Facebook Announcements

[nerdybird]

To anyone reading this struggling with infertility, how do you think women and couples should go about announcing their pregnancies on Facebook? I have recently become aware of this being potentially problematic and triggering. I am also aware that even if you avoid "announcing" it, the news will reach your friends through the grapevine, through secondary pregnancy and baby-related posts, and through tagged photographs.

Should one avoid pregnancy announcements on Facebook and/or subsequently avoid any reference to pregnancy/birth? Or would it make you feel worse to have to find out about your friends later in a more indirect way?

Thoughts please!

 

[lizzie78]

I think everyone is different. I have made a conscious decision that if I ever do get my BFP I won't announce anything or post scans etc onto facebook but this is my personal choice. The way I see it is that those I am close to will know without needing to be informed via facebook and I just don't want anyone I am linked to to be struggling with infertility and have their day/evening blown apart because of something that I put on there. I have been devastated too many times by scan pictures suddenly appearing as profile pictures and being totally unprepared for it.

A friend of my mum's daughter got pregnant about a year ago and didn't put anything on facebook because she had a fried struggling with IF. My mum's friend also knew that we were saving up for IVF and had been for a while but still took me to one side at an event to show me the scan of her granddaughter. It was an emotional evening for me anyway as it was my late mum's husband's 60th birthday and it was difficult to attend without her but seeing that scan when I didn't know what was coming nearly destroyed me. What I find interesting about the situation is the different attitudes of the mum and her daughter. The daughter clearly put her friend's feelings before her own but her mum wasn't able to do that. I'm not saying that the mum was wrong but it meant that I hurt when I didn't need to.

This is a very waffled response to your question but basically I won't be posting on facebook if my turn comes but maybe everyone has to make that choice for themselves and their own circumstances.

 

[Pirate]

This is a tough one. The PP is right in that every person is different. On one hand couples are very excited about their pregnancy and have every right to share it with their friends and acquaintances in whatever way they want to. On the other hand it can be extremely hurtful for those struggling with infertility. Close friends should be informed before a public Facebook announcement, email is usually best because it gives the person the space and time they need without them having to fake being happy for you when they really want to cry. Personally, I don't so much mind the announcements, scan pics, bump pics, etc., but I am hurt by the status updates complaining about pregnancy. I'd give up just about anything to have swollen feet, an achy back, interrupted sleep, whatever, associated with pregnancy. I'd love to have those symptoms.

In the unlikely event that I ever manage to get a BFP I think I probably will make a Facebook announcement, but only because we live a fair distance away from most family and friends and Facebook is a primary means of communication. However an announcement will not be made until after viability, won't involve scan or bump pics, and will be short, sweet, and to the point while acknowledging our struggle to conceive. Then I won't put anything else about it until the baby is born.

 

[Lolly1985]

Tricky one. My story is in my signature. After telling those close to us, my work and our social workers (for our adopted daughter) I did do a Facebook post. It detailed our previous treatments, our tears and heartache and the joy in adopting our daughter. It then explained being a mummy had changed something in me and we were expecting our second child. I wanted people to know our story, to highlight infertility and adoption and recognise that this baby is born equal to our adopted daughter, he's just arriving a different way. Since then I have hardly mentioned my pregnancy. I haven't posted scan pictures as I know how these used to cut deep. A friend asked for a bump picture and I refused, I said I'm not allowed to post any pictures of my baby girl (due to security) and as my children are equal I wouldn't post any of baby boy either. And also because these can really hurt uthose struggling. I know, I lived it for years. I will private message if anyone asks though.

A bit different but that's my story

 

[nerdybird]

Thanks for your responses, ladies. I think I have a better idea about how I will go about this whole thing in a more sensitive way than I might would have previously. I think a very straight-forward, picture-less announcement would give any friend who don't want to see pregnancy-related posts to put me on ignore for a while, which is totally okay with me and anyone who I know to be struggling I'll tell ahead of time with a trigger warning in the heading.

I'm not ready to abandon Facebook entirely as a platform for that sort of discussion because I've been moving around so much and my lady support network is so scattered. Facebook is how I keep in touch with almost everyone.

 

[Lolly1985]

I agree with that, I moved 400 miles from close family and friends 5 years ago so love it for keeping in touch. I think your idea is a lovely balance

 

[longing]

Hi nerdybird! It is very lovely of you to come here and ask. I think that is a good way of doing it. I know everyone is different, but for me it's the scan pics, they seem to hit me like a train, especially when they are unexpected. But even if they are not. I am very grateful to my best mate not flooding me with her scan pics. (She has regular scans due to previous probs). The one she did send still hurt, although i share her joy and am happy for her. Silly really.

 

[Ariannda]

I posted my initial scan showing twins BUT i talked to everyone i knew who was also TTC and had issues. Since we had all been in contact for months I felt not telling them was a disservice. That being said I was never upset that people i knew were pregnant, save for just one. I was THRILLED for friends, whether it was their first or 5th and they'd been TTC for a month or 5 years. That being said I wont be posting much about my pregnancy or my scans because thats just not how I normally operate

 

[Christi85]

If I ever get a BFP, I'm thinking I'll go for a low key FB announcement after I'm past the first trimester, without pictures. Something along the lines of 'baby (family name) expected in (month/year). We are very excited!'. Something simple and low profile. Family and close friends would know before I make a FB announcement.

I don't usually get too upset or jealous when I hear about other people's pregnancies, but FB does make it harder, especially when announcements are accompanied by scan pictures or bump pictures. Even so, I don't usually care all that much, but I remember one announcement that got me down in recent months - a friend's wife announced her pregnancy on FB by changing her profile picture to one with a bump at the same time. A couple weeks later, she announced the gender (a boy) with a scan picture and a very 'gooey' post . I don't know why that one hit me so hard, but I'm thinking it was because she never talked about baby plans ever (had been married for 1.5 year), was always so career-focused and driven, and somehow it felt like pregnancy made her do a complete 180 turn. From powerful career girl to lovey-dovey expectant mama. It got me jealous I admit, because, unlike her, I was always the motherly type and have been yearning to feel those feelings.

I think low key and respectful is the way to go, and like you said, anyone who you know is struggling, please tell ahead with an email/private message before going public on Facebook. Finding out for the first time with a FB announcement can be hard for some people.

 

[Mypreciouskid]

I was a lttc'er (almost 3 yrs), and I can definitely relate to an announcement making you cry for days. The most painful day (other than my mmc) was getting a text with a scan pic from my SIL while trying to celebrate my son's 10th bday. The tears broke out immediately, in a very crowded store. I practically had to run to the parking lot. The worst part? I was in the store's restroom taking an hpt when the text came through. My test was a bfn, of course. I tried to get through the rest of the day, but I was so broken inside I could barely put one foot in front of the other.

I went straight home and "unfollowed" her on fb. I kept her as a friend but I did NOT want anymore curveballs ruining a perfectly fine day. Instead, on days I felt strong, I'd visit her page and like/comment on her updates, on MY own terms.

 

[Diddy2013]

I don't think I am going to do one if I ever do become pregnant. The whole time trying to conceive seeing those pop up on my feeds just makes me feel worse. Like the wind gets knocked out of me. I'd rather be happy for people from afar just so I don't cry.

 

[Kaylakin]

I definitely don't think ultrasound pictures are the way to go. I understand that people are excited, but there's something sort of gross to me about putting that on Facebook. I'm trying for #2 now, but I did IVF for my son. I never posted an announcement on FB because I did not want to inadvertently upset anyone. To each his own, but knowing what I know, I would not want to be the source of pain for anyone if I can help it. I can email people personally to tell them or tell them in person.

 

[Diddy2013]

I definitely don't think ultrasound pictures are the way to go. I understand that people are excited, but there's something sort of gross to me about putting that on Facebook. I'm trying for #2 now, but I did IVF for my son. I never posted an announcement on FB because I did not want to inadvertently upset anyone. To each his own, but knowing what I know, I would not want to be the source of pain for anyone if I can help it. I can email people personally to tell them or tell them in person.

I'm not sure if I would have realized this had I not had trouble. So I'm thankful for that...to be more sensitive.

 

[Kaylakin]

Diddy - I agree! I don't think I would have realized it or thought it if I hadn't had trouble. That's why I understand people's urge to share with everyone, etc, but I still won't announce it personally

 

[lindsayms05]

I'm not sure where I read about it, but I think there's something that you can do to make all pregnancy related posts/pictures be hidden from your newsfeed. I'm not sure how to do it but I remember someone posting about it. I'm not insinuating people should have to do that, but if it really bothers someone, that's an option they have. I can definitely relate to being surprised by facebook announcements while I was LTTTC. However, I did do an announcement and shared a few pictures along the way, but tried to keep it at a minimum. I'm also someone who uses facebook a lot and keep in touch with people and family members that I no longer live near. My pregnancy and birth was a huge part of my life as it was happening, so while I tried to be respectful, I also felt like I should be able to share that information. I don't think it's really fair to expect people to never talk about their pregnancies on facebook; it's just not very realistic. I think it's important for us ltttc'ers to be mindful with what we post, but not feel as though we can't share anything.

 

[Diddy2013]

I'm not sure where I read about it, but I think there's something that you can do to make all pregnancy related posts/pictures be hidden from your newsfeed. I'm not sure how to do it but I remember someone posting about it. I'm not insinuating people should have to do that, but if it really bothers someone, that's an option they have. I can definitely relate to being surprised by facebook announcements while I was LTTTC. However, I did do an announcement and shared a few pictures along the way, but tried to keep it at a minimum. I'm also someone who uses facebook a lot and keep in touch with people and family members that I no longer live near. My pregnancy and birth was a huge part of my life as it was happening, so while I tried to be respectful, I also felt like I should be able to share that information. I don't think it's really fair to expect people to never talk about their pregnancies on facebook; it's just not very realistic. I think it's important for us ltttc'ers to be mindful with what we post, but not feel as though we can't share anything.

There is a down arrow by posts and you can hide all posts like that, or show less posts from this or that person. I've blocked all the baby progress weekly updates, and my friends who are pregnant are hidden from my timeline. It's basically a ghost town over there! but it's better for my sanity.