Can't get excited...so numb

[Curligurl]

I had 3MMC before finally having my son. I'm pregnant again for the 5th time and I'm just as anxious as I was the first time. DH can't understand why I'm not happy. He thinks that the fact that we finally had a successful pregnancy should make me excited about this one...well it doesn't. What if my pregnancy with my son was just a miraculous fluke? My RE put me on 4mg folic acid and a baby aspirin to help me stay pregnant with my son. But since his birth I have also been diagnosed with lupus (SLE not the anticoagulant one)...basically my immune system goes crazy and attacks my normal cells. I am in remission now but I keep worrying that my lupus will get active again and kill the baby...I feel so helpless right now. My lab work looks wonderful but I have zero symptoms. I wish God would give me a sign to let me know that the baby will be ok...

 

[anxious mommy]

I understand. I lost a child at 2 years 5 months, then had a chemical pregnancy, a healthy child, then an mmc. This is my 5th pregnancy, too, and after a mmc scare that turned out to be the result of late ovulation. It's just two days past hearing a healthy heartbeat and I'm struggling with anxiety again. I was numb the entire two weeks between my OB appointment. You're not alone or weird. It's a rough ride. It'll be rough all the way to that beautiful conclusion at the end of nine months. FX for another sticky one for you.

 

[Curligurl]

Thank you for the encouragement. I know that there will always be something to worry about even after I pass my milestone...the waiting is the worst part...prayers and fx for your sticky bean too!

 

[anxious mommy]

Yeah. I'm past the point the baby died last time. And past the point of my chemical, but I worry anyway. I keep remembering that I did hear a heartbeat. Wish I'd thought to record it. How far from your mark are you? Have you had a scan, yet? I find that it's just helpful to vent somewhere people understand.

 

[Curligurl]

I had my MC all at 8 weeks...I'm only 4w5d so I have a long way to go...my OB won't give scans before 8 weeks unless there is a problem (even though I have a history if miscarriages) .... I'm trying not to think about it but it's hard. If I had pregnant symptoms I think I would feel a little better....

 

[anxious mommy]

Yeah. Tough ride. The longer wait is super hard. Of course, I kinda wish mine had had a similar policy. My OB brought me in at 6w4d and we couldn't see anything. We spent two weeks worrying that it was a repeat of last time before we got our heartbeat. Hang tight. Fingers crossed for you. (I never felt pregnant first trimester with my other girls).

 

[Curligurl]

Thank you for talking with me. I will keep you updated...

 

[anxious mommy]

No problem. It was the people here who got me through my last wait. And I'm sure I have more anxious periods in store (likely next to each of my appointments).

 

[barbikins]

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant & I haven't felt excited yet.
I have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years & I totally imagined how relieved and elated I'd be when I saw the positive test but it never happened. It still hasn't happened. I lost my daughter 5 days after she was born. And March 2013 I had a Chemical Pregnancy so I have been really numb and I often feel like I'm talking about someone else being pregnant. I'm still not convinced a baby's coming home with us (we never brought our daughter home) & am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it's totally natural. A way to protect ourselves. I just hope the excitement happens some time during the pregnancy. I really do want to enjoy it. It will be my last pregnancy after all.

 

[anxious mommy]

Barbikins, I'm sorry for loss. You're absolutely right. It's a protection. We don't have the innocence anymore. We know it's not just a bad dream. But that's why we call them rainbows. Promises after a storm. Bright rays of light. I hope this is your rainbow. And that something brings you the enthusiasm and joy every pregnancy should entail.

 

[barbikins]

thank you! i really hope this will be my take home baby for ever as well.
xo

 

[dairymomma]

I can totally relate. My current pregnancy is my 11th pg overall and only my 3rd to go successfully to term. (No 'known' cause for my multiple losses but daily baby aspirin and progesterone supplements *seem* to help me get through the first trimester) It's hard and it's even harder when you don't have the support from those around you that you need. My DH kept telling me that worry never solved anything and it was just a waste of time even though I was having anxiety attacks in my first tri with this baby. I didn't think I was overreacting as I'd just had a 14 week loss in July followed by a blighted ovum in early October with my bfp for this baby coming just 5 weeks after that last loss. My anxiety was heightened by the fact that not only did I get pg so quickly, but I was bleeding from 5 weeks til 10.5 weeks and my former doctor was predicting miscarriage as soon as my blood tests confirmed my new pregnancy. (her reasoning? "You didn't listen to the specialist and wait 3 months!" even though I told her we had been preventing pregnancy at the time and the dr never once said I needed to wait. In fact, I never talked to him at all!) But things have a happy ending this time. I'm currently labor watching as I'm 37 weeks tomorrow (37 this past Saturday if you go by baby's measurments at my 20 week ultrasound so the dr said he won't stop labor anymore if I go naturally) and all is well. It was hard and I honestly didn't get excited about this baby until I was well into my 2nd trimester because I was so fearful of another loss. In fact, I was just telling DH the other day that it's REALLY hitting me now that we're going to have another child! Like any day now...And it's freaking me out a little because the whole pregnancy I've been holding off on letting myself accept that fact but now the flood gates are open and excitement is racing in.

 

[barbikins]

dairy momma - i'm so sorry for all of your losses.
No one can tell you you can't/shouldn't worry. That's part of the process unfortunately. Like me, you're probably protective of yourself to not get too excited/involved in the pregnancy and for me, it seems very natural. Not that I'm purposely suppressing it. I'm even having a very hard time mentioning anything that would solidify me bringing home a baby. It's like "I'll believe it when I see it".
I just wish I could get to a point of enjoying the pregnancy as well. I feel robbed.

 

[Curligurl]

Numbness...indifference...worry...anxiety...all these emotions are normal after a loss. It's hard to return back to that place when we got our first bfp...but for our own sake and for the babies we have growing inside us...we must find reasons everyday to be happy....
My current mantra:

"I am pregnant. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I choose to be happy. I choose to have faith."

Today is a good day...

 

[barbikins]

That's good, Curligurl....keep being positive! I hope to get to that place, too. xo

 

[Curligurl]

That's good, Curligurl....keep being positive! I hope to get to that place, too. xo

Have you thought about buying a fetal heart doppler? I bought one when I was pregnant with my son and it was very helpful with easing my anxiety. I plan to buy one very soon with this baby too.

 

[anxious mommy]

How expensive are the home dopplers? I've thought about getting one for myself but heard the "affordable" ones aren't super reliable. It would be just my luck to trip my own anxiety by not getting a reading when I thought I should be able to.

 

[barbikins]

I looked into a doppler briefly but it is expensive. Even as a rental.
And I feel like it would worsen my anxieties. I don't want to be obsessed with checking for a heart beat....so I decided to stop looking into it.

 

[Curligurl]

How expensive are the home dopplers? I've thought about getting one for myself but heard the "affordable" ones aren't super reliable. It would be just my luck to trip my own anxiety by not getting a reading when I thought I should be able to.

I just ordered one for $52. It's the sonoline B. Has a sensitivity as early as 8 weeks.

 

[barbikins]

OH I'll have a look
Let me know how it is when you get it