Dream Vacation or Baby first?

[chamomiletea]

Hello Ladies,

Question for you. Did you travel before having children? Was it important to you that you did? Any regrets?


I, personally, have some travel goals but feel that I could accomplish them during their childhood (leave them with grandparents or aunt/uncle). Is this unrealistic?
I'm not thinking camping or close by locations, I'm thinking South America or Iceland. Duration would be up to 2 weeks. So....it would mean borrowing money and adding financial stress.

The alternatives would be to postpone TTC #1 until I'm around 30-32 and risk not having the opportunity to conceive #3 (or maybe even #1 and #2 since I don't actually know my fertility). The flipside is that husband and I will have some fond experiences in distant lands and enjoy our time together.

...Or we could wait until we are in our late 50's to travel. But then we may not enjoy the vacations as much since we will not be as full of energy and healthy as we once were.


Lookin' for feedback from ladies who have had a similar decision to make!


Thanks for listening.

 

[kksy9b]

I would recommend waiting to have kids until after you travel. It is easy to say now that you will leave them with someone. But the reality is,it is a LOT to ask of someone, even grandparents, to care for your children for two weeks. There is a lot of energy that goes into caring for children and can be very stressful if they aren't used to being around kids 24/7. Kids also tend to not do well for long stretches (and two weeks is a VERY long stretch) when they are not in their own environment. If the grandparents can come stay at your house, it makes it easier. But that makes a big assumption that they will have the ability to come and watch them.

It is also incredibly difficult to leave them for long periods, especially knowing you will be across the world. I used to think before my son was here that we could leave him for a weekend while we took a short trip....he turned two last month and I've left him once overnight so we could attend a wedding...and we were still in the same city. While breaks are awesome and I love my "me" time when I get it, I Dont WANT to leave him for long stretches.

Traveling is a wonderful and amazing thing. I'm so happy my husband and I were able to do so before having kids because we enjoyed it much more than we would now. It just won't happen again (big trips) until our kids are older and can come with us. My husbands company is going to Greece next year and we won't be able to go because there is zero possibility I will leave my infant. Nor would my son do well away from me for a week.

Your other option is to have kids now and when they get older (7+) you can take them with you on an awesome family vacation. That gives you time to save for a really awesome trip

Best of luck deciding!

 

[BB1982]

Although I don't have kids, I have travelled so I can understand you having the itch to see the world. I would say go now, before babies. Travelling can be stressful, delayed flights, bad flight times, issues with hotels, food poisoning, the list is endless. I honestly can't imagine dragging a small child around Iceland or any other place, once a child comes along your whole world and daily timetable revolves around them (I do have step kids!). Go now, enjoy the experience, see the things you want to see! You could wait for your children to be older and take them along but then you are restricted to school holidays, and if you have kids will you still be able to work full time? Will money be tighter? I don't think leaving them for a couple of weeks is an option, although only you know how your family would manage. I've known friends go off for honeymoon and leave their young kids behind. But my advice would be go now, the things you might want to see might not be appealing or remotely interesting to a child. X

 

[fxmummyduck]

I agree completely with the other posters if you have a travel itch that needs to be scratched do it now, create some wonderful memories with your oh. It is very unrealistic to leave your kids for more than just a weekend and even then it's hard, you just wouldn't enjoy yourself missing them and worrying about them. And why pay for 3 or potentially 4 or 5 air fares when you can do it now and just pay for 2!!

I don't think 30-32 is late to start ttc in terms of your fertility. My sister had her first at 30.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I would definitely go now. A lot changes when you have children. You are not going to want to be away from your child for more than 2 hours let alone two weeks. That would actually be very hard on your child. After you have children it becomes about them and their schedule. Babies need a lot of attention and after they're born they pretty much become the Center of Your World.

 

[bbbbbbb811]

I would also say go before babies. If you have the want to travel, then don't wait til after(age 50+) as you may feel like you have missed out for many years til you do get to go and going after you have children and finding childcare/being away from your children will not be as straight forward as it seems right now! 30-32 isn't really too old at all, risks do increase with age but you will only just be out your 20s and plenty of women either fulfil their career desires, travels or simply don't find the right partner til later therefore have children later. Now is the time to do things that aren't always possible when you have children

 

[staralfur]

I've always travelled a lot and I'm actually really excited to be able to bring my LO on some fun adventures in the future, but she's just now getting to the age where I would consider taking her on longer trips and she's 4. Before now I couldn't imagine taking her overseas as the flight alone would have been exhausting (we've been on a few 4-5 hour flights and they are haaaard with a little ball of energy trapped in a seat!), and then trying to do anything fun and touristy once there would be limited by sleep schedules, impatience, etc. There's also no way I would have left her 2 weeks with anyone, and I can't see myself doing that any time soon. She'd be coming with us or we wouldn't be going at all.

And as much as I do look forward to traveling with her, I think it's nice to experience travel without kids as well if possible. I did some of Europe and Asia a few years before I had my LO and it was a very different experience than it would be if I go back with her.

Realistically I don't think you're going to be prepared to leave your LO for weeks at a time once they're actually here, and I think you're looking at at least 5 years until it's going to be ideal to travel with a kid, and that's a long time to wait if you're itching to travel! So I'd do whatever travel you're really wanting to do now before kids and then resign yourself to taking a bit of a break until they're a bit older and can go with you and enjoy the experiences themselves as well.

 

[arturia]

I'm going to go against the tide and say children first. I'm saying this as the child of someone who did the very thing you're suggesting. (once)

Yes, others are right in saying that it's going to be hard to leave your kids behind. But you also suggested you might go in your 50s. Judging by your comment, I'm thinking you're mid-20s.

If, as you say, you are thinking to go in your 50s, your youngest is likely to have reached adulthood (or close to) by the time you consider going. Therefore you won't need to 'leave them with grandparents', as they will be able to fend (mostly) for themselves.

Secondly, you likely won't be taking out as big a loan then for the big trip as you will now. Your careers will have advanced, you'll likely have something like home equity to dig into or a long time of saving up the money for your trips.

Thirdly, to address your concern about energy: my parents ran off to Germany for 3 weeks last fall. They took the time to work out first for a couple months so they'd have the energy to spare. Neither of them were particularly healthy to start with, in particular my dad, who has the western diet trifecta of metabolic illnesses. (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol) And my mom, who was obese, managed to get to weighing less than I do.

Realistically, if you take moderately good care of yourself and eat healthy-ish, you'll probably make it to your 50s in reasonably good health with enough energy left to enjoy your trips. Maybe you won't be climbing any mountains, but you'll definitely be able to see all the sights.

Ultimately the decision is yours, but I hope my viewpoint is a good contrast to the ones presented above.

 

[pansorie]

Our daughter is going to be 1 next year. We traveled before and after her birth. She was conceived while we were traveling in southern Germany. Having her has not stalled our wanderlust, we just have to be more financially prudent.

 

[loeylo]

Imo, as someone who loves holidays and travel, and who has recently become a parent, if you are considering leaving your LO for two weeks then you are probably not emotionally ready for a child yet.

Being a parent completely changes your life, in ways you cannot imagine before being a parent. When I was waiting to try for a baby, I honestly thought I had it figured. I would have my career, go back to work early and show my daughter the benefits of hard work. I ended up not going to work until she was 6 months, and I am honestly more tired than I thought was possible. Travel is the last thing on my mind!

Once you have children you can't go back, so if it is something you are questioning then I think a bit more time may help you make a decision. You can easily decide to travel, then change your mind and have kids, but to have kids and travel means you travel plans, in the short term anyway, will revolve around meeting the needs of small people. The best bit is that you wont care about your own needs as seeing the world through a Childs eyes is way more magical than through an adults eyes.

 

[loeylo]

Apologies for the terrible texting, using predictive txt with a baby at 1am isn't easy!

 

[jessmke]

My OH and I have travelled both before meeting each other, while we were a couple, and are starting to travel with our LO. I am very happy I got to experience the world both by myself (to South Africa, Australia, Costa Rica, Singapore, Argentina, and Chile) and as a couple (to Thailand and Mexico). We were able to go to some slightly less safe locations without having to worry about our child, and to do some things that we could never do if we had a baby with us. We took our daughter at 10 weeks old to Mexico, and will be taking her for 3 weeks on either a hiking trip to Kauai Hawaii or to Indonesia when she is just less than a year old (haven't decided where we want to go yet!). We've also done a lot of travelling with her locally and within Canada (she's been on a plane 6 times in the last 5 months!). It is fun taking her places with us and seeing her in new and exciting environments. We would not even consider leaving her behind for weeks at a time. Maybe once she is 8 years old or more we would consider leaving her with family for that length of time, but absolutely not as an infant or toddler.

If I were you I would travel now and wait to try to conceive at least until you have done a couple of trips. I am 33 and my OH is 42 and we just had our first and plan to TTC our second (and last) as soon as my period returns. I am so happy we had children later on as we had so many amazing experiences that we couldn't have had if we had children younger, and we are so much better off financially now that we are older so we can afford to continue to travel with our kid(s). I was personally never a fan of waiting until your 50s to travel because you have no idea what life will throw at you or what your health will be like.

But on the flip side my best friend and her husband saved for 10 years to go on an 18 month trip around the world and are now home and TTC their first. It was a trip of a lifetime and they had an absolutely amazing time, but they have now been TTC for almost a year with no luck. My friend is concerned that she waited too long (even though she is only 33) and is very stressed that she may not be able to have kids. But realistically if she has a fertility issue it is likely not due to her age.

 

[CowgirlBaby]

I don't have little ones of my own yet. But I am a god mother. My best friend is 19 her son (my god son is almost a year old) it is very difficult to even get a little time to yourself once you have a child. I would suggest traveling before you plan children. Like my fiance and I have very small travel goals, but we would like to travel to Alberta to see the in-laws, and would like to travel to England to see my mum's side of the family before we have children. Having children changes you. It's really hard to leave them for such a long period of time. Not just on you but on the child too. I did a little bit to do with the developing minds of young children in my children's literature class in college. Up until they are 4 years old, they are learning how to trust their caregiver, and beginning to understand trusting different people, they rely on their caregiver, and if their primary caregiver does not come when they begin to expect them too, the will begin to feel a sense of abandonment. So I know it is a tough choice. I would honestly say though travel first. My own mom has only in the past 5 years begun to do all her travel plans. I at 20 years old am her youngest, but she still felt that sense of responsibility to her children that she could not leave us for more than a day. My mom now that all her children are grown is beginning to travel now. She's going to mexico for a week, in about a week. I mean ultimately no one can tell you how to live your life, it's up to you. These are just suggestions.

 

[chamomiletea]

Thanks everyone for the feedback! I certainly appreciate it. It's good for me to hear from others who have had a similar decision/situation.
I have little to no experience with children, so this definitely helps me to understand.

This pretty much tells me.....children (young children especially) cannot be left with a babysitter for more than a day or so. And once I'm a mom, the bond between mother and child won't allow me to leave him/her for long anyways. So they either go with me or I wait until they are adults. Got it.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm not emotionally ready for a child....sorry if it comes off that way. I am just a logical, matter of fact sort of thinker so I like to see all options and scenarios before making a big decision. I definitely have potential love and devotion for a child, I have for many years, and travel is not put above that (of priorities).....just wondering how it would fit in and when.

Thanks again!

 

[MindUtopia]

Definitely travel first. You don't have to go crazy and spend every spare penny you have and then not be able to afford to TTC for a long time. You can have some amazing trips to far away places without completely depleting your savings (or if you're worried, pick up a second job for 6 months, or do things like wwoofing, which will basically allow you to travel for almost nothing while working in country). But yes, definitely travel.

My husband and I both traveled a lot and worked overseas before we got married and had our daughter. The month before we started TTC, we took one last 2 week trip around India (we both used to live in India and we wanted to see it again before we knew we wouldn't easily be able to travel for awhile). It was wonderful. Once you have a child, you rarely get that completely selfish, unfettered couple time again until they're older. Our daughter is 3 now and we've spent one night away from her since she was born to attend close friend's wedding. I don't anticipate we'd be able to take another big trip like that alone until she and our as yet non-existent second child are teenagers, so we're looking at least another 15 years from now. We came home from that trip and started TTC the next month (actually took my last pill just a few days before we flew home). I was pregnant the next month. I was 31 at the time and we'll have our 2nd hopefully next year (I'll be 36/37). For us, that's been perfect. I would really feel like I was missing out now if I hadn't done everything I wanted before we got pregnant. We have a lovely life now, but it's a whole new chapter and it doesn't really include room for things we might have once done (though hopefully it will again once our kids are grown and we have time for ourselves again). It doesn't mean you can't still travel with a small child. We have, but it restricts what you can do (like anything after about 7pm is a no go, one thing I really miss is being able to go out for dinner!). You don't get a relaxing day at the spa or to go quad biking or a day of wine tasting with a toddler in tow. You're just restricted. Though I love museums and botanical gardens and boat rides, all of which we have done with our daughter while traveling, there are so many other things I would love for us to be able to do together that just aren't age-appropriate. And gosh, I would love a night out for dinner and drinks!

So I would go and travel. But I wouldn't necessarily plan to delay TTC for years just because you're traveling first. You can have an amazing experience without blowing all your savings, especially if you're only going for a few weeks, and then you can still plan to TTC soon after you return.

 

[mm962]

I would agree with most of the people here and suggest traveling now, before kids. Traveling away from young children can be done, but you likely won't enjoy it as much if your heart is thousands of miles away.

As for putting off your dream trips until later in life...
I once worked in a nursing home with a woman in her early 60s who had advanced dementia to the point where she could no longer walk, eat, or even communicate. I was speaking with her husband one day and what he said really stuck with me. We were talking about how he and his wife backpacked across Europe for their honeymoon. He told me that they had such a difficult time deciding whether to take their dream trip then, or to postpone it until they were retired. They decided to take the plunge and just go on the trip. Then he said, "If we would have waited until we retired..." He motioned to his wheelchair-bound wife and said with the saddest look in his eyes, "...it never would have happened."

More than likely both you and your husband will still be in great health once you're empty-nesters. More than likely your fertility will not be affected by waiting a few years to travel. So no matter what you choose, everything will work out exactly like it was always supposed to.

But I will say, traveling will give you WONDERFUL experiences and brand new perspectives on culture and on life. I fully believe that (when I do have kids) I will be a better mother because of these experiences and different perspectives.

 

[chamomiletea]

Thanks for input ladies!!


I am going to try and get my dream vacation to Iceland in before end of next year. I think maybe around the time of our 1 year wedding anniversary and around the time we start TTC. It'll be exciting to start the TTC journey in such a beautiful place!

I agree, I do not want to regret later in life never been able to go.

Once checked off my bucket list, I'll be fully focused and content with the next chapter of life.

 

[staralfur]

Have fun, Iceland is amazing!

 

[Wnt2beAMom]

Travel before kids....your life really flips completely upside down after having kids.

 

[CowgirlBaby]

Have an amazing time in Iceland!