Does my partner seriously want a baby?

[acruise]

Me and my girlfriend, who turned 35, about a month ago have been trying to have a baby since last august. Admittedly some of those months we were seperated by long distance have only managed to be together a couple of times around the fertile period. Anyway like everyone here it hasnt happened as soon as expected, so I've been trying to do my research learning about charting, diet and so on; however, I'm now getting this feeling that she is only half-heartedly TTC, which i find a little surprising given her age. For example i am often having to remind her to take a temperature every morning and then its me who is having to compile a proper chart. She isn't doing any reading about how to improve her chances, which dissapoints me when i see the efforts of various women on forums such as these. Sometimes she gets frustrated during intercourse if its taking a long time or gets up soon after rather than lie on a pillow and allow the sperm sufficient time to swim. She is also not making much effort to improve her diet, take vitamins or seek dietary or lifestyle advice from an expert. A few days ago (probably a week after ovulation) we were at someones place for dinner and she had already had a few glasses of cocktail. I don't forbid her to drink in moderation, but on this occasion i told her that she had already had more than enough yet while my back was turned she started another glass. Am I right to be feeling like this? I try not to put too much pressure on her but sometimes i feel like she doesn't care very much and may even be doing harm to a possible child by drinking like this.

 

[velo]

I think if you are asking this question then its probably best to have a heart to heart talk!

 

[Storm1jet2]

No one can answer that question but your GF. Deciding to try for a baby is a huge step and although I personally want one with all my heart I do get scared about the enormity of times. I'm married, financially secure and love my husband with all my heart but even I am a little nervous of the impending responsibility a baby will bring.

You need to sit down and tell your OH how you feel and listen to what she is feeling. Maybe she feels that by being a little more flippant it will happen, or maybe she is scared. Many women carry on as normal during the 2WW as they feel that doing what they would do if they knew they were pregnant is more stressful.

Hope you manage to sort it out between you as you both need to be 100% sure!

 

[FuzzyCaz]

I don't forbid her to drink in moderation, but on this occasion i told her that she had already had more than enough yet while my back was turned she started another glass. Am I right to be feeling like this? I try not to put too much pressure on her but sometimes i feel like she doesn't care very much and may even be doing harm to a possible child by drinking like this.

Really don't know how to reply to this, without getting myself banned from here.

But to be honest, the fact you told her she'd had too much to drink... is probably what caused her to start another glass...!

And what's with the use of the word, 'forbid'?

Possibly I have misinterpreted your post, but those comments I quoted really flagged up warnings to me!

I think you guys really do need to have that heart to heart, but if my OH behaved towards me in the way you are suggesting that you are behaving, he'd be sleeping on the couch!

It is possible you're putting much more pressure on her than you think.

Perhaps its just a case that you're firmly in the TTC camp, all gung-ho for split-second timing and the perfectly planned conception...whereas she's happy out in the NTNP camp, and can take or leave it.

 

[GraceFace]

I agree with everything that has been said already, but would add the last thing you want to do is treat your partner as a child, and that seems to be the direction you are headed. Slow down and talk to her. She's probably feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders.

 

[acruise]

Really don't know how to reply to this, without getting myself banned from here.

But to be honest, the fact you told her she'd had too much to drink... is probably what caused her to start another glass...!

And what's with the use of the word, 'forbid'?

Possibly I have misinterpreted your post, but those comments I quoted really flagged up warnings to me!

I think you guys really do need to have that heart to heart, but if my OH behaved towards me in the way you are suggesting that you are behaving, he'd be sleeping on the couch!

It is possible you're putting much more pressure on her than you think.

Perhaps its just a case that you're firmly in the TTC camp, all gung-ho for split-second timing and the perfectly planned conception...whereas she's happy out in the NTNP camp, and can take or leave it.

It's not unfair to expect a few sacrifices from her as i have made some big ones myself like leaving my job in order for us to be together. Plus with her being 35 now i would've thought that she would be more inclined to try to avoid things that might reduce her chances of having a baby. I dont mind her drinking a bit more than usual for a week or so after the period starts but after that perhaps it isnt a good idea. Besides i drink less alcohol than she does so its not like there are any double standards going on here. As i said i don't feel i'm being too unreasonable and being an equal part of the relationship and a possible future father of her child, surely i'm entitled to some say in the matter.

 

[Indigo77]

Some women are very proactive and goal-oriented in TTC and others are more laid-back. I know that if I let myself go there....I will get 'all-or-nothing' about it and that will take all the fun out of TTC...So, for right now, I am choosing to be laid-back and have fun. If you do not like her approach, have a chat with her and try to get on the same page. Try not to use the word 'forbid'...If were her, I think your approach would make me feel pressured...And let's be realistic, there are no 'equal' parts to pregnancy...

 

[FuzzyCaz]

It's not unfair to expect a few sacrifices from her as i have made some big ones myself like leaving my job in order for us to be together.

Not its not unfair...assuming she is singing from the same hymn-sheet as you with regards to TTC.

Not that its any of my business, but I'm a little curious - Did she make you leave your job, or did you choose to leave your job?
No, don't answer that....I'm just being snippy

Plus with her being 35 now i would've thought that she would be more inclined to try to avoid things that might reduce her chances of having a baby.

But if she's not that bothered about the idea of having a baby, which is the impression you're giving (again, apologies if I've misunderstood) then why would she change how she lives.
Or as other's have suggested, perhaps she's so overwhelmed by the idea, that she's perhaps just trying outwardly to carry on as normal, in case it doesn't happen at all.
I know myself, at 37, I was all consumed by the idea of having a baby all the years I was specifically told not to under medical advice...and now I've got the green light to TTC, I'm scared whitless it'll never happen, that its all too late. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because already I've almost done all the grieving I physically can for the baby I thought we'd never be allowed to have..and to be honest I'm almost too afraid to really start trying. And instead, I keep making excuses to myself as to why we should wait...just one more month...!

As i said i don't feel i'm being too unreasonable and being an equal part of the relationship and a possible future father of her child, surely i'm entitled to some say in the matter.

Yes of course you have some say in the matter, and indeed so does she. Be careful you don't dictate to her how she should be behaving though, that would personally put my back up immediately. I'm still uncomfortable with your use of the word "forbid" - that just doesn't sit well with me.

I still maintain that you two need to sit down and have a proper heart to heart over this baby-makin' business.
There are always two sides to any story, and she isn't here to give her side...but if what you say is true...then I'm not entirely convinced she's as keen on the idea as you clearly are.

Don't get me wrong, I think its great that you are taking such a pro-active interest in all this, many women the world over would be thrilled to have a partner who did the research into it all that you clearly have...but just make doubly sure your OH is on the same road, going in the same direction.
And if it is all getting too overwhelming for her, hence her alleged apathy to 'taking it seriously' then the best you can do is to be just as quick to reassure her that if it doesn't happen for the pair of you, for whatever reason, then the world won't end and you'll still love her regardless

Out of interest, have you shown her this thread? If you're unable to sit down and have "the chat" - then maybe showing this to her is an easier way to open up the conversation.