Advice please?

[November32017]

I am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my first child. I'm due November 3rd. I'm engaged to the father of my child and we are thrilled to be pregnant!! I am so grateful to experience a healthy pregnancy. With that being said I am ashamed to say that I have been feeling negative emotions as a result of my future mother in law and future sister in law. My fiance and I currently live with his mother and father. Our situation is kind of unique because we CAN absolutely afford to move out. We both work full time and dilligently pay our bills. We pay rent to his parents every month, help pay certain utilities, buy our own groceries and share our meals with them. The reason we haven't moved out, and believe me I've tried, is because his parents have made it known that they couldn't afford to get by without our help. His mother is on disability and his father draws a retirement check. They rely on the financial support that we offer by living with them. So that's just one aspect of our situation. My fiances Mother is really starting to show her true colors. She is the Mother of four sons and always wanted a daughter. When I first met my fiance his mother was so inviting, warm, and quite frankly kind of clingy. However I was flattered and really felt the love. She also made it clear to my fiance and me that she was dying to have grandchildren. We also wanted children so it was comforting to know that we had his parent's emotional support. Last September brought some bad news and I suffered a miscarriage. My Mother in law was right by my side through the whole thing. She even went to the hospital with me the day I found out because my fiance was working. I was really starting to feel close to her. All of this took a dramatic turn recently. About 8 months ago my fiances older brother announced that he had met somone and he really wanted to introduce her to the family. I was genuinely happy for him because he went through a nasty divorce a couple years ago and was having a hard time moving on. So they made their way from out of state where they live to stay with us for the weekend. The first impression I got from her was good. She seemed to be sweet, outgoing, and had a good sense of humor. My mother in law absolutely agreed. She fell in love with her from the very start. It was a great first impression. One thing that struck me as odd was that so soon after meeting her, my mother in law was encouraging her to get pregnant as well. She even asked me if I had a pregnancy test that his girlfriend could use while they were visiting. At that time they hadn't even been dating for 6 months. Is it just me or is that a little soon? After they left, my mother in law made sure to keep in contact with her, speaking with her several times a day over the phone. Fast forward a few months and I find out I'm pregnant!! Best day ever. I shared the news right away with everyone. Proudest moment of my life. About a month after finding out, I got a phone call from Jennifer, my future sister in law. She proceeded to tell me that she too was pregnant and that she was only 3 weeks behind me. I immediately gave her congratulations and was honestly stunned after hanging up the phone. I began processing the news and I realized that my mother in law must be over the moon! This is when I began to notice changes in her behavior. She began obsessing and fixating on Jennifer and her baby. She would wake up and call her to have coffee over the phone. She would go to bed and talk to her for hours on the phone. She even told me and my fiance that she couldnt afford to do a lot as far as buying for the baby, which I honestly expected and was ok with. She then shamelessly showed me the multiple online purchases she made for Jennifer and her baby. That hurt my feelings but I let it go. She even began to start calling Jennifer's baby by the name they had picked out and was stilling referring to mine as "the baby". This was annoying to me. Jennifer finally announced that they were moving out of state where they lived to be closer to us. Of course my mother in law couldnt make it happen fast enough. I was trying to be positive about it and realized that it will be wonderful for my son to be close with his cousin. But the negativity kept coming. On one occasion my mother in law informed me that my future sister in law would be moving out here without a job to start with. My fiances brother was getting a transfer from his job but money would be tight for them for awhile. My mother in law proceeded to tell me that she would be helping them with food as much as she could but she would expect me and my fiance to help too. I was completely livid. Don't get me wrong I'm all about family but I work hard for everything I have. After I've paid my bills and have paid his parents rent, I have very little left. I couldn't believe this woman expected me to take food from my fiance and myself to feed Jennifer and her family. I couldnt help it, I had to let her know that I did not agree with that. The favoritism was becoming extraordinarily clear to me and it did not feel good. I started to let my fiance know how I was feeling and he said he would talk to his mom about it. My fiance told me he talked to her about it and she told him she was very sorry. I woke up the next morning and walked into the kitchen where she was. I waited for her to initiate a conversation about it so that she could apologize to me. She said NOTHING. So finally I brought it up. She quickly tried to cut me off and assume to know how I feel by explaining away her behavior. I had to let her know this is not ok and I won't be on the losing end of her favoritism complex. I'm a grown woman and I dont need this. Especially because I go above and beyond for her. She then did something I didn't expect, she busted out in tears. I felt so bad and a ran up to her and gave her a hug. I apologized for what I said and hugged her. I really thought that after that dramatic interaction, all of that nonsense would be behind us. I was wrong again. It has continued and it will always be this way. So now I've just distanced myself from them emotionally. Its actually gotten even worse since they moved out here. Not only is my mother in laws behavior disappointing but now my sister in law is being petty. She knows my mother in law puts her on a pedestal and she thrives on that. She just recently tried to convince everyone that her due date is wrong because the period she reported to her doctor was really only spotting. My mother in law was totally convinced too. According to her calculations her due date should be roughly a week before mine. She went to her OB to convince him. Actually her new due date is just a week sooner than it was before. I'm still due before her by two weeks. I just can't believe how delusional these women are!!! These toxic relationships are killing my pregnancy vibes. I know I can't control their behavior and I can only control my reaction to it but its hurting me so bad. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to remember my first pregnancy this way. Am I wrong? Any advice?

 

[Talia12]

I'm so sorry to read about all this. Family/in-law relationships can be SO difficult (believe me I know!!) This really takes the biscuit for unfairness.
I think if I were you, I would talk to your MIL, but go down the route of being hurt, rather than angry (which you totally are and should be!!) You'll probably get a more favourable reaction from her if you basically turn on the waterworks...! (Or if not cry, then at least make it clear/seem you are sad rather than pissed)
You could say to her, at the beginning you were so excited about our baby and now I feel like you're much more excited about Jennifer's baby - you even bought her baby things online but haven't bought ours anything (of course, this is really a point about what a major pisstake that is when a lot of your MIL's "income" comes from you, but if you frame it from a hurt point of view it won't sound that way), and you seem to want me and [your fiancé] to spend money on Jennifer when we work really hard so that we can help YOU out, not her.... etc, etc... basically make your points but in such a way that it sounds like you're just sad rather than angry. I might sound really manipulative and cynical, but it's not that it's just that I've always learnt that these kinds of situations go down better when I act hurt even when what I really am is (rightfully, like you) angry.
She might have told your fiancé she was sorry when he talked to her, but maybe actually it got her back up - you/him being mad at her will only put her on the defensive, you need to act more hurt instead and then she will hopefully react differently.
Everyone's family is different and it can be so so difficult and complicated and then you have someone breeze in and say "simple - just move out!" when you know it's just not as simple as that. That's why I haven't suggested it, even though I desperately wish for your sake that you could move out!
I've had so many people say to me things like "simple - just tell your mum" and I always want to scream no that's NOT simple, haha. We might all be adults but that doesn't mean we can do what we want without negotiating some extremely tricky waters. Come here to vent whenever!! We care WAY more about your baby than Jennifer's!!!

 

[Daisies11]

If you can afford it, I'd use the opportunity of your baby being on the way to move out. You can explain that you want your own family home and for your in laws to take the more traditional grandparent roles, rather than them feeling obliged to take bigger roles because they are living in the same house as the baby.

I know it's hard and you wouldn't want them to struggle financially, but things can't be that much of a struggle for them money wise if she's managing to spend money on Jennifer & her son.

Sometimes in life you need to be selfish. Some people will take and take if given the opportunity and your MIL sounds like that is what she's doing!

 

[KatO79]

My first thought that perhaps your MIL and SIL just are a better fit in terms of personality, maybe they share more common interests? Either way, your MIL shouldn't be making it so obvious, especially when you and your OH are helping her and your FIL financially.

Also do any of of your OH's other brothers have daughters and is your SIL expecting a girl? That may make your SIL's baby in that way more exciting for your MIL. But still if that's the case, your MIL shouldn't be making her favoritism this obvious either.

I'd personally move either way. I don't think living with ILs is good for the daughter or son-in-law's relationship with them. If they can't afford to live where they do then they're living beyond their means and should find a smaller apartment/house. You shouldn't feel obligated to stay with them because of money. Although if your MIL can afford to make so many online purchases, things can't be that bad for them. I also feel them saying they need you to stay because they can't afford to live is bordering on emotional manipulation. AS said, if they can't afford to stay where they live than they should find a new place as well.

As for your MIL expecting you and your OH to help his brother and new wife/girlfriend financially, I'd be clear that you are willing to help them in ways that you can but you simply don't have the money to contribute, especially now that you're expecting a baby as well. If she gets upset, oh well!

I honestly think that staying with your ILs will just lead to lots of hurt feelings and a potentially toxic environment for your son since your MIL can't seem to hide who her favorite daughter-in-law is. She may well continue this once the babies are born by spoiling your SIL's child and not giving your son much and if she does, at least you can spare your son's feelings for most of it if you aren't living with your MIL.

 

[Koifish]

I know it's not easy but I'd have a good sit down chat with your SO first and let him know how you feel and that your MIL apology clearly did nothing and seems she didn't mean it. I'd explain that you are not comfortable living there and that you'd like to have a place of your own for your family. Explain how this can be a toxic environment for your son once he is born as it's possible your MIL will make clear who her favorite grandchild is and spare him that by not living there where it's so obvious. Explain how it's becoming toxic to you and try to get him on board or have a plan before approaching MIL. I understand you not wanting to leave as they need you but I agree it sounds manipulative and if they can drop money on SIL/BIL that way then clearly they have extra money(or more then enough from your and SO support). I agree if you leave and they can't afford or it then they need to down size or ask other family members to move in or help out, the burden shouldn't solely be on the two of you especially when expecting a baby. If other family can't help out that is not on you two and not your burden. I know that it's not easy nor that simple but I wouldn't take that from MIL especially if she can have spare money to drop on those purchases. I understand it's not simple or easy but you need to put your family first and you need your SO to have your back on that. You work hard and you should be able to use or spend what you want for your baby and family. I am sorry your going through this but I really hope you both are able to break away from her and do what makes you happy!

 

[laura109]

Omg how frustrating for you. Its your partners family though so you need to tell him your feelings and ideally he needs to tell hos mum you both wish to get your own place. Family life is hectic. You will want your own space for lots of reasons. Babies and children have alot of stuff. They make mess and noise lol. You will want to find your own way to live once the baby is here. A routine that works for you and your little family. You may start to feel overwhelmed trying to raise your family in someone elses space.
Secondly its a little different but I sympathise because my partners parents have been particularly favouring towards his sister. Basically i got pregnant 3 months after my sister in law had successful ivf. My in
Laws moved to her village when they retired as the babies approached being one. We basically we're forgotten about. She got everything. I literally have had no help pr support from anyone with my daughter. My parents never have been the sort to offer to babysit once a month etc. my in laws theory is your family are near you so we help our daughter. But before they moved they never asked us what help we may get. I have gotten used to the fact my daughter has no family that actually spend time with her. Its down to me to chase my parents. I do have days when my house is a mess and im worn out and I start getting angry that my dd never gets picked up by family to give me a break. I vow that ill help my kids out when they ate older because i know how hard it is knowing you have no support. My sister in law gets her 5 bedroomed house cleaned by her mum every week. She gets every Wednesdays childcare covered by her mum. Her dogs get looked after at weekends by her mum so she can go out yet here i am with bedrooms to decorate and washing up to my eyeballs and windows with smears all over them from my toddler. Im also 17 weeks pregnant and i know that nobody will help me out even with two babies. Im supposed to be resting as ive had bleeds but how can i? So my advice to you is if they arnt helping you or supporting you then focus on yourself. U dont deserve the stress and congratulations on your baby xx

 

[DobbyForever]

Just want to say I second everyone. Especially Daisie. I can't relate because my MIL hates me and my SIL is not having kids. I also just give zero poops about it because I'm super close to my family, so I've never felt a driving urge to be loved and doted on by in laws. People like me or they don't, and if they don't then their loss. I hope you can figure it out! But I agree moving out sounds good and obviously she can make money happen when she wants to if she's splurging on your SIL.

 

[BrendaJ]

If I too may add my 2 cents, I'd like to suggest moving. I understand and do realize the financial difficulties that would arise for your in laws, but you also have to realize that if you don't do it now, your relationship with your in laws could be irreparably damaged!! I know from personal experience... I moved out just in the nick of time. Now, our relationship is thriving! Sometimes, all we need is some distance. Doesn't have to be a large one, just enough to gain a sense of independence and true privacy.

Speak to your fiancé and be completely honest about your feelings, ask him what are his thoughts and try to at least find a solution quick or otherwise this could also affect your relationship with him due to the stress. I know I was really close to getting divorced because I was very stressed and my husband didn't stand up for me. We're in a much better place and it's been 10 years since those incidents strained our marriage. My point is, take action quickly before it gets out of hand. Best of luck!

 

[HappiestMom]

I'm agreeing with everyone else. Move!!!!! You will regret it later if you don't and the last thing you want is your pregnancy memories and newborn memories tainted by all the in law drama and BS. If she can afford clothes and stuff for the other new baby then they aren't that bad off. It will also hurt your relationship with DH too more than likely. We've had inlaw drama from his parents and I've had to be firm about stuff. It's hard but better now than later for sure!!!

 

[nduati]

God! i would move out and let the sister and law move in!!! your chance for freedom!

 

[sbl]

I can't imagine living with my mil. Can I ask why you guys are living there? If you can afford it I would definitely get out of her house.
Her actions will bother you less when you're not under her roof.

 

[MindUtopia]

Like others have said, I think you need to focus on you and your own little family and extract yourself from this situation. People do play favourites and you can't control that, even if it's wrong. I'm definitely the black sheep daughter in law and my MIL is much closer to my SIL than to me, partly because she is just much nicer and sweeps a lot under the rug and doesn't call them on their crap like I do (BIL, SIL's partner, is a bit more like me and for a long time he was very much the black sheep of the family too, so it's nothing personal and has a lot more to do with their own dysfunction and not mine). It's also partly because SIL/BIL don't have children and we do and the strife has been caused by MIL and her partner's dangerous behaviour in regards to our daughter, longer story than I have time to tell, but basically, we've decided for now that they'll no longer have a relationship because it isn't safe for our daughter, so pretty serious stuff. But they hate me especially because I'm the one who really put my foot down and wouldn't just pretend it wasn't a problem like everyone else has. Anyway, I don't take it personally as I know I'm doing the right thing and the best thing for our family and that they are seriously dysfunctional and out of touch with reality. The point being though is there will always be favourites and you can't take it personally, even if it's wrong and it really sucks.

I think the bigger issue though is you are clearly being taken advantage of. It's a shame that your MIL/FIL are unable to support themselves without your help, but they're adults. They need to consider doing what all of us adults do in that sort of situation and that's reducing their expenses: getting a smaller house that's less expensive, selling off any things lying around they could make some extra money from, cutting down on bills and any unnecessary expenses, seeking out any government benefits they might be eligible for, etc. Similarly, your BIL and SIL are also grown. If they can't afford to move, they shouldn't be moving. They should be staying where they are where they can have stable jobs and are more financially secure. I think if your MIL wants to help them financially (while at the same time not expecting you to pay her bills for her), then fine. Certainly, our parents have helped us for short periods of time when we needed it. But it's irresponsible to move, give up your job, not be able to afford to live because of it, all while having a baby, and expecting everyone else to buy your groceries. It sounds like they are both taking you for a ride. I would put your foot down, set up firm boundaries of what you will and won't do, and give MIL a deadline of when you plan to move out so they can figure out how they'll manage on their own. Having a baby is so stressful under the best of circumstances. You will seriously want this to be sorted before baby comes along or else it's going to be torturous living there. Those first weeks and months are precious and you shouldn't let anyone else ruin that for you.