does anyone??

[peapod11]

does anyone on here come across anyone saying that their FOB comes around and everything works out, or are they all literally arse holes..

i feel im holding out with the slight hope he is going to come around, because up until i feel pregnant we only ever imagined life together as a couple. this is all breaking my heart

 

[Dezireey]

I'm in the same boat. Our relationship was actually getting better and we were closer than ever and then...I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby and he just bolted. He said he was angry with the situation but I know he was angry with me for making that decision (I guess in a man's defense, if they don't want kids, this is always not their choice in the end and they feel powerless and angry about the lack of control they have)

I spent a long time thinking he will come around when the baby is born but to be honest, the longer that time goes by, the less I believe that. He is probably adjusting now to life without me, hasn't asked for me back and that means he is probably sticking by his decision. I wouldn't hold out hope for your guy coming around as if you pin all your hopes on him seeing his kid and suddenly changing his mind, it will be a sad time for you if he doesn't do that.

Some people do tell me 'oh he is just scared, frightened, he will come around once he sees his child/knows his child is a reality' but this does not apply to all men and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Best is to be prepared for the worst and not expect the best really.

As a positive - I think that I will definitely have more closure on everything though when the baby is born. I will tell him and send a picture and if he still does not want to know, at least I can move on properly with more clarity. I understand where you are coming from, you sort of hold out a little grain of hope that he falls into the 'I was just shit scared really but now I have calmed down and seen sense' category of FOB.

 

[peapod11]

our situation sounds exactly the same, and yea he doesnt ask about me at all..
i got angry about a month ago with suffering headaches for around a week and sent him a angry message, basically saying that he didnt care for me, im suffering and he dont ask about me, im still the same person that apprently he loved so why dont he care now.. his reply was 'i do care for you and want to message you to make sure your ok, but dont think its for the best at this moment, give it a few weeks until we settle down and then we can talk more' and iv literally heard nothing since... this is the longest we have never not seen or spoke to in 4years, we lived together. i feel the same as you, he is probably adjusting to life without me and probably wont come around now...
goodness why are men so horrible and why is life so cruel, i generally thought when we found out that neither or us wanted this but he would never leave me because he has never in the 4years attempted to break up and if we had an arguement he was the one forcing me to talk to sort things out. now when i need him most he is nowhere to be found... he knows i dont have any family around and nos im alone but still no once off caring towards me.

sorry to go on, im just so upset with how my life is turing out, i absolutely love my baby now and would never change my decision for the world, and will never show it anything other than love, i just wish we were together as a family and my heart wasnt being ripped apart. so much to deal with on top of being pregnant

 

[Dezireey]

It's hard to understand why they do this but I do try somedays to get inside his head and understand him. Maybe they did not actually see a complete future with us anyway? e.g 'this is not the woman I ever want to marry but I love her and love it being just as it is between us for as long as we can last' and then when we tell them we are pregnant, we might aswell have forced them to marry us or something and it then helps them make that decision quickly to leave us. I also try and understand the reason why he does not want kids (something in his past, childhood etc? no financial stability or his life is just in a bad place right now) Whichever way you look at it, they have justified all this to themselves and left us because of their own personal reason. My FOB agonised over his decision for a few weeks saying he was torn up about ending it with me but saw no way out for both of us because we were both at deadlock on our decision. Checkmate on the relationship so to speak.

I'm like you though, I believe if you genuinely love someome, want to be with them etc, you stick by them when the poo hits the fan. When you sit outside the box you must look at it differently, my parents have a point when they say the following, and this keeps me stronger.

- Why would you even want now after this to get back with / get involved anyway long term with someone who lets you down this badly?, he has done you a favour by leaving.


- If he wants to be an active father he will do this only of his own accord. Let him know you are unhappy about his decision, leave the door open for him to be involved. Tell him when the baby is born. Do nothing else, leave him alone to think and for you both to move on.


Hope that helps a little?

 

[MumToBe2012]

He could come around - men can surprise you and sometimes they take a longer time to get over the shock of it all. Not all men, but some. BUT I've always held the view to think of the worst possible outcome, and try to tell yourself that's how it's going to be. Otherwise, it's going to kill you thinking positively and then getting let down.

What you have to do now is just focus on your baby, think of all the support systems you have without the FOB and go with it. Chances are, if FOB doesn't change his mind when you have your baby, then your baby is better off without him anyway.

 

[peapod11]

i know what you mean and he never made any sort of commitment towards me in 4years, although i thought he did love me!
to begin with he said we should embrace it and get on with it then he changed, he said he would never leave me but i would end up leaving him with how he would cope, now i dont live with him, i guess its easier for him to not stay in touch than to stay in touch. i just know that i could never put anyone threw so much pain, and even for what he has done to me i still get upset thinking i hate the thought of him hurting... i guess he isnt getting upset with how he has hurt me

 

[teal]

I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting so much The best thing to do is to plan as though he won't come around.

My ex is a complete waste of space and never came around. I made the decision to try and contact him one last time (he cut all contact previously) a few months ago and I received nothing but abuse.

xx

 

[peapod11]

How long where u together! Abuse? What a horrible bloke, I feel that us women in these situations deserve nothing but praise and it's them
That deserve abuse, they are the ones that walked on you pregnant who never thought to give an innocent child a chance! It makes me really cross how they manage to away with these things! Although I'm a firm believer in karma!! X

 

[Laura2919]

I'm sorry your going through this. I agree with Teal, you need to plan as though he isn't coming back.

But if he did come back you have a lot of factors to get through, why he left, why he felt he couldn't be a dad. You have to make sure your doing the right thing and he isn't going to leave again when the going gets tough.

It is so hard to go through something like this but eventually it does get easier, it feels like it doesn't at first, feels like your heart will never mend and you will never move on and have a wonderful life but you will. You have to let go of things and when you do you will find peace and move on.

Good luck hun, wishing you the best. xx