Am in bits today

[dizz]

Had my first hospital checkup appointment today - because I had a 3rd degree tear - you get a physio one and then later a consultant one. I was anxious enough about going back to the hospital anyway - find going past it on the bus bad enough cos I can see the window of the ward where I was essentially kept prisoner (because of their lack of ANY suitable provision for the transitional care preemies' mothers to get time off-ward), but having to go inside the hospital again was dreadful and I ended up having flashbacks all over the place.

First going over the underpass cars come in on to get to the carpark and remembering standing at the ward window every morning watching for hubby coming so I didn't feel so scared and alone... then they moved the room I had to go to... so I had to walk past the NICU - which set me off crying, and the waiting room was such that I could see the doors to the NICU - which set me off again... then I saw the really nasty doctor who bullied me through the birth, came to the ward in an attempt to provoke me into a confrontation after, and I'm 99.9% sure was the one who did the social services referral on me - that started me off crying again.

Got through the appointment - started walking back - again down that long corridor past NICU, and got to the shortcut lift between that floor and the ward I was on - that started me off crying yet again at the memory of the day she got moved onto the main ward and bringing her up in the lift. Passing the door of the labour suite - started more tears and shaking - so I went and cancelled the consultant checkup in a couple of weeks - I can't face going back there again.

Since I got home I've kept on having flashbacks as well - it's just absolutely opened the floodgates utterly. I don't think anyone really "gets" that all I can see in my mind now is her back at 4lb in her incubator - and the feeling of helplessness as they pointed her out to me, then told me I had to go and wheeled me, spinally blocked and shaking from a reaction to the drug - unable to object or stand up for myself, back off the ward and chucked me onto the maternity ward to lie in the dark and my own blood and essentially rot for the night... I just can't get back on an even keel and I can't help but wonder - why us? We tried for 6 years to have a baby - fought through miscarriages and infertility... to end up having to run the prematurity gauntlet - and now I seem doomed to re-run the most horrific experience in my life endlessly on loop again.

There's only so much one person can take (and no, before anyone says it - I don't have PND).

 

[Creative]

it does sound as though you may have post traumatic stress disorder. Have you seen your doctor or health visitor to talk through it all?

 

[dizz]

How can I? I don't trust anyone involved in child health since the social services stuff at her birth pulled by the NICU... so there's no one I can turn to. Even though they told me they were confident there were no concerns to answer - I still feel as though I can't have ANY weakness in my ability to be a mother on my file or they'll get involved again and I'll lose her. I just have to grit my teeth and get through it all.

(And my GP is diabolically bad with mental health anyway)

 

[confused87com]

i can completely understand what you are going through. I really do, even now over a year on, i am better but still get v stressed going back to the places my baby was. i was diagnosed with ptsd once i had my little boy home. Now i am having to face it all again as i am pregnant again, back to the same hospital. i had a scan the other day and i nearly had a panic attack just going to the scan. I did get help after i had michael, i had to. I just relived the nicu days over and over, everything would remind me of it so i just stayed in and did nothing. It did really help. Consider talking to your health visitor, u may be amazed how much someone just talking to you helps. feel free to message me. hugs, i really know what u r going through and its hell