6 months after lost and I really need opinions

[xGracex]

It has been 6 months since I lost my baby due to incompetent cervix, and I still have my bad days but personally I am in a much better place emotionally than I expected.

We got her cremated and keep her urn in our home. I just need opinions on if I'm being unreasonable or overreacting to the fact that my MIL wants to take the urn with her to have sleepovers with "her baby".

I have not allowed it yet, but as I am going away soon she wants "the baby" to stay with her while I'm gone and she has talked to my husband about it and he basically told her yes.

Now she is overjoyed and came over today and kissed and hugged the urn while talking to it in a baby voice. I just broke down again today because I am so uncomfortable with the way she acts. I see her urn as her urn. It is a very precious keepsake to me and reminds me of the beautiful baby I had, but in no way do I associate it with being a baby.

She also(in my opinion) brings up our lost child way to much like it was her who has lost a baby and not us. It really hurts me because I feel like she is trying to get attention for her and does not consider my feelings with this.

Also bringing up how we need to give her many grand babies so she can have them at her home all the time(she has another grandchild which when she is over there 2 days a week it isnt nearly enough). Which in my opinion is really overbearing because I was brought up seeing a grandparent was a treat.

I just have no idea how to handle this situation and I have stayed quiet towards her but inside I just want to give her a piece of my mind. I don't know if I'm overreacting to this or what? If anyone has any ideas for me to help deal with this I would love them. I am clueless, and I need to get past this so I can finish healing from my loss..

 

[Sapphire909]

In my opinion, you are not overreacting. This is your child and not hers. The urn is yours. That's how I would feel. She needs to be more sensitive to your experience and feelings. I personally find it odd that she wants to have the urn for 'sleepovers'. This is something that is very precious to you. Your husband may have meant well to say yes, but the bottom line is, if you are uncomfortable with it (which I understand!), I would keep it at your house. If you aren't comfortable with saying this to her, perhaps writing a letter would help get your feelings out. Something along the lines of, "I appreciate you feel a loss as well, but this is precious to me and the urn belongs at home with me. I do not feel comfortable with it any other way and I'm sure you will understand my feelings. And our loss is still fresh, it would make things easier on us if you didn't mention us having more babies right now. We need to heal. Thank you for understanding." Even if she doesn't understand, you have the chance to express your feelings in a non-confronting way, and hopefully she gets some kind of clue.
Hope things get better for you. xx

 

[Patito726]

Hi Grace, so sorry for you loss and happy you are doing well. I too just lost my son due to incomtnt cervix 4 weeks ago today. I have his ashes with me as well in a little mini glass case, my mom had offfered to keep him with her, she has a case where she keeps her baby jesus from her nativity, i explained to her that he was my baby my responsibilty with me physcally or not, and she understood. she just felt it would keep me from moving on. for me personally i still now and then talk to the baby when i pray, i talked to him from the minute i confirmed my pregnancy. Just talk to your MIL and have your husband there, i imagine cause i know it was difficult for my mom to see me go through the loss as i am her daughter and she too was excited about being a grandma, your MIL may also be having difficulty with the loss, talk to her about it,and just tell her you feel your baby's ashes are safe just where they are, and how her actions although appreciaed (cause that just means she loved your baby too) are making it difficult for you to move on as well. I know its hard to find the right words but talk to her with you heart.

Nancy (patito)

 

[xGracex]

thank you guys for your replies and advice! I think I might try the letter idea it does seem less confronting.