build a life together. Again, there are many ways to show that, and some people get married without being ready to build a life together. But for my husband and I, we knew we wanted to get married very early in our relationship, but we didn't just want to get married because we were in love - we wanted to get married because we were in love and ready for all the components that we believe come with a marriage. We did not want to have a wedding and start a marriage before we had the finances and emotional security to start building a life together independent from our respective families.
4. I genuinely like the idea of making promises to each other about our future in front of the people we love. We had a different kind of ceremony, my sister performed it and we wrote our own vows/promises, then invited guests to speak if they would like. It was a Quaker style ceremony. It was very special to us, and we loved that we were able to tailor our vows to specifically make the promises that were important to each other. I did not promise to honor and obey, but I promised that we would do our best to raise happy children together who would know how much they are loved, and that I would make him breakfast on his birthday for years to come. 

Okay, this is ending up way longer than I expected. But those are some of the reasons that I believe in the institution of marriage, at least in the way that my husband and I interpret the meaning of it for our relationship. Now, my thinking for why I would not have wanted to have children before marriage is that having a child is an even bigger commitment than marriage. Marriage is between two people, but the decision to have children brings in more people. When two people decide to have a child together, they are bound for life. I can't imagine being bound to someone like that without being ready for marriage. If something was amiss and for whatever reason, I wasn't ready yet to marry them, there's no way I would be willing to take the even BIGGER step with them of having children. 

Granted, I know everyone does not feel the same way that I do with regard to the relationship you need to have with someone to get married, or to have kids, but that's just the way I have felt about the idea of children, marriage, and partners. :)


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