Dating

[NicoleLJ]

MOMs of teenagers would love some advice. My daughter is 15 and wants to date. So we are in the process of making up a list of rules for Dating our Child. Would love to know what your rules are.

 

[Boomerslady]

Ohhh Nicole, exciting times!! She's grown up so fast. As I see it dating in the UK is very different to the US. Over here girls of her age tend to just date boys in the same social group as them, and it's very much as simple as a flirt, kiss and then they're your boyfriend!!

What sort of rules are you thinking? What time she should be home, or more how she should behave?

 

[NicoleLJ]

We came up with some rules after talking to some moms who had been through it and also came up with our own that we thought were important. We talked to our daughter about them 2 days ago and both her boyfriend and her agreed with them. Neither of them see them as rules though. They see them more as guidelines about respect.

We also require our daughter to take a course we came up with(a revised version I made from a course I took at the womens shelter). It will teach her about how to spot abuse, how to set healthy boundaries and about what to do it there is or could be any abuse. Who can help and so on. She will be doing a chapter a week with us till it is done. She actually liked this idea too.

Here are our rules:

Rules For Dating Our Child

1. No single dating till 16(they can group date or double date till then)

2. The person dating our child MUST be respectful and polite to our child but also the entire family.

3. We must meet the person our child is dating parents

4. We must meet the person our child is dating before they can date

5. The person our child is dating must come to the door to greet us prior to a date(our sons must do the same for any girl they date with the girls parents).

6. You are not just dating our child but getting to know her entire family(package deal). So to have the privilege of dating our child you must spend at least 2 evening a month joining us for family night(dinner and activity) so we can also get to know you and see how you treat our child.

7. If my child’s grades drop while dating you then all dates are on hold till their grades are back to a grade point average of 80%. So if you want to date my child then you will want to see them do just as well in school as we do.

8. Please respect the hierarchy we have in our home with our children. Their family comes first, then school, then a job and next people they are dating and interests.

9. We do not condone underage drinking, smoking or use of drugs in any way. If we discover that those are an issue for you or become an issue for our child while they date you, then all dating privileges will be removed.

10. When visiting in our home we do have a dress code since we have young children. No clothes with vulgar pictures, swear words or graphic violence. No wearing clothes that show your parts of your private areas including underwear.

11. When visiting our home there are also rules you must abide by. No being in the room EVER of our child that you are dating. No exceptions. No swearing when children under 14 are out of bed(when they are in bed we are a little more lenient but still don’t want someone to swear every other word.) No yelling. If you help make a mess then you must help clean it up.

12. No hickeys, bruises or other marks on my child’s body allowed ever.

13. No overnight dates, I don't care if your parents will be there, my child will not be. We also do not believe in co-ed sleep over.

14. We do not allow people our children are dating to be in the house if we aren't home. And no going to your house if your parents aren't home and I will need to talk to them to verify that fact.

15. If you are here during a meal time, you must join us or come back later. And if you are here for a meal you will be treated like family and expect to help with meal prep and clean up afterwards.

16. All curfews must be respected. Some curfews we will be lenient on if we are approached with respect and will a valid reason(movie, dance, ect.). But if you or my daughter decide to ignore the curfew that was agreed upon and come later then the normal curfew will be lowered. If it continues to be an issue all dating privileges will be removed.

17. Our child is not your ATM, taxi, or Santa. Please respect them and not use them for your gains. If we see this happening we will reconsider you having the privilege of dating our child.

18. Some of these rules can and do change as the situations change. Though these rules may not show it, we are pretty relaxed people and will make compromises if approached with respect and with a valid reason.

19. We understand that you both may want to spend all your time with each other. But family and friends are just as important if not more important. If we find that our child is losing touch with themselves and everyone they care about to focus solely on you then we will have to reconsider the dating privileges.

20. MOST IMPORTANT RULE: If we see any evidence that you are abusing our child in any way we will press charges. Abuse can be physical, verbal, sexual or so on. So please think before reacting.

 

[Boomerslady]

I think it's great having rules in place and to be honest your girl doesn't sound like the typical teenager from what I know!! She's got her head fully screwed on and I'd like to think she'd follow those guidelines without needing to be told them iykwim. Is there an age restriction on it though, once she's older she might not want to follow them so closely!

 

[NicoleLJ]

She is a really good kid. Sadly she was badly abused and tortured physically and mentally for 3yrs by her grandmother. So she understands why we emphasize respect and learning about abuse signs and so on. In some ways she is way more grown up for her age and in other ways she has been stunted in her mental maturity. So we have to really be aware of how she is processing and handling things. We hope she will try her best to follow our rules but she is a teenage.

We do have age restrictions. At 14 they can group date(3 or more couples or 6 or more people). At 15 they can also double date or have a chaperoned date. At 16 they can single date. Our dating rules are in effect till they either move out or come to us in a respectful manner about a rule and give us a legitimate reason to change it.

 

[Boomerslady]

I love that your so proactive about this Nicole. Being honest to me it seems strict (but after all that's happened to her I understand why, and I'd be the same) however my mum had no say in boys or my friends which meant at 14 I was dating and sleeping with older boys and drinking!

At the time I'd've hated guidelines but looking back I wish I had them, and I wish she was bothered enough to want to meet him/his family etc and take an active role in my teenage years.

I think it's also vital for teens to learn thier own lessons in life so although she may break some of these rules and unfortunately end up upset, it might help her grow in the long term.

 

[NicoleLJ]

I am lucky that my daughter likes the rules. After being in my mothers dominating abusive care she sees me as being very reasonable and even tells me off when I don't punish her as severly as she thinks she deserves(she thinks she deserves the worst punishments for the slightest offenses, that is from the abuse she endured).

I know some of the moms thought I was too strict with all those guidelines. Some thought it was unreasonable to even require him to be here twice a week. That is actually my daughters favorite rule. Others thought I was being too light. Some, and I am not kidding, said they would not allow their children to date till after university. And they were not kidding. I don't know how they expect to stop an adult from dating if they so choose. So I think we are right in the grey area.

I plan for these to be the general rules for all our kids and just tweaked for each as needed(since each child's responsibility level can be different.)