I made DH his favorite dinner tonight for putting up with me lately.
I'm really struggling right now. Today has been about 3/4 anger and 1/4 depressed. I've been in a rage all day and simultaneously being depressed and crying.
I almost melted down in Home Depot over a refrigerator. DH said he can't wait to get this baby out because it's really put me in a bad mood in the last week.
I'm feeling hopeless and discouraged. I'm angry because I feel like my body is broken. I felt like this when DD was born 2 years ago because I had to have a c section and couldn't breastfeed while watching both of my sister in laws have no issues with having a vaginal birth and breastfeeding just fine. I'm tired of always feeling like a failure at everything (I'm only just now back in school at almost 31 - never earned a degree before - they both have degrees).
I feel like they skate by in life while DH and I do nothing but try and just get screwed left and right.
I feel angry because I'm likely to never experience labor. I know that experience shouldn't matter, and that all that matters is baby's health and safety. They can cut me open, no spinal or anesthesia, if it came down to saving his life. If he's healthy, then why can't I just have a TOL? Even if I don't make it to pushing, why can't I just feel real labor contractions or experience my water breaking?
This is what's making me so angry and wanting to cry. Because I just want to experience labor. I want things to start on their own.
On the other hand, I'm almost tempted to schedule a rcs because it's almost like the universe is always saying "eff you" to us, and it might be safer to have a rcs as the universe would probably see to it that I have a uterine rupture requiring a hysterectomy.
Okay, done rambling about how I feel sorry for myself. And being over dramatic.