Could i get some advice please :(

[RhiLee]

Hey ladies
Can i ask you this.

My aunty had her baby boy today hes 6 weeks early and im going to see her on saturday, im scared i wont know what to say or im scared i will say the wrong thing, i dont want to upset her
so if you would like to could you please suggest some nice things i could say to her and things i definatley shouldnt say! i wont be seeing bubba so i could make the mistake of saying something about him.
Thank you i really appreciate it.

 

[AP]

Things not to say....erm...

Dont say "LO will be out soon" or ask "when is LO coming home" Its unlikely she will know and it can be so frustrating to hear that from so many people.

Ask if she needs any help at home or doing anything while she's visiting LO. Dont invite yourself to see baby unless she asks, some mummies are funny about that (I was, I found everyone and anyone invited themselves up, even family doing this frustrated me)

Im sure the others will have more to add here, im a bit lost

Congratulations on your new cousin!

 

[Josephs_Daddy]

One of the things I used to hear regularly was 'Ohhh look, he's so small!'

This is something that is very obvious but can cause a little bit of upset.

Just tell her you're there for them, and compliment how gorgeous that Little One really is!!

 

[katy1310]

Also it's ok to say congratulations - people don't always seem to feel like they can say it but at the end of the day, we are still new mummies even if it's much earlier than expected!

I would agree that you should not ask when he will be home...that was one of the worst things people used to constantly ask me and when a baby is so early, it's such a long stretch ahead and nobody knows when the baby will come home.

I'm sure any offers of help around the house would be appreciated - even just washing, ironing or providing a meal now and again because you get so emotionally and physically drained spending all day every day visiting neonatal. I was very grateful any time anyone cooked for us (thank you Dona if you are reading this!) because we ate so much junk those 3 months! Help around the house would let her concentrate on spending time with the baby and not stressing about not getting anything done at home.

I'm sure that because you're even thinking about what might upset her, you'll be sensitive enough not to say things like "You were lucky not to have to push out a big 8lb baby", "at least you won't have to suffer the discomforts of late pregnancy", "at least you will have time to rest and recover while the baby is in neonatal"...these were just a few of the things that were said to me!

And it's ok to say that baby is gorgeous (even if it's just from photos etc), because under all those tubes and wires, they just look like tiny ickle babies.

I would agree with SB22 about visiting - at the beginning I felt like people were just trooping in all the time! They used to come in 2's or 4's, and the maximum people round the cot was 3, so the week I was still in hospital, Alan would be taking 2 visitors to see Sophie, leaving 2 with me, then coming and collecting the next lot...we had 4 passes a day and all 4 were used every day for the first few weeks. I felt like I had no time with my own baby and there was really no time for the 3 of us to be together.

Congratulations on your new cousin I think it's really caring of you to have come on here to ask these things....you're going to be a lovely big cousin! xxx

 

[Laura2919]

I think maybe focusing on what your going to say may cause you to say the wrong thing. I know its hard sometimes hearing people say things that they dont realise hurt but how are they to know? If you act different around her she wont appreciate it and your more likely to make her upset.
Your her niece, just talk to her like you would. I remember how some of my friends wanted to come and see the girls and asked what they looked like but thats something I asked myself before I see them so I couldnt blame them.
Your family, she wouldnt appreciate you treading on egg shells.

 

[RhiLee]

Thanks everyone for the advice.
Now i was just wondering If you knew when babies come out of hospital being that early? sorry its just so i dont ask her.

 

[Anna_due Dec]

6 weeks isn't too bad in the scheme of the premmie world. Depends on the individual baby of course but i would like to think if i had a 34 weeker that he would get home by 36ish weeks so maybe just a couple unless there is a complication.

 

[AP]

i agree, so long as there isnt any complications, they get out pretty quick at that gestation

 

[chelle7]

I had a 6 week preemie baby and we were in hospital for 8 days. I had people say that at least I would be able to get some rest while there- (with baby in NICU after emergency c section this was not the case!) and that at least I didn't have to go through labour etc. I didn't ever go into labour so have missed that entire part of the pregnancy. The best things people said were how gorgeous my daughter was and was there anything they could do to help. People used to ask when we would be coming home but until the day before we were discharged we didn't know. Originally they said we might be in until she reached 37 weeks gestation but were home when she was 35 +3

 

[Millnsy]

MY little one was also born at 34 + 4 and we were home within a week. She was out of neonatal in 36 hours and then we were up on the ward for the rest of the time together. Hope all is well x

 

[RhiLee]

the doctors told them that he would be in hospital for a month, im not sure why but he seems to be improving so much she even got to hold him last night. so it could be shorter. you all have given me hope he'll be home sooner

 

[Foogirl]

They will generally always say "due date or before" so their "one month" is a general response.

When it comes to your aunt, I honestly thing the best thing you can say is just what you said to us. Tell her congratulations and tell her you have no idea what she might be going through so you might say the wrong thing and she should feel free to tell you if you do. Ask her questions about anything you don't understand. Taking an interest in what is going on is usually popular - I loved telling people all about what was happening.

Of course there are things which might upset her, but it really is so dependent on what kind of person she is. If there was one thing I'd say to particulalry avoid it is any comment about not having to go full term or deliver a big baby or that the birth must have been easier with a little one etc etc.

Have a look at the "introduce your preemie" thread. That should give you an idea of what to expect.

 

[Anna_due Dec]

There is also the "things not say to a premmie mum" thread in this section. Its just us venting but a lot of the things people say are really common.