Behind at school but being medicalised!

[NinaAutumn]

Hi all,

I am wondering if you can help me. My OHs son is 8yrs old and was recently put through numerous tests for autism (which in the end turned out to be nonsense, as we all knew it would). Anyway, my OH has now been given a form to fill out for some kind of paediatric referral, all the questions are skewed towards ADHD! Luckily my OH is fairly on the ball and is concerned that the phrasing of the questions gives you no choice but to be diagnosed as ADHD.

There's nothing wrong with my OHs son, he's an 8yr old boy!! I am an "outsider" and not a doting parent and even I think he's fine.

The worry is that he's behind at school but he doesnt do anything at home with his mother or my OH to help him progress. They don't read with him and his homework is a hassle to both of them. I feel a bit torn because I feel like if he had a tutor or they tried harder at home he'd soon catch up but I really don't have a right to say anything. I just don't want to see the poor boy plonked on meds for no reason.

My OH doesn't believe kids should have homework and tbh I tend to agree but they do! So everyone needs to get on with it. When I do homework with OHs son I try to put it in context and make it fun. The last 3 homeworks he's done with me he's gotten brilliant marks and table points (all him too, I don't do it for him)

What can I do? It's not right for me to critise my OHs parenting but it's also not right that the school medicalise him for not getting support at home.

How do you tackle schools trying to pigeon-hole kids into a medical term? Any advice would be great.

 

[RachA]

Do you go to parents evenings with your OH? If so then you could maybe talk to your OH's sons teacher there about it.

Have you spoken to your OH about the meds etc? Maybe if he saw that the choice was either meds or helping him catch up then he may feel more inclined to help him out a bit more.

Other than that i would try to help him with his homework. It sounds like he likes doing it with you anyway as he's putting in the effort when you help him.

 

[NinaAutumn]

I don't go, in fact my OHs ex hates that I have contact with him anyway so I try to keep out of it and simply talk to my OH about my thoughts. He has problems making his ex listen at all as she just blames it all on the fact my OH left her...not very productive.

My OH is very anti-meds and understands things have to change but he's burying his head, I know it.

I am happy to help his son with his homework and stuff but a) we only have him 3 weekends out of 4 and b) like I said, his ex doesnt want me involved and I dont want to create any friction by over stepping the mark.

I just care about the little boy.

 

[RachA]

It sounds like your OH doesn't really know how to deal with it all. It can't be easy if his ex is causing grief etc.

I would keep helping your OH's son as much as you can. It'll be better for him to get some decent homework submitted 3 weeks outs of 4 than nothing at all. If the school see that he is capable if producing good work then they may not push for meds.

I can understand how you feel here. I was really worried that our son would be put of meds because of hyperactivity etc but we have avoided it but it has taken alot if input from both of us as his parents and our wider families.

Your oH's son is very blessed to have someone who is looking out for him like you are.

 

[NinaAutumn]

It sounds like your OH doesn't really know how to deal with it all. It can't be easy if his ex is causing grief etc.

I would keep helping your OH's son as much as you can. It'll be better for him to get some decent homework submitted 3 weeks outs of 4 than nothing at all. If the school see that he is capable if producing good work then they may not push for meds.

I can understand how you feel here. I was really worried that our son would be put of meds because of hyperactivity etc but we have avoided it but it has taken alot if input from both of us as his parents and our wider families.

Your oH's son is very blessed to have someone who is looking out for him like you are.

It sound's like a terrible thing to say but my OH seems to think that school is just one part of life and because my OH was a bit of a loner at school and bit "different" that that is his son's destiny too. I just think that attitude is a bit lazy.

My OHs son's homework last weekend was to "rest up for exams" I said to my OH that I thought that was a ridiculous homework as it meant both my OH and his son read it as "no homework". Knowing that his son was going to do some exams I would have thought trying to do some light-hearted revision and looking over his old homeworks would have helped to just remind him what he'd learned recently, I was over-ruled. So frustrating.

The boy's mum had a chat with the school the other day too and suggested getting a tutor. The school discouraged it and said it would "de-rail their teaching and be too much pressure". We'd obviously look for a suitable tutor for an 8yr old! Not a scary teacher who is pushy as a hell. Just someone to run through a few bits in a fun way one/two days a week!!

I worry more because I think with our own son on the way I will be acting very differently towards school and education. My mum was very pushy and I don't want to be a pushy parent but I do think that trying your best is an important life lesson.

Grr. All very annoying.

Thank you for your kind words about looking out for him, I really do care that he's happy and confident at school. I think that's really important for a young child.

 

[calm]

I agree he sounds very lucky to have you as his step-mum XXX

 

[NinaAutumn]

I agree he sounds very lucky to have you as his step-mum XXX

Aww, thank you x

 

[RachA]

As I said, just keep doing what you are doing.

I would however echo the school about not getting the tutor. Once you go down that path it's likely that he will need a tutor for the rest of his school life as he'll get used to help he gets from them. I know people who have had tutors for their children in order to get them into the local grammar school and then when they've got there really struggled as they no longer had the tutor.

 

[NinaAutumn]

As I said, just keep doing what you are doing.

I would however echo the school about not getting the tutor. Once you go down that path it's likely that he will need a tutor for the rest of his school life as he'll get used to help he gets from them. I know people who have had tutors for their children in order to get them into the local grammar school and then when they've got there really struggled as they no longer had the tutor.

That's a really good point actually, I had never thought of it like that. To be honest a tutor would only to be to do what his parents should be doing. I think if my OH and his ex came up with a plan together to help improve his basic reading, writing and arithmetic he would flourish.

I am taking him out next weekend to buy some books for him to read to the baby, he knows the baby can hear his voice now so I thought it would be a good way to get him bonding with his half-brother and reading out loud.

My OH also downloaded a fun math game for him to play (he has no idea he's playing and learning!)

I think if his ex could do a few bits like that with him too it would make all the difference. Unfortunately she's very much the doting parent, thinks he's perfect and it's all the teacher's fault etc etc. I guess we just stick at what we're doing and hope it helps.

 

[sparkle23]

What behaviour signalled the need for tests for autism and ADHD?

 

[NinaAutumn]

What behaviour signalled the need for tests for autism and ADHD?

Lack of attention span
Lack of social interaction
Can be repetitive

I think there are a few more such as drifting off in class, not listening etc.

He's very sociable with me and my OH though. Love cuddling up and will often ask for a hug and stuff.

 

[sunshine114]

I expect what your oh has had to fill in is a Connors questionnaire, which yes, can be used to diagnose ADHD, however, this does not automatically mean meds, and the school certainly have no say in whether a child has medication or not - it is all down to the paediatrician. Sometimes, having a diagnosis of ADHD means the school can better adjust and adapt to the needs of the child, and sometimes it changes nothing whatsoever, just means that there is a reason for the behaviours. I expect the school and his mum have had to fill them out as well, everything will be looked at as a decision to diagnose is not one that is taken lightly by the paediatrician.

In the meantime, with helping him at school, I would advise the computer games (there's loads online - try the bbc bite size website) and try and get him reading and the. Talk about what he has read.

Hope that helps. x