Complicated Grieving: Loss of a twin-A year later

[busytulip]

A year ago today (March 27th) I was lying on a table, holding my breath, heart in my throat searching the screen for 2 little heartbeats. When I heard those words that no mother wants to hear..."I'm sorry" and my world stopped. One of our twins had passed.

The next few months were difficult. A sliver of me held out hope that I would still somehow miraculously deliver 2 healthy babies. I was in denial, until the very end. Not real denial, I knew in my head what was real. your heart just plays evil tricks on you.

People around me couldn't understand my sadness following the birth of our daughter. It's a paradox-grieving and elation. I love my daughter beyond words and yet my arms still longed for my baby. I wanted...I want them both. I look at her and just wonder what it would be like. would they look alike? be built in best friends? be night and day from each other?

I no longer cry every day. Not because it has gotten any easier. I think you build up a wall. Especially when loved ones think you should be 'over it' already. I have learned not to let it build. Thankfully I have a loving spouse that is understanding of those days when I do just need to cry.

My life has changed since that horrible day. I am different. Not as naive. A little rougher around the edges, but also more compassionate. I remember in the first few weeks getting through seemingly normal tasks like going to the store or doctor's office were hard. I wished that people knew what I was going through and would just be kinder...give me a bit more time at the register, my brain is elsewhere. So now when I'm out I try to remember that I don't know what is going on in the lives of the people I come in to contact with. Maybe it took a lot of strength for them to get out of bed that day; kid gloves, compassion, patience, a smile- they all go a long way.

It's amazing the ebb and flow of grief. Today was a tough day, perhaps tomorrow will be better.

 

[SoBlessedMama]

Love and hugs, Busy. Thought of you lots yesterday!

 

[mamabee5]

Thank you for sharing. Sorry for your loss.

 

[AnnieMac2]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think your feelings seem so normal and I don't think a year is very long at all to grieve something so important! You sound so compassionate and thoughtful, and your post was so beautifully written. I wish people would be just as compassionate with you and allow you to grieve properly. It's a relief to know that you have an understanding husband. I hope things get easier and congratulations on your baby.

 

[busytulip]

Thank you. Our little one has brought a lot of light into our lives and we are so thankful.

 

[melodyy_mtb]

This really resonated with me, as I am a year behind you I guess. Thank you so much for writing this. I am so sorry for your loss, but joyous about your miracle baby. I hope tomorrow is easier than today.

 

[Dana_Scully]

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard for people who never lost babies to understand. It's like when I say I had an mc and people say "Oh it happens to a lot of women." So? Should it make me less sad? Nope. Yes you delivered a healthy child, but you still lost one. It's normal to grieve, because you should have had both. I still cry about my first mc that happened over 3 years ago. You're right, you never heal, you just build a wall. Some days are better than others, don't lose hope!

 

[busytulip]

Melodyy I am so very sorry for the very recent loss of one of your babies. If you ever need someone to talk to about things feel free to message me. I felt very alone trying to navigate through my feelings and I would hate for another momma to have to go through the same.

Dana you're exactly right, I don't think there is a time table on when someone has to stop grieving. Thank you so very much for your encouraging and kind words.

 

[Cornfieldland]

I just read this... It is beautifully written indeed. It's amazing how much we Love our unborn babies from the start, and how they never leave us. This month is my "due date" and I've found it very hard the way my mind keeps picturing "what was suppose to be". Everyone I know has moved on, it's forgotten, but I'm standing still... lost in the darkness of it all. I guess we are all struggling with that. Its so crazy that everyone just thinks you should get over it, or it happens all the time, so it's OK.
I'm happy you have your daughter to bring you some comfort and light up your life. I know my boys do as well. I hope you get your rainbow soon!

 

[melodyy_mtb]

Thank you busytulip. I might just take you up on that, as you have been through it yourself. That's very kind of you thank you. Right now I feel a bit lost, I have such a loving family around but whenever I try to talk, I cry. So instead I just text lol.

Anyway I hope you have a wonderful day x

 

[DAISYPRENCESS]

I am sorry for you lost. I send my heart with you.

xxx

 

[busytulip]

Corn thank you. I'll be thinking of you this month. I hope that you have an outlet that offers some catharsis. There are some days/anniversaries that are really hard. I look ahead to when J will turn 1 and I already start to feel anxious and pained. It is really upsetting when I feel like I am the only one that remembers my baby so I'm always thankful to have the opportunity to talk about things with other grieving parents. Even though I wouldn't wish baby loss on a single soul, it helps knowing that I am not alone.

Melodyy I did the same. Still being pregnant and having those very crazy hormones on top of trying to walk through all that you are, it's just part of it. And your loss is still very, very fresh. In the first few weeks I walked around in a daze almost. I would find myself crying in the grocery store, while driving in the car, during commercials that weren't even all that sad. I would just have moments and it was okay. Then when I did have a period of time where I didn't think on my baby I would feel really guilty and cry again. It's very hard when you are still growing a little one. I had a lot of fear that I'd lose both of my babies and at the same time I was somewhat hopeful that doctors had made a mistake and both my babies were fine. I'm really happy to hear that you have loving family around to support you and my offer still stands-contact me whenever.

Thank you daisyprencess.