Advice on teen boys please

[bobblebot]

Hi all, would really like some advice as my head is all over the place with pregnancy hormones and stress.

Situation is:
I am 17 weeks pregnant and a 40 year old mum of a 3 year oldboy and 4 teenagers, 2 boys 14 & 16, 2 girls 13 & 18.

My teenagers are from my 1st marriage of 15years, he was a good father and we parted as friends until he met his new now wife who wanted him have nothing to do with me. He has never paid any maintenace, chose to lose his job rather than pay, although they run a kleenee franchise between them, but she has all accounts go through her name so he declares he earns nothing. He doesn't see the girls, but has 14 yr son every saturday and occasionally sees 16 yr son.

My 3 yr old is from 2nd marriage, but found out too late he was a serial cheat, he got another woman pregnant the week before i married him, i got pregnant too but lost my baby at 3 months, she kept hers, he isn't with her but now he lives alone and has many f***buddies! He sees our son every saturday, when it doesn't interfere in his socialplans and pays £100 per month if he has the money! although he works full time.

My dillema is that over the past year or so the teenagers in general are justtaking the complete piss out of me. I managed to get a lovely 5 bed house 2 years ago and the landlord was great, however her husband who is mega obsessed with the house (he built it as he did next door and constantly is on my back about it, he wants it to constantly looklike a showhouse, he moans about clutter, weeds, paintwork etc and has made my lifehell) He threw the next door neighbours out as said they weren't looking after house.

I have explained to all the kids that they are not babies and need to help out cleaning the house and doing jobs, but despite many warnings about havong to move if they don't help they still don't help.

I am stressed all time as landlord is always threatening give notice if house is not in 'tip top' condition...to be honest i am sick of running such a big house with such lazy kids.

my eldest daughter whose 18 treats the house like a hotel, coming in whenever she wants and nothelping out, I have told her that this summer she will need to look for her own place as its getting ridiulous, it may sound harsh but needsmust.

My youngest daughter does need to help out more but her behaviour is good so she isn't causing major stress or problems.

My two teenage boys however swear at me, my 14 year old stinks as he refusesto shower, i have tried everything but noamount of shaming, bribery or threats will get himto shower. i have to tell him to get upstairs in his room because i can't stand the smell. he has major anger issues, i have a feeling he is borderling aspergers. My 16 year old lad is a nice lad but again lazy, refuses do anything, swears at me and is now coming in all hours.

i have sat down so many times with the kids explaining how they need to help out as this is a big house and i can't do it alone. I had a good job but hadto commute 4 hours a day and it was decision between having to move all the family to live nearby or leaving the job. The kids were adamant they didn't want tomove so i had to leave, but now i regret making that decision as it has gone unnapreciated.

Now though iam in a position where eventually i know the landlord will give us notice and to be honest i am only living where i am because of kids, i want to move to cumbria (3 hours away) to be near my parents and have extra support. I can apply to do a postgrad social work degree there and get work in social work quite easily-my background is education and social work.

The boys don't want to move, one has a yearleft atschool the other leaves this year but wants to go a local college. my youngest daughter doesn'tmind going as wants to be near grandparents and my little boy will love it.

my ex husband has agreed to have the boys, my youngest son is quite happy to live with dad but my eldest son wants to stay where we are...i have contemplated staying and discussed in that case they helpout more, but nothing has changed, its got worse, my 16 yr old went out friday and came home at 5.45 am!!!

I just don't know what to do, my own life is on hold, i'm turning down friends invitations to go out as i'm sat in stressed all time and crying. finding a house to move to is a nightmare, let alone figuring out where to move to and what to do with kids.

i just feel so guilty as if i'm palming kids off on their dad, i'm worried they will see it as me having another baby and getting rid of them but truth is i've been telling them for ages if they don't buck their ideas up it will come to this.

I worry that i'm going to end up having a nervous breakdown and worse dying, then ill let all the kids down as not be there for them.

Moving up to mums, will mean less stress, a quieter country life, fresh start....the last four years have been a nightmare and i'm still recovering from the emotional abuse the ex did to me.

I'm sorry for the length i just would like some opinions and advice from people who are able to see this rationally and clearly, because my emotions are too caught up in this to see what i should do for the best.

what would you do?

 

[littlekitten8]

Hun I just wanted to give you a massive hug! It sounds like a really tough situation. To be brutally honest I think that at 18 your oldest daughter is perfectly capable of looking after herself and I would be kicking her out. With your younger daughter have you tried doing a chore rota? When we were in our teens we each had a job to do each day and if it wasn't done we had priviledges taken away from us. It sounds like your boys have no respect for you whatsoever! At the end of the day your children won't be happy if you are feeling so low. You need to think of yourself as well as your children. They are old enough to make their own decisions regarding living with their father. Perhaps a spell living with him would make them appreciate you more? I moved back to be near my parents because I was feeling so isolated that I ended up being depressed which wasn't good for my son. If it was me I would sit them all down (perhaps not the 3 year old but certainly the others) and say that you have made alot of sacrifices for them and now you need to be closer to a support network. That it is up to them if they want to come with you and they will have a home with you if they want it but that they also have the option to stay with their dad until they are ready to move. Hope this helps hunni. If you need to vent just PM me x

 

[bobblebot]

Littlekitten thank you so much...i've been beating myself up so much over this....feeling so guilty...i see my ex's getting on with their lives doing whatever they choose to do whenever and i whilst i love my kids so much.....i've given up so much to do what i thought was best for them but each time get kicked in the face with their cussing and saying they don't have this and that....when married we were very well off and their friends have brand new cars as presents when pass driving test etc, etc and i'vetried my hardest but obviously without help can'tgive them all that...besides even if i could i wouldn't...i have very wealthy friends also who wouldn't because i agree with them children can have helpbut not everything given on a plate.

Most of the time it is me and my 3 year old and the house feels like a hotel...i have for the last two years tried everything but still i get no respect and must admit to getting very depressed which isn'tlike me as i usually can cope with everything!

I have good friends but do feel very isolated without family here and know just having my parents around, which i also worry about as my dad isn'ttoo good wouyld be much better for kids. i have said they all can move but lads are so against it.

My 18 year old is very angry at me but i have even offered set her up in a flat,help her etc....but she wants a car too! I think i have spoilt my kids if i'm honest but the realisation is kicking in that i can no longer do it all on my own.

thanks for the advice it is so appreciated cos right now i feel so so guilty

 

[littlekitten8]

Sounds like your 18 year old is trying to push her luck! When I left home my parents helped me buy a few bits like pans and gave me a box of food so I wouldnt have to shop immediately but that was it! I paid my own deposit, rent and bills. And have been doing so since I was the same age as your daughter. She is lucky to have what you are offering her! I would point out that not many people even get that and that if she wants to keep pushing you then she wont even get that. May sound harsh but she wont learn how to be self sufficient if she thinks she can wring you for everything you have. From the age of 12 I was cooking meals for the whole family 2 nights per week cos my parents both worked long hours, and looking after my younger brother and sister for 2 hours after school. I was a quite mature 12 but still. I bought my own first car. My parents paid for one driving lesson and that was it. But know what? I appreciate what I have that much more cos I had to work hard to get it. Please don't feel guilty. You have tried hard to provide them with everything and its never enough. I'm afraid teenagers are generally a self centred breed lol. Not saying they all are but we all had our moments as teens hey?!

 

[bobblebot]

thanks hun...i'm like you i had to move out at 17 as parents needed work done on house and wasn't fit to live in...they paid for first driving lesson but then took over myself. I too had always look after my lil bro since 7 as parents worked o much. I'vetried alway be there for them but realise now that i have been too oft...probably overcompensated as felt bad about getting divorced from dad but tayed with him 5 yearslonger than hould have done as felt guilty about them being so little...

They just don't seem give a damn about me and its heartbreaking, i know i need a fresh start and theycan come but each needs to buck their idea up a its killing me. My lastex was an idiot who didn't deerve me but to be honest we fell out a lot about their behaviour.....on that part he was right.

I just feel that unless they buck their ideas up im doomed....lol!

thank so much

 

[bobblebot]

bye the way i was expecting to get told how awful i was

 

[littlekitten8]

You aren't doomed! They are old enough to be held responsible for their own behaviour. You need to start thinking of you and the younger ones. Its not good for the baby for you to be this stressed out darlin! They will get over it and forgive you. And if they don't then it is their loss. They will soon realise how important you are!

 

[billy2mm]

i saw my brother put my parents through hell like this.my dad kicked my brother out so many times and then let him back in. my dad even his my brother arrested when he burgled our house!

my only suggestion is to change the locks and then not give the kids a key. tell them that they need to be in by X time and if they are not back by then then they have to find somewhere else to sleep. sounds harsh but might work.

do any of the eldest 2 work? if they do tell them its either chores or its rent at the going rate in your area and they get to chose which one it is.

the younger ones give them a chore list. i had a set of chores to do every day and if i did them all i got pocket monry if not i didnt get anything and i had to go without money that week.

you are not horrible or awful you are doing the best you can with an awful situation with moody hormonal teenagers!!

btw there is a teenagers section that might have some more people who can offer better advice coz im way way far off having teenagers!