Do you get "flashbacks"

[Vickieh1981]

For want of a better word.

I'm not sure why this is happening now or what causes these times when it happens.

I keep thinking about when they told me she died. I laid back on the bed and the sonographer started scanning.

She said "When was the last time baby kicked, have you had any bleeding or cramping?" I remember looking to my Mum (John was at work) and saying the baby is dead Mum. She said don't be so silly and me screaming at her "Well do you see a heartbeat??" I didn't cry then. I just said to her take the kids out please Mum.

Then after the second scan to confirm it I remember ringing John. I feel so bad for him that he had no warning (not that I did either other than a feeling that something wasn't right before I went in). I just said to him, John come home now. He asked why and I just blurted out because our baby is dead Nobody should be told like that.

Then I think the worst bit was coming home to tell the kids. After the scan I had to stay to speak about what they were going to do with me so my Mum came home to get the other kids from school and she told me they were so excited walking home wanting to see the scan pictures.

I remember telling them to sit down as I had some bad news. Andrew (11 year old) said Oh no it's another boy isn't it. I said no, sorry but the baby has died. I will never forget how my boys wailed and threw themselves into me I think that's the worst part, how bad i felt for my children

I guess this is a pretty pointless post but for some reason I felt the need to right it down. Maybe that will make me feel better.

 

[MaevesMummy]

Thats so hard. I am so sorry.
It must be so hard to have to break the news to children I feel lucky (well you know not lucky but luckier...) that I didnt have to deal with that, it was just us.

I ten t and replay events. I was told I had Post Traumatic Stress... not suprising really.
I often sit and think about the moment I saw my daughter died. I dont know why, the strangest things trigger it. xxxxxxx

 

[Vickieh1981]

Awwww hun I didn't know you had your rainbow baby. He is precious. Congratulations.

I think that there are plus and minuses. It was hard to carry the childrens sadness too but on the other hand they give you a reason to get up in the morning.

 

[kiki04]

I do to and also had to come home and tell my kids. My boys 7&9 at the time, and my daughter 3. My boys just sat in pure silence not knowing what to say, and almost simultaneously they both got up, one walked towards the back door and walked outside and the other towards the front door and walked outside. The tears in their eyes crushed me. My daughter didn't understand and kept saying for the following weeks things like "Mommy when is the baby coming out of your tummy?" and I had to keep replaying that scene over and over by gently reminding her the baby wasnt in mommies tummy anymore Baby got sick and went to heaven.

Now she has gone to the opposite extreme saying things like "we need to have another baby cuz if we dont I wanna go to heaven to see my baby sister, and I know you have to die to go there"

I think the devastation they felt hurt me even more

 

[Andypanda6570]

My god it is NOT pointless, I am so sorry you and me and everyone has to go through this, God does it ever get better? it's been 6 months and even longer for you and the pain in our heart is still so fresh My kids were 19 and 17 and 10 at the time and they were just in shock and my 11 yr old I remember would just sit next to me in bed (I would lay in bed most of the day) and he would say mommy are you going to be ok when are you gpoing to be able to get up and take care of us again His face made me push on and get up and do what i had to do, but inside I was completely dead My two older boys really didn't know what to say, they cried because they saw me breakdown at the funeral and they held me up cause I almost passed out I was surrounded by men, my husband and 3 boys and my little Ava was just there in a white box The sadness I carry with me is just profound. I don't care where I am or what I am doing or how much fun I am having Ava is always with me and the sadness always creeps up on me .. I love to sing and now when I sing I cry, the things I love so much to do I still love but there is just a sadness about it. I feel so lost sometimes I was fine all week and today i went to the grave and I lost it, I didn't realize there was a couple behind me, I think I made them cry cause I was crying so hard and saying that I missed my Ava and that no matter what I will find her in heaven . If you ever need a buddy i am here, I am so deeply sorry for your loss and your family's loss.
I am thinking of you and yours

 

[daopdesign]

Even though all your kids were young this just goes to show that they are sensitive to these awful tragagies. I am sorry for your loss hun

We take our (nearly) 2 year old to our son's grave and I know in the near future he will start asking questions. Not sure exactly what I'm going to say!

 

[Vickieh1981]

My two year old doesn't ask tbh. He just says it's Bellas place. He was only 15 months when we lost her so doesn't remember but just accepts that is his sister without any questions.

Maybe your son will be the same xx

 

[daopdesign]

My boy 'I think' is actually enjoying these visits as he gets to play and run around with the toy diggers and windmills! It's a nightmare remembering where he got everything from haha. I'm that busy with my floral arrangement and he's that quick he has half the cemetary toys away with him!

 

[Aunie]

I go over that day in my head a lot, I try to change it in my mind. The u/s machine was broken, the baby was turned a funny way.

I have a question, i hope no one minds. I was 17 wks 4 days and the doc said my baby died at 16 wks. There was no fluid around the baby and she didn't know if this happened before the baby died or after. Did your scans show fluid around the baby? Was i leaking and didn't know it? This is the farthest I've ever gotten in pregnancy, I didn't know anything was wrong

 

[jennijunni]

I have them all the time. I delivered my baby boy in our bathroom into my hands, and I can see his face, and what he looked like. I almost bled to death, and have continuous flashbacks of that as well, and how scared I was and how I felt. I remember that day so vividly, and will remember it until the day I close my eyes forever. Hugs mamas!

 

[Nikki_d72]

I think flashbacks are inevitable. I also know that if they get bad they are often a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so it might be worth reading up on, but I'm not sure what can be done - probably counselling or therapy. Your post is not pointless at all, it's good to get it out. Do you think it's surfacing now because you've been focussing on your rainbow pregnancy and pushing your feelings below the surface and now they are coming back to the surface? There maybe wasn't room enough in your head to process both at once. Just an idea. if so, expressing them here and elsewhere may help a lot, so definitely not pointless.

I know what you mean about having to tell other children, I hated having to shatter my daughter's innocence like that. I hated seeing her greive and suffer but she was also my reason to keep going, so you're right, it's a double-edged sword having other kids when it comes to this.

Aunie, sorry but can't answer that as my waters broke causing my loss. I'm sure someone more knowledgable will be along to answer that, but if your doctor didn't know then it may be one of those unanswerable questions unfortunately. I know how it feels to seek answers when there are none.

 

[Vickieh1981]

I go over that day in my head a lot, I try to change it in my mind. The u/s machine was broken, the baby was turned a funny way.

I have a question, i hope no one minds. I was 17 wks 4 days and the doc said my baby died at 16 wks. There was no fluid around the baby and she didn't know if this happened before the baby died or after. Did your scans show fluid around the baby? Was i leaking and didn't know it? This is the farthest I've ever gotten in pregnancy, I didn't know anything was wrong

There was still a lot of fluid around Isabella. We had no reason why she died as everything looked fine. I still in my head keep thinking that they were possibly wrong, maybe she was fine but I let them give me the tablets to induce and I killed her I read about people being told their baby was dead when it was fine and drove myself insane.

I think flashbacks are inevitable. I also know that if they get bad they are often a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so it might be worth reading up on, but I'm not sure what can be done - probably counselling or therapy. Your post is not pointless at all, it's good to get it out. Do you think it's surfacing now because you've been focussing on your rainbow pregnancy and pushing your feelings below the surface and now they are coming back to the surface? There maybe wasn't room enough in your head to process both at once. Just an idea. if so, expressing them here and elsewhere may help a lot, so definitely not pointless.

I know what you mean about having to tell other children, I hated having to shatter my daughter's innocence like that. I hated seeing her greive and suffer but she was also my reason to keep going, so you're right, it's a double-edged sword having other kids when it comes to this.

Aunie, sorry but can't answer that as my waters broke causing my loss. I'm sure someone more knowledgable will be along to answer that, but if your doctor didn't know then it may be one of those unanswerable questions unfortunately. I know how it feels to seek answers when there are none.

I don't think it's as bad as ptsd but I hate the times when it all comes back

 

[Aunie]

vickieh1981-Thank you for answering me. If you had two scans i would say that they were right honey. I also had two scans to confirm, she zoomed in on the heart so i could see it wasn't beating. Even when i had a scan at 6 weeks i could see the little heart beating away so it was very obviously absent on my last scan

 

[Vickieh1981]

vickieh1981-Thank you for answering me. If you had two scans i would say that they were right honey. I also had two scans to confirm, she zoomed in on the heart so i could see it wasn't beating. Even when i had a scan at 6 weeks i could see the little heart beating away so it was very obviously absent on my last scan

Well it was one scan but they got a senior sonographer to confirm it. They zoomed in on her heart too and as you say even to my untrained eye the heart was empty and not beating It just plays on my mind