A bit worried about reappearance of FOB after I sort my life out...

[woadie]

Hi all

Okay so I have just started to tell friends firstly I am pregnant and secondly that my BF dumped me when he found out. So, today I told a male friend of mine and he got sent the dumping email... after some thought he said,

"i cant defend XXXX's behaviour in any way what so ever, but do you think that maybe he got scared? some people go a bit weird when it suddenly dawns on them just how much responsibility bringing a child into the world is.................its really the only thing that i can think off that "may" explain his actions!"

Now, this has worried me because here I am just trying to sort my life out, adjust to the idea that I will be a single Mum, plan my finances as a single Mum, plan my childcare and life as a single Mum.... the last thing I want is to be messed about by FOB if he suddenly 'comes to his senses' as has been suggested.

So, I just wondered, how likely is this? I've seen a few of you have been messed about well and truly. I don't mind admitting, I loved this so-and-so and I'd rather my child have a father... but not at the expense of having him yo-yo in and out of our lives.

Is this a typical male reaction, to up and run like hell, then think later? I am already so confused by his attitude once he found out I was pregnant... it was like a 180 degree turn from 'i love you, you make me happy' to 'i just don't love you enough'...

Whats your experiences and advice please?

 

[precious-gift]

hey sorry don't have an answer yet, maybe in the next few weeks after iv given birth! I have got this a lot, apparantly there are men who cannot cope with the prospect of becoming a father and the responsibilities it entails. We went through fertility treatment, he was so happy when i fell pregnant, then all of a sudden he changed, found out he had been having an affair for two weeks, and left me for her I found it really hard to cope and went to see a psychic, who was actually very good, although not everyone believes in these things, but she knew that he had left me suddenly, she said it was nothing to do with other woman, he did it because he couldn't cope and was too immature, that he still has feelings for me and he will and probably already does regret what he has done, whether any of this is true i don't know! As i say im waiting to see how he reacts to birth of baby and how much involvement he want, i don't feel now that i would ever take him back, so just concentrating on being a single mum. There are so many men do this to their partners, that possibly there is some truth in it x

 

[purpledahlia]

I have to say that it is a common reaction. the father of my baby did the same, he was two-timing me and another girl - the other girl longer and he decided he never wanted see or speak to me again, 10 weeks later when i was 18 weeks .. he got back in touch. He was going to meet me recently and he didnt show, but now he text me yesterday and i had a miss call from him today.. so he clearly doesnt know what his head is thinking. I dont know what to think either. I think men do panic a bit, but i dont in any way condone their actions, its too late to think about his actions 10 weeks later, he should think about what he says when hes saying it, or before hand even. I think he will probably be back in touch.. but i would just carry on planning as you are and dont let him interfere, let him see ur making a plan for yourself and baby. he is the one missing out x

 

[Perdita]

It could be shock and he may come round but you can't assume it! FOB has so far been pretty clear he's having nothing to do with the baby and as far as I can tell won't even put his name on the birth certificate so I'm planning to be alone and will sort things out accordingly.
My only advice would be to plan to be single, get your head straight and if he changes his mind then that's good but it will be on your terms! He might turn out to be reliable as a part time dad but don't bank on it - reading other womens experiences they can be fickle and also just have no idea how to stick to arrangements or the problems they cause if thy change plans at the last minute - this I think is a common male trait and not just one of fathers that don't live in!!
Talk to your midwife, work on building your support systems and then you can be ready whatever happens - my attitude to the FOB has hardened as time goes on and any contact he wants will be strictly on my terms and if he fails to stick to it without prior negotiations, well, three strikes and he's out.
Be prepared, I feel better now I've got some things sorted out and even buying the cot was a real relief! I've got nappies and things to get through the first few weeks before moving on to washable ones and started stocking on things that are heavy to drag back from the shops as I don't drive - got enough washing powder to last at least 3 months, toiletries for months and things like that!
I've had some really dark days and wondered if I've done the right thing but when I see the little clothes and my little (getting bigger) stock of things to make the first few weeks and months easier it does make me feel more confident. I can do this and if you ask for help (not always an easy thing to do!) you'll do just fine.
Good luck and PM if you want to talk, you're not alone and support is there!

 

[suzanne108]

Sounds a similar situation to mine (I feel like I say that a lot on here...I can't believe what idiots men are, so many of us in the exact same boat!)

Anyway...I truly believe that my ex is going to come crawling back once the LO is here. I think in his mind I'm a pregnant hormonal woman, he's giving me some distance then planning on waltzing back in again when I give birth. I can't say this for definite but I'm about 90% sure....and do you know what? He is gonna get one BIG shock because he has absolutely no chance of us getting back together.

I'm not gonna stop him seeing LO, but it will be on my terms. I will be civil with him for the sake of the baby and thats about it.

I do think it seems to take men longer to get their heads round it, so if he hasn't been all bad then maybe you should hear him out when/if he comes back...I just wouldn't rush into anything. You have to think of your LO and can't risk him yo-yoing in and out of your life. As far as mine is concerned, far too much has happened and been said....and we've known I've been pregnant for 17 weeks...thats bloody long enough to get your head around something!!!!!

I hope things work out xxx

 

[DizzyMoo]

Hun nobody can say how likely it is he will come to his senses, that is something you just have to wait & see what happens. Continue to plan your life the way you are & if/when he gets back in touch you then include him in YOUR plans.

My bumps dad asked for this baby & then when we got the bfp he did one with another woman, so far hasn't done jack all for baby. So i'm the same planning my life as a single mum to 2, planning how things will be done, money & routines & whatever else. IF he decides to get back in touch then firstly he will have shit loads of explaining & apologies to be giving, Then he will have to go by MY rules & around times to suit me etc.
I certainly wont be dropping anything for him put it that way , He isn't going on birth cert either. I got the same responses when he left " maybe he was scared or whatever " but sorry that's not a good enough reason imo. i was scared but i couldn't run away like a sissy girl..

Bloody men make me so angry!!

 

[fizz63]

I am going through the exact same thing and can really identify with how you are feeling. My baby was planned and only last week i told my oh that i was pregnant, he literally did a 180 degree turn and said that he was going to tell me that same night, that he didnt think we had a future. i was gutted to say the least. I thought, maybe he is in shock, i will give him a few days to come round. I left it 3 days and by last saturday, his attitude had got even worse. he told me that he didnt want me or the baby in his life, he wasnt interested in either of us and that he had been seeing someone else ! (we have been together 14 years, so this is out of the blue) i cant believe he agreed to trying for this baby if he could turn around like this.

I am the same as you .... i keep thinking that he could change his mind etc and that i wont be strong enough to turn him away. I got some great support on here and the best comment was "how can you trust a man who treats you like this when you are at your most vulnerable" and i am afraid that is what is sticking in my mind. I dont want to spend my life or put my baby at risk of someone coming in and out of their life or treating either of us with disrespect.

i am in rented accommodation at the moment and every decision i am trying to make for my future, is put in doubt because i think what if we get back together etc ....

i do think men need a little time to let the bfp sink in, however, if they disrespect you or treat you badly, this isnt acceptable. why would you treat someone you love like that ?

pm me if you need to chat.

 

[woadie]

It's really good to heat this girls, thanks ever so much... Fizz you hit the nail on the head, it's that deep worry that I will be stupid and take a complete loser back... yet I am concerned that his reaction right now might be one based on immaturity alone, like precious-gift says, in which case wouldn't I turn out to be the bad guy if he wised up and I told him to sling his hook.... it's all very complex... I will keep on making plans for just me plus a little one, as I am not stupid enough to bank on someone so immature coming back.

Purple >> do you worry about what might happen if you saw FOB or has his bad behaviour damaged things too far? Or would you take him back if he asked to come back?

Dizzy >> I am outraged that the father asked for the baby then ran! What a sh1t!

Fizz >> Ditto... I hope he's sat on his own somewhere with nothing but his thoughts to torture him.... I reckon he'll reappear pretty soon, I don't know why, I just get the feeling he's had a massive immaturity tantrum.

Suzanne >> LOL! Yes I'd say 17 weeks is long enough... I wonder if he just can't handle being the support instead of the supported?!

Perdita >> Thanks for the advice, thats been one of my big concernd, as being alone with no family, its just gonna be me having to get the shopping in etyc. I do drive but I'm already panicking at the idea of taking a newborn to the shop with me. I thought about doing somestockpiling as well.

Precious >> I just cannot believe he'd go through all that then run... that is seriously his loss... I wonder what the other woman must think, if I was her I'd be feeling seriously insecure. That won't last, how they can build something stable after the life changing events he's faced with you and the child you now have growing... well, I just can't see that he can just magically recreate a new relationship and wipe the board clean of all his experiences with you... he certainly can't deny the child.... idiot!

In my case, FOB lives 200miles away... we were seeing each other at weekends, and he took a weeks leave in August for my birthday, which is when I found out I was pregnant. Okay, so we were a bit stupid in July... but I'll be honest, at the grand 'old' (when it comes to concieving) age of 36 I figured slim chances... and at the time I did say 'dont you think this is a risk'... his reply was 'its worth it'!!! Agh, I wish I'd recorded those final last words! When he found out I had all sorts of really nice comments like 'I was in limbo and now I have a reason for being', 'You've got a family now', and 'I'll save up for baby then move down'... ho ho ho... little did I expect the later e-mail (no he couldn't face anything more direct) saying he didn't love me enough and that I knew where he lived for the CSA.

You might like to read an email from that male friend of mine, I recieved today, it was so uplifting and I reckon it will give you the same feelings of support for our situations as it did me...

"hi mate,

how are you? doing well and taking it easy i hope!

well the only loser in all this is XXXX and im pretty certain that one day he will realise what a mug he is. bollox to him, he is obviously not a real man and you can do a lot better for yourself and for your baby. there are plenty of decent guys out there who would love to be a dad to your child and take care of you and im sure you will find him very soon. i have a few mates who are in relationships with girls who had a child from a previous relationship and the bond they have is just as strong as what mine is with my daughters.

cheers,
XXXXX"

It's nice to know that the vast majority of men think that the men who do this are not real men... lmao...

 

[precious-gift]

hey woadie what a lovely message to get, and he is so right, its a cliche, but it just takes time. that message really cheered me up, especially as it was written by a man, they are not all the same

I really don't know what is going through my ex's mind, maybe i will never know, can only concentrate on bringing up my child. As for the other woman, she knew he was married and that i was pregnant, and from what iv heard about her, this is not the first marriage break up she has been involved in. I even remember him telling me that she was seeing a married man who had 2 kids at work (they work together). I don't believe for one second that it will last, that is no basis to start a realtionship, i believe it is based purely on sex and for him infatuation, can't see her sticking around when it comes to maintenence and access

you will be fine you sound strong already, things will work out, i am so looking forward to being a mummy, hopefully won't have to wait much longer, as i said i will get back to you all regarding his reaction, if there is one at all

xx

 

[Ash_P]

Just came across this thread, i am too in the same situation. Husband and I were trying for a baby for 2 years and finally when we got our BFP i thought that things couldnt of been more perfect. THen when I was 7 weeks pregnant he told me we had "reached the end of the road" that he loved me but wasnt IN LOVE with me! (why continue to sleep with me then) 4 days later i discovered there was someone else. A girl in his work. To make things worse shes a mutt!! she looks hidious and lives in petrol bomb hell of belfast.

I had to move out of our home as i couldnt afford the mortgage on my own. I still worry about how i am going to financially survive, but I have no choice, I have to cope for the sake of my baby. Its the one thing in the world i wanted and thinking so long it was never going to happen i cant let it down.

I kept thinking similar that he was running scared, the thought of losing his social life, his 2 seater sports car etc maybe that freaked him out. I kept hoping that he would wake up and realise what he was giving up. On a few occassions i thought he was close to admitting he made a mistake but it never happened.

Now i realise that if he came back to me it would be the worst thing i could ever allow to happen. i would never trust him again and every day i would wake up wondering "is today the day he`ll leave again" and I cant live my life like that. I dont care if i dont meet anyone else, as long as I can support my child and give it the best it deserves.

My ex says he wants to be involved in the babies life and wants to see it every day etc. He has gone to scans and midwife appointments which is more that i thought he would of done, but to be honest I dont think he will be there for long. New born babies arent very exciting and I reckon he`ll get bored, the weekends will turn to fortnights then months then nothing. Id rather he told me now if he cant be arsed so i can get organised. I`ll not stop him being involved but it`s on my terms and if he doesnt like it tough, he ended the marriage and has caused me to actually feel miserable so far of my first pregnancy.

Soory this is really long, but i go on wee rants and forget wen to stop lol
Just think about u and ur baby, and remember that every storm has its rainbow. Crap ex partner, but a wonerful child at the end of it.

Take care x

 

[dollygirlie]

Personally having experienced a bloke bolt and run with our child, if a guy doesn't come around in a couple of days you might aswell forget it, just get on with your life be strong for your baby. You are right a guy yoyoing in and out of your life isn't good, so resign yourself you are single, and put your foot down as far as this guy is concerned and have everything on your terms. Hard I know, but if he wasn't there in the beginning, doubt if he will be there for you and the child at any other time. Men today make me sick to be honest, no honour, no respect, just wan**kers, pardon my french :-D

 

[Seraphim]

Well, I am/have been in a very different situation, but with some elements of the 'male panic reflex'

Hubby and I were together for 6-7 years when he had a MAJOR freak out about having a family... everything. It was so so sooooo horrible, and took a lot to work through. There's never been a problem of cheating or a loss of love, but when we got up close to our future he didn't know what to do. (For a whole heaps of reason I won't bore you with )

It wasn't until after 9 years together he said 'I'm ready - let's go'

As I say, it's not the same as your situation... but our whole relationship and marriage had been held hostage by what boiled down to 'being a father' - by him I should add, we'd always planned to have a family and he knew not having one would be a huge sacrifice for me, and he didn't want me to do that.

Even during this pregnancy he's had a couple of wobbles. Nothing huge, but still.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... even with a decade of loving eachother more than life, a baby is a 3rd party, and any confusions FOB has about his feelings and relationship with little one will undoubtably pull rank on those he has for you.

I don't know if that's helpful to hear or not. I'm sure his 'change' has undermined what you thought to be true.

It's painful, and the hardest part is, you can't really change it. If things do change it will be with the natural order of things, and depend on what kind of person he really is. We had a huge investment in eachother at stake, which made it harder to take an escape route. For me I was able to take the tone of 'I will not lay down and let your fears ruin our lives', I guess it's harder for you to know what it is that's playing on his mind.

I don't know what kind of exchanges you'd had since he 'freaked out' - but I believe in being honest, even when it's painful. If the way you feel about him is that he really could be your 'second love' then do you feel strong enough to help him fight his fears?

There's always a chance he's 'just a shit' but I hope you find some resolve.

Big

 

[purpledahlia]

hiya again,
yeah i do worry about if i see him again, i was really nervous about the times we had arranged to meet but he didnt bother to show up, in a way i was a bit relieved because i knew it was going to be awkward, he has already said he doesnt like arguing with me, but i am also very let down that he had these chances to sort some things out and meet and talk and BE FRIENDS. Ive decided hes not going on the birth cert and if he fights it thats something he said when i found out i was pg, he said i would never get his signature on that birth cert, so even although he has been back in touch i dont think he has deserved the chance to be on it. And if he doesnt want to pay any maintenence or anything then i will go to CSA. and he will just have to deal with it.
I worry about seeing him but i know i am pretty strong right now and can tell him how it id, which he doesnt like when i do that but i dont have the time to piss around!!?!
I've moved to my mums now tho so i dont even know if i will see him, and hes banned from here, so i dont really wanna spend my time in cafe's and resteraunts etc. Its up to hiom to redeem himself. Actions DO speak louder than words!!

 

[shocker]

Thanks so much for posting this i have been wondering about this aswell, im sorry i can offer any advice just that im going through the same. Pregnant planning to be a single mum, i personally dont think mine will come back after the way hes behaved.I understand he may be scared but so am i ya know? and hes even saying now that it cant be his because he cant have kids, utter lies considering there was no one else!! At first he was all "aww it'll be ok i'll come to the doctors with you" and all that and now hes just horrible. Its hard enough doing it and i dont want to deny my baby their father but if he comes back later and just pops in and out when he likes i will not stand for it.My first time posting in this single mother section so hello everyone

 

[purpledahlia]

Nah its not fair on the child if the man comes in and out of the childs life, i think we all need to make sure we stay strong, they are either in or theyre out! No point messing the kids arond, its not fair and they will suffer.

 

[edinsam]

aw hun I can relate. I was with my OH for a couple of years. I got pregnant he announces that he is going back to his ex wife - despite the fact before me he had an affair for 10 years (I should have read the alarm bells from this I guess)

Anyway that was 6 months ago so I have gone through my pregnancy alone. Lily was born last week 5 weeks premature. I sent him a text message to tell him and a wee piccie of lily. I spoke with him through the week and asked him "do you want to see her" he said no not just now!!! what the f***. I then said what about next week then - he was like probably not but dont know. I then asked him to confirm with my lawyer (we have a lot of financial stuff to sort out) that he wants no parental rights and he was like eh no Im not doing that as I dont know how I will feel in 6 months, year etc time. I went balistic - I was like no way can you just think about swanning in and out of my life and hers like this.

I have since found out that when he went back to the ex she got pregnant pretty much straight away and had a miscarriage this month! So basically he had told me he was leaving me because he didnt want any more children and now this. The man is a moron and I sooo do not want Lily associated with him.

I have to eventually go back to seeing this man every day as we work together - how much of a joy is that?

So basically for me I have done my bit - I sent a text, I sent a pic, I asked him to see her. Npw when she is older I can at least say well I tried hun and he didnt want to know.

Be strong hun - build your life without him and as my mum would always tell me "whats for you wont go past you"

 

[woadie]

Edinsam - massive congratulations over the birth of Lily

I just read your other thread too... you make me feel strong by what you've been through and how you've risen up, taken all the legal advice you can, done the right thing and offered him every chance, and then when he's treated you and Lily so badly, simply said no more, you will not do this to us.

I know that this is also what I need to do... make my plans completely without him, based on his behaviour and total lack of interest. Do what is right for my child based on how he has already behaved and not on how he might behave. It is nearly three weeks since he told me to get knotted, and as I read elsewhere, someone said 'how long does it take someone to come around'... well, three weeks is long enough.

Pregnancy and future continues from now on, alone, and he and his family no longer count.

Thanks edinsam and I hope everything is going well for you and Lily now! ((hugs))

 

[edinsam]

aw Woadie you are stronger than you think hun - you will amaze yourself I promise you. I'm not saying its going to be easy, it wont - there will be times you want to lock yourself in a room and cry all day. What I would say is on those days - just cry. If you try not to it will hit you worse in days, weeks to come. Slowly but surely each day a single teeny part of your self respect and dignity will return and in no time you will be walking with that head held high and he won't be able to touch you. Thats a great feeling trust me. For 5 months when I spoke with him he reduced me to tears, I was a wreck, he made me feel useless. When Lily was born and I saw him for the first time on Monday it felt like the power had switched and I was in complete control. He looked like a lost boy and there was I high on the birth of my gorgous daughter. Nothing will ever replace that feeling hun and you will get that, it just takes time.

keep strong, feel free to pm me anytime and if I can help I will. After being there done it I can testify that its not actually as hard as it seems at the time. Gosh I thought my life was over when he left - now I actually look over at my daughter and think its only just started.

Big hugs hun

xxxxx