Bonding with your preemie

[Lottie86]

How long did it take you to bond with your LO? If you didn't bond instantly was there a particular 'thing' that made you bond? (ie first time doing cares, first cuddle, feeding them etc) or did the bond just appear gradually over time.

 

[Agiboma]

For me it happened over time because i was so sick when i had him and he was so premie i really started to bond over time in the NICU and of course the feeling of hopelessness when he was in the NICU and the feeling that he wasn't really mine. Like i felt he belong to the NICU, I remember an instance when he was in the NICU and myself, my sister and the nurse was standing around his isolette and the Nurse was doing his care, he turned his head and was staring in my direction, now i was in the corner but somehow he found me @ the moment i got the feeling that he knew who i was and that started the bonding process.

 

[cat81]

I'm not sure really. I was lucky and got to hold Thomas when he was first born, before they took him away, and I do remember feeling huge love for him but I think I was also in shock - and stayed that way for the first few days.

My labour had come on so suddenly and Thomas was born within 2 hours so it was all a little bit unreal. The first night, I sat by his incubator in NICU and was in a total daze. I didn't know what to do with myself and couldn't stop crying. Looking back on the experience, I struggle to remember a lot that happened in the first few days and how I felt.

I think that, in a way I bonded with him instantly. I was totally in love with him and terrified that he might not be ok but it also felt a bit like he wasn't really mine and I that I wasn't a proper mummy because I didn't have my baby with me and couldn't do all the normal things for him. Holding him certainly helped and as time went on and I was able to get more involved in his care, I felt more useful and that he was starting to be aware of my presence.

When I started trying to breastfeed him, in one way it helped us bond but I also started to worry he was rejecting me when he didn't take to it straight away which was incredibly hard. Looking back it seems silly as he is now 11 months old and still can't get enough of the boob!

I think that no two mums will deal with the neonatal experience in the same way and I am sure that the sicker your baby is, the more difficult it must be. Just because it may be hard to feel the bond straight away, doesn't mean that it isn't there.

How is your LO doing? I hope you're both ok. xx

 

[25weeker]

I probably didn't properly bond with my lo until she came home. I knew I loved her but I don't think I had bonded with her. I think it was because I had lost her twin sister and until we were actually walking out the door with her I could never let myself believe it would happen.

Try not to worry the bond will come.

Hope your lo is doing well.

xx

 

[AP]

Me and Alex, gosh, lottie in all honesty we didnt bond for a while-but you know what we're like now dont panic, just do all you can, her cares, read her a story - the cuddles will help too

 

[Wantabean]

I didnt bond for a long time after Cam came home. I felt horrendous because i just couldnt love him. It must of changed over time though coz I would give everything and anything for him now and cant imagine loving anyone like this but I can clearly remember feeling like a bad person coz I just didnt love him. Hope things get easier for you xxx

 

[Lottie86]

Thank you. It took me absolutely months to fully bond with Findlay (and now we're joined at the hip we're so close lol) but I guess I just thought it would happen really quickly this time and then have been getting really stressed when it hasn't. Even giving her her first cuddle yesterday didn't make everything fall into place as I'd hoped. I thought I might feel something at least but when the nurses said she needed to go back in her incubator I was more than happy to hand her back. I know I'm supposed to be over the moon to have had my first cuddle so I made sure I sat there smiling the whole time and made sure to sound really happy about it but it just didn't have any profound 'wow it's my baby I love you' effect at all just a 'oh I appear have a tiny baby covered in wires in my top'

I'm wondering if it hasn't helped this time that she's much much more poorly than Findlay plus with the fact we know she's got the chromosome abnormality and have got a waiting game with that to see what issues it causes if I'm just shutting down a bit 'just in case' but I just feel really guilty that I don't have the bond that some of the other Mummies seem to have

 

[25weeker]

At the beginning when I was doing kangaroo care with CPAP and a long line with several things attached to it, it was so stressful. I spent most of the time looking at the monitor and my heart was in my mouth incase something would go wrong.

Promise it does get easier

xxx

 

[vickyd]

My Lo is 4.5 months and i still worry that i havent fully bonded. The 2 weeks in the NICU i only felt sadness and worry and i avoided visiting her so that i would not bond just in case something happened to her...I had 2 previous losses and i was sure something would be worng this time too.

 

[Marleysgirl]

I know that bonding only really started for us when we brought Andrew home

 

[Tegans Mama]

Tegan isn't a preemie but spent a while in hospital and was really poorly at first. Can honestly say I didn't bond with her at all until after she came home. Even then it took me a while... But I think it's the quiet times when there are no doctors and nurses that the bonding really happened for us. I spent every minute I was awake at the side of tegans bed and never really felt much, then when we got her home and I was feeding her at five o clock o the morning things fell into place slowly.

Dont worry Hun it will come. You have a lot on your plate now with findlay and Iona as well. Take it a day at a time and you will get there xxx

 

[bob2331]

Hey Lottie,

I think everyone is different, like every baby is different, i felt like i bonded with harry as soon as he was born, much like i did with connor, but my first cuddle at a day old was when i really bonded. My husband will admit to this, but he has only started to bond with harry in the last few months, he was too scared to bond xxx

 

[Lottie86]

She just feels like the hospitals baby at the minute which was the issue I had with Findlay with how long he spent in and out. I'm visiting her 1-2 times a day for a few hours each time (we live an hour from the hospital and with having F we can't spend all day at the hospital) but at the moment, and it sounds awful to say it, I'm going to visit because I feel I should and not because I've bonded with her and am desperately excited to go and see her.

I think it possibly didn't help that I spent the whole pregnancy avoiding bonding with her as I knew in my heart something wasn't right and then the amnio results confirmed it and I just feel incredibly guilty that it's my fault she was early and has had the issues so far that she has (it's down to me the pair of them have the trisomy) and I almost feel like we're just waiting for her to grow and develop to find out what other issues she has as it is a wait and see game and I'm so scared something will happen to her. I really really want to bond with her and love her but I just can't do it at the moment

Hopefully once she is home and fingers crossed not in hospital as much as F was I will bond properly with her like you've all said. I've been and bought some clothes and bedding for her this week (we hadn't bought anything at all for her until after she arrived) so I'm hoping doing things like that and making her bed up will make her seem more 'real' to me.

 

[AP]

almost everything your saying i identify with hun.

go get yourself to Toys R Us i think i had weekly visits there, lunch, and then back to see alex

 

[vermeil]

Whoah Lottie I remember reading on other boards that you were expecting again - didn`t know your little girl was here! How the heck did I miss that... CONGRATULATIONS!!! I`m sorry she came a bit early, but from following your journal with F, despite her having the same condition I know you`re an amazing mom and she`ll be in great hands

If we`re being honest here (haha) it also took me long months to properly bond with my micropreemie. Sure I loved him from the start but I didn`t feel like he was truly mine until much later. You know the feeling, you would turn the world upside down for them. Our son had many serious complications and so I think the constant high stress for weeks prevented proper bonding for a while...hope that makes sense

 

[Srrme]

I bonded pretty quickly. I got to hold Elias right after he was born (before they took him to the NICU) and I think that helped a lot.

 

[PrincessPea]

I didnt bond with Jessica right away, I didnt get to hold her when she was born and it was the night after she was born before I even got to see her. Even although OH had tried to prepare me for seeing her for the first time it was still a massive shock and I could barely even look, if I am totally honest. I just felt totally gutted and shocked. I had just this overwhelming feeling that she should still be inside and I felt like the doctors had somehow 'stolen' my baby. It took me a day or so to get over that feeling and then when I did I still didnt bond with her and I know it was mainly due to the fact that I knew if I let myself bond I was going to fall completely in love with her and I was so terrified of losing her that I just couldnt let myself bond. I felt incredibly guilty, made worse by the fact that OH seemed to bond with her instantly. Not that thats a bad thing but you know what I mean. I felt like an awful mother.

I think the bond just came over time just gradually doing cares and seeing her respond to me etc and eventually I just felt an overwhelming love but it certainly wasnt a 'whoosh' of motherly love. It took a few weeks for that to happen though and even then any time we got any 'not so good news' I definitely went a step back and I sometimes had to leave the NICU without going to see her to get my head round things and then come back a while later.

When I brought Jessica home though I think I actually took a step back the way as well though, I dont know if it was just everything hitting home but I defintely felt a bit distant from her. 6 months on though and we have a really strong bond which I hope will continue to grow.

Dont worry mrs, dont be too hard on yourself, you are doing fab. You are a fantastic mum and it will get better, just give it time.

 

[Marleysgirl]

Can I just say, I don't think any of us should feel guilty about not bonding with our babies straightaway, especially if they spent a long time in NICU. I don't think the delayed bonding has affected our relationship with Andrew now, and he certainly doesn't harbour a grudge

 

[Ashley9603]

I had my twins on June 5th,they were born at 29 weeks.Will be 32 weeks gestation tomorrow.Anyways I have been very fortunate,I have been holding them since they were a few days old.Our bond wasnt instant,but its growing.I go to the nicu daily,I care for them such as changing diapers and they get bathed 3 times a week(I get to do it)They are not on any breathing tubes,ventlators etc,Elijah however has to have a tiny bit of oxygen right now.I cant wait until they come home.