Ex is back and wants access

[Jennifurball]

He couldn't get hold of me cos I changed my number so his sis in law messaged me on fb asking for my number, he has apparently sorted his head out and wants to meet up to see her and give me money towards her keep. He hasn't been around since the beginning of September, allowed his family to abuse/threaten me and now he is being all nicey nicey. I am really unsure what to do.

Can anyone give me any advice?

 

[whatwillbe]

It's nice how they think they can come back when it suits them isn't it, but I'd say hear him out, see what he has to say and if you decide to let him see lo be firm and tell him it's on your terms, ie what days, where, when and fir how long, and under your supervision, if he's that serious about now being a dad he'll go with your rules, but it's entirely up to you, your her mom and you know what's best for her, let's hope he's being genuine and really makes the effort x

 

[Jennifurball]

I have been dreading this day for so long. I don't even know if I can trust him, after letting his family threaten me with SS and threats of people coming to sort me out.

I have to think of Scarlett though, if he took me to court, it could get messy and he could get her more often than I would like. I just don't want him bothering me for access overnight and away from me.

Should I consider a contact centre so I don't have to see him? How do I go about doing that?

 

[whatwillbe]

I can imagine you've dreaded it, I'd be the same, you are the mom so if you don't want him having lo overnite just tell him no, as for his family threatening you , their just as bad as him.
I'm not sure how you'd go about an access center but it does sound like the best way to go about it, I wouldn't have this lo's fob in my house after everything he's done, maybe contact the citizens advice center ? They might be able to put you in touch with the right people and you might get more info on what right he has ect.. And as for it going to court I really doubt it Hun, it's taken him this long to decide he wants to be a dad , I can't see him taking you to court so try not to worry

 

[Ceejay123]

I don't know what to suggest, but good luck sweetie. Do you have any family that would be willing to facilitate contact so that you don't have to see him? X

 

[fairydust87]

Hmm the wanderer returns. My advice is be the bigger person. Arrange a day and time for him to see her with either you a member of your family or a trusted mutual friend. Be firm that you will be taking one day at a time and not to pressure the situation. Scarlett needs time to get to know him. Defo no over night stays. You have to play it on your terms and if he cant then forget him. Hopefully he has changed and has stopped drinking and I hope to God your over him as that might make things tougher if your still carrying a torch. Give him one chance if he f's up no more chances at least you can tell Scarlett you tried x

 

[baby D]

Sorry you are facing this hun xx I agree though - hear him out. Also, I know you don't want to see him, but maybe you should be there too until your baby knows who he is? Then maybe consider unsupervised by you BUT at a contact centre? Take its slowly and do not agree to anything that you and equally your baby is no ready for xx

 

[Jennifurball]

No I don't have feelings for him but I haven't seen him in 3 months, I am hoping I feel nothing when we do meet up. The thing that bothers me is him telling me he has met someone, don't know why it bothers me but it does.

TBH I would rather do it myself, because my family can't stand him and won't even let him at the house. I need to be the bigger person and remind myself this is for Scarlett. I am sure once I am happy with another man, this won't bother me

 

[Ceejay123]

Definitely honey, I hope it works out well for you. Good luck! Just keep telling yourself, you Are better than this man that Walked out, and your child deserves better too. X

 

[Jennifurball]

Thanks.

I don't know why I am letting it bother me thinking of him with someone else, I should feel sorry for her. How can I deal with this in a business like way instead of worrying about my feelings getting in the way?

 

[Jennifurball]

Another thing that is really bothering me is him wanting to take her to see friends/family. His mates are no good, they take drugs and have dogs, I don't want a strange dog near my baby, especially with the stories you read. Also a lot of his family live out of my town so I am worried he will want to take her, I feel sick. He wouldn't prepare ahead with bottles and meals, I can't bear thinking about it.

Why do dads have to have equal rights when the majority are selfish tossers?

 

[Ceejay123]

Only allow him supervised access, and when it comes to unsupervised a long way down the line, tell him your fears. Contact centre or nothing if its a big worry, or a day out with you there too. His family can attend contact centres with him if you allow it, so he can't make a big fuss about that. X

 

[Jennifurball]

I think that will have to be the way to go, it isn't like I don't want him to see her, I just don't believe he is capable of actually taking care of her, drink or not, he doesn't have a clue, I gave him 3 months to try and he didn't. His family aren't much better. I went through hell with his mum buying a filthy old travel cot for her when she was a newborn, I ended up buying new, would it have really hurt her to put a few extra pounds towards a new one? She wraps her up too much aswell, they don't sterilise bottles properly. He wouldn't have a clue now she is weaning, he would probably give her some crap she isn't allowed.

I hate this but need to be strong. Should I arrange contact centres from the start then I don't have to see him? There is one in the town centre that is open for 2 hours every Saturday and there is a room at the back if you don't want to see them.

 

[Ceejay123]

Honestly if I were you I'd arrange for either you to be there, or a family member. Your lo will get upset being pushed straight onto a stranger that doesn't know her, iykwim? But yeah I'd do it from the start, maybe your mum would sit in for you or something?

My oh saw his son in a contact centre as they weren't familiar with each other and I think it worked out best both ways as it gave them a chance to bond. My oh didn't feel panicked about not knowing what to do, and his lo was put at ease by his nan being there. They did move out very fast to soft play centres though because apparently the contact centre was dirty and horrible ? Doubt if they're all the same though.

I definitely think its the best way forward, then when your lo is 2-3 ish.. And they can tell you what they want etc, maybe then think about progressing it.. That's if he sticks around. X

 

[Jennifurball]

Thanks, I am hoping he won't stick around really.

I might meet him 1-2 times then when she is familiar, sort the contact centre thing out, the only thing that worries me is opening a can of worms, he is always accusing me of abusing alcohol (that was him), always accusing me of neglecting her, it couldn't be further from the truth, she is my world. I just don't want people being intrusive in my life because of him, I have been through enough stress, he is lucky I am agreeing to anything after what he has put me through.

 

[Ceejay123]

Honey, don't let him take you for a ride. Court would be on your side if it came to that! You call the shots, she is your daughter and she has no idea who he is.

Let him make all the accusations he wants, your daughter is fit and healthy, they'd laugh at him. He should be sucking up to you, not upsetting you!

 

[wcthoma1]

So True!