Conflicting feelings

[KahluaCupcake]

Today was my angel's due date. Potentially my little girl's birthday.
I should be absolutely popping with swollen feet and a glowing smile, with clothing and toys in frills and pink all over. Contractions, whether BH or real, should be making me anxious with anticipation for welcoming my daughter to this world.

Instead, I'm about five months pregnant, with little boy clothing and keepings gathering up around us. We are very happily anticipating this baby, who has passed every ultrasound test with flying colors: it looks as though we have a healthy little guy who will actually be joining us in this life.

I should be sad today. I should be mourning.
But I'm at peace with the loss of my baby: a place I never thought I'd reach. At least not this quickly.
I do believe she sent me her little brother to help ease the depression, the pain, the broken relationship that followed her death. The day I lost her, I believe she appeared to me in a dream, as that was my first indicator of miscarriage: a realistic dream just before waking, with a little girl telling me I was no longer pregnant, and looking sad but serious. In the dream, I was defiant, telling her I was, getting verbally aggressive; but she remained calm and repeated that no, I was not pregnant anymore. It was only after I awoke that I began to cry and knew, in my heart, the dream was right.

But I feel guilty that I'm not more upset. I feel like I should be miserable...
Today, a friend is joining me and we are heading to the store to complete my baby registry.
I hope she can forgive me. That she realizes I'm at peace, as opposed to ignoring her loss, or not missing her.
I shed so many tears for her, I'm just not sure any more exist. But there will always be a shadow on my heart, a place where she will always be.

No words can dry a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
The dream is gone, but where there's hope...
Somewhere somebody is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart, let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

 

[wookie130]

Kahlua, you may or may not remember me, but I had a MMC in July @ 10 weeks. My due date was Valentine's Day. As that date was approaching, the depression of TTC, no longer being pregnant, among a million other issues related to the loss, I was absolutely blessed with my first BFP, after taking my first round of Clomid, for ovulation issues. The Lord has finally given me another chance, just 2 weeks shy of my former due date. I am now due around mid-October.

I think everything and anything we feel during and after a loss can be validated somehow. How absolutely amazing that you now will see your baby son in 4 months or so. I pray for the same outcome for this pregnancy for myself.

I had a strong intuition my first pregnancy was a boy. Of course, it was far too early to know either way, but at this point, I'm not holding out any hope for any specific gender...I just want a child I can deliver and HOLD, and take home at the end of this journey.

Anyway, your post touched me. Best of luck, dear.

 

[Lozdi]

Your angel girl knows that you are at peace, she will be watching over you and her little brother, she doesn't want you to be miserable, and she knows how many tears you shed for her, there is nothing for her to forgive, because nothing you feel is wrong. Look how much she loves you, she even told you in a dream that she had to go, its heartbreaking to know you are feeling guilty for reaching an acceptance. Not everybody gets to say goodbye to their angels in a dream, I feel you were very lucky to have that connection with her even though she had to go into spirit.

 

[Stepmomtobio]

Don't feel bad that you don't feel worse. Yesterday was my due date from my last pregnacy. I just kept in mind that I have a new little bundle of joy being sent to me. It doesn't make my loss easier, just calms me a little. I hate to think everything happens for a reason, what reason would it be for us to feel a loss so deep, but this time my pregnancy somehow feels different.
Good luck with your little boy!

 

[tu123]

Dont feel bad. Your angel is happy that you are happy

 

[cb1]

Hi

Like Wookie I also had a mmc in July, and remember your name from the forum (I didn't post much during that time - couldn't quite find the words). I'm not sure how I'll feel when my due date is here (21st) but I hope I can be as calm and reflective as you are.