Hello, im new here. I signed up because I just cant cope any longer.
I found out I was pregnant Spring (March) 2009 and was over the moon, as we'd been trying for 7 months for baby 2. The hospital messed up about my dating scan so I was still waiting for it, but it was the Sunday night and I went to the toilet and wasnt sure if I was that exhausted I was seeing things and my other half came to the toilet and I showed him the tissue, he confirmed my thoughts and took me to hospital. I was told it was 'simply old blood' but I knew in my heart it wasnt. The doctor/midwife wrote on my notes 'after a scan to Q jump'. But gave me an appt anyway (!) the following day, we attended the appt and low and behold, our baby had no heartbeat and had been dead upto a week. I opted for natural miscarriage, our baby measured 'around' the 15 week mark (I thought I was nearly 17 weeks? Unsure!) It turned traumatic a few days later and I had to call an ambulance to rush me in, a doctor had to cut my baby away as it'd got stuck in the cervix, and I was told (by my other half) it was something no-one should ever have to see, and he never wants to see it again in his life. I recovered for 4 or 5 hours, and went on my way home. I was upset, but 'over' it. So I thought...
Anyway, we're now 2 years since I found out I was pregnant and 20 months since the day I was told my baby was dead, and had the experience of what I did. And I cry everyday over my dead baby. I comfort eat, or i'll have an alcoholic drink. I'll take it out on my other half or our son (hes 3). I'm moody, I shout and scream if someone p****s me off. If someone looks at me and I take offence to it, I come all mouthy and ask if theyve got a problem (and obviously its un-nerving for people!). I have thoughts about taking tablets and washing them down with cans of whatever I can get my mitts on and I think it'd be a weight lifted from everyone if I no longer existed. Then I suddenly snap out of it and think 'no, its not my fault I feel like this' (but it is). I just cant get over my baby, that I opted to go home and have naturally so I could bury it and have a little rockery in my garden, but it was disposed of with 'medical wastage', the doctor who performed the action on me, simply took his gloves off and took the kidney dish away so I dont even know if my baby was a boy or a girl. And its starting to damage everyone around me.
I'm at the end of my tether, I cant cope living like this much longer. We've been trying for another since, and I havent even been 1 day late.... it pains me that im not pregnant yet, that its just not happening. Im an emotional wreck. I find myself looking at my life and thinking 'whats wrong?' .... yes I carry a little extra weight for my height, but i'm loosing it, slowly but surely. My other half works, we dont claim benefits, my son is speaking very well, is advanced (to a point) for his age, my house is clean, we're a tidy quiet family. Yet I am convinced its something I/we are doing or have done. My sister is a few weeks from giving birth and i'm finding myself more and more seething, and crying. Now my other halfs cousin has just announced her pregnancy, and i'm even more mortified, atleast I can cuddle my sisters baby and treat him to nice things, I cant with her baby because she dont like me and shes rubbing it in my face every two minutes. Im a serial attention seeker (according to my better half) because I post on facebook if im upset. People ask why, I tell them, they say the usual dregs 'it gets easier' or 'im sorry chick' .... but his cousin, if I post an upset status, she posts a happy one like 'Oh I cannot wait til my baby does this' and I cant help but have horrible, terrible thoughts. I've removed this cow 3 times, its caused huge rows within the family (out-laws) because im being un-friendly etc but yeah... im sorry for posting but I feel like ive just dropped todays baggage on someone else and the weights lifted although its still there too....
Any advice? Serious advice? I've had MC'ages before and they got easier but this one is still with me, I miss my baby more and more daily, its not getting easier yet so please, any help???
A very emotional wreck excuse for a human xxxxxxxxxx
I found out I was pregnant Spring (March) 2009 and was over the moon, as we'd been trying for 7 months for baby 2. The hospital messed up about my dating scan so I was still waiting for it, but it was the Sunday night and I went to the toilet and wasnt sure if I was that exhausted I was seeing things and my other half came to the toilet and I showed him the tissue, he confirmed my thoughts and took me to hospital. I was told it was 'simply old blood' but I knew in my heart it wasnt. The doctor/midwife wrote on my notes 'after a scan to Q jump'. But gave me an appt anyway (!) the following day, we attended the appt and low and behold, our baby had no heartbeat and had been dead upto a week. I opted for natural miscarriage, our baby measured 'around' the 15 week mark (I thought I was nearly 17 weeks? Unsure!) It turned traumatic a few days later and I had to call an ambulance to rush me in, a doctor had to cut my baby away as it'd got stuck in the cervix, and I was told (by my other half) it was something no-one should ever have to see, and he never wants to see it again in his life. I recovered for 4 or 5 hours, and went on my way home. I was upset, but 'over' it. So I thought...
Anyway, we're now 2 years since I found out I was pregnant and 20 months since the day I was told my baby was dead, and had the experience of what I did. And I cry everyday over my dead baby. I comfort eat, or i'll have an alcoholic drink. I'll take it out on my other half or our son (hes 3). I'm moody, I shout and scream if someone p****s me off. If someone looks at me and I take offence to it, I come all mouthy and ask if theyve got a problem (and obviously its un-nerving for people!). I have thoughts about taking tablets and washing them down with cans of whatever I can get my mitts on and I think it'd be a weight lifted from everyone if I no longer existed. Then I suddenly snap out of it and think 'no, its not my fault I feel like this' (but it is). I just cant get over my baby, that I opted to go home and have naturally so I could bury it and have a little rockery in my garden, but it was disposed of with 'medical wastage', the doctor who performed the action on me, simply took his gloves off and took the kidney dish away so I dont even know if my baby was a boy or a girl. And its starting to damage everyone around me.
I'm at the end of my tether, I cant cope living like this much longer. We've been trying for another since, and I havent even been 1 day late.... it pains me that im not pregnant yet, that its just not happening. Im an emotional wreck. I find myself looking at my life and thinking 'whats wrong?' .... yes I carry a little extra weight for my height, but i'm loosing it, slowly but surely. My other half works, we dont claim benefits, my son is speaking very well, is advanced (to a point) for his age, my house is clean, we're a tidy quiet family. Yet I am convinced its something I/we are doing or have done. My sister is a few weeks from giving birth and i'm finding myself more and more seething, and crying. Now my other halfs cousin has just announced her pregnancy, and i'm even more mortified, atleast I can cuddle my sisters baby and treat him to nice things, I cant with her baby because she dont like me and shes rubbing it in my face every two minutes. Im a serial attention seeker (according to my better half) because I post on facebook if im upset. People ask why, I tell them, they say the usual dregs 'it gets easier' or 'im sorry chick' .... but his cousin, if I post an upset status, she posts a happy one like 'Oh I cannot wait til my baby does this' and I cant help but have horrible, terrible thoughts. I've removed this cow 3 times, its caused huge rows within the family (out-laws) because im being un-friendly etc but yeah... im sorry for posting but I feel like ive just dropped todays baggage on someone else and the weights lifted although its still there too....
Any advice? Serious advice? I've had MC'ages before and they got easier but this one is still with me, I miss my baby more and more daily, its not getting easier yet so please, any help???
A very emotional wreck excuse for a human xxxxxxxxxx
I'm so sorry about your loss..
