Coping with jealousy.........help!

[Schmelly]

How do you all handle your 'baby-envy'? We all get it. It doesn't mean that we begrudge other people their beautiful babies, but we desperately want it to be us. I just got in touch with an old friend via facebook, and seeing her profile pic of her and her tiny new baby actually made me physically dizzy. I felt like the blood had rushed out of my entire body.

What coping mechanisms do you all have?

Thanks in advance for any ideas!!!

 

[FJL]

I have found self preservation to be the key. Because of this I have lost friends, neglected family members and have become a hermit basically, but i'm not doing this because i'm selfish or hateful, i'm just trying to protect myself. We go through enough with IF without the added stress and sadness of seeing others living the dream that we're chasing.

Facebook is the worst. Everytime I log on there, there is a new person pregnant, someone complaining about being pregnant or newborn pictures. It makes me feel physcially ill, angry, depressed and sad when I find out that yet another person is pregnant...unless they have truly struggled, then I am completely happy for them...no bitterness whatsoever.

I find it hard to handle people that get pregnant easily. I know its not their fault and they don't deserve my bitterness but its just how I feel and I can't help it.

Who I find impossible to handle are those that get pregnant easily who don't DESERVE it. Such as bad parents, druggos, people wanting baby after baby so they never have to work and the government can support them. Especially here...the government pays WAY too much to parents. You get $7000 baby bonus when the baby is born and this year, you get $1000 for every child (child xmas bonus) and if you don't make much money you get a shitload of welfare money. Hence why we have so many young, terrible mothers wanting to freeload all because the stupid bitches are fertile...why it works that way I don't know

At the end of the day, DH and I are what matters to me. We don't go to christenings, baby showers, maternal wards, kids b'day parties etc. I stay away whenever possible, but you can NEVER avoid it...Its always there...on the tv, in the supermarket etc

 

[wannabmum]

Hi huni sorry u feeling so crap tbh as FLJ said is only way I can as well although unfortunatly I don't get to avoid all bday party as some are dh side of family n his mum goes mad if don't go I'm afraid that there is no real way of making this easier I think it is something we will all feel untill we finally achive our dream, it hurts like hell but we just have to try and belive it will be us one day. in the mean time all we can do is try be there for each other.

xxx

I have found self preservation to be the key. Because of this I have lost friends, neglected family members and have become a hermit basically, but i'm not doing this because i'm selfish or hateful, i'm just trying to protect myself. We go through enough with IF without the added stress and sadness of seeing others living the dream that we're chasing.

Facebook is the worst. Everytime I log on there, there is a new person pregnant, someone complaining about being pregnant or newborn pictures. It makes me feel physcially ill, angry, depressed and sad when I find out that yet another person is pregnant...unless they have truly struggled, then I am completely happy for them...no bitterness whatsoever.

I find it hard to handle people that get pregnant easily. I know its not their fault and they don't deserve my bitterness but its just how I feel and I can't help it.

Who I find impossible to handle are those that get pregnant easily who don't DESERVE it. Such as bad parents, druggos, people wanting baby after baby so they never have to work and the government can support them. Especially here...the government pays WAY too much to parents. You get $7000 baby bonus when the baby is born and this year, you get $1000 for every child (child xmas bonus) and if you don't make much money you get a shitload of welfare money. Hence why we have so many young, terrible mothers wanting to freeload all because the stupid bitches are fertile...why it works that way I don't know

At the end of the day, DH and I are what matters to me. We don't go to christenings, baby showers, maternal wards, kids b'day parties etc. I stay away whenever possible, but you can NEVER avoid it...Its always there...on the tv, in the supermarket etc

 

[Janedoe]

I have always avoided situations that include babies like the plague. Any friends that I had who got pregnant I stopped seeing them also. My whole life has been an exercise in how to avoid anything child related. If I was somewhere and a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby arrived I would leave. It may sound selfish, but as FJL stated, self preservation is the only way to go. I have a friend who also needed ivf and she was the exact opposite. She used to grab family members babies for cuddles and she said she could feel everyones pity and sympathy at her plight.

Now im finally pregnant im having great fun with my friends child, who is also an ivf baby. I spoil her rotten knowing that soon I will have two of my own. I wish you luck for a

 

[Nathyrra]

Right now, I am cut off. It's easier to cope when you don't know what's going on around you. It's easy for me in a way because my family are in a different country. They support me from a distance, and that's a strength. All people in my immediate family are too old/too young or not in relationships currently. So it doesn't feel like a 'threat' that I could get envious if you know what I mean.

There are several women on my husbands side that are or will be trying for a baby soon. I have had to cut myself off from those people for the time being, to try not set myself up to be hurt. I've always been quite shy and reserved, so it's not like people are really missing much with my absense anyway.

I'm not saying that cutting myself off is right. But right now-it's right for me.

 

[Farie]

Hey chick

Right well .... it's a hard one, sadly in my job I don't have the luxury of cutting myself off or avoiding babies .. in fact I think they actually find me! Side effect of my job I guess.

So ... in my opinion there are 2 sorts of 'baby' incidents ...
The 1st is Facebook/Family and social baby envy moments .. these are the hardest .. the days where someone comes into works announces they are pg and says something crass like "very inconvenient right now" or old friends get in touch with baby pics etc ... "ohh she was an accident"
I cope by totally zoning out, in some cases cutting myself off from people and also remembering that if I was getting in touch with old friends its unlikely I'd announce our fertility issues .. so they may have a story we don't know about.
This was highlighted to me a week or so ago when an old school friend got in touch ... I mean OLD school friend too .. we've had no contact for about 10 years .. she now has a bouncing 6 month old ... I got the usual "when you having kids" and reply with something along the lines of "when god bloody well grants me one" ... that opened the conversation up and it turns out she'd had 4 m/c before going full term with her little boy.

The second set of baby incidents is in everyday life, strangers and aquantiances ... babies appearing in the shop a penny a dozen ... every where I turn there a baby in a pram so I cope by imagining that each one was the result of a long stressful TTC journey ... that they had to go through similar to me to get there.

So I guess I cope by imagining everyone has had a rocky TTC road ... it makes it easier to be happy for them and easier to reconcile with myself. And in many cases I think it's true .. most people just don't share the stories.

I'm a nutter

honey ... just remember 2009 is our year .. well will have our BFP's

 

[Schmelly]

Girls...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I don't have time for a proper post right now, but I wanted to let you know I appreciated your thoughts. I'll reply properly later

Thank you!

 

[Beckic]

Hi hun

Just wanted to say that i fully understand why the other girls have tried to cut themselves off from babies - but my coping strategy has been to completely desensitize myself to it by completely emersing myself in the baby world!
I figured that it is going to take me a good while to get pregnant if ever - and so the number of friends / family having kids is only going to get worse. I decided that I had to try to get myself used to this idea now - before it starts being my sisters or my best friends who i cant avoid.

so whenever one of my friends get pregnant I make sure I see them loads during the pregnancy, i talk to them on the phone all the time and spend lots of time with the baby once its born. I used to find it hard at first - but now I dont. Now i can enjoy the time I send with them and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

yesterday I went out for the afternoon with my friend who is pregnant with her second baby and her 18 month old little girl. I was devastated when she told me about the first pregnancy but this time around I didnt feel sad at all. We had such a lovely afternoon - because it is getting harder for my friend to take her little girl to swimming class now she is into the third tri I took her to the class instead. It was so much fun in the pool with all the other mums and their kids and Alexia is a little sweetie. I had such a good time and although I did think I would love to be here with my own chid being with alexia and just being around kids was enough to make me really really happy. we then went shopping and had a good chat about her pregnancy over coffee and we talked a bit about me having IVF and it was just a lovely day.
My AF came on monday and I had ben so down and I can honestly say that the afternoon cheered me up no end.

I know that for others it would have been their worst nightmare - but I really think that by not cutting myself off i have desensitized myself to everything and can now cope with babies / friends pregnancies. I know it will still hit me hard if my sisters or SIL get pregnant before me - but I hope that the work I have put into this with friends will pay off and I will be able to be a wonderful aunty, without crying all the time.

Not only that - but being around other peples kids does make me sometimes appreciate the quiet together time me and DH have - or that I can go to the gym each day / pop to the shops without having to worry about a babysitter - and whilst I would happily give all that up tomorrow for a baby - it is good for me to remember sometimes that my life isnt all that bad.

I know this might not work for everyone but it does work for me.

Crossing fingers for you for a 2009 baby hun,

Bx x x

 

[Schmelly]

FINALLY.........some BnB time!!! Who'd be a music teacher at Christmas?!?!?!

I wanted to reply properly and thank you all again for your replies. I totally understand those of you who avoid all babies like the plague. Sadly this isn't really an option for me - partly because there are too many around me, and partly because I'd feel too guilty. Also, as a teacher, I get news of a new baby brother/sister on an almost daily basis. Yesterday I learned that a 15 year-old girl I used to teach has just given birth to a healthy baby boy.

DH had a moan at me for getting 'grumpy' about not being preg. I really don't go on about it that much, cos I know he doesn't 'get it', but I can't even mntion it now without being 'reprimanded'!!!

I agree that I don't feel as jealous when I know someone has had ttc problems. I feel guilty for that, but I understand it's just human to feel that way. But, Farie, you're right........people generally don't advertise their fertility problems so I guess in a lot of cases we don't know. There are just so many people in my circle of friends who have had babies exactly 9 months after their weddings...too much of a coincidence........or, even worse, not much longer than 9 months after getting together as a couple. I can't bare it, it tears me up.

Hey ho. I really do need a slap round the face with a wet kipper. My good news is that my thyroid levels are now stable and I have the all-clear to re-start ttc. I should be over the moon, but I'm just scared. If I don't conceive now, I have nothing to blame......................

Sorry for the depressing ramble. Am just feeling very lonely, I think. I'd be posting on here much more if I could...but have to hide it from DH, and work a lot

Thanks again girls.

 

[Nathyrra]

Hey chick, you aren't rambling! This is a tough game. I get lonely too, I talk my husband's ear off most the time about it, though I am thankful that he does listen and let me vent. It's still something that we kinda go through alone, even if we are together. If that makes sense!

I'm glad your test results are all fine It's a rollercoster ride this TTC business, I try blame it on things too, to try and give myself a little control over the situation. then I get filled with dread at the same time if my fallback plans don't work! I think it's entirely natural to just worry about it. Just know that you aren't alone, and if you're lonely and need to vent-then here is a good place! I will listen x

 

[Schmelly]

Thanks Nathyrra, I really appreciate your thoughts. You're right about the rollercoaster...I'm on a bit of a downward spiral at the mo. But I'm sure normal service will be resumed shortly!

 

[Omi]

Hi hun,

i too have gone through every conceivable feeling. And as someone has aptly pointed out- the worst thing for me is sitting at work ( i work for social services/ addicitions) and reading/seeing or hearing about yet another alcoholic/druggie getting pg- while i live my life like an effing saint and yet I cant seem to have a baby.

Im 'luckier' socially as most people dont have babies-yet..although we're all in our 30's. The 'luckier' reflects sadly, that i know a few are in the same situation as us here, so although its nice to know your not alone and you can mention it, its a bitch knowing your friends are struggling too. having said that, i had one instant of non-envy when a friend who has been ttc for 5 years finally got pg on her 3rd and last attempt of ivf(at nearly 42)- so there are moments of happiness, pure and unbridled! But- i digress....

Ive tried everything to stem the envy/jealousy and feelings of 'why not me?'. Sometimes, visualising myself in the same lucky place, with a baby of my own works..sometimes nothing but blanking it out does, and very often i just give in- there's a limit to how much i can control myself and i like to say its better out than in!

Im now fearing going over to the in laws on boxing day as my SIL will be there with her 3 and 1 year old. Both conceived and delivered with ease i might add.. I shall be just a week after my 2nd ERCP and i worry how i'll take it...i suspect not very well..but i guess i'll just have to suck it up- as usual.

If nothing else..my only answer to coping with jealousy is..patience. I know its crap but it seems to be the only thing i have to muster truck-loads of- on a daily basis..

, Omi xxx

 

[Schmelly]

Thanks Omi. I heeded your words of wisdom...delved deep into my soul and scraped out every single bit of patience I had. I was starting to feel much better and my PMA was returning....................................

...........then DH came home and told me his friend's wife was expecting her 2nd child (she was pg with #1 when we started ttc). I started crying and DH said he wished he hadn't told me.

Hey ho. At least I can drink gin on Xmas day

 

[mwmm]

I used to be really bad at dealing with pregnant women and babies and would avoid them all at costs where possible, but recently when i was on a nursing placement, all but 3 of the female staff nurses' were pregnant, and it was really tough seeing them walk around rubbing their tummies, and then happily chatting away about baby stuff, infact, i was told not to sit on 'the chair', as they had a theory that the reason behind so many of them being pregnant was due to a 'curse' on one of the chairs at the nurses station..........of course, they didn't know i had been trying for over 5 years, but, i can tell you that it took every ounce of will not to start blubbering. Although this wasn't the main reason for taking a break from nursing, it certainly contributed, as i found it so difficult, plus of course, if we need more than one or two or even three IVfs, being a student nurse means practically no time off to accomadate for stuff like that.

 

[Schmelly]

I used to be really bad at dealing with pregnant women and babies and would avoid them all at costs where possible, but recently when i was on a nursing placement, all but 3 of the female staff nurses' were pregnant, and it was really tough seeing them walk around rubbing their tummies, and then happily chatting away about baby stuff, infact, i was told not to sit on 'the chair', as they had a theory that the reason behind so many of them being pregnant was due to a 'curse' on one of the chairs at the nurses station..........of course, they didn't know i had been trying for over 5 years, but, i can tell you that it took every ounce of will not to start blubbering. Although this wasn't the main reason for taking a break from nursing, it certainly contributed, as i found it so difficult, plus of course, if we need more than one or two or even three IVfs, being a student nurse means practically no time off to accomadate for stuff like that.

That must have been so hard for you Makes me feel like I'm whinging over nothing as we've only been ttc since Aug 2007. I hope taking a break from your student nursing allows you the time and space you need to concentrate on you IVF. Good luck

 

[mwmm]

I used to be really bad at dealing with pregnant women and babies and would avoid them all at costs where possible, but recently when i was on a nursing placement, all but 3 of the female staff nurses' were pregnant, and it was really tough seeing them walk around rubbing their tummies, and then happily chatting away about baby stuff, infact, i was told not to sit on 'the chair', as they had a theory that the reason behind so many of them being pregnant was due to a 'curse' on one of the chairs at the nurses station..........of course, they didn't know i had been trying for over 5 years, but, i can tell you that it took every ounce of will not to start blubbering. Although this wasn't the main reason for taking a break from nursing, it certainly contributed, as i found it so difficult, plus of course, if we need more than one or two or even three IVfs, being a student nurse means practically no time off to accomadate for stuff like that.

That must have been so hard for you Makes me feel like I'm whinging over nothing as we've only been ttc since Aug 2007. I hope taking a break from your student nursing allows you the time and space you need to concentrate on you IVF. Good luck

Awwwwwwwwww thanks hun, but, to be honest, it's tough on all of us no matter how long we have been trying, i think once we know it's not going to happen and we then find ourselves in 'those' situations,it's really upsetting for us all-it's blimmin hard not to end up bitter after so long, and there are times i feel that i am losing hope,but, just got to get on with life, accept that it really is ok to have down days, and that it's all perfectly normal to sometimes feel resentful or even a little bit bitter......i spent many many years keeping this to myself, and it almost destroyed me,so, even when i have my down days, it's not half as bad as it used to be-
Anyway, here's hoping that 2009 brings lots of us those special BFPS!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxx