13 yr old self harming

[Ecologirl]

Hi, I don't know if anyone's experienced this with their kids here, but thought it was worth a try to get some advice. I discovered over the weekend that my 13 yr old DD is self harming. Her left arm is all cut up. Cuts going both ways, there must be 20-30 of them. It must've only happened in the last week or week and a half because I'm sure I would've noticed before that. It just happened that she went to pass me something and I saw the marks and questioned her. She said she'd done it falling over in the bush on our property, but I wasn't convinced. I didn't make a big deal over it as we had guests here, but I asked her to show me again the next day and got the truth out if her. She said she did it/does it when I get mad at her.

Ok so to set the scene a bit more for you, I'm married to DH (not her Dad). We have one DS together and another due in 5 weeks. I was a single parent to DD for 8.5 years. I'll be the first one to admit I am a strict parent. When I was raising her by myself it was the only way I knew how to cope. I didn't have time to have my child mucking around and misbehaving as I worked and went to Uni and got a degree whilst raising her. In my defence though I am not a tyrant. I am not abusive to her. I yell when I need to as does every parent. I don't hit her. Getting back to raising my voice though, I only do it when I need to. In the last year or two DD has abused our trust and we've had to confiscate things like iPod.

I know she sees her brother being treated differently. He still gets in trouble though if he does something wrong, but he only turned 3 last week. She has a very bad relationship with her biological dad. He shows no interest in her really and always let's her down. Doesn't support her financially even. He was abusive to me. I realise that things he's done to me still affect me now. I was talking to my DH about this as we're trying to work out what to do. I used to show my DD a lot more love and affection when she was younger. I think this started to decrease when she was about 8 yrs old. It sounds awful, but I don't say I love you to her anymore. (You're probably thinking I am awful now and I agree. I feel like the worst parent in the world right now). I know it's no excuse but her dad used to make me say it to him. I'd get in trouble if I didn't. I don't say it unless I mean it and I just resent being made to say it. He used to make her say it to him too. I think she expected that that's what you did. Even if you'd been a little poo that day, that you could just say that. It's awful, I sound so immature over this. My parents never told me they loved me until the day I got married and I had to say it first.

I could probably start to fix things if I told her I loved her, if I was more affectionate and approachable. I just don't know how. I'm so emotionally and physically tired at the moment at 35 weeks pregnant. I've cried pretty much non stop for the last 3 days over this, she seems fine. I wonder whether it is all my fault but then I think it has to be.

I've got an appt booked for her after school tonight with a GP. Am hoping they can refer us to a psychologist. I don't know how to fix this one my own.

Anyway feel free to lash out and tell me what you really think. I need your honesty. I don't want to sound self pitying, but I don't feel like a good parent at all right now. I feel like they'd all be better off without me. The only one I can't leave is my 3 yr old. The new baby though, I feel nothing so far. Anyway I suppose that's another topic.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry it's such a long post, xx

 

[diva2010]

Didn't want to read and run! Your daughter's life sounds quite similar to how mine was at 13 and I used to self harm too. Just little cuts on my arms and legs when I was angry and frustrated and thank god I didn't do it deep enough to leave scars. My mum raised me as a single parent and married my step dad when I was 9. I took a while to warm to him and at 13 I still pretty much hated him! I was jealous that he was taking my mums attention. My dad was around, but would constantly cancel plans with me. He too was abusive towards my mum which I probably had some built up anger about too. All that mixed with teenage hormones = me getting really angry and either punching myself or cutting myself with a scalpol from biology!!
I'm happy to say this was just a phase for me and I hope it is for your daughter too. I have to be honest I put my mum through hell from around 13 to 15, but then I calmed down alot. I was very very jealous of my step dad and I think this had alot to do with things. I now have a great relationship with them both! And I put my behaviour down to the teenage hormones!!
I don't know if this helps at all, but wanted to share !

 

[Ecologirl]

Thankyou. I've posted the same in third trimester as that's where I am. Have responded to the ladies there too. Some of them self-harmed too. I really do appreciate your insight. I'm sorry things were so tough for you. You are very right though, she needs my attention and I need to show her I love her. Thankyou, xx

 

[hopeandpray]

It's never too late to start saying I love you. My mum stopped when I was a similar age and it really affected my relationship with her. I was very upset about it and she only started back after I became depressed to the point that I didn't want to live. It might be hard to change things now but she has to be your priority. She probably feels like she isn't loveable. You need to apologise to her and tell her you were long for not showing how much you cared and that you did care all along. I'm not suggesting that you ever made her feel bad on purpose but now that you realize you need to change things. I hope this isn't too harsh. This went on with my mum and I for years and I would loved to have sorted it sooner. I genuinely thought she didn't like me at all and it caused me to act badly towards her. Teens may seem like they don't want to hear it or don't need affection but they probably need more than younger children! Hope it all goes well It did with me and although our personalities clash we are much closer now and I have no resentment toward her.

 

[BethK]

I didn't self harm but my mother never said i love you either, never even a hug.

It really affected me and still does, i'm 34!

I try every day to love my mum unconditionally but this put a HUGE spanner in our relationship and even now i just can't forgive her.

For this reason I will NEVER do that to my DD.

Please, if you take your DD to see a psychologist PLEASE make sure you see one too, at least she will know you acknowledge your part in all this. My mum never has and that makes it a million times worse.

 

[alicecooper]

ohhh I don't know what to say really (but I'm gonna try anyway lol).

My DH and his mother stopped telling each other that they love each other when DH's dad had a serious car accident when DH was 14 (he died of his injuries 4 years later).

To me, that's just bizarre.

My parents tell me that they love me, and vice versa, and have done all my life. I can't end a phone call to my mam without telling her I love her, and I can't end a facebook conversation with my dad without telling him I love him, and that's despite the fact that I grew up without my dad in my life (I only saw him ONCE from the age of 11 to 17).

I just can't imagine not loving my parents, and I can't imagine not loving my kids, and if you love somebody then why not tell them?

I know you don't need a lecture about this, you know yourself that it would be better for you to show some affection to your daughter. I really do think though from all you have said that your daughter probably feels as though her mum doesn't love her. If we look at everything you've said :
a) you treat her brother differently to her
b) you don't tell her you love her
c) you're very authoritarian at her

I mean, put yourself in the position of a 13 year old girl in the above situation, how would you feel?

I'm not trying to be mean here but I do think something needs to change within the dynamic of your home. Your daughter self-harming is definitely alarm-bell time.

I think you could all do with some professional help, maybe a family psychologist or something. I do mean all of you by the way, your DH as well. It needs to be a family effort to change the way things are.

It's not too late to change things around and show your DD the attention she is obviously craving. I really hope things work out for you all. Good luck x

 

[Ecologirl]

You are right. Well we're going in the right direction I think. She's had a couple of counselling sessions by herself and I've got her in to see a phsyvhologist. I am willing to join sessions later on or speak to psychologist too, but for me right now I'm in an out of hospital with fetal monitoring and scans so just trying to concentrate on getting this baby born healthy first. Not an excuse, just I'm doing all I can right now.

 

[lunamoona]

You are right. Well we're going in the right direction I think. She's had a couple of counselling sessions by herself and I've got her in to see a phsyvhologist. I am willing to join sessions later on or speak to psychologist too, but for me right now I'm in an out of hospital with fetal monitoring and scans so just trying to concentrate on getting this baby born healthy first. Not an excuse, just I'm doing all I can right now.

It's great that you have acknowledged that there is a problem and counselling may help her but it also implys that the problem is just with her.

I was a self harmer due to not being the favourite child by a long shot. My brother was sent to private school due to 'boys needing an education', I was dragged round the country from school to school with my fathers job moving. I missed months of school waiting for places to become available, never asked about homework, exams etc.

My brother came home for weekends and always had lots of treats bought for him that I was not allowed to touch, I had chores, he did not.

The final insult was the rule that I had to be in my bedroom by 8.30 each night so the rest of them could have quality time together as a family, even when I was 17.

I also was never told that I was loved, ever. The first time my mother ever hugged me was the first time I went home after leaving at 18, it felt repulsive to me as that was only something I had had from boyfriends.

When my mother noticed my self harming I was told in no certain terms that I could do what I wanted once I was no longer her legal responsibility but whilst she could get into trouble for it I wasn't to do it.

I hated my life, used to wish I was brave enough to make those cuts just a bit deeper. Your daughters reasons are her own but for me I did it because I felt so rejected and unloved that I just felt totally numb, it was the only thing I could feel, the only thing that made me alive.

You seem to have no problem telling us why you have issues reaching out to your daughter so maybe you could write it all on paper and give it to her as a letter, at 13 she is old enough to understand that you have issues too.

It's probably come at a bad time for you this late in your pregnancy and with the extra monitoring but you need to spend quality time with just you and her so you can reconnect. Can you go watch a movie together, get your nails done together, just have a set time together each week that you can stick to. It will take you being consistant for the trust to come back but it is all within your grasp.

I'm sorry if I come across as bitter but the truth is I am, even at 43 I am carrying around the baggage I was given as a child, my mother never tried to fix things and seems quite bewildered that we are not close now. You care enough to try and make some changes and I really hope it works out for you

 

[Ecologirl]

You are right. Well we're going in the right direction I think. She's had a couple of counselling sessions by herself and I've got her in to see a phsyvhologist. I am willing to join sessions later on or speak to psychologist too, but for me right now I'm in an out of hospital with fetal monitoring and scans so just trying to concentrate on getting this baby born healthy first. Not an excuse, just I'm doing all I can right now.

It's great that you have acknowledged that there is a problem and counselling may help her but it also implys that the problem is just with her.

I was a self harmer due to not being the favourite child by a long shot. My brother was sent to private school due to 'boys needing an education', I was dragged round the country from school to school with my fathers job moving. I missed months of school waiting for places to become available, never asked about homework, exams etc.

My brother came home for weekends and always had lots of treats bought for him that I was not allowed to touch, I had chores, he did not.

The final insult was the rule that I had to be in my bedroom by 8.30 each night so the rest of them could have quality time together as a family, even when I was 17.

I also was never told that I was loved, ever. The first time my mother ever hugged me was the first time I went home after leaving at 18, it felt repulsive to me as that was only something I had had from boyfriends.

When my mother noticed my self harming I was told in no certain terms that I could do what I wanted once I was no longer her legal responsibility but whilst she could get into trouble for it I wasn't to do it.

I hated my life, used to wish I was brave enough to make those cuts just a bit deeper. Your daughters reasons are her own but for me I did it because I felt so rejected and unloved that I just felt totally numb, it was the only thing I could feel, the only thing that made me alive.

You seem to have no problem telling us why you have issues reaching out to your daughter so maybe you could write it all on paper and give it to her as a letter, at 13 she is old enough to understand that you have issues too.

It's probably come at a bad time for you this late in your pregnancy and with the extra monitoring but you need to spend quality time with just you and her so you can reconnect. Can you go watch a movie together, get your nails done together, just have a set time together each week that you can stick to. It will take you being consistant for the trust to come back but it is all within your grasp.

I'm sorry if I come across as bitter but the truth is I am, even at 43 I am carrying around the baggage I was given as a child, my mother never tried to fix things and seems quite bewildered that we are not close now. You care enough to try and make some changes and I really hope it works out for you

I'm so sorry you went through and are still going through all of that. It does sound devastating and I couldn't imagine treating any of my children like that. I don't blame you for being bitter either, I don't know if that's even forgive able.

Where we're at at the moment is, I've just had the baby last week. We have sessions booked with a psychologist from 17th on. The first appt is just me. My DD seems happier lately. I'm not going to let it lie though.

Thanks for sharing your experience, and again I'm really sorry you've had to go through that, xx

 

[lunamoona]

Congratulations on your new addition

I'm glad you will go to counselling too, I think it will really help. I'm sure you will all be back on track before you know it.

Re-reading my post after it did sound kind of bitter, sorry about that, things that are kept bottled up do tend to tumble out that way sometimes. I don't live my everyday life in bitterness and the experience has really taught me to cherish every moment with my little man, I tell him constantly how much I love him and we kiss all the time, OH's family laugh at us and say how soppy we are together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

All the best

 

[Eternal]

Set goals to tell her you love her once a day, and teach her you can be angry at something she has dine but still love her. Children need security and unconditional love from their parents.

I think it's important that you take more interest in her life, I realise that is hard with a toddler and a new baby but you need to try and plan a mother daughter date, plan it once a month and she can choose I.e shopping, movies etc.

She needs you just as much as your younger children just in different ways.

Congrats on the new addition. Good luck x

 

[lhancock90]

Self harm isn't something thats cured, so please, always be on the watch for warning signs (long sleeves, holding one arm etc)

I think your daughter is probably very bothered to see the relationship between you and your son is a different dynamic to the one you had with her, and with another baby on the way and her own Father not being brilliant, i think she probably feels like shes on the outside.

Try and get her involved with the new baby, make her realise she is just as important as anyone else.

And remember, 13 is a pretty hormonal age hun