Cutting Contact down

[bambinoccino]

Eurgh,

Ex and I have been having some arguements recently about contact with the kids,

He has been coming to see them Wednesday night about 6.30pm, then sleeping on my Sofa Friday afternoon - Monday morning and its driving me round the bloody bend!

The kids are so confused as to whether Daddy is here or not, and its really distressing for them especially the yougnest who is constantlly looking round the house for him.

I want to cut down the amount of time he spends here and get rid of Wednesdays completly as the kids go to bed at 7pm so they get far to excited and its a nightmare when he's not here in the morning!

I'm also thinking of making him go home on Sunday afternoon instead of Monday morning, his Bus is at 5.30pm ish on sunday so rather than a rushed goodbye and flying out the door on Monday morning he could stay till after tea on the sunday and hopefully that would be easier on me and the kids!

I've tried to stop him coming on Fridays too as he gets here quite late but he refuses to drop Fridays and says he doesnt see how having their Dad round less will benefit them and i'm just being selfish.

I can see where he's coming from obviously but he doesnt see how upset the kids are and how hard it is to get them into a routine when they are far to young to understand "Daddy's is coming soon but not today!"

Eurgh!

Things are never easy! I really am just trying to do whats best for the kids, I've got no problem him seeing them at all, but they need to get into a routine and be able to understand Mummy & Daddy arent together anymore and our family is different now.

To top it off his family doesnt even know we've seperated and I'm having him, his mum & his brother round for xmas day! *Oh the Joys!*

 

[dustbunny]

What an odd arrangement with regard to him sleeping on the sofa and staying over yours for the night. Won't that confuse your children more as to why their dad is staying over etc? Is this every week? What happens about your life? Not to make you sound selfish but you need your own life too, you've had children, you haven't sold your soul. If I were in your shoes I'd ask him to come round every other weekend, friday night till sunday evening as that seems common practice and if he has to stay on your sofa then so be it.

 

[Laura--x]

Does he need to stay at yours? Could he not have the kids stay at his? Or take the kids anywhere?

I could NOT have fob stay here, id end up killing him lol.

 

[bambinoccino]

Yes it is every week. He doesn't have anywhere suitable for them to stay with him as he is in student digs and his mus house isn't safe for two children. Its all early days still so the ki kids are confused anyway this just seems to be making it worse! I think i can tolerate him more now we've broken up than i did when we were together haha. He won't do every other weekend, not a chance! I don't mind him being ay mine over night as i don't tend to notice once the kids are in bed i tend to just watch dvd s on the laptop in my room

 

[bambinoccino]

I think because our parents spilt up when we were kids and things sometimes got so nasty that we are trying so hard to be nice and be good parents that we are are probably just as bad but in a different way! I have definatly put my foot down about Wednesday now so least new we will get mon-fri on our own abduction im going to tell him at the weekend i want him to go home on Sunday. eek! Its eldest birthday in 2 weeks as well so that will be fun! I might take them away that weekend as her birthday is on the Thursday byte we shall see if i am allowed! Sorry if my spelling is funny i am on my phone!

 

[daveww]

it does seem a very odd situation , but you seem to be making every effort to accomodate him and let the children see him, i would certainly look to see if you could find a soloution to the sofa thing.. possibly he can see the kids on a diffrent day when the buses run a bit later for example , once the kids are in bed he does not really need to be thier as he is not spending time with the children and he could come back in the morning or something.
It may be a little bit frustratin for him havin to travel bk and forth etc. but its a very small sacrafice to see his children.
In my experience and i could be wrong.... if the realtionship is over between you both then it would be much better to allow him access and allow yourself some free time and have a bit of a break, it is his responseability to ensure on the days you have agreed he can look after them suitably and provide a safe enviroment for them.
hope this helps a little

 

[Laura2919]

I also think its an odd arrangement no wonder why your kids are confused.

If it were me i would make it every other weekend and lose the Wednesdays!

I wouldnt feel comfortable with FOB sleeping on my sofa. I'd have very strange thoughts like bopping him on the head with a frying pan just joking. lol.

 

[bambinoccino]

It is an odd arrangement, I think it's because the spilt was a good one if that makes sense? There isnt really any bad feeling, our relationship just wasn't working well and life is too short to be miserable!

We both want to do what is best for the kids, so that is good and I get time to myself when the kids are in Nursery. I don't mind him camping out on the sofa at the weekends but him being here so often is causing problems.

He usually takes the kids out when he is here so I do get "alone time" and to do my own thing.

He can't come any other days during the week due to Uni etc... to be honest I think seeing them Fri,Sat,Sun every week is plenty of time to spend with them!

When things are more settled hopefully we'll get into more of a routine things are still quite new at the moment!

Although we've just kicked off a massive "disscussion" because I've decided to take the kids away from the 15th - 18th of december so he is not impressed...

Never easy is it! Were either accussed of being withches that withold contact and use the kids as pawns or we give so much that it drives us abit loopy anyway!

 

[babybambi2011]

bless ya hun. id just sit down and talk to him... write down the kids routine and tell him when he can and cannot be at YOUR house. its not fair on the kids if they are messed about in their routine. and as you said, the wednesdays seem a bit pointless cuz hese only there half n hour before they go to bed, and then there all excited so dont sleep well.
you are the one that takes care of them 24/7 and you know whats best for them. id simply tell him when he is allowed over and when its not. its your house, your rules! if he doesnt like it, then thats his problem. you are giving your kids the stability they need, and you are doing him a huge favour letting him see the kids in your own home.

my ex comes down at the weekends to see my daughter, but i make sure that he knows its my house, my rules, and if its lilys bed time, its bedtime! shes only 5 months old so its a bit different, but she does notice when hes not here, so i think soon i will make sure he has her at his. he lives in a shared flat but luckily the other guy doesnt mind lily being there for the night, but it was 1 night every 2 weeks.

 

[bambinoccino]

Yer I will do, When he comes this weekend I will sit down with him and talk it through, I'm gonna write up their routine this week so he can see whats happening and hopefully we can talk long enough to sort it out rather than desending into another arguement!

There are times where I could quite happily smack him over the head with a frying pan too haha!

 

[Kacie]

If it is still early days and this is working for you both then ok, but it doesn't sound like a viable longterm plan... what happens if you (or he) starts seeing someone? or you just want your own life without him knowing what you're doing all the time? I think there has to be a deadline on how long this situation can keep going for before you need a more longterm routine in place but you sound very reasonable and responsible so just stick to your guns and decisions. I think, somewhere along the line most men start making us out to be witches when we don't agree to everything they want, but you know you have your kids' interests at heart so that's all that matters.

Hope it all works out ok xxx