Princesskell
Love my 2 babies
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2011
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Dear Freya Grace,
I never intended to feed you. As soon as I was pregnant I knew I couldn't. I was terrified of everything it entailed and refused to talk about it with anyone. It made me feel panicky, sick and shaky and although i knew what i felt wasnt normal, i couldnt help it. I bought all the bottles and all the formula and was happy that it was the right decision.
Daddy tried to give you your first bottle in the hospital right beside me, but you didn't seem to be hungry yet. When it was just you and me alone in the hospital I tried again, but you still didn't seem bothered. The nurses were worried that you hadn't had any milk yet but you seemed happy.
In the middle of the night we stared at each other and I couldn't believe you were here. Everything had changed and yet I had known you forever. I knew I would do anything for you and I decided to give feeding a go. When I told daddy I had tried he was so proud of me it made me cry, but I still planned to give you a bottle when we got home.
The first afternoon at home, I prepared the bottle and held you close, but I will never forget the look on your face when I tried to put it in your mouth. Your tiny beautiful face was full of confusion and hurt as if you were saying 'Mummy what are you doing?'. I couldn't stop crying, but I knew I had to continue feeding you myself.
We were blessed to have an easy journey. After the first painful week, you fed perfectly and grew long and lean.
I was always prudish, but after discovering my amazing feeding apron, I fed you everywhere from in the car and on a plane, to Costa and Pizza Express!
I always enjoyed our special times, although sometimes I watched tv or went on bnb on my iPad as you fed, most of the time I just watched you and talked to you. Often I selfishly hid away with you, looking forward to spending precious time just me and you.
You were never a cuddly baby, but feeding you gave me those wonderful hours of snuggles I will treasure forever. I remember the day you first reached up to grab my hair and the feed you couldn't stop giggling at my funny faces. I remember the months of bedtime feeds where you fell asleep feeding and I held you in my arms afterwards not wanting to put you in your cot.
My miracle,I not only made you, but my milk provided you sole nourishment for the first 17 weeks of your life, and continued when you started having solids responsible for you growing strong and healthy...my big girl.
And now this journey is over, at just over 15 months we have shared our last feed. I ache all over for you, sad that this special relationship is finished but so proud of what we achieved. I hope you still need me, I hope I can still comfort you the same.
This isn't something I can share with anyone in real life, still something I'm not really comfortable sharing and it's sad that it's something I will probably never share with you. In a couple of weeks you will have no memories of the last 15 months at all and that makes me cry. But I will remember.
I don't want to come across as smug. I am grateful every single minute for being able to feed you and if I had done it any other way I would be no different a mother, but I am proud of us, I'm proud of me and what I've achieved.
For others like me who are scared or unsure, I would never preach or say 'just try it', life will happen and your baby and your body will often dictate your path.
To my Sprout, I love you and always will. Tomorrow as you drink from your sippy cup, I will shed a tear but know I would never ever wish anything had been different xxx
I never intended to feed you. As soon as I was pregnant I knew I couldn't. I was terrified of everything it entailed and refused to talk about it with anyone. It made me feel panicky, sick and shaky and although i knew what i felt wasnt normal, i couldnt help it. I bought all the bottles and all the formula and was happy that it was the right decision.
Daddy tried to give you your first bottle in the hospital right beside me, but you didn't seem to be hungry yet. When it was just you and me alone in the hospital I tried again, but you still didn't seem bothered. The nurses were worried that you hadn't had any milk yet but you seemed happy.
In the middle of the night we stared at each other and I couldn't believe you were here. Everything had changed and yet I had known you forever. I knew I would do anything for you and I decided to give feeding a go. When I told daddy I had tried he was so proud of me it made me cry, but I still planned to give you a bottle when we got home.
The first afternoon at home, I prepared the bottle and held you close, but I will never forget the look on your face when I tried to put it in your mouth. Your tiny beautiful face was full of confusion and hurt as if you were saying 'Mummy what are you doing?'. I couldn't stop crying, but I knew I had to continue feeding you myself.
We were blessed to have an easy journey. After the first painful week, you fed perfectly and grew long and lean.
I was always prudish, but after discovering my amazing feeding apron, I fed you everywhere from in the car and on a plane, to Costa and Pizza Express!
I always enjoyed our special times, although sometimes I watched tv or went on bnb on my iPad as you fed, most of the time I just watched you and talked to you. Often I selfishly hid away with you, looking forward to spending precious time just me and you.
You were never a cuddly baby, but feeding you gave me those wonderful hours of snuggles I will treasure forever. I remember the day you first reached up to grab my hair and the feed you couldn't stop giggling at my funny faces. I remember the months of bedtime feeds where you fell asleep feeding and I held you in my arms afterwards not wanting to put you in your cot.
My miracle,I not only made you, but my milk provided you sole nourishment for the first 17 weeks of your life, and continued when you started having solids responsible for you growing strong and healthy...my big girl.
And now this journey is over, at just over 15 months we have shared our last feed. I ache all over for you, sad that this special relationship is finished but so proud of what we achieved. I hope you still need me, I hope I can still comfort you the same.
This isn't something I can share with anyone in real life, still something I'm not really comfortable sharing and it's sad that it's something I will probably never share with you. In a couple of weeks you will have no memories of the last 15 months at all and that makes me cry. But I will remember.
I don't want to come across as smug. I am grateful every single minute for being able to feed you and if I had done it any other way I would be no different a mother, but I am proud of us, I'm proud of me and what I've achieved.
For others like me who are scared or unsure, I would never preach or say 'just try it', life will happen and your baby and your body will often dictate your path.
To my Sprout, I love you and always will. Tomorrow as you drink from your sippy cup, I will shed a tear but know I would never ever wish anything had been different xxx
