Etiquette conflict/MIL rant

[sojourn]

I really only want to have one baby shower, thrown by my best friend and her mom. The traditional, regular way.

However, my MIL is crazy. Not your run-of-the-mill crazy, but actually, legitimately, medicated/institutionalized/ECT treatment crazy. I can't, in good conscious, just completely exclude her. She might be the most horrible bitch in history, but this is the only exciting thing in her life right now. Plus she is my husband's mother. I just don't want to inflict her on all of my friends. She already made crazy scenes that everyone remembers at my rehearsal dinner, wedding, wedding brunch, plus she bought a one way ticket to our wedding and stayed in our home for the first two weeks we were married. I just cannot tolerate the idea of having to run around and be her minder and distract her from saying inappropriate things/stealing stuff/sneaking booze/trying to bum rides from everyone...

So. Can I just have two showers? One kind of fake one that is just my immediate family and my husband (who is used to my insane MIL) and then have my real shower with my extended family and friends later. I think it's the only compromise.

I think I've made up my mind.

I am so sick to death, tired and irritated. I hate having to deal with how she always ruins everything. I can deal with the parts of it that are her mental illness, but she is also selfish, attention seeking and cruel. THAT I have a hard time dealing with. I am sick of having to consider how to get around her crazy antics for every big moment in my life.

 

[Amygdala]

Sounds like a good plan to me.
Forgive me for asking, but if she's that destructive, have you thought about how you'll manage her influence on LO? Is she far away anyway or will she be quite involved? I think it's commendable that you want to be kind to her but your LO's wellbeing definitely comes first.

 

[sojourn]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh man, I totally understand you asking, but it was decided long before we ever got pregnant that she will be the most minimal influence ever.

We set up ground rules a while ago.
She is never ever ever under any circumstances allowed to be alone with any of our children (or me, for that matter).
She lives in a facility and doesn't know our address (she is poorly mentally and can't remember it. She didn't live in this town long, so she can't find her way back) so she can't drop in for visits. If she figures it out, we just tell the facility people that she isn't welcome in our home and they won't bring her.
She is never allowed to live within a mile of us.
The second she starts being crazy/inappropriate around our kids we immediately leave.
If she is rude or disrespectful of me in front of my children we won't visit her.
If she does it while at our house (for holidays) then she isn't welcome back.

It took a long time for us to come to this. I didn't really know how bad she was, and my husband grew up with her, so he didn't realize this wasn't normal. She lived with us for a while. We hoped that giving her some stability and normalcy would turn her into an actual person and we might be able to leave a baby in her care long enough for me to take a shower.
WRONG!
Instead she nearly ruined our marriage and basically drove me to near insanity. She has systematically tried to destroy my marriage, my career and basically my life. There's no WAY she'll be more than a menial, passing influence.

One of our "family values" is being assertive and establishing boundaries with family. So we plan on teaching our kids, early and often, that you are obligated to take care of family when needed, but that you have the right to set up appropriate boundaries to protect yourself when needed. My MIL will provide a great real-life example.

 

[BadMamaJAMA]

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I think your two showers plan is ingenious. Your MIL isn't on FB or anything, right? It will be perfect as long as she doesn't find out.

Don't stress the etiquette point. You deserve as little stress as possible right now.

 

[sojourn]

Oh she is definitely not on facebook. We'll tell her that I'm having two showers (she'll be suspicious since she knows I have a lot of friends that wouldn't miss anything like that). I'll just tell her one is intimate and for special family only and one is just for friends and will be bigger and less formal. She'll feel special. She'll ask to come to the one with my friends (she likes to be around people) but it will be easier to tell her no. C'est la vie.

 

[TicToc]

That sounds like the perfect plan to me.

 

[AC1987]

Yikes that's a lot of drama! But sounds like a plan to me

 

[CrunchyJenny]

After all she's put you through, the fake shower actually sounds like a really nice thing to do for her! Good plan, that was you can really enjoy your real shower

 

[sojourn]

After all she's put you through, the fake shower actually sounds like a really nice thing to do for her! Good plan, that was you can really enjoy your real shower

Yeah...I don't know how I can get away without it though. I'd feel guilty leaving her out completely. She's always wanted to be a grandma and this will be her first grandchild. I'm not as cruel as she is. I can't just exclude her completely.

Plus I'll never live it down. I'm sure she'd come at me with a hitherto unseen kind of wrath. I'm afraid of what she would do!

 

[PandaMao]

I think your plan is just perfect. The small shower will just be family that is familiar with her crazy antics and the big shower she won't be there so you can relax and enjoy your day. I don't see anything wrong with your plan.

 

[Justagirlxx]

Oh my god... she bought a one way ticket to your wedding and staying in your home the first two weeks you were married!? I cant get over that part!! I'd definitely have two different showers honestly.. you've already tried including her in other major events in your life so far and she's already proven what she is going to act like. Good luck!

 

[sojourn]

Yeah, she basically showed up and dumped all of her problems on us. It took that long to get her sorted out and into her own place. It's been nothing but trouble ever since.

I'm just embracing the two showers. My mom said she was more than excited to have two showers and she already planned on buying loads of stuff so it works out fine. I think it's a good solution.

 

[Nolagyrl1913]

I think that is the best idea to have 2 showers. I am so sorry you have had to deal with that - my MIL is aggravating but oh my she is not like that.