EXTRACTS FROM ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO VARIOUS COUNCILS AND HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS THROUGHOUT THE UK
ÂI want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.Â
ÂI wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.Â
ÂAnd their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.Â
ÂI wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.Â
ÂI am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.Â
ÂWill you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.Â
ÂI request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.Â
Â50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.Â
ÂThe toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.Â
ÂWill you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.Â
ÂOur lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.Â
ÂI want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.Â
ÂThe man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.Â
ÂOur kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.Â
ÂI am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.Â
ÂPlease send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.Â
ÂI have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.Â
ÂMy bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.Â
ÂHeÂs got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just canÂt take it any more.Â
ÂI want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.Â
ÂI wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.Â
ÂAnd their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.Â
ÂI wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof, I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.Â
ÂI am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.Â
ÂWill you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.Â
ÂI request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.Â
Â50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plan filthy.Â
ÂThe toilet is blocked an we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.Â
ÂWill you please send a man to look at my water - it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.Â
ÂOur lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.Â
ÂI want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6.00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.Â
ÂThe man next door has a large erection in the garden which is unsightly and dangerous.Â
ÂOur kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.Â
ÂI am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.Â
ÂPlease send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.Â
ÂI have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.Â
ÂMy bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus on it.Â
ÂHeÂs got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just canÂt take it any more.Â
