1st time & planned. Was 11 weeks pregnant; depressed.

[WhiteLily]

I just miscarried on June 21st. I was almost 11 weeks pregnant. I had a feeling that something was wrong and then I started spotting and then heavy bleeding with severe back and uterus pain. I knew what was happening but I didn't want it to be true so I put off going to the ER until I was in so much pain there was no denying what was happening. I spent hours in the ER waiting for a doctor to tell me what was happening as I bled on the ER bed. I bled so much that my blood pressure dropped and I was close to getting a blood transfusion and only then did a doctor or nurse pay attention to me. There was so much blood all over me and the contractions were terrifying. Later on my OB doctor came in and actually showed me remorse and explained what was happening. I think nurses and ER doctors get so use to seeing people in pain that they become numb to it. After I got a vaginal exam they were able to remove most of the tissue that was causing the bleeding. They ended up sending me home to "naturally" have my body abort the rest of the tissue. I came back to the ER the next day in severe pain, with the contractions and the pressure like when I was first started miscarrying and basically had to beg them to do a D&C and I had to wait all night and day to finally be scheduled for one. This was my first pregnancy and my husband and I were so excited. He cried when I first told him I was pregnant. Now I just feel empty and emotionless. My house feels so empty and school and work seems so irrelevant. Most of my family and friends are supportive through Facebook but few have came to visited me. There's a lot of people who are distant, I feel so alone.

 

[lovingladyo4]

I am so sorry you had to endure this experience sweetheart. Of course you feel so alone and have questions. I am hoping your doctor provided you with some answers, but then what? You most likely are asking yourself how to move on and face the emotional sadness that accompanies miscarriage. Have you asked around to see if there is a support group in your area? Maybe at a church or even getting information from the hospital. I personally believe that talking about your experince and feeling surrounded by those who have also experienced a loss can be a healing balm to your heart.

You might even try googling something like "support group dealing with miscarriage in - then type your city and state".


Do you ever pray? Prayer is nothing more than talking to God. When you pour your heart to Him, you feel a releasing of emotion that sometimes speaks more than our words can. I would like to encourage you to find a quiet time and tell Him how you are feeling. God wants to restore your hope, He is the only one who can. Thank for unloading these deep feelings you are carrying. I wish I could be there to give you a hug right now. I promise I will be praying for you.

 

[WhiteLily]

I have struggled with understanding God. One of my friends said sometimes it helps putting your faith in a higher power. I'll try to find a support group in my area. I go to the University of Washington and there's free counseling though the counseling center, but it's just one on one counseling. I just feel angry and sad every time I see a reminder of the baby like a pregnancy test or a baby book. It's a weird feeling going from feeling so pregnant to not feeling pregnant. I feel like a empty shell and it's hard for me to stay motivated about work or school. This is my last year of school, I feel like I just need to power through it.

 

[lovingladyo4]

I think your sadness and emptiness is part of your grieving process. Please give yourself permission to feel that way. It may seem impossible at this point in time to cope so promise yourself you will move forward in your own time and at your own pace.

Have you ever done journal writing? It is a wonderful way to write down your thoughts, dreams, hopes, disappointments, and a whole bunch of other emotions that only a mother can define. It also helps release the pressure of keeping these feelings inside.

The tender pain in your heart might remain with you for a long time, but eventually you will be able to measure just how much you have changed and grown and accepted what you had no control over. It is a process, so please be kind to yourself and give yourself plenty of time to ponder how you will face each new day with hope.

As far as a support group, maybe you can contact a hospital for some references or some names you can call.

God watches over every detail of your life and knows what pain feels like. His very own Son died on a cross so you and I could be set free. And because of that, you and I have access to the greatest gift of all, when we ask to spend eternity in heaven with Jesus. You will see your baby there. Why don't you ask Him into your heart so you too can experience the joy of a future filled with promise. It will keep you going. I promise to continue to pray for you.

 

[WhiteLily]

I have a art class that I do journaling in. I've actually been writing about my feeling quite a lot in it. I also draw so I've been sketching in it as well. I wish I had something to hold onto but I hadn't even had my first ultrasound so all I have is a picture of me with the beginning's of a baby bump. I want to try again in 3-6 months but I'm kinda scared to. I might wait until I am past my first trimester before telling everyone. I found a couple of support groups near me but there next meeting is three weeks from now. Thank you for your kind words, I'll take your advice to heart.

 

[StillPraying]

I'm so sorry this happened to you honey. I have been through this too and I know what you are feeling. The only thing that made me feel better was trying again as odd as that sounds. That may not be the case for every woman but for me it was. I said after my last loss that the worst part about miscarriage is that after a few days, people move on, so they assume you do too. They expect things to go back to what they were, but you can't because you aren't that person anymore. I'm so very sorry hon. My last loss was at 15 weeks and I thought the world had stopped. But it does get easier, you will get through this, not over it, but through it. Time really does help heal, and so do rainbow babies Try to stay busy if you can

 

[WhiteLily]

Yeah I heard that term the other day "rainbow baby" because after a storm there's a rainbow. I like that term. What was weird was that although my friends messaged me, none of my friends actually came to see me. It's almost like they were nervous when I talked to them. Only my parents and my husbands parents came to see how we were doing. I asked one of my friends about it and she said she thought I wanted space and she didn't know how to talk about it. It almost feels isolating.

 

[StillPraying]

Unless you have been through a loss, it's impossible to truly understand what it's like. They really don't know what you are going through, and probably have no idea how to help you, or even comfort you. They're probably afraid to say the wrong thing. I found more comfort here one this forum then any of my friends/family members.

 

[WhiteLily]

I'm just so fixated on what happened. It was traumatizing losing so much blood and seeing the tissue and blood clots and the thought of how I might be.. flushing my baby down the toilet... I know that's graphic. I'm in a art class where I keep a journal and I keep writing about how I feel and drawing pictures. I draw pictures of what I think my baby might have looked like mostly because I have nothing to hold onto because I don't even have a ultrasound because my OB was booked. My ultrasound was scheduled literally right after I started miscarrying. I think people just want me to move on and I want that as well but I can't.

 

[StillPraying]

You can't force yourself to move on honey. It takes time to heal. Don't worry about other people, your pain isn't theirs, they just want you to be okay, to be happy. Don't focus on getting over it. Accept it. Let your thoughts just be what they are. Say them out loud, write them, or share them here. Focus on one day at a time hon. One day at a time. It is very traumatic, you lose your baby while being powerless to do anything about it. It's absolutely horrific. Its any womans worst nightmare. You dont have to be sorry for sounding graphic, most of the stories on here are. Mine was. I read through all of the loss stories when i was going through my losses, I guess it made me feel like I wasn't as alone, knowing others had been through what I had been. Sketching what you imagine your little one would look like sounds lovely have you looked into miscarriage memorials? Idk if you have pinterest but there are a million ideas on there , like planting a small tree or rose bushes, bonsai trees etc.