Baby is 8 days old, and now it's hit me....

[MemmaJ]

I was induced at 35 weeks due to reduced fluid and tightenings. I ended up having a very painful and traumatic birth due to placental abruption.
Baby was in NICU for a couple of days, then with me on the postnatal ward for another day - she was born late Sunday night and we both went home together Thursday morning.

Since being home I've been ok - carrying on as normal and keeping busy (nothing was ready for her as the decision to induce me was made very quickly). I have an 18 month old boy and 12 year old twin boys too, so it's a very busy household and that's just what I'm used to.

But today, I just feel so sad.
My labour and birth with my 18 month old was wonderful - spontaneous labour at 37+4, lovely waterbirth with gas & air, and home about 5 hours later. I felt I coped really well, it was a lovely experience for me and my partner - I actually enjoyed it and was really looking forward to having a similar experience this time.
When the decision was made to induce me at 35 weeks, I knew I wouldn't be allowed a waterbirth but I was still at least hoping for a similar experience 'on dry land'.

This time was very different - the abruption caused so much pain that I just couldn't cope (I still only had gas and air but I wouldn't have been able to keep still for an epidural anyway!). I lost control, the room was full of people as it was emergency situation and I was heavily bleeding, my partner was panicking. I was being prepped for an emergency C Section (which was always my worst nightmare) - but I went from 4cm to fully dilated in 2 minutes, and pushed her out within another 2 minutes (both of which also very painful) - so thankfully I avoided it. Baby came out not crying and had to be taken straight away... basically it just felt like everything went wrong and everything was 'bad'.

Physically I was exhausted the next day and mentally I was traumatised. Since then I've been OK in both respects, but today I just feel really low.

I feel like my birth experience was terrible and my 'nice' experience was robbed from me - I'll never get another one as she is likely to be our last baby. I cant stop thinking how I should still be pregnant (I'd be 36+4 today) - if I hadn't of been induced, I still would be - and things could/might have been so different. Should I have refused induction, carried on just being closely monitored and both baby and me might have fared much better for it..?
My pregnancy and birth experience have now been taken from me, and not like in any way that I wanted or could have imagined only a couple of weeks ago.

Of course I am thankful that my baby is OK and seems to be healthy and unphased by the whole thing, but (and I don't know why it's taken 8 days) mentally, I am beginning to struggle with it all and I don't know how to get over it

 

[LoveCakes]

I honestly have no medical experience but I don't think the abruption was caused by the induction? And if it had happened anywhere else than under close observation it would have been so much worse.

It sounds like an awful experience and you're rightly upset by it. My advice is to talk to your midwife, they can discuss how to deal with your feelings or refer on if you need counselling etc... even just to process what happened. You'll have been hit with a load of hormones post birth but this is definitely a lot more to deal with. I'd also ask then how you can go about a post natal review with a dr to answer your questions and go over what happened and why.

Also speak to your partner and older kids and see if they can lighten the load a little bit or get you some time to yourself, I find that helps when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I know your boys are young but it's better they understand than worry?

I really hope you can find some help and feel better. While it's fantastic you're both ok it's entirely reasonable to be upset, it doesn't have to just be enough you both got through it.

Take care

 

[MemmaJ]

Abruption can be caused by hyperstimulation, which the induction will have caused if that's the case. I'd been having painful tightenings since 24 weeks, but all checks were always fine so they weren't an issue until It was found that i had a sudden reduction in fluid around the baby at 34 weeks.
Two days later at a repeat scan (when the fluid had reduced even more), the decision to induce me was made there and then because there was then a risk of cord compression with the tightenings.

I waited in hospital for 3 days before the induction could go ahead, because NICU was full so we had to wait for a space To become available for my baby.
During this time I was being monitored 3-4 times a day, and the traces were always fine (even with ongoing strong tightenings every 2-3 minutes).

When the actual induction went ahead it started off fairly normally but progressed quite quickly to full-on contractions every 2-3 minutes which went on for hours but without much cervical progression. By the time I was finally going into 'established' labour, they were one after another with barely even a minute's gap in between them - and I thought at the time that they shouldn't be that close together. They had only been like that for a period of about 10-15 minutes before the bleeding started and everything went wrong, so it COULD have been that I was overstimulated and contracting too much, which caused the placenta to separate. Of course it may not have been, and I'll never really know; but everything was fine before that so I can't help but think that it's likely.

My partner is being amazing. He's amazing anyway and always helps with the kids and around the house, so he's a great support - but I don't feel I can talk to him about this, as I don't want to appear weak
My midwife is coming tomorrow and I don't feel I can even talk to her because he will be there too

 

[jessmke]

My first birth experience didn't go according to plan, nothing went horrendously wrong and it wasn't nearly as scary or difficult as what you went through, but I still struggled in the days after the birth with sadness that I didn't get the experience I had wanted. I remember sitting in bed in the middle of the night thinking about the birth and crying about it. I think it was a mixture of disappointment and hormones. All I can say is that the feeling did eventually pass and I rarely think about it anymore. That being said, I am really hoping this next birth goes the way I want it to as a way of 'healing' from my previous birth experience, so I can totally understand how not being able to have a 'do over' with another birth sours the experience even more. Just be kind to yourself and give it time and you will heal from the experience. If not, then maybe speak to your doctor as you may have some PND going on.

 

[LoveCakes]

Oh right I didn't realise that about the abruption.

Glad your partner is helping it makes such a difference!

I understand not wanting to seem 'weak' since I'm normally quite independent myself but it's not weakness. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. It's possible he's quite upset about it too but not wanting to admit it. It is difficult to be vulnerable though.

I'd try to get the midwife alone, send your partner to make tea. Alternatively you should have a 6 week check up where among other things they should ask how you're getting on. That might be too far off though.

 

[6lilpigs]

You have been through a very scary and traumatic situation. You may be having symptoms of ptsd post traumatic stress disorder, i don't know much about it so it may be worth a google but just because what happened didnt involve a car crash or a train or a war doesnt mean that you mind wasnt put at extreme stress. One of my deliveries ended in an ugly c section where I truly thought I was going to die. For a year? afterwards I would find myself going through it again in my head and I would be stood somewhere, hanging washing maybe, with a grimace on my face just running through it, then I would realise what I was doing and would go back to hanging washing. It will pass, just dont feel guilty for feeling what you are feeling. You are home and you are both safe, things were out of your control, if we had a time machine! well things could have been better but we have to also think that they could also have been worse All mums and babies safely accounted for Take time, run through it and then just hug that little one, you did good Ma

 

[MemmaJ]

Thank you for your replies.
I did manage to speak to the midwife on my own, when my partner took our 18 month old out to play in the garden as he was getting bored and restless!
She doesn't think I am 'depressed'/have PND, as I am functioning completely normally - but suggested there may be some PTSD going on.
She's going to chase up my referral to the Birth Afterthoughts service so I should be contacted by the specialist midwife counsellor at some point in the coming weeks...

When my partner came back in the room she actually spoke to him about it too, as I'd told her I hadn't felt able to 'confess' to my him.
She explained the whole situation to him, he asked some questions, and I think he now understands.
The last 'meltdown' I had was the day before the midwife came - he kept asking what was wrong and how he could help, but I couldn't tell him. The words just wouldn't come out as I was embarrassed, and I didn't know how to begin to try and tell him what I was feeling anyway.
Although I haven't had any more 'meltdowns' since then, I believe that if I did (-because she's now explained it to him-), he'd now understand why without me having to explain it - so I'm glad about that.

The midwife is coming back in a couple of days (not for me, to re-weigh the baby as her weight had stayed static) - so maybe she'll have some news for me about the referral then... I certainly feel like I need it.

 

[misspriss]

I wish they had a similar service here in the US. I sincerely believe I had PTSD from DS's birth. I was also induced early, due to severe pre-e. I ended up not progressing and having a c-section, separation from my son for over 24 hrs, I was in the hospital for 4 or 5 days and had to leave DS there. I suffered for over 2 years, it was only after my daughter was born that I felt like I could move on.

 

[laura109]

Aww hun. Its normal to feel emotional. You are a mum so you obviously have to be a carer and strong person for your children, but that does not mean you can't feel down, anxious, scared etc. i was induced and found it painful as anything. I was overdue and told it would take 24 hours at least to start working usually. My oh went to a hotel and paid £70 to sleep 15 minutes near the hospital as we lived 50 miniute away. I had not slept the night before due to a snorer on the ward. I felt emotionally vulnerable being alone in a hospital away from home alone. The night i was induced i planned to get a few hours sleep but an hour later i was shaking and 20 mins later the contractions came every 3 minutes and were lasting around a minute. My partner rushed straight back. The midwives were stretched looking after 3 people each and i felt like they could of done without me lol!!! It was a painful 7 hour labour and nobody available to give me an epidural due to c sections. Ironically the lady who kept me awake snoring went into labour when she was only in resting so she had to have a c section and so there went my pain relief haha,

Seriously though. You did it! You got your baby into this world without pain relief. Without the ideal circumstances and you did what was best for your baby. I think more labours are how ours were than sitting in a calm lovely pool and breathing peacefully. You also had a fright as soon as baby was born which is not how any mum pictures that moment. We all picture holding them for the first time and smiling now the labour is over. You were away from your other children for a few nights too which is hard. I am abit emotional about going to have baby number 2 and leaving my toddler. It will be the first time she has ever stayed away from me too.

You just need to give yourself time and rest. As much as u can rest no doubt with everyone coming to visit and two little ones needing you. Try and have some naps and baths and remember your hormones are out of wack right now and we cant always control feeling abit down. Us ladies go through so much. Periods, morning sick ess, pregnany hormones, labour, pain, our bodies changing, our hormones going crazy after birth. Despite any of these things we get told to keep going as we are not ill afterall. But you can feel ill despite what people say. If you really dont feel better in a couple of weeks ask your midwife or dr for some reassurance. I personally think you did a great job and you just need to recover xx