16 week and no HB

[loubyb]

Hey ladies,
I went for a 16 week consultant appt today- feeling absolutely fine, she wanted to do an ultrasound and the HB wasn't there I'm struggling with this so much. I feel fine physically in my self no bleeding or pain- I just can't understand it, it feels so cruel.
I'm so confused about the burial/cremation options.
And naming the baby too, will I be able tell the sex of the baby after it's passed? They think it all happened about a week ago.
I go into hospital on mon for the pessary- I need to gather some strength because I feel so low that I don't think I can take it. If anyone has advice on what to expect at the hospital I would appreciate it.

Thanks

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

My baby's heart stopped beating at 14 weeks 1 day - you think you're safe in the second trimester only to become a horrible statistic.

When I was at the hospital a social worker went over the burial and cremation options with us.

It is your choice whether to see/hold Baby. We requested to but were then advised that Baby had started to decompose/liquify somewhat and they strongly didn't recommend it. You are a bit farther along than I was though, so hopefully you'll get to see Baby if you choose to.

They couldn't determine the sex of our baby because his bladder was severely enlarged, but we will find out after the preliminary autopsy. It they can determine the sex of your baby after delivery they will let you know so long as it is what you want.

Everyone was very kind and I had no physical pain whatsoever as I was given morphine. I was also given Ativan for anxiety.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby. ((Hugs)).

If you have any other questions let me know and I'll answer as best I can.

 

[loubyb]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'm so sorry for your loss, it just feels like it shouldn't happen, you pass 12 weeks and feel safe

I'm in the UK so it's the middle of the night here been up 3 hrs I just can't stop crying and being sick.

I feel like I have no idea how I will tell everyone- I don't even want to leave the house because I have a real bump and strangers had started asking me about baby

Xx

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

I would give anything for this to not have happened to us - it is absolutely gutwrenching.

Huge hugs to you - the day you find out is the worst by far (worst day of my life). I have been told by others who have been there that eventually it will get easier to cope with. I'm not all that far removed myself, but I do have some moments where things don't seem as bleak and I can imagine a future where I could be happy once again. It is definitely a process.

Grief counselling might help - DH and I plan on going to that. Don't be afraid to ask others for help, in whatever shape or form you need. And as hard as it is try to take care of yourself too - try to eat something and get some fresh air and exercise even though you won't feel like it. I forced myself to go for a run today and it made me feel more human than I have since this happened.

Let me know anytime you need to talk. I know what it is like to feel like you're the only one to lose your baby in the 2nd trimester when Baby is supposed to be "safe".

 

[loubyb]

Do you mind me asking how long ago it was?

Xx

 

[nessaw]

Hi firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost twins at 14 weeks a year ago and am also in the uk. I remember that scan and that feeling. We had to wait a few days over the weekend then went in on the mon to take pills orally to start it off then went back on the wed.We went onto the gynae ward and spent time with the bereavement midwife discussing burial/cremation and whether we wanted to see them. I started on vaginal tablets every 4 hours at noon and by ten pm things started moving. I was in labour til 8 the next morning. They provided gas and air and morphine which I did have. The babies were born at 8 and 8.30 the next day and we were able to hold them which was very hard but I'm glad we did. The nurse showed us they were boys. They took pictures and wrapped them in little blankets which they gave us in keepsake boxes. I ended up staying another night as couldn't get any doctor to sign me off! We downloaded things onto the ipad to watch and distract us and took snacks as it was a very long night. They can never predict how long it will take. They check your vitals every however many hours so you can't really get a stretch of sleep. Also on the night we went the put-u-up bed was being used elsewhere so worth taking a sleeping bag or similar for your partner. I hope this helps. Sending you love and strength.x

 

[nessaw]

Sorry to answer some of your other questions. We had the babies cremated and chose not to go to the service-it felt like it would be too much. We have a lovely box with their ashes in. We chose not to name the babies-we'd been struggling for 2 boys names as it was. I'd felt fine too apart from sciatica which I now know was a sign of the twin to twin transfusion. Having had a few mc this one was the worst emotionally because the hormones hadn't started to fall as it had literally happened the day before the scan so afterwards they crashed. I don't mean to scare you but that was very hard. I spent the days inbetween scan and delivery thinking I just couldn't do it but you can. There's no hiding the fact that it is hugely difficult but you can do it. I actually had a month off work in the end and I'm glad I did. Again I'm really sorry for your loss. X

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry, I hate coming here and seeing another woman go through this hell..

I lost Ava at 22 weeks. Same thing as you. I felt fine i was glowing, finally a girl after 3 boys and being 40 and not being pregnant for 12 years..No idea she was gone, till i went to do the amnio..I will never till the day I die forget that day... I chose to give birth to her. Over here in the US they usually do a procedure called a D&E they don't recommend giving birth unless your 24 weeks or more..I was 22 weeks..I had no idea what the D&E was, when I did find out it just wasn't what I wanted for Ava or me. I gave birth in my house.. We buried her on 3-3-2011 and that is when my hell started .. It took me a good 2 years just to be ok.. Everyone is different everyone reaches their own peace at different times.. Please believe me it will get better, I know right now it doesn't seem this way, but it will..

You never get over it, just through it.. They should be able to tell you the sex of your baby, they tried to figure out why Ava died, but the results were not there, which for me made it worse.. Having a loss comes with so much Taboo.. It's not your fault in any way, we hide to cry, we lie and say we are fine when we really are dying everyday.. Just come here and read and talk to someone who will listen, don't ever be afraid to cry and don't listen to well meaning people, I know they mean well but they say the stupidest things. You can have another, maybe something was wrong with the baby, God has his reasons.. They just don't know WTF they are saying, so excuse them..If you ever need to talk I am here, shoot me a PM .. You will get through this, I promise..
XOXOXOOXO Andrea

 

[loubyb]

Thank you, so much for you reply's. I'm so sorry that you have been through this.
I cannot even get my head round it still- woke up this morning and thought I was still pregnant til it hit me. I'm still being sick- this whole thing feels cruel.

Nessaw do you mind me asking, did you have a hospital or a private cremation? I have no idea how to make all the decisions do quickly

Thank you for your advice ladies- I appreciate it xx

 

[wildflower79]

Hi, I'm so so sorry you're having to go through this. It really is such a heartbreaking time to have to cope with

My situation was slightly different to yours, in that I was induced early when we found out our daughter had edwards syndrome. We were told if she survived the labour we'd only probably get a few hours with her. As it turned out she passed away sometime during labour.

I was given an oral pill to take a couple of days before going in and then once admitted was given a pessary every 3 or 4 hours. I was given a room at a quiet end of the ward, so felt like I was away from other mums giving birth. The staff were all wonderful. I had two lovely midwives, one took over when the other's shift ended and then the first one came back again just as I was giving birth. I was also told I could have whatever pain relief I needed and was given anti sickness injections because I was sick a few times. My partner was allowed to stay with me the whole time. He was given meals and they put a bed up for him next to me over night. My mum was allowed to visit whenever I wanted her there too.

After giving birth we held our daughter and named her. A lady came in and gave us a memory box, helped us take hand and foot prints and the hospital had a camera so we could take as many photos as we wanted. My daughter was born around 8am and we stayed at the hospital till around 10-30pm. It was by far the hardest thing ever leaving her, but I knew we couldn't stay with her forever.

Our local hospital didn't offer any cremation service, so we used a local firm that we knew. They were also wonderful. We were able to go visit her at their chapel of rest. She had a beautiful white casket with a pink lining. We decided to go to the crematorium and while we didn't have a service as such, we chose to play some music. Once we'd received her ashes back I had planned on scattering them somewhere nice, but I don't feel like I can let her go just yet.

Don't worry about feeling strong. I didn't feel strong at all, but just tried to take each step at a time and cope as best I could. Even though it seems like such an awful thing to have to do, I do really cherish that time now.

I too really struggled with the thought of having to tell people what had happened and like you didn't want to leave the house in case anybody asked me. Have you got anybody that could tell people what has happened, so you don't have to? My mum was really great and made all the phone calls, so I didn't have to explain to anybody - there was no way I could have done that at the time.

I will be thinking about you for monday and really hope everything goes ok x

 

[Fit_Mama2Be]

Do you mind me asking how long ago it was?

Xx

It was last Saturday, February 7, when labour was induced, and it was Feb 4 that his heart stopped. We discovered this on Feb 5 with our doppler and it was confirmed at the hospital via u/s the following day.

My situation was a bit different in that we found out at an u/s on Jan 26 that our sweet little boy had a very rare condition called severe fetal megacystis and that we should prepare for the worst.

I hope you are doing okay Hon (or at least as okay as you can be right now).

 

[nessaw]

Hi louby it was a cremation organised by the hospital. There were other options of a group cremation and of services or memorial books. Tbh we just went with our initial gut feelings when the options were given to us and I still feel they were right for us. I had nausea for some days after the birth which was really frustrating. Sending you love and thinking of you tomorrow.x

 

[Tasha]

I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

My girls were born sleeping at 36+6 and 24+3. Both times we decided on a private burial. If you do decide that, then many funeral companies offer them free (aside from council fees etc) for babies. I know it's not something you ever thought you would need to think of, so I just don't want you to make decisions based on money worries

 

[nessaw]

Thinking of you today.x

 

[Andypanda6570]

Thinking of you and praying ..XOXO

 

[nicksi27]

Hey ladies,
I went for a 16 week consultant appt today- feeling absolutely fine, she wanted to do an ultrasound and the HB wasn't there I'm struggling with this so much. I feel fine physically in my self no bleeding or pain- I just can't understand it, it feels so cruel.
I'm so confused about the burial/cremation options.
And naming the baby too, will I be able tell the sex of the baby after it's passed? They think it all happened about a week ago.
I go into hospital on mon for the pessary- I need to gather some strength because I feel so low that I don't think I can take it. If anyone has advice on what to expect at the hospital I would appreciate it.

Thanks

Just wanted to say that i am so sorry this has happened to you. My heart breaks for you. I lost my little boy jacob in the same way as you, i went for a scan and then the lady turned the screen and said 'im sorry there is no heartbeat'. World ended right there I was 20+5 I know that you will have given birth to your little one now, i hope you and your family are coping. Sending you lots of hugs

 

[loubyb]

Thank you so much for your lovely messages, it really means a lot and I'm so sorry for everyone else's losses - really struggling to focus for long enough to write the reply i want to write. I'm ok heartbroken but coping- the funerals Wednesday so just waiting on that hurdle- I will post a proper reply in a few days but thank you xx

 

[babifever]

I'm very sorry for your lost, may your sorrow be comforted. **hugs