Am I in the wrong?

[Teri7489]

Sorry for the post, just looking for advice...

Essentially there's me, hubby and our 2 kids. Hubby's family live 450 miles away and well, are awful anyway so we don't see them. My family are my parents, 2 sisters, brother and his wife plus 3 children plus my grandad and lots of aunts uncles and cousins.

My husband works 45 hours a week and I work agency night shift so it's pretty lonely at home. I used to visit my parents at weekend but since my dad works long hours he was really quite short with the kids and last time we were there he loudly screamed in my daughter face to shut up as she was crying. I stopped going there and told my mum if she wanted to see the kids she was welcome at the house. There were no arguments or that, just I simply stopped going back. I asked my older sister to have my kids several times and she never got back to me but in January I begged her to have them so hubby and I could have a valentines date (we have had a total of 6 hours date time in 18 month) she agreed and spoke to me 3 times about it saying it wasn't a problem. This weekend came when it was all planned, and this weekend went . I still haven't heard from her about it. not an apology, not an explanation. nothing! I had a very upset little girl who thought she was going to see her auntie and it didn't happen again! I spoke to my mum about it who said "well why did you tell her about it" as if I was my fault, like I should have kept it a secret expecting to be let down. then she made me feel awful because she has been ttc with trouble and being around kids is hard. I get that, I really do but a simple message would have been nice.

I've decided to just have no more contact now. if they come to see my kids then I won't be rude, I won't ignore the phone either but I'm not making any more effort. I just wonder if that's wrong for the kids sake? I've only lister a few things but it's been many things over the past year or two and I've finally snapped. tell me if I'm being unreasonable and just blinded by anger xxx

 

[MindUtopia]

Until you've spoken with her I wouldn't be too quick to judge. To be honest, these sound like slightly minor incidents (your dad screaming at your daughter is something I would take more seriously, but I wouldn't cut off contact just for that). I think maybe you might need to rise above it a bit and try to keep the doors open for the sake of your children and also your parents if you don't want to cause family drama longterm. It honestly might be that she just forgot. It might be she had a mc or something horrible that day if she is ttc. You never know until you talk to her.

We're in a position where we have cut off all future contact with one set of grandparents (my husband's step-father turned out to have a history of child sexual abuse, which he has been to prison for, and MIL supports him and is not supportive of our wish for him to have no contact with our daughter, not be given information, photos, etc. of her). That I think is serious stuff. It's about keeping a child safe and it's probably a smart reason to cut off contact with a family member. But cutting someone out of your life and your child's life sucks. It rips my heart out every time our daughter asks about them and why she hasn't seen them and if she could call them and when are we going to go visit them? If you can avoid having to go through that, do what you can to heal the rift. Maybe make some time to see your sister and have lunch and a chat. This sort of stuff can't easily be undone once it's been done without a lot of pain on both sides.

That doesn't mean you should sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened. She should have called you (just like any babysitter should have). It's not very responsible or thoughtful. But until you understand why she didn't, I wouldn't rush to judgement. Could you mum help you to all get together and talk on neutral ground? Also, I wouldn't avoid visiting your parent's house. Maybe you just need to pick a better time to visit or do it when your dad isn't so tired or maybe you need to have a serious talk with him about his behaviour, but I would still keep that option open rather than closing the door too quickly unless you have genuine concerns that he is showing a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse. That is just coming from my perspective of having gone through the experience of cutting off one set of grandparents. It's really painful. It's easy to do when you are angry and even to this day I don't regret the decision, it was the right one to make, but it still really, really sucks and complicates so many things later in life that you just can't easily anticipate when you first do it.

 

[Teri7489]

Thanks for you reply. We used to visit every Saturday and every week my dad spent the entire time complaining, moaning, and getting short with the kids so made us all uncomfortable. He works long hours every week and gets the weekend off so a Saturday is the only day I can visit them. if I waited for him to visit us, it would never happen. He has since done the same to my nieces and my brother has made the decision not to go back there. He doesn't just shout, he roars like an animal and terrifies the children.

With regards to my sister, she didn't forget she went out to a party and was hungover on the Saturday. She managed to cancel plans with my mum for slimming class but didn't cancel plans with me. It's so ignorant. I try all the time to make plans with her, constantly try to have family time, one to one, coffee after work, dinner. I always just get the same 'yeah that sounds good answer" but nothing ever comes of it. I tried to speak to my mum but she wasn't interested. I don't mean cut off all contact, delete numbers, never speak to them again but I just mean I'm making no more effort. I just have tried and tried and I feel like I am forcing my children in their lives but they are rejecting them. Right now they are litrle and don't understand but soon they will and I don't want that to happen

Sorry for your horrible experience too! That's the reason my husbands family arent in contact with us. My husband uncle was a paedophile who we reported to the police. The whole family supported him and not us so we no longer have anything to do with them x

 

[gingmg]

I'm sorry that happened. I had a hard time conceiving so I understand it can be difficult to be around other people's children, but she shouldn't have said yes if that was the case. I would have been mad too, especially without the curtesy of informing you she couldn't do it or had changed her mind. I can also understand needing some time to cool off from being mad at her, but I wouldn't cut communication or ties for that. Maybe once you've had some time from it you will feel different.

 

[gingmg]

I just read your other reply and I can understand wanting to take some space from the situation and not put so much time and energy into something that you aren't getting in return. Sounds like your sister needs to grow up a little.

 

[BabyGirl999]

Were you not in contact with your sister on the day of the babysitting to make plans, like texting 'Be over soon' or anything? Was she to come to your house and she just didn't turn up?

 

[2have4kids]

My sister is as big a flake as it gets. She's always ranting about something I've done and cutting off our relationship so I've come to accept that she doesn't wish to be a staple in my girls lives and have enlisted a mutual friend of ours to be in our living will and last will & testament should something happens to us. The last issue with my sis happened 3 weeks ago right after my twins birth where mom told me my sister was a twin placenta and so I asked her if she knew this. She jumped on me for telling her as she wanted mom to tell her and I haven't heard from her since (neither has my mother). Wtf! Anyways, leave the drama with your family, get a good babysitter ie at the local pool (the girls there will not only have experience with children they'll have 1st aid & cpr). And create some space from your family. Why would you want to expose your children to these people anyway? You have to protect your kids from 1. Your abusive dad, and 2. Your emotionally unstable sister. And yes, by her abandonment of your date night and being a babysitter and aunt to your child, this is what it is, abandonment = emotionally unstable.
You have the right to be upset, you should convey that to your sister and then move on. Don't expect her to change, don't give her a second chance, these are your children and why would you put them through an emotional roller coaster? Our DD loves her babysitter and has a good relationship with her and her god mother. This is far more valuable to us and her than an aunt who's clearly all about her own selfish needs. As we cross bridges we lose / gain friends, you crossed the bridge with children to care for now go out there and find relationships that benefit you & your family

 

[Teri7489]

I tried phoning her the two days before, messaged her the day before and tried to phone her on the day of but her phone was off. I know she got the message as it was on all on Facebook messenger so did she see them, she knows I know she's seen them. I've recently applied for a new job so have been looking around for a baby sitter. My daughter starts nursery in August so would like to get them in both in to a babysitter together for a little while. Even if I don't get the new job at least I know I can happily leave my son with a babysitter while my daughter is at nursery. it's quite sad to think I have to pay someone to take my kids when I have a family (I know plenty people do for work time which is different) just feels very odd that in order to have any time just with my husband I have to pay someone to.care for my children. at least I know they will be cares for I suppose xxx

 

[2have4kids]

I tried phoning her the two days before, messaged her the day before and tried to phone her on the day of but her phone was off. I know she got the message as it was on all on Facebook messenger so did she see them, she knows I know she's seen them. I've recently applied for a new job so have been looking around for a baby sitter. My daughter starts nursery in August so would like to get them in both in to a babysitter together for a little while. Even if I don't get the new job at least I know I can happily leave my son with a babysitter while my daughter is at nursery. it's quite sad to think I have to pay someone to take my kids when I have a family (I know plenty people do for work time which is different) just feels very odd that in order to have any time just with my husband I have to pay someone to.care for my children. at least I know they will be cares for I suppose xxx

To me, it feels good knowing I'm taking the high ground paying for a babysitter (now with the twins we need 2 people to take care of 3 infants) than playing games with my adolescent 39 year old sister. You should feel happy to provide a stable environment for your children! Congratulate yourself for being independant & responsible. The more happiness you provide for your children the more you'll get back from those positive experiences ie going out on your date night and having a great sitter for your child. By choosing not to expose your child to family drama, ups, & downs you get your date night, LO gets a fun night & maybe pizza with the sitter. It was always fun for us, the only downside for you is you can't save a few bucks and your expectations of your sister haven't gone your way. Let that go and find alternative ways to get your needs met.

 

[CRWx]

That would really annoy me if it was my sister! It doesn't take two seconds to say to you 'oh I can't make it tonight because of xyz' and even though her not coming was avoidable, at least it would shine some light on the situation.

We have my niece occasionally over night (same age as DD) and I would never dream of just not replying to my SIL if I couldn't have her! I'd tell her well in advance and apologise profusely, not not bother and leave it floating in the ethos it's as though she doesn't seem particularly bothered which would really bother me!

 

[Teri7489]

That's what is getting to me the most, she isn't bothered in the slightest. She was fine to have a night out so clearly wasn't unwell. Fine to post on Facebook about her antics at the staff party on the Saturday and talk to her colleagues about her hangover and as far as I'm aware has had 3 days in work now yet still hasn't phoned or messaged to explain. I was initially so mad but now I'm uust sad about it all. I rarely see my nieces and nephew as my brother and sil work lots so rely on child minders and times work out awkward. So having my sister see them was nice but it has been so long now that it's silly now. A new toddler group starts near us next month and I'm going to try my daughter back at her dance class this week to their can socialise a bit. Maybe I will make some friends too xx

 

[CRWx]

It's so frustrating and like you said, really sad. Sorry that she's been like that, hopefully she'll realise that she's ultimately really quite selfish and by then it'll be too late.

I hope getting back into dance class goes well and that the toddler group means you can make some lovely mummy friends!

 

[SarahBear]

I didn't read beyond the first post, but if this is the general pattern, I wouldn't reach out anymore either. First of all, it's one thing to slip up and apologize and then make efforts to change. It's another to make a habit of snapping at kids. I wouldn't reach out to a grandparent either if they were screaming in my kid's face.

In terms of your sister, I would only let my kid be let down so many times before not initiating either.