Does anyone find it hard to relate to other mummys?

[maisiemoo]

When I attend baby groups, i get alot of questions relating to Olivia's weight vs actual age. After explaining that she was born prematurely, the response i often get is "oh that must have been really hard for you". In addition to this, i feel the need to explain Olivia's strange cough and subsquently, skim over the fact that she has had surgery and briefly explain her condition. Anyways, the end result is that I feel the conversation starts on a sad note and other mums just don't want to hear it, with the convo becoming a little awkward afterwards. I really try to make light of it, not give too many details and turn the discussion to their children but the damage is already done.

As well as this, Olivia attends a baby group with LO's around her corrected age. When talking about milestones I feel that her achievements are almost discredited because of her actual age.

I think it's also fair to say that because of my experience, i do find it hard to relate to ladies who have had the uncomplicated, full term babies. However, i do think its mutual. Here's an example from Monday - a lady was talking about BF and discussing how she was finding it tough/too demanding/draining etc and I happened to mention that Olivia is on a 2 hourly schedule and I don't necessarily always feed on demand. Well she looked horrified and another lady who overheard, came in and said "I thought BF are supposed to be fed on demand - do you just let her cry then". I tried to explain that the two hourly schedule is necessay as I have to monitor her feeding closely and that i don't ever let her cry. Anyways, i she wasn't really listening as she went off on when about how she doesn't agree with putting a BF on schedule.

Does anyone else experience anything like this? I'm sorry if I've rambled and it doesn't make sense, but all I want is to mingle with other mums and for Olivia to mingle with other babies and not have to explain myself all the time

 

[Laura2919]

Its pretty much like that here too! I dont usually get involved with my friends who discuss their LO's and what they do when they do it because my girls were early and they spent 4 weeks in hospital. I never experienced bringing my LO's home straight after having them so its hard to know what to say.
Its like a lot of things walking, talking, crawling, eating.. I do try to explain though what it was like for me and they are all really happy to listen and take it in!

 

[alibaba24]

I totally do especially with people who have babies ages with rosalies actual age. It makes me feel like her development is behind and i need to explain why she does or doesnt do things x

 

[AP]

Im afraid I've learnt that in some cases corrected and actual age are right out the window and I have to remember shes doing it in her own time.

 

[25weeker]

I usually have the opposite. Because 11 1/2lb term babies are usually still very young and not doing much people expect Holly to be the same and think it's great when she is doing the things a 5 month does and no one would ever compare her to an 8 1/2 month baby as they are twice her size!

 

[Sugarmuppet]

I usually have the opposite. Because 11 1/2lb term babies are usually still very young and not doing much people expect Holly to be the same and think it's great when she is doing the things a 5 month does and no one would ever compare her to an 8 1/2 month baby as they are twice her size!

Reminds me of being in the supermarket once and the cashier asking how old Gaby was, conversation went along the lines of 'she's 26 weeks' '6 weeks! Isn't she big, so alert and advanced for her age!' 'yeah' Figured it would be the one time anyone would say that so I just agreed!

 

[ProudMum]

I don't have a prem baby, infact both mine were fashionably late- however, i just want to comment on the fact you feel kinda awkward when mentioning certain things in mother and toddler groups etc:

Firstly, I dont think its the fact that your daughter was premature thats making you feel awkward, I think its more to do with the fact that you dont know these people that well and to some extent you feel folk are there to judge you?

my eldest son just started private nursery and its one of those quiet village nurserys where every parent knows every child and every mother knows the other mothers business and so forth- well me being a city gal i keep myself to myself and I dont like people prying into my business so to speak; anyway, when i take my son to the nursery i always feel as tho im put on trial; i find myself feeling as tho i have to explain why he's not talking like the rest of them, why he's got a bruise on his leg etc etc:
I think it's just how some people feel- i dont think folk are judging us, i think its because we are trying so hard to do our best that we feel as tho we need to explain every little detail so that parents dont think we're bad mothers.


maybe ive got the wrong end of the stick totally but i personally think you feel the way you do because you're trying so hard to do your best with olivia and you want others to see that too. I know thats how I feel most days when people see my children.. infact i've started to hate the nursery my son goes to because i've convinced myself people dont like me or dont see my son the same as they see the others, basically because we're "outsiders"


i've probably got the wrong end of the stick totally lol

 

[maisiemoo]

Perhaps Proudmum has a point, maybe I am over compensating a little and just not relaxing. I suppose with the emotions/anxities and fear that comes with have a prem baby and a baby with a serious condition, its almost a little too personal and being quite a private person maybe i'm actually struggling to talk about in away that makes me feel comfortable Bah, it's nice to know i'm not alone - i just hope it gets a little easier!

 

[ProudMum]

Perhaps Proudmum has a point, maybe I am over compensating a little and just not relaxing. I suppose with the emotions/anxities and fear that comes with have a prem baby and a baby with a serious condition, its almost a little too personal and being quite a private person maybe i'm actually struggling to talk about in away that makes me feel comfortable Bah, it's nice to know i'm not alone - i just hope it gets a little easier!

i didnt say you were over reacting hun (over compensating as you put it ), i just simply tried to relate to you by telling you my situation.
im sorry your little one is unwell, bless her and it must be really hard for you but sometimes because we try so hard to do our best for our kids, it sorta makes us feel we have to prove it to everyone else too- hence why you feel you need to explain certain things like the breastfeeding and stuff- kinda rude the way the lady worded her reply to you, as if you were doing something so terrible, and the "are you leaving her to cry" comment was bang out of order and would leave anyone feeling uncomfortable.

i cant get on with other mums either- i dont know why. i too feel like im always being judged for my parenting skills. its why i have never been to a mother and baby group, with my anxieties i dont think i'd last 5 mins.

 

[hopedance]

i find this too.

when everyone is getting to know each other, loads of common questions come up about, i find it mainly over discussion of anything third trimester related, milestones, and feeding. e.g. when everyone discusses feeding, i feel like i have to explain about sam being tube fed, then bottle fed, then breast fed when i got him home etc.

oh, and 'those early days with a newborn' conversations... lol. when the other mums talk about that, i just don't have any relevent input at all, other than what it's like to trek to the hospital on the bus each day. then if i try to join in, it ends up being me telling 'sam's story' and everyone just shuts up and listens with no comment except 'poor you' and 'gosh wasn't it hard', nothing that they relate to at all. then i start trying to lighten it by saying how he's fine and desperately try to turn the conversation back to everyone elses babies again..

sam is more normal in milestones at the moment, but he crawled/cruised really early for his age (both corrected and actual). i think he was 8 months actual/5.5 months corrected or something like that when he started really getting on the move. when strangers asked me about him, i started telling them his corrected age without mentioning him being premature, got some fun comments then.

 

[Fiestagal]

I find I keep quiet in some conversations too. I have had a problem free pregnancy with my eldest but I have avoid baby groups mostly with Connor. I did feel comfortable with the bf group I went too but one of the newer mums was a bit rude when she saw me feeding Connor some yoghurt. She shouted across the room 'how old is your baby?', he was 7 months at the time but probably about 10 1/2 lbs, when I said his age she replied 'oh my god, do you have any more small children?' One of the other mums piped up and said he was prem and he has done so well since coming to the group, she backed off after that.

I've just started going to a music class with C and listened to a conversation with 2 other mums about how one of their babies was slipping down the centiles, he weighs 11 1/2 at 9 weeks and she is worried as his weight gain is slow. I know she is entitled to her own concerns but I did think to myself being on a centile would be nice.

 

[Foogirl]

Perhaps Proudmum has a point, maybe I am over compensating a little and just not relaxing. I suppose with the emotions/anxities and fear that comes with have a prem baby and a baby with a serious condition, its almost a little too personal and being quite a private person maybe i'm actually struggling to talk about in away that makes me feel comfortable Bah, it's nice to know i'm not alone - i just hope it gets a little easier!

No I don't think you are. And I know you are certainly not alone in feeling the way you do. Most (if not all) of the preemie mums I know have felt the same way, and I certainly did. It's not about social awkwardness or being unsure of other people, it is about shared experiences and empathy. As hopedance says, the chat is about things which we have either never been through, or where our stories are so horrific you can't just drop them into the conversation. I found that "oh, my waters broke at 29 weeks then I bled to the point where I lost 2pints and nearly died" is a real conversation stopper

The other mothers in the group have absolutely no idea what you've been through (and what you are going through) And often they may well find it difficult to know what to say, wonder whether they can ask certain questions and will compare your baby to theirs, or others and make the most inappropriate observations. In fact, this was the reason I just never bothered with them. I got so sick of explaining slowly that she wasn't able to sit with the other babies the way that they do, and oh by the way can you please stop your toddler rubbing his snot into her face as she has a weak immune system due to her prematurity and a chest infection could kill her.

Is there a premature baby support group in your area? Have a look on the Bliss website to see if there is one locally and if not - start one up! There may well be plenty of ladies in your area who are on the Bliss messageboards who will have a coffee with you. The experience of meeting other preemie mums is really good. When I first met Dona and Bumpsmum off here, I was amazed at how comfortable we felt - immediately - because we had a commonality and our discussions were all about our shared experiences of NNICU and all that goes with it.

Hope you find somewhere you feel comfortable soon.

edited to add:

Found this https://www.bliss.org.uk/branch.asp?section=000100010001001500050012&itemid=1016&search=poole Support Group in the Bournemouth/Poole area.

 

[Foogirl]

it ends up being me telling 'sam's story' and everyone just shuts up and listens with no comment except 'poor you' and 'gosh wasn't it hard', nothing that they relate to at all. then i start trying to lighten it by saying how he's fine and desperately try to turn the conversation back to everyone elses babies again..

Ick! I forgot about this! Save me from the pitying looks and the "awww poooooor yooooo"