3 .. 2... 1 breakdown

[rachellh08]

"I'm telling you all, it all falls down"

Ohhh *sigh* soo I've been on here all night just ready to cry.
I took soooo much vitex this week because its been over a year since I've had a period (since my M/C actually)

I hope this emotional roller coaster is hormonal because I don't know whats wrong with me..

Am I overreacting?
For starters, I cleaned house yesterday then went to clinical...One of my nails had dirt under it ( I SHOWERED! I just had dirt under one nail!) and my clinical instructor had to go and point it out.. I felt like such a slob after that.. So insecure..I felt so in everyones way today but they actually made enough comments while I was there to make me not wanna go back... Just the little things that make you feel unwanted and unimportant.

So at that point I was going on a downward spiral and I just kept going down. So I texted my mom who..I have issues with - havent really had a relationship with her for like 7 years (yeah 23 now soo) This is the first year weve actually been on talking terms...did she help no? Did she even call, no. She doesnt like to be bothered with my problems, Yet somehow she got "blessed" with 4 kids she didnt even want.

So then my new Liquid vitex came in (diff cheaper brand) and taste so bad..I just hate it..
I am so upset with life right now... I just feel so confused and lost..
Why did I have to be born with a pituitary tumor? Is that what is causing me not to have periods? Do I really need a baby right now Or do i just miss the baby I miscarried so much that I tell myself I do? Or am I just scared because theyve told me since 16 I couldnt get pregnant.. Why was it I was always okay with that until I actually got pregnant.
Why did whatever greater power is there, make me go through that. It was not to make me stronger it just broke me down. I MISS MY BABY, and its been over a year. Why did it die on my birthday? That messes with me so terribly....
Why is it since then I've suffered from severe social anxiety.
Why can't I go a day without talking about it a year later.

What is wrong with me :'(
I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.
I have a nuclear physics test tommorow but sometimes when you want something so bad for so long, and you go through so much you just...you just want to sleep it all off.. or quit the program and just work as an xray tech for the rest of my life...
Its like without a child I won't be happy. So why waste my time at school because even with the best job in the whole world I will feel so empty.
My family was always so bad to me and I just want a baby to love of my own, our own family. My partner has wanted one since we miscarried too but... I just feel like tired of life and regretting existence today

When it rains it pours.
Crying it off.

 

[ByHisGrace08]

Hi Rachell08,

So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time! This can be a hard and frustrating journey and yes at times you just need to let all the emotions out. But DONT GIVE UP!!!!!! Keeping you in my prayers!!

Good Luck with the end of your class you can do it!!!!

Blessings & Baby Dust,

 

[Hoping4aBoy]

I wish there was something I could say, some pithy comical phase, that could put into perspective all the situations that test our belief in ourselves, those around us, and our faith (what ever and in whom ever that faith is placed.) There isn’t though. There is no rationalizing why certain things happen to some people and not others. We feel cheated, broken, jaded, mad, hurt, and the list goes on. I can give you the same pep talk I have been giving my self:
1) When a door closes a window opens
2) You can adopt
3) Your married and happy
4) You have so much to be thankful for
5) You have great friends
6) You have a great job

Etc etc… I don’t know how much that list pertains to you, I don’t know you, but I know your pain. A large percentage of the women on this site could know your pain in an instant because we hold such similar grief in ourselves. Its such a helpless grief. Everyone is always saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” For what purpose I am uncertain. I am certain that life is full of wondrous things and opportunities. You may find that lost joy in something else. Don’t close your heart to what can be because its not what you want it to be. I may have to except that I will not bare my on child. I will be a mom though. And a really cool Aunt. A good friend. A loving wife. And I can be here for you too. Sometimes we need to sit in front of someone whose pain mirrors our own before we can start to heal.

 

[buttonbaby]

Hi Rachellh08, I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I know when I get upset and angry and down about life, I don't want people to tell me it's going to be ok, and look on the bright side, etc etc. I want them to shut up and acknowledge that I'm angry and sad and that it's ok to feel that way.

You have every right to feel like you do. Why does it matter that it's been a year since your mc? There's nothing wrong with you because you are saddened by that event. Who cares if it's been ten years? You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling for however long you need to feel it. You have to let yourself feel whatever is going on in your life, even if its sorrow, or misery, despair or hurt. Let it out girl. This is a safe place. We are all on our own paths, but we all understand why you are upset. You are surrounded by friends here, and no need to explain yourself.

Let it out, and with the tears let out some of that hurt. Cleanse your heart and then get some sleep. Things always look a little different in the morning. And if they don't, we'll be here.

 

[Sophie2]

Rach. im sorry hun theres nothing any of us can really say to make the pain and sarrow go away but like mentioned above u have friends here and we understand to some degree how ur feeling. There is nothing wrong with crying a yr later over such a loss and theres nothing wrong with wanting to try again you were told u could never get pregnant and yet you did and thats what u hold on to now u hold on to that little bit of hope becuz if you got pregnant before hun u can try when your ready, the fight is never easy but youve come this far to just give up and when you feel like ur losing grip on things u have us we will never judge u over one stupid nail being a little dirty .