Anyone a stepparent to a pre-teen?

[jocelynmarie]

My OH has an 11 year old son, lately, he hasn't been wanting to come to our house. OH has shared custody and he is supposed to spend half his time here. We have lived as a family for the last year, OH, myself, my 1 1/2 year old son and his 11 year old half the time.

He clams up and won't talk, but he told his mom that he is scared of sleeping here at night because there are strange noises. It has never been an issue before. OH and I rarely fight, so thats not it... we try not to DTD that much when he's here, so its not like we're waking him up that way.

I'm guessing that its a front for something else.

Anyone else gone through anything like this? I'd really like to know how you're getting through it, or if you have any advise at all!

 

[seoj]

I became a step-Mom to my SD when she was barely 9yrs. Bit different situation though- as my hubby had full custody and she only saw her bio-mom every other weekend (if that- when her mom had the time for her). Long story.

It does seem there is more going on than scary noises. I would maybe just take the time to get together with him outside of the house for a while- and just maybe re-connect. Make sure he get's some 1:1 time with just his Dad- then all of you as a family. Maybe even don't ask him to stay over for a bit- and see how that goes. Then, being that he's old enough, your hubby could ask him what's going on. Why he doesn't want to come over etc... just encourage it, but no pressure. I'm sure, in time, it will come to light and be worked through. With my SD I never worried about her holding anything in- LOL- she was always more than willing to share her thoughts an feelings with her Dad and Me! Sometimes a bit too much... but, your SS is an 11yr old boy- they aren't always as free with their feelings as girls are, but that doesn't mean he won't be honest. Maybe it is an odd noise he heard? IDK. Kids can certainly be freaked out by less... I know my SD was at times. Her anxiety would get the better of her sometimes!

 

[jocelynmarie]

Thank you for responding!!

I'm trying to wrap my brain around what noise could be freaking him out that hasn't for the last 3 years that they have lived in our house.

OH has tried sitting him down one on one. He just let me know last night that Justin told him he wished that OH and his ex were still together and he cried about it. Which I guess I can understand. OH's ex has been remarried for several years, but she tried reconciling with OH a couple of years ago, which I'm sure completely confused Justin.

OH has tried talking to the ex about it and she said she will come and get him whenever he calls. She's not trying to help find a solution, but is making it worse by not making the situation be dealt with. We don't want to push him or for him to feel uncomfortable but avoiding the situation entirely isn't the best way to deal with it either.

So frustrating when I have to mostly bite my tongue.

 

[seoj]

It's tough- I know. Honestly, even after I moved in with my hubby and even though him and his ex-wife had been divorced for YEARS- and there had never been any chance of them getting back together- my SD would sometimes cry about it. She said it was tough on her- and that she sometimes wished her parents had stayed together. Which, of course, felt like a knife in my chest- BUT- I had to realize it had nothing to do with me or my relationship with her or her Dad. It had to do with her- and her feelings of sadness about it all... which, don't just go away easily. In time though, she grew to love the family we have now- and her and I have such a close bond. There were for sure hard moments for us both- as her Mom didn't help make things any easier and would try to get her daughter on her side by talking bad about me and her Dad. And tbh- when she was younger, it did affect my SD. Now- she's almost 16- and she knows how crazy her Mom can be... so she just fluffs off those comments when they happen, or even tells her mom she doesn't like them. But there is much back-story there I won't bore you with. LOL.

Just know that things may regress from time to time- as children grow, they learn and see things on a new level- and sometimes, things we thought they were "over" can come back to bite them... and affect those around them. So maybe that is all it is and will hopefully pass sooner than later. Best of luck hun!