4 year old sleep habits

[Willow82]

My 4 year old has for most of his life struggled to go to sleep by himself. When he was a baby i sat outside his room and went in and out of his room to replace his dummy, I then ended up sitting in his room whilst he went to sleep as he got older. When he was about 21 months, we did controlled crying as I was sitting in his room for hours every night. His sleep then was brilliant! He would have milk, vitamins, teeth brushed and stories and then he would self settle to sleep. This was until the arrival of little sis where he regressed and I have been sat in his room holding his hand whilst he falls asleep ever since.

I was hoping that he would grow out of it but he's dependant on it, when I tried just sitting next to his bed this evening without physical contact, he got really upset.

My OH is keen for me to start withdrawing myself so he can self settle. OH spends a great deal of time getting DD to sleep who is really resistant and hence it can take a long time. So we have a situation where we're both getting children to sleep and dinner and sorting the house out ends up getting really late.

I don't know what to do. I don't really want to withdraw the physical contact seeing as DS really wants it. At the same time, I'm worried he won't grow out of it and develop the ability to self settle.

I might add that DD is a very demanding baby who requires a great deal of physical contact. I can't be in the same room without her clambering on me. I also baby wear her mostly. I don't know if this is feeding in to the situation.

 

[MindUtopia]

Do you think he's not sleepy? Are there things you can do to help him settle down to sleep and be more tired and ready to go to bed? We co-slept until our daughter was 3 and a bit (she's just turning 4 next month) and she always had a lot of physical contact when she was younger (I wore her a good bit of the day and for all naps until well past 1). We also never sleep trained, but from about 2, we've had a pretty good routine of settling her in to sleep and giving her a chance to get tired in her bed so she goes to sleep on her own (from about 1, she went to bed in her own room and would come in to us when she woke up, or would bring herself once she was in a bed and walking).

We do bath and then milk and cuddles (in the dark in her room) and then she's pretty sleepy and then I stand outside in the hall and read her a story and shut the door. That works 90% of the time. She's either asleep before I finish reading or goes to sleep on her own after. It altogether takes maybe 10-15 minutes after her bath before I shut the door and go downstairs. For us, keeping everything quiet and dark and getting her in her bed sleepy but awake and then helping her to settle in there (by reading) before we left has been key. Could you do something like that where you read one or two books and then go? If he's tired enough, I imagine he might get used to just going to sleep.

And is there any reason he might not be tired? Are you still doing the vitamins before bed? Some of them have quite a bit of sugar in them, which might be the culprit. Or is he getting too much sleep during the day with a nap or a late wake-up? I'm sure he's dropped his naps by now, but getting rid of the nap was a huge sleep breakthrough for us. Really you might just have to say it's time to go to sleep on your own now. At 4, he'll be old enough to understand that. I don't mean shutting him in his room crying until he goes to sleep. We've never done that and I wouldn't. But there are nights when ours doesn't want to go to sleep right away and we just tell her that after a few books, she needs to be brave and stay in bed and try to go to sleep on her own. If she can't, she always knows she can call for us to come back, but often just getting her to stay in bed and try on her own means she falls asleep before she thinks to get back up.

 

[staralfur]

I still co-sleep with my almost 5 year old and she definitely wants to be touching me while she falls asleep (she usually lays her head on my chest when she's ready to sleep and then I can move her off no problem once she's sleeping). But I tell her that she can't lay on me until she's really ready to go to sleep, so it cuts down on the time she needs physical contact. She's usually only laying on me for 1-2 minutes and then if I need to get up to do something else I can do it without spending too much time getting her to sleep.

You could try telling your LO that he can only have your hand if he's tired and going to fall asleep. With my LO if she starts chatting or goofing around I move her off and tell her I can come back when she's ready to sleep.

I don't think you really need to worry about him never growing out of it as I do think they naturally reach a point where it's just not as important. But I can certainly understand not wanting to spend a bunch of time stuck to the bed getting them to sleep every night. As I said, it takes 1-2 minutes for my LO because she knows if she's not going to sleep right away I'm going to withdraw until she's ready. Sometimes that's necessary as she's not really tired but it frees me up to do something else until she is.

 

[Willow82]

Thank you for the suggestions. I asked him if he wanted to play for a bit whilst I tidied up and then let me know when he was ready to sleep. He played for a few minutes and then called me up. He took about 15 minutes to go to sleep which isn't too bad really so I think I will keep on this approach.

 

[SarahBear]

Thank you for the suggestions. I asked him if he wanted to play for a bit whilst I tidied up and then let me know when he was ready to sleep. He played for a few minutes and then called me up. He took about 15 minutes to go to sleep which isn't too bad really so I think I will keep on this approach.

That seems like a reasonable amount of time. After stories, I cuddle my daughter in bed for several minutes, and then I sit up in her bed and use my computer on the dimmest setting while she finishes falling asleep. At the same time, my husband helps my youngest to settle. They DO grow out of the need for parental help in falling asleep. It's just that many take longer than the popular idea of self-settling would have us believe. My neighbor also sits with her 4.5 year old while he falls asleep. He's starting to be OK with settling without her.

 

[Willow82]

Thank you for the suggestions. I asked him if he wanted to play for a bit whilst I tidied up and then let me know when he was ready to sleep. He played for a few minutes and then called me up. He took about 15 minutes to go to sleep which isn't too bad really so I think I will keep on this approach.

That seems like a reasonable amount of time. After stories, I cuddle my daughter in bed for several minutes, and then I sit up in her bed and use my computer on the dimmest setting while she finishes falling asleep. At the same time, my husband helps my youngest to settle. They DO grow out of the need for parental help in falling asleep. It's just that many take longer than the popular idea of self-settling would have us believe. My neighbor also sits with her 4.5 year old while he falls asleep. He's starting to be OK with settling without her.

I think I got a bit worried because my SIL who has two school age kids argued over Christmas that he would never grow out of it as it was a 'habit' and that I would to teach him to go to sleep by himself. I always question my parenting after speaking to her.

 

[Smiler82]

We've only recently stopped lying with our 3yo to get him to sleep. One thing I did was buy him a toy dog and told him the dog was his new bed time buddy, and the dog would give him cuddles and keep him company all night. DS really took to this, which was a bit of a surprise as he's never been interested in cuddly toys, but I suppose it's quite a realistic looking one We also talked to him a lot about how we couldn't keep getting into bed with him, so over time he accepted it. He gets lots of praise and high fives in the morning for being a "super star sleeper" and that seems to make him really proud of himself.