Does it ever get easier?

[jennys]

Earlier this year I lost a little girl at 20 weeks. I was totally devastated. Two months later I fell pregnant again and I'm now 17 weeks. This pregnancy has been terrible emotionally. No joy at all just worry and grief over my lost daughter. I thought that being pregnant again would help and that I would feel a bit calmer when getting into the second trimester but it is actually getting worse. Each week I feel there is more to lose.

Before losing my daughter I had no idea how much of a baby it is already at 20 weeks. I was expecting to see a fetus but got to hold my perfect but tiny baby girl. As I'm getting further in my pregnancy I dread having a baby of that size or bigger in my belly that I can lose at any point.

I have a 3 year old daughter so I know that I can have a living baby I just can't focus on any positives right now and I have no idea how to get out of this mind set.

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm not going to lie to you, for me it didn't get easier. I lost my little girl at a similar point in my pregnancy as yours and it destroyed me. When I fell pregnant again I could not relax. And once I found out it was a girl that made it a million times worse. But I sought help. I spoke to my midwife about my feelings and was referred to a specialist midwife to help me deal with things. She was amazing and really helped me get through the rest of the pregnancy. She has even helped me through my most recent pregnancy once old feelings started resurfacing. The best piece of advice she gave me is to face on day at a time. Don't think ahead. Just think today I am pregnant and enjoy every second. I'm not going to lie, some days were still hard. But accepting that I needed that extra help and someone to talk to was the best thing I ever did. If you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to drop me a message

 

[jennys]

Thank you for your honesty! When I found out the gender things got much worse for me too, only I'm expecting a boy. But I've read lost of stories with ladies being devastated when finding out the sex both with the same as their loss and the other. Probably it's not about the gender at all but being able to picture the baby you are so afraid to lose.

I have a great midwife who is really caring but all she says is that my feeling are normal. I can't imagine feeling like this for another 22 weeks if it continues to get worse. I feel guilty also because I'm not wanting or trying to connect with the baby. I think I started to feel the baby move today and I wasn't exited like I've been in my previous pregnancies. It''s like I'm terrified of something going wrong and indiffenrent to the positives all at once.

 

[maryanne1987]

I found that my normal midwife as lovely as she was just couldn't provide me with the emotional support I needed. Have you had any counciling at all since your loss? There are a few miscarriage and still birth charities that offer it if you need it. I was the same as you, couldn't get excited and felt no bond with the baby i was carrying. I wouldn't talk about being pregnant or buy anything. I felt awful as I felt like I was not only being a terrible mother to my unborn but I was also ruining the experience for my DH and son who were so excited. It is normal though, and those feelings do improve a little. We had a lot of extra scans anyway but we paid for a 4d scan and I will say it really helped. Seeing my little girls face so clearly helped me bond with her.

 

[LDC]

I agree with maryanne - I found the whole pregnancy was full of anxiety. I lost my little boy at almost 22 weeks, I also had a huge bleed at 14 weeks with my last pregnancy which didn't help my anxiety!

I found I was worried when I came to the week that I lost my son and then I was worried about other things happening. I worried right until my son was in my arms and safe.

Please rest assure that your feelings are totally normal, just make sure the levels of worry or anoxety aren't impacting on you in relation to your health, if that makes sense. its great that you have a good midwife - my consultant would always ask if I needed any extra support and that really helped.

I just exploded with love when my son was born; please try not to worry - I didn't enjoy my pregnancy for worry and that was my last pregnancy so I feel sad that I didn't cherish it more, I was too busy panicking!

good luck lovely, I am sure you will be fine xx

 

[jennys]

maryanne - I'm the same way. I just told my parents about the pregnancy yesterday and haven't told one single friend. I dread being congratulated because I don't feel there is anything to be happy about yet. I just can't handle other people being happy for me when I'm not happy about it.

I haven't seen anyone about my miscarriage since we moved to another state just after it happened and I just didn't have the energy to find someone in our new city. I know that I should because right now I can't stop thinking that I'm having the wrong baby, it should be my little girl. And it kills me cause this little boy have done nothing to deserve this. It's just hard to take the step cause I'm ashamed to admit it to anyone.

 

[maryanne1987]

What you have to remember is even if baby had been a girl, it still wouldnt be the little girl you lost. I know how hard that is trust me, I had a girl but still feel the exact same. For me it was the fact I didn't want a another baby, I wanted the baby I lost back. The minute you hold your little one though I can promise all the hurt and pain does fade, and no it will be never be the baby you lost but your rainbow will help you through it. You really have nothing to be ashamed about though. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Cookingbun22]

Hi,
It gets easier, be kind to yourself. I know this is hard to hear if you're not in the right headspace but everything happens for a reason. Our son was born and we lost him at 5months old, he is now with God. Some things are out of our hands and hanging on to things we can't control only makes moving forward harder. The peace I found through The Lord got me through. I gave all my worries to him. We went on to have a healthy daughter and now I'm pregnant again.
I will always love my son, but he wasn't destined for this world, and as tough as it was to accept, that decision was not up to me.