Am I Justified....?

[Lizzy444]

Lately, I've been pretty frustrated with my immediate family and I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel this way. I don't really know anyone outside of these forums who is in this position, so am hoping someone here can help me figure this out

My immediate family - 3 sisters and parents - knows that we've been TTC for quite a while. One sister has 3 kids. One has a step child and has been TTC for a while (although by her own admission doesn't know if she wants a biological child, b/c she's afraid of labor and delivery) - they are working toward adopting. The other sister has a 3 week old baby.

Obviously, this whole LTTC thing is quite difficult for me (on our 18th cycle, 7 of them medicated), but my sister having a baby makes it even more difficult. We don't talk much...I've hidden her FB posts...etc.

What is bothering me is that my family is pretty much ignoring my feelings. No, "how are you?" Almost no support. It seems like they just want to ignore that I'm struggling. And my dad, after my sister gave birth, said he was doing "much better" as he doesn't like to see "his girls" in pain. Of course that upset me, as I'm in quite a bit of pain...just a different kind.

So, am I justified in wanting to have almost nothing to do with any of them? Am I justified in practically dreading spending time with them at the holidays? Am I being a jerk? Someone, please....anything?

Thanks for reading...if you made it this far

 

[readyformore]

Lately, I've been pretty frustrated with my immediate family and I'm wondering if I'm wrong to feel this way. I don't really know anyone outside of these forums who is in this position, so am hoping someone here can help me figure this out

My immediate family - 3 sisters and parents - knows that we've been TTC for quite a while. One sister has 3 kids. One has a step child and has been TTC for a while (although by her own admission doesn't know if she wants a biological child, b/c she's afraid of labor and delivery) - they are working toward adopting. The other sister has a 3 week old baby.

Obviously, this whole LTTC thing is quite difficult for me (on our 18th cycle, 7 of them medicated), but my sister having a baby makes it even more difficult. We don't talk much...I've hidden her FB posts...etc.

What is bothering me is that my family is pretty much ignoring my feelings. No, "how are you?" Almost no support. It seems like they just want to ignore that I'm struggling. And my dad, after my sister gave birth, said he was doing "much better" as he doesn't like to see "his girls" in pain. Of course that upset me, as I'm in quite a bit of pain...just a different kind.

So, am I justified in wanting to have almost nothing to do with any of them? Am I justified in practically dreading spending time with them at the holidays? Am I being a jerk? Someone, please....anything?

Thanks for reading...if you made it this far

Whatever your feelings are, they are justified. Period. It is okay to feel negatively about your family. And wanting to hide is normal while ltttc. It's self preservation.

I doubt that your family is hurting your feelings on purpose.

I have found that people are pretty much clueless about ltttc. They just can't relate to the burning desire to have a baby and then the inability to achieve it.
They don't understand or just don't know what to say. They may not even know that they have hurt your feelings.

 

[midg08]

When I broke down and finally told my mom my Dh and I had been ttc for over 3 years (at the time... now 4 1/2) she was very rude about it. My DH and I rent, we don't own a house, we make decent $$ but we don't have a large savings. She flat out told me we didn't need a child so it was for the best. My dh and I are both 29. I was so mad at her. I cried for days. Then I realized that my mom was my mom and she was just trying to say what she thought was best, not what i wanted to hear. Its been forgotten since then. I think that family wants to be supportive but they don't really know what to say. They are scared to hurt your feelings by saying one thing but hurt them by ignoring or doing nothing, even saying the opposite of what they should say.
Best of luck on your TTC journey.

 

[nevernormal]

Most of the time, when people post an "Am I justified?" rant, I tend to agree that the people they are describing are unfair, selfish, and cruel. I don't really see that in your family.

Maybe they just don't know what to say. I do think that people who haven't gone through LTTTC will never really grasp how heartbreaking it is, but even if they can recognize that it is painful for you, how would they know what to say?

A lot of women on here complain that once they tell family/friends that they are ttc, those people won't leave them alone and every time they see them ask "So, any good news?" or something along those lines. You think it's painful for them to "ignore" your situation, but if they were constantly bringing it up and/or flaunting it you would probably find that insensitive as well.

Maybe, just maybe, they sit around and ask each other "Why is Lizzy ignoring us? She didn't seem the least bit happy for us when the baby was born" or "Do we HAVE to Lizzy for the holidays? She's such a downer, always bringing the conversation back to her and her problems. What an attention hog!" or "If Lizzy comes she'll just be in a bad mood the whole time because of her problems. What can we say to help or encourage her?"

My mom asks me occasionally how I'm doing, but she never had trouble getting pregnant and she doesn't really get what I'm going through. Sometimes the things she says/suggests make me go "WHAT???", but I remind myself it's not intentional, she's doing the best she knows how. My sister will probably start TTC in the next 6 months, and I don't think she'll have any issues getting pg and she's always had a cycle like my mom's, they even both started at the same age. So when/if she gets pregnant before me and there is a lot of excitement/attention about that, does that give me a right to get mad because the attention was taken off of me? No way!

I've had 2 friends give birth this past year, and sometimes, yes, it is hard to be around them, but I am still happy for them and make a concious effort to not get stuck in a vicious cycle of self-pity. I have a ways to go, but I want to be content no matter what my situation, and also not allow my situation bring a shadow over the joy and blessings in others' lives.

 

[cooch]

Well, your feelings are yours and they are partly down to the way your being treated and not considered and partly down to the whole crappy situation you are in- which isn't fair. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone on here and here is where you and many of us will get our best levels of support.

Families can be insensitive but a lot of the time its not deliberate. TTC is for people who have problems is not a big thing to those who cannot relate. They cannot imagine how it feels and they don't tend to think of it as serious as- they cannot relate. I think you should speak to your parents, wording it carefully though as you can't blame your sis for recently having a baby (not that you would). They perhaps don't have a clue as to how bad things are, how awful and stressed you feel either.

If it makes you feel better or less stressed to have a break form seeing people then that's your business. I cannot bear to be around pregnant women, babies or people who are now too interested in our struggles, I'm choosing to stay away from those people. However, just staying away from them won't fix how you feel towards the situation and that's why I think you should speak to your parents (or you mum).

 

[cooch]

Most of the time, when people post an "Am I justified?" rant, I tend to agree that the people they are describing are unfair, selfish, and cruel. I don't really see that in your family.

Maybe they just don't know what to say. I do think that people who haven't gone through LTTTC will never really grasp how heartbreaking it is, but even if they can recognize that it is painful for you, how would they know what to say?

A lot of women on here complain that once they tell family/friends that they are ttc, those people won't leave them alone and every time they see them ask "So, any good news?" or something along those lines. You think it's painful for them to "ignore" your situation, but if they were constantly bringing it up and/or flaunting it you would probably find that insensitive as well.

Maybe, just maybe, they sit around and ask each other "Why is Lizzy ignoring us? She didn't seem the least bit happy for us when the baby was born" or "Do we HAVE to Lizzy for the holidays? She's such a downer, always bringing the conversation back to her and her problems. What an attention hog!" or "If Lizzy comes she'll just be in a bad mood the whole time because of her problems. What can we say to help or encourage her?"

My mom asks me occasionally how I'm doing, but she never had trouble getting pregnant and she doesn't really get what I'm going through. Sometimes the things she says/suggests make me go "WHAT???", but I remind myself it's not intentional, she's doing the best she knows how. My sister will probably start TTC in the next 6 months, and I don't think she'll have any issues getting pg and she's always had a cycle like my mom's, they even both started at the same age. So when/if she gets pregnant before me and there is a lot of excitement/attention about that, does that give me a right to get mad because the attention was taken off of me? No way!

I've had 2 friends give birth this past year, and sometimes, yes, it is hard to be around them, but I am still happy for them and make a concious effort to not get stuck in a vicious cycle of self-pity. I have a ways to go, but I want to be content no matter what my situation, and also not allow my situation bring a shadow over the joy and blessings in others' lives.

What can I say about the above post---
I admire that you're able to distance your feelings so well that you can genuinely be happy for other people without feeling resentment. This is a place I am striving to get to, however, its a long way off.

Also, people who are not as clear thinking about their situation need to be able to take care of themselves in as best a way as they can. Your a very big person not to be stuck with the self pity (I'm not meaning to be condescending- honestly) but a lot of people on here are (me inc.) need to be understood by those feeling similar thoughts in similar situations.

The above post represents what all of us LTTC want to feel, but are so hurt it isn't always possible. I hope we all get round to your way of thinking and get our healthy babies.

 

[nevernormal]

Cooch, I do want to point out that I did say that it's still hard for me sometimes, and that I have a ways to go. But I also do make a very concious effort to be happy for others who are pregnant --- it's kind of that "if you smile when you don't feel like it, you can actually lift your mood" type of thing. The action is so associated with the feelings, it helps you along

But yeah, I definitely struggle. My best friend and her DH got accidently pregnant the EXACT cycle that DH and I started TTC. Seriously, our due dates would've been 1 day apart. I love their little girl, but every time I see them I think about that. But I wouldn't want someone to drag me down/be bitter about my children if the situation were reversed, so I make an effort to not let myself fall into that trap.

Also, to the OP -- I was not saying that your feelings aren't valid. You obviously feel very strongly on this issue, but from other family situations over the years I've learned that I can only control MY actions and responses. And also, again, they may just be doing the best they knew how. I was very hurt/angry/bitter towards my father until I realized that the way he parented me is very similar to how his mother parented him -- we all have similar personalities. But he did/was doing his best. My feelings were still valid, but I couldn't change my father, I could only change myself and the way I was responding to him.
And again, I still struggle with this issue sometimes... I don't know that it ever "ends", but when it's all said and done the only person you end up hurting is usually yourself. There will never be a lightbulb moment when you can just completely change how you feel, but recognizing that negativity is an important step into changing.

 

[Lizzy444]

Thank you all (minus nevernormal) for the thoughts and support.

I do agree that they are not intentionally hurting me (that most people don't intentionally hurt any of us), and I totally know there is a balance (not asking at all vs. asking all of the time). I'm sure they don't know what to say, but for me, I'd love to just hear "I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you."

In addition to my sister, several friends have had babies in the past several months. I've been supportive. I've visited the hospital, given gifts, sent texts, and babysat. I think I hide well how I'm really feeling, but I'm sick of acting like everything is fine when it is not.

Again, thank you to all who understand for helping me sort through this

 

[Mrs. Owen]

I am SO going through this right now... when you said you were hiding your sister's FB posts and things like that, I just thought..OMG, this is exactly the point I am at!! My younger sister got pregnant by accident by a guy she had known for 2 months, and her baby is due in December. My husband and I have been TTC ever since we got married in June 2010. We just found out last week that his sperm counts are low, so that has definitely got us down.

This is the first grandbaby in our family, so of course my parents are EXTREMELY excited. And of course, I AM excited too..I can't wait to have a nephew, and I'm very happy for my sister and love her to death. The thing I just don't get is...HOW in the world is that fair?!?! How is it fair that 2 people who are responsible and READY for this to happen can't get pregnant, but people who barely know each other get pregnant by ACCIDENT?!?! UGH! I realize this post has taken a very negative turn..I've just been having a REALLY hard time dealing w/ this since we found out about DH's SA. I just feel so lost.

However, I CAN'T blame my family for shoving the baby stuff down my throat all the time, because I haven't told them that we are having TTC issues. They know we want a baby, and are wondering why it's taking so long..but I just don't have the heart to tell them what's REALLY going on. Especially right now when everyone is so happy about my sister's baby. I know I have been more distant from my family over the past few weeks because of this, and I HATE that, because we have always been so close. It's just so heartbreaking to be around them when the ONLY thing anyone is talking about is the new baby that will be here soon. I love them all w/ all my heart...but right now, I'm just hurting.

So anyways...really I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but in the end, I think it will all be worth our wait. Good luck to you girl.

 

[midg08]

I am SO going through this right now... when you said you were hiding your sister's FB posts and things like that, I just thought..OMG, this is exactly the point I am at!! My younger sister got pregnant by accident by a guy she had known for 2 months, and her baby is due in December. My husband and I have been TTC ever since we got married in June 2010. We just found out last week that his sperm counts are low, so that has definitely got us down.

This is the first grandbaby in our family, so of course my parents are EXTREMELY excited. And of course, I AM excited too..I can't wait to have a nephew, and I'm very happy for my sister and love her to death. The thing I just don't get is...HOW in the world is that fair?!?! How is it fair that 2 people who are responsible and READY for this to happen can't get pregnant, but people who barely know each other get pregnant by ACCIDENT?!?! UGH! I realize this post has taken a very negative turn..I've just been having a REALLY hard time dealing w/ this since we found out about DH's SA. I just feel so lost.

However, I CAN'T blame my family for shoving the baby stuff down my throat all the time, because I haven't told them that we are having TTC issues. They know we want a baby, and are wondering why it's taking so long..but I just don't have the heart to tell them what's REALLY going on. Especially right now when everyone is so happy about my sister's baby. I know I have been more distant from my family over the past few weeks because of this, and I HATE that, because we have always been so close. It's just so heartbreaking to be around them when the ONLY thing anyone is talking about is the new baby that will be here soon. I love them all w/ all my heart...but right now, I'm just hurting.

So anyways...really I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but in the end, I think it will all be worth our wait. Good luck to you girl.

You know what, I totally agree with you. And its not just the people who go out and get prego by someone they barely know... How about all those people who are drug addicts and Alcoholics. I don't do drugs, I don't drink except socially from time to time. Maybe if I become a druggie I can get knocked up too?
Sorry to rant, but its going on 5 years of ttc. I know how you all feel about being jealous and Nevernormal, I wish I could be the way you are about all this. I hate people who have babies. My Lil cousin is going to b 18 she has two babies. . . under 3. My lil sister in law, is only 17 and just had a baby. My cousin was kind enough to tell me that her and her dh were trying before they started because she knew my position. She also called me and told me before she told any of the rest of the family so I heard it from her not thru the grapevine. For that I am grateful but I still find my self mad at her because she has 2 babies under 4 now. Its not fair to them, but none of this is fair to any of us. We didn't ask to have problems ttc.
Its hard. And when family is insensitive it doesn't help matters any. But whats worse is the people who don't know you are lttc, who are prego or just had a baby or are looking to have a baby and they wanna know when you are gonna finally decide to have another little one (or a little one if its your first). That hurts to because you have been trying.
Another thing, my first ds who is 7, had a lot of medical issues and spent time in the NICU. I want to hold my baby with out wires and to have a real chance to breast feed.
Its just depressing.
sorry.

 

[cooch]

I am SO going through this right now... when you said you were hiding your sister's FB posts and things like that, I just thought..OMG, this is exactly the point I am at!! My younger sister got pregnant by accident by a guy she had known for 2 months, and her baby is due in December. My husband and I have been TTC ever since we got married in June 2010. We just found out last week that his sperm counts are low, so that has definitely got us down.

This is the first grandbaby in our family, so of course my parents are EXTREMELY excited. And of course, I AM excited too..I can't wait to have a nephew, and I'm very happy for my sister and love her to death. The thing I just don't get is...HOW in the world is that fair?!?! How is it fair that 2 people who are responsible and READY for this to happen can't get pregnant, but people who barely know each other get pregnant by ACCIDENT?!?! UGH! I realize this post has taken a very negative turn..I've just been having a REALLY hard time dealing w/ this since we found out about DH's SA. I just feel so lost.

However, I CAN'T blame my family for shoving the baby stuff down my throat all the time, because I haven't told them that we are having TTC issues. They know we want a baby, and are wondering why it's taking so long..but I just don't have the heart to tell them what's REALLY going on. Especially right now when everyone is so happy about my sister's baby. I know I have been more distant from my family over the past few weeks because of this, and I HATE that, because we have always been so close. It's just so heartbreaking to be around them when the ONLY thing anyone is talking about is the new baby that will be here soon. I love them all w/ all my heart...but right now, I'm just hurting.

So anyways...really I just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but in the end, I think it will all be worth our wait. Good luck to you girl.

I actually deleted sil after her 'accident'. It was announced when I was at my lowest and I mean low. We have no contact which is kind of normal anyway- its not nasty just we have nothing in common and live continents apart. I had previously made an effort with her for her not to reciprocate. I just don't have time for crap.

Anyway I totally get the whole- sick of putting on a brave face and not showing feelings. Its our time. DH said there was no justice in our situation and fil commented - what do you call justice. Ha has however apologised since as DH had it out with them. I am also convinced its nothing to do with GOD. If it were the good people wouldn't have to suffer, God has put us here to make the best of things and hopefully guide us through it. Its the man made world and developments that have impacted our situations but will also hopefully aid us in our beautiful healthy babies xx

 

[Armywife84]

You can't have a firm control on your feelings, thoughts at all times. When you're facing LTTC, your thoughts just run haywire! At times, we can't help the sadness, envy, and frustrations, and loneliness. It's hard facing this journey with no one on our families (even friends) who can relate! Also, it's extremely hard to be happy for EVERY pregnant woman, it's just not possible. There's way too many. I think we're entitled to feel however we please. You can't keep your composure 24-7...there's times when you just need to break down and bawl your eyes out.

As far as the family goes, I believe that they don't what to say to you to make you feel better and they're unaware of just scary infertility (LTTC) can be. It's so taboo and hardly mentioned that people are seriously mistaken when they think it's easy to have a baby. Perhaps you should start by talking to them about it...share your journey and feelings. Maybe they'll open up about it. I find it easier not to discuss it, because I know I'll fly off the handle if someone tells me, "It will happen when it happens".